Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 332- Diamond Heist

Episode Date: January 27, 2021

Hoo Boy. Another week. Another two hours of BUHLSHEET. Anyway, topix include: Matt puking his birthday dinner, Shane cycling in his undies, virtual bird rankings, Bouncers, Lemaires bizzare sexual experience at the movies, and more stuff!!!     Support the DAWGZ @patreon.com/MSsecretpod Go to a show@ shanemgillis.com/live

two we are live and recording dude let's do it fantastic another week dude ah man dude i i uh feeling a bit uh kicked why your birthday boy i vomited dude my birthday dinner why i don't know i have no i'm still i'm puzzled but what happened what'd you eat prime rib i had some steak and all i had was steak potatoes and then i had some guacamole to start it off are you transitioning transition what do you mean how could this be you got sick from meats i don't know i don't know what the fuck i don't i think i might have had like a bad i might eat just a bad cut dude that could that could be dude it was and it or just might have been like severe indigestion

so i woke up at one o'clock. I had a great time. I'm always a little bit of like a bummed out on my birthday. Yeah. I'm always just kind of like, and I've actually thought about it today. I'm like, I think it's just because it's the middle of the winter. And that guy does my body just like all the sunlight and vitamin D leaves my body. I don't know.

Cause I get the same thing. Mine. Oh, you're November. No, mine's December. Sorry. Sorry. Man. We're not even fucking tight. December sorry this is fucked up excuse me uh it's december 11th yeah sorry uh i'll never forget it never forget uh yeah i when i was a kid i used to get sick every year i used to get the flu every year yeah which i think just timed with flu season but

it's always uncomfortable like going to a party that's for you or like a gathering that's for you i don't know so i get weird too yeah very uncomfortable with that it weirds me i was telling britney today i was like dude i i like i'm like actually jealous of like uh who was it wasn't matumbo someone else my new bowl like dudes like my new bowl who like don't know their birthdays. I'm, like, genuinely jealous of them. Yeah. Because you've got to watch, too, because a lot of Bays will – a lot of Bays, if you're not much of a birthday brat –

You're jealous of Sudanese African immigrants. Yes. Specifically them not knowing how old they are or, like – Guys from Chad. I'm jealous of guys who have, like, completely been cut off from the context they've come out of. Yeah. Like, I could be 58. I'm just living.

I have no idea. Dude, they estimated a new bowl was in his 50s when he was playing. Really? They would just put scratches on your head. Have you ever seen that picture of him swimming? No. It's him swimming underwater, and it is hilarious. He looks terrifying.

Is he nasty? No, he's just fucking eight feet long. He looks fucking insane. Is he nasty at swimming? I don't know. He might have been drowning. He was at the bottom of the pool. You know, I think the people who, so like in Sudan, whenever. You look at him in a new bowl swimming.

What the fuck? It's so spooky. I think he is drowning. He might be the only person, if pool hopping, they'd be like, hey. Oh, my God. You would believe it was an alien. Dude, that's scary as fuck. If pool hopping.

Pool hopping rules. All right. So you had some meat. Your tummy hurt. You turned 34? 35. Jesus, man. I'm 35.

Whatever. I'm kidding. I'm like Manute. 11, 12, never forget. I'm like Manute. 12, 11, never forget. Yeah. I'm kidding. I'm like Manute. 11, 12, never forget, dude. I'm like Manute Bolt. 12, 11, never forget. Yeah. I have no concept.

I'm like Manute Bolt with everybody else's birthday. Dude, I don't know one birthday. I don't know one. I know my sister Katie's because it's right before mine. Yeah. I don't know anybody else's. Dude, at the pharmacy, every time I go to pick up Brittany's medicine, they're like, and what is the birthday?

I'm like, uh, and it takes me a second. I fucking spaz internally and then I go, here it is. But yeah, dude, the, oh,

I'm sorry. You know what, you know what it's compared to? What I would say the birthday things like whenever I do a show at helium and everybody's hanging out to see me. Yeah.

Very like this sucks. Very uncomfortable. Yeah. Yeah, dude, that's the exact feeling. This year wasn't too bad because i failed at turning off the heat it's all good it's tough i shared the uh i shared a

very strict rule of never touching another man's thermostat so that's a good rule that took a lot out of me well you at least you you know i went over there i tried my best he's got one of those future thermostats i know dude it crap. Very linked into the surveillance state. Me, personally, I'm not putting any kind of smart device. Smart device. Hell no. They could shut off. The fucking deep state could shut off his heat at any point.

I'm surprised he gambles. Dude, my Peloton. Dude, they're going to shut you down. You see what they were doing with Biden's Peloton? What? They're like, he probably can't. First off, me and Biden have a Peloton. That's my president, y'all.

Heard that. Fuck, if I had known that, I wouldn't be ragging on him so dang much. He's on the Peloton. Yeah, it's only for elite athletes like me and 80-year-olds and women. I also heard Biden had an 8-inch penis. Not his son, who we've allegedly saw. Confirmed. Confirmed.

There's someone on the internet. I mean, mean unfortunately the person delivering this news claims that joe biden our president raped her but she was like i can tell you exactly what it's not tara reed is it no never forget her name who's tara reed the lady who biden fingered at a party i think no no not her no no allegedly fingered at a party this is a lady he alleged she she came out was like i'll tell you what i know exactly what his dick looks like looks like she could pick his dick out in a lineup yes she said it's i couldn't pick my dick out in a lineup i could definitely i wonder it'd be tough all right now we're on an important issue lineup of similar teenesses i could spot remotely similar teenesses

yeah could you pick it out that's a good good question. I might start an RV tournament version of just birds, and you've got to find yours. Oh. That'd be awesome. I'm all Peloton'd up, dude. Go ahead. You want the smallest teeness on earth? I've read O'Connor talking about that. What was he saying?

He said the Peloton teeness is unrivaled. Where did he say that? Twitter. That little fuck? Did he steal your tweet? He rode my fucking Peloton once that little weasel so he thinks he has the audacity to say that he shriveled his penis more than you no but he was the so i've had this peloton obviously i'm not friends with any chicks so nobody's shared the experience of the peloton with me yeah so i i o'connor got a

pair of shoes for himself so he could use mine and And the first time he got off, we commiserated on penis. I haven't had the penis discussion with anybody because you're sitting there, you penis up hard. It is like post-practice dong. And then you've got to stand up and pedal forward, and your dick goes in your own body. Sitting on a bicycle seat specifically diverts blood from your genitals. Really?

Yeah That's a side effect Of people who like Marathon bike hard So that's what's going on One of the things One of the things Is that what the fuck Is going on?

One of the side effects Of extreme cycling Is kind of like It just like diverts stuff I've got all those From your penis And Every side effect

Of extreme cycling I'm experiencing I extreme I cycled today, dude. Really? I woke up at like 6am. How's your libido?

It's through the roof. I'm all. That's good. Thinking about cum. Yeah, I think that's it. I think that's why they wear spandex on bikes. Cause otherwise,

if you don't wear, if you were a regular and ones, all the blood. It's impossible. You just look like a fucking dick. I, I, I wear Peloton on in. What do I wear? Uh, regular hand ones. It's impossible. You just look like a fucking dick. What are you Peloton on?

In? What do I wear? I have worn those Lululemons you got me. They're little birthday... I bought you some undies, dude. Damn, dude. I'm wearing Lululemons on a Peloton. So your libido is through the roof right now. You're wearing Lemmys, dude, on the Peloton?

That's tough. What? Admitting publicly, I're wearing lemmys dude on the peloton that's tough what admitting publicly i'm wearing lemons on a peloton dude i i'm i'm telling you man the lululemons are apologized to everybody out there unbelievably expensive underwear but they're they rule in fact put me up to it they're like just try a pair and i bought them i'm like i wore them once on the peloton and then i was like i don't want to do that because i don't want to ruin them if i get them ball sweated out so i do have just compression shorts they're lululemons dealing with like snatch drizzle dude from yoga pants they can handle some ball sweat they're dealing with like heavy yoga i feel like my compression shorts get fucking

ruined dude imagine being a girl in yoga. Some guys like, not like this. And they're just like, oh my god. Girls are probably like so horny during yoga. Or just my mom at Zumba. I mean, dude, unbelievably. Just dancing to Carole King. Dude, women in exercise classes are just absolutely horny.

It's as horny as they get. For sure. Trust me, dude. Yeah. They see me come in in the cut sleeve, snake tat. Sure, Liz? Sometimes. Sure, Liz, back when you were a little chubby? Oh, yeah, for sure.

You're fit now. Chubby with a little bit of fucking pimples on my belly. Snake tat, dude. Snake tat. I think I was making the class a bit uncomfortable. They must have honestly been like, who the fuck is this guy? 100%. And you had like a mullet a lot of the time?

Yeah, I did. I had a bit of a mullet. I was a little bit chunky and I had the snake tag. And I'd wear cut-off sweatpants. Where's that, Matt? Give me mullet, Shelby, Matt. I'm going through something of a psychic puberty right now. I hate that you're improving.

Can't help it. Dude, a mullet wouldn't stop me at all. You could still rock a mullet. Dude, this is the thing, too. I've thought about growing my hair long again. It's just it's too much fucking maintenance. I'd rather cut it high and tight. Dude, it's like every day your hair is all fucking knotted up and tangled.

