Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 314- Sam and Shane's Secret Doug-cast

Episode Date: September 11, 2020

Our protagonist has found himself in a wretched desert. Snakes, scorpions and carnies abound. Can Shane, a man who's typically about a booming cosmopolis, wrangle those who dwell where there is nothing?  Find out.   Also, cop Sam's book "Running the Light"  And cop Doug's book, "No Encore For the Donkey" Also stay tuned to the first ep of this saga on "The Doug Stanhope Podcast" It'll be out this week.

And that's a – oh, did we miss a lot in the middle? I had like seven things I was going to start with, but I'm getting very high. We are transitioning. For those of viewers who were previously watching the Doug Stanhope podcast, listening to – I'm trying to make it sound like we're going to a regional game, NFL Sunday, because we are now switching from the Doug Stanhope podcast, which if you haven't listened to the part one,

why would you even listen to go intro? Part two. I don't know if you have an intro for your podcast. Part two. That didn't work out. Are we going? Yeah, yeah. I didn't know if you had a specific intro. No, we don't have a fucking intro. It's Matt and Shane's secret podcast. That didn't work out. Are we still, are we going? Yeah, yeah. I didn't know if you had

a specific intro. No, we don't have a fucking intro. It's Matt and Shane's secret podcast. And, yeah, man. And I'm taking Matt's place. This will be episode 313 or 314

because 313 was the East Coast. Those numbers are actually also just made up. Oh. They're in sequence. It makes no sense. Do you want me to be Matt? Yeah, don't fucking let Chaley start making sense.

It'll collapse me. Yeah, you guys. You just have to say, here's my deal. Here's my new thing. Here's my new thing. Say that all the time. Oh, all right. Who's your guests?

My guests? This is Sam and Shane's secret dog cast. Getting high with secret dog cast. Yeah. I mean, let's just keep it rolling what we were just doing. We don't need to. There's no format at all. It's the exact same.

Good. Keep it rolling. I like the scorpion talk. We should have had that on air, man. Yeah, I didn't know that was going to. Also, I didn't know. I'll bring it back in just to introduce the rest of the guests because your podcast listeners would have no idea.

Yeah, man. All right. With Chaley, Chad, Sam, Doug, and Tracy. guests because your podcast listeners would have no idea. Yeah, man. I'm with Shaley, Chad, Sam, Doug, and Tracy. We're in Doug's bar. The Funhouse. And it's nice. Invitation only.

Yeah, or you could probably show up, right? Actually, Sam did kind of invite himself. Did he? Yeah, he did. With a lot, right? Actually, Sam did kind of invite himself. Did he? Yeah, he did. With a lot of caveats. I should have read that today when we did Kreischer's podcast earlier. He was reading old emails he'd sent years ago.

So what happened was I did Bert's podcast, and on it I brought up the fact that years ago I had sent, and first off, not that long ago. It was 2016. He was the first guy I featured for, so I emailed him. First off, afterwards, after the show we did, he was like, hilarious, email me, we'll set up some dates. I want you to work with me again.

So, I mean, that was the first feature I did. I was like, holy shit, this is it. Which is weird because I've never known Bert to be impulsive. Go ahead. Or hyperbolic yeah so for the next three months i emailed him and uh it's weighed on me ever since because he didn't write back and i was like man this is it's so embarrassing that i have those and then when i was talking to him i was like dude i fucking emailed you so many times and he while we're talking because because it was Zoom, he just brought up his email and started reading them.

And they were so uncomfortable to hear you begging for work by the creepiest way. And for the record, this was noontime off of Hangover. We're not drinking. That's something. I'm going to read your email. Fuck you, dude. At midnight. Yeah, but at noon on a Hangover? I was like, yo, I'm out. I'm going to read your email. Fuck you, dude. At midnight.

Yeah, but at noon on a hangover? I was like, yo, I'm out. I'm not going to listen to this. All I heard was Sam yelling, oh, my God, while I was outside. And I was just like, oh, no. I was just glad you bombed after I bombed. Well, he read the one to me before where he was like, hey, Bert, happy birthday. And I was just like, oh, yucky. God, I wish the guy I don't Bert, happy birthday. And I was just like, oh, yucky.

God, I wish the guy I don't know a happy birthday. Because I must have seen it on, like, Twitter. And I was like, anyway, I see that you're at the Syracuse. Get your research. Yeah, it was gross. And then it was like, I see you at the Syracuse Funny Bone. Bone. There's my accent.

Yeah. I had a couple of Miller Lines. I see you're at the Syracuse Funny Bone. Dude, there was one part I was like, I think we mesh well. Yeah, you said mesh. Yeah. Mesh is not a term fellas should use. It has hurt me since then.

Since 2016, I've been holding those emails in my heart. Yeah, man. Just like, man, I'm a fucking coward. I'm a fraud. That's the worst dossier. That's a rough doss. Yeah, dude. And then...

It would have been better if you asked him for child porn. Well, it was nice. True. Significantly better. Oh, yeah. My listeners would be like, oh, hell yeah, dude. He's taking some chances. We know about Bad Baby.

True. When he was talking about, dude, so on that podcast, Burt was like, bring up your recent Google searches. And mine was all like underage girls. He was like, bring up your recent Google searches. And mine was all like, underage girls. He was like, read your Google searches. And I was like, dude, no.

Because me and Sam were drinking like, dude, these chicks are pretty hot. But you got to Google their age. What? Anyway, nothing. Never mind. Welcome to the podcast. This is the brand you asked him about earlier,

I think, on the other podcast. I think it is. You him about earlier, I think, on the other podcast. I think it is. You were searching underage girls. No, no, no. Girls that are hot. So we were talking about Billie Eilish. Yeah.

And he was like, she's super hot. And I was like, oh. So I Googled it, and she's 18. He got it. Sam was all right on that. Yeah, because I remember when she turned 18, all of a sudden there was bikini pics. And then I was like, this girl that's hot on the internet on TikTok I looked at. And then I Googled it.

And the first thing that comes up, you know when you Google certain people, the caption that comes up immediately was just her age. I was like, ah. Yeah, how old was she? She was 17. Yeah, it was uncomfortable. I immediately stopped. I cleared her search out of my Instagram.

I was like, this is bad. You dug a hole and we put your phone in there. Yeah, yeah. We sprayed it with scorpion spray. It was good. No, I wasn't doing anything weird. You know? I mean, you told her happy birthday.

I was like, listen, baby, I think we mesh together. Happy 17th birthday. I'm going to look at the stars. Yeah. All right, guys. What'm going to look at the stars. Alright, guys. What, you guys are turning on me now? Now that it's Matt and Shane, you guys are turning? It's interesting to see.

