Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 331- Stolen Valor

Episode Date: January 14, 2021

Shane caught the bug and the vitamin D blasted it right out of him. We zoom out of respect for the fallen capitol, pausing our in-person enterprise to remember those of our brave senators and other adult class presidents who became unnerved as the uncles stormed their CSPANN building. Support the D.A.W.G.Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod

oh man we're on dude yes we're on we have to zoom the chinese have won dude they finally the virus they sent to america to get me all those years back they finally got me finally got you dude yeah yeah sorry everybody that we didn't do an episode last week i happen to have covid 19 ever heard of it ever fucking heard of it that I happen to have the novel coronavirus 19 and you so you basically and I don't want to you know I Shane won't brag about it but I I like he was on a ventilator all last week and I was like Shane the people are asking he just fucking pulled the tube it was the craziest thing I've ever seen pulled the tube out of his throat and was like let's fucking roll but we need to do a podcast the doctor

i mean last week i didn't want to brag about this but it was me getting him out of the hospital he was like he was pulling the wires just like the movies he was like i gotta get out of here yeah no uh hey guys don't joke around about the covid19 virus because it's bad. But I'll tell you what, I didn't have a symptom. Maybe, well, I did lose my sense of smell. So look, and a lot of you are out there like, what can I do health wise? And here's what you got to do. A lot of people, they'll tell you, do this, do that. What you do is you don't stay in shape at all for 30 years eat whatever you want

whenever you want hang out and then your butt your immune system is just too powerful heard that you know i mean so like if people like worry about obesity and you know all these different things that make the virus more deadly i don't i don't know where they're getting that. You know what I mean? You're saying you ran a good simulation. Although, dude, there's... Everything I did, I took care of myself. I took care of my body.

That's a temple. And I ran through this thing, no problem. Also, too, I looked it up and I think the one fact I got was that something like only 20% of people who have it spread it. Yeah, that was another thing so all right here's here's what happened i didn't get it as a show i got it from and this is what

pissed me off because every time i go home i get tested before i go home and like i was like working hard to find a place to get tested before i could come home for christmas because everything was like booked and packed and it was like a fucking hassle and i got it done got home as soon as i like the day after christmas my niece came to visit and she just brought covid and everyone started everyone in my family started like coughing and i was like yo you guys have covid you guys have coronavirus like you need this fucking distance from fucking my niece and uh so yeah i got it i've done so many fucking shows this whole time i've been around so many people and i got it at home yeah sometimes my family sometimes the people we love the most that ultimately betray us dude yes i couldn't believe it like the odds of that i've like there were so many times i've

done a show where i was like oh fuck like i have to have gotten it yeah never and then i come home my niece gets a cold and i was like that's covered oh fuck But everybody's good. My whole family is, they're fine. So, you know, you can have cancer. You can drink every day until you're 65. You can do all these things. COVID, it's kind of a breeze, dude. And I don't want to, you know, I don't, listen, I don't want to downplay the severity of this disease, Matthew.

I'm not, I'm laughing about how mad I am right now, dude. I lost, i lost my sense of smell for about three days so don't you dare fucking make light of this disease i'm furious your family didn't all perish immediately so i could justify my media narrative and my core beliefs based on the new york yeah yeah it's gonna be a bummer when they find out uh the gillis family just walked through COVID. I had to keep telling Phil, like, Phil, you got to fucking, you got to relax. He's like, I'm going to have two scotches.

I'm going to have a scotch. I'm like, Phil, dude, don't drink tonight. I also heard one of the side effects of COVID, if you are watching Fox News, it comes out like in 3D. Imagine having COVID while watching Fox and not experiencing symptoms. It it's a singularity yeah it is not experiencing symptoms is the best feeling in the world hell yeah like getting tested positive and then every day waiting to get symptoms and then it never comes it's just like fuck you dude i knew i was unstoppable but it sucks it sucked because i went and on new year's so i came back to new york on new year's eve and hung out with a bunch of my friends you know we we had a small gathering a responsible gathering i had been tested the week before so i was like i can hang out i'm fine

i totally forgot my whole family was coughing uh and then my mom told me she had tested positive and i was like oh fuck i have to call like 10 different people and be like hey you know it's like a fucking herpes phone call you gotta be like but i didn't want them to know i brought it you know i mean so you gotta call people and be like hey man i think i have it so just go get tested i don't know you know and then they're like who the fuck brought it to the party i'm like i'm whoever we could never know you know who knows that's not what's important right now for us yeah exactly i felt like uh i felt like a like you ever see like a like a murder doc where like a boyfriend killed his girlfriend then he's in the search party yeah

she's in a better place we gotta just move on whoever did it's long gone so you had to make that like the swinger that's yeah everything now every like regular social function operates under swingers rules right now where it's like you cool dude you cool everyone has to like try to like mitigate their social partners but yeah it's uh i mean dude you saw the thing about governor tom wolf recommending that people use like adult friend finders for what to crumb basically he was like go oh he was saying like go online to fuck me it was like no no no sorry not adult friend finders only fans he's like if you are finding sexual partners online please consider strongly consider using subscription subscription

based services for your dating needs for the interim so basically he was like hit up those hoes bro damn what my tightwad just called really just had to hit the client on a tightwad dude that's a power move am i yeah it's huge dude he's probably busy he's probably on your ip right now dude shut it down dude shut it down don't tell everybody you got he doesn't want you to see you get bruce willis dude bruce willis just got fucking hit hard, dude. Now look, Matt, I'm not denying the COVID because I got it. You got it. All right?

I got it. I have part of me. I have it right now. Yeah, true. People should respect that for sure. People need to give me my space and time, you know? I just, dude, I just felt so sorry. I feel like you did everything right, dude. I did everything right. people need to give me my space and time you know i just dude i just felt so sorry i feel

like you did everything right dude i did everything right i mean i did everything right this whole time you're gonna be shunned socially now start to finish i barely crossed state lines yeah you know you know i might be up there with most traveled you're you're pretty high i would say you're pretty happy i think it's between you and like dr falchi the two of you guys we're both very busy you guys are both very busy during this time i was big for us they check the flight logs like bill gates dr falci shane gillis like this guy's fucking moving this guy why is he good well he was in arizona twice three times this year

i will say you don't joke about stuff like that matt don't make light of it true no i'm not laughing i have it true true excuse me i will say you know and i I'm sure I'd catch a ton of flack for this, but I would say comedy is somewhat of an essential, you know, essential thing. People need to get their giggles, dude. You got to get your laughs. Otherwise you're going to go crazy. But yeah, it was, it is scary, dude. When you get it, it's like, Oh fuck. Like I wonder how bad this is going to be. And then you just replay all the like, fuck like i wonder how bad this is gonna be and then you

just replay all the like because it was right after new year's eve so i had i had fun yeah you know cool levels or i was mr cool as fuck damn so then it's like you're party rock you were party rocking on new year's eve yes yes i party rocked in the house which some of the symptoms i attributed to that. I was like, man, this is definitely a symptom of that. And it's like, no, you're just violently hung over. Yeah, but I haven't drank since New Year's. So that's good. What day is it?

13 days. I'm about two weeks over, man. What do you know about being two weeks over? You wouldn't last a second. Yeah, right. Dope. Dope counts. That's dope counts that's true that's true i actually i've i've did without even trying i didn't think about it i did uh two i did about two weeks off the weed just because i was so busy and like again i've talked

about this before but like when i don't have weed in my system i find myself getting like very serious very stern and very serious and i'm like what the fuck is going on here that makes sense not in a fun way either i just get very like like i become like a curmudgeon yeah that makes sense but yeah sure i'll have to i'll have to check my uh what is my birthday month so you know is it yeah dude january when's your birthday 27th dude i'm aquarius my dad's is the 16th you're in a aquarini i'm aquarini bro but yeah yeah i'm getting back i like really laid off the weed i was just too busy now i got my hands on some a very nice tincture dude that i've been experimenting with and it's pretty nice dude yeah what happens to you just chill dude i uh just chill out i'm i get i'm

like real into like spiritual youtube right now so i just kind of like i just get stoned and lay down just think about what's that levels of consciousness just like guys who trying to think how to explain this the guy specifically i like to watch is paul check who like gets into like remote viewing and how i mean dude me and paul you know a lot of people talk about guys how to explain this. The guy specifically I like to watch is Paul check who like gets into like remote viewing and how, I mean, dude, me and Paul, you know, a lot of people talk about guys who like go and like yogis who like disappear to like meditate by themselves. And me and Paul used to think like, they're just kind of like selfish and like, why would you leave the world? But they're really helping us, dude. Yeah. They're, they're, they're mitigating forces that we can't

