Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 329- God Rules

Episode Date: December 23, 2020

Nik Oldershaw from the Coward Hour joins the cast and talks about getting paid for medical studies, being homeless, and a bunch of other stuff. Fukkin ruled Support the D.a.w.g.z.@ patreon.com/MSsecretpod Cop Merch @ mssecretpodcast.com/merch/

All right, we're here. Oh my goodness. Stoners, tighten your straps. Matt treated the two stoners for the beautiful Christmas gift. Yep. You guys look good. Deeper, a deeper Christmas gift. We wanted to get you Minion shirts, but...

There was only one site that would give you guys Minion shirts, and it was in Southeast Asia, and I didn't trust it, to be honest. I support them. It would have taken like four weeks. Well, you didn't just get beat on an ice cream maker from Europe. What happened? I got beat for $100. I was going to start making wheat ice cream, and I spent $100 on an ice cream maker.

Dude, haven't gotten it. It's shut down. I got scammed. Where in Europe was it from? I have no idea. It just had one of those nonsense phone numbers, like 23, period, ellipses, 4456. One of their made-up numbers? Yeah, it's, 4-4, 5-6. Like, okay. One of their made-up numbers.

Yeah, it's just some bullshit. They should have gone with us on that. They don't even know if they're, like, a country or they're like, are we all a country? Yeah. They're fucked up. Europe's going back into a dark age. Yes. Yeah, they were really – they're going back to their roots in the Middle Ages of just being an absolute waste of space.

They spent, like, a good a good like 600 years when, uh, you know, you know, dude, when Islam was spreading and Europe was just like, they literally didn't have money. Like they had no money.

They didn't even, nobody had any coin. The government didn't have coins. And they're like, sorry guys. Like the Arabs are fucking killing us. I'm like, all right,

well, yeah, let's go take their shit. Step it up. Kick them out. Get them out of Spain. Make Step it up. Kick them out. Get them out of Spain. Make the fucking

Hungarians fight them off in the Polacks. Those must have been some good battles. The Hungarians and the Polacks?

Yeah, like, yeah. Just a battle of square heads, dude. My head's larger and more square

than yours. Blasphemy. Yes. Oh, Gay Billy's calling. Oh, shit. Straight Billy. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Sorry, sorry.

Yo, chill. We have with us today our guest, one half of the Coward Hour podcast with friend of the podcast, Barn Dog Cark. Barn Dog Cark, dude. And today we have Nick Oldershaw, everybody. What's up, guys? Hey. That's it, man. I don't know.

I've never, you know, we don't play podcasts to video. What's up, guys? Hey. That's it, man. I don't know. You know, we don't play podcasts to video. What's up, guys? Hey. What's up, guys? Before the show, he was like, yo, I know how to do podcasts. I've been doing it for two years. A little about me. Here's our guest.

Hey. Hey. Hey. Damn, dude. Instantly, little Nicky's out. I'm from the deep south. Hey. Hey.

But no, Nick's starting the Baltimore scene. Yeah. So I've known Nick for a long time. I think when we met at that Magoobies open mic. We did meet. You mean Crick? Yeah. He introduced me. Because I knew Crick.

I think I booked him on a show. And you wanted to fight me that night. Wow. How do you think you handled yourself? I thought it was fine. I don't even remember what it was. What happened? I just remember being like, this kid sucks.

You told me that you had just been opening for Louis Anderson. I just opened for him. Yeah. And I was like, well, that makes sense. You look like him. That could have been it. No, that was it. No.

Of course your story is you got a good burn and I was like, well, that makes sense. You look like him. That could have been it. No, that was it. Of course your story is you got a good burn and I was mad. It wasn't like, who's this arrogant pussy? That's what I was thinking. I'm sure that was all. I'm sure I said. Who's this fucking guy? That was the thing that made you ask me if I wanted to go outside and fight you. You pulled his pigtails.

There's no chance. Yeah, absolutely. You met Shane and pulled his pigtails. What do you think I did? There's no chance. Yeah, absolutely. You met Shane in Polo's pigtails. What do you think I did?

I think, I vaguely remember it, but I can promise you there's almost no way someone was like, yeah, you look like Louis Anderson. And I was like, I'll kick your ass. Like that was the first time someone's been like, you know what you look like? All right. I guess we just remember things differently. So you were like, take it outside. And you know me.

I'm a big, yo, let's take this outside. Well, no, because I... First off, we were outside. We were sitting outside. No, but then we went inside. Yeah, we met outside of the patio. Inside the patio. Then we went inside, and I was like, let's get the fuck back out there. Nobody calls me Louis Anderson.

I could have sworn that's what it was but all i remember is i said that and then started talking to somebody else and i looked back at you and you hadn't stopped looking at me and then you asked me this one he's obsessed with you yeah yeah he loves me hey look don't take it out on me because you started bad i'm trying to promote your podcast i know you're look don't forget i'm doing you a favor right now huge favor you're going up in podcasts right now kept reminding me of that the whole time we were waiting for food i went to go get benihana with wood before the show because i was just like i was in cherry hill seeing a friend and he was like yo he's like you want to go get benihana and i was the show. Because I was just like, I was in Cherry Hill seeing a friend. And he was like, yo, he's like, you want to go get Penihana? And I was like, sure, why not?

Food never showed up. I just like sat there and like delicately like wood ordered for me. Yeah. It's very hot. You don't know the wood man well enough. Yeah, dude. Never let that guy take control of the situation. Wood completely took control.

He like, he ordered my soup for me. He ordered my meals for me. So I'm just like sitting there daintily eating soup. Yeah, dude. Well, you only get like two options there It's like yeah the rice or not He ordered for you like you didn't say he wasn't what I have a fight my phone is I don't have service on my phone And my screens cracked so like I could yeah, the menus are all I'm living a living really below the poverty line Were you guys like getting the full experience? We were trying to. We waited

30 minutes for a black Benihana chef, which I didn't agree with at all. Hold on. I don't know what you think this podcast is. I've never been to a Benihana where the whole staff was not authentic. They brought in the sushi trot.

They brought in the sushi trot. That's all I meant. Authentic, dude. They had the sushi trot. They brought in the sushi trot. That's more like it. That's all I meant. Authentic. Authentic, dude. They had the sushi trotters on you. Dude, I saw Black Hulk Hogan on the drive-in. Stop. You ever see him?

No. Yeah, I think he's kind of famous in the area. Is it just a black dude that always dresses like Hulk Hogan? He was on Al Ganey? What? Yeah. How long has he been doing that? I don't know.

I know I've seen him. It's just a wild black dude that's always in. Literally the Hulkamania hat and the blonde Fu Manchu. What? And blonde long hair. And he walks around in like a cutoff. LeMaire, you see him right now? He's pretty great.

Doesn't matter. It was just a nice sighting. That's pretty crazy. And then, how great is this? Sorry to cut off the Indiana story. How good is it when you get in like a road rage altercation and then you guys both laugh? Yeah. It's nice.

There was a black lady on the corner. And I guess I was going too slow through the light because she wanted to walk across. For her, yeah. And she was like, she did like that to me. And while I was driving by, I was like. And her, I made them run. Her and her boyfriend started running around laughing. It was great.

And I was just in the rear view, like, oh, look at that. You gave her a face back? Yeah. It's nice. It's a fun time. So fucking fun. Made them run from the car. Did you, like, speed up at all?

Like, what was. No, I made them run laughing. Oh, I got you. Like, they were like, oh. Oh, a cheat code. Yeah, I see. I, I made him run laughing. Oh, I got you. Like they were like, oh. Oh, a cheat code. Yeah, yes. Yeah, I see. I see what you did.

It's great. I thought you... Oh, made them run across it like I sped up. No. You know, I mocked her and then they ran. I'm like... You can't make a black person run across the street. The only way to make...

They're playing chicken. They're ready to die every time they cross the street. That's so fucking... They're like, I dare you to speed up. The only way to make a black person move is to make them laugh. Is to just have them like Def Jam wild out. Yes Yeah, so it happened just hit her with So you're at Benihana I storm out because the chef's black I don't agree

No wood felt that would I was like, I think I want to be ladies like. He's like, no, no, dude, Shane's going to be fine. He's doing this for you. It's a big favor. And I'm like, all right. I'm like, okay. Of course. That's what I'm saying. And I was like, yeah.

I was like, yeah, I'll just text him and I'm going to be late. He's like, I think you should actually leave right now. And I was like, you just said it was fine. I don't want to leave now. This is like a big opportunity. He stopped making eye contact with me. He just started giving me directions while looking into his lap. It's funny. like a big opportunity this is he stopped like making eye contact with me he just like started like giving me directions while like looking into his lap it's funny he's like the podcast gets up

to like 150 on itunes you're gonna want to hurry y'all not miss out on this so he told me he's like he's like i'm gonna get your food he's like i'll deliver your food to you later i'm like where where are we gonna fucking meet up so he's i he I guess has my Benihana food right now in some kind of container. So you guys ordered Benihana takeout? No, no, no. We were ready to like get, you know, the fucking onion volcano and everything. Yeah. And like get served and stuff.

He was like, he ordered for you and then ordered you to leave. Yeah, it was really fucking weird. You might have to suck wood. It's just hot, dude. He basically 50 Shades of Grey'd you. Really? I was trying to figure out his intentions the whole time. I was really in my head about it.

You can't. You can't. You really can't. You guys have hung out. I know he did your podcast. Yeah. But that wasn't in person. Zoom.

