Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 320- Horse Tail

Episode Date: October 20, 2020

Fresh off a long weekend of stand up and a live cast, the D.A.W.G.Z. rip a freebie for the masses. Topix include: The live cast, Getting your Horsetail petted, Hunter Biden, Trump on Stern, and the Phallic mother.  Support the D.A.W.G.Z @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod Merch@ mssecretpodcast.com/merch/

oh man i love you guys so much i love you we're here dude i fucking love everyone in this room we had everyone listening breakfast yeah we did i like 12 o'clock's like the prime of my day man i feel great it's usually when i'm just waking up really yeah you just part in the crust you just part in the crust on your eyes another chance to be great every day i wake up just like wow another opportunity. What time do you think kings woke up? Probably noon, yeah. Do you think they woke up at noon?

Yeah. True. Yeah, definitely. Actually, no, back then probably everybody woke up with the sun. Yeah, like four or five in the morning. Yeah. But yeah, dude, I... What do I mean back then, dude?

We still have kings. We do. Kings today definitely wake up at noon. They're just called billionaires. Yeah. People are like, I... What do I mean back then, dude? We still have kings. We do. Kings today definitely wake up at noon. They're just called billionaires. Yeah. People are like, I don't like them. It's like, welcome to being a peasant, dude.

True. Yeah, we've hated them forever. People who have all the money, you're like, hey, fuck that guy. It's fine. They're just kings. I want people to get into billionaires. It's being like,

forget the politicians, let's go straight to the billionaires and be like, dudes, what can we do for you I'm a mercenary what do you want me to do like serfdom bring back like

let's stop pretending let's stop throwing geezers up against each other let's go straight to Bezos straight to whoever else and be like yo you guys have all the money what do you want us to do

just be honest that is fair you're ruling obviously ruling this country I don't even think we need to ask I think they're just doing they're just telling us yeah let's make

go ship packages we'll give you 16 bucks an hour in benefits like alright thanks sweet appreciate that tweet we get some more vacation they're just doing yeah they're just telling us yeah let's make go ship packages we'll give you 16 bucks an hour benefits like alright thanks sweet appreciate that tweet we get some more vacation

they're like no then we kill them I need to go to Sandals you motherfucker I need to go to Mar-a-Lago set fire to his compound and run in there well it's gotta be so hard

to dethrone these guys now if you're a tech billionaire setting fire to a compound and then just the whole squad running in is great. Yeah. Like, I would watch, like, any of those, like, embassy movies where, like, where people just storm an embassy. They all die. They all get, like, massive numbers of them get hit.

For sure. Like, at the gate. Like, with someone with, like, a rubber machine gun. That's what a general is. A general is someone who can find people who are like, look, guys, here's the plan. You guys go in first, all right? And then we'll be in later.

Yeah, you go in there and get them. You guys, we're going to drop you off first. You're the true heroes. Yeah, and if you do it, we'll send you to community college for free. But it's great. All the time, in Blackhawk Down and all those, it's just like a dude running and spraying an AK and then sprinting just wildly.

Like, oh, fuck. Yeah, baby. Big weekend. Oh, dude. Huge weekend. Big weekend. Dude, I'm fucking... You're grinding me out, dude.

I'm hurting. Helium weekends. Oh, yeah. Helium weekends kill me. I don't know how you even add partying to that mix. Just for me, staying up until 12 is enough to completely fuck me up. Helium weekend, that's Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and then we added a Sunday show. That was a four-day bender, dude.

Yeah, man. Yesterday was... It was party time. Yesterday was a day of rest. What did you do yesterday? Where were you yesterday? Complete day of rest. Me and Beezer.

So you've been crashing at the Beezer's? Last night I did, yeah. I had a hotel, and then last night... Oh, I got you, I got you. Last night, living room at Beezer's. How how's that sleep what's the sleep quality you're pretty poor yeah dude pretty poor so that didn't help but i did lay on the couch all day true which was nice that's not bad that's nothing to the bees the bees is right there with you true there's two couches there's an l-shaped couch i mean the bees just laid up it's a perfect set from like noon

till fucking like 3 a.m. It's crazy. That is a perfect setup. That house is specifically set up design-wise for just two grown men to just recover from hangovers. Yes. That's what it's built for. It is. And it's like there's no judgment zone.

It's no judgment zone. That's why you don't want to come to my house. You lay on the couch for 12 hours, everyone's like, sweet, nice. No, I'm not going to your house. Having someone be like, let's go for a walk or something. No, you can stay on the third floor. You can stay up on the third floor. True, I could hold.

I would just bring you a bowl of soup and water every like four hours. That would be incredible. Fucking awesome. Man in an iron mask. Jackson on your bed. I could just be up in a tower. There's a TV up there. Your next time just recoup, dude.

You'll just be left alone. No, I can't have girl energy. True. I cannot have girl energy. Yeah, there's a lot of that in my house. There's bae. A lot of girl energy

in my house. I need no women. True. Kyla also stays in her chamber. You keep her. The three of us, it's like we're,

we get cryogenically frozen. It's like we're space travelers. Someone Dorian will like stir through the house and I'll be like shut the fuck up

silence that silence him dude I had a I just taunt I just taunt the BJ the whole time do you really I think he's tired

of me coming over literally he just lays down I'm like what are you doing over there I'm like shut up and then I just start threatening him

with homosexual threats I'm just like dude you better fucking start talking to then I just start threatening him with homosexual threats I'm just like dude you better fucking start talking to me or else I'll come over there and give you a fucking oral cream pie

fucking threatening him with oral cream pie he's just sitting there like ew dude he's on his phone like shut the fuck off although BJ does love

every fart true that's something that's enjoyable because I was hitting him yesterday. Really? Hit him out of the park and every time he'd be like.

So not so much on the threats of homosexual violence, but on the farts he's like, oh, nice. The threats of, yeah, sexual assault. I was threatening for about 10 hours, I threatened to sexually assault everybody in the house. I kept being like, yo, let's go in and hold Dorian down and fuck his face. Well, it's funny. When you're hungover, you are pretty horny. I wasn't horny enough to take Dorian. You weren't horny enough to take down Dirty Deeds?

No. I should have taken the Deeds down, though. I could just go in, forearm to the back, prone bone. Choke him out with a snake. Take a snake in his fucking... You should tie his wrist to the bed with his own constrictor. True. Then fucking have your way.

I was thinking about giving him a fart cream pie. Just hold his mouth open. An oral fart cream pie. On Dorian's wedding night, you should do like the guy from Braveheart. Prima Nocta? But just fuck Dorian. Yeah, I do have a prima nocta rule. You just fucked the husband

where I fucked the husband damn a gay like Duke must have been terrifying back then came and fucked your husband

you can't have my wife and he's like pushing you down I told you you can't have my wife oh Jesus Christ

alright fine have me if you will but you won't have my wife damn dude a gay Duke taking pre-monocto I think it's called pre-monocto when you fuck. A gay duke taking Prima Nocto?

I think it's called Prima Nocto. When you fuck the husband, it's called Primo Nocto. It's masculine sounding. Yeah, true. The Spanish language has to get it together with that, dude. That pisses me the fuck off how they have gendered language.

Fucking hate that shit. Yeah, it sickens me. I hate that. It sickens me. They should go back. They should cancel all the dead languages, dude. Latin.

Fucking bullshit. It is bullshit. We are pretty much canceling all the languages though for sure the rest of the world learns english pretty much and they fucking better dude otherwise yeah well you can't do business true that when the american businessmen come yeah you better pay respect and speak their language pretty much funny is the rest of the they all all like resent us for that they're all like fucking idiots can't even understand our language we gotta learn theirs it's like no you have to learn ours true because we're the best true that it's like yeah don't learn it dude yeah go ahead don't learn see what happens if i care if you come to my country i'll just angrily demand that you speak

english immediately i'm gonna hold you against the wall you better speak it i'm not taking your burger orders because you're not saying it properly. That was funny when the cheesesteak place took a stand on like, he was like, I know it'll be a good thing to drum up business. And he was like, goddamn Mexicans. And they're just like, oh, fuck, shit, backfire. That whole area he's in, it was the Italian market. And now they call it the Mexican market because it's just Mexicans down there with like little tiendas and stuff.

Nice. And I still throw that in a little vocab. I heard it. So yeah, the Italian market easily... Some taquerias? Dude, the Mexican market crushes the Italian market. Sorry, I got to say it. I mean, that's just...

The Italian market is just like, I got some fish. It's like a sausage shop, which is pretty tight. But dude, the Mexican dudes came in and they're like, yeah, we'll make you a birthday cake for like 120th of the fucking price i think yeah they're pasteleria bro come on i am i'm full support of the mexican the mexian mart hot sauce you've been you've been a supporter i remember you used to drive down there and get tacos pretty consistent i've been lads over goomba since day one. I'm in complete agreement. Couldn't agree more. Lads are so much better than fucking Goombas.

Goombas stink. Goombas are, like, mean. True. The lads are, like, they're just... Humble as hell, hardworking. They're the best. Yeah, the problem with it, you get an Italian dude, and he tries to, like, Gamora his way to the top of every, like, phone-calling place.

