Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 342- The King Returns

Episode Date: April 9, 2021

We are pleased to announce ... THE KING HATH RETURNED. Steve Gerben joins the cast after some time in solitude for a good old time with the D.A.W.G.Z. What a glorious return indeed. Support the D.A.W.G.Z. @ https://www.patreon.com/MSsecretpod  

Oh, oh, we finally got him, dude. We snatched the elusive Garbles, dude. Very elusive. Unbelievable Give us he's there giving us a New York They should come down here. It's just very elusive Like it's something happened and then suddenly he was very elusive. Yeah, are you sick fuck? Are you really gonna say that? Hey, hold on. Hold on. I was thinking about this on the way here And I literally told us I was like Steve just calmed down But hang on cuz it was the last one that I was on say anything

How are his levels Gardini through the roof We'll do we're not redoing it. All right, we'll scream just talk like a man. I'll back up and then I'll scream I don't mean it. I don't mean to tone police No, I agree I've defended you the whole time any time I read a comment that was like Gerbin turned his back on the No, it was cuz you're fucked up and cove it. Thank you. Yeah, it was just cuz you got fucked up, you know Yeah, and then it turns out you're not fucked up. Yeah, what's going on? It was a arthritis stuff that just the medication I was on stop working so then we tried different medications and they used to not work So that kills your everything and then cove it. Yeah, we had a sad Gerbs for a while and then depression

Yeah, we are locked up good. Yeah, but now he's back. What a bit of hair toss the hair out, dude What was You went into hiding and just took The last time I was on I was talking about putting Rogaine on my face Yeah, so I shaved my head because like I must have been terrifying See you at night walking around. It's not a good was that you was at the darkest hour in the middle of COVID with the shaved head. I Don't think so. I think it was more recently actually. Why I Know we can get in all that but it's sure I loved him. Well, no, but it's not to hear about your darkest hour

No, I know it's not funny to you, but trust me. It is funny This is a cool tiger woods hat. You are a lot like target. Thanks. I got that cuz I'm kind of headed under armor hat It's a total pussyhound If I had the opportunity yes I Banned from Baskin Robbins, dude being from Baskin Robbins. I was took someone down from friend. Was it friendlies? I think it was a No, it was similar to a friendlies. It was like a Baskin Robbins or a TGI. He like took down Perkins at Perkins. He had a Perkins waitress. He was yeah, I mean found out and then she took her tampon out

definitely Skiy little journalist ran over and collected the table about that. Yeah, what do you think of journalists? Collectively they're an important check on power You should get punched in the belly for that. It's a reasonable comment. It's a reasonable comment to say about Tucker I don't watch enough Tucker. I did see the John Oliver thing on him pretty brutal Really unwatchable. Yeah, John. I was pretty gay. It's like it almost made me do the opposite of the thing Yeah, John Oliver was trying to do try to hate him Yeah, cuz it's just like I mean you already covered it, but it basically is like

Tucker Carlson you wop lop lop lop. There's the joke and then do moldy piece of wonder bread Tucker It's like every single time. Yeah, yeah, they whoever writes for him wrote like must have watched roast battles four years ago That's how you start a sentence You know what I mean before you tell your joke. You're like you'd say something. Yeah, you pedophile Yeah, yeah, and it's all one note. It's just like Yeah, there's the worst is the one joke. He only does which is like no Sharon. You can't take that You cannot do that. Okay Now like I mean that's it every single time. Anyway, yeah, man

He had that one and I don't remember exactly what he said on that but Cuz the move that he was accusing Tucker of making which I guess Tucker does make is there it's like what does that mean? What is white supremacy even mean and so then John Oliver defines it? We're the best oh, I'm sorry Yeah, I watched him recently talk about the vaccine and how vaccinated people still have to wear the mask I had to turn it off because he was getting just killing me dude. He was fine. They're being like, yeah Why do we have Oliver? No, no, no Tucker was watching talking about a thing. He was like, and if the vaccines work Why do I have to wear a mask still? Yeah, what are you doing? It dude? I was sitting there. It's like

Yeah, that's gonna hit you with some fucking points. Yeah, dude. He hit me. I was like shut it down I watch him just I mean full mind controller my dad nightly You have to turn it off He will fire you up. Yeah, it's a quirk orange my dad says It's either Maddow will have you be like Tucker will be have you be like God damn. This is bull shit. I'm getting the raw deal the fucking bullying Ted Cruz about not wearing a mask He's a ho ass though. Was it it might have been Rubio? He's a ho ass

Cool now, they're cool. Anybody that Trump murdered and bodied yeah, that's true gone dude I don't want to hear you. How is there not another person who can come out and just like Trump again like the one guy tried it. There was that one senator from Florida who's like I'll step on your fucking head with golf cleats and everything like I Was more funny so German yeah You've been in hiding. Oh, yeah The only thing I just said I just wanted to finish the thought on that though Cuz then Oliver comes off of that comment when then he defines white supremacy

In a way that if I remember I only heard it once I was like what? What was his definition? I forget so I'm an ass link to the Attacking something I don't even remember forget it. Okay. Well So you shaved your head you were walking around your apartment with your cat. Yeah, you've been sad for a year straight Yeah, doing nothing take us there. Well, how did you feel in that moment horrible? What was going on? Did you think about coming? Did I think about coming? Well while you were lurking around in your dark apartment? Were you just like A real Count Dracula vibe

No What are you thinking about? Just like it's it's a good question. I don't know wanting to be obliterated Yeah Did you think about suicide at all? Yeah, but I don't have the I don't have the temperament to do it Yeah, you got to be real gung-ho. Yeah, dude. I thought about it yesterday. Yeah, I was just fuming I've been fuming for 12 hours. I'm sure and at one point. I was like I don't even feel like dealing with any of this Yeah, very nice to just Everything's gone

Yeah, like you don't even know you existed There is no sad I kind of want a violent impact Yeah, I don't I don't want like that's like the What was the? Walking dead where they're in like the CDC and they're like this flame will blow up so fast It's like you won't even feel anything I want to like fall when I get in my moods when I can't even I want to kill myself It's just one way you just want to break my neck fucking face. I just want to follow me something to break

That's how I felt today. I woke up. I was like, it's just one of those days. You're just one of those days My eyes today was just Dude, I'm so angry Gerbin walked in. I'm sorry to cut you off. Sure, please. I agree though But violently dying quickly is the way Like a painless dirt Gerbin walks in first I'm fuming about Gerbin's schedule here. Yeah fuming about oh, yeah the timetable is that he's I mean whatever whatever You're totally fine. It's like a CEO Gerbin's gonna take off at exactly 1 p.m. Yeah, that's it. I have to go time anyway regardless regardless

You're not totally wrong on that. We agreed on that time He walks in he walks in we've been in there. We've been in this house for maybe five minutes. Yeah, he walks He's like, it's dark in here. You just sitting in the dark turn the lights off And I was instantly I'm already fuming. Oh, I'm fuming dude Yeah, he walks in and hits me with that then what was it then he starts talking and I had the volume because I couldn't find Billy's remote So I was using a screen monitor screen mirroring. Yeah on my phone So I was like trying to adjust the volume on this video. We were watching he's like, could you turn it down and Then I started to try to turn it down and literally four seconds after he goes. Could you please turn it down?

