Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Bull's Gone Wild: Spring Break Edition

Episode Date: March 10, 2020

Shane is mulling over the social opportunity of a life time. Will he be crowned with a visor and become life of the party? Or will he be stripped naked and humiliated in front of his potential pals? Topics include: New World Order, Quigley, Baby duties, and a bunch more stuff

hell yeah dude we're here wow what's going down in the studio dude in the stude baby episode one oh my unfinished studio dude the this is our full form dude we're in this is our butterfly hunter yeah oh for sure we started out shitty caterpillar and that fucking basement yeah poker table yep then we went into a cocoon in the fucking Beezer den. Now we're here, dude. Now we're here in the studio.

Full butterfly. Basically a rogue. You set up, dude. This is essential. We are basically rogues. We are pretty much. We might be rogues. We'll get the TV.

We'll be able to, we have the screen to watch stuff. Dirty, dirty deeds. Pull that up. Dirty deeds. Dirty door. Shout out.

Dirty Dorian. Shout out. He's calling him dirty deeds. Yeah. Dirty deeds, man. That was calling him Dirty Deeds I was fucking dying dude Yeah Dirty Deeds man That was We were setting up Saturday I guess that was I was

Beyond sleep Dude I Woke up at one point I've never reached levels Of sleep deprivation Like that before That's gotta be wild I'm good now

Yeah Dude the The first night we got home We spazzed and invited Everybody over So like I didn't sleep The night Four nights before that And I'm like You're just running Yeah, dude. The the first night we got home, we spazzed and invited everybody over. So, like, I didn't sleep the night for nights before that. And I'm like, you're just running on adrenaline. You're like, I just want everyone to see this little kids like your family's coming.

So I don't sleep at all. And you're supposed to sleep when the baby sleeps. So I'm as wide awake. Oh, look, the baby's sleeping here, passing around. And eventually, like, I crash and like, you know, nighttime, the baby wakes up like every 35 minutes it's like literally like cia there's a form of cia torture that is that yeah where you stand in a box and they just kind of make you they hit you with lights every like 30 minutes or so so it's enough it's enough just to start falling asleep and then you get kind of like shocked oh it's fucking brutal so i'm like beyond levels of sleep deprivation i've ever experienced and britney wakes up i wake up to britney being like oh like all overwhelmed and shit i'm like what's the

matter she was like i just i finally got her to sleep and and she starts like telling me how like upset she is and i was trying as hard as i could to like make sense with my words this is how tired i was yeah and i was like yeah i mean you know this is we're doing a podcast in a recession and i i couldn't i had no control over what i was saying dude i had you know when you're slipping off into sleep and you get your you get those thoughts that like kind of float through your head i don't want to get all that yeah there was no filter you wake up and just say gibberish there was that i was that and i was awake though i was awake and i knew that i was messing up my words but i'd be like i mean britney you have to understand bill and spud and shane just did a war room and she's like what are you talking about and i was like i just go to bed okay and i passed back out dude you were you

you had woodman brain for like a minute you woke up like we're just doing a podcast in a recession you don't understand like that was literally she was was like, what are you? And she was getting mad at me. She was like, I'm trying to talk to you about something serious. And I'm like, I understand. You have to understand what I'm saying, though. Dude, I just kept talking about the cast. She was like, stop. Holy shit, dude.

And I had no control over it. My brain, I was in a half-dreaming state, but I was awake and aware of the fact that I couldn't. It was like a schizophrenic person. I would start off making sense and just make these weird connections and just start, it was like a schizophrenic person. I would start off making sense and just make these weird connections and just start like, I would just lose her. She was just kind of like. That's so funny to have like a distraught Bay

and just being like, look, there's a recession and the podcast is, we need the podcast. Which isn't even true. Apparently we're doing well. What is Trump? Trump talk has the economy, dude. I mean, dude, the stock market was literally up like a thousand percent whatever stop stocks drop dude well because of coronavirus coronaviruses dude i don't know what the fuck's going on with this with the

ronies yeah man i'm like first of all i was talking so much shit about i was like coronavirus i'll champ that now i'm like terrified scared of it's gonna get it i don't think i'll be i'll be fine i feel bad about it today because i was on the fucking subway yeah i was in time square Coronavirus. I'll champ that now. I'm like terrified. Are you scared of it? My kid's going to get it. I don't think I'll be. I'll be fine. I felt bad about it today because I was on the fucking subway. Yeah. I was in Times Square. Oh. And then I was like, oh, I'm going to go see Matt today.

Give that baby coronavirus. But I think kids are OK. That's what I was reading. It's just geezers. It's just geezer apocalypse. Is it really? Yeah. Geezers are fucked.

That's why I'm not. So I'm going back to being not sold on this thing. So it's like. If it's just a geezer apocalypse, that's not bad. i'm not so i'm going back to being not sold on this thing so it's like if it's just a geezer apocalypse that's not bad dude not bad it was funny because we could afford a good geezer apocalypse dude yeah we get all the boomers those boomers okay boomers we made fun of them and now they're gonna get genocided so they get for ruining the economy but yeah the um yeah i was like that hot that hot chick that made that okay boomer tiktok that's not gonna age well when the boomers get fucking covid it's not gonna age well just a hot chick taunting them what's that show called where people just disappear yeah uh it'll be like

that it's just gonna be that except all geezers dude where do all the geezers go the geezers are gone i look it'll be a bummer but all my grandparents are dead dude yeah i'm good with the geezers apocalypse it would be like that show but everyone wake up and be like oh sweet i just got a bunch i got ten thousand dollars my grandparents trump dog trump daddy gets fucking caronis he's down playing king gets caronis he's the only one no he's not gonna get it he's the only one being like this is not a big deal there was like a georgia representative that has caronies dude he's on lockdown i mean that's the that's the best thing a politician can literally put out a tweet that was like a you tweet he was like i would rather

die in glorious battle than die from a virus but what's the difference and then he posted a picture with it that was like samurais fighting for cronies fighting coronavirus what he's doing dude it's coronavirus the samurai is he the samurai i think they're both samurais he's all cronies well he i mean one of the funniest tweets possible that's yeah that's that's a that's a big thing right now he literally dude it was a grown it was a man yeah it was like i'd rather die in battle than with a virus and posted a random cartoon of warriors fighting. What the fuck? Imagine if you voted for that guy.

I'm telling you, this is political points right now. If you quarantine yourself, you're the man. I was watching Chris Christie. He's on ABC, George Stupelo. Yeah, you've got a problem with this. Did I talk about this last week? Yeah, you're pissed because he locked down the bridge. He should be on TV.

He's back on TV. And he's just like, he's constantly being like, well, I don't mean back in Hurricane Sandy. He keeps talking about it. I was like, dude, let it go. You were fine, dude. Tiny hurricane. Yeah.

Again. He almost floated off, though, dude. You think he would have floated? It'd be like the Katrina pictures. It's just people in new jersey up to their knees in water just looking all like forlorn yeah that was but he kept bringing up that and he was like i'm full if i you know if i were running politically and he kept like oh politically i would do this and bullshit it's like dude trump dog already got you he was basically saying like i'm ready for quarantine immediately everyone's like that's so that's so brave of you chris christie you're ready to stay home and you're fat fucking ass yeah obviously i'm basically already in quarantine during the day i'm in quarantine you should go

full fucking you should start wearing like future apocalypse gear like spray paint mask and walk around the city just start bugging everyone's bugged out right now lady next to me was coughing on the subway today and i was i was unhappy she. A lady next to me was coughing on the subway today. People moving? I was unhappy. She was sitting right next to me. Should have bullied her off the train. She was blowing her nose. Me and this fucking lad was standing directly in front of me. Me and the lad locked eyes and we're like, all right.

We both literally looked at each other like, all right, if we're getting it, this is it. It's pretty funny. Yeah, I watched the thing on it. It was like an NBC news thing. My mother-in-law is home. The TV she watches is so funny. It's just the George Stukas show where they're just kind of like the whole time. Stephanopoulos?

Stephanopoulos, yeah. Is that his name? I have no idea. All right. George Stephanopoulos. Maybe. So he – George Stukas?

Stukas. I'm sorryos I'm sorry I'm sorry to cut you off We're going on your Mother-in-law's TV in a second But just That's just like It reminds me of like

Geezer talk Like my dad will just guess names He doesn't know your name He still can't figure out your name He's like You're still down there With that Chris McCusker McCluskey

But I was on the phone with him today, and he was talking about his basketball team lost first round in the state playoffs. They scored four points at halftime. It was 13-4 at half. That stings. He was like, we held them to, I think, three points in the second half and got outscored. So they had ice hockey numbers. But he finally reversed. He finally had a good reverse on me

because i always make fun of him like dude i would drop 50 on your shitty team yeah i would destroy your team definitely would so i was like dad i he they the other team had this girl that was six three that just fucked them up and i was like dude i'm six three i would murder your team he's like shane you got a weird fantasy about playing with high school girls you need to focus on the road because i was driving he's like see ya and hung up yeah i was like david you finally reversed it because normally yeah just call him a pervert the whole time for being around girls high school basketball does he know who bucky gills is i don't know probably give him send him a Bucky Gills article.

Who's that? Bucky Gills. I used to go to his basketball camp. He was the guy who allegedly squirted shampoo on his girls' basketball team in the shower. Yeah. They were naked in the shower and he came in and was... I think he was horsing around. He was like, ladies, great playing out there. Maybe it was like a champagne over the shoulder thing.

Hit him with some Pert Plus. That was the alleged thing, That he was being indecent Really indecent I think there might have been Don't quote me I think there might have been butt slaps Like get out there Like smack on the butt

Alright that makes sense That's sports But yeah a little celebratory squirt of Pert Plus While they're in the shower coming in and spraying them That's what people were saying Soaping them up That's what people were saying. Soaping them up. That's what people were saying, dude. You're soaping them up.

You can't soap up the squad, dude. I've been so afraid of my dad fucking soaping up the squad. Oh, my God. It would be so embarrassing, dude. You should send him an article and be like, dude, let it be a cautionary tale. Yeah, dude. That's Icarus. That's Icarus, dude. Drake is Icarus. That's Icarus, dude.

Drake is Icarus. He's flying way too close to the sun right now. Gibson came out against it. Against Drake? Against all of Hollywood. They say it's basically fueled by the blood. It's good that now he just says Hollywood instead of Jews. Yeah.

He's probably like, oh, shit. That's probably one of those moments. I could have just said Hollywood. I could have just said globalists this whole time. And people would love me. Yeah, he came out and was just like, this is purely just feeding on. The whole thing's built on hot young chicks. Yeah.

Dude, it's true. With all those gatekeepers and shit, now that that's starting to somewhat kind of fall away. Dude, imagine if you were in a position where it was nothing but the hottest chicks in the world all day, every day, begging you for a job. It just turned into a total rubbish. I have a bit on that right now about Harvey Weinstein. It's like, dude, this is just a question for the fellas. Fellas?

Fellas. Let me ask you. Women? Shh. They always get mad, dude. If you say women in the room literally like three of them will audibly be like i haven't got a good mass shushing in a while if you shush a woman it's just guaranteed it's a

it's it kills them but uh that's funny for someone to like bring their girlfriends out just for you to fight with them uh yeah that's's cool. I'm like, dude, let's say you had the power to offer any woman you wanted millions of dollars overnight. Would you maybe use that power to try to get some head? Yeah. The room just silent every time. Every dude's in there with a chick like, no. I would never.

Yeah, dude. It's like, yeah, you would. Yeah. I mean, you would just take the head. There would be head you wouldn't even be trying to get. There'd be head to be had. There'd be head you wouldn't even be trying to get. And then you'd just be like, all right, well, I get head from, you know, whenever, wherever.

Then someone's like, nah. And you're like, excuse me? Pardon me? Would you like to go out to dinner or something? What is this? Yeah, man, that shit's starting to fall away. Yeah. Dude, that is pretty...

Well, that's just Trump rolling up the pedophiles, dude. I mean, that's draining the swamp. He's draining the swamp. He's draining Hollywood. Dude, who's going to beat him? Sleepy Joe? You think Sleepy Joe? Sleepy Joe.

Dude, first of all, how fake is the fact that they're all running all tooth and nail, then what, they just drop out? You're telling me they're in charge of their political careers and then like all of them just tap how what is that that's the democratic party so they're just they're just kind of being allowed to run a little bit yeah so it doesn't look like somebody's dude i watched a wild documentary uh last night about that oh what was it called the the guy put it on the reddit what the fuck was this thing called uh quit the quigley formula okay pretty tight he was talking about you know bill clinton's history teacher that i think he's saying he's like kevin quigley no i don't

so kevin quigley bill clinton's history teacher no kevin quigley uh was the historian. He studied secret societies. So he apparently wrote a book. It was called Desperate. I was on the phone with Billy on the way down here. He was hitting me with some secret society talk. Dude, well, take this. All roads lead to anti-Semitism. Don't do it.

No, dude, it's not. Just get ready. No, this is not at all. I heard where the trail ends. No, no, no, no. This actually makes the most sense out of anything i've ever heard all right and this is kind of this is what i this is personally what i think's happening because you know the illuminati did form in 1776 right that no that's documented bro this guy's a historian it's documented it got busted apart people like yo knock this shit off illuminati or like freemasons or what it was called the

literally the illuminati yeah i think the freemasons came afterwards maybe but not sure but yes there's you know there's literally the illuminati just secrets it's like if you're super rich you're like yo how are we going to keep all of our money it's yeah pretty understandable i would do it if i could honestly yeah if someone would conspire with me to keep a couple thousand bucks i'd go to that builderberg and be like all right what do we got to do yeah what do we got to do guys where are the secret you and me are the illuminati of philly podcast dude guess how this works we we prop people up we can also destroy them dude it's the it's called the ring it's the ring system so you know you know the road scholar right yeah the roads so roads was a south african guy who was just like one of the wealthiest dudes in the world and

apparently he had seven wills and he didn't leave money. He didn't leave that much money to his kids from, you know, what this guy was talking about, but he set up the Rhodes scholarship thing, which was a recruiting thing for, he, he wanted to start a secret society, which really all it is, is just putting people. So you have the inner, inner ring. And then that's just like, you know, that's two or three people who are like, yo, this is what's going down this is what we're doing and then you have like you know say there's three people then you get like 25 people like yo you guys are the inner circle you never tell them that you the other people are actually the inner circle and you're like here's what we want to do

you guys are all in on this and then they get like 40 to 50 to 100 more people to be like yo i need you guys to do this and that's how it ring rings. It's Amway. Huh? It's like Amway. Sort of, yeah. Very much like that. It's like a big, sick pyramid scheme. And then that's pretty much the whole thing. You just have people who are paying. Pyramid, huh? Both. What are you talking about?

Are you talking about the period? I don't know. Yeah, so it's not anti-Semitic at all. It's just. No, no, no. I wasn't talking about that. I was saying that's a symbol for the Illuminati. I mean.

Dude, so this fucking guy. They love showing their symbolism, dude. They get off on it. Well, that's when Bill Clinton apparently like shouted out his history professor. The guy was saying like, yeah, it seems sweet.

He's like, oh, I love my history professor. But he's like, that guy wrote two books. One of them was called Hope and Tragedy and the other one was called something about

the Anglo-Saxon America. But it's like boring. It's like apparently like just facts and dates. It's super boring. And then there's, but it's like boring. It's like apparently like just facts and dates. It's super boring. And then there's chunks where it's like this guy was invited to document these societies. And he's like, this is what I found. He's like, actually, this is sick.

I don't know why they're secret. What they're trying to do is just they're trying to unite the world under a world government. This is awesome. So they're saying that's what these – it's just a bunch of rich people trying to gain dominion over the entire world. No big. Which is consistent with history. The idea that like, we're just all of a sudden not ruled anymore is weird. People are like, no, we, uh, you know, we vote. And, uh, it's like, okay.

Yeah. I agree with all that. So it's not a big, it's not like a huge, massive conspiracy, but the guy, the historian is so fucking funny. Cause he started his own, like he wants to start his own society. So he wants symbols and everything because he, like, loves all that shit. So he took the peace sign, which is obviously the upside-down broken cross, satanic symbol, and it was used by the Russians to denuclearize America. Anyway, so then he turned it upside down. Oh, boy.

He turned it upside down, and he's like, and this was a cool symbol, but then, drat, I realized upside down. Oh, boy. He turned it upside down. And he's like, and this was a cool symbol. But then, drat, I realized this was actually a Nazi symbol. Dog, drat. So he's like, I added a little head. It's called, like, the Freedom Initiative. It's so funny. So I added a little head.

You know, now I took the symbol. And honestly, originally, he uses, like, swastika and stuff. He's like, I mean, ancient symbols. You know, they kind of took it. Dude, I was reading this last night, dying. It's so funny. This guy rolled out a symbol. It was like, fat, drat.

Damn it. It's a Nazi symbol. Damn it. Yeah, and he also, he's not a big fan of global warming. Not a big fan. He doesn't believe in that? No, he doesn't. And not to mistake with pollution.

