Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 300-Emergency Teenis

Episode Date: June 10, 2020

First day in the new studio with full video. There was a wee bit of construction above us as well. And the audio got weird from 1:42-1:58. Other than that though it was great! Really good stuff, guys. So check it out. We talk about Native American gauntlets, defunding the police, and a lot of other stuff.  Watch the video here: https://youtu.be/i1vKYQkNybo

wow we're fucking up we're up we're in this dude we basically defeated coronavirus we did no problem coronavirus was uh it was soft but we were just admiring this is the new studio as you can see here uh matt placed a pirate map treasure map treasure map yeah for pirates it's a treasure map specifically designed for pirates yeah back in the day pirates when they would do like treasure maps they would draw like pirate stuff on them pirate ships yeah we should put a ship so you'll know this is actual pirate treasure yeah i like it yeah threw it up i mean dude the cut we can always customize i was like this thing looks i bought it this will be hilarious that's a bad idea if you're if you're like interior doing interior design you've never done interior design like what looks what's the funny what looks funny

these gamer chairs are pretty cool and sounded like a funny bit but now we have gamer chairs and people are like why the fuck would you guys do that it was funny we're the interior designers like dude gamer chair i mean honestly gamer chairs are the funniest type of chairs are the funniest chairs i mean without a doubt come on dude i can fully damn you get some head i mean dude i could be gaming and be like fuck dude i gotta get up in three hours let's go you like that i gotta bring this uh it brings us to our producer. Lamar Lee in the back, dude. What up? God damn it.

I got to be at AutoZone in two hours. Fuck. Is the wrong store to pick? Gamers don't work at AutoZone? In their videos and shit. Yeah. They got the zone. They got the zone he could he could

they got the zone I wanted someone to put that music to that video of the alleged cop breaking the windows they're like get in the zone

get in the zone the slogan should be like stop are you a police officer yeah man so uh ain't no thing dude ain't no big deal

shit's still gay current events we're covering those true we can we can uh gladly report that shit is still gay yeah um i'll say about it's about in terms of like humidity it's about 85 yeah it is lessening yeah it's gone down um but we had a gay snap in there real quick now there was a gay front that came through the gay front was strong and now it's still like it's hitting like uh saw this video of i saw this image of nancy pelosi like kneeling with a bunch of people yeah all wearing like not dashikis but like the african like like a preacher's uh you know the thing a priest wears around his neck yeah like that and like africa like a shawl yeah like an african texture yeah

i got what you're saying fabric kneeling with you have any you have dashikis i have several dashikis i have one i do i don't have it someone went on a vacation and bought me a dashiki so i have one you have a dashiki i have one in my closet damn you should do like you know when white ladies because you're about to have a wedding with a african-american woman yeah you should you should do like you ever see like white ladies who marry an indian guy and have like my sister married an egyptian and had like an egyptian wedding sure where she had to dress like you should wear a dashiki for the way i might i might i might i might do like anwan shorts long cut anwans dude oh man i think and ones have been uh relegated like there's a definitely a fashion ecosystem and i think it's like the fashion eventually filters down to definitely

like fat white dudes with fat legs that's who wears and one shorts and one shorts are yeah it all trickles down to just dudes who do heroin it's just dudes in heroin and one think of all their nicknames sleepy oh shit sleepy's got it and wawa like south pole gear it's just heroin at everything filters down to heroin addicts it was it anichi nyc yeah i don't know how you pronounce it yeah i just call it ants but i think it's anishi i think you're right maybe that's totally trickled down so basically yeah it does go from like black culture whatever's fashionable a decade later white drug users will be wearing it and they'll be sleeping in it like this is good it's extra fabric true those guys are probably like fashioning tents

out of it true man like a first down bubble jacket dude that's fucking perfect for sleeping in kensington yeah that's i think that's actually how like i could be wrong i think denim started as a tent really lemare you're fired i know i know this isn't the climate for us to be firing our only minority partner, but you're fucking fired, dude. Yeah, I could be wrong about that, but I think denim started as a tent fabric and then like miners just started wearing them as pants because they were durable. That's also not a very breathable fabric. You're in a denim. Do you ever wake up in a tent? Yes.

It's fucking hot. It sucks. The tarp. It always sucks. I've never not had a shitty experience waking up in a tent yes it's fucking hot it sucks the tarp it always sucks i've never not had a shitty experience waking up in a tent yeah man if you woke up in a tent you would just have a nut sweat on your forehead and a jean tent yeah just non-stop just your whole body would be crotch sweat yeah well their lives did suck so i mean you just wake up all sweated out and you're just like all right i got a shower last night i worked out last night and did like a no soap shower i call them rinse offs yeah i was

like running real quick just do it dude i like just rinse you ever rinse off you get real sweaty and rinse off with no soap and it's like you're basically gladiator i like just rinsed off of water and i'm like this is how i used to do it dude you were just going to a river like you had like an important date you'd be outside just like like eating bugs and doing shit and you just would like put water on you and be like dude i'm fresh as fuck right now yeah you'd be like you know digging in the dirt munching some bugs if you're farming back in the day your crop's not going you're like digging you're definitely munching bugs as you're going like there's been a lot of bug munching that's flown under the radar yeah if you're like a if you're like a 17th century farmer and you're sitting there and you're digging your potato crop kind of sucks you're gonna you're

i wonder if munching bugs was like you know how like today like i'll toss a booger in there every once in a while munching a book every once we get rid of it true you gotta get rid of it toss it in maybe launch it yeah but if it's one of the i treat boogers like i do if i get a packet i get drugs if i'm getting pulled over i'll consume it if someone's one of the i treat boogers like i do if i get a packet i get drugs if i'm getting pulled over i'll consume it if someone's what are you doing i'm like nothing i bet that's how bug eating was back in the day you sneak people like everybody kind of did it yeah it was very shameful to admit that like every once while you had you pretended to not have one in your fingernail like you think people were out here Hakuna Matata?

Just like, dude, this is what we eat. Breaking open a log? Yeah. Dude, I've been strong into that. You're talking a good time period for me. The whole way out here, I was listening to that book again. What's the book? The book is, oh yeah, a lot of people were asking.

It's called War on the Run. It's about Robert Rogers. But it's also about just life pre-revolution in america and like native americans and shit and i have been harsh on the natives the last couple episodes that's what happens when you report on something before you finish a book true like i read one chapter that was just like this is what the indians used to do and then the next chapter was like they did have some good things but i only got the bad part welcome to my world and immediately reported on it and i was like they were called savages for a reason and then uh but no they had some dude hilarious this was making me laugh i knew you'd

like it uh these four white dudes got caught catching beavers their beaver pelts were like that was money back true yeah that was because in in the colonies they didn't really have that much currency uh so i mean dudes would counterfeit like crazy it's really funny too there when there's like no money people like all right well forget about money what else we have like we all beaver fucking beavers are everywhere like all right well that's money now all right everything continue oddly enough the chapter was called uh well it was about how if you counterfeited back then it was a death penalty, which hasn't changed much. Wow, you address the nation? Anyway.

Excuse me. Pardon me. Well, it's actually policed by the Secret Society still. Or no, Secret Society. Secret Service. What's that? Counterfeiting? 40 and so on, my part.

Yeah, the counterfeiting, it's policed by the Secret Service. They're the ones following money the president's bodyguards or something they're also made they're also they protect they give their life for the bodyguard and they also have to make sure nobody's printing funny money that's the secret service's job they used to literally on bills say to counterfeit is death usually printed on bills like yeah you if you got caught counterfeiting you were fucked like they would brand you or kill you that's okay you brand yeah you get brand they used to get branded under their eyes like right here oh pretty sick just to make sure yeah check yeah just say uh

r for like rogue if you were like a vagabond or a piece of shit and then like m for murder like all that shit damn sucks to get an r for rogue when uh you know rapists sure what do they give people for rapists by r little a it's like the periodic table it's like r little a rapist r rogue but being a rogue is sick being a rogue is sick but back then it wasn't people hated them true if you didn't follow the rules you were just because in the colonies there were like no rules yeah so dudes would come from europe that were criminals there just all you had to do back then was call yourself a different name you could do it in a moment you'd be like i'm tom and then you go to another town yeah and just counterfeit money

there well it's also they'd have to brand you there was no there wasn't an internet back then yeah there's no databases that's what i'm saying they just have to do something they'd like cut your ear off yeah your personal horizon ended at your town and then a guy would come in and be like yo this is new money you're like they put new money out you're like new money bro yeah wanted or not and you're like give me that horse here's a bunch of new money you're like well i just ate a bug i can't turn down this new money and he's like why does it look different he's like don't do the counterfeiting back then the technology they what the fuck did they do it was drawing there were plates there were plates that they could so they stamped counterfeit yeah so they would get a money stamp yes and then be like just stamp shit they could

have made t-shirts back then they had no idea printing t-shirts they had like a print like a money dollar there's your shirt yeah that's true that's my t they could have just printed t's dude like yo you just want to wear a shirt with a dollar bill on it like yes that would have been tight there should be the clothes back then sucked yeah but uh so these four dudes were trespassing and collecting beaver pelts sure which dude beavers used to get beavers are huge are they yeah i didn't know that they get up to 90 pounds they're fucking big dogs dude beavers are 90 pounds can get up to 90 pounds at least back then i'm sure they've been killed enough now that they're a little you know sure a little skimpy little skimpy they're losing weight these are

like the dinosaur days for beavers beavers were 90 pounds these dudes and they would trick them as a sad way to kill them i don't know know. What do they do? So they put like a trap in the water and put like female pheromones on it. Yeah. And when the beaver like stood up at the top of the stick, there was a clamp or something that drug it under the water. How'd they get the female beaver pheromones? Do I even want to know? Yeah.

You cut them out of them and rub it on a stick. So you have to like, you'd have to like surgically remove, you'd have to cut their pussies open. Yeah, they'd be like, well, maybe that's how beaver came out. True. I think they took him for a spin. They're eating bugs, dude. You don't think they're taking beaver's puss for a spin? By the way, a man just got charged in Delaware for having sex with molesting ponies.

That is a tale as old as time. Did you hear that story? What happened? There's a Delaware man's i think he's 32 years old there was a full there was an investigation so people are coming back and seeing the ponies like ankles would be kind of raw they're like what the hell what's wrong with my pony and this guy was going in the barns and strapping the pony he would like strap their legs down yeah you gotta get those back you have his way with him yeah you don't want to get kicked yeah so he would he was i think i don't know what he was i don't know if he was they said molesting them so i don't know if he was penetrating these ponies i think he was

just like oral maybe i don't know a guy yeah that used that was like my first joke what guy in pennsylvania was eating horse pussy he got caught was he and all i i was like all you have to do is stand up and you're innocent like if you get caught eating pussy, like somebody has and you just stand up real quick. What psycho is going to be like, you eat the pussy? You just eat that horse's pussy. Boom. Comedy. Harrisburg Comedy Zone explodes every single time.

That was in Perry County. They're like, oh, it's topical, too. Yeah. They're probably called my cousin. He was supposed to the other day. He's been eating horse pussy. All right. Hold on.

