Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 367 - Anti-Football (feat. Chris O'Connor)

Episode Date: October 14, 2021

lets GO. The D.A.W.G.Z. have gathered with dear friend Christopher O'Connor in a very comfortable setting to deliver a piping hot cast. Shane has suffered a very severe injury, and this is a pro-football podcast. Enjoy. Support the D.A.W.G.Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod

Hello, welcome to Matt and Shane's secret podcast. Today, our special guest is longtime friend. You know him, you love him. Chris O'Connor, everybody. Hey, how's it going? Chris, you got anything to plug before we get started? Yeah, I'm going to be in Boston this weekend with the Wilbur. Matt.

Where? The Wilbur. Wilbur Theater. Yeah, with Santino. Let me know if this is too chill for you guys. I don't want to let you guys keep it easy. Let's take it easy. Take it easy.

Now, here's some news in the taking it easy realm. I have a sliced penis right now. What? How do you slice your penis? I have a extremely sliced penis. What? What happened? Damaged.

How do you shave? Were you shaving yourself? No, it was a fingernail. Not mine. I was having sexual intercourse. And we tried to do cool moves, like we saw on the porn. We tried to do cool moves. Just like a hand job?

No, she was also touching down there while I was having sex. My penis fell out. And I still thrust it. And it thrusts into a fingernail. Got the old cheese grater. Cheese grated penis. Oh my god. What kind of slice you talking about?

Bro? Like fish kills? A massive slice. What? It was blood everywhere. What? No. If you slice a boner, let me tell you something.

I've never sliced a boner. It's the first time I've sliced a boner. Bro? It was a catastrophe. All over the hotel room? All over. But you know what? You ever damage your penis when you're whacking off?

Yes, we all have. No, you've never done it. Friction. Like a severe burn where it's like that was too hard. So I've damaged that. And then it doesn't hurt until you're done. And then when you're done, you're like, ow. So this slice didn't hurt.

And she was, I kept trying to go. And she was like, no, I definitely scratched it because I didn't see it. And then she was like, no, I definitely scratched it when I looked and I had it in my hand. It's just so much blood, dude. Is that a fun start? Or was it the head?

It's underneath the shaft. Oh, man. So the bottom of my penis is sliced. That's a good way to start. Like was the underbelly? Is the skin coming apart? Like literally like? It's a little bit slicey.

Flayed? Flayed. It's a flayed penis. You're a flayed unit. You're like the dudes. You got what you're going to call it? It's not a circumcision. It's called a, when they cut those average Australians.

It's subincision. You got subincised. Yes. It's a rite of passage. It is a rite of passage. I do feel stronger. You open up. Yeah.

I don't know if you can tell how much more chill and relaxed. You reunited. Dude, you reunited to your like archetypal double gender. Oh, yeah. The penis. I have a pussy. You got a subincision. Yes.

I never understood. And then you try to have male period sex. Like, come on. It's a big deal. Exactly. It is exactly what it was. Did you just like, no, no. No, once I, once I saw the blood, it quickly changed to a panic.

Yeah, yeah. And she obviously, she was devastated. I had to remind her it was obviously my fault. How was it your fault? Well, it wasn't hers. It was an accident. We were trying to do cool stuff. Of course.

And when you do cool stuff, sometimes bad things happen. Yeah, yeah, you're learning. What's your timetable for recovery, you think? Who knows? But probably like three months. I'm on day three, no, no whacking or ejaculating. So I'm fucking pissed. You put some neosporin on it?

No. That'll speed up recovery big time. Because I've, I've. It's a waiting game now. True. I've cut balls before. You've cut your balls? Knicked.

Knicked. 00:03:35,520 --> 00:03:36,280 While shaving. Yes. That's an internal bleed. It is. Yeah. That goes on forever.

You have no idea. The penis, I couldn't imagine. A long slice on your penis. How long? How long of a slice? The length of my penis, so. The whole. Yeah.