He goes, pollution's real. He's like, I just don't buy the carbon, the whole thing that carbon's heating the earth. He goes, that's just a way to tax people heavily so this is this is where the guy i was kind of like all right bro going ham so pretty funny but yeah that shit was pretty interesting how he talked about how the road scholarship was this guy he had a will and if you read like his letters and his wills or whatever he's saying like i want to set up i want to his whole thing was like the british race is the best race in the world and we have to make sure that the world falls under the dominion of the british race and that's where the road scholarships comes from and that's on apparently that's like on the record

of this guy saying that so the road scholars is is to identify who could potentially you know fulfill the rhodesian view of like you have to write essays and stuff and you have to be in line with like that you know english shit rules and i'm gonna help keep that going pretty tight pretty tight pretty tight well yeah when you said that we do have basically secret society yeah man the podcast network is it just rings upon rings upon rings yeah just prop them up you don't know that's the thing you don't they're all puppet podcasts and you don't name it there's no name for it we do have chat digital but we can we can they're all puppet governments we can fight we can we can replace any one of them we could fade we could fade dirty deeds dorian could be in one of them true we could sub out somebody dude wait till dirty deeds is here record dude dude when i was in, we were getting shit on. I mean, the story you told me hurt me to hear.

He was so, he killed it all day. Setting up all the mics, or setting up the cameras, or doing all this shit. He's going to come back and finish. We go to Walmart, and he just is like, I got to stop and get cream for my snake. I'm on like five hours of sleep in five days, and I just stand in Walmart and I'm like, what? He had to get some snake wax. That's what I'm saying. I was like, what are you?

He's like, my snake was too close to light. Skin started to dry. So I need to get like iodine, some sort of weird formula. And I was just like, okay. Oh my God. That's cool. And I was like, I'll check it. I'll wait in line for you.

And then I'll, you know, hop in. Walmart, Saturday. It was fucking mayhem and it was crazy which walmart columbus boulevard south philly mayhem bro it was a tough walmart too great they stopped the self-checkout they took it away i bet they did dude i was i was punishing that thing so like dude that must have people were robbing that yeah walmart probably checked their quarter thing was like holy fuck we're losing millions yeah every there must have been i would say 70 percent of 60 percent of people in the south philly walmart were stealing from self-checkout and dude it was nobody gave the security did not give they literally could they caught me yeah how

could they and they're i was like oops and they were like what's this i'm like i must have forgot that they're like you forgot like nine things i'm like oh weird i was like well i'll be out of here but dude the uh having to wait for somebody to get fucking cream for their fucking dry snake would that would rip me and that would kill me on three hours of sleep oh my god and the whole thing too is like he's helping me set up. So I'm like just so grateful. And then he hits me with that. And I was just like, all right, I'll wait in line.

So then I check out. I get through and everything. And I'm just waiting there like a dickhead. So I'm like, all right, let me get back in line. So then, you know, we don't have to wait again. Because I have to get home. I've been gone for like six hours. So we get back in line.

And then he has like the little, he has like the producer's table. So he brings it up. And then we get through this long-ass fucking line. The lady is just like – you know, like the cashier just literally looks like she's just like looking to like burn herself. And she just looks at the table and she goes – she's like, doesn't have a sticker. Sorry. And it's next. And I was like, what the fuck?

And I was like, well – I literally asked my words. I was like, what the fuck? And she was was like you have to go get another one i was like motherfucker so dorian's like i'll get it i'll get it so he goes to get it so there's like three people in line it's good dorian oh dirty deezers he i'm telling you this dude was on the ball he just has a dry snake dude he needs to fucking he's a neosporin on his bella dude he's put some neosporin on the california king so he he fucking runs scurries grabs his table and the guy behind me gives me like a little like fucking like so i'm like i'm looking at this guy like i'm gonna i'm gonna but i'm in my head i'm like i'm

gonna fucking kill everybody in here right now i was furious and then so then the guy who last scoffed at me you should have just bought a gun. I should have, but I'll be back. You could have walked over, bought a gun, checked out, turned around and shot the guy. I should have. Even like a pellet gun. Sick move. Pellet gun.

Yeah, quick BBs. That would be nice, like between the maternity section, just sticking out a barrel and sniping people. I got in a wild, real wild incident in Bridgeport. I almost fought a guy. Really? Yeah, yeah got an elevator late like after the show hotel elevator me and the wood man and this this black dude was in there and we got in after him so like he held the door kind of or like you know he didn't hold the door but he

put arm broke the plane didn't put an arm what no but we got in there and he was like you guys are lucky i'm not racist. What? And I thought he was just joking because maybe he hit the doors stay open. Yeah. So I was like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then he was like, I'll put fucking hands on you right now. What? And we were like, what?

Why? And he was like, because you're white. He was like, I'll fuck you up because you're white. But he's not racist? Yeah, I know. Wait, what? Dude, you know you're racist, right? Is that what you told him?

No, but then Wood got off. Because I was on the 7th, he was on the 4th. So Wood just left me in there with this guy. What the fuck? Second act of cowardice. From the Wood man. That's two fights that he walked away from. He left you on the elevator with a hate primer?

Truthfully, Wood thought the guy was kidding. Yeah, yeah. We both thought he was kidding. And then right when the door started to close, when Wood was leaving, that guy started, like, really getting after me. Really? Yeah, he was just talking about how much he hates white people and wants to fuck us up. Good for him, though. I was just like, all right, man.

Good for him getting it out. He was like, you're lucky I'm not racist. And I was like, yep, I am. Thank you. Big dude? No. In an elevator, I had a pretty good chance of mauling that dude. Yeah.

Especially me and the woodman. Oh, for sure. It was two big guys in that fucking elevator. We would have hate-crimed him. He had to be real fucked up. He was kind of sweaty. That would have been so funny. If you guys fought, and they're like, what happened?

They're like, you clearly beat this man up. No, he said he hated white people and attacked us. They're like, yeah, okay. This guy has no hair. Especially a mug shot of wood and then me with my thing. They Googled me real quick. They're like, let us have that. You would have came out with a mini noose around your neck and bleach on your shirt.

No, I swear. I should have jussied. You should have. That was basically a reverse jussie. That was a reverse Smollett, dude. You should have, dude. You should have bumped in like, ah reverse Jussie. That was a reverse Smollett, dude. You should have, dude. You should have bumped in like, ah, ah, ah. Yeah, it was wild, though.

I haven't experienced that before. Just a dude being like, I'll fuck you up because you're white. I was like, all right. But then he said he's not because he's not. So he thinks about fucking white people all day. And I was like, why? He's like, because people put hands on me because I'm light skinned. And I was like, so black people

beat you up because you're light skinned? Like, what? What did you ask? Did you entertain them? No, I asked a little bit. I was like, wait, why would you

beat us up? And he's like, because you're white. I was like, okay. Fair enough. And then he just kept talking. I was like, all right, man. He gets fucked up

because he's light skinned? Yeah. Damn. Ludacris is light skinned. Wild. He's cool. Yeah. That's what I told him.

Yeah. But dude, Ludacris is light skinned.. Wild. Yeah, that's what I told him. Yeah, Ludacris is light-skinned. He's killing it. Yeah. But yeah, it was a wild weekend. Do you think Ludo wants to beat us up? Yes. I've thought about it.

Ludo definitely wants to beat up white people. I mean, dude, if you were black, would you not want to beat up white people? I want to beat up white people. I know. I have beaten up white people. I to beat up white people i know i i would when i live i have beaten up white people i remember i would live near temple when i lived near temple uh i would like when i'd see the students would come back all summer everybody chilling and then you would see these like it was very close to zombies like 20 year old college white kids would start walking around and you'd be like what the fuck is this and you're like oh shit they're back from school

and i was like damn if i was black i mean i like, damn, if I was black, I mean, I hated them anyway. I was like, damn, if I was black, I would hate these fucking kids. If I had like, if people were telling me, like if I was experiencing gentrification, I would, yeah. Also too, if you're like, so if you're like living in a neighborhood, nothing's going that well, like you're struggling. And then you see these kids like come, throw up, party, and then they're just like managers.

They're just like, well, that was fun. Now they're just like your boss. You're like, what the fuck? All of them are like, I live in the fucking ghetto. It's fucking horrible where I live. It's like, well, they walk around. This is where I have my kids. They walk around.

They're like, I'm so fucking broke. You're like, you're literally walking by Section 8 housing, dude. Like, oh, my God. I resent Section 8 housing, dude. Like, oh my God. I resent them. Yeah, it's pretty funny. I'm glad that guy didn't beat you guys up. Hate crime, you guys. That would have actually been pretty sick.

If he would have fucking punched wood. If he would have punched wood in the face and then got off the elevator, I would have laughed so fucking hard, dude. If wood got hate crime. If the wood man got hate crime. Also, that's something you kind of got to hold. It's a white dude. You can't claim hate crime.

Nobody's trying to fucking hear it. No one on earth would have listened to that. Yeah, that would have been. He was hitting us with that hard. I like that rationale, though. It's like, look, I hate fucking white people, but you're lucky I'm not racist. And therefore, meaning you're lucky I don't beat the fuck out of white. That's what being racist is.

Yeah. Thoughts? You're allowed to actively tell people you don't like them because they're white. Yeah, but – As long as you don't put hands on them. Once you put hands on them, you're – He was. He must have been like, dude, it's on site with the next white person I see.

Me and Wood got in there, and he was probably like, all right, next ones. These two dudes. These two giant ones. But, yeah, Wood, that's a lot. Wood's a lot to take, dude. Yeah. I love him, but uh that's a lot wood's a lot to take dude yeah i love him but that's the time i thought i was like all right nice we'll just i have one room for the weekend two beds we can pull this off i lasted thursday got a new one right away the wood man's uh you gotta get your own suite anyway man yeah you have to but it's weirder and weirder sharing a room with like a grown man as you get older.

Just this drama the whole weekend. Really? Just wood. Wood. Wood drama. Just like, oh, man, this fucking thing. I got to get home and get the podcast on Monday. I got to do this.

It's like, dude, shut the fuck up about the podcast. He's doing it, man. He's doing it. He's doing great. It is funny. It is, man man it's fucking hilarious dude the zoo is sick yeah me and woodman went to the zoo i took him to the mall and he got a little pouty at the mall what was he pouting about it's so fucking funny all right so a fan

oh fuck it oh who cares it's not a big deal to say this it's funny as fuck uh a fan i guess was dming with the Woodman. Yeah. And the Woodman, of course, is very gracious. Sure. Super excited that anybody's talking to him. He's like, yeah, dude, I fucking love you. Keep listening to the podcast.

He has a bunch of grade schoolers that hit him up. They're high schoolers listening to his podcast. Oh, God. It's like, hi, I guess it's okay. You guys are here listening. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But if that's true, those are... Keep in mind, Woodman is a big time horse feeder. You think he's a feeder?

He could be horse feeding. True. He's a feeder. You got to keep the feeding in mind. So we're at the mall and all of a sudden I look over and Wood's like devastated. This is the third time this trip he's done it. He's been devastated. Where like I look at him trip he's done it. He's been devastated. Where I look at him and he's just devastated and forces you to be like, what?

Like, what's wrong? So this time what was getting his goat was, I guess one of his fans had DM'd Nick Mullen. Uh-huh. And was like, screenshotted how he and Wood had interacted. Sure. Sent that screenshot to Mullen and was like, see this guy how he and Wood had interacted. Sure. Sent that screenshot to Mullen and was like, see this guy,

he runs a great podcast. This is how he interacts with fans. He's gracious. He's nice. This is how you should be. And Mullen responded, that guy's probably a dumbass. I already know everything.

Something like that. And then the fan screenshotted that and sent that to the Woodman. And he was like, I don't know. What do I do, dude? How do I handle this? I was like, I don't know. Like, what do I do, dude? Like, how do I handle this? I was like, shut the fuck up.

You don't have to handle anything. It's fine. Mullen doesn't know you. He's not shitting on you. He's just bothering that fan. You should have stoked up the beef, dude. That would be a nice beef, Woodman v. Mullen. That would be a wild beef.

That would be tight. We need some beefs, dude. That would be a good beef. This is in a ring call. Calm down for his oral presentation. This is in the ring. Calm down. First world presentations might be the beef. That'd be a horrible Pandora's box to open. No, no beefs. We don't want it.

Definitely not. But the fucking response Mullen gave that fan, just being like, I already know everything. That guy's probably a dumbass. Made me laugh so hard. Especially because Woods saw it. It was just like, oh. I'm in a sticky situation here.

It's like, no, dude. I was like, you're not at all. He's like, so what do I do here? I don't know. And I was like, dude, just nothing. Literally nothing. And I'm mad that you're upset about this. You should have a picture with a gun immediately, bro.

Yeah. Picture two guns on your chest, dude. So then I just took him to the zoo from the mall. On the way home, I was like, oh, yeah, the zoo's close. Take the wood man out. Let him see some animals chill him out you're gonna chill him out for me you called it dumbass it is i do feel badly exposing people to like online just stuff it's dude i'm telling you man it's fucking fukushima you're like if you're dealing online it's like fucking working in a chemical plant.

You're just working with personality waste of just like, fucking piece of shit. There's like a growing faction of people that no matter what I put out, they're like, fucking faggot. Every time, I'm like, you motherfucker. Oh, my God. Oh, I didn't even tell you this. So when I was at, when I got scoffed at by the guy

at walmart who i'm like fuck this fucking guy he comes up with like seven items rings up the first four and then he puts up a big mega roll of paper towels and it was like 1934 or whatever it came out to be he goes what and they're like it'll be 1930 he's like for these paper towels is that for everything like no it's just for the paper towels he goes he just literally put his hands up he goes i don't want any i don't want it all right you want me to take the paper towels off and he was like i don't want any of my stuff and just left all of his stuff and walked away wow and that was that was the guy who laughed at me and i was like what the fuck and then deeds came back up finally with the snake lotion yeah because they let us hold our place so deeds came back he never found his snake lotion pray for deeds a snake dude it's still dry oh there's no snake lotion. Yeah, because they let us hold our place. So Deeds came back. He never found his snake lotion. Pray for

Deeds' snake, dude. It's still dry. Oh, there's no snake lotion. I don't know. He might have got it, but that day his snake was still dry, so prayers for the snake. The constrictor still has eczema or whatever the fuck is going on with this snake, dude. Yeah, we should have him

move the snake into the studio, dude. That'd be sick to have a boa in here. To have a boa in here would be awesome. We actually might have to get a boa in here anyway. We should get tons of reptiles in here. We should get a bunch of snakes in here, dude. They get spooky. Just have a boa on us at all times.

Oh, man. That guy that fucking did that is awesome. Abandoning all your goods at Walmart. Dude, scoffing at someone in front of you and then being like, paper towels are priced too high. I'm out of here. That guy is wild, dude. He left all the stuff he-

What did he look like? What was he rocking? What was the gear on this guy? It was just like a black geezer. Oh, it was a black geezer. It was a black geezer just like wearing like a turtleneck and like a bubble vest, just fucking- Damn, a black geezer scoffed at you?

Dude, we're getting crushed by black people this week damn yeah man yeah we have he better start stocking up dude coronis is coming for the geese dude oh yeah although i think black people are immune to it they were trying to rumor dude when i was watching george stefanochalus's fear-mongering that he uh dude all it was was just like they brought in a health expert was like, tell us about coronavirus. And the lady's like, we don't really know anything. But yeah, so probably affect minorities. And I was like, what the fuck they're saying? So they're saying the minority geezers are going to Corona out.

But it's like they have no fucking idea. Everybody's going to miss their uncle Charles. That's all Corona is. It's going to be the both of us guys. Just touch everybody. The geezer apocalypse is on its way. I'm still fucked up. I'm missing Uncle Charles, dude.

Uncle Charles is going to be missing, dude. He's cronies is coming. They're all going to be going up the mountain in all white cows. That's all because some lady was munching bats, dude. Yeah, I kind of wouldn't mind. Dude, if I get cronies, that's good PR for me. Oh, dude, you should fake cronies. I almost want cronies.

Quarantine yourself, dude. Dude, just so I can tweet. Just be like, all right, we're even. Dude. China, you and me are even. I made fun of you guys, and then I got cronies. You guys poisoned my immune system with your nonsense. You guys were fucking munching bats, dude.

How funny is it that we got in trouble for saying Chinese food is dishonest cuisine, and then it literally might end the world? You're like, no, it's not. It's fine. It's cool. Which means what's wrong? There's videos online of dudes just crushing mice. It's like, holy shit, dude.

I mean, that's got to be crazy to come here. You're running a restaurant, and you're just kind of like, you go to a pet store, and you're like, wait, I can get like 1,000 of these things? You're like, fuck, dude. Like, wait, mice? Because chicken here is like, what is it now, like 350 a pound, like chicken breast? Oh, okay. I don't know. I thought50 a pound? Like chicken breast? Oh, okay. I don't know. I thought you were talking like an actual chicken.

Oh, no. Like chicken breast. It's cheap. So mice here is just snake food. So it's not really. It's probably cheaper. It's like whey protein. I was talking about in China.

Not Chinese restaurants here. But yeah, true. If you're coming from China where it's acceptable to munch those things. That's what I'm saying. You walk into a pet shop and just like damn getting this good over here so you'll feed it to a snake you're just like one of the snake yeah it's like twix that is funny though to be like that i think they're trying to say now they're like nobody munch bats.

Oh, yeah. That was they tried that from the start to be like, that's just a rumor. Yeah, there's no bat. And then it's like, but it did come from probably the Wuhan food market where. People are munching bats. Maybe they're saying like somebody's munching. They're munching wild shit. Yeah.

