Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 355 - What do you Mean by That? (feat. Chris O'Connor)

Episode Date: July 22, 2021

o0o0000ooo00o and WE BACK! Sorry about the time off. Please accept this token of gratitude. The O'Connman joins the D.A.W.G.Z. to discuss Shane's pilgrimage down Texas way - and much much more!!!!!!!!! Support the D.A.W.G.Z @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod

There it is, dude. It's gonna come up like a perfect. What's your problem, Gardin? You got a fucking attitude There's an angry clap. Yeah, what are you mad at? Oh, really? Yeah, Gardin is getting pumped in the garage Crossfit with my daddy His dad did crossfit. It was his birthday present He wanted he said I would love for you to join me on my workout for my birthday, dude That must fuck dude working out their son must be awesome

It was pretty sick which and then we trailed and crushed bruise after really. Yeah, that's a sweet. Yeah, it's nice I was happy to hang. Wait, how was the workout? What'd you guys do? Dude all these push-ups and fucking dear the crossfit so gay Did you try to go extra hard for your dad though? I was trying but he's beast and I'm I'm just a small boy I was struggling your beauty. He's the beat Is it competitive it's got to be competitive There's people that are competitive lesbians lesbians and like dudes that are gay, but don't want to admit it Oh, so you guys go to like a crossfit gym, you know, just he's like belongs as a member to a gym and everyone's like friends

And he's just kind of like the old dude that chills You dad's your dad might be stepping out. He might be trying to get some side That's how that's what dudes do they join crossfits to fuck jacked ladies They try to have sex with jacked lesbians spend a night in China, dude Yes, hell yeah, dude, I'm stoked for you man You should go every day you should try to go every day with your dad now I do want to get jacked. You have to get jacked dude. That girl. I like you from the beach I know all the girls are like me at the beach

All right, what's going on? Back there. It's been a couple of weeks. Yeah. Yeah. How are you guys feeling pretty good good? Pretty pretty good. I feel good about the rogues episode dude. I was dreading it Yeah, I was crabs world a couple times, but Not as bad as I not as bad as I thought I called Matt immediately and I was like, dude, I was swirl It was full crab swirl What is it crabs? Do you ever see the gif when like mr. Crab is just like It was that dude, I said something

Rogues didn't laugh. I was just like So bad Caught a crab swirl stings dude, and then it was it was like hour one of three hours I was swirled you swirled I swirled for I listen. I'm a half an hour in I didn't hear any swirls world didn't start yet He asks about SNL and I was just like It all came back PTSD came back so hard. Damn your inbox filled with your Twitter. Oh, man That's the worst feeling in the world when you like you've thought about something a lot and you have a good way of explaining it

But then you someone hits you with a question point blank, and you're like, yeah, dude. It happens every week Yeah, I read stuff, and I'm like, I'm gonna explain this so good Like damn an idiot, but this is what I mean. I've talked about it a thousand times. Yeah, I was like, I got it I hope he asks. Oh, yeah handle this well as soon as he asked. I was like, it's hard You went into the one thing you like if wow, like you can't even trust people he's like, what do you mean? You're like, let's just start for the beginning I Mean them a whole time. I've tried to avoid it. I've been trying to avoid talking about it seriously. Yeah, then that was the one

Yeah, I mean, it's also whatever you can also just chat about it, but you know, but I hear you it's tough to That's a tough thing to navigate because the whole when you're thinking and talking and there's another voice being like shut up Yeah, it's just crab swirl fuel. It was it was Pierce worlds did It was funny though. It was yeah, it's funny if you know me true. Yeah, don't know me They're probably what the fuck is this? No, I think that too. I wonder that but there's also if I'm just chillin there And all of a sudden that comes up. I'd be I'd be laughing pretty hard. Yeah, cuz you did a good job fucking around It wasn't like, you know, it's funny. No one ever acknowledges the reality Maybe they do but I don't I never hear people acknowledging the reality of how nerve-wracking that is

Well, the temptation to go deep on Rogan, I think is I would want to be like I don't know whenever I think about being on Rogan I'm like, oh man, I'd love to have some like real deep conversations with them But then if I was on there, I'd be like this sounds stupid. This sounds Bail out and then try to be funny. Yeah, it doesn't really jump in. Yeah, doesn't really jump in Stories so you're just like then fuck is this bad? Is this a bad story? No, what else you want to talk about? It's there, but I will say this. He is the bro. He's king. He is the bro We had it shows with him all week and he is the bro. Did you sit and be else with you?

He's dude. We went got fucked up the first night. Did you it was great? He's the man Of all the famous people I've met. He's like the The bro ski it's King Broski. He might be yeah, man, but then yeah It was funny back in the day when everyone's like, dude, Rogi's comp. He was he was just doing a hundred million dollar deal Yeah, you just chill What do you think happened is like a hundred million dollars someone's like we'll give you a hundred million dollars They're all right. Let me not fuck this up So pretty simple case closed figured it out, dude. Yeah, dude

I've been sleuthing lately not on that obviously gave up my parking authority sleuth and I started fucking off Megan's law Nice, yo, bro. Do you ever you ever peek around see who's living around you? No, you can look around like your zip code No, dude, I did you get I got my own a couple dudes. I wanted to see if I recognized anyone. Yeah, that was my first thing I didn't recognize any of them, but Dude, there's a there's a couple of addresses. I kept seeing they all like there was two camps There's two pedo camps like I guess within a ten minute walk from my house So I was walking anyway. I was what do you mean pedo camps? There's like eight dudes. They all have the same fucking address

So they're up in like a little building. Yeah, because they have weird housing walls around. Yeah, like group homes Yeah, so like I was like what the fuck do there's peder ass around like there's nests of pedophiles around me Yeah, so I just took a little walk and just you know, you're not they say on the website You're not allowed to use the information to intimidate or harass Yeah, so I just I was like I can still walk I can make a presence. So like walk by and it's like just what if your presence is intimidating That's on them. I'm not talking to them if I'm just standing out there Be like man, I hope I don't see any motherfucking pedophiles out here. Yeah, I would do something terrible You know, you're not intimidating them. I was there, you know, or maybe I could make like a cardboard sign

But I wouldn't be intimidating them But the do you think they fuck each other do you think it's like prison where they're like, dude I'm just fucking adults because I'm stuck in here. Yeah, probably one of them has to wear like the Dennis the menace mask I put the slingshot in my back pocket last night Yeah Fuck but yeah, so I went to the one dude. It didn't even exist. I went I went to the address and I'm like walking around I'm like, it's not here. Yeah, what the fuck so I'm like, you know I'll look into that later when I get back

But I went past the other one and it did exist and it was like it's just we it's so bizarre It's just weird old building went by a hundred times. It's a sad It's like an old carpet store that turned into apartments like four apartments It's just a nest of black pedophiles, it's mixed it's a mixed bag Really one the one near me was I was like seeing the address and I was like nest of R. Kelly These are all just incredibly talented singers There there's a lot of them on there then there was like their doo-wop group. Well, the address guys around like those cans with fire

Yeah They're just singing like Barney songs But yeah, dude, they're these are white dudes and I was like you know looking it was like strawberry mansion And I'm like, what are these honkies doing up in strawberry mansion? I was like, oh, these are the these are the white pedos. They just put them up in the hood I'm like, that's fucked up. That is fucked up and dude. They were they look like pedos You see them and it's like they look like bubbles from trailer park boys. Yeah, dude And I was I'm memorizing faces because if I see them, dude

Because there's the group of old black dudes that hang out next to my house. I'm gonna rise It'll be like we're all in cell block for dude. I'm like, yo get the fuck. I'm gonna rise up on him Yeah, the fuck out of here, bro. Yeah, your paperwork. Let's start checking paperwork in my neighborhood, dude That's why I shouldn't be coming out But yeah, sorry, I just No, that is I you know what? I think it's rules Intimidate the dog and pedo. I'm fine. That's the thing a lot of dog out a lot of them I'm scorned when I was checking the thing of the status absconded and it's like these you could probably find these guys in two seconds

Yeah, they're not the bright. They're not like criminal mastermind. Just put some bait out true True that like oh put gardenia Garden yeah, you got to catch one of these boys. You got to stop doing crossfit right now Keep you as a Little girl that's always outside helium like yeah There's like a little model or like a mannequin Scary

Like a kid model across like against one of those poles. Yeah terrifying. Yeah, dude the hunts on I'm not surprised to hear that there's there's like some false flags or false positives out there in the Pedophile, where are they some guy just getting their mail and letting them live wherever they want no But you know like like girls that listen to those like murder podcasts all the time Yeah, they they're all they're all in the citizen app do girls want to be murdered So I know and anytime you're like look you're not gonna be murdered They're like, oh really and they go there and it's like without without me So would you follow me home and eat my asshole and stab me in the back

