Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 325- Defending our Democracy

Episode Date: November 25, 2020

Another week and another cast. The holidays will come and go just like the episodes. Eventually we'll be older. Frail even. Looking back on these times wondering where the hell these times even went. God damn, and also God bless.  Topix include: DUNKEMS, The Economist, our Democracy, Cartels, everything you could ever want to know about weather, ghost wives, human economies, and so much more.

two we're live dude boyaka man i'm tired from defending my democracy i've been doing it all day okay just everybody dude our democracy is fragile right now oh yeah yeah yeah who challenged are you serious i'm sorry excuse me i'm sorry i didn't even think about how fragile our democracy was i'm trying to defend our fragile democracy dude we're trying i'm trying to you know keep this system together where i can be told to stay inside our democracy is so fragile what we need what we need is war hawks and corporate interests in the oval office for sure our democracy has never been more fragile biden biden released his cabinet today and it was like was it tough oh yeah they're he's trying they're trying to get us right back into Afghanistan, dude.

They're already starting to be like, dude, we can't leave those motherfuckers. Like, look, we hate racism. Like, dude, we can't leave brown people by themselves. They're going to kill each other. It's fun times. That's essentially the argument. Who was trying to destabilize it that you defended it from, and how did you defend it?

I saw a cartoon today in The Economist, which was like a lady with a – Why are you reading The Economist? I get it to my house all the time, dude. This lady is a political – First of all, political cartoons are probably the worst thing. They fucking suck. But there's this lady – At least the ones that make it to major publications. They were just the first memes.

Yeah, for real, dude. They were back in like, dude, if you got a meme in 1800, you were like – Abraham Lincoln's a snake in this hilarious you didn't just hate him you're like i hate this yeah this is a great picture yeah there's a um there's a there's a lady it says like hong kong and there's a lady like pretty racist fighting off a dragon blowing fire on it's like the chinese communist party chinese communist party yeah i think now that biden's in office white like like uh white people with money are like now like all right we can you know we can go back be a little more racist we can let it out now yeah true they're on their best

behavior for a while but yeah now dude so it's like a dragon breathing fire on a hong kong woman like shielding it off me like hello america are you there and they were like we're busy defending our democracy and trump was like lighting a thing on fire. But yeah, it started making me laugh. It's like, you know, our awesome democracy where we get to say whether or not we can work right now. Yeah, yeah. All right.

Yeah, baby. It's like, yeah, we're defending our democracy. In the meanwhile, you can't go to the gym. And apparently you can't buy alcohol before Thanksgiving in Pennsylvania. I mean, dude, it's getting fucking weird. They shut down our booze? Dude, and then I'm reading the, you know, again, I'm reading The Economist, and they're

like basically making a case for, you know who's making a big comeback again? The Taliban. They're doing the same shit. They're being like, well, you know, the Afghanistan government kind of sucks, and the Taliban does a decent job. Yeah. Doing what they do. They've been doing that since Obama.

Yeah, but now they're fine. Right? Because, dude, we were like where's what's up with the taliban we don't care about that anymore yeah fine as soon as he's back they're firing that stuff back up and they're also the whole article is like you know how they're like these you know they like bring resolution to these issues and they like they make sure people can drive stuff the guy was like you know it's like the roads are more secure uh i drive they drive like gasoline or something or i think like cooking gas and he's like the roads are way more secure now that we just pay the taliban he's like you know i mean the taliban were the ones shooting stinger missiles so they do this whole case for it at the end there's a lady from like a city who was like

yeah i really hope the taliban doesn't come here because like i won't be able to go outside my house again and i won't be able to be a scientist anymore they're like well you know there's that yeah sure yeah there are some downsides yeah they were they were letting the taliban back for a long time like hillary clinton like met with like they had meetings i believe there's like pictures yeah they like so they did a photo shoot in the uh economist i don't know if it's taliban or not but there's definitely dudes wearing like religious garb holding guns so i'd'd figure the Afghani like army wear uniforms. But, but yeah, dude, it was, that was pretty funny watching that today.

And then it was just kind of like, you know, it's, the shit's fucking nuts, man. Between that and the stuff about China, it's like, you don't know whether or not China's like a big threat. They're hyping us up on China right now. And I was reading like a different, like the whole idea that China is like a it is a communist party but within this they're like

the communist party they allow companies to compete with one another as long as they hand over their surveillance goods so they're trying to say like you know like i think the market cap for american tech companies is like six trillion dollars if you combine like apple google uh you know whatever microsoft and a couple other ones and they were saying like yeah china's not far behind but they could they could you know what they're like capitalist communist economy they could fight this all the economist stuff yeah it's like it's not even a real it's not a real thing dude you're telling me you know it's just it's just funny they have that and they're like you know in america we don't share surveillance with the government it It's like, we do that too.

We do the same exact thing. Yeah. But either way. Sweet. Sorry. Just tell me about the economists. Just a bunch of bullshit, dude. It's just so funny

how people read that stuff and they're like, yeah, we don't do that. And it's like, literally, that's what all of our tech companies, we do the same exact thing.

But either way. Yeah, that's what. Just a ramble. But the, you know, the idea of defending our democracy. I was like, yeah. Are you just telling me what you read in The Economist?

I mean, you know, a couple. Market cap, yeah, obviously I pulled that from The Economist. Wait, you can rewind the tape and watch it. As soon as you said market cap, I was like. There was literally a part of me that was like. Sorry, I'm really well hydrated right now. Get rid of that bottle. That bottle's crap, dude.

He's carrying the top. If you're just listening, Matt's carrying around a green water cooler top. Dude, what's wrong with that? You hate me being hydrated. You hate me being informed. I don't hate you being informed. I'm glad you're informed. I go through too much plastic.

I should get one of those bottles. I crush bottles. Oh, dude, it was disgusting what I was doing you're informed. I go through too much plastic. I should get one of those bottles. I crush bottles. Oh, dude, it was disgusting what I was doing in my house. I'd buy the case of the water and just crush them up. The thing I'm trying to stop doing right now, other than just reading The Economist and pretending I'm smart for five minutes. Yeah, you've got to stop, dude. That's a tough open.

I know. That's like, I mean, I listen to NPR on the way here, and it's so bad, dude. That's the point. It's like I'm watching the stuff that's supposed to be the top of the top, and I'm like, this is fucking bullshit. This is all fucking bullshit. So it's on Spotify, you hit your daily drive, and it just plays the same five songs you always listen to amongst news stories. And it always starts with an up to the probably every two, three hours update on NPR.

And they all have the most, we've talked about before, the most ridiculous names you've ever heard. Like, I'm Winslow Mc... Like, just bullshit names. And then the lady had, like, an attitude about Trump. Like, normally they're very, like... They have the same tone every single time. But this lady, like, broke it and was like,

Donald Trump still won't give up. I'm like, oh oh shit a little fucking snippy out of the npr lady damn dude meanwhile they report on like literally atrocities with the same monotone like i don't like and 48 other students were murdered in the nigerian university as muslim extremists scaled the walls and donald trump still won't even do what i want him to do wait what oh it's i it's i mean i listen to it because it you know it does give me the news but you got to get through the lens of yeah you get the news through a lens of just people like i'm sorry well the the funniest thing about that is like, you know, with all the COVID shit, they're like,

Kenny was, they're like, what do you say to people who like can't go to work and like, yeah, people are dying. Fuck basically. People are dying and I put life over the economy and it's like, all right. And again, if I'm wrong, I'm wrong. But like, I'm pretty sure another thing I read said that this will push like at least a hundred million people into like extreme poverty. So, you know, a 100 million people into extreme poverty. So 100 million people, extreme poverty.

You could say at least a million people are going to die of starvation conservatively. So we value life. It's like, well, if you value life so much, wouldn't you bring it? No, you mean 100 million. 100 million people globally will be pushed into extreme poverty. Yeah, yeah. They were talking about famines that are going to come out of this yeah i mean so you can at least say so you know here's the thing it's like okay i value life over the economy okay it's time for the rest of the world to get in

shape you think so yeah dude we took a nap you think the third world has too much diabetes the u.s yeah the u.s took a nap for a year and now everybody's starving meanwhile i'm high on the hog back home dude i had a bowl ofrix last night at 1 a.m. Did you really? It's crazy. It is tight. Just eating to the point where you're like, God damn it, I shouldn't have had this.

