Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 328- Undercover Homeless

Episode Date: December 15, 2020

Dude, sh*t yeah man. We just sat down and freaking did this one, riding off this crazy chill vibe that eventually led to us discussing THE SYSTEMATIC MURDER OF OUR HOMELESS IN THE NAME OF PREVENTATIVE MEDICINE (AKA SCIENCE!!!)  Topix include: Minks crushing rats, winders vs piles, fiber gummies, gay pleasures, Iranian Doctors and so much more of these topics

silent one and we're in we need a good we're supposed to have a silent two one but i'm not going to split hairs yeah there's no point we're still training them there's no point to split hairs like this we're still training these guys stand industry standard five four but you know they don't teach you this stuff in film school dude we gotta learn that we gotta learn in the street learn the hard way what up dude nothing how you doing i was letting you work that work that i want to see where you're going with that i was part of it i was on the ride for that wearing the same hoodie tight yeah tight i got a good shirt on underneath i might pop out for the patreon black shirt too no i got my kyle larson on oh you got a lars on underneath. I might pop out for the Patreon. Black shirt, too? No, I got my Kyle Larson on.

Ooh, you got a Larson? That's my Young Money. Young Money. That is his nickname, right? Yeah, Young Money. That's awesome. Young Money got kicked out of NASCAR for saying the N-word on a live stream. Dang it! He's back in, though, isn't he?

Now he's back. Because NASCAR has lower standards than comedy. Yeah, NASCAR is like, what is it, like a two-month suspension? He was out just for one season.'s it was like a year yeah is there when's nascar's off season winter i have no idea yeah take the winters off yeah hang with the kids go home say the n word on a live stream report back to camp damn dude who did he have to he have to talk to? They're sponsored by giant corporations. Yeah. So who's his sponsors on his car?

Now? Monster Energy Drink. Yeah. Red Bull. A million companies. It's a NASCAR. Pfizer. Yeah.

Can he be sponsored by America? I think the vaccine sponsors Kyle Larson. I think Pfizer does sponsor a car. Do they really? Yeah. There was a Viagra car for a while there's some farms big pharma gets in there for sure for show how about you somebody who just pissed on your house is that what yeah i got the call someone uh someone was taking a piss on the house so yeah bae was upset took care of it i mean she was saying it was almost like perverted yeah she took she handled this but she was saying uh some guy was like peeing on the house like while peeping in the window which is

kind of you can do either or you can't do both at once it'd be all right super aggressive to pee and spy he's a squirter he's probably like just looking at someone else's kitchen screwing he did probably like my layout, dude. I've seen your layout. He's like, they don't even wear shoes inside. True. He saw the slippers. Lost my damn slippers.

What happened? I fucking lost them. I don't know where the hell they are. We should be executing homeless people. That guy should have been gone to down. Yeah. On the spot. There was a guy.

Can't fuck around anymore, dude. Yesterday, I went to get coffee. And first off, went to get cold brew. Yesterday was warm enough that I wasn't shamed by... Random people will shame you for cold brews. Who? People will be like, yeah, it's a little cold out. It's cold out. You're still getting a cold brew?

It's freezing out. I can't believe you're getting a cold brew. I can't believe they're doing... It's like the opposite of people with hot coffee. They're like, dude, come on. I know people who shame other people for getting cold brews. You just can't win with a cold brew. Either you have a coffee hard-o being like,

dude, drink a hot coffee. What are you hot? Everybody always... Nobody advocates against hot. That's what I'm saying, yeah. It's always if you get a cold brew, people are upset. Yeah, why? Just let me live. Yeah, exactly. Cold brew is awesome, too. People get mad when it's It's always if you get a cold brew, people are upset. Yeah, why? Just let me live.

Yeah, exactly. Cold brew is awesome, too. People get mad when it's cold out, and you get a cold brew. People are like, what are you doing? It's like, I like the taste. I prefer a cold brew. Yeah. It doesn't matter.

If I saw somebody order a beer at a bar, and I was like, yo, it's winter. What are you doing? Yeah, exactly. Don't drink a cold drink. That should get off my... Anyway, so we're going into this coffee shop and just a homeless guy

just standing right out front screaming, spitting at everybody walking by. Yeah. And I was like, man, it'd be great if the cops just pulled up and killed him.

Or just set loose. The cops rolled up or just put him in the back of a van. If they're like, all right, come on, bud. And everybody never saw him again. They got someinks dude minks need to come into the city i get some minks on that root out all the hunt we just i i showed these guys what i've been getting into

lately which is youtube videos of ratting dude which is terriers killing rats and then i remember the mink there's a mink guy minkery the mink mink mink henry is it mink henry mink henry mink? There's a mink guy. Minkery. The mink, mink, mink Henry? Is it? Mink Henry. Mink Henry. Mink Henry. Mink Henry. LLC.

There's a guy that gets minks, and then he uses them to kill rats. And it's good watching. Well, it's a good team. He's got a good dynamic between his dog, which is, you know. Boss. Boss. Whip it, mix. And then I can.

Bear. Bear the mink. One of the minks. Bear. I think Bear is Otto's son. He Mink. One of the minks. Bear. I think Bear is Otto's son. He's obviously Black Mamba the Mink. Yeah. And then there's a bunch of made up Native American names.

Yeah, dude. It's like this is... This one is... Hoppa. This one is... Hata. Yeah, the one was like Hata. That's Native American for white chin.

I don't think so. Sure it is. I don't think they had white chins. Sure it is. Guy who hangs out with minks. Anyway, when this guy was in high school, he heard that minks, you couldn't even take care of them. And he was like, challenge accepted.

True. I'm going to raise these minks right. Teach them discipline, hard work. And then he just... So people will be like, hey, our barn's infested with rats. And he'll be like, I'm on my way. Don't even say anything else. And they're're like did you bring the poison to kill him he's like i got a fucking pickup truck full of minks i'm just gonna let him out one at a time and then there's videos of him killing like 260 rats dude it's all the dog and a mink he keeps

him in like little pvc huts and opens it up. It's pretty tight. Yeah. And he looks exactly like our friend, Ahamed Weinberg. He does, actually. Fan of the cast, Ahamed Weinberg. Could be Long Lost Kin. Big fan of the cast, Ahamed Weinberg. Yeah, dude.

Loves the cast. Also, you know who else does? Mechie Leeper. Loves it, dude. Can't get enough of the cast. Just talked to him the other day. Really? How'd you talk to him?

He's tough to get a hold of. No, he was on a messaging app. He was on a very encrypted messaging app. Yeah, he went through WhatsApp so the government couldn't get him. I was like, what are you doing in the underworld, bro? Wait, where was he? Was he on Discord? Not even Discord.

He was on one of those encrypted ones people go to do dirt on. And you saw him on there? I saw him on there. You just ran into him in cyberspace? How'd you see that he was on? He went on one of the things that people go on when they're worried about like the government looking at their phone so obviously i'm on there and i look i see maggie lee i was like what the hell oh it shows you people in your context join join i'm like what are you doing down here sneaky leafies is in there

exactly dude actually you should you should watch out because he is he's you think he's a sneaky leafy he could be a terrorist he's probably got tired of people being like, dude, you're not even Muslim. Shut up. You think he's been radicalized during COVID? I think he got radicalized by white people being like, shut up. You're not even a real Muslim. Oh, man. I might have to keep an eye on him.

He's going to be mad. We talked about him. The sneaky levy. Man, I am. He's going to put mad. We talked about him. The sneaky leepies. Man, I am. He's going to put out a fatwa on you, dude. I have a fatwa. Big fucking fatwa, dude. Oh, I got crushed.

DeRosa crushed me. How? And it's one of those insults that just stayed in my head. What did he hit you with? Well, he'll like call me fat pretty often. And I'm usually very mean. I'm as mean as i can be back if i get hit with fat gloves are off it's a pa dude for sure borderline ol depends how it's said if it's said like funny sure i'll take it it's a pa i'll remember for someone's like a fat fucker i'm like

filed away then an hour later i'm like, ha ha. Filed away. Then an hour later, I'm like, yeah, your fucking career is up. But, he was like, you look like shit, bro. He like was saying, we were fucking with each other and he's like, Peloton,

you've been talking about doing a Peloton. What's Peloton? A fucking candy bar? And I was just like, for some reason, calling Peloton a candy bar. It's been in my head

for three days now. Or been saying all the time you spent on the Peloton was just you munching's been in my head for three days now. Or I've been saying all the time you spent on the Peloton was just you munching at Snickers. Yeah, dude. Yeah, it was a good one.