Yeah, just via Zoom. This was the first time you've ever hung out? First hangout with wood. Oh my god, dude. What? I mean, he's a good like i what i like about him is he's like an intense texter so it's like okay cool this guy like gets down to it yeah he is very intense yeah you'll get some paragraphs you'll get some

you'll get some length yeah yeah but it was way yeah we walked around harbor freight he like took me around harbor freight you guys went on a date yeah dude that's that's what he said the whole time is that he's like this he's like i've only ever done this exact thing with women wood was trying to fuck you no shade on the wood man but it's a pandemic you gotta do what you gotta do i'm from california i'm progressive i'm cool like i'm fine wood's a funny guy damn dude that's what's up he's got the sickest dick in the onion volcano dude it's like the big sausage onion volcano. Man. So you guys went on a date

and then he was like leave. Well, I was in he was like meet me at Benihana at two o'clock. Sorry, I'm thinking of all the people

like the mechanics who listen to oral presentations like what the fuck? What? Not my sweetheart, Wood. He wouldn't do anything like that. Wood's out in New Jersey trying to fuck guys?

You wouldn't do anything like that. What's out in New Jersey trying to fuck guys? You guys planned it for 2 o'clock, so you were both, I would imagine, got there at 2.30. No, I'm prompt. You are punctual. I'm punctual. Wood is not. Wood is not. Showed up late, but we had to make a reservation for 2.30.

They wouldn't just let us sit down. They had to timetable it. He's like, let's do a round at Harbor Freight. Let's look at the knives. So we went and looked at the knives. So now Wood's going to kill you. I think he's a nice guy, but it was a confusing experience. Oh, Wood's very, very nice. But again, you can't let him dictate

the activities because you'll end up walking around a harbor looking at knives. You'll do things that sound funny on paper until you're walking outside. And he wouldn't let me pay for my food. Really? Yeah, he wouldn't let me pay for it.

Because the whole thing, he's like, I'm an older comic. This is what I have to do to you. It was fucking weird, dude. Oh, you can't report him on saying corny stuff like that. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. All right, you're right.

Holy fuck, he literally told me not to say that i bet oh fuck he's probably like don't tell anyone i just said that oh my god he said he was an older guy you've been doing it longer than him significantly but he's older than me he's like he's 33 it's true shit this was a weird day you're right this was absolutely some like chicken hawk like this was weird. Yeah, Wood groomed you. He did. He groomed me. I'm fine with it, dude. He's a cool guy.

So you're out in LA. How long ago did you move there? Fuck, man. I moved there like what? Shit, the beginning of 2016? Like coming up on five years? Yeah. Now, I listen to Coward Hour.

It's one of the few podcasts I listen to. It's very funny. You in the barn. And you are homeless? No. You're still homeless? I was. Well, homeless... Now, I also would like this for the record because obviously the first comment you made about me getting mad about Louis Anderson hasn't left my mind.

For the record, wait till you hear this guy's fucking lifestyle and then let's see whose memory is more trustworthy. What? Are you talking about what? The drugs? Where do you want me to die? Homeless drug riddled fucking mania. I'm telling you,

I remember this. Okay, sure. And look how mad you're getting about me. Even just, I think that I've like, I'm telling you, look at that.

Not shaking at all. They're cool as a cucumber, baby. I guess it's true. I don't know. I can't even tell you how much I don't care. I was homeless before I started the podcast. Really?

Yeah, I was homeless for like six months because I just couldn't pay rent. And my friends were like, you got to go. And I was like, all right, I'm going. And then I just like bunkered down in my car. In L.A.? Yeah, in L.A. Barely home. What?

That's a field trip, bro. Do you think? Did you have an L.A. fitness membership? I had a Planet Fitness membership. So you had to shower? Did you shower? L.A. fitness membership? I had a Planet Fitness membership. Did you take a shower? Every day, and pizza on Mondays. That sounds exactly like a field trip. And you got warm weather.

You're just buzzing around. I guess the reality compared to my expectation of where I thought I'd be my second year, it was different. But I don't know, man. I mean, I think I dated more people than any other year there when I was homeless because I was trying to like grift my way into like, you know, rooms and beds. Yeah. I dated a girl for like two months like when I was homeless and like she had no idea I was homeless. What?

Yeah. I would just like show up like really sweaty from like just like sitting in my car all day waiting for like it to be Like five o'clock Just like knock on the door be like hey, I just got back from the gym. Can I shower? I just hit the planet. Yeah, that's actually exactly what my dad does He goes to the Y and Planet Fitness just to shower. Yeah, it's awesome. Yeah, that's borderline gay He does like shower with the fellas does he really just to shower. Yeah. It's awesome. Yeah. That's borderline gay. Yeah, I didn't want to say it. He does like showering with the fellas.

Does he really? I mean, you've got to miss it, man. He goes to the Y to shower. You've got to miss it, man. You get naked with your boys. I mean, that was like a fun thing they all did. They took it away from him. And it's like, you know. That's something I regret got lost on our generation.

Naked with the boys? Just getting naked with the boys. Post-basketball, like, all right, let's go get naked together. Just for no reason. Let's all get naked. Yeah, they made me do that in middle school. Like, did you guys have that in your school? We had it in high school, yeah.

But, yeah. There was a guy who used to enforce, like, if you didn't take a shower, he would, like, make you get in there. Same guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Coach Hinkle. Yeah, holy fuck, dude. Yeah.

It was weird. And then he didn't get but one of two of the coaches went to jail one for stealing and one for like possessing child pornography really yeah at my middle school on that yeah yeah dude they uh i wonder how prolific they are getting people with child porn what do you think the number of people with that get that get caught ah it seems like maybe less than half i feel like it's way more but it's like no i bet it's like they only catch like one percent really i mean dudes just hit me with the fact that stack it they said like 25 percent of people look at child porn i i could i could be misquoting him they're saying like of new jersey they checked out the the numbers on who was looking at child porn in new jersey alone and they're like dude that's like 25 of the population again maybe

misquoting but i it was something like staggeringly high and this is like this is like intentional like looking not like accidental porn hub upload yeah i i don't know that i that i can't say i can get hit with that and i can be on porn hub and be like this girl looks young as shit this is great yeah yeah like man i can't believe this fucking 18 year old looks 12. I could be on Pornhub and be like, this girl looks young as shit. This is great. Yeah. Man, I can't believe this fucking 18-year-old looks 12. That's why I don't fuck with New Biles porn. You don't fuck with New Biles? No, those are professionals, dude.

New Biles is very well done. I trust those men. They push the limits. There was one time I was like, okay, that's enough, man. I trust the people behind New Biles. You trust their scene selection? Like, yeah, you look 12. Get in here.

What? New Biles, they hit me with one person one time, but I just went, oh, no, no, no. Yeah, they'll hit you with some pigtails and braces every once in a while. Let's slow down with the child aspect of it. Yeah, that's all right. Although it is called New Biles. Like, it is. Exactly.

Yeah. That's why I got off the train. I watched pornography this week. Did you really? And there was a guy, you ever see, like, when they do, like, any of the casting things where the guy's talking is just way, like, let me get a look at your pussy. Oh, wow, look at that. Yeah. Like, he's, like, I don't know.

Can I worship that asshole? Yeah, it was just, it was crazy. It was crazy. I had to stop because the audio of the porn. Oh, yeah. Well, I don't know. Can I worship that asshole? Yeah, it was just crazy. It was crazy. I had to stop because the audio of the porn. Oh, yeah. Well, I haven't watched porn with sound. I like watched porn with sound on for the first time like a couple months ago. I was like, holy fuck.

I just never watch it with sound on. Because my walls in my house are thin. I live with like five other guys. You're not some headphones, bro. Yeah, headphones are risky. Yeah, they are. Headphones, you can hear headphones, bro. I'm not living that. Headphones are risky. Yeah, they are. You can never hear a knock. True.

Yeah. Watching porn with headphones on gives me like the same feelings I would get when I was like on too much acid and I couldn't tell how in touch with reality I was. Do you know what I'm saying? Like at any moment, somebody come like barging through your door. True. Right. You're just like, oh, sorry, dude.

I was my goon station. Yeah. Have you're just like, oh. Sorry, dude. I was in my goon station. Yeah, that's. Have you been caught by your roommates? While you were homeless, were you cranking them in the car? True. That's the millionth time. Where do homeless people jerk off? Dude, in their car.

It fucked me up for a minute because, like, you know, like, it's a sex crime if you get caught. And, like, the, like, no joke. Like, and also, like, cops, you're not supposed to sleep in your car in LA so like I'd had counters where like I would like be under the blankets and cops were like shining a flashlight on my car yeah but like yeah trying to like rub one out while there's like headlights coming and then like it's like those are some of the best you hang out with your girlfriend who doesn't know you're homeless oh man well you can't be over there like every night but those were some of like some of

the comes some of like the down to the wire comes in the car were better than the comes with the girlfriend i bet dude well how my current girlfriend's gonna see this fuck it doesn't matter is she yeah she probably is nice yeah damn so how like how were you like really trying to like wife these girls up like when you were homeless were you like really pushing it like why don't i stay you must have loved them though yeah you must have instant yeah all that security no not at all dude no really see i yeah that's and also too i i you know obviously that would suck being homeless anywhere i was like oh yeah it's nothing dude i'd be so if i have to like wait two hours between things in my car i'm like

yeah dude just like just like literally just like hanging out like on 101 degree days in my car. Just like waiting. Yeah. Don't have money for gas all the time either. And it was at night like my radio was fucked up. I didn't have cell phone service. So the only station I would get was like the religious channel down in Culver City. Nice.

