Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: September 24, 2019

*whistling with hands in pockets  Uh, hey guys. What's up? Wanna, like,  chyll or something? 

Episode 1,357, dude. Oh my god. Oh. My. God. What? This podcast is brought to you by nobody. Shane was a bad boy. Yo, my bad, y'all. Yo, dude. Nah, it's, uh... What the fuck? Dude, what happened, man?

What the fuck just happened? The cast fucking lives! Dude, the cast was too hot. The cast fucking lives Dude the cast was too hot The cast Dude Well you know what it was man It's the classic It was the story of the dude

Who flies near the sun dude Icarus Icarus dude It was classic Icarus Yeah man We at first We were the tree We were the humble tree

Just slowly inching Towards the light And dude We mothed out Flew to a star And they were like Get the fuck no Get this trash out of here

Wait what Yeah man Yeah dude That's uh Classic Icarus dude That's so flew to a star and they were like get the fuck no get this trash out of here wait what yeah man yeah dude that's uh classic Icarus dude that's so wild I mean where do

where do you even where do you start on this thing there's a lot we need to unpack here true Matthew there's a lot

we need to unpack let's get to the core of the reaction let's get to the core of the issue let's put a pin in the Icarus statement and let's get down

to brass tacks yeah walk me through it dude uh what so what was it like dude what was what i mean you were you were moonwalking dude well it's funny because all year like everything's gone well sure i got fucking comedy central jfl snl all this year comedy central's like no he didn't yeah and then it's just so everything's been going pretty well and the whole time i've been like the cast is out there dude the cast is out there but i didn't get anything that uh like theater dorks wanted sure as soon as i got what the theater kids want oh baby they come at you yeah it's almost like they're hiding in the bushes the theater kids yeah they're just like waiting like yeah i heard

you on your podcast you're like oh no come on yeah and then it's like uh what was funny the whole time is like i wanted to defend that clip the whole time like it's so hard to fucking bite your tongue yeah and just be like okay yeah yeah yeah i'm not funny i'm a racist sure okay yeah and it's like dude i there's been times where i've wanted to defend the clip and then it's like well then that opens the door because now i have to defend everything because so right when i got in trouble people were like you need to apologize you need to apologize hard yeah i was like i can't you should like i'm so fucking sorry i'm so sorry i'm so fucking hard oh my god i'm hard that's how sorry i am you need to apologize fucking hard dude i was rock hard every apology i wrote i was erect fully erect dude no this uh i'm so fucking sorry but like i if i apologize for that an hour later

another theater kid's gonna to dig up like, and this is what he said about this? Yeah, man. So, yeah, I mean, obviously I wanted to say sorry to anybody that was actually offended. And first off, I don't think anybody that wrote any article or anything like that was remotely offended. I don't think a lot of people are offended by anything. I think they like to be victims for sure.

Now, based on the DMs and emails I got, I think some people were upset. People were like, fuck you. Some people were pretty upset. They hit you up? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Non-stop. What were the DMs? Like, I'm going to fucking kill you?

Yeah, a lot of death threats. Which is funny because every time... Because to get through this, I'm going to fucking kill you? Yeah, a lot of death threats. Which is funny because every time... Because to get through this, you've got to fucking joke. Sure. The only way you can get... If I took this seriously for a second... A national scandal? Of course.

I'd be devastated. If I sat back for one second and was like, oh, man. That would fucking blow. Yeah, dude. But if you joke about it... You'd Bud Dwyer on stage. I should Bud Dwyer. Dude, if i ever get

on snl i will bud dwyer i'll be like live from my mouth this fucking gun uh but yeah already i'm like jesus christ how many quotes have already been taken out of this yeah he's gonna kill himself on stage yeah uh we'll get to those fucking journos later dude i'm whatever i mean it's inevitable you knew they'd be so you knew that this was coming from the start dude uh the the funny thing is like anytime i would get a death threat or something like i'd be walking down the street and just get an alert and read it and it'd be like fuck you you fat racist piece of shit i'm glad your career's over you fucking garbage human i hope everyone dies that you know i would just be like well that's not exactly what i would call constructive criticism just laugh to myself oh my god i was actually thinking i was in the shower on the way over here and i was thinking

how if like i mean you have you have white stone blackstone dude you can choose either path it was like it'd be funny to take it all the way and to start going like deeply underground and going on Instagram to like different cities and stand in front of like the Eiffel Tower and just say like a horrible word and just be like, and just phase out. Yeah, there's... It's like the newspaper, like, he fucking did it again. Oh my God. He was by the Eiffel Tower.

Well, here's the thing. The news is going to move on. The news has already moved on. He said Pollock by the Eiffel Tower. He keeps saying Pollock. So I will have to like retreat as to who I can be racist against. For sure. I'm just going to double down on the Polacks.

That's what this is, dude. And the Italians. They're coming. Obviously, you fell into formation. They're like, you're going to be racist against white people. Let's fucking go. So you're like, we've got Dagos fucking Polacks. You're like, all right, I'll make fun of them, I guess.

Well, get ready, dude. Now you got them coming after us. The Dagos will get us, dude. But someone was like, this one was so funny this guy was like uh he was like i hope you fucking die and it was all it was like jumbled it was bad spelling so it's funny and then it includes your name in the email list so i saw his name and then i saw what he was typing and it made me laugh and he was like uh you know he's the the whole thing of I hope everybody you know dies if you have a wife I hope she gets raped

in front of you if your parents aren't dead I hope they die slowly and then burn in hell like all this stuff and he was like these are just jokes do you think this is funny and I was honestly by myself laughing like yeah dude pretty funny this is hilarious this is hilarious

that is a thing too man there's another thing I was watching something on YouTube and the guy was talking about pretty funny. This is hilarious. This is hilarious. Well, that is a thing too, man. It's like, well, there's another thing. There's like, I was watching something on YouTube and the guy was talking about retirement,

St. George's retirement. You know St. George is the one who slayed the dragon? Stop, dude. Don't do this. Did you ever hear about this? It's a guy who slayed the dragon and eventually slays a dragon

and everyone's like, St. George is the fucking man. So St. George starts walking around looking for dragons and he's like, this lizard's pretty big. And he's like, dude, I'm a fucking man. And St. George starts walking around looking for dragons. And he's like, this lizard's pretty big. And he's like, dude, in a fucking den, guys. And eventually he comes down to a dude just swinging his sword at the air and be like, got him.

Got another one. Yeah. That's me versus the Polacks. Look, I got another one. And people are like, well, no one cares about that one. The thing is, if you were the fucking CEO of like GlaxoSmithKline, I could see people being like, what the fuck? Yeah.

This is like, it's a comedy podcast, dude. Yeah. It's a comedy podcast. It's just comedy. You're a bad boy. You are an um bad boy. Yeah, I fucking. You said it.

You're like, guys, I was an um bad boy and I'm all right with everything that's happening. Yeah. Oh, that's another thing. That's another thing. Fucking piece of shit. I know you're right. I need very clear and I'm all right with everything that's happening. Yeah. Oh, that's another thing. That's another thing. Fucking piece of shit. I know you're right. I need very clear. I'm not protesting any of this.

Every decision anybody's made, I've been like, yep, I get it. Like, you're fired. Okay. Yeah, like, you're fired. I was like, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. For sure. For sure. Now, then it's like, do I want to go back and defend that clip?

I mean, yeah. I do, but I know it's a waste of time. What, to be like, fuck you guys, that fucking rules. No, not to be like, yo, that was hilarious. Because it wasn't that funny. I mean, we were just sitting in this room talking. Yeah. Gibberish.

Sure. But also, if I do something like that or say something like that, it never you know in that clip i said man let the fucking chinks live there like with that fucking not as hard sure i should have done it harder to make it clear like the man but it was clearly to me what i was going for was pointing out how dumb somebody would have to be to segregate a neighborhood yeah and the type of words they would use now what really sucks is having to break down comedy and explain anything you know this is what i was doing fuck it i'm just gonna keep going we were talking about the origin of chinatown and they reported as if we were both like you ever been to fucking chinatown bro so

then i'm like fuck i go down there i'm like hey get all these ducks out of the window it's like i'm making fun of myself for being a fat fucking idiot that's the whole point yeah i in later in the clip the girl i was with says oh i want neuters and i was like yo chill don't be racist jane gill says hail hitler let us hail hitler before we dine on this cuisine and then the next part of the clip is an asian kid learning english next to me and i have the audacity to be upset that he's trying to better himself while i'm eating noodles with a fork yeah it's like dude no dude you were in chinatown you were like god fucking i hate it i mean dude you want to talk about projection dude these dudes just project the weirdest shit and they

also projected insecurity of not being okay with your life and your career i've had people find me on youtube and be like how's your 332 subscribers going loser and i'm like i don't even know how many fucking youtube subscribers i have i don't give a fuck yeah yeah yeah people are tracking just just hate like yeah you'll see you fucking loser and it's like all right dude yeah how's everything going with you man yeah you guys all right is everything okay and if you how about that if you're listening to this journalist which i'm sure you are could use the headline shangela speaks are you guys all right well that's the other thing too i i again it's gonna be my it's gonna be me i feel like you're getting a lot of frustrated creatives and they see someone a little bit talent having fun people are laughing at him and they just go like yeah maybe I

think there is again a lot of this sucks being serious but I think there are like again I'm not mad at anyone I'm not even mad at fucking the kid who wrote the

story I understand I met him get your money bro go yo I'm about to do things with him the dossier stack that fucking bread like dude it's happening I

was like you'll say stack that bread Seth you're like dude it's happening i was like you'll say stack that bread seth yeah yeah money but like um everybody it's like dude of course everybody did exactly what they were supposed to do hell yeah everybody did exactly what they do all the theater kids were like this is hate speech and i don't like and it's like okay i'm not mad at you yeah that's you do you that's fine and if dude it's't like it. And it's like, okay, I'm not mad at you. Yeah. That's you. Do you? That's fine. And, dude, again, I've said it.

It's like, dude, I fought the theater kids in Philly that played dress-up, and now I'm in New York fighting the theater kids that play dress-up again. Yep. That's what I'm going to do for the rest of my career. That's what it is. It's a lifestyle, dude. Yo, come on, man. It's a fucking lifestyle, dude.

But, yeah, it is confusing as to what to do. What's the next step? It's funny. That's one thing that's been really hard is getting advice from every single person. Every single person on earth has an opinion on what I should do. And what's really frustrating is when people kind of, not condescend, but talk down to you about it. Like they know the answer. Or like, this is what I would it's like bro no one has done this no one's gone from literally not famous at all to just known as a racist like just me and like the cops at ferguson have this fucking track

record like it's fucking crazy yeah there's nothing they can even really judge yeah i know then i don't have a body of work for them to look back on and be like yeah at least he's funny so that's another thing that hurts that's the thing that really hurts is other comics being like yeah well he's not funny yeah but you know where that comes from i know where that comes from because i've done it what you're talking about i've done it for you i've we've talked about smack dude i've talked some smack bro and i and the funny thing is, is the last... My question was, was it opportunistically? Me?

Yeah. No, it wasn't opportunistically. That's what I'm saying. I saw blatant opportunism. People being like... I hear you. I saw the tape and I don't approve. Here's my link to my bio.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. One lady wrote a fucking article to CNN. I talked to her yesterday. Did you really? And I was like... I wasn't mad again i told her the same like i'm not mad at anyone it's all pimping dude dude it's been pimping everybody's been pimping of course everybody's doing what they have to do sure

and uh but she was like yeah i have a book coming out next year i was like oh there it is that might be why you decided to you know be a total hypocrite. So that's why she did what she did. But of course. How's the book? I don't know. I'm sure it'll be great. I'm stoked on it. I'm sure it'll be really good.

I'm stoked on it, dude. Yes, dude. I'm going to have her autograph it for me. It's all worth it. This has all been to fucking give that book the platform it needs. I'm trying to get that book bought. You're a setter, bro. Come on.

We're playing volleyball. And you're like, you know what, dude? Yeah. So the thing that also is funny is hearing comics give me advice which i appreciate everybody's it's usually from a place well somewhat a place of like i'd like to help yeah uh it's also frustrating to hear comics be like well i mean they got him i they're gonna definitely get me bro they'll never get you you're not doing anything you're not doing anything don't worry about it people worry the feds are on their back people are like well now i can't say anything on

podcast i'm like bro you're not up for snl don't worry don't worry it's clear you're gonna be all right yeah um yeah it's uh well it's funny to me when i went on the twitter again i was on a first you were on the twitter i was on the twitter again i was on a first you were on the twitter i was on the twitter they made me break my dopamine fast i really considered being like i'm not looking at this and i'm like i'd be a psycho to be like i'm doing a dopamine fast i can't look at this you are a psycho i know but still so i looked at the thing and it was all like pr firm blue check pr firm digital advertising there was like all these digital entrepreneurs apparently were furious. Everyone I checked was like journalist, PR firm.

If you have your preferred pronouns in your bio on Twitter, you weighed in on this situation. Nobody. That's what you did. I'm saying that's a serious paper chase though. Yeah. Like those dudes and those things are trying to get the online cloud doing this. It's fucking wild. Dude, there are people.

I deleted my social media apps. Okay. Because if I get on there, it's like, oh, my God. You're off your phone? Yeah, off my phone. Gotcha. There are people, and I'll still check it. I'll still download it and look at it every night and just check my DMs, see what's going on.

Fuck you. There are people that are adding me to their story every single day. There are literally people out there with 35 followers that are like, at Shaneane m gillis you fucking piece of shit it's like damn dude chill bro we'll get tired of it yeah they'll they'll talk her out yeah everybody's gonna talk her out the one thing that's funny that reminded me of uh you remember that south park episode where there was there was two dudes that worked at sea world that that tricked the kids into believing the orcas could talk. And they were like, I need to live on the moon with my moon family.

And then they get shot, and they're laying in the street, and they just see the whale getting launched into space, and they're like, ha ha. Never related to that more. Really? Yeah, you got fucking leveled, but pretty funny. It was still funny. They're loving it. Yeah, it was still funny. They're loving it. Yeah, it was still funny.

You're saying they're loving it or you're loving it? No, I don't think you saw the episode. I didn't. I always lie. Whenever someone asks me if I see anything, automatically I'm like, yes. No, well, if you haven't seen it, it's tough to explain. I thought you were talking about the other episode. No, these two dudes in the episode trick the kids of South Park into believing the orcas can talk.

Okay. So the kids orchestrate a way to launch the whale into space. And while the guys are laying there shot and dead in the street in the distance, they see the whale actually getting launched into space and they're just laying there like, it was still funny. And that's like how I feel.

It's like, uh, we did this to be funny. Yeah. And, uh, everybody did exactly what they were supposed to do yeah and that's it was kind of funny again that's that's the funniest part where it's like

now the sites are on comedy podcasts where it's like you can't do that and the sites are not gonna be that's not comedy that's fucking lowbrow i'm saying that's how you were dug up yeah yeah these guys aren't they're not they don't have the tenacity to like start opposing a bunch of comedy podcasts. Yeah, what, are they going to shut down specials? No. No. I mean, if you get SNL, yes, wipe your fucking podcast.

