Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 359 - Cinnamon (feat. Nate Marshall & Lemaire Lee)

Episode Date: August 22, 2021

Hello. Audio only this week. Our sincerest apologies for the delay. Please enjoy the comedic stylings of Shane, Lemaire, and Nate.    Support the D.A.W.G.Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod Support Panties in the Mouth Pod @ patreon.com/pitm

Welcome to Matt and Shane's secret podcast. Matthew is not here. We're doing audio only. This is the Second attempt at this podcast has been nothing you guys are supposed to be tech guys No, I think you're just lying to get around That's Nate Marshall merely guard dogs here, we're gonna probably sub Lamar out at some point if you don't do well We're gonna pass the mic over You will just know that Yeah, you're like a starting quarterback. It's like on thin ice. I'm gonna give the back up some rotations here How was the first how's the first take the first day? It was actually pretty funny. Yeah. Yeah, I used all my topics literally

That was pretty much it I'm back We can we can get it going or organically the listeners should know that it's very hot We're in my hotel room in New Jersey and this hotel's air conditioning has shut off We've decided to go with the what my school used to do I went to a Catholic school and we would turn off the lights. We had no air conditioning Yeah, so when it was like a hundred degrees out there would just be like look we're gonna turn the lights off That'll cool you off school was expensive to go to two wasn't no not at the time. No, it is now now It's now they got air conditioning

It was still like it wasn't like a bad school But it was it's weird like Catholic schools you'd pay tuition and you'd go to the shittier school Yeah, the public schools in my area were way nicer. I went to Catholic school I was guaranteed to pay that extra tuition to just have less minorities You went to a shittier school, but it was just white people. My capital school wasn't that white actually really African-Americans in Catholic school. Why I don't know I love it Well, yeah, well in Harrisburg has Bishop McDevitt. That's where LaShawn and

Ricky Waters went I love I did. I love it Give me black Notre Dame None of us were Catholic though. So we still had to go to mass and everything Yeah, good, but but we never really got to participate because everything that you did was for Catholic people So like we'd have to go over for collect communion. Hey, but you couldn't get me just couldn't get Yeah No, it felt like it though because everybody who was there who wasn't Catholic was black Same thing same thing when it came to confession like we couldn't we couldn't confess our sins

Why didn't you convert It's bored and also not everything has to be exciting and hopping around and dancing Maybe once or twice you sit back and listen No, I hate white Christians Yes, it's it's unbelievable I had to go I had to go to a white Christian wedding once it was So my ex went to Messiah College. Yeah, which is by it's in mechanics We're gonna it's like a very big Christian school But they're like devout intense like they don't like Catholics type Christians and they like

They're it's a dry campus. Obviously. It's all that but every everybody that goes to Messiah College gets married like they're freshman They all get married. Oh, yeah, it's a wife's school. It is. It's a wife You should go there But I had to go no, they would have no idea what You're on the beach with them night Shyamalan I was gonna go to school to be a pastor too. I bet you have that public speaking No, I'll be sorry we're not doing that see there's one thing so I said that racist thing about hopping around and singing Yeah, I want to make sure

There's something going on in podcasting where like the white guy who has black co-hosts or whatever they can they tend to abuse their Stature in comedy to say like out-of-pocket I know we're obviously we're friends You know, I mean, I can't think of the examples of that when we don't record I need If a more Higher-up white comic is with a minority They feel free to speak however. They want

Always talk on speakerphone Yeah, I didn't even know But I had to go this Christian one of the girl I was seeing when this one of her friends from Masai College was getting married And I had to go to like a weird Christian wedding first off. They were all like 22 and then the fucking best man From the groom. He was like, I want to this is for you guys and he came up and sang a Sang a religious song for like their love Did he write it and no, it was from like the Bible

Okay, dude, and then every if you ever go to one of these weddings the pastor is always like oddly sexual He's always like you guys need to reproduce like the whole time He's talking about like the fruits of your loins Hopefully a lot of them are supposed to be and they are yeah, so this is like a religious when they fuck it's like religious Everyone's like yo Wait to you guys you guys are gonna you're gonna get some pussy tonight, dude, and it's gonna be the worst It's going to bleed Do they really have butt sex and stuff in the meantime to get around it? I'm not sure I've always been told that was a Catholic thing

I don't know what the Christians are up to Christians don't do Christians do hand stuff. Really? Yeah, they're hand people No, yeah at the I used to go to a lot of a lot of the youth Ministry like retreats. Yeah. Yeah, and they will do that's where they be. That's where they breed That's where the Christians meet is the retreat to get their boots in there Yeah, play some basketball and that hard carpeted court I will say though if you did if you did save yourself for marriage It probably would be like oh, this is a religious experience

You waited till you're like 23 and only fucked one lady. Yeah, and the first time you fucked you cream pie You literally must be like holy shit. God is real I also think those are the people who marriage will last actually long for it because you don't know about fucking other people yet No, you do not so you're like wonder. Yeah, it's no wonder. It's just like this is what it'll be Whoever I can arrange marriage Indians stay together forever. Yeah, you get locked down by outside forces Yeah, but nobody else ever like tries to like Out by the race marriage you stay together forever. Oh, that's why I believe they do I do see them all together a lot, but I that could I don't

I could be wrong I think I've seen the data that arranged marriages work. You think that's out of fear of the headings or no Nate Oh Dude his summonage, I think he's probably in this hotel It would have been nice, I've been I've been calling for his head. No, I was that was an old that was an old testament thing That bitter bitch Before anything before I was humbled by God I'm a nice fat bitch. You're humbled by the liberal. I was humbled by God, but uh