even comprehend. And they are, I think they they're selfish cunts even though you think that they are helping you just mean it's just a level you you know i don't like those guys yeah i mean that's what i don't like hermits are jerks that's what i thought that's what me and paul thought but you know we're like damn we like we once we got to that level through shamanism dude the guy is so fucking funny man he just talks about like the wildest fucking shit for like i think it's three hours on this one dude's podcast and it's it's the he doesn't stop talking for three hours every time the guy talks he goes well no no not at all anyway for like dude it's oh my god pretty tight he rules oh there's one more thing i wanted to add about sure sure caronis um again i'm not downplaying this matt you can't downplay it i'm not you know

it was crazy it's very hard to find any piece of media that's like yeah i had it it wasn't bad yeah nobody's like allowed to even say that public i don't know it's weird yeah i couldn't find it i couldn't i couldn't find a like a log of somebody's symptoms of like what type of thing happened after a while trump trump came out and said three days later trump dog was out rose from the tomb don't be afraid trump said don't be afraid don't even laugh about trump but dude shane i'm about to fucking flip dude what are you don't laugh about don't laugh about that he almost destroyed our democracy, dude. Oh, yeah. We'll get into that. I'm appalled, dude. So everybody at that party that I called, everybody I was with, nobody got it.

Yeah. Okay. And they all got tested. No, it's been two weeks. I know. Nobody got it. Then O'Connor and Tommy stayed in the apartment with me for two weeks they both just tested negative again yesterday damn so not only did i have it and it was nothing it's not contagious it's also not contagious i looked it up now this is my strain not all of them i'm sure some of them are very deadly

very bad fucking sour diesel covid dude to get them yeah i got i got middies dude i got i got big reggie but you know i could also be jinxing my family who's still they still are suffering some symptoms but you know my family's old sick and drunk yeah and they're all like yeah we retired yep so it makes you wonder do you think we needed to shut everything down and i don't know i'm not gonna you know yeah i mean dude it's uh say anything no i hear you i hear what you're saying it's like well dude here's here's the weird thing too and i i was reading about it today and they started saying how the flu is at like record record lows like super record every like metanoma virus the flu cold blah blah blah um are at super record lows and they're like hell yeah dude like the

the masks worked and you know what and whatever you think about that you know it's whatever but now they're like but we got to be careful because the flu is going to come back and it's like why are we all fucking scared of being mildly ill all right you want to be scared about coronavirus go ahead but like now i'm supposed to be scared of the fucking flu yeah i've never i've always known the flu existed and like the three times i got it in my life it did suck yeah but i've never once been like i've been in the room with people that had the flu and i've never been like oh i hope i don't get it yes like people in my family you know like if my parents were sick or something i was never like i don't even maybe i don't understand how contagious things work but like my mom could like have the flu and i'd be like oh it sucks for her

yeah i've been in the room with the flu and I've not been afraid of it. Now I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life being like, hope I don't get the flu. Dude. I mean, we went from like ISIS to upper respiratory sinus infections and it's like, we're like terrible. It's crazy right now. And it's like, you know, and I started to get paranoid obviously. And it's like, you know, I, I maybe we've exhausted, you know, going into other country. I mean,

it doesn't really jive with the, it's harder to sell now to like go in and exploit foreign countries. Now that like everybody's not racist anymore over the last 60 days, it's kind of hard to justify killing hundreds of thousands of people. So now we have to be like, well, you know, that would be a very tough sell after like you came out we're like yeah i support the all that and then be like yeah but we're good we need to bomb yemen yeah exactly we have to and it's also like i mean i

think people are going to start really looking into like the the mineral rights of like switzerland and be like yo let's go fucking let's go rip those boys up dude yeah those dudes are extreme as hell dude it's about time a bunch of swiss rebels so i have uh it's it's fucking crazy man i was reading it today and it was like we have to be very vigilant about the rise that'll come of these colds once we they within the same breath they were, and I don't, they weren't like linking these one-to-one, but they were talking about, they're like, you know, it's, it's kind of like, it's like we have an immunity to the cold and the flu,

but coronavirus kind of came through much like the diseases that hit the Native Americans back. And it's like, No, those diseases killed like 98% the population well they were saying was it was there's there's findings about the native americans that were like by the time europeans got there they were down to like two to three percent of their total population like that's how hard they got decimated now i i don't know exactly where i found that so don't you know yeah but it was extreme well you know go back to what you're saying about the the viruses and being like when we were afraid of muslims when the

muzzies were gonna get us uh i never was for the record i was always very comfortable on a planet i actually pretty outwardly was very pro like maybe they have some good points i think they do i know i was they got me pretty good with the muslim propaganda they hate what i'm up to they can't stand me playing for the historical record i've also i've always feared upper respiratory infections and never feared muslims for the record please yeah uh it's also like the same thing where it's like oh it's it's big it's it's hitting whatever county you're in yeah where you live it like when I was home they were like it's hitting Cumberland County pretty hard and it's like it reminds me of like after 9-11 when everyone was like there's a Navy depot in Mechanicsburg like the terrorists could be

hitting us like every town you were in was like i heard they're coming that we have a water treatment facility in our county they're gonna be hitting us everyone thought they were on tour scheduled a tour date to their city 9 11 after 9 11 everyone was like they're gonna want to kill us obviously we're very important here in des moines in des moines to like true this used to be the country's capital, so symbolically speaking. Yeah. The capital of Iowa could be pretty big. It could be a big target.

Yeah, dude. It just sucks now. Like, now there's a new version of it in England, and fuck, it's here now. We have it. And it's also destroying the vaccines that are too slow and fast and you're like yeah yeah i mean and changing i mean dude it's it's that that parallel and i understand what they're trying to say was basically like like you know we have immunities built up to things that we've experienced but if you've never experienced a thing it'll just rip

through populations but yeah you know it's okay you can make that point without being like just like they had and uh you know the natives had it's like all right you know i don't think it finally the curse has come back to get the white man now it's our turn i was reading about montezuma and that debt book dude did you did you know what do you know about cortez you know a little something about the boy? Yeah, was that when they kidnapped him? Yeah, well, they kidnapped him, and him and Cortez gambled that entire time. Oh, really? They played games, and they gambled.

Well, Cortez, first of all, was in, like, immense debt before he went there. I think he asked permission, like, yo, I'm going to roll down there and sack. And they were like, don't. And he was like, I dropped the call. And he just fucking went down there and just just absolutely started butt fucking people but he uh montezuma that you know they were like he was like all right come in you guys can hang with us and they were like ah we got you and he was like all right it's fucking weird yeah they started playing this gambling game and cortez according to the record just cheated the entire time but montezuma and this is what they think they don't know thought they're like he was like dude like this is a huge uh this is a this is like a like

a celestial year this is like an important year spiritually like you he thought he was like interacting with like other worldly beings and he like he was just like watching this guy like she thought he was like might be some sort of god like cheat in this game i think cheating like checkers it's like was there this is god they're wagering gold and he was in cortez was like yes yes yes and then the uh so they you know they went through and like eventually like decimated that whole population and then he set up a thing that where everyone who was like working for him like you remember how they had those stores where like you had i forget the name of the store but you had to like if you worked for a company you had to buy all of your essentials for from that

company and that company was what is that what it's called no oh it's a porn truck stop it's truck it is it's a truck system that's what it's called literally it's called a truck system where you have it's so funny but they uh so like the people who sacked uh you know the aztecs or whatever like the majority of them were left in wildly in debt to cortez who had already kind of spent a lot of that money that he stole and then i think he got like in trouble or something i don't know i think they're like hey he got in trouble yeah a bunch of those guys got in trouble but yeah i was gonna do i was gonna do a uh history podcast on that dude on on spanish because i started to do one on the west and it just ended

up being i just kept looking into spanish exploration in north america it's pretty fun that's pretty tight dude the spanish dude's just getting shipwrecked in like texas and florida and then just getting eaten by indians they they were like, and it was like, oh man, the Indians are so nice. It's like, they immediately enslaved everybody that landed on their shores. Like as soon as they landed,