But they're not going to, I don't think they're going to hire anybody like me anytime soon. Which is what was so surprising the whole time, was like, holy shit, they're actually hiring me. Yeah. You know? Should have done the deep dive. Who, them? Yeah, us. Us?

I don't know. I thought about it. There were just too many things out there to even try. Yeah, that's true. Like, I mean, what they got me on was not much compared to what was floating around. Although, I will say this. Reporters, no N-words. True that.

None on my record. True that. Zero N-words. So I thought I was in the clear. You know they were fucking going after that like the Trump tape, dude. Oh, they wanted that N-word. You can get 50 Gs for a Gillis N-word tape, dude. None, baby.

None. Dude, that's the holy grail. That is. That's the absolute holy grail to catch someone on. Yeah, so there was just too many things to try to hide. And so I wasn't even going to. How do you feel now that it's kind of slightly washed over? Well, kind of.

I mean, the Emmys were like fucking two days ago, and I was a red carpet question. They're asking about you. It's like people in $ thousand dollar dresses are like how do you feel about known racist shane gillis like i'm in a fucking gym shorts and sandals in west philly like suck my dick yeah that's some motherfucking bullshit dude yeah but um yeah it'll blow over until this comes out and then i think they're gonna dig through without a doubt people are gonna listen to this and quote this and nobody will listen to this. So the headlines will be,

Shangri-La thinks this is funny, fuck you. You're just giving them head. There's some dudes sitting there like, all right, that's what I'm going to use. Well, fuck it. I don't care. Damn.

I don't. I mean, I know this is what they're going to do. Sure. And I know the population isn't going to listen to this. They're going to see that headline and just go about their day, which is what they've done the whole. Sure. And I know the population isn't going to listen to this. They're going to see that headline and just go about their day, which is what they've done

the whole time. The GP. The GP is just looking at the fucking headline they see. It's like SNL fires racist. Great. I got to go pick up my kids from soccer.

Racist says, fuck you. Racist says, suck my dick. Shangulous known racist. But anybody that listens to this, I think, will be like oh alright Well again it's just One of those weird things where it's like It's almost

Libelous To be like to take someone Something says like if I were to like Start watching Brad Pitt's Fucking film and be like you know Brad Pitt Said the n-word and write a big article like Brad Pitt's Fucking racist and it's like a stretch article like, Brad Pitt's fucking razor. And it's like a stretch. But the difference is

everybody's seen that. So they'd be like, no, that's not how he said it. But if all you've ever seen was me in print saying, first off, which is not even what I said, but let the effing jinx live there. It's funny, I bleeped out effing. Well, that's how it was written, actually.

Yeah, true. So my agent called me i was on the on the train to go to spots and my agent called it was like this is this article this is coming out and she quoted it and read it to me like that like just a statement let the effing live there and i was like i would never say that And I was like, I would never say that. Yeah. I was like, I wouldn't say that. I wouldn't say it like that. I was like,

let me listen to the clip and I'll tell you. And it was me going, like with that voice. Yeah. That's how I fucking said it. So my thing is, you can't be like,

yeah, you guys completely, that's like a journalistic error. No, because then they got the other one on Real Ass Podcast where I said just a bunch of gibberish

racial slurs yeah yeah followed by which no one ever gets the end of these articles or the end of that episode where i'm like there's a thing i do on podcasts and you know it sucks to have to fucking explain this where it's like i try to get someone else to jump in and say something bad with me yeah and then i immediately correct them yeah and i'm immediately like no you shouldn't say that that's bad dude say you're sorry so it's a funny thing to anybody that actually listens to the podcast um and at the end of that episode where i called andrew yang a jew jank which is like it doesn't even make sense no it's pure gibberish now you guys are boys at the end of that yeah andrew yang's a fucking man yeah uh at the end that, I'm like, what are we doing, guys? These guys are out here having fun.

We're just three fat losers spewing hate in a basement. Yeah. Like, clearly at the end of that, I'm fully aware of what I'm doing. They just put an exclamation mark on the end of the sentence. We're spewing hate! Yeah. Somebody quoted that. It was like, it's so fucking cool to be racist.

Someone had that quote. Someone had that one. Could that not be more obvious? They had that one, and they also had like it's good racism it's like yeah real good racism good racism bro

they said it was fucking good they said it was good yeah I can't wait dude I mean dude I was like Hawk from the Avengers dude I was just in the field dude

just chilling all of a sudden I got the call and I was like what back to war dude what happened back to war I was like god damn it no

yeah man um I fought with my girlfriend and left I was like, goddammit, no. Yeah, man. I fought with my girlfriend and left. I was like, fuck, shut up. You don't understand comedy. Shut up. It's fucking comedy, goddammit. Shut up.

You sound like them. Yeah, that's... It's such a hard thing, though, to have to explain to people. You're like, I know, I know. It's just like you're allowed to joke around. Why is that even a joke? It's like, I don't know. It's just, you're allowed to joke around. Why is that even a joke? It's like, I don't know. It's just you can fuck around. We're trying to make people laugh.

It's taken out of hundreds of hours of material. And someone's like, here's 30 seconds. Yeah. And it's also, it's also we're doing this for an audience of people that know, we know what we're saying is wrong. Sure. know we know what we're saying is wrong sure everybody that listens to the podcast hears us say dumb shit and says they know what they're saying is dumb that's why they're saying it there's no other reason to say it but when someone that doesn't know us listens to it they go these guys don't know they're wrong and they're saying wrong things yeah they're saying bad words they'd

hate in their hearts dude they listen to this podcast with hate in their hearts. What manifested but hate on the page of their fucking journalism? I'm just about love, dude. That's what I'm saying, dude. Love conquers all. I mean, dude, I don't want to brag, journalist, but we have like a wide spectrum of ethnicities. No, don't do that. We do.

Don't do that. We do. I know, I know. We do. Don't do that. How dare they? I mean, how dare they? How dare they white-splain comedy for everybody else? That's what I'm saying. We do. Don't do that. We do. I know, I know. We do. Don't do that. How dare they? I mean, how dare they? How dare they whitesplain comedy for everybody else?

That's what I'm saying. They did whitesplain comedy. They're whitesplaining comedy. They also... You just can't live with that. You can't punch down, which is an interesting concept. Dude. So, to say punch down insinuates that you believe white people are superior.

Yes. That's an odd thing. Yeah. Now, the way they'll'll because they have answers for all this they'll they'll push that away by being like well the system's set up for white people by who journalists that say when you say punch down and white people are at the top yeah straight white guys are at the top and anybody we make fun of is punching down um that's they've never been in the trenches bro it's like dude i just don't view it that way

everyone's my fucking kin yeah everyone's at the table with me dude you're at the table with me dude we fucking bust chops yeah i mean i'm not gonna be like your haircut looks funny my black friend but i wouldn't dare speak down to you although your haircut looks a bit funny my black friend you're dressed kind of goofy. I wouldn't dare offend your lowly position. Yeah. It's just fucking crazy. Dude,

what I'm saying is this shit is fucking madness, dude. It is. It's a small amount of people. I don't know how the fuck they control the newspapers, but it's like they're fired up, dude,

and this shit sells newspapers. Yeah. So it's like this stuff is bullshit, dude. It cannot be given the fucking credence of being like, well. Yeah, and that's why I couldn't apologize. Because I understand what it is.

And it's funny to have put that out and then have people be like, this is a bullshit apology. It's like, yeah, dude. Yeah, dude. I'm not apologizing. I apologize to anybody that's actually offended. And I do feel bad about that. For sure. Anybody that never listened to this podcast, never fucking has any idea about context,

and then reads a headline that a guy at SNL is using those words, that probably hurt some people. Yeah, but it's... That probably hurt some people's feelings. For sure. And I feel bad about that. But it's also reported in an inaccurate manner. Well, whoever reported it should probably feel bad. They won't, though.

Fuck no, dude. They won't. And that's another thing that, you know, I don't want to sound too funny like i think i'm profound but like of course throughout this whole thing there's been nights and times where i'd be like laying there and being like damn dude am i wrong like am i fucked up am i wrong about this and then to to remember that you i know the other side has never had that thought they've never sat back and been like maybe i'm wrong about this maybe so that's reassuring knowing that i at least question myself non-stop i know the other side doesn't do that no it's a fucking religion it's a fucking religion dude it's a religion this shit is a religion it

makes no fucking i've had people in my school tell me you have to suspend your logical faculties and just feel it i'm like that's a fucking cult sorry guys yeah it's great dude and it's like the news for do you remember the news in the fucking 90s and then like early 2000s it was just like black guy committing crime tonight black guy and then it was just bush and uh clinton were like we gotta talk we're cracking we're tough on crime we're putting people in jail three Three-strike policy. Now the news is like, oh, white people are racist? I don't know how that happened,

but yeah, fucking knock it off, guys. So you guys had a 10-year narrative of being like a black man selling crack cocaine, dangerous crack cocaine. And here we are, dude. I'm not saying it's all the news' fault, but they stoked a narrative for politicians to ride the coattails of to win the vote, to be like,

that's all this is. Again, we're in the political wake of just propaganda and bullshit. And now it's like, this is literally a religion. There's no religion left. It's just like that Jungian shit. You take religion away and people are like, oh, I don't believe in God. And then they put all that religious energy. If you look at bad words, it was hell and damn back when everyone believed in God.

It was like, hell, oh my God. They really thought you're going to hell. Now what are the taboo words? Slurs. Yeah. It's an inquisition, bro. And I get what you're saying. I was mad, by the way, that called this an inquisition.

It's a fucking inquisition. I'm with you. I'm with you. I feel badly, but I'm with you. There's a human element to where if someone were to be like, God, that hurt my feelings, I'd be like, I feel bad, dude. I do feel bad. Sorry. I do. I feel bad, dude. I do feel bad. Sorry.

I do. I feel bad, right, dude? Yeah. Seriously, dude, because I've been eating, you know, obviously people think I'm fucking anti-Asian food. But it's like I eat fucking pho. That hurt the most. Dude, I eat pokey every day. I love it.

Bro, the one place I go to, they do a rice bowl now. And it's so fucking good. And I was, dude, the whole time. I could see. They cook. I'm like, I was waiting for someone to be like, motherfucker. Look, I know I'm going to have to endure some spit in food for a while. I'm all right with that, too.

I accept those consequences. But it's like. I'm paranoid now, dude. Of course you're paranoid. I'm paranoid as fuck. I'm still poor, so I have to take the train everywhere. I'm just looking around like, please don't take my picture. Looking like a fat fucking moron on the subway right now.

But yeah, that was one of my favorite things. This one article found that picture of me in camouflage with a sheet shirt, clearly posing like a fucking shooter. Looking like an exact white supremacist where'd they get that it's on my instagram it's a funny picture but uh my dude my social media is dead yeah there was that one shitty blog that tried to take me down it was all wrong it was so fucking oh yeah you guys want article not even it was a blog yeah i got a blog from Blob, dude. Yeah. Big old Blob down in Brooklyn. She hit me hard, dude.

She's like, actually, and it was like all of it. It was like, he lives in New Jersey. False. False. That's the thing, too. Wrong. It's a small blog. Wrong.

But it also shows you what's going on. It's like you have a person who's now making pretty severe accusations against me. I checked the links. None of the links link to anything. So you're like, here, you know, obviously I was an online journalist before i know how this works you make a claim you got to link it to like your source so you have if you make a claim you have to hyperlink it and also drives up seo too yeah so if you link to other things it helps in like the search thing so she would link to stuff and it would go nowhere it was just dead ends yeah and then it was like lives in

new jersey false he runs a vegan taco truck false it was all this shit that was false but she just puts it out as if it's a fact and it's like dude that's your job

you're like you guys suck at comedy it's like you're a fucking journalist and you cannot report the thing accurately so it's just such fucking bullshit dude

yeah wait till I hit the fucking dude they know I'm coming I'm a fucking journalist dude yeah man i record everything dude anytime someone calls me i'm like you know this is recorded right yeah that was uh yeah i mean um i'm you just you're a good time charlie dude you're out here trying to tell jokes and make people laugh and have fun yeah um you know it's like you feel obviously you're like dude i legitimately

feel for people i have upset like for real like if someone got really upset i'd be like like there's people i know who are asian i'm like yeah yeah i'm kind of in a pickle right now and i'm like what happened i'm like it's kind of tricky to explain but uh you know and it's like it all depends on the person yeah i know people like whatever dude my i told my lift driver the whole situation he was just like tell you who's really strong in support for us lift drivers dude i'm telling you what we got lift drivers on lock right now i was i ran it down this whole dude i ran down the situation to this dude and uh yeah he was just kind of like okay yeah whatever i don't think he was like he was like polynesian still yeah still he goes yeah man i mean you guys are what it's a comedy podcast bro yeah i i think that's another thing

that's really underestimated by these people is how much normal people really don't give a fuck no normal people don't give a fuck um obviously again if you have your pronouns in your bio you're gonna be upset because that's your thing. That's your currency. Victimhood is their currency. So they're going to keep being like, oh, I'm offended again. So, of course, of course that's what they're going to do. How fucking dare they?

It's funny, too, because we talked about this before, like seeing comedy start to swing that pendulum a little bit. And I was like sitting back like, damn, dude, I don't want to miss out on this. This is what I've been working for. Yeah. i've always been against what's happening in comedy and then i was like i wish i was you know in it and here i am really in front of that wave getting fucked up jonas and the whale dude butt fucked by that way jonas and the whale dude you're on the boat fucking oh fucking how fucking cool is God, dude? How great is our God right now? Being like, yeah, nah, I have other plans.

He's like, oh, you're about to be a millionaire? Nah, chill, chill, chill. Hop in, dude. Yeah, dude. I mean, it goes back to what I was saying in my school. I was telling them, you know, I was like, look, the way I see it is this is a problem for rich white ladies. That's who's offended by this. Yeah.

And obviously there's other people offended, but that's who's really pulling the strings on this shit. Not for rich white ladies. That's who's offended by this. Yeah. And obviously there's other people who are offended, but that's who's really pulling the strings on this shit. We're not just rich white ladies. There's also, there's a bunch of white dudes. Yeah. I don't want white ladies to take the full brunt of this. There are a ton of dudes that are like,

I'm also with you in solidarity that this is wrong. And it's like, okay guys, we get it, man. This is your identity. This is their identity is victimhood and they need they need it true otherwise i mean they're obsolete i wonder what happens if they read the news and like nothing outlandish or scandalous happens there's like they'll find it fuck they'll find it they found

a comedy podcast to be upset about they'll'll find something. Dude, I'm... Meanwhile, fucking like Iran was bombing a Saudi fucking oil... No, no, no, that's not important. Dude, it doesn't matter. This comedy, Matt and Shane's secret podcast? Are you kidding? That's the funny, too. The thing for these people who are like, check my fucking blog out, whatever.

If they're so worried about the state of the world, there's so many things you can do. There's so many volunteer opportunities. And if you're going to be like, I mean, I could do that, but I'd rather save the world through my fucking blog. Make sure to check it out and drive my traffic. It's like it's so fucking see-through and transparent. It is. And that's been the problem we've had with all this since the start of this.

