Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 337-The Invisible Man

Episode Date: March 3, 2021

Lemorp ponies up to the big kidz table and has a good old time with the D.A.W.G.Z. Topix include Power Rangers, Cuomo's old face grabbin' ass, Killing animals as a kid and MORREEE! Support the D.A.W.G.Z. @ patreon.com/mssecretpod 

we are live wow here wow lamar's back dude at the big kids table dude thank you left the little thank you he's a saboteur i think lamar trashed the setup before he left he definitely yes he came in and helped fix our setup after we fired him for production. Yeah, we needed some help. Someone else is getting fired. I don't know who. I might fire myself. I might quit. I might fucking quit. I might kill myself.

This shit's fucking hard. I might. Matt, you do a great job on those intro videos, man. Thank you, bro. Yeah. It is what it is. Please, come on. Those are good.

Matt's been making... Oh, man, the intro video is so good. That's not me, dude. Yeah, it is. Yeah, it is. It's not me dude yeah yeah it is not me bro yeah lamar is that a white power ranger that's yellow is that the yellow ranger no it's the black power ranger with the dragon shield armor on did you did you feel necessary to wear a dragon shield before you came here no yeah i was at the gym and this is how i like to work out like a power ranger fuck yeah dude yeah i was at the gym, and this is how I like to work out, like a Power Ranger. Fuck yeah, dude.

Yeah, yeah. I was at the Y. Yeah. Yeah, with old ladies. I was hanging out with old ladies. No, that's good. Hell yeah. My cousin used to do that.

He used to wear sweatsuits, depending on what Ranger he wanted to be. Yeah. Pretty tight. He was the Red Ranger a lot, I remember. Red Ranger was a honk. I was more of a Green Ranger guy. Tommy. Come on, man.

Yeah. He came in like, yeah. Tommy was the bad boy right i mean yeah yeah trust me somebody call us that but yeah i was more of a fan of the guy talking the head you're like i love that guy so i just love the way he handled his business true just like go get it done i'll tell you guys what to do yeah he was the fact that he was just a head holding it down like that you take no back talk. What were the villains after in Power Rangers? Were they trying to end the world?

Yeah, they were just trying to take over the world. And they won. In the first season, they won. Yeah, really? They beat the Power Rangers. I remember that. And then the Power Rangers got new powers. That bitch.

There's a lady. She's a bitch. Rita Repulsa. Rita Repulsa, that fucking bitch. What a bitch. What was her problem? Just wanted to take over the world? No, she was trapped in a jar for 10,000 years.

They let her out. Gordon was trapped in a fucking plasma tube. He's not being a bitch about it. Wait, was he out? Nah, Gordon was in a tube, dude. Zordon. Zordon. Zordon.

Gordon. He's just a big Canadian guy. It's actually Gordon. But wait, what was his... Did he ever... Was he ever out of that tube yeah he used to be out of the tube but then like war happened and the only way he could stay alive was to go into the tube because remember so you know the the the cannon dude i love the cannon dude i love

the power ranger cannon so he was out of the tube pre-rangers or did he train the rangers then go back to the tube he never actually trains anybody he's just he's just like their all-knowing guy he's like they're uh he's like yoda kinda gotcha where like he just knows what's up and they're like oh i guess we got to do what he says wasn't kind of like a fat-faced white guy it was steve from jerry springer it really it looked like buzz from a fucking home alone yeah i wonder if it was the same actors i think it was uh it was Yeah. It really looked like Buzz from fucking Home Alone. Yeah. I wonder if it was the same actor. I think it was just like some big white guy.

Did Zordon ever fuck with Rita? Did they have a past? I think there was some intermingling, but I don't think they had like a relationship. Maybe. Gotcha. Maybe, though. Was she the bad, the supervillain the whole time? I think Zordon smashed and Rita was was just like yeah i think zordon grabs her face at a party

yes her bra size i think zordon fucking yeah might have grabbed face why else i can't believe dude did you see kumo cuomo whatever his name is brothers fucking sold him out no his brother sold him out oh he was just kind of like it's a conflict of interest basically he tried to be like hey man i got nothing to do with this it's like damn dude damn his brother was getting in trouble for like touching the small of women's backs that's what cuomo's in trouble for yeah bro he was at a well he well there's a picture though i think he like put hand he put a hand on the back of it. The lady was wearing...

It is so nice putting your hand on the small of a woman's back. First of all, the lady... I will say that is sexual harassment. Bare back. And she was wearing one of those dresses that her whole back was shown. Oh. So it was like a dress. He couldn't keep his hands off that.

How could you? If you felt like you had the green light to do that you would do it well here's the problem he also he again he was going he thought he was all above board he was going to young women and telling them he would go just so you know i'm fully open to having relationships with women in their 20s which i didn't know you had to say out loud because i thought that was assumed every fucking powerful man was doing that but yeah he was going around like touching the small small of women's backs and being like i fuck you guys in case you're wondering that if you're young and hot i will fuck you and then he at one point seems like that's he grabbed a lady's he like the lady

was like yo man get off my back and he was like i thought you were being kind of aggressive i'm being honest and then he grabbed her face according to sources, he gave a double face grab and I think was like, kiss me. And she's like, no. Cuomo, the face grab is insane. There's a picture of the face grab. But then people are saying, someone was there with a camera?

I think it might have been a setup, bro. Someone's like, yo, grab that chick's face. She wants to fuck you. It's also, this is the problem too. I was just, I was just talking to my boy about this, which again, I was so happy I went to his house because he filled. I didn't know any of this was going on.

He filled me in on his house following it. Watching Fox. Yeah, he actually I didn't know Trump came back and gave a speech. I did. He's like, bro, he's like, I'm not going to lie. I had to put on all my Trump gear. I was fired up. He got pumped up on it.

He said Trump came was like, did you miss me? That was his first one. i watched it so he was telling me about that and he was like bro i'm sick over what they're doing at cuomo he's like because then we have pictures of joe biden like doing the same thing to kids constantly grabbing their faces and shit no one was saying anything about that so you know whatever but yeah dude his brother went like that's conflict of interest for me not being like i would have been like free my brother dude right my brother was getting too much pussy and he grabbed face that's the other thing too you grabbed face dude he dude you're the governor of new york this is so crazy small back i understand but every single man knows what you're doing yes that's why everyone was like yo if you saw someone with your bay and their hand on the small of their back,

you'd have to karate chop their arm just to save face. Otherwise, yeah. Yes, you'd be disrespected. Yeah, you are being disrespected. But this guy, dude, that was one of those old safety, like, can we fuck? I can touch you. Yeah, like, can we? Yeah.

Because people will do that. Like, here you go. I mean, I think the safe zone, if you find a woman crossing the street, if a woman's in an intersection, you can touch her anywhere you want because you can be like i'm just trying to get you to safety man yeah i'll get your butt you while you watch your head the small back yeah i guess i guess kind of the rule bareback too don't do anything you wouldn't do to your mother small little back in a sweater i would never small the back my mom yeah but i'll i'll kiss upon greeting my mom so yeah but you can do the cheek thing you can be like i'm actually into i'm i'm real sophisticated true yeah i guess but i guess you have to like you have to like be like outwardly

refined enough to like kiss upon greeting yeah you can't be wearing a sweatsuit yeah you can't be wearing like a fucking carhartt overalls and just be like, how you doing? You should do that. Next time if you go to a construction site, do that. Unless you're Italian. Just show them. If you're Italian, you can wear a wife beater and a chain and just kiss your mom however

you want. True. Yeah, no mouth kiss. No mouth kiss. If you're Italian, you kiss your mom on the mouth. Damn, they're coming in throwing shots at Gardini. Shots at the WAP. How's it feel?

You feel like you've been freed from your prison sentence? No. That hell that was producing this show? It wasn't hell. I felt bad at first

because I fucked up and I was like, ah. But then when you guys like, you got Sean, I was like, oh,

he's such a, that's a better pick. Like, he's going to do such a good job. And then he made that video, the RIP video, and I was like, like oh he's such a that's a better pick like he's gonna do such a good job and then he made that video the the RIP video and I was like oh he's already a hundred times better yeah yeah yeah I don't know you came in today just emergency tech you know yeah it's good it's good to know you live very close by it's nice to be able to get here in five minutes yeah yeah yeah this was the most on time for a show you've ever been i will say

people were fucking crying people were like people were grieving you their legs fucked up first of all you know a bit of a case of crybabyism where you give one thing oh i don't like that take it away put it back yeah fucking four-year-old you take it give it back it's like shut up but the um that had to feel good having the the outreach the support felt nice yes i felt careful yeah thank you guys thank you do you do you like do you show up to the raven now like i have so many fucking fans to all the other open not the other part of me the open mic is down there are you like yeah shit yeah do you now do you go to the raven with just like a cloak over your hood and like stand in the

back don't worry. I'm here. No, I just sit there and drink for free. That's all. Tight. That's the only way to do the Raven. It's kind of the only thing you really got to do. If all else fails, you pretty much get free drinks and stand up. You're a legacy host.

I'm a legacy. Can I go get drinks there for free? Yes, you can, dude. Yes. Start blacking out every Thursday. I might start going. If you started going there and secretly just getting bombed

I'd be so happy that would be a tight double life yeah if you had a double life and that like came to me like eventually the wheels just flew off and you're like

I've been a drunk this whole time I thought about that before if I like wildly if I held down like a very quiet like drug opiate addiction

because I have promethazine from like a way left over like cough thing you used to sip that right you used to sip have promethazine from like a way leftover like coffee you used to sip that i said i said that promethazine i might dude i might fuck around and sit me a fucking eight my poor i told you my friend drank an eight eight basically i think it's a half a point or a point is like eight ounces of syrup my friend drank a whole he was holding my syrup bro i bought

a bunch of it i was i thought i was gonna be the juice man yeah and he uh my friend fucking was holding at the spot he drank it all and he fucking drove into a hill he crashed into the hill right out front of my parents house i'm like how'd you crash in front of the hill and i'm like where's my syrup and he's like i drank it bro fuck wait did he drink it before he left yeah he just drank all my scissors dude syrup is a crazy thing it doesn't really do much to you if you just drink really yeah but you it's expensive as fuck and you drink like i think it's like 30 bucks for an ounce and you drink it and it's like if you take pills with it it fucks you up you have to drink a lot of it and then you're just like you could just you know we just get tired yeah you get chopped and screwed yeah i knew i knew the chopped and screwed part but you're just like you could just you know what you just get tired yeah you get chopped and screwed yeah I knew

I knew the chopped and screwed part but is that yeah you get chopped so you just if you drank like if you powed if you powed up a four

a foe you'd be kind of chopped and screwed but like if you just my friend said I just need Paul Wall if you said I just need the people's champ

I'd be like yo play Paul Wall just watching Paul Wall YouTube videos at 4am but the problem is is when you buy syrup people cut it with caro syrup so then if you're if you're buying syrup you got to twist the cap because if the cap's

crusted that means someone cut you with caro and then you got like that xx you get sugar on the top i don't think anyone's sipping syrup anymore but like that was a big thing you get caught you but i think it wasn't mac miller i think he i think he died i think he was also kind of on those oxen xanthus too i think he got hit with some fentanyl i think i think he quit he claims he quit but yeah you know how it is you know how it is man i'm like i still i still look at that little fucking pint sitting there i'm like i might pull up right now i might start pulling up headshot drink you can tell too though you should pull up and just like go out to dinner with your family. Just,

well, you heard about that. There's a professor who like came out and was like, I think we should decriminalize heroin. I'm a professor of psychology at Columbia. And he's like, there's nothing. He's like,

I like to casually do heroin. He's like, there's nothing. He tried to like, he's like, you know, obviously the guy's like a PhD. So he's like super refined, but he was like, there's something about like cuddling up with a warm

blanket by the fire and just doing some lines waking up all refreshed for the next day what he'll like snort lines of heroin by the fire and he's like i wake up feeling great dude i think time's cyclical we're going back to now where weed's going to be legal opiates there's going to be like little opiate tinctures people can take all we're just back in like the early 1900s so that's all it is like weed used to be it'll be legal again and you'll be able to like you'll be able to do coke like a general the fuck are you doing burping yeah soda burps soda burps you're drinking soda at the y no he just sipped his you were in a you were at the ymca in a power rangers sweatsuit drinking soda no he just sipped his soda. You were at the YMCA in a Power Rangers sweatsuit drinking soda? No, he just drank his soda now.