Go ahead. So these four dudes get captured by these Indians. wasn't eating horse pussy the other day everybody's been eating all right hold on go ahead so these four dudes get captured by these indians the they take them and they make them run the gauntlet so that was one thing they would do when they would capture prisoners a lot of these tribes would make you run a gauntlet like right away so the whole town would come to the bank of this river with these two dudes they captured on canoes yeah and uh one of them by the way stark uh in the revolutionary war would come up with the term live free or die pretty sick yeah he was that i mean this is this is how small a world this was back then oh yeah true shout out uh well mary you missed it god damn it dude you're fired uh what are you how did you would you doze off huh he's not paying attention he's paying attention

you couldn't know i was doing a physical he doesn't know my comedy's verbal and physical dude physical comedy dude welcome welcome uh so they did the whole town what's the gauntlet gauntlet is where the townspeople mostly young men line up two rows and make you run the gauntlet oh they're making they hit you with sticks and fuck with you the whole way i know i thought they were when so you get caught by the indians they'd make you do yeah the indians would make you run the gauntlet do we have a gauntlet as a prisoner no i mean i'm waiting but they're like the fucking good guys did the good guys have the settlers have a fucking gauntlet no i think they probably just killed you executed

indians i'm sure so you had to run through yeah they handed you a stick that you had to hold so you couldn't like block yeah like hold a stick and run through a gauntlet and they would all just hit you now they tried not to hurt you they try not to kill you i mean they want to they just want to hurt you they want to fuck you up uh but the indian who captured them who was the chief of this tribe, told them some things to say. Yeah. In their language that would like make it easier on them, which actually translated to like, I could fuck up everybody in here. Hilarious.

So the first guy ran through, the first guy ran through, it was like, Tahini Gaba Hapap Tegidio. Like he just screamed. He talked shit. He had no idea. And they're just fucking cradling the crossbow. It's like, what did you do? The second guy came through and his, his his chant was i could fuck all the women here

like while he's running and then he started getting hit hard enough that he started fighting the gauntlet he dropped the stick and just started swinging and they let him go they were like all right hilarious we're not gonna hit him anymore he's also probably crying me like i could fuck all the girls in here please please let me fuck anybody here please let me fuck all the girls in here, please. Please. Please let me fuck anybody here. Please let me fuck all the girls in here, please, for the love of God. So I was wrong on that part. The Indians were funny. That's fucking hilarious.

Obviously, that guy in the canoe was like, here's, I'll hook you up. This is going to make things a lot easier. Just yell, I'm going to fuck all the women in here. Hilarious. I mean, that holds up today, that joke. That's a good bit. That's pretty good. That's a good bit by that Algonquin. Oh, that's that's i mean that holds up today that joke that's a good bit it's pretty good that's a good bit by that algonquin oh that's pretty fucking funny how fun would it be to have a gauntlet too that's the thing like we did it in high school i know everything's now it rules yeah

this is this is what people do yeah it's an instinctive thing to make people run through a gauntlet and just fuck them up slap them the whole way uh but yeah then you know then they they did get a little mean yeah after that so some of these tribes would have like you go cabin to cabin when you're getting indoctrinated basically as tortured like into the into being a prisoner you get hazed yeah it hazed into it which is like you go to this cabin somebody will pluck a fingernail out you go to the next cabin someone will bite your finger off someone will just gnaw your finger off one of the cabins was just one of the women just beat the shit out of you you couldn't hit back she just beat you as hard as she could the whole time really dude it was did they cut your finger off yet eventually yeah this is usually

and then there's some cabins where it's just little kids and they stab you a little just just light stabbing man and then uh uh eventually i think they a lot of them would scalp you and then pour boiling water on where they just scalped you which uh it's hot too it's fresh off the fire yeah and then just make you roll in like thorn bushes they're just doing like really mean shit to people uh so you had to go get the aggro crap this is a global gut oh this was you got crushed you got fucking crushed but the indians a lot of these tribes so that's another thing that it is annoying obviously i've said it a thousand times when people talk about indians in america they're always like the indians like it's one group these are just you know some northeastern woodland tribes i'm talking about here exactly obviously it

fluctuates but uh read up if you don't know about them some of the you know, some Northeastern woodland traps I'm talking about here. Exactly. Obviously it fluctuates, but read up if you don't know about them. Some of the, you know, they also, uh, they all like loved being able to take pain. That was like their big fucking thing. Like if you, like if, if, if your mom cried while giving birth to you, everybody in the tribe was like, you're a fucking pig. Really? That stayed with you. everybody in the tribe was like, you're a fucking fag.

Really? That stayed with you. So even moms had to be like tough as fuck the whole time. Like wild shit. So it's possible. It's possible for a woman to give birth, not even just like. Even just kind of like, have they complained? Not allowed to complain, dude. Crazy.

So it's possible. The tribes had some good ideas, dude. They had basically a quitch policy to women. Like knock off, knock off the like knock off knock off bitching dude or your kid's gay so it is possible to you know maybe you know it doesn't you know it's a fucking harp on it forever oh go on sorry please um totally unrelated also one one that made me laugh was one of these indians like recorded how british people acted when they got hurt, which was wah, wah. Like, that's literally all. Like, when we scalp them, they just go wah, wah. Me hair, me hair.

Oh, you got me hair then. Oh, no. So that's where the powdered wigs came from. They would go to scalp you, the powdered wing would slide off, and you'd just be like, pop off. I wonder if powdered wigs were treated like black ladies' weaves. Were they getting a fight? If you touch them.

They would get two guys to get a fight in the Senate. There would just be like pieces of powdered wig everywhere. Anyway, so that was. That was funny. It's been fun stuff reading up on that. So the gauntlet though. So at the end, after a guy bit your finger off. I mean.

A woman dominatrix you and then a little kid fucking needled you. What would happen? It would just be like oh like a roller coaster like here's here's our impression of you being a pussy about this pretty much but there was also examples of dudes getting tortured and like laughing and making fun of the indians at which point a lot of the indians would kind of like let them live like you roll like yo you're tough or another thing they would adopt they adopted a lot because a lot of these tribes were like sustenance farming and shit like that, where they didn't have a lot of manpower, especially at this point with the colonists there.

So they would just take dudes in. Yeah. You're one of us now. But your finger off first. You're going to bite your finger off and be like, all right, you can stay. There was one guy that one guy got adopted and was like literally from that. Oh, dude, you got adopted by a dude slowly just because he obviously couldn't speak the fucking language so he sat down and an old dude in the cabin started plucking his

hair out like he was he likened it to like a bird like a turkey like just ripping the feathers out this dude started ripping all his hair out and left a patch in the front and he didn't you know he didn't realize at the time but he was giving him their haircut that's how they cut hair barbershop in the tribe was rough dude so he gave him the number four on the wall He didn't realize it at the time, but he was giving him their haircut. That's how they cut hair. Barbershop in the tribe was rough, dude. So he gave him the number four on the wall. He just ripped it straight out. Just an old dude ripping your hair out. And then the chief came in.

It was like, you're one of us now. And he was like, literally from that day, no one in that tribe treated me remotely different. All it took was the chief being like, he's one of us. And everyone was like, sup? Sup, bro? also too it's like you know i was trying to be like well could i be friends with people who bit my finger off and had their wife beat me up and yelled at me it's like imagine the app you know where they're like all right dude we're gonna let you loose now my other options to live in the woods yeah first just doing that alone without people who are gonna bite my finger off and imprison me yeah just if there's anybody they could be so mean to me and they know but you're still part of the thing i'd be like thank you

just thanks for not letting me starve to death next to a one guy uh one guy got adopted and he they they he was like a slave and he was doing like farm work and eventually he like threw his hoe into the river and was like this is for women and all the indians were like sick this guy's awesome let him free so the indians didn't have cool fucking codes you know he risked his life to be like this is chick work this is girl they were like you're right that's chick work dude go home uh you passed the test yeah and also they would be sick of the last samurai the final test and be like this is fucking gay and they're like congratulations this is gay

you are free but they too many minds he's like everything's fucking gay everything's fucking gay and they're like yes he's learning

yes he's learning our ways that's fucking sick fucking girls yeah he threw his hoe into the river and they were all like this is good respect very good uh there had to have been white guys out there that bit other white guys fingers eventually you came home and started biting fingers no i'm

saying like like it's how you become tribe biting off is, that's like the third or fourth reference they've made to it. So Sebastian Younger left that out. Safe to say that some of the natives were munching fingers hard. For sure. Gnawing your finger off. Just an old gotcha. Just like, let me see your finger. Close your eyes.

Bite your finger off. Like, ah. Gotcha. Gotcha finger. Oh man. No, I'm saying saying i wondered if any settlers joy because a lot of those dudes stayed with the with the tribes even people who ran away from settlements they stay with the tribe i wonder if there had to have been someone who

bit somebody like someone like john smith's third cousin definitely probably bit someone's finger off yeah i'm sure if you hang around that culture long enough you're gonna you're gonna nibble a finger well it's also funny too like if so like they have adopted like european dudes so you're just like running you're in the gauntlet all of a sudden you come to the next tent with a white dude in it you're like dude you gotta this shit's fucked up he's like me too uh but yeah then they also robert rogers who the book's about wrote down that he was like there's also literally zero uh wealth disparity like everybody is the exact like you you can't you're not allowed to do anything if your neighbor's poor can't you help them yeah which you know good quality uh i think it's easy to be that when you guys are all living in fucking tents, though.

Sure. You know? Yeah. It's pretty easy to be spreading the wealth when there's zero wealth. Yeah. Or it was also really physical back then, too. Like, you would be like, there wasn't like, you know, like bitcoins and fiat currency. It was like, you have six goats.

Some guy has two. And you're like, here, dude, have two fucking goats. Yeah. two fucking guys yeah or whatever it's like here bro have a fucking pelt yeah so they did have good good shit well i think they used to also do a thing where they would whoever had the most stuff would burn all their shit well it was they had they had little i forgot i don't forget who it was but they'd have a thing where like the dude at the top was ceremonially would just like get rid of all the shit that's like bill gates giving the charity true it's pretty much what we do yeah they would back then the native americans would uh give away like a large proceeding of all the stuff they had then secretly develop a uh you know a little shot based on your genetics dude

nobody wants that shot by the way really a lot of people i talked to were like i'm not fucking one person is like i'll take my chances on that a lot of people are like they're gonna rush the uh vaccine i can't think of that word they're gonna rush a vaccine and they're they're saying it's not an inert form of the virus so it's not like the old you know they say when you give you a virus like it's like a it's it's dead it's kind of like half alive and you're like okay that makes sense it's not that they're like no no it's just like you know it's just like a genetic sequence that goes yeah your genome and i don't think i've ever once until obviously recently i don't think I've ever once, until obviously recently, I don't think I've ever once even asked what a vaccine was.

Yeah. I think I've always just, I don't even think I've ever gotten a flu shot. It's the good stuff. Here's the good stuff. You want to get sick? Literally, I'm just like, here, we have to give you three shots today. I'm like, fuck. All right.

Fuck. Never ask what it is. Ever. Yeah, man. Well, that's what Bill Gates was saying. Like, hey, man, look, we're not. This is just genetic stuff. Don't worry about the weak. It's not a weak.

Good genetics. It's not a virus you put through the gauntlet. This is fucking just gauntlets tight. We need to break. Oh, we need to bring the gauntlet back big time, dude. Well, dude, how about we might we might have the gauntlet. There's a Minnesota's going. They're defunding their police entirely. entirely that fucking governor or the mayor of minneapolis

could there be a bigger fucking dork for defunding the whole police no just him in general i didn't see him oh yeah i saw the guy he yeah i don't know maybe he's a good person i haven't seen too much about him but i did see him in front of like a black in front of a protest they were like yes or no are you going to defund the police and he was like no they booed him and he had to walk out well he did he did it now and then now he's like oh i thought about it and you guys were right so i'm actually doing it it's also funny too because it's like you know he's the mayor so he's there to represent everyone they're like like what's what are you guys going for like we want to defund the police and he's like fuck yeah uh but dude apparently so i thought because that's

the thing too a lot of these issues get filtered through like you know which news channel do you watch at first i read it and i was like we can't get rid of the police we need the police every time i get pulled over by i'm like fuck get these guys the fuck out of here like so i'm all the way filtering it through like all like i'm doing my thing of yeah, the people I hated at my school are winning somehow. And I was like, wait a second. So I read the whole thing and I'm like, it might not be a bad idea to have.

