Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 339- The Pennsylvania Nutcracker

Episode Date: March 17, 2021

Classic ep. Two Broski's going hard in the paint. Topix covered include Shane winning Bingo, Rimz, and local PA folklore. We also talk about eating women. 

we're on dude yes this could be the day all the funny stuff this could be the day why i mean it would be funny if we just this was the day we just were like we had nothing we've had a couple of yeah we never fully the music never stopped on us though it's only i mean everyone needs to go get some like take out and eat and regroup but yeah you know i mean we've obviously came down the hill and then ran back you know charged but i'm talking about just one day where it's like i fully exhausted everything i know i know it's just constantly like repeating stories like i think i've told you this before it's just it's like a comment will be like he said that story six times it's like all right hey come on man yeah chill fire the juice now i got some i got some juices what you got i've been back home, dude. I've been living. I found this tracksuit in my closet.

Look at that, dude. Yeah, a lot of people are excited about it. Hell yeah. It's a nice dude. I haven't been home. I haven't been home. That was sitting around. This was in my closet, yeah.

What the hell? What else you got in there? Like a Sam Hyde t-shirt. I'm retired. It's the coronavirus. It's like I have a coronavirus t-shirt. You hung it on the rafters? It's in the rafters.

I'll break it out when I need it. There's an emergency supply of clothing at my parents' house that's just the worst clothes. You're like a Grand Theft Auto character. It really is, dude. You just have like a different house over there and you have all your gear. I really am, dude. Change my outfit, look in the mirror. I'm like, oh, shit.

Here we go again. Yeah, I need to go home. I need to go back to New York. Yeah. I've been gone for like two weeks, maybe, maybe even three. Damn. Two weeks. I think you're also, uh, I think, were you at the stand last Thursday or did you end up chilling? Chilling. I think Louis CK stopped by. I know Louis CK stopped louis i got a notification from the club he's coming hurry up i was like fuck i'm in dc yeah yeah yeah i've been missing the king it's all good it's all right you know he feels you he can feel my presence he's probably like this out in the crowd like is he here is shane here that'd be amazing uh yeah dude dude, I've been home.

I've been full Trump. Really? You're back on board? Dude, as soon as I'm home, I'm just full fucking Trump, dude. I've been watching Fox News at night. It's crazy. I've been watching Tucker like, yeah. It gets you fired up. He does.

Dude, he just riffs. I mean, obviously it's written, but it's like every night he just sits in front of the camera and is like, oh, you expect us to believe the vaccines? I can't watch them. No. I can't watch Tucker because he makes too much sense. Dude, Tucker's dead on. I can't because I start watching them and my whole YouTube algorithm just completely gets taken over by stuff that I'm like, yeah.

And I try to like talk to people about it. They're like, dude, please stop. My YouTube algorithm is just barstool right now. Is it really? Yeah, it's pretty sick that's pretty tight i've i've done a bit of a 180 on them over the last few years but spotted me we're talking about it's very funny because he was like where are the broskis and he was like anytime i see barstool i'm like yes dude the broskis are still out i had to tell him i was like the broskis are on the links you don't see it they're they're golfing oh right all the broskis are just the links. You don't see it. They're golfing.

Oh, right. All the broskis are just golfing right now. They'll return. They'll be back. They'll be like Gandalf. They'll return when we need them. Yeah.

The broskis will come back. Why does he think the broskis are gone? Because of everything on television and music and movies. He thinks the skis

are gone, dude. Really? Yeah. He thinks they've gone? But he's like, and then I watch Barstool and I'm like, yes, dude, the skis exist. They're right here thinks they've gone he's like and then i watch barstool and i'm like yes dude the skis exist right here they're still making content oh you're talking about on tv yeah true that is gone that's broski headquarter dude but what used to be i

think there was a that is broski there was a confusion about where like because there was the chive i never liked the chive and i always kind of like conflate i always figured those two were very similar the chive and then then i'd watch uh like they would just release something i'd be like oh i don't know i didn't know like because i'm like putting like the chive thing to it and they they would just drop a take that i'm like yeah now they tend to backpedal slightly lately yeah they've they've come around so you get chank you you're on your ass dude what chank you you're who's that from the? Who's the dude? Cenk Uygur?

I've never even imagined that name. What are you talking about? Who's the guy from the Young Turks? Oh, I have no idea. Oh, I know there's a- It's Cenk Uygur, dude. It's a made up gibberish name. Yeah, I mean, dude, Cenk Uygur's probably-

Cenk Uygur's been on our ass, dude. He probably is knocking on the door of Barstool. He'll be like, fuck you, dude, Cenk Uygur's probably got us. Cenk Uygur's been on our ass, dude. He probably is knocking on the door of Barstool. Like, let me the fuck in, you guys. Yeah, you guys are disrespecting women. He probably has tons of vaccines. Like, I don't fucking know. Let me in. I'm about to fucking jab you.

What's his name? Cenk Uygur? Yes. Is that how you pronounce it? Can I get a pronunciation on Cenk Uygur? Yeah, I think it is. It's C-E-N-K-U-Y-G-U-R. All right, settle down over there.

You don't have to fucking scream it. I'm not screaming it. I'm enunciating it. Chank Uyghur? Uyghur? Chank Uyghur. He's called it. Didn't Jones get in his ass?

Did you see that? Dude, I'm telling you, dude. I'm looking out for him every time. How scary would that be to have Jones in your ass, dude? I mean, either one of them. If you were trying to do a podcast and Jones came in here and was like, there's those two faggots right now. I'd be like.

Whatever you say, sir. Did you watch the Alex Jones on? I got to see it, man. Dude, it's so funny. How was he? He got bombed. Did he really? He got fucking hammered.

Why is he getting so hammered? Because Jones is a ski. You think they got to got to him yeah they could compromise barstool compromised them barstool has to bring him on they could they bring who would have their sponsors when they they brought on alex i don't know probably bud light yeah manscaped and bud light would be like we can't even associate with this guy. True, yeah. But. Yeah, the pube shaving company would be like, this is problematic. Yeah, this is bad for us.

This is bad for pubes. The reason I called Spade was because I had watched Generation last night. What's that? Have you heard of this? Have you seen this? Have you heard of this? No. It's a new, it's a hit new HBO series.

It's like Euphoria. They just did euphoria again really except this one less hot kids more queer kids okay it's just a school where all the coolest kids are gay nice like the captain of the water polo team which first off that's what i took the most umbrage with the captain of the water the fucking coolest guy in school was the best water polo player burn this school to the ground yeah they should they should have an episode where there is a school shooting it's just two jocks two of the football players they're like the school's gay as shit trump 2020 yeah they uh yeah their school shooters well you won't take my gun away well wait so there's a school where the water polo cat is water polo captain gay he is at least bisexual he keeps getting demerits for

wearing like dresses and crop tops he's like a sassy gay black dude gotcha he's like um i'm actually a lot like that's what he says to the guidance cat it's great wait so what is water polo exactly? It's like you have a volleyball. Isn't it like dunk the man with the ball? Yeah. Smear the queer. Do you ever play?

Smear the queer. In the water. Yeah. How funny is that? We used to play that. We used to play Smear the queer. Everybody was like, Smear the queer. Never did I even associate that. Well, if you don't know what Smear the queer is, it's really, it's kill the man with the

ball. Yeah, whoever's the ball. Smear and you just it's like you're playing football or it's you versus everybody yeah did you ever play grease a watermelon no what that's like when you're all swimming you grease a watermelon and you throw it in the pool and you got to try to hold on to it and everyone's just fucking you up that's water polo same thing yeah but the the captain of this high school also it's so funny smear the queer Queer, was a game. Yeah. That spread like wild. That kid's a queer. Get him.

I would come out from playing for dinner time. My mom would be like, what are you guys doing? I'm playing Smear the Queer. Yeah, everybody would be like, oh, good. Good, son. That's a value you need to learn. I also wonder how those games get handed down. Like, how do you know how to play capture?

How do you know how to kick the can? Yeah, it's like the origins. You know how lacrosse started? They played with a human head in Mexico or some bullshit like that. How do you know how to kick the can? The origins. You know how lacrosse started? They played with a human head in Mexico or some bullshit like that. Smear the Queer was just like, definitely just, they found out a guy was gay and smeared him. Some guy was just carrying a tennis ball home and they were like, I'm going to make a game out of this. Tackle him.

Who plays tennis? So there's a show where it's a gay- It's a gay high school. Gay high school. The gayest man, the top of the pecking order. Yeah, he's queer. It's also funny that- There's another kid that gets jizzed in his eye at a party from another man. Happens.

And that's a moment in the show. It's a guy getting jizzed. A high school kid catching a load from another high school kid in the eye. Who's supposed to be watching this stuff? Me. It's just a bunch of dudes hate watching it. Like, what the fuck happened to this country? If I see another kid get cum in his eye.

