Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep - 349 LIVE from Magooby's (feat. Billy and Spud)

Episode Date: June 1, 2021

WARMODE. LIVE from the joke house. YES.  Happy memorial day. Thank you for your service.  Support the D.A.W.G.Z. @ https://www.patreon.com/MSsecretpod

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Excellent. Bros, grab your mics. Does this work? We brought the Bros, dude. We brought Billions Bud-Man.

Yeah. Found him pretty good. We got the audio. We got the video going up there. I got to do a little... That's video production. Don't worry about that guy. Don't think the audio. Don't worry about that. That's a little movie magic, you fucking peasants.

God damn, dude, the live cast. The live cast is going to be so good. Well, don't pump it up too much. No, I got some shit to talk about. I think every live cast we've had, you've been like, this is it. I've always been like, this is going to suck. Dude, the last one. It's been so good, dude. You're right.

But now that I... The last one here was... Dude, so I have to... I'm going to jump right in. What are you going with? I've been dying to talk to you about this, so I wanted to save it for this moment. All these Bros.

And Girl Bros. For all the hot guys. An army of hot men. These dudes are huge. Yeah, we always have some jacked ass fucking dudes every show. It's pretty much your listeners of the show. Jacked ass fucking alphas.

Dude, so this is... I don't know if you guys... I don't know if you know this. So I'm sitting here. I'm talking to my brother on the way down. He hit me to this thing that goes on in the Amish community. I didn't know about it. Did you know the Amish are big kidnappers? No.

The Amish are notorious kidnappers. I thought you were going to talk about Rumspringer. Well, you got to snag them before they can spring up, right? Yeah, so the Amish are kidnapping... Notorious kidnappers. The English. So here's what happens.

Dude, you can read about it. I didn't take my brother's word, but... What are they saying? Hello, kids, would you like some licorice that I have? Pretty much. Pretty much. What happens is a lot of times they live in rural areas. But they'll find...

If you're kind of heroined out, you're like a drunk parent in a rural area. And you ever see guys... They'll snag your kid. They'll snag your kid. Because there's not a lot of them. Not a lot of people are converting to Amish. So they start to inbreed.

So they need fresh blood. There's actually a lot like what the Native Americans used to do. Did they really? Yeah, the Native Americans were like... They were low on people. So when they would snag some... Dude, that would be so good. That's what happened.

Yeah, they'll snag you. That's what happened. They'll raise them as their own. Think about how strong my Indian son would be. Your Indian son? If I had an Indian son. With a squall. Would you like a nice squall?

Oh, yeah. Can you guys keep your mice towards your mouth? Sorry. Real quick. What did the Amish do in the Civil War? What did they do in the Civil War? What did they do? They probably just got their shit rock, dude.

Man. That's actually a great question. As the premier historian on the Amish, I would say at the podcast. They probably just got their... Well, first of all, they weren't that weird back then. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They were just German. Yeah, exactly. They were just standard Germans back then. Yeah, at the time that was... They were run-of-the-mill, but also the Civil War never touched Lancaster County, so they were fine. True. Is that... Is there Amish anywhere else? Yes.

Ohio has a lot of them. What? St. Mary's? What's that? Oh, wait. You're not talking Mount St. Mary's. You think Maryland's this... Oh, he's a Mennonite? Are they your three wives?

Are these your three wenches? He's not laughing, dude. I apologize. That's a true Mennonite. He's like, nothing's funny at all. How dare you accuse me in front of all these people of fucking my... Definitely my daughters. That could be a new genre, dude.

Amish woman stuck. Ezekiel comes in and plows her ass. He's so... He's fuming, dude. I'm sorry. We might get shot with a musket if we keep this up. I mean, for real, chill. I know. I know. I'm joking, sir.

Just kidding, dude. Just kidding. No, but why'd you say he was a Mennonite? He doesn't strike me as a Mennonite. No, she was actually pointing down as in Southern Maryland. Oh, nice. So what do you want to do about it? What are we going to do about it, folks?

Oh, you're just informing us? Appreciate that. That's fine. This is why we stick to a strictly male fan base. You bring some ladies in, they start yapping. I've been planning an uprising against the Amish for a while. You can't. What do you mean? They're too thorough, dude.

No, they're not, dude. So my brother also, Tom... Have you ever shook one of their hands? Hell no, dude. Why the hell would I do that? Deal with them? They made my ladder acts. What? They made my ladder acts on my truck. Yeah, well, it doesn't make them... Apparently, they beat their wives, too.

A lot of people beat their wives. No, the Amish still do. They snag kids, and apparently... Dude, what are you doing? I'm reporting what I heard. I'm a journalist, dude. I'm reporting what I heard. My brother was telling me they snag kids.

But again, I would say, honestly, the fact that they snag kids like that, you find a kid in a bad situation, and they breed you out like a stud. So they snag you. You got to make sure... This is true. Why? They're never going to hear about it.

That's a good joke. But no, apparently, they'll snag... Well, first of all, you never see the women say a word at the farmer's market. Because if they... If they fuck up on that shitty cash register, or they fuck up on the price of eggs, or they give a little lip,

that fucking Civil War general looking dude, when they get home, it's just... It goes into every room of the house or just beats everyone. I don't believe it. Huh? Who doubts me?

Literally me. I don't think they do. They're men of God. Yeah, they are men of God. Old Testament. The more religious you are, there is a higher chance you do hit your wife. Yeah, if you're that religious,

that is the perfect amount of religiousness. You have so many good quotes, dude. When you're that religious, you just pull stuff out of the Bible. There's like, in the Bible says, you better fucking listen, bitch. In the very early part. My sister married an Egyptian.

Fucking fucking... He's Coptic. So it's like this ancient Christianity, and in the service, they were like, their vows in front of everybody, they had to be like, as a woman, do you submit

to your husband's will at all times? We're all just like, what the fuck is this? What did she say? Of course she said yes. Yes, the Coptics got it right. Hell yeah. Now with us in fucking pussy America, surrounded by yappy bitches,

we need to bring back religion to just quiet these women. True. Dude, now women are so afraid. Do you ever watch a girl watch The Handmaiden's Tale on Netflix? Dude, I don't know why Hulu keeps trying to show me this shit, dude.

Hulu keeps trying to push The Handmaiden's Tale on me. Well, it's important. It's important for you to understand. Yeah, dude. It's important for you to realize this fictional narrative is real. This made up story is how it is.

About a few chores, and all I had to do was breed every now and then. You take it? I will wear red clothes right now. You think it's easy? You think having kids is easy? So, man, you feel like a woman.

She's the first one to do it. According to Spade. First middrift? She showed mid-drift first. Who's the other one? Is it Shania Twain? And then Shakira came out. Still the one.

Is that Shania Twain? Man, I feel like a woman's a different one though. No. What? All I want to do is have some fun. All I want to do is have some fun. That's a great one. We listened to Taylor Swift on the way down here.

I love Acoustic Divas, dude. Jewel. I love Jewel, dude. I love her teeth. Me too. I like Jewel. I think it is an appealing thing about her. I love cross-eyed chicks.

He really does. It is cute. I'm more of a dead-eye guy. I don't like a dead-eye. I like a lazy-eye. I like it. You want to fucking... Anytime I talk to someone with a dead-eye

or a lazy-eye, I'm just like... You're allowed to do that. It's like an air conditioner. You just want to fucking... knock that thing back. Do you think they see both things? If you have a lazy-eye... Do you think they're chameleons?

Yeah, dude. They got two channels. Just split cam. Yes. It's got to be tight when you're sitting there and all of a sudden you're like... and I'm looking over here and you're like... Is it just blurry?

No, you're just getting that panorama. The worst is when you run into... Did you ever take an iPhone picture in panorama? It's like that. You can't move it too fast or it gets blurry. When you run into someone with a fucking lazy-eye and you look at... you're trying to talk to them...

Well, you gotta ask. You gotta stare at which eye. It's polite to ask. Which one of these do I talk to? You gotta say, Hey, idiot. Which one of your fucking eyes work? That was a good one, Shane.

Thanks, playa. What's up with you? What's up with me? Nothing. I've just been... I've... I'll tell you what's going on with me. I showed you guys a little in the green room.

I downloaded TikTok. The girls. And the girls... You think the girls are nice? Sexy. Although, I will say this. This is what's been... Of course, it's pure nonsense.

I mean, we're staring down the barrel of an entire generation of complete idiots. I mean, we suck. Our generation sucks, but this next group coming up... It's just women posting... That's all about the reality of the Civil War. We can talk about the Civil War in a second, because we got a lot.

The upcoming one. TikTok is just women... There's a trend where they just announce the worst things they've done. It's just girls being like... There's one thing where they're shooting guns. Who here is horny enough to have seen this? A couple of...

Yeah. Sir, your daughter. And... Just kidding. It's a comedy podcast. Also, can you raise buds, Michael, a little? Technical issue. A bit of a technician.

So it's like these college chicks, and then everyone's like, had a three-way at a frat. Same. Which kind of three-way? Of course. Who knows? There's a new trend where it's cool to be a debauchery slut.

Wait. What did you say? He said MMM. Anyway. But the true thing I've run into is, you know how you ever watch TV during the day or at night, very late at night when you're watching TV,

and then the commercials come on that remind you that you're a loser? Like you're watching TV during the day, and it's like, are you fucking fat as hell? Yeah. Like, are you hurt? So then I'm watching TikTok, and I realize the algorithm's just sending me

young hot chicks. So the TikTok's just like, are you a fucking pedophile? And I'm just watching it like, no? They keep sending them to you. They keep sending them. I keep trying to swipe away from the beautiful kids. Dude.

Fuck you guys, watch TikTok. Isn't TikTok, which one of them got like, had trouble in America as the one by the sea? TikTok, yeah, the Chinese. The Chinese are sending us, the Chinese are turning us great men into all pedophiles. The communists know the exact code to break us.

They know what's up. And apparently it's incredibly hot high school girls. Apparently they have a weird like, plaster system over in communist China. They ran into problems with it. Where like, if you're an orphan, like a businessman can scoop you up. It's not bad.