I can go with like three days without showering. Nobody knows. I know. You have long hair. It's instantly apparent that you haven't showered for three days. Yeah, it gets greasy. Dude, it gets stringy. I like it.

You start looking like Trent Reznor. I like your greasy wallet, dude. You like my greasy wallet. Oh, I like it. Getting me going again. Sorry, I rode the Peloton today. I'm rock hard. Drew, you're fucking hard.

Your blood is completely. I cannot wait. Your blood's back to your genitals. First chance I get alone, I'm going straight at my dick as hard as I can. All right. Yeah, dude. What the heck's important no it's important we cover that because you know that is something i i do want to start that rv tournament it's like find your bird find your own throw your bird into a sea of other birds can you find it you might not you might not encounter your bird for like a year especially every day pops up you know how you You know how I would definitely never recognize it

if it was a dick pic that I've sent to someone? Yeah. Where it's like great angle, huge donger. Yeah. If you sent, I would have never, if I saw my dick pic, I'd be like, that can't be my dick. Damn, dude.

You know what I mean? Imagine that though, the one day you go, no, the app's actually like, you have found your penis. And you're like, that's mine? That's mine? That's what it looks like. That's my fat hog.

I think that would be a good app. Every day to see a stranger's penis you have found your penis. And you're like, that's mine? That's mine? That's what it looks like? This is my fat hog? I think that would be a good app. Every day to see a stranger's penis before you start your day. Just to know where you rank, dude. It takes all the mystery out of everything. Yeah, but. Or, dude, an app where you snap your bird and it just goes right through the database and it's like, here's where you sit in the bird room. Here's where you rank.

Let's cut all the fucking mustard. Here's where you lie. Well, here's where I'm going to punch a hole in this. The guys that are going to stay in that have dongers. True. The guys that put it in once and it's like, you're ranked 848,000. Not bad out of 7 billion. Delete the app and be like, I'm never telling anyone about this app.

No, you know. Then you know. Then you say, all right, that's not my strength. I've been in enough locker rooms. know where i stand dude yeah i don't need no damn i don't need silicon valley get involved i don't need big tech i mean dude there are people who have bird delusion and hold it down like they have hogs and they'll just be like dude i mean we i so we used to live nice with? We used to live with a kid. I mean, in high school, I just assumed I had a huge dick.

I was like, definitely have a huge dick. What, are you kidding me? I definitely have a huge dick. Yeah. I remember the first dagger of reality, dude, my girlfriend at the time being like, yeah, the guy's dick I used to be with, it was like that big, and I was like, what? Like, yeah. That's cool.

And I remember just absolute crab swirl dude she this this lady used to twirl she would hit me with like soda can she'd be like yeah this one guy it was like wasn't that big it was like a fucking soda can staring so it can down literally dude yo i'm telling you yeah right that's what she claimed yeah i got tortured by a high school girlfriend was this app for me and ranked me. She was like, look, here's where you stand. She was like, you're 48,000. Dude, I used to like leg up, fuck. Just like it was like I had the biggest dick in the world.

I was like, yeah, yeah. I feel like I used to do that too. Dude, it was crazy. I've been humbled. Sexually, I'm much more humble. Oh, dude, I've definitely adopted somewhat of a parallel value system. Before it was just like huge dick, awesome, that crumbles. You're like, I kind of like playing guitar a little.

All right. That's something I – yeah, that's a good thing to talk about though, man. What? Get rid of any bird delusion you may have? Yeah, it's just a whole different life. Or act as if you're on the bottom of the bird pyramid. Always. Yeah.

My friend used to do that. I think it's a good tactic. He would always tell – like the whole time he was courting them he'd be like i got the fuck he would call it as a two inch power bone he's like i got he would just constantly trash his dick and he would pull it out and they'd be like it's not bad i don't mind that not a bad move i don't mind that one bit not a bad move just start stealing micro penis fat but no i have micro penis like just have an average penis because micro some guy gets you at line and in line at Annie Ann's like oh yeah

let me see your penis um so you go to your birthday go to my birthday it was a shared birthday families there yeah whole fam just fam just fam it's not friends no friends just just better not be friends

I do I would never I was I was up by myself home. You were. Sick to my damn stomach that I wasn't at this birthday party. We did a joint one. It was a joint celebration of mine and my father's. You and your father's lives. We're linked.

Astrologically, we're close. I think he's not an Aquarius like me. He's like a late Sag maybe or Cap. I forget what it is. I don't know. He's like early January. I think he's a Cap maybe. But anyway, I don't know.

Lemaire, what's my dad's astrological sign? Lemaire, you're black. What's after Sag? I'm a Sag. Lemaire, what's my horoscope? I'm a Sag. Aquarius. Aquarius is after Sag?

Well, today's Aquarius. What's his birthday? 16th. I think he's a Sag. Aquarius. Aquarius is after Sag? Oh, well, today's Aquarius. What's his birthday? 16th. I think he's a Cap. Yeah. I think I've definitely, I think I've, yeah. Yeah. Dude, get that camera on the dopers a little bit.

Show the dopers. This is what we're looking at, dude. Look at this. This crew. How's your hog, Noah? We've never discussed your penis. Let's take bets, actually, before we even get into it. I think I know Noah well enough that he's going to be humble.

But I got a feeling he's got a short, fat hog. Really? Not a complete chode, but I feel like it's thick. You're talking about like a... I think a flaccid thick. An upgraded average bird, basically. I think Noah has a flaccid thick dong. Spade's got the wedge.

Spade's got the fucking... He's got... It's... I've heard. I've heard from people who have experienced it. It's the fucking parking cone. Yeah, it gets in you. Spreads you out. It's the wedge, cone. Yeah, it gets in you. Spreads you out a little.

It's the ledge, dude. Yeah, so Noah, what's a – and be honest. If you have a micro penis, just say it. It's no big deal. Yeah, it's not a big deal. Lengthwise, we're talking about – on a great day, we're talking about seven and a quarter. Ew, I knew you were going to be disgusting. Noah, dude, I knew you were going to be fucking gross.

What kind of width are we talking about? Don't feel pressured to answer this, but it would be nice. Pretty thick. Dude, good call. Yeah. Good call. Pretty thick for sure. You can look at him and tell that guy's got a thick dick.

He's real easygoing, quiet, huge dog. He's got nothing to prove. A little more. I think we cracked the code on this. He doesn't have a black penis. Don't you have a black penis, which is still a good dong. Black penis all day, dude. Yeah, but penis for black.

Yeah. Yeah. It's still a good dong. You should be proud of it. Hell yeah. Yeah, I don't think black guys ever have small penises. They have more curve. I think it's it. Hell yeah. Yeah, I don't think black guys ever have small penises. They have more curve. I think it's always...

Very interesting. From my amateur cream pie footage that I've seen, whenever I see it, it's always just very hard slice, dude. They're in the rough, dude. I'm Lashmi Singh. This is NPR. The CDC has released a recent study that black guys don't have tinnises. They just curve.

I don't know why. Lashmi Singh has been on my mind all day. Lashmi Singh? I'm Lashmi Singh. NPR. Donald Trump still doesn't get it. It's like, oh, my God. All right.

Yeah, dude, that shit's fucking great. I've been taking in some news and it's like especially when you read the debt book we are absolutely being like without a shadow of a doubt it's just pure propaganda yo i got one for you what you ever read the turner diaries what's that don't read i'm kidding what's the turner it fired up a lot of uh domestic terrorists don't read it i was just joshing just joshing. You were just joshing on it? I was just joshing on you. Shane, right now, as a nation, this is like the snippet I got from The Atlantic.

We should be looking to heal. We should be looking to heal, but we have to have riot sympathizers answer for what they did. And I'm strictly talking about people who stormed the Capitol. Yes. Nothing else happened in the summer. Strictly talking about it. It's just not even mentioned. They call the people who stormed the Capitol. Yes. Nothing else happened in the summer. Strictly talking about, it's just not even mentioned.

They call the people who stormed the Capitol riot sympathizers. And while Biden wants to unify America, because right now it's just abysmal in terms of how we're relating to each other, we shouldn't right now. They're basically saying like, we need it.

The Atlantic is someone at least and there's calling for a show of force and then we can worry about trying to unite people. Dude, it's fucking crazy. Yeah. Yeah, I didn't even think about that. Somebody said it. I listened to my Spotify daily drive, Matt.

First off, wake up at 6. Yeah, you got up early. I couldn't sleep. I don't know what happened. Oh, it was because I slept for 30 hours on Sunday. Did you really? Oh, I was so partied, bro. Oh, you fucking partied, bro. I was so goddamn cool on Saturday. Dude, you really? Oh, I was so god damn cool on Saturday.

Dude, I saw the footage. I was in the fucking wigger mansion. I was just surrounded by tight influencers. Of course I got in, dude. I have fun. Yeah, Brittany showed me the footage. I was just sitting there cooking. She was like, Shane was at a party.

I had a couple. I had so many, dude. I don't know what happened. That seemed fun. It was very fun Shane was at a party. I had a couple. I had so many, dude. I don't know what happened. That seemed fun. It was very fun. It was very fun. All those guys were cool. Yeah.

But Sunday I was – So you weren't in the tomb. I was most in the tomb I've ever – for real, I've said that every time I've come on here. That was like – Compared to New Year's years ago when we both had a wicked hangover, how bad was it? I don't even remember that.

