Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 305- Teenis Envy

Episode Date: July 15, 2020

Nick Cannon is king. The rest of us are just wannabe's and pretenders. It's been a nice run, though. Appreciate you guys letting us do this until Nick Cannon's killer new podcast swallows up all other forms of media as it clearly should.  Hail Cannon! 

Good to go. Check the comments. Let's check the comments. We should be good to go. I heard also from a couple of my confidants. They told me you had to be kind of got to ride these mics a little. Yeah. I thought these were like, you know, the ones you could kind of like speak into like the

general vicinity. What confidants? Just one guy. I said he worked for the radio before. You got to stay up on those mics pretty hard. What up, bro? Chilling, man. What's happening?

Chilling. Fucking morale's low in this room, man. What's happening? Chilling. Fucking morale's low in this room right now. Why? Power rankings came in, dude. I'll tell you the power rankings. Oh, the moral combat. Yeah, Matt's celebrating a number two in a video game. Which I can't even imagine. Matt, I can't even bring myself to imagine a world where I would celebrate being number two in a video game.

Never did. Makes me sick to think of. I don't like a silver medal. You got one. You got a silver medal right now. I said morale's low. Morale's fine. You tried to accuse me of being gloomy about losing to fucking Noah in Mortal Kombat, and I don't care at all.

It was a good battle. Yeah, it was a good battle. That double knockout ending. That was probably the most exciting fight on the entire card. On the entire card. That was probably the most exciting fight. He jumped the whole fucking time, dude. I'm going to fuck him up after this.

Well, I'm going to take it out on him in NHL. That's where. You think I'm going to take him in NHL? Get on the ice, dude. Not in the arena. No, not in the little kid game. The button smashing game? It's on the ice, dude. Not in the arena? No, not in the little kids game. The button smashing game? It's not button smashing, dude.

Buttons, I'm like, I'm analyzing. I hear the... That's just lightning fast combos. All right, call it what you want. You weren't fast enough. Lemaire was... Yeah, Lemaire was definitely testing certain aspects of my game, but I think I have him figured out.

He also, again, he's playing as a level boss. It's like being Goro in the original. Yeah, LeMaire plays as D'Vorah. LeMaire plays as a girl in a video game, which is... Perverted. It is sick. Matt brought up a very good point. It's not perverted.

It's the best move. It's very sick and perverted. No, it's the best move. The problem is you get a strong heterosexual like me, I'm checking the girl out the hole. I can't fight. It's not a fair fight. I'm a Christian, obviously. I don't want to hit hit her even if it's a bug lady yeah i'm a christian i'm heterosexual i don't want to hit her yeah i don't know you can't i never i always hated

if you play as a chick in a game it goes against me dude it goes against everything in my soul true why because it's for girls dude what do? Like, anybody that plays is like, you probably play as Peach. No. You definitely play as Princess Peach. Never, dude. Never, dude. That's why they put her. Guess who I play as?

Who? Link? Donkey Kong. That's it. Donkey Kong. Every single time, dude. That's pretty big. That's big.

Donkey Kong. Yeah, man. I think they put the girl characters in there just for, like, for girls to play for, like, five minutes. It's like your little sister. It stinks. Yeah. You're like, all right, get out of here. Yeah, yeah although i did have a speaking of mario kart i've been

watching sopranos a lot and uh i keep trying to identify as tony yeah i keep sliding into more of an aj character who's aj his pussy fat son just like kill himself and cries all the time how do you how do you try to identify as tony like i see Tony do cool things, and I want to do those things. Yeah? Like, I'm going to start getting shirts that come down to, like, here. T-shirts. I'm going to get a bracelet and a ring. Dude, that'd be awesome.

Like, every time I see his balding head, I'm like, all right, sick. Perfect. I can keep that. Gold chain. Yes. Get it? Your wake-up pattern is pretty similar. Come down at 10 a.m., just kind of tired.

In a robe. Start talking shit to people. Grub, say who the fuck ate all this. But no, there was an episode that I just watched where AJ was playing football, and then he came back to his house, and he was like, why don't we play Mario Kart? And Tony was like, how old are you? When are you going to stop playing these games?

I was sitting there like, yeah, fat. Yeah, dude, you're like 13. It's time to stop playing video games. And I scurried up the steps. Just run to the fridge and eat a bunch of cold cuts. I'm Tony. I'm not him. Yeah.

Also, Tony was pretty racist, which was... Extremely. LeMaire, how do you feel about that? Tony who? Tony Soprano. In today's climate, when he's saying such... I didn't watch The Sopranos. You didn't?

No. Well, there's a part, yeah, his daughter's dating a black nerd, and he's like... Then he sees a box of Uncle Ben's rice, and passes out. I do hate the black nerd. Yeah, he's kind of a weasel, right? He's a corny dude. He's a weasel, yeah. Yeah, again, I swear to god it's uh

black people give italians a pass because they're like well the mob's cool so you guys can be racist that's been my experience like well the mob's cool so and italians have some melanin as the great doctor nick cannon true true those with not the if the closer you are the more melanin you have the more human you are true us whites ne whites. Neanderthals. Us very pale pink boys. Neanderthals, dude. We're pretty much the closest thing to animals, as Nick Cannon would say. On his new podcast. On a podcast.

What's his new podcast? It's so fun. There's a bunch of fists behind him, and he's just like, listen, as the great Dr. Farrakhan said. Yeah. Yo, you know what was really interesting? Now that I'm on this fucking race kick yeah it was really fun to see the way uh all the analysts on espn handled deshaun jackson quoting hitler versus the way they treated drew breeze who was like i don't know i think you should stand during

the end it's fucking crazy yeah what was the how did they play out, Deshaun Jackson? Every analyst was like, yo, I talked to Deesh. He was trying to lift people up. He just worded it wrong. He was just trying to lift people up. It's like, dude, he quoted. It's like, check his bibliography, bro. He quoted Hitler. Well, yeah, I guess you got to quote Hitler, right?

Or he should have been like, guys, I know. And he actually misquoted Hitler. What did he say? He attributed a quote to Hitler that wasn't even Hitler. He ghost wrote it? Yeah. I mean, he literally posted a paragraph that said, Hitler said. It just turned out it was wrong.

So people were like, it wasn't actually Hitler. That's not true. Who was he? I don't know. It was weird. He thought he was quoting Hitler. He tried to quote Hitler. In a good way.

Yeah. He tried to be like, Hitler was right that the Jews are trying to extort america but he posted that online yeah the quote i've seen the quote itself was about i think like one of the prime ministers of israel saying we're going to like bleed america dry and just toss it to the side when we're done with it or something and he was like it's probably hit. Hitler said that. Yeah, that sounds like the big man. Yeah. But it is really fun to go back and watch how they handled Drew Brees being like, I like the flag.

He's like, I like America. They were like, piece of shit, get him out of the league. It's time to retire. Deshaun Jackson was like, yo, Hitler had some decent points. And they were like, my man's just misunderstood right now. It's like, damn, all right, ESPN. the league it sounded retired deshaun jackson was like yo hitler had some decent points and they were like my man's just misunderstood right now it's like damn all right espn well nick cannon has lupus you know that right what nick cannon has lupus all right i actually did a little i did a research i did a little research and nick weirdly enough last week i did research it in the cannon

yeah he has lupus and he drinks two gallons of water a day. So he's doing his podcast on like two G's of water, dude. Probably like having to piss every like five minutes. He's like, yeah, you got to see the thing about the white man. He's like, let's take a break.

Let's take a fucking two gallons of water to combat lupus. He, I believe, I could be wrong. I think during the SNL thing, Wild N' Out reached out and offered me a spot

on Wild N' Out. You should have taken it. So Nick Cannon is kind of the man. He rules, dude. To see me going down in flames and being like, He might have roasted you

and battled you. Join Wild N' Out. I said no. You should have joined Wild N' Out. Even in my darkest hour, I was like, dude, I can't do Wild N' Out.

