Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Back 2 Basics

Episode Date: October 3, 2019

All we can do is reformulate and rebuild. Shout out to the loyal D.A.W.G.Z. Cold shoulder to the haterz. 

We're back in the motherfucking house, dude. Oh, boy. Back to fucking basics, baby. Oh, boy. What's going on, man? Chilling, man. God damn. It's good to be back.

So sick when you're at the top of your fucking game and you take it back to the fundamentals. Yeah, bro. It's unbelievable, the humility going on right now. The humility. It's basically like, you know, they call it King James, dude, the dead king, the quiet king. It's pretty much us, dude. We're on the Lakers now.

It's no big deal. I watched so much fucking sports shit this weekend. Really? Yeah, the in-laws were over. Oh, shit. Her brother watches SportsCenter around the fucking clock. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Steven Smith.

What do you think is going on? What's going on with sports right now? King James, dude. He's going to LA. How do you feel about that? He's been there. What? He was there last year.

Was he? Yeah. He's there again. He's back. He's still there. He's signed back on. They got Anthony he? Yeah. He's there again. He's back. He's still there. He's signed back on. They got Anthony Davis, though. That's a big deal?

Big deal. Shit. What do you think about AD this year? He's all right. How many points a game? Oh, probably like 24. That's actually, yeah. What do you think about the dude who fucking targeted on the Raiders?

Oh, Vontaze. Vontaze. Perfect. He's problematic, dude. He is problematic. How do you feel about it? Honestly, I thought it was a good hit. You like that hit?

Well, dude, the guy's coming across the fucking middle. He hits a knee and it's like, well, he should have just touched him. It's like, yeah, he hits like, Perfect hits like a truck, dude. I mean, you know Lewis, obviously. He's Coach Lewis. Yeah. Is it Ray Lewis' coach or just Lewis? Lewis.

Just Coach Lewis? It's definitely not Ray Lewis. I mean, that Coach Lewis keeps standing up for him? Lewis. Just Coach Lewis? It's definitely not Ray Lewis. I mean, that Coach Lewis keeps standing up for him, dude. You like that? Yeah. No, that's Coach Gruden. Coach Gruden? He's with the Raiders.

Yeah. Okay. John Gruden. Nice. Yeah, bro. Yeah, I caught up on a lot of sports. It sounds like it. It was fucking sick.

Perfect's a fucking monster. Yeah. If you look back at his hits, though. So they're trying to say he's not good at football. They're trying to be like he's a mediocre player. Oh, well, yeah. I think he's an average player. But he hits.

But he hits. He targets a lot. He is a dirty player. Is he really? He's a, yes. I think as a human being, as a father, not as an NFL player, you should stand up. What do you mean? I heard the dude said that. Who should stand up? The guy was mean? I heard the dude said that.

Who should stand up? The guy was like, they're all doing their takes. Dude, watching sports takes is the funniest fucking shit. It's like, well, you know, look, man, that's a dirty hit. And I'm saying people are like, you know, the league should step up. And then some guy's like, I'm going to say this. As humans, we've got to step up against this violence in this game. As a father trying to get back to

your kids you got to say something everyone's like good point dude it is dude i i can't imagine watching sports and then sitting around all day to hear people talk about sports after watching it's insane i'm not trying to burst anyone's bubble no i i understand it's i watch it just like what i used to watch College Game Day every Saturday. I'd be so excited for college football to start. I would watch College Game Day. It just sucks now. I can't even explain how commercialized it is.

It went from a good show to now. They're just like, what do you think down there? And they cut to some lady with a football in the crowd. this is how he throws the football with his fingers like this what do you guys think of that and it's like guys with like pizza hut signs behind her like yeah it's like it's fucking insane yeah i was uh and then like here's a story about kids with cancer when they do that for 10 minutes oh man that was sad all right back to this yeah it's weird i noticed they i was watching the uh the bears with my kinfolk dude they're from chicago so we're watching obviously we're watching the bears game yeah and they start uh you know out of nowhere the nfl will just slip into this like

talk about racism in between the plays they'll be like and uh this day of this year dude there's a they kicked out a black punter so oh here he goes he's snapping the ball and what the fuck is going on they do that uh there was this there's this college football 150 it's the 150th year and like the first episode they're like hey here's these hard-nosed coaches all this second half of the episodes like and then they were mean to black people it's like fuck dude i know we know yeah that's an odd arena well apparently didn't the uh nfl just hired jay-z as their like liaison i'm not sure what he someone told me that i think he bought i think he went part owner on a team i think he wanted wanted to be, and they were like, how about you... Yeah, how about you help us out a little?

How about you just fucking take some pictures? Because we weren't the nicest guys in the beginning. And we're trying to be really cool now. We're being super cool. Yeah, so he might have part ownership of the team. I don't know. But someone was telling me that he struck a deal with the NFL to basically be their... Ooh, excuse me.

Playing little footsies. They struck a deal to be their like consultant basically race relations consultant hoven he caught flack people were like he fucking sell out motherfucker i do remember that yeah yeah i thought he i could have sworn he was just going part owners on a team but yeah that's an interesting also might have been the deal they might have been like all right we'll let you in but yeah you got to do like cool oh you have to win the hearts and mind of all the black people in the world how much are they just butt fucking rap just dude it's like uh the monday night game was steelers bangles and then they're like in halftime presented by uh genesis uh snoop dog's gonna rap and it was just a Snoop rap about like being number one in football

just the corniest shit possible I mean like just commercializing rap like that just well you do it this is a room what the fuck was the point of rap this is a room full of like

you know six year old white dudes be like what's that shit they listen to put some of that in there who's that that's who any old white dude thinks of a rapper

like tell that old tell that Snoop Dogg to get in there and say some of those raps that'll win him over that'll that'll shut him up shut him about the whole kaepernick thing god damn it yo that fucked him up man because there's so many people who wouldn't do the halftime show i mean i don't think they were the 2026 it's garth brooks again the 2026 halftime show it is garth brooks again yeah garth was probably sitting back like yes yes i'm gonna make millions right now oh you thought you had it all a lot garth dude again anytime there's controversy like this go back to who's. I think Garth got in Kaepernick's ear. I think Garth Brooks got in Kaepernick's ear and was like, I haven't played a halftime in a while.

You think he released a song specifically to stoke the ire of black football players? Maybe. You better salute the flag. I don't want to hear the bullshit. Like, man, fuck this shit. Dropped a knee. He was like, yes, it is all working perfectly that's so fucking funny that they did that during the bears game just on this date because every game

they have like trivia yeah that's literally and this on this date in 1937 the first black like yeah yeah it's like the first black player which white guy attacked him viciously was it howie mandel was it john madden it's like d all of the above oh god damn bro god damn damn dude i just watched an hour-long special on teriology i brought this up before but i was ignorant about it what's that teriology terence harrod quit acting now he's going to be a full-time physicist oh good yeah he's off some smollett fucked up empire this is motherfucking bullshit so now terence harrod has no other choice than to revolutionize the way we understand mathematics he went to like it was was either Oxford or Cambridge.

I don't know. It might be the same place. Oxford, Cambridge. Is that the same thing? It was Oxford. He went to an English, like Ivy League school. Yeah.

And he did like a keynote address full of a bunch of college students on his view of mathematics and his view of... On Terrence Howard's view of mathematics. Teriology, bro. He has it copyrighted. The Teresian view of the universe. What is it?

One times one equals two. it's all based off the fact that like he's trying to unite physics and mathematics and he was like the fact that uh mathematical theory doesn't link up with physics so basically if he was like one times one people say it equals one and he's like yeah but that doesn't make sense because if it was one pound versus one pound yeah that's four quarters basically you know he's talking in england so one dollar times one dollar but he's like if you have four quarters times four quarters then you get and he said some number like four bucks or some shit yeah so he was like and that's how they use math to hold you down basically so it's like and dude i i've had a one i've had several one dollar savings accounts and that does explain why they don't compound that

well they're using this fucking bullshit euclidean nonsense dude yeah i'm gonna fuck me out of my percentage over to the teresian i'm gonna go to a bank like do you guys follow the teresian view where i can just be like it's a dollar but technically i want to multiply this four quarters have you seen hustle and blow the mathematician that starred in that dude he's been studying for 40 years what he bust out the sacred flower of uh god it was like not it's like this ancient it's like sacred geometry shit where he was like the the secrets of geometry are trapped in this depiction Leonardo da Vinci spent his whole life trying to do it. And Terrence Howard's like, yeah, well, he believed in straight lines.

That's where he fucked up. He was saying all movement is concentric circles. He's like, even when you're making a straight line, he's like, you're really curving. You just don't understand because we're trapped in a 2D visual. So he's trying to bring us all to a three-dimensional awareness and also show that one times one equals two. All right.

That's that. He was like, they're like, well, that's there. They're, they're saying it's like one, which is like one apple times one occurrence.

And he was just like, yeah, no, that's what they want you to believe. He's like, it's really one and one. Multiplication is just hyper, uh,

addition. There's like really just adding stuff. You're going to tell me one zero times zero and everyone's like, yeah. And he's like, yeah, right, dude. It's one. Fuck you. He's like, dude, his shit is fucking sick. He gave a speech at Cambridge.

Yeah, man. To a room full of people. Wow. And most people were just like, is this like a joke? You see a couple of times they went in on people's faces and people were like, what the fuck? But everyone has raised their hand and asked them acting questions. You could tell he's like, what the fuck? Because he had a whole bunch of visuals that he was going to put up.

And someone's like, what's Jussie Smollett like? Nah. Yeah, pretty much. People were like, one guy was like, my brother's trying to get in the music industry like will you listen to his mixtape and he literally asked him that question he was like you gotta break into the music and he like gave his whole fucking face he did talk about acting how he was like you lose a part of yourself all the time and then you freak out you don't even know who you are he's like but i always knew who i was he's like this is gonna sound a little weird

but he's like when i was in the womb first i'm like what the fuck he goes i was thinking about the sacred the flower of life and i remember saying to myself don't forget don't forget he's like this is probably a past life wow he's like i probably was studying this in a past life so he's like i remember sounds weird you guys might not believe me he's like i was conscious in the. And I already had this stuff all figured out. So he's very pro-life. He goes, by the time... So he's very pro-life. For sure, for sure.

He better be. He's like, they're thinking in there. Killing Einsteins and Pythagorems, dude. You can't be doing that. Yeah, basically every fetus is just like an interdimensional philosopher, mathematician. Damn, dude. How many babies that got aborted do you think were aborted babies in their past life? Well.

Just keep getting aborted. It's like, God damn. Don't forget. Oh, God damn it. God damn it. What was that flower? Fuck.

One times one. Fuck. Trying to revolutionize Luke. Keep getting fucking aborted. One plus one. Dude, yeah,

he's like. That'd be a good Groundhog's Day. The movie. Just constant abortion? Just a constant, you know... You'd have to have Terrence Howard do the voiceovers. Don't forget.

Don't forget. That'd be a sick Pixar. Yeah. About, like, the story of, like, an aborted fetus that, like, it's born into another life and just has to, like, revolutionize mathematics for everyone. That's fucked. But yeah, dude, Terrence Howard

on the fucking ball this morning. I watched it on the elliptical. Wow, man. He was... Wait, you hit the elliptical today? Oh, yeah. Early in the fucking morning.

