Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 363 - Australia Does Not Exist (feat. Sidney Gant & Tim Butterly)

Episode Date: September 15, 2021

Hello D.A.W.G.Z. The Stoner Dads have joined the cast this week to hold down the fort in Shane's absence. And boy ... did they hold it down. Some old fashioned barbershop talk in this one. Matt got a high and tight haircut, but he's still likes to have fun back don't worry. And Sid has natural waves. Enjoy.  Support the D.A.W.G.Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod Watch Shane's Special @ youtube.com/watch?v=zKUpf1Vx0vs Support Two Jacked Bros @ patreon.com/TwoJackedBros Support Dad Meat patreon.com/dadmeatpodcast   Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Wow, Wow, Wes. All right, let's start, dude. Let's start, dude. How are you guys doing? My energy was fucked up. What do you want me to do? My energy was fucked up. Now it feels good.

Just focus on the hair cut. Dude, maybe make some muscles for the camera. Maybe you play. I have my fucking cop heads in full glory, dude. I have full cop head. This thing's made just, dude, if you do like a chin strap for a trooper hat, it would just by default. It would just fit perfectly right here. Yeah, man.

You need some athletic shades. I mean, dude, I got like keep it going. head. Like, those are the cops that are always out there. Like, keep it going, keep it going. Yeah. Dude, my hair starts getting it. My bangs getting my eyes.

And, like, I have no choice but to be like. My hair, my, and I fucking hate that. And I go, chop it off. And you get the big reveal cred. Yeah. I'm going to go home. My mommy's going to see me.

She's going to go, you got a haircut, man. He looks so handsome. Yep. That's what I got to do. I got to grow my hair for the year. That's what I hate it about. Dread.

It's like all the feminine shit that I had to do with my hair. Yeah, that kind of stinks. the time. Yes. Like, there's no manly way to put hair behind your ear. Actually, I disagree.

I think there's a lot of cool ways to do. I think, honestly, dude, you're really saying. That wasn't the world. I was getting, you get nice coverage.

My bangs, I get full Sean Hunter. So they're in my eye. I have no control over this anymore. This is the longest my hair has ever been. Dude, my part moved on me. I didn't do this.

Bernie pointed that out. She was like, did you part move? And I was like, come on, then she gives me like a full inspection after a haircut. She's like staring at me like, dude.

I tried to drop the, I tried to drop the part back down to the side, and you just look like a 70s child molester. He looked like a library pervert if you try to drop your part. So I have to leave it up there now. Yeah. I look like a fucking fat. You look good. As soon as I saw you, I said, I shouldn't have shaved off my fucking shit.

Wow. But you made the record call. Yeah, you know, the same time, I'm like, I needed to go high and tight. I got it in my head that people hated. I was doing stand up and I'd constantly have to move my hair. And I was like, this is pissing people off. That's a good feeling. I should have.

I should have it's whipped it, dude. Yeah, but I can't have any distractions. My hair starts hitting my face. I'm like, you know what's fucked up for me is I can't cut this now because I have an Olympics video game that I play with the kids. And my creative player looks so perfectly like me that I can't change my physical appearance. I'm never going to get this close in a video game again with a creative fighter. See, I get like when it's like when I get the bangs kind of binocularing my world, I get real forlorn.

Yeah, dude. I get real like Sean Hunter vibes, dude. I just get kind of like, dude, it's paranoia inducing too, like constantly having something in your peripheral. True. Like your hair,

like every now and again, a movement will just like pop your hair. What the fuck is over there? Yes, your fucking hair. Yeah, I don't like dealing with that all day long. My biggest problem is when I get sweaty

and I, like one piece of hair will scorpion tip into my eyeball. Yep. That's pretty unpleasant. Yeah, that stinks. Other than that, it's all compliments. Yeah, man.

I mean, people get pumped on it, but it's just like, if it was long enough to pony, I would have ponied it and kept it pushing. But it's like it wasn't long enough to pony and I said, I need to be high and tight right now. I might get really, you know what would be cool is getting really skinny and having a ponytail? And it's like never getting in the sun, letting your skin get a little bit gray.

Maybe you get some wireframe glasses. That might be cool. Like a whale man. You're talking about becoming like a whale man. A whale man? Yeah. You go to schools and talk about whales to schools. We had a whale man at our school.

That's exactly what this guy did. Word on the shit. Yeah. You got like a Velcro bra. bracelet. Multiple rubber bands in the ponytail. That's whale man status, dude. I'm not there yet.

I do want to grow a long pony, but I kind of like being high and tight and just kind of keeping it low key. You feel fast. I mean, the one thing I miss is feel in the wind on the side of my head. Yes. This is a little bit helmet-y, but it feels nice. Instantly, I felt lighter. I didn't have just like shit flopping around.

This is good. We've got three distinct vibes. Yeah, we do. We definitely do. I'm all fucking business. I might fire you guys mind if I fire my LinkedIn? These are you're going to fire us. No, dude.

You say you fucking can't. I quit. You can't fire you. I'm walking out now. True. No, there's no fight. Dude, I'm telling you. I'm all fun in games, dude.

Don't let this haircut for you. I still like having a good time. I just get, dude, I think I had Britney Spears. I just get like so impetuous. I'm like, I'm cutting my fucking hair. Whoa. Man, I didn't freak out. or anything.

But I was thinking about that today. I'm like, I do this all the time. I grow my hair long as fuck and I go, I want to cut it all off. And I cut it all off and go like, I wish I had long hair. I'm just a fucking mess right now, guys.

You know she's going through like a slutty Instagram phase now. I might be. She's funny. Oh, wait. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You're going to go Brady, dude. I was thinking about doing that the other day now.

Just like slowly working in the shirtless picks into my Instagram. You know, like doing it. You know, first thing, it will make sense the first couple times. And then after a while it's like, oh, is he doing this? Or you're like in bed on like an angle. There's some dudes that just live their life like that. They just get hot and like try to send like horny pictures out to the world. That's got to suck, dude.

You see that your grandfather was like a horny picture guy. That's disappointing. That would be so disappointed for your family. Do you see the shorts our grandfathers were wearing though? Like every Reddit like here's my grandfather. All grandfathers were wearing like two and a half inch inseam hog pressed against them. Yeah, dude. We got to bring it back.

I agree. I totally agree. If I, dude, if my, if my grandchildren grow up on the internet and they don't have any, like, check out how hot my grandpa was. I've failed them. Yeah. I have to get twice as jacked as I am. I have to get kind of slutty on the internet so that they can get like. True.

Yeah, but those, those fucking in the bed pictures, like holding the camera up at. When you, when a guy takes a picture like that, I guarantee you, when he comes, he arches his back. I guarantee you. Really? For sure. You think that's in like when he does, I see what you're saying. Do you think that's like. Like on his back.

He arches his back. Oh, he bridges. Yeah, he bridges when he comes. Yeah. And grabs the sheet. He grabs. He fucks with his legs together. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. But he doesn't do a power stand. You know, you know, when you're a missionary, you got to have a kind of a power stance. You can't go legs together and just merma you're telling me. He's a full nutcracker. Yeah. He's in a full nutcracker stance.

Yeah. He's in a full nutcracker stance. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, or he might just go full body stiff. He might just go like, I might go, I might fishing up.

I might go electric eel on my babe. I'm due. I mean, I'm getting pussy soon. You're a murad. You're going to start coming different? I might. Now that I have a haircut, I'm going to throw her off. Yeah.

Did you ever, you ever start about thinking about coming different? Oh, dude, all the time. I always change it up. Oh, you really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just fucking. I'm always trying new stuff. I, one time in college, as a gag, I was having sex with a lady and I started going like, ah.

I was doing girl sex noises while I was inside of her. It was pretty funny. I've tried, I've tried wicker talk during sex. That was the most disastrous one. Really? Yeah. Why? That seems like they'd be hot as hell.

It's the opposite. It's for sure the opposite. Maybe it's me. It's the wrong energy for me. True. Yeah. Talking doesn't work. It always ends up like, like, like a giggle fit.

Yeah. You know? I don't know if you know. notice this, but when you're having sex and there's like, there's a lot of giggling happening, like that's when the fart start flying. Yeah, it's the same stomach muscles. Yeah.

True. You can't have sex giggle and not fart. It's impossible. True. It's also nice, though, to slide in some giggling and then go full stern daddy and be like, stop laughing. Stop fucking around. You think it's funny? You think it's fucking funny

right now? Why a joke to you, you fucking slut? I was like joking myself He says there's something funny about me You fucking pig As soon as I started As soon as I started to come I'm going to disengage

You just go And just stop coming immediately Yeah I'm That'd be cool If as you're coming You're like And done

Hands off You back up When people finish a Rubik's cube I tried to do tantrix Like let it get there And just completely stop it And, like, dude, I felt like it almost like hurt my abdomen. So they were like just, you know, come like normal, but just don't let it out of your penis.

And I tried that. And it was just like, you tried to hold it in? Yeah. Or you tried to knock. Like, you tried to get to the brink and then stop. I try to have the orgasm without any fluid loss. Without any spilling the seed. And it was pain.