So, wait, you're telling me you have pizza night belly? Right now, yeah. You have TGIF belly, dude. Whoa. I remember, dude, five slices of pizza and like half a two liter of ginger ale watching Urkel just being like... Just ready to explode. Yeah, it's boy meets world yeah man fuck dude yeah dude that guy's uh he's coming out being like yo it's fucked up i can't do heroin and just like something about heroin

always leads you to like a fire like normally if you're homeless you're just standing by a trash barrel it's on fire it's nice it's getting cozy you're just like i'm on heroin i'm high as fuck where's the fire i want to see what the fire is doing it's a fair point but yeah are you drinking that with a straw what's that about why that's i don't want to i was drinking out of the can and then i was like the lady gave me a straw so i gotta use a straw i didn't want to like uh you don't want to waste a straw. Straws are a nice commodity these days. True. Yeah, they are.

That's a nice black market for straws. To give you the paper ones that disintegrate. Yeah. Here's the real shit. No, I'm just saying. Oh, yeah. There's the guy behind the register like, I got you. That's got the stamp on it.

You seem cool as hell. Don't worry. I got one for you. This has been burning a hole in my pocket um i watched have you seen invisible man it's the ultimate it is a white woman fantasy so the movie starts this first off ugly white woman living in a trillionaire's house cash money records trillionaire dude is this the kevin Bacon one or the new one? This is the new one.

Okay, okay, okay. And so it starts with her escaping from her husband or boyfriend or whatever he is. And him sprinting out after her and punches her sister's car window when she's picking him up. Which is hilarious. Hell yeah. Which immediately I was like, this movie's hilarious. And he's like, boyfriend that's like, bitch, come back. And punching a window.

And then chasing after the car with good form. I gotta come. Yeah, it's like, bitch, come back. And punching a window. And then chasing after the car with good form. I gotta come. Yeah, it's like, I love you. And then punching a window and being like, get back here, bitch. We can work this out. It must have felt so good as her sister's window just being like, fuck you too. Yeah, true. But then he fakes his own suicide and he invents a military technology to be invisible just to bother her

oh what yeah and she's like you don't understand how powerful and manipulative manipulative he is you know that's her whole thing so he's just invisible and just like he's invisible and he goes and like starts fucking with her at first and then obviously he takes it too far he like kills her sister which which is hilarious. Punches away into the car? No, they're out to eat and all of a sudden a knife's floating next to her and he cuts this.

That part was sick, but the whole movie... So she escapes this boyfriend and goes straight to this black, this incredibly jacked, handsome black guy's house. And I was like, I get it, dude.

I get the invisible man. Be like, what the fuck is this? So this black dude has a black daughter. And the white lady's like, please help me. And they're like, of course, you're family to us. Yeah. And they're like, yeah, he was a dick.

Men are such manipulative pieces of shit. He was gaslighting you. Like, I was sitting there just furious. The black guy? Yeah. I mean, of course, he's like. The black guy was saying they're just furious yeah i mean of course he's like well essentially yeah you know he was saying it different he's like man he'd be gaslighting you he was saying it different but yeah he was trying

but was the guy wearing like a sweater did they go like did they do like a hal stella there's always like the good... If you watch Hal Stella's Got a Groove Back or any Tyler Perry movie, there's the good archetypal black dude who has a sick record collection and wears sweaters and glasses. He's like, I'm just trying to really work out.

Was it like... He was a cop, which also made me laugh because they were very pro-police a couple of times in this movie. Sick. She's talking to her sister and she's like, you're so strong. You're like a police officer.

And I was like, fuck. This movie came out a year before they realized that would be a problem. Ah, that's hilarious. But there's one part where the lady's in bed

and then the jacked black dude, best friend, comes in to be like, are you all right? And his body is so absurd that it's comical. His tricep is out like a foot. It's like sticking out a foot. And Like his tricep is out like a foot. It's like sticking out of,

and then she gets, she gets a bunch of money from the settlement with her ex. And this is my favorite part. Cause then she's like, I set up a college fund for your daughter. And then her and the black people celebrate. She's saving the black family. Of course.

Also, there's no, no mention in this movie of how this incredible, not incredibly ugly, but ugly woman for a billionaire that invents invisibility. Like what is she doing? Yeah, why is he like

punching her? It makes no sense. The whole thing makes no sense. Why'd they cast that lady? I'm not sure. I swear to God it was every woman's fantasy and then it's like

just the idea of like every they've never lost a fight. They've just been manipulated. Yeah. He was such a fucking... I can't wait to watch this. I was gaslit so many times. It's like, no, you lost arguments.

Stop trying to make weird excuses after the fact. You're just losing arguments. That'd be funny to have like in the middle of that when they fight. I don't know if you can tell. I've been accused of this before. I'd be sick if they had like a passionate love scene once she finally like

lets her guard down around her new boyfriend and the camera just reveals they're both naked but he has boots on oh yeah she's in the recliner it's the whole time

just imagining like a disgruntled boyfriend going through all he was like living in the attic of the black guy's house it's like whole time just imagining like a disgruntled boyfriend going through all he was like living in the attic of the black guy's house it's like why is this but then i was also laughing about him he's invisible he only fucks with her like occasionally so then that means most of the time he's just invisible like going around town just chilling and he's like oh fuck i gotta go fuck with that bitch oh when he goes and like rips her covers off. It's so funny. That would be sick if at the very end he records the sex scene

and at the end of it it's just him uploading it to like Pornhub. Just like BBC destroys mature white lady. She's a floating cell phone. The Invisible Man. And then there's a real plot twist when it's revealed she's pregnant recently which means the invisible man fucked her and cream pie are asleep hold on the invisible man and he would have had to have taken his dick out of the suit so that means there was just a dick floating in her room one night a hard dick there was just a solid five and three quarters

just floating it's like a solid five and three quarters just floating it's like you fucking bitch that's gotta be crazy to be a Jack Black guy and wake up and there's a floating five and three quarters you're like what the hell

get this thing out of my house oh no no get that damn thing out of my house but fucking punches it it's also again

if you protect yourself from five and three quarters you probably just fucking Wakanda it's the it is the absolute white woman It's also, again... If you protect yourself from five and three quarters, you probably just fucking Wakanda. It is the absolute white woman fantasy because her and the black guy, they're just friends, man.

They're just friends. Really? And she's happy to help out the daughter. Wait, they don't never smash? They never smash. Dude, they're totally cheating. Why would that be

the first house she goes to? Because they're just friends, man. Yeah. This is the white woman fantasy. Yeah, that's weird. Every woman's fantasy is like, what, my incredibly jacked hot friend? Wait, so the fantasy is to drain a bunch of money off of a rich white guy and then be like, here, I saved you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, to be like, I'm saving you. You can go to law school now. So she wants to divert money from military technology funds and then being like, here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can go to law school now. So she wants to take, she wants to divert money from military technology funds and then being like, here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can go to a creative writing major.

At one point, she goes on an interview to an architecture place and he just takes all her stuff out of her suitcase. It's so funny. And she gets there and is like,

I have nothing. He had to be sitting there like. Dude, I might go home and punch my wife's mirror this movie's pissing me off this movie it could have been so good

if the invisible man would like fart in the house like a loud fart just in the room with you he's here he's here right now it's in a Jurassic Park

they're just like was that you oh fuck god he's in the house oh god so he was in the attic just chilling there he was in the attic chilling he was yeah he would come down at night to like He's in the house. Oh, God. So he was in the attic just chilling there. He was in the attic chilling.

Yeah, he would come down at night to slap people in the face. It's so funny. He pretended to be dead. Yes, he faked his suicide to bother his ex. The whole thing made no sense. I need to see a picture of this. I want to see what kind of stretch this was. It's called The Invisible Man.

It's a stretch when you see the lady and then you realize that she was married to a billionaire tony stark basically yeah he lived in a tony stark house she must be a first wife then you know ah before he invented the cloak yeah before he invented the cloak oh man wait a second this lady oh this lady's in a lot of stuff yeah yeah yeah no that's uh she was i mean on the cover definitely she's not looking the best on the cover the whole movie she's hysterical and crying again girl fantasy oh jesus oh god everywhere i go i spaz out and everybody does what I want. Dude, I'm reading a book right now called The Hidden Persuaders from the Adam Curtis documentary. It's a dog whistle.

No, no. All right. Dude, please. No, I know. It's just a funny thing to call. The Hidden Persuaders? Yeah, it's The Hidden Persuaders. Dog whistle is just a thing for people who come up with it.

Oh, that's your dog whistle? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I just came up with a funny slur. Yeah, the hidden persuaders. You know, the guys who control the media. In my school, they would do that. They're like, you know when Trump talks about teen pregnancy, he really means, these are old white ladies. He really means pregnant black and Latina teenagers.