Get hurt before bed. Dude, I was not wrong about the industry. Since I announced the Lena Duncombe show, that was actually good. I was wondering. It's good, bro. Is it good? I watched the next two episodes. Dude, I saw the commercial for that. I'm into it. it's good bro is it good i watched the next two episodes i saw the commercial i'm into it i was like there's no way

you're watching this i saw the commercial i'm into it oh my god that fucking there must have been dmt in that rice krispy treat no i'm into it no it wasn't just that i'm into all of them good every episode i like it dude what i'm trying all it takes though is just synth you know synth the music like yeah, for sure. If that's playing in the background of any... Like, I'm literally just watching people work in an office. That's the show. But there's synth in the background, so I'm like, this is fucking awesome. So there's, like, sinister aspects of the office?

Or what's the synth kind of communicating? The synth. Am I saying that? Like a synthesizer. Like the 80s music. Yeah, exactly. Oh, so it's like... Yeah, like cool fucking music, dude. I thought you were talking about, like, a... No, no, not like omin yeah, exactly. That's all it takes. Oh, so it's like... Yeah, like cool fucking music, dude.

I thought you were talking about like a... No, no, not like ominous organ music. No. No, it's like... Yeah, it's like Stranger Things had it in the intro. That type of music. Just give me that. I don't care what the show is.

This is literally a Lena Dunham show about people working... Although she doesn't have anything to do with it, really. She's just like a... I think she directed the first episode okay and that was it but

show rules first episode might have been the best episode Duncombe's rules dude Duncombe's slap dude Duncombe's yo

you get bought into the industry long enough you actually get some talent and Duncombe's has it you think Duncombe's has it

finally Duncombe's has what it takes dude you think Soda Oats what's it called again the industry you think the industry is the thing that I what it takes, dude. You think the... Soda Oats. What's it called again? The industry.

You think the industry is the thing that... I think it's her finest work. What's the... Well, here's the thing, too. I might have to watch Girls. I've never watched Girls. I tried. I tried.

I remember... I think it'll drive you. I'll go to Nott. Good friend of the show, Mecky Leeper, was telling me, like, Girls really liked it. He was saying this the one time

and I was like... Best friend of the show, Mecky Leeper. He loves the show. I was... can't get enough of the show big uh one of our biggest conservative proponents yeah very concerned behind the scenes extremely racist so he was telling me he's like no actually girls is pretty good and i was like get the fuck out of here i almost i remember i got my first uh reaction was like i was gonna going to punch him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a gut reaction. I like that shit.

He's like, no. And I was like, you know what? I'll be open-minded. I'll go back and give it a look. I think it starts with someone getting their ass eaten or something. So I was like, all right, maybe the kid's got a point. Yeah, I think the first episode is Brian Williams' daughter. The guy from the news.

Isn't his name Brian Williams? Isn't that his daughter that gets her ass eaten? Really? Yeah. Is that the first episode? Because I've seen that. I've seen that scene. Yeah, I think it's the first one.

I heard B. Willie's daughter was getting her ass eaten. You know I had to peep that. Yeah, no, I saw it. I got into like three episodes, and I was like, no, peace and wrong. This is pretty bad. Yeah, but again, Mika Duncomum's was young when he watched that. Mika Duncum's was young. Miki Dunkeys. And you could get pussy back then.

You could be like, actually, I like girls. And some girl would be like. Yeah, but it wasn't just, I don't know. I remember there was a wistful period in my early 20s where I was very whimsical. Yeah, true. You know? True. I went through a gay phase myself, so I understand.

I was walking around listening like vampire weekend uh yeah in my headphones yeah that's why you like all that synth dude that's why you like that the duncans infested me with that back then if something and yeah the synth rules i was excited last night knowing i had to drive here today knowing i could blast on the way i listened to it for like one minute. I was like, this shit stinks. So what's it about? What's the show about? It's about interns.

So they're all college students. They're all college grads. And they all get placed in this office. And a bunch of them, you get fired. It's just an internship. And it's just them just hustling, grinding. Different ways to... There's a beautiful...

My Turkish princess is in it. Really? I love her. Me and her. What'd she do in the show? She sluts out. What? She has to slut to get ahead, dude.

Damn, really? Kind of. Is she? She has to slut. She's slut, so she has to slut out. Well, she goes very womanly. Her approach to get in with the office is to, like, get everybody coffee in the morning, get lunch for everybody.

And the black chick's very like, I'm just going to fucking kick ass. Nobody can stop me. The white dude's like, I'm going to party with everybody. So, I mean, they stereotypically got that pretty correct. Yeah. The white dude's like, I'm going to do fucking coke with everyone in that. And the black chick's like, I'm going to grind my ass. It's fucking good, dude. It's Duncum's, dude ass it's fucking good dude it's duncans dude the show

is true yeah i'm trying to uh i'm trying to get out of the thing of just like negging people for stuff they like like i walked i gotta stop my family has a hard problem with this man like i don't think hold on though i can't there's no way i can watch girls if i go back i think i remember seeing a scene where duncans was getting boned by Adam Driver. And I was like, this must be art. The problem, I think my problem with girls is it triggers my PTSD of having sex with girls that look like Lena Duncans. My PTSD of having sex with girls that look like Lena Duncans. Oh, a bunch of Duncans? So I see that scene, I'm like, oh, Jesus Christ.

Yeah, I did that. I just started feeling like I'm in Westchester. I'm like, shit, fuck, fuck, fuck. That's exactly where I got mine, too. Westchester must be, there's something going on there. It's like the meteor rocks in Small shit, fuck, fuck, fuck. That's exactly where I got mine, too. West Chester must be, there's something going on there. It's like the meteor rocks in Smallville, dude, in West Chester. It's just like fucking light beer.

There's like calcified light beer fragments that glow in frat houses. A girl passes out and hits her head on, you gotta see Smallville, dude. I mean, this is like fucking. Yeah, I've been in there. I've been captured by whatever that is in West Chester. I've been captured by whatever that is in westchester i've been captured by duncans in westchester a couple times yeah there's also a small alcove in uh

elon in north carolina as well that'll get you there's duncans on every university dude i'm a bit of a duncan connoisseur dude true i've always prided myself on that just i you have always proud proud prided yourself on being able to take down the any duncans that comes your way. For sure. And then show them off. With no shame. Show them off, too.

Brag about your dunkies. I brag about dunkums hard, dude. People would do that all the time in college. They'd be like, check this, check out. And I'd be like, check out this dunkum. I'm still on that. I'm still on that where I'm like, yo, check this, check out. You've got to get some dunkums, dude.

I've got to start bragging about dunkies. That's the first page of the Kama Sutra. It says you have to practice your lovemaking skills on people who might not be that uh you know exciting to you so you can become an excellent lovemaker on dunkums it's in the kama sutra kind of fucked up to be honest but in the kama sutra it's like yo fuck some other people so you're focused on your own sexuality no it's like so you can practice your moves so that like you don't just like see like the hottest bay of your life someone you just want to like just start serenading with all your boys immediately yeah so it's like you have to you have to just like practice on a dunkums yes especially the weird pretzel i think i've been

i've been the dunkums i think a lot of girls have practiced on me dude no i've i know it's different because girls don't they're not like showing, showing pics. Or maybe they are. No, they do share pics. Yeah. Like, look at him. True. With mine, they have to include, he's tall. Like, they show all these pics. They're like, no, he's very tall.

They're like, let's go to Six Flags again. They're like, why are you taking a picture of me next to the ride thing again? Keep getting my height. Like, this guy can ride any roller coaster. He's like, fuck. Yeah, man. Dude. That's what I'm trying to stop doing.