It hurt. Yeah. I was pissed. I think I did that as a like an adolescent. I think I tried to like, because I was so Catholic, I was like, it's definitely not jerking off if nothing comes out. So I would just jerk off. And I'd be like, I think. was a very unpleasant experience

you're fully edged and then some still came out so it's like great well I'm fucking they need to go to Catholic school and start being like hey by the way guys you can totally jerk off

it's fine you can totally jerk off don't get weird about it that fucked me up dude yeah I still have repercussions about that yeah yeah last night

last night I had a fucking crank went out I couldn't sleep I've been having insomnia yeah so I'm laying there I'm like all like and it's just come

induced insomnia I'm just backed up And I was like, all I got to do is come. I can sleep. And it was like, it's that the best thing, dude. You start praying. Like, listen, God, before you hear about this from anyone else, I had to go to bed. Look, this is purely mechanical.

Your design, not mine. I got to get this stuff. Yeah. No, I've, it's not like I feel bad. I'm just kind of like, I should be able to not do this. And then I'm like three hours in bed. Like, I need to go. I mean, that's not how the machine is doing.

You got to come. You do. Like, the machine has to come. I did notice, though, that if I don't, If my come isn't the result of, you know, my lady somehow, that I just feel sick. Like, even if I'm cranking one out, I have to be thinking about her. I have to figure out a way to, like, think about her. Yeah.

Yeah, all guys think about just a girlfriend. All guys think of your wife. I'm fucking talking about that. Every guy thinks about it. Obviously, dude. More power to you, man. It's like, uh, dude, if I have, if I, if I'm like, if I'm like, If I'm thinking about any other chick when I'm coming, I just makes me feel sick.

How would you battle a guy? If a guy came up to him, it was like, yo, can we talk? Yeah, he's like, look, I don't want to be weird. But I've been strictly masturbating to your wife for the last three years. I just want to let you know. I don't want to hold this in. And then they try to be like, there's nothing you can do about it. So you're just going to have to deal.

Ooh, that part I don't like. How do you fight that battle though? Until he says there's nothing you can do about it, I might be like, oh, dude, I'm so glad that my wife and I could do that for you. But until when he goes like, and there's nothing you do it about it. I might try to pull his head off. Really? Yeah, I think you'd have to resort to something else.

What do you mean? You'd have to engage him on that level. You'd have to just hold his dick. I would throw acid in my wife's face. He's got the memory locked in. He's got the memory locked in. You'd have to start jerking off. You'd have to find people he loves and cares about.

He's remembering a fictitious person. You'd have to find people he loves and cares about and get him back. So you'd be like, that's cool, man. Well, he's probably not married. So what? No. I would grab his dick. Siblings. Mom.

You know, you can. Just grab. Dibba's dick and say this is how she holds my dick. So now every time he's masturbating. Like he can't not have me in that. Whoa. No, no he can block you.

It's his fucking. Dude, I would hold his fantasy. No possible way. You know how strong of a mind you would have to have? Dude, he would call the cops and they'd say, what happened?

Like, he said he jerks off to my wife. They'd like, prove it, dude. Prove it. I would hold him down and suck him. True. Just a scar. Like, getting this out of your head.

Yeah. He'd never come. He'd never attain erection in his life. He might pretend your wife sucking him. He'd just be like, Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. This is the best. He could fight fire with fire.

Hold this trick in the book. Because if he closes his eyes, it's just the butterly down there. True. Yeah, that's a tricky, that's a tricky thing to, you can't really do anything about it. Like, if I were to call the president and be like, I'm masturbating to your wife. You think I would get like, you'd think they would come to, come at me or they'd be like totally within your right? God damn, dude. this is a first amendment issue.

Yeah. This is a 69th amendment issue. It's tough. I mean, how do you take it if someone would be like, yo man? You'd probably,

your first instinct might be to high five, but then you'd stop yourself and be like, hold on a second. I think I feel challenged right now. Yeah. Well, it would be,

yeah, that's kind of strange. So it would just be weird if someone shared that with you, you'd have to be like, all right, like, what are we talking?

Like, handies, what are you simulating? I'd have to know, like, what are you? Yeah, play it out for me.

Yeah, like spin the yarn. Yeah. He's just like fucking. It's just making you sick because now you're picturing your wife sucking some fucking in-cell. Yeah, dude. Well, you know, just curious what you guys. Some whale guy.

Like, you know, I'm sucking some whale guy. Look, I don't want to start any trouble, but I've been masturbating to the- Exclusively to your wife. Exclusively to images I hold in my head of your wife. Oh, my God. Dude, my fucking. I don't know. I don't know if I should name anyone's names in here.

A guy I'm related to told me that. that when he was married to this lady, one of his friends came to his job to let him know. He said, hey, man, I just need you to know this. And I just need to be up front with you. I'm in love with your wife. Respectable. And I think they, like, nothing had happened yet.

He was just declaring his intentions. Like, I'm just saying, you know, I'm in love for your wife. He told him he had a rival. That was commonplace back in the day. You'd be like, you'd find the woman you wanted and you'd find out who your rivals were. And you'd confront them. And be like, just so you know, you have a rival in her love and it's me

Wow you just go about like showing her Who was bawling harder and who was better Yeah well And you would like sneak away to woo her Bring that back Yeah dude I look Zanoni talks about it Fair fucking the fair lady has a

Forget her name But she has like tons of suitors and rivals Dude I Dudes must have one I think someone trades her for like a pussy back Yeah sorry I agree I mean I totally that makes sense Like someone traded her for a pig

Because I By the point like at one point dudes are just going to run out of money trying to get that pussy. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you need to have like a, your grandfather with just a mass wealth so that you could just be like,

beat some dude at getting pussy. Getting pussy was like making rap videos back then. It was like, that ain't their shit. That's all rented. They got to give that back. I mean, wasn't it all arranged?

Like, you know, you found another agreeable household. True, but like you'd still have to stunt on the girl and her dad. Because that would like, especially towards like the romance. I thought girls dads used.

to have to save up to get their daughter fucked. That's true? Depends on the babe. The dowry? Depends on the babe. I don't know. If it's like a slamming babe, you got to talk. I think it all took a back seat to like making sure your family got hooked up.

Yeah. But it's also like whoever's kind of come. Whoever's, there's a lot of it too would be like going into, you want to kind of like use your daughter to link you into a sick family, which. Yeah. That's got to be. I mean, you know, you get people who are like, I need a son. It's like, well, maybe we should start being a little more. conscious of how we wet our daughters and skis-man back snagging so imagine you have three daughters

you know like dude I'm gonna have like 60 acres dude you used to be so pumped when you had a hot though back before they invented wiggers dude you were so pumped that you had a hot daughter now it's just like please don't get fucking wrapped up with the dude the neck tattoo please true please do anything but that back then it was like oh my god she's so fucking now that I feel like now you can have a neck tattoo and it's like you know that's a bad example I hear what you're saying I hear what you're saying yeah still you might still be it's please don't date a bar back if you're close to whatever you do If you're a pussy with the neck, what would you rather have,

like, a pussy with a neck tattoo or, like, a dude who's really about it with a neck tattoo? Yeah, you can't, I mean, pussy with a neck tattoo is tough. You spend a lot of time, like,

there's probably a lot of dudes to listen to this that don't have kids. You spend a lot of time, like, just hoping that if you ever were cursed with a daughter, that she doesn't get wrapped up with any, like, bad business dudes, but, like,

it's so much worse imagining them with, like, a pussy. Yeah. Yeah. A wormy fucking dork. That would be brutal. How would you stop a bad business? Have you thought about this?

If a bad business dude, it's a, it's, it's quicksand. The hard of you, the hard of you try, the worst it's going to get for sure. Really? Yeah. No, I know what you do. You, you, you, you, you friend him and start inviting him to help you do shit around the house, like heavy. You're talking about Gran Torino.

You're Gran Terino. I hope so. You're Clint Eastwood. Yeah. You're going to Grand Trino. Wait, Sid, what's your strategy there? Are you straightening him out? Like, are you, are you giving him some structure or are you trying to wear him out so he can't

fuck your daughter? Well, he's so tired from hanging drywall. And he just can't lay it down. Well, I mean, you know, in theory, the kind of stuff that he'd be doing, like my kids would have been seen, been doing growing up. And when he quits, they're going to be like, oh, what a pussy. Yeah, okay. I would say, fair point. I would say higher private eye.

And you'll catch him doing. So it'll fight, like cheat or something. You catch him cheating. Yeah. But when a girl's going to do like that, cheating is almost cool. Yeah. You don't want to build something that they have to work on and change. Yeah, I guess you're right.

Because the more horrible shit that you find him doing, like the more he changed for her eventually when she figures out how to make him stop being that person. Yeah, dude, I saw a... Also, the more complicated you make the situation, like, there's nothing that a girl who's into that type of dude wants more than like a driveway confrontation that all the neighbors see. Like when you're putting on the fucking show and people are like holding you. back while you scream and point at someone, your daughter's just getting so moist. She's so wet.