I like it. Set up Terrence Howard on my phone, put my headphones in, just listen to this guy just buttfuck a room of Oxford. And one lady who started to argue with him,

but he's slippery as fuck. Yeah. He'll start hitting you with shit. First of all, he's gonna claim he was solving this shit in the womb, where you're like, wait, hold up, bro. We can't talk. Because he kept being like, I've been studying this shit for 45 years. And I'm like, how old is this guy? He's like, so I started seriously pursuing geometry

when I was four. It's like, alright, dude. Fucking liar. No way. Call him bullshit on the womb story. I think the womb story dude. Fucking liar. No way, dude. Calling bullshit on the womb story. I think the womb story might be a fib. I don't know. I have friends

who claim consciousness while they were like babies. One friend who was very high on cocaine who claimed to be a baby and like fully aware of what was going on while he was high on cocaine.

He was coked out of his mind and he started telling me the story of like when he was sitting in the playpen he was like who are all these people around me damn dude also freud did a lot of coke and he was real big into like early childhood memories and shit might be a side effect of coke i don't know i've been doing some coke and i don't think that happens you might not be doing enough i don't think i'm doing enough i gotta i gotta get into it you gotta get it. Yeah. You got to step it up.

Freud was probably just nothing but fish scales dude. Yeah. Back then you got you copped. That was straight from Poppy.

They were not stepping on that at all. That was straight from Pop. Yeah. Freud was probably train tracks dude

oh yeah fuck your mom you wanna fucking beat the shit out of your dad oh I would've fucked my mom it's pretty sick how much coke he did

I didn't even know Freud was hitting the blow hitting hard bro I know he's got that yayo dude Freud was hitting it hard it was party time

he his whole version of psychoanalysis was that like this was like the solution for everybody and one day everyone would be doing it and it was he was like basically like one this was like the solution for everybody and one day everyone would be doing it and it was he was like basically like psychoanalyze the world like it was

going to become a thing that like every single person did what coke no psychoanalysis probably yeah exactly pretty close he was close man people like psychoanalysis is sick but uh we like your stuff on cocaine better what was that yeah yeah it's funny to think wait so he thought everybody was going to psychoanalyze the world he was like this is what's going to raise us up out of our animal stupor yeah everyone's going to sit down because he's like you you have to pass through the meat grinder that is childhood and all the shit gets stuffed down in your brain he's like and then you can spend your adult years working through all this stuff. And he was like,

this is going to fix everybody. And he's like, we're going to make this accessible so everyone can get it. You're supposed to do it like three, four times a week. So that would have just been

like another chore where like you go to a psycho now. I mean, if everyone did this, probably would be pretty sick. Yeah. But again, that also sounds like

the scheme of someone coked out of their minds being like, yes, and everyone's like, the whole world's going to do it. Yeah. And then I'll be the guy that they go to yeah i'm gonna set up shops everywhere everybody has to do it i'm gonna have shops every fucking country everybody dude we're doing it

it must have been so funny to find coke heads back in like the when was he in the 1930s i'm gonna say freud for yeah uh i think he was a little before that, but yeah, around then. Indiana, yeah. He was like, dude, those dudes being jacked on coke must have been so fucking funny. Yeah, because didn't he do shell-shocked guys? Yeah, he did a lot of that. That was after World War I, so yeah. Okay, yeah. So those dudes would get high on coke with their boys and all be like, alas, alas, aha.

I know why I'm freaking out all the fucking time because i saw all those guys get blown up give me some more blow that must have been tight dude to hang out with coke heads and constantly but aha it gets it wears on you trust me ever heard any good coke business ideas yeah Yeah. Really? I hang out with Luis Gomez. Yeah. I hear Coke business ideas every day. Not that he's on Coke every day, but you know what I'm saying.

Come on. Come on. Of course. You're saying he has Coke head energy. Business-wise, yeah. It's pretty tight. Dude, he's all about his paper. He is, dude. He's all about his business.

He fucking is. He gets money. He does. Gomez gets money. Gomez is fucking hilarious dude yeah he doesn't he's one of the funnier people uh I think my past life I don't know I always go back to when I'm stressed I like this weekend I watched Ken Burns Civil War again always goes back to the Civil War I'm like this is great really always so when you get out, you seek solace in like Civil War stuff.

Just go to the Civil War and learn about it. Really? Yeah. It's funny. I told you before, my cousin got really into the Civil War. Yeah. I wonder what that is. I don't know.

Did you ever like, while you were watching this stuff, did you ever like fantasize about being like a general in the Civil War at all? Absolutely not. You have never done that? No. You never fantasized about battle or anything no okay i mean you think about what it might be like but no it would all it would always suck yeah so you weren't never a time when i'm watching the whole time i'm watching or doing anything with it i'm like there's not one moment of this that wouldn't have just

sucked ass so what do you think you're getting out of it when you go i don't know i think it's like any subject i study it's if i have a, that's why I liked history so much because I always knew it. So if I have a base understanding of something, I can study it pretty easily. Yeah. So like, yeah. Where'd you get your base understanding of history? My mom taught fifth grade when I was a kid. And every year they went to Gettysburg.

So you just... I would go on a field trip with her class every year to get his as a young young man Yeah, you remember this yes, so you were in like kindergarten to fifth grade every row on the battlefield Mm-hmm, and you're like don't forget. I was like never forget. This is the answer it's charge Was cool someday you're gonna be depressed and watch a documentary about Pickett's Charge. You'll never forget. Yeah, man. That's another thing. I don't think I'm depressed. I've been depressed.

Usually you don't know it while you're in it, but you can tell. Have you been depressed? Hit that? Like a hard one? Yeah. You don't really know you are until you're out of it totally yeah wears off i'm very cyclical with it but while you're in it it's like all right i think i'm in it i can feel it you know i'm more of a uh fright night i'm more of a like Dark Night of the Soul. What's that?

I'll get points where I'm mopey and I'm just like, where I get hit in the nighttime vortex. Really? I go to lay down, it's just like, and I'm like, oh God, oh God, oh God.

That's where I've been getting hit hard. Yeah. That vortex at night because I can't stop checking my fucking phone. Yeah, man. I have to. I might have to switch to a flip phone to be honest.

It's not a bad idea i really am considering that there's a strong correlation between my well-being and how much i'm looking at oh man my screen time i get screen time reports on my phone i'm up like three hours a week and i was just like fucking disgusted it's funny i keep checking it to be like oh maybe something good it's just always something horrible. Every day, it's just something horrible. Like, oh, hopefully a good thing will come out. What's this? 800 tweets?

All bad. All right. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe someone said something nice about me. That's literally the draw of social media, is being like, maybe someone said something nice about me. And you're like, oh, god damn it. Oh, no.

The New York Times said something bad about me. Yeah, man. Yeah, that fucks you up the social media stuff really well i mean it's about like before it bothered me a little i mean it bothered me a lot like when we started and when we started getting some traction on the podcast like if somebody said something on the reddit or something i'd be like what the fuck dude fuck that i used to address them i'd be like, what the fuck, dude? Fuck that. I used to address them. I'd be like, what the fuck's your problem? I have been responding. The hate DMs have slowed down enough that I've been able to respond to them now. That's how hard they were coming in? Yeah.

So now it's like I can respond and just be like, yo, chill, dude. And they're like, no. There was one that I was like, because his name was in his profile, and I was like, dude, fucking chill, Jake. Just relax. And he was like, no. And I was like because his name was in his profile and I was like dude fucking chill Jake just relax and he was like no

and I was like alright true just keep going dude it's gonna be so funny for him to be like what the fuck yeah to get a thing this one girl

when I posted that I would be at Helium the 24th to 26th of October I posted that on my story and she just responded with like a puke emoji and like a F you emoji and I just responded with a nice sad face emoji and like a fu emoji and i just

responded with a nice sad face come on babe come on baby dude the baby girls turned on me that's who got me i mean of course you know asian people were upset but i'll tell you who really came at me hot chicks yeah hot chicks love crushing racism and and fucking the meat industry and uh boy they really came at me. They came for you. They knew I was a meat-eating guy, too. A lot of the hit you was probably some real cutting remarks, too.

Who, the babes? Deep wit. They probably crushed you. The babes were getting me, dude. What were they hitting you with? Just, you know, fucking fat racists. You know.

Like, every single one. You should online date. I would, I mean, there's so many of the babes that DM'd me hate mail that we could have a future. Bro,

you should go on, now's the time to cash in on online dating, dude. No, no, no. If you want to make

this situation exponentially worse, start online dating right now. Here's a picture of him trying to fuck me. Oh, my God. Yeah, dude. You went on the chinders right now? Yeah, I've been terrified of DMs. Because when stuff like this happens, you're like, oh, my God.

Think of all the things I've ever said. Have you gotten any positive? Yeah, I've got a ton of positive. I'm sure you've got a ton of positive. I'm talking in the realm of babes. Have you had babes like, yo? Some babes. Some babes have come out and been like, you're hilarious. Fuck all this. This is a motherfucking bullshit. I love you. I'll sure you got a ton of positive. A ton of positive. I'm talking in the realm of babes. Have you had babes like, yo? Some babes. Some babes have come out and been like, you're hilarious.

Fuck all this. This is a motherfucking bullshit. I'm like, I love you. I'll marry you. Yeah, I love you so much. But, yeah, the positive DMs are nice. What was I saying right before that? I forget.

I don't know. Oh, no. When you start, like, when all this happens, you start thinking of everything you've ever done that's online. And it's like, oh, my God. If somebody just comes out with this fucking conversation I had, like some DM to some chick, it's like, oh, my God. You know what I mean?

I know exactly what you're talking about. Everything you've ever done, it's like, holy shit. Oh, like talking to like... Anybody. Yeah. DMs, some fucking dumb forum I was posting, like any of that. It's like, holy shit yeah but you know i mean they already got me true so they got you but again like you said dude you don't

have any you don't have you've never faced i never went blackface never said the n word so i mean that's kind of that's big that i mean that's the nuke. That is the nuke. It's funny. You're getting hate messages. I just go to a place twice a week where people physically hate me. Yeah, yeah. Like, literally, people just daggers, just looking like, meh. It's motherfucking bullshit, dude. Yeah, and it's tough. It's tough to tell if it's real or not.

Sometimes you can tell, obviously, that it's real. But sometimes it's like, is that in my head? Is that person looking at me? Are we still making eye contact? Because I kept it. Dude, well, so the first week I went back, I was like kind of paranoid. I'm like, probably nobody knows. And like people would catch me in the hallway and be like, yo, everybody's talking about it. I'm like, oh, fuck.