Like what they're saying is try to do it where like you would have a local, everything's dealt with locally. So of course there's ways that can go off track. So, so, so fucking hard. It's like, if you need an example,

look at the rest of the world, but it's like, yeah. Also, if you know, if there there's like these was there saying like the police have to go and take care of these like weird they're aggressively pursuing like minor violations where they're like hey there's a law that says you can't stand right there and like i don't know i want to stand right here fuck you dude and then you're fighting over this weird violation where it's like if that was people who live there it's like the older dudes who live there were able to be like and women excuse me or living there could just be like

hey like everybody and others excuse me and everything the uh others probably not the right word that's not very inclusive others no it's other it's thems thems thems they're fucking them if thems they just want to be there no but it's um if instead of a guy just being like you can't stand this spot move and it's like fuck you fuck you's um if instead of a guy just being like you can't stand this spot move and it's like fuck you fuck you now you're arrested just a guy you know being like yo man get the fuck out of here you're bombing that lady so i don't know maybe it would work but wait who's the other guy they would hire people within the community would be it would be in community intra-community policing all right so again highly again people were like this is a good idea it's like

check out just do me a favor and check out the rest of the world first because this can be easily corruptible dude yeah well are you saying that's getting picked up a little oh no that guy or are you just nodding i'm nodding in the green defunding the police might get corrupted a little no no no no yeah that's what I mean I'm saying the vigilante squads that people are going to hire it would be maybe those vigilantes

could get out of hand at some point oh for sure and this is the argument with the well anything's going to get corrupted for sure I know this is like fucking retarded we should just pause are these hammers picking up uh well now they're not no i can't i can't really hear them okay perfect i i was actually i don't know if you noticed i was strategically spiking my voice yeah you're fired up i was well this is the uh so here's the um i was again i'm initially against it but then they're like it won't it's

not just like because i thought it was just like no more cops but it would be you would slowly be like start replacing people who are going into like places that are like so bombed out and poor with guys just being like what are you smoking fucking weed bad and like fucking pile driving you with like people going through and being like everybody here cool and then you know saving that task force for like serious shit rather than dudes walking because that's the other thing too it's like no one thinks about like cops don't just roll around all day and like hit people and leave it's like when like some dude some like 60 year old dude who's been living by himself for 30 years like dies from like diabetes they're also the guys have to go like lift dead bodies out and like fucking

yeah throw them out so it's like you know who wants to do that are you signing up for that as well yeah i wonder if you know the vigilante squads are gonna or the it's not vigilante what do we call them it would be so everything the police's work would be this is where it does make sense you would look at the job of policing a community and it's like we still have the idea that like you have to roll like you you must have like everything's dealt with with the force of the police where you could try it with like we still have the idea that like you have to roll like you you must have like everything's dealt with with the force of the police where you could try it with like three or four ways first then those don't work and then it's like you have a cop roll up to a guy like a 302 there's a crazy dude and there could be people like social workers not tootin my own horn but you

could have people who go out and like hey who are like like you're trained in like calming people down rather than being like shut up you crazy motherfucker shut the fuck up yeah yeah a lot of cops just lack the sophistication wasn't there one of those uh wasn't there like a severely autistic dude that got shot by cops like with the social worker there that's also i could be wrong well there was the guy timba timothy timba i remember seeing it where they were like in the street getting shot the social worker was like no no no yeah and then she's retarded too kill that bitch both these retards are a threat put them down oh that's the problem it's like dude it's i automatically reacted to it like what are we just gonna have fucking cops at all but it's if you read it it's like no that's not the issue but then again we'll see dude we'll see

what happens i mean i don't know i was just laughing thinking about like yeah it'll be just you know neighborhood watch and then like you know like, yeah, it'll be just, you know, neighborhood watch. And then like, you know, five years from now, they'll be like, we should, we should get a place to work from.

So, all right, we've got a neighborhood watch station. Maybe we should get them uniforms. All right. Yeah. A neighborhood watch. We'd get them cars.

Well, we'll buy them a tank. I think that's, oh, fuck. We got the cops. I think that's the best we can do though, is just reset every, like so many years. I'm like, yeah, here's the best we can do though is just reset every like so many years and like yeah here's the new move and then we just reset and

everyone's this is cool and slowly we just get fucking corrupted that's that's kind of the you know it's kind of the raw deal in all of its full and sinister glory dude yeah that eventually everything does get corrupted so you just got to keep hitting reset yeah well eventually any position where people have a say or a power they just attract fucking sociopaths like fucking like flies and eventually they're really good at getting into power so then they eventually get into power and they're like i mean it's lion king bro that's why you got to be fucking not mufasa who's the other one simba my bad simba dude there's always there's always scar dude flowing in oh for one oh for one on your chime ins lamar is your mic on

no if it's not on why are you talking no i'm joking man i'm joking but mayor please clip up just that thing right before we were talking to you um but yeah that i that'll be interesting because again i was like thinking about it i'm like that might be pretty fucking because then it boils down to like so you know i think weed should be legal the reason weed's not illegal is it's not legal is because there's these dudes who drive around in golf shirts on pacific blue bicycles and they'll be like you smoking fucking weed it's happened to me countless fucking times yeah like you're smoking fucking they get all jacked up on you and you're like what the fuck man like 70 of the country agrees it should be legal get your fucking huffy and your fucking

mailman shorts out of here what did you see the herd of bike cops uh yeah i saw one clip it was pretty great it's crazy line of bike cops versus the riders yeah they're protesters and uh the bike cops were like oh they were like spartans with their fucking huffies like they pushed it against all the dorks it was great get out of here they started spraying and hit people with bikes well that's the thing bike cops work uh constantly because they're they're like anything when anything pops off they mobilize bike cops as a whole not every cop gets to be pacific blue that's like it's also by the way one of our friends lost one of our friends fucking got uh like bike thieves but it was

bike thieves while a guy on a bike like an thief, dude, biked up next to him, cut him off and was like, give me your. He's like, let me see that bike. He's like, let me ride your bike. And our friend was like, nah, man. He's like, give me your fuck. Basically, basically, he's like, give me your fucking bike. And I guess like an old horse thief rode. Oh, no, he actually is funny.

He had the rental like the city bike. He rode on the side of it. No, he fucking in the midst of all the chaos he he went and i guess jacked our buddy of his bike yeah but he had he rented a bike like one of the blue city bikes this was a rogue he ditched yeah he had a rogue he got him he ditched the fucking uh city bike hopped on his nicer bike but it's like you had to rent a city bike through a credit card so i was telling our buddy i'm like why didn't you just grab the city bike and try to figure out what credit card that was on but then it's like what are you going to solve the case of the dude who stole your bike in broad daylight like clearly he doesn't give a fuck about credit cards yeah probably wasn't or whose credit card he used yeah he was like stealing the bike he's like fuck

my credit score might fucking drop shit i didn't think about this it's a good maneuver though an old stealing bikes old bike thief dude broad day yeah dude there was a case of that when i was in uh key west by the bike thieves come through everybody down there has cool bikes true it's like something the culture in key west does yeah they get like tricycles like those yeah uh what are those called yeah hi uh baby boy i call them baby boys you're low riders it's something excuse me anyway um when they put the high handles on bike thieves come through they they come down from miami and steal all the poor folks bikes do they chop them off the lock or do they like actively pirate their bike pirate the

bike straight on is fucking nice but no they don't they well this the only thing that i mean in terms of my critique on this guy's maneuver the best thing would be to be ride a bike parallel to somebody and jump off your bike onto theirs yeah and if you can break that thing if you can break that in it's yours dude right off that is pretty tight if you if you we should that should be a new bike law when we have new police that like if you see a bike better than yours if you can jump off yours or theirs you can board it like a fucking like a turtle shell like a hermit crab just fucking hop off yours then if you get on there if you can fight them while on their bicycle and remove them that should be your bike at that point yeah it seems back to the police thing about

them like enforcing shit like you're not allowed to stand there at this time like shit like that seems like that should be a law change versus who's enforcing a change slightly yeah but this is this is a problem though the reason people complain there's the residents themselves being like i don't want a bunch of kids standing outside my house making a bunch of noise and shit so that's that's the thing so it's like if that you know knowing that's the case if some dude from your community is like yo you guys are bothering mrs what's her name get the fuck out of here rather than some dude being like what's up guys i'm gonna need you to get the fuck in it gets like it's just maybe maybe that's tough then that guy whoever the uh town townsman was that came over and told them to leave now he's got fucking six kids who know exactly who he is

and where he lives i mean it's yeah it's true there's some problems with enforcing laws locally like that no don't get me wrong i hear the positives possible positives again i'm not sold there's positive. I'm just like, and the whole reason, obviously, I'm selfish. All I'm thinking about is like, you're telling me there won't be guys like being weird about people smoking weed anymore? That's my whole, that's my dog in the race, dude. I'm just kind of like, wait, can I smoke weed outside now? Yeah.

Which you kind of can now, but still. I watched a high speed chase for like a half hour yesterday. It's fucking great. I guess they just do that in LA a lot, but still. I watched a high-speed chase for like a half hour yesterday. It's fucking great. I guess they just do that in LA a lot, like California. Oh, yeah. You can just watch high-speed chases. Keep an eye out for them on Twitter. Where?

Watched one yesterday. It was in California. This dude, dude, his tires, both his front tires blew off. He was riding on the wheels for like 20 minutes, going 70. And then finally they like exploded and he had to he had to pull over it was a lad i think he's a cowboy hat on what took a dodge durango on the run for speeding i think he was probably if i had to assume illegal you think so for trying to run like that i'll tell you what speeding if you're illegal in a country that's a good way to go out a high

speed chase it's like let me just what the fuck do i have to this guy's about to boot me anyway let me just fucking see what i got yeah i'm gonna see if i can get out of here he was headed back towards mexico i think was he yeah he's headed that way but he's headed mexico way he was headed back down all right you got me you got me i'm going back i'm going back to base i'm free i'm gonna leave i'm just gonna leave it's not a big deal but no his wheels exploded but it was hilarious the uh the news guy in the chopper was literally he was talking like he had seen this every single day of his life it was just like oh this is a pretty good one we got going here hopefully uh anyway what's going on he was just like talking while this guy was running for his

life oh it's very uncomfortable and then again the guy's wheels blew off and he was like this is the news guy was like this is pretty much It was very uncomfortable. And then, again, the guy's wheels blew off, and he was like, this is, and the news guy was like, this is pretty much like a Dodge Durango commercial at this point. This thing's still going. This is incredible. Yeah. But then, yeah, it had a peaceful conclusion, which I was hoping they had the canines, dude.

Part of me wanted to see that canine jump in that passenger side window. Get them. Get nuts. But now, I assume Ladd, based on the cowboy hat. True. Could have been a honk, but the lad got out perfectly. Complied with everything. Hands on the head, walked backwards.

He was having trouble with the language at first with the hands up or behind the head. Yeah. So that could have, he almost got probably shot for that. True. Especially with a big cowboy hat. Yeah. You're expecting the quick draw. Right out of the hat.

If someone's wearing a cowboy hat, you know they have fast hands. Probably he might have the fastest hands in the area at the time, dude. Probably. That's the best thing about when lads get fly. I've said it before, dude. It's cowboy gear, dude. It's the sickest gear possible. When lads get fly, there's nothing but cowboy gear.

I told you about the guy that used to work with me and my brother who came here and lamented the fact that American dudes are pussies and he thought he was going to to get here and we're all just like cowboys like fighting and shit. Oh, man. Came here. I thought you guys were like fucking rooting and tooting. You guys are. I came here. Just a bunch of like pussy ass fucking dudes just being like walking around.