Dude, he's like, hey. What do I i gotta do around here yeah so the cheeseteak guy just put up a sign one day right that was just like you better speak english yeah yeah he's also addicted they were dicks if you would go down there there was like a very specific language you'd be like i need like which one was it i think it was genus genus was genus i think his son got in trouble too about that something i i think i knew his remember was his son that came to one of them came through and was. I think I knew it. Remember, was it his son that came to? One of them came through and was, like, hooking up.

Oh, yeah, he used to come to the comedy show. Maybe it was Pat's. Or Gino's son. Pat's. Yeah, it might have been Gino Jr. Whoever the, like, soft, he looks like he's a character on, like, Pawn Stars. Yeah. That's me, too.

That's Tony Luke Jr. Oh, that was TL, yeah. I think they all, I think it was Voss' weekend and, like, two different cheesesteak warlords. I think, it's not even, like, you could have, like, an impeccable diet. Voss didn't know why they were coming. Like, he wasn't, like, boys with them. Two different cheese, like, famous Philly cheesesteak dudes came through, would come in the green room,

and then the second guy that came through, Voss, was, like, he just, like, was standing next to me, and he was, like, what the hell are all these guys coming in here for? He wasn't like excited. Well, if you own a cheesesteak place, you can have like the best diet in the world,

but just being around the production of cheesesteaks and the grease and the fryers, it will immediately just devolve you into a Pawn Star. You have to first. You'll lose your top hair and your hair will just grow

long in the back. You'll become a Pawn Star. That's what happens. It's like a hog. It's like a pig that goes wild after like 24 hours you grow tusks oh yeah it's nuts yeah dude you just lose weight you get like one gold two gain do they gain the ponce stars it's either fat or skinny there's no middle true either you're like organs start to fail and like your body doesn't accept your body just passes fat straight through your intestines. But yeah, dude, those dudes, man, if you're around a fryer like that all the time, it fucks you up.

Dude, if I weren't, I mean, it'd be impossible not to just munch cheese sticks. That's the other thing, dude. Dude, fries fresh out of a fryer. Cheese sticks are the fucking best. And the fries, dude. You're eating a fry a minute every single day of your life. Yeah, walking by. We've got to get these Mexicans out of here, right?

Just keep fucking munching fries. Could barely understand that guy. It's like, dude, you have two things on your menu. Just let them play.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know what type of cheese to put on it. It's like, that guy will definitely not complain. I remember that. The first time I came to Philly,

I was like a kid. Yeah. I was intimidated. Big city. Exactly. And then you go to this cheesesteak place and they're like,

what the fuck do you want? Yeah. Like, they're like mean about it do you want yeah like they're like mean about it well it's like you're like can I get a cheese you mean a whiz whiff

blah blah I know alright dude nice cheesesteak language with four fucking words can I get it without peppers like the peppers are written it's like alright

I guess I'll have peppers alright I was like nine I was like I don't want this this is fucking assholes I know they're the Goombas dude

that's what I'm saying now you run into a humble lad humble lad dude it's like can I get that on corn no problem dude double corn I'll do whatever it takes

dude that's what I'm talking about you got you people stoked on their fucking shitty sandwiches dude and all of a sudden they're busting into comedy shows being like

here I demand you acknowledge it's like dude you're a pizza shop owner get out of here. Yeah. Good, dude. It's about time

we're giving these guys a business. I don't bust into fucking pizza shops and go behind the counter. I'm like, hey, you ever hear my fucking podcast? Hey, guys, what's going on? I brought a tape. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Here's my phone. Put it in your headphones. Yeah, you got some stickers. Here's some merch. Check out the party. It's top 200 sometimes. We should start doing it. Every once in a while, it's like top 200 on iTunes, so check it out. Here's some merch. Check out the party. It's top 200 sometimes. We should start doing it. Every once in a while, it's like top 200 on iTunes, so check it out.

I just don't like when people fucking take down the lads, dude. No. That's, dude, it's like, if you ever work, especially if you work construction with them, dude, I mean, again, I did demolition. You just, like, they just fucking go, and you're just like, God, I love that you're here. Like, I'll be like, you guys get, I'm like, here I go. It would be bad, though, if the lads ever turned on you. They don't, dude.

They could, though. I mean, they could. I mean, they do. If you watch, like, the news, if you Google what happens when the lads go bad. True. Some bad lads, they cut your head off. True. But they have a lot of honor, dude. A ton of honor.

If you're being a total pussy, they'll turn on you. Like, they'll turn on you instantly. Yeah. But if you go down there, dude, and you just, like, you chill, you you don't try to big time them a lot of people try to big time the lads and you know they'll act humble but dude behind the scenes they see right through i know a couple words of spanish i know they just call you gay and they go back to doing their work yeah i'm glad we got that sorted out man that yeah it's tony luke's controversy from uh 2004 it's important for us to cover that. A lot of people will.

But yeah, dude, that helium weekend, like, full, takes it out of me. And then the best was, this was one of the first times, like, the squad was there, like, buzzing around. Everybody was on their bullshit. That one over there. Mr. Life of the Party over there. Life of the Party over there life of the party lemare man how are you feeling i'm feeling good i'm good i'm okay i think the best ass showing was beezer's beezer's thursday night that was a thursday night special kicked off the week dude so the full moon dude complete ass out thursday night show one beezer these three girls came in

that i was friends with and one of the waitresses at helium well no i don't think she's even a waitress right now yeah but she's a business woman go ahead she jokingly was like oh great brian brian brought three people in just like clearly just trying to be nice and like fuck with him slightly to be like hey hey, Brian, how are you? And she was like, oh, great. Brian brought three girls in. And he goes, I didn't fucking bring in shit. And he's bad.

And everyone's like, yo, chill, chill. He's like, no, fuck that, dude. She's not going to fucking lie about me. And then he stormed out. He stormed out. Oh, it was great. Dude, the next day, being like being like man you owe her an apology and he was like i didn't get any flights of anyone i'm like you kept saying i didn't realize he was

even drunk his beezer can be pretty drunk well really low kick thursday i wasn't that bad so normally if beezer's hammered i'm right there with him yeah so i got to witness the the bees well beezer is pretty experienced and he's like good at being drunk so the only way you can tell if the beezer is truly drunk you got to get him in a lift he starts doing like oh dude he'll start talking shit to the driver yeah like oh fuck he's hammered oh man i forgot about that i don't see he hasn't done that in a while that used to be a calling card dude when we were yeah we all lived together at beezer with a hot baby that's what i would know i'd be like oh shit beezer's lit i think beezer's fucking lit like what's up dude where are you fucking from

he'd go full tony luke's he'd be like yo if you want to come in here you better speak english but yeah he uh i don't know he rolled the window down and like yelled at somebody on the street dude i do want to i do want to film a thing of you driving around drexel and penn's campus and just reminding people to social distance and to check their fucking exactly see students like even they have their masks on like they're talking just go around like hey guys come on dude we're surging hey do your part you guys back the fuck up please stop being like this is actually a poc neighborhood they're affected the most and right now you're being selfish yeah i was i was driving by a couple students and they all had their masks on we're talking

i'm like god damn that'd be so funny man that was like hey guys oh dude we would drive through drexel and just be like it's part of me could you check your fucking privilege right now hey hey excuse me hey oh so dude part of me i don me I don't I think that might be the hardest that was like top 10 hardest ever laugh just seeing like a 23 year old girl

be like what the fuck people would stop initially and be like oh shit what's my privilege doing could you check your fucking privilege

real quick for me drive off so fucking got him like hey guy excuse me check your fucking privilege I've just been stoked

on threatening beezer with oral cream pies well it was funny not i didn't know he was really even drunk i thought you're just fucking with him and then uh he's like i didn't get in a fight with anyone i'm like no you definitely got an art you're like you spazz on that lady and he was like i don't remember that i'm like oh you were fucking hammered yeah and then he he did apologize to her and she was like no i don't care i mean she didn't care she didn't care but then to her. And she was like, no, I don't care. I mean, she didn't care. She didn't care. But then when he apologized and she was like, oh, I don't care. He was like, fucking Matt and Shane fucking lying to me.

Those motherfuckers. So he thought we set him up. I mean, we did. He was heated for like three days. Was he really? Yeah, dude. The bees was grumpy for a while. He was heated up.

And then like day two or three, he fucking went back to classic bees. But for some reason, like Thursday, Friday, we had a salty beezy. We had a pickled bee. That's why you get a grumpy bees just milling about. He's going to be mad when he hears that. To a fucking stump. He is the best dude he is

he genuinely is he is so fucking funny dude no one else would do like yesterday I needed that day of rest and just there's no one else

that would have done like he literally just laid just laid there he's an honorable innkeeper he is he's an absolute he's like yes there is

there's one there's vacancies one sofa yeah vacancies there's one sofa There's vacancies. One sofa. Yeah, vacancies up. There's one sofa in our crustiest blanket. Oh, man. Yeah, bees. Bees is.

They broke the mold, dude, when they make the beezer. He's lasting a dying breed. He is. Fuck, dude. I had quite the night last night, man. I know it's kind of disgusting when married people brag about their sex life. Oh, no. Dude, ew.

Dude, here's the thing, dude. A little glimpse into my world. So I'm laying there. I don't, you know, I know it's kind of disgusting when married people brag about their sex. Oh no, dude. Ew. Dude, here's the thing, dude, a little, a little glimpse into my world. So I'm, I'm laying there. I'm tired,

dude. Cause again, I got hit with allergies myself. So I'm like, I'm, you know, I'm staying up late cause of the show. We just both got COVID.