Would he crush you in person? Was this on? It was on. He would never dare in person. So he hits you on the phone? Yeah, we call each other to be mean. Just to gas each other up?

Yeah. And it usually ends with somebody typically me taking it too far. Yeah? Usually I say something too far. What'd you respond with? He's got big tits, so I've been threatening to titty fuck him.

True. Let's fuck him. Dude, I'm fat. I'm good fat, though. You're built like, he's built like a weird, like... Like a hormonal thing? Yeah, his is very gay. He's like a gay.

He's like, I'm not fat. I'm just, like, flabby. I'm like, no, you're gross. That's the conversation. And then it's usually like, all right, man, I'll talk to you later. It's just 10 minutes of that. But yeah, calling the Peloton a candy bar. That's pretty funny.

It's been stuck in my craw. When do you think he got it? He probably thought about that, waited. It sounded like it was on the... Oh, really? That's what made it funnier because he was like, you've been talking a big game about this Peloton of candy bars? It wasn't a great joke. That was pretty fucking funny.

It's just very funny. That was very funny. Yeah. Just accusing somebody of secretly hitting candy bars is so funny. Candy bars is hilarious. That's the funniest type of food. Yeah, but he was all worried about... I should have been more worried about COVID.

Coming in here with a headache. True. I risked everybody's life here. Gladly, dude. Thankfully, I was rapid tested the next day and full tested and both negative. I got the real one. I saw your paperwork, dude. I don't know what kind of doctor is writing pencil.

The doctor is down there with the Ticonderoga, dude. That was the real one. I saw your paperwork, dude. I don't know what kind of doctor is writing pencil. The doctor is down there with the Ticonderoga, dude. That was the real test. That guy. Yeah. That was an interesting crew. That was two, like, Iranian dudes. First off, the doctor's in, they wear, like, street clothes underneath their, like, smocks. Yeah.

And the smock, whatever that paper thing is, is see-through. Like JNCOs? No, he's wearing, like, a tight black, like, V-neck with, like,ocks. Yeah. And the smock, whatever that paper thing is a see-through. Like JNCOs? Or was he wearing? No, he's wearing like a tight black like V-neck with like jewelry. What? Yeah, they dress like

dudes at like mall kiosks. They are the mall kiosk guys. They just got it. Except doing COVID. Yeah. And you pull up and they're like, you want COVID test?

COVID test. Like they yell at you. No. Oh, fuck. Let me see one nail. I'll do a little COVID test on your one nail. Yeah, spray it.

Your girlfriend, your girlfriend would love this. You try this. Take me see one nail. I'll do a little COVID test on your one nail. Spray it. Your girlfriend would love this. You try this. Take this to your girlfriend. Stick it up her nose. But I got the antibodies test and then the fucking thing in your nose, which either you guys got. That thing stinks. Yeah, it sucks.

I haven't gotten. That was the first time I got the real one. I got the little swab thing for the rapid test. That's nothing. Although, I got fucking crushed by it. Some lady rocked me on that one, too. Really? Yeah.

I don't like anything in my nose, dude. I told you I went to Jersey. I like some things in my nose. Sorry. That'd be funny if he just came out and he's like, Bro, do you want to bump the coke? Bro, do you want to bump this? did you do coke before the rapid test he just holds it back out to you like oh thank you uh yeah they gave me suave myself in new jersey she that's what they

try to do the iranians they handed me one and they were like all right go ahead and i got it as far as i personally could go and i was like how? He was like, you're not even close. He literally said not even close. And I was like, well, then you have to do it. I can't do it. How much does it cost? You have to go and divulge nuclear secrets? And they're like, here you go.

Do I, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here you go. Like, yo, I'm trying to lift the sanctions. Help. Help. But no. New York has it.

It's free. Oh, really? You can say I don't have insurance and the test's free. What the hell i'm gonna go try that it's communism at work true i was excited i was like i'll just pay i was i was eager to be a stand yeah i was like dude let me give you money for this yeah you know no no no no no no no we cannot take it really no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no but so this guy first these iranians they were giving me some bad vibes dude like what step one into the urgent care in the middle of like queens so not the highest they didn't go to fucking

harvard yeah these guys went to fucking phoenix yosemite online or whatever you were talking about earlier they got the password from a friend and learned how to do this. But he started talking to me. I was, he like started making like small talk with me and we were talking about the vaccine. Yeah. And he was like,

it's a fucking waste of time. I was like, sweet. Go ahead. Yeah. Please go on. He was like, it mutates too quick.

Pardon me. I have a COVID. me. I have COVID. No, I have the nicotine gum in right now. To make you cough? Yeah, it burns. It stings a little. Really? Mm-hmm.

That's good. That's the burn I need. Do you really? I need constant pain in my mouth. Yeah. I just love people jamming shit in my mouth. Yeah. You get a buzz. If you ate one of those pieces of gum that i have you'd feel guaranteed you'd feel you get bubbly guts dizzy

as hell bro all right so anyway the guy says i got a couple things in regards to farts and butts too so that's coming next you got fart talk yeah i've been crushing fiber gummies in the morning for some reason fiber gummies i just felt like doing it, dude. I was at the... So I left all my vitamins, all my essential vitamins back home. The pack? Yeah, all my vitamins. Dude, you're at risk. I know.

So I had to go buy new vitamin D. Yeah. Vitamin B. Vitamin C. So COVID stands a chance. COVID's not even close. And then I was like, fuck it. Here's some garlic.

Tossing that in the mix. Nice. Fish oil. I've been crushing that. That's why I'm fucking yoked right now. You look good, dude. Thanks, man. You're fucking glowing.

My farts are the ones telling the true story here. Did you have a fiber gummy fish oil fart? No, I got fiber gummies. So I've just crushed two of those in the morning. You just uncork dumps all day. Yeah, the good. How big are these gummies? Little squares, the normal gums.

Whoa. But it's just fiber. You get a ton of fiber in your mouth. Damn. You just, crap, dude. You're just uncorking. I've just been, like, I'll just be hanging out and be like, oh, pardon me, I have to go to the bathroom.

Pile, dude, a horse pile. Full horse pile. You've never seen anything like it. So your tail's coming all the way up. Bro. What the fuck? I'm breaching water whoa you drop piles dude i crush it's probably bad for you this is probably bad no way but yeah i've been crushing fiber in the morning and then that's just resulted in pure horse piles for the rest of the day oh my god i've been walking around dropping all files all

right so this iranian you drop a pile in the COVID test? Excuse me, sir. Pardon me. No. I got to drop a pile. Pardon me. I have to pile out. How deep is your bowl? Because I don't want to breach it.

I. But yeah, he was saying it mutates too quick. In this Iranian doctor's opinion, the. Because he was like, I've had people tested with the antibodies they get sick they still get sick because it does mutate it's like the reason you get your flu vaccine once a year is because it mutates slower and you need to redo it every year something like that yeah i don't know what the fuck's going on yeah but he was like an anti-vaxxer covid tester it was a hell yeah it was a real confusing day because then when i got the

antibodies there was like a slight amount of this possible antibody that means i had it or like was in contact with it currently yeah but it was enough that he jotted down in pencil not present well you also had you said it was like one of those things were like it was like a pregnancy test were like two lines yeah an antibody that's what it is you had like a faint one line very faint you should have peed on it very neglig You should have peed on it a little longer. Very negligible. You should have peed on it and been like, let's see. I wonder if it's in your cum.

COVID, for sure. That's where all these, yeah, DNA, antibodies. Definitely, dude. I should have jizzed on it. You should have came in a, I'm going to start cumming in a cup every time I go to the doctor. Yeah, and just being like, oh, here, I forgot this. They do hand you the pee cup and just be like, no doubt, and just come back. And they're like, yo, just come.

Just have a Ziploc bag. I didn't know. People should start doing that for piss tests for sure. Like for drug tests for work. Just coming in it? Like, yeah, sneak a condom of jizz in instead of somebody else's piss. Like cake icing. You got to fill it to a certain line.

I told you when I doctored a drug test one time at work, I split the pee with my buddy. And then we came out and I only had enough just to pass. So we both came out with cups that were like this much pee. We're like, here you go. They were like, what the fuck? Yeah, it's like, no, you're lying. They would squirt it into their mouth. We had like that much.