Dude, you would have crushed on Wild N' Out. No way. If you could go on there and start rapping, dude, that would have been on wild and out no way if you get on there and started rapping dude that would have been the best fucking it'd be so like people were like yo if you do snl you're a sellout do you know how big of a sellout i'd be if i did well no such thing dude if you do wild and out have you seen gary owen a while now yeah dude you could have been you could have you could have been he's like a 48-year-old white dude.

Anyway, the Nick Cannon stuff just. Yeah, man. I mean, dude, he's on fire this year. He's been fired up. He crushed Eminem. Basically, Eminem left the battle because there was too much. The Cannon was bringing too much heat. True. Then he started a black racist podcast, which power move.

Sick. Technically, we are allied with. Yes. We are allies of black conservatives big time and we agree with almost everything they say yeah except when it comes to the fact that you and me are subhuman but other than that yeah i know i'll dude i'll fully own my neanderthal blood dude it is true like when he's saying shit like that i do have to analyze how i behave yeah or be like i'm coming from a place of abundance because of the ice age 15 000 years ago yeah it's now cops are racist well dude brett weinstein just had a uh like a roundtable

discussion with like not all but primarily black intellect like black conservative intellectuals from like colleges they rule it was sick but there was a couple you know there's a couple people who were more like like left center or whatever yeah but he uh it was funny because he had this podcast where it's just him and nothing but like black intellectuals and he's like all right guys something weird about this let's uh let's talk race you can't throw like two other white people in there to make not make it look like completely bizarre but it was funny man he was like good for them booking it like a fucking two-ray show yeah yes he had to come out and be like what's up white people i'm just playing yo i watched he was at warm daddies he was he was down but he he it was like if he built warm daddies and then hosted warm daddies

it'd be like what the fuck you know true and then he you know he started talking like uh there was one one point he was saying something like you can't – it was something about like making excuses for people who are – he was basically saying like crime is just from deprivation and it's a normal response. And then someone – he kept alluding to the fact that people were – it's like the real problem here. It's not racial. He's like there is a racial problem, but the real problem is the fact that there is people who are hoarding opportunity. He was saying rent seekers. So Weinstein was like – he was like there's rent seekers, which I still want to figure out what the fuck that is. I just thought that was like a sneaky way to say Jews.

I didn't know what that was. Rent seekers? He started saying rent sneakers. I'm like, I guess you can say that because Weinstein's Jewish. So he started saying, and people started bringing up stuff. If you say, I don't know, it was just funny. It's his globalist. Black conservatives, their Achilles heel is they kind of all hate jews

a little bit so like they they started going into that territory and yc was like no no no jews have been attacked for a thousand years it was funny yeah i saw uh the jews got on deshaun a little bit did they slightly uh mitch album tuesdays with Mari, he wrote one. He wrote a scathing article about Deshaun Jackson. On Deshaun Jackson? Yeah, basically, again, being like, yo, Jewish people are pretty much black people, guys. Chill. Come on.

It's us versus the white man. What are you guys doing? Yeah. Shut up, Mitch. So he was basically like, we're allied in this together? Yeah, he was just – well, actually, he was a little aggressive about it. He was like, you want to talk oppression? We've been oppressed since the beginning of time yeah yeah it's like yeah so were the hittites and the escaping the macedons shout out macedons yeah dude the

macedonians yeah dude the yeah that was funny i was watching that and it was like it was just kind of awkward it was a weird it's a It was a weird dynamic because it was just him at the top, like a Zoom Brady Bunch panel, and it was him like, Glenn Lowry, go. Thomas Chatterton and Williams, go. And they would all do a round robin and talk. It was pretty funny. And they all agreed?

No, there's a little bit of friction here and there. Glenn Lowry, he's like a bulldog black conservative. He was bullying people. He told one guy he was talking too much. It was so funny. He's like, you're talking a little bit of friction here and there glenn lowry's like he's like a bulldog black conservative he was bullying people he told one guy he was talking too much it was so funny he's like you're talking a little bit much man wow i gotta i gotta get into glenn lowry a little glenn lowry take a look at his work big time he's he's a he's a big time boss dude i always i put on my story all the time really yeah i always post glenn lowry shit on instagram dude people like all right nice how was the weekend uh oh fuck yeah i was up in the poconos with my friends with my boys dude how long my boys from home two days which was two days too many really well the the first fucking day i got there i got there at night

so there was first there's ten dudes in a cabin. Well, not a cabin. It was like a fucking house in the woods. Someone had coke, just by law of averages. No coke. No coke. There was no cocaine. So that was nice. Not many of them do...

A group of ten adults. A group of ten dudes packed. I was hoping there'd be some laying around. There was nothing. Maybe everyone was hoping someone else would have coke. Pot was the big drug. There was no drugs. That's good.

But the air conditioning broke, and it was raining all day. So the house was, like, wet from everybody walking in it. It was sweltering. And so hot. And just 10 dudes farting. It was the worst. And I didn't have a bed because i got there like last oh so just sleep on a couch also everybody woke they all have jobs so they all woke up at 7 a.m i'm like i'm like married there's a bunch of like aggressive stoners dude who like went and slept they weren't they're not even like stoner

they're just getting drunk and playing golf. And waking up drunk. Yeah. Literally, it was a frat house. Okay. There was pizza and wings fucking everywhere. Damn, you're a dude on the couch. Just like wings in the sink. You're a dude on the couch. I had a dude on the couch this weekend.

But what was great is they went and played golf. And me and O'Leary just drove around and pestered them. Nice. Oh, you didn't play? Me and O'Leary didn't play. We just drank and drove in between the two teams. You just drank and drove all weekend? And boy, a couple of them didn't play. Me and O'Leary didn't play. We just drank and drove in between the two teams. You just drank and drove all weekend? And, boy, a couple of them didn't like it.

Really? Yeah, there was a lot of friction. Yeah, golfing is a heavy activity where it's like. Well, I don't get it. I don't get how serious dudes take golf, especially when they suck. All my friends kind of suck. They all kind of suck. Yeah, everyone does suck.

And this is the only thing on earth they take serious. What are they shooting? I don't know. Individually, not good. But they all played of suck. Yeah, everyone does suck. And this is the only thing on earth they take serious. What are they shooting? I don't know. Individually, not good. But they all played best ball, both teams. What's that mean? So four of you hit drive. Whoever had the best drive, all four of you hit from there.

Oh, so bumper bowling. Yeah, they brought the bumpers up. Basically bumper bowling, and somebody was in the back like, you guys suck. And they're like, shut the fuck up, dude. Put theumpers on They got they all got hammered so the first of their like shit face Oh Playing golf and like so I was driving the cart so I would hit reverse whenever they would be like in their backswing

Dude they'd be like get the fuck out of here. So they were actually pissed Yeah, a couple of the couple times they freaked on me. I was like, dude, you guys, me and O'Leary were just dying. How much did they pay to play golf at this place? Probably a lot, but at the same time, it's like, I know these guys. Nothing, they take nothing seriously. Besides golf, yeah. Like, you could be at your friend's funeral, and they'd be like, pshh.

Pussy. Pussy. And then all of a sudden sudden they're on the golf course they're like not in my backswing dude not in my backswing i'm very serious it's like you suck you're you're hitting a you're you're at 105 that's your score right now shut the fuck up anyway so i think i think i lost all my friends from home on this trip. Really? Yeah. Was anybody enjoying your pestilence? I think of the 10, four. We're laughing.

I think I got 40% people were happy that I was there. They were fucking around. But overall, I think a lot were unhappy at my even being there. Just chilling on the cart and talking shit? Yeah. I mean, golf is an infuriating sport for somebody to sit and watch, to not play, and be like, dude, you fucking suck. You fucking suck. Oh, for sure.

But I would get out and hit a ball. I'm terrible. Yeah. And I wasn't like, yeah, I guess I was saying you guys fucking suck. The whole time I was like, dude, you guys are terrible. Also, it's fun to slam on the brakes in the car while someone's in their back swing to just scream. It was great. It was so fun.

