Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 309- Homosapiens

Episode Date: August 12, 2020

We told ourselves we were going to record our best episode ever and then we did just that. We're talking Lena Dunkem, Nose breathing, Bullying, Delighting in the teacher saying naughty words...enough talk, let's go!!!! Support the DAWGZ @patreon.com/MSsecretpod Go to a show@ shanemgillis.com/live    

Fucking up, dude. We're in. Wow. Episode 309, 30 whatever. Damn, your eye is fucked up. I got peppermint oil in my fucking eye, dude. You got Lena Duncum's on the brain, dude. Fucking LaMera's leaving us for Lena Duncum's, dude. LaMera is a Lena Duncum's writer.

It's just like, I wrote a brunch scene. Fucking Lena Duncum's must have loved it, dude. Dude, I can't believe Lena Duncombe is your boss. Lena Duncombe. Oh, man. Damn, dude. Is that your sponsor now? That peppermint's in there.

Leaving it out. Let the people see it. Damn, you got peppermint. Man, I brought like peppermint smelling salt. Well, yes. Peppermint oil. Does that come with your fucking crystals? So, no.

You start giving me oils and crystals? So, here's what happened actually. Wait until you get into astrology, dude. I've been into astrology, dude. Astrology? What's wrong with you, dude? You got Duncan on the brain. I have peppermint oil in my eyes, dude.

It burns. So, I started reading the book Breathe. You know the guy who was on Rogi's podcast? My eyes are going to be like, I'm going to have Cyclops eye the whole podcast. So the guy Breathe who was on Rogi's podcast. Yeah. I started reading his audio book. You're all about breathing?

Life-changing, dude. Got to clear up the nasal passages. Not just nose breathing specifically. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How's your nose breathing? So I have a new – how's your – what's that deviated at deviated rough dude hear this airflow that's probably about i probably got 70 blockage right there i was at 80 so my new quest right now is i'm going to cure my deviated septum without a septoplasty how just sniffing oils well it's a couple things i'm gonna do just yeah this helps

this helps me just do uh nose on the front of my nose right now it kind of burns dude this shit sucks no it's good for you dude you gotta deviate it dude are you nose breathing all the time all day every day no good luck good luck rarely yeah i've been i've been like about big fat mouth breather dude i've been four or five days straight. Dude, it's just disease. You should know from researching the Native Americans. That was the Native American secret. They were nose breathers. Yeah, they did well against disease.

Hmm? Well, they didn't have it until a bunch of mouth breathers came in and fouled up the whole scene. Yeah. But, yeah, dude, they – And they got chlamydia. Chlamydia ran through them, dude. Can't blame them. Happens to the best. True. Happens to the best. True.

Happens to the best and most noble. But no, that's how I'm going to get on Gaia. I'm going to cure my deviated septum. You got me fired up on Native Americans, dude. I should have mentioned it. I forgot about Native Americans. I am like a fucking love on the spectrum date. I'm on dates like, have you heard of the Comanche?

Did you know they were bad that show i've decided is the you know that french dish where you have to like put a napkin over your head while you're just kind of like eat a bird you have to hide from god that's that french dish of phil watching it i showed it to phil i used to have to i put a towel over my head and i just watch it on my i pretend I'm just like laundry on my couch. I'm like, puh, puh. Yeah, Phil watched it and was like, aw. Every time they show somebody, they're like, aw. Well, that's the thing.

I watch that show and I go back and forth between being like, that's the funniest thing I've ever seen, like wanting to cry. Then they interview their dad and their dad's like, you've come a long way. And I'm like, aw. Yeah. Yeah, it's a sad one. And then they just say something ridiculous on a date. He's like, I'm waiting patiently. And I'm like, oh. Yeah. Yeah, it's a sad one. And then they, like, just say something ridiculous on a date.

He's like, I'm waiting patiently. And you're like, did you see that episode? Was that, yeah, the kid on the. Oh, that was my favorite. I've been. The hibachi? Yeah, when they're at the hibachi and she busts out the Nintendo GameCube. Yeah.

And she was like, I hate waiting. And he was like, well, I'm waiting patiently. It was like, dude, that was. I was in the shower just saying that to myself. I don't know what made me laugh about that. He got up and did a fucking testimonial like during the date. He got up and walked over to the camera and was just like, well, she doesn't like anime. This thing's not going great.

She was like, I like anime. Just directly in front of her. Dude, that. This fucking arm. I'm telling you, man. Sorry that arm's acting. Ah, it bothers me. fucking arm i'm telling you man sorry that arm's acting ah it bothers me dude so i've been just uh breathing through my nose at nighttime in order to do it you

gotta put tape on your mouth dude i woke up they say first couple nights you're taking like edgy comic headshots at night like putting like tape over your mouth like caution dude who knows what's coming out i could say anything neuters turns out that was the bad one yeah first couple nights are scary you wake up and you're like because my you know it gets blocked up at nighttime and you just wake up and you're just like just pop it dude i'm getting i've made it longer every night i'm telling you i'm gonna cure i already went to a uh what the fuck is it called? An otolaryngologist, something like an ear, nose, and throat guy.

Yeah. They told me I was at an 80% blockage. You hear me right now. I don't sound like I'm at 80%. You sound great. I sound like I'm at maybe 65. Yeah. Maybe 70.

Great. That's air coming in. I used to not be able to get air. So far, I think I've given myself 15% less. I i've reduced from peppermint from peppermint from strictly nose breathing because dude if you're if you're nose breathing all day every day like water will erode like rocks so if you're just bringing in like little water particles all day every day it'll push that little sucker back who told you that because that's this is the dumbest thing i've ever heard no dude i breathe nose all. You think moisture air molecules are going to erode your nose?

If you just nose breathe, that rearranges your whole facial structure. So I'm telling you, I'm going to get myself down, I think, to like 50% obstruction, have the ear, nose, and throat guy put it on the record, and then I'll be like, all right, go ahead with the rest of the rhinoplasty and knock that thing. Yeah, you want to do it yourself. I mean, I could do it myself, but at this point, it's like I'll get to 50 just to get on Gaia. Then once I get on Gaia, I'll be like, yo, Joe Dispenza, what's up, bro?

So you're going to go on Gaia to talk to – you think you need your nose reconstructed to get on Gaia? Yeah, you need to have like a miracle under your belt. Before you write your book, like heal yourself with your brain. The one guy actually like became paraplegic and he can walk again. But if I kind of edge in on the deviated market and it was just like what do you get paraplegic from i think he's got whacked by a car like he was like fucked up dude there was a player from penn state who got paralyzed against ohio state and then they he they were like he'll never walk again and then he ran the team out of the

tunnel the next season or like two seasons but uh they played miami that day and just got beat by like 50 so they had this like real inspirational moment of him running out and then the u just fucked him up fun times at least he still could play he couldn't he couldn't play he sucked he could barely no he couldn't oh so he he kind of like he hobbled out he hobbled i thought he like played and got smashed give him a fucking break dude he did he used to play he was pretty good so he did he just like came in with his head down against Ohio State. And then he rooted. Yeah.

And then he led the team. More radio-esque. Yeah. More of a radio. Gotcha. Because Rudy could play. True. So they were like, we'll get up by like 40 and then put him in at the end and like everyone

will hoist him on their shoulders. No, no, no. There was no even. No, no, no. There was no. He didn't play again. He led the team out the next season. So he walked. Just jogging out. Yeah, I hear what you're saying. He didn't play again. He led the team out the next season. So he walked.

Just jogging out. Yeah, I hear what you're saying. He wasn't in pads. It was a miracle. It was a miracle, but then they got fucking smoked. Then they got crushed. So it kind of ruined the... Yeah.

Especially because then you re-watch it and he hobbles out, fucked up. Yeah. Then they just get smoked. Anyway. Yeah, that's kind of fucked up on his teammates to lose that one for him. Yeah. I would have fought extra hard. You have to fight extra hard.

I would have dug it out, dude. If you got fucking hobbled up, you'd be podcasting my ass off, dude, just to fucking. If you Hawkinsed out and I had to do this whole thing, I would never lose, dude. He's dead, right? Black people are lazy. Man. But yeah, there's sick Native American facts. Now you got me fired up.

What did you get fired up on? Also, common misconception that they had cool names. Don't take that from me. Bro. You know, they do have some cool names like Crazy Horse, shit like that. There was also guys like Peanuts and Stink and Erection that never goes down. That's actually pretty cool. This one lady, this white lady, she got taken and then she had three kids and their names were Stink and Peanut.

They were like, here's my awesome warrior, Stink, and his brother, Peanuts. It makes sense though. They would have like white trash nicknames yeah because you know they basically you got like rocket park named did you really you know i mean like so they would just give you a name you do something wild and they just name you like some lady got abducted and then had diarrhea the whole way because they fed her like buffalo like raw they gave her like a buffalo's like heart to eat to munch on during the journey and she just diarrhea the whole way so her name was like diarrhea that makes sense yeah i don't think they were working with like a robust vocabulary either no so it was it was just like crazy horse

stink fart boner you were just like what it was like it's like being irish and being like john for real yeah there's like five names there's five names there's stink boner diarrhea and then you were the chief and you're like all right i call change my name like john for real yeah there's like five names there's five names there's stink boner diarrhea and then you were the chief and you're like all right i call my name super crazy man of course i'm thunder cat sydney read that book sydney was talking really oh he was like all over that dude he was book rules yeah he was saying he's like you got to do it it's like i will after i fucking heal myself through breathing dude this book is it's awesome, oh, I will after I fucking heal myself through breathing. Dude, this book is, it's awesome, man.

