Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 306-Spuddoula

Episode Date: July 22, 2020

Shit's still pretty weird. Luckily we have Gettysburg, the track, gluten free deep-dish pizza's, dogs, babies, baes, and most importantly...each other.  God bless. 

test test evil fuck hippie 36 shots to 18 shots and I lose evil hippie that counts shots on goal? yeah those are shots on goal 36 saves 34 saves

were you sending them to his glove or no? no dude it was all over this guy was 3 off the post they don't even count one goal taken off the board I mean this is that should have been 8-0 true how would that been 8-0.

True. How would that be 8-0 if I got four goals? You stink. Well, my goalie was horrible. Carter Hart must be like a 50 in that game. It's insane. Yeah, you got a bad pick. Keep those stats right now.

Well, we got to see what they were at the beginning of the year because they're not updated. If they're updated, Carter Hart should be pretty good. I thought you were being cocky picking the Flyers, being like, I'll beat you at the Flyers. I can easily beat him with the exact same teams. We can run it back. I'll win by three goals. Let's do it.

We'd have a new rule, no playing games for the Fly Guys. I'm done. No, when we bring up the team, Chell, that's going to be unstoppable. How good is that spin drift, though? This? So good. It's very lemony. Yeah, man.

It's just lemon juice, too. I don't know when you guys are ready, and I'm going to count down. I think we're ready. I think we're ready. Yeah, I'm good. I think I'm ready. Five, four, three, two. How the hell are you, Shane?

I'm fucking ticked. You don't look proud about that. I'm mad, dude. Just lost NHL. But think about all the times all the times just lost in each else. Well, there's the first time I lost Yeah, but think about all the times you won That that's not what a champion does bro true I Stick to my I stick to my theory because I've seen you just be dominant in video games every time I've seen you play I think one of your ancestors actually did something on these grounds. I

Think there's a Gillis curse that only as soon as you walk in here... How dare you? You just... No, don't bring my ancestors because your ancestors were scum. They weren't scum. They were hard-working people.

They killed children in the Schuylkill. Something happened. It was an accident, dude. They killed the children in the Schuylkill. It was an accident. A kid slipped. Look, I outshot Noah the Intern 36 to 18.

Time on attack, 10-4 minutes. Face-offs, like 30-3. And he won 4-2. You know what they don't count? Grit. That's what they don't count in that thing. Shut the fuck up, man. Noah's an evil hippie.

Officially an evil hippie. He spent the week camping and then immediately scored a goal in NHL and was like, fucking suck a dick. Absolute evil hippie He spent the week camping And then immediately scored a goal in NHL And was like Fucking suck a dick Absolute evil hippie Spends a week in nature Fucks in a tent for a week And then immediately

He talks shit during a video game Noah's T might be too high True From the woods His T from the woods And his sex in nature His Native American heritage Damn dude

He saw a big pale face Sitting on a couch We got fucking scalped bro He fucking night wolfed you dude He did Damn, dude, he saw a big pale face sitting on a couch. We got fucking scalped, bro. He fucking night wolfed you, dude. He did. Fuck. Noah, how did that feel being in nature?

Did you, like, notice anything? I felt very worn out. Why don't you get one with the soundboard? Figure that out. Oh, fuck. we're having fun I'll be alright I apologize LaMare

I think I might have microaggressed him why you PA'd LaMare I thought I think I microaggressed him I didn't realize I brought a culturally

significant food choice oh yeah I noticed he didn't realize I thought that was his plate was on touch downstairs he didn't know

it was for him and I thought LaMare thought I was-aggressing him. I was like, I'm not eating this fucking bullshit, this fucking asshole. Wow. I'm still just sitting down there, La Mer. What food did you get that would be a micro-aggress?

I brought a rotisserie chicken. Classic. And I was going to get pineapple, and then I saw sliced watermelon, and I said... Perfect. And then you remembered. No, dude. That's what happened.

He was at Whole Foods about to buy pineapple. You think it was implicit bias? I think, yeah. You were just like, oh, yeah, That's what happened. He was at Whole Foods about to buy pineapple. You think it was implicit bias? I think, yeah. You were just like, oh, yeah, La Mer's coming. Which I don't like that stuff. I don't know how. That's such a bum rap. In terms of a food combo, I mean, you just ate it.

How good was it? It's the best. It's better than chicken and pineapple. Yeah. Pineapple's a little acidic, although that kind of might help with digestion. No, I've said it a thousand times. Every negative stereotype against black people is I have it. Literally, I cannot be like, oh, man, I can't believe they're, what, sleeping in?

It's like they love fried chicken? Yeah. What can I knock them for? True. How dare I? Yeah, it is kind of. Just attacking food is a bum move. It's like, oh, eat rice.

I'm like, I go through like five pounds of rice a fucking week. Twitter hits us honkies with like unseasoned. Unseasoned food. I don't like that. That's kind of the key to good health, though. Everything can't be delicious. If every meal you're eating is delicious, you're going to die. You can't have a delicious meal every meal.

I need to write that down. I eat exclusively. You know what I had for breakfast? What? Cocoa Pebbles. That's delicious? Delicious. That. You know what I had for breakfast? What? Cocoa Pebbles. That's delicious? Delicious. That was the first time I had Cocoa Pebbles in years.

How many bowls do you have? Two. Two. Responsible. That's actually pretty responsible. Two is responsible. I wonder what the Cocoa Puff blood limit is if you're driving. Have you eaten a boxer?

I just had a couple bowls. Dude, if it's like a remotely... Choco meters all the way up oh i uh it was funny my sister came out she's she came out of her room slamming sarah slamming sarah so it's a came out of her room to try to tell me to tell me not to eat first off she yelled not to eat the cheesecake there was like an entenmann's like one of those things fuck so i immediately went for that did you you know that cheesecake existed? Didn't know.

As soon as she said don't eat it. Failure on her part. I went right for it. How much did you have? Just a corner. I spared her because she was actually like, don't eat that. Yeah. So you had a little bit.

So then I opened the cupboard for some cereal in the morning and found two boxes of Cocoa Pebbles hidden behind the life. She hid them behind the Life cereal. Plain Life or Cinnamon Life? Just Plain Life. An opened, probably expired box of Life cereal. No doubt. Hid two unopened Cocoa Pebbles. And then I found them.

I was like, oh, what's this? And she's like, don't fucking touch them. And I was like, yabba-dabba-doo. She kept yelling yabba-dabba-doo at her. So, yeah, Slammits Air is probably... That's the morning. That was this morning. What time did the cheesecake

incident occur? Right at breakfast. It was like the... Did you make cheesecake and Cocoa Pebbles for breakfast? No, it's like a breakfast... What's that thing called?

Is it a cheesecake? The Danish? Yeah. It's a breakfast food. Dessert. But no, it wasn't... Double dessert for breakfast. No, I didn't munch the appropriate amount of the Danish.

How much do you have? Like, literally like a... So this was a cheesecake Danish. A bite of it, and then she was like really adamant not to eat it. So I was like, all right, I won't. Just a teeny little sliver. And then I stumbled upon the pebbles. And sent her back to her room.

What'd you eat after that? Just the pebs. So you're running on a slice? I'm running on Cocoa Pebbles and Tiss. Now you got the Tiss. Now I got the loss at NHL fueling me up. I'm pissed. But yeah, it was funny because I was like,

also she helped me stay at Two Bowls because she immediately started, she went to the bathroom and got sick because she's doing chemo. Yeah. So, like, while I was yelling yabba-dabba-doo at her and taunting her to eat her cereal, she, like, went and started throwing up. I was like, I feel horrible. And I was like, Jesus.

So then you poured yourself – I got it. I got it. I'm going to have two bowls. All right, only two. All right, two and a half. I will say two and a half because I added the little extra. Pre-existing milk.