People look at me, start to smile and then stop. Oh, shit. What am I doing? And be like, and just walk off. Yeah. It's like, hey, geez. What's up, yeah man that's that's the realm of social workers though dude what dude i talked to like other professionals

in the realm of like they call the helping professionals a lot of people don't like social workers bro really the non-social workers i talked to were like oh social workers are the fucking worst what do they do uh holier than thou they go go in a room full, like, so it's like, if they're doing, like, a case presentation a lot of times, you'll go in, they'll be like,

the psychiatrist, the this and that, the family therapist. A lot of, they're like, this is, you know, this is one person telling me,

a couple people actually, being like, yeah, social, like, dude, you know, I go to school for social work, they're like, I don't want to say

anything to you, bro, but it kind of annoy, it kind of annoy everybody. Yeah. So come in and be like, actually don't want to say anything to you, bro, but it kind of annoys everybody. Yeah. So I'll come in and be like, actually... Dude, didn't you study poetry in graduate school? Get the fuck out of here. Uh-oh.

Uh-oh. We love poets here. I do. I was actually... I love poets. I was reading some... Fuck, what was this lady's name? She was this poet.

She ended up fucking gassing herself in her house and almost killing her two kids oh pretty stuff stuff dude yeah she gassed herself she wrote a bunch of poems towards the end of her life about being like you know physically trapped into motherhood and uh yeah and then she turned the gas and she tried to not be trapped and then she turned the gas she wrote poems about like her out of this her breasts like were constant and there's only two of them I read but like nothing but her breasts

withering and the moon was always like a fucking rock hard in the sky and it's completely indifferent. Pretty sad. She's a good poet. Yeah.

But she tried to murder her kids and a little murder suicide because in the article the person was kind of like critiquing her poetry. I was like shut the fuck up. Did she get fired? What that for i hope she got fired murder attempted murder suicide yeah no people are pretty pretty stoked on her dude dang it yeah dang it is right dude

dang it you could have murdered suicide and people have been like yeah so misunderstood happens he was so misunderstood dude Shit happens. He was so misunderstood. So Ms. Understood. Whose album was that? Pink. I'm pink, dude. You are pink. I get called pink. Pink's from Doylestown.

I get called pink all the time online. Yeah, dude. I'm Ms. Understood right now. You are Ms. Understood. You are too. We're both. I already had haters, dude. Now they have fuel, that's all.

Someone just handed my haters a stick of dynamite and was like, light it. Of course. Here you go. Of course. I think people in comedy were excited for me. Yeah, I know. Dude. Even my friends were like, oh, God.

If he gets SNL, this is going to be a nightmare. Why? Think you're just going to be fucking... A dickhead? Too cool for school? Yes. Damn. I was close to being a dickhead.

Damn, that's so fucking wild. Yeah. that's so fucking wild it's so fucking wild yeah baby is it's ancient history dude it is cast cast lumbers on dude the cast is it's it's already gone cast lumbers there's nothing we can do about it you jumped up smack the backboard dude what else are you gonna do nothing you jumped up snatched a quarter off you're basically a playground legend dude you're the goat you grabbed a quarter off the backboard and you're just like yo i'm going back to freebase cocaine fuck you guys dude oh yeah it reminds me of uh skip to my loo i think played in the nba played for like the bucks and they tried to do is skip to my loo move just call to travel right away they were like what the fuck are you doing that was my fucking industry career i was like yo i'm the fucking man in the streets watch this everybody they're like you're out of the game

you're off the team what are you doing dude i swear a lot of this rage is and again maybe i'm projecting i don't think i am is people dealing with their own obscurity in the age of social media when people have, they're in reach. It's like, it's never been closer to like gain exposure through the internet.

Yeah. And I think a lot of this is people's rage about, you know, kind of falling through the hourglass onto the other side. I think so. Is a lot of it,

a lot of the shit is people being like, yeah, fucking, hey, have fun with your 300 YouTube subscribers. of it's a lot of the shit is people being like yeah fucking hey have fun with your 300 youtube subscriber and it's like dude why are you taking it there bro yeah so it's kind of weird because i'm telling you we're falling the fuck apart dude i can say this though in that same world of like that i mean that's what the old casts were. A lot of them was me like drunk being like, I'm nobody respects me as a comic. Oh, fuck that person. Fuck you. Like, I understand it.

That's why I wasn't mad. The worst part. I have no excuses. I was just genuinely having fun. I was like, yeah, it was fun. Fuck that guy. Oh, yeah. It's so much fun.

Yeah. It was fun to get drunk and be like, they're fucking gay. It was fun. Dude, it's fun doing hood rat things with your friends. It is fun doing hood drunk and be like, they're fucking gay. It was fun. Dude, it's fun doing hood rat things with your friends. It is fun doing hood rat things with your friends. It is true. Sometimes you get busted for doing hood rat things. It happens, dude.

We got busted. I mean, pretty fucking. We got busted real hard. We basically wore a wire and sold drugs to ourselves. Oh, man. Yeah, it's like the Fucking Nixon tapes Didn't he ever had that Didn't he have like a

They had like a recorder At all times In the Oval Office Probably And then people released it And he was like what Shut it down Shut it down

Yeah we wore a wire We got ourselves For sure Big time How many haters Do we have like Any more haters That have been popping up

Or that kind of That went by the wayside How so What do you mean In terms of people like popping off uh talking motherfucking shit no not really nice some some comic went on stern said that i should have been fired whatever yeah nah i ain't worried about nothing yeah we don't even care dude don't i don't care i don't even care dude do you care we gotta get gerby i'm gonna get gerby's back on dude yeah i invited gerby he doesn't only wants to do the cast i think he's afraid of the cast i think he doesn't want to do the case it's a little too hot

for gerbs i think so now what's actually happening is he's sick oh really yeah yeah fuck that stuff yeah yeah it's not good he's okay he's be fine, but right now he's not feeling... I think his arthritis has flared up. Damn. That was funny. I was picturing him still trying to salvage... I thought he was trying to still salvage his show. Salvage tires?

Well, I got to say, there's a slight thing about one of the main characters. The main character is now off of the show. We're going to kill him off. It's no problem. They're going to kill him off. It's no problem. They're going to Roseanne me. I just got Roseanne. Is he going to pitch the O'Connors? They're going to Roseanne me.

Yes, dude. The O'Connors. The O'Connies, dude. Yeah, dude. Tyres is now without Roseanne. For sure. I got Roseanne. You were Roseanne, dude.

Dude, the cast of Roseanne. Have you seen that since she died on the show? Did they literally have a funeral? They literally had a fake Roseanne's character died. That's fucked. I think. I could be wrong. I think she OD'd on the show.

What? Yeah. And now all those actors are mourning her on the show and like, she was so great, blah, blah, blah. And then I think in real life they're like, fucking bitch is a piece of shit. It's like, whoa, dude. I didn't know they killed her off like that. Yeah, I killed her how is you catch any episodes of the okanis i never watched it i didn't give a fuck about the original one i like roseanne you do i pretty much like anything my girlfriend watches my girlfriend brittany loves roseanne really fucking loves

roseanne dude she's like roseanne is so when it She was like, Roseanne's coming back out. We have to watch it. I never really caught much of the OG Roseanne. Wow. You would have never thought in Chicago Roseanne was a big hit. Dude, great show. That strengthens Smollett's argument, though. What?

If there are small pockets in Chicago of people that love Roseanne. True. Maybe there were some guys that were like, hey, this is Trump country. I still believe Smollett's story. I do too I believe that two Nigerians Came and sat And tried to hate crime him Because they loved Trump so much

Because Trump obviously Distorted their minds Could be Yeah Or maybe Trump's Yeah nevermind What Maybe he's what

Yeah the You think they're gonna Kick him out Kick who out Trump They're just trying to Impeach him How's Phil taking

The impeachment He's not He's not too excited about it Really Yeah Phil's not excited See Trump cursed kick who out? Trump. They're just trying to impeach him. Oh. How's Phil taking the impeachment? He's not too excited about it. Really? Yeah. Phil's not excited about it. See Trump cursed in a tweet? What? All caps, bullshit.

Really? Basically being like, they don't have any, kind of like they don't have anything better to do. So the do nothing Dems are wasting their time with bullshit.

Wow. All caps, dude. Wow. That's just tough talk, dude. That's tough for sure. That's tough talk. That's the type of politician we need. Oh, dude.

Somebody who's willing to tweet bullshit. That's what's up. I like it. Me too, dude. Who do you think's going to fucking shut him up in the fucking race, dude? I mean, everyone's now putting pictures up of Nancy Pelosi. That's the funny thing, too. This is a group of people who are like,

I'm never going to be like my parents, and now they're sharing political memes. You might not get a chain email with a political meme, but you're now sharing political memes like your parents. You've been fully... You stood at bay back from the whole political thing. We're like, yeah, this is fucked up. And now you're literally your parents now.

Yeah, you support a political party. And you're literally with a bunch of other morons on a digital platform being like, oh, this is a meme of Nancy Pelosi burning down the White House. Oh, man. It's like, don't fuck with me, bitch. Everyone's like, oh, that's so fucking rad. I'm like, you guys are fucking losers, dude. Yeah. It's rough.

I mean, I still get, it's so funny, dude. I still, my dad will include me in his, him and his boys. Dude, him and his boys have sick forwards. Yeah, bro. There's like 9,000 arrows. Every single person. You can never, you got to scroll, like, like fucking for three minutes you gotta scroll and then it finally gets down to like a picture of trump that's like sorry that's it god damn it

you scrolled the whole way for like a gif from three years ago yeah man it makes me laugh so hard to watch people doing that shit oh i was watching i was watching i think a game when i was home and my dad was sitting in his recliner and he was like shane you gotta see this video you gotta see this and he pulled up piers morgan talking about the democrats or liberals yeah about how they're eating themselves he's like how they suck he held his phone from across the room and played it at the volume as loud as he could go on his phone it was like you gotta watch this i was like i'm not fucking watching that just kept watching tv

and he wouldn't put it down while he held it up held it up across the room a cell phone video across the living room just like you gotta watch this you're not gonna believe this pierce morgan i think he's with you shane like shut the fuck up shut the fuck up dad dad pierce morgan's not on my side I'm fucking woke Shut up Yeah Bill Maher stepped up dude Bill Maher's doing He's doing the right thing Dude I'm telling you

Bill Maher Just Encapsulated The message of the podcast For the last three years And everyone's like Woo I'm like wow dude

Must be nice Bill Maher Yeah must be nice Heavy fucking lifting Did all the heavy lifting That whole time Everyone's just Listening to the cast and juicing us like a fucking lemon dude

how about it tip of the spear type stuff how about the fact our fucking smoke signal rogues caught it spit it back something out back out to us sent us a little smoke signal dude yeah we're talking about how this this new liberalism is the new religion the new fucking

listen to what we say do what we do type thing. That's a little podcast sonar, dude. That is. We picked it up loud and clear, Mr. Rogan. Yeah, we got you, dude. Thank you so much, St. Rogies. We are fully available, dude. St. Rogies, please save us, dude.