Breathe. Breathe. I can't recommend it enough. So apparently the inside of your nose is made out of dicks. It's the same type of skin as your dick. So it expands, it contracts. Like when you're aroused, that's why women's typically, their nasal, their nostrils flare. If a woman gets like kind of turned on, her nose goes, exactly. Dude, stop nose goes exactly dude stop dude fucking dude you're gonna get a boner if you keep doing

that it's made out of it's literally made out of dick skin so your nose like contracts and expands with your arousal isn't your nose made out of cartilage i'm talking about the inner the inner stuff it's just dick skin it's the same type of material as this what are your eyelids made out of that feels like dick skin you know what i mean ball sack is all ball sack eyelids are all ball sack dude fuck yeah yeah dude i'm going for it i'm gonna i'm going to i'm gonna get rechecked out because i know i got 80 i'll probably again i'll probably clock in around 70 i also every now and again i put my my finger up my nose. Before the podcast, Matt was like, this is going to be the best episode ever. It is. He just hits me with rhinoplasty.

Dude, I'm telling you. He's like, yo, I got this. Dude. That's a fucking miracle. I brought a miracle on the cast. I believe you. You're the Miami Hurricanes, dude. I'm hobbling on the field.

I'm a miracle, dude. You're Sebastian Telefero. I think that was his name. So then I go, the other thing I do is, is you know so i just strictly nose breathe and you know it's been feeling a lot better every now and again brady doesn't like it i'll put my finger like this i'll feel the deviation yeah you can feel it mine's arced in just a push oh feel it moving get some hair up there dude pretty tight people are gonna think we're just doing a bunch of coke or not we're smelling peppermint and i got we're just doing a bunch of coke but we're not. We're smelling peppermint

and I got punched in the nose a bunch of times. Really? You think that's what did it? Yeah. I don't know why. I don't know why I have it. It's a bunch of stuff, dude.

I've been hit in the nose a bunch, I guess. Yeah. Yeah. You're probably a football dude. You use a face mask. No, I've just, I mean, I've been punched in the nose.

Think about all the times your eyes watered from getting hit in the nose. Oh, basketballs. Oh, that was the worst. It's a deviation, dude. God, especially when you got shitty hands. Yeah. Just standing there times your eyes water from getting hit in the nose oh basketballs oh that was the worst deviation dude god especially when you got shitty hands yeah just standing there straight through your hands into the fucking face then you cry you have to cry yeah we're hitting the nose you have to

cry it's like a silent cry time out you're like all your friends see you crying oh man i've only played i've only played like ball. What do you mean? I played CIO. Yeah, that's what I mean. Basketball. Oh, I thought you were talking about street basketball. No, your friends. I just played CIO.

I was friends with my teammates. I was more organized. I was more friends with my teammates. Were you really? Yeah, dude. What was the highest level of basketball you played? I quit after freshman year. I played freshman.

Played freshman ball and then focused strictly on football. Yeah, I tried out for sophomore ball and got cut, so I played at a higher level, I feel freshman. Played freshman ball and then focused strictly on football. Yeah, I tried out for sophomore ball and got cut, so I played at a higher level, I feel like. Oh, no, I did play CYO my junior and senior year. Just fucking around. Oh, for sure. Like, fucking around at CYO, yeah. Those are the days, dude.

Dude, playing CYO high school basketball. CYO is so fun. That might be some of the best ball you can play. It's the funniest ball. Playing Catholic League CYO with your boys. All the kids that weren't good enough to play on the team, but were all dickheads and friends. Dude, we would beat the fuck out of some teams.

I remember some of my friends were very good, and they would do a rocket party. They would throw the ball off people's foreheads and shit. Like start fights with the other parents. Yeah, we used to play a game after. We used to play a game. We'd turn the lights off in the locker room and throw sneakers at each other as hard as we could,

but we'd all make a deal to just throw them at one kid that we didn't like. Yeah, yeah. So we'd turn the lights off and just everyone would just belt this fucking kid. Yeah, fun times. That's what sports are all about. The whole point of sports is to psychologically torture somebody. Yeah, just find a kid. Just find one person. find one kid whose parents are like making him play yeah and just getting his ass yeah we had we had a homeschooler on our baseball team oh disgusting

eighth grade well now it's gonna be the norm everyone's gonna be weird as fuck yeah true this dude was a homeschooler i don't know what the fuck his parents were thinking they entered him into the uh school system at like 7th, 8th grade. It was fucking chum, dude. People were like, you just would see him walk and you're like, what the fuck is up with that kid? I have to throw something at this kid just to see what's going on with him. They put him in in 7th and 8th grade just right when he was coming. Dude, he came in with like a Dr. Seuss nerd walk and everyone was like like what the fuck is this it was to the point hit a hit list was made this was like an extreme bully

situation i mean dude he was on a baseball team so you were just like dude people are woofing balls like he'd be on first base like can you be at shortstop and you basically pitch he made a hit list he made a hit list yeah I was I was number three you were on the hit list I was number three nice man three I made third that's good

I made third on his hit list in elementary school in middle school they wrote an article in the paper about me being a bully really yeah

yeah pretty good that counts as like top five on a list I got publication dude I've only ever gotten negative press dude I've only ever gotten negative press, dude.

I've only ever gotten horrible press. Well, there was a kid that used to get on our bus, and I used to call him Arthur because he had an Arthur book bag. I was being nice to the fucking kid. That's not bad. I didn't think it was mean, but I guess the kid was tortured by it, dude. He was tormented by being called Arthur. the kid was tortured by it dude he was tormented by being called arthur and one day i had the principal called me to the office and had like a sit down and like i had to talk to the kid i think i talked to the kid's parents and then like the next month in the school newsletter it was like bullying handled and they wrote an article about it what yeah dude you gotta get

like we had an eighth grader who was a real dickhead. You got to get that. Yeah. Yeah, I was a, regrettably, I was a hard bully. I was a super hard bully. Not regret. No regrets. Up until.

Being a bully when you're a kid is, I mean, it's not like I was hitting kids. You're kind of born in, yeah. Yeah, like. I wasn't hitting. Just my friends. Yeah. I wouldn't bully the weaker. No, I was, I had a couple of the weakers, dude. I had a couple of the weakers. I had a couple of the weakers, dude.

The weakers. I had a couple of the weakers. Who'd you get? I was never malicious. There was people that, like, it was just the reactions were so funny. And it was just you couldn't stop, like, doing it. Of course. That was the kid who punched me in the face before biology. I was just giving him soft touches.

You know when you go to give someone a titty twister, but you just soft touch their tits they're like i hit him i hit him with a soft touch and he did like full like 80 an hour taekwondo on me he used karate nerd he used nerd karate on me and i just he just struck me in the face twice and i was like a combo on you he did a combo dude literally low knee punch and i was like what the fuck are you doing and then i realized like oh shit i think this kid's actually upset so then i like well i kind of started like all right dude i'm gonna help you out but i ended up just getting him in a fight with another kid oh all right good i remember this good that's the sweetest revenge it's the sweetest revenge

no that wasn't my it was you're crying i have fucking peppermint peppermint in my eye dude teardrops are falling from your face, dude. That's how remorseful I am. But yeah, the... Single tear like that. I was actually trying to help him. I was actually trying to help him. I'm like, look, you've got to fuck this kid up.

Who was actually fucking with him. Yeah. And he got in a fight and lost. And he was asking. He got his fucking ass handed to him, dude. And I was like, oh, shit, dude. You got it. But then someone started calling him and leaving threatening voicemails,

and the principal called me down and was like, I'm going to expel you. We know it's you. We have you on camera at the pay phone. It was just like, I knew who did it, and I was like, yeah. You didn't rat him out, dude. It was a kid he fought on the bus, but yeah. He was calling him. He told me, and I was just like, ah.

He's leaving voicemails? He was calling this kid who ended up fighting, because I actually then bullied that kid and was like, oh, that dude won. You fucking lost your pussy. Sick move. So I had PSYop that really tried to help this kid i just made his life just worse and worse because then i saw that kid in a bit yo you lost and told everyone like yo you're fucking ass kicked by like a pretty like hard level here's where you are dude you're an energy vampire i just figured this out i am too dude there's a show uh you ever see the movie what we do in the shadows dude there's a show it's on fx it's on hulu now fucking rules it's hilarious

so funny but there's a dude who's an energy he's an energy vampire so he the rest of them are like classic vampires and there's one guy that just looks like a dork from an office and the way he gets his power is he drains you so like he'll come in and be like, dilly dilly, how was your weekend? And people are just like, ugh. And then it'll cut back to him and he's like, ugh. But the best part is he'll just start a fight and then sit in the room next door and just be like, yes. All the negative energy. And I was like, dude, I'm definitely just an energy vampire.