I think that goes here too. Yeah, probably. But I think it's more acceptable. Just businessmen grabbing orphans. Yeah, I guess so. Trill. Trill. Pretty much the life of an orphan.

Yeah. Trill. But then you run into a guy who wants to fuck you and then it becomes a hard cock life. That's what you guys pay for, baby. It's sad to get to the point where you have to show someone like, isn't this TikTok just fucking disgusting?

It's so stupid. I keep swiping. I don't have a TikTok. I never did the Twitters. There was a few Twitters that were all porn. Don't add the pluralization to pretend you don't know. You know over there that Twitter,

the Nintendo's, the Pokemons. I try to remember the name. I can't remember it. It's Twitter, bro. This was in 2013. I forget what the Twitter was. But I'm saying the porn that they have, my buddies all follow Hot Chicks on Instagram.

No idea how you do that. My buddies all follow Hot Chicks on Instagram. I'll let you scroll through mine. If you like it, it shows up on other people's feed. I follow you and it's like Mike Rainey liked. And it's always just a thick Latina. Mike Rainey's taste in women is like, nothing against thick Latinas.

That's great, but it's always like a rough, covered in tattoos, clearly a tired fat woman. She's exhausted. That's when Mike Rainey's like, heart. This is going to get through to Irish. He enjoys himself on social media.

I always see that. He does enjoy himself. It's always funny seeing what your friends are like publicly perverts. Yeah, just publicly. I see four of my friends. I'm like, damn, dude. I think the mushrooms might be kicking in. Really?

You're high on mushrooms? Yeah. This is a rough place to be high on mushrooms. The Joke House? The Joke House is made for being on mushrooms. The what? This is a joke house, dude. It's a mystical place. I was laughing the whole way here. This is a great name.

The Magoobs? It's funny the owner, if you make fun of it to him, he's like, what should I change it to? It's a great name. What's wrong with the name? Dude, I'm going to open up a little.

I'm meeting the talkie bros about this. You guys know my wife was going for five days. She was going for five days. And I... Yo! Yo! We're fucking friends, dude.

Honestly, if that's her choice, dude, I support her. My wife wants to go on a romance tour, dude. Who are you to stop her, honestly? What? Who are you to stop her? As a liberal? It's fine. Cock me.

That was fate, not me. That was fucked up, dude. That's very funny. This is something I want to... I'm trying to think. She went away and I promised myself... What? I get it, we'll do it later.

I promised myself that I wouldn't... PMO. Born masturbation orgasm. While she was gone. I'm not beating myself up about it, but there's definitely a level. You're beating yourself up about it. Let's go! The pro, the pro.

There's a level, especially... You guys are somewhat her bachelors, but when you're married, man, there's a level of masturbation you engage in when she leaves that's almost adulterous. Yeah, yeah. That's what I was like when she was... I went from like, nah, I'm going to chill on that

to like the second time in the night, and it's just... Yeah, man, I didn't feel great about it. I felt like I was cheating on her. I was jerking off, I was that into it all. Aw. Well, no, it gets worse. Yeah, it's not cute what I'm about to talk about.

So... This was not in the notebook, but the... Yeah, the notebook. He leaves her and he's just like... That guy is a bambi. That house was covered in comb. Covered in comb. I hate that notebook.

The notebook is the worst. It's the most sinister insight into the female ego. She leaves him for a rich guy, and he just builds her a house, and she's like, I'm done with this rich guy, moves in with him, and gets dementia. And she's like, that's so sweet. I'm like, fuck that lady. Yeah.

You know how good that movie... The guy should have remortgaged, fucking refied, never watched it. How good would that movie be if at the end he was just like, he finally, as an old man, mustered the courage to just walk in there and fucking punch her. Slut. And she was like, what? Why?

And he's like, you'll remember tomorrow. And then he comes down. Every day, he just keeps coming back, and he's like, whore. It just ends in elder abuse? Those are the worst videos, dude. What, elder abuse? What videos? Are you talking about porn? Are you still talking about porn?

What do you mean the weird sound it makes? The dudes who hit old people in the eyes, what videos are you talking about? They're like, smack a piece of chicken. Well, what videos? Let's talk about something else. That's just a classic build, dude. All right, sick.

So you watch Live League videos of people punching old people? I've seen it before, yeah. Have you ever seen that? No. I mean, I'm not shaming you. No, it's like just somebody outraged dude on Facebook. It's Buffalo Bill. Was it a big fat lady?

It's just old people getting crack. So you've put together like, is there a compilation of old people getting laid out? There's always videos coming out about that. Of dudes punching old ladies? Yes, of orderlies punching the fuck out of people. Oh, okay. Yes, but they've never had sound ever. Really?

What's the sound? Make the sound. Have you ever, like, if you're at Acme or whatever grocery store you go to in Maryland and you smack the piece of chicken? You know what I'm talking about? Or there's a roast. You have like a roast in place and you just fucking smack it. It sounds like that and it's like over and over

and they're not like full blown swings It's almost like punching in a dream. It's more of a control mechanism, like stay in line. I don't know. So it's basically what would happen if you crept into Joe Biden's room while he was sleeping. While he was sleeping, you're just like, you fucking ruined it.

You fucking stole this fucking away. So you were jerking your fucking dick. You were fucking milking your hard cock. Milking it. I was milking my penis, dude. Dude. I actually, like, tapped out through it.

It was like, the porn was too fucked up, man. What? What's the scene there? The porn became too sinister. Keep in mind, I'm just scrolling. Who are you talking to, dude? Wait till you see. I'm scrolling down.

It certainly isn't the old man. Running into a sinister porn? I've always been, not this type of sinister porn. I've definitely gone out there in terms of sexualness, but in terms of sinister plots, people use it, yeah. So I'm sitting there watching this thing.

People what? You'll see. I'm building it up, dude. I'm a storyteller. I'm attracted to the model. There's nothing to do with it. It happens to be about a babysitter. Oh, no.

Ew, man. Hold on. I'm all business. I have kids. I'm not worried about all that stuff. This was an Afro-Latina woman, too. My babysitters are Eurasian, so I'm not attracted to them. So...

Dude, I'm watching this. Oh, she happens to be a babysitter. I'll roll with it. The guy said, dude, here's a plot. So the guy's like, you know, he's like, hey. I gotta record my podcast. Yeah, yeah. And then his babysitter's like, go ahead.

I'll be upstairs. Hey, guy with a podcast. I'm stuck. No. My wife will be home soon. Don't worry. Stuck behind a wall of Amazon packages. Yeah. No, dude, so I'm watching this thing,

and it's like, you know, a plastic babysitter. She leaves her phone, scandalously dressed, and I'm like, you know, this is plastic stuff. All of a sudden, the dude comes home, and he's like, hey, I'm going to drive you back. She leaves her phone. It's a video of her. She's watching a porno of herself and some other guy. I'm still like, all right, plastic stuff.

Yeah, it sounds like fucking good stuff. It's the hub. Okay, it sounds good. So I'm watching. I'm like, all right. It's classic, you know, it's classic setup. This is the sluts journey, as it is in fucking... It's like the hero's journey. You know, doing stuff like that.

So I'm watching, and the dude sees it, and he goes, oh my God, it happens to Snow. He goes, hey, she's like, hey, I got to stay here. I can't go back. All this stuff is standard. So then obviously, he shows her the video in blackmail, so he says, we're having sex. I'm going to tell your fucking dad. And I go, come on, man.

Why not just like, hey, sex stuff? So you're invested in the plot. I'm watching the plot now. So the lady threw up from your disgusting story. Dude, I'm just telling people it's out there. So I'm watching. Someone's head just up. A woman's water broke.

So I'm watching this, and I'm going like, I wish this guy wouldn't be so like intent. He could just be playful about this. He's being kind of intense. He's kind of like really like blackmailing. Oh yeah, are you stroking it? Of course, of course. Thank you for being honest.

Of course, I'm working myself up. I'm getting into the plot. I'm getting there, setting the scene. How hard would you say you were at this point? You got to start making a podcast for like post-born podcast. Break it down like a press conference. A press conference afterwards after you jerked off. Like, well, yeah, we got in there.

Plot took a wicked turn. Dude, so then he's about 10 minutes. An obvious character arc here. So yeah, I think you were disgusted. So you were literally as hard as you could possibly be. Exactly. Yes. I don't even remember that.

What, being disgusted? How old would you say you are until you start? Like, you can't really get boners anymore. That good? I don't know. Well, I'm 33, so... Well, I feel like if you save it up, you're fine. Save up your jizz or your bonus? Yeah, if you just don't fap, you keep like...

you stay pretty hard. You just got a quick draw. But anyway, so I'm watching this thing and this is the part that really took me out of it. I hope people can maybe write the porn hub and get this one taken down. But dude, he's sitting there and they're having sex already and he just starts going like,

I knew you were a slut, all that stuff. And I'm like, come on, man, don't be doing that. And he's like, I knew you were a slut because you hang out with my daughter and I go, dude, what are you doing? And he just said, I knew you were a slut. He was like, fuck my daughter. I was like, shut it off. Oh, you shut it off?

That's where I pulled the plug. You draw the line. You can fuck the babysitter? Three-way with your daughter and the babysitter? She wasn't even present. She had nothing to do with it. It was disgusting, dude. I mean, they are really pushing the incest thing.

Yeah, it's crazy. But I think it could be just because of how hot it is and it works. Why can't they make porn where a guy is just like, hey, there's a pretty lady. When I was home this summer, my dad was trying to fill the... What?

Hold on. So look, I walked this summer. I opened up. My dad, he was filling up the lawn mower. He was refilling it with gas. And just for some reason, his watch got stuck, right? At the bottom of the lawn mower.

And I was in the house lounging. Prinsley. Prinsley laying. Sipping cool milk. Serial milk? Yes, and I heard my dad. He was like, Shane, I'm stuck.

And I came out and I said, Dad! What the hell is going on? He's like starting my gaping ass holes. So that happened this summer. Yeah, I didn't want to take the place of something nasty. I just thought it was remarkable that the guy took that turn for no reason.

