Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 356 - Fire Tornado (feat. Sam Tallent)

Episode Date: July 29, 2021

wo0o0o0o0o boy. Comedian, Author, and Elite D.A.W.G. Sam Tallent joins the cast in the big city to discuss weather phenomena, books, troops, and much more. Enjoy. Lezgettit. Recorded at The Stand Restaurant & Comedy Club   Support the D.A.W.G.Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod

Whoa, boy. I think we're going to take this one nice and easy, dude. Yeah. Take it nice and easy. Yes. I agree. Nice and slow. We got, we're here, we're joined with a friend of the show,

friend of ours. Ally. Sam Talent. Powerful ally. Very powerful ally. And you kind of straddle both the comedy scenes that they are. Yeah, I'm beloved by all. You are.

Yeah, I'm a day walk. Yeah, yeah. And you're a great author. Thank you. You wrote a wonderful book called Running the Light. I wish you would have forgot the name. That would have been hilarious. I was very close.

Yeah, I saw you. You're eyes fluttered. Despite the fact that my room has about four copies. Yeah. I was right there. I see them. It was great. I had my dad send you one of the test copies,

and he was like, now you're sending this to Shane Gillis, huh? Oh, really? Is that that fella who got in that kerfuffle? Really? Yeah. Oh, man. Yeah.

What a nice way to put it. Yeah, he's a fan of laughing. Yes. And Sam brought us gifts. Dude. And an in-one mixtape jersey. Yeah. Wow.

You know, you want to be a good guest? Dude, this is as good as a guest. I'll say best gifts we've gotten. That's no attack on Ari, but. Oh, yeah, definitely better than Ari's. Ari, it's a decent gift. And after you. Geranium.

Geranium. Ew. That's crap. Something you have to keep alive. Yeah, I'm more of an orchid guy. He gave you a task. How do you feed your orchids? One ice cube every two days.

I got one once and it died. That's the one thing that's pretty shameful about me. I really pride myself on having a green thumb. I don't, bro. Really? I kill plants. Suffer, dude, you suffer grass, bro. Grass?

I got the grass popping in my backyard. Anything under your foot you can take care of. Good point, yeah. You're feeding it with your toeless adventures. True. Would I do with it? Yeah, how are you working this thing? Just watering the hell out of it, dude.

Watering the hell out of it. Dude, I plant it in like 97 degrees. How large of a plot of grass are we talking to? Acreage? The size of this carpet under our feet. It's his back porch. It's about 14 square feet of grass. But it's quality grass.

Bro. Kentucky blue? A little bit of blue in there. But this is more of a northeastern blend, some barley. Sure. Why don't you just asteroturf it? I can't, bro. It'll stink.

I have dogs. Oh, yeah, that'll reek. I used to swear to my dad. I was an asteroturf when I was younger. He'd make me cut the grass. I'm like, I'm going to have a cement backyard. I hate cutting the grass. I'm going to fucking asteroturf.

Well, that's because you guys had a fucking. The compound. You had 40 acres of mule. Dude, it was fucking all. It was all Saturday. Yeah. All Saturday, I wake up at like 8 AM. And then if I didn't cut behind the sand mound, which I never did,

he'd be like, I'm going up there and speck the sand mound. I'd be like, fuck. Come down and get back up there. I'd be showered and shit. I have to go, oh, man. You can't keep sand mound secrets from father. You can't. It's impossible.

That was the first place you go behind the sand mound. It's like. That's where dads hang out. There's like compost and shit. I'm like, I'm mowing around compost. He goes back there and smokes two hits of a lucky strike. And real deep and comes back in the house and screams that you and your 12 brothers and sisters.

Yeah, I remember that. I remember pulling up during my first marriage, pulling up out front of my house and like not coming in for 20 minutes. I'm like, oh, this is what my dad used to do. Oh, just sit out in his car and just talk on the phone. I'm like, oh, it's a nice feeling. Just pulling up being like, not yet. My dad, you should chill in your car.

The pathfinder that only he drove. Nice. And then one time we got in there, me and my friends to like play in the car and just a bunch of red dog tall boys fell out the side. Oh, this is what he's doing in here. Suppose my mom doesn't have a key. Damn, that is a nice move to just show like walk into your house.

Just bombed after work. Oh, yeah. Just having not had enough time to get like it's not like you went to a bar. Like you drove home, got hammered in a half hour in your in your driveway. You turn on County Road 86, crack it by the time you hit 13. It's warm. Now we're talking Denver. No, we're talking Eastern Plains of Colorado. Yeah, we're talking Albert County.

You were out on the plains. Hell, yes. You were at the Tonka, dude. For sure. Yeah, big motherfucker every part of the buffalo. Yeah, bro. You just a hulk out there. It's like, no, thanksgiving. Oh, yeah, no, is half natives or some natives.

And he won't shut up about it. God, he won't shut up the whole way up. You're always talking about native native. He said, he said, please say indigenous. Oh, that's true. He did. He's a First Nations person. True. Here's what I want you guys to think about.

Here's what I've been excited about. There's a guy who now I'm forgetting his name. Very good. So there's a there's a YouTube channel. It's this guy goes around and interviews World War Two vets. And there's one get the first guy I watch. I think his name is Fila, Filapec, F-I-L-I-P-E-K, Walter Filapec. He's the first dude.

So I was I was on another kick on the Pacific. But this Walter guy, he's like 95 when he's getting interviewed. He's the first guy I've ever seen. They're like, you know, because always in the World War Two documentaries, they show the old guys and they always start getting emotional and like tear out, you know, rightfully so. Yeah. But this was the first guy I've ever seen that had literally zero PTSD

and was just like smiling the whole time. They'd ask him a question and he'd be like, well, some of those Japs, they would have grenades when you when you'd go to take care of them. So I'd bayonet them. And they're like, don't you think that's a little cruel? He's like, yeah, it is cruel, but I've done it. Smiles. He's giddy.

Dude, there was one the best line in it, though. He goes, he's like, they're like, were you ever like afraid? While you were there, he's like, no, I didn't have a girlfriend back home. All I had was some family. I didn't care if I died because I didn't care about nothing. I still don't care about nothing. It's just this guy's incredible. Yeah. He's a man.

He's wearing a fucking American flag button down with all his medals, like clipped on with like chip clothes. Yeah, exactly. Would you take him off, though? He has his bronze star with a chip clip. It's fucking incredible. Dude, imagine hitting the diner, just Purple Heart, Bronze Star, all the way to Chug, man. Does he ever get a was for a scum was for a scum?

I've never heard that. He was just like, well, they told me to do it. So I done it. He's just fucking executing, dudes, napalming caves filled with people. Damn, it was crazy. I mean, he's taking orders. And he would also do that. He executed a prisoner and he talks about it.

It's so funny. What do you do? He's like, so my commanding officer, he told me, now take that. He says, Javelin, I don't. Yeah. He said, now take that jab behind the line and come back in one minute. Well, the line was a lot further than that. And I didn't want to be out there by myself. So he takes this Japanese prisoner back and he's like,

so I told him, give me what you got in your pockets. And all he had was one picture. And I said, give me that picture. And he said, no, no, no. And I said, yes, yes, yes. So I shot him and then it cuts to him holding up the picture. And this is a picture I got from that jab. They were lopping off Chinese heads.

They were cutting off Chinese heads and putting them in a basket. That was a picture. That's the picture. That was the keepsake. The Japanese guy had a picture of them cutting off Chinese heads. I thought it would have been a picture of his sweetheart. No, no, you would think the guy was like, I'm not giving this up. This picture is too tight. It was tight. It was it was enemies.

It was a him and his boys chopping off heads in front of the Great Wall of China. The Great Wall of China was behind them. He had to get that back to his brothers. Walter, Walter goes, now that's the Great Wall of China. They were lopping off Chinese heads. And I've been to the Great Wall. I've been all over. I wonder how many takes it took to get that photo, dude.

Oh, yeah, he tried to hold it up the whole time. But he's, you know, he's. Yeah. Yeah. That guy, Walter Philippec. Jesus, my best dude I've ever seen. I'm a go. He literally truly might be the guy. Yeah. Like just be like every because everybody, you know, they're always like,

I was over there. The only thing I cared about was the guy next to me, all that stuff. He's just like, I didn't care. I still don't care at all. Dude, imagine getting busted with that picture, too. He's like, what do you got? Be like, you're going to think it's weird. Except as Walter, then he was probably like, no, that's a cool picture.

But I'm going to shoot him. He's dead. Oh, one more. I'll stop. Oh, so funny. There's one time he's, Walter's in his foxhole. They set off a flare in the middle of the night and he said there was a Japanese dude just right at the foot of his foxhole about to jump in. So he shoots him and the guy like fell into the foxhole. And there's two other guys that were sleeping like, who's that?

Or like, what the fuck was that? And he's just like, just somebody that shouldn't have been here. And then I went back to sleep. He just woke up blasted. Tucked himself back in. Dude, that must have been so sick back then, just to have like a nasty autist in the foxhole. Bro, he was so many good ones.

I watched an hour and a half. I could listen to it. Yeah, I could listen to this for five hours straight. Cameras just on Walter sitting there like, well, how high were his pants? Oh, you can't see his pants. So you would assume. Yeah, at least over the belly button. When you when you've got as many notches,

you know, as how many confirmed kills Walter has. Fuck those pants can be high. But fuck, I forgot what I was going to say. I might be Walter. You're a morseless shot. The guy and the thing shot the guy. But fuck, nevermind. Who cares? Well, it'll come back to you.

It'll come back. Sorry, I threw you off of the pants. No, no, no, Matt, the pants. Because people want to know about the pants level, too, though. I mean, you're seeing their eyes. A dumb question. They're obviously high nipple shapers. There's no way he's sagging. No, he steps up and he's just sagging.

Yeah, he's suspenders or no suspenders? No suspenders, just an American American flag button down with his medals pinned to his shirt. But he. Yes, some of them are rough to watch. Some of the geezers. Oh, they're not all a blast. No, they're not all.

They're not all a minute. Not all a hoot. Walter is the Pacific Theater. Walter didn't give a fuck. Everybody else is just broken. And Walter is just like, I did it. I did what I had to do. So I done it.

He has a necklace at ears. Yeah. Oh, here's what I was saying. So they he lands on, I think it was Okinawa. So it gets there. It was like a Japanese dude, like 500 yards away. Like they could see him and he's talking to his commanding officer and he's like, I'm going to put some tracers in and I'm going to shoot him.

And they were like, you can't hit that. No chance. So Walter fucking lit this dude up. The guy's like, I'm glad I'm on your side. He's like, well, I come here to kill. So that's what I'm doing is murdering people. What are tracers? Tracer is a bullet.

You know how they when they light up? Yeah, that's a tracer. Oh, really? So those aren't all the, you know, in Fury, there's a lot of like, it almost looks like. Yeah, yeah, that's because every like third or fourth round, you can see where it's gone. Damn, yeah, he's lit a guy up.

He's just lit him up. Those tracer rounds have like, are they deadly as well? Yeah, they have to be. Yeah, those things are fine. Have to be. Yeah, it would be it would hurt. You see him with him like, oh, sweet. Fuck yeah, dude.