Excuse me, man. He thought dudes are going to be like, get the fuck out of my way, dude. Yeah, he thought he thought it was a lot less. I thought it was going to be machismo central dude he was coming from mexico yeah damn imagine sitting in mexico and be like shit everybody here's too fucking soft yeah time for me to go somewhere tough like america i need to get up here it's just a dude like excuse me you pronounced my fucking girlfriend's name wrong yeah try to show someone like a hot picture on your metro pcs of a chick and they're like oh stop objectifying women please excuse me yeah i'll be like non-stop you'd be working i'd feel

my shoulder and he'd be like just be a hot chick on his cell phone they love him yeah man it's a hot chick that was it was unbelievable that was that was i think the biggest culture shock being in spain was them just getting memes and pictures on their phones. Just every night, every night at the bar, these dudes would be like, you're fucking. What do you think of that? That was the time the guy showed me him and his friend doing a Nazi salute. I was like, you know, you guys got some fascists in the bar and the bartender was like, no, no fascists. I was like, a guy just showed me a picture of him in front of a flaming swastika.

I was like, yeah, you want to see something cool? I was like, that's not that cool. That's wild. Damn, dude. He took a chance. He opened up. He did. He's like, well, I kind of like this guy.

And maybe we can bond. Maybe he can be a Nazi. Maybe he's a Nazi. That's a fucking. That's risky. That's like maybe someday society will be more accepting of fascists like that. But for now, that's like being a gay dude back in the day where you were like... True.

You want to hook up and then you just get fucking shot and beat up. He tapped your foot under the stall. Also, was there like a lot more people with him or he just like... There was two of them. There were two fascists. Fascistas. Was this before Tinder? Uh, yeah. He was like, holy fucking shit. He's just sitting there was two of them there were two fascists was this before tinder uh yeah it was like holy fucking shit he's just in there like he really was strike that from the record please strike that please strike that salute can you not even do that i didn't i put

the safety on my elbow was cocked a little bit you hit with the snake yes that's the non yeah once you straighten your arm you're fully committed that's the strike true i was showing him like yeah it's cocked up it's ready to go you're ready to unleash your full salute yeah it does suck i forget who was oh this was killing me my friend uh o'leary i was hanging out with o'leary at a bar in mccann's where we went out it's nice yeah nice to be back he was talking about how he heard it on another podcast so it's probably one of our friends i just didn't hear it but he was like uh trump's never laughed like you've never seen footage of trump like actually laughing like yeah just just like a quick smile laugh he goes like it's always like yeah it's always because he and then i was like dude it's because trump's autistic

i think so i don't think he's ever shown like real emotion or knows how to like think of it yeah you've definitely seen obama laughing he's definitely seen w laughing yeah i've seen all of them like having a human moment of laughing trump will trump can't i could be wrong i want to see but i genuinely don't remember seeing him laugh which makes me laugh a lot that's crazy yeah i'm trying to think he's always like he's like kanye with that like smile and then back to straight yeah i've seen kanye laugh a bunch of times though yeah i wonder because i've yeah i've definitely only ever seen he goes like this he goes like and he'll like do like a quick smile thing he does literally

that face he goes yeah he has a quick side smile and that's it possibly dude i don't think or it's probably just all part of the last it's probably all part of the plan which i know which does seem something like would be part of his plan like you can't let them see you laugh laughing is gay there's also people who probably haven't laughed in a very long time i mean there's people out there i don't think there's too many billionaires that haven't although trump i'd be i don't get me wrong if i was trump i probably wouldn't be having the time of my life right now yeah probably wouldn't be laughing too much i don't yeah i don't think you're laugh your way to a billion bucks that much though once you have it you probably laugh i don't know dude because like you would think once you had 500 million dollars

you'd laugh people laugh everybody literally every other president has been seen laughing i gotta verify it's weird to not see trump laughing van buren you gave me a good shot of van buren cracking up martin had tons of laughs dude they know his show name yeah i mean it's a solid theory but i'm like i'm wondering now there's got there's people i know and people are like i don't like music i'm always like what you just don't listen to it and they're like i don't really like it yeah there's got to be people who i i actually i know there's people for a fact who don't laugh trump we're just like trump and like a couple other it's not it's definitely pretty rare just to be like i used to know i knew a guy who would like when something funny happened

he would be like hilarious never laughed he just would state that it was hilarious. Yeah, that's. Trump might laugh. He might just be like a verbal laugher. Maybe like, it's so funny. Wow. Really funny. Wow.

That's really making me. Funny. It's making me feel some kind of way. Yeah, but even like go watch his roast. Go watch all that shit. Like if somebody makes fun of him, he's like. He like tries his best to laugh. But Mary, you remember when he was on WWF and he would like,

there's a gif of him being like, yeah, he like can't even fake. He can't even act at all. Like him trying to be like, all right, what do I do to be a bad guy right now? He's like, it's fucking crazy. It's crazy how I thought he killed it on WWF. He was great, great dude when he took out vince mcmahon oh he dove on with his thick ass in the air look i'm not guy look i don't want you guys to think i'm coming down on the president too hard because he you know i respect the office

shout out drew breeze was good player oh dude motherfucking drew breeze drew breeze you went down hard breezy d breezy baby he uh yeah he went down swinging no i don't i think your theory is valid dude it's not my theory i think a different podcast has covered this but it was recently brought to my attention that trump has never been filmed laughing which as soon as yeah i can't even imagine him laughing well i'll be curious i think someone's gonna hit you with some footage of that someone's gonna going to find the UFO sighting Trump laugh, dude. The Trump laugh is tough to come by. Even on, I remember him on Stern. He wasn't really like.

Yeah. Even when he was funny, he wouldn't laugh. Like he would do something funny and not laugh. Do you think he was always about to get his dick sucked? It's like anything he was doing, his dick sucked. He was getting his dick sucked right after. So he's just kind of always in a rush to get his dick sucked. Someone says a funny joke and he's like, I can see see the humor in that i'm getting my dick sucked in half

an hour true true there are things better than laughing i'm about to link up with f uh jeffrey right now before everyone knows what's going on yeah chill in the back yeah theory that's that's also true man no one's holding his feet to the fire for chilling with epstein bro they're like oh that's just so you chill that's because the the right seems to be leading the charge on the epstein stuff yeah but it's like if you knew again if you're he had to a fucking known any bill anyone who's in like the billionaire class knows that guy was having an underage sex ring yeah like even if you went you're like oh dude this isn't cool you think you'd be like bro and if they didn't why not you know i bet they they didn't, why not? You know what I mean? I bet they didn't. I bet billionaires that fuck 17 year olds is probably pretty prevalent to the point where it's like, well, I think they're busting Jeff. Shit.

Yeah. Like, I bet it was not even like. Yeah. What's the thing he has? It's like, oh, yeah, he has that. What's the thing this billionaire has? Oh, he has a closure of giraffes that we go shoot in the fucking head when we're at his house true like all this weird shit these yeah you know or like the sex rings of you know

17 year olds yeah well the marketable 17 year olds yeah sexually market now i think it does range from like what was that that age range epstein was working with i think that was like 14 i think he got a little low let me hit some third how low can you go he was yeah he was probably on the boat so and obviously too like if you're once you're in that like you know once you start selling coke someone's going to ask for some heroin so like if you're you know if you're the man getting 13 year olds bro hate to break it to you're also the guy getting six year old seven year olds or you know the dude who does how do you break into that

conversation like say you and me have a nice healthy 17-year-old ring sure sure just a red blood american 17-year-old sex ring we're supporting young sex workers it's like do you break into that by being like yeah man thank i mean this there's nothing wrong with this this isn't pedophilia but like god isn't it weird when dudes like want to fuck like a like nine-year-old yeah that's weird right yeah that's kind of weird i don't know man i thought about it i don't know if it's that weird do you want to get some nine you want to be like my cousin does that he's yeah you gotta he's wild he's wild he's wild i tell him him, he got to fucking knock it off. Like, I like blondes, big tits.

He likes nine-year-olds. And, you know, he's crazy. Look. He's crazy. I can get him over here. You should meet him. He's crazy. Yeah, he's going to bring some over.

I'll tell him that. You want me to bring him? Yeah. I'll bring him. I'll bring him over here. I think they're, maybe they're like 12. Damn. Good Lord. What do you do with it?

I mean, dude, it they're like 12. Good Lord. What do you do with it? I mean, dude, it's also going on globally. Like there's definitely selling kids into sex slavery all over the world. So you're like, yeah, probably significantly more than anywhere. The U S is probably pretty good about it compared to,

well, dude, imagine you're, so you're, you're meeting the other leaders in parts of the world. So you're a billionaire in the United States. You're like, yeah,

we can't fuck kids here. We don't fuck kids here. It's wrong. Damn. Think how crazy the other billionaires must think that is. Yeah. Then you go to a billionaire in the united states you're like yeah we can't fuck kids here we don't fuck kids here it's wrong damn think how crazy the other billionaires must think that is yeah then you go to a billionaire in thailand just like wait what did you say like yeah we can't even fuck nine-year-olds it's like what don't judge me dude what well they're like i mean dude it's like i was talking to a guy today who was hipping me to some news that was like of like using sex slaves and once they're done physically chopping them up for parts and it's like I was talking to a guy today who was hipping me to some news that was like of like using

sex slaves. And once they're done physically chopping them up for parts and it's like selling, I guess, like their organs and shit. I didn't read the full thing, but it's like there's there's parts of the world where it's just like, oh, they look there's like, oh, we're for sure going to fuck this thing and then chop it up. Like what's after we're done fucking like a horse in the glue factory. It's like.

I'll chop it up. Yeah. You think when like a sex slave like breaks its leg like we gotta just put this thing down for sure for sure dude that's who ends up selling t-shirts that's who ends up they're like we gotta put this thing down next thing you know the sex slave is just selling like little glowy things at the fucking fourth of july they just put you out to sell fucking that's what they that's what t-shirts those glow sticks are made out of sex slaves? That's what the fluid is.

It's like- It's just they're like stem cells? Yeah. No, they probably like- That's what probably happens. You probably have to go work at like a carnival once you're like a sex slave that breaks your leg. Do you ever- Carnies always have like one arm or something.

Oh, they got mauled by something. Yeah, you're- Sticking it. Well, they stuck their hand in a fucking moving tilt whorl. You got fucking dinged by a tilt whorl one of those times. It must be tight when you're carny to show your scars. Be like, that's from the zipper. Tilt whorl.

Scrambler. Oh, wait. Took one of these. I got a metal plate in my hip from the fucking crazy. Well, that's probably as a carny. That's how you get pussy. Be like, I can put this on the scramble right now without a seatbelt. I got connections. And you ride it.'re like that is fun though that is cool for so we had uh

williams grove the speedway there used to be a amusement park there it's now listed as like a haunted amusement park it's just an abandoned amusement park across it but we used to go when we were kids like while it was still abandoned like the the fucking roller coaster was like the scariest roller coaster possible because the thing was falling the fucking part like the whole time but the ghost house the haunted house like you were supposed to sit in a chair and it would you know take you around but we would just get out oh and run around in the ghost house while the which was very dangerous because there were carts moving around flying around the levers and shit yeah being a carny being able to do that

24 7 would be sick also we used to clog the water slide you would do that no oh you would sit so there was literally zero regulation on this water slide obviously fucking williams grove so we'd send uh i was usually a wedge breaker she has the biggest yeah you know you're so free like four or five of my friends would go first and then all stop at a certain spot it's the funnest thing in the fucking world because you'd be going around these curves and you have no and then you'd go around one curve and you'd see like dead people just slamming and it was funny when you're when you're waiting for somebody because the water comes first like you're chilling and then all of a sudden there's like a slight wave you're like oh yeah how many wedges did you break

i mean we used to do it every summer oh countless wedges we do it all day it was the fun imagine working you're just like jesus because they signal each other when it's good and then there's probably just signal they're like fuck them send them yeah who cares they're annoying up here well dude i used to go down a thing i think i talked about it before called the alpine slide when we would go to it me and my my parents would bring us to somewhere in the Poconos where they do this like once a year where it was just a slide but made out of concrete. Yeah. And they gave you like a little like – what are those things called?

