Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 317- Barndog

Episode Date: September 30, 2020

Brendan Krick joins the D.A.W.G.Z. for a rather lengthy chat. We did this via zoom due to Matt coming into contact with a person who is Covid+ (got tested doesn't have it) and so we brought in the Coward Hour's own, Brendan Krick. Topics include: Black Israelites, Shane and Brendan's early party days, The Midway Airport Battle of WW2, and much much more.   

All right, we're live on Barn Dog 2. Like you were saying, I checked into it. It actually was 6 million. It wasn't like 2, whatever you're saying. I forget. Okay, I thought it was a lot less. But thanks for that. Your screen went off when you said that dastardly joke.

Those aren't jokes, Matt. We don't start with hate speech. No, I was just Barn dog was like making some arguments before i'm like i bet he was i'm pretty sure it was actually you know exactly six million it wasn't 2.5 that's what that's one of the funniest hate crimes of like having a mathematical debate i'll give you five million that's as far as i can go yeah the less anti-semitic i thought it was 12 million to be honest.

All of my sources, I thought they actually killed all the Jews besides Adam and Eve. That's a stick it won't take. It's like, actually it was like

25 million Jews. That is pretty tight. Good start. And they were all black. They were black Israelites? Six million. That's what nobody talks about, dude. That's what nobody talks about that's what nobody talks about they're all black well it makes sense because because germans have terrible senses of humor so like they got hit with those black israelites and they got fired up dude they were like this must stop

i mean he called me hansel and gretel looking ass motherfucker. There is no room for this. That'd be so funny if they're actually plagued by black Israelites. Dude, if your country got overrun by black Israelites, that would be a huge problem. They're all jacked. I don't know how you're going to round them up. Black Israelites will fuck you up, dude. Bunch of dudes dressed like pharaohs.

You're not getting blown a train. No. It's across the board that we all agree they do rule. For sure. Barn Dog. So we're here live with our guest the barn dog dude that's just a studio brandon crick is this a suit yeah dude uh this is my bedroom uh

but i have the mic on a stand doesn't that look nice it does i like to hold i like to hold a speaker that you don't need to hold. Yeah. I have to, I have to hold this in my lap right now because I have no, I'm in my fucking third floor because my basement is just, there's just tons of water coming through the pipe. So it would be a constant, like in the background.

The chair is wild, man. You look like you're at a WeWork. It's a beanbag, baby. It's a beanbag. Yeah. Oh,

that'll be back with like a full, it's a boy bag against leaning the bean bag against a chair this thing takes form if you stand this thing up and fall back in i could do it you fall back into it let me see you do that all right check this out hold on to the uh to the audio listeners yeah you're missing out dude matt's in his sweatpants He's about to dive onto a beanbag Is that like a full beanbag mattress? Looks like it I'm gonna have to get it re-beamed

Alright I take back That was pretty sick It's the last thing I need I take back. Come on now. That was pretty sick. All right. That's the last thing I need. I'm farting around. The last thing I need is a chair that allows me to just fall over whenever I want. This is the one, like the few calories I burn are getting in and out of chairs. Speaking of, I almost fell today, dude. What? took a nasty spill on the way into a sheets

did you really one of my one of my sandals caught the uh all right so it was raining and i guess the parking line was like fresh enough painted that it was slick so one of my one of my feet while i was watching went out then i bashed the toe, stubbed it so bad it ripped the sock, and my toe was bleeding, aggressively bleeding. And I limped into the sheets with a bloody toe, with a hole in a sock, limped in with a bloody toe sticking out, and bought two cans of Skull and had to ask the guy you guys don't have any band-aids do you?

and he dude I gotta fucking show him the wound I can't see it oh you blew the sock out? yeah did you put a band-aid on your sock? oh is this just painter's tape? Oh, you blew the sock out? Yeah. Did you put a Band-Aid on your sock? Oh.

Is this just painter's tape? Oh, man, it's worse than I thought it was. Dude. Oh. Oh, Christ. Yeah, I fucking dinged it up, dude. Yeah, stores fucking hate when you ask for first aid. I tried that shit at Home Depot once.

You can't ask for medical assistance. Sheets. You injured yourself in the depot before, Barn Dog? Yeah, I was, like, picking up a light bulb, and the side of it was sharp, and I just, like, slashed down my palm. And it's, like, already to find someone. It's hard to find someone in there

if, like, you're just looking for where a thing is. But, like, I'm just, like, bleeding, and I can't find it. It's, like, bleeding on the ground the ground yeah of course they hate that yeah man it fucks up their injury free shit that's like a big deal also i know that they're like where all the screws are and they have that tv of the guy watching you so i'm like well that guy's doing nothing yeah i mean coming into a button or something entering a sheets with a bloody foot and being like you wouldn't happen to have any bandages would you i was like i actually have some band-aids in the back he gave me his personal band-aid did he really yeah and then and then

after he handed me the band-aids he was like you mind filling out a survey for me and i was like yeah sure and i immediately threw out the receipt with the survey. Idiot. Going into a Sheetz like that, it makes it look like you were driving, bleeding, like trying to find a place. Trying to get to a Sheetz. Specifically be a Sheetz.

Yeah, that's where I get my, I don't have health insurance, so I just have to barter with Sheetz cashiers for health. You're passing Wawa's just like, no. It won't do. It must be Sheetz. I'm pumped this cashier has like a field kit on him, Justin King. It was impressive he had Band-Aids. Yeah, I can't find them in my house half the time.

I don't think I've ever had Band-Aids, like even purchased or owned them. Yeah, no, I have them. I've ever had Band-Aids, like even purchased or owned them. Yeah. No, I have them. I bought them. I slice myself up pretty regularly. Yeah, you cut yourself relatively often. Yeah, so I'll cop Band-Aids. You're a cutter.

Yeah. Barn dog. Yes. It's good to finally – all right, so for those of you who don't know, me and the barn dog started together back in central PA. Yep. Barn PA. Yep. I was like, right. Yeah.

Moved to Philly, lived with me and Matt. And then barn dog went separate ways and went to LA to become a Hollywood star. I like to see you getting chubby again. You get a little chubbier now you're not fat no you're wrong i'm actually the fastest i've ever been or at least that's when you're the best i weighed the most when i was drinking i was lighter but it was like it it was shaped worse like pocketed in weird areas so this is like sober fat. It's just like a pure, clean fat. Yeah, that's the best fat.

Just straight food. Yeah. It's truly the most impressive fat. Only from food. Incredible. I have no vices. I don't even drink caffeine anymore, and I still look like shit. Fluff?

Gluttony? I see two. Damn, dude. I can't believe my toe is still bleeding. Yeah, that was like a, that's still like a fresh gate, like a gaping wound. Yeah, I had to go do my sock was the sock I was wearing was like wet with blood when I walked into the sheets. That's my, that's my plan x right now if everything fails i'm gonna get a job at home depot put on the orange vest and then just unload a ton of lumber onto myself and just die and let my family get the life insurance slash the lawsuit it's a fucking sick move i'm to drive a forklift. Do you look at the camera and try to frame it better?

I'm going to get a forklift and just buzz around and get really good in frame and just lift the heaviest thing up and then just drop it really quick on myself. Man. Dude, let me get on this. We'll fucking drive two forklifts into each other. What's better than those industrial, like those videos of dudes in giant warehouses where they

like in one of those forklifts just clip like a corner lightly and the whole warehouse collapses have you seen those dudes like literally like a ton weight like a ton of product lands on these dudes in forklifts i was wondering like who's publishing that footage i mean there's endless footage of what you're describing dude that's i have tried to watch to the end of it there's no end it's a good way it's a good way to go matt you're exactly right that's the most honorable way for a man to die these days for sure like being an indian on a train those are some sick live leak deaths oh they're

just grabbing a wire while you're sitting on the roof there's like 20 other guys on the roof with you so you should know better you're gonna kill everybody just conducting it if coronavirus continues to destroy the american economy i'm gonna start doing pull-ups on like skyscraper skyscraper beams and just let whatever happens, happens. Let it ride. Just try to get the right views on YouTube and just let go. We did it. Yeah.

