Mark Bell's Power Project - EP. 316 - NYPD's Officer Frank

Episode Date: January 23, 2020

Frank is a police officer from New York who is joining us to speak about the importance of staying mentally and physically healthy as a police officer. Frank opens up about his life of dealing with addiction, depression and surviving alcoholism and opiates. He plans on opening a gym that is free to all law enforcement to use in hopes to end law enforcement suicides attempts. Subscribe to the Podcast on on Platforms! ➢ https://lnk.to/PowerProjectPodcast Visit our sponsors: ➢Piedmontese Beef: https://www.piedmontese.com/ Use Code "POWERPROJECT" at checkout for 25% off your order plus FREE 2-Day Shipping on orders of $99 ➢Perfect Keto: http://perfectketo.com/powerproject Use Code "POWERPROJECT10" at checkout for $10 off $40 or more! ➢SHOP NOW: https://markbellslingshot.com/ Enter Discount code, "POWERPROJECT" at checkout and receive 15% off all Sling Shots Follow Mark Bell's Power Project Podcast ➢ Insta: https://www.instagram.com/markbellspowerproject ➢ https://www.facebook.com/markbellspowerproject ➢ Twitter: https://twitter.com/mbpowerproject ➢ LinkedIn:https://www.linkedin.com/in/powerproject/ ➢ YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/markbellspowerproject ➢TikTok: http://bit.ly/pptiktok FOLLOW Mark Bell ➢ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/marksmellybell ➢ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MarkBellSuperTraining ➢ Twitter: https://twitter.com/marksmellybell ➢ Snapchat: marksmellybell Follow Nsima Inyang ➢ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/nsimainyang/ Podcast Produced by Andrew Zaragoza ➢ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/iamandrewz #PowerProject #Podcast #MarkBell

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You just got to bend down and grab it. Sorry, pretend I'm shorter. Yeah, why are those mats impossible to move? Like with your feet? It's the same thing as like trying to like, you ever try to just kick your shoes out of the way, but they catch the rug? They catch grip. Yeah, it's the worst.

It's like the rubber of the shoe, you know, catches the ground. You can't move them out of the way. When the rubber meets the road? I think so. Is that what they say? Is that what they're talking about this whole time? I don't think so. I don't know.

When the lightning strikes, it doesn't go up into the sky. Something like that. We got the peanut gallery here. We got a fan in the house today. How do I pronounce your name so I don't mess this up? Inseema. Trenseema. Inseema.

Tren. Inseema. Tren, I can just call you Tren. Inseema. Inseema. Inseema. Inseema. Inseema.

Yeah. I'll just call you Big Eye. Or you could... No, I'm not going gonna go there oh you can call me that's right i see i i can see where you're going towards man i'll keep it that way big guy yeah we can do that for now yeah yeah how you doing big guy how you doing just uh replace i with daddy and that's what the last podcast was talking about i think he totally saved it though towards the end there when you you're like where can we find Place I with daddy. And that's what the last podcast was talking about. Big daddy.

I think he totally saved it, though, towards the end there. When you, you know, like, where can we find you? And it was like, at Big Daddy. Oh, I mean. That used to be a real sensitive subject for you. It did. It did. He's coming out.

I'd say so. I don't know about all this. I think so. In some weird way. Yeah. Anyways, what's going down today, Mark? I don't know about all this. I think so. In some weird way. Yeah. Anyways, what's going down today, Mark? I don't know. You tell us what's going on.

What do we got going on here today? We got a little bit of everything. Being a first responder, getting into strongman, being in the recovery. If you look at the recovery triangle, right, it's a triangle. So you have recovery on the top. This is my personal recovery on the top, strongman on the bottom right of the triangle. And then you have law enforcement first responder on the other triangle and how they all interconnect. Try to stay a little closer to your microphone.

And how they all interconnect in the middle. Yeah. Maybe give people a little background on how we started communicating a little bit. You're a police officer in New York City. And maybe give people some background on how this came to be because this has been kind of a long time in the making of you coming on this podcast. And then in addition to that, you know, these are some of my favorite podcasts. We have podcasts that we have an opportunity to do with, you know, a lot of people are fans of the podcast, even after they're already like in the fitness community and stuff. I really love identifying with the fans that maybe otherwise wouldn't have an opportunity to be heard.

So I think that today is going to be really magnificent for a lot of the people that are watching. And we are going to talk a lot about drug addiction and stuff like that, but it goes well beyond the scope of just drug addiction alone. So take it away. Tell us how this kind of unraveled. All right. My name is Frank. Just to get off the bat, NYPD didn't send me here.

This is my story. This is why I'm here. And I just don't want to see anyone go down that dark path and recovery is possible. It's real. I don't want to see anyone kill themselves, law enforcement or not. You know, it's just God didn't put you or your higher power didn't put you here. So I've been following Mark since I was probably 17. I'm 27 and huge inspiration and big, actually big role model in my recovery. And about 2016, I think it was, I hit him up on instagram you know i'm like this guy's not gonna answer me and he did and i sent him a nypd hat and a patch and he said thanks

a lot and i was like all right this is what really awesome and then on a few months later he put it on his podcast with uh cory gabrant and uh gave me a shout out i was like oh this is awesome and then 2018 2019 is when i was i went through, really dark, deep, dark, I didn't know it was possible. And then at the end of 2019, I hit up Mark. I said, hey, man, you remember me? I gave you the hat and the patch. He's like, yeah. And I said, I got a really crazy story.

You probably won't believe it, but it happened to me, and I want to share my story. This is the first time I'm publicly coming out with my story. Not only my close friends know really what happened. And I said, I would love to come meet you, talk share my story. This is the first time I'm publicly coming out with my story. Not only my close friends know really what happened. And I said, I said, I would love to come meet you, talk about my story. I think he DM me and said, get your ass over here or bring it. Let me see what you got. And I was like, oh shit. And then he hooked me up with Lil Smokey.

And then from there on, it just kept going and going and going. And I'm here. Can't believe I'm here. It's, you know, it didn't hit me yet. It hit me when I'm taking a bath, later laying down and laying down and you know you know whatever i'm doing in the bath that's that's not talked about here but yeah he uh told you told me earlier that you used to uh listen uh fuck your elbow oh man every night before you go to bed i was gonna get oh yeah and i told mark you know there's no sexual gratification in that you know i don't want

him to think hey i'm listening to you man every night before bed something really strange but uh yeah like you know um mark was a big inspiration of how i my journey of just lifting weights you know and my story of getting you know walking back on playing college football you know playing high school football for two years and missing that and not playing football for two years and walking on to a pretty decent team in new york um and i would just listen to his you know the powerlifting mode you type in youtube not playing football for two years and walking on to a pretty decent team in New York. Um, and I would just listen to his, you know,

the powerlifting mode, you type in YouTube, powerlifting motivation, boom, Mark Bell, fuck your elbow. Uh, I listened to that when I wake up before bed, a lot of Elliot holes,

uh, Brandon Lilly, you know, he's been through a fucking dark path. This guy gave his life up for fucking powerlifting. And it talks about on the video, this guy had three quarters into a semester in college and he's gonna miss two days training two days he gave up the course

that's fucking insane that's like wow that's what you need to have if you know we can talk about you know that's the mentality you need to have when you look at brandon lilly you look at mark you look at larry wheels up and coming and i respect respect Mark so much. I respect his brother, you know, his older brother, um, uh, rest in peace. You know,

the disease got ahold of him and his, his, his other, and, um, Chris, Chris, no bore.

He's in recovery, you know, and they're being it and it's possible. He's being it. He's being this disease. And, um, you know,

it's like, all right, you want to look like Mark. You want to be like Mark. You want to look like Larry, right? Brandon Lilly, right? Whatever. It's like young people getting lifting. I'm 27. So I've been lifting, you know, it's like, all right, you want to look like Mark. You want to be like Mark. You want to look like Larry, right? Brandon Lilly, right?

Whatever. It's like young people getting lifting. I'm 27. So I've been lifting, you know, for 17 years now. And I always talk about, I've never taken a drug in my life.

The only drug I've taken is alcohol. Alcohol is a drug. And it is one of the most powerful drugs in the world. I think it is the most powerful drug in the world. But it's like, do you understand? Like Mark played, you know,

he came out and told his story on every young person should watch Bigger, Faster, Stronger. You start bodybuilding, you start CrossFit, you start lifting weights. You got to watch it. It's going to show you. And Mark tells his life how it is. And it just is inspirational. You know, it's like here I am 20 years old watching this documentary.

Oh, this is how Mark is. This is how he got into weightlifting. This is his story. this is how mark is this is how he got into weightlifting this is his story larry wheels he sat down on youtube and made an hour video of his fucking life from start to finish leaving countries picking up how he got on working out picking up drugs picking up you know steroids all these different things and now how he is today so you look at a guy like a young kid you're like oh i want to be like larry do you understand the path it takes the relationship damage the hard work the no drinking and no part, the none of that shit?

You know, you want to go that path? You know, you can't go 99% into this. It's 100%. That 1%, you know, you can't do it. It's 100% in and out, and it's not easy. You don't just wake up looking like Larry, you know, or Mark. Mark's lived on this planet, and he's got plenty of lives, you know, powerlifting Mark, bodybuilding Mark, and it's the hero journey. It's the process.

It's how did I get here? And I give these guys a lot of credit for sharing stories to an average guy like me that just looked up to these guys and made me kind of who I am today. I never met them in person. They didn't even know I existed, you know, until my DM Mark, you know what I mean? So I'm going to fuck this guy, Frank, you know, Hey, how are you doing, man? And can I send you a hat? I listen to your videos all the time in bed. Like, I existed, you know, until my DM mark, you know what I mean? So I'm going to fuck this guy, Frank, you know, Hey, how you doing, man? And can I send you a hat? I listened to your videos all the time in bed.

Like, Oh Jesus, you know, like, sure. Come on out. Let's meet. Go on a date. Um, how did some of this start? You know, um, your dad is here with you today and, uh, he seems, he seems great. I met him in, you know, only for a few minutes. So I don't, I don't know a ton.

But I think a lot of times people think, oh, well, if you just have parents that give a shit, then you're going to be fine. But how did you end up going downhill and ultimately having alcohol get a hold of you? I mean, I can kind of give a basic how i how background of how why i started lifting and drinking wasn't it didn't get a hold of me yet that's the issue when you start picking up i feel good you know my dopamine my endorphins this is a high you're living on the high it picks up and it's until you keep going with it that it's gonna it's gonna it's like it's i say alcohol and drugs it's a human kryptonite Like Superman It's gonna get you It's just a matter of time

When is it gonna get you You know what I mean It's not possible to live a nice life Drinking and drugging It's impossible You know You're committing suicide slowly It's a slow death

Real quick My dad's here And I'm very happy he's here And he just got out of rehab Two weeks ago So for him to be here He's gonna hit 60 days Uh

Uh sobriety And Congratulations sir That's awesome Next week I just hit Uh New Year's Eve Was 100 days for me So today is like the 21st

122 days Four months So I You know Irish Catholic household Growing up Um My parents were together

Right And people joke And they You know they kind of Uh Praise drinking Right Irish people Oh man Oh man Come on How much do you drink bro Like you must be able to drink Me under the table Mark Mark My parents were together, right? And people joke and they, you know, they kind of praise drinking, right? Irish people.

Oh, man. Oh, man. How much do you drink, bro? Like, you must be able to drink me under the table. Mark, Mark, Mark. I grew up with a Budweiser can in my house every night. So subconsciously, that's registering in my brain. That's normal.

Budweiser, Bud Heavy, the king of beers, right? You know, that's what I'm used to. You know, no one tells, you know, I'm not living in a different house. Maybe if I lived in your house, I'd come out a different person. You know, it's like you grow up with monkeys in the jungle 18 years you're gonna be like a monkey you don't know anything else right so that's how a lot of people judge people and i i just get me fired up you don't fucking know what that person goes through even in high school like you don't know what they go home to you have no clue like you don't know anything you know and you see

comments on instagram and everything like just make yourself a better person and slowly things will get better. You know, all these comments and everything going on a little tangent because I get angry when people drop comments like cowboy McGregor, right? I see some comments on cowboy, just retire already.

Who the fuck are you? Just tell him cowboy retired. You know anything, you know what I mean? It's like, why, why even put that out there? You know,

because you can't do what he does and you have an internal problem and that's a problem no one wants to take responsibility so growing up uh my dad's been a volunteer fireman for 40 years my uncle uh fdny he actually had to retire because 9-11 and my dad's a volunteer fireman and he was down there at 9-11 the day after you know just giving up his his time um so growing up in a first responder household and as a first responder, you know, events, drinking is socially accepted. It's huge. And there's a lot of stress of the job. Right. And if you don't drink, people think you're weird.

Right. David Goggins. Look at David Goggins. This guy failed, what, three times the Navy SEALs? Right. And he talks about in his interview, David says, you know, his platoon commander, I forgot what the story was, comes up to David and says, hey, man, you know, you're not hanging out with us after. You're not partying. And David is, you know, he's one of the one of one, the top 1%, 0.1% where he knew himself.

He's like, I don't have time for that. You know, I need to get better every single day because if I slip up that one day, I'm behind. And it's going to slow down my process. David, you know, he was smart. He's one of the smartest men in this world. I don't have time for that. It's going to destroy my life.. David, you know, he was smart. He's one of the smartest man's in this world. I don't have time for that. It's going to destroy my life. I'm not going down that path.

Elliot Hulse talks about it. Elliot, he made a video on drinking that he went out with a buddy for three days and they drank. And he said, oh, this is awesome. He's driving home from work and he mentally is craving a drink. He goes, what the fuck's going on?

What is happening to me? This is not me. And he was strong enough to cut it off. And now we're talking about people that are really good in their craft and can able to do that most of the population can't do that because it's very powerful so um i grew up mom's a nurse oh wow how you doing uh my mom's a nurse and uh my dad was a uh rockland county uh rockland from rockland county he was uh

i fucking hate rockland County, by the way. There's a lot of rocks in that county. Well, you know, I'm from I'm from Dutchess County and not too far away. Yeah. We had just a killer football team. So all growing up, like we didn't have playoffs in football for high school until my senior year. And we had a really fucking good football team.

North Rockland was a real bitch, was a real bitch to try to beat. And, uh, what the, the last year. So the last, my senior year,

they set it up to where they finally had a playoff system. We always thought we were like super bad-ass. We're like, anytime they, you know, anytime they implement playoffs, we're going to roll over everybody because we were undefeated. I think the whole time I played in high school, I think we lost like once or twice or something like that.

And one of those times was a North Rockland. And the thing that sucks about it is we were playing so well, but we had my my fucking coach. I'd always tell I'd tell him every day. I told him, I said, Seth Santos, if if you're listening he's a piece of shit i was like he's too fucking slow he was our defensive back he was like our safety and the coach is like i don't care man he's smart he knows how to get to the ball and i'm like man i'm like he he runs like a 5.140 you know or maybe even slower i'm like he's gonna get burned we're gonna play against a team that has a couple of athletes and we're gonna be fucking toast

and that's exactly what happened they threw one bomb they threw one giant pass they didn't do shit the entire game and they scored one touchdown they won six to nothing that's that that's great it's funny it's funny to hear you talk about with roth and the team i play against you know and i don't know not too far it's funny how it's funny to hear you talk about North Rockland, a team I play against. I don't know. Not too far. It's funny how- It's not that funny. You still dream about that, don't you? I still am pissed.