That's the whole thing. It's been how transparent all this shit has been. Self-serving. It's not like we'reserving it's it's not like we're upset with it we're not mad at any minorities we're mad at the fucking weirdos orchestrating this thing it's real fucking transparent and weird yep it's like i don't know and then another thing another thing that i'm mad at any minority that'd be crazy we're not we're not this is ridiculous i still but i, I really think about that of like someone writing,

writing me as a character or you just sitting there and be like, hey, I was in this Chinese restaurant and I was like, oh, I'm hungry half an hour later

I've been tricked by the Chinese again. Like I eat Chinese food like a World War II veteran. Yeah, yeah. Just for some reason I was like, yeah.

Yeah. Well, and also your quote of being like, Chinese food's a very dishonest cuisine. Obviously, that's a ridiculous statement. I know.

To call any cuisine, it's just a funny statement. I know. It's funny to pretend to be upset about these things. Yeah. To sit here and be like, not in my country, these goddamn ducks in the window. Obviously, we're making fun of somebody who would be upset about that. They pinned you up on ducks in the window? Yeah, they got me on ducks in the window.

They got me on a lot of... Dude, how funny was the Gettysburg one? The Gettysburg, the lady thought she had us. I was smiling, dude. Dude, that one didn't go anywhere because it was funny. No. She tried to be like... And then Gillis, who had just been to Gettysburg that day,

referred to the Confederate war cry as, so gay. And any women that pretended to be men to fight in the war as flat chested bitches. It's like, dude, come on. I just got a bunch of likes. Then again, dude, you're at fucking Gettysburg. I was at Gettysburg. I love it.

The tour guides, like, and there was women who did it. You just like tighten your hat and you're like, flat chested bitches. How dare they? It's against the law. Oh, man. You weren't allowed to enter the military back then. It was flat chested bitches. How dare they? It's against the law. Oh, man. You weren't allowed to enter the military back then. Those flat chested bitches. I don't like it.

I don't like it. Dude, I mean, it is too funny to read all that in print. Hot Southern boys, dude. Hot Southern boys, dude. They likened it to prison rape. The hot Southern boys. It's like, dude, they're like the Connecticut brigades were just like sweet boys sent down to pleasure the men baby oh yeah they couldn't get us on that one because the gettysburg stuff was

funny and everyone was just like yeah yeah yeah not that that's a good one shelf that one because it's too funny uh my favorite too was the that dude that came and recorded my set that helped me so much yeah people were even in text it was funny so fucking so it was like all right nice thanks guys thanks for the fucking hookup on that one yeah that was like a total fucking misfire yeah like we got him he's doing stand-up he's doing stand-up again it's like when you're listening to the germans and you're like what are they saying oh fuck? Oh, fuck. It's when they learned all their science. Oh, that's actually good fucking science. This was... Yeah, so there's...

I did want to keep doing stand-up and keep having them quote me doing stand-up. Because this, what we're doing right now, will without a doubt be greatly fucking misquoted. You think it'll be scrutinized? I couldn't be more certain that this episode will be not good and what did i do to act most stupidly dude i mean that's all i can do that's all i can do dude yeah that's the another fun fucking accusation is that i'm some fucking like alt-right trump supporter which was so funny because when this whole thing happened and i got in trouble for like homophobia and racism,

everybody on the right was like, that's just free speech, baby, free speech. And then I was like, it'd be funny if Trump got shot. They were all like, call the FBI. This guy's a murderer. Yeah, I mean, that is pretty funny. They also kind of, that one kind of threw them for a loop. They were just like, who picked that up?

That was Fox, right? Everybody. Everybody picked up that quote. Fox really ran with it. Yeah, man. I mean, you did a little fucking logic storm on them. You Dr. Strange'd the situation. You're like, kill Trump.

And they're like, wait, what? What the fuck? Yeah, I'm not into politics. Politics are gay. I still think, again, if they corner you after this episode, if you've got to do it, you should, like, go in front of the pyramids and have, like, a big trench coat flipped up and just be like, gay. He goddamn did it again. This is Carmen Sandiego.

It's like a powder. Just keep popping up in different cities. The powder flashes. The pyramids are gay. God damn it. The Egyptian fucking president is like, we will stop him at any cost yeah so i don't know man it's no i don't think people are going to listen to this i don't i know people aren't going to listen they're going to get clips out of this

and say this is what they're doing anybody that listens to this is probably rogues might fucking listen dude dude. Dude, please. Dear St. Rogies, dude, please save us, dude. Please, St. Rogies. Rogies, descend upon us and save us, dude. Please fucking bless us.

Or, dude, Rogies want Kenobi. You're our only hope, dude. Please. That's all I can think about, dude, is Rogies saving us, dude. Dude, I don't think Rogies is helping.

He'd be like, God, dude, he'd come down and impregnate my girlfriend. He'd be like, no, dude, he'd come down and impregnate my girlfriend. I'd be like, no, that's yours. Don't worry about it. Rogues, descend upon us, please. Please help.

Please bless us, dude. Yeah, and then, again, there's comics talking shit. All good. Dude. Do your thing, bro. Loving it, dude. Love the trash talk. So many iconic comedians come down and trash me.

Oh, dude. All these dudes I've always looked up to. Yeah, man. You know? You're talking about CT, bro? I'm not naming names, baby. That was my... I mean, that's when fucking rivals become...

That's when idols become your rivals, dude. You're what, Titus? Yeah, dude. Oh, man. I used to remember. I used to flip back and forth. Yeah, I used to flip back and forth between infomercials and Titus and be like, Nah, watch a fucking infomercial.

I always skip that show. Titus. He's a god, dude. He's a comedy god. Nine 90-minute specials, bro. Nine 90-minute specials. All gold. So good.

Hit me with some bits, dude. What's your favorite Titus bit? My favorite Titus bit is he uses a TED Talk microphone. My favorite one is when he does a Michael Jackson microphone and goes, brrrr. Dude, that was my favorite one. One of the funny things is anybody that's talked shit that's a comedian has typically had a clip of them on a podcast saying ridiculous shit. I know.

And Titus's was so funny. Titus was like, he was like, let's start. It was like the intro of his podcast. He's like, let's start with hard facts. Asians can't drive for shit. He was like, no Grand his podcast. He's like, let's start with hard facts. Asians can't drive for shit. He was like, no Grand Prix winners. No NASCAR. He listed all that shit.

It's like Malaysian Airlines. They suck. And then he was like, the last thing you want to hear on a plane is, oh, this is your pirate speaking. He said that? Yeah, of course he did. Oh, of course, dude. A lot of this, too, is a, it's like a tag, you're at redemption kind of thing. Yeah. You got some skeletons in the closet and you're like wait what are they doing now they're

going through fucking podcasts it's like i just want to say i don't support this shit at all yeah this is fucking hack yeah this is hack that fucked me up dude hack and unfunny was what hurt if you guys you know if you know if you want to hurt me if e and fucking variety and vulture are like racist piece of shit i'm like yep, yep, yep, that makes sense. Coming from you guys, yes. Coming from other comics being like hack bullshit. But again, I did that too. True.

And here's the other thing, because people aren't listening to this. They didn't listen to the full thing. They didn't listen to three years of this. full thing they didn't listen to three years of this so at the beginning of the podcast i was a open micer in philly living in a fucking basement on a mattress eating fucking beans i would steal from my parents house true heavy dosage of beans i bet zero dollars for five years that checks out uh i'm fact checking all this god damn it shut your phone off sorry no it's okay i'm fact checking all this dude that checks out i've seen the beans you've seen the bean can real-time fact-checking so this is coming from a place of i'm watching comics get like i think i'm not going anywhere

yeah i'm sitting in a basement being like people don't like me because i'm a straight white guy and it's hard for me and it's so hard and then as soon as i moved to new york no fucking beans you're like the bad guy from dennis the menace getting off the train eat an apple with a knife so i i talked shit on a bunch of comics that i thought were getting clapped her and it bothered me sure as soon as things as soon as i moved to new york within one year this year year, everything changed. Agency, management, Comedy Central, JFL, Saturday Night Live. In one year.

I have to be kind of good at stand-up to get some of those. Can somebody concede that? How dare you, dude. I have to be okay to get those things. Sure. But as soon as I realized, and it happened before I moved to New York, I was just like, I've got to stop fucking wailing on this woke shit. It's embarrassing. It makes me look like a whiny bitch. I'm done and it happened before I moved to New York. I was just like, I got to stop fucking wailing on this woke shit. It's embarrassing.

It makes me look like a whiny bitch. I'm done with it. And I tried to move on. And people brought up that I said Judd Apatow was gayer than ISIS. Which I don't want to hurt any like that. But it is funny knowing Judd Apatow was on set somewhere. And one of his fucking publicists came up and was like uh excuse me judd uh variety just ran an article that said a comic called you gayer than isis and he just had to sit there be like huh what does that mean

but yeah it all came from a place of insecurity and all that. Hold on, dude. Let me linger on that. Yeah. God damn it, that is funny. There's someone with a little clipboard. Mr. Apatow. Excuse me, I know you're busy.

Here's your coffee. Also, someone called you gayer than ISIS. What the fuck does gayer than ISIS mean? So I get it. So these comics Talking shit But it was your karmic debt It's okay You built up a karmic debt I certainly did

You had a fucking Heavy karmic debt Bro I accept all punishment Sure Come at me It's okay How much do you accept it?

Are you talking about Tied up naked Getting your fucking Pink hiney slapped Or like Don't call my hiney pink dude Sorry Sorry

You actually Had a lot of people Commenting on the pinkness Of your hiney pink dude sorry you actually you've actually had a lot of people commenting on the pinkness of your hiney i am a very pink man people call you a pig this pink pig that fucking that asian subreddit's going in bro i'd never seen an asian supremacist before that really i don't yeah no i'm fucking japan where the fuck do you hang out? Japan. That's true, yeah. Every, yeah. I mean, I didn't know there was like, I mean, it just furthers my theory that, you know, this is a human behavior across the spectrum of humanity.

What is? That there's just like races of people who talk shit on other races. Yeah. And again, it's one thing when you're in a comedy podcast, you're joking, you're fucking off. If you were in a subreddit being like

these fucking pink pigs these Asian fucking pigs and if you were writing articles about like why do white chicks date XYZ race that's what I'm reading in these fucking

yeah why white men are stealing Asian women yeah and they're like because they obviously hate their fucking parents it's like whoa I've heard that from white guys talking about why

white chicks date black guys yeah it's crazy it's like obviously they, whoa, I heard that before. I've heard that from white guys talking about why white chicks date black guys. Yeah, it's crazy. It's like, obviously, they have problems with their Asian identity. It's fucking crazy. I didn't know that existed in that. I mean, dude,

the shit they claim that makes them superior is so fucking funny, dude. It is. They're like, white people are dirty, white people have, we don't have their STDs and shit.

Which is like, I didn't know. Good to know. I didn't know they didn't gain our horrible STDs stds well they apparently don't get lung cancer either from smoking really it's very low lung cancer in the asian community is very low wow yeah good for them yeah apparently they could just skip stds nice i mean dude we can go back to it maybe they are fucking superior i think they they are, dude. They might be. They're just geared. Like, dude, honestly, what happened was they were running the world for a while.

You know ancient history. Let's not get into this shit. No, they were killing it. They were killing it. Yeah. It's a fluke, dude. The fucking Genghis Khan decimated Asia, crushed North Africa. Wait, wait, wait.

What? G-Khan. I don't think he got into North Africa. I thought he did. Or, excuse me, crushed North Africa. Wait, wait, wait. T-Con. I don't think he got into North Africa. I thought he did. Excuse me, the Middle East. Yeah, he did. Excuse me. Genghis Khan crushed the Middle East, crushed Asia. White dudes were still shitting in puddles outside,

and then everything was fucked up, and we hopped on horses and were like, oh, dude, we're the fucking best. Well, they had horses. That's how they did it. Huh? Genghis Khan, it was cavalry. Sure, but then that all fell apart.

What I'm saying is they decimated so much of the world around Europe. I don't want to get fucking tied into this. It's world history. You think world history has something to do with dudes on Reddit being like, we don't get STDs. Because I'm telling you, they have 5,000 years of just crushing it.

And they're coming back, dude. They're coming. And not in a bad way. I'm ready for it. This is why I don't want to have this conversation. Why? Because it's not going to come out great. I'm appreciating them for fucking...

Of course, of course. The dynasty. I know you're not doing anything wrong. I know you're not. But if we get into race by history, it's not going to be a great fucking look. Well, the narrative right now in my school is that history starts in the year 1700.

Yeah. And just everyone was minding their own beeswax. And a white dude came through on a boat. The honkies came through. It was just like, you guys want some fucking diseases? You want diseases of God? Because we got a bunch of it. That's the historical narrative right now, that everything started that's like the the big bang in terms of like everyone

was just chilling everyone was just like if you paint with uh and all of a sudden white people were just like get the fuck out we can't have this shit how'd you guys get all this land they're like we've just been here forever yeah so what i'm saying is i mean i i just i didn't put the thing together dude because you can't be crushing that hard hard and not have a little bit of that venom in you. Everybody does. Exactly. Yeah. I don't fucking like it at all, dude.

What don't you like? I don't like it at all. Anyone says they're supreme. I don't care what you look like. Yeah, I think throughout our podcast and comedy, we've been pretty clear that we're just two humble men, dude. True that. Two humble peasants. True that.

Two peasants, dude. Two peasant kings. That's what happened, dude. You're a peasant king, dude, and you stepped up in the elite. We're just like, no. No. No, bro. Can't have that.

No. Yeah, there's a lot to discuss. And obviously, like always, neither of us really prepared for this. So it is going to be disheveled, and we are going to say dumb shit, but... Journalists tapping their pencil. Will you guys fucking say something? Come on. They got a lot. What? They got nothing.

That's what you think. Trust me. Get me on shit, dude. Trust me, they got me. Looking at Genghis Khan, dude, that shit I said is true. But yeah, that's uh yeah it just sucks but it doesn't i don't know the thing that also sucks is having people come up and be like you okay yeah it's like yeah i'm fine how you doing through this you're all right man i know it's really hard it's like yeah of course it's hard yesterday what's the hardest thing for you the hardest thing is yesterday sucked yesterday was like so since this started i've just been on the phone yeah non-stop true every single person non-stop for fucking a week

and a half just on the phone you're gonna need like sales calls someone's like hey and you're like dude i know man it's fucking bullshit yeah yeah i still got calls we have two tickets your car insurance is out of date yeah i know man dude fucking night car insurance trying to pick it back together man uh but so and then you get this big adrenaline the whole time i had adrenaline yeah like you're just going through just a fight you're just getting fucking rocked and you can can't say anything back. Because no matter what you say is bad. Yeah. No matter what I say is going to come out bad. Like if I got on fucking CNN and was like, I'm not racist and I'm really sorry.

Yeah. I can't do it. You can't do it. If you apologize at all, it's bad. What if you Icemaned? What if you went on CNN and you were just silent? You were just like. That's bad luck too. The only thing I can do were just like... That's a bad one, too.

