Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 335- Strip Club DJ

Episode Date: February 18, 2021

Josh Adam Meyers joins the cast and takes the D.A.W.G.Z on an absolute adventure. 

I believe we're on Thank you Lemaire Thank you for the nerd point Yes That's how we start every episode A very awkward nerd point He can't count down He's like

Five Two And he's like Alright Done for the week Got my paycheck Yeah What's up I'm never gonna let that go What Lemaire's for the week. Got my paycheck. Yeah.

What's up? I'm never going to let that go. What? Lemaire's audacious salary. Yeah, dude. It's like Lemaire's CEOs. Lemaire's. We need to have someone do a hit piece on Lemaire

to see what's going on. He's running a strike. Can you believe how much these podcast producers are getting paid? You know who's got to be the most angry? Who?

The other doper. The old Who? The other doper. The old intern? The other doper might get him. True. Josh. Our guest today, Josh Adam Myers. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. So happy to be here. Good. I'm hanging on, though. I had a second nap. Yeah, I'm glad you guys made it. I walked in on two grown men slumbering. We had a night. We had a night. I'd say that. We had men slumbering we had a night we had a night i'd

say that we had a fun night we had a very very fun night what's worse than getting walked in on two grown men slumbering on a couch well you guys separate couches i know shane with his loose boxers and me just in full like japanese raw denim and yeah you were the more concerning you were like just uh look like someone who like passed out after a work shift josh looks like like a crust punk guy like who is shane fucking hanging out with now dumpster divers just yeah that was i told you that that time at westchester me and my friend my friend bison was big dog yeah me and him were both big boys and it was like it was like 7 p.m on a saturday in college so like everybody was partying also me and bison at the time were like bison's like six years older than me so we were old too

for college so we were like men yeah we're both buying beer for everybody it was like 23 and bison was like 30 we were getting our bachelors and uh this kid went into the wrong house thinking it was a party and he like walked in and it was just me and bison like snoring and he was like oh i think i'm at the wrong house thinking it was a party, and he, like, walked in, and it was just me and Blythe, like, snoring. And he was like, oh, I think I'm at the wrong house. And we're like, get out of here. Dude, just fat guys asleep. Just some 19-year-old with, like, a case of Four Loko. He's like, let's party.

We were watching, like, Falling Down. I remember that. We watched the movie. The movie Falling Down was on TV. I still don't remember that movie. I watched that one time when I made weed brownies, and we all ate them, and I still can't tell you what that movie's about. I know Michael Douglas was bothered by a fly in traffic.

Yeah, it was serious. Dude, I watched the whole thing. My mind just can't hold on to it. I have no idea. I'm sorry. I'm surprised more people don't actually do what Michael Douglas' character did in that movie. Yeah.

Like, especially in L.A. It's just because it's almost like that city sometimes is, like, made for you to fucking just have a fucking breakdown and just go fucking ham on the city. So he GTA'd out? Yeah, I think so. Yeah, it was very GTA, yeah. It was funny. My friends, these two brothers that we lived with, recommended it. They were like, the movie's awesome.

We watched it like 10 minutes in. We're like, oh, yeah, they're racist. That's why they're like, yo, this movie's incredible. It's just a white guy. Like, I'm done getting shit on. But then he meets with a guy that's even more racist. And then he saves his ass by fucking killing that guy. Which then, all the other stuff that you're like,

oh, that's kind of racist. You're like, nope. No, he's actually non-racist. Yeah, I didn't get to that part. I didn't get to the end. I've been to that store. This is just a fucking shitty guy. Where that famous scene where he's like, oh, you're a fucking blah, blah, blah.

When he breaks into that, that's an Army Navy store on Sunset Boulevard in Silver Lake. And it's like, they have like a shrine where they have like the dude's picture up. And they have like Michael Douglas that's like kind of like hanging with the store owner. And it's just like, if I'm going to buy any Army Navy shit,

I'm buying it from that store. It's just out of respect. To Douglas? To Douglas. To Joel Schumacher. Did he get throat cancer from eating pussy? I think so. Goat.

Yeah, pretty tight. Yeah. Was that movie basically him just like spazzing on people? Yeah, I think so. Or was it specifically him spazzing on minorities? No, it's him spazzing on all of Los Angeles. Gotcha.

But I think I could be wrong. I could be wrong. Again, this is a decade ago. Me and fat guys were sleeping. You're one eye in it. But I think it was more of a John Rocker scenario where he was like this fucking city disgusts me you got fucking dykes

there's dykes everywhere damn dude getting fired up about lesbians is pretty tight I'll tell you what's gotta stop I'm fuming just mush and snizz. It drives me nuts, dude. That's the new phrase, dude.

I can't get it out of my head. What? The kid from the specials, that Australian show that went to the Ladyboy show. Yeah. I think we talked about it last week. What did he say? There's just one part where his chaperone's trying to tell him. He's like, what if?

Because he keeps being like, they're girls. The kid with the outs keeps being like, please believe he keeps the kid with doubts keeps being like please believe me i saw like he gets on a knee he gets on one knee and he's like you i'm begging you they're sexy dancers and the guy's like they're not dude i promise you they're boys lady boys yeah i love how he breaks it to him he's like yeah well yeah yeah he's like they do a good impression but those are boys he's like, they do a good impression, but those are boys. He's like, don't be rude. He's like, don't be fucking rude. But just that one part where he's like, well, what if one of them told you I have a penis? He goes, I'd be fuming. He goes, why?

Without misdemeanor, he just goes, I have no idea. He has no clue. He's just like, well, I'd be furious then. I'm fuming. Fuming is such a funny way. Like if I said, dude, if I see lesbians, fuming. How long would it take him to cool off, do you think? He'd be like, God damn it.

Oh, you see it in the show. It's like switching a light. He gets a trick. He's like, he's fuming. They show him fuming. And then a minute later, the girls come back out. It's beautiful. That fucking rules.

But Spud, I was talking to Spud about Alexander, that movie. Really? Spud was fuming. Why was he fuming? Because there were so many ladyboys, dude. He hated the movie. He was like, this was a complete hit piece on Alexander. It was, dude.

Alexander the Great. You thought they were besmirching him it was a complete hit piece dude they made him cry the whole time and be gay the whole time with the colin farrell movie yeah the hit piece dude why did they do it i haven't seen that i don't know it's fucked up yeah i mean yeah i think but i think it was kind of like that back then they're crying like the guys were fucking guys were crying like the guys were fucking women. The guys were fucking guys. Back in the day, dude, they were all

non-binary. They're all non-binary Romans. I think they might have been crying a lot. They were constantly watching people get decapitated. There's no way they were crying. Your dad would get captured and he'd be like, oh.

Dude, you died at like 36, dude. You know what I mean? It's like you're 12 and you're like, fuck, half my life's gone, man. Yeah. Everyone weeping. Oh, it was, dude. A lot of weeping. Yeah.

I mean, the people who work for you basically own them. When's the last time you wept? Oh, man. I think last time I wept was I was going through pictures on my phone, and there was one. There's this face Maya makes, and it's this kind of lost face. It looks kind of like I'm like, dude, is she okay? And I just broke down. I was just like, oh, that's sweet.

It's a sweet weep. I don't have one excuse to weep. Really? You have a child. No, I don't have an excuse the sweet. I don't have one excuse to weep. Really? You have a child. No, I don't have like an excuse to weep. You always have an excuse to weep. If I weep, it's pathetic. No way.

I'm up in my room. I'm just like, stop getting drunk. That's a good weep. No, it's not a good weep. Why do I do this? I'm so stupid. I'm fucking dumb. Yeah, there's a picture of her like clutching a stuffed giraffe and like sleeping. And I was like looking at I'm fucking dumb. Yeah, there was a picture of her clutching a stuffed giraffe and sleeping.

And I was looking at her the other night. I was like, is she lonely? I was like, what? Oh, never mind. This is your daughter, right? Yeah. I mean, that's like, dude, I cry thinking about my dog passing away. And my dog's only four.

So just thinking about the prep for it, I i'm like one day this dog won't be there and i get fucking emotional yeah my yeah my wife actually worked me out today that doberman's looking at you like this guy's not that guy has seen me pathetic dude just a fucking muck yeah you you and the doberman pincher on on a – it's a race to the finish. No, I'm joking. Dude, that dog, dude. You might live forever.

You look like one of those guys. I'm going to outlive most people. Like I have Keith Richards disease, which is just – I'm going to – the amount of damage – because you've got to figure it like this, right? I've done heroin and fentanyl and all that stuff for like years, right? So that's bad. And then I did cocaine for years, which cocaine really is like CrossFit for your heart, right? Because you're just fucking.

Oh, I never even thought of it that way. And I feel. So you're saying your VO2 max is off the hook. I am terminal velocity Charlie Sheen, dude. I am fucking go. Yeah, I see that. Fucking go. Yeah, that's like the final last words of a guy who gets a heart attack in one of those vampire tie-neck shirts.

Like a lace collar. I will never die. Fuck, man. I'm tired. I don't care when I go. All I care about is where I go. True. I just don't want to die in public.

Oh, God, dude. Yeah, that sucks. You're like at an Outback Steakhouse and like, you're like, yeah, can we get some extra sauce for the blooming? Ha!

Ha! And everybody's like, come quick! And they're fucking trying to wake me up and I'm just like, ha! Ha!

Like dying on a water slide or something. Just get spat out of the bottle. You're like, all right, honey, I'm going to do it. Just sliding across the water. Just sliding across the water, skipping across the water,

dead. Oh, dude, imagine how many people a year just get like, you know, the part of the wave pool that produces a wave. You just die and you just slowly go into Valhalla. Valhalla.

Yeah, that would suck. There's like the worst places would be like bowling alley, the mall, the mall would fucking slide. Bowling alley. That the worst places would be like Bowling Alley, the mall. The mall would fucking suck. Wait, why Bowling Alley? That would just be fucking embarrassing. Bowling Alley.

No one would know you're dying or having a heart attack because of all the noise of the balls. Yeah. Yeah, there's, I mean, I was, I remember I was a kid and a guy died at a bar we were at. What? Yeah, dude. He had a heart attack. And everyone had to leave. The whole, you know.

What? The bar, everybody was like. They shut it down? They like they were like was anyone like come on people tried to oh probably nobody tried to help the guy they just let him die they're like oh like it's fucking late night happy hour dude like we can't shut this shit down right now my mom tried to give him mouth to mouth which was funny really yeah she tried to bring back the dead? She tried to save the guy. She did a poor job. Obviously, yeah. My mom led his life. Yeah, dude.

His blood's on her hands. She let his life slip through her fingers. So he just died in a bar? Yeah. Was he munching on something? I just remember his face was blue. Oh, man. He died.

Yeah, yeah. But I also didn't care at all. Was he at a booth or a table? We were in the bar area, and there was a restaurant half. He died. Yeah, yeah. But I also didn't care at all. Was he at a booth or a table? We were at the bar area, and there was a restaurant half. He was in the restaurant chilling. He did the old, what you said. He was probably ordering some sauces. Oh, God.

I was just like, jerk. Ha! Get! Hit! Gah! Harry! Harry, no! Oh, my God!

Help! Help! Just the whole scene. That scares the shit out of me. Because that's what's going to happen. Because I'm so afraid of it. Because I also have sleep apnea. I think we talked about this last night.

I die every night where it's like, and I've had girls over where we've hooked up, and I'm just like, all right, can we do it again in the morning? Perfect. And then I just wake up, I scare the shit out of them. And I always feel for that one second that this is it. This is the heart attack. And I always feel for that one second that this is it. This is really the heart attack. And then it goes away every time.

And it's the scariest thing. And it happens three times a night probably. One's bad. The first one's always the worst. And then the second two are just like. Weirdly, for some reason, if I smoke weed too soon before going to bed, I wake up like, and if I don't, I'm fine. But that, I don't know.

I don't know if that's something. That's something I came to grips with. If I smoke weed, and there's a feeling. If I'm still pretty high and I go to sleep, 50% chance I'm going to wake up and go, and it's the fucking worst. I don't know if it's sleep apnea or what. It fucking sucks. You know if you have a sleep apnea.