My brother had sent a thing to the family text the other day, like, inviting trying to stop doing my brother had a send a thing to the family text the other day like inviting us all out to like a taco night i think he's got a new base i think he's like hey guys come out like basically meet my girlfriend normal nice thing to do my sisters like they didn't call him gay but they were like you're a girl like called him a girl basically for trying to like get people to hang out it was just like jesus wait he was trying to get everybody to meet his new bae yeah he's like come out for taco night or something that is very chick yeah well they called him a fucking girl and the girls in your family like girls in my family girls are the worst jesus man kind of sick and twisted family am i a part of people that don't

have sisters have no idea what it's like to have a woman at least i have younger sisters dude you can have an older sister it's just women Women in your life that are just, especially when they're your age, they can be very mean. I have a little sister, so I can just be like, yeah, enough. You guys knock it off. But yeah, then I'm like, dude, my family, there's so much negativity, dude. It's just the knee-jerk. I can't get in the car with my one sister without fighting her. Really?

Yes. Non-stop. Fucking non-stop, dude. Why? I can't get in the car with my one sister without fighting her. Really? Yes. Non-stop. Fucking non-stop, dude. Why? I can't. Like, I don't know. I can't. Does she start it?

No, she just tries to be herself. But she lies. She's a liar. What? Well, she's not a liar. Yeah, I hear you. She's a horse feeder. Yeah, okay.

All right. So say we go to the coffee shop and we're going to see my niece and nephew. She's like, oh, I got to get these cookies for the kids. Yeah. I'm like, you're going to eat a cookie. That's why you're saying that. Stop saying things are for the – they shield themselves behind the kids. You can't go into –

Like we got to do this for the kids. You can't enter a woman's sweet treat subconscious, dude. I'm like, are you going to eat one of those cookies? That's the driving force of a woman's mental activity is sweet treats, dude. Every single conversation with her I have is like fucking litigation. Like I literally have to break down. Like I'm a cunt about it too, and I do apologize. But I can't – like if somebody just horse feeds, I'm like, all right, well, you're not getting it for the kids.

You're getting a cookie. You're getting a cookie right now. And women, they have no time for litigation. No. Because once they hit the wall – Or they'll tie you up in their courts, and that's do you do get lost you get tied up in litigation they ask you a question that they believe you dry yeah the answer is yes like answer this question i'm like didn't you just have tricks last night it's like this isn't about the tricks

did you have tricks yes or no it's like yes i had tricks last night okay then it's yeah it's okay yeah no we're not settled exactly Exactly. That's fucking bullshit. They rest the case on you hard. They also just rest the case by just being like, fuck it. Like, just spaz out. You can hold them in contempt of court. They get contempt very quick. Like, if you tie them, if you get them into a dead end, they just hit the eject button.

They rush the judge instantly. And I got rushed several times. Sometimes tears. Sometimes tears will get you yeah but yeah literally i haven't been same thing with my ex too yeah there was never a time where i was in the car with her that we didn't fight if there was a car ride over five minutes there was a guaranteed argument yeah dude that's gotta be me well yeah what like run me through the thing like what we got maybe maybe if a lady horse feeds you should just ignore it yeah dude i can't oh yeah if i get hit with a horse feed i have to be like

well you're lying right now the problem isn't is you know i think we all do this to a degree but i feel like women will hit you with justifications that you go yeah what are you why would you say that just say i'm buying a cookie don't say i need to get the kids cookies but again dude and of course when she got the cookies the fucking dogs ate the cookies when we left the room verified verified the hounds ate the cookie yeah they ripped up the bag the hounds got to the cookies and i was like great it's a good thing you brought those fucking cookies what a perfect crime dude eat all the cookies and like get the dogs in the bag these dogs are gonna to be sick. Destroy a paper towel.

Just shit in the backyard. Like, look, that's disgusting. Just in there putting the bag in your mouth. Yelling at dogs. You motherfuckers. They were for the kids. The patsies. But no, she munched her cookie and then the dogs got the kids cookies.

Look how many types of cookies were bought this time. There were three chocolate chips from the Christian coffee shop I attend. And they like me there. Do they really? Yes. Coffee shop rules. I mean, they see you bringing in the big sales, dude. You're going in there.

I'm bringing in family members now. Were they the big guys? No, they were reasonable cookies. They weren't huge. This is like a Spunk-O-Mire? Yes, about Spunk-Ins. So no Chips Ahoy? Alina Spunk-Ins.

So not like some Chips Ahoy little guy? No, it wasn't crazy. It was like a regular... It's about the size of an oatmeal cream pie. Okay. An oatmeal oral cream pie. So, yeah, I brought my. First off, yeah, I got to stop being mean to her.

That's the problem. When we got there, I was like, stay in the car. You didn't want to. I'm going in the car. Because I knew there was going to be a kerfuffle. Really? I knew there was going to be. This is what I'm getting.

Some sweets. I'm getting sweet treats. I was like, you've got to stop eating so much sugar. And, of course, who am I i that's an absolute battle dude now and it's one of those things too because dude it's not even like a thing like you know like a control thing like yeah i've seen you know i'm not going to be specific i'm not going to be specific i've seen bays eat like concerning amounts of sugar to the point where i'm like, dude, you're going to die. Well, that's it.

It's not like I'm like Mr. Fucking Health. I mean, she lives with me. She sees me fucking crushed, dude. She sees you eat the chicken. She sees me eat like three steaks and then like crazy amounts of food. That's healthy, though. But I'm like,

yo, you know sugar's bad for you? Yeah. Like, that's all. That's the extent. Fuck you. I didn't eat any sugar. I'm like, I just watched you get a milkshake. Yeah, man. Stop getting milkshakes. Dude. And then't eat any shake. I'm like, I just watched you get a milkshake. Yeah, man.

Stop getting milkshakes. Dude. And then it's just a Duncum's battle, dude. It's two Duncums. Clash of the Duncs. Clash of the Duncums in the Chevy Cruze, dude. Just battling as to who eats more sweet treats. Dude.

Oh, my God. She's got a point. And, yeah, I just, I got to stop. Like, if one time she came out, she was with my niece and nephew. They were watching Shrek. She came out of the back room where she came out. Shrek was in the back with the kids.

She came out while we're watching a fucking game. She comes out and she's like, the kids want you to watch this. Did I tell you this already? She's like, and I'm sorry, I'm crushing her on this. Cause I know she listens. She out she was like the kids want everybody to watch this

halloween trek clip yeah we need to find it and i was like do the kids want us to watch this fucking the two-year-old was like hey we got to go show these guys this funny clip i just watched or did you like it and you want to show us just an instant fight i'm like just admit you want us to see it that's all say hey everybody watch this clip yeah it doesn't have to be the kid wants you to see this so you're you're just in service of the truth i just i can't stand the fucking horse feeding when it comes to just like don't don't and then she would sell it she'll sell the show she'll be like it's so funny you gotta fucking see this thing like you watch this, you watch this. Wait until you see this. I'm like, dude, just say you want us to see it.

Dude, it sounds sweet, dude. It was nice, but I need the truth. Cop up. I said, just admit you want us to watch the Shrek thing. And then the family gets involved. They're like, Shane, shut the fuck up. Stop antagonizing your sister. And I'm like, I just – and I can't shut the fuck up.

I'm like, well, I just wanted to fucking just admit it. Just admit it. And then like 10 minutes later, I'll be like, just admit it. It's not good. I got problems. No, dude. I mean, yeah, it's one of those things. Just let it go.

Every woman in my life has hated me eventually. For this, almost this exact. Same here, bro. Yeah, sick. It's good to get the wedding ring on that pound eventually she's gonna hate me sick that's that's a tough thing to come to grips with the fact that like like she'll uh oh dude just like come to grips with the fact that like i'm just like inherently annoying yeah it's such a it's dude it's embarrassing tough pill to swallow like

she'll sit there and like be in like a kind of a bad mood, and I'll just start moonwalking. I'll just start doing shit just to bother him. Yeah, you can't. Oh, dude, yes. That brings me to the point. I had to give Phil a lesson on this last night. So last night before dinner, he was on his phone over the food. The food was on the island. My mom always, dish up, everybody.

She says, fucking dish up. And I yell it before she yells it now, and she's like, shut up. Because I know what she's going to say at all times. But so Phil's standing there. Phil's looking at his phone. Yeah. This is Monday Night Football. So he's got some bets coming in.