It was just a light. Starts fucking like, hell yeah. Yeah, I thought of you. That's a good find. I thought of you. I was listening to the hardcore history of which one? The last one is on Japan, but it's it's getting into like the fire bombings.

Oh, you don't want it. You don't want to know, dude. I want to know. So there were there were certain times where wind conditions like in Dresden in Germany, Saudi Arabia. Yeah, yeah, thank you. But yeah, where it would just start like a fire tornado. And they the government, the U.S.

figured out how to like manufacture these. What? So they were just hitting Japan with just fire tornadoes. How they figure that out? What they just they would figure out how much like how the wind was going and how much incendiaries they needed to drop. And it would just start fire tornadoes in Japan. Yeah, incendiary cyclone.

Yes, well, really. And that happened with the nuke too. That's a great AFL team, dude. Yeah, it was very scary. They're hitting them with fire tornadoes. Yes, they're hitting the tornadoes. This is when in the fucking 40s. Yeah, and they can definitely control the weather, dude.

Oh, yeah, they can definitely control the weather. They did fire tornado. Yeah, they had fire tornado in the 40s, dude. They could get here. He would have like a book on this. He knows about DARPA. Yeah, I see. I saw I got I was up in Alaska, very near DARPA.

And I'd be like, what's up with DARPA? And they're like, oh, yeah, they do whatever they want. They didn't care. Yeah, dude. Yeah. What are you doing in Alaska? She went to Chicago, Charlies. What's that? Oh, the club? Yeah. Nice. How was it?

They gave before I went on stage, they sat me down and gave me a stern talking to about, hey, they're going to send you shots. How many do you want to take before we switch to ginger ale? And I was like, well, I don't know. It's like an hour long show, like how many shots we're talking. They're like, last week, the guy got 15. Oh, my God. Yeah. What? Yeah.

And then I guess the second show he did, he did the exact same hour. But he did he did the exact same 20 minutes, three times because he was so shitfaced. So I was like, after you get, yeah. Three is enough. Yeah. I would just be like, give me all ginger ale. Now, delicious. That would be every on every like 10 minutes.

Just be like, yeah. But a sugar crash is gnarlier than wasting. I'd rather be like fall down. Start getting all hot and shit. Yeah. Shots of what? Whiskey? Yeah. Oh, yeah. They're like, what do you want? And I was like, I guess, Jamison.

They're like, good call. That's the most expensive one we sell. Jesus Christ. But it's like it's a gauntlet they throw down. They want it. They want the clown to fall down. That's the whole thing. Damn. Yeah. How many and you got three?

I did three. That's. Oh, do they look at you after you did like the 12th one? And they're just like, damn, this guy fucking rules. Well, I'm selling merch afterwards. So like, yeah, I'm like, hey, thanks for coming out. And they're like, oh, that was fucking stolen valor. Yeah, it wasn't real booze. Yeah, you can tell how you did the right thing.

That'd be fucked up. Well, yeah, but that's what they do up there. Fuck it. True. Yeah, it's a godless heath in his place, man. Killed themselves a lot up there, too. And it was also the solstice that happens. Oh, they blow their heads off. You should have killed yourself.

I should. On stage. Anchorage, it's been a blast. Seriously. I should have had Walter come up there to finish me off. He won't die, dude. Actually, you might be dead. I don't know how old that YouTube video was. I don't think guys like that pass until they want to go. Yeah, Walter. And he seemed fine.

They're like, what's it like to be in 90s? Like, well, it's fine. Yeah. Yeah, but so was committing war crimes. Like his barometer for fine is very low. No problem doing it. Yeah. You know, you need you need a guy like that. You need a nice, autistic gentleman. Yeah, you say autistic.

I say bloodthirsty sociopath. How dare you? Hey, man, he's a decorated war hero. Walter's the man. I'm sorry, everybody. You fucking lib. Yeah, I'm out here voting. It is funny. You did say that I straddle both sides.

And when you had your your faithful dragula time in Minnesota, I was receiving text messages from you when you were in that blackout haze being like, we're the best. And the next one was like, you all comic pussy. You couldn't do what I do. We're one in two, man. They were just like both sides of Shane coming through. That's it. That's all I got.

It's great. There's only two sides. Back and forth. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. So knock them down. Yeah, set them back up. No, I'm just playing. Yeah, it's a nice text. Like, oh, thanks, Shane, you're thinking about me. And it's like, have fun in the bookstore. I'm out here making money.

They pass in the hat. What'd you get in there? Oh, all right. I do like a Chili's. Oh, very sad. Right. In the worst club, I've done that club. It sucks. Oh, that club was the amusement park working while you were there the second time.

OK. To the MLA. The first time was in the middle of like in the middle of the pandemic. Oh, damn, dude. So the whole thing was like an empty. Yeah, you're just in the tomb of capitalism in the middle of Minnesota. Yeah, it sucks. Yeah, it does suck. They have eight different lid stores, though.

I didn't notice that. That's promising. And that would just, no, disorient you. Oh, yeah. You keep walking around you like I just won't pass this fucking lid. Yeah, it's like you can see it. Yeah, it sucks. Damn, it fucking stinks.

Yeah, bro. Dude, you. Do you hear about the baby coming on a fire? Dude, you hear what the baby said? Yeah, the baby. The baby is trying to get lighters tossed up, dude. He's just pulling out all the stuff. Did you see what he said, though?

I saw the part about not having fucked up diseases and then he goes throw up a lighter if you're not putting up or if you're not sucking dicks in the parking lot. Yeah, he said, if you don't have eight. Yeah. Well, he said it first. I think he said, if you don't have eight, throw up a lighter, which, you know, I got it right here. It said, in response to criticism, the baby said this in an Instagram story yesterday, this is the baby.

This is not me. I said, if you don't got AIDS, put a cell phone lighter up. The baby told his nineteen point one million followers. I said, if you ain't sucked dick in the parking lot, put your cell phone lights up, all the lights went up, gay or straight. You want to know why he continued? Because even my gay fans don't got fucking AIDS, stupid, stupid ass. And words, they don't got AIDS.

My gay fans, they take care of themselves. They know, nasty, gay, and words. See what I'm saying? They know, fucking junkies on the street. So he was being nice. He was being nice. He said it wrong, but he was trying to be nice. He was praising.

Yeah, he's praising his fans. Yeah, you're saying basically only poor people get AIDS. He certainly did condemn the AIDS community. The science backs it up. Yeah, he called them nasty. What do you think of that? I mean, I'm just where T.I. is. T.I. was like, dude, that's his truth.

Oh, T.I. supported him. T.I. supported him. T.I. came out. T.I. supported Lil Nas X. He said, hey, you know, that's his thing. Well, I think T.I. came out and said, like, well, if Lil Nas X can be gay, why can't the baby just like kind of try not let AIDS. That was where he was coming from. He's like, you know, if he can go around and give

St. Lapdances and why can't the baby come out and be like, you know, checking for the health of the people at the concert. I mean, if he had just replaced AIDS with COVID, he would have. He would have been fucking high five all the way. True. He just did the wrong disease. He probably blanked. I was like, fuck, I meant COVID. Yeah, I meant to fuck. I meant the new strain.

I meant the new strain coming in. Yeah, it is a very highly evolved take, actually, if you think about it. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I'm sucking dick. That'd be funny for the dudes who suck dick in the parking lot. We're like, shit. What the hell is this guy talking about? There's got to be someone there.

Somebody there has sucked a dick in the parking lot. Yeah, some homo thugs. Do you ever fuck with homo thugs? I show no love to homo thugs. Do you ever fuck with homo thugs, dude? No. There was a bar in West Philly that everyone was like, that's homo.

I would talk to this dude in my neighborhood. He's like, man, that's for homo thugs. Thug mansion. It was homo thugs, dude. You just get thugged out and you just fucking suck your boys. You just fiesta remix. You just get all like the 2001 drip and just suck your bros. Homo thug life rules, dude.

That's nice. And you just go back to trapping, dude. But yeah, yeah, the baby. The baby was just saying, dude, if you want to be at my concerts, you have to take, you need a clean bill of health. That's fair. He doesn't want people endangering themselves

by sucking penises unprotected in his parking lot. He doesn't want that going on. He wants condom head, the worst hit. Oh man, I've never received that. I have. You have? Yeah. Out there in the wiles of America?

With what, like strippers? No, not strippers. Regular girls can have condom head? Yeah. I was gonna say, I was like, you fuck thuggers too. That's what's up. I mean, I've danced with that devil. Yeah, they're big condom heads.

But a girl put on a fucking condom in blue. Well, yeah, like me doing some show in like an oil field in Wyoming, and then they take me home and they're like, oh, everyone here is dirty. We got a bunch of da baby fans here. Can you get sick from head? You know, I don't know.

We need to put more money towards that. True. You could probably get herpes, probably. Yeah, you could get herpes. I don't think you can get, like, plamedium. You would have to have a very bloody blowjob to get HIV. All my blowjobs are bloody as hell.

I'm extreme as hell. That's because you're a fucking homo thug. No, no, no. Fuck you. All right, this is what I gotta pick. My brother got attacked. Sorry, go ahead. I gotta pick you up.

No, your brother got attacked. It's better, go ahead. Well, his phone, his phone got stolen by a homo thug. What? My brother's phone got stolen out of Billy's, out of like the trash truck. A little fucking... His ex got him?

Flip phone, a little not his ex got him. I think it was like a Puerto Rican dude, but he fucking... If you had to guess. It was a homo poppy, dude. A homo poppy took his phone, a flip phone out of his shirt. What would you call Fat Joe if he was gay? If you had to come up with a pun on that name?

I feel like you already did. What is it? Oh, I'm not gonna say it. I was just asking you guys. I didn't know. I couldn't know. She changed one letter. Oh, yeah.

Wouldn't that be funny? Yeah. Here we go. I'm missing it. You can do it. Fat Joe. Oh. Yeah.

I thought you meant fat homo. Well, that'd be fun too. Yeah, that works. Here's what I got. Here's what I got to pick your brain on that. Yes, yes. And I was hoping this was the first time you've heard of it, but I doubt it.

What do you think of Simone Biles? Yeah, I heard she canceled the thing. Yeah. Dude, apparently she got fucking touched by Nassar. What? Yeah, you didn't know that? No. She was one of Nassar's victims.

Yeah. Whoa. Yeah, I heard about this and I was like, yeah, of course. She was in the harem. Yeah. She probably, dude. These people train their entire lives.

They have no choice. They become gymnasts. She probably won and it was like whatever. That wasn't as cool as I thought it would be. And she just like the whole fucking trial happened and she was like, I don't want to think about gymnastics anymore. Fair enough.

That's what I thought. I think that's probably exactly what happened. I heard that she was having a hard time knowing where she was in the air. I saw that. Yeah. I saw a clip of that. I guess gymnasts that happens to them.

While they're in the air, they kind of get disoriented and it like fucks them up. The whole trick to being a gymnast is like knowing where exactly you are in the air. Oh, I thought you meant like an identity crisis. I thought she would like become airborne and be like, who am I? Yeah.