And I got like way too into like. I was like. I got way too Christian when I was homeless. I was like. That'll do it. I was like up at 3 a.m. Listening to like Alistair Begg and like the Kingdom Man show. I was like i got way too christian when i was homeless i was like i'll do it up at 3 a.m listening to like alistair bag and like the kingdom man show i was like i gotta be a i was like i'm like this because i'm not a fucking kingdom man i need to be a kingdom man found god

for a time yeah and then you ditched him once you got a dwelling you were in a foxhole dude there's no atheists there it's true yeah it's true yeah i don't know if i ditched god i just like i don't talk about it as much because it feels kind of gay. Do you like God? I kind of like God, yeah. But I'm also like, I'm doing like potluck religion this year where I'm like, I'm into all of it. You don't like that one? I don't like that spirituality. That's

chick shit. You've got to be Catholic. Well, that's what I tell Barn Dog. Barn Dog needs to be trad cad. He's a hard, he's really into like being a Lutheran. Being like a wishy-washy Lutheran. Respectable. He's a hard, he's really into like being a Lutheran. Being like a wishy-washy Lutheran. Yeah. Being like a Protestant.

Yeah. What is it called? Like an Episcopalian? Protestants. Being like a devout Episcopalian. No, what's an Episcopalian? Protestant.

Yeah, they're like Protestants. They're just like. Basically every Christianity that's not Catholic is Protestant. Gotcha. Even Calvinists? I guess they are.

I don't know. I'm into Psyanetics right now. What's that? cyanetics is the study of how matter responds to sound so did you ever see like when they put those things up in like speakers?

yeah well they put like sand on a paper and they hit it with like 428 hertz or like you know god forbid 528 can't even imagine 528 that's a god frequency

so they take on different shapes when you do that. And what some people say is that our matter is a response to sound and we've arranged in a certain pattern. We're basically like the manifestation of sound in the universe. Pretty tight. This is stuff I get into. Is the universe silent? Go out of space, dude.

Yeah, I mean, you can't hear it. Doesn't mean there's no sound, bro. You know what I mean mean you can't hear it doesn't mean there's no sound bro you know what i mean we can't hear dog whistles well like yeah i can hear him i can absolutely i can always hear dog can anybody not hear dog whistle i don't think i can always hear it really low frequency really yeah What's it sound like? I don't know. It'd be very tough to... To do it? Yeah, it just sounds like a very low, like... No, it's high.

Yeah, but I mean, it's like quiet is what I'm trying to say, not a low frequency. Talking about the air coming through the dog whistle? Nope, nope. I promise you can hear dog whistles. You can hear the dog whistle. I mean, I'm part dog. I'm a little dog. Maybe they don't make them two cats like y'all.

True. But yeah, trad cath kind of rules. Well, I mean, that's what I like. The parts of Christianity I like are the Catholic parts. Just like the fucking buildings. That's the sickest part. True. Yeah, when you're homeless, you love those buildings.

True, yeah. You'll hang out in like archways and steps. You just lay there. Yeah, you you're homeless, you love those buildings. True, yeah. You'll hang out in like archways and steps and just lay there. Yeah, you can stay here. You're like, how fucking sweet these archways are that I'm sleeping in. Just jerking your dick off. They're like, come here, we have a room for that, please. Yeah, but anyway, yeah.

How are your parents? Are they like shitty? Oh, they have no idea that that happened. Are they like nice, good people? Yeah, they're nice, good people. What are you doing being homeless? I'm not going to ask them for money. Hell yeah, dude.

I mean, of course, but. So if they find you being homeless, do they just like call your parents and ship you home? Like, get the fuck out of here. No, they send you to jail. What do you mean? What would they do? Would they call your parents and be like, get out of here? We're going back home.

What do you mean, Matt? I was in there. The California police, they caught you being homeless, being like, get out of here. I'm going back home. What do you mean, Matt? I was a man. The California police, they caught you being homeless being like, do you have nice, honest parents? Oh, wait. You're going home. Probably. No more open mics. You have to go home.

Your desire to do open mics is a hindrance on the city at this point. Go home. We're shipping you home. Yeah. What did your parents think? They were just living? Oh, yeah. They thought I was doing great yeah I could get away

with being homeless I called them I mean they wouldn't know yeah no for sure I would call them my parents didn't see where I lived for like

7-8 years of my life they never saw one of my houses for sure that's a good way to keep it yeah that's how you want it yeah you know I don't want to make that

I told them I was like taking acting classes while I was like sweating with my shirt off in my car I was like yeah I signed up for UCB. Nice, dude. Yeah.

And then now I know one of your money getting strategies from your podcast is just checking into hospitals and letting them do experiments on you. Yeah. Sure. I'm trying to think of a better way to put it, but that's pretty much what happens. You call it a hospital jail. Hospital jail dude Because there's Let me tell you something

There's a Tell the people Because I was listening to this like Holy shit dude Nick is fucked up So you get paid by like studies and stuff Yeah Like cream

Like skin creams and shit No I'm getting shots dude Dicks like shots and like pills like No they fucked up Well the first one I did It got me it got me it got me off the streets all right i'm very grateful to hospitals you know not only for the

warm you know vietnamese nurses nice that i that i definitely think of as my own family but also for like the regiment and that it provided my life no but when i was like it's like i made 10 grand um like donating my spinal fluid which i I wouldn't recommend. Yeah. Yeah. 10 grand. I was in there for a month and then like that got me back on my feet. So you,

you get, you get, they sold, you sold your spinal fluid. Well, they took it from me. That wasn't what they were doing. Yeah.

You didn't bring it in. Yeah. Nuts. They, so I went in, I was testing like, like this, like a anti-schizophrenia medication.

Like they just wanted to see like, and it's like, I look at it this way. It's like how much like, how much like vague brown molly have I done in my life that like, I'm fine. So like there are doctors in charge of this. It's probably fine. Yeah. So. Was it just you and other homeless?

Nah, it's actually all walks of life. It's just really. Yeah. I think it's kind of a melting pot in hospitals. It's just like all businessmen. Yeah. No, it's kind of a melting pot in hospitals. It's just like all businessmen. No, it's a lot. It's a lot of guys who won't give up the PS4. A lot of certain types of guys who are too loud.

What am I doing, man? I don't know. I'm on Matt and Shane and I'm like, let's get spicy. No, this is great. All right, okay. But yeah, I was in there. Won't give up the PS4. What are you talking about?

Nothing. Never mind. You should explain it. won't give up the PS4 what are you talking about nothing never mind you should explain it I have a I have like a bunch of files on my phone of like loud black guys in hospital jail who just like were just like playing Xbox Live like in the middle of procedures what's hospital jail

hospital jail are medical studies dude follow me now you know how it feels, dude. I finally brought in another crazy person. You're like, wait, what are you talking about? I didn't know there was an Xbox. I'm saying, like, where's the Xbox? Yeah, there's fucking Xboxes and stuff.

Oh, they keep you. Yeah, they keep Xboxes there. Oh, I thought you'd just roll in and get the cream and leave. I could easily hospital jail. No, no. Xbox for a month? Well, you'd have a tough time getting it away from some of the guys. But, yeah, if you could fight them.

A bunch of dudes without spinal fluid. It's kind of like the phones in prison. The Xbox is like the phones in prison. You've got to be tough to command the phone. Yeah, that's exactly right. Damn. So you just get big brothered. You've got to be like, can I play next?

The doctor said I could play next. And just hand you a fake controller. Wait, did you form up with anyone else from like your race that would have been sick but no no i'm a lone wolf every time nah but so what they did what really sucked is they bought so to measure the effect of i don't know what the fuck they were doing but they were doing something i give i promise you they were doing something to me. And they would take this anti-schizophrenia medication, which made me kind of schizophrenic.

I had some weird hallucinations. Really? And then they were like measuring it in our spinal fluid, which was like, so like I would get a lumbar puncture, which is like what pregnant ladies get to like administer the epidural. Dude.

And the first one went fine and then they did another one at the end and that one fucked up so they just like left a hole like in my spine that like so like your your spinal fluid circulates it's what keeps your brain from hitting your skull and when that happens it really fucking hurts it hurts a lot and so uh all my spinal fluid was like leaking out of my skull and just like into my like i don't know my legs into my, like, I don't know, my legs and my ass, I guess. I don't know. Nice.

And they couldn't get the hole patched up. So, like, for, yeah, for a week after I was at a hospital, like, the first episode we recorded at Coward Hour, I was laying in Barn Dog's bed. Ooh, I didn't even think about this. Yeah, we'll get to it. Sorry, go ahead. And we didn't release it. But, yeah, like, for, like, a week and a half, I just, like, couldn't. If I stood up, my brain would hit my skull.

Yeah, it really sucked, dude. So you got like a bunch of concussions. That's just a concussion. Is that a concussion? A concussion is just your brain hitting your skull. If I have CTE, that explains so much. Yeah, for real. They also probably wanted to see what happens if someone had no spinal fluid.

You probably were part of a deeper study. Like, oh, yeah, it's anti-schizophrenic. They probably gave you some like weird stimulant and then took all your spinal fluid and we're like we'll see what happens i guess that's probably you seem all right yeah i feel fine you seem sharp i think i'm better than i was when i met you i think whatever like what like you know what i mean boy i'd say so humbled you out a little i did. You got a little humbled out, which is nice. Definitely been humbled by my time out west. Which I'm also aware of.