He's got to take a look. And I went behind him and went, Phil, what are you doing? And I grabbed his sides. He got so fucking pissed. I scared the shit out. I scared him so much that he elbowed my sister. Did he drop his phone? No.

He held onto it. But I've never seen someone spazz this hard. Dude, Phil spazzed. I go, Phil, what are you doing? He's like, God damn, you fucking idiot. He fucking spazzed, dude. And then my mom was laughing. Me and my mom were laughing.

He was like, you two fucking idiots. And then I was like, what did you call mom? And he was like, I was talking to your sister. While angry, he had to deflect. He spazzed for a solid 10 minutes. He was furious, dude. Dude, honestly, Brittany's been scaring me lately. And it's been my same reaction.

Like, it's not fucking funny. It's so funny. I get so mad, dude. It's so funny to scare someone, and then they get mad, dude. Fuckers. Phil, I've never – yeah, he hasn't – and then I realized it was – I'm airing my family out pretty hard on this, but it was Monday, which is when he definitely never drinks. He doesn't drink on Mondays.

Really? So he's always so mean on Mondays. He's always so fucking angry. And then he'll be like, oh, it's Monday. You're not drinking. He's like, yeah, that's it, Shane. Sure. Yeah, it's because I'm not drinking, Shane.

Asshole. He's like, dude. Dude, actually, I came up with a pretty sick idea. Maybe this exists about betting. Grab this size. I'm not a fucker. Dude, that's such a. You fucking idiot.

It's not you. You're two fucking assholes. I'm referring to our daughter as a fucking idiot, not my wife. Dude, so, you know, anyone can take this if they want to just, you know, obviously, like, make a million dollars. A betting site, a betting app, where when you lose a portion of your losses, go towards a charity. That way you don't feel so bad when you lose money. Yeah, that's all you have to say. And then when you win, you get the option to do like a little like a checkout like you want to get like

two percent of the winnings not that bad of an idea million dollar idea i think it's a billion you should send that over to barstool they would they would they could use the positive pr and their new book they're in philly right now are they really yeah yeah like i said i'm a i'm more of like a i like to just transmit ideas out in the universe. Just say, hey, take someone who wants this. Go do it, bro. Go take it. Yeah. I'm up to my knees in projects, dude.

I can't start a humane bedding. Up to my knees. I'm up to my knees in projects. I can't start a fucking – So not very high. Pretty fucking high, dude. Up to my knees. If you were up to your knees in snow, would you say this is a little bit of snow?

True. I'll give you that, but that's the saying. Up to my neck. Yeah. I'm up to my knees dude you're just started though i'm being accurate if you were up to your knees in water would you be like help i'm drowning i'd be like this is a lot of water here i'm up to my knees in this water like a newscaster you know when they like fake how how flooded it is like sitting a boat and

somebody walks behind them yeah man i mean speaking of the weather dude it's funny the uh ah fuck definitely fuck dude i'm led us into a weather talk definitely the midst of a high pressure system here right now i got the uh i got a little thing i got a little doppler on my phone now it's pretty it's pretty accurate i mean it's like it's unbelievably accurate it's pretty i mean this is it's gonna be better than cliff notes of the economist radar it's like it's unbelievably accurate it's pretty i mean this is it's gonna be better than cliff notes of the economist radar it's like well now that's thank you shane you've led me straight into the weather portion of the show this is also exciting stuff we've got a low pressure system see i don't have any fucking swirls of color on here so i'm like you can't even read the

doppler dude it's it's clear skies dude let me see what uh i'm trying to think which one we oh there's some snow coming over there over columbus that's boy that's concerning i've been researching how you think there's snow in columbus i mean it's pretty it's to be expected like a landlocked air landlocked areas are typically low pressure high pressure systems are around the ocean where like you know i mean do you know what atmospheric pressure even is tell me about it tell me about it it's just it just, it's just, it's just water, dude. It's just the water, you know, getting, you know, evaporating back up. All the weather comes from the heat of the sun. First of all, wind comes from the heat of all that stuff. So it just water evaporates,

gets held in the, you know, it's held in the sky. But if you're near a body, didn't you have a theory about wind? What about it? You had a theory about wind. Did I know it? I can see the smile on your face. What was it? I don't know the theory. You remember your theory. Hold on. I wish I really.

You had one of the dumbest fucking theories on wind. Oh, I know what it is. Oh, yeah. It was from the earth spinning. It's from the earth spinning. Dude. I mean, partially true. Partially true.

Because the reason certain things move a certain way is because of the fact that the earth is spinning. Which I believe is why hurricanes make like a U shape. That's why, I mean, you know, the turning point of a storm. It because of the fact that the earth is spinning which i believe is why hurricanes make like a u-shape that's why i mean you know the turning point of a storm it eventually goes the other way that's that's from the earth rotating so i mean i'm kind of right which is crazy i spitballed that all right i'll take it back dude that's like fucking aristotle just going like this to the sky just one eye and being like pretty sure yeah yeah i'm pretty sure there's weather and everyone's like okay this is up i think there is damn but yeah dude i've been researching the weather very i need more of a report than just there could be snow in columbus i mean dude take a look at the

doppler i'm looking at the doppler that's the thing we're in this fucking hold let me see which uh trying to think which which radar do you want me to hit you want me want me to hit KCCX or KDIX? I can hit Central PA for you right now. Please. Oh, okay. We got some systems coming in here. Oh, some low pressure moving in due to the color of it. I think we're getting rain on Sunday.

Where's that on your Doppler? Right there, dude. That's at low pressure. See that green cloud moving in? That would be a low pressure front that's pushing. Now, I don't see it pushing against anything, really. There's some high pressure up to the north above you right there indicated in the blue by buffalo uh yeah that sometimes it depends the low pressure looks a little bit bigger so

cold air moves that looks like some late lake effect dude that's all that looks like to me yeah it's coming right off of a lake dude you're that's like yeah it's coming right off of it yeah you might damn it dude we're dead like effect we're deadlocked. You ever hear a lake effect? We're deadlocked. I heard of it. I got a research on it. You're going to look into some lake effects. We're deadlocked right now because people are like, I get messages.

People are like, nah, Shane's the weather guy. And it's like, dude, it's killing me, dude. Yeah, that just looks like some minor lake effect. Oh, dude. Now, dude, wait until you see what the lake effect is. I mean, I hope it doesn't get caught in like an occidental zone when the two fucking. Oh, I hate that. When the high pressure, low pressure aren't strong enough to like push each other and

it just they stagnate usually that's about five to seven days which should clear up over the week we should have some decent weather but the whole point of the economist thing was that the best like this is like the key information i'm like this is fucking this stuff is bullshit dude yeah well who the fuck reads the economist true fair point just what cheese dick especially our age is reading that true no one you want to talk to there is but the funny thing the cool thing is is there are like dude there was a thing about um like how hipsters are hitting the middle east now that was actually pretty that was in hipsters are doing what hipster there's hipsters the hipsters are spreading now oh oh you mean being a hipster i thought you meant hipsters from new york are

going to fuck in the middle east no no, no. Wait, what? No, no. Only if they work for Vice. True. No, there's a spreading phenomenon right now of people who go and get educated abroad and come back to like, I think it was even like in Sudan and like in Afghanistan. Well, they'll open like fancy coffee shops and there was dudes who were in like a... They do love coffee over there. Well, it's just funny to me that the Taliban's eventually going to encounter hipsters and be like,

what the fuck? Because there's dudes who are getting like their beards like neatly manicured out there and getting like cool tattoos. You're not allowed to get tattoos. You're not allowed to get tattoos. You're not allowed to get tattoos out there. So, dude, if we pull the troops out, Afghani hipsters are about to get fucked up, dude. They are going to get crushed.

They're just going to get crushed. They're just going to make an amendment to Sharia law to be like, also, you can't be cool. You can't be fucking cool. They're pushing, dude. That's probably in Sharia law. You can't be cool. That's moving. The thing of hipsterism is moving globally now.