Like a devil scooter? Not devil sticks. It was like – there used to be these things you could sit on. Yeah. I know what you're talking about. It was a seat with wheels. So they give you a seat with wheels and you went down. They had like advanced easy and then you just sat on a seat with wheels and flew down like a concrete hill like everyone

you would fall off and like scrape your fucking most ridiculous i can't believe this it it can't still be there there's no way the uh yeah i think we've had this conversation before because then it brought me to that kid who got his head chopped off on that water slide pretty sick on a water slide yeah he was like one of the it was one of those water slides it's just a straight drop speed slide yeah like us like a fucking 200 foot 200 like a giant thing i don't know when you're getting lift yeah but i think he got too much lift and his head got caught on the fencing and uh his head ripped off and then his i think his parents were at the bottom. Yeah.

So it was just a pool of blood. Anyway. Just his head. Yeah, and then they had to sue. It was like the case of the Johnsons versus the death slide. You know what I mean? It had some suicide slide. Are you a pussy, 4,000?

Yeah. Versus the Meachums of kansas city also too is this like your honor the guy defending the water slide being like clearly they signed up saying this was the ultimate extreme experience and getting your cut head cut off is pretty extreme your honor i would say i'd rest my case look at think the judge has to be like, yes. It is the language. The language is accurate. This was extreme.

We did say, are you ready? Three, two. Oh, man, that sucks. Dude, I didn't tell you this. I've been battling my smoke detectors. That's a tough battle. I woke up. I got woken up. I resolve. For now, I resolve the issue. I got to buy gotta buy a new one you probably have a haunted house those things pick up ghosts

they must dude i woke up the one morning 5 a.m just full this thing in my room is screaming full setting off all the other ones you got a kid yeah dude so i'm like the fucking kid up dude exactly it's a whole dude there's like my dogs too dude it fucks my dogs up the most my dogs came up freaking out jackson will have like diarrhea whole family fell apart whole fat dude smoke alarm can take down your family unit i just reacted yeah the family's bugging dude i just reacted dude i just literally i'm positive the whole family is crushed by these smoke exactly i'm like britney cover her ears because i don't you know i don't know how loud this shit is so i like i run downstairs and before i even know what I'm doing, I'm upstairs. I have the ladder.

I hit myself in the knee with the ladder in the hallway. I'm running in the dark. I open the ladder. I take the smoke detector down. And I was fucking naked, dude. I was balls naked on this ladder, just disassembling the wire nuts. And then I look down. She has like, Brittany has her flashlight flashing on me.

It's a full emergency penis, dude. So it's like my penis in the midst of an emergency. And then like, I don't know if you ever put a flashlight to your pubes. They're just like horrible. There's like pube shadows on my pubes. Yeah, the shadow is huge. It's a giant shadow. So it accentuates your pubes.

But somehow your penis remains un- Dude. It is accentuated. Well, I also had put on my sneakers to ground me, so I didn't have... So I wasn't barefoot to metal. You were wearing sneakers? I'm working hot, bro. So you looked like a porn.

Like you were in a porn. You were wearing sneakers going out. Yeah, exactly. On a ladder. Bush. I was like a 19... How's that bush? It's pretty wicked right now.

Fuck, I forgot to trim my bush. Yeah, my bush is fucking heavy right now. Salt and pepper, by the way, too. So I have a salt and pep bush. Oh, you have gray pubes i got the george clooney bush damn yeah i got george i got the george clune emergency t-ness and i have my sneakers on and i'm on a ladder just being like cover her ears and i'm sitting there i'm more obviously i work hot because you go to the panel usually they don't label the smoke

detectors in a house because they don't want you turning off the smoke detectors so i'm like i didn't see which one it was so i like i have no other choice and i'm a little tester i'm working hot i'm just on on i'm like beeping the thing and i just have emergency t-ness on a ladder like five in the morning before i realized like it was like in that emergency state i was purely unaware of the fact that i had my t-ness going it's cool man you want to hog the fucking whole pirate map you know i gotta fucking find it i'm over here i'm over here trying to look good too with some of that i want to look at this pirate map dude we get a little bit of that over here dude salt lands are fucking heavy they suck even the small

ones heavy i was i was surprised how heavy the small one was as well yeah i'm gonna look cool and look good on camera with my pirate map dude you're giving me white bear map sucks dude we're gonna find out we have a u-line i'm down here by paris bay you're up in coral sea this was made in china by somebody who just figured out pirates oh this yeah this was uh paris bay yeah this was actually saying mayan ruins are at the bottom of this island yeah man remember them by buccaneer bay little bay yeah man the uh this was sent directly from china in the midst of the coronavirus epidemic i ordered it i was like can't wait for my pirate map thing i got a thing i got

a package that had all like the china sent over a bunch of smallpox smallpox blankets to the white man through the form of worthless trinkets that's how we're gonna be remembered the same way like you know when we sold shit to the indians we're like they they traded manhattan for like beads yeah it's gonna be us to be like we got like a couple drones and flat screen tvs tap out here like why the fuck did they want that yeah yeah i'm laughing too about our how like the internet's going to become the most like complex technology it's probably going to span through like different planets and shit yeah and it's just like we're going to be the most like complex technology. It's probably going to span through like different planets and shit. And then it's just like,

we're going to be the cave paintings on there. I'm just a guy being like, fag. Instead of like, instead of a, instead of a buffalo on the wall, it's just going to be like, fag.

Why do they do that? It's like, Oh, they just like to say fag all the time. It's funny. I wonder if they found cave paintings that were like that. Oh, they must've,

they just never reported them. That was just like, yeah, fucking, it was just them. It was just them. They just never reported them. That was just like, yeah, fucking. It was just them. It was just them. The other tribe gay for a while. No one knew who was doing it.

They just kept carving fag into the rocks and running away. I mean, it had to be no better than a fucking like port-a-potty saw in terms of like the content. Yeah. I mean, the thing is, is I think for the most part back then,

the, the, like nobody could do what those guys were doing, really. Yeah. When it came to painting stuff and carving shit into the rock. So it was, I think, a select few. Who could do it? I think.

Or we only found a few. Maybe there were. There had to be that. Now that I'm thinking about it, there had to be. Basically, every cave was the inside of it. Like a bathroom stall at a truck stop where it's just like, suck my dick, pussy. And then the next line's like, you have no dick, fag. and then the next line's like you have no dick fag the next line's like wouldn't you like to know like dude every oh man that's the conversations like the pen written into a poorly painted bathroom stall like a convo like

a back and forth yeah rules it's like call this number for a good time why are you giving your mom's number away fuck you retard you that's not my mom something like a month another guy i fucked both your moms it's like yeah it's pretty tight yeah it's good i mean the same it's that's dogs you know pissing on something and being like this is mine now yeah humans do that yeah we just do that with bathroom stalls swastika true this is my bathroom stall now i'm still getting on that guy i still can't get over the dude who was just like that's me it's like there's me at uh guasu falls oh the guy who's me there hit me with the me my boy behind a burning swastika burning swastika on the ground him saluting him throwing a nazi salute smiling and he was like he just like showed it to me like paused it was like it's also funny to be friendly about that.

Be like, a little bit about me. Love the Eagles. Do this. And also, I tell you I'm a Nazi. Yeah, dude. There was pretty active fascism in Spain. Which is funny to hear people say it now, here. Because I've literally never met a single outward Nazi.

I'm sure I've met a couple that were inner nazis maybe hiding it but i've never met one that was like yo check this out you think it's like almost like trans where there's guys who are like i can't wait to be a nazi it is well they just like they get home and they like slowly put on the fucking all like this stuff and like dress like hitler and like if only the world would accept me yeah. We used to make fun of my friend and said he had a Confederate flag in his room. Similar thing. Yeah. He'd be like, when you get home, you love that Confederate flag.

What'd he say? He said, I don't have a fucking Confederate flag. He took it down. Also, too, I mean, I'm sure it's like someone had seen him hang it up. So his dad was probably like, hey, you're a kid with little stars and bars. He's like, Dad, why'd you buy me a Confederate flag? Who am I? You fucking asshole.

We're making progress, though. Society. I got Phil to admit that some Confederate statues should... I was like, just put them in a battlefield where they belong. Yeah. He's like, they're tearing down statues. Who decides that? I'm like, well, you know, if you're a black person that lives in, like, New Orleans and

there's a Confederate general on every block. Yeah. It's like, you know, just move it to a museum or a state park my chapter ass he's like they died those men you're gonna tell me they died for and i was like finish that yeah he's like all right it wasn't the best cause but there was still and i was like all right so you don't shame they stood for something you don't keep fucking you think in germany they still have like oh here's himmler here's his statue i mean sure he did some bad yeah we're down at himmler square he was up to some bad things but i'll tell you what he was he died honorably true and at the end of the day he

you know he planned fought hard he was a good general he had a vision yeah yeah that is a so just put him look i'm not i'm not but what about like a like a big statue rescue you have them almost like a tiger park where you know you have people come check them out like yo you want to go see like the nazi statues and i'll check them out yeah i got them now that it is a slippery slope where it comes down to just like hey fucking jefferson had slaves take down all his shit all that stuff but it's not a bad start to be like, maybe Confederate generals. Well, yeah, I can't. Put them on the battlefield.

That's it. Well, what if they broke one of their thumbs while I toppled them? I guess you have to go. What if you had to go repair the, what's a good, like, what's a bad general? A bad one? Who's a nasty one?

Who's one whose statue, if you saw, dude, you would fucking British bulldog that thing right to the ground. I'd be like, yeah, that's a rough one. What's his name? It was uh he was the fucking confederate cavalry uh i think he started the clan kind of was he a stat you have a stash lamar jamie could you look that up obviously i know you don't fucking know i didn't ask a fucking Dragon Ball Z character. So there was a guy who was like basically... He was a confederate.

I think he was also considered very talented. In what? Calvary. I thought he was a good KKK-ing. He was pretty good, though. He was actually really good at beating the shit out of... At first, also, I mean, don't get me wrong. They always really had it out for the black people.

But they really fucking hated Catholics, too, at the time. Really? Just get me wrong they always really had it out for the black people but they really fucking hated catholics still at the time just saying you know we had a bad tube you don't hear us ball babying how would they how would they catch you they would see a dude in like an underarm tucked in like an underarm or t-shirt tucked in and like oh it's a fucking catholic catholic they'd get catholics yeah yeah something like that like drinking yeah well that's how talking about notre dame if somebody brought up notre dame football they'd be like string them up like why are you cheering for notre dame you're you don't even live did you go there it's like my family's catholic dude did you ever get into uh the cornbread mafia no so in kentucky there was this guy there was these guys they're catholic forest benjamin buford forrest oh general forest i remember i think i heard about that

forest gump in the movie was named after him general forest yeah so we should ban forest gump so technically yeah i could be wrong on this yeah i gotta continue looking this up no there's there's definitely a ton of southerners who are like it was definitely an act of like you know defiance and strength that i'm gonna name you after one of the best generals in that their civil war sure so forrest started that's what you were named after right the mayor the mayor robert e lee what's your middle name alan i thought it was gonna start with an a you named after alan iverson you named after Allen Iverson?

That's a joke. That's a joke. We're just goofing now. Were you named after Allen? Why'd you walk that back? Were you worried? I'm just kidding. Were you worried about the current climate?