That's true. Yeah. You can't. Stop, guy. Stop. Oh my God. This is crazy. Yeah, man.

Yeah. I'm just going to have him in the backyard picking up oddly shape bowers, grunt and weird. He's going to be like, fuck awful, man. I'm not doing this bullshit. Oh, he's going to have to contend with my jiu jitzy. That's what he's saying. When that dude, when that dude says like, nah, fuck this. You have to raise your daughter away.

She's just like, whoa, I didn't know you were a fucking bitch, dude. Yeah, you're not. respectful at all. Yeah, I thought you could fucking... So disrespectful. I thought you could cut a line without tape. I thought you could paint without tape.

Dude, my bad. True. This isn't what I was looking for. True. Yeah, yeah. That's something I wonder about. But I guess you could like quietly walk up and be like, pussy. Fuck you, bitch.

Fuck you, pussy. Just try to get him to snap. Like, what the fuck are you talking about, dude? No, dude. Or he's got you. You hit him. No, you hit him with that like, I've been jerking off to your mom.

I've been jerking off your mom. Or just hit him with like, do you like sex? And I start being like, dude, I'm really kinky, dude. I'm really, I celebrate sex. I'm like, ew, dude, this is fucking weird. Like, what's your king? You're just curious. You have to out sexual a bad ass.

A bad boy, you out sexual. Yeah. You just make him be like, this is fucking weird. Yeah, I do a lot of searching for like stepdaughter and her boyfriend videos. Yeah. So if you guys ever want to get down and it's just like, I'm just, dude, just fucking eating and being like, Have you ever been caught watching porno? Yeah.

What was your reaction? I used to banish chick in high school in her parents' bed. And any time it happened, that's a weird, I was just like, I'm going to have kids one day. This is going to come back to me. Yes.

Like, it was so, like, I was just like, I can't, this doesn't feel right. Dude, there's a thing with high school age girls where they want to have sex in

their parents bed. It's fucked up. It's weird. It's really bizarre. Yeah. Same thing in high school. And it was almost like, I don't want to go in there.

I was like, no, we're going in this bed. I remember just being like, yeah. I didn't see how fucked up it was at the time. I was like, whatever, I don't care of a bed I'm in. Now that I think about that, I'm like, that was fucked up, dude. I was, she was her mom and I was her dad, dude. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dude, it is my biggest fear. That's the final level of playing house. You have to get fucked in your parents bed. You're like, I'm done playing house. I'm done. I did it. I completed the level. Why do girls want to do that, dude?

Oh, man. I think that's like an animal thing. I could not place that. I think you nailed it when you rift the playing house situation. I think that's what it is. I think that's it. Yeah, I think they're avatari. Are they pretending that the whole house is theirs?

Are they pretending like, oh, my God. Look at this household I've cultivated while I get fucked. Oh, man, I'm so 43 right now. Being a teenager sucks. As soon as we were starting to have sex, you'd be like, hurry up, I got to do a bunch of laundry. My story's about to be on. I'd get half hard and be like, what is it happening right now? What's going on?

Yeah. That was so funny, having sex when you're younger. You're just like, I was talking to Shane today about how gas we get. I'm like, dude, I'm like fucking gas when I have sex. Yeah, you get sweaty. Heart pound. I don't sweat. Oh, yeah, actually, yes, I do.

And I don't sweat often. But, like, hearts is pounding out of the chest. And I'm like, he's probably not breathing. I know. I know you're not losing. Yeah, dude, you got to breathe. I'm a, I'm a big, good thing. No, actually, I have started to breathe.

Ever since I started doing tantric J-O-I's. Dude, it's so funny imagining Sid having sex. True, I thought about that before, too. If you think about how meticulous it is with, like, any kind of physical technique. I mean, yeah, as far as, like, breathing and stuff is concerned. Posture is probably. It strikes me as a hard eye contact guy. Hard eye contact guy.

Very eye heavy. I mean, it's just wherever the eyes go, they go. I do. I'm telling you. I thought about this two days ago. I was like, I wonder how sexy Sid gets in bed. So it seems sexier than it is, but I'm, I'm big on skin-to-skin contact. I need to feel as much.

You put the great vines. Do I get all of that? Really? We get all up in each other. I have sex like Noriega, dude. I just stand on the edge of the beach. bed. Did you ever, if you watched the movie, I felt like an injured contractor.

If you watch hip cramp, do you? I pulled my, I pulled my groin the other day having sex. Oh, it was a continuation. My groin was messed up. I think probably from skimboarding at the beach. Were you, were you standing and kneeling? One foot on the bathtub. So it was.

I'm like, I'm on top kneeling kind of in like a knees together like a mermaid. No, no, no, no. Yeah. Knees apart. Knees apart. Knees apart. Knees together like a mermaid. That's when you.

You're reverberated. I was working my way up to that. I had knees apart, a nice little triangle, a nice 180 degrees of power going. And my fucking left groin is slipped and went, eh. I was like, oh. And I just somehow just jump back in there. See, that shit doesn't happen when you got all that contact. True.

Eight points of contact. At least. I'm more of a power base. I like to just be kind of like completely as upright as possible. I can't, I can't get that vertical. I get pulled down. I fucking posture up

she pulls me I fucking posture up I just pass her guard the entire time fucking hands on the hips palms under her rib cage and then I come and I bend like a bow and hour

dude that would be good with a ponytail oh my god dude that's the only way I can come up I feel my ponytail just like tickle my butt that would do this

do you think there's guys who sleep with a ponytail between their butt cheeks. They look like a bone arrow. So, whales man's final test, dude. You have to sleep a whole night with the talk between your butt cheeks.

Oh, man. Someone definitely did that before. Oh, yeah. Definitely after the movie Avatar came out. There's been girls for sure that probably make it like super butt length hair. They probably tucked it between their cheeks and went to bed.

Yeah. Yeah. Any girl that grows her hair past the middle of her back is doing it for erotic reasons. And they don't even know it yet, too. Some girls do that when they're youngsters. Yeah. They go way low. Yeah, true.

Yeah, the girl in, I remember the girl in elementary school that would like hump the corner of the desk, had hair that went below her butt. It's definitely a sign of an out-of-control female libido. Your hair goes down to your butt. What's the equivalent in dudes? my haircut right now I just there was something about how badly I need to come

and that long hair didn't communicate it I went to my haircut and she said what do you want to do and I was like make me look like I have to come really bad make me look sexually repressed she's like I got you

whenever they asked you like what do you want to do I'm always like just like I'm 10 years old I don't care just caught it I don't care just too same thing you do caring about your hair is gay

Dude, it's crazy. I can never, they think, how is it? I look in the mirror, just be bushed. Whatever. When I used to go the haircutter, I'd be bushed. And I'd be like, it's good. And just walk out and be like, well, I got to wait three weeks. Yeah, I still to this day, 35, I'm just kind of, like, what do you want to do?

It's like, I don't know. I don't know. I don't care. Just fucking cut it. Just fucking kill me. When did you get it cut? Just fucking slit my neck right now. Today.

Today? Yeah. Man, I guess it's cheap hair. I remember when I was a kid, like, the day you got a haircut was probably. the worst you could ever look. And then you give it like three or four days, maybe like a week. I think they cover this on Boy Meets World. And your fly itself.

Yeah, you had like one good hair day and then it was too long. Yeah. It was just cheap haircuts. That's all it was. Yeah. This lady's been cut my hair for a long time. Yeah. When you get a haircut in the black, it's the next day your haircut is.

It's like the best of it is. So you got to kind of chill. Yeah, because on the first day it's like almost too sharp. You can still see like the lines from the razors. I've seen that. I've seen when people go like a little too well manicured. Yeah. Like, whoa, dude.

Yeah, you need one, like a good one or two days to let it, like, settle. Yeah, true. What are you doing in the meantime? I mean, you just like, du reg. Hit the rag. I mean, I was never, I'm a natural wave guy. I never had to wear a du rag. Do people hate?

Do you explain what that means? Do people who might not know? Yeah, it's like, so when you brush your hair forward as a black guy, you get to find out whether or not you're a true G or not. So if your hair waves naturally, you're a true G, if you have to wear a wave cap. Oh, so they're creating ripples? Yeah, that's why they're doing that.

Dude, it's crazy. It's crazy how girly black dudes can get, like, quietly. Because do you think it's tough as hell. What about the dudes that, like, are on the bus with, like, a wire brush just, like, scraping their hair forward? Are those dudes real or are those? I mean, again, they're trying to maintain something to happen naturally in my hair. I don't know. I don't get it.

I don't have to brush that much to get the way. So I thought they were wearing them just to look like Method Man. You're telling me there's like a pro. there's like a thing with the hair. So it's actually formulating those things. It's the whole process. You got to have, you got to use a thick grease, right?