You know it because you lose your breath i don't know what how what the actual thing is but i know it's like your throat and your jaw or something closes enough where you suddenly all the air is cut off and then your heart and your brain just kind of go oh shit i'm not breathing and it shocks you with adrenaline yeah so i mean you i Yeah. Oh, you're built like somebody that has apnea, dude. You look like you got. Fuck you, dude. Like Big J's got. Big J 100% has apnea.

Do you sleep on your back or side? I'm a side sleeper. Same. I'm a side sleeper, dude. I try. I try not to. Really? Side sleep hurts my arms.

Does it? Hurts my shoulders. Yeah. I always have my arm up. You need an ergonomic pillow. Perhaps. Right now, I got a foam mattress. Oh.

But it's great. but I'm too big. So I just crush the foam mattress. I'm just sleeping like a fucking... It's like a hammock every night. I'm getting out of it every morning. You're like an egg in an egg carton. That's when I start crying, dude. I weep in the morning when I can't get out of my foam mattress.

Why is it so hard to get up it's hard yeah dude sleep apnea i knew a guy who had sleep apnea who uh so what happens is you don't realize you're not sleeping all night so you're just like crazy tired and he drove an excavator into like a foundation he fell asleep in an excavator and fell into a foundation died no he was all right piece of rebar went through the window just missed him wow yeah so now he puts on his mask every night you gotta get the mask dude i want the mask well i'm not gonna just self-diagnose yet you i'm gonna wait till i have yeah here's the thing is i went to a sleep study because i was like well i gotta get this thing fixed i want to have a good night's

sleep everybody's been telling me sean patton he he wears the mask and we did bonnaroo together and he was like josh go get the sleep study it'll save your life you have no idea how tired you really are because of this yeah and i went to the sleep study and they gave me the fucking head gear and i took it home and i brought it back the next day totally expecting 100 apnea and. And they're like, you don't have sleep apnea. You just have like a deviated septum. But I'm like, I have it. I just didn't apnea last night during the study. But it's like, I was like, can I keep it a couple more days?

No, we feel like you don't have it. You're a bad case of athlete's nose. I have athlete's nose, bro. I have just fucking, there's a deviated septum and just, and I snore and my uvula gets all swollen. It's fucking stupid, dude. Yeah, dude. I have the deviated sept. I'm telling you.

Shane doesn't believe me. I was at an 80% blockage. I think I got it down to 60%. Really? You tape your mouth shut at nighttime and it forces you to breathe through your nose and the air just pushes that shit open. You just like... Don't fucking throw me in.

You look like a no-hate ad for MTV in like the 90s. Just your mouth taped and you have like a message here. I'm telling you, mouth taping worked. I used to not be able to get air through this one.

Now, that's 60. It's all 60%. I don't know what... I heard that, dude. I heard the 60. I heard the 60, yeah. This is $100, obviously. Big improvement.

I got to get formally studied. I I gotta go back to the ear nose and throat specialist but yeah dude tape your mouth shut and go to sleep dude I lived at the ENT dude I was going when when right when the jam started taking off yes really taking off and this is when I'm still the goddamn comedy jam goddamn comedy jam it's like we're getting ready to do a full week of shows at just for laughs. And I was DJing at the strip club still. And so it's like every, you know,

two and a half minutes. I'm like, all right, Joe, that's what's up. Give it up for citrus and do the specials and all that bullshit. And I did that two nights a week. And I started noticing my throat was like,

I'd be losing my voice a little bit. And then me being just like, why does God hate me? It's like, of course when my career is about to blow up i start losing my voice and i go to the fucking uh ent and he scopes my throat and he didn't tell me then but months later he told me goes your throat was so bad i thought you had throat cancer he was like i didn't he's like i was gonna see if we could fix it he

was just it was so swollen and so inflamed and so i didn't have insurance nor did i have a lot of money so he charged me the first appointment every time after that it got cheaper and cheaper to the point where then it was just free like literally like i'd go in he'd scope my throat say it's looking better here's some fucking uh steroids for your throat here's some uh xanax for your throat and here's some vicodin time out what do you do this doctor's x for your throat and here's some Vicodin timeout. What do you do? Dude, this doctor Xanax for your throat. I don't know this. Well, he felt my throat and he was like,

it feels like your muscles are like strained. You know what I mean? And it's like, so he's like to relax. You will give you Xanax, which, which I took and I never abused it, but I'm not,

do you ever, do you ever get high off Xanax? I've done it once. I did not like it at all. I've never taken it. It's like you just fall asleep. Exactly. I fell asleep and woke up with a weird taste in my mouth and was like, what the fuck did

I do? What did I do? I've never done it. I was on it for about two years while I was dealing with the throat shit. And I've done like seven months straight of high opiate use and then gotten sober from that. And it's been like three days of feeling like shit. But you're fine yeah with the xanax i thought i was gonna die you can die for two weeks i couldn't sleep at all i would sleep for five minutes and then wake up and it was just

like in a haze i felt like i was in a bubble and then just one morning it just went away but to to get back to the ent thing this is this is how fucking dope it was. So we're getting ready. I think this is like I started seeing him in June of 2015. And in February of 2016, I go, when is my throat ever going to get better? And he's like, can you take two months off? And I'm like, yeah. And he's like, can you afford $400 for the anesthesia? I'm just thinking of you dying dressed like a vampire.

With Bram Stoker? Wait, so what else did he give you? Xanax? He gave me Xanax? Well, first of all, I don't know if you ever know this, but this isn't like illegal drug shit. If you ever lose your voice and you need your voice back, prednisone and decadron. Decadron is a shot.

It's a steroid that works for you. I don't know if it goes to your throat, but it works every single time. So if you're like super sick and you go to like the emergency room, they'll give you a shot of decadron to open up your throat. And it saved my throat. But then it's also like putting a band-aid on a gunshot wound because you still have it inflamed you still have the nodule so you're just making it worse yeah but i mean when you're fucking you have to be able to talk or sing whatever the fuck it is it always works so when february came and he's like can you take two months off he did the surgery all my vocal cord got rid of two nodules damn for fucking 400 wow this guy this dude

awesome this guy like i mean because i didn't have the money for it yet that all the tv show money was coming but i hadn't hit yet and then what's funny is he checked it out like a few months later i never needed to go back and then maybe like two years later i started getting a tickle in my throat and i went back totally expecting he wasn't going to charge me again and he scopes my throat and he goes he goes he goes look at this man he's like your vocal cords look brand new he's like i have no idea what the problem is so why don't you just crush up some aspirin gargle that snort some aspirin and he's like and this is like an old like you know like mom cure and just gargle it and your throat will get better and i'm like and i'm like all right

perfect and then i'm like all right i'll see you it and your throat will get better. And I'm like, and I'm like, all right, perfect. And then I'm like, all right, I'll see you later. And then I'm going to leave. And the fucking receptionist is like, ah, pardon me.

He's like, you got to pay the bill. And I'm like, really? How much was it? 500 bucks. Yeah. He got you.

He got you on the aspirin gargle. Yeah, he got you. Yeah, dude. Payback. He gave me Vicodin for free. He gave me fucking Xanax for free,

but aspirin, 500 bucks. Wow. 500. That's fucking nuts. it's a wild story yeah what nodes what was the uh how was the strip club dj life i've always been fascinated by strip like what was what was that like and have you ever heard a better voice for a strip club not i have not at all i have the and i'll say this yeah no ego sure I'm the greatest strip club DJ that's ever lived I honestly I believe 100%

I was so funny visually and voice you're the guy 100% you look like the guy I'm super castable

yes I should have been Big J's role in Hustlers it would have been too much yeah true if you were in it it would have been like

they would have been like oh my god is this Gary Oldman is he method did he go full method on this um so the i was i said i guess to set it up is i was a dj for private parties in washington dc for like seven years i paid my way through college doing that and then when i moved out to la i worked in television and then i started doing stand-up and i couldn't find a job i I actually got hired at two restaurants in one day.

I lost both of those a month later because I'm not a server. I can't. Respect, dude. A lot of people are saying, oh, you've got to be a waiter. I don't have it in me, bro. It's fucking terrible, dude. Can't do it. Yeah, exactly.

Especially in L.A., it's just a totally different vibe. If you're serving people here in Pennsylvania, you know, there's some respect. They're happy to be outside eating. But in LA where everybody feels like, you know, their life is, you know, better than yours and they have this ego. It's just, yeah, dude, you're waiting on Taryn Manning

and she's being a cunt to you. I mean, it's fucking shitty. But I couldn't find a job. And then there was a fucking door guy at the comedy store named Alex Moore. He's like seven feet tall. Big, big fat dude. Just enormous.

And he goes, he goes, dude, you should be. More like couldn't fit in the door guy. But he says to me. It's Ash Wednesday. Come on. It's Ash Wednesday. That's the Holy Spirit. We're keeping it real here.

That's the Holy Spirit. That's a gift of tongues. But he. gift of tongues. But he... So he says, he goes, dude, apply,

go to... He's like, what? Just a vampire, just... Yo, I need some blood. You got any Tybo?

I fucking lived in the ENT. I'm never going to fucking die. I hope you die in the arms of that ENT doctor, dude. And then when you die, he's like, 13,000. The receptionist puts a lien on your estate. All right. So he tells me, he's like, dude, if you want a job, he's like dude if you want you know if you need to give you want

a job he's like go apply at a bunch of strip clubs i bet you'll get hired if you go to you like if you go to five strip clubs i bet two of them hire you and he was right the next day i went and you know i went to this club desire and i walked in and it's like like i got hired immediately they're like can you start tomorrow and at first it was such a shitty, shitty strip club. Like it was in the middle of the valley. They're always like, in California, they're always like where, you know, strip clubs are always in the same place that like they make cement. Do you know what I mean?

They do that out here. Middle of fucking nowhere. Down to the auto mall. Yeah, it must just be zoning. Yeah, yeah. Whoever makes the yeah yeah it's better if you're fucking you know there's like two strip clubs that are like in hollywood proper and it's like nobody ever goes there but the ones that are out in the valley

where you can just fucking you can come out with nut on your pants you know what i mean nobody wants to be sorry i just i just heard the crinkling of some plastic over there and i knew lamar was getting after his cookie. Lemaire, take it out of the wrapper now. Yeah, dude, what kind of cookie you got, bro? I looked over at the crinkling stops, and he was like. It's like spotting a squirrel in a trash can. It just freezes.

Take it out of the plastic, dude. You're an audio engineer. Just eat the cookie later. Yeah, or Jesus. The audio audio engineers back there eating cookies loudly i mean out of everything that you're trying to eat quietly the cookie wrapper is fucking not it no so you walk into desire so i walk into desire it's a fucking shit hole uh i worked there for about two months, barely make any money. I got three hand jobs from the strippers while working. How did that work?

Yeah, that's kind of what we're trying to get into. So my club, the club I first started working at wasn't that busy. And so even on a Friday night, maybe there's like 10 or 15 guys there at the most and maybe about seven, eight girls. And I just remember this these this one black chick comes up she comes up to pick her song and then they start getting drunk and they start getting touchy and and so she starts like just rubbing my thigh and so then i just kind of put her hand on my dick and then she just she's just like pull it out and i pull it out and i'm

fucking getting a hand job while i'm djing. Wow. So I'm like, sing a song, yo. What's the music like usually? It always bothers me that it's like Nine Inch Nails or something. Yeah. I wish. When a girl comes out and dances to like weird...

Industrial rock. Yeah, I hate it. Yeah, I need some... What do you need? I need some pop bangers, bro. I need Juicy Jack, dude. Nigos, Ying Yang Twins. Yes.

Yeah. What is it? What is it? Bands make a Juicy Jack, dude. Ying Yang Twins. Yeah. What is it? What is it? Bands make a dance. Yeah, exactly. Bands make a dance. To my ski, baba dooba, I'm a sea badoo. Do you still get strip club anthems in your head every now and again?

I cut it out, man. It was... All right. So I went from that club to a day shift one for Spearmint Rhino, and that was where I could play the songs that you were singing. I could play fucking Nine Inch Nails. I could play rock songs, and day shift one for Spearmint Rhino and that was where I could play those songs that you were singing. Like I could play fucking Nine Inch Nails. I could play rock songs and day shift was great. I just didn't make any money.