Really? This was... I was drunk until like 4 p.m. Damn, dude. I was drunk the next day forever. Oh. It just wasn't going... And then O'Connor abandoned me while I was in my tomb.

What? Yeah, we were watching football and I just kept falling asleep. And then he just got up and went back to Connecticut. I woke up and he was gone. I was like, Chris? Chris? And then I texted him. He didn't answer.

I was like, what an asshole. He got a Connecticut hangover? Yeah, the turd had to go home. He had to go sleep on his parents' couch. I get it. I get it. He lives close. I would, too.

Fuck, man. So, yeah, dude, I slept all day. Went to bed. I must have went to bed at, like, too. Fuck, man. So, yeah, dude, I slept all day. Went to bed. I must have went to bed at like 10. I woke up at like noon the next day. Dude, it was crazy. Fuck, man. It was bad.

It was bad. It was, you know, I'm back on the wagon again. You're back on the wagon? I'm back on the wagon. Back on the time. Until San Antonio this Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. That's going to be party time? Yes.

I mean, San Antonio. True. Obviously. 100%. You're going to be party time? Yes. I mean, San Antonio. True. Obviously. 100%. Is that close to Mexico? Yeah. Pretty close? Yeah.

I think the river, yeah. It's not like El Paso, is it? Well, that's where the Alamo is. So, yes. You going to visit? San Antonio should be on the river walk. What's going on here? Stoners, help.

I don't know where one city in Texas is. Really? San Antonio, I thought. It don't know where one city in Texas is. Really? San Antonio, I thought. It's very much like the middle of the state. What is it? Okay, so it's not on the border of Mexico? No, it's close on the west side of the state. Yeah, I know El Paso is on the border.

I know Houston is closer to Louisiana. Really? That's kind of really all I know Yeah I don't know shit I know El Paso is Just because I walked to Mexico From El Paso Sick

Didn't know about Juarez at the time What were you doing down there? I talked about this before I was down there for An internship in college They sent me down to You walked Juarez Yeah

They sent me down The one dude In what year? This was like my sophomore year So it was So was just like 2009, 2008. Oh, no, it'd been like 2007, 2008. Bad time to be. I mean, what is is never great, but that was a rough time.

Dude, I didn't know. I was down there with this guy. This guy. I had two bosses and then I would always convince both of them that I was super. They were both remote. So I'll tell the one. You're down there for like El Chapo's war. Yeah, I walked in there.

I didn't know. I didn't i walked in there i didn't know i didn't know about it i didn't know about that i was sitting there and i came down the guy flew he was like look man i need my intern down here so he goes we talked we were like we're gonna have the party because i like knew one of his cousins yeah so i was like i need my intern so he brought me down there i need my bro immediately tasked me with finding weed for him so i had to go and find i like asked around his bar found him a your bloodhound. Found him a half ounce of Middy's. Yeah. He was like, I'm like, I'll get you some weed immediately. Yeah. Found him some Middy's.

And then we like – I just went to meetings with this guy and watched him try to like take advantage of fucking old people and like buy it for like a week or so. Yeah. And then he was like, all right, dude, just chill here. Like take the day off and relax. And then he's like – I was like, I don't know what to do. He's like, just go check out Mexico. And I was like, all right.

So yeah, I walked into Juarez, dude, and it was scary, dude like i was like i don't know what to do he's like just go check out mexico and i was like all right see i walked into juarez dude and it was scary dude yeah it was like i remember being like dude i didn't think mexico was this fucked up and then some i thought about i talked about this before some guy came and was like get get over there took me to the plaza dude and i just bought like some bullshit and went home fuck that was terrifying but like a scarface t-shirt i think i literally think i bought a sombrero i like didn't make it right home i think i bought a sombrero all right let's go i like your travel purchases pretty tight i think i bought some chiclets too from the poor little kids there's a little that's the thing going to mexico little chiclets dude they sell them they have the pharmacies too you can go in there and buy that's what people do they just buy pills you can walk

into me i don't know if it's like that now but you could walk into Mexico, buy like as much pills as you want, and just walk right back. Now I think they hankered down – they bunkered down on it. But, yeah, that used to be the setup. That's sick. Yeah. But that's not what we came here to talk about. Dude, here's what we came here to talk about, dude.

Big bash, dude. 35, joint birthday celebration. My pa, me, just being honored by the family. Ate some prime rib um you know some taters i ate i didn't eat that much i had a couple little you know cashew butter cookies my mommy made a little bit of cake i actually made icing it's pretty delicious um but yeah so i i didn't get that full dude i wake up at one in the morning and i just go like oh it wasn't food poisoning feels like there's like have you

ever had food poisoning before you know it feels like your stomach gets crampy this wasn't crampy it was just like oh my god my stomach feels like it's about to explode it felt horrible and i woke up and just was like i'm gonna do like one minute burps and then i just like leaned over the toilet for like 30 minutes dude naked uh yeah i was naked obviously i sleep naked so i'm leaning over the floor the viewer to know that you were naked throwing up 100 after your birthday party 100 naked one o'clock in the morning dude just sitting there all quiet you know i was just sitting there alone i didn't want to wake up britney so i'm like all quiet in the bathroom is fucking like sitting there i'd burp into the toilet smell my burp and go ew

and i'm just hovering. I'm like, please make me throw up. So finally, I feel like I'm about to throw up, and I just drive. Dude, my body refuses to throw up. Like, my body fights me. Like, I have to throw up. My body will fight it. It's the craziest fucking thing.

So I'm sitting there like, meh. Then Brittany comes in. She's like, what are you doing? I'm like, dude, I'm fucked up. I don't know what the fuck I ate. I feel so fucked up. So then this is a great time, especially for a bae. Like, dude, they are so good at throwing up.

She was like, here's exactly what. She walked me through it. And, dude, I like fucking. Yeah, they're dogs. They throw up. They're like, I had chocolate. Diarrhea. Yeah, throwing up doesn't faze them at all, dude.

They have little kid belly. They do, dude. They just little kid belly. They do, dude. They just puke just sitting in class. Kids just puke. Just be talking in the middle of like fourth grade. Just like, holy shit, what was that? You just get to go home. Puke on the carpet.

Some poor guy. The poorest guy in town comes in and throws wood chips on some some guy whose level of poor you didn't know existed in your town the dude in my grade school so the janitor the janitor's son went to our grade school and he lived right on our street so we used to me my cousin and the kid who was talked about he used to steal from goodwill yeah hold on i want to hear i want to hear he so he we used to like go and we would go to wawa to like steal black and miles and then every single time we would let's take turns and every single time like yo it's your turn to make the kid i hated if it was my turn dude i i mean i i would like i think i stole the black i

would i was more of a candy thief. I would go in there and I could hit the candy aisle. Crazy, dude. Yeah. Just all lined in my N1 waistband. But the tobacco thing had that display

where there used to be just floor level and you could just grab them right next to the thing. So we used to be like, yeah, I think it's your turn. He would steal just like packs of black and bottles.

We were just fucking cheap Phillies blunts too. It was sick, dude. That's awesome. Awesome. But we went to goodwill we we cultivated a thief dude then we're like all right let's go like just fuck around see what goodwill has and like walk around in there dude went for broke and stole a pair of eddie bauer cargo shorts the the janitor janitor's son stole a pair of bowers dude couldn't he couldn't resist him we didn't even know he didn't even tell us Ocean's Eleven

it was a heist dude the lady came out someone came to her and was like we're gonna break into the homeless store and buy and steal some gym shorts

dude he went in I mean it was I was thieves it was honor code dude we would go in there maybe buy like weird t-shirts or like just buy like did you guys like talk cool

like they do in Ocean's Eleven 100% there's the demo swab there's the demo guy some guys like yeah no we were just we just have this kid steal stuff and we would all smoke cigarettes that was always the plan we were just like steal a pack of cigarettes or some black and milds and smoke them but yeah he got ahead of himself and we're like sitting outside of goodwill just eating all of our stolen candy like i was gonna be tight we smoked these cigarettes and the lady came out was like you and this dude just fucking booked and we're like janet's son took off yeah she's like he stole we're like no he didn't like he stole a pair of cargo shorts and then we saw him rocking them the next week he's like dude these are too

nice dude i couldn't give them up fuck yeah they were like they had to be four dollars at the most yeah at the absolute most dude dude. So fuck her. If you work for Salvation Army and someone steals, you got to be like, definitely take it. We got that for free. You would think they had like a no chase. A lot of stores have no chase policies. That was Ajax was the one who told me about that. He was working at Sports Authority.

And he told me, he was like, I'm not allowed to chase. He's like, once I leave the store, I have to stop. He has to fully freeze. You can't chase someone outside the store. And I don't want to

besmirch that man, but he does suffer from, he would follow the rule to the T. He was a renegade as a bouncer, dude. Oh, would he like assault people?

He got talked to a couple times. Well, he would just physically pick people up and pull you out of the bar. People would be like, put me down. He would just, like, assault people? He got talked to a couple times. Well, he would just physically pick people up and pull you out of the bar. People would be like, put me down. He would just be like, nope, and pull you and just pick you up and just physically remove you. It was, dude, too funny. They had to tell him, like, dude, you got to fucking. He was too hot, dude.