the Indians enslaved them. Oh, it's so fucking fun. Pretty funny. They're like, oh, sweet slaves. Like right when they met other people,

they're like, oh good. We got some slaves. We found slaves. And they would like eat a few of the guys there's munch now i'm doing now i'm just into the pacific really i'm all into the war in the pacific so you're reading you were thinking about doing the spanish i was thinking well i was going to do a thing on like the west because i was in big into the command yeah the

command cheese and then uh so like when i started big into the comanche yeah the comanches and then uh so like when i started looking into the west i only wanted like i looked into just explorers landing in the and now the and they were they were all good stories but it was like i don't know i kind of lost it was it was always just them looking for like cities of gold yeah and like for like seven years traveling through the united states and finding like huts in kansas and being like all right we gotta go home but it was cool like them like seeing the grand canyon and being like holy fuck like they saw the whole united states and were just like nobody's ever seen it you know no no no white man no pale face had seen it true yeah you know yeah no that's uh but now there's this

is good you'd like there's a guy oh man i gotta tell you this yeah this has been keeping me up this has been i get too obsessed with something in history and then i'll stop liking it for like a week but right now it's the pacific yeah because i was gonna do a history podcast on the indianapolis where all those guys got eaten by sharks the ship and then uh i got a book called i think it's called goodbye darkness or hello darkness it's a it's this guy who he fought in the war and it's just a memoir of the war in the pacific but he's like he's a great writer it's manchester is his last name um he here's a quick story for you you're gonna like this yeah he one day he was walking I think it was on Guadalcanal he was walking he was an NCO he had like 12 guys underneath him that were with him him and his boys were walking Japanese artillery

opened but he had tripped and fallen into a crater. So he survived the Japanese shelling. All his boys got blown up. Damn. Like he fell and then shells hit. And he said he woke up in the middle, like he woke up later at night. And like he couldn't really see. So he was like reaching around outside the hole that he fell into.

It was just all his friends guts and bones like they had just been eviscerated so he had like guts and bones on him then he goes back into his uh hole the crater and he's like obviously he's fucked up he's like crying he's got guts and shit all over him brains and then he has a hallucination of this woman inviting him to fuck but it ended up being like death was the hallucination was like this horror of death is what he described her as and uh he was like she was disgusted she had like maggots and shit coming out of her eyes she was like a dead body did he smash long fingernails no but he got so hard what aroused that after the hallucination left, he jerked off in the hole. What?

Yeah, and he came. He said he came in like five seconds. I think everyone came in five seconds back then. Really? But, dude, that means he, so this, by his own account, he was walking, he fell, all of his boys blew up. He had their guts and shit all over him and then he jerked off i mean i can relate crawled back to the line and just went to sleep held that secret till 1980 when he wrote it

yeah good for him for not leaving that part out yeah you got to be honest with everyone be like i ended up coming as soon as all my friends explained oh he went he got back to the states and they were putting that like purple metal on him and all he could do was imagine himself jerking off in a hole and he was like i don't think i decided i don't know i jerked off in the hole i ended up jerking off as soon as those guys died yeah that was that was an intense thing to read yeah dude i mean i i would i would say it was unsuspecting did you jerk off after reading it or no sorry i think i lost you there

must be something with the zoom sorry i have coronavirus My hearing's been in and out. Yes, Matt. Yes, I have. And I feel ashamed about it. That's so funny to read. Like, wow, what a weirdo. And then it's like flip over to your phone. Well, because I've been reading at night to go to sleep.

And then, you know, you crank one out before bed. So I'm reading like about atrocities in the Pacific. And then every once in a while, I'll start to get hard and be like. And then go back to reading. Go back to like, I was holding my brother's head. I wonder how many great historians and academics, like they just like pause. pause they're like they're like reading the dead sea scrolls and like oh gotta get this out of the way well you can't focus you can't it's impossible to get a boner you can't sit there and try to read about like the geography of the solomon islands

no all i'm thinking about is sliz. Yeah. If you're trying, if you're like in your head, if I have like jerking off scheduled in my head, first of all, it immediately gets bumped up to like now every single time. It's first. It's like, yeah, I'll definitely jerk off. And it's like, how about I do that now?

Yeah, I should probably do that first. And I'm like, no, let me get some stuff done. And my brain's just like, let's jerk off. Let's jerk off. Let's jerk off. And you're like, you like you know what let's jerk off it'd be fine yeah you gotta get it done yeah man no it's an issue yeah i felt weird yeah i mean it's it's always weird too like um brit left she went she went home to chicago to see family and uh i just like i like immediately drove home and like i was like oh i'm gonna jerk

off and take a nap it was like my first thing i like i was like in a completely silent house jerk off and take a nap and then like i told my neighbor that i was like yeah you know brit's gonna i'll have the house to myself you know blah blah so as soon as i lay down jerk off i lay down for like 20 minutes to take a nap and i he sent me a thing like hey i just received your package like you know i just saw blah blah and in my head i was like i was like uh thinking be like i'll come down in a minute and i'm like this guy probably knows i fucking can't because i just told him like hey about to have the house myself so he's probably like huh i just saw him walk in there i wonder where he went he fucking knows that's a nice thing when i lived with a lady whenever she left

it was it's great it's like uh brings you back it's like uh when you lived at your parents dude i'm telling you as soon as they leave the house you're sitting there jerking off waiting to hear the garage door there's that's all my that's all my bucket list dude i was talking about i don't know if i really talked about this i mentioned it briefly about catching the ultimate and i think the ultimate is going home to your childhood jerk off spot as an adult and fucking like if i could jerk off my and my not my parents specific not their bathroom but like the hat like the one that we all all the kids share yeah i was taking a dump in there the other day and i'm like damn i used to jerk it in here it was like dude if i could i used to i told you before i should just like stand up and come into the bathtub off the toilet i'm like dude if i get i was like i needed to rip one more in the tub dude

just just bucket list stuff dude that's that that's the ultimate well yeah you have a fucking wife and child you gotta you gotta live my life i'm've been ripping the ultimate this whole time. How does it feel? It does rule. I was about to say, dude. True. Ripping the ultimate does rule. That's Mecca, dude. You got to go home and rip the ultimate.

You have to take Hajj. You have to take Hajj back to you. Isn't it Hajj? Isn't that the pilgrimage? I forget. I think it's Hajj. I've always respected the most. Yeah, you have to take Hajj back to your family's bathtub that you

used to take hour-long showers in in seventh grade. Man. I mean, dude, if I could go back into that bathroom and just rip a Vaseline jerk, I might not come back from it. Just do that. I might leave my body. You need

to be like, hey, me and my family are going to come over for dinner. And then just while you're at dinner, just be like, excuse me, stand up from the table and then two hand Vaseline up in the bathroom. How long does that take? Like 10 minutes? You could get that off. You can get that off quick. So if you're using Vaseline it's like i mean it depends

if you're gonna if you didn't pre-warm the vaseline you got to kind of work it in otherwise it's just kind of a glob so i mean yeah it would take i would say how would you pre-warm it 90 seconds how would i i would just i would take it you could well you got to sacrifice your one hand or you can just just put it on and just start moving it around, dude. Or, you know, really, it's like I used to get it and go like this really fast with it. And then, you know, but then you have two Vaz hands, which is kind of a conundrum. I mean, dude, ripping a Vaseline jerk is like serious business. Yeah. I would say it's almost borderline adultery.

What do you think it ranks next to your friend's blood and guts on your hands? I think it's second best. I think it's second best. I think number one has to be like your friend's internal organs on your hands in a hole in the dirt. Yeah, I mean, yeah, especially following a near-death experience yourself. Yeah, that's that's a that I mean, again, that's actually the ultimate. The only thing we can get as you know, as being the feet men that we are of our modern age who don't know about the trials and tribulations of warfare, we can just go home to our parenthood. That is always – oh, also, I re-watched Thin Red Line after reading this guy's account of Guadalcanal.