It's just... We should get like suicide... Let me do it. On TikTok, on fucking like rebar. Yeah, Amazon's going to get that, man. People are going to do the math and like hit 40 and be like, all right, we all work basically for Amazon amazon we all work for basically two companies now the honorable thing to do is like on your 40th birthday just have feign a horrible work accident so your family can just sue like this what will be like a trillionaire class

yeah get yourself like a pittance. That's your 401k. That's a good, that's genuinely like you don't need a 401k. You can just exactly just get lumber, have it lumber crush you in the aisles of a Home Depot. Dude, the guy, the guy did it. That is, that is honorable too. He's having all the wood fall on you and just you in the orange vest. Like, I love you. Yeah.

It's like the scene in 300 when all the arrows are up there. You get crushed by lumber and all that's sticking out is just your hand with a letter in it. Yeah, man. That's the plan. It's good to have all my swords covered. It's like words come out. Yeah, you got your ducks in a row, dude. Exactly.

There was a movie, I think it was on Amazon. I forget where I watched it. After I watched Rewind, which was the, there was a movie, I think it was on Amazon or I forget where I watched it after I watched rewind, which is like a horrible molestation movie. There's another movie called capturing the Freedmen's, which is about a, it's similar, but it's about a father and son duo who are doing the molesting and trying to be like fake news, fake news. But the dad gets caught with child porn. But long story short, the dad. Enough to fake news. Well, he was, the sons are like, with child porn. But long and short, the dad – Enough to fake news.

Well, he was – the sons are like, okay, so dad was a little weird, but he wasn't running – he was doing computer classes and allegedly molesting all of the kids in his at-home computer class. But there was one kid who was like, nah, I was there. He didn't molest me. But everyone else was like, oh, he totally molested us. And they said the son was – Yeah, so he had a macaulay caulkin

who was macaulay macaulay caulkin did that for michael jackson he was like he was like the guy never touched me this is all bullshit that's a good but you needed ride or die dude true he had one guy who was like they're all bullshit that's that's just people trying to keep – These are children. They're not loyal. You need to get a nice, loyal child. Listen, any child molesters out there, just get one decoy and don't fuck them. If you can. If you can.

If you can resist, but just hang out with them a lot. Yeah, teach them computer skills. Never fuck them. The setup was there was a computer class in his basement, and everyone was like – we would be doing typing skills, and then we'd see a picture of a half-naked girl and he'd be like you like that as dude you're in like seventh grade you're like yeah this rules and then slowly this guy would be like eating your ass you're like yeah man i didn't see this coming wow i thought he was just being a bit huh what year was this i'm trying to imagine what kind of computer oh dude this was like logo writer so this would

have been like 1980s it This was all like a very... This guy got... It's just like text, like periods and spaces. And he's like, you like that? Just 8008. Yeah. Calculator at five. But his oldest son was allegedly in on it too. But the whole...

It reminded me of it because the guy eventually he did go to jail and he was just like i he checked his insurance policy and they're like yo you can kill yourself and still get paid he was like sweet killed himself yeah the son yeah the sons were like mom you're such a bitch you were so mean to dad after he had the child porn you're such a fucking asshole they hated the mom mom. Dude, the movie's crazy. That must have been a cool fucking dad, dude. Apparently, he was awesome. Great science teacher. He loved.

And then he came out and said, yeah, I actually did molest a couple kids. And the sons were like, no, he didn't. He's just saying that. Dude, it's pretty fucking nuts. They love their dad. The sons are like his lawyer. Dude, I'm telling you. If you watch, I think it's Capturing the Freedmen. The sons are in the lawyer. Dude, I'm telling you, watch.

If you watch, I think it's Capturing the Freedmen. The sons are in the thing. They're like, all right, how are we going to get out of this? Dad, this is bullshit what they're doing to him. This is, dude, he basically had two Trump sons. He did, dude, he did. Like, Dad, this is crap, right? And he's like, yeah, they're framing us. We knew it, dude.

We love you. Yeah, the secret is you can't fuck the sons because that throws off this whole play yeah i would yeah you gotta get one decoy don't fuck your own sons and you're pretty much in the clear yes i mean dude very important in life not to fuck your own sons it's gotta suck saying that all the time that should have been a commandment. They left that out. Dude, that should be if Biden wins, whoever is first. Is Biden going to go in the White House stag? Does he have a first lady?

Yeah, Jill. I thought his wife died. No, he remarried, bro. What? He laid with another. Did he really? If my wife dies, I'm going to be celibate the rest of my days I would never disrespect my wife's honor

Like creepy Joe did Bringing a stranger into the White House with you? Remarrying I'm trying to be celibate the rest of my days And my wife stay alive I don't think that's what happens Also, this was great now look this is gonna be a politic heavy episode true i'm fired up dude i'm fired up for this debate

dude i can't wait but last night last night phil phil had a couple cocktails me and him were sitting there and he goes now shane you want you want to know something? And I was like, what's that? And he was like, let's say Joe Biden dies in office. Who's next in line to be president? And I was like, Kamala Harris. And he was like, she was born in Jamaica. She can't be president. You know, who's after that? Nancy Pelosi. That's what this is all about. I was just like, Kamala Harris was born in Oakland. I was like who told you that he was like the shuttle driver on the way to the mechanicsburg club picnic he was like he just told me it i was like yeah that guy just lied to you there was phil was at the mechanicsburg club picnic which was just an outdoor fucking just dudes drinking party and some guy was like this is all

just a ploy to get pelosi in there i'm gonna suck for joe biden because everybody's like well okay he's gonna get elected but then he's immediately going to die if i were him i'd be like what the fuck everyone across every political spectrum is like joe biden is gonna get in he's gonna die instantly yeah he's having campaign meetings where they're like look we need to really stress your longevity you're not gonna die okay you gotta tell everybody yeah what the fuck dead in the eyes look right down the camera and say i will never die i can't die i've tried i've tried many times i cannot die release me he might be mr glass dude that would make sense dude wow that's crazy i just did all those crazy accidents bro he might be mr glass dude that would make sense dude wow that's crazy i just did all those crazy accidents bro he might be mr glass and trump is definitely unbreakable

i was thinking about it because my i was talking to a lady and she was like it's going to be a train wreck i was like yeah but somehow he keeps he's the only one that keeps surviving these train wrecks he keeps like you know and then I was thinking the unbreakable analogy you just said. I was thinking, I confused Mr. Glass with unbreakable. I thought Biden was it. No, Mr. Glass is... Samuel L. Samuel L. just keeps getting hurt.

He's a frail black nerd. He was like me walking in a sheet. Mr. Glass? Yeah, that was Mr. Glass. Just walking, that was Mr. Glass. Just walking, I'm exploding. Did you know Urkel's not in the first four episodes of Family Matters? Whoa.

Did the shuttle driver tell you this? I'm breaking this. No, I was like, we're sitting there watching TV the other day. I'm like, oh, Britt, put on Urkel. So I was like, has he popped up on Amazon? Should we watch the first episode of Family Matters? And I was like, where the fuck is Urkel? Where is he in this? I checked and looked it in. He doesn't come into the fourth episode. Wow. So

he was like an extra that just came in and dominated. I think he was a write-in. I think they weren't polling well. And then they just like throw in a black nerd and they're like, oh my god. You know what? Black nerds. Dude. I think it does love black nerds. They're uniting.

Dude, when you watch Family Matters without Urkel, it fucking sucks. It was so bad. I was watching it like, this sucks, man. He came in. The series didn't survive. How long did it get?

Where he'd be like, where Carl Winslow would be like in a in a riot line right now just white chicks with just white chicks saying fuck yeah yeah carl opens fire on her break into his house where Urkel goes out of Stefan And gets shot immediately Urkel is constantly letting himself Into Carl's house to try to fuck his daughter

He's standing True He could easily say or he could no knock Fucking Urkel's house Just break into Urkel's house And kill him That would be sick Like plainclothes officer Kill a guy you know just break into Hercule's house and kill him. That would be sick. Like plainclothes officer, kill a guy.