I'm going to start peeing and then coming into it. And they're like, what the fuck? Peeing. Wait, what do you mean? You're going to piss? Pee in the cup. And then jerk off. And then jizz into it in the hand in the cup. And they're like, what the fuck? Peeing. Wait, what do you mean? You're going to piss? Pee in the cup and then jerk off. Jizz into it

and hand in the cup and they're like, what the fuck? Just mix it around a little. Just fucking emulsify it. I like it. I like the plan. But so the Iranians,

I'm negative both ways. Then I went to Brooklyn. Did you get the antibodies? No, I don't know. He asked me to come back. The Iranians were interested in what I was up to. You're a test subject. I might be. I might be. They're going to strap you to the antibodies? No, I don't know. He asked me to come back. The Iranians were interested in what I was up to. You're a test subject.

I might be. They're going to strap you to the table, dude. It's like Luther Corp. They're going to strap you to the table. It might be like this guy has something. For sure. You might have had the cure. I was negative.

Yeah, I could be. I am legend. Just gummy vitamins, dude. They're like, what's going on? I'm like, I'm just fucking crushing fiber every morning. They crap it out. They're crapping out. It's a nice thing. It's like whenever I would have, every once in a while I would eat vegan with a lady.

Yeah. And then the crap, it feels like those levels of crap. Oh, dude. Of like, when you eat like just a vegetarian meal. Yeah. And you just uncork it. It's borderline gay pleasure. I wasn't going to say it, but I'm glad you did.

I'm saying. It's coming out. I had a gay pleasure this morning. I took a bullwinder, and it was a bullwinder. It was a big bullwinder, dude. And then it was like a pile. People get upset when we talk crap. People hate crap talk.

Hey, man. It's just life, dude. So you took a bullwinder bullwine had slight gay pleasures of course i had gay pleasure i took gay pleasure my bullwinder i mean dude again the theory is if it feels good going out if you could hit the rewind fast forward rewind fast forward on that thing you'd be like oh it's coming back in oh no it's going out but i need to find someone with an appropriate crap size dong you need a fiber gummy size dog no fiber gummies gives you a good fucking shrimp basket so you need a bunch of little dick shrimp baskets yeah uh but yeah dude here's a gay pleasure that

was making me laugh one time one time i one time i couldn't achieve an erection and a sexual partner tried to finger my butt and i I was like, no, stop. Stop what you're doing. Stop trying to finger me. And then she was like, why? Why not? And I was like, I'm not just going to lay here with a soft dick and just get fingered. Just lay it on my...

It's like, yeah, after dinner we went back, she fingered me. That was it. It's like, welcome to the life of every eighth grade girl. That was it. I just laid there and he fingered me. We made out and he fingered me. I don't know how I feel about it now. I don't want to tell anybody.

Yeah, it kind of hurt. They were bad at it. Yeah, girls are hot to get up in the butt, dude. They want in. They need you to have gay pleasures. They do. And the more you don't like gay pleasures, the more they want to touch your butt. Yeah.

I mean, imagine being a girl. It must be so fun to get a guy into gay pleasures. Be like, you fucking asshole. Amber Rose did it to Kanye. Yeah. She got him into gay pleasures. And then he went Christian. Oh, yeah.

He went Christian. He gay pleasured out hard enough that he was like, we got to stop with abortion. He converted. He said, we need life. She gotd out hard enough that he was like, we got to stop with abortion. He converted it. He said, we need life. She got far enough off, and he was just like, phew. Eight million black babies killed a year. That's a lot.

That was a three-finger stat. He was like, oh, God. Oh, so many doctors. Margaret Sanger. Yo, I've been big into one of my favorite rappers, Jay Electronica, has an album. It's been out for a while, but a lot of the songs are old as fuck. They're from YouTube 15 years ago, and it's on his album this year. But you would really like it.

Yeah. I forgot to tell you this. What's he up to? Jay Electronica, it's a full black Israelite album, and it's like jay-z it's him and jay-z most of the songs and it's pure black israelite even jay-z like hops in on a little he's like inshallah i'm the fucking man like he's i didn't know jay-z was muslim is he muslim he's there he's really lying on these tracks he's just hitting something but some of the some of the songs are songs are like 10 years old at least. I know that they're 10 years old. So I bet Jay-Z's a little bummed that they just released this album now.

You know, like 10 years ago he was down to publicly be like, Yo, we're the true Jews for sure. The rock nation, baby. Like 15 years later they released it. He's like, sorry about that. Cardi B got in trouble for appropriating Hindu culture. In one of her, I think one of her sneaker commercials. Did she have a swastika?

No, she didn't. She didn't appropriate that. She dressed as one of the goddesses of like one of the Hindu goddesses. Sluts? Yeah, I think the god of sluts. The goddess of sluts? She was like the goddess of shoes but she was like they told me

just jerks like 10 guys off with arms different arms yeah she came out and was like i'm so sorry i i should have uh i didn't realize i was offending the hindu cult and it's like she doesn't give a fuck this lady he was talking about like she's

like you know again it's all like, I'm going to fucking suck your husband's dick and murder you. I'm so sorry. I do take Hinduism very seriously. Just let her, just let her go. Just let her be. Yeah.

I don't care. I don't care. Yeah. I talk constantly about like adultery and I'm going to be like, well, when it comes to the Hindu gods, that's where I draw. It's so fucking funny,

dude. And then people, yeah, people be like, Oh, look, disrespected again. It like shut up shut the fuck up imagine being a like that fucked your day up like oh the new cardi b clothing line is out or whatever the fuck is that emma rejita oh fuck fuck what yeah they're like that's what people don't understand

happens all it was like you read all the tweets about it it was just like they were probably so excited too happens all the time to us man

it's not easy being a Hindi fuck man the black man's always fucking with us Latino Latinx

are always Latinx women are always fucking with our shit stealing our cool cartoon gods dude and fucking using them for commercial

you've stolen their cartoon goddesses on who oh Savita Bobby no Savita Bobby is not oh she might be one yeah it's a hindi babe dude

you've had gay pleasures to hit Savita Bobby any cartoon pleasure is gay pleasure gay pleasure yeah even if it's the straightest hottest cartoon it's still gay pleasure it's gay pleasure no for sure yeah I've had gay pleasure. Gay pleasure. Yeah, even if it's the straightest, hottest cartoon, it's still gay pleasure.

It's gay pleasure. No, for sure. Yeah. I've had gay pleasure to anime a couple times. Never got into technical. Not technical. Technicle. Tentacle?

Tentacle porn. Tentacle. Yeah, sorry. Yeah. No, me neither. Never got into it. In fact, it always made me kind of mad. Really?

If ever I was like, every once in a while, the recommended will somehow toss it. Or you click a porn and then the similars yeah or whatever the next videos is like tentacle or something weird like yeah it bothers me that that's even in there yeah it starts to make you ask questions like what the fuck what am i watching i'm watching a i'm watching this young teen on an audition she thinks it's a fitness clothing company. I got news for you. It ain't. Yeah, they got to change the name of that. It's really funny to think about that for real.

Someone's like, all right, let me see you do a push-up. All right, let me see your butthole. And you're like, all right. Yeah, I wonder how many of those are real. None, right? I think it's illegal. All those casting couch things.

Oh, are their faces blurred out? I guess they signed it. No, they're like, all right, we got to see you naked illegal. All those casting couch things. Oh, are their faces blurred out? I think it would be illegal. I guess they signed an release. All right, we got to see you naked. We got to see you fuck. Yeah. None of those are real. Yeah, I would hope not.

It's all the script. That'd be a bummer, dude. Some of them are bad actresses. Or good enough actresses. I'm like... Could have been tricked. Now I'm interested. She might be getting tricked right now.

I'm sorry for making fun of you about stuck porn. Why? Stuck porn rules. Yeah, I peeped it months ago. It was like... Now it's old hat. I'm sorry she might be getting tricked right now I'm sorry for making fun of you about stuck porn why? stuck porn rules yeah I peeped it like months ago it was like now it's old hat Shane's on to something yeah

stuck porn rules it's honest yeah I was like you're on to something man that's some fucking rules trying to think what I'm on now dude did you ever fuck with

challenges like do not cum challenge yeah except I'm trying to come. I'm literally jerking off. It's like. Oh, when it tells you how to jerk off. It tells you how fast to go.

