Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 334- The Myth of Women Sleeping

Episode Date: February 10, 2021

We back!! New intro. New release day (wed instead of tues) that way I can actually sit down and enjoy my dinner rather than fighting w my bae as I rush to upload everything. 2021 is all about taking our time and avoiding negative attractor fields that we often mistake for our own thoughts!!! Topix include: The FACT that women do not sleep and def don't dream, Astronauts, Alexander the Gaped, and SO MUCH MOREEE Support the DAWGZ @patreon.com/MSsecretpod Go to a show@ shanemgillis.com/live

I know this isn't true. Yeah, what you're saying is false. This is a falsehood, you wench. I don't think they dream. They don't dream. They wake up and lie about dreams every woman's dream journal is just her making up i don't think they i don't think they sleep wow wow wes and we're live we're just tidying up a little bit just tidying up making sure things yeah didn't know we had so many uh i didn't know we had so many experts in astrophysics from last week.

I looked at particles. They just figured out how light space is, 2020. That was something that puzzled physicists like myself. This has been burning for a week. I didn't even trip about it. It was so obvious. It's like, dude, have you been to space? Yeah.

How do you know? Have you even been there? Have you been to space? Yeah, so shut up about space. Crazy, man. I only want to hear from Lance Bass. True. And other astronauts. Has he been in a? I Have you been to space? Yeah, so shut up about space if you haven't been there. Crazy, man. I only want to hear from Lance Bass. True. And other astronauts.

Has he been in a... I think he went to space. He went to space? At least he tried to. Wow. First gay man launched into orbit. How does he know that? I assume all astronauts are gay.

You have to. You have to just assume. I do. Rockets? Come on, man. Come on, dude. You're into rockets? Zero gravity? Sounds a little gay to me. You want to be assume. I do. Rockets? Come on, man. Come on, dude. You're into rockets? Zero gravity?

Sounds a little gay to me. You want to be lighter than air? Dude. They just ran a commercial for, I think it was in the Super Bowl. They ran a commercial for first civilian only. Stop. I was watching it like, all all right just definitely civilians gonna die it was like a civilian like a like a trip they're doing an amateur space mission you can go to space

where it's just send it up randoms except everyone that's definitely gonna explode you think so yeah damn that's just another thing i gotta worry about, you've never been to space? I'm like, I haven't been to fucking Europe, dude. Come on. Give me some time. Just launching regular people into space. Actually, I think I went to Ireland once. I get scared on planes. True.

I don't think I could leave the atmosphere. No. Is it just to go up there and check it all out? Yeah. It's just what Lance Bass did. People get pissed they get out there. Did Lance bass go to space all right he went with the rookies what the fuck that fucking traitor that motherfucker

they launch a lot lance bass imagine putin be like sir hold on we have one more for the crew well it was funny because they were sending like dogs and monkeys and shit. And they were like, we will also send gays. And then humans. JK. Sent boy bands? Got launched from into space. Hell yeah. Do you think when Last Bass was up in zero gravity,

he did the fucking bye-bye-bye puppet? Do you think that's what Houston said to him? When he, on liftoff, like, bye-bye-bye. We have liftoff. That's great. Yeah, we have a like, bye, bye, bye. We have liftoff. That's great. Yeah, we have a lot of OCD types, apparently. Tablecloth at a wrinkle. Everyone's like, woo, woo, woo.

Yeah. It's fucked up, dude. We know the set sucks. Hey, man. I think it's pretty good. Yeah, whatever. I like it. It's better than our last three sets.

True. Living room, sometimes your bedroom bedroom the living room would have been basement would have been tight basement yeah candles that'd have been terrifying dude i didn't i don't think i went down that basement for more than like it got pretty scary yeah man we had a hole we had a hole in the floor scary down there we had a hole in the floor the whole thing was just scary no no my basement. The one I lived in. Not the very spooky basement. Yeah. But I did live down there and I was convinced a creature was coming out of that door. How spooked were you? I got spooked a lot. Yeah. I don't know if I was like a whole mudroom. Yeah. Like literally just a

mud floor that was probably centuries old. Yeah. And then a tiny door that a creature of the night could have come out of the catacombs. A creature of the night could have come out of the catacombs. Dude. I was always on guard for creatures of the night. I would be. I don't know if I could

sleep in a basement. I'm too superstitious. I'm having a tough time sleeping now. Why? Because I keep going to sleep to World War II books. Oh.

And I just keep having wild fucking dreams. Really? Yeah, they're like fucked up, dude. The Pacific. What you been having? Come on, man. Talk to me about the Pacific? So you've been reading about it i've been listening yeah i fall asleep listening to sledgehammer talk about his experience dude dude's like

fucking using their k-bar knives to take out japanese teeth there's one guy that was alive because they were gold teeth the gold teeth nice and there was one guy that was alive. What were they doing with them? Because they were gold teeth. The gold teeth. Nice. And there was one guy who was still alive, so he kicked the dude's jaw open. Like, he cut him here and here, gave him a little joker. Yeah. And then kicked the bottom jaw open to fucking get in more. The guy was still alive for it. And then I'm just tossing and turning. Damn, dude.

Imagine getting that and handing it down to you. Your grandpa, when his grandpa passed away, he's like, here's four gold teeth. I ripped them out of a japanese you give it to your slut granddaughter and she got drunk in the club and lost them oh my grandpa's japanese teeth are in there i need to get they all got melted down to form like uh first name golden necklaces christina they got they got turned into christina necklaces dude how hot was that when chicks used to have necklaces with their names on them? Yeah. It's Christina. It's like, all right.

Obviously a slut. There's definitely slut dog tags. If you have your first name embossing gold around your neck, it's like, whoa. And if you fuck them, you get to treat them like a dead soldier and you collect their dog tags. They just see each other like, where'd you serve? Like, Millersville University. I did seven years in Millersville University. I did seven years Millersville. I was a marauder.

My ass was plundered. I was in an elite unit called Delta Siga Phi. Man, we were really slundered up. Some of the best sluts. I got a slut battle with a lady. One of my sisters got her stomach pumped. Dude, that must suck. Is that a real thing?

Slut battles? No, I know slut battles. I'm saying come stomach pumped. Dude, that must suck. Is that a real thing? Slut battles? No, I know slut battles. I'm saying cum stomach pump. I don't know. There's a rumor about Lil' Kian. Marilyn Manson. Marilyn Manson got his stomach pumped? He got his ribs removed to suck his own dung.

Someone also said he got his stomach pumped because he had so much cum. Apparently his own dick. Obviously, exactly. He got his ribs removed. Marilyn Manson's dick came forward with allegations against him. Have you seen the Marilyn Manson allegations? No, what were they? I don't know them exactly, but I think ladies that had sex with him are complaining.

Okay. Turns out he was about that life that he very openly advertised. What was it? They were like, it felt like we were in a cult. It's like, yeah. Yeah, dude. You're fucking a guy that dressed like the devil on TV all the time. It was like, I am the devil.

Yeah. What did you think? Thought it was going to be like a nice romantic evening? Wait, so women are coming out saying he was like evil? I think he's on record as evil. I think he's being brought up on witch charges. Also, I wonder if Marilyn Manson. They have like Puritan judges

like, was he actually a witch? Yeah, dude. He's eating your pussy and all of a sudden he disappears. He comes back the other way and you're like, Hex! You did Hex. Dude, if I went on a date with Marilyn Manson, that's your bad. I usually

don't blame victims, but if you didn't keep a crucifix on you, that's kind of your bad. With some garlic? Yeah, dude. They'll get you. They need a ghoul? That's a ghoul coming at you. He was on TV like, yo, I'm a ghoul.

And then you get in the bedroom, and obviously he's going to be ghoulish. There's going to be ghoulish behavior. Damn, dude. What do you think he comes like? Oh, fuck. behavior damn dude what do you think he comes like oh fuck like you you think he's like the light glitch he just it's probably only comes under strobe light lights start glitching he's like he's dude i i don't understand it for the life of me people who want to be that spooky i never i never have louds, but I told you the time I farted. Did I tell you that?

When? I was having FaceTime sex with a lady. Oh, I see. You know, it was J. Owen. Yeah. I farted. Fuck yeah, dude. On the FaceTime sex?

Yeah, it was FaceTime. I was like, uh, perk. I don't think it caught.. Yeah, it was FaceTime. I was like, uh, Bert. I don't think it caught. I think Apple filters farts. I think they have a little filter if you're coming. I don't. I farted many times on FaceTime. More like fart times when you're with me.

Wait, so you're talking about slut battles? Oh, I had a slut battle. I was making fun of Hooters waitresses. I was like, the finest sluts. And this lady was like, they're not all sluts. I was like, well, yeah, they are, for sure. First of all, it's funny you said they're not all sluts. It's like, all right.

And I was like, no, they're dumb, beautiful sluts. She's like, some of them have PhDs. I was just making fun of the Special Olympics, and you're defending Hooters waitresses now? I was trying so hard to make an acronym about titties with PhD. I was like, pretty hot titties. I was like, fuck. You got it.

