Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Dad Dwyer

Episode Date: May 27, 2020

Shane's hitting the Pelaton and eating real, real good. Matt's deep underground with very serious projects going on and is, regretfully, neglecting his body and its various needs. Topics include: lady freaking out on the bird watcher, People who love the news (again) ((my bad)), Protecting our sweet daughters, the grim new reality of supermarkets, and more!!!!!! Support the DAWGZ: patreon.com/MSsecretpod Watch the video: https://youtu.be/ArE305XT5RM

all right baby we live we live yeah i thought we're just carrying over a conversation we're just having i thought uh genuinely i was like oh nice if i don't drink for like a month i'm definitely gonna like lose weight instead i've just eaten well my mommy and daddy make dinner so that i'm not used to i'm not used to having more than one serving even available usually just whatever i order that's it that's the end of the food now there's like i can finish eating a full dinner and immediately go eat dinner before this podcast i had a bowl of spaghetti start holding it down like that in restaurants when everything goes back to normal it's like go immediately to the back of the kitchen with your plate and just go like to a big pot well i'm gonna just get a half half of what i just had i'm just getting another

portion i'm just getting another 50 percent of what i just had i'm just getting another portion i'm just getting another 50 percent of what i just after this you'll be able to do whatever the fuck you want in a restaurant you just go in the kitchen like what i'm getting i'm getting seconds what do you guys sure i'll go somewhere else i will go somewhere else you guys are lucky you're here right now i can't have a second half portion finish myself off to make sure that i'm immobile i need my stomach to be heavy now yeah it's uh well yeah just threaten to like spit on them be like i'll come back here i'll spit on all the food dude actually you can do that pre cronies start holding people speaking of holding people hostages you see that amy cooper lady strangle her dog what uh there was just this lady in central park and a black uh

a black dude who was a bird watcher so that's the level of threat we're talking about as far as black dudes bird watcher bird watcher so he's got like a jeff cap on like a weird complicated button probably like a scarf yes couldn't i mean come on come on lady he's wearing like a button down with chinese symbols on it she's like oh my god yeah the basically they got the whitest argument possible like her dog was off her leash in the area of central park where bird washers bird watchers go and he didn't want the dog scaring off the bird so he was like ma'am you have to put that dog on a leash and she fucking lost her shit was like i'll call the police on you right now oh my god so yeah she's getting she's getting i mean crucified dude she's her job's gone i think

the dog was recognized by the uh because during the phone call she's literally strangling the dog for some reason she just lost her mind she's she's in a pure panic and she's holding the dog for some reason. She just lost her mind. She got pissed. She's in a pure panic, and she's holding the dog by the collar. It's choking the dog. And she calls the cops. She's like, there's an African-American man who's threatening me and my dog. And so anyway,

she's getting publicly crucified. And so much so that she's definitely going to lose her job. And she also lost her dog. She had to return the dog. It was a rescue. She gave the dog back. So she strangled it.

Dude, this lady's done. Yeah, and then I was just looking at articles. That's suicide watch shit, dude. You lose your rescue dog. Oh, she's going to kill herself. And she also, she had like a white lady uh she was probably like late 30s early 40s late 30s i only saw one grainy video but she had like short hair she had like a rachel maddow cut and it's like obviously this lady's liberal. Yeah.

Like clearly. And I just, I was just reading articles about how they're like, no liberal, liberal white people can be racist too. Just so you know, it's like, oh, oh really? Oh, for real. Tell me. Oh really? Explain this to me. No, it's believe it or not.

It's not party lines. Democrats can be racist too. It's like, oh, thank's believe it or not. It's not party lines. Democrats can be racist too. It's like, Oh, thank you. Thank you. Media. Oh,

that's so fucking, it's fucking even, even in these moments, they're patting themselves on the back for being liberal and being like, no, Democrats can be racist too. Yeah. Believe it or not.

Unbelievable. Believe it or not. Sometimes when rich Democrats see black people, we fantasize about calling the police just because we're scared. Yeah. Nervous. We don't know what's going on. sometimes dude that's so funny she's again in like a in one of those like anime type battles he was like you need to move your dog she's like i'll call the fucking police right now calling the police come sing sing like all the fucking yeah she's also probably going through her head she's like who do i call to deal what

the situation arose and she was like oh i'm gonna call the police oh yeah i'd like to report a black guy inconvenience me there's a black guy bothering me yeah what a black guy disagreeing with me in the park yeah oh these are the mutts dude one of those mutts which one is that i'm about to choke both of these guys so someone takes them off me. Let me see those boys. Here, I'll just pull the Logitech around. Let's see these boys. Yes.

Look at that basement, bro. You got a nice setup. I got to keep cleaning it up, man. It's a little... It's getting there. It's getting there. What are the mutts doing down there? I'm banishing them. Well, if the door... Sometimes i don't shut the door all the way and they just jackson

bust his head through the door let me uh you gotta banish him yeah for sure all right we back the mutts have been given them dags yeah so this lady was she so she just bugged out she bugged out and she bugged dude well i mean that's also any, I mean, you know, this lady's, I would guess she's decently well to do. She's out. Oh, she was like the vice president of she, yeah, she's doing well.

Yeah. So it's like, you know, then it's, this goes for a lot of the, you know, people who like share Huffington post articles are like, this is so fucked up.

I can't believe this. As soon as they're inconvenienced at all, their brat supersedes their ability to be like a liberal white hero. So as soon as they get inconvenienced, you're like, well,ienced like fucking call the police on you black motherfucking oh shit yeah the level i mean so high that's what people don't realize it's it's what we've literally been pointing out and what we've been basically at war with since 2016 you and i yep like we've had our fucking swords out against this for years just white liberals being racist as fuck yeah and then hiding behind this weird like holier than thou like can you believe trump supporters are so stupid it's like you're just as dumb you're just as dumb

you're equals yeah man you're the same people well when they you know they've been building their personality for the last four years on how they're morally superior to everybody else and it's just and all it takes is one bird watcher being like hey can you put your dog on a leash more morality

out the window that's funny also big news today Jimmy Fallon tweeted out that he was very sorry for doing a blackface impression of Chris Rock on SNL in the 2000s. That's also funny, too, to just not think for yourself to the point where just like, what are you doing? We're doing blackface today. Okay, guys i'll do some blackface and then he'd be like oh no oh no that's the wrong decision oh man whoa well i i thought i liked blackface now i don't i you know that's a pretty good fallon oh dude i've been spying fallon for a minute really have you been practicing fallon at night no i haven't been practicing i just i watch him i'm just like

ever since he made fun of ne Young, I was like, fuck you, dude. Fuck you, man. That's when he personally offended me. And he hit the year. He hit the year, though, here pretty hard, which is funny. All these people that like – I think he might have been reading his own Reddit comments because I think he just made a preemptive apology for no reason. He just came out and was like, oh, dude, and first of all –

yeah, that's funny. It's funny he was like oh by the way totally forgot about this and missed all these people losing their jobs and stuff just jog i just saw my facebook timeline it's probably him in blackface he was like remember this he's like oh shit in here he goes actually you should probably read it with your accent in 2000 while on snl i made a terrible decision to do an impersonation of chris rock while in blackface there is no excuse for this i am very sorry for making this unquestionably offensive decision and thank all of you for holding me accountable

unquestionably offensive decision that's so that's honestly like close to the verbiage that NBC was trying to get me to say. It's very close. How's the clip? How's the clip? I think they have a – How's his black face, first of all? I'm sure it's wildly offensive.

Is he – I'm saying, is he good at it or is he bad at it? I think he's good. He's good at impressions. I was about to say, he did – I mean, I want to – if I get a Neil Young impression, consider us, you know, beef and squash. Like, I consider blackface as long as you come out and say, like,

shouldn't have mocked Neil Young. Because that personally pissed me the fuck off. Blackface Jimmy. That's funny. I was just typing it in. Realized blackface Jimmy is a funny nickname for Jimmy Fallon. This is pretty funny. BFJ.