I can tell. Wow. People, when we were going back home on the bus, the other teammates, they're like, are you going to kick his ass? And I'm like, no, I'm not going to kick his ass. I want to really bad. He does need to know that he sucks So I told him that he sucks

And probably told him that I wish that he would die or something But he's probably still around Anyway we can't get that game back Like anything in life right You can't get that back And look at that you remember this I don't know how old you are but you know 20-30 years ago So yeah

I actually played against your high school As a senior, senior or junior, one of them. Arlington High School. Yeah, or RC Ketchum, those son of a bitches, right? One of those teams, I'm trying to remember. So I'm trying to. Any goddamn way. Yeah, North Rock and those Red Raiders, man. Your dad was a volunteer fireman.

Your mom's a nurse. Do you feel like you had a good, strong upbringing to kind of avoid some of these things? Avoid alcohol and drugs and stuff like that? Oh, yeah, 100%. Again, Uncle FDNY, right? And I have a brother who's four years younger than me, and he's actually a lot different than me. I don't get into that. But, yeah, you know know they did a lot for

the town and the community um everyone knows them in my town you know good hard-working people and my dad gave a lot for that town um they went to the same high school together the same prom so in my head right there it's already envisioning oh you know it's it's all about where i grew up you know this is my small town in rockin county and um like i was you know saying growing up was good but in the house like you know you didn't fuck with dad you didn't you know you didn't fuck with him like uh you know budweiser cans every night and that's normal and uh you know i just remember you know he says you know take the garbage out right and wednesday night it's gonna be out by thursday he's like he comes down and we're playing xbox halo the original halo i

was a big world of Warcraft guy. And you can't just get up. You know what I mean? Right? You can't just get up and fucking Pause the game. Like, I can't. You don't understand. So he comes down and takes the garbage out. I'm like, I'll do it. And he's like, no. Fucking take it out right now. And then we get into an argument. Like, those little arguments, right?

But when he comes down those stairs, right? And, you know, he doesn't really we never really talked about this. So, hey, dad. But, like, when he comes down that stairs and you know And you know, he doesn't really, we never really talked about this. So, Hey, Hey dad. But like when he comes down that stairs and he, you know, he's going to yell you about something, what kicks in the anxiety. So now as a little kid, you start building up anxiety. Oh, what am I going to get yelled at for this time?

You know what I mean? So, um, you know, in my mind, I'm like, as long as the garbage is out by Thursday at six o'clock before the garbage guys, if I don't, if I put it out at five, four in the morning, it's out. I did my job, right. Do your job So, you know, school was very My mom had this little I'll never forget this little stupid star chart

Every time you get an 80 or higher, you get a star If you get a 90 or higher or 100, you get two stars So right there, she don't even know This is putting pressure on me, but it's to make me work hard And I was like this little nerdy kid with glasses Don't try anything as a parent We tried all kinds of different stuff like that too I like this little nerdy kid with glasses. You'll try anything as a parent. We tried all kinds of different stuff like that too. I was this little nerdy kid with glasses, you know, and, you know, I thank God.

And I talk about this. My friend group was solid. I still have the same friends that I went to elementary school with. That's great. And that's a big part of my recovery. And my friends know who they are out there and I'm not going to name them all, but really helped me get through this. And they've been with me.

I got two buddies. We went to elementary school together, middle school together, high school together, community college together, and dorm together at SUNY Cortland, where the Jets have their training camp. Yep. So we, and that was our, that's my fucking, I'm 27. So I lived, what, 20 years with these guys? These are my brothers.

I died for them, you know? So that's a big part of my recovery and who you surround yourself with, right? A product of your environment, you know, survival of the fittest, all that stuff. And you learn that early in school is all bullshit. It's real, you know, it's very real. And, you know, recovery, drinking alcohol, the way you act is contagious. If you're around people that are depressed and don't give a fuck, it's contagious. It's going to hit you. So I was nerdy. You know, I played a lot of video games, which saved me from staying out of trouble. But, you know, growing up outside playing baseball doing

you know i was grew up i born what 1992 once that fire alarm went off you know go back home eat dinner go back out and we can free you know free play out in the woods climb do all this cool stuff and i was a boy scout growing up i'm actually an eagle scout uh which is pretty cool um we had a project but um back in high school freshman year and sophomore year you know i was called mclovin like from super bad yeah i'm 140 pounds 130 pounds like you know chicken chicken yeah and like that's how everyone everyone in high school knew me as mclovin so i was like oh okay i guess this is cool like you know like it's 10 33 you know what i mean like like all the seniors come up to me,

yo, McLovin, what's good? And I'm like this little nerdy kid, like, hey, yo, what's up, man? Hey, any recognition is good, right? Just take what you can get. So I also played football, you know, freshman year of playing football, right? So I wasn't the most athletic kid, right?

You know, talking about, and I was in speech classes. I was in intensive math and English my whole life. 35, 40 minutes extra than slower than the regular, you know, semester and courses. So, you know, I courses so uh you know i still worked my ass off in school because i would take that test and i feel that anxiety and i don't think i think it came from my mom and my dad and it's like i would go up to the teacher and be like

how did i do and she's like frank you just took the test 30 minutes ago i don't know so that i can feel myself you know getting anxious over these little things, which is a good anxiety because I care. I care how I do. I want to do well. When that's growing up, they put that on me, to care about who you are and hard work. So I played football freshman year. I wore glasses on the helmet. I was that guy.

And played freshman freshman JV Um then junior year I took my glasses off got contacts Put a backwards hat on and everyone was like oh What happened who is this guy I'm like nothing I just took my glasses off and put a hat on Like what the hell and then you know Started getting I guess a little more popular

The cool crew and all that stuff you know And I didn't change who I was I was still friends with everyone And I'm very Grateful for that I'm on the front cover of my yearbook 2010 uh and the back cover and i was like you know it kind of sounds like an ego egotistic maniac but i i think proud of that you know when i go back to show my kids or you know hey there's that on the yearbook i had most contagious laugh like i used to laugh like a hyena you know so i had a great time we got one of those not anymore i don't think so So I had a great time. We got one of those. Not anymore. I don't think so. Uh, I had a great time in high school. Um, and I really stress high school football made me who I

am today. It really made me with my parents, you know, every little factor really contributes into who you are. And, um, Boy Scouts growing up, being one of my good friends through all the Boy Scouts. Uh, I did volunteer firefighter for 17 years old. Wow. Uh, got to say, I don't do it anymore. I did three and a half, three and a half years. Um, I got to say, I fought real, two real fires, structure fires, cut people out of cars.

And I'm 17, 18 year old kid doing this stuff, being cool. A quick fact, like every firefighter out there with all their gear on, it's like 75 pounds of extra weight. And any police officer is like 25 pounds with a belt and a vest. So just for people to see really what's going on, you know what I mean? It's like going out to a strongman show and wearing that vest or that tank, you know what I mean? So junior year, I played wide receiver, split end. We ran, for all you football fans, my high school, we run a wing tee.

So that's the Army, Navy, like disguise. Just trying to confuse people and they don't know where the ball is. Right. And I barely played my junior year, man. But I was called the scout-o captain because when I was running scout-o, I was busting my balls because as a scout team, I would tell the guys, listen, we're out there to make them better, but we want their spot. You know, I'm going to go out there and give it a hundred percent every time. Cause I want that starting spot, you know, and then, you know, really,

really enjoy the community, the family, the team environment of football. And then a senior year, uh, started at split end. And then for defense, I could have played corner or safety, but I said to myself, and I'm lucky I did this because it really helped. I'm like, why would I want to do that? Like, I'm like, I can, but like, you know what? I'm 150 pounds now. I really, I haven't really touched the weight in my life. I'm like, let me play D tackle with the big guys, right?

Have fun, make myself better, challenge myself every day, throw myself, get beat up every day. And it helped me in the long run, you know, physically get beat up. I was second string. So if we're up by a lot or down, you know, I had a sack. I had it. I let the team with receptions with eight receptions in the year. That's insane.

My main job was to stalk and crack block, you know, stalk, basically run up to the corner and the ball. I run up to the corner, hold them. A lot of sweeps, you know, a lot of outside bounces or crack. Crack block is when you're playing wide receiver, a split end, you crack down and hit the outside linebackers. So that was fun. You know, that was my main job.

So football ended, and I actually won this award called the Nick's a Dream Award, which is a really cool award, which actually gave me more motivation. It was like the most dedicated player on and off the field. Actually, Nick died. I want to say it was a car accident, and he played where I played. And I got that scholarship. It came with money, and it was a very prestigious award to me so i'm 18 years old now so i got that uh i got my eagle scout the day before my birthday um i just made it by the hair of my balls just made it uh

i repainted all um all the fire hydrant markers in my town um you have the fire hydrant and then the fire hydrant has like a reflector so like the snow the debris the rain it shows like basically an outline of the hydrant you know blue uh spackle paint and we went around every fire hydrant besides state roads and repainted that so um did that graduated high school went to community college rockland community college and now i'm drinking a little bit you know on the weekends nothing crazy um hanging out with my friends some friends went away quinnipiac albany you know different schools and i stayed at home best thing i ever did because i went away when i was 18 forget about it i would have been right back home and uh going to rcc i did criminal justice oh i don't want to burp in the mic so i

did criminal justice but there was a part of want to burp in the mic. So I did criminal justice. But there was a part of me, I was missing something. I was missing something in my life. And I was like, what is it? You know, I'm searching deep down. Let me go back. Before I got into basically weightlifting, I picked up P90X my senior year of high school. Tony Horan, right?

I'll never forget it. I love it, but I hate it, you know? And anyone that, Tony Horan, right? I'll never forget it. I love it, but I hate it, you know? And anyone that wants to work out, right? We talk about lifting, getting into powerlifting, getting into the CrossFit, getting into strongman's. Oh, I want to squat and deadlift. Like, dude, can you perform these basic function movement first? Like, you know, Chris Duff and I just listen to that podcast.

It's great. Can you perform a squat, right? And can you do this stuff? It's like, thank God I had that football background where I used my body a lot, right? And then P90X, all you're doing is body weight stuff. So it definitely helped me a lot. And then as I'm in community college, criminal justice, still a fireman at the time, I'm like, I'm missing football.

This is what I'm missing. I need this. There's a difference between a need and a want. In my mind, I was like, I need it. So I went to my old football coach. I said, hey, Matt, he went to SUNY Cortland. I said, I need to. Like, there's a difference between a need and a want. In my mind, I was like, I need it. So I went to my old football coach. I said, hey, Matt. He went to SUNY Cortland. I said, I need to play football.

You know, I can do this. Not that I think I can. I know I can do this, but I just need some guidance. And I was very lucky that instead of going to the guys I hung out with or younger, I went up to a lot of guys older than me for advice. Like, hey, man, you've already been here in your life. You know, if I go down this path, what would you do? You know, and go from there so i'm very lucky i was kind of i love going to talk to an older person and see their life experience like hey how'd you get here you know like what what did you really go through so matt said all right come to my house went to his house we made

a plan writing it down like mark's writing down what we're going to do from April to the tryouts. And it was like a, and that's when I really started listening to all the motivation stuff. They had an app called eight tracks. I don't know if you remember eight tracks. I would play eight tracks. It's like a Pandora. Oh yeah.

Oh man. Bodybuilding motivation. Every morning I wake up every night before bed. Um, Corey Gregory from, he used to be muscle farm, all these different Arnold Schwarzenegger, you know, know everyone and i was a big wrestling fan growing up huge uh the rock um just different things and it just subconsciously uh hit me in the brain and i was

like all right now i got a goal let's put in the work and i can i have a vision it all starts with a vision all right i can see myself playing college football and it starts from there and then we build 150 days straight no no drinking, no cheat meals, perfect diet. I would wake up, show up at 6 o'clock at my old high school, work out with Matt. And we did the program Bigger, Faster, Stronger. I still remember the program. Five by five. On the fifth set, five plus, as many as you can, right?

Three by three. This is in the next week. And it did. Monday was towel bench and box squat. Wednesday was power clean and hex bar deadlift. Friday was regular squat, regular bench. So you would do five by five, five by five, five by five. Every high school and the football team in the country was doing those

workouts right right right and that's when it kind of started getting new when i was in 2010 2011 that's what we were first saw it so five by five last set right get all you got uh three by three next week third third set break that right and then you're calculating your one you know and then it's a five four three two one and it was a ten eight six that was rep scheme rep scheme no deload really so then you have i had a booklet you go back and you see what i did last week all right if i did you know five by five at 185 on the bench then you know i want to try to get this week 190 or maybe on my last fifth set i got six reps maybe. Maybe I can get seven, you know? And I'll tell you what. I mean, I would consider myself now average. I'm not, you know, super strong.

I'm like average in the weightlifting world, you know? And just following that program, waking up, going to the weight room, showering there after the lift, going to RCC, doing my classes, going to Premier Fitness, which was a big gym over in Rocking County. Then I met with a speed and agility coach two days a week you know i had to talk to my manager at shop right say hey i want to play college football i need my hours cut down to 10 hours 12 hours a week working at shop right and even when i was in shop i wanted to be the best i can i was doing i started at the register and then all of a sudden i'm doing like the meat i'm doing the frozen i'm doing the dairy i'm all

over the place i'm like all right you know because if you're in a place that a lot of people bitch and moan oh this job sucks right well just try to do the best you can and be the best at it so time will go faster you bitch and moan just leave like why are you in this job if you hate it so much just fucking leave i was so baffled i'm like you know i'm baffled it's like you just complain complain complain you're feeding yourself negativity you know i mean it's just like you don't have time for that. You know, then you become, you become negative. So my bench was 225. I was 165.

I stayed the same body weight every day. I got nutritionist and it's crazy. I still remember my meal plan every day. Wake up, special K, almond milk, 15 almonds and a banana, half a banana. 15 almonds? 15 almonds. Okay. Two Giovanni yogurts during class, every morning.

Whole wheat bread, turkey, six ounces of turkey with an apple. Then a shake, whatever, whey protein or whatever. And then basically a meat of my choice, chicken, steak, salmon, any cup of green I want, and any carb I want. I was a big sweet potato fry guy. Sweet potato fry, sweet potato, rice, brown rice. And 150 days, and my bench went from 225 for one to 275 for one at 162 pounds. I didn't gain a pound, but I got shredded up. I looked like a freaking sprinter.

And my coach also said, you need to run a mile every day, no matter what. No matter what happens. If it's a snowstorm, you got to run a mile. And I got addicted to that. And I could see the addictive personality i felt guilty right recovery guilt and shame i felt guilty if i didn't get that mile in a mile would turn to one to two to three at this point you weren't drinking at all yeah i'm clean i'm 158 i'm so focused courtland you know suny courtland football i'm walking on this is my goal this is it i i i'm 20 years old i lived these 20 years for this fucking moment if i don't't get this, I'm crushed, you know?

So there's, you know, this is in my mind, you know? And everyone knew if we're at a party, they would joke around, Frank, one sip. And I was like, you know, get this out, get this fucking thing away from me, you know? Because I knew I would leave parties early to go get the muscle milk at the DB Mart because it was closing. People bust my balls up.