I know you're a cop. That was one of the conspiracies about what's his face, George Floyd. They were saying the cop and George Floyd worked at a, a nightclub together and George Floyd floyd was involved in counterfeit checks and the conspiracy was that the cop was also involved in the counterfeit check scheme and murdered george george floyd on purpose in uniform in broad daylight don't think yeah that's a bold conspiracy don't think about it too much it's like do i want to get in trouble for check fraud or i'll just murder this guy on camera real quick yeah that that was that was one of the lesser charge that's what floated around like the underworld crime around what do you say barn dog

i said and i'll get three of my cop buddies to all stand around yeah well don't underestimate the under the underworld lords that uh are in charge of bouncing fake checks talking about thousands of dollars. He had the police in his pocket, dude, and was like, take them out. I don't care what happens. Yeah. 900 bucks, you only get a two-day hold. Yeah.

I heard about that, and I was like, huh. And now that I say that out loud, I'm like, that is retarded. That makes no sense. That's really stupid. Jack fraud is, like, surprisingly hard hard and no one gets caught robbing banks ever yeah barn i heard you talk i listened to so barn dog has a podcast it's called coward hour actually coward hour originally started with our our good dear producer lemare

and barn dog barn dog moved to the big city out west dude he went hollywood on lemare and cut lemare from the show yeah what was that like man being like hey boy what whoa what i'm saying i don't know if he said it like that dude oh i know you're joe biden dude oh i know i'm just joking. Come on. What if I said, come on, what have you said? I'm not taking a drug test. Dude, he won't let them inspect his ears for earpieces. We're like, yo, somebody's definitely going to be feeding him lines. I mean, dude, imagine if someone could hack that and have him say so.

I think he might have had his earpiece hacked like nine times. He's talking. He's like, well, I agree, and I think healthcare. And if you don't vote you ain't black and he's like god damn it you put that in there yeah he does drift off like someone's yelling at him the barn dog when you broke it to your ex-partner how'd you tell him you had your bags packed or like did you just leave uh you mean like when i left when i left for la yeah um i don't know i mean i don't know if you remember but when i when i lived like with you guys and after in philly i had like completely lost my mind it was yeah it's like a very mentally

ill time in my life yeah you were very it was it was weird to have like a totally mentally ill roommate, and then I think you passed it on to Wood. I think you gave it to Wood. Wait, Barn Dog, I thought you were killing it. You were thriving as far as, you know. He was. Well, he's funny. Barn Dog's good, but Barn Dog and Wood were both going through complete mental breakdowns.

So half of our house was retarded. Yeah. That was like an insane asylum that the five-bedroom house if you if someone were to walk around if a doctor were to assess everybody they could have been like all right nobody goes outside i'd look like a security guard i was just sitting in that living room day and night god damn this guy works 24 hours a day yeah i mean i i moved in nuts and then wood had me hitting tires with a hammer in the back and like things only went downhill. You and Woods interactions when no one else was around must have just been the best.

Like, I can't even imagine how great they were. I think I was in there. I think I was in there when we found out he broke your mug on purpose. It was you, me and him in the kitchen. Right? There was one confrontation where it was you, me, and him in the kitchen, and he was trying to get me on his side, and I was like, dude, that sucks. Oh, yeah, because it was the first grown-up job I ever had.

I'm like, I wear a suit. I go to the bank. That's what it was. I get a mug with the logo on it. Wow, I'm first grown-up job I ever had. I'm like, I wear a suit. I go to the bank. With the logo on it. Wow. I'm a grown-up. And then he just smashed the bug. He smashed your bug when no one was around. Didn't he send a video of it to everyone but me?

He did. Something like that. It was pretty funny. I mean, now it's very funny to me so in the end involved that was later that's what dude this is now i feel bad to saying this without the woodman because woodman he's come around we don't have any beef anymore he he did it was fun i heard that woodman so was I guess, angry or something at Barndog and broke his mug, his beloved bank mug.

And then. He's so retarded, I was like, I get to work at a bank. Oh, that's fun. You were a serious banker. I was. I got fired, though, and I'm never going back. That was a very tough period for you barn dog Coming out of that weird room

Into the bank in a suit You were like a Kafka character Yeah Absolute squalor And then putting on a $400 suit Yeah A bus to South Philly You were definitely a giant fucking bug in that house

Our rent was like 200 bucks. Why didn't I just work like part-time anywhere? Yeah. Yeah. Rent was $200. 240, I believe. 240. That was a sweet deal.

Guess who dug that deal up? Old Mickey Cusk, dude. Yeah. That was a good one. That was awesome. Barnard, you was a good one. That was awesome. Barndog, you're a tad quiet. I am? A little bit, a little bit. Just jack yourself up a little bit.

Is that any better? Yeah, it sounds a little better. Alright, cool. I'll leave it there. Barndog. Oh, yeah. Well, I'll stop besmirching the good man, the wood man's name here. I mean, everyone has their times, dude. You know, he smashed your mug. You guys had a thing going thing going and you know good friendships often devolve into treachery and betrayal the breaking the mug and then later confessing i believe it was the three of us

in the kitchen when he confessed to you that he had actually he had originally reported that the mug was an accident and then he confessed to the fact that he broke it on purpose. I think he, like, swatted it off the counter with a broom. If I recall. I didn't eventually see the video. No, the video was him after buying you a new one, which he promised to. He finally bought you a new mug, like, seven months later and just smashed that one, too.

Well, that was a different video that was um he actually he went to my house he went to my new house shirtless and filmed himself throwing a mattress i had left and smashing two mugs on the ground he said it to the group and was like what do you guys think we're all, you actually do need to seek help. Nobody laughed. The mugs were a bit, those mugs were, that was like full circle callback. It was a major callback. Like that's crazy, but I'm sure I also like just overreacted insanely.

So there's just two crazy people going at it. Yeah, it was two crazy guys fighting over a bank mug. It was fucking nuts, dude. Yeah. It was fun. I was in a place where I had so little power and control

over every other aspect of my life that I would occasionally just pick one little thing and be like no this is the thing i'm standing up for no fucking sense that house pressure cooker if you take like five personality disordered individuals and put them in like the pressure cooker that's like a stand-up comedy hierarchy and then have them dwell in a house it's a fucking nightmare yeah it was just nothing but spaz house i'm gonna move to the city and be a stand-up comedian goodbye parents i thought you did well you went fine yeah you're doing well now yeah yeah yeah you got two british come on who's better than you yeah look at that that's the first step though if you got to leave like a small town and head to the big city you kind of

go through something like a psychotic episode i think it's actually pretty common a lot of girls do that a lot of girls go to new york city and they quietly kind of slink back in six months and that's like a like a night in a room that no one ever talks about where they're like fucking putting makeup all over their face and screaming and crying. And then they're just back at their fucking hometown. Like, Hey guys. Oh,

for sure. They all. Yeah. Happens dude. Is this like girl comics moving there? Or is this just like girls who like moved to New York to be a hot girl in New York? Most,

most girls, but a hundred percent female comics. Yeah. Cause you can be a hot girl. All female comics, girls, but 100% female comics. All female comics are retarded. Yeah, I mean, it's worse out here because they're all actresses. Yeah, that'll keep you out there. All their bits are about

a racist part they had to read for in this audition. That rules. Are they going full... Are like saying the n-word and stuff are they just going kind of like that would be funny if one of them was in a tarantino movie and they try to they're like look at this tape of me auditioning for the hateful eight yeah the hateful eight look tarantino you know a lot of N-words. And I usually, you know, you know me. I usually don't mind them.

But, man, even I had to, like, stop watching The Hateful Eight. I was like, man, they're just doing it on purpose. That whole movie was a play where they screamed the N-word. Was it really? The movie sucks, and literally it's set up like a play. I don't know. It's bad. And it's just N-words, dude. Really? So, it's set up like a play. I don't know. It's bad. And it's just N-words, dude.

Really? So it's like the N-word. It's like instead of Hamilton, it's just people saying the N-word. Instead of like that was just like. Yes. Hamilton was like, we're going to rap the whole time. Quentin Tarantino was like, how about a play where I get to say the N-word as much as I want finally.

I think going to the game wasn't enough. I want to see the hateful eight where he plays all the parts like Eddie Murphy. Never seen it. Now I'm not going to watch it. It's not very good. I actually do like it, but Shane's summary of it is pretty accurate. Barn dogs. Dude, do you have a safe in your room?