I think it's the number one World War II movie. Nice. The Thin Red Line. Have you seen it? No. Where is it? is it based it takes place on guadalcanal and uh it rules it's it's it's one of the few world war ii movies that's not like corny you know it's not like like in like in saving private ryan they just had like a sniper

that was cool with them yeah which don't get me wrong i loved the sniper in saving private ryan they just had like a sniper that was cool with them yeah which don't get me wrong i loved the sniper in saving private ryan but like it was still like a war movie like it was still like hey nobody knows where captain worked before the war and like the small talk of like it was cheesy they make it like a hallmark card yeah versus thin red line which is like very like there's tons of cast members that are superstars or like very famous actors that are just in it for like a second yeah like guys die unceremoniously in ceremoniously i think it's unceremoniously yeah guys talking about war dude you're talking about war we're talking about the the war in the pacific matthew we're talking about and i think it's the perfect war movie for the pacific matt i dude i agree i i honestly names tons of names you know but nobody knows where they are or who they are

you've kind of heard of the movie it's kind of everybody's like saving private ryan that's the movie that's the i mean all thin red lines just quietly art yeah you know true no i'm serious dude i i like it good you know i like a good um you would love it it's very war movie it's very like into the psyche of these dudes and like it's dude you would fucking love it i gotta check it out man it's on amazon i haven't seen a good war i mean i've i've i typically just enjoy them you know uh just watching them like just watching everyone get like blown up and just being this whole time being like, dude, I would that would be me, dude. I would definitely. This is yeah. This is one of those movies where it's like I could never be any of those guys.

Yeah. Like they're all scared. They're all, you know, it's like that. Dude, reading this. I had a nightmare about boot camp. Did you really? So I was reading the book about his his boot camp experience and then i watched a youtube video of just marines boot camp

like arriving and getting processed and all that and i had a nightmare i was back at west point going through boot camp again and i was like god damn it dude i gotta quit again just like right when i got there it was getting yelled i was like god damn it dude i gotta quit again just like right when i got there i was getting yelled i was like this sucks i'm leaving damn yeah yeah i'm all in right now of just war in general quarantining sucks by the way so you've been that's the worst part that's that's what i was i was told that to britney last night i'm like i'm more worried about what covid would do to my schedule than to my body it's not that i was doing too much before yeah he was doing stand-up for you know traveling and doing things this is like i feel bad you know i don't go into stores i don't like yeah

i try to obviously avoid everybody yeah i feel like if you have covid you know there's people have so much strong feelings about the entire situation that I think sometimes they can take out their negative feelings about the situation on those of us who are unfortunate enough to contract the virus. To have contracted the terrible disease.

Exactly. And as, I mean, should I be ashamed of this disease that I have? As a survivor? As a survivor of a disease should i feel guilt and shame i don't know some people would maybe some people would have you believe that yeah fucked up dude i mean especially i you know i i heard you were specifically part of the way you contracted it was rushing uh the vaccines to impoverished areas first i heard there was like

the stories i've heard after, you know, obviously there was, I was there for when you ripped the tube out of your throat, but before you contracted the virus, I was, I heard this rumor about you where like, there was like a bunch of 70 year olds who are about to get the vaccine and you, you push them down and then took them from the elderly. And I said, this needs to go to POC.

Yes. And you ran to the nearest POC neighborhood and you forcibly injected them for their own good. And I was like, wow, that's brave. I said, hold on, white people. We got to test these out real quick on some POCs to save them. I saw that today about how they're like, we're not giving it to old people. We're giving it to people of color. All right, man. I have been, I'm off Twitter that's been good yeah

I'm staying off that stuff which helps I don't watch it now Trump's off Twitter I'm off Twitter true you guys both left no point did they really kicked him off yeah he got deep left from everything

damn is he gonna so he's gonna be on like fucking info wars basically i was thinking he should just have a press conference where he comes out and reads all his tweets for the week like he just instead of tweeting just writes him down and then sits down he's like thanks for joining me uh the masked dancer i said wow what a great show that would have got a lot of likes. A lot of people would have liked that tweet. Also, like, every – just goes through. He writes at a time that he would have tweeted.

Oh, dude. I saw something briefly about him getting kicked off of Twitter, and I didn't take the time to, like, see if that was true or not. But he got kicked off. Apparently, there were sources saying he called Mike Pence a a pussy i saw that the new york times now that's another thing that bothers me is there's always an in there's always been inside sources at the white house that are like the president's losing his fucking mind they're like he's so mad about this and it's like i don't know if I believe you guys

because you guys would lie about that because you guys are gay. But according to the New York Times, and I didn't even see it from the New York Times. I saw someone quote say it was from the New York Times. But he was like, you can either be remembered as a patriot or you can be remembered as a pussy to the Pence dog. I know, dude. I think Pence chose chose pussy dude hey i think he did i would have he saved himself he did and you know it'll be interesting it's funny it's a funny self-save because i'm

wondering like what his political ambitions are now like what's the pence president pence dude you think president pence is going to just do that he rides out the last two weeks as yeah count it on the resume technically it would count yeah they're trying to impeach Trump again yeah I know they I think they're they're pretty yeah they're pretty pumped on it I just I need to see it's just funny because they'll be like watching Pence leave all this and just go get a job as an accountant he just strikes me as an accountant he's like an accountant in the vice president's body i feel like that guy should just be chilling counting beans he's just like wait how did i get here yeah it's just him and donald trump hanging out the least two compatible people i've ever seen

you have like friends in your group of friends that you're like wait they're hanging out yeah you know it'd be like if like blizz and shane were hanging out like wait who's hanging out what are they doing it's like wait wood and mckeever are i i feel like their situation's almost like like the cool dude was struggling with his grades and then like they sent the nerd struggling with his grades and then like they sent the nerd in to tutor him and then they're like you're actually a pretty good help and we could learn from each other you're actually a fucking loser never changed like i actually think this guy's all right he's like i was with mike he's a loser oh he's gonna turn on him hard it'll

be fun he turned on him big time I think I carried that guy I made him a name And then he turned on me at the end Yeah They said that while Trump While Pence was being They whisked Pence away Pence was under threat

And they said Trump never checked on him But was just kind of still Like what a bitch In so many words Just kind of like still being like Man I can't believe my vice dude bitching out i think yeah that was i that whole thing was pretty wild well that would be funny too because they you know say say pence you know maybe somebody approached

pence and blackmailed him the blackmail you need to get on him would be so it would just be like we saw you looked up so you big korean naturals he's like the the blandest porn thing and he'd be like naked sex i'll do whatever you want jesus christ don't tell my wife god damn it don't tell my church don't tell my parents uh in 2008 you googled missionary position between married, loving couple. And he's like, Jesus, fuck, no. Yeah, I say. Yeah, what they got him on is probably so sick, dude. Yeah, it's definitely a Google search of like big, big boob sex. Yeah.

He had like one too many glasses of sherry. He was drinking liqueur. He went home. I was like, Oh, he woke up the next day. Just like, my God,

what have I done? Sexy. He would self-report. He would tell his wife right away. He'd be like last night. I Googled pornography. I Googled XXX. we caught one of my cousins uh googling porn on his computer and it was porn xxx he just wanted porn dude in the most generic sense dude man how great was porn at first

eric said dude man how great was porn at first oh man we had like two of my friends had like tapes and it just oh yeah oh man i remember one time i knew my friend had porn that's all i wanted to do at his house i was like let's watch this because i'd seen it like twice yeah and i was like let's watch it and he was he big-timed me he's like i can't watch that stuff unless I'm jerking off, so I'm not just going to watch it. And I was like, yeah, me neither. I didn't know how to come. I need to get back to just watching, excitedly watching porn

with my boys. Let's just put it on and chill. We had to stop doing that. Because you guys are fapping? It's never just chilling. Next thing you know, somebody's coming. Do you remember who the first was to break the fap ice? Who was the lead everyone?

Like, no, this is chill. I don't. So that leads me to believe I could have been one of the commanders. If I blocked that part out. True. one of the commanders if i blocked that part out true well i feel like it has to be a conspiracy of two people who just start fapping simultaneously and everyone i think that's what it was and i think i think it was totally acceptable yeah i mean all it's it's like it's like the beginning of christianity like it has to be practiced underground at first just one of those things where it's just kind of like, let's just...

Actually, that's the other thing. There was no shame. There was no like, this is bad. Yeah. At all. Let's all not get caught. At least from my perspective, there was no like, is this gay? Yeah. Are we being

gay? I mean, that's just how, that's a testament to how horny you are. In your head, you're just like, it's totally like if we started jerking off, it would definitely be gay if we jerked off in the same room. You and me jerked off? Yeah.