There goes Frank, got to get the muscle milk. But it was, you know, it's all fun and games, but they knew how focused I was. But just like talking about it, people don't understand the work I had to put in for four and a half months of just getting that, attaining this goal, putting in this work every fucking day,

you know, here in Mark Floyd, here in Arnold Schwarzenegger. I just still remember it going back. The guy who's talking, I forgot him. He talks about Dorian Yates, you know,

Ronnie Coleman, Jay Cutler, you know, and I'm running around the track and this is what I'm listening to. I'm not listening to music. I'm listening to these fucking motivational workout things so subconsciously it's registering and um so 225 to 275 on my bench my squat I probably that was 50 pounds my squat my deadlift I gained about probably over 100 pounds on each because I

really wasn't doing it as much you know so I'm I'm new. Got 325 squat and my deadlift. I've always been a good deadlifter. I don't know how. I don't know. Maybe hex bar 445, 450. I didn't really do a lot of straight bar, but I was doing a lot of box squat. I remember doing box squats like 405 for five, six, seven reps, hitting 500 on a box squat. Probably not at parallel, but just above parallel.

But just as a young kid to have 500 pounds on your back, getting it up, you feel like you're on top of the world. So I go to SUNY Cortland. And my two buddies I told you I grew up with, they're there. They're at my tryouts. They're like Frank you look crisp, you know. And I'm like, you know, big motivation in my life, Tim Tebow. That guy really got me through a lot, you know. And Arnold Schwarzenegger says he had, when he was a kid, he had pictures on his wall of people he admired so i gotta do this arnold did it i gotta do it so i printed out a

picture of tim tebow sorry mark you didn't make the cut you're off the team no i'm kidding uh tim tebow brian dawkins one of my favorite safeties played for the eagles the rock derrick cheater and who else is on there um someone else is on there. I don't know. Shit, I'm forgetting. But every morning I woke up, I saw that, and that was motivation for me. And I walked on, and I made the team as a defensive back. Now I really – I remember my senior year, I played D-tackle. I didn't really play corner in a long time. So I walked on, and very strict schedule.

I'm part of the team. Just library hours. You know, can't go out on Friday nights. But I was focused. You know, I made, this is my goal. I made it, right? And then I start realizing like, fuck, you know, I'm playing scout defense. That year we won the NJAC.

I got a ring. Really cool. These guys were like the best of the best. Division three. But SUNY Cortland is a very competitive sports school and I was going out each week busting my ass you know just to try to

and I realized like these guys came from years and years they've been on the team for 2-3 years you know I'm a junior now I walked on as a junior so they have a thing called special forces basically the scout player of the team each week gets a shirt. My last week against what we had in playoffs,

I got that shirt. So there you go. There's a huge honor. Wow. So I made a team and I got that cool shirt. It says Special Forces. And that meant a lot to me that I was recognized for putting that hard work in

and doing my goal and getting there. So then football ended and that's where I came in. Let off to the races every weekend, going out. Now I'm friends with the football guys. Now we're going out, we're having a good time. It's just what everyone does in college. You drink, but

it didn't affect my life yet. I was in the gym. I was doing everything. I was doing the workouts. I was studying my ass off. I was doing it. It wasn't affecting my life. So in my head, I'm okay. It's not affecting my life right now. Senior year, I ended up stopping playing football. I saw two guys blow their ACL out right in front of me. I said, wow, Frank, that happens to you and you're playing special teams or, you know, scout D. You'll never be a cop. Never. So I put it off. I said, you know what? Football taught me a great lesson.

Hard work, dedication, discipline. I'll take that with me for the rest of my life. Put it away. Senior year. And then I enjoyed the rest of my senior year and graduated criminology degree. Now, I thought I was going to school for criminal justice. I'm sitting in senior year like, oh, you're doing a criminology degree. That's also focused and wrapped up where I was in football.

I don't even know what degree I'm doing. I didn't care. And I said, I raised my hand. I said, oh, shit. This is criminal justice. No wonder why we're not learning about the law. We're learning about how people psychologically and sociology, how people, why they commit the crimes, why they do this, what happens when they go in jail, all that stuff. So it was really cool.

But then I graduated. I had like a 3. three five so in high school i graduated two nine that's barely average went away to rcc community college three seven three six and then i graduated courtland with a three four three five well you know i bust my ass every day in that library everyone knew where to find me i was in that library studying three four hours a day working out and that kept me grounded through the week but on the weekends came saturday sunday hanging out with the guys and drinking and that's like the early ages of kind of of my life are you like 21 20 yeah i uh graduated at 20 i graduated on my birthday uh 20 22 i graduated at 22 yeah okay do you have any more water uh yeah, yeah, we'll get you.

All right. Thanks. Sorry for that. Uh, no problem. Um, so when, when did the drinking, uh, starts become a problem? And you know, if you look back, I'm sure that, I mean, most alcoholics will say, uh, L it was a problem from the beginning, but right. Right. Where did you really have this realization of like, Oh man, like I can't really drink the way the other people can and like shut it off kind of thing. And that's what you just hit it on the park. You just hit it out of the park, Mark. You're like, when did I realize there's a problem? Well, fuck, it's been a problem since the beginning.

You just don't realize. You don't know because it's not affecting you yet. Like I said, the first few years, it's great. You're having fun. You're doing this. You're meeting different people it's it's all it's a cool thing to do all the cool kids are doing it yep yeah so i graduate i didn't work for a year and then um 2015 i got into the police academy in new york city now it's like

i made i made another part of my dream, my goal, right? I made it. And first six months you do. Now, if you like think about it as like how much this will affect your training as well. I did two months of four to 12 hours, two months of midnights, two months of days, right? That affects your training, your life. Now you want to meet, you're trying to prove, like for me, you get to a new place, you want to prove that you're a good person, you're a hard worker. And what are all the guys doing? 4 to 12, they call it 4

to 4s. You start work at 4, you get off at 12, you're out to the bar until 4 in the morning. You know? That's a 4 to 4 shift. I didn't do that that much, honestly. Thank God, but a lot of guys were. And we would go out and everything. And again, drinking on the weekends didn't affect my work, didn't affect my training in my head.

And now I'm like 185 pounds doing powerlifting, getting into powerlifting. And it didn't really affect me in my mind, right? I'm training. And I got so obsessed with a 600-pound deadlift at 185. That's all I cared about. I didn't care affect me in my mind, right? I'm training and I got so obsessed with a 600 pound deadlift at 185. That's all I cared about. I didn't care about anything else, but yet I was still drinking.

And I didn't care about relationships. I'm like, I need this 600 pound deadlift at 185 pounds. I don't, I just, to me, that's what I, that's what I need. That's what I want. And that's the addict coming out on me. So I did a show in Ithaca, york and i did 181 and i'm like wow if i hit these numbers at 165 i was so obsessed with this powerlifting watch the website i can be top 50 at 165 so i cut 20 pounds in 19 days by myself and weighed in on 165 hit my three

squats bond the rest of the meat But just that motivation and that discipline to lose 20 pounds in 19 days, right? Usually before a show, I wouldn't drink for a month. So now I'm like 23, right? Wouldn't drink to a month. And anyone in recovery or any alcoholic and addict, they say, oh, well, if I give it up for a week or two, you know, I'll be okay.

And then I can get back and get back to my life. So I patrolled the streets of the south bronx for two and a half years love it no problems great that's about the camaraderie i love being with the guys more than anything just joking around having fun i could trust them it was therapy in itself you know i was just talking to jess i said i've never done a podcast before but when you're talking to your partner in the car you're doing your own podcast you don't even know you know it's therapy in yourself podcast. You don't even know. It's therapy in yourself.

We don't even talk about work stuff in the car. We talk about everyday life stuff, which is great to have. You have that good partner, man. That's like your brother. You know what I mean? So now you know my background. Rockland County has their own police department.

And as a kid, subconsciously, this is where you want to go. This is where you want to be. This is where you want to be. So I knew I wasn't, I'm not, I was good. I had a good memory for a test taker, but I wasn't really, you know, I said I was in intensive classes. So I'm going to take this Rockland County police test. But I had to hire an SAT tutor.

I ended up buying a course, $150 to study this, to literally memorize the way of the test, because it's a very, it was like an SAT, you know, they only pick like the course, $150, to study this, to literally memorize the way of the test because it's like an SAT. They only pick the top. They want smart people in there. So studied, and I'm getting a 95. Oh, shit. How'd you do it, Frank? I couldn't believe it.

Now my dream's coming true. I want to be a Rocking County cop. Two years in the Bronx, I made it, 25 years years old little do i know that it changed my life that day i'd sworn in rocking county police changed my life for the rest of my life and why am i even on this podcast today and it saved my life to recognize really who i am i get there go through the field training program sitting this is 2018 now I get there, go through the field training program, sitting, this is 2018 now,

sitting in the car, I'm by myself, so NYPD is double patrol, right, here, in Rockland, you're single, by yourself,

everyone knows you, you know everybody, and I'm like, oh shit Frank, am I really gonna be, this is my thought, and my reasoning behind it, am I really gonna be, in a car, by myself for eight hours, you hours you don't know who who the fuck you are until you're in a car

eight hours by yourself dealing with yourself it's you versus you this is your life it's you versus you don't give a fuck about anyone else because once you get yourself better and realize what issues you have you can help those people with those issues but until you take responsibility you don't know and when i went there that's when I knew I had to take responsibility for my life. So I'm like, solo patrol, 20 years. NYPD has over 300 units. Here in Rockland County, a lot of guys do patrol for the whole career. The human psyche is not supposed to see what a cop sees for 20 years straight.

Do you know what I mean? You're by yourself. You're dealing with the same thing every day. People don't respect you. They don't know what we by yourself. You're dealing with the same thing every day. People don't respect you. They don't know what we go through. You know, you sign up for this. I hate that. Oh, you signed up for this. Most cops sign up because they want to help people. They want to do the right

thing, right? Do the right thing. So, I said, Frank, you got to go back. You got to go back to the city. People are going to say you're nuts. I told my family. They lost their mind. Why is that such a crazy thing to do well it's like how do i pronounce how do i say this i don't know it's like uh making like the patriots and going back to the browns you know what i mean so because it's so close to home

it's safer it's more money it's just realistically stable for a great family and a great life you know i didn't be a cop to make money right i gave it i became a stable for a great family and a great life. I didn't be a cop to make money. I became a cop for the life experience and to keep me focused and to keep me motivated. There's no life experience that you'll get at being an NYPD police officer in this world, coming around with cultures

all over the round, learning really how cultures really act and how people really interact in this world. So I gotta go back. They lost their shit, making the wrong choice. My mom, Italian mom, oh, she had a freaking panic attacks all the time. So I'm like, oh, great.

Then people at work found out. Oh, you're crazy. Dude, you're going to ruin your life if you go back. I'm 25. I'm taking that shit to heart. So now I'm sitting in the car and i start getting these panic attacks i never got my life and i'm like fuck what's going on my throat would close my heart would rate fast here i am i'm doing patrol answering jobs and i'm dealing

with this now i'm like fuck never happened in playing football never happened in the bronx try to ignore it tell my girlfriend at the time tell my parents and then people you know they don't know really what's going on because i just my body was rejecting this and i but i was able i guess i was smart enough i realize it that i want to go back to the city because this is what i'm used to this is what i enjoy better so my in my head i i made it like the live all or be all like am i an asshole for leaving this job to go back to new york city because a lot of people also don't like being a new york city cop there's a lot it's very stressful you know you work five days on two days off five days on three days off you don't even know when you're getting into

overtime you're working holidays you know you lose you lose a lot of part of your life your family time but to me i never had a problem i nypd treated me great so in my mind i'm like i gotta go back you have a year if you leave nypd you have a year to go back um if you go to a different department you have a year to go back if you retire and you're like shit i don't like my wife i'm at home i don't know what to do i can go back so holding that in around february i got in in january of 2018 february march i started realizing this wasn't for me people were like give him more time Frank Give him more time And in my head I'm like I fucking know this is not for me

It's like my own torture chamber And it shouldn't be because it's not a bad job And all the guys They were good guys but they weren't like the NYPD guys They treated me well No problem So the anxiety starts building up Building up untreated

now i lost 20 pounds in a month month and a half i'm looking at myself and i'm like fuck i'm back to where i started before college football i'm 163 pounds i'm weak as shit i would say to myself my old pre-college football frank would beat the shit out of this frank right now my old version of myself. And people are realizing, dude, you're losing a lot of weight. What's going on? I'm like, oh, no, I'm okay. You know, I stopped working out.

Got rid of my social media. Drank green tea in the car. I couldn't eat. And this is not me. You know, I told you kind of who I was before. So this is not me. And then my family was like, you should see someone. I'm a cop.

I play college football. How can I see somebody? You know, it's just so frowned upon. Months go on. April of 2018, I saw someone, a nurse practitioner. And it was, I had a conference, like just how I explained my life to you guys. I saw her for about 50 minutes. And she goes, Frank.

And now I'm telling her what's happening. What's happening is right now I'm telling you guys basic traits of depression and anxiety. You know, loneliness. You know, getting away in my social media. Not wanting to be seen. Weight loss. And I was, during this time I realized I was drinking by myself. I never drank by myself. I drank socially.

I didn't drink because I was upset or depressed But I was coping, that was my coping mechanism So I tell her And she goes Frank you have OCD of intrusive thoughts And I go Intrusive thoughts? Do you guys know what an intrusive thought is? Never heard of it before

So OCD of intrusive thoughts is If you, might get a little graphic, if you see a little kid on the street and you're like, oh man, like sexually attracted to that little kid, it's oh, why am I having this thought?

You catch it, it's an intrusive thought, it's coming into your brain. Or I walked by a school and I want to burn this school down. That's an intrusive thought. Something like that, for example.

My head, I'm like, I need to just make a decision in my life, but now I'm getting stuck. You know, like the punisher, Frank Castle, what did he say? Like, make a decision, right or wrong, or right or left, right or wrong, crunchy or soft.

Like, just make the decision, stick with it, see what happens, and go from there. Like, all right, if it wasn't the right decision, I can regroup, and I can say, all right, Frank, what did I do wrong this time for this decision? Let me learn from that. And a lot of people have a hard time learning from that and accepting it. So I said, okay, OCD, intrusive thoughts.

I'm telling you, depression, panic attacks. You know, I'm a little fucked up, you know, but I'm still going to work. She said, all right, this is where it all started going downhill. Here's Prozac and Seroquel. Oh, these are the drugs from the 1980s that just started being, you know, the original SSRI. I'm like, all right, because I told her I couldn't sleep. You know, I wasn't sleeping. I was, my mind was racing.

I was telling her because all the thoughts in my head about what should I do? This is my life here. I worked so hard to get to this point. This is my life. If I stay here, if I go there, what can happen? So I did get obsessed with the decision making. So, all right, I take these drugs. These are drugs and powerful stuff. And that is when the really deep, dark thoughts started kicking in that I don't really want to talk about, right? But they're deep. And now I'm

like, all right, now I'm worse. You know, now that I'm not eating, I'm not working out. Now my drugs are the only drug I ever took in my life was alcohol, right? This is not me. Now I'm really fucked. I'm in a deep hole. You're drinking along with these drugs too. Oh yeah. Okay.

Uh huh. It's like, all right, so I'm going to work. You know, I call out sick, you know, and some guys are like,

Oh, you're like NYPD has a limited sick. You can call it sick for as long as you want in rockin county you don't have that you built sick days so i was using sick days in the beginning i just and i felt bad i just got to this job i don't want you know people think i'm i'm fucked up or whatever and i tell her i'm like listen this is probably like may june of 2018 i, listen, this is making me worse. You know, I'm realizing this is not right. She's like, all right, let's take you off the Prozac and the Seroquel.