Whatever. Major allergy attack. Yeah. But Trump told me not to be afraid. Trump told me not to be afraid of it. So I'm not getting tested. Um, so I saw,

so I'm sitting there and you know i'm like i just like to read my book every night before i go to bed i'm like that's like my favorite thing i'm reading the over story busted out some sick facts from the over story of the live cast and uh you know bae wants to have sex and i say you know we'll have some you know whatever we'll have some sex but it's funny for a second there i'm starting to get so old where i'm like i really want to read my book before bedtime so dude we have uh you know it was fun but this is the whole point this is the only reason i'm telling the story at one point dude i swear to god i heard what i thought was a yes out of her and i was like i almost no i almost started laughing dude it was a deep yes it was like yes

i was like so i was sitting there just like holy fuck holy fuck try not to laugh i almost got a yes you gave her that dumb dick i almost got a yes you knocked some autism into her i almost got a yes dude or i was like i was pulling it a little bit out yes yes so i'm laying there we're laying there afterwards and um she started fucking like she started I was calling it my horse. Are you telling me about her favorite dinosaurs? No. Just classic pillow talk.

She started petting – I was calling it my horsetail. I was laying with my back to her, and she started just like stroking my ass hairs. And I'm like, get off my fucking horsetail, dude. So she just sat there. Dude, that's when you know – when you get a yuss, dude, you get your horsetail petted. Ew. Just petting my horsetail, dude. Horsetail hair is the grossest hair ever, dude.

You ever accidentally, like, touch your taint's hair? We talked about it. It feels like it's, like, been burnt. It's like it's crazy. Dude, it probably does get burnt. Mine is a sauna. It's like those microbes that get,, what lives like miles below the ocean? Taint hair, dude.

It's the only thing that can withstand the gases at all. Yes, dude. Primordial soup. Dude, from like your balls to your ass is basically like Pluto's surface. It's totally unlivable. It absolutely is. Yeah, so I got my horse hair petted and I'm like, I got to yass and my horse hair. You got to shave your horse hair.

You got to do something. If you can I got my horse hair petted, and I'm like, I got to yass. You got to shave your horse hair. You got to do something. If you can, from behind, prone horse hair. She was just fucking running her fingers through my horse hair, dude. Oh. Damn. What do you do? Instantly, as soon as her hand's anywhere near my butt, I'm like, stop. What are you doing?

Yeah, of course. She's like, relax. I'm just, relax. Yeah. I'm like, you touching my horse hair, babe? She's like, what are you talking about? And I instantly was like, hold on a second, leaned over to my phone. I was like, horse hair babe so what are you talking about and i like instantly i was like hold on a second leaned over to my phone i was like horse hair i'll remember

what are you doing i'm like nothing i'm writing a note i'll be just relax horse hair is good that's a horse terminology that's that's what it is dude that's what i'm my most creative dude after i've just fucking after you from so loud dude after you've released dude it was full i was full you know not to compare myself to the uh the uncle from rewind who was the opera singer i was thinking about that too the other day dude that remember that show remember that movie i told you about with a guy that molested but the top of the molestation was the fucking opera singer uncle and it was like dude i was like i think it was before i was going to the show i was like walking i started thinking about that movie and i started thinking about that guy singing opera for like thousands of people like you just fucked your nephew

and then you're like it's fucking terrifying dude that's like that's like Greek tragedy shit it is insane it's crazy and your uncle calls you out and you're like

fucking asshole what's wrong with that guy dude fuck your nephew I didn't watch it I watched the beginning of it and I didn't I don't know I couldn't get into a serious when i tried to watch it what do you

what do you mean i tried to watch the show you're talking about i have not watched it oh you don't have to i tried to watch it i just wasn't in the mood at the time for something serious oh yeah it's very serious and i saw like it was it opened with like home video footage of like yeah pedophiles like creeping around yes i'm not watching this dude that's too much you don't need to it is a fucked up movie but I got like

the mental image of that uncle just on stage thousands of people and he's just full like heat the pinnacle of the opera I mean that's also

I mean Sandusky Sandusky would be out there winning bowl games true banging kids and then getting carried off the field. Just like, we did it.

We did it. Number one. Fucking just looking from the top. Yeah. Oh, dude. I watched. Terrifying. Beezer was watching Boardwalk Empire, so I watched that with him.

Yeah. Nucky Thompson, the main character in that, it was like a procurer of children for the old boss of Atlantic City. Really? Yeah. And this was, I mean, I saw it the first time

and back then, pedophilia. Well, that's back when, yeah, that's back when kids were fair game. This was back in like 2015

so you could fuck kids. Yeah, for sure. You know. That was before fucking kids got political. Yeah.

But yeah, that was. Damn, dude. I was like, man, he deserved to die. Was that Steve Buscemi? Yeah, Steve Buscemi.

He was a procurer. I can't believe they made him like a mob boss. He was pretty bad at it. Yeah, I could see that. It was pretty bad. I thought that show ruled and then I re-watched it. That's kind of what mob bosses look like in real life, though. Yeah.

Pretty jacked up looking dudes. Yeah, of course. You ever see Blow and then they show the real guy? You're like, oh, Jesus Christ real guy you're like oh yeah of course yeah any i mean that's literally everything they remake true they're like here's what they here's the movie character and then you look up who the people are i did that last night i watched uh comey james comey there's a thing on showtime about comey really who was the head of the fpi and it's fucking sick it's really good yeah but it tricked me it tricked me. It tricked me pretty well.

Because I thought, because I was watching it and I was like, man, fuck Trump. Really? And then I had to remind myself, like, all right, this is a show. But it kind of makes sense. Because, like, Trump kept calling him after he got elected and was like, how are things? He just kept, and like, oh, dude, made obama like a 24 year old it was very weird like the people they cast for everybody yeah like obama was like a young 24 year old black dude strange wait why what is this he got geezerfied he looks old as fuck but then trump came in

at the beginning obama and comey meet up and because obama appointed him head of the fbi and he was like all right we can't be friends that's how this works president and head of the fbi can't be boys we should separate but then when trump gets like sounds like something boys would do true and that is true uh but then when trump gets elected he immediately is just like you're with me you're loyal right you're very loyal like comey and he kept being like Comey was like obsessed with the law and he was like I'm loyal to the truth I cannot be

like he just kept doing it and Trump was like that's great who played Trump like Brennan Gleeson really and he did great

he looked exactly like him it's pretty good but at one point is he already making movies about this yeah it's on Showtime it's good

it's actually good it was actually really good. But at one point, like, so just the way Trump talks off the screen when he's talking to people is how he talks. Yeah. And I never even put that together. That's how he would talk. Like, during a meeting, he'd be like, well, we did win the election. Like, just, like, bragging about, like, Hillary, she ran a terrible campaign.

People said she didn't. Like while he's getting briefed. Yeah. And then at one point he calls this dude who was Comey's replacement, whose wife actually ran some political position for the Democrats and received a million dollars from the Clinton Foundation.

Yeah. They threw that in the show? Should be the head of the FBI. Wait, so they threw that in the show? Yeah. Were the head of the FBI, just saying. Wait, so they threw that in the show? Yeah. Were they throwing it in to be like, this is fucked up?

No, they were throwing it in to be like, so what? Who cares? It's not a big deal. They always do that in these fucking things. But Trump calls him

the night of and he's like, he's like asking, he's like, who did you vote for? Did you vote for me to the head of the FBI? And he's like, I voted Republican asking, he's like, who did you vote for? Did you vote for me to the head of the FBI? And he's like, I voted Republican every year my entire life except this year.

And he's like, oh, yeah, that's great. Why don't you, you know, your problem is it's your wife. Why don't you ask her what it's like to be a loser? She lost her election. She hangs up on him. It's like, God damn, I wonder how accurate that is. If he's just that big of a motherfucker behind the scenes. Just call people?

Yeah. Did you vote for him? Did you vote for me? Did you vote for me? It was making me laugh. That is hilarious. It also is weird that that's already a TV show. Usually, the things come out like eight, five, six years later.

But rushing to production and being like, here, we're going to cover a current event and do like a you know but the whole yeah the whole thing was about like russia getting him elected and then it's like what has russia gained now that there's some time between now and 2016 yeah like was trump an fbi like a not an fbi a fucking russian like what did russia get out of the last four years of trump well did anything good happen for them well from there like i don't know true well if you read about the uh what the fuck's it called like the informational warfare that the idea is for other countries to like start dividing populations from outside like fine little things yeah they did cover that they were like they did split us in half pretty good. Yeah, it was, you know.

Nice. Pretty nice. Good for them. Big win for the Ruskies. You know, every now and again, you know, we'll have the... So, like, Lena Duncombe's, Alana Glazer,

those types of girls. Yeah, Lena Duncombe's. Russian assets. Big time. Absolutely dividing the population. Yeah, or you're just in Russia and you're like, I just want to make these guys fight

and fuck each other over. But I don't know. I mean, you know, then again, it's like, who the fuck? Who knows, man? Fun's times that is a bit i do see again i've said before that there was a guy who came and claimed he started the aids thing that like the government yeah the russian guy got he like defected and he was like yeah that was us we started that it's like fuck that's fucking crazy yeah but but yeah no we're like dude we're

propagandized into a fucking oblivion. For sure. Yeah, I know that. You turn off the news and they're like, what do I have to watch? And it's like, here's the James Comey story. And you're like, oh, sweet, thanks. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then, like, they're showing it to you as if certain things did happen, like accusations. Like, they show flashes of Trump and two prostitutes in Russia pissing on a bed. Tight. Like, where they're like, this did happen. Yeah.