Baby scratch my fucking penis. Yeah. Damn, not on the head though. Just right underneath the head. A little bit on the head. You think you'll have a scar? It might, it might look like. Gland, she got you on the gland.

She got me on the tip and then underneath. Jesus, dude. Yeah. Did you like it? I did not like it. Did you like it? I did not like it. Getting sliced?

No, but my penis now is going to look. You ever see like an old great white shark? That's what my penis is. Does it know it's a tall, tall, tall, tall, tall, tall, tall, shark, like a line down the side of it? Yes. I will have a scar on penis. Damn.

And that's fine. There's nothing wrong with that. How was it before you got cut? Oh, it was phenomenal. We were doing cool stuff. So a little like hand hold? What do you mean? No.

What kind of hand? What was the hand doing? Well, I don't want to get too graphic. Sure, sure. I mean, I have been discussing sliced penises. It's just a grip outside. I was. They don't want to get personal.

No. I was behind. Yeah. She was reaching down, touching herself. That's how I sliced the bottom. Got you. I thought I had the whole time. I thought you were working some sort of like advanced thing

where it was like she was gripping your root and fucking. I like that idea. Yeah, I was intrigued. Yeah, that's what I thought you were doing. No. That's serious. Cool. That's doggy style sex.

That's cool stuff. It was doggy style. Is it doggy? So I was a dog and my girlfriend in this hotel room. And I had a slice of my day penis. This is just good. Easy listening. Do you think the neighbors heard?

The neighbors probably. Are you screaming? Did you scream? They heard me yelp. No, I didn't. I didn't make a noise. You kept it quiet. I told you, I'm a silent assassin in the bedroom.

So you got sliced and you were just like, mmm. I'm what you're trying to give. I try to get back in. You ever see when you pop a dog off another dog and it's still fucking up in the air? You were still air up in the air. I was. You're like, let me fucking air.

Oh, man. I can't believe I've admitted to having a slice of penis on this podcast. You were curled up just like I pulled Jackson off and tell it every now and again, he just still goes. Yeah. I would think it would heal quick. I hope so.

Not the pain, bro. Why not? I would think the body would be fine tuned. Dude, it's like a baby's hand. It's never, you're not working with your penis. Right. It's fresh baby skin. Yeah, dude.

It fucking heals super fast. I think it might heal super fast. Yeah. I've had damaged penis before and it does heal quickly. Never a slice. But you can't have a penis down for too long. That's an evolutionarily. It's an evolutionary, very emergency and true.

Especially when the rest of my body is dying as quickly as it is. We got to get something out. All hands on deck. That's a fair point. I was thinking more like it's just this like appendage that like stays out of the sunlight, doesn't get much friction.

That's my whole body. I do scar like really. You bruise. You do bruise and scar like crazy. You should get into scarification. Maybe. Instead of tattoo, you just like scar up. I should start cutting.

Scarification me. Nasty, dude. Or get branded. What type of brand do you think I should get? Black fraternity. The Omega or whatever. Noobs get be a noob. Gardening, what were you going to say about damaged penis?

You seemed like you had something to say. I just want I've been keeping it from you guys for a while, but I actually have a laceration on my penis as well. What? And it's been there for about three weeks. So you got that lacerate your penis. Self-inflicted. What?

What happened? Wait, I think it was just irritation from masturbating. Just repeat injury? Yeah, dude. It's disgusting. Like you got a callus on it. It's like a scab. Like when you play guitar.

Yeah, exactly. You got the old rug burn burn. You might have herpes from that from going down to the shore. No, I don't think I have herpes. Are you sure? No, but I don't think I have herpes. You've googled herpes. You might have caught North Jersey chicken pox

on your penis. I don't sleep at all. I don't sleep at that. Is it an open sore? No, it's like a little scab. It's a scab that you keep reopening because you can't keep your hands off yourself. You can't keep your grubby little hands off yourself.