A little add-on, yeah. What's going on here with the – Nothing. You guys are good. Cool. Damn, dude. That's fucking wild. Big morning.

So that's wild to me that you were able to eat that breakfast and then just drive here, no headache, no like – I would feel like – Two bowls of Cocoa Pebbles? If I eat like sugar for breakfast and try to do anything, I feel like hollow. I just feel like – Well, it's not like I was doing anything physical. True. If I eat sugar for breakfast and try to do anything, I feel hollow. I just feel like... Well, it's not like I was doing anything physical. True. If I had to do something physical, yeah, that wouldn't have helped.

But no. What are you talking about? Cocoa Pebbles is a part of a very balanced breakfast. It's candy, dude. True. It's not candy. If you were to have... Well, they show Cocoa Pebbles with a picture of a grapefruit, two eggs.

They're like, part of a balanced breakfast. It's like, yeah, if you have all the other shit. You eat a banana. And you ignore the rest of the cocoa pebbles yeah that's good that's good man that's a good start i actually didn't really i had uh i'm wanting to talk dude i had my own problems this morning so i was on i wasn't going to eat like i knew i was having diarrhea so i don't mean to start every podcast disgustingly but i had i had a gluten-free deep dish when i was in chicago all weekend yeah great dude a gluten-free deep dish with and dude i don't eat cheese either bro people don't know this about me this is a dark it's my dark side all my food allergies i try not to tell everyone about matt

made up food allergies a while ago and he sticks to them obviously didn't dude it's very serious remember when gluten allergies were all the rage matt Matt caught it then. Yeah, right, dude. Not even. My mom caught them in the 70s, dude. Imagine that. Talk to my mom then, dude. Damn, she caught it in the 70s? People were like, you are full of shit for like 40 years. Oh, my God. About 40 years.

They're like, you're a fucking psycho. Then it comes out as real, and they're like, my whole family's like, I still think it's bullshit. Oh, damn. Damn. So she didn't know what it was she was just like every time i eat bread i feel like shit eight seconds she read this weird like alternative health book someone my i think my aunt b is a nurse so she hooked her up with this book like hey there's some shit i read about damn so it was like my mom was like i'll try your family is unforgiving relentless dude yeah so but yeah so they just thought she was but she's a girl too so that's It was like my mom was like, I'll try it. And your family is unforgiving. Relentless, dude. Yeah. But, yeah, so they just thought she was weird.

But she's a girl, too, so that's like kind of. That helps. As a dude, it's tough, dude. Literally, it's just people are like, it's in your fucking head, bro. And you're like, all right, whatever. Yeah, just don't worry about it. Yeah, and it's like. You don't worry about it. Yeah, exactly.

Don't worry about it. It's in your head. I'm perfectly content. But the. So I get a. It's really sweet, dude. My bae looked up all the Gi worry it's in your head i'm perfectly content but the uh so i get it's really sweet dude my bae looked up all the geodontas in uh in chicago one does gluten-free deep dish we head there before the flight it's kind of selfish in my opinion yeah to eat a bunch of cheese as a person who doesn't really eat cheese either and then hop on a flight damn dude

it was the whole way backwards the masks actually i say, they kind of filter out farts pretty effectively. I'm not going to lie. Damn. That's true. The masks and the noise of the plane. The plane has become the perfect fart. Sure. The noise on a plane wasn't even an issue.

But I also was listening to headphones, so I could have been slipping. I don't know. And, dude, have you flown recently? Not since February. Dude, it is awesome. Flying is the best thing in the world. There's nobody at security. No one sits anywhere near you on a plane.

You hear that, ISIS? It's first class. Yeah, exactly. True. Dude, they'll be like, yeah, sure. They'll look at their visa. Where are you going? To destroy Western democracy?

You're like, yeah, here. You haven't been to China lately. No. But, dude, long story short, I ate the whole fucking deep dish i ate most of it and i was how big of a deep dish are we talking i mean it's kind of racist but they only do small for gluten freeze so it's kind of fucked up where's this going so they only do like a personal size but dude for deep dish it's actually perfect yeah like if you eat the whole thing you will feel disgustingly full which is what you're going for with pizza.

But the – so I ate it. I saved two slices, ate them in the airport. Dude, this morning I was walking my dogs. Full code red. I usually go all the way around the Eastern State Penitentiary. I made it to the Eastern State Penitentiary, which is like a four-block dedicated move. As soon as you – you can't turn back. You got to go all the way around that.

I'm talking to the phone on Spud. I'm like, oh, my God, Sp spud i have to fucking shit bro and he's like he's like dude i've been here before yeah i was gonna say spud's the spud's probably honestly the worst guy to have on the phone there it was perfect his advice would be you know he was go to a bush and shit oh it's the thing i was like damn dude i shouldn't have the pizza he goes no no no whatever you do don't think about what you ate that's giving you this diarrhea that'll only intensify it yeah he's a good he's a good like midwife dude so he's like a midwife he's a great midwife he might be a diarrhea he might be a doula he might be a diet doula dude i should start doing a thing like a hot tub center you did a natural fucking diarrhea

you get a hot tub dude people dumping in hot tubs oh like i've been afraid i went dude i was afraid of that i had i had a slight case of myself i'm summary Like two weeks ago. And I went over to swim at my friend's house when his family was on vacation. And I had to fart. I was in the pool. You were going to squint?

And I was like, dude, if I shit my friend's pool when he's not there. You've got to clean the whole thing. You have to leave. No, you've got to clean it. I would leave it. You've got to change the filter. It's a big deal. Yeah, you can't shit the pool. But I wonder if you can shit the pool and just leave.

You can fuck the filter. You've got to, like, shock the water. It's a process. We've had the McCusker pool has gotten shat. The McCusker pool. Yeah, dude. So people have shat the McCusker pool. It's been little kids.

But a little kid, I think one of the little kids shat the McCusker pool, and it was definitely, it was like a, you have to dump a bunch of chemicals and shit. Neutralize the dump. So you had the doula on. So I had the doula. Thank God I'm talking to Spud. I'm telling you that's the worst guy possible for the race well the fun the funny could be yeah i mean first of all he's like stop thinking about what you ate last night that was

kind of helpful because i'm like i started thinking about i'm like it was so much dough and it's just all just pushing through i had so much to absorb and like push through it's a deep dish but the fucking uh so he told he was like dude you you're gonna make it he kept telling i was like spud i really don't think i don't think i'm gonna make it home he's like, dude, you're going to make it. He kept telling us, but I really don't think I'm going to make it home. He's like, you're going to make it home, dude. He was like, trust me, you don't want to enter the dark arts. He's like, you're walking your dog sale? You might be thinking, I could just shit and pick up my own shit with the dog sale.

I knew his advice would be horrible. I knew. He's like, you don't want to break this seal, dude. He's like, you don't want to enter the world of, like, accepting the fact that you're going to shit your pants and deal with the consequences. Oh, it's making me laugh so fucking hard. Oh, man. He's like, next thing you know, you're shitting near a bush in the park. Your dog's trying to eat the shit that's coming out of your ass.

He's like, you don't want to go there dude trust me the dogs has he experiences he's shit in the park i'm pretty sure yeah spuds he's a van shitter he is if you listen to the first episode he was talking about in advance i haven't dude you gotta just go in a bucket because especially on a construction site. If there's no porta potty, there's people who are like, you can't use our bathroom. You've got to just bull rush that. You have to say, listen, you can call the cops. True. I have to use this bathroom.

They won't call the cops. They always won't hire you back. They'll be like, dude, we told you. It's fucked up to hire someone to work in your house and make you can't use our bathroom. Oh, you mean at someone's house? In a residential thing. I thought you meant like a site in like a city. I thought a starbucks would be like no you have to buy something you gotta rush that i'm done no i think there's i think there's an addendum in the constitution where

like you can fully override a store i'd be like you have to be a customer just be like it's giving quarters to soldiers true it's in there also i learned this but the reason for that is because they all had diseases it's not because like every Every time I remember, one of the things was like, we don't have to give quarter to soldiers. It's a law. So it is a law. We have to give quarter to soldiers? No, we don't.