You put the thick grease on your hair. You brush it forward. You put the wave, du rag on our wave cap, right? Yeah. And then you just like, the longer you have it compressed under the wave cap, the better,

the deeper your waves have a potential to be. Damn. Right. So that's why you see people with wave caps on all, like du rugs on all the time. True. I'm just trying to like... How come in...

How come they never took off like a trend where, like, I don't know, rappers or just like hood dudes were yanking du rags off of each other. Exposed? Yeah. I don't know. Somehow that got made gay. What? Pulling the dood rag off?

Yeah. What? It's like, like, messing with another man's hair. It's like... That's a pretty, that's a tight, that's a tight strategic maneuver. Yeah. I'm doing something gay, and if you were to do anything about it, you'd be more gay than me. The council was like, this.

This is pretty tough. You're fucking up my hair. You're fucking gay, dude. Get off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's pretty. It's just like the idea of it just sounds, ew, you ripping off another man's dude, like, ew.

Yeah. What did you do that for? Rub his fingers through his hair? Why'd you do that? True. I kissed him to suck his gold tooth out. Real gee shit. Dude.

I didn't know that. I actually did not know that. Yeah. I thought they just look cool. Yeah, not me and my brother were natural waivers. That's sick. Yeah. So what would happen about bringing it back?

Dude. I mean, if I get a little, if I, when I get a low haircut, as soon as the bar, if I get a little bit divorced, takes it, like takes it low,

I already have waves. Dang. Yeah, it's pretty sick. That's pretty tight. Yeah. I don't even brush, I don't even fucking brush my hair.

Do you have any shortcomings? I mean, literally I wish I was taller. Fair enough. Yeah, sometimes I'll, like, stand on a curb and like,

man, this must be cool. Be that much taller. Yeah. I don't, I don't really worry about it, but it is crazy to be, six, five, and just walk into a room and it's fucking tower over everyone.

It's got to be a weird. Dude, you, you have, like, a gravitational pool when you're that big. Like, you walk into a room and everybody just like, what the fuck just walked into the room? Yeah. You know? It's like, but the only thing I don't like about it is, like, the townspeople will turn on you quick. When you're, when you're a tall guy, like, they'll love you right away, but they'll turn on you quick. Well, there's a, there's a, there's a, they'll secretly want your, they want to see your downfall.

Oh, for sure. Well, there's also a, there's a certain type of, like, shorter dude who, like, fucking like tries to attack tall guys. I've seen this in action. Italian. That holds up. Yeah. That holds up.

Yeah. Where I was thinking of. But yeah, no, that's actually very true. I've seen it before. Just kind of sitting there and they like a little elbow toss at like a tall man. It's like,

dude, what the fuck are you doing? So dude, he's fucking getting too close. You ever, you ever asked someone with their problem was before? I've never done it. Daily.

Yeah? You hit someone like a, what's your problem, buddy? but I've hit people. What's your problem? Yeah. Okay. Let me rephrase it.

Were you the one that like initiated the conflict with it? No, I'm just talking about like relationships I've been in. What the fuck's your problem? That's different. That's different. I'm talking about dude at the bar that is trying to like escalate almost a non-issue. And they're like, what's your fucking problem?

What are you looking at? What are you looking at? Yeah. That's cool. I've never done that. I've had someone. Yeah. I've done it only in like if I'm driving a certain.

certain way and a pedestrian or someone in the car is kind of like give me a look I'm like what the fuck are you looking at and it's like you know I don't do it now I'm chill I've chilled I've chilled I've chilled in the car I just have wicked road rage because I was raised by a single black mom if I notice somebody's staring at me I just start dancing harder do you really yeah I just start showing out I just started I just start flossing just start starting on them right there in that's not a bad since never been unsure of what someone was looking at trying to be the last time I just naturally know what people are looking at Yeah, no, I've definitely done that.

If I'm like driving and someone's doing something, I've hit him with like, what the fuck you're looking at? Wow, that's cool. Yeah. I've never verbally. I've got a lot of you out the car window into a car window. What the fuck are you looking at? Or a pedestrian too. Or a car too if someone's going on with that. You hit somebody who would have drive by what the fuck are you looking at?

It's probably just into my mirror too. Yeah. Or pull up. I had a thing too. What the fuck are you looking? If someone. Probably usually just into the mirror. I've, uh, I've had to do a lot of, uh, like, you goods too.

You good. I get you get dudes I get dudes I get it A lot of times Like if I'll get like younger black dudes Who will like

Just so disrespectfully stare at Brittany While we're both together Like ogle and gawk And all the shit And it's like it's just It's on immediately Yeah I have to be like

What the fuck are you looking at Yeah Or just be like you're good And I go fuck you You're fucking good And it's like Dude I've almost The amount of black 19 year olds

I've almost fought I was at like a street fair Like a year ago And I got up in this kid's face I was like dude I'll fucking break your neck. Yeah. I'm so happy we didn't fight.

You found a disrespectful 19-year-old black dude at a farmer's market. Just doing like, yeah. It was actually a street truck. Street truck festival? Yeah, dude. We were walking around. The dude was being ridiculous. He flipped his raw honey standover.

Yeah. I got kicked out of a casino on an old black man. I walked out. The guy was in a slot machine and he did this. And he looked at like, did like a head turn. Not an upskirt, but like a butt check from like. Like that He was a portly man

So maybe his belly Stopped him from getting the full upskirt Yeah And I like watched it And I was like Fucking asshole And Brittany turn out Like you fucking serious

And I was like I was like dude What are you doing And he started being like You white mother blah Yeah Wait who was Britney mad at You or him

Because he He would do is just being Ridiculous And then he hit me He you know Obviously He threw racial epithets at me And then I

What do you call you? It's like a white He's like white bitch ass Mother blah This guy was old Um Oh he knew not to hit you with the, like, he didn't want to have to get kicked out of casino.

So he started talking shit, and that's when I called him, I called him fat. I'm not going to lie. Yeah. He said you fat, and then I called him a bad word for a gay guy very loud. And, uh, and I, because you reached for the N word in your head and in the last second. Yeah. Been there. He took it real quick.

You were going through like a dusty shelf in your brain and you're like, ah, he took it racial. And I was like, uh, fuck, nice move. And then I was like, well, how mean can I be legally? And I was like, right, here's where we're going. And just, dude, hit him with that. And then he was kind of guffalled. And then it was like, you know. You grabbed an ancient potion bottle in your brain.

And it was one off from the end where. FF, dude. FF's hard, dude. Yeah. By the way, pro tip, instead of saying you good, say, we good, right? No, I'm the problems with them. I say, fucking good, dude. Well, yeah, I mean, it's the same thing.

But it's also like, dude, we're good. We're good, right? We're good, right? Like I don't like I don't we don't have to make this a thing right because like you that way They know that like if this turns to chaos We're going to be doing it together right if you say if you say you good It's like hey you're not gonna do anything to me right You gotta say we good because like yo we're gonna be doing this shit to each other right now

I just mad dog dude I'm mad dog right away Also I do want to get into just becoming way more sexual when that happens just being like I think that's the move to go. Cut your hair was the wrong move. Yeah. True. It's hard to display sexuality at another dude without something to whip. No, I might go like full raging short hair. You should get lip injections. This might be the time to use your, uh, use the dude, your feminine coming. True. Yeah, I mean, it's something I have to stop doing. Like, I can't, I can't continue this path. I'm on. Yeah. I'm too autistic through. I've, I've never been confident that I had a good read on a situation like that.

I always think I'm reading it wrong. Oh, I see it. Unless the dude makes fit. I've been like sucker punched. I've been like, I think this guy has a problem with me. I'm fucking sucking this. The problem for me is like what I don't even care the fact that they're like looking at her.

They're doing it in front of me. So they're basically doing it to me. And I sit there and go, you motherfucker. They've declared. They've made a declaration to you. Yeah. Just like, dude,

what the fuck do you think this is? They're suitors. They write the rhyme. You're asking for this. And all I do is just spaz. And they're like, what the fuck is this? But yeah.

They're declaring their intentions. and you're flipping out. I will say, and I don't know what the reality of this, but I think when, like, if you're like a 19-year-old

black dude and like a fucking white guy with top head spazes, it's just kind of like, what the fuck? What is this? Because we also have,

like, in black culture, we do look at chicks' butts unabashedly. Like, staring ain't declaring. You know what I mean? You're just looking.

Yeah. You know? It's like, it's almost, it's almost more disrespectful if you walk through that casino and black dude didn't look at

Britney's ass There's a window though Because if it's like A glance whatever People do it to let you know they're looking Yeah Like stop turn your body around And it's just like dude

What the fuck Yeah It's dual time Always like to like It's dual time It might be why there's so many duels Dude I always like to

If I'm passing like a hot chick With her guy I like to like make eye contact With the guy like dog Good job And that like That lets him know I'm also gonna look

When you guys When you guys go past I'm gonna turn I stare at the guy and I say, oh, fuck you. You know what might be fun is leaning into a you people. Like a black dude, a black dude makes his visual declaration. You're like, what is it with you people? True.