PhDs. There you go. Pretty huge tits, too. But, yeah. It was a slut battle. So who was coming out against you? Just some lady who worked at Denny's? She was a beautiful slut.

No, she was a beautiful slut. Really? She was a former slut. She was defending the Hooters sluts. Really? Did she serve in Hooters? I think she must have served. Hooters is the Air Force for sluts, dude.

Betty at the Navy. Dance. Yeah. Obviously, I mean, dude, does she really think you're buzzing around in your car, like passing a Hooters being like, fucking sluts? No. She should know that I'm driving by being like, yes. There's loose, immoral whores.

There's beautiful sluts in there. Beautiful wing sluts right there. No, Hooters sluts rule. Damn, must be so sick to work in the kitchen at Hooters. They are like SEAL Team 6. Big time. That's like the elite unit. Hooters, 6. Big time. That's like the elite unit. The Hooters?

Yeah, big time. It's like that only to – do we still do like Sports Illustrated swimsuits or do women just get their ass eaten in Sports Illustrated? They must. It must be like triple X. It must be the most powerful. Dude, Miss January stuck. They started.

I remember when they started the body episode or body edition or maybe that was ESn where they would just be everybody was naked all the athletes what they're slowly transitioning us into an all-male about fucking time i need yeah oh dude that'd be a tough one to just a fucking like wide receivers bulging his sweatpants you're like fuck man that's what i that's why i watched the combine the scout like see just everybody in spandex running. See these massive hogs. True.

Flying down the runway. See what's good. Here we go now. I got one for you. What? I got a good movie for you to watch. You're going to enjoy it. What's that?

You ever see Alexander the Great? No, I don't think I did. I think it's called Alexander. It's Colin Farrell. Awesome. Yeah, hot hot one of the hottest dudes out there huge dog in his prime hollywood dong does he have a hollywood dong hollywood dong report he's up there with john he has to be william shatner shatner i heard shatner had a fucking hog dude who told you that i just heard it it was you know it's the buzz dude

you are such a you're such a space guy well you're the business with me, dude. Come on, dude. That's the ultimate. Dude, no, I heard Shatner had a... Either he had a dong or someone ripped his dong, but his dong was in the mix. Someone ripped it? Like being like, Shatner had that fucking... Oh.

Weak ass. He had that Priceline dong, dude. Shatner. Never thought. Anyway, you would like this movie because it's about Alexander the Great, but he's clearly just a very gay man

the whole time what he just keeps fucking there's always hot lady boys wherever he goes that's all yeah dude

what are you serious the whole campaign was ruined by hot lady boys did you ever hear his speech he gave Jared Leto's in it what

Jared Leto's a hot lady boy they dress him up like a Persian lady boy. He looks so good. He can get mysterious as fuck, dude. Dude, he had eyeliner. Very mysterious. I was just about to say, he must have had that like crow level deep.

But there's a lady boy that they encounter when they head east. Yeah, that's a secret weapon, dude. They expand to the empire east. But now they are Greek and Macedonian, so they're always plowing boys after battles. Yeah. The sweet boys come in they party after battles sweet boys you just killed a bunch of guys you and all your boys just got stabbed yep send the women home to be tired they all literally just got stabbed for

like eight hours and then they lay down with the boys and there's one in the movie is he just they just fucking boys the whole time yes stop throughout scantily clad very exotic boys really i remember the first time i saw it i was a young man and there's one lady boy that the first time i saw him i was like i don't like him he did that to me really even as a young boy i saw this the first time they show this lady boy on on screen i was like get them out of here you were pissed i was furious he was crossing wires dude because he crossed wires hard wait till they showed this ladyboy on screen, I was like, get them out of here. You were pissed. I was furious. He was crossing wires, dude. Because he crossed wires hard, dude.

Wait until you see this ladyboy, dude. He crosses wires. So you're watching Alexander the Gaped? He did gape. He did the gaping. Was he really? I believe. They never show you.

But you would imagine based on the voice. Just once. You think he's in the desert. He's like, all right, come on. Let's see what it's all about. Someone toss one in me here. Yeah, someone toss one in him. If you're editing this video, toss in a little screenshot of the lady boy. For sure, dude.

For sure. I'll show you. I'll see what you're doing. I'm going to see what's up with it, and then I'm going to react like, okay, guys. Yeah, this lady boy is pretty fucking hot right now. Okay, let's get back in there. Incredible lady boys. Whoa.

Somebody posted this video on our Reddit that's so good. What is it? It was kind of along the lines of Love on the Spectrum. This was special needs characters. Yeah. A couple of characters. And one of the guys was so excited to go to a lady boys. Really?

Yeah. It was in Australia. I believe he had Down syndrome. He was stoked that ladyboys were coming. He was like, we're going to go. The ladies are so fucking hot. I can't wait to see them. And everyone kept being like, they're boys, though.

You know they're boys. What? And he's like, no. He was like, no. Don't break the illusion. He just kept being like, they're so hot, dude. What are you talking about? How did he come upon this thing?

I don't know. I don't know who sent these guys to this thing but they had they had the time of their lives they had fun of course dude but the camera follows him the camera's in there while he's watching the lady boys dance and he's like oh like any time the lady boy's on he's like oh they're so fucking hot and then at one point one of the one of the scenes in the show is uh lady boy takes off her makeup and there's a guy and they show the show the kid and he's like exactly how i felt when i saw that lady boy i was like get this guy out of here why did they do why did they do it to him and then they bring out more lady boys and he's right back to just like oh and they're like you know those were boys right he's like no no they're not they're so, you know those were boys, right? And he's like, no. No, they're not. They're so hot. Just that one tricked me.

One trick. There was a guy snuck in. Damn, dude. That's against the... That's breaking code, dude. You don't wipe off your makeup. You can't bring ladyboys in front of... That's like popping off the Mickey Mouse head at Disney World, dude.

It really is. Can't be doing it. It really is. What? Yeah, but then you put the mask right back on and they're like, all right, it's goofy. I knew it was goofy. It's magic. It's definitely goofy.

There's not a guy in there. Yeah, whoever posted that, that clip was fucking so funny. Was that like some show that didn't get picked up? They like bought it? No, it got picked up. I don't know where. It was airing somewhere. They were like just showing special needs people go to.

Is that what Australia's Hollywood's all about? Australia? I'll see what, dude. It's just like, look, we got an idea. Bit of an idea about some of those special fellas. Go down. We'll show them some transvestites. Dude.

Tricked them. Damn, dude. And he went, for real though, it's exactly Disney World. Somebody took their mask off. He was like, what the fuck is this? Put it right back on. He was like, woo. He is this? Put it right back on. He was like, whoo. He kept looking at the camera like, I fucking told you they were hot as fuck.

I don't know what everyone's giving me shit for. Dude, he was doing him. He also reacted the exact same way like you do with the T's. You're like, they're fucking hot. It's like, you know those dudes, right? They're like, kind of, But no, they're not dudes. Back when you were in the dark phase. Yeah, man.

I apologize for throwing you in there. I don't care. All right, good. I found God now. True. Now I just think about him in the shower. Now that's it. With the T's?

I just go like. We know you're out there. RIP, guys. They're still bopping around. I'm telling you, I think there was, they caught me during like a Jungian transformation. It's just,

it's the phallic mother. You go there and you're like, whoa, it's complete. And all of a sudden you find your own completeness and you're like, oh, okay, sorry. Exactly.

It's more of a Jungian thing. It was. It was a very Jungian kind of Freudian phase and all of a youngian thing very it was it was very young it was very youngian kind of freudian phase and all of a sudden i was just like i kind of integrated myself and went like oh okay you've been saw bailey jay again was like man not really you sure sort of god yeah it's crazy dude i'm telling you the archetypes are real i believe the collective unconscious is real they tricked you they led me to where i needed to go yeah you saw it you said not for me i was like wait a second it's for me a couple times not really yeah dude done telling you it's weird it was it's the weirdest thing in the world but there was no

foolishness you never fooled around there was no foolishness no foolishness at all there's absolutely come on man oh man but yeah dude i'm telling you'm telling you, that's a quiet epidemic. What's that? You get a lot of bros out there scouring the net and being like... Someone told me before, the way people get sucked into it is you start watching them... You start watching the tees have sex with girls. And you go like...

It's nothing. That's how you sold me on it. And then you watch one of them fap and you're like... It's girl? Girl? That's how you sold me on it. You sold one of them fap, and you're like, it's girl? Girl? That's how you sold me on. You sold me on. You were like, do you like watching porn?

I was like, yeah, I watch some porn. You're like, now imagine if the guy had tits, too. It was a strong pitch. It's a good pitch. It sounds good on paper, but then you're like, well, then I'm getting attracted to the guy. No, you're just loving the tits. You're pumped on tits. You're just like, tits.