Someone might have been like munching a turtle and then a bat. I've munched turtle. I've munching wild shit. Yeah, someone might have been munching a turtle and then a bat. I've munched a turtle. I've munched one. Yeah, someone's probably munching a turtle and then just a bat touched it or something. And then they kind of like, you know, might have grabbed his leg and get a little nibble on it. Dude, they munch wild shit. That's okay. You're allowed to laugh, dude.

They're selling crickets now. They're selling crickets now at Whole Foods-type grocery stores. So you can munch crickets. They're saying, like, this is the new responsible protein. It's cricket powder. It's like, dude, get the fuck

out of my face with that. Not doing it. Dude, you eat crickets? I've eaten a cricket. Have you? Yeah. I don't think I have. There's a place called the Whitaker center that we used to go

to on a field trip and they always sold like lollipops with like a grasshopper inside of it okay that's when i munched them you munched yeah i would munch them did you get any kind i just was stoked i was allowed to do something wild at school i was like dude i'm gonna eat a fucking bug at school from the it was like a tootsie. Yeah, it was like a clear lollipop with a fucking bug in it that you actually munched. That's pretty cool. It's not bad.

At the Whitaker Center. That's also a disgusting farm to think of where you just have a cricket mill. You just have them. Then you just grind them up. What noise do crickets make? Just grind them up. What noise do crickets make? Just fucking... Just grind them up.

Yeah. It's pretty horrifying. We gotta go to... It's like a warehouse of bugs. When this all clears up, you and me are taking a trip to the Wuhan market. Yeah. And we are munching.

You wanna munch something? I wanna munch something. I gotta hankering for bugs when I was a kid. I can't even imagine munching it. Dude, that picture somebody posted, I don't even know if it's real, but just a full bat in soup is so fucking funny.

Not even remotely cooked. And just literally a bat just laying in soup. Just like... Oh, man. Yeah, man, that's a fuck up, man. If you're like... I also, dude, I don't think...

I think he's being blown out of abortion yeah i do too i think it's being way but like dude i was at uh my school today at the school i i work at and people some dude was like i gotta go into quarantine someone i know parents call me said they have it i'm about to put myself in front of what dude yeah you put yourself in a quarantine live stream, that would be tight. Stay in for like three days. I have some cool shows coming up. South by Southwest just got canceled. That would have been sick.

Dude, I was ready to go to battle. Oh, yeah. South by was just me versus pretty much everybody I called gay. Damn. It was going to be a wild trip, dude. I probably would have went in my room and cried the whole time. No. Everybody's actually mean.

Everyone would have been like. The industry's mean whole time. No, people would. Everybody's actually mean. Everyone would have been like. The industry's mean to me. Oh, it's so fucking. They are. The industry's mean, dude. Well, now that Mel Gibson cracked them open, knowing that they're just fucking pedophiles. True. I got a link with fucking Mel and Vince Vaughn, dude.

For sure. Just elite dogs rolling. You have to. That's the goal. Definitely going. The goal is to get big enough that I can chill with Vince Vaughn and Mel Gibson. And toss in some Alex Jones. You you could actually you could probably chill well no gibson you you can't get a hold of gibbs no yeah actually that's true can't get a hold of you can't get a hold of him i almost got in a fight with o'connor about that because

what we had a couple a couple drinks and o'connor was on his... I was just making fun of him for saying Tom Cruise is the best. He thinks Tom Cruise is top five best actors of all time. What? Yeah. I was like, dude, he's not better than Mel Gibson. No fucking way he's not. And they're on the same level, at least. I would say, yeah.

What's Tom Cruise been in that's knocked his... He's got some bangers, dude. Yeah. He's got a lot. But most of them are kind of fucking corny. It's all like 90s dialogue. Yeah. Where they're pretty corny.

Yeah, he's a good actor and all. For sure. He's no Leo DiCaprio. He's no Leo, bro. He's no fucking... Asterix. He's no Tom Hardy, bro. No Tom Hardy.

No Daniel Day. I was hitting him with all these. I was like, who's... Tom Hanks, dude. Daniel Day. I mean, Daniel Day is unquestioned. Tom Hanks might be a ped pedophile. No Tom Hardy. No Daniel Day. I was hitting him with all these. I was like, who's... Tom Hanks, dude. Daniel Day? I mean, Daniel Day is unquestioned. Tom Hanks might be a pedophile, but he's a good actor. Hanks, possible pedophile.

Separate art from the pedophile. I always separate art from the pedophile. Man, that's all you can do in Hollywood, dude. Yo, have you listened to that fucking Chasing Cosby at all? No, what's that? It's a podcast about Bill Cosby and his shenanigans, dude. What was he doing he was bro really we would like joke i remember you had a you have a good fucking cosby joke

yeah i'm gonna steal it eventually take it almost stole it this week dude freeze it's open so this is open so my comedy is open source dude thank you take anything um yeah you'll hear people like joke about cosby but then you listen to the fucking accusations. It's like, whoa, dude. He was drugging chicks, right? He was drugging them. See, I thought the way I just imagined it was in the 70s or 80s or whatever. It was cool at a party to dose it.

I don't know. That's how people were like, that was fine back then. You could definitely get chicks drunk. Back then, it was like, give her a couple extra vodkas. Exactly. That's what I thought it was. Like, at a party, he would, like, kind of... I didn't know he was knocking them out totally with these drugs.

And also, like, fully, like, would have someone bring them a drink in, like, his hotel room. He would, like... It wasn't... It was fucked up. So, there was, like, a conspiracy kind of a, like... Yes. He had, like, partners in this? He had, like, a dude... Like fucked up so there was like a conspiracy kind of a like yes he had like partners and he had like a dude like somebody who worked like for him so and then also it's built like this dude must have been able to get pussy so at this point this is like

a weird fetish he was just into it like there was one girl one girl's well now they're all ladies but they're like you know they're like crying and shit talking about and they're like it fucked me up like and he was always like helping them he was always their like mentor and then he would fucking drug them yeah dude what the fuck and they would they would wake up hours late one lady said she woke up with like blood was running down her leg because he fucking he sodomized her oh well she was dude man making that like pinched in cosby face yeah dude it was no good dude ever like and they shut it down hollywood hollywood was trying to shut it down dude well he was yeah with his money he was able to be like and and the one one mom was like recording the phone calls so cosby raped this girl and then he called her mom and was like i'll

set up a trust fund for like a college fund for she's gotta have good grades but i'll set that up for we can i love how he still throws in the good yeah he's still like once once a huxtable always a huxtable bro who wants a fucking wholesome tv dad yeah it was it's fucked up imagine if like that would be like uh danny tanner taking like a wholesome tv dad you just like danny tanner was like danny tanner fuck what's his name uh he's also bob saget's a motherfucker yeah that's what i mean saget might be out there wiling dude i mean he doesn't have the cloud i think he's no he doesn't have the cloud for chemical bondage like mr cosby

mr cosby was fucked up dude yeah it was bad dude listen to that podcast like the whole time i because i'm i'm shitty so like i'll hear like accusations like that and i'll be like yeah whatever fucking it probably wasn't that bad. And then, dude, you listen to that, it's like, ah, that was pretty bad. Sodomizing past outfits? And then I read some of the wine scene ones, brutal. Really? Yeah, dude.

I mean, the fact, you know. I mean, you gotta figure, if you're taking down one of these guys, they did it. For the most part. one of these guys they did it for the most like if you're getting them on like multiple if you're bringing down a fucking 100 millionaire like he's worth hundreds of millions yeah he's he did it true there's no way they could have wiggled out yeah damn dude i mean you know as a fucking as a dinka warrior dude that nothing fires me up like here and Cosby. I know as a black conservative like yourself, dude, find this out.

Yeah. It's that fucks me up. It's a tough one. It gets me fired up, dude. I never watched the Cosby show. I didn't give a fuck. I never,

I never even listened to him stand up. I heard it was good. I was never a Cosby fan, dude. I heard one of his bits. I'd see him being like, and I was always like, I don't really get it,

man. Hey man, maybe, you know, judge it. It's just judge a character. It's our intuition. True. Being like, something's off. Something's wrong here. Something's stunk. I saw him. I said always like, I don't really get it, man. Hey, man, maybe, you know, judge it. It's just judge a character. It's our intuition. True.

Being like, something's off. Something's wrong here. Something's stunk. I saw him. I said, look, I don't fucking buy it. Clean comic, dude. You got to watch out for those boys. You do.

Something's going on. Something's going on. Weird boy. You're like, I can't say any curse words. What are you doing, bro? Yeah, bro. What the fuck are you up to? Yeah.

Look at how nice I am. Yeah, that's fucked up, dude. Yeah. I didn't mean to tarnish the woodman's name you didn't tarnish the boy boy woodman's an emotional creature woodman is an emo boy he is an emotional creature dude he's a tortured artist he is a tortured artist i fucking love his podcast it is fucking hilarious it is so funny man i but like i said dude i haven't been to the zoo in a while zoos are where it's at what do you what animals you say uh there's tigers there's a some sort of fucked up like south american wolf it was just real shitty it was endangered it's like all right good yeah get rid of that thing i think it's done yeah what's like it looks like a coyote

uh no it looked like a fucking hyena with like long blonde hair. Pretty hot. Oh, nice. Pretty sexy. No, it was an ugly fucking dog with like a hunchback. It was just walking around. They were all out walking around too, dude. What?

Zoo was empty. It was cold out, but the animals were fired up. Really? Yeah, dude. Damn. Yeah. It was funny too, because all the birds they had were like fucked up. So all the birds that had been like, you couldn't put them back in the wild.

They were all fucked up. And the bald eagle had, like, his own cage with no – there was no net above him. He was just sitting there trying so hard to fly. He had one wing. Fuck, man. This bald eagle with one wing trying to, like, hop. He was right across the trail from the tiger cage. I was like, dude, I hope one day that eagle gets moving. Just lands

straight in the tiger cage. Gets ripped up. He'd rather die a warrior's death. Just like that fucking senator. Are they just studding that eagle out? What do you mean? Probably just using it for its reproductive capabilities. I mean, they're probably just putting it in there

because it's cool looking. That's a zoo. One-armed eagle? Yeah. That's what's up. He had a dinged wing, dude. He was still trying to fly, though. It was pretty funny. He was, like, hopping off a rock.

It was actually, like, pretty sad because you could see him looking in the – he was looking at, like, trees in the sky. Like, he was looking at, like, birds flying by. Yeah, he's supposed to be, like, 300 feet higher than he is. Yeah, he's supposed to kill these – yeah, dude, watching, like, little kids try to, try to like, they were like jumping up against the glass with this jaguar. The jaguar was jumping at the glass at them.

What the fuck? I was like, damn, dude. This is some bullshit, dude. Yeah, it is. Every one of those tigers just kept looking at kids like, I should eat that. It was nice. Damn. It was fun to watch, dude.

That is fun. Zoo trip. Zoo trips are sick. When the zoos respond, is might be as exciting as something can get or when the animals respond oh yeah it sucks when they're being lazy pieces of shit when you go to a zoo pieces of shit they're all just like they're so used to getting taunted that if you like make a noise they don't even fucking look at you yeah yeah but there was two baby leopards that were just born that were they were playing with the little kids little kids

were in like cost like they were wearing with the little kids. Little kids were in like, they were wearing like tiger outfits and like jumping around the glass and the baby, the kitten leopards were like jumping up and playing with them.

That's pretty cool. Really, really fun times. Me and the wood man just walked around like a couple of pedophiles staring at kids. You see the primate house? Yeah, we did.

It was good, man. Look. Primate house is shit. I saw the gorillas fuck me up, man. There were no gorillas. Really? There's just little tiny shitty ones. Philadelphia Zoo It was good, man. Look. Private house is shit. I saw the gorillas fuck me up, man. There were no gorillas. Really? There's just little tiny shitty ones.

Philadelphia Zoo has some good gorillas, dude. I don't like monkeys. I don't like monkeys. Really? I like gorillas. Gorillas are sick. They do. They look too smart.

You see them in there and the gorilla is just kind of like looking and the little kids would do the same thing. The gorilla would charge the glass. Dude, this is so sad, dude. This is so sad. It is sad. I was happy to read the sign that the birds were ding so sad dude this is so sad it is sad i was happy to read the sign that the birds were dinged up though otherwise it's sad yeah seeing a fucking bald eagle locked up dude that's not america that's not i would have freed it

personally it's not 1776 yeah personally i would have freed it but i tried i tried all right what else we got what do we got dude i am what'd, I am. What'd you say? What do you got going on over there? I finally busted my first post-kid nut. Oh. Dude. But no sex, obviously. Okay. Talking, I jerked it. Oh, yeah.

How long do you have to go without having sex? Oh, forever. I don't know. Like a long time. Forever again, dude. Well, they ask you. They're like, what's your form of birth control you're going to do? Because apparently when women, after they have a baby, they highly fertile for a little they have like a window where they're

super fertile and you don't want to back to back them yeah damages the damages the broad put bathe put bathe and for the kid too you gotta let the placenta build up a little bit bay's been through the ringer so i'm like so now it's like sex it's like it's like a lot of bay you can't go back on birth control because you can't go on certain birth controls while you're breastfeeding. So now it's like, you know, we have a couple more weeks, obviously. We can chill. But it feels like, dude, that first time having sex again is going to be scary. I told her we're going to go. It's going to be nice.

Oh, it's going to be awesome. Yeah. But it's like you can't use birth control. And, you know, we're not, either of us are not really into using condoms like that. So you're playing with it. At that point, you see what happened. So when you have sex now, it's like, oh, you know, you're risking it all. Yeah.

Which, you know, whatever. I'm fine with it. I'm going to go through that again. Yeah. So it's like. Dude, how do these people have like seven kids? Well, it's addicting. What, having a kid?

Yeah. Oh. It's addicting. It's addicting. So like you have them and you're like, dude, it's the most. It's like a, almost like like a weird like psychedelic experience you just all of a sudden they're like they bring a person you're like what the fuck and then like all day long your brain's just in this loop where you're like i want to go home and see this person i want to go home and see this person oh wow and then you see them and every time you look at them you're just overwhelmed with joy

your body just literally tricks you into this where it's nice it's what it's the best in the world yeah so you just walk around all day like every time i open my phone it's just my screensaver i look i'm like my heart just totally it's bizarre oh oh dude it's it's the best dude you're gay so gay you're gay for your kid dude dude girl dad dude hashtag girl dad like you are a girl dad girl dad like kobe bro chill someone sent me a card and uh they're like you're a hashtag girl dad and I was like yeah I was like Brittany what the fuck's a girl dad and their family sent me a card you're a girl dad bro I am basically you guys should have done a gender reveal should have don't have been sick should have no but dude it was uh so yeah so I when you when you get out of the

hospital I just I there's no real time like Like, when am I going to jerk off? It just seems like a crazy thing to do. So I was super – I was, like, seven days, maybe longer, super backed up. And, like, watching porn is weird now because I'm, like, I don't know. Somebody's kid. It's all – every fucking porn-up thing is just stepsister, sister, daughter, daughter, stepdaughter. It's like, Jesus fucking Christ, man. That's what – you know before where you think you're watching a stepdaughter and then it turns out to be daughter and you're like

i can let this slide now i'm like nope then i'm like paranoid i'm like get up because my i can do screen sharing to the tv i'm all paranoid on my phone like what if i was watching that and then it's screen shared downstairs like my fucking mother-in-law my wife oh my god it's just like daddy and i was like dude so i'm like looking at porn's like no no no no no no no no no their only thing the only stud fucks beautiful black mother-in-law yeah the only the only thing is safe now you just cut off george sudacolis she's just like what no see i finally cracked one off Damn did both of them

Motherfuck you ever Combined? You ever get tag teamed By both of them? No Two black queens Just coming down on you It hasn't dude

Thank god That's devastating In my old setup My ex-wife I've definitely had Two black queens It's like when Kane and Undertaker

Teamed up They were tough Oh dude That's a tough team With my ex-wife They would team up on me And try to get me To get a serious job All the time And it was just like shut the fuck up make you get a job they were

constantly trying to make me get a job and i was like fuck you guys dude i was killing it i was making plenty of money they're like you should like start getting a real job and i would just i'm gonna start a podcast you guys have no idea i want to become a personal trainer oh that was when you were doing personal training? I was a personal trainer for two weeks at LA Fitness, dude. I had to come home to my two black queens and be like, I made it two weeks and I quit. Dude, I quit so fucking hard. Dude, I lasted longer at West Point.

I got yelled at for wearing fucking cargo pants. I got yelled at the whole time at West Point, dude. The guy told me I couldn't wear cargo pants and I was at the point in my life where I'm like, well, this is fucking bullshit. That's a Scotty, dude. You were a Scotty. Big time, dude. Someone said no cargo pants at work. You're like, well, that's not fair.