I mean, if we did now, I'm saying. I know. It would be erotic. We could do that as friends. I mean, I would, I'm sorry to say this, but I would put an erotic. We could do that as friends. I mean, I would, I'm sorry to say this, but I would put an erotic spin on it for myself. You would force an erotic spin on it with your loud grunts.

You got to be quiet. Yeah, that was, I feel like that's an interesting point in every young man's life of just, you know, doing the group jerk-off stuff, dude. It's funny that people who try to be like, I never did that shit. It's like, sorry you didn't have any good friends, bro. Yeah, sorry you weren't on the basketball team. Damn, dude, you still clean. Time. Still no dip.

Wow. No dip. No booze for two weeks i'm gonna go another week no booze hell yeah how's it yeah how's it feeling what do you what do you notice in terms of like not drinking like i was like a crazy booze bag what would happen was just uh once every like week i would get hammered yeah so basically for like the next so the day i got hammered and definitely at least the day after it was just garbage and then i'd be fine yeah that's usually the schedule now if there's a weekend like that tampa weekend i just said that oh yeah sorry to everybody that went to the show In Tampa I had COVID-19 Who'd they replace you with? Titus? Kevin Brennan Oh nice yeah he's hilarious

Damn so people just showed up having no idea They got like You would think they would email Yeah I would imagine they did Yeah maybe yeah maybe some I would imagine they did I just didn't At the time I didn't want to make a Public hey I have COVID Statement yeah I wanted to make sure that COVID was a hoax. And it is true. You should have said you had the metanoma virus.

You know, you don't want to put lies out there because obviously, you know, the fact that we have so many listeners only increases that we are. Karma is increased by every single listener. Yeah. So if you lie, you're paying for it times, whatever it is, you know, 40,000. Here's my dilemma. Here was my dilemma. What? Here was my dilemma. So I didn't want to publicly say I had COVID.

Yeah. Because I didn't feel like dealing with that. People being like, see, I told you, matter of fact, it's very annoying. And then I didn't want to say what the truth was, which was somebody in my family tested positive, which is why I was being safe and not doing the show in Tampa. Because if I said that, everybody at the party that I went to would know I brought the COVID to the party.

True, dude. I was in a tough spot. You brought the Zima, dude. Eventually I had to just admit to everybody that I, in fact, brought the COVID to the party. That was the main thing. I got lucky that nobody got COVID from me. Yeah. And I just wasn't contagious.

Yeah. I just was fortunate the good lord blessed me with no symptoms and not contagious other than losing smell which was very weird yeah what was that like it was crazy because at first you're like is this just in my fucking head i failed the ass test man what that's what i knew i had covid dude pull my glasses down like excuse me my god he failed the ass test so you i mean i'm talking about the ass test like did you do like the upper part of your butt crack or did you like actually i think i danced around the fucking top dude did you wow but hold a hand oh God. And you just, nothing. Lay it in bed. So I just get done, you know, listening to an audio book about the Indianapolis.

So I'm listening to like, dude, the most horrifying stories of all time is when I go to sleep to the worst stories ever that you can imagine. And then I'm sitting there and it was the day my mom tested positive. Before I left, I was was like you should get tested yeah and I told I genuinely forgot which is crazy I went and hung out with a bunch of my friends um but she called me on New Year's Day or the day after it was like I tested positive but but then I was like oh fuck, fuck, do I have it? So I scheduled a test immediately. But before I tested positive, I failed the ass test. And that's when I knew, oh, I definitely have it. I can't smell.

I omitted that fact. All I said was I can't smell. Fuck. The ass test, to fail the ass test is scary. Yeah, man. And I'm talking to Matt. It was New Year's Day. It was a swampy butt.

You had party butt, dude. I had party butt. You had party butt, dude. You failed that? I failed the party butt test. Oh, my God. Which, as soon as you fail the party butt test your hand's not disgusting true i stuck my hand in my ass and smelled it and there was no smell so i was like

my hand's clean i can just go to sleep fine just i wonder if if the i wonder if that actually was the thing that mitigated your coronavirus the ass coming straight having ass right whatever that stuff was just came through i was like i was fucking ate it all up just pac-man dude yeah but losing your sense of smell is crazy especially because nobody believes you like i was the whole time i was like dude i can't smell anything you know connor was like i go through that too like i go through like weeks where i'm like oh i can't smell and you'll be fine i'm like no i genuinely he did i was symptom denied a couple times wow he was like well that could be psycho psychosomatic yeah so then i i had to prove it to him because i had to prove to myself well i opened a bottle of bleach and inhaled it was like nothing he was like nothing.

He was like, you shouldn't do that. He has something to say. You shouldn't at all. He was like, even if it doesn't smell, don't do that. It's just funny. I'm sure he'd be very matter of fact about it. He'd be like, well, I mean, either way, I don't think you should do that. Yeah, yeah.

Are you smelling bleach? It got jarred loose. My smell got jarred loose. Tommy took a crap. And I was like, oh, I a crap and i was like oh i smell that like nice did you go into the bathroom and it's fully like just yeah it was like uh it's like miracle on 34th street or whatever oh my god everybody i can smell shit so you're just taking with two men you were taking yeah how is how's the dumps been in there it's crazy i don't want to get my own i financially i'm like i can't i don't want to get my own place it's so expensive yeah like a place in new york like a decent place is like

2500 a month yeah and for some reason i can't bring myself to do it even though i could do that yeah i mean it needs to be done it's gonna happen soon scarcity and for some reason I can't bring myself to do it, even though I could do that. Yeah, I mean. It needs to be done. It's going to happen soon. Scarcity mindset, dude. Once things open up again. Or before they do. That way you get the good deals.

True. You know what I mean? Yeah, we'll see. We'll see. You'll get the good deals about that, dude. I don't know if I can live by myself, dude. You ever live by yourself? No. It's awesome, dude. You went ret know if I can live by myself, dude. You ever live by yourself? No,

it's awesome, dude. You went retarded when you did. What are you talking about? I'm a, I'm a fucking, you stop believing in germs and let ladybugs live in your house. That was a phase. And I still would let ladybugs live in my house today if I could,

dude. I might bring them back. I mean, the bugs just, first of all, the ladybugs just appeared. So I, you know,

my aunt and uncle, my aunt and uncle's house used to get crushed by ladybugs. It was crazy dude They're awesome It'd be in the corner of the ceiling And it would be like a clump that big Of just ladybugs Did you ever see that?

No I've never seen that many It was insane I had like 9 or 10 of them just kind of kicking around I was pretty pumped Oh this was like hundreds, thousands What? Yeah they would like clump up in the corner every year they ladybugs just destroy this house they're good they don't they don't hurt anything yeah it's a little off-putting though when you walk into a

room and there's a thousand dogs i love the i mean i've been in houses before where it's like like like stream like lines of roaches like process like just kind of just marching onward that's fucked up ladybugs man i i was always i'd always come in i'd be like man i love it yeah i love these little ladybugs and i had my daddy long legs would kind of kick around and do their thing it was like i had a very good system really nice ecosystem it was big bugs are always welcome in my house i'm a fan of those guys roaches i don't think roaches it's on site obviously i'll kill a roaches yeah for sure millipedes on site yeah and you gotta watch roaches will get in your outlets i've learned i've dealt with that yeah roaches will nest in your outlets and then it's

they'll come out of you can if you look in your outlet if you see almost what looks like black pepper that's roach droppings and they'll they'll just nest them they'll like go into your little ground you know where the ground thing is and it's yeah walk and they'll notice if you look they'll just chill and you'll see their ant their little now their antlers little antennas will just pop out it's fucked up yeah dude i'm telling you wow people a lot of times get roaches they don't know where they are it's like check your outlets they'll you take them out and you vacuum them up. Should have muted my mic for that. I'm sorry. I'm happy you did. Tell me about roaches and outlets.

No, I would like to, I I'd like to live by myself. Yeah. That'd be nice. It's pretty chill, dude. I mean, uh, I was into it again. Like I was also like 22. So I was like a fucking, I could get pretty lonely in the big city, dude. I, yeah, that's true. But it's also, I mean, I enjoy my solitude I've learned. So it's like, you can really get into your, and you can go out and hang with everybody, but like, dude. Yeah, exactly. That's, what's nice about doing standup is I would be able to go hang out with everybody yeah exactly you go home I would go home and like play the guitar and sing at the top of my lungs it was it was so funny I love it I'll just come home and like I was like I had a whole bunch of songs

and then I would go yeah then I would just like put the guitar down fap just as like gloriously and then just like, you know, pass out and go to bed. Yeah, it's tough. O'Connor's bed is right here. And mine is, we're sharing a wall, our bed. So fapping is I can't shake the wall. True.