I think it's going up now, though. You think so? Yeah, I think things are looking up. I hope so, man. I don't know. I live in the day. I can't get too excited about anything anymore. That's how you got to do it, man.

Telling you. Loving that, dude. He was like, oh, I can't wait to meet Matt. I was like, you guys are going to be fine. You guys are going to get along. This is a good boy. This is a good origin story, dude. He was like, oh, I can't wait to meet Matt. I was like, you guys are going to be fine. You guys are going to get along. This is a good boy. This is a good origin story, dude. It's a sick origin story.

Whole. Yeah, he's got spinal fluid leaking. Did they patch up your spine? Yeah, I think it's fine now. I'm sitting here talking to you, right? This is true. Yeah, but how long ago did this take place? Like two years, three years?

Two years ago. Oh, yeah, you're good. You could be really fucked up. Like this could take a little. And you're young yeah how old are you i'm 27 yeah you could yeah you're in trouble yeah how many other what other things did you do in hospital because i know you went how many times would you have i like to go how often have you gone i mean i go whenever i want to make a little like whenever i want to make like

five grand in like a week i just sign up how long do you chill there for like a week at the most the first one was like a month but like you know you go for a week hang out i know i do i know all the nurses there we're like friends i'm like friends with the doctors how many like what and a lot of times it's just pills that they're testing a lot of times just pills sometimes the pills like get you high it's kind of nice nice yeah do you ever think about wearing scrubs just like showing up scrubs Showing up in scrubs. Yeah. You can legally wear them there. I would kind of. It's weird.

You do get like weird Stockholm syndrome where I'm like, I would like a job here. Like it would like. I don't know if that's ever happened or if it's even allowed to happen, but I would love to work there. Just make the transfer? Yeah. Just be a career changer? Yeah.

You go to medical school, I'm like, I'm just career changing from uh getting studied being a guinea pig that's awesome yeah so you can go make a couple g's yeah just like that when money's tight it's and it's nice because like i don't have to fucking i'm good with money now i'm way better than i was um and i don't have to like get a job that i fucking hate i just like sit on money yeah so it's nice get studied up my friend used to go um he was addicted to heroin but he would go get like he would go get skin creams and like just fucking break out everywhere really and just come back yeah he'd be like oh they just rubbed the shit on me today you have to go he only got like a couple hundred bucks he wasn't really getting paid yeah that's what i'm saying if you're not spending the night i always spend the night at hospital jail if you're not spending the night you're getting

you're getting chump change. So you can't get hold of the Xbox. That's kind of bothering me. I want to see you go in there and command the Xbox. You got to wake up early. And get to the Xbox? No, I don't want to go there.

You got to early bird that. They've only got like, I don't play like NBA or any of those games. They don't have any games I want to play. They don't have white dork games? No.

You got to get a Final Fantasy in there. You got to sneak one in. That would be insane for me to just start like a 70 hour RPG that's what Barn Dog tried to do did he ever tell you that when we commandeered his Playstation that was scarring

I didn't even realize how scarring that was it would be so hard to play an RPG with a bunch of like bluetooth conversations going on like oh my god he's in here playing his fucking Zelda bro he's in here playing his fucking Zelda, bro. Oh, you would get destroyed.

Bro, he's in here playing his fucking Zelda, his gay-ass Zelda shit. You're like, hey, stop. I'm playing. Hey, guys. You know? Oh, bro. Bro, I'm trying to play it live. He's playing his motherfucking Zelda, bro.

The dude's like, if all you had that smile on, the dude's like just collapsed like marionettes like occasionally. Yeah, yeah. He's like standing there like, you motherfucker. Yeah, that has happened a couple times. Really? Yeah. They just have side effects where they just like go down.

Fuck. But never me, dude. True. Never me. Well, you had an extensive, you were doing some drugs before this. Yeah, yeah. Before hospital jail, you were inexperienced. I call it, it's like weight training for your brain.

You know what I mean? Like just like taking like five taps and being like, all right, parents are home. Let's see if I can sweat this out. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, dude. How'd that go? I would crumble, dude. Never, I never got caught.

They never knew. Really? Yeah. What would you talk to them? I wonder how many times. First off, I guarantee your parents were like, he's homeless. Like two days in, they were like, Nick's very homeless. And every time you were high on

acid they're like he's high off his ass be there with like your shirt off just like hello mom and dad what's your go-to convo starter with your parents when you're on acid hi hey no i would just chill downstairs i would rarely see them or i would just say Hey. Hey. No, I would just chill downstairs. I would rarely see them. Or I would just say, or I would just hit them with that. Hey. Hey.

I would just walk by. Yeah. Yeah, I think I would do exactly how I started this episode. You're right. Fuck yeah. I've been high in front of my parents, and it's – I'm bad at being high regardless. Right. Yeah. It's never even – I can never never it's terrible but it's so

weed is so gay to my family that nobody even expects it really no nobody suspects being high on pot yeah it's crazy pot's the one that i can't do like when i like i can like i can do acid and talk to people but if i smoke pot i'm like i'm done i have to go i'm gonna go to sleep or like hide from people i don't know why that is not these three these boys look at these two fucking space cadets over there do you guys show off your sick uniforms yet yeah have you flipped the camera to show your sweet flip the camera show the boys show them your discipline dude you guys have to wear those every single we're gonna check in with you you have to wear those whoever can keep it on longer over the next few days wins two hundred dollars true we should do readiness

checks i promise and i will randomly facetime and if you don't answer you lose and when i facetime you have to have it on you're doing readiness checks like next year like ready you have 30 seconds yes master and whoever whoever, whoever keeps it on the longest. I'm talking showers. You have pockets for clips if you guys want to start bringing ammo with you. If you guys do need. If you guys want to start bringing ammo with you. And also, please tighten those straps.

We can't have loose straps. Straps get kind of loose. You can't really tighten them all the way. I'll try. Do your best. Bad start. That's the gift of discipline, dude. Yes.

The gift. That's why I bought those shirts. That's why I bought those shirts, dude. You're always, every time you think it, you're just slipping a little bit. Always tighten up, dude. So, Nick, you're on acid. You're hanging out with your parents. No, not really, though.

So you would be in the, still, being in the house. Yeah, I lived at home, and I was like, I'm not going to stop doing acid. I have to keep combining molly and acid in my parents' basement. For sure. Fuck, that sounds pretty funny. What kind of stuff would you do when you're in the basement on acid with the parents orbiting above you? Watch horror movies and shit. What?

Yeah, I literally was in the mindset of, I'm going to traumatize myself as much as possible to try to make my brain stronger. Hell yeah, dude. Yeah. Obviously hell yeah dude yeah obviously paid off but it did because like went like i swear to god like the anxiety management that i learned just being like okay i'm gonna be high for another 15 hours i'm just gonna count the hours down like and if i feel like i'm gonna freak out i'm just gonna like push those thoughts out that got me through like six months of being homeless just like tunnel vision everything's fine dude i'm telling you i never i'll never forget i think i was in the movie seeing jumanji 2 and i was super fucking i was so high i went to the bathroom i'm like i'm like bugging out i was on i was just on a weed edible but still i'm like

bugging out and i remember just being like oh no i'm fine it was like huh and just like that it was yeah i was fine and i was like can i be fine i was like no i think And just like that, I was fine. And I was like, can I be fine? I was like, yeah, I think you can be fine. There's no chance I could be high in Jumanji 2. Dude. I'd be like, we're all retarded. This world is terrible. I saw Jumanji 1. Did you really?

The Kevin Hart one. How was that? Terrible, dude. You saw Jumanji. I saw Jumanji 1. I saw Jumanji in the movies, I think. I saw Jumanji in the movies in Boston when I called you and had a panic attack. First off, I didn't know coffee gave you anxiety at this point. So I had a whole day to kill in Boston, and I had like five bucks total.

So I just sat in a Panera and pretended to be writing. I was playing like SimCity on like a website for 12 hours and just chugging ice coffee. You're sitting there with like sciatica pain. Yeah, just crushing ice coffee. And then I was like, oh, I'll kill some time. I'll go see Jumanji. And got in and watched. And me and four other dudes

saw like an afternoon matinee of Jumanji. These were all adults. They just got released from hospital jail. Absolutely. Yeah, that would kill me. And I was watching it just like, this is the worst shit I've ever seen in my life. And then I had to go to a show, and I bombed and called Matt after. I was like, I think I quit this shit.

I fucking hate this. It was one of those where you bomb in another city. Yeah. I've had this exact day. Yeah. Just a hard coffee sesh. I had no idea. Just Jumanji and then a bomb.

Just Jumanji and then a hard bomb in like a Boston open mic. Oh, man, dude. Oh. Dude, that's brain training for sure. That was brain training. Yeah. So what was like the deepest moment of bugging out, like watching horror movies on acid? Well, I mean, I literally thought i was uh dying like a couple times and like you know if

you think like if you genuinely believe you're dying it was like a death trip like you know i'm sure that you know about death trips i'm sure that you know when you're about to like yeah you feel like you're about to die the one time i had something like that was on like a quarter ounce of mushrooms and i couldn't tell the difference between night or day and i just got under the blankets and it was just i remember vaguely like seeing jesus and being like oh sweet yeah and you're like nice i remember i'd taken i don't know if it was pure acid i think it was a research chemical but i had taken so much that like i couldn't keep water down so like every time so i'm like i'm literally just downstairs like discreetly throwing up just like drinking like immediately and every time i would throw up like the if the fibers in

the carpet downstairs like would like sprout up into these weird little like i don't know like pyramids that were like growing on top of each other just like bug out every time i like heaved and uh then i wound up like i just like laid down sorry is this too much no absolutely fantastic all right so i laid down on the couch and I like, I was like, I can't keep water down. I'm dehydrated. My body's like trying to like, I'm trying to like throw up my own innards. So I think I'm probably dying. And then I like panicked.