Should you go to the doctor? Tell him exactly what happened. Look, I've been feverishly masturbating, doc. One time I did go to the doctor with penis pain, and he told me I had chlamydia, and I didn't. Didn't I tell you that story? No. Yeah, he told me I had chlamydia,

so I told some girl. You're a dirty dog. Are you a wrestling coach? Was this who told you this? No, it was the urgent care doctor. So it was like a cool doctor and the hot nurses. In the urgent care, there's always hot nurses. And the cool doctor always wants to show you up

in front of the hot nurses. He's like, yeah, small penis probably has chlamydia. I don't know how you even got that, bro. I don't know how you managed to even catch that, bro. So I had irritation in my urethra, and so I went there, and I was like, I have irritation in my urethra. I think I have a UTI, and he was like, you're not a lady, dude, you can't get UTI.

Damn, this guy was crushing you. Yeah, definitely get UTIs. He's like, hold on, I'll be right back, and just ate a farmer rep's pussy real quick. Now I'm only talking about it. So then fucking, he was like, I'm going to test you, so piss, and then, but it takes a week to get to test that. I'm going to test you, so piss what?

He had to test me. He had to test me, so he's like, give me a sample to test. It took a week? It'll take a week, but I'm going to treat you for it anyway. So I had to take the antibiotics for chlamydia, and he gave me a shot for syphilis as well. Jesus. And then it took more than a week to get the results back.

I was waiting like two weeks, and my penis still hurt. So I texted the girl I was sleeping with. I was like, you gave me chlamydia. And she was like, fuck you, dude, I don't have chlamydia. And then it was a big fight, and she didn't talk to me after that. And the doctor called me back the next day and was like, you don't have chlamydia or syphilis, by the way.

Was it burning? Would it like sting and burn when you peed? Yeah, he said, and then he said it was probably just from too much use again. From masturbating too much. Yeah, I think so. Oh my god, you had to have a doctor tell you to slow down. Yeah, well, I just like it hurt when I peed.

So I was like, what the hell? I had that for how hard are you whacking on? Yeah, good question. How many times a day and how? What kind of lubricant are you using? I'm doing one tops. No way. Two on a good day.

No way. What kind of lubricant? I'm doing dries. That's why you're going just hand to penis. A little bit of spit. And you're surked. Yes. This is chaos.

I feel like you're underselling the amount of times for a day. I don't know. If I were to just hand. I'll do two if I'm pigging. I can't, man. I'd do two if I'm pigging out. But one is tough for me. True.

No, it's not the best. I don't know what to tell you, Matt. It's hard for me. It's not the best. It's just hard for me, too. But I'm just lazy. It's too pleasurable. The lotion takes up a notch.

Guys, I have a fucking actually sliced penis. Serves you. You don't have to have my penis, dude. I have a laceration on, though. This is a fresh wound. And so far, it hasn't hurt too bad, except when I was wearing dungarees on stage. Then my penis hurt.

But thankfully, it is the underside. So it's rested. The wound is hidden nicely by my sack. Got the dragon's long balls. My giant long sack and balls. Big balls. Finally, my big balls are coming to help. Yeah, dude.

I hit in the dragon's belly, dude, right this week's fight. I could talk about this for three hours. I know. It's so funny. How does sliced penis in the middle of doing cool sex? This is what we get for trying to do cool sex. I mean, yeah. I'm usually a regular sex guy.

And then we were just, it was great. We were caught in the moment. I was like, do something cool. Do something crazy. I said, yo, do something crazy. We ended up slicing my own penis. Did you try anything else before that? Moves?

Cool moves? Don't worry about that, Chris. Come on. Don't worry about me and my girlfriend's sex life. I want to know what led up to you. You did cool moves recently, didn't you? No. No, dude, I've been.

You snuck out like a thief in the night, dude. Hey, I had things to do. Three in the morning, you felt like it's time to do cool moves. I had to go to the dentist. Chris's car turned into a pumpkin on the gym. I had to go to the gym and the dentist. Chris turned into a pumpkin. Stage coach turned right into a pumpkin.

You had to get back to the ball, dude. The princess was at the ball. You had to get back. What time did you run off? I snuck out of here. Because I came back and all your shit, like it was as if somebody had just left the living room. So I assume it was just a teleport.