Yeah. And the same thing, I would get hand jobs and you know, I was very selective. Well, who needs money? Huh? Yeah. When you're getting hand jobs. It's like script currency, the coal mine.

Yeah. This is the, yeah, this is good. Well, there, it was, I would have it was i would have never i've never left dude it was it here's the deal is that we're all working for hand jobs you're just cutting out the middle ultimately yes it's that's oh that's the end goal for every reason we do this but so i work at that club and it was fine like i could i'd work during the day and at night i'd be able to do stand-up and then probably around 2013 and this is where it was like the real strip club world. They opened up a club in downtown LA called Dames and Games, right?

And it was like a sports bar, titty bar. Nice. So they have TVs everywhere and all the fucking cocktail stores are wearing ref outfits. I love it. And dude, that place was a fucking ATM for me. Like so much money I made. Because at first I was working day shift and making a little bit of cash but then i guess they had problems with their nighttime dj and the manager steve and this is the other thing too the reason there's like most strip clubs that i've worked at has strip club managers that are

the typical strip club dudes fucking you know long go, long goatee, tattoos, like real angry. Games and Games, it was run like a fun nightclub bar. And all the people that worked there were hired by this dude, Steve, who worked at another bar. And so it wasn't this dirty environment. Except, and then the girls were, they were very selective about the girls. And then they go, they say to me, they're like, can you work a night shift?

And I was like, nah, man, I don't want to. I do stand-up. But they're like, dude, just a night shift? And I was like, nah, man, I don't want to. I do stand up. But they're like, dude, just trust me. I don't think you realize how much money is here. And they're like, just work one night. Like this Wednesday night, just work Wednesday night. I made $600 working that Wednesday night in what, seven hours, six, seven hours. You guys just like split tips?

How does that work? So, one, there's multiple ways you can make money. The main thing is if there's 500 dances on the board, then I get 500 bucks. It's a dollar a dance from every girl. So if a girl does 20, then they sometimes, and most of the times they tip more. So if they do 20 dances, they might give me 60 bucks. But then you have like side hustles because here's the thing, and this is what you'll appreciate. So when I got hired at Desire, which I i'm telling you this place was like so illegal yeah it was it was a fucking it was a fucking uh

a prostitution den like there were drug dealers there there were gangbangers it was scary as fuck somebody got shot there on a night i wasn't working they switched the name of the club usually they just switched the name it's funny it's now it's now it's actually a wedding banquet hall little do they know how many nuts there's so many nuts that happen Usually they just switch the name. It's funny. Now it's actually a wedding banquet hall. Little do they know how many nuts. There's so many nuts that happen in that. Haunted by whores. Yeah.

I was just going to say, there's like an old stripper ghost like, call a two for one. So can you play two chains? It's so, it was so shitty. So, but working, when I got hired at Desire, the manager, Big John, goes, yo, man, you need to train under our night DJ, and his name's Murder. Your apprenticeship under Murder.

What was his name? His name's Murder. Samoan dude? 400, maybe 500 pounds. Enormous. I think he had family in the Boogie Down Productions. And I remember I go, hey, man, it's nice to meet you. I'm Josh.

I'm training. And he goes, listen, man, there's only one thing you got to know about being a strip club DJ. Get that money. That's it. He goes, if a girl wants a song you be like alright give me $5 cause you need to get that money

so you gotta rip off the girls but he was right he's 100% you're getting that money dude this is not the Holy Spirit this is Ash Wednesday I know that

it's very non-Holy Spirit but in most strip clubs you can either look at it like this you can go to the club and you can work and you can try to get pussy sure and you can fuck all your money up or you can either look at it like this. You could go to the club and you can work and you could try to get pussy. Sure.

And you can fuck all your money up. Or you can just go in there focused and be like, all right, you know, there's 50 girls working. So I'm guaranteed this amount. I'll push the dances. But then also you have all the side hustles. So girls like, you know, can you like I remember like when Bitches Love Me came out. Just to give you an idea of like the music you bid the songs the hot songs so if a girl's like i want bitches love me all night and

i go dude that's the most popular song here like you know how many girls are gonna ask for that and she's like i don't care i'll be like all right well i need 200 bucks right now give me 200 cash it's your song the whole night oh and then a girl would be like you know hey can you put me on stage this guy's gonna throw money on me and i'll be like dude there's you know there's there's 10 other girls ahead of you and i just put you up they're all gonna get mad at me i'm gonna lose money from them so i need half of the money that's getting thrown on stage and then we pay it oh yeah and then somebody needs to unionize for the girls they did that i might be a revolutionary really for the people they did that. I might be a revolutionary. Really? For the people. They did that. They actually started a union.

A whore union? Something happened in California. Well, now I'm a capitalist to the heart. I want to go break this union apart. I mean, it's an easy union to break. You just drop a bag of Coke down. They're like, mine, mine, mine, mine. Or you just bring in other whores.

They're pretty easy to find. Scabs. You're bringing the second string. Bring them in. They're pretty easy to find. Scabs. You're bringing the second string. Like, bring them in. They've been dying for this. But I started making a shitload of money there. But then, and this is where it all fell apart, was my career was also starting to take off. Like, I remember I got new faces.

And I thought, like, I was like, I'm going to be able to quit this job the second I get home. And then nothing happened when I got back from JFL. So then I had, I was just carrying around this resentment. And every time I went to work, like I hated it. So I then started swinging by cause it was in downtown LA. I'd swing by pill alley, which is like fifth and Broadway. Yeah. And I just grab a bunch of like oxys.

And then I go, it's the only way I could work is just to get high and then go uh and then it became this thing where it's like i just i hated it and then i just became like a full-blown junkie but when i was like using and djing i was the shit you're killing oh yeah you're on oxy dude i would music yeah i i said i said whatever the fuck i want to do guys weren't buying dances i'd be like what I said, I said, whatever the fuck I want to do. Guys weren't buying dances. I'd be like, what are you guys fucking fags? Like, get some fucking, get your dick mush. Go get your dick mush. Oh my God.

If a DJ called me, I'd look up at the booth. That would have gotten the wallet open big time. Oh, it'd kill me. You broke motherfucker. Tip them bitches. Oh my God. That's so fucking funny. Yeah, dude.

Now, you don't use those types of words now. No. Not at all. But in the environment of Dames and Games, yes. Of course. It's important to clarify. It was anything I could do to sell dances. Yeah.

And it was... You were pimping from a microphone. You were absolutely pimping. Oh, 100%. I was pimping. You couldn't mess with me. I'm sorry, yeah. It's pussy slave trade.

It's like, just like like look at this hot ass bitch come on you know you wanted a musho dick come on boys that's what i did and i was the best like girls totally yeah yeah so two things i'm getting hard it's like a wizard of eyes dude it's like are you gay this is the voice that you hear as you're starting your dick starting to just bump up a little bit you're like oh yeah it's like gravelly yeah i'm hard as fuck i bet you guys are rock hard right now um it was dude this is the coolest shit this is the this is the coolest shit it's because i had thursday and friday nights i was making a shitload of money, but I never was going to leave. And then, you know, you sell the TV show. And so you're waiting on that money.

And, you know, in 2016, I sold a TV show on Oxycontin. Yes. I sold the goddamn comedy gym. A lot of sober guys can't pull that off. What was your, what was your like total amount of 80s a day? What was like the. Well, it just depends so so when when i got in a car accident and then i was like kind of on oxys for about seven months i was on about 200 a day of perk 30s okay and and sometimes it'd be like oxymorphine or dilaudid or if i went

to like a pain management doctor um when when i wasing at the strip club, I would buy – I would spend like $100. Okay. So I'd get me – just enough to get me through the shift and then maybe have a little bit in the morning so I could be okay. And then when – right before I got clean, it was like $300 to $400 a day. Damn. Yeah. Yeah. That's what my buddy used to do, six Oxy-80s a day. Really? Yeah. Was. So my buddy used to do six oxy 80s a day.

Really? Yeah. With a, was this when they, you could crush them up and snort them, snort half pop half. He's do it a day. And I was like,

dude, well, we were talking about this last night is so, you know, that Cecil hotel documentary that's on Netflix, right? And I never saw it. Watch it.

He'll, he'll tell you it's terrible. What's it about? Cecil hotel. There's a hotel in LA. What's it about? Cecil Hotel. There's a hotel in L.A. It's very spooky. Really? It's haunted.

But this girl went missing, and there's security footage from the elevator like the night she went missing. It is very scary because she's having a mental breakdown. Yeah. So anyway, that's the whole story is she was bipolar yeah and manic

and she got lost just spazzed did she get lost but because she's asian it's very scary she's in the elevator doing weird yeah it's grudge like ring girl grudge moves she's like going like this and dude she stands there and the elevator won't close for some reason which is also very spooky. And then she's like doing weird shit. And then they found her in a water cooler or the water tower on top of the hotel. So she just climbed up there and jumped in and died. She wanted to go swimming.

She took a little dip. She took a dip and died. Couldn't get out. All right. Hold on. Don't watch the documentary. No. I think you should. Don't watch it.

Now I ruined it. He ruined it, but what's also very interesting about the documentary is that they talk about the history of the Cecil. And Cecil is this old hotel on Main Street in downtown LA, right on the cusp. Like, if you go one street north onto Los Angeles, it's Skid Row. And there's 10,000 to 20,000 homeless drug addicts just wandering around. We got to get them out well on ash wednesday on ash wednesday we need to go down there and put them in the desert true say figure it out they do in orange county there's homeless

people are not allowed in orange county they got them all in them up and drop them off in skid row yeah no because if you saw the documentary that actually makes sense dude shane if you remember in the documentary they said that the that in Shane, if you remember in the documentary, they said that in that area, the reason there's so many homeless people is because that's where all the soup kitchens are. Like the city of Los Angeles, to ensure that the rest of the city

would be clean of homeless people, they put every, if you need help or assistance, you have to live in that area. Because it's all there. All the missions, all the fucking soup kitchens, all the places where they can stay. It's just area because it's all there, all the missions, all the fucking soup kitchens, all the places where they can stay.

It's just like, they it's, it's very smart, but then it's also like disgusting because that's just like no man's land. Yeah. It's just like, it's like a green zone. And,

but Cecil hotel, when I first moved to Los Angeles, my first drug dealer lived there. This old black guy named Alvin Taylor. Um, he, he had bad kidneys kidneys he was always getting dialysis he always had Vicodin ES and probably anything else and never hit it at all he well I'd call him be like yo I'm out front and he'd come out like holding the pills like Robbie I got your pills and he thought my name was Robbie and I never corrected him and and this is the funniest

shit is i'm watching that documentary with my friend and i'm like i'm like yeah my first drug dealer's there and then he pops up in it what a quick interview he's just because he drank the water remember when the girls in the water thing like we didn't get to that okay he's sipped she's in the water tower for like 19 days and then people in the hotel started to be like the water is brown and tastes bad why does the water taste like wonton soup we don't make jokes like that not on ash wednesday not on ash we gotta keep it clean please it's ash wednesday damn so they were just drinking like a decomposing lady yes oh my god dude the funniest part is they remember when they interviewed the two like the two like English people and the girls

like she she's like she's like saying so I uh you know I started like you know washing my face and had a drink of water and did my laundry and she's like i was like how much shit did you do with the water you did everything you can do i bathed myself i put it in a canteen yeah they were like yeah really it was pretty traumatizing i was like yeah definitely yeah it's the grossest shit ever yeah what how do you even like what happens after that the cecil just took them they were like you guys can stay at a different hotel we'll pay for it we're not we're embarrassed about how do you think we feel that's what they like The Cecil just took them. They were like you guys can stay at a different hotel. We'll pay for it We're embarrassed about how do you think we feel? We're not paying you shit But that was like the history of the Cecil is that fucked up disease from that?

Absolutely. Oh god fucked up like medieval disease. Yeah, like dead people play Yeah, yeah black plague fucking grudge grudge disease grudge cause that lady coming out of the drain I got SARS and the ring

yeah I ended up getting the ring I was laughing about like oh fuck dude I got a little case of the ring dude

oh my god just think of like a guy like like a drug dealer like laying on his mattress in that room and like hearing somebody be like, Help!

From the pipes. Like out of his sink. Help! Oh, fuck. Yeah. And here's what bothered me about the documentary. And if you're going to watch it, don't listen to this part. I thought it was interesting.