And then I like got on Reddit. It was like, what do I do if I'm dying? Somebody immediately was like, faggot. This is worse. Faggot just turned into a pyramid right yeah so then i had like a premonition of like everybody i knew like finding my body and like realizing that i died because i had too many drugs oh i had this i had this on fucking synthetic weed oh i told you about that yeah yeah oh i wrote i wrote a fucking i wrote a note in my phone to my family yes like because

i couldn't go to the hospital because that's gay. Right. So I wrote like a goodbye mom and dad note and then put it by my bed and ate a bag of Laffy Taffys. It just curled up just like. That was you taking all the pills at once. Yeah, fuck it, dude. I'm not going. That was my last meal.

You just read all the jokes as you faded off. I was like. That was not bad so so i did exactly that like made peace with the fact that i was going to die and then just like shut my eyes and was like waiting to die and then i woke up the next morning like fuck yeah god damn it yeah it's a real embarrassing wake up i mean super embarrassed at least you didn't write the note i wrote the note and no no i wrote the note oh really i wrote i wrote a note in my phone like i'm so sorry this was so stupid yeah i woke up and sorry i didn't come get you guys yeah right i didn't tell anybody i do love you yeah waking up waking up and having to delete that is just this was before select all

so you just had to sit there like, fuck. Dude, I wish I had died, because I feel like if I did die, at least my family would be like, at least he died with honor. He didn't bitch out and try to get us. Yeah, he didn't go to the hospital. They test you like it was 2CB, though. God damn it. Good boy. Yeah, I would have died of synthetic marijuana.

Bought it like a head shop in Mechanicsburg. Yeah, there's those kids who do salvia and jump off a cliff. It sucks. We used to watch... They got taken off YouTube, but I used to have this whole playlist of people on K2 just taking their pants off in the dollar store. So fucking funny, dude. People just smoking that

and then trying to fuck the bus driver. What was your hallucination? I remember it vividly. It was my middle school bathroom was just like in the corner of the room. I don't know why I could just like see a memory. Well, it's very weird. I could just and I'd never even thought about what that bathroom looked like, but I like saw it like perfectly exactly how it looked from St. Joe's. St. Joe's Elementary School. Damn, dude. You know you can buy Delta 8 THC online?

It's like legal. I don't even know what that is. Delta 9, like stuff and weeds, Delta 9, Tetra, whatever. Sure. Delta 8 is just like when they tweak it a little bit, but you can buy like THC. You know I go out and repeat some of these things to people? Delta 8, Tetrahydrocannibal. Yeah, I you can buy like THC. You know, I go out and repeat some of these things to people.

Delta eight, tetrahydrocannabinol. Yeah, I'll be talking to people. What's that, delta eight? What the fuck are you talking about? Some guy I know keeps saying words. I think there was somebody who was slanging some delta eight. Yeah, dude. Does it still work? It's like very vague, like a kind of a body relaxation.

So people, I know someone who was eating like, dude, I'm eating like 150 milligram edible and i was like i don't think i know you and i don't think you i think you you know that might knock your socks off a little bit and then i did a little digging and uh turns out i solved the problem was delta eight found out someone's out here slaying in delta i had some delta nine this past week yeah delta nine i had delta nine delta nine is that regular is that regular weed yeah so soda gave me a weed edible and i split it me and tommy split one and i still got sent to the fucking movie how many how many it was only 25 milligrams damn so i had like 10 milligrams of weed and i was like oh but we watched so i just i just got us a sound bar for our biggest we have a huge tv and a nice sound bar and i was like let's watch uh

interstellar i love the movie interstellar great for a sound bar and uh anyway i guess this really has nothing to do with the movie but his girlfriend it's be dangerous if it gets back to her she always every once in a while she hits us with like bad news you know how ladies do it's not just her it's just always there's always like a bad news you know how ladies do it's not just her it's just always there's always like a negative 100 there's a negative story it's called negative nancy negative ned bro yes yeah thank you matt there's a lot of ladies in my life that do this like they'll walk in a room and just hit you with the worst story like the virus is mutating in all right i'm playing madden like how was your day and then she texted tommy that her i'm gonna get crushed for this uh that her roommates that she lives

with found their friend's body oh fuck and i couldn't stop dude I was howling laughing. I'm just like, I was high. And I was like, just the idea of finding your friend's body. I was like, holy shit. She's just in the room with these other people that were like, we found him. No, I get it because it's absurd. It's just so absurd. And then while me and him

are high watching a space movie to get a text and he's like jesus christ they found their friend's body and i was just like just it's too much it's too much to find your friend to be like oh we found him found his body we found his fucking body now we're looking for the other parts we gotta find the rest of him yeah we're in the search for his spirit now so they found the bod found his body he was fucking ripped

he was fucking ripped dude he was fucking yoked and this it just made us oh fuck dude this is personal stuff so nobody tell anybody about this sure but this is a different girl we were sitting And this, it just made us, oh, fuck, dude. This is personal stuff, so nobody tell anybody about this. Sure.

But this is a different girl. We were sitting and, no, it's the same girl. I don't know. I'm trying to protect this somehow. Sure. But it's very funny, and she knows I love her. So this is all just funny. But never mind.

I can't even tell it. Gotcha. It was a family member. Never mind. But we were just, like, watching an Eagles game, and she just hit us. She was just sitting on the couch, and she was just like, aw. We were like, what? She just told us the worst story possible.

We had to just be like, well, that's all right. They're in a better place now. Trying to be like, all right. It's like third and ten. Come on, motherfucker. Just watching. Yeah yeah I shouldn't shouldn't have done that someone just gets bad news

yeah someone getting bad alright that's the joke yeah getting bad news in front of you while you while you don't care I mean the phrase found his body

found his body was killing me it's very funny and this was all at the end of Interstellar so we'd watch this long ass movie and then it's getting to like the most important parts right

and then we just get hit with the fucking they found his body just couldn't stop tommy getting that news of all people is what's so funny yeah they found his body jesus christ and then once i started laughing he was like he does that laugh oh man what a fun night anyway sorry i bitched out on that story, but... No, that's... I think you gave... I live with her. Yeah. I think you hiked your pants off and gave the story.

Yeah, yeah. That's a tough one. Especially when people... I mean, I'm sure you've had people approach you and be like, what the fuck? Blah, blah, blah. Yeah. It's always like, I feel so bad. Yeah.

So, coward hour. Yeah. Lemaire. Yes. Quit fucking around on your phone. Lemaire. Oh, yeah. I forgot.

Yeah. Now, how do you feel? Uh-emaire. Oh, yeah, I forgot. Yeah. Now, how do you feel? Uh-oh. How do you feel? I forgot, man. About your show being commandeered. He took the Xbox. Nick took the Xbox.

Yeah. Dare I say, appropriated. He commandeered your show. It was kind of my idea, too. I guess I'm registered. I tricked Crick into moving to Los Angeles. Yeah, I tricked him into Philly. Right, yeah.

That's funny. That's what you have to do with that guy. You have to trap him. Yeah, because I literally, I would listen to Coward Hour while I was living in my car in L.A. And I was like, this is funny. Damn, you got heisted by a homeless dude. You were a homeless dude in L.A. that was like, this is my favorite podcast. I should just bring this out here and replace La Mer.

So wait, you guys had a, was Coward Hour originally a podcast? It was just a show first, and then we turned it into a podcast. And then he went out west and took the podcast with him. He went out California way. He went out California way, yeah. And he struck gold with this homeless. Yeah, he struck gold with the homeless bear. And he left you behind.

Now you're just a lowly minion. Yeah, now I'm just a producer. Well, you should have been like they could only – you should have took half the title. You should have took the royalties. No, they should only be able to call it The Coward. Right. Oh, that's kind of artsy. I like that.

You get the hour and they get The Coward podcast. How do you feel about it? Are you better off without them? Or was that your one shot in showbiz i don't i don't think i wouldn't say better off without them but like i'm doing all right like i'm okay sure you got lena duncum's you got a bunch of duncum's you should if i were you i'd work my fucking ass off to buy the rights of coward hour or just take just start a new one. Start one with no one. Just call it Coward Hour. And always wear those shirts.

And you have to wear those shirts and never explain it. I liked LeMaire's character. I thought LeMaire was awesome on the original Coward Hour. I liked it. But I just thought it could maybe... You could improve it. Yeah, I thought it'd be better if... I thought he needed a little direction.

See why he's like a very take-out-sidable guy? Stuff like this? Does it make you just want to beat him violently? All right, maybe I didn't fucking tell you because I want to fight you now for that. Just so mocked. I mean, did you envision all this when you were in the carpet? Just thrown up in the carpet?

Like, I will take this fucking fight. Yes! I manifested, dude. I literally. Oh, man. Somebody told me I was a master manifester this week. You are. You're really.