Yeah, there's nothing worse than that. Ajax, get in my office. He was like a rookie cop, dude. Yeah. Get in my office. Hand me your badge. Put your black T-shirt down. It says staff.

I worked as a bouncer in college. Did you really? I did. I let every, I didn't card one person. You were laissez-faire? I was very like, yes. Somebody would hand me like, not even their, like their fucking Westchester ID. I'd be like, come on, man.

Do better than this. But the guy I worked with just started doing jiu-jitsu, and he was early at it. They should screen for that, dude. That was like 2010 jiu-jitsu. Yeah. So he was especially nuts. And nobody knew how to do it.

He did get in trouble. He fucked a dude up one night. Did he really? Yeah, he took him out back and beat his ass. What? Yeah, he was doing moves. Yeah, you can't do those. He did moves to

like a drunk college kid that was like just loud oh yeah i mean that's also the perfect job the guy when i was doing jujitsu he like saved the funds for his jujitsu studio by bouncing so he was just like full-on like boxing and training and he would just fuck people up like constantly and then like he finally got enough money from fucking up drunk people to open up his own studio i think it's a fair i think it's a fair deal we should we should let bouncers go a little we should give them like a little more respect definitely lethal force we should give them lethal force for sure i think so i think if somebody if you drink too much the bouncer it should be allowed can

it's like international water kind of stuff. He can kill you. He's not going to, obviously, and we're going to try to not have that happen. But in a scuffle, if you die, it's just going to be... The bar owner gets to look into it and be like, no, you just buy the book. Those are pretty rough. Those suck. What?

You ever see those videos of people getting killed by bouncers? No, dude. I never saw those. I didn't think I know what you're thinking. It's like a drunk kid. Yeah, it happens a lot. What? Bouncers will push a drunk kid. They didn't think it was a thing. It's like a drunk kid. Yeah, it happens a lot. What? Bouncers will push a drunk kid.

They'll fall and crack their fucking head. It's crazy. Can they sue? Yeah. Yeah, and I think the bouncers go to jail. Really? Yeah. Anyway.

Damn, dude. That's just the next level. I'm half talking out of my ass on this. I'm not sure. I mean, they probably do. I don't know the laws. True. But also, think about that in terms of like

the bouncer archetype there's no better guy to get locked up for doing the right thing than to be fucking big in jail you get to continue like pushing people you get to be Nicolas Cage in Con Air you get to be like I'm in here cause I got in a fight outside of a bar and things went too far

I'm not like you some drunk kid called me a fag and I slammed his head in the wall. I crushed a guy's head off of a booth in a bar. His head exploded in the bar. I kind of ruined the vibe. But I don't want to talk about that. Dude, that's fucking, that's sick. We got to reach out to Bouncer.

If you're a Bouncer and you're in jail right now, please reach out to us. You obviously listen to this. This is the number one locked up bouncer podcast it's just him he's he's just like set up with a guy who like was just over the limit and ran some lady over and he's like i shouldn't be in here either a montage of the hits that bouncers killed people just dude just dude full speed checking somebody into the booth just killing a guy bouncers they always have like hog wrangling body too a good bouncer you don't want like a ripped you want that that's what i was dude i was a complete i do have the body of a hog wrangler

talk if i tuck in a t-shirt into jeans i look exactly like every hog wrangler i look like every guy who does like county fair pig noise competitions. I think Butterly calls it cow strength. You have cow strength. One night, one night, I was standing at the foot of the steps at Ryan's

in Westchester, which is where I bounced. Damn. Do you go to Ryan's? I'd be kicked out of there. That's probably one of me and my band of brothers, dude. I think I'd be kicked out of almost every bar in Westchester at one point. This kid came flying down the stairs.

There's upstairs. And I was standing at the foot of the steps. This dude left his feet probably at the top of the steps and just dove. He was parallel. And there was a wall at the top of the steps and just dove he was parallel and there was a wall at the bottom of the steps because it was like the side of the bar

downstairs head first just while I was standing it was like a Wednesday night although that was wing night that did rule true Ryan's has the best wings

I love Ryan's wings I might go to Westchester tonight you should just go sit there and be like, what are you doing? Just reliving the glory. Nice to work here. Back in 11, we would have shut that shit down.

None of that bullshit would be flying here. Who are you, mister? Who are you, mister? Nothing, don't. Yeah, the 50-year-old bartender's like, who are you, mister? Hey, mister. But yeah, dude, this kid, I've never seen anything like it. He like, he was, ambulance came in.

This kid like died. He was like, fuck. It was crazy. And it was next to me and I was just standing there. And the rest of the bar was pretty empty. All of a sudden this dude flew down this tent and like, it was so loud. And I was just like, holy shit, that guy just died. But I didn't care. The rest of the bar was pretty empty. All of a sudden, this dude flew down the steps. It was so loud. I was just like, holy shit, that guy just died.

But I didn't care. It was weird. There was no part of me that was worried. I was literally just looking at a guy that just died. And I was like, somebody should... We got called. That's all I did. You should have fucking held him down. I should have put my knee in his back.

Be like, stop resisting. That type of behavior is unacceptable. You can't die in here. Yeah, it is funny that, like, for some reason, bars get to hire their own, like, weird low-wage private security. It just gives you a glimpse into, like, the world of alcohol and the effects of it. You don't need bouncers anywhere else in drinking establishments.

Of course. You need to hire a dude who can kick somebody's ass. It's like someone who would be believable to look at them and they could kick everyone's ass in the establishment. In order to have a bar, you also need a strong dude. Yeah, you just need big guys. Because that's the only thing, if you're hammered, that's the only thing you're going to respond to.

Well, the scrappy dudes get fired up. You get the scrappy dudes. Well, those are the dangerous ones. That's what I'm saying. The tiny bouncers? You got to watch out for them. No I'm saying I used to have a roommate in college

who was a bit of a scrappy dude dude. He was like a you know a shorter stockier dude. He would get drunk and his fucking like elbow and I'd be like what the fuck are you doing? He would just be like

he's fucking mad. I'm like dude you're in fucking scrappy dude mode. That's how Nate gets. Really? Nate Marshall? He's scrappy dudes? Nate Marshall's a big time scrado mode. That's how Nate gets. Really? Nate Marshall? He scrappy-dos? Nate Marshall is a big-time scrappy-do.

That's so funny. He's a complete scrappy-do. Like, he's a little tiny. Not tiny, but he's nice and he's sweet all day. He's very funny. And then I'll get a couple drinks in him. He's like, these fuckers are looking at me wrong. And I'm like, dude, what are you doing?

Dude, I'm telling you. I had a college roommate, wrestler. He was a wrestler. He would get in there, dude. That's why. Five rum and Cokes, and all of a sudden he was wearing the sp. He was a wrestler. He would get in there, dude, and he'd... That's why. Five rum and Cokes, and all of a sudden, he was wearing the spandex again, dude. He'd be in there like...

He's getting on all fours in front of people. Like, you go. You go first. Assume the mount or whatever. Yeah, dude. Huh? Shamer's kind of a scrappy dude. Is he a scrappy dude?

Yeah, I think so. Yeah, but I don't know. He doesn't seem to... He never gets actually scrappy with anybody. He's more of a forlorn scrappy dude? Yeah, I think so. Yeah, but I don't know. He doesn't seem to – he never gets actually scrappy with anybody. He's more of a forlorn scrappy dude. Yeah, he is. You can get him fired up, but he never fights any of us. Well, luckily he drinks enough to kind of neutralize himself.

He drinks so much he can do nothing, dude. Like he goes from scrappy dude to laying on the the floor it's quick enough dude he does last time we went over to finnell's and played poker oh so far you would love this yeah this was right up your alley i kept trying to get shayner because shayner was blacked out yeah i kept being like yo shayner you're gonna let o'connor talk to you like that i'm trying to get shayner to fight o'connor and o'connor would like, don't you see what he's doing? I'd be like, don't let him talk to you like that, dude. You can see what I'm doing.

You know, like, you don't have to have him. Shader would just stand there and be like. You don't fucking know what you're saying to me. We'd have to, like to kind of push him away. Just getting him to fight O'Connor is the best. Oh, fuck. Just O'Connor be like, he's doing this to both of us.

Oh, man. It's also funny when someone in a blacked out state, you somehow being able to get right into their brain. No, this is what's going on he's like shane's right fuck o'connor you might be parcel tongue dude for sure how harry harry potter can talk slytherin i've been into the world i've been into the upside down i know i know how to speak that length i was there i was there saturday dude i knocked over i have a i had a clock above my door in my room above my doorframe yeah it was knocked over i'd somehow knocked it off the wall you kept it hooked dude i have no idea

do you have no idea how the clock fell down? Oh, my God. This bruise. This is terrible. It's so embarrassing. It's so embarrassing. Blacking out. Dude, I'm 33. Blacked out. You knew that? Blacked out.

Yeah. That's terrible. Yeah, dude. It's not ideal. Anyway, I got this wicked bruise on my wrist. Somebody accost you? This must have been during the clock incident. I'm not sure what happened.

You hit it where your hook would be. That's where your hook would be. It's so fucking... I'm waking up like... What the fuck? Also, getting a bruised wrist is the gayest possible spot you can bruise yourself. Or somebody gripped your wrist really hard. True.