It's pretty good really i have to see this oh man old blackface jimmy who was the uh who was like the makeup designer i don't know they need to be held accountable, too. I'm going to get to see if they're still around over at SNL. Blackface isn't a solo crime. This is like a team. There's definitely an entire team that pulls off a blackface. People just don't do this alone.

It's funny to imagine sitting. It looks like a barbershop where the makeup room is at SNL. You just sit in a chair. There's a team of people around him like painting his face black they must have been like this actually looks pretty uh you look pretty black oh yeah there was definitely someone said that the whole time there's yeah there's definitely someone like no no they don't they have like lighter kind of mustache yeah yeah how do we make his fucking nose bigger yeah that was good stuff.

That was somebody's job. That was somebody's job to be like, no, it's not right. Perfect. Some makeup artist is like, perfect. Yeah. It's like, say something jive real quick. Would you know that? Oh, perfect.

That makeup artist is definitely on Facebook right now. Like, and these motherfuckers, man, I can't believe anyone would do this it's like calling all makeup artists how many dude you know how many times a makeup artist probably gets called like a rich person's house and like blackface please doll me up here that's you go to the elites dude that was uh who the elites should instead of those like eyes wide shut parties with those masks they definitely have just blackface parties dude they 100% do you can't convince me they don't like oh i got a good makeup artist excellent blackface that's that's all they do that's the whole point of halloween so the elites could just comfortably do blackface that's when it started so sial yeah it didn't start back it didn't start like dio salus marti

it started like 1975 the elites were like true we please start doing blackface true the elites dude it is so funny that like frats used to have like pimps and hoes parties where dudes would like go full blackface like everyone did blackface well they would just be pimps that was in that was like while we were in college oh dude that was like very recently yeah that was like they wouldn't go i don't think i never see anyone bust out the makeup on a pimps and hoes party but i it was like you've seen pictures it's always like a dude in a michael vick jersey oh really yeah i've always seen pimps and hoes parties where it was like people would just dress like pimps but i'd never see i've never seen them go full bore on the, you know.

Yeah, I don't think anything was holding people back other than the effort. True. True that. It was a bad blackface party. I'm trying to think of like. These blackface parties aren't even close. I'm trying to think of like when it became,

so like when I, you know, I guess I graduated school 2009, so 2004. Honestly, I'm sorry to cut you off this is this is pretty fair the uh there's a white there's a black guy in there going white face with the squad and they're the jamaican bobsled jamaican bobsled team that's pretty good i mean everyone's having fun for that that's fair game that's all you have to do to counteract to get into trouble for black faces have one black dude there in white face true like no everyone was having fun stay out of it yeah this is just you know we're having a good time this is freaky friday we're doing freaky friday right now yeah we twist it up i mean little dicky did really good blackface in the freaky friday video it looks exactly like

chris brown yeah and he sings the n-word oh my. True. Oh, my God. Yeah, man. That's a hard day. Again, this is a – if you're watching the news, you're just telling who's winning right now. And, like, the Libs were winning. They were up. And all of a sudden it was like Jimmy Fallon, blackface, lady in the park, freaks out, calls the police. It's a hard L.

The liberals are – they're going to take the L on this Amy Cooper lady. She's definitely a liberal. Yeah, but they'll win by being a liberal. Yeah, true, true. Any racial issue. We have to admit the fact that, as crazy as it sounds, if you watch a certain news, you can be racist too. It's amazing.

Yeah, even though we all watch the same television show, we can still be racist. Dude, I went to – I was in a – we went and visited um some of brit's family up in like north jersey and super nice people but they watch their again it's like they'll watch cnn like my mom watches fox so like we're sitting there and it's just like the talk is just if you don't it the whole time was just like what the fuck were they saying oh they were like yeah the numbers is there you know like right now they did a thing where like there's less covid deaths in republican states versus democrat states on average there's two times the amount of

deaths in a blue state than there is three times including new york city if you don't include new york city there's two times the amount of death it's just double democrat states and it's funny because everyone's like fucking democrats are juicing the numbers and i was at a house where they're like fucking republicans are lying so everyone's convinced everyone else is juicing oh yeah which is so fucking funny because it's kind of simple because democrat states are first off they're close to new york and la and or they just have major cities yeah oh yeah that's all it is yeah i was thinking about that it's a pretty that's a pretty easy one it's a pretty easy way to look through it because i was wondering i'm like it has to be like i said just the fact that blue states like yeah and then you kind of um the other yeah and the other one

like montana is like clearly not getting crushed but the the funny it was like it is so funny to sit there like dude it was the whole everyone there like yeah and then this and that and it's just the same thing like it's just facebook takes the whole fucking time i'm sitting there just like eating kebabs just like yeah all right i'm gonna thank god i have a daughter now i just stared at her the whole time like all right this isn't that's nice your daughter's like a phone yeah just pick it up and look at it and just be like oh this is better but it is dude it's like the more people who get for me are getting hooked on the news it's like the the amount where people will just assign their whatever their discernment

of reality to a corporation that benefits from telling them what they want to hear and be like this is what it is it's like dude it's so fucking it's literally it's like people it's like them like just looking through a nike sign and just being like oh yeah and someone's like reebok and you're like what the fuck are you talking about and it's just like it's a wrong set of cherry pick that it's it's so fucking nuts to watch people there's a company that profits off of just kind of corralling your reality in a way that makes you feel like you're always right and it's like i can't believe people actually subscribe it's it's so it's so fucking weird it is it's very funny also i i was looking at dude amy cooper's definitely gonna kill it like this

her offense was is now i mean whether we like it or not the the like she's getting the death penalty from society right now for what she did yeah and she she might be the first this is a rough one for a white liberal lady from new york yeah and her dog getting taken away is the real the real dagger it's so funny it's so fucking mean well it's also like what happens she clearly she had a mental breakdown and somebody filmed it on look i'm not saying what she was doing wasn't you know wrong yeah but she clearly if you're doing something that's stupid you've lost your fucking mind she's out yeah and she like you can hear in the video she has she's totally out of breath she's like you you're assaulting me like and she's strangling her dog like she's not even she's holding her dog as high up as she can with her collar.

For some reason, she's losing her fucking mind in it. And now, you know, she's going to lose her job and her dog and, uh, get called a racist forever. And she,

I mean, it's wild. I'm not, I'm not saying what she's. Yeah. It's also, it's also the fact that nobody knows anything about this. Like,

like it was, she running around a hundred percent. What do you know? What, like what was her childhood? Like, what's she up to? Is she maybe fucking bipolar?

Does the, did the news cover that? Who the fuck knows? But yeah, it's instantly the first thing you go to is like, this was a totally perfectly functioning racist lady who freaked out on a black guy. It's like,

maybe that's the story. Maybe not. Maybe she had a fucking, maybe she completely detached from reality and freaked out on a black guy it's like maybe that's the story maybe not maybe she had a fucking maybe she completely detached from reality and freaked out yeah and then it's imagine if you saw like you know you walk around in philly and like i the one time the one time i walked by a guy uh it was like he was like i don't know if he's like an indian dude he was just like one of those guys you see in philly of like a totally indiscernible race you're like i don't know if he was like an Indian dude. He was just like one of those guys you see in Philly of like a totally indiscernible racer. Like, I don't know. Like, this person could be anything.

And me and Brittany walked by. And the guy, what is that? Joe Biden. That's fucking sick. Me and Brittany. I forgot Phil put that on my laptop. That's fucking hilarious. Me and Brittany walked by this guy.