And I was honestly like, I never once made that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like if you watch Teen Mom, there's a ton of like white trash ladies. But the, they're like he's clearly dog whistling like i'm pretty sure you think of black teenagers when you think of teen mom because i don't think that's what they're talking about but they're talking about how yeah because the term dog whistling means it's a cadence that normal people can't perceive as racist but you if you were racist you'd be like yes exactly so if you're you know if you're

like that's a dog whistle it's like how do you know exactly you can hear that you can hear how do you hear the pitch i can't i have a phd in social work i studied i studied judith butler oh he touched it again dude the book it was from the curtis documentary about how they started using psychoanalysis in marketing to like fuck with people but the one study they did and this is before they had like the algorithm basically to study us all in real time do the one study they're talking about how this was in the 50s how they figured out that women i don't want to talk about this during you know women's month but they were saying it's women's month right now in march

but they were saying i wish i didn't know that they were saying that i women's month right now in March, but they were saying, I wish I didn't know that. They were saying that. I wish I hadn't just heard that right now. Why would they have a, whatever. So they, one study figure, like,

you know, they did a bunch of these, but the one study figured out that there's a mental changes that accompany women's menstrual cycle. And they were allowed to like, you know, run these studies in the fifties. So they're saying they had to figure out how to sell products because they were like women

two weeks out of the month have this like go-getter capacity like i want to take something on i want to do i don't want to do something new i'm going to go on an adventure the second half what's worse than that the second half i want to do something the second half of the month this is what marketers figured out the 50s the second half of the month it's like i don't want to be stressed i'm overwhelmed i need like attention and care so the marketers in the 50s would have to advertise like bake things like it would have to be like a quick easy thing but also like try a new thing and they'd have to advertise both at once so they didn't know where women would be on their cycle is that why there's recipes on the back of like boxes and shit definitely yeah dude god damn yeah i saw that one where they you gotta add an egg to

the betty crocker or whatever that was the cake because women needed to feel like they were contributing say they did the same thing was like okay just pretend to add an egg to it like that matters i am helping they did the same thing in latin america with campbell soup they didn't uh and it's like soup's like a big thing in you know in those countries so like it was seen as like you would be, and this is the whole thing they're selling. Like it's not just soup. You're being a good mother. But if you did like instant soup in America, like we're like, whatever, who cares? In Latin America, it's like, oh, I'm a bad mother because I should be making like the good soup.

So they just sold Campbell soup in Latin America as a soup base so that they could chop their carrots and be like i've done it don't you yes it's like white moms with stouffers yeah is it pronounced stouffers stouffers right yeah stouffers stouffers bro stouffers i'm sorry it probably is stouffers i never realized that i don't know i don't think i ever had it really never ate that yeah i had a killer joke about the old i remember that remember that. I remember that. That's why the concern, I knew the concern was like, have I been saying that wrong? I didn't know. I used to bring up potatoes au gratin, and people were like, that's so funny how you say it like that.

And I was like, I thought that's how you say it. I thought it was au gratin. I heard you say it, and I took it. I was like, are these potatoes au gratin? And people were like, are you fucking retarded? I was trying to pronounce it. This is a baked potato. I was like, are these potatoes au gratin? And people were like, are you fucking retarded? I was trying to pronounce it. This is a baked potato. I was like, I don't know what au gratin is.

I think it's just cheesy. I think it's just when you make cheesy potatoes. When you cut a potato and bake them and then put cheese. It's like macaroni and cheese, but instead of macaroni, you put potatoes. It sounds great. Yeah. They are delicious. How do you say it?

I think it's potatoes au gratin, but I used to call it potatoes au gratin because it was a foreign word. So I had to pronounce everything as far as I could. I think you did the right thing. I think I'm right. But someone was like, yo, it's so funny how you added that in there. And I was like, yeah.

I remember one time you said a word wrong. I know what you're talking about. The old adage. Yeah. See how the old adage goes? Yeah, it's because you're talking about. The old adage. The old adage. See how the old adage goes? Yeah, it's because you're a reading fool. You're reading all these books, dude. I read beyond my fucking, my milieu.

Yeah. That's a good word, man. Milieu. Andrew said it right, too. Yeah. Now I Google pronunciation after I've been embarrassed a bunch of times. Even those are tough. Huh?

Google pronunciations. Hard as fuck. You get three. Because it's a bunch of times. But yeah. Even those are tough. Huh? Google pronunciations. Hard as fuck. You get three. Because it's a robot saying it. Yep. It's like, I don't know how to enunciate the way this thing does. Exactly. You can't be in the middle of a conversation and be like, mill you.

But yeah, that was, it's funny too, because I was listening to a song the other day and a guy was, he was like, you know the song, How Can You L god it's the thing that kanye sampled from okay but the guy's like he's an alpha and omega and i'm like yeah that guy read outside of his idiot and the omega and i was like oh hell that guy read it was like alpha and omega hell yeah no one no one in his network was able to be like exactly they're just like yeah whatever i don't know what you're fucking talking about I guess it's Omega I guess it's Al Gratini I got one more burn in my pocket

dude that fucking this is not I watched it the whole the whole way from start to finish that movie I was like this is where'd you watch it

every woman's fan in my living room with a lover I watched it with a white lover really so she liked it what were you telling her i was like this is for every white dumb bitch i'm a poor lover but yeah i mean i

was just laughing at the idea of uh every single woman who's ever lost an argument has been like he's a manipulative piece of shit it's like no you just can't debate yeah did you ever see the other one the one on netflix that just came out with the lady uh roseman pike or whatever it's called i care a lot no it's like this white lady she's like this evil person and she's just bad the whole time and life just gets better for her for being like an evil white lady what well i like that takes over the world i always wanted to make that movie where someone instead of problems happening gets sweeter and just gets better and better.

So this lady just keeps being worse and gets worse and worse and then she goes up a level. She's just like rich by the end of the movie. Sounds good. Yeah, sounds like exactly how life works. I'm not sure. You gotta get a little closer. Coming of age tale

we gotta get these mics right up on you and me so they can all hear us breathing yeah you gotta on these roads you gotta be on them yeah I saw a comment

about me mouth breathing and it shook me really? that's one of my deepest fears so then I'll hold my breath the rest of the podcast what? oh no

nah let it out bro I got another one this has been burning What? Oh, no. No, let it out, bro. I got another one. This has been burning. What's happening? And every time I say it, it makes me laugh, and no one else really likes it that much. I love the best. All right.

So that guy who killed that gymnast coach who killed himself before trial. Nassar's boy. What was his name? Geddert. Larry Nassar's boy. Nassar was part of it. I think his name? Geddert. Larry Nassar's boy was Geddert. I think his name was Geddert. Is it John?

Yeah, Nassar was the head of the snake, and this was kind of his wrangler. Nassar was the trainer, and this guy was the coach. This guy was the guy. He was the one injuring him. For real. That's what they were saying. He was making them go over and over and over to where he was like, yeah, you'll be seeing. It also sounded like he was just a good coach. I listened to a couple of lady interviews now, minus the sexual assault part.

But all the women were like, he worked us so hard. He worked us too hard. And it was like, we did win gold at the Olympics. It's like, okay, well then don't play for the team. I've never heard a New England Patriot be like, oh, fucking Bilicek. He worked us too hard. It's like count the rings dude true every good coach gives sexual assault though you know a little uh smack on the it's embedded in sports culture yeah a little but a little friendly fingering him him killing a 13 year old yeah just killing himself before trial is the ultimate move dude that was insane just them being like

just this saying just knowing you're gonna kill yourself and having confidence going around like people like the victims families being like have fun rotting in prison the rest of your life and just being like well i bet you i don't it's just that's all i've been laughing so hard they're like yeah well we'll see your ass in court. He's like, I'm actually not going. I'm not going to be there. It's also crazy. The judge was like, well, I didn't think he was a flight risk. It's like the guy under 10,000 counts of child rape who was just following one of the largest court cases. They were probably like, you better not fly anywhere.

I'm not. I promise. Promise I'm not flying anywhere. I'm not going anywhere. Well. That's crazy. I'm going to shoot myself. I think he killed himself behind a dumpsterster or at least that's what I saw.

I just saw like the helicopter footage and the cops were around a dumpster, which is hilarious. He was just like, I'm actually not going to court. Just walking by the dumpster. How do you not just immediately grab that guy and be like, Hey dude, you're like,

if you're somehow found innocent, we'll let you back out. But right now it's pretty, seems pretty solid that you were tied in with that other very high profile pedophile who just like abused i mean epstein he checked out everybody's like you're gonna face justice and epstein was like i bet you i don't that's that's where i started to get paranoid i'm like how'd this guy have the wiggle room to kill himself do you know how fucking mad i would be? It's like, dude, first of all. Oh, if you were like a family member?

Yeah, dude. Yeah, of course. But it's like how. Got checked out. The judge is like, all right, so I guess come in around 9, 30, 10. Yeah, he's like, well, I'm not. I'm not coming. For your apocalyptic fucking.

Like, well, you have to be here at 10. I don't. I'm not coming. The thought of a guy catching a lift and being like, oh, it's on here. My lift's fucking late. I got to go to child molester eternal sentence child molester court that's crazy they didn't scoop that dude like bro get in here yeah i mean dude in the philippines people give it to work day shit he just fucking caps drug dealers

yeah if he even if he breaks in they have to see that you have drugs not even the police a bounty hunter can just shoot you in the face. And the bounty hunter gets 2,000 bucks. Where's that? In the Philippines. All right. They have bounty hunters. Yeah.

They have bounty hunters where they'll just come in, shoot you, and the government's like, here's two Gs. And you're like, sweet. And if you shoot someone accidentally,

they're like, bro. Come on. You could wear, you could do that. You could get your boys together. Get like three or four get your boys together. Get like three or four of your boys. You all get different Power Rangers suits.

There's no laws against what bounty hunters are wearing. You can break in and be like, huh. Just shoot a guy in the fucking head for rolling a joint. Put the drugs down. But yeah, killing yourself and being confident. Like Hitler in the bunker. And they're like, all right, the Soviets are here. You got to come out.

No, I don't. It's time for you to face justice. I bet you I don't. That's why killing yourself is illegal. Yeah. You're not allowed to do it because if on the case that you've committed an atrocity, legally speaking, you're supposed to be brought to justice. So that's what that was i was telling you that's what i was the most appalled about the fact that he skipped court yeah via suicide yeah i don't feel like i'm not gonna do that

his legacy it's already bad enough with the child molestation rape and that somehow sexual trafficking i don't know how there's i don't know how the fucking guys from uh the nexium got sexual i still don't understand how the fucking guys from the NXIVM got sexual. I still don't understand how they got sex trafficking. I think you just bring somebody to a different state. Okay. So if you bring someone out of town and then... Because the NXIVM, they were adults.

Yeah. Who got tricked into a pyramid scheme. And they're like, we're going to burn your pussy. And they're like, sure, master. And it's like, well, you're 30. So it's kind of on you. Yeah, it sounds like you got tricked. Yeah, it's kind of like, well, they tricked us with psychology. with psychology it's like yeah that's what tricking is every single time well when you have like 14

year olds you're like hit the fucking no hit the thing again hit it again like on my ankle and it's like well here's the guy who fingers you he's gonna finger you yeah dude my question is here's another great impression this is japan oh boy calling the united states not knowing we have nukes during world war ii we will never surrender yeah i bet you actually do i bet you end up surrendering i bet you call me tomorrow and say sorry what what do you know yeah we'll see just watch the news watch the news tomorrow see what happens yeah i forgot we know it's the the you know how there's been UFO sightings around nuclear silos and shit? And people think the aliens are coming back to be like, don't nuke each other.

