Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 327-Hetero Male Adoption

Episode Date: December 9, 2020

Shane Lesner out here going winning the Gold Medal with a broken neck aka migraine. That's heart. That's dedication. That's playing for keeps.  SMGDMFH You guys just don't get it, do you? Topix include: Shane's graine, Shane thinking he has covid, but is really just hungover, McCusker=autism, free peasantries, coins and war, greek rites of initiation, Gettysburg voice, and so much more Support the Dawgz @ @patreon.com/MSsecretpod Go to a show@ shanemgillis.com/live

and we're live dude our audio sounds take off my stunner shades shane i mean dude a fantastic display of valor and courage with a migraine with a migraine coming through or covid 19 no way no we're not sure no way no shape no how true you're right i have been taking garlic there's no garlic you've been taking vitamin D? Yeah. I've been doing about 40 minutes of cardio a week. Dude. Combined.

I do a minute of cardio for every alcoholic beverage I have a week. Perfect. That's how you stay fit. It's called equilibrium. It's called staying humble. It's called homeostasis. It's called being great. For sure, dude. I mean, you're definitely 40 minutes. It's called equilibrium. It's called staying humble. It's called homeostasis. It's called being great. For sure, dude.

I mean, you're definitely 40 minutes of cardio. You're probably triggering autophagy all throughout your whole body, cellular death and fucking coming back, bringing in the new. Exactly. You might be in too good of shape is why you got the migraine. That could be what's going on here. You might be going through overtraining. My diet might be too strict and disciplined.

Classic signs of overtraining, dude. That's what you have right now. Don't look at my fucking hair. What are you talking about? What the hell? What would I say about your hair? I saw you staring, scoping me out. Dude, somebody fucked with our chairs.

I'm telling you something. We're like the bears. Goldilocks was in here. Somebody was fucking with our stuff. Yeah, somebody came in and fixed this goddamn audio. Pisses me off. Golly. Somebody fixed this goddamn audio.

Shut up, LeMary. You're too loud. You're ruining the show. We got two interns back there with some real dude. How do you feel? LeMary's turning a new leaf, man. LeMary's climbing the rankings. Came straight up here. Got the audio all set up. Sounds great. He seems not that high. How high you feel? LaMare's turning a new leaf, man. LaMare's climbing the rankings. Came straight up here.

Got the audio all set up. Sounds great. He seems not that high. How high are you? He's got that stanky. He's very high. He's very high. Well, one step at a time.

He's high as fuck. Conquer punctuality. That's probably why he ran straight up to this room. Probably couldn't face anybody. For sure. I just want to be alone. Good God. Yeah, dude. I just want to be alone. Good God. Yeah, dude.

I think they're both MKUltra, dude. On that Gary Payton. We got that Gary Payton. We got the brat over here. The brat-a-tat-tat, y'all. Losing our other intern to – well, Lemaire's not an intern, but Noah, dude. I think we're losing him to restaurant culture. Slowly but surely, dude.

Yes. This is actually an intervention for you, Noah. Noah, don't. Last week was a big wake-up call. Anthony Bourdain sucked. We see what your priorities are with material gain and actually getting paid for your job, which we see as an absolute red flag.

You're a capitalist pig. You know? I can't believe you left this to actually get paid, dude. Fucking scum. Your priorities are all fucked up, dude. Son of a cannon, dude. Put a sock in it. Golly.

Yeah, dude. That was in the full grips of restaurant coolness, dude. Restaurant coolness is you're not Bourdain, dude. None of you are Bourdain. I definitely am Bourdain. You got a little cat. You got to get some forearm tattoos. Hops in the car.

It smells like a whole fucking golf cart full of 40-year-old dudes. I'm like, dude, are you drinking, bro? He's like, I had a beer. I'm like, you had a fucking beer? You had a beer when? Fucking cat. He's Bourdain, dude. You probably had a beer in a small little glass with lunch.

People work at a restaurant for two months and think they're European all all of a sudden yeah that did bother the fuck out of me it's like what what the fuck are you doing i can't stand when people even like at dinner like yeah i'll have a beer yeah it's like no dude eat your meal we'll black out after fucking drink a nice craft beer yeah he got in stinking like a goddamn sailor dude i said what the hell wasn't a craft beer. Yeah, you got in stinking like a goddamn sailor, dude. I said, what the hell? It wasn't a craft beer. You're Bourdained up. You came in and just

swished a course of light. I am Bourdained. It was an MGD. You're Bourdained up, dude. You just, you came in and just crushed an MGD. Yeah. Restaurant's going to your head, dude.

I'm laughing. Oh, man. Damn, you should be the Bourdain of dishwashers. Just be like an edgy dishwasher. Just go from restaurant to restaurant. Be like, man, what a setup. Oh, let's just hit the thing.

Oh, wow. Life's about the connections you make with people. It's not about how good the dishes are. It's just about meeting new people. Fuck. That sucks, dude. My head hurts so bad. I have it. not about how good the dishes are it's just about meeting new people fuck this sucks dude my head hurts so bad i have it we got the runes you know i got the runes if i get the runes i'm crushed bro that'll fall i would say garlic is not gonna stand up well you don't think so probably they're gonna be like there's so much garlic in them what's going on here i don't think it's corona man i

think you're i think we're under the scare i was listening to uh dude i swear to god they're psyoping black people about coronavirus so hard on the radio i listened to a commercial for it and it was like first of all this they acted like it was like some like interruption from the government it was just a paid commercial it was like it was like it was like aggressive matrix techno and was like, this just in from the CDC. The vaccine is safe. And also, the first person to take it was an 80-year-old lady from England. And she's fine.

90. Yeah. 90-year-old lady from England. And she's fine. That was kind of a risk by them to be like. Dude, it's a fucking PR move. Because she could definitely die regardless. It's a PR move.

I mean, definitely a PR move. But. They set that up. Being like, that's a risk. She could definitely die regardless. It's a PR move. I mean, definitely a PR move, but... They set that up. Being like, that's a risk. She could die anyway. They probably gave her salt water, dude. That could kill her. True, true, true.

Really? Yeah, they're like a first one to get as a 90-year-old lady. Also, here's some COVID stats. Nine billion people died this week. Like, all right. Also, California's doing contract tracing. Totally cool. I probably have it right now. Also, California's doing contract tracing. Totally cool. Bro, I probably have it right now.

You think? So don't talk shit on Corona. Leave COVID out of this. You have a migraine. Because you were out last night. Don't you dare put that on me. What? I was out strengthening the brand.

You were. You were strengthening the brand. I was out expanding our empire. All great generals, dude. You were nipping your flask. True. I have a bit of Ulysses. I'm a little U.S. Grant.

You were out in the plains, dude. The bottle. I get hit with the bottle. I get the melancholy sinks in. I take to the bottle. When I'm out, I miss my old friends. True. I miss my girl.

They're all dead. She's back home. I turn to the bottle, and then I text her. True. I miss my girl. They're all dead. I'm just back home. I turn to the bottle, and then I text her, and she says, leave me alone. And then I hit the bottle, dude. And then I put on the glass. And then I turn to the can. Damn, dude. It feels better.

Keep it on, dude. I bet I look like a big old dingus. No way, dude. Dude, with a migraine? Again, I've never had a migraine, but I heard they're absolutely horrible. They suck. It's just like a little thing right here? Yeah, right there.

Yeah, on my left temple, and it just occasionally hurts. How is it right now? It's fine right now, but in like a minute, it'll hurt. Keep sipping up that water, bro. I have. I've been crushing water. I can't wear glasses. I look like a fucking dipshit.

You can't do it? So, yeah, there's been some drama within the squad. What? We were fucking back-talking in the group text. I've never even seen anything like that. Yeah, dude. Noah was very short in the group text. He said, I'm fucking Bourdain.

He probably had three ounces of a beer. like that yeah dude no it was very short in the group text he said i'm fucking bourdain he probably had three ounces of a beer what did i say he was probably sitting in like a small little stone alcove sip like drinking drinking gripa it's like a white just like a table wine it's like a small cup of table wine yeah just like he's running from the bulls in pamperona he's got like a red scarf and a white chef's outfit. I forget, Noah, but last week me and Shane both were like, man, what an attitude. You're probably just genuinely busy.

I really don't know what I said. I was like, are you coming? I think you were like, no. Oh, when I said remember I'm not at the cast this week. There it is. Remember, I'm working. Talking down. You talked down to Matt. I felt is. Remember, I'm working. Talking down. You talked down to Matt.

I felt this big when I read that text. You felt very small when he saw that. Matt. This big, dude. I read that. Matt, I just want to say on the record, I'm very sorry. You're just drunk, Noah. Don't try to butter me up.