I was like, where am I going to hide my fucking keys in my wallet, dude? Where am I going to carry a water bottle in my pocket? Yeah, I got busted for cargoes,gos and i was like this is fucking bullshit dude i can't take this so yeah having having a mother living with a mother-in-law wife is i've done it i've done it like full time it's wild this time it's awesome dude this is a good it's a good setup i want an intergenerational household so bad it's the way it's the way you should do it no we had we had my fucking grandma in the house yeah well i'm talking about when they're in their useful years

you should say my grandma was useless i mean functionally yeah no she was we're just waiting her out we just coronavirus was we needed it have you seen the commercials for hospice yet no yeah dude watch daytime tv they commercials for hospice yet? No. Yeah, dude. Watch daytime TV. They run like hospice commercials and shit. Oh, I've run into that. Yeah, dude.

What do you think I'm doing during the day? So sad. I see nothing but like, are you a fat piece of shit? Is your dad dying? Dude, I saw a hospice commercial. Dude, TV was just like, we're all going to die from a virus that nobody understands. And then they're like, all right, thank you. Let's bring a stock market expert.

They're like, stock market's crashing. If you watch that shit. Oh, it's wild. You're just in a paranoid panic all day. Yeah, dude. I was paranoid. I was like, and it's funny, too, because on Sunday I was like, all right, nobody's even talking about this fucking coronavirus. Everything's good.

Yeah. And then Monday when the news cycle starts up again, it's like the world is fucking end. And then in, you know, in 12 hours I went from like from like oh i don't give a fuck at all to like i should probably take an uber instead of the fucking train yeah all that shit bernie told me take the bus today and i was like no no way no not happening you have a kid i understand that i don't care if i get bronies i didn't care either i was like dude you can't i also dude with dude, with the whole, so I'm watching the, you know, all the daytime talk shit. They're just whipping people into a fucking frenzy. And then it's like, now there's election time. So now the fear mongering, dude, it's so cut and dry.

And then I'm watching all this stuff and like the debates and stuff. And it's like, so it's so funny how neither of them are ever wrong. So you have people running the task of running the country, which should be this enormously complicated task full of mistakes. There's no way people are just getting it right all the time. And there's two people running who are like, we've never messed up. They've always messed up. It's like I'd just rather somebody be like, all right, we fucked this thing up.

There's no organic growth of people being like. You want someone to be rabid. You want someone to be rabid out and be like, all right, this is we fuck this thing up. Like there's no organic growth of people. You want someone to be rabbit? Yeah. I'm going to be rabbit out and be like, this is where I fucked up. Now. Now, what are you going to say? Your next debate, bro? Exactly.

Come out and be like, I fuck this up. I fuck this up. I fuck this up. All right. Here's the things I've done that are good. People will be like, thank you. Instead, it's people who come out and they're like, personally, I've never made a mistake. It's not good. It's a whole narcissist.

Trump dog's the youngest. Trump dog's sitting at 73 and he's the youngest candidate. Right now? Yeah. Biden's, what, 77? Yeah. I think, or something like Bernie and him are gazed out. Isn't Bernie 69?

No, but I think Bernie's 78. Yeah, dude. Why? Why is this a job for old geezers, dude? I don't know. I wouldn't hire a geezer. Like, they're not allowed to drive. I wouldn't hire a geezer for anything that's above 70.

Unless it's Robert De Niro, dude. You see him in that movie where he's a geezer at work? Yeah, he couldn't even fake fight. Dude, the... Bernie just had a fucking heart attack, dude. When? Bernie's 78. Bernie was born in 1941.

He was born – he was alive. He was like three when D-Day happened. Jeez. Dude, you're actually – you called it, man. They turned on Bernie quickly. Pelosi's the oldest geezer, dude. She's 79. She's holding up, dude.

I might hit. She's not bad looking. Buttigieg. Buttigieg is 38, dude. She's 79. She's holding up, dude. I might hit. She's not bad looking. Buttigieg is 38, dude. He's like our age. Dude, you called it with the whole thing about they're going to turn on Bernie and they might start propping up Trump. They will. Phase two.

If they can't get Biden elected, the moderates will start propping up Trump. You'll start getting news stories that are like, well, Trump actually handled the coronavirus thing pretty well. Well, they're saying he's downplaying it. Well, right now he is because they still think Biden can win. They still want to beat him, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, man.

Well, first of all, I do think he called it, though, because they right away called Bernie. They're saying he's a communist agent now. They're saying he's like a Russian asset. It's like, dude, you guys have a Rhodes Scholarship, the brain trust of all the elite. You guys can't come up with another media narrative than somebody's a fucking Russian asset. You guys already did it like three times now. He's 77. He's 78, and he had a heart attack this year.

Well, they're trying to say he's fully Moscowed out. Burned Dog's six foot. Is he? Good for him, bro. Yeah, good height. Got that slouch going. I didn't notice. True.

He does have a good slouch. Yo, Biden, six foot. I think these guys are height lying, dude. You think so? Definitely. They're all definitely like 5'10", 5'11". Biden's a 5'10". I'm six foot.

Yeah, man. That's some bullshit. I think Trump Dog's six too, dude. Let me see. I got to see Trump. He towers above his enemies, dude. Six three. He's my height, dude.

He's six three? Yes. Damn. I knew I had the perfect body. Me and Trump have the exact same dimensions. He's got a wide ass. Trump's a big boy, dude. He's my size. Yeah, dimensions. He's got a wide ass. Trump's a big boy, dude. He's my size.

Yeah, dude, he's bullying people. He's a sassy daddy, dude. He's fucking bullying people. Oh, man. But yeah, dude, they're going to call Bernie a Russian ass. But that's the other thing, too. It's like, I think they want to move towards kind of like social democracy. I think they're going to put everyone on the teat and then just clamp down on everything.

So I think personally, I think Trump was something to rattle people's cages. And it turned out people are like, yo, this guy fucking rules. They're like, fuck. They definitely didn't want him to. Nobody wanted him to win. No, I think he was supposed to rattle our cage.

I don't think anyone laid this out, but I think strategy wise is like, all right, he'll scare the fuck out of people so much that they'll just let the democratic party do whatever they want and like the stock market's up a thousand like the stock dude it's people think it just crashed and i think iran and russia are talking they're fucking us on oil or something dude i don't know it goes up and down all the time what you need to get is productive assets all of the speculative on the stock market is you just get did invest in purell last week did you really yeah it's good stuff i'm actually doing well it's going up i made a ton of money did you really no

yeah dude my friend explained i think i'm with the stocks boy well dude the way so all that like well this company might go up that's all. Like, you're not supposed to do that. You just get companies that have paid dividends. You buy a ton of them. Like, Coca-Cola's never missed a dividend in 100 years. They paid dividends through the Great Depression. All this stuff's charted. You just look for those companies that always pay dividends, buy all those shares,

and then if the stock market dips, you just buy more shares. I don't know anything. Dude. I don't know what a dividend is. Dude, I'll show you how to do it. No. I'll show you how to do this. No.

If you're betting on like, well, this one, you're gambling, bro. True. That's not- You're like the wolf, dude. You're the wolf of Wall Street. Hey, man.

Hey, dude. We got to get you in there. I don't have any stocks yet, but I- You don't have any stocks. I've never invested once. What are you thinking of investing in? I'm just going to give money to my dog.

My boy does all that stuff. Oh, okay. My boy, Wes. He was the guy who went on the Dad Meat podcast and basically called all of our listeners losers and told them to get their acts together. Pretty tight. Nice.

He talked for three hours and was like, this is how you crush it. It was pretty interesting. Nice. But yeah, it's all you do. It's all this shit about like, when they're like, oh, the stocks are crashing, the stocks are going up.

It's noise, dude. You let them. You literally just buy things that pay dividends. You don't know what you're talking about. Yes, I do. I'm telling you. Dude, Robert Kiyosaki would suck my dick right now, dude. Who's that?

Rich Dad, Poor Dad. Oh, nice. He loves when I talk assets, bro. He's probably like, all right. You got to give me some ideas for stocks. You're saying classics. Coca-Cola classics. Yep.

Walmart classics. Walmart could be on its way out. So what's up? Ford? GM? GMs go on. You can look up the companies that have paid dividends over the last 100 years. Enron?

Enron used to be one of the top companies. That sunk. But the thing is, you diversify. You have a ton of them. So then it's like, you have all these things paying you dividends. Some obviously go up. And then like say straw like straw bridges and clothing like sears are one of those say you bought sears like 30 years ago

it just fucking went up and up and up and now you're like all right this shit's dying starts to dip then you sell that stock off and then you actually do get that big bump that like speculative bump you get that you reinvest in all your other shares and meanwhile they're just spitting out it's like a little mini apartment apartment. You buy it and it's just giving you like 30 cents a month, but you buy thousands of them. Then when the market dips, you take all your dividends and reinvest them and buy more and more and more

and they just keep paying you out dividends. They stop paying dividends. You ditch that one and get another one that does. You can't do this. This is what the elites do. Yeah, man. Jigs up on them, bro. Yeah, we got to start investing.

Ward Buffett, dude. We got to start investing in stocks. We got to start a fund. In art.. Ward Buffett, dude. We got to start investing in stocks. We should start a fund. In art. We should start a fund. We got to start investing in good art. We should. And then real estate.

We got to do what Jay-Z said. Yeah. Just all that. Art and real estate? Yeah. I'm buying you a picture, I decided. What kind? Ulyesses.

Or Ulyesses, whatever his name is. Ulyesses, dude, when he's tied to his bo staff. Or he's tied to the mast of his ship you know about that? no I don't think I do dude it's you dude he's passing through the land of the sirens so there's just a bunch of hot babes

just like singing and they're like the whole thing was like they're so hot that no man can resist I know the sirens and you go off

you go off oh yeah he tied himself to the boat he said boys I won't post you so bad you gotta tie me to the mast. And the picture is this guy who's just jacked as fuck. There's a bunch of hot mermaid chicks singing around him, and he's just flexing like, God, I want fucking pussy so bad, but I have to fulfill my quest.

Yeah. I might get it tatted on my back, honestly. That's a fucking sick tat. Getting fucking him tied to the mast of his ship with a bunch of babes trying to get you to come. That's just you and porn, dude. That's just you and porn. I'm going to buy you the picture.

You should keep it. I think you should hang it. We should invest it. I'll back tat it. We should invest that art. I told you I invested in art already, dude. I got two Goyas in my room. Reprints?

No, originals. That's what's up. No, total originals. Yeah. From his house. The walls of his house. You cut them out? Cut from his house the walls of his house you caught him out cut him out of the walls they're hanging dude oh dude the uh i forgot i wanted to talk about this so apparently so we uh and i learned about this from family class as well but so apparently when you have a kid a lot of bays just go total control mode on you, where what happens is they're just like they look at you like you're a total incompetent idiot.

Because like, like, dude, it's where you sit in class like, OK, oh, it's so when they describe it in class or like what happens is the woman just assumes the husband's totally incapable. Because, dude, it's like when as soon as it's like you got to start doing the diapers and stuff. dude it's like when as soon as this like you got to start doing the diapers and stuff Sid the kid pointed this out to me they have like a lifetime of these weird finger skills of just kind of like from like braiding hair and doing weird little like the paper mache fortune teller yeah cookie cutter things yeah so they're real good at doing these weird finger movements and then they're like you know holding a baby and ripping the diaper off and you try to help and you're just retarded yeah you're like trying to pull the things and a lot of times what happens is a girl is like just let me do it and then you go like fine fine yeah good and then she starts to slowly like this fucking idiot then you

start being like she thinks i'm a fucking idiot and they just slowly resent each other on and on and on over this thing of just not being able to share the response she just feels overwhelmed but she also that you're an idiot you can't do it so they're describing that in my family class dude i'm like okay sounds sounds pretty good then we go to the pediatrician she was like you have to give him jobs to do otherwise you'll start to hate him so that's it's pretty tight so that's my job now we're like she feeds a kid then i get to burp the kid and lay the kid down and hold the stomach so it falls asleep but it's like dude that's a real i was looking at that i'm like that's a real phenomenon that ruins if you don't have like the shit figured out yeah i'm like dude it's so easy for the shit to fly off the rails of being like fuck fuck you fuck you you because you're just

totally sleep deprived and then it's like dude if you're fighting before the fights are coming dude you get like a one day piece you get an arm assist where you're like oh look how cute this baby is and like three in the morning it's's like, I said get the fucking – not those wipes. I'm like, shut the fuck up. Dude, it's like – it's crazy. I can't imagine. You've got to put a total foot down. I can't imagine.

Dude, I'm telling you. You've got to knock them around a little. A little bit. A little. Shake them. Hit them both. Shake them up. Yeah.

You've got to be like, stop crying to both of them. Hit both of them. Hit my wife or my baby like that's for fucking her I can't yeah give it pass it on

but yeah you have to like they'll they'll instinctively be like go away you're retarded and you have to be like no I'm not retarded it'd be awesome if like your pediatrician

or the who are the family class was like and also if this doesn't work you men you do have the right to slap them that's the last

you know last you know worst case scenario but right to slap them that's the last you know last you know worst case scenario but you could slap them if they're getting they're getting a little too boisterous yeah yeah man dude i'm telling it's the funniest thing of just you're a total incompetent moron in their eyes and you have to be like shake them out of it like i i can i can do this kind of stuff because if most dudes because i can't I fucking I babysat my niece once yeah fed her bananas the whole time

because I didn't know what they could eat and just shit like a monster and I couldn't I couldn't change I had no idea how to change a diaper

well yeah diapers are it's tough and you gotta wipe from the vagina away yeah that was uncomfortable I didn't like that

it's really weird when it's not your kid, it's really weird. Yeah. Like, I had to watch my neighbor's kid, like, a while back, and then he peed his diaper, and Brittany just, like, whipped his pants down. Like, you gotta pat his penis dry. I'm like, this isn't my kid. I'm not—

I can't do this. Yeah. I can't, man. Yeah, it was my niece, and it was like, yeah, wipe away from the vagina, and I was like, ew. Yeah. Is that what— Save vagina?

You called for advice? They told me before they left. Yeah, and there was—when it gets— And I was like ew yeah is that what you called for advice they told me before they left yeah and there's when it when it gets like ew and then it happened and because they were like yeah you gotta wipe away from it you don't want shit getting in her pussy when you have to like you're supposed to push down on it and spread it out and then you can kind of spread one out you gotta clean the lips out, dude. Ew. Yeah, dude. Ew. You got to like – the doctor was like up or in and up and it's like boom. Let me see that technique. I might need that technique, dude, for my beautiful baby girls, dude. Dude, you push.

You go push down on it and go up and it just pops it, dude. You got to pop that for a real one, dude. And then you just take the wipe. Dude, that's the other thing, too. Like, she'll just wipe her, just poof, like, and she laughs. She's like, you like dad,

but I'm like, I don't have a fucking pussy, dude. I'm not gonna just gonna... I don't know how, yeah. Yeah, it's bizarre, dude. It's a weird... It's lady work. It's a lady job, dude.

It's a lady job. But then they get over, if you give them, if you, so that was, the pediatrician was like, due to our total sexist nature, you know, we're drenched in sexism. Women think they have to do this, and guys are like, yeah, this is fucking girl work.

And then the girl just starts to hate you, just hate your fucking guts. Well, we're not sexist. It's girl work. It's good for – yeah, it is. But for guys to revel – That's funny. It's funny. This isn't a great take, but do you think that's how, like, they thought about racism?

They're like, it's not racist. That's black people working. That just is that. I was actually, there was a movie going on in the house yesterday. It was one of those black people working for very little bits of money and getting little respect movies. I walked downstairs and I was like, the two of them watching it. I was like, I'm going to go take a nap. Yeah.

Those movies, they got to stop making them, dude. They've run their course, dude. Yeah. After Madea went to the moon, they should have stopped making them. Yeah. I mean, I think they have. They've chilled out on them. They did slow down a little.

This summer, black people working for minimum wage and people being mean. White people yelling at black people. The black people responding totally rationally. I saw Taraji P. Henson just kind of like being like, mm, mm, mm. And I was like,

I'm going upstairs. I don't know what this movie is. That's the last thing you need. You hear one, mm, you're out, dude. I saw her just kind of like looking off of the window and leaning out.

I was like, I'm out of here. Fuck this. Nothing good's coming. I don't want to see Taraji P. Henson being underpaid right now. People being mean to her.

But, yeah, dude, that's the craziest shit of walking around. Having a kid is tight, dude. It rules. Sleep, dude, it's not as bad. People are like, oh, how are you sleeping? It's like if you're not a total pussy, it's not that bad. Yeah. I'm used to having like out of body.

It's been one week, dude. True. I'm still walking on sunshine. You got another year of not sleeping, baby. Dude, it's not that bad. It's been. It's only been one week, dude. I don't know.

I like it. I don't mean to. No, no. Fair enough. Bring some rain in here, but. I've been. You're calling it early. You're calling victory early.

This is your mission accomplished, dude. This is W landed on the aircraft carrier being like, we did it. It's easy and it's fun. Well, this is supposed to be the hardest time. When they're like, they're newborn, it gets easier after that. I'm like, dude, I think people who can't handle psychedelic experiences, I think it freaks them out. Because, dude, you're in an out-of-body.