It's a chick show. Is it? It's designed for girls. Girls love watching high school based dramas. Yeah. It's really weird. I don't know what it is if you if you throw like dudes in letterman jack if girls can just watch a screen replay of people slamming lockers and turning around

seeing their crush they would just watch a gif of that for fucking i gotta go i gotta go drop your books yeah man all you gotta do is someone figured out base a show in high school and have somebody fall in love with somebody and have people argue. Every girl will be like, have you seen Riverdale or whatever? Trash. Yeah.

And then it's, but now they've really upped it to like the point where it's like just gay porn in a high school. It's gay child porn. It's great. Just gay child porn. It's great. It's good stuff. They're like, yeah, the main, yeah.

What's the scene? Break me yeah the main yeah everybody's just seen break me down the scene of a guy getting jizz in his eye was he like kneeling other dude standing i don't want to spoil it for anybody you can spoil it all right because i know our listeners are gonna be flocking is this the moment of the finale i don't know like there's a guy like walking like i think it might be three episodes on i could be way wrong on this that's all i saw on my cue so a guy got jizzed. Yeah. And it's like a Tarantino movie.

It's really good. It shows everybody. Do they use the N-word constantly? Yeah. That's what the kid yells when he gets hit in the eye. He's like, oh, fuck. But, yeah, it's like the first episode is like a party, and it shows from the guy, the water polo captain's perspective, which is great because the show opens with him being like, I have to go see the guidance counselor because of my outfit.

And he walks in. He's like, the guidance counselor sucks. He's a piece of shit. And they're like, he's actually dead. And then he walks in and sees a hip black guy as the new guidance counselor. And he's like, he's just instantly, as soon as he sees a black guy he's like oh good wait so he's here's the guidance counselor's dead yeah he's like why do i have to talk to this fucking loser this guy sucks and they're like he's dead i think he had a whop name too quite racist but clearly it was a honky and then uh goes in sees

a sees a pretty chill ass gay black dude dude. He's the new guidance counselor. Shit rocks. They're boys now. Hell yeah. Then he goes to a party and it shows this other kid's perspective from the white family, which is they're rich as fuck. The mom's a church lady with a schedule for all of them on the board. And the kids are like sexual deviants.

Nice. I mean, it's the perfect caricature of a shitty white family yeah like it's like is that what they think this is yeah it's also white people are well it's also telling who's writing this is a rich white lady who was a rich white man really i looked it up because i was thinking like water polo is a giveaway this is just normal stuff like water polo the coolest kid in the school uh captain of the water polo team. What? Yeah, that's kind of a dead giveaway, man. Yeah, I looked it up. It's a 51-year-old man.

What? And his daughter, his 19-year-old daughter, helped shape some of the characters. What? So him and his daughter sat down and were like, all right. And then the guy gets cum in his eye. Nice. Where's this guy from? Probably California, if I had to guess i might move to

california then move to texas dude just to make a point just to make a point be like i'm going to texas uh yeah i had to i had to search that guy's imdb i was furious i was fuming dude i just turned off talker i'm sitting in a recliner just like, motherfuckers. They're fucking killing my country. And yeah, so then it shows the cool gay or bi water polo player gets to the party. He meets this kid who's been DMing him or texting him anonymously. That actually happens to be the kid who just got jizzed in his eye from another kid. Okay. But those two, oh man, the drama's through the roof.

Really? He gets jizzed in the eye from his sister's boyfriend him and he's cheating on his his boyfriend all right the guy's cheating on a girl with her brother yeah pretty sick maybe we do need to go to war with iran iran's right we need war right i think we actually need war turns out iran is definitely right what happened about us what they say like they're sinful gay fucking deviants we're like no you just hate us because we're the best like no we're actually gay as fuck dude putting out child porn constantly yeah man we might need to just fight we need to just like just fight and have a lot of us die and just so we can just be like oh yeah yeah turn that off we're not you don't need to watch that what are we doing jesus man that's the plot it's just

everyone's jizzing on everybody yeah it's just classic high school dude true and then like a real introspective introspective girl who's a photographer she's like real like nice to everybody she troubled i think she's pregnant i think she gives birth in a bathroom at the mall and the other girls are trying to help her. What? It was a whirlwind, bro. So she was nine months pregnant and nobody noticed?

Yeah. That's how separated families are today, dude. How could they even notice? I mean, what do you think? They're going to body shame her? True. Please.

Yeah, I don't... It was a lot. I was fuming. I mean, that's cashing in on the euphoria vibe at least euphoria had hot teens phoning a guy like me could get into that it's just kids jizzing now it's just kid boys jizzing so are they even showing boys jizzing on each other are you just like tuning in to just like glazed are they just glazed cut to just a guy just like totally glazed yeah you got like an eye infection from it glazed? Are they just glazed? Cut to just a guy just like totally glazed. Yeah, he got like an eye infection from it too.

That's not true. And his church mom was like, you have pink eye. I got jizzed in my own eye. Pink eye lasts for 20 minutes. Well, it's your own jizz. It won't get you. True. My body didn't reject it.

Fuck smells his own hole. True. You know what I'm saying? You can jizz on yourself. True. Yeah, I remember thinking my eye eye was gonna be fucked up for a while 20 minutes dude in and out i was back to 2020 vision yeah two minutes probably improved probably i got some stem cells exactly that's why i think my right eye is a little bit better

which one did you hit your right eye this is my right eye my right what'd you say when you got hit oh oh it was just like yeah it's a weird noise i've hit my own face and that's the noise you make it's like if you got sand in your mouth it's the same noise yeah so i was watching that getting fired up did anyone see you watching it no it's tough but it is going to be uh watched on the Comcast. Someone's going to see that I watch. Probably my sister. She'll notice.

You think so? Definitely. You think you'll get a text? No, she'll like it. Really? She'll like the show. Really? She's a girl.

True, true. It's in high school. She's a lady. It's in high school. It's a high school drama about gay dudes. True. They love gay dudes. I know.

So that's who it's for. But it is written by a 51-year-old man and his daughter. They teamed up to write a very sexual show. What the fuck, dude? Yeah. That's fucked up, man. I might add him. Don't say that.

God damn it. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Don't add him. You fucks. Yeah, you don't want that guy. You'll ruin our lives. That guy would love nothing more.

They would love nothing more than someone. For someone to be mean to him on the internet. So he'd be like, someone's attacking my child porn art. Yeah, the bro skis coming out of the woodworks. Getting off the links. Yeah, you don't want the bro skis, dude. The skis, dude. Don't pull them off the links, dude.

All praise be to Billy on the skis, by the way. True, yeah. Just so we're clear. Yeah. I am stealing lingo. The skis is so... I was talking to... Dude, I was about... We were talking about the skis. And I was just talking about how Beezis. I was talking to... Dude. I was about...

We were talking about the skis. And I was just talking about how Beezer might be the king of ski, dude. You think so? I was like, he's the most loyal ski. True. And also, I don't think I've ever seen him sad. True. I think the Beezer is just the Beezer 24-7.

He's full bro ski. He's an absolute ski at all times. Well, he probably doesn't... I was like, maybe Beezer's autistic. i don't think i've seen him change an emotion once he probably does it like a proper broski he's supposed to he probably just administers cold pilsner immediately upon any sort of any emotions any emotion just administer cold pilsner hit like right back to base or just scream cries into his pillow. Yo, what the fuck? Dude.

I got a fucking doodle teeth. It is funny about how everybody you know at one point just breaks down. Just like out of nowhere. Just like. Yeah. O'Connor also intense, bro. But he's laid up dude you got depressed broski really okay he's always sad i hate my broskis are laid up no beezer that's the good thing about beezer i swear to god i've never seen him like angry except like he'll get hammered at healing

and be like get the fuck out of here. Yeah, I mean, yeah. Everyone's like, oh, true. He does have, he does spaz. I mean, you could turn the temp up on him a little. Oh, fuck. But he doesn't spaz, doesn't seem to hold grudges. I've never seen him sad. Nah. He just gets tired, dude.

Beezer just runs out of batteries and goes to bed and comes back. He just gets tired. Oh, fuck. He just rocks till his eyes get watery and he's just like. He wakes up. Yo. What are we doing? Yeah, that's all that matters.

Yeah, he was worried about where the skis have gone. Where have all the skis gone? He said, dude, they're on the links. Yeah, they're out there. Saturdays are for the boys. Golfing. They're drinking fucking Bud Lights. that's what you don't want is the you get out you get the broskis out there they're out on the links they're sipping cold pilsners their faces are red from sunburn and they hear some news and then they hit twitter and it's like dude that's

like a cia trained assassin true it's just the mean it'll be the meanest there's some guy ski yeah it's like fucking stand up quit kneeling fuck it i'm saying it yeah phil and his boys my dad and his boys are skis are they yeah absolute skis they go to the men's club they go to the elks get fucking bombed yep yo i went to bingo i went to bingo at the elks this weekend sat down one on my first card what yeah that it's a bingo. Did you? Yeah, the geezers were none too pleased.