He just threw that in? He was like, come on, man. He's sick of it. Yeah, it was just poor taste. What type of pornography are you interested in? All kinds. Totally girls. All just girls.

Big boobs, big butts. Fat pussies. Whoa, dude. There's families here, dude. There's a family here. He's one of a steak. Paul. Is this it right now?

I'm not going to waste my time with this conversation. I'm going to take him in here. We're going to listen to guys talking about jizzing. Paul. Paul, whose idea was this to come here? Hell yeah. You brought your Paul? Wait, you guys were at the show, though.

The regular show, right? They don't know what this is, dude. Paul. Did you come to the stand-up show before this? Yes, thank you. All right, nice. Paul, be honest. How do you feel about this? This type of stuff.

Huh? No, but this type of crap. Oh, thanks. Good, good. You hear about the promiscuous Amish woman? Wait, that's you. Time out, time out. That's your stepdad?

Boom, boom, boom, boom. Boom. Hey. Did I get that off? Did that sound good? This is Maryland, right? All right, cool. Yeah, below the Mason-Dixon line, bro.

Whoo! She slept with three men enough. Yeah. No, we're joking. We are obviously kidding, but... Damn, definitely. I don't mind. I'm not doing that. No, that's fucked up. That's mean.

Damn. Nothing just had a phone call the other day about... What are you guys talking about? Shane said it would be funny. He had group sex with you, Beezer, his girlfriend at the foot of his dad's bed. Yeah, we covered this. Bill, what the hell, man?

I told you that in confidence. No, my dad was asleep and I said, what a fun prank it would be. Me and my three male friends and my girlfriend all had group sex at the foot of his bed while he was asleep. So that he woke up in a dark room to like...

Dude, for fun, it would be at least three minutes. He had to unhook his fucking pilot... His pilot mask on. What the hell's going on there? He had to hit a jacked. It'd take his jet fighter mask off. If you did that and immediately ran out, he would be like, that was a weird dream.

Yeah, he would be that could not have happened. And then he would never want to broach the topic. You know, imagine we were at dinner and he was like... You guys didn't have to have gay sex at the foot of my bed, did you? I mean, because then what? Then he's got to admit like, I had the wildest dream last night.

All three of you boys. This is a bi-curious triad. Yeah. The three of you boys were going to town on each other. Yeah. I swear, one of you was just fapping and admiring. So, Billy and Spud, we brought you guys down here. I don't want to talk about myself all night.

What are you guys up to? Nothing much. Just chilling. This is my third time drinking this year. Yeah, I mean, you're really getting after it. I haven't had drugs since my experience. Yes. I put down the narcotics.

Shane is now the shaman. Shane is now the shaman. I think so, dude. Well, I did die. And I literally... I've been offered cocaine several times. And I've said, no thank you. How do people take that when you're like, no thank you?

They get mad. Especially when you're typically the guy who is usually like, what the hell are you, dude? Yeah, that's something like, if you're smoking weed and you're going to try it, you're like, no thanks. Coke is kind of like, I'm good, bro. Yeah, because then it is a bit of a judgment.

No, I'm not judging you. Coke is fun. It's for girls. Coke's for girls. Can we be honest, it's a girl drug. It is, yeah. If you want to feel good and happy, I don't know.

When you're out there and the dandelion lasers are keeping on you. I can name a bunch of cool ass dudes that did Coke. What? There's a litany of men that have been addicted to cocaine that ruled. They live the girls' life, though. You go out, you do whatever you want, girls, you can do whatever you want,

have fun, have sex whenever you want, and then just chill. Well, Coke kind of makes that happen for dudes, though. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. You get the girl experience. It's the perfect drug. Yeah, it opens the dating scene up pretty well. No, although you do get wildly depressed.

Yeah, but you get the girls, though. And then I think there's fentanyl in it right now. True. People are dropping like flies. Bad idea. So... Yeah, that was still the funniest thing I've ever experienced. Just joking.

Shane that next morning, that obviously went to hell. And then looked at me and just put his finger up. And what'd you say, Shane? Oh, well, I can't... All right, so if you guys don't listen to the podcast that much, it was Matt's bachelor party. I had taken... I was already on about three hits of Molly.

We drank a little, and then there was just a giant... Just to hang out with guys. I was just hanging out with the fellas, dude. I don't take Molly for anything sexual. Yeah. Molly rules, too. If you can get addicted to that, do yourself a favor. Seek out.

There was just a giant Ziploc bag of mushrooms. So I was... Shane was eating them like chips. I ate this full bag of mushrooms, dude. I remember taking handfuls and not being able to swallow because my mouth was so dry. How many handfuls did you take? I have no idea.

Dude, I was... I was going over and over again, and then while somebody else was getting yelled at for munching them too hard, I think it was Pat. I came in and I was like, yeah, you fucking idiot. You can't be eating them like that. And then I just munched like more to be a joke.

Sure. But then we went out, we sat by the fire, and I escaped reality for... 12 hours of just raw hell. I died. I witnessed my own overdose, and then... Not that funny.

And then... But yeah, I was like, dude, throughout the night, I was like sweating. All night, dude, I was like dying and coming back to life, and I was just like... Just in a cabin in the Pocono. I was just like...

And then I woke up and came outside and Billy was sitting there, and everybody knew I had experienced death. I was lying there looking at Bill, and I was like, what would I call a patty? Like, I just looked at Bill, just like, that's a good night. Which is a funny way to...

Hell yeah. You know, after you... You just completely die. You just totally die, and then you're like, hell yeah, that shit was great. I was like crying. Last night was a fucking movie, bro. I died, and I met my father in heaven.

I had a spiritual breakthrough. What was the first rule, dude? Dude, in 20 years we could be living in a world where all the alcohols are placed every one year, a month, and a gram and a half. Dude, alcohol rules. Speaking of... Any staff member that hears me, may I please have two Bud Lights,

and a white claw, and a glass of red wine. Cabernet, please. A fine cabernet, ma'am. Please, in a cup. I don't like a wine glass. In a cup. Really? Four Bud Lights, and two white claws.

Yes. Thanks, playa. Let's go. Everybody here, please do us a favor and tip a little extra if you can. Just a little. Just a nice gesture to do. Whatever you were going to tip, add like two or three bucks.

Unless you're a scumbag, then. Yeah, it's a nice thing to do. Or if your service isn't very good, though. Send a message. But, if they're par, give them a shot. Give them a little extra.

But yeah, that's all that's been going on. The TikToks have been hitting me pretty good. They don't awaken any sexual desires, but you know what I've realized? I think this is what's happening to me. I'm getting older, and I'm getting more

horny, but less wanting to even have sex. Like, I see a girl, I'm just like, hold your shit, what I would do to her. And then, I'm in the room, and I'm like, I'm just going to hang out. The older you get, the hotter all girls get to you.

Yes. That's probably how dudes got in the feet and shit. That's probably how dudes got in the feet and shit. Absolutely. You develop it. Well, that has an evolutionary thing to it, too. Really? The size of women's feet typically take their fertility. Oh, really?

I touch my friends when I talk. Yeah, we just touch our boys. Yeah, that's feet. Do you want to challenge that? It's feet, waist-hip ratio, and a couple other things that dictate how... Thank you very much. Oh, thank you.

Stemless wine glass, I approve. I think the feet thing comes because I think you developed that at a later age. I think you get so fucking horny that you're just like, you know what, I see this girl and I'd like to shave her head. I see these girls on...

Dude, we joked about it before. You get to the point where it's like, man, that girl's so hot. I'd love to strangle her to death. Trill. Right on. It's like, man, I'd like to break into her house and eat her.

That's how Armie Hammer got down. Armie Hammer did get down. I was gonna fucking eat you. So, yeah, he was trying to eat you. I told Spade, I'll go hand up elect her. That's what it takes. Like, at this point, it's a fucking lost cause. We need to get to a lost cause.

We're on a trip. We're on a trip together. How long have you been sitting shriva? Four months. You're four months, no pussy. That happens, bro. I'm okay with that. But now you want to eat a woman.

I'm saying maybe if I say that, if you can tease women like that, if you see them on the street, maybe mommy, mommy. Softly bite them. If you see a woman, exactly. If you playfully bite a woman on the street, I love that, dude.

Especially like the train station. Dude, there was a carpenter. Bite them. On a flight, just bite their hair. They're sitting in front of you. This worked. Suck up a strand of hair like a spaghetti noodle. I know a carpenter who did this.

Wait, hold on. You know a carpenter who did what? This chick got up on it. I was working for that company and we were doing apartments. And this girl's like, I need help doing my blinds. And this guy's a psychopath. She walked up the ladder and he bit her ass. And it worked.

And they had sex. Right then and there? Six footer? Yeah, he was a six footer. Also, his nickname was Tomahawk. Did he have a nickname like that? Tomahawk. Did he have anything to do with his cock?

Or was it just a cool nickname? His name. Tomahawk. His name was Tomahawk and he bit a girl's ass. And it worked out. Holy shit, dude. I've been afraid to say hi. It also might have been a adrenaline thing too.

Yeah. You know, like when goats just pass out, those goats that pass out, you're like a sexual assault to maybe have sex with a woman. Dude, there's a hornyness that gets in your chest and it hurts and it can make you cry.

It can make you cry. True. Don't tell anyone that. Don't tell anybody that. He gets a horny cry. Like Stevie Janowski pointed gun in his dick. Oh, fuck it, dude.

Damn, I get it. It sometimes gets to that point. It's true. What, are we going to lie? We're not liars here. We came here to tell the truth. This is the blazing sort of truth. People hate to hear that men get so horny

they want to cry. We get so fucking horny. Everybody's on board. Frustration makes with a hornyness with air. Come on. How do you relieve the tension? You just got to find the perfect dumb slut. You got to find a slut that's so horny

or harness those powers that she ignores all of the red flags of a man being like... White start to finish the date. Yeah, just white-knockling the entire day. Yeah, you want to go out to eat? I think that's what plenty of fish is for.

As soon as you get that horny, you just download PLF, dude. I would love to have, like, the access to a GoPro of the chick that I'm on dates with. We made it all up to rewind it. So I can see what they say. Yeah, you can set this up. You know what I mean?