That means they turned a blind eye for Japan. That means even the aliens, when we nuked them, the aliens knew we had nukes. Wait, there was aliens? All right, go ahead. Wait. No, I'm saying nowadays. Yeah. There's been a lot of like ufo sightings

around nuclear testing sites nuclear silos like there's one there's a show i think it's on netflix or amazon where they're like a ufo hovered above the the base and like shut off all the equipment for like 10 minutes and they believe it's like aliens being like chill with the nukes but that means when we were like we're gonna nuke japan the aliens were like all right get one in get one and these guys are out of control go ahead that would be funny because again we've been in the mainstream news flirting with like every now and again they're like aliens you know like yeah now this year they've been with aliens that would be funny if we made contact and they came out and said like de facto like we think and they translate it and like they actually sorry they think asian accents are funny

and then some white lady has to be like through like a science thing like actually the aliens are wrong they just vaporize her like oh they're right they're right they're like i bet you were right what if martians sounded asian like oh i'll be honest there's a very good chance there's almost no chance they don't you think so oh we're coming to so much a piece for you there's so much a piece here and they come down like just kidding oh we like dear goof anyway white people rule white people were right this whole time speak to Trump

where is David Duke fuck these guys from saturn suck and then another alien thing shows up it's like those were the races they're bad fuck well we listened to them they flew it would be fun we did what they said we killed them it would be fun if we made contact and their technology sucks they just like crash in the ocean they're like fuck yeah they hand us like one an ipod like we heard you guys had weed yeah we have weed sick what are your secrets but we don't know we don't know how this shit works yeah everyone assumes they're like way advanced that'd be funny if they're like oh dude

yeah i don't know it'd be like us it'd be funny if they're like oh dude yeah i don't know it'd be like us it'd be like us driving a car yeah and late driving somewhere and then like how does this work it's like i don't know all the ones that land they're the drunk driving the drunk drivers of aliens like they weren't supposed to be that's true that's a good theory all the alien sightings they're just fucked up on ketamine. They're like, whoa, where am I? Yeah, they abducted a meth farmer. They abducted, you know, they abduct some guy who, you know, works as a, you know, he's up there foresting. He's a farmer that likes meth.

Cokes up? Hell yeah. Oh, dude. I was thinking lumberjack. That was the word that was eluding me. You know there's probably a lot of farmers right now who are tweaking on that because it cut you're like kind of sitting around you know on some larry nassar i would take adderall if i was a farmer i think a lot of them all day we'd out bro because you

gotta like that the harvest comes in and you're just like sun up to sun down pumped he'd be just jacked on amphetamines just driving driving. The problem is, let's go. You'd fall asleep. It's in one of those giant tractors. Like, oh, fuck. Look at this thing. Oh, it's fucking corn. Look at all this fucking corn right now.

Yeah, but then at nighttime, dude, you'd be coming out thinking everyone's fucking with your shit. You'd be in the field. You'd just be a scarecrow painted, just face painted on a stick. You'd be the scarecrow. Yeah, you'd probably fight your own scarecrow every night. There's that son of a bitch. Ah, fuck. Yeah, man.

The problem is you start doing the meth, you crush it for a couple weeks. You're fucking, I've been up for three days. Then the lack of sleep psychosis kicks in. You're like, actually, everybody's out to get me and then you corn is screaming at me and then you fall asleep for like four days and you wake up and like all your apples are kind of fucked and you're like oh shit and that's probably how every crop circle has happened like a farmer just took meth for a week and then built it and then woke up the next day like there's aliens that is funny the guys always a lot of the guys i should say i want to you know smite everyone who claims alien but they're always like yeah they fucked my ass it's

like i think you're fucking with your ass bro yeah no no i said well if you find anything up there that was the aliens that's a part of it the aliens are like give me meth or i'll probe your asshole true they probably take meth and fuck the guys in the ass. They're just invisible man farmers, dude. Oh! Fuck! Yeah, I wonder if aliens are funny. If they have a sense of humor.

They have to be funny. Because if they're funny they'd be fucking with farmers quite a bit. I'd be destroying farmers. You'd be destroying farmers? If I was invisible man Yeah, just abducting shit throwing it Fuck yeah. destroying farmers. You think you're destroying farmers? If I was Invisible Man...

Yeah, just abducting shit, throwing it. Fuck yeah. Just tossing a cow across the point. There's some guy sitting there watching it like, what the fuck? Some God-fearing man by himself. Some God-fearing...

What the hell? Just coming down and be like, I'm God. And then giving him a mission. Just be like, kill your family. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck, he's doing it.

Oh, it's test, it's test it's test yeah man dude we're gonna have to contend with the uh did you watch the whole curtis thing right yes and when they talk about the algorithm yes how it's it has all of our information but doesn't have it doesn't tell itself stories so it just kind of thinks differently we're about to come full face with we're gonna have to shift our human brains around how to deal with basically like a hyper crafted version of all of ourselves that doesn't think like us. Yeah.

And that's what we're going to be up against. That attributes no meaning to anything. Yeah, dude. Yeah. That's going to be crazy to have to do. I mean, I'm thinking about aliens.

I'm like, cause I thought about it before. They could be my one theory of like how everything is could be the fact that AI has gotten us to this point where it was like, maybe I stole a little bit of this from the 100. But it's like you get to the point where you're like, hey, figure out how to save us. And they're like, oh, we'll shut it down and contract the universe into a big bang. And it re-exploded on the same thing that it comes. Basically, we'll just do a restart.

The problem with AI is that AI is doing a bunch of simple things yeah uh ai can't do complex tasks yeah like people we can think but ai doesn't think ai knows how to go one plus one equals two and therefore since two is this number this needs to happen because it's two yeah do you know what i mean yeah that's how we're we're just we like you know like so the problem with ai is it doesn't think it's not there's no like it's not on your level it's not going to the y empowering it's not on p it's like ai is really good at certain things like uh like a like computations ai is real good at figuring out like manual tasks like labor work ai is really

good at but things like uh deciding whether to give a loan to a family ai is not really good at that yeah but the problem is in terms of predicting behavior i think they're not perfect at it but i think that's the problem so you can have them get have so much information that they can start predicting behavior pretty good and then you send that to a human and the human goes yeah hmm yeah i'm gonna start a gymnastics gym then i'm gonna kill myself yeah how did like he get there he was like oh your ankle let me get let me i think i mean again these were little girls so he'd be like you know he'd i don't know loosen you up i think i think he would like you seem

stressed i think he would be like i think you dislocated your pelvis and start doing this and as a doctor you can go i'm gonna have to check something internally and then it would just finger which is like dude how pumped are you on fingering so you're 45 yeah

he was living every seventh every seventh graders every seventh graders dream true he might have been stuck I just want to

fucking finger he went back to their school I want to finger so bad yeah every single every single high school

fucking reunion he was like what are you guys up to like this this he's like tara lapinski that's 100 women i have a hundred girls on this hand you think he had a luke skywalker glove oh little mice and men takes it off he saves it for the ladies you see his right hand he might have been like the dude that might have been his fucking uh what you might call it anakin nassar might have been he might have taught he might have taken him out he was probably a good coach he's like i just want to win the medal and he was like i can show you how yeah yeah it was this use the power of rape what was the guy what was the coach who was sending him to larry nassar getting out of it would he get to like watch or something like what the fuck?

How was he involved in it? I don't know. Apparently he was doing it also. What? Yeah. Motherfucker. So he was hopping in on it. Yeah, man.

Their tag team. He'll never be here to be able to tell his side of the story. So he can only assume. I mean, yeah. The fact that he got killed, dude, or suicided or whatever, that is like,

you have Epstein dies. That was crazy. People still are like epstein dies that was crit that people still are like yeah that was clearly some sort of thing where it's like yeah they like the cameras didn't work and the guards weren't there it's like all right guys yeah that should be there there should be should have a room i'm pretty sure if i wanted someone not to kill themselves i could devise a room and set up a thing for like two days i could be like i'm pretty sure i can make sure this guy yeah you have a guy staring in the whole time. Pretty simple.

25 bucks an hour. The United States government couldn't muster up 24 hour direct service. They probably hired a Le Maire. He was probably sitting there. You think the gas station cookie was involved? And then he came back

to the room and was like, oh, fuck! Just trying to give him CPR. Like, please, Mr. Epstein. No chance. No chance CPR was administered. He probably just walked straight out.

He got a call from the jail that was like, you know you're fired, right? He was like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I get it for sure. He just went home. He just went home. He looked in. He was like, oh, shit. Straight home.

Straight to fucking video games. I'm fired. It's good to fire yourself. You've pretty much fired yourself. I called him. He was like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm fired. I agree.

The funniest. Yeah, man. It's like if I leave my car parked on like 16th and Chestnut for 45 minutes, I'm 80% sure I'm going to get a parking ticket. It's that efficient to write you a $37 ticket. And they're just like people from like the North. It's just Neisters, dude. True.

It's people from the North. They'll get you chain smoking. Five minutes. Mailman outfit. Yes. They'll snag you. The fact that they couldn't be like, yo, we need to find out what this guy was up to. And they're like, oh, man.

Oops. Oops. Whoops. Actually, it turned out there was a blind spot and we left. What did he? He hung himself, right? Yeah, that takes some time, too. Epstein, right?

Yeah. Well, we wanted to give him sheets. We don't want to be chilly. It was some rope, obviously. Yeah. Gave him some rope. I think he hung himself for the sheet. Yeah.

How, bro? Or he took off his jumps again no it's like dude taking off your jumpsuit and doing it's sick dying naked damn he revealed the egg i pray i die naked that's true he revealed the egg he was hanging the fucking egg he got in the deposition they. Like, I heard you had an egg shaped penis. He was like. They do crush. They crush these dudes. Dongs. That's why he killed himself. That guy got her.

Killed himself. He was like, I got a weird dick. Everyone's going to be making fun of my dick. Dude. I think he had an extreme curve, like a downward curve. Just no one. I've never seen a downward curve. What do you mean?

Like a gonzo. I've seen upwards. No, I've seen a gonzo. I've seen lifts. I've never seen a hard penis in a porno that was like just a hook. True. I've seen upwards, but I've never seen a downward curve. I mean, you really can't do it.

You could only do the oil rig if that's your case. You mean like a pirate hand? Yes. Like my curve? Okay. I've seen that. The ram's great. I've seen this.

The ram's horn gets it done. I got a good, yeah. That's a G-spot tickler. Mm-hmm. But if you have a fucking reverse Rams horn, I don't know what you're getting done with that

other than reverse doggy. You'd have to like do doggy from behind and just kind of toss it back. Yeah, you could reverse cowgirl her. True. You could sit on top

and ride it. Ride it in backwards. I think that's just the captain hook. You might have to have your own sex position that you can only do. Yeah, and you'd have to be in pretty good shape to pull it off.