Yeah, I was wondering it was funny last night because I was like if I saw his summonage and he was like, oh, hey Like you want to come get a drink or something? I'd be like, yeah Then we'd get drunk and I'd be like, dude, who's mean on my podcast to you like what? I have not I'm sure I would be nice. I'm not I would be nice. I mean, that's the thing like I'm not gonna like call him out. Yeah, I'm never you're not gonna call out other comedians to their face You're not gonna go and be like, yo, you're fucking special suck But uh, yeah, so we're up here the AC is off. We got it's nice and dark It's cool as it is cooling down cool and I'm cooling down, but I'm not gonna complain. That's my life. Take your slacks off

I'll be honest take your pants off recross your legs because you're the bottom of your I'm a change barefoot right now Yeah, look, we're in your space, you know It's not it's just that you like The way we're all set because we're all very tactically sitting around here be trying to find a Seraptiously It's tactificiously That was the racism I was talking about I'll take it easy Apologize we're in a box one defense against the room's heat

Do you know what a box and one is yeah this and then one who's one just somebody I know You even know what you're saying if somebody did that to me I'd be like what the fuck So you don't like seeing bare feet must be a cultural thing My have nice feet Are you a fucker No, I don't need I have none of that a little shame. How do you feel about ear licking? We're talking about ear licking Oh, I can't get enough of it. It's the best done to me

Really What depends I think it does depend who you're with because I've been with women that I didn't appreciate And when they breathe into my ear, it's like you Like a pug Doesn't do anything A whisper Just a shit talk just get a regular whisper in there. Just like a nice whisper. Let's go to the grocery store You're like we can't go to the grocery store right now. I've had girls like whisper like

Female comics like during a show whisper in my ear. I'd be like, all right. We got to go myself It's like You're not fucking probably so it's different when it's somebody you're going on. Oh, yeah If my girl just whispered in my ear out of nowhere, I'd be like it's a fuck off Your lady comes and she comes give your ear a nice dog what's going on with the sound I see a lot of adjustments It doesn't help me with confidence I don't think I mean this I don't and I don't I do nothing to help with the technology, but I don't think anyone

I've seen it Matt has been doing it the whole time and he doesn't know We just it's like no one knows how things work They just know what it's supposed to look like so they're like this cord goes in one of these holes And then you turn dials. We all watch the same YouTube tutorial Everybody was just saying YouTube tutorial And then I go and do like these big podcasts and that's just like the same They sit down they've camera. They do all this stuff and we don't do any we're we are Fucking losers. They all promote stuff

Why don't you do that? I don't know I'm so bad at promote. I got to start promoting things We're gonna get ads too. You should wall mart. I would say a Walmart. Oh, ooh, my Walmart won't help but Fellows the listeners out there. It's time for us to probably get some ads and you're gonna like them It's gonna be fun if you guys had any idea how much money we have blown We held off as long as we could we're literally talking like a hundred thousand dollars Just to not have ads was it a pride thing like we're going to stay true Yeah, definitely. Well, it was kind of a pride thing. We're both me and Matt also don't know how anything works

Yeah, and then it was once I found out how much money it was I was like a holy Fuck Like we've been mad for years and be like, you know, no gods no masters All right, fucking Squarespace Yeah, we compared to our contemporaries we are not making But uh, anyway, anyway, Nathan, I'm glad we ideal sponsorship ideal sponsors. Yeah, I do like bluetooth It would be nice. It'd be nice to have some free samples laying around. Yeah

Feel like ravages somebody you're like, yeah, just got one hit him with the business But it's I'll be honest once you use something like that. It's pretty hard to go back Especially if it's if you use bluetooth the first time you hook up with the girl and then the second time it's like well, it's usually doesn't happen Because I don't use them I don't ever use those Until I have before But I'm I'm convinced I'm gonna have a heart attack. So I take like half of one. Yeah, because they're not There's no way those things are fucking safe. There's like sponsors. Does it work this?

Yeah, they're just selling it to people who listen to podcasts. Yeah, it's just a bunch of dudes And like on porn ads is what only place you see it Actually do you should get you should get uh that porn game that one porn game you always seem to be an ad Yo, I saw an ad for a porn game that got me fired up. Dude. Was it the one with the white chick? I watched the ad I've never watched the ad I watched the ad I was like, holy shit that ads got everybody that's incredible It's just a lady at a keyboard like and you hear the Yeah

It's such good acting. Yeah, she's like talking. Yeah, perfectly. That was Damn, you gotta put that one. That's the best There was a couple ads Maybe a couple ads that would fire you up a little. They'd be like a gift or like a yeah, just a lady Somebody just ripping apart some of the yoga pants Just pants and a lady I hate the solo always surprised the solo ads of a lady like cam ads. Yeah, get out of here Yeah, yeah

Yeah, I mean I'm watching a lady and then they talk the cam ads girls they talk it's like watching the ad they're like I want you to fucking jerk your cock Turn the volume down Now then that's when I'm just like I gotta go to j.o.i. now Yeah, you like j.o.i. I don't like it, but sometimes I need it. Yeah, sometimes I need to be kind What is j.o.i? Jerk off instructions You might like you're getting told how to do it by a lady. Sometimes I forget, you know, I just Yeah

What the fuck were we talking about before that ad that oh, yeah, what ads I'd like to get sponsored by that ad Yeah, that ad That is fucking nice. You got to put that one at the end of the podcast. No, that's the end of the podcast No one's gonna ever get to the podcast If you put that ad in the podcast people would stop the podcast to jerk off If I hear that I'll go right back. Yeah, you can't like Jerk off of that like all right now. I'm gonna listen to the boys. No, you cannot if you do and if you do that's inappropriate It is inappropriate. I had a lot of time in this hotel before this podcast and I chose