I mean insanity and then I was like, I'm doing that and he was like, oh jeez I Mean he came in with pure lady energy like it's dark turn the lights on I'm in the dark because I'm fuming exactly. I don't fume in the light One of the reasons why I don't do this podcast that often is because I I I want to have a good performance I view this as performance of a good radio. I'm coming in here high energy. Yeah, you are I walk into a space It's dark. It was just and then and then I I'm being conscientious I'm like meeting one of his friends that I you know, so I'm just talking and I hear it loud

No, and Shane when it was loud. I felt like he was turning it up on me Trying to turn it down before you even asked it the first time I was trying to turn it down I didn't give him a lady. I gave him dad energy. I was like, can you turn it down? Oh? Your dad eat him. He's like, no Oh No, all right slide over towards Shane just a little bit try to get like right next to him get over here About Gerbyn's fine. I had a tough day I had a hotel reservation this morning with and I did it through Expedia now. This is on me

I scheduled it for a week later next week So I called the hotel and I was like can I get an early check-in and they were like your reservations through Expedia? Yeah, so I got a call Expedia. They didn't answer for an hour and a half. I was on fucking hold. I took a shower That's how long this I put it on speaker and put it on my sink and took a shower Because I had to check out of my Airbnb at 11, which was a rush Yeah, you want didn't get through with Expedia. I was in New York last. I mean look. I'm fuming. Yeah, dude Give me something to break. I pack a chainsaw, dude. I'll rip your ass. We're all I would rip your ass Yes, and then this one comes in he's like watch it dark in here turn light. I was just like dude

He ripped my ass. We're all I'd like to rip his ass raw. I haven't got a chance. I contact Expedia's just dial Expedia's call waiting is Like trolling songs. What are they playing? They played Rick Astley. They played never gonna give you Like literally they Rick rolled you while I was waiting for an hour and a half. Oh Now I gave up at 50 minutes I turned it off I couldn't and they played hello from the other side by Adele Which is one of the lyrics is like I must have called a thousand Oh, I mean they think it's funny. It's just having fun. It's fucking with you

Oh My god, and then so I just bought a different reservation I just bought it because I would rather spend $400 on a nice room did not call then it have to talk than any of them And then there's a app that just disconnects whenever a actual person gets on like you you do the whole like a online advisor or whatever to try to Change your reservation. So it's like automated at first and then it's like one moment We'll connect you with someone as soon as someone connects it disconnects

Boys dude, you got you're living that stick in a bandana life something's wrong right now You're a rambling man. That's another thing that sucks right now. I've been I My car is just filled with clothing. Yeah, it's a bit. It's a shitty time You're assistant coach from last chance you I really am he's got the fucking shirts in the back And I got a deal with guff From a guy who's supposed to be a friend. I got guff. I am a friend I had a we laid out a schedule schedules are good. All right now. I'm done Yeah, belly aching dude. I had it was funny. I had the opposite. I today. I was like I came home

I my babysitter crapped out just crapped on me really whatever happens, you know, but the So I'm sitting down like running around doing all this shit. I get a text Gerber calls me. He's like hey I'm outside now. It's 11. I'm like what the fuck. I had it was that moment I could have instantly broke down in spaz and I just went Totally fine. Yeah, I've been on and I could have fumed. I was fuming Gerben. I texted Gerben this morning and it was while I was Expediting mm-hmm, and I was like How's how's 12 you just responded 11?

We agreed upon 11, but what's funny is it's not a fuck is wrong with you. What the fuck is wrong? Just say like oh shit. I can't do 12. I am sorry. I can only do 11 That's how I would respond you say we agreed upon it This is the deal we made and I'm gonna show up at this time. What a psycho way to talk It's not a psycho. What a psycho thing to do when you agree to a plan It's not psycho It's not like if you would have just been like I can't I can't I'm sorry I'd be like totally understand my bet that's that but instead it's no this is what we have a contract

We agreed on this otherwise. I'm not doing it. Oh just writes 12 not hey I know we agreed on this. Could you if the type of psycho that's on call waiting with Expedia You say that listening to fucking I apologize. I know you got a work schedule. I got a work schedule Can you can you is there a way on your phone to get music while you talk to somebody? You know not like a ring back to me like that soothing like Asian music I said 12 at Billy's and then the address. He said 11. I said, okay It's an okay tough guy. Thanks for that. It's not tough guy. It's what we agreed on Exclamation point. Yeah, and then I said tough as nails

And then I said Then he said lol, so I mean it was friendly, but you are being tough as nails. I don't know He's got a new flow. It's the game and I know do you want to talk about other things that's been going on? It's the game The funniest thing is as soon as I like immediately I realized this today whenever I encounter some sort of conflict where it's like Like today, I was like I was like I saw a girl And I was like I'm just finding out about this in my brain instantly I like instantly got pissed at Brittany for some reason. I'm like she's at fucking work Yeah, get mad at everyone. I can't I'm like just fucking she's at fucking work

I didn't see a text. Oh, yeah, but it doesn't matter the funny part was then I'm more importantly It's his wife's fault. Yeah, exactly the funniest part was I was like, and I'm just fine. I checked the text It was like 9 a.m. I'm like my phone was on silent. I was I did my brain instantly I always catch it just instantly blaming as many people as possible. Yeah, so fucking funny. Well, that's human She said I started the fume and I fucking fire high. I was just like I put the extinguisher on I said look Oh, yeah, the funny part was all I had to do is make one phone call I'm like, hey, can you watch her like 11 30 instead of 12 and then it was no issue But instead of that I was like, she's at fucking work. I'm doing fucking everything right now. It's so funny

I it was I was on call waiting screaming at call waiting screaming at music in my bed Screaming and then it was one of those now. This is me being very truthful and honest You ever get so frustrated. You feel like you want to cry. Oh, yeah It was just that and I was just like what the fuck is wrong with me Like then that was another problem where I was like, how is this just killing my whole day? Yeah, and then just spazzing Yeah, can we talk about this word? You know that viral it was like one of the first memes of like a kid try He was sent to his room or something so he starts flopping around on his bed like sticks

Sticks up his bare ass I think somebody turned his game off. Yeah But he just kind of puts it for a second against his right. Yeah Trying to stimulate the nerve. I mean, I'm fully break stuff right you need to put something up your ass, dude. It's so angry Yeah, but just to clarify. I you know, it's just day job and yeah tough his nails I heard that how's the day job going? I mean, it's busy. It's you know, it's for my brother and you know, he Never try to take you ever think about taking his entire operation. No, I can't know having him absolutely

Oh, no, exactly. Yeah, just terrible with organization and that's like a big part of really seem pretty strict on schedules This back-end thing and it's you know, there's other people if you were to take him down. How would you go about it? Yeah Crumble the Empire you couldn't you're saying he's totally unassailable. You couldn't go there There's nothing you could do to maybe even put like a just slice just one cut on the on the like this Like the column could you just put a tiny little slice never confessed anything secretly to you? No, he's a very straight narrow person Right. Yeah, I mean about inventing some sort of skin. Yeah, why don't you just falsely accuse him of something? No, I mean

There's those types of thoughts tonight What about dirty talk? Hold on so take us back to the time. It's the middle of pandemic and you want to kill yourself. Yes. Yeah, so do all of it We all wanted to go because I'm thinking it though. Go ahead, please because the you know how Break stuff. Yep, cuz my when I would jog my song was nookie and I would think about you would jog to nookie Yeah, yeah, that's it. That hat's dirt as fuck, dude Well, cuz I told you I didn't do this I talked about on stage a little bit, but like I fantasize about