The only thing I can do is be funny. That's the only way out of this. And I will. So that's been the hardest part. You get all this adrenaline. And then yesterday it fucking died. And I was just dead. Yeah, you crashed hard.

I was just dead. I was like, fuck it. So it was like five days about? Six days of just... Yeah, I don't know. I don't even know how long it was. How'd you sleep? I slept okay. Okay. okay it's all right i'm like throughout the weekend yeah i was fine sleeping gotcha um yeah all of a sudden it just all that adrenaline dissipate

dissipates and you're just like whoa what the fuck just happened uh and then i'm you know i'm still getting calls from management and all these people it's like i don't give a fuck yeah everybody had a game plan as to how to handle it and none of them you can punch a hole in every single one because nobody's done this there's no playbook for this yeah there's i'm getting shit on by everyone i'm getting shit on by comics i'm getting shit on by the media everybody and so any plan gets fucking crushed because like let's say i go sit down with fucking andrew yang there's a ton of holes in that like how that could go bad sure uh let's say i go on fucking cnn that's embarrassing to go on and be political about comedy. That would suck. And to,

to have, unless you, if you called Anderson Cooper coop the whole time, I was thinking that I was like, listen, listen, coop, this whole thing has been a real fucking drag.

Okay. We're going to have to go to commercial. Scrub that. Yeah. Uh, there's like, yeah, there's no option.

That's a good option. There are no good options. Yeah. Other than just going back to business as usual. Keep it fucking moving. Huddle up. Keep doing the podcast. Keep doing comedy. That's the only thing I wanted.

That's another thing. I didn't want to do this. A lot of people were like, you're really funny. You should go do this. And I was like, I kind of just like doing stand-up. I don't know. And they were like, here, go audition. I was like, okay.

I did really well. They were like, yes, dude. You're go audition. I was like, okay. I did really well. They were like, yes, dude. You're a star. I was like, okay. Okay. And they're like, we're going to fire you. I was like, okay. You were just wearing cargo jean shorts, and they're like, okay.

The whole time. Total fucking. I don't have one outfit. I'm in all these high-powered meetings wearing jeans and a t-shirt. You're a total Scotty, dude. Did Billy ever tell you what a Scotty is? No. It's just a dude who wears greasy cargo shorts

and fucking eats gas station food and just gets skipped on Tinder all the time. Scotty is my favorite fucking slang. I'm a complete Scotty right now. Scotty, you're just dipping and you're just eating fucking Twizzlers and you're just like, fucking bitch, fucking...

Yeah, and again, I haven't been mad... You took ecstasy and throw up. You're just like eating fucking Twizzlers and you're just like fucking bitch. Yeah. And again, I haven't been mad. You took ecstasy and throw up. I haven't been mad at anyone this whole time. That's true. And I don't know. I mean, the thing too, again, in terms of the comics talking shit. I'm just trying to do stand up, dude.

I'm just trying to do hood rat things with my friends. That's what I'm talking about, dude. I'm just trying to do hood rat things. dude. I'm just trying to do hood rat things with my friends. That's what I'm talking about, dude. I'm just trying to do hood rat things. You're just trying to flow. Yeah, bro. When I see the comics talking shit, I wouldn't feel badly because, again, it seemed... I saw a lot of back-and-forth type responses. Like, fuck it, dude.

Comics stick together. And then, like, a day later being like, it's not funny. Fuck him. Yeah. People said, fuck me a couple times. Like, the other guy sucks. And I'm like, fuck you, dude. Well, they all

had to backpedal so they supported me and then the way they could keep their integrity to be like you can say whatever you want that's what everybody wants in comedy everybody wants to be like you can say whatever as long as it's funny this wasn't funny this was just hate speech so they get to keep their integrity they get to shun me yeah and keep their own thing keep their comics that's what they're doing so that's fine i understand i know what they're doing now if i heard that clip you and me heard that clip if i heard a guy got fired from snl for using racial slurs i'd be like yeah that guy fucking rules dude that guy's hilarious but but you're laughing but i this is this is the fucking kebab in the meat though this. This is what I'm talking about. You are laughing at that situation.

Yeah. You are viewing it in a way that's meta, being like, hilarious. The guy got on SNL. The situation is funny. Now, someone would say that. Shane Gillis thinks it would be awesome if someone got fired for using slurs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what they do.

And they're missing out on the bird's eye vantage. They just don't have, dude. They don't have it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what they do. And they're missing out on the bird's eye vantage that they just don't have, dude. They don't have it. Yeah. Being like, God damn, that's a funny fucking situation. Yeah, man.

And it is. You're describing me like, this is South Park. This is South Park. This is that episode where the orca gets launched to the moon and those dudes

that just got shot are laying there being like, ha ha. Like, that's crazy. That's funny. Yeah, and then there's people that are like, oh, don't fall into being like an alt-right guy. It's like, dude, I'm not.

Yeah. I don't give a fuck about politics. Yeah, dude. I'm not even alt-right, dude. I'm just... What's such a bullshit? It's just like a... If you're against what these people are propagating

you are all right exactly so it's not my whole point is this is what i was trying to say it's not something i obviously see how it's something to be worried about but you can't because it's not up to you whether you're these things or not it's up to whether uh kind of particularly nasty frustrated power hungry individual decides to use you as you know what i'm saying yeah of course but you can't be like look here's all my shit and they're like yeah you would say that fuck you like yeah yeah no matter what i say it's bad that's what i'm saying i'm aware of that yeah um it's been hard to figure out what to do but you know i'm just gonna keep doing stand-up that's all i can do and let people decide for themselves if they think it's funny.

Yeah, dude, it's your constitutional right. You can carry a gun and do standup. Not a problem. You're bringing a gun to stand up and you're going to speak whatever the fuck you want. I hear you.

Hell yeah. I hear what you're saying. There's a quote. What? Jay Gillis is bringing a gun. Yeah. I mean, they're going to have is bringing a gun. Yeah, I mean. They're going to have to rip that gun out of your fucking hands. They're going to have to pry it out of my cold, dead hands.

They're going to have to pry the mic. I heard the government's coming to take our mics, dude. Yeah, that's so funny. The comic's like, what, man? The PC police, man. They're going to come. What the fuck? It's like, yeah, I mean.

I don't know. I don't want to be well you could you could uh that'd be a good thing too because we could always get so if you're a podcaster what you should do is sublet or have your parents like sell you the basement as a condo because that'd be a whole separate warrant so they came to serve it you'd be like ah you kicked in my door that was a fucking false arrest therefore they throw it out in court and you get your mics back. True. That's what I'm saying. I hear that.

We got to fucking, we got to get, they got to warrant something, a federal warrant on this thing, dude. They're coming. They might. I'm going to get into it. Another thing I was worried about was sounding like I wanted to be the fucking mouthpiece for comedy. Yeah.

And like the arbiter of fucking, like this is, you know, I'm not Patrice. Yeah. I'm not, like I don't have a body of work i'm fucking new yeah so like i don't want to be the guy that's trying to come off as that he just walks on me he just walked on the bus dude it's some fucking eighth graders like get out of here yeah um what's also dude i'm telling you there's a lot of in in the comedy business from at least what i've seen There's a lot of In the comedy business From at least what I've seen There's a lot of Very very desperate people Yeah of course

Very desperate Very unhappy people Even people that have shit Are still From what I've seen In my limited scope Besides Bruce Bruce That's my fucking dog

Yeah Bruce Bruce That was the only person I opened for Who was like Seemed happy with his life Yeah Bruce Bruce had a good old time Everyone else was kind of like

Yeah I'll shut up Fucking more Yeah dude I'm like dude It's fucking sold out They're like yeah But no I was in Tennessee Last week happy with his life. Yeah. Bruce was at a good old time. Everyone else was kind of like, yeah, shut up, fucking more. Yeah, dude. I'm like, dude, it's fucking sold out. They're like,

yeah, but no, I was in Tennessee last week and there wasn't fucking anyone there. Dude, I don't fucking know. I can't take it. It's like,

yeah, Jesus, man. Yeah, there's get people running on fucking paranoia constantly. I just want to put that out there from what I've seen.

Yeah. People in standup, high profile peeps, dude. Yeah. Seem kind of... Not everybody. A lot seem real unhappy and paranoid the whole time.

It's a kind of fucked-up thing to have to do. Yeah. Go on the fucking Fox show. I've seen comedians go on there and be like... They start talking about like... They're like,

so what's going on with you? And they're like, oh, my wife won't let me have bacon. I'm eating healthy food now. And it's like, dude, just fucking go to sleep. Yeah. Nobody gets, no one's watching that, dude. I know, but you have to do it.

Yeah. There's like, in the contract of comedy clubs, they're like, you got to go do morning radio. You got to go do the morning news and be like, hey, everybody. Norman does it well. Does he really? Mark Norman does it really funny. If you see his clips. On morning radio radio he's good

morning news yeah just go on and be like patty like his whole yeah it's funny hi dude um yeah i don't know i'd freeze up oh yeah i'm more of a fucking sound boom guy yeah but can i just fucking why don't we pause this i think we're hitting a wall. Go ahead. We back. Yo. What's up, baby? Another thing I wanted to talk about that is pretty funny is the people in our orbit talking shit online and saying fucking horrible things. Of course, that's not helping.

You know what I mean? It's not helping me at all at all i get there's no stopping it you're catching flack on it i don't think it well there's also that double standard of like so say you're like a fucking ona guy or like a come down guy or like our fans just commenting on people that are offended by this by being like you fucking like using slurs again uh that's a horrible look for me. Which is not the vibe, dude. That's not what we want.

It's not the vibe. That's not who we're after, bro. No, it's not the vibe. But what's funny is I'll be held accountable for anybody that's a fan of ours in their comments. Sure. Meanwhile, somebody who writes an article about me and I get, you know, a thousand death threats,

they're not held accountable for that. There's no accountability there. I've had fucking people call me that spoke out and talked shit on me be like complaining that they're getting fucking cyber bullied. And I'm like, oh, you want to talk about

fucking getting bullied online? Are these comics? Or just like random ass people? Yeah, I've had comics, yeah. They'll be like, now I'm getting bullied. Yeah, well now your fans are saying this about me.

Sure, throw your fucking hat in the ring, bro. It's like, bro, you're in getting bullied. Yeah, well, now your fans are saying this about me. Sure, throw your fucking hat in the ring, bro. It's like, bro, you're in here now. I mean, does this translate into a celebrity boxing match between you? I'm going to beat the fuck out of the Bagel Boss. Me and the Bagel Boss are going to blows over this. It's going to be me versus Bagel Boss and Beetlejuice. Can we do a classic tag team?

Who do you want to fight? You and me versus Beetlejuice and Bagel Guy? I'll fight whoever whoever i don't care uh fighting titus dude titus bro with his old guile looking motherfucking ass dude titus is gonna rock he's gonna try to do an upside down jump kick on me i'm gonna zangief his fucking ass dude titus is coming for you fuck that dude titus versus matt mccosker. Dude, I'm Ryu. He's Guile, dude. I'm going to fuck him up, dude. Or do Capoeira. Titus, whatever.

I'm going to fight him. I don't care. I threatened Violet. No, I'm going to fuck Titus up. Stop. Yeah, there's a lot to talk about. No, that is true. People can be like, I'm going to fucking kill you.

And you're like, I'm getting death threats. People are like, ah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then our fans go out and say horrible things. And they're like, this is the type of hate that they promote. It's like, what about the hate you promote? Because I'm getting fucking death threats. And it's funny, too, because I've heard everybody that's gotten death threats before complain about them.

And I'm like, I don't care. Yeah. I know they're not real. Sure. But it's just like uh it's a lot like when you make fun of ghosts like if i'm in public and i'm like ghosts aren't real fuck you and then right before i go to bed i'm like sorry about that ghosts i was just kidding i know you're in my closet right now we're good same thing with death threats i'll go out and be like man fuck death threats and then right before bed i'm like ooh, better lock that door. You'd be paranoid as fuck, dude.

Yeah. I'm paranoid. I'm scared to get shot anyway. Of course, you should be. I don't have any death threats, dude. You should be scared to get shot. That's a fear. Yeah, but dude, how do you think they'd come get you?

I don't know, probably. I don't know. Don't set me up. I'm just saying. Don't't know i don't know don't set me up i'm just saying don't set me up i know what you're trying to get me to say yep yep i know what you're trying to do don't try to fucking do that to me in like two weeks we'll be able to get back to that in terms of weaponry in turn what weapons do I expect? I don't know, man. I'm kidding.

I don't know. Oh, man. It's funny. That's a fucking pootie tang joke, dude. There's probably people out here that's doing the fucking algebra, and they're like, oh, hilarious. Yeah, man. Wow.

And it's funny, because in order... That's the new wave, dude. That's a new vibe. Unspoken jokes, then a journal assessment. I think's funny because in order... That's the new wave, dude. That's a new vibe. Unspoken jokes. Then a journal sass. I think this is what they're talking about. This is what they meant. It's like, nope.

Oh, now you're racist. Oh, you're bad. You're racist. That's another funny thing. He's like, I keep saying that too. Sorry. That's a funny thing. I'm still...

I have so many scenarios. How I'm going to get hit? Yeah, I got a bunch. Maybe some smoke bombs. I don't know. Just stay out of snowy courtyards if you can. I'm avoiding them. Go ahead.

I forget. No, no. Another funny thing. I genuinely forget. People are trying to murder you. People are trying to murder me. That's all right. And there's a double, there is a clearly, Tim Pool talked about that.

About how, he's like, I can't even like, I don't want to let people know I have a girlfriend because people always give her death threats and Twitter is just like, pussy. I'm telling you, man. This is a, and I like to do, I like to fuck around. I like to have fun. This is a small amount of people who are just like ruining shit. And again, they all think they're saving the world, which is the most fucked up part about it yeah that's that's like why i haven't been upset i just because i know that they believe they're right yeah but there are dudes that they literally

think they just stopped a guy who does hate speech yes they think they did that yeah but it's like they think they're going to save a world the world or maybe a world i haven't you know we haven't made contact yet but it's like I think they're gonna save The world Through their shitty blog You know what I mean Yeah They're like

And I broke the story On Brian Dasher Dot word mash doc Or whatever the fuck it is And it's just like Dude You're clearly trying to come up Stop

Yeah It's the only thing left dude It's fame for people It's the only thing left Yeah And it's for people it's the only thing left yeah and it's just like dude it's just a crab in a bucket scenario of course that's dude the vibe of the podcast at least for me right now it's trying to take people back dude take them back to their lives everything's cool around you stop forsaking all the cool shit around you in order to like get ahead in some weird fucking industry like creative expression well billy was talking to me about it

it's funny to make fun of the hipster apocalypse. Oh, dude. All these people that are doing all these blogs and all this shit, it's like, dude, the comedown from this wave is going to, we're going to get a lot of cool-looking fucking bus drivers. You know what I mean?