When you're in the hospital, you go through a weird thing, and then you have the kid and then you're just like, what the fuck? Your whole life – dude, it's like everything goes – all my weird hang-ups where I've been like, well, what about – it just literally goes away. Yeah, the only thing you care about is the kid. Yeah, it's bizarre. You still have your little quirks and stuff. And the podcast, obviously. That's deep in your subconscious, obviously. That was first things first. Yeah, you weren't like if the baby's sick you were like the podcast could be

in trouble because of a recession yeah dude all of your weird like i was talking to a lady uh i just like i think it was schizophrenic dude her dog my dogs met her dog she started telling me her dog was named prince and like how her dog and Prince, the singer, had so many similarities and how like her dog loved being around beautiful women. And I'm like sitting there like I really I would have been trapped in that conversation for an hour before. Yeah. And literally you're just sitting there like I got to go. Goodbye. I don't have time for this bullshit.

It's so far. It's so bizarre. That could have been this. You know, it could have been Prince. True. How old was the dog? It was an older dog. She was like, the dog loves fentanyl.

The dog's too scared to perform. Was his collar purple? No, it should have been. It's kind of bullshit. I think she was schizophrenic, dude. It was what I was doing in my sleep. She was talking to a stranger about her dog being similar to Prince. And loving beautiful women.

There's a lot of old ladies quietly whacked out on pills walking around, too. Good for them. Give a geezer a fistful of Xanax and send her out with her Pomeranian dude. Imagine if you were a geezer. If some geezer is living by

just you and a Pomeranian, you're fucking, everybody's dead. Or you don't know anyone. It's fucking party time. It's pill time. I'm going to chat with that guy. I'm excited to to talk dogs too so she's been sitting in her house like god damn this dog's a lot like prince for four weeks then she finally met somebody it was like this dog is i'll tell you what man this dog's a lot like prince and you know i'm like oh that's cool

yeah i'm like all right yeah what i'm like at times i didn't know if she was actually talking about prince or prince the dog so i'm like she's like he loves beautiful women and i'm like neither of them you're you mean the gay singer or this dog was prince gay no i think he did fucking smash dude yeah yeah but he did have some very effeminate that's That's when you get – there's a level of getting so much pussy, you trans. Exactly. Into like a kind of like – That David Bowie level. Yeah.

Mick Jagger. David Bowie, I think, fucked Mick Jagger. Yeah, that was the rumor. Everyone hated Mick Jagger, apparently. And then Pryor and – fucking what's his name? One guy fucked Pryor's son, right? Well, yeah, that's Assault, brother. Oh, yeah.

I think that's Ass salt brother oh yeah i think i think that's a salt brother true no it was prior and what's his name like one of the greatest actors not tom cruise but one of the greatest actors of all time marlon brando yeah what yeah i think richard prior marlon brando fucked you think they 69 might have what yeah did marlon brando and richard pryor had sex i think so you heard it here first dude no you didn't really i think that's good i heard it here first i think one of somebody in like pryor's pryor's estate said that in an interview that they had hooked up dude i what the fuck why why did they what do they have to bring that up for i don't know like look how chill this is is that the eulogy i think marlon brando is in the godfather um oh richard

pryor fucked him the did i did we talk about this i think i told you that the roast richard pryor's roast it's on youtube dude it's wild who roasted him on all his friends paul mooney's sitting right next to him he's like now paul we know you're a like, now, Paul, we know you're a faggot. He's like, everybody knows you're a faggot. And he's like, we've been hiding it for two years. I didn't want to, like, we all know. He, like, outed him. And then he was like, now, I only say this because Paul knows I fucked a faggot once.

And I've been, he's like, it's been weighing on my conscience. I don't want him to tell, so I'm telling you right now. Oh. I fucked a, it's wild, bro. What? on my conscience. I don't want him to tell, so I'm telling you right now. Oh. I fucked up. It's wild, bro. What? Yeah. And he's talking about Marlon Brando?

I don't know about that case, but yeah. In his roast, he just comes out and says it. That's so fucking funny. God damn, dude. These guys are wild. He outed his friend and outed himself. That's wild. And everyone was just like, hell yeah, this guy rules.

This is the king. Yeah. That's a wild. That's kind of little wayne birdman admitted to both being bisexual did they i think yeah i don't think that you bird excuse me birdman no birdman apparently came out and was like yeah like we i think he like picked little wayne up and was like kind of fucking him a little bit something like that dude no they would like kiss on the lips that was it he said that he was like little wayne's a bisexual i know that because

we've had so he did kind of one like that birdman hit him with the hopped on the lips. That was it. He said that he was like, Lil Wayne's a bisexual. I know that because we've had sex. He did kind of one like that. Birdman hit him with that. He hopped on the grenade. Damn. He was kind of like, yeah, we fucked around a little.

Dude, thinking about Birdman. Whoa, you heard that first. Birdman got his role on with Lil Wayne? Holy shit. I mean, dude,

I mean, that's fucking, imagine those two having sex. I think that's what broke up Cash Money. I think that's what BG and Juvenile, I think, were like. They were just, we out of here. Yeah, they went out with this, what would he? Damn.

That's a strong accusation, dude. You're saying Cash Money broke up because of butt fucking? You think sodomy was the demise of Cash Money? Dude, I'm telling you, dude. And the hot boys? I'm pretty sure. I'm going to pull that up actually they brought in drake dude then they brought in the fucking pedophiles dude i mean dude whoa

the cycle continues dude birdman little wayne gay it's just give me a picture of them kissing on the lips oh man i'm telling you i've read an article birdman talks gay in the atlantic little wayne officiated Same sex wedding While in jail Okay no big deal That's awesome That's pretty tight actually

Yeah dude I'm telling you I read I read an article That was saying It was Birdman Little Wayne officiated A same sex marriage In jail

Yeah dude That was after he wrote How to love How to love You can get married In jail Apparently dude He's like Do you promise To lick him Like a lolly He wrote How to Love. How to Love. You can get married in jail. Apparently, dude.

He's like, do you promise to lick him like a lolly? Do you vow from this day? He's probably doing it like, no homo. No homo. Do you think he lit? Do you think he lit a blunt before he did it? Into the mic? Oh, for sure.

Fuck yeah. Yeah, dude, that's's a Lil Wayne officiating A gay marriage What Damn That'd be sick To be a fly on the wall there Do you woadie

Take this other woadie Do you take this woadie Ow It was all an auto tune Damn Fuck dude That must have been The wedding of the century It was all in auto-tune. Damn. Fuck, dude. That must have been the wedding of the century.

That's a wild article. What was that article from, dude? I don't know, dude. Let me see. Well, let me tell you what it was. A lot of it. Black rappers have the worst conspiracies, dude. They get fucking hit with crazy shit. It's one of them.

Just Birdman celebrates his 45th birthday. And it says, is hip hop gay now? It was in The Guardian. Lil Wayne officiated same-sex wedding while in jail. Memoir reveals. Yeah, dude. Said, go until November, which covers his stint in New York Rikers Island. The rapper says that the union was toasted with 13 bottles of Gatorade.

That's awesome, dude. That's so fucking funny. Yeah, dude. What? Little Wayne? Wow, what a fucking joyous occasion. That must have been a nice occasion, dude.

Lemon Lime, Blue Frost. Oh, I never did the Rikers Island gig. What? Yeah, it got canceled. I think somebody got hurt. Really? Somebody got like in trouble. I think somebody got hurt. Really? I think somebody got in trouble.

They're going to bring you back? They'll probably bring you back. I just got an email to do a different one. Yes. And I also watched Walk the Line this week. I'm fired up, dude. Johnny Cash, bro. I watched some Johnny Cash, dude.

Johnny Cash, he was getting after June Carter. Was he? Yeah, that movie's supposed to be romantic. It's like him. She's trying to get married, and he's like supposed to be romantic. It's like him, like she's like trying to get married. And he's like, June, I love you. Really? Yeah, she was like in different marriages.

And he kept going on the road with her. Getting like fucked up and coming to her room and being like, kiss me, kiss me. He was work husband. He was work husband. They would stay in the same hotel and he would try to fuck her every night. And eventually she was like. And eventually she gave in to his fucking. She bent. I mean, dude, imagine being that husband in the 40s.

There's no cell phones. Your girlfriend just calls you once a month and is traveling with a superstar. And you're just like, all right, I'm here. I'm here down in Wichita. Yeah, I just defeated the Nazis. But yeah, go ahead. Go fuck fucking time. Go have fun.

Go fuck that guy who only sings one note. Go fuck that fake tough guy. Who only sings one note. I'm not into deep voice singers like that. Really? I like Johnny Cash. I mean, he's got... I like when he got like...

When he knew he was like dying and got into like biblical shit. Yeah. He's some good... Dude, he's a lot like Goya. True. Trent Reznor. The dark paintings of his are fucking sick. True.

His Trent Reznor cover is cool. Yeah, Hurt. Yeah. Yeah, that's sick. There's a couple of Goya. True. Trent Reznor. The dark paintings of his are fucking sick. True. His Trent Reznor cover is cool. Yeah. Hurt. Yeah. Yeah. That's sick. There's a couple of the songs I like. I just, I can't like him.

Who's that other guy? Who's a big Tom Waits, a big like blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Oh, dude. That's another one. O'Connor loves fucking Seeger. Does he? He like is like put on like a rock. Put that song on.

I'm like, dude, that song sucks. Unbelievably bad. Really? He likes like, dude, that song sucks unbelievably bad. Really? He likes Like A Rock. That's fucking pretty funny. Night Moves. I'll give anyone Night Moves. Night Moves is sick.

Night Moves is good. Like A Rock, I'd have to listen to it. Like A Rock sucks. I'd have to listen to it again. I've tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. On almost every road trip, I bring up the fact that he likes Tom Cruise. Like A Rock, dude.

Fuck, that's funny. And I've played it. I've played it a couple times with him in the car to rub his nose in it. Like, this shit stinks, dude. Oh, there's nothing worse than someone puts on a song and makes fun of you for it. Yeah. Fuck. That song stinks.

He likes Tom Cruise and like a rock. Listen to O'Connor. Listen to that song. I'm thinking about him listening to it. It's so funny. He got some negative reviews on Listen to that song. I'm thinking about him. Listen to it. It's so funny. He got some negative reviews on the Reddit, dude. They were unhappy with him. Dude, that was a fucking free-for-all.

Everyone was on there freaking out. Billion's butter retarded. O'Connor's a fucking pussy. There was just people attacking each other. I almost called O'Connor. I was delighted to stay out of the fray for the most part. That was funny when I talked to you and you were like, I was like, yeah, dude, it's funny.

I didn't hear the whole thing. I heard they were going at him. And you were like, you can hear my hand in that a little bit. Oh, yeah, you can hear me fucking stoke that a little. Just serving up fucking. Every once in a while, like if there's a lull,

I'll just be like, Chris voted for Hillary. Just let them fucking get him. How did O'Connor take the war room out? He didn't care at all. Like, I called him that night because I thought he left upset. He wasn't upset.

He just actually left. He's had to go. Yeah. I thought he left in a bit of a huff. No, he's like, I'm out of here. Yeah. He just had to leave. The War Room app on Patreon is lit, dude.

Yeah, it is lit. We actually just spent a minute before this episode. Chilling with Billy. Indulging. We were hanging out with Billy. I said, Billyy let me see these utop youtube docs you're you're going on about and uh i don't i'm not i'm not with it yeah i just it's just a fat guy in a fucking hotel you know room like uh just giving

facts about sandy hook not my cup of tea. Dude, the video... But I will watch it. Oh, I'll watch it. I might get docked, dude. I might get pilled. You could. I might get Sandy Hook pilled. Well, the problem with it is

you watch and it's like, again, I fully do think there's the government's run by kind of these rings of the elite. You can't tell me that's not... Well, that's what the government is. Well... It literally is elites yeah

exactly but there's elites who kind of chill on the back and there's there's more elite at the top the further you go exactly so yeah but they're kind of in plain sight it's not as like the heads of the dnc like you can look it up you can just see who's running it i don't think i mean the heads of the dnc still are like are controlling that. You're talking, so the, like Dick Cheney. What's the, when Dick Cheney was running shit. CF,

the Council of Foreign Relations. There, there are like four rings. The Council of Foreign Relations, according to this historian, there are like three rings out. So they're just, those guys are just doing the bidding

of the other guys. Just stay fully, fully in the shadows. Or it's just, you just chill sesh, do your thing you just literally make money you just put it out to people yeah so it's like but like when cheney was running the bush administration yeah oh that's just right dude the secretary of state

is the most important and the director of the cia the president has literally no the president is a joke because it's like the secretary of the state between the houses and all that stuff. That's, you can elect whoever you want and they can be fully blocked from doing whatever they can do. Or they can be assassinated.

At any point. They can be murdered. So it's like, I personally think the news is, like the news itself. They can be murdered. Anyone. You can murder them.

Anyone can get touched. Yeah. I think the news is just like a bigger ad agency for like if you want to start a narrative, you can buy a narrative like an ad. That's what I think the news is. That's the main conspiracy, I think, is what gets to be on the news and why. The rest of the stuff, a lot of it, I think, is – Yeah, you can see some of that in that – Showtime had a show about Roger Ailes running Fox,

and him just on the phone with the Bush administration about the Iraq war. He was like, do you guys want this fucking war or not? He's like, give me what I want, and I'll put you guys on Fox. Yeah, dude. So, I mean, yes. And that's technically a conspiracy. When you get into the YouTube docs, that's where I start going, all right, who knows?

But I'm weary. A lot of it's Russian propaganda or just any world government propaganda. Or just a fucking guy. Most of these are like, look, they moved this out of the way of the glass when he entered the school. So it's like, dude, how do you know? What are you talking about? Yeah, you're watching them. Stupid fucking things like that where they's like, dude, how do you know? What are you talking about? Yeah. You're watching them.

Most stupid fucking things like that, where they're like, the news said there were two shooters. They reported that early. It's like, wait, is the news in on it or not? You said they were. Why are they fucking that up? True. Or are you sure it wasn't just them trying to report something first and they say something

wrong? Yeah. And then you clip it and they're like, see? Well, if you also watch those documentaries wanting to believe that. Yeah. All they just put a text be like the police chiefs never showed up and it's just in like a text on a video and you're like police chiefs didn't even show up dude fucking there it is or when they just show a document they're like and this is a document it's like oh yeah when they were going over all the guy's credentials yeah it's like dude well no even i sold cars with a guy who was who had like a Freemasons thing on his desk.

It's like, dude, any fucking dipshit can get a hold of a fucking. Oh, for sure. Claim something. For sure. Anyone can get on there. But again, with the Masons, it's the same thing.

It's like, you just have these people who are like, we're in the Masons. And it's like, hey, how about we do this? And they're like, oh, yeah. How about you go sell Hondas?

Yeah. All right. The, yeah, they were talking about how during the 1960s in Vietnam, people were getting PSYOP. There was a Russian movement to convince the citizenry to denuclearize the country. To be like, yeah, this is fucked up, man.

Fucking get rid of the nukes, blah, blah, blah. And the Russians were, it was apparently documented that they were pouring money in to get people to do this. So they definitely fuck, people are fucking around with each other nonstop. So it's like, you know, I don't know. Bernie's trying to denuclearize. He might be a Russian asset, dude. Hey, man.

He hates nuclear power. Yeah. That's a new thing, which is pretty funny. He hates it? Well, now that's like a cause for all the people that love Bernie. It's great because my Twitter is all comics. Yeah. And all of them just love Bernie now.

Really? Yeah, dude. The alt scene. Loves Bernie? Alt scene is obsessed. That's why it's like I can't even cheer for him. The things that will affect me is watching them be sad. That will make me happy.

Yeah. Because all the people I hate love Bernie. I kind of would rather Trump win, just so I could see them on Twitter and be like, well, I'm fucking done with this. It's like, ah. In terms of the economy, it's like, I just watch. I don't mind. I don't care what happens politically. Honestly, I think that might be the most rational response.

I just want to see people I don't like be upset on social media. Hell yeah. That's kind of all I want. That's what I look for in a candidate. That's what you would vote for. Who's going to make my enemies the most upset online? Yeah, that's a good one.

That's why I'm like, all right. If Trump wins, I'll kind of laugh. If he wins again, man, I do think he will. I mean, dude, if I had to think about

who I'd vote for i it's it's a toss-up if it's bernie and trump and if someone's like you have to vote i don't know who i'd vote for i literally can't say i have to do a little more research you gotta do some research because yeah and this is this is where we always you know there's gonna be someone on the red like you don't fucking understand anything it's like yeah i don't i don't first things first things first i don't well it's also know anything but health care i know it's complicated but that's the fact that we're one of the few countries that don't have fucking it's wild we're getting it we're gonna know this and this is my prediction this is the uh we're gonna be on on we're going to be on a single

payer system pretty soon they're just getting us ready for it because they you know the people are going to freak out like this is communism they want us to be in some form of social uh democracy that's coming that's if you know if because dude this has been hundreds of years of planning these kind of like societies that you know just say rich people who are like kind of moving stuff around and making things happen or trying to make things happen in a certain way they have a hundred year plan of just become just getting control over a one world government they already have their surveillance kind of put in place you know and it's not again it's not just there's the rhodesians and there's communists so there's like they and then dude that's the other thing too there was like communists and stuff now you don't hear communists anymore they just they let go of their name now they're doing like all the same stuff so there's like they – and then, dude, that's the other thing too. There was like communists and stuff. Now you don't hear communists anymore.