That would be hilarious. Oh, God. There was a date where she was like, are you sure you don't want to go somewhere else? I was like, nah, this place rules. And I drank, like, nine beers. She was trying to bounce you out of the place. I was like, I had a great time.

I really like you. She was trying to bounce you out of the place. You did the right thing there, truthfully. When it comes to getting close to you. You stood your ground like a man. When it comes to getting close to you, there's nothing a girl likes more than a guy who's just like, this is what I'm doing.

Be a part of it or not. This is what I'm doing. It's my plan. Season two, love on the spectrum. True. I would leave. This place is great. David Buster's. Don't you think we should go? There's so many video games here.

Why would we leave? Yeah, I was like, but I still have $15 on my power card. I'm trying to get enough tickets to get the remote car. So now I'm not going to eat your pussy. Spud, you're going to find love and it's going to just overwhelm your world. Hey, I know Maryland is my favorite state. Yeah, are there any single ladies in here tonight?

Thanks to motherfucking noise. Woo! We love you, Spud. Table nine, you lying bitches. Yeah. How dare you. Are there any single effeminate men? We can drive home tonight, dude.

Huh? No, we're fine. We're not trying to send anybody up on a date, but, you know, if you're a lady and you want to hang out with some of the fellas, we'll be at the bar after this. Just put it out there. Nothing serious. Doesn't have to be anything.

We're not going to eat you, like we said. I know we were a little heavy-handed on this about perhaps crying and eating you. Yeah. He just saw Silent's Lancer first time. First time. And Matrix. Yeah. I am jealous of the fact that you've never seen a movie. Dude, I haven't seen a movie.

I just saw the gayest movie. What the fuck was that movie? It was just about a gay couple the one guy had to mention. It's an older gay couple. It's a very sad gay movie. It is hilarious. Wait, so the guy has dementia.

I can't believe I can't think of a pun on gay notebook. Yeah. Dude, it's two older gay men, one dude has dementia, and they're riding it out together. What do they talk about? Wiping each other's asses and shit. What? What the fuck movie was this? How long? Wait, what was it called?

I'll look it up. I was like taking videos and sending them to my friends. The cock book? Close. From the start. That was the best I got. What was it? Mead?

Oh, I don't remember the... Oh, all right. Fair. Well, that's why we're up here and you're there. I'm kidding. I'm sorry. Just kidding. Just joshing. That was a joke. What was the movie like when you watched this?

What did it say it was about? Two gay guys. The gay guy just slowly forgetting everything. I just watched three movies on dementia. Dude, Anthony Hopkinson is in one called The Father. And he's like, he gets so whacked out. He's like, is my mummy going to come and visit me? Is my mummy?

I need my mummy. Did he talk? Oh, was that what he won Best Actor for? Maybe this year, yeah. That wasn't that funny? It was all the white liberals were trying to... It's time Chadwick Boseman. And then they're like, once again,

Anthony Hopkins for a movie that literally no one fucking even heard about once. It was just him being gay. Supernova. This is the gayest movie ever made. That's the one of the guys

forgetting everything? It starts out with two gay guys spooning. It's hilarious. You mean literally the gayest movie? Yeah. I thought you meant just the gayest movie. You mean this is homosexual? It's like...

Also too, I was wondering if gay dudes finger each other. Definitely. I would think so. Have you fingered a butthole? It's the best. I'm not asking you. The way that you do to a girl. It's the best thing you can do is finger a butthole

especially while your penis is in there. You try to touch your own penis. Yeah, I love that. Damn. Step dad. Step dad. Dude. For real though, when I got my step mom

and she wasn't hot, I was bummed. She's throwing it out there. True. I mean... Yeah. Not really. That's the least you can do. I tried.

I had to try. I'm a dying piece for your teenage signs. Dig in, boys. Chuck is a step sister at me. At 20. I have to try. I heard that. It's not my fault.

You did what was right. You tossed a bite. Got denied. It doesn't work out like it does in the movies. Any single ladies in the house tonight? First of all, you were right though. If I was ever put

that type of situation, I'd cross the line. At 20 years old? You're not straight if you don't cross the line. When I was 20... Try out my new mattress. She was asking. She crossed the line.

When I was 20, I was looking at the family dog. Saw your head? That's all on the table. I used to deal with Cartoon Robin Hood. Cartoon Robin Hood? Fox. We were tracking cartoon characters.

Who was Who Framed Roger Rabbit? That was an actual human. It was a human cartoon with giant tits. That was not a rabbit. Lola Rabbit. Lola Bunny. She's hot. I'm going all the way back to Bambi.

Didn't Bambi have a girl rabbit? Bambi had a yes. It's hard for me to guess. When I was 7... When I was 7, I was genuinely attracted to that bunny from Bambi. That bunny is hot as fuck. It was designed to make you hard as a young boy.

It seriously was. It's kind of weird. Disney is a perfect movie station. It's a perfect movie station. They make those movies to get kids fucking hot. Hard, dude. Dude, I used to carry around my little mermaid VHS. And I took it to people's houses.

To show people the dog. I took this to people's houses before I knew what boners were. But I knew what I was doing. I would be like, can I put my movie on? I'd go in, put it in. I'd lay down in front of the carpet and start to open the ground.

You're a pressure player. Wait, to other people's houses? To my grandma's house. When the dog started scooting around the fucking... I was just laying in front of the TV and just hump. How about when they were singing and you kissed

and they were like, you know you want her. Just kiss the girl. Sebastian is like... That's such a horny song, by the way. That whole thing's horned up. The little mermaid's hot. What about your home turf? Your home turf for the little mermaid.

Different scene or... I mean... Wait, what? He's got a piece of information. He's trying to pry out of it. The rug was all jammed. You jizzed on the rug so much. I fucking destroyed my parent's house.

That is understandable because when you're that young and you're blowing loads on the carpet, it disappeared. You think that, dude? I did the same thing. My sepsis removed into my room and the rug's...

I slept on the floor from ages 9 to 15 with my grandmother in the house. She said... She used to be the rosary and say nabina's every night and I slept in a sleeping bag. My sleeping bag was crusted, dude.

It was a crystal cave. Just sinning in a sleeping bag. I wonder why my dad hates me. He walked in. He walked in my room to wake me up and he would just kick me. I was in a sleeping bag. He would just kick me.

He would touch you? He would fucking jizz Burrito on the floor. Oh, my God, dude. He would probably kick you. It would be particulate cobbles in the air. Smell like chlorine every time you unzips. Ah. That's his error, to be real.

I've never heard an audible gasp at one of our shows. During the carpet part, there was like a literal like... I mean, dude, think of the short... Knocked the wind out of all these fucking weird perverts. Think of the cost of re-carpeting two rooms.

Oh, they had to re-carpet them because of that? It's a few Gs because your horn is. Dude, I ruined a rug in high school. I thought the same thing. I thought cum just disappeared in a rug. Did you upgrade to a wet towel? Why are you guys jizzing on the floor? I had to, bro.

I never jizz on the floor. Because I fucking... I was... That's gross. I was having intercourse. What do you mean? I don't do that. Make your mom clean up your cum like a fucking weirdo.

If I don't cum on myself, make your mom get on her hands and knees and scrub your cum out, you weirdo. She had to freak out on those guys. Quit jizzing on the goddamn rug. She did. Dude, the one I hit, it was one of those non-nappy area rugs.

It was at my high school girlfriend's house. And it was her mom. I was in there and her mom was like... What the hell? She was hitting it and messing with it. Trying to see if it's cum. Absolutely cum-shaped stains. If you were to give me the Rorschach ink block test,

I'd be like, that's cum. Every time. Every Rorschach, you're just like, cum? Cum. He's like, okay, we're going to try this again. That's a four-day load right there? Cum? Let's switch gears.

These people didn't pay to hear us talk about cum. I mean, you got to know about that. Coming on a rug is... What'd you think about the battlefield today, Matt? Yeah, that's awesome. It's time for the Civil War part. Sacred Ground is exactly right. Absolutely.

Yeah, we went to Antietam. There was a telescope and eyeglass. That was pretty cool. I was happy for you. You did. And then I pretended I could read it. Yeah, that was... It was really funny. I couldn't read that at all. He looked at his spyglass and he's like,

oh, that's a Maryland monument over there. I was like, yeah, I can see that. Just to try to ruin the fact that he bought a spyglass. And then I made up what I could read underneath it. Damn, you didn't know I was lying? I thought you were... I'm a good thespian. I thought you were lying.

I thought you were lying. 12 officers, 12 core... Yeah, dude. Maryland, yeah, that's what it says. And he was like, god damn, you can see that for me? I can't know, dude. That's close to stealing. That's close to stealing Sight Valley.

He's stealing Sight Valley, yeah. Antietam was Sight Man. We did a little tour. It was pretty sick. I mean, I was doing parkour. Matt did do that. I was actually fuming. I'm fuming.

Like a bad ass 6th grader in Healy's doing something like that. I was doing... It was a parkour. It was a parkour. It was a parkour. I was trying so hard. So Matt kept doing... Every time I'd approach a monument

with the reverence that it deserves. Obviously. And then Matt would jump off of it and do parkour around me. And then he said, it's a par-tour. And I was trying so hard not to laugh.

It got me. There was one, it's called the death... What was that thing called? Bloody Lane. It was set up exactly like a halfpipe. I had to shred it. He did shred the Bloody Lane. You guys know...

I don't see the lanes. I was a boarder and a blader. I was a boarder and a blader. And I also, as a young child, I ripped my groin doing a 720 off a couch. You did a 720? I had just played Cool Boarders 2 for about, I'd say, 7 hours. With the alien or without the alien?

The alien, obviously. You ripped a 720? I ripped a 720 off my friend's couch and ripped my groin. And then what happened of that was I ended up in the emergency room. My dad saw my penis, dude. No! There's nothing smaller than hospital.

You have a hospital dog. He ripped a groin hospital bird and they took my pants off. Doctor Penis is some of the worst penis possible. It's crazy. They have to know that. They have to get your penis checked out. It was like a dead goldfish. That's not bad. When he fell, they made him rip his clothes off.