I am pumped on tits. All right. True. Good argument. You're just down under, dude. It's a good argument. You're like, are you not pumped on tits? I was like, hold on down under dude it's a good argument you're like are you not pumped on tits it's like hold on it's like wait do you want less tits i'm sorry point good point your honor um but yeah man that's a uh that's something you

got to work your way through or you just go all the way into it you go love it what was it called the thailand show i think ladyboys ladyboys in thailand yeah or you just got all the way into it. You go love it. What was it called? The Thailand show? I think Ladyboys. Ladyboys in Thailand. Yeah. Or you just got to go full into it. You got to bring your son down and be like. You got to tank a couple marriages and then just go right to Thailand. And be like, come on, man.

Understand. Yeah. Dude, that show was fucking nuts. Yeah, that was. Bringing it. Just making his son watch him and a ladyboy go at it under a waterfall. Kids just sitting there floating. That was fucking just like that was that whole scenario was hot there's a son like just three dudes in a lagoon three dudes having fun yeah i've come to the conclusion that i'm not gay i'm just super horny

i think i'm just really horny no no it's not bi it's's bi No no It's not bi Some of the It's not bi dude No there's a word for it It's like poly Not poly Pan Pansexual

I might be pansexual Yes I might just be sex Yes I might just cum You're a fucking sex machine dude I might be I've been listening to James Brown

Non-stop Really Yeah you're a sex machine You're gonna get up and do your thing I called a handjob today You got an h let me adjust the mic i want to brag you got a wed a wed dude i mean honestly i thought about that today getting like a like holding all your come in for like getting serviced yeah like being in like a

two-week argument and then like just like not even wanting to come because you're so angry and then getting a handjob at like 1030 in the morning might be as hot as it gets. I'm talking like, you know, going on Tinder, you know, going off, having escapades. Not even close. Getting like a fucking like. Making a reluctant wife service you. You know, it wasn't even reluctant, dude. It was, that's, you know, that's the one piece of the pie. But this was a kind of like. Reluct be hotter this was dutiful this was kind of

like you've earned this this was kind of like good job sir that's as good as it gets you're exactly right hands back legs off the bed just fucking laying there just kind of like checking to be like all right i got five minutes dude only needed three cranked me out crumbed off three dude i just i can't watch porn and i can't watch any of it i like pull it up on my phone it's just like disgusting not even disgusting i'm like this shit is this stuff just sucks yeah it looks it's like weirdly cheap it's so funny because i can when people are like oh that movie sucks how do you watch that movie i'm like i don't know it's just fun put it on yeah poor i had the same weird thing with porn i put it on i'm like just some lady with like pimples on her butt being like yeah i'm just like

fucking christ it's always a bad shot yeah and i just think about the ladies just there being like having to i whenever i watch porn now i think about the fact they're doing it as a job and it fucks me up that they're just kind of like i think about them clocking in and being like yeah i don't know then it's like getting like fucked in the ass like ah i just think about them clocking in and being like, yeah, I don't know. And then it's like getting like fucked in the ass. I'm like, ah, I just think about their whole life. And it just, I'm like, yeah, it's turn up major turn off pimples on the butt. I caught a pimple. And that was like the last point I saw. And I just, again, I'll get myself to the point where like, I absolutely need to fab

because I have like torso pain. So I like, I'll have to fab so bad that like the first thing that pops up and I'll just like, fuck it. I'm not looking for another one yeah i'll just like come to a blood pimple movie and just be like go to bed and be like fuck me well back to you being dutifully serviced yeah i mean that is a that's a that's a hot genre it's hot dude it's like when the nurse comes in or the stepmom comes in it's like you're backed up i need to help yeah dude it's not true that's the this is true but it's the real life components the best i'm sure telling you man if you can if

you say i don't if you basically put all of your sexual needs in the hands of a real life woman nothing more beautiful it's what is the best it's biblical it is it's what we're here for you go for the you take the long i'll take a long drought, dude. And I just know. I fought off the fat devil like four nights in a row being like, I don't know. Tonight could be the night. What was the fat devil saying to you? Just, dude, I'd wake up. Crept in your room at night. Yeah, wake up at like.

Tiny imp. Tiny little imp, dude. You wake up at four in the morning. You're like, I know what would make me fall back asleep. I'm going to sneak to the bathroom and fap. It's like the fat police have grown in my house. I have two officers in my house now i have like two beacons of possible shame where like i could deal with having one

now there's two that i'm just like i'll just wait they're asleep do it come on it's not that your bathroom's not that close to the bedroom man it's like no i'm going to bed just audible i actually have a sleep mask that has headphones in it now. So now the fat devil comes, dude, and I just audible is my crucifix, dude. I put the sleep mask with the earphones and just crank up spirituality books. I'm like audible and I'm like, oh. Wait, what? Yeah, all right.

It's just weird. I know, I know, but just fat, dude. That's what I say. I say this to myself. Just get it done. Just get it done just get it done like putting yourself through that like personal battle just like no no it's like you've made that you've made that i'm not true you've made it a battle you can just be like this isn't even bad

true i don't think it is bad yeah it's just the point i look at the porn it's sad that's the problem it's sad we'll find not sad porn then you ever look at like positive porn it's just people like no oh dude it's not we look at the worst no i like very negative pornography i've looked for like nice point and it do first of all there's like kissing there's like a porn where it's like very very intimate just hugs and kisses they're like I fucking love no they'll have sex they'll bone but like

I fucking love you so I love you yeah I've seen those that weirds me out even more yeah oh my god I fucking love you

find a nice amateur true go to the amateur yeah but I amateur I had a dark phase of watching crackheads have sex

oh my god dude no I used to watch like crackheads actually you know what yeah I'm bad I just ran that through the cycle I was like dude. No. I used to watch like crackheads. Actually, you know what? Yeah.

I just ran that through the cycle. I was like, Oh, that's in my search history. I've seen it. Crackhead videos are tough, dude. Yeah,

they're tough. They'll get, you'll get one good one. You'll chase the dragon and you just go down like the saddest, most fucked up rabbit holes. It's usually like in a car. Yeah. It's usually like motel room, motel motel room yeah just fucking sucking some dude's dick with a condom on you're like

get done you're just like the worst thing is too i have this thing where like i think a lot of people do really but it's like if i watch something really intently when i close my eyes it's all i see that's why i can't play video games if i play video games for like hours and close my eyes all i see is that video it's the Tetris effect. Yeah, dude. Because everybody started playing Tetris hard, and then all they saw was fucking blocks. Probably.

They'd close their eyes and see blocks. That's what happens with video games especially. If I play Call of Duty for a while, I'll start scanning the roofs. When I start walking on the street, I'm like, that's a vantage point. Dude, I'm telling you. I just become a trooper. I mean, it's in me.

So then you go to bed, and you just see some lady with a vantage point. Dude, I'm telling you. I just become true. I mean, it's in me. So then you go to bed and you just like see just some lady with a fucking beanie on just fucking like, and you're like, go away. I've never had it with porn. I've done with you. I've never had it with porn. Oh, I've had it with porn. It sucks. Really? You close your eyes and you see like a lady.

You see the porn and you're just like, all right, enough. I'm done. Yeah. Go away. I'll put on my richard dawkins audiobook yes i don't have much like shame about it or anything all right good it's just like i just do it and i'm just going like i'm knocking myself a rung down the ladder of enlightenment i guess it's shame yeah you're not though yeah there's nothing wrong with it's not wrong it's just kind of like i could use my time like So this is my hang-up in a nutshell.

So I'm sitting there. I can't sleep. My head, I go. I think I might be your imp. You think so? I'm like, yes, do it. Just do it. I do.

I start thinking about you. I'm like, Shane would be totally jerking off right now. I would be jerking off. Yeah, I'd be fast asleep. Would you ever sneak away? What? Would you sneak to catch faps? Or are you kind of a cum camel? Yeah, would you sneak away? What? How would you... Would you sneak to catch faps, or are you kind of more... What, when I live with a lady?

Are you a cum camel? Yeah. Would you, like, sneak away? Are you more of one of those cum camel types who just wait? Once the sexual intercourse dried up? Yeah. True. Yeah, because for a while, like, early in a relationship, you can, like, wake someone

up and fuck them. Yeah. Shit's nice. Oh, yeah. They are even into it. They rub their butt against you when you're sleeping. They want something. So buttery, dude. Wake up. It it's like the bagel stays butter dude at the beginning half asleep like whoa this is great yeah you feel a squirm but yeah then you start to hate each other so yeah you gotta eventually you're like get your fucking gross butt off me

ew i'm like come on baby let's have sex just in her ear yeah and you try to have sex from like the side and it's not there anymore what happens to the side sex it goes man it goes with the past that's heavy audition phase man that is

some dude some old laborer hit me with audition phase one time and I was like that's not a thing he's like you'll see I remember being like

wow yeah he's like oh dude I was like dude she does this she's gonna cook me dinner he's like yeah she's in the audition phase dude And I was like

Nuh uh Yeah You're just a fucking angry old man Fuck you She loves me so much Yeah the audition phase Is absolutely when the side sex Is involved

Yeah Then it's just Down to missionary and top And her on top That's it Oh yeah Tossing some dog dude Dogs are mainstay

Big time That's I mean that's That's the Some that's the dog style some dog style 100 just look down just look at that fucking look at that hole down that butthole i'm gonna touch that i'm gonna touch that thing i'm gonna try to touch it get off me that's all i got left is touching that butthole that stays That stays. Luckily, that's like the thing that stays through the audition phase. Just having a nice, just being like, oh, I came.