Beating up terrorists and like saving children from a bus. No doubt You don't do that a little Warburg in you. I guess. Yeah. Oh for sure. So I got every time I get near the school I'm just like I genuinely want someone to fall in so I could jump in and rescue them Yeah, cold water and just be like, that's nothing. I had to do it. You know what you're saying to the media. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah So then I'd love for a terrorist to just lay you the fuck You thought of me when you thought of this this is weird listen No, yeah, you're you're stopping ISIS from attacks in your dream while you're jogging to no or now white supremacist be fair true Now it's more fair. Don't you know, that's right. I'm gonna update my you're gonna update your you know fantasy you got a

Check your white fantasy privilege, dude You need to stop like should just be tackling Matt true That's a white terrorist You know what? White terrorist thing. It's like why I got wise. I'll be one touch that but go ahead. Oh, okay. No, no, of course The well Kyle Rittenhouse, right? Yeah, when he was shooting people and the guy was well the person was running ahead or whatever it is I somebody articulated that where you could imagine a scenario where so Kyle Rittenhouse thinks he's defending himself Yeah, but then the person attacking him thinks that he is stopping a mass shooting

Sure, so it's like they're both confused as to what's going on in the moment And that that's you know, that would that was wise innocent Well, I don't know Sure, what if this is a guy that's just like out there to protect. Yeah, you could end up just Goldberg spearing just a different Arab You like terrorist attack just attack whale on an Arab man In this they they have AK's, you know, there's no there's no really Speaking up from behind. No, how you stopping in an Arab gentleman or a white supremacist

Street station if you were in Paris, you would have stopped it. That's what you're saying. No, I don't know I have a blade would have just hit your neck and broke and you're like Listen you fucking terrorists now you pissed me off. I was gonna take it easy on you Who do you think we win ISIS or the KKK That's a great question. I have no it depends on how many and I guess it's very Well, I'll say four on four four on you pick the scenario though Are these KKK wearing their robes? Yeah, but they got the hoods down the hoods are down So they're not I like that. I like the way that looks hose it down

It really depends on it's like what weapons are they? Mace yeah, not the spray but literally medieval And it's like dodgeball you got to run and grab one in the middle and then start yeah, okay Depends on who's got better training BJJ training, I suppose Yeah, I don't know do they do mixed martial arts in the uh, I mean do rednecks to you know, I think they do Some of them. Yeah, but also those dudes in the Taliban They might be up there doing some combat. They're like like Greco Roman wrestling. Yeah, they like definitely Biblical wrestling for yeah, exactly

Yeah Definitely, I think the Taliban sent a message to Joe Biden recently. Yeah, it was like yo, we're chill. Yo knocking the fuck Yeah, basically like fuck off dude. I think he basically I think they called him out being like yo fuck off get out of my face How do you feel about you pretty stoked on Biden back to normalcy you voted for him, right? I did vote for him. Yeah, yeah, really How you've been feeling about his performance so far. I have been paying attention. Yeah, yeah Decided to not pay attention anymore. Nice. Just get the vote in yeah, well cuz turn off. Yeah, nice So seems like a good political strategy Zero accountability, that's what I like true Democrats. Yeah. Oh my side wand and now we're done talking about it

The good guys are in so we don't even have to worry about I'm not saying I'm an angel. I know you're not you're dirty boy You're not an angel Part of the fantasy hold on. I'm no angel. Yeah, sorry. Sorry, babe. Can we talk for one second? No, we can't we cannot not yet All right, but you told me something that happened a long time ago a different experience, but I wanted to talk about it slightly Very long time Just dirty talking. Yeah, and I was wondering what type of things you would say. Oh No, but this was a long time ago

I This is not something that happened recent this is happening this happened years ago. Now you said no I won't I won't cuz I don't want to ruin anything for you. Yeah, legitimately, but If Shane were you come on you wouldn't do it if Shane were to I don't dirty talk What would you tell him to say if say he was yeah, let's say I was lying down. You were fingering me Okay, what would you what type of thing would you tell me? Pretend I'm a lady. Yeah, pretend I'm a lady with a nice pussy. Okay. What would you say? No, what type of thing?

What I don't know Yeah, what would you say? I mean, it really depends. I'd have to size up what you you know, there's a lot of like just tell me what you said dirty Everybody the type of things you're saying. No, I was saying no, that's I will address that at some point But you know, I we had a pre thing to see this is the if you This was the idea of a pre Podcast discussion. Yeah, not sure I didn't understand if I was listening to this podcast

I would be like just say it right sure because now I did put you in a bad spot. I apologize. I'm the german's didn't really specifically ask but it was kind of a known thing don't bring this up, but That being said, I was bringing up something that happened years ago Yeah, he told me one time he talked dirty years ago and he was and I was I've always been a dirty talker I don't know what type of things do you say what it depends on the woman? Okay, what anyone just pick one that you remember that a woman a woman who was a terrorist But you saved her and she saw that her wicked ways and was like, oh man, I got to stay with this guy then But she still loves she still wants to kind of murder all the Jews

Out of the whole the juice she still does But she also loves you guys. Yeah, also. She also loves you because you saved her from that bomb Yeah, they were blown. They had a fake lunch truck and but it was a bomb. Yeah, you were like, man get down Carry her off and then it's exploded over your back. You're carrying her like like almost like a baby like this but then your thumb just Slit right up and it's penetrated and then she went And then you look down and you like do you like that and then then you get into it and she's like And you keep going

What type of thing would you I would I mean this may come as a shocker politics doesn't make it into my dirty talk I mean, what I'm saying while you're fingering a woman. Yeah type of thing. Would you say just in general? Talk about I would talk about What it sounded like I would talk about what it felt like do you talk about the sound that the vagina was? Yeah, and I say that I love it because I do what type of sound does it make what type of sound does it make? No, I'm just sit. Do you hear that? Yeah, it's pretty hot listen your pussy you see listen. I'm making a pussy whistle right now I'm gonna punch your pussy. Yeah, fucking you ever start getting me

Yeah Yeah, I haven't but I you know that is something that I would be very interested in exploring with the right partner true Because they have you being a dumb. Yes So going back to the terrorists you rescued. Yes at what point would you like say you say you picked up on the fact that she Did like some like light pussy torture pussy punishment. Yes, what is that? Just some slaps Herself yeah, just slapping her would you would slap her? She won't of course. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, but you're a dumb So she's not gonna go she's so so she's not gonna go ahead and ask for it So how are you gonna figure out that she wants you to just absolutely spank her vagina? Oh, I got you. Yeah

Yeah, I would start with like asking I'd be like tell me what you like and then if she if she was like, you know shy I'm a sub dude I'm just like Yeah, and then you just slowly start to do things so you know Test the water with little hand on the throat and then she'll let you know if she enjoys You could make fun of my hands all you want All right fine Then that's so hot dude you with a I'm just picturing like the call of duty

But don't I mean when you're very it's like if she just shoving those fucking scraggle claws and Mits getting in you it's it's unfortunate. I would like to have two usable fingers. I don't you have one So this is how you finger. Yeah, now you don't want to toss the other gang in You don't you don't want it. No, no, you want to go just one finger all the time. So then when you bust out the day Yeah, she's like oh fingers is like one and a half fingers To is like yeah, we're pushing it. Yes pushing in a limit. Yeah, three. You better call your boy Yeah, better call one of your boys to come double pen