They made me... Stone sober in front of a bunch of nurses. It was like lax... You fell like... There was nurses, right? We were going to cut your clothes off. These are my only clothes. I know I'm shrimp to the max because I have a brain damage.

How far did you just fall? I have 25 feet on the metal. I have brain damage. These chicks are smoking. Might have made him stronger, obviously. You fell off his scaffolding. I have 25 feet. You come back up.

You come back into consciousness. Let me work it up a little. These four dudes roll up on me. They're like, yo, bro, we're going to cut them off. It doesn't matter. They're like, dude, it doesn't matter. They're telling me it doesn't matter. If you're saying it, obviously it matters. It was the worst fucking thing.

I had to lay down on a cold metal table. That's a bird-shrinking table. That's a bird-shrinking table. It's meant for small pieces. They can't put you in a hot tub? Pussy doctors designed those tables to make other guys look like they have small books. And I'll be honest, if I was designing tables

that I knew I was going to make other men sit on... Warm, cold metal tables. No, I'd make them as cold as possible. I'd go, look at your small penis. And I would make a cool, funny doctor joke. I'd grab their balls and be like, oh, yeah, a bit of a small penis. Oh, it looks like you're suffering

from a very tiny cock. No, that's just a joke we play here. You're fine. You're fat as hell, though. Yeah, dude. You're always wearing like... So you go in there. That's tough to do sober. Just expose yourself to six nurses.

Well, for some guys, it's not. They're kind of into it. But yeah, you had a cut. You had a showbird. I had a showbird in front of Lake. Why were there so many? Who had the Hulk? Francis Ellis. You love Francis Ellis. I love Francis Ellis.

Who's that? My one-boy Francis. Oh, Francis, right. Who are those dudes standing over here? Oh, my God. My bird's on the side. Well, that's honestly true. The fact that it can even bend down and fall,

it's pretty good. I think you're kind of bragging right now. That's a weird brag. Straight up, dude. Straight up. Yeah, dude, I'm running into some rough tenuses. That's not even close. If mine's flopping to the side,

I'm like, I got to take a picture of this. So yeah, you had a flop going. All right, so continue to brag. So you're getting... So you're an incredible Hulk. You Hulk-a-maniaed it out. You ripped your clothes off. I got somebody like Francis, and he's like, just count down to eight, dude.

It's no big deal. They start bullshitting about something else. I look at my dick, and then I fucking pass out. What the hell? Who's that thing? No, you've got a big penis. Dude, for fucking almost dying, that's a decent penis. Chilling? What the hell?

To the side. To the side. Yeah, I'm getting complaints about that. He's leaving out the girth. He's leaving out the girth. He's leaving out the girth, dude. So sad. So sad. You're taking that. Hell yeah, bro. He's leaving out the girth.

He's a girth worm. Felt like a hockey puck, this guy. This guy's cock is huge and thick as hell. Horny as fuck. Those doctors were probably like, they probably injected you with something. Yeah, you have to put your clothes back on, dude. It's a weird surgery. You've never heard of it.

Yeah, they were probably. Dude, you know what's nice to know? That your cock is so big that all those Francis's, all those dudes that went to Harvard and fucking Johns Hopkins standing around you while you were bloody in your battered rags and then they unearthed

that fucking thick ass dick. I mean, I've seen black dudes. No, no, no. So these, all these Francis's were like, I went to Harvard and I am, I've studied and then they saw the working man's cock on the table.

There's nothing they could do to take that away from you. They looked down and they said, my word. This man's cock is huge. Given the circumstances, his cock is still floppy. They know the math, dude, they know. They know the white cock math.

That's what this cock flopped. That's what sacred geometry is. This crowd has checked out, dude. It's so funny. I know, I know, I know, I know. Order another round. We can do better. We can do better. Each one of you order a shot. We'll do a shot.

You guys want to do a shot? You guys are gay. You guys won't. I bet you will. What type of shot are we doing? No, dude, we're not throwing heroin. We can talk about my thing. I bet we can get the whole crowd to order a shot at Tequila.

That'd be fun. Not fireball. Fireball sucks. Tequila. All right, just everybody order a shot and we'll do a shot here. Coming in a minute. It'll be fun. I'm not paying for it, dude. It's just a nice treat for you guys. Fucking pay for it.

Shut up. Give us a discount on the shots that we're all going to do, please. Go back to Andrew and run it by him and say, I asked for the entire crowd to do a shot. And see if he's... He's Jewish. He's going to be like, yes.

This is a good deal. So now you all have to do a shot and hopefully some of you crash. Some of you crash your cars and die in fire. Think that's not funny or something? Dude, give me that horse face bullshit for it, dude.

Don't give me your horse... Stop. Stop it. Yeah, the show's not going well. I'm going to start turning on people. You're getting nasty, Shane. I understand, dude. What else is up? Oh, dude.

Sydney actually hit me to this. Do you know the person? Do you know? You didn't know about this? The Ab in plants and shit? She's ripped. She looks exactly like Pete Davidson. Oh, was that that chick that trans?

She got Ab in plants? Yes, it's terrifying. Ab in plants? No. You would never... She basically appropriated my body type, dude. Seriously? She appropriated your abs? My future body type.

It's kind of ridiculous. She just stole it. I'm not stealing valor, dude. I'm going to be a bro. They get dick transplants. Oh, yeah, dude. They're dick transplants. They get sking grants off their fucking thighs.

Yeah. It should be all your uncles line up and you do a randomized thing and pick which one it is. It should just be a fucking pinwheel of all your uncles spin it and whatever uncle you get, that's your dick. Bro? That's bullshit.

I swear to God, that's... That's why you want God does. Yeah, literally. We can all agree. As far as the transgender conversation that this country is going through, I think this is the most important thing I've heard.

Easily. Which was Bill's idea of cocks and cock sizes. And they lack definition. If somebody's just going to decide they're cock, we can't have that. You have to feel our pain.

This needs to be fair. You need to spin the wheel. What do they max you out at, though? Whatever you want. There's got to be a biological max. Probably femur. You probably get the tough skin on your knee. They're taking it off the thigh, dude.

You can get a fucking unit. How do they make a bulbous mushroom tip out of your thigh? There's no definition, dude. It's just a shit. It's like an animate dick. Did anybody order shots? Order them, dude.

Hold on. They don't have a head. The waitress is going to come around. It's just skin, bro. It's like a futonari dick. It's a futonari dick, dude. Get ready. You're going to be living a world in nine-inch trans-dicks. Why does he have to?

Are we all? Are we all headed down the tube dick? We're all... Are we all headed to tube dick hell? Did anybody here buy this ticket not knowing it was a podcast? Every once in a while, that happens, and it's very funny. They're like,

oh, Saturday night, we'll go to the late comedy show. Literally, they know it was four dudes talking about cock. We can talk about whatever you want. That's actually a pretty good thing. I didn't know they didn't have tips. They kind of do. I'll show you some pictures.

I actually have never looked at the pictures. I'd like to see pictures. I have no idea. I just want to know. My new brothers, dude, I want to welcome them back. I want to see what they're working with. Welcome, bros. First things first, we say funny stuff to each other.

Are you a guy? Well, behind closed doors, we're going to goof. We're going to goof around. If you've got a dick, we're goofing. We're going to be like, look, I might fuck around and grab your ass, but it's all in good fun. We're bros now.

I might hold you down. We're bros. Now that you're a guy, if you get raped, it's funny. Dude, where do you stand on the line of people freak out about trans women athletes,

dudes who became excellent athletes, excellent athletic women? Do you get mad when they dominate sports or do you celebrate them? I celebrate them. If a trans If an F to M

is fucking awesome. If an F to M stepped to me, I'd like to beat the hell out of them. Just in a sporting event. Oh, of course. That's all I'm talking about. I'd put hands on her. No, that's a good point,

because it's like, I'm curious, because I don't think biological sex isn't even real gender. What I'm waiting for is for F to M trans. This is our dominating male sports, just like M to F trans. The Packers, I think it was the Vikings.

They just got their first punter. No, no, no, quarterback. A female that transitioned to a male quarterback. Sorry, fellas. No, of course that's made up. That will literally never happen. Ever.

Don't hold your breath. I don't know, though, man. How would that work, though? They're automatically disqualified from sports because they'll test positive for steroids. That's unfair. I think all athletes should take steroids.

That would be sick. It would be like Anifel Blitz. They should be able to hit after the whistle. Yes. If they want. This is how the XFL started. This is how the XFL started. Yeah, Ron Mexico.

Obviously. We're pretty much the same guy. What? Nothing. They're asking if you guys want a shot. Not at all. I'm the only one that's going to do it. I just asked all these people to join us with one.

I'll do it. I'll do it. Can I get three? You want a shot? I'll do whatever it takes. Sorry this is bombing. It's not bombing at all. Bye, my fault.

Are you guys having fun? How much fun do you guys want to have? You don't need to have that much fun. Yeah. It would be kind of weird if you guys were like I'm having a little fun. That's kind of on you guys. This is fun.

If the whole crowd does a shot here in the next 20 minutes, I think the rest of the show will be nuts. It's been a real wild time. I think it's going to give it a little pep. I honestly think we should open it up to see if anyone has any sort of questions. Any type of questions?

You want to open up to the Q&A? You're going to the bathroom, dude? You said too many seltzers. That kind of looks like an R. You look like if carpet seaman turned into an Amish. Carpet seaman got struck by lightning and turned into an Amish, man.

It's good, bro. It's good, bro. He was a safety, though. There's plenty of white safety still kicking around. No, no, no. Corners. No, there's no... Jason Seahorn was the last one.

He died in 9-11. That's what 9-11... A lot of people don't know this. 9-11 was about al-Qaeda hated white corners. There was only one white corner left and he played in New York. That's where they struck.

They decided... White corner... Very negligible. Not very good. I don't know why al-Qaeda is Japanese. You're kamikazes. Yeah, true. They were kamikazes. That actually does make sense.