No, you're hammered and high. I'm not hammered and high. You're hammered and high again. I had one MGD. You had one genuine draft? Yeah Damn Can or bottle? Can

Animal, that's awesome MGD, I thought MGD Can and MGD Dude, that was You're an alcoholic That's fucking crazy No, please, for the assignment Go and watch

This Much I Know is True on HBO Okay You don't want to become that Okay, I won't That guy drinks some MGDs Please, for the assignment, go and watch This Much I Know is True on HBO. Okay. You don't want to become that. Okay, I won't. That guy drinks some MGDs and drives his truck right into a tree. Oh, man. You're young now. You have your whole life ahead of you.

You have your whole life ahead of you. I sent you that text at 3 p.m. on a Tuesday. Which made the attitude even worse. What is that? What is that like? I was at work. What did you say? Read the exchange.

I did. Yeah, read it off. We'll let people be the judge. I'm heading over there now. Noah, do you need a ride? Remember, I'm not at the cast this week. I'm at work. Gotcha.

And Shane said. What did Shane say? Oh, you gave him the face? Said that emoji there. Jeez. Yeah, dude. Somebody woke up on the wrong side of the bed that day. Grumpy, dude.

I was literally at work. We got a grumpy chef. Dude. Drew. Restaurant. They're dickheads. The chef, I was washing dishes, and he called me a fat pussy once. What?

I was like, dude, I have to fight you. Well, someone psyops chefs into thinking they're like the leader of almost like paramilitary environment. If you go in a kitchen, it's like, dude, this is like basically a military environment. It's like, no, it's called everyone being high on cocaine at once. Yeah. The restaurant owners come in. He was a juggalo, too. The guy who called me a fat man.

He was a little short, fat juggalo. And he was like i would i mean i would have laid on him and murdered him should have he now he called my bluff dude you knew i wasn't gonna do shit yeah yeah you know fend the pecking order yeah usually the pecking order of a restaurant is the owner comes in and just like absolutely berates the chef yeah sits in his office does nothing yeah he comes in he's like why is my stupid business i open failing it's all of your fault chef and the chef's like i'm too hung over to deal with this and he takes it out in the sous chef who then ultimately takes it out on the dishwasher dishwasher is called a fat pussy and also uh do you guys have any mexis oh we have like three they're immune dude the lads they try to give it to the lads and lads

are just like, okay. Yeah. That's been my experience in the restaurant. No, you're like a day walker. You can probably shift in and out amongst the lads. There's probably several workers that are like, that lad's fucking. Thinks he's better than me. He thinks he's better than all of us?

What's his lads problem? We're pretty sick there. That's pretty cool. The lads always rule nice no just in general pretty good pretty cool environment oh you like your squad yeah it's a good group good what are they listening to this oh you're afraid they're gonna listen to this is that why you're like that's actually a pretty good team like a fucking player after they definitely don't give the coaches interview like we got a good team over there we work hard no we got we have to figure

out this is a loyalty issue for sure going on right now. You have to call in and quit your job right now. This is not a drill, dude. I fucking love the cast, yeah. Kidding. We're kidding, dude. Get your money, bro. Oh, my.

Get your money. So what's up, dude? You're up in the U.S.? I have fucking cronies. You don't have cronies, dude. You wish. It's good I've surrounded myself with crony deniers. When I get it, everyone's just like, dude, you're fine. True. Yeah, man. don't have cronies dude you wish it's good i've surrounded myself with crony deniers when i get

it everyone's just like dude you're fine true yeah man my uh it's so funny because my mom doesn't care at all like i was like there sunday she what'd you do last night i was like oh i was at a show in millersville and she's like nice oh yeah yeah like you know god forbid if you're someone else you're like phil phil's all over it feels like you can't come home after you do a show like tested or something i'm like that makes sense i agree but then he goes to the bar yeah i'm like dude you gotta stop going to the bar yeah for real what's he say about that and he's like coaching basketball still he goes to like practice yeah i was like dude what are you doing you're gonna kill the whole family if cronies gets into the Gillis household, dude, not enough garlic in the world to save the lot.

Not enough garlic. A whole lot of them. Going down. Oh, my God. Dude, in like three hours. It would be crazy. We would get decimated. You think so?

Yes. Fuck, man. It'd look like fucking Heaven's Gate in there. It'd just be fucking 12 people laying around. Went in the McClusker household and got the hell out of there. True. Went in there. Everyone was like, this shit.

It's like a demon, dude. If nobody believes in it, it's just like, I have no power here. It's a poltergeist. Everyone's like, this is just a cold. It's just wildly ill. Yeah, I came in the McCusker household and was like, I'm out of here. Ran into freedom. I need to go find some good liberal household where people fear me, dude.

I was thinking about that today. I was walking and I, thinking about people who have like liberal boss wives through this whole pandemic. Dude, that must be fucking brutal.

Liberal boss wives? Yeah, liberal boss wives who like whole social, like whole social life depends on them not being caught with their mask down anywhere.

Dude, I've seen dudes. That's most of New York. I've seen dudes try, exactly, with their mask down anywhere dude i've seen dudes that's most of i've seen dudes try well exactly dude it's crazy i've seen people like families walking and the dude will try to rebel and pope his put his nose out and the wife will be like frank i'll be like pull it up and i'm like i was walking i'm walking my dogs and my fucking white sweats just like i've yeah there's's people that I'm friends with that are like... They're like, we heard you're doing shows. That's like a dinner conversation.

Really? One of them... Yeah, somebody that they know is out doing things. They can't believe it. Yeah. It's crazy. I'm telling you, it bugs them out. But here it is now.

Now I'm struck down with the Roans. You can taste... I've been struck down with Melancholy and the Roans. What do those eggs taste like today you ate? They were good eggs. They taste like eggs? They were some good eggs. Trick question.

Y'all got chronic, dude. Taste of your eggs. You can smell. Although any of us could have had it and not been displaying symptoms at any time. I'm 100% convinced that I will get the antibody test. I know I have the antibody. I knew I had the antibodies when I first heard of chronic. I was like, I'm probably immune.

Yeah, it's good. It's good to have the anybody. I knew I had the anybody's when I first heard of Corona. I was like, I'm probably me. Yeah, it's good. It's good to have that ego. I have that. I have the same ego. I was like, I won't get it. No.

And then every day I wake up, like I have it for sure. Yeah. We have the genes of people who like went down to like South America in the 1700s and they're like, what's everyone all fucking doubled over and coughing for it. I'll be fine. Yeah. I'm like, no, you have fucking doubled over and coughing for? I'll be fine. Yeah.

Like, no, you have it. Like, no, I don't. That's the cure. Apparently that's the cure for Corona. Just be like, no, I don't. Oh God, that shit.

I want to get that. Yeah, man. That would be tough, man. If like, you got a liberal boss wife, you go somewhere and you got to like just sit inside

for 14 fucking days. Can't go anywhere. Can't go outside. 14 days, dude. No, liberal boss wife you go somewhere and you gotta like just sit inside for 14 fucking days can't go anywhere can't go outside days dude no liberal boss wives especially in new york have been locked down the whole time really non-stop bro occasionally like once every like two months you go to like a park go outside really yes jesus just witnessed it really yes i have them they're in my area. I see them, man. Their kids are like fucking two years old. They'll have them on there, and it's like, goddamn, bro. Liberal boss wives.

Liberal boss wives are tough, man. I see them. I see them kicking around my neighborhood, dude. Luckily, me and my lady are walking around like two goddamn patriots. Two black conservatives. Two black conservatives, dude. That's the absolute enemy of the liberal boss. I will say this too.

It's so funny because when I walk by myself, everyone looks at me like piece of shit, jerk off, loser. And it's like, dude, if I go in a store, obviously I wear my mask and stuff. Wait, who looks at you? Oh, because you're not wearing a mask. Liberal boss wives and their fucking husbands who are just showing me a sign of, just a quick sign of independence. They'll poke the nose out.

They'll be like, Stephen, pull it up. Like, motherfucker. So I'll just walk my dogs. And, you know, people just like just. There's a thing, too, I notice people do with the mask. If they see you don't have one on, they go like this with theirs. And they adjust theirs right in front. It happens.