What? We don't. We don't have to. But in those days, you did. England would be like, oh, this army is going to live in this fucking town. True. You have to take care of them. But they would all have smallpox and kill the whole town it's not for some reason in my mind i was like people

were probably like annoyed they just had some british dude on their couch all got sick they all got but it was it was actually much more serious it was because an army back then had wild re they all had re sure anyway so also to the guy probably fucked your life dude if you put up a soldier you're like like, yo, you got a soldier. He's got weapons and shit. You've never even seen red on a piece of clothing ever. Fuck. This dude's got a red coat on.

It's like, fuck. I mean, your daughter's, I mean, it's not even a question. Your daughter's definitely going down. The question is, is he going to take down the missus? And also, it's almost any age daughter is fair game back then. Of course. I was reading about this one dude. He was like, just in his bio, like, well, he was 36 when he married his 15-year-old wife.

It's like normal. Gentleman. He was a senator. I guess not much has changed. True. You know what I mean? Yeah, man. That must have been fucking nuts, dude.

You're sitting there. Some dude shows up in a color you've never experienced on a person. You're just like, whoa, what the fuck? And then he just basically. He's like, yeah, I'm living here. Me and my boys are living here. Oh, and then he's just outside. You wake up.

He's just out doing drills and shit or just like might be taking a shit in your yard. What the fuck, dude? England sucks. England does suck. Damn. So what happened? Did you get home? Got home. Got home.

Got home. Was on the phone with Spud. And I'm not going to lie. I'm like, Spud, I don't want you to hear this, but I kept him on for just long enough. Just to hear the blast? Yeah, you got to hear the blast. You got to hear the liftoff. Dude, totally sprayed. You know, sprayed out.

It was pretty nuts. And then I hung up. Brittany called me back. I sprayed out. Slam and Sarah. Slam and Sarah's going through chemo with me and you're shitting you're shitting worse than her just an absolute raccoon just out going through her food eating shit dumping her yeah she's having i might be worse than the chemo right now you're shooting

i might be more of a pest a sex pest dude we don't joke about that no i know sorry it's not even funny. I can't believe he didn't really ever. Sexually pest. Didn't even take a break. Did they ever break that down into like exactly what that is? Sex pesting? Yeah.

It's just being a short dork trying to fuck people. Trying to get pussy. People are like, ew. Ew. Stop bothering me. Stop pestering me. Seth's probably innocent. Free Seth.

True. Yeah, I mean, I think he would probably get drunk and just be like. Yeah. Write some weird shit i wish someone would look at me the way the lock settles yeah that boy i wonder what sex pesting is if you think you might be sex pesting don't do it yeah you know only ask for a blow job if you absolutely know you're going to get one which you can only do if you're married which you can just ask you won't get in trouble for that yeah there isn't a lot of yeah i don't think they really have that you can when you're married you know a lot of married dudes are like i'm gonna give my wife a couple extra glass of wine tonight

i think that's cool i think i'm about to rape my wife after this boy i i don't think i think once you're married it's like you know that whole alcohol conundrum goes away if you're both oh yeah i wonder how many dudes have like roofied their wives. Not roofied. No, but I mean roofied. Oh, actually roofied their wives. Yeah, it's like a sick move. Be like, come on, babe, let's get out of here.

These fucking assholes. Yeah, just while she's watching like HGTV, slip a roofie into her wine. It might be talking about chemical bondage. If you can get your wife on page, if you get your wife down, you can do chemical, like light chemical bondage and just get, if you get good g source get slipper a little ghb i'll repeat the dude i know who died from that last year how did he die ghb on his birthday i don't know what ghb is it's a it's like a club drug it's like a date rape drug it's like super it's a super cheap drug that you can just drink like the top the smallest bit and you'll be like, it's like you're like drunk.

Oh. But he was already drunk. Slam some G with his girlfriend, die on his birthday, R.P. One of the saddest ways to die. I think the dude was like 36. Yeah, that's a bummer. That's, I mean, it wasn't really my boy like that, but I heard about it. Yeah, obviously.

Damn it, fucking sucks. You're saying a story out here laughing at him on YouTube. I mean, it's pretty fucking funny. Yeah, it's funny. It wasn't my boy like that. I walked in, into his uh dwelling a couple times and i didn't like the vibes going on there bro why there was it just you know it's like evil hippie coke den bro you go in there and it's just kind of like there was a guy i was like all right man i'm gonna roll out and the dude's like why i was like i was just like i gotta go home dude get the fuck out of my face

dude like sweating just in the ac just like why bro Get the fuck out of my face. Dude, like sweating, just in the AC, just like, why, bro? I was like, I'm fucking out of here, dude. That's no good. Yeah, I already died. So how was the shy? Sorry. I didn't mean to ruminate on that guy's death. The shy was good, but to finish my story of the diarrhea.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Shy was awesome. Got the blast off. Painted it. Painted the toilet. Sprayed the toilet. All of a sudden, my phone rings. FaceTime.

It's Brittany. I said, oh, here's my wife. So I answer the phone i'm like yo i'm like the prophecy is because her cousin prophesied that i would have immediate diarrhea and i was like just let you know i made it for like 12 hours so so i was facetiming her i went to show her my dump i didn't realize she was out she fucking got my azir's pierce which i don't know how i feel about the fact that she's assuming my gender she's like, it's a cultural thing. I was like, is it cultural for you to accept her gender? Or, you know, sign her up?

I think it is cultural to accept her, to demand her gender. True. That's a bone I'll pick with her later on. I'm definitely telling my child, like, I'm so sorry your mother put that on, forced that on you. What, earrings? Earrings. But I wish if she'd have trans to be a man, she could just hang two little dangly crosses. Now you're Elton John.

Kind of win-win. But the fucking – but, yeah, so I'm like – I'm FaceTiming Brittany. I'm like, dude, look at what I did. I was basically like, do you want to see this? I gave her a warning. She was like, yeah, let me see. So I thought I was showing her the dump with a camera. Dong.

It was teenis. Another emergency teenis, dude. This was a teenis after – A sick teenis? Running home with diarrhea. Sick teenis. Dude, I don't think her family was i hope her family was looking at the phone because they're all together so they're at the mall and i'm like i didn't know she's at the fucking mall first of all because we didn't talk about that and i'm like you want to see my dump she's like sure so i go to show her the thing and i go and i'm on speakerphone i go oh no wait

that's my penis she's like oh you're on speakerphone i'm like dude what the fuck yeah and then I was like well here's the dump anyway you showed your wife a penis and then diarrhea I mean the penis was just in the way yeah I like that picture a penis with a background diarrhea that's every t-necks is class photo you know how normally normally you get like lasers in the back t-necks is just a pool of diarrhea it's a pile a pile flown all the way from chicago yeah dude that was uh that was a hard well dude then the worst and to add to my tina shame i don't know if i mean this is like tucker carlson's dealing with being doed right now, so I don't want to doxx myself

with my teen status. Dude, do you ever, I've gotten teenish levels where I'll like pee while I'm, I didn't do, I had, the diarrhea was so severe that I looked down, didn't realize I was peeing. So I'm peeing between the cracks of the two toilets. Oh, that's happened. Absolutely soiled the back of my shorts. That's the worst. That's a rarity. But whened the back of my shorts. That's the worst. That's a rarity.

But when you hit some, I don't know what it is. Every once in a while you have just enough tinnitus to hit between the lid and the, yeah.

It's tinnitus zero, dude. Your tinnitus is like perfect in line with the equator. It goes right through the fucking thing. When it's on the fucking Liu Kang kick,

the tinnitus is just. My tinnitus was at zero gravity. It gets the perfect geometry where it just kind of sticks out straight. It's crazy. And it just fucking shot me right in the face. It's straight, dude. It drenched my N1s, dude.