We were going to get tacos. And he was like, this motherfucking white man and his black bitch they don't scare me if i stopped around like um excuse me he was fucking nuts if i stopped around yeah excuse me you bigots what did you say there's a crazy person rambling to himself and i was like oh fucking britney's what did he say i'm like he's fucking nuts let's go get tacos yeah and it's that's funny good for him i'm happy for that guy he got his ground against white man damn scared about the white man his black bitch what the fuck man can you stop and again it's definitely different it's funny if you're fighting with your bae and you're like yeah you hear that

everybody knows high five i'm like all right bitch black bitch. It's just the, it's the crime, the crimes, the, and it's, I'm not saying this, it's just the, the, these, you know, kangaroo courts, these Pete, there's, you know, I hate to say lynch mob defending a racist lady, but you can't say that, but that's kind of what at these social these these mobs on twitter just hang a person yeah immediately yeah because they're like well serves them right it's like no i mean don't just the the you know the crimes are not matching the the punishments here well the punishments are like you're dead yeah well here this is the problem it's like they're you know their information diet they're going to a fountain like a soda

fountain with only lemon lime gatorade and that thing's gone all the time and so whenever they get anything they're just like oh lemon lime gatorade oh fucking off with it rather than being well what actually happened you know or waiting a fucking day to be like well let's see what else you know let's see what the full fucking yeah before i'm like off with their fucking head give me her dog i'm gonna fuck her dog it's like yeah or like yeah just they just instantly named her and put it on social media and they're like well no this is justice it's like i don't know i think we're getting in a dangerous world where you know it's a figurative guillotine it's literally a figurative guillotine if it was if we were all standing around in like weird shakespeare clothes they would have cut that

lady's head off if we didn't have if we didn't have social media the same impulse to be like cut her fucking head off put her in it was in that uh it was in that book uh that canceled book i read the guy was like yeah they used to do these you know the stocks and the pill like putting you in front of everybody in the town and everybody would shame you and then the reason they stopped doing it wasn't like uh you know it's not like we evolved they were just like no this this shaming was too too like it was horrible people couldn't deal with it like people would be like all right i'll take the lashes but can we please do them in private yeah like the lashes i don't give a fuck about the public part and it's like uh you

know imagine having to cry in front of your everyone you've ever known your village just getting big i mean you were like for like you fucked somebody yeah exactly you came you know you came and the next thing you know, you're in front of your, I mean, imagine how hard you'd come after that though. The whole village laughing and pointing and then like net you back out. You're shepherding and the sheep, you're like,

Oh, you're not jerking off with the sheep. Yeah. I mean, that's one of the fuckers want to make me cry. I'm gonna make me cry when I come. You fucking idiots. Yeah,

dude. I mean, again, it's like you know and every it's so easy i can always hear people twisting it up like oh so now you care so this is who your defense like now dude it's like you could be anybody dude it'd be anybody people just rushing to a snap judge yeah like let's destroy their life like how old's this lady 45 years old let's think about yeah let's say she's 40 everything she's ever done snap a picture of her at her worst obviously and then be like it's all coming down that's her forever exactly that's

literally she's dead and it's not even that big of a deal if so if you get caught like freaking out in a park and calling the police on a black dude like sure like you should definitely like get like yeah it definitely is up to your company but yeah this is a bad look dude we're fucking out but for like they have the army of people who are like in here she is let's get her address let's fucking here we're gonna kick sure she's always fucked up forever yeah all right man like that's all right that's cool that's true i mean like yeah it's up to her company to fire her for sure if they want to fire whatever if somebody's unstable enough that they're doing that yeah they probably shouldn't be in charge of anything yeah they should give her desk duty like a cop they should be like you're off the street yeah true i'm waiting for one of these insurance companies needs to have the same like spine and and uh defense of

their own as as the fucking police do but, the police will like shoot a black dude on camera and the company's like, and the police station's like, we're not giving out his name. And, uh... I mean, they're a gang. He's getting paid. Oh, they're a gang. Dude, I remember there was a 50 Cent said that in like a documentary I was watching of 50 Cent. And he was like,

that's the biggest gang right there. And as soon as he said it, I was like, oh, that makes perfect sense. Yeah, man. Still dudes. They makes perfect sense. Yeah, man. Still dudes. They just have helicopters. Yeah, dude. They're fucking squatted up. Yeah, they shoot people. And there's a specific, like, you know, if you kick somebody's ass and a cop's like,

you know, if someone kicks my fucking ass, they're like, oh, this guy, stop kicking his ass. If you beat a cop up, they all are like, motherfucker, you're dead. Yeah. Which, you know, makes sense. That's yeah which you know makes i mean it makes sense that's the you know that's the mentality but yeah dude that's uh man it's a tough day it's a tough day in the news cycle it's funny dude i haven't i haven't been listening to the news at all like at all i i got i got real big and be like i'm gonna start reading the atlantic i'm gonna start

reading the economist or whatever i make it for like two weeks of like following with stuff and I'm just like oh fuck this shit I don't I can't man oh that's funny that's what's going on just more bullshit it is and it's like oh this this one got me this got me I got triggered by the libs a couple times I got triggered by the libs you're back in cannesburg bro I'm back in mechanics where I keep getting triggered by the libs. I got triggered. I was watching fucking, uh, I was watching house of cards. Yeah.

And, there's one part where Kevin Spacey's character is like putting together like a civil war replica thing in his office. He's the president. Yeah. And his wife, the first lady comes in and it's like, first off, they talk like such fucking assholes.

The show is, you'd have to be, you almost have to be kind of stupid to watch the show to be like yeah this is definitely how the elites talk and think well he talks like he talks in his pedophile video and he's like yeah that's his character oh he's like oh you thought you'd get rid of me well it's just like yeah dude you fucking you're a pedophile you gotta go but uh so he's like looking at Civil War things, and his wife comes in and is like,

still shocking to me. And he's like, what? And she's like, there's no women. He's like, that is shocking, Claire. It's funny because I've been watching the show long enough. You can see where it switched to try to catch up to being woke. Yeah. And the last two seasons are like an all-women takeover for no reason that's so funny claire's definitely going to become the president and her whole cabinet's like tough kick-ass women well it's also that's what's like wait what why are we doing this now

even when the main star of your show is accused of like true pedophilia you know not even like they were setting it up not even pedophilia where he like did the work lord he was just he was just grabbing ass in a club wasn't like he'd like you know been like michael jackson or whatever he he was like grab he was a violent pedophile he wasn't a smooth pedophile he wasn't he wasn't he wasn't a smooth pedophile that's right though you got to give michael jackson does deserve credit for that for being a smooth operator and like treating the kids right i mean if you fuck that many kids and all of them are like no i love michael yeah but did a crime even happen i mean yes

look i'm saying if the kids like you after you sexually assault them is it a crime i think that's what the amusement park in his backyard was all about just getting that like smiley face ikea smiley face on the way out how many how many fucking tear-filled ferris wheel rides were there after that you know what i mean i mean it's been said a zillion just crying on america around just someone disintegrating cotton candy with their tears i mean dude it's been said a million times that's fucked up tears dropping into cotton candy that's sorry pretty dark yes i like it but that's a dark image well it's also like it's been said so many times but like you pull up you're like oh we're at michael jackson's house you're a parent and

you just see like a merry-go-round and shit you're like all right have fun this isn't fucking this isn't triggering any spidey sense of mind it's like all right i don't know i think back then nobody was i don't think people i think people were all right with pedophiles i think first off every all the geezers now want to be like oh we didn't we just called them weirdos they lived in our neighborhood we didn't dude now everybody was just cool with it they called it funny business that guy's a little funny it's like yeah he's raping children yeah they knew what it was that's true no i just uh i got triggered hard by the libs on that last night she like looked at the like what do you think this should be he's like i'm all for women in combat