And, yeah, my one friend got, like, shit-faced and tried to fight, like, his whole team. That was fun. All on the course or afterwards? Yes, throughout. Throughout the day, dude. He fought them on the course and then in the car ride home. And then he got back to the house, passed out, threw up and passed out. And then came down the steps, like like five hours later just swinging again yeah golf i've golfed

twice and also they all listen to this so hilarious those little fuckers well dude go i my uh one there's like a one of my friends from the neighborhood golfs and it's like i'm always blown away by the amount of gear it takes the amount of stuff the time it takes so like like dude i was telling britney today i'm like dude you're lucky i don't do that because like i'm not on top of like doing everything i do i'm just going to be like oh by the way this weekend i just won't i'll just be gone for forever and i'm gonna get fucked up and hammered the whole time during the day then come home sunburnt and pissed off and just be like They come home sunburnt and pissed off and just be like, fuck.

Yeah, a few of them are married and their wives. Hate it, dude. Women hate, first off, when you leave the house. Yeah. Oh, Jesus Christ. It's an issue. This is how dog brains was invented. If you leave the house, they think you're dead.

It's an issue. They, like, rip up a couch uh yeah man no yeah they it's not it's not a good any sport golfs i mean it's fun to it's fun for me i'm single i just go get fucked up at the but having a bay to come home having a lady to come home to to fight like after day drinking and dude the sunburn and day drinking coming home and be like you have to do this you said you would do this today like i'm just trying to sleep well you're first you're getting yelled at immediately for like because you have like your golf shoes you have a golf you gotta fight a lady

in like polos a polo and khaki shorts tucked in oh well i guess a visor sunburn on your head you come in going oh my favorite part was me and o'leary went to the car and then came back and there was like a potting green where like you can warm up and we couldn't find our friends they were camouflaged amongst every single we had a group of 10 friends and couldn't find one yeah because they're like zebras it's like it was crazy like we showed up it was just a bunch of like middleaged, nude-being-fat dudes. They're all nude-being-fat, none of them. It's so funny.

All dressed like they're on a yacht. Yes. You couldn't tell one of my friends from just a random dude. It was fucking unbelievable, dude. It's just a dude with a high, tight, square buzz cut in the back with just something oakley's on kind of turning red slamming a coarselite all new to fat i've never gotten in with i never gotten i think too golfing is one of those things where i think as a dude you like you hear about it

growing up you look forward to it you're like oh this is my fun time and then i think you start to do it and you're like this kind of sucks too and then you're just like fighting suicidal thoughts the entire time you're golfing you're just like nothing's really that sweet shit you shut the fuck up man you don't know what i'm dealing with right now yeah it was funny though to be at the court i because uh i walked in i was there the guy was like you gotta just pay a cart fee if you're riding walked in i was i grabbed the water i went to go pay and the guy was like don't even worry about dude just you're good, walked in, I grabbed a water. I went to go pay. And the guy was like, don't even worry about it, dude. Just you're good.

And then I was like halfway out the door with the water. I was like, oh, shit, I almost stole this. And he was like, that wouldn't have been a big deal if you did. No problem. And then I was just like, dude, just white dudes rock. Just white guys being white out at this country club. Just like, don't even worry about stealing, bro. I got just like, have fun, man.

You and your boys. All you have to do is wear a polo shirt and khakis and every white dude will be like you're the man dude whatever yeah it's all good you don't want to play golf you just want to get drunk and drive around a vehicle it's like you're good you're gonna have fun knock yourself out yeah yeah that was the uh well that was the issue when i was watching the uh the black intellectual roundtable featuring brett weinstein so fucking weird but they were arguing about structural like systemic racism and like all that stuff and you know i was it's like you know both things but you'll bring it up to people and they're like oh it's fucking bullshit and it's like okay you know you can make the cultural arguments but then it's like then there's like night you know as recent as like 1995 early 2000s

there was a huge portion of america where like where like say a white chick brings home a black boyfriend. It's a fucking situation. Like that was a reality that is like people don't – it's not like a serious deal now. But like that was a serious reality up until like maybe like Eminem. I think Eminem might have allowed black dudes to go home with white chicks. Yeah, I'd say more recent than that. Depending where you're at. I'm talking large swaths of America.

That is like, and that's like a thing no one can deny that. Everyone can be like, well, the job number is blah, blah, blah. Sure. But if you think that doesn't affect like upper management positions where it's like, I wouldn't let you date my daughter, but God damn it, I want you to be the CEO. They're mutually exclusive. They're not like, so yeah, that was't let you date my daughter, but God damn it, I want you to be the CEO. It's like, they're mutually exclusive. They're not like, so yeah,

that was funny watching people argue about that where people will be like, it's not real. There's no, it's like, there's, yeah, there's stuff.

There's stuff in there, dude, of being like, that would have been, again, that country club would have been like, you hear his daughter's dating a black guy. They're like,

what? It'd been a situation. Shut the fuck up, dude. I'm doing my back. Yeah. So that was an argument i took away from the black intellectual round table but i was you gotta you gotta include though

now i hear you where it separates is white people are the ones hiring the jobs but being a white dude going into a black relationship is equally damaging you know what i mean what do you mean like like if you're the only guy who's the parents thing you're saying like a future national culture yes yeah i mean it's i mean it's there no matter what that's for sure exclusive for sure it's not exclusive to the honks but what is for sure job market yeah that's where things get weird well i mean i look i've i've occupied i've been actually i've actually clustered out a lot you know you do that and it's like yeah there's just people who aren't happy to see you at all you go there and they're just like fuck man like i've gone to black church and you can tell they're just kind of like like it's like, yeah, there's just people who aren't happy to see you at all. You go there and they're just like, fuck, man.

Like I've gone in a black church and you can tell they're just kind of like – like it's like doing stand-up and you like see like an old dude. You're like, oh, I can't talk about this. There's an old person here. So they're probably like going through their head like, well, there goes that. There goes that. I'm not talking about that anymore. But, yeah, it was just funny, man.

It was – I don't know. I think we're struggling right now for – right now there's like no ideological system that really serves people in a way that's kind of meaningful right now i think we're struggling to come up with a new one so that's that's the battle yeah like systemic this and like what about the crime statistics and it's just like i found some meaning i started betting oh there you go big into gambling that's fun are you really yeah dude put a lot of put a ton of money on Orlando versus Miami in MLS got the W did you really big win and then I immediately beginner's luck squandered it over the week so you won gambling big early and then literally up until last night was just blowing through it I how much did you win? I won like 350. And then my UFC, I can't bet. I'm one for like nine bets in the last two UFC events.

Really? It's almost impressive how badly I lose. And losing a UFC bet fucking blows, dude. Because your guy just gets the fuck beat out of him the whole time you just watch him beat your 350 out of the guy he's like there's 25 there's 50 bucks and like just when it's like a dominating fight like uh masvidal fought usman usman's this nigerian like wrestler yeah and he's nasty i mean he's he's like the best and masvidal i was like hoping he could land like a knockout or something he took the fight on like one week he was just an underdog so i was like fuck yeah 100 bucks on masvidal let's

and he just got like did you did you watch uh khabib versus conor mcgregor i saw parts of it he just dominated him the whole time yeah that's all it was usman just like grabbed him and stomped on his foot every single round. Just toe stomping. He fights like my dad. He hugged him against the cage. Yeah. That's what my dad does. Exactly.

That's what your dad does. He stomps on your foot. It's bullshit. So Usman just hugged this guy against the cage, hit him with shoulders, and stomped his foot. Oh, dude. For three minutes. Where's Usman from? He's Nigerian.

I don't know if he's from there. Okay. But yeah. Damn, dude. It really sucked to watch Just sitting there Just like alright Because I lost every fight Going into that

Ugh And then I was like Dude Masvidal's gonna win it back for me Just slowly lost Just sitting in a fart house In the Poconos With a bunch of people With a bunch of people

Who by the way Who are mad at you right now Really carried over that hate During the golf course Back home So what were they doing Cold shouldering you? Some slight cold shouldering When I was trying to get the fights on By the way, really carried over that hate during the golf course back home. So what were they doing? Cold shouldering you? Some slight cold shouldering.