She was like, whoa. How fucking much air does she get? What am I doing with my life? She does get air, dude. Existential dread. She gets major air. Yeah, the one thing that bothered me about it. Let me tell you what bothered me

about Simone Biles quitting. Yeah. Was watching everyone fall all over themselves to be like, wow, that was brave and incredible. That's the only thing that bothered me. Obviously she's 24 and it's sexual abuse. Like she can do, I saw that in the description. I didn't know it was, she got touched by the hand of God,

dude. I'm sorry, bro. One of the all time greats. He's on the Mount Rushmore. They should kill that guy. Yeah. They should just, dude's like that. It's like 12 people that comes out.

They should just stomp on his head until you're done, bro. That is kind of like the creme de la creme though. Gymnasts, underage tumblers. They're scrappy dudes, bro. I mean, if you're gonna go for it. They are scrappy dudes. They're scrappy dudes.

Yeah. That's a good build. I don't mind a scrappy dude. You know what I've noticed about the tumblers? Their butts are a lot smaller than I remember them. Really? I remember all these butts just being huge, powerful haunches.

That's because at the time, back in the day when we were young men, like you had Atlanta, flat butts were very prevalent. Yeah. Hard shaped tinies. Nowadays these hard shaped tinies are everywhere. Yeah, these Comaniches, I'm not into it. Yes.

Yeah. I remember Biles, I was like, oh yeah, she's got dumps like a truck and then this year she's flapping around up there and there's no cheek meat. I mean, she's a sexual abuse victim. I don't think she should be. Yeah, I don't understand.

What? You know? What are you even doing here? I know she's a victim. She's in the heart, you know? Yeah. She has to live her life, you're right. Yeah.

Yeah, I didn't, I don't like, it's not like I was like, what the fuck, Simone? Like I wasn't mad at her, but I knew as soon as it happened, they couldn't be like, it wasn't something. No one could be like, that's a shame. Yeah.

Everyone had to be like, wow. One of the ESPN tweeted like, they're like she stayed and cheered and chalked up her teammates' hands and ultimate teammate. Yeah. That was their tweet. Yeah.

Yeah. I don't have an ultimate teammate. The best player on the team quit. Yeah. In the one thing. They get one thing. This is their one thing every four years. So they train their entire lives for.

Yeah. Yeah. I saw the qualifying and she was just fucking wet in the bed the whole time. She was doing well. Oh no, it was the worst she's ever done. And then she'd get off like all pouty

and like holding back tears. So I mean, I've never been one to perform at such a high level that the entire world was watching. Every ad campaigns on her. So like I understand, but also nut up sister. Come on. You come to the dance. Yeah, it's becoming way super acceptable to be like,

I don't feel good not doing it. Yeah, I mean, when I did that in sports, I quit twice. Nobody was like, wow, man. That was awfully brave. What a brave thing you said. Yeah, true. Yeah.

Everyone was like, pussy. Yeah. Rightfully so. Yeah. Yeah, man. Gardena was fuming the whole way up. Yeah. Well, Gardena, I have it too.

And I'm sure you guys do. Just that old white man in there. When I see certain things, I'm just like, God damn it. You don't fucking quit. We all have inner Walters. 10 minutes. 10 minutes later, you're like, what the fuck? Who am I?

Yeah. What am I doing? I don't know anything. I'm just walking on air from the women's synchronized diving team. Yeah. Taking gold. Dude, it took gold.

Really? You know, landslide. I was at the gym, they fucking, dude. I'm at the gym, I'm catching a very light, all I do now, because since I'm a Hindu, I just try to break a light sweat and I leave. So just, you know, very light fucking, very light exercise.

And I'm in there and I'm seeing, you know, I see Mexico go up, I see some other country and I'm like, these guys are looking fucking good, man. And I missed USA's dive, but I see them come up and get super pumped. And I was like, all right, that's cool. Dude, I finally saw, after like a bunch of other rounds, they got gold, obviously.

I saw the replay. Dude, everyone stands on the platform, like, you know, like stands on the edge and like waves or hands, does shit. The two girls in the United States started in the back, ran in unison and just went, and just busted like a quadruple flip and then dove and it was the coolest shit.

They crushed them, they crushed everybody. That's wonderful. And it's, and if the US women's soccer team's watching and so he takes some notes, man, that's how you fucking win. Oh yeah. That's how you play out there. They've been struggling, bro.

I know, I'm loving it. And I'm, I'm fucking, I'm loving it. I'm actually rooting against them. Yeah. I'm a hooligan. I'm a hooligan. I'm a hooligan.

We're Swedish hooligans. We love the lady Swedes. I have a hooligan against the US women's soccer team. There's, I don't know if there's a, I'm not sure there's a least likable team on her. I'm going to whip a Carlsberg bottle at their head. Yeah. I come out of my house after they lose

and I prowl the streets. I'm like, oh, you got your scarf. Oh yeah. I got this. I got this women's. Who are, yeah. You're calling people packies. You should paint your face.

You should get a nice yellow, a little sweet. I'm definitely going to start wearing it. Big fan of the women's soccer team. Or is the US out of it? I don't think. I don't think they'll let them be out of it. They're not allowed to be.

Yeah. They'll put them, they'll put them up again. Consolation round? What is it? Double elimination? I mean, it's girls rules, so probably. True. You know.

Man. True. You guys talked about. They tied Australia yesterday. What a victory. Zero, zero. They tied Australia? Australia.

Where do they play? In Tokyo. Australia should be embarrassed with themselves, dude. Same time zone. What? I think Australian, they don't have any jet lag over there. True.

I'm just saying Australia should be embarrassed because, you know, they've been like locked in their house for like two years. Cowards, dude. Yeah. Cowardly women. If you're staying in Australia, you're allowed to wear a,

no, you're allowed to not wear a mask if you're jogging. So you get a lot of business dudes who like forget their mask and just fucking run in their suits. Yeah, there you go. Have you seen the dressage? What's that? The horse dancing?

I did see a clip of that. What? It's wonderful. You like it? I like the horse dancing. That astounds me. It's the worst. What?

I've only seen one clip and it was on. What's horse dancing? Eggs Tyrone's Instagram. So they're playing hip hop to a horse dancing. It's about as far as I get. It's the richest people in the world sit on horses and the horses prance around, but the rider's not allowed to move.

It all has to be done like just through their hips. So it looks like they're humping the back of the horse and they can't smile. So it's just like very like focused humping, which sounds cool. All right. No, I've done it. It's not.

You've done it? You've done dressage? No, very serious. So I'm humping. Yeah. I've heard you've rode some horses. I might get into dressage, dude. You need to be like a millionaire Belgian pedophile.

Count me out there. Okay. Not Belgium. Not Belgium. I was watching it, trying to get into it. And I was like, oh, cool. Like it's synchronized to the music. And then the guy, the announcer,

whose name is Randy Moss, that's the horse announcer. Which when I saw that come up, I was like, yes. That would be so funny. It's gonna be great. Oh yeah. But it's not him. They said, yeah.

And by the way, if the movements of the horses look choreographed for the music, that's completely on accident. It's the one thing that looks cool. And they just play random background music that's designed not to spook the horse. Are the horses dancing kind of? They're prancing around.

There's like a side step. They go backwards. So you kind of see how your horse moves and then you pick out the soundtrack. No, no, the music is played randomly for every horse. What? Yeah. So they just do their set routine

and there happens to be music and every now and then it locks up. So if your horse, dude, that's awesome. It's awesome. Yeah. No. So if your horse was like, that stinks.

That's fucking sick. It's great, dude. Dude, imagine how sick they were. That viral video is cool. The actual sport, honks. What? Have they ever had, did they play like, like men in black theme song?

No, dude. It's so sick. Dude, are the men in black? That's fucking, yeah. That'd be nasty. No. Of course it's not choreographed. They're horses, dude.

They're not gonna fucking remember anything. You're right. You're gonna teach a horse to dance, not to music. I'm insane, for sure. Just silent, somber faces. It's a little poofed creature. It has no thoughts. They lived until like 60.

Yeah, man. Horses lived until 60. Dude, they lived as old as fuck. They're like turtles. My aunt has a miniature pony. Well, they thought they were buying a miniature pony. They're not to just be a pony. It wasn't as tiny.

Dude, it's like 38. It's like 34. It's really funny. They have an old, shitty pony. I have no idea of horses. I would have honestly guessed like dog's ages. No. I would have guessed like 14 or 15 years.

Horses lived like, no, for real. They lived like 40 years old. Damn. That's actually very funny. It's crazy. You can have a horse live like your whole lifetime. Pony is older than like my younger cousins. It's been there forever.

Wait, is it's name Pony? Cody. It's genuine. Cody. Cody the pony. Cody the pony. Yeah, it's Cody the pony. That's a long con for that horse salesman.

It's like, oh yeah, it's a miniature pony. Somebody won it at like a carnival. I swear to God, someone won it at a carnival way back when, just decades ago. And it turned out it was a lot more work. They had, I think they had a pony in, the pony was in Philly. Like a row home.

And then my, I think my uncle found out about it. And he was like, I'll take that pony. Really? Snagged the pony, yeah. There's so much work. Cody, yeah, dude. Cody got sick, dude. Really?

Yeah, man. Actually, you know what? He lay on his side and it was like eating the wrong, it wasn't getting any vitamins or something. Dude, now you mentioned it. Get shots now. There was a horse that lived, there was a, at the end of our street,

that his house, they just owned a horse for some reason. I live in a neighborhood, like there's no reason. And they would just tie it up out front. So there's just a giant fucking horse always tied up to a tree. And it was there for 20 years. Yeah, man. So yes, I did.

My whole life, there's just been a dirty horse at the end of our street. You've never seen it off the post? They don't ride it around? They had a small pen in the back and my dog would run out of our house. And every time he escaped, he would sprint straight to this fucking horse.

All day, every day. Dogs hate horses, dude. He thought about this horse, he must have been like, dude, this is the second I'm getting out. I'm like, fuck this fucking horse up. Fuck it. He just ran out.

I was a little kid, I was always so scared. Bark at the horse. Shaq was in the cage with the horse. It's terrifying. Yeah, I thought Shaq was gonna die. Yeah, one hoof to the head. Yeah, man. It's a fateful end for you.

Which would have been a funny way for a dog to die. Oh yeah. Just seeing your dog hit the head. Kicked to the head and the horse to death. Just squashed, just stepped on. He's a horse probably, they're all skittish, it would have done it accidentally, it would have been like.

Yeah. It would have been graceful, like dressage. True. How do you say it? Dressage. Dressage. Yes. And I come from a part of the country

where people ride their horses on the streets. Yeah. And my friend Jesse Kendig, whenever he would see people riding their horses, he was driving, he would honk his horn real loud. And then they would all spaz. Just people falling off, like jumping over fences and shit.

You start off the rodeo. Oh yeah. You think I got eight seconds, cowboy. That's right, yeah. You get it going. Hit the garth brooks. Dude. This was stampede was a definitive part

of growing up where I came from, the rodeo. Dude, I feel bad when I used to sit up in a crab apple tree and shoot the horses with a fucking slingshot. Yeah, cause you were hooked. With crab apples, dude. All day, all day long. A BB gun?