Please, Rogies. Dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude. We are fully got your message. Loud and clear. And we do agree to come on as soon as possible we know what you're doing yeah we hear you we're like dolphins dude uh-huh uh-huh we don't think we can hear we get to underwater you can hear so long you ever fart in the pool oh it's one of my favorite things dude someone's on the other side of the pool you'd be like go underwater you can

fart across the pool it's so fucking funny damn summer's over otherwise i'd tell you boys who's listening to this go out there go out to your above ground pool you can cause a nice time to go underwater hit a fart i love how that is fun i love how they toppled you as soon as you get back to normal life like i love farting underwater yes they fucking brought you down they get daffied you dude what do you mean they get daffied you how so you rose to power and they fucking the clintons obviously called in we're like yo dude we found you we did a two minute google search and found something highly problematic take them down dude i stand by farting underwater it's for sure farting underwater if i would have gotten snl that would have been my first clip farting underwater farting underwater getting

two dudes in a hot tub both going underwater at the same time and farting. And then the audience doesn't know what they're laughing at. You keep popping up laughing. You keep going underwater farting. You do MTV Cribs and you'd be like, bring a waterproof camera, please. You'd swim in your pool. I'm like. Shit the pool.

Fuck, man. Oh, my God. Yeah, they got me. They got you, bro. How's the dust settling? shit the pool fuck man oh my god yeah they got me they got you bro so how's the dust settling how's the dust seem to settle right now the dust is settling

you know everybody moved on no one cares yeah no one cares that's what I'm saying until I get something and then if I get something again

they'll be like he also said this and then post something that's what I'm saying dude it's almost like they're pardon the expression dude they're like flies on shit when saying, dude. It's almost like they're, pardon the expression, dude, they're like flies on shit.

When there's a big thing, they're like, they'll be like, get out of this. And as soon as you're just back to biz, they're like, back to being a turd, dude, just a turd by himself again.

Yeah. Fuck, somebody said that at NBC. Somebody was like, there's a fucking turd in the punch bowl. And I was like, am I the turd? They're like, no, no, no, we didn't mean it like that. I was like, you just called me a turd. the punch bowl and I was like am I the turd they're like no no no

we didn't mean it like that I was like you just called me a turd wait who said that at NBC I forget somebody at NBC there's a turd

in the punch bowl in a meeting was like well there's definitely a fucking turd in the punch bowl and I was like am I the turd

excuse me pardon me am I a turd you shouldn't get bringing it back back to this turd what's the punch bowl and who's a turd? You shouldn't get bringing it back. Back to this turd. What's the punch bowl?

And who's the turd? Is the turd dissolving? Who's drinking the punch? They know there's a turd in the punch bowl. Dude, that's the funniest expression. Turd in the punch bowl. Cut to someone just throwing out the whole punch. Just like, fuck it, dude. We can't deal with it. We can't. The turd's gone. The turd ruined the punch. Oh, for sure. You got to get rid of the punch out the whole punch. Just like, fuck it, dude. We can't deal with the...

We can't. The turd's gone. The turd ruined the punch. Oh, for sure. You got to get rid of the punch and the turd. For sure. And they did. It dumped me out, dude.

I'm just a turd. Flushed your fucking ass, dude. A turd in a puddle of punch. They flushed you, dude. Strange situation. It's strange to be connected and still totally anonymous to a scandal where people are just kind of like... They'll call you and be like, what's going on with that? I'm like, I don't know.

I don't really know. Well, that's the thing. I don't know. I didn't know either. I know. They're like, what do you do? I'm like, I don't fucking know. I don't know what to do.

I think you just keep doing your thing. Yeah, man. I think you keep doing your thing. Look, if you listen to the podcast, i might not be at 100 right now we'll get back i'll get back a little gun shy dealing with a lot of gun shy on some that's you know and again i i uh i'm i'm split on this because there's like the show of force from the dogs when when all this shit uh when they were like locking it down or so many loyal sick dogs yeah then i'll see people start bitching like i haven't got anything i mean i'm all for supporting the patreon but if i don't

get something now and it's like there's people have shit going on their lives man yeah yeah go busy yourself we'll be back a lot yeah we back going on right now pull your five bucks dude we'll be back yeah that's the one that's the thing i don't like when people start being like it's like you know yeah i guess you know. Yeah. I guess, you know, that comes with it. What? It comes with the territory. True.

You're going to have some whiny guys out there. Sea babies, yeah. Like, fuck this. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, I'll say this. This is funny. This is a little flip-flop I've had. What?

Barstool. I came around on Portnoy. Of course. El Prez. Of course. No, the head of it. Yeah. Not all of them.

I've liked some of the guys that worked there for a while, course No the head of it Yeah you Not all of them I've liked some of the Some of the guys that worked there for a while But the fucking head of it I never You know I realized I was Being a hypocrite Like I've only seen clips of him And I've been like He's a fucking dickhead

Fuck him Dude I watched a bunch of his clips He's actually funny He's the man Watch him He's actually funny He took up for you big time He didn't

Oh really I don't think I'm thinking of two eyes Blind eyes Blind Mike Blind Mike Yes dude Blind Mike's the man He stood up He didn't look up for you big time. He didn't. Oh, really? I don't think. Oh, I'm thinking of two eyes, blind eyes, whatever. Blind Mike? Blind Mike. Yes, dude.

Blind Mike's the man. He stood up. But Portnoy, I've watched a couple of his things. He's actually pretty funny. That's what's up. He like, fuck, he was doing an interview with like Tucker Carlson. So fucking funny. TC?

Yeah, dude. TC was, TC loved it. I'm surprised TC didn't tackle the controversy. He probably did. It is funny, dude, how a news cycle will just storm through your life and just... And then it's completely like, all right, we got what we need. Let's go. We're on. Yeah.

That's fucking nuts. It is wild. It's wild. You get calls from... Dude, I was getting texts from Billy Bush. Getting phone calls from... Dude, they get your number right away. Somehow they have all of our phone numbers. You have when cnn just calls you really they all just call

you you should have called billy bush and been like i don't know this fucking scandal so crazy i feel like you just meet women and grab them by the pussy billy bush was funny he would be like um i could see that so why don't you say that in the mic right here? He's like, yeah, I could see that. Levels of notoriety giving you access to women to the point you could literally grab them by the pussy. I don't know. Yeah, man.

Then I went home and... Oh, yeah, this is the thing I was talking about last week. It was funny. The day I fucking... Last week when I went home and uh oh yeah this is the thing I was talking about last week uh that it was funny the day I fucking last week when I went home before we did this episode I was like nice I'll get some fucking I'll just chill it'd be nice to be home of course there were fleas in the house yeah fleas see there's fleas in the house which fucking blows and then uh cancer my sister got cancer damn that's what I went home to. That was like, you basically crawled out of New York.

Yeah, I was like, I gotta get the fuck out of this. Went home, faced cancer. I was like, I'm just watching Ken Burns' documentary on the Civil War. Relax.

I was like, oh yeah, your sister has cancer. It's like, alright, great. Damn. I'm fine.

Everything's good. Keep it moving. That's all you gotta do. That's all you gotta do, bro. Just keep it moving. You're strengthening your fucking samurai sword right now. Good for you, honestly. Yeah, man.

I mean, not like that, but I'm saying... No, I understand. You will emerge. Yeah. You'll definitely emerge strong, dude. I've been through some shit before. Because at this point, dude, what the fuck? You know what I mean?

What are people going to do? What are you going to tell me? What have they got over your head right now bro what are they gonna do nothing like bro i've been to the fucking top but i slid the dossier on myself because i was like fuck this shit but yeah about the thing with my sister uh obviously if you listen to this and know my family don't you know don't fucking call them or say anything just let it go chill chill chill chill the fuck out you'll see them eventually

but yeah you got a heavy load on the head yeah took her to the mall bought her some fucking sick ass pink Air Force 1's it was really sweet it was really a nice

fucking thing pink ribbon yeah no I got her Air Force 1's with a pink Nike check that's what's up she can wear them to fucking chemo

that's awesome nice man she gave me a fucking, I always made fun of people that wore these, the fucking like rubber bands. I have a pink rubber band on right now.

Well, that's a funny, yeah, I've always been like, I was like, I'm never going to wear this. And then she asked me to wear it so I was like, all right. For sure, dude.

Have to wear it. For sure. Yeah, I've always, it was funny because I always made fun of specifically white people for like, their main social stuff

seems to be around horrible diseases like going to a suicide walk you want to go and they'll do all that stuff yeah yeah yeah then like if you know someone who has that

you're obviously like yeah I'm definitely gonna go yeah I'll go to the goddamn walk go to the fucking suicide I gotta be honest with you though I'm probably not gonna go to a walk really? if my sister's like

I need you to run a 5k I'd be like nah I'd run the 5k you're gonna have to take be like, nah. I'd run the 5K. You're going to have to take this L. For real? I'd run the 5K. Of course.

I'm joking. Oh. I'd be sick, dude. I was saying that I would let my sister die of cancer before I ran a 5K. That's what I was joking about. Shane, be funny, all right? I'm trying. Be funny now.

It's hard to be funny right now. Life is hard. Life's harder than you think until it gets really hard and it's all because you said bad things i'm sorry it is funny though because uh it is interesting because you do kind of when you when you put out a ton of fucking just like negative shit it does come back it comes back it comes back to you so we were just building a little bomb slowly and then it just was like why did that go off uh yeah it comes back man comes back in full force sure i started the uh october first this is gonna happen though what this is mine was not the first i was so when So when I started comedy, it was when podcasts, if you were doing an open mic, you had a podcast

or and said fucking dumb shit. Yeah. The whole time. So there's going to be a whole generation of comics now that have hundreds and hundreds of hours of podcasts. Yeah. This is going to be a pretty regular thing of people being like, oh, fuck, you said that on that.

Oh, you said that on people are going to go back and start deleting their shit i think yeah that's the purge it's gonna be a great purge but for sure all these all these freaks out here downloading shit so it's like you can't get anything you can't really erase anything yeah it's in the chain it's in the fucking collective memory yeah man so there's a bunch of new people that have podcasts yeah you say shit you say outlandish shit to act out like you know it's like when you start an open mic yeah you're just your first couple stand-ups you're like oh fucking gay people and like just say you just say offensive things to try to get a react and this is it's kind of the same thing with a lot of pocket not that that's what we were doing trust me yeah ours was very nuanced true people are really missing the nuance on how fucking dude people don't think obviously

people think we're two fucking idiots obviously we're geniuses playing 40 fucking this is 40 chess and people don't understand but that you know i can't blame them for that yeah i i you know but i do think this will be this is one of the first this is a landmark case of people that are going to start getting butt fucked on podcasts oh for sure i mean it's not even just that politicians it's like oh yeah the facebook pictures and shit coming out yeah and it's like dude it's those young for a politician he's got blackface dude every young politician's gonna have some wild shit think about the kids now growing up during this who are going to like uh you know studying political science going to be politicians

they're probably just being like shit online they're probably just storing shit of each other it's just not they're probably people probably have dossiers of blackmail being built yeah if you're like a nasty little fucker and you're like 18 right now and you're in political science you want to be a politician you're like you you know you guys are all on that track probably doing nothing but grabbing pics of your boys and being like all right yep let's go but yeah that's uh i you know i think that'll definitely be a regular thing that it happens that people are going to start getting fucking and politics is yeah especially everybody that's young now that's going to eventually be a politician crawls and caught a hot one what do do? He was just like on his early,

he was just a radio dude basically. He was on a radio show and he was just like basically said like dog brain kind of. Calling chicks, there's like morons. Ladies have dog brains? Pretty much was being like girls.