It was not seemed like a game time. I was up to no good. I was behaving like a dark hole wormholes from your penis. Just fucking led me straight to another city three in the morning. You should have seen that drive. Yeah, it has to be a depressing drive. As soon as you hit the highway, like, what the fuck am I doing?

I was also was that one song? And you read it on the wheel. You must have been hammered to make this trip. Oh, really? It was bad. Chris drank and drive. It was red hot lovin', dude. But I'm pretty good. I'm pretty good at that.

Red hot lovin'. But that's a terrible sign. Man, so you decided to drink and drive to try to get some booze. Hey, try to get some milk and booze. That's actually fair. If they were like, what are you doing? Yeah, yeah.

It's an emergency. It was. What is it? But yeah. That's all you have to say. I've always heard cops' respect. Yeah, you tell cops' respect. That was what my activities were.

OK. What are you doing? I didn't do, like, anything interesting to me. You didn't do anything cool. Showed up drunk, showed up drunk, with, like, a semi-functional penis. Oh, my God. Yeah.

I'm here. Yeah. It's tight. That's a power move. Oh, that definitely would happen. There's no way your dick worked. Oh, no. That's why you, I was like, did you guys fuck? And he was like, no.

It wasn't for lack of trying. Yeah. Damn. Damn. I was road tripped. I couldn't get sex drive. And then you couldn't get a hard face point. Yeah.

Fuck. I wonder how many times it happens to rappers who are like, it's five in the morning. Just fucking soft, squashy bird. I keep, dude, the different soundtracks you could have for that. I think meatloaf, anything for love, that would be sick. I would do anything.

No, dude, I have no radio in the car. So my radio does not work. It's just a dead silent car. You listen to your violin? Yeah. Now, normally I do, but this was a complicated situation. Probably real sexual breathing, is that's probably what was playing.

No, no, no, no. It was, it was two hours of like, this was a huge mistake. How long was it? But I'm out here. I'm in the middle of the ocean. I got to get back to. Two hours. He drove from here to Philly.

Philly to Elphia. Ooh, nice. Get in there, kid. So yeah, there were other cool moves. Yeah. Well, not that cool. Yeah. My whole situation, I got, I got full bush right now.

I got a big bush. I haven't shaved in months. Really? Guys, yeah. We're talking about sliced penises and giant bushes. Can we get it back to our regular scheduled acts? It's bullshit. I wanted to know how if you guys are bushing out or not.

I am bushed out right now. Didn't help with the blood. Yeah, it turned into a real fucking mess. It's like a head wound. Yeah, it was a mess. So dare. This is disgusting crud, dude. People are trying to listen to this.

Gardening, he's got to damage your ether. Oh, man. My penis stung for a while, New Year's Day. When I was a youngster, I thought I had something. But I think mine was extreme dehydration. And I was just peeing out. Yeah, that's what mine was, too. I was just peeing out.

I was just peeing out Smirnoff's, I think. Oh, really? I was just fucking getting hammered like five nights a week. Yeah, I woke up and it was just like, I was going to the doctor and he was like, bro, I think you just dehydrated at home. I was like, yeah, it was another urgent care. He's like, dang, homes.

I think it's dehydrated or something. He's just like, are you gay? I was like, nah, he's like, nice. You're either gay or you have chlamydia. What? Mine was pretty cool, but he definitely reassured me I was crying. I wasn't really upset.

No. I've never had any really big dick injuries, to be honest. I've had small dick injuries. This is my first. Yes. Yeah, this is my first penis injury. Do you ever do a penis crash? No, what's that?

It pops out and you go, just like jamming it in there, lady. See, that's what happened, except this time there's a fingernail there. Yeah, normally, and then the girl, that's funny. We both talked over each other three times in a row. Yeah, that's like the opposite of a harmony. So what were you saying? I'm sorry.

No, you go ahead. I was saying you encountered a mythical vagina dentante, dude, tooth vagina. True. She could have it, and she lied about her hand. She is a demon. You got a rogue tooth in there? The vagina dentante, dude.