I don't know how many. A BB gun, there was a horse farm across the street from my friend's house. There's just a ton of fucking horses. You could hit one and there'd be chaos. Yeah. Well, you just hit one and you'd see its muscle flinch. They'd go like that and they'd all...

What a time, dude. Just a big quad. My mom spends most of her retirement sitting in front of her rose garden with a BB gun, just shooting deer whenever they dare to come up and eat a rodeo. That's funny. Yeah, they'll fuck your garden up.

Yeah, it's a blast. She's right to do so. These horses did nothing to you. She's well within her rights. Yeah, she is. She is. And that's not gonna hurt. The deer, it'll just sting a deer.

Yeah, it's not gonna hurt. Can you kill somebody who... Can you always kill somebody if they're on your private property? Or do you... Castle doctrine? Castle, is that what it is? Castle.

Yeah. So if they're like, hey, sir, I'm lost. Can you immediately take their life? I believe so. I think that's true. But you cannot kill a deer on your property because that's poaching. Really?

If you're lost and killing a deer, that's like an offense. On your property? Yeah. What? Yeah, you have to hunt protected lands. Whoa. Yeah.

But if a person comes on, you can wipe them out. Nice. Yeah. Can you detain them? I think that's kidnapping. If they're on your property? I mean, if you detain them and then turn them in. Detain and question.

If you apprehend, give back to the law, that's okay. But if you like torture them and give a tiny dust on their thighs. No, just question. Just question. Just question. Just detained, questioned, and then killed.

I think it has to. I videoed the whole thing and I went to court and now here's what I did. Yeah. Your honor. Yeah. I think it has to be reflects like. I'd like to report the crime of trespassing.

Yeah. Exhibit A, it's a man's head. You hold up. That's pretty good though. It's good you can do that. Yeah. I mean, most states, I think. Well, at least the good ones.

You can fill in some of them with holes as soon as they ask for directions. The family property. That's good. Dude, you fuck with the French Revolution? Who doesn't? I was reading about the, you know, the Decadus, the guys that try to replace the calendar

or the week with the 10 day period. I never heard about this. Dude, in the French Revolution, I think someone started it first, but Robespierre and his evil henchmen, past, they eliminated the seven day week and they had a thing called the Decade. So they had like Primundi, Segundi,

and they had like a calendar completely devoid of like Catholic Christian holidays. And they did this for a while. And if they caught you and they enforced it, if they caught you and your Sunday's best, so if you were on a day of like formerly Sunday and you're gussied up, they'd pull up and they'd, what the fuck are you doing?

You're like, I'm just, I'm fly. Yeah. They're like, why the fuck are you so fly? Are you so, are you being fly for the Lord? Are you being fly for the Lord? Dude, what I'm not doing, I'm honoring the Sabbath. No way. They wanted to get rid of the Sabbath.

It's because they're evil communists. That's what it is. They're evil hippies. And this is what happens. Dude, I'm telling you, they have a rationalistic, science-based, kind of like people who worship the state. And they were called, I think they were called,

fuck, they're the Mr. Sundays, where the people who were like, now we fuck with the seven day week. And then they had like the citizen Decade, where like they were like, no, we love science, it's cute. It's like, dude, I'm Mr. Sunday, bro. Yeah. I'm about to stay in my Sunday's best.

Like get the fuck out of my face. But yeah, dude, it was making me laugh so hard. They actually passed it. And they still have days like their holidays on like every 10th day. I think they had 36, 10 day periods, but I don't know what they did with the other five days. But they had a holidays that were just like,

it's old people day. And you'd be like, nice. And they'd be like, it's a patriotism day. And you'd be like, whoa. Yeah. They had the shittiest, dumbest civic holiday. It was so funny. Yeah, they sucked.

Yeah, dude, apparently, the book I'm reading is all about the how we have a seven day week. And they were saying, the author's Jewish, he's slam dunking that one. He's like, that was the J's. He's like, we start at the seven day week. So we were the first people, everyone else was like fucking around

with like seven day, 10 day, six day. They would watch the planets and be like the last planet you saw before this period of time. You saw the moon in the sky. Moon Monday, lunes, whatever, all this stuff, Venus. And they eventually, but they'd have to just like get rid of days.

So like you'd have the planet, like you wouldn't see a certain planet. So you'd be like Monday, Tuesday, and they'd be like, no Wednesday this week. It's Friday. You're like, what the fuck? It's confusing. The Jews took it away from the celestial bodies

and like, dude, it's Monday through Friday or Monday through Sunday. So the Jews control the days of the week. They started them. This guy took full credit. He was like, bro, I mean, you know, we've done a lot of cool shit, but starting the week. I knew they controlled the week.

They controlled the week, they controlled the week. You're not allowed to say that. That was the Sabbath. Well, they had the Sabbath and the Christians were like, we call Sunday, the Muslims were like, fuck, I guess we have Friday now. Cause you needed to have like- Give them Muslims though.

Fridays are sick though. Yeah. Party, that's TGIF. It's TGIF. They thank a lot. They got TGIF. But I think they have to like take off or something. I don't know how.

I guess you gotta work and come home and just watch Urkel at the end of the book. Yeah, they must have loved TGIF. Oh my God, dude. Fuck. In July, dude, when Urkel comes off. Whoa, whoa, whoa, Urkel. But yeah, the book is sick talking about how people just,

so many people have tried to stop the seven day week and he was like, it's just too good. Matt, what I love about you as a listener of this podcast is the fact that you said you're reading a book about the seven days of the week. Dude, it's pretty nice. And anyone else describing it would be the most boring fucking story I've ever heard.

But somehow you made it. Dude, I'm telling you. I'm enwrapped. Thank you, bro. Yeah. It's hard. I wanted to have a better understanding of like match the planets, but it's so fucking confusing.

You want to understand to match planets? No, cause I was like, I was trying to memorize the day to each planet. And if you look at it in Spanish, it's actually pretty clear. It's like Marte's, Viennese, Marculi, all that stuff. But dude, it's so confusing. Cause like the way they change and like the fact

that they lose days here and gained it, dude, it was fucking ridiculous. And then they'd be like, it's festival day cause there's no like nothing to match it up to. Pretty sick, dude. When people were figuring that out. Yeah. So yeah.

Sabado Domingo is Saturday and Sunday, right? You're the most fun days of the week and the most fun words to say in the Spanish. They are. Sabado Domingo, that's a good time. True. You know, you're going to have fun. True.

When the Christians split off from the Jays, there was a big thing like, what are you doing Saturday? And you know, if you were fucking, they used to call it Judaizing. They like don't know Judaizing around on Saturday. You better fucking work. If you're caught chilling, if you're caught chilling on Saturday,

Saturday was not for the boys back then, dude. If you got caught for the boys, they, when you're early Christians. It was for the boys. Yeah, it was for the boys. Saturdays are for the boys. No, Sundays are for the boys. Saturdays are for the Jays.

Damn, yes. But let me have one. That was pretty good though. But if they caught you, if they caught you fucking, they're called it Judaizing. They're like, dude, he's fucking Judaizing. He's chilling on Saturday.

What are some qualities that you would think would be considered Judaizing? They were just chilling. They were just. No, no, but like today. Observing the Sabbath. You saw someone doing something. Give me some ideas that you could be like,

that's you're being, you're Judaizing. Tipping 5%. Did I ever tell you my theory? No matter what, it's going to be funny. Yeah. That's very funny. My theory of what Krav Maga is? No.

It's the art of trying to get to someone's testicle so you can grab their wallet. It's just two Jays, dude, fucking. Doing karate to get the wallet. It's just like you get to, you snatch the bacon and get to the wallet. It's just ball grabbing and fucking pickpocketing. Now you guys did the seven day week.

We're big fans of you guys. You guys are the best. Yeah, Jays. That guy, I was like, dude, it was so funny because he was like, well, clearly, it was the Jewish who came up with the seven day week. And I was like, uh-uh. I think the Greeks did it.

And then I was reading it. I'm like, oh, you guys got it. Nice. Good job, guys. It's so they can sell more newspapers. I think they were controlling the media back then. Hey, man. Follow the money.

True. You're getting no more alt-seeing. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, man. You're gone. You're gone. You said that. He was like, yeah, he straddles both lines.

Yeah, I've heard a couple in here. I used to be, I used to think that way. Yeah, I used to do good, good, man. Then they fucking stabbed me, dude. Yeah, they hurt you. They judyized me. Yeah. They judyized me.

They were very judicious. Yeah, you were complaining about the temperatures. Yeah, they fucking, they loved you, dude. We were pals. They will not have me back. I'm sure after this appearance. Well, yeah. I don't think they're open.

Bummer. True. I was mean to O'Connor once at Good Good. How does that? You were mean to Chris O'Connor. On accident, because Mekki and O'Connor came out and did my show in Denver one time. And then like Mekki was there at the show,

I did at Good Good. And I was like, hey, Mekki, what's up, man? And O'Connor was standing there. And he's like, hey, I'm Sam. And he was like, I'm Chris. I did your show. I was like, oh, brutal. He said that?

Well, yeah, I mean. Well, he shouldn't have said that. Well, I embraced Mekki. You know, I was like, hey, Mekki, good to see you, pal. Sam Talent, pleased to meet you, young man. Give him a business card. Yeah, exactly. I'm selling t-shirts after the show, bud.

So, so yeah, I regret my interaction with O'Connor. And now you're burying him even more. No, no, I'm apologizing. This is my heartfelt appeal to you, O'Connor. I'm sorry. You could have contacted him. You could have reached out to him. I don't have his phone number.

I deleted it. As soon as I got a little bit of power, there's no room for O'Connor. Sorry I'm moving slow, fellas. No, I told you we're taking it slow. This is a nice, slow episode. We're taking it slow today, dude. I had a, I was, you know me.

What are you doing? I was the bell of the ball last night. Where are you really? Oh, it was me and all the black fellas. Oh, sure. Me and the black fellas did a comedy show together. And then me and the black fellas went and sang karaoke. You did?

And the black fellas, they love singing. Yeah. And they don't like Sweet Home Alabama. You hit Sweet Home Alabama? I waited all night. And then I was like, all right, I'll sing. I was very, I was waiting very patiently. And I waited until I got drunk enough to pull it off.

But what hurt me was Leonard Skinner's music video. Just happens to be the fucking Confederate flag the entire time. And the whole room was fuming. They were so mad. When did they start playing music videos at karaoke? I don't know. They were usually just the words.

Yeah, that's what I was hoping for. So I was just, oh. Yeah, everyone's like, who put this on? And I was like, big wheels, keep on turning it. It was terrible. You're just sitting on this? I was the only honky in the room. I was getting, actually, I take that back.

There were a couple honks. They probably fled, dude. To all the honks. You're a honk, and you're in the honky-tonk, dude? I tried to turn it into the honky-tonk. Dude, they got so mad. They can't just let us have fun. They can't let us have cool flags.

It's a cool flag, dude. You were not allowed to even have it on TV anymore? And you look like a confederate statue come to life, too. Yes. Thank you, Sam. That's been what I've been going for. That mustache comes back. It's coming.