Damn, I stole my bit from Tucker Carlson. He was basically like girls are dumb. He like said girls are dumb whores. He insinuated something like that. What a baller. Pretty much, dude. That's a sick move. He was like college radio.

Getting on the radio and being like, chicks are dumb whores, dude. Check, check. Dumb whores. But yeah, he said girls are dumb whores and he got in trouble. They brought it to him and he was like, oh, come on. That was so long ago. Whenever he gets pissed, he squints his eyes. Oh, come on.

They would have you believe? Yeah. That was like me at 30 Rock. I was like, oh, come on. Oh, get out of here. Warren, that was so long ago. They're like, that was less than a year ago. What?

That's crazy. Nine months? That's a whole fucking pregnancy. What? I wouldn't say that. I mean, you could if you wanted to. And this is the thing. You could go full bore and wrap yourself in this and be like,

they can never take away my rights of free speech, man. I don't want to hear that. I know, which is funny. But you could, I'm saying. That side's talking. That side's like, hey, come do our show. Stuff like that. Oh, yeah.

I don't want to be a free speech guy. Dude, you could have hit. Which, look, there are a ton of free speech dudes that's like, cool, man. Go do your thing. Whatever. Yeah. But I just don't want to be that. I like that.

I've always been for trying to figure. I mean, obviously, I'm Apollonian. I have an Apollonian temperament. Of course. I'm a world merger. Can't help that. I knew you were an Apollonian temperament. Of course. I'm a world merger. Can't help that. I knew you were a world Apollonian world merger. Can't fucking help that.

Yeah. So it's like, you know, maybe, just maybe, you'll figure out the third way. Which we kind of did, honestly. We swerved off the rails a couple times. We got fucking smashed. No, I'm saying... I don't think we merged the world at all. No, no, I'm saying... I don't think we merged the world at all. No, no, I'm saying...

We started a civil war. The secret cast, but... The secret cast was... We danced the fucking tango, dude. And a couple times, you grabbed my tits. Yeah, that's true. A couple times, we finaled each other. Yes.

And went off the rails a little bit. But if the cast fucking the cast now is they fucking beat us down dude the cast will reformulate dude and mutate like it's like a broken bone yep it's coming back stronger it's gonna heal you know what i mean i'm dude my whole thing too with you know i've had nine million my whole things for the podcast don't don't let it get in your head i'm not letting that shit dude for the podcast and i thought of this extensively we will rise we will rise again the podcast will be sweet no no no no the podcast to get into some south will rise again shit slow down no no no

we will rise again yeah the podcast will be sweet it'll be unassailable and it's like if and I think about this a lot if there's people who are like I need edge I need as much maximal edge

it's like hey man whatever I don't really give a fuck if we lost so much Patreon that I have to drive Lyft again

I'm fully prepared to do that you know what I'm saying like I like doing this and it's like people try to come at me with the money-wise, and it's just like, bro, I will go paint houses and drive for a lift, bro.

So I was like, we will write this fucking ship. We will be a national example, dude. The cast. The cast will be a national example. Yeah, I think so. Yeah, I have total faith in that. We will. I'm not.

Dude, this whole time I've been watching Succession. Just like, that's us. That's pretty much us. We're Roystar Waco,aco dude this is roy star right now i'm god damn sure kendall were butt fucking people on the cruise we gotta fix this i'm kendall dude you'd call me i think you're kendall okay sure okay sure um did you watch his last episode no fucking girlfriend dude he's going to sleep kendall raps dude. Kendall has a fucking sick rap. Stop. Don't do the long rap. Oh, I can't fucking wait, dude. I can't fucking wait. It's rough.

What, him rapping? His rapping. Yeah. You're going to like it. Here's my prediction for you watching the last episode of Succession. You are going to say, I shouldn't make this clear. I should have told someone else this. Will this be the very end?

You're going to tell me he's a good rapper. That's my prediction. You think I'll- You're going to tell me he's a good rapper. That's my prediction. You're going to thoroughly enjoy Kendall from Succession's rap. How do you figure? I'm just telling you that's what's going to happen. You think I don't know rap? No. No, I'm not saying that.

I'm saying you're going to like it. I probably will. That's what I'm saying. You like the show. You're going to like the rap. Yeah, I think I like it. Just let me know. Did you ever see the very beginning when he's uh when

he's driving in the very first episode he's driving into work and he's kind of like less into a rap song yeah yeah yeah so he just fucking he loves rap that's so fucking funny kendall's dude he's turning around he's becoming the man i've liked i've been with romulus romulus is a dirty little boy dude yeah you think they're gonna have another season i hope i hope the show goes on forever Yeah. You think they're going to have another season? I hope. I hope the show goes on forever. I love... Succession is great. I love Succession.

They have to have another season. They're doing really well. Okay, good. Yeah. Yeah, the show fucking rolls. Dude, October 1st marked the first day of the two-month microdose experiment. Oh, wow. Pretty fucking...

So now you guys are dosing. You've been dosing today? Started Ox first. All right, thanks. You know how they talk about set and setting? you've been dozing today started ox first alright bro you know how they talk about set and setting try rolling into your fucking

where everybody hates you bro on shrooms yeah it was not fun it was not fun

well you're microdosing you're experimenting yeah of course dude that's my medication you can't tell me otherwise yeah I like left. I was in there.

I was actually, I was chilling. And then like, I just like caught, I just started like feeling, I felt like a little off. You know, otherwise I'm chilling. And then I caught like, you can only describe it as like mushroom blur. Like when your eyes take like this weird tinge. And I was like, oh dude, what the fuck? No, not now.

No, no. I'm in a place where people fucking hate me pretty much. It's a good place to be tripping balls. Of course. I'm a microdose. But still, it was weird. It was definitely strange. So I'm like, let me get the fuck out.

I was like, I can't wait for break time. We had break time, and there's a creek near it. So I went and just pondered. I sat by the creek, and I was just staring down at this creek on break. If I went to your school, I'd hate you so much why why there's that kid who got trouble saying bad things on a podcast he's just pondering by the creek that guy sucks dude so i'm sitting there and uh i'm sure there's like little fish and shit i'm like oh cool little fish i come back from checking the creek out.

I'm like, all right, dude, I'm feeling fucking good. I need to get in the woods real quick and come back out. Dude, this dude's like, you all right? And I was like, yeah. Why? He's like, what are you doing over there? I'm like, I'm checking out the creek. He's like, man, I don't have time to even think about creeks.

I was like, and this is the thing I'm specifically working on. I'm exploring my unconscious like micro decisions that occur so usually some guy will be i don't even have time for creeks naturally i don't have time for creeks which is a ridiculous statement yeah yeah naturally naturally i just go like okay i guess i'm weird for sitting by a creek and i'll be like whatever and i'll start walking and then in literally a split second i was like what the fuck do you have against creeks and he was like no I'm just saying like I'm real busy right now I'm like okay so what the fuck's it have to do with creeks like what you know what I mean yeah so usually it'll just be like I guess I'm a fucking weirdo for

looking at creeks let's just go along with whatever the fuck this guy thinks about a particular situation you know it was just interesting for me so for me. So that's been my main focus of just busting out of unconscious patterns. And the whole thing is to integrate that into your day, the next day, and so on and so forth. Nice. So you're baiting, I've said it a hundred times. So you can confront motherfuckers about creeks.

Pretty much. Or just like, you know, you do little things unconsciously, you don't realize. You're just down by a creek. Down by the creek. I'm chilling, looking at the fish. And this is the whole point of it.

You saw some minnows in the creek and you're feeling good. Dude, literally, there's like four of them squiggling around. Nice. So it's like you have these unconscious patterns of behavior. Yeah. Everyone has them. And it's actually kind of a harrowing experience when you start confronting these things. Because it opens up a weird, you start inhabiting a weird world.

When you start reconstructing your weird things you just go to automatically it's pretty strange but uh but yeah we had a conversation about that and it was just stressed out about like going to school full-time he's like i just you know i have and it's just like okay well what the fuck's that have to do with me sitting in my goddamn creek dude to get my motherfucking shit back together get out of my face. I don't know why people got to be negative about shit like that. Yeah, I hear you, man. I hear you.

The mushroom thing, I think it brought me back to when I took mushrooms and listened to the Annihilation soundtrack. Yeah. That's the world I'm in now. That's just life now. I was just preparing. I didn't even know it. I was subconsciously just preparing.

Just be like, dude. In my subconscious, I knew there was a storm coming. I knew it. Now, would you say that helped you at all, having done that? Or was that just like a weird night you had? Did you get anything from that? Or was that just like a weird night? I don't know.

I was kind of fucking hammered, too. So it was kind of like, uh. But yeah, that's the world I'm inhabiting right now that's funny annihilation's just blasting i'm just in a hotel in canada like well it's funny because i went i went home i was so happy with the fact that like i started kind of i was bugging a little bit being like man this fucking feels weird in here people fucking hate me it was just like you know you can go off in a quick negative spiral just regardless when you're just there normally but the uh the drive home i passed like a crew of flaggers and construction workers dude i was just like

everyone is the best i'm like look at these guys out here like the flagging person was flagging me i'm like man you're so necessary for me to get to the other side of this road safely and i'm like i fucking love everybody. I went back to school today. I was like, man, I hate these motherfuckers. You're probably happy to leave school. That's why you were like, that guy's great. Basically.

It's good to be out of a space where people unanimously dislike you. And then there's people being weirdly nice to you. And they're just being nice and you know but it still feels weird and people are like hey man what's good it's like yeah come on dude just i feel weird to fucking enough yeah how you holding up i'm like oh that's that's been like the worst yeah people being like hey are you okay like i'm fine i'm fine everything's okay leave me be yeah my dad when i was today, I left home today to come here. Yeah.

And he was like, right before I left, he was like, how you doing? He's like, you don't look like you're on top of it like you were. I was like, yeah. He's like, you just seem angry. I was like, well, yeah. He's like, what do you think that means? He's like, yeah, I could see him be like, nice. Like, as soon as I was like, yeah, I'm fucking angry. He's like, good. What do you think that means? He's like, yeah, I could see him be like, nice. Like, as soon as I was like, yeah, I'm fucking angry.

He's like, good. What do you think that means? Like, if I was just sulking around and being sad, then you could be upset. Like, you see that I'm pissed. It's like, nice. So you stoke that you're pissed right now? He was like, yeah, go stick it up their asses. I was like, hell yeah. Fuck yeah, dude.

Hopped in the rolls. You drove down. You're like, you're going to have a nice? Yeah, you're going to have a nice day. Nice, safe podcast. After my dad told me to shove it up my enemy's ass. That's fucking sick. It's going to be a nice day.

Yeah. It reminded me of, I might have said it on the last podcast. There's a part in Grapes of Wrath where all the dudes in this town in Oklahoma, they're gathering and sitting in a circle. All the men of the town go sit and talk. And they all just got bought off their lands by the banks. There's the Dust Bowl. They're all fucked. And then he describes the women standing in the doorways

watching the men and judging their faces. And women can tell whether or not their men are broken and they're like and then if the man came back angry or like motivated some the women were like happy but if he came back like they could see if they were broken like the men the women stood in the doorway checking to see if the men were broken yeah if they bitched up that ain't me nah bro ain't about a motherfucking my fucking hoes were standing in the doorway like, is he sad? I was like, no, I'm pissed. No, sisters, I'm going back to prison.

