Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 330- The Wedge

Episode Date: December 30, 2020

The D.A.W.G.Z. are in full effect with O'Conny in the house. Get ready for a good hour and a half of battle bots talk.  Other Topix include: Getting a gun, sunning the b-hole, Shane vs Chris, and Matt's dream about Zuckerberg Support the D.A.W.G.Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod Cop Tees @ mssecretpodcast.com/merch/

Yo, what's going on, dude? What's happening? Howdy, y'all. Damn, you're looking ripped. Yeah, man. You're looking jacked, bro. It's my new morning routine. Are you lifting?

Just body weight stuff. I got a pull-up bar, too, right now. So that's when it takes you to the next level. Wake up every morning, 7 a.m. I used to wake up at 6 a.m. Now, the extra hour gives me a little more energy. So wake up at 7, 7.15 if I'm being honest. How many hours of sleep are you getting in a night?

Eight hours. Okay. I have to get my full eight, huh? Yeah, mandatory. Mandatory. I have to get eight. Yeah, I did Peloton three days in a row. Show your legs, dude.

Not a big. My legs are yoked. We should get clear tables so we can show calves. It would be crazy. A lot of people are concerned about my body image you know i mean i get body shamed quite a bit it's kind of bullshit if they saw my legs yeah you got ripped legs are bad true i'm built like fucking saquon barkley down there it's crazy almost entirely other than my penis i imagine think he's got a huge eye? I would imagine Saquon Barkley has it.

I guarantee it's bigger than my penis. You think he's a bigger penis than you? I would be willing to bet all of my life. I'd be willing to bet my life Saquon Barkley has a larger penis than me. Wow. Imagine playing dick poker. It has to be a game. Dick poker.

One round in and out. I think O'Connor's got it. I think O'Connor's got something. Usually little guys have little hogs. A little something to talk about. Yeah. Lamar. Lamar, how's your penis?

I've never even imagined your penis. I've never even once thought of your penis. It might go either way. Yeah, it's kind of weird. I've really always thought of it just asexual being. Yeah, I have an asexual penis. How's your dong? Pretty neither here nor there?

Yeah, it's just a regular old dong. Fair to Midland dong. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what you want. I can see him having a great penis. LeMaire? Yeah, the world missing out on LeMaire's penis. Uncut.

I'm cut. You're cut? Nice. You got that Christian. You have a Christian penis? Penis. Your penis is Christian? You can sit a bunch of guys and play dick poker and just fucking have to read everybody

and bet against who you think your dick's bigger than theirs at the end you just show your hand it should be like blind man's buff like you get a picture of your dick

of your flaccid penis you get Polaroids everybody Polaroids their dick right now as we're sitting true dude mine's

mine would be insane. Oh, man. It would be cool if you could lay them out and have a race as they grow. Ew, Chris. Ew, ew, ew. We're trying to play poker, dude. How do you measure it? We're trying to have sex.

Just by the eyes. Dude, you're trying to have sex. Ew, Chris. There's nothing gay about this. Yeah, you're right. You guys are making a game. You want our penises to grow sexually? How else are you going to measure flaccid dicks?

Yes, that's the only true measure of a man. Yeah, you put the... No, no, no. Yeah, hard dick doesn't even count. No, no, it's more exciting if it's hard because then they start flaccid and people get their bets. Come on, man.

I just got done doing the podcast. We just talked about war heroes. We talked about prisoners of war go to the patreon join the patreon listen to my history podcast awesome and we had to do it first because there's no way i wasn't going to talk about the entire podcast dude the weirdest thing was i was thinking about that earlier today i'm like i don't think somebody will make it through i'm not gonna be able to get through without being like one quick thing yeah let me tell you something about the 1905 Russo-Japanese War. Yeah, there's no chance. So when you called me, I was like, oh, perfect.

I also forgot a major fact. What? In the Patreon. Dude. Right when we got done, I was like, damn it. Yeah. You got to be able to stop and edit. When you do a history podcast, you need to stop like every sentence.

Yeah. Yeah. For sure. A lot of that's also, you know they have teleprompters you can put over your camera that you just go like, hey, guys. I'm like, how the fuck are these guys keeping this many things in their head straight? True. To teleprompter right over your webcam. That's how they do it.

We're not dumb. Exactly. You and me aren't idiots. We sat and wrote out. We should one day sit out and write a podcast. I don't write a set list. Hey, Shane. I agree a podcast. I don't write a set list. Hey, Shane, I agree. Dude, I don't write.

Like, I'll have a show and wait until two minutes before I'm on stage. Like, a room full of people waiting to hear me talk, and I'm like, fuck. I wait until the feature's almost done, and I'm like, oh, fuck. It's so funny to watch. What do I have to say? I'm going to bomb. What do I have to say? I'm going to bomb. What am I going to fucking talk about? Well, that's the thing, because if you wrote it earlier,

you'd just be thinking about that bombing for longer. True. I feel like that's what, yeah, whenever you just panic and put something together, you're like, well, this sucks, but I don't worry about it for two minutes. Yeah. But yeah, guys, I don't know about you. Oh, also, check the Patreon out, because that spud intro video.

What a fucking monster. He's a master documentarian. I called him today on the way here. A lot of Easter eggs in there. That was today. That was on the way here. I called him and I was like, hey, I'm going to do this history podcast today. Can you make that for me?

And he just, exactly how I envisioned it. It's crazy. Exactly how I envisioned it. He's like a young Adam Curtis. So good. Did you ever see Adam Curtis' documentaries? me and he just exactly how i envisioned it it's crazy exactly how young adam curtis who's that you ever see adam curtis's documentaries that was a guy who did a century of the self and all those things he uses like a ton of old stockpile footage it looks really cool spud rules buzz nasty dude he just he was fucking with adobe i showed him a little premiere and he was like yeah yeah there are some easter eggs in there that lets you know it is Spud making that intro. I know. Great Easter egg.

Anyway. Anyway. Shout out to Amber. Whoa, Chris. That's what I hate about Chris. I can't believe he wants us to have sex, dude. He wants us to have homosexual sex. I don't think you guys are appreciating how much better it would be because you have a round of betting, just blind bet.

Yeah. Right? That's Dick Blackjack. Then you whip out the soft. There could be. Another round of betting takes place. I hear you on that. I do like that.

That's the flop. That's the flop. It's awful. Then you see the flop. That's Texas. Hold us. But, yeah, coming off of an episode of just Absolute war heroes Prisoners

And then I had a lot of respect You had No respect You need to respect the troops I was full of respect dude Disgust me I just love all the troops dude

You know that about me Has anyone Cusco served? My uncles dude Two of my uncles lost their fingers Oh shit Two of my uncles in the Navy I don't think they saw active duty How'd they lose their fingers?

Probably just fucking around on a dock. That's the best way to get out of service is like can't shoot. Yeah, they both lost their pointer. I have two uncles

that both lost their trigger fingers. Tip of their trigger fingers. During Vietnam? No, dude. They were like shitty mechanics in the Navy. They were like

the late 70s Navy. I have no respect for troops in the 90s other than Desert Storm. Desert Storm was no joke. When was Panama? Was that the 80s? Panama? Sounds like something respect for troops in the 90s other than Desert Storm. Desert Storm was no joke, dude. When was Panama? Was that the 80s? Panama?

Sounds like something you'd do in the 80s. Panama's a very 80s kind of place. Panama. Yeah, I would say. There's a lot of neon lights. Yeah. Panama was probably in the 80s. But yeah, two of my uncles, dude, lost their goddamn fingers, dude.

I apologize for questioning the McCuskers. Serving, like sweeping up the deck of a Navy ship, whatever the lowest thing was. Got a splinter, got infected. Yeah, dude. My mom's cousin was in Vietnam. He's a bad boy. How was your Christmas? Let's get right down to it.

What did Santa bring you? Just a knife. A knife? Just got a knife. You're going to live like your uncles. You got a knife? You know in Gump, the Lieutenant Dan montage of all of his relatives dying in different wars? Oh, yeah.

That's you guys losing fingers throughout history. I've seen you lose a finger. You almost lost this finger. I've seen you close. It's family curse, dude. Can't believe I reversed that. That should have been a lost finger that time. For now, dude.

True, I can always come up with it. You just got a knife. Why'd you get a knife? That was horrible. That was for our family Pollyanna. Someone gave you a knife. Yeah, I can always come up with one. You just got a knife. Why'd you get a knife? I get one horrible. That was for our family Pollyanna. Someone gave you a knife. Yeah, I got a knife. What kind of knife?

Yeah, it's a little pocket knife, a little sticker. Not a switchblade, nothing mechanical. A fucking Swiss Army? No, just a little, like a pocket knife. I think it's legal. But I think it's actually a little bigger than four fingers. fingers is it for something or just for fucking protecting myself dude my rights nice i got my rights my dad gave me a shotgun like last month i'm father to son transaction and now i have a knife about getting a gun everybody's thinking about getting a gun

these gun sales have i think like gone up they're at like a historical high right now i watched that movie nocturnal animals do you ever see that movie never even heard of it yeah and it made me want to get what takes place in that a guy's driving through like texas like west texas and like a bunch of hee haw guys fucking pull them over they made a movie about white guys being scary yeah imagine that yeah it's our turn right now and they pull them over big time Big time, bro. It's Jake Gyllenhaal. He's a white guy. It's white on white. Yeah. So Jake Gyllenhaal is like the guy who's getting messed with by the...

He's driving through with his wife and daughter. Yeah. And they like... There's just white Texans being like, Hey, boy! Yeah, they take his wife and daughter. They smell pussy. Yeah.

It's like blood in the water down there. Pussy goes down to West Texas. Oh, so it was like that. Yeah, they ran him off the road. Damn. They're the horniest guys ever. yeah it's like blood in the water down there pussy goes down to west texas oh so it was like that ran him off the road damn the horniest guys ever that should have been the title of the movie the horniest guys on earth nocturnal animals is pretty close damn so these horny ass guys yeah try to basically mr steel your girls dude and i was just watching this being like this could happen to me

and i was just watching this being like this could happen to me you get a magnetic mount for like right underneath your steering wheel just in case somebody wants to rape your girlfriend yeah yeah it's just like you have a gun i do need to be able to kill people yeah yeah i think we all get we all need we all need to be able to murder just in an emergency just neutralize true so kind of peace you think you get i don't know i don't really know anything about the yeah it'd have to be it should be small you know just get a revolver i want to be able to take it with me all the time i kind of want to just always you want to carry probably i just want you i just want to always have a gun of anybody in this room awesome or last on who should a gun. I've never seen a guy spaz harder.

Yeah, I think. You need to carry. You need to start carrying a weapon at all times for sure. Yeah, yeah. One of us wouldn't have made it out of that lake house. You had a handgun that trip, dude. Yeah, I need to start. Card game would have ended.

It would have been like the Wild West. No, I'd be responsible with it. You don't think I'd be responsible with it? I'd have been Doc Holliday. You can't drink. I just want to feel the power. If you carry carry a gun you can't be drunk at all we would have been playing we would have been playing horse race drinking game i would have been sitting there like doc holiday you would have taken a gun out spun it around i mean it's so hard if i was i couldn't drive with a gun i was talking to my friend today he said he used to have an uzi

sit on he's like never really he was like never shot it, except he's like in the 90s on New Year's. You know, there's like all abandoned houses behind me. So New Year's Eve, I would just go and shoot the abandoned houses. Jesus. Some crackhead woke up to it. Some Vietnam vet was sleeping in there just like, not again. Imagine on New Year's, your neighbor's just going like, just fucking ripping an Uzi right out of the back of his house into just like an old

dilapidated brick yeah yeah you'd want to you'd want to carry yourself like you don't have one so the people don't see it coming true i'm very i i try to calm things down what would you would you do the thing underneath the arm so you'd go like that? Like data? Goonies or whatever? Pitches of power. You should also, my boy who was talking about Uzis today was also telling us. He was so fucking funny.

He got his nephew a thing that looks like a cop badge. If you pull it out out it's a little knife wait wait what's it look like it's a fucking it's like a fake cop badge that has a knife in it and you pull it down freeze on the cops you can just hurt someone it's like a knife in a boot tip. Which is funny. You can falsely wear a cop hat. Whip a knife out of it. I'm actually a cop.

Actually, I'm a criminal. That was making me laugh so fucking hard. That is funny. That's such a sick present, dude. What do you know about that, dude? How old is the nephew? He's like 12. He's like 18.