You got a hog. Oh, yeah. No, I do not. I've been fortunate penis. I Not what I why is it always gonna be sex with you? Oh It's just every time we have a monitor it's like pussy this and come that it's like I did Was confused You'll get So nice to have you I know it's nice to have you back. I saw that what that was in case that nobody has seen it before Billy Yeah, it's a flinch and it's on YouTube and it's so funny

Yeah, and it's fun because when they when I heard about it I had to look it up and I expected this like massive flinch and it's literally changes go up like this Yeah, and then everybody dying well, that's cuz I'm surrounded by jackals I Love to see me. That's why I'm not paintballing. I can't paintball. You have to do I'm gonna go out and paintball with the jackals get a cup all the hyenas get a cop dude I didn't even think about getting shot in the dick. I didn't But now that you mention it, I'm definitely not going I'll be shot in the dick

I can't you get a cup lay on your bed or just lay on your belly and snipe I can't I can't do this dude, man You have you must gonna fucking do it, but it's so much fun I do you understand how unfun this is gonna be no to me a blast all of our dickhead friends know that I don't want to do it They all know how funny it would be to shoot me the whole time and that and then that puts me in a position I'm like, I don't even care you guys are fucking have you seen splatter combat before no you've never seen splatter combat No, dude, I've been there before brother. I've been I've been in splatter combat You get so fogged up and people aren't gonna be able to tell who you are

No one's gonna be able to differentiate like a small course with like inflatable things that you run around I think if it's the one I'm thinking of it's got some like wooden structures a couple open fields with like trenches and shit It's sick. Actually, I like that. I'm big trench warfare. It's pretty tight. I'm anywhere. I'm nice and stationary I'm alright with this. Yeah, this the one if it's the same place. I'm thinking of there is one They're not like dug out, but they're like these hills that kind of like this or you're just like in a hill you pop up Dude, it's pretty fun. Okay, there's like you can take them You could take a fort you can just like chill by a window. It's fucking light people up. It's fucking so fun You get hit and it stings, but the only thing you gotta watch out for is friendly fire

I might get a Pat Tillman jersey I might wear it out there cuz I guarantee I'm gonna get if we're all the same team There's no doubt. No, no, you'll shoot. I would never do it. You will in a second brother. I've been shot before brother No, I know I would turn on anybody cousin fucking put it my point blanked my ass dude at paintball And I'll never do that. So I would do this to anybody else. What would be done to me? I would do that. I'm just not I'm gonna raise no fool I'm not gonna go out there and put myself in a position to be clowned upon And then have to go back to the house if our whole team turns on each other on itself

Of course it will Our whole team will do that. No way dude. We're gonna be tight as hell No, we're gonna be tight dude. They'll band of brothers. We are band of brothers, dude I don't think I think we'll be able to if we go up against one of other people It's gonna be so funny if we go up against another group. We will fight them I will say there's enough guys in our group that are true Psycho's dude. I just heard a story about I won't say who but one of my cousins Someone told me a story about the time he he tried to like steal pizza from Domino's

And he was he was just drunk. He was blacked out and it was so fucking funny He was at a party at uh at his college and like, you know A bunch of other people were there and they were they didn't realize he was so drunk They ordered like four pizzas and he was like I'm gonna go get them So he just like walked over there all fucked up and it was him and some other dude and they walked in and the guy was like That'll be you know 60 whatever and like he didn't realize but my cousin had brought in a huge fucking glob of snow The guy asked for the money Four pizzas ran outside and just slid on the ice and it was he was he was just out

He was just laying there on his side with pizza. You know, whatever got the pizzas They just fell and they're all over the sidewalk and the guy came out like what the fuck what my cousin got up He's like, I'll fucking kill you That's gonna be fighting by your side that's who's gonna be on my team Yeah, dude, and having your back. I made the mistake of telling everyone how much I didn't feel like doing this So the only thing that's gonna happen is people gonna try to make me have a worse time. I Understand the exact situation because I would be delighted To do this to somebody. It's all in your head dude. It's not I went and assembled. I've wielded. I did resemble a team

I am kind of like a demo guy Just by like 20 paint. We got like a thick cigar short cigar hanging out There's blast. Yeah, I don't know I it's a game-time decision for me Now I have also considered the other option which is staying at the house by myself nice arguably the gayest That's the fattest Camp it is the fattest move It's tough I'm torn here, but then again the other fattest Oh, you're talking about showing at the house like oh, I wouldn't even go. Yes, you're like we're going paintball and typically I'd be like that sounds gay I

Can't think of anything. I'd rather do less but people and fight with your brothers, dude I'm not gonna fight alongside my brothers. I'm gonna be friendly fired upon. No, you're not you're gonna be the general in the back Dude, you're gonna make this. I mean, I do have some less point training. I'm the only one that is an actual trained officer, but Do we fucking need your strategy? I'm having a fantasy right now. Yeah Shane and I like being a cahoots of that like I'm there sniping. I've got his back Is there anybody the friendly fires on you? I shoot them. I would throw you to them In all Harvey, I would take any deal I would say take him not I'd go for the illegal headshot for sure if I found your sniper

I'm going for the legal head Well, that's the last I ever tried to defend you man. If you know, no, I'm just being truthful with you I would if if you were the one defending me again, would you shine your mirror and giveaways location? Oh, I would literally I'd throw him on the ground throw him out of the trench I'd throw him over the top. You wouldn't even know where I was till the first shot because I'd you know Point train, you know exactly That's where the shot came from No, your eyes you just fogged up the entire time. No, I will say shooting Beezer is gonna be so fucking

Yeah, dude It'll be fun. There's a lot of guys that would be very funny to friendly fire Yeah, and I'm definitely number one on the list because I'll definitely be like This sucks. I told you this was gonna suck to keep getting shot Knock it off I don't even care Just flipping your mask Yeah, I'm already fuming today. I'm fucked up. I'm fucked up. I'm fuming already. I'd cry

I'm I may I would cry if you hit. Yeah, it just stings. It doesn't hurt that bad And it's things people were doing that and like everybody laughing and just shooting me there was a couple people I got it. This was the end of me. Obviously. I only friendly. I only friendly fired. I'll be honest I friendly fired it. I was on like a CIO trip. I friendly fired like three times me my cousin So funny, I know who I'm with your chances of hitting your chances of hitting them are very fucking low The paintballs shoot and they like curve. Yeah, so dude, I would sit there And you're just fucking in the brush, dude, they don't even know Psychopath, yeah

Just some dude, it's like a like a sixth grade basketball coach. You're just like That's where six men Yeah, and then and then we'll just all go back to a Cabin and just with like nine dudes sit there. Oh, it's gonna be so fun It's gonna be so fun. Yeah, dude. I'm dude. I cannot wait. I mean, I'm gonna get you some pain grenades, dude Imagine tossing some of the lesson you want to do I will literally walk bar I'll friendly fire a whole fucking team if you guys want to shoot if they want to play games. Oh

I want to go get I want to rent the most souped up crazy thing like a automatically I'm gonna get a fucked up setup. I'm gonna drop like $500 on paintball. I have if I do it I have yeah, I have no problem. I will spend $1,000 the hardest Fucking shit possible and just well I've thought about like seeing if I could rent something like really fucked up from dicks Just having like an extra feeder and it's bringing so many paintballs. Yeah, so I'm gonna have a lot of ammunition That's the that's the struggle when you're out there. The ammunition dries up. You start being like, yeah, I got to pick my shots