Schultz might have accosted me. Man. Dude, I laughed. I was with Blizz in the car, and he was like yeah i listened i listened to your podcast last week and the part about fucking you talking about the way dorian looked at you before going to bed i fucking i forgot all about that he he specifically said he was in his room like laughing out loud and i was like driving a car i almost had to stop i started laughing i haven't heard from dorian i thought he would have reached out after that i mean like yo chill just him playing super nintendo being like huh

i'm not gonna dude yeah yeah but dude that yeah man i'm telling you man i i'm uh i've gone through something something of a psychic puberty dude i'm like i'm telling you man i i'm uh i've gone through something something of a psychic puberty dude i'm like i go down in the morning i have like a set i'm like i used to talk about being a systems man i'm actually i can say it doing it right i was stealing not stealing systems valor i just was like i couldn't really keep it up i had a feeling you were stealing a little systems but i'm not gonna call you out on stealing systems my heart was in the right place i know it was it was like i wanted to get in the military but i flat feet of course that kind of setup which by the way if that's the case you'd fully be able to wear like dude i tried to get in they didn't you know yeah i was too much

of a threat but yeah dude i'm like i'm on i swear to god it's the funniest fucking thing if you because i used to do all kinds of wild shit of like trying to kind of like stabilize my mood if you get on a basic routine and nobody wants to hear it because it's not like the sexiest thing it's not like oh dude i did like you know i drank a gallon of ayahuasca and ascend it it's just like no yeah i literally just made myself a schedule and i'm like oh okay yeah all your anxiety goes away because you're not like what am i supposed to do dude i that's like one of the biggest this year of like sticking to a routine has been i think my godsend through all yeah it's awesome it's been fantastic i have not but but you're having a good time good that's the other

thing too it's always everything's different for everybody else there's no need to kind of like no i wasn't i didn't take it personally what i'm i it was weird though because saturday i had sunday i didn't have anxiety like i just had fun at this party that looked fun like it wasn't like i woke up like oh i wish that i fun like it wasn't like i woke up like oh i wish that i was like no that was great that was so fun you could be onto something too just chugging beers with my buddies if you're drinking not instead of trying to quit drinking just try to have the maximum amount of fun when you're drinking you have no idea how bad of an idea that is no dude you have to just make that a night to remember every night has to be a night every night

i'd live for the nights I won't remember. 100% dude. The people that I won't forget. No, that genuinely looked awesome. I felt bad for McGregor, dude. I was really pulling for him. Oh, I know. It's sad.

He got fucking crushed. It's sad. It's starting to be like, you know, before he was on that, like, he could have a sick comeback thing, and now it's like. I know. The problem is, is it isfc so you can get knocked out yeah like anybody for the most part can knock out anybody other than khabib for the most part yeah what's he up to he says he's retired but really yeah mcgregor was trying to pull him in but now

he's now mcgregor's out i mean i don't know he'll have to fight yeah he'll just fight i think i've been watching his Instagrams. Just could be playing soccer. I think he wants to play soccer. That's nice. I don't know. I don't like it. Him playing soccer. I don't like when guys retire and do something they want to do.

Really? I was watching that Tiger Woods. You want him in the fucking wrestle. What's Tiger? What's Tiger up to? Did you watch the Tiger Woods doc at all? No. Bro.

What's he up to? Bruh. I have never felt, I know, I've told you this before one of my biggest regrets was being a chick about tiger woods yeah disgusted now i came around like that year when you were pissed there's one south park episode i was like oh yeah i'm being gay as fuck about this but i the tiger woods doc on espn is it's fucking awesome and it shows like his dad I mean Tiger

started golfing he was like one yeah he was like on Carson golfing he was on like the tonight show really yeah it's crazy but his whole life he was gonna be the best ever his dad like forced him to be that and then obviously he became the best ever and then it turns out he fucked a lot of chicks while he was a billionaire, best athlete in the world. Yeah. And the journalists, I'm becoming the guy who hates journalists. Not that I have any underlying reasons. But. Yeah.

But. I remember when I was younger and I watched Green Street Hooligans. You remember that? They're like, you're not a fucking journo, are you? I was like, what the fuck is their problem against journalists? Now I'm fully like, yeah, journalists suck. These guys from the National Enquirer followed him. He was fucking this waitress, a Perkins waitress.

Oh, come on now. He was fucking everybody. Hold on a second. That's just something to be said for that guy's fucking libido, dude. Perkins wages. I mean, who doesn't go into fucking... Also, he was going to Vegas a lot with Charles Barkley and Michael Jordan. The three of them would go out in Vegas.

Yeah, dude. And they would... What do you think those guys were doing? I mean, dude. Just hanging out with the fellas? Yeah. I mean, I can't imagine... It's got to be something of like a you

know the game paperboy for nintendo it's got to be something of like a paperboy route for those guys to like not get pussy yeah it must it must just be like you must be falling into it yeah it's got to be honestly annoying to the point where it's like dude like enough anyway this is the craziest part so he's been fucking this chick people from the the National Enquirer, I think it was what it was, followed him in their car. They went and fucked in their car behind a building. That's low. She took her tampon out and threw it on the street. One of the journalists went and picked it up for proof.

It's pretty tight, actually. What a disgusting weasel. And then they brought it to Tiger's team's attention. What happened? They took the tampon. They were like, we have the fucking tampon dude we know you fucked the perkins waitress he fucked a purchase a perkins waitress who was on her period he rules that's tight no i'm telling you nice to know yeah that even tiger would fuck

a perkins wait you think he fucked someone who worked at baskin robbins 31 too almost definitely do you think if you went to the kfc Bell combination, he was like, I need one of each employee? I'm sure that's where you're starting to get to the line. KFC Taco Bell Pizza Hut, he was like, I'm going to have a foursome dude with a representative from each franchise. That's fucking – so he fucked a Perkins waitress on a period. So they bring the tampon to Tiger's team, and they say, hey, we got you. And then they blackmail him into doing the cover of Men's Fitness,

which is the owner of National Enquirer also owns Men's Fitness or did at the time. So they were just like, all right, well, we won't release it if you just do this for us. So he had to do this thing for them while they blackmailed him so they could make money. Like it was. Yeah, exactly. And then he has a fucking press conference. Yeah. Once he got caught caught eventually he got caught but eventually the hose couldn't keep you know yeah they had to yap it's a house of cards bro you're not gonna and in their defense i'd be pussy bragging too yeah and which is what they were doing they were

pussy but they were dong bragging yeah it's a good dong to brag it's also too kind of a thing where i think on some level he knew what he was doing it's like he wanted to hit the old reset button on his life. I think so. Yeah, for sure. And they kind of alluded to that in the documentary. But he gets in trouble. Then he has to have a press conference for like 80 people just sitting in this room. And everyone's very like, this is so sad.

Yeah. And it's like he's like, I got pussy? I don't know what that noise is. Anyway, what I was trying to get at. He's an adulterer, yeah. He was an adulterer. Who cares? And then, look, it's bad.

That's it. Something nice you're saying. Yeah. But he got into, like, being a Navy SEAL for a little while and, like, doing his own thing. He loved, like, scuba diving and trying to be a navy seal and it was like no dude golf i don't like when they i don't like when they start to retire and want to do other things i support it dude no tiger dude becoming doing navy first of all the guy nobody wants to come as bad as him so that's the only thing if you can't come like

you used to seal training yeah that's fucking sick he was going like in their like training facilities like door-to to door, breaking in. Fuck, dude. The fucking rules, dude. The guy's trying to live it. He's had his life dictated to him his entire life by other people. Yeah. He fucked his way out of it, swag, and then did SEAL training.

Awesome. And then? And then he comes back and he's pretty good at it. Comes back and won the Masters last year. Dude. Yeah, the dude rules, man. Yeah, I hate myself for ever doubting him you couldn't help it you're in a heavy house i'm very catholic and when i hear somebody commit

adultery i hate it man i'll tell you what when i heard about your divorce it made me sick to my dude i'm telling you i think my dad judges me i think does he really not not to my face but he'll be like you know that guy he's on his third wife obviously and I'm like I'm on my fucking second bro chill he's had third D before he's like

you guys have been married three times obviously dude what the fuck man alright whatever guy who's been married three times

what kind of insult is that it's like my dad just like constantly talks to me about how annoying girls are and then he's like this guy's been divorced like three times what the fuck get his point i do i get his point i'm

sorry i shouldn't have brought divorce i was just joking no dude i don't care at all gerbys i don't care at all but it's all right it's all right yeah but yeah no it is fine i've noticed my dad has a tick that's one of his ticks if like if a dude had multiple wives he's just like weirdo yeah he didn't stick it out like the rest of us went through hell yeah they still battle dude of course they still battle imagine it's dude it's so fucking funny watching them watching them go at it it's just like how what what is there to fight bill told me about a fight recently yeah man billy stoked the flames yeah they got my mom fired up i don't do this it's like they'll like both fuck around him and my brother tom will They got my mom fired up. I don't know, dude. It's like they'll both fuck around.

Him and my brother Tom will fuck with my mom, and I'm like, dude. I know. Well, that's a bad thing I do. I fuck with my mom, too. I can't, dude. No. I like, yeah. I can't. Well, the way she reacts.

Yeah. I can't not. And I do need to definitely stop. Billy got a spaz out of my mom, apparently. Yeah, when you get a spaz, it's terrible. It feels horrible. Got an F word out of her, dude. Really?