Perfect age. 17. Perfect stabbing age. For perfect stabbing age for sure 17 18 that's when you're gonna get it if you're gonna stab someone those are the prime years this dude rules harder than anyone i can possibly think that was a dude who i pulled up on the other day and he was talking about i don't even remember i talked about this somewhere i forget where but that was a guy who hit oh that was when i was doing stand-up. I saw him. He looked all tired. I was like, what did you get into last night? He's like, BattleBots is back on TV. He's like, they used to have 75 robots.

Now they have 250 in the tournament. He's like, dude, I was up all fucking night. This guy had Newsy? He's watching BattleBots? Who is this guy? He's my boy, dude. Your squad is lost, dude.

If he ever tells you about members of his squad, it's just like, dude, who are you hanging out with? Who do you go

hang out with? Yeah. Where do you find a badge that turns into a knife? Dude, I don't know, man. It's like the BattleBots

merch table. That is a baguette. Dude is so fucking, he'll like show me, I'm like, how was like Halloween? He was like pumped on Halloween, so he had like is a baguette. Dude is so fucking, he'll like show me. I'm like, how was like Halloween? He was like pumped on Halloween. So he like, he had like a sick Bane costume.

This guy's a fucking man. He was like, he's like, he's like showing me pictures of the party. And then he's like, it's him. And he's like, I don't know what, like. It's just Luis Gomez? No. Dude fucking, he pulls up this one picture and he goes, I don't know what your, before he shows me a picture, he's like, I don't know how you grew up or what your neighborhood's

like, but like at our parties, we usually have like a crackhead from the neighborhood we invite over and just give him drugs he was like here's me with louis yeah yeah louis yeah whatever his name was he's like he was fucked up dude we gave him like probably a thousand milligrams of weed oh man that's a fun thing to do at a party bringing a homeless guy just toss drugs in them yeah that, that's real rich people energy. True. Bringing in the help and just being like, yeah, give them ketamine. There was a guy, Omar, in West Philadelphia.

He used to come into my brother's shop. My brother would pay him to take out the trash or whatever. And he was a Moroccan dude. He would come in, and when he wasn't all fucked up, he would take the trash out and do his thing. But then he was homeless, so he would just go to parties at Penn, and kids would just feed him acid and shit, and he loved it. He would just go out.

I would drive past him. He would sit in front of cars and try to slow them down with his hands. It probably worked every once in a while. I mean, dude, it stopped traffic. Every once in a while, they'd hit a traffic light. Excellent. No, he would stop traffic. They'd have to stop or they'd hit him.

Oh, he would stand in the way. He'd be in the way. He'd Harry Potter spell them. No, he would stop traffic. They'd have to stop or they'd hit him. Oh, he would stand in the way. He'd be in the way. He'd Harry Potter spell them. Yeah. Stopicus. He'd expel Iran or something. Yeah, that was... He died.

Nice. Killed himself, yeah. Ooh. Yeah, he killed himself. Not how I thought he was going to go. I talked about that before. I was going to...

You know what I would have guessed? What, hit by a car? Hit by a car, for sure. Thought he would have went the way of the paper boy. No, that was... He came to my brother's to my brother's wedding, I think, actually. We had a little party at my parents' house. And he came out.

And he was like, I have an objection. Crushing beers. No, no. Speak now or forever hold your peace. He was like, hold up. He was crushing beers. And then my brother was like, you have to get him the fuck. He started wiling out, too.

He was at a wedding? He came to my brother's wedding. Yeah, my brother had him come out to the after party at at my parents house and uh at your parents house why did he invite a homeless because no one was just like he was like his right hand he would always hang in the shop with him when he wasn't drinking he was great but then when he started what do you do with the party he just started talking shit to people like being a motherfucker so then i had to take him home i mean yeah dude he was he when he talked to him it was weird because he was like he claimed that he was like a doctor in Morocco.

He probably was. I know. When he wasn't drinking, he would tell you shit, and you'd be like, damn, that's fucking crazy. He also, if he saw an Asian person, he would go, I'm on to you, because he had theories about what they were really up to. What are they really up to? He had some, he was making, this is Omar's words,

he was making like, true. I just told you what they were up to. No good. Join the Patreon. had made a an extraterrestrial connection so he was like hitting them with like theories on like earth versus like planets shit wait he thought asians he was on that tip but he would sit there and he would talk about it like in depth that was weird he like but he uh yeah so I took him home. Medicine is a little bit different in Morocco. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that was like 101. Yeah. Well, here's the deal. None of this works on Asians. But yeah, so I took him home and then him and Brittany argued, of course, the whole way home. And then Brittany threatened to stab him.

And then he tried to get out of my car on 95. And I was like, dude, you've got to make it to Westwood. What are you doing? This is you. What do you mean? This is your life. This is a while ago. What were they arguing about?

He was just like kind of talking. He was just like talking shit. He was like talking to me. And then Brittany would say something, and He'd be like, yeah, right. You were probably like. Nice, dude. And she was like, Omar, if you don't stop, I'm going to fuck you up. And he's like, you won't do shit to me.

And she's like, I'll fucking stab you. And he was like, I'm going to fucking stab you. I'm like, both of you guys, what the fuck? What are we doing? Damn. Yeah, dude. She was pissed at him. Like, you're arguing.

I was like trying. I was like, you're arguing with a schizophrenic. Damn, driving a homeless dude. You ever put like a cat in a car? Oh, it must have been nuts. He was crawling around in the back. Did his chill foot up on the whole backseat. Just like fully comfortable.

Full vagabond posture, dude. Yeah, it was. That was fucking wild. That is wild. But, uh, but no. Yeah. Yeah. I was chilling with my boy today, dude.

That guy is one of the funniest dudes in the world his battle bot revelation made me laugh for like three days just being like dude they got 250 bots in the tournament it's a big tournament the big dance he's like dude he was like talking he's like describing i thought i thought when i was young i was like battle bots is gonna be the coolest fucking thing i've ever even imagined it sucked i thought it was awesome. BattleBots sucked. The best move you could do was a thing with like a ramp. That was the best one.

There was the drill. There was the boar. One of them had a ramp that just flipped the other one over, and it was like, all right, that's it. Just like an angled ramp. One of them was literally a wedge. In fact, that was probably its name, was Wedge. I think, yeah.

And it was the most unstoppable BattleBots. There was the boar. The boar was pretty good. The one that would just drill a hole in you. I don't even think. They were drills connected to remote control cars, so there was nothing like. It was the bore. The bore was pretty good. The one that would just drill a hole in you. I don't even think they were drills connected to remote control cars. So there was nothing like it was against steel. The car would just stop.

You could do a metal bit. No, I mean the wheels. There wasn't enough pressure for the drills. None of the weapons. There was like one with like a blowtorch for some reason. Yeah. A flamethrower that did absolutely nothing. Dude.

The wedge just flipped them. What are you laughing at? You like wedge. Because, dude, I fucking love BattleBots. They had the one with the absolutely nothing. The wedge just flipped him. What are you laughing at? You like wedge. Because, dude, I fucking love BattleBots. They had the one with the big hammer. Yeah, that's what the hammer is. What's that guy do? He stole the tournament.

The tournament's going now? The hammer is in. The big dance is on right now. Thursdays, dude. Holy shit. But the wedge beats the hammer every time. Wedge is the best. The wedge will flip you.

The wedge will flip you. Yeah, the hammer's top heavy for sure. Every single one of these things is a remote control car that somebody's attached a hammer to. You should get into the BattleBots. I want to Joe Rogan. What Joe Rogan does at the UFC, I'm trying to get into BattleBots. Whoa! I'm here with the Japanese game.

Like, Yoshimoto, I'm here with the winner of BattleBots. What do you got to say for yourself? Arm around him. What do you think Yoshimoto would say? I mean, it would be subtitled, obviously. He'd be like,

I'm very happy and very pleased and very proud. Very pleased with my wedge. I'm taking the wedge. The wedge. What's the wedge up to? Find out, Lemaire.

Yeah, they're going to... The wedge is going to get... I mean, it's probably a strong contender, but robotics has come a long way. Battle robotics has come a long way, dude. Is the hammer still in it? Hammer, I mean, it's probably a strong contender, but robotics has come a long way. Battle robotics has come a long way, dude.

Is the hammer still in it? Hammer, I believe, from my sources. How many more variations can there be? There's 250. I know, but there has to be like four different wedges. There's got to be like pulverizers. Punchers. Yeah, for sure, punchers.

Settling torch. You could easily. I'd like a spider-ish one, the one that walked, but he would get eviscerated. Oh, yeah. Wedge. Can you imagine wedge but now they could be like carbon fiber and lightweight

that's what I'm saying or you got a spider one called black widow this year what do you think of that guy yeah it's looking pretty sick you got two you got eight legs

it looks like a black widow and it looks like it shocks people does it have any wheels shocks them yeah probably on the bottom it looks like on the bottom oh see that's not good

that means it sucks that thing's gonna suck it has legs but it still just goes on wheels. And it's going to try to shock the wedge. I'm going to watch bots. The wedge was made out of whatever they make the steps to wrestling. What? Wrestling.

The steel. The diamond plate? Yes. It was made entirely out of wrestling steps. And all it did was flip you over. Yeah. I remember I was so excited. I was so excited.

I was like, this is the future. And I sat down and watched it and I was like, fucking Wedge? Wedge is winning? It was made out of wrestling steps. That's all I remember. It was made out of wrestling steps and I was furious. Oh, fuck. Dude.

I'm going to watch the tournament. I'll get back. I'll check in. You watch the tournament. I'm going to go to my boys' house. Oh, dude. I'm going to watch the tournament. I'll get back. I'll check in. You watch the tournament. I'm going to go to my buddy's house. With no weed. Because weed, I'm sure, makes BattleBots fucking incredible. Wait, so is the whole 250 field still in it? Or is it down to the final?

It's down to the Elite Eight. Probably the Elite Eight now, but it's a bigger pool. It's probably Sweet 16. All new bots, dude. He was telling me. He was like, it's not like before. He basically shared your concern. He's like, dude. He was telling me. He was like, it's not like before. Basically, he shared your concern. He's like, dude, they've stepped it up big time.

Do they do it like with those drone pilots? Do they have like a headset on? I haven't seen it. I've got to watch. I'm just a BattleBot poser right now. I have to watch. Lemaire's not. Lemaire, have you seen the new season?

No, but now I am. I'm going to start watching it tonight. Why? It's everything I want it to be. There's no way. There's 250 bots in the tournament. It? It's everything I want it to be. There's no way. 250 bots in the tournament. It can't be everything I want it to be. I don't like the fact that the spider had wheels on its belly.

That's not a good sign. And they don't get, like, the bots typically. You know how shitty your bot has to be for it to lose in this thing? He said there are some junkers still in there that just fizzle immediately. Yeah, there's some dope ones. There's this one that looks like a shark. There's a shark bot. That's winning me back a little.

I like that. I like that. What's its weapon? Teeth, crunchy teeth. It has teeth and it has a tail. Tail whip from shark bite? Come on. Is Wrestling Steps still in it?

Yeah, is the wedge still there? Yeah, it's called Deadlift now. Do they add like a hydraulic press that like pops it up? True, I remember that guy. It's just a wedge. It's a wedge. It's fucking useless. It's a piece of shit.

It just crushes everybody. It dominates. A wedge, that thing would fuck this room up if that came in here. A wedge would fucking ruin this whole room. I want to do a wedge room, a wedge Roomba. If someone in your house you don't like,

you just fucking pile up the wedge at them. Dude, they have Roomba lawnmowers now. What? Just saw a commercial for it. Really? Yes.

Thank fucking God. It's time. Although, that's like the only thing I like doing. Really? It's the only chore I enjoy doing. I fucking hate mowing the lawn, dude.

Cutting the lawn, I like it. I used to have to cut my whole... Toss on a pot, toss on Carlin. And again. You've been helping the old man cut the lawn and again yeah when i'm home i cut the lawn i just woke up i used to wake up every morning i was gonna have a heart attack dude true you saw the compound the fucking lawn i had that's a tough lawn that sucked it was like four hours every saturday that's a bad lawn i swore to myself i got a two hour i got a two hour push that's how much yeah. Those hills are tough on the sides of the house.

They get you going. Oh, for sure. Yeah. I was on a zero-turn skag, dude. 61-inch deck. Can't even imagine. But I had to do the perimeter with the fucking push mower. Hated that, dude.