Thank you. Spuddog with the fucking hammer. True. Jason Seahorn did not die in 9-11, but the last white corner was around 9-11. There's never been a white corner since. Who? No, I know, but that's the last one.

That was 0-2. He's the last... We got running becks. No. Chill. Chill with this wee stuff. What do you have? A mouse in your pocket? Thanks, guys. Appreciate it.

White corners don't exist and that's fine. That's okay, man. That's how things work. We can't run backwards fast. And we just have to get used to that. Our hips don't really open up like that. That's fine.

Although I think it's unreasonable. Billy's gonna want that. Instead of a shot of water, you snuck one in for him. You motherfucker. Nah, I don't know. Ew, you sissy. You're gonna like that. I'll go, oh, you've never done a shot.

Sissy time, sissy time. You already do it? No, dude. I was gonna wait for the crowd to get their shots. I don't think they're all... I think the owner denied that request. The owner, who cares? Whatever, fuck it.

It's gay anyway that I wanted you guys all to do a shot with us. I think it's pretty cool. I thought it was gonna be a fun thing without all the scoots. You need to go all be friends and then there's girls here and they'll be having a good time too. However, I couldn't have said it better myself. Yeah, for real. Does anybody else... Does any ladies have any questions?

Yeah. Table nine. Would you ever consider it hot if a man took you home and he said, I'd like to kill you and eat you? Would that ever arouse any part of you?

Right on, right on. They said no. They were all silently going, no, please leave us alone. Anybody cool with toenail fungus? What? Anybody cool with toenail fungus? How about mental illness?

Anyone? Well, mental illness is hot right now. Yeah, it's so hot. Rampant use of psychedelics. You trying to ruin this thing? Come on, man. Jeez. He's the funniest guy in the world.

He's cute as hell, though. Spud does have a giant dick and he's cute as hell. Dammit, what a loyal motherfucker this kid is. Any of you dumb bitches would be lucky. You'd be fucking lucky. Just know that.

Any other questions? I don't think anyone asked anything. I know. It's a good Q&A. It's the best Q&A. I was like, I'm pretty sure the... I was like, 9-11 happened. Can we all agree the Pentagon

definitely didn't get hit with the plane? No, it did. It did. Really? It did or did not? It did. Can we agree that Flight 93 was shot down? Sure.

Let's talk about the 28 pages, dude. Let's talk about who did it. Who did it? I don't know. Dude, if we are in Maryland... That is pretty close to watching me say it. He opened up a can of worms. I heard the crowd respond who did it.

Chill, chill, chill. But I will say... It's close to D.C. It's close to Virginia. Anyone with problems with toenail fungus or moles? First of all, I go through this all the time. It's not toenail fungus, it's toe jam.

It's just the stuff accumulated from your socks. It goes right out. It happens when you get like a ton of money and then like... Can I get two more Bud Lights? Staff, staff, staff. I missed my dog. My dog died this year.

That's what I'm talking about. There we go, that's good stuff. You know what's funny? I was talking about this. My dog died, Shaq. Shaquille O'Neal, that's what we called him, and he died. After he died, it was a black lab.

It was a big ass fucking black lab. It was Shaquille O'Neal, dude. He was the best. It had nothing to do with the black part of the Labrador. Big dog. It could have been a golden lab and we would have called him Porzingus. But...

It was a black lab. So we called him Shaq. And I think it's the best way to get over a dog is to dig its grave. By hand? It's just like, dude, I mean, as sad as I am, this is such like a hassle. Yeah.

And then finally, and then you go back to your car and the dog has stiffened. How long has it taken? Pretty quick. I mean, about as long as it takes to dig a hole enough to bury a 100-pound black lab. And then you go back to the backs of your car and you've got a stiff. There's something about Mary dog.

And you've got to carry it back. Did you have to extend the hole because its legs were probably... Its legs break as you pull it out of your fucking Buick rendezvous. It's a good car. Yeah. Its legs shatter as you pull it out of the back of your rendezvous.

That's my dad's like top shit. It's like when our dogs die, he loves to take them to the vet. Like when they're really sick, he takes them to the vet prematurely and tries to get them put down. Parents want to kill every pet. It's crazy, dude. And then the vet's like, they still got a little life.

He goes, hit him with the needle. They get like piss. Yeah, they try to be tough. Parents love to be like, yeah, I don't even care about this. And then the dog dies and it's all... They see it. You know how when your dog dies, you see it still?

You're like, that's where he used to sit. Yeah. That's what they experience. The same parents that are like, yeah, kill it. I don't even care. Then they come back to your house and he used to sit on the landing right there by the steps. That's all I was trying to say. Yeah, my dad was pretty into it.

He would bury our dogs pretty swiftly. And we were just like, whatever. My one little sister freaked out and he was like, he put a little chair up there for her. He's like, go up there and cry. I don't want to hear this. Oh, really? Your dad was Amish. He's probably like, I hate the Amish.

I don't hate the Amish. I don't hate the Amish. I'm just tactically planning because if the economy falters, they have a lot of natural resources, a lot of land. I promise you're not coming near those boys. Are you serious? You? You're getting bowed down. They literally have, like, AKs. They sell drugs. Bro.

A lot of them do, yeah. Be real with yourself. There's no shot. You don't think I could take it out on him as far as I know. You couldn't take them. They'll run through you. They'll run through you. They'll throw bread at you. What? It hit you with loaves. They run on bread, bro. This guy's coming at you. He's an allergic to bread.

Okay, okay, here's the thing. Damaged him. I can punch him in the face. Let me shoot him. Shoot a drone. I can fly over them. They'll shoot it down. They'll shoot that down. No problem. I'll buy another one, dude. I'll buy another one.

You map out the farm. I think the English had this strategy. It did not work. Didn't work. What? I'm a sure of the most 1776 motherfuckers on the planet. Dude, you can. I could take a farm, dude. You could not. You could get mulled by dogs.

You couldn't start a farm by yourself. You could have been an Amish child. Yes, I could. An Amish teenager. Fight to the death. They would grab you by your neck. Have you ever been around these guys? Stupid little haircut.

They're bowl cuts? Dude, at Notre Dame, there's Amish in Indiana and Ohio. And they go on Rumspring. By the way, they go on Rumspring for years. It's not just one experience. They can stay on Rumspring. And for two years in a row,

we tailgated with Amish that were on Rumspringer. Dude, these dudes, they're horses. They're tiny. Someone with tiny bowl cuts. The strongest dudes on earth. And they stink. Sure. Because they're not sure about the odorant yet.

Or showers. But they're jacked as hell. Matt, I mean, they would wreck. They look like a laser scope. A preteen Amish. A bud light. Dude, a laser scope. Staff, please.

Dude, I could go down there. I could tripwire the whole field. I just blow up their house. Your head would get blown off. First of all, I could buy an armored truck and just run right into the front door. You can't afford an armored truck? Yeah, I could buy an armored truck.

Yeah, for like a buck fifty, you get like a decked out. Now, Matt finally brought up a good point. I could go back to a shitty pickup truck and crush them. Unbeknownst to them, you could destroy their house. All war is just advance technology. I could go in there with advanced technology.

They bullshit about not having advanced technology. I could enlist men. You guys want to farm, let's go take it. This is how you just became like a terrorist. A lack of training. And technology. You were just like, okay, worst case scenario. I just fucking run right into their shit.

And that's it. You're like ill-equipped. You're just like, well, fuck it, I'll just explode their house. True, that's where bombs come in. What other military options do I have? All right, so they can beat me up. They have guns. They're stronger than me. All right, what if I just drove my truck

straight into a bunch of them? Then we'll see who wins this one. That's a fair point. Yeah, it's funny. It's funny to see someone reach terrorism. I'm saying it might come to that. It might have to come to that. It might come to that if these hours keep fucking with you.

Exactly. If they keep properly raising kids. What? They're kidnappers, dude. They're fucking kidnappers. They're kidnappers. Could I please get? Yes, yes, yes.

Oh, thank God you didn't fall. Oh, man, how are you? All right. Did you spit in G? No, I was not at all. I just said, how are you? I don't know. You seem kind of starstruck.

I'm kidding. You're a fucking idiot. Sorry, maybe I'm projecting onto you. You are projecting onto me. I'm starstruck. Cheers. Well, guys, we're getting close to the end of this thing.

Yeah. If you don't want to, don't do it. I'll check the news and see what's happening. What's going on in the podcast? I mean, truthfully, honestly, this podcast can go as long as we want. And you guys are welcome to leave at any moment.

So if you ever feel like, all right, I've had enough tonight, that's fine. We're going to keep performing until about three or four in the morning. Pink Floyd did stuff like this. Yeah, for real. We have to give a 20-minute notice for last call.

Okay, but we're going to do a shot right now. None of you did, you fucking gate. Wait, you don't want to do a shot? Man, Bill, for somebody as rough and tumble as you, you're afraid to do a little shot? He's wearing jewelry. It's an insurance policy, honestly. Cheers, guys.

I love you guys so much, dude. I hope we all die tonight, dude. That's how much I love you guys. What was that? What is that? That's some of the worst... That's some of the worst warm tequila I've ever had in my life.

Now you got hot mouth? Holy hell. I don't need to throw up. You piece of shit. I'm sorry, dude. And it was like a big shot. I'm taking the shot to kill like three fucking years. You want a sip of beer? You know, you can only imagine what that tastes like on mushrooms, too.

Piece of shit. I had no idea that we were going to get brought into this. I'm going to piss. Dish out your theory. Matt, I was talking to you about this. I love girls. I love girls from Maryland. Hit me with this theory.

Also, Spud, get up on that mic. You're good, you're good. It's not you, it's the tech. Oh my god, dude. Who fucking drinks this shit? There's no way like all the piggy blinders shit where these guys drinking like are pumped. They're not pumped on that. They do, yeah. You're not.

That tastes like ass. Yeah, but if you have like four more to go. It's flammable liquids, dude. They're doing their best. They're doing their best. Dude, in 20 years this will be just like weed edibles and mushrooms and like a little bit of wine.

I would like to add over this. This is self-harm. Yeah, well, this is good. It'll be white claws, weed and like mushrooms and stuff. Alright, that's my kind of party. Exactly. What's your theory? Stop at eighth grade. For the most part.