Deliberately not to master it. It was a risk. I don't tell you why because that is bad. Juju. Yeah in this room Talking the hot and that's where I would have done it I lay on the and if I jerk off in a hotel room, I lay on the floor Really Okay, all right. No I get on all fours I jerk off In a three-point stance

Okay I am at my grandmother's house when I live there They will be upstairs. I would go to downstairs. It'd be night. Maybe I would just say that I'd sleep on the couch because this was I sleep on the couch that was I'd sleep on a good hot box your grandparents basement with farts Yeah, I unbox my grandmother's couch with farts And I would like kneel next to her. I'm sorry to cut off. No, but it's definitely going to be an incredible story

Man, you must have just a stinkiest little fucking Fartin and beating off in the house You and your brother just two units just farting This is squishing And just leaning off All right, how would you beat off in your grandma's house? I would kneel next to the side of the couch put some paper towel down Yeah, I would get on my knees

Like don't my knees have paper towel down Yeah, I was praying so you would get on your knees and jerk off. Yeah. Yeah. It was nice on the paper towel. Yeah in front of you Good That was five times a day How I mean, good god, how old were you? Uh 23 We knew you then Yeah, dude, I knew you

I was thinking you were like fucking 12 I was a grown man You're a grown man sleeping on your grandparents couch Wacking off like a freak Dude, what if she would have caught you no, no No, never I made sure I made sure I was pretty gotten you know my grandma my mom called me once not like at doing that She just walked in my room Wait, she caught you whacking. Yeah, she didn't tell me. She just told my dad like

She reported to your dad. She reported to my dad and my dad was like I heard your mom called you. I was like, I didn't even know That's I was 15 that time I never got caught but I got I heard my I heard my mom accusing me I was in the bathroom and I heard her like I guess it was like in the middle of the night I was taking this shit. I was taking this shit, right? And I heard her talking to my to my dad like in their bedroom when I heard him go on just like no, let him be let him be I just heard her like mumbling or something. I'm not gonna piss on myself so he could jerk off And she comes up to the door she's like nathan I was like I'm on my way out

I'm almost done Mom I'm not coming I'm shitting I swear like I take like I take long dumps right like they never quit like they're like 15 20 minutes And so but I think for like most of my life. She always has thought that I just every time I'm in there I'm just jerking off So she's always like accusing me again. You're always in the bathroom Just stopped in like my mid that's how I that's how I got caught in the bathroom Well, they didn't catch me but I my sisters relayed the information to me

They're like, you know, everyone knows you're jerking off in the shower and I was like, what? You know when you're lying and it's just so clearly No, I'm not Yes, Nate popped the shirt This is a sauna It got so much hotter I Nate what do you think about the afghanis? How do you feel you gotta be cheering for the talban you hate america?

Why do you think I hate I'm actually on the other side. I don't hate america. America's got some fucked up shit as a black person Okay, of course, there's things whatever but I like it here man. It's wild I was watching I went down like and this is like a newer newer feeling for me I went down like watching a bunch. I watched hours of just vice like documentaries on other places and everywhere Not everywhere so much worse Oh my god. Yeah. Yeah, I'd rather duck cops for the rest of my day Nate that famous voice actor lady who played uh, mercy in brazil. She got shot

They just picked her up and killed her like and she's famous. Yeah, what was the voice? It was uh, it was a video game character It was a hot nurse on the video game. Hot nurse back to brazil. Cortana too from halo. Cortana got murdered. Cortana got murdered Damn They finally got her I wish I did the covenant finally got her The covenant got cortana in brazil The arbiter Damn, she got shot in brazil. Yeah, damn. Yeah, what was she doing brazil for that's where she's from

That's where she was living. Really? Yeah, she was just living it up in the favelas getting wild Oh, wait worse. Was it one of those swords from halo? That's terrible Although the arbiter wasn't dude, I love It was the first three the first story was fucking sick, dude the first request the first time the flood came out When they had to link up. Yeah. Oh, that was exciting. So when they had to link up when the aliens and Master Chief. Oh, that was part two. Yeah, thank you. You got to be the arbiter. Yeah Arbiter with the sword. That's when they first introduced the sword. You gave everybody that uppercut. Yeah

Remember the hammer when you can knock the rock Oh my god, oh man online halo used to be very fun. They're making a new halo, but it's going to be more like fortnite Where's battle royale? Yeah, I think they're fucking it up. They'll probably had us old modes. They do have it It's like going to be like quality. I'm a geyser now. So the video games are passing me by You don't you don't I still play them. I don't even like them. Just shitty. I just sit and play for hours You don't have a good time at all. Sometimes I do but I like I like offline I like playing like a season in madden MLB season

Yeah, but they've ruined that I play the show But it's all online like madden madden's terrible Yeah, and they don't change the season has been the exact same for like 10 years Nothing. I have a theory and I might have just it's because there's no NCAA I think once NCAA comes back that was always the lead horse that always challenged madden to like try new You know, I've got another angle on a similar 2k football when 2k football went away because that's when EA bought out They bought the rights to the NFL and so they don't even have like competition

That's why double A is EA also too. Yeah, but it was always a better game Yeah, they only hit the stop by far. They only hit the stop because of uh, like paying the players. I think right here so I can't wait that I think the deal for the NFL and EA runs out like next year. Oh, really? Yeah, like with the next 2k was so good. Yeah. The last one happened to you on the cover. Yeah, that was incredible First person. Yeah, the first person sucked. It was so exciting. Yeah It was the first time you had like a house. Yeah, he had a crib hit the bottle. Oh, man