It's like a reflex. It's pretty interesting. But when I'm walking with Bay, dude, everyone's like, oh, good morning, guys. Good morning. I'm like, dude. All the liberal boss wives are like, oh, an interracial couple. Why can't you be black, Steve? with bae dude everyone's like oh good morning guys good morning kryptonite i'm like dude all the liberal boss wives are like oh an interracial couple why can't you be black steve why can't you be something interesting steve it is dude it's absolute kryptonite they're like i want to be

pissed these guys are not wearing the mask but then i'd be racist kind of oh shit i don't know what to do it's a tough one yeah man it's pretty fun it's pretty much all in my head they probably just don't yeah i guarantee nobody's like it's pretty weird how much i go around doing that like see like oh man this person's so pissed at me right now and they're like nobody gives a fuck at all yeah no one cares it's even worse it's worse than you think the real truth is literally no one cares at all for sure you know oh dude i'm telling you. Every once in a while I'm like, oh, so-and-so fucking hates me. Especially if I was out being Mr. Booze, Mr. Cool in it.

I'll wake up and just be like, oh, fucking Jay hates me. Yeah. And they'll be like, no, he doesn't. He just, no one cares. Yeah. No, that's worse. Somehow it's worse. No one cares.

You got to start just like starting big situations around yourself and like your personal life just demand drama at all times yeah just be like yeah just call all my friends be like yeah me and jay are fighting for real like about what i don't know ask him oh run it by him see what his problem dude this is called borderline personality just you should start getting super borderline with everything just go in and like tell lies about it just go in and be like dude he was fucking

start lying about people just slowly destroy your social life then just be like sorry I just god I'm sorry no one's paying attention no one's paying attention

to me dude yeah I like that it's a good move just explode your life 100% just walk around lying I might destroy I could if I wanted to

totally destroy my family. Definitely. Just, like, go in and, like, steal something valuable. I'm like, I don't know. That's me. That's me. Just go steal your parents' television. Dude, start a malicious rumor about my mom.

Just go home, steal your family's television in the living room, and then just bring it to your house. That'd be so fucking funny. Plug it in. Dude, just ransack. Just go upstairs and, like and empty out the drawers. Into a fucking pillowcase. Dude, I mean...

It's a good move. It's within your power. You could leave a condom in your dad's sock drawer and just peace. I actually thought about this today in terms of family life hacks. Because I've been calling on the babysitter. We've been calling on the babysitter a lot. Today, dude, I was able to get a nap because i was just working downstairs and usually you know we're like going back and forth i was like brit let's

just fucking shell the money for a babysitter a couple days we can both get we need done yeah dude i have there's a babysitter downstairs i go take a nap in the middle of the day i don't know a thing about it i like this you like that you like the name of it love what's going on i'm like i'm like no with this restaurant i won't say anything fresh, dude, at all. Don't you dare. I wouldn't dream of it, dude. Frankly, me and her dad have these same goddamn sweatpants, and dude, her dad's 6'8", and he might kick your fucking ass.

Your dad's 6'8"? Dad's a monster, bro. 6'8". Well, never mind. Gentle giant, for sure. Ruins my fantasy. You bet good. My fantasy is rescuing the babysitter from her life of servitude, beating the shit out of her dad.

By planting condoms in his house. I thought about it today. I'm like, dude, I wish, you know, and again, you know, shoulda, woulda, coulda. But it's like the ideal move for a family is to have a kid. Like when you're super young, totally ignore it. Wait till it's like 17, 16, and then start a family because then you're like, oh my God, yeah, sorry about that. Build in babysitter, dude, you can do whatever you want. Oh, just have one, leave it be for years?

Yeah, go do your thing, get established. And then when you're ready, be like, hey, I'm bringing you back. Come work for me. Yeah, I'm bringing you into the family. So have a kid when you're like 16. Yeah. Build it up. Start your real family.

Start your real family when you're like 30. This happens often, by the way. This happens a lot. It's so sad. I thought about it today. I'm like, man, it's so nice. I'm like, that must be awesome for people who have a kid when they're like seven I'm like oh actually no

that's not awesome that's but in terms of convenience oh boy it is interesting to see like with a young mother and like their kid

they just become like friends yeah or frenemies yeah or friends or frenemies eventually frenemies for sure that's how it always ends

that's how you and me are gonna end you think frenemies absolute enemies dude no frenemies dude no we're gonna be how it always ends. That's how you and me are going to end. You think frenemies? Absolute enemies, dude. No, frenemies, dude. No, we're going to be enemies. You think that would be... I've wondered about that.

What would be the thing? Between us? Yeah, that could catapult us into enemydom. Probably you going behind my back telling lies again. True. I thought about it. I was like, I could steal all the t-shirt money. I'm like, that would spoil things.

That would really... Yeah, you could keep the nature. That's why I always lay... I have a criminal's always lay i have a criminal's mind i have a criminal's mind dude dude i was i like every time i would not notice oh you could keep it for months my problem is i won't do it i'm an honest man with a criminal's mind one day i'd be like are we still selling t-shirts oh yeah and you'd be like oh yeah no i always that's why you're always like well whatever just i'm like no i always lay out the numbers specifically just in case i make a mistake so it's like that way i put everything out there but dude i like i don't think you're that guy i'm not at all but i'm telling you fucking crazy if you were that would be so fucking funny but it is how it happens like not with like yeah dude i might get like a money manager like for all my money. Yeah. It's like every behind the music or anything.

It's like and then they lost all their money. It's like how? It's like, oh, they just gave it to someone. And we're like, watch this. I trust you. Yeah. Or they just slowly kind of drain you out of fees and shit. And you're like, by the time you get it, you're like, what the fuck?

But yeah, man. That'd be cool if you did that. That'd be pretty tight. I'd respect it. I'd probably keep it moving. I would never. But the problem, dude, I'm telling you, I have the worst shitty brain. Our Christmas lights weren't working.

We have a little tabletop tree, and the bottom half of the lights won't work. And I walked by a restaurant with an outdoor setup, and my head was like, I should just steal these lights real quick. I'm like, are you a fucking piece of shit? They're $12. I'm like, are you a fucking piece of shit? They're 12 bucks. I am. Spud's theory of you guys all being autistic is totally true.

Our whole family. And that's your autism is like that you're like a petty thief. You're like a peasant criminal. I'm telling you. I should steal the silverware. I'm telling you, that's the first thought

when I go into a place. Dude, you going to Fogo de Chão and ziplocking meat? That was a power move. That was an act of love. silverware that's the first thought when i go into a place you're going to fogo to chow and ziplocking meat that was a power that was that was an act of love britney couldn't come that was that was actually high stakes for sure that was oceans stakes you like that come on playing through a migraine dude unbelievable dude yeah that was uh that was oceans 11 dude yeah i mean dude did you not see what i was doing there i should have i should have been listening like classical music and headphones while i was

pulling that heist off ziploc and steak fogo de chow i'm guaranteed the whole staff watched you this whole staff was probably like it was one of those things where they knew something was up but i was too like i was too coy like they were, for real. You bring a plastic gallon bag into Sfogadichow, dude, those guys were all over me. It was like the pit boss at a casino floor, dude. Yeah, people were like, we got an issue at table seven. Check out the retarded guy in the sweatpants. He's got a Ziploc bag for sure.

You walk in, they take, like, your weight on the way in and way out. I hit the scale. That would be insane, dude. I'd pack on a Ziploc bag of meat in there. It would be crazy. Dude, the last time we went, when we went, dude, I guarantee you, yeah, I would have walked out six pounds heavier. Yeah, easily, dude.

Insanity in there. Dude, I left there with – I actually weighed it when I went home. It was – I think I had like two pounds. You weighed the bag? I wanted weighed it when I went home. It was – I think I had like two pounds. You weighed the bag? I wanted to see what my take was. I left with like two pounds or so of meat from Fogarty Chow. Worth it. It actually ruined the entire meal for me.

I was like stressed out and nervously eating steak while I was taking it. It was like – I told Brittany. I was like – What I was doing was piling the plate as high as i could get it and then just going so they were just i would just be like yep this is this was my mistake you know again it was my first time heisting my first time heisting fogo de chow what you should do is take a little piece eat a little stuff a little bag i piled my plate up, like, obnoxiously high.

And then as soon as nobody looked, I went, honk, and dumped it in a bag. The whole plate? The big plate. Honk. You're such a fucking lunatic. You're a lunatic. The guy comes out with a fucking, you know, the Brazilian cowboy comes out with, like, another cut and just, like, looks at my plate. And then, like, kind of looks around, like, puts his little steak away.

Next thing I know, a manager. I had a manager a manager just like sitting next to me the entire time and i said dude i was sweating bullets you had like fucking two pounds you had to fucking sizzle on me dude i i mean great if the back bro you're just standing up and just a fucking ton of meat falls out. Just my innards. You're like, I got to go. I'm sorry. Oh, my water broke. Yeah, that was high stakes. That's all I play is high stakes poker, bro.