I slid them back up. It was just like, God damn it. Your N1s. I want to make a penis protector. They should make a seat that has a fucking shield that blocks from any sort of penis eruption. It's not bad. You're not thinking about your penis. like how is it gonna piss out of the toilet exactly it's under the lid it's the perfect angle and then it just bends against the lid perfect angle shot

right there shot me right through the lid dude no i've done that a couple i've done it like i've done that like out to eat at like. Just pissed everywhere. They really should. It's fucked up they haven't designed a thing. In terms of the ADA, they should design a thing for guys with penises that block. They come down. It's a safe. It locks down. It's a toilet seat like this.

A little edge that just blocks off. There should be a cup there. There should be something. Some trough. Like a drip edge. They should have it come like a gutter, basically. A gutter system that runs down. For dudes with sickly penises.

Nervous penises. Yeah, for dudes who just experienced something. I'm glad you brought that up. I've kind of kept that to myself. Yeah. Because I thought the amount of penis you would have to have to do that was so extraordinary that I really didn't want to admit where my penis was at. Look at that.

LaMare's in agreement. Now what? Everybody's like, yeah, I've done it. It's good for everybody to come clean on this. Dude, Kanye's my inspiration. Mine sometimes doesn't even fire out. It just flows. You ever pour a cup and the water comes out along the...

Sometimes piss will just stick to the bowl. What's it called? Surface tension. Hell, it actually will grip. That's why I was just... Never mind. So you'll do... I'm done.

You'll do a... I'm done. You'll fully pee down your whole body? I'll piss down the front of the toilet seat. Like a water slide? Yes. And then I'll be like, holy fuck, there's just a puddle of piss at my feet. I'm like, dude, did I piss?

I thought you were saying you pee and pee leaves your penis and sticks to the underside. I was like, whoa. No, I mean penis is sticking between the lid and the bowl and the piss will just run straight down the front of the bowl onto the floor. 100%. I've definitely made a mess. So wait, have you hit it where it just shoots straight out? I've shot straight out this morning. Straight out.

I've also puddled the floor exactly like you're saying. I've like fully pissed on the floor inadvertently a couple times. It's shitty engineering. Yeah, but they know, dude, nobody can bring that up.

True. Nobody can be, well, whoever designed it would be like, how small is your dick? Who's that? It doesn't,

never mind. It was my kid. My kid does it all the time. That's a good class action lawsuit, dude, to come out. I got inspired by Kanye, dude.ye's out on some super honesty stuff i'm gonna support him dude did you see the whole video yeah i didn't think it was that fucking crazy everyone's trying to say he's like fully fucking nuts i mean what what was what was super crazy that you watched

the whole thing what his takes on abortion free cosby i didn't see the free cosby thing he got he got into Free Cosby. Which rules? What'd he say? I agree with his stance. Give a million dollars to every mother. I think it was hyperbole. Free weed.

Free Bill Cosby. Free Bill Cosby. And pro-life. Yeah, I mean, it's kind of super. I agree with that, actually, most of it. Well, he did say, he goes, I'm saying, this is how Kanye's mind works, in my opinion. He'll say something ridiculous like a million dollars, and then he's like – or like 15 grand. I don't know.

Whatever. He's like, I'm not funding this thing. He's the dragon energy. I'm just putting the guy idea out there. It's very Trump-like. He's good. I like the fact that he's going out there and, dude, when he – they were trying to say that the fact he cried makes him crazy. It's like, dude, he was talking about almost being aborted.

Dude, that's something – Yeah. The thing he was bringing up was basically like look if you're raped i get it like if you're raped i get it we're not going to have it so you're in a back alley it's just i think what he's talking about is like it's like some sort of like sluts rights male and female to be out and slutting around and be like i'll just get an abortion he was like that's fucked up i agree with that i think that's shitty to do. I mean, dude, it's fucked up. It's happened. It happens. I get it.

But what he's saying is like, it's kind of shitty to do. Just to be like, I'm inconvenienced by it. I'm out having a good old, and I'm inconvenienced by this life that I created. He has a fucking point. It's kind of shitty. I mean, yeah, of course anybody that says abortion is bad has a point. But when you're on stage screaming in front of – I mean, that whole thing was nuts. I loved it.

Start to finish, nuts. I loved it. I enjoyed it. I think the person who should be getting more grief is the woman. The white chick who came up. The white chick who came up and, yeah. She's also obviously nuts. He was pretty gracious.

He was like – He was very gracious. He was very gracious the whole time. He was very gracious. He dyed his hair purple because it's the combination of blue and red. Dude's fucking got some ideas honestly blue and red he was purple the purple party i was fucking like fuck yeah dude that's awesome all right i'm if you supported him i was of the three candidates i would probably vote for him i swear to god i would vote for

kanye that's a good vote buddy i really i think it'll just be funny to see him take a chunk of the election and then have people be like trump won because of kanye taking democratic votes and blaming the election on kanye west which could be pretty fun could have been the plan this whole time when you met with trump bro dude they're fighting over the black vote like they study it like calculus dude so right now biden is doing worse the black vote than hillary is you know i think i think black people are gonna surprise some people i think the whole point of the election is to win the black vote i think here's here's what i can tell you and this is the observation i made yesterday yeah when i was touring the battlefield of gettysburg at little round top i saw three hood fucking black dudes

at little round top swag something's going on really that's the strongest shift to black hood fucking black dudes at Little Round Top. Swag. Something's going on. Really? That's the strongest shift to black republicanism I've ever seen in my life. True. Three hood black dudes at Gettysburg

at Little Round Top looking at it like, God damn, look at this motherfucker. Damn. Did you pick up on the chatter? No, I was just like, I couldn't believe it.

I'm talking beaters. They were all in beaters. That's fucking sick. Fitted. I mean, it was. They were all in beaters. That's fucking sick. Fitted. I mean, it was unbelievable. Just doing a little round top. That's fucking awesome. It was crazy.

Surrounded by the whitest dorks known to man. Like fat dudes in high-waisted khaki shorts. Everybody's dad. Just imagine your dad. I saw like 10 dudes dressed exactly like Phil. Yeah. Like button-downs, short-sleeved button-downs tucked into khaki shorts. That's sick, dude.

With some like, you know, New Balance, like, hiking shoes. Yeah. Mid-socks. Just dressed like pussies off the table. Pussies gone. If you forgot about pussy, that's exactly how you'll dress. Yes. Just as comfortable as possible.

Like an absolute gentleman. Comfortable as possible. Just taking a look at the battlefield. And I was with him. Yeah. But I couldn't believe it. You should walk the big boys, what you think? I wanted to be like, yo, what are you guys doing?

I wanted to be like, what are you talking about? I'd like to hear. You'd rush to me like, what are you guys doing here? Well, that was my instinct immediately. I wanted to Karen out. I wanted to make some phone calls to some park rangers. Really? These guys are smoking dope at Little Round Top.

These guys are dope smoking. We're the 20th main charge chamberlain yelled fixed bayonets oh man but dude i was reading i couldn't believe it that's that's awesome it's fucking sick it was i was what no just i'm thinking about it more and more i didn't think about it until right now it's very funny something you notice and you're like huh yeah it was like it's literally the first time i've ever seen that that's true yeah man i mean dude because this wasn't this wasn't like until right now. It's very funny. It's something you notice and you're like, huh. Yeah, it was like, it's literally the first time I've ever seen that. That's true.

Yeah, man. I mean, dude. Because this wasn't like you walk by it. This is like, they were deep in, they were on a tour. That's what I'm saying.

Three bros on a tour. Of Gettysburg. Yes. It's fucking sick. LeMaire, how do you feel about that? About black Republicans? I don't think they were not black Republicans.