I think Sam's keeping score now. It's weird. It's been a change. Big comeback. It's the fourth quarter, man. Look, if you're listening to this, you should also go listen to Doug's podcast. Doug, what's the name? Doug Stanhope. The Doug Stanhope Podcast. Alright, good. I should also go listen to Doug's podcast. Doug, what's the name? Doug Stanhope. The Doug Stanhope Podcast. All right, good.

I'm glad you didn't know. Doug's Stinky Clown Hour. Go listen to Doug's podcast because part one of this is on that. We're in Bisbee, Arizona. Maybe your listeners need to know that. A small town on the Mexican border away from everything. And last night, fucking Beavis and Butthead

here, Shane and Sam, go scorpion hunting. I get the UV light, and scorpions glow at night. And you guys, you became fucking children. I mean

in an adorable way yeah Mia Sam do also look like giant children we do yeah I feel like we're both wearing diapers but we don't want to admit it

so we got yeah that fucking UV that scorpion light's incredible I it was incredible I had no idea it was like Kaylee's hair glowing

yeah yeah Shane's Shane's shorts were glowing It was pretty cool Dude don't bring that Weak shit here No dude I mean Well that was the fun part

You know this podcast bro I do know this podcast I can't have weak shit Out of saying this Oh okay yeah well Tell Gerby's that Gerby's rules I know Gerby's rules man

Look I'm a big fan of the pod Patreon subscriber y'all But yeah we had that You didn't say that On our part No he didn't No no I don't But yeah, we had that... He didn't say that on our part. No, he didn't. No, no. No, he certainly didn't. I don't want to be a guest

in your home in fib. We had the scorpion light and Shane would light stuff and then he'd say, go ahead and move that rock, big dog. That'd be like 10-4. But they weren't killing them. He was. I was. I was smooshing. Well, you were using fucking dry wood and smashing them into gravel.

No, they're going to get away. They're not dead. And then Doug would come in and spray them. So the whole squad was in on this, this frenzy. I was a foot soldier. He was the doctor. He was Mengele. And I was watching TV.

So I just finally came down and gave you a fucking can because I couldn't find a belt with a holster so I made you handle it with one hand you heard us giggling too much in the backyard and you were like I better bring some poison to this those boys are having fun without me were you guys just drunk or was there other substances no last night was just

Joby and I got fucking high on uppers one time and did the same thing but we caught them all with tongs and put them in a jar and then fluoresced them when there's like 30 of them and then mass murdered them all at once. Wow, man. You corralled them? Yeah.

You found 30 in a night? I got an anchor at my house. Oh, at your house. Oh, yeah, I was thinking over there. Yeah, and they were doing fucking rocks. Yeah, they were on meth. Yeah, yeah. We were. Yeah, and they were doing fucking rocks. Yeah, they were all meth. Yeah, yeah. We were.

You think it? Yeah. Well, I mean, I don't know what other upper you'd be doing out in the desert. Well, I wasn't going to say that. To fight scorpions. I like to call it dirty Adderall. I think it has a stigma that needs to be removed. I don't like it.

I mean, I like it, but I don't do it, you know, on a regular basis. But I had a neighbor that came by and laid out some fucking lines, and we did it, and then we... You were snorting it? Yeah. Oh, foul behavior. I was slow on light bulbs. Oh, my God.

The only way you end up with a bucket of 30 scorpions is a lot of meth. One line, which is a lot of meth. When you said uppers, I knew it wasn't coke. I was trying to be polite. I don't know. The sun's coming up. The fun's over.

The UV light doesn't work in the daytime. They didn't even have a UV flashlight. They could just see in UV at that point. They could see the glow. To the listeners, Shane's been down here and he has some new interests. Mostly the stars. Oh, yeah. Look at you, man.

Thank God. I went stargazing by myself, which was pretty embarrassing. I got into this town. What was the name of that town in Utah? You remember that. Oh, Kanab? Kanab. I love Kanab.

Yeah, it was a fucking cool town. It's the Hollywood of the Southwest. Is it? Yeah, they used to make all the cowboy movies. Isn't Hollywood the Hollywood of the Southwest? 40s? No, the Southwest, meaning where we're at. 40s, 50s, that was cowboy.

Yeah. No, the town was fucking incredible. Yeah. But I got there, and there was nothing to do. All the restaurants and bars closed at 10 p.m., which was like, all right. I got there at like 9, and then I saw this thing for like looking at it's it's called star party tonight so i just saw a billboard that said that you thought some teens would be hanging out i wasn't sure if there

was gonna be some philly isles just kicking around that sounds like the app they recommend when you download grinder you might also might also like Star Party tonight. I'm sorry, I'm a little bit high and I'm going to fucking derail you for a minute. You're in Kanab, but why is it because when the Olsen twins, there was on the internet, the clock

until they turn 18. That's kind of taken for granted. Oh yeah, she's a hot chick. She's going to turn 18 if she's famous. But if you go, yeah's a hot chick. She's going to turn 18. If she's famous, but if you go, yeah, you know who I can't wait to turn 18? My neighbor's kid. My niece. My neighbor's kid's 17.

We actually installed a clock. I wouldn't have even thrown that thought out there if I didn't think I was never going to do comedy again. I would have actually swallowed that thought, written it down and go, oh, I could write a good bit about this and not waste it on a podcast. But now I don't even fucking write shit down because I'm not doing gigs anytime.

I don't think the Olsen twins were hot enough to necessitate a clock. Aside from the fetal alcohol tint. They were wispy. They were. They don't have enough. I would destroy them. I'd split them in half. Take it easy.

Like a wishbone. You get me up in those Olsen guts? Game over. Especially when they were kids. Stop making me picture stuff. Come on, man. Fucking asshole.

I read your live journal. Hilary Duff was the big one for me. Oh. Remember those days? Yeah, me too, dude. Yeah. Yes. Hilary Duff was hot, but I was her age.

Yeah. So it wasn't creepy. Now she's like a hot mommy. Yeah, she is. Yeah. Was she at Disney? Was she at Disney? She was my princess.

Well. That and Ren Stevens. We've talked about this. Oh, no. We've talked about this on the cast. Ren Stevens, you get it. Damn. Don't Google it.

Because now as I'm sitting here talking about an eighth grader. She was tall she had that long neck she was she was Shia LaBeouf's sister yeah and even Stevens she was

oh in a movie yeah or a show she was hot as beans was disgusting I'm down a fucking wicked rabbit hole

how are you feeling I'm back even Stevens was a show for children I'm just looking for my body yeah dude trust me dude

plain Jane when you were 13 you were 13 you were 13 just a good plain Jane older sister it was funny she had good timing in my era

it was Christy McNichol and you know what you're right I was a McNichol guy McNichol Tatum O'Neal let me see what let me see what

McNichol don't show them Christy McNichol we're going to be embarrassed I'll show her from the pick a good one I'm going to be honest. Ren Stevens holds up.