All you need to do is watch the video of the girl in the elevator because that is scary. It's weird to watch. Like, somebody have a mental breakdown. She's, like, hiding in the corner. She'll step out, make a weird move, and then, like, her hands started, like. What was up with her? Did they go into it? She was having a bipolar episode.

She was freaking out. I mean, and she had been freaking out. She was, like, walking into the lobby, like, I'm fucking crazy. And everyone was like, yeah, so is everyone here. Get upstairs. Get back to your room, lady. Yeah, someone probably told her it would be 300 bucks if she wanted to make it rain at the club. True.

And she was like, strip club DJ called me a fag. And yeah, so the big mystery was she gets up there into this water cooler and the hatch was closed on the door, which would have been impossible for her to get in and close it by herself. Yeah. Somebody would have had to have put her in there. And then at the end, they're like, yeah, well, it turns out the hatch was open. Oh.

And it's like, so this whole documentary, they literally, the documentary lays out like 10 different theories. Yeah. And then at the very end, they're like, we knew all of those weren't true. It's like, well, all right. Well, then why'd you do that for six episodes? For entertainment? Yeah, but they know the answer.

Yeah, I know that. But for the most people who don't know the answer, even I didn't know. I remember everything. I knew the story because I remember it. But it was so interesting the way they did it. That's what I'm saying. It's like it's not it might be a letdown a little bit. Sure.

They weren't going to solve the murder mystery anyway. It was like always going to be just we're going to lay out the case. We're going to entertain you for four hours. Solve the fucking don't fuck with cats. That was great. That was a good one. That was a good one. The Internet sleuths.

Then the fucking making a murderer. The retarded guys went to jail. That was great. Yeah. Lock them up good one. The internet sleuths. Then the fucking making a murderer. The retarded guys went to jail. That was great. Yeah. Lock them up. That's my theory. And then, yeah, there's some good ones. Every once in a while when there's one that's just like, yeah, there wasn't even a murder.

She killed herself. And we knew that the whole episode. Yeah. I was like, fuck. Why did I waste my time? What else were you going to watch, though? Adam Curtis. Adam Curtis Adam Curtis please

thankfully I had all the time in the world to watch Adam Curtis and I did is that what we've been watching yes and I was like last night we were a little messed up

and I was trying to explain you were explaining I was high trying to explain Adam Curtis to people it's hard dude and yeah I've never watched a documentary

that I've been more like, I get this. Yeah. Entirely. And then someone's like, what was it about? It's like, like this algorithm.

So I was going around last night, whoever, whoever got trapped into my little fucking web. I was like, you want to hear about the algorithm? Was that what you were talking about with everybody last night?

I was crushing people with that. Oh, fuck. People were leaving the rooms. I walked everybody. Dude, I gave a presentation when I was in school this, what, a year or so ago? Yeah, Matt's been on Adam Curtis for a while.

Not even just Adam Curtis. The thing that he took, the thing he, I guess, examined in this one is just surveillance capitalism. Yeah. I gave a presentation in my class, and they looked at me like I had four heads. I was like, you guys are all the problem, and if you don't want it to be, you've got to stop using it.

Otherwise, they'll keep extorting us. And they were just kind of like. Well, you're a revolutionary. True. I am a revolutionary. I might be a revolutionary. Dude, that shit on the Black Panther. I might be Fred Hampton.

He had a Black Panther partythers who was the guy who came out with the dick pants oh yo there was a guy they go into the Black Panthers

and his documentary just like Adam Curtis documentaries they'll tell like 20 stories at

once and they kind of all come together and you try to explain you're like oh my god

I'm so smart from watching this every time you try to explain one of his documentaries you're like

uh Sigmund Freud's cousin I think was a guy a guy from the taliban got a piece of shrapnel in his brain also tupac's mom yeah yeah yeah the whole time i'm watching it's all over the place like one minute it's like doing the civil rights movement and then it's like come with me Like one minute it's like doing the civil rights movement and then it's like, come with me. Double C, double D, don't do it. It's like, why are they showing Tupac clips? Yeah, it's Tupac and China. There was the leaders of the Black Panthers.

Yeah, the one thing like the lady, Tupac's mom basically sussed out that they were being entrapped and got them off basically for it. Like they were getting indicted on like conspiring to blow up federal buildings, all this stuff. And she proved in court that the entire thing was the government the government agent's idea and they're like no we're not going to do that like come on do it pussy and then they would they eventually got in trouble for it but yeah dude tupac's mom but then all the black they like they found out like a lot of the black panthers were just government agents trying to like catch black people doing fucked up stuff trying to talk them into doing it yeah fucking. Trying to Ruby Ridge them. Yeah. They tried to Ruby Ridge them. Yeah.

Did a decent job. They mission accomplished. Yeah. Mission accomplished. A couple of the leaders of the Black Panthers came out. Bobby Seale,

world-renowned chef. One guy came up with, literally came up with dick pants. Dong pants. He was like, I'm trying to free the penis. And you was a pair of jeans

that you had like a rather sizable. Yeah. I might get a rather sizable Yeah. I might get those dick pants. Yeah. I need some Oshkosh. I need some Oshkosh. Yeah.

It's like sheath underwear. Yeah, it is. Have you worn those? No, I gotta get them, dude. It's weird. I love them. Matt, that's your path, dude.

Just so you know. The guy that's like we need to unite the people, the revolution, all that. And then like, I'm actually just going to free the penis and pants. For real, that is 100% your path. Dude, Michael X, I was loving Michael X, dude. Michael X was a baller.

He was this guy who was like, you know, he's a revolutionary. And then he just at the end was like, I'm just going to sell drugs. Fuck this. Yeah, yeah. He sold drugs. He killed a lady. Got hanged. Yeah, pretty fucked up killed a guy. He killed a lady. Got hanged. Yeah, pretty fucked up.

Getting hanged. What a way. It was tight that he was like, we're moving back to Barbados. We're taking it back to the motherland. We secretly had a plan to grow weed. And, like, someone found out, and he just, like, murdered her. And then he died. Yeah, the documentary's good, though.

Dude, it's awesome. Shines a light on the holier-than-thou libs, dude. It certainly does. Man. I'd hate to have been talking all that mess online, dude, and then watch the Curtis doc and go like, I'm gay? Yeah.

Wait. O'Connor didn't like it, but O'Connor was fuming. Why was he fuming? I was like, what are you fuming about? He's like, I have no idea. Watching the documentary? Yeah. He's like, anybody can no idea. Watching the documentary? Yeah. He's like, anybody can do this.

Did he say at the very end when they talked about the Russian stuff? He didn't get that far. And I told him, I was like, yeah, wait until you get to the Russian hoax part. He was like, ugh. And I walked out of the room. And I was sitting there like. Was he on the VR he walked in

I was so nice to everyone I was like I love you so much and he walked in and I was like wait till you get to the Russian hoax part you piece of shit

dude you would Helium was so funny I believe it I was in the green room I was like I gotta get away cause in the main room it was the gremlins dude

the evil hippies were bouncing around. Yeah. Fucking. You can hear the evil hippies. And then I was in the green room just trying to. Me and Lamorp. Yeah. Lamorp, do you want to talk about your drug use?

Yeah. You should be ashamed. But. Everybody was in rare form last night. Oh, it was great. It was great. What a wonderful night.

And, uh, but every once in a while a hurricane of evil hippie would come through the green room. Really? Just be like, fuck you,

motherfucker, that's us. Yikes. Yeah. There were several hurricanes that pounded us. Yeah. And we knew they were coming.

They were down out in the showroom circling, you know, just waiting. And then one would come in the green room be like i gotta take a piss what are you doing in here but yeah it was a great night that's what drugs are for exactly like that you know what i mean like like the there's certain drugs that are like just positive like cocaine brings out like it makes you talk more and you connect with people and like ecstasy is like god i love you so much you get to say the shit that you don't that you can't say normally um you know like opiates that those are like real

sad drugs yeah opiates are like for the sad like i was molested type show do you know what i mean yeah just want to be in a warm cocoon nobodyon. Nobody's doing opiates and they have a fucking phenomenal life. Like, it's just you have real demons, dude. Yeah. Man. I wonder who is, though. There has to be somebody out there doing opiates that's just like, no, shit's good. I think at first.

Yeah. Yeah, what's it like at first? Oh, it's the best. I miss it so much, man. I bet. Dude, when I, some of the best sets i've ever had on stage i was just fucking looped on fucking opiates dude yeah first first hollywood improv show i ever did they read the gm did a show called best of the open mic and it was like me gerard carmichael

and byron bowers and tony hinchcliffe and we're all like first year second year comics and everybody bombed except for me I was on 25 Vicodin ES and I went up there and fucking annihilated yeah annihilated yeah and it was it just took away all the fear took away all the pain any nervousness that you'd have and it was just you're so loose and that. So dude, that was why like the addiction got really bad when the jam started taking off because, you know, you know, it's like when something starts getting bigger, all the industry starts coming and then you really have to make sure you're, you're on, you know, you're focused and you're, you're doing, you know, the best that you can. And I remember when I started having the throat issues, I go to the hospital and they prescribed me,

they gave me morphine because they were like, because it was actually funny. They didn't know what was wrong with my throat. They didn't know what was wrong with my throat. What hospital are you going to? Cedars-Sinai. Yeah, you're going to Cecil Hotel. Dude, I went to Cedars.

You're going to Alvin. You're just sipping the water tank. But what happened, I go to the, this is December of 2014. I remember I go to the doctor because I had health insurance. And insurance and you know if you try to go to a regular doctor you need you know an ent with my insurance at that time you would need a referral it would be a whole thing so i just go to cedar sinai if i had an issue because that would be all it would be free for me and i go in there and they test and they just start looking at my throat and then the fucking doctor comes in he goes he closes the curtain and he's like,

uh, have you had, uh, been having unprotected sex recently? And I'm like, yes. And he's like, um,

I think you have gonorrhea of the throat. Damn. And I was like, oh my God. Did you? No. Oh fuck. Well,

you wanted it. Yeah. That would've been great. I thought you had some Michael Douglas. Have you been eating strippers pussies uh no man which is which is no way man come on man you know i'm always actually a telltale sign it's the number one symptom wait so what was it it was just it was the nodule of my throat and it was inflamed but he just that because they couldn't figure it out because I had already been to that Cedars-Sinai like three or four times with the same issue. That's so funny. And so they gave me.

I gave a doctor like, this looks like dirty pussy. I'm going to break the news to him. Wait, were you eating pussy from the bottom at any point? Did you lick the ass and the pussy at the same time in one stroke? Yeah, that'll do it. But no man tubular he gave me he gave me a bunch of vicodin and then the next night i had a jam and i did the jam on vicodin and then that was it like i was like dude i was just what were you playing what was your instrument well i sang i sang the you know for most of the jam and but it wasn't it wasn't even

so much that it made like my voice better or anything it just made me like so fearless where that was like the first show that i crowd surfed that was the first show i would just i would be i would be up there think that i was killing and i would just be i'd be like even before i brought the first comic up i I'd do 45 minutes. Just like, hitting like a cymbal, like ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Like, yeah!

This is the greatest! And it was. It was. I was fucking. That's so funny to be up there like, for 45 straight minutes. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. You're a full lizard king, dude.

I was 100% lizard king. But that was the thing. Once I included opiates into the jam, then it was like, oh, well, I have to do every jam from this point on high. Yeah. And it was great, dude. It was great.

It was so great, dude. Yeah. You know, you just, you fucking put on a fentanyl patch and just go out there and just fucking rip, dude. But I wasn't, was i was just the waves of it here you're just like oh did you ever suck the gel out of it of a fentanyl patch now i had a friend that died that way yeah i had a friend that i don't know if it was suicide or he just overdosed but he did two fentanyl patches he emptied them into a cup yeah and. And then we were talking about having real demons.

He had real demons. Yeah. Like his mom died. I think she committed suicide. And his dad was gay. But like hidden in the closet. He'd be in his room watching like gay porn. We could all hear it.