Like, here's the true story. And you're, like, watching it, and then, like, I'm sitting there like, oh, yeah, that must have happened. Of course. You know? Yeah, of course. It's like, yo, it's in the movie. I saw it.

I mean, dude, then they also, if you read another news source, they're like, oh, we've proved definitively that actually that whole Russiagate thing was a conspiracy. And in all honesty, that Biden and his son actually did this and then they're like no they were totally undocumented so it's like you just have two alternate realities going on at the same time right now and every now and again everyone gets riled up and they see each other and they're like let's fucking fight to prove who's it's fucking religion it's it's like back in the day it was like god's this no god's that and then people would meet and kill each other and then whoever won you know it's just it's their

view of reality. And people are trying to fight to make it right. And it's like. I didn't realize the piss bed was on where Michelle and Barack would stay. In the hotel where, when they visited Russia. Oh, really? That's where Trump was. Allegedly.

Yeah. And that's where he had two hookers piss on him on a bed. And then Michelle. That was Michelle and Barack's bed. What? Which, as soon as I heard that, I was like, all right, this is becoming very believable

because he is a fucking monster. Let's piss on their beds. Like, just, you know. That was immediately, I was like, oh, shit, yeah. True. I thought the accusation was he was just getting pissed on.

I had no idea it had anything to do with them. Why don't we hook presidents up to a lie detector test? It's like, if they think I did something, they're going to do it. Because they make the rules?

True. Probably like, no. It's like, we're not doing lie detectors. I mean, it would solve so many problems. It's like,

all right, dude, put it on. Let's see what's going on. Yeah. Nobody would be like, I'm cool. I'm out of my fucking office.

Well, that's because they all lie. So neither of them, like Biden, couldn't recommend that for Trump. True. You know? Yeah. Because then he'd be like, right call your bluff we'll both do it yeah like let's just settle the score let's just not both it's like dude i usually assured destruction well it's like dude i i can't work at in a hospital if i have weed in my system but like what the fuck man you guys can't take another test too like to see if your guys are fit for this

job yeah it's bullshit. I hear you, bro. Fucking goddamn bullshit. And dude, it fires me up. I was talking about it on the live cast. When people are like, vote, vote, vote, vote, vote.

It's like, I do think it's kind of a psyop, dude. Again, these are the people who are saying, you know, oh, we live in this like inherently unjust system that's dominated by these people

with unimaginable wealth and power. And they use it to their own advantage to put other people at a disadvantage and within this system they've constructed like the death star somebody left like this little weakness where it's like if we just press the button enough yeah sounds like a giant skinner's box bro you're in there just like yeah it's like yeah dude yeah good luck that's how i feel i you know i might be a little on that but it's like, oh, and this big Death Star thing

that's been around. All we have to do is push, enough of us push the button and it's like, I find that hard to believe. I don't know, though.

Call me a fool. I don't know, though. Yeah. Because they did get Trump. Enough people press the button to just totally get the guy nobody wanted.

They pushed the Trump button, yeah. So, I think voting might work in that case. That's what, you know what, that's what someone said to me before, too. They were like, I used to not think it was real that they elected Trump. Yeah. So I think voting might work in that case. That's what, you know what? That's what someone said to me before too. They were like,

I used to not think it was real. Then they have elected Trump. Yeah. Yeah, man. I mean, then it, then my brain,

this is how I naturally think it starts. Is it like, there's this part of a multi-step process where it's like, you know, you really have the true like quadrillionaires who are like, all right, what do we want to move in next? All right,

let's, we want to move in like full social program, all this stuff. Let's throw them a wild card and scare them. Because, again, remember, there was this whole thing when they tested the general public and asked, how many of you, like, do you believe that the government has your best interest in mind? And it was like 20% were like yes. So 80% of people were like no.

And all of a sudden it's like now we're really scared and the government is saving us. Again, this is just one way. That's one line of thinking I have. Because, dude, it's like you had kings, you had this, and all of a sudden, I don't know, I go back and forth. Maybe it is. Maybe this is just the best people can do. What's funny in the show is, I've seen a couple of these

where the night of the election in a show, any type of show that covered this, gets very sad and serious. Yeah. This one cuts to it so they're like talking about the election that cuts to the night of the election where like james comey's daughter runs into the house like crying and the mom's sitting on the couch like oh and everyone's just crying because trump's trump won and then james comey goes to work and a lady's crying at her desk at the fbi and i was like i was watching it last night

fire her yeah immediately she works for the fucking fbi we're sure they're crying yeah get her the fuck out yeah i mean dude it's also like all right so say that's real right i know i know i know no like say that because that is some people's reality how they experience it so it's like all right so you have this, monster of a president who's going to, like, blow up the world, and, you know, the United States is going to become, like, the fucking KKK or something or whatever, and you're freaking out. And it's like, so you want to stop that, and your response is what the left's response is. It's like, that's where I start to get weird and skitzed out, where I'm like, dude, if I'm strategizing,

I'm like, all right, we need to get this guy out. Clearly, we've got to start leeching some of his supporters. Let's start doing X, Y, and Z. Instead, they'm like dude if you're if i'm strategizing i'm like all right we need to get this guy out clearly we got to start leeching some of his supporters let's start doing x y and z instead they're like this fucking idiot yeah they're so dumb yeah so my head i'm like it just seems like we're being inflamed from two different sides if i was strategizing like all right how do we beat this guy you could do a million different things start being like all right let's do this let's do that so you know so that's where i start to think like dude it seems like people are being more pitted against it doesn't seem like if this is a functioning system it doesn't seem like anyone's like trying to make it function they're just you know we're just people just trying to win for

themselves which you know maybe maybe like you know we had a feudalism we're like a couple bugs are in here maybe democracy we're like all right maybe we shouldn't rest on people's personalities pretty pretty easy yeah well if enough people like you then a gazillion policies follow behind you that nobody knows what they are it's like people like we get to choose it's like no you fucking don't yeah so you know sorry i'm not trying to get on my fucking soap no i don't care you know it's just like liking the show you should the show dude the scene where comey meets him for the first time and he's like, all right, I'm going to debrief him. And I'm going to privately debrief him about the investigation into the prostitutes pissing on him.

Yeah. Which the FBI was like looking into. Being like, hey, just. Yeah, just so you know, this is ongoing. Just so you're not like embarrassed or caught off guard. And I'll tell you privately. But like the first time he sits down and talks to him and Trump's just immediately like. It's great. Just immediately just nuts. and you see the guy's face just like

fuck this guy's fucking retarded trump's and he's like great campaign wasn't it wow and then he sits down he's like fucking with his tie while they're debriefing him and then he's like they lie everybody lies about me they all say I raped them. I didn't rape them. Do I look like I would use a prostitute? Like, just like, and then as soon as you see him, you know, it's a show, so it's fictional. But when you see him act like that, you're like, damn, that probably is exactly how he fucking acts, isn't it? Well, we watched him on Howard Stern in 2004. He sounds exactly the same as he does when he runs for president now. He was on Howard Stern's couch a little raunchier.

But he was like, dude. He's He was on Howard Stern's couch a little raunchier. For sure. But he was like, dude, he— It's like friends, friends, not that great. Higher ratings. We have higher ratings than friends. Dude. It's like how he talks about the Democrats now. That's friends.

Yeah, on the show there, it was like 2000 and what? 14, I think? No, it was before that. 2000. It was whenever The Apprentice was number one, top-running show. Apprentice number one. They made him do an hour and a half, dude, which, you know, obviously, he would do two, but whatever.

He would do two. He would have done two. No, they asked for two. He said an hour and a half is enough. They asked for two. He knows. But, yeah, dude, they were basically, he was breaking down his salary and how he went to whatever NBC or whoever had him,

and he was using friends as his metric, and he was like, I mean, I'm better than friends. Yeah, yeah, yeah. People like me. I mean, I'm not saying it. Was that when friends was on, like, his metric, and he was like, I mean, I'm better than friends. Yeah, yeah, yeah. People like me. I mean, I'm not saying it. Was that when friends was on his decline, though? Must have been, yeah. Yeah, so he was doing like –

But this was probably like 04, 05. He was watching season 18 of friends and being like, Apprentice is way better. And it's not even me. It's the ratings. It's the ratings. We only beat by the Super Bowl. Yeah, he's – I mean, good golly.

Yeah, he's a wild man. But, yeah, watching him on Stern and talk like that and watching the way he talks now, it's like, holy fuck, dude. That's exactly. Yeah. Then again, it's like, dude, maybe he doesn't hold any punch. Apparently, he doesn't do drugs, apparently. Yeah, he doesn't drink or do drugs.