But the citizen app is constantly telling you that someone's just got their head lopped off like two blocks away from you It's like there's that did not happen. You say that's bullshit Because it's all other It's like QAnon it's like It's girl QAnon The citizen app is definitely a girl QAnon Just false rapes And some guys just followed me

Kind of like on citizen app just leaving false positives. Yeah Yeah, he's just trying to get people to like yeah, some guy followed me They're trying to lead them down channels. I feel like don't go here. Don't go here Yeah, well there's a dating app hinge where you can like connect with people you walk by Is that how hinge works? Yeah, you can start like chat. You start like charting chicks like It's like tracking great white murder. Yeah, I Like to murder them murder a girl. Yeah, it's it's all my want to give girls what they want true You know, I mean dude, you ever play Assassin's Creed. Yes

I wonder if that's what it's like like after you kill them it goes into that like you have to jump through the marketplace Yeah, so after you kill them it goes into that scene where they're like Thank you You know like this is what I always wanted. Yeah, that's all they want either to be brutally stabbed to death post-coitus post-consensual coitus Or to get super fat That's it to get super fat girls all want to get super fat Why literally not one girl wants to get super fat. They fight against the urge to get super fat

They're not allowed to be super fat, but they all want they deeply desire to be super. No, they love sweet treats But they don't want to be suit there. It goes against super fat They're not allowed to be no hard that is it's all they want to do and Nate that they're innate status is just get as fat as possible This is this is the no-fap version I mean they love treats they love treats they love wine they pretty much hate exercising That's when girls turn up the juice on exercise. Yeah, me too Most people do yeah, I just don't eat for like three days. I'm like, I'm done I'm so sad

Dude, I was getting on the I think when I was we're going to Austin. I was getting on the plane and There's these three. There's a lot of bachelorette and bachelor parties going there and there's three ladies the one the one girl goes I Brought workout clothes. We're like waiting to get we're like in that little tunnel thing waiting to get on She got brought in the girls like what I would have brought workout clothes when I tell me to bring her up She was like, I just hate my body right now. Oh No, we love your body. It's like totally. I was like, we love they're just hammered dude No, they weren't even drunk. They had to be you think so that's what our parties. They love getting hammered the fucking

She's crying about working out in the tunnel She had two wines at TGF Oh Just that set up I brought workout clothes. I might start doing that. She was like with you and me are hanging out I brought workout clothes, it's like clearly she wanted to talk about how she hated her body Yeah, why don't you tell me I would have totally worked out with you. Do you think the girls demand that she produced those workout clothes? What do you mean to see if she was faking it just oh, no girls. No, they probably just assumed. Yeah, they're all lying They're living a world of lies

Eventually I got to the bottom of it. I was you know, it was kind of slow going and the she was like They're like, what's the matter? She's like, my mom just called me fat Fat every summer so parents do yeah Moms are on the lookout. They know what the daughter wants. They're like, dude I know we all want to be fat as hell. You can't it could just be now I think you're wrong about this and I don't want you to take this the wrong way Sure, I think it's because you have a long history of dating minorities. I think in the end they get Don't want you to take this the wrong way

But I've noticed they do turn into big mamas The Lasses also pump out Italian ladies I tell you ladies do turn into fat So so far, yeah, that's fair enough Indian ladies Indian ladies stay skinny Sometimes dude do that. I think so they can go well if you make any out if you make enough money your wife will reach full She'll self-actualize. She'll self-factualize It happened I decree in boss, dude. He was pissed his wife's wife at his wife actualized

He's your woman tend to sit stay skinny there, dude Well, he was but he was boss level and he was around snacks So she sat and it was a beard distributor Yeah, so she sat around chips all day and he would like to stainfully watch her eat chips and be like what is that? He was like the one time My brother showed my brother his penis and he went My wife is a too fat about that Fucking Tina's nestled in a bush bush. Yeah, this went like this. Whoa. What the fuck Asian can't get too much power power

Fuck I can't get power sometimes Start hitting an armpit or something threw a coffee at her one time With in the mugger out the spray like don't get down a soft cup They had a box. Oh, Joe. What are you throwing for I just came into the office saw it on the wall and saw her just doing like And then I walk in I was like, what's up Kim? You bet and the guy was like, oh, no, no, no, no, it's number one man I was like no, no, no, no, no, and she just like walked out holding her arm

And there's a coffee lines running down the wall and I came in I was like, oh shit He just fucking scalded his wife. I saw her eating another treat. Dude. He was bitching about it He's dipping doughnuts in it. She was crushing the hers dude the curves man would drop like Dumbo drop He was just Crushing him and he was just thinking about the power dude He's lost his power and their dog breaks. They are your treats. They're gonna munch on They're in the trash can nibbling

It's a top movie. Oh, what's that? Oh, what's this? Oh, it's a fucking brownie. You've seen these. Yeah. Oh, I've never had one of these It's cake Yeah, of course you have yeah, do you know what they like they like those Starbucks fucking cake bites? Oh, man It's just they just crushed on like I'm not judging anyone from what they munch, but they'll put the ones on the straw Yeah, yeah, those are good star Starbucks is definitely taking advantage is that they make just like delicious like milkshake drinks They're like, no, it's coffee Yeah, that's coffee. That's a fucking yeah, yeah, yeah drinking every day they sneak the fat in Sugar smuggle it bullshit Starbucks is awesome bullshit, but so you know like Starbucks

I don't like what they're doing to our sweet babies, dude I thought they wanted to get fat. You should support Starbucks. I look dude. I want but they can't in this world We're in dude. They're not allowed to they're not allowed to I Wish they you know, I wish them the best. I you know, I support them in what they want to do I'm more of a feeder. Is that what you think what? I look I've witnessed Nevermind. I'm not gonna talk shit. You're a feeder. No, I was I was saying it'd be funny if after I did Rogan I just started acting like

Is that really? Are you being serious? Oh This world is a week-long swirl I dude Matt a week-long swirl Reliving it. Oh, I was so much like the special went great. The podcast is what fucked me up I was nervous about them special and it was funny too because it Ari and I stayed at Tim Dylan's place, so For like a week. I was like, I'm not worried about this podcast at all Like I've talked about the SNL thing a thousand times. Yeah, I'll be fine

Dude as soon as I got in that room swirl city Dude, I it was a swirl dude. I got in there you get Tested all that you got to sit there. I was swirling about that. I was like, well, I probably fucking have it now Did you get vitamins? Yeah? That's another thing I was on a cocktail wild shit I got the JRE dude. I had the full experience Came in it had was espresso's is drank it. You're like, is there weed so I took a COVID took a COVID test Then he comes in and he takes a COVID test and then the nurse starts like flicking a needle for like some type of vitamin

cocktail what and Retain a nurse. She's like, do you want one? I was like, yeah I'll try it. I just took a fucking dead arm for like three days Intramuscular is an intravenous killed bro. What it killed. Did it go right into your muscles? Yeah, I had a dead arm the whole Jacked up on some B12 wild shit. It was dude. It was the ultimate swirl It was a complete swirl just get in there and just get like needles Yeah, it was funny too because I was like, I'm not getting vaccinated Then some lady was like, do you want a shot? I was like, yeah, sure if Joe's getting one. I'll try one

I'm as well. I'm your Joe are such good friends now Fuck dude, that's so funny. Yeah, your heart's just pounding through your And like two espresso's dude, it was nuts. Oh my god. It was chaos. Dude. That's like a break. That's like a stroke I How confuses your body to get more vitamins than it's ever Let's get all this beer your body's like, what are we doing? Why is your adrenaline spike? And I did I got in there. It's just I mean as soon as I walked in wearing gym shorts and that polo

I was like, what the fuck am I doing? Like an ass that fucks me up. No question my wardrobe. Good night, dude. I couldn't be happy Insisted I wear the polo the drip ruled you made the right decision. It's just takes a lot of fortitude to withstand He questioned the drip right away. No, look at Jamie like after he made fun of me looked over Your dress like a jerk No, that was very funny, I let's that was very funny Be like, no, it's a drip and he's like He was like Jeff cabs are cool

No, that was funny, that was very funny. Here's the best part so we get done. I I was swirled Yeah, I was genuinely like as soon as we got done. I was like what the fuck Just happened. It's three hours. That was so I might have I was like that's the worst fucking thing I've ever done And then he's like you want to play some pool? Studio I was like, I don't really play he's like come on Just proceeded to destroy me and pull just I couldn't hit the ball I like missed the ball once yeah, and then and then I kept asking I was like which Like what shot should I take? I never play pool when he goes pulls a tough game Shane Gillis

Perfectly you just like running like one just playing by himself pretty much. Yeah, yeah Myself he just was using me to like make the shots more difficult. Did he ask you to break? Every time you gonna break or like when it's like roll the ball with our hands break. I fucking hate breaking dude. Yeah Yeah, you should see him break I was coming off a swirl Ears are Competitive pull dude when I said I talked to learn Michaels and I said I'd go on Joe Rogan and he was just like What do you mean dude full?