Just start a fight and leave. Sit there and hear screams I was like, dude, I'm definitely just an energy vampire. Like, just start a fight and leave. Sit there and hear screams and be like, yes. It was so funny because back then, too, I just wasn't – like, I would start a fight and just ruthlessly crush people and be like, that was awesome. Like, that was so funny. They freaked out. In my head, there was not a shred of being like, is this okay?

It was just kind of like, this is great. I can't believe I got those guys to fight. Dude, but then he started calling this person's house and being like, is this okay? It was just kind of like, this is great. I can't believe I got those guys to fight. Dude. But then he started calling this person's house and being like, where's your son? So he was basically on the CB. Like that one dude. He's not like, I'm going to fucking cut your head off. He was calling and they'd be like, this is blah, blah, blah.

His parents. And he'd be like, fuck you, you fucking pussies. I'm going to kill you. He was talking shit to this kid's dad. Like ruthlessly. From a pay phone. Oh, my God. This kid's awesome.

From the school. Is he all right? How's he turned out? He's a rough one, dude. He has to be rough. That was the kid who came up to me at the soft hop and told me he was on ecstasy, and I punched him in the stomach. Why'd you punch him? Because he's on ecstasy?

No, because I heard you feel everything, and I'm like, yo, is it crazy? He's like? No, because I heard, like, you feel everything. And I'm like, yeah, was it, like, crazy? He's like, yeah, dude. I was like, bam, and just punched him in the stomach. And he was just like, oh, what the fuck? He just ruined his eye. Dude, I was thinking about what a dickhead I was. I was doing the dishes, and I was like, I had, like, a vivid memory of reading.

I remember reading the science book and seeing Homo sapiens when I was little and being like, oh, my God. Oh, my God. She's going to say Homo in school tomorrow. And just like waking up and being like, I'm going to eat my breakfast and be like, fuck science classes. I remember waiting for like 24 hours and hearing her say Homo sapiens and being like.

Did anyone go with you? my cousin was definitely down i called by on the way to the bus i'm like yo teachers don't say homo today there's like get the fuck out like dude i read the signs they say dude i'm gonna sit there like i was doing the i like vividly remember that being like stoked it's game day fuck yeah dude this is why this is what we play for say homo, this is game day. All that work. Now let's have fun today. I was doing the dishes at 34, and I was like, that was hilarious.

That was so funny. Dude, I think in like third or fourth, actually fifth grade, we had somebody come in to give us like a sex ed class type thing, and I remember writing a question. So he would have to say gay. I wrote a question. I said, can,

can boys like other boys? And he was like, now Shane, he, then he walked over to me and was like, did you write that? And I was like, yes.

And he was like, I had to stay in character, dude. I had to be like, yes, I wrote it. And he was like, do you really want to know that answer? And I was like, yes. He was like, I had to stay in character, dude. I had to be like, yes, I wrote it. And he was like, do you really want to know that answer? And I was like, yes.

He was like, those are called homosexuals. I had to like stay in character like, oh, how about that? That's something you don't learn every day. Which is so funny because that dude obviously knew I was being an asshole. He just had to watch a fifth grader pretend to be like

Yes. Yes. Yeah, that was the one, dude. Yes. Yes. Do you really want to know this answer? Yes.

I think I'm OD'd on peppermint, dude. That's crazy. It's crazy we both have that origin story. I'm like trying to make someone say gay. And being like, God, even. That was my whole agenda for the day. I was like, teach someone to say gay. I'm going to look around.

Make eye contact with as many people as I can. Oh, fuck, dude. What's funnier than school, dude? School. Grade school. Oh, my God. My one friend, Dusty, used to pass gas. And he would say that.

He'd be like, who do you want me to pass this to? And then he would get up and fart on their desk. It would be so loud, dude. So loud. Fuck. Oh, it's's so funny it's just so funny because as a teacher you like clearly know whatever you see exactly yeah he he walked straight to me and was like did you write that question you also know too there's just like stuff going on in their house this isn't good you're like sitting there and the guy comes in he's like say gay and you're like come on man what fuck? What events have transpired

to charge you up enough to get in here to try to completely revel in the fact that I'm saying homo sapiens? Oh, man. My sister was talking about your bus stop.

She was laughing about it, dude. The day that homosexual was coming, the bus stop must have been rowdy. You and your shitty hill people. Well, it's also like I read the book. I go to my brother.

I'm like, dude, what's this about? He's like, yeah, dude, homo sapiens. You're a homo sapien. And it's like, I'm a fucking hom to my brother. I'm like, dude, what's this about? He's like, yeah, dude, Homo sapiens. You're a Homo sapien. It's like, I'm a fucking Homo sapien. He's like, you ever fucking know? I'm like, fuck, dude.

Dad, am I a Homo sapien? He's like, yeah. Fuck. I don't think my dad would have even known what that was. If I was like, am I a Homo sapien? He'd be like, hey, come on. No, son of mine. Come on.

Come on. You're a goddamn Homo sapien. Go sit down. Don't be a smart ass. You've been hanging out with your sisters too much. Playing with the dolls. I don't know if my dad would have known what a homo sapien... If I said homo sapien, he would have been like, cool it.

Cool it. Knock it off, dude. Look at that, cracking open a cold one, dude. This is plain seltzer, dude. Doing coke and drinking. Matt's changed. Please, dude. To the audio listener.

Oh, man. Bro. Little off topic and significantly less funny, but... Please, we got here. I cried the other day watching a 30 for 30 on ESPN. What was it? Phil was in the kitchen. Luckily, he didn't see, but I think he heard a voice crack.

Oh. I think he heard a voice crack. Dude, there's a documentary. It's called 42 to 1. It was Buster Douglas beating Mike Tyson. Oh, really? You want to get your fucking juices flowing? What happened? Dude, there's a documentary. It's called 42 to 1. It was Buster Douglas beating Mike Tyson. Whoa. Really? You want to get your fucking juices flowing?

What happened? Buster Douglas was like a could have been great heavyweight. He would show up out of shape. He was kind of like a bum. But he was like he could have been great. He was a monster. And he fought Tyson in his prime. He was the guy who beat Tyson first.

Okay. And he was 42 to 1 odds. That's why it was called that. But every announcer was like was like this isn't gonna go past the first round all that shit in training buster douglas's mom died like two weeks before and there was just cool ass fucking moments in it where like he was talking to his mom his mom called him before the fight and was like don't do this like he's gonna fucking it's mike tyson in his prime like he's killing everybody first round knockouts every single time like scary and then buster douglas was on the phone with his mom he's like mom you should fucking call him i'm gonna i'm gonna beat his ass and he was like as soon as he said that to his mom his mom was like he sounds like his

daddy now he's a man and she was like going around like my son's about to beat tyson's ass like everybody at work all that then she died and then he won he just fucked him up well he didn't fuck him up he got tagged too it was a great i mean it's an awesome fight i immediately watched the fight terrifying yeah well tyson apparently you know he didn't train as hard he was like it was supposed to be it was supposed to be a tune-up fight it was it was just a tune-up fight for he was apollo holyfield yeah and then he got he got laid out. It's fucking sick.

It was the first time everybody knocked him down. Damn. It was awesome. And then in the ring after, they're like, how do you feel? And he's like,

this is for my mom. And I was just like... He rockied, basically. Yeah, man. That's just got hit hard with it. Phil was like, what are you watching? I was like,

it's called 42 to 1. It was one of those. Had to hide it. That's the only thing he cried. He was like, Buster Douglas, he's a bitch. He's tough. That was it. He was probably crying, eating bologna.

He'd be like, what are you watching? He's a bitch. Yeah. I tell you what, he's a bitch. He says that as a compliment. Yeah, yeah. Like, tough. Speaking of a bitch, Tybalt.

What happened? Tybalt's a bitch, dude. My cat. What's he doing? He's an apex predator, did he get i was watching no but he went toe-to-toe with a fox i was watching uh tv it was like 12 30 everyone's in bed all of a sudden i hear a scream from the backyard this is two nights ago what like screaming and i was like what the fuck is that and i was like oh that's definitely a fox like i can tell it was a fox.

And I was like, oh, shit, Tybalt's outside. So I got nervous, grabbed a big flashlight, and I was like, I'm going to have to beat a fox to death. I was mentally, I was shoeless, ran in the backyard. I was just like, I'm just going to have to beat a dog to death right now, which is a weird mind space to get in. It is a weird space to be walking out. I was adrenaline. I was like, here we go. But, it is a weird space to be walking out. Like, I was adrenaline.

I was like, here we go. But Tybalt was just staring him down, dude. Didn't care less. Couldn't care less. The fox was probably, like, five yards, ten yards away. Just, like, kind of moving back and forth, like, screaming at him. And Tybalt was just sitting there like, what are you going to do, bro? What are you going to do?

So then I pick up Tybalt and I'm like like, not running, but like walking fast, looking backwards. I don't want to get bit by a fox. No, I'll nip your ankle, dude. It would suck. And then as soon as I put Tybalt down in the house, he just started eating. Didn't give a shit. I put him down. He walked straight to his food and started eating.