I know. I've seen you. I've seen you operate. You've seen me operate, dude. There's always a scheme. 100%. You can't just go to Pogo Night Show. It's got to be a fucking we should go there oh the fucking corona dude you can still go definitely can't go there outdoor

fogo de chow we gotta go restaurant we gotta take the boys we gotta take the boys out for a treat true although noah's other job just took him out for a sick dinner so ours did they compare yeah dude they took him like a secret society they didn't take me to it i was working at it oh maybe i wasn't listening i'm sorry no you're paying attention to the help well first of all you weren't listening to the help i was driving so i you know i'm defensive driver so helper but no my friend watched i thought you guys went to a party there you just worked there there. No, yeah. I was cooking for it. Excuse me. See the attitude?

You can't make a mistake about it. It's weird, though, because he doesn't give me attitude like that. Was that attitude? Actually, you know what? He does back talk. When we used to play NHL, he would talk a ton of shit, dude. Fuck you. No, we're just breaking your stones.

No, we're just Joshy, bro. I'm sure you don't get it like this at the restaurant, but over here we like to Josh with our friends. We like to have fun with our pals. Oh, man. But, yeah, dude, you were actually hitting on a point, and Billy doesn't like thinking about this, but part of my personal journey of wellness has been recognizing that my entire family is autistic,

all 75 of my extended family network. I've seen it. I've seen you guys in the pool. Oh, yeah. It's just a clan of people there's so many of these motherfuckers coming out just jacked and retarded just walking around just just like 35 year olds diving cool into the pool like doing a cool move and people be like nice like that was sweet sweet entry entry. Oh, yeah. It's just like people who are like 40 still going for the biggest splash they can get nonstop, dude. Yeah, big splashes.

And then you walk over and there's like a conversation about how somebody could definitely drop into a half pipe still. Or like just something like just. The pool between my parents' house and my uncle's house is SeaWorld for just autistic jackass. It's SeaWorld for just guys that look like they're farmers. Just diving into the – yes. It's exactly what it is. It is SeaWorld. That's the theory.

Luckily, I did enough – I smoked enough weed and did enough mushrooms to realize I was autistic. So I cured my autism through just like nonstop self-inquiry. Just a lot of the stuff that I've done. A lot of stuff I learned, which, you know, brought me to where I am today. But Billy, Billy, I was telling Spud, Billy was just like crushed under the weight. He was he's younger. So he got like compressed under the weight of like so much autism that he's like a little autistic diamond. He is.

Billy is like a perfect little autistic diamond. He's on. He's unbreakable. There's nothing you can say to even get in at all. autistic diamond he is philly is like a perfect little autistic diamond dude he's on he's unbreakable there's nothing you can say to even get in at all you can't you can't dude he's just been compressed yes he's just jacked that he talks about hillary clinton all day i was down there i was down there it was just me and him and he was like looking at he was trying to get something online about, it was something with work.

And then he just picked up the phone. I heard him talking to somebody. He's like, yeah, she fucking erased all her emails when they, it just went straight to that. I was just laying on the couch like, dude, who are you talking to? He's like, my cousin. But yeah, man, that's going to be the, you know, getting a groove back for our families. Like just figuring out we all have autism and coming to grips with it.

Yeah. It's a real thing. The ladies don't seem to have it. It kind of skips them, and they kind of hide it a little better. But for dudes, dudes get autism. It's like coronavirus for black people. It just affects us differently. Dude, it just hits us.

It's true. It's vitamin D. What do you mean? Coronavirus fucking butt fucks black people dude it's all it's all in the numbers look i'm worried i'm serious i'm gonna stand my whole extended family fucking vitamin d because if you have a lot of melanin your body doesn't absorb vitamin d well enough and you get you know kobe comes in fucking jacks you up so or you know we could believe what the media says and just it's because all black people are poor that's how they put it off they're like black people are black people

are suffering from this more it's because they're poor and it's like well no they can easily control for a variable yeah it's probably the you know again i'm i mean also lower access to health care you know yeah but all they have to do is control for that variable and see, like, is it from that or is it from the vitamin D theory? I mean, dude, they could let us know. They could figure these things out pretty quickly. But, you know, I just want the truth is all I'm saying. I'd like the truth, too.

I'm sorry to make you uncomfortable in the room, dude, but, you know. I don't think you're making it uncomfortable. I tried to make it uncomfortable. I tried to help. It worked on me, dude. I started going. Am I saying something inappropriate? You triggered my me, dude. I started going, am I saying something inappropriate? You triggered my autism, dude.

I just went, did I just violate another one of those social rules that I don't understand? No. It is a tough time for autistic white guys because they're moving the goalposts every fucking day. They're like, actually, you can't even say this.

Yeah, it's gone. Have I done something wrong again? But I don't feel I did anything fucking day. Yeah. They're like, actually, you can't even say this. Yeah, it's gone. Wait, what? Have I done something wrong again? But I don't feel I did anything wrong. Yeah, you did. Actually.

Yeah. Yeah, the one who pointed this out, well, the one who pointed out my family's deep autism was my one cousin. My former agency just called. Really?

Declined. Put him on the line. Say, what the hell do you guys want? What the fuck are you guys doing calling me? We want you back. Thank you so much. Dude, actually, yeah, Spud was the one who brought it to my awareness that we're all

autistic. I thank him. I had him over for spaghetti meatballs last night. For what? I had Spud over for spaghetti meatballs. You guys had spaghetti? You and Spud had spaghetti meatballs? I made spaghetti meatballs.

Spud, I made a mistake on the last episode i do have to issue an apology oh dude you went you were attacking him i was just trying to make fun i was trying to get bill and spud to be angry at each other i was trying to and bill called it out right away he's like i know what you're doing and i laughed and stopped yeah yeah but then i listened to war mode and i could tell it got to hurt dude it hurt the spud man he's like sorry i'm you know i talked down to you and i'm i forget what else it was oh I talked down to you. I forget what else it was. Oh, I talked down to you and I'm wrong a lot. And I was like, dude, I'm just joshing you.

He also was mad at LeMaire for fucking short uncleing him, dude. He short shamed him? No, he was saying LeMaire should have spoke up on behalf of all short people. Oh, yeah, LeMaire, you're short. How tall are you? Here's a lie. on behalf of all short people. Oh, yeah.

Let me know. You're short. How tall are you? Here's a lie. He had time to lean over and think about how much he was going to lie. On my tippy toes or flat on my feet? Yeah, how many inches? You added one or two here.

It's 5'7". All right, so you're 5'6". Yeah. I'm 5'6". Yeah. 5'6". Yeah, Spud felt'6". Yeah. 5'6". Yeah, Spud felt like you should have stood up. That's tight, though.

That rules. Yeah, Spud said you should have stood up for, you know, your guys' mutual identity. He's probably 5'6", too, right? He's like 5'7". He's totally normal. Yeah, for real. He's got it in his head that he's super short. He's not.

He's a beautiful man. He did say something very funny on War Mode where he was like, is it like the way we make fun of – Oh, my God, dude. Because he's short, so he thinks that people don't make fun of short people when he's around the same way white guys don't make fun of black people when a black guy's in the room. It's so funny.

He's like, is it as bad? Just tell me, Bill. Yeah, he's like, is it as bad? Lay it on me. Imagine if it was. I know. Like if we were like fucking short people. I don't do that about black people, by the way.

Just tell me. I swear to God, there is a – I was actually thinking about it. What was it? I was thinking about my school. I'm still hung up on my schooling, dude. You should be. I went to Bryn Mawr. I'm hung up on a lot of things too, myself.

Yeah, I noticed that. I try to let that pass through me, me dude but it's like it's still i still got a little part of my height my heart that's just ice dude it won't part it won't go through there dude and it's like i was thinking about how much they would sit there and just like raise their hand and be like oh i was with i saw this white guy today in my head i'm like this is just what literally this is what people like in the 90s i used to talk about black like there's all this fucking black guy walking down the street

just being a fucking asshole and it's like, a dude saw a black dude, kept a story in his head about it for like 19 hours and was like, yo, tell me there's a fucking black guy I saw.

What the fuck? I was watching like 23 year old white chicks do that in school. It was like the same thing and I was thinking about that the other day. I'm like, dude, they're just being racist.

Yeah. It's the same mechanism. It really is. It's just now it's aimed inwards yeah it's interesting oh well dude it's interesting to like look online and it's like white people are fucking ugly they look like pink pigs it's like holy shit i mean i'm reading the book right now that got uh got kind of slammed in the uh general press but it's's – fuck, what's it called? It's about the epidemic of teenage and adolescent – really more so teenage girls who are irreversible damage. It's about girls who are transing to boys. Yeah.