Yeah, you'd think someone would be like, I saw that motherfucker drink. No, he doesn't. Yeah. Yeah, he would have been ratted out. If you don't drink, don or do drugs yeah you think someone would be like i saw that motherfucker drink like you know he doesn't yeah yeah he would have been ratted out you don't drink don't do drugs you know just mcdonald's there was stormy but you know you can fucking ladies bro yeah that's his i guess that's his downfall just the ladies too many ladies he's a ladies man sure that means so handsome that's his problem you know he's too good looking what is i mean he had his whole like reality carved out for him in the 80s where he was like i'm a ladies man everyone's like you fucking ruled and the world just changed on him then you know he got

became president weirdly and he's like i thought everyone fucking thought it was cool yeah he's done such a like they've done a good job of being like people do i think i mean people do lie about him he does get lied on. He has been lied on. People lie on his name, for sure. But, like, I could have sworn in one of the documentaries, he was, like, calling into the New York Times, like, Donald Trump's so handsome.

And they're like, is this Donald Trump? He's like, no. Like, he would really do that. Yeah. Enough, dude. We got to get off the board. True, true. Boy's out there working right now.

True. He's trying to secure a victory. I don't know. I don't think it's looking – everyone I talk to who, like, watches Fox News is like, it's going to be a landslide, bro. It's going to be a landslide. Everything else I see –

Everybody who watches CNN is like, it's going to be a landslide. Like, dude, I've talked to people like, oh, they're going to blow him out. Not a chance. So we'll see. But it is – you know, it's nice they put out this comey documentary like or this show yeah they picked the right time i remember i was at a meeting with fx and they were talking about their they were going to put out a true crime like oj remember the people versus oj yeah they

did and then gia the versace one oh so good dude they were going to do that with clinton and the monica lewinsky scandal and they're like and it's scheduled to come out next year and i remember literally in the meeting being like you'll never be able to do that with Clinton and the Monica Lewinsky scandal. And they're like, and it's scheduled to come out next year. And I remember literally in the meeting being like, you'll never be able to do that. And they're like, what? And I was like, you think you're going to put out like a show that slams Democrats in an election year? What'd they say? They're like, relax, dude.

I noticed it's not coming out though. Oh, dude. I did notice that. That's so fucking funny. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, dude, that's one phone call. They're going to have to wait I did notice that. That's so fucking funny. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, dude,

that's one phone call. They're going to have to wait. Shelf that. Yeah. Put it out in December. Yeah. True that. Not November.

No. Dude, if that comes out, I mean, just funny. Cause again, you have two people being like, you know,

Biden son did this, these nasty business deals. And they're, you know, it's both sides of me. Like, no, no,

fake. Yeah. That's all fake. It's like, we're good. Anything you read bad about us is fake. Anything good is true know, it's both sides and be like, no, no, fake. Yeah. That's all fake. It's like, we're good. Anything you read bad about us is fake. Anything good is true.

It's like fucking retard. He had some rough pictures though. Which one? Of what? Like his teeth and crack. Yeah,

he's on drugs. He's on drugs. He's balling out. Sure, he's having fun. He's partying out. What the fuck's wrong with that,

dude? I support him. Why, yeah, why are we so against partying? Why is everybody on his dick?

For what? For going and getting three million dollars from the mayor of Moscow and doing crack? What's the fucking problem, dude? It sounds like he's like James Bond. You know, he's like in different countries in a tux doing crack. Just on oxys in fucking St. Petersburg. Skydiving now. They send one prostitute.

They take him down immediately. That's what probably happened to the emails. It's probably like, my name's Biden. Hunter Biden. And then they gave him an oxy and he was just like. And they're like, oh, sweet. Here's all your damning emails. They took it right out of his tuxedo pocket.

And he's like. It's like I've been drugged again. One of the Russian spies drugged me. They put crack in my pipe. That blood, the blood from the N64 comes over. Remember when you got shot in multiplayer? Oh, my God. Every time he smokes

crack. Yeah. He's pretty much a world-renowned spy, dude. He's over there partying fucking like

models. He probably woke up with three million dollars and had a hangover his night before. He's like, did I fucking make a deal with the Ukrainian? He's like, fuck, dude, my dad's going to be so pissed.

I fucking promised them all this stuff. Man, yeah, that's a tough hangover. Wake up, you're like, why the fuck do I have $3 million? What did I do? He checks his email. He's like, fuck. Fuck, dude, we we gotta kill somebody imagine smoking meth and your dad's the vice president the delusions of grandeur must be like i mean

oh dude the second you hit that you're like my dad's actually gonna be president shit i'm probably gonna be president eventually i gotta fucking get these teeth fixed though i'll tell you that i mean it's a classic i mean again you get like the get, like, the Bidens have this weird, like, they're a really tragic family. There's, like, they have all kinds of weird archetypal shit. There's, like, the bad wayward son. There's the son who went and, like, died in war. Died gloriously.

Well, no, he didn't die in war. I think he came back and died of cancer. Oh, for real? After serving. Okay. So, yeah. Okay, so, yeah, he didn't have a warrior's death, but he came back. He fought a battle.

That's what I'm saying. I think it was, so go ahead fact check that so you have a son who was just like just spying he's off the note one was up yeah one is buying you know can't kill table yeah true so i was watching bernie mack or not yeah. Kings of Comedy had like three different bits where the closer was faggot. Really? Like that was like the punchline. They'd be like,

yeah, you know, little one, six-year-old, we all faggot. It's like, oh man, these guys are nuts. They did actually. Yeah.

A bunch of them. Yeah, what the hell? Were hitting that joke like hard. I mean, it was... Kevin Hart was the first black guy that wasn't allowed to make fun of gay people.

He was. Kevin Hart was the first. He was like, wait no they got tracy morgan they got tracy morgan then he faked that car crash true to get out of it true that was an inside job that was hunter biden that had hunter biden written all over it he was just driving a limo to draw up some cash his His dad cut him off. He was like, fuck this. He's like, so if I smoke meth and drive, I can drive for five days straight. He's like, $5,000 is perfect. Dude, we're out. Dude, when people on meth go to work, dude, they just work for like four days and fall asleep for like a week.

It's fucking nuts. Yeah, it's good. It's very, it's not proficient at all. No, it gets. Day one and two of the work probably incredible and you're the guy's like dude you worked for two days straight yeah dude you're like yeah sorry i'm just into this i like what i'm doing yeah dude i'm telling you well it's like you work for like three days straight then the lack of sleep starts to induce like uh basically psychosis yeah you saw hallucinating so you just basically you're like work for three days in the world just all of a sudden you have five grand theft auto stars in your head and

you're like i gotta get home i gotta get home checking the blinds yeah yeah dude for real yeah you just you like work for three days and call everyone on your phone be like they're after me and you're like what are you talking about i just worked a lot come get me like what the fuck i've been delivering pizzas for three straight days. The government's trying to stop me now. Papa John knows. Dude, Uber had to set their policy up for meth heads. It would have been awesome. Oh, yeah, true.

Because you can only drive for 12 hours on Uber. They put the meth firewall, dude. Was it you and me? Williams Grove where the dude was. Oh, we would do three. We went home and he was like, I've been driving for 24 straight hours. He found a way. I guess you could do Lyft and then do Uber. Yeah, that's what he was doing. Oh, dude. Wasn't it you and me? Yeah, we were there driving for 24 straight hours. He found a way. I guess you could do Lyft and then do Uber. Yeah, that's what he was doing.

Oh, dude. Wasn't it you and me? Yeah, we were there. I remember that. It's funny. I don't remember much of that car ride, but I do remember that guy. That guy. He was like, I know a way around it.

And I think I figured out the real trick. Yeah, he was like, I've been driving for like, how long have you been on the clock? That was definitely a you question. How long have you been on the road, man? How long have you been clocking? Come on, man. And he was like, I think it was like 15 hours when he said it. We were both like, damn.

We were both like hammered and high. Like, whoa, dude, that's crazy. We were trying. I couldn't figure out how to get the app to put an extra stop in. Oh, man. That was a struggle to get to the sheets. Yeah, that was tough. I had to fucking slide something under the table, dude.

I had to Hunter Biden out. I made a deal. I made a deal with him behind the scenes. You found a Hunter Biden. Here you go, bro. Fuck, man. I made a deal. I made a deal with him behind the scenes. You found a Hunter Biden dude? Here you go, bro. Fuck, man. Yeah, it is. This shit's fucking nuts, man.

H. Biden, baby. He balls out. I need to look more into him because right now my base understanding does rule. Oh, Bowhead cancer.

Brain cancer. I did. Okay. Thank you. Thank you. So, Bowhead cancer. Wife died. Hit Thank you. Thank you. So Bowhead cancer, wife died, hit by a truck. Hunter Biden still at large and doing fabulous. Gillis Farm corncob truck.

Corncob truck. This is wild. I mean, dude, you talk about a dude getting beaten down by life. I think he had a daughter in the car with the wife. Dude. Dude. Yeah, it was Bow's whole family. Jesus. Yeah, it was Bo's whole family. Jesus.

Wait, it was Bo's whole family? Yeah, Bo's, his daughter and his wife. No, no, no. It was Biden's wife. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So like Biden's wife, then niece and nephew action? No, it was Biden's wife and daughter. Two?