Folklered by the Native Americans. God, Nina, you like that one. Yeah, she's going to be delighted to hear this. What? Not this whole ordeal. Yeah, well, yeah, that can go one or two ways. Sometimes you get like, oh, you know, you're joking around. But you were just joking around about you getting sliced.

Yeah, my penis was cut. Yeah. Anyway. Hit you with that. Hellraiser, dude. Did you have to call for a new sheet? No, I wasn't like that. Towels?

I was just like holding a fish. Yeah, I gripped it. Turn it, get it. She's glad to turn it. Yeah, I really did. I applied it tight. Yeah, I was worried. I was like, no, it's not bad.

And then I ran into the hotel bathroom, and I let go for a second. I was like, it's actually pretty bad. It's very bad. So, yes. That's good. Well, I just know my secret. I have a damaged penis.

Can you fly with a damaged penis? I'm going to go through that extra. They're going to see it. Jesus. Sir, step aside. Step aside. Something's wrong. You're hiding something in your penis, dude.

Probably thought a cartel opened. If they do just randomly select me, and they're like, we have to touch you there, I'm going to be like, my penis is actually cut. You're not going to be able to go in the ocean in San Diego. I wasn't. I didn't plan on it. No, that'll heal down the road.

Don't take me and, oh, you're going to go swimming. You might. Dude, that'll heal you up instantly. You need salt water on that thing. You think salt water is good for my wounded penis? That's like I'm dead serious. That would heal it. You could salt it.

If you have some Himalayan, dude, you could, you know. I'm not salting the wound. All my penis. You should work at an urgent care. Oh, I would be nasty. You'd be a great urgent care doctor. Nurse practitioner. I'd be a good nurse, honestly.

I'd be chill as hell. I don't know, though. I don't know if I could do that. Would you get a cool sports team bandana? Yeah. Probably your birds. I'm more of an anesthesiologist guy. Yeah.

My birds, man, are looking good. Birds are two and three. They've got to win. Dude, I'm telling you, I judge how they're doing. Every Sunday, I watch people in jerseys walking around. I can tell whether the birds won or lost. I'm like, all right, all right, that's how I tell. This week, we won this week, right?

Yeah. I can tell people were jubilant in their gear. And I was like, nice, we got a win. Gardini, were you excited for the birds? As he said, I don't really follow football that much. Oh, OK. I'm just checking it out. But I was like, oh, maybe you're really OK.

I was actually, one of my things I had worked up, I thought you were going to be sitting next to me. I was going to smack you and ask you how about the game. Like, yo, you see that fucking game? Are you going to smack me? Just kind of like, yo, you see the fucking game? Not in a bad way. Just fucking, yeah.

I've been working on myself in that regard. I'm becoming a football guy. You're trying to become an actual John Grude. A man's man. You're wearing the black and gray out of solidarity for the Raiders. For Grude, dude. You're wearing a Raiders uniform right now.

Dude, they got the Grude dude in the emails. They got our man. Did they specify what it was? Yeah. He had some wild talkers. Were they wicked? The one I saw Gardini pulled up on the way up here was he laughed at a misogynistic meme.

It's like, that's everybody. I'll be honest, it actually read when we got in trouble. And people were quoting us. Yes. Like it reads like that, where it's like, it's kind of funny. What did he hit? He called Roger Goodell a clueless anti-football pussy faggot.

Oh, he faggot it. He dropped a couple of those. He criticized them for forcing them to draft queers, because they drafted us all that once. Sam. Yeah, what is his name? And it just, it did. Who was the email?

Bad luck that he had a gay player, the first openly gay player on his team. I think he was emailing the GM or the president of the Redskins. The Redskins, dude, the president of the Redskins gets down, dude. He loves that shit. Wait, so did he get in trouble? No, what happened was that guy was on the sword.