Oh, for sure. I'm looking at these pictures now thinking, wow, that's a hot kid. Yeah, and she was patient because her brother was a rascal. She still loved him. Yeah. I was like,

I could be a rascal with her. You would. Yeah, for sure, man. Ren. That's actually turned into a whole... Oh, yeah. Oh, sure.

You're a hamburger away from writing a rascal. So quickly. How old is she in that photo? That was a long time ago. The first one that came up was recent, and I tried to get that one out. I don't want to eat that in my head.

That photo that Shane had a visceral reaction to. No, no, no. That's a good one. Yeah, she's cute. What about... This is a classic one. How about the girl that got naked in Fast Times at Ridgemont High?

How old was she in that scene? Old enough to know better. How old was she in that scene? Let's not find out. Yeah, just find out how old she is. Find out when it came out and add a year. Or Brooke Shields. Subtract one.

Subtract one. That's what I mean. I bet she was young and they filmed that. You Googled this before? I Googled this. I'm sure of it. We got to cancel that movie. Well, no, because I remember it was on cable the only time it's on anyway,

so I'm going to watch it. So I Googled what she looked like now to see how she held up. And then her age. And then I did the math. Math on when she did that. Yeah, because that couldn't get made today. And what a sin that is to not be able to make that scene today. Yeah, they should remake it with Bad Baby.

That one showed up on my Instagram once. For some reason, it was like, you might like this. I don't know why. I don't know why. I know why. I like yoga. That's all. You were doing meth and collecting scorpions.

That was a long time ago. How do you feel about child porn? I don't even think they had Instagram back then. That was a long time ago. Are you wearing camo pants and meth and collecting scorpions? You'll love. You're going to love that, baby. than collecting scorpions?

You'll love. You're going to love that, baby. I feel like you're misrepresenting a lot of things into one horrible picture. So anyways, Shane was star searching. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I was in Kanab

and looked up the star party. This guy named Rick called me back immediately after I inquired about it. And he was like, if you can get here in five minutes, you can join the groups. He was like, how many people are with you? I was like, it's just me.

So then I showed up to like – Gotta bring a chick. Yeah, I know. Yeah, he was like – So I got there and it was like a group of 23, probably like 20 to 25-year-old kids from L.A. who just stunk, dude. They sucked. They were, well,

you know how, I don't know. Whenever somebody's like, what do you do? And you're like, comedian. And they're just instantly like, huh. Like, it's like,

what the fuck do you do? He was like, I'm an accountant. And he was like, I was like, ugh. Anyway, so I didn't get along great with the first group. So you were shamed by children? It was me and this group of children at first.

And then also because I'm tall, the guy had microscopes or telescopes that he was elevating to show you things. And then he kept having to body shame this one dude. He kept being like, all right, guys, and then girls and you are next. So he kept having to lower it for this tiny guy. This guy was getting pretty frustrated. He was a petite. He was a petite. He was a petite. He had to go with the women because he was a petite.

A little tiny. And then... Was he one of the teens or was he someone else? He was one of the teens. And then a group of Indians showed up. Like from India. Oh, thanks. I was about to ask.

Not the racist kind. I know. I was watching you fucking come out of that. I was hoping everyone would stay silent. And then they started asking questions. A lot of this came up on the earlier part of the podcast, too. Anyway, the whole thing was great. The couple hated each other, which was fun to watch.

There was an old couple that just kept arguing with each other. The lady was like, I can't find Andromeda. And the guy named Rick was like, just let it go, honey. She was like, it's fucking, I need to find it. Like, they were just fighting the entire time. And they'd be like, all right, adjust. Have you shown them Jupiter yet? And he'd be like, yes, I have.

Thank you. They kept saying thank you back and forth to each other. The biggest planet in our solar system. Yeah, it was fun. But then the time came. Oh, man, this is. This should be just when I'm with Matt. With you guys, it's not that good of a story.

Yes, it is. All right. So when I landed in Salt Lake, I rented a truck to drive down here. But when I went to rent it, I rented like a small truck. The one I picked in the website was like this Nissan, I don't know what they're called. No, it wasn't an Xterra. It was a truck. Like a full-size truck, like an F-150 size? That's what they're called. Xterra? No, it wasn't an Xterra. It was a truck. Like a full-size truck?

Like an F-150 size? That's what they fucking gave me, but the one I wanted was a very small truck. They gave me the biggest Chevy Silverado. This thing's fucking huge. That looks great. I mean, it does look cool. I love that truck, but driving it through the Grand Canyon was fucking terrifying. But this was the night before, so I had this

huge truck. What, you thought you'd hit each side? What? Hold on, wait. Doug woke up for that one. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is high Doug, man. You sound like me on Criterion. It's a giant truck, so giant that it might scrape on each side of the inside of the Grand Canyon.

You drove through the Grand Canyon. Even Sam didn't do that. Through the Grand Canyon. You drove through the Grand Canyon. Do that. Through the Grand Canyon. Take the loss, Doug. It's kind of like those concrete barriers when you're driving through construction in a large vehicle. They can be intimidating, but with the size of this truck, a Chevy Silverado, not what he ordered at all.

He wanted a petite truck. All right. Sam has a similar story that went somewhere without me ruining it. That was good, though. See, Sam? That's how you talk your way out of a bomb. It's like Matt's here. It is.

So, first off, this was the craziest thing I've done in a while. I picture the truck with those crazy balls, the chrome balls. It is. It is that. Yeah, but as you're going through the Grand Canyon, it gets animated, as I imagine it, craziest thing I've done. I picture the truck with those crazy balls, the chrome balls. It is. It is that. Yeah. But as you're going through the Grand Canyon, it gets animated as I imagine it.

But the side scraping. Well, maybe they, maybe. I feel like Santa's going to put it in a meme next. Hurry up, Shanky. He's going to have a diagram.

No, I had like the weirdest, I don't know, something's wrong with me. Like when I landed, I bought this fucking truck. I didn't need to. The guy was like, we have one truck left. He was like, you wanted a truck, right? And I was like, yeah, that's what I have on the website.

And he handed me the keys and he was like, it's a Chevy Silverado. And I was like, damn, I think that's pretty big. And then I walked out to it and I was like, I drive like a Chevy Cruze. Like this thing's, I'm not going to be able to fucking drive this. I got used to it. Don't worry. Maybe you knew who you were. Then I had a lot of... He figured you were in town to drag someone behind the truck. So he gave you the most horsepower. See what I mean, Sam?