I couldn't get the skag too close to the house. You hit a golf ball and blow out the windows. I was always pushing limits, trying to bring the skag right up to the perimeter, and they'd be like, get that thing over there. Tommy cuts our backyard, and he also grills back there and throws the charcoal into the yard. So he tries to cut the lawn. Charcoal just, it's like bullets, dude.

And they're black, so they just hit other people's houses and explode. Pretty great. We've been getting hammered and throwing snowballs at houses, which is, Tommy's got a fucking cannon. Dude, him throwing snowballs is, I get drunk and just watch him throwing snowballs at houses, which is... That's... Tommy's got a fucking cannon. You ever see him? Dude, him throwing snowballs is... I get drunk and just watch him throw snowballs. I'm like, this is like my favorite thing.

I feel like Tommy's like a... I think he might be like a Captain America. Like a shitty Captain America. Strikes me as like strong 1950s vibes. If we made a movie of the Patreon, he'd be great. He'd be a good Mario. Good Wop.

Oh, that's what I do. I go, run to the ball. I'd be great. He'd be a good Mario. Good Wap. Oh, that's what I do. I go running the ball. I go straight for the Notre Dame. Dude, speaking of, Fightin' Irish are about to have a baton death march of their own this Saturday. My boys.

I'd like to see them win. Oh, wow. You're going to be waiting another decade. I'd like to see them win. You've got to see the Russians have to save them, dude. They are going to get pounded. It's just they're due for a win. They're due for a win. Chris. They like to see them win. The Russians are going to have to save them, dude. They are going to get pounded.

It's just they're due for a win. They're due for a win. Chris. They're due for a win. Against Bama? Bama? Alabama? They're going to kill Notre Dame.

Where are they playing again? It's the Rose Bowl, but unfortunately it's not in Pasadena. Obviously they have to have it in Texas. It's in Texas, yeah. They need to get the – I just came from a family party. I know a couple things about football. All right, all right. Just talking about the bowl games. They need to get the – I just came from a family party. I know a couple things about football. All right, all right.

I was talking about the bowl games. They need to squirt some COVID. That's our hope is Alabama gets COVID and then bring in Texas A&M and then that would be a good game. Yeah. But Texas A&M played Alabama already and lost by about 30. Notre Dame's going to get – The Irish have this, too.

Wouldn't they just play a decimated Alabama team? No. Well, yeah, maybe, but it would – There's a certain percentage. Decimated Alabama team? No. Well, yeah, maybe, but it would – there's a certain percent. Decimated Alabama team still beats Notre Dame. I still think I'd like to see – It would rule. Trust me, I'm going to watch it.

And when kickoff happens, I'm going to be like, we got a chance. Oh, for sure. And then like three plays later, I'll be like, holy shit, these guys are good. Damn. It's going to hurt. It's going to be tough. It's crazy that I let myself get my hopes up for this. Like, I know.

Also, if anybody here bets, easy money. You think so? Alabama's minus 19 and a half. They're going to win by over 20. I know they are. Really? Couldn't be. If Notre Dame is within 20, that's a victory for Notre Dame.

It won't happen. You're going to have a happen. You need a support team for that day. I can't figure out where I'm going to go. I'm either going to go back to New York tomorrow or sit there and watch it with my old man. But that's a tough one to share with the family.

I've watched Notre Dame get killed with my family and it makes me annoyed. It makes me mad. My mom will be like, turn this off. They're terrible. I'm like, shut up mom. You don't know anything, mom. What do you and your dad usually do while the Irish are getting spanked?

They suck. You disagree about why they suck. True. Usually argue about why they suck. You were there for that Clemson 30 to 10. He was there for that. I'll tell you why they sucked. We celebrated.

A little strip club action after. That was a nice night. It was. Notre Dame got murdered. We saw some tits. Nice. Yeah, that's how you ease the stain. That's how you solve it.

You're at the strip club, and they're just like patting your wounds. Like, be still. Oh, that's what Santa Claus brought me. What? My Notre Dame shoes. Dude, show those things off. Hold on. Those things are fucking awesome, man.

If they lose, are you going to kick them off and run outside? Yeah, if I can hit you, man. If I can hit you, man. Dude, those things are nice. I think you should wear them 24-7. First of all. I'm wearing them until Saturday. Autograph them.

I'm going to wear them until Saturday. Sign whoever their best player is. Sign their name. Yeah, you autograph them. Saturday. Autograph them. I'm going to wear them until Saturday. Sign whoever their best player is. Sign their name. Yeah, you autograph them. Whoa. Damn, dude. Imagine. What does it say on the inside?

It says, this is good for me. This is important for me. It's got Bluetooth connectivity to the app I use to see how far I've walked. It's the Under Armour. It's the Under Armour thing. I can check how far i've sat in the room how many times you put your feet up damn dude alabama's in trouble if i'm wearing these damn look at the back look at that snake skin on the back nice imagine that coming at you matt dude

i don't want to i don't want to dude. I might install this thing in the bots. Dude. This could be a bot. Notre Dame shoe? Technically, with Bluetooth, Notre Dame shoe could stand up to the wedge. Yeah, it's attached to a couple rollerblades. Oh, thank God. It didn't chip the paint. Dude, don't have a trip.

That's just sticker left over. You're going to get them chrome dipped. Oh, no, no, no. Damn, they probably dipped them in. What is that, 24 karat? This is 24 karat. These shoes were $9 million. I like that. I like that.

I like that. What do you think of these, Chris? Would you like a pair of these? I've been following Notre Dame hockey a little bit on Instagram. You would, you fucking cunt. Well, they look cool. They got cool outfits. They do have cool outfits.

But college hockey, even when we went, it's pretty tough to watch. College hockey is pretty bad. Yeah, I thought about it. I don't remember. I remember being there. I remember. I think I fought my girl. I think all we did was all fight our girlfriends.

We decided to go to Notre Dame with girlfriends. Yeah, we fought pretty much the entire time. I got in like – me and that girl would go to Notre Dame every year, and I think every year we got in like a breakup fight. Yeah. Yeah. I wonder whose fault that was. Looking back at it.

She was probably pretty excited to go on this trip and I would just black out. And now she'd be like, I want to go see the grotto. I'd be like, I've seen it a million times. We're here to take care of Texas.

I want to go to the bookstore. I'm like, we're not going to the fucking bookstore. Yeah. I'll take the blame on that one. Dude, we, that was, that was, that was like a, we would go into rooms, fight with our girlfriends, come back out and just get hammered. Shit, I fought with your girlfriend.

We, everybody. I mean, that was battle. It was like an argument orgy. That was bots, dude. I wedged. I wedged hard. Your girlfriend came at me, hit her with a wedge, dude. Yeah, that was really funny.

That was a good time. the woodman on that trip oh we can't trash the woodman again dude he was again what are you trying to trash him a little last week oh that was uh we didn't do it yeah true that was our malicious malicious guest he's a big dude so fucking yeah next next funny nick's funny. Nicky's funny as hell. But, yeah, the wood man was very funny on the Notre Dame trip. All right, fuck it. I was about to say that. He was like, I made a deal. What was it?

He made like... He wasn't... We were all poor. Yeah. We were all poor. Thankfully, I had a girlfriend. I was baller. You were baller.

Shut up, man. I gotta stop throwing up gang signs from that show, The No-Go Zone. I was watching it. What the no-go? Ugly Americans, dude. Oh, we stop throwing up gang signs from that show, The No-Go Zone. I was watching it. What's The No-Go Zone? Ugly Americans, dude. Oh, we'll talk about it. But Woodman, yeah, so we – So Woodman, everyone –

There was not a lot of money in the house, dude, at all. And then the Woodman was definitely on hard times, and he got out there, and he was just like – Oh, yeah, we tried to Uber to something. Probably to the campus for the hockey game. We got food, too. We got food first. Food?

That was nice. What happened there? So we got food, and we're all like, all right, let's split up some groceries. Let's do some stuff. He's like, oh, I'm cool. I'm good on that. And then we're going to get – I was like, all right, whatever. Then we go to get the Uber, and he was just like, I'm not getting an Uber.

I promised myself I wouldn't spend any money on this trip. Yeah, he said, I promised myself I wasn't going to spend any money on this trip yeah he said i promised myself i wasn't gonna spend any money on this trip and then just got in the uber which strong move fucking very strong but it's so funny to just instead of just being like i don't have any money to be like ah i'd pay but i made a deal with myself i can't pay for anything i'd love to pay but but I made a commitment. There's honor there. There is honor. He maintained that.

There was one time we were on a bachelor party, and this was one of my friends. No, this was one of my friends. This was somebody else. I know, but just, you know. Dude. I don't want to be hard on the boy. No, that was genuinely very funny. We were all hammered.

It was such a funny thing to be like, I made a deal with my – I remember sitting there being like, all right then. Well played. Insane person. hammered yeah it was such a funny thing to be like i made a deal with my i remember sitting there being like all right then well played insane person well played guy that no one's gonna call out sticking to your word yeah there was a guy we went to a bachelor party one time and this dude was uh he pretended to lose his wallet right outside of the strip club and it was like dude come on i don't know man he didn't he was griping he didn't want to go because he didn't want to spend all he didn't want to spend that cash bro was he griping before he lost the wallet he's griping about going and then we get there he goes oh where's my wallet and i was like you what a motherfucker you dirty i was a bachelor party you went to a strip club yeah that sounds

like a fun bachelor party when you're a youngster dude By the time you're on your second wedding, I'm going to play some paintball. True, I'll give you that. Play some paintball and drink some seltzer. No, we're going to get LaMare up there table dancing. Oh, 100%. I'm going to fucking shake your head. We're going to get O'Connell and LaMare table dancing. Yeah, dude.

It would be awesome. Going at it. Double-sided dildo, you two. I've got to start stretching. I started stretching. That's part of my morning routine as well. Yeah. It'd be awesome. Going at it. Double-sided dildo. You too. I got to start stretching. I started stretching. That's part of my morning routine as well. Yeah. All my off days.

I'm getting like a tightness in my heel. Really? Yeah. Oh, man. Yeah, it's not good, right? You need some sun salutations, dude, early in the morning. Yeah, what is that? That's the yoga flow.

Yeah, it's up all the way down. What's the one you put your asshole in the sun? Downward dog. Wait. No, isn't that a thing? You put your asshole in the sun? Downward dog. Wait. No, isn't that a thing? You put your asshole in the sun? Do you really? Yes.

In yoga? You're a bare asshole. I don't think it's in yoga. Some people are like doing that. There's something going on right now where you put your asshole in open. Because it never gets any light, you know? Get some vitamin D on your hole. I like that.

Yeah. Perineum sunning. Perineum sunning? That's a nice way to say it. Yeah, not ass. Not hairy asshole. Not hairy asshole out in a park yeah how do you get you got it that's i mean i'm sorry but that's kind of a privilege to be able to get sun on your asshole not everyone just gets sun on their asshole it's actually the one thing

everybody can do yeah but where if you don't have like a like a private balcony not without like getting arrested you can't catch sun on your i mean i think i'm gonna start doing you could find you could find a place. You'd be surprised. If you timed it. Put your asshole in the sun. I mean, I have a little roof deck, obviously. I'm 1%, so I can sun my asshole. But my neighbor can peer down and see my asshole at any point if he looks.

I need to build up. Yeah, you need to, yeah. Get it nice and tan. How would you sun your asshole? Would you go on your belly or your back and sun your asshole? Yeah, like up on your shoulders. For some reason, I imagined back initially. Did you really?

I would go legs. I was belly spread. Face down, ass up is probably the correct way. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. But I feel like in this, whatever it was called. Perineum sunning? I feel like it's on your back.

Oh, it is on your back. Leg spread. Oh, that's actually physically hard. Yeah, this actually is kind of difficult. Is there a contraption that can kind of just spread? Is there a contraption? There's a new BattleBots? 250 new bots?

There's got to be a swing of something. New bots, you say? What did you say, Kyle? I wonder if the Department of Defense is watching bots. He's like, this kid's got talent. Bring him in. watching bots. Just like, gotta learn some stuff. This kid's got talent. Bring him in. Some fucking terrorist is gonna get hit with a wedge.