So did you stick to the song? Did you finish out? It got commandeered, dude. They smolly-pired it. There was a coup. There was a coup, dude. You should have just switched to be like Tuesday's gone. Tuesday's gone.

Give me two steps. Who knows what those music videos look like? Probably having fucking clans robes. What are they doing, Skinner? Skinner, let me down, dude. I did not know they were going to play a music video, dude. I didn't either. It was 50-50.

Sometimes they did something. You're smiling like, woo. Yeah, I was like, isn't this a funny goof, guys? It's a long intro, too. Yeah, it was bad. Is that why that song so associated? That's like the song. If you're thinking of white people being racist,

they're playing that song. Yes. It is the jam. It's got to be the video. What did they even play the music video of Sweet Home Alabama on? It looked like they were in a stage. They were in like a room.

But where did they play the video? They must have recorded the video years before they were actually playing music videos. Was it on like VH? It's like a live footage from the show. Oh, OK. It was like a whole set they did. That was on MTV, too.

Yeah, I've seen the Free Bird from that. It's pretty tight. But the background of their stage is a giant Confederate flag. Again? Yeah. Can't even sing fucking Free Bird a karaoke? No, you cannot.

For 34 minutes? I wish I could have. Yeah, it was premeditated. Did they think you were pulling a goof? You were pulling a goof. I was pulling a goof. I didn't know the goof was so effective. OK.

No. I didn't know they were rocking the flag. Yeah. Blast in that. I guess I could have guessed that. I mean, I could have possibly surmised there might be a Confederate flag. I didn't.

I wouldn't think there would be. I just figured everybody would have a good sense of humor about it. Yeah, man. I would have. They didn't like it. Can you do like the ISIS National Anthem on karaoke? I actually was trying to sing the National Anthem.

That's what I was looking for. That'd been great. I was going to get the mic. That's the whitest song you could sing in a black karaoke. Oh, yeah. Oh, sick. They would be fuming. They're all kneeling.

They would have been fuming. But yeah, it was. It was a fun night, but that was. What'd you do after the? What was it? What'd you do after? I sat down and didn't sing again. What?

Did not sing again. You should have followed up with vanilla ice. Ice baby, dude. I had nothing in the tank. Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan. You should have followed up with ice baby. It was like actual people like, man, what the fuck is this? And I was like, oh, like it was.

How'd they take you down off a stage? They there was no stage where we it was in a room. Oh, it was like a karaoke bar. You should have staged, Joe. Still, you should have just jumped on everybody. Dude, it was bad. They there, that was the only song that got turned off. What were you sipping on?

Some Valkyries, Valkyries. Yeah, that's why I'm moving awfully slow today. Really? Just in time for, I think I got three fucking shows tonight and I have to drive to Harrisburg. Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, really? I'm going to Pittsburgh tomorrow. Oh, right. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm trying to split that in half. Right. Go move. But yeah, it was a good night. That sounds like a fun time. Yeah. You saw, you know, did you like what point did you relinquish the mic and who took it from me? 30 seconds in.

What? You don't understand your ground on that one. I tried to stay on my ground. There's too many of them. He was surrounded. I was surrounded. You had to like all the tangles to turn him back. They got me.

Did you get to say carry me home to my kin before they took the mic? I kept screaming it. And that was like the one thing I kept yelling. And then I kept saying in Birmingham. They love it. Go over there. Oh, man.

You get mad, dude. Yeah, dude. They don't like white music. That's fair. They don't like it. That's fair. I mean, it's, you know, similar suburban dads. If you put on something like Young Draco, of course,

they're going to be like, the hell? Yes. They'll there's like, if you play it from like four miles away, if they hear it, they're like, something's wrong. The hell? They can hear it. They're like dogs. In their defense, I did watch this.

This is pretty cool. Watch, I forget what it means, but the T-A-M-I, there's a show where James Brown was on the same show as the Rolling Stones. It's a very fun video to watch. And James Brown found out he wasn't closing and that the Rolling Stones were closing. And he was like, nobody follows James Brown.

Like that's what he said. He buries them beyond belief. You've never, dude, watched this performance of James. You've never typed in James Brown T-A-M-I on your YouTubes and watch a man do work, dude. And he buried the Rolling Stones. It's insane. Do you ever see the Ginger Baker documentary?

No. Dude, he calls the Rolling Stones. He's like, they're gay. He was a drummer for traffic. And he was like the fucking cream. I think he was in traffic, too. Superman. Not a lot of people know about it.

I could be wrong if I'm so pissed. I know it was a blind man. My bird blind. I fucking don't fucking know. Oh my god, dude. Why are you taking it slow today? I don't know. I just picked up on your energy.

I picked up my, not at all. I picked up on your vibe, dude. You see, I was like, let's take it back. Yeah, you're going to take it nice and slow. It is traffic. It's creeping along. It is traffic. It will crawl.

It's a good podcast. That's what you want on a podcast. It's just a nice, slow, quiet one. But they asked him about Mick Jagger. And he was like, that fucking faggot. He's like, he is. Oh, really? Fuck it.

Hit him with a fag, Joe. Yeah. Hit him with a fag, Joe. He did. He leaned back. He leaned back and went, fuck. He, and it was like the documentary. And it was like, all right, shit, man.

I didn't expect that. Really? Yeah. No one ever was like, oh, he's a god. He was like, dude, he's fucking gay. He used to try to get on our shows and like beat it. Really? Ginger Baker, you should, you would love that documentary.

Sounds like it. Dude. Sounds like this guy's funny. It starts out with him just being like, I was playing. I was drumming. I thought I was good. And I used to go to the all black jazz clubs. And they were like, he was like, teach me the secrets.

He's like, the black dudes are so good. And they were like, you need to do heroin. You'll never understand drums. He's like, so I started doing heroin and I was so fucking good. His son's a drummer and he just, all he does is tell his son he sucked. He like leaves the show. Son of a, come out dad and like, I had to leave. His son for a while resided in Parker, Colorado, the town over for me.

Really? So I've been in like an open jam with Ginger Baker's son. Well, how is he good? Play drums as well. Is he nasty? Whales. He's probably nasty. His dad's a fucking asshole.

Dad's a fucking asshole. Yeah. Are you a good drummer? Oh, yeah. Really? Dad's a nasty dude. True. Have you done heroin?

Come on. It's a family show. Have you tried it? I've, I've smoked it off of foil before. You've smoked heroin? Yeah. That counts. Yeah.

It's cool. You think you think this is laid back? True. We should get some dragon chaser going on. Yeah. That'd be a good podcast. Oh, yeah. Just sleep for three hours.

Then I don't know. Or like, yeah. It'd be lit, dude. If you smoked, did you ever smoke oak? No. That's the move. My friend used to get opium when we were like late high school or early college, lined the bowl with some like

balls of oak. It was chill. My one friend got then got very into opium. Eventually, the heroin. I smoked the opium once. I was like, it's all right. Not for you. Not a big opiate, dude, man.

I tried them, took perks, sip syrup. Yeah. Syrup's a good one. I wasn't really into it, man. I just felt weird. I was giggling one time. I like accompanied my friend to a drug deal and kept laughing at the drug dealer and he got very mad at me.

I took like a 10 milligram percocet and a couple of some other like rock set and drank the lean and smoked the blunt and just couldn't stop laughing at the drug dealer the whole time he was in the car. And he was like, what the fuck's wrong with your man? I was like, I feel like I'm floating. Yeah. I almost ruined it.

I was really sick drug deal outside 7-Eleven because I was being a fucking idiot. You're being a fucking fool. He's being a clown, dude. I was being. You guys, you guys want to know what else got me fuming this week? Yes. Of course.

Did you guys watch the Woodstock 99 documentary? No. Gardini was talking about it. Bro, me and the Goddog. You guys, Netflix is matching on the same stuff. Mombiles got us fuming Woodstock 99 fumed. That sounded pretty like, I sounded like. Oh my God.

So you're just why it's a fun. It's a good documentary. Yeah, it is good. And it, it literally looks like hell. It looks like the worst place I've ever seen. Yeah. I hate it. Yeah.

The whole, I've never watched a documentary with the entire time I was like, so you're double fuming. I was fuming at how awful it was. I mean, it was like 95 degrees in July. Everyone's outside, just on like in an old air force base. So it's on like, it was horrible. Yeah. The portapies, they all overflowed.

There was just shit everywhere. It wasn't like. Everyone thought it was. It was, I mean, obviously, you know, 90s. Everybody, they really went at the rape city thing. Yeah. I don't know how many were reported. That's, I think it was, it was like eight were reported.

Which side does that help? Only eight. Only eight. That's like one out of. You should have seen, you should have seen what it was there. Like if you saw that see a people and you're like, only eight people. That's more, that's more like, that's more rape town. Yeah, you want to talk rape city.

Yeah. That's rape bill. That's a rape bill. It was, it was rape bill. It was a rape, bro. It was, I bet. Incorporated rape county. I bet per capita, I bet per 100,000.

It stayed in the exactly how much normal rape is. Interesting. You know what I mean? Eight out of how many people were there? Everybody hammered and blacked out and in high school and college. True. That was definitely. In the 90s.

Severely underreported. Yeah. In the 90s too. I mean, probably hundreds of rapes. But we're back, we're back to rape city. It was rapes. It was, it was in fact, rape city. I know what you're saying.

Oh, yeah, I take it back. I'm not defending the rape city. The rape city part didn't bother me. I was like, yes, that was rape. So I hated, I hated everyone there. I hated the concert. But how'd you know how many, how'd you know how many took place? I think at the end it showed.

They said eight. And I remember being like, oh, yeah, that's OK. That makes sense. You're seeing crowds and crowds of people and they hit you with fucking the infinity and the whole documentary is like in toxic white men. I heard about that. I heard about that. Men are the devil, which, you know, that's not really that surprising.

But what was white? They're saying it was white anger. Yeah, it was white anger. Woodstock was kind of like the proto gathering of the juggalos. The juggalos were there. So I think it was there. Yeah. Yeah.

And I think that after that, they were like, oh, yeah, we should do this on our own. Cash checks, perhaps. Yeah, Gardini was saying that hell, like during the riots, you know, it's like all this white anger. It's like they were also blasting break stuff, dude. What are you going to do? Yeah. And when that comes on, you know, I'm trying to rape.

Oh, I have to. Well, my burning, burning, breaking, dude. If I'm mashing, first of all, if I'm mashing first of all, like I'm out of my body. Yeah. When I mash, I haven't mashing a while, but like, dude, when's the last time you mash? What was the concert? I think I know. Right on, chili peppers.

I mean, it was Queens of the Stone Age opened up. And I'm not used to the Stone Age tried mashing or R.H.C.P. Nobody was he's just bumping into people standing there like, Hey, Mr. I think I tried to fire the pit back off, dude. It's like, you're like, score tissue. I was like, yeah, Queens of the Stone Age pop. Mosh pit was lit. Just flailing toward under the bridge.

I fucking hate mosh pits. Dude, they fucking bother. You're a big dog. Everyone's going for it. I've never been in one. You got to protect your knees, man. I don't know. I don't love them.

You think I go to music where they have mosh pits? I do. I don't go. I don't. I don't go to concerts. Yeah. They're gay. Dancing. The idea of mosh pitting is gay. Mosh pitting rules, dude.