I'm saying just three fucking bros at Gettysburg. They love this country. That's nice to hear. The red, white, and blue, dude. Yeah, they might not have been Democrats. I'm telling you, man, I don't. Thanks, Lester. That's good input.

Well, dude, the article I was reading about, so they do polling things where, like, Hillary had, in terms, you take the black vote. Hillary had I think like 83 percent of it. Trump had the other 13 percent. So now Biden has like 76 percent of it. Trump has whatever that is, a little more of that, whatever, 26 percent. And whatever it is.

So the black vote is slowly drifting away from the Democratic Party according to these figures. The Latino vote, forget about it, bro. latinos biden's not doing that well again they still have the majority but they're saying that like if they lose even like a couple percentage points of the black vote if it's a close race that can be they're saying that could be the determining factor i wonder if it so they're bugging out right... Dude, it's so funny to think about the job of a president right now is to get black people to like them. It's like, what is this job you guys are doing? We're just going to get black people to like us.

Whoever can trick black people the best is the president. So there's think tanks... They need to hire fucking Sprite to be like, yo, how did you do it? How the fuck did you shift from just a lemon-lime soda to just like dudes donking to be like, yo, how did you do it? How the fuck did you shift from just a lemon-lime soda to just like dudes donking and being like, Sprite, motherfucker. Like, what happened?

What about McDonald's? McDonald's made the shift a while ago. McDonald's is egregious with it. They're like, you know, he likes grandma's sweet tea. And it's like, what the fuck? This is racist. Motherfucking McReams, man. They had a thing on the radio. It'd be like, oh, here comes grandma.

We better run. And it was like, what the fuck? You remember when grandma used to whoop your ass? How about some McNuggets? Come on, y'all. I heard that commercial on the radio. I was like, dude, is this fucking serious? Yeah, McDonald's.

But what's funny, I was thinking this, too. And this is a risky take. Yeah. I'm going to do it. A little tightrope walk for the people. Uh, so I got, I got a little fucked up at the Grove Friday night.

So you went to get his, my buddy hated it left. I had a great fucking way. Gettysburg and the Grove. That's the, that's the central, that's the mechanics for fucking that's, that's the hat trick.

One more. Did you go down to the Grove? Like the first guy from the Holocaust? You're like, there's black people at Gettysburg. You're like, get out of here. Get out of here.

Yeah, yeah. Well, there's also... Dude, there's... Occasionally, there's black people at the Grove, too. Yeah. Which is shocking.

Yeah, I mean... Because this is the whitest thing you've ever seen. You think. You think you're on your little iceberg, dude.

It's Melanin. True. And then there's Melanin. Melanin. Melanin. I thought Kyle Larson would scare him off. He's like a scarecrow for black people.

Also, Kyle Larson won, dude. Started in the third. He won again? Came back and won, dude. Larson went from NASCAR to just dominating Mechanicsburg's dirt track. Just for saying the N-word on Twitch. Anyway, had a couple drinks at the Grove. It ruled.

Your friend left. My favorite part of the day was my friend's first time. He went sober, though. So it's tough sober. It's horrible. It's just like it's heat. It's just one dude racing at a time for the first two hours. That's awesome, actually.

It gets a little fucking boring. Especially there's cautions every lap because somebody crashes. It's just go-karts going 150 miles an hour. You're trying to entertain them. You're like, yeah, cool. I'm like drinking hammered. You know, it's fun. It's fun if you're drinking, just standing outside and drinking.

I was trying to like show them what the place was like. And then this dude in front of us, because you got to cross this bridge to go into the infield. So everybody's just packed together. And this all, also the sickest shirts possible. Everybody's in this, everybody like intentionally wears their oldest sprint car shirt so it's all like from the 80s god damn rules but this dude one dude was coming from in the infield and the guy directly in front of us was just like yo randy i don't know why it was the uh funniest thing i've ever seen this dude was just like fucking randy and it was like was it his boy yeah it was his boy and he came over

i forget what his oh, it's the PA Posse. That's what you gotta know. You're either team Outlaws or PA Posse. So there's like groups of racers? The Outlaws is a

national sprint car group that go around it's a team of like really good racers that go around and fuck up everybody's local sprint tracks. Is Larson

the guy? Larson could be Outlaws he's not Outlaws right now. He's a free agent right now? I think he's a free agent. So there's just two teams? No, I think this weekend, actually, this Friday at the Grove, the fucking outlaws come to town.

I'm going to be out of town. I'll be in Cleveland, unfortunately. That sucks. I'd like to see the posse dethrone the fucking outlaws, dude. It's very exciting. Anybody but the outlaws chant started? Fucking sick. So you're more of the posse.

The fuck was I talking about? You're more the guy who was like. Oh, yeah. No, after Randy, that's been making me laugh all day. Just a dude dropping a cooler at the dirt track and just being like, Randy. I don't know. Oh, that's awesome. It's not good podcasting.

I think it's good. It's okay. That gives you a good visual of what I'm surrounded by. Well, I would love that. To be able to hit the dirt track, drop a cooler on the ground, and just be like, oh, there's my friend. Yeah, there's my fucking boys. There's my fucking boys.

There's Randy. What up, boy? Yeah, dude, that's fucking. I like that. Yeah, it was fun. But after, so I'm sitting in my parents' recliner, drunk, watching TV. I'm drunk at, like, 10. So you're home early.

It's early night. Well, probably 11, the race end. And I forgot. I kind of forgot about the race war that was going on true you know it happens when you have a good day nice night you have a good day in your actual life you forget about the race war yeah the race war by the media and then all of a sudden there was i was just watching espn and there's just a commercial of like lebron dunking and like all these nba players and it's like together we rise this means so much more than basketball it's just dudes players, and it's like, together we rise. This means so much more than basketball.

It's just dudes donking, and it's like, fuck racism. I was like, oh, yeah, I forgot about the – and then I was laughing just knowing that there's going to be outdated commercials when this race war kind of ends. It's funny to call it a race war, by the way. That's a joke. I know people could be pussies about it. Dude, they talk about racial tensions in the news all the time. Like they're saying like now it's not only COVID we have to deal with,

but now we're dealing with extra racial tensions. That's been a thing in the news is like, oh, the racial tensions are horrible right now. But how commercials are always a little late. It'd be the same as seeing a nurses are heroes commercial today. Yeah, and you're like, what? They're not fucking heroes anymore. Yeah, true.

Now it's people fighting cops.'re the heroes now true but it's gonna be funny to see like an nhl commercial in like two months it's like black power so they don't see the tampa bay lightning pepsi pepsi i think pulled the trigger a little too early on like the uh so like the weird well they had like a fun protest propaganda propaganda, they had like a fun protest. Propaganda commercials. That was like them all showing their cards at once and like, whoa, whoa, whoa, chill that, chill that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Three years from now, relax. And they try to be like, yeah, you're young, you're hip, you're protesting. You love protesting.

Drink Pepsi. Drink this. What the fuck? Drink this shit. Well, it's weird, too, because everyone's giving China – like China's got some weird shit going on for sure. Like do you read about the – what are they called? The Uyghurs? I think you were telling me about that. The Uy we you we we have they're called the weegers right

wait they're getting rid of their weegers they're detaining their weegers dude they're making this ain't fucking cool man yo motherfucker yeah if you say shits for more than like five seconds they come and grab you so the um but yeah they they're detaining them they have like little muslims the muslims yes but it's not all muslims they have some other muslims in china that they are kind of like yeah you can go study with an imam allegedly but they specifically the people in whatever that's called the northwest like yeah um province. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So apparently they'll come, like, you know, snatch you up. This is according, you know, to a leaked document.

So, you know, maybe it's propaganda. I don't know, but I don't know. No, I think they've pretty clearly had camps for Muslims for a while. Oh, yeah, they definitely do. But they're saying they're, like, employment outreach things that are, like, kind of mandatory or whatever. So they'll come snatch you up. It's employment outreach. So it's employment outreach.