Some guy's gonna be holding a bunch of people asses and a wedge is just gonna come and pick him up slightly. It's the Black Widow bot. We've gotta go. Oh shit, they sent Black Widow. It's the Black Widow bot We've gotta go Oh shit

They sent Black Widow It's like the new ISIS The shitty like Trying to get in the door The new ISIS generals In a cave And the Black Widow bots Come and he's like

Oh no No Just cries like a dog Just dies like a dog He just died like a fucking dog Outback Daddy I can't believe he died Like a dog

Oh fuck Like a dog It would be sick If you just had If you had bots with just hammers on top i mean we do literally use bots we use battle we use real battle yeah but just with a hammer hammer bot would be good the shark tail would be wicked dude well you saw that you remember that like uh darpa got their hands on that thing i'm thinking mit or boston dynamics that fucking

like dog robot yeah that's oh yeah get that thing with the hammer and just let it run loose in the Middle East. Just set a couple of those loose. Just opening doors. Just be like, everybody stay inside for a decade. We just let out a bunch of these hammer deer. Hammer dogs. The hammer dogs are loose. We're going to set them loose.

Hammer tail. Do they have a hammer tail? And they're just going to hit whoever they run into. So you guys better stay in. Oh, dude. And you guys better stay in. It's not our fault. With samurai sword tails? Whoa. Now you're talking real violence.

I'm talking just a nice hammer dog to fucking send you back into your house. You go outside and some robot comes running over. I'm talking about to attack the enemy. I'm trying to attack the enemy as well. I'm saying we go to the Middle East. Anywhere in the Middle East. Not even people we're at war with. Toss a milk it to the enemy. I'm trying to attack the enemy as well. You want to keep them in their house? I'm saying we go to the Middle East, anywhere in the Middle East, not even people we're at war with. Toss a milk bone at the target.

We should be at war with the entire Middle East. That's our problem. We should be. And we should let out 1,000 of those robots that run with hammers attached to them that are constantly swinging and just set them out like Roombas and just hit whoever's outside. If someone's outside, you run them down and hit them. Yeah.

And just be like, everybody over there, stay inside. Quit fucking around. Quarantine. True. You know? That's my plan. Maybe like a six-month bomb chill. People would probably be like, wait, how many fucking builders are there?

It'd be so funny to see that dog going around. Yeah. And then ISIS puts together a wedge. A wedge? Oh, dude. Dang. You would sell them a wedge, wouldn't you? You would. ISIS puts together their own wedge. ISIS puts together a wedge. A wedge? Oh, dude. Dang. You would sell them a wedge, wouldn't you? You would.

ISIS puts together their own wedge. ISIS puts together a wedge. Russia sells them a wedge. Oh, fuck, dude. Wedge. It's over if wedge gets in there. Like general. General.

Hammer dog versus wedge? Oh, the general would get the footage and be like, oh, my. Where the hell did they get a wedge? Just seeing it roll into town. Oh. It'd be black, painted with the fucking scribbles, white scribbles on it. Turns out Hillary Clinton sold them the weapons to the wedge. Goddamn Obama and Hillary sold them the wedge.

Yeah. El Bactar al-Bid al-W they've got a wedge. What happened? Well, can we send a wedge in and be like, what happens when two wedges collide? We don't know. We don't know. Just slowly. That's what happened in the Civil War.

What? I'm on a history right now. What happened? The Mary Mac versus the Monitor. We had both the North and the South built boat wedges. What? And then they first off, they killed all the other ships immediately. And that was just two wedges in the sea.

They fought for like hours. And neither of them did anything to each other. We got to get behind each other. Well, they were literally built like wedges in the sea. They fought for like hours and neither of them did anything to each other. We gotta get behind each other. They could, well, they were literally built like wedges. Yeah. They were built like,

for some reason, like tents on the water of steel. Holy fuck. And every cannonball just bounced off of them and they just fought each other for hours. Fuck, dude. Enough that like, I think people saw it

from like the shore. What the fuck? And I was like, look at these bots, dude. Look at these fucking wedges.ges wedges are going nuts didn't they build like a little submarine ball with like a scooter they built all types of crap bicycle in it they battle bought it out they built like we got 250 bots dude we're gonna give these things chances that was world war one was battle bots also oh really they were just like we're just testing shit out. Just weird fucking contraptions. Throw it out there, see what happens.

Fuck, it's so funny. Yeah, they invented like planes and tanks and everything just in that war. Like machine guns, barbed wire. Balloon to drop bombs on them. Yeah. Jesus Christ. Pretty tight. That's awesome.

They were just like, let's try stuff. Throw it out there, see what happens. I wonder if someone went with a wedge first. Wedge tank? I don't know why they didn't do it. Just knocked over like a guy. Like mission accomplished, dude. Yeah, imagine going back in time with a wedge first. Wedge tank? I don't know why they didn't do it. Just knocked over like a guy. Like mission accomplished, dude. Imagine going back in time with a wedge.

That guy's muddy. Think about going back in the 30s with an AK. When did AKs come out? Say the 1800s with an AK. That would be crazy. Yeah. Imagine going back in time with a wedge, dude. Yeah.

Taking out a whole cavalry. I'm guessing. 59 for the AK-47 yeah look I think that's a good unless it's 1947 yeah it's gonna be like 48

what'd I say 48 designed between 1946 and 1948 and it was produced in 1948 there you go that's probably why

it's an AK-47 now that you think about it could be it's a good thing we ended that war yeah before those boys got got those coughs.

Oh, boy. Japanese would have been in trouble. Anyway, come on. Sorry. Let's get back to wedges. True. Dude, this might be like the dumbest thing in the world, but today I had a, well, I wouldn't call it intense,

but when I wake up in the morning, I go downstairs. First thing I do is I meditate for 20 minutes every single day. It's my new regime. Before, I'd go down and I'd work immediately. Now, I do just meditation. Yeah, it's my new regimen. I go down and do – It's a new regime.

It's been a regime change. It's been a regime change. Yeah. So now I do stuff like just for like my mind and body before I do anything else. So I'll meditate. Then I'll do like a little workout or if I already worked out I'll do a little stretch day but I started and usually too after I meditate I journal my dreams that I just had the night before so it's like the mornings for me are like incredibly mystical but I have so I'm meditating I'm trying to like usually I'm trying to think of like you know what was the dream I had and uh

I start thinking about well first of all i'm like kind of like being like dude stop trying to use meditation time for production time this is something i struggle with all the time i'm trying to meditate i'm thinking about my two productive thinking about my next move it's like two industrious i was born with a 40 chess board in my head dude it's not my not my fault but yeah so i'm sitting there i'm trying to like dude just you know stop stop planning stop fucking scheming dude just relax And I started thinking about a dream I had recently. I'm trying to make sense of the dream meeting. And I was in a little room, and I just enlisted in the Army.

Naturally, I'm telling everyone, like, yeah, just enlisted. I'm just bragging to a room full of people. I literally did that. Go ahead. I actually lived this. Feel good? It felt great. That was the coolest shit in the world to be like, yeah, I'm joining the Army.

It felt really good. I was in a room full of people. I'm like, yeah, I'm going to go. It's about that time. And then Mark Zuckerberg walks in. And he's like, oh, you're in the military. I'm actually going to swim back to base. It's 20 miles.

Do you want to come with me? You're drenched again. So I'm like, I'm in the room full of people I'm bragging about. And I'm like, I'm bragging to you. So I'm like, oh. Mark Zuckerberg's like, I'm in the military. I'm actually swimming back to base if you want to swim. I so I say yeah, it's okay No problem, so I mean Zucker in the water and it's dude

It's fucking like you know I'm in the ocean like where I can't even feel like my feet or I'm I can't like touch the Bottom sure so the water is really rough. It's ripping 20 miles out at sea We just we weren't even out yet.'re like just like i just said 20 miles to go yes so i get out there i'm like zuck do i get a fucking wetsuit or something he's like no i was like suck i'm gonna fucking drown out here dude this water's cold i'm like it's choppy he's like that's why he'll never be great and he just swims away from me and i'm like motherfucker whoa so then i swim back to shore and then so you know the whole part of the dream i'm pondering i go is that why i'll never be great or do people die because people like zuckerberg want to be great so i'm you know

obviously i'm meditating i'm meditating so i'm meditating upon this and then i'm like dude i wonder what fucking someone with as much power as zuckerberg like what the fuck do they do because i started thinking about zuck again i'm supposed to be meditating? Because I started thinking about Zuck. Again, I'm supposed to be meditating, so now I'm thinking about Zuck. And I'm like, fuck, dude, when that guy's on C-SPAN, like, um, yes, Mr. Senator. He's probably waking up, like, just, like, underneath people every morning, just fucking, like, boys, girls, old men. Yeah, if you're a billionaire, you're definitely having, like, wild orgies. I don't think he is.

I think he's just a weirdo that's, like, with his ugly girlfriend. You think so? The mayor has something hot. I've seen Mark Zucker a weirdo that's like with his ugly girlfriend. You think so? The mayor has something hot. I've seen Mark Zuckerberg's office. He's a nerd. Okay. You've seen his office? Yeah, he doesn't fuck.

Why? He just fucks his wife. Huh? What about the band? High school band. They get real fucking weird and freaky. True, that's true. The band is the freakiest group.

True. Yeah. He's had a band kid. Why on earth were you in Mark Zuckerberg's office? I have a friend who works at Facebook, and I visited. You went in Zuck's office? I was in Facebook earlier this year, January. Zuck's office, though?

I walked past it. You can't get into his office. He has bulletproof glass. That's a good call, dude. That must suck, dude. You must get nothing but death threats from dudes like, fuck you. I had a fucking dream about you last night. You said I'd never be fucking great.

That's why they built castles back in the day. It's the same reason you're building. Oh, yeah. Everybody that's that rich and famous, people are like,

I'll kill you. All the peasants are like, I'll fucking kill you. Fuck you up. It's like build a wall. It'd be sweet if he got killed. Zuckerberg? Yeah.

What a nasty thing for you to say. No, I think it'd be fun. I think it'd be fun. I'd like to see more like assassinations, I think. You think so? Of, like, tech? Just people being like, yeah, they just got too big,

and, like, now you have to kill them. Who do you think would kill Zuck? The wedge? Just wedge him up. That could be his. Wedge him right up. I would imagine Zuckerberg does run like that Boston Dynamics deer. Like very weird, like falling.

The wedge could fuck him up. I'm telling you, man. He'd send in a bot on him because he'd probably be like, oh, sweet. Oh, nice, a wedge. A bot, yeah. And it just frees over his balcony. It wedges him, then pops him. The hydraulic pop sends him to his

fucking death in Hawaii yeah he'd be so shocked that a wedge got him yeah it gets right under that bulletproof glass yeah true

just right through the gap yeah true dude so you didn't think about the wedge oh Trojan horse he put it on the elevator he's like

sweet robotics bring it in it's a gift turns out it's a fucking wedge it's just a robot box he's like oh well turns out it's fucking cuts in half and it's two wedges dude whoa dude it's two yeah turned out it's double he's obviously gonna call a security team of bots he probably has security bots but if you give him like a box it's like oh a simple this is nice oh a wedge and then it splits into two wedges dude fucking one for each foot yeah just takes him wherever it wants him now you're a prisoner to the wedge you're at its will some 14 year old who built it

dude so i'm sitting there today and I'm like, I love that the wedge was the best bot because it was definitely the worst. Some guy was like trying to build like a hammer

on top of it or like a drill and he was like, let me just fucking flip these other guys fucking things. This thing's unstoppable. You gotta own the ground.

I mean, imagine being part of the team of the wedge. The low man. The team behind it. He of the team of the wedge. The low man. The team behind it. He comes out, he's like, the low man. That's a good idea. What if we just make it a fucking wedge that flips things over?

Interesting. We've been completely overthinking this. We've been overthinking it. Oh, you just run right into the other guy. Man. Boss is... Battle it. Oh, yeah. Just run right into the other guy. Man. Boss is... Battle Boss is back, dude. I'm watching, dude.

Sports... Do they still... Do they do, like, Black Lives Matter? Do they do, like, commercials where it's like, this is the time to rise up. It's just like

a spider robot walking. Together we rise. No more police brutality. Shot of the wedge. I'll be curious to see if we actually do that i can't dude i'm done with those commercials i'm out i'm done dude i was telling you before t-mobile man like let's rise up together and it's like shut up you guys are a multi-billion dollar corporation like just give some of the money up then you guys are so preoccupied it's so funny to be that preoccupied with social justice than being like we're gonna keep billions of dollars for ourselves yeah it's like give fork

the fucking cash yeah i think i think the way you guys all those big corporate wedges blue lives matter yeah i agree with that wedge is definitely a hardline republican wedge is very conservative everyone's with their new fangled hammers and sharks biting. It's like old school. Running down their throats. Straight ahead. It's simple. The wedge is doing post-game interviews like, well, we got to see the rest of the footage.