Yeah, it's a communal. It's going to be just moshing at my wedding. It's going to be. I will mosh your wedding. That would be nice to have the African-American side present their custom cultural dance. And then it's like now, please make way for the one. It's like a New Zealand wedding where the one side

does the haka. And then my thing comes out from your side. I will say the wall of death. Corn and Woodstock 99 was fucking sick. Shit, dude. So good. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, they got me fired up. That's actually what led me to watch the James Brown thing, because I was trying to find like the best video or like concerts I've ever seen. Yeah. And then there's Metallica 1991 in Moscow. Yeah, I saw that video. Enter Sam Mann.

Watch the video. That video rules. It's crazy. Slayer in Sao Paulo, Brazil. Really? It's like 100,000 people doing the circle of death. I'm going to take a look at it. Fires me up.

Yeah, dude. I like seeing it. I would hate being in it. Yeah, it turns your blood to electricity. I don't like that. I don't like. I would hate it too, because having grown up going to hardcore punk shows, they always go for your knees

because I was always the big dog. They would try to take your knees. They take the big dog down, dude. Yeah, it's a point of pride. I'm not doing this. You don't have to. It's Gulliver's Travel. You're in a hell.

Dude, it's Gulliver's Travels. Exactly. You get a bunch of little mall employees. Try to tie you down. It's just mall employees, dude. And they see a big dog, and they're just all starting to turn on you. Fuck them.

And you like this stuff? You like going and bumping into the guys? Yeah, as a kid, when you're not getting laid. It's like, let's go with the fellas. Yeah, let's just fucking touch each other's bodies and slam. Shirtless. Should have just had a dynasty in NCAA. I mean, I did do that.

You did both. I'm multifaceted. I don't like that. Yeah. That's not for me. Yeah, I know. Dude, the pit. Dude, if the wall of death closed in on you,

you wouldn't know what to do. I've only ever done that. Matt, you didn't have a fucking mosh pit in your life, dude. Holy Queens. There was like seven people washing in Queens. Dude, like the wall of death, dude, at Dobega? Yeah, fucking already invited me to go to a music festival. This year, I was like, no.

Really? Yeah, he wanted to go like Bonnaroo. I was like, dude, I'm not going to that. I'm not going to stay in a fucking tent for three days. Sleeping in a tent kind of rules, but. Sleeping in a tent rules when it's not 900 degrees and you're not waking up hungover. Yeah.

Oh, my God. And when you're alone in the piece of nature, it's great. Yeah, man. I only slept in tents in my backyard in my parents' house. Ooh, the adventure. Very fun. No, that rules. The worst, I slept in a tent.

I went to, years ago, my friends took me to Firefly. It's just we were, I was like 27 at the time and I was, I felt old at this place. It was all just like 19-year-olds. And I slept in a tent. I never. Maybe I should go. There'll be babies.

You can have babies in your tent, but dude. Can you? That's a selling point. Yeah. I didn't realize you had a vent in the tent. So I just slept in a purely zippered up tent and just woke up like, I'm dying. Never not woken up in a tent like that.

Dude, it was fucking hell. Yeah, it is hell. You could have died. You could have passed away. You could have fucking died. A guy died in that Woodstock 99 documentary. Just one? Just pretty funny.

This guy, he was like, I can't, he had a journal. Kept a diary. He was like, I can't wait to mosh for Metallica. Was it Metallica or corn? And he fucking died. He was journaling at Woodstock 99. Yeah, he was journaling. What a wieness.

And then he was like, I can't wait to get in the mosh pit for Metallica tonight. It's final words. And he fucking, how did he die? He had a stroke. In a tent? Not in the tent. He's just dying outside.

Do you think that was the last thing he heard and saw? I was like, I know, it's a funny approach to the tunnel. It's actually, it is a cool way to go. Yeah, to enter Sam's dying while Metallica is on stage. Just fucking true. You pissed. You didn't go to hell. You're like, what the fuck?

True. I was being so devilish. I was a wicked guy. Yeah. He seemed like a sweetheart. He probably was, man. Yeah, he was keeping a journal. He was real sweet.

He was a sweetheart. Yeah. A lot of metalheads are sweet babies. That's the one thing I hate about them the most. They're like, well, you know, they're all like, don't you fucking put your hands on women, you piece of shit. Yeah. Don't you worship the devil?

Yeah, I thought you guys were devil worshipers. What the fuck, dude? You should be advocating. You should be cutting their heads off. Yeah. You should be drinking their blood. Spirit. You're getting into spirit cooking.

I'm familiar. Dude, you know what I forgot about was when you're high. What do you do when you're high on drugs? We were talking about this in Boston, like yorping or? Oh, torping and soplar? Torping and soplar. Soplars, where you just go, psh. And the demons.

The demons scatter. But if they don't scatter, you gotta torp. What's torping? Bah! Man! That's a, I mean, you gotta be careful. And have you done this? No, I didn't need to.

I told you. I remember I said, if you pray, you don't need to do this. Oh, yeah, if you, yeah, I fear God. If you just fucking dial in the ultimate boss, dude. If you fear God. If you just gotta, if you just connect with the Brahman, you don't need to do it. No, what are you talking about, dude?

The Brahman. No, you need to worship God. I'm on the fence, dude. Worship Jesus. The Bible rules, the Jesus rules. Bit of a stickler, though. I'm reading some of these rules. I'm like, dude, come on, man.

What the hell's wrong with that? Like what? Like, dude, well, it's funny. I'm reading the Bible the other day. And it's like, do not pray like the heathens where you just recite your prayers. And he's like, pray like this and just says, you're our father. I'm like, well, you'd be pissed if you know what people are doing.

Yeah, yeah. So I've been tripped out on a variety of drugs. And I've never torped or severed. Serberage, whatever that. Yeah, I've never barked or squealed. I'm telling you, man, I've we were squealing on those mushrooms that time. Boy, where were we ever, you know, Danny Ravito?

Oh, my God. That was so brutal, dude. Also, I don't know to pick with you. Why? You call me out for not being able to chug beers as fast as you. And what happened? What happened before that? What happened?

I was neck and neck. Please tell me what happened. What happened? You bested me. But also, I want you to know this before you try to cast me in a bad light here. You brought this up. You brought up the chugging.

I quietly laid in wait. And I said, this guy's going to make a fucking ass about it. He picked the wrong gunslinger. So you challenged the chug. He brought his guns to town. No, my opening offer was not to chug out of a glass like a wuss. Out of the glass how you chug. Mine was to shotgun beers.

And you were like, oh, I don't like to do that. I get gassy. I didn't say anything about being gassy. I'm always gassy, Sam. I don't fear gas. You fart like Hitler. This is what happened. Sam came in and was like, I'm the root in this, dude.

I'll take anybody off. And I said, no, you don't want to go talking like that around these parts. Sam was like, I'm from Colorado. I'll take on any commerce. And I said, that's a course light. That's a silver bullet. You just took a leather glove off.

And I went back down at the bar, dude. How many times you guys chugged twice? Twice. Yeah. How close was it? It was close. Whoa. Yeah.

That's what happened, Sam. I wanted to shotgun because it's. You made it a contest. You got embarrassed. I need the best tip. I need to make him submit to my will. Sam, yes, you hold your ass in front of everyone. No, I didn't.

I was a worthy opponent. You were a worthy opponent. I do agree with that. Shotgunning spills a lot, though. Yeah. I'll spill. You can just fucking let it out the side. I have a tool.

I have a nice glass of doom. Gone. See you later. I'd like to blast some shotguns. Get back to the guest house. That's what I said. We're in the bar. I said, boom.

Bed time. You were in the guest house. I said, Sam, it's bedtime. Get in there. I had to go down the street. It's your duck tail. I went to bed. I had to kick the can.

No, we didn't talk to him. We ate the mushrooms. And then we were rude to stand up. We were mean to talk. Oh, fuck, dude. I haven't I haven't laughed like that. That was him. Oh, man, just trying to gather our composure up on that roof.

And they're like, oh, we got us. I took my shirt off. We were being disrespectful. It was very. Yeah, well, yeah, I guess from his perspective. Again, we could tell he knew. Yeah, we were up on the roof, just scream laughing, screaming about his dog eating his cat and then him having to do anything

athletic. No. Humanity. Just the idea of him having to spring into action. Oh, yeah. It's great. Like smoking to be like, good God. It would have been a real Hunter S. Thompson type.

Dear God, the cat's gone to hell. Look at the meat wig. No. Brutality. It's going to suck people. You foul. Brutes. What have you done? The beast.

Then we were like, we have to go down there and be nice to Doug. He's a legend. He's putting us in demand. And then we went down there and he has this prequivity to like ask you if you know some road headliner from 1990. That's what he always. Every conversation is like that. Yeah.

So we come down the stairs trying to center ourselves. We were, you know, yeah. You're torping a lot of a lot of beef in and squiffing and then. Then we get down there. He turns on his bar stool, wearing sunglasses at night with his Mohawk and he's like, you guys know Danny Robito and we both collapse. He was human. Yeah, I don't.

I said, I said every every few nights, staying home would turn on you. Yeah. And it would be a rough night, dude. Every couple of nights, he'd be like, look at you. You fucking you're fat. Yeah, like something just out of nowhere. Fucking pant. Oh, my God.

Yeah, because I mean, or two, we were on different vibes, dude. We were mushrooms, laughing. He was drunk, angry. Oh, it was watching baseball. Just furious. Oh, that's the best. Drunk, angry. Dimebacks.

Yeah. Chainsmoking. Yeah. Oh, boy. Baseball is perfect for drunk guys. You can just like completely tune out for 20 minutes and be like, we got a ball game here. What are we got going on here?

Yeah, you can tune out. It's the one sport that you can see the entire story. Oh, yeah, they have a stat line. That's the game. Yeah, you don't have to be an active participant. You can see everything. Yeah. It's a great game to drink to.

Horrible game if you're not drinking. Yeah, worse if you're on mushrooms, though. Yeah, baseball. Let's go to the roof. Yeah, the roof was great. Yeah, I did. I took my shirt off and immediately regretted it. No, I didn't.

I didn't knock. I was like, we didn't really know each other that well. And I was like, I'm going to take my shirt off. And you were like, all right. Oh, yeah, I do remember that. Whatever you need to. Yeah, I do remember. You guys are on mushrooms.

You kind of want to. It made me slightly uncomfortable. Yeah, I know what that. Yeah. Well, it was weird. Yeah. That would have been beautiful if you guys went at it up there. Out alpha?

I kept it quiet. I said out alpha. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. I was. I still bear the mark of that lost chugging, though. And then you talked about it. And I was like, that's not the whole story. What would you say the whole story?

I wanted to shotgun. And then you're like, no, no. I was like, I'm just going to chug out a glass. Yeah. And then you were like, I'll kill you in that. And I was like, OK, well, I guess we'll find out. No, I did. I did get blasted.

Who witnessed this? Everyone who's cool. Yeah. All the cool guys in Bisbee. Doug, Tralee, Tracy. Whoa, Shane's the best. They did the worm. Everybody was excited.