I don't play along that. Like Guitar Hero. That's what it's called. It's like Jerk Off Hero or something. Cock Hero. Yeah, I saw you nodding your head back there. Then they tell you to go slow. It's like, I just want to do ultra-fap the whole time.

Dump, dump, dump, dump, dump, dump, dump, dump. Dump, dump, dump, dump. Dude, it's so fucking funny. Dump, dump, dump, dump, dump, dump, dump. You like that? Do you follow along? Do you follow along? I try.

I know you follow along. Oh, 100%, dude. I don't fucking, I don't break protocol. You like the games. You like games. I love games, dude. You love sexual games. Oh, dude, I love, that's gay pleasure. Hearing dump, Oh, 100%, dude. I don't fucking, I don't break the protocol. You like the games. You like games. I love games, dude. You love sexual games. Dude, I love, that's gay pleasure.

Hearing, dum, dum, dum, dum. Oh, I have to do slow now. The video's telling me to go slow. The video's telling me to go slow. Even though the guy who made it was some guys dictating the pace, which I'm jerking off. There's a bunch of scientists around him like, oh, wow, he's reading. My Iranian doctors are in there like that's what they're fucking up to those guys they were they were that guy was he fucked me up he got me

worried about that's why i went took a rapid test right after that so you went that's when you went to brooklyn that was the real one and then the next day i took a rapid test because the way the goddamn iranians handled true my nuclear secrets they were very like have you would have caught if you've had no symptoms like they kept asking over and over again I was like I told you I had a headache yeah and then it went away but they were just like okay he kept fucking being like are you sure because this test looks like you it like and then he was like oh they probably get paid or something maybe I don't know he was asking me to come back really yeah it was I come back probably get paid or something. I don't know. He was asking me to come back. Really? Yeah, he was like, come back next week.

They probably get paid per test. Maybe. Because if they're doing it for free, there's some sort of grant that's paying them. That was when I was at that social work agency. If somebody came in and signed up, they got $200. So you'd be like, come on, get back in here today. And people would just come through and be like, sign a paper. And they're like, when can I get an apartment?

It's like, dude, you make $200 a month. you'll never get an apartment let's keep coming in signing the sheet you're never gonna live anywhere dude you're in a halfway house for you're in a fucking full way house dude you'll be outside of a coffee shop screaming until hopefully someone collects you in a van oh yeah dude it was really sad man they'd show you like these little scraps of papers and be like i'm like dude you're working with like two you're cool 250 a month bro it's like there's you're this is like dude the homeless in new york what about all-time high right now as far as whiling out they're just going nuts dude they're fucking from day one they've been like like o'connor was talking about earlier i remember like just they're finally like they they have superpowers and they know it now.

Like, now everybody's really, like, please don't talk to me. Please don't talk. And now they're just, ah. I mean, this guy was such a motherfucker. And everybody just ignored him, obviously. Yeah. But he's standing in the middle of the sidewalk screaming, fuck you, to anybody that walked by, spitting. And it was a very crowded

sidewalk. So people, you just had to like walk past as quick as you could and yeah. Was he wearing a mask? No. What?

Yeah, that's what I was, I took umbrage with that. You should have pinned him down and put one on him. If I would have beat his ass, everybody would have been like, but no, people would have probably

ignored that I existed as well. You could... I was sitting there like, he probably thinks he's a ghost. You know, just standing there like... And everyone just walks by him. He's probably like, what the fuck is going on?

He should be terrified. Help! Pandemic going on. Dude, I think if you wanted to be if he was finally like can anybody hear me so I was like yeah he was like

oh oh that's all fuck I thought I was a ghost I smoked so much crack I thought I was a ghost there was a ghost there for a minute

but I was also like if we did live in like a dystopian you know if they just if a van pulled up and took that guy away, I would have been like... China?

Get rid of that guy. Yeah, the Chinese government came and were just like... That's not good. Gave me a little... Yeah, you can't just execute homeless people, but... You can't execute them, but... You can put them in a... Round them up.

Round them up. I think you have to round them up i think you have to round it no for real that's how you talk to this is how you how the nazis talk themselves into this they're like they're like well we can't just kill them right you gotta you gotta get them together put them in like a you know like a camp yeah Like a camp. Yeah. A camp. Like a summer camp. Just until we figure out what's going on. We're going to kill them, aren't we?

Well, for the homeless population, you know, what you could do, especially I'm just saying like I love science so much that, you know, and I hate COVID so much that I'm saying scientifically speaking, on purely the basis of like a love of science. dangerous for the spread of code exactly you know pure you know again just just love the way science works what you could do is dress as your homeless and just go around and beat the out of homeless they're like oh my god look at these homeless people fighting just like a godzilla battling mechalodon everybody we should be like hiring ufc fighters put some rags dude puts like an old dirty starter jacket

on them like three different jackets throw them out there be like yo that's true that's how they used to use godzilla yeah dude another monster would show up and they'd be like get godzilla he's got to fight mothra right now we got a bunch of mothras yeah i'm saying in our post-religion society where we're all kind of fending you know we're kind of going towards a greater good now you know we should definitely start not killing homeless people but just kind of put them out of commission you know if the elements take them out yeah we just we can't have we can't we gotta stop the spread so i'm doing my part stopping the spread of coronavirus by hiring professional fighters to dress as homeless people and beat the fucking brakes off these schizophrenic homeless men.

Just fucking choke them out. These schizophrenic veterans that have no families or homes. We need to get rid of them. We need to beat the fuck out of these guys. Just till the numbers drop. And then we can, you know, whatever after that. Once we get the vaccine, we can stop killing homeless people. You know, we just need that vaccine.

But if everyone doesn't take it, Chuck Liddell is going to be fucking... The Iceman. The Iceman is going to be fucking. The Iceman. The Iceman is going to be spearing homeless dudes. Tyson wants to do the League of Legends. We should just instead of that have them. Hire the Legends. Hire the Legends to just Double Dragon style down like Brock 4 Street.

Double Dragon right down the street. Homeless guys come out of a store like. That's awesome. That's very funny very funny seeing tyson just come down tyson and roy jones jr just fucking teeing off on this guy you should have seen this fucking dude i would have loved for tyson to come out and fuck him up oh it'd been awesome they have to well we have to have the fighters announced that they are, in fact, homeless themselves. Sure. Like, Tyson would have to come out and be like, hey, I'm home with also. And people would pretend that it wasn't happening. Oh, yeah. Christine, Jay's chick, Jay's chick.

That's good. What a sexist pig I've become. God damn it. Cut that, LaMere. She's all a homeless guy, homeless guy getting raped by her house. What? Yeah, there's a homeless dude that lived, like, they sleep on the vents. Yeah?

Another homeless dude got a hold of him and was, like, humping him, and she just filmed it. She just sat there and was like, is anybody going to stop this? Yeah. You got to hop in and rape that other guy. We need Tyson to come out true he's been convicted he's been arrested for rape he's immune also got a show on adult swim anyway his crimes are way worse than did he so he raped somebody tyson's had a show yeah how many uh how long just because he's fucking black pretend he's white and see if you want to stand up for him.

It depends. So what did he do? What was the... Actually, I do think he possibly got... I don't remember. Tupac apparently got wrongfully accused of rape. Tupac was in the room? It was in a hotel or something? Oh, he was just chilling?

I don't know. Just chilling with... So he was guilty more of just chilling... Tyson, I think, was found guilty. Really? But, you know, that doesn't... Who knows? I don't want to besmirch the man, because Tyson does rule.

And I saw a journalist try to bring that up to Tyson. Yeah. And Tyson was not happy about it. I fucking bet. He was on, like, a morning news show, and the guy was like, well, you've been arrested for rape. And he was like, you know, you're a real piece of shit, asshole. And he was like, a morning news show and the guy was like well you've been arrested for rape and he was like you know you're a real piece of shit asshole he's like why do you say that he's like you yeah you bring me on you're a real piece of shit so in the tyson case uh

tyson was accused of raping 18 year old beauty pageant contestant desiree washington was found guilty by an indiana jury all right so he's innocent. Indiana jury? Yeah. Tyson's doing his best. He's like, listen, Your Honor, I did not rape that bitch. And they're like, that is not appropriate. This is the Hoosier state, young man. Dude, Indiana jury sounds formidable.