When it comes to dealing with people one-on-one, they can memorize everything to become CEOs. They're the fucking shit. But they stop at eighth grade when it comes to dealing with you one-on-one because they'll make up hypotheticals in their heads and get mad at you and shit like that. Yeah.

When it comes to dealing with people, girls stop at eighth grade and that's it. You call them eighth graders. The way you handle someone, it's more of an eighth grader than it is. It's eighth grade move, eighth grade vibes. Can you give me an example? I would say if a dude was doing it to you,

if a guy was doing it, it would be weird. You wouldn't put up with it. If a guy called you up and was like, I was thinking today that if we both moved to a city and we did move in together, I would hate you. I was mad all day about thinking that. You're no big deal. I would even say that's like fifth grade.

Girls are crucial. Up for the most part. You're in eighth grade when you start doing that shit. Yeah, but the problem is, this is the problem I feel like. I feel like girls when they just squads of girls, they don't have fun. This is a myth. This is not a myth.

Girls don't have fun together. Girls don't have fun with each other. If it's two girls, maybe. The more girls you add to a party, the more fun they have. Did Billy tell you how to crush? Did Billy tell you about his crush? Did Billy tell you about his crush?

No, what is it? I had a glimmer of fucking hope out my window for a week. What are you talking about? So, Bill has a garden across the street from his house. There's a very cute girl working there.

Volunteer? I guess. You just watched her from your window? How do you ruin it? I was taking pictures. I was showing them. It had nothing to do with that. You were taking pictures of the plant she was planting.

No, not at all. This is recorded. You have a lot of pictures of people. Technically, you are. It depends. You can't do the mirror on your shoe thing. All this eighth grade talk would not have gone down. Let's just say that.

What do you mean? Things get harder. Once he finds love, he will change his tune. I will change my tune once they figure out what I have said on recording. No, they don't care. You are just kidding. I have hours of me saying horrible shit

on recording. I tell my wife, don't listen to it. If she does, I say that's your fault. When the doors are breached and they want to dig in just to get mad at you. You have to give them other stuff to get mad at. What? Just fucking fuck with them, dude.

Leave shit out. Don't punch them. You just leave shit out. I do that on purpose. Leave the sponge in the sink. Shut up. I am talking so much shit. I am going to go home.

You have to piss them off. They say that if you don't in romantic relationships in relationships if Shane is the king of nagging babes. So they are saying in romantic relationships if you have

out of every seven encounters are you out of a claw? Hello. Part of me is staff. I am not used to this kind of bright lights type stuff. The lights are wild right now. It's low, bro.

Salt lamp in the middle. You only get one moment, dude. This is a guy's big shot. You have to lose yourself in the podcast. We'll never make it in New York. I don't think my big shot is working out. What are you talking about, dude? He's like Jim Morrison.

He's a lizard king right now. I don't even know what's going on. You did have a very rough day. You did have a rough day. Uncle died. Show some fucking respect, you assholes. You asshole. Spud rules.

You guys, yeah, dude. Feel that love, bro. Whole room, bro. Dude, I immediately started thinking that I was like, dude, Charlie's dead. And I was like, this is fucked. Yeah, it's fucked up. We need him. Then I thought

now, obviously I'm always kind of on mushrooms. But I thought I could make a Charlie if I could find a girl with a part of Charlie's in my balls. True. That's it. And I was like, dude,

I had like a primordial thing of like I have to make a fucking kid and have him be like Charlie. Yeah. That's the thoughts of a fucking man, you pussy. You're tapping into it. That was very, very real. I was tapping into this shit like he died.

And I was like, holy shit. I need that motherfucker. We need that motherfucker. Charles, y'all. I got to find a girl that is of German and Irish descent. All right, all right, all right, all right.

God damn it, dude. What the hell? No, dude. What you're talking about, this is a whole... A strong person with a very good foundation. If we had two spuds, that'd be a problem. I mean, if these guys linked up... It could not come over.

It'd be Mario and Wario, dude. You know these guys were jumping on our heads? You'd be fucked. We'd be in trouble, dude. Why don't you go in Videro? What's that? Can't you do this, though? Girls do this shit all the time.

In Videro? I'm not an eighth grader, man. I'll wait for a girl. I'm just saying, dude, that's kind of... You don't have to be mean to Matt, dude. No, he's not being mean to me. You're not going to ruffle my feathers, dude. I bet you can, dude. I'm too zen.

Fight right now. I can't be ruffled, dude. Matt can't be ruffled. I saw you with your shirt off. Please don't try to fight me. When was this? I recently got a lot more cut. When?

Sure, that was pretty recent. I'm pretty ripped right now. It's fucking cool. It turns out you don't really need to eat food every day. You don't need as much food as you think you do. No, you need like one meal. That's what I'm at right now. It is, dude.

We were doing the Civil War shit and I was like, Dude, dudes used to fucking sleep in the rain. Dude, imagine if a Civil War broke out right now, dude. You don't understand. I need a big breakfast. If you listen to these books and stuff, man, it would immediately go from all this shit of all this talk

and then the dudes that know war, they would be the dudes that take over. It's a final say, yeah. And out of nowhere, it would be like Jocko Willings being like, Alright, dude, this is what we're doing. We're knowing people down here. But here's the thing.

Shane, be a general, you'd be a general, bro. I did study the last point. I'm Shane's yes, man, from here on out. Dude, I listen to these books about Civil War and I just think about if it happened right now. Look, there are Civil Wars right now and they're nothing like the American Civil War. There's the Syrian...

There's real Civil Wars happening right now and it's not even close to the American Civil War, which was, you know... No, not casualties. More casualties. Civil wars are kind of underrated. If we got into Civil War now,

it would be fucking drones and missiles and it wouldn't be like... Here's how we need to... Well, it wouldn't be because you're talking about the population against each other, so it would be like the average people don't have drones and shit. It wouldn't be the population against each other.

That's typically not what a Civil War actually is. Really? You go back to Mennonites or something? What is it? Like a CIA interfering with people? A Civil War is usually... Like a modern Civil War would be like a rebellion versus government. Well, that's what a Civil War always is,

but the government... You want to make a mockery of me and ruin this entire show? You made me take a shot. You've been lifting weights, dude. You've been lifting like a gay man. I had to work on a house for a last three weeks. I don't lift, dude.

I get guap. You pay other people... Oh! He undercut you, dude. Don't do that. That's the squid, bro. That's the squid, bro. That was a squid war.

Oh, man, I've never seen Billy after a shot. Joe, he's fired up, dude. I do not want to bother Bill. I can't believe you survived those shots. I can't believe we survived those shots. We survived. Those were horrific shots. Can I get another white claw? Mago or...

Anybody that works here could I get a two Bud Lights and a white claw? And that's all for now, right? You guys actually enjoy all this, huh? Yeah, this is a fun thing. They haven't done Last Call yet, have they? The Keevers loving it.

They have? They did do Last Call. Who? Okay. Anything else? Miller Lights? Heavy. Everyone's queer for them? You didn't strike me as the type of human

that would use that type of language. It's... It means weird. I'm very open with what I look at. I do. You have reclaimed it? Thank you. And I appreciate that. Can I say that too?

What about Black Cherry White Claws for dudes? Coors Lights? Out of Coors Lights? Dude, my demo is lit. Dude, this whole weekend all light beers are gone. Are you guys out of skull?

Damn, bro. Spain's gonna throw up. Yingling would be great. Can I get two Yinglings and a White Claw please? Two White Claws, honestly. You guys got Last Call already? Yeah.

That's when it's time to wrap it up. That's when this goofing off really gets not that funny. It's over. I've sat around and done a show when the crowd had to sober up and boy, do they hate it. Dude,

do you have something to talk about? I just came across this article. I haven't the entire time. I'm reading the news right now. I know you. I just like to push the fucking bill. But they're saying a guy died.

So he was biologically dead. During that time, he claimed to be pure consciousness. So he has a memory of while he was dead. So we're not gonna die, everybody. Don't worry. We're gonna fucking live forever. You want to know a funny story?

A person I know, they knew a lady who championed elephants in Africa. You know this person? We need to raise money for elephants. These fucking poachers

are killing these elephants. And then she went over to Africa. Now you can obviously imagine there's obviously a white woman with money. She went over to Africa and an elephant killed her.

Now it's not funny at all. Shut the fuck up. But the way, don't even laugh about it. I'm not laughing. But the way elephants kill you is they fucking crit. What? They motorboat you into the ground.

It's like going through a car wash. Now this is a horrific story that I didn't think was funny. But I'm not telling you where I heard it. Okay. And it was a wealthy woman that was like, hey guys, we need to start raising money for these elephants.

And then she went over there and an elephant was like, what the fuck did you say? We're doing fine, bitch. Isn't that funny? It's just like those final thoughts like I came all the way here and I'm ready to go. Oh, an elephant. Every toss in the heart.

If only that dumb elephant knew what I was doing for him. I'm trying to help you motherfucker. Dude, hunters getting rocked by animals is the fucking best, dude. I like I even like when a deer and I'm all for you can shoot deer. That's fine shooting deer and like turkey and shit.

Good. It's getting horrible. Turkeys are funny to shoot. Any animal that's ugly, kill it. But everyone's want like a deer or win a fight. It'll just beat the hell out of a fucking hunter.

Yeah, you see those videos. Yeah. The guys just getting rocked by hooves. I could imagine taking that many shots of the hip over and over like you. Oh my god. But

there's stories of like elephants. Elephants are pretty smart and they'll remember so they remember who did what and then they'll see someone who did something and just come out of the woods and just fucking like it's great. I think I bet they got

some of those elephants had like Facebook. Oh, yeah. And she was on there and she was like, I don't actually support these fucking pieces of shit. Pack a derm mother fuckers and they're like, what'd you call me? Don't you dare call me a pack of derm. She's probably being shitty.

That's funny. She was probably talking shit, dude. That must have been crazy too because didn't like back in like the hunter gatherer days they used to do like rites of passage and like they were maybe like you got to go out in the woods by yourself for like seven days.