When I was trying to get the fights on on the TV, they were like, no, we're watching something else. Just like little snide, little passive aggressive. I was like, you guys don't want to watch? I'll pay for it. Let's watch UFC. They're like, no, we're going to bet on Family Feud or something I think they were doing. Damn. Really aggressively.

So you were up against, you had TV control? I watched it on my phone, dude. Oh, yeah. I just sat on the couch and watched my money go away. You alt-tested on the corner? Did you put all the headphones in? No, no, no. Turn it up.

Turn it up. Still established. Still established dominance. So you took over Soundwaves? Damn, dude. Yeah, it was... That's fucking a power. Alt-testing out at a function just being like, and you're watching a thing on a different screen.

Like also these, these dudes who I grew up with and are like, some of my best friends, there's never a moment where someone isn't getting attacked. The whole trip is the entire time. PA's the entire time. Like there's 10 of us together at all times. Somebody was getting attacked.

Never stopped. I don't think there was one conversation. I don't think I had a conversation. Yeah. I think everything was just like, shut up, bitch. Just the whole time. It wasn't really a moment of like, how are you? Yeah, how you doing?

I don't know any of their, like, jobs. I don't know what. It was just PAs. Damn, dude. Yeah. Yeah, I'm telling you, that's hungover golf lifestyle dude just pas like you fucking suck that guy's a fucking bitch it's like no you know dude i'm tired of it and then you and then somebody takes a stand it's like if you say it again i'm gonna fuck you up yeah and they immediately say it and they're like well fuck you no one's gonna fight

it's fun yeah someone just beat the fuck out of my cousin, dude. He got brain bleeding and shit. Really? Golfing all day, drinking all day. Went to the bar. Someone fucked him up. It's fucked up, man. Yeah. Beat the shit out of him.

It's like, yeah. Well, yeah. I mean, it's day drinking. Even if you're golfing, it's still, dude, anytime you day drink. Yeah. My mom was like, I don't know. They were golfing. I'm like, all right.

So drinking since 10 a.m continue like yeah it's like yeah and then you have biden being like well we haven't seen that marijuana safe yet and it's like dude you go fuck yourself man true he's so full of shit true i'm on a quest right now to legalize growing so you know they do the medical thing in pennsylvania right now so it's like basically you need i think i said this you need 250 000 just to apply and then you need to have like an indoor warehouse all this stuff. What I'm trying to do and I think it's this is the time to do it right now is start pressuring local people and saying like look so right now we're going to have an economic downturn. They always do this. They're like oh the state needs money.

The state needs money. So we're going to just do this. Let five people do it. Tax them. Let five people get rich. It's like why not do micro permits. Let like everyone grow 20 to 50 plants who can apply for like a couple hundred dollar permit and then you go to

the dispensary and now there's like hundreds of brands that are in kind of limited supply so it's like you know i'd have a brand obviously matt and shane secret podcast coach that would be out in the dispensary you could have like secret podcast secret podcast then you could have like so you have a bunch of people where like the dispensary now is going right to the money, right? Going to like, you know, smaller kind of businesses rather than five big companies that are already established in Colorado who are like, well, we have the money. We'll just come over to Pennsylvania, monopolize the whole weed market. Then the state gets paid off of it. But it's like you could let the people who live here get paid off of it, tax their money.

The state would still get a cut. And then all of the citizens here would be getting a ton of money off the weed profit. I don't see why they don't. It's weed profit. I don't see why they don't. It's fucking bullshit. I don't see why they don't do it. So I'm going to start pressuring local representatives. And so I'm going to start doing my thing I was doing when I do the journalist thing where I call. I'm like, just let you know this call is being recorded. And to start talking right away.

And just absolutely clobber them. There's no reason why they shouldn't do this. And they're like, what about the black market? It's like, well, it eliminates the black market. If you let everyone participate in growing and selling marijuana, the black market fucking goes away. It's like, why would you take the risk when you can just do that legally? You know what I'm saying? You tell me.

Dude, I'm telling you, dude, I might get into local politics. Just be warned. Just be warned. I hope you get assassinated. I hope you're running for, like, alderman and get shot in the head. I'm going to get assassinated by Cresco Labs. They might hot shot me. They might give me some sort of, like, I don't know, maybe some, like, Tangio G.

Just fucking dust it with fentanyl and I fucking go down. It's possible. I hope. Cresco or Terrapin could take me down. Are those the weed? Is that big weed? Cresco, Ilara, Standardera standard farms i kind of like them terrapin not bad either i've talked to them before i called them i kind of i call these companies and

bug them i'm like what do you put on this you actually do this why i mean i just kind of i think it's bullshit that there's only five companies it's like so in order to grow weed now you have to it's it's illegal unless you're incredibly wealthy then it's just like all of the people who are in jail for it, they're still in jail. But if you have a ton of money, you're allowed to do it. And the, uh, yeah, so it's just bullshit. And they like, so it's like, I could sit here and use, they're like, well, you need all this capital to start up. It's like, yeah, because you guys only do indoor grows.

It's like, I have the sun, I can grow weed. I can put this in dirt and it'll literally just sprout up. You know, you'd do a little bit of work, but so they're making it. So you have to grow weed i can put this in dirt and it'll literally just sprout up you know you do a little bit of work but so they're making it so you have to grow weed indoors you have to waste a ton of energy when in reality like everybody could just be doing this in their backyard so like they start it becomes it's not a criminal issue anymore it's like all right you're letting rich people do it what are you gonna run for i don't know i'm just gonna i'm just gonna probably just bulldog reporters and probably someone will give me a bulldog politicians i'll probably just i'm just gonna bully them they Give me your fucking job.

I'll probably bully politicians so hard that they're just like, all right, dude, you can do it. Just come into my office. You're like Al Ducha. You're like a Mussolini. You're a strong man. Yeah, I'm a strong man, dude, for sure.

You're coming at me like, give me your job, dude. Trying to grow weed. Let me get that. Are you going to... What's going on with healthcare? Are we going to get some universal? I think so, yeah.

I don't see why not. Dude, I'm deep right now in a post-modern philosophy hole on youtube it dude i got oh yeah what is what is going on here dude i got so the other night i got jacked up on i think his name is john bellajar it's like john bellajar or whatever i don't know everyone on the youtube thing too i've watched a bunch of his videos there's so many nerds who are like great pronunciation of his last name it's like dude shut up you fucking dorks you know what that? That fucking War on the Run book I'm listening to, the French and Indian War,

they get the pronunciations so accurate that I can't. It's like, dude, I can't make that up. Because it's a bunch of French dudes. Yeah. So it's like, at which point, Commander Jean-Cyprien Thelon-Stanvonville ordered three battles into the... I'm like, I can't even...

Why would you do that yeah this sucks dude why are you talking like your tongue takes up your whole mouth i also have all right sorry go ahead no please you want to know what else is fucking me up i so i'm done with warhammer yeah okay this is a big announcement you're done yeah i didn't really like it as much as i thought what happened to the green what happened to the vampires it just it was pretty gay. Yeah. I liked it. It was fun at first. But then it's just kind of gay.

So that was my review. Four stars. Four stars. Four stars. It was cool at first, and then it was kind of gay. Downloaded Three Kingdoms, Total War. Masterpiece.

Really? You would love it. You would fucking love it. I bet. It's ancient ancient china and each character like the generals had like oh mongolians the mongolians no mongolians really you like that there's no mongolians the mongolians don't show up that's just you being french right now it is i'm pronouncing it exactly right yeah um But they do pronounce the Chinese names exactly correct.

Really? Which really fucks me up. It's impossible to read Chinese names. Yeah, it's pretty hard. Like L-I-U, like Liu Kang. It's like Liu. That's why it is. Liu.

E-U. Do you know any Chinese? And there's also, I think there's like 26 different pronunciations of like the syllable A. It's all. Well, I can't speak Chinese 26 different pronunciations of the syllable A. It's all... It means I can't speak Chinese. What are you laughing at? You getting hit with some comments?