Yes. So, wife and daughter two yes so no nieces nephews nothing to do with bo's children son marries a son dead so i did i did put a tincture in their coffee did you i gave i offered the option uh the option to have a tincture how is that thing by the way it's pretty sick hell yeah You guys getting hit pretty good right now? I'm fine. Yeah. Sorry, Noah. Yeah, that weed's really mellowing you out. I'm fucking fine. I gave the stoners some coffee today, dude.

That's big. They have been buzzing. They've been focused. No one's laughed once. True. They had coffee. They're just... Normally, they're high as fuck. They're like, whoa'm going to be Vice. Trojan. They're coffee. They're just... Normally, they're high as fuck.

They're like, whoa. It's so silly. Had to balance them out a little bit. Yeah. Damn, that's a fucking crazy life for this guy, man. You're like, hey, guys, I'm going to be Vice. And it's like, bro. Diamond Joe. I'm the fucking man in Delaware.

And then your entire family dies slowly. Yeah. For like 20 years straight. Everybody dies around you. Sheesh. It's like the Quick Time Kenned time kennedy's dude yeah that's kind of strange but i wish biden was a little more cognizant because then he could be the man yeah but well like they say in matthew dude what good does it do for a man to gain the world when he loses his soul? Who lost his... What do you mean? How did he lose his soul? Biden, dude.

Serving the Democratic establishment. Come on, bro. Come on, dude. Come on. The guy has fucking fish to fry. He's like, I got some family stuff going on. You have to run.

He was like, fine. He did. Yeah. Four years ago. Dude, if all that shit happened to me and you got to run, I'd be like,

go fuck yourself, guys. Yeah. I'll send my son over to Moscow. I'll secure the bag. Buzz off. Yeah. four years ago dude if that all that shit happened to me you gotta run I'd be like go fuck yourself guys yeah I'll send my son over to Moscow I'll secure the bag buzz off yeah well come on man

dude and they parade you've been beaten down you've been like basically the story of Jobed and then they're like get out there

I'd be like fuck you see what's going on around me yeah my one remaining fucking kid is a drug addict

my family died all horrifically and you want me to go fucking argue this guy i'm not doing it you gotta go argue with donald for 250 000 not doing it man no you get more than that i mean obviously dude that's what i'm saying that's chump changed honor fucking 007 dude that's nothing that is true though i don't want to slander this guy because i don't know him at all but you know i just wanted to say that matthew dude that's nothing that is true though I don't want to slander this guy because I don't know him at all but you know

I just wanted to say that Matthew quote that's all it has to do I know I know that's why I was like what does that have to do I knew that's all you wanted to do of course I knew what you were doing yo you would love

first off I watched three fucking different series yesterday what'd you watch I told you me and Beezer were in the tomb true I was in the tomb that's awesome actually

fucking good song or good lord bird it's about I heard that's good bro yeah fucking rules Me and Beezer were in the tomb, dude. True. I was in the tomb with Steve Beezer. Fucking Good Lord Bird. I heard that's good. Bro. Yeah. Fucking rules. I heard that's good. John Brown. Yeah, Beezer.

I talked about him on the Civil War podcast. What'd you talk about? John Brown. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He was the guy who tried to raid at Harper's Ferry, tried to start a slave revolt. He was in the revolt. He was a white guy, though, right? Yeah.

He's nuts. I never knew that. He's out killing people in Kansas. He's like, if you like slavery, I'm going to fucking kill you with a sword, dude. He was nuts. Yeah. But the show's actually kind of funny. Is it really?

Yeah. Is it a good way? Yeah, it's funny. It's actually very funny. That's fucking awesome. Yeah. Like John Brown just being nuts is the joke. Like him going around screaming Bible quotes and then blowing someone's head off.

It's like, nice, this guy's hilarious. Fucking awesome, dude guy's hilarious but yeah he yells bible quotes that's what reminded me of it that's what you do we'll just toss in one like that you had a little bit of john brown you grow that beard out come on man nice you have to behead noah for the way he treats the mayor no i'll tell you what there was a huge power vacuum at the live show. Oh. Right before the fucking, uh, right before the we, you know, let Lemaire do a little stand-up. Which, very nice of you, Lemaire. You gave it to old Deeds. You even won Rock, Paper, Scissors. One Rock, Paper, Scissors.

I'm singing your praises. You won Rock, Paper, Scissors and said, Deeds, you got it, bro. Deeds, you got it. You got this spot. Because Deeds and Lemaire, they were a little salty about Gardini doing some spots during the weekend. We were salty. That's pathetic. Don't ever do that again.

Gardini did fantastic. Gardini crushed. Until you can follow Gardini, don't talk shit, dude. Yakety yak. Don't talk back. Might have to have Gardini on, dude. Gardini's a king, dude. Youngster, dude.

23. He buries Lemaire. Minds me of my younger self, dude. I just know how angry that makes LeMaire. I see a lot of myself in that kid, dude. I see so much of us in him. Every time I see Gardini, I'm like, this guy is going to be huge. He's probably going to crack iTunes Top 200 every once in a while.

This is the next big thing. For sure. This is the next big thing. For sure. But, so did I tell you they were, him and LeMary and Dorian got a little fucking snippy on the way out when they found out Gardini was in there. Yep. What do you think of that? No, I wasn't mad.

You were green with envy. I was green. I was like, what? No way. And then, all right, I was like, fine. Because I love Sean. If anybody should get it, it should be a boy yeah pretty funny

one of my boys I mean not a point for the man I hear you I hear you you weren't just like it better not be a female comic yeah oh that's what I thought you meant

I take back my laugh no he was just like it should be one of the boys of his friends damn it I was kind of like damn Lemaire that was actually pretty good

yeah good one well it ain't yeah we only support we support male comics. We only support young, white male comics. But,

no, Dorian and Lemaire got wind that Gardini was getting the guest spot and I heard some, first off, good God, you two need to knock that fucking high five off. Him and Dorian have a secret handshake.

Really? And they did it in front of it. We were all just sitting on the couch and they came in and did it in front of everyone. all right yo you ready to go i was like oh my god dude you two stink and then they're like sean are you what are you doing are you you doing he's like yeah i got a show tonight they're like what show are you doing he's like oh i'm just i'm on change show and they're like what the fuck dude they stormed out choked a snake he was like big dork storm out like a fast walk

two dorks they both did the naruto blast they put their arm they were furious they saw they tried to summon as many like anime moves as they could they started they both started charging up i was like no sean's doing the gas spot though just that one fucking drop of water oh my god what do you mean that's not what happened no i wasn't i wasn't salty i wasn't salty there because i think the Deeds man was salty. Yeah. I heard Deeds.

Deeds? No, yeah, Deeds was like. Apparently, Deeds yelled, oh, he gets a fucking guest spot. I think that was the quote. Yeah. So that stuck with me. That is what Deeds yelled, yes. But then on Sunday, we were like, all right, let's give Deeds the rock. Give him a guest spot up front.

And I'll tell you what, he fumbled. He fumbled on fumbled he got his first he fumbled on his first care oh he though it's in his defense he had uh we for the staff was like we're so sorry for that mix-up it was purely our fault because we didn't tell them like oh by the way it's not lemaire going up we're like they're like yeah it's lemaire hey guys figured yeah yeah yeah so they're like welcome to the stage, La Mer Lee. And Dorian came out and was just like, La Mer, do you want to do this? I don't want to. Yeah.

And my favorite was I got a report from the Bees who, over the moon, that this was going on. He was so happy that there was a failure. And he said. That's like Russia watching the Challenger. They're like, yes. It really is. It really was, dude. And he said when they announced LaMere Lee,

LaMere was in the audience and ran to the stage. And he said LaMere ran by him like laughing while he was there. Nervously laughing. Just imagine LaMere trotting by you in the room. Oh, fuck. Laughing. I didn't get to see it. I'm excited to see it. We'll put that on the live cast on the Patreon. That'll be up shortly. laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing

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laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing

laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing Did he try to hand you the mic Or what happened up there Tell me I didn't get to see it I was We were up there He handed me the mic And he was like Dude you might as well go now I was like no no no man

You go So you guys did like Yeah why did you run to the stage Because I didn't see him coming So I was like Oh shit I gotta go Makes sense Makes sense

Were you high Yeah Yeah Shame I'm a fiend man It's a shame Was Deeds He had a puff He had a toe Good lord dude Yeah. Shame. I'm a fiend, man. It's a shame. Was Deeds?

He had a puff. He had a toaster. Good lord, dude. He had dopers. Behind the scenes dopers, dude. That makes more sense. Deeds' story, dude. When you're stoned on stage, three minutes is a half an hour. You're like, get me the fuck off here.

Stoned on stage when you didn't know you were going on. I know. No one's there for stand-up. You're doing a host spot to... I mean, that's a very terrible spot. And then when they... Oh, my God. If I was high and they gave the wrong name

and then the other guy walked up to the stage, I'd be like, do you want it? Should you do it? I know. All right, that's my time, everybody. He did a couple... He did a hot tip. Yeah, he probably did two minutes.

But that'll be you know that's a little sneak preview for everybody to enjoy it was pretty fun it probably doesn't look as bad as we're saying maybe it did but that was pure chaos

well you know when you know you know when you're doing stand up you're like oh fuck this is crazy like any dysfunction there's not supposed to be

any dysfunction so they were like we're so sorry about that and then for that something happened then where they also forgot the music because there was no chain reaction.