They might have flown in an Indiana jury on Tupac. Like, we need an Indiana jury. Indiana jury is every black dude's worst nightmare that's the bad news oh that's a tough crowd dude it probably like at the beginning of it they're like uh your honor we've reached your conviction they're like we haven't we didn't do the thing guilty yeah the indiana jury they just go back to deliberate they just sit in the room watch fucking jeff donovan for three hours come back out guilty watch puppets yeah indiana's apparently got that rap dude it's clan city bro when i chill in chicago because every now and again if you're from chicago you'll dip to indiana and get some

gas go to gary get some yeah go get some gas real quick but it's like dude the drive or if you're gonna go to the casino there's casinos in Indiana. But, yeah, I know pretty Stanley's. None too excited to drive through Indiana. They're always like, be careful. First off, the cops pull everybody over nonstop there. Motherfuckers, yeah. So I'm sure when they see someone from Chicago coming through, they're like, get the fuck out of Indiana.

They probably hate Chicago. Yeah, dude, if you drive through because i drove from you think they're like chief key free zones they're like chief key free zone i mean dude if you're a guy from indiana and you saw the chief keith music video oh god you'd be like we gotta build a wall we cannot let chief keeps get into. We got to protect our guard. Indiana sucks. They're just always on the lookout for dreadheads in the lobby. They're like. There's going to be some dreadheads in the lobby, dude. Gary, Indiana.

Have you ever seen that? That's where Michael Jackson's from. Oh, that's where they're from? You drive through there. It's like a town of sheds. It's disgusting. Yeah, it's a horrible horrible place yeah man yeah yeah you get to like rural poor populations dude and it's like

whole it's fucked up yeah but but anyway but like you were saying just about the science typically the science behind getting euthanizing our homeless population is looking the studies look promising it would help It would help the environment. Big time. But this is like we talked about in that book, White Trash, and all that. When there's a new world, like the new world, it's basically like us being like, all right, we've got to colonize the moon. Most of the people that go there first are going to die.

Yeah. We should just send all the homeless to the moon. Let them figure it out up there. Hell yeah, suit them up. Just in case there hell yeah suit them up just in case there's aliens up there just in case there's something that needs fought something that needs to be attacked let's get these guys up there that's not about i mean that is yeah that is literally they just sent like debt peons down to fucking uh down to america and they're like all right there's mulch they just mulched america with just poor people. They're like, go fertilize the land with your blood and bones, you peasants.

You owe me money. Yeah. Go fight. There was like a bad year where it rained too much and no one could grow food. They're like, all right, we own you guys now. Yeah. Off to America. You're going to have to go fight bears.

We don't even know what those things are. You were unsuccessful at battling the elements and now we own you. Yeah. It's like, get out there. Take on rattlesnakes. Damn, dude.

They didn't have rattlesnakes. No minks either. They had no idea what a rattlesnake was. All of a sudden, there's snakes hissing at them that attacked you. Oh.

The European snakes would run away. Jesus Christ. The rattlesnakes, like, rattlesnakes will attack you. Like, they'll come after you.

They don't even, oh, Jesus fucking Christ. So these peasants are getting, like, chased by snakes. They're like even... Oh, Jesus fucking Christ. So these peasants are getting, like, chased by snakes. They're like,

what the fuck is this? Yeah, they had fun. And then the natives... The natives showed up and were very nice and giving. A hundred percent. Fruit basket.

Fruit basket. A little cornucopia. A little cornucopia for the gang. There's, like, a megaphone full of bananas. Here you guys go. Oh, great.

Thank you. Great. We're dying dying you brought us pumpkins you brought us squash thank you oh my god i keep getting flashbacks of like i think when we did stunt we did stunner dads this weekend as you know and i know we were talking about jamestown settlement i have no idea what about so we're bringing this this up, and I'm like, oh, fuck. What did I say about Jamestown, dude? Yeah. So high. I'd be interested to hear some Jamestown opinions out of the stoner dads.

I don't remember. I legitimately don't remember. I was having a flashback. Dude, there was one period. It was so uncomfortable. I told it a story. Yeah, the stoner dads were out. So if there's crap on the table, it was a bunch of these goddamn stoner dads.

That's where the plasma ball that doesn't work now is from. But I wish that thing was fired up, dude. It looks so cool. That would be nice, yeah.oner dads were out. So if there's crap on the table, it was a bunch of these goddamn stoner dads. That's where the plasma ball that doesn't work now is from. But I wish that thing was fired up, dude. It looks so cool. That would be nice, yeah. I've wanted one of those for a little while. Dude, I mean, you get that thing working. Take it. You can have that, dude.

Yeah. But, dude, yeah, sorry. But not to derail it, but that was a very uncomfortable moment for me. I was telling a story, and I ended up just telling a story that they both, two of the other stoner dads, just turned on me instantly, called me a bitch and a pussy. Why? It was pretty funny.

Why are the stoner dads so tough? All three stoner dads are like badasses. That's just how it is, dude. It's the least. No. You guys got to be more stoner than dad, dude. Well, they were how it is dude it's the least no you guys gotta be more stoner than dad dude well they were they were caught well it's tough dude get the dungarees flying up i know get the dungarees rocking those are all like high shit like i'll kick his ass if he ever fucks with

me i love music i'm also like real good at fighting and i love music and weed dude we uh we were i was talking about well first of all i was telling a story and i told a version of it and then they started trashing me for my reaction and then i started going like fuck was that even what i did because i remembered the other part now you're trying to change genuinely no because i started thinking like did i what was what was the story? So here's the story. We were talking about, like, fuck, now it's all coming back to me, man. We came up with, like, a new fucking slur that's for everybody, that everybody can hear.

Oh, I get it. It's pretty tight. Yeah. But the. What was the slur? Oh, fuck, dude, I can't. I literally can't remember. It was just the N word.

No. Like, it was, oh never mind i literally forget what it was but the uh i was telling a story about how when there was there was a dude at my job this is like 10 years ago there's a guy he tried to like white like have a racist conversation with me amongst like a bunch of like black union laborers and the reaction it's pretty tight the thing the thing. The thing that I said was, and I think I did, I don't know if I did this on this occasion, I think it happened a bunch of times,

but I remember what I said was, I was like, I called the one dude over, and I knew the black dude, and I was like, huh? I was like, yeah,

tell him what you just said. And the guy was like, fuck you, dude, fuck you. Oh, wow. So they're like,

you're a fucking rat, dude. That was a bullshit move. I'm with the rest of the stone exactly i know you that's a fucked up move here is the problem again yes here is the problem they uh so i said that and i was like and then i started going like in this weird tailspin where i'm like am i just going back on this now because then i started remembering i was like i remember that happening i remember like angrily being like my wife's black fuck you and walking away i was like 25 dude so i was like because i remember thinking like i wasn't like i was i was like 25 dude i was fucking gay i wasn't down with racism yet no i wasn't like racism is pretty funny and cool which

is which is funny the guy was genuinely like yeah he was genuinely like an angry racist dude but he uh i remember when i was taking them back, I was trying to. It was like, dude, I had – back then I had just no sense of self. So I would like – I would have – someone would present me with something like that. And I would be like, if my wife finds out, that would be more uncomfortable than this. But honestly, I don't want to kind of like be uncomfortable towards this guy. And it was like – I would just shuffle back and forth like, what's more uncomfortable and deal with things like that? So then I started being like –

You did the most uncomfortable thing. Oh, for sure. A hundred percent. Most comfortable thing would have been, Oh, okay. Thank you.

And then you go, Oh, that's pretty crazy. What you said skedaddle. So we got into this. And then I started being like, dude, how many of my memories do I do not,

do I not know like what you're true and what you're false. And I went down this big rabbit hole and then I was like, am I a fucking liar? Dude, it was, it was just for like 10 minutes of the, down this big rabbit hole and then I was like, am I a fucking liar? Dude, it was, it was just for like 10 minutes of the, towards the end of it. I was just like,

Oh no, it was funny. Wait. So did you actually do that? Did you actually snitch on the guy or do you, do you misremember it? I don't remember. I don't,

that's the whole problem. I don't remember if that was true or if that was something I thought of, or I do kind of remember being like to the one, cause I was cool with the one guy. But it wasn't anything like it was a snitch. Like the guy was like – they came over like, what the fuck did you say about black people? Yeah. The guy was like, huh?