Yeah, those are the days and then you would beat off on your You'd play NFL 2k and you'd be like, all right. I'm done and you get on your knees and beat off next to your grandma's key I can't believe you said 23 He was 100 pounds heavier You're now tall and you're a fucking unit Yeah, you and your brother are the funniest. That's such a funny combo. Just two dudes doing weird shit Jips is in Philly now. Really? Oh, he's living it up. He lives with you. The plague has been unleashed upon Philadelphia

That's the last. The Philly did not need an autistic, more autistic black man coming through Oh Yeah, I'll never I bring it up every single time I see you but YouTube destroying fucking air mattresses It makes me laugh every time Just do bash brothers Just do big dogs just hot box in a room and How are the farts dude between you? New queer

Didn't you have a joke about like like a long time ago about y'all farting together? Oh What would you guys do we put our bus together? And then we fart, you know, it's like the sea of burps will come out like cartoons Thomas Edison Doing the experiments that needed done You wanted to put your ass together to fart to see if burps came out How old were you 28?

Oh, fuck dude How old were you for this one? That was like a 10. That was like 10. We're all right. All right. This is before after you just squeezed the frog to death Before squeeze crazy they are murders Oh, man, but it was all sweet. You guys never did like bad stuff, right? No, not on purpose Just mice and men Just two lannies I don't squeeze a frog

How guilty how guilty did you feel after you've much I didn't feel any guilt It's like it's already in the bag. I would have I would have cried and told on myself Yes You would have cried if I don't know. Well, how old were you? I was like 12 13 I would have had some pretty serious guilt. I'd be carrying it with carrying it with the frog. Yeah If I smashed a frog out of just being a weirdo Just I was it was like an impulse some weird impulse. Yeah, I feel Is that how I don't even know the whole story about yeah, I was he walked past a frog in a bag

Squeeze the bag Oh, you just like you just without thinking it was like I need I need some much the frog. Yeah, I picked up the bag. I saw the bag in the frog and I was like, what happens if I Okay, I thought it was fake so I squeezed And then when it's arms and legs started When it started begging for help No, I just I heard his bones crap and like It was like a little boy, it wasn't like

It wasn't like a big old Oh, fuck dude, you didn't you ever do any weird Kid stuff you kill any animals? No, man. No, I was this freak. The gardeni. Gardeni goes out and terrorizes his local pond He just kills fish near his house all the time. I have a friend who used to kill him for like fun Fish when we were young and young teens and we'd go to the pond. My friend hunter would chop him up just with like his knife for fun Whoa Fucking freaky. Also. His name was hunter hunter. I can't believe it wasn't Fisher. Hey, come on. He's a chinese man too He's asian and he was chopping up live raw fish. He's asian with white parents. He was rescued by great white parents

From thailand. He's not chinese And uh, and he also killed a rabbit with a rock once he threw it at it from so far away. He stunned it and it died That's actually a good kill. Hey, he's master hunter. He threw a torok Yeah, that's pretty powerful stuff Throwing a rock. How what was the distance you think? We were my friend chris rinand as his backyard. I'd say 10 15 yards still that's a good toss. Yeah, that's not bad. It was a tiny little landscaping rock too. Like this is a sniper bullet Just pegged inside

The girls there for the neighbor were there. They were crying. Yeah, I would have been one of the girls I would have been like, what'd you do that? The only dead animal spares ever sounds like a dog dying is my little sister. She was body and guinea pigs for us little Like by accident though like not on But the first the first one Guinea pigs get bodies. Yeah, guinea pigs and hamsters. Well, that's just parents just buy kids like rodents And they just destroy these fucking that's so you can experience death. Yeah the first time guinea pigs are fucking useless But she came into my room crying like just told me first like I just like I think I killed the guinea pig

I mean, it's probably not dead. She showed it to me and I like picked it up Back to legs like it's probably fine. Try to pick it up and then like put it back down and it just folded over She just and like as soon as that happened she just like busted out I We didn't fucked up things to my one friend My one friend had a bunch of these little tiny hamsters And when and we would always this is a mean thing we did but whenever he would leave the room The second he went downstairs we would throw him against the wall

We put him on like blankets and watch him Somebody I wasn't there for it, but allegedly somebody filled the sink I mean they just kept getting more A couple times it'd be dead It'd be like they're dead they keep dying I'm feeding them. I don't know what's going on He's smashed Oh, fuck dude the sound of a hamster hitting a wall is so funny Well, it's a really evil

When you're young you're a young man. You're just the devil. Yeah, you have all that about the calm energy You'd scare a dog Oh, what'd you do the dog? Uh, every once in a while we'd like shut off all the lights and put it under a plank and just scream Oh No, oh dude and now whenever I go there just barks at me and bites my ankles And the mom's like, I don't know why he doesn't like you. It's only like me and my other friend Good for that dog. Yeah, he hates what type of dog is it? It's a little yippy. All right. Good. Yeah

Yeah, we hate it. So that helps. That's basically a hamster He's a rescue though. They're like he's a rescue. Oh dudes They would put him in like a vest to make him calm down and I'm like, no, this thing's fucked up I know I feel pretty guilty about it. You should feel terrible Yeah, I'm relaxed. I mean it is bad, but you were a young man. They gave him a hot dog last time I saw him What happened? There's a barbecue and I give him a little piece. Oh nice. You were like, hey But he doesn't He took that reluctantly. He did one of like slow like

Just feeding a chocolate under the table Oh, fuck dude. Yeah, fuck it with your friend's pets. So funny. Just killing your friend's pets Oh, man. Yeah, when it's a dog though, it's sad. But whatever. Did you ever like uh, have any of your pets get run over or anything? No, no, that would have fucking killed me. We had a dog named cinnamon and it would just It would just get out. She would get out and she would she got hit by cars like three times She would get hit by a car and just come back home Yeah, you abandoned abandoned the dog Oh, yeah