the american civil war i mean first off there were some women in there we've covered that have you ever been to a nightclub that's 18 to enter 21 21 to party dude i just stopped myself i'm spilling a glass of water on my computer pretty happy about that yeah that's uh that's funny i was actually thinking about recently i don't know what i'm trying to think what kind of like spike this thought in my head but i was thinking about the whole i think i was watching something on tv but it was like the whole idea of like the dad when like his daughter's starting to date people and just being like with like i'm polishing my gun you better not

finger her fucking b-hole you gotta answer to me yeah i'm gonna kill you i'm gonna shoot you with a gun i was thinking about the dad just being like if you fucking if anyone's eating ass in this house i'm gonna see this gun i'm gonna shoot myself with it i'm gonna shoot myself you want me to kill myself you better not fuck my daughter polishing my gun i'll stick this shotgun right in my mouth if you fucking touch your beetle what'd you fucking say i'll fucking do it dude don't follow them on a date like the whole time those dudes that do that the guys that clean their guns to protect their daughter they all want to fuck their daughter every single one of those dudes he's so mad that they're not the ones

that get to fuck their daughter that's that guy i'll fucking do it right i wish i could fuck her but i can't because of the rules yeah i think it should be more focused that's what i was thinking like it should be instead of being like a weirdly like like you better not suck her tits dude it should just be like you talking to the guy and be like look man when you base relationships strictly based off trying to come bad things happen in your life like forget about all this shit but it's like the problem is you have to be you're talking to 19 year olds who are just like they're just it's like talking to an iguana pumped full of cum where they're just like yeah they're just gonna do they're gonna lie to you do whatever it going to do whatever it takes

to get out of that conversation to fuck your daughter. This dude, you can literally, you're talking to a dude who can shoot jizz like four feet. He's just like, yes, sir, sir, yes, sir.

Yeah, he knows you're not going to kill him. No. He's calling you bluff, dude. You're going to take the gun out of your mouth and put it to his head and be like, I'm going to fuck your daughter, dude. What are you going to do about it? If I don't come tonight, I'm going to fucking bluff, dude. You're going to take the gun out of your mouth and put it to his head and be like, I'm going to fuck your daughter, dude. What are you going to do about it?

If I don't come tonight, I'm going to fucking die, dude. You're going to have to kill me, motherfucker. It's the Mexican standoff between a cum-filled boy and a horny-ass dad, dude. The dad's – all those dudes are like, I'm cleaning my shotgun. If you want to talk to my daughter, it's like, just fuck her, dude. Just fuck your daughter. Please. Or just admit she's hot. Be like, all right daughter's hot i'm not i'm not a weirdo or anything it'd be funny to have one of those guys with like a disgustingly ugly daughter yeah i'm cleaning my gun no boys better come around here it's like no one wants to fuck that lady

be still good you still gotta clean your guns you gotta defend your daughter with guns dude her virginity if you don't have any guns guess what your daughter's a slut so true you don't have any guns and you're not pointing them at whoever comes to pick up your daughter she's jerking off every tim dick and harry dude yeah there it is i was trying to think of what it was called yeah uh it's also funny to think of like – you ever see Blacked? Have you ever seen that porn? Yes.

Yeah. It's funny to think of something like – High production value. Yeah, great production value. And just jacked giant dudes. Yeah, pretty good. Those dudes are incredible. Pretty good.

Pretty good. Those are some bird watchers, dude. You got to watch out for those bird watchers. If that was the bird watcher then yes call the cops no i'm saying they should start making those where it starts out with a dad being like oh you better treat my girls right then just cut screen immediately to her getting oh ripped apart by dudes on black.com just two dudes i want one on each ponytail just hold her up hold her midair. It's great.

It's great stuff. Yeah, man. I mean, there was somebody, there was Tushy. Yeah, your daughter goes on a date. I get it. Her feet don't touch the ground the whole time. Her feet are just lifted by dudes. Yeah, Tushy's all right with me. The storylines in Tushy are very good.

It's like I was in France with my tutor. And my tutor, it's always like, and then my was i was in france with my tutor and my tutor and then it's always like and then my tutor fucked me in the butt and you're like oh my god that's crazy yeah there was there's one of those girls like a sugar sugar baby yeah and then she invites her hot ass friend over i think it's emily willis i think that's where i started liking emily willis nice she got her butthole and then but you know? I'm not into the gaping butthole. I swear to God, I'm not. It really fucking ruins it for me. Yeah.

I don't want slash need to see that. Yeah, it's like surgical footage. It's disgusting. It's like fucking gross. I'm sorry. I'm still laughing about it. As a young man, just keep a survival knife on you. So when someone shows you a gun, just pull your dick out.

I'm like, I'll cut my fucking dick off right now. I'll cut my dick off in your house and run into the living room. Put my dick blood on your carpet, dude. Yeah, I don't like big, flaky buttholes. Holding your dick up and holding the knife underneath its head like you're going to slit its throat. And being like, Don't fucking move And your dick's like

Your dick's talking to the dad Like take the shot Do it Shoot him Shoot this motherfucker The daughter walks in The boyfriend has like A stretched out penis

With a survival knife And the dad has like Two guns in his mouth He's like Get the fuck out of here I'm trying to save you Oh man oh fuck that's a good sketch oh that'd be hilarious dude that would be fucking so funny i mean you'd have the show stretched out tinnis who you know any actors i can we'll stretch out and

do a number two pencil for the good of art yes undoubtedly yes like uh the cashier and be like can i see you stretch your penis go ahead and stretch your penis upwards hold a knife underneath it do the dull end to the back we got to be okay thank you pretty good we'll call you now grimace perfect thank you now threaten to take your penis's own life dude yeah that was making me laugh so fucking hard uh this weekend i'm just thinking about just going full commando dude it's like i'll fucking kill myself with this gun dude if you yeah you touch your b-hole somebody just sent me that last night about uh because me and beezer used to fucking die about that in uh the nancy kerrigan no not nancy kid tanya harding movie what was that her

there's just a point where her husband shows up or her boyfriend shows up to like her hotel room and then he pulls his gun out and puts it he's like i fucking love you you bitch look what you've done to me it's the funniest shit in the world like just like have a to meet a girl and be like i'll fucking kill myself i love you so much yeah somebody just sent me that somebody was like i fucking love you bitch i'll kill myself oh it was a it was a dude on a wall and he was yelling to his girlfriend he was like say you love me and she's like no and he so he jumped it's a small wall He was definitely fine But it was funny Still Threatening suicide For To make someone say

They love you Is so fucking awesome Threatening minor harm Might be even better But I do I'll jump off the I'll jump off the roof Of my shed right now

And fucking Fuck my ankle up Fuck that's so funny Yeah there's a Scene in the movie That's the best Is he's like driving Like the police

Start to pull him over after he shot at her. And he starts to get pulled over. He's like, you just fucking say anything and I'll kill you. I fucking love you so much, you bitch. He gets out. Oh, my God. Dude. Yeah.

How have you been feeling about these troubling times? Have you been in the supermarket or anything? No, I haven't. So you've just been in the house? I've been in the supermarket or anything? No, I haven't. So you've just been in the house? Going to the supermarket. Bro. No, I've been out and about. I went to a bar this week.