I was flashy. What? Yeah, people, dude, I've never, I go there sometimes. Bingo at the Elks rules. Yeah. If you win, everyone hates you.

I bet. As soon as you win, people are like, Ugh. Ugh. It's so funny. How much did you win? I won 100 bucks. Woo! G gave it to the squad right i was like

put it on pay for the pilsners for the table bro that's what's respectable that can buy that that uh that's but you spiked the ball in the end zone oh yeah and that's got the money made sure everybody saw it you probably hated that even more dude phil phil hates to see me win really and it cut well i understand i'm a dickhead i'm like look i you know it skips a generation i have the championship gene okay well it happens i don't know why it skips a generation so he saw you stunt on the hundred yeah it's hard not to fold it up and put it in your pocket, dude. Start calculating gas money. Oh, yeah.

So get me back and forth in New York like six times. Yeah. That's a solid move to put on the table. The Elks Lodge, too, the beers are like $3. Yeah. So that's a lot of beers from the skis, dude. Everybody got tendies. Everybody's dinner was like tendies and Bud Lights and bingo.

It was a great night. You covered the whole night. It was it's a great night yeah so was it 100 every time someone won yeah and then the final that's 10 uh 10 or 20 and you get a stack of 10 cards and then there's 10 games and then there's the blackout you know what blackout is that's where you got to get every single one and that's the big money that was 500 and it was great because i was like i was one away i was like dude please let me get this and then the lady behind me was like bingo and i was like fuck and then i turned around it was like a lady with her two children she like kissed her kid it was like i was like oh fuck glad you won i would have felt like a dick i would have won it back oh it's a bingo some lady's like relying on it for groceries yeah you can see it was a big big it was like uh an eight mile doesn't she win bingo that one i think so i think she

comes home is like things are turning around i think that's what happened with that lady she won bingo and was like we're getting fucking bread and fucking cocoa crisps we Baby, we've done it. Mom coming home drunk on a bingo win. Holding up like 40 bucks left. I did it. Yeah, bingo's for like if you're too confused about blackjack, you're like, let's play bingo. Yeah, it's easy to cheat too.

You can cheat the whole time. How do you cheat? You just get a nice advantage at the beginning. So when you get your cards, you get 10 cards, but you can use any of them at any time. So I don't, so when you get your cards, you get 10 cards, but you can use any of them at any time. So I laid out a couple of salt with the first number hit. That's a good spot on this card.

Take that card. You keep your eye on the other ones too. And if they don't call any numbers of yours for a little while, you save the card. True. This is a dud. I'm gonna save it for the next time. Here we go.

Anytime 69 got called. Yeah. How are people feeling that? They all did it. Did they? Everybody at the Elks. When fucking 069 gets called, the place gets rowdy. The whole place is just, oh. Yeah, I swear to God.

Even the guy who called it is this big dude, this fat dude, like leaning behind a table with his fat wife. this big dude, this fat dude, like, leaning behind a table with his fat wife. He's like, everybody's favorite. Oh, 69. And the whole place, oh, shit. Do you know, someone has a song right now that's, like, subliminally about 69ing. Ariana Grande.

What? Her song's called 3435 that apparently is about 69ing. Damn, that's some numerology shit. Yeah shit yeah dude it's like 9 11 well it's so funny that like ariana grande is gonna some weird production team is gonna be like how about a song about how about a secret song about 60 90 and it's like yeah you know that thing no one likes dude i love 69s but nobody wants you love 69 69s? I think they're awesome. They're cool for a very brief amount of time. Yeah, I mean, I think they're awesome. Because everybody's... At least me, I'm a very terrible lovemaker.

I'm not really focused. I'm not in the moment at all, ever. Yeah, really. I'm literally just focused on... I'm not even enjoying the suck fest I'm getting. The tubular sucking what is your preferred 69 layout what is it what do you mean what is the other what's the options i mean you could go up you want me up top you could take the top no that'd be too much the top and just fucking get into four points my belly my dog would be. My belly would just be flat against her.

Like, suck whatever you want. Yeah, get in there. I'm eating pussy. I'm going down. Dude, this song is so funny because it's about, like, watching movies and all. Like, basically, it's Ariana Grande, like, poetically trying to get a guy to come to her house to 69 all night. But she's talking about, like, movie nights and stuff. And it's like.

Yeah, it's not a tough sell ariana grande like going from netflix to chill to like oh and part of that is a long 69 session yeah it's just fucking weird that's not a thought like the pope would say yes yeah yeah i'm done with this yeah dude the pope came out against uh the church made an official stance against uh i think gay unions which is a funny word for uh gay people hanging out yeah unions that's what the philadelphia indoor soccer team is named after philadelphia gay union it's true every single fucking group of mls fans is gay god i hate mls they're dude mls fan sections they're all don't get me started mla you would hate them what's up you saw it's it's antifa what every single one every single

there's a direct link between antifa and whatever local mls teams uh fan section is because they're all dorks. Searching for meaning. That they never had when they were young, so now they latched on to an MLS team that was started in 2011. Owned by John Bon Jovi. Finally, meaning in my life.

I'm going to wear this fedora and chucks. Go watch arena soccer. Go watch terrible soccer. Why do... I don't know. there's a direct line why would antifa support well i guess because it's like a global they're like this is the least racist sports soccer because everyone plays true even though it's probably the most racist big time every single european game like someone throws a banana at a play well yeah you're dealing with

people where it's like you can do that in your whole yeah you're going up against like serbians yeah and you're england and you're like everyone everyone's like, fuck yeah, fuck those guys. Yeah. There's not people like, well, actually, it's like, no. I mean, I'm sure that exists in England, but. I'm sure England's up there. But. England's actually equally as gay as us.

Yeah. Not that it's gay to fight racism, but. I know what you're talking about. To like tear down a Winston Churchill statue. Yeah. Congratulations, you're gay. Why did they tear down a Churchill statue? I think he was statue. Yeah. Congratulations. You're gay. Why did they tear down Churchill's statue?

I think he was racist. Yeah. He also saved us from fascism. But, you know, whatever. Really? Yeah, he fucking defeated the Nazis.

Yeah, but still, man. He was the last lion, dude. Was he really? He was hanging on. He was the bastion we needed. You ever see that movie? What? Churchill?

The Darkest Hour. No. Oh, it's great. I wouldn't want... I refuse wouldn't i refuse to watch it fuck people were complaining about my history stuff fuck them why what's wrong with that i don't know people were yapping fuck they don't there's a fucking sick ass movie about it's just funny that they so like england needed they're like we need the guy who's the best at talking shit to save us from this and that just cuts to like a attic where fat churchill's in his bed just getting hammered and they're like we need him turn him on and he's just like we will fight on the beaches like he just immediately starts talking that shit did he ever do you think he

ever sent messages to hitler like fuck you dude definitely fucking art school yeah pussy pussy ass bull you think he said that must have been so funny sending messages and just talking shit dude it's like the japan thing talking shit to j, right? That must have been so funny sending messages to Hitler and just talking shit to him. Dude, that's like the Japan thing. Talking shit to Japan when you know you have nukes. Just like,

you sure you guys don't want to say sorry? You should say sorry. I never, I never used a renary. I bet you do. Yeah, I'm furious about

Winston Churchill, dude. You should be. I heard he was sexist too. Oh, definitely. What year was this? I mean, it's World War II when he was at his peak. So, 1940?

Yeah. And then I think they had to remove him after World War II because they didn't need that juice anymore. Really? Yeah. They didn't pull him off. We can turn this down.

He was still in office. Like, we got to fuck the Soviet Union up. Everyone was like, yeah, chill, chill, chill. Chill. We've had enough war. Yeah, we're done. Yeah, we had a couple of those. Nice. We had some bulls that were like, all right chill, chill. Chill. We've had enough war. Yeah, we're done. Yeah, we had a couple of those.

Nice. We had some bulls that were like, all right, Soviet Union's next. And everyone was like, please no. Yeah, we don't want to fight. We've had enough. They'll fall apart. Yeah, they did. Hell yeah.

They were right. Yeah, I wonder. So you're saying Iran. You think we're going to fight Iran? No. All right. I haven't heard anything. That would be too big.

Yeah. That would be too big yeah that'd be too grand scale yeah we're gonna keep fucking with the small ones the fractured ones yeah i don't yeah i think they're gonna keep that on the table like we might fuck around smash iran i don't know yeah maybe we will maybe we'll maybe maybe iran maybe we'll fucking go to war with china dude i don't know yeah maybe china will fucking find out i think we'll see yeah a lot of people are just talking shit dude it's like yo bro if yo, bro, if you're going to be about it, dude. That's because our news. Our news is fucking inciting fear.