You're down. You're down that fox hole and you're like, oh shit. She get a gopro put it on patreon I'm definitely not going to be swear to god I'm out To go pros in my trunk right now You don't want them to get fired on I don't need the last thing you guys wanted his bodycams Hands up not resisting Whatever you shot three times to pay grenades There's gonna be a riot when I get back to the house. There's gonna be some protests Oh, yeah, there I will protest hardest

The bachelor party I'm fuming fuck dude, you might go full antifa We'll see Just get like just go by after this go by like black block antifa gear and just fucking stop fascism I'm thinking about stopping fascism. Just you should try my man. You're you like antifa. Don't you know what? You're like a guy that's like well, I like gritty. I Know what you like gritty the Philadelphia Flyers mascot. You think he's a good symbol for beating up Nazi I don't what I don't want to I I don't when have I ever said I like gritty He's assuming I do assume when have I ever said I'm a you've been having sex lately

You said it like an antifa person antifa I Called I'm not like antifa. Have you ever put on the gear and went out there? Of course not what? What Certain topics. We're not gonna touch Topics. No, no, we can't oh Are we talking here? Yeah kind of look have you had fun with it with the filming of the sketches? It's been so much fun. We filmed

Seven Seven sketches you guys guys in this room Yeah, everybody in this room. I'm not kidding. I don't I don't want to put you know Cardinis acting chops. I I knew they were gonna be good really. Yes I was a risk as they were like do we have anybody that could look like very young Yeah, I got a guy if he shaves his mustache a look 12. Did you shave your mustache? Yeah? Kind of look similar who you and Gardea. Yeah, and I mean that you're both like white males. Oh, okay What do you think?

No, I guess the camera loves me, baby nice Garbage you what are you gonna say? Wait, what'd you call it? I didn't call you. He said that you guys looked the same. No, I said we looked I'll take that. Yeah, we look the same. Maybe we're related That's what's up. Yeah I'll tell you what I knew Gardea. He was gonna be a good call me. Did you like that son?

Gardea played great job Sean. Did you really? I'm excited to see it. Yeah, it was great Garby's just feet dude. How funny was that during the one the one sketch we can't even talk about it so secretive But just feeding Gerbin lines Gerbin just a machine you just have to say one word and he would just go so much fun Yeah, and you know, I was saying coming out I was really you know in the the depression thing and then John and Shane asked me to like go and just you know bat around some ideas. Yeah, that was the first time I had laughed like that in Yeah, really and I don't mean to put pressure on you because if you if you weren't funny

I'd still want to be your friend but like man, I mean, I was crying within like two minutes of being in the room with him Mm-hmm. I'm crying. Yeah It was just so nice and all this week, I mean, it's I can't thank you enough gets so tiring It's tight. He's doing crazy how change doing. It's pretty nuts. Actually an enormous amount Well, it's a and John is John. Yeah, but the John's doing He's fuming yeah, John's gonna be in like about to cry frustrated mode for like a month Yeah, he's gonna be fuming dude. I edit like 10 minute videos. It's just my face and I'm like My fucking thing we should I I was thinking about put trying to tie all that together's organizing all that

I was just like, yeah, you said he said he starts dreaming in editing Does he like after he's been editing for a while like all his dreams are like edited. I don't know sounds sounds lame But it's important. I can see that because that's it's immersive dude when you're there and you're chopping all the clips You're doing that stuff. It's like It's pretty nuts. Yeah, it's like when you see Tetris blocks when you close your eyes after you play Like call duty. Yep. Sometimes sometimes I get the porn Chess, what are we you don't get chess moves in your head after you've never played chess? Oh, I play checkers, dude. This is a checker's house

Yeah, I play chess and I just take the board by force as soon as I start to lose I just grip up my opponent and start play with the pieces. This piece looks cool. We'll play with the horse piece I play chess like that. Yeah, I just take it and I just push the other piece over you can't move And I'm like my fucking rules Star Wars chess. Yeah, it's like they're gonna fight But yeah, you guys are killing it John, I mean, yeah, yeah, it'll be fun. I'm excited to see how it comes out and Lot of come a lot of come talk perfect It's what the country needs right now this country needs to get drenched

Yeah, that's what I was saying like the so the first night I tried to think of ideas They were all just political. Yeah, and then John sent me an idea that had nothing to do with politics I was laughing and I was like, all right. So in my head I'm like Steve, you know, give them some other looks that aren't political and for 24 hours I was just trying to think like silly ideas and that was so I was like a weight lifted off. Yeah, you know Yeah, doing anything political is Extremely helpful. I think there's gonna be a huge amount of people that just want comedy like this You guys were talking about like Broski comedy like where's anything like that the bros have gone dude

The bros are in the darkness. We thought yeah, the pros are in a tough time Dude, they're in hiding for sure. Yeah, I was thinking about the girls today, too I was like driving and I was like, dude, like does anyone even getting pussy anymore? Yeah, what are girls even looking for now? You know what I mean? Yeah walking around Fucking do it dude waste your coffee. Okay, it's cool straw or just chase chase that longer down. He's a rubber That was like a rope What is this? Where'd you cop that rubber straw I ordered it off of Amazon

In the darkness with a shaved head that was part of your suicide kit getting a straw That was part of the suicide kid. He's gonna hook himself to the start turning things around Yeah, that thing hooked to it. He was like all right some sketch Yeah, I wouldn't I'm not I'm the same way I'm definitely not gonna kill myself But there's times I just get so confused about like I don't even know what I'm doing I'm like, yeah fall out the fucking window. Yeah, and I feel I'm sorry Go ahead. I said that was I died. No, I feel like what possible fucking impact am I gonna have and

You know part of me Just fine. You're fine. I'm not Nothing Fuck Irvin, you're the best so He wants me to be a bully. He does the same thing O'Connor does He goes you they try their Like constantly like what no, that's what are you gonna say their breath? That's breath correct? Brats are kind of like their edgy subs

They're gonna go to you and into like fully doming them in ways that you don't even want to do yeah, but they're gonna go to you Corrected you guys like it. I don't like it. Oh, wow. I hate it I wish we could just be regular friends. Well, that's weird. No, it's always got to be this whole What were you thinking Incredible I had to fight the fuck out of Chris yesterday. We beefed really. Yeah, I'm gonna be that's all man That's like when the fuming started what happened me and him just had an argument. What are you beefing on? if I even talk about it yeah, yeah, but Very silly call start out as that's always my favorite thing to this was in person

Okay, we're in there with the Beezer. It was me in the skis. We're just sitting there watching the Philly You're in the ski lodge. It's in the ski lodge. Yeah, and I Brought it up out of nowhere. Yeah, that a previous argument that he and I had had out of nowhere I was like six listen to this fucking Bullshit and as soon as I brought I mean, I was just fucking around like it was fun and then it ended up in like a screaming match Storm out. I'll tell you the argument and this is Can you guys do that? I'm gonna go get a tissue sure sure Chris is gonna be Represented poorly in this sure his argument would be that this is not true. Just so we're clear on that

This is how I saw it. So for a while now I've told Chris this great bit I have yeah that I'll never use on stage and never film. It's just a funny thing. Yeah, that if aliens landed and Then we talked to them and it turns out they only came here to take black people as slaves And we were all like you talked about on the cast. Yes talks about on podcast It all just leads to Trump talking to black people and be like you're going to space Yeah, I said don't take the blacks. They're taking the blacks. Yeah that so then when we were driving back from Indianapolis Like two three weeks ago. Chris was like, you know, I just thought of this. This is funny. What if aliens?