Just being like, and they're saying there's like a certain, you give it like an unfinished or like a cool wood look, and that's like the universal sign of like yeah we care about stuff here yeah so yeah it's pretty funny that oh thinking of uh afghani hipsters makes me laugh so i mean think of hipsters in the suburbs makes me kind of chuckle you ever see there's like always lone hipsters out there but you think about someone taking out to afghanistan like, actually, dude, I kind of like that beginning of the Quran. Yeah, the early stuff in the Quran was pretty sad. Yeah. And then just, yeah.

The Quran actually never condemned slavery. Does the Bible condemn slavery? I was reading a thing today. I think... Not in The Economist. It was a different thing. I think in the New Testament it probably does, but... I think in the New Testament... Old Testament had some rules on slavery.

Did it? Yeah. How to handle business. I think the New Testament. Old Testament had some rules on slavery. Did it? Yeah. How to handle business. How to handle them? Yeah. Well, dude, I was reading about. How to be gangster. How to be fucking.

Yeah, that book I was reading about debt was talking about how they just use basically women. Women were the first form of currency. You would just get chicks and they're talking about you know talking about africa and how like like they were just like it wasn't even there were slaves but they're more so like this idea of pawns like you would have a pawn so like if somebody killed your brother you'd be like dude you'd have a couple options but at first but you could just be like all right dude you got to give me your sister we're never going to be even steven yeah But your sister is going to be my pawn now. So then like your sister would have kids.

Then all of her kids become your pawns. So they're not like – you don't like own them really. But like you can – they're people you get to trade in the event of like if you – if like something – if you do something fucked up, if you have a bunch of pawns. Yeah, if you get a DUI, you can be like, yo, here's my nephew. Yeah, if you're drunk and you just like cut some dude's head off on accident, then you can just be like yo my bad but the problem is if you cut a dude's head off then the brother could so with the sister you give him he can then turn her into a ghost wife or he'll cream pie the

sister you give him and then she'll bear a kid and you'll just everyone tells the kid in the village is like oh yeah your dad's a ghost and he was the one who cream pied your mom but and you kind of have to go avenge his death and find the guy who gave your mom basically and kill her brother it's pretty sick but they could get into uh do they get into that they get into village wives which just might be the funniest fucking thing in the world so like all you talked about this i don't i didn't get into detail about it they talked about the uh how tell me about the village wife i told you about village wives all All right. So they would have like... So the elders...

So basically, when you came up, when you were a young kid in these villages, I think it was like Calabar around that area. I think Nigeria. My geography is getting off the hook. Calabar? Yeah, Calabar. I don't know if I've even heard of Calabar.

It's a port city. It's west coast of Africa. Dude, I'm not trying to step on geography. You can't. You can't. You can't. But they're talking about how instead of money the whole point of the book is like you know like how did how did the concept of money originate and what this one society what they did you had to give people cloths or copper bars so like when you came up you would you just have these cloths people could use and turn into clothes but if like say you needed something from someone who was older you'd have to there's these little like rituals you'd constantly be

giving the older people cloths and that was like so it was like a imagine your communion money yeah but you got communion you had to pay all the old people you knew so what happens is eventually all the old people have all the shit if you have stuff then you can get wives so like all the dudes were fucking incels basically because like your dad would have like nine wives if you like coveted them it was like a bet you weren't allowed to do that but you so what happened is they would have these old dudes they'd all have like five wives and then dudes would have nothing because the whole society was built around giving your elders like all of your shit basically so like the dudes are planned seductions if you're a dude you'll walk around just tell stories about how you're gonna like fuck your uncle's wife.

Nice. That hasn't left us at all. You'd have to tell your... They'd go around and basically verbalize pornhubs. They'd be like, yo. She's going to get stuck in the mud down by the river. But then if you got caught seducing, you would have to then pay more cloths and then like you might have to fork a pawn like it's so funny but the whole thing culminates in like

uh they call this a human economy where people are more or less of the currency and then they say like you know commercial economies like uh like europeans came down with like so many fucking cloths so many copper bars they're like you guys want some of this shit they're like all right you can sell it but you got to give us like some of your pawns some of your children and we'll hold them as collateral and then you can go sell it and they would get people deep into debt and be like go get us some fucking slaves and they'd be like fuck like otherwise you're fucked we're gonna take you and your whole family yeah they started kind of doing that all through the thing and you know i'm listening to this being like oh african people sold slaves oh my god oh my god i can't believe he's talking about this oh

my god oh my god white people aren't that bad and then uh the next chapter is literally how like ireland was all just a purely slave economy because they said the irish were slaves that was women were it was cattle and women in medieval ireland that were the forms of currency you were just you'd have to get sisters dude you're like dude i have so many sisters you don't get rich you just trade them away and sell them it was a three cattle were worth i think a woman or so i know i think three women are worth one cash something crazy dude but yeah that was making me laugh i was on my high horse like well wasn't all white people doing it and then i was just like oh fuck yeah ireland had fucking yeah it turns out everybody was bad historically yeah ireland had watch out but the the analogy they said it'd be like if like

aliens came and we're just like yo we'll give you a million bucks just go grab me someone it's like would you deny it would you not do it it's like aliens with weapons you couldn't even fathom just hit you with like yo you want a million bucks right now yeah go grab that dude so people are like it's like pretty compelling but yeah it was now? Yeah. Go grab that, dude. So people were like, oh, there you go. It's like pretty compelling. But yeah, it was, dude, that shit was pumping me up, dude. The idea of Ghost Wives, the village. Oh, then the whole thing was, so they had these,

so these young dudes were just planning seductions, dude. They're just pickup artists, dude. They're out there trying to just. What type of seduction? Did they give you any examples, or what did you have in mind? Or like, what would you do? I don't know. How would you seduce your aunt?

I think you'd have to like hoard some cloths, first of all. Tell you how you could seduce mine. How? Booze. Oh, yeah. Oh, well, that was a pretty easy one. I'm sure you could definitely apply it to something. But the thing, I think you'd have to get like delicacies.

You have to go catch like a rare animal and be like, do you have to try that? Check this out. And spring the trap. Yeah. I mean, kidnappings are pretty common. That catch like a rare animal and be like do you ever try that check this out but they also so spring the trap yeah i mean kidnappings were pretty common that was like a big thing like if you couldn't seduce your aunt then you were you could you could go kidnap like a woman from like a rival village um so like the young dudes would go to like the the head dude and be like on like a compound and be like yo we're dying we need some pussy and they're like yeah go fucking raid a village bitch go steal someone's daughter and they'd be like all right so they would petition like all right

you got it go ahead and do this and then they would go or they would raid a village and steal somebody or like if somebody left somebody was getting as a pawn getting thrown into a marriage they didn't want to do they could run from their village and claim asylum and then they're a village wife that's what i was talking about yes so the young dudes so basically the young dudes if they like pleaded enough they could all go in and split a wife. So they could build a crash pad, go steal a lady from a village and be like, you're the village wife. And they were just all just like 14 dudes just be fucking like boning this chick. And then they would go.

They would go out during the day and be like, man, I love our wife so much. They would all go try to like hunter the coolest stuff and they'd all compete for like the you know eventually it was like the bachelor it literally was the bachelor dude yeah it was a bachelorette pardon me yeah so they would go out and be like oh i love you so much here's this thing and dude it was really funny man i think about just you and all your boys with a crash pad in one life we love her dude our wife is so i mean that would turn into murder She's the best. We love her, dude.

Our wife is so cute. I mean, that would turn into murder. Hence the need for pawns. So then, yeah, say you, like, you know, they were basically saying the one anthropologist was, like, telling them how, like, they... Think about, like, dudes pussy bragging. Oh, dude. Like, yo, I fucked our wife so good last night.

Like, all right, man, take it easy. It was just four dudes in the woods being like, she loves me more than you. And they'd be like, she loves me the most. Damn. But, yeah, man, dude, that was making me. Just having the village wife. And then I think the kids were then the responsibility of the entire village and, you know, blah, blah, blah.

So, but, yeah, dude, pawn ship rules. We got to get back into a pawn setup. It's not slavery. It's just like you get pawns, dude. You get pawns. What do you think we could get for Noah? As a pawn? Yeah.

Dudes don't really fetch a high value. Noah, you got any sisters? I have a younger sister. There we go. How old? We're just asking for economic. Just for economic purposes. Just for human economy purposes.