Oh, okay, I'm done. That's the panic button, dude. Oh, you don't like this? No, I'm done. Yeah, the audition phase is very, and you know, guys have the audition phase. I pretend I'm not a psycho. True. I'm like, oh, nice guy. I would never i would never what put you down i would never put you down like a year into it i'm like you know you're a fucking idiot yeah i i uh it's so funny dude i did the same exact thing it's like first three dates i'm like let's go out let's go dancing let's go do this

let's all do this and dude it's like probably gonna go home read some you know read some steinbeck chill big time it's like i'm not telling her about the nine hours of fifa no no way they can't know they can't know until we live together slowly unravel that yep yeah i had uh yeah it's at the point now she'd be like let's go out to eat i'm like what's the point of going to a restaurant at all dude we're making sushi for valentine's day oh that was big homemade sushi big win yeah real going out to do you ever go to dinner on valentine's day to like it's fucking sucks yeah especially now oh jesus christ especially in new york you'll be in some like wood shed with a space heater oh yeah there's all there's it's it's again heavy audition phase vibes when you go out to dinner on valentine Day, it's all people have been dating for like

six months. They like I will get up to go to the bathroom and be like, like, will you fucking knock it off? Come on. Come on, dude. True. Just go out to dinner. Complain about how expensive it is on the way home.

Get a handjob three days later after the dust settles. Dude, don't be a fucking become a man. Dude, for real. That's number one of being a man, dude. Is't be a fucking asshole. Become a man. Dude, for real. That's number one of being a man, dude. Is not enjoying time with women? No, no, not that. Because I agree. Because I've become a full man lately.

Are you really? Yeah, I don't know what happened. No, the whole move is just being like, first of all, if you get caught arguing with a lady, your fault, no matter what. That's your bad. No. If you get caught arguing and you get angry, that's on you.

I've learned this. This is only yourself to be mad at. All you have to do is just be like, hey, as soon as the voice gets raised, all you have to do is go, hey, man, just because you're loud doesn't mean you're right. Let's take a break. Yeah, but what if you get falsely accused of screaming? Because that's usually in the playbook. You're yelling.

It's like, no no i'm not you have to go that's what that's the one you got to say no i'm not instead of no now i'm screaming this is what i sound like is that how i said it yeah no for real it's like when you were just yeah or yeah like well you were yelling at me it's like no i definitely wasn't it's like you yeah you were and they just get louder and you do this go like this this is how you're gonna talk i'm not getting yelled at i'll take a break we'll come we'll reconvene you have to i'm telling you dude when dudes fight with girls i just go that's your bad shake my damn head that's your bad again we can all get caught in it 100 but it's like that's that passion dude it burns they fucking skull especially when women are dumb when they're getting fucking dumb as fuck they're dumb as fuck and they're saying something yeah i can't that's that's my i have

a real tough time with that i have a tough time with that when anybody does something that i can't figure out why they would do it yeah i don't shut the fuck up about when you can't when you can't what pertain the motive when you can't pin the motives pin a motive or like like what are you being why are you acting indignant yeah you're the one who fucked this up or like, what are you being? Why are you acting indignant? Yeah. You're the one who fucked this up. Or like, you are. Yeah. When it's like, why are you mad?

Like, my ex would spaz if we were late. And like, we'd be going to my parents' house. We'd be five minutes late. Yeah. Silent car ride. And I'm like, we're going to my parents' house. Like, don't worry about it. And she'd be like, I'm not mad. You're making me mad now. And it's like, fuck. You're my parents' house. Like, don't worry about it. And she'd be like, I'm not mad. You're making me mad now.

And it's like, fuck. You're like, I know this isn't true. Yeah, what you're saying is false. This is a falsehood, you wench. Yeah, man, I'm telling you. That's the move. It's like you can't ever. But we were late because I was playing FIFA.

Really? You know, a lot of times we'd be late because I'd be like, hold on. We're in the 75th minute. Have you ever been late because of her? fifa so really you know a lot of times we'd be late because i'd be like hold on there's we're in the 75th minute have you ever been late because of her uh almost definitely yeah yeah yeah so any any kind of equality for like well just imagine how mad you'd be right i'd be right now dude you just have to that's the hardest thing to put down forgo that argument of like just imagine if the roles were reversed right now yeah dude because never mind yeah dude no you're imagining women can also imagine they imagine do you think they met i don't think they dream it's different they don't dream they wake up and lie about dreams every woman's dream journal is just her making up i don't think they

i don't think they sleep i think they not sleep. I think they just lay there and just imagine different ways you can betray them and wake up and be like, I had a dream last night. You cheat. You fucking pig. You bitch. I know you weren't sleeping.

You guys don't sleep. They don't sleep and they don't dream. They're lying about dreams. If you find the dream journal, it is entirely made up stories. Falsehoods, dude. Yes.

It's just lies they're planning to tell. That's all they do. They wake up and be like, I had a dream last night. It's like, why are you lying? You didn't. Why are you lying to my face?

Dude, I can't wait to hold it down. I'm like, dude, I know you don't sleep. You guys can't sleep. I know you don't sleep. That's why, dude, did you ever notice women will get hangovers and just pop up? Women plow through hangovers. Dude, it's crazy. They'll just be like, oh, yeah, I fell over last night.

They'll just be out doing yoga, and you're like, huh? If I fell over drunk, I'm in a coma for three days. Yeah, dude. I mean, you've seen many podcasts. That's because you need sleep. You've seen podcasts where I've fallen over the night before, and it's just. Yeah, dude. Last week.

Last week, I was like, yo, you got to carry this episode. That's because men have muscles, and men need sleep. When we don't have any muscles, we, you got to carry this episode. That's because men have muscles and men need sleep. Women don't have any muscles and don't need to sleep. Exactly. That's why we have dreams. It's when our muscles are being built. I hate seeing youngsters that just think hangovers are nothing. Yeah, it's a funny one to watch.

It's like, yeah, don't get hungover. It's like, yeah, you will. Well, it's like, yeah, it's because your organs haven't started to fail you yet. Yeah. But they'll catch up to you. Yeah. We'll start sending you some messages. I'm telling you, that's something you got to do.

You have to make a decision around, I think, around 30-ish to be like, I'm a drinker or I'm not a drinker. Yeah. You can't go either. I mean, I don't know anyone who just has a couple. I mean, I know a couple people, but they're very few and far between. And I think even they, every now and again, wake up and they're like they're like oh yeah it's like you have like a quick six yeah because if you have like two beers oh yeah you can get hung over all fucking three beers yeah for sure yeah and it's also like i was running it last two weeks matt yeah i'm not beer bragging i hate to be an 8th grader on this how many beers

you have I've done the math on the last cause two weeks I've done shows basically I hate beer bragging right now I sat there I was like man I feel like shit and it's like yeah I must have had 150 Miller Lights

in two weeks yeah I probably had 150 beers. I was easily drinking 10 plus beers a night for two weeks. Oh, my God. I woke up like, man, I can't believe it. Oh, yeah. It was probably 150 Miller Lights. Oh, dude, the battles I was getting in.

You get into a 100 plus beer streak. Yeah, dude. the battles I was getting in. You get into a 100-plus beer streak. Yeah, dude. You get in that kill streak, you run into, like, I was arguing with, like, pizza companies, dude. I was calling, like, you fucking tricked me on your Grubhub, you motherfucker. I got in a battle in Raleigh. You probably got the drones inactivated in Call of Duty battles,

like, sequence activated. Oh, dude. Just with that drone where you control it, just never hit anyone. Hit a roof every time. Someone shoots you while you're looking at your tackle box bomb. I got in a battle with, I don't want to name the pizza company because a lot of people will probably DM them or something. But there's a pizza place in Raleigh, North Carolina, and I, you know, a couple of millilites deep. Sure. dm them or something true but there's a there's a pizza place in raleigh north carolina and i

you know a couple miller lights deep sure d or not dm'd uh grubhubbed they had a thing called wacky wednesdays okay all right now it's friday so i was a little put off by this there's trapping wait what it was friday and they had a deal called wacky wednesdays on their grubhub the fuck all right it's called Gumby's Pizza. Okay. They rule. Here's the problem. Don't attack them.

I was wrong. Really? I was one eye on the Grubhub, so I misread the stipulations of Wacky Wednesday. So it was like one large pizza, pepperoni rolls, or something else. So I ordered a large pizza, click that, done. Yeah. Then I'm like, oh, six pepperoni rolls, definitely. Add that, 17 bucks, what a deal.