How's our sound, LeMaire? Would you tell us if it was bad? Oh, dude. Yeah. People are loving the sound. Yes. Shane, someone said no. What?

Because of Mongolians? We're back. I think you can say i think you can say mongarians you can definitely say mongarians comedy central airs the show that says mongarians like every day what what's your park true yeah yeah how does south park how do they squint i mean it's easy their money your money same reason these people don't get canceled like jimmy fallon fucking all them money machine they already have they're established and rich yeah you can't get canceled. Like Jimmy Fallon, fucking all of them. Money machine. They already have. They're established and rich.

Yeah. The only way you can get canceled is if it's sexual. True. Oh, yeah, yeah. You have to rape. You have to. It's a rape. It's a rape to get banished from the game.

You have to rape. Yeah, you can say Mungarians. I think you can say Mungarians. I don say i think you say mongarians but um i don't think there's a lot of there's not a lot of mongarians you're going to be like yo man what the fuck it would just be a choice i wish they would a couple yeah i don't i don't wish they would you're gonna unite the step dude they're gonna come back at you the step is that's what i keep trying to pick though because you can pick a warlord from anywhere in china i always try to get this close to the steps those dudes with like the fur yeah exactly get me fired up but yeah there's uh it's i keep

trying to say their names it's very frustrating i can't figure out the names of these fucking cities or whoever i'm fighting it always says at the beginning it's like because it gives you directions of like what general might turn on you who are you friends with and shit i immediately i can't i can't differentiate any of it. It's like Leo Biao. You're like, wait, is that a good guy? Is that, which one's Sun Biao? Sun Biao or Sun Zhang?

Really? I don't know. I'm having trouble with it. I wish they would fucking speak English. You wish they'd come in like General Matthew Turner. Yeah, I can remember that. It's like General Abercrombie and his men. Yeah.

I can remember those guys. Anyway, sorry. No, that's a tough battle, dude. The new move, fuck Warhammer, it's Three Kingdoms. Did you ever hear about... Till next week. So I was reading a thing recently about the CC... Obviously, too, our problem's not with Chinese Americans,

it's with the communist party in China. Yeah, we hate communism. Well, I was reading a briefing from the FBI, and the guy gave a speech as he was like to be clear we're not against chinese americans but the chinese government is an evil communist force blah blah do you hear about i think it's called operation fox hunt i want to say or allegedly the chinese government will find american chinese americans and come pressure them and be like, yo, fuck you, dude. Come back.

And they'll try to blackmail like prominent Chinese Americans and it coming back to China and in China. No, that's dude. That's what I heard. The FBI put out a thing being like, if you feel like you're suspect, if you're being suspect by Operation Fox Hunt or whatever, let us know. We'll come be like, shut the fuck up. They just like hit you up.

We'll hit you up. They like find like Lucy Liu compromise. Yeah. They'll try be like, yo, China, shut the fuck up, dude. What, do they just hit you up? We'll hit you up. They find Lucy Liu? Yeah, they'll try to compromise you. Like Lucy Liu. Stupid bitch. Like just some dude on a bike rides by. Yeah, it's like AZN Identity. True.

They'll come by. Don't say their name, dude. They'll get us. That's a war I don't want. I'm pretty sure that's the thing you should be taking out. No, AZN Identity rules. I think they do rule. I don't appreciate them calling us pink pigs i don't like that i do any any ethnic group

basically white power is so funny dude anytime it's like asians like asian superiority it's hilarious pretty fun what did you hear or like lamenting who their women date like those fucking bitches dating white pigs it's pink bitches dude you hear about Tucker Carlson's right hand man went down how he was he was getting wild in the forums typing like all kinds of wild races it was his top like that was like his top dog dude they got they busted his like pseudonym or whatever he was using in these forums someone got the doss on him online he would like leave writing things for fox news be like america think about this and you go home and be like these motherfuckers these fucking

black motherfuckers keep crying holy shit he would leave a job writing like that basically like shaping the national discourse in america and just go home be, dude, black people say they're tired. Why don't they fucking try sleeping a little earlier? Tucker's awfully tan. Have you seen him lately? Tuck? Yeah. Well, Tuck's gone on vacation. Tucker's definitely tanning, which is,

maybe he's just doing it to, like, imitate Trump. Like, maybe he's like, this is cool. I'm going to start doing this. Yeah. Wait till you see him, dude. He's, like, Jersey Shore level tan. It's, like, fucking insane. Oh, dude, he's about, this is cool. I'm going to start doing this. Yeah. Wait till you see him, dude. He's like Jersey Shore level tan. It's like fucking insane. Oh, dude, he's about to go on vacation. But he still has O'Connor's hair.

Dude, Tucker is Chris O'Connor. It's fucking, every time I see him, I'm like, look at O'Contact up there. In what world? Obama? He's his opposite, dude. He's Nega O'Connor. He is, dude. How do you say that?

Might have said that wrong. Like a Nego prison? No. What am I looking for here? LeMaire, please? Take a stab. Nega. Thank you.

Didn't want to get that one. You're ice skating right now, bro. You're fucking teetering on the edge. He's Nega O'Connor. That still doesn't sound great. Go ahead and stay away from that one. The ice is cracking under your feet. It's like when you see a movie

when someone goes out on the ice to get a ball. You're like, no, no, what are you doing? Don't go on the ice at all. Don't try that word. Just leave the ball. Just leave it there. True, that's acrobatics, dude. With one false Freudian slip or just like a...

Especially we're live right now on YouTube. Bro. This is without a safety net. Yeah, dude, but I was reading about the FBI now is declaring kind of like a soft war on China. Spud brought up some valuable points when I had the guy on the Patreon. Spud's like, dude, we're done with ISIS. Now China's our new enemy. This is what we're doing.

It's, you know, fair enough. But they're also saying that they'll send students here and, like, they'll get, you know, the whole time, according to the FBI, you'll get, like, a Chinese student who's, like, a transfer student, goes to Harvard, gets, like, works for, like, an American corporation, gets access to trade secrets,

and just bounces and is going right back to China. Well, they've always done it. I mean, not just China. Everybody. I think the Bin Ladens studied it hard. You can look it up. They were at McDonald's being like, so how long do you dunk these fries? Yeah.

Yeah, for real. They go to American schools. Do they do that? The drive-thrus over there? It's like, Al Akbar. It's like, Al Akbar, what can I get you? I bet in some yeah they definitely do

they toss you have to toss in Allah yeah what's funny is I was let me get the Baconator psych I was I sexted with a lady

and I was like oh like God like I said God I was like like sent a picture and I was like God that's hot

yeah but it just made me laugh thinking like if I was Arabic it it's hot yeah but it just made me laugh thinking like if I was Arabic it would have been like praise Allah like you get a nude and you're just like

Allah inshallah so fucking good how great is Allah nice pussy in the shower that's a way comey a response

to a nude being like God I know now they're both pretty comey it's tough to sexting is nearly impossible i don't like it what do you mean i enjoy being a part of it but i don't like having to say things yeah you know what i mean oh yeah text to be like dirty because you see a nude it's like how do you even what do you say back double tap heart

yeah that gets or just shut it to Be like, dude, what on earth... What would possess you to send you naked pictures of you unprompted to my phone? That's assault, brother. I'm not going to condemn these fine women. I'd be like, knock it off. What are you talking about? Like, what are you doing?

No, no, no. Please, beautiful angels. In Salah Allah. Thank you very much. No, I would be like, stop it right now. I say, thank you, please. I'd report to... You know, you can go, stop it right now. I say, thank you, please. You know, you can go to the authorities for that. I say, the prophet.

That's a misdemeanor, forcing someone to view pornography. You could go to the authorities. You could be like, I'm calling the police right now. The cops would fucking laugh at you. Some guy DM'd me a picture of a dick that was cut open in half. Okay, so what's up? His or Noah? No dick that was cut open in half. Okay. What's up? His or Noah?