I can't stop thinking about it, dude. Dude. I mean, dude, that's what people are up against, dude. Master. You're out there kicking around. There's master manifesters out there. There's some guy in his car in LA just like, I'm going to take this fucking podcast. LeMaire had no idea.

LeMaire was just doing mics in Lancaster. Just like, this is fun. Things are fun There's some guy in his car Like Motherfuckers I'm gonna get this podcast You're sending

Psychic energy Yeah dude Yeah that's true man Yeah every time people loaf It's like there's someone there There's a maniac In their car There's a fucking guy

Jerking off in front of headlights Like That's fucking sick Yeah I'm a I'm a I'm a I'm a

I'm a I'm a I'm a I'm a I'm a I'm a I'm a I'm a

I'm a I'm a I'm a I'm a I'm a I'm a I'm a I'm a I'm a I'm a I'm a I'm a I'm a I'm a I'm a I'm a I'm a I'm a I'm a I'm a I'm a I'm a I'm a I'm a I'm a I'm a I'm a I'm a I'm a I'm a I'm a I'm a I'm a I'm a I'm a I'm a I'm a i'm a i'm bitter you know you guys i feel like you are you big into

like manifestation this is where i'm like i don't know man i feel like as much as i hate like gay like california woo woo stuff i also love it i'm also like all about it hell yeah dude matt gets into gay california stuff way into it yeah you gotta separate the wheat from the shaft though there's a lot of it that kind of goes nowhere definitely but yeah i'm deep into taoism right now taoism yeah tight just the way things are it's just the dow you can either fight it or go against it right now guy to cool he was saying like you're kind of like i want to do this thing and you're always on a straight line and then out of nowhere you're just like you get pulled over this way so people it's like you just kind of go further into that and then that kind of takes you back to where you're trying to go. No, that's the path for real.

Sorry, I don't want to have like a sincere conversation. You're more than welcome. Oh, hell yeah. You're welcome sincere conversation here, please. Yeah, dude, we'll just switch to, dude, I've been listening to fucking, whatchamacallit, the NPR shit you gave me. It's crazy, right? It's crazy it's scary how we'll get back to the dow but it's scary how much it is enticing to just like give in and be like yeah what do we just turn that shit on and be like and we're here with

the with the vaccine and we're loading it up and oh wow it's there's like coal like frost coming off it like the movies yeah dude it's a fucking vaccine yeah yeah man it isn't contagion they it's funny i was with mullen yesterday we were talking about npr about how we were walking down the street just first off me and mullen walking around new york is the weirdest crew possible me and him walking around it's the weirdest crew ever that's so funny well it's so funny, to think of someone who's listening to comedy podcasts, seeing that, and being like... It's them. It's the two biggest retards in the industry. And I walked past a...

I guess Cardi B has a new show on something. And I was just like... I don't know. We were having a conversation about morality morality, morality being injected into comedy, like all this stuff. And it's like, and then they just totally omit like Cardi B. Like,

this is a good, this is morality of like, it's like, well, you could just be a dumb whore. Yeah. Like kids, look at this.

You can be a boss, bitch whore. Yeah. No disrespect to Cardi B dude. But then he was like, yeah. NPR was like, and the song of the year goes to Cardi B, dude. But then he was like, yeah, NPR was like, and the song of the year goes to Cardi B with WAP.

Wet Ass Downstairs. You know what I mean? This is NPR. Like, NPR named WAP the song of the year. It's like, aren't you guys supposed to be like intellectual news? Yeah. The song of the year is Wet Pussy. And there's like, you know, that's literally all the song's about. Yeah. The song of the year is Wet Pussy. And there's like, you know, that's literally all the song's about.

Yeah. Almost every other line is about having an extremely wet, and a wetter vagina than the countertops. I was thinking Macarena was song. Macarena? Yeah. Song of the fucking. That was a fun dance.

Might have been song of the decade. Yeah, dude. In the 90s. Hell yeah. And I have no idea. That could have been Wet Pussies. That could be Spanish for wet ass pussy. Macarena?

Yeah. If you go back to the dance, yeah, it's leading down to your whop, dude. That's your... I don't know where I was going with that. But no, it is funny.

It's just funny to see a TV show that was like, hey, look at this fucking dumb whore. We're going to film her doing things. That's fun. Is it like a scripted show

or is it like reality? I don't know. It looks like it's reality. It looks like it's just going to be filming Cardi B do things, which occasionally is just like borderline racist when they do stuff like that. Like they used to film Marshawn Lynch. He had a show and it was just him. The point of the show was watching a black guy go to like Scotland and be like,

man, y'all motherfuckers crazy. That was the point of the show. Sounds like a sick show. Great show. Fucking rules. Marshawn Lynch rules. But, yeah. Yeah, I mean dude the uh i was thinking about that last night before i went to bed actually i was thinking about the people who got into like like you were saying kind of injecting morality

in a comedy and so you had like the least funny people started all of a sudden policing comedy and then trying to get people who actually made people laugh like you know who did the thing that they said they like to do who did it and actually make people laugh they're like they should stop doing that we should we should just all yeah stop laughing authentically it's like it's fucking that's sick and twisted dude you talk about being a nasty little motherfucker dude and you're like here's this thing i love to do and i'm watching people do it successfully let me crumble this entire thing right it's like, Jesus, man. I respect that, actually. Those are some master manifestos.

Just sitting there just like, I want this. If I can't have it, no one. Yeah, dude. Just to put a freeze on people just getting... Like the average Joe who's out there working,

coming out, wants to have a good fucking laugh and someone's like, no. Yeah. Watch my stuff. You guys shouldn't all be laughing. And adopt my ethics that I'm putting on so I can become famous.

It's like, Jesus Christ. What a world. Disgusting, dude. Do you guys run into a lot of wops out in LA? What do you mean? Soft fucking dorks in comedy. Yeah. Some fucking wops.

Some ass pussies. That's all there is, dude. Yeah. That's all there is. I would imagine. I mean, no, there's people who are funny. I shouldn't say that. There are people like-minded out there, but it's just not what's- There's, dude. Yeah. That's all there is. I would imagine. I mean, no, there's people who are funny. I shouldn't say that. There are people like-minded out there, but it's just not what's...

There's like-minded individuals. Yeah. It's not... For some reason, that's been just totally adopted into just white supremacy. Has it not? Yeah. You can't be like, there's like-minded individuals. It's just always a militia.

It's just... Yeah. It shouldn't be. No, there's definitely... There's definitely... Also, there's sex, yeah, it shouldn't be. No, there's definitely, there's definitely, also there's sects. I'll definitely say there's sects.

Sects. Yeah, that's better, right? Yeah. Of people out there who are funny, but it's just, I mean,

it wasn't. Listen to that one you had, there was a Mexican kid on there. Oh, we, I can't even, he rules. We can't say his name,

because he's teaching over in Spain right now. Oh, I remember listening to that. I was like, I did that. I listened to that episode. He's the fucking man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's awesome. You can say his name, he's not going to get fired from Spain. now. Oh, I remember listening to that. I was like, I did that. I listened to that episode. He's the fucking man. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's awesome. You can say his name. He's not going to get fired from Spain. Dude, Spain, they don't know one thing that's going on. If we couldn't say it on our podcast, we can't say it on this one, dude. He said don't say my name. He asked us not to say his name because he could get fired from it. Well, there's an episode with a Mexican kid.

Go listen to it as well. Yeah, it's... But I promise you know it. Dude, I lived in Spain and it took me like a month to get to my school because I was stuck in a hostel because no one at the school could speak English. So I'd call in and be like, hey, it's me. I'm the guy who's supposed to work here. And they'd be like, who the fuck is this?

We keep getting prank calls by some guy speaking. They probably thought I was a retarded guy because I'd be like, me llamo Shane. Hola. Estoy aqui para profesor. Entiende? I'd just be like, shut the fuck up. You were just stuck in a hostel?

I was in a hostel. Yeah. I didn't even like hear from the school. I just was stuck there. They're probably listening to like Opie and Anthony the whole time. Yeah. I promise you not one person in Spain is going to get wind of any of these podcasts no he well he tells him about i know he's a mexican dude in spain yeah so he's

speaking the language like yeah but does he know the proper form of spain spanish you better start speaking that yeah like vosotros i have no idea i'm not a colonizer i don't i don't enforce that kind of stuff because yeah i'm saying if he's going to Spain, he better be respectful of the proper way to speak the Spanish tongue, dude. I think he is. But, yeah. He's like, I think. But what was I saying? So you had a Mexican dude.

Yeah, it was before that. I was just saying the Mexican guy was great. Yeah, he's funny as shit. He rules. Oh, we were talking about pussies in L.A. Yeah, it was before that. I was just saying the Mexican guy was great. Yeah, he's funny as shit. He rules. Oh, we were talking about pussies in LA. Oh, yeah. I was like, the guys I've heard with you, what's his name? Hirsch?

Yeah, Isaac. Isaac's funny as shit. Yeah. He's hilarious. He started back in Baltimore, too. He's got a good squad. Yeah, yeah. He's got a good squad out there.

None of us do stand-up anymore. We've all moved to doing other stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Which is, I mean, I don't even really miss it that much. That happens to most like-minded sects yeah we break off technically i mean after a while everybody quits i'm the only one in our group that still does stand up yeah for a while i'll just yeah true for a while yeah you start to podcast everybody else is just like this is kind of

nice we've only done we did two live podcasts uh at surprisingly woke, kind of like gay, alt-y rooms and did well. And I was like, this is so much more fun than stand-up, dude. I feel very like – I don't know if I go back to it, that's fine, but I don't think I will. Yeah. You weren't good enough to pursue it, which is why I hated your attitude when I met you. Arrogance with zero talent bothers me more than almost anything.