What's your Instagram? Don't say her Instagram. Don't, yeah human economy what's your instagram don't say it don't yeah please don't please don't yeah like i said yeah sister good um but yeah dudes dudes aren't bad it all depends the other thing too is you can get a bunch of dudes and if you want like a sick entourage that's the other thing too you get a bunch of pawns or you get slaves and you wouldn't make them work or anything but yo we're going to the i'm going to the market today you guys gotta pump me up, dude. It's not bad.

It was pretty tight. Just get hype, man. Get hype, man, dude. You would just get an entourage of dudes who would be like, come on, man, it's time for the market. Get hype on me, dude. Like, I kind of miss my family. Shut up, dude.

Come on. Come on. But, yeah, dude, that shit was making me laugh so fucking hard. This is something that I experienced. I watched Children of Men. That movie? Yeah. But in that movie there's a scene

where a bomb goes off and he's got a ring in his ears and the lady's like that noise you're hearing is a frequency that your ears

will never be able to produce again. Whenever you have a ring in your ear that's what that is. And I remember one time in a car a dude told me that. I was like yeah my fucking ear's ringing. He's like yeah do you's what that is and i remember one time in a car a dude told me that

i was like yeah my fucking ears ringing he's like yeah that you know what that is and he just regurgitated a line from children of men you ever hear somebody give you a fact from a movie and then you see the movie later and you're like oh that's where he fucking no i've been believing this i think so yeah like in the movie contagion they're like the average person touches their face once every fucking 20 seconds i've heard people repeat that is it true there's just i don't know i don't know but there's just certain like wes was the one by the way lamar who told me that we were in the car and he said that and i was like damn that's a fucking interesting fact and then you know a decade later i'm watching a movie

at two in the morning like that fucking idiot i believe i believed this so wait the thing in the movie was from a flashbang yeah it was just a grenade went off and he had a ringing in his ear yeah and the lady was like that ringing is the last time you'll ever hear that frequency that's your eardrum and i would just we were just driving i was like damn i fucking i can hear it there's like a ringing in my ear yeah yeah that's yeah of course you'll hear that again what the fuck i don't know what even what was going on there but i believed it true he said it was some conviction he's like you'll never hear that exact he's like that's just a certain frequency that your ear won't be able to pick up again because of that buzz now i don't know if that's true or not but i know that he got the exact line from

children of men whether or not children of men is telling the truth i'm not sure i mean the flashbang makes sense because it's so fucking loud that it probably damages your hearing a little bit so you'll probably never be able to hear that again. So is that like the sound leaving your ear to never return? I'm not sure. I don't know the science of it because I think it's wrong. I mean, I've definitely done that before where I've taken stuff from movies and just been like, let's roll. Yeah, this is true.

Let's go. Yeah. A hundred percent. But it's always funny when you finally see the movie years later and you're like, ah. Son of a bitch. I believe that. Like, there's certain things will tell me. People will say something or say, like, it'll just stay with me forever.

Like, certain things will just always. Yeah. Like, I'll be doing something and every time I do something, I'll think of the same thing. It's crazy. Really? Like, almost like a deja vu or like. Not deja vu. Just like an OCD type.

Like, every single time I play FIFA, I think of the first time my friend saw me playing FIFA and what he said. Every single time I played. What did he say? He was like, oh, the point of it is stupid. It makes no sense. There's no reason to remember this. But he was like, oh, the point of this is to drag the other team's defense out and then pass behind them. That's all he said. And now every single time I play FIFA, I think of where I was and when he said that. Pretty crazy. How long do you think about it for? One second. Then I'm like, why the fuck am I still thinking about the same goddamn pointless quote? That sounds torturous.

There's a lot of those. I have a lot of those. Just things that pop up constantly? Yeah. Hmm. That's interesting. Yeah. I don't know.

Who knows? What you're describing, I have moments like that. I can't put them into words, but I'll just be doing a thing and I'll have a thought that's just so stupid and pointless that i'll just go like yeah yeah yeah fuck yeah i kind of know you're talking to me has that tommy every time he puts his pants on he thinks of you and me making fun of anybody that would roll the bottom of their

jeans literally every time every time he gets ready in the morning he's like he'll say it to me if i'm there he'll repeat what we said he's like can you imagine being the type of guy that would roll the bottom of his fucking jeans and every time i'm like i'm sorry does he roll he wants to roll yeah he has the bottom of his jeans rolled so he every time he puts those pants on he says that because of he heard us making fun of that what do we make fun i don't even remember that's what i say i'm like i don't know if that was us he's like it fun of that what do we make fun i don't even remember that's what i say i'm like i don't know if that was us he's like it was you i'm pretty sure it was you and then he and now also whenever he puts cologne on he does the same thing i mean dude well like

who the fuck puts cologne on and then one time you know i'm sitting there playing fifa thinking about my dumb friends quote and then tommy's putting cologne on thinking of my dumb quote right behind me he's like can you imagine putting fucking cologne on? And I'm like, I'm sorry, dude. I didn't mean it. Yeah, I went hard on cigarette smokers recently. I was like, make me a point. Cigarette smoking rules.

I was talking about how they're most likely, if you have a company full of people and you're trying to figure out who complains the most, just look for people with cigarettes on them. At a job, cigarette smokers are the biggest complainers. Always. Always fucking every single time, every single company every every place i've ever been at they go outside and they're like every fucking five minutes every cigarette is a complaint cigarette it's like dude just ate lunch like four minutes ago man yeah i felt bad i came down hard on cigarette smokers but i was that office job the job I had, the office job back home I had in Harrisburg, worked for the state. And every state worker – first off, this lady was on my dick, dude.

She would watch the clock when I would come in late. I'd be like five minutes late. That's miserable. Because I came in with my sister who was higher up than her. Yeah. So my sister didn't – it didn't matter when she got there. And I never said anything to my sister about, hey, I'm late. I'm i'm getting in trouble i was just like i don't give a fuck at all yeah and anyway this lady but then these dudes this one they would just take cigarette breaks every

every hour they would leave for 10 minutes yeah i'd be like what about them they're like they're allowed to do that i'm with you on the cigarette smoking yeah i needed to get a dip break you know nobody gives you a dip you can do that they don't dude they get mad if you even say it we go outside and just a little bit like yo let me go dip i need a spittoon but that is what a crap is a work crap oh crab a crap at work with the dip in dude that's a good 45 minute crap oh i think surfing the web i thought you're talking about crabs what about crab i thought you called me King Crab. I was like, dude, I ain't a motherfucking crab. You're a fucking crab-looking motherfucker.

You're the definition of a crab. Come on, dude. You Jeezy? Dude, come on. I'm more Gucci, for real. You think you're more Gucci, man? I'm definitely more Gucci. I didn't see Jeezy's performance at all.

You would have liked it. You strike me as more of a fan of Jeezy. More of a Mr. 17-5? What? That's what Jeezy calls himself. Mr. 17-5? What? That's what Jeezy calls himself. Mr. 17-5? Yeah. I didn't know.

It's kind of a humble brag about how cheap he gets kilos of cocaine. Oh, see. 17-5. He's a snowman, dude. You don't know anything about pushing that weight. He's up to his knees in the bricks, dude. Probably. He's probably below his ankles at this point.

Well, it's just funny, too, how two hardened, self-proclaimed super gangsters had to kind of pledge allegiance to a governor before they left. Yeah, before they left. Oh, that was great. Oh, yes, ma'am. We're talking verses. Yeah, talking about the battle, dude. Talking about the battle everybody saw, especially the whites.

Yeah, what a- Whites were all about it on Twitter. Were they really? I saw several whites posting like, yo, Jeezy. Shut the fuck up, dude. Oh, Jesus Christ. Did you see Gary Owens? I think somebody posted on the Reddit.

Gary Owens was like, yo, I'm going to need some Hennessy and a black and mild to watch this versus. It was like, whoa, dude. Dude. What are you doing? Yeah, that's fucking aggressive, dude. That's a strong one. Yeah. Also, too, imagine convincing yourself.

Like, I'll be honest. No white people really like Hennessy. If you do, you're pretending. Stuff's disgusting. You ever have it? No, I don't really, no. I'm sure I've had it. I'm saying that because I try to, like, like it because it looked cool.