Just get really. Just go, just get really Jewish on it. Don't even, don't even like, what do you mean you people? You're like, I mean you people. I mean black people. What are you? What's up with you? I should get real.

What are you also stupid? I saw a shirt. Just sound like an old Jew. Like, what is it with you people? I was like, what is this guy doing right now? I just shanked you, sung to him, dude. I saw there was a lady in the grocery store recently. She had a shirt and it said black and smart.

And I was like, doubt it. What? It was black and smart. Wow. It was just kind of like sitting there like, dude, that's a crazy fucking shirt to wear. The only person that would wear that shirt is somebody who believes. that the common perception of black is not smart. Yeah, it's crazy.

Oh, man, this is Sid's main thing. Well, that's just close to Sid's main thing. What is my main thing? He's still on you. This is a big thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, let's just look up Sid's Facebook posts or Facebook comments. I've been off of Facebook for a lot.

These are, like, close to, like, the main thing that you argue with dudes about. This is your definite chief aim. What is? I don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, like, you're constantly in arguments with other black dudes where you're position is, and I can't get this right. I almost do. I can't, I can't even, I can't even tell the two positions apart.

They're so, like, deep in black culture. I think I can't even see it. So what Tim is. Since constantly going on Facebook and like, hey, I was talking to a guy and maybe you guys in the comments can help me. Are black people taught that white people are treating them unfairly? And then like, he'll instantly just get like other black dudes like screaming at him in comments. Retarded black dudes.

The retarded black dudes. So what I find it absolutely irresistible when I see a retarded black dude trying to kick knowledge. Like it's always been my Achilles Hill. Like that's the reason people have always wanted to fuck me up because somebody would like just be trying to like maybe give back to the community by saying something he thinks sounds smart. Yeah. And I'm like, you don't know half those words mean. Like I'm in there immediately. But that's the prime, that's the target audience for a black and smart t-shirt.

Yes. Yeah. Yeah, this lady had it on. I was looking at it being like, that's, that's kind of weird. It's a weird choice. Yeah. I'm black and smart. Doubt it.

Can you believe it? Yeah. What the fuck is that? But you've ever seen that before. Yeah, that was, uh, it was definitely strange. And I was in the way, you know, she's in my way. I had to, like, get, like, the little yogurt packets from Maya. And I was sitting there, like, so I had time to, like, study the shirt and think about it.

And I wanted to be, like, it's fucking weird. It's a weird thing to wear. So when you see people wear, like, money shirts, it's like, that's, you're poor. That's a poor thing to wear. And what, how do you, how do you, how do you,

how do you, how do you, like what do you, I should have IQ tested her on the spot, right? You should have. Let's see what's up.

Although IQ tests are inherently biased, so. True. I would have done IQ, EQ, SQ. I would have done like emotional cue,

spiritual, quotient and then I would test it physically. I would have tested all aspects of her intelligence. Put the cones down. Like, all right. Go.

Six, That would be the best part. Love game shows. Yeah. Black and white as if the shirt. The shirt's in black and agile? You're like, all right. Black and agile will be a sick shirt.

Yeah, that's pretty sick. That sounds cool. Yeah. Yeah. That sounds like a clothing line like Master P would make. Black and agile. Yeah, that shirt threw me for a little of all. Dude, also in a racially related news.

What was the font before you go? Dude, so, fuck, what was the... Yeah. It was in the shirt, too, it was in that 90s. You know, those, you know, like, save, you know, like 90s? Fuck, I guess, like, Spike Lee in the 90s. There would be those shirts with, like, the saved by the bell designs almost, like intricate kind of patterns. Yeah, like purple nacho shapes and stuff.

Yes, it was that. And then said, like, black and smart and kind of like block lettering. So it was like an old school design. It was like kid and play design. It was a picture of Africa wearing glasses. It was a map of everything. Just go like this. A white bowl of them.

Yeah, made me laugh. I went home instantly and told Brittany, I was like, I saw a lady with a black and smart t-shirt. What do you think about that? She was like, what?

I don't know. Yeah, almost nothing. I don't care. Why would you ask me? You're retarded. I don't know. If you saw that one,

you'd be like, that's weird. And she was like, I don't know. I don't really care either. I just stared at this lady for 20 seconds to get yogurt being like, come on. You're done. Get out of my way. Dude, so we went to a,

um, did a little, the hell are you guys going back there. You're looking up other black t-shirts. What are they saying? One says, Danger, educated black man.

Oh, watch out. I like, you better watch out when you see an educated black man coming down. Danger, educated black man. This says black conservative,

free at last. Whoa. I am the elephant. There you go. I'll take it long. Maybe these shorts ain't so bad. Yeah. Damn.

It's crazy how super smart black dudes all have that one hat. Which hat are you talking? It's kind of like flat on the top and like the brim is like curved pretty intensely. With a kangol hat? No. No, you're talking about like a short kind of bike messenger? Like the old diesel hat. Yeah, yeah.

It's like a short bike. It's almost like a like army hat kind of. Yeah, they are often like olive green too. Yeah. all have that shirt. This militant blacks. Yeah. Yeah.

Point to their temples constantly. Yeah. That's where your brain is. So it makes sense. I actually watched a guy dropping knowledge about not eating. Like he's like, you definitely don't need to eat. But he's been doing it.

He eats like once every two weeks. A breatherian? Yes. Yes, dude. He's running purely on prana. He's a breatherian. Yeah. Dude ruled.

That guy fucking ruled. Was he a black guy or was he also a regular Aryan? Ripped ass. Strictly breathed. Strictly breathe. Yeah, he was a ripped ass breathe area explaining how he started it. And he was like, yeah, man,

I was 180 pounds, now 160 pounds. Yeah. Well, there's a lot of... I only lost 20 pounds by not eating. Yeah, there's a lot of shit out there. People talking about seeing him eat over the years. He's a fraud. Yeah.

And they were like, and they were like being silenced. Yeah. He was silencing them? Yeah, he was silencing. He was silencing. He was silenced. You have to be talking about the same guy.

Yeah. Ripped his hell. He's ripped his... An old guy, though. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So he was saying that he was, uh, his like, yeah, growing up, his mom had like multiple refrigerators everywhere. So it was like, we were stocked at all times on food.

He's like, so I grew up like that and he's like, I started getting kind of fat. So then he went raw vegan. And then he was like, I'm going to just stop eating. And he was going. He said he was going like a couple days here and there. And he was doing up to like two weeks and he would eat like one day a week every two weeks. Well, he claims like he doesn't need food, but every night and he gets. and he will eat something for the mouth pleasure of it.

And he was saying to bond with his son. He was saying he's like, I want to bond with my son, so I'll eat with him. How much is he on that one day? He's got his pig. Yeah, I heard. So there was one of his assistants. He's got multiple assistants? Yeah, yeah.

One of his assistants would go to 7-Eleven and stock up on like full bags of food for him to like crush from 7-11. I thought there's a roll up. So he's, this guy's still, I guess he's fastened. I'm a raw slim gin guy. You like you got the raw Slim Jim diet, too Just wait two weeks And fucking

It's got full of shit Snap into it Yeah, he is full shit I mean if if if the rumors are true again This is black conspiracy theory Damn, dude Can't to see him do great dude Everyone's got to tear him down

Can't see him naughty Crabbs in a bucket, though Yeah We're at this weekend Go to like a little A little party You know people Live around us

Cool people They have a little They tell us, Britney has a karaoke machine. Like, can you bring it? Yeah, no problem, obviously. You know, we're down to party. By the way, my mom, my sister brings cotton candy machines to parties. Oh, that's fun.

Really? That sounds like a nightmare to clean up. It's all right, but like when she brings the cotton candy machine, she thinks she owns the place now. She starts doing dumb shit. I mean, she does. At that point, terrible rules. Yeah, but that's why you, like, don't bring your fucking cotton candy machine. Can you have your daughter like to leave the, leave the machine?

Yeah. I mean. Have you tried just one-opping her? True, a little popcorn maker. Chakra fountain. Diffin' dots dispenser. See what people really think is up. Yeah.

Bouncing Castle. I refuse to ever spend money for the enjoyment of my kids. They're going to get, they're going to learn how to get pleasure from the world around them. Do not hand that cotton candy in my children. Dude, get it out of here. Get a deflated bouncy house. It's like a sweat,

a kid's sweat lodge. Yeah. Yeah. So we had, uh, so we go to this party. We bring over the, uh,

bring over the, uh, bring over the karaoke machine, get set up. And, uh, you know, this, this is a girl operation.

They're all singing and doing their thing. Uh, Brittany goes up, does a song. You know, and people are, what's on? I'm going down by Mary J.

Blodge. That's my song. She actually didn't. She did journey. He did a journey. I think, you know, it was a strategic move.

It was, she's letting you know that she appreciates how much, how deep you're going into black culture by doing that. I think so. She also likes, she like genuinely likes your name. The, but also, yeah, it was like, there's like a tight knit group of friends. So they're all doing their songs together. She, I guess she did a song.