I completely agree. No, you're good. So you're in Baltimore. You're very funny. And you started at a young age. Was this before you struck out West when you met Shane and you were in Baltimore?

Yeah, he was king of the open mics in Baltimore. Oh, that's flattering, dude. I appreciate that. I appreciate that. Yeah, I met Shane and then I did... We did Magoobies

and then we did a couple shows together. You put me on a show with O'Connor right before I left. Yeah. That was a fun show. Yeah, once met Shane, and then we did Magoobies, and then we did a couple shows together. You put me on a show with O'Connor right before I left. Yeah. It was a fun show. Yeah, once we met. He's one of those guys you don't like him at first. A couple master manifestos.

You guys are swirling reality around yourselves. You're like, fuck over here. Yes. Nobody likes me when they meet me. Really? People probably won't like this episode. No, they will. If they get past the first couple minutes.

Yes, they will. they get past the first couple minutes yes they will look i know that's all the whole thing with everything is like i know i know that i know that uh i know that i'm prickly i would say every dude i wouldn't say prickly i mean dastardly maybe yeah but brendan does think that i'm like a sociopath. I think you and Brandon together is a wild crew. That is a wild crew. Because Barndog's up to no good himself, dude. I agree. Yeah, he's the most evil. Yeah, definitely.

But he'll never, dude, Barndog, man, he loves to insist that he's like pure of heart, but like there's so- He's not at all. He's going to hear this, dude. But it- Fuck him. LeMaire hates his guts. Really?

Wow, how freely can we talk about Barn Dog right now? We could trash the barn. No. No, Barn Dog's awesome. I hope he gets – his screws need to be a little tightened. But he's overall a good guy. You think he needs some brain training himself? You need to take him to the basement, dude.

He won't do it. I've been telling him, like, Brendan, you've got to let me give you mushrooms. You have to let me, dude. He won't do it. I've been telling him, like, Brendan, you gotta let me give you mushrooms. You have to let me, like... He won't do mushrooms? No, he's really worried that it's gonna, like, mess his mind up. Which, like, I get. Definitely get.

I've seen him on some of his tears. I know a dude who did a ton of mushrooms at a festival and then, like... Ah, fuck, man. He hit me up, like, two months later and was like, hey, do you have any of your old history textbooks? Whoa! Trying to get his life back? i'm trying to go back through the ages and i was like oh fuck oh no you shouldn't have had them yeah he like he's trying to go back to the ages he's like i'm buying all he sent me a long

facebook message he's like i'm going back and buying old history textbooks so i want to like go back and actually learn it this time i was was like, oh, fuck. He did mushrooms at a festival and then like left us and then started picking up trash. He started like a cleanup crew. And actually people started like following him. Other people who were tripping were like, oh, shit. We have an assignment. He started picking up trash and then like did it. It was kind of fucked up because the guy he was with, he's a master.

He didn't want to talk dastardly. He's a motherfucker. And he was just like fucking up because the guy he was with, he's a master. He didn't want to talk dastardly. He's a motherfucker. And he was just, like, fucking with him the entire time. And I think he realized that, like, someone he thought he was his friend was actually, like, just a deep negative force in his life. Yeah. And he was like, I got to pick up the trash. And so I think, like, he had, like, this horrible awakening. And, like, just around thousands of people.

Yeah. That's my reading. You know, I was just sitting there. That's why I never tripped at, like, festivals. I didn't do them i was there i was like i'm not i'm not eating those fucking things here i have no yeah i have no desire to sit around a thousand strangers and trip way too uncontrolled no when i ate mushrooms the last time i had them like a decent size amount i was at a meat puppet show that's sick meat puppets fucking rule yeah dude the band uh they nirvana covered their songs lake of fire on me and i think a couple other ones and uh dude i went down and it was like

i was i was just in a room of like maybe 60 people and like i would look at guy like dude's faces all looked like sinister elves to me where i'd be like oh fuck and then women look like beautiful angels dude so i would just i was just around elves and angels just like wow oh fuck and then i sat at my table and then the i think their nephew i think i talked about this before their nephew opened and their nephew's band fucking sucked everyone was like you guys fucking suck and was like trashing them and i was just sitting there like oh and the pups be nice to them yeah i mean they did suck i was just like oh fuck and then the puppets came on and i they had relieved they

had relieved me of such a burden that i was yelling, trying to give them my house at the time. I was like, oh, you guys didn't have my house in West Philly. They were just playing, like, shut the fuck up, dude. I was like, I'm going to give you guys the deed. Oh, yeah, that was the first time I kind of took mushrooms. I saw Cypress Hill. Oh, shit. And I was just like, Cypress Hill rules.

Dude, I couldn't believe how good Cypress Hill was. Yeah, dude. That held up. I was into Cypress Hill for like a week. They do rule. You were correct. They do rule. I didn't know they ruled.

Oh, yeah. I just kept seeing the guy looked like Louis. Be real. Be real. He looked exactly like Louis C.K. And I was like, yo, this is where Louis has been hiding. He was just like playing the drums in the background of Cypress Hill like insane.

Dude, if Louis C.K. was B-Real, that would be crazy. He'd be king, dude. Even more of a king. For sure. Free Louis. Join lives. You hear that, LA? Free Louis. Oh, 100%. Big time. Louis C.K. and B-Real should just conjoin lives and become one entity.

Yeah. That'd be strong. B-Real is the fucking man. Did you ever watch B-Real's little video podcast where he smokes weed in a car? I think it's, well, I think Mike Tyson has hot boxing, but it's essentially that. Mike Tyson has a podcast called Hot Boxing. A podcast called Hot Boxing where he gets high in a car? No, Mike.

No, no. He does it in a studio. B-Real gets stoned in a car. That's awesome. Yeah, don't mistake me. That squad was, Cypress Hill was just walking around on stage smoking every joint that was handed to them

they would smoke. At one point, what's the black guy's name? Totally have no idea. I know you're talking about him. Yeah, he brought out like, they brought out his old hat that says Hill on it or Cypress or whatever.

Damn. And like a case, and it came out and i was just break out the hat i'd listen to like three of their songs ever it's like the arc of the covenant it was incredible oh real face melter bro 100 damn dude you guys should get high i don't know i'm kind of done getting high but i i've never yeah when's the last time you got high didn't you kind of cut it out with the narcotics I cut it out I cut it out with the acid I did actually

I did actually get high Kind of recently With my girlfriend But that doesn't count That doesn't count That all depends So what are the What are the class of drugs

What was on the menu for you Everything Really Yeah dude everything So a little bit of everything Yeah So how'd you stop doing all the Well I stopped with

Opiates when my friend died From an overdose. I was like, all right, let's chill on those. You found the body. Yeah, I was just going to say. Yeah. Bam, bam, bam. They all, man.

I can't. Damn it. Sorry. Every time they start fighting, I connect my phone to the YouTube and blast the Price is Right losing horn. If she says something sad, I connect it straight to it. and blast the Price is Right losing horn. Or like if she says something sad, I connect it straight to it. She's like, fuck you, Shane. Immediately I take the heat off of her.

Oh, that's so funny. Or her whole laugh and she'll be like, fuck you, Tommy. You are absolutely gasoline to a domestic situation, dude. We joke about that too there's a what we do in the shadows have you ever seen that show oh great show funny yeah i pretend i'm an energy vampire so anytime anytime they start fighting i like i'm like well tommy did say that

just sit back like ah yes just let the fuel yeah they've been catching me like oh i hit o'connor and tommy i hit o'connor and tommy i hit o'connor and tommy i went to bed with it i threw a grenade and walked in went to bed and they said they fought for like an hour what was the grenade uh o'connor and tommy played tiger our golf video game the night before and o'connor confided to me that he couldn't putt because tommy was like yelling at him to hurry up and was like getting in his ear. So then Tommy, right before I went to bed, Tommy was like, I beat O'Connor last night. I was like, yeah, I heard.

Chris told me. He was like, what did he tell you? He was like, he told me you wouldn't shut the fuck up when he was trying to putt. He was like, I never fucking said that. And then O'Connor was like, yeah, man, you were kind of loud. And I was just like, yes. Just went to bed. You went right to the queen.

Yeah, being an energy vamp. Energy vamp rules. Just playing chess with your roommates, dude. That's fucking awesome. It's very fun to do. I'm all about that. Especially if they're drinking and I can fire them up a little. Just watch them fight.

This is why I want to get Crick drinking again. No, you don't. Oh, really? Did you know him when he was drinking? Everything I've heard sounds fucking great. It is great afterwards. While you're in it, it's just like a little goblin running around. Actually, yeah.

Did you ever tell a story about you guys sleeping at that house? I think I did. I think ever tell a story about you guys sleeping at that house? I think I did. Yeah. I think I did when he was on it. On his app, yeah. Yeah. I was just throwing ping pong balls off his face while he was asleep. Yeah.

And I just woke up and was like, are there cats here? Snot running down his face. I was like, I'm allergic to cats. And like with a blanket around him, walked through the party and everyone was like, ew. And he was like, eh. Eh. And then he slept on the, and everyone was like, ew. And he was like, ah. Ah. And then he slapped on the balcony, and I sat next to him. I was like, you loser.