No, I was just kidding. It was actually a meta joke. It was a kid about a kid. Joshin' about Joshin'. Joshin' about Joshin'. That's what it's all about. That's being a meta alt comic. I know.

Joshin' about Joshin'. I showed my... Or am I? Wow. There's the fucking... Yeah. Meanwhile, when we do it, they don't get it. What?

Me Josh? We Josh about like Joshin'. Yeah, true. Somehow that's lost on everyone. We're like, I don't like gay people. They're like somehow that's lost on everyone we're like i don't like gay people they're like that he's serious now it's like no we're making fun of it anyway no i showed my i showed my niece my niece is at the house so the house is my family's house is you're saying you're sitcomed up it's fucking chaos full sitcom

it is absolutely like the best sitcom ever there's we've got every race covered we are a sitcom family except there's no it's just fucking dude i've never like when everyone's in the same room it's just a fight the whole fucking time there's never peace what's the battle you guys are a melting pot dude people spaz constantly also to be fair but there's a lot of my sister you know just had cancer surgery and she's like recovering from that and she there's it's just you know and she's not allowed to smoke so there's that that's like she's like she's back door dealing try to get some jewel pods from people trying to smuggle some jewel pods for it because i felt bad some beaver pelts she does jewel pods have become beaver pelts phil phil found they yeah it's you found the pod yeah it was a disaster did

you claim vape you could have claimed i said i said i'm out i was i was you should have fell on that vape and died on i was secretly supplying her with some some jewels you really connect dude i was a plug did you up a little bit or do you how much you make do you tax him i was buying him for free for what she was still giving me but i was now granted nothing's for free i was holding it over her head obviously like if she gave me lip at all i'd be like you want me to tell everybody shut up shut up like it was one of those like like if she's if she i'd be like will you give me a drink this is my sister who's recovering from cancer i'd be sitting on a chair i'd be like i could use more water make her again no i never made i never made her do that but you power played it also that's like you were saying man that's

just the family dynamics but it's like how quick these little power plays can happen in terms of like you know that's a good that's a good model yeah like you get a little something over somebody and like you know it's just a human element yeah i'm never gonna not hold that over so like if she was like talking shit or like hey all right perfect example she's watching hgtv sure what show i was watching so dude they got me into it slightly i was watching a show called mountain mamas and there is a there's a blonde chick on there that does it for me now a lot of people are gonna look at that and i'll probably get called gay or something why I don't know

what's wrong with the mountain mama there's a blonde mountain mama I'm into I'm going to find her she could be a lesbian I could be wrong doesn't matter she might like you it'd be funny reddit is like that it's a gauntlet you just run into a million tents of a guy that grabs your finger and you have to just be like

I'll fuck anybody's girlfriend hear you just have to be while you're getting hit be like you guys are all actually gay i'm not some dude sucks your finger and like bag what the hell's going on that guy i looked his username he liked me last week what happened it's like you said something i disagree with politically yeah fuck you little vultures. But yeah, so let's say she's watching TV or something. And I come in. I'm like, we're going to watch this.

Yeah. That's something I can hold on to. Oh, she'll keep it. I'm not going to physically tax her or anything. That's a big come up for a little brother, dude. For a little brother to command the TV. I got that. How long did it take you? That must have been years, dude.

Fifth grade was when it all changed. Saw the Goldberg spear on TV. Immediately brought that into my fucking... Immediately brought that into my game around the house. Speared them... Dude, this is speared the fart knockers. That's what I've been called. I've been calling my sisters the fart knockers the last couple days.

And it's... No one else thinks it's funny at all. But I say that they're having a home run race. Yeah. To see who can knock as many farts out of the park. This is slamming Sarah Sosa. I call my sister fart McGuire. Have they been crushing farts?

No, they haven't farted at all. What? I just keep calling them the fart knocking sisters. Well, that's why they're not laughing because they get caught farting. Well. You told me that initially. I thought, I just for some reason,

like, damn, Shane's sister's been farting like crazy. No, nobody's even knocking farts out of the park but i'm just saying you know what they're up to they're having a home run race of fortnight this is like the summer of sosa mcguire slaving sarah sosa fart mcguire oh my god so that's going on and uh so how'd you get how'd you capture the tv because obviously your dad in terms of chieftain like has phil still has that phil still has his chair like i'll be i'll literally be sitting in his chair he'll come in and be like get up well sports sports i as someone who doesn't really watch sports really ever yeah it's like a pressure cooker when someone comes down they're like yo you don't have the game on i'm like am i supposed to

have the game what's going on what's happening it's like you gotta have the game on should i put it on so like a sports watcher can easily and they'll go to if you're at a family party they'll be like why isn't the game on what the hell is this and they'll start building a little resistance where you're like you guys put on the philly so all my retarded uncles don't have autistic spazzes right yeah i'll give you that especially i can't even imagine what you were watching fucking ancient aliens on thanksgiving it's like the vikings are on come watch an ancient aliens it'd be like South Park. And they're like, what's this, a cartoon?

Philly's playing the Nationals. And they're like, my dad's like, put the Phil. Come on. But yeah, the sports, Phil has control of that. But the thing that really sucks is Phil bets on sports. So let's say notre dame's playing i'm i'm 100 i need to watch everything on that need to watch the commercials sure can't even change because i don't want to we're gonna miss plays because phil while he's

watching notre dame let's say he has money on you know fucking some pac-12 bullshit yeah we gotta i gotta watch ucla fresno state that'll give you a heart attack phil control on the phil control on the remote during uh football saturdays is tough and then what really sucks is betting people especially only watch nfl red zone yeah like you're not even watching the foot like red zone everybody's on red zone's dick yeah because mostly it's people playing fantasy football and shit but you can't you to get a full grasp of the game. You got to see the whole game. I got to watch the birds, dude.

I got to see the birds start to finish. I got to know what's going on. You got to see down one, two, three. You got to see the first through fourth down. I don't need to see touchdowns. True. You're not a highlight, man. All touchdowns.

I'm not a highlight. I want to see some three-yard games. True. I want to see who's doing what on the O-line. You know what I'm saying? I heard that. I heard that. No, I heard that.

Big fuck it. Also, you can't get a grip of the game. You can't get a the grip of the game you can't get a grip of the game if you're watching just the highlights i mean you can't appreciate the highlights if you're not seeing three yard two yards there's no negative four yard gains negative four yard gains that's crazy now we're talking sports i mean dude you want to talk about i'm so excited for sports to come back that's another thing dude that's yeah boy the nba couldn't come back faster for this yeah that's dude the cia might be involved with the nba to get them started again you think they're gonna quell these fucking protests you think so nobody goes nobody even goes

you didn't like that that's why he literally physically react to me saying that. He was like. No, it's true, though. Not that. Not that. You think they would hear like the referee whistle and the squeak of the sneaker and everything? It would just drop all the signs? Here's the thing.

Most of Antifa, I've noticed this. Yeah. A lot of white liberal pussies. Yeah. All got into the NBA the last like five years. Of course. Has anybody else noticed this? You pointed it out to me. And yes, I to me and yes i don't understand what it is but somehow that all the dorks have agreed that

the nba is the sport in the last couple years maybe i'm missing something no dude you're right you pointed it out to me and i was like you know i love i love the nba i've always liked it but it's weird to see people who have literally never liked sports that the only thing they talk about now is the NBA. True. Anyway. I mean, we'll see. We'll see what, you know, we'll see.

I think that would take down Antifa. And so you need King James. You need King James to speak. Come back. King James has spoken. And he's very he's he's a pretty strong activist. But yeah, if he's, you know, I don't watch him dunk. You're saying you want to go back to normal, dude.

Then like police violence videos. Yeah. You're saying you want this stuff to go back to normal. Yeah, of course. yeah you're saying you want the stuff to go back to normal yeah of course that's all you're saying i beg for normal i beg for law and order you missed the harmony and you're like what would bring everyone together basketball it's like uh it's like in the philippines if pacquiao fights crime drops like 40 that day just because he's fine i don't know maybe that's not like a real theory i'm just what what what do you mean maybe i'm just watching that's true i'm watching me trying to figure out well i'm just not sure what the what's wrong i'm saying if you put on a basketball maybe they stop knocking off and stop the bullshit

look we need sports again i was just watching you trying to know here's how i really that's how i mean it what i'm trying to say is at the end of the day you gotta distract to distract the masses that's it you just gotta go you gotta stay at caesar level the top time dude just be like we need to sort of sway these masses with the distraction the protests all love the nba everybody involved antifa and blm love the n True. You break out some tough NBA games, we're going to eliminate at least the people that are half-hearted in this. Yes. The people that are in for Instagram are staying home to watch the game.

There's going to be a lot of people even at least checking at the protests. What are you looking at? You're like, Pacers. Suns. Suns Trailblazers. This is a fair point. It's a fair point. I mean, also, too, it is the perfect uh you know if you

want if it's like the best setting for a turn see what i mean though about the live stream before he was like you want to live stream this i was like i don't know i think we're probably liable for some pretty bad takes considering the uh current climate i think i gotta go bad takes in the in the system that was one of them We need to be live. Keep it rolling, bro. You have to, bro. Well, that's the problem. This is what chaps my fucking ass. I was thinking about this today while I was driving my car.

No big deal. I basically reincarnated. My car got totaled and devastated. Is it still there? No, I sold it to the junk guy for $150. How long was it there? Oh, dude, that car was there for like three months, maybe? Two, three months?

It had to be more so i really oh yeah no never mind about three or four months yeah so when i got in the person smashed my car i hopped in it and there's tow guys were like yo i'll tell your car oh i'll tell your car i'll tell your car i was like i don't feel like that's how cheap i am dude i was like it's like 175 bucks plus storage for the days and i was like i think i can drive this thing it was total dude airbags were deployed yeah matches left a matches left a destroyed car on our street dude so i did i did terminator salvation all the way straight up 33 it was going this car could have fucking blown up but in my head i was like i'm not giving lube while i'm 150 fucking bucks i'll fucking die

before i do that i parked i beached up in 24-hour parking someone bought it but now that was that was the 08 civic now i'm in the 2010 me and britney had the same exact car hers was two years older than younger than mine now it's like that car got totaled we got a new car and i'm just back in the same old fucking car but anyway sorry so that's not the point of what this story was so i know what you're gonna we're um yeah yeah it Yeah. It's Groundhog's Day. But we were so we're driving. No, I'm driving. And dude, I got so hung up on my fucking thing. I totally. Oh, so this is the whole thing now. So, you know, you're talking.

We're here. We're talking bullshit. And the whole idea is now there's a there's, you know, an ecosystem of people online trying to find little moments of like things that are said that are like, oh, this could be construed or like, yeah, like as if like that's like you know everyone's doing the thing and then they say something and it's like here's my essence in life force and like this is my genetic code like oh i've really thought about this more than just one second before i said it i'm thinking as i'm talking yeah but and then it's like you know they get people who now do a thing where it's like

oh what are you worried about free speech and it's like, you know, they get people who now do a thing where it's like, oh, what are you worried about? Free speech. And it's like, where do you think feminism came from? You fucking dickhead. Like it wouldn't have came. Feminism wouldn't have been a thing unless people could be like, I got a crazy idea, but check me out, dude. So you're turning me against free speech. Well, that's the thing.

It's like, no, it rules. It's awesome. No, it gave way to just people being like, women are, they should be on the battlefield too. This girl has a mohawk. Someone should have slapped the first, yeah. No, that's. First person to be like, women should fight.

You're out. Well, this is the thing. You have people laughing being like. No, I like broads. I mean, they have a tough... We got a fire in the mouth. Stats aren't looking good. Stats are rough.

You continue to take the pirate map. The pirate map... You're a natural plunderer. That's exactly what it was, dude. This fucking weight isn't touching the pirate. You're just shifting the pirate map. No one's... Since this has been placed, it hasn't moved.