She was kind of playing to the home crowd, I guess, a little bit. These were primarily whites. So we go in there and, you know, people are kind of singing along with her. But again, they're like strangers. They don't really know her. So it's kind of like tepid. They're afraid to sing all the N-word songs to Journey, dude. So then her, the other girl grows up and does Cardi B.

And I go. White girl? Yes. I go, ooh, it might be N-word time because I'm like, that's a tough so, you know, they've been drinking and shit. So Brittany goes up and does it with her. Dude, the first fucking, it was a song,

money, slips an N-word out. This girl just lets it, just, I guess she, like, let it, she's fucked up, let it fly. She was charged by Brittany next to her. I think so, dude, I think she was just, I mean, she was just in the moment, dude. She lost herself in the music, dude. She probably puked.

Dude, it's mom spaghetti. This was her, this is her moment. And she fucking slipped. Let one fly. Everyone, the whole place just goes. It's like only 12 people, but everyone just goes like, just look around. Oof. So then it's like, you know, and Britney just like, whatever.

I'm like, did she somehow like not notice that? And I'm like, whatever. You know, and again, it's got to suck. It's got to like fucking screech the brakes on a whole party. And like, what? So it's just kind of like, whatever. We're singing. Everyone's having a good time towards the end slips out another.

And I was just like. In song or conversation? In song. In song. In song. Like, before even. before you contend this condemn this lady

I'm not condemned I was just reveling in how uncomfortable it was It's difficult to self-edit In a song And then keep up the rhythm Of the fun and the song After you did

Like if you leave out a word It's true It's not easy to do No it's very hard And it's also That is the number one thing People say after the N-word Is what I can't have fun

I can't have fun I can't edit myself I was literally thinking About this On the one of part Yeah Right How funny it is

is because like like minorities always fuck with white people like all the time they do it to me all the time we almost fight constantly non-stop right but like you can't like as soon as white people fuck with black people it's like it's like racist immediately it's the worst possible yeah thing and it's just funny to me the idea of like some white guy be like well we can't fuck with him we can't just mess with him a little bit true but it's also like he's kind of got a point i mean you can fuck with black people pretty good you got to razz them well i mean it's kind of tough though. If you just start razzing, if the only black person shows up and you start deeply razzing him, people are like, stop, what are you doing? Stop razzing this guy. Yeah. And what do you razz him on? I've seen the popular one of like you're out somewhere and like it's like summertime.

And the classic one they would be like, put it on sunscreen. That's the classic razz. Yeah. That's like, yeah, come on, man. But yeah, you just can't go the same way. Like you can, for example, you can make fun of all of the racial tropes of a of a white person, like all the, the negative. It's like, oh, you can't dance. Smells like a wet dog.

Yeah, or weird baloney. You know, yeah. It's, uh, you've heard. Oh, I've heard of the. Yeah, right. You can say, you can say all that stuff, right? But you can't be like, hey, black, why do black people smell weird to a black, like, you just can't, you can't do the same

thing. True. Absolutely can. I don't know. I went to a very integrated high school and, but my, that was the 90s, dude. Black and Puerto Rican people that I spent my time with reveled in this shit. Of just go trading back and forth. Yeah.

It was a different time period. Yeah, I guess so. You do that now, it's like, you know, yeah, it was back when just dudes could have fun. Everybody was having fun. In the 90s? Everything was so much more fun. It's insane how much fun we were having. We had.

Fun was had, dude. We'll get back to having fun. And then the worst thing happened. Educated black men. Well, it depends, dude. You know, it depends if they're Glenn Lowry or Tonahasi Coats. Tonosie Coats shit's funny because he was, his whole thing was like, yeah, sorry. it'll always suck to be black in America

just forever and ever and ever and that's just what it is meanwhile dude's a millionaire it's like fuck you dude yeah fuck you dude get out my face bro yeah that's the grift right that's a big time grift dude

find a group of people and tell them it's always gonna suck dick to be there like they're doing it to white as I write this New York Times best seller I've yeah it's just like dude come on man knock it off pump the boys up dude

I'm about the boys right now it really isn't many people pumping up the boys in the black community right now everybody's all the boys Boys need to be pumped up. We're all about, we're all to join forces anyway. Dude, I'm telling you, race is falling to the side. It's just going to be how you view the world.

It's going to be baxers and non-baxers. Yeah, dude. I mean, that among other things, yeah. But it's going to, that's, it's happening already. Every time I see my mom, she talks to me about, she's like, do you ever see that Candace Owens? I'm like, yeah, mom. She likes her or hate her.

Loves her. She's like, she's just, I'll tell you what. She's one of the good ones. She's just great. I just love hearing her talk. She's so smart. She talks something thousandly. He's so smart.

But she is. Did you ever see the Candace show? Yeah. Full studio. It's like, woo. Yeah. I watched it.

I was hoping to see some black people in the audience. It's like Wendy Williams, but they're just talking about pyramids the whole time. I love Candace Owens. I love what she's, you know, like the little clips you see of her like crushing somebody. Owning the lips.

Right. But like that show, her own show is like unbearable. I can't get through it. It's weird, man. It's weird. The studio audience is a weird. I also have a big boner for watching people respectfully disagree on YouTube.

Yeah. Like two people respectfully disagree. Oh, wow. I wish everyone could do this right now. I wonder why more people can't do this right now. I hate the internet, dude. It fucking sucks. I'm telling you, the lady was like, how do you want your haircut today?

I'm like, can you just slice my fucking neck with a blade? How about that? Cut my head off, please. Cut me a fucking zero. Dude, just cut my fucking neck open and just throw me in the control. trash compactor. I was bugging out of the last night. Dude, there's nothing worse than like when someone, when someone wants to show you something

and it's on Reddit and you just, you get like to the longest comment chain and it's just people like piling on to the worst joke you've ever seen. And it's just people like, wow, didn't expect to laugh this hard on the internet today, sir. Maximum wallers to you. Well, now. Yeah, man. People give each other props for the gayest shit you've ever seen. Ooh.

I mean, that's tough. then you get fucking dudes, you get totally negative on everything. That's all. Dude, I'm closer to those dudes if I'm being honest with myself. I think I hate both.

I hate my fucking self. I hate my fucking haircut. I'm gay. I had a thought today that I think what's going on on the internet and, you know, abroad is,

and I think we all do this. We all do it subconsciously. We're all constantly trying to frame reality in little ways where like we're winning all the time. Even if it's like a daydream, I'm like, dude, if that fucking guy fucking said something to me, I would like, fucking like definitely get in his face.

Oh, yeah, here's my victory condition. And then, so we do this in our heads all the time. But I think with comments, you can now get that juice from like, you like watch a thing and you frame yourself as like being like, I'm better than this thing. And then you explain why you're just like, yes, I'm winning. I'm winning. That's why I'll never take a position on the internet again. Yeah, it's tough.

Yeah. Oh, the only position you can take. Aside from saying that primus is for retarded dudes, I will never, ever share an opinion on the internet. I think the only thing you can do is just be pumped on. the boys the voice did you see i was watching this australian rapper dude that's the only thing i can watch which what's his name uh spanianian here's a fucking yawn dude he's so so funny i was hanging with the boys you ever fuck with uh kieran i think his name's kearin j kalananan no that's a while but you remember the remember that meme video of like the cowboys screaming over a mountain like super

it's from a music video where it's like i kind of i kind of remember that that guy's cool as fuck he's all about getting pumped up really Yeah, I mean, yeah, I just want to get pumped. It's a shame that Australia, I think, is being taken over right now. They're, like, shooting people in their houses for not getting medicine. Dude, I've heard that. And some people are trying to say, like, no, that's not even real. I think there's, like, a lot of difference between the different areas.

Dude, I was also, I also heard that in Australia, they have a rule in certain areas that if you have anything over. They're making you fight a kangaroo if you won't get the back. It's true. Dude, they're saying, if you have, say I had like a, you know, like a brand new cell phone on me, when my brand new cell phone comes in the mail and I leave my family. If I had a brand new cell phone on me The cop stopped me They could search me

And be like Where's the receipt for your cell phone If I can't produce a receipt They can presume that I stole it And then lock me up It's so that's There's no way you have that right Yeah everybody's walking around

With fucking dossie of their paperwork In Australia And this law was in effect Before like everyone was using Like smartphones and shit So you like The guy Spanian was talking about it And how he fucking

He got he had an iPod And they were like Where's the receipt And he's like Dude I was in jailplace You get in this third hand From an Australian Wigger?

Three months. Yeah. Dude, he's too. He's, I'm telling you. That guy, me, he's telling the truth.

He may be, he is, I don't know. He'd be, dude, the stakes are too high. There's no way I want to accept this.

The stakes are too high. But what I have heard is it's, it differs in different territories, like territories or states, whatever they have. Yeah, because I'm pretty sure Aborigines don't fuck with paperwork

that heavy. That's probably why they have a lot. Why do you think it was more time to do crack cocaine than powder cocaine, bro? We're doing this all around the world. We got to, figured out.