Let's put you on Zoloft. I'm like, oh, another SSRI. All right, you're the person, right? You know, I don't know this, you know. But as I go through this, I learn so much now. I'm like, all right, I take the Zoloft. Now I'm going into the car. I'm going to the RMP.

I'm logging into the computer. It's taking me 10 minutes just to log in. I'm sweating. You ever see that meme from Keenan and Peele, whatever, when he's really sweating or something like that? You're like, oh, shit, I'm caught. That's how I was every day. But now the depression is really kicking in.

Basic depression, brain fog. I can't remember anything. I'm not even brushing my teeth. I'm not taking showers. This is depression. But I'm at work. I'm answering the radio runs. I'm trying to hide it. I'm trying to do the best I can. Let me just get through this job. Let me just get through this hour. That's recovery.

A minute, a second, a day at a time, an hour at a time, right? So, I tell these things. I'm making it worse. I go back. Alright, let's up the Zoloft, up the Zoloft now, so now I'm like, oh, fuck, you know, now I'm really like, well, who am I, I'm a walking zombie, you know, remember, I got rid of my social media, no one really sees, the only poor people that are seeing this is my girlfriend at the time and my family,

I'm not me, I'm a walking zombie, man, I'm better off, I'm better off fucking doing an eight ball or fucking crack or something to keep me going that's in my mind you know obviously i'm kidding but that's how i felt man you know so when you're depressed you don't really control those thoughts right those thoughts aren't really you right that's the depression talking those are the demons talking so when people make like when people cut themselves it's because they can't feel they want want to try to feel something. And that's what, you know, I never cut myself, but I'm just giving an example that those thoughts are the depression talking. And it's really, when I was growing up

in high school football, I was like, depression's bullshit. How can people be depressed for a month, a year? It's the crazy. Really, how bad is life? Yeah, well, also at that age, you're not. And I was just about to say, I'm a little kid. I don't fucking know shit.

Yeah, you're not fully developed. Your brain's not fully developed. developed right so the male usually fully develops around 26 and the female will develop around 25 so you know and this is i'm 27 now but this is like now i know who i am from this process as i go on um and again i'm a young kid i'm still a young kid i'm 20 i'm 27 right the rock he says i didn't know shit in my 20s i don't know who i am you really can't say much in his 30s i'm kind of getting to know who i am in my 40s i really feel comfortable in my skin so all these people out there listening it takes time it takes years of development to really figure out what you're good at and what who you are what's your purpose

right it's all about why am i here so we're back to zoloft teller all right let's put you on wellbutrin now i'm just like man, I'm a lab rat. I have all these medications pumped into me. And it's like, what is it now? June, July, in three months. So at this time, and I asked her, I'm like, can I drink? She goes, if you have one or two drinks. And now you tell an alcoholic that, and off to the races.

Was there any conversation about other options? Was there any conversation about, you know, nutrition or exercise or anything like that and off to the races dang was there any conversation about other options was there any conversation about you know nutrition or exercise or anything like that well that's that's that's the basic thing and i told them my story i was a big powerlifting football i always ate clean you know and i just my mark i just couldn't do it man i couldn't eat man it was it was crazy that's why i was drinking the green tea and maybe like a green smoothie with protein that's what my body would just and i would throw up before work all the time the anxiety was that bad i'm puking i'm out of the fucking patrol car i'm puking on the side of this i'm puking on the side of the street that's how bad it was so you know i know these

things but it was so i couldn't i couldn't just do it right but the person that gave you the drugs the doctor whatever right did they talk about Did they talk about any other options or anything? Yeah. But the Welbutrin was like the last call for me, man. I'm all like, I'm not me anymore. I'm just fading away like a sheet in the wind. Did you talk to anybody else about this or only to the practitioner you were talking to? I had a therapist at the time, and we talked for months.

And I would go in there and I would say the same thing every day. Rocklin or NYPD. Every day. And he knew I was very depressed. So then, you know, she,

it's just, I don't know. It's just a touchy subject, you know, because this is where I could have gotten different help. You know, and my therapist at the time,

he's great. I'm still in contact. Great guy. Helps me at the time. He's great. I'm still in contact. Great guy. Helps me out a lot. He's been in recovery for 35 years. Maybe longer. But. I cut off the Welbutrin.

Cold turkey. And. You can't do that. Can't. And I try to substitute that with alcohol. So now. I wake up one morning and everything is black and gray. I don't feel anything. I don't see anything.

And I went on that all summer of 2018. I can't feel. And here's a kid. I grew up with the greatest parents, greatest family, playing football, feeling emotions, living life, getting high on life. And I'm like, wow. You know, this might be it. Living life. Getting high on life. And I'm like wow. You know. This might be it. Fuck it.

I did all my. I made my football. I made all these goals that I wanted in my life. What else. What else is left. You know. And. You know.

Major depression disorder. So then. Kept working. Fucking depressed. And. I took a lot of things to to heart but when you're in a depression like that and you're in some type of like trauma emotional trauma you start thinking about your life your past what should i've done what could i've done different if i would have just done this this is what it went different so now all my stuff is building up and my dad was very sick at the time too so now i here i am coming home you know to an alcoholic father i'm literally watching him die in front of me and that's bothering me too a lot so um yeah i was really

at that point where giving up and i never gave up my life you know and that's for me that's personally you know that just makes me feel good so i said you know my aunt uh she's a ent ears nose and throat doctor at lincoln hospital in the bronx one of three doctors there she said frank you need to check yourself into hospital and i said if i do that i'll never be a cop they're gonna think i'm crazy so then when you're depressed you start feeling you're thinking you're crazy you're thinking you're a bad person. Something went wrong. You feel worthless. You know,

you feel like a piece of shit. Like why, you know, everything I did in life, fuck it. It didn't matter. I said, okay,

what do I got to lose at this point, right? I'm, it was all drugged up like a lab rat in my mind. I don't enjoy life. You know,

I'm going to work, but I'm not enjoying my job. My girlfriend's getting very sick at the time, very sick. She started getting, it's contagious. So we ended up breaking up, and then I got really, really even more depressed. I lost her. I wanted to stay at this job to kind of keep her with me and you know make the money the family so i said all right right your man's broken gotta just man up and do it i'll go go to new york presbyterian hospital in manhattan go there have an interview with the doctors i kind of tell them a little bit of my story

like frank okay very depressed yes okay i know okay well can you tell me to help me I just went through all these medications all this stuff You know I feel like nothing can help me I'm done this is my mindset We'll send you to the White Plains Hospital like alright Okay sign the paper Go to White Plains

And now I'm very happy I can joke around this I go to White Plains I get out start taking my shoes off They take my shoelaces off and Now I'm very happy. I can joke around this. I go to White Plains. I get out. Start taking my shoes off. They take my shoelaces off. And now I'm a cop. I know. Oh, fuck.

I'm being put in a psych ward, man. Two birds in a cuckoo nest, right? I'm like, no, no, no. I didn't sign up for this. You know? I didn't know this is what I'm getting myself into. Can't leave. You know?

Mental health. You know? Can't leave. You got to leave when the doctors see you. now i have really no no choice you know in my head i'm like all right frank you worked your balls off you're not a cop anymore you're done you know who's gonna want you to do this you know you just went all through all this you can't be a cop that's my mindset i don't know anything else about being a cop what else can i do in this life you know in my mind i was like all right i was put here to help people.

This is the best way I can help people and enjoy it. Six weeks in that psych ward. And I say psych ward, and it's very embarrassing to say to me, but now I'm like, you got to be proud of, I guess, where I came from. Six weeks. The floor was maybe, I don't know, 50 feet vertical and like an L, another 50 feet. Now it's like a jail.

The windows are shut. People in there, they don't like cops. I can't tell anybody. Very sick people, psychosis, schizophrenic, very, very sick people. I'm depressed. I'm just depressed in my head. I'm just depressed. Doctors come in, see me for 10 minutes prescribe me medication called a fexer here we go back on a medication see you later oh what do you mean now what do i do got 23 hours left in a

day i don't walked around met people talked to them. A lot of intellectual people in there about their life. But, you know, there's no therapy one-on-one. There wasn't anything like that. So I'm walking up these halls. I met this girl. I shit you not, it's a true story. She has a book on her head. She's walking like this through the hall.

You can't make this up. She's walking through the hall, and I'm just like, holy shit. I started talking to her. She goes, yeah, I got cameras in my eyes. Be careful what you say. And she's being serious. She's a really sick person. I walked up and down those halls for her for about two, three hours talking, learning about her life. It kept me

busy. You know, we got outside when they let us come outside 30 minutes a day playing basketball with these guys, just meeting people. And you can't make this up. I'm in the psych ward and this guy named Stewie comes up to me. He goes, just meeting people. And you can't make this up. I'm in the psych ward, and this guy named Stewie comes up to me. He goes, I know you. I go, yeah, I know you too, man.

He goes, you gave me $20, man. You drive a silver car. I go, holy shit. I do drive a silver car. And I did give you $20. You're the guy that sits at McCombs Bridge by Yankee Stadium. He goes, that's me. I said, holy shit, I probably give this guy 20 bucks homeless guy stewie

about a year ago and i meet him in the and he's in the psych ward so i had a good roommate nick this guy was this italian guy cracking jokes he's like all right frank let's put the miles on today man let's go walk up and down the hall let's get those miles on you know we're like a one-man aircraft in here you know making jokes and you try to can't really laugh and you know there's phones there and there's a line for the phone and you only get a certain amount of time on the phone it was like a prison another woman comes in and uh i look at her i'm like where do i know her from you know i know this girl holy shit frank you took a knife out of her hand on a police job and you know she's very sick uh schizophrenic and psychotic episodes so it's like

i feel like it's like the book five people you meet in heaven you ever read that very good book you know this guy who goes into heaven and five people in his life that he came across my family would visit me everyone would visit me and i knew it was hurting them because here i am they're seeing me in a psych ward who wants to do that so i'm there for about two to three weeks i get out i get out i go holy shit nothing changed nothing happened i'm still depressed and you still having to take a fexer i'm on a fexer so i'm like all right go back in you know i gotta go back and tell them, hey, listen, I got a man up. Hey, I'm drinking.

I'm coping with this because I didn't say that the first time. All right. Now we know they gave me this book. I look at this book, the big book, AA. Frank, just read the doctor's opinion, the first chapter. All right. And I read it. I'm like, holy shit.

This is me. Guilt, shame. You're not a bad a bad person frank but you're feeling guilty you're feeling you know you know all right they're like all right frank we're gonna send you to our rehab downstairs so two week two weeks in rehab and you know i didn't have a choice i'm still with nypd. I'm like, all right, I still got my job. All right, there's a little hope at the end of the tunnel. And the two professors are there, great. They start teaching you the effects of the alcohol, the effects of the drugs,

how it affects you psychologically, your family. When you go on a date, and you go on a first date trying to make that impression, you shouldn't be like, oh, I made all these achievements. Hey, my name is Frank. I'm an alcoholic. I suffer from depression and anxiety like you know i had a situational depression and major depressive disorder hey nice to meet you just so you know what you're getting

yourself into because you can bullshit all you want two three four months later then they find out they're really you and it's a waste of time you know just man up and say it so i do the rehab it was good i felt a little better came out and then you know it's very hard for me to say but when you're on that medication and every cop law enforcement knows that protocol they take away your gun and your shield it's like taking your balls away

and that's why I held in for 10 months not to come out and say let me try to beat this by myself had to go down to Queens meet with the doctor there tell her my situation she's like you're very depressed i said i know so then i did like uh she's like we recommend you stay in like an iop uh you know more work see someone and i'm like all right i'm gonna do this you know so about i don't know this is like I got out of rehab a year ago. I mean, I got out of rehab in New York Presbyterian a year ago today around there.

So I'm going along, chugging along, trying the best I can, going to these groups. And I'm like, this is a waste of time. I still feel the same. This is not helping me. I need I think I need to go away to like an inpatient. And then I told the doctor. They sent me to the alcohol unit. And they said, you're depressed. You're coping to drink. And I said, yeah.

I know. I know I have an issue. So I went to the doctor. Probably February of 2019 we're now. I said, listen, I need to go away, but I want to go away to my inpatient, my farm, we call it in law enforcement, the farm. Oh, if you go to the farm, man, stay away from that guy, right? And mostly you go to the farm if you get a DWI, domestic abuse. You kind of just get into a drunken all 3D incident and they send you to the farm and it's all cops at this this farm place it depends usually no but where i went to which changed my life which i was getting into was

everyday people okay but sometimes i do send you to a farm that's just like you know firefighters cops and stuff like that so my mom and my dad and we did a lot of research and you remember i'm still not talking to my friends really you know it's like me and mark let's say we're friends for 30 years i say hey mark this is my advice you know nypd or rockland you give me your advice month goes on i'm saying you the same question two months goes on and you're just like frank i got my own shit i got my own problems to worry about man so i felt bad just hammering my friends with this you know it's like it's like a broken record. Same thing going over again.

I kind of tried to stop talking about it. Some friends really stuck by me. And little did they know, they saved my life because you can't do this alone. So we went up and looked up High Watch Recovery Center in Kent, Connecticut. Middle of Connecticut. Didn't even know it existed. And it saved my life. Went there. Told the job. Job said job said okay we want you to get better so now i'm getting a little more confidence all right they're not really that you know nypd they're

there for me that's why i wanted to talk to you know get more they were there for me they didn't just say all right frank see you later you know see ya because you know if i never had this depressed just never felt depressed or this anxious before was a situational depression that turned into a major depressive disorder you know it's not like i just woke up one day and was like oh man i'm really depressed and that's that happens to people and i feel really bad for them because they don't know what they did you know what do you think the most misunderstood thing is about depression 20 people 20 of people everyday people they uh they are diagnosed with depression, PTSD, anxiety.

So one, two, three, four, five, one of us in here. It's a common thing, man. Law enforcement, 30%. That goes up 10%. 30% of law enforcement and first responders are affected by PTSD, anxiety, depression. So if you're depressed, people are like, oh, stay away from this guy, whatever. Well, again, if you don't know what's going on, I think everyone's going to get depressed in their lifetime. It could be a day.

It could be a few hours. It's a part of the human brain. It's emotional. It's part of nature. It's a coping mechanism, right? But how far are you going to take that? How far are you going to take that depression and realize what the main source is? So it's very common.

It's common. And people don't want to admit it's very common. It's common. And, you know, people don't want to admit it or not, but it's real. So what is it at the farm that changed your life? What changed there? Or what did you do there? Six weeks away. So now we're in February of 2019,

all of March, middle of April 2019. Everyday people, lawyers, cops, businessmen, millionaire businessmenmen people in construction people that have been on the streets for 20 30 years you hear their stories you talk it was like going to class every single day learning about aa learning about recovery having a therapist to help you work through stuff once a week you would meet not just you know and i was in the dorm with 14 guys. It was like I was back in college.

We joked around, we laughed. We got through it together. Because you can't get through this by yourself. It was together we got through this. And they put me on Trintelex. So here I am on another medication. So now I'm on Effexor and Trintelex. So I'm still medicated up.

But I knew in my head, I'm like, I got to get better. I got to get off this stuff because it's not me. So I went from 165 pounds to 185 pounds. On this medication, I went to 215 pounds. I've been trying to chase 200 pounds, not working out my whole life. I can't even get to 200 pounds.

Now I'm 215 pounds when I leave the farm. But my spirits are high. So I go back to the job interview tell them they put me back out you know in my precinct and um then they sent me to a different unit and it was only one of the best decisions i got i'm in a unit now and i met a lot of good people a lot of nice people and they're really there for me and opened the doors for a lot of people down my road and my career. So I got out of rehab and the farm and still, you know, picked up a few times. And I said to myself, all right, you know it's bad, really bad.