It's a funny way to describe a work camp. Well, and they'll also try to make sure that they – it's employment outreach, and they also make sure that you kind of like don't believe like rumors and stuff about the government. So like you go and sign an NDA where you can't say anything about what happened in there, and also like it's not just you, but if any of your family starts talking that mess, they'll snatch one of you up or all of you guys up and make you do, like, a program where you have to, like, sit through, like, hours and hours,

I think, like, months of forced labor where they eventually decide if your attitude's been adjusted properly and you've been properly assimilated in a Chinese culture. So they call it, like, Sino training or something. They don't want you to be like no i'm a muslim and like i'm actually like turkish or whatever and you guys stole our land they're like no no no come here yeah why don't you work for us how about you work for free for a little bit change your

mind yeah dude that's fucking crazy so trump slapped the embargo saying like all these companies all these companies that fuck with the you know this kind of stuff you're benefiting from slave labor and they also say there's allegedly like forced dna sampling organ harvesting and they're saying like you know at worst you say free labor they're telling those companies like nah bro you guys you guys are getting sanctioned people are getting salty about it who's getting salty i forget the company it's a good clothes makers a couple of like fashion guys who are like look banana republic it's it is we need our fucking slaves dude shut the fuck up well it's something like uh it's funny that's a funny name for a company yeah they're like no but the one company came out

the statement it's so funny I have a PR firm to pay them to be like just for the official record we are not about using free labor we are totally against using free labor and we don't use free labor it's like you guys don't have slaves yeah we kind of figured that. What about, when are they going to change Banana Republic, dude? Have they changed that yet? I don't think so. They've got to change that name. They took my Redskins, dude. They took your Redskins?

Washington Redskins have to change their name. What are they now? I don't like it. What are they? I don't know yet. They don't know yet. It should be the Washington Deep State. That's actually a fucking sick name, dude.

Dude, if it was the Deep State, that would be sick, dude. That's a good nickname. Washington Deep State would be sick dude that's a good nickname washington deep state would be fucking awesome that's probably the best nickname i've heard i think they're gonna go with like the red tails what which is also still kind of like here's some native americans some native american bullshit like i don't know what's another washington native americans that'd be pretty funny just showed a picture of a native american we're like what We like you guys. They should switch to green skins.

Green skins. Uh, no, it's funny about that. A dude copy wrote, he got all the names copywritten a while ago. A guy in DC, like a lawyer who knew they were going to have to change their name.

Eventually has like every possible nickname, like the Washington warthogs, the Washington Wolves. Like he has a ton of names that they can't use unless they pay him. Motherfucker, dude. It's a great move. It's a fantastic move, actually. If I was Snyder, the owner of the Redskins, I'd be like,

look, this guy has all the names. We're going to have to stick with Redskins, guys. True. He's been holding off as long as he could. Give us the Washington Warthogs, or we're sticking with their guns. Yeah, dude. It's a fun time. So they changed the thing.

Damn, so are you going to not be able to wear your Washington Redskins jersey now? They can't take that from us. They can't take that from us. How dare they try to take that from me? I mean, that'll be like sick collector's gear. You're not going to be able to have it anymore. Yeah. I'm going to go down to D.C. and demand everyone round them up in those little jerseys.

Sorry, I should have specified jerseys. Yeah, man. Gtysburg was tight i got some cool facts for you what you got uh so yesterday i took a nice auto tour of gettysburg i recommend that for anybody you download a little app on your phone you just drive around the battlefield it's pretty sick it takes you to like stops and tells you what happened there pretty sick they can be like on your left this was going on it's pretty sick. It takes you to, like, stops and tells you what happened there. Pretty sick. And they can be like, on your left, this was going on. It's pretty fucking sick. One guy that ruled was Daniel Sickle. Yeah. He's the man.

He was a general. So the North had, like, a long line. It was a defensive line. Yeah. And Sickle's, like, just ignored everybody and just marched straight for some reason. Got all his men fucking murdered. Is that a Sickle? Yeah.

He got his leg blown off. And then afterwards was, like, fucking General Meade's a bitch. Pussy. reason got all his men fucking murdered his name is sickle yeah he got his leg blown off and then afterwards was like fucking general mead's a bitch pussy he's just a motherfucker but what he's most known for he was the guy who married a 15 year old did he really yeah and then he shot her lover in front of the white house just murdered him in broad daylight how old was her lover uh it's probably like his age his her lover was francis scott key's son what it's a small world francis scott key's son yeah the guy who wrote the star spangled banner yeah he fucked a 15 year old and got murdered song bro got murdered for it we need a new song got gunned down and then

sickles turned himself in and he was the first uh temporary insanity case ever because he was so mad he was so mad when he found out that guy was banging his 15-year-old. He shot him in front of the White House. Was she cheating when she was 15 or was this later on? It was before the Civil War, which is when he married her. So she was probably like early teens or like late teens. Dude, that's a big deal back then because it's like no one had condoms, obviously. Or like late teens?

Dude, that's a big deal back then because it's like no one had condoms, obviously. So it's like your chances of getting like, you know, cuckolded in the classical sense of the word are very high. Yeah. If someone was cheating on you, hitting your sweet little baby up, there's a chance the dude was definitely not pulling out. If you're fucking someone else's wife back then, you just come inside of her and you're like. Yeah, deal with it. Deal with that. I'm out.

My dad wrote the fucking Star Spangled Banner. Do you know who my fucking dad is he get pussy from that obviously was he walking down gonna ho ho fucking a senator's wife so he was walking down like she was like oh that song oh you like this song dad my dad wrote no big deal so that was like the number one hit back then there was just like there was only four songs the top charts were just a four songs and he's like yeah this is the first song so number one for now yeah and then i like those old songs shot in the head in front of everybody for being a bitch what are you shooting with it'd be funny if it was a rifle so then he went and turned he was just like and then he turned himself in and was like i did that bitch i did that damn and then they were and And then I think his name was Seward, I think. He was Lincoln's secretary of war.

It was actually Sickles' lawyer in that case and was the guy who came up with temporary insanity, which is still used today. That was the guy who first invented it. He was just like, Your Honor, this guy was fucking pissed. What would you do if he fucked your 15-year-old wife? The judge was like, I'd be fucking furious, bro. True.

Anyway, that's a fun fact. That's what I got out of my gadget for a tour. Does it still count if someone cucks? I think now you'll get like only third-degree murder. If you murder someone in the heat of passion, it's not first-degree. You can get like manslaughter for that. If you walk in on someone boning your wife. And murder them?

I think you can cap them. I think you can. I think you will get. I think it's like hitting someone with your car when you're drunk. Same penalty. They're just kind of like, hey, man, be more careful in the future. Get back out there. Get back out there.

Yeah. What are you guys whispering about over there? Okay. Noah has to go downstairs. And I was going to say, isn't that what happened to OJ? Maybe, but. I think he chopped her head off. I think he took it a little too far.

I think he sawed two people's heads off. Also, OJ? Maybe, but I think he took it a little too far. I think he saw two people's heads off. Also, OJ was innocent. Where are you going, Noah? Oh, nice. Appreciate that. Good. Our OJ experts here. Sid the Kid. What time

are we at, Lamar? That's a scorcher, bro. I was running hot. Get your foot off me, pervert. Sorry, dude. Sorry. I'm excited. It's a good cast.

Fucking pervert. I figured I'd reward you for a good cast. Did you see the picture of Zuckerberg that's going around? Yes. Dude. If real, that's the craziest man of all time. What the fuck is that? If that photograph is real.