I was in high school. I was like, oh, cool, I have Hennessy. I would drink it and be like, oh, my God, I'm going to throw the fuck up. I remember hypnotic. Hypnotic's actually not bad. Hypnotic's just sugar, right? Sweet, yeah. Hennessy's disgusting, dude.

It's fucking... I wouldn't say something like this. It's disgusting. It's disgusting. What do you think I got in this in my plastic cup? You have H-Rock in your cup. I'm going to need a fucking blackmailer

to watch this young Jeezy. I'm Gary Owen. Yo, did I tell you my idea for my special? No. Got a sick idea for a special. What you got? Don't disrespect me. That's hypnotic, dude.

Would you combine it with an Incredible Hulk? So, if I film a special it's gonna have to be me obviously nobody no networks can be like like netflix isn't gonna be like let's take a chance you like you could come out in favor of complicated corporate contracts and maybe snag the favor true i don't know guys i think it's pretty fair yeah true uh but i was thinking about producing now this is just an idea should I just produce an all black special like the whole audience is black

and I film it like and even you? no not blackface but here was the idea wear the Bernie Mac suit with my face airbrushed

but maybe airbrush a blackface airbrush my own face blackfaced on my shirt but no but like you know special would be incredible but then like here's how i want to open it like be you know the the beginning of the special should be classic like yo everybody fucking doubted me nobody thought i could do something this special come out and bomb but also more importantly be like yo it goes down at the barber shop like that's how that's how my yeah but then just go to my the the super cuts at the walmart mechanicsburg like sit there and like try to strike up conversation with like just some lady

like yo you see fucking lebron's hairline just some lady like excuse me sir nothing be like yo it goes down at the barbershop. Oh, dude. The first fucking 15 minutes is you in the waiting room just reading like Esquire. Trying to talk to people sitting there. Be like, yo, you see this bullshit? Just some guy like...

Like Muhammad Ali versus Joe Frazier. Yeah, who you got, dude? Shut up. Shut up. What was the most historic boxing match you have ever seen? Yeah. Be like, excuse me, sir? It's a good special.

That'd be awesome. And then go out. There's some ideas I can't. I don't know if the public's ready for them. I mean, if you dress up in the Bernie Mac clothes, that'd be aggressive. If you wore, like, jeans with a picture of Africa on them. It's so funny. It'd almost be, like, first off, everybody would know.

It would be called very racist. For sure. People wouldn't understand the literal art that I was creating. Because that would be art. If I got out there and did, like, Y'all have a big motherfucking pussy! To people that were, and then, like, have the camera on the crowd of them being visually, like, The problem is, you might crush. crush if i crushed it would be the

if you had a black and mild and some h-rock if i got a bag you might get in your bag that's a problem you gotta watch out because if you get in your bag and crush then if i get my bag and crush in a pair of jeans with africa on them and my face airbrushed. I'd be the goat. You would just become Andrew. You'd be trapped in the bit. You'd be Andrew Dice Clay. I'd be Andrew Dice Clay. You'd be Randy. You think Gary's trapped in the bit?

Big time, dude. You think Gary Owen's trapped in the bit? He's like, yo, I'm going to be a fucking wigger for real. Just trapped in it forever. He is, dude. Damn. That's tough. A hundred percent.

Damn, Gary. You might get trapped in the bit. That's tough. 100%. Gary. You might get trapped in the bit. I never thought about Gary getting trapped. You'd be 75 and be like, oh, man, come on. You'd be like Andrew Dice Clay, dude. I just trapped in the bit of a Bernie Mac. A white guy doing a Bernie Mac act. That was the rule, though.

I mean, reach out. You have mentors. Have a big dude take me under your wing. Gary? Yeah. Have him be your mentor, dude. Mentor, mentee, relationship.

That'd be beautiful, dude. He might be able to spin your, he might be able to do a PR spin. Come on, y'all. Come on, y'all. It's a good idea

for a special. For sure. It'd be, it'd be a, so you could film it yourself i would produce it my i'd film i'd produce it myself how long what would you feel that's the question what would you feel the whole well it depends how badly it goes which i would you can surmise pretty it would go very poorly if i was over the top like i know it's like when i was eating pussy the girl

was on that time of the month i still be going down on that shit, you know. And then be like, what else do I have here? Just look at my notes like, what else do I want to talk about? Yeah, that would be something that would go over people's heads to the point where they'd be like, this is, why is he doing this? This is just racist. This is horrible. Now, a close associate of mine had a good idea for the end of the show. I won't divulge his name because I don't know if the public's ready

for this type of joking. Sure. But then to take out a dummy, a ventriloquist dummy, and have it say the end of the show. But that ended. Like, don't say it. Like, cut it. Mic drop. Cut to credits immediately.

Before you even do it? Right when it's about to say it. Cut straight to credits. It you even do it right when it's about to say it cut straight to credits it's a good special that would be fucking wild a half hour of that you should just go all dummy then you should just go all dummy

the whole time and do all your stuff just be like alright y'all not feeling that I got something for your ass break out of the dummy and just have it start talking shit. Dude, that would be – if you went – I don't know. I don't know. I don't want to – for some reason, I know it's not insulting.

I know I'm not trying to be insulting towards black people. But, boy, that thing comes out pretty rough. Dude, if you went to an all-black room – God damn, it's funny. It would be very funny to do – there's very funny things about, boy, that thing comes out pretty rough. Dude, if you went to an all-black room, like... God damn, it's funny. It would be very funny to do... There's very funny things about, like, strictly black comedy that are really funny to make fun, for sure. Yes. Yeah.

Can't do it. Coming out out of the gay swing and be like, and now, coming from a horrible debacle... Like, what's up, motherfucker? Yeah. Might not stick. Yeah. Man. What a fucking...

Could it be funny? What an insane movie. I know. It'd just be the funniest thing possible. Yeah. I don't know. It would be pretty funny. You got to pay your homage.

The reason Gary Owens can do it is because he pays respect to the culture. You don't have to go pay your homage. I watched... Kevin Hart has a new special. And it's crazy. How is it? It's just crazy. Just like him walking.

It's in his own living room. It's cool. It's a cool idea. And obviously, I think Kevin Hart's great at stand-up. The last couple, he's too famous, so some of it kind of sucks. And he doesn't have anybody around him to be like, yo, that's fucking corny. Don't do that.

But him walking down his hallway, and there's like pictures of comedians he's like the great i got like inspiration oh it's like dude don't do that i wish i i wish i can get into that man i wish i could like give a fuck about stuff in general yeah like man i'm surrounded by but you know again it's like it's kind of what breeds being like a multi-million dollar stuff and sitting in meetings. I'm in the meetings now. It's part of the journey. That's why I don't do it, to be honest. True.

Oh, I daydream about it. Everybody has that in them. I wish I could do that. I wish I could walk at the beginning of my special, point to a picture of Louie, be like, the fucking gods bless us. True. Not ironically. Dude, 100%. the beginning of my special point to like a picture of louis be like the fucking gods bless us true like not ironically like dude 100 no picture of fucking norm mcdonald like inspiration the kings that isn't that isn't all that isn't all of us you're right about that 100 it's why rap's popular it's like every single person listens to rap like yeah i'm the fucking man yeah it does it plugs you

into the hero's journey dude it's it's like like the whole thing is when you listen to it, you're like, yeah, dude, I'm grinding too. I'm going to be great one day. It's like, what do I have to do? It's like, just murder all of your enemies. And you're like, all right. Sell dope to pregnant women. All right, fine, I will. And then all you have to do is be remorseful later.

Exactly. That's Catholicism. Yeah, exactly. And rap. True. True, true. Heard that. Be bad and then just you know say sorry yeah be like just eventually when you're 40 just wear glasses and you know start a podcast ti

ti's been quiet dude what's he been up to i don't know i got pissed when he went at the cannon i was like yo whoa whoa he talks shit on the cannon set dude yeah he started talking about the cannon i was like yo whoa why what do you, whoa. He talked shit on the cannon. He came at the set, dude. Yeah, he started talking about the cannon. I was like, yo, whoa. Why? What did he say about cannon? You know, I don't know. He was just like talking shit to Nick Cannon or something. He attacked somebody. He started, you know, he started bull. He's just, I got beef with T.I., dude.