Yeah. What do you guys think about World War III? Wouldn't that be terrifying? It's like, yeah, for sure. After the break, we all might die in a single flash of heat and light. It's just a Dove soap commercial. Yeah, I was going to say, is that a commercial? My wife's a bitch, i got a dove shut the fuck up yeah man dude i uh i was thinking about that today it's like i haven't heard anything about biden dude i don't there's just i don't hear

anything he hasn't spoken what he hasn't spoken publicly since he's been in office nothing no he stood out front they got like the German Shepherd like bit somebody or something. What? Yeah, they had to send the German Shepherd down to Delaware. They had to relocate him. Send him down. Why'd it bite someone? I forget. What happened there? Did either of you two numbskulls know?

It was something. He stood out front in like a cool fucking bomber jacket and jeans. Yeah. And aviators. Took it likeators took it like it was like holding a dog yeah it's like dude who is this guy he is dead he may be dead yeah man i don't i mean i've i've heard that uh i've heard that he showed he's showing signs of like advanced uh yeah which it's funny you forget the word all's like yeah i forget like uh that thing where you forget everything um but yeah no i haven't heard anything from him, man.

I don't like. He has not spoken. I was getting bombarded with Trump news and all my presidential news just stopped. And I'm like, I feel lost. I thought he was supposed to. I'm waiting for him to bring us together. He's supposed to unite us. He's working on it.

Is he? Yeah, we're going to be together. I can't wait till he brings me together with all the people who don't want anything to do with me. Yeah. Joe Biden said so. we have to hang out and talk now i have to do alt rooms joe biden said you have to let me into your safe spaces you have to it was we did the long dark winter darker than anything we've ever done now we're coming pretty dark it actually did get pretty dark dude the squad's falling apart nah dude the

broskies broskies are holding strong dude Dude, I'm proposing we should have a carnival-type festival every 10 years to commemorate the coronavirus. Because we came out of 2020. We should do 2030. It should be like a more... Dude, we do that at Helium every two weeks. True, yeah. We mourn the losses.

True. We should do that. There should be a big nationwide... Shut, shut everything down for seven days. Yeah, like the Purge, except a party. Everyone go outside, show all of your vaccinations that you're now mandated to show. Dude, I think they're going to try to make people start showing them. Your vaccination things? I think that's coming, bro.

That's coming. That's coming. You're going to see. I haven't got my flu shot. Yeah, for, like, flights and all that shit. I think it's coming. Almost definitely. I'll be on the john madden bus okay true i'm on the john madden bus tomorrow are you yeah the chevy cruz with the bees dude you gotta wrap that thing dude you've got to wrap true in what though just your face what yeah wrap the crew no dude funny man you should wrap the cruise. Dude, funny man Shane. You should do Problem Child.

Funny man Shane. Funny man Shane or the Problem Child, dude. And just have it like book. Book me for bookings. Have my IG, Twitter on my back windshield. Instagram, dude. My back. And then just for good measure, get a Herbalife thing on the back of your car.

Sponsored by Bluetooth, Herbalife. Yeah, I should just drive a nascar just podcast sponsors get like a ridiculous car and just wrap it yeah be sick to die in just get a very bloody violent wreck and some wrapped bullshit yeah it'd be tough to take seriously dude you gotta start thinking money dude what i want to die in a neon green and black wrapped thing with your face and then just be like dude that would be sick yeah that'd be awesome i wonder how many tickets i'll get people pull this thing over. This is crazy.

He's up to something. Nah, dude. No one would even blink. True. It was my face. That's Problem Child. It's my face flying by going 80. Damn, there goes Problem Child. And every comedy club you do, park it sideways in four spots, dude.

Problem Child has arrived. Set up some merch out of the trunk. spots dude problem child has arrived set up some merch out of the trunk i was actually i was actually going to start up a small savings account where i'm gonna take my money and start slowly like hitting pet boys hard as fuck and pimping my ride like just a little bit at a time yeah just make like get the thing that like the little light bar that like goes with the music and it's like yo thank you everybody just want to show you you know yes with your support i tricked out the interior of my honda civic and just have like just you know please check it out spoiler monster ground effects yeah maybe get some 12s or some 14s dude and it's also 12s 12s oh my god no i'm talking about the speakers oh i thought

you're talking about the rims 12 inch rims on? On a Civic? You're looking at 14s. I was about to say, yeah, not 12s. 14s. Yeah, there's some 14s. But that's an LX, right? That's a 14s. I think so, yeah. Them 14s. I told Brittany I was going to get plastic spinners, and she's like, I won't.

I don't know if they even, yeah. They'll make them. I can get them. I believe you. I can get plastic spinners. Double D's has them. Double D's is probably selling spinners. I might start a rim shop.

It's a plastic rim. A plastic only rim shop, dude. Yeah. That'd be sick. Do people still into rims? No. Damn. That sucks.

That was tight. Rims did rule. Yeah, rims are sick. I was waiting to be able to get some, and I feel like now I actually might be able to get rims, and it's like now no one even likes them anymore. True. I got really sick rims. Dude, that would be sick. to get rims and it's like now no one even likes them anymore true i got really sick rims dude that would be sick remember when rims were cool and now we're just you know what's cool bisexual water polo players yeah dude how can i ever become that i mean i i think it's kind of racist to you know throw rims on it you know how many rim shops are

going under water they're like no one's buying them it's like yeah everyone's jizzing on each other now no one wants rims yeah everybody's afraid of appropriating true i should trick phil's car out christmas 2021 just get them rims oh fuck how's this my wheels are fine how much do these cost 2200 you gotta get phil so just one rim at least it's like yeah he wouldn't notice you get one spinner on the back just fucking let him go and then when he finally found it he'd be coming out of the elks the hell's this the hell it's still moving i'm stopped yeah oh my god dude i took a um i took an ice bath yesterday like ice like 22 pounds of ice in a bathtub 30 34 degree water why i dude i want to start ice bathing i want to get into it it's too cold i was my tap i can't my tap came out at i finally tempted tempted up. It's, sorry, I keep crying.

It's 56 degrees, I believe. Chilly. And I've submerged myself in that. You got those pupils, too. No, dude, I'm telling you, I'm out on the micros. Oh, I thought it was Tuesday. I usually do. You just have beautiful eyes.

That's the problem. Thank you, bro. Were you microdosing on the Michaela Peterson podcast? No. Everyone thinks I'm a... Everyone, yeah. I got DMs. I was like, probably.

No, I swear to God. I was trying to expand was mad. I was like, probably. No, I swear to God. I was trying to expand the legend. I was like, definitely. Yeah, dude. I was on 10 hits of acid. No, I was just chilling. The... But yeah, dude.

I thought she wasn't going to put that out. So did I. After a few weeks, I was like... I thought she... And honestly, I was like... Yeah, I wouldn't care. Yeah. I was like, it makes sense.

Because she was pretty straight-faced after several jokes. Yeah. Including the partially blind fuck with us heavy after she was talking about the fucking dude with one eye senator dan krenshaw yeah sorry bro but yeah that was that was very funny actually i remember that being like dude partially blind fuck with us heavy she was like straight face just like okay so what was it like yeah that was funny she was a good sport she was

she's a good sport producer rules too she's a beautiful angel yeah dude she's a sweet beautiful angel jp's daughter dude i might stand up fucking rock jp dude i would shatter jp i might stand up what are you gonna stand up for i might stand. Wouldn't you be stoked? You're talking about shattering JP so you can steal his talk. I would expose JP, dude. It's on sight. If I see JP giving a talk. You think you're going to punch him in the face? I'm not going to punch him. I'm going to go straight to it.

I'm going to guillotine him. I'm going to jump in the air. Bring him down with me. I would kill him. He's got like diseases. If you gave him a DDT, he'd die. I might stun him to death. Just go on stage while he's giving like diseases. If you gave him a DDT, he'd die. I might stun him to death. Just go on stage while he's giving a talk.

Or cut the lights. Cut the lights. How do I stand up? Cut the lights. Choke slam him. Cut the lights. Wake up. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. If you did. Choke slam him off stage to death. I feel like he might be able To survive a pedigree He could survive A pedigree Head first With my weight

Coming down His head might If I give a pedigree To someone They might Their head might pop Piledriver No chance

Piledriver He's dead He's dead He'd survive The people's elbow He might be A critical condition Might be a standing suplex

Big J I'm stealing Big J's on that what big j is talking about beating up women and he's talking about doing like a standing suplex to a woman oh and having her like in on it so she's standing you know yeah yeah jp you could rock oh yeah you would fuck him up for sure but his son would avenge him he has a son? yeah dude oh yeah I saw him

quiet bull he's a quiet dude true he would come out dude like a maniac you know some guy got punched in the face of the raven last night?

no that's great news yeah dude Sean show me the footage who got punched? just strangers or comics? some dude he was on stage he's a comic

he was on stage? he was on stage were you there? I was He was on stage? He was on stage. Gardini, were you there? I was not there, but he put the video up of him getting punched in the face on his Instagram. He got fucking rocked, dude. It was really bad. He's my friend. Really?