And the thing they said, they were like – Hot. Dude, I mean – So it's a hot book? Is it in the erotica section? It's as hot as it gets, dude. Every time I see a chick, I'm like, you look so much hotter with fucking chest hair. Think of young teen girls being like, I'd love to pound pussy with a cock.

They don't get the bottom surgery typically, though. It's time for me to change. So this is the thesis of the book. They don't get the bottom surgery. And what they were saying is, like, you know, if you follow gender dysphoria, typically it affects like 0.1% of girls. Sorry, burp. If you follow gender dysphoria. I was driving down here with the migraine.

That's just keeping me out of NPR. I was driving down with this migraine like, dude, I don't know if I can listen to The Economist. I know. I appreciate it. I was just joking. It migraine like, dude, I don't know if I can listen to The Economist. I know. I appreciate it. I was just joking. It made me laugh. For sure. I was like, I don't know if I can sit here and just be like.

That's why I'm getting hit. If I hit you with the GDP or fax. The market cap of the tech industry. I'm just like, oh, no. It would have went red right here. It went. A little white would have went in four directions. Fuck. I'd have to toss the shades on for show white would have went in four directions. Fuck.

I'd have to toss the shades on for show. You'd have to block that, dude. No, they were saying that they don't. You'd have to put sunglasses on to weather your conversation. I'm going to hit you with some stats. It's too powerful. It's so autistic. It's too powerful.

It's so autistic. Who do you think has gotten the bug the most in your family? I think Bill. Bill might have it by a mile. Well, that was funny, too, because I started thinking about my family as, like, an entire ecosystem. And I have, like, a wholly autistic family. So, like, you know, it's like, because, again, we all, we're all, my whole family is on a spectrum. To be fair, my cousin Ajax, I think, has the most.

Yeah, he's got it. He's got the most. He's got the real deal. I got a decent amount. He's got the real McCoy. No, we all, I'm telling you, I think I have the real McCoy. I think it's like, I'm also, a lot of ours is like on, so there's like, you know, we have two houses.

I know in my house, I think the setup is like light autism, well, let's say moderate autism, let's be honest, coupled setup is like light autism. Well, let's say moderate autism. Let's be honest. Coupled with like very light bipolar. So it's like it's autism that gets fueled by manic episodes. A lot of business plans. Dangerous. Oh, yeah, dude. A lot of million dollar ideas.

A lot of entrepreneurs. It's just autism with light bipolar, too. Yeah. So it's like, you know, that's what I'm rocking. But, dude, it's funny because it's like, yeah, so maybe Jack says the most. But our family as a unit, other families are like, oh, fucking that whole family is just an autistic family, which is pretty. I think people enjoy us, though. Yeah.

Because I always notice people like, I was like, they would talk about our family. I love to be there. McCuskers, you guys are, and it was just, we were just autistic. Yeah. And they were like, look at our fucking autistic family. There's like 20 of them coming to church, dude. Fucking rules, dude. Yeah. It's's great that's how i identify right i identify as an irish autistic family dude right we're irish autistic grew up in a staunch irish autistic alcoholic yeah you're really similar oh yeah a lot of ideas come out. We got business ideas. For sure.

We've been bamboozled. The whole family got Ponzi schemes. We got tricked. Some guy named Ron Zook. What happened? He tricked everybody. You guys all had migraines? Everybody had migraines.

Put the shades on. Ron Zook, everybody was hungover, so they couldn't really listen to the business plan. And he was just like, yeah, just give me like 20 grand. I'll turn 30. And everyone was like, sweet. What was the proposal? I don't remember. I was too young.

I was too young. But he got my uncle first and helped him. He Ponzi schemed. Yeah, gave him a little bit back. And then my uncle was like, yo, this works. Everybody, check it out. He ripped everyone off. That sucks, dude. Yeah. Pretty tight. That sucks. There's a family getting tricked. everybody check it out oh he ripped everyone off oh that sucks dude yeah pretty tight that sucks there's a family getting tricked just like holy shit we're all dumb one guy just fucking stole

from all of us did the uncle go back in once he got a nice little piece i i think so otherwise he was in on it dude true damn that's awesome he's not treacherous. He wouldn't do that. True, yeah. That would be fucking sick, dude. Ponzi scheme your own family? Yeah. It's like, I'm so... Yours would get busted. You think so? Yeah, there's too many altists.

True, it would get figured out. Everybody would be like, Matt's gay. Just right away. You wouldn't even be able to get a plan out before people were like, Matt's doing something dumb. No, dude, we were setting up a we were setting up a tree oh dude it was so fucking funny i went back to my parents house and my my brother and them first of all my fucking i get confronted by my little sister comes in she's like which one mara youngest sweet angel she

shane's future wife comes in i'm cour her. Tell her there's a gentleman caller. I told her. Dude, my dad already set it up. If any dude comes to my house, my dad's like, you should get married. Just fuck with her constantly, dude. So she... I just remember the specific person he did it about.

It was pretty funny. Who? Just this fucking... Just a different male caller? No. Just a different suitor? It was just one of his boys' kids. It was just like a total fucking business monster.

Yeah. It was just funny. He's trying to pawn her off. Yeah, and knowing he's coming over to get something, my dad will set up a highly uncomfortable situation and be like, hey, Mar, I told him you were asking about him. I was like, what the fuck? Stop, dude.

So then Mar comes in. She's like, what do we need? She's like, I'm going to paint this family room. What do I need to do it? I'm looking at her. I'm like, dude in she's like what do we need she's like i'm gonna paint this family room what do i need to do it i'm looking at her i'm like well no you're like there's dude there's like wood it's a hard room to paint yeah and i'm like what are you what are you talking about she was like i'm gonna paint the room i'm like no you're not she was like me and mom are gonna do it and i'm like all right i'm like how are you gonna do it like we're just gonna roll the walls and i'm like how are you gonna cut in the ceiling she was like oh uh i

don't sound like looking at him like stop this is a horrible idea just knock it off and then so then like they're setting up a uh they're still determined to do it i hope they don't but they're setting up a christmas tree and the uh the tree was like on level so they're like my mom more like do this do that i'm like you guys might have to fucking bust up the subfloor and level it out just like fucking with them yeah you know, just light joshing. Sure. And then Mara's like... Taunting them while they're trying to work. You're like, you guys are doing something dumb. Yeah.

Light joshing. And then, so Brittany's sitting there, and Mara's like, I think it needs to go to the left a little bit. My brother Kevin's like, yeah, you're dyslexic, so let's not fucking... And Brittany was like, genuinely shocked and upset.

That he called... She was laughing, but she was like, that's awful. Who did he call dyslexic? Mara. He discounted. Did she? Yeah. Oh, well, then she cannot have my seed. Sorry.

I won't be planting anything in there. Sorry, bro. My bad. That's genuinely pretty funny. No, that's pretty funny. I realized it was a PA as soon as it left my mouth. I was like, oh, did I see you? It's one of those things that's not a PA, but it's one of those things that should be.

To anybody else, that should be a PA. Yeah, to me, it's genuinely funny. Thanks, bro. We have a very medieval kind of philosophy to the women in our family. Yes. They're just for our personal gain and advantage. I need to raise mine up. That would be a huge. We got to raise mine up. That would be a huge...

We got to pick it up. I'm telling you. My stonks are down, dude. That was the currency in ancient Ireland, which is women. Yeah. Pretty sick, dude. We got a real... It was just women.

We got inflation. You were just... Women were like mining Bitcoins. You just had daughters. You're like, sweet, I got a Bitcoin. You were just fucking... Bitch coin. Yeah, bitch coin. Yeah. Oh, my God. bitcoins you just had daughters you're like sweet i got a bitcoin you were just fucking coin oh my god and then you had bitch coins and then a dude had his own honor price

so you would just tell people you're like if you piss me off it's going to cost you five chicks and five cows so i'm like that's too high of a fucking honor price and they would fuck you up and if they won you had to drop your honor price so like a lord had like i think it was the standard thing was like seven women seven cows and like you know however many ounces of silver as a peasant if you could like kill his brother and be like all right dude what's your honor price one cow here you go shut the fuck up and if they complain you would just kill them like fuck dude ancient ireland was fucking crazy we need some pre-monacta we need to bring that backima Nocta? That's why I'm coming to your wedding. You serious, dude?

Now you're firing me up. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You're lucky I know what that is, dude. Matt, I could have been like, yeah, well, it's cool. Yeah, maybe we should. Yeah, Prima Nocta was pretty. Oh, we do have Prima Nocta over you two.