Ears ringing dude, what did you mean by that? What do you mean? What what did you mean by that you don't trust people dude? Let's start from the beginning so I auditioned for It does sound fine though, that's the thing okay, but it's in your own head It's like just know that in my head that whole time. I was like stop. What are you doing? There was a time just doing this podcast I like stuttered twice in a row and then try to explain something realize I didn't understand what I was talking about

And I was like I went home to bring I was like fighting with Brittany I'm like I think I fucking lost my mind on the podcast never figured out and I watched it It was absolutely nothing. Yeah, which is me being a psycho in my head. Yeah, dude I got one of the nights this week I tried to go to sleep and I couldn't because I was like that podcast is coming out this week And I'm gonna look like a fucking fool in front of everyone It's fine. How hot was your face when he didn't laugh? Yeah, just oh I can feel it

I can feel it right away. Just like a blood rush face Smiling smiling dumbly while you're falling apart just your ancient nervous system being like what is this? We're doing here. We're so vitamin Duff. We're stimulated. Yeah, and just this is we're having a horrible I just thought I just should have never I Thought I could discuss the SNL thing properly. I should have just been like Yes Yeah, it's not the end of the world. I'm just get it. It's totally fine. I am just a gay man

Dude, the special was fun though special was great. Yeah, that was cool. That was awesome Do you get a little getting little I haven't seen it nice hopefully it comes out well though Yeah, it looks amazing both you guys crushed the night. I was killing. Yeah Appreciate you push me on that I would never done that. Yeah, I'm gonna pass No, Jerry, you should start headlining. Okay. I'm excited. I did I fucking every day I write all my material down. I just to make sure I remember I have fucking nervous dreams about dude I have a recurring dream. I go up and I just go And I have no idea what I have

Once a week, bro, I have that I'm constantly what I fuck up do it because it used to be football It used to be like I forgot my helmet. Oh Now it's I don't know what I'm saying dude. It stinks. Yeah, it's genuinely straight. It's physically stressful I wake up from it. I just go out. It's like it's always some weird setting and I go out And it's like I was on like a marina on like an L-shaped doc and I'll always be like to start bullshitting Everyone just gets up and leaves and I'm like Wake up as a bro. I have that and I've a recurring dream now The last three weeks. I've had it twice where I'm breaking into a house same fucking house

Let's walk around in there. It's probably a pedophile nest. It could be dude. You might be yeah, dude I might run up in there. I might I might part down the middle, dude Walk in if you go into somebody's room, they're gonna be like they're gonna wake up out asleep. Oh, thank God For what for you climbing into their bed? Oh Are you gonna kill them? No, just fucking lump them. What do you mean? I was fucking lump them up. Are you serious? No, I don't say I'm not gonna attack you seriously do that. I just want to establish a present So I want to go out there and just be like Love my kids, dude. Oh, I don't know what I would do if someone did something heinous to my children

Man, I thought just fucking bothers me. Yeah, it's up, bro Sure are funny bunch of funny-looking fellas in the house. What do you have to do in there? Especially once you find out someone's a pedophile there look True like if somebody told me Chris was a pedophile like I see it No, I'm just saying that could be anybody you can morph any face into a pedophile for sure for sure Do they have like a foreman do they have like a guy who watches do they have like a I don't know. Yeah, do you ever see the fucking guy who lives in that's not a pedophile I think you have to have that by law. Yeah, just a straight-ass fucking dude who loves fucking of age pussy

Just playing Baywatch be like, come on guys Get sucked into their world like avatar. He's like I've lived with them. They're right I Can't send like a crippled soldier in there. Otherwise. I'll just be like every day. You must be like, all right What do you guys want? We're gonna go out tonight. What do you guys want to do? They're all like chocolate cheese No, we're not gonna Know Dave and Buster's this week We like the games. No, you don't do dude. Oh my god. I was in the public pool

That's why I'm wearing all pedophiles dude. I went in the public pool dude It's I would swim away from Brittany and Maya I would get like six feet away and just be a dude by myself in the public pool and be like this is a bad Look, I told you dude. I swim at hotels dude. I can't go in. It's tough. If there's a family I get out Yeah, you do the right thing. Yeah, you look like a fucking maniac dude. I don't swim. I'm just sitting there like floating around Yeah, man. Well, you also You also get like a There's little kids are running around fucking bumping like they get like up in your face

So you have to just like constantly be swimming away from like 11 year olds and then there was a dude a couple weeks ago Dave temple is here talking about like we're like he was talking about PDA And he was like saying how like it has to be learned and like young people don't know it and I was like, dude Black teenagers might be the most PDA heavy like dude. I'll go there'll be like the right aid near my house And they're like 13 year old black couples are just like completely entangled really they just dude There was a couple in the pool this guy. I was like why the boys are in strawberry mansion Probably they're like we hit the mother love Dude, I'm telling you I've seen little kids. I was in a charter school

Dude, they leave for break and they just fucking just like grab each other because black kids are becoming emo There was a kid in the pool It was probably 13 or 14 the whole time gripping his bae and I was like it holds inside my head I'm like this kid's fucking rock hard. Oh, yeah It's Britney was like all young love and I'm like this kid's fucking What a nice feeling that is too When you're a young kid, you're in the pool holding a lady and you're just digging a boner into a chick's bathing suit That's so I'm in the pool. I get five feet away. I see the young couple

We gotta get you in that house Now he just brought me back. Oh, it's nice being a kid I was genuinely this yeah girls finally breaking out bikinis in like seventh eighth grade. It's like the second Dude the second time you're like pressing up against another human body. It's it's like mind-blowing. Dude. It's the vitamin shot Dude, you start fucking Someone's like, what are you doing in there? Dude, Britney was like, it's so cute and I was like this kid's heart

This kid's obscenely hard right now and he's five feet from us. We gotta move. He might just He might have that's like a third of the pool. You gotta clear out. There's so many jizzes there life cards everyone out There's it's so funny is there's a lifeguards there and they're like the whole time they just rotate and there's like Four like eight-year-old black kids that pester them in the entire time. They're like, see how long you hold my breath You ready to count you ready to count they go under they come up buying lifeguards. Oh my god. It's so funny They come up and dude The lifeguards are just like, yeah, great. I'm going back down. They're just like

So funny that's what I was doing all weekend. Were you really awesome with you guys? I was like watch I go down back down. No problem. That was pretty nasty. We got to discuss Beezer What I broke the news on war mode that he can't swim Beezer might not be able to swim What he won't swim parents have a house at the shore. That's his argument We went there That's his alibi. I don't remember him getting in verbatim Dude, we were at the beach that entire day me and Shane blacked out But I don't remember him getting in the water. I remember him hitting what maybe like ankle deep water

Did he will none of us swam it I jumped I think I went no, I mean I'm saying when we were down in The water was too cold. It's oh That's another excuse to use. Yeah, but it was it was March. No, but there was really nice days and we went out in it Did you swim? It wasn't yeah, did I go in? Yeah, we all win it You and I went in like every day We came out so everyone down there this was like march Yeah, so everyone who actually lives down there like it's big down there Couldn't believe what we were doing. Oh, that's right

And Shane and I would walk out of the water and they'd be like, where are you guys from? Canada or something? Yeah, yeah, like where are you guys from swimming in this shit? Beezer might be scrambling our minds and we're around bodies of water because you don't remember swimming I've only I've only seen something dude. He's he just puts his feet in the water Yeah, I'm telling you I've never seen no actually bees and I went bees and I bees are came in once okay But he's big news body surfed a little bit. Oh, all right. Was he on a boogie board? Oh, he's body No, no, he just straight up body surf. This is unfounded then. All right. Good. Good. But he didn't go in the pool He wouldn't swim now. Now it gets deep now. The issue is even deeper

What is can swim? But he's a salt water fish true He might be salt water, dude. He also might be there is actually very salt. You might have actually Yeah, he also may be doing that thing. What's it like when when babies can't walk on their own yet? But they like the glider whatever it's called. What's it called when they just like hold on to a table and then they like What's it called? Maybe does that all or something because he never went deeper than Beezer's gonna beat your ass for saying that. What? Call him a baby? I'm just saying he's got you just call him baby Why would you