I was like, dude, you are a monster. Holy fuck. He didn't care at all. That's a fair fight, him versus a fox. Yeah, he's big. And he's got his claws. He's a mean little fucker. That's a fair fight, him versus a fox. Yeah, he's big. And he's got his claws. He's a mean little fucker. That's a fair fight.

I've done it before. I've walked outside and he got fucked up before. By what? I don't know what it was. Probably a fox. By a coyote. Or a raccoon. Something big got him.

Yeah, a raccoon will give him the business, dude. Something fucked him up. Like, fucked his legs up. And he shit himself. When they're running away, cats will shit themselves. So he picked them up. He was covered in blood and shit. Yeah. time not a scratch on him dude he just he literally just sat in the grass stared at a fox couldn't have been prouder of my guy he's gotta be terrifying

at night too he's jet black so he probably that fox probably just saw glowing eyes and was like fuck man that's the prince of cats dude that's a big night. That's big, dude. So that was after 41 and 2? Yeah. 42 and 1, yeah. 42 and 1? It was a big couple days. Phil had to do that once.

What? Till we got in a fight in the front yard with another cat. So it was like 5, 6 in the morning. You just hear two cats screaming. Phil ran down in his whitey tighties. This is like 6 a.m. So people are like walking out to get the newspaper. School buses.

Phil was out in just his white tighties and a fishing rod. Swinging at the cats. He grabbed a fishing rod from the closet that was right by the door and just started whipping cats. Yeah, man. It's a strong tradition in the Gillis family, too. If your cat's in a fight, you've got to jump in, dude. Oh, my God. I was ready to strangle a fox.

You have to, man. You've got to. Oh, it sucked. We have a possum on the loose. And I mean, it's like through a chain link fence, it stared down my dog. I love possums. They're fucking nasty. No, they're funny.

Ugh. They're disgusting. They are. They're ugly, but I'm a fan. They're hellish. I saw it skittering around the other day. I was walking home. Brittany called me like the possum's back in the backyard.

Yeah. Do you have like a garden or anything? No, but there's like a ton of, there's like a little alley that links a bunch of yards, so it kind of just scoots around. But I saw that poss running across the street, and I was just like, ugh. You didn't like him? Nasty little motherfucker. I'm a fan of him.

Did I tell you what my roommate did to a possum? What? He murdered one. Okay. It was eating, it was in his parents' garden. Yeah. But it turns out possums mostly help you. What do they do?

They mostly eat like the rodents and shit and like- Do they really? Bugs that would eat like tomatoes and shit. Do they really? Yeah. So he was, the possum was helping this guy's garden. And my friend was, he captured it in a cage and wanted to kill it. So he caught it in a trap.

And the way he killed it was he put it in a rain barrel. He did your method, dude. Wait, what's a rain barrel? Oh, he drowned it. Yeah, he tried to drown it. So he dipped the cage in. And he has pictures of this. He gave it the dunk tank.

He dunked this possum. He pulled it out after like five minutes and the possum was hanging on still alive. So he went and got a railroad spike and he bailed this possum. Through the cage? Yes. And he was showing me this shit and I was like, dude, you're a serial killer.

I don't like this. He's a fan in the garden, dude. Dude, he's like in his 30s out back drowning in a possum. Yeah, dude. Stabbing it. My brother might get into getting like meat chickens. He, out back, drowning an apostle. Yeah, dude. Stabbing him. My brother might get into getting meat chickens. Yeah? He was talking about getting some meat chickens.

Oh, you're going to have some battles, dude. Well, he already has a couple chickens, but he was saying getting them and fucking snapping their necks and shit. And I was like, it's a nice stress reliever. Go outside. I'll pick this one. You fucking Jesus. Shut the fuck up. Fucking.

Fucking. First. Oh, man. I don't want to go to the fucking Jesus. Shut the fuck up. Fucking. Fucking. First. Oh, man. I don't want to go to the fucking mall. You just break it. You remember that Ginty joke? What? Ginty had a great chicken joke.

He was on a date with, he was dating this Mexican chick and she was telling him how they kill the chickens in Mexico is just swing them. So you grab them by the head and just fucking swing them around. I don't know. His bit was like talking about eating Mexican chickens and then being like, oh, is this free range? He's like, oh, they're fucking everywhere.

They're in the streets. He's like, was it cruel free? He's like, I don't know. How do you feel about swinging? Shout out Ginty, dude. R.I.P. Where's he been? I don't know.

Shacked up somewhere. He's an elite, isn't he? Ginty? He's an elite. I don't know. Shacked up somewhere. He's an elite, isn't he? Ginty? He's an elite. I don't know if he's an elite. He might be an elite. I think he's an elite. He might be.

I think he's probably shacked up. Remember his hidden MAGA hat? He used to wear a black hat that was embroidered MAGA in the side that you could hardly see. I never knew if he was fucking around. He was serious. He went to the mall and got that made. Custom. Speaking of, dude.

What? See where Trump Daddy's thinking about giving a speech. Where? Hollowed Grounds, dude. Gettysburg. He's going to Gettysburg? I swear to God he's trying to secure my vote. I think he's going just for your vote.

He tweeted yesterday and was like, bring back college football. I was like, this is my guy. That's the only policy I care about. He was like, I'll probably give a speech down at Gettysburg. I was like, who is my guy that's the only policy i care about he's like i'll probably give a speech down at gettysburg i was like who is this guy yeah apparently there's uh he was like god damn he's trying to make people pay uh like generic prices for the covid thing really yeah he apparently that's what i've heard the uh pharmaceutical companies are mad at him because he was like if if uh when when a vaccine comes out people are just paying generic prices and apparently that's a weird thing for the left to have to be like well apparently some of the argumentation's been like but we need big pharma to get us out of this

we can't turn our backs on them now and it's like okay it's weird god they have to they have to disagree it's funny man yeah it's crazy it's but apparently never either side can never be like well they got that right well russia says they got the vaccine russia has it they secured the bag good for them russia he's like i get putin's like i gave it to my daughter she's fine really she got a couple fevers broke them she's like we're available the vaccine will be available immediately that's a good move they're just gonna sell us robitussin yeah it sells like 18 billion dollars worth of fucking nothing. Yeah.

I mean, it's like, how are you going to test it? Like, the vaccine's working. It's like, yeah, I guess. Cool. I can go back to stuff now. Dude, I was reading about China in The Atlantic. And, you know, I called Spud. I can't believe you read that lib rag.

Spud was saying it's purely propaganda. What's that? The Atlantic? He was saying it's purely propaganda. What's that? The Atlantic? He was saying it's purely professional class. There's levels of propaganda, and there's professional class propaganda, which has to be like you use kind of like big words, and you mess around with kind of like more ideas, and it's not as like blatant.

But I'm reading the first two articles. The first two articles are like that, you know, just like the long. It's not like Fox News propaganda where it's like, does this bitch hate freedom? Coming up next, do Arabs hate baseball? We'll find out. Probably. But, yeah, they – yeah, it's like the whole – because I was reading it being like, dude, this sounds –

like the big thing right now in the Atlantic and I guess like in elite circles is like America's done. America's – Everybody loves saying America's done. has brought america to its knees and then like they'll some lady will write an article that's like and the grotesque mirror of racism that emanates off of donald trump then so there's two articles of like you know the rip in that stuff i'm reading it being like all right and then it gets into this article about china and it was just like you know people are talking about about the economies down this net and they're talking about China's,

um, how they're like, they're working on their AI stuff and they're saying how they developed it on the Uyghurs. Like they, they tested every time they tested the Uyghur. It's like homo sapien. The Uyghur.

Yeah. Is that, how do you even say that? I don't know. I think it is a Uyghurs. And the, uh, yeah.

Thank you. Uh, fucking dope. They're saying dopers in the back. Jesus Christ. Like a, yeah. It's like a shooting gallery, dude. and the thank you Noah uh huh fucking dope heads the dopers in the back Jesus Christ like a yeah

it's like a shooting gallery dude so they're saying they tested this technology on the Uyghurs and they're like really so they have them

where it's like damn what the fuck is this shit so they like make them... They have an app on their phone. They log, according to this article, they're saying they log how much you're on. Say Fox News was mandatory.

So it's like state propaganda, and if you're not looking at enough of it, they'll call you and be like, what's up? Do you think the Uyghurs talk like T.I.? Like, you need to get us the vaccination. Sorry, they're excited about that word. Like T.I.? You think they... Like, you need to get us the vaccination. Sorry. They're excited about that word. I don't think they would take the vaccine.

The Uyghurs? No, they're Muslim, bro. They're not taking that shit. True. So they have... Apparently, they're around... These guys, according to the... Why do you think Muslims don't take vaccines?