And you need a decent amount of dick if you're coming. If you're going to do a reverse cowboy. If you're going to do a spin around. I'm trying to figure, I'm trying to map that out, actually. So you have a downward facing dick. So you need to approach women butt, ass forward. Yes. On all fours and just throw it back and just fuck them from behind.

They can never see your face. Oh, yeah. It'd be like an Eyes Wide Shut scenario. Like double. You're both on all fours. Exactly. Yeah. Like what was that one movie?

Almost like a double dildo set up. Yeah. Isn't that Eyes Wide Shut? No, it was Requiem for a Dream. If you're on all fours and there's a hook, it's going to be going up. You're going to fuck yourself? Like wrong. You might wrong hole yourself.

Wrong hole. Oh, shit. Fucked my ass again. Disaster. What a disaster. Poor guy. Just thinking about, oh, this is going to feel so good. Oh, it's the worst.

It's the worst feeling. Never mind. Oh, my God. But that might be a bit of a because it also releases a good feeling when the tip of your dick feels good if you fuck your own ass yeah so it could cancel out you never try to bring ass to dick saw like soft ass to dick on a stretch on the toilet no put tip of your dick to your butthole yeah while shitting yeah not while shitting but like you're just sitting there idle naked you try to bring it all the way to the back.

Does my dick reach my butthole? I just want to know. You never try to complete the sermon. Yeah, mine does. It has to. Well, you've never... It has to. I mean,

I'm feeling the distance right now. You've never pressed your helmet up against the frontier. I never have once. I have, for sure. I've taken my penis and been like, reached it and been like,

sweet. I mean, we've been doing this podcast for four years. How this piece of information that's your rora boris dude the northern lights that's the serpent completing itself dude yeah it's like it's one of those things sometimes you pull your penis your testicle skin over your penis that's a that's a sick one you take your ball skin pull it oh yeah that's that's just a little kangaroo it's a second phase yeah that's the second phase it's a pouch stretch bird

stretch birds place cock in ass stretch bird to your butthole put it up against the frontier and you're like I could fuck my ass if I wanted

with my soft penis yeah you'd have to be soft you'd have to be soft and you'd have to be soft and stretchable which I guess penis is always pretty stretchable oh the penis is stretchable

the penis is elastic stretch Armstrong it's one thing I'll give myself i can stretch my flaccid penis to incredible length then when you stretch it while it's penis it's so skinny so skinny it's insane how skinny it is so skinny where's everything else get in there stretched out dude stretched out you ever do the cup pong it's like where you like you like pull your screw a man. Ew, a merino. Hold on. What is it? Ew, you pervert. What? You pull your scrotum through the bottom and then like your balls and penis are like up here. It's a cup palm.

Hold on now. No, Matt. I'm not going to do it. I just want to see if I... He's just saying, yeah, I got it. Pull your sack and dong in your hand and then pull the skin down. So it's just your two knots in the tip of your dick. Like an ice cream cone. your dick that's very funny

yeah that's very funny yeah that's nice it's good to have you back yeah i've only ever done the snail there was the cheese wasn't the cheeseburger what's the cheeseburger it's funny you put them in between your balls yeah you lay the meat in between yeah the snail is a classic dude dude. Which one's the snail? Snail is when you stack your balls and you take your dick and take it. On the side. Yeah, I got it right away. Bubble gum is also a great one.

That's holding out the sack. When you pull just a little bit of your sack out of your zipper and you want some gum. Yeah. Classic. My dad used to do that to me. He used to bubble gum? Yeah, that was my dad's favorite. I had a friend who used to do the wrist watch he'd just take

his dick out wrap it around his wrist be like you see my new watch oh that's fucking sick dude yeah and it was tina stretched so it's like a real it's like a rubber band yeah man that's sick when everybody's dick got big in like middle school all your dong and everything started filling out every every single day, someone was showing me their dick. Yeah. And what does this smell like? Fremont de cheese all day. Yeah, man.

That's awesome. It's an essential part of boyhood, dude. It is. Just killing animals, showing your dick to your boys. Dude, I don't know if you guys killed animals. I've killed animals. I've never shown my dick to my boys. I'd actually like to hear what animals you've killed.

I've killed. And how'd you do it? Okay. At a camp, I killed a- Because you must have been a weird little fucking kid at a camp i was walking to the bathroom and there was a frog in the bag and i picked up the bag and i squished the frog did the bag pop no wait so who had the frog in the back i don't know you squished the frog and you don't know whose it was no so someone just came back to their frog it was like the frog exploded the kid who was slowly

suffocating a frog was like what the fuck what kind of psycho smashed my frog was did you were you there for any of the repercut like you did you get to see what happened no i just dropped it and went to the shower how'd you feel i was like oh because i wasn't trying to i was just how old were you what do you have a band-aid on your neck oh yeah what happened to your neck i had a a cyst removed. Hell yeah, dude. Yeah. No, I was like walking to... I just saw it.

I picked it up and I was like... Hold on. How old were you? I'm like... I was like 10, 11. Perfect. I was 11. And it was like one of those summer camps, like the week camps where you hang out and

just... Gymnastics camp? Yeah. Me and Larry Nassar. Was it you and your brother? Yeah. Damn. Did he know what you did?

I told him when I got back to the camp. Yeah. I picked it up. What did he say? Your brother seems like he's down. Yeah, he was down. He was probably like, sweet. Hell yeah.

Your brother's definitely would... I know your brother enough that he would be like, okay. He would not. There'd be no part of him that would be like, why? I just squished a frog. Nice. Oh, cool. Nice.

I was just trying to see how much I can squeeze before I broke its ribs. Oh, man. And then you squeezed too hard. Yeah, I smashed a frog, bro. Their whole intestines just come out of their mouth. It's fucked up. That's actually exactly what you would imagine would happen. Yep.

It's fucked up. They just like puked their entire innards up. Everything. I mean, the sheer force of a human being against a frog. It's crazy. Yeah. The sheer force. You were blowing them up too, weren't you?

We used to go fishing, catch catfish, and put M80s in their gills, and they'd just literally explode. Turn to nothing, dude. Yeah. Closed casket. True. Let this be a lesson. Yeah, we would tie fireworks to fish and just fuck them up.

That sounds like poor people fun. Yeah, it was pretty tight. Yeah. Funnily, that's just genetic because my family did pretty well by that time. We had money and everything was was cool but they're still in your genius like we're gonna go kill shit yeah yeah i think every kid does that if they're lucky some kids don't get a complete boyhood they get kind of you get kids who get trapped and there's that's when you get the brock turners bro or whatever their name is you don't get the

fucking smash amphibians and shit when you're little you turn into a weirdo what her name is. You don't get to fucking smash amphibians and shit when you're little. You turn into a weirdo. You don't kill animals. Brock Turner getting hawked by two Swedish dudes on a bike. Just cry. Think of him running and crying.

Like, you didn't do it. And then tagging him. Get the fuck off me. Slow down. Slow down. Stop. Rampus.

Plus they're Swedish. Ching, ching, ching, ching, ching, ching, ching, ching,

ching, ching, ching, ching, ching, ching, ching, ching,

ching, ching, ching, ching, ching, ching, ching, ching,

ching, ching, ching, ching, ching, ching, ching, ching,

ching, ching, ching, ching, ching, ching, ching, ching,

ching, ching, ching, ching, ching, ching, ching, ching,

ching, ching, ching, ching, ching, ching, ching, ching, plus they're sweet right there stop yeah they're good they ride bikes like everywhere if you go to the Netherlands it's just all bicycles just two blizznicks chasing you down just two guys that looked exactly

like blizz hawking you after post rape you're just like fuck I didn't mean to do it you drank nine four locos

stop it so you mushed a frog have you ever felt bad about killing an animal no you gotta be honest yeah no I also dropped So you mushed a frog. Have you ever felt bad? About killing an animal? No. You got to be honest.

Yeah. No. I also dropped a rock on a bird. How big of a rock? What was the setup? It was like that size. Damn, you got a big rock. Wait, so where were you waiting?

You must have been in waiting then. Yeah, I was in Detroit with my brother and my cousin. We were standing out back because we were just out back. And I'm like, I picked up this rock and there was a bird. And I just dropped the rock. And it hit the bird and the bird went squawk. Oh. It was great.

Was the bird hurt? No, it was dead. No, no, no. I mean, before you squashed it. Oh, I don't know. Or did you just use stealth? I just saw the bird and dropped a rock. It's so hard to sneak up on a bird and drop a rock on it. Yeah, but I don't think they...

The one thing they don't anticipate is like the Acme Anvil from... Oh, you know what? You finally got the Roadrunner, dude. I didn't think that it was in Detroit. So it was probably a city bird, a pigeon. It's a dumb bird. Yeah, it was a pigeon that just walks out of the way

when you walk near it. You can easily crush it. It was like a city bird, a pigeon. It's a dumb bird. Yeah, it was a pigeon that just walks out of the way when you walk near it. You could easily crush it. It was like a small blue bird. Oh, yeah. That's sad. Like a common wren? Like a Twitter bird. It was a Twitter bird?

It was a Twitter bird. So you dropped, I would have to be about 20 pound rock on that thing. I guess they're worried about humans, but if you're just like on a deck above them or something you drop that rock there's no part of the bird being like it's like a meteor strike yeah you can't you know what your technology can't like see that coming did you tell your friends what you're doing or did you just silently stand up pick up a large rock and smash a bird and then sit back down uh no i said i'm gonna smash this bird what'd they say i said i'm gonna drop this rock with this bird like hey you gotta do what you gotta do yeah well yeah of course they were just like yeah yeah yeah yeah of course oh shit you smashed that bird

oh wow how about that there was the only two animals I can remember killing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, we used to, I mean, it would just be like BB guns. Yeah, that was all day, bro. Hitting squirrels, hitting fucking robins. We had a lot of robins. Shooting robins.

I killed a grasshopper with a shovel. No, that's... Yeah. Standard fare. This isn't impressive. We Undertaker'd, we Ultimate Warrior'd to grasshopper in a box and put it under in a sandbox we dug it underneath the sandbox dug it up i swear to god it was like five days later hopped right out put a grasshopper in the freezer dude i swear to god it was still alive when it came out in the freezer swear to god just for a night popped it out that thing thawed it

took a minute to thaw i swear to god, I swear I'm not making this up. I'll have to ask my cousin to verify. I think after it thawed, we saw it was alive and then killed it. But it was like, oh, thank God. Help.