Shane wins. Doug was like, you know a guy named Mark Tralee? Yeah. That's that might be the funniest possible thing you come down to when you're trying to keep it together. Bro, someone is whirling back in sunglasses. It does with that. Both of us are like, no, no, that wasn't a lie.

Man, fuck. He is the fucking best. He's so funny. Dude, that's. It's crazy. His setup sounds like a rule, dude. Compound. And he's he's a lot.

He's normal, you know what I mean? Like so like when he's not drunk in the morning, he's very like for like two or three hours in the morning, he's very much like, what are you doing here? What are we doing? This is weird. And then I'll start drinking and be like, there's always like a glimpse in the morning where he's like,

I made you breakfast. And then you sit there quietly breakfast with him. Oh, he reads his news. And then he reads and writes and does all that shit. Really? Yeah. All he eats is caviar. Like all he had was caviar and booze calories while I was there.

It's all I saw him consume. Really? Yeah, he does not eat. He has a bunch of like a cabal of people around him who do all his busy work. Yeah, I heard that kind of pumped me up. Yeah. He just kind of just shows up, gets hammered, eats caviar.

Now I didn't know he eats caviar too. Very enviable lifestyle. Yeah, he's got a squat. He's got a very tight knit squat. Yeah, that's pretty tight. They do rule. Yeah. And by do rule, enable him.

Yeah, they enable quite a bit, but they're having fun too. He's signing the checks. Yeah. Yeah. Are they sick of fans? No, not at all. And also he'll food shame. Aggressive food shaming.

One time, Shaylee made like a whole turkey. That kind of rule. And he's like, we're going to have a turkey. And I was like, awesome. And all they were cooking this turkey. And then the turkey's provided. And Doug's like, you guys ever heard of portion control? Jesus Christ.

Yeah, he hates that. You don't need all that turkey. He crushes that people. He found a fat roll on my side and put his finger in there and wiggled it around. It was the most violated I've ever been, dude. Yeah, he fat shames hard. Does he really?

He loves it. Is he ripped? No, he's emaciated. He's very skinny. He's got wagon train body, dude. He is. Yeah, he's from a different century. He's got like alcohol laborer body.

Yeah. Those dudes are like only chips at lunch and just drink a six pack on break. They're always like skeleton shredded. Yeah. Yeah. That's actually exactly what he has. He has that weird, like, you know, African gut

that's like distended, you know, from like lack of nutrients. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Once I mean when he like the first day was there, he took me to the bank and he's like, watch this. Hey, can I have $1,000? And they were like, sure. He's like, I don't even need to show my ID.

All right, man. Cool, cool party trick. Kind of funny. I can't believe you're trash and Stan. I'm not. I can't believe it, man. It is funny to pull up. Like, I have a thousand.

That's because, that's because, yeah. All the good things that come from a book. Doug favors you over me. Of course, because I'm another author. Because you're an author. Yeah. But I would never, I would never bash him like this. Yeah, you've never bashed him.

I would never do what you're doing. You should write an expose. On Douglas? No. I support Douglas on Samuel. On me? Yeah. I might have to.

I'm going to call Doug after this. Right at tax. I am too. I'm going to call him first. I actually, did I tell you this? I'm going to call him faster. After I did Rogan, I was like, full crabs for all. I was like, what did I say?

And I thought I talked shit on Stan Hope. So I called him and I was like, I think I might have talked shit on you. Yeah. And he was like, I don't give a fuck at all. Right. And I didn't. He's unflappable.

He didn't care. Did you promise I didn't talk shit on you? No, I texted him and I was like, I didn't talk shit at all. I'm crazy. Also, me saying anything about his bank antics, I don't think, is I'm not condemning him. I just wouldn't do it. I wouldn't do it.

Shane's just getting in your head. Shane's in your fucking head. Shane loves to live in my head. You can get in there. Shane's the best at that. I don't know how. I mean, I value our friendship. We have a great friendship.

I know, but you guys being so close, I can't imagine some of the things Shane has done to play with your mind. I don't fuck with that. You can only get in for playing video games. I don't fuck with Matt. Only for playing games. I don't know why.

I never fuck with Matt. I never fuck with Matt. I never. Well, Matt's a dickhead. I'm a stone wall. He's an actual secret. He's a fucking, he's a dickhead, dude. I've seen it.

Ice as hell. No, I've seen, I've seen what you've done to people. You can see, I work subtly. I work in a subtle way. He works very subtly. It's always, this is his move. He'll compliment himself while digging you. It's very funny.

It's very funny. I've seen it. Yeah. And also, when we've joined forces a couple of times. It's pretty devastating, dude. When Matthew and I team up and, I mean, what happened to Beezer and Wood every single time we played NHL?

When you guys put him in the doomsday device, did you come off the top row? It was, it was insane what we'd do to those two. It's, it's a, it's the complete will of God that we weren't somehow we didn't end up in like the CIA fucking with like foreign countries. It'd be so easy to topple foreign governments. So easy.

You just destabilized South America. What we did to the bees in the wood, man. They turned on each other, dude. We made them actually not friends. You puppeteered their downfall. Yes. We're playing NHL. If they started, if they started getting up,

we would just absolutely destroy morale. Yeah. It was, yeah. It was easy. It was easy to make them tell. All you'd have to be is like, who's red? They kind of suck. And then they'd be like, it's fucking six.

Just right away. They wouldn't be like, it's not me. Dude, you don't get any fucking goals, dude. Or we just praise the other guy like, dude, blue is nice with it. Blue is nice. It's actually got this fucking chump on your team. And they'd be like, we just have the classic like,

you know, you know, mastermind and then giant galoot. That's just, you know, the archetype. I mean, it's a good combo. Oh, yeah. It's a deadly combo. Stick him on people. It's a good operation. It's also funny because me and Matt know each other well enough.

We can see each other get mad. I could always tell if Matt's going at somebody because they can't. Yeah, he's very subtle about you. You wouldn't know he was talking shit. You would just slowly start to feel insecure about things. Do you have that thing where if anyone mouths off to Matt, you're like, yeah, ready to go.

Definitely. But nobody does. Right. No, rightfully. So if you're you're a unit. Yeah, I mean, yeah, is what someone got me at. Where was that? The contest at the stress factory. I was happy on that. I had a shitty set.

It was it was very mediocre and a dude followed up and started talking shit. And I was like, fuck this fucking guy. I was fucking I remember he was so angry. He was the only time I've seen him spaz. Yeah, like that. Dude, I was so fucking mad. And I remember being like, it's all right. Like it's because he right when the guy talked shit,

I was sitting next to Matt. So the guy talked shit and I looked him out like, oh, like thinking it was funny. And he was like, motherfucker. I went back. I cost him afterwards. Yeah. What did you do? You just told me this.

He was with it. He was with it's great. It was just it was quiet. This is one of my more psycho moments. I like went up to him. He's with his girlfriend. I was like, hey, man, I said, he was like, oh, thanks. And I was like, dude, if you ever say shit like that ever again,

I'll fucking kill you. He was like, I was like, fuck, fuck with you. I'm fucking kidding. I looked at his girlfriend and I'm fucking with this guy. And I was like, I'll fucking kill you. I realized he was being a psycho. I was like, I'm fucking joking around. Really?

On the way home, like, I don't even care, dude, whatever. Fuck it. I was like, I'll fucking kill you. Doing that and be like, fucking around. Well, we both got fucked. You got fucked so badly that. Oh, that's stunk, dude. It was the first time.

We did it twice. Yeah, I got fucked. The first time he lost to a guy. Yeah. It was one on one. It was a comedy competition where you went one on one. It was March Madness. Yeah.

And Matt lost to a guy that was it was such a fucking bullshit. When he before he lost, I was like, watch, I bet you fucking lost like it was that much of a guarantee he won. It was like a bringer situation. He packed the crowd with his people. No, it was their club. We weren't we didn't.

Oh, home cooking. Yeah, like the they judged it. Then I saw I went I saw your sheet when you lost. There was he did very well and one somebody gave one judge. One judge took like a goose egg on there just to toss the score down. Yeah. And I was fuming.

Oh, bro. I was fuming for a year so much so that I went back the next year, dedicated my entire set to making fun of that judge and one I advanced and then didn't show up again. And I eliminated the guy who I think got Matt the year before. Wow, vengeance. And then I didn't go back. Yeah.

It was nice. That is what sir. You know what? It was a fucking Eric Terrell. The one time. Remember that? I drove. We do this might be the meanest

I have ever done. This is crazy. This is truly crazy person behavior. So Eric Terrell. He's black comic from Philly. Very funny. We're in the car. The reason I say is black.

You'll see. So we're in the car and we're talking because it was me versus him and I drove him to the event. And I was like, you'll be fine. They just love all that like hacky fucking black bullshit. Like all you have to do. I was like, no, dude, you're going to do great. That's it's so easy.

All you have to do is say you're black. And they're going to be like, oh, so then he gets on stage in his first joke is I'm black. And he was like, I saw it like, oh, fuck. I saw it, dude. I saw the moment his eyes went. Yeah. And it's a dude.

I've been shamed. Yes, it was nice. Yeah. Yeah. And I eliminated him and then didn't go back. So I just drove him to the thing, eliminated both of us. What a power move. It was great.

Yeah, I feel good about it now that I'm bringing it up again. It was pretty funny. That was very funny. You drove, too, didn't you? Yes, I drove. Those are roles. You're pushing the roles. I was driving the roles.

I do remember that. I remember, I forgot about this one now. I remember seeing the moment his eyes went. You see him start to think as he's doing his act. And it was like, I was like, oh, my God, your seed. I tried to do that to Reggie last night. I did a show with Reggie Conquest and he was following me. Yeah.

So he was like being nice, saying like, just take it easy. Like, don't do what you're going to do. I was like, I'm going to fucking bury you. And it goes as hard as I can. I didn't, by the way. And before he went on, I was like, dude, you're fine. Just do the fucking cute stuff you do. Like, you're likable.

Just go smile, do cute stuff. Don't take any chances. What are you saying? He was like, fuck you, dude. He was like, I got a Kobe joke I'm going to do. I was like, what? Open with it. And he did.

How'd it go? It was good. Hell yeah. Yeah. Reggie's very funny. Such when that backfires. It did backfire. I got him back.

I was very mean to Reggie last night. Good. Rightfully so. So much so that like. You got him back for what? Well. Your thing that worked. Don't worry, I got him back.

He escapes my hate just for no reason at all. He escaped my psychological torture. So it was, it was Che's show. So Reggie stayed on stage. Reggie went last and stayed up there. And him and Michael Che were talking. But nobody asked Reggie to stay on. He just stayed on because they liked doing that.

So then they tried to bring me up. I said no. Then they eventually they coaxed me into it. And I went up there and just attacked Reggie the entire time. Did you really? Yeah, it was very mean. It was bad enough that people after were like, are you like, you guys are fine.

Dude, it was just joking. And like I came up and like said sorry to Reggie. And it was just making it worse. Because it was just joking. Of course. Yeah. It was just guys goofing. You guys were goofing on each other.

Yeah. What were you, what were you stamping on him for? It was like you bombed and then lingered and stayed to bomb more. And no one wants to be called a lingerer. Yeah, he was a lingerer. Oh, that would kill me. It's like, dude, what are you even doing here? Yeah, but it was funny.