What did they say before the cop shot? Just follow the fucking rules. The wedge is the ultimate riot control vehicle. The wedge is like digging up scary high school pics. Man. Yeah, those commercials have been drilling me. Oh, they're brutal. They've been wedging me, dude.

They've wedged my dad. He sits on the recliner and one of those commercials hits him. He's like, oh. They wedge him off, dude. Well, they're taking off like they're... He hates LeBron James now. Yeah, dude.

He hates LeBron James. Imagine you're an old white dude and you're like, oh, nice, a Titleist commercial and then all of a sudden it's like some guy being like, hey, you fucking old white...

Yeah, some guy at the Titleist is like, are you sick of white pussies ruining everything? Whoosh. Take a look at this drive. No, but every... All right.

Now, this is a... This is something I'm going to admit to you guys as friends me and my dad were watching commercials and we're counting we're just taking inventory of their ethics i think diversity in each commercial sure that's good diversity in each commercial you guys are making the numbers are astounding you commercial. Yeah, you guys are making sure. The numbers are astounding. You guys are making a spreadsheet. We made our spreadsheet. We wanted to make sure there was more inclusivity. I think right now we're hovering around 90% inclusivity. The only chance there's not a person of color in a commercial

is if there's no people in the commercial. Or if it's like a local, like, do you need new windows? True. They should start diversifying those. If a guy's like... We got to one and it was like, nice, Porsche, Germany. It's just like three black dudes driving Porsches. It was like, God, Jesus Christ.

It's wild. Do black people like Porsches? Everybody likes Porsches. I hate Porsche. I hate the new Porsche. I never... Look, I know it's kind of a hack bit to be like... It's funny to watch these commercials.

But if you sit down with the dad, you sit down with your dad and let him get fired up about it like it's funny to watch these commercials and but if you sit down with the dad you sit down with your dad and let him fire get fired up about it it's pretty fun you want that you want that toy up dude just dude i do it's crazy watch like you've talked about it before i i would call it a little fox news at my boy's house today it's fucking nuts fox news is wild you know what the story they're running right now? Is a cheerleader who got kicked out of school. I don't know which racial slur she used, but she used it when she was 15. And someone dropped the video on her. So she was like, I don't know.

She had to use the N-word. She's a lacrosse player. Was she? I thought she was a cheerleader. The only word you get kicked out of school for is the N-word. Yeah, she said it in 2015. Well, you could say it back then. So she was a cheerleader for like a D1 football. She's in high school now? No, she was it in 2015. Well, you could say it back then. So she was a cheerleader for like a D1 football.

She's in high school now? No, she was in high school. Okay. For some reason, recorded herself hitting some, you know. I got to see the tape. Singing it? No, I don't know what it was. Oh, yeah.

What did she say? I think she said the N-word. Her friend released it to like teach her a lesson or something. I just saw the headline. After George Floyd died, her friend was sitting on the tape and lesson or something. I just saw the headline. After George Floyd died, her friend was sitting on the tape and was like,

bam, fuck you, lady. And the lady was like a cheerleader for A&M and she like... A&M? One of those schools. I forget what it is. Can't believe A&M

didn't stand by her. It's a good program. A&M's a good program but a nice racist program. They'll keep you around. This lady hit the fucking bricks, dude. It was at Cambridge University of Tennessee.

University of Tennessee. That's my dynasty. lady hit the fucking bricks, dude. It was at the University of Tennessee. University of Tennessee. That's my dynasty. That's my online dynasty, dude. We lost the cheerleading? She's going to be in the Derby. I think she's going to have to do roller derby for a couple years just like Larson, dude. She's literally on a full scholarship to support black people. That's her thing, right?

Cheerleading? Well, when you put it that way. Jeez, Chris. You're saying she should be able to you're saying in order to cheer more effectively she needs to unlock her vocabulary i'm just saying that it's like she chose she chose a like uh a college i don't know what do you call that like her like sport that's a sport no they do like it is a sport i watched watched Cheer. I watched that show. I watched that show. A&M isn't competing.

No, she's just on the sidelines again. Oh, that's a nationally competitive – Yeah, that's a national program. I dare you to watch Cheer on Netflix and not jerk off and not get inspired. Was she on the competition team? Was she on the competition team? I think she had problems. Either way, dude, she had team spirit.

We've established it. She had the spirit. She got a little excited one day in high school. True. I wonder if it was one of her high school chants that she used. B. Aggressive. But yeah, so I'm watching that.

They do that story, and then they shoot. Yeah, you got it they shoot they shoot to court like a correspondent being like yeah that's ridiculous i mean dude that was a really long time ago and people are 15 like obviously it's not who they are today and they're like in other news uh alec baldwin's wife is apologizing for using a spanish accent we looked into it she's not even that spanish or something like that. Oh, God. And then there was like a Spanish lady comes on and is just like, yeah, and like does the Spanish accent. She's like, oh, can I even do that?

And it was just – Yeah, Fox exacerbates it. They're just getting people fired up, dude. They exacerbate. Yeah, yeah. That was the news today. It was that and then like Alabama, Georgia. A 15-year-old getting kicked out of school for saying the N-word or when she –

that's – but I got to see the tape. Yeah, you always got or when she that's but i gotta see the tape yeah you always gotta go see the tape because i think everyone's not like high school girls i've seen some videos of those that are pretty brutal yeah where they're like and to all you fucking yeah hit it like yeah what are you gonna say lamar what's starting to sound like a wedge who you why because you Gotta see the tape. That's wedge talk. If somebody said the N-word when they were in high school and got a scholarship revoked because of it,

that's ridiculous. Yeah. That's ridiculous. But, I gotta see that tape. Depends how hard she hit it. Are we talking she was singing along? True. I hate them and that's not gonna change. Yeah, if it's that. If it's that. If it's that.

Like Bieber had one. Bieber had one when he was that age and everyone's like, this guy rules regardless. Exactly. Bieber had it. Yeah, Bieber withstood one. Bieber withstood a brutal one. He was singing like an old timey racist song. Yeah.

Song like you'd have to, the only way you would have heard it. But he's part of that surrounded by like klansmen oh dude it's gotta be it's gotta be yeah true like i never heard of that it's gotta be terrifying to be part of a team like a multi i guess a billion dollar team that's centered around like a 16 year old and be like no no no no no no no yeah he's like let me just sing the n-word on camera like no no you're gonna ruin everything dude don't do that ludicrous likes you usher likes you true usher brought him in usher brought him he ushered him in yeah he did usher him in but those guys yeah what they won't care right if the money's right wow dude you think usher you think you first of all you're accusing usher of

giving that guy herpes i'm just saying that like usher gave a guy herpes allegedly yeah some guy sued him for giving yeah yeah yeah nice apparently he left a little bit out of confessions dude he was doing more than getting women pregnant he was like raw dog and dudes allegedly usher was usher was giving men unless some guy just came at him with a bullshit case gaping sores yeah some guy came unless some guy just got herpes and went to his girlfriend like you won't believe it you're going to fucking believe who gave me this. Urscher sucked my dick, dude. You remember Usher? He had a fucking cold sore.

He sucked my dick. He fucking ate my ass with a cold sore. Is that transferred? It does. It does. Sometimes. You got to watch that. You get your ass eaten with a cold sore?

You got to watch cold sores. If you do ass eating, dick suck ass. Okay. Definitely don't suck anybody's dick with a cold sore that you can get. You got to watch cold sores. If you do ass eating. You got a cold sore, no eating ass. Okay. Definitely don't suck anybody's dick with a cold sore. Definitely don't do that. Don't do it. Fuck you, man. Trying to make me feel bad about that?

I'm not a wedge, dude. You're a fucking wedge. You're trying to wedge me. I'm sorry. I don't want that 15-year-old expelled from school for a TikTok she made in 08. Yeah, that's fucking nuts, man happens yeah yeah i mean it's well it's such a funny thing because you try to defend it you're like ah come on look yeah like guys we all say things guys shut up about it we've all said it it's like look it's amazing It's horrible. It's amazing. Tennessee. Yeah.

Dude, Knoxville, Tennessee. That stadium, old Neyland Stadium. You tell me when one of those wideouts catch the ball, that whole stadium. If you could count how many there were. And said. In the stadium? In a stadium of 100,000 people. Oh, yeah.

And we're going to target that one. 40%. It's got to be the same as the fucking... It's got to be a Japanese death camp. Probably a 40% rate. Yeah. Dudes from fucking Tennessee. Please.

Please. Makes me sick. Yeah. Fuck. I hope... She's probably so hot. She's hot. She's probably so fucking hot.

She's hot. In that orange cheerleading uniform. Yeah. Woo. She's hot, bro. Show me a picture of this young racist. Yeah. Let me see. Let's see if I can find... I thought you were with A&M. Woo! She's out, bro. Show me a picture of this young racist. Yeah. Let me see.

Let's see if I can find it. I thought you were at A&M. No, Tennessee. No, Tennessee. This might be the hottest young racist out. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'm trying to see. Oh, yeah.

Ooh, the hottest new racist. Who's this hot? I've got to find the tape. But yeah, dude. But yeah, Fox is a total brain scramble man if you're watching the fox and then you're watching the commercials it's got to be it's crazy all those channels are fucking dude this is the thing i can't reconcile with people who are uh what do you say nothing just a tendency trailer holding up in a letter i've been watching a lot of women's programming like murder stuff

really yeah hanging out the lady no it's it's i was watching one you know that guy do you remember Humans programming murder stuff. Really? Yeah. That's kind of nice. No, it's... I was watching one. You know that guy? Do you remember the guy who killed his whole family out in Colorado? No. No. He buried his wife and kids in an oil rig or something. Nah.

That's girl knowledge, dude. I know. All they do is listen. All they do is listen. Shut up. This reminds me of I was listening I was just looking at cheerleaders

I was just looking at college cheerleaders did you find her? no I just looked at different cheerleaders but I was listening shut up Chris everyone's why I listen to like just whatever the top podcast is. And I think it's called My Favorite Murder is the number one.

It's just two chicks talking about murder. It's chick stuff. But the one girl, this is my favorite thing. So I've never listened to this podcast. It's like always top two or three. It's crazy how popular this is. Turn it on. So that means these girls are millionaires, by the way. is it morbid not that that has anything to do i didn't get past the

first four minutes because this girl was like thank you for joining us on my favorite murder first off wild name my favorite murder and then they cover actual humans that died yeah yeah uh and it's just two girls like remember that fucking guy who buried his family in the backyard? What a fucking crazy story. But it opened with one of the girls. One of the girls' cats died. Her 16-year-old cat died. And she opened the podcast by being like, thank you so much to everybody who's been reaching out to me about, and she's like, and he was,

he's the reason I'm so brave and strong. She started crying because her cat died. Her 16-year-old cat died, and she gave a speech at the beginning of the podcast about how him being in her life gave her like, bravery. She was like, he brought so much joy to so many people's lives

yo yeah there's a whole cat dude it's a whole the whole the whole culture is like fucking crazy it's crazy like uh the episode that i was watching was like this guy kills his whole family which is horrific so i'm like all, this guy's a piece of shit. Yeah. Yeah. Open and shut case. But... Turns out his wife said the N-word.

Now it's a little tricky. Now... Dude, they're like... Was she in eighth grade? Well, they spent the whole time... They spent the whole time, like, looking at footage of him, like, because there's, like, all this cop body cam footage of after these people go missing, them talking to him and shit.

And he's trying to cover it up, obviously. Naturally, he's trying to be like, what? Then they start like, what wife? Your wife and child are missing. What? Wow. What fucking wife? It's crazy.

They start looking at this guy's life. He has no history of violence whatsoever. Like, everyone around him is like, yeah, he's like totally a normal guy. Never did anything. It wasn't like killing cats as a kid. Never did sign. Yeah, it wasn't doing, like. What is that?

Don't even worry about it. Tell your fucking story. Go ahead. Jesus Christ it's nicotine bath sauce just josh it bro be cool be cool bro

zine out bro how cool does fucking Chris look Chris looks like some fucking peppermint zine himself is that you look like cool mint

you look cooler than the other side of the pillow is that nordic dip you dress you look like a fucking what does he look like uh i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i apologize i was listening i apologize so he uh no history of

violence whatsoever no history of violence whatsoever then it starts coming out this lady was like treating him like shit well for like she's yapping for like eight years just like just ripping them yeah and they're just like yeah but then they show texts where she like asked him what kind of vegetables he wanted for dinner and they just kind of like gloss she knew she was pushing it well she they have a revolution where she's like man i guess like i I've been really terrible to him for a really long time. Damn. And then there's two more text messages that are like, what kind of greens do you want? I got some steak for dinner tonight.