There's going to be a lot of guys with like an arrow tattoo on their forearm driving your bus. There's going to be a harsh comedown. Taking shots at Honest Tom, bro. No, not at Honest Tom. Honest Tom's driving a bus. Is gonna be a harsh taking shots at honest time no not at all that's what me and billy would billy was taking shots wow that's billy see but look fucked up my family why can't my family ever get along dude the uh no it's good but i'm that's that

was a bad example i apologize pretty funny here's the hipster apocalypse of like oh man you guys ran there's gonna be a lot of landscapers out there with fucking curly mustaches oh yeah dude with a fat ass whip dude there's no landscapers with a fat ass fucking whip on their face yeah dude no dude i've said it before in about five years i'm gonna fully stock up on antidepressant stock psych meds because these people dude when the art school loans aren't paying themselves off, mommy and daddy die. You start a warehouse full of artists. None of your fucking dickhead friends pay you any rent.

Now you don't have any money. No, you don't have any money. No one's checking out the blog. You've taken down Shane, dude. You're like, what the fuck? I did everything I was supposed to do. That was cracking me up. It was like, we got to take him down. I'm like, what the fuck? I did everything I was supposed to do. That was cracking me up. It was like, we got to take him down.

I'm like, bro, I live in a hallway in Queens. What else do you want? They're just going to seal you up, dude. They're going to block you in so you can't leave. You're like, all right, fuck it. We got to be quarantined. Yeah. Well, do you walk around dealing with like you don't know who knows about it, and you're

like, you see people, and you're just like... Yes. Thankfully, I live in Queens, where everybody's from fucking Uzbekistan. That's pretty sick. And they're just like... They got bigger fish to fry than online blogs. For sure. Like, in Queens, I'm all right.

In Manhattan and Brooklyn, oh boy. Really? Yeah, we got some lookers. Well, it's such a weird thing about news now, because there's some people like, oh, my God, they would text me, what the fuck happened to your boy? And then it's like, I'll tell them, like, do you hear what happened? They're like, wait, what?

I don't hear about that. So the news is, like, stuff can go national, but it's like. There were people on stage this weekend. While I was on stage, they were like, who are you? What the fuck are you? I'm like, oh, I got hired and fired by snl this week they're like oh like what'd you do i'm like nah nothing it's a lot it takes like 10 minutes to explain yeah dude but i haven't really run into anybody that was saying like fuck you

on the street yet of course dude you're fucking six foot three none of these guys are gonna come up to you and be like yo dude it's me from the fucking internet i'm here to fuck you up yeah so i'm all right i don't think that's gonna happen no i'm all right there i've gotten a lot of support though i'll be walking down the street people like man it's fucked up what happened to you dude i'm like thanks bro that's so and again i'm like no it's not it's not really that fucked up it's exactly what everybody and all the pieces fell in the line as everybody acted exactly how they're supposed to act now the thing that changed was I was supposed to grovel and say sorry

and I'm not like trying to be a martyr because that's not what I want I want to have a real career but I think the more people stop apologizing for this shit and be like hey guys I'm joking I'm fucking around your apology makes sense as it

was like my bad seriously if you read that shit and you're like motherfucker if you like spit out your cereal you're like son of a fucking bitch it's like sorry dude the thing also think about all the laughter we've caused though yeah over the course of these three years people having a fucking good old time people message the fucking thing all the time they're like oh my god i work at a factory yeah i. I work nights. I got a podcast. I got a podcast. I'm going through chemo. Your guys' podcast helps me.

Podcast makes me laugh. Yeah, man. You know what I mean? It's like... Of course. Hey. Laughter doesn't come for free, dude. Yeah.

Every time someone laughs, someone else goes... Sorry, dude. Unless you're doing safe stuff, which I understand. No, because then I'm watching like, this fucking sucks. Yeah, true.

Then I'm mad. Fucking sucks. Pussy. There's a... God, I keep forgetting what I'm going to say. You'll have to excuse me. I'm a little mentally exhausted. This is Cusclipton, dude, behind the fucking actor studio.

Yeah. Yeah, I guess just the thing that does hurt is getting called not funny. That's what hurts. Yeah. I know I've said it like eight times in this. I did. It fucking must kill you. You don't like the Reddit.

That's all I thought about. I was like, he hates Reddit comments. This probably hit the news and it was just you can't turn it. You can't delete the ad and be like, fuck him. Yeah. I didn't really read too much in the news. I have watched all the podcast clips of people talking shit i try not to because then i'm just like i gotta see i gotta come out and be

like well fuck this person it's like no i don't care this is what this is what hopefully will happen they'll just have to follow me yeah i'll just go to stand up with them and they'll have to follow me true and hopefully i'm good enough to bury them. Yeah. That's all. It's a champion's attitude. And that's what I've had the whole fucking time. Have you ran it daydreaming about that at all?

Yeah, of course. You don't think I've gotten into a million shower arguments this whole time? Just fucking leveling people while I'm naked and fat in the shower. The tiny dick just standing there. Just like, I'll fuck you up, dude. Your head's messing with the snake and he's like, oh, fuck you up, dude. Your head's messing with the snake. You're like, oh, thanks a lot, guys.

That's my time. Follow that, bitch. Mom's like, Shane. Oh, man. I was on the phone today with lawyers and my manager and my fucking mom knocked on the door.

I was like, mom, not now. I'm on the phone with my entertainment lawyer. Get out. Yeah, I went home this week for two days, and it was not helpful at all. I was like, nice, I'll get a nice respite from everything and just have a nice, not stressful time with my family. And, of course, the cat had fleas.

So there are fucking fleas in my house, which is a nightmare. Whatever that's called, tiny bug phobia, dude. I have it. Because, dude, when you see fleas on you the rest of the night you're just like any itch i'm just like fuck fuck so the anxiety was on 10 when i came home and then uh you know my family got some horrendous news outside of mine yeah and it's like jesus The hits, baby. Which was funny because... I was at a classic Irish week, dude. Just nothing but sad news. Nothing but sorrow.

Poverty, bugs, and shit, dude. What was funny was when I got SNL, a really good news happened to my family. And all these really good things were happening. And I swear to God, my first thought was like, oh, no. Here we go. Here comes the backlash of this.

Yeah. Which is just going to be misery. So I'm riding that right now. So chances are something good is going to happen. True that. That's how I've approached my whole life, dude. Whenever shit gets real fucked up for me, I just go like, all right, I hear you. Here it comes.

Yeah, man. Here it comes. Yep. And my rosin press comes in the mail. I'm like, yes. Yes. And I'm back. Yes. Now I can smash weed and make rosin hash. Yep. And my rosin press comes in the mail. I'm like, yes! Yes, and I'm back. Yes!

Now I can smash weed and make rosin hash. Yes! But yeah, that's what's going on. So I went home to try to get a nice thing. It's like, Jesus Christ. Fucking mom's crying. Fuck. Dealing with just...

We're dealing, as a family, with a pretty rough situation. Yeah. Bad, by most standards. And I'm still getting online and a hot chick. A lot of hot chicks came out against me. What's the thinking there? Being called unfunny by other comics

that I don't think are funny hurts. Being destroyed online every day by the hottest chicks in the world. Oof. I'll tell you what. How do they destroy you? Baby girls do not like me. Right now?

No. Which was funny because if I would have got SNL, I would have been drowning in it. Now I've got to go be like a gross club comic. Just the least fuckable guy on earth. Yeah, dude. Well, look, man. I was close to it. Always those 45- to those 45 year olds dude i was so close to a snizz come up dude i was on the precipice of an absolute snizz come up you're right at back at

the feet of beautiful matures oh now i'm back to mature naturals you're at the round ground steakhouse dude oh my yeah what a time that's some Lone Star You're back on some Lone Star Steakhouse Dude I was born to Dine on Lone Star Dude You were born to

Fucking crunch peanut shells While you eat pussy Dude I was built for this That's where you can Throw peanut shells On the ground right Everywhere

Everywhere where I get pussy You can discard trash On the ground You just entered a realm Of just total peanut shells, dude. We go back to her place. She's like, oh, watch out for the peanut shells. Crunch, crunch.

Oh, sorry, my dick doesn't work again. I got fucked up on Coors Light back at the roadhouse. Your dick was good. You saved your dick from being so hard, dude. My dick was so good. Now your dick can be soft again My dick can go back To just absolute

Teenest stage dude Just dwell in the Teenest realm I was like When I was like Getting SNL I was like Damn dude

I might like Fuck Taylor Swift Or something And then Just straight back To reality Like oh man I just jerked it off

To like 8 second Snapchat videos. Like, fuck you. And you're like, oh, Jesus fucking God. Oh, my God. You're so fucking hot. Oh, let me watch that boomerang. Whatever, dude. I was born in the darkness.

That's what I'm fucking talking about, dude. Dude, that's my life mission. I'm telling you. To get people to see through the mirage of all the bullshit of like, one day I'm going to be in all this stuff. It's a bunch of fucking assholes who will stab you in the back and everyone's fighting to be yeah not everybody obviously in terms of this network a lot of them are fucking snakes dude yeah would you agree a million percent so everyone's fighting to be surrounded by fucking the snakes of snakes yeah when in reality it's like tap into your fucking dogs dude yeah tell

your dog you fucking love them. Yeah, man. Make your girlfriend gain some fucking weight and smack her fucking ass, dude. Get a fucking thick bitch on your side. That's what I'm saying, dude. Take it. You're in a sub.

People are like, fucking suburb sucks. It's like, dude, hit the fucking Bennigans, drink nine rum and Cokes, smoke some fucking weed, get your hands on some DMT, hang out in the basement,

and get into your fucking life, dude. That's the vibe I'm on. That's the vibe i'm on right now yeah man total detachment from the elite total detachment from the elite okay you know what i'm saying yeah man i love this shit i will say i i was on that same tip but boy when the elite are like reaching their hand down to be like are you ready to become one of us i know i know bro i know those daydreams start i mean i don't know no but i know what you're saying yeah you start listening to drake a little more seriously you start like oh i am the man the little temptation of saint anthony dude i was tempted dude but i'm saying dude it's a paranoid realm they were also like we need you to apologize

we can get out of this i was offered that So if you gave a better apology, you think they would have 360'd you? I still think I was getting fucked no matter what. No matter what. Gotcha. But there was the offer. Not by anybody in particular. Sure, sure. I'm not naming names.

Sure, sure. This is all just a joke. Sure. None of this is serious. Sure. Please include that in whatever dog shit article this is. But yeah, I was offered that. And I was like, i can't apologize because

i'm apologizing for this tomorrow i'm like they're like like this is inexcusable this is like it is excusable i was trying to be funny yeah i was so if you listen to the podcast if you're one of the fucking like 4 000 people at the time that were listening to the podcast, you understood that that was funny. You understood who we were. 8,000? Go ahead. Yeah, at the time when that came out. Yeah, I mean, now it's fucking more than that. Like, double shit.

Now we're fucking double. It's like double whatever. Now we're getting big numbers. It's probably going to be like double and a half now. So did you give them, like, the rough draft, and they were like, oh. No, I said, oh, God. At one point, somebody was like, well well maybe this isn't the right platform for you then and i was like maybe not yeah because i can't apologize for this yeah if i apologize for this

these fucking rats win again that's what they wanted they wanted an apology yeah that's their fucking fuel it's weird dude he's like give us an apology yeah say you're the worst apologies it's like dude what am i gonna go like take sensitivity training and be like i i learned guys please can i be on tv yeah i learned can i dress up with you guys again please that's what i'm saying nah dude can't do it dude i won't because i you know i'm just not gonna bend to that yeah and that's what i wanted forever i'm tired of people bending to that yeah and it sucks when you get it i hear you i was like i wanted to be at the forefront of this like fucking thing when there's someone in a social station who's clearly above you i've been in it in a way different way but it's like it gets it's intoxicating when someone's like i can

fucking level you up and it's like you, you kind of start, you're like. But to be honest, firing me did level me up. Pretty much. Now I can just go do stand-up and people are excited. True. This weekend, seeing the crowd react. Yeah. When you look, they just go.

Yeah. Now that'll dissipate. Sure. That'll fucking die down. People aren't going to give me a standing ovation every fucking week now. But. That'd be nice. Yeah, Of course. That'd be nice. Yeah, fuck yeah.

That'd be nice. You got to see the bull fucking hit the fucking feet. Yeah, man. That is nice. Oh, that's a nice... That's... Again, I don't want to sound too corny, but boy, what a nice place to be is doing stand-up throughout this whole thing. Yeah.

During the day, life is just like a dick punch. And it's like, you get to go do stand-up and get, you know, people laughing and it's fun and everybody can just be like, all right,

enough of this shit. Again, that's the whole fucking point, dude. I mean, it sounds so redundant, but you're literally eliciting a reaction out of people. So it's like, you know,

you're a fisher, man. You don't use the same lure every time. You're chucking shit in the water and you're like, ooh, Jesus Christ, all right, take that one. You don't use the same lure every time. You're chucking shit in the water. You're like, ew, Jesus Christ. All right, take that one off.

Snag the bobber on that one. Yeah. So it's like, and do that. And it's such a weird thing to try to defend. Like, it's indefensible. And it's like, in the realm of what the newspaper is writing about, yeah. But if you look into comedy and you're like, what's this person trying to do? And as soon as you go into comedy and say, no, no, no, you can't do that.

It's like, you're fried. Because then the line just goes da-da-da-da. You just let the crowd react. If the crowd laughs, awesome. If they don't, it's a bad feeling. Everyone feels it and you go, shit. And that's another thing. I don't use, on stage, I don't use words like that because I don't know who's in the audience.

Sure. When it's on this podcast or fucking Legion of Skanks or any of these podcasts, I know who's in the audience. I know who's listening, who's downloading an hour and a half of content. I know who's listening and I know they're not going to get their feelings hurt. Yeah. So I can say whatever the fuck I want. Yep.

If you're listening to this podcast, I know you don't give a fuck. Yeah. So I'll say whatever. If I'm on stage and I don't know who's in the audience, which I don't, I say those things i don't use those words on stage true it's that simple case closed dude that's a pin in it it's not this case is not closed no you'll have someone be like one time i was at an open mic and i heard him say this i'm not i can't even fucking the the philly local scene i can't even fucking... The Philly local scene, I can't even get into. It's not even worth it, dude. It's not.

It's okay. They all did what they do. I'm all right with that. The thing that bothered me, and I was telling Brittany this, I'm like, it was all so predictable, dude. It was all predictable. When I saw it, that was what really threw me for the biggest loop when I was just watching, like, this person's going to do this,

and they did that, and this person's going to do that. You know what I mean? It was just transparent predictable fucking sucked and the predictable thing would be me to go out

after all that and be like I need to learn a lesson and I apologize and all you guys are above me and you know the morality

I'm wrong and I'm not gonna do that suck our dicks to all our enemies yeah dude it's that simple you should do an emoji the fucking devil

like the smiley devil emoji yeah the responses to mbc's press release that they were firing me i had so many fucking funny ones just like my god just gifts like the alonzo morning gif have you ever seen that where he's like he's like shaking his head that they're getting killed and then he like comes to terms with why they're losing. It's so funny. Yeah, look at Alonzo Mourning Gif, and imagine that's how I responded. But the one thing I do regret out of the first statement I made, which, by the way, I made in five minutes.