You guys said he can't swim I said he can now it's just a little bit uses to swim and it's I think the fresh water theory might be the thing That dude that makes so much more sense because it was a salt water pool. He asked me a hundred questions about the salt water He's like, so like what does it do? I'm like nothing. It's just a little bit What chemicals exactly are in this? Dude, he asked me I'm Tony. He's like Does it help this does it do this? I know who knows how old he is If you ask him one day, he's like 5,048

That's why he loves DMT smokes DMT and like he's like he talks to his friends like the earthlings are treating me well Yeah, the earthlings are pretty cool Yeah, it's like what's superman's fucking place he goes to Yeah, yeah, dude. He's like goes to crypto. Yeah, what's that? It's just fortress of solitude, dude He smokes DMT and fucking he gets transported by Jarell. Kyle is an alien I don't think I saw her in Austin I don't think I saw her I I saw her for one second I put bees in the contact with his ancestors in Austin, dude

I fucking gave him some kush and he just Oh, yeah, these are guys he got glued to his chair. I got stoned as fuck God this weed was so fucking strong. So I love that's a little guilty pleasure mine I love getting like extremely stoned and then closing a comedy show. I love it. You get high and you say good night everybody I'm always like god bless you guys. I love That was the first time I did Molly was I closed that one show At helium

Really? Oh, fuck like the time it hit and then jay was like come out here. That was the first time you did it Actually, no, we did it. We did it. Lewis's thing, but that was the first time and It was the first time I did it. Yeah publicly and it was Yeah, I love you guys. Thank you guys so much. Thank you. I'm so high. It's fun You don't got to do anything. You said to go out and say hey guys. Thanks Yeah, my boy was showing me some purple Molly the other day Second he showed it to me already. He's like showed it to me three. He's like, do I talk about my Molly? She's like check it out. I see it. It's purple purple

Dude, he loves it. He's a Molly's good, bro. We're hitting the clubs. Any of my people are gonna hit the clubs I should have you want to make sure it has no Stimulus. Yeah, you gotta you gotta get to it. You gotta do it with jay and his Flock of evil. He's let the evil hippies take it first. Yeah and observe true But that's like dude my stimulus people will be like, oh, yeah, it's fine. It's like I'm talking like I can't have coffee It's like I can have it. It's just a very unpleasant experience. It never has been a stimulant for me. Really? I don't know. I remember like when I took it at I took it that like two weeks later after you took it and like I had to leave healing immediately

When I walked home in the cold and I felt like I was could feel my like bones cracking. It was like nuts Yeah, it was crazy. I just it was nuts and then I finally like got into apartment and I was just like, oh nice And just like put on tv and was like, this is the best It is the best. I'm excited. I'm running under the sheets and shit. Oh, that's my that's my one concern, dude I do not handle stimulants. Well, I hope I hope that's crazy. Stim it. You would have I'll fucking die dude. I gotta get you one of those b12 shots and some b12 espresso dude a nutritionist gave me b12 and I looked at the bottle is 24th They give you like 24,000 percent of it. I'm b12. I'm low in b12. What does that mean 24,000 percent?

It's just it's 24,000 of the daily recommended dose but you pee it out So they're like, let's just cram as much of this into you as possible. Let you just pee it all out Okay, can your body only absorb so much or can it pretty much? But it'll like they try to It's like depending on how bioavailable it is. So you can give someone 24,000 of it But like how much is your body actually gonna absorb? Yeah, and dude, they don't really fucking know You know in terms of like is that really 24,000 percent for you? Is that 12,000 percent? But I don't like I don't like shots. Yeah, I don't like needles dude. No, I don't mind needles I just don't like the idea of shooting myself with beats. I'd rather take a Flintstones

Yeah, vitamin. Yeah, I think yeah, I think you're yeah in good company Yeah, Flintstone candy I don't have a delicious treat that had my flesh pictured Oh speaking of dude, I have terrible news for the listeners. What I got the vax dude I forgot dude Welcome I'm officially a fucking liberal fucking cock dude. Well, you did it for work. I had to do it. You had to do it

Finally, you're like a trash man. Finally a comedy club demanded. I get the vax. Yeah, it's bullshit, bro I lasted as long as I could You'll be fine. Yeah, I know it's cool too Now that you have it for real you can just tell everyone you have a fake one just to fire them up And then hit him with the real deal. I'm like you guys are fucked up. I still gotta get the second shot I don't know about that. Yeah the booster. I don't know about that. You can hold off. You can you can you got some time Yeah, you got to wait. What like three months between them or something now one days. What 21 days? Yeah Why is that?

No one knows how any of this works and everybody talks about it with complete certainty That's why do you have to wait for your moon phases for the fucking dirt? I don't understand like what how like if you have it If you've had it And your body has the immune Response yeah, they're like people don't know how long why does that only last Why does that last less long the vaccine? I don't they're like we think that it we yet We think it does very well against the variants. That's all they say

Dude, they just want 70 of people to do it. So they get their market cap and then they go sweet mission accomplished Yeah, they're making kids wear the fucking mask now in school. They're going to do a thing and dude when they called Uh, did I talk about that when they called britney's mom and we're doing like uh, They're asking her questions like a telemarketer I don't know if I talked about it before. Yeah, I talked about a while ago And they were like, how would you feel about mandating it for children? And she was like, uh, I don't really know You know, I don't really you know, I don't really know what's up now I think there's pretty small is like taking those phone calls and dude. She sat there for a half an hour. I was like, what the fuck

Immediately hang up. Yeah, I I would but yeah, honestly, I think she's old. She doesn't have like twitter or instagram So she's just like, oh, here's something to do. Well, there's people, you know She like believes in like the civic structure of the country. So she was like, it's just important I got to tell people my information. I do too, but also like I'm uh, my time Have you done jury duty? No, no, no, did you go? No, I don't say you've absconded But yeah, dude, the uh, but they're gonna start giving them to the kids I think 12 and older and if you don't get the vax, they're gonna make the kids who aren't vaxed wear a mask to school That's where it's like, all right, you guys are being evil now

Because statistically you're not at risk like well, they could transmit it to an adult It's like dude, if you're an adult scared of kid viruses You're a pussy. You're gonna make kids be like Wear shit on their face. Well, now the reason they're doing that is because they are saying Kids can get the virus and it can mutate in kids like they'll be fine, but then they'll create a noose I don't dude. They don't know. No one knows. That's like marvel. Who wrote that Stanley I think I think the teachers are gonna be the the unsung heroes of not going back into quarantine I think every teacher I've talked to is fucking done. Oh, it's wearing a mask

Thanks, dude. You've got to wear one 10 hours a day face shield. Yeah, it's just like they're like fuck this and a cake And it's like You're like In the back just like you bitch Bitch Oh, fuck they learn how to do it without the mask. Yeah. Oh fuck. Yeah, that's a miserable Just makes life miserable to have a thing over your face, especially with little kids. Yeah, how shitty is flying? Oh, you gotta wear a mask the whole behind my ears. That's actually the problem. Yeah

Chafes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, dude federal mandate in the train station today. I rode the train with spud today Oh, spud's up here. Yeah, some dude came up. He he he went up to like like the Adirondacks were not the adirondacks, but like Poughkeepsie or whatever he visited his mom But he he took the train together dude was tight. We sat business class But they were like federal mandate and dude nobody gives a fuck There's one guy got on and he was like, can you guys please pull your mask off for me? Please. Thank you Ryan it was like tears. Yeah, dude those guys I always hit the cafe car We were in business class. No, cafe car is better than bit. Well, it depends. So you can have a treat

You can just keep it down. Yeah, and you can you can just put your legs up on the bench But every once in a while the guy walks by and he's like put your feet down. It's like, it's not your train It's back off this guy also this guy was an Amtrak employee. He was like an off duty Amtrak employee He couldn't turn it off. Dude. He was like guys, could you please lift him up? Yeah, dude We're having a good time. I have a bottle of water Yeah, but they can place you on a do not fly list Do not train list. They do not train. Do not fly if you really make a stink

They can be like you're banned from travel besides a car I'm you know, I'm kind of nervous dude because I don't know how much longer I can take this shit Dude on the flight down I go I rock the nose, dude. Yeah, sure. That's silent protest. I hit him with a freedom schnaz, dude The lady's like can you play or you do the fake sleep? You just go with the schnaz out, dude They got to wake you up and you're like, I'm gonna start doing that wake up like Yeah, just scare him like oh Jesus Christ. Yeah, man, that's the uh That's the that's the situation dude, but then you can eat a snack It's like yeah, you can take it down to eat or eat your snack for an hour fruit snacks, dude