Yeah. I'm feeding me, Wood, and O'Connie's. We're going to feast. Yeah. Order it, it gets there. You know how, like, when you order, I guess you don't. What, Grubhub? Yeah, when you're sitting there waiting for, like, an hour for Grubhub,

and you're like, oh, I can't wait. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I was going to stipulate the drunk part where you're like, where is it? Oh, Jesus. It's like it's been 10 minutes. No, it wasn't hammered, but, you know, they were building up. Yeah. And just the pepperoni rolls came.

Oh, stop, dude. And I was like, you forgot the pizza. And the guy was like, oh, I'll go back and check at the restaurant. And I was like, all right, thanks. Like, I'm not a dickhead. I wasn't being like, where the fuck is it? You're pretty nice to customers.

I used to be a motherfucker. I'm always nice to customer service, except when I called the pizza place. I was like, hey, I think you guys forgot the pizza. And the girl who worked there was like, yeah, I know, it's a fucked up, like, it's it's weird we get this a lot it's weird to order like that on grubhub it looks like you get both but you actually only get one so i was like i paid 25 for six fucking pepperoni rolls dude how wacky is this wednesday it's wacky wednesday dude well here's

the thing gumby's pizzas are in college towns only yeah so they're probably dealing with just college kids yeah get tricked like all right whatever dude life's a highway they didn't know they were running in they didn't know they were running into a fat buzzsaw just in a hotel in a hotel by himself like where the fuck is my pizza just like a pizza constitutionalist you're like I will not be I will not have my rights infringed upon so then the lady's like yeah my manager's he's not gonna give you the pizza and i was like can i speak to your manager and she was like yeah of course well i get on dude this guy sounded like you ever hear like zach alfanaka still his southern accent yeah he's just like gonna be pizza hello and i was just like you fucking confederate traitor and i was like, you fucked me on this deal.

Yeah. He's like, where's the pizza? Give me the job, dude. I was like, you fucked me. And he was like, well, I'm sorry. You're going to have to take that up with Grubhub. And I was like, thanks for your fucking enthusiasm, dude. And he was like, well, thank you, sir.

It was just the most, it was a gay battle. Did you get the pizza? Didn't get the pizza. What? But pepperoni rolls, They were so good. What? The pepper rolls were so good that- You rolled over.

Water under the bridge. But, yeah, we called them back the next night. Got some more pepperoni rolls. Did you really? So the same night, then the woodman ordered a pizza. Why didn't you just have them deliver? They're a pizza place. They would have sent it right.

They would have- I would have had to buy another pizza at that point. And also, I just motherfucked the manager true i didn't want to order from them yeah you know so how does this even work so on their grub hub you order both i might be able to show you i bet they still have this goddamn trick up it is a scam so you order both and they say oh sorry it only you paid sorry yeah it says one large pizza pepperoni rolls or another thing and it looks like you get one large pizza and then you pick which side turns out you just get the pep rolls what they got me that's fucked up man anyway i'm not gonna look up i'm not gonna look

up wacky wednesdays but yeah that's a trap so then me and o'connor wake up the next day after woodman ordered pizza yeah Yeah. Pizza was terrible. I don't know. It was not from Gumby's. It was not from Gumby's. Gumby's makes, that's the thing. Make good pizza. You can't argue with them.

Yeah. Because it's very good. Yeah, they can kind of. The pepperoni rolls were, I'd pay $1,000 for these things. Really? It wasn't about the money at this point. It was about being tricked by Wacky Wednesdays. True.

But Woodman ordered pizza that was like cold mush it was terrible it was one of the worst it felt like it was like dining it was college like dining room dining hall pizza it was terrible damn we'd had a couple millers and buds so it did taste good yeah at the time yeah woke up the next morning horrible heartburn felt terrible oh it's like that fucking pizza wood ordered sucked called up the pepperoni rolls the next night did you hit there obviously well 150 beers are these like chocino 150 beers obviously i'm only eating pepper rolls that'd be nice if you started doing like just eating pepperoni rolls so you can keep on drinking instead of doing coke like dude i just need to stay up a little longer

yeah just order some yeah let me fight a grub manager. That's your Vaseline for your stomach, dude. Throw some pepperoni rolls. Your stomach lining is like, all right, we're good. That's the other thing. Me and O'Connor both got, like, real sick from pepperoni rolls twice. What? First time we thought it was a false flag. We blamed the shitty pizza Wood ordered.

Wow. Then we got just the pepper rolls. It was, in fact, the pepper rolls that were causing. You guys had heartburn? Heartburn, farts, hard farts. Jesus, man. Damn. Yeah.

Well, it's also the beers, too, will do it. Yeah, the beers will get you. That many Bud Lights in a row? Yeah, man. Miller Lights. But yeah, these Pep Rolls are designed for college kids. Yeah. So they probably don't get too many complaints.

Because you've got that college kid stomach. You're just like, all right. Yeah, true. You don't get fucking heartburn. Yeah. You know? Yeah, dude, I've always been a star customer service battle guy. That's a good story.

That's a good story. I was about midway through that thing. Like, hopefully we can get out of this. That's good stuff. You see alexander dude you're gonna like okay good i uh you're gonna like see those lady boys getting trounced does he do a speech in the movie several with the one where he's like he's several where the people turn on him yes dude that's a sick speech yeah where he's like i want greatness dude you guys are fucking bailing on me he talks about my father no he sends at the end of alexander sent his troops home at a certain point they crushed so hard he was like hey for all the older soldiers like yeah you guys did it go home and they started

being like fuck you dude we're not fucking gay he's like never said you guys are gay no in the movie all his troops are being gay and they're like dude we've in their defense they'd been on campaign for about eight years yeah non-stop-stop. They reached the whole way to, like, India. Yeah. From, like, Greece. And they were like, dude, what are we doing? Can we stop? These guys have elephants.

We've never seen these things. We're getting fucked up. Yeah, he's like, no. And then, yeah, he was like, I'm going to go. You guys can go home if you're gay. I think after that he gave the speech where he eventually was like, all right, dudes. Because, yeah, because they tried to chicken out on him, I think. Yeah.

And he, like, in the one speech he talked about his dad, he's like, dude, my dad put Macedonia on the map. And then. Phillip, I believe. Yeah. And then I come up. Kind of like me. Damn, dude.

I was just saying, there's a lot of similarities. Can you change your name legally to Shane the Great? Alexander the Great. Shane the Great. Shane the Great. Perhaps. You might have to change your name before you go down to Alabama. Before you do that show in Alabama, it must be Shane the Great. Alexander the Great. Shane the Great. Shane the Great. Perhaps. You might have to change your name before you go down to Alabama.

Before you do that show in Alabama, it must be Shane the Great. It is, for real, a black comic name. Shane the Great. Ha ha. Shane the Great funny man. LeMary,

how come you don't have a black stage name? Well, never mind. You kind of have the blackest name I've ever heard. How come you don't have a black stage name? Well, never mind. You kind of have the blackest name I've ever heard. How come you don't have a – have you ever considered one? No, I've never even considered one. What do you think you'd go with?

Lemare So Crazy. That's correct. So good. Honestly, I thought it was going to be terrible. I thought you were going to say, like, Lemare from up the block. But Keith rules. I know. But going to be terrible. I thought you were going to say like La Mer from Up the Block. But Keith rules. I know. But La Mer so crazy.

Is there ever any like battles over like people stealing each other's like stage handles? I love beat the cheeks. Beat the cheeks is nice. Beat the cheeks. Beat the cheeks is so funny. It's also funny to have a name.

Dude, you have names like that Then you bomb Like to have a wild name Be like yo crazy man LeMaire You go on stage and bomb You're like fuck you pussies Black comedy names rule What would you go with?

Oh man I was calling myself Problem Child For a little bit Problem Child That is a couple people's names. Really? There's several Problem Childs floating around. Yeah.

I don't know. I can't, I don't know if I can come up with a name like that. You could go with Twizzded. Twizzded? Just Twizzded. True. White Boy Matt? White Boy Matt?

White Boy Matt. There's a lot of white boys, too. True. Who was talking about where they always just had one, like, white geezer? Was that us? White boy Matt. White boy Matt. There's a lot of white boys, too. True. Who was talking about where they always just had one white geezer? Was that us? Oh, the Laugh House? Every black show I've done, they usually had one old geezer white dude in rotation that kind of sucked.

Yeah, there's a... I think there's a thing. I think it's good practice to throw a white dude on the flyer. Yeah. That's always what I heard. Which doesn't make much sense. I think you's like good practice to throw like a white dude on the flyer. Yeah. That's always what I heard. Which doesn't make much sense. I think you just chuck. Because they typically don't do great. Chuck a honk. I think you just chuck a honk on the flyer.