She doesn't really curse like that. I guess I did stop messing with her, but I will, whenever I'm home and I see her doing wild shit, I'm kind of the only one that'll be like, what are you doing? What's she up to? Just kind of nagging people, you know, enough that it's like, leave him alone. Yeah, yeah, that's true. Like, she'll come in and be like, what are you doing? Like, my dad. And I it's like, leave him alone. She'll come in and be like, what are you doing? Like my dad.

And I'll be like, you know what he's doing. He's doing the same thing he's done for 60 fucking years. It didn't change today. Yeah, man. That's fucking nuts. Yeah. I'm sorry. No, don't be sorry at all.

So you and your mommy and daddy are fighting as well. You and me. I feel sick about it when my mommy and daddy fight. I never see it. I've never – yeah. Apparently he fights. They have more kind of issues around like my – it's a family business. My mom will be like, here's what we should do.

My dad will just – literally the face he makes, he goes. That's it every time, dude. Yeah. He just drops his neck and he's like, Mayor, just let me... And then he'll just be like... He does this. It's so fucking funny. Well, yeah, that's all you can do.

You can only appeal to heaven. Yeah, literally, yeah. You can only just be like, God, take this burden away from me. I can't hit her, God. I remember when we were teenagers, we were all in a conversion van. He was like, your mom's a fucking psycho.

It was me and all my brothers. He's like, she just fucking reinvents history. And then we'll be sitting there. He's like, I never changed a diaper in my life. I had six kids. And it's like, all right, well, fuck it. Yeah, I could do it. I could turn a nice wife into a bit of a fucking psycho.

Such a nag on you a little. Oh, I would kill somebody if they didn't help with that for sure my mom's big family is everything I would never help what do you mean so I'm criticizing

I would say from your mom's perspective I agree with her from your dad's 100% that's what I will do what just never help almost never help I can tell you that that's headed down

the pipeline for me yeah it's no I'll do it it's one way to do it, man. Just to be like, nah, I don't do that kind of stuff. In terms of like... True, kind of like Wooden South Bend.

Just like, no, I made a deal with myself. I wasn't going to do anything. All right, where are we at? Where are we at? Oh, we got plenty of time right now. We're on a hard out for you. I have a hard out. I have to do an interview with ESPN San Antonio. they want to talk about my illustrious football career no i don't

want to talk about that they i'm just doing a show san antonio texas this weekend please come spud was telling me that espn is just all social justice now holy shit it's just it's just that's all it is you've if you haven't seen lately, it's like, it's crazy. I watched it this morning. I watched it, and they were like, I guess in the Super Bowl, there's going to be a female ref. And they were, just like the hosts talking back and forth were like, yeah, and the NBA has hired six women this year as officials.

And they're like, the NBA is always the most progressive. That's great. Anyway, back to, like, they literally were like, is always the most progressive. That's great. Anyway, back to, like, they literally were like, they're the most progressive. That's great. What are they going to do for, like, are they going to just keep them at either end of the court? Because they can't run with the men. So what are they going to do?

Just have them cherry pick? Like, they'll be like, you take this half, you take that. They're going to give them, like, zone. They're going to have a good zone referee. I'm not sure. I'm not sure how they're going to handle this. No, they get some good... No, they'll be fine.

I'll tell you what. Basketball is the one I can definitely... I'm good with that. Yeah. Lesbians love basketball. True. They can... They played it.

And women can play basketball at a relatively... Like, I watched a hockey game the other day with a female announcer. Took me right out of it. Really? I was very annoyed that a woman was... Dude, I know people...

It's like, dude, give us a lesson. I know a girl who played hockey for years. Let us keep hockey. No way, dude. Oh, you want to keep hockey as a... Let us keep hockey.

Let the boys have hockey. As a white, patriarchal stronghold? Yeah. What do you think hockey is? Come on, man. Let the guys have hockey. True.

No woman is sitting down to watch the fucking Leafs versus the Wilds. Some girls like hockey. Girls like hockey players. Hockey players are the cutest. Really? They have the cutest butts. True, dude. You ever watch hockey guys and think about their butts?

No. I always thought they looked kind of more like faces of meth. Hockey guys are usually kind of like rough. When they lose their teeth and shit. Sure. But when they come out of the. Hockey guys are usually kind of like rough. When they lose their teeth and shit, sure. But when they come out of it. Hockey players are very, you ask any good bay, good white bay, she'll tell you, NHL.

Really? Hottest guys. Soccer, too gay. They're the most beautiful. Yeah. NHL, hottest. Wow. I think that's just because they're the most normal looking white guys to them.

The hockey players? Yeah, they're all like fucking like 5 10 white guys he got long hair yeah true you couldn't you couldn't look at manu bowl and be like that's my guy dude see him slithering through the water i like i like him dude i like the fact that he went down there to try to straighten up sudan and they try to capture him they try to capture all seven feet of a new pole it's like dude what kind of fucked up thing is this? Think of him running away. He got away. Yeah.

Like Happy Gilmore's boss. He got out of there. Yeah, dude, the government of Sudan claims that, like, I don't know why everyone's leaving. They're just being babies about this. We didn't attack them. Their government holds it down like liars. Dude, I heard somebody just told me this

because i was talking about hotel rwanda the guy who's the main character and that's like getting arrested by that government now what the other government won really there's something i don't know and i think i think he was supposed to be like a humanitarian like hero in this movie then i think in real life he's being held captive. What? By the Rwandan government. Yeah, dude. The politics right now. Maybe Hollywood didn't tell the whole story. I think Ethiopia's having problems too now. I think they're starving. Really? They're starving.

Ethiopia's been hungry for a while. Yeah, apparently someone's going to starve like a rebel camp. That's what's happening right now. In Ethiopia? In Ethiopia, yeah. That's no good. Apparently back in the 80s when they were starving, when we had that kick-ass concert for them yeah that was apparently a man-made

like food blockade everyone that's according to something I read they were saying it was a they're communist leader nowadays they all are technically oh true

nowadays every food shortage is a man-made somebody was like yeah they don't need that oh yeah I mean they can all be shit Matt's gonna get cookies

and steak and cake for his birthday. Until I throw up. Those people? No, no. Yeah, dude. For sure. Dude, I felt like I get ashamed of myself when I throw up too. So I threw up.

Why? I don't know. It's a weird, it's like a subconscious thing. If you throw up from being sick, that's, I mean, I get, I get thrown up from a hangover. Like, what the fuck am I doing? I usually just feel so relieved if I throw up when I'm hungover. I'm like, oh, thank God that's over. Oh, okay, yeah.

It's not like a thing that I think about. I was just like, the whole rest of the day I was just like, did I just stick my finger down my throat? Just ruined your birthday. Dude, well, I don't care about that, but it was just like, dude, it just fucking sucked just to be over the toilet and be like, it was awful. I just threw up did you yeah when or after the party it was new years really i could have sworn i just threw up after a night of drinking well it's nice if you're

blacked out and throw up and you kind of vaguely remember throwing up i threw up the next day oh and it was like i had just chugged a powerade. Eee. And it came back up cold. A Powerade? It was, like, still cold. Yeah, chugged, like, a cold Powerade. I'm thinking all sports. You chugged a Powerade. Yeah. And then I, yeah.

What flavor, blue? I think it was orange. Oh, nice. It was a nice treat on the way back up. Yeah. Now, before we keep this moving. Yeah. Because this thing's flying.

200%. Lamar. Oh, yeah, dude. Now, you, we discussed before the show a little bit that you have been trying your best not to come yes yes what a disgusting endeavor you're on why why has it become a problem not it's not yeah it's just you would say your masturbating has become a problem it's just been a well no repeat what i said would you say masturbating has become a problem? It's just been a... Well, no, repeat what I said. My masturbation has become a problem?

Ew. How many, what are you talking in terms of time frame? Just messing with you, man. Yeah, what are we talking about? Oh, man. We're friends, dude. 45 minutes to an hour? Whoa, you jerk off for an hour?

You're really trying to find the perfect porn. Yeah. Yeah the camera on you right now yeah it's on it's on no i want them to see the sadness in your eye when you said yeah yeah been there brother yeah so you jerk off for an hour i should do that dude i'm just greedily searching for i'm like this isn't the one daily the one yeah how many times a day it's just no maybe like it's not like it was like it's like a couple times in that in the stretch dude what's going on here what's the stretch oh you're you, you're multi-nutting. Like, I'll come. You'll ejaculate out of your penis. You'll shoot out of your penis. You'll shoot semen out of your penis.

You'll pulse hard. Yeah. Okay. And then, all right, so you'll jerk off for one hour straight. Yeah. And then pulse once. It's like watching a video. LaMare. LaMere LaMere

LaMere a flash of LaMere's autism just just holy shit dude I'm sorry never mind forget about this

I'm sorry you alright? I'm good I'm good alright I'm sorry man no it's okay it's just coming back what is? you're fucking

just like the jacking off was just thinking about it. Treacherous behaviors, dude. You have fucking flashbacks and jerking off? Obviously. Everybody remembers jerking off.

You dig it like this. Yeah. Oh, no. All right. So you can't control your arm. Your arm is the problem. Once that thing gets going, you might have jerked off right here. All right.