Actually, as long as I'm closer to the X, I'm fine. I'm close. I'm the X on the map. It's unbelievable that you're worried about the pirate map location but yeah dude it is i thought about that today to be like you're trying to throw me off my game no dude worried about free speech were you a free speech guy yeah well free speech guy well that's the thing though free speech guy? Yeah. Free speech guy. Well, that's the thing, though. Free speech has been pirated. By who? By a lot of like whites, like right wing.

Yeah, but it's also the reason we're not like seeing a chick driving to Acme and Azuzu Rodeo and fucking beating the shit out of her. The fact that a lady over there could be like, hey, guys, just hear me out. They'd be like, all right, I can see that. Rather than like, you're fucking just, you're not allowed to do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You shouldn't be able to get hit for words. You got to be able to take the good with the bad, dude. Of course.

For sure. For sure. But if you go to any other country, there has to be the equivalent of something like a neo-Nazi there. Of a dude who's like, no, no, no, guys, here's the deal. We're actually the best. No, I told you about Spain. Exactly.

Or even just like Nazis. Even if dudes that are still fascist. Even if you didn't have Nazis or even just like nazis even if even yeah dudes that are still fascist even if you didn't have nazis or dudes who even knew what nazis were there's gonna be there's gonna be a dude who's like i figured it out we're the best yeah we have to just ones it's like it's the fact that they're like free speech is contributing to this raised idea of racism it's like i don't know. I don't think it does. Yeah, I agree. I agree entirely.

Yeah. It's like, I don't think it does. Nor do I think you want that guy just being like, it's the same dude. It's the exact same thing that I, I'm speaking for myself here. Get it held up on because I hate the people that support certain things so much that I'll be like, no, I don't agree with that. Yeah. Just cause I don't agree with that yeah just because i don't want them to win sure it's the same way for the left being like well free speech sometimes isn't good it's like now you just don't want them to be right sure because free speech is obviously

very important it's the same thing no it is people just sit there like well it leads to nazis though it's like yeah it does it also leads to like aviation so it is also it leads to good ideas also non-free speech leads to nazis too you can totally non-free speech your way into being yes you can also non-free speech your way into not being able to not be a nazi if that's even i might have just nazied myself excuse me are you not being able not being able to not be a nazi it's like if i can't if i cannot cannot i don't know the world will know either way just a little pictogram for you guys yeah i used the wrong thing too i said uh free speech led to aviation so what did nothing i just said something stupid i think you did dude

some dude can believe some guy believed he was like we should fly and someone's like what do you some guy believe some guy was like at first but man you're fired stop you're dropping shit some guy probably said exactly what Kel said they would be like at first I was afraid and they're like

I think I could fly these cans in the sky at first I was afraid of breaking down like what are you saying Orwell what are you saying he's like if I can do it

sorry alright man i remember as a kid just fucking loving that song so much still do still i mean it was right when space jam came out i fucking loved that song yeah anyway but yeah definitely the first guy to suggest flying you see a video that dude People tried to make flight suits like forever. There's one and there's a video. And if you're home right now, watch it because it's very funny. There's a guy just jumps off the Eiffel Tower in front of everybody.

Like a flight suit. He literally just kills himself. And then the camera cuts to people like carrying him out. Obviously, there's no order. It's just like a mob of people like holding a dead body. Off the Eiffel? Yeah. He jumped off like the middle

middle of the eiffel tower so i mean high enough i mean he fucking for sure he just died he had like a fucking blanket attached to his neck i mean might be an obvious question but why didn't he try it off of like a maybe like a six foot off like a high rock he wasn't catching enough wind oh you need to catch him velocity yeah true i had faith in it. He probably tried it off the six feet thing. Honestly, he probably had a mind very similar to yours. I'm just not catching wind from the six foot thing. I'm going to risk it, dude. He also might have tried it without himself in it.

It was like, suit flies? You would think he would have gone for that first, put a dummy in the suit. They didn't have any dummies laying around back then maybe a stick a heavy stick or something yeah you have your friend lift you then lift the stick and be like yeah sticks about as heavy as you yeah and then throw that off in the suit but then you're like yeah but i'm like i'm more like part water they're probably yeah but i'm 80 percent water yeah see this guy exactly had your mind well we can't use a dummy i'm mostly water it's like all right well if rain kind of floats down so you invited everybody to wait you're like hey everyone watch this fucking sick shit about this guy just fucking dies what if it was like his 30th birthday

he's like for my 30th birthday i'm gonna pop out get this i'm gonna fly suit flight also imagine if he pulled it off dude i know coming down landing from the eiffel tower and just getting all the pussy like yo that dude flies he has a flying suit yeah I mean that is the risk and that's that's what I've always said if you're gonna kill yourself do something fucking cool

that if you somehow survive you have a good life lined up for you true like I was always in my mind barrel over Niagara Falls you know

you're a barrel I'm gonna get in a barrel and go over Niagara Falls see if you survive that and if I survive that's a legend true yeah you want a suicide case to fucking legend absolute legend oh if you so yeah even if you do die yeah exactly you just fucking die still dying cool instead of being a coward because anybody yeah i do want yeah maybe i wonder i do want to talk to uh i'm gonna figure out tightrope walking and be like,

I've never even done it once. I'm going to walk between these two buildings. That would be good suicide outreach to be like, we're just trying to get people to do cool stuff when they actually eventually do kill themselves. Yeah, instead of killing yourself, just do something really fucking risky. Power the act, yeah.

Ramp off the Grand Canyon having never ridden a motorcycle in your life. Yeah, if your suicide doesn't involve a ramp, that is kind of shitty. Yeah, that's like the last like i'm not one of those people that think suicide's like a selfish act i'm not one of those dickheads but not doing something cool when you do yeah exactly that is actually slightly selfish if you're willing to die for nothing true do something fucking cool to die yeah or you know

stop an unenduring sense of pain yeah that's what i mean the note would be sick like i'm so sorry guys this isn't your fault i just need to know how much air i can get yeah yeah i think i can get like probably 16 feet of air and i have to find out it's not your guys i love you and i'm proud of you all how would you yeah how would i kill myself i've already said if i kill myself before what was me motorcycle and i just have two buckets of paint red and blue no blue and white and run into the white house dude no again no political statement just be like how do you die like it's kind of cool yeah it is cool

more like a rock song it's just like that's cool imagery yeah it sucks these days you can't even pull that off you think they barricade it up right? It'd be tough to get a bike in there. Well, if I'm going to, I might as well build the ramp at this point. I'm already, it's already a suicide mission. I might, if I see you build a, if you went down, did you see the black lives matter mural in front of the white house? It's fucking sick. It's like the whole street.

If you rode your motorcycle the whole way, actually with paint, that might be a bad look because you probably spill a little on the mural. I'd be careful. I've had the lids on. No, I'd have lids because the impact would set the lids off okay i wouldn't just be open but i wouldn't have live juice bro i wouldn't have open buckets of paint i might be cool the live juice because it would count the trail the spray the trail would be sick pretty sick to be like rocket league i'd call i'd call them up whoever's in charge of such murals i'd be like look man tomorrow

i'm gonna fly by this thing on a yamaha, can you build me a quarter pipe near the White House? Do me a solid here. If I build this thing, they obviously know my fucking deal. Yeah. Just build me the cages, dude. If you could ramp into the White House. How much do you think the Trumps have dirt bikers at the White House? What if the one in a trillion chance you hit Donnie?

Just he happens to be out walking. You do die. That's literally the greatest assassination if he dies via dirt bike dirt bike accident and you lived you didn't survive they'd have to let you go that would be a case where people would be like all right that one's that's an accident that's like that's cheney's hunting accident it's like dude i caught fucking air ended up into the fucking white house got me. Don got under my tire. Don got under me. Don got under the tires.

It's a street bike, dirt bike, so obviously you can do both. That's fucking sick. Semper Tyrannis, dude. Damn, man. Yeah, I wonder. You'd have to first get through Weapons Most Ominous. So you'd have to dirt bike your way through weapons most ominous weapons most dogs ironically does sound like a cool fucking uh rap album weapons most

it sounds like a track wu-tang would release that actually kind of does it sounds like a rizaline what kind of weapons you think they had for like the ominous weapons guns almost 100 percent gun lock nine millimeter yeah it's probably like a they you know what though They probably told him that like in case shit pops off the White House lawns probably decked out with like turrets Transformer yeah, like transformer level shit where it's like they probably built shit where like if it goes down They can press the button let me just touch we need to get rid of the five That's fucking treasures here in case you see the treasure. It me just touch the X. We need to get rid of the fucking... Treasures here in case... I don't know if you can see the treasure.

It's hidden behind the salt lamp. Treasure's right there. I don't want to hide it from your vantage. You would be obsessed with treasure. The treasure's right here and right here. You need to learn that. True, true. You're right.

That's why I bought the map. I knew I had something to learn from it. This treasure map stinks. It's fucking great, dude. No, we need something better for this. I just don't want everyone to see the marble table dude. Come on fucking That marble evil. I don't see the marble you line table dude tables nice. We got a good studio going we do When is this flag gonna stop getting wrinkled? Do you think how do you iron it? That's though?

I didn't know how you ironed a flag. Is there you know a local flag a flag Smith? I Mean can I take this to the dry cleaner and be like, be like, look, you motherfucker. I can't have this thing like this. Cause they, they know how to, is a dry cleaner and how to fold a flag properly. Clearly somebody didn't fold this properly, which chaps my fuck. Someone just crumbled it up in a ball.

Oh, that's why you, that's why you, uh, iron flags. No, you didn't fold it. So know that you didn't fold it properly. Kind of showing your ass. This is embarrassing. Who's flag? I'm not going to say. Whose flag is this?

I'm not going to. I would never. Someone in your family. Someone from your murderous bloodline. Your scoundrel murderous bloodline. And now, you know. I'm not going to say, dude. Fucking treasonous bloodline.

Look, man. Your bloodline is disgusting. I'm not going to say, dude. Fucking treasonous bloodline. Look, man. Your bloodline is disgusting. I'm not going to say. I know who did it. This is Bill. No, it's not. It's not Bill. It's not Bill.

I'm not going to play 21 questions with you. I apologize, Bill. I'm not going to play 21 questions. Take that back. I shouldn't be on the air. Dude. Yeah, man. Somebody crumpled the flag.

Also, they should have taught us how. I'm not saying who did it. They also should have. You said no when I said Bill. You said I'm. I said I'm not playing this game. So it's not your bloodline. I'm not saying who did it. You said no when I said Bill. I said I'm not playing this game. So it's not your fault. I crumpled the flag. You crumpled the flag.

Whoever crumpled the flag. I neglected the flag. I remember being a kid and thinking that. I remember thinking that was a serious thing. Never once did I at any point. I genuinely thought. I never did, but people in the morning would go fold the flag and shit out front of school you would see you would spy i'd see them well the students did it sure it was a student job and uh i remember thinking it was

like a law like the flag can't touch the ground like killing praying mantises yeah killing praying mantis my the laws i followed were definitely killing praying mantis fold the flag don't let the flag touch you. Did you ever see a weak fold and fucking get nervous? Or be like, this guy's about to get scooped. Cops are going to come. He's folding this thing wrong. Fucking cops will be here any second.

Have you ever seen a bad fold where you kind of got worried? All right. Hear me out on this. First of all, you fucking treat this thing like you treat my pirate map like shit. The judging map is garbage. Look, hear me out on this in a way there should be a twilight zone episode where white people are the victims of a systemic uh culture of racism sure where black cops show up to white neighborhoods and enforce crimes petty crimes that white people commit like killed a praying mantis i mean dude it's huh call

it 20 call it 2055 this is this is what's going to be in 2055 we're in defund the police you're gonna get your house some black dudes are coming back excuse me you can't do this we're like why don't you leave us alone why don't you keep us alone yeah they're just like there's just like 90 white people left in 60 years they're like why don't you guys leave us alone all we're trying to do is do our culture like what are you guys up to be like nazis and stuff come on man that's just how to make it. We came from kings in Germany. A German king.