You have an issue. You're guilty. You're ashamed. And, you know, pick up a few times. It'll be all right. You're guilty. You're shame. Pick up a few times.

It'll be all right. And September of 2019 was the last time I ever picked up a drink again because I realized I just worked my ass off to get back to keep my job. It's done nothing for me in my life but caused me negative effects. You know? To cause just bad shit man and since then I haven't picked up a drink my girlfriend came back to my life all my friends

I get picked up strong man no problems at work I bought a SSS Camaro I'm doing things for myself now I'm really developing into the person I want to be without that outside alcohol getting inside me and taking me over, making me someone who I'm not. The demon, the devil, the dark side of the force, as Star Wars would say.

That's the dark side. That's a huge psychological approach, the force and the dark side, depression. George Lucas made that for a reason, and a lot of people don't understand that. But if you aren't filling yourself up with with alcohol what are you filling yourself up with to replace it uh water i love unsweetened iced tea addicted to unsweetened iced tea water and coffee maybe i just meant like in your life you know like just period like oh you know what's kind of replacing that because you got to fill in you know these habits oh yeah it's a you know that's uh basically to fill in like uh if i'm not

drinking what am i doing right all right i mean people like aa they don't like a i'm going to a meeting i'm going to a meeting because it's helping my recovery and you don't have to believe in the big book or a higher power god but you get to hear other people's stories and holy shit man you're we're on the same boat together brother what's up you know how you doing like what's going on i want to meetings. Picking up Strongman. I'm working out. Instead of being at a bar hanging out with my friends, I'm picking up Strongman.

I'm learning it now. New movements. Not just bench squat and deadlift. And Strongman is great to the everyday world. You're picking up things. You're dragging it. It's all timed. In a first responder's life, everything is timed.

At any moment, any second, you can be pulling a body. You can be doing this stuff. And that keeps me motivated. Like, all right, I'm be doing this stuff, you know? And that keeps me motivated. Like, all right, I'm doing this for myself. It's new. It keeps me busy. But it's also going to really help me out in the real world. So, yeah, that's kind of my story.

So a year ago, I was in a psych ward. Six months ago, I was in a rehab. And now I'm four months sober. Talking to Mark Bell, who I've looked up to my whole 10 years of my life. Two weeks ago i walked in the west side barbell met louis simmons like holy fuck you know how am i doing this i worked out with alan thrall yesterday i worked out with black tom cruise on his instagram is uh larry wheels guy so in four months i mean people that are very famous and very

popular in the fitness world and it just started 2020 so i'm like huh wow this is kind of cool you know this is this is my dream coming true you know um and yeah there's just so much alcohol does to you man um it can i can you can talk about this forever it changes you man it gives you that high that dopamine feeling so the first 90 days is the harder for someone to get out of rehab so the average is a statistic is average person to get to 90 days it takes them 3.5 rehabs to get it right in the first 90 days so imagine as a family you send someone to rehab thinking they're gonna get it right they come out a week later they're relapsing they go to their second rehab and they're like all right maybe it's this time come out you got it for a month you know i got this in quotes i got this you relapse again now your family and your friends are like all right man you're an asshole you know

like we're here for you where you're going away you're not getting better man what's going on and that's a crazy statistic 33.5 rehabs in the first 90 days so i guess if you count my 14 day that's a rehab and then i was away for six weeks so two rehabs so i beat the 90 days and it's uh you're psychologically affected for the first 90 days once you break that 90 days that mark p90x i kind of just call it that you're free from that psychological most people are free from that psychological thinking about it craving stuff like that being addicted to it psycho um emotionally and physically that's a whole nother ballgame. My dad was addicted to it both physically, meaning you have to have a drink to keep your body going or you're going in withdrawals.

Alcohol is the only drug you can die from withdrawals. Even heroin, you can't die from withdrawals. Alcohol, you can. It's crazy. What do you think is the thing that, I guess, helped you actually get past it or get through that rehab period, that past that 90 days? Was it the community aspect? Like, why is it that people mostly fail? They're not true to themselves. Maybe they don't think they still have a problem, right? It takes years.

Maybe they don't feel good about themselves. Maybe they don't have the friends or the family that I had, right? Every variation comes in. You know, I had a good friend group, a good support group. That was huge for my recovery. They were there for me when they knew who I really was as a person. But when I was drinking, they were still there for me, you know? So it's having that support group work.

Even if you don't want to go to a meeting, just go to a meeting. Just get there. You're going to feel better. You know, it's like you go to the gym, you don't want to work out. You get there, you feel better, right? It's like you go to the gym you don't want to work out you get there you feel better right it's just talking about it just let it out because once you hold that in that resentment is so powerful for an alcoholic for a drug addict that hatred it's gonna lead you it's gonna lead you to a relapse it's gonna lead you to go back out that's what we call it in recovery oh i went back out which is doing what you're doing how did you uh

talk to your family about this um were you kind of forced which is doing what you're doing how did you uh talk to your family about this um were you kind of forced to because you knew you're gonna like lose your job type of thing or like how did it come about letting your family know that you had you know depression alcoholism that kind of stuff well it's kind of weird because my dad's an alcoholic so my mom's seen now two people. And I guess, you know, my dad really didn't understand it because he was finding his own disease, his own alcoholism.

Here's a man that's a great guy. He's addicted to alcohol and he's also addicted to opioids. So he has a gun and a knife at his chest. Which one's going to go off? Which one's going to trigger or the knife? You know? Thank God I didn't have that double-edged sword.

My parents were very happy. I went away and kind of manned up and took responsibility for my actions. It's like you go to a therapist and you're like, Frank, hey, I have a problem. Well, everyone has problems. This is the problem. Let's make a strategic way to get the problem and solve it. It's a basic algebra. If I do this, if I go A, this will happen. If I go B, this will happen.

Let's make this the smartest thing. So they were there for me for my recovery and they've been there. And now my dad is sober two months and I four months. So, but it's just crazy because here I am looking up to my dad my whole life. And now he's kind of following my footsteps. I'll never forget some stories.

Like, you know, I come home and he's in the bushes. You don't even know where he is. Got to drag him in. He's putting bleach and Clorox on his arms. You don't know where he is. And for me, it's like, you know, I'm used to it. I grew up in that household or, you know, mom and dad are kind of fighting every night almost. It's normal. That's normal to me, you know. So that chaos chirping in my head, it's normal. You know, you don't really know what goes inside of a household, right? You know, it's drinking. It's normal. And, you know, the day before he went to rehab, he split his head open three staples in his head.

Yeah. A few months ago, man. Come home from a meeting. My brother's on the phone with 9-1. I said, what the hell is going on, man? Turn that off. Get off. Get off.

He's like, my dad fell. I go up there. He's got a towel on his head. My mom is there. I said, what the fuck is going on man turn that get off get off he's like my dad fell i go up there he's got a towel on his head my mom is there i said what the fuck what happened and you know my mom italian stallion your fucking father i'm done with him he fucking's drinking he fell he hit his head he's cracked open fuck it you know he's just what is this guy gonna learn and that's the stuff a basic alcoholic recovery person uh addict hears you know, when are you going to learn? So please come. And he's like, I'm not going to hospital.

I'm not going to hospital. And I'm like, all right. And I cop mode kind of came in. I said, dad, here are your options. You go to the hospital. I'll drive you to rehab right now. Or mom and Chris will get in the car and they'll leave. And you'll probably lose your family.

You had to make that decision. And there's a guy that just got out of kidney failure, alcoholic acidosis, two weeks before that. So he's dying. His body's shutting down, man. Everything's giving up on him. And he's still drinking. That's how powerful it is.

That's how fucking powerful it is when you're in your, when it's got you by the grasp. You don't care about anything else. Just that next high. And a lot of people will go out there and, the grasp, you don't care about anything else. Just that next high. And a lot of people will go out there and, I know, just now what I went through, I hate saying, oh, that person's a crackhead. Well, you don't know why they're a crackhead, what they go through.

And maybe they steal, but they're stealing for that drug. They're stealing because not everyone can have what I had. And I'm very honored and blessed to have that family, that support group, weightlifting, working out. So my dad goes to the hospital, comes out, same night. Me and my mom are watching Netflix and the door opens. Oh shit, he's back already. Next day, here comes the excuses.

Let me just go to an outpatient. Let me just talk to someone. Dad, you got to go. You got to fucking go. And I said, you know what? And now he's very proud of it. We were in a meeting the other night in Sacramento, and he's talking like he's got years on.

But that's just my dad, very helpful, very life experience comes in. And I don't know if this is true, but this is what kind of reeled him in. I said, Dad, I'll go to the courts right now, because there is a mental health court order where you can get some doctor's signatures, some people's signatures to make sure you're forced to go to rehab. I said, Dad, I'll go to the court right now and I'll tell them you're drinking, you're depressed. Maybe you're driving a little bit, harm to yourself and others. And then you'll get a court order warrant to go to rehab and everyone is going to know you went. court order warrant to go to rehab and everyone is going to know you went and he said all right you know what you're right with your mother and with this i'll go and he fucking went to high

watch recovery center in connecticut the same place i went to and i knew it was going to be great for him because there's guys joking around having fun man and you learn about this stuff it's interesting and then he came out two weeks ago he. Two weeks ago he left the day before Thanksgiving. So last Thanksgiving, you know, last Christmas I was in my situation. I wasn't with my family. New Year's Eve I wasn't with my family. This Christmas was one of the best Christmases I ever

had in my life. New Year's the best in my life. And I was sober. I was fucking sober. And my dad was in rehab. So I haven't spent two Christmases, two New Year's with him. But for the long run, hopefully we have 20, 30, 40 more left. And he admits it, and it's crazy. He admits how fucked up he was, how he was drinking, why he was drinking, what. Did you guys used to talk to him about his drinking when you were younger,

or was this something that came up way later on? Well, it's something I always knew. Yeah, yeah, knew, but like... I never talked? Well, it's something I always knew. Yeah, yeah, knew, but like, but no one talked about it. Oh,

no, how can I? Right. I don't have the balls to say that. No, you're a kid. And my grandfather.

But I just mean from a family perspective. Yeah, no, not for like the past two or three years. Okay, yeah,

there was no intervention going on earlier. No, we had our first intervention like a year ago. Yeah. Two years ago. Because for him,

he was going to work every day. He was supporting the family. He was there for us. Right. He broke his leg in the firehouse 18 years ago, snapped his tibia and fibula,

two plates and 16 screws. Here comes the Vicodin. Right. Here come the perks. So, 18 years, you got both in you. Two, three years ago, he got a wood chipper you know worked for

the highway department snapped his ankle into 35 pieces here he comes keep it coming right so now he's really fucking his brain is mush he's look he look he can look at him and he knows he lost everything his body's really he's got you know he's got to work at and get it back but he's very skin and not no muscle so you said your your dad didn't really understand it because he was battling his own thing. What about your mom? Did you go to your mom and say, Mom, I've been going to get help. I'm depressed. I've fallen victim to the same thing Dad did.

How did that unfold? My mom, she's a nurse, so she knows about this stuff. She saw I was getting very depressed, and she's kind of what helped me get into the rehab and all that. And when I first started going, when I first started telling her about the job change, remember I was still depressed and anxious. I don't think she knew how anxious and depressed I was until over time it really developed into losing all that weight.

But she was there for me, very grateful. And then we had to worry about my dad at the same time. How's he going to accept it? He hadn't accepted it for years. You know, so my family didn't talk to him. That didn't help him. My mom was going to leave him. That didn't, that was close.

But it's a powerful, cunning disease, baffling, and it takes control of the mind. Thank you. How is the, uh, you know, now that you're doing a lot better, um,

you know, what's it like? Do you have, do you have anxiety now? Um, in terms of like, fuck man, am I going to screw this up again?

Like I've messed up a little bit before. Is this going to happen? Is that going to happen again? Or do you feel pretty powerful? To be honest, I feel pretty powerful because I never want to go back there. I work too hard to get to where I am. I don't even think about a drink or anything.

I can sit at a bar and have an iced tea and enjoy life. And then I don't even want to be around a bar because you see all these people ruining their lives, literally sitting there, wasting away. So not only are you affecting your health, you're at a bar two, three hours at a time. You're losing time in your life. You're losing ideas. You're losing precious moments.

I don't want to deal with that anymore. I want to do one day at a time. Enjoy it. And hopefully wake up and I get another day. And another day. And brick by brick by brick. I never want to go back out. But the disease, hey, maybe 10 years i'm talking

to mark and i went back out it's there right that's it man it's always there that's the crazy part anything in life could be a trigger fuck it i'll pick up once but i know if i pick up once maybe i don't go on a tear maybe the second time i go on a tear third time i probably go on a tear because i mean my dad flew out here right i was telling you no one knows what we're doing in california we can have a great podcast great workout oh you know there's a dream come true for me frank right dad let's go out let's get a beer let's have enjoy and that's the social you know celebrate with alcohol right bullshit celebrate with prs so we could be that next Hangover movie.

We can go down, Mike Tyson's freaking – Tigers. Tigers. And then we could not tell anybody. But I know if I pick up that drink right now. Because now it took me 27 years to kind of know a little bit who I am. I don't know who I am really. Every day I'm learning new stuff.

If I pick up that drink, there it goes. I'm done. So every day I keep myself busy, new ideas, working out, going to work. So I don't think about that. And now I haven't thought about that for months. When you were depressed, did you want to kill yourself? I'll just kind of say next question, you'll see where i'm where i'm at you know like i said really dark deep thoughts yeah how about the medication like did you uh

did you how did you get off of that when you left rehab because there's a frexit and a second mitigation so do you still have to take anything now or no i haven't been on medication in two years uh two months wow so i uh saw another psychiatrist and he took three right remember the first psychiatrist a 50-minute session three sessions of an hour to get to know me and he said you know ah rat poison and when he said it i was like rat poison what the fuck you know because i was still a little oh yeah alcohol is rat poison man it affects you psychologically much more than people think it doesn't also affect you in the gym affects you psychologically said yeah you know heavy addict you talk to what's your poison man crack coke heroin speedballing you know booze you know and that was my poison so every time i would see him and now i'm spending a lot of money

on my own for this recovery. It's not free. Thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars. And a lot of people also don't have that, right? But AA is free, right? Of course. You go in there, have a coffee. And that community, we know. It's all about helping another alcoholic. Keeps us sober.

Keeps you sober. That's what it's all about. Helping another alcoholic in need because you know how it feels. Right? You know how it feels when you are lost. Right? Your mom's basement you talk about. Right?

You don't know what the fuck is going on. The Rock. What did he say? $7 in his pocket. And you've been there. Right? I don't know if you're depressed or not, but the way you talked about it, you probably were. You don't know what the fuck's going to happen.

You know? And you have a good support system and you just keep moving forward step by step, day by day. Just don't get stuck how I did. Just move an inch at a time. Even if it's an inch, just move forward and keep it going. Because once you stop, it could wrap you up in a second. And I don't, there's no need for that, right?

You already have a lot of stress in your life. Life is stressful. You don't need to add extra stress. Now are these days with the millennials and everything, the average age to survive is 71 years old. That's crazy. Suicide, drugs, there's heroin. It's powerful out there.

Laced with fentanyl. Right? What did I say? God didn't put us on here. Her higher power. He didn't make this alcohol. You know, it was man-made. You know?