Well, I almost bought a gun so i had to go to save first well i i went i bought the gun and then i bought the safe and then i realized oh i'm a crazy person i shouldn't own a gun so then i had to argue with the gun store to take it back because they they don't want it like once you buy it oh wow there's no refunds and i'm like dude i'm gonna kill myself and i'm like i am mentally ill i am a danger to myself and others please give me my 500 back they were trying to get me to keep the gun they're like look it's funny it's funny to get fucking buyer's remorse into being like i might shoot up a fucking building dude i gotta get rid of this thing

like now that i'm thinking about it i need that 500 bucks or i might shoot up a mall they should give you a trial period with a gun to see you know if you just make sure you don't go and shoot a building up well they give you the the in california they have a 10-day cool-off period where like you buy it and then you have to come back and pick it up in 10 days uh you know to like i guess basically so that you'll have 10 days to be like you know what i will not kill my wife thanks governor newsome um but i i think like i'm all for that but you should also be able to call off the deal after 10 days as the consumer yeah I mean I feel like for me it's a done deal for them if they decide that I have priors or whatever they can take it away that's bullshit to me

true you should have walked in there high with your gun on you yeah that would be fun go back and I'm like pointing the gun at them trying to reverse rob them take this gun from me or i'll kill you they'll shoot you instantly they all the gun all people at a gun store do is sit and daydream about people trying to come in and shoot them so they have like the gun store near my parents house uh me and britney went out there when shooting a while ago that's when i dropped a gun on the way out in the parking lot i got really angry at her for being like what the fuck and i was like shut up happens you dropped a gun yeah i was like i was so it was like a little kid she's like here i'll hold the gun on the way out like i'm britney's like i'm trained with like

firearms i'm like i can hold it and then like wasn't paying attention and drops it in the park and then she's like give me it i was like no i can still do it was so funny oh but the guy in there he had i think two guns one on each hip he had like a like a leg piece like like a tiny little gun on his the guy had i swear to god four guns on on his person he like hip back and then one on his leg so like that's just one dude they all are like loaded to the gills and like that one gun store got uh looted that's like their wet dream a gun shop owner is just like please please try me i wish i'm wishing on every candle bro yeah for sure yeah this place there were like more than one guy working there with a punisher t-shirt so i know that they were yeah that's the

uniform you have to have an american flag punisher t-shirt that's a chris kyle bro that's a chris kyle could you i think you could have consigned it i think you could have sold it they usually gun stores will sell your gun for you and take a small piece which is a weird thing it's weird to wear a chris kyle shirt at a gun range say more you know because he died at a gun range yeah he's the painter saint of gun ranges though true that was dude we talked about that on the uh patreon where it was like that that charity model of like i'm gonna take people with who are disturbed to gun ranges and let this like you know so like imagine imagine in our house being like, I know what's going to help Crick and Wood relax a little.

I'm going to take them to the gun range. I would be horrified, dude. Yeah. That would have been no good then. So what somebody would have been, somebody would have gotten it. Yeah. Drums, drums or anything else like going to the circus, going to movies. They want to try to commit suicide via tiger.

Just stand up and walk towards one. I'm going to start a group and go to the movies and only ever go to Saving Private Ryan, the next movie. Then I'd be like, oh, shit, my bad. Sorry, guys, my bad. Take PTSD dudes to war movies? Yeah, I'd be like, no. It was that poorly thought out.

Yeah, truly. Not to dismerge a hero, but somebody should have been like, hey, run that plan by me one more time. Then like, why don't you guys go bowling? I was patriotic last night, dude. I had a rough night. What happened? I was patriotic last night dude I had a rough night I tried to go to sleep at like 11.30 And just laid in bed for like Three hours

Yeah I mean I'd only been awake For like 11 hours So it was kind of a mistake Dude I woke up at like noon and then I was like I'll go to bed early tonight try to fix this schedule So I ended up laying in bed listening to Fucking hardcore history for three hours just listen to the japanese dude what were they up to uh i gotta do they were up to no good dude well that's our ally now so watch your mouth japanese it's funny too it's funny

to like when people like oh my grandpa hates you know What an asshole. It's like, if he was alive back then, dude, he has every right to hate them. Anyway. What were they up to? There were some sick fucking moments, dude. This was a moment that got like, this got me pumped and I couldn't sleep. There was a scene,

there's a part at the Battle of, I think it was at Midway. It's this, at the Battle of Midway, this is after Pearl Harbor. In Chicago? Yes. See, I've seen the at Midway. The Battle of Midway, this is after Pearl Harbor. In Chicago? Yes. See, I saw the museum. Monsters of the Midway?

Saw the museum in Midway Airport. Of what? I just saw airplanes in Midway Airport, and it said something about a battle. So wait, do you think the Battle of Midway took place in chicago that's what i'm referring to you you think there was an air battle between us and the japanese over the skies of chicago i don't know i didn't really dwell on the actual exhibit i just saw an airplane i was like damn they had a battle here this is fucking sick that's so sick to that's amazing matt to literally like look at a piece look at something

like that and be like i I have the information from that. I'm going to keep it moving. I'm going to hold on to that. So where did they fight that? No, Midway is in between Asia and North America in the middle of the Pacific. That's why it's called Midway. Oh, so they named that after – Midway Airport after that. Perhaps.

But they also – Chicago, I think, is called something about midway because i think the chicago bears defense was called the monsters of the midway so chicago being called midway would make some sense damn so they they just took the midway war stuff and were like oh midway airport check this out there's like an exhibit in the midway airport about midway war stuff and i was like maybe this place was like a naval base yeah or like an air force base or something that makes sense before it became a southwest hub where we came a delta you know premium lounge um but no there's a part where these so that we were fucking bombing their aircraft carriers because that was a goal you had to fuck up the other ones aircraft carriers yeah and we were fucking out we sucked carriers Because that was the goal You had to fuck up the other ones aircraft carriers And we were fucking up we sucked

We weren't getting any of them And then finally our dive bombers came out of nowhere The Japanese were like oh fuck we're in trouble now And we fucked them up We absolutely destroyed them But one of the pilots said Like there was so much revenge in the American pilots Like that they were like crying

Out of how much they hated who they were bombing damn they were like this is for the arizona that was a ship that got destroyed at pearl harbor like they hated them that much like the dudes dropped the dive bombers had tears running down their eyes from how much they hated the japanese that they were bombing yeah Yeah. It wasn't like, oh, man, you know, those guys down there. Huh? What's that? Didn't you just get canceled by your granddaughter? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, there wasn't like this level of like, man, those are guys down there doing their job. I'm just doing mine. No, it was literally like tears streaming, like holding a thing like, motherfuckers, this is for what you did. Pretty sick. got me fired up buzz right there what i'll probably never feel anything that great like hating someone and then

killing them no that really yeah flying a fucking dive bomber over an aircraft carrier straight out of the sky and hitting it and seeing it because those things just fully exploded people they were dumb they had wooden decks aircraft carriers back then had wooden decks and just covered in fuel from loading planes and shit jesus so they'd get hit with like one bomb and everyone would die like 700 people would be on the ship two of my uncles lost the their fingertips on aircraft carriers in the navy what like the 80s yeah just like they were in the navy and like this is like the 70s time right in peacetime yeah right around the 70s it was peacetime they just went and joined the navy and both of them have they like on aircraft carriers just got their fingers lopped

off different aircraft carriers i think yeah pretty sure that was they need to find your other uncle it'll be like saving private mccusker you need to send a task force to find him and be like we gotta we can't have a mother lose three sons fingers two it was two they had two i know but the third oh true true yeah no yeah they didn't want to uh i know what you're saying. I get you. I was confused. I was like, did I say fucking three? Two is crazy. Yeah, they said three. And then your one cousin cut his hand at Wawa.

Yeah, he did. And I've seen you cut your hand. Cut my hand as well. We're a cursed bunch, dude. That was our first night in the house, wasn't it? It wasn't our first. It might have been your first, but we'd been there for a couple weeks. It was pretty quick.

It was pretty – I injured myself pretty quickly. So, sorry. It's had a tone. I don't want to derail. I just wanted to take a moment to acknowledge my uncles who both lost their fingertips on aircraft. I wonder if they got Purple Hearts for that. No, I don't think they got anything.