They let go of their name. Now they're doing like all the same stuff. So there's like communists, Rosians, and they're battling for total world dominion. So it's like it's not just one group of people doing this. There's like three or four factions who are fighting to kind of get control of everything, which makes sense. Who are you cheering for? Oh, the Freedom Initiative, bro. Once they get their – i mean you could do it

you can take it back they really they really could take it back what's that it's the guy the professor started his own little secret society of the freedom initiative and uh that was a guy who unfortunately messed up with a symbol oh he's a guy who tossed up an ass accidental upside down peace sign nazi symbol but he put like a head on it and it looks like a person just upward reaching but yeah but it comes with the only thing you have to swallow if you want to be in the freedom initiative you have to deny global warming hoax dude you're called a global warming hoax but again that's not to say you you're against pollution man-made pollution is a problem the problem is show me the fucking show me the documents and apparently there there was a... I think they have

though, haven't they? Put out a lot of documents? I mean, again, I'm not, I'm, I'm, what I'm going to say is I was looking into this last night and apparently, you know how Trump pulled out of the Paris Agreement? Yeah. So, and there's apparently like, there was actual sources like, you know, like the Guardian articles that are totally like bullshit

I guess. That... Well, the guardian also is running little rain marriages true true so maybe the card but it was slightly i remember it again i could be wrong i remember seeing our publications i'm like all right this isn't just like patriot usa.com or whatever this was like a publication saying that they uh the researchers got in trouble for flubbing uh this research for like their like one of them like a couple years ago they got in trouble for flubbing this research for – one of them a couple years ago. They got in trouble for flubbing this stuff, and it was actually in Science Daily and all this stuff. So they flubbed this stuff with the Paris Agreement, and then some other scientists were like, this is bullshit.

So again, I'm a big open-minded person. I just know the Paris Agreement wasn't – I don't think it was anything binding. I think it was literally just an agreement. Like, okay, this is all, we're all going to cut our emissions. And then China was like, oh, yeah, sure. They fucked it, yeah. We're all going to cut our emissions. U.S., you better, you have, I think in the Paris Agreement, I could be wrong,

the U.S. had stricter guidelines than, like, China and India. Really? I believe. Huh. Well, that's the thing, too. It's like, I'm not against non-pollution, but it's like. We love pollution,? I believe. Huh. Well, that's the thing too. It's like I'm not against non-pollution, but it's like... We love pollution, dude. True.

Pollution rules. I've seen you litter. I used to be a big time litter. Bro, you were a litter bug. You threw a chair out of my car once. I threw a folding chair out of my car on the turnpike. That's not litter. That's ultimate litter.

I did throw a chair out on the turnpike, but I made it to the shoulder. It wasn't a hazard to anybody. Dude, me and my brother, me and my brother, did I tell you when we ditched a sofa one time? No,

my brother was moving. I was like, I must've been like 20 years old. And he was, him and his roommate were moving out of their apartment. And, uh, he had like a pickup truck and I helped him load a sofa.

And they're like, sit in the back of the, of the pickup truck. So we pulled her like, we got to dump this fucking thing. So he pulled down a fucking small street, little street and he's like kick it out i just kicked this pickup truck kick the sofa out in the middle of the street so these people want to come out in the morning and see seeing a fucking sofa and they couldn't pull their cars they're like there was probably a street full of people shut

down because there's a nasty fucking bong water stain. That's a litter bug, dude. That's a litter bug. That would piss me off. If I had to lift the sofa. Dude, what's really funny is... I would have rammed it with my car. Was it in Philly?

Yeah. I would have immediately got racist. If I was driving to work, I'd be like, I can't live in this neighborhood anymore. I'd be like, they're leaving fucking couches in this. Just three white dudes. Yeah. I would... I'll be like, they're leaving fucking couches in the street. Just three white dudes. Yeah, I would. I'll be honest. Yeah, that's where I would go.

Be honest. I'll be truthful with you. If I was driving to work in fucking West Philly and there was a couch in the middle of the street. You would assume the worst. I would take it. I would take it there. You would have pulled up to a guy. You're lucky I'm not racist.

Otherwise, I'd be like, I'd beat the fuck out of you. You'd say, what? I'd be like, just drive off. Oh, you you'd say what I'd be like just drive off oh man where are we at where are we at it's late bud yeah hour 30

you better get back to your baby I'll be up till like 3 o'clock yeah the wow I can't believe Trump Dog's 73

he's the he's the young spry one running yeah for sure I mean you could tell he is the youngest this i'm telling you well he has never smoked cigarettes or done drugs or drank that's why he's fit my prediction

is i think we are going to start slowly if if the new world order is as this guy professor griffin whatever his name is says it is he says there's a hundred year plan we're in it there's no stop like you know this is moving on so i do think they're going to do but if the plan is for governments to like give us health care and education i don't know if it's like bad no well that's the other thing too it's these people don't think they're doing anything evil they're trying to advance mankind to pull mankind out of their like They're like bullshit stuff. Yeah. But that comes with like you got to take all the weapons for people because you got to take total control.

That's the other part. And then when people get total control, they generally become wicked. So it's like they could have the best of intentions. I would love for Hillary to take my guns, dude. To take total. I would like Hillary to dominate me, dude. She's a geez, too. Dude, are you crazy? I think she might be fucking geezed out. She might be more than Trumped over, dude. I think she's dead. They're all me, dude. She's a geez, too. Dude, are you crazy? I think she might be fucking geezed out.

She might be more than Trumped out. I think she's dead. They're all Corona'd, dude. Dude, I'm telling you, if you're a politician, you should. I'm telling you, Shane. Coronis is coming. Dude, if you put an Instagram video out, like, I'm going to quarantine myself, guys. I'm going to do my part.

You'll get a ton of people to call out your man, dude. That's the best thing you could do right now is quarantine yourself. Clinton. If you don't take coronavirus seriously the best thing you could do right now is quarantine yourself. Clinton. If you don't take coronavirus seriously, you're basically a Nazi right now. What? If you don't take coronavirus seriously, you're a Nazi.

Yeah, Clinton's like the same age as Trump, dog. Really? Yeah. Yeah, dude. Yang gang's only 45, dude. He's going to be our guy. Yang. Yang, save us.

I mean, dude, the political... He could have. He can. He will in the future. That's all he's doing, dude. Oh, dude. He's just playing the seat. We're going to talk to...

I'm going to talk to McAfee, too. Oh, shit. That's coming up, dude. Once I figure out the Skype technology, me and McAfee... The studio is going to be popping. Yeah, dude. We're going to talk. Dude, imagine our future guests right now.

McAfee. Yang. Yang. Probably Bernie at one point McAfee. Yang. Yang. Probably Bernie at one point. Probably Bernie. Maybe. Maybe Trump, dude. Maybe, dude. If we snag the biggest fish of them all, I'll sit down with the Donald Trump.

Dude. Should we eat the president, bro? I'm going to start reaching. I'll send an email to the West Wing. Have Dorian reach out. Start putting out some feelers. After he gets a snake oil, tell him to contact the president. It's so funny.

The only reason I know that it's called the West Wing is from watching that Tina Fey show. What was that show where she's the – is that even Tina Fey? What's the show about the – Oh, Veep. Veep. No, that's on Tina Fey. Chick from Seinfeld. Yeah.

Louis Dreyfus. Louis Dreyfus. Yeah. So. Actual babe, dude. Dude, I'm telling you. I'm going to start – once I get this'm gonna start once i get this set up once i get skype set up and all this stuff with video recording and videos i'm gonna start putting out

big feelers on land big fish dude we need to land some mac and feel be the first one it was actually weirdly easy to get them on i'm like is this not a big deal yeah it's pretty easy i had a sponsor reach out sounded like a good deal and then they're like, all right, just send us your bank account information. And I was like, fuck you guys, dude. No, you can Venmo me. Yeah. And they're like,

we either do Bitcoin or bank account. And I was like, no. What was the sponsor? Some betting website. But he sent me a form for all my bank account information.

Yeah, dude. Just through email. Go fuck yourself. I almost got Nigerian Prince to do. That would have been awesome. I mean, that would have... would have you just got liquid i would have deserved that you thought you're getting a sponsor got liquidated i'll enter promo code 52 blue chew and then all of a sudden you check your account i have an episode where i do ads for a fake company and then an episode later i'm like guys that was bullshit actually and they ripped me off your chevy cruises gone

dude if i if the cruise got repoed right now, I don't know if I could take it. What would you do? Dude, did I tell you about my sick-ass party time coming on Wednesday? What? Wait, when you go down to Florida? It's party time on Wednesday. Oh, my God. I'm not going to tell you with who just yet.

When you get back, dude. When I get back, dude. Oh, my God. Let's just say it's party time with a college football team dude in miami that's so that's gonna be so funny college dude i don't know i feel weird about it pick out an outfit i do i bought an outfit today what are you gonna wear i'll show you dude it's a floral track suit some sick hat dude i'm gonna go down there dressed like dj khaled i have to that's the only that's the only move for a fat guy in Miami.

You have to go Khaled. True. Dude, if I take pictures with these kids, it's going to look like a Make-A-Wish. Do you think so? There's going to be a dumpy fucking old guy next to jacked 20-year-old dude. Just Rick Ross out. Do a chain, no shirt. That looks good when you're black and tatted. You get a tat.

You're white with stretch marks. It looks terrible. Get an anchor on your arm. I don't know. I got a sick suit. I checked the weather. It's not going to be too hot. I'm going to be able to pull off the tracksuit.

Yeah. You should get an anchor on your arm and just go like, at least unbutton it a little. And then I have to drive. I will unbutton it. Probably get a chain. You're going to drive two hours? And then i have to drive i will unbutton it probably get a chain you're gonna drive two hours and then i have to drive like four hours it's so funny if you drove and they were just kind of like what and they just didn't answer you're like but i thought i was gonna hang out with like the football team they're like dude you're 32 we're just kidding i i can't i don't know i already have anxiety dude i go to a college

spring break right now that that's humiliating. Why? It's going to be so tight, though. It's going to be cool to see. It's going to be BBG heaven, dude. It's going to be the ultimate. The kid already sent me a picture of some of the BBGs that are in the apartment. I might die on Wednesday.

He hit you with a rust? I literally might die on Wednesday. He started saying, like, hey, by heads up, here's the BBG level. He was like, there's BBGs everywhere. I was like, bro. He started saying, like, hey, heads up. Here's the BBB level. He was like, there's BBGs everywhere. I was like, bro. It's so funny he knows all the lingo. Oh, my God. I'm dead.

It'd be fun. I have to do it. You must, dude. If I said no, I'd be doing a disservice to everybody. That'd be bullshit. To all the dogs. That'd be bullshit. You got a full report back, dude.

Like, this is literally what I worked for my entire life. Dude, seriously. This is the dream. How tight is that? This all the dogs. To everybody. Bullshit. You got a full report back, dude. Like, this is literally what I worked for my entire life. Dude, seriously. This is the dream. How tight is that? This is the dream. You get to D1 a football party, but by doing a podcast. As a fat 32-year-old loser, I get to D1 football party. Spring break, Miami, dude.

Oh, my God. It's spring break. Dude, that's going to be so fucking fun. It's going to be embarrassing. No, it'll be good. It's going to be. You got it. It's for the dogs, dude. You got to be so fucking fun. It's going to be embarrassing. No, it'll be good. It's for the dogs, dude. You've got to let us know how people party and get pussy. It is.

Just tell us, dude, just so we know we can jerk off about it, like how hot the chicks are. The chicks, it's going to be crazy. The dogs, we all need to jerk off about this. They're all in bikinis. It's also, I checked the weather. It's like mid-70s. It's not bikini weather.

Tell that to them dude true they're beautiful bodies yeah dude I don't know man I am I am actually kind of like anxious about it

why? I'm gonna fucking look like an idiot dude no dude no way Matt yes spring break

the football team first of all I never went to a spring break in college I never once went I wasn't you weren't ready for it yet. I wasn't ready.

I wasn't mature enough until now. Dude. Pop down. Say, hey, guys. I'm just stopping by. I'm just stopping by. Oh, no. Hey.

You want to buy Crash? You want to buy Crash? You're going to get four beers in you and just all of a sudden be like, woo. No, I got to drive the next day. If I get hammered, I'm done. Good luck with that. That fucking Thursday show in Key West might get canceled.

It's going to be a tough drive. It's actually a sick drive though. Yeah. It's like all, it's along the ocean the whole way. Really nice. That'll be tight.

Yeah. Drive off the bridge, dude. On the way down there? Yeah. Be like, I've reached, that was Nirvana.

You should. I might have to kill myself. What are you getting? What rental are you getting? I don't know yet. You should rent a cruise. I'm going to rent a cruise. I'm pretty sure don't know you should rent a cruise I'm gonna rent a cruise I'm pretty sure

that's all you can rent that is the number one rental car what the fuck did they give us when I was down in Florida usually like chargers or

charger they give you like black on black chargers that's literally that's all you get it's like a black on black charger wait what time when do you

you should go down you should go down to Clearwater bro I'm gonna why what's going on there Clearwater bro bro. I'm going to. Why? What's going on there? Clearwater, bro. I'm just going to watch the Phil's.

It's a spring training. True. I need to get down there. Well, now that South by Southwest is canceled, I think I'm going to stay a couple days extra. Oh, you should. Down at Key West. Yeah, you should. That'll be sick.

Go to Clearwater, dude. I might go down to Clearwater. See the Phil's warm up. Check out the Phil's. The Phil's should be all right this year. I might be drained, dude. Wednesday, I'm going to give it all. I'm going to lay my life on the line on Wednesday.

Yeah. Also, I have a new allegiance to a college football team. Fuck Notre Dame. This is all it took, dude. But I'll tell you what. If these boys are pranking me, and I get there, and they pants me in front of all the beautiful baby girls. They pants me and film it.

If you drove four hours and he just showed your flaccid penis to a bunch of chicks like fuck you guys fuck you guys

it made me cry in front of college kids that would be so funny oh man I don't know it's embarrassing it is kind of embarrassing the potential

but I have to do it yeah you must if you're a geezer and you're invited to a college party you have to do it yeah you must if you get in if you're a geezer and you're invited to a college party you have to do it even if people are like how old are you mister don't worry about it kids all right all you gotta do is watch old school so you have plenty of funny jokes trying to be drake plenty of funny jokes i'm just trying to be drake you do a big in miami don't you that's all i do is drake what would drake do in this moment what do you hang it would he go get fucked up and hang out with possibly underage kids?

Almost definitely. A little too old for him. True. Well, I haven't reached his levels of greatness yet. True. I'm sure he dabbled with college kids at first. You can't go to the prom? I'm going to start going back to the prom.

Oh, my God. Oh, man. I can't wait. Next week, I'll give you the full report. It's going to be a glorious week, dude. But hopefully it doesn't get canceled. Last week, I was... Two weeks ago, my Wednesday was Rikers Island performance, Johnny Cash.

Dude, if you're down there and party with a bunch of college chicks, coronavirus is the worst and the least of your concerns. Me and the Woodman went to a strip club in Connecticut. Nice. And it was like, dude, I hope this is how we get it. Yeah. I hope we get some cronies off some tits and bridge boards. Some fucking ladies' tits.

How's the strip club out there? It was good. There's always that weird energy when it's like, in a city, strip clubs get, like, when it's, it's like a real weird energy in there. It's almost like casino energy where everyone's, like, kind of mad at each other the whole time. Yeah. You know, it's all very serious. Yeah, there's strip clubs in Philly energy where everyone's like kind of mad at each other the whole time. Yeah.

You know, it's all very serious. Yeah, there's strip clubs in Philly that are basically like whorehouses. Yeah. Like it's on. I'm not gonna name them.

This one driver picked us up and was like, do you guys, first off, our Uber driver picked us up, this weird white dude in a fucking Jetta. He picked us up.

He was like, how was the pussy in there? And we were like, it was good. They were good. He was like, young? Were they tight? Were they good? I was like, Jesus Christ, dude in there? And we were like, it was good. They were good. He was like, young? Were they tight?

Were they good? I was like, Jesus Christ, dude. Jesus, man. And then he offered to take us. He was like, this place is where you want to go. And there was another strip club that he was naming. He was like, I go there. He's like, honestly, guys, if you want me to take it off the clock right now, we can go in.

He probably wasn't even an Uber driver. He wanted to chill, dude. He just wanted his stripper buddies. He wanted to take us in. He didn't want to go by himself. He just wanted his stripper buddies. He wanted to take us in, yeah. He didn't want to go by himself. He was like, just Dominicans, 60, 80 bucks, you can fuck. They'll suck you. You just got to be careful because they will fucking rob you.

He was like, all right, thanks, man. That's a nice pitch. He literally was like, do you want me to turn this off right now? We can go. And he was like, no, we're fucking tired. Let's just go back to the hotel. He's willing to fuck mommies with you guys for 60 bucks? He wanted to go fuck some mommies with us for 60 bucks.

I was like, bro, this is wild. I was in Atlantic City one time getting a lap dance, and the stripper wanted to fuck and wanted to roll a dog. And I was just like, no. No, dude, you hung out with the staff. True. Did I tell you? I did that in London.