But yeah, dude, this had a box for like five, it was ultimately weird, dude. It sat in a box for like five days and came out of that. Shaking. On the ropes. Just a fucking grasshopper

just in a box there's like a Chinese food container underneath like I don't know two feet of sand the grasshopper just kill

building that that's what yeah that's what aliens do to us yeah they pick a guy a farmer up and just like

we froze him dude he fucking he was still like help help so I was like I'm gonna fuck this guy's ass he's an alien

we fucked his ass he had the Jabri alien he's like yeah how was it what happened oh fuck did you ever did you remember

the story about Jabri getting the blowjob from the dude yeah it's an incredible story I told you guys already well it doesn't matter I would like to hear it classic story

whenever I get a chance to hear this story I just like that it was in a I get a chance to hear this story. I just like that it was in a blizzard. That's all. And I imagine he was wearing gym shorts. He got out of work. He was working at a pizza shop at the college.

So he just smelled like dough. He walked through this blizzard like a mile in Lancaster. he was just on craigslist looking for blowjobs no doubt which i would i swear to god i would never even i'd never be like i want to get some head i'm gonna turn to the internet and see what it has my brother was looking for guinea pigs recently online on craigslist which brother tom he was getting his son a guinea pig oh okay all right he's just picking up no he was getting his son a guinea pig and uh he was like dude it's so funny open up craigslist get a guinea pig and it's just like guinea pig guinea pig greedy little bottom looking at people yeah so he was on craigslist seeing what's up yeah he was just trying to look for some head and then uh he replied to one, and they're like, yo, come over. And he was like, all right, right after work.

So he trudged through a blizzard about a mile away. Covered in flour. Covered in flour. He gets to the door. He opens the door. It's a guy there. And he's like, eh. He's like, whatever.

A job's a job. And then the guy's like, yo, you you're gonna have to pay me for this and then my brother's like no i'm not and the guy's like you're right and then he just blows them anyway damn how's he does he still hold it down like yeah that was sick who my brother he's like yeah it just happened i needed a night that's fucking sweet yeah just walking there and then leaving leaving this putting a jacket on and walking back out in the snow. So respectable. And then just going straight back to sitting next to LeMay.

I mean, dude, there's something I respect. Where were you? About a guy who loves heads so much. He's like, fuck it, bro. Yeah. Sponging a wobbly leg through a blizzard. I didn't even think about that dude he must have been weak coming back

oh we probably took a nap at that guy's house probably had his pizza apron just wrapped around his face like a desert turban dude just fucking damn just two dudes

taking a nap together after they nut so funny guys you gotta pay me for this and he's like nah I bet you I don't because it's good exposure yeah true i bet you don't good exposure tell your friends this is good exposure for my kind of blizzarded house just like waiting for

guys dick sucking racket oh you gotta start somewhere bro i wonder if that guy's getting paid to suck dick now hopefully yeah it's been about 10 years i mean yeah hopefully he's probably fucking nasty right now he's dead you think he's dead a decade of just inviting men in from the snow what do you think gay guys do on the internet they die like all the time almost constantly true unless they become like an architect you can be an architect and get like a hot young boyfriend yeah but yeah if you're if you're just a dude in the wild if you're in Lancaster Pennsylvania

offering beaches offline or online it's a high risk life you could just be some fucking like IT manager somewhere for sure

I mean I don't I bet I'm sure he's alive you would imagine but that's also it's high risk behavior that lifestyle is probably yeah it's high risk 10 years of that

a decade of that. A decade of that. True. Yeah, you don't think he's drinking veggie smoothies every day otherwise. No, that's where meth and heroin start coming in. True. Damn, what if he was doing it for drugs and was like, whatever. Kind of like sucking dick better.

Maybe he was a fucking turnaround tale. He was sucking dick for drugs. He was like, I actually just kind of like sucking dick. Yeah, it turns out the dick part was my favorite part. I don't need drugs. I just need to suck dick. Get high off strangers. My brother told him no for money. He was like, okay, I guess I do love sucking dick.

Yeah, that was the moment. Love the game, bro. He's like, well, I'm not going to have you waste your time. Come here. You walked over here. That was baby, it's cold outside. You really must pay. I think you should stay.

Nice, man. It's good to have you back. Thank you guys for having me. Such a fantastic story. Yeah, that and the air mattresses make me so happy i've wondered about that if we're all just that night because i'm you know reading about the like subconscious and how we all get like fucked with by marketers i wonder if we all are just that horny but then we kind of we have these constructs where we pigeonhole ourselves into boxes where it's like no i would never it's like

dude i wonder if if you are that horny you know what i mean yeah but you're like but the part of yourself you know called the superego obviously that's like no not doing that probably yeah you know what i mean like are we all i don't even think there's gay people i think gay people are lying i think they actually do like pussy i think everyone's lying i think everyone's just horny like you know like know, like my dogs. My dogs will hump each other. Yeah. Girl dog will hump the boy dog. Boy dog will hump the girl dog.

I think we're that horny naturally on some level. I absolutely think. But we organize ourselves through like. Definitely. These guys come there. They come there. I think you're right. I swear I think it's the case.

I'd like to fuck you if it weren't for these goddamn social constructs. You don't think I'd be sliding in you'd have taken me down gardini might get tossed around new guy yeah you'd be yeah we'd run a train on you suck in the merges first crack dude oh yeah would you like first crack a gardini sexually yeah what would you do to sean if you had you if you had any chance if you nobody's gonna know ever what would you do to sean if you had you if you had any chance if you nobody's gonna know ever what would you do to sean sexually i'd kiss him nice you'd give him nice dude you would just smooch him you'd give him nice kisses that'd be an interesting that'd be an interesting train to run and just one guy's just getting loving one guy's just creeping and kissing him lovingly like

on the shoulders. Sean, what would be your limits? What would your safe word be around if LeMaire wanted to do more than smooch you? Yeah, if LeMaire started getting a little touchy. I don't know. Maybe BLM? What's that? Black Lives Matter.

You would scream BLM? I'm saying what would your limit be? Oh, the limit. Oh, yeah, sexually, what would you... So your safe word would be BLM. My safe word is BLM. And my limit would be nothing, dude. I'll do whatever for the podcast. I want those glasses on, though.

I want you wearing those glasses. I want to fucking drench those. Noah, you fucking pervert, dude. Look at Noah's perverted ass. Noah's fucking loving it. Noah's hard. He's a college co-ed, dude. He's so horny.

Oh, he is a co-ed. Fuck. It's crazy how much hotter girl co-eds are. Noah, if you were just a girl, I'd be like, she's the hottest girl. She's the hottest girl. You would have came on and been like, I don't know. Invisible Man was pretty good. I thought it was pretty good.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pretty important we recognize the fact that, you know, men are the military industrial complex. They're always wrong in arguments. Oh, wait. Did that guy kill himself outside the court? Yeah, dude. He was in his fucking house. Yeah.

Okay, okay. They just called him like, oh, hey, dude. Yeah, like, you got to come in. He was like. No, I don't. You don't have any like knives or bleach or pills in your house, do you? He's like, nope, pretty good. No, I did just pick up a handgun though, so I'm not coming.

Yeah. I'm not going to come to court. Yeah, that's bull. Dude, I got really suspicious around that. That was a lot of suspicious activity. That was when my friend was on drugs and he like, he like clearly fucking used his credit card and he was like, someone stole my identity. There's been a lot of suspicious activity.

Yeah, dude, you were suspicious. Suspicious activity. Yeah, you're the suspect. It's you. He's like, someone racked my credit card up to $8,000,

but he's like, there was a lot, I called him and I said, there seems to be a lot of suspicious activity. Yeah, he called them and were they just like yeah it's you he's like but there is a lot of suspicious activity wow there's suspicious things suspicious things going on you're up for three days on meth you get that suspicious activity call on your credit card you're like dude just

the invisible man acting just getting fucked up and being like something's going on something's fishy

around here it's just you blacked out I don't know what's going on but something's fishy you would call uber after uber

and not catch it it was the funniest thing I'd be like dude he'd be like I'll just send another one

I'm like you can't keep doing that I'll just call another. Oh, it was the best. Damn. La Morp. Dude rules.

La Morp-ly. What's next for you? Me? What's coming up? What's coming up? I have a, I'm following in your footsteps. I'm working on a schedule also. Oh, nice.

Hell yeah. Yeah. I think you guys started that before mine, so. Well, it doesn't matter. Sure. You guys, you guys started that before mine so well it doesn't matter sure you guys you guys will be better and then yeah you guys just aren't that funny so yeah it's gonna be a major hindrance not like sketch for you know shame fucking loves you dude i feel i do love i've always loved my man i feel the love i like nate better but i like really yeah oh yes speaking of that me nate and andy we you

know how we've always been doing a podcast called panties in the mouth it's called p-i-t-m please check that out true yeah i can't believe that motherfucker lord uh barn dog out to la i was doing on that the other day i was like what the fuck older shaw yeah what do you think of him he's cool he's fine he's fun he's fun. Would you ever like to squeeze him? Or would you squeeze the barn dog? If the barn dog was in a bag, would you squeeze him? 100%, I would. No doubt.

I would at least step on him. He looks like one of those water frogs you see in an aquarium. Just like, hey, what are you doing? Fuck you. Fuck you. Something's weird. Something's weird about you, and Fuck you. Fuck you. Something's weird. Something's weird about you, and I don't get it. Oh, fuck.

Yeah. So you guys, panties in the mouth. Panties in the mouth. Was that a merger? Was that a merger? Hey, you know, maybe. Did they add you? No.

I thought that was Andy and Nate at first. No, it's always been the three of us. Oh, really? Really? What the hell? You never brought it up? Jesus. Sorry.

Turn the rubber blade. Got that goiter. Okay, it's a bit. Yes, it's their podcast. I joined their podcast. Nice. Hell yeah. yeah yeah those guys indianate are very funny it's very funny guys they drafted you yeah yeah yeah feels good yeah

it feels nice you should just fucking boss it up hot dog on it do you hot dog on them no you don't ever i would never be a total diva do they ever make fun of you yeah what do they say to you uh uh you're fat they call you fat both of them are fat yeah yeah no it's okay it's i mean i'm probably the skinniest one now you're getting caught yeah i was i was i said that you're on pace when i heard you were at the y i was like fuck i can't be fatter than lamar god damn it dude is he your is he your fat horizon yeah lamar and andy are both pretty good horizons. Although now that Nate's getting fat, I'm very happy about this. Yeah.

Because Nate was always skinny and in shape, and now he's blown out. He's getting a little chubby. How old is Nate? 31. Black dudes hit their 30s, and it's pot belly, bro. Yeah. If you're not a YouTube trainer, you're getting a pot belly. I worked in the labor union it was primarily black dudes

and they hit their 30s and they all like I don't know what the fuck's going on I got a belly it's like dude you eat a hoagie every day every single day you eat a hoagie

it's so fucking funny same thing happens to kind of like white laborers same thing you're just fucking out you're fucking like shredded you have your son tattooed you're fucking traveling

all of a sudden you get a tattoo of a nail most women white women tend to avoid it somewhat your son tattoo, your fucking travel thing, all of a sudden. You can get a tattoo of a nail. Most women, white women tend to avoid it somewhat. Yeah, they can yoga themselves around. Yeah, yeah. Usually Latina women explode. Sometimes.