Yeah, well, they snacks have to be in a box now What well then yeah, you get boxed snacks now get a bottle of wine get one of those mid-sized bottle of wine And then you can drink it the whole trip and you're technically snack. You probably get bombed on planes They don't serve alcohol on planes. No, I try I got bombed on a plane once Same and uh, you got to just get up to piss. I forgot how much after pee. Yeah. Yeah, it's just like you guys shit on planes No, but I'm getting close dude. I wish it on a nice dump. You would shit on a plane I have shit on a plane and I wish it's You must have just destroyed a plane one hundred percent. Oh, dude. I took a nice

I took a nice dump on the plane. How nice did you watch it flush? Did you keep the lid open to watch it flush? Hell yeah, that's I've always dreamed of that dude. I'm telling you take a nice watch it slide down Here's what you do. I've let a fart out Oh, you're such a piece of shit dude. I let a fart out on one of the planes coming back from Houston or whatever And uh, I was like, you know, we're packed and I'll get away with this. No problem It was too intense You could see all the heads you have dog for the blast radius turn in the second. Yeah Chris suffers from dog farts

It's fucking disgusting. I've never been around someone that farts like dude The worst is when you fly when you have a bay and you're flying with her and she knows the smell of your farts Dude, every time she gets did you fart? I'm like It's we're on a plane dude, we can play so fucking do not fly. Let's do It's also like are we a team? Yeah, that's what I'm saying, dude You got to turn to me like someone fart. Yeah, or just fucking keep it a hundred dude Fucking don't say anything. I'll tell you what man me and anybody else is big out there We know the struggle dude some little o'conny some little o'conny shits his pants behind you

Everyone's looking at you. You just gotta be like it wasn't me You're like a fucking indian, dude. That's a 9 11, dude ever It's just a seek Because I'll I will let them rip if I see a sloppy guy around me. I will I will oh, yeah. Yeah, it's pin. It's getting pinned on him It's a perfect crap When you want to shit on a plane All you got to do is when the cart when the drink cart comes up You give it a little time

Then you get up so you get trapped back there and people are like no he was just stuck I do that to just stretch my leg sometimes Yeah, I'll let the drink cart and I just chill with the stewardess and I'm like I'm stuck and do they hate when you're up back there with them They do not like it. Yeah, but you're like, I can't do anything. I'm just gonna stand and relax and they're like Stewardesses or they're not getting any hero stat. They're you know, they're like sky nurses. I love tortoises. They're so fucking cute They've been dude. I I mean I hate when they come by and it's mostly gay guys. Honestly It is gay guys and they're cute and sweet though. It's gay guys and sluts. They're cute and sweet every time It's just like fucking angry gay guys now being like pull your mask up. Yeah

The one I had that was bad was air lingus. It was all irish workhorse sniz It's like put your trays up Oh my god, lady. He's telling you story adorn the announcements like and then there's a banshee in my backyard and it would scream at midnight Today's meal blood sausage Noise canceling headphones have been a huge victory for not listening to the announcements. Yeah. Yeah Remember like you there's no way you could get away from it before the tv would cut to the And you'd be stuck listening to be stuck watching some diverse cartoon about if the plane crashes Holy shit. Yeah

They love diverse cartoons when it comes to floating in the ocean after your planes crashed Hey, it's a good point. They should be you know, yeah, they got to take that moment to just represent everybody They should extend it and be like Here's how you survive and have like 10 minutes on surviving at sea True and what not to talk about. Yeah If you have to eat people true Go like you should go like they should go like four months into that. Yeah Like and if you have to establish a new law take the strongest among you

Yeah Halfway across the country They were saying to their like if you if the oxygen if you need oxygen remove your Covid mask and then put it on a dude. That must be so funny if someone's like I don't want Covid Flying straight to earth You're fine. Yeah, why don't they just drop the mask from the beginning now? Yeah, why can't we just ride it? Why can't we go to the oxygen bar the whole time? We're I'm gonna just be like, can I get some

Yeah Punch the roof it'll drop if you hyperventilate. They'll bring it. They'll give it to you. Oh, you're fucking yeah Just right when you sit down like adjust the ac thing and light off and on like three times then just Dude, that'd be a killer nap. If you hooked up to some oh and you're just It must feel good. You probably get off the plane and feel great. Yeah Do you remember the oxygen bar at the boardwalk? No. No, what is that? I do know what I know what it is Yeah, dude, they they were like trying to push oxygen as like a A light delirium you would go to that was like in high school. You go to the boardwalk and you could like chill and

They go that oxygen gives you a buzz dude. Yeah. Yeah, I've heard that's like fake Well, dude Like even when the dudes are on the sidelines or whatever Like that doesn't do anything for you. Really? Yeah Like like what the fuck do you know cuz I just I heard that from someone Fair enough that like that you're already like you can't take in any more oxygen than you're taking in Right now Yeah, dude, I was telling Shane I got like

I got nervous like we got back from the thing and then I was like chilling. You're still down in texas There was one night Where I don't know if I maybe I'd eaten too much chocolate and had a little caffeine in the system But I was I was restless. I couldn't sleep and I was like Dude, I'd be so nervous that you fucking I started thinking how nervous you would feel to do rogan and I just went like And I just got into like oh what happened was too. I did the podcast We're me and Billy and spud did the podcast. Yeah, I came home that night I had like podcast energy and I was like I'm on this new thing now where I don't give myself any little

Relaxers before bed. I just make myself fully wired lay in bed and close my eyes and just fully relax and think about nothing It's kind of tight, dude Because you eventually get good at just kind of like turning off your nervous system But I did not do so well that night. So I kind of I fell asleep like kind of revved up But I did not do so I got you like calm down. Yeah, I'm like a nervous state woke up nervous. It was like I was like different like dude I'll like put my foot against britney to like try to just get some form of I'm like

I just need to touch another human And I went to the bathroom my heart was pounding out of my chest and I was like Is this how fucking nervous she is? This is hell, dude. It was just like And it's late in bed. You got me at the right time. I was like, I'm gonna fucking kill it. No problem Dude, thank god, then I got in there Swirl city It was literally you remember that story The prince story from chappelle show. Yeah, he's like after he beat the hell out of us. Then what'd you guys do? He's like

He served his pancakes That was my pancakes. He just it's like after you bombed on rogan. What'd you guys do? He's just fucking killed me in pool Left How many rounds did you guys play I think three damn That would have been pulls a tough game. She didn't get less. I was just like, oh my god I'm an idiot. He didn't even tell you which ball to look at the cue or the where shooting No, and then one time he was like, no, that's an easy shot

You can get that because it was a straight line. Dude. He fucking spun it around the ball and hit it in I was like, did you spin that? It was like, yeah a little I was like, I you just saw me miss the ball. You know, I'm like, I'm a little drunk That's when the drip looked extra foolish Oh, that's when the drip was a good choice. The drip looked very foolish when I was standing there and Jim Schwartz had a polo missing the fucking balls Just looking like a big off Yeah, but it's like, dude, I thought every time I play pool, I'm like, I'm gonna start playing this and I'm like

I want to get good at this and I just go No, I don't No, it's only comes up at like when I go to my uncle Jimmy's house, we play parties and I'm like Yeah, that's how I feel about like bowling or something. Bowl once. I like bowling. No, it is. It's great But every time I do it, I'm like, you know, until the second frame when your arm's tired Does everyone want to quit? And I was like, yeah, let's quit That's how bowling goes every time. Yeah by the second game I get into that mode of just like little cousin mode where I start just like throwing wild balls

He even cares about the sport, dude Just fucking around Yeah, but again, it is important to for everyone to know that Rogues is the bro. Yeah king bro, dude I couldn't believe it. He might be the emperor bro. I couldn't believe it. He's wild. He should veil his face and just be Bro emperor. He is. What was it like going out and drinking with him? Where'd you guys go? Uh, we went to this outdoor bar. So we did that show with him Then we went to the outdoor some outdoor bar in Austin. It was great. And uh, But what was crazy is like

45 minutes after us being there like it got packed. Yeah word got out that the the emperor was out It's gotta be bizarre. Yeah, and it's just a bunch of new Oh, I mean, yeah, but then once people started coming over like drunk like, can I get a picture? It was like, all right We gotta roll out. We gotta get out. But he was it was literally it was talking to Matt Every conversation I had with him. I was like, I've had this He said, no, you just kind of smoke weed. You just got to get through it Like you're you're the he literally was that like I was like, I get too anxious. He was like, no, you got to smoke Yeah, once you get past the anxiety, it's great

And I was like, don't don't you feel like in your own head. He's like, I'm always anxious He was out at a party like I'm always in my own head. I was like, yes, dude, you rule Yeah, dude, that's that was making me laugh so hard. He's like, just get through the nerves, dude He said like 12 things that you've said That's why I was very like when I was thinking about you going on I was I would wonder how it would be too. I think it's too autistic dogs Think it's too autistic. It might be pure beta fish, dude. Yeah, just staring at each other. I like mushrooms, too Yeah, it would be fully like, what do you mean by that?