Sure. I had five minutes to make that statement. Yeah, first of all, I'd have to say, if anyone's like, what the fuck, you should have been like, fuck you, motherfucker. You'll never feel that pressure in your life. No, no one will.

And I wouldn't want anyone to. That's what really annoyed me, was hearing other comics be like, fuck you, motherfucker. You'll never feel that pressure in your life. No, no one will. And I wouldn't want anyone to. That's what really annoyed me was hearing other comics be like, you shouldn't have said this. I'm like, bro, don't worry about it. You'll never be on that fucking microscope. You'll never have it. So don't even fucking worry about it. I can't imagine that. The thing I do regret is I'm a comedian who pushes boundaries.

As soon as I said that, I was like, damn, that part was fucking corny. I'm a comedian who pushes boundaries. You push bounds sent that i was like damn that part was fucking corny i'm a comedian who pushes boundaries you push bounds dude dude that was embarrassing that's the if i'm apologizing for anything i apologize for writing that i'm a comedian who pushes boundaries that shit's corny that is um but other than that yeah again it's like dude again i would love this the fact that you even through all of, didn't completely cave and be like, I just have a lot to think about. I'm now in therapy for my actions. I'm doing implicit bias tests. Can't do it.

That's something to be said, dude. Can't do it. And, dude, the fadeaway jump shot at the second statement. What? Mad TV? Too funny, dude. Somebody wrote an article about that. About the statement in general.

The Mad TV comment. Of being like. Of like, in general. About the Mad TV comment. Of being like... Of like, this is why he said Mad TV. There was... It was a very intentional statement. And they were like,

this is the type of jokes Mad TV used to do. And they brought up like Miss Swan. What's that? Do you remember that character? No. The lady who does

Family Guy, she does Lois. Okay. I forget her name. She was a character on... She was a cast member of Mad TV. Now, Mad TV Now Mad TV

Mad TV was too problematic For me to ever watch that I understand I appreciate your I appreciate your sensibilities Thank you But they had one character That was like

Yes It was like an Asian lady That was like Sort of Saturday Night Live No yes Really She was hilarious So they dug into that

And thought that That's what I was hinting at Obviously dude No I was just Trying to make a joke It's the fucking Shaneane luminati dude they looked into the eye of the shane luminati like clearly these people talking symbols dude yeah yeah no i'm a moron and i've never argued that it's like dude i'm a fucking idiot history buff nah kind of give you that until i run into a real history buff and they're like everything you're saying once i start talking

about the fucking mongolians like mad mad shut it down dude i don't know i'm out of i'm out of my league here um but yeah the the apologies are what and that was funny too the people on twitter be like this is not an apology it's like yeah no shit yeah no shit dude like anyone who's actually offended what the fuck is that supposed to mean exactly what it means yes i don't think a lot of you are offended i just don't think maybe i'm wrong but i don't think many of you are really hurt yeah i now again to reiterate this because i've said it a bunch of times if i was a fucking asian kid and i fucking looked online and the first quote was an SNL member uses racial slurs against Asians. That would hurt. Maybe.

That would be like, oh, fuck. Jerk. What a jerk. I hope things go bad for him. Yeah. I'm going to fucking kill that motherfucker. I'm going to gut that motherfucker.

That pink pig. Which is great. I know. That's almost exactly what I am. Dude. So that I get. But that almost exactly what I am. So that I get. But that's not what I posted. I didn't post an article for you to see.

I posted a podcast for fucking morons to listen to and laugh while they're fucking unloading docks. This wasn't for you. If I knew you were listening, I probably would take it a little easier or tell you, don't listen yeah where does the fucking sack up dude and get in the cast yeah get into the cat get into the fucking cast dude what nothing just uh well the whole time so the whole time you were dealing with this i

busied myself with extreme workouts extreme i. I was just watching bodybuilder YouTubers, dude. That's all I did, dude. This was the funniest. I got sent this guy who was like, he was in prison before. He's all about lifting weights, doing a program. He's got to run a tight as fucking program. And I'm like, this is hilarious. The guy is hilarious, dude.

So fucking funny. Yeah. So I'm watching him. He's talking about like how to do burpees. But he, when you're a white dude in the California prison system, system he's like i wasn't even paying attention to this and he was like you know so like i'm in a gang you keep saying all this and i'm like yeah okay because there's like white prison gangs in philly that aren't necessarily like ab arian brotherhood and stuff yeah so this guy's like you know so i'm doing burpees in the yard i'm counting my one my

my celly's like one two three and i'm like two i got the motherfucking hard he calls everyone fools i mean this fool's got the motherfucking hard count yeah then he's like you know we get to uh oh we get to 23 and you know i yell out like supreme white power look motherfucker i'm not fucking racist dude it's so funny it's this jack dude sitting at like venice beach jack dude in venice beach just tell he's a motivational speaker who was in jail for 10 years but he was like when you're in jail and they talk they bring black dudes in i watch i've been researching all this because there'll be like black because you apparently you get into jail and especially in california you have to join a gang especially if you don't have any money if you have some money you can pay for protection and just kind of fall

back and chill but he was like if you're a white dude white dudes come up to you and they're like you're either going to put in work with us or we're going to smash you yeah so you like i'm glad you picked this episode to bring up the arian brotherhood i'm just saying i'm as a youtuber dude it's very funny i know i know it was so funny because his message honestly dude because he says he's like racism's a fucking epitome of ignorance fuck that shit then he'll be like talking about prison he's like and if i saw a white man he's not allowed to see white men it's so fucking funny it is but uh so here's what's gonna happen

what someone's gonna be like and then they discussed Aryan Brotherhood and they likened it to their like that's how

they're gonna I know you're not I know you're not I know you're not here's what I'm saying here's what I'm saying say it this is what happened

they're gonna same thing with the Mad TV comment they're gonna be like oh and they very intentionally plugged this guy's fucking comment. Didn't even mention his name, but honestly, he motivates me to work out every morning.

That's the worst part. He's so fucking jacked and blasted, dude. He's a thick dude. I've seen him. He's fucking yoked. The fucked up part of it, it was funny what made me laugh, is like, why of all the gangs, because white people are disproportionately, whatever, misrepresented in jail in terms of their,

your numbers aren't strong in jail if you're a white dude. So if you're forming a gang, why do they become Nazis? I don't know. It's a bad move, dude. It's like you got, like if you're black,

you'd be a crip, blood, gangster, disciples. You got options. Yeah. And apparently that all stays too. It's like,

you don't fuck around outside your race, but like, you don't really think about this. When white dudes go to jail for some reason, they're like, Nazis? You guys want to be fucking Nazis? That's kind of fucking scary. I don't know.

You can't be Nazis anywhere else. It's the meanest thing we could be. It'd be funny if they were just Amish. If they're like, what's a white group we could be? Amish. Dude, if white guys, you know when fucking black dudes go to jail and become fucking Muslims yeah

white guys come home he's like long ass beard he's like yo bro I picked up fucking Mennonitism I'm an Amish now I'm Amish now bro

my new name is Zachariah it's just such an odd choice for gangs it's like dude you guys could be like cowboys there's like a lot of

scary white guys like yee hee oh man it'd be a lot more fun than like this guy guy had to work out and be like, you know, you get up to 23 and then you do 88 hits. 88, hell, Hitler. Guys, look, man. Don't fucking come.

It's not racist. Don't come at me in the fucking thing. This is how it is in the California prison system. These are the politics. Yeah. You're not getting around it. You're going to bang or get banged on, fool. Dude, it's so funny.

Yeah, my uncle, though, was a prison warden, talks like that. Does he really? Yeah, he's like in his 70s, and he's like, damn, fool. Yeah, dude. Everyone says fool. The slang is so fucking sick, dude. He's like, you know, you got a cell phone. I'm talking to my fucking girl.

CEO comes. I fucking hoop that shit in the prison safe. He's like, put it in my fucking ass The fucking prison guard's like Let me see your fucking asshole It's like I show it to him He takes my fucking phone dude

I had a fucking piece He says peace It's funny He's fucking sharpening a piece Yo this dude is so fucking funny He is funny Fuck he's so funny Yeah I got rules

This dude's called him bald And he like The whole Oh yeah tell that story Oh my god dude so he'll hold like every single thing one thing was like respect and he's like let me tell you fools about something about respect this dude's just fucking jacked in the camera he's like these motherfuckers were sitting here talking shit i'm holding the yard i'm the fucking shot caller these motherfuckers are laughing i'm like what the fuck you guys laughing at he's like i come right at them and they're like yo what's up with your hair he's like bitch you got fucking

titties you fat motherfucker dude so he runs back he he runs back into his cell he's all fucking butthurt i'm like what the fuck's up with your boy and they're like i don't know man he's probably sharpening a piece right now he's like we better be making a motherfucking machine gun so i go up and i'm like what's up fool what's your problem he's like yo why better be making a motherfucking machine gun. So I go up and I'm like, what's up, fool? What's your problem? He's like, yo, why are you talking about my fucking titties, bro? He's like, you shouldn't talk about my hair. He's like, anyway, guys, you got to be positive role models. It's so fucking funny.

This dude is the funniest. He is. And he's like, I get up at 3 fucking 30 every day, bro. What? Yeah, you wake up in the middle of the night. I'm in bed by fucking noon. middle of the night i'm in bed by fucking noon i'm fucking blasted in area brotherhood tattoos but i fucking ignore that shit it's so funny him saying getting blasted dude you gotta earn this shit but also he doesn't have

his tattoos i don't know if he has any sort of like nazi propaganda he just has he has dago written on his stomach. He's like, not anyone can walk around with Dago on their stomach in jail, dude. I don't know. I thought you could, actually. Yeah, I'm pretty sure no one's upset.

That's the one place a Dago tattoo would fly. But yeah, man, that's going to be my quest is going to be to convert white guys to a different gang. That's good. Cowboys would be sick. Cowboys is good.

Cowboys would be a good gang. And also what's nice about cowboys, there were some black cowboys. be sick. Cowboys is good. Cowboys would be a good gang. And also what's nice about cowboys, there were some black cowboys. True that. There were a lot. So you can even, you know,

bring them in a little. Be like, guys, we're the cowboys. True. But the Crips might have problems with that. I think the Crips

are going to have problems with whatever the cowboys decide to do. Yeah. I don't think they're going to be happy with the choices. We're the cowboys, the Dallas cowboys.

Oh, man. Yeah, man. It's funny. It is fucking funny. Look, I know it's funny. Having my bodybuilding idol, after nine videos in, he's like, I'm like, 23 burpees. And I'm like, oh, come on, man. No, no, no, no, no.

I'm not fucking racist, dude. Yeah. So funny. So funny. So inspiring, dude, dude, no, no, no, no. I'm not fucking racist, dude. Yeah. So funny. So funny. So inspiring, too, dude, which is the most fucked up part. You watch him and you're like, damn, you give a 330, bro? You are fucking. That's probably how dudes get tricked into joining the Aryan Brotherhood.

You're like, you got to get some fucking discipline. Hard workout regimen? Hell yeah. Although I will say that the Nazis on the streets tend not to look like they follow that workout record. He basically said, he goes, nobody in the gang, dude. They're all bullshit, dude. It was just me out in the yard, dude. Really?

I fucking hooped a braided rope. I'm doing fucking pull-ups. I'm doing lower body. Everyone skips their lower body in jail, dude. I'm trying to get swole. This is how you do it. That's how he talks, dude. It's fucking 4.30.

I haven't been able to sleep, so I wake up at 4.30 and just watch this, dude. You haven't been able to sleep so I wake up at 430 and just watch this dude you haven't been able to sleep through this I just been waking up early as fuck it's not like I've been sleeping I pass out like a little baby

and I wake up at like 4 o'clock 335 just my program bro true I'm just programming I go to anytime fitness yeah I stay up

I stay up late I always did before do you really but throughout this whole thing it's night that's the one time where I'm like ah ah, everyone's asleep. It's just me.

See, that's how I feel in the morning, dude. Enjoying my life. Yeah, of course. That's how I feel in the morning. I went to the gym this morning at literally like 4.15. Yeah. And there was nobody awake. I had left the gym.

It was still dark. And I was like, god damn, I got a tight fucking program, fool. You're fucking killing me, dude. I'm killing you. I know. I know it's funny. I know it's funny i know it's funny it is funny to have a fucking fitness instructor that's an arian brother a guy that's still denying that he's not racist it is funny he's not dude racism is the epitome of fucking ignorance dude he knows that he i'm going on his personal website i'm paying him i know what you're know what you're doing. I think it's funny.

I'm not doing anything bad. I think it's funny. I think it's funny. He's fucking blasted. Let me also tell you this. That as funny as we think it is, no one's going to listen to this. Yes, they will. And the article's going to be like-

Rogi's listening right now. Rogi's is not listening, dude. Rogi's hears this. Rogi's, if you hear us, dude, help us, Rogi's. Rogi's, we need you, dude. Tell them we don't love the Aryan brothers. Tell them we don't love the Aryan brother. Tell them we don't love the Aryan brother, dude. Rogies, help us.

Dear St. Rogies. St. Rogies, come down, dude. Oh, my God. Please keep the journalists away from us, dude. St. Rogies, dude, our career's been lost. Come around and help us find it. Help us accept the fucking quotes we cannot change, dude. Yeah.

It is going to be funny when the articles are like, after an absolute non-apology, they then got into how an Aryan Brotherhood workout is the best workout. I was talking to someone else. For real, I was talking to someone else. I was like, dude, watch this clip. I didn't realize this guy actually was in the woods,

I think is the name. I don't know if that actually was in the woods, I think is the name. I don't know if that's whatever. Yeah, we don't need to name it. He was like, yeah, dude, watch this clip. This dude was like, yeah, but dude, how hard would you fucking jump for the burpee? Dude, on the 23rd of August. It was a pretty white power. Dude, at the end of every...

I mean, dude, these guys must be so they're like we can fucking do this because you're working out next to he's like you got the south siders there you have the north siders dude so it's like you're working everyone's working out together because like no one's allowed to so you if you're isolating and working out then they'll say you get a not a strike but it's called i forget what it's called it's a. It's something like showing you're doing gang activity. So they can put points on you and put you into a higher thing. So all of these groups work out together, but they're all secretly doing their like, you know, like there's a certain thing for like the Crips do a certain count.

They all have their own like symbolic counts. Yeah. But they have to do it in close quarters so they don't get called out for being in like gang activity. So it's actually kind of a nice thing they all do. Yeah. They cooperate. It's just like in real, they all they all one guy does burpees and like white people are the best and the fucking crips are like fucking crips fucking rule you just get them to tone it down dude yeah hopefully hopefully this reaches the prison the penal column for sure dude people in prison that hey guys tone down someone's gonna hoop this shit

dude we're gonna somebody's hoop this cast and shove this cast up their ass, dude. This cast belongs in the prison safe. Someone's going to fucking memorize this shit and just re-say it, dude. Some motherfucking fool,

some motherfucking fool in there putting in work, dude, is going to memorize this and go in and recite it. People are like, dude, this is great. Where'd you get this from?