Oh, 100%. Me and Matthew both have. We have Prima Nocta. We're going to three-way Prima Nocta is pretty... Oh, we do have prima nocta over you two. Oh, 100%. Me and Matthew both have... We have prima nocta. We're going to three-way prima nocta. For sure. If you get married, we're going to fuck you on your wedding night. Fuck you on your wedding night. We have gay prima nocta.

I wonder if that existed. That'd be pretty tight. Oh, dude, for sure. Just an English lord was like, who's getting married? Bring him to me. Oh, for sure. Just plowed him. Dude, 100%. Just deflower English lord was like, who's getting married? Bring him to me. Oh, for sure. Just plowed him. Dude, 100%.

Just deflowered every man on their wedding night. I'm still digging into the Rome, not Rome book, the debt book. And they go back through ancient Rome and Greece and how like that was pretty much the deal. You would, there were just people, if you got captured in war, people were going to fuck you in the butt. Yeah. And then you could slowly start to get your way out of being like a slave. But then they would still like sell their ass. And it was one of those things where it was like, basically in Rome, it was like you could

fuck dudes in the ass. But if you got fucked, they were like, loser, loser. It was kind of one of those things where like. I think that like is like Afghanistan. It was for poor people. I think that holds up in a lot of countries. It was trashy to get fucked in the butt. Oh, yeah, for sure.

Uncouth. It was one of those things that were like. Yeah. It's probably all they're getting fucked in the there was like four jobs imagine if you could totally disassociate like what was going on take one in the butt through like zero it had no effect on you like you weren't like this sucks you could just go around take stuff in the ass and then gain yeah money you get coins whenever you want it true, somebody just toss one in me. I would say, yes, you could get came inside of, but there was

no Astro Glide back then, so it was like you know, it would just be like lamp oil. I bet there was, yeah. I bet they had something. They probably did have some stuff. I mean, think of what you would do as like a young lad, what you would go for for lube. True. They were just doing that. No, you're right. They didn't have anything. They had olive oil. They had stuff.

They had olive oil. They'd stuff. They had olive oil. They'd drizzle. They'd drizzle a little bit of. Lugies. Some lugies. Some guy's lugies. But dude, they. Jar of lugies.

Oh, just spitting. Break it out. Spitting right up your fucking. Right in your keister. Just like your livelihood butthole. That was your fucking hammer, dude. They were just fucking. You're fucking cleaning that thing out every day.

Dude, that was life or death. What, taking in the keys? Dude's butthole. Like a young Greek boy would come. A lot of Greeks would come to Rome to gain citizenship. So you could sell yourself into slavery then have one of your affluent friends buy you out of it. But, dude, like the guy could come. If you were there for like, you know,

say like the dude got like his donkey's leg got broken. Yeah yeah your master could be like i'm gonna fuck you in the ass like no no it's just a misunderstanding i'm rich i swear i'm rich they'd be like there's no recourse sure like i'm gonna fucking kill they could kill you fuck you in the ass but a lot of times they would it was like a citizen you should do a history podcast dude i'm just the history of getting fucked in the ass i'm just ancient history i'm strictly ancient history dude dude they got into the idea of um free peasantry that's what that we're right now the people are going to democracy republic we're in a free peasantry system they figured out around the actual age i mean dude please stop me if i'm getting too technical but around the actual age about 800 bc to 600 ad they started you got some You're in my ass right now.

I'm just like, oh, I can do it for a couple coins. I can let this guy buttfuck me. Go ahead. But the bunch of places all at once kind of figured out. Really, it was like, say we're a feudal society. We're obviously the lords. These are our vassals. I looked over.

He's sitting there. He's like. So we're obviously the lords these are our vassals i looked over he's sitting there he's like so we're lords i say you're the lord i'm your vassal and then i vassal out well just just let's go well there was no equality i'm robert you're the hand but exactly there's no it was very it was hierarchical all dude feelings aside i just care about getting accurate to the historical portrayal okay so it has to be... I'm Robert. You're Ned. Fair enough. Fair.

Still, it's a vassal relationship. This is the hound and the mountain. Yeah, but we... Two brothers. I want to break them down to peasants, though, so we can go all the way through. So we can say... Disgusting. The mayor could be perhaps a little tooth.

And then Noah may be a peasant. Again, this has nothing to do with you sending me mean texts. It could be anyone. It could be... Yes. No, you're clearly a peasant so they figured so like b we were just all we would just dominate each other all day long and then the military was for like noble born something like the noble borns would go out and be like let's go conquer and they're like yeah and like you know fight people on stuff

and then they figured out they're like all right if we give uh the poor the peasants if we give the peasants a little bit of land and then give them coins and say, like, hey, this is money. Come bring us money. You know, I think I talked about this before. Just bring us a little bit of money. It's called taxes. Otherwise, we'll fucking kill you. So then you're working the farm and they're like, hey, the farm's kind of falling behind.

You had a bad crop. Let's get some of those boys going into the army. We'll give you some money. So then they figured out they had a free peasantry. They would take the farmer's sons and put them into war and let they let basically the poor people go start doing their conquering for them and it worked out awesome but the problem was in order to conquer need more money so then they would go get mines they would take people over get slaves to mine more money so they

can get more soldiers and the whole thing kind of went on and on and on but pretty sick so that's how we live in a free peasantry yeah so you free you free your peasants, but then you draft all the children. You make it, like, hard for them to kind of get ahead, but you offer, like, make sure the military is, like, a significant amount of money, just enough. And you just constantly just keep milling people over. That's why you can't let people get too affluent because the military enlistment falls off.

So, dude, they, like, have documents saying all this stuff. There was India, Rome, Greece. Dude, Greece was fucking hilarious too because in greece they didn't do like so like when money first came out greeks they didn't you had a farm so you're like you saw money in the commerce was for kind of peasants you're like yo dude and all as a affluent greek affluent greek you just trained for the olympics so you just like try to get you stay on your farm like you got a naked wrestle yeah you naked wrestle and then you would just fuck boys like they that was a big rite of passage it was a paradise it was guy it was guy it was guy heaven so you would wrestle train argue

philosophically and then be like let's get one i like that boy i'm gonna train him and you were like give your you would give this boy everything you know it's like how i approached open my comedy dude i was like i was like i like that boy. I brought in the young mixer and I plowed him for sure. Spots. I sunk my dong into him deep. Had to dude. And then he would, that would be, I mean, that gets into another thing too of a, it's called homosexual reproduction.

So there's like, you can reproduce with a woman, but your offspring, your biological offspring is going to be half that woman. If you want a pure son, you get, you a pure son, you have a young boy in a homosexual relationship, and you download your entire spirit into that person, and then that's another part of your legacy that's more truly you. Did you tell Bill this? No, I haven't told him. That was like a tip he was on.

Really? He was like, I mean, it doesn't have to be. He was like, it would be cooler if guys could just marry other guys and reproduce with guys. He said that. It's tough staying in the closet when you're autistic, dude. Yeah, and it's funny, too, because he's like autistic gay. He's not doing it because he's sexually attracted. He's doing it because I like being around guys more.

For sure. It'd be cooler if we could just be around each other. And then you find another. I think his explanation. This is warm. Listen to it. He's talking about you got to find other guys that you get along with. Like you and me are pals.

Sure. You and me could have a son. True. An elite son combined. Autistic and drunk. Damn. That's a sick idea actually. Unstoppable for you. Now he sold me. I figured. So you could have like a. Autistically sound. damn that's a sick idea unstoppable yeah

now he sold me I figured so you could so you can have statistically sound you can have a traditional monogamous heterosexual marriage

where you both have yeah you have a son but then two dudes could squad up in like a different type of arrangement yes that'd be pretty tight

two straight guys could adopt a kid yeah that's actually a good idea and then they just go back and forth between households you can just chuck and Larry a kid. Yeah, that's actually a good idea. And then they just go back and forth between households. You just Chuck and Larry a kid. That's awesome.

You know? We could fake be gay, get married, and adopt a child. Well, I don't understand why, you know, I mean, I don't understand why. I don't know if you'd have to be married. Why do you have to be gay to adopt a child? I think that's unfair. I think as a heterosexual, we should be able to have our heterosexual Christian households and then adopt a son together as an...

We would be that person's guardian and that joint custody almost. We could start basically a barracks. You and me could move son together as an we would be we could start a guardian and enjoy custody almost we start basically a barracks you and me could move in together yeah kill your parents for sure take the compound yeah i gotta take that over for sure you have to poison the well the good of the boys in the well over there i could literally put a goat's head in the well i'll supply it get a goat's head put it in the well that'll render my sister financially installment that way you could swoop in there. She can live. I was just saying, but she would be very dependent. Yes.