And so and then, you know, he died. Oh, man. Yeah, it was sad. Yeah, dude. Yeah, I knew someone who said suck the gel. Like little by little, suck the gel out. And we were at his house one time dude I yeah I knew someone who said suck the gel like little by little suck the gel out and we We were at his house one time I think I talked about this before we're at his house and we had like

Walkie talkies and he was like watch you can like listen like it picks up my mom's phone conversations and we're like Yeah, that do we listen in his mom was like dating and his mom was like, yeah He just won't let me in bed with him I don't know if he's gay like I'm just trying to like find and we we're just like, oh, my God, your mom's talking about getting bowed. Your mom's talking about getting bowed. And he was just like, shut the fuck up, bro. Let's go play football outside. I'm like, fuck you guys, dude.

He was taking a foul and was like, let's go play football. No, no, no. Later on, the fence started. It was years later. We were little ones. Dude, I don't want to steal Spud's thunder here. But in that same phone call about, because Spud loved fuming. Yeah.

And he was like, yeah, one of my best friends growing up was retarded and i was like sweet and then he was like but there is a thing like when they hit puberty they get horny as hell what retards yeah and he talked about how his friend got horny as fuck but also got jacked was like super strong he's the strongest kid i've never heard any feat of strength described this well he goes my friend was so strong he fucking put a vortex through our window you know it's fun with like a headset painting he said it like so casually he's like yeah man he was jacked dude he put a vortex through the window like one of the whistlers i just was thinking of a retarded kid just winging one just a nerd dude put nerve through a window not even not even

you have to throw it to put a nerve a circle out of the glass here's one of the whistler ones this thing's way like one pound it's like an arrow yeah the strength you had to put dude retard strength

is no fucking joke yeah it is especially going through puberty the amount of like horny rage just testosterone building

and you're just like and you don't have any idea what's going on you just launch a vortex dude it was fuming flipping tables damn that's a sick version of a sandlot oh yeah just busting through a window yeah that was what a feat of strength god damn it put a vortex through a window talking the fun thing about talking to spud

is just is thinking about how he is on a headset and like someone's yeah he's literally in somebody's house painting that's what he does you can call spot at any time spot and bill you can call at any hour yeah and they'll pick up and talk the whole time they'll talk as long as you want to be on the phone they're gonna and they don't talk half the time they just last time you can both just be on the phone like i'll be driving and just call one of them and just drive and like two minutes will go without talking and then somebody be like you know what else i was thinking yeah it is fun dude and spud just has those types of gems dude just like unintentionally just like this is how strong this guy was that's the funniest thing i've ever heard yeah dude he's too funny. Just getting real horny. Just screaming a whistler, dude.

Could you imagine, though, being, like, mentally challenged and suddenly you're going through puberty and suddenly you start getting erections and just, and you're so, I don't want to call it oblivious because I don't know how they actually think, but it's just, like, to see, like, to get that, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, of course.

I don't want to call it i was oblivious and when i was getting yeah getting hard yeah what the fuck is this yeah i had i had like my elders obviously my older brother sure yo jerk off all right did you jerk off first did that what you did you did actual like i heard about it i heard about jerking off when I was like 10. And I used to use blueberry hand soap. Oh, God. My balls would dry and flake. Ball skin would flake off. You were like, my dick looks rough, but it's clean as shit, dude.

It's fucking clean. Yeah, we watched the movie Twister. And right afterwards, I was like, I'm going to try this jerking off thing. And it was just like, I remember being like, what the fuck? Credits during Twister. What part of the movie were you like? Afterwards. I don't remember. I remember just being like, here's this jerking off thing. And it was just like, I remember being like, what the fuck? Credits during Twister. What part of the movie were you like? Afterwards. I don't remember.

I remember just being like, here's a jerk. You got turned on by the tornado? You're watching it and you're just like, hmm. Yeah, it was kind of like. Well, that's next. That's on the docket. Exactly. That's on my schedule.

I don't remember anything about Twister other than me being like. Linda, clear my schedule. I've got a big night. It was crazy, man. I remember being. I'm going to try this whole jerking off thing. Never look back. I didn't. How could you. It was crazy, man. I'm going to try this whole jerking off thing. Never look back. I didn't.

How could you? It's crazy, man. I didn't know how to do it at first, so I did this thing. My parents called it scrooching, which is like, because I did it everywhere. It was just where you put pressure on your jaw. Oh, yeah, pressure play. Wait, were you Catholic? Were you Catholic?

No, Jewish. Is that what a church? Oh, yeah. I always forget you're Jewish. I'm a fucking Jew, bro. Yeah, they're the chosen pressure players, dude. That you Catholic? No, Jewish. Is that what a church... Oh, yeah. I always forget you're Jewish. I'm a fucking Jew, bro. Yeah, they're the chosen pressure players, dude. That's where we got

pressure players from. The pew is designed specifically for pressure. When you're kneeling? Oh. How good is a pew on your dong when you're a kid? Do you know dry humping the pew?

You don't dry hump it, but you just press again. I was tall enough that the pew right in front of me was the exact dong level when I was in sixth grade. Church boners are maybe the best, dude. Church boner?

Church boners, dude. Yeah, you got church boner dudes? Church boners. Springtime, all the girls with the dresses on? Boners and farts in church are... Farts, yeah, I can imagine. Farts in a church are fucking unbelievable. So good, dude.

So good. It just bounces off a pew. It's literally a room specifically designed for acoustics. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So if somebody launches a fart, dude, it's just like – I remember in school, in Catholic school, you have to go to church like once a week at least. The whole school goes to church at the same time. And kids would just hit farts.

Like grenades would be going off. Like bullfrogs in a pond. Different pockets. It is. Exactly like bullfrogs. You never wanted that corn like brrr. Did you go to

an all-boys school? No. That was something that I... You went to an all-boys school. I was at all-boys high school. I was always told by people that went

to an all-boys school how great it was because you would just fart in class because there was no women to judge you and you didn't have to impress anybody. Farting in class with women is even funnier. When people get offended by farts. Yeah, but everyone in a mixed like with your boys and girls, like 70% of the dudes won't rip. Of course. We're an all-boy school. Everyone, like 80% of people are letting them fly.

I love that, dude. The teachers teachers would be like enough of that yeah just like if i literally i would have to leave the room if anybody farted ever i was done i i in in football in football we had to go to mass as a team so that was the closest I came to just an all-boys mass. Yeah. That's awesome. And, dude, kids would fart the whole – it was just the football team going to chapel. And then, like, the priests would always come in and try to give you, like, a hard-ass speech. Be like, and the Lord said to smite his enemies. People would be like, yeah, whatever.

Fuck. Ha! And they asked me to read, and I was like, I can't. I was a captain, and they were like, you me to read. I was like, I can't. I was a captain and they were like, you need to read. And I was like,

I literally cannot read in front of this team. I'll laugh. And I told them, I was like, I'll laugh the whole time. And they were mad but they were like,

actually, that's good that you're being honest. I didn't think I got through a team mess. I'd leave almost every time. I'd have to leave. Kids would get community and sneak high fives with each other.

It would just be like, what a funny fucking thing. We used to do First Friday. We were in grade school. We'd have everyone First Friday the whole school would go to church. The one time, I think it was either mass or the graduation practice for eighth grade, me and my friend, as we walked over, we hid. We had it was either the mass or the graduation practice for eighth grade. Me and my friend, as we walked over, we hid because like we walked,

we had to go outside and like walk to the church. So we just like ducked behind like an electrical thing and just waited and like crept to the back and like watched church. It's so fun.

Church, goofing, church goofing. Goofing off in church is so much fun. And also just when you get communion and walk back and you just see

all your dumb friends, like just everybody sitting with like a tie on just like a hand job yeah yeah going back and hitting a little quick like is there is the is the communion cracker is that delicious flavorless dude flavor no it's absolutely flavorless really yeah it's not a good cracker but you know church rocks dude catholicism is making a comeback it has to make a comeback it's gonna make has to reform itself yeah just a teeny bit slight reform no more no more fucking the kids yeah no more diddling the kids that's such a bad luck dude i've been saying it forever just maybe a little microdose dude

hand the goblet with just a little bit of psilocybin and everyone leaves church and like it takes to the road why do they microdose and driving dude as a former lyft driver i'll say i used to microdose to drive for lyft did you really no problem dude i think you would dose not micro microdose hit the radio you're like is this hootie in the blowfish yo you guys like hootie right he's like, you're like, is this Hootie and the Blowfish? Yo, you guys like Hootie, right? He's like, sometimes you're crazy. Can you take a right? You're like, what? I forgot you were here.

You're like Rob, what's his name? Rob Thomas, so smooth. You're like, oh. I think that's Lyft. Yeah, everyone driving Lyft. That's the difference between Lyft and Uber. It's fucking hammered Lyft is

Uber's hammered Uber's just drunk foreigners Lyft is way chiller dude Like Uber Uber's a little uptight to me Lyft is where it's at I love Lyft I like Lyft as well

Yeah I haven't Lyft started this bullshit Where they're like Do you want us to pick you up faster Or is it an extra five bucks And then it You pick either one Or your time's the same

Every single time They're trying to do It's the algorithm dude The algorithm They do They check to see where you're at And they're like They crunch numbers. They're trying to do, it's the algorithm, dude. The algorithm. They do. They check to see where you're at and they crunch numbers and they're like,

here's a ride for 12 bucks, here's a ride for 15, here's a ride for 19, we'll get you in two minutes. I took a quick one one day because I was in a rush. It took like seven minutes for the dude to get there.

I was like, never again. You should fucking, you should like send him an email and he'll get your money back. True, that's not a bad idea. First time I ever took Uber, I had to go to the airport at like two in the morning because the flight was at at six but i i didn't know how uber

works so i was like i should probably call it you know like two just to make sure i because i just had no idea were you on drugs no all right maybe high maybe like some weed but not like i wasn't like yeah fucked up fucked up sure um and i called i called an uber black black xl so like a really good one so my ride from my apartment to the airport was 160 bucks which is like a half hour not even a half hour drive like it's it's maybe 10 miles away but just you know 20 25 minutes at the most and i sent him an email because i was like, dude, there's no fucking way I'm paying $160. And they knocked off like 60. So it was $100.

You can always get your money back, dude. All you got to do is, I learned that from my mom, dude. True. No, it's true. She's got an email. Dude, she's got an email, bro. Yeah, I should have sent it and been like, you motherfuckers tricked me. You guys fucked me.

You guys weren't here fast. Dude, there was a, I can't remember the name of it. We all went in and bought my mom or my mom and dad a coffee maker. It guys weren't here fast. Dude, there was a – I can't remember the name of it. We all went in and bought my mom and dad a coffee maker. It was like the coffee maker. It was like – this thing was fucking expensive for Christmas. Dude, it fucking exploded midway. I got to find out what the hell this thing is called. Dude, it exploded midway.

My sister called, and he said the guy was like – Midway. Boiling a pot of coffee. Oh, wow. It just, boom, it exploded. And then she called the company and they were like, that's weird. We never had that happen. She went online.

Apparently, like a ton of these things have been doing this. And then when she went to Target to return it, the lady before, when she had the box, the lady goes, what, did it explode? Someone just came in with one. Wow. Dude, there's these coffee makers going around. I got to find out what they are. I got to tell the people, dude.

You should get that for your enemies. True. You know what I mean? It's like a shrapnel are. I got to tell the people, dude. You should get that for your enemies. True. You know what I mean? It's like a shrapnel bomb. That's what I'm saying, dude. They have no idea. Yeah, Trojan horse, dude. Yes.

Fucking, I got this for you. Sorry. Sorry about our differences. Make yourself a cup of Joe. Kid just gets blasted with boiling water. Where the fuck are you? I'll find this thing, dude. But yeah, I'm putting the word out on these things.

That's because you're a revolutionary. True. True that. I'm just trying to make my dick pants, dude. I'm just trying to be Fred Hampton, head of the Illinois chapter of the Black Panther Party. I got to watch that, dude. Shit rules.

Wait, what's the Fred? That's a different movie. Judas and the Black Messiah. Yeah, Lemaire was telling me about that. Nice. So what's up with that? Just rocks. Yeah?

Yeah. It's finally a movie that's not clearly black exploitation. Really? Yeah. Hell yeah. Dude, it's called a DeLong. It's called a DeLong. Yeah.