You just vamped him. I vamped him. I needed his vamp. I needed his energy, dude. See, I can't believe that's – the Crick that I know is like – I just know like super uptight, like shy, like nervous Crick. No, Barn Dog used to get down, dude. He used to be the man it's chameleon

club oh yeah the lizard lounge in in fucking lancaster he was the king of the rum and cokes in them dude oh he'd be wearing like a hawaiian shirt and cowboy boots just hitting on every single chick it's like you know i'm actually a feminist and then just like he was woke he was woke for like three drinks and then was just instantly like come on baby

it's so funny having trying to be woke but having alcoholism ruin it for you you'd be woke till like three or four drinks

and then it just got down to just like you know what fuck this nobody's woke on a certain amount of alcohol nobody down to just like you know what fuck this yeah he's woke on a certain amount of alcohol nobody's like you know what dude oh no i can't stand woke goes right out the window a couple drinks in see he flipped on that hard because like i remember we had a he like i don't even know why he got mad at me but we were talking about drunk hookups and i was like i like

a good drunk hookup it's fun and he's like well nick i don't do that because i'm not a rapist and then he fucking descended the stairs like he just like he said that he just floated up the steps and then i just and then i i said like for 20 hours i was like am i a fuck am i a rapist like i was like legally yes but not if you're both drunk not if you're really in the eyes of law it's it's a bullshit law but yeah it's bullshit if both people are drunk yeah yeah that's crazy if both people are drunk yeah you if if the girl comes up and she's like oh shit i didn't remember you could be like i don't remember that either but i think if you call first yeah you gotta call dibs you just gotta you're like raped it's where it touches bass first it's like musical chairs i think you guys have to wake

up and get a wiffle ball bat and do one of those i got okay i'll send you the papers yeah yeah no it's uh yeah for some reason i think that's how it goes if you both black out and the girl's like he raped me i think you're just done yeah you're fucked yeah man but the best part the best part of the energy vampiring is occasionally people snap out of it and be like, Shane, you motherfucker. Occasionally someone will be like, this is like,

O'Connor's usually the first to get there. Be like, he's turning you against me. Well, you do. Do you ever see the vampire shows and they stare you in the eye and they persuade your people to expand? Oh yeah.

You're just Tommy O'Connor said, and he's just, well, you were being loud in my backswing. Shut the fuck up. No, I wasn't. Great. So fun.

Yeah, man. I feel like you have that relationship with Crick where he'll occasionally try to puff his chest to you after you try to... Because I love messing with him, because his brain is really malleable. You can send him in directions. He'll stand up to me, which usually makes it worse because it's usually – no, I look – Crick's the best. We all – He is the – I love Ren.

Crick's the man, and he's very, very funny. He will stand up to you in the dorkiest way possible, which is like you're being mean to me. Yes. It's just like, oh my God, dude. That's how he was when we commandeered the Xbox. Right. The PlayStation, actually. He brought up the...

You know this story, right? Yeah. When he moved in with us, he brought a PlayStation in. I just immediately took it. I just didn't stop playing it. Like 24 hours a day. I had like a full NHL season. Like the franchise just played every game.

And he'd be like, I would like to play the video games. You would play Elder Scrolls and we would just sit behind him. We'd play Elder Scrolls and we'd all be behind him. Like, yeah, so I'm going to be the Calgary Flames. Start talking about the game we're about to play. Like, oh, it's going to be great. Brandon, how much longer

do you think? Well, I'm playing right now. Oh, dude. It's my PlayStation. I brought it here. I'm going to play it.

I'd give it to him. I'd have broken down. He said that he would do that. He would just keep playing. He would stay in his ground as long as he could, dude.

He would try his best. I would have folded. He does stay in his ground. He will. Absolutely. I. He would try his best. I would have folded. He does stand his ground. He will, absolutely. And I don't know what to do with it when he does it. It's uncomfortable. It's for sure uncomfortable. He does do a good job of flipping the script of actually making you like,

because you're not going to take it to the next level and be like, no, I'm playing the video game. I have. I definitely have. Dude, I took a weed hiatus one time because I was really stoned at 10.30 a.m. And it was just me and Crick sitting in there. And I think he was just down there playing the Elder Scrolls. I was just on the couch.

It was rock bottom for you. I was just sitting there watching him play Elder Scrolls. And I started thinking about how my grandfather came over here on a boat. And I was like, fuck. Yeah. It's 1030, I'm stoned and I'm watching Crick

just grab little pieces of paper on a video game and put it in a box. It's like, I'm making a potion. I need to work on my armor. I'd be sitting there like,

dude, this game sucks. Crick loves the games where you just collect notes. He does. Where you're like a lesbian who's collecting notes. He had one that was,

I forget what it was, it was like you just lived in a house as a woman gone home you like piecing together that you're like a lesbian or something there's something like that just figuring out your sexual identity this whole episode is just trash in the bar celebration of the dog he hit me with a rock bottom once. Really? He rock bottomed me. Then he people's elbowed me. I was playing. I think I was playing NHL or something late. And then he came down in like a bathrobe and started eating like Nutella.

Just out of the cabinet, just standing there. And I like looked in and looked at him. He was like. And I was like, Jesus Christ, dude. That's such a sick superpower. Is that people will question their life. Just with your existence, people are like, what the fuck am I doing? Well, the funny, I feel like.

That's where I abandoned LeMare Crick. Yeah, fuck you, Crick. Coward Hour is coming back to Philly. The Crick moment that stands out for me still is like, so like the second time time the second time i got kicked out is when he was living with us in burbank because i just wasn't paying rent yeah and uh and you summoned crick out there like let's split an apartment you stayed on the couch yeah that was my favorite part of the homeless story was didn't you just like sleep start sleeping on the couch after a little while? Dude, you're just living here again. Yeah, after a little – and we had one roommate who wasn't happy with it.

So like when he – like he would stay home later than everybody else. So I would like hide in the bathroom. It was like – I was playing like Metal Gear Solid just like hiding. Yeah, you'd be in a box. Yeah. So it was like the 25th of the month or something. Sorry. That just deserves an extra 10 seconds of the month or something. Sorry. That just deserves an extra 10 seconds of just hiding in a fucking house.

Some guy being like, is there somebody? Here's the shower. I don't want to go in my car, please. You're just thinking about scripture from your car as I walk through the valley. Yeah, dude. You were in the whale. Absolutely. You were Jonah just hiding in the tub.

But I remember it was like 25th of the month. It was like the end of the month, and I had only just paid them for the month that I had missed. And Brendan had to have a man-to-man with me, and we got through. He's like, look, man, you've got to start paying rent. Got to do it. I was like, I understand. I feel like he says names when he's serious like nick yes he goes nick yeah he leads sentences

when he's serious with your name like shane i brought the playstation but yeah he was like he was like you gotta start. Like, we can't do this anymore, man. I was like, I hear you. It's serious. I hear you. I'm going to take it into account. Look, I'm trying to manifest some rent. I was like, you're right.

I'm really sorry. I'll have rent. I mean, there's five days till the first of the month. I have $20 in my account. That rent was not going to be there. But you know, you just have to fucking make people, you got to make people think that you're their friend in that moment.

Have you ever seen the most, have you ever seen the most violent year? No, I haven't. Well, what Oscar Isaac, the most violent year, what Oscar Isaac does in that is like he's such a good, he's so good at connecting with people

that at the end of the movie, he's able to like talk a guy into killing himself to like save his trucking company. And it's like, that's a powerful strat. That's huge. That's huge. That's able to like talk a guy into killing himself to like save his trucking company and it's like that's a powerful strap that's huge that's huge that's huge that's a huge ability hey where are we at on this time wise i was just hour 15 we could just page you want to just keep look we're gonna switch over to the patreon yeah nick you got anything you want to plug before we switch over uh coward hour yeah coward it's him and bar dog it's great it's very funny um i don't think i have oh check

out gillian keeves yeah on youtube check that out dude the uncle sketch rules and then the next time i'm doing stand-up is january 7th 8th and 9th at Sidesplitters in Tampa. You got a little break, bro. 7th, 8th, and 9th. Yeah, for the holidays. I got to go home and give COVID to my family. The new strain? I'm waiting to get the new strain. I got the new strain.

70% more spreadable, dude. Some London blokes. They did the math. Yeah. They came out with a coefficient of 45. Oh, shit. This is 70%. Yeah, the studies are great.

I got four vaccines already, dude. You would. Not COVID, but I got other ones. And I'm like, these will do. I got like four tetanus shots. I'm like, pssh. That's all you need. As long as you don't get polio on top of this thing, you're fine.

You're fine. Yeah, 7th, 8th, and 9th of January, come to Tampa. Side splitters. Can anyone sell a vaccine? If you say not approved by the FDA, could you sell a vaccine? Because apparently if you sell vaccines, no one can sue you for the side effects. So if I do one of those things like, yo, this hasn't been evaluated by the FDA, but also this will definitely –

Are you getting in the vaccine game now? I'm saying like herbal. Because you can sell herbal supplements all you want. Right. So I'm going to be like COVID killer. Heroin. Yeah, you think so? Yeah, I'll fucking knock you out.

Give him some crate. I'll get you rolling. I'll think about it. Not injectable, it's chewable. Chewable vaccine. Chewable. I'm saying if I'm with the comp dude i mean what would you rather have a gummy or a needle just saying about to make about to make

a million dude uh thank you for watching our podcast yep