So many people probably died. Yeah. I wonder if they could even do that in like Africa. Think about the work lives that happened. If you went by yourself in Africa, you could. Hell yeah. In Ireland, they used to make you sit

in a very dark cave for like three days. Pure darkness for three days. Well, which every Irish dude was just like, hell yeah. I'm in a dark cave. I mean, that's that's how every one of us live our lives. Like please make it cold

and dark in here. Turn everything off. Relief from sunburn. I don't know. Going out getting killed by an animal has got to be a fucking wild way to go. And anytime I hear somebody got killed by an animal. You know what's fucked up?

No one's fucked up. I thought about this the other day. So that's pretty much all we did. We used to like just get killed by animals, get crushed by shit and get other humans would kill us. Somehow out of that, we started being like, what if we just like do different stuff? What if we ignore these signals

from our body and do different stuff and then we just birthed civilization? Pretty nuts. I mean, drinking alcohol had been fucking gnarly. Yeah, back in the day when they first discovered it. The whole sack of fruit is like, dude, fucking drink it. Fucking drink it. Dude, I'm pretty sure it was the bros drinking alcohol, eating machines and hunting together.

Yeah, pretty sure. Whole civilization was built on the bro ship. You had to be a psychopath to just suck on that sack of fruit that's been sitting there for like weeks. Yeah, it's been in the sun. Somebody buried it and spit on it. And then you're like, all right, I'm gonna fucking drink this, dude.

But everyone's getting mauled all around you all the time. It's almost like, go drink this shit. You're gonna chill. You'd be like, thank God. Dude, I don't even care if I get mauled. It's the first time in your life you've been like, dude, I wish someone fucking mauled me. Yeah, going out in the jungle. Dude, that must have been sick.

Going in the jungle with beer muscles. It's like a piece of shit steak. Yeah, go to Jaguar like you're fucking gay, dude. Fuck you. Damn. That's pretty tight. Yeah, man. Beer muscles in the fucking Amazon. Yeah, just a fucking Mayan with beer muscles walking out.

Just like, I wish someone would fucking cut my heart out, dude. I dare you, dude. That's probably the only way those wars happen. And then the conquistors showed up and they're like, dude, look at those pussy ships. I'll swim out there. I might fucking swim out there and fuck you. You just get hit by a wave

trying to swim out. Just hammered this red tide. There's some conquistador in the spot. And I was like, what the fuck is this? So I'm kind of like, come over here. The crowd doesn't like it. Well, it's funny. As long as you like it, dude.

As long as you're laughing, it's funny. I know it's funny. The conquistadors are coming across the ocean on beer muscles, too. The conquistadors the whole way over. The conquistadors the whole way over. We're getting hammered. Dude, I hope this ship falls off.

The fuck? Just sail, dude. I hope there's no end to this. That was European muscle. I hated Europe. Dude, the highest powers of thought were like, dude, the world's a cube. And some guy was like, fuck it, dude. We're going to find out.

Fuck it, dude. Me and my boys have been getting hammered lately. We're going somewhere. Also, it is so funny that whenever they talk about travelers, I forget. Magellan, I know he's circumnavigated. No, he didn't make it all the way. I know a couple of them got killed.

And it's so funny when they get killed. All these explorers that go the whole way around the world and then they accidentally land in Madagascar. A guy just comes out of the woodworks with a stick and is like, what the fuck are you doing here? That's a different level of piss. Oh, dude.

Magellan actually circumnavigated the globe, but his ship did. He died. He was like seven years around the world. And then he got off of one island and like he was totally outnumbered. He was like, come on, he puts his god will protect us. And it's got like stabbed in the face.

And the guy, the dude who actually circumnavigated the globe, he was like, come on, let's show him how we do it. And he's got fucking impaled right through the face by like a sharp stick. He's like, I've never seen this type of guy before. He's just got impaled.

He almost did it. The guy who actually made it around the globe was like some like Native American slave. It was a Native American slave. That was the guy who actually circumnavigated the globe. It was the rest eighth of a mile like Randy Moss hand behind his head, fucking high stepping. I did it, dude.

It was like Napoleon Dynamite, dude. It was Pedro. Pedro fucking made it around the world. It was like, sorry, that guy got stabbed in the face. It's just like those people who tried to like expand. They went to that island that nobody fucks with. It just happened recently. Like, yeah, they went to an island

that like throws rocks at drones. Like somebody every once in a while like a drone camera will come by and people are like, what the fuck is that? They have like swing shots. They're like, get that shit out of here. Christian missionaries went there and just got their shit

pushed there. They like showed up and they're like, hey, you guys ever hear about God? Dude, we're fucking retarded. Get the fuck out of here, dude. We don't have time for that. That's the sad part about Grand Hancock. We're fighting snakes, dude. What? That's it.

Like Grand Hancock's like the whole world gets blasted and those dudes are sitting in the Amazon like, ah, fuck, what the fuck's going on? True. And they got to bring back everything. That's you guys stop drinking. I didn't stop drinking. But I would keep it going because

that's the best part of the thin red line, dude. What? That's the best part. The war in the Pacific, dude. Yeah. Not right now. Just here, dude. The war in the Pacific. At McGoos, dude. I have to get shamed the pictures of my

grandfather. My grandfather was named MacArthur's Honor Guard. You got to see these pictures. You got to see these pictures, dude. These pictures, they're executing dudes. I'm gonna cry. I'm so horny if I see those. Dude, I got to get you this stuff. His grandfather has like fucked up war pictures.

Oh, yeah. It's like snuff stuff. Dude, they posted up in like a giant mansion. It was MacArthur's Honor Mansion. They were all the bros were posted up. His kin was there. Damn. And you guys sit here and laugh like a butcher.

You have all dastied your fucking yawn right now? Who yawn, dude? I wish a native was here to shove a stick in your fucking face. You saw your fucking dumb pale face yawning. I'm about to crowd surfing to start swinging all these honkies, dude.

There's too many honkies, dude. I might zankief these honkies, dude. Just mosh. No, just start a mosh pit, dude. Honkies love blind swinging. No, the coolest thing in the war in the Pacific was the fuzzy wassies. That's what they,

now it's a racial slur, so you can't say that. But that's what they called the indigenous people on these islands. And they ended up being fucking beasts. Really? Every once in a while, the fuzzy wasies, they hated, now this is an Australian term. I love this.

It's actually kind of endearing to be honest. It's like a Furby. And they loved them because the natives, the natives, yeah, like Philippines, but also the Pacific Islanders. And they loved the Allies because the Japanese

were being very mean. And look, that's not mean to say, because in around the 30s and 40s, the Japanese were doing mean things. It'd be the equivalent of me criticizing the Nazis. They were very supremacist.

They were very mean, and they would go to these islands and they were very mean to the indigenous. So then when the Allies showed up, the indigenous were like, yo, these guys, fucking rule, we'll die for these guys. What? Yes. And the indigenous, they would like, dude, they were helping,

they were helping, they would like, save them and like, they would always, they were considered like angels. They were like, while you were wounded, fuzzy wasies would show up and fucking help you. But also, fuzzy wasies, every once in a while would get rowdy and they would just beat head the fuck out of like

30 Japanese dudes and all the Allies were like, yo, dude. This just sounds like the gremlins. It's so funny, because there's stories of all these dudes, like all these Australians and English troops, and they were like, ah, the fuzzy wasies, they were so...

too fucked up. Well, it's funny that this was like certain dudes' lives. They were like fighting some war, dudes were getting beheaded, and they come back to the States and then it's like, be nice. I just saw the most fucked up shit.

Here's the best part about the fuzzy wasies is, they didn't, they saw what happened. They were humans. They saw the technology, but they didn't under, they had no idea what the fuck that was. So these guys were on Pacific Islands

that were remote for eternity. So then all of a sudden, they got hit with World War II technology, which was new to everybody. So they were hit with radio, they were hit with planes and tanks and all that shit. So then they just went around and they tried to

recreate it. So they would be like, all right, I watched the white guys get food by like picking up a phone and saying, hey, we need food. So they would go around and they would try to remake what it was. They would just design...

Yeah, they would just design like they'd find a bottle and be like, we need food. And then put it down and be like, I saw that work before. But the best part was every once in a while, the Fuzzy Wuzzies, they would like give them a machete and they were like, all right, help those guys out.

The Fuzzy Wuzzies would come back with bushels of heads. And they were like, yo, what did you do? And they were like, what man, we're just trying to help out. Dude, let's get some of that food going. Dude, look into the Fuzzy Wuzzies. They fucking ruled, dude.

Would you ever fuck with cargo cults? That's what they were. You lay by the shore, you would see a plane drop a crate of food and you're like, that's magic. So you just lay there and wait for the gods to drop it. Yes, I mean, it's the exact same thing. They saw cargo drops

from the allies and they were like, all right, so we need to figure out how radio works. But they've, I mean, they've never, they haven't gotten to pants yet. Yeah. You know what I mean? So they're just looking at this shit like, what the fuck was that?

We got a call on a fucking artillery strike. They witnessed dudes like pick up a phone and be like, all right, blow that fucking hill up and then hang up the phone and the hill would explode and they were like, what is happening? Yeah. God, I can't get a controller

when you're playing big games. Dude, you're playing big games right now. It's awesome. Holy shit. But no, but it's funny that it is like handing them the controller, but every once in a while they'd hand them the controller and they'd find enemy lines and eviscerate everyone.

Fuck. Yeah, it's fun. That's awesome. History. Wow, what a cool thing, guys. I like getting hammered and telling people about shit. All right. We're getting close.

Yeah, you think we're wrapping it up? Oh, man, this is the guys. I could do this all night. I could do this right now. But they already did last call. That's what's killing us. Guys, we will release you from this. Thanks for sticking around, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Guys, thank you.

Billion Spud. Thank you, guys, for coming out. This is a lot of fun. Thank you. I guess it's over. Yeah, it's on. Yeah, somebody in the sound booth. Play Easy Rider by Actrin Bronson. Shout out, Gardini. Shout out, Gardini.

Huge beast. XXXL beast.