They don't fuck with that. Like a hardcore Muslim... They're not taking the vaccine. Why? They love science. They invented it, bro. Have some respect. Not the bro have some respect the uyghurs invented math and science hugh uyghurs dude that hugh uyghurs are not definitely not fucking with vaccines dude i don't think they're gonna get the first of all they're just gonna try to let the uyghurs die like they're so apparently so they have a program you know again allegedly because i don't live in

china i don't know but it seems plausible that they have like program, you know, again, allegedly, because I don't live in China, I don't know, but it seems plausible that they have, like, fully detained these guys and they're doing, like, these, like, they're trying to, like, re-educate them and make them, like, fully Chinese. But what they said was is they'll give you, they have big brothers and big sisters. How do they make them fully Chinese? I don't know. They go to a Chinese school and you have to, like,

fully learn how to be Chinese. I don't know. Or they have, like, driver's ed. What do they have? Where's ed come on now come on that's fun that's fun that's just fun dude that is good america fun yeah we might as well get it in while we can because i'm reading this article and apparently they're going to cut they're swooping down on us but dude they'll have a big brother and a big sister so like you'll go off to like chinese school and then they'll be all right big brother the han chinese big brother who's like sitting at the dinner table being like what do you guys think of president zing bazaar whatever

and they're like you have to be like oh i think he's very good so like you how do you feel about the party literally and you have to sit there and be like i love the party i love the party and then you go to chinese school and big brother they, they're saying in this article, will sleep in bed. He'll, like, sleep in bed with your wife. She's your big bro. Damn. You have your big bro. We'll just stick around.

Not pre-monocta. Yeah, dude. Or they'll just be, there's just a dude in your house all the time making sure you're not fucking around. Damn. Just for the week. Just cocking you. But now what they're saying is they're developing all this AI technology where they're trying to get it down. You know, they're not there yet. It's actually kind of funny

because like one of their They are in the future dude. That's like the future of porn. Incest cockle big brother? Yeah. Like the government fucks your wife? That's what we're talking about. Probably hot actually. Yeah. It's like woman stuck in house because her door

was welded shut. Big brother catches her with a net. She's stuck. China might be just working purely on the perfect porn. Well, right now, I think that'll probably follow after that. I think they're exporting plug-and-play autocratic panopticons where it's like you can see everyone's movement. You sell all the phones, link them all in a network.

Yeah, they're trying to play SimCity. They're selling the ability to do that. Playing Sims. According to the article, to autocratic regimes from around the world. So you could have North Korea can get hooked up by China. Venezuela might get hooked up by China. They're like, here you go. Here's how you completely monitor your entire civilian base.

Then it'll be, this is my prediction, but I think they're going for it. It'll be like North Korea, China, Venezuela, any country where a dictator can get this technology. And then it'll just be up to the West to be like, well, I guess we got to fight this like autocratic regime where like you can just demand all the data. The more data you have, the better your AI gets. So I think the West is going to be like, look, let's just give up everyone's data in the name of freedom. And it'll just be the same thing. Yeah.

So I think that's, I think it's almost unavoidable right now. Just at least the way they're reporting it. Yeah. I don't know. I mean, they're, I don't,

they're talking like facial recognition, looking to like, you know, looking at what you read, looking at how you react to things. Well, you know, and again,

they said they're right. It's funny too. Cause they say all this stuff and they're like, yeah, but last year they had a thing where like they're like we can recognize everyone's face in two seconds and then they're like there was a thing where like an ad some face on like a bus got a ticket for jaywalking i like that yeah so i don't know dude it's but you're reading all these articles and it's like it's definitely like

a black nurse well so the facial recognition so i, if it's an ad on a bus. Well, what I'm telling you is the facial recognition, they're selling this shit to sub-Saharan regimes, and the facial recognition for black faces is really bad. So they're trying to get. So for freedom, we might have to go all blackface to fight these. We might have to Braveheart. Wow. We might have to Braveheart for freedom.

That's a nice twist. That's probably why they don't want us in blackface dude government cracked down hard on blackface lately exactly because the deep state knows the deep state knows the only truth the way to beat them is just go full blackface yeah they uh do you ever see that when like facebook had trouble with it they they would tag i think it was chris cotton rip every black person on Facebook is like, is this Chris Cotton? I'm like, no. Facebook is not. That's not him.

Now it's just LaMare. Every black person in every photo was like, you're with Chris Cotton, right? I'm like, no, dude. It's not him. So, yeah, the facial recognition is not good. It's a Baikoo. RIP. RIP.

He got lost in the great Pico scandal. True. He disappeared. True, dude. There was a guy who did open mics in Philly that like ripped off his roommates and they quit over like a thousand bucks. But Mary, you were one of them? I was one of the roommates.

You were part of the great. I was one of the roommates. I was part of the scandal. How much did he rip you off for? Probably about like $500. Damn, that's big money in Titan House. Yeah, that was big money. That was big.

That could have gone to a lot of Dragon Ball Z cards or whatever you dorks were up to. How did that resolve, LaMare? I mean, that was the beef. A guy was pretending to pay the electric bill, right? Yeah, it didn't resolve. He just disappeared. You think he fled the country? He was international. No, he's here. He's in Philly. the electric bill, right? Yeah, it didn't resolve. He just disappeared. You think he fled the country?

He was international. No, he's here. He's in Philly. There have been sightings. He didn't really disappear. All he did was quit his dream. That's all he did, dude. His dream was to do stand-up, and then he was like, this bill is $1,500.

All right, it's over. I'm out. Ride's over. Yeah, he could have. I feel like he could have came out and been like, yeah, man, I fucked up. I'll work it off and everyone's like,

yeah, whatever. Everyone fucks up money sometimes. It's also a sick move, dude, to get the electric bill, not pay it as if like... And then keep collecting from your roommates? Yeah, what was the vice, dude?

There had to have been some sort of... Was it just like sheer laziness or was there like betting involved? I don't know because he was just like he would just like eat pancakes like every day so he was living it up in your guys's face

yeah he'd learn it off dude he was eating this quick no like he was like i just i don't know i think he was just devastatingly poor i don't know i don't know what his vices were hmm i don't know man i i never. He never really struck me as devastatingly poor. But probably he's one of his many capers, dude. He's probably been in multiple cities doing stand-up, $1,500 at a time. He's a black guy ponytail now. Whoa.

Yeah. He's a security guard? No. He works in Old City he's a just he may have leveled up entirely he's like a Sasquatch though

every once in a while there's like a sighting of him fuck he's had a fucking ponytail dude he won he definitely won

he ripped his roommates off and grew a ponytail which is like I'm done doing open mics now it's corporate America yeah I guess how do you have how does he have a ponytail like it's corporate America. Yeah, I guess.

How does he have a ponytail? It's just like, I don't know. Oh, I see. I understand now. Does he braid it up or is it fluffy? I don't know. I think it's just fluffy. Oh, fluffy. That's what I'm talking about.

I got it. Did he grease it up and pull it back? I think it was Omarion or someone who just did a fluffy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. A little honey bun. It's funny that you got tiptoe around black hair. did they grease it up and pull it back? Or was it like, I think it was Omarion or someone who just did like a fluffy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Exactly. A little honey bun. It's funny that we got, you got like tiptoe around black hair. You gotta be like, what's that? The fluffy. Is that all right? It's fluffy? Chick like.

Yeah. Anytime you talk about black hair, it just instantly turns into fucking Price is Right or whatever fucking uh what's that game family family feud we're like nappy oh fuck i'm fired yeah yeah baby yeah my uh it's been a lot i actually know a lot about black hair i'm not bragging i'm not virtue signaling i know a lot i mean you know I'm not bragging. I'm not virtue signaling. I know a lot. I mean, you know, just ask me a question. I mean, it's not really for me to talk about, but, you know. True.

Didn't you write about it in a book and somebody criticized you? No, it wasn't even that. There was somebody on Facebook who was like, there was like this thing where writers were like, started virtue signaling where they're like, I'll never write a black character in my book because that's not my story to tell. I was just perusing Facebook and there was a comedian. My stories are whites only. Yeah, really. Take it easy, man. Then they'll be like, there's no black people in this book.

You're like, well, I'm not allowed to write them. They're like, why? Because I don't get them. Yeah. I don't know. You think different. The lady was like, how would a white man ever know what a black woman's hair was like if it was wet and in the ocean?

It's like, well, maybe he was in the ocean with her maybe maybe he saw maybe he knows a black person they're like shut up fuck you mccusker you're the fucking worst it's like damn that would that's a weird thing to be like i'm not gonna write about black people at all i would never in fact i quit writing all i can write about is white people and fuck them. That's a lot of like, I'm done. That's just probably

for bad writers. It's the same way bad comics are like, I'm an activist now and that's pretty much it. Yeah. I mean, dude. It's like, what?

Big time. Yeah, that's the move. Big time. I noticed a lot of the outrage. I mean, I'm trying to, I think, I don't know when it was,

but there was people who were like freaking out. Maybe that's an L thing. I don't know what it was, but you look at their were freaking out. Maybe that's a thing. I don't know what it was. But you look at their profile, and it's always like, oh, no, by the way, check out my indie comic series about a black superhero. And it's like, we're a kick-ass Muslim lady who runs for the White House. And it's like, OK, that's weird.

That's just fucking happening. It happens to me. It's a tale as old as time, bro. It is. It's unfortunate. It's weird, too, to see comics just fully, like... Like, I just saw a political ad for the Democratic Party,

the DNC there. Maybe it was the DNC. It was paid for by somebody that was just a David Cross bit about how shitty Trump is. And that's, like, a political ad now. It's like, how, as a comic,

are you just, like... It'd be like, yeah, I basically do propaganda for one of the political parties i don't know it's just cash it's odd yeah dude they're after the cash if they secured if someone was like yo here's the bag and david cross used to rule he's very funny he's very fucking hilarious yeah also still is he must still be funny yeah and they're like yo we're gonna pay you and use your base we're like yeah go the fuck go the fuck ahead. Yeah, true. Shout out Ben Shapiro. You see Ben Shapiro?