Landed and like we met them and they had slaves. Yeah, and I was like, yeah, that's like the thing I've told you like ten times, right? Yeah, it's like, you know, that's like the thing He's like, no, no, no, this is they have them. They're not like coming down to get them. Yeah, and I was like Yeah, that's the same thing It's like that's essentially the exact the assumption is they're taking black people as slaves and not just a party with them No, I've made it clear, okay The bit the clear the bit was clear that it was in in for slavery So we and and that we would be like, damn you guys use slaves. Yeah, okay. I got you

That's been implied. Sure and probably stated anyway So that was the beginning of the argument Chris presented his I said, you know, I've said that to you like six times This wasn't like you're stealing a bit because I've never used it. We're not gonna use it Sure, you know, I mean, he wasn't gonna use it. He was just making small talk. Yeah, and He wouldn't relent. He would say I just think they're totally different. Yeah, I just think they're structurally very different And I was like how yeah, so that was an argument for about an hour on the ride on the ride So then we get so then yesterday we're just sitting there and I was like six six who by the way was in the car for the first hour Sure, just not paying attention. He's playing. I was like, dude listen to how dumb this is and then it started an actual fight

Damn, yeah, if you guys made up. Yeah, he tried calling last night twice. That was as I assumed that was an apology Decline you declined it decline. Yeah, that was him saying so Well, I was in the car with Rainey and butterly. I didn't want to be on speaker crying. Yeah, I'm fine. Yeah, true You know, you guys got it, but That's what that that was the fuming got you that started you fuming I mean that and then it just went right into another drama that I'm dealing with then it went into You know, yeah a bunch of stuff then I get home. I drive I do two shows in New York come back do Go to sleep and the lady I've been sleeping with is a fucking night marriage. Yeah fights me at night

It's pretty hot. She rips the covers off me and I woke up freezing. She screams in the middle of the night She's out of her mind. She's waking up sweating gripping dog tags. Yes. Nice something happened to her. She's born identity Something happened Yeah, the other day I woke her up. Did I say this on here? No, I woke her up We watched a movie and she fell asleep and I like woke her up on the couch I was like wake up and she was like It was the scariest yeah moment of it was so scary. Yeah, Bernie's like a slime She's like she's a time bomb when she sleeps on she's a time bomb if I come in

I'm like because if I'm if I'm loud, it's just like if I'm quiet then it's like I'm sneaking up on her now And it's like true If I will come up while she's sleeping and she hears me. It's just like oh my god What is it? The girls they're dog. They're fucking weaker than everybody. They're scared all the time. How do you wake up? Well, so this is that's an unfortunate Comment that I got a jump on the back end because like I'm the one wakes up yelling and screaming. Yeah, apparently I sleep talk Yeah, I sleep talk. I'll chat. Oh, I apparently yell. I'm like cuz the shelves are And then it is a weird conversation to have to have it like putting on the sleep apnea mask like by the way

Sometimes I scream body murder my sleep and you have a sleep apnea mask. Yeah, yeah, you know that I Forgot some yeah, somehow I forgot that incredible detail. Yeah, I got a fat neck. That's nice Yeah, did you ever think about like tricking out that mask? No Flames put like a long wig on it that comes down to your You should just get a fighter pilot helmet That's basically what it is. Yeah, I'd be pretty sick. I'd be awesome This one is just a nasal cushion though. So it's like not that invasive. So it's just your just on your nose

I think I need it. Yeah, I mean obviously you can look at me and say yeah But like I think I need it anyway because there's been times where I've woken up like yeah Holy fuck was I not breathing? Yeah. Yeah, just get the test. Well, I'm not gonna ever do that I'm just gonna die in my sleep, which does it's gonna fall asleep all driving and go off a guard rail Yeah, well, that's not it has nothing to do with sleep apnea. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah What do you mean if your sleep apnea gets so bad you'll eventually start going into what's called micro sleep So you'll just be like and you'll notice it and then eventually just go that was a guy was telling you about who was on an excavator He had sleep apnea and he just drove it into a foundation really

He just why I didn't know that had anything to do with sleep Eventually you'll get so tired from your sleep because you're slowly sleep-depriving yourself When you sleep-deprive yourself You don't realize you're sleep-deprived if you're doing like little by little and you're just like man I'm tired, and you'll just go and pass out one day. Wow Yeah, pretty tight If I smoke weed too early before going like if I smoke weed like right before I go to bed I get I like wake up in those kind of like

Yeah, I don't know what the fuck it is about it It's weird. Hmm Joey Diaz is the same thing. He said he smokes weed too early Spass or two right before bedtime. It's like you wake up and you're like there's a feeling I know if I like lay down kind of still stoned. I'm like I Gotta say I gotta stay up and watch YouTube videos for an hour, and then I'll go to sleep pretty weird. Yeah Do you ever think about getting a his and Is it No, just put it on no, but that'd be hot has a woman been staying with you lately

It's very early stages. So there was just there was just one one day One day. Yeah, and now date number two. Hopefully hopefully. Yeah nice. Yeah. Oh, yeah, we had dated before Got you so flame. Yes. Yeah, so that's the best re-night with an old it really it really is great It's nice because there's like a degree of comfortability, but then also What have you learned? Well, what about myself? No Love languages, what what's your love language quality time nice quality time? and fucking

Is that part of quality no, but it's not even one it should be like six. What's a what do you mean? What's a love language? It's like the way you show different people show affection and receive affection in different ways Hmm, so some people are helpers your love language might be helping I don't think mine's anything Wait, I mean the idea there is that some people like fighting man, I were in a relationship Let's say and the way that I expressed love was through acts of service So like I would clean the kitchen walk the dogs, but that to him is just not a big deal So I'm doing what I think he should really appreciate and he's like because he needs quality time

He was to sit on the couch and talk or he wants me to cuddle him or something. That's touch. Yep So that's the general idea. I hate touch or diddle. Yeah, I do hate touch Diddling is my love Yeah I think that might be mine still grab it as constantly groping Yeah It's almost it. That's all I don't know if I do anything else Gardini, can you look at you look at the love languages so we get a comprehensive list?