What do you got? You're a military man though, so you can bust out a quick one. You can bust out a quick and quiet. Oh, you know me. Oh quick one. You can bust out a quick and quiet. You know me. Oh God. I can't believe I had a, I usually don't, I don't think about, I like blacked out going to West point for three weeks. Yeah. I like, don't remember it. It was that much. I hated it that much. But yeah, that dream was, I was like, Oh oh fuck i gotta do this again yeah just like stand

against the wall do this i was like this is gay oh oh you know what i've been watching that fucking bothered me i've been watching uh stolen valor videos yeah they're very sad yeah man they're not like that cool no it's fucked up it's yeah i almost get the same feeling now it's not as bad obviously but like when i used to watch when to catch a predator first came out and it would always just be like a retarded guy yeah they would always just catch clearly a mentally handicapped like 23 year old and it'd be like all right well come on get them off camera like this is mean now yeah yeah this is mean what you're doing and it's be like all right well come on get him off camera like this is mean now yeah yeah this is mean what you do and it's the same thing like the stolen ballot one of them was like

a mentally challenged kid damn he was young and he was in a uniform and some guy was like you see this i'm a fucking wounded veteran he had his license plate that said he was a wounded veteran he was like take that the fuck off and he he was like, it's my brother's. It's my older brother's. Like, he ripped the patch off. And the kid was like, that's my older brother's. Give that back. And it was like, give it back to him.

Yeah, man. Yeah, the one they got was great. They got this black guy who was dressed like a warlord. He had, like, every medal. And he was like, man, motherfucker motherfucker i'm also a fucking military police i'll bust your ass you keep fucking with me like this he's like just let him go and then you think like how sad it is this guy he went to church dressed in a full military uniform and it's like he's got problems yeah he wanted he wanted and it's like here's people that have shitty lives and they

want to feel important publicly yeah it's like i mean every once in a while they catch someone it's just like to catch a predator every once in a while they get a guy that's like a math teacher it's like all right get get that fucking guy pull that motherfucker out of here yeah it's uh yeah did you read did you see the thing i don't know if i i talked about this with you or not there were i read an article someone sent it to me actually about a guy who had so someone was running for local office in this guy's town in texas and the guy like it is for some reason it struck this guy strange he never heard of this guy before looked into his address and saw that he didn't live in the correct place that he was supposed to be in he was like hey he's running for city council here or whatever but you have to live

here and he actually lives here and the address he gave me is just an empty vacant house there's no way this guy lives here um and then they looked into so the guy like went on facebook and was like yo this guy running for office is a fucking fraud like he's not from this area blah blah blah and everyone's like you fucking psycho you went to his house fuck you and everyone's like you're a fucking loser dude and like just like meanwhile two days before just to give you a sense of this dude i think i told you this part but the uh his cat had been killed by like another animal and he had waited in a tree for three nights found the animal that did it it was like a coyote or something and shot and killed it you know the guy who was lying about where he lived no no no the guy who was on the hunt for this this guy who was running

for politics that should have redeemed him well no no so here this isn't the story's not even over so the uh so the guy you know this guy this is when they interviewed him he had like just spent a couple nights in a tree to like avenge his dead cat so he fucking kills the coyote or whatever killed his cat and then all of a sudden his wife's like hey do you see this guy's running he's like i never heard of that who is that guy and they look him up and they're like where does it say he lives and they look and they go that's that's a vacant house he doesn't live there so that's when he went on facebook like yo this guy's a fucking liar um and everyone's like you're a fucking psycho dude you

went to his house you're a stalker fuck you and then the guy that came out the guy was saying like he has like he was like the guy who saying like he has like he was like a the guy who was running was saying like he was in the military and he was like an army rank and he's like was was claiming all these wild things that he did for in the military like elite level shit um and everyone's like dude this guy's like an elite level military and you're fucking stalk you piece of shit blah blah blah uh and his wife was the guy was like whatever fuck it and his wife was like nah fuck this man i don't like my husband getting messed with so the wife started called her dad who was in the military and they have a service to check for people who are stealing valor i forget what it's called but

you can call the military and they'll do the search and be like here's these people's actual credentials and it turned out the guy like was kind of in the army reserves and like dick something like that like barely was in the military no far from it and he also made up a thing too he like made up an entire department that the dad was like that went defunct in like 1945 what the fuck's he talking about yeah and they the guy got publicly disgraced to it he had stolen valor to win like city council so the guy got to be like hey fuck you guys remember you guys said i was a dickhead yeah we almost got ruled this incredible incredible story of me avenging my cat that should have won him the office regardless he wasn't even running it was just he was just that type he wasn't

running no he was just that kind of guy he like who's running opponent no he just was like fuck that guy i don't know go get it he just had a feeling man he was tracking that kind of guy he like who's running no he just was like fuck that guy i don't know go get it he just had a feeling man he was tracking he's gone home man i was military guys you wouldn't understand i dude i hear you bro i hear you loud and clear i was more always like dark ops kind of i was more like intelligence dark ops kind of guy yeah you struck me as one of those paper pencil posters dude we don't like your comment bro i mean me and my brothers yeah stealing intelligence valor sweet because you can never like nobody's gonna come out like actually no i'm a spy and i think he's all you have to do all you have to do is be like yeah i work i work for the nsa you're like oh where

i can't tell you can't talk about it yeah i got legally i can't tell you. Can't talk about it. Legally, I can't tell you anything else. That's all this comedy podcast has been a front for our double intelligence lives, dude. Oh, yeah. We're just gathering guys that would storm the Capitol. We have a list of everyone's names that listens to this. We have a list of a bunch of people that were like, that wasn't so

bad. Oh, fuck. Got another one. Yeah, just share the messages of the government check out these memes one of the guys that got caught stealing valor there was some really funny ones i watched like a top 10 best stolen dollars and uh one of the guys was in like a full military uniform and it said uh whatever the explosive explosives the to disarm ieds yeah he had that patch on and was just like sitting at like a uh an airport yeah and these dudes were like yeah are you they just nailed this guy and he's like yeah i'm i'm you know i

just got back that's why i don't have any clothes so this is all i have to wear that's why i'm still in uniform they're like because he was trying to say he was retired yeah he was like because i forget what it's called there's a there's a number that if you're in the military you know your m something yeah uh i mean i wasn't in long enough i forget mine mine you know obviously goes yeah it's, some MSOC or something, but yeah, this guy just had to sit there and be like, it's, it's the only clothes I have. I just got home. Like I wish I could wear regular clothes, but these are the only clean clothes I have. And they just kept hammering him to the point where he was like, all right,

these are my stepson's fatigues. I've been wearing them because I don't have any other clothes. And they're like, yeah, you do. You fucking liar. He's like, all right. I are my stepson's fatigues. I've been wearing them because I don't have any other clothes. And they're like, yeah, you do. You fucking liar. He's like, all right, I just like wearing them. I might steal valor of people who go and check. I might just start checking other soldiers and be like, bullshit, man. Like, I'm actually, I'm 5'4", 302.