And the dude was like – and then I was like, huh? And then he walked away. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But the – but yeah, that was – I got like – So you were doing it more as a goof? Like you were like – why don't you tell him? What did you say? What did he say?

Well, at the time I remember at a theory being like – Because theory was like dude if you're gonna do it do it bro go all out and you know but it's not a very that's not a cool theory that doesn't hold up no it was it was not it was not like a that's the thing this whole thing always inspires like these what ifs that just go into like the most ridiculous territory I understand. But that was the crux of the situation was false memories and then reporting false memories and being like... But then being like, am I just doubling back on this? Dude, it was an intense moment. It's an intense experience.

You'll see me melting down in black light just like, oh, fuck. Fuck, dude. What did the guy say? Do you remember? I don't think he said it. I don't know. I vaguely remember him coming up and being like,

I remember a guy hitting me with a pretty rough one after a mic at the Comedy Zone. There was this guy, LeMair, I don't know if you were there for that just yet. I know Crick was. But this guy came up after an open mic because Harrisburg Comedy Zone was basically like a truck stop also. Like it was this hotel on the highway.

So like truckers would come through every once in a while. And this dude was just driving his truck and he stopped into the bar and there was an open mic. And he was like, I got some jokes I could tell you. Were you there for that? Yeah, it was Jim and it was Angie's. It was at Angie's. Oh, no, no. That was a different one.

But that one was great. That guy a different one. Okay, okay. But that one was great. That guy really hit it. Do you guys just get plagued by truckers in the comedy scene? Yeah. Our comedy scene, Central PA comedy scene is plagued by a rogue trucker that'll just hit your town and be like, oh, I can do stand-up. What do you call? Oh, fuck.

It's just every punchline's the N-word. It's just like, oh, shit. Every punchline is the N-word. It's just like, oh, shit. And you have to, you know, you're amongst other, you're amongst your comrades. You're fucking, the civilians out there might not understand what it's like to be a comedian. But you got to like be like, hey, don't say that, man. That's not cool.

And then I'll sit in the back like. This guy's the best. How about my weed doctor, dude? Oh, this guy hit me with a, so I got done this show. He comes up. He's like, I'm pretty good. I can tell you some jokes. You're funny. I'll give you some jokes.

He was like, what do you call four hanging from a tree? I was like, geez, dude. Right away. I was like, what? Like, of course I wasn't going to be like, Mississippi wind chimes. I was like, thanks, bro. And then another guy that time got up on the stage at Angie's and started. What did he say?

Do you remember what his joke was? Yeah, he was like, he was driving a truck. We were like, can you hear the brakes, dude? You're like, no. Fuck. Every night you'd be like, all right, we got three more comics. And then outside you'd just hear a tss. You'd, no, fuck. Yeah, but every night you'd be like, all right, we got three more comics, and then outside you'd just hear a tsss. You'd be like, fuck.

We got another trucker. Those dudes. Just driving for 12 hours like, I'm going to fucking kill. I'm going to murder in here. They wouldn't even know they were doing stand-up. That guy, I think, came twice, right? Yeah, he would just come hang out,

and then the last time he just came and dropped the hard-R. Yeah, what was the joke? He was driving a truck, and he got stopped by a cop. He got stopped by cops, and they were like, can we go in the back and check what's in the back? And he was like, yeah. And the cops were like, no, here's a bunch of bowling balls. And he was like, no, those are nigger eggs.

Cops were like, that's hilarious. I'll let you go with a warning. He was like, whew, never heard that one. Cobb's like that's hilarious I'll let you go with a warning he's like never heard that one that's pretty funny I'm gonna write you a warning that's funny

that's actually kind of nice there's like a man I wasn't there for the bowling ball joke cause that's incredible I would've held on to that

he made that up yeah I've never heard that that's definitely an original dude that must be like a bowling alley joke that must be dudes who hang out at bowling alleys He would have held on to that. He made that up. Yeah, I've never heard that. That's definitely an original, dude. That must be like a bowling alley joke. That must be dudes who hang out at bowling alleys. You know what we call those, right?

Like, you know what? Even the pink ones? Yeah, well, you know, we have fun. Yeah, that's just knowing occasionally. Because this is all like highways that are just truck drivers. Central PA is just truck highways. So, yeah, you would occasionally get hit with just a dude that's like, I'm staying in this hotel for the night.

I'm driving from Oklahoma. Or he sees a microphone. He's like, I'm going to say N-word into that thing. That's what those things are for, right? Oh, you guys got one of those N-word machines? You mean a microphone? You have an N-word amplifier? No, that's what you screen the N-word into.

An N-word amplifier? It's funny thinking about the cops seeing truckers like leprechauns in a pot of gold. He's like, ooh, he's got a good N-word joke for me, dude. He pulls them over. He's like, I got you. I trapped you. He's like, ah, you got me. Which one do you want to hear?

You've captured me. I have limitless. Yeah, they must get him over that fucking radio all day. Dude, I used to drive around in a trash truck when I was little with my dad. Dude, the CB radio would go off, and it would just be like, I went down there and talked to that fucking dot head, and you're just like, I remember being like, I was just talking to my dad's arm. I'm like, what's a dot head?

And he was like, it's not a nice word for any. Look, don't tell your mother you heard that. Dude, you would hear another one come up, and I'd be like, what's that one? He's like, don't tell anyone. Yeah, definitely never tell anyone. Don't repeat that one. It's the most powerful word. Son, it's the word that can change your life. Don't ever say it.

Yeah, that was awesome, man. I used to drive around in a trash truck, fucking just munch jerky and hear slurs on the CBb and just be like what was that one dad he was like that's for puerto ricans that one just hit the that's puerto ricans he's like you know i can shift without pressing the clutch down right how do you do that he's like here's a fucking push the thing he still brags about that he's like i mean i don't even need to use the clutch but you know it's good that world rules that world of like who's the biggest badass with trucks like the billy billy oh yeah billy world is billy's on a fast track to screaming the n-word get into an open mic dude he's gonna hit a mic now luckily he's like he's got a taste for the stage now yeah true he's gonna hit a mic and say it you think he's gonna get hit the amplifier plug I think Billy's hitting the amp. Plug in? You think he's going to do it like Jimi Hendrix, dude?

Like the Pledge of Allegiance? Play it upside down. He's the best. He's the best we've ever heard. Dude, the good doctor, the good weed doctor fell prey. I think there's certain people like moth to a flame. They see the microphone. They're like, my joke's different. I can pull this off. I got the angle on it. I think I can certain people like moth to a flame. They see the microphone. They're like, my joke's different.

I can pull this off. I got the angle on it. I think I can pull this off. Yeah, dude. The good doctor was furious with us, by the way. When he heard we were bringing up his maladies. Wait, was he the guy who had the show? The YouTube show?

Do they still do it? I don't think so, dude. He got this bard. We got to find out if they have that show. show the youtube show do they still do it i don't think so dude you guys oh fuck we get this barred we gotta find out if they have that show because if they have the show we could sick our fans dude that happened organically that was that was dude you want to i was i thought i was in a fucking nego prison i told you about that when the guy was on his own show and he was just like puffing weed pens getting stoned as fuck and being like yeah dude here's the other thing about that and someone was fielding questions and being like,

is it true that you said the N-word at an open mic? And he would just been like, here's one thing about me, dude. I just tell the truth. I'm sick of all this lying. The guy's like, did you say the N-word at an open mic? He goes, no, definitely not. They're like, it's saying here you definitely did. And he was like, I mean, what is this thing?

Where is this coming from? Like Matt and Shane's secret podcast. It's like secret? I fucking hate secrets, dude. Just switched it. Dude, it was so fucking cool. He crushed us. And he just sat on a couch for the rest of the time.

He's like, I mean, let's just skip over this, dude. What else do you have? And he was just like, oh, shit, fuck. All in his live stream being like, I mean, what did he say that I said? They were like saying the gist of the joke. Do you remember the joke? It was just basically, why can't I say the N-word? But he just said it.

He was like, I mean, if I did say that, maybe that'd be hilarious. But I definitely didn't. Dude, that was so funny. Hearing him being like, fucking Matt and Shane, secret. Ooh, I got a secret because I can't come out and have a real podcast. It was just like, we got to find out. What's the name of it? I totally honestly forget.