No, it was just a random guy just sent me that, so he's definitely listening to this and laughing right now, which is why they do it. Which is why they do it, because it made me laugh, because I was at the dinner table with my family. I think we were just about to sit down, and I checked my phone, and I don't know why. I saw an image, and it was like, click accept if you want to look at the image.

Yeah, I always accept. On Instagram. So I accepted it, looked at the image. It was just a split open dick. That was it? I just put my phone away. Oh. And ate dinner with my family.

But it was funny to think of some dude. I was thinking to myself, why would a guy send me that? And I was like, literally for this exact reason. Yeah. Where I'm sitting down with my family and I'm affected by some stranger online. Just like, ew. I don't know. Yeah, you're going to get a bunch of flayed dicks now.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't try to stop my angels from sending me beautiful nudes. I'm just trying to keep law and order in this society, dude. True. I haven't got to get fucking. Will you abolish the police? Do you know how many nudes you're going to dude you're gonna get fucked up gotta call the cops you should save them all go into the briefcase and be like officer why is nobody doing anything

to stop oh man i've been uh yeah i've been battling bay on um well we've had we've been having a classic power struggle which which has been going pretty well. Dude, I've gotten really good at – right now I've been working on this whole idea of just combating non-biological fear and just not giving things that aren't biologically based any sort of biological attention. So if something – Someone sent you a split donk. Someone sent me really split that's that that would trigger your biological systems i'm talking more about like uh i mean but yeah it's not a bio it's not a real biological threat so it's like i i whenever something happens that disturbs me i i try to really blow his nose

really loud i try to warm modes down in the bullpen they're ready they're warming up they're ready to get i always try to think i'm like is this an actual biological threat if it's not a biological threat it doesn't require biological response on my part so embasement she'll start hitting me like dude we've been she i mean it's a classic conundrum that whole toilet seat thing where it's like it just in theory it just doesn't check out it's like all right i'm gonna lift it up so i don't pee all over it for you and for you and then it's going to be clean enough for you to just simply lower it i think i have a theory you know this is kind of freudian but i think when women have to lower the seat you're triggering like for like tina's envy i think they're being like i can't just i even have

an extra contraption because of my sub you know my my inferior i'm lacking yeah i'm lacking my body sucks yeah if i'm lacking so i think because i was like, look, I'm lifting it up in deference to you. And if I remember to put it down, I will. But you can't freak out if it's up because it's like I moved it up so there's no pee on it for sure. All you have to do is just simply drop it. Dude, I'll hear it from the basement. It'll just slam down. And it's just like, what's the rationale?

And then we'll be talking and then it'll be like, you know's like well you know i had the kid more it's like dude i hear you you know i'm working full-time and she needs your boobs to eat i can't feed i don't have i don't produce milk that's bullshit just because i'm a woman it's like look if you want that you want that all the way don't be slamming that it's such bullshit stuff but it's like there's no reason that that should be a thing that all women are just like, yeah. That's ridiculous. Wait, you don't think women should nitpick? I don't understand what the seat thing is.

I can't even imagine why they would pick something so insignificant to try to fight you. In 2020? In this political climate, dude? I mean, as powerful and kick-ass as women are, a toilet seat pretty much tends to always defeat them. I don't understand what that is. They're usually so unstoppable and kick-ass. Dude, I mean, they're I don't understand what that is. They're usually so unstoppable and kick ass. Dude, I mean, they're fucking, they're hitting it, they're going, they're all the power meetings.

And all of a sudden, the toilet seat's left up, and they're like, oh, my day is ruined. I can't understand. Dude, I dump in truck stops consistently. Sure. I don't want to hear it about one toilet seat being left up. That's what I'm saying. It's like, have you guys ever been in a fucking...

Hell yeah, LeMaire hit me with the... I've been trying to get to the bottom. Most times, guys are just like, oh, guy-girl stuff. left up that's what i'm saying it's like have you guys ever been in a hell yeah hit me with the i i've been i've been trying to get to the boss most times guys are just like oh guy girl stuff oh you're sorry ma'am and that's i'm like what is this hang up here there's no p on this seat you gotta you have no problem lifting the lid then if there's my bathroom where i just like i leave it up all the time because i'll just i'm like i'm not using this one i'm gonna go over here because i don't want to hear it she'll put that one down no problem and it's like what what is this what is this symbolic battle we're having it's like you know so we the power struggle has been nice but the whole moral of the story is i've gotten really good at when i get confronted with these things

piss all over the seat i'm gonna piss all over the floor sometimes i do accidentally piss all over the floor i piss all over the floor consistently. Yeah. Like, once a week, I'll take a leak that's, like, a large percentage of the beginning of the piss was just straight either to the back. Like, dude, I'll open the piss with just straight up on the, like, back of the toilet. She had a basket, like, behind her toilet. Like, a party at, like, someone else's house. What do you do? Just piss all over someone else's, like, bathroom. I've done it, yeah.

You've got to clean it up. Oh, I thought you meant like – Well, I used to go into public restrooms and pee entirely straight. I just skunked them. I used to go into a public restroom and pee as much stuff as I could and just walk out. Especially if my friends were in there. Like you go into a stall, they're at the urinal. You just piss directly onto the floor.

On their foot, yeah. We used to do basketball tournaments. We were playing CYO basketball. Someone's in piss directly onto the floor on their foot yeah we used to do a basketball tournament we were playing we're playing cio basketball if someone's in there you'd pee on their sneakers yeah always uh i was laughing because the toilet dispute you guys have i have a similar one at my parents house right now me and uh slam and sarah slam and sarah sosa who's like bedridden because she's going through chemo you're fighting right she is her bathroom back by in her room near her room but it's the only bathroom on the first floor yeah so obviously i'm going to crush it as often as possible dump

dump it on the first floor is nice you have to dump on the first floor yeah i'm not i'm not because the other one's just up in like my parents room that's parents floor yeah i do like this like especially sanctuary my mom's doing like laundry on their bed i'll come in and dump in that just to it's funny so you're a proximity dumper i'll occasionally do that just because if she sees me going near the bathroom she's like no go get away go it's very funny but uh no slam and sarah got hit with a hard one today so you hit it i hit a fucking i fucking hit a fucking spray on the back. You know what I mean? And I flushed it, and it didn't go away. So she had to deal with the spray.

So I just left it. I was going to clean it with the fucking toilet bowl cleaner, because it is disgusting to walk into a bathroom and see someone shit plaster on the back of the toilet. It looked like you threw up. But I figured she was going to sleep for a while, and I laughed to myself thinking she's going to see this while I'm in Philly, and it'll be funny.

It was right before I left. Yeah. And as soon as I got out of the bathroom, she walked in. Oh. She yelled. She shrieked. She was like, hey, this is fucking disgusting. How do you always shit like this?

I was like. Oh, my God. Yeah, that's the dispute at my house. We both had toilet fights with women. Yeah, man. Again, it doesn't really... Mine's just because I'm fucking painting. I mean, if you bring up a gender-based rule in your house as a dude,

if you're like, well, look, you're a woman, I'm a man. They're just like... They go full fucking Liu Kang dragon, dude, up in the air. But it's like, as soon as they're like, just put it down. That's all I'm asking. It's like, well, why? You know, whatever. True, dude.

And, you know, a tale as old as time. But that's my theory. I think it triggers penis envy. They look at it. They go all the way through their steps. They're like, damn, I never got to bone my dad. That's like the first step. That's what I'm going to do.

That's the electric complex. They're jealous that we get to bone our dads. That's where Freud got it wrong. I was like, they're like, I'm going to start telling people, I'll be like, dude, it's so crazy. He thinks we all want to fuck our dads or moms. And people are like, yeah, I know. I'm like, I always wanted to fuck my dad.