Dude, what's that about? He's like, I was watching Shane Gillis. It's like, god damn it, dude. Anyone else? I heard it, and he was exactly right. Donald Trump would bury the other comedians. He would bury you because he's significantly funnier. Also, have you seen the WAP video?

Have you seen that fucking thing? Yes, I saw it. Look, I kind of, dude, I was wishing Shapiro was going a little too hard. Let me hear his points. I think he was just going over the lyrics and being like, how the fuck is this empowering? Now, he didn't do it that way. Of course, he did it in a very dorky way,

where he wouldn't say pussy, he'd call it a P word. He'd be like, F this P word, N word. Get deep into it, N word. It was like, dude. He just wanted to throw in some censored N words. Yeah, I think so. He's like, we're going to read the lyrics. Yeah.

I watched that music video, and what do you think? It's just a sad state of affairs, dude. It is a weird thing to watch. I mean, it's a 27-year-old lady who's excited she has a vagina. It's like, yeah, dude. Newsflash. They're all awesome. Yeah.

They all rule. Cardi B's only 27. 27, yeah. Nicki Minaj is 35. She aged kind of hard. Cardi B looks... Bro, you're talking party lifestyle, dude. True.

That's like... She's Mrs. Cool. She's Mrs. Cool. I was Mr. Cool. I was Mr. Cool last Thursday. Were you really? Oh, I was Mr. Cool. I was bopping Cool last Thursday. Were you really? Oh, I was Mr. Cool. I was bopping around, dude.

You're Mr. Cool? No. The coolest I've been in a while. Being fucked up as being Mr. Cool is my favorite thing. It's so embarrassing. Waking up and being like, why would I fucking be that guy? I was so fucking cool last night. I was so chill last night.

Everyone's calling you like, dude, you were so fucking cool last night. Remember when you did that? Whoa, you're 32 i'm like yeah i'm 32 i still black out baby yeah well that's like yeah imagine if you were blacking out every night like a personal trainer woke you up and made you like fucking a yogurt parfait and all that and you're like all right and fucking started working out they're like look we're gonna build your ass and you're like sure perfect. What do you have to do? Well, basically, you just have to scream wet pussy over and over again and shake your ass.

Yeah, that was like, yeah. Man, but I will say this. You hit old eighth. If I was in eighth grade right now and that music video came on. Fuck, man. Dude, I was jerking off to Britney Spears videos, dude. I was working with a school. That holds up.

I was working with a school. i was that i was working with the school luckily i was of age i was loud but yeah the uh yeah dude that yeah nobody talks about everybody talks about like movies that hold up nobody talks about wankable music videos that hold up what else did you jerk to um obviously girls gone wild when you hit that fucking you hear that fucking uh the steel drums come on at about 2 a.m i still get hard i'm talking just music videos um music videos that got me i'm talking chris isaac wicked games that was a jerk trying to think of uh these wicked games you play did you guys watch bet uncut or bt after yeah yeah okay yeah what was what was on bt after dark uh just music videos that were...

Sexy? Provocative. I used to jerk off to a video about D'Angelo getting a boy job. Oh, you know what got me? Hot and Her. Hot and Her music video got me. That's a good jerk video. Yeah, I remember that.

That's not bad. There was one, Shakira. Shakira could get me. She had She-Wolf. And I was a geezer for that. I was like a freshman or sophomore in high school and i was still like that music video got me no fucking the one i said when i was young what was the first one hot in her i was in like seventh or eighth yeah i was right in my prime true hot in her is a good journey we need to bring back throwback

jerseys i'm trying to think i think i jerked to like jessica simpson videos fat guy fat guy apparel just plummeted in the last decade. Yeah, it kind of did. There's nothing cool I can wear. I think as a fat guy, you're supposed to just wear tight stuff right now. Yeah, it's crazy. I think all fat guys wear tight.

Skinny jeans, I look like a fucking loser. Yeah, tight shirt. It's crazy. Bring back like throwbacks and like essentially JNCOs. It's like... Give me a throwback and some fucking tins. Yeah, Gordon Ramsay will wear like a tight v-neck and just be like what the fuck dude yeah if you will that's because men are supposed to

be fat pussies now true yeah so like what's cool is like hipster fashion so it's like here's a sweater i barely fit into it's got an owl on it true also i think socialism rocks dude you ever ever see suburban hipsters? Yeah. Dude, that's... I actually give them credit. They fight the good fight. Really?

Like Lancaster. I'll go to Lancaster and see hipsters and be like, good for you guys. You guys are up against it. They're the front line. They're up against actual conservatives. Yeah. Dudes will drive by in a truck and be like, nice glasses. These New York hipsters, they have no skin in the game.

True. I don't respect them. True, yeah. Give me a good Lancaster hipster. I'm just lonely for like a suburban hipster. It's basically goth. Anything you talk, yeah, it kind of is. It's basically being a goth.

Anything you talk about, everyone's like, you're just surrounded by dudes in like tucked in Under Armour pullovers being like, shut the fuck up, dude. It's just a bunch of me's in a room. Go get some fucking pussy, dude. It's just, it's ridiculous. I saw some guy riding a bike, like's in a room fucking pussy dude it's just it's like ridiculous i saw some guy riding a bike like almost like a bike messenger around my parents house and i was like dude are you lost like yeah go back to i wanted to like catch him and put him back in the city yeah go to fishtown bro yeah dude go back to like a highly gentrified neighborhood you're

gonna get like hit with like paintballs from like some landscapers gonna call you a fag dude yeah the fucking i don't know the, being a hipster outside is, it reminds me of, truthfully, now that we're talking about it, I brought up, I think last week, it still holds up as a very funny video of this dude wearing a Black Lives Matter banner in Arkansas, dude. Dude's pulling up in trucks and being like, you're fucking white, man. Put that shit away.

And then riding off. It's so funny. I mean, obviously a couple of them go too far. But it's clear. I mean, they see a white dude wearing it. Yeah. So they're like, shut the fuck up. You know what I mean?

It's got to piss them off. It would be slight. I'm sure it would be a little different if it was a black dude. I'm sure. Don't get me wrong. He'd be getting hit with some. Odin windows up. He'd be getting hit with some hard heckles you think so undoubtedly but

not as hard as a honky and will and willie clinton i think it was like i think it was like the home of the clan this town oh that's right it was like one of the main clan he was like i'm gonna go wear this people were black lives matter billboard up front of a walmart in arkansas people were like get the fuck out of here what's wrong with you you, man? Oh, my God. It's like, oh, you probably want to fuck Bill Gates, too, don't you, you fucking homo? The vaccine's not real. Just drive off. They all hit him with as many conspiracies as they could right away. Like, it's fake.

Although I have been watching the NBA, and it makes me laugh every time. The whole court is Black Lives Matter. Everything's Black Lives Matter. People's jerseys are like, we matter. They basically have XFL jerseys on. They're like, he hate me. Y'all hate me. It's so funny.

What's up with baseball? Wasn't there a lot of fights? There's a white dude with Ally. That's the best one. Do you see that fucking bald dude? They really do that? Yeah, they have instead of names. It's like, say her name, Ally.

It's equality. Equality is the one that's going around that's pretty funny. Because it's a white dude swatting. He's about to pin a black dude against the backboard. It just says equality on the backboard. They have that for real? Yes. Every time I see it, I'll be watching it with Phil and I'll be like, oh yeah.

Have you seen that? Every time Black Lives Matter, I'm like, hey Phil, have you heard about this Black Lives Matter thing? Because it's every single. And then me and him got into beef, dude, hard beef. Why? I haven't seen him spaz like this in a while. He came back from the men's club, had a couple drinks in him. A couple pop.

He's like, we're watching golf. We're watching it. And I was like, hockey's on. It's playoff hockey. We're watching. You're flired up, bro. Well, that was a battle the day before. The Flyers were on, and it was like day three of this golf tournament.

There was still another day. And, dude, golf is four hours of watching. I doubt we have too many golf fans that are listening to this. Dude, it is the worst sport I've ever watched. It is fucking dorks and khakis walking around like, oh, that was a great shot, Bryson. Like the top three guys were like dustin bryson and connor yeah it's like good christ but uh yeah it's it's it's like i i would

go to a family party and it's on i sit on the couch and i'm just like i'll go sit yeah this is it's just a guaranteed nap you're just watching you're watching accountants walk yeah that's the sport it's a fucking old whispering, and then a bunch of accountants like, that was a hell of an approach. Yeah. It's like, oh, my God. It fucking sucks, dude. But what was really funny is Phil, so he had a, you know,

he's got some gambling going on. And the one guy. Dude, on everything. I told you he was betting on fucking Madden. True. What's that, the beginning of 50 Cent's album? Come on. But there was one guy who he couldn't have win, Morikawa.