My mom's cousin got dishonorably discharged by the Marines. They were just like, fuck you. They kicked him out. Nice. Rules, dude. Why? He was just basically, he said he got sick of it. It was like, fuck off.

And they were like, no, come on, dude, for real. And he's like, no, seriously, fuck you. I'm not doing this shit. In the middle of boot camp. Heard that. And aggressively, and it got aggressive with him. You know, that's a story I heard. But he was basically like, fuck you.

And then, you know, dishonorable. They're like, get out of here. So here's something, Matt, I don't know if you've ever listened to coward hour,

but it's him and Nick Aldershaw. And what, Crick, what have you been doing for money? Unemployment. The last like six months disgusting go ahead i got unemployment there's no jobs for women and children dude disgusting yeah man

look i'll have a kid so you want me to yes now you have some weird semen right i have weird semen how would you say your semen is um i don't think i've ever seen anyone else's semen in person sorry to say that you can't you you've mentioned on your podcast you have a tough time nutting oh that's what i was hinting at no um i'm like heavily medicated my dick is trash. It's starting to affect my relationship, I think. I'm just laying down soft rope every time. That's what's up. Yeah.

I started taking blue shoes and that kind of works, but it makes my heart feel like it's going to explode. Damn. But I mean, like before I was on the pills that make my dick not work i i was gonna kill myself so this is honestly pretty sick it's catch 22 oh that's not that's a good dude honestly pretty solid trade-off it's not bad plus i get to know that like she loves me so i'm like if she didn't love me she would not put up with this horrible dick that i'm laying down true it's also i might start saying i'm on them let's be like i'm on pills my dick doesn't come on i'm too fast

doesn't work that was pretty good what do you say i was saying like then you get to prorate it so you're like well for a guy whose dick doesn't work that was pretty good yeah i guess i hope your dick gets better dude why do you think your dick sucks uh just you know it doesn't get or stay hard or come ew brandon first of all you shouldn't come when you have sex that's you know as a man you should always hold your seat and that's tight you must retain a lot of your seat i was wondering why you look so jacked and strong yeah i didn't get fat it's all come distributes around my body

yos dude did you see Fucking uh I'm on a big Star Wars kick I can't believe Star Wars is getting Did you ever see The two characters From the very beginning

Of Star Wars Who are like They look kind of Like amphibians And they're evil They're serving the Siths In like Episode one

Yeah and they have Like really heavy Japanese accents Yeah the The fish guys The fish Dude That shit was I thought Japanese accents. Yeah, the fish guys. The fish, dude. I thought the fish guys were with the rebels.

No, they're with the separatists, bro. Episode one has multiple racist fish men. Yeah, the fish are Japanese. Yo, it's fucking... Then there's the Jamaican fish and then there's the Japanese fish. Yeah, wait, you guys didn't know Asian people turn into fish when you got them out of the atmosphere? If they're in the atmosphere, that's why they can't send any Japanese astronauts to the space station.

They keep trying to send them to the International Space Station. They keep growing gills. They keep serving the Dark Lord. They get up there and start using the dark side of the force. As soon as they get serving the dark lord they get up there using the dark side of the force as soon as they get into the galaxy they instantly start using electricity out of their hands yeah dude i was watching it and i was like what the fuck even britney was like she stopped and she was like dude this is insane it's, The Great Emperor, we all need it. And it's like a fish puppet.

That was fucking crazy. Yeah. I would love to hear George Lucas directing that. He's like, no, the line is more like, That's a true power of a comedy Sith, just getting an Asian accent out of a white dude Yes, yes, excellent Your powers will grow

Do it Do the accent Yeah, that is the goal The goal is eventually to force someone else To say the N-word on camera And just have it and just have it over them that's i mean that's like what the massad did that's that's what they were doing with epstein's island dude all you need you don't even need young sniz anymore just gotta get a couple n-word tapes on everybody just have a cia have like a black dude cut them off every time they try to drive and have a bug their car and just have

black dudes slowly walk across slowly jaywalk every time they drive you're gonna get an n-word out of somebody if you get a tape of someone fucking a child and they just yell the n-word to sing perfect we got him yeah he's doing whatever we say remember remember the uh remember that show where they would rent people a car then capture them singing on the way no there's a show on tv where people would like think they're just renting a car for the day and there'd be a camera and they'd catch people secretly behind the wheel singing along to the radio or just being weird by themselves. Man, the outtakes of that. Oh, that's what I'm saying.

I know. Just stone-faced listening to my own podcast from the beginning. Barndog, you're a hell of a podcaster. What's that? you're a hell of a podcaster well thank you a lot of pablo francisco's in here a lot what's that sir what's that what's that who doesn't think i can get out of this what's that that's how it's gonna look barn dog i want you back on the sauce dude i remember when you and me started you used to booze and that that was a good dog honestly i miss that a lot and um it's coming up on five years i think you're not alcoholic dude just drink well

barn dog i'll say this you take the pills to make you not want to kill yourself. Might as well get drunk a little bit and have fun. Can't go wrong. Well, the pills make you get way drunker. Do they? Yeah. Perfect. Because I remember, well, they make you get way drunker, and the booze makes the pills not work. Really?

Like, the first time I ever tried to get antidepressants, I was like, well, I'm not going to not drink. And then I would just get, like, insanely fucked up and feel way worse. And I was like, yeah. You used to be to not drink. And then I would just get insanely fucked up and feel way worse. Yeah, you used to be a little fucking monster. What the hell, Bar? Sorry, I hit the space bar. Look at that picture of what you think you look like. Holy shit.

I'm in school, dude. I use this for class. What are you in school for? Computer science. Comedy is dead. Time to get a plan B in place in case this podcast doesn't work. Before we started, I was telling Barn Dog, that's a good studio, dude. Have some female comics over, do a little podcast.

Be like, oh, my studio is in my room. Oh, yeah. If you want to rise among the ranks of comedians, you have to prey on female comedians. In L.A. especially. especially Secretly it's very respected Behind closed doors It's like how many you got They look like

I did see that stuff in LA I go to a comedy store I open my coat and I have like Eight cut off ponytails And they're like this way sir What is one of those things where those girls were like we were they made us blow them for open mic stage time and it's like you were suck a dick for open mic spots yeah in my head i'm like you know that's unfortunate but

also like shame on you huh i said for the belly room at least wait for the main room yeah dude like if i was like eating like somebody's ass i I like eight H Foley's ass for the Raven. I'd be like, I heard that. And I was like, you know, that sucks and all, but like shame on you,

dude. That's honestly, that's dude. Let's pay you on this episode. Uh, that's, that's entirely on the lady. Entirely.

Yeah. I mean, all you have to do is just tell one person. He's making me blow. He's trying to get me to blow them. Or go to a different. There's a million open mics. Yeah, but if you want to get the hot. Imagine if helium was set up.

I'm trying to think of a comic. I'm totally just kind of spitball know, I'm trying to think of a comic. I'm totally, totally just kind of spitballing. I'm trying to think of a comic. Anybody. Who might be demanding blowjobs. Let's say John Del Calo. Let's say comedian John Del Calo was in, had power, was in a position of power as a straight white male and was like, hey, you want to get on the helium open mic?

Also, there's like 30 people on the helium open mic so you are you gonna get like six blow jobs that night if so that rules just like no-com blow jobs just like just do it by the end you're just making them kiss it you're not even hard dude if my daughter came home like hey what's up why aren't you doing comedy she's like oh they're trying to get me to blow them be on the open mic and i I'm like, what happened? She's like, I just fucking stopped doing that. I'm like, good job. Well, or I just didn't get tricked

and did the open mic without blowing someone. Yeah, I mean, you're a girl. You're going to succeed. Just stand there and someone will put you on stage. It's true. If you're funny, if you're, dude, if you can make a room full of laughing your room full of people laughing your girl you will soar yes you all agree look young female

comedians out there i don't think anyone's gonna ask you to blow them anymore maybe that was the old days in the west coast specifically but don't do that don't don't blow don't blow anyone if they're yeah dude don't get tricked every time if you get tricked it has nothing to do oh i was saying every time i meet a female open maker i tell her that she should never blow me just so that i'm safe true like look you free to do whatever you want you blowing me has nothing to do with your future. Look, I know this is a nasty business, and someday I may be in a position of power, and we may both think that that's what should happen, but I'm telling you now.