What? Bro, I don't give a fuck about Ronis. Where'd you go? There's a bar in my town called Snapper's. You could just sit outside. Oh, I see. You could sit outside and it was just takeout so i saw people doing that outside near uh near me they did take out and it was funny because it

was actually it would have been a great picture there's a bunch of people sitting on the steps drinking and like right next to a humongous sign saying no sitting on the steps and they just started doing takeout so everyone just gathered and started drinking yeah funny as fuck people are done bro corona's done i'm sorry it's I'm canceling Corona. Corona did blackface in 2000. True that. I also, um, look, I, so the other day I was sitting there and, um, my, my beautiful wife, we were sitting by the window and she was like, Oh, look, just innocent observation. She was like, look, that Asian lady's not wearing a mask. And I was like, that's definitely the groundhogs. They have coronavirus. When you start seeing Asian ladies without mask, it's like two more weeks max we're done we're out of this we're done asians do they have man are they scared of the

i think they're the most likely to wear a mask when they're off when they're done with it it's like oh we're fucking okay guys throw them out we're done it honestly it's like when you see like you know like like cows laying down you're like all right it's gonna rain like it's up it's on that level like if asians don't have mask on it's like all right it's gonna be a light flu season we're good we're good they know that's the covid i saw it was a couple too so that you see the couples are the asian couples around here stay masked up and they say messed up pre-coronates that's's what I'm saying. So like you see them, I saw them now and I was like, babe,

respectfully, I think that's a good sign. Babe, respectfully, I think that lady, that lady. Respectfully, that is a very positive omen.

That's a very positive, yes, that's auguring the end of Corona. And I said, babe, respectfully, me as a white male, you as a person of color,

a woman, excuse me, a woman of color. Excuse me? I think it's a valid assumption for me to say that I do think seeing that Asian woman without a mask augurs the fact that I'm a white male you as a person of color a woman excuse me a woman of color excuse me i think it's a valid assumption for me to say that i do think seeing that asian woman without a mask augurs the fact that coronavirus is winding down it's time it's time to let me go to the bar yeah man just fire it fire it back up yeah we'll see i mean it's gonna be it's just funny he's freaking out billy's losing his mind on this thing because he wants to have a fun boy summer and he can't.

I mean, that hurts. I'll give him that. You want to have fun boy summer, dude. The tank's out. He doesn't – the funny thing is all he wants to do is work. He doesn't even want to have a – he doesn't want to have a fun boy summer. I don't think he's missed a day. Yeah, he hasn't missed a day.

The funniest part about this is like you watch like – and again, it all comes down to the news. It's like people are trying to enjoy the summer with just like this show that the real purpose is to be like millions of people are going to die if you have fun you're just like fuck man it just fucking sucks and you talk to like i fun i talked to a dude this weekend he was like yeah i know like 10 people who died he's a little bit older but he was like yeah like i know like 10 people who fucking died so So you're like – because then you have the other side who was like,

this whole fucking thing is fake. And then it's like some guys, like 10 of my friends. I lost my family. Like fuck. Yeah. Fuck. No, there's – obviously it's fucking real.

Yeah. But – I want to go out and have fun. I want to have a fun summer. Exactly. So some geezers might have to perish for me to have fun. Memorial Day. Yeah, Memorial Day definitely was like there was – I woke up the dogs.

I didn't even realize there was people – like I saw people – whatchamacallit. Hold on one second. Let me pause this up. My bad. Hold up, hold up. All right, we back. My bad.

Had to handle some motherfucking business yeah man i have no idea i think we were talking about uh oh we're that's right we're talking about um the end talking about dads we're talking about the end of coronavirus coming oh yeah dude this is this is what i so this is what i was asking about food shopping i went to so i i went into whole foods i was like all right let me go in here because i live right near it let me go in there and uh i was like i think it's died down enough to where like i can go back and it's not gonna be like crazy they should have food there dude they want i think all the grocery stores did this now where it's like the lanes are now

one ways so they have one-way lanes so as soon as you go in one near me as soon as you go in there like you know you go in whole foods it's just the produce aisles right there fuck what i yawn just into the mic i just almost yawned but i think you got i think you got it i got your yawn and then i just i moved away from the screen and held the microphone and yawned a fucking moron he's broadcasting 101 dude he's like dude you walk in and it's just like in it's just like militant uh it's just like you go in there there's just like militant gender neutrals dude who are just like produce lines one way over there you're like what the fuck have i walked into and you're just getting yelled at by purple bowl cuts the entire it's it's fucking terrifying dude i whole foods yeah dude you walk in there go to whole foods dude i know i fucking i i can't i can't go in there anymore dude it's

like usually i just go in grab the stuff get out also i have all these weird fucking food allergies dude i'm such a piece of shit so i have to go to places that can cater to my needs the uh you don't have a gluten allergy oh 100 dude absolutely total next total next fib you're just dude look i get it matt you're trying to cash in on victimhood i know that's a trendy currency right now true you're trying to become a victim with your gluten true with the gluten that'd be so funny if i said if i had done that the whole time I was at school. I'm like, excuse me. Actually, I have multiple dietary restrictions. Dairy irritates me.

I'm dairy intolerant. Yeah. You should do that. Like when you raise your hand or something in class, you should have to state your oppressors immediately. You should be like, hi, Matt, 32, multiple dietary restrictions. It's like he, him, matt 32 multiple dietary restrictions like he him his uh multiple dietary restrictions irish okay sorry it doesn't count um irish oh that one doesn't that doesn't count oh that one makes me a white supremacist my bad i'll

the um yeah dude you i walk in and it's just like it just it triggered my autism my it triggered my mild autism to the point where i came home and like i was yelling i was mad at britney and i was explaining to her i'm like i'm like just fucking leave me alone like just give me a minute just like what the fuck's wrong with you i was like i just got yelled at by like 45 lesbians in like 30 minutes i'm just like you walk in it's like sir i'm sure and i'm like i'm not and the guy turned around like i'm not even going to the produce aisle. And they were like, okay, fucking weirdo. And I'm like, then I got a basket. So I grabbed a basket.

And then, you know, when you grab a basket and you make it like 60 pounds. So I have just, I didn't have the, I just filled a basket with 60 pounds. It was like lugging this thing around. Oh, it sucks. Starting to go down an aisle. And I'd see like a red square and be like, and turn around and be like, oh, sir, excuse me. I'm like, oh. Then like I walked. Finally, I get in a lot you like get in a line with everybody else and then they're like a lady's like how are you doing today sir you're like i'm good okay lane six go

over there then you stand at lane six behind so there's just fucking like drilling it's like it's like boot camp with lesbians dude it fully fucking is dude it's like new cadet where are you going are you lost i will get in your fucking ass. Where the fuck are you going? I don't know. That's our response. Go to Free Bread Crumbs or Aisle 6. Get over there now.

Not that way. Turn around. We don't walk. We run here. We run. Dude, for real, dude. It was ridiculous. I was like, by the end of it, I'm in line.

This lady's like, Aisle 6. So I go to Aisle 6. I'm standing there. And the lady's like, oh, excuse me, sir. Aisle 1. And I'm just like, God. And I don't you how much do you fucking love this shit i'm an essential employee no it's like dude oh my god i was telling spud dude i'm gonna be like good come up though i'm sorry to cut you off what a come up for for grocery workers true you were literally a complete loser four months ago now you're essential you're a team member whole foods

but yeah now you're a team member on on the the expos you're a fucking team loser it's like it's like if tsa employees all had master degrees in art history. They're just fucking... It's like TSA employee energy of just like, sir, excuse me. The TSA employee won't look at you and just yell at you. They'll just be looking at someone. Sir, excuse me. Could you please... And you're like, all right. I've been flying a lot.

And it's not... No eye contact. Just like, sir, shoes in the bin. Or it's like you're standing... Here's your standing. Yeah. Or it's like, you're standing like, here's your standing, sir, stand over here. And you're like,

you're in front of 80 people. All right, I'll move six inches. If this makes you fucking happy, it has to, you know, I'm sure they didn't start that way at their job. I'm sure they started like,

yeah, you can take your computer out of the bag. Yeah, please. I'm sure it started like that by like week one, being like computers out of the bag. Yeah, please. I'm sure it started like that by like week one being like, computers out of the fucking bag. I know.