If that sunscreen on his face is real, he is not one of us, dude. He is not one of us he is not but also it could again dude zuckerberg could just be a wildly autistic dude who got billions of dollars true and is calling the shots dude imagine if you knew like a really autistic dude that was like on a boat calling the shots yeah and he started painting his face white you'd be like i'm not gonna say anything see the kid what up bro what's up bro uh we're live right now it's good it's good just throw them in fuck it guys finish this off for the last 10 minutes yeah we were talking about uh mark zuckerberg yeah pull that chair close to you, Matt, so he can be in your shot. Get over here, Sid. That was a real family vibe going on.

Yeah, no, I would pull him, like, right next to you, like, where Billy was. Switch out. Yeah, get over here. Probably on the other side of that. Oh, yeah, here. Switch. Yeah. Switch that tape.

I'll just sit stage crew work while I'm here. That's good. Damn, you're a sweaty man. Dude, I brought another shirt. Like, I knew that walking from the car to this house was going to... Was going to do you? Yeah. Hell yeah. Yeah.

You brought another exact same shirt? Yeah. All right, so we were just talking about wild autists. I'm glad you're here. Just in time. Just in time. Omer there how's he sound what's up guys yeah perfect check the comments too they'll give you the true response sydney what the fuck's up bro not too much man i kind of like this mr rogers neighborhood but excuse me i'm just walking people People just walk in? Yes, just walking in. Oh, who's here?

Look at Noah. That's good stuff. Well, we're setting up for the page, bro. Page is going to be good. Yeah, we're talking about Mark Zuckerberg. You see that picture of him? Picture of him with sunscreen, allegedly kind of bravehearting a little bit out in the water. Dude, full, like, all-white sunscreen face.

You know how people put, like, zinc on their nose or whatever? Full face. You know Ugg from Camp Onowana? Did he have a design, like, all-white sunscreen face. You know how people put, like, zinc on their nose or whatever? Full face. You know Ugg from Camp Onowana? No, just, like, perfectly painted on. Like, it just looks like a mime. He looks like a mime. Yeah, it does. And he's got a fat ass, and he's surfboarded.

Oh, he's got a fat ass now? He's waveboarded. He's got a fat fucking ass. I would say his fat almost looks like... He's got, like, a thick rump, dude. It doesn't look like it's, like, sloppy fat. No, he's got... He looks like a muscular rump, dude. It doesn't look like it's like sloppy fat. No, he's got... He looks like a muscular rump, dude.

He might have got an ass job. If you're a billionaire, I'd get a fucking ass job. Just trans into like Nicki Minaj for no reason. Then trans back into... What's up, guys? Oh, this was fucking me up. What? The same people...

There were people that were born and witnessed the Civil War and World War II in their lifetime. What? Technically. You were old as fuck and young as fuck when the Civil War happened. True. That's crazy. You'd be like 80 and have been alive for both. What the fuck?

And then I was thinking there were people that were born during World War, like in the roaring 20s, and then saw Nicki Minaj and Tekashi69's last music video. And then just died. Died. Like you saw World War II and Nicki Minaj

and Tekashi69's last music video in your lifetime. Holy fuck. Dude, imagine the Civil War one. That's like you watched guys march straight across

a battlefield in a line. Yeah. And then towards the end of your death, a nuclear bomb from an aircraft carrier in one lifetime. And then you just Yeah. And then towards the end of your death, a nuclear bomb from an aircraft carrier. In one lifetime. And then you just die.

And then you're like, well, that was wild. Holy fuck, dude. I didn't even think about that. I basically lived in Game of Thrones. Yeah, basically. There was just magic towards the end there. I got to walk out in time.

There were like Game of Thrones and Tron. Jesus Christ. Like, yeah, they had submarines. Like, what? We had horses when I started. That Christ. Like, yeah, they had submarines. What? We had horses when I started. That's fucking nuts. Yeah. I was thinking about being just like, I saw that picture of Mark Zuckerberg and I was

like, thought about it. And I was like, I don't think, I definitely wouldn't trade places in terms of like, if I had to like be Mark Zuckerberg and be a billionaire or just be myself, I was like, I'd gladly rather be myself than Mark Zuckerberg. I swear to God. And I know this. And I'm like, it must suck being a billionaire. If you're like going to trade lives, people are like, I'm cool, bro.

You got that. Well, all he has to do is not be what he is. He can't, dude. And he'd be fine. He can't. Every time he tries to be cool, he looks even worse. Well, there's no one to – again, again, it is, imagine the most autistic dude you know. Yeah.

And he's the head of the house. He's calling all the shots around everybody. And he has the money to do it. So that's why he painted his face like that. He's out on the boat. He just started putting that on. What the fuck does he know about the sun that we don't? People around him must have just been like, fuck.

What the fuck is this guy just saying? That's how Phil puts sunscreen on. Phil does that, dude. My dad does exactly what Zuckerberg does. There's a pile of it. Yeah. I just saw the picture. Yeah.

They call him in like mid-bigfoot. Yeah. It's like, oh. Yeah, I mean, that must be tough, dude, to be a billionaire and, like, the public consensus. Like, check the public consensus. And they're like, yeah, you can hire the world's best PR firms. They're like, oh, they still think you're a robot. And he's like, fuck.

God, he fucking did it. He's thinking I'm a robot. What if I do a TikTok dance? Would that help? Like, no, Mark. What if I ride a wakeboard with sunscreen proving I'm a human and can be damaged by the sun? Like, they're making fun of you still. Like, motherfucker.

Yeah, man, that must be crazy. To be a billionaire, the people are just like, yeah, that guy sucks. You're like... Not even like Bezos or evil. Everyone's like, yeah, Bezos is fucking evil. Like, just because he's a billionaire.

Yeah. But it's like, would I be Bezos? I might. I might fucking shave my head. Take a fucking cheated-on ex-wife in the chamber and be like, all right, even, Steven. Wait, what was that? Bezos had a cheated ex-wife

he cheated he's an adulterer so I'm not really thrilled with freaky Fridaying that I'm not a big fan of that dude female and male sluts need to be shut down

that's a new fucking thing they have to be shamed and shut down sluts female and male yeah all sluts what's wrong with you dude

just cause you're out of the game now you want to start slamming these beautiful hey I'm telling you oh so once you get married all the sluts need What's wrong with you, dude? Just because you're out of the game, now you want to start slamming these beautiful... Hey, I'm telling you. Oh, so once you get married, all the sluts need to shut it down? Exactly. You're being selfish.

Sluts, keep up the fucking good work. Nope. Doll girls, keep doing your weird shit. It's all good. If you want to use that as your profession, go ahead. I still think... Sluts?

Are you shaming sex workers? I'm not shaming them. I'm just saying you shouldn't do that. It's not good. Dude, I was really wondering. Dog Girl was fantastic. I love Dog Girl. Dog Girl was great.

What I'm stuck on is I think that's going to be the cure for porn. All the amateur porn people are shooting, eventually the kids are going to have to reap that. A kid's going to be online. It's not going to be totally out of the realm of possibility. Seeing your mom naked. You brought that up to the Dog Girl. I brought it up.

I don't think she really want to think about that right now she's having a good time she's young as she should but as i'm thinking it's like a good time now includes almost a public visual record where it's like you know all your thoughts and twitter that's just one thing but you want to go and more and more girls are doing this this only fan shit is like this cam girl stuff is like you know girls i mean you can economically it's a pretty good idea you're never going to have that amount of like, you know, that business of being a hot young chick. You can make it. They can make so much money online.

But the pay, the thing you got to pay for is the fact that your kid is going to be online jerking off. And he might unknowingly jerk off to your body, even if you're wearing like a mask or something. And then maybe he'll figure it out and just be like, fuck. I think that's what i think that's when it's like slow porn down big time that seems very unlikely i don't know dude it's gonna happen more it's gonna happen more and more and more they're gonna see your people you know like your mom your aunt or somebody but i guess you just jerk off to it keep it moving that becomes part of the kink i guess you're just like fuck dude dude. Damn it. I ran into aunt Janet again, which was a six lay.