So it turns out their revelation was that his wife sucked? No, but it's like they didn't investigate that really at all. They just like they hinted at it and then they get back to him being a piece of shit. Everybody's wife. I don't know, man man every dude you should come fucking hang out at my house dude my dad gets crushed his family didn't go to the funeral didn't go to the wedding because she was when they got married the family didn't go to the wedding so we're not talking classic nagging we're no no no super bitch they were like saying

like and they were like well his family hated her hated her. They said, hey, buddy, I'd love to go to your wedding, but your wife's a fucking bitch. We've said our piece. We're not going. And in the documentary, they're like, well,

they hated him. They hated her because she wanted to move out to Colorado. They're from like North Carolina or something. And then they, they go to like an interview with the family. And it's just like, the mom is like, I could never get along with that woman.

She's a nightmare. It's like, that is nothing. The mom is like, I would have killed that bitch if my fucking son didn't, which he didn't. They're like, are you going to investigate this at all? Like, what? Yeah. Did he kill the kids?

Oh, he killed. He killed everybody. How many kids do you have? He killed everybody. How many kids did he have? He killed two kids. I mean, he's like, he's a fucking horrible person. That'll catch him.

So wait, you were listening to this like, man, this girlfriend's a real, this wife's a real bitch. Well, I was like, are we going to look into what this lady was doing at all? Someone with no history of violence kills their whole family. We're not going to examine why that happens. Valuable information. Yeah. I hear you slightly. Family doesn't go to the wedding.

Like, what is this woman doing? So you're like, after Columbine, were you like, well, what were those kids saying? Yeah, I am. I'm wondering what those kids were saying to those two nice boys. That'd be a nice article on Cosmo Magazine,

just like women who got murdered. Here's 10 tips to get murdered if you want to be on your favorite podcast. First, marry a docile man. Second, break his will over a decade.

Phil, dude, watching Phil rope-a-dope my mom, it's pretty impressive. She comes down and just fucking nails him, dude. Because he just sits and drinks and watches sports. So she, you know, she has a problem with that. She doesn't like that. But it's what he does every day. So she's mad at that every day. It's pretty fun to watch. What does she want to do? It's what he does every day. Yeah. So she's mad at that every day. It's pretty fun to watch.

How does he get at it? How does he? He just swallows punches. He's a wedge, dude. He is a fucking wedge, dude. He just sits there and gets drilled, and he's just like, he'll look at me sometimes and be like, Jesus Christ. He just fucking weathers the storm, dude.

And she brings it. She brings the heat. Does she really? Oh, she'll come down and bring the heat on him. And she brings it. She brings the heat. Does she really? Oh, she'll come down and bring the heat on him. And he's just like, Jesus Christ. You've got to start getting them like date night things. Everyone's always like, shoot me in the fucking head, huh? It's pretty good.

You've got to start getting them like date nights. Sign them up for like things. Well, that's the thing. He won't do anything with her. That's what I'm saying. You've got to sign them up. Which, you know, they're fucking 65. Date nights are, it's over. Two years into a relationship i'm done with dates i'm going into full wedge on the fucking recliner getting yelled at just like whatever bitch i don't

know what her problem is oh we're going to no name i'm wedging on the couch. I'm blacking out. Oh, my God. It's a killer tradition to simply, you just have to lock down a woman and then totally ignore them. Fully tap out of the relationship mentally. Yeah, fully tap out. Just check out, sit there, watch sports. Anytime they're like, do you want to hang out?

You're like, oh, my God, again with the nagging. Yeah. Oh, my God. It was good, though. I mean, it was so fucking funny. Because then, all right, this is me to my mom. My mom's a sweet lady.

I love my mom. She's great. She's so funny. She's very nice. But she fights with a lot of us. She's not, everybody in my family is argumentative.

Chris threw that in my face once. Seriously. You remember that? You threw that down my gullet? You scoffed. That. Seriously. You remember that? He threw that down my gullet. That cost me. He attacked your family? He attacked in front of women. We had two girls.

We were hanging out. We had very nice women. You're talking about the honor of your sister? You're talking about swallowing punches. I was swallowing punches. You guys were hanging out with partners. I thought you were talking about you were hanging out with your sisters. You guys were hanging out with partners.

We were hanging out with sexual partners that we had met in a casino. And he attacked your sister. And I... So Chris and his sexual partner started fooling around a little bit. And I said, what the hell is going on over there? Just to fuck with him. And he spazzed. It was like your whole family's a piece of shit.

You know what I'm saying? And I was like, oh my God, Chris. It's this is funny thing about how drunk you were at this point is being like oh i wasn't that bad i had my words about me his he may not have shane's strategy for flirting is annihilating the man standing next to him good move to flirt dude let him know you're an alpha you You destroy whoever you're around. Like, look how fucking shitty that guy is. 30 minutes ago, we were friends. He's turned on you.

Yeah. No, snooze got around and Chris gets very, my precious. You ever see a little dog with a sock? You're going to accuse me? Little dog with a sock? You're going to accuse me? You're going to accuse me? No, I can get awfully hard on you you but it's funny because you're usually

pretty funny and then eventually you do erupt which is the funniest part it's the funniest part dude it's the juice in the gusher it's so funny dude when he spazzed it and he was like your whole fucking family does this like where it's like talk shit to each other and it just first off that was like a revelation i nobody had ever like hit me with that i was just like yeah i guess my whole family is kind of shitty like i guess we do talk a lot of shit yeah well yeah well that's what happens is he winds up shitting all over me because whatever girl he's interested it's a war of attrition it's friendly jabs i hit him with his many no it's jabs it's not not hooks. It's not friendly jabs. It's not hard hooks. It's jabs.

His girl is like, oh my god, you're the man. No. And then I have to explain to the girl I'm with why I'm friends with him. That's like, that's the whole conversation. Whatever we were talking about turns into like, so you're friends with him? Chris.

Yeah, no, you should have seen him 20 minutes ago. They're trying to divide. Yeah, you should have seen him before this. Before you guys showed up. No, that's crazy. I would never. Have you ever seen this behavior from me? Never attacked me in front of a lady.

I would never attack you in front of a lady. LaMare, have you ever seen this type of behavior? Oh, my God. No. Not once, have you? Bunch of yes men. Bunch of yes men? Yeah, you think Matt and LaMare are yes men?

No. But I don't think Matt's been in the same situation. LaMare's more of a yeah, man. Sure. No, I've never had a – I don't think we've ever – we've never been in a sexual tag team situation. Yeah. You guys. You guys.

Technically, we had a three-way in South Bend. I've never harnessed your – I've never been around your sexual energy. I'm very sexual. Yeah, that might be what it is. He's a very punishing sexual energy. It's just an orbit. When I get into sex mode, everything just... If a girl even is like, oh, he looks cute.

Shane's just like... What? What a nasty thing to say about me. Do you hear this song? I haven't said one nasty thing about him. Not one nasty thing about him. When we were in Indianapolis, some girls came up and said,

we're just saying, just talking to me. What is this? He goes, you fucking put a hat on. You fucking... You put a hat on, You put a hat on. Girls think you're cute. You little fags. Oh my God.

That's funny. It's so funny. I'm not saying it isn't. You wore a hat that night on stage. I was like, you wear a hat? You think you're fucking so big shot? It's just a joke. Now imagine, Matt. Now let me defend myself because you've just

come in here and wedged me i've been nothing but nice to you so imagine if you can if girls are talking to a guy and you come up and be like you think you're fucking cool because you're wearing a hat and the person you say that to is like you know me it's impossible to stop so like once i see an ounce of like shades being hard on me i can't stop he found himself getting lifted he was like and now it's now it's if i'm yeah if i see him walking up it's, now it's, if I'm, yeah, if I see him walking off, it's just full panic. Like I gotta get ready to get hammered. I come in, I support you. I support you. I do nothing but lift you up.

If I'm wearing a thing and someone comments on it, my entire night's ruined. Oh, yeah. Dude. At that point, I just want to go home. I just want to go home now. Dude, at that point I just want to go home. I just want to go home now. If Shane sees me smiling and a girl within like six feet of me, it's trouble.

Well, it's fun. It's fun to do. It's trouble. It's fun because the stakes are high. Because if Chris is talking to a girl, it's in. It's time. He's very serious and like, don't fuck this up for me. Don't fuck this up energy. So obviously, you know me, dude.

No. Got to do it. Sex is nothing. It's disgusting. Sex is for women. My energy is like, oh, I'm out with my friends. My boy's here. This is great.

We had a good show. And then he walks up and it's just like you fucking piece of shit I'm like shit this is my good buddy you fucking you think you're wearing a hat

you wear a hat you think you're big time it's just like so do you know him or are you oh it's so fucking getting that girl question of like

so like are you guys like friends now I remember why now I remember why now i remember why that was because they these girls were standing there and they're like you were our favorite to chris i was just like fucking wear a hat you think it's fucking cool oh fuck so you're in a submarine war mode at that point, you just go, oh, locked eyes on the target. Yeah.

And I locked on on one of those targets and I smooched. I smooched that night. Just smooched? Petting? I only smooched. No petting. I smooched multiple days.

I smooch a lot. And that was during COVID. That was the beginning of COVID. Hell yeah. Fuck yeah. Gotta smooch. Have to smooch. You gotta start getting

real into strictly smooching. I am. It's hot, dude. I'm into strictly smooching. Just smooch. Have to smooch. You gotta start getting real into strictly smooching. I am. Oh, that's hot, dude. I'm into strictly smooching. Just smooch me. Say, ma'am, can we kiss? That's what I say. Say, can we kiss?

Say, ma'am, pardon me? Can we smooch once? Then Chris sits there and he's like, why can't I smooch? I wanna smooch! I get real quiet. I was like quiet Shane's gonna take one of them off somewhere

and then I can that's disgusting take one of them off and you can bloom now imagine him blooming how fun that is to fucking destroy him peacocking around girls

me in full bloom and then Shane who I think is done for the night walks back out that's trouble great close back.

And I just get stomped on. Chris, come on, man. Oh, my God. That's disgusting. How are you going to act like I treat you poorly? I care about you. You're so fucking funny. Golly.

Makes me sick. Although watching LaMera try to bloom pisses me the fuck off. Watching LaMera try to wear a cool outfit. If I see you, that's why you've never experienced it. If I see you talk to a girl, I'm coming down hard on you. As hard as possible. If I saw you, if I walked into Helium and LaMere was wearing a cool outfit and talking to a decent or pretty girl, I'm on that a million percent.

I'm trying my best to ruin that. Why? Because that's funny. You don't think that's funny? You would be in there. What do you mean why? It's hilarious. You would be all over it. I'm with you in there. What do you mean why? Oh, it's hilarious. You would be all over it.

I'm with you. I support. No, let me paint the scene. Build people up. LeMaire's wearing a sweater vest. Yeah. With an untucked dress shirt underneath it. He's talking to a pretty hot chick who seems to be interested.

You're not coming in there. I don't personally. I wouldn't break that up, no. But. Now, if I started to break it up. It would be very funny. Would you jump in you tell me you wouldn't jump i'm the same i have a tough time if there's blood in the water

i have a tough time not jumping in that's the funnest part that is true that's the best part disrupting someone's ass during covid it's tough that's great that's so funny it's so funny dude it's a serengeti out there yeah but I'm also I'm a dead animal I'm coming from the school of like crying if you don't get any pussy

when you're 19 so it's like I understand the life and death stakes but yeah that's fucking hilarious to go in yeah

go in and squash a person trying to have sex although if I if I genuinely was like waiting to have sex for a long time and it got stopped i'd be very upset that's funny very upset yeah but then you wouldn't like yeah i understand

it my whole self-identity used to be around if i got pussy or if i didn't get pussy i know but we've grown out of it oh 100 by now yeah yeah for sure and i expect those around me to have also grown out of that. I filled the void, for sure, with meaningful things. Before there was the void, it was life or death. I have nothing else, but I'm still out of it. The void is yet to be filled. But, Chris, every guest we come bring in just slings mud on me

I thought that was out there with a completely fabricated story I was gentle no I was not I was so fucking funny what

his story of all that I remember that vividly right where we were too we were out front on the side of that side exit

at Helium in Indianapolis he was wearing a hat. I would love to get the POV of you, like the little cigarette cloud, buffing, seeing O'Connor, and just getting closer and closer to him. And I was in. I was not doing any of that. I wasn't doing any of that business. So you were straight edge.