See what I mean? You're probably going to have a lot of friends with shotguns that need to ride in the back. Are you writing down truck scraping? I don't have any paper. How is that possible? Because you quit comedy. No, because I just wrote this entire screenplay

or whatever because Sam Talent has on the same trip a rental car story that is kind of opposite. Do, do, do, do, do, do. And now I'm picturing the guy trying to fucking upsell you and downsell you. It's the same guy, but you're in different. At least your feelings weren't hurt when yours happened. Yeah, they tried to put Sam into a, like a.

A wagon mobile. The smallest car possible. Sam's a fucking wagon. No, they tried to put me in a big car because I'm too fat. Oh, that's right. So I showed up and they were like, I can't put you in a subcompact, man. That would be rude. They were like, who booked this car for you? And I was like, I did.

For the listener, Sam Talent is not the kind of fat where you would worry about a car that isn't yours. It's the nicest thing you've ever said to me. I wrote that. Yeah, man. Sam's getting all the compliments. So it's not like, oh my God, you don't fit in a car.

This guy was being fucking rude. Yeah, but I got the subcompact, so it's all good. I could fit my car in the flatbed of your car. I just thought it was funny that the guy's trying to get... He wants a smaller car. Forget it. Oh, they try to charge you 70 bucks. Yeah, they try to upsell me.

Who are they? Budget. Budget. Fuck budget. Those cocksuckers. Anyway, the story's not great. You were saying. The story's not great.

The story's not great. You think Matt would have saved that? Me and Matt would have talked endlessly about it. So I drove up this driveway for this stargazing thing. It's me me and fucking all these weirdos I bought I'm the weirdo I'm by myself and they're like are you what are you doing it's like a comedian it's no one asked any other questions after that so it's just like I this is a this is a lunatic this is a weird dude who just said his job was comedian he's just standing around the groups and then at the end they were like all right

it's 20 that's how much you owed everybody the the couple that ran this show and uh it was cash it had to be cash so i had to leave i was like all right i'll run to that gas station then and so i had to leave the parking lot first and this driveway was like a very, very narrow driveway on both sides with like bushes and cactuses and cacti, shit like that. And it was like 50 yards. And I had to reverse straight out of that in this fucking Chevy. Dude, it took so fucking long that the other people started to leave and they were coming out facing me. So I watched this young group of kids from fucking L.A., these 20-year-old cool kids,

watching me not be able to drive a truck, but my headlights were straight into the front of the car. So I was trying to back out, watching these people be like that. I knew they were like, it's that fucking retarded weirdo that just claimed he was a comedian who now is driving. Dude, I was off the ditch.

The driveway was elevated. I kept backing off and the truck was falling off the road. And then, dude, I was talking to them in the car. I was like, back up. Oh, that's the best. Wait, was it a turny thing?

No, it was just a straight shot. Straight back. Dude, it was narrow on the way in. I was scraping both sides, Doug. You would have loved it. You would have loved it. I loved it, Doug. You would have loved it. You would have loved it. I loved it, Doug. You would have loved it.

If you were in the car, you'd be like, wow. This is comedy, folks. I love when you're talking to someone in the car. I know. I was yelling at them, and then I was getting mad at them. I'm sorry. Are you whispering, too? Yeah.

Yeah, which is weird. My bad. You're getting mad at them. I'm sorry. Are you whispering too? Yeah, which is weird. My bad. You're getting mad at them because you're an idiot and you can't back up It just stunk, dude. That sucks. It was too much power

for you. It was too much power. The Chevy Silverado was too much power. And winner. It was too much girth, dude. I'm more of a cruise guy. Did you go back

and pay the 20 bucks or did you just bail? And then I did and the guy apologized for making me reverse out of the train. He was like, oh, we didn't know that was going to happen. He was so embarrassed for you. Everybody watched. back and pay the 20 bucks and then i did and then i did and the guy apologized for making me reverse out of the joint he was like oh we didn't know that was gonna happen embarrassed for you everybody watched dude i showed up to a star not worth 20 bucks a stargazing thing by myself

and oh this is the best dude so at the end they're asking questions and as the loner i was like don't ask this fucking question. Wait, you had a Q&A at the end of your backup? No, no, no. I've done that several times on this podcast. At the end, there was like a Q&A. And he was like, does anybody, we got any questions about like all the, what we just showed you? The show was the constellations and all that shit.

It was cool. But I was like, have you guys ever seen any UFOs? And everybody in every group looked at me like, Jesus Christ, of course, that's what that guy asked. But immediately this old couple was like, of course that's what that guy asked. But immediately this old couple was like, of course we have. We've seen several and I was like, I knew you guys had. Tell me about them.

Then that guy asked if you would fuck his wife. So I asked the UFO question. I asked the UFO question. They explain it. They say, we don't like to talk about it. And then I get my truck and reverse and hold everybody up the whole reverse out

oh it was terrible with your headlights in their eyes I can see them you can't turn the headlights off anymore there's just nothing you can do clear as day I'm watching these people talk shit on me it's like you're backing out of a bar fight like Billy Ray Schaefer

waving that bottle you're backing out you can't fight yeah like billy ray shaffer waving that bottle billy you're not backing out you can't see me i can't see i bet whatever video like they probably posted that on tick tock and got like a hundred thousand years boy yeah man asks about ufos and then reverses straight into a ditch child with pituitary issues backs out of Star Party. How come they were turned around and you weren't? Because they were in a small car. And I was the first one that had to leave. Yeah.

And last one there. I literally told the Indian people, I was like, could you guys go first? And they're like, no. They said fucking no to me. And then I was like, I'm not going to argue. I'm going to do this. Yeah. And it was terrible.

I'm sorry that happened to you. The fucking. I have a question. argue. I'm going to do this. Yeah. And it was terrible. I'm sorry that happened to you. The fucking... I have a question. Yeah. I don't know if this has been covered when I wasn't paying attention, but did you go back and give him the 20 bucks? I certainly did. Did that get covered?

Met Rick halfway. Okay, thank you. Halfway. Just wanted clarification. Back to the panel. Yeah, he had to go back and fuck Rick's wife. Rick's wife could get it. But you know what they did

that fucking annoyed me the whole time? Was she was clearly like one of those like super liberals that had to be like, and guess who discovered this star?

Women. Yeah. And I was just sitting there like, all right, lady, you want to do that? You want to count these stars? She kept saying, Oprah discovered the moon.

You had some fun star facts, though. I did have some good facts. I can point them out now. I can find Polaris at any moment. You tell me when. Oh, as soon as you want him to take off his shirt. Oh, yeah. God damn it.