What do you mean by that? Whoa What do you mean by that? I would I would strictly study mind-blowing facts the entire I would try I'm right now. I've been Deep in comparative mythology and it's nothing but mindblowers, dude It's nothing but mindblowers. Yeah You start letting that go like ancient hunting tribes versus like oh my god cultivators and how their myths differ based on what they hunt and eat. Yeah, you guys would

That'd be nuts. I dip my toes in but I I can't dude I was I was thinking about you there. So they talk about how um Like those tribes that you know when they think about like Like Cortez going and like killing the Inca or whoever the minds and the fucking Incas and all that shit in the Aztecs Oh, that was so fucked up and like they were like, dude, the Aztecs had a ritual where they would uh Take the hottest chick like, you know of age And like the biggest babe and they had the corn festival where like they worship like maize they'd like oh, dude

This is like a gift from the god and almost every culture that plant stuff Has a thing about a god being cut to pieces and planted in the ground. That's how the coconut tree came out This is how made the same thing. Okay, but so they take a beautiful baby beautiful young lady, dude Hottest chick in the village they make her wear like this the clothes of like the corn goddess And it's like a three-day thing everyone fast for seven days They like bring the hot babe out. They're like check out this hot ass babe And we're like, yeah, that's the fucking goddess. Hell. Yeah. Hell. Yeah

Eventually do a big after seven days of fasting to give him a big banquet of like seeds and all this stuff And then at the end of it They're fucking cut the chicks head off in front of the whole village and then the high priest Buffalo builds her skin all just from her body the head just like goes somewhere And then he takes all of her body skin wraps it around himself And then puts on her clothes and walks around and does the rest of the procession So you're a fucking dude in this I feel like this is mostly to control the tribe You know the dudes will compete over a two hot chick and they kill her

Dude, well a lot of it too Their life was so entwined with violence because it you worship nature and like nature is very violent So these guys were like god thinks it's awesome when we just cut chicks hearts out So that's what was going on. Then you're some dude from spain you see this and you're like Fuck this. This is fucked This is so fucked up. Is this why all babes want to get murdered? Yes, dude Only the hottest chicks got murdered, dude But there there's these african dudes and like so there's like the difference between the people who are horticulturists have like this like

Kind of regenerative thing like dying and coming back. We're just looking at your dick pressed against that Dude, but I was a little kid in the back of a station wagon. It's fucking I'm the trucker behind So this is what made me think of you directly So and there's these african villages where like if the strict hunters had different mythologies They didn't have like an ordained priest class Would you bum your funny bone? First funny thing you've done

I couldn't think of a serious. I knew there was something there So there's this african village and they if you didn't get to like Planting stuff and growing and having like an ordained priest class. That's where like shamans came in and anyone could apply So you would just be like i'm gonna fast for seven days You could just fast as many places and they have american indians Well, some shaman places like you had had a descendant. That was a shaman, but you could just fast then be like I had these crazy dreams. They'd be like Sounds pretty fucking cool, dude

You're but you also had to do like a bunch of crazy rites of passage So it was just chaos, dude So like all they believed in was ghosts and life never ended You just died and then they're like anytime something bad happened. You're like dude that guy we like Murdered his village obviously tore my fucking ankle blah blah. He's a snake now But if there was a guy who was like a force of nature had a large personality They would die So like you'd be getting sick right and all of a sudden everyone would be like yo shane's getting pretty sick

His ghost is going to be a motherfucker So they would like pile rocks on the on the uh the grave or if someone was a big enough motherfucker When they died they'd burn the village down and run away So His ghost is going to be such a motherfucker. Yeah, dude imagine just maybe laughs so hard Just piling rocks on the grave. Like I hope this holds them. They had to do that The ghost can't get past the rocks. No, apparently can't just go sideways. They're very physical, dude Yeah, they're just like this will hold them back or you'd stomp on their relatives big don't come back, dude

No, there's a force like somebody with a strong personality just being like because you would come back and you'd be pissed Fuck i'm dead. Yeah, you start bothering people like fuck you, dude So bad shit were happening like fuck dude his ghost is here. There was native americans. Uh, that would like when they tortured people they would all What what the fuck it was in that Into the wild book. I think it was about like northeastern native american tribes would they would like catch these white guys Yeah, remember that story I told you they like the indians on the way to the Gauntlet were like say this. Yeah. Yeah easier on you and the guy was like i'll fuck everybody here I'll beat all your asses. He was just yelling that native american, but uh

They would like do the same thing like they would torture someone and then as soon as that person left They would go like hut to hut and each person would torture them Yeah, like you'd go into one room some old lady would just bite one of your fingers off What but then they would all hit sticks on their house where what they did was fucked up They were like get the spirits out get the spirit away. Yeah, they would all they all believed in that same the great spirit Dude, the apaches they were saying that was an apache. That's how the apache would become the medicine man At any point you could just have like wild dreams and you'd be like, all right I'm gonna go for my fast

There's the right of passage and you would go in a little tent for seven days And then you'd come out and be like this spirit came to me blah blah blah But a lot of them would cut their a lot of the apaches would cut their fingers off So you just cut a digit and there's a lot of apache like medicine men who only had enough hand action just to pull a bow back So that's all they would just have stubs, but they could fucking rip a bow. Yeah Wild bros dude. Yeah, I think I'd were done with that dude the stuff they were talking about I talked about a little bit on our patreon with billy and spud the shit they did and I think uh Indigenous people to Australia

Dude, they would take your dong and slit their first they would circ you and then they would slit up the backside of your dong And the idea was that you were supposed to the underside underside, dude It's called a sub incision. They would take the bottom. They first of all you would They'd put you in a hut for like seven days. This is just a sharpened rock. This is man. This is not like ginsu knife This is a sharpened rock And then you had to sit in a fucking hut for like seven days and you're drinking only like your uncle's blood But their blood was coming from their dick cut They'd open up their dick cut and they'd pour it in like a fucking

Like bowl and you were just drinking blood of your the blood of your uncles And then they would circ you once you healed they'd bring you back in front of your village And then a dude would slay down another guy would lay on him and you'd lay on like your like your second uncle And then someone would sit on your stomach and trap you That's when they take your dong and slit it up They give you the sub incision Then there was an older guy there who was like about 30 He was like healed up for years and he would go cut me down to the rate

Cut me down to the fucking base and they'd take his and open it and go all the way to the bottom. They're like And the idea was because there's how prevalent was ed in these I don't know dude, and if none of these dicks you made a noise. They would go to all your female relatives and slash your shoulders and their bellies Yeah, dude That's a nice thing is uh the native americans Dude, i'm telling you if while you were getting tortured you like yelled out your whole family was embarrassed forever They would fucking cut you they give you a little thing like pussy. Yeah Yeah, dude. I'm this shit. I'm reading is the craziest fucking stuff. Yeah, but you know who's really bad. Who?

the europeans Do you know who's the real bad guys in this? Yeah, I mean with what we know about childhood development now that can't have produced Well, the idea they were they're trying to minded individuals You got your dick slipped to get sub incised. Yeah, so you can look like the yeah They all the weirdest part was a lot of the myths start with like a Trans male who's like male and female adam. Yeah trans male He was male and female until they removed woman from him the iran to people

That's the Australian people who slipped their dicks up. They were trying to be like the like Like original mother man They all wanted so they wanted they wanted to like women could bleed and like the mother man had like a get big gash So they were like fuck did women have their periods? So there was apparently a big fuck you to win. Yeah, no big deal, dude My dick bled Nothing, god, dude, they had shit where like there was groups of dudes who would like who was the first person to like stop this the greece uh the europeans like hey, what are you guys doing

In africa, they had a thing where they they would have a dude rise up and be like hey We're done with that dick cutting thing people were probably pretty relieved people probably like all right If you say so, but you know i'm not i'm not scared of it But being the last dude up where they were like hey guys everyone knock that shit off like Yeah, but the the greece came down there was uh kings in africa Who would just get strangled every seven years and they knew it the priests would be like, yo, man You're the king. That was their terminal. Yeah, they come in they would just fucking strangle you to death and then they would Burry your corpse and then take your bones out and then hide your bones