Yeah. Which friend do you think he would... You don't know him. I mean, he put it online. Yeah, his name is Naeem Ali. Shout out. I do know Naeem. Isn't Naeem jacked?

Yeah. Isn't that who? He's fighting LeMarie. He wants to box LeMarie in. Well, he's 0-1 right now. He's 0-1 in amateur bouts. Who's the guy who punched him? It's a little bit of personal business.

Not even a comic, just a dude that didn't like him. Just lurking in the back of the comedy show for two hours. And then right when it was ending, he ran on and just sucked him. Got him at his closer. Yeah, dude. On stage or walking off stage? Dude, his head hit the back of the wood. He got...

It was a running... Dorian broke it up, though. Dorian hopped in, bro. Nice. I'm just happy he didn't light somebody up. Dirty Deeds could have lit someone up. That's what I'm saying, bro. He would have released the snake out of his...

Stay back. Like his dark materials, dude? Yeah. A snake would... Dorian probably has a snake on him. Keeps that thing on him. Keeps a 12-inch boa on him. Yeah, he also keeps that thing on him, dude.

Does he? Yeah, bro. Come on. Dorian keeps a gun and a snake on him. Yeah, all the time. The deeds. Dorian's like Bayou Billy, dude. So this guy got fucking laid.

That's my nightmare, dude. Getting laid out at the Raven. That sucks. I mean, this dude got a full. That's my nightmare, dude. Getting laid out at the Raven. That sucks. I mean, this dude got a full running head start. Ran up. Cracked him. Jermaine O'Neal him. Yeah, dude.

From fucking the... Hard as fuck. You remember that punch? Jermaine O'Neal... Was that when he went in the stands? Yeah, but then there was like a little guy, a little fat guy came on the court. And fucking seven foot Jermaine O'Neal ran across. Gave him like a sliding punch.

Who was the guy who did it up in the stands? That was Ron Artest. I'm thinking Ron Artest. He went up. Yeah, I didn't see Jermaine O'Neal ran across. Gave him like a sliding punch. Who was the guy who did it up in the stands? That was Ron Artest. I'm thinking Ron Artest. Yeah, I didn't see Jermaine O'Neal. Steven Jackson. That's his name, right? Steven Jackson. He's the man.

Yeah. I support them for that. Hell yeah, dude. That's awesome. Someone threw a drink at you? Yeah. And the whole team, the Pacers are just like, all right, fuck them.

Fuck this, dude. We're going. Why? It must have been the away team. They were the away team. Where they at detroit yeah and what happened was ron artest kind of got into a fight with ben wallace yeah i don't know if you remember him he was a fucking terrifying monster he's a big dude like the the argument was who would win a fight shack or ben wallace that's an argument what, he was that level of beast. Damn.

Because Diesel would get you. He knows Kung Fu, too. True. You've seen a Shaq-ville. Shaq-ville? I think Shaq is a CBD company. Probably. He's also with the General, Papa John's.

He's all day. Is he really? Yeah, he does every commercial. Really? He's the new Billy Mays. What? He is. He saw this boat in half. That's what he's a new billy mays what he is he saw this boat in half that's what he's gonna do

um yeah the dude got rocked guy got rocked yeah smack his head against the wall and then he popped you know again people you have to pop up people rush the dude and you know everyone dorian fucking came jumped in on it didn't get his sock on it didn't even punch that guy i said i figured some people while people are holding we gotta give him a little butt belly a little bit i'd like to kill you yeah you're a little fucking i mean i definitely i know 100 i would if i had the that opportunity i would punch that guy just because just because that's because i would i would just be like i don't ever get to punch someone as hard as i get in the ribs i need to do this right i would absolutely punch them at least three times as hard as i could yeah just like i have no emotional investment in the person or whatever but if i was in that situation

i went through a phase where i was doing that in college to anybody that was taking a uh what the fuck was a keg stand anybody that was getting keg stand i'll get under there's one dude i remember i was at pit i was at my friend's frat and they were doing a keg stand and the dude doing it and i just socked him in the dick like three times his legs but people were holding him he was trying to like curl up he's like dude what the fuck someone fucking is hitting me and i left it's so funny yeah next time you see someone doing a keg stand definitely punch for the balls oh fuck punch in the belly oh punching the belly of the balls on a keg stand, definitely punch them in the balls. Oh, fuck. Punch them in the belly.

Oh, punching the belly in the balls on a keg stand. Well, because they try to curl up, but people are like holding their legs as hard as they can. They're getting restrained. It's also, too, it's funny because you're just late for the party. Oh, yeah. You're like, oh, it's my time. Let's go. And you're like, oh, oh, oh, my nuts.

Someone's punching me in the dick. Let go of my legs. Yo, what's the record? 35 seconds? Watch this. Oh, fuck. We should go to a college party. Please.

And just punch somebody in the dick. Any college listeners, let us come to your party. Let us come to your party and punch somebody in the dick. I promise not to be a sexual predator. I don't think you can. Well, you can, yeah. I guess there's other ways to predate upon women who aren't, you know. Yeah, so.

But he won't do that. I would not do that. I'm just coming there to punch someone in the dick and leave immediately. That'd be so funny, dude. It'd be great. Dude, if you went to, honestly. Especially because if we went to a college party, the only way we'd get invited was if one dude liked our podcast. They'd bring

us in and be like yo these are uh my favorite podcasters and everyone would be like who the fuck are these losers and we'd punch them then punch a kid in the dick and everyone would be like oh you're the best get that kid out of here i'm gonna show up for the college party dressed like it's uh kate hartley wade i'll have like ski goggles on my side of my head or we're both gonna get pants that's my the ultimate fear with college students is getting pants yeah dude i uh we should do that i i think we can't go to a college party no no i'm saying what i want to do take i'm going to take it even a step further i'm going to build this into like a 10-year plan, maybe 20-year plan. I want to get old and retire quietly to like a college town and just study Kung Fu, spend the last half of my life being really good at Kung Fu and become something like dark folklore where I break into college parties like those full moons.

And just fuck people up. And just punch like three people in the dick and just leave. They're like, dude, I swear to God, this guy, he got up. He's a legend. That's not true. That's actually really – It happens every 10 years. Yeah, that's great.

I would have like a real weird house and I would come out decked in black like three in the morning. People would be so drunk. They'd be like. Do it every Corona party. If you sync it up every 10 years during festival, carnival. I might start a carnival just so I can punch a college kid in the nuts. Just one.

Just lay out college. Just catch him like by himself. Break into a frat house while they're all like watching TV. What the fuck, dude? Just hit a kid right in the chest. First kid is're all like watching tv what the fuck dude just hit a kid right in the chest first kid's like you gotta get the fuck out of here bro stay underneath your fucking my club of course and then just pop a kid in the chest what the fuck dude that's not cool don't fly we're trying to come on each other here what the fuck in the years we're watching

generation yeah frat houses will be by the wayside oh yeah they'll be gone in the next 10 years they're gone maybe i'll have to break into sororities and fucking what is that guy's name who's the serial killer ted bondy i'm not gonna kill them i'm just gonna break into you say you're not gonna kill i'm gonna push wait till you get in there there's no one around dude dude. You say you're not going to murder them. That's why I never went into a sorority house. You're not going to nibble any after you knock them out? In college, I remember a girl being like, when I come in the sorority house,

and my head being like, I might murder all of you. It's so hard not to murder all of you guys. I have a very deep desire to kill all of you. I don't know what that is. So I'm not going to come in. Do you want to come up to my room? It's like, no, I would kill everybody in there. Probably with my bare hands while you guys are sleeping. i'd murder and at least eat one of you i would take a bite

out of dude i might scrumptious are your college girls oh dude to murder them and then eat them yeah that's i mean dude i might go on vacation that's's every dude's dream. Every dude's... Every ski's dream is to drive a golf cart into a sorority. Just munch. Murder a munch. Oh, my God. What do you think with a golf... What's the weapon of choice? Strangle.

Get a water sleeper, just like, hey. And then once they're out you get a finger get a couple tendies and head out oh the fridge is the fridge is stocked dude i actually was in a sorority house once the freezer is stocked with snacks all of their mommies and daddies go in there and buy them food yeah yeah freezers and i get their periods and eat them that's all i yep then their pussies bleed and they eat ice cream yep disgusting yeah that's why that's why i want to get in there yeah dude i i think i might actually do it where instead of busting into the house i might just like i could even go undercover as a security

guard just ride a huffy all night just chill on a huffy and see like a drunk dude walking home alone call him a rapist or just beat the hell out of him. Oh, you're saying call him a rapist. Oh, yeah. You can just be the Swedish bicycle guys. Oh, that'd be awesome. All you have to do is see a college kid walking home. Be like, oh, rapist. That's how you should train for your frat.