I mean, she works, but yeah. Nothing compared to the coinage we're going to be stacking with all these boys. We need to start a mint. That's the thing. We've got to start making our own coins. That was the big thing. You start a mint. You would just go in, extract metals, and then do currency.

Then have those people you paid to go take other metals from other people, make currency, get more soldiers, get more slaves. So once we've taken out your parents and rendered everyone pretty weak through whatever disease the goat's head will inflict. Maybe I can do a bit of an ergot infection. Put the goat's head in the pool. I don't think it will keep them out. It won't affect them.

They won't notice. It's not going to stop the canyons and the jackdaws. That would just be tossed back and forth like a pool volleyball. Then we set up a barracks. We start adopting kids. Bring them in, train them up, get them jacked, get them supple. Yep. Have our way with them if need be.

If need be. Obviously. Not out of anything other than... Greek philosophy. Greek philosophy. Respecting Western thought. I just don't want democracy to die. Yes.

So obviously we're going to have sex with the kids we've adopted. Just so they totally understand our lessons. Yes. 100%. You got a hammer at home. 100%. Yeah.

And then I don't know where to go from there. That's probably as far as the plan goes. I think that's what the allegory of the cave was about. Just a guy like 69ing. If a hairy butthole is in front of your face as you suck your master's dick, can you really see what's happening? I can't believe people think this podcast sucks. Are you kidding me?

Come on. Just you and me sitting there like, we should fuck kids. No, we would never. That's fucking crazy. Yeah, dude. That was, that could have been the downfall of Greece, man.

They got too butt friendly? The lower, the lower classes were like, They got real butt hungry. Enterprising, yeah. Enterprising and doing things and the elites were like, that's disgusting.

Yeah. And just like, sat around, kicked some ideas around and then the Romans fucking came through. My headache's going away. You charmed it.

You charmed it out of me. Ancient history, dude. That's all I needed. I've been working on, where are we at time-wise? 54 minutes. Perfect. I'm working

on a hardcore history. I'm excited. It's coming. But I listened to I don't want to give it away. This will give the topic away

for sure. But I've been listening to this book on tape that I thought was the book on the Civil War. It's called Killer Angels.

Yeah. The movie Gettysburg is based off of it. And since I was a McCusker about that movie when I grew up, I was fully McCusker watching this movie. I watched it every fucking day. So now I know the dialogue. They took it from the book. So I'm listening to this book, and I just know I can see every scene.

Damn, so you're watching the movie? I'm watching the movie while listening to the audio book at night. It's pretty tight. That's fucking awesome, dude. But it's fiction. I didn't know the book was fiction. What? It's supposed to be like the definitive Civil War novel.

Well, I mean, it's a novel. But it's a fucking fiction. It's like first person from every historical figure. It's just made up. You think? You think it was supplemented by facts? This is what they would say. Yeah, it definitely was.

Oh, but yeah. Absolutely was. Of course, they're going to throw a dialogue. But it's almost... It reads like a script. Yeah. It reads like... I don't know.

But then they just made everybody so... Back then, you would speak romantically. Probably. You'd be like... Yeah, that was how they talked back then. They're like, oh, my old brother. It's good to see you, Pete. Dude, that was back.

Oh, we really licked him over there. We gave him hell, didn't we? Yeah, you certainly did. I can always trust on you, my old war horse. Pete. And it was making me like, because that's how you'd read. That's true. That's how they wrote. That's how they, like, that's how they wrote.

That's how they, like, think of in the future, they look back at us and the way we talk. We're like, yo, like if they, so we're getting ahold of their like personal letters and their diaries and shit. So like their letters back and forth are like, dear Robert, oh dear friend, how I've missed you so. I think about you from time to time like stuff like that if they found and that's how we just assume they spoke because of their correspondence yeah if they found our texts oh my god like a hundred years from now they would be like

it's so fucking litty right now bro fuck you what like just you know it's gonna be horrible i've thought about i wonder if their correspondence was a little different than how they spoke, is what I'm saying. Do you think they strictly spoke in, like, ironic ebonics when they saw each other? Yeah, like, ah, sheesh. Stonewall, my mother, look at me. Stonewall was great. No, they probably talked like that, dude. I believe they did.

In the 15th century, there was a whole art of like making a sick facial expression the entire day. I'm just being like, we talked about countenance before, dude, just fucking, you would go to the town square. There was nothing to do at all. That was the other thing too.

They used to just like run out of money and you'd be like, fuck all that money's gone. And you would just sit there and be like, yeah, they got tricked. Same way my whole family did. Just a whole town would be like, ah, fuck, we're out of wheat.

They took all the wheat. Well, that was originally money was for the upper class and the way it trickled down to lower classes because soldiers finally started looting. Once they made a lot of money, a soldier would conquer another advanced army. Just like shitty guys would get like, sweet, we have money and just spend it on bullshit.

And then that's how they said the money started to circulate to the population. It wasn't supposed to get to the lower class soldiers would just buy hookers and beef jerky and everyone was like dude we're fucking

these are our two main exports that was a medieval rest stop most towns was just like here's a slim gym and a hand job fucking get back out there do what you gotta do

just cutting heads off of barbarians oh yeah but yeah the civil war that's what it's gonna be for sure that's what the

that's what the history podcast will be so it'll just be people like my dearest dearest John oh boy how I've missed you so oh so fucking much

there was two guys that like loved each other and it's that's best two guys that were like best friends that are like through our lens

clearly gay dudes do you think so Winfield Scott and Armstead. And one of them charged the other one at Pickett's charge. What? Towards the end of the battle.

And yes, they're like, oh God, they've killed old Winfield. They're like, I think he's over the hill there, Jeb. Could I go speak to him, please? It's like, sure. Talk to your old pal. Oh my God. Two dudes be like, I think he's over the hill there, Jeb. Could I go speak to him, please? It's like, sure. Talk to your old pal. Oh, my God.

Two dudes would be like, I've missed you. I've thought about you. Just two dudes that were gay. Clearly gay. They're like, I love you. Who was telling me this? I forget who it was. They were saying that they've studied some of the muskets in the, I think, Revolutionary War.

And they said a lot of people fake shot. And they to shoot, like a lot of people fake shot and like, they would just overstuff them and like, keep just putting bullets on bullets. That's in a movie. Was that what it was? I think it's in Gettysburg. Was it? There's people who just were like,

I don't want to shoot this guy. I think there's a character, this Irish guy who's turns out was totally made up. Spent my whole life thinking there was an Irish guy in the 20th main that ruled. Fake. Fake. Fake news. Sucks.

Yeah. He's like like they just keep loading colonel they never fire a shot yeah I think I heard it in that I know it's in that someone's saying

it could be a real fact they studied the guns and they were people were just going like there were people who were just like nah

I don't want to give away too much but Civil War rules dude I'm I'm fully McCuskered for the Civil War yes dude I'm so excited

yeah I'll do it and I think I might maybe get the Spud Man in for an episode. I don't know how to do it. Should I do it by myself? Because that'll be crazy. I tried to record an episode. It's crazy.

Recording audio by yourself is... It's crazy. I have an episode that's... You'll get used to it. Every minute. You would get used to it. Every minute stops by me being like, what the fuck? Which would be very funny.

It would be funny. Yeah. And I've kept it. I kept the one. I was like, what the fuck? Which would be very funny. It would be funny. Yeah. And I've kept it. I kept the one. I was like, this is the West. What the fuck am I calling it that for? Just like... Like, so we're going to get into that.

I'm like, where the fuck would I ever say that? I would just do both. I would have people... It always is nice, too, to bounce stuff off people. I'm very much looking forward to you and Spud talking Civil War, dude. Spud's fired up about Stonewall Jackson right right now that would be tight dude you give him an audiobook dude again i think a lot of our fucking autistic pixie dust is run off he swears he's not autistic i don't think he's out i think he's just crazy yeah i think spud dog's just wild i think he

has like vincent van gogh head or something yeah he has this like he must have like constant tinnitus he's a tortured artist, dude. I texted him to apologize about the, like I was just, I was like, I was just kidding. He was like,

thank God. But I couldn't tell if he was fucking with me or was like, I'm relieved because that was something I was worried about

that you thought I was talking, I don't know. He probably thought you were fucking throwing him under the bus, dude. I would never. Man.

I don't think, I know you wouldn't, too. I have nothing but love and respect for this part of me. Yeah, I think you just thought, it's old pal, it's old pal Shane. Oh, do you think old Winfield's over there on the other side? It's Shane. Your last podcast cut me to the core. I've been stricken down with the melancholy.