Yeah, hopefully. Hopefully. I'm going to talk to a CEO, dude, and have them fucking smuggle this shit in. Yeah, hopefully people in prison going to talk to a CEO, dude, and have him fucking smuggle this shit in. Yeah, hopefully people in prison like our podcast. For sure. And they can send us gifts.

I mean, dude, how sick would it be to go to prison knowing all this shit now? What? You just go right to the shot caller and be like, I'm ready to put in fucking work, fool. I'd do one burpee and be like, oh man, I am gassed. I'm fucking gassed, bro.

Put a cell phone in your ass. No way, man. I have hemorrhoids, dude. I can't get a phone up there. Fuck. Yeah. Alright. Alright. Also, I'm trying hard to not let this

shit get in my head. I know it's funny. And it's funny knowing how it's going to be perceived. Sure. What we say here is going to be perceived as like, the headline will be like, you know, it'll be like, why do they fucking praise white supremacists? No, they won't. You'd be surprised.

What's eh mean? No, I mean. Oh, that they'll do that. The headline, yeah. They have no integrity. Of course they don't, dude. They have zero integrity. And that's why they I mean... Oh, that they'll do that. With the headline. Yeah, they have no integrity. Of course they don't, dude. They have zero integrity. And that's why they'll be exposed like the rats they are, dude.

Here's the source. I'm like Alex Jones, and I'm baiting them, dude. I'm sorry. I'm not like Alex Jones, dude. We're not like Alex Jones. I'm baiting the press, dude. Classic bait and switch. This is 1776 again.

This is, dude. That's one option, is I could go on CNN and do that. Dude. classic bait and switch this is 1776 again this is dude that's one option is I could go on like CNN and do that dude Alex Jones out on CNN and be like

1776 will commence again you can't take our podcast I mean dude again this shit's crumbling against the internet man yeah you know they're ratcheting down

on the net but it's like whatever dude we'll figure out how the dark web works start selling fucking molly and shit dude it'll be sick

trust me we're good trust me we're good no I know we're good I know we can go just sell molly on the dark web

someone just hit me to the credit card game on the dark web too dude I said that we can sell fake cards I was in a meeting I was in a meeting

with NBC and I was like guys if you fire me dude I'm set I'm gonna go sell molly on the dark web like no matter what happens I'm set. I'm going to go sell Molly on the dark web. Like,

no matter what happens, I'm good. At one meeting, you'll think this is funny. Sorry, did you ever see Beach Bum? Beach Bum? No,

I still haven't seen it. Watch that, dude. All right. You'll be stoked. Do you think that'll cheer me up? Yes. I watched like The Darkest Hour

with Winston Churchill and I was like, that's me. I'm standing up to the Nazis right now. Which is going to be funny when my roommate gets a bill because I rented it.

It's going to be on September 16th or whenever this happens. 499. It's going to be the darkest hour. I wonder who rented that. I forget again. No. No, I literally forget again No No I literally forget again

Fuck What? I just I feel like I sidetracked you No that's okay With my fucking bullshit No your bullshit's funny I cried

It's funny to at least have one funny You cried? I cried in my meeting My first My preliminary meeting at school Oh it's hard not to bro Well it was I was fine with it

I was cool with everything And then you know Everything's We're talking. It's emotional. Everything's affable. It was, but the thing that really pushed me over the edge, so we're talking. I'm like, yeah, you know, going back and forth.

I had a nice conversation. None of this is very, like, contentious or whatever. Just fucking people in my class. And then I'm like, you know, I got a lot of other stuff going on. I'm like, I got a baby girl coming. And I was like, she's like, oh, what's her name? I was like, Maya. You got a name? Started crying, I was like, she's like, oh, what's her name? I was like, Maya. You got a name?

Started crying, yeah. Started fucking crying, dude. I was just like, no, it's just, I'm just crying. I don't care about school. It's just, but when I think about my daughter, I get emotional. Yeah, of course. As soon as I said it, I cried, dude, right away. I had to hold it.

She's like, it's fine. I mean, yours is real. Yours is a daughter on the way. No, I wanted to cry anyway. I was like, thank God. I need a good cry. I haven't hit one yet. Really? Oh, last night. But we'll get it. Yeah, I wanted to cry anyway. I need a good cry. I haven't hit one yet. Really?

Oh, last night. But we'll get it. We'll be all right. In the shower? No. You cried on land? Behind a bar. You cried?

Behind a bar in Mechanicsburg. I was like... But it was about other things. It wasn't about this. It was about, you know... Crying's good for you, dude. Crying's really good for you. i almost cried because i had to meet i met most people at snl or like nbc and all that shit and like in one meeting i was like i'm not trying to hurt anybody

i felt my fucking lip quiver and i was like don't you fucking cry in front of these people you just thought your dad grabbed the back of your neck yeah my dad be like god damn it change oh that was hilarious dude so this whole time my? Yeah, my dad would be like, God damn it, Shane. Oh, that was hilarious, dude. So this whole time, my dad, first off, my dad was like, yeah, I talked to fucking the Central Pennsylvania News. Why did he answer? And I was like, Phil, shut the fuck up. Don't talk to the media.

My dad's at home like, yeah, what the hell? I'll talk to him. I'm like, don't fucking talk to him, please. Please. Last thing I need is him being like, yeahald trump's great shut the fuck up well the funniest thing before i was all hyped the one night fucker on twitter and then a journalist emailed me for like dateline live it's like would you like to be on i was like f-u-x no i was like fuck snow dude one lady from cnn was like hey would you like to come talk and uh i was like here's my manager's info and the lady from cnn was like hey would you like to come talk and uh i was like here's my manager's info

and the lady from cnn was like what's his name and i was like um excuse me her name please don't assume my manager's via text oh i was like please don't assume my manager's gender please not right now and some lady from cnn had to be like oh i'm sorry so i got an apology from cnn out of this that counts but yeah phil my dad talking to the media that article is my favorite not great look he'll be fine yeah what did he say exactly i forget i didn't read it i read it i was loving it but phil talking to the media was his the last person on earth I want. The publication that he talked to is the best. Between Phil Gillis and Luis Gomez, that's my mouthpiece for this thing. I'm like, yo, guys, shut the fuck up.

Your PR team's fucking sick, bro. My PR team's a PR. There's a Puerto Rican rattlesnake. There's the PR rattlesnake, dude. Big Phil, dude. Phillip Robert. BP and a PR, dude. BP, PR, fucking public relations.

So Phil and my family was pretty much like yeah fuck him and then when fox news ran the article that was like shane gillis calls for the assassination of donald trump my dad would call me it's like the hell you doing you're fucking blowing it's like you're burning every bridge son it's like yeah kind of i love how he was like he'll be all right on fox yeah yeah he's like at least we got all right on Fox. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, at least we got Fox News on Shane's side. That's my favorite thing about, the fake news phenomenon, the funniest thing about that is like, yes, the journalists are slanted. They don't do their job very well.

And then Trump points this out, and then he'll be like, I only talk to Fox News. And you're like, wait, whoa, whoa, no, no, no. No, now you're doing it. You know how many people are like, yeah, dude, Fox is on to something right now. Pretty funny. Pretty ingenious, honestly. Well, my dad. As soon as Fox turned on how many people are like, yeah, dude, Fox is on to something right now. Pretty funny. Pretty ingenious, honestly.

Well, my dad. As soon as Fox turned on me. They had my mom already, dude. They didn't have to worry about that. As soon as Fox turned on me, my dad was like, Jesus Christ, now it's a crisis. The guys that are telling the truth don't like my son? Oh, no. He really is bad.

Yeah, my mom watches a Chappelle special. Oh, nice. Laugh, dude. Everybody laughs. Mary Ellen is like, he is so funny. Well, that's one thing that sucked, too. It was like Burr and Chappelle both had those specials. And then my shit came out.

They were seizing, bro. And everyone was like, that's wrong. Burr and Chappelle, dude, they're top five all time. Both of them. Of course they were funnier than me. Of course. Well, it they're top five all time. Both of them. Of course they were funnier than me. Of course. Well,

it was also taken off of like 30 seconds of talking. And it wasn't my fucking stand up. It was this podcast. Yeah. Where it's gonna be dumb.

For sure. There's gonna be a lot of dumb shit. Yeah. That's the other thing too. It's like, I mean, obviously sometimes

your Damon just blesses you with a funny ass idea. A lot of times you're just sitting, you're shooting the breeze and it's like, you trudge through stuff and stuff pops up. Yeah.gues knows it rogues rogues come on bro rogues back rogues third mic back us up what do you think dude we have rogues live on the podcast

i think we pretended to have him on once did we i mean i might have pretended i don't know i kind of do it every time i don't know um but the uh the fox news thing was pretty funny that's tough pretty funny but those death threats are literally you take you get fox news death threat has some white white guys coming out like you don't talk about the president that way i'll fucking kill you those guys i'm like yeah maybe they'll follow through yeah dude for sure whatever hit a couple extra while they're at it yeah they're that's snipers dude that's a bad group to fire up dude i didn't want to fire them up no dude um but yeah what are you gonna do matt you know what i mean what are you gonna do i'm i'm so ready to puff daddy out on you if someone shoots you. True. I'll be so rich, dude. Bad boy.

Oh, man. Did you ever see that video where Biggie Smalls is real scared of getting killed and he's all paranoid in a chair giving an interview? No. Oh, there's a video. I should check it out. Well, you're looking at it right now, aren't you? Exactly.

I'm popping. You're staring across the table. You're like, oh, man. Trying to stick me for my paper. They just talk to you for your paper, dude. Oh man.

Where are you sleeping tonight? Tonight? Yeah. Probably in Philly. Yeah, let's, oh yeah, I'm getting death threats. Where are you sleeping?

Thanks, man. I'm talking about in terms of programming. You're going to have to start bulking up if you want to fucking fight off those death threats. I do have to start it. Yeah.

I'm going to have to. Dude, this is. I'm just going to. There's dudes. There's a lot of dudes doing 23 burpees right now ready to fuck you up, dude. No, I think I'm all right. Yeah, they'll probably forget. I think I'm all right.

I think everyone forgot. True that. Hopefully. Also, yeah, I'm just trying to think of who would actually get fired up about that and what are the specs on them in terms of like their capability to take you down dumb people true could read an article and want to kill someone that's usually who does it true that i was just i'm like i've been i was in a walmart recently and i was like i was scanning and i was just kind of like i don't think they're gonna be able to do anything yeah i was at the

walmart near my parents house and it was like It's like a fucking health crisis, dude. Yeah. I was just at the Walmart in Mechanicsburg trying to buy flea medication at fucking 2 a.m. Were they out? The boys are still out. No, I'm saying, were they out? I'm saying. Who?

Of flea medication. They were at one place. I had to go to another one. Were they really? Yeah, dude. Dude, I was in... So I was in Walmart. I don't know what I was even getting and um i walk in it was like dude this was like eight morbidly obese people in a row

walking in i was like it's got to be a coincidence so i just started doing light research i'm like dude it was like 85 of the people in there were like, had trouble walking. The scooters. Yeah, dude. They're hitting the scooters. Dude, it was literally like 8 out of 10 people or so. Yeah, it's like a casino. Yeah, man.

Walmarts and casinos have the same obesity rate. Yeah, it's fucking crazy. It's a high rate. Dude, it's literally. I was like, there's no way. And I'd be like, whoa, another. And all of a sudden, I'd see someone else who was like, too skinny. I'm like, I don't think you really care.

Different problem. Then it would be like, boom. And I was like, this is crazy. It's literally almost every person in here is about to die at like 40. Yep. So when people freak out about overpopulation, it's like, I read this too, Hal. It's like people are, like how they're not having a lot of kids and how in 20 years populations are going to drop so fucking hard in america in america and fucking asia that's

dropping hard dude asian populations yeah you know who's blown up is africa yeah because they finally are getting like health care yeah man so those populations that's the those are the two areas that have jumped india africa china those fucking skyrocket generation is only having like 1.2 kids on average what the thing is they're like in 30 years population once all those geezers fucking go off the edge population drops hard so they're like it's gonna fall down people like overpopulation we're the geezer pocalypse is out of your fucking mind. No, dude, I was just listening. No, I'm just talking about like this episode

and you're still talking about like overpopulation and fucking some guy's YouTube video. I'm like, this is the first time I'm speaking publicly and you're like,

you're like that, fuck it. I'm wheeling and dealing, dude. I hear you, man. I'm dealing. That's why I love you. I'm dealing. That's why I love you, bud.

I'm dealing. Yeah, man. I'm trying to take the heat, dude. I'm trying to deflect you. Like Shangri-La. Apparently does workouts to prison. Yeah, man. You're fucking me.

I'm not fucking you. I know. Shut up. I'm dealing, dude. Shut up. I'm dealing, dude. But yeah, Phil needs to... We need to get a choker on him.

We got to get him in a war room, dude. Phil, what's the next move? Oh, you don't think I'm getting advice from Phil? Oh, what's he saying? I'm getting advice from him. Today, before I left, dude. Phil, what's the next movie? Oh, you don't think I'm getting advice from Phil? Oh, what'd you say? I'm getting advice from him. Today, before I left, he was like, you still going to do this comedy thing still? I'm like, no.

I think I'm done now. You got something for me? I'm like, yeah, man. Can I go back to the auto auction? Can I go back to cleaning out cars? Or how about the factory? Can I go back to the factory? You could probably get management.

Dude, I could go back to the ice cream factory and kill it you could be like a retired athlete and have a car dealership like who's that guy big you said a couple bad things in mechanics work that would crush that's what i'm saying shangri-la santa come on down to big shane's auto crowd i'd have to sell ford or Hummers. Just sell Hummers. Only Hummers. Are you fucking racist as fuck and wear Oakleys? Come on down to Big Shane's Hummer. We only sell H2s. Sorry about that.

That's all we can get. You sell certified pre-owned Hummers? That was one thing that cracked me up. CNN was like, Shane Gillis from Mechanicsburg. I know everybody in my hometown was like, oh, yo, we out here. We on TV, baby. Oh, man.

I'm telling you. They can't take it away from you. They can't. They can't take it away from you. And I've known that from the start. You're an alchemist, dude. Dog, I've known it from the start. You're turning lead into gold, dude.

You can, when. What happens if they take an alchemist's gold? He just feels lead and turns it into gold. He's like, yep, got it. Sorry, guys. Fuck you guys. You can... What happens when they take an alchemist's gold? He just feels lead and turns it into gold. He's like, yep, got lead. Sorry, guys. Fuck you guys. You can't take that from someone.

Yeah, that's one thing that's, again, that also has bothered me is people being like, oh, man, that was his shot. It's like, nah, baby. Nah, dog. Nah.

There's more. I'll do more. I'll just keep doing stand-up. I'll just keep doing comedy. Fucking blasted up the middle, got four yards, dude. That's what that was. Fucking...