It really is like a honk like they just trot him out to be like, look at this fucking white guy. They literally bring it. It's like an exotic creature. My name will be Wild Boy Gary Owens. McCusker, dude. Wild Boy Gary. Wild Boy Gary Owens. Fuck, I was problem child My name will be Wild Boy Gary Owens. McCusker, dude. Wild Boy Gary. Wild Boy Gary Owens.

Fuck, I was Problem Child. I might be Wild Boy. I think somebody jokingly had a Problem Child. Really? I forget. Yeah, the stage names fucking rule. Problem Child. The show format is my favorite.

It's opener. Host for 45 minutes. Well, first off, it's DJ for two hours past when the show is supposed to start. Hosts, solid 40. Easily.

Seven different guys go up and then they're like, yo, we got a special treat for y'all. White boy, funny man, Matt. Hello, dating? Dating's weird. Does anybody else use dating apps?

Fuck you. Yeah, that was always fun hello dating dating is weird does anybody else use dating apps fuck you yeah that was always fun doing black shows and like just watching people slowly look up for it would take about like five minutes and then people would slowly look up it was like you would get a couple people on your side people start laughing then you see people slowly put their phones down and you see like some dude if you got the guy who said to roast somebody well yeah that's if you take a shot at somebody everyone's like oh especially with a black reference oh yeah damn he's cool that's a crush that's a big yeah it's a nice crutch thing that helps i would gauge it if i could get the guy who was wearing sunglasses inside to laugh

then you then you start to win the hearts and minds of everybody there's a one dude who shows up and just like fucking huge sunglasses inside. Stunner's on. Stunner's on. If you get him going, dude, it's like, you won. What's worse than bombing at a black show? Oh.

Ooh, I don't know. Especially at a... It stinks. At Warm Daddy's, people just start eating. Oh, God. Everybody's got dinner in front of them, so they just literally, like one minute into you bombing,

they're like, mm-mm. Like very audibly like no yeah start hearing the clank of silverware and you're just like fuck and then the dj brings you up real dramatically he's like give her it up for me and you come up and you're like uh can you guys can you guys hear me back there i don't know guys are having a full-blown conversation yeah you get it you get a minute and that's the one crowd you can't be like hey could you shut up oh hell no you're just gonna get the fuck beat out of you they always did bother me though you'd get a lot of comics you'd be like i'm sorry this is my time like you get

them an open mic so it'd be like i'm sorry this is my time to do this and help me it's like dude shut up and do your fucking stuff they used to bother the fuck out of me. I think I did that at Raven once. Really? But not for me. Oh, no. I mean, that's... It was like, literally, I went to... One of the last times I went to Raven,

whoever was on stage, everybody in the room was just talking. Yeah, it's all comics. And I get it, because you've seen the act. You know they kind of suck. It's like, we're just...

This is another... We got to waste five minutes and listen to this, but... Yeah. Yeah, I got up there. I was like, what are you guys doing here? Yeah. What's the point of this if you're not everybody's is this just us hanging out yeah well that was all comics yeah i'm talking about someone yeah yeah watching

the crowd who was engaged for other people and then they would start to bomb and be like oh my god like are you fucking serious you fucking cunt bitch and it's like hey dude you were kind of just bombing there. Yeah. I've seen that movie. I've seen people turn on those jets. Judy Gold did that at the Voss roast. Literally everyone murdered.

And then she bombed. And then while she was out there, she's like, oh, if a man was saying it, you'd all be laughing. Well, it would be funny. Then it would be funny. But also, Bonnie hosted the thing and murdered. Oh. So it's like... Wrong.

Sorry. Sorry. What's Trump up to right now? I haven't been following... I know. I think about him a lot. They push him out of the news cycle, man. He's back.

He fucking wrote a letter to the head of SAG. What? And he was like, beat it, pussy. Yeah, it was pretty tight. Wait, so now he's resorted to letters now? Yeah, he's writing his letter. He just writes full letters to people with the seal of the former president of the United States. He started his own office.

What? The office of the former president of the United States. Fuck, dude. What's he up to? He's just fucking balling out. What do you think? True. What is he up to?

I haven't heard anything about him. Is he up to anything? I haven't heard anything about him. Stunners, what do you got? I haven't heard anything about them. Is he up to anything? I haven't heard anything about them. Stoners, what do you got? They have, dude, there's this store near my house that sells like basically knickknacks

for like rich, like kind of younger white people who live in cities. Yeah. They have, they sell political action figures. So they have one of Joe Biden, his action figure slogan on the side of the box that says truth over lies. And then they have one of rbg it says like i think it says like dissidents or something or something like kind of like yeah revolution she resisted yeah it's something like that and she was in the supreme court of the

united states she was she literally was the system yeah dude they have these action figures and people buy them around i've seen them in the windows where they'll put their favorite politicians and it's just like, holy fuck, man. These are, you know, I wouldn't say this area is super hip. I wouldn't get action figures of superheroes. No, that's weird. That's weird.

That's weird. As an adult. Yeah. You toss in a fucking RBG bobblehead. It almost shows you almost exactly like people kind of on some level know that it's all fake and bullshit but rooted on for some reason it's like dude a fucking joe biden action figure that says truth over lies damn i had a nice bobblehead collection when i was a kid did

you really forgot about you betty mcguire i had a notre dame bobblehead guy from like my dad so it was old i had an ai tight alan iverson bobblehead pretty sick i think i had a farve he was standing in lambo throwing the ball sorry got me fired up on that farve rules yeah that fucked me up dude seeing the uh the political action figures it's just like what the fuck is this there's a story in my house it's political political action figures and there's a book children's but that's a new thing now you do super woke children's books so there's a book called anti-racist baby and yeah dude it's fucked you walk by and it's just kind of like i've read actually amazon did just to like look to see like so i can see the insides it's like it's just fucking weird to think you'd be the funniest

thing about giving kids like racial like the idea of a like a highly racially charged children's book is you were at like in 15 years from now the landscape will no doubt be totally different yeah so you're just inculcating your kid with just like out of date extreme inculcating 11 30 on the sats dude all verbal 11 70 chilling yeah but my math was so low. My math was terrible. Really? Perfect score on English. Stop. No way. Couldn't think of a word. Couldn't defend myself with a word.

Yeah, you know what? Speaking of the landscape changing, I was watching the Ken Burns thing on jazz. He has a jazz documentary. Yeah. It's pretty sick. My whole life have been very much like black people didn't invent music they kind of did to some extent it's funny they literally like we've been listening to black music since like the civil war like all

ever since they swapped it up we've been like throughout history since then we've been like drake rules like no matter what yeah the most popular music is that for the most part. But it was funny to listen to like the African-American historians. Just the way they talked in 2001, I think, when this documentary came out versus how they would have handled it today. What were they talking about? They were just much more like this guy was like Louisiana or like New Orleans was like a gumbo. Like we all were different, but we all still work together like we made it work you can't have gumbo without you know the rue you need different people working together it's like oh that's a nice way to put it

the rue no just like you know what rue is uh no not exactly he's calling it was a fucking that's a slur dude a rue is like a flower It's a floury mixture you thicken it with. Yeah, that's not. No, no. It's a slur, dude. No. I know. No.

He was just saying you can't make it. It's not gumbo without the roux. Heard that, yeah. It might be a good soup. It ain't gumbo. It ain't gumbo. Some thick, pasty whites. Thick, pasty whites that invented the horns. Pardon me. It did bother me, though. thick pasty whites that invented the horns pardon me

it did bother me though and i i've done this before where i've harped against this it annoys me it's like they might have invented a genre but why are we like oh well they're allowed to appropriate previous music yeah as soon as they do it, it's theirs. Yeah, it's one of those, again. And it's not just black people that I'm saying this about. It's like anybody, nothing's new like that. Like you can't just be like, this is mine. If it's something like music.

Yeah. Or singing. It's like, where'd that come from? Obviously it came from something. It's one of those arguments. There's no Big Bang in music. No, it's one of those arguments there's no big bang in music no it's one of those arguments where there's a big band true it's one of those arguments that it's kind of one of those shame on you if you're in the argument you're like well i know i know and then i can't sit here and be like oh did they yeah that dude

going off inventions racial inventions and being like yeah how many people who kind of vaguely look like me invented, dude? Yeah. Please. Dude, I've seen wild Twitter battles about that. It's really funny. Being like, white people never invented anything. White people being like, actually, there's a lot of stuff. We talked about Google American Inventor.

See what comes up. What happens? Just black people. Really? Google's in on it. The is in dude pb was a big one dude peanut butter that was a game come on man no dude no hard to just eat almond butter knowing pb's out there i i chose almond butter today i got a granola bar also how did you invent that wild the man is that wild what was your name no No. Fuck. No, dude, that's pretty sick.

No, that's junk, dude. What's junk? American inventors. If you Google all the images that come up, it's just black dudes. The first one that comes up is Thomas Edison, though. Sick. It'd be tough to leave him out on that one. There's obviously a patriot somewhere there at Google who's like,

I'm not leaving him out. Yeah, it's like, we got to put this guy in. Wait, so where? Is that real? Pull that up. Yeah, it's like, we got to put this guy in. Wait, so where? Is that real? Pull that up. Yeah, it's up. Is it as Shane says? Mostly black people, yeah.