Good Christ. No. I pray Barndog is never in a position of power. I pray he – I've seen him in power. When was I in power? When I left, you were in power at the Lizard Lounge in Lancaster. I left. I left? You were in power at the Lizard Lounge in Lancaster. I left.

I left. I moved to Philly, and I just watched the barn dog just dominate his peers. Same thing's going on with LaMera right now at Raven. Oh, really? Did he use blowjobs? I don't know if he's demanding blowjobs for stage time, but he should. And also, yeah, he's Mr. Cooling out at Raven and I remember Barn Dog cooling hard at Lizard Lounge yeah I guess so well it sounds like I was

yeah I guess so nice that was pretty good good reverse I was uh I was listening to one of your episodes and Lemaire was talking about wearing Chelsea boots he's falling into the Barn Dog Good reverse. I was listening to one of your episodes, and Lomero's talking about wearing Chelsea boots. He's falling into the barn dog trap. Is it absolutely? He's wearing floral pattern button downs, dude. Well, that's got to stop. I also hear you lost weight. Oh, I hate it.

He needs to gain that weight back. Well, he lost weight, but he's still fat. Like, it's – Well, he needs to gain – No, he's good where he's at. No, that was his strength. His strength was where he's at. That was his strength. His strength was being fat as shit. That's why everyone loves him.

He's still strong. He's still got strength in him. I insist he gets fatter. No, you can't. I insist all of – I really insist Barn Dog bulks up. Barn Dog got skinny as fuck for a minute. True.

And I hated it. Disgusting. It was also something very... You always remind me when I think I'm getting too good. Like, I remember one time you saw me smoking a cigarette for the first time in, like, three years, and you were like, good. Yeah, I was like, I need you back, dude.

You're doing that. I need you to fall apart again. I hate you trying. It was also something tragic about a person trying to, like, dress their way out of a mental crisis. You'd be like, I just need different clothes. From the inside, I can tell you, yes. Yeah, Barn Dog went through a cowboy boot phase.

Yeah, I would wear them in Lancaster, and then I moved to Philly. People were like, why are you wearing cowboy boots? I be like oh i'm from like rural pa like as if anyone wore them yeah yeah yeah i remember i was walking outside raven and i'm just like near these girls and they say like at a normal volume like so i can just barely hear them. They're like very cool. Oh my God. Strangers are like actively heckling your outfit while you're walking down the street. It's also so funny to be self-conscious and cowboy. I don't know if I'm that rude and as I thought I was I thought I was. The good, the bad, and the nervous.

Just some fucking dork. Do you guys like that Feel When No GF, that documentary? No, dude, I tried to watch that. It was off of Amazon. It's good. I thought they'd take it down from Amazon because it doesn't completely demonize incels. But there's this one guy in it.

He's just this autistic guy from Texas wearing cowboy boots and a cowboy hat. And they just follow him around. He just drinks beer and smokes cigarettes alone in parking lots. I'm just like, oh, I feel you, brother. I've been there. Yeah. Oh, man. That fucking

pumps me up, dude. Barn went through a very intense I'm hot phase. Much like the woodman. And I hated it. I was like, I'm hot for a 5'2 guy. guy yeah you always kept it in check and i agree

i agree i'm not being as i'm not being i'm you know you're right i was wrong there to come down on you as hard as i did oh man i looked okay for there for a little bit you did you're handsome yeah you were ripped yeah he got abs didn't, didn't he? Barn dog was hot. Do you remember... Having abs. Crick, do you remember the feeling when you saw that Wes was skinny? Yes. I was furious. Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

What the fuck do you want? Yeah, you're right. Now I understand. No, I did not. Because when he got fat again, it made me so happy. I'm sorry. I was just kidding. Whoa. Sorry. I had to fight my dad real quick.

What's up with him? Obviously, he sees me doing a podcast. He walked down, stood here, and said, did you let the dogs out today? What's that about? I don't know. I think he enjoys intentionally disrupting the podcast. It's my house, Shane. I'll fucking ask you questions if I want only time he talks to me literally the only time he talks to me is while

i'm doing a podcast i'm still hung up on that desperado dude that guy in those parking lots just geared up in cowboy boots and a hat just drinking and ripping cigs and people being like dude get the fuck out of here and he's's like... He, like, square dances with old ladies in, like, bars. Fuck. It's so sick. Actually, he's pretty cool. That guy actually is pretty cool. He's, like, nodding out during the interviews.

Sincerely. He's getting hammered in a parking lot. People are like, shoo. And he's like, I gotta get along. Little doggie, I gotta keep it moving down the road. I tried watching that. was as soon as i tried watching it was off of amazon i was like what the fuck that's bullshit oh it's pretty good it's pretty much like matt and shane or coward hour type listener guys and um like the guy has

like an mde sticker on his car and he's like he has a bunch of them like i like these boys oh so it's literally just our fan base? Yeah, yeah. It's about dudes who rule. Just guys that rock. I knew I liked that guy. It's a very dudes rock movie. It's just this filmmaker empathizing with them. They're being like, yeah, the modern life really has left you back.

It's a guy with a fucking M15 with a grenade launcher on it. He's like, yeah, in his fucking studio apartment. It's pretty tough. fucking mc pain with a grenade launcher on it he's like yeah in his fucking studio apartment i mean it's pretty tough it's pretty it is crazy that the the media completely shits on dudes it's like oh they're just mad they're not getting pussy it's like yeah well it's not even just that it's like there's a level of rejection and like these dudes who are being like oh i'm gonna die alone in a one-bedroom apartment completely unloved and forgotten and the whole media is like loser fuck you fucked up also don't get me wrong don't get me wrong a little

pussy little pussy would help but it's the other stuff but it's the other stuff but yeah a little pussy would help us they're like oh you pervert what you think girls owe you sex skin yellow it's pretty fucked. Yeah, I mean, watching that movie, I was like, oh, I was and very well could have continued to be these guys. For sure. Yeah, but you were very likable. I loved you when we were in Lancaster and Mechanicsburg.

I was a big fan. Well, thank you. I liked it. Well, actually, that was you being, you went through a woke phase. And I regret that. You knocked it out. We had a woke barn dog for a minute.

But that was good you got out of that. Yeah, yeah. But I was woke like before it had gotten to comedy. I agree. You were woke before, and you were very publicly a shitty person. Yes. So like you'd be all woke.

You'd be all woke and like do shit and say shit and then just be garbage. I'd be like, yo, he's faking it. I'd be like, we need to end rape culture while like waving my dick out of my pants. You were an idealist. That's all. Yeah i really i'm that's what shane that's why i can never start drinking again is because i would get my dick out a lot and i stopped right about i showed you my dick at a party then you told people i had a weird dick i don't have a weird dick dude i don't remember what your dick, dude. I don't remember what your dick looked like. Whoa. Yeah. I'm sorry. Yeah, I completely forgot I've ever seen your dick.

I would have. Obviously, you don't forget when somebody publicly says you got a weird dick. I remember that. So you showed Barn Dog your dick at a party. No, it was in the morning. It was a sleepover party, and I had a boner. One of those weird Lannister parties? Yeah.

I think it was the one where you were allergic to cats. Yeah, yeah. That one. That's literally like my favorite barn. I don't even really remember it anymore other than we were at a party and Crick got like blacked out, but he was allergic to cats. So he was like passed out on a couch, but he kept waking up like, Oh, God.