I always wanted my dad. I always wanted to bone my dad. Rump. Well, that's the theory, that you want to bone your mom, but the price you pay, if you're that you want to bone your mom but the price you pay if you're going to try to bone your mom your dad's going to catch you and cut your dong off yeah i don't know worth it i mean i guess risk yeah would you risk it if six-year-old you that's a sick theory that the fact that a bunch of scientists in vienna like 1907 were like

it checks out pretty good damn freud must have been like a bully yeah he had everybody in the room be like he's like you want to fuck your mom right and they're like yeah it's dr freud yes dr he was he was a bully yeah he had to be mean if he if you if you convinced a room full of grown men to be like i believe the theory that we all want to fuck our moms and we're afraid our dad's gonna cut our dick off that off. That's his classic critique that people were like, I don't, like, his, he had Young, he had a bunch of these dudes who were, like, at his disposal and he's like, you guys are going to carry my legacy? And they were like, I don't think this is all about, like, coming near our mom.

He's like, nonsense! And he'd pass out. He used to faint a lot. Good. Yeah. I'm not a fan, dude. A Freud. I don't like that.

A fainting? It's just a wrong theory. He got a lot of other stuff right. He got a lot of stuff, like, really before his time. I know he did. I think he was like the father of it. Yeah, pretty much. But that was one he wouldn't like.

They were like, just let that one go, dude. Just let it go. He was just like, fuck it. I'm all in. So, yeah, I kind of respect that. They're like, dude, all of your stuff's revolutionary. Just let this one go. But when I was a kid, I did love my mom.

Really? Yeah. That's the thing, too. When I was a little kid, I loved my mom. Yeah, your dad noticed? He probably, yeah. He was probably like, he'd fucking give you a quick fucking dick punch. Like a kindergartner.

Fucking pervert. Oh, yeah. But now, no, I wouldn't. I mean, hand stuff, maybe. Yeah, that's where you're standing. But no, I wouldn't fucking. No, I don't think I would. Shane, do people want to update on the Kleenex situation at your house?

Kleenex situation is unchanged. However, I have switched tactics now that it's been brought up by so many people and I've been critiqued. Also, my jerking off has slowed down quite a bit. Really? Yeah, I wasn't home for like two or three days. So it's been a week since we discussed it. Tissues, yeah, they restocked. The tissues haven't been touched since my secret mission to throw five tissues in an old box.

Tissues have not been used once. you've been easy on them i've been taking it easy on nice yeah i've been giving the kleenex a little break is that it where are we at time wise uh you guys are you guys are 55 minutes uh and people want to know about dog girl oh find out we'll find out there's there's rumors yeah we see. We'll see. Yeah, we'll see. Just keep your phone on you. That's all. Just keep your, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Keep your phone on you tomorrow or something. Speaking, actually, of, we can take, this could take us out, dude. Are you familiar with the anti-pet movement? Anti-pet movement? Yeah. I was just thinking about it the other day. Really? I was, every time I get on Instagram, everybody's got a new fucking dog.

Yeah. There's too many pets. That's something you can, that's like the new wave of what you can get on Instagram everybody's got a new fucking dog yeah there's too many pets that's something you can that's like the the new wave of what you can get on if you want to be on like the early early train

where like you can tell people that like owning a pet is fucked up and that like you're like you know you're telling it when it can eat telling it when it can go outside

and in reality this is what this one I was reading this one dude's blog he's a vegan as well he was saying that like he's like you know I have a couple of rescue animals, but at the end of the day,

if there was two dogs left in the universe, I'd let dogs be extinct before I kept them as pets. He's like, that's how strongly I feel. So there's a movement. You can start calling people out. It's kind of fucked up doing an animal blog. Pretty tight. I might get on that.

That's good. It's kind of fucked up. I like that you jumped to, instead of just, like, going vegan, being like, I think, you know, factory farming is fucked up. You're just like, dude, pet, having a pet is slavery. Literally, that's kind of what they're saying. They're like, we are just in, like, a dark age where we don't realize what we're doing,

but, like, the fact that we're just, like, having and housing dogs is like, it, like, destroys them as animals. And there, there is science behind like domestication, like absolutely destroys animals. Like it fucking. I had this thought yesterday. Did you really? I was,

I went over to Fart McGuire's to do Peloton. Perfect. And when I got done, I was just sitting there looking at Riggins. He's a, he's a big dog. Just, he just sits in a living room all day.

Yeah. He just sits there. He breathes hard constantly. He just sat there. I was like, damn, dude, this is his. But he's a dog. It's a good life, dude. That's the thing, too.

Like, if there were two dogs left. He's in an air-conditioned living room. And then occasionally someone throws tennis balls to him. He's chilling. Not bad. That's a dog. He's happy. Yeah, I don't think. He doesn't want to be out in the. Not bad. That's a dog. He's happy. Yeah.

He doesn't want to be out in the woods foraging. It's kind of a non-starter. I mean, it is glorious for them to be able to run around like that. Yeah. He's got a big-ass yard. He goes and – It's a hot take. Look, if there's two dogs left, I'm not breeding them.

It's like, so you're going to let dogs become extinct? It's like, I'm a vegan, bro. What do you want me to do? But they're just such a weird flame But they're uh They've done study produced on studies on chickens because they're trying to figure out how the chickens are having a rough time Chickens are having a row having a negative experience Well, so this is what they try to figure out

They're like look because they're they were trying to like, you know, this comes from like they're not being enough food but they're like well, if we you know eventually they started making tons of profit, but they're like We can take so you study chickens you track how many eggs they lay. So you're like, you would think in theory, if you take all the top layers, like all the hens that lay the most and put them together in like a little box, they put them in. They would then, no pun intended, the box. If you put them all in a box, you would think if you screened out the top layers and just let the other oddballs that just lay one egg a day or one every three days. All those losers.

All those losers die off. So they did an experiment where they'd have top layer, medium layer for the eggs and just a total oddball. Some of them didn't even lay eggs. They would just kind of be there. Freaks. Weirdos, losers. Losers. And then you do nothing but top producers.

and then you do nothing but top producers the ones with the like differing like layers of hens actually still let's somehow produce more eggs and like just nothing but top dog hens who lay more a day so there's something there's some function a hen who doesn't lay any eggs plays a weird function in chicken world so when you try to like mechanize nature too much they're saying like it actually works yeah so they have to like let loser hens live in like their little three by five cells which is pretty fucking funny dude i i the first night in the pocono's they ordered wings i had 25 wings yeah probably roughly it's like 12 chickens it's crazy how many it's crazy every time i every time i plate of wings, I'm just – every once in a while I'll have the thought of, like, this is seriously an entire chicken coop. Yeah, dude.

It's a family. Like an entire generation of chickens. And I'm like, oh, this one sucked. Do you like BC on yours? Do you like one boners or two boners? This is how I eat them. Look at that. You get the one that, like –

there's, like like the drumstick shaped ones and the weird like ones that are shaped like a, I don't even know what they even look like but like the,

you know the ones you have to like split apart? two boners. Two boners, that's what I'm talking about. Flats is the correct term. Flats, yeah,

it's like I guess I'm like, what a fucking stupid part of the, you don't like two boners? No, I don't like the two boners. I don't like the flats.

I love wings. I might wear wings from this. The other ones, I can stick them in my cheek and just spin it and just like completely suck all the heat off. Well, you gotta get good with the two boners so you can do that. Yeah, which is a mess. I gotta bring wings from this. The other ones, I can stick them in my cheek and just spin it. It's like completely suck all the meat off. Well, you got to get good with the two boners so you can do that. Yeah, which is a mess.

I got to bring my other hand into it. Like I can be doing something. I can eat regular wings with one hand. Yeah, I can. They should genetically modify chickens to turn that part of their body just into like rather than having a stupid thing. They 100% are. That would be awesome.

They absolutely are doing that. Do you know a chicken that just had two like wings like these? Yeah, like the dogs. But yeah, man. I have a hard time eating chicken wings when I'm really stoned. That's when I start like being like I'm ripping flesh off of a thing. Like I have dead flesh in my refrigerator. And like I'll start – I'll get into smelling meat. I'll take it out of my refrigerator and just smell it.