But I think it is that it's quality time Sir, I think my love language my love language is acts of service verbal affirmation. I can do I say damn, bitch You find as hell Put your fat ass pussy bitch. That's good. Yeah I don't talk that way. Have you ever thought have ever thought of code switching urban during like dirty talk like code switching? like Yeah, suck that dick white bitch White bitch. Nah, I just just mixing it up. It's like a little role play nothing racial

Just like just it's like a purely a king thing. What do you I mean? You mean like oh girl Oh, oh, oh, I speak like what you do damn. My damn. Ah, yeah, you got lost up in here. What are you doing around these? Watch lost in the hood. No, I like it though. I like the sound of that That's so funny. That was although. I've got a sweet baby here and she's in the hood right now God forbid she goes outside and gets lost Although I doubt it would be very much uh Like love foreign. It would be poppy. No, she's we're in poppy land right now. They would treat her right. Yeah, there'd be a lot of whistles Poppy would treat her right. We treat her right feeder. I might have to give her to poppy

We might release her we might have to just present babes to poppy dude It's like pop. Yo pop Yo pop Bother this woman for a decade harass this woman for us Yeah, poppy land rules, dude. You found the love languages Yeah, I got the love languages. There's five. What are they? Words of affirmation quality time receiving gifts acts of service and physical touch

There you go six Fuck it. Fuck it. Damn. I think I'm fucked up. No, what do you think? I don't think I have many those love languages Well, how would you like for people? What would you like to receive? Oh, it's things I want to receive Is that what? Yeah, there were things you want to do. I don't really do much. Where's uh, where's total obedience? Yeah complete belief in me and submission and uh, but you know, don't talk and touch me true

It's not bad. Yes, that's pretty don't cause a fucking scene Yeah, if you cause a scene, I'm grabbing the back of your arm. Oh big. If you want touch. That's how you get it True. I guess the love cause a scene. I said, what are you doing in here? Conscientious. Do you ever get physical with women? No Conscientiousness. I find to be a very attractive quality conscientious. Yeah, like somebody that would like be good like walking in meeting people That is is like concerned about somebody else. Yeah, that nothing drives me more nuts when someone is not that. Yeah I mean We had one one friend brought a lady to hang out with us one of the least conscientious

Things I've ever seen in my life. What happened. She was new to the group. He brought his Girlfriend. She came in we all were like, what do you do? How are you? Everybody made an effort. Yeah, everyone's trying to ask questions. No, nothing reciprocated at all Just answered like this is what I do. This is where I live It was yeah, I was it'd be very attractive really instantly fuming I was like, bitch ask somebody else a question. Should have crack corrected her Dude, there's people who it's just not obvious how to handle those situations. There's people who are just completely socially illiterate Yeah, I would say I fall on like the 40th percentile of social literacy

Or I'll just I'll just run out of shit to say and be like Yeah, but if someone if you were new I just panic immediately I hear you But if you were new at a party if you walked into a party and people were asking you questions Oh, yeah, I just did this you'd be like, well, what do you do? Like you would Say it back. There was an old lady. He was like, what do you do? And I was like, I do. I'm a comedian. She was like What uh, oh my god, what was your podcast about? And I was like, we had just recorded the episode about murdering women So I'm gonna listen on our way back and I was just like, yeah, don't

So sweet old lady, but yeah, usually I'll have that talk and then I'll be like, well, you know Then I'll realize I'm talking about myself for like 10 minutes. I'm like, fuck. I haven't asked them anything about themselves And I was like, what are you doing? They'll start to talk about. I'm like, oh, yeah. Well, anyway, I'll talk about myself more I'm more important I have to go soon, but uh, maybe next time Because I I did want to talk because I just moved out like out of the city Yeah, and I did have some pretty like, I don't know crazy experience with the squatter I don't know if it's funny or not, but it was kind of interesting. You get a squatter. There was a squatter across from me

Did you fuck him? Haha, why are you assuming gender? Do you want to get into all this? Boy, there was a female squatter. Yeah, I'm fine. You're a squatress. Oh, okay You're a squatress? Yeah, well, she had then then she had like Okay, I got 10 minutes Then she had guys just like coming coming in the place. Oh, so This was before how many uh, there was there was three other dudes

I just want to see if you counted she was lost in the hook. There was one guy. No, she was not. She let me know that because Basically, there was one guy We heard a commotion going on and Me and my cousin Even your cousin. Yeah, so you heard a commotion. There was some rough house and going on across the street Yeah, and you fucking yep. Well, no, I fired up the security camera Yes, and uh Yeah, Gerbie's gentrified a neighborhood and

And the neighborhood the neighborhood had their way with Gerbie's got lost in the hood Big time, you know that shooting that happened in brewery town of that. That was my neighbors. I like yeah Fuck so anyway, we hear this commotion. She is ripping this piece of plywood off the front door hot And so I'm like, uh, and then in the morning. I didn't see anybody there. So it's like fine But then they're just like coming and going So I call her what's that the fucking her Sexual intercourse we're bringing her drugs and fucking her. Yeah. She's just a witch welled up in a shell Or whatever's going on my queen

So I call her mer Represent her gifts from the east Uh, I call the police and lay with her you call the police on her. Yeah, steve. You didn't go see what's good with her No, is that steve didn't learn one thing from this summer and the protests You don't just call the police on women of color. First of all that was before george floyd, but wow So why would you say that you just send her in a totally different porn now There's two cops and she's in like a fucked up house. First of all the cops were incredibly professional one fucked her One was almost an identical like brian six if he had been like, yo, it's garbant. It's me. Was he was the girl hot

Not conventionally. No, no, you had a thing. You liked it a little like that. You liked knowing what was going on That was me not wanting to What you fantasize at all about the woman in the house. No, you never thought about Oh my god, no, like a scenario where you're like, what what the hell's going on over? Whoa Yeah, we're just I like the new me. I didn't do anything with the hands there No, but I like the evil And I'm like, oh, I like that just you would like to plot in your network of just security footage just

Did you ever see sliver? That's not sliver There's no sluts in my neighborhood. I'm gonna call the authorities Squatters are an actual problem. They could cause house fires and I had neighbors So anyway, I called the police and my neighbor she was talking like through the cracker door Like I've been trying to get them, you know, I've been 311. I've called So you're not in the suburbs anymore. You're still in philly. Yeah. Well at the time. Yeah. Uh, oh, this was back then Yeah, yeah, got you. So Um, the like my neighbor had wanted them gone. They would just been coming in and out of the back

You just got a kid. Yeah, you know, and it's just like the lady had a kid. Wait your neighbor had a kid There's water And uh, took that baby. So then so They told her you need to get a go. I mean, it is dangerous to have a squatter in a house All right, you I mean you know, I would if I I wouldn't want someone where should they live Just kick them out. Well, I'm not I'm not saying that we don't need better public housing type of thing voted for biden Yeah, I'm just saying this is a democrat over here Well, you don't like handouts. I mean nobody wants to nobody wants to do the tough thing

But it's like those families those I voted stickers should just say I called the cops. Yes Also, anyway, I got a precious from my neighbors tiger woods down trump up Take the hat off if you don't respect it What? You don't you don't respect getting pussy and down trump take that tiger woods No non-stop tiger woods would have fucked that lady in the house tiger woods would have absolutely tiger woods probably put her there Dude, she was probably stuck dude. Yeah, she's probably true. She could have been stuck in Do they probably put they spaced the studs 16 inches you probably try to pass through the walls and got stuck dude

She was coming to go on her. She pleased Somebody probably freed her and so yeah, they come and they put up more plywood and then uh, so funny then The next morning i'm going out to get the paper And I I opened the door and she's sitting out there and she's like are you the one that called the police on me? That was an easy call for her That was so easy. She was like that guy called the cops For sure. Did you own up to it? It sure did. I was like, yes, and uh, I couldn't believe this He told me this before I couldn't believe you said my neighbors had their screen

Like I literally see screen doors starting to crack like up and down the block So it's like this was an important thing for me to own up to even though I knew that other neighbors wanted her gone I took full responsibility So she was like, why would you do that? He's a buck captain. I'm not but I should have I should have been I should have been Yeah, I picked up trash I I I did the whole yeah but uh