I'm like, all right, good. Just check him, bro. There's a compilation of guys trying to get somebody on that. Just getting drilled by a superior officer yeah they they fucking one of the guys one of the guys they got that was good was this like fat dude walking in the mall claiming he was an army ranger dude he looks so funny he looks like a he looks like peter griffin he's like walking in the mall he's got a bag and the guy the guy who films him like tricks him hard into like stealing valor like intensely he's like

oh my son just wanted to meet you he wanted to say thank you for your service the guy was like oh thanks buddy how are you and he starts talking to the kid and he's like see this patch this means i fight bad guys that's what i do i basically i go on missions and then uh the guy just destroys him oh he had like a badge that or a patch that represented like three different theaters of war yeah and he was like you served in three theaters of war lately how did you do that he was like well this one's iraq and i did afghanistan twice he's like you wouldn't get it twice for afghanistan he's like so i know you're lying and the guy's like actually this one was outside of the borders so they don't you know tell anybody there's actually private military service it was great damn dude the guy even answered the phone

he was like this is staff sergeant go ahead it was like damn this guy's really stealing that like i mean dude there would be the feeling the the hot shame of being in the mall and being like next to an auntie ann's and fatigues and having some guy videotape and blowing your spot up would just be oh that's such a bad feeling and then you gotta walk out in the military outfit like yeah and he had to this is illegal first of all is it illegal it is it is illegal oh okay it's like a federal crime i rest my case designed just to arrest special needs guys like nobody else is doing this it's just guys that want to feel important that are like sad damn is this part of the 13th amendment this is part of the prison pipeline dude it must be those guys probably

work hard as fuck dude i mean why not just these dudes breaking rocks yeah why not just like that what's the punishment for it i don't know i think you just get shamed on the internet oh oh like when they catch people with hookers and like put their picture on there yeah see it is it is that i think that's what makes me feel so bad about it is the the shame you can see these guys and they answer all the questions like as fast they're so happy when they can answer a question when they're like oh yeah where were you guys stationed it's like for brag like they're they're so happy to like get one right now like actually the infantry doesn't train that they train here and he's like well i we were in a

special unit that did train there like it's oh you gotta watch it it's it's pretty heartbreaking god damn dude that's so happy to he was so happy to steal valor for like a kid that was excited to meet a troop. He was like, oh, hey, buddy. And then the guy just started destroying him. It'd be funny if one of the guys was like, look, I'm just here to fuck kids, all right? I'm just here to fuck kids.

I don't want to steal Valor, but they like the uniform. He's like, I fucking love G.I. Jones, dude. Come on. I swear I'm just fucking kids. Damn, I can't believe I got COVID, though. It happens, bro. Yeah, I had a good feeling I got COVID though Nah it happens bro I'm waiting Yeah I had I had a good feeling

I was gonna get it I mean the fact that You champed it Obviously I figured you would But It's pretty tough I did not I figured

I was gonna get leveled By this thing Dude I That's the thing I fantasize about COVID Specifically is having That kind of dark night Of the soul

Where I'm like This could be it Having like the St. Francis of assisi moment where i know like just like is that you in a hospital yeah i had a dark goblin last night dude i couldn't fucking sleep i don't know what it is i had the absolute dark goblin it was like i i've sometimes when i go to like i'll feel tired and i go to lay down in my I just get like super adrenalized to the point where I I was I was laying there and like I I could have sworn I heard people talking outside and it was the point by now you know by then it's like 2 30 and

I laid in bed at like 10 30 so this point I'm completely out of my mind and nuts because I'm trying to fall asleep I'll like I'm like I can fall asleep. Let me watch like an hour and a half video on Jungian archetypes. And I'll like watch the whole thing and then be like, all right, time to sleep. I'm like, are people talking outside? And it's like, I don't want to check just in case they're not. I'm like, Jackson, I have Jackson jump in bed with me. I'm like, come on, buddy. We're going to sleep.

Oh, because you were alone. Yeah, I was alone, man. I think I think my body was just missing my fucking partner, dude. I was like, oh, I can't wait. I'm going to stretch out and take the whole bed up. And then I laid there and it was all quiet. And I was like, I saw she took the sound machine with her. And I was like, damn it.

She flew with the sound machine? Yeah, she took the fucking sound machine. Yeah, dude, she took the sound machine. I shouldn't have called you. I should never have talked about your lady like that. Well, you just read my thought because I rolled over in bed and I was like, that fucking bitch took the sound i shouldn't have called you i should never have talked about your lady like that well you just read my thought because i i rolled over in bed and i was like that fucking bitch took the sound yeah if i'm gonna be honest that's what i thought and then i laid there and intensely intensely missed her dude i sat there and went like it was it was just strange man it's

so weird how like i i usually just hit the pillow and pass out and i just laid there and was just like i couldn't sleep then i started being like i need to go to you know the classic thing where you're like but i need sleep and then it's like well you just bought yourself an extra hour oh yeah for sure so i got back on my jordan peterson bag so it was good like that i got to watch nice dude see what he's up to so i read the i saw the video of his new book i read his new 12 new rules pretty tight not gonna lie i kind of liked him um and then uh watched like his personality video so it's pretty tight nice well there you go it was worth it 100 i got hit with the goblin i get hit with the guy i was i had to like just being stuck in a house it's fucking shitty yeah it's bad so i've been hitting

like long walks this whole time and then That's when the goblin strikes During a walk? During walks What? What the fuck are you doing? Dude Reveries of the solitary walker Rousseau begs to differ dude

That was the only time I enjoy the walk I enjoy the walk Most of the time But yeah I had a sad walk The other day Did you?

Oh yeah Just a full Charlie Brown walk the other day. Did you? Oh yeah. Just a full Charlie, Charlie Brown walk. You're a bittersweet symphony, dude. It's walking by people like, Hey, yeah, must be nice. And I, you know, I want to cover my face when I walk by people and I hope they don't think it's at them. Yeah yeah that's always kind of awkward man i want to be like no i have covet yeah no actually actually i have it i

actually have covet i'm i figured i would stretch my legs out here i'm sorry dude i was uh the russo this is just his book about like the things he came up with while walking towards like the end of his life and uh i didn't know anything about this dude like what he was it was just one of those names here people say like oh russo yeah blizz actually gave me the book because i gave him a book and he traded me one and dude i didn't know this dude kind of fucking ruled dude i read it like they you know the author the translator gives his biography uh and apparently he was just like so first of all he was born and his mom immediately died which is just like legend shit legend in the making obviously his mom died like right after and then his dad when he was 10

his dad got into an argument and self-exiled you know what self-exile is yeah i figured it out you i didn't i didn't i didn't know i heard i was like okay you just you angrily make a point to tell everyone you're leaving the country and then you leave and it's like you're not in exile you're like i'm leaving i'm so pissed off his dad got in a fight that it got him so angry that he just left self-exiled and kind of just left his son so he was like i'm out of here so young russo was like fuck he had to find a master so he like apprenticed under a bunch of people and was russo one of those guys who, I guess there was a night where there was a day in France where they skinned all the cats.

All right. Sorry. What time period was this? Rousseau was like dying towards like, he was alive. He died in 1778. That would have been around what year? 1778.

He was like reaching his, his age. Like he was like starting to, he was like dying. I think he died 1778. He was like reaching his age. He was like starting. He was like dying. I think he died in 1778. So, yeah, he. Yeah, he was close to. I could have sworn that was near the French Revolution.

Was it before? When was the French Revolution? The French Revolution was before the American Revolution, right? No, it was after. Oh, well, yeah. So then is that really? Was it after? okay yeah i mean so he he was like i guess he died right before the french revolution then yeah but his he actually

helped write the encyclopedia part of his he like was uh he apprenticed under a bunch of things and then he like you know just him and his boys wrote the encyclopedia which you know swag to them um but he ended up he just wanted to be a music composer and you know he would he would like he would just like compose music and do teach music and do stuff like that but he started he just like well fuck it let me like write a book he wrote a book smash hit dude sensational really but he'd say but secretly and he would say he hated right he hated books and he hated writers he's like writers are fucking dorks he's like they're liars they're they're uh you know they're all about themselves they don't care about what they're writing he's like i only wrote because i had a burning message for the world he's like it disgusted me to sit and idly spend my time writing these words down he's like all my contemporaries are just writing anything to

get published dude he came out and it's like he came up people he was hot dude everyone knew him as jean jock in france he was like people like dude he's the man so he became intensely successful and just convinced himself everyone was his enemy and just became a recluse and just fucking was like fuck you guys dude i'm fucking out of here because people were like yeah like i guess they had kind of beef with some of his writings and he became too radical of a figure. So France actually kicked him out. And he was just like, dude, I have so many fucking enemies. Then he went to his last book is just him just like laughing at the fact that his enemies, although they, you know, they destroyed.

What did he say? Like they took a sensitive soul like his and just made the world barren of fruit for his soul. So now all he can do is find you know pleasure in his own reveries and walking by himself but he just walked this guy just walks along i think he was allowed back into france at one point it was just like damn dude my enemies can never squash my inner joy dude and they it brings me so happy he's walking back and forth dude it was so funny just getting pet apparently the biographer was like, apparently he said like everyone's out to get them.

But like, like when they look at those sources, everyone's like, we actually kind of like the guy. I don't know what his problem was. He just needed haters. Everybody's on my shit now. No one could stop me. I'm having fun on this walk. Yeah, dude.