I'm going to get motivated to do comedy. So funny to go into comedy like, I'm going to fuck everybody up. Hey, everybody, how are you? Are you guys doing okay? Any birthdays out there? Hey, anybody celebrating an anniversary? All right. Yeah.

That's been tough with comedy is trying i'm okay with talking about i don't care talking about what's going on but like i usually on stage only talk about what i'm like thinking about it like going so like that's the only thing i can talk about yeah it's so hard to get into a joke about like relationships while this is taking place yeah i mean obviously It's hard for me to do that. Your mind, too, can really hunker down on one thing. So you get focused on something, and it's just like, that's it. Yeah. I can only focus on something for like 14 minutes at a time.

Yeah, I can focus on one thing for five years. Really? Yeah, just the same thing over and over again. No, my day is just like a flash of like, dude, obviously the fucking wind. I get hung up on that. Oh, yeah, you got hung up on the wind. We didn't even discuss that. We didn't discuss that, dude.

Matt had a sick theory about the wind. Yeah. I think I'm right. I think I was right about the wind, by the way. Well, on one drive, this is on the way to my fucking, this is on the way to the hearing, to the fucking inquisition. I'm driving in the lift, having a fucking blast. Dude, the wind's blowing on me i'm

like man this is cool as fuck and uh i've been reading a lot of like alchemical kind of literature so i'm i'm becoming religious slowly i'm slowly becoming religious because i'm reading a bunch of like old kind of english type shit i think this is the only thing that happened in this ordeal is you and me are just catholic as now, dude. Well, I'm reading a book right now. Dude, get into Catholicism. Get into it. The book I'm reading right now is called The Temptation of St. George. No, sorry.

The Temptation of St. Anthony. Yeah. And it basically details this dude, Flaubert. What is a temptation? Does somebody lose their car keys? What do you mean? Oh, he was like. He has to like.

It's based on a picture where St like saint anthony's just like a hermit he's being tempted by the devil classic fucking yeah jesus scenario where like the devil's problems and all this stuff and he's just chilling as a herm heard that been there exactly dude exactly so they but in the book flaubert spent his entire life of cataloging the thought of like every single sect of christianity every single religion in the time of really christianity and how they intermingled before it like became like you know one thing and other ones went by the wayside but dude so i'm not i'm reading nothing but like old english literature where basically if you're not religious you're a fucking dick

they're just like what a it was like you were a loser they're basically like dude like when if when that stuff first started to come about with people it was the book i'm reading is about like the french revolution or like it takes place in italy but like they're dealing with the french coming down and the french were basically like we can solve everything through science this was like hundreds of years ago and everyone's like dude shut up you fucking dork yeah like obviously and this was a guy who's like an alchemist who's like obviously dude there's fucking magic i'm an herbalist i'm an alchemist you're fucking lame it's funny as shit but i'm driving in the lift and i'm like damn dude i was thinking about the wind because we're pushing through there was there's no wind present at all and the car goes

and all of a sudden there's wind coming through i'm like damn dude i'm pushing through the elements right now yeah and i'm just creating wind. That's when I got my theory of basically... Where does wind come from? Exactly. Where it's the earth spinning or it's falling down from outer space. It's funny that there was so much intelligence brought at the beginning of that argument.

And it results in... You think wind is just air from outer space. Or the world spinning. Or, again, it's... The thing that I got really hung up on is that if there's no wind, Shane, there's no breeze in this room. If I start running around or spinning, you're going to catch the force of me moving through something. So there is an invisible matter that I'm physically pushing around when I move, and you'll feel that. Fucking sick.

Well, yeah, that's what's in the air. What is that, though? It's the atoms. But I can send them at you. I can literally, like this. Fucking sick. Well, yeah, that's what's in the air. What is that, though? It's the atoms. But I can send them at you. I can literally, like this. You're feeling it, dude. I'm sending shit that's over here and I'm throning in your face.

Yeah, you're fucking BO. Do I smell? I was fanning my arms. I can literally, dude, send you a wind bubble. I can blast you with wind. I was like, that's so fucking sick you like that i love that dude and then i was driving i was just like the whole point of

conscious thought is to be able to uh to deal with the eternity that's literally the fruit of conscious thought and if you don't interact with that you're fucking up now i'm religious as fuck what do you think about the french coming down and being like, we can solve everything with science? Fucking ruined it, dude. You don't like that. Jerk off, dude. You know that that resulted in they got basically a Hitler type. They got Napoleon after that.

Yeah. That's what all those young and all those... The guy who conquered Europe after all that. Like, we can solve everything. Yep. Science is the best. And they pour all that crazy weird energy into just a personality or i'm not saying those two definitely interact dovia dosayeski would disagree dude there's there's

so many other people right and like dude you can't take away these rules because people are gonna start acting like total fucking dickheads more so than before although i wonder if it's ever like i don't think that ever goes away. What's that? Just total mob mentality. I've said it before. It's just the mob mentality is just YouTube comments now. Where it's like, yeah, get him.

Fuck him. Piece of shit. It's like, that's it. Yeah. That's it, dude. And when you're not the subject, they're pretty funny. Yeah. Even when you're the subject, they're kind of funny. I feel pretty bad, dude.

Like, I'll see people getting jumped on I'm like Jesus Christ man yeah but yeah I've definitely been like like when Smollett got in trouble

I was like yeah I was like dude it was just the story made me laugh so hard that I was like no fucking way yeah

this dude and then when it came out I was just like holy fuck yeah no real repercussions either nah pretty sure he kept his agency.

Did he really? Well. What's he gonna be in? I don't know. His next movie's about to be. I know, my agency. His next movie's about to be lit. Hit the old eject button on old Shaner.

For sure, dude. But you know, they. They kept the old. I don't know about that. You don't know for sure? I don't know. I don't know. It's all hearsay.

Heard that. It's all hearsay. They better fucking keep him, dude. Yeah. He was, yeah. He was fucking hate crime by two Nigerians who love Trump. That's a hard hate crime, dude. That sucks.

Actually, it's funny. He says that. Same thing happened to me. I didn't call it in. Same exact thing that happened to him. Really? Yeah. I think it was the same exact guys.

What did they do to you? I didn't want to make a big stink about it, but they hate crying me. What'd they do? Same thing they did to him. They put a noose around your neck? No, they just did white stuff to me. Poured bleach on you? They did white stuff to me. Like what?

They put like a big puffy winter coat on me and like, get out of here, white boy. And I was like, oh, fuck, god damn it. It's maggot country, white boy. They said that to you? Yeah. When did this happen? Two Scandinavians, dude. Really?

When did this happen? Two Swedes. Two Swedes hit you with like, this is Malala country. Yeah, man. Yeah, two Swedes were like, this is for the apartheid, mother. I was like, oh, what the fuck's going on? The Swedes will get you. For sure.

That's a scary bunch. But yeah, man. But that was my thinking on the way on the way up I was just like I wonder if we can be racist against Swedes for sure yeah we can get them

for fucking sure pieces of shit what do you got going what's going on with Swedes actually I have a a friend who's a Swede I like him very much Legos

they invented Legos yeah it's kind of it's kind of chill yeah I think they got Legos in like Ikea not gonna pop off.

Yeah. I love building. Sort of. Tiny building things. They sort of like to build. That no one ever can follow the directions. I told you what my last year's Halloween costume was going to be. What's that?

Swedish Carpenter. Have a tool belt with just Allen keys. Oh, man. That's pretty funny. Thank you. Yeah, that's pretty good. Thank you good did you come up with it yeah wow yeah dude i think of cool shit all fucking day when you're religious dude when you're religious like me yeah god blesses you god blesses you with sick ass ideas the whole point wait what religion are you leaning towards christian mysticism probably it's like an old, obscure Christian mystic set. Nice. Yeah.

Probably Rosicrucian, probably. But yeah, that was my insight on the way to school. I was like, damn, dude. Wind. Wind, first of all. The fact that I can just move through space and generate wind, I'm like, that's fucking awesome. Yeah. And again, the whole point of conscious thought is to interact with the eternal.

That's the fruit of it. That's, that's what I, yeah, me personally. That's what I say. Damn. Everything else is just a tangled fucking vines,

dude. And then it's like, Oh, that's nice. That's a delicious berry. You are fucking nuts. Why? Why?

Yeah. Uh, you are fucking nuts why why yeah uh i don't know man i'm telling you without it it's it's it's the worst because like we've completely disproved that whole line of thinking what's that it's like we figured out how to just be like totally okay with everything and people are like take it away i mean religion you mean yeah or some sort of thinking like that i mean to replace like obviously there was you know people were killing each other and the names of religions which again i always like how would that happen now i'm like oh i could see how that fucking that shit happened yeah people be like no i'm right it's like oh you can see how that's been that's literally been since day one with i know it's still going on though yeah still going with everybody yeah yeah no i'm right no and it's but again i'm gonna kill a bunch of people that live around you and i'm right not only not only like i'm gonna kill a bunch of

people like i am fully justified yeah you're starting to see that thinking kind of creep up, dude. People being like, fucking punch him in his fucking mouth. It's coming, dude. You think? I mean, I don't think it'll get there, but they're the same strings are being kind of pulled. Yeah, they are the same strings.

That's what I'm saying. As the religious shit. But you could buttress yourself against it if you have some sort of deeper belief system that I live in a cold, deaf universe that doesn't care about me. That's what we've taken it away and put it in that we've some, for some reason we're like, yeah,

that's the one. It's like, why? It's a, it's a terrifying fucking thought. What is that? You, you,

we just live in a cold, deaf universe that is like completely... Do you think that's true? Well, no, it's weird. I was reading... Answers to Job is my book I read while I take a dump. It's a small little book. Big Job guy. Job.

You like Job. I'm going through some Job shit. Bro, Answers to Job is good. But basically, he was talking about how we had Zeus. Well, we didn't have him. But Zeus was the Greek god who was basically completely detached from human affairs for the most part. Zeus was just in the sky, flexing his traps. And he'd be like, I'm so fucking sick.

And then he'd come down and lay pipe occasionally. He would fuck every now and again. And every now and again, he would chuck a thunderbolt at people and be like, fuck you. fucking sick. And then he'd come down and lay pipe occasionally. He would fuck every now and again and every now and again he would like chuck a thunderbolt at people and be like, fuck you. And that was the Greeks' deity. Yeah.

And it wasn't until the Judeo-Christian god was the first god to come and be like, what are you guys doing? And like was the first, it's literally a neurotic deity who came down

and was just like a total fucking weirdo. Like Zeus was just all powerful, like fuck you dude, the fucking man yeah and then the like the jewish the hebrew god yahweh was just kind of like you can't do this and came down there say young puts forth that like it was a god who was like real weirdly intertwined with people and like it was like completely imperfect and strange it's just strange to think about how a people's collective mentality projected out and formed

their deity. Isn't it funny? Because Jewish people tend to be neurotic and they came up with a neurotic God. Yeah. Which is so fucking weird. Yeah. I just thought that was fucking cool. Greek people are yoked. They're just yoked and they're just good at fucking Olympics and shit. That's literally all Zeus did. He would just walk that was fucking cool. And Greek people are yoked. They're just yoked, and they're just, like, good at fucking Olympics and shit, dude.