DeLong Espresso Maker, dude. Those motherfuckers. Blowing up. Avoid that at all costs, everybody. Or buy it for your enemies. Yeah. True. Do you have a bitch wife?

Yeah. Honey, make me an espresso. She's like, you've been drinking a ton of espresso. I'm like cup 15 today. Damn it, this thing's got to go off soon. I'm fucking losing my mind. Fuck, we have to go to your mom's house tomorrow. Honey.

Instead of bringing it with you, like, let's bring the espresso. To your bitch mom. To your mom. The bitch. You just turn it on, you leave, you just like duck around the corner. Yeah, apparently they're just blowing up. Nice. The point my sister talked to them, they were like, oh, that's really weird. I like that. Oh, dude. I like that, just being like, what? talked to them they were like oh that's really weird i like that oh dude they like that just being like what yeah and they were

like she's like well i think i'm gonna like return it like yeah i mean yeah take it back where'd you get target yeah dude i was like dude if i were you i'd take it back yeah get another one yeah i like that yeah bro yeah it was i'll tell you what though about that adam curtis doc don't watch it if you're hung over really dude i was like laying on the couch coming in and out of like sleep just waking up to different like horrendous images of like immigrants lost at sea like a russian girl tired it was very much like a clockwork orange when these guys eyes like like because it's just so much horrific shit yeah and then a nice calming like british voice just and that is when the black people fought against the intruders it's just like what it's just yeah i couldn't pick it up i wasn't i have no idea what i watched but i know that it was enthralling yeah i tried sitting down

with bay and watching it she was just that is not a bay show did not like it dude not for the one i was like come on give it a chance and there's like some vietnamese lady carrying her bleeding baby through a field and i was like that's horrible come on let's turn on uh 17 again not bad we're halfway through not bad that dude who co-stars, it's not Zac Efron. It's his buddy. I forget his name. We were talking about it earlier. Tom Lennon.

Funny fella. Really? Very funny. You like his comedy? He plays like a nerdy. Yeah, he's very funny. Tom Lennon? Yeah.

There was one thing that made me laugh. The movie makes fun of itself constantly because it's one of those things where he's like, I wish I was my old self again. I could be 17. Sounds like somebody's coffee pot just blew up. It's like a body switch time travel. Somebody's DeLong. Somebody's DeLong just exploded.

We got another one. Yeah, that might have been the real cause of the COVID. Just DeLongies, dude. DeLong's exploding. DeLongies going off. I think COVID started when that girl went up in Just DeLonghi's, dude. DeLonghi's exploding. DeLonghi's going off. I think COVID started when that girl went up in that town. Look at that, dude. Another sign.

Another guy silencing his yapping woman. Every time I hear a sign, I'm like, nice, dude. DeLonghi. Hell yeah, bro. Good for you, man. Finally, somebody took care of that. But yeah, there was one thing. The guy, he's living with his best friends.

He's getting a divorce. What are we talking about? 17 again? 17 again, yeah. All right. He's getting Matthew Perry, obviously, speaking of opiate abuse. He, uh. Did he abuse opiate?

Matthew Perry? Oh, he loved him, dude. Oh, big time. Dude, I, that way. Matthew Perry from Friends. Really? There's episodes he doesn't even remember, he said. I could see that. To be an actor and take opiates i did a short they said you'll love this all right so my buddy no no no

my buddy my buddy uh do you remember the movie euro trip okay well remember like this the nerdy white guy whose sister is the hot chick so that dude travis and another friend wrote this short uh script and they're gonna make a short film and they hired me to play this like robber in it and my girlfriend at the time britney burglar i was a burglar i was like because it's stories about like they're at you kind of look like a burglar at this party oh for sure dude you look like you'd burgle dude i go in i dude i i got pinned for young rock to play a fucking like uh like a homeless transient and like i was so fucking pissed i didn't get it because i got pinned and and then like the apocalypse happened and then i didn't hear

about it and then the shows get ready to come out and then i started watching the trailer and i was like there's no way that that part's in there and of course it is you would have been in the trailer oh if dude i would have it would have been dope but the of course it is. Oh, you would have been in the trailer. Oh, dude, it would have been dope. But the guy they got is way more disgusting, you know. Like I have good cheekbones. Yeah, you're like a handsome girl. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, I'd be mad if I saw you being a homeless guy. Yeah, you'd be like, this is bullshit. They always have to put like a somewhat handsome guy in there. Why can't it just be a real homeless? Let's send him a DeLong.

Yeah. So my friends made this short and they and basically it's about we're at this party and we run out of beer and one of the guys at the party and uh my girlfriend is playing kind of like a like a porn star like go on this beer run and when they go to the beer run i rob them as they're discussing about her giving him a blow job because she's just like you know very fallacious woman yeah um now here's where it gets dope is we show up to shoot we're shooting in the valley hold on a fallacious woman is that how you describe a woman that gives head i think so i think i've heard that before yeah fallacious yeah that's great i yeah i never heard of it i'd like to use that i know because i remember that from not saying you're wrong cha Chappelle show. Remember, remember Chappelle show when they did like,

you know, how well do you know black people? And they had like that white dude who's the writer on the show. And they asked him what a loose he was. And he's a loose cigarette. And then he said, what's a chicken head. And he goes,

it's a fallacious woman. Hell yeah. And that might've been the first time I've ever used it here. I'm really proud of myself for this, guys. I like that, too. That'd be a nice way to accuse a woman of being a hooer. A hooer. Fallacious.

Scoundrel. A fallacious scoundrel. So here's where this shit gets fucking interesting, is Travis, for the guy who owns the house at the party, hires the guy that played Goldberg in Mighty Ducks. Do you remember Goldberg? Yeah. He ran into some trouble.

So this is like, because I remember him from the comedy scene for a minute. He started popping around the comedy store. Goldberg, yeah. He might have gone on stage a couple times. He was terrible. But you could tell he was starting to look a little ratty i think he was just really getting into like the heavy drugs yeah and it hadn't really spilled out to ruin his life completely but the day of the shoot he shows up

and i mean he is fucked up dude like fucked up on somas and he can barely make out words and this is this is like i begged my friend who directed it, Rich, because he has the video of all the takes. They had to cut Goldberg out and replace him with a different actor because he couldn't

get his lines out. So they'd be like, hey, I think we're out of beer. And then Goldberg would be like, the Crip Crap Sliver. Beer run. And they're like, what? It's the funniest shit.

It has to be the funniest thing in the world. And Rich will not show it to him. I'll get it. I will get it. Because now he's cleaned his life up because it got really bad for him. Anybody, if you filmed any movie, like a real dramatic, like think of like a courthouse movie, like two lawyers, and then one of them is actually very high on opiates.

Just like, your honor, this man. Just. Oh, man. Corpus Christi. of them is actually very high on opiates just like your honor this man just oh man corpus crispy jaundice objection we gotta get fucking cigarettes in here but this is where it gets great is that he so we basically say like you know you can't be in this anymore like you can barely get the lines out. So why don't you just go, you know, sleep it off in your car? He probably said, what? Maybe threw a mini fit and then just went to his car and fell asleep. But that was when I found his bag.

And in his bag, he had like a fucking pill bottle of like, of Norcos. So that's like 10 milligram Vicodins. And then he had a whole bunch of Selmas so i just took all his vicodin and then i took them for the scene and then you were like dude i crushed it i burgled i fuck i burgled goldberg but but those opiates it was dude those opiates were like taking three years of acting classes in five minutes. I was so comfortable. And like Rich, the director, was like, I don't know what you're fucking doing, dude, but just keep doing whatever it is. Keep doing it.

Keep going for it, dude. I mean, I was ad-limbing, and it was great. Oh, my God. It's so fucking funny. Which is funny, because that's what Goldberg thought about that shoot, too. He was like, everybody loved it. I'm back to my trailer. Yeah, he's not going to'm back to my trailer. Yeah,

he's not going to go back to my trailer. He's back in his Honda CRV. Wow, he killed it. Having apnea? No,

it's, it's, mission accomplished. We did it. So I have the video of the movie. I think I've got it on my computer,

but the actual video of Goldberg. I'm just pulling down the mirror and just be like, you it on my computer, but the actual video of Goldberg... You're the greatest. You're the greatest actor that's ever lived. I wonder if you've never hallucinated Emilio Estevez, like, come on! Get it together.

Drop down into the butterfly and all? Get a little kick. Just glove one. I'll get it, coach. Flash the leather on you. Dude, that makes me pumped up to hear that you just burgled Goldberg. You burgled her, dude. What's this guy got in his bag?

They weren't hidden. I remember it was like the bag was open, and I know what a pill container looks like, and you could tell that he was fucking on something. So I was just like, I want what that guy's on. Oh, dude. I mean, I would have ate shit in that scene if I didn't get high on Viking. And so back to the point, Matthew Perry, I think that's why

he was so fucking funny and so comfortable and so ironic, whatever that character was, because he was probably toasted on fucking Opes. He was toasted on Opes, dude. Fucking Opes.

Dude, that actually might make me like Friends because I truthfully hate that show. Yeah. I despise that show. Same with the guy from Glee. The guy, like the lead dude from Glee was on heroin. I remember that. Did he die?

Oh, yeah. He overdosed and then the other guy hung himself. Yeah, that's not it. Glee was fucking tragic. Then the other, the girl from Glee ended up drowning trying to save her kid. Yeah, Glee has like a hex on it, dude. Browning trying to save her kid. Yeah.

Glee is like, it has like a hex on it. And then the other girl from Glee got canceled because I think she did like, she, it was about COVID. She like, she said something about how it's not real or whatever. Leah Michelle.

She got like lost all her like Weight Watchers ads and all the other shit that she had. Yeah. Damn. I didn't know that. It's like poltergeist, dude. Yeah. It's cursed.

It is. It's like, it's, they got a lot of them got fucked. The one guy – the guy who hung himself was like getting indicted on child porn charges. The other guy, I forget his name, he – one of like the leads of it, he just overdosed and died. The other girl drowned. And, yeah, that girl now is –

Spoke out against COVID. Yeah. Probably the most egregious offense of all those. I would say. How dare you speak on COVID like. Cancel, yeah. Probably the most egregious offense of all those. I would say. How dare you speak on COVID like that? Yeah, dude. While the president's giving a rally to 20,000 people. You're like, you know, I think this might be bullshit.

I cancel it. What about the president? I think it's done. I haven't heard anything about it. COVID? I think it's slowing down. I think you're right. It's winding.

I think it's just in time for the warm weather. We'll see. Just in time. I hope you can't get it twice because if you can, I'm knocking on that door. Those helium shows are risky business. Yeah. It's just a lot of people in one green room. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, if one person has it, we all have it. But we were all hanging out and i was sitting next to you and we were chilling you were sitting next to christine none of us got it none of us now i already had it so yeah maybe that is the reason why i didn't but no transmission rate within a household is about 20 so what does that mean so like if you have it and you're with 20 people like one of you guys will get it or whatever. Yeah.

If you're with 10 people, two people might get it. Like on average will get it. Yeah. It was – I just must not have had a contagious strain. Well, yeah, and also you need the symptoms too apparently. If you have to be like – if you're not like coughing hard, it's not going to just like leak out of your pores. So that's what I hear. The in science o'connor didn't get

it and we hung out literally the duration of me having covet in the same room like we he was just resigned to the fact that he was getting it yeah yeah and he never got it that would be a fun process to watch o'connor just be like well every once in a while he would put his mask on just while we were in the living room we would just be sitting sitting there. He'd put it on. I'd be like, it's not going to help. It's too late. He's talking like, I know. Get off me. I know.

Just take it. And then I'd sit there and be like, yo, what do you think about the Russian hoax? I'd be like, you're an asshole. You always do this. Just throw a mask. Laying on a couch like this, looking at him. Like a Russia hoax.

Just giving him COVID, being like, you know Trump rules. God. What happened to him last night? He bounced. He was like sitting in the green room by himself. We were all out there partying. And then he was just gone. But his shit was still there. Yeah, he vanished.

His glasses, his clothing. Yeah, like the important stuff. It wasn't just like... He was abducted somehow. He might have been. He might have climbed into the water tower. He might be in that water tower. He's on the top of helium right now.