Did they still call them black fellas? Do they call them black fellas in Australia? Yeah, it's like black dudes in Osha. I think we're called black fellas. That's kind of nice. Or maybe the Aborigines, I don't know. That's kind of nice. This might be a horrific word that I'm saying.

I'm not sure. I thought it might have been tough with Australian slang, New Zealand slang. Yeah, because sometimes I heard someone say it during a Haka or something. Yeah. Yeah. There's, you know, you can be saying. Like black fellas does sound. I don't know why I asked Sid if they're calling Australian.

No, there's not. There's a racial slur in Australia. You just shorten an Aboriginal. And apparently that's a. Abby's? No, you guys are getting warm. You're getting warm. Richies?

No. Abba. Ginoles? No. Close. Knees? Genese? You just literally, it's the first three words.

First three letters. Abbo. Yeah. You said it on me. Whoa. Yeah. I did sound ugly. That does.

I didn't like that at all. Yeah. Spud didn't know. Spud said it the one time, but he thought it was, he was dating a girl who was Aboriginal. And she would say it all the time. He was like, oh, that's, you know, he's a, I can't have fun.

Can't say the A word? He was just tossing around. Like, that was it. Yeah, someone was like, what the fuck, man? He was like, I didn't fucking know. Oh, man. I can't wait to. Black fellas.

I feel like that's friendly, though. Black fellas bad or good? Do they... Apparently it's hand in hand with Aboriginal. They call Aboriginal's Blackfellas or they slur. So is black fellas like the step between the proper and like the... Is it a healthy compromise? Hard slur.

Yeah. I'll keep looking. Yeah, there's a lot of, well, you could do some black fella. Two. What fella? Black fella? Black fella. There's a lot of different spellings. Sounds so pleasant, though.

Get canceled if you say blackfeller. It sounds like really nice. Yeah, Blackfellow? My buddy's a black fella. If that's a slur, it's the most pleasant one. Yeah. That's Australia, man. Australia's crazy.

Australia gangster rap's crazy to get into. I can't imagine. Australia is not real. That's a fucking fair point. Australia is a TV show, essentially. Yeah, you're telling me it's a primarily

white country near like Antarctica. Yeah. That's all trash. It's like, yeah, I'm with you on that, dude, I don't think it exists.

Oh, oh, the flight's 24 hours. It's like, dude, you're just flying all way around the world and landing in Canada.

Knock it off. Knock it off. I know what you're doing. I know what the fuck you're doing. That's a fair point. It's just Canada. Oh, shit. Here comes tourists.

guys, come on, let's drum it up. Soft A? Just found out that the aboriginals call themselves Blackfellas. Oh, if you can't get in they call themselves Blackfellas? Yeah, with the soft A.

That's kind of chill. It's gonna fuck me at karaoke. I'm hitting up my Spanian jams. Yeah, man. But yeah, that was an interesting thing to behold. Just watching that, know it was fun.

I was just watching the whole, you know, everyone just kind of just moved past it. And then it's funny, that wasn't even the biggest thing. Then the dog of the house, the people's dog, just randomly bit some lady's finger. That was, that was pretty interesting to see, too. Wait, where was this, the party? It's a little party. It was like the small rooftop. Soire almost.

Yeah, a little soiree, dude. And dude, there was a dog bite? A dog, I've like seen this dog all the time. You know, he's just crazy, you know, it's like a pit mix kind of dog. Sweetheart. Pit mix. That's not a little. dog bite?

No, that's what I'm saying. But it was, it was just like a nibble from him. He didn't lock, but it was like, dude, out of nowhere, he just went, and this lady was like, ah, ah, and dude, like, she was, she got, she was fucked up. Did it leave a mark? I mean, like, yeah, bro. Yeah. If a shark, if you play Cardi B around the dog, it would have been tracked, that's all I'm saying.

If a, if a people hears Cardi B, it's biting a human. True. But he would join him every single time. Just kicks in. It's like, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Point. The people might have been irritated by like the fast warlike tempo of the rap music. Yeah, I don't like pit bulls. I love pit bulls. I hate pit bulls.

What? Yeah. Yeah, I mean, they got a bad reputation, but they are cuddly dogs. They're sweethearts, dude. Yeah. This, I mean, this one is, you know, fucking. They're statistically, they're, like, disproportionately responsible for too many bites. Well, it's not, it's not them, Mr. Culture.

Check out. Check out the disproportionate. The portion of dog bites? They're like 13% of dogs, but they account for like 90% of bites. Look up like the American Kennel-Losciations. I'm just goofing around, man. This is, this is... I mean, you're just channeling the spirit of Larry Elder right now.

He's just that. Also, I was thinking about that stat today, and I think it's erroneous the way that it's said, because when you're... The pit bull one or the human one that I'm joking about? Yeah, the human one that you're joking about, because the way that we talk about these That goes against the way, it goes against logic, right? So if you say, like when you compare the stats, like black people get shot this much, white people get shot this much, see this is racist because black people get shot proportionally more. But you can't really make that comparison because people aren't being shot because of the color of their skin. It's like so are white people being shot because they're white?

No. So then the comparison doesn't matter. Yeah, of course. Do you understand what I'm saying? So it's like to say 13% of the population is responsible for 50% of the murder. which is the statistic, I believe. Dude, it's way more insane than that because it's only the percentage of people

that are killing people. So it's like a way smaller percent. Do you know what I mean? Have you been watching the elder interviews? Not yet. He talks to the press? No. There's like an hour of him just fielding questions.

Wait, I actually didn't, I couldn't gather your position from that. Well, basically I was saying it's not 13%. It's actually like 3% of people are responsible for. 50%. The sample size is too small. No, the sample size is too big because it takes into account that like... You can't use the whole population. At a 13% there's only 3% of that population.

Because, yeah. So it would only make sense to use the whole population if the people that are committing the murders are doing it because they're black. I think that is what a lot of people are saying is true. Yeah, I think the, I think the, it's basically, it's mostly young men. So then when you take, it's not really 13%, it's like 3%. That's, that's how I'm. Yeah. That's how I understand.

But also, too, it's like they're not, I mean, again, there is, it's, it's because they're young men. You know, it's like more because they're young men than it's because they're black. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's because they're like, they're angry. They're fucking nobody, they didn't, like, had the proper guidance for their anger through their teenage years. I'd say it's a poor decision. Definitely.

I'm going to murder that fella. Yeah. Murder that black fella. Murder that black fella. Yeah. Yes. It's a horrible idea, dude. It's just so, it's just a bad thing.

It's just, we throw, I just. Just we throw those statistics around very disingenuously because we don't use them properly. I mean, it's crazy. It does like geek me out to think that, especially like in America, there's a ton of people being like tomorrow I wake up and murder that guy. And it's like, what the fuck? And then being like, oh, and that guy's like, you know, within certain circles is like cool. I'm not even just cool, like cool.

Like how many days in a row can you want to kill a guy and then do it? I get a 30 second window. I'm like, fuck. But even that, I've chilled on that, but not fucking around. I'm not homicidal. I don't think I can make it a whole day wanting to kill a guy. Wanting to kill a guy? A whole day, wake up the next day and still have it in me.

I don't think I can make it a whole day. I mean, it's not even so much like I don't want to kill him. It's just you're getting so much trouble. You'd have to not come between the initial idea to kill the guy and actually killing him. As soon as you call me, it's over, dude. I'm not fucking killing that guy. Even if you still want to kill him, you're just like, that's a level of effort that I just don't have in me anymore. Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, that's a I don't know That's definitely It's just crazy dude I mean dude I think like A bunch of people got shot this weekend It's pretty wild

It's wild to think about Dude on the way here Somebody was shot Really? On Susquehanna I parked in front of a roadside memorial Yeah Yeah it's fucking bizarre dude

It's definitely weird You know The problem is you get people Who get kind of like They revel in it They're like Out of nowhere It's big Chicago

It's fucking horrible What the fuck are you talking We were talking about that Yeah Like, what the fuck's going on over there? I don't know. A lot of gunmen. Gunmen shooting each other.

This is an energy that I'm not having fun now. True. We're talking about murder. Yeah. We're talking about murder where we live. Yeah, it's pretty bad. It's not funny. It's not the funnest topic, dude.

We're not going to make any progress here. True. True. Let's go back to joking about Dawkins. What's that? Yeah, I was killing time for fucking Gardini. Gardini, why did you make us talk about murder by race? Breaking it down.

I didn't want to interrupt with this. You can always interrupt that. The doxen is the most aggressive dog breed. Fucking knew it. 20% of dog bites on strangers are committed by doxins. Pit bulls are seventh on the list with 6.8% of dog bites on strangers. What's 2 through 6? Chihuahuas below dogs.

Chihuahuas are vicious. Yeah, okay. Australian Cattle Dog border. That doesn't exist. They're like, they're getting bigger. Jack Russell and then Pitbull. What's it was before Pibble? Jack.

Russell, Terrier, Beagle's the first one the list that can actually damage a human. Well, that's the thing. The Russell was getting bit by gerbil. A weird dog, dude? Yeah. Things will tear you up, dude. That long body, dude.