Like occasionally just wallop a fucking dude walking home. That's what I'm saying. That's how I'd keep the focal or going. You have to find someone alone and like very drunk at three in the morning and it's go up behind them like security just like punch them in the nuts right in the nuts no just and then i would try to freeze security like can you knock someone unconscious by punching them in the dick there has to be a level where they pass out just fucking and then run and just take off the guy would be like waking up like i think someone punched me in the nuts last night. Like, no, they fucking didn't.

Yeah, especially if you have a security flashlight. Blind them. You can blind them while you approach. Oh. Just be like, freeze. Put your hands over the top of your head. Fucking back. Right in the nut.

The cops come. What would you have named it? You'd have to have like the strangler or something like that. The Nutcracker, dude. The Nutcracker? The Nutcracker. What campus? Where are you going to terrorize?

I might go some small, like rural college out in the middle of Pennsylvania. Oh, yeah. Something like a small college. Yeah. Like a nice folklore. You could get Messiah College. That's right by me. That'd be nice.

It's a Christian university. That's like a dry campus. That'd be perfect. That'd be great. Wait, they're not going to be drunk ever? Yeah, but they're very religious, so the lore will grow like crazy. They'll be like, there's an actual demon on campus. True.

They'd be like performing exorcisms. You'd pop out of the woods. Oh like crazy. They'll be like, there's an actual demon on campus. True. They'd be like performing exorcisms. You'd pop out of the woods. Oh. No. Just start running away. That would be awesome, dude. Lurking and just, even if you didn't hit him in the nuts, but just like gut punch, any kind of just hard strike on it.

Just a kid who's like 19, like, what's up, man? Oh, fuck. What's up, dude? Be like, I'm not your dude. It's sir. Dude. I'm not your buddy. Might have to go to the Elks and start a secret brotherhood.

Next time you go to the Elks, try to win bingo and just be like, yes, dude. Everyone in there will be like, what the fuck? Dude was their generation. You know what I mean? Like our generation. Generation is to us what dude was. Everyone's walking around saying dude. What the hell?

That would piss them off. Like, oh, I'm right here, dude. Dude? I'm thinking of that. Hitting Phil with that right now. What's up, dude? What's up, dude? What's up, dude? Lower his fucking glasses.

That's it. I'll do, dude. Yeah. You think I'm not your dude? I'm not your dude. I'm not your dude. You think I'm one of your buddies? You think I'm MacGyver or whatever it is?

He calls you MacGyver nonstop. All he does is call you macgyver he's like you and uh macgyver you guys still doing that yes dude when are you gonna that makes me so happy they're so eager to know if people are stopping doing comedy really all of them that's all they yeah my parents are very like, you and MacGyver still doing that little thing? It's like, yeah, we are. That's so fucking funny. Yeah. Dude, MacGyver fucking rules.

Yeah. Pretty pumped up. He constantly calls you MacGyver. Oh, that's so sick. That's so sick. Yeah. At this point, it's intentional. It has to be.

Even rules. He's losing his mind. Yeah. He's a geez, dude. He's full Biden. He's like 10 years, 15 years younger than Biden. What the fuck? Think of him.

Yeah. Think of any of your geezer dads like 10 years from now. What's running the country? Dude, that's insane. What's Biden's drug use history? Trump is substanceless. Yeah. He said he didn't do anything.

Yeah, but trump was definitely on the something because he was spry dude he was a geez yeah wait do you think he took like like something from his doctor it's probably adderall he probably doesn't count medicine as she's probably yeah it's medicine yeah of course yeah it was probably adderall you think he was on adderall yes damn i mean honestly i think every president should be think he was on Adderall the whole time? Damn. I mean, honestly, I think every president should be required to be on Adderall. Which is impressive considering how thick he is.

That's what I'm saying, dude. I don't know if he was on Adderall. He's that thick and he's just juiced on Adderall. He might not be on Adderall. I think he was. He had to be on something. I think he's just high T.

I agree. First off, please don't let me be on the side of the argument that's against Trump being high T. Obviously, the he's high please don't let me please don't let me be on the side of the argument that's against trump being high t obviously the guy's high t i think he's i think he's just high t high iq and it looks like he's on high iq i think he's like 160 probably he's slightly lower than jones it's like jones is 170 jones is 160 but no i don't know i i just i just miss hearing stuff about my president dude i feel lost i know even if it was bad stuff, at least I knew what was going on.

Isn't it nice to be able to go back to being able to publicly be like, yo, Trump fucking ruled? It's pretty funny. Yeah. Pretty funny, man. Everyone's kind of coming around on that tip, too. What do you mean? Everybody that was pretty neutral on Trump is like, damn, Trump's gone. Yeah.

It sucks. I mean, dude. Christmas is dead now. Yeah? The war on Christmas is officially over. Yeah, dude. I guess we're going to all go back to believing the news again or something? dude christmas is dead now yeah the war on christmas is officially over yeah dude we all we i guess we're gonna all go back to believing the news again the skis were just sent back into the darkness back to the links they're just they're on hole 17 right now they'll return to

save us they'll be back well they're probably i mean the stickers are still on the golf carts that's that's what my gonna be my, dude. Golf cart with a Trump 2020. It's going to be year 2040. I'm going to pull up and just punch people in the nuts. What the fuck is that? Who the fuck is Trump? He was the best ever. You were racist if you liked him.

It was a fun time. The media spun an unfair narrative about him and race. Yeah, dude. Fuck yeah. I like your plan. That's a good plan. Ray Sproul. Yeah, dude. Fuck yeah. I like your plan. That's a good plan. Terrorize universities. Yeah.

Just one kid at a time. That keeps the folklore going. One dude. It would be, yeah. You'd be like the, yeah, like the Jersey Devil. Exactly. It'd be like kids would like

drive at night to try to find it. It'd be a PA dick puncher, dude. There he is. You'd be at home in a, you know, an ice bath. Just ice and just punch in the water so apparently this this was a this was tough for me this i had a tough week well i did the ice bath but before i did it i watched a lot of guys on youtube who are like there's this there's this youtube market where these guys are quietly um coming out as like these kind of like new age health guys who are all all like way

against coronavirus it's a very weird blend of they don't believe it dude not it not at all but they like not at all like the one guy there's so that paul check is one guy he's he's like a little more tame he's a little more reserved he's still like he's a wild dude and then you have this guy certified health nut who certified health nut is into taking cold ice baths and then ball slapping he's when you come out of a cold ice bath and slap your balls it like it's good for you apparently he calls it sexual kung fu and he also kung fu i do have to tell you how much of him do you believe? Well. Have you tried slapping your balls after an ice bath? No, no, no.

God, no. No, no. All right. I don't want to. I took the ice bath. I took the ice bath. Did you think about it? Well, dude, it was so, like, again, I've done the 50 degree.

Oh, my God. This water was so. Slapping your balls after an ice bath? I don't know how hard he's slapping. So he's going to come out with a program. Even if you fucking, like, that would suck. Dude, I did the 35 degree ice bath in my my buttocks like my butt muscles seized in like just crazy pain i was like ow ow i feel like i

have to do the barrel that i'm totally submerged because it was like parts of my body that were out of the tub just convinced the parts that were in like get out so i just like dip my butt and my legs and my back and my fucking ass just hurt dude it like it hurt it was just like it was a pain so i'm gonna go like before bed no it's like the middle of the afternoon what are you and then i had a kink neck a further kink to my neck too because i i seized up so like my neck now it was a little bit of a kinked my neck too because I seized up. So like my neck now, it was a little bit of a kink. Now the kink is like full like when someone calls my name, I'm like. Yeah, well, that's because. What are you doing?

Well, I needed to do it, dude. No. It was a challenge. I needed to do it. I will be able to take that degree, that level of temperature, but I got to work my way down. Yeah. You check the hypothermia tables.

You can stay within 30 degrees for 10, 15 minutes. Nice warm baths. minutes nice warm baths i do i like that book and a candle i like those too get into that i take those all right but the cold water taking a bath cold water is good for you you get that platelet rich but like it just sucks all of like this weird blood cell like your body thinks it's going to die basically and just kicks out all this good stuff for your body it's good it is good for you but dude is that real science or is that from the youtube guy that's that's real okay that's real i mean i know it's good for like muscles yeah because we would do it after football you'd have to do it exactly that's why i wouldn't do it yeah did you guys do what yeah it was ice it was ice water it was giant bucket like plastic yep bins you filled it with ice that's what i got it i need and it was the worst because what temp water was it? It was ice. It was ice water. It was a giant bucket, like plastic bins

and you filled it with ice. That's what I got. I need that. And it was the worst because the coaches would be like, ice baths after practice. I'd be like, how long did you sit in there for?