Listen to part one. We didn't talk about Cody shaking my hand last night. No, we didn't talk about that. Did we? No. That was on the podcast? That was part one. All right.

I think. I thought that might have been something you told me in the interim because you brought up stargazing again. I thought, oh, he's starting this from scratch because this is the other podcast. No. No, fuck it. Shane was dabbling in courtship, maybe. He was trying to experiment with bay hunting,

and this young lady brought over an indigenous, a man of the tribe. Which I was excited about because I've been reading about Indians a lot lately. So I was excited to meet one. And he fucking disappointed me. I loved him. He ended up being great, but I was expecting a brave. Well, before he got there, I was like, I'm going to give him the fake handshake, you know, because I had your back.

Yeah, Sam wanted to set dominance early on this guy. Yeah, I wanted to establish who the alpha was. And he said he was going to hit him with the fake handshake. The old too slow, adjust your hair. Yeah. And then it was brutal. Tell the story. Tell what happened.

Well, yeah, I was like, I'll do this for you, Shane. This is your honor on the line. It was a sick move. Yeah, well, no, I'll do this for you, Shane. This is your honor on the line. It was a sick move. Yeah, well, no, you were like, do it, pussy. And I was like, all right. Fine. Quit making me name 10 candy bars. And yeah, so I was like, I'm going to do that.

But I'm going to have to apologize right away. And you were like, just do it. That's funny. And I was like, all right. So I went for it. And before I could pull my hand away, he grabbed three of my fingers. He got the handshake. Yeah.

He got the handshake and Sam still went for it. I still yanked it out and was like, ha-ha, got you. And then I was like, I'm very sorry. Hello. What was perfect about it was I didn't see it. I was looking the other way. So Sam just did this to a complete stranger. For you.

For me, for my honor, when no one was looking. So all I heard was Sam just go, oh, I'm so sorry. I turned around. I was like, holy shit, did you actually do that? And then Cody sat down and kept calling us sir. Cody, dude, I didn't know they were Marines. Almost sir, yes sir. Yeah.

A couple times he doubled down on two sirs in one sentence. We go, those are some hard motherfuckers up there in those hills. I was like, you mean the volunteers? He's like, the prisoners. We were talking about. We were talking about. They are the brave warriors. They communicate on the wind.

This is not at all accurate. No, no. He didn't talk like that. Cody did rule. In fact, Sam was talking about it today. He was like, we need to get him on the cast. If you listen to the podcast, you would love what Cody was about. He had some big ideas.

He had some pretty crazy ideas about race. He ruled. He wasn't afraid to share with the complete strangers. He blasted an end right away. He hit a hard end early. It was one of those that the whole party was just like, whoa, dude, just chill out. Yeah, Agent Cody Bench was in the house. He was wild.

Sorry about that, Doug. Get in here. I want to hear you say something. You're hot right now, I can tell. No, no, I'm fucking high going, did we do this on Bert Kreischer? Yeah, we did it on Bert's. The handshake thing. Yeah, the one where-

All right, I didn't know if people are coming out of us just telling that story or if that was three hours ago. So yeah, that's the look on my face. Other than that, it's consternation. Yeah, I've done four and a half hours of podcasts today, and for two and a half of them, I was bombing pretty hard. But now I think that I've reclaimed my mantle. Yeah, I don't even know what you're saying.

Now you're home, dude. Yeah, I'm back. That was Matt and Shane. Shout out to Billy. Shout out to Spud. Yeah, man. War Mode. You get my money every month.

Let's get to the bottom of Soros, man. We need to. Where are the teeth, Billy? Oh, God, dude. No. We need to get Cody on War Mode. Dude, he would crush. He would crush War Mode.

Yeah, Sam, tell the people about your book I know we did that in part one but if they're just listening to Matt and Shane's oh yeah buy my book man I wrote the best book ever Shane refuses to read it because he's intimidated by my intellect yeah Shane and I are bored by it

yeah he doesn't like when I say plaintive but we met in Montreal and I met you in that elevator. And I was like, hey, man, are you Shane? And you were like, yeah. You were all big-eyed. You took your earbuds out. You quit listening to Slipknot.

You think I listened? Obviously, it was Drake, dude. I think you were getting pumped. Drake. What are you talking about? No, I know. You hate my music. How dare you?

How dare you accuse me of jugglery? But we met up there and we talked and it was fun. And then Soder pretty much told you to quit bothering him and hang out with me. Because you were feeling yourself after you killed at the big showcase. Thanks. Yeah, and then we drank a bunch of beers and we've maintained an online friendship. But I wrote a book. It's very good.

Running the Light. It's about an old road dog comic who does a bunch of blow. And if you listen to this cast, it's no Overlook. But yeah, buy it. SamTalent.com.

Yeah, with two L's. Talent. Yeah. Not the regular way. The carny way. Yeah, buy the book, man. Everybody that's read it has said really great

things about it. And a lot of people haven't read it. I guess Matt is generally the guy that guides your podcast because I'm sitting back thinking you'll just take read it. I guess Matt is generally the guy that guides your podcast because I'm sitting back thinking you'll just take the reins.

You're not keeping Matt's the guy. Matt does guide it. Matt has ideas and theories and then I say that's a crazy idea. You want to bully my big fat baby on Burt Kreischer's podcast? I'll bully you on yours. Doug, I let you

and your gang of carnies ruin the first part. Chad's over here counting scorpions. Chad, you're not one of the carnies, dude. You're a militia. Yeah. I appreciate that. Like a mercenary. Yeah, dude.

He'll kill for the highest bidder. No, get in here. Get fired up, dude. Oh, I'm here. I'm sure you are. You really checked out when we switched. I just decided not to talk about when I wear my reading glasses on my head and I feel them here and then I take them off and I still feel them there half an hour later.

And then, yeah, I go, I'm not going to even talk about that. It goes nowhere. So I was letting you carry on to a point where you engaged me again, and I could go down some rabbit hole of whatever you're talking about. As long as I know we haven't already talked about it today, because I don't know if this podcast is the last podcast or if Bert is watching us. Also, I feel super old listening to these guys.

I'm very entertained, and they're funny, but I feel really old, and these guys I'm very entertained and they're funny but I feel really old and I bet you feel even older I didn't until today me and Sam are so fucking hip

yeah we're teens yeah having them because they're both fucking adults they both have accomplished things I respect

both of their arts whoa thanks Doug well you don't fucking put it on a back of a book too late I respect both of their arts. Whoa. Thanks, Doug. Well, you don't fucking put it on the back of a book. Too late. You're on the new front. No, I did that.