So that was fun to watch. Watch this fucking young boy. Colin, by the way. Colin Morikawa. Colin Morikawa, baller. New star of the game. Really? Hit the best shot.

Phil was like, come on, motherfucker. Miss this. And they were like, shot of a lifetime. Best shot he's ever hit. And he hit an eagle at the end. It was great. But this was a hard fight. Because Phil came in, had a couple drinks.

He was like, we're watching golf right now. What were you watching? You're watching now. I was watching, I believe, Blues versus – ah, fuck, I forget who it was. Actually, you know, I think it might have been Toronto versus Columbus. Great stuff. Yeah.

Overtime hockey. Winner goes home. actually you know I think it might have been Toronto versus Columbus great stuff yeah overtime hockey winner goes winner goes home Phil comes in he's like put it on and then he like screamed he was like screaming like trying to fight me

in front of my family everybody in there was like Phil relax and he was like but don't fuck it like he's passing he needed to see what was going on

but he doesn't know so they lost the remote that controls the TV they have the cable remote that's what they use So they lost the remote that controls the TV. They have the cable remote. That's what they use. But they lost the remote. So I downloaded an app on my phone that's the remote.

So I just kept changing it from anywhere. I can go in my room and change it. He had no idea. I can hit channel down and you just hear this, God fucking damn it. And then I just went to YouTube and typed in 10 hours of Trump saying, Bing, bing, bong. Bing, bing, bong. And put that on. And that literally resulted in him chasing me through the house.

Because I couldn't get it back off. I couldn't get it off. I was like, I don't know how to change it. He was like, change it right now, motherfucker. Bing, bing, bong. And it was just Trump on full volume going, bing, bing, bong, bing, bing, bong. And then my niece and nephew started going, bing, bing, bong. Everyone's screaming at him.

Phil had a rough one. And all that to just watch Morikawa just put a knife in the old man, which was very fun. I just kept screaming. I was like, Morikawa, put a fork in like, Morikawa. Oh, that's so funny. Put a fork in him. He's finished. Oh, that's so fucking funny.

Yeah, bing, bing, bong. Ten straight hours. And he was just like, turn it off. Volume up, dude. He's got a sound bar. It was like shaking the house, dude. Is it a smart TV? Yeah.

Jesus Christ. They lost their mode. And that's the only way I can get UFC when like when it's on ESPN Plus, is to switch apps. Yeah. So that was like, I mean, that was a hole. That was a fight. Me and Phil have basically just been fighting over the television. The whole time?

All of COVID. Why couldn't you do the back and forth? Like a little bit of commercials, a little back and forth? He's a fucker about it, dude. He is like, he can't watch commercials. So he has to change it nonstop. But golf doesn't have any. Golf, they'll just cut to a commercial while they're still playing.

Like, it'll be a screen and screen. Do they do that? Yeah. Dude, golf sucks. It's pretty boring. It's 20 hours of just dudes walking. It sucks. I've been exposed a little bit.

It's crazy. Yeah, my uncles will put it on and watch. And it has to be. And you get the same fucking answer from everybody. They're like, wait till you play it. Then you'll really appreciate it. Yeah. Like, have you ever played?

You can't play. Dude, you can't fucking. You've been playing for 30 years. You still suck. Game sucks. It does suck. You couldn't do it. That's the argument, to watch something.

Yeah. See, I couldn't do professional darts, dude. I'm not jerking off to American Ninja Warrior. I could never do that. That's a good show. The show does rule. I'd watch that over golf. That crushes golf.

100%. Yes. But, yeah, exactly. If someone turned it off, I'd be like, oh, you got a good argument. Yeah. Yeah, man. Yeah, golf is easily the worst fucking sport to watch. Easily.

Regular season baseball. Worse than baseball. Worse than baseball. Regular season baseball is rough. But, yeah, golf's number one. Golf is like the best it can get is the worst of baseball. Tell you what, NBA in the bubble has kind of sucked, especially because the Sixers are horrible, dude.

Really? How about your Sixers? You don't like your Sixers this year. They're not doing too well, no. No. What do you think about them? Do they have the cool jerseys, too? They have cool – yes.

Everyone has one. Everybody – almost everybody has cool jerseys. What about those European dudes? Do they have any kind of like – No, those will just say like ally. Everyone has one. Everybody – almost everybody has a cool jersey. What about like those European dudes? Do they have any kind of like – No, those will just say like ally. Brexit? Yeah, true. Brexit?

True. I was wondering when people were going to start making other points, which would be funny. Yeah, man. Like someone – there has to be someone in the NBA who rocks like an American flag Trump jersey. There was only one – I saw one dude that stood for the national anthem.

Really? Yeah. Yeah, that was a big story. Unfortunately, I saw someone be like, and this guy stood. Check it out. Yeah, they're like, look at this amazing patriot. Yeah, it's like, I don't fucking care. Who gives a fuck?

Yeah, it sucks. Whatever. It'll be, we'll see what the next thing is. You know what I mean? Pretty sure it'll all be President Xi Pajang or whatever. Xi Pajama, dude. It'll be President Xi Pajama or whatever. Xi Pajama, dude. It will be President Xi Pajama. Yeah, that's a good guy.

Lamar, what do you think of the bubble? What's going on out there? Put the phone down, you goddamn doper. I'm sorry, dude. I'm not paying attention to basketball. I'm waiting for actual playoffs to start. Yeah, that's a good point. Yeah, true.

Yeah. Dude, I – Great point, Lamar. Noah, write that one down for the time being. Yeah, write that. We've been trying to put clips out. That could be our best clip. Lamer, what do you think about the NBA?

I haven't really been watching it too much. Great, thank you. Back to the podcast. I've been thinking about it. The draft is like a slave auction. The NBA draft. That's the thing I've been thinking about. That's a new take.

Is it? No. No? Oh, okay. I don't know. It just looks like it. It does look like it. Yeah, it's a bunch of white dudes like literally measuring black dudes.

Really? Yeah. I mean, wingspans. He's got big hands. Yeah. It's not great. Did you jump for me? And then a bunch of agents, they're agents selling them,

put them on and be like, look, his hands are huge. Yeah, it's... Yeah. Yeah, that's pretty fucked up. Yeah, NFL Combine's worse. NFL Combine's way worse. Yeah.

Now, there's a lot more white guys, but there's still, like, thick, like, jacked black dudes just standing in a line, like, with their shirts off. Just dragging. And just white dudes with clipboards like,

hmm. It's like you're on a special Olympics show. Grabbing his like flab and be like, well. He won't do. Yeah,

it's pretty wild. It's a wild world. I wish someone would rate my body and tell me where I stand. Oh. Just tell me where I, let me go to the combine.

You would look like, you would look like, in your prime, you would look like Tom Brady's combine picture. What's that? How's that look? It reminds me of how you would look like if you were like in your prime for this thing. Yeah.

I'm in my athletic prime right now. You think? Easily. What have you done athletically? I did yoga this morning. I ran 1.6 miles yesterday. Basically, I've never been able to run this far. That's awesome, man.

1.6 miles is my world record. That's my world record. I'm pretty stoked on that. 15-minute 1.6. True. Come on. Come on, baby. I'm surprised my phone's not ringing right now.

Usain Bolt's going to call you and be like, how are you doing? Get down here. Dude, my back will start hurting about immediately when I start to run. Yeah, you just got to ride through it. I do like slow old guy jogging. I've seen people do it. I'm like, dude, just walk. How long is this mile and a half taking you?

About, I think, 15 minutes. That's pretty good. Yeah, that's not bad. I'm sorry, that's not bad. That's pretty bad. It's about... That's pretty bad. It's about... That's not great. It's about nine minutes.

I did the math wrong. I was like, that's two eight-minute miles. That's nine-minute miles. That's nine. It's about 9.5, 9.55, nine minutes, 55 seconds. That's pretty good. Yeah, that's not bad. I'm sub-10.

I'm sub-10-minute-mile, bro. Bro, sub-10. You're fast as lightning. That's grease-lighting. That's grease-lighting, dude. Sub-10, dude? Come on. 90-degree heat. I'm running at like a 200-meter elevation's grease light, dude. Sub 10, dude. Come on. 90 degree heat.

I'm running at like a 200 meter elevation. Come on, dude. I think it's like 57 feet elevation still, dude. Come on. Where? Philly? They track the elevation. Philly's like sea level.

No, there's a lot of hills, dude. Trust me. I'll take you out on the track. I'll take you out on the mountain. Philly is a port city. Dude, not where I'm at. It's like Greece where I'm at. It's just up in the hills.

I'm like San Fran. Yeah, the Parthenon, dude. Might as well be San Fran. Oh, dude, so right now, Bae's planning the wedding. And I've been watching for two and a half days now. I've been watching her. And she'll try to rope me into these discussions.

And it's like, I'm not even being a dick. I'm like, dude, I have nothing to offer. But they're coordinating the dresses. And some are this color and like there's and they're all into it they're all like i'll do this oh fuck they're planning a color like a color experience basically i'm not wearing a color a year from now i'm not wearing a color whatever i'm wearing a fucking say her name you have to you have to I'm having all my groomsmen do fucking political. Yeah, being like justice. But dude, they're like. Mine will just be like segregation.