It happens to white women when they get in relationships. Oh, yeah. That's what happens. It's fun to watch. I really enjoy it. I love seeing, especially in comedy,

all my alt and alt comedy enemies getting fat. I'm just like, yes, yes. That was one of my favorite things to do with Facebook. It's not so funny, is it? That was one of my favorite things to do with Facebook is see people who got fat. I'm like, oh, shit. And I'd go through their profile pictures and just watch the transformation and go, oh, damn. I started getting fat back in around 2017.

It's a fun thing to watch. It is fun to watch. Getting fat is pretty cool. Getting fat is a powerful move if you got to own it. You have to own it. Yeah. You's a fun thing to watch. It is fun. Getting fat is pretty cool. Getting fat is a powerful move. If you, you got to own it. You have to own it. Yeah.

You have to be on it. Yeah. You have to own it. Yeah. And it's going to happen to all your friends. Like I remember in high school, cause I was always big my whole life and all my friends were always like fit. Cause we all played sports.

They were all like, I think they all had like abs growing up, all of them. And then you start coming home and you see the boys getting a little chubbier, a little balder. It's like, yeah, of course, this is what our dads looked like. This is how it happens. Our dads weren't always fat, bald guys.

You only fight it for so long. Although you can be a ripped, bald dude. Which, you know, it can be done. It can be done. But then you don't, like, a lot of these guys, you get married. You want to go drink some brews at the golf course. You want to go down to Armitage and black out. Yeah.

You don't you don't want to have like a you don't want to have to like spend time between battling your wife and then like, oh, I got to go fucking do power cleans. No, it's like I'm going to go black out. You don't want to you don't want to adulterer's body. That's true. That's one thing, though. You start just getting ripped on your wife out of nowhere, it fucks them up. They start hitting you with it. What are you talking about?

Me losing weight? You think I got an adulterer's body? No way, dude. I've surrendered the parts of myself like that. Desire? Surrendered? Impossible. You had to surrender it, dude.

I appreciate it. That's low-frequency stuff. You just surrender it. It's a mechanism. I mean, I'm not going to talk about that right now but what having sex with people no the mechanism of surrender you work your way up the levels of consciousness and surrender the lower levels so that all that trapped energy can be put it towards other things at the higher level so like you know i think apathy and well anger is a little higher up is right below courage but yeah dude it's you know you

start surrendering all those things and your whole experience changes pretty crazy but because you're what you experience is coming from your your level vibration you're you know operating on when you surrender like shame guilt anger pride then from there you go to courage and then that's when things start to change and you know you can work your way all the way up you know how you test it tell me please tell us you have to you have to surrender first what do i have to surrender the lower levels when you notice no when you notice the lower level you notice you never surrender dude if you're angry at something someone else does it's just triggering a thing inside of yourself that you have to surrender that and then you know they'll do what they do but it's

triggering something obviously if they're not like if they're holding you down and like fucking your ass that's different yeah but if you see something that's bothering you that's something you have to surrender within yourself then the energy you spend getting fucked up about that thing all right but then what happens if i surrender all that you start to reach higher levels of consciousness and your outer experience starts to change higher levels of consciousness and your outer experience starts to change pretty that's pretty cool pretty cool pretty tight are you the dalai lama man no bro no dude just reading some books that's what i read every night before i go to bed dude oh god i gotta i gotta switch to that i was listening to that fucking bloodlands book again. I literally went to sleep listening to like Ukrainian starvation.

It was like, it was just stories of like babies suckling on their dead mother's tit. Oh man. I was just going to sleep. It puts me right out. True. And then I have horrendous nightmares. Oh man. Yeah.

It's a good life. I had a dream last night that we were coming out to do a show and we're you know we're fucking around you're like grabbing my ass and then on the way to the stage you just kept grabbing my ass and you just fucking like fully sucked me in not like sucked me but you fully like started like overtly molesting me on the way to stay on the stage we just stopped we never made the stage and we were just molesting you you're You're a gay sex drinker. No. I'm 100% gay. You need to surrender that.

Surrender that, dude. I remember just being like walking on. What you were doing. Well, that's because I did that to you in D.C. I grabbed your butt cheeks before you went home. You were doing stand-up and I was sitting in the front row and I was like. And then I said, come up on stage

and I gave you like the Jodeci. No. Put you in a chair and like sang. Magic Mike. Yeah. No, you were doing stand-up and I was like about to interject i'm like oh this is stand-up it's not a podcast and then i waited and then we were both about to go on and then you just started like groping my butt that's totally real and it yeah happens and it was just kind of but it went on for a while the dream just went

to something the horseplay went it was like extent it was extended horseplay and we never made it to stage we just like groped each other. I can see horseplay. I think I just got groped. You bucked back a little. I was just like, I just went with it. I was like,

hey man, knock it off. I just pushed, I just power bottomed the whole time. I was like, yeah, I woke up from that and I was just like,

whoa. That's a tough one to wake up from. Yeah, I've had gay dreams. I've had them before. I've woken up, yeah, I had a tough one to wake up from yeah i've had gay dreams i've had them before i've woken up yeah i had a rough one once i remember waking up like oh man it's really funny what was your gay dream i had a dream a friend of mine sucks my dick yeah happens they're tough to shake off dude you wake up and you just go like i I'm never going to tell anyone who it was.

Really? Any of my high school friends know who it was. Oh, it was like a hometown bud. It was a hometown bud. And if I told them who it was, it makes it even funnier. And yeah, that was when I woke up from. Even in the dream, I was like trying to hide that it happened. And then I woke up just like, whoa, what the fuck?

What is this doing in here yeah it's tough yeah it's tough you had a part two of your dream where you were just like what i never said the second half the second half of the dream was me publicly denying it to everybody it happened in the parking lot of my high school he He gave me head in my car. Really? Yes. A man. Sucked my penis. Sucked my penis. Yeah, it's really just, there's like archetypal parts of your brain

that you're just dealing with. It's the only way you can express it. Yeah. You know. I don't even have a thing for that guy. How did you feel? That's the thing. The symbology,

people get hung up on what the things mean. When you're interpreting dreams, it's like, yeah, there's that, but it's like. How did you feel? That's the thing. The symbology, people get hung up on what the things mean. When you're interpreting dreams, it's like, yeah, there's that, but it's like, how did you feel? I liked it. So you liked getting your dick sucked by your friend. I did like getting my dick sucked by my friend. And that's what I was so ashamed of in part two of the dream. That led to some real shame, which I've surrendered.

Outside of the pleasure of it, was there any kind of thoughts or feelings around paranoia during the thing? Hold on. I'm sorry, man. He raised his hand. I just want to know if you ejaculated. You wouldn't want to know that. You fucking horny co-ed.

This co-ed is so fucking horny, dude. Shouldn't you be out playing volleyball at Drexel? You should be at Drexel playing volleyball, and I should be walking by staring at the co-eds. Just dudes and speedos. Dude, I used to walk by and just. It's crazy. It was insane.

I walked past Drexel's campus and would just. I mean, it was mind-blowing how hot the kids were. Dude, you just walk by with a volleyball like, I got next. Yeah, I got next. Just these college these college coeds these sexy coeds. It's dude it's crazy man.

And especially right around now is when it's the once it's March March and April is good season. They all come out they start sunbathing.

September too man. Just in time for me to Yep. You get it up around Temple in there. Huh? You get that up around Temple. Yeah.

Yeah but they keep an eye out for... At Temple, you're not allowed to gawk. No, you can't gawk. Well, you can gawk at Temple. Black dudes are not allowed to walk by Temple and gawk. I think... No, but I mean, people are very guarded about that, in my opinion. Oh, really?

Yeah. There's a lot of security near Temple. Oh, right, yeah. The guys with mountain bikes. You checking out that ass? Yeah. Drexel, a guy like me walking by, they'd be like, salute. You think they have it locked down up there?

That's white privilege. Yeah. Drexel is white privilege. Temple. I think if you were to go approach co-eds and stare at them, but you're also inviting them to the underground dance-off, like step up to the streets. Then, yes.

Sorry, Miss Suburbs. I guess you can't... I guess you can't make a warehouse dance party to prove your fucking talent. Where we grind. Where we grind on each other. I'm going to teach you how to grind.

Those bike guys are the best people to talk to about the girls on the street. I was about to... Yeah, I mean, obviously. Whoa. Yeah, there was... That's my ass.

I protect that ass. Can't wait y'all motherfuckers want to start acting funky around it i'll fuck you the fuck up dude the guy the dude who used to try to charge his phone in my house it was campus security he would tell me how he molded he was like yeah man i fucking i think he was campus security this guy fucking ruled he was campus security he'd always try to charge his phone in my house and i was always kind of bugged out like who was this guy he's not coming to my house. And, but I would talk to him outside all the time. And he was telling me that he had locked down a bit. He started going to college parties.

He started like taking off the uniform and just like, once the shift was up and just hitting the parties, he would see where everything was going down. He ended up getting a college girlfriend. He's like, bro, I'm, he was, I remember him vividly being like, I molded her pussy. He was like, it used to like, at first i went in there and i had i like custom fit this thing for myself i was like that's what's up and he was like and then he stopped and he just started living around he started just like van wildering he started just going chilling around i mean this

guy's incredible this guy is amazing i love him but good god that's that that girl's father's just absolute nightmare. Campus security molded your baby girl. This dude was talented, man. This dude, he looked like, you know the guy from, fuck, what the fuck is that? I feel like they all look like T-Pain. I don't think there's one campus security I've ever seen that wasn't just T-Pain. They all have long dreads and they're kind of fat.

This dude almost looked like, who's the fucking black dude with almost like blue eyes who's on like General Hospital or ER. He's in a ton of movies. Yeah, I know. He's always playing like a he's always playing again

and there was like Hal Stella got her groove back. He's the dude who has like always his sleeves kind of like this. Tate Diggs? I think it's him. Or like Mekhi Pfeiffer.

It's not Mekhi Pfeiffer. Mekhi Pfeiffer kind of looks like T-Pain. Yeah, Mekhi Pfeiffer actually looks like every security guard. They either do Mekhi Pfeiffer or It's not Makai Pfeiffer. Makai Pfeiffer kind of looks like T-Pain. Yeah, Makai Pfeiffer actually looks like every security guard. They either do Makai Pfeiffer or T-Pain every time. Mike Ely. Michael Ely.

So it's not Taye Diggs. Definitely not. Michael Ely. You like him. Have you ever had a homosexual? He kind of looked like Michael Ely. Yeah, the dude kind of looked like Michael Ely. And he was just turning chicks out.