So like same thing they didn't want like your shit to come back and fuck you up But the uh But yeah, dude the greece came down there was a king who the greece were like dude Fuck that you don't gotta get strangled you idiot. They're like for real like you could be king forever and you're like what? It's like fuck your priest. Yeah Pretty tight. Yeah It's very tight. Yeah, man. Dude the book is the it's the crazy. What books is uh masks of god it's the primitive it starts a primitive mythology then it goes to

His words not mine oriental and then Ramen's word Occidental it's like european i guess and then like the modern stuff. Is this joseph cambell stuff. Yeah, dude It's the sickest shit. Yeah, I didn't realize the fact that like people who a lot of the Myths that we have and all like the major religions are they come from like Agriculturalists and like the pagans. Yeah, and it's kind of like tied to that and differs from hunting stuff and you know pretty tight Yeah, but of course You know, yeah, but it's like the hunters that kane and able dude

Kane was a fucking his sacrifices were animal stuff ables were the plants and they're basically like this shit works That stuff doesn't knock it off. We can support a thousand people. We'll fuck up your 50 person hunting tribe But no, that's true. Yeah, I mean every single myth comes from another story Yeah, and it's like I mean the jesus you ever watched religious with bill mar Ever hear about sire's bro. Yeah, jesus's story was every single every almost every single Myth system of myth has a death and resurrection thing It's it's and they think it's based off and the ones that have it are the ones who are agriculturalists the hunters not so much They're just kind of like

And then I became a ghost and I just kind of do the same stuff and like there's no like next place Yeah, it'd be hard to it'd be hard to not believe in ghosts when you like, you know Someone dies, but you can still like see them and have dreams about them in your head And you don't know what the fuck that is. You gotta be like they gotta be alive somewhere That's what you'd beg your ancestors to do. You're like just come back in dreams, dude Don't come and fuck with us. But they would yeah, you could like picture them saying something in a conversation Yeah, well, they were talking about how those dudes back then didn't know what natural death was Like everyone, you know got either like fell off a cliff accidentally got eaten by an animal. It was murdered horribly

Yeah, I wouldn't believe it just coughed up blood one day and died I wouldn't believe it if I didn't you know, yeah, if everybody else didn't tell me about it I'm pretty sure I can't die You know what I mean? Most people believe something like that. I'm definitely gonna die I definitely do that with like cigarettes smoke like one cigarette and it doesn't kill me and I'm like I think I'm one of those people who just won't die. I'm an 80 year old guy. I think I'll drink it close today. Yeah Yeah, I'm glad you picked up smoking. No, I guess I'm glad everyone's gonna want to like quit like a year ago It's pathetic

It's not pathetic. I mean you could be doing worse, dude. What could be doing worse I take I take four or five days off here in there That's not bad. Yeah, I mean again, dude. I just drove past the house kind of like you could be up in there It's true a couple sigs But it's pure like yeah, it's it's at a point where I don't enjoy it Actually, it's just anxiety stuff. We're just like, I don't know where to be or what to do And I'm like, I'm gonna go stand outside and have an excuse. Good. You have that in your apartment In your own apartment. Yeah. Yeah

Yeah, yeah Well, it is that's that thing where it's like I should be doing something else and I'm not doing after a show It's nice. Yeah gives you something to go stand out for like a pig out on food After a show, I like to pig I don't know why I hope you go I hope you start doing the road and blow up. It used to be going to strip clubs by myself Now I just pig dude. I get done. I I get done a show and I'm like I used to be like I need to see girls now. I'm like I need to eat a meal. Yeah stat

What do you go with? Whatever's around, bro. Just anything. Anything I get my hands on I think I ate a baked potato in Harrisburg Just Trying to put some olive oil salt on it's pretty good Dude do the cartoon I know I know I do I do I like write it Yeah, you said the thing and then I and then I'm like tomorrow I'm gonna write more or keep working on it and then I

Yeah, and then I'm I panic and you watch me play video games. Yeah. Yeah, and then I'm like, yeah, yeah You need a handler, dude. Yeah, you can call it. You can go. I try to handle me takes it the wrong way Every morning. I'm like, all right, come on. Let's go. You know, get it. And I'm like, no, I just need to I'm thinking Yeah For months, I would pretend that I was like, no, I'm just gonna like lay and just like I'm gonna basically be meditating kind of thinking about Who's entering Nirvana? I'm the I'm the early bird in the house and I wake up at 11. Yeah, really?

Yes, I'll get up at like two days a week or like once early bird, dude Like 9 30. I'll wake up 10 a.m. I'll wake up I'm the early bird in the house and everybody the other two Constantly pretend they were already awake. It's my favorite. That's true. That's it. I never pretend that I was awake Yesterday I can't pretend. Yes Well today you kind of you're like I was up at 8 30 Well, you're embedded Like we had a nice little exchange this morning. I thought that was nice. Yeah, but I same thing with uh, tommy yesterday

Oh, yeah, it was like, what time did you go get the uh vaccine shot? I was like when I woke up. He was like, ah, I didn't see you. I probably saw I would have seen you this morning I was up this morning. I'm like, no, you weren't I was here. I was here. Your room's behind me. Yeah, I saw I saw nobody I was talking to gardenia. I've been on gardenia's ass, dude Why is he sleeping? I call gardenia. I call gardenia. Hit him at like 9 30 the other day or 10 o'clock. He's all What were you asleep? He's sleeping. What are you sleeping for? What time did you wake up? Look at me like 9 30

He had just woken up pretty good. If I woke up at 9 30, I'd be pretty arrogant Yeah, I got him. I heard the grumblies. Yeah, I tried to hide it from I take it. I don't you know, I don't get people shit for it I try not to I was a big early bird dickhead for it's so fun though. It's so much fun Being an early bird dickhead is the best. If I have to wake up for a flight, I'll call. I usually call you or billy It's the best. Like are you awake? But that's the thing to me like waking up at 6 a.m. Or 6 30 a.m. Feels Amazing. It's nice waking up the difference between between 11 and 3 is No, there's no that's a huge difference. I'm telling you not to me. I like I know there's a huge difference, dude

11's like 11's late, but it's still three's a whole lifestyle, dude Three's insane. Yeah, it's fucked up. I wake up Typically, it's sick if you do that typically at 10 a.m And then lay in bed and look at my phone until I have to pee nice and then I get out and go get coffee And then I played video games for four hours. Nice probably five or six And then go do stand up Start over That's not bad video games are almost cigarettes for shane where he'll be like he'll be playing one

Not working. I don't enjoy these I don't even enjoy the games anymore. Yeah, have you played ufc? Yeah, I've been whooping billy's ass in ufc I can't wait to fucking knock you out on my ground games nasty, dude. Oh, I take it You gotta stream that on twitter. Spud never saw you. Spud never saw you video games pass. Yeah, you never did He did call it. We were talking about it. It was like mad video games spaz. I was like mad video game spazs, dude What do you mean? When do you see me spaz? He said he When he saw you guys play video games, I probably lost billy was beef. Yeah, that's what I mean But then I ground him pounded him dude. I got and that's that's what

Dude, that's all I do is I go right for take. I just just takedowns. I pick wrestlers I just I get up. Dude. I actually billy had me in a submission. I reversed the submission. He didn't know it And he was like, yes, and I'm like billy. I just choked you out, dude He's like, oh, I bet he I he video game spaz is the hardest Like His video game spaz is like he'll scream and throw a controller and then it's funny. Yeah, your video games spaz you get that glassy-eyed like It fucks me up, dude

I hate it start thinking about the time I spent and then like all the other stuff I stink at I just remember the the first video games spaz was Ufc not a lot of people get under my skin. You got it. You got under my skin Oh, I had practiced that all day too. Yeah, you practiced all day That was back when I had a job and I came home from work I was getting beat at hl every other game I was getting beat at I'm like, I'm gonna get good at a ufc You know sneakily and then I'm like string. Let's play whoop my ass twice and I was like I start I started my video game spaz. I can't do video games. I can't do relationships

I'm going to bed I suck at marriage My video game spaz is relentlessly bitching about the structure of the game and the way it was built To the point where like I'm annoying myself with what I'm saying, but I can't stop. Yeah, you have very feminine Video game spaz. I've heard it you and Tommy. This is hard. Well, if somebody would get some ammo I Miss you guys playing that you guys got to play that dude. We miss it too. We haven't played in a while. It makes me happy Yeah, we play it onward