I don't know. I would rarely do it. Really? Yeah. Dude, I was a loser. I just wanted to be the captain of the water polo.

Dude, just ball slapping. I would walk by and look at people doing it and be like, what the fuck are you thinking? They don't be jacked with abs and black.

Dude, it actually will. I'll just fuck out of this small dick. Dude, well, here's the thing you don't want to happen in. If you're in a barrel, you can just submerge in there. Your penis floating? Straight out of the fucking water, dude. How big? What diameter are we talking to the head here at this point?

What do you mean? Like width or the height? I mean, dude, I'm talking like my dick. If my penis was in that, yeah. Let's go scale. My dick was literally this big. Yeah. And it was like, it was so small that it was erect.

It was the craziest thing I've ever seen. It stood straight up. Yeah, that's crazy. No, I'm saying like, it just went. Can't even imagine. I've never seen, I've had it float in the bathtub. This was just like, there was no other way I could give it float in the bathtub this was just like there was no there was no other way it's good news right there oh dude this thing must i must be giving i'm on cam true

and you're skinny right now dude it was it was you must have had a full team it was tiny dude i'm giving my you know i'm not i'd have to take a picture i wasn't it was such a freakishly small penis that i was like what i'd be happy to see that. That would make my day. It's pretty fucking sick. That would make my day. And I would promise not to show it. I never showed you a Grinch photo. True. In its entirety.

True. That was a good photo. That photo, I still have it. I mean, I love it. Great photo. If you die, I'm releasing it. You have to. Day of death, I'm putting it out.

That'll be at my funeral, dude. That's your obituary. Yeah, that'll be your funeral card. Has to. Dude. That was terrifying. Oh, that picture was crazy. Oh, yeah.

Was that like when you were like, I got to get in shape when you saw it? I was still trying to get in shape. I'm telling you, that's night vision, dude. It throws your body. I mean. Night vision adds 40 pounds and adds 60 years to your body. Yeah, I agree. I knew that was night vision.

I knew you weren't that. But no, I was kind of like, I was trying to get in shape before that. Oh, yeah. You told me. I was just like, Jesus Christ i was trying to get in shape before that oh yeah you told me i was just like jesus christ yeah yeah that's why i avoid photos my poor daughter just looking out waking up and just seeing just the bitch dude yeah the bitch and literally the bitch it's walking upside down no my main goal is not to No, my main goal is not to require, like, serious assistance upon the time of my death. That's what I'm trying to avoid.

That's all I care about is not having to be, like, rolled over. Resuscitated. Yeah, or just, like. People screaming. I don't want to burden some Jamaican lady with having to, like, wipe my ass for five years before I die. Yeah. Although that sounds right up your alley. Well, I'd like to be able my ass for five years before I die. Yeah. Or. Although that sounds right up your alley. Well, I'd like to be able to enjoy it.

Put it that way. I think you would. I'd like to be able. I'm saying like. I think you would enjoy that. Be young and spry and just be like, it's time to get my ass wiped. I think you'll always be young at heart. Matt, you play too much.

Matt, you've been shitty boy. I ain't wiping your fucking ass. Big shitty boy, Matt McClusker. Stop playing with me and wipe your own ass. No, I'm staring down the barrel of a nice massive heart attack. You think so? Hopefully at like a kid's party. Brr.

He has a mid-hot dog. He's like, I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm going to go expire in the bathroom. I'll be right back. You got to start dressing for your heart attack polo cat no I'm talking about some polo and tucked in khakis I'm ready to die dude at all times you know I don't think a lot dude dude the medical technology is too big dressed ready to die Fauci's gonna steal your fucking warrior's death dude Fauci's gonna take away your warrior's dead warrior's dead at the grill like Tony Soprano passing out through a grill.

Knocking it over, starting a fire. You're scheming on like a 4th of July. I am, yeah. Yes. It'll be hot out. Just like you fall into a bunch of plates. You're like, call 911. Yeah.

My last words, I want to hear people shouting. Yeah. Help. Help him. Call 911. Oh last words I want to hear people Shouting Yeah Help Help him Call 911 Oh my god There's some bitch wife I didn't even care about

I'm dying I'm like She's in pain I'm like yes The doctors fix you When you come back You're just Fuck

Yeah We're getting shot That'd be a good Shot a bunch of times Yeah Let me tell you Where do you think You get shot at I don't know Yeah, we're getting shot. That'd be a good shot a bunch of times. Yeah, that'd be tight. Where do you think you get shot at? I don't know. Where do you think?

I don't know. Why? What do you mean? I don't think you're getting shot. I hope like. What setting? You know, I'm thinking backyard barbecue for the heart attack. I'm thinking backyard barbecue as well.

And just a couple of G-men come in with Tommy guns. What? What about a hunting accident hunting accident would also be tight that'd be tight yeah getting hit while in the fucking tree stand falling out just getting jfk yeah just up there shitting in a bucket like those maniacs do you know they do that they just shit in buckets in their tree stands yeah they're like chain smoking drinking coffee in the morning as soon as you get to the tree stand you got a crap

yeah yeah i mean dude for every deer that gets shot with a remington it's like a woman who doesn't get smacked in the head that's true that's something you gotta just so yeah sit you just sit out a woman smacked in fucking freezing cold fucking wooden tree house, and you're like, that's fucking, damn, bitch. What do you think? I would never advocate for the violence against women. It's disgusting. It's disgusting.

There's got to be a split second. When you finally connect? Yeah. I'm honestly. Extract that bit. That's not a good bit. No, I know what you're saying. It's not a good bit, but you ever see like, like in the longest yard when the one guy's

in for punching the warden, he got an extra like 10 years. Like, was it worth it? And he's like, yeah. I wonder if there's just one guy out there that's in jail. Like, yeah, it was worth it. It was worth it. It was worth it. I tagged her.

I think, I think. It's like a Tyson fucking walk up. Just fucking. I think we should do something like, there should be weight class should be considered. For sure. I agree. It should be. You got to hit a big Bertha if you're a big dog.

Yeah. It's like Welter heavy. You got to lay out a Bertha. Featherweight Welter. There has to be some sort of ruling, especially if women are kick ass. Well, if the women are kick ass and she's been taking classes on like self-defense, you're like, all right, let's see let's see yeah yeah i feel like their needs i mean with with you know i mean you can't just the law itself i again i'm violence against women in this episode i would never do it

no i'm talking about murder hitting kids in the nuts i'm just talking about murder we're also talking about murdering college we're just talking about the urge to murder entire sororities. You know that deep desire that all men have buried deep in them to break into a house and murder? It only comes up when people threaten

to destabilize the patriarchy, I've noticed. True. When people are like, wait a second, when people talk about the wage gap, I'm like,

I just see like those Greek letters and I'm like, get away. One is running them. Murder them. No, I'm kidding. I don't want to murder a sorority. Yeah, I don't think you do. No, I just want to just run in there and murder them. No, I'm kidding. I don't want to murder somebody.

Yeah, I don't think you do. No, I just want to. I don't think you do. I don't want to do anything there. I just, I'd go in there. I don't even want to go in there. Make sure they're all okay. Is everybody studying?

Is everybody good? All right, get back to your studies. I'm going to slowly walk out backwards. Slowly grip, slowly grip the handle of the butcher knife. In your front pocket. Palms sweating. Guy's studying hard. I hope you guys are catching up on all your books.

No. No. Can't hold it in your wrist. That's holding it. No. What movie are you guys watching? Scream. That's a good one. That's like one of my favorites, actually.

Fuck. Don't cry, dude. They're like, oh, all of our... There's a girl watching TV. Where's everybody else? It's like, oh, they're all taking a nap. They're in their PJs upstairs. Bake the window.

What was that noise? Bake the window down here to slice down. Yeah, we can't keep it closed. So it's open at night? Yeah, it's like it's spring break. So most of the houses are empty. Except ours. Oh, fuck. yeah it's like it's spring break so most of the houses are empty except ours yeah that's a fun bit just murder there's a guy who wants to kill college girls out there fighting a good fight bundy did it dude oh he was like for every dude that does it there's

a hundred that are just kind of like they dropped their daughter off in college. They're like, oh. Yeah. Oh, man. They're up with their buddies playing murder, rape, eat. They're like, who would you murder? Who would you rape? Who would you eat? Well, yeah.

Murder, rape, eat is a good game. I'm eating Gamma Psi. Yeah, Gamma Psi. You got to murder them. You got to munch. We got to murder all of them eventually. The sororities? You can't just eat them alive. You have to murder them. You can't all of them, eventually. The sororities? You can't just eat them alive. You have to murder them.

You gotta catch and kill. Damn. Damn. Damn, I wish we would've got cancelled on that. On psychosexual masochism, whatever Norm Macdonald calls it? You know, psychosexual masochism? You know that thing that makes you feel like God? Yeah.