A couple quotes for one of the books. I was like, oh, they tweeted it, so I'm just going to put it on the book. Well, I did that 100%. I took your tweet and put it on the back of my book. Oh, the new cover? Yeah. Fuck yeah. Why didn't you just ask me to write something special?

Well, I wanted you to write the post word, but I thought that'd be insane. I wanted Shane to write it. How many editions of this book? There's going to be a lot. It's a book. It's so good. It's a very good book. What the fuck was that?

I missed some transition there. My fucking head is a bit fragmented. But I think we're good. Chaley left, so... Woo! No teacher! No teacher! We walked Chaley.

Yeah. All right, Chad. Tell us how many people you've killed. That's a ridiculous question, Sam. Chad, you were talking about... You know there's zero statute of limitations on that. Nobody talks about that. He just pulled a knife.

And he won't be talking about it again. We're down to three. He walked him. I'm out of here. Oh, man. So you said earlier, you drank Coronas when you were younger because they had thick glasses so you could hit people with them.

Yeah, I was violent when I was younger, for sure. So I chose my beer based on the heft of the bottle. How often did that happen? A couple of times. Hit people in the face? Oh, yes. Oh, man. That's the... That rules.

That's the most reasonable and mild of the stories that I've ever heard. I mean, that actually... I'm not even ashamed of those ones. Those ones seem perfectly logical. Yeah, and Chad's a big man if you're listening. You could bring the rocket.

It'd be a real bummer to get hit in the face with a bottle. Did you ever break it over the head or would you break it on the table? No, no, you just hit them with it like a bat. Yeah.

A lot of times they don't even break. Solid. When you pick the bottle with heft, it doesn't break.

I tried. I don't think they make it. Probably sounds like the college world series, that fucking ping off the bat.

You know what I mean? And then a Dominican guy's running away. Yeah, I used to drink Mickey's 40s. Because they were a good tool of destruction as well. You could defend yourself. A little short barrel looking bottle.

No, the 40s. Oh, yeah, yeah. The big green. Because we'd go to a lot of rival parties in high school and have to fight our way out of there. Luckily, that doesn't happen anymore. Now when I go to a high school party parties in high school and have to fight our way out of there. Luckily, that doesn't happen anymore. Now when I go to a high school party, they herald me as a king.

Like the conqueror's back. Well, you can beat everybody up. I mean, that's really how it works. Yeah, or you can threaten to call the law the whole time. Yeah. Say, I'll shut this party down. I'm going to fuck your girlfriend. Bring me the hottest kid here.

Bring me the boy. Or I'll ruin this party. It's like in Blood Maroon, I'm the judge. I just. Bring me the hottest kid here. Bring me the boy. Or I'll ruin this party. It's like in Blood Maroon, I'm the judge. I just have an idget on a chain. It is very spooky down here, man. This desert. Yeah. It's cool.

What do you think of the desert, Doug? Oh, I was just thinking about Patrick Dunn. All right. Junior high school. And he was like a giant nerd. So you see where this is going. So I was the picked upon kid, but I thought I could pick on nerds. And I fucked with Patrick Dunn, this giant kid.

And he fucking picked me up like a movie scene and held me against the wall. I went, okay. And twice I've run into Patrick Dunn. The two last times we did Ralph's Chadwick Square Diner. Patrick Dunn is still there. And it's one of my few memories of all of middle school. He's like, yeah, I remember. Yeah, you brought this up last time you played here.

But you're such a fucking giant nerd like Patrick Dunn. When you just said you hit someone or even had to fight anyone. I was a jock, man. Yeah, but you were a jock that also was in theater. Yeah, I was. I was multifaceted, you mean? I was everything to everyone? I think it's called half a something.

Oh, yeah. I gave that up for lent said that word but that's called half of something it's a false flag you dwarf chad shank who's a huge person to us yeah and i but he comes across as a badass where you come across as Patrick Dunn. Chad would rip you in half. You could lift me up, but you wouldn't. You're a fucking Lenny, mice and men, gentle. You're a nerd, I thought.

Like, you know big words? The comments just cascade. I know. What about this? I thought you would take Brian Posehn's mantle of a giant nerd that could hurt you,

but he wouldn't even think to do it. Twist the knife. What's nice is, I've been a part of this. He just stabbed you with a blowing up knife. For three weeks, I've been a part of this. Every once in a while, Doug will turn on you. Boy, it hurts.

Damn. Just me and him drinking by ourselves. He starts hitting me with shit like that. But no, I don't think any of this is bad. I know. That's why you keep saying it. You just want a Brian Posehn. Brian Posehn was a writer on The Man Show.

Give him his credit. Yeah, he's obviously a great at comedy, but you don't want to physically be him. That too, Doug A? It does suck to be known as a nerd now that I'm a successful author. Oh, I... See, I took...

Instead of a renegade... I took the Brian Posehn thing the bad... Like, I thought you... Oh, his looks. Yeah, but he's a giant nerd. I came down here looking tough and then you shorned me

and dyed my hair. I thought that's why you like fucking all the music Chaley likes. You're like one of those... You mean punk rock? Yeah, shit like that. And the revolutionaries? Yeah, but those are almost always just for dorks. I'm not listening to Operation Ivy.

I did get in my car and play Misfits really loud, so... After I bombed on Bird. That's a good cleanser. I do feel like Chad could wear my face as a mask. I don't want to pile on, but whenever... Oh, God.

I want you to pile on because I forgot what I was saying. Whenever I first went on the road with you guys and I met Sam, whatever town we stopped in, everybody was like, I remember the gig. This is Sam. Oh, have you met Sam? You've got to meet Sam. And it might be a false memory memory so you can call me bullshit, but I think Sam

was barefoot at the fucking club and I was like, that guy's like a big hobbit, man. Fuck. That's a... Was I wearing overalls? I don't remember. I think you might have been. Fuck. Yeah.

I think you might have been. I was in a phase at that point. What was that phase? It was my hippie phase. Hobbit. How long ago were you a hippie phase? I mean, I would be shoeless. I would wear Bulwark brand coveralls or overalls.

Damn, bro. Yeah. You do so much shit that I should hate, but I do like you. I do like you. You are the man. I think it's because you're good at stand-up that I look past the... Whoa. How did that actual compliment get through?

Well, Sam does rule. Sam's drinking Sam's one of the few guys that's he's very good at stand up and he's gay I am yeah those two usually fuck up well yeah I rode for you hard when all the alt guys were like Shane sucks he's a monster

I was like you couldn't follow his ass this guy would smoke you this guy would bury your punk ass with your fucking they them pronouns yes I gotta chill I shouldn't be on the air right now This guy would smoke you. This guy would bury your punk ass with your fucking they-them pronouns. Yes. I got to chill. I got to chill. I shouldn't be on the air right now. I shouldn't even be on the air right now.