Yeah, it's like the first generation, I think, in history that is not supposed to be able to outlive their parents. That's. Some weird shit like that, right? That's insane, man. It really is. It's sad. And social media is a big part of this, man.

It's ruining a lot of people. That's a big addiction, social media. Instagram. I got to prove myself to other people. Yeah. That's a big addiction, social media, Instagram. I got to prove myself to other people. Those influencers, right? I got to do this. I got to take a picture of my ass and put it out there for money for days and days, right?

So if you have a nice transformation in your life, cool, post it. Respect. Let's show how you got there. But you're posting yourself in a bra or underwear a lot. I don't think a lot of people understand psychologically what they're doing. First of all, they're giving their body out.

So there's people, sick people out there that, you know, are taking this. Who knows if they're saving the picture? Who knows if you walk in that bedroom, they're going to have pictures of you all over. You don't fucking know. They could. They could have made a calendar of you of you right now you're getting all these negative comments well if you want to post this right like you know part of the game right you know what's gonna come why you keep posting it maybe that's like an addiction you have i gotta post it it's a it's an urge you know you can't resist it so you're posting your location now any fucking joe smoke can find out where you live, what gym you go to, where you are.

And there's very sick people, I think, weird stuff out there. People selling, buying bathwater of hot chicks. That's just insanity. You know? What do you think about other addictions? You know, like where do you draw the line? Because sometimes recovering alcoholics, sometimes they smoke marijuana. You know, my brother uses, like, Kratom.

You know, where do you kind of stand on that? Like, I mean, coffee's an addiction. Right. Jerking off's an addiction. Like, there's so many things that can be addictions. Right. And they could end up being negative. They can impact your job or impact other aspects of your life,

and that starts to become very problematic for you now after going through rehab. Where do you kind of draw the line? Well, addiction, like you kind of said it, right? Eating is an addiction. Drinking is addiction. Picking up is an addiction. Shopping is an addiction.

I met Steve-O from Jackass. Great guy. Yeah, I had to go to rehab for freaking jerking off and watching porn. Look at Lamar Odom, right? Life is, if you really think about it, it's addiction. Powerlifting meets, strongman meets. That could be an addiction in a positive way, right? Reading is an addiction, right?

If you read so much and you start feeling guilty. So a lot of people are addicted to things that they don't even know it. Wait, pause. What was it that messed up Lamar? Basically, porn addiction. Shit. shit before games he has a rehab the team's out there shooting shooting shots he had to get one last jerkin before the game and this is this is wild you know that's real but he yeah you know i give him credit because he'd been a lot he was doing i think meth or whatever and then he also he had to get like uh flown to the er because he was at one of like he was doing, I think, meth or whatever. And then he also, he had to get flown to the ER

because he was at one of those ranches, and he took a bunch of boner pills and probably coke or something, and his heart rate went through the roof, and, yeah, he just was bad. Sex addiction, I guess, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Damn, porn. It happens out there, man.

You get addicted to anything that keeps you that high what gives it to you man you can get addicted to freaking working on cars uh working on quads buying new cars right buying a watch buying all this stuff you know it's just you can be addicted to conor mcgregor interview before cowboy he goes lebron james spends 1.5 million dollars a year on his body. On his body. Being the best that he can in the craft. Everything.

Conor goes $1.5 million on a car, a watch. He was in a deep, dark place. He didn't fight for two years. He was very humble in this fight and I'd love to see that. But just to show what can happen and also being an addict and getting into fame,

I bet there's a lot of people out there that don't know the best of their craft. They are in recovery. You know, they are. And it's a lot of people that are motivational people. And actually, I actually have a list because I want to,

the best of the best actors, the best, you know, very good people that you'll be like, holy shit, I didn't even know. You know what I mean? So it's just like,

and those people, they get respect. But if a random addict or a person ODs, right? A normal civilian, normal person. Oh, there he goes. Steve OD'd again. Fuck him, right? He's a crackhead.

But if a famous person ODs, oh, I feel so bad. But what's the difference, right? They're famous for good at that craft. And the best, Mac Miller, right? He died. Overdose. Avicii.

EDM. Fucking slit his wrists. Killed himself. These guys were the best at their craft. So people that are ODing and dying, you don't even know. They might not even hit their craft yet and they could change the world.

But they're wrapped up in this, in the darkness. They're wrapped up into this thing that gets a hold of you and when it lets go, I mean, it's not going to let go. You were mentioning earlier that you needed football and then you know when when you lost football you kind of lost yourself a little bit um were you able to kind of pick up and get back into some strong disciplines uh right away after you kind of came out of rehab or did you need more

time to heal before you started like being a badass in the gym or or getting more into nutrition and exercise and stuff after like the high watts right yeah yeah whenever you started to feel better yeah so i started picking up lifting here and then basic bodybuilding stuff just get myself feel good move around feel what i'd like to get back into this body but now i'm 215 pounds, right? I got to learn. And then basic, I don't know, five by five, just trying to get strong again. And then at the end of August, September-ish, you know, I'm down 22 pounds now since September. Weight in now, I'm like 190.

Not drinking. Eating clean. Working out. Focusing. Being positive. Helping reduce stress. Do you try to like schedule things that you have? Because, you know, with football, you had like a schedule.

Oh, yeah. 100%. Do you try to schedule stuff so that way you're like, I don't know, you're so tied down to doing like other shit that you can't be, you know, the weird thoughts and stuff won't creep into your head as much. Right. Yeah. Yeah. I work during the day.

So I wake up, go to work, eat my meals during work. Right after work, go to the gym. And it depends on what kind of workout it is, you know. I'll head to AA meeting. And I always call my buddies. These people that I went to High Watch with, I'm still in contact with them. I got a guy that sends me car mine, 6.30 every morning, AA thought of the day.

I wake up to that text every morning. A powerful message. So I became very close to these guys. But yeah, everything is time. To me, everything's got to be on a time schedule and it helps your body. So it's like, you know, everything is just, you get used to it and you are able to,

it feels better when you're on a schedule that you made, right? And then that's good, that works for you, you know? Even if you're not able to get to a meeting in recovery, call someone in recovery. Or just call your best friend and be like, hey, hey, Mark, how you doing today, man? Like, really, come on, no bullshit, tell me, how you feeling? Or, you know, call your mom, like, hey, mom, just wanted to let you know I love you and doing well. You know, how you doing? You know, that one phone call might save to let you know I love you and doing well. You know, how are you doing? You know, that one phone call might save that person's life.

You don't know what they're thinking, right? Those deep thoughts. Just to say out there, hey, I'm grateful for you. Thanks. Thanks for letting me be in this position. You know, my dad came here from, we came from New York. You know, thanks, dad. Thanks for being here.

You know, thanks for supporting me. Because without you, I wouldn't be here. How about the gym i've heard about like right so and this is where positive um so just to bounce back on mark's question real quick because i'll hit that about getting into it i actually hit up brandon lilly um for programming and brandon i said hey man i just want to get back and they're feeling strong this is back in August I'm 215 pounds I need to lose weight this is not me and I could kind of do it myself

but the best of the best in the world they have coaches they have athletes they have a team right Mark has a team and Mark is definitely man enough to say I couldn't do this without my team Donald Trump became president with a team Donald Trump is sober by the way his brother died from alcohol he said I'll never pick up a drink in my life because

I never saw my brother. Hate him or not, he's a President of the United States billionaire. Sober. Eminem. One of the best rappers. Sober. Demi Lovato. Brad Pitt's going through recovery. Ben Affleck's going through recovery. I can just spit ball names. Samuel L. Jackson, he said

he was a crackhead. Who played bane oh forgot his name names eluding me but jack dude damn it he was just great in peaky blinders yeah yeah he was alfrey that's just that was his name yeah peaky blinders names alfie tom uh heart uh at hardy tom hardy tom hardy tom hardy ed hardy is the clothing line right Yeah, Peaky Blinders. His name's Alfie. Tom Hardy. Tom Hardy. Tom Hardy. Tom Hardy. Ed Hardy is the clothing line, right? Damn, back in the day, right?

You gotta wear Ed Hardy, you're a badass. Tom Hardy, man. He was a crackhead, he said. He was fucking, went to a rehab in the early 20s. This guy is a monster, machine, really good actor. Bradley Cooper. He's been sober forever. these guys are the best in their craft and they're sober you know so if you have a role model look up to these people well they're

the best right there's no argument really these are the top five actors the top five robert downey jr right iron man i was gonna say that too right you think about it these people are sober i've heard from some people they say uh you know they've had a big fear of what it's going to look like when they go out and hang out with friends. Was that a hard transition? You're just like, oh, I'm sipping on this and I'm sipping on some tea. It's got to be quite different. No, I had a good support group. They wanted me to get better.

That was the thing. They were there for me. That's why I'm very lucky and blessed to have that friend group they were there for me and they know you know that i'm not i'm not going to pick up because you know they won't let me to either physically we'll get into a fight probably if i try to pick up that's how much of a good i mean some people some people are kind of thinking like like oh all i get to drink is this tea this sucks right right and that's the first 90 days but the other side of it sucks way worse oh you think about being an alcoholic being addicted to something that sucks way worse than just sitting there drinking some water right and because you know you don't know

any better you don't know anything else right now in early recovery really of how your life is really meant to be but people do hang out with if you're in a bar right if you're a bartender or something like that and you're wearing a restaurant, drinking is huge. You might have to quit that job to keep your recovery safe. I've heard a lot of people in the rooms quit their jobs because they knew they would relapse. That's how much it takes to start over. And now they're living a great life. So to bounce back on about the gym.

So I've been sober. And in my mind, I always wanted to open up a gym when I retired, you know. Cool. You know, help people, my dream. Just, you know, watching videos, Instagram, thinking a lot of thoughts. I said, why can't I open up my own gym? Like what's stopping me right now, you know? What's going to help my recovery? What's going to keep me busy?

And especially with NYPD having 10 suicides last year. Two of them, 12, because if you count two, they were retired. I don't want to see anyone kill themselves. You know, NYPD, law enforcement, firemen, any person on the street, right? There's always a chance to get better and change. It's a hero journey. It's fighting through the demons and restarting a new life and becoming someone different, you know? So I said, all right.

Kind of started spitballing to myself, writing in my notes on my phone, writing down. And I had this idea and I told my girlfriend, I said, hey, what do you think about reps for responders? And I told her about it. And she goes, have you heard of reps for recovery? I said, no idea. What is that?

Reps for recovery is a gym out in Reno. I never knew. The nonprofit is Anyone in Recovery. That's Chrissy May, right? Yeah. Right? Yeah. Actually, I think I'm going to go with this Thursday to check it out.

That Anyone in Recovery can use the gym for free. Now you have a family, a unity to hang out, to talk about your problems, to work out together, to learn, to get better, right? That's what it's all about. So I said, you know, my idea was, wow. So I reached out to them. They actually talked to me for 30 minutes, got great ideas, how it's ran. But my idea was, all right, any first responder, volunteer or not, because in Rockland there's a lot of volunteer firemen and EMS, NEMT, anyone that's active, anyone who's retired, any active military, any veteran can use this gym for free. Come on in, work out, open membership, right? But I want to try to build that community and it's more for the psychological, right?

Come in. I've been through it. You know, I've been through hell and back, I guess, right? I guess, you know, I'm an everyday guy. If I can get through the story I kind of just told you, why can't you? What's the difference, you know? It's just that support group, that motivation, that vision. So come in.

You have an issue. Hey, I don't want to go to the job. I'm feeling depressed. I'm drinking a lot. All right. You know, all right. Thanks for telling me. Let's try to make a plan.

Let me hook you up with the right people. Because now I know a lot of people that are very well in their profession and get get you the right help that strategic plan to help you kind of get through this so you don't have to get a dwi lose your job divorce go to strip clubs kill yourself you know what i mean and that's why i'm opening this gym because i don't want to see anyone go through what i went through i went through it fucking sucked and now but i'm great i say i'm a grateful alcoholic because I'm grateful I went through it. Because if I didn't go through it, who knows what happens to me at 30 or 40, right? Mark, you said it can happen to you anytime. Now I have a family.

I have kids. And I'm going through with the kids. And now I know if I have kids when I want to one day, they'll never see dad as an alcoholic. I'll never have a fucking drink in that house. If they pick up, I'll let them know, right? 18, 19. Hey, you fall off a swing it's gonna hurt you know fucking put some sand on it some wood chips and go you gotta

fall and learn right you can't just get babied hey you drink this is what's gonna happen man good luck on your first night drinking you can like it you can hate it but i'll let you know it runs in your family and it will ruin your fucking life forever so that's how i look at it so now there's j, I'm opening up with a Midtown North cop in Manhattan. We took the police test together. Good friend of mine.

Retired second grade detective. He's a black belt in jiu-jitsu. 35 years. He was in the robbery squad in Manhattan in a taxi unit. They got rid of the taxi unit. He did the streets

for 20, 25 years. This is his dream. He said he always wanted to open up a gym and just do jiu-jitsu for free. We had the same mindset. To help first responders. There's a lot of first responders out there. Fat, out of shape. They don't know years this is his dream he said he always wanted to open up a gym and just do just do for free we have the same mindset to help first responders there's a lot of first responders out there fat out of shape they don't know really what's going on and tactics saves lives and it's you

should be working out because it's going to save your life and your partner's life you know it's just you know basic tactics like you see someone on the street with their hands right hands in your pocket and say hey man you know just take your hands out for me right you know nah man why do i gotta do it it's not even an instant it's a second i have your wrist right now i have control and it's all about the hands right your eyes right your hands are going to tell you everything if they don't have a gun on them or drugs or not i did that for my safety it's all about safety keeping you safe and now everything that's going on in the streets people are afraid to put hands on people because they don't want to get in trouble

they don't want to get the camera but you got to do your job because what do they say it's better be better than uh uh tried by 12 and carried by six or did i get that the opposite way you know right the jury right get then die you know so it's just all about tactics and joe is very good at what he does and could save a cop's life you know and try to mark and it would be great. Try to arrest someone by yourself, 18 year old female, right? Imagine Jess trying to

put two cuffs on her. It's going to be a fight and it's not going to be a straw man minute or a deadlifting down. It's going to be a fucking battle. So all that stuff will help you

to survive and go further. So this is the idea I have. So we'll do, you know, open gym, come on in, work out,

do your thing. I'll do some straw man conditioning. So we'll do, you know, open gym. Come on in. Work out. Do your thing. I'll do some straw man conditioning classes. I used to be a certified personal trainer too. I got to find some bullshit certification to do. No problem. And Joe is certified to give out belts. So now we have a black belts class. We can do straw man conditioning.

We can do open gym. Come and do your thing. I'll help you out whenever you need. And then I want to run some AA meetings out of it. Come in and talk. And I would love to get people, you know, come into the gym. Big time people. Talk about help you out whatever you need. And then I want to run some AA meetings out of it. Come in and talk. And I would love to get people, you know, come into the gym, big time people, talk about, you know, have a

meeting. You know, why am I sober? Come in here. AA or not. You know, fitness or not. Come in and make it to the community, you know. Rep for responders. You know, every rep we're doing is to build this, you know, try to save someone's life because there's only a time until that alcohol, because he has a cop, he can't take coke, he can't smoke weed. I do coke, not take it. Do coke because you know, you're going someone's life because it's only a time until that alcohol, because he has a cop, he can't take Coke.