No, you didn't You don't know So what'd you do the cinnamon just what what other dogs did you have that had horrific experience cinnamon and simba And simba was the one you abandoned My dad took simba to the he did the right thing was I I think he sold simba No, like he told the story just like you did yeah, we dropped it off at the park. That's somebody was like, what? What type of dog was the pit bull like a mix Yeah, after two days of being hungry, I bet he was not

All the child Oh my god I don't remember what happened to simba and cinnamon because that was the time my parents were getting like separated So I lost your dog too Oh my god Man, that's a dark story. Yeah, and did you like simba? Yeah, simba was did it? Yeah, simba was cool Me and my brother used to kick simba in the night Simba was cool. He's my best friend

He used to kick him in his balls sometimes Yeah, no, that's a fun get because me and jabrita used to do it We would kick each other in the nights and the dog was sitting there. We were like, all right. Let's kick him in the nuts, too You know Looks like you'll like it. Yeah How did simba react? You like kicking dogs The noise was so funny. That's why we did it more

The noise is hilarious bro This is not great So we've all confessed to pretty horrible crimes against animals Is there a statute of limitation on animal crimes? Yeah, but people won't like you We were all kids though. Yeah, when you're a kid, you're weird Yeah, how old were you when you're kicking the dog?

It was that 10 was a wild year. You had a wild year against animals That's because your parents got divorced. He squeezed the frog That frog paid for it, dude That was uh Just like like just How like this he's just a nice frog challenge And then a superior being just shows up just a god to this frog That just is

I found him in a bag. There was somebody caught the frog. It was like I'm gonna take this frog home It's not so fast my friend Somebody came back to a I bet they were like, dude, I caught a frog once and it killed itself Fuck no, they can't suck they can't I remember I went there like three times one week one one. It was for a week one week. I stayed. I didn't like poop You were you're a little chubby bro full of shit Just full of shit

Yeah, last day three days. How hard was that gum? And then what happened on the fifth day? I just couldn't hold it anymore. Where'd you shit? I had I went into the bathroom. That was a hurricane, dude. I shit. It was like outside bathrooms, too I shit and cried. I was like, I don't know what I do You Yeah, it wasn't a porter. It was like a out. It was like a big outhouse. It's like a group outhouse. Yeah How hard was that dump though? I don't remember I just remember getting up and be like, oh, that was what was wrong

I feel like I still remember a five day held in shit. I wouldn't forget that feeling. Oh, man I don't even know what the longest I've gone. There's no way I've gone longer than a day I get weird every once in a while. I'll just forget I took a shit. I'll be like, oh, I shit Yeah, I haven't There's a problem. I didn't have any shit today because I feel like we're shitting at Sean's house You had no problem farting down there It's not that Sean's house I went down in the morning at 12 to wake him up

And it's still there was some like musky The america went to slap the cardin's parents and slept till like 1 p.m. In the basement They were up doing like chores Was I snoring you guys heard me snoring too, I bet upstairs If we heard you upstairs that'd be insane. Okay. Yeah, I guess I'm well Yeah Oh The bees the bees you could hear the bees snores like a fucking dickhead

This just happened. This is very funny. So because I texted beezer because I thought he was I thought he was in this hotel Yeah, he was like, I'm in room 616 AC's fine up here. I was like, all right sick. I'm coming up I go up I go up to room 616 pound on the door and start yelling. I was like true This is a nice inside joke. I kept going true pounding on the door. Some asian kid opened the door I'm the candy man He's like, I knew you'd come someday for me He's like, that's that motherfucker. I had to say I was in I was doing a bit dude. I was pounding on the door

No, I said drew not you drew Pounding on the door and then I got done. I was like, what fucking hotel are you in? He's like, I'm over in this hotel I was like, why did you give me a room them? You know six snores like crazy Yeah, I probably do I guess I'll shut the fuck up Beezers the worst. Yeah, no, I had to I had to put like headphones to sleep every night Yes, it's terrible

That's I've shared rooms with them a couple times and it's like I'm like a girlfriend starting to wake up Throw pillows at him He talks in his sleep In his sleep, he's like fucking that sucks Hey, how do you feel about the little league world series dude? I can't get enough of it watching those young men play baseball America's game. I've literally never cared about it. Oh, you'd like it

I feel like I probably would it's it's the best sport to watch little league quick game. It's six innings They all they do is commit errors Routine ground ball or a fly could be a fucking home run. Yeah. All right. That's pretty dope. What are the scores like? Sometimes, you know, it's baseball. Sometimes it's like six to fucking 12 But they never just have like kids who are just yeah, but no There are some kids that are just dealing because every once in a while like a dominican that's 28 Just deal What's good is you get to see the young you get to see tiny guys take on fucking units

Because they're like 12 and 13. So some of them hip-uberty and some having So someone were like four foot six 58 pounds going against six three 200 It's crazy. You know, that sounds great. It's great It's wonderful to watch yesterday. We watched a young probably I think I remember he was 68 pounds. Yeah, and he struck out a kid It was my side He struck him out and hit the quiet to the bench It was fucking crazy. So these are all future Uh, major league baseball not all some future. No, but a lot of a lot of them do

Yeah, yeah, like everybody they'll they always show you who played in it Whatever happened remember that one girl from like a couple years ago. Wasn't she from philly? Yeah Yeah, there was a girl from philly who was in the lowly world. So he was like slaying What's she up to now? Chillin she's still playing baseball. She's like a little girl. Yeah Not that I'm keeping track I Was one I was yeah, never mind. I was about to ask a dumbass question. The heat is taking me. Yeah, I'd like to hear