It was funny because he did totally fine. Of course, yeah. And I did not. I had a fine. Perfect. I kind of bombed. So I was up there like you were the one who bombed. It was a massive, it was a massive projection.

It was a, yeah. Oh, absolutely. What do you think I am, dude? You are a projector. Constantly projecting. We all are, to be fair. True. But, dude, you're projectors.

You're pretty nice at it, though. Pretty nice at projecting on people. It's pretty awesome. Thanks, man. Pretty dark shadow. It's always this kind of. 01:21:09,460 --> 01:21:10,460 Thanks, guys.

Nefarious shadow. Thanks. I'm actually a nice guy. I know. This is true. Yeah, I can come for that. Don't you guys say I treat you boys well? You're generous.

He's a nice guy. We were really in our courtship, though. I was like, I don't know where I stand with this guy. Really? Oh, yeah, I was testing you guys. I don't know you that well. And you were treating me like some, you know, bringing me into the fold.

I was always, yeah. Well, that's because you're good at standing. You're very good. Well, I know. Well, thank God. Yeah, if you weren't, I'd be like, this guy's a fucking weird psycho. Well, that's how it is in stand-up.

You're either a completely weird delusional psycho or you're actually good at stand-up. Yeah, there's really no. Or you're earthquake and you're both. True. Yeah. Earthquake and Bruce Bruce are both like scary men. Really?

Dude, did you ever talk to Bruce Bruce? I have, yeah. He's one of the nicest dudes I've ever met in my life. I was felt intimidated the whole time. Really? Yeah. Dude, I had a blast. He would, they would call him on stage and he'd be like,

I would, I was hosting for him. I'd be like, all right, like I just said your name. And he'd be like, did I ever tell you about the time? And he would talk for like four minutes. Yeah. And be like, all right, I'm getting up. And he'd just do it. His song starts over.

Dude, it was crazy. He was funny. That dude was very, he was very sweet to me. I'm going to call him on a nice week. I wasn't allowed in the green room. What? Yeah. I was hosting for him at the black club in Denver,

the improv. You guys are both big dogs, dude. You didn't want to guys take him. True, there was definitely a big dog. I was a skinny little white boy. You didn't want to be near the deli tray. Yeah, dude. You should have just got in there and put a hurting on it

while he was on stage. Oh, when he was on stage, I did, of course. I mean, obviously. Well, his entourage watched me like just handfuls of turkey to get out of there. The entourage is the best, dude. Again, different experiences. Rules.

I remember Faizon Love. Oh, yeah. Nice dude. He had like, I swear to God, it was like five guest spots. There was a dude who just like owned a convenience store. He was like, I'm thinking about getting, owned a convenience store in Ohio. He was like, I'm thinking about getting in to stand up

and did like bomb for 12 minutes. Yeah. It was crazy. Yeah, it was crazy. And he would just be like, all right, man, go ahead. Like, I wasn't even supposed to host. He brought his own host. And I was like, oh, shit, I guess I'll leave.

And he goes, nah, you're fine, man. Go on. And then there was some guy. I was like, hey, I flew in from Ohio. And he was like, yeah, go ahead, man, fuck. Yeah. Super nice, dude. Have you seen Faizon Love's DJ Vlad interview?

What happened? I watched TV. Oh, he's just on there talking about how if he ever runs into Cat Williams, he's going to fucking kill him on site. And like. It's on site? Cat Williams? Why?

Like how Shug Knight is a pussy. And like how he doesn't fear any man. Dude, Faizon loves the man. Yeah, he's ruthless. Took me out to the shit. Took me out to a diner afterwards. Took us out to diners. What would you guys eat?

What did he order? We got some breakfast at night time. Sure, yeah. That's the best. That's some breakfast at night time. God, I love a waffle after a good night. He was cool. But yeah, now I like him even more.

Now he's on site with Cat. I can him and Cat Williams are like diametrically opposed human being. So yeah, because Faizon, I think, can handle its business. And, you know, oh, yeah, I'm sorry, Cat. Cat, I can't handle this fucking bit. That's a fucking hard. Yeah, you're talking about.

Can't handle business. What have I done? I come to these coasts and all of a sudden. Yeah, you trash and stand up. I'm boiling these. No one's trashing. Stand up. I'm not Reggie Conquest.

What? Now you're trashing Reggie? Oh, no. There's so much blood on my hands. So what kind of business? Walter. What kind of business? And I've done it.

It's just pink mist. Whenever I shut my eyes, I'm slaking the blood of my enemies. What kind of business do you think Cat doesn't handle well? Well, soccer, soccer with little kids, obviously. That was bad business. Fighting children. That's you got to handle it as far as the foremost. Business, dude.

Yeah. I strike here in the hearts of the kids around me. They tell you I come. Kids try to intimidate me the other day. Call me a bitch. I was walking on the street. They're called. They're called me a bitch.

And I was like, what the fuck do you say? Like, nah, man, we're kidding. We're playing. I handle business. Yeah. If I had to go toe to toe, I'd go on toe to toe. The dudes, the old black dudes that hang out at the little lot next to my house handle fucking business.

So one of the kids threw a rock at his back. I must be the same night because they were carrying these like decorative stones when they have like when they laid the new developers put these little saplings. They put those little river rocks and the kids picked them up and I watched them walking around with them. I'm like, you motherfuckers, dude, you better not. So I'm walking by them the one night.

That's what I'm like. I got an eye on them because they have the stone. And all of a sudden that's when they're like, what the fuck? You know, you fucking bitch ass. I'm like, what the fuck do you say? And they're like, no, no, no, no. So then the old man, they had a stone. The old man's like, put that shit down, man.

What are you doing with that? And they were like, all right. The guy said, it's like I turned around and hit me right in the fucking bag. He's like, so I jacked him up. I jacked him. What guys? You like grabbed him and put him on the wall.

I betrayed my cousin. I had a bit of a violence against my cousin. What? I hit him in the back with a rock. It's traumatic, dude. Dude, you rocked Albie. I held it up and he started running. He knew I was like, I'm going to fucking hit you with this rock.

And he started running, pegged him back. Smooth, jagged. What was it? I don't recall that. It was enough and took him down. He fell to the ground and cried. Whipping, like a skipping stone at someone? That's quite the tactic.

It's pretty skilled. And that's also, I hit both my cousins with rocks, but same group, same family. We used to play a game. It was almost like it's kind of like botchy ball. One, our cousin would float. There was a creek and they would float on a raft. You would throw rocks and see who could get the closest.

I connected pretty good. And then I got told on. We used to have mud fights at the compound. Before we built the houses on it, everyone would grab the mud and toss it. Every now and again, someone would put a rock in a mud ball. It's fucking winging at you. Fucking sucked.

I love a mud fight, man. Dude, mud fights were fun. With trustworthy competitors, if it's just mud. True. It's a blast, dude. Yeah, sure. But somebody's going to put something. It's like a snowball situation.

Snowball, rocks and snowballs is the most classic. Or taking gop stoppers to paintball. Whoa. Yeah, I knew it. I'm so bad at paintball, man. Either freeze your paintballs or you bring some gop stoppers. Yeah, frozen paintball. I sided with you during that debacle.

Because I'm just a human target. There's no way I'm hiding. I can't slip and slide around, of course. Now, imagine how delighted all your enemies would be. Yeah. To see you get lit up. Nobody wanted to shoot you with the paintball gun. Everyone would have.

Everyone would have shot. You think so? Yeah, he would have been like, oh, ouch. Durham. Stop, I said stop. I'm out, I'm out. I would have quit. Billy.

Billy, oh, I saw that. Billy was nasty. Treacherous. Dude, that photo of Billy in his blood without any gear on? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Mount Rushmore of manlyhood. They're the bros, dude. True.

Cardino, where are we at? Yeah, it's rapper. Whoa. This, my audio get all weird because I'm holding this because it's starting to slink down on me. OK. Thank you, sir. Well, what you guys got?

Nothing. I got shows. I got this weekend, albeit the Pittsburgh Improv, then the fifth, sixth, and seventh, albeit the comedy at the Carlson, I think, is in New York and Rochester, 12th, 13th, 14th, albeit Zanies and Nashville, 19th, 20th, 21st Stress Factory, New Jersey. Now I'm taking some time off.

You're going to relax. Got a nice beach house that no one's going to go to. What are you talking about, dude? Everyone's abandoning me. You think you're going to get abandoned down there? It doesn't matter. I'll go by myself. When's the beach house?

Well, I don't know if everybody's invited. I'll be there. It's August 30th to September 5th. I got the beach house in Panama City, Florida. Then on the fifth, I'm driving up to Tallahassee to Notre Dame, Florida State. Oh, good for you, Paul. What a nice time.

That's fun. I think my Paul might come. Is he? I think Phil might come down. If the Paul comes, that'll be crazy. What if the prophecy is rain true and you guys both die and go to heaven? You guys might die in fucking Tallahassee.

We could have heat stroke like that kid at Woodstock, dude. Tallahassee could be hot. Your white rage might boil over, dude. My white rage, yes. Notre Dame loses and me and my Paul both die. I think all the rapes. Hell, yeah, dude. Sam, what you got?

Just at SamTalon on Instagram, buy my book. Run in the light. SamTalon.com. Yeah. Yeah. I've taken all of August thoughts for a similar situation. Hell, yeah, dude. Family time in Michigan with the wife.

Oh, nice. Fuck yeah, dude. Yeah. Hell, yeah. September 22, helium comedy. September 22. Don't miss it, dude. It's going to be lady.

Don't my family's going to be yelling at me the whole time. So many of them are coming, dude. Oh, no. It'll be fun. They'll have a good time. That's not fun. It'll be fun. Why are you, what are you lying?

That's a fucking nightmare. Check, dude. The check's going to be cash, dude. The check will be nice, but. I'm just all business, dude. Those motherfuckers will be yelling. Oh, yeah. I hate when fucking Haas shows up.

The Haas will fucking get in there. Haas will just, yeah. He whoops it up. Haas whoops it up, dude. Look, I heard this shit. Will Ajax surface for this? Ajax said he bought a ticket. He will be there.

OK. What? Oh, this thing's going to sell out alone on just. That's what I'm saying. The meet and greet of all the McCusker. You see the whole squad, dude. Wow. You're going to definitely have to add at least another show.

You think so? Absolutely. I'll say. Yeah. September 22, dude. Actually, I might do it anyway. Just do something a little more intimate. Yeah.

Yeah. It'll sell out. They'll both sell out. Can't do crowd work with the family. Oh, I will. I'll do it. Oh, yeah. Hell, yeah.

That's the best crowd working to do. I'll just talk shit to my family. I hate it. They'll get you. They're true. They know all my dirty secrets, dude. Dude, they're going to yell it back. They're wicked.

Yeah, true. It'll be fun. I'm genuinely looking forward to it. Of course you should be. But it'll be. We'll see what happens. Do I have time? We're going to have a short Patreon

because this show starts at an hour. Oh, shit. Yeah, fuck. All right, then. Thank you for listening to it. All right, Dan.