My family had this. I got, I can't, I hit the Peloton again. Did you really? And, uh, do they do Peloton races now?

I saw like a tour to France on TV when I was eating deep dish, gluten-free pizza. And I saw a bike race that was just virtual characters moving around. I think they're doing like the virtual tour de France putting people on pelotons that makes sense

pretty crazy came home and got accused of sweating like my aunt someone was like you smell like mom when she sweats and I was like

damn what the fuck it's a very harsh insult to my family that's a weird insult you stink like a woman when you sweat that was the insult

they all laughed they all laughed the whole family they're always delighted to see me get hit. So you walk in and just get crushed. I got walked in. I was like, nice. I just worked out.

Everybody in this house has been just laying around. So you're already fucked up. I get to walk in like, why don't you guys do something today? And immediately get hit with, oh, you stink. You smell like Aunt Jan. Something like that. And menopause sweats. Yeah, that's what I got accused of.

Which, you know. You can't win that fight against women, dude. I'm so glad I didn't have to psychologically struggle against women when I was younger. I dealt with older brother stuff, which is like, you know, sucks. It's a lot more physical. A lot more physical.

It's a lot more easy to shake off. 20 years later, I was like, I'm not gay. You know, that's that. I'm not gay after all. Fucking assholes. Yeah, but I mean, getting hit with,

I'm 32. Getting hit with, I smell like a woman when I sweat That would fuck me up That's gonna bother me I'll be in the car driving and be like I guess I do All that's gonna result in is

I'm coming home and crushing Cocoa Pebbles for this True There's gonna be a hard tax on slamming Sarah You're basically the Uyghurs, dude I am You're the Uyghurs, dude You're trying to live your life They're fucking clamping down on you.

My Gilles is a China asshose trying to shut me the fuck down. You're exactly right. They're trying to assimilate me to be one of them. Yeah, for sure. Which is just a farting woman. But yeah, that's what's been going on. Betting on MLS. My incredible streak of losing in UFC betting continues.

It's fucking unreal dude i'm sitting there betting and then you get locked in this thing where you're betting like 50 a fight and your guy walks out and gets his knee broke right away it sucks dude it's suck i'll be like i'll bet 20 on this this guy's favorite i'll win like five bucks yeah gotta win this of course it's fucking one punched get up dude it's the worst it's the worst sport it's the worst sport in the world to watch when your guy's gonna lose from the walk-in to the to the last it's from the walk-in you can be like oh fuck i picked the wrong guy because half the time i've never seen these people fight on these undercards they're all nobodies yeah and then your guy just walks out and the other guy's just yoked just starts fucking up dude oh this is the guy dude this is what i was talking i was on the phone with matt for this one uh fuck who was it there was this black dude from

england he's a kickboxer kais k son uh fuck i forget his name to kasey yeah i was like this guy looks like the fucking man. Yeah. And they're putting him up against like a, uh, just some fucking stumble bum from like, Kyrgyzstan. Yeah,

exactly. Turns out the guy walks out, and they're like, oh yeah, he also, he's like the preeminent teacher in Thai boxing. He comes out, dude,

he was like, he looked like Bane. He walked out, they're like, this is like his second ufc fight i'm like the case he's got to win this this is the case he was like a heavy favorite this guy was a robot he threw the hardest leg kicks and body kicks i've ever seen in my life fuck just mercilessly pounded the casey dude start to finish fighting the third world he was teaching him dude he was teaching him he was coaching him he was coaching the third world on TV? He was teaching him. He was coaching him. He was coaching DeCasey during the fight. Holy shit.

DeCasey would throw a punch and he'd be like, I was decent. And then throw the meanest combo you've ever seen. Like, painful. Yeah. I was like, come on, DeCasey. Come on. I mean, dude, the UFC is a hunger game.

It was crazy. That's hunger games for the third world. Really is. You get to have like, oh, here's a British guy. Everyone knows him. But you can't bet on it like football where like you know you're you can follow like the whatever you can follow like the washington all lives matters and be like you're like all right i know that guy i've watched him in college if you're in ufc you know this guy

from britain like i've seen him fight a couple times and like oh and here comes a child soldier from the armenian conflict and you're just like this could go one of two ways so they're they pull it always goes the same way out of fucking nowhere if you're if you're from one of the stands you're gonna you're a motherfucker true if especially if it's a stand that's not a country yeah like a dagestan or a kurdistan or some made-up stand you live in a disputed territory if yes if you think china owns where i live but i'm not every from chechnya everyone from chechnya or like if you see like one of those countries like Georgia, pick them, dude. They're coming out and they're the meanest dudes of all time.

But then they can escape third world poverty by coming and just beating the fuck out of some dude from England. Yeah. And then you hear, but occasionally you get tricked by it. Sometimes they have a Georgian flag or something like that, but they were raised and born in England. Sometimes they can trick you with that. In a post-fight interview, they have like a British accent.

You're like, oh, no wonder he fucking lost. Where do the scouts go? Do the scouts go to like Dagestan and they just like watch a boy murder? I think they like see someone. It's always like somebody showed Dana White like a cell phone video of a guy kicking someone in the head, and he was like, call him up. Awesome, dude. Yeah.

At the UFC at the one on Wednesday, they literally said some kid showed Dana White a video of some guy kickboxing and he was like oh we gotta sign him yeah and then he brought him in

and he fucked people up he got lost oh wait which one was that guy the black guy from Wednesday I can't remember his name but he lost

yeah black guys let me down this week did they really normally that's like a UFC rule black vs white bet black white vs Asian bet white.

True. Asian versus black, Asian. Wow. That's a tricky one. I had it figured out for a while. Then the Asians started letting me down. They started getting rocked. Girl fights, if it's China, pick her.

She's a robot. She's a steroided out robot. They're like the Soviet Union now. They're just sending athletes that are just roided out of their minds. We need a new Rocky. We need Rocky to fight the communist regime and win. True. Be tight, dude.

But China, I don't think they have any male fighters. Really? Not really. Not really. So they let their women do the dirty work? It'd be awesome, though, if we sent, like, platinum Mike Perry over to China. Have you ever seen this guy? He's a retarded guy.

He's a Uyghur. He's an absolute Uyghur. His last fight at his post-fight interview was like, what's up with taxes? He won a fight and then immediately got on the mic and was like, we gotta fucking stop taxes, dude. This is bullshit. Then he just got in a

fight at a restaurant in Florida. And he screamed the N-word. Did he? Of course he did. He smashed the emergency glass? Shit, I meant to call 911 and not yell the N-word. Did he? Of course he did. He smashed the emergency glass? Shit, I meant to call 911, not yell the N-word. There was no remorse. He socked the geezer with Stan outside. He was like, if you touch me, I will send you to a different fucking planet.

Platinum, he's my guy. He's a grandfathered in white guy for saying the N-word. He's allowed to. He's allowed to, for sure. I think anyone in the UFC, yeah, that's true. Most of the UFC can do it. Conor would be the other one. He's allowed to. He's allowed to, for sure. I think anyone in the UFC. Yeah, that's true. Most of the UFC can do it. Conor would be a tough one.

Conor McGregor would be easy. Yeah. He's too rich. True, yeah. You've got to be slightly retarded. Mike Taylor. I think that might be like the handicap plate. For sure. If you're punch truck enough, they're like just.

You just wear a certain kind of tap out shirt. It's like having Tourette's. It's like, he can say the end. He doesn't need it. Man, that's got to be tough for kids with Tourette's these days. What? If Tourette's is like, say the worst thing possible, especially in today's climate, just hitting them.

It's like, fuck George Floyd. It's just like, damn it. I don't feel that way. We should probably take this into the page. Get it on live YouTube. That's so funny. Oh, I got to pee. Oh, what you got?

It's all right. You caught it? No, that's fine. It doesn't matter. You probably just cost me some tickets there.