But just answer this. You're kind of dancing around this. So you jerk off for one hour, and you finish once per hour. I finish once. Okay, I finish once per hour, once, and then I'll stop. I'll watch something else, and I'll be like, I don't think I saw the video I liked. And then I'll just go back.

Run it back. Go back for another hour. So now you're looking at two hours possibly a day. Like hour and a half, two hours. So to put it in perspective. You jerked off for two hours a day for how long? Because dude, this is the craziest shit I've heard.

I used to do this, dude. I used to do long, fast. I wouldn't do, well, the second one I would try to be like, let me run that back. But I would do more of a quicker one. But there's like a kind of a weird delight and ripping the second one you're like yeah fucking coming again this would be awesome i used to sit there and just dude i would be like i'm gonna jerk off and then take a nap and i would just do 45 minutes to an hour of just like not

that one not that one not that one dude trying to get the searching but are you going at it while you're searching i'm fucking i'm just like kind of fapping quietly and then like if i would start to build myself up to the point where i'm about to bust my nut i would be like slow it down brother really yeah and i'd be like that's saint one saint one because there's nothing worse than when you're fapping and then you just like blankly come to the video oh big time dude yeah but then if you're fapping and you come to an unexciting video and you kind of just blankly come, you're like, it's like, man, it sucks. Man.

Yeah, dude. I mean, you're trying to fill a void, dude. You're trying to fill a deep, deep void. I don't feel that way. You don't have the void. I just. You have something of a pure middle value system, dude. Five minutes.

You got the fucking... You get your eye on the prize. Before bed. You get your eye on the prize, dude. If you don't have your eye on the prize, you start to fucking... You start to just be like... Just while I'm reading about Pele Liu, I'm like, well, these guys had it pretty bad. So, you're ripping

you're jerking off two hours a day how many how long have you been doing this a while how long would you say maybe like most of your adult life

yeah not most like okay because sometimes I have to stop again it's off and on it's off and on it's off and on

I'm sorry I'm not trying to make you look better feel better i'm just yeah i guess well just to put it this is the perspective i'd like to put it in lamar and you know when you think about this when while you're jerking off in an hour and a half to two hours you know again which i used to do just think there's a person out there who's enduring like an hour and a half commute back and forth from work it's a weird way to think of there's a guy in his car just gripping the wheel. Just jerking off on a greyhound. And you're just in a fucking screen.

Just jerking off on a septa. That's what he's doing in between work. On his way home, he's in the back. No, he's just fucking white knuckling some NPR. And the whole time during that, you're fucking He's white knuckling some Lashmi Singh. It's a funny thing about for a person's entire commute,

you're just like in a room. That's a long sesh. So I take it back. I was a little critical of your no fap. But sometimes after a long sesh, if you do find the right video, after basically an hour of edging. All right, well, then enjoy it. No, but then the time, dude, look at these.

Fuck that. Who cares? I mean, obviously, yeah. Dude, fapping for an hour of your day okay now that's you you have

you have a very busy I'm an ambitious man yes Lemorp take an hour out of fucking Capcom vs. Marvel or whatever fire one off

that's just as good I think he doesn't want Capcom vs. Marvel how much Capcom vs. Marvel do you want Lemare not a bunch I got a little bit it bunch i got i got a little bit it's funny he always got a bit a little bit he got a bit a little bit i mean come on

it's a point of fucking living true so so you you were on a nofap and this is all just leading us to the story but it's more important to get the days it's like you did five days no coming. Five days no fat. Yeah, I went to – What's 24 times five? 120 hours? Why would you embarrass the whole group like this? 120 hours. All four of us like, I hope someone else gets it quick. I think it's 120 hours.

So you did 120 hours fat free. You're carrying the – yeah, he's carrying it. Yeah. You can see he's doing the math. 120. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. So you – yeah, you can do it. You can bat free. You're carrying the – yeah, he's carrying it. Yeah. You can see he's doing the math. 120. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. So, yeah, you can do it.

You can do it. And then just – Yeah, but I was dizzy. Like, I was, like, getting dizzy. Really? Yeah. Matt's talked about experiencing some very – a bit of cum fever himself. Yeah, man.

I would do, like, a six-day on, like, a six, seven – seventh was, like, my limit. Now, I honestly think I could rock a seven day. I mean, I think I like do it pretty regularly now. But at first, dude, I would go like fucking six, seven days and I'd be doing pushups and like my heart would skip a beat. You get like that Red Bull vodka feeling almost. If you don't come for a lot of days and your body's like your body's making the stuff. Sure.

You're putting in the orders. Sure. They're fulfilling. The man's there. The man. Supply is building. Supply is building. Supply's there. You got, like, wartime effort going on in terms of production.

Some guy in the factory in your nutsack's like, these were supposed to go out yesterday. What the hell are these doing here? So, Lamar, you're on day, you're on hour 120 of not jizzing and you've been jerking off for three to four hours a day your whole adult life so now

alright so what happens next I go I go to the movies I want to go see a movie I want to go see One Night in Miami okay so now you're celebrating your heritage yeah what see One Night in Miami. Okay, so now you're celebrating your heritage.

Yeah. What's One Night in Miami? I think it's like Muhammad Ali and Malcolm X and Jim Brown. It's the Black Avengers. Hell yeah.

Black Avengers get together and they're like, gotta shut down this racism, y'all. What the hell did Charles say about pulling up our pants? Yeah. They're just trying to stop Sir Charles, dude.

Jim Brown was the man. Also, I think supported Trump. Oh, dude. Hell yeah. Sick. I love to see it. I did not. True.

Me? Not me. I could never. Do you hear this, AOC? Not me. True. I'm telling you, man. They're like.

They're rounding them up. Something has to give. There has to be a symbolic show of force against anyone who would dare storm the capital dude i got one more for you after this yeah now you got me fired up when i was asking you about that book that'll definitely get this show flagged yeah i guarantee you're not allowed to say that word really yeah the book probably all right so you're in the theater. You're celebrating black history. You're cum dizzy. Which, to be fair, is the best way to celebrate black history.

Now here's going to be my favorite part. What sweet treats did you get at the movie theater? They didn't have any. No treats? No, no, no. No treats. Do you tell them you haven't came in seven days? I need some Twizzler nibs right now.

I wonder if one of them saw you walking around and thought it was like Five Night at Freddy's where like an animatronic bear started walking around. All right. So you're snackless and horny. Yeah. No snacks. No. And high. And high.

Yeah, for sure. Obviously, you doped up. It's dangerous. Yeah. And no drinks? They didn't have drinks in there? No drinks. You brought your own?

No. I had a water. I had? No, I had a water. I had a water. I had a water. I had it in my thing. I always try to say strap of water. Shame on you for not bringing your own snacks to the movie theater. Yeah.

I can't believe you did. But I thought I'd be able to go in and buy some if it's open. What snacks would you have gotten? Money bags. I would have got a popcorn and some gummy worms. Okay. Solid. A little sweet and salty.

Good order. All right Alright Cum filled No gummy worms Celebrating black excellence Yeah So I walk into the theater And there's this couple It's just me and this couple

They're sitting up front And then they just like walk They get up and walk behind me And I'm like Oh they're gonna go fuck You thought that to yourself? Yeah, because I kind of willed it. I'm thinking you did.

Yeah. I was just, yeah. Maybe that cum in you charged everybody up. The endorphins you released. You might have had a cum hallucination. You may have seen porn. It's like your delirium tremens for cum instead of alcohol. Yeah.

That's your pink elephant. Isn't that what it is? A pink elephant? So wait, were they audibly having sex behind you? So you're filled to the brim with jizz. And this couple sneaks behind you? Behind me. And I'm trying to watch black people talk on the screen.

And I hear just like... Really? In the background. Yeah, and I hear just like, in the background. Yeah. And they're just like gawks. Was it a white couple? She was giving him a head. I think they're black. Yeah.

No offense. No, it was a white lady. It was a white lady. Oh, dude. This guy got sucked to Malcolm X by a white lady. Holy shit. Damn dude. So you're, you're just surrounded by black

excellence at this point that's the most black excellence oh dude I thought they closed the AMC on Columbus Ave it was they did it

it was the Rivers 5 okay where's that at uh Wano City damn so a guy got his dick sucked by a white lady during one night in miami and now all right last one i'm sorry how hard were you true dude dude it was i couldn't

focus on the movie i literally well that's very understandable if someone's getting their dick sucked directly behind me i'm kind of yeah i you're not talking. It wasn't Avatar, dude. Yeah, true. I would have called the usher and been like, dude, I'm sorry. You would have to, or just move. You'd have to move. No way, dude. You've got to stand your ground on that. If someone starts getting their dicks sucked right behind you?

There's no way I'm moving. How long were they fucking? The whole movie. Damn, dude. Really? They knew you weren't going to snitch. I wasn't going to snitch. I'm not a snitch. I did look back a bunch

and go, hey, you guys have snitched. I am a pervert. I would have definitely, dude, I would have moved behind them. True. I wanted them to ask me to join. I mean, she should have It's kind of fucked up she didn't

Did you clap at the end of the movie? You had to clap for them? They stopped At the end of the movie Sam Cooke started singing A change will come And they stopped fucking Out of respect Out of respect for how good that part is

So there it was Get off me bitch It was real good. Out of respect? Wow. Out of respect for how good that part is, yeah. So there it was. I was born. He's like, all right, all right, all right. It's enough. Get off me, bitch. Hold on, baby. Watch this. This is beautiful.