It's like, yeah, because a dog has to lock on and then start backing it up. Docs has got too much ass. It's been like getting bit by a shark, dude. They can take your honor, dude. Yeah, forget the first six positions on that list.

Well, that's the thing about is Pit bulls are more likely to bite other dogs. They're in the top three for that. That's fine. Yeah. It's dog stuff. They dog on dog crime. Pit bulls commit 22%.

What percentage of dogs are pittles? And are they biting them because they're pittles? Pipples don't like like shepherds and dogs with long snouts I've noticed. There's dogs from like, let's say, the Spitz family versus like a pit bull. they see each other and they fucking hate each other. The Staffordshire bit a husky at the dog show. Huh. I don't know what it's that.

I don't know dog reads. It's a pit bull. It's like it's Jackson. I actually half the time I'm looking at a pit bull I have no idea. I don't know shit about comics. Fair enough. I'm just way. Yeah.

I'm, right now I'm like backjacking because I know the comments are going to be like, oh, actually Butterley's way off base on pit bulls. I'm a fucking. Nah, this is all I care about. You'll get the mix of this.

Like they suck. They're good. The, um, I want to talk about these Mississippi water dachons. they'll pull you in if you're flown on in Mississippi

there's dachshunds that lurk like in the crocodile they lurk like crocodiles oh the front quarter doxas they lurk they come out and fucking I was looking

a hippo attacks they get like kids they'll pull your kid right in by some trousers they're like the tiny dinosaurs from Jurassic Park three I was like a hippo attacks those are cool

oh they bite you in half they chomp everybody do that best. Yeah, hippos rule. Fuck, I wish I. fucking TV.

They toss around like hyenas and and lions and shit. Really? Yeah. Yeah, they flip boats and fuck up

everybody on the I've seen a bunch of videos of them like saving antelopes and shit from like crocodiles. They'll get in and just start tossing crocodiles around.

Hipos are a lot of fun. Yeah. If you want to get super duper high and just enjoy yourself, check out some hippo attacks. They munch like a frog is it just like one bite and they just chill

with the other half of you hanging out of their mouth. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So they open their mouth, like, it's like a floor to ceiling window. It's so big.

What? Yeah. Like, they fight rhinos, and rhinos don't want to do because the rhinos squares up and the rhinos head is inside the hippos mouth. And horns up. No, they don't. They're just like, this is not a great situation. They're both like, fuck. Yeah, rhino backs up.

And the hippos like, all right, then. Yeah. Be on your way. And growing up, I always thought rhinos are like battle hippos. They look like hippos wearing armor. True. That's probably not. They might not even be anywhere near each other.

But yeah, dude, look up some fucking hippos tossing lines around. That's fun. That's all I know about them. I think I was talking to a guy. There's definitely things you hear from like a labor on a job. Like, a hippo bite you in half. And I just repeat, every time I hear about hippo bites, I'm like, yeah, I think I'm a fucking half.

I was talking to a friend of last week. They are like the most deadly animal in the world. But they're like 10th on the list behind like a bunch of insects. Like the mosquito kills more humans than any others. But like, out of all the animals that people are afraid of, you should be more afraid of hippos. Yeah, out of like an actual bite. bite for bite. Yeah, dude.

They're the number one. Man, they're awesome. Because you've got to think they're fun. I was raised to believe the hippos are like all funny games. They're always smiling in cartoons. Yeah, there's never been an angry hippopotas. Or doing ballet.

Yeah. They're nimble. They're light on their feet. I love hippos. It's graceful. Always flicking their ears around like very flirtatiously. Yeah. In love with another hippo.

Yeah, man. Yeah, I was saddening when I found out that they were just like. Motherfuckers. They were worldwide motherfuckers. True. You don't really see a lot of interspecies coupling with the cartoon hippos. There's a bird that hangs in their mouth and picks their teeth. That's a symbiotic relationship.

That's a homie. Oh, I thought that's what you were saying. Yeah. Like anytime hippos are coupled up in the cartoon, it's always with another hippo. What are some prominent interspecies couples that you're thinking of? So who was thinking of one immediately was like, Goofy wasn't with another dog, was he? Goofy was with a goofet, right? Was there a goofet?

Yeah. I thought he just rolled solo. No, yeah, because Daffy had the... Well, he's got a son. So, well, we'll start. Roger Rabbit, that's probably the most famous one. You're gonna get me hard. The babe, who's the babe rabbit?

Jessica Rabbit? Jessica Rabbit. Yeah. He was with a cow. Told you, see? What? Yeah. Yeah.

Wow, good one. What's Goofy? Goofy's a doxon. Yeah, he's a Mississippi Doxon. He might be a cowlip. Mississippi Water Dogs, dude. Dang.

Okay, so that's two. All right, well, you've already proved your point. Good job. I didn't know we're talking

cartoon animals, though. Say what? I thought, I thought we're talking about just animals in real life, like teaming up

and having fun. I was like, to answer your question, I saw a bull chilling with goats this past weekend. A bowl with goats? Yeah,

a bull was hanging out with goats. We're talking about fucking. Oh, yeah. No animals. Yeah. They cross,

They don't cross species. They don't cross species. Donkey and I think like a mule and a horse fuck. And they create like a donkey or something. A mule is when a donkey fucks a horse. Yeah. Correct. Yeah, Courtney, you pull this up.

No, no one knows. Noah, like, majored in horses for like a semester. Animal husbandry. EQUine science. So. You're trying to fuck some chick. But that mule can't replicate, right? You always have to have don't.

No, they're sterile. Yeah. Mules are sterile. Most hybrid species are. are sterile. Okay. So, really? Yeah.

It's fucking weird. Because they wouldn't reproduce in the wild. That's true. Wait, wait, you just said that as if that made total sense. It didn't make, what do you mean? What do you mean they won't? Like, where are you, what are you talking about? Because they don't, they only breed because humans make them breed.

Usually they don't like live in the same like, like areas. Could they? Neighborhood. Yeah. If you got a girl, mule and a boy mule, could they make another mule? No, mules are sterile. What? Yeah.

They can't spawn. What the fucking heck? Yeah. They can't have, you have to always, they just get like. You just need to keep like reproducing like donkeys and horses. What? And then you see you have this thing. They make a thing called a mule that's just like a temporary being.

Wait, a mule is not a donkey. No. A donkey and a horse. I feel so stupid right now that I'm getting lightheaded. They're usually like all. stick as well. Mules? No, Ligers.

I'm not saying mules are stubborn to tell. You're telling me Liger. You're telling me tigers and lions don't have any cross territory? Tigers are in Asia. Lions are in Africa. Oh. Well, they could, you know. Yeah, but they're...

They can run fast. Yeah, there had to be some sort of land bridge cross-pollination between tiger. They're the same skeleton. They have the exact same skeleton. Well, you're going back in the fucking fossil record now. We're talking. What have they done lately? Well, it's like, not really.

Well, tigers are you, tigers are like completely. like solitary animals. They wouldn't even be mingling with a with a pride of lines. Look, I'm going to do you guys one even better. Look, look, you're both wrong,

all right. Let's take, let's stay to mules. No, the, um, I had a, of a tragic animal story.

My, uh, my babysitters roommate, they, so they both adopted cats and, uh, her roommate adopted a cat from like, when I was some shelter.

And, you know, they spay the cats before they give them to you. And apparently they fucked up the age of the cat. So, This was actually, they thought it was like a younger cat. It was a senior cat. It was an old cat.

And apparently when you spay an old cat, like they die. Like fuck some off. So they were like, here's your cat. And it just instantly got sick as fuck. And they were like, what the fuck? They brought to a bed. This cat's like 10 years old. That's my, my God.

Imagine being like at the end of your life. And someone cuts off your jacket. The cat probably killed himself. God damn camera shut out. We, dude, we heat up this room too hard. Let's go to the page. What you guys got? Dude, I was listening.

I was watching a video about your talk. The cat cat in spade reminded me. I was watching these videos about a unix in like China in the first thousand years of China, Chinese empires. You need a lot of unit. Well, dude, let's slide in the page. Okay, cool. Dude. You guys have anything?

Oh, I think you're listening. have like a higher standard for history talk than I'm capable of, but I was very fascinated by this. Slide it to the page sheet. Yeah. Guys want to like say anything to people and be like, hey guys, look at this fucking thing. Yeah, check out two Jack Bros. We just started having guests, Matt. Matt V.

Shamman Matt McCusker were their first guest. No longer, dude. Now I'm the square. Matt the square McCusker, dude. Matt the fucking cop. Any of you guys bringing weed after show, I will call the fucking police. Weed gummies, they're still illegal. Constable.

Matt McCusker. Nice. Two Jack Bros. Just listen to Dad Mead. I love you guys. Hell yeah. Also, September 22nd, come to Helium. Oh, hell yeah.

Please. My whole family's going to be there. They're going to fucking make fun of me. Please come. That's it. Thank you, guys. Let's go to the page.