Yeah. Big time beef. He doesn't want to see me on the fucking, on the throne, dude. T.I. would fuck you up. I would crush him, dude. T.I. would beat your ass. No, we wouldn't. If we both got to wear trench coats and go to the sit in King's Chair. In versus? In versus. That's what I'm talking about. Oh, you versus T.I. First of all, I'd beat the fuck dude. T.I. would beat your ass. No, we wouldn't. If we both got to wear trench coats and go to the sit in King's Chair.

In versus? In versus. That's what I'm talking about. Oh, you versus T.I. First of all, I'd beat the fuck out of T.I. He weighs 120 pounds. T.I. would fuck you up. You think T.I. would beat me up?

He weighs like 110 pounds. You ever see him? Matt, T.I. would tune you up, dude. What? He's tiny, dude. He's got that thang on him. Dude, the government took all the thangs. The government couldn't take all of T.I.'s thangs. Dude, he got caught with like 20 guns and didn't go to jail. He got caught with all the thangs. The government couldn't take all

of T.I.'s thangs. Dude, he got caught with like 20 guns and didn't go to jail. He got caught with 20 different thangs. And didn't go to jail, dude. How?

How, dude? Yeah, baby. Man, the man was snitching, bro. You think T.I.'s a snitch? Yes, dude. Yo, I wouldn't put that on,

don't put that on people's names. Snitch ass, dude, snitch ass, dude. Whoa, dude. We almost had to put credits in there. How do you get caught, what. How do you get caught?

What? No. How do you get caught with fucking 20 guns and not do any jail time? He made a song with Justin Timberlake. What do you mean? Let me ask. Say that dumb thing you just said into the mic. He made a song with Justin Timberlake.

That's how he got out of jail. That's how he didn't go to jail. Anytime a black guy is about to go to jail, they make a song and they don't go to jail. Give me another example. R. Kelly before the he didn't go to jail. Anytime a black guy is about to go to jail, they make a song and they don't go to jail. Give me another example. R. Kelly before the first time. Okay, okay. The first time when... Bill Cosby.

Bill Cosby. Yeah, yeah. He made a special. Netflix has it in the vault. They didn't put it in. What about Shine? True. He didn't make enough money.

Wow. I'm sorry. Cut it. Embarrassing. Noah, scrub that out. God, the show's fucking derailed. It's over. Might as well. Cut it. Embarrassing. Noah, scrub that out. God, this show is fucking derailed. It's over. Might as well just end it.

Might as well just stop forever. Where are we at? Where are we at time-wise? An hour. One hour? So, but yeah, no, that's... Oh, I'm doing Kansas City. Are you really?

Yeah. I am going to do that show. Thought you weren't. Risky show. Why is it risky? It's the day after Thanksgiving. It's the day after Thanksgiving. It's the weekend after Thanksgiving. It's just a room full of people that we're just in rooms full of people.

Perfect storm. And after the show, I'm going to do a meet and greet where everyone just spits straight in my fucking mouth. Fuck yeah, dude. Everybody in there. Dude, you did that. I'm going to get on my knees and just let everybody spit in my fucking mouth on the way out.

That'd be legendary. Just have everyone walk by and just lash you yes i might start we should we should start getting into like what's that called um in religion i forget what it's not like asceticism it's like self-punishment where you just whip your back yeah we should end shows with letting people just like uh dom us yeah just pick people up out of the crowd just come on stage just fucking at the end instead of a merch table i'll just be fucking i'll have a leather mask i'll be strapped people can just fucking flog yeah that'll be good scratch my body you'll have time like while i'm on you'll have time to get set up get set up get flayed like put your body yep like you're about to be pink tied i was like oh i like that thing dudetied over the thing, dude. Hog-tied over the thing.

And just have, yeah, people and guests can just come by and slap your belly. Yeah, slap me. Smack you. Pinch my fucking viscera. Pinch your fucking sides. Dude, we didn't get to talk

about fucking NXIVM, too. I watched the documentary. Well, let's talk about NXIVM on the page, bro. Let's jump on the page, dude. Yeah, because I got some Reagan talk, too. Yes, Vanguard.

Yes, Vanguard. Reagan, NXIVM, that's the type of stuff we're going to talk about. Also, I shouldn't have even told you guys my idea for my special. You think so?

Probably not. Get some feedback. You're a pitcher. Probably get some negative feedback on that. Yeah, I am going to do the Kansas City show. So Friday, Saturday, Sunday.

Come get COVID with us, y'all. I think it's a bad idea, but I agreed to do it. So probably going to do it. probably gonna do it and you won't you won't get covered don't worry yeah you probably i mean did you do spud put me onto these videos are so funny do the people who have tested positive for covid and then do youtube videos about like how embarrassed and sorry they are it's the funniest what how they say sorry that i told people it wasn't real or something no no not even that these are people who have been like

wearing like 10 masks like and and not hanging out with anybody. And then they test positive and go on YouTube. And they're like, why? I was so careful. I'm so ashamed. I don't know if people are still going to want to hang out with me. He was saying it's embarrassing and people look at you like you were a Trump-tard going around. So if you're a super-lib and you get COVID, it's like a hard fucking...

Yeah, it's like being liberal and being racist. It like wait that means i like trump what yeah i can't be i'm liberal no they get coveted yeah they get especially when they're out celebrating bro they get jacked up well yeah well come on man you know that hold on dude please come on man dude joe biden there was a cnn thing i just read uh this they had this nurse on from North Dakota or something. She was going on and talking about how everybody that's dying is furious because they still think COVID's not real. And she got debunked. They were like, what the fuck are you talking about?

She came out and said. She came out and basically called all of the people dying of COVID retards. She's like, yeah, they're all conspiracy theorists, fucking Trump idiots. She was on CNN, like, talking about this. Yeah. People are like, what the fuck are you doing? Even if you felt that way, don't say it on the news, you weirdo. Yeah, man.

Don't go on the news and be like, I think they should be FaceTiming their relatives instead of trying to debunk COVID while they're dying. Yeah. Let them die, you weirdo. Don't criticize them. Yeah, it's pretty fucking. I don't know. Having a nurse that's like overtly political

must be miserable dude nurses I would imagine god forbid you're wearing any sort of red she comes in you're like fucking idiot

you asked for this and you're like fucking senile dude what are you talking about yeah I bet there were a lot of conservative nurses during AIDS

that hit them with the same level of like oh you think so well you should have been fucking gay. Oh, did you fuck a man? Okay. Yeah, I bet there's the same. I bet you've had to deal with snippy nurses

for a long time. Yeah, I'm excited to, you know, take nurses down a notch. They're like now Navy SEALs all of a sudden. I think they had to take a bit of a backseat when Black Lives Matter took over. Oh, yeah.

Because it looked like it was going to be a hot summer for nurses. Yeah. And then they had to be like, everybody stopped clapping for us. They were getting, every day, 7 p.m., people were clapping for them in New York. Were they really? Yeah, like banging pots and shit.

It's crazy. And then more pressing issues took place. True. True that. People started caring about lives instead of the economy. Instead of nursing. Yeah, man. I mean, dude, that's my question I want to answer, dude.

People are going to brave the COVID to save the third world, dude. Oh, to get food? To not disrupt the global supply chains again is that true i don't know makes sense apparently everyone's i've read stuff that they're about to get like the top stuff that comes out for government is like the third world is getting bodied they're like yeah they're they're like they're fucked dude yeah these people just just finally had like the smallest amount of stuff. And everyone's like, oh, oh, oh, sorry.

Not yet, not yet. 10 years. 10 years, guys. Come on. Yeah. They can't get Pop-Tarts. They're not ready for Pop-Tarts. No.

I think they were hitting powdered milk. They weren't even near pop. They were like, this is pretty tight. Yeah. Like, actually, guys. Why don't you pump the brakes? No 1 a.m. tricks for you. Not anytime for you not anytime soon sorry third world tricks are for kids damn dude think about that all right let's go to the patreon yeah