Yes, this podcast has hit a wall like Oh nice, so she's in college. Yeah, it's doing it the Hampton I believe Virginia. Yeah, it is pirates I Think it's a Historically black college. Yeah, jid. I think jid went to Hampton and played football there a rapper Just facts. Yes, lady pirates

Are Mayor do you like pirates pirates are pretty What are you? No, no, no, I don't think I fuck with pirates Pirates are like pirates are like pirates are cool. They're like I was thinking about Somali pirates. I think Somali pirates got a bad rap I think it's fucked up. Those navy seals just executed them Those dudes. All right, they're poor Somalis. Yeah every day. They see giant Oil tankers from just this empire from the other side of the world. Yeah

And one day they were like, dude, let's go on these rafts and just see what the fuck happens We're living in hell, dude. Let's give this a shot Then they do it and then dudes just snipe them in the heads Like simultaneously And they probably might not even have had any idea that that was a thing that could happen They probably had no fucking clue what was going on. It was like the afghanis getting on that plane They got killed by the guy probably yeah, they had no idea how that plane worked. They were like, we can just sit on this We can just

They rescued captain phillips too. No, this guy's a horse feeder Yeah, he's like, oh, uh, zero dark 30. That was me. Captain phillips. That was me Diehard that was me And he would no he wasn't with the lone survivor They're on the team that rescued him. Oh, wow Seal team six or whatever. Damn seals fucking seals I'm not cool Yeah, I was thinking about that. There's Somalis. It's like a it's like a fucking sci-fi movie

Like they're live just like they're live. They're on like a stranded shitty desert planet And then there's just the evil empire flying by and they're like, let's let's take one of those They're on like the stranded shitty desert planet And then there's just the evil empire flying by and they're like, let's let's take one of those They get their fucking heads blown off Like they're feeling great. The us army was like, we've got to save tom hanks We can't lose one tom hanks Just blast these dudes heads off

Those guys are making demands like send us food. They're like kill these motherfuckers No, we want $40,000 like absolutely not we're gonna execute you guys We're gonna blow your fucking heads off You guys just stole a cargo ship. We need those We need more stuff Yeah, would you guys give it a shot if you were stranded? No, I was thinking about how cool pirates pirates are bros. They're just hanging out with the boys on the seas Yeah, that's the same years and pillaging my bad. I was about this. Okay. That's the same argument for like poor

Any way like here, of course. Yeah, it's just like Never I was about to go. It's like when you see people like Loot like riding or shit like that's like, yeah, I'm poor. I'm gonna take some shit right now. We're doing Yeah, of course I agree I agree It's very tough. You know what I think the problem is with that is I think people get offended not me I would not care about something like this, but when it's under the guise of this is justice. Yeah, let's not pretend it's justice

Yeah, I can see you know what I mean. That's when it gets annoying. It's like with the Simone Biles thing when she quit Yeah, she can quit that's fine. But let's not fucking jerk off all over ourselves to be like what a hero It's like dude, just relax. It is what it is. This is gonna sound dumb because I was very big I barely know what happened with that. I don't read anything. She just had like a mental health thing She was like, I I don't feel like doing this Yeah, now the the problem is Both sides of it people being like fucking bitch quit. Yeah, or which is a psycho thing to do It's like it's like dude, who cares you're not on the fucking team. She already have like 20 gold medals. She has a lot

but It's also like the other side of it was like She's the real winner of the olympics. It's like no, she's not she Yeah, they're gonna put a dnc next to her name when it comes to metal count Doesn't I didn't I can Uh, but the yeah, it's the same argument for like people trying to cross the border Did like yeah, I would Fucking Guatemala I'd be like dude, I'm coming. Yeah, Mexico looks I'm going to Kansas

I'm going to Texas. I'm going to a gas station. I'm gonna hang out at a gas station in America. I'm gonna chill at home depot Chill at home depot till somebody pays me to do nothing. I'm gonna go up that you can buy snacks Snacks they have Warehouses of snacks water is safe. You can go out past 6 p.m. Yeah Yeah, yeah, it's hard to knock those people trying and it's like just do it legally. It's like well then You gotta just wait four more years Your son has like a Contract on his head. Yeah, it's like no you probably won't make it to that to

No, it's a tough thing But you know what guys that's you're right pirates are the best. I like I support the pirates. We should all be pirates We would not be good pirates. I think we'd be good pirates. We can't figure out how to use a soundboard Vikings how do you think we like vikings vikings are like pirates. Yeah. Yeah, they would sail Vikings don't use fucking technology. No, they didn't probably wouldn't now You don't be a viking now. You gotta have a you gotta have a cruise. You gotta have a What what would you do if you were viking? Other than pill it

Obviously you'd pillage, but what else would you do? The other thing vikings are famous Those famous rapists Yeah, that's crazy vikings cosby wine scene all-time famous rapists Lamar's heroes Yeah, you hyped cosby's home. Look I know you are dude. I'm not gonna say a lot, but Um, you know kick back. Wait, are you actually not like hype? I'm just like

I'm hype. I'll tell you why I'm hype. I'm hyped because no no I'm hype because the way they got him in jail didn't work and the way they got him in jail was the reason he's out of jail Elaborate Well, because they tried to get him on a case That yeah where he like admitted something and they were like we can't use this against you Yeah, but then he admitted the crime that he definitely Yeah, well, he just said me but that could that could No, I'm not

Let it go I'm not I'm not no. I'm saying I don't I just the car the methods of him getting in jail were like uh We're just like it was fast and loose And him getting out of jail was because they use those fast and loose methods. Do you know what I mean? You should have been his attorney He'd be a great attorney Your honor, I'm gonna need a 10-minute recess. He goes on forts in the whole 10 straight minutes falls asleep falls asleep in the hallway