And they're like, that's literally all Zeus did. He would just, like, walk around and, like, fuck people. Launch a discus. Fuck some cherubim. Fuck yeah, dude. Yeah, Zeus is cool. But they also, the pantheon and the gods of Greece and a bunch of other ones, they had, like, dumb, stupid, they had, like, dumb gods, too.

Yeah. So that was the... They got, like, Bacchus. Or was that Roman? Bacchus might have been Roman. But the... They had the same thing. They had like dumb gods too. Yeah. That was the god like Bacchus or was that Roman? Bacchus might have been Roman but the same thing. They had a lot of the same ones but basically they had gods that were just like fuck up and were stupid and there was gods people like yo that god fucking sucks

and then it was just like they did the Judeo Christian thing where it's just this weird like weirdo just being like what are you guys fucking doing? Stop! It's gonna like what are you guys fucking doing yeah stop it's gonna be nice you guys fucking suck you're one guy nice and listening to what i want one guy was like yeah you made us it's like shut up don't be a fucking dick it's funny that you can punch a hole right through that right away of like just by being like yeah well you made me that was joe basically

being like well what the fuck is your problem? Or actually, I think it was David. David was kind of like, yeah, well, I hate to break it to you, dude. If you fucking hate me so bad, why did you make me this? Why did you make that with me, dude? Yeah. Or whatever the fuck those words are. But I was laughing like, damn, dude. The Jewish God is a collective projection of neuroticism, basically.

The ancient Hebrew God, compared to Zeus, was just like a total weirdo. Yeah. Knock it off. Stop it. Just a dad on a field trip. What's going on back there? Because I fucking said so.

You need to stop. You cursed. I could fucking curse if I wanted to. Yeah, I was like page two into it, taking a dump. Like, well, I don't need to read it anymore. Dude, it's fucking awesome. Yeah. You got it.

You absorbed everything you needed to out of it. I'm going to come out of the... Come the end of November, I'm going to be a weird dude. You think? Yeah, I'm going to be... It's going to... Where do you think you're at now? You think you're buzzing around normal?

My tomato meter? You think you're normal right now, frequency? Not really. No. Not really. Gotta. Not really. Gotta be honest. The goal of this year. Oh, man.

This podcast is just a depressed dude and a lunatic. That's what it's always been. The goal is full integration of my entire being and personality. So that's going to be, I'm shot calling my New Year's resolution to be a totally integrated 100% human being by January 1st. What are you now? I'm still a little scattered. I integrated two of my spheres.

It was a little disastrous. What spheres? Podcast realm, school. I have other spheres, dude. That's what I'm saying power man this is what it's like my worlds collide are you frowning at me cause I'm frowning at you

I need to go to the creek yeah man I like sitting by the creek dude that's good old fashioned that's a human fucking response i'm telling you human fucking response i'll tell you what dude i went i went out to that fucking creek and i was like i'm chilling as soon as all right one guy's like hey you all right i'm like motherfucker and i'm like yeah yeah i'm fine i think thomas aquini did some reflecting by creek really i think one of the ways he proved god was something with that that's probably what i was unconsciously working on

you're probably working on proving god i I mean, you were turning to religion. I did. I think Thomas Aquini might have been sitting down there with you at that creek. I think so. Aquinas might have been sitting there. Fuck these pussies, dude. Go back in there and shove it up their ass. Dude, do you think Phil's Thomas Aquini? Perhaps.

For fucking sure. Dude, so I'm telling you, man, it's like... It's nice when you have an actual mission in life. When you have a real mission in life, you have a real mission in life it is a sweet pleasure that like the idea of just total ruin and destruction is like worth it totally worth it damn man and if you ping around in a little hamster cage it's like safe it's comfy but goddamn dude you got bust out of that thing my shit's fucked up right now. Did you dose today? No,

no, no, no. So it's like one day, two days off next day, you know, and on this day one off. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, you got off again tomorrow. Yeah. You got to integrate. The whole point of it is, are you allowed to blaze crime? Fucking blaze crime.

Hard, hard yesterday. Cause I didn't, I didn't really, I smoked weed once all the October. I fell on porn twice you was born twice just to fucking sleep bro on september it's just asleep and it was wasn't till like the towards the end of the third week so i'm not so you jerked off during the

crisis i did bro basically that's kind of what happened that's kind of what happened you got stressed out and you fucking stressed the nut out of me here too yeah i was doing so fucking good of just like being a good boy, holding in. But then it was just like. The walls came tumbling. You had to crack one off. The boulder came down me and I was like, instead of the fucking rope, dude, I was just holding my dong. Yeah.

For a week, I didn't. You didn't jerk off. For a week, I was in full fucking stress mode. When I'm in stress mode, I got to get it out, which feels weird because you're like stressed out and you're like jerk off no but then it's it is it is helpful oh jerking off when you're going through a crisis is nice yeah dude starts to help it's like all right here's a five minute window that's not hell yeah yeah yeah dude but yeah so i fell twice but i was still proud of overall what'd you go with bro oh. Oh boy. I fell into this. Oh,

I got a good one. Go ahead. Oh dude. I watched this lady get, oh my God. Last night. Yeah. I fell last night.

You fell? At my parents' house. I fell dude. Of course, you got to jerk off there. Yeah, there's, you know,

there's a lot of tragedy going on at the Gillis household. I had to crank one out to awful born up in my old room. Headphones or just low headphones low it was late at night i had the ceiling fan could you hear yeah good but no one could hear if they if somebody heard that they would be because wait till you i was watching this lady get uh face fucked like like and i think she threw up oh man oh shane well it was like right when i finished too i think it was come and like throw up in her i don't know what sometimes yeah sometimes they like kind of eject so much of that viscous liquid yeah that was one that was one where you get like that fucking 800 meter spit

when you run the 800 meter and spit in the winter it's like that it might as well become that was one where i finished and i was like oh my god what was that i hope that doesn't stay on my recommended born up because that was that was weird that doesn't stay on my recommended born up because that was that was weird yeah i don't like the fact that they're doing that shit disaster struck so there's a box of tissues in the guest room at my parents house you still jerk off any tissues i hit the last two tissues for cleanup use a sock dude i had one pair of socks true i boxed the tissues boxers are good i'm not gonna jizz in my clothes i had one pair of socks. True. I had a box of tissues. Boxes are good. I'm not going to jizz in my clothes.

I had one outfit. That's true. Yeah, you were kind of on the move. I have the privilege of being able to come in my boxers because I can put them right in the wash. I had two tissues left in the box. When I pulled the second one, I was like, fuck, the box is empty.

My mom's going to know. I didn't have the sniffles. What happened to that tissue box? Oh, dude. You could have blown your nose. You should have took the tissues out, came into the box, and put the tissues back in.

Oh, but you should have took it and tried to take one out. I've knotted it in a tissue box. You should have ripped it in half. I've knotted it in a tissue box. You should. I've sent one in. Did you really?

Yeah, I've fired in that hole before. Yeah, man. Did you push through the two little plastic flaps yeah that's what's what do you think about that that's hot dog and hallway status it doesn't feel good it feels like nothing of course it is a bummer coming into the i remember as a young lad thinking that was going to be a cool thing coming into a tissue box yeah were. Were the tissues in there? No. So you went empty box? When the box was empty, I was like, oh, fuck, what do I nut it?

The box, obviously. Put the box over. So how did you do it? Did you jerk base and then pop into the... I waited. I was like, I'm about to pop. You did a no-hander into the box? So you were ready that you were there, and then those two plastic flaps pushed you over the edge.

You were like, uh, uh, uh. Yep. Damn, dude. Yep. So what'd you fall to? Because I fell to some lady pretending to be a stepmom throwing up on herself. I got into, so I started just kind of like looking around a little bit, and I got into this genre I never heard about where it's black BBWs dominating small white chicks.

So these are like big fat black chicks who dominate small white chicks. I saw a preview for that. Dude, that's what got me, dude. Oh my God, that's hilarious. We saw the same commercial. Yeah, that's what got me. I was like, this is my new shit. Yeah, it's a giant black lady, a little tiny white chick.

It was tight, dude. I saw that ad. I didn't like it when I giant black lady A little tiny white chick It was tight dude I saw that ad But I was I didn't like it You should just jerk off to the ad Those ads are nice The video doesn't really hold up

To the ad The video is like I mean it's just I can't get into porn That's too heavily produced Yeah And it's just like a They just start eating each other's asses

And I was just like You know I'm nothing against it But I was just kind of like I don't think people are genuinely enjoying this. Yeah. Oh, this porn stew commercial for me. Great idea.

Great premise. If you find me that IRL, dude, I'll be fucking overflowing tissue boxes, dude. I don't know why. I was like, big fat black ladies having rough sex with small white chicks? I'm like. That's nice. That's my new thing. Nice.

Obviously my new fucking Twitter. Yeah, that's obviously your thing. So you fell to that? Fell to that. Did you finish and then you're like, that's nice. That's my new thing. Nice. Obviously my new fucking Twitter. That's obviously your thing. So you fell to that. Did you finish? And then you're like, Oh, I didn't like it. No,

I was like, I mean, obviously I fell to that after like a period of obvious chastity. Yeah. So I was just like, uh, you know, I was,

I definitely crumbed hard to it, but I was like, as a critic, I was like, eh, then I ran it back to like just the classics, dude. There's one of,

uh, that lady with the vibrating panties who's secretly coming in the living room you ever see that one uh maybe that's fantastic and then there's an amateur cream pie that i've probably watched maybe 16 times of a lady in a car pink bra dude unbelievable you like it yes lady in a bra. Cream pie bag is like literally my kryptonite. Yeah. In porn life

and in real life. I'm like, okay. You have a kid now. Yeah, dude. That was probably off my cream pie bag. I fucking didn't even tell you this.

I proposed to Brittany. What? Yeah, I proposed to Brittany. Where? Dude, this was... The Halloween shop? I wish, dude. That would have been better.

She would have put on a mask. That would have been better. Damn, this is damn congratulations thank you this was so i hate doing shit like this yeah it's just you know it's like i'd rather just be like here like yeah all right you know obviously we were talking about this put it on good to go but there has to be this whole thing and then like so she was like i would just really like for like you know my mom could be there so i like i was just gonna do it way sooner and i was like well i guess i'll wait till your mom comes so like i waited and the whole time she would like even be like you know i'm not pressuring you but just oh man i just i'd be i'll feel really good about it when i'm like i know just relax i got you don't worry about it and uh it's where mom

comes and i like i didn't want to have the it's how uncomfortable i am about this shit i didn't want to have the conversation with her mom i tell her like hey i was like hey uh uh you know this one i'm gonna propose to bernie while you're here and you know she's like oh that's great that's great but i never warned her so i was at el limon in contrahocken yes so i was going to do an el limon proposal so i had it in my pocket and i was just like but the new there's a new el lim. So I'm in the back row and I was too cramped. So I just had a ring. I was nervous the whole time I ate and I was just like, didn't pull the trigger. Went home, kept it in my pocket.