So then he just, yeah. So his walks were just him being like, damn's so gay, but I have to do it. Now I need to find this cat thing, and I can't. The what? Cat. I could have sworn in history class, I learned that there was a night where all the elites, I believe it was France, had cats.

Maybe it was England. Maybe that's why I can't find it. But they had cats, and so all the peasants just massacred cats. Maybe it was England. Maybe that's why I can't find it. But they had cats. And so all the like peasants just massacred cats. Damn. Yeah. And I think that's how the term like more than one way to skin a cat comes. Really? I think.

Anyway. The Great Cat Massacre. Yeah, the Great Cat Massacre. Where was it? France. England or France? French. Yeah.

France. Was it 1790s or 80s? 1784. Yeah, look at that. Oh, no, no. Sorry, sorry. 1984 was the first time it was in the book. When...

When the fuck... Oh, so there's just a book called The Great Cat Massacre. So this is just about the book. What the fuck? Oh, so yeah, dude dude this would have been okay so this was doing that paris in the late 1730s so yeah this this was this was when uh so yeah rousseau's dad had just exiled in 1922 all right so he was eight when they were just tearing the cats out coming he knew the cats are coming he knew there going to be a big cat fucking massacre. He was just in a print shop, and he was like,

what's going on, master? And they're fucking murdering all the cats. And he's like, I'm out of here. This place sucks. Murdering all the cats. That was, dude, back then it was like, if you didn't have a, you know, if your parents weren't there to protect you,

obviously mom died, legend. And then dad was like, look, I love love you but i i gotta go fucking leave this country because i'm fucking pissed right now you had to seek like protection you had to go get a master and then you had to get so good at something that someone with money would be like you can just live in my house and do that thing or you'd become like a street vagabond pretty tight pretty fucking sick that does rule that's how like most of those painters yeah they were all like that yeah it was great master of the old masters and shit it was always like you went and studied under somebody yep i mean you could i'll tell you i'll tell you this shit o'connie put us on a big carnivagio tip did he run over my shoulder right

there damn dude i'll tell you what those painters of yore couldn't do they couldn't go and just complain they couldn't sit in the time square and just complain about how unfair it all was and you know get a good break i think they had to go their talent and share that with the world in a way where people valued it and weren't kind of guilted into it i'll tell you that much i'll tell you that maybe maybe maybe they were like little whiny pussies and all that like everybody hates me i'm leaving yeah man uh that dude that debt book i swear to god it's one of the it's so crazy to think about how like people struggled with like how government struggled with money because Cause it, this is kind of, it ties into the whole thing of like, you know,

like murdering cats and people uprising. But in England they had the, uh, like the coins were made out of silver. So if silver was starting, the price of silver would fluctuate, you know, obviously be worth more than like the coin value they assigned to it. So, you know, coin edges are like ridged. You look at a quarter, it has, you know why they're rich? No No. Because people used to clip coins. So you would get a coin from the government. You would transact, get a coin, and shave off a little bit of silver,

and then keep that in a little pile. So people were doing that. So the government was like, what the fuck, man? So the government did this thing. They like put out cheap coin. Like pennies are really kind of worthless. They tried that a long time ago. People are like, what the fuck, man?

No, this is money. It has to be worth worth something i think it was uh thomas lock one of those guys advised the king like look man you can't just fucking do this you got to put out the real deal silver and that's just what it is otherwise you're no you're you're no you know you're uh no better than the coin clippers so they're like all right fuck it and they put out like pure silver coins and then everyone just kept them because the price of silver skyrocketed so every like the citizenry just scrapped all they just like went to the junkyard like yo like just sold them on like a they didn't just buy stuff they just sold them to silversmiths and just like kind of came up and then everyone there was

just no money left so then like people starved to death and that guy lock had to be like all right so maybe i was a little wrong break out those pennies but yeah dude it like talked about how people would just run out of like money just went away because people just sold it for other stuff and then the only way you could get around was then the government started issuing paper bonds and then to you know to finance their war effort yeah and then if you if you had enough if you had like connections you could buy a paper bond and then they traded those things as money um but yeah it was fucking it was so funny watching like the amounts of times like when capitalism first came out like there was bubbles every other week people they were like oh this is the new big thing and then they would just implode and it's pretty crazy

yeah true speaking of my bitcoins how's your bitties dude they blew up, dude. Really? They blew up for like a few days. Now they're coming back down a little bit. So it's up fucking 7% like today. They're down? No. Today it's up 7% Bitcoin. That's what's up. I mean, dude, people might have, if you had Bitcoins back then, people would hang you.

They're like, that's a crime against God. You can't just create value. You can't just create something valuable out of nothing. Let me see that. Woo! That's one month. Woo, baby. Give me that.

That's the one month. Look at that spike right there. That was just this week. Last week. Dang. Your bitties look nice. Those aren't my bitt though that's that's the cost that's the price of one bitcoin yeah everyone's gonna think you have 36 000 in bitcoin

right now no please please let's jump change true that's not hundreds of thousands of dollars in bitcoin i heard uh what's his name mcafee gave you all of his digital currency before he got apprehended. He said, Shane, take this and hide it. Here's the microchip, dude. Take the microchip. I have the USB with it. Do you?

Right here. There's a lot of evil hippies that they claim they're Bitcoin millionaires. They're like, oh, dude, I have probably like millions of Bitcoin. I just, you know, I got to find that thing. Yeah, I got to log in and find it. That's a sick way to get evil hippie pussy and be like,

I'm a Bitcoin millionaire. I just got to go back to my boy's house who I traded that. I'll get that back. Yeah, I got to find that desktop. Yeah. I forget my login. Let's switch over to the page. Yeah, let's do it.

I believe we have a special guest for the Patreon. You may know him as Nick Mullen, the Mulldog. Should be coming on here. We'll see. Yeah, I hate doing Zoom, but, you know, on these times when I have COVID-19, we got to socially distance, probably for just this week. Should be good.

Since the smell came back should be good i don't know when i'm gonna test negative though no i think by next week you're fine i i talked to my other friend who had it and he said it's like he he was like bro i wish i'd never told people i fucking had it because he's like people just get really weird he's like once your symptoms go away it's really just 10 days after you have symptoms 10 days after that you're good to go yeah i don't i don't really care too much about that at first i did because i thought i thought i was gonna get wrecked by it yeah i don't feel like i don't feel like fucking dealing with this people being like

the i told you you were gonna get it um would they do that to an essential worker though it's kind of fucked up like no but it's not essential stand-up comedy is not essential work i mean dude in my opinion yeah i mean i i hear you but then it's like is you know philadelphia shut down everything but essential workers and then like let the ice skating rink stay open it's like is the ice people need to ice skate like if they why should they be you know again it's outdoors i get that but you know i don't know i just shane i just feel like we're saving life at the cost of everything it's worth living for bro i think we should you know i think we should stop being scared of this thing i mean i

i i never really was like in my actions. I mean, I still got tested a lot. I wanted to, I, I was afraid of my family getting it. Yeah. You know, I didn't care really. I figured I would just get sick, but no, I'm not very afraid of it now. I mean, I have it. Yeah, true. Yeah. I, you know, no, I couldn't, you know, people significantly healthier than me have been crushed by it. Yeah. True. Yeah. I, you know, no, I couldn't, you know, people significantly healthier than me have been crushed by it. Yeah.

But yeah, just, that's just how it goes. I took vitamin D for a year. That's why it worked out, dude. Obviously, dude,

it was nothing to you. Yeah. It's just, you know, people are so fucking afraid of this thing. It's like, you almost have to like, it's like the more,

again, we talked about this before, the more you watch the to like it's like if the more again we talked about before the more you watch the news you're just like forcing people to accommodate your like crazy fears of the shit and you gotta be like yeah yeah but yeah next week we'll be rocking and rolling next week for sure yeah we'll be back next week and uh yeah everybody's good so everybody a couple people reached out once they found out i had the vid really wanted yeah yeah well people i think just all of our listeners just assumed did they yeah i didn't do an episode last week true and that was just because i didn't want to zoom yeah um but yeah everybody's fine my family's fine i mean they're they got sick but they're all okay So yeah everybody's good

Hell yeah We're back Yeah let's switch over to the Patreon Let's get Maldog in here He'll probably definitely talk about the Capitol We need to talk to Cat dude We need to talk about that See ya