Anyway, so then so we got into a little bit of a you know, she was like, why would you do that? I was like, it's it's it's an abandoned house. There's it's not safe You know, there's it and then she was like, we've got electricity in there And I'm like, I don't know what to tell you and then she you know So she was like, I'm a battered woman and I was like, I have to call the police now because you told me that Well, are you a reporting hot dude? You call the police again on her? You're like, oh, you've had it tough I'm gonna have to call First of all, I hate to say it and I know I'm gonna come off very callous. She's manipulating me. That was not the case

She was not battered. Did you test her? How how would you test you go like that? Yeah? Oh my god, you don't regret telling this story. I look like a bad person You really do in fact, you should have tested her when you told me it the first time I hated you for it Why you just want so you just want somebody squat next to you and and families. I would literally never ever even Think about it. I would have seduced her and brought her into my house. Yeah, what a pretty woman to beauty in the beast It's how you get it's how you get the castle Animals it's how you get I mean mice It's it trashed the whole thing you get cd characters coming in

Then you what so you're gonna go out and they have like drug people coming in out at whatever time in the morning It's you can't have it. Can't do it. Sorry. True. You shut it down. Can't do it. I'm saying you could have gotten head So you called the police on her twice Yeah, what was the second call about this like I'm calling this lady just getting her ass kicked Yeah, and then this lady came out and uh, she was like sir You know, I can tell you're new to the neighborhood You're just gonna have to like accept some things And she was like she's saying that she's been here for a long time and I was like officer

What who told you that the the new cop that came out and I was like officer. She hasn't been here It's been boarded up. You know, and then the lady started screaming at me and she's like She was you know, a little unstable. So then the officer was like, uh, I got it now. I understand what's going on What the neighbors say were they were they like Little high five in you or they just like man's motherfucker. I've had a good relationship with them. We didn't talk about it but It wasn't like I got shunned or anything And how was the sexual tension between you and your neighbor?

She's well my older neighbors are older ladies. Yeah, that's all right. Don't be agistic. Come on. Yeah, dude This is well I don't even like the direction you guys You're gonna do a thing with it, but now I'm coming off like an asshole. No, no, no, you did the right thing You snatched twice on that lady. You did the right Nobody thinks you did the wrong thing And then the guy the guy that flipped out of me I was picking up trash and then he came out He was like, let me light my joint on your stove and I was like, no

And then he was like the fuck blah blah blah blah and then later his twin was the one that killed the Ah my god Jesus. Yeah He's got an evil twin. He had an evil twin. He had a luigi He had a waluigi dude. He had an absolute warrior into the cop. My hands were shaking. I was like I think I have security camera of the killers Tell people that that has nothing to do with us. Oh, you don't tell people that dude. Tell people what that you're gonna get shot Yeah, no, I'm not I don't live there anymore

Dude, you're like 20 minutes away. Yeah, that far. All right. Well, that's all right. You're fine. It was me I if you commit murder, I will talk about it. Gerby Strabeck, dude. Yeah, I brought him a justice He had to go down even though I was talking to the detective like please don't tell anybody Yeah, yeah I was like, don't tell anybody ever. Yeah. Oh, definitely don't all right. We'll just delete it then We'll block it out. Yeah. Yeah, okay. I don't think you have to but well if you don't think we have to I don't care Yeah, Steve got shot I mean dude, it'd be so funny having the dude behind bars. I'm like, hey man, check out this podcast. He's like mother

That's that motherfucker. Oh, yeah. Yeah, maybe you shouldn't I don't know that, you know, he's gonna get out. All right. Well, we had some good times He's gonna The fantasy is gonna come true. It's gonna be him the squatter Like you have to shut them down You're gonna have to fight them. You know what it is at the end of the day You're trying to help I what I mean, it's just like there's so it's there's just there's like one or two people that wreck it for everybody Yeah, yeah, and they they scare the shit out of people

It's it really sucks. I mean I neighbors have come to be like can I have my packages these kids steal it Nobody wants to say anything. Yeah, I'm not saying anything. But can you just so why should anybody have to live like that? Yeah, it's kind of bullshit and the thing that I told chain that does frustrate me is that when you'd hear like Some of the progressive, you know, not that I'm anti-progressive But it's like some of AOC would be like I want I want the police to police the same way that they do in the suburbs It's like in the suburbs, none of this would happen Somebody would call and be like this guy threatened me and it would be a big deal

They sit out there. They break glass. They know that I pick it up. So they just smash it I mean I gotta be honest if if you were my neighbor in the suburbs that I knew was going to pick up glass I'd be smashing glass You I would love you. You're right. You're right. I'd be like Can I help you with this? If you ever need anything, but I'm not all up in your business But I'm like you need something. Let me know you sound like you're helping people I'll give you the murder. I think the murder you did. You're a hero. You're a hero for that Legit hero. No, no, you are because that was that was crazy that that happened nuts

Yeah, I'm sure people remember that too. That was like big. It was crazy. It was on reddit They were like, why isn't anybody saying something? I know somebody know and I'm like, I'm I didn't say anything but it was just like You can't imagine this poor, you know, yeah Um, you got to go, huh? Yeah, sorry for ending this with such a sour now No, I mean, it's an incredibly interesting story. Oh, okay And you shouldn't feel bad. Okay, the squatter one you should but the second one you should be proud I just what watch what happens is squatting houses. It becomes a nightmare. It attracts a bunch of violence

You did what you had to do dude, you stood up for your block You did I you're trying to be sarcastic about that, but I did I'm dead serious. I'm not being sarcastic I don't like this. I wish I could delete that Yeah, you should have done that All right, you're losing your day of mind you're out of your mind. It's hot You're the man, dude, you're battered. I love you. I love you. You're the best. You've been you've been helping us out so much You've been killing it. No, not at all. I mean, dude, I'm so honored to be a part of it. I'm so excited next week These will come out. Uh, are they really I think the first sketch will come out before the next I had a very

One I did I had to bury my face in my I couldn't let gurby was too far dude. He was I had to literally turn around He would start talking and I was wearing a jacket that was high up Literally, I Like there was some of those I was like say this and as soon as like I I was the one who was like say this as soon as he said it I was just like I'm telling you Yeah, dude, he was laughing at him and I was like, man Mckiever's got the giggles and I like Chris O'Connor was like hey turn around make sure you're looking

I was watching gurby deliver his lines and I was like I have to turn around. I can't do it Dude, that's that's really nice to hear. But it's all it's the environment that you and John cream. I had to work I had to work like as soon as he said I had to work. I was just like It's the environment you and John create I'm so lucky to be a part of it. Thank you so much. Yeah, it's so much fun You're the environment. Thanks because I I'm so sorry The lady in Sherlock there was like the first season of Sherlock. I think did you ever see it? No, but she was she played She just did such a good job as this one character. She was talking about it. She was like as an actor you Just sometimes you get so lucky with the right role that you can really bring something to it

And and like the stuff that you guys are making. I don't know. It's just It's awesome. So thank you. You're talking to Sherlock the series. Yeah but like for me they they create this environment where they're like, okay, play this or do this and then they're so like this To have people because that this is a big thing of the depression like I I did not believe in myself at all and any sort of like ability that I would have and then to have people like you or John believe in me when I Didn't believe in myself and then we're sitting there and I couldn't get something for one character And he's just like give him a second. I think there's more here. Like it's just so nice

So I thank you and I can't wait to do more. Yeah Fuck yeah, I'm excited to see him. All right. All right. You're the man. Thank you for doing so much fun. Thank you guys Thank you doing. Sorry for being a jerk earlier. I was human. I was human. Forgive me Goodbye, Stephen You're the best, bro