Did you? I chilled with the staff. At the strip club? Yeah. No, not at the strip club yeah no not the strip club I was at a strip club we went to a whorehouse and I fucking

I trumped out you trumped it was Epstein Island and I fucking just hung with the staff and I was like we can't be doing any shenanigans in here

good for you yeah felt a little gay after really yeah it was like you went to a whorehouse and you were like

you didn't do anything nah you're better off no I did the right thing you did yeah what'd you do? Just like, pout around with him? Yeah, pout around.

Yeah. Hung out with the staff? That's what Trump was doing? Probably. Yeah. Only Trump's never done any kind of... What? Trump's never done anything like that, bro.

Trump probably ate a steak. He's probably like, give me a steak. Let me get a Trump steak. Give me a steak and a Coca-Cola. True. That's cool. You get to party with the staff parties. That's cool like, give me a steak. Let me get a Trump steak. Give me a steak and a Coca-Cola. True. That's cool. You get to party with the staff parties. That's cool. They're just hanging. Staff parties? I guess so, yeah.

I guess they're not in there reading economists or whatever. And then eventually I was like, alright, I gotta get the con man out of here. And they were, as soon as I started mentioning, like, alright, we gotta go, they were were like you need to leave they kicked me out

what? they were the sirens dude they had him and they wanted to you know milk him for more money oh yeah so they were mad

that I was like alright he should be leaving now it's like when you know they have like a a mother cow and they hook like the metal hoses to her nipples

they probably had like two hoses to his pockets and they were just fucking just draining him they did they fleeced us, bro. Really? Yeah.

Yes. And I didn't get hit as bad, which was hilarious. You paid the entrance fee. On the way to, well, we went to a strip club first. Yeah. And that's where we got, we both got fucking drilled there. Yeah. And then that, we went to the after party.

That's where things got, it was rumpus time. How did you find out about this place? Just one of the, The whole thing was ridiculous. I mean, it was stupid. We left a show, and then we're in basically London's Times Square. We're in a fucking tourist trap, and a guy on a fucking rickshaw pulls up. And he's like, do you guys want to go to a strip club? And I'm like, yes.

And I looked at him, and I was like, dude, we are idiots right now. Like, this guy's gathering idiots to bring to this place. Yeah, he's a steerer, yeah. His job is to look and find two idiots. He's a barker. And he saw you and me. He saw a fucking mice and men over here. And then he picked us up.

Yeah, I was dissuading. I was trying to dissuade, but I went along. I wanted to see a journey, dude. I wanted to see the Ocon man's journey, what he's up to, what he's out scurrying. I've never seen him scurry. I'm telling you, I remember... It's no good. I remember passing...

There was a time in my life where I'd pass a strip club, and it would fuck me up. I'd have a serious urge to go. I remember I would do a comedy show. Someone would give me a couple hundred bucks you know this was like to me it was like bonus money i'm like all right the fuck that was 15 minutes i got 200 and i would pass the strip club dude and it would just be a magnet i'd be pulling me to i don't know what it is but it'd be pulled it's tits yeah but i mean i bet it's the possibility of coming true but i mean it also like, I don't know what I still want to come.

But it's like, it's one of those things where you're like, I, it was like almost, you couldn't fight it off. Yeah. That's, that's weird. That's like a, that's a wild. It's easy to fight it off when you have no money. Oh yeah. It's so easy to just be like, fuck, I'm not going to strip.

I'm not fucking going to a bar or a strip club or anything. Yeah. You got a little bit of money and it's like yeah this i'm gonna do that might as well look at tits right now well once you have money and you're all your needs are met and then you just have extra money and you don't have like you know again like not not bragging having a kid is like you have a kid and all that shit go you're like i'm not gonna fuck what are you fucking talking i can't fucking go to the although you know a lot of dudes kids do most of those guys are daddies true a lot There are a lot of daddies over there.

Dirty daddies. But that's like a self-fulfilling prophecy. All those daddies that are at the strip club are basically fueling the economy for strippers. They're creating the stripper by being there. But yeah, dude. It's a bunch of chickens watching eggs. But if you're just kicking around, you're just kind of like, you know, whatever. I remember you have extra money and you're like i could come right now and still eat i'm definitely

gonna come i'm going to come i choose coming i mean that's that's the dilemma of man can you come and eat it's a yes every time if if both are checked yes exactly and then you get into the sick and twisted realm of being like i mean a couple hundred bucks is i mean a couple hundred bucks by the way is bottom of the barrel so people get into like 700 800 dollar prostitutes you know i get into epstein's especially when you make it pounds when you switch from dollar to pounds that was a fucking dude yeah that's tough not to chucky i was with these two strippers i paid so much money oh yeah i was like they were like you're gonna fucking tip us so what and i was like i just paid like 500 fucking dollars for this dude no like a double dance yeah it was crazy it was

nuts what they were doing yeah and it didn't touch my dick nothing like that yeah i got swindled one time because when we sat down there i told her i was like i'm not doing it like didn't touch your knob they slightly at one point the one stripper just had her pussy on my shoulder. And I looked back at it, and I was like, ew, dude. I was like, this is a fucking mistake, dude. Dude, I did the same exact thing one year. Full fucking open snatch on my shoulder. And I was like, ew, ew, ew.

It's the worst when you get an ugly fucking stripper that's like, do you want to dance? And it's like, I want to dance? It's like No, but don't know if you feel bad Yeah, I remember one time back in my back in my heyday I had made like I Was I was out I was up to fucking no good This time back when I was like 20, you know something I don't want to. Monkey business. Yeah, before I was married the first time. And I had made like fucking like $4,000 one week just out doing my little bullshit. And so I'm like never had that much money.

So I go to a strip club that weekend to a bachelor party. I'm like two-girl, you know, whatever dance thing. And I'm like I'm definitely having them. And I got the VIP room. They just fucking like rubbed their tits in my face and like told me weird stuff yeah and then like i i was just out of eight hundred dollars and i was like what the fuck happened i was just like never again fuck this and even after again it wasn't even like you know i made a bunch of money that week most of my life pretty fucking awesome

and then the uh yeah i just was out 800 and i was like fuck this this is so i feel like such a fucking idiot yeah because it was again i thought i was like they see me coming i got racks they were just like thanks for the 800 retard if i'd given them 50 they're like thanks for the 50 retard i'm like fuck yes that's a... But there was redemption when going to the airport for the flight home, I checked my bank account, and I was like, oh, thank God, dude. It was less than $1,000. Like, thank God. I for real thought I spent like $1,500 that night.

Checked it. Great. It was cash, too. Yeah. It was less than... No, it wasn't. It was my card. You could have challenged that.

Bro, fucking London? You could have been like fraud. Everyone, dude, every American, by the way, gets one free wishy-washy trip a year, and you can call your credit card and be like, I don't recognize that charge, and they'll take it off. You're ripping off the sex slaves? I'm not the, they're owners. They're evil fucking owners.

I'm not saying I'd do that. I'm saying you can't. You can't rip off the sex slaves. Not the sex slaves. They're evil owners. Yeah. You call, and you can't. You can't rip off the sex slaves. Not the sex slaves. They're evil owners. Yeah. You call and you just go. You've got to chill with the staff, dude.

You cannot. You can't have sex slaves. Sex slaves are bad. I'm going to start going to wishy-washy's and checking green cards and be like, let me see their passports. Do they have their passports? Excuse me. I bet you would get the fuck beat out of you. I'd probably get stabbed.

Yeah. Pretty quickly. They definitely have a guy there that's ready to get any crime stopper any fucking neighborhood watch isn't getting it they have a ninja gated in the back yeah dude that uh you can do that everyone if you want one freebie you go and you just and then like dude what are they gonna contest like they start contesting the charge i'd be like you guys are a fucking whorehouse. Yeah, but what was funny is I tried to like, after I went upstairs from that dance,

basically I got the VIP room. Same exact thing. Like, tits in my face, that was it. Went back upstairs with the bartender that was up there and I was like, I tried to play it cool. I tried to be like, I don't even care. That's nothing to me. Yeah. I was like, dude, I just got fucking ripped off, bro.

And he was like, yeah, yeah, you did, didn't you? I was like, dude, I just got fucking ripped off, bro. And he was like, yeah, yeah, you did, didn't you? And I was like, bad, bro. When that happened to me, it was funny, too, because I had to. I did try to act cool at first. I was like, I don't even care about that. That's fine. I didn't even want anything out of that. That's dumb, dude.

And then I went upstairs and just immediately was like, fuck, I just got fucking raped. Dude, that sucks. It was getting robbed. It was getting robbed. they picked us up while we were hammered it took us to a place we're like do you want to dance it was like yeah they're like 450 pounds it's like that's like 800 bucks lady get out of here yeah fuck off yeah that's what uh i remember when i did it the two girls basically just like basically ignored me and just like talk to each other and i was like oh all right that's cool that's chill i'm not like these other guys i'm we're still having fun yeah i don't even care and they just ignored me i'm like talk to each other and i was like oh all right yeah that's cool that's chill

i'm not like these other guys i'm just having fun yeah i don't even care and they just ignored me i'm like what the fuck i was so mad what's your real name yeah like seriously how long you been doing this what else just fucking i used to go i used to go to the strip club early in the day and just talk to strippers just chop it up with them it's pretty sick though that was fun i did that when i was in my early 20s it's a sick though that was fun i did that when i was in my early 20s it's a sick man you ever hang out with a stripper outside the strip club no i had two brief relationships where like i would hang out outside the strip club and like chill with them and one lady definitely fleeced me will come by and be like yo let me borrow 50

bucks off you i'm like we're hanging out we're gonna see we're gonna see we're supposed to see like some movie she was like yeah i got you and as soon as i was like man fuck this but the one lady was to go see a movie with us do you remember the movie it sounds like you're about to remember i was i was going to say not dunkirk but like that was way too similar it was it was like so what's this about you're like fucking explainirk, the evacuation of Dunkirk. It wasn't Dunkirk. You're going to explain Dunkirk to fucking Lotus or whatever her name is. It was some war-ish movie. I forget.

One of them. It was a while ago. But there was one. Fuck. There was a girl one time that I fully took her to the fashion bug. Oh, nice. I spent like seven. You took a stripper out and bought her clothes? To the fashion bug. Bro. We went to the fashion bug, dude. She was so hot. You took a stripper out and bought her clothes? To the fashion bug.

Bro. We went to the fashion bug, dude. She was so hot. I was in love with this stripper. Did you get to watch her change? I mean, I did in the strip club. True, but I'm saying in the athlete club. No, no, no.

We were just chilling. That was a chick who had a nine-month-old kid that like me and a stripper and her nine-month-old kid would hang out in her apartment and there was tranny prostitutes that lived above her that would make a ruckus. And you would hear them fucking banging around upstairs fighting that and that was the time when like before i came over she said she chased one out as one of them was giving head in the hallway and she was like feeding her kid and he's her don't don't don't don't don't and she had to go outside and just be like what the fuck get out of here and they're like fuck you bitch taking a dick out of a mouth and being like, fuck you, bitch, go inside.

I'm working. Dude, that was how sick and twisted I was. Like, dude, I was chilling in the grittiest. Yeah, dude, you were sleeping

in convenience stores? That was a different thing. Yeah, I slept in a lady. That lady's boyfriend got deported back to Jamaica for having an AK-47. So then I met her in the

i met her in the restaurant depot and this was like you can put your stuff on my she had like sugar to buy it was for her store and i was buying stuff my brother's taco shop i was just so attracted to this lady dude she's a little older than me and then i was like yeah you put your stuff on the you know my little dolly i carried it out to her car that was that was when i was like dude we should hang out she's like what you got jungle fever white boy and i was like i guess i do and then she hung out and then i said i ended up i got fleas and i you know you got fleas she oh i had fleas no no i got i had fleas in my house they just my sister's fucking cats brought them in pissed me off yeah so i was like babe my house she came in dude saw the fleas was like fuck it let's go to the convenience store

so i slept there for like a week, dude. I slept behind like bulletproof glass in like a poppy store for a week. And it's like, ate this chick's pussy and wake. She was like, I can wake up. She'd be like, go grab yourself a snack. I'll grab some. You're eating snacks out of the convenience store. Yeah, I'd wake up.

I'd go out. Holy shit. In the middle of the night, we'd lay it on a pad and we'd watch Madea. Oh, that sounds so nice. It was the, dude, it was heaven, dude. That's magic. It was heaven. I slept behind the bulletproof glass with a Jamaican lady.

And then you have the whole store to yourself. We could do sweet treats. Grab stuff ever. So go grab a condom. I'd go to the thing, like grab condoms out of the convenience store and walk back behind the bulletproof glass. And then it was so funny because she was supposed to be running the store and she would just it would just not be open ever.

And she would go pop in at like 10 a.m. And people be outside. All right, relax. It was just a front. Yeah. So she just would like go there and try to make a little bit of money and it was dude it was insanity how old were you oh man i was like probably 24 she wanted me to she wanted me to step dad she wanted me to move in with her dude we had a thing i'm not gonna lie me and her had a thing dude she was a she was cool she had a jamaican accent no no she was she was she was like a she was like an american black lady who like i think like had the way like i would be

irish she was jamaican okay so she definitely had there was a dude that would come around i used to call him urkel there's like a dude who would come around i would like give him like ounces of weed like show him ounces of weed and she's like this is my nerd friend weird it was back in the day okay it was uh at a time one at a time yeah yeah yeah excuse me back in the day yeah come on my girl i'm i'm all you know i'm on the books baby i'm all squeaky true man i hear you i got nothing to worry about you got nothing to hide nothing to hide bro man that's so not dude he would come this guy would buy an ounce and i would call him urkel it was funny it was you know we'd had a good laugh about that it's that's a strong joke when you see a black nerd and you talk to your black girlfriend

you're like you're fucking urkel and they just look at you like she's like she's all she didn't know you had the juice like that she thought it was pretty funny i was like yo where's urkel at it's probably fucking urkel too but whatever the urkel is sliding in there sleeping on the pad i don't do it i would honestly have been offended if he had slept on the pad and been able to eat fucking mambas dude i'd be like what the fuck oh man that's bitch i thought they were for me she only rented cars she never owned she would rent a car for the week it was like 500 a week and she would just whip these rented cars around pull up in the middle of winter wearing whipping the chevy just a jacket she'd wear a long jacket with nothing under it and just come to my shitty house that like just got bombed for fleas once the fleas are gone

and just come lay on my mattress we would make sweet love dude and she would smoke a blunt eat sour patch kids and then we'd both fall fast asleep and then she'd wake up like i gotta get my kids ready and just dude she's like you just ate my kids fucking sour patch wow it was that's what that's i think that's the best time to be in love. Early 20s when you fucking, when you find good baes in your early 20s. Yeah, man. Oh. She was a sweetheart, dude.

That's nice. She wanted me to come in. Her kid was 19. She's like, I want you to move in with me. And you're like, you know. I was like, I can't. I'm 24. I can't stepdad your 19-year-old, bro.

This kid's going to fucking eat my lunch. He was 16. Excuse me. Oh. Still. He's a genius, dude. She wanted me to stepdad a 16-year-old. And I was like, this kid's going to fuck me up.

He might fuck you up. This kid would definitely have fucked me up, dude. Now, I think I'd been able to pull it off. Now, I could stepdad. Now, you're mature enough to. I'm mature enough. By 24, dadding over a fucking 16-year-old? And I'm like, yeah, exactly.

How old was she? 30-something. She was a little older than me. She was a mature woman. She was a mature natural. She had kids. She did have kids. She was a mature natural, Eb. She was a mature woman. She was a mature natural. She had kids. She did have kids young. She was a mature natural Ebony.

Yeah, for sure. She had kids young. Man, that's like a... I'm jealous. It literally broke both of our hearts. I was like, look, what you want this... where you want this to go.

It just can't. I'm not willing... I can't take on... You're a lover, bro. I'm a big time lover, bro. You've had several fucking heartbreaks. That one hurt me dude that one was a lot of sad emojis

we were both sending each other sad emojis and it was like this just can't be just two adults sending sad emojis during an actual heartbreak

yeah man I love that's always weird to me when there's like a tragedy and people send emojis yeah that's all we had dude yeah

excuse me fart is that a fart yeah something fell We'll send emojis. Yeah. That's all we had, dude. Yeah. Excuse me. Is that a fart? Yeah. Something fell. Something did fall out of my butt, dude. It was gas. Sorry.

Say it to Maria. Let's get out of here. Pray for this cast. Huh? Pray for the cast, bro. Yeah, man. What else we got going on? We got the Mac. If you call next week, you'll be away next week, right?

No. No. Now that South By is canceled, I will be here. Good, right? Uh, no, now that South by is canceled. Oh, we'll be here. Good for you. The cronies canceled South by. All right.

Cronies wants us to cast. Um, I'll be here next week. We can cast the same time, dude. That's the same time, same place. Ooh,

my God. Uh, studio should be close. Video dude. Next week. No, next week we'll have, we should have video fully.

We got the mic set up. You hear the fucking quality. Hopefully you couldn't hear the dirt bikes in the beginning kicking around in the background. It's going to be something you're going to have to get used to. It's going to be some dirt bikes. Summertime, dude. We do live in a neighborhood of rough riders. True.

This is rough riders territory. But now we put the curtains up. God damn it. It is about to be like nice out. It's going to be rough riders city. Soundproof curtains, bro. Soundproof curtains. We'll be good to go like nice out. It's going to be Rough Riders City. Soundproof curtains, bro. Soundproof curtains. We'll be good to go.