Like snot and coughing. There's so many cats. Beer pong table and people were just like hitting me with the balls. That was me. That was all me. We got to find that video of me spiking a ping pong ball. Dude, that night, oh, my God. I hate – I'm not going to tell you who it was

because I don't want to be smirched my man but while he was asleep i drew a swastika on his forehead in sharpie which i thought was a funny bit and in 2014 whenever this was it was a good bit sure yeah i was gonna still is honestly it's a pretty good bit but he uh he was wrong to get that upset he cried in the car ride home did he wipe it off me crying with he was crying with a smeared swastika on his forehead and him and his girlfriend drove me home i was in the back and i did it and he was in the front first off it's like a 45 minute drive he was in the front crying that i disrespected him that badly he was in the front crying that i disrespected him that badly oh and she was like you what you did was fucked up but i was trying to be like it wasn't like i was in the back like guys it's not

that serious oh was that you someone drew a swastika on my forehead once and it was like it was like early december like my my family with one side of my family we celebrate christmas early so like the next day i went to family christmas with a i forgot i was doing this so often it was on like coincidentally i also had like a really bad hickey so i was like like someone was like that morning like oh you have a really bad hickey i'm like oh i know and then i went and didn't look in the mirror and went to family christmas so everyone's looking at me i'm like oh everyone knows i have a hickey wait was that just the same was was he

just crying about that incident no because you did that to him too i did it to him yeah all right good i think it was the same night maybe it may have been yeah my dad pulled me aside and he's like hey why do you have a swastika on your forehead but by that point his opinion of me was already so low that didn't even change sending sending someone home with an unbeknownst swastika on their forehead is incredible. I mean, how do you address it? Is it just kind of like an excuse me, sir? Yeah, you got a little swastika on.

You have an ancient Hindu symbol on your forehead. With a swastika on my forehead wearing like cowboy boots and a tucked in shirt. Oh, man. You're like an alt-right retarded guy i i need to find the video of so it was me it was me and my friend mike playing beer pong and crick was just laying on the couch next to the beer pong table and i would catch the ball and be like are you filming and spike it as hard as I could against Crick's face. And he was passed out, so I'd hit him, and he'd be like, ah.

Oh. And then he'd be like, oh, the cats. Oh. What a night, dude. I was sleeping on, like, a balcony that night. And then you went up on a balcony, and I think I followed you. I think so.

And I think you laid, laid like on the kitty litter. Yeah, so they had like a they had like a kitty litter box outside. Oh yeah, you're propping. Yeah. I think it was empty though. I think it was like a spare one. I hope. I'm going to give myself that. But I just kind of like

made a bed out of it and laid there. I think I had like one blanket. It was cold out. It was cold out. Lancaster isn't that bad of a town, but this wasn't the best part. I'm just laying there hearing gunshots. Yeah. Holy fuck.

It's not all the way down. I remember that. There were gunshots. There were? I remember you were laying there and I just sat there next to you while you were trying to sleep on like a beanbag and kitty litter and i just came up to sit next to you and taunt you while you were trying to sleep i was just like look at you and you're like help

what the fuck yeah dude it was a weird time. One day I'm just going to be drowning, and you're going to be just, like, sitting on the shore, just like, look at you. Look at you now, dude. Following people around at a party or blacked out is be like, look at you, you disgusting. Meanwhile, I black out constantly. God, I miss blacking out, dude. No, i don't your guys is like pieces of memories

complement each other perfectly like you don't remember seeing shane's dick shane doesn't remember the beanbag you guys might have had sex this night fully remember the beanbag matthew i know what you're doing what am i doing i know what you're doing. What am I doing? I know what you're doing. And I'm not going to let it happen. Let me tell you, this has been no malarkey. Bro, that actually reminds me. I've been working hard on how possibly Joe Biden can survive this debate. And what possible techniques he could use to... Because he's going to get crushed in about three hours.

Yeah. He's going to be publicly crucified by a retarded man they're literally sending an 80 year old man to be publicly humiliated he's going to be taken by just a butter falcon by just a retarded angry businessman I mean this is dead man I watched him Dude Maybe I should save it Maybe we should do

We should do coverage Oh for sure Where we at? Where we at time wise? We have a ton of We have a Yeah this is a long We started at like 4

30 It's at 6.03 So this is a good Oh shit That's what When I felt We got When we achieved I felt us achieve flow state.

That's when I was like, Barn Dog, you're a hell of a podcaster, dude. We did achieve flow state. There was a part where I was worried. Early on, it was just any time it's Zoom, it sucks. I think I tanked it. I think I tanked it earlier. It takes a while to gel with Zoom. Huh?

I said it takes a while to like gel with Zoom. Well, it's just tough. I lost Matt Zoom I lost Matt I lost Matt on the asking about your cum part I could see that I was afraid I don't know if you've listened to Coward Hour But Brendan's dick is trash

Tell him about it And then I do and it just bombs No it was actually good I was sidetracked because I locked my dog My dog's like actually arrested right now I locked him away Because dude he on my dog's like actually arrested right now he's uh I locked him away because dude he's been shitting in my basement and I was going to bat for him oh yeah Jax dude he I like thought I gotta lock him up I thought I got him out of it and then dude I take him for a

walk he I go upstairs for two seconds he runs downstairs not even just peed on the floor spray peed over like my stuff and then dumped and it was just like dude it got you know i've been trying to i've watched youtube videos like you can't punish dogs doesn't work punish his fucking ass you beat a dog today i didn't really beat him but i he tried to run into his cage and i lifted that caged up and shook him out of it dude i was like you're getting out of there and then i you know he's what he hates the most hitting him doesn't matter he hates water so it was raining and i let him chase the rain a little bit for a while then i locked him up in his cage dropped a blanket over him so he's in isolation right now so he i can hear him crying put him on gitmo dude that was guantanamo dude i put the hood on him dude you wouldn't hit him

but you did every sensory torture to dog. You need to go blast, like, Metallica into his cage. Dude, I'm going to start waking him up every, like, two seconds like they do. Yeah, blast Slipknot, but get a strobe light in there. I mean, dude, at this point, it's like, what the fuck, man? Like, you're peeing on my stuff. Not even my stuff. He peed on my daughter's pack and play, which is like a little, like,

makeshift crib you can pop up and put down everywhere. He fucking peed on it. It like dude what the fuck so yeah he's i can hear his wails from the third floor he's reaching me from the basement so every now and again i'd hear so that was during that time i was hearing him screech so i told britney like let him the fuck out of there what a good that's anytime anytime i got grounded or sent to my room when I was a kid, I was making noise in my room. I would get in trouble for it. I would slam my feet on the ground. I would stomp my feet in my room.

Oh, yeah. And they'd come in. Somebody would just swing open the door and be like, what are you doing in here? I'd be like, nothing. Get out. I thought about that last night. So, dude, I didn't go to sleep till like 1 30 because

that maya's teething so like dude she just laid you put her down and like four seconds later you'll look at the monitor she'll sit up and just be like start freaking out and like dude they say you're supposed to like oh let her cry it out and it's like i'm sorry i'll give it five minutes i can't dude i can't let's sit there for 10 minutes while they're just like and i started i started thinking about it i'm like dude so i'm like i'm watching her cry i'm like man this is horrible same thing when i was a teenager i got caught drinking and when i was drunk i try i was wailing in my room being like i'm an alcoholic i have a problem it's totally untrue i didn't i knew i didn't have a drinking problem i was trying to get out of it. I'm like thinking about my parents let me cry it out as like an 18 or 17-year-old.

Oh, man. That must have been so hard to just let them go. I'm like, damn, they didn't even come in and check on me. I was like, oh, no, I haven't brought. They were like, shut up. That's a weird strategy. You'd be like, Matt, you were drinking once. And you're like, no, I wasn't.