I've seen brighter days, friend. I don't know what that was. Your latest electric correspondence cut me down. Damn it. But yeah, I think... Most of my research has been playing Civil War video games.

That counts. That's the only way to research properly. It counts, dude. I got to put myself in the mind of the generals and be like, what would I do? Dude, for real, seriously. So what you should do

is do the audio and then overlay it on you playing the paddle in the game. That would be pretty tight. I'm just spitballing here. Yeah, true. I would want a video aspect of it. That would be... You need to see hot pigs.

If you did a thing over a fucking Age of Vampires Civil War game, that would be funny. Even if it was just totally unrelated, you're just moving pieces. That would be so fucking funny. All right, I'll toss some of that moving pieces that would be so all right i'll talk some of that that'd be so fucking funny um but yeah i think you should do it bring there's a video game dude there's a computer game i must get and in order for me to get it i would have to buy a desktop that's like super powerful yeah and set up like monitor i would have to set up

a gaming station dude for one game become dude. I could become the most elite. Yeah, true. But it's called War of Rights. Yeah. It fucking rules. Yeah. All right, you play as one soldier. It's multiplayer, Civil War.

You play as one soldier? You play as a guy, but you have to, like, dudes, like, do their role. Yeah. Like, you stand in a line and walk walk and then somebody's like, aim, fire. And then like you all march around together. What? There's guys that like just hold the wheel of a cannon.

And someone's like, all right, two to the left. And you just sit there. What? You got to see it. It's full of murder. I'm going to show you War of Rights.

Please do. I got to get in on this. You might have to. There's nerds that are willing to simulate a battle. Fuck. Like nobody's yelling the n-word nobody's although probably if they should simulate it if you're the rebels you should holla you should holla out there were gentlemen they probably weren't hollering the rebel holla and you think they

that was like that's what they used to have those all-black union battalions there was probably some very very mean there were probably some people that were unhappy about, Dearest Margaret, you wouldn't believe what I saw today on the field. You believe this? He just breaks that character. They're fucking letting them fight? We sure gave them a licking, though we tortured them

to death after no surrender. Yeah, they would kill. They did some fucked up things. Like, they would kill. They did some fucked up things. Like if they ran into a brigade of Buffalo soldiers. Yeah.

Take them out. That's mean. That was not nice. No, not at all. Yeah. I told you why they called them Buffalo soldiers, right?

No. It was like the Native Americans. That was about Marley's song. It is. I know. It's about Buffalo soldiers. Why did they call them that?

The Native Americans were racist against black dudes. What? And they were like, they have the hair of the buffalo. And they wouldn't scalp them. They thought black dudes were gross. What? Native Americans are mean, dude.

They're mean. That's why we had to give them what for? We were like, stop being racist. True. And also, give us all of the whole country. True. We were just white liberals. White liberals.

We were like, excuse me? Columbus was woke, dude. He landed and he was like, what did you say? Give me back my basket of fruit. Yeah. And also Louisiana.

Damn, dude. We gotta switch. Let's switch over to Patreon. Thank you for listening. This was fun. I had a good time. I thought this migraine was going to hold me back a little. It's already been cured.

It has. It's been cured. You just had to hear about the actual age, dude. True. 800 BC to 600 AD. True. That helped. Also, dude.

I'll tell you after. Hit some dates, bro. bro yeah if you want to come get COVID check me out bro I will be oh yeah I forgot about this this girl I know just posted a nice

that's a good page nice picture of her butt those are buttocks okay I'm sorry about that you're good dude I just started reading texts dude I'm sorry about that you're good dude I just started reading texts dude

I'm fucking retarded remind me no you're not retarded I have something to say about our technology addiction I'll slide in dude I was down there

trying to lay down because of my headache yeah I immediately got when I swallowed that dip I just sat up and looked at my phone again

I just got done being like it's probably from scaring out my phone that was so tough too you're laying there like I got this fucking migraines killing me stood up and like

oh I just swallowed dip like damn dude damn dude Billy's bitch ass he was like how low can you go that fucking piece of shit 17th

17th 18th 19th of December at the Stress Factory in New Jersey. It's a fun, that'll be a fun show. I think you're going to do it. I'm thinking about it still.

All right, let me know. 17 days. I might have the holiday sweater on, dude. Just talk to Voss, man. I might be sipping eggnog. Voss, man, is going to stop by. Yeah, dude, it'll be fun. 17th, 18th, 19th, Stress Factory.

The January 7th, 8th, and 9th side splitters in Tampa, Florida. And then something here. I don't know. Comedy at the Carlson. Whatever the fuck that is. Oh, I remember you talking about that. I don't know where that is. It's going to be awesome.

I have nothing in there about where that is or what that is. Yeah, they can Google it. I'll Google it too. We'll find out. We'll find out together. But yeah, 7th, 8th, 9th,

and I think 10th, actually. So I'll be at Sidesplitters in Tampa. Then I was supposed to be in Canada for two weeks. But the damn coronavirus. God damn it. The blasted coronavirus. Damn, I'm only doing two weekends. December, the rest of the month.

17th, 8th, and 9th, Tampa of January. December 17th, 18th, and 19th, Stress Factory. It's holiday season. In New Jersey. And then it's the holiday season. Put on the sweater. Get your feet up. Put on the sweater.

Get the test. Go home. It's time for me to take it easy. Dude, for sure. You know? Go get the sweater on. Boy, I need a haircut. So do I.

I need to get my ears lowered as well. Just getting out of control. I was actually... I'll save it. I'll save it. Save it for the Patreon. Join the Patreon. Help us.

I had a good idea for a barber, but I'll save it. I'll save it. I'll save it. You got a good barber idea? control. I'll save it. Save it for the Patreon. Join the Patreon. Help us. I had a good idea for a barber. I'll save it. You got a good barber idea? Yeah I'll save it. I'll save it. Save it for the

Patreon. I will say too we're doing Stoner Dads Saturday. Oh nice. We're going to do Stoner Dads.

Just throw it up on YouTube. Bring the boys in. I got a whole we're going to deck this room out. Black lights. How come you only

do cool things for the Stoner Dads and not me? You don't like black lights dude. I would fucking love black lights in here. Are you kidding? We'll toss some black lights on. I cool things for the Stoner Dads and not me you don't like black lights dude I would fucking love black lights in here are you kidding

we'll talk some black lights I want the lights off every episode oh fuck you're gonna be gone this week are you gonna be gone this week yeah I'm gonna be back in the big city bro

I was gonna say expanding the brand we're expanding the big time we have a fucking crazy venture going on I won't be expanding the brand on Saturday we have a crazy venture dude

it's gonna be basically black lights I bought a tapestry off of it's my birthday you haven't even said anything you're gonna be out hanging out expanding the brand on Saturday. We have a crazy venture, dude. It's going to be basically black lights. I bought a tapestry off of... It's my birthday. You haven't even said anything. You're going to be out hanging out with the other friends. Saturday is your birthday. Friday is my birthday.

Friday is your birthday. You can't hold me to it, dude. I'm autistic, dude. I only know my birthday and my mom's. I don't know anybody's birthday. Plus or minus a day. I don't know one. My mom's a 30.

It's actually my sister's birthday today. Is it really? I just got a text. Happy birthday. Happy birthday. Yep. Happy birthday, Katie. Happy birthday. Happy birthday. Yep. Happy birthday, Katie. Happy birthday, Bobathy.

Kathy, big mouth Kathy Bass. A.K.A. Fort McGuire. A.K.A. big mouth Kathy Bass. A.K.A. the river rat. A.K.A. the swamp donkey. Yeah, Saturday we're going to do that it'll be pretty tough yeah that'll be cool

I mean again there's always a scheme so you got Butterly and Sid classic stoner dads bring the volcano you guys talking weed parenting

jujitsu as high as possible with the black lights on and just turn on the camera especially you with no brakes that's what that show is pretty much it's like you've

you do a show where you're surrounded by two dudes that are like all in a show where you're surrounded by two dudes that are like all in on your ideas. You're like, finally, I can let myself go.

Yeah, that's cool. Standard ads will be funny. Nice. Check out Psych Nol. Go to psychnol.com. You're blessing me, dude. Check it out, bro.

It's tight. I went. I'm working on a new module. Logotherapy. What's that about? Bro. Talk about the, I think it's called the noogenic environmentotherapy. What's that about? Bro. Talk about the, I think it's called the noogenic environment. Save it for the page, dude.

Save it for the page, dude. Between thinking about fucking currency and the noogenic environment and how much history has repeated itself in terms of social control, it's just like, oh my God. I got to get out. All right. I'm getting a migraine. I'm getting a migraine. I should.

All right. Thank you for listening to our podcast.