You can't smoke weed. I do Coke, not take it to go because you know, you're going to lose your job. So alcohol is a big number one thing. And it's, there's other ways. So you don't get that DWI.

You don't get the toughest part with alcohol. It's, you know, it's everywhere. Hey, quick question, man. This may be,

I don't know. This may sound stupid, but do you think something like, you know, how, um, Chris is utilizing Kratom. It helps with this pain. It helps him to take his addiction. I don't know this may sound stupid but do you think something like you know how Chris is utilizing Kratom it helps with his pain it helps with his addiction do you think like

something like weed could help individuals with these issues or no in your opinion it's just like such a sticky topic I never really smoked weed but I do know that a lot of people that drank smoked weed that led them to coke, that led them to heroin. Gateway.

So you might be smoking weed for a few months or so, right? And then you're like, oh, fuck, I feel good, but I'm missing that alcohol. I don't know. Every individual is different, right? When someone comes in and you want to train them, you do an assessment. I don't know your past of history. I recommend no because you can pick it up at any time you could be feeling so good and you don't even know you

get so high and you're picking up a drink and then you're fucking doing coke or whatever you know what i mean and then you're like oh shit here we go again you know and it's like i just recommend it no try to find a different outlet but again i'm not you know i'm not really sure about that past of that person and if they can can control it, and that's the thing, you think you can control it, fuck out of here. You can't control it, man. There's no way. It's a human kryptonite, Superman kryptonite.

That's what ruins lives, jobs, relationships, not even just for cops, everyday people. It's just, you know, the best actors in the world, Harry Potter, right? The British guy. I forgot his name right now. He went through it. Young kid going through all this stress. He's drinking like crazy. And, you know, I just give those guys a lot of respect for coming out and giving their story to save people.

Because, look, I'm just like a normal guy from New York. And I, you know, remembering these things that these guys came from a far, far away place. And they're here. They got through it. Yeah, if you ever drive by a rehab center, you'll know it because people are smoking like crazy and drinking coffee. Oh, man, after AA meeting, fucking cigarette break.

Yeah, you see this kind of chain smoking. And, you know, I would just say, look, you know, I think a really negative thing is when it has a negative influence like on your life. And so if you can smoke some cigarettes here and there, I mean, I don't think anybody thinks that smoking is healthy is is a good practice and right you can you know coffee seems to be fairly safe um but at the same time it's like uh you know you might just want to be careful with what it is you're doing because it might be triggering just like with food like

can i eat that well not really you know if you if it's going to lead you to be out of control with the rest of your diet and it's going to throw you off pattern, then maybe not. So it's funny you say that because last night we went out for food and my dad got a Sprite. And every time my dad drank, Sprite was his go-to. Sprite and vodka. So I said, Dad, does that make you want to drink? Right? Because that's, you know, that's a good way to trigger yourself. He said, no.

All right, I'm going to believe the man. He's my father and he's in recovery. And all right, I can trust you, man. Right. But if he mans up and says, you know, I feel like I want to have a drink because I'm drinking a Sprite, then we can't have Sprite anymore and work around it. So it's all about if you're in recovery, you slip up, right? There's a difference between relapsing and a slip up.

So if my dad left the podcast or we work out later and he goes i'm just gonna go out right and he comes back he said frank i had a drink man two three drinks a little buzz i fucked up all right let's acknowledge that slip up let's work around it what what caused you to drink right did you feel good because when i drank when i slipped up a little bit i said oh i feel great i got this you know i didn't have like an outside stressor to drink all right that's a slip-up man let's first of all you have to admit the slip-up because when you hold it in then it's going to lead to that relapse so all right you had to slip up today's date you know start over day one not sober anymore tomorrow's day one and go from there so slip up might be a few or more timely ben affleck just

said he had a slip-up all right spent000 or something in a rehab or at a casino. He admitted it, though. That's very powerful to acknowledge your slip-up. And he's going back to work. And going back to work isn't working on the program. Going back into it a day at a time. A second at a time. A minute at a time.

And going from there. Which is really, really awesome. You have to admit your slip-ups. Because if you don't admit it, which is really, really awesome to, you know, you have to admit your suboptimal. If you don't admit it, then it's going to lead to a relapse and you're not fooling anyone, man. Back to the farm. Has it changed the way that you act in general, you know, going through AA and going through

rehab? Because I hear, I remember Chrissy May Cagney a few years ago was on my podcast and she was saying that she was sober, but she was still acting like, she was still, you know, acting like she was an addict. Intoxicated? Not intoxicated. No, she was acting. Addict behaviors? She had addict behavior. She just was like not good to people.

And it was the way she was treating people when she was addicted. just was like not good to people and and it was the way she was treating people when she was addicted she was used to treating people that way and so she was like fuck like i i need to i need to fix this up too you know you do you do you feel some of that and has it helped you uh maybe even just like be a better person overall right right yeah so again like every, every addict is different. Like maybe she was, I know she did a lot of different types of substances. I'm pretty sure, right?

She admitted it. And I've only had alcohol, right? So I didn't really have a crazy story where I really hurt someone intentionally or whatever. So, but you're consciously, subconsciously, you have habits that you built over years and years and years of not knowing wrong. So it's going to take, what do they say?

21 days to break a little habit, right? It's going to take a long, like think about all those years you were out there shooting up sniffing years think about how much now time you got to come out and work on being a good person right and breaking those habits slowly you can't just say i'm going to do this all today and it's going to be fuck i'm drinking again in an hour you know it's just breaking it down fix one habit at a time. And that's kind of just, now that I'm not drinking, I feel better. I think better.

I think so much faster and clearer. I don't have to worry about what did I do last night? Oh, my girlfriend's pissed at me. Or what did I say, you know? I'm in control of myself. I'm in control of my thoughts and the thoughts are so powerful.

If you fill yourself up with negative thoughts, your brain don't know. You're going to think negative. Oh, well, you know, I'll never be able to squat 600, know well okay well you just said it to yourself you fucking can't do it you know and that's like a perfect example of how powerful addiction is in your brain and how much it hits the receptors and i heard your brother out there

talking about it you know and it's really really crazy how it plans out and how crazy recovery really is. Great and powerful. And about the gym. So real quick, like the motto is like a minotaur. And the minotaur, so in Greek mythology, there is a different type of basically like a learning curve for each story. So the minotaur was killing everybody everybody he was in a labyrinth right and i have a tattoo of the minotaur on my body it's like a code i live by this is for me no one else you know when people ask i'll tell them a story and i'm like oh shit there's a good

story you face the minotaur and i'll tell you when so the minotaur was you know kind of brought down because there was a goddess who did something. So they made her have sex with this bull. And the bull became half man, half bull. Half man, half bull. The Minotaur. He's put in a labyrinth, right? All these warriors go in the labyrinth.

The Minotaur's crushed him, killing him. Now Thesis, the warrior, knows he can kill the Minotaur. Maybe we talk about the vision. He visions he can kill the Minotaur. I know I got this, but I'm worried. How do I get out of the labyrinth? If I can kill the Minotaur, how do I get out? His girlfriend at the time said,

hey, I'll give you this ball of yarn. Once you enter the labyrinth, go through it, drop it. When you kill him, follow the yarn back out. He killed the Minotaur. Thesis was the warrior, love story. He followed the yarn, so it shows the littlest things in life But love can go a long way Psychological approach is

Your brain is like a labyrinth You can get caught in your brain all the time You don't know which way you're going So the minotaur is your fear Your doubt, your anxiety Every time you start a new job You start a new school, a new relationship, right? Everyone's like, fuck, is this going to work out?

Am I making that right choice? So you're technically the minotaur and your thesis, right? So once you accept killing the minotaur, get rid of your fears, your doubts, your anxieties. Truth will set you free, right? So now the gym is going to be, you know, breath for responders.

I want to call it the labyrinth, but I't know because the non-profit it took a lot i put a lot of money into this into this you know my own money you know and i'm not looking to make money on this gym i'm looking to help people save a life that's what i care about and hey frank 10 years or five years from now you saved my life and i'm like hey man welcome to the club bro because i know how it feels so you know when you're in your mom's basement right you had the fucking minotaur man up your ass fucking breathing on you like right and you fucking had to say you know what i'm gonna make you know a slingshot i'm gonna go with it destroy my fears destroy my doubts destroy my anxiety and boom and you know what the crazy thing is mark and minotaur could appear back man just like fucking addiction that's what was up my ass the whole time there was something up

there getting at him so yeah it's like a great documentary strongman eddie hall when he had the Just like fucking addiction. That's what was up my ass the whole time. There was something up there. Getting at him. So yeah, it's like a great documentary, Strongman, Eddie Hall, when he had to pull 500 kilos, right? 1,102 pounds. Did you see what he had to go through? I don't think people understand that.

The psychological, the fight or flight, the activation, the hell he went through. To do what he did, humanly possiblely possible order therapists get to that dark place and activate it um and you don't see you know you want to be like these guys eddie hall brian saw um mark uh how do you pronounce his last name we just won strongman um oh martinez yeah martine you want to be like these guys, but these guys are not drinking. They're not partying. You know, they're fucking every day.

They're living this, you know, big Z, right? Really respectable man. These guys, the best of the best. They're not. They're sacrificing to get here. And they're there because a big part of it is they didn't pick up the drink. I guarantee you, if we had Eddie or Brian in here and whatever, they said, hey, can you drink twice a week and black out and do strong men? They'll laugh.

It's not possible. I don't believe regrets in life. I believe in learning experience. But one big learning experience, if I started working out as a freshman in high school and I didn't pick up a drink, who knows how strong I could have gotten naturally. Because now, every time I picked up a drink, my sleep gets fucked up for three, four days. I don't eat.

And then when you're drunk or you're hungover, you're eating like shit, your body's craving different foods. So I was like, wow, if I didn't do that for 10 years, who knows what would happen? You know?

So now I'm back on the grind. Like I have not certain numbers. I want to hit by the time I'm 30, 35. And it's all about slow, that slow future goals and trying to get there. What's you got going on over there, Andrew?

I had a really, really good question coming from Facebook basically she I think as a she she asked what can because she's a therapist so from you know I'm talking cool yeah yeah so so talking to somebody who is a therapist what can they do to be better at listening to somebody like in your situation or, you know, that was going through your, you know, through your experience? Because she's just like, well, shit, what can we do to be better? That's pretty cool. Yeah, that's great.

Well, funny because I had someone who's going through a little depression now, one of my best friends, and he saw a therapist one session. You know what she said to him? And that got me pissed. I can see you're depressed. What do you think about taking medication? The first i said dude do not do that let's get you eaten for three weeks three months straight clean let's get you working out 10 minute walks right your thing right and let's see if that helps then maybe we'll go to medication that's the problem and i don't know

if this therapist has you know if she could prescribe medication that's a psychiatrist but there's someone that comes to you with a drinking problem is to kind of tell them, hey, listen, you're not a bad person. Find out how they grew up. Listen to their stories because everyone has emotional scars that are there forever. It's different. See what triggers them and affects them. Hey, if you're a therapist, volunteer. If you really care about that person, hey, I'll go to a meeting with you, man.

Let's do this together. Let's see what's going on and work it out slowly. Let's just go to a meeting and see how it goes and just be very involved with that person and try to find out the triggers and what really caused them to drink and give the best advice you can. You know, they're not wrong. You know, you're getting caught up in the labyrinth, right? Your own mind.

And we can get through this it's just one day at a time and just keep reinforcing it's not going to be easy and this is just basic you know quotes oh it's not gonna be easy well yeah nothing life is easy you don't wake up and you're a millionaire unless you're born into it but you know just listening and and actually telling them there's nothing wrong with them because there really is nothing wrong with them you know they just and a lot of people are, and you can say, hey, you're addicted to alcohol. As therapists, maybe man up and say,

hey, I'm addicted to whatever, different things, painting or whatever, and it makes me feel good. So try to find an outlet of maybe lifting or basic computer games or computers are huge addictions. Just something that's a little outlet that's different and try to reinforce everyone has problems. That's the problem. Don't make them feel alone.

Everyone is an addict in some way, formal way. So what about somebody who, you know, without jumping to conclusions or anything like that, but somebody who you know, they definitely have a drinking problem, but they don't even want to acknowledge it. What? It's like me looking at my dad right now. Yeah, so, I mean, you live through it. I mean, advice for somebody that's, like, they want to help, but that person, they maybe... They're very caught in their disease.

They're very caught up in their stuff. Yeah, they don't really want the help yet, but you know, like, it's going down the dark path. Like, it's going to end bad. You're going to turn from an Anakin into a Darth Vader real soon. They're just not ready yet, right that's it man right mark i i can't i can give mark a million dollars hey man help me with my recovery dude i can't go inside your thoughts and control you and do this the first step is admitting you're powerless against alcohol you're powerless

against that drug you know the truth will set you free right so once they admit it, they're ready. It took my dad two years, two fucking years. Cracked skull, finding him in the bushes, almost losing my mom to say I'm ready. So that's a problem with addiction. It's so tough. Everyone's at a different race. And it depends on the age of that person. Do they have a family?

Are they 18? Because when you're 18 and we're talking 20, you think you have the world by the balls. You don't want to hear shit from anyone. I got this. You're not living my life. So it all depends on their age. But be there for them. Don't keep reinforcement.

Hey, dude, you're an alcoholic. You're drinking too much. Just maybe be like, hey, man, like, you know, the other night was a little too crazy. Maybe and try to keep them away of sober. They try to keep them in sober activities. You know, you're not going to take them to a restaurant or a bar that's just that's just craziness you know there's no point especially in someone's recovery basic different things try new things and keep them busy be there with them in their recovery because hey when you're helping out an addict

and you're helping out yourself right that's the best feeling in the world is helping yourself and making someone else feel better maybe even having somebody in mind that could help. So you could say, Hey, like, you know, the last couple of weeks you've been really, and it's just, I've been noticing a trend with you and over the last few years even, and I want to address it with you because I care about you. And you say, like, rather than just saying like, you should get help. Maybe you already have someone in mind. Hey, you know, my friend, you know, he, he really mind hey you know my friend you know he he really struggled you know if you need someone to talk to like i'm in your corner i'm on your side you know that that's what we did with my brother chris is uh once we realized what a problem it was

then i was like oh well plenty of people around have beaten alcohol before so let's just find some people that have beaten it before and i'll ask them hey you mind talking to my brother and they they jumped on the you know they they jumped on that right away yes i will talk to him i'd love to talk to him so no hesitation at all so maybe have a little you know tiny bit of a game plan if possible that's perfect march is hitting on the head surround what did i say before surround yourself with that positive people hey the first few months of recovery you think you want to be around those people fuck no but over time you're going to realize wow this is the right group this is what's going to keep me sober i don't want to be at the bar right you're at the bar they make a funny comment and hey you walk out of the bar and so

you're sober for 20 years you come back and they're like oh the same people 20 years are sitting on that bar stool oh frank where'd you go what do you mean where i go i was in the bathroom the whole time man how you doing you know it's do you mean where'd I go? I was in the bathroom the whole time, man. How you doing? You know, it's like you don't want, you're at the bar with these people that don't give a shit about you, man, because they have their own issues. They're drinking because they have their own internal issues. So they don't care.