Yeah, man. Oh, cool. You're an Asian person in your wheelchair? Speaking of Asian people, who's making us dinner? What? Cody. Cody's getting cactus right now in the desert. Cody.

We were watching the old... We were watching a college football... Hang on, I have to take that back. This is your podcast. I was referring to Chad's wife, who's aged... You go home. You go home now.

Oh, no. I thought she was Lakota, man. I'm sorry. You have the high cheekbones. Very pretty wife, by the way. Jesus, dude. Yeah, I think that's a... What? Way to go. That is a very polite way of saying

whenever I had been hanging out here for a while before I brought my wife over to Stanhope's and Stanhope just goes yeah that's not what I pictured no dude so I know what you're talking about Shane sometimes Stanhope will just cut you hard yeah he'll hit you with a hard one and I'll be like what

nothing man I'm going to bed. It is weird to be a big monster person and have a pretty bride. Because I relate. Well, you're charming. I am charming. I have the same effect. You do.

And I think they fear our power. Could be. Shane, dig out. Go, go, go. Dig out? No, no. It's not my podcast. Yeah, it is.

I don't know what happened. Oh, fuck, I forgot we were podcasting. Shit. I talked on yours. Yeah, but you're not talking to me. You're staring down at your fucking... I'm talking to you. What's going on, man?

Hey, how are you? How are you feeling? It's fantastic to have you back. Shane does love to do that to people. We'd be just sitting there talking to him, and then it's like he came out of a coma, and he's like, hey, what are you up to? Hey, what's going on? What's going on, man?

I want to get Doug rolling here. Both of you have been fantastic house guests. Oh, thank you. You sleep late. You need nothing. I haven't this trip. How about that? Yeah.

Well, yeah, you're getting up to fucking date the judge's daughter for breakfast. Who can talk to? Oh, you made the plan last night. Yeah, that was the problem. Oh, yeah. I'm going to go talk to someone with nothing to say. Oh, boy. That was.

Look. That's. Ah, never mind. I'm not going to trash that. You know the feeling, listeners, when you've made a mistake and you don't realize it until right after you cum. Rogan in his early years called it post-cum syndrome

where you go, oh fuck, I have nothing to say. So you did the reverse of that. You did the non-cum. I did pre-cum.. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You did the none cum. I did pre-cum. No cum, by the way. No cum. So you still had to have

the awkward after effect at breakfast hungover. Yeah, but I'll tell you this. The cum that's still in you can charge you through a very awkward conversation. Yeah, don't talk to an old man about glorious memories.

After a bird's pod, I went and ate something and then I went down and I jerked in the house. Oh, nice. Yeah, that's how sad I was. I actually haven't jerked. I haven't jerked in, yeah, since I've been here.

I haven't jerked since. You're staying in my properties. You don't tell me. Especially when the maid is going to listen to this, and she's going to see, hey, what was Shane's blind date review? Would you go on another date? I'll pay for it. It's Mornings Cafe.

I have a tab. Why would you say? I didn't say anything. That's the maid that's going to have to clean up. She's listening to this podcast. She's going to have to make that bed that you just said you jerked off in. And you're not the good looking one of the two of you fucking monsters. Wow, I'm the good looking one. What?

Well, that's pretty as Denny's wages. What the fuck? That's definitely a photo finish though, Shane. Don't fucking celebrate too much, man. Get the fuck out of here. I definitely have Sam beat by a fucking furlong. This calzone face swinger

versus me? Sam, I promise you're definitely grosser. No, come on. You are gross. I'm gross? You're very gross. You're pretty gross, Sam. I'm just saying.

I mean, I am too, but you gotta know that you're gross. This is fucked up for me to say. I think Chad's got you pretty good as well. Oh, what? Yeah, I'm the big guy. I feel like Chad's here from the future to warn me.

This is like looking into a mirror. It's like you're gonna get into scorpions and methamphetamine, all right? You are shrinking. You are shrinking

a little bit. You do look about the same age. Yeah, Chad could have fucked my mom. That would be an honor. No, you and Chad look about the same age. Oh, brutal. You look old as fuck.

Chad. Well, I'm only saying because people think I'm a lot older than what I am. How old are you? 45. Yeah, that makes sense. I don't think you look that much older than that. No.

You carry yourself like a 45-year-old. You know, you don't... You're balling out, dude. Thanks. I don't know what that means. Yeah, that's not right at all. You rule.

I'm pro-Chad. I'm very pro-Chad. By the way, Phoebe Cates was 18 when Fast Times was under production, which is 1981. Dodge that bullet.

Yeah. Thankfully. I want to say this. The last time Doug was talking about what fantastic house guests you are, and the last time when Sam was here, we spatchcocked the turkey, smoked it,

it went into the little house, I think, for a day and a half or two. And you ate as much of that as you could. I did. I finished the rest. Correct. And just a couple days ago, I went in there into the fridge to see what the stores were. What's going on? Do we need ice?

I go, who ate two-thirds of a pizza a frozen pizza no and left it left it in there in the box in the box like and then right covered in the plastic so it didn't get freezer burning he had to cut the pieces out of a frozen pizza frozen pizza put the leftovers back in the box and put it in the freezer. I plead the fifth. Did you do something like that? I love him for that. He ate what he wanted. I did. He used the parts he was going to use. To be fair, I only ate that much because that's all I could fit in the microwave.

Yes. That's right. It wasn't any kind of... Portion control. No. I would have gladly eaten the entire pizza. Last night I hit a shame. I told you the kitchen, you can use the main house kitchen.

I ate moldy tortellini last night. Yeah. You ate out of, oh, that fridge down there? Yeah. He showed me it, and I was like, man, I'm jealous of that. Yeah. And they told me he was getting sick, and I was like, good. Yeah, it was moldy tortellini.

Good, I'm glad that tortellini was moldy. I ate it. Maybe it was spinach. No, no. Tortellini. No, it was cheese tortellini. And you still ate my spaghetti afterwards. That's nice.

You got sick the night before, too, from old food. You're a goddamn raccoon. Oh, he got sick from the spaghetti? He got sick from another pasta the night before, didn't he? I did not get sick. I ate too much of the tomato sauce that Doug provides for all these paramours. Oh, here comes Mr. Vocabulary. Hey, Vocabulary.

Tell us some of your diction. I'm microwaving frozen pizza a slice at a time, but I'm going to use Paramore. Beat it. At least I don't listen to it like you. Paramore? Yeah. I'd listen to Paramore. Now that you bring it up, I would listen to that.