I was drinking all the time. I can't stop. I can't stop i can't stop and i was driving my car i'll never forget mine i blamed it on my friend's older brothers i was like the hershes called me a pussy i think my mom hated the hershes for like a year really until i finally confessed and so they didn't call you i was like they weren't even there yeah barn dog yes i gotta hear about your what's going on with the snizz what's going on what are you up to how are you operating um i have a girlfriend things are going good what about before the girlfriend i don't want to hear the girl flash if you got anything on the side but go ahead yeah true um as far as like

snizz beforehand it was just a it was abysmal yeah that's what i want to hear about yeah like for some reason i kind of got pussy in philly and i don't know why looking back there was no reason for that and then you're funny you're a talented stand-up comedian brandon oh yeah that is part of it is like in philly if you're like oh i'm a stand-up comedian they're like how interesting we're here if you're like oh i do stand-up they're like gross oh yeah disgusting where they'll be like oh i went out with this different guy who did stand-up you're like ah fuck yeah that kind of sucks yeah like i i went out with some girl from hinge she's like oh you do stand-up do you know and i forget who she said she was like she's like do you know like josh fadum and johnny pemberton i'm like no they have like careers i'll never meet them

what are you talking about who they're like uh they're like all comics. Like actors. Oh. They're on the rumpus circuit. Yeah, they're on the adult rumpus circuit. They're on the fun time. They're on the cry at election result circuit. I'm just like,

no, I'm at Flappers tonight. Yeah. They hate America They fucking hate America dude I'm pumped Josh hates America I might need to go get a six pack And we live stream

The build up to the debate We need to get hyped But we should probably not record it Because I'm probably going to say some very pro trump things in this if i i'm a sick i've said it on stage a couple times i'm literally a six-pack away from liking donald trump makes sense and on game day it's game day right now you're a little tailgate i tried to explain that to my mother-in-law because they were just they were discouraged to hear that my parents rocked like the trump flag outside their house and so my

mother-in-law who's black heard that was like kind of bummed and i tried to tell her i'm like dude if you were a 60 year old white dude you'd love trump too and she just looked at me like nah and i'm like you just would if you're a six-year-old white dude who wasn't born like rich you automatically love trump it's not their fault they've been dude they've been they've been crushed did you watch the uh social dilemma no it's a documentary on net i think yeah it's on netflix about how all the stuff i don't trust it dude it's about all true it's about all the stuff i talked about before about how uh social media companies can like take your information take your interests pull you in with people like your same age demographics,

who also look at the same kinds of things and then predict your behavior to the point where they can put the right ads up before. Like if you're like doing certain things online, looking at certain stuff over the course of time, they're like, Oh, typically when he's in this pattern, he buys this thing at this time. And then they sell the, which ad pops up on your screen based on your previous behavior and then try to nudge you into the behavior of buying and they sell that little

time slot but dude the boomers got crushed by like online advertisements we talked about it before how they have like they don't know how to turn their notifications off so they just their phone pops up it's like god damn it is that what we were talking about yeah phil gets espn notifications at like midnight. Because he charges his phone downstairs, so I'll be watching TV, and you'll just hear, da-na-na, da-na-na. All day. All day he's getting notifications like,

goddamn Braves beat the Mets 2-1. Dude, yeah. Like, he'll get regular season baseball games. He gets 9,000 notifications. They get texts. It's like, hi, I'm your neighbor for this election they're like go on you got my attention yeah well hi kathy how are you our parents are about to age into that part where like people just start calling them on the phone and tricking them for sure like people did that to my grandma they called and they're like uh grandma it's me i crashed my car i got a dui i need five thousand dollars they didn't give her a name but she's just like brendan she immediately i have like seven oh and luckily someone intervened

but that did hurt dude getting tricked comes for all of us and by the time we're old dude we're gonna be getting tricked by like fucking holographs holy shit man we're getting tricked comes for all of us. And by the time we're old, dude, we're going to be getting tricked by like fucking holographs. Holy shit, man. We're getting tricked by like AI people. Yeah. Robots are going to walk in and trick us. We're going to get like 3D Nigerian princes being like, please send me $5,000.

I will gladly pay you. Or, you know, sometimes technology regresses and we could just be, we could just get hit with hookers. That was always the classic. You just send a hooker to an old rich man. Yeah. True. Could do that.

But, yeah, we'll get tricked. We'll get tricked hard. It'll eventually get to the point where, like, you get catfished by a robot, and then at the end of the date you realize the restaurant wasn't even real. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're just in a parking lot. Nursing homes will be... Are you in a parking lot without your wallet?

What did you say, Barn Dog? I'm sorry. I traveled all over. You're just hard in a parking lot without your wallet. Nursing homes are going to be awesome. Sorry, go ahead. Jeez, Barn Dog.

We got to work on our cadence. There's the flow state. You too. God. Yeah, nursing homes are going to be cadence. There's the flow state. You too. God. Yeah, nursing homes are going to be fucking sick. By the time we're old, it'll be like VR. It'll be pretty fun, man. I just actually watched the Peanut Butter Falcon last.

Did you see the Peanut Butter Falcon? Peanut Butter Falcon fucking rules, dude. Dude, how about that plot line, dude? Just like dumping a retarded guy in a nursing home. That was fucking dark. I was watching that like, oh. Just like dumping a retarded guy in a nursing home. That was fucking dark. I was watching that like, oh. And he's jacked and he breaks out. Dude, they kept talking about how

strong he was. Oh, it's awesome. They play heavily in retarded tropes. Of being like, dude, you're strong as fuck. True. And I've seen guys with Down syndrome in boxing. They're not that strong, actually.

Really? Well, I imagine it depends on how severe the disease is. I've seen some that were pretty gnarly. Like, if you're only mildly retarded, are you? I think if you're mildly, you can be jacked. But I think when it gets very severe, you're just, it's very, you know. I bet there's a point, though, where you start getting more strong again. Like, if you're, like, the most retarded guy ever.

Yeah. Do you think it works, like, if somebody's more retarded than you, you feel your strength decline decline and you're like, huh, there's a Highlander in the mist. Yeah, yeah. They automatically switch order in the line. Guys, this is crap, dude. You open, Matt, what you opened with was crap,

and now this is crap. You two. The peanut butter falcon was great. It was just the storyline. It was great. Damn, this is fucking dark, dude. Banded in that guy. He was hot, though.

That guy was hot. How much does Shia LaBeouf rule? He's great, man. Yeah. And the girl in that. I love the lady in peanut butter falcon. Yeah, I was thinking about Shia LaBeouf. I have a crush on her.

I love her. Yeah, I can see that. She definitely has something to do. I would kiss her. Shia LaBeouf did. Nice. Shia LaBeouf did. Nice. Shia LaBeouf did. We got to get

tell us about Coward Hour before we get out of here. I'll tell you. It's just like if you like this podcast. Thank you. That's very kind. Can this please not be a Patreon once that more people listen? It's just like if you like this podcast. Thank you. That's very kind. That's it. Can this please not be a Patreon once that more people listen?

Yeah, we won't put it on Patreon. We don't put shit on women. Oh, you want it to be on Patreon? No, I don't. No, I'm pre-canceled. I've laid the groundwork, so if anything ever happens, it's already there. So just please get as many people to listen to this as possible okay yeah all right dick it'll be fine i think it'll be fine yeah we we this is this is nothing yeah yeah people watch the zooms oh but we should say

also for the reason we're zooming is because i thought my family uh i don't want to i don't want to mess any you know i don't want to cross any hippocratic lines but one someone in my family, I don't want to cross any Hippocratic lines, but someone in my family, my sister Mara, had COVID. My beautiful angel. We all contacted her, so I could have had it, but I got tested on Paz. Or not Paz, I'm Neg, and everyone in my house is Neg. But I was like, I don't want to infect Shane

and have him infect Shad Nation on the road. So I'm going to get retested Friday and then head on down to McGeeby's. You better get – wait, didn't you already get retested? Got tested once, but it was only like – it was like three days after. Are you going to take like an instant test on Friday because – Yeah, I took an instant test already. And then they say after seven days, and if I take two instant tests, everyone else in my family tests, nobody else got else got it dude that's another thing we can talk

about my sister drank from the straw of my other sister didn't get it you know i'm you know knock on wood because these things can come by in a couple weeks my cock sucking headphones that i bought just died i charged them for a full hour before this episode. They just turned off. This was a marathon, dude. They served their purpose, dude. We're good. So I can't hear you.

Can you guys hear me? Yeah, we can hear you. All right. Well, I can't hear you guys at all. Okay. Barn. Everybody, go listen to Coward Hour. It's very funny.

It's Barn Dog and Nick Oldershaw. Very funny guys. Yep. And go see me and Matt at Magoobies and at Helium. And Bridgeport, Connecticut, no Matt there. But that will be me, Six, and O'Connor. And then Hyenas in Dallas and Fort Worth. That's all in October.

So, hopefully we don't have COVID. Because otherwise we're going to be really spreading it. Yeah. Well, I don't have it. I have a clean bill of health. So I can't hear. All right. You did it. Everybody thumbs up all around. All right. Great work gang. Barn dog. Absolutely. Fantastic.