Even if it's fresh. While you're high? Yeah, sometimes or just sometimes regular. And I'll just be like – smell it and be like, God, that's dead meat. It's dead flesh. And I'm just like, ugh. And then I just cook it up and I'm like, it's pretty good. True.

Meat does rule. Every once in a while I try to get like gay about being vegan. Yeah. And then I'll just think about how much wings, dude. They rule. I mean, I definitely eat, I mean, I don't like Hooters wings very much. We used to go there when I was younger because, you know... Hooters chicken fingers.

If you get the buffalo tendies, some of the best. What is the chicken finger? That's like breast, right? I don't even know. I think chicken fingers are like hot dogs of chickens. It's just ground up chicken. I honestly, for a second there, I was about to start trying to figure out which part of the anatomy a chicken finger was.

I was like, is that like their full wingspan like what is that what cut is that um fuck i had one more thing whatever we'll slide into the page i have i still have the dos on jambalajar dude words really oh yeah that's right it'll be a good page talk anyway the patreon's about to be war mode yeah brother boys billion spot are coming up here. So that'll be on the page. Are there any sick-ass questions on there? Yeah. No, everyone was just really concerned about Dog Girl. Why?

What do they want about Dog Girl? Horned Dogs. Oh, yeah. I got called a simp for it. I'm getting called a simp for Dog Girl. I've had enough of that. Why'd you get called a simp for? Because I liked one of her pictures on Twitter.

You hit her with like a gorgeous I said You said baby you're beautiful No Gorgeous Anyway I don't have to explain myself So wait someone tracked a like Well I don't want to be mean But I liked the picture because it made me laugh

Sure It was like her pantless with a dog over her vagina And you were like And it was like where did my pants go literally said where did my pants go her username's like jenna dog girl or something yeah jenna people are trying to ship you guys they're trying to ship shane and dog girl what's that mean like put you guys together in a relationship is that possible i think i don't know i think we'll find out we'll see man we'll see what's

in the air we'll see how if love is in the air. Me and Dog Girl, if I can take a girl to the mall and make her drink out of a food dish. It's pretty fun. That does rule. If your girl got off on just being like completely degraded. Yeah, like bring her to Thanksgiving

and put her under the table with the other dogs. Do you have dogs at Thanksgiving? Yeah, for sure. Where they stick their head between your legs? Like while you're eating just a dog's leg you gonna fucking

drop anything yeah I mean I wonder how I put a dog girl down with like there's the kids table yeah there's the adult table

and then there's just dog girls under the table she's in like a fighting for scraps she's in a pornographic oh there's just dog girls there just like three different

you can have a wife and a dog girl all good dog girls dude if dogs become that's why I was vegan guys on too he's like look if we extinct dogs we can just have dog girls you have a wife and a dog girl? Dude, if dogs become... That's why I wear these vegan guys on too. He's like, look, if we extinct dogs, we can just have dog girls. You can have a bunch of thick-ass dog girls. That'd be funny too.

Someone's checking out your dog girl. I'm like, you got to start feeding that thing, man. That thing's ass is nothing but bone, dude. True. Your dog girl needs to be thick. A little chihuahua. Yeah, you need a thick... You need like a Staffordshire dog girl, dude.

Get a big mastiff? A big dog? Sorry, that'd be awesome, dude. Get some minis. What if they have police dog girls? Oh, dude. Like bomb squad dog girls in Iraq just send out dog girls to defuse or snip out IEDs?

I would do that. You mind if my dog girl starts at your car? I'd just be like... True. I would do that. You mind if my dog girl starts at your car? I'd just be like. True. I'd be full of it. True. How's that? How's that for questions?

Anything else? No, not really. I think those hornballs are just looking for dog girls. She does like porn shit, right? Getting called a simp does. It's not fun. Getting called a simp? Getting called. Someone was like, yo, fucking simpingping our king simping for dog girl just because if you like a like a pornographic picture yeah no

and it was funny too because i didn't even like i liked it being like it'd be funny if people saw me liking this i saw it and then everybody saw it and i was like ah that wasn't that funny just called you a simp well i really came up on everybody i know's timeline it was like shangulas liked this tweet also why not it's just a nude the nude with a thing yeah yeah i mean that's uh i mean look everybody's trying to get in the way of me and dog girl that's the true everyone's trying to stop everyone trying to be like oh you're a simp you're a fucking pussy if if you like girls you're a simp well the here's here's the thing if if that's the realm if she she's in that pornographic cam realm, it's coming where somebody's going to make you take a video to shit outside.

You think Doll Girl's going to have to dump outside? If it hasn't happened already. Or on the carpet, dude. What are you saying? You're saying my baby dumped outside and someone filmed it? I mean, if she's in the business of sexual Doll Girl, then a big part of that is like her patreon oh my god what do you want me to do like dude like shit on the

rug and then have someone come in and scold you imagine if you walked into that room just a thick dog girl dump on the floor how bad that room would fucking smell. And her just sitting there like... I'd be like, all right, enough of this. Just right away. Just like, we're done. No more doll girling. Just call her her name right away. She's like, get up, Vanessa.

What are you doing? You're going to human name her? Immediately. You can't human name a doll girl, bro. If a doll girl dumps on the floor, you have to human name her. Time out? Get up. Stand up. You need to human name her. Time out. Get up. Stand up.

You need to say for it for sure. Fuck, that's too funny. All right, so we're going to slide into the page, which is war mode. Yeah. And before we even get into that, their beliefs and comments have no reflection on us. We do not agree with them. All right. Yeah. not agree with them. All right. Yeah.

Disclaimer. Sick. Oh, yeah. I got to plug fucking Ohio. I'll be in Cleveland, hopefully, the 23rd, 24th, and 25th of July. And then still on the books,

even though I think the governor in California said no. So you can't do it. I think American Comedy Company is still saying, fuck it, we're doing it. That's the American Comedy Company. Nobody can stop us. That's the American Comedy Company. True.

In fact, they're getting pretty brazen about it, which is making me laugh. They call them like protest shows, so that we're allowed to do them. Really? Yeah, but then it's like, I don't know if I should be sharing that, dude. You might need some boog boys down there. You're down in San Diego? Yeah. San Diego at the end of July, the 30th 31st and then august 1st so cleveland and san diego and then 6 7th and 8th of august in minnesota i think in the i think in the mall of america minnesota will be nice minnesota is gonna be sick

uh allegedly the 14th and 15th at Rhode Island Comedy Connection. Allegedly. And then the end of August, also allegedly. 27th, 28th, 29th, Laugh Boston. So. Damn. So what happens? Come to those.

They're buying tickets. I guess it's one of those things, like if you get canceled, you get your money back. I think so. What about the ticketing service? What sucks, though, is shit will cancel cancel and then they'll tweet at me. But what the fuck? Like, what the fuck, dude? I tried to see you and you weren't.

Yeah. I would have. I'd like to be there. Philadelphia is trying to say that there can't be any. They're banning public events until February 2021. Mayor can't. It can. Right now, I think there's a little bit of things going on.

As long as I got three kingdoms. Exactly. I think there's as long as I have going on. As long as I got three kingdoms. Exactly. I think there's, as long as I have the Shred app and I can go down to the basement, work out every day, and still have a fucking spare tire around my stomach, I don't know how. Hell yeah. All right, we're going to go into the page, I think, like, now, right? Yeah, we'll slide in pretty quick.

We're going to take, like, a break, maybe. Sometimes these get some Mortal Kombat going, and it ends up being an hour longer than we wanted. Spud had a couple of requests. What was it called? There was a certain word for it. His rider? It's not his rider.

It's actually more geared towards people who are on the spectrum. So Spud has... My brother sent it to me. It's an access need. Spud has access needs. So he wants the lights dimmed. Did we get any brews? No, I can go pop some bruise for yeah we're gonna do that um so i think there's gonna actually be a night cast with war mode yeah it's gonna slide so it could be some pretty hot takes if

you want to see us 528 yeah get in there um yeah go to the might be chill who knows go to patreon it's definitely not gonna be chill zero chance this is chill all right thank you for listening