Yeah, but I knew that I'd been target locked. You've been in the Hoosier State before. I know what you do over there. I know how you are in Indiana. You want to tell everybody about the three-way we had? No. I think we've told people before. Have we?

Yeah, if you go back through the archives. You guys had a little double smooch sesh? One of us did. One of us was fast asleep. Oh, yeah. One of us was passed out. That was your three-way? You were just sleeping?

That was my first three-way. You were sleeping through someone's face? I slept through Chris and his lovemaking. Fuck. Oh, man. Chris, that stuff's crap, man. That's disgusting. Yeah.

That's awesome. That's very funny. It's fun stuff. Where were we at time-wise? Hour 12. Oh. Close. Close.

Close. Close. Close. Guys, do you have anything you'd like to... I want to yell about Queen's Gambit for a little bit. Okay. I was going to say promote, but... Oh, promote.

Or plug. No, go ahead. Talk about Queen's Gambit. No, I don't. I don't watch it. I don't like it. I haven't seen it. Oh, yeah.

No, I haven't seen it, and I heard it's about an incredible woman at chess. Yeah, yeah. First off, now you got me fired up. We're going to talk about lady rolls yeah knock it off with the chess matches knock it off i think she's bobby fisher yeah he played chess right what is she tried isn't it a fake story yeah that's completely fake there's never been a female chess champion no no they're not even in the top like 100 yeah really girls yeah you have to be severely autistic.

And that's men's game, dude. 100%, dude. Yeah. Getting laid has to be not an option. True. I actually diagnosed myself with autistaphernia this week. I was going to say autistamania. I'm autistaphernic.

With, yeah, maybe some light BP, too. Autistamania. True. There's also some phrenia in there, too. What's going on with the phrenia? Dude, I have with the, maybe some light BP. True. There's also some friendly in there too. What's going on with the friend? Just wild dreams, wild visions, dude.

I never even finished telling you about the end of my meditation. Oh yeah, dude. So I sat there and, uh, so I think about pondering the dream and I'm thinking about Zuck's power and money. And you know,

it's a classic example of like, what would I do with all that power and money? And by, you know, just let your brain go. First thing I thought of was just getting like, you know it's a classic example of like what would i do with all that power and money and by you know just let your brain go the first thing i thought of was just getting like you know someone who obviously recently died getting their penis transplanted onto my stomach just decorative soft dongs just you know something sizable so getting a dick attached to my stomach something sizable so you just walk around you take your shirt off and i think you'd be able to show that technically if you had like a just a perhaps like a decorative appendage some guy grew a dick they So you just walk around and you take your shirt off. And I think you'd be able to show that technically. If you had just a decorative appendage.

Some guy grew a dick on a guy's arm. You can just pull it out. You don't have to sleeve your arm dick. Yeah, he had a dick on his arm. That's what I saw. On his forearm. It's true, yeah. Right? In England.

Yeah, yeah. So I'm saying. Do you remember that? I kind of vaguely remember hearing that. And I think they transplanted it and it worked. Guy's got a unit now. How big did they grow it? It's like growing weed.

He's like, nah, give it two more weeks to hatch, dude. Oh, I'd let that thing fucking grow that thing out, dude. I've been dickless for years, dude. Let me live. Dude, I was like, I would just get a dong. Just like a fucking dong, dude. Yeah, a dong on your stomach. Just on my stomach and go into business meetings.

There's just a huge dong on my stomach. Then I was like, it might be like tattoos. This is your morning meditation. This is my morning meditation. This is a good regimen. I might get two more. Because they were like tattoos. You would get addicted.

Just get dicks. So I'd have one on each shoulder. So I'd have two on the shoulder. And then I would cut my own dick off and have it like a vagina, basically. But I would tap all of those dongs into it. I'd have the balls, too. It wouldn't just those dongs into i'd have the balls too it wouldn't just be dogs i have like sack and dicks on my arm shoulder stomach figure out use all my resources to tap those into my own endocrine system so i have a ton of tea but i'd also have

a vagina but i have dicks on my body and then you know i'd do whatever from there Then you stand up and you're like, all right, time to make breakfast. Wow, another successful meditation. Zuck, you're just bumping into the door or something. You got balls on your shoulder. Oh, you need security

at all times. Zack on shoulders. So I'm like, excuse me, sir. You could just wear shoulder pads. You could just

Legion of Doom out. Just get spiky shoulder pads 100 but yeah that much i'm like dude zuck might have a stomach dong dude oh i'm excuse me mr senator he just shuffles his stomach he's a fucking nine incher on his stomach yeah you think zuck's got real alpha energy in the room big time dude yeah he's like nerd alpha there's the scariest scariest alpha nerd alpha which is unfortunately taking out dude have you seen kamal nanjiani no you haven't seen he got jacked he thought he started taking steroids he attached the endocrine system steroids for like a marvel role yeah yeah him and his wife got fit together now all he does

if you take enough steroids all you do is take pictures of your cheat days. That's all you do. All you do is take pictures of, like, cookies. You're like, I had to fucking crush cookies today. I'm the rock now. Oh, dude, yeah. Imagine looking at The Rock's lifestyle, like Instagram, and being like, I'll adopt that. Yeah.

I'm the star of Silicon Valley, the show. It's time for me to adopt the rocks persona. True. Be like, I was in the Iron Paradise today pushing weight. Now I'm crushing cheesecake. Is that what his Instagram is now? Yeah, I believe that. And like get out and vote.

Yeah. Yeah. I read an article about Indian Americans and how it's time for them to accept their privilege, to realize they're in a privileged state, and also not also forget the fact that, like, they're in this together with all other minorities. The people of color. Yeah.

Oh, there's a good one. The Nashville guy who blew himself up. Yeah, what was up with that? Notice how I didn't say suicide bomber? Because he's white. Yeah. Yeah, so what was it? Why did he warn everybody to move? Because he was white. Oh, he was a legit suicide bomber because he's white. Yeah. So why did he warn everybody to move?

Because he was white? Oh, he was a legit suicide bomber. Yes. He just wanted to blow himself up. He wanted to blow himself up, I think, in front of a 5G. I think he was trying to stop the 5G. I knew that would hit me. Thanks. Thank you, Patriot.

Thanks, brother. Thank you, Patriot. Yeah, he had like a countdown clock. Yeah, he was like, get out of the way. Yeah, he liked that announcement. That was kind of spooky. Yeah, he had like a countdown clock. Yeah, he was like, get out of the way. Yeah, he liked that announcement. That was kind of spooky. Yeah, dude.

You like it, though. What? I can tell by the way you said, yeah, you like it. Yeah, yeah, that's a nice thing to do. I've said it before, man. People blowing stuff up sucks until they blow something up that you don't like, and you're like, well, hold on. Sometimes you've got to blow stuff up. Yeah, I told you.

If someone blew up the parking authority, I'd be like. Every once in a while somebody blows up. I'll Venmo that. So he blew up near a 5G tower. But my favorite thing, my favorite tweet I saw. Fuck. Because there was a bunch of tweets complaining about it. About the guy blowing himself up?

I believe the New York Times didn't call him a suicide bomber. So of course everyone was like, oh, it's only a suicide bomber oh so of course everyone was like oh it's only a suicide bomber if it's a but the best was if it's a black or brown person it's a suicide bomber i'm like a lot of black suicide bombers yeah why are you throwing black people in yeah really you don't have to you don't have to always use that as your shield you fucking weirdos right right like oh if it's not a black wait what black suicide bomb i would say that's black people's strong suit is not suicide bombing. They're the best at that. Can we give them credit?

Yeah, no mass attacks. Yeah, dude, that's weird. It's a funny thing, yeah. Yeah, it is funny. It's like, oh, someone black people's suicide bomb? It's like, oh. Dude, I can't. Also, was he doing any, was he like into weird shit?

Do we know anything about it yet? Yeah, I mean, he put a bomb in an RV in front of an AT&T store. Was he like, was he online like organizing shit? I think they took away his unlimited data. He's like, what? That was a promotional plan, sir. He was like, honey, give me the RV. He saw enough of the same commercial as me and it led him nuts.

You should really switch to the family. I see the same commercial. I see the same commercial every fucking day. And it's this AT&T commercial where this dude accidentally calls. He's like, Mom, AT&T has a family plan now. And they're like, oh, what'd you say? He's like, that wasn't my mom. That was another guy.

He's excited about it. And then it cuts to that girl with the great tits. And she goes, she looks straight at the camera, and I can't make sense of it, and it's been bothering me. She looks at the camera, and she goes, word of mouth advertising the camera and I can't make sense of it and it's been bothering me. She looks at the camera and she goes, word of mouth advertising. It's what they did before commercials. That's the end of the commercial. It's what they did before commercials,

word of mouth advertising. But the facial expression she makes puzzles me so much that it genuinely bothers me. There's never been a commercial that actually annoyed me, like it bothered me. This one is every time I see it, I get angry. Is it supposed to be like winking and nodding to old people?

Like these young people, they don't even know what word. No, but the face, she's like, word of mouth advertising. Like she's like exasperated. It's what they did before commercials.

Yeah. It's a face. It's a face that makes zero sense. Right. Yeah. Anyway, i know you'll see i'm sitting i'm watching you know notre dame get blown out by clemson and that comes on it's also a commercial like lady you're you're speaking you this is a commercial you're telling me about word of mouth within a commercial i don't get it so it's not word

of mouth then i'm just someone who's been changed by a commercial. Also, the thing doesn't make sense. He's like, mom? And he's like, that wasn't my mom. That was a guy named Randy. He's excited about it. Word of mouth advertising. It's what they did before commercials. The dude has a manner of speaking that's exactly like the black guy on Veep.

You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, that guy's great. Yeah, yeah. Detroiters? Yeah, but it almost feels like they couldn't hire that guy so they sounded they hired like another black guy that sounds exactly the same it's really weird anyway yeah i'm like still perplexed as to how people who are very much like you know anti-conspiracy theory all that stuff anti-5g who typically who are also anti-patriarchy somehow all believe

everything the news says it's like if if you know our whole society has been dominated by evil rich white racist billionaires yeah they own the news so why do you take the news it's never been reconciled it's like it makes no fucking sense bothering me when they were talking about how like minorities are afraid to take the was bothering me when they were talking about how minorities are afraid to take the vaccine as well. And they were like, well, there's a history here that we need to... It's like,

why can't they just be ignorant pieces of shit like the white people? Jeez, Chris. Chris. He's been spending too much time on it. There's always a history. I hear you. There's always a history.

For sure. It's like white people are getting shit on by the government too. That's why they don't trust the vaccine. Are we complaining about white people stuff right now? Because I'll tell you what. I read an article about college football. Yeah.

All right? Are we just getting our white stuff out? Because I was reading this article. We should have cut this episode when I said, now I got white stuff. Look. No, we defended black people for a while, I thought. Never mind. This isn't going to go well gonna go well what this article you know i talked to you about there's an article there's a college football

article about how graduation rates in african americans are slipping for the first time in 20 years and that white white guy graduation rate on college teams is increased and we need to close that gap yeah and then it goes into why black graduation rate, like what, what can white people do to fix that graduation rate? Yeah. It's like fucking study. That's it.

That's step one. Study. Yeah. They've only talked about how like the step two, go to class. They've talked about how diversity and inclusion kind of messes people up. Cause there might be like a black dude who would do like fantastic at drexel but penn is like yeah come here we'll take you and then they they get the numbers for the diversity stuff and then the

dude's like this has no it'd be like if i was at like fucking mit i don't know what the fuck i'm doing but there's i don't know so you get in for the numbers but then the curriculum is just not for you and then you end up failing out whereas if you went to another school you would be fine and graduated blah blah well and it's like yeah it's like starting on like a division two team and getting all the experience versus like riding the bench on division one team it's like you could probably go pro i don't get it like it's like either way it was a fun article if you're the shit If you're the shit in a different school, it's better than struggling. Yeah, I hear. It's also racist to be like, what do white people need to do for this?

Exactly. That's what the whole thing was like. What can we do to, first off, they said close the gap, which is like bring down that white graduation rate. Is that what you mean? True. Send me back to school, dude. Maybe we need to flunk them out a little.

Flunk hard as fuck. Even this thing out. Yeah, it's just a nonsense. It's just a weird thing for ESPN to have on their headlines. Well, it has nothing to do with solving a problem. It has everything to do with just announcing that you have recognized it. It's fucking bullshit. Bunch of malarkey, bro.