Alex Graham and the Brown Bills on it. Wait, was Alexander Graham, bro, not black? No. No. I mean, was he black? I didn't think he was black. No, he was honking. Eli Whitney's on there as well.

Which you'd think they'd leave him off. I know, you would. In front of the cotton gin Yeah He's a Tesla of his time Yeah First Thomas Edison George Washington Carver

Lewis Howard Latimer So you're saying they're trying to rewrite your history They did Blackface Alexander Graham Bell Hard as shit Morgan Garrett Elijah McCoy Madame Madame CJ Walker. Oh, it's probably...

Granville Woods. Dude, it's BHM. Do you correct madam over madame? Thank you, Lamar. Google probably BHM'd the algorithm for a minute. What do you mean? It's fucking in February, bro. No, it's been like this.

Really? Forever. Dude, the funniest thing about these things disseminating. You got Franklin all the way, way late behind fucking Lewis Howard Latimer. Come on. You don't know what Harris Latimer invented? What did he invent? He was like a patent.

Hot air balloon. He was like a patent on the light bulb. No, he actually invented like a, yeah. What? What Shane said. He was like a side patent on an invention. Really? How does that work?

A lot of these are like, I mean, I'm not, don't make me disparage these great African-American inventors. Yeah, Joe. I mean, I'm being forced into this. Like, man, if you're going to tweak my hand. It is funny when people notice that and they're just like what the fuck call your it's just kind of weird like do me a favor and uh google i wonder if how it is for everything like that like a man well google got in trouble because they were found to be doing the opposite where like they were saying like there was like biases

that come with algorithms because since the algorithms are primarily, not to say that white people are inventing algorithms, but since they were being programmed typically by white people, the algorithms themselves would be biased going forward. Yeah, just like the SAT. Yeah. So they're saying they were trying to make an effort to make them less racist, and I guess they fucking won.

So they're like, yep, nope. They didn't get American painters painters i'll tell you that they got the honks pretty heavy in this one dude how about the uh the hubbleoo about the super bowl commercials first of all i was stunned i saw the woodman oh you know i had no idea yeah i knew popa mckeever were up to something i know the woodman was up the woodman was in it i man. The Woodman was in it. I was stoked, man. Yeah, that was fun. It was funny watching people spaz about commercials, and it was just kind of like, that was nuts, to see people like, this is fucking outrageous.

Oh, I couldn't believe it. And then I started thinking, like, times I watch commercials, and I'm like, what are they trying to say here? And I'm like, yeah, fuck, damn it. True. I've done it. Fuck. Yeah, but the stuff you're getting upset, I guess. Yeah, true.

No, I'm telling you. It was just like corporate lecture after corporate lecture of like america's great we need to come together true tampons yeah true it was like yeah it was more of a meta picture you're right yeah yeah this was a i was a little hungover before the super bowl and i got pretty emotional a couple times why there was one of where it was just talking to all the parents, girlfriends and shit of the players and they were talking about how proud they were of the guys.

Yeah. And I was just laying in my bed like, so sweet. Yeah. And then, Proud thing gets me every now and again.

I'll see that. Parental pride. Yeah, dude. I was watching. Your bae's proud of you? Your bae's on camera like, I'm fucking so proud of this guy.

I'm sitting there like, I wish I had a bae that was proud of me. bae's on camera like i'm fucking so proud of this guy i'm sitting there i wish i had a bae that was proud of me my dad thinks i'm gay yeah dude i'm telling you i was watching the avatar the last airbender recently also i'm almost done i'm almost done i'm on the siege of the fire nation last episode season three it's fantastic but yeah they do the thing like the uncle uncle suko is very proud of his – no, I think it's Prince Suko. His uncle, whatever his name is, Dragon of the West. Ira, yes. I was going to say.

He's like – You've got a black autist right here. That's anime Wikipedia over there. But, yeah, he says he's like, your mother would be very proud. I'm just like – just instant. My body just goes instant to about to cry. If I'm hungover, I'm very emotional. Yeah.

I can cry very easily. Yep. Got a little teary. And then there was one of Vince Lombardi just walking through America these days. Just like,

we gotta fucking rise up. How old's Vince Lombardi? He's a geez. He's dead. Okay. Hologram? Yeah, they hologrammed Vince, walked him around,

fired up. Dude. Again. He was talking, he's like, I think he, I don't even, I didn't think it was a Vince Lombardi quote, but it must be, again he was talking he's like I think he I don't even I didn't think it was a Vince Lombardi quote

but it must be but he was just like talking about how the best feeling in the world's laying on the field of battle vanquished

after victory though hell yeah I think I got the wrong word there no that's 800 that's 800 SHJ dude man I got no West Point you floundered at Drexel I think I got the wrong word there. No, that's 800 SHJ. Vanquished is definitely lost. That's 800 SHJ, dude. Man, I got no West Point. You floundered at Drexel.

You know how it is to be laid destroyed on the battlefield, Victorious? Yeah, that's it. True, true. That's the fucking quote, dude. Give it your all. I'm going to look it up, you piece of shit. I'm talking about giving it your all. Exactly. That's what I'm talking about.

And then rising up together. And just getting up off the field. Dude, you know what kind of bummed me out a little bit about the Super Bowl? I only caught the Matthew McConaughey commercial. And I don't know, dude. Like I said, I don't like to obviously go make millions of dollars doing that. But I saw McConaughey, dude, hawking 3D Doritos and was like, fuck, man. I saw Drake on the insurance. I was like, this kind of bums bums me out i don't know why i don't know what it is about

it i just go like fuck just the mcconaughey man dude i just he's exhausted vanquished whatever no i think vanquished means literally defeated we're exhausted no i don't think it means he's off i think i think the vanquished means yes you've been defeated what vanquished porn i hit windows on my it's just porn dude they gotta reckon they gotta make a thing for that when you fap and you forget you leave it up and you open your phone you're like oh especially definition defeat thoroughly you can still win dude 100 no i hear you man what does vanquish come on dude there's nothing worse than whipping out your phone seeing porn and you're with bae and you just go you put it back and it's instantly just kind of

like all right keep it cool don't pull your phone right back out wait a second and then you're just fucking like i wonder uh you kind of tilt it a little bit because you got to first of all you got to turn down the volume because it's like did i leave it up with the audio yeah so right away phase one of the operation you go in turn that volume down all the way a nice button i think if you hold the button down it goes all the way if you if you get spotted seeing what do one of these like what are you doing let's turn my volume down all the way and then you wait you just kind of strike up convo see if they're in their phone and you go i wonder if uh blah blah blah's open pull it up hit that x dude that's terrifying yeah sucks when you pull

up your phone you have fucking lights on especially plug it in plug your latina plug in the ox oh my in the in the roles it used to have scrolling yeah that shitty remember that shitty old cd player thing yes yeah it would scroll in writing whatever was on your phone so occasionally i'd plug in the ox to my phone and it would still be porn oh it would just be like big booty like scroll across and yours played like steps on porn oh step mom porn oh dude you just hop in your car you're like fuck there was something i wanted to tell you talking about lombardi hologram oh it was getting emotional but no it was about porn i think what it? Oh, one time I brought up my... You know how it's most frequent on your Safari search?

Yeah. Like there's icons at the bottom? Well, I go... You don't go into... Have you been such a rogue agent that you don't pull up like an incognito browser? No, never. What? Dude.

Who cares? That's Ronin, dude. Why? Who cares? So you don't have that kind of... You don't have junk popping up on that. I don't even mind, bro. When you're a lone wolf. True. That's Ronin, dude. Why? Who cares? So you don't have that kind of, you don't have junk popping up on that. I don't even mind, bro. When you're a lone wolf.

True. That's fucking sick. There's nothing you need to fear. Although one time I brought it up and one of these was the pee for porn. It's just a yellow block pee. And a girl was like, watching a lot of porn. And I was like, slut, how do you know that? Slut, how do you know what the p means dude i remember i got a kindle uh for my birthday during my first marriage i didn't know girls who watch porn oh dude very negligible that was a test

you bitch you failed disgusting dude i uh true that is absolute trouble i got a kindle for like my birthday when I was married. First marriage. Back when I was a porn addict. I ruined it. The, uh... I got a Kindle and I didn't know about that whole thing. Like, it would show you like your top sites.

I remember I just was excited to have something bigger than my phone to like jerk off with. Dude, I was fapping my brain. On a Kindle. I couldn't get that shit off there. It was just there. There's nothing like... I couldn't... There wasn't much more stuff I could look at.

And, you know, maybe there was. But, dude, I fried that thing to the point where it's just like the Pornhub shit. Every time I'd open those windows, it would just always pop up. And I'm like, fuck. I had porn on. I had a Kindle, except mine was the old one. Yeah, that's what I had. So it was like the screen looked like text.