Unless you don't want to name the boy. I don't care about that. I mean, dude. Because it is a funny. I remember watching the YouTube videos and being like, this is very funny. It was just this guy. They did a fisheye lens. Yeah, a fisheye lens.

He went for a stoner dad vibe, dude. He went for the most trippy lens. That was a real stoner dad's podcast. You guys are larping. Calling us posers, bro. You guys are larping. What? The real deal Stoner Dads ends up like that, where it's a fish angle end,

just you and three people walking around. No one's even doing the show. Just people hanging out, walking around. Or it's devolved into a hangout multiple times. Occasionally, yeah. Oh, fuck. They were all hitting dabs, if I remember correctly. Yeah, dude.

They were munching edibles, hitting dabs. At one point, I think he was giving away medical cards. He was like, free. Oh, fuck. They were all hitting like dabs, if I remember correctly. Yeah, dude. They were like munching edibles, hitting dabs. At one point, I think he was giving away medical cards. He'd be like, free medical card. Give it away if you call in. I'm like, I don't think I'm going to do that. Oh, man. It's a sick podcast. Dude, it fucking, it ruled.

I think he got in trouble for, you know what? I'm not going to smite the man. I don't know. All right. He got suspended for a problematic pattern. He gets suspended for a problematic pattern. They said he was abusing marijuana on his fisheye lens podcast. Poor guy.

All right, P. Hopefully he makes his comeback. He'll be at the urgent care giving out COVID tests. He's going to beat your ass, dude. He's going to jam that thing up my nose, dude. Motherfucker. I had it going, dude. Oh, that hurts so bad.

Dude. Fuck anybody. Everybody's like, yo, it's nothing. It hurts for a second. It's fine. Dude, that hurts. It's uncomfortable. Yeah, I wouldn't say it hurts as much as it's just like.

When they gave me mine to do by myself, they're like, put it like an inch and a half up your nose. I was like, basically like a Q-tip in my ear. I was like, there you go, bro. Yeah, yeah. Why am I jamming this thing up my fucking nose? But then, so I've had a rapid test it's just that quick swirl dude i went got rapid tested in brooklyn and this lady fucking was like a hard swirl and i was like oh it was one where i was actually like what are you doing what the fuck are you trying to fight me dude there's some uh yeah man i pulled up i was going to pet smart the other day just to grab some dog food, and they were doing

tests outside. So I just... I wasn't up in the lady's face, but I'm like, can people just come up here? And she was like, what? And I was like, whoa. I got in a fight with an old Jewess. Really? Outside of a Rite Aid in Brooklyn, I guess.

What was her problem? She thought the parking lot was one way. It wasn't. But she was just walking straight in the middle of the parking lot. So I, like, was behind her. Yeah. And then, like, drove around her. And she's like, where are you going?

I started laughing at that. I was like, that's hilarious. And then I parked, and she was standing outside of my car like, that could have been a child in front of me. And I was like, oh, I'm sorry. Like, I hit her with that. I was like, I said I'm sorry. I'm very sorry about that. Well, okay then.

I've never gotten a road rage incident where I was like, well, I'm terribly sorry that that took place. That's so fucking funny. I'm sick. I can't believe I did that. I apologize. You smothered her with a love, dude. You're like, where are you going?

Oh, man. In my head, I was like, around you, you fucking cunt bitch. Fuck you. I'm so sorry. I was like, around you, you fucking cunt bitch. Fuck you. I'm so sorry, man. I was like, I said sorry. Did you hear me say sorry? I had a lady yell at me one time for hawking a loogie. This was pre-COVID.

I came out of Wawa and was like, right on a trash can. You could have got a UFC fighter for that. True. They should have sent Iceman. Iceman should have come out. She came out and was just like, that's disgusting. And I was like, shut up. Fuck you.

Yeah, I was like, shut up. She was like, mech. I was like, what the fuck? I always spit. What the fuck? Yeah, I farted at a cafeteria in college. And a janitor came up. His name was, I'll never forget.

His name was Cash. He always had an airbrush, dollar signs all over his head. Cash came at you? Oh, you know what it was? It wasn't a fart. I blew my nose at the table. Okay. And he came up and was like, that's disgusting what you just –

he got in my ass. He's like, how about you have a little manners? Have a little manners for what's going on around. And me and all my friends were like, Cash is killing you. So that gets in your head. I'm like, fuck Cash. Dude, so he came up for blowing – Cash, I blew my nose at the table and he was like, that's disgusting.

I didn't know blowing your nose at the table was a bad thing. I used to go to like a Thai restaurant. It worked. What Cash said to me worked. I've never blown my nose at the table since. I got shamed. I avoid it. Although I think I just blew my nose while you and me were eating downstairs at the table.

I think I just blew my nose at the table. It was friends and kin. Yeah. Well, I can't lie. Dude, I used to hit the linen napkins at the Thai restaurant restaurant oh you bought like a hanky no i remember my ex-wife was like you can't you can't you're blowing your nose in the tablecloth no there was a linen napkin oh okay they wrapped the thing in and i would just you know it's very spicy food dude it's my nose not not tablecloth but like the nap like the cloth like the wash yes they wash yeah people were just like

dude yeah that's crazy yeah i didn't know i thought it was just i thought it was my napkin for the night i thought i could do whatever like a paper towel rules dude yeah i understand that as well it's pretty gross no now that i now i'm like i would never do that but now i didn't realize i genuinely didn't know you shouldn't blow your nose at the table i knew like farting was like kind of frowned upon. Farting is slightly uncouth. I knew it was like someone might get peeved if you fart. Dude, I ripped as hard as I could the other day.

We were walking the dogs and baby. I love hitting Brittany when we're out. I'll just be like. You got to start eating these fiber gummies. I might have to. I've been ripping. I do an acai bowl almost every day. I make acai bowls for myself.

Hard ones, bro. Really? I'm talking hard, healthy, hearty farts, dude. Really? Like real guttural fucking like... Yeah, dude. I let out a fucking screamer the other day. A little howler?

No, I'm not exaggerating. A seven-seconder. And it was kind of like... You know when you batten down the hatchet with a girl? You're like, get under the blanket. She's like, what? I'm like, I got to fart. I got to tell you this. Before, I'll be like... You know, as. And it was kind of like, you know when you batten down the hatchet with a girl? You're like, get under the blankets. She's like, what? I'm like, I got to fart. I'll tell you this.

Before, I'll be like, you know, as a gentleman, I'll be like, I got to go in the hallway and fart. Sometimes, you feel cuddly. Just do it. Dude, I rolled over and just went. Like, so fucking. Dude, it was like a ship coming through the fog, dude. It was a fucking glacier breaker, dude. How was that received? Got a good laugh. It didn't smell. Critically acclaimed. It's critically acclaimed, glacier breaker, dude. How was that received?

Got a good laugh. It didn't smell. Critically acclaimed. It was critically acclaimed for sure, dude. Nice. Had a nice laugh. Critics have been harsh on my farts. Really?

They've been really. A lot of thumbs. A lot of bad reviews. True. The critics turn around once they know they're going to be with you forever. Yeah, the critics are like. They start to understand your work. They see the humor in it.

Yeah, they start to understand the art yeah wait a second that was actually wait a second these farts are funny farts are funny yeah dude they just love it they like finger in your butt they like you just like like dude i'm pretty sure if i shit my head my if i shit myself in my house she'd be delighted you got your your lady's into you true butt stuff

true so I think all girls I think I would all girls if I shit my pants I think actually everybody

that knows me would be pretty happy about it I think I think you would get one like I think you if you did it multiple times it might be

it could turn off the chicks yeah like if you're trying to like do some P.U.A damn think of your babe shitter pants that's a divorce like a shark if she was like i had i was on my way to the store and i shit my pants i had to come home i wouldn't even flinch dude divorce you think so i'd have the paper what about what if they were like nice like victoria's secret pant like satin expensive panties what if they shit a thong you were doing the laundry that's just a splitter dude if they shit a thong are you talking diarrhea shit their pants are like logged up typically

typically obviously shitting your pants is re but full logs dude having a babe log up log out with some apple bottoms dude oh my god we have to go home you don't feel good diarrhea log i logged my pants i logged the jeans we have to go my lulu lemons are logged the crap logged is that why they started wearing spandex? The spandex probably has a nice barrier. Hold the fucking logs in.