What's him and Tommy plays? It's so fun to come you gotta get in there with us man videos. I've seen so much fun Oculus is rule dude that little taste. I got up in the poke nose. I'm like, I like that dude It is when you're when you're in pig out on porn with that thing though, dude. Yeah, have you picked? Oh, yeah Ah, how dare you act like you're thinking about this How dare you lie to our face. It's a big it's a big, you know, I'm lazy It's a big to do to get it, you know, put the headset on and then you know, I've seen you put that headset on for hours Yeah, oh, yeah to play. Yeah, but you're gonna offer that feels like so you've done it. Oh, yeah

Yeah, that's all that's all Oh, yeah, that was an experience like it's very immersive. It's really done just on my phone and like moved around and been like, whoa Oh, yeah, it's so you can just go. It's nothing. Yeah, the phone's got nothing on. Yeah Yeah, that's tough. It's it's crazy that combined with an autoblow. That's like That's like goodbye. Yeah, that's like bed sore stuff. That's too much That's too much work That's too much work. Can you bring an autoblow into a hospital? What can you bring an autoblow into the hospital? I don't see why I have to be able to I think you should. Yeah, just put it as like a put it in a flower pot

Bring it to somebody that's laid up and there's all kinds of machines making noises in there. Anyway, you get good coverage Can you can you also get sex workers at a retirement home? They got to get called there. Yeah, I don't know. Will you just put them on the visitors list? True. Yeah, just have them go dance. Dude. I'm You have no idea. There's probably a lot of people ordering hookers and forgetting they ordered them. True. Who are you? Get out of here. Not gonna fuck you. You're my daughter or something. Dude, by the time we get stranded in nursing homes They're gonna be tight. I've been saying I've been harping on this forever. You think so? Yeah, they're gonna be so good, dude

Video games. I mean, that's what they think. The geysers that are in there now are like Bitches everywhere Putting in yellow. Yeah, that's a fair point. Yeah, no matter what when you're geyser when you're in an old folks home You're like, well, yeah, they got every Pat Conroy book ever printed Every tv guide so many legal thrillers in here, dude. Oh, they love legal thrillers Mom's love legal thrillers, dude. Fuck. Yeah, that's because that's exactly the same thing. Moms didn't have netflix murder docs and Podcasts. That's all they had. They have to read. It's the archetype, dude. John Grisham Law books. It's gonna happen. Yeah, it's gonna happen. This guy and over dude

They're they're just putting porn on netflix now. Did you ever see the show called love slash life sex life sex slash life? Yeah, I walked in Britney was watching sex slash life and I'm like, this is porn. You're watching a porno Yeah, it's just a girl like getting fingered. You watched that christopher by yourself. I did. I watched What how'd you like it? Someone like someone was like you need to watch this. It's good. How what a lady? Yeah, and uh, it's just porn Uh, it's worse lady was telling you to watch the sex show. Yeah, did you What now was there like a mind of me of us were you like, all right, sorry I was trying to spice it up a little now. Why did she tell you to watch it?

There was there was uh, there was a girl who was like drunk at one of the shows that was like You gotta watch it like no We took advantage of her tv recommend. I I was like, all right, I'll watch you. She's like, this is what women want And I watched you talking about sexual stuff with this junk girl No, she just was just vomiting this. It was like a movie. It was like a tele tv show Movie discussion. Is that true? What? Fuck you up

She was drunk and you were just kind of more or less being like, yeah We got to get you a cab get you out of here your older brother's dad Is and she was like, I just want some guy to fucking choke me and touch my butthole Well, we got to get you home. That's what this whole this whole movie is the show is literally just a woman who's getting everything She's like got like a rich husband who's like taking care of her. He's a great dad Yep, doesn't fuck up and she's like, yeah, but he won't like Choke me and like, you know demean me. Why are they pushing that on women, dude? It's like Okay, do women actually like that? So yeah, dude

I only run into a couple we build it into society and they got out of it. Now. They're like call me a slut and choke me It's like we were doing that already. Yeah, you trapped you in the fucking house Yeah, we were like if you got out of the house, we would have choked you but get in there slut They're like, oh Fuck someone The fuck's my dinner. Yeah. Yeah, they got out of it. They got sigh out of it. Now. They're like, I don't know I just want someone to demean me. I went to someone to just lower my station. Yeah, they're like, yeah Oh, that reminds me there's the kind of people who like if it. Yeah, it's like when I was a kid

And it's like when you like try to play video games or just make everyone in your team 99 It's like no you gotta have You gotta have you can either run the football you can pass that's why I'm not liking these video games Dude, I keep winning Yeah, really be challenged. I need a challenge bro step in the octagon, dude. I'll take you to the ground It's gonna be a Askardini askardini would house his ground game. Gardini. You see me wrestle. You see me on the ground Shane's got a good ground game, but he's got nothing on the feet dude. All right, so this is what happened

I haven't played ufc and at this point Yeah, that's all I'm playing yesterday. I'm playing too much and yeah, I had to buy it after that I haven't played this game in like two years one. Yeah. Well, this was the last one. Yeah So Gardini comes over. He's like, I play this uh, I play this game at home and my parents watch me play it and uh He's like, I'm really good at this video game. I play it all the time So I was like, all right, I'll play you in it and standing game. He was fucking me up. Yeah Took him to the mat. He doesn't know the buns Every game I just beat the fuck out of him. You get how do you feel about that? You're gonna play video game spaz

I spaz on video games a lot. Yeah, he video games spaz He didn't know the button It's so hard and I was he's got to hold up and say what you mount up and then you start teeing off I was like, you know, see he's a difficult game Dude, we should go to page. Yeah, let's switch over to the patreon. Uh, thank you for listening. Yeah, dude. Sorry. I got the vaccine You just got on the inside. I had to do it, dude. You're only half right now Between worlds or did I? No, I got the fuck

Oh, I think about now is guys butts It does turn you gay. Oh dude for sure. I keep thinking I'm breathing. You're shedding me the spiky boys, dude I've been dude. I just keep thinking about kissing my buddies, dude It's like I'm like I'll be thinking then all of a sudden there's a just like a spaz of guys butts I'll be sitting here thinking So cute and old Fauci is cute. I got my fouchy ouchy Dude, let's switch over September 22nd, dude. Oh, yeah Get over there. How about this weekend come to laf Boston? Yeah

And then the next weekend come to the Pittsburgh improv And the next weekend Racha, I should have taken some fucking time off Rochester, New York. I'm done with my fucking act. Do you have it? Do you have a little uh? You're a little gapped on you know, no, I thought I did I added here. Let me do the dates Yeah, do all the dates. Yeah, you want to come see me Except 20 second, dude. Except that's the big show, dude September 22nd is the big show. Are you booked November 22nd? No pressure. No pressure. Yes. I'll be at the moon tower comedy festival

All right, good. I want someone I can lure it over. I was like chasing a fucking bear in me You're like, I'll open I was like, that'd be cool Dude, no curse words. It'd be so Get gardenia gardenia Yeah, it's gonna have just get a marin gardenia be a squad getting eight Marshall. Fuck both of my boys might have some stoner dad's Dude, we'll say July this weekend laf Boston Next weekend Pittsburgh improv Weekend after that comedy at the Carlson. I think that's in Rochester, New York

Then Zaney's Nashville the 12th 13th and 14th of august Then the then the stress factory 19th 20th 21st in New Jersey. Oh, nice. Then I'm off. When are you off? End of august. Nice. I told you. Oh, yeah, because I had to cancel Canada because I wasn't gonna get the vaccine Oh, no, now I had to get it Damn, yeah That'd be so hard not to go Canada. You also have to like Stay in a hotel for two weeks or something. I'd like secretly cancel that

I think cuz I don't want people to know I wasn't getting the vaccine true. Yeah At least now you don't have to worry about it. Yeah, fuck it. Now. I just have to have a fucking heart attack soon Possible enlargement of the heart, but you should be you're slightly out of that demo But the blood clot that's headed my way to be coming. I don't think that's a Pfizer problem. Is it? Yeah, they are you chris What the fuck do you know? Get the vaccine We were talking about this I was like 42 percent of people have got Matt. Did you catch the NBA finals? No Oh, yeah, who won? I don't know. It was in a group text. I guess

The Rockets. Yes. Really? Yes Fuck yeah, dude. Yeah, the Rockets one and uh A tentacumpo. He's the best player at Giannis the tentacumpa. Really? Yeah, and he's got to go to the white house And Joe Biden's gonna have to say his name, dude You guys do great. Giannis the tentacumpo. I don't know why he's Bill Cosby, but yo free my man He's out dude. He's not gonna. All right. We gotta go to Patreon. All right, patreon