Oh, you had the old, old one. Yeah, like it looked like the page of a book. Yeah. And you could look porn on it. Now, it didn't move, but you could get a pornographic picture. I wasn't jerking off to it. I just thought it looked... I wouldn't judge you if you were.

I was like, I want to see if this thing gets porn. Dude, jerking off the pics is straight as hell, dude. On a book page? You could have watched Savita Bobby. Savita Bobby would have made me explode. Dude, jerking off the pics is straight as fuck, dude. Jerking off the pics is as straight as it gets. I might start keeping a crumpled pic in my wallet and just busting it out every now and then.

Now you're bringing me back to the Pacific. That's what the boys were doing. You'd get one picture of a girl who kissed it with lipstick and everyone was like, Give me that, dude. Let me borrow that. Jerk off. Just looking at lips. It's hot as fuck me that, dude. Let me borrow that. Let me jerk off. Just looking at, like, lips. It's hot as fuck.

Two guys got in a fight about that. Last chapter I read. They were mortar squad, so they were firing mortars, and when they opened the ammo crate, whoever the lady was that worked at the ammo factory, like, kissed a note with her lipstick and put it in there, and she was like, way to go, guys. And they got, in the middle of the night, the two dudes, basically it was like lord of the rings they were like that's my precious

like but it's mine give it to me and in the middle of the night they got in a fight in their foxhole over whose the kiss was oh and like all the other guys in their foxholes were like oh shit a japanese got into one of our boys we gotta kill this person like so all of the other soldiers were like we're gonna have we gotta kill this person like so all of the other soldiers were like we're gonna have to fucking kill these guys because they all heard him fighting and then uh eventually one of them responded like they were like who's in there and they're like it's me like what are you guys fighting about they're like he took my fucking picture it was mine damn sledgehammer was just contemplating what that lady must have felt like

she was like oh here's a nice treat for the boys on the front line. Sent it to dudes like, that's mine, motherfucker. She knew what she was doing. She could have never imagined. She knew what she was up to. People back home had no idea. True. Guy like me.

True. That's true. Guy like you down there. Guy like me. I knew all about what it was like in Peleliu. True. I'm surprised you're not PTSDing yourself, dude. I kind of am, dude.

I'm having dreams. Yeah. I'm surprised you're not PTSD-ing yourself, dude. I kind of am, dude. I'm having dreams. Yeah. Yeah. Taking you back, dude. Back to boot camp. No, I did have a boot camp dream again. Did you? Yeah.

You got to read. It's one of those. It's like a high school. How old can you be until you can read a list? Well, that was a big problem in the dream. It was one of those. Do you ever have sports dreams? Or like, I used to have comedy dreams where i just go up and i just go like notes football dreams where like i lost my helmet before the game now i've had now because i'm literally

falling asleep to boot camp stories i'm like i had one and i was like in the middle of this thing and i was like i can't fucking quit again oh like I was going through it and then I was like oh shit I'm like 33 and I was like and then I was about to do football practice and I was like I probably bench like a hundred pounds now like I'm gonna get fucking killed and then I was like oh yeah I'm 33 oh fuck I have a show like next week like I just slowly like talked myself into reality i was like i have to leave because i got to do the dc draft house like and then i like woke up i was like started to realize i was like all right i'm dreaming dude thank god i say this you know what we should do um also i'm sorry go ahead please anytime i talk about west point or any of that it's a complete failure like some of these people think i'm like oh shane thinks he was a fucking like it's a joke failure. What do you mean? Like some of these people think I'm like oh Shane thinks he was a fucking

like it's a joke. Who the fuck's that say? I've seen it. I've seen people be like oh he talks about being a soldier. It's like it was a

complete failure. I mean yeah. I was vanquished. Totally defeated. Yeah but you got up victorious dude. I mean possibly. I was vanquished again.

I rose up. True. Got vanquished pretty hard in this field. Well that's what I'm saying dude for a PR thing we should we could possibly

if we ever needed like a heavy PR spin this is at West Point Hood join the military is it really yeah fuck yeah dude they were wearing cool uniforms

I bought it that's sports apparel yeah thank you we should join join up maybe like you know the uh what's it called

when you go on the weekends RO no not ROTc reserves national guard yeah join up and i'll just i won't kill you but i'll friendly fire you i'll tell me a purple heart tillman you just fucking in the leg i'll blow my fucking hand off true give me a purple heart and then hit the stage dude how do you think i got this fuck yeah i got this i was at indiantap training. Dude, just get a fucking microphone, a wireless mic for a hand. Get a robot hand? We could do that. You could blow my fucking foot off.

I can fucking just hit you and they'll probably kick me out. You'll face the ramification, yeah. I'll be in jail. You'll go to jail, yeah. I'll be in jail, dude. Tom Cruise will come out and persecute you. Military court is probably fucking sick. Probably. How does that even work uh this is a general being like no yeah you're fucked i think yeah military court's usually like a bunch of soldiers raped a lady yeah a female

soldier and then they're like get out of here guys we know you guys get back to work we know you guys are goofing off like five soldiers die and they're like, all right, we're going to have to investigate this. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, military corps. I might want to. Will they let you sit in as a civilian?

Definitely. Show up. I might go and be like, I'm here for the. Take some shrooms, show up. Just be like, hi, I'm here for the military trials. That would be sick, dude, to do mushrooms, go to jury duty. Just show up tripping on jury duty and be like, hi, I'm here for the military trials. That would be sick, dude, to do mushrooms, go to jury duty. Just show up tripping on jury duty and be like, he did it. I can tell he did it. I see his aura.

Clearly unfit. True, yeah. Have you seen auras? Have you ever seen that? Yeah, but I think it's more of an eye thing for me. If I sit and stare at a thing for a while, I think it had to do with when I was in school my last time there, I would stare at the teacher for a while, and they would have like a color thing around – not like a color, more like a white light around them.

I think it was from looking at the screen the whole time though. I would stare at the screen, then look at the person, and it would just be like colors glowing. Yeah, I used to sit there and be like, whoa. I used to go kind of a little stone to school. So, you know, what are you guys in there? What's that kerfuffle?

My coat's not safe. It's just moving. I'm trying to get it comfortable. Your coat's not safe? Jesus fucking Christ. Dude. One job. Not even.

Oh, he says crap. Is there even a job? Is there a job or are you just collecting a paycheck? I think he's just last one here, first one to leave every week. Not a leader. Not the type of guy you want in your locker room. I was here first this week.

This week after being – how late would you guess? Technically, last week I was late. How late would you guess if you had to guess? Like a half hour. Half hour? That's not true. Fireball. No.

No, it was well over an hour. That's fair. Let's slide into the page. It's time for page. You're going to hear the military tribunal of... The whole bear. We need to get it. All right.

Oh, yeah, before I go... Yeah, slide some stuff up there. Go to... Oh, shit. I spilled this everywhere. What have you done? It's eucalyptus oil. Spilled oil?

February 16th, I think it's actually sold out. March 2nd, we're doing a show at Helium. Come to that. That's very fun. The February 19th and 20th, come to the Arlington Draft House. That's in Arlington, Virginia. February, March 5th and 6th, Bananas Comedy Club in North Jersey. It's right next to the Bada Bing.

Is it really? From the Sopranos. What? Yeah, you can go to the Bada Bing. Tight. How is it? Take a look at it. It's crap.

Butt pimples? Well, just butt pimples. There's no nudity. You just walk in, it's just butt pimples. I'm with that. Man, that oil spill is involved. It stinks, dude. It's involved in the podcast now.

What do you mean? It's here. I'm using big words. Involved. Yeah. Did I tell you my idea for a gentleman's club? No. Like an actual gentleman's club where women do come in,

but you just get up and open the door for them. Pull their chairs out, shit like that. I like that. actual gentlemen's club where women do come in but you just get up and open the door and they're like ma'am pull their chairs out shit like that I like that they're clad and they're so everyone's clothed

to like you know just have puddles in there for you to throw your jackets on ma'am it's a real gentlemen's club dude I think guys go up every now and again

and do like Frank Sinatra numbers like la la la la la la la la you have to be like hey here here that's pretty good you might be on to something a real gentlemen's club would be sick dude I think they do that You have to be like, hey, here, here. That's pretty good. You might be on to something there.

A real gentleman's club would be sick, dude. I think they do that at Harvard. Really? They have all these clubs, men's clubs, and they all sit around and sing songs together and smoke cigars. Like Glee? Yeah, except it's straight. It's like straight Glee where they're like,

we are the men of Harvard. I think that's Skull and Bones. And I think they go into it. Well, there's Skull and's skull and bones then they jerk off in caskets right after that yeah then they film each other fucking kids like if you're ever a senator you're gonna pass this bill because i know you fingered a kid all right that's how it works that's how the elites go to the patreon for the rest of this incredible i think i got that eucalyptus shit in my eye yeah you got it's here