Did you not hear that? That's true. Every single day of a person like, am I supposed to take my shoes off, my laptop's out of my bag? You're just like, computers out of the bag. Yeah, you just scream it into the fucking abyss. You just scream at the drop ceiling. Computers out of the bag.

It's just thousands of people mill past you endlessly. Just like, how much longer do I have to stand here for? And you're like, just fucking go through the cancer. Computer out of the bag. Just computer out of the fucking bag, dude. Yeah, that's funny. But yeah, the grocery worker worker the grocery employee in this this 2020 was a come up for them they they they were a laughing stock and now they're heroes well do

you think it translates do you think in the say the dating market essential workers get recognized in terms of like getting you know head do you think a grocery bagger right now is like cashing in no getting all kinds of head yeah i don't think i think i think it pulled off left to the realm of just like yeah oh i love them too oh yeah yeah and it's like all right well here we have this guy right here he has been working in the meat section he is at the deli would you like to suck this man and split an apartment with him it's like no, no, but good job. Thanks for, you know, being a butcher. Thanks for butchering.

Thank you. I was telling Spud, man, I'm going to have like, I'm going to be like an old man. Why does grandpa hate cashiers so much? He'd be like, oh, it's back in COVID. You leave the Korean War and you're just like, motherfucking goddamn son of a bitch. Motherfuckers, how'd you get on? i just grandma hate whole foods lesbians so much

because i got yelled at back in 20. it triggered my mild autism back into back in 20 i was getting yelled at by lesbians in the foot in the i was at the lesbian butcher and she told me she ever walked the wrong way down the cereal aisle and have a lady with a fucking purple bowl cut yell at you? I don't think so. You wouldn't fucking know about that with your pussy ass fucking Amazon drone. When I was a kid we had to go get them and fight

lesbians to get Froot Loops. Crouton free Froot Loops you bitch pussy. Purple haired lesbians were the tigers of the jungle back in the day. I i was in phil's ass last night for not being a troop that was pretty fun oh that's awesome we were just hanging outside and i was just like you fucking wish you were a troop oh this is why just the beginning of the conversation so funny this is why it was great because i walked out to him we were out on

the deck for a little Memorial Day snack. We were all eating dinner. I don't know why I called that. Well, probably because I was going to eat three more dinners. Because it was only your first dinner. Yeah, it was only my first dinner. I still had to get – it's crazy what's happening here. I had to tell my mom, like, stop making all that food.

She makes so much food, and I'm going to eat it. Oh, for sure. You guys are eating, like, eight-inch sliders. You're like, oh, it's just an appetizer, it's just an app it doesn't matter i'll eat a pound of shrimp every like she'll be like that's an appetizer i'll eat the whole thing of shrimp and my parents my mom must have dropped a lot of money on shrimp anyway i walked outside and phil who had been drinking uh one of our neighbors i guess played taps on their while the sun was going down played taps on their trumpet outside or whatever the fucking horn is and my dad stood up hand on

his chest just on our deck just stood there just small taps dude imagine being drunk wild back deck into standing up and being in america that's so fucking sick dude and i immediately came out i was like what the fuck because my sister was like while he was doing it in his defense he stood his ground because my sister was like shane like started yelling immediately like you need to see this oh god i came outside and i caught the tail end of it oh and i was too slow to get my phone i was good he was he was handling it like he was like a british like the guards at was going to – he was handling it like he was like a British, like the guards at the palace. Like the Bobby's?

Was not breaking – he was just standing there just totally for the troops. And then, yeah, that's when he sat down, and I was just like, you weren't a troop. Like, stop. Oh, fuck. Like him and all his friends, all of his – him and all his old buddies, all they do is like golf and sell insurance, and they all act like they were fucking like golf and sell insurance and they all act

like they were fucking marines well dude they're they're enjoying they're enjoying their freedom dude i get it but he's free to hit the links every sunday and fucking yeah he's drinking golf and they're like oh man war is hell huh dude that is so fun dude that is so fucking funny of him standing up yeah that was like the the time he was like we don't we don't think like that shane i was like you and all your friends they all talk like they were troops oh they think they're like disciplinarians it's like dude you went to clarion and you got drunk yeah yeah stop Yeah, dude. Stop. Well, he was like Vietnam age, wasn't he? He was towards the end of Vietnam, yeah. How old is he?

So I always make fun of him. I call him a draft dodger. He went to college. He played ball to escape the draft. Yeah, I told him he was a draft dodger. I think he was like 63. I think he's 63 or 64. Nah, yeah, he's on the low.

He's late. My dad wasn't. My dad, he was too young for Nam. He claims he wanted to go. He claims. He's like, I would have went. I was too young. That's what I was trying to get Phil to admit last night. I was like, you would have.

I was like, you weren't a troop. You weren't. And he's like, I would have joined it, but Vietnam was going on. He's like, I don't think I would have liked Vietnam too much. I was like, you don't think? I don't do well in jungles. Yeah, I don't do well surrounded by death. No, he just said because of the humidity.

I think he didn't think, Phil doesn't think he'd do well in Vietnam because of where the battles were fought. He's more of a European theater more of a He's more of a European theater World War II American Trooper He can see himself in those scenarios Or in Desert Storm He can see himself in some desert camo

Big time Desert Storm guy Yeah we need a good Desert Storm Desert Storm's a good war for a lot of those guys Yeah we need a good war that everyone can get behind That we can easily win You know what I mean Desert Storm was just a blowout dude for a lot of those guys. Yeah, we need a good war that everyone can get behind, that we can easily win. You know what I mean? Yeah, Desert Storm was just a blowout, dude.

We fucked their asses. Yeah, before we fight China, I think we should fight the Philippines. Just to like... Philippines would be tough, dude. Philippines is tough. Yeah, I think every citizen there has like five guns. Fuck yeah, it's Duerte. Oh, Duerte and Trump are too much of boys anyway.

Yeah, we couldn't go with them. We gotta...'d be an ally they'd be an oh yeah duerte has been murdering drug dealers so trump is like we just gotta go in uh like you know take the condom off and go in on isis just go back into syria and just that's that would that's a layup of a victory and kind of righteous yeah just to defeat isis aren't they done i thought they're like i thought they're Yeah they're pretty much done But I'm saying get in there And really We would have to go to war

I think with What's his name The president of Syria No Assad Assad or some Assad yeah Yeah

True Yeah that would be an easy win We should Yeah we do need a good A good victory We need to tune somebody up to boost morale in this country. We need to just go fucking murder 100,000 to 800,000 civilians. Do you think that would be the numbers they need to put up to win the war?

I don't know. We got Amy Cooper calling the cops on a birdwatcher. I think it's time for us to invade a Caribbean nation. Although they've been taken care of. They've been neutered the caribbean wait hold on trying to think of something something easy oh yeah yeah yeah are you talking about like reclaiming like what we should do is like take one of those french or like english like saint martin's we should take that and to see what england does yeah

that'd be tight yeah i wouldn't mind starting to like aggressively move on territory to like at at england that's what i'm saying like at france yeah yeah new zealand get new zealand i would war against australia would be tight too no those are our australia might be like our closest allies these days true no that's true australia's are actual like dogs true no that is true australia goes to war with us like every single time do they really yeah australia loves our shit they love war dude they love what we're up to i wonder if we uh i mean can we is there anywhere we can go and just do like war games on the border i don't know like a country we could go taunt yeah exactly we exactly. We could start fucking with Canada.

That would be tight. If we started taunting Canada, like, militarily, and like, dude, you know we could come fuck you guys up. You know. We should remind them. They get so fucking, Canada's so cocky about, like, their healthcare and shit. It's like, dude, you know we could kill you if we felt like it?