Shut up, dude. That'd listen to Paramore. Now that you bring it up, I would listen to that. Shut up, dude. That's what you sound like. A little fart noise, baby face. No, I did. I was guilty of the pizza situation. I love that you did that. But I did mean to throw away the evidence. No, that's wasting.

That's a negative. No. You had to throw away the evidence. No, I ate the other piece. You ate it. I ate the third. Okay. Sam just feels a lot better. Yeah. No. You should have thrown away the pre-supper pizza. No, I ate the other piece. You ate it. I ate the third. Okay. Sam just feels a lot better. Yeah. You, Chaley. Absolutely. So do I. Doug liked that too.

He's like, oh, that's Sam. I'm like, what? Who does that? And I'm like, wait. He didn't throw away a third of the pizza. No. And also, you come down here and you get fucking blackout drunk. Doug goes to sleep at 10.30. And I'm up on top of the funhouse completely nude, trying to find Uranus. And then I just winked at Shane.

And yeah, so then you go back in the funhouse at 3 a.m. and you microwave part of a pizza. Yeah. No, I'm with you. Did I try to eat some of it raw? Maybe. Because the stove doesn't work over there. Yeah, it does. I know. I told you. Use the fucking kitchen.

You don't want to use it, though. I don't want to come in the house and have you wake up at 3 a.m. and find me eating pizza. You know how awful that would be? Do you know how mean he looks? I'm so far on the left. Shubby shorts. You're so fat, you're eating pizza. You woke me up.

I have woken up in the middle of the night in Stanholm's house with my big fat drunk ass and knew that I just needed to put some food on top of all the alcohol and just ate cold tortillas by the fistful he never woke up and judged me at all so you were fine just go

in there and eat man he's passed out he didn't know he's down or you just need to know how to make a good life lesson So you were fine. Just go in there and eat, man. He's passed out. He didn't wake up. No, he's down. Or you just need to know how to make a good life lesson. After the addition has been built, now I am so far away from the kitchen. We're installing a track for a shuttle. I'm not even on that side of the... I'm on the west wing. Well, yeah, now it's even better.

Fucking presidential. I used to wake up, we'd have to sleep in the rooms right next to each other that was separated by the bathroom, and you'd wake up with the hangover shit so bad that I'd be going, I would just go home at 5 in the morning because I had no choice. Yeah, you didn't want to be a rude guest. I'm not going to go in that bathroom right there and shit next to Stan Hope's head. You don't need Fred Norris if you have lips.

When I was first dating my wife one time, I held in a dump. It was like a really small apartment studio. Yeah, you have to. And I didn't want a dump where she could hear it, you know, ruin her femininity. So instead I went outside and I was going to walk across like a block away to the coffee shop. And instead I just shit my pants in the alleyway. Oh my God, dude. Yeah. How are are you shocked you're the grossest one i'm gross baby i'm leaning into it i know you're gross no you weren't no you weren't yeah 10 minutes ago you're like what i'm gross you're right you're right and then you choose to tell that story you were right

to correct that's his that's it i apologize that is Sam's second on a podcast shit his pants story. He's got a Rolodex like fucking Joan Rivers of all his best shit in the pants stories. Well, when you're eating poison tortellini after drinking 12 Miller Lights and besmirching a native, you're going to dunk your pants. That native ruled, though. Yeah. What did I say when I brought you into that house? Don't say besmirch.

As I crossed the doorway. Knock it off. As I crossed the doorway, I said, this is your comedy condo. What do you do first if you're eating strange food in a comedy condo? Check the expiration? I did. Make sure John Fox didn't jerk off in the mayonnaise. Yeah, the mayonnaise trick. No, I did check the expiration. It said June 9th, but it was in the expiration. I did. Make sure John Fox didn't jerk off in the mayonnaise. Yeah, the mayonnaise trick.

No, I did check the expiration. It said June 9th, but it was in the freezer. So I thought I was safe. Oh, they didn't freeze it till August when it was already moldy. Last week. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that the fridge doesn't work there. It doesn't. Oh, good.

I tried to have that replaced. I had some friction with some help. Yeah, but the fact that you're going down, finding refrigerators, taking fucking tortellini out of it. I mean, what are you doing, dude? I was trying to impress you. I was trying to make you jealous of my bounty.

It did make me jealous. I know. I was one eye on the cell phone last night looking at your tortellini. And I was like, man, I wish I had some tortellini. And you're like, man, I'm sick. And I was like, man, I wish I had some tortellini. And they were like, man, I'm sick. And I was like,

yes, yes, yes. But I did vindicate by finding some macaroni and cheese and I ate that. We have to wrap up. But are you guys serious?

Because you've mentioned this a couple times over the last couple podcasts. Do you text pictures to each other I've never sent him one picture no yeah at night here's been here he sent me pictures and I was like at night here was a video what do you want me to do do

you want no stop he's saying he sent you a video of him boiling moldy tortellini have you left here to go like yes a apart. Yes, he started texting me. Wait, you knew it was moldy when you were boiling it and you still ate it? That's not the point, Chad. What the fuck? No, Sam's obsessed with me. He's obsessed with me. Oh, yeah?

That's where we're going? It's disgusting. But I allow it because he's a great writer. He's definitely more of an author than a comedian. Fuck you. This guy, he's like, I don't read books. He moved to Spain to read Hemingway.

Shut up. Shut up. Shut yourself up. What? Yeah. He went to Spain after. Not that dude books are gay. I don't like learning.

He was kicked off of football so he's like, I'm going to go to Spain and become a poet. You were writing poetry. I read the, I listened to the poetry. Ah, the poetry.

That's, all right, other than the email to Bert, there's a poem out there. There's a poem I wrote wrote a lady that still exists. Fuck. And if somebody finds that, I have to kill myself. Or them.

Yeah, Chad. We got a mercenary. I'm going to get you a line of meth, dude. You got to find this. You give me a line of meth, I'm just going to look up online for that poem and post it. Let you kill yourself. Yes. The fuck, Chad?

I was supporting you. Work smarter, not harder. I was supporting the fuck, Chad? I was supporting you. Work smarter, not harder. I was supporting your habits, Chad. I already told you I don't have those kind of habits. All right. Yeah, we got to wrap it up. Thanks for listening. Sam Talent, check out his book. Check out Doug's book. Yeah, it's very good.

Yeah, dude. No encore for the donkey. It fucking rules. You say it's his best one? Yeah, definitely. Nice. Audible.com. Audible.com for Doug's. And I think Sam's will be there. But go to Sam's website for his. SamTalent.com. SamTalent.com.

Buy it there. Two L's. And thanks for listening, guys.