Has to get woken up like oh, fuck. I was supposed to help I was supposed to figure out what to say Yeah, they would be like well, we were lit again. It'd be like certain days where you could tell him It was just blowing up his room And he leaves the door cracked like his door cracked open and it was just seeping to the living room He'd be gone. He'd be like, yo the living room smells like Lamar's ass So I If I was there at farts the window would be open I just wake up

Maybe somewhere taking pictures of kids all day Lamar's job was fucking insane Holy fuck, I always forget you did that. That's the funniest. That's the funniest job I've ever They're the worst pictures. Yes Damn Yeah, we I got to the bottom I got him to admit this once on a fair one. He was like one of the girls was hot He admitted that I did say that

But he didn't say that One of the kids was attracted. I did say that. That's all right. You're being honest. You're allowed to be honest about things You shouldn't be honest about that Yeah Because I had a point I got it You were you had a point. You were fine. You were totally fine. You didn't say like a kid was sexy. You were like, she's gonna be pretty Yeah No, you said she was pretty at the moment

I think what I said was It's unfair that some kids grows grow up in their body first. Okay. That's what I said. That's enough. Yeah Jesus Christ, that's what I said I Yeah, because she doesn't get the chance to grow up in our brain, you know, like if everyone hit puberty at 17 Herbie's school photographer coming in what'd you say? What'd you say when you took the picture? I didn't say anything. Yeah, right? No, you got to tell them how to move without touching them. You just like gotta like rotate your Just grab the kids by the face

To the left Holy fuck, dude All right, I got it back to the cosby thing. It was mine. What'd you guys say you guys oj? I just saw that again that oj. You ever watched the people versus oj. Yeah, the one with uh Cuba. Yeah, yeah I don't like Cuba. You don't like Cuba. I heard he Tommy was telling me he got and he was kind of a deviant

Yeah, no, he got Some girl like yell that he grabbed her boob at a bar or something, but he was like, oh, no, I didn't Yeah, he got arrested Cuba batting jr. If you ask me But he would you guys think oj you like that one him getting free even though he kind of turned on black people I mean, he always he was never like when I kind of turned I think yeah, he was always he's always that's that's that's why he was like He was on your side until y'all turned y'all turned on him Well, he did cut a lady's head off. He cut a white lady's head off. You guys were it was a black lady. He was like, ah

We've all been there Every white person would be like he did what we all wanted He finally did it There's a story that it was oj's son that killed. Yeah, I've heard that What do you think of that? I think I like it clears oj You're talking about the thing where he said he did doesn't like being in california because he thinks the murder is Oh, no, but that's hilarious That's so funny. It's a man talking

It's so funny, dude Yeah, oj. I mean it's undeniably. He is the man What after what he did and just still talking shit He's like Tim Tebow Yeah, Tim Tebow It's me oj Simpson Man, I heard you got cut from the team You're like yo

15 years ago thinking about oj. You never would have thought you'd just be tweeting you'd be back in america's heart And everybody who just moves on that must kill those parents That girl That must be so annoying to see him on a golf cart every day like life is good, baby It's like you motherfucker The kardashians too the kardashians they didn't really I'm not a big fan Yeah, they destroyed No, I don't I don't I was just I do you like them. Would you like to have would you like to kiss some of those women?

I like cordy. Would you kiss cordy? We would all kiss all of them. Yeah, definitely Amir, what's your ideal girl not counting the girl you're seeing give me what she looks like her dimensions all that I want to hear your ideal woman now before I wanted a Puerto Rican lady to be mean to me That'd be nice. I'm pretty I'm pretty into black ladies pretty consistent But if a white queen showed up and it was like and tried to steer you away I think when there's got his foot down now and like black lady love I think years ago I think years ago. You know white queen. Yeah, I think so, but I think like what last two three years Union soldiers fall for black love. I'm here for black love. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I saw that black

We're sitting by the union. There's a union soldier statue down there. Yeah, we're paying our respects to it These two drug addicts started smoking pot in front of a union soldier. I like it classic. I did not like that There was black love there was a black walking by and I was like that union soldier. Yeah, he would have loved that There was an interracial there wasn't an interracial couple and I was like this union soldier would have been fucking This is not what I died for I just wanted him to get paid But So the mayor you're you're strictly

know what I think the mayor would fuck you would what the fuck are we even doing? It's hard because he's got a girl too We're pretending. Yeah, we don't fuck anything. I'm not pretending I don't think I've ever had sex with a white lady. Never ever. Oh, really? Never ever. Never ever. I've had sex six times No whites No whites. No whites. That's good. Have you had anything else? No, just blacks black ladies Damn! No, just blacks Yo, how do you feel have you got an only fans? Have you do you subscribe to beautiful ladies? Yeah, I had there was one

I'm sad. They're gonna be gone. Dude. It's closing. You know Indian lady also there'll be Puerto Rican lady black lady Indian lady Those are the three because one only fans I follow like one Indian lady I know one guy who's gonna be sad only fans is done. Oh, yeah, I know man. R.I.P. Do our sweet angel She'll find a way. Yeah, she's papered. I was if she was a girl Jenna is gonna she'll be paid I didn't support her before but when she goes to a new platform, I'm supporting out to support I'm gonna support the transition And then I'll fall back

Partake but I'll just donate to the damn I bet puppy girl age as well an elderly puppy woman That's it. No, that's how you're gonna like that. Uh, probably an old white woman in a cage. Just dog woman Yes, wonderful. Yeah, that sounds actually There's a couple white women I'd like to lock up Just have Hillary Clinton acting like dog girl. I'd like Hillary Clinton to have to revert to being resort to being dog girl But only fans Yeah, we gotta let go of Hillary It's time to find real problems in this country. Like Joe Biden climate change. I saw this video today. There's an Asian lady