It's like when you shoot a bullet at a wall, it just flattens it. Yeah, people don't know that. When girls get home and take their lemons off, crap just... That's a good podcast. It's a good bit. It's a good bit, dude.

It's just loose change. I think the microfiber just turns the log into just like a tiny thousand little filaments that just float out into the atmosphere they just come they get the pressure from their fat butt against the super tight material just minces it and almost like barely detectable little filaments that just log out i can tell it's good. This is what I know. We got a good bit going. When the two fucking, when those two turds aren't fucking smiling at all.

It's pretty fun. Dude, there's nothing funnier than thinking about your girl logging out at the party. We have to leave. I fucking have a log in my pants. Don't give us your fucking pity laughs, Noah. Don't you dare, Noah. You fucking liar.

You too. The raccoons. You're just here for your hot dogs. I know you too. Just waiting for your dogs. Where we at time-wise on this? That log might have sent the episode into orbit. That was an hour on the dog.

Yes. We knew it dude yes wow that's called a bad episode coming right in your ass sometimes when you make too much content shit starts to suck

I swear I swear by your girl login dude girl your girlfriend or wife true crapping out

partner excuse me one of your sexual partners craps at a party. If my sexual partner, if any one of my partners crapped at a party, I'd leave them there. You think you would ditch them at the party? I would say you have to go home. We have to leave. I'd crap my pants.

I'd say, pardon me? Who's we? What do you have, a mouse in your pocket? Or do you have to go home. They'd say, we have to leave. I'd crap my pants. I'd say, pardon me? Who's we? What, do you have a mouse in your pocket? Or do you have a fucking log? Oh, yeah. What, do you have a log in your pocket? I don't know who we is. It's home time.

Imagine if they made a fucking show like Euphoria, where they had this serious pressing service. Yeah, like cool. There's like the trans chick. There's the fucking girl who's like bipolar and then like one of them shows up it's like i clogged it that'd be the biggest by drake dude that'd be the biggest storyline like that would be the biggest hardship one girl's like i'm addicted to like fentanyl one's tranny transgender transgender hot teen of me excuse me so I'm sorry I mislabeled the

sexualized teen on HBO sorry about that Drake opened her eyes thank you oh I didn't know they made hot young teen underage

that's fucking sick dude they certainly did though oh and they fuck old dads they made that one I didn't know she was made in heaven dude true yep

heaven spent a little more time on her you know true I remember seeing that that was a trap dude that was a good trap Yep, having spent a little more time on her. True. I remember seeing that. That was a trap, dude. That was a good trap.

Euphoria laid some traps. Oh, yeah, dude. They were like, these are all high school chicks. I was like, cautious. I was like, Indiana Jones, take it. They were like, these are all high school chicks. You're not allowed to think they're hot. I was like, I bet you I can. That was Drake's passion project.

He's like, it's not about the age. Drake and Duncans are the two best directors this year. In the last two years. Drake was last year. And the award goes to Lena Duncans. And the award for best directorial debut of a gay show that tricked me into enjoying it is lean mcdonkums and the award goes to lean mcdonkums oh fuck donkums is queen yeah donkums is the queen of the cast 100 dude i kneel every night

to her and just go, my lady. Bless us, Duncans. How many times do you think Duncans is logged at a party? That was supposed to be the debut of girls. And she was like, they're like, nah, bro. Hollywood shut it. We can't open. Hollywood wasn't ready to talk about female crapping.

No, we can't shine light on them fucking logging out. True. Hollywood has not addressed female craps. Adam Driver would have been great to play that role. He'd be like, you logged in your pants? Adam Driver would have been

a very understanding, sweet boyfriend if someone crapped. I log. Well, that's fine. I would log all... Yeah, I'm trying to figure out how to do that.

So, Matt. Yeah, dude, what you got going on? What you got going on? I got some very cool things. Hit it up. I think tomorrow we're going to release that first sketch.

Me and Johnny McKeevy and a bunch of our pals are making a sketch show. It's the first time I've talked about it publicly. True, dude. I will say this. It's hard to come up with a name. The sketch show? For a show. True.

You'll see. It doesn't matter what the name is. If the show'll see. It doesn't matter what the name is. If the show's good, it doesn't matter what the name is. True, true. After a while, like Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast. Yeah. If the show sucked, the name would have sucked. Call it the Chappelle Show.

Pretty close. You'll see. Call it Chappelle 2. Really? That's it. Our show is called Chappelle and Peel. Stop. Hood adjacent.

Is it really? No. So fucking funny. No, there's no set title. I shouldn't have brought up the title. I fucked it up. I shouldn't have even discussed that. Nah, the pressure's on.

It's good to put the pressure on. The sketch show will be good. You guys are going to enjoy it. I think it'll be out tomorrow. We'll see. We'll see. Johnny McKeevy's working on it. Yeah.

True artist. He's in that Adobe premiere? Probably. Oh, man. You could probably help him out. No, dude. I just learned how to split track, to separate fucking video from audio.

That's pretty good. Not bad. Also, this weekend, now that I'm COVID free, for now, I could get it at any moment. This Thursday, Friday, Saturday, I'll be at the Stress Factory in New Jersey. Matt, are you going to be there? No. No, Matt.

I'm going to find a different feature. It'll be someone good, I promise. I think Voss man might stop by. That'd be nice. That's exciting. Old Dickoss man might stop by. That'd be nice. That's exciting. Old Dickie Voss dropping in. That'd be nice. Yeah.

Lemorp will probably stop in. Get Lemorp up there. Get him some wieners. Get him some dogs. Have him scurry off. Although I guess that's an inappropriate animal for me to compare you to. What? Is that hot dog loving marsupial?

They're not marsupials. Oh, raccoons? Yeah. Yeah, they're more from the bear family. Excuse me. They are. They split off from the bear. They're relatives there.

Yeah, they're a bear family. For sure, a bear family. You're fucking excuse. All right. Raccoons, bear family. Although it's all you can mean. Raccoons, Shrek 1. They're fucking Shrek 1 as hell.

alright raccoons bear family although it's raccoons shrek one they're fucking shrek one as hell um but yeah keep an eye out

for both of those things stress factory and me and mckeeby's making a fucking cool thing with our friends it's gonna be nice man thank you for listening

people need it thank you for listening to our podcast also keep an eye on stoner dad's episodes coming out soon you can hear matt tell a story

get ridiculed for it and then back off and pretend maybe that didn't happen that's such a good move to think about it for two days oh that would that's why you're stoned but it was genuinely i was like i was like fuck i was like i think i did that and i was like oh man what if i didn't now am i just like not better if you didn't i know but it was also then it it's I hear you. Then it's like am I a fucking liar? Do I tell fibs? It's my whole personality

a house of cards avoiding just unpleasant moments and it's like Perhaps you fib some everybody fibs. Everyone does fib. There's nothing wrong with just a slight fib.

True. You gotta be very honest with yourself cause I'll fib sometimes and then if I realize I fibbed especially for a gay motive or like it sounded gay,

but there was a gay pleasure coming out of it. If I received gay pleasure from a fib, I'll confess to the fib. Maybe not immediately, but I'll eventually confess to the fib. Dude, that's something I've been doing in terms of like – I gay fibbed on something. What? Even when you just – I'll notice I'll like slightly – I think everyone does this all

the time you slightly alter what you want to say to a person it's like that's dude that's a hard thing trying to be as truthful as i remember my fib not gonna say now it was a while ago but nice i remember it i'll tell you off air i'm ashamed too ashamed to present it publicly dude i've i had like a filmed almost fib. Tough stuff, dude. I had a filmed. These are the frontier. Mine was a filmed fib on here. I confronted it on and it was like, oh, dude, I think I lied.

And I was like, wait a second. No. Yeah. It's funny. I mean, we're just pushing the envelope. When I said Dragula was playing at the TGI Fridays and you were like, wait, you said you put that on the thing. I was like, maybe I did. I forget how it went.

That was a gay fit. Oh, it's so funny. And it's stuck with me since then. It's been two months. I'd be like, did I tell Matt that I was the one playing it? Matt! Why would I lie? He just called me one night like, I didn't put on Dracula

I wasn't the one playing Dracula At the TGI Fridays It was playing already It was the businessman The businessman from Montana Some guy But it was funny And I wanted to take credit

I was lonely I was at the Mall of America For five days I'm sorry I lied Yes End the episode Yes