And no one would stop us? I don't know who, I mean, who would do it. I think, like, France would be like, hey, come on, guys. Shut the fuck up, France. We're killing you. France, you're who, I mean, who would do it? I think like France would be like, Hey, come on guys. Shut the fuck up. France. You're next dude.

You're fucking next. Yeah. Shut the fuck up. That's true. We should demand like, we allow Canada to exist. Just, you know,

Canadians remember that we fucking allow you to exist. True. Does ISIS attack Canada at all? No. I mean, we should demand, we we should demand We should start extorting We should start extorting Like Canada, France I think we do

Actually I think they all extort us I literally think they all extort us That's what Trump says Trump says they're taking advantage They are None of them really even have to build a military Because they know we do I know

That's kind of bullshit Well it works out We can go kill them whenever we want true yeah yeah that'd be fun i mean we did a european war that would be pretty that must have been holy i mean it was probably horrible but yeah must have been fucking funny yeah you just need another good civil war we need a good civil i've been watching Yo, Grant It's on again tonight Yo, watch it It's really good

It's on the History Channel What's it? It's a three-part miniseries On your boy Ulysses Ulysses? No, that's how you say it Ulysses On U.S. Grant, dude

Little Ulysses S. Grant What's he up to? Just being a baller Just going through Getting it done no matter what. That's what's up. Being a loser until the war broke out. I appreciate that. I like that about him.

True. He kind of was – he was a loser at West Point. I'm a fan of that. True. And then he just got drafted. Yeah, I mean, you – He started boozing. I'm a fan of that.

I love Grant. Grant's the guy. I wonder if we can – there's got to be something to do where you can kind of like bypass the military altogether You started boozing. I'm a fan of it. I love Grant. Grant's the guy. True. I wonder if we can – there's got to be something to do where you can kind of like bypass the military altogether and do like a two-week tour. Rocking back yellow. Just individually? Maybe two weeks, dude. You're trying to hit them with that Bill's Aryan tip.

Yeah, yeah. I'm a friendly. I'm a good guy. I'm a friendly. I'm friendly. Give me – No, I'm friendly. Hire me on some Blackwater shit. A two-week contract.

I'll do it for 800 a week, dude. Let me get in there and get some action. Who are you trying to see action against? Anyone can get it, dude. Anyone can fucking get it. Show me the enemy, dude. You're just itching to get into a firefight. No.

I can't even go paint. I went paintballing and just laid there like, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck fuck fuck I gotta hit my wall like you're that Tom Hanks like ringing in your ear from D-Day but like everything went slow-mo you're paintballing like oh god I got hit by one of them it was just like this the whole rest of the day I want to go home yeah fuck that being a gunfight would be nuts they should combine whitewater rafting with paintballing so you just kind of you can pop Yeah, fuck that. Being in a gunfight would be nuts. Dude, they should combine whitewater rafting with paintballing. So you just kind of, you can pop down,

it's like float down, that'd be fucking awesome. That's a great idea. That would be so fun. Yeah, it's a great idea. Yeah, but you would end up like right next to, it would be a nonstop dogfight, dude. You guys would be next to each other the entire time. You got to board the,

I mean, that's when you board the other ship. You got to jump onto the other f and just fist fight that's true i think also a swashbuckle whitewater rafting like if you fall out you can break your legs on the rocks underneath you yeah i don't think you could organize this like uh as a business but you could you could set it up personally true like if you were tubing yeah you go to your friends tubing fucked up man man tubing's so fun that would be fun to go tubing going yeah tubing is the shit we can tubing we don't need coronavirus restrictions for that sure you can go tubing in the summer no problem it gets warm why don't you

come down here we'll go tubing in the yellow bridges i'm down then after after we hit the breaches we go down see what the boys are doing at the grove at williams grove that would be fucking sick i'm still so you could line the woods with uh paintballers and then you could ride down and you'd have to just you'd have to be like like the revenant you'd have to be eyes on the woods at all times and then but it would you'd be laying on your back on a tube so your nuts would be oh just the thwap off the nuts The distance from somebody shooting From out of the trees The thwap off of a wet bathing suit

Ball shot would be echoing For miles, dude Someone would be cleaning a dish and be like Oh Oh Someone would drop a dish Just like, ha ha Your dad would stand up

And he'd just be like Yeah my dad would salute Oh fuck Dude do you want Do you want to jump in the page Or what do you want to do I think we're at I think

Yeah let's Let's Oh here before we go Let's page tomorrow I think I'm I think I'm Alright that's cool I've reached my jizz limit.

June 4th, 5th, and 6th at Helium St. Louis. Oh, bro, before we go, speaking of jizz limits, I got some bad news. What? So there's a box of tissues that's kept in my room here. Gone? That is gone. I went through it. Oh, no.

So I usually J-O late at night. I sneak out at night and J-O. I don't sneak out. I just go to bed at like 1 a.m. and J-O. You sneak up and J-O. Yeah, sneak up. Make sure I can hear Phil snoring. Yep.

Make sure the coast is clear so they don't hear me. They're young. The youngest J-O. After three dinners, just finishing, you're just putting yourself out. Three dinners and then going upstairs like, oh. Yeah, I'm a fucking loser. But every time I go to my parents' house, I leave in almost a critical condition. I drive home.

Yeah, painfully full. I drink like 19 flavored seltzers and then eat like as much shit as I can. There's appetizers. Why are there appetizers? There's appetizers. There's fucking it's full meals. I finally had to tell it. I told my mom,

like, can we, can we stop feasting? Why do we keep feasting every night? There's cause Katie and, uh, the, her family comes over.

So now there's like five other people. Just every night. It's wild. But anyway. It's awesome. Reached over after my final crumb and there were no tissues. I finished the tissues and I just, I went up there today and there was a new box of tissues. Mommy resupplied them, dude.

My mom reloaded for me. Well, she's probably been backed up. She probably knew your tissue routine, so she was like, all right, it's been three days. Shane needs a new box of tissues. I couldn't believe it, dude. I saw a new box of tissues in there, and I was just like, ew. That's such a good mommy, dude.

She resupplied you? That's a disgusting thing. That's so good of her, dude, resupplied you? That's a disgusting thing That's so good of her, dude To be like, oh, Shane's out of bedroom tissues I genuinely believe she probably did it to shame me That box was undisturbed for like a year To be like, I noticed there was an empty tissue box in your room You're weird

That's fucking awesome That's brutal Go through the next one as fast as you can Now that I verbalized it Yeah, true i should just throw i should throw it out tonight just take all the tissues cold war dude and just like see just see the point where she'll just be shane what what's going on can i crash my my mom's tissue economy it is a cold war we need to see if i can jizz long enough to disrupt the tissue economy of my communist mother.

But yeah, come to, yeah, now that I brought it up, I actually feel. Weird. Embarrassed. Why do you feel embarrassed, dude? You know. Not embarrassed, but. Good mommy. You had.

Stop calling her mommy when you're talking about my cum, dude. All right. When my mom resupplying my tissues the funniest is like letting out a burp after you come from like eating like two pounds of rosemary you're like fuck tissues are out shit i mean yeah having just having just microwaved another dinner at like 11 30 p.m and then being like oh fuck about tissues and after like nine pieces of sausage this morning you go back to bed no i haven't eaten any pancakes yet but now that i mentioned it i do want some you're doing i genuinely i've been doing i've been working out and not drinking and i still think i'm gaining weight from just massive intake of food.