Fuck, man. Yeah, that'd be. You know, psychosexual masochism. You know that thing that makes you feel like God? Yeah. Fuck, man. Yeah, that would be funny to get canceled on murdering an entire fraternity. Yeah. Or just getting the lines of, like, grip the butcher knife. Yes. And as I unscrew the bars that are supposed to safeguard their windows from the outside. I had a feeling i was doing something wrong but yeah i was in too deep at that point just a small handheld acetylene torch

as i melt the bars and make my way inside yes yeah it'd be tight the sororities around here have bars don't they yeah on the first floor not on the second out the preds not on the second think how many predators have been befuddled by that. Oh, my. You're like, yes, tonight's the night I'm going to rape and murder a whole sorority. Spotlight comes on while you're out front. Yeah, dude, all your weapons fall. Some dude on a Huffy's like, stop. Stop it. Punches you in the dick.

Stop. Rapist. There's just some, like, boy laying there. Like, what the fuck? And you're like, that was you. I'm out. I can't believe you did that. You got him down i might i might i mean i'm saying this right now this might not age well but i might retire to a small college town and sexually assault young men young men young men just young men just like this is for fucking male privilege

fucking just grab their dick and just not jerk it off like good. Just like hard eighth grade hand job. Just fucking pig. Just to let them know. Just as like a thing. Be like, look you fucking. You should have seen just the room, the mood in the room change. What?

When you released your plan. The sexually assault young men? Both heads hung over there. Both of them went. Everyone was so sad. When I of them went when i said men when i said men even that it was i mean it helped slightly i think it helped the guard dog popped up he was in on the bit but noah stayed it's because he's a college-age male true he's a target truly he's listening to wolves ask what's for dinner. He's a little sheep sitting there. I'm talking about strictly men.

Yeah. Men. Adult men. And in the name of establishing equality and femininity. Yes. In the name of shortening the wage gap. Yeah, just fucking... Just like to rip dicks.

Just taking a young drunk boy in my mouth and like, acknowledge his divine mother. He's 18, dude. He's acknowledge his divine mother he's 18 dude he's 18 yeah he's 18 you're allowed to sexually assault totally legal true there's nothing creepy about this there's a fucking reach around dude yeah but you could spawn a new superhero of a college youth oh it goes like truck stops get me in what he goes to truck stops and he's like this is for the patriarchy. And then just gets a train run on him. Oh, fuck. My plans backfire. All the boys are like, we got one.

We got one. There's one here. It's our dream. Ten dudes at the Vince Lombardi rest stop just running a train. Dude, they're like tow trucks. Dudes coming into the Sunoco for Gatorade coming back out sweaty just like yeah did you ever get an accident grab the stash yeah i'll take a five-hour energy drink in a uh what are these rhino pills oh fuck just doing a line on the counter they probably have pez dispensers dude it's just

rhinos fucking. I wonder, yeah, I bet those dudes just pop shit. Another college vigilante here. If I was driving like 24 hour, like 36 hour haul, and you're just in a rest stop, I wonder what these pills actually do. Take all of them. I'd be popping those. You'd have to.

Yeah. Yeah. Just be driving, just like. I'm so fucking hard. Oh, fuck. I fucked up. I fucked up. You got to call a physician. Where are you? It's like, I'm on fucking hard. Oh, fuck. I fucked up. I fucked up. You got to call a physician.

Where are you? It's like, I'm on I-80. That's how they map out the distance for the rest stops. It's the time a rhino takes to kick in. Oh, man. Truckers are the best. I love them. They're terrifying.

I love them, dude. i love them dude we might have to slide into the page yeah yeah yeah let's go you can probably should have slid on the page for all the probably about 20 minutes ago strangling and murdering women what are we at 121 i'm off dude as soon as i thought i was good at it um yeah it happens i had to stop yeah i was good there'd be times i'd be like are we at one hour right now i'd be like an hour 20 i'd be like fuck yeah i'm so gay i suck dude um guys this thursday friday and saturday i'll be at helium indianapolis please come to that me and b's actually the real show the real money is next next weekend, the 26th and 27th,

Auburn, Alabama. Tom Child. Headlining the crown of comedy, which I believe is in a strip mall in Alabama. Yes, dude. Let's get it. Dude, that's going to be tough. I mean, this is just one of those where everybody that was like, cancel culture is not real.

He's doing fine. They're exactly right. Come see me at a strip mall in Auburn, alabama y'all just crushing it dude just that's that's a university what nothing you'll be crushing it dude i might get invited to sorority after the show you think so they better hope not i'll be rolled damn tight in there uh april 15th 16th and 17th headlining helium buffalo oh Buffalo. You want to come to Helium Buffalo. And that's it for now. That's all I'm going to say.

Oh, actually, you know what? A lot of people will be interested in this. The 29th and 30th and the 1st of May. So the 29th and 30th of April, the 1st of May, Harrisburg Comedy Zone. Oh. Yeah, it's a big one. You're turning home. That's, yeah. What day Yeah, it's a big one. You're turning home. That's, yeah.

What day is that? I'm coming home. I'm coming home. Tell my dad. About time. Do they knock it off, dude? Please don't come. He's coming.

He will. I'm going to call him, like, Phil. It's MacGyver. We got to go. HBZ. HBZ. Yeah, Harrisburg Comedy Zone. Surprise, surprise. HBZZN. What? Harrisburg Comedy Zone I tried to Surprise surprise

What? I can't I can't make it Surprise surprise The king is back People are like Yo I'm just gonna get bombed

And Have fun Just come out and dress the people I will You'll just be like Basically on a balcony Just fucking Yes

My people I'm here I've returned If things do go bad I'm just gonna run for Mayor of Mechanicsburg. Dude, you would crush. Yeah. Such a good idea.

Hold rallies at the Grove. Come on, man. Get the people fired up. You would instantly win mayor. No problem. You think I'm a good mayoral candidate? Dude, I'd ban him for you, dude. You would be banning.

I'd be sloppy, Steve. We need to get him in an ice bath. This guy's retarded. God damn it. My campaign manager. Yeah, it'll be tough it's like don't worry i got a good idea for it i mean what is it it would be like you ever hear of throwing stars what dude it would play ninja weapons would play well if you got the podium and you're just like oh sorry yeah you guys are all coming here first order of business

what would the platform be yeah i mean dude you would come up and just be like you guys like tucker carlson right me too what are we gonna do about it yeah like yeah what the fuck yeah true the fuck it's crazy yeah be like yo you guys like tucker be like you guys worried about immigration i have a plan to stop immigration all around the world yeah let's stop all immigrants remember they'd be like holy shit we never even thought about that nobody's allowed to leave their fucking front yard yeah dude fuck this is awesome all right yeah dude mass you do yeah you just go out there deny coronavirus instantly win you could do it like five mechanics because half gay It's a battleground.

It's a purple county now. A purple town, dude. It's gay now. But if you did it 10 years from now? 10 years from now, it's going to be very liberal. They're building all these nice townhouses.

True. It's going to be packed with... Pussies. The pussies. Yeah. You can get them. I'll rally the puss. Yeah.

You could stage some sort of horrible stuff that happens. What would be the name of the party can't be republican uh it's gonna have to be republican you're gonna ride with the elephant i'd have to be right you'll be winning call it trump's people's party true i'm starting the party that trump should have started i think he might uh he said he's not gonna start one apparently but yeah dude i mean look we'll we'll keep that in our back pocket yeah that's something we should plan on just local power yeah just fucking take over municipality funny if this got back to whoever the mayor of mechanicsburg is he's like oh fuck there's a new rival i've been in the incumbent for 30 years dude you can start just like greasing up like paving contracts and shit

like yeah you think you're building a park well you, you're not. Nah, bro. Nah, Spud and Billy are. Just give it to my boys. Start a war with Camp Hill. Let my boys rebuild it. Damn. Full Dick Cheney. Yeah, man. That'd be tight. All right.

We got to switch over to- Oh, also, Stoner Dads is coming out. Nice. When? Tomorrow. Oh, shit. I'm excited to see it. The work you've put into it's been pretty cool.

It's going to be tight. Yeah. It's going to be tight. Stoner Dads tomorrow. It's a long one. It's a long one. It's a long one. Perfect. So it'll be good.

That'll be out tomorrow night, 8 p.m. All right. What's the channel? Stoner Dads on YouTube. Okay, sick. With a Z. Stoner Dads. With a Z?

Yeah. Dads. Yeah. With a Z. Check that out. And join our Patreon so you can watch more of this. Yeah. We're out of everything to talk about. We're jumping in. Check that out and join our Patreon so you can watch more of this. Yeah.

We're out of everything to talk about. We're jumping in. Yeah. Now we're jumping into another fresh fucking episode.