You know, they might say they care, but do they really, really deep down care? You call any, I'm friends with now over 100 cops. I can call any of these cops, anyone in an AA and say, dude, this is my problem. I need to meet up. Second, they're there you know and that's what the program is all about is being there for each other and you can't force someone to get help that's the hardest part they're going to want to have to accept it and get help themselves but by and every everyone always talks about when they're in early recovery i'm sitting at this meeting i'm listening to this bullshit you know but it's that subconscious reinforcement you know just my brain, hitting my brain,

hitting my brain and getting there. Getting to that point where oh wow, this shit works. It's really crazy. It really is. If you look at it, everyone has their own problems. Just by not drinking a drug and how life really could work and meeting, not just not picking up a drink, but meeting some great

people in your life, some great opportunities. If I wasn't sober, I wouldn't be sitting next to you, Mark. You know? Yeah. You don't want to care about a kid who, who is 180 pounds and drinking and whatever. Who cares? You know, weightlifting, everyone wants to be a powerlifter. Everyone wants to, what did Ronnie say?

Everyone want to live a- A bodybuilder. Everyone want to bodybuild, but no one want to live that want to live a bodybuilder yeah i want everybody body building me as well yeah something like that right yeah exactly so it's like you know you talk on all this shit on instagram right and people are probably gonna say oh this kid don't know he's talking about it's like all right like i lived it so i just want to make sure no one kills themselves uh you're not alone in recovery you are able to get through this because I did. And the scary part is that it can reappear anytime. But I'm,

I know now I'm subconsciously. I know I don't have the alcohol and the drugs in my body. I know I'm aware of it. And that's what it's always being aware about it. You know, let me ask you this because I think also that question from Andrew, you know, how do you address this person?

What if this individual is like their close group knit of people are also that's that's their thing too it's a bunch of people that drink and like like how like because you said you had your drinking buddies but how did you extract yourself from those buddies and those people that you call friends because a big part of alcohol and the reason why it's so damn dangerous is because it's so socially acceptable it's like so normal to be blacked out drunk. About the money. It's cool. Look at Barstool Sports.

That's all it is. And all these young kids think it's awesome. Let me get on Barstool. All right. There you go. That's your job. Look you up Barstool and see. You want to hire someone that does that, right?

Just think a little bit. That's the problem, right? You got to man up, accept it, and get new friends. Because you're not going anywhere. What did Louis Simmons say? You run with the lame, get a limp, right? Yeah. So why would you, you know, you got to accept it.

Because I'll tell you, I promise you, there's better friends down the road. My support group is so great and they're very acceptable. And I'm lucky that I do have my drinking buddies. I still have friends with them. But I don't really hit them up to hang out because I know what it could lead to. I don't want to put myself in that situation, right? Making the smart choice, the conscious decision. It's very hard not to be judgmental towards those people, too.

When you start eating better and you start not drinking, you start to come to a realization of, wow, everything's so centered around this like uh just massive overeating of food massive consumption when i went to the 49er game you know i went i went on the train on the way up there and just everyone's got and i understand everyone's having they're trying to have a good time but this is a ritual for these people they do it every weekend and they have their own cart and they got their and it's like man i just, I've luckily I've never fell into that. I've never, I've never been that way. But to me, when I see that, I'm just like, and I do empathize with people that are addicted to alcohol, but in general, I'm thinking what a bunch of fucking losers, like what a giant

waste of fucking time. And that's how I think now, remember I said how much time you're wasting, right? Look at Bill's mafiaia jumping through tables. Like, what the fuck is this for? Like, I love football, but I don't need to go to the fucking game if I don't want, if I don't care. You know, I don't. And then you bring your children.

I don't have to go to the game. I'm going to the game because it's going to be fun, but I don't have to drink and act irresponsible and eat like a pig to go have fun watching it. And now I live both lives as someone who used to do that. And now I'm 10 times happier knowing i'm not going to wake up on a hangover knowing hey am i getting what if you bump into the wrong person get into a fight you put yourself in a bad predicament right and you're sober you can man up and walk away from stupid situations right and just you look at life so different you know it's just such a blessing

it's so you know you feel good talking about it now everything's super positive right now everything's super happy right yeah and it's like that's the thing in It's crazy. It's really right in front of you. It's like, open the book. There's the answer. But you have to do it, do the work. Like, you know, sobriety is, everyone has a chance to being sober. And it's why your higher power, God put us here, right?

To think clearly, to think, to not be tempted, you know? To think clearly and try to fight. You know, everyone has demons and it's just great. It's a superhero feeling in Right. You know? To think clearly and try to fight. You know, everyone has demons. And it's just great. It's a superhero feeling in itself. You know? Makes it ten times stronger. Ten times think better. All these people.

You know, you think Bill Gates was, maybe he was drinking a, you know, I don't think he was blacking out every night fucking making Microsoft. The Rock drinks his tequila here and there. But he's not an alcoholic. He can control it. But, you know, The Rock probably, he's depressed, right? Out of Miami. Not knowing what the fuck he's he's not an alcoholic he can control it but you know the rock probably he could probably he's depressed right out of miami not knowing what the fuck he's gonna do you don't think the rock was in a dark time so if anyone listening thinks they're in a dark time think of

the rock think of these people that got through it you know i'm not saying you're gonna be the rock but you can be someone that you want to be you know it happens to a lot more people than you think and that's what people need to understand. It could be happening to your neighbor, your wife, and you don't even know. Kids. And that's huge, man. You can do the best job you can raising them, and you can be there for as much stuff as you can be,

but if they get an outside influence or they have their own idea that they want to try some drugs or alcohol, you don't know. Addiction's a skill. It's a craft. You learn how to lie. You learn how to cheat. You learn how to manipulate.

So like you were talking about, what's her name? Christy? She was learning all that through her addiction. So now she had to unlearn that, right? What is it? Learn what you've unlearned to learn again. And that's what someone in recovery has to go through. So not only do they have to not stop drinking and drugging,

they have to learn how to live a proper life the way they want to and to kind of just learn that movement againging. They have to learn how to live a proper life the way they want to. And, and to kind of just learn that movement again, you know, and learn how to be with the rest of society, I guess. And,

you know, try to be as best as living as possible and not that person, you know, there's a statistic out there. I think it's right, but about 50% of us drink socially out of that 50 10 are alcoholics so there are people out there that can you know but what is an alcoholic to me it means it's not about what you drink it's not about how much you drink it's about what happens when you

drink does it affect your relationship does it make you feel like a piece of shit does it affect your job are you losing people in your life are you losing jobs because of this yeah you you have a problem now let's fix it you know that's what an alcoholic is to me right i didn't drink every day i couldn't get to those football teams or do what i want to do if i drank every day but when i drank i drank and it affected me for a few days i felt very negative about myself very shameful very guilt and that's what it is you know and it's it's it's a cunning pathling powerful disease and if it doesn't if you don't hold on to it it'll get a grip and that's it it's a fast ride man and you don't even know in a blink of an eye where can people uh follow along your story a little bit more and uh how can they continue to find out about this uh gym oh uh reps underscore four

underscore responders reps for responders. I just, you know, first time I'm coming out about this. It's a nonprofit, so I'm going to start a GoFundMe very soon. And anyone's welcome. If you're a cop or a firefighter in California, in Florida, come check out the gym, you know. And I tell people, you know, I put a lot of money into this for myself to buy the equipment to start the nonprofit. So the money I'm raising is really just for rent, just for new equipment. You know, my home is your home.

You want to come in, let's get after it. And the gym already exists. I have the equipment in my garage. We just looked at a place right before I left Friday. Oh, cool. So we're going through the paperwork. So it should be open by the middle of February, end of February.

So it's like all the donations, like I'm not making any, I'm not looking to make a profit. I'm looking to save a life and go forward, you know? So all the donations help. So Reptile Responders is the first time I'm coming out with my story, you know? And I feel great, you know? It's like me go forward you know so all the donations help so retro responders is the first time i'm coming out with my story you know and i feel great you know it's like me meeting you know one of my my true lifetime heroes next to me you know when little does he know he helped

me with my recovery like to fuck your elbow i'm sitting in a cycle and i'm like you know what would mark bell mark bell do what would these guys do the rock brian saw eddie hall these guys you know you look up to the fake people captain america right look at the avengers thor fat thor he went through a depression and he drank you know yeah it happens to everyone man fuck you got the american went the other route he took steroids yeah yeah and be careful with that because that'll wrap you up too and and it certainly can i'm you know i can't you know and i never want and you know i thought about it but i know i never did you know who met maybe when i'm 50 come on bro you can have a little bit.

Maybe when I... Yeah, this guy, he's a dealer in North Sacramento. That's right. It's like I hear these stories all the time. Little D-ball never killed it. I hear these stories all the time. It's like, all right, test, N-of-R, whatever. All right, I just did 500 for eight on the deadlift.

Holy fuck. A month later, two months later, fuck, 500 for five. What the fuck happened? Now it's like, whoa, I need to take another cycle. One more cycle. One more drink.

Now I hit 500 for 10 and it becomes a fucking wheel, man. Yeah. And it's the same thing with alcohol and it's a drug. You're not going to know what you're getting yourself into.

The best in the world, Arnold and all of them, they had a good, what were we talking about? A support team, right? They had a good team and they didn't abuse it they didn't abuse it if they abused it they would have died there's a lot of good bodybuilders and people out there that abuse it and their heart literally exploded right and who knows if they're drinking on it too right but it's you know being careful knowing what you're putting in your body because it has effect knowing who you're around your support team and it's just a day at a

time of building a nice realm that who you can trust and as you get older you you know people you can trust and can't trust and now i'm 27 and that was a problem i cared what people thought right i cared when i first got the nypd i cared when i got to rockland county i cared the football team now you drop a comment say frank go fuck yourself i don't like this podcast all right like you know that's just what recovery taught me i don't have to worry about other people i don't have to drink to go on a date because i'm nervous wait till you're 40 it's great you really don't care that's right here man the only yeah like my dad's sitting over there he could give two fucks yeah he don't give a shit he'll chuck us a moon and walk out you know what i mean yeah so yeah it's just a blessing to

even be here and getting some cool questions from a therapist to help people you know and i'll have my email up on the page and you want to come in and talk and you know i want this to be a rep for responders i want this to be something special that people can have a community where's jim going to be rockin county okay cool right so uh i'll have that all you know more you know and i'll write out a little bit more my story because i kind of came out with my story not a lot of people know uh they know i got depressed but they don't know what i went through and kind of you know a year ago that look what happened look what happens in a year you can buy a new car you can get your girl back you can get into uh get your dad in the fucking rehab you can meet with your famous you know person that you

looked up to right um you and west side right in the, 2020, it's not even over. I'm like, fuck, man, I'm great. I'm doing good. Yeah, how you doing, right? So it's like, and now I'm in my job and I'm in the strongman. I just did my first strongman show in December. Then I just did my second strongman show three days ago.

So I'm hurting a little bit, but now you can see, right? I'm addicted. I love competing. That's my addictive personality. I'd rather be addicted to strongman. Fucking, I'd rather have physical pain, fucking blow knee out, whatever, than be drinking for wherever. That emotional scar, man, that shit's on you to heal.

When you're physically, you got good doctors, you can heal it. You can work with a team. But emotionally, you got to have that right therapist. Every therapist and client, they might not be right. Feel it out. Go to a few different ones. See what you connect with. There's so many fitness people in the world.

I just tell Mark, it's straightforward. He don't bullshit. He's open about his life. And, you know, his brother had a huge impact on him and his other brother. And I kind of like, all right, you know, and I looked up to these guys. Like, you know, I'm 45 minutes away from Rockland County. These guys can do it. They're going to kind of see issues I went to, right?

You know? And that's kind of what, you know, I'm very, again, very happy to be here. I'm kind of going on a tangent there, but you don't really know. Oh, you broke a record today for most amount of water. Oh, dude, I got to piss like a racehorse. But I wanted to say something real quick.

I'm thinking like just to help people with anxiety, like, because there's a lot of people with social anxiety, right? And they think I'm a fucked up person or I'm a quiet person. You get picked on in school, right? If you're a bully, you're an asshole.

Cause you have, Oh, you know, I'm not big enough. You know, even internal problems, right? Get that fixed.

You know, bullying should be done with man. It's 2020, right? Talk about it. If you have, let's say basic anxiety, right?

Like, Hey Mark, you're my teacher. I'm in high school and I got to do a fucking, um, I got to do a presentation in front of the class. 15 minutes. I'm fucking shaking. I'm like, Oh shit. Take my teacher. I'm in high school and I got to do a fucking, I got to do a presentation in front of the class. 15 minutes.

I'm fucking shaking. I'm like, oh shit. Take the teacher, you know, this is for younger people. A little advice. Take the teacher outside, man up, you know, take accountability and say, hey, Mr. Bell, I got some social anxiety when I, you know, present. Hey, you think it's cool if I just do five minutes today and then five minutes tomorrow? Most teachers are there to help people. They're going to say all right frank yeah get no you know

all right you know maybe you do that first five minutes and you do the first 15 minutes the whole time you feel comfortable you know but break it down into little steps it's little steps you can't go one at a time and it's gonna you're gonna relapse you're gonna go into it you know so there's little ideas just to try to make yourself better you don't like talking in class you know raise your hand and all right right, not that bad. I'm alive. I'm breathing, right? I'm shaking a little bit.

But now you're shaking a little bit. You're getting stronger. You're getting your body adapted to that, right? Fight or flight, like, all right. So it's the same thing, making that arrest out there. I don't know how to do this arrest. We'll make it, make the paperwork.

And the cops usually will help you. It's not like in the 80s and the 90s where they didn't talk the fuck at anyone. All right, rookie, here you go. Huge book. And you're looking through this book and not knowing what to do. Three hours go by,

the guy's sitting in the cell and no paperwork is done oh shit then you got pressure you know so it's just little steps to try to get yourself better out every day you know stretching before there's so many different things changing your eating habits just one meal at a time the worst is when people like i'm gonna start keto all right have you ever ate clean no but i'm gonna do keto for like a month all right you'll do keto for a month and then you gain that weight back in two three months months. It's like, what? Just start eating clean one meal at a time. Build that base, right?

The tree is strong at the base, and it builds up, right? Build that base from the bottom. Get some beautiful branches, some leaves. I don't know where I got that from, but it just felt like in the moment. But you know what I mean? It's just look at life like that way, one day at a time, one step at a time. I just keep saying that to myself, and it helps. Awesome, man.

Great having you on the show today. Andrew, where can people find you? You guys can hit me up on Instagram at I am Andrew Z. Make sure you're following the podcast at Mark Bell's Power Project podcast. That's on Instagram, on Twitter at MB Power Project, facebook.com slash Mark Bell's Power Project. And for sure, make sure you subscribe and rate and review on iTunes. And then before I forget, this episode was brought to you

by Perfect Keto. They just came out with a new birthday cake bar. Some crazy deals on that. One box is 10% off, two boxes 20, three boxes 30. If you guys don't want to try out the new birthday cake bar. It's really good. You tried it? We have it in the break room. I saw it and I

didn't dive in. But anyway, use promo code PowerProject. It's not your birthday. Yeah, what's that all about? I'll have a birthday bar every day until my birthday. Code PowerProject10 for $10 off of $40 at PerfectKeto.com slash PowerProject. And if you spend $100 or more, use promo code PowerProjectBundle for $25 off your order. Trent and Seema over there eating birthday cakes.

Where are you at? At SeemaYinYang on Instagram and YouTube. At SeemaYinYang on TikTok and Twitter. Mark? At Mark Smelly Bell. Kind of all over the place. And thanks for following along with World Carnivore Month. Today's day number 21.

So that means you made it through three weeks. We got 10 more days to go. Strength is never weakness. Weakness is never strength. Catch y'all later.