There was no music. They didn't. When they introduced LeMaire, Dorian came out and was like, Booth, you had one fucking job. And it was like, oh, hot dogging. Hot dogging. Deeds is hot dogging a little. I remember hearing that and being like, damn, dude.

You had one fucking job that he just, like, failed to introduce. I was like, oh, anyway, give it up for Matt and Shane. Also, I think it was the GM. I think it was the manager that was in the booth at the time. So, good move, career-wise. Yell at the manager of the club. Be like, nice work, loser. Anyway, I'm about to bomb for two minutes.

God damn it. Please book me. Dude, Deeds is the fucking man. Gardini was just back there, just. Yeah. Yes, yes. Not as easy as it looks, boys. dude deeds is the fucking man Gardini was just back there just yes yes not as easy as it looks boys well that dude

in comedy the closest like dudes can never understand older chicks seeing hot younger chicks as a comedian

when you see a funny dude who's like 24 you're like an old lady all of a sudden like she's not that hot

oh for sure she's not that pretty she's not that hot so when you're a little older you see a youngster coming in you're like you I can't believe you'd like Oh, for sure. She's not that hot. So when you're a little older and you see a youngster coming in, you're like, I can't believe you like her.

Yeah, for sure. Stop looking at her. That's how I get every single time Vulture came out with their top 20 up-and-coming comedians. I just read it like, as if. Then you go get plastic surgery. Then I go get the tits. Get massive tits. Dude, you were even trying to get into, I think it's called the,

fucking what's the name of it? The phallic mother. I'm still, I'm finishing the denial of death, and they just end with, I'm almost on the ending, but they do. They're breaking down Freudian theory, and they're trying to say it's not not all just about like sex and impulses. It's more about the fear of death is what really drives people. And they get into the symbol of the phallic mother, dude.

It's so fucking – because there's female castration. There's castration anxiety. So like dudes – and people say like it's not about losing your dung. It's about like realizing you're a finite creature and you do this at like six years old and it just terrifies you. But when you see like – because back then you would just like peep years old. And it just terrifies you. But when you see like. You know. Because back then you were just like. Peeping your mom's vag all the time on accident.

Because you're all taking like baths and shit together. So you see your mom's vag. You see your mom's vag. You just sort of like. You're just blown away. Like why the fuck doesn't my mom have a dong? So you're saying you get like tortured by dreams of just your mom with a dong. Wait what?

It's the phallic mother dude. Who's getting that dream? It's a symbol of unity. I mean nobody. People get dreams of chicks with dicks. Back then yeah. Well it's like dudeallic mother who's getting that dream it's a symbol of unity I mean nobody people get dreams of chicks with dicks back then it's like dude it's an ancient symbol and the idea is

when you figure out that so there's dude Freud sucks dude I hate Freud every single thing now every time I hear Freud I'm mad

dude it's not it's not just him it's ancient symbols dude the fucking hermaphrodites are ancient symbols it fires me up dude It's ancient symbols, dude. The fucking hermaphrodites are ancient symbols. It fires me up, dude.

Talking about Joan with a dick. Catch one. What do you think she'd be sporting? If you did see your phallic mother, what do you think she'd be sporting? Joan? Based on her attitude? Hog? Actually, no.

Based on her attitude, absolute penis. Walk around like... You think she'd have like a bird's nest? Just like big pubes and a little penis? Yeah, a little robin's egg? Dude, this shit was fucking me up. It was like as a little boy... Your mom would be donged out. You think she'd be donged out?

I think your mom has big dick energy for sure. You think so? Yes. Yeah. As soon as I said big dick energy, sure. You think so? Yes. Yeah. As soon as I said big dick energy, I'm like, I'm a fucking bitch. No, that's fair. I almost said it. Yo, you should watch.

I listened to this podcast. I'll tell my mom about the compliment. She's like strong. Your mom's like pretty strong. Yeah, for sure. Fucking jacked dick. I like to imagine her with something a little more like, you know, just like standard. So every once in a while, I was listening to a podcast and I checked the number one podcast in the world at the time was this girl named Sophia.

She was one half of, what's the name of that podcast? Sophia? The Guys, not Guys We Fucked. Guys We Sucked. of what's the name of that podcast sofia the guys not not guys we fucked guys the guys we so it was the it was the remake of guys we fucked with hot chicks they're like all right what if they were hotter and sluttier perfect and it was a home run dude yeah think if somebody remade our show just like two hotter chats that were just more like a more crazy version of us they're just like yo bro that'd be so fucking fun uh but we'd have to find them and destroy them we'd have to guys we fucked needs to kill call her daddy for sure but call her daddy broke up already obviously it was two hot chicks they exploded oh for sure

uh they just wanted different things for lunch one day, and the whole thing fell apart. How are we not both getting our way? This doesn't make sense. So the one girl who... So they split. The one girl stayed with Barstool, and now she's the captain of the ship. The other one was exiled.

To where? And was humiliated. What was the problem? I don't know. It was something about money. Because they were making... They didn't understand it? No, they were making hundreds of millions of dollars.

I fucking admit. Yeah, they were killing it. But they were getting nothing because they signed a contract with Barstool. Who, in their defense, Barstool probably made them that famous. Yeah. But I think the one girl wanted more. The other girl was like, fuck her. I'll stay.

Sold her out. They just talk shit. Anyway, I listened to, you got to listen to these podcasts. They're nuts. I mean, dude,

it's the ramblings of hot. We should listen. Ramblings of hot chicks is gotta be so funny. Wild dude. Yeah. That's just like, yes. Daddy gang.

They refer to the fans as daddy gang. And she just talks to them. She'll talk to them while they're talking. They're like, Daddy Gang, this is what happened. I was like, sucking a guy's dick. Oh, my God. I'm such a slut. Daddy Gang.

Dude, it's wild to listen to. It's wild. You've got to hear it. What the fuck? This thing broke up? I know. I can't believe it. I mean, they instantly started comparing themselves to each other.

Dude, you can't put two hot chicks in a room. They're so hot. They're like roosters. They are. They're like betta fish. They'll peck each other's fucking things you can't put two hot chicks in a room. They're so hot. They're like roosters. They are. They're like betta fish. They'll peck each other's fucking things off, dude. They will.

They probably got in there like... Well, the... Oh, I was listening to... I listened to the one girl. Jesus. Who was the number one podcast in the world was her explaining

what happened. That's funny, Seth. And she was like... Imagine being Malcolm Gladwell. You do like nine hours of research and they just throw hot chicks. So I was blowing a guy...

Two hot chicks like, Daddy Gang, this is what you have to do. You want to glop chicks. So I was blowing a guy. Two hot chicks. Like, daddy gang, this is what you have to do. You want to glop, glop, gulp a guy's cum. It's like, holy fuck, dude.

Now, I think in their defense, they are powerful women and I do think they give good relationship advice to other slots. You know, I think it's a slot playbook.

True. It's important. What's the end goal? They're doing important work. What are they helping you get to? Well, they're already turning like 28, so now it's it's marriage yeah which is great because like two years ago they were like 26 like i'm gonna fuck a new york met that's what and then now it's like i'm gonna marry

an account i never thought i'd want this but i should probably get married yeah yeah that's that's the trajectory of the modern woman dude and i hate to say it it's like you you slut yourself out you hit the slut market as hard as you can it's like guys are you know fucking on wall street like so so so like they're 26 staying up all night as a girl again hate to say it this is what i've seen you slut as high as like the highest level as possible because you're trying to creep socially as high up as you can and not all but a lot a lot do this and then dude like 27 28 your one friend lands a dude that gets married. I've watched this happen.

You start to get a little disillusioned. You start hitting up the old boyfriends from high school, from college that you kind of put on the back burner. Because, yeah, you blew a guy on the Mets once and you thought you were going to marry Michael Jackson's son all of a sudden. And then 28 hits and you start going, all right, I've slutted at decently high levels. I think I could land a mid manager for fucking Cigna and you do that and you know

bro and you go on Instagram and fucking write long shit nobody reads for the rest of your life you gotta yeah look we're being mean

to two chicks that became millionaires doing exactly what we do yeah and they did it in like a one week I'm bitter oh yeah

we're both bitter fats but we gotta start sucking dick I'm bitter. Yeah, we're both bitter. Fats. We got to start sucking dick. I'm going to fucking blow Dorian. I'm going to pin Dorian to the ground. You have to pull his fucking pants down. How do you get those pants off? Billy almost pantsed me at the live cast.

And if Billy would have pantsed me. He's a motherfucker, dude. Bro, I was wearing these pants. I was wearing track pants. Bro, if he would have. He did it. He like gave me a little tug to put the fear of god in me he didn't do it he didn't he was like i could have had you oh that's actually pretty could have had you but it was right i was like holding a beer and like a cigarette i was walking back inside and there were like fans outside i was like all right guys thanks a lot for coming dude if he

would have hit me with a full pants. Both hands were full. Billy's strong and explosive. Oh, he could have got your pants out? It would have been underwear. Dick out. Fast, too. I wouldn't have even had time to move. I'd be holding a beer and a cigarette. Like, hey, guys, thanks a lot for coming out, man.

That was really cool, you guys. Thanks for supporting us. What's the penalty? Look up the penalty for pantsing somebody. I could have pressed charges. For sure. I would have pressed charges.