We need to split this church up. Sorry. I apologize. I apologize. You're on fire right now. Shouldn't be on the air right now. You're on fucking fire right now. It will be.

It'll be pretty segregated if you sit. Families, for sure. Yeah, it'll definitely. So that'll be fun. You're on fire right now. Shouldn't be on the air right now. You're on fucking fire right now. It will be. It'll be pretty segregated if you sit in the group. The family, for sure. Yeah, it'll definitely be. So that'll be fun. No, it'll definitely be. That'll be a fun moment for me. It'll be pretty split up. You're going to have to invite, like, LaMare to.

True. Get on the group side. Just like the yin and yang. Just have that little. I got you. It's a dot. But, yeah, they're planning, like, a color color experience which would be funny like if you like if you invite like sydney or like lemare like when they walk in whoever is at the door is gonna be like

no you're on that side for sure just be like what for sure i don't know how i have no idea how they're even gonna do that it probably will be something like that yeah it's all in one spot you're gonna have to get her side of the family to seat people because that's tricky for honkies. If they get the wrong side. Figure it out? Yeah. Yeah, I think it'll just be like pick wherever you want. It doesn't matter.

True. Cool wherever you want. True. I apologize. I apologize. I apologize. No, no. I think that's the only way you can handle that rather than being absurd.

Like start blocking a black dude. You're like, hey, whoa. Hey, get out of here. Come on. What are you doing? What are you crazy? Come on. Get out of here. What are you doing? What are you, crazy? Come on, get out of here. Look, there's certain jokes I shouldn't make.

But instead of segregating left or right, you should segregate front and back. You think we're going to do that, dude? Wow. You got Grooves family up front. I apologize. Dude, don't you dare. Just crush your seltzer. I apologize for the racist remark I made.

That was stupid. You love it, dude. Love what? You love that kind of stuff. That stuff's crap, dude. She pitted me of ignorance. It's crap, dude. I don't even think it's funny.

No, we'll never do that. Never. Of course not. I stand with everybody. All right, so you think about getting multicolored? You guys are going like... No, they're doing it. They're going Fanta. told her i told her i was like whatever you guys do do it's clap we're going classic tux but they're like it's just it's a year from now they're like

well if you have that orange i'll have this teal we'll do it and it's just like it's just weird man it's just like what the fuck are you guys doing yeah it's it's like it's crazy wild that women have that's what I'm saying. Was it always like this? I don't think it was. For weddings? Like when our parents got married and shit? No, dude.

It couldn't have been, right? Yeah, you couldn't do it. It was like 40 bucks, and then you go to like the Knights of Columbus like parade ground. You took a picture like in your dad's living room. Yeah. Like it's stained carpet. You're just like. Yeah, then everyone there would just go stand.

You'd drink Budweiser's and everyone would smoke cigarettes the entire time. But, yeah, now it's like a big deal. Yeah. She didn't get sucked up into too much of that. You better have a coordinated dance. No, I told you. Please. I already shut that.

I already said no to that. Please let me see you do that, dude. Said no to that. I don't want to do that. I'm not doing – if they do the groomsmen intros, I'm not doing – Not even a little. I don't know what they're going to do for any of that stuff. That's tough.

That sucks. I mean, I'm going to have to. Brittany's a dancer, dude. So I'm going to have to definitely. I'll have my dancer. You're a dancer. Obviously, dude. I'll have my dancer.

Especially old Billy. He'll have a couple cocktails. He'll be cutting a rug. It's fun, man. We're going to look like the Peanuts. Yeah, it's going to be good, dude. It'll fun but that was that was blowing my mind like dude just pick a fucking color it's like this whole thing like these three people and this color will signify that and it was just like jesus fucking christ and then i'll just be like what

do you think should i do this with that and it's like i i'm not trying to be a dickhead i don't know yeah i have no fucking idea I don't care and it's just like yeah this is for both of us I'm like no it's not no it's not yeah trust me I don't care yeah I just

it's not yeah but yeah that's been fun I already regret the the separating the church you're going for it I apologize

you're going for it push boundaries on that you did push boundaries if bae is listening I pushed boundaries on that and I apologize I would never make a joke like that again

she never listens she her and my mom good women dude they don't listen to this good baes If Bay is listening, I pushed boundaries on that, and I apologize. I would never make a joke like that again. She never listens. Her and my mom. Good women, dude. They don't listen to this. Good Bays. I have to fight my family not to listen to this. You just got to tell them straight up.

It fucks me up. If I know you're listening, I'm... True. I can't talk about jizz with my mom listening. Yeah, I don't know. I think if my mom heard me talk about jizz she would just turn it off she would shut it off she would shut it off that's crap yeah she would never turn it back on it's getting toasty in here isn't it it's awfully hot it's getting hot where we at all right let's uh break it up yeah let's end this episode and go to patreon you got anything

for the uh um people yeah i actually have a bunch of dates coming up. Back on the road, dude. Are you really? I'm headed out fucking out west. I got this weekend, the 14th and 15th of August, I'll be at Providence Comedy Connection. 21st, 22nd, I'll be at McGoovie's Joke House with Matt McCusker and LaMare. It's going to be big. And then a live podcast Saturday night. 4th and 5th of September September I'll be at Wise Guys

in Salt Lake City, Utah. And then the weekend of the 11th and 12th of September I'll be at the House of Comedy in Phoenix. Jesus Christ.

And the 18th and 19th I'll be in Minnesota. Damn, dude. They're smacking your horse in the butt. Utah, Arizona, Minnesota. Back to back to back. That's a tough stretch.

What really sucks is if you like bomb. Out in Utah? Just fly around bombing. I mean, that's why people quit. They're like, I'm sick of the road. It's like, dude, yeah, no shit. You got to fly to different places and just get your fucking ass kicked.

And just be like, I got to come up with something. And then once you get into like desperation mode about comedy, it gets real awkward. Oh, dude. Come on, man. Isn't that funny, guys? Come on, guys. Get off the stage, asshole. It's like, oh, fuck.

That's when you just go full, like, give it up for the troops. Break it out for weed. Who here is fucking smoking the weed? I might smoke the most. Yeah. I love weed. Who here loves the troops? You guys having a drink?

I wonder if it's still troops. I wonder if you can still give it up for troops. I bet now it's give it up for Black Lives Matter. That's like a guaranteed fucking... Depends on the room, man. Just about any room, you can be like, hey, we got a lot going on right now. Let's give it up for like...

I think it's probably just like a mic to the chest being like, shit's crazy right now. You can stay vague. Yeah, true. Stay vague. You gotta stay neutral. Depends what room you're in, man. You can get a room.

True, it'd be funny to fly around the country and be like, you believe this horse shit? And then the next night, you'd be like, You can stay vague. Yeah, true. Stay vague. You got to stay neutral. Depends what room you're in, man. You can get a room. True. It'd be funny to fly around the country and be like, you believe this horse shit? Then the next night, you'd be like, brothers and sisters on the front lines. You get it wrong one time, like a rock star. Where they're like, hello, Cleveland. And they're like, you're in Detroit. Like, oh, fuck. You show up to like, yeah, you show up to like, Hadesburg or some bullshit in Mississippi.

And you're like, am I right? Come on, Black Lives Matter. Yeah, you got to get it right. Damn it, I'm i'm in the wrong city you gotta screen it out pretty well that's right i think you i think you should stay vague just be like it's crazy crazy time we're living in i'm not saying this is a bad president but you know i think he has stuff to work on yeah dude that's uh i mean then again if you were to bomb you might as well just ride out the bomb until people stop calling you and you're like like, I guess I'll do something else. Yeah, just keep bombing. Or just rip someone's Pico bill off.

True. And then head off into the sunset. Just grow a ponytail. Always have a ponytail ready, dude. I am a couple bombs away from a sick ponytail. And just be like, I'm done. Well, right now, too. I'm curious to see what it's like to operate with masks.

They take the masks off. Take the masks off. But then it's like 25% capacity masks. They take the masks off? Take the masks off. But then it's like 25% capacity? No, it'll be like half at least. Okay. It's good. It's fine. They fill it up.

Cleveland fucking ruled. That was the best one I've done. People got to be excited, too. People are excited. And we have fans now, which is fucking crazy. Dogs will be out there. Dogs are out, dude. Magoobies is going to be lit.

Magoobies is going to be wild. Live cast is going to be pretty fucking wild. I think Providence is going to be good. Yeah. I think Providence is going to be lit. Magoobs is going to be wild. Livecast is going to be pretty fucking wild. I think Providence is going to be good. Yeah. I think Providence is going to be good. Anyway, Salt Lake is a question.

I don't know how we, I don't know how our ratings are in the Salt Lake market. I get people hitting us up from Utah, dude. Really? Cold people when they come out to Salt Lake.

They'll be out there. They'll be out there. Filling in for Joey Diaz. What's he doing? Is he laying low? I think he's moving out of the city. I think they're all,

he's part of the exodus is he yeah is Callum leaving probably he got fucking smacked with a till bro

Callum got smacked don't get me started what dude LA Times ran an article of accusations on the front page

against him really it's a weird thing to do I don't know yeah look look save the page save it for the page yeah dude uh yeah switch over the patreon bye