Yeah Fuck your wife Joe Joe Biden fuck your wife is the is absolutely the new china is asshole Donald trump, don't trust china china is asshole. Man, that's so good God damn, that's good Biden's gonna fuck your wife is another classic That's a classic. The Asian community just drops fire every couple years It's Asian women it's Asian women just crush the funniest. Some fires me anytime minority is a

Uh, Trump supporter like an adamant Trump supporter. It just gets me going It's so funny to see it's like, I guess we are kind of right Just an Asian lady screaming at a white liberal Biden's gonna Biden fuck your wife Yes, dude See, he thought that was her. I thought that was her like on by inside like no, she had a trump had on an american flag, bro She was yelling at pussies. Yeah Yo, I thought I thought she was just riding for by buying so hard. No, she was riding for trump

She showed up to like a mask mandate fucking rally. It was like Joe Biden's gonna fuck your family If you keep this up It's because she's probably from a country where that's like a Probability So much power. He's gonna end up fucking somebody in your family. That's what happens I'm getting kind of cold. Is the AC working? No, you're just relaxing. No, I'm not I'm not poor I was pouring sweat this whole podcast and now I can see He'll be working they said they were I called the front desk. Yeah, I did I gave him a piece of my mind

So what the hell's going on? I'm here in sweat box That's what I'm trying to fart so you need a I'm trying to fart and jerk off before my show. I have six hours to kill I already walked outside for 20 minutes. That's it for the day That's a white wife's job is to call down and yell at the manager Yeah, that is that is the perk of having a white woman is just handling all the phone calls Although Matt Matt would argue that it's very very advantageous to have a black wife I know I'm sure because man, they can get away with the

Dish out the business and everyone has to be like, yes, ma'am I apologize, ma'am. But you just last night at the show. I had to just take it There's a black lady who spoke the entire show Loudly the entire show or the first yeah, okay And the whole I couldn't see I couldn't see but when I finally covered at the end of the show I was like, well, wait, would you say it? I didn't say anything. No, I'm saying I could see her Oh, no, no, no, no, it's just because of the lighting. Yeah, yeah, but I finally

Covered my eyes so I could see into the audience a little and that's when it all made perfect sense Everybody in the room was afraid to be like, please be quiet As they should if it was a white lady, they would have been like Shut the fuck up That's not true people be like the only people who don't let white ladies get away with a bunch of shit in comedy Clubs is comics. Everybody else just lets them do whatever Perhaps because comics will handle the white lady right away. No fear. I will I will say that but the crowd won't give a fuck Yeah, one time in harrisburg. I

There was a african-american couple And I was like being quiet. I didn't know they're loud as hell They were fine. The husband was enjoying the show. Yeah, and the woman just hated it Like you specifically. Yeah, he hated me or whatever was going. I mean, she hated everybody before me, but then I I accidentally told her to go. I was like just sit in the back You know, I mean because she was like upfront talking and I was like just go I meant to you know what I meant Sit in the back, but as soon as I said that I was like that came out I was like, I wonder if this is what happened with Rosa Parks

She's just in the front loud. So I was like just sit in the back if you're gonna do this But yeah, it was it wasn't great I think that how the husband react still think I was funny. She left Yeah, she got she got mad and left and went back to her hotel room and the husband stayed to watch the show We're the best. Yeah, we'll put our foot down. He was just like look. She's crazy. I'm watching this Look, I'm having a good time. Yeah, this is all right Also, yeah imagine the hell he would have had to have gone back to Some ladies like you're gonna let him fucking talk to me like that. Oh god. I'ma just go home

Well, we're divorced That's it. I'd rather die alone Have this one confrontation You're just like that's it. That was definitely the last straw. Yeah, I'm not it's not worth it Sean how are we on time here? Over one hour one oh six guys That's been Matt and Shane secret podcast. Wow. What a journey we've been on Nate and La Merit

You guys have anything to promote panties in their mouth panties in the mouth podcast. What a dumb name But it's a good podcast you guys and Andy Andy you two and Andy are a very funny group You guys are my favorite. No, thank you. Yeah um And we're gonna switch over to patreon join our patreon. I got I also gotta fucking promote the patreon I'm a fucking idiot You know Patreon no sponsors. No, I mean no spot. I'm leaving and it's not like podcasting is going to be around forever. Yeah

I'm just leaving literally with the sponsors six big For no reason for no real reason that's crazy because the ad reads will be funny. Yeah Having Matt and me try to read ad is gonna be funny Can you guys read? Reading publicly is very hard. I into a microphone. It's very nerve-wracking Were you bad in school out loud? No, I was okay. I was good, but I was always fucking around

Just fucking up on purpose. Yeah, kind of and if somebody else was reading I would like tickle him or yell at him Now I went to a bad school district, but I could read well, so I was showing out I was like watch me fly through this sentence. Damn I was that kid who would act out the book You know really what you do act outs. I was just like Yeah, what do you mean that kid? You mean definitely a guy with special needs? I can't read on my interpretive read What type of move give me an example because you have a memory Yeah, Napoleon is that the pigs name? Yes, like I would like to like do it in like a pig voice

Oh, that's nice. How would you do it? Always been a showman Yeah, give me it We're gonna take over this form. Yeah That's good pig talk. I'm kind of a thrall. Yeah, I actually like this I might yeah, I think no, I don't have a book You can read the bible this hotel's probably got the bible. That can be on the patreon We're gonna have La Mer read the bible like a pig on the patreon