This is what happened. I caught a ball... I caught a ball up the middle. Got four yards, dude. That's what that was. This is what happened. I caught a ball over the middle and got fucking leveled. Got tackled in the backfield. Now I'm standing up, giving the first down symbol. Getting back to the huddle. Getting back to the huddle. Saying, come on, baby. Feed me the rock.

You smack their butt. You're like, yo, nice hit, bro. I'm running back for real nice hit good hit guys you fucking drilled me um now go hit somebody else again yeah man and they'll probably crumble and say sorry you got one fucking you got one button on your chin strap on button you have your hands on your hips and it's like i went back to the wrong sideline it's like guys can i be on your now? Can I be on the side that bullies people, please? Yeah, punching down and punching all that.

It's like, dude, in the world we're in, in the world we're operating in, which is comedy, do you really think it's punching down to make fun of these groups at all? That's crazy. Any of these groups. That's crazy, dude. It's like, look at... I think I'm a piece of shit dude yeah man

I'm constantly like I wake up in the middle of the night I'm like what the fuck are you doing you're such a piece of shit dude you have nothing going on yeah I wonder if they do that or like not even nothing going on

just no fucking plan yeah man I think about it all the time I'm like I'm such a fucking scuzzball Spud said it before he was like well

this was way before anything he was like well yeah you guys are losers. He's like, only losers do what you guys are doing. I hate to break it to you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We kind of fucking are losers. Yeah, man.

Look at comedy. Yeah. That's, yeah. All the people in Philly that were talking shit, it's like, okay, let's see where you're at next year. Let's see where I'm at. Oh, bro. Let's see.

And it's also, I'm telling you, I've been to open mics before all this. When the cast is rolling, people start coming up and they're like, oh, hey. It's just like, dude, bite it back, bro. It's like, go work on your shit, man. There's just a never-ending network aspect to it that just sickens my fucking hole with this stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, go do your thing, man. Yeah.

Maybe you're a waiter who does this shit, too. Who gives a fuck? Yeah. It's better than just being a fucking waiter, dude. Yeah, man. You need, you want everything, dude? It's like, Jesus Christ. Yeah, that's, it's weird to see that change, too.

Because there was like a two-week period where people were riding my dick. And they were like, oh, man, you're the best. And now I see them and they're like, hey, buddy, you're okay. You want to do my show? Come on, man. Fuck no. It's like, bro, you're the best. And now I see them and they're like, hey, buddy, you're okay. You want to do my show? Come on, man. Fuck no. It's like, bro, I haven't changed.

Yeah. I'm still who I was last week. Well, two weeks ago. Or however long. I literally have no sense of time. I've become unstuck in time. I really have, dude. Yeah, dude. You're in a national spotlight, bro.

Yeah, and not in a really great way. Nah, dude. What's the worst thing you can be. Yeah, and not in a really great way. Nah, dude. What's the worst thing you can be in America today? I told you, it's racist. Me. Literally, it is our total taboo. Look up John McWhorter, bro. So it's the total taboo.

Now, what do you think a comedian might talk about? I don't know. Maybe the really taboo subject? I don't know. How dare you, dude. No, no. You changed the world through your activism. What I should do as a comic is grow and learn that even though it's taboo,

I should not talk about it. Exactly. Just like all the great comedians. Sure. And I'm definitely not one of them. Titus. But I'm trying to be. Who are the greats?

Titus is one of them. Titus learned. Titus learned. be. Who are the greats? Titus is one of them. Titus learned. Titus learned. You went a little hard in the paint. He used to. Now he's like a left guy. He stepped in. He knows.

He licked his finger and stuck it up in the air. What are we doing now? Yeah. He's like, oh, I should stop pandering. You motherfucking bitch ass. No, no, no. No, no, no. Titus.

You motherfucking fool. I got nothing but love for Titus, bro. He's a great guy. He's riding on the set, dude dude I'm a pure fucking banger dude I know you are That's who I roll with I only roll with bangers So I mean yeah

You can come at me But just get ready There's gonna be some bangers Waiting for you Exactly I'm a fucking hitter dude You think Spud Dog You think Billy

You think fucking Maddie Are gonna just sit back Come on man I'm gonna pull the batteries Out of the headset mic dude I can stay quiet And let Luis Gomez Handle my light work

Yeah Luis Gomez is handling my light work. Luis Gomez is handling my light work. He butt fucked Titus. Did he butt? I didn't read it. I read some of it, too. He was butt fucking Titus. Just be like, you're a fucking loser.

Shut up, dude. Nobody gives a fuck. It is true. If I came on, I was like, anyone forget that I wrote an episode of Malcolm in the Middle? People were like, dude, shut up. That was like 11 years ago. No one gives a fuck. I'll be there someday.

I just hate the fucking dick swinging of that shit when like again this is the rule like whenever i've hosted for a headliner the more shit they give you in terms of their credits the worse of a comic they usually are so when a comic has to be like remember the time i did it's like if you were that funny dude you wouldn't be thinking about the time you wrote 55 episodes of TV 10 years ago. Yeah, say my name and what am I working on? HBO, whatever. Now I got a good credit.

Yeah, dude. Sign it live. Decent credit. Dude, that's a sick credit. Good credit. And it's an automatic laugh for the crowd. They come out and they go, ha, ha, ha. Yeah, there's the guy.

He's having fun. That's the fighting spirit, dude. People are like, don't kill yourself. I'm not. I'm not. Yeah. Yeah, that's funny. For a minute, at first, I was like, I would suck if he fucking killed himself. No, I'm not i'm not yeah yeah that's funny for a minute at

first i was like i would suck if he fucking killed himself no i'm not gonna i didn't think over this i think you would but you're so dark dude you talk about killing yourself all the time uh yeah that's how you know someone's gonna kill themselves when they're like everything's fucked up and you're like are you gonna kill yourself like dude man look i'm not gonna fucking get usually they'll try to convince you like everything's awesome and like trust me dude this is cool oh well i've been doing that maybe i am gonna kill myself you'm not gonna fucking get usually they'll try to convince you that like everything's awesome and like trust me dude this is cool oh well I've been doing that

maybe I am gonna kill myself you're not gonna kill yourself that's something they say to look out for they'll like 180 real quick and be like dude no I mean look I got a lot of stuff

to be grateful for in their head they're like I'm gonna fucking kill myself no well the thing is is I still have to I'm gonna try to come back

I'm gonna come back so I'm not gonna kill myself before I get that. Bro, the future's unwritten, man. No shit. That's the best. I think about that every day and I'm like, I have no fucking idea what's going to happen to me. That's what keeps me going.

That's what I woke up to that day. I wonder what the fuck's going to happen today. Oh, cool. I got SNL. Oh, fuck. Oh, God. Dude, I have a million text messages of just like, holy fuck, congrats, dude. And then I didn't have time to respond to anybody. And the next text is like, oh, sorry, God. Dude, I have a million text messages of just like, holy fuck, congrats, dude. And then I didn't have time to respond to anybody.

And the next text like, oh, sorry, dude. Frowny face. Countless text messages. That's so funny. And DMs of like, dude, amazing. You deserve this. You're the best. Next text message is like, ah, it's all right, man.

You'll be okay. Dude, that's a blowover. Yeah, I'm like, guys, it's not blown over. I texted Sean. I thought they're keeping you, bro. Sean Patton texted. I'm like, guys, it's not blown over. I texted, uh, I thought they're keeping you, bro. Sean Patton texted me and was like,

Hey, congrats. I was like, they'll fire me by the end of this week. And that was before anything started. Really? I was like, bro,

they're not letting this happen. Any response? He left. Like a week later, he was like, holy shit. You called it. He was like,

I didn't want to bring this up, but yeah, you called it. Yeah. Called it. Um, bring this up but yeah you called it yeah called it um where are we at time 155 yeah we should wrap solid cast nobody yeah what's up our enemies didn't go through this what do you mean the enemies did to the hour 55 mark the true enemies did probably passed out laughing dude dude. Woke up like, what the fuck happened? What did I miss? No, I'll get buttfucked for this. You think so? No, I'm taking buttfuckings, dude.

I'm getting buttfucked. Damn, dude. I'm going to take some buttfucks. You're crawling over the last sandbag. You're like, everybody go. And people just run up like, you can't say that. You're not allowed to say that. Oh, I just cummed.

Oh, yes. I jizzed on myself because you said something bad. Yeah. The one thing I'm just dreading is South Park crushing me. Yeah. Oh, dude, if South Park crushes me, then you can put me on suicide watch. If South Park crushes me, I'll be fucking hurt. I know. I'm scared.

It's coming out this week, right? It's a bad time for South Park toes me, I'll be fucking hurt. I know. I'm scared. It's coming out this week, right? It's a bad time for South Park to be coming back. And if I were them, I would have me as Mimsy, because I look exactly like fucking Mimsy. And I would have Mimsy come out and say some racial slurs. Mimsy was doing a podcast and doing slurs. It would be so funny. I know. So Mimsy says racial slurs, and then all the Asian characters come out and say some podcast and doing slurs it'd be so funny i know so mimsy says racial slurs and

then all the asian characters come out oh and go wild so i do like i i know i have that planned for a fucking that could be a hit shit uh you should just write the episode and roast i might just send it to him be like guys look this is what i would do if i were you guys damn but having mimsy do a fucking podcast mimsy doing that i'll be like oh mimsy is an edgelord on a podcast it would be the funniest fucking thing oh it's also right sorry i just don't like i didn't want to be a fucking edgelord that sucks being a fucking edgy guy that sucks yeah but it's not like i don't know i hear what you're saying i'm not that guy i'm not like what snowflakes you can't take it no i know i know and that sucks because that's what also tom hardy from taboo

also people think i'm that guy also if i if i was a comic that didn't know me and just saw that clip i'd be like hey he's a fucking edgelord fucking moron. Yeah, but we're on the tip of the pulse, dude. I don't think people realize. They're not using the lingo. They're just kind of like, what was that? Yeah. How do I respond to that right now?

I don't know what to do. Yeah. Well, good ep. That was a good time. Let's see what happens. I'm sure it'll be great. It'd be funny if nothing happens. That'd be hilarious.

That would be cool. That'd be tight. It'd be funny if nothing happens. That'd be hilarious. That would be cool. That'd be tight. I'd be all right with that. Just a quiet fucking storm. Yeah, but I got a good feeling. Things aren't going to come out great out of this, media-wise. But what am I going to do? No one's going to be like, hey.

I'll tell you what you're going to do. I listened to Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast. I'll tell you what. I was wrong. Those guys are pretty funny. That'll never happen. Yeah. You're going to have. I listen to Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast. I'll tell you what. I was wrong. Those guys are pretty funny. That'll never happen. Yeah. You're going to have to wake up every morning, first thing in the morning, hit Twitter, start

sending out some tweets, hit the date, hit the mirror lock. I go, dude, and fucking go about your day. You think I should trump out on this thing? Every day. You don't think I'd pass that off to my agents and management? I was like, yo, or I could just keep saying wild shit and they got nothing to stick me on i could trump out on this honestly i thought snl was using you i had a conspiracy in my head that they were gonna yeah they were gonna have you on there then you'd be like oh my god

get this guy off and the whole country would watch non-stop like oh my god and then you'd have to again wake up every morning and be like fucking china thinks they can devalue their currency i tell you what no yeah they uh nine million that's one that bothers me too is like this is a conspiracy snl picked him so they could do this and it's like how about you give me some fucking credit true i can see you're fucking getting this not even just that i'm saying they're like this will be awesome this dude rules and like half the country's gonna watch because like oh wow we want to watch this dude and the other half i don't think it watch because, like, oh, wow, we want to watch this dude, and the other half's going to get him.

I don't think it's a conspiracy. I think that's exactly what they did. They were like, this guy's funny, and finally he's not somebody that's going to cry that Hillary lost. Yes. He's not going to, you know, be sad about it. So that's good. They did want that, for sure. They heard that in my stand-up.

Yeah. Yeah. They didn't realize the mountain of bones you were standing on. And that's,'s Yeah it's like How did I get here So it's like Of course I would go back And be like

Man I wish I didn't do that But that's how I got here This is what made me Who I am Yeah Is talking all that shit Yeah man I can't be like

I can't deny that now No It is what it is Dude You just have to accept The role as dude Total fucking king dude Total king dude

and just completely rise up. I'm gonna try. In a fun way. Of course. But yeah the fucking conspiracy thing of like

I think they just picked because it's coming from comics that could never get what I just got. Yeah. So they're all like well I would have

got it. They just picked a guy at random. Do you think they men in blacked you? Like watching you in the street and watching you just like drive your crow. I'm like, get the fuck out of the way. And Lorne was like, no, he's fucking good.

Yeah, this guy. He came up and got you, dude. Like, we've been watching you. Just hearing other comics be like, they just picked somebody at random that they could, you know, fire and make a whole big deal out of. It's like, dude, give me an ounce of credit. True that. I never thought about that. Maybe he was fucking funny enough to get us. You know? Yeah. Maybe. True that. I never thought about that. Maybe he was fucking funny enough to get SNL.

Yeah. Maybe. True that. You know. But you could still be funny enough to fit in the conspiracy. Sure. Couldn't have just done anybody.

But I hear what you're saying. I never thought about it from that angle. People being like, yeah, I mean, they saw you and they were like... Like listening to comics be like, you know, he's a fucking Trump-supporting fucking idiot. So that's why they picked him, and now they get to fire him and look good. Yeah.

It's like, nah. It's not what happened, dude. Nah. You were behind closed doors of the meeting, dude. First off, well, I ain't. You didn't ink the fucking deal, dude. Mm-hmm. Heard that.

I hear you on that. Yeah. I'm going to stop spreading any kind of conspiracy theory. No, I don't give a fuck, but there's there's listening to comics that'll never ever have this be like well i could i mean they just pick somebody at random it's not it has nothing to do with talent i could have got that it's like there's truth to that dude i bet you couldn't that's truth of that again my personal ethos all about tapping into your own life but again like you're saying when you feel the the pull of something that big sucking you up,

I mean, don't make the illusion. Don't have illusions about yourself that you'll just be like, I'm sticking to my plan. Yeah. It's like, doubt that. Yeah. Doubt that.

Although now people probably be like, I'm cool. Oh, now? Go to SNL, everyone will be like, let me... No, every single person will still say yes. Let me get back to you in a couple weeks uh every single person will still say yes let me get back to you in a couple weeks every single person would still say yes yeah it's also funny to hear people

like dude turn it down like uh no yeah exactly what the fuck are you talking about no well no one would even know that um no one will believe you'd be like all right guys i'd also like to you know it's also interesting to imagine any of these people under that scrutiny not apologizing. I don't see that either. Who? Any of the people that are criticizing how I handled anything. It's like, are you sure? You wouldn't have just come out and been like, I'm so sorry.

Yeah. Anything to keep that job. Let me get this. Yeah. Yeah. That's some motherfucking bullshit. Whatever. That's armchair quarterback, bro.

What was that Roosevelt quote, dude? The people watching you guys. Yeah. Dust in the arena and stuff yeah dust in the arena well i'm not a gladiator all we are is dust in the arena shut up sorry um yeah let's toss this fucking grenade out and see what happens critical acclaim dude peace emmy dude peace