Just not like sweets. Not even sweets. Just like three dinners. Nutrient-dense food. Just constantly eating like chicken and corn. You're eating like an MMA athlete right now. All because I do like a half hour on a stationary bike. You're going to kind of McGregor diet because doing the peloton yeah i need to

have 18 000 calories a day i'm on michael phelps and he's 20 000 calories a day uh june 4th 5th and 6th st louis helium me b0 connor june 4th 5th and 6th what do you think of that dude that's big that's end of day stuff, dude. You'll be out there. Crowd's in a mask. Crowd'll be in a mask. They fucking, they're gonna check everybody's temperature.

Oh, are they gonna scan the car? They're literally checking everybody's temperatures on the way in. Really? If your temperature's above 100, you're not allowed in. What? Yeah. They were doing that to employees at a lot of places they'll they do like a body scan they'll scan your temperature all right you're in yeah and i also i kind of felt bad about it taking this gig but i i'm definitely gonna do it i mean i would like a part of me kind of felt you know

not i didn't feel personally i didn't feel feel bad. I just knew people were going to probably talk shit. Yeah. I mean, of course, they're going to be like, I can't believe you. At the same time, they're going to be like, thank fucking God he's going that way. I have to just wait two more weeks and I can start doing it too. Yeah. And it's also like, well, who else are we criticizing at the club? Are we going to criticize the white staff for working?

The essential workers. True that. How dare you bring them out? And they'll be like, wait a second. No, they want money. They're like, hold on. Well, then what about the comedian? True that. How dare you bring them out? And they'll be like, wait a second. No, they want money. Hold on. Well, then what about the comedian? Hold on.

Anderson Cooper comes in in a half hour. Check back in with me. I'll have an opinion then. Yeah, true. Fucking nonsense, dude. You think at one moment, do you think Mark Anthony stopped at one moment, dude, and worried about anything?

As he was, I don't know what that guy did. Damn, you got a new Dell? New gaming computer bro this thing is a brick dude this thing is a mistake of a purchase i bought it it is 90 pounds that's a good gaming laptop dude i downloaded a sick fucking game right now you don't have to play the french game you can play any game no i. You're going to like the game I'm playing. What are you playing on? It's like Thrones of Britannia. It's like 850.

Bronze Age? Like Bronze Age shit? Hold off. We're talking 850 AD. We're talking – I took an Irish clan in the center of Europe – or in the center of Ireland. But Vikings invade constantly.

I'm trying to unite the clans under Christianity, dude. We need Catholicism to reign. And these cunt, cock-sucking Vikings keep showing up. Motherfuckers, dude. They really are motherfuckers, and they don't even take your cities. They just kill everybody in them. They just come out. The game's really hard.

I just keep getting killed by Vikings. At least you have all your stuff afterwards. Yeah, but then you got then you just rebuild it and the vikings come right back and do it i mean it's i guess that's probably exactly what happened yes you gotta yeah i mean dude imagine the constant annoyance of that just boats show up like once every fucking three years kill everybody and leave that's horrifying yeah i was thinking about that today how like by the time you're like back and then dude they just took the hottest babes oh yeah that was like if there was a hot dude that's that's where the

original like dudes cleaning shotguns for their daughters started it's like vikings are gonna be here i'm cleaning this spear if you want to come yeah fuck my hot ass daughter you're gonna get fucker take her or yeah or just yes or just you know smash and roll or they'd smash just rape her in the middle of like our family's one room hut yeah well the whole family oh oh god like you killed the grandmother raped all my daughters killed my son and then you hopped in and then they're rowing away so it's not that fast you don't watch i'm like fuck you you motherfuckers for like five minutes what what'd you say it's not that fast. You don't watch. I'm like, fuck you, you motherfuckers, for like five minutes. Like what?

What did you say? It's like nothing. The paddles start coming back. Nothing. I was kidding. I was kidding. You have that younger brother attitude of like, I was just kidding. Yeah, that's absolutely horrible.

I was thinking about that the other day of like back then, like you'd hit 45 or 50. I mean 40 really. You would just be so physically tired from all day, every day of, like, dragging fucking long logs through the mud and, like, fighting off Vikings. At 40 years old, you'd be ready to die just out of physical exhaustion. Where you're just like, I'm ready. I'm fully ready to go.

You'd be on your, like, bed of straw and hay just like the oldest Sunday. Just light it. Just light it. Light it on fire. I i'm done i'm fucking done like it's gonna hurt it's like it's it can't hurt i bet fire existence was so hard for them that like getting set on fire was probably like it hurt yeah but not like not like every day did true you know i mean no i'm saying their pain tolerance like if you got caught trust me getting caught on fire any time in history wasn't great yeah sucked but the joke i

was trying to make was they could have handled it no they probably handle suffering pretty well big time dude and it would also be like how'd he die lit him on fire they're like oh yeah that's a bitch not like what the fuck they lit him on fucking fire they're like yeah now that's like getting cancer now they're like oh did he fight hard it's like yeah we lit him on fire so he's dead ah my uncle the guy just got fucking lit on fire we'll see how he does i know he's still on yeah i love the for some reason i think it's so funny that set on fire was like a way a lot of people have died in history oh for sure like you know you're you're born you go through your whole life and then at the very end you just get caught on fire or back when they started courts and they're like what did you do like yeah i lit their whole family on fire like what happened i

fucking stole my sheep you're like all right we gotta come up with some laws about this we're not sure how this works yeah just well now we should set you on fire yeah what what the fuck and i got my sheep stolen and fire this doesn't seem right there was uh that i think i talked about this where they were uh fucking it was the guy milton who wrote paradise. He got real into this English, I think it was the 1600s. There was this political movement where they're like, oh, and we're the political party where we can be head kings if they fuck up. And I think he lived through a bloody, disgusting revolution

and was like, that was a really bad idea. I don't think we should have done that at all. And he wrote Paradise Lost. Well, where was Paradise Lost? I wonder if that was by the i don't know anything about paradise lost i wonder if that was by the french revolution i think i think he was an english bro yeah but if he would have been alive for now yeah i think he was catching some of that heat he was like yo the french no no no He was like 200 years before. Okay, so he was definitely...

So he was like an OG Kingslayer. Yeah, 16th century. I don't know what the fuck was going on then. That was when we were coming over here. Yeah. Boys started making their ways over here. I think that was around the time when people were like, is the king really God?

And they're like, yeah, dude, you fucking... What'd you say? What'd you fucking say dude i'll fucking let your i don't let your whole family on fire dude that was so funny i don't know man we're sitting here being like i don't know you know we don't know how many chronic people are like i don't know if the king's god they're like yo dude shut the fuck what the fuck did you say i like that that's funny not not this just fucking what did you fucking today i did this to my dog today. He was like, dude, get away from my dinner.

I just went instinctively. Yeah, you hit him with the Phil Gillis. Phil Gillis, and it's also my friend Bert's dad was his coach at Summer League. And Bert would talk shit from the bench. He would go over and be like this to him. In front of the whole Summer League. Spectators and other team, he would go over and be like like this to in front of the whole summer league like spectators another team here go like this i'll punch my kid in the face on the bench it was just so ingrained as a reflex and like as a communication i'm just like

like that's so funny i'm talking but don't ignore this fucking i'm giving you a command this is is an ultimatum. This is a threat. You see this? This rains down on you if you don't acknowledge what I'm saying. I mean, you got to break. I want to go to a workplace and just break. Yeah, it's the best. What?

I'm going on break. Breaks are supposed to be 10 minutes. Get back. Keep it a fist ball. And every time you do, it's so fucking funny. Is it a meeting? Just,

just talking to people. And that's something we got to do this quarter. We got to work on that. Stocks down. Oh, fuck. You're so ready to fucking punch it. All right. Fuck.

Yes. All right. Let's end it. Let's end it Get the fuck out of here Yeah we'll hit a page Sometime later Yeah we'll get it

Alright brother God bless dude God bless you Go watch Grant I will Fuck I'm off This is still recording

Oh shit my bad Just hawked a loogie in my mouth