Yeah, we're going to be a minority soon. They're going to be like, come on, guys. A minute for white culture. We're going to be like showing like Kenny Chazzy. Yeah, we used to do cool stuff. Yeah, we had cool stuff but you know yeah there's just gonna be a gestapo of lesbians breaking into your house oh yeah what are you doing social workers dude you're gonna have social workers you're gonna block captains described what social workers are

to me and they are truly the last people i believe we need mediating any true you give especially if we're gonna be sending social workers into inner cities you know who we're sending in the social workers are all going to be white teenage they won't go that's the thing no they won't go they'll be like they'll go there and be like i'm actually just gonna work for my dad uh how many how many uh how many of the police do you think are gonna get raped i mean like hot college social workers are to go try to bust up a fucking. I mean, that is the value. I'm going to start committing crimes just so social workers come over to my house. Yeah, like, you're a bad boy. Be like, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, so? What's up? Yeah, what? What am I? Oh, yeah, man. I mean, the funny thing is, whenever I'd ask, a lot of the, let's say, super left far left far leaning social work colleagues, like, where are you guys doing your field placement? They're like, I'm at Bryn Mawr, Bryn Mawr school. I'm working.

I'm working with the P. It's like, OK, that's cool. Yeah. So, yeah, they wouldn't come. But you'd have like front level, not toot my own horn. You have the fucking beast like me pulling up into a drug ring and be like, all right, we got going actually now you wouldn't have i wouldn't be doing that i'd be going there for like guys would be like shitting themselves alone in their house instead of a cop being like come on you motherfucker get up you'd have some guy just being like i respect you i just want to know

you're so fucking powerful have you tried programming can we go over your strengths right now get high you should get high as fuck tonight some guy who shits his pants oh fuck yeah sorry i didn't mean to demean your no it's it's a i mean you know where social work started from well some rich white people being like let's go down there to fleet bottom and teach fucking uh skid row and we're like these guys are all fucked up let's go down there measure their heads flea bottom yeah it started out with white people being like look i hear me out on this but i think you can measure people's heads to see if they're smart or not and we'll go down you can also tell if they're criminals too but like the way their eyes are and you go down there and if if they are criminals by looking at their eyes let's just teach them not how to be pieces of shit and that

was that's what social work started it's funny that that was like that used to be like minority report back then they're like we finally have the technology to you know pre-crime we can prevent crime how big is his fucking forehead like this guy looks retarded i think there's a link i think there's a link unfortunately there's no doubt in my mind that there was a strong link between dudes who had like deformed heads and vicious crimes back in the old days because they used to like come by and be like please sir can you help me get out of here you fucking freak and you would kick them

ew dude you look fucked up yeah they'd put them in bell towers and shit your mom probably did something bad that's why you look like that get the fuck out of here yeah for sure yeah if you were a freak you had to hide people would throw rocks little kids would see you and instinctively be like, fuck, man, I'm throwing a rock at you.

Their parents would throw rocks at the freak again. Here's one more spoon of soup. You fucking hit that freak? You hit him good? That's my boy. Remember, I used to throw rocks at freaks back in my day. Guy finally jumped off of a mountain, but... Anyway, he raped a bunch of girls and then killed himself.

Now it's the freak's problem one time i pegged him right in the nuts your uncle your brother's like you didn't hit him the fucking nuts you hit him in the leg you're fucking a big freak you're a big freak i saw his nuts i saw the freak down in the lake taking a bath he's the biggest fucking nuts i saw his nuts they were he didn't hit his nuts he's been telling this story for years he didn't hit the freaks nuts i did it was a fucking arrowhead i found it fucking hit him skipped it right across the water jumped out hit the freak right in the deck he was on a date he was on a date the freak was on a date i mean dude can you trust the fact i mean people did write history i can't trust the fact that some guy there's got to be people got to be like all right

and write down for the official record what happened it was four dudes and like oh yeah do you see that time i like jumped over all those dudes and killed those people they're like oh yeah yeah dude that was right before like i got pussy and uh like won that other battle like oh yeah dude i forgot yeah you did that it was sick there's no way you kept people from not lying no because didn't john smith lie wasn't john smith like a fucking total liar i do think i've been hearing that a little been hearing rumblings of that i thought it was acceptable you could like come home and spin a yarn and they'd be like oh yeah john smith was like a known like uh he would exactly i mean he was exaggerated he was literally in a new world

writing history true literally no one was there to be today i got here got pussy and the chief tried to break it up but but she thought I was hot. But I ended up fucking a 12-year-old. I think Pocahontas was like nine. I could be wrong. I think she peeped his game for like three years, though. Finally, he was like, no. It was like DMX and belly.

He was like, yo, chill. You're only 12. I'll let you suck my dick. Yeah, and it was something else. I think it was like John Rolfe or something married her. Or Walter Rall. I forget. There's all these fucking guys.

They're literally all the same. Yeah. whole team hit yeah everybody everybody ran a whole spot squad ran deep on nobody talks about belly how like dude belly's all they wrote dmx is like yo you're only 16 i'll let you give me head though that was like back then that was like for sure dude yeah put that document that yeah and that was uh i think i've also i'll go on the record in 2020 saying that that 16 year old actress i'm sure she wasn't 16 because i thought she was very attractive she must be older they might have dude i think they casted an older lady because dude you know she was i mean it was a girl with like it was in her room in her like pink room on the phone it's's like, yeah, I sucked his dick too.

I was a kid like. The girlfriend from Friday. Yeah, the whole thing was hot. Oh boy, don't get me started. Oh, the girlfriend from. Don't get me started. To this day, whenever I'm at the bank and like a lady of the bank has fake nails on the keyboard, I'm like, keep it together, Matt. I'll hear that.

No, I hear that. Clack, clack, clack, clack, clack. And I'm like, oh God, Jesus Christ. Really? You like the fake nails? Oh boy. Did you ever get your back scratched by him or your head just like this yes oh yes oh god um it's a new experience oh it's a good one the um i i completely lost train of thought i'm thinking about getting scratched by those long nails clacking that keyboard yeah and they

see my bank account i would go to td at the time when i had like 75 bucks in my bank and i'd be like i'm like oh my god this lady's so hot pull up 75 bucks like like can i have 10 bucks yeah thank his dad yeah man you just have to go to dad be like can i get like 10 bucks to get like snacks yeah i'm also laughing too at thinking like in when they film belly they're like all right x you're gonna freestyle you're talking to your girlfriend go and he's like i'm gonna let you suck my dick because you're 16 they're like holy shit dude dude yeah yeah what you're not leaving that in they're like fucking keep it i'll just suck my dick though but you can't tell anyone that's sexy dmx banging uh his lady in that in the shower who'd you like better his lady or uh t-boss t-boss in that scene dmx's lady max's bay but dmx dmx look good

back dude boomer dude and he's a short king too so he that's like he showed you how you short king it you just you get a sick back tat and if your girlfriend catches you cheating on her you just fuck her really hard you act quick come out of the shower hot yeah also you think x was like is this okay if i eat your pussy excuse like is this okay if i eat your pussy excuse me is it okay if i eat your pussy right now are you mad yeah the uh that's what he did he was like all right i fucking i'm a pedophile but that doesn't stop me from fucking you right now she's 16 i wonder if epstein pulled that off or tried to on like just people caught him being a pedophile just fuck them and he was like what'd you like, what'd you say? They're like, oh, fuck.

Just trying to fuck real quick. Yeah, he just turned on a black light and starts fucking them. Like, damn, this looks sick, dude. Sorry, I'm wrong. Yeah, young Jeffrey. Yeah, that was a nice, that was a nice, uh, it was a good scene where DMX had sex with his girlfriend. They make up.

Yeah. About his transgressions. About his transgressions. With a minor. With a minor. Yeah, a 16-year-old was sucking his dick. He taught her how to give head true and then she was like i heard you had sex with a young kid and he was like

check out these alien posters i'm about to fuck you i'm but i'm break out of this with some sex yeah uh where are we at time wise i think we've scratched the bottom we're back to belly talk true that's what we know we usually have exhausted another thing about belly the movie what more thing about belly do you know method man no the um yeah lamar where we at oh wow this is perfect yeah that's good um yeah i don't know i think it's pretty good first time in the stude first studio yeah it does get a little awkward it's uncomfortable at first i think studio we're gonna the studio is gonna be good we're gonna get rid of this dog shit pirate map here shortly you can you can take it back i guess i'm used for this yeah i'm hanging behind

myself on zoom you think i didn't wasn't dying to have this thing behind me in zoom you know what i'll share my pirate flag shane deserves cool things every now and then. We should get a pirate flag. True. Yeah. Those are some cool flags. They got some really

cool and not just not just that. I'm talking like actual old pirate flags. You ever look at those? But yeah. But dude, once we showed stars and bars

replaces the pirate flag statement. Oh, we'll see. We'll see how it goes. We can actually have a pirate flag. We can fold this perfectly and put it in

a case. That's that's a happy ending. I'll fold this perfectly and put it in a case. You got to fold it. That's a happy ending. I'll fold this thing in two seconds. You could never. I can assemble a rifle while I fold this thing. No problem. I could figure out how to pop a gun out of a bullet while I load this thing.

I will be in Helium St. Louis the 18th. Actually, I think it's the 19th, 20th, and 21st now. Got to figure that out. I think I got bumped by a female comic. Really? Bumped you back? Yeah. They got in there first?

I think they're doing Thursday, and I'm going to do Sunday now. I figured they'd let you take the first wave. Well, I was supposed to take the first wave, but then that got pushed back. So the guy who was the next week, they're not going to move him back to it they just switched me um so yeah i think the 19th 20th 21st just look at the website uh helium comedy st louis hell yeah and uh this is our this is our studio we're going to record here we're probably maybe the gamer chair bit we'll see how that goes we can give people who are on. We can make the guests in the game.

Our whole thing was to make our guests sit in regular chairs and we sat in and now we might be the idiots. I told you the story about when I had to pick up this gamer chair from UPS. No. Oh my God, dude. I fucking went to UPS. So I got mailed. It didn't get here.

So I had to go to UPS or FedEx, wherever it was to pick it up. And it was like, it was still pre-coronavirus so ups has weird hours where it shuts down for like an hour and then opens back up then so i get 230 or three it opens back up so i'm in a line with like four or five other people and while we're waiting to get in there like dude fucking 30 people getting lines we finally all get in there and then like so i'm sitting there and i'm like arguing like no it's here and i'm like kind of like i need this i'm acting like i urgently needed our chair so i'm like no and then like all of a sudden like is this it and it just has like respawn gamer and it has like this it has like these fire graphics on it dude and i'm fucking i'm like yeah fuck it's in the box and like the picture on the box i'm like everyone's kind of looking

at me i'm like fuck and then some kid goes to his mom like mom mom he's got a gamer chair mom everybody has them can i get a gamer chair and the mom looked at me like you fucking dork i was like i like it was heavy so i was like straining i'm like fuck i like wimped out on my gamer chair it was like kind of looking at the kid like yeah dude fuck you yeah gamer chairs are tight i'm not gonna let anybody criticize our studio into me not thinking gamer chairs are tight that is a hundred percent gonna fall back here shortly and it's it's gonna be great that's how i'm gonna die i'm getting impaled by a bull all right all right that's how you get tough, dude.

That'd be Mike. All right. Let's end this episode. Can you take this? Oh!