Bullshit. Malarkey that ticks me off. I love the suburbs dude Suburbs You've never even Been to the suburbs That's my favorite debate You've never even

Been to the suburbs I love the suburbs I was born in Redding He's like no you weren't No he wasn't But yeah That uh It's just

That's a bunch of bull dude Yeah I want people To answer me that dude That's the craziest That whole school I went to was They would send you New York Times, New York Times, all these articles, and it's like,

isn't this owned by a rich fucking white billionaire guy? Same guy who you're complaining about, and then that's the one dispensing reality to you? It might seem like they might take advantage. Yeah. It's fucking crazy. Yeah, yeah. It's weird.

I mean, the whole Trump thing, the $2,000, that has It's weird. I mean, the whole, like, yeah. The whole Trump thing, this, the, like, $2,000, that has been so weird. Yeah, what, he's for the $2,000? He, like, did the right thing. He was like, you know, whatever his fucking motivations were, he was just like, no, there's fucking not enough money in here for regular people. Oh, now he lost the election. Old fucking Democrat Chris is like. He did the right thing.

For once. He did. He did. And everyone was like. Space Wars rules, dude. Admit that rules. I like Space Wars. Say Trump did good.

Trump done good. No, say Trump done good. Trump done good. Thank you. So, yeah, what was the deal with that? It was $2,000 and then people wanted. So, like. Space Wars better be diverse.

Oh, it will. We better be launching Indian ladies to the fucking moon, dude. 100%, dude. Don't piss me off. We I will. We better be launching Indian ladies to the fucking moon, dude. 100%, dude. Don't piss me off. We definitely will. The Democrats were trying to get a bunch of money to give to... They were doing another direct deposit thing. They were trying to get a bunch of money for that.

And the Republicans fucked them hard because they're way better at politics. And then they took the bill to Trump. And the Democrats are also like pussies and corporate and fucking didn't really give a shit about it anyway. But then Trump was like, no, there's not enough money in this. And he said, I'm not going to, like, fucking sign it. Yeah, some bullshit thing. And then, like, they started, like, negotiating to get this potential $2,000 out to everyone. And then, like, the New York Times and stuff had and stuff had to come up with ways to make it bad.

It's like Trump saved the day of giving them more. Weren't they also passing this military budget thing at the same time? Well, they did a weird thing where they rolled it all into like a... But they do that... I forget. It wasn't the NDAA or whatever that thing is. It's whatever. Yeah, I know it's letters. National Defense Authorization Act or something. It's letters. That's, I forget. It wasn't the NDAA or whatever that thing is. It's whatever, yeah.

I know it's letters. National Defense Authorization Act or something. It's letters. That's what I remember. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But they're doing that? Because I know they're discussing military. They do that simultaneously. The military budget thing?

Yeah, and I believe his problem was with that. Yeah. Or like, yeah, it was something like that. It was like money to other countries. Yeah, like giving money to countries who were buying weapons from other countries. Yes. And his problem was with that. Yeah.

Not the bailout or whatever this is. It had nothing to do with that, I guess. Yeah. I think that might have been two different things. Yeah. I have no idea about anything. Me either. I just saw like five minutes of Fox News and was like.

All I know is I'm not going to fill out the paperwork to get that two Gs. Really? Probably not. What's the paperwork? I don't know. No, it just goes right into your bank account. It should go right into your bank account. I don't know no i didn't do the first one goes right into your bank account should go right into your bank i don't know if the first one handles all my money stuff dude i'm like a samurai everything i told him i can't believe

we got that i'm like we did i wonder if i did probably it was what 1200 bucks yeah she might not she squirrels it dude you might not have noticed i don't know if i got it i didn't sign up for it because I don't take money from the government. That's for fucking chicks and women. Or women and kids. And chicks. And chicks, dude. Taking money from the government for chicks.

Unless I need it. If that would have come out three years ago, I would have been all over that. I would have been all over that. I'd be going nuts for that 2Gs, bro. Well, isn't it just like... I still... How does that work? Is it just taxpayer money that you have to pay back later?

Or is it like... No, it's just free money. It's just more made up crap. Yeah. We're just trying to sink the US dollar. Yeah, they just borrow the money and give it to you. I don't like it. It sounds like socialism.

I'm getting into growing food, dude. I swear to God. All this stuff, people complain to us. If you just grow your own food sounds like socially. I'm getting into growing food, dude. I swear to God. All this stuff, people complain to us. If you just grow your own food, the only thing that fucks you are taxes. Taxes make it so you can just never get out of the monetary system. If you just grow your own stuff. Yeah. How could you get off the grid?

If you wanted to get off the grid, how would you do it? Dude, I watched a show on Amazon, literally, how to get off the grid. It's hard work. Buy Amazon? Yeah, you got to buy. Brought to you by Amazon. You need the gear. They showed people who tried to half-ass it and who ended up getting back on the grid after being off. They couldn't hack off the grid.

It's fucking sad. So it's a lot of work. And if you have enough money, you can buy the equipment. That makes it a little easier. But it's kind of an all-day affair. Yeah, it's not worth getting off the grid if you have to money, you can buy the equipment. That makes it a little easier. Yeah. But it's, you know, it's kind of an all-day. It's an all-day affair. Yeah. It's like you don't want to, yeah. It's not worth getting off the grid if you have to spend all your time, like, trapping squirrels.

Yeah. But you can solar, you can solar, you can do, like, a hybrid setup where you're, like, solar paneled. You're still tapped in if you need it or you're tapped into your own solar or, like, a collective kind of solar thing. But the, dude, I, this is one thing I do want to talk about really quick, dude. I watched the No-Go Zone on Amazon. Oh, yeah. So fucking good, dude, this is one thing I wanted to talk about really quick, dude. I watched The No-Go Zone on Amazon. Oh, yeah. So fucking good, dude. They go down to, where was the first?

One place was the Philippines. That was fucking rugged, dude. Yeah. The Filipinos are getting wild. See, the Muslims down there are getting rowdy, too. The one guy told a story about how he murdered a Muslim. Yeah. Muslim dishonored him and stabbed him.

And then he's like, if I ever see that motherfucker, and he ended up punching him in the face and killing him with a knife. He's just on TV like, yeah, I'm going to murder that guy. But there was a – fuck, where was the other – the other one was in Cape Town, South Africa. These are the ugly Americans, dude. They're a gang. They're all meth – all the gangs around the world are meth – they're all meth heads.

So they show the gang leader who's like a 40-year-old meth head, and it's just all junkies. It's him and just other meth heads and he's bossing them around and they're just all, they get high on meth and just patrol the territory. But dude,

all, the only gear the ugly Americans wear is like Goodwill, like fucking USA shit. It's so fucking, I'm gonna, I told Brittany,

she was pissed. I was like, I'm gonna send it USA 2.0 shirts. Fuck. All they wear is like fucking God, like in God we trust and like, fuck,

it's like cheesy, like, it looks like the old we trust and like fuck there's like cheesy like like it looks like the old super bowl shit yeah like if you were to go to uh well they dress like people in williams grove it's just like cheesy american flag shit and then just rolling around with guns it's it's so i might get a season pass to the grove this you gotta dude they're cheap right now when does the season start uh, it'll start in the spring. Dude, the gear they have, they just get all whacked out on meth, and they just walk around. They're like, they have, like, the one guy will be, like, a knife expert,

and they'll, like, they'll practice. They just get high on meth, and they're like, I'm right there. I'd fucking kill you. They're like, dude, get the fuck away from me. It is so fucking funny. And they have one boss who's just 40 years old who just drives around and overlooks his empire, dude, And it's the funniest fucking shit. That's awesome.

What's the theme of the show? They just go to no-go zones. No-go zones, which is like what? No police will go there? They say no police. They'll have a gang task force who will kind of go in there. But then in the Philippines, they had a bounty. The police will just send in bounty hunters.

A bunch of dogs. Yeah. If you can get in, they just look like a dude who just drives around and delivers food on a bike. It's fucking crazy. It's like a normal, unassuming dude, and he'll come in there with a potbelly and be like, I wish we killed that guy. Because you just go in there, you fucking cap them, and the government's like, all right, here's 2,000 pounds of euros. Man, that sounds like kind of a fun job. Yeah, dude.

Scary? It's fucking nuts, dude. Scary? A little scary, probably? Dude, you're just kicking in somebody. Oh, it's startling. He's trying to have a wedge in there. He just goes up, like, gives people food, and he's like, do you know any gun dealers?

And they're like, yeah, fucking. And he goes and shoots them? Fucking shoot them. Or he'll try to, like, turn them and see if he can get another guy. Never make small talk with the Grubhub guy. No, dude. He's like, do you order this? I'm like, no.

Don't say that. He might shoot you. No-go zone rules i'm gonna watch jamaica tonight when i go home it's so fucking jamaica will be wild dude the jamaica drugs inc is the best and that whatever that genre is of like crime documentary of like clearly fake i don't know that's what i was kind of wondering that's fake they follow drug dealers around with cameras yeah but i mean that's the other thing too if you gave him enough money you might be able to do like vice kind of wondering. That's fake. They follow drug dealers around with cameras. Yeah, but I mean, that's the other thing, too. If you gave them enough money, you might be able to do it. Like, Vice kind of pulls it off. If your boss saw you walking around with a camera crew, you'd be dead. But the boss is the one who is like, dude, there's fucking rules.

Young American. They all see each other and they go. A real shitty gang might be like, yeah, bring a camera crew. But those documentaries, because Tommy watches them nonstop, where it's like guys going about their day with a fucking camera crew. I was wondering about where we this is where we actually hide the drugs i was wondering yeah dude this isn't real this is fake i was wondering i'm like why would these guys do this unless they're getting paid a ton of money or but i mean if they're selling enough drugs they don't have to worry about it but the ugly americans you could be like i'll give you guys

like dude they're they're making like i believe that i watched that vice thing on you get the third world gangs like you guys five thousand american dollars and they're making, like... I believe that. I watched that Vice thing on Liberia. You get the third world gangs, like, y'all give you guys 5,000 American dollars, and they're just like... But you're also now fueling, like, weapons to a gang, which is fucking crazy. True. You know, so it's like a weird genre.

Yeah. But I'm right with you. When they have a guy who's like, I've been selling ecstasy in New York for 17 years, it's like, why the fuck would you do it again? And then you show him, and he's like, this is my safe house. It's like, all right, no, it's not. It just like this is my safe house it's like all right no it's not it just happened once i was watching it because i watched them for

years i've always watched those and then one day i was like oh this is fake yeah fuck dude but then i get these guys they get it's like how the fuck would they get these dudes as actors these guys are meth heads maybe maybe in that but most of the time their faces are blurred out and their voices are distorted so literally anybody could do it. Yeah, for sure. Because you can even sound shitty and it's going to come out fine. These are these guys' faces being like, yeah, I murder all day. I killed a guy.

And it's just like, I don't know how the fuck they do this. But yeah, that's a good point. I'm going to keep it a sharp eye. I got tricked by lizard lick towing for like a whole season. I'm like, holy shit, they're taking this fucking up. I saw the fucking dramatizationization or whatever dramatization it was like punch the wall i was so fucking mad i'm like dude that was the most exciting shit i've ever seen it was like that's not real damn it's like a fucking idiot yeah yeah baby sorry about chris

that's rapid you got anything you want to plug uh No, I'm, you know, keep working on. What's coming out? I need to record this next episode. I've written it, sent it to some people. Baby. I haven't heard anything back. Really? No feedback?

No, but it needs work, which is fine. Yeah. Hopefully like next month. I did not read it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I forgot you sent it to me yeah send it to me i'll look sorry about that no no no it's cool when did you send that i was busy i was doing something yeah yeah it was like when uh you guys were going through all the gillian keeve stuff nice oh yeah subscribe to that yeah man go subscribe yeah it's been awesome

um tampa chris you might be coming to that. We'll see what little manager says. You better not wear a hat. You better not try to kiss a girl. Those are the rules. Those are the rules. If I see you trying to kiss a girl in Tampa, I'm going to joke with you. You keep it very chaste.

My squad has to remain chaste. It's like an unofficial rule. 7th through 10th of January. We had side splitters in Tampa. And then I believe just added, I got to check on it. I think San Antonio at the end of January. I believe. We got to check that one out.

That's all for me. Nice. Dude, Stoner Dads, it should be out by next week. Oh, sick. It's being edited right now, yeah. So that should be out. And also, I think I'm doing a new Psych Nol module. Fuck it.

Logotherapy should be out pretty soon. Sweet. Well, thank you. Yeah.