He would hop off the Huffy, put on his gear, and his hit party's up. I'm like, what's up, guys? He did it, man. That dude made a fucking sick move. That's so sick. I mean, he could have paid $100,000 to go to college or put down the Huffy and started crushing ass. And he gets paid, too. About $15 an hour.

He's getting close to an accusation. You think so? Yes. I don't think they're going to. Banging college kids. close to an accusation do you think so yes i don't think they're banging college kids the dad's like who have you been fucking he's like he raped me yeah but it has to the only way i mean no i'm not saying he's doing it i'm saying oh i know fucking young white chicks in college as a black dude that's working security is a major risk as far as getting accused of something so because in order to get the, in order to kind of like stoke the ire of cancel culture, you need to have power.

So if you don't have any power. No, I don't think it'd be canceled. I'm just saying accusations of rape. The guy is also in a position of perceived power. But they would be like, your honor. Anyone on a mountain like me, $15 an hour is in perceived power. Your honor, he did mold her pussy. They have no power.

In fact, please present exhibit A. It's just a molding. It's like, this couldn't have been one time, your honor. He's been pounding

the fuck out of us. No, this dude was chilling, man. I think he like started like getting into music. He's like, I'm a musician.

I could have told you that for sure. 100%. His band camp started immediately, dude. He put down a mountain bike and it was just SoundCloud.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know that they can... I don't know they would do that. Because right now they're getting like Cuomo. No, I'm not talking the news. You're talking about just the girl would have been like...

Yeah, not the... No, it's not going to be on Twitter. I think... I do think it's a... Yeah, but I think among young white chicks, it's become kind of out of fashion to accuse black dudes of rape. I don't think they do it. They were big on it for a while.

I think they're not doing it so much anymore. Nah, Trump's gone. It'll be back. We'll fire it. Back up. Trump stopped that? Yeah. True.

That time, they're like... They just had bigger problems. The white girls? Yeah, they had bigger problems. Now, they don't need to be united anymore. Dude, I'm telling you, I was in school and there was ladies who were like, I don't call the cops on black people ever. She would see dudes like checking car handles,

like to see if they're locked and being like, that's not my place. Until it's their car handle. Then they're calling. She did call the cops on him once because he was shooting heroin outside of her house. And then she was like, and then I saw them and I was like, I just put him in danger. They could have, he was was just trying to get high there's nowhere for him to do that but yeah so she came in and was like that's the level these you know these a lot of these chicks are on they're like you call the cops yeah that's fucked up that's it we're remembered they were

like moved to west philly and be like we're members of this community it's like no you're not yeah no you're not no you're fucking not it's like your grandmother pays your rent this was like a family who like had like a science wing or like a wing of nyu named after their grandfather jesus being like i'm a member of philadelphia west philadelphia it's like no you're fucking oh they just did that with that girl who won i think she was in queen's gambit you know that lady? Joy? Something Joy? She won like Best Actress or something. What? At the Golden Globes and they were like, finally a woman

of color has won. The Golden Globes? And it's like, dude, she's... Are you trying to break my heart shape? Yeah, it's like her family's British billionaires. Yeah. That they moved to Argentina. It's also another... Yeah, she's a woman of color. She won as a woman. And they literally, they were like,

this is the first one since Halle Berry. Well, what point are you going to stop doing... It's weird to keep doing that and being like, she's black. It's like, yeah. That's not weird. It's fucking crazy. That's not weird.

They did another one recently. There was like... Anna Taylor Joy. Anna Taylor Joy? Yeah. I'm stoked on, does anyone get any? Look at this woman of color. Stop, dude. I swear to God. What the fuck? That's a woman of color. What's her deal?

She's from Argentina, right? Somewhat Argentinian. So she looks like Bjorn and they gave her fucking POC status? She was like in Argentina for like three years when she was like four. Damn, dude. She was like Argentina for three years when she was four. Damn, dude. She was raised in London and looked like that.

So kind of like the vice president you're saying. Except at least the vice president doesn't look like fucking Frozen. True. This is crazy. I'm stoked on the second husband. Has anyone got any footage about that? What's that guy up to? Second husband? Yeah, what's the second husband up to? got any footage about that? What's that guy up to? Second husband?

Yeah, what's the second husband up to? Never seen him. He's like a Jewish guy. Whoa. He's a white Jewish guy. Well. You think he's going to Hillary Clinton this whole setup? What do you mean?

Kind of steer from a- Flip it. Steal it from Kamala? Yeah, or just kind of hide in the shadows. Yeah. Yeah, he's totally cushioned right now. Kushner, he's doing cushion music now cushioning he's doing yeah it's all he has to do is wait for her to be like horny and do something stupid he can just take power

yeah what's he up to is there any updates on that guy i don't even know what's his oh i remember him yeah what's his cause what's he doing so i think didn't mrs pence do something uh like didn't she have some shit she was up to i know melania was trying to stop cyber bullying which fucking ruled that is very thank you melania yes i've noticed we've got a lot less hateful comments i've gotten so many less during the trump administration dude if you're being fucking mean online you're going right up against our former first lady which i you know it's kind of fucked up if you're being mean online it's like that was our best first lady by a mile i can't even think of any other first ladies that come close i know you're a big laura bush

at a bus stop on a phone just talking to nobody really loud yeah finally a first lady we can all get behind staring at a black lady i was uh watching this thing about abe lincoln and like john wilkes they said john wilkes booth killed him because abe lincoln did a speech and was like no black man should be enslaved or something he's like that's it that's the last yeah that's a bitch move right why john wilkes booth yeah shooting lincoln he's like what dude no more blacks i mean i wouldn't call it a bitch move he shot the president in the back of the head you're right he kind of fucking ruled he walked straight up to him was like i actually disagree with your policies yeah that was the thing i pushed him over the edge he was like

that was he was like I think slavery thing's actually pretty good I'm sure it was more than that I mean it was the he it was the war

it was the whole war it was after the war he was ticked yeah he was ticked with how things went he was a gay actor standing next to a bunch of

black guys in the field listening to the president yeah he was ticked and he was he was a gay actor. Oh. Was he?

Yeah, he was an actor. John Wilkes Booth was gay? He was an actor, so yes. Okay, fair enough. But he did do something that was very not gay, which is shoot a president

in the back of the head. Kind of the most balling... Wait, did he see one of the suicide guys too? John Wilkes Booth? Yeah, he was like, I'm not going to court. I think they might have

shot him up. I forget. I think he was like hiding in a barn and they lit it on fire. Wait, they smoked him out? I think they tried to smoke him out. And they're like, get out here. And he's like, I bet you I don't come out. They're like, you need to face justice.

He's like, no, I don't. Nuh-uh. Yeah, I wonder. I wonder what that was. It'd also be funny knowing you're going to kill someone and then hearing them say something like Lincoln being like, I'll see you after the play. And then John Wilkes-Barre's like,

I bet you how much do you want to bet he doesn't? I'll bet he doesn't see you. I mean, how hard is your heart pounding before you've got to shoot the president in the back of the head in a public space? Yeah. That'd be nerve wracking. And then jump out of the balcony.

He jumped off the balcony onto the stage. He broke his leg. He broke his leg. And he yelled like, fuck tyrants. Yeah, that is pretty bad samper tyrannous yeah pretty badass damn imagine imagine back then there probably was some sort of media source that was like pumping out crazy yeah there's like a fox news yeah for the south yep and he was just like this was a patriot i'm trying to think Tucker Gutenberg we should probably wrap it up

you want to end on that Doug? Tucker Gutenberg pizza rolls pizza rolls street fighter pizza rolls I hate Mortal Kombat, guys. You do?

Yeah. I don't like it. You're Marvel Capcom. Yeah. I never really liked it too much. It's fun to watch you guys play when it gets heated. That's like my favorite thing. I just got dethroned in Wii Tennis at my parents' house this weekend.

I was fucking sick. Oh, no. I was pissed, man. I was going home and just effortlessly crushing everyone in my family without playing at all. I was just nasty. I might have to get a Wii Tennis, dude. That might be the best game, dude. Yeah, it is really fun.

I think Wii Tennis is the best game. You know what was great was Mario Tennis. Back in the day, that was so fun. I almost bought a tennis game this... Last night, I was taking a gander at tennis games. It's very funny. I'm telling you, bro. They're the best.

With Wii, though, you get to put your own spin on it. Yeah, it'd be very fun. I'm telling you, if you send me a regular... I'm really you, bro, they're the best. With Wii, though, you get to put your own spin on it. Yeah, it'd be very fun. I'm telling you, if you send me a regular, I'm really good at returning. I haven't played it yet, but O'Connor and Tommy play. Tommy got an Oculus, too. Are you serious? They both. Tommy clears out the living room.

Stop. Chris stands in the kitchen. Yeah. And they wait until I go to sleep. They won't play in front of me because they know I'll make fun of them. You got to wait. Last night, I woke up to like and the ukrainian like i woke up to just a horrible story about like a gulag and i had to pee so i went to go

to the bathroom and they they talk to each other they play basically call of duty it's a game called onward where like you have rifles they're walking around talking to each other like, there's one up there. It's great. They lay on the ground. They lay on the ground and snipe. In virtual reality. And they hide from me. They know. They know if I come in, I'll call them. They're in a foxhole. Gay. You gotta get a pic of those too.

I thought about it last night. They were playing ping pong. Which is also awesome. That's awesome, man. Anyway, we got to go because we got that show. Yeah, yeah. LaMare, thank you so much for joining us. Pennies in the Mouth podcast.

Pennies in the Mouth podcast feud on Mondays at 7 p.m. on my Facebook. Yes. Which other one? Say that again. Pennies in the Mouth feud, the game show. Feud, yeah. The game show of hilarious bad opinions. Yeah.

And this weekend, the 5th and 6th of March, I'll be at Bananas Comedy Club in Hasbrook Heights, New Jersey. That's one that nobody ever comes to. So if you ever wanted to see me perform in front of about six people in a Holiday Inn on the Turnpike in New Jersey, that's the one for you. If you ever want to see a guaranteed meltdown, that's the one. And then the 18th, 19th, and 20th of March,

I'll be at Helium Indianapolis, 26th to 27th. Still, dude, tickets are flying off for the crown of comedy in Auburn, Alabama, dude. That's going to be awesome. That's when Dark Child, Problem Child is about to bless. Problem Child is about to bless the stage. There was Dark Child. There's when Dark Child's about the problem child's about to bless the stage there was Dark Child it was there wasn't there was Miss Dark Child she was actually pretty mean to me was she yeah she wasn't a big fan of me I don't think Helium Buffalo is coming out there's a couple ones keep an eye out we'll talk about later but yeah thank you guys Matthew you

got anything you want to nope just uh Just pretty much just secret projects, bro. Secret projects? Secret projects, yeah. Good. Got some big ones coming, but again, they're all secret. Okay. What are they? There's a certain secret, bro.

All right. Well, turn this off so I can learn about these secret projects.