Trust me. Cams, dude. We need to put up a flag, dude. Rogi said he loves flags in studios. We already have one on the way, bro. We need a flag in the background. Big American flag. We got a red curtain.

We're not going to get purple. We're going to get red curtains on that side. There'll be a camera angle on there. No, there'll be red curtains behind you. So we get a Rogi angle. I'm going to sit somewhere where I'll be looking probably over here. So we'll get it nice. Producers will be back here.

Dirty Deeds. Dirty Deeds. La Mer. Dirty Deeds. Dirty Deeds and La Mer producing. Yep. We'll have an intern this summer. It's going to be tight.

It's going to be nice having Billy here, too. Exactly. He can drop in on the cast and spit some facts. Billy's like an old ranch hand, dude. Billy's been fucking... Who do you think assembled all the chairs and stuff? Billy's been... Billy's been crucial. Instr hand, dude. Billy's been fucking... Who do you think assembled all the chairs and stuff?

Billy's been... Billy's been crucial. Instrumental, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When my one chair didn't have the necessary parts, he sent me pictures of everything. Big time, dude.

Yeah, Billy's... It's good to have a man. It's like 30 Rock. It's good to have a man around the house. 100%. Billy's... It's a 30 Rock, dude. Yeah, this is the new...

This is it, man. It's the new NBC, dude. Look, when... Call me... This is it, man. It's the new NBC, dude. Look, when... Call me George Stigalos, dude. You are basically George Stakalakis. Look, when Rogies finally rides off into the sunset, dude, I believe this is the new Rogies, dude. Oh, definitely.

When Rogies abdicates his throne gracefully and rides out to, like, Wyoming. With Kanye? Probably. Do you think he's gonna advocate like letterman did and just be like he did it he kind of was like he bowed and he grew i think so stuff when he grows a fucking beard and moves out west moves out to the fucking big sky country he should i think he will he talks about it all the time yeah rogues needs to bow and arrow out there

we should sigh help him we should sigh off him gonna give us everything he we won't need to sigh up true rogues will recognize our greatness true we'll say these are the purveyors of truth he'll give us his vitamin company and kettlebell we are gonna need his kettlebell company that's gonna be paramount to our success stamps.com stamps.com hell yeah we need Right now, our sponsors are fucking gay. Our sponsors are trying to trick us and take our money. All our sponsors are just Nigerian princes, dude. Ridge Wallet tugged my heartstrings. Really? They offered a cut billion spot a check.

No strings. All right, so we might have to go with them. I might, man. I hear you, dude. God damn it. Wait, they're working on you now. Yeah. They've been running into buzzsaw that is my emails. I do not respond to shit, dude. I was like, God damn it. Wait, they're working on you now. Yeah. They've been running into buzzsaw that is my email.

I do not respond to shit, dude. I respond to everything. I'm like an old lady. I see a number I don't know. I'm like, hello? Who you called this number? She's like, pop. Yeah.

We have your car in warranty. It's like, what? Yeah, I got a couple of those this week. A couple of people calling me being like, I just got a call from this number. I was like, it was just spam. Yeah, they did. From my number. Pretty wild. Oh, really? Yeah, I got a couple of those this week. A couple people calling me being like, I just got a call from this number. I was like, it was just spam. Yeah, no you didn't. From my number. Pretty wild.

Oh, really? Yeah. That's fucked up. Yeah. Some bullshit. But yeah, dude, I am very confident that this is the future. Fuck yeah. Let's do it, dude.

Rip the fucking, again, the cams, the YouTubes. It's going to be, people, I don't think people are ready for it. God bless. God bless. Dude, come, if you listen to this, come the It's going to be... I don't think people are ready for it. God bless. Dude, come... If you listen to this, come the 12th and 13th. I don't know. Does anyone live in fucking Key West?

Geysers, dude. It's just... Oh, Karone's is going to be... Karone's is going to be running rampant down there. You're going to be like the old Ring Around the Rose. You're going to have dudes in wheelbarrows. Yeah, it is going to be the plague down there, dude. You're like an eronymous

Bosch painting oh fuck Margaritaville's about to take a dark fucking turn oh yeah fucking fucking

Tim Dillon just did a video called Corona Vita Lila or something like Quarantinaville he's quarantined on a boat

dude hilarious yeah this Thursday and Friday at Key West Comedy Club. And then the 25th and 26th, Wednesday and Thursday before Skank Fest, I'll be at Hilarities in Cleveland. And then hopefully Skank Fest.

I hope it doesn't get canceled. I'd be fucking bummed. They won't cancel it. Those dirty bastards, dude. Yeah, they are fucking gross. I might cancel it because that's definitely cronies, dude. But it wouldn't be up to them i think it would be like the city true like you guys can't do this which they probably they probably are itching to get rid of it anyway yeah a bunch of look and it doesn't need to be that way it doesn't need to be

undesirable but fucking lewis's marketing is like this is gonna be extreme it's like, this is going to be extreme. It's like, dude, stand up. Yeah, man, exactly. Yeah, dude, Church of Sacred Dogology, the live show. I'm going to book that for early May. Start setting that up. Yeah, let me know. I'll let you know. I'll try to do it during the week. Wow.

Yeah. Lots coming up. Lots coming up, bro. Live shows, video. Damn. Shane going to the party, dude. Shane going to the party, yes. Possibly waking up publicly disgraced the next day, dude.

I could be disgraced again. Don't get Cosby down there. Keep it tight. Don't get Cosby? Yeah. I mean, like, get intoxicated to the point where somebody sodomizes you. What if you got strap attacked? No, we've got strap attacked.

I'd have to allow it. True. With those beautiful angels. True. I'd wake up like, ah. I don't know how it's gonna go i this weekend i kept it it'll be cool kept it easy played it cool hopefully i can play it cool again it'll be chilling but i don't i don't think i'm gonna be able to prepare yourself i think a couple bud lights are gonna start flowing some bud lights be some coke and some x there could be some of those types of coke i don't know dude my fat heart i don't know if it can take it i would advise against it all

together what drugs for sure rules dude don't fucking bother me coke is pointless sucker drug coke is gay sucker drug but that's fucking chemistack stuff you get some hot baby girls true bikinis, blue shoes. What do you mean no blue shoes? You bringing some blueys? I might need to. Dude. No, I don't have any blue shoes.

I never have blueys. Got you. I had one in the last year. Dude. I got a hold of one and used it right away. I used to want to do a sketch that was an intervention for a blue shoe thing, like a Viagra thing. It was just a guy like, you're fucking hard

right now, aren't you? Yeah, you told me that. It's great. Somebody at the dinner table? Yeah, he's like,

you're hard as a rock right now, aren't you? I can see it. You're hard as shit. Stand up. I'm not fucking hard, Dad.

I'm not standing up. But Dad's hard. God damn, the idea. Dad's also hard. The idea stands up, dude. Yeah,

we should do that. That's a good sketch. That would be hilarious. But yeah, I'm already nervous for it. Yeah, that's a nervous party. I'm going to. That would be hilarious. But yeah, party. I'm already nervous for it. Yeah, that's a nervous party. I'm going to be embarrassed to be there.

We've got to get over that. Possibly rightfully so, but I can't. You've got to say yes to this party. Just go and just bless it. Just go, guys. I'm just popping in. I think I'm staying in their house. What? Yeah.

Okay, that changes things. Yeah. So you're going in there with a duffel bag. I'm going in there with a duffel bag. Okay, that changes things. Yeah. So you're going in there with like a duffel bag. You're going with like a dad gym bag, like a Puma YMCA gym bag, dude.

You're going with a gym bag. You're like, hey, kids. What's going on? Gym bag and a backwards hat. Like, hey, what's up, guys? Has anybody got any video games? We should play like, we should set up like a FIFA tournament, like all the dudes in the house. Dude, shut the fuck up.

You guys got like hoverboards oh man it's suck i think i'm gonna just get a hotel because i can't the whole thing is i can't can't stay in the rumpus house crash at the frat house i mean you can but it's just bringing in a duffel bag it's a funny oh fuck dude i'm gonna have like a rolly suitcase in a fucking tracksuit oh where's my room you'll be like on the fucking couch i don't even want to do this you have to go i don't want to do this get a hotel and just be like i'm this guy's i just want to pop and say hi and then let them

keep you there and And then have... They were adamant about me coming. Oh, dude. I think they're going to pants me and push me down. I think they're going to cow tip me, dude. I think someone's going to get behind me. They're going to pants me and push me over. And all the beautiful baby girls on spring break

are going to just point and laugh at my fat penis, dude. My penis and my bushel of pubes, dude. I have so many pubes right now. I've so... I gotta trim my pubes, dude, just in case I get pantsed. You should get fully waxed, dude. That would be worse, dude.

If I was fully waxed, my penis was flopping around. You just hit it with the glow worm. Dude, if I get... If I get hazed by a fucking football team, I'll report them, dude. I'm going to report them to the NCAA. I will report them to the NCAA. Oh, my God.

Dude, if you get pants... If I get pants, I'm reporting to the NCAA. There's a penis on pubes, dude. Penis on pubes, dude. The old bird's nest. The egg in the nest, dude. This is the most embarrassing penis. Imagine, dude.

You'd have to stick around. Like the Jussie Smollett thing. You'd have to keep your pants down. You'd have to keep it out for the cops. You'd have to see the penis on pubes, dude. Oh, my God, dude. They're like, I don't know. He showed up. He was showing penis on pubes, dude. Oh, my God, dude. They're like, I don't know. He showed up.

He was showing penis on pubes. You think he would have, like, pulled his pants up or something. That's kind of weird. Oh, my God. Dude. I can't. I don't think I should do it. I'm going to cancel my flight, dude.

You got to go. You got to go. I can't go. Dude, imagine. Imagine. Hold on. Imagine trying to talk to a college chick, dude. It's going to be weird.

Yeah. That whole thing is... I don't think... I shouldn't talk to any of the girls. I should just stick with the fucking sick-ass girls. Ignore all the girls. Have to ignore the girls. You have to.

I got a good feeling they're going to be ignoring me pretty hard. I don't know. They're going to say, who the fuck is that guy? I don't know, dude. They might be like, damn, dude. Fucking famous racist comedian. Who's that? That fucking racist?

SNL fucking sucks anyway. And they're going to say mean things. Well, yeah. Those babes, first of all, they're not going to ignore you, bro. I think they are. There are going to be some eyebrows lifting around. They're going to say, who's this balding fat guy that's hanging out with us? Why is he here?

No way, dude. You've got to act the whole time. You've got to show up a little late and then act the whole time. I'm getting there at 10 a.m., bro. My flight gets in at 10 a.m. I made such a mistake agreeing to this. You're going to get there before they even get the keys to their rental house. I'll just be there early making phone calls.

They're not answering. I'm like, I'm here, guys. I'm out front. Not a good start, guys. Guys, I'm going to level with you. This stinks. Don't worry. I bought some fucking white claws.

I know you guys like that. You guys want me to order pizza? Anybody want pizza? Papa John's? Should I order Papa John's to the kid party? Dude, I can't go to this. You know I can't go to this. You have to.

You just want me to go because of how fucking embarrassing this is. I don't think it'll be embarrassing. Of course that's embarrassing. No, it's not. You have to go. I'm embarrassed now. I'm mad that I bought

a fucking track pants. You have to go. Who do I think I am, dude? Dude, you have to tell us so we can jerk off to it. You should tell them that I'm just going to paint a mental picture for it so all the dogs can catch a nice beat. This is for the dogs.

You have to say yes to this as a man. You've got to, dude. But, boy, this is tough. It's funny. This is tough to do. It's so funny, dude. So you should bring a laser pointer. Should we bring a laser pointer?

Should I bring like a, dude, should I bring like one of those like fog machines and like lasers to put in the living room and be like, figure we'd have a fucking dance party or something.

If you get bored, you should just like hit a laser pointer on the wall, dude. Caught this down at the boardwalk, dude. This thing's fucking sick. Watch out, it'll blind you. Should I never put it on?

This is illegal. This is illegal. This is illegal. You should be a bunch of, like, lightly illegal stuff, dude. Fucking switch players. Hold on real quick. Let me show you the slideshow, dude. Oh, my God.

This is just... Oh, fuck. This is the apartment. Holy shit, dude. You gotta get down there, man. You gotta get down. I... It's... I mean, that's pussy headquarters, dude. You got to get down there, man. You got to get down. I mean, it's pussy headquarters, dude. I shouldn't be near it.

You got to get in there. I'm one of the least people. I should not be near pussy headquarters. True. I don't belong there. Well, you should ID them. I'm a creep, dude. You should ID them.

Should I work the aux? You should. Be like, yo, you guys want to hear some music? You should. Put on Daft Punk. guys want to hear some music? You should. Put on Daft Punk. Just take over YouTube and make them watch fucking memes. True. I could win them over with my memes.

You should just DJ the party. It's not a bad idea. I'll guest DJ. That way you're like, you know. Bring some Beats headphones. This makes no... I think I'm getting pantsed. It makes no sense for them to be inviting me phone. I think I'm getting pantsed.

It makes no sense for them to be inviting me, dude. And I'm going to keep my pubes long. You should comb them. So I have them gelled. Be like, ah, I got you, dude. I knew you guys were bringing me down to pants me. That would be funny. If you thought that, then you actually got pussies. You see these like a butt cut pubes.

And you're like, I thought I was going to get pantsed. I thought the guys were bringing me down to bully me, dude. The guys are so cool. The guys are so fucking cool. You're so pretty. That'll be so funny, man.

It'll be so funny. Go down there. It's giving me tons of eggs. The wheelie fucking suitcase into this place. What's up, guys? Hi. Get a hotel. They're not going to know who the fuck I am.

They're literally going to be sitting there like, why would that guy be here? While you're there? People are going to be mad at the guys who invited me. No way. They're going to say, why the fuck would they bring this weird dude here? They're going to turn on the podcast while you're there. It's going to be just us denying sandy like this shit slaps bro yeah pretty cool yeah get a hotel and just go there and just be like i got it guys i got it i have to i have to get it let them twist your yeah i mean you could in theory go chill there i could see how that would feel a little

weird i don't like being like a guest where I don't know people. I'd feel real weird. Especially a guest at a fucking college party? Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Get a hotel and pop by, dude. That way you can pop by and be like, I just want to say hi. And then let them be like, come on, stay.

And be like, for a little. And let the night take you wherever it takes you. That'd be sweet if you fucked one of the football players. If I filmed it. Oh, that'd be sweet if you fucked one of the football players if i filmed it oh i'd be hot i'm gonna fucking dude i'm gonna dox the fuck out of these kids yeah i'm gonna film everything you should record i mean i keep saying dox in the wrong it's i'm not using it correctly you should hot mic everything and that's what i mean you should expose them all i'm gonna ruin this football program that'd be the ultimate thing to do for Notre Dame. They're the Hurricanes, right?

We're not naming the team. Oh, excuse me. There's a couple of different. Boise's. Boise State. You think it's Boise State? You think I'm going down with the Broncos? Yeah, dude.

Broncos spring break. On the blue turf. Should I dye my pubes? The school colors. Oh, because it's spring break. That's the alternate. I was thinking it was necessarily the team in that. It's not.

It could be any team. Gotcha. There's a team on spring break. No doubt. Well, you could always catch the Philz. I know there's going to be kids that graduated there. Sure. That's who I'm friends with.

Sure. Okay. So I'm going to be significantly the oldest dude there. Sure. Well, you could, age age appropriate go to clear water bro i should pull your pants i should go pull your pants put some khakis on and a philly's coaches polo and watch some fucking spring training watch people throw a ball around i'll never watch baseball practice if i turn down a fucking if i turn down this party i don't think i could

forgive myself you can't the turd wouldn't what would the turd say to do the turd would be already in miami right now. True, true, true. I almost said he was begging to get on. He was asking me to come. Oh, for sure. He was like, wait, when are you going to Florida? Oh, man.

That's turd heaven. Damn, the turd is salivating for pussy, bro. I mean, who isn't, but. Look, this isn't about the sniz, dude. This is about. It's about football. This is only about my love of football. I'm just going to ask you.

I'm going to be popping so many cues about it. Bring a ball. True. That would be tough. Start running routes on the beach. Fall. Shit, my bae. Dude, that would be sick if I fell and my penis fell out again. Oh, fuck.

My penis falls out the whole time after that. After you got paced? Panced? All right, your bae's calling? Yeah. Let's wrap it, dude. Let's wrap it, bro. Hopefully, I actually

am mature enough to not go to this party but gotta go alright let's do it bro I love you I care about you

this could be the last cast if I die at the cool kids party nah you'll just get pantsed you're gonna fucking fall off a balcony if I get pantsed I'm jumping off have a great time

straight off the balcony if I get pantsed in front of the baby girls I'm just supermanning off the balcony don If I get pants, I'm jumping off. Have a great time. Straight off the balcony. If I get pants in front of the baby girls, I'm just Superman and off the balcony. Don't wear snap button pants. They can snatch your pants. They can rip your pants off.

Dude, if we're at a nightclub and they rip my pants off. No one's taking your pants, dude. The only thing I'm afraid of is hot college jocks ripping my pants off, dude. Oh my God.

Oh, fuck. Oh fuck. Let's rip it dude. Who knows. God bless you all.