He might be flavoring some water. It's like Mio. Yeah, man. Yes. Fuck. But good night it was a great night the shows have been awesome

yeah the shows have been really fun that was fun as fuck man yeah come do the next one I will the first one was blessed the more blessed

I was wondering dude yeah LaMare how do you think you did it was it was fun it was fun it was a fun just how grateful this kid is

yeah it always fires me up. Opportunity of a lifetime. Biggest opportunity of your fucking life, and this is how you act. Do you feel like shit right now? No, I feel pretty good. Yeah, it was good, right? Yeah, it was great.

No, no, no. It was a good time. It was a great time. Thank you. Oh, no, I'm joking. Come on, man. That second sleep, dude, fucked me all up, man. What?

I woke up. He got us breakfast. I was up. I went and got my car and then i got back and then he put back on the fucking documentary and it's just like horrific images as i sleep and you're just getting subliminal fucking like murdered asian babies in your head and then i woke up dude and you you woke up to me popped in for a second saw me me and matt matt opened the door first off it was like 20 minutes before i said we'd be here

we were both asleep matt walked in i was just matt i woke up to matt standing there going i saw the yeah i saw the battlefield i saw the soldiers lying on the field and i said oh man two deceased two casualties that was that absolute casualties but i'm walking around with my jeans like over my belly button just like moving around like I've been up for this like 6 a.m I'm like these guys these guys sleeping away the day. I don't care. I was just laughing It made me walk in and on people sleeping just makes me laugh. It makes me laugh so fucking hard Yeah, if that happens to me, I'm like, oh, hey, what's going on? Yeah, what are we doing? I yeah, I always remember that like if somebody you know, you become a dad, you know

I like when you wake your dad up, he's like, I wasn't sleeping. Yeah. What is that? Where you're like, I'm not sleeping. You've got to be first one up in the house. You can't say you're sleeping. If you're the dad, you've got to be first. Because you're a bitch if you're sleeping. Yeah, you've got to be. You're a pussy.

Only pussies sleep. My mom hits me. When we lived in the house on Mount Vernon, I would, like, wake up at, like, 11 o'clock. And I would call my mom. She'd be like, are you just getting up? And I'd be like, no, I didn't know that. Oh, yeah, true. You've got to do that.

Be like, no, I've been up for a while. That's what sucks about getting up. That's why I like getting up early because it's like you wake up at 11 and the day has gone by so much. A bunch of people will message you and you wake up like, oh, fuck. It's like a wait. Yeah, you get up before everybody. You're like, get some calm. And things come in.

How about that? No. We get up like nine text messages. text messages precisely it's just kind of like yeah i wake up to a lot of texts i wake up every day a bunch of texts man yeah surf the web yeah see who's talking shit today every day i'm like this lady um yeah well josh dude what's going on with you what's going on right now and you're uh just doing the podcast yeah what's the podcast the 500 i'm going through rolling stone magazine's list of the 500 greatest albums uh it's great man you know we we're pretty deep on the list now like 384 we've got another seven years of it hell yeah which is a fucking long ass fucking crank all the tunes or how do you do this we do the fair use thing uh well so what we we were with spotify

sold the show much like the rogan deal and did a licensing deal with spotify um and then july came after about a year and our numbers on the app weren't good we were getting like good numbers on everything else but not on spotify yeah and they never told me, they were like, they never said to me, like, you need to make sure it's get everybody to listen on Spotify. I was just like, oh, it's, you know, cause you can talk and we're going to grow the show. We're going to do this. And then July came, you know, in the middle of a pandemic and they're like, yeah, so we just think it's probably best that we, we both part ways. And I was like, you know what? I think you're right. Because all of their notes, I think, hurt the show. They wanted the show to be shorter.

They wanted me to book more diverse. And it was like they would rather. Like, I remember we were getting ready to do. I don't like that. Dude, this. Not me. Not head of the Black Panther Party. You appreciate this, Shane.

They go. I like when the whites force it. True, dude. It's disgusting. Swedes, too, right? They're Swedes, aren't they? Disg whites force it. True, dude. It's disgusting. There's something wrong with that. There's Swedes, aren't there? Disgusting Swedes. Oh, yes.

Daniel Elk. Some fucking Swede telling me to diversify? Nah, I don't like that. It's like, why don't you diversify your country, you fucking white, pale bitch? We had a festival coming up, and we were booking... Yeah, it's like you go, you sit in these TV meetings, and they're like, how about some diversity on the show? It's like, okay, room full of Jews.

How about some diversity in here, motherfucker? Anyway. We were doing a show at Moon Tower. We were getting ready to book it. And I remember I had. We're going to have to delete that. It's a fair point. No, you're 100% right.

Yeah, it's crazy. The people that are don't fire me up on diversity. The worst show note you can get. Yeah. It's like, well,

what if we put a black guy in this? It's like, well, we're working. It's an auto shop in Philly. Or outside of, you know,

it's like this is a tire shop with three dudes in it. Yeah. Like, well, how about a black woman? It's like, have you been is a tire shop with three dudes in it. Like, well, how about a black woman? It's like, have you been to a tire shop? But they wanted me to, I think I had booked for the guests. I think I had booked like Andrew Schultz or somebody.

And at that time, he's a big podcaster. You're definitely going to get eyes and ears on the podcast. And they were like like we were thinking more about that gay asian non-binary comic and i'm just like like which one there's there's so many yeah but i was like i was like but that doesn't make sense for this record like we want people to show up to the show andrew will get asses in the seats you know this other way it's just and that's that's not how you book a show you don't book a show just to be like i'm putting i'm being diverse just because i have to or to

make everybody make somebody happy about it like you book the show especially with mine where it's like the records like make sense if you're a fan of that record i'd rather have you on than somebody that might have more numbers than you and have more followers but you don't know the record just because they're diverse it just it takes away from you want somebody with a real experience with that album um and listen i'll say this about the spotify deal i'm so glad it happened because it gave me more than enough money to live through this pandemic i'm grateful for it now i have it back and and now it's like it's like you guys just doing it all on your own and you don't need like i i've done this a few times i did it with the jam

where i sold it i let him change it same thing with the spotify show i sold it and i let him change it and now it's just like there's i'm right let me do this shit the way that i know how to fucking do it there's a reason you want to buy it yeah because i know how to fucking do it and and those people come in and they're just like they want to change everything they all want to put their hand in it and feel like they did something to earn the money that they get paid yeah it's always fucked up always it always ruined good shit so thanks but like i said fucking sweet i mean here's what I didn't get. The top, was it 500? Yeah. 500.

So last night he was like, come do the show. And I was like, all right, tell me when you get to get rich or die trying. It's not on there. Not on the top 500. Dude.

And that, I mean, what? Grammy? So white dude. So white. Yeah. It fucking pissed me off.

You really think that's one of the greatest records ever made in my world yes in my lifetime get rich or die trying

I swear to god was top 10 I can see you I can see you in the gym at the like when you know with your football team

just like I got the magic stick yes just throwing weight around oh many men come on Oh, many men? Come on, bro. Many men's not top 500? Yeah, true.

Give me one that you... You might have to petition. There's got to be some on there that are just crap. Yes. Just complete crap. What's the worst one? Wait, didn't they redo the list?

They did. Didn't the Rolling Stone have... They had to make it woke. Dude, it is... Because their top 500 wasn't lit it was it wasn't woke enough yeah he's he's 100 right i remember they switched it they swapped it around dude did that fuck up the you did that well no no we're still sticking with the 2012 list because that was the one i had always looked at and i do we're at that point we were you know i think about 100 episodes

into it it's like what's the point of going back and changing? We've already made such a chunk. It's two years. Yeah. But then that new list came out in September. And I remember I looked at it. How many... See, this is what's... How many Jay-Z albums are on that?

And Get Rich or Die Trying's not on? Three or four. Bullshit. I think like... Four to none. I think like the Black album is on there. These are all great albums. I'm not taking them away from you.

And then Reasonable Doubt, I'm pretty sure. Pretty great. But Jay-Z, though, way different than 50 Cent. I agree, but we're talking individual albums, not careers. For sure.

But Jay-Z was 10 times more influential because that's the stuff you have to keep in mind is there'll be a record on the list and you're like, why the fuck is this on there? Oh, because without this record then all of these records

never would have come out we just did one a couple weeks ago the Modern Lovers and it was like I'd never heard of them but it's like some people say

the first actual punk album and because of that it came out in 70 it was recorded in 71 but didn't come out until 76 it just like damn

Modern Lovers but not Get Rich or Die Trying yeah I know I am revolutionary but didn't come out until 76. It just like... Damn. Modern Lovers but not Get Rich or Die Trying? Yeah, no. I am revolutionary. Yeah, Jay-Z also openly supports the DNC set, you know. Yeah, that probably helps. Helps a little.

Yeah, how many Katy Perry albums are on there? None. Thank Christ. I'd be fuming. True. Fucking Satanist. Satanist, dude.

Bitch. Is she Satanist? Fucking Satan Bitch. Is she Satanist? Fucking Satanist. Is she Satanist? Watch The Dark Horse. Yeah, please. She actually got sued for that. She stole that beat from someone and got sued and she lost.

Good. I'm glad she did. She stole that whole... That was like... You listen to it in the other pretty... With the one that's like... That's all of her songs. Yeah.

Yeah, I know it is. One, two, three, and mama's son and I. Oh, yeah. Oh, no, that's... That's California Girls, right? No, that's Teenage Dream. I dated a girl that co-wrote that song. Firework is good.

I don't think it... Katy Perry's got some great songs. Like a firework. Oh, dude, it's... Katy Perry rocks. Dude, Teenage... I think it's Teenage Daydream is a perfect pop song.

Yeah. It's perfect. Yeah, it's really good. Like, it's cheesy, and it's fucking... It's not something I'm gonna rip with my boys, but, you know... Yo, ripping cheesy pop with your boys rules.

100%. I told Matt that gay song I like now. That was tight, yeah. It's a fucking gay-ass song. Which one? I'm into it. It's some Sophie song. Don't worry about it, bro. Sophie? Sophie. That was tight, yeah. It's a fucking gay-ass song. Which one? I'm into it. Some Sophie song. Don't worry about it, bro.

Sophie? Sophie. She was a... She was somebody that would make me fuming. I would be fuming. Why would you be fuming on her? Because she's transgender.

Is she really? Yeah. Well, she was. Oh, she died, right? Then she fell off a roof. Oh, what? Trying to get a glimpse of the moon.

Happens. That's how a lot of them go. The moon is so beautiful tonight. It's the leading cause of death. As soon as they go down, they're like, I'm trying to get some moon glimpses. I should have wore sneakers. As soon as she lit.

I should have had some cross-trainers. She was like, oh, my dear. That's a snap. That's a... Fuck. All right. That's crap. Not on Ash Wednesday. That's absolute junk juice.

You can't do that on Ash Wednesday, dude. Never. Damn, dude. Yeah, that is a fuck... That's a shitty way to die. An unexpected death like that. Like, especially, like, you know, this is gonna be... And then that's it, dude.

Yeah. That's fucking it. You're on the roof. You're like... You know what hits you? When you're on a roof, you're like, people do fall, fear, and die. Yeah. It's like, that's crazy.

Dude, there was like, oh, no. There was that comic, Kyle Ayers, that went on his roof of his house on a date with a girl. And they leaned on something, and they broke through. And he fell, and she fell on top of of him and now he's paraplegic. What? Are they still together? I don't know. I hope so.

I mean, that's a tough breakup to be like, yeah. I saved your life. He's like, yeah. I saved your life. He's pure wind power. He's wind power. He is wind power. Yo, if I go down, make sure I'm in a gamer chair, dude.

If I go powerfully. He's like, get back here. Don't you leave me. Damn. Yeah, she hell in the celled him, dude. That's a tough. It was a hell in the cell. She threw him off the top.

He's just. People are like, holy shit. Holy shit. That's a tough fear John letter. Doing it through text being like, yeah, I had fun and all. I'm sorry. And then he probably has like read to text. So it's like, I'm sorry, we are breaking up.

I'm sorry I squashed you. Squashed him, dude. I'm sorry I crushed your third vertebrae. Damn, so he's... Yeah, dude. Is he still... I think so. I think he...

I didn't know him that well. I'm sure it's Kyle Ayers. I've heard that guy. Maybe it's not... Kyle Ayers... No, no, no. I got to mix up. I got to mix up.