How the fuck did you forget this and talk to me about wind? I totally... This is what I meant by you're fucking crazy. Totally forgot. So the wind thing is revolutionary. No, it's good good i was talking about my my sister getting cancer but go ahead tell me about a really great moment of your life go ahead well go ahead no it's a great moment go ahead it was good but it was heavily embarrassing so like

i leave alamone a chicken out at this huge fucking lump in my pocket that's just sticking out that whole time i'm like blocking i'm like get go on my other side yeah so fucking awkward i think people are kind of expecting me to do it i didn't so then like we go home and uh bernie's like so are we doing anything else today and i was like oh i think i might get some ice cream so went to franklin fountain nice so i'm like all right i'm gonna do it at franklin fountain it'll be nice she's kind of like an extrovert she'll like this thing in public or whatever yeah dude we Dude, we got ice cream. I told her. We're like, me and her mom.

Brittany runs out to go check on her brother. I tell her mom. I'm like, I'm going to propose to Brittany right now. She's like, what? Right now? I'm like, just, I'm going to say take a picture of us. You know what it is. Her mom's like, well, okay.

Like, totally fucking just like, uh-uh. So then I'm like, dude, I'm sitting there and I'm'm like i never suggest for us to get pictures i'm like you should get a picture and uh britney's like okay and i was like how about over there and i got point to the place dude it was it was the most autistic fucking uh it was so awkward so then i'm like here you guys i took a picture of her and her mom and her brother and i'm like hey uh get a picture of us now and then her mom goes take a picture and I just literally, I like take a regular picture. Then I kneel down right in public.

It was horrible. And I just opened the box and I didn't say anything. I just went and showed it to her. I just show it to her. And I'm like, and she was like, are you going to say anything? And I just took it out.

I was like, here, marry me. And she was just like, Oh my God. You know, she fucking, here, marry me. I was like, here, marry me. And she was just like, oh, my God. You know, she fucking. Here, marry me. I was like, oh, marry me.

And then, dude, then people start, like, seeing what's going on. Wow, a nice interracial marriage over ice cream? Yeah, bro. Wow, people must have been jizzing. People were like, ah. There must have been tissue boxes everywhere. Yeah, bro. And people started cheering, which is, I thought, what she would have liked.

And then she's like, you could have just done this in the house. Like, I don't even care that my mom's here and I was just like damn it I could have foregone all of this horrible embarrassment dude and then like on the ride

I was funny too I called a Lyft so like right afterwards like oh a Lyft's here let's get the fuck out of here so we took off and the whole time the way home

didn't fit first of all the ring doesn't fit and her I wonder if anybody in the crowd knew you were known racist Matt McCusker definitely a wonder if anybody in the crowd knew you were known racist, Matt McCusker. Definitely a PR stunt. Somebody in the crowd must have been like,

wait, isn't that that fucking racist? I called NBC and I was like, there's a bomb at Franklin Fountain. Yeah, obviously the whole thing is a political stunt. It's just a PC stunt, dude. But dude, so on the way home, it's just her pc stunt dude the uh but dude so i got uh so on the way home it's just her and her mom trashing my proposal just being like so you didn't like think to say anything and i was like your mom's like yeah matt if you like told me that we could have like planned something out i'm like i mean i thought it was pretty good um but uh you know let me know we'll

go get it resized uh you can wear it on your pinky for now i was just like i feel like such a fucking putz dude damn total putz total fucking putz that's a nice thing that's what the picture is picture is wonderful but it was like yeah it was just funny i mean it was my first i'd love to see that picture your fucking cheese dick smile like it's she's going like she's literally she was surprised which i was happy about. And I'm just like, I have like a stupid mop, like a Scooby-Doo haircut. I'm like, oh,

fuck. But my first, it's such a PC stunt, dude. When I, for sure. I had some PC stunts too, I'll tell you.

I basically freed Ape Step Rocky, bro. Oh. I love how people say like, that's obviously a political stunt. It's just like, yeah, obviously.

Yeah, obviously. But it's still freedom. But no, yeah, it's all politics with me, dude we're like we're me and her are basically the clintons dude i'm bill i'm hillary house of cards i'm hillary she's bill yeah i had some uh i had a sick pc move what after i did a show at the stand and these two black chicks came up talking to me they're like oh man you're great. And somehow we got to foster kids.

And I was like, jackpot. Like, oh, that's great. My, uh, I have two, my niece and nephew are foster kids. Then I showed them

and they're like, tell me those kids are fucking black. And I was like, take a look. Look at these pictures. And they're like, oh my God,

like you're not racist at all, motherfucker. This whole thing's crazy. How dare you hide behind them, dude. No, I didn't. I didn't show it. I know, dude, I know. Haven't made that public,

that would have been so funny to make that public right away. If you Kevin Spacey'd. Dude, if I just posted a picture of my family, just my Arab brother-in-law standing over me. You have a diverse family. Yeah, dude, Arab brother-in-law, black niece and nephew. We're Irish, got an Italian niece. Sitcom, dude.

We had the worst fucking, all of the shittiest people. Arabs, Italians, black people, Irish people. Literally, we joined forces to make one shitty, falling apart family. It's just modern family, but every other line is like, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep. Also, we went bowling. Me and, dude, you would have loved my sister's ruthlessness. Dude, they are,

like how fucking mean and funny they are. Like I was trying to bowl. Every time you would go up to try to bowl, everybody would say like the worst things ever about you.

It was so funny. Oh my God. Like my sister went up, I was like, cancer. Like everybody was just saying the worst possible things.

Oh, that's hilarious. One of them, while I was bowling, was like, it's me possible things. Oh, that's hilarious. One of them, while I was bowling, was like, it's me, Finnegan, your old dog. Oh, I miss you. I'm trying to bowl. We were bowling at, like, 3 p.m. at a fucking shitty bowling alley. Fuck. And it just instantly became the most competitive thing possible.

Just while you're bowling, people were screaming the worst things that have happened to you. What did anyone hit Phil with? Phil didn't go. It was just me, my two sisters, and my A-Rab brother have happened to you. What did anyone hit Phil with? Phil didn't go. It was just me, my two sisters, and my A-Rab brother-in-law. What'd they hit him with? What'd we hit the A-Rab with? I'm not going to say it on here.

Come on, man. It's probably fucking rough, dude. Come on, man. It's probably rough as fuck. No, but whenever he would bowl and fuck up, my sisters would just scream laughing. It's like the most... It's a cackle, dude. Having women behind you while you're trying to bowl they're like you fucking suck oh my god yeah it was funny i thought they're gonna like reference

like something horrible that happened in egypt uh we do make fun of him a lot for he was bragging about how he was like the egyptians invented hummus he was like we have hummus and the pyramids i was like dude i could wake up tomorrow and be they weremus and the pyramids. I was like, dude, I could wake up tomorrow and they were like, oh, the pyramids are gone and so is hummus. And I'd be like, I wouldn't. No one would care. Oh, fuck. Egypt sucks, dude.

They invented hummus? That's what he's claiming? He claims it. He claims a lot for Egypt. Yeah. While we were bowling, I think. Also. I think he claimed bowling.

What? Yeah. I was like, I don't know about that, dude. I don't think so, dude. I don't know about that. How'd they do that? I don't know. I don't think so about that dude i don't think so about that how'd they do that i don't know i don't think so bro i don't think so either that's a motherfucking bullshit yeah he claims a lot for the egyptians there is always a funny like who's better irish

or egyptians and my argument's solid mine's like you guys have sucked as long as we've been around we've equally sucked the entire time you guys guys were good back when they were wearing leather helmets. Way back when. Now when the games eat, that's like Rutgers claiming they were good at football. Yeah. It's like you guys were good. You guys were good when there was four other football teams.

Yeah, yeah. And no one was, yeah. Yeah, that's true. It's like the pyramids predate Ireland. Give us some fucking, you know. Yeah, dude. We got whiskey. And I don't know. Did they even come up with whiskey the irish irish probably also i don't know if you know this i don't know

if you know this now jesus left jerusalem for a couple years you know he went to ireland he went to ireland bro true that's there's a huge part of uh i told you about that i watched that documentary the last uh druid no dude this guy i could have sworn he went to the Far East. He went to Ireland, bro. I could have sworn he went to like the... He learned from... He learned Hinduism

and Buddhism and all that. Nah, he would definitely went to Ireland, bro. Yeah, I agree. Sorry. Jesus is definitely Irish. Dude, this guy was the fucking man.

He's the last... He got tapped by one of his uncles when he was like 21. And they're like, hey, by the way, we're part of a secret druid society that's basically been around for thousands of years and you're like one of the last male heirs so you have

to join it and then it's a it's a 30-year apprenticeship did i talk about this before no it's a 30-year apprenticeship i don't know i don't think i talked about this on the page it's a 30-year apprenticeship and uh you have to basically in order to be a druid in this realm of it, you have to be able to hold the civilization. You are like a capsule of the entire civilization. So you have to know the philosophy, the history, the mathematics, farming techniques, everything. So if there's a cataclysm,

if you survive as a druid, you can just reseed the whole civilization. That seems stupid fucking awesome dude that's what they're saying you're writing it down right well the kelp the ancient kelps the ancient kelps didn't really write much but this guy did do some writing but a lot of it right down because if the whole thing is like if there's a cataclysmic event you have to restart it it's more likely that he's just gonna fucking die true well they apparently he was claiming this is a bad group he well this is a lot of this stuff the kelts that's why no one knows about them because they didn't write anything

down they didn't write anything down because their secrets they thought were so sick that they're like we don't want anyone getting our hands on why why didn't we have that gene which we had that gene where we were like this is we gotta keep it it's dude i've had so many people laugh in my face when they're like what's the name of the podcast i'm like man chain's secret podcast i mean it's literally like we had an envelope that was like in crayon this is top secret don't look here all right let's uh let's end this because i think o'connor is here oh connie's here let's fucking slide we're gonna do a little patreon with o'connor let's do it october 24th through the 26th i'll be at Helium Philly headlining and I think

I think we're gonna do a live cast Saturday night baby midnight Helium Comedy Club October 26th shit

those are just rumors right now shit but that's Saturday whatever the date is I think it's the 26th yeah slide into the page baby there's we're gonna go into the page

with O'Connor dude how amazing is it that we went through that whole episode and then we were both like, oh, I got engaged. Oh, here's the thing about myself. God damn, we suck. First order of business, dude.

This fucking bullshit taking us. Yeah, it's hilarious. O'Connie. I knew he was going to do that. I knew it. I was laughing the whole time. When I heard him walk in, I was like, he's definitely just going to open the door and walk in.

I texted you before. was laughing the whole time. When I heard him walk in, I was like, he's definitely just going to open the door and walk in. I texted you before. Are you drunk? No. Let's go, baby. All right, so we're just going to do a Patreon episode right now. Bye.