I would have absolutely pressed charges. Can you go to court and magically, so you'd have to get like cam footage, like you'd have to get street cam footage

to prove you were pantsed. So you'd have to show your penis to a jury, dude. First off, I didn't even know there was a pantser among us. I thought they were extinct. My one friend Jared was a great pants among us. I thought they were extinct.

My one friend Jared was a great pantser. Whenever I'm around him, dude, and I'm usually wearing stuff with elastic waistbands. So tighten it up. That's why they invented belts. Tie the knot. As soon as I found out there was a pantser among us, you'll never see me with a loose string again. If I know Billy's going to be around, tight.

Like a samurai, dude. That's why back in the day, dude, they used to wear, like, guys would wear, like, nine different layers. You probably got pants back then, dude. Fuck your whole shit up.

Yeah, getting pants while... Pants down the middle of a field with no one else around. It was like, fuck, man. We used to pants people at football

and cow tip them. Oh, fuck, yeah. Pants and then cow tip immediately. Dude, we used to do... Incredible. We did a thing in recess where in grade school

where you would get behind somebody, the classic kneel down, but then you would pants and push. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, dude. Same thing. Pants, cow tip. It's the ultimate...

It's like murder in terms of bullying. It is. It's a top sin. That's the actual... Yes. We did it to someone in grade school. Dick how falling? I still feel bad.

Because a falling dick is the funniest thing. I mean mean a stationary dick just sitting there very funny but a falling dick really quick when you're falling first off it's so funny to criticize the uh the slut podcast man they're so fucking dumb. Anyway, dude, a dick when you're falling? I remember a kid, we pantsed a kid and he chased the other kid around

and tried to fight him immediately. That's an on-site defense. Oh, fuck, dude. That's an absolute fight. It's either fight or cry. You have to cry. Either cry or you fight. You have to cry, dude.

Or both, yeah. If you cry, you win. If somebody pantses you and you cry. If I would have cried at the end of the show. Billy pants me and I cried. I've had a really hard year. In Catholic school, one day a week, everyone was game for getting pantsed. You're in your gym uniform.

Oh, yeah. So it's like, dude. Tuesdays. That was when you just would scheme on a pants all week you're like damn come tuesday bro i'm about to pants the fuck out of this kid yeah that's tough it's tough getting pants a lot of people got pants a lot of dogs a lot of dogs are shown to the recess pants what's the penalty for being pants do you guys find it uh yeah you the pantser doesn't get in trouble it's fine but the pantsy can get charged with uh indecent exposure this is crazy this is a lie

it's not a lie this is an outrage this is an ingest hey are you your local senator are you pantsy blaming no i'm just reading the facts sir holy fuck so if you pantsy blaming? No, I'm just reading the facts are holy fuck So if you pants someone that's basically what's no what's your last name Mick Wiggin? Leave the law offices of Lee and Mick Wiggin The pantsy actually is at fault. Mick Wiggin and Lee. Damn, so maybe there's like different no-fault states where like, yeah, we don't prosecute pantsores here in Illinois.

No, that's... No, you're just kidding. He got it wrong. It's backwards. The person who pulls the pants down gets registered as a sex offender. Yes. Oh, so he cops his indecent exposure. Damn, I could get Billy on a list if he tries to pay. Billy might have been a pedophile, bro.

Where is that? Technically, Billy is a sex offender. Technically, he is a... Yeah, he tried... Yeah. Got him. Billy's a sex offender. Is that in America?

Look at the law offices. The law offices are hard at work. It's not in America. It was in England. Ooh. Wow, across the pond. You got to go over to England. It's not in America. It was in England. Ooh. Wow, across the pond. You got to go over to England. That's just old English law.

Classic English law. That's why we fought the Revolutionary War. That was a war. The United States was just full of panthers. Damn. Hell yeah, dude. Where were you at time-wise here? Oh, it's time.

Yo. Shout out Kyle Larson he's back in NASCAR is he really they let him back in he served his six month probation after saying the n-word shout out Young Money his nickname is Young Money

Young Money damn dude his nickname is Young Money he got fired for saying the n-word now he's back on the track back on the he's well I mean what a what an immense loss for the Williams Grove family.

But it's good to see him back at the big list. Imagine the president of NASCAR. We got a fireman who said the N-word. He's like, so? Oh, I know. What are you talking about? He's like, no. It's like six months.

He's like, it seems kind of ridiculous. But, yeah, I guess six months will do it. Man, I mean, tough luck for for kyle larson yeah getting hit with a five percent the n word during this pandemic bad timing i think it was before everything popped off too so shit just probably got continued and then the fucking noose at talladega on uh what's his name bubba bubba wallace turned out to be a fake news, right? It was a false flag. Yeah. It was a false news. False news. Fake news.

Fake news. But every time a different race story came out, Kyle Larson was probably like, fuck. Shit. Young money. Young money. You got to prove all these guys wrong. Well, it's so funny, too. We were just watching that Stern Hollywood Square shit.

And people were like, things are so fucked up. I'm like, we're making progress, dude. Big time. We're making progress. It's funny that you and me watch it. We're like, whoa, holy fuck. Yeah. Yeah.

Today, you and me are like the modern day shock jock. We're both just edgy. Exactly, dude. People can't stop us. We're too edgy. Yeah, I wonder, Edgelords in like 2040 are going to be really, really sick. Edgelords are going to be such pussies in 2040. Oh, yeah, dude.

It's like, uh, I, uh... I shouldn't even be on the air right now as a white guy, but even just talking right now is crazy. Sorry, sorry for laughing. Here's an opinion. You're going to give an opinion? I don't care, dude. I don't care anymore.

Maybe I'll give an opinion. Yeah, dude, what do we got going on here, dude? I think opinion. Yeah, dude. What do we got going on here, dude? I think we can wrap, dude. Texas. Oh, yeah. This Friday. I'm on your ass now, dude.

True. You got a money man. You got a fucking millionaire on your ass, dude. Shut the fuck up. I'm young money. 23rd, 24th. We're going to Dallas. Me and Matt are going to be at, on Friday, the 23rd of October,

Matthew and I will be at the Hyenas Comedy Club in Fort Worth, Texas. Nice. And on the 24th, Saturday, we'll be at the Hyenas Comedy Club in Dallas, Texas. How many shows? Two each. Woo, baby. Four shows. And then the 10th and 11th, Matt's not coming with me, actually.

November 10th, Zanies in Nashville. November 11th, Huntsville, Alabama. And then I think I'm chilling for a minute because I've been doing way too many shows. I don't know how the fuck you do it, man. I'm grinding out from going to Baltimore. Helium's the roughest. Is it really? Helium's the roughest when it comes to party time.

I'm tired. Yeah. I'm tired. Well, you didn't even really party. That's what I'm saying, dude. I can't imagine. Normally, I'm fine because... I mean, you had flying into that mix too it's like dude i was just walking to helium and walking back and being like damn i'm going to bed later than i like to

wiped out you threw a fucking you know i'm not gonna say how many bud lights you drank you threw that many bud lights that was crazy that was genuinely i'd cancel today i can't come sorry i that's why yesterday i was like let's just do tomorrow. I don't need to go back to New York that bad. Yeah. Yesterday would have been, I mean, that would have been terrible. That drive? No, doing the podcast. Oh, Jesus fucking Christ.

Yeah, no way. I needed to lay in the tomb with the St. B's. I mean, dude, let's think about the fucking content we've been putting out, dude. Live podcast last week before. Two podcasts. Here comes another live podcast there comes another it's like you guys stop fucking

I love that dude I love getting on people like this podcast is dying it's like yeah right yeah right tough luck bro yeah

you wish you wish we were dying we're only growing stronger by the moment exactly once those sluts fell we're like perfect once the sluts broke up

we're like maybe you and me could be the new sluts all we have daddy gang all we have to do is talk about us fucking for sure my my slut stories let's can we take over all of uh this will be every week can we take over the loss i lost an erection you know daddy gang everybody out there that's losing erection in hotels rooms hotel rooms after drinking 21 lights Welcome to the club. Yeah, dude.

Try to get your horse hair fucking twisted. Yeah, you got long ass hair that your wife plays with? Daddy gang? Oh, man. All right. Sick. Yeah. We're good.

We're good. Check out the live one. Come to Texas. Come assassinate one of us in Texas. True. Please. With a sword. You ever see that dude in, I think it was Japan.

There was a guy giving a speech, and a guy assassinated him by sprinting on stage with a sword. That's fair game, dude. Yeah. Where the fuck was his security at? They were late. They were a second late. They were too late, because he got jousted. Guy literally sprinted with a sword into his side.

Oh, okay. Full Ninja Gaiden run. Just was like... Yeah. Oh. Yeah, if you're going to assassinate one of us, please, sword. Yeah, I'd prefer sword. I don't know.

Nice headshot. Headshot would be desirable, genuinely. But a sword would be the... Or, I think, a duel. Challenge me to a duel. Be a man about it. You know? You don't like what I'm up to. Hand me a pistol, dude.

Let's go back to back. Obvious he's going to cheat and shoot you. Little John Stockton there. Oh, yeah. Little white chocolate. Alright. Thank you very much for listening to our podcast. Yeah, thank you. Appreciate it.

We're done.