I got to mix up. No, Kyle Ayers... Kyle Ayers is a different dude, but I think the name is in that vein. I can't think of it, though. Yeah, Kyle Ayers, I've seen him in New York. He's a funny guy. It's not Kyle Ayers. Okay.

But it's somebody in that world. If you put them right next to one another, you'd be like, either of them could be Kyle Ayers. Either of you could be. They've got a Kyle Ayers look. Fucking polygic. True. What is his name now? I'm curious a Kyle Ayers look fucking polygic. True. What is his name? I'm curious.

Kyle Ayers being funny. Just Google. Google. He's got a picture of Ruth Bader Ginsburg on his Instagram. Google. That's true. Don't want to shit on that guy. Google cripple comic and see if it pops up.

What are you doing? This is how you lose that Spotify deal. Get all hopped up. This is the thing they wanted spotify wanted when we first started doing we first started getting the deal together because they wanted diversity they're like we need more women so we want you to have a female co-host

right yeah and so you want the show to suck exactly but when they told me how much I was making you start going okay well I'll consider it yeah let's see who it is and they gave me a list of these girls i swear to god every single one was like a lesbian blogger from portland and like whose parents were like militant lesbians and i remember i called spotify and i was like lesbian too dad was a lesbian the brother's a lesbian the whole family's the whole

family of lesbians fuming dude dude and then I'm fuming I call Spotify Shane and I go I go listen if one of these girls is a co-host I'm gonna get kicked

off my own show and it's not it's not even a matter of like you wouldn't have got through I would have said something that just dude

it's like thank god we don't do it live and we edit because you know we just we're joking around. Yeah. Sometimes you say the wrong thing. Exactly. And it's funny.

What the heck? Friendly punch in the arm. I don't know what the fuss is about. You know? Dude, I know. Seriously. We all make mistakes. Yeah, come on.

That would have, dude, that would have been so funny just walking around just like on the imagine if we really did have that like just like a portland just like purple haired lady just sitting across blinking across i mean you're like i mean there'd be no way that wouldn't be the funniest show ever if you added her to this it would actually be oh matt shane and janet's secret janet janet sitting here Jane and Janet's secret podcast. Janet. Just Janet sitting here. Just leaves every single episode. I can't be associated with this.

I want to start walking off. Oh, that's the best thing to do. Dude, I had an idea where we should go on podcast. And first of all, I want to do one where you just, for the first five minutes, you don't talk to the person at all. You're just getting filmed and you're just like, and then they're just looking at you. They're like, all right, just cut it. Then you just keep like and then they're just looking at you and they're like all right just cut it then you just keep that guy yeah that's good it's pretty

funny but the uh yeah walking off in the middle of a podcast is the move just on like something totally like inoffensive yeah you know what um guys i know it's your show it's your show you can do whatever you want but i i don't feel comfortable with this at all they're like we should start kicking guests off they say one offensive thing just thank you we're gonna have to cut we should be the people of like they should be like the uh government agents the black panthers we should lead people into like really fucked up stuff and be like how about that hey man i can't believe look and just go just constantly go viral like telling people how bad they are like you're fucked up bro you gotta get out i want you to leave right now yes have you ever walked off a

podcast no have you ever seen somebody walk off i've seen videos of it no i've never been on a podcast where somebody did that i've seen people get upset pretty hard pretty funny there was some yeah and then it's hard not to keep well it's just funny too to like go back alright I'm gonna do this podcast today it ends with you like I don't know how to leave the situation that's how every podcast I do ends

every podcast I'm just like what the fuck did I just say I sound like such a fucking idiot but yeah tossing a

a woman on that Would have Been horrible It probably I mean of course There's funny ladies out there But there's Yeah if you got like

A woke lady on there It's not the show Of course That's what I'm saying It's like It's like Shows about rock and roll It's not rock and roll at all

Chicks aren't rock and roll Chicks are gay Is that Is that your impersonation of me? No No That's your cool voice. Chicks all rock and roll.

Come up next, little rock and roll. You know what that means. No chicks. Big block of rock coming right at you. Big block of rock for your cock. Come on, y'all. Except for 16-year-old chicks. They're kind of cool.

Rockers love young snares. Well, Matt, let's be honest. What? Who doesn't? People who aren't on the Hall of Fame. Tell you what. Those who can do. Those who can't talk shit.

Come on, LeMaire. You know what I'm talking about, LeMaire, right? LeMaire was big into getting some kisses. He wanted hugs and kisses last year. He's like, Shane, how do I get hugs and kisses? You want some hugs and kisses? I was like, all you have to do is not want hugs and kisses. True.

And then the hugs and kisses come flying. True. You know? That's the thing that I missed the last two times that I've done Molly, is that when I started doing it when I was younger you'd be at the rave and there's just girls everywhere and they're giving you

back massages and you're making out and it's just like a lot of hugs and kisses I love all of you but it's just the group it's like you just want to like be touched

and there's like there's three girls there and everybody's fighting over the three girls you know and they're not touching anybody there's nobody's getting handies nobody's getting handies yeah man that would have ruled I don't know you guys all got handies last night it'd

awesome no it would've been awesome i wouldn't have liked that handy we're not in front of solitude if i take a drug like that i like to be sitting by myself just having a chat i don't want to have sex really no you never had sex on ecstasy? No. Really? Dude, I got a handjob once. You got so many handjobs. I'm the king of handjobs, guys. To be honest with you, I appreciate sometimes a handjob more than a blowjob.

If it's a good. I've had some whack fucking blowjobs. There's no pressure. I'm going to walk away from this shit, dude. I'm out of here. There's no pressure on a handjob. I can't be associated with this type of fucking. There's no pressure. I'm going to walk away. Shit, dude. I'm out of here. There's no pressure on a handjob. I can't be associated with this type of fucking thing. It's also hot. Depending on if they're going, they could be doing the fucking...

I don't like the sword stabber. I don't like that one. You don't like that? Yeah, I don't like when they go... You like the periscope. We do it this way. When girls just grab your dong and they're pulling it towards themselves, it's like, that's not how you do a handjob.

You have a good periscope. Yeah. Iron right down the barrel of that thing. Like a Sir Isaac Newton dude. Yeah, I don't like that. Sir Isaac Newton. God, you're giving me a handjob so Galileo-like. Yeah, I can fuck with that.

You'd prefer a nice hand, an old-fashioned. Yes. Blowjobs are like, blowjobs are just kind of weird because you're kind of i'm like i think about the other person and i'm like you know it's just i am always yeah i always yeah i got something's wrong with me or they're always worried about what other people how they're feeling yeah you can't get into it i'm always just like yeah got a dick in her mouth she's got my dick in her mouth like it's like, what have I done with that thing?

Then they try something and you're like, nope. It's touching her uvula. Yeah. Especially if you had a girl who's just like a certified helmet sucker. It's like, dude, I know. Fallacious? Yeah. No, I'm saying like they just suck your helmet.

And you're like, look, you can't just suck my helmet. It feels too good. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah. Someone just gets your helm and just goes. It's like a girl cheat code. I know it's the best feeling part, and you would think if I just sucked that. But trust me, it's too much.

You got to work some of the fucking dong in there. It can't just be the mushroom tip. I don't want to speak for you guys, but I got a voluminous mushroom tip. One of my ex-girlfriends was... Bulbous. Some would say a bulbous mushroom tip. One of my ex-girlfriends, she was a cam model. We put together a compilation of just every intro to a Josh story.

So I was doing so-mos. You've said words I was doing Somos. Somos? You've said words I've never heard of. You're like, then I broke into Goldberg's bag, and he had a bunch of Deptotryptomol and some stuff. I'm like, what the? Hydro, hydroroxycuts. I'm sitting here like, oh, man, fucking far out.

But no, but this girl was so good. We started hooking up. I met her at the Hollywood Improv. She was actually there to fuck. One of the girls I dated wrote on that Katy Perry song. She did. I believe you. It's just great.

I wanted that relationship to work so bad because she was a multi-multi-millionaire. I mean, she wrote 10 number one hits for Katy Perry. Damn. So when we started dating, I was like. Did you say we wrote? What do you mean? I thought you said we wrote. No, no, no.

She wrote. She wrote. I was like, damn, we wrote what do you mean I thought you said we wrote no no no she wrote she wrote she wrote she wrote Teenage Daydream she wrote Roar a few others

Bonnie McKee that's her name oh yeah you're gonna have to look it up anyway so so but no

but this girl this girl that I dated Tessa like I met her at the Hollywood Improv. She was drunk and she was there to fuck Chris D'Elia.

And I guess he left. You saved her. And I'm sitting, I'm sitting at the bar and she's huge titties. Like award winning boobs. Like this girl's, she was in Playboy. Major boobage. I'll show, dude. I'll show you.

Dude, you're wild. I almost want to show you this video. This is how cool she is. There's a video of her. We did it in slow motion of her sucking my balls. It's hilarious. It's hilarious. Because it's in slow motion on the iPhone.

You can see how I wanted to avoid the evil hippies. I was in the green room and an evil hippie would come to me like, look at my balls. No! These are humorous ball suckers. But here. This will be funny.

Your instincts are correct. I would like this too. Let's do this one. Are you ready? I'm ready. He's getting your balls sucked, dude. Wait, it gets better now. The ending of this. We see your butthole at the end.

Look at that hairy scrote, dude. Nice, dude. You got some low-hanging fruit, bro. What's going on here? Listen, hold on. Wait. Shit, Drew. Wait.

Why's she grimacing? She's grimacing. Oh, you're going to get the pop sound. All right, that was worth it. True. I'll give you that. It's like Lizard Fossia. She's like,

Yeah, that's nice. Great check. Yeah, and then you're hanging out with these lame-os last night. Nobody's sucking your balls. Nobody's sucking my balls. The iPhone's only gotten better since that was been reported. Imagine how much slower we could have gone.

That should be one of those iPhone ads where they have like the selfies. I just teabag you. That's awesome. That's a good buzz. So I meet her at the Hollywood Improv. She's sitting at the bar. She walks up.

I'm talking to my buddy. I'm like, hey, what are you doing here? She's like, my friends left me and I need a ride home ride home and i'm like oh shit and she's like will you give me a ride home she's like i'll fuck you and i was like check please and i take her out to my car and i fuck her right in front of the hollywood improv in my car and then we go back to my place we fuck all night and then like i don't see her again for like three or four months and i run into her at the comedy store we We start fucking again. I love, I've never in my life said we fucked all night.

Really? I've never once. I have it all. This crazy shit is. Oh, you don't need to show it. No, I'm not going to show you that. No, no, no, no. I'm not going to show you that.

But we have, I have all the video from it. It was just like, it was, it was, she was like, I don't know if she was on ecstasy or drugs or whatever, but she was fucking very fallacious. And then we started dating, which is ridiculous. It was a weird thing. She was depressed. I was depressed. She was a fun hang.

And she also cooked me dinner and bought me things. I mean, that's a relationship. It's a relationship. I told her this. But she was so good at giving a blowjob. What we used to do was I would set the stopwatch and she would start

and then as soon as I came, I'd fucking stop it. I mean, she'd get it done under a minute. That's fantastic. Under a minute. Man, that's fun. It was insane. I could never set the stopwatch.

I did it. I'd be all over that thing. I'd be looking at it like, hurry, hurry. I'm soft. World record's coming. Come on. Hurry up.

We can make the world record. And I'm soft. And I'm soft. I'm so sorry. Oh, I have nervous bird time. Something's very wrong. I got to go talk to someone. I didn't mean to go out that day.

That's great. That's awesome, man. Look at you, Josh. You're fucking nuts. I'm the best. Thank you. You are the fucking best. I love you guys. I love you. Where are we at time nuts. I'm the best. Thank you. You are the fucking best. I love you guys.

I love you. Where are we at time-wise here? I thought that. Wow. This is a great episode, man. You got to get home. You got to get some. I do.

Fuck. It's all right. My mom's making London broil, and she's going to be mad. It's all right. Dude, add it to the compilation. What a perfect ending. Well, I can't wait to have this London Burrell. All right, Josh, you're the best, dude.

I love you. Thanks for coming. I love you. My pleasure. This was great. All right, thank you. Yeah.