Hold on, baby. One second. In a little tent. He just started crying. He's like, get off me, bitch. And so that was obviously the end of the nofap. I know exactly where that led

dude I've witnessed Matt fall from the exact same same fucking thing dude man that was how nice was that

me and Matt were at a friend of mine's house and a nice young college girl we only hang out with the youngest most supple boys

and girls so we were young, too. This was probably four years ago. So I was not even in my 30s. But you're allowed to fuck college kids if you're in your 20s. And we didn't fuck college. Your 30th birthday, they tear up your college ID.

No one fucking sweet college babies. Can I text them? Yeah, you can text them. But they're going to tell on you eventually. They will. Fuck it. But Matt's – we were sitting there and this couple got up and went and just fucked in this room right behind.

But you could hear her. And we had just been sitting with her all night. Exactly. We're hanging out. It's like, oh, she's great. I'd love to fuck her. And then you just hear her getting fucked in the next room. Yeah, dude.

And Matt was on a nofap. I was on like a seven-day nofap. And I'm like sitting there. I think people were playing cards or something. Yeah, we were playing cards. And all of a sudden, I'm sitting here just being like, if my memory serves me correctly, she had some fucking big naturals.

She did have heavy naturals. Big naturals. And I'm on a seven-day nofap. And I'm sitting here just like, she's all nice. You know those naturals are getting knocked around just in a room right behind you. Yeah, I can picture them clearly. I'm thinking they're like one of those down-and-out kind of setups. So I'm like, oh, man.

So they start doing their thing, and I'm sitting there like, I'm out of here. I had to go. You got more yinglings? Dude, I was just like, all right, well, I'm going to get out of here. I listened to like about a half an hour, 45 minutes of it, and I was like salivating. Went home and just unleashed a seven to eight. No porn, no anything.

Just thought about, remembered the noises and was just like, seven, just a nofap all over my little fucking sofa bed, dude. Dan. Dude. You guys got problems. I couldn't do it. What the fuck? That was crazy. No, I'm not even mad. After what I confessed to you guys before this, I couldn't do it. What the fuck? That was crazy.

No, I'm not even mad. After what I confessed to you guys before this, I would never condemn you on this. What did you confess? It was a confession off air, man. True, true, true. Jeez Louise, dude. Is nothing sacred? True, true.

But dude, yeah, man. So I feel your pain, although I do think removing porn from your life is a good move. Yeah, probably. It doesn't have to be, but it's like – I'll tell you what. I've kind of – well, again, not after what I just told you. But I've come around kind of naturally to not caring about it. Like it's like – I don't know.

It's kind of the exact same thing every single time. It is. And I don't – I can't get weirder. Yeah. That's what's nice. Like I can't – like if I watched T-Porn at all, not for me. Yeah. None of that's for me.

No, yeah, it is kind of – Every once in a while I can get, like, a real dark, weird one. I think T-Porn is the sign of when you're getting, like, voided out. When you just need – you're, like, trying to get deeper and deeper into it. And then it's like, dude, I, like, stopped watching that shit. You keep digging until you get to – I stopped watching that shit, dude. And as soon as – dude, for real.

What was funny is like, you get that T-Porn is something that can snag you and dude, I think there's a lot more soldiers out there who are just like not talking about their T-Porn.

Anytime, when you and me talked about it on the, when you confessed to it, first off, I had never even imagined it. Yeah, dude. I couldn't believe it but as soon as I remember

I condemned you. Yeah. I said, shame upon this. And everybody we knew came out and was like, come on, man. What the fuck's wrong with you where are you gay it was funny it's well it's funny because it really should not be a big deal it really shouldn't if we're like you know everyone's moving forward we're doing all new stuff you know it's not a huge deal i'll say

this is the thing though i'm telling you i'm telling you it dude. I'm telling you. It should be something that has moved past. However, as soon as I kind of got my ducks in a row, it just lost all of its allure. Dude, I'm telling you. It was the phallic mother. I think I was battling before the phallic mother. And as soon as I fucking integrated myself fully, well, not fully. Obviously, three quarters of the way, I'd say. I've pulled it up and just been like, ugh.

Yeah. Same thing. Well, that's how it always should have been. up and it's been like yeah same thing well that's how it always should have been it should have always been like oh that's what i'm saying dude yeah but if you're out if you're in if you're in the existential vacuum dude if you're adrift the fucking sirens dude the dong sirens the ladies come here pull your ship over here you're all right there's nothing wrong with it. You're exactly right. No, I'm telling you. I think it should be, you know, I think we have bigger fish to fry as a species right now.

But I will say it's one of those things that I think if, like, if you're watching it being like, why am I watching this? It's like you should probably start, like, examining some things. Yeah, I think if you were doing it and feeling guilty. I don't know. If I watched porn and felt guilty after or, like, something, then I'd be like, this is bad. Because I'm usually very easy to feel guilty about almost anything i do like if you watch it you're done you're like dude 100 like there's nothing to it to me yeah i don't know i put no stock in it at all that's good if i don't do it i just forgot yeah that's all it's

on my to-do list it's just like something oh yeah i should jerk off yeah forget it oh did i jerk off no there is something to be said for like maintenance jerks like you do got to get it you know you can't be running on too hot all the time but i will say in a relationship you can get to the point where you start to get kind of like do vengeance porn not like like vengeance porn vengeance porn but like you get an argument you're like i'll just fucking jerk off fuck you and then you know you can start to get it not i'm not talking about like getting into like come here bitch porn but like i've never had any snuff porn i'm just talking about being like fuck you then just pick i'm just gonna fap and then you just like fap for like three days straight and then bay wants to have sex and you're just

like a you can't you just you fap yourself into an empty b all right yeah that's fair i've run into that problem that is certainly an issue sucks dude lam right. Yeah, that's fair. I've run into that problem. That is certainly an issue. It sucks, dude. Lemaire, sorry I stretched that story out so much. That should have been one second of you just being like,

yeah, this couple fucked at a movie behind me. But I'm glad we got to the bottom of you jerking off for like several hours a day. Dude, I'm telling you,

man. And it's good you came clean and admitted it to thousands of people. I feel free now. That's what I'm saying, dude. You got to let it,

no, dude, I used to do that all the time. No, I know, I know. And, dude, so many fucking people do. It's cool when girls do it. Not even. It actually is not, but. To me, as a father. To me?

Nah. Disgusting. To me, when I hear about girls, I'm like, what the fuck? If I hear about a girl masturbating? I mean, if they're going to, for a quick one-off, if a girl's like, I'm laying in my room masturbating all day, I'd flip the bed. I'd just get the fuck if i hear about a girl masturbating i mean if they're gonna for a quick one-off if a girl's like i'm laying in my room masturbating all day i'd flip the bed i just get the fucking flip the mattress out 100 i told you what i want to go on back on tinder on slut patrol go on tinder as a married man and just critique women like what are you doing

what the hell is this do you know what that would lead to what you can barely withstand the dong sirens, dude. What do you think's gonna happen if you got on Tinder? You're like, yo, I'm just doing this. This is a little project

I'm working on to help women. Actually, you're actually very beautiful. Or just be a match. The reason I was being so hard on you is because you're so sweet and beautiful.

She matched with me? Oh. You like Avatar Last Airbender, too? We just met to get dinner to talk. I'm trying to help her out. I would fall in love so quick with that. As soon as someone's like, you're right, I'd be like, I am? What else do you want to know about me?

Do you want to just hang out and talk? All right. We got to switch over to the Patreon. Oh, man. Do you want to just hang out and talk? All right. We've got to switch over to the Patreon. Oh, man. If you get a chance and you live near San Antonio, Texas, the 28th, 29th, 30th, and 31st I'll be down there. That's a Thursday, Friday, and Saturday and Sunday show.

So some of those will probably be pretty light. Please come. The 5th and 6th, 4th, 5th, and 6th of February, show so some of those will probably be pretty light please come uh the fifth and sixth fourth fifth and sixth of february i'll be at raleigh at good nights in raleigh north carolina and then i believe the 19th and 20th of february i'll be at the arlington draft house in washington dc a little it's a nice little stretch a little fun stretch there hell yeah um thank you guys for listening matt do you have anything you want to plug here? Dude, just my, just Psych Nol. I got the Logotherapy vids working.

I'm doing them now, like, kind of like documentary style. I throw, like, stock footage and shit. It's pretty fun. Oh, that's awesome. Yeah, so I'm getting into making internet stuff. I did one, but I'll have it done soon. That's like helping the bros. Helping the bros.

Between that and Romoss. Romoss is getting the bros fucking on the straight and narrow. Lamar, get on that. Psych Nol is getting the mindset. Get on Psych Nol and stop masturbating so much, would you? Yeah, dude. No, tell him to knock that. That's weird, right?

Just knock it off. He didn't agree that it was weird. Noah masturbates for hours. You know, sometimes. I mean, dude, you got that thick fucking root. If I had a root like Noah's, I mean dude you got that thick fucking root if I had a root like Noah's

you gotta grip it every now and again sucking that thing around not every day multiple hours sometimes you know you just gotta you gotta pull it out

for a little bit we're trying to end the episode dude don't be a hog I'm just kidding Noah thank you guys I love your dick thank you for listening

goodbye