He's probably got the threads ready to go, dude. A lot of hotmail accounts, dude. That guy was already under investigation. Email investigation? Yeah, yeah, the guy who worked for the Redskins. And then so then all his emails became part of the investigation. And then all of his, I guess this was the one guy,

I think that Gruden was dumping all this stuff. Yeah, Gruden was just venting to his boy. He was venting to his boy. Who told? Who told? ESPN or New York Times. The New York Times is such fucking cons all the time. I mean, dude, so that's all they do.

Was there a chain email or something? Who got CC'd at the point where they were like, whoa. No, it was part of the discovery for the investigation. Yeah, but what is the investigation? Wait, so they subpoenaed? I don't know, I wasn't able to figure that out. Yeah, the other guy's email got subpoenaed. For what?

So then they found Gruden. Saying, what was he like? In his emails. What was the other guy doing? I don't know, I don't know. Maybe it was just the Redskins being the Redskins. They just automatically were like, we need to see all your emails.

Yeah, we're gonna check these out. But. What? It's all BS. I wish they had the same intensity when it came to Hillary's emails. Yeah, dude. That's why she had the private servers.

She was probably saying like these fucking queers in the NFL. I can't, these burn it. Anti-football pussies. You just talked to Hillary. Anti-football is the sickest thing they call someone. Somebody, you guys are anti-football. Matt, you're anti-football, dude.

Dude, you're a clueless anti-football pussy. Anybody who's anti-football is fucking clueless. Also, if coaches are in trouble for being homophobic, every coach is fired. Oh my God. The whole point of football is to prove you're straight. That's the entire point. That's literally from Peeweez.

You're like, what are you, a girl from the start? They're like, what are you, gay? I know. If you play football for 15 straight years, you're getting called gay. Yeah, constantly. For getting hit. Yeah.

That's it. I was just starting to come back around to how much I liked Gruden, too. I like Gruden. I spent like the whole lead up to this release. I was watching all those Gruden highlights faces. Isn't his son, too? His son's in the league?

You're thinking Billichick. Billichick. You show me Billichick's son. Gruden also said that he lost his virginity to the Notre Dame fight song. And they were like, wait, you could hear it? Because I think his dad coached at Notre Dame. Yeah.

He was an assistant, I believe. Either way, they were like, wait, you could hear the band playing? He was like, no, it was playing in my head. I was like, damn, Gruden. Fuck. I love you, dude. Yeah.

When he was fucking for the first time, he was sitting there going. That's not anti-football. I bet when he hit that, he spat it up. Oh, yeah, dude. That's not anti-football at all. That is no. That's the definition of pro football.

Well, the reason he was calling people anti-football pussies is because it was right when the concussion stuff came out. Right. So everybody was like, they were talking about like ending football. And he was like, dude, no way. I love football.

Yeah, we're not doing this. Yeah. Damn. That's what we call Roger. Roger Goodell is an anti-football policy. Yeah, dude, put the full. I'm still I'm still blown away by the fact that they subpoenaed coaches' emails.

That's pretty nuts, dude. Yeah. They should seal that. Oh, they can find his workplace. This is pretty wild. Jeffrey Epstein putting that stuff. Rape young girls and they sealed his documents. Yeah.

Really? We can't like Gruden call people gay. Gruden should be allowed to call people gay. It was it was when that first came out, he was also didn't he call he called some guy. Anthony or D something Smith. He said he had like lips like rubber lips, like Michelin tires or something.

He was dropping. He was able to dodge that one a little bit. He was like, no, I just I call people who are liars rubber lips. He could have. And that that. Yeah. But then the rest of them came out.

Or the rest of them. Yeah. And then something about lady refs. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That was a mean. That was a gift. By the way, it's something every single football fan

has. Yes. Yeah. Free Gruden, dude. He didn't get called for racism, though, right? He escaped that when he broke that tackle. Yeah. He got fucking trucked by homophobia. You think he's done for good?

Yeah. I think his contract was worth like 100 million, though. So they're going to pay him out. I wonder if they are going to pay. This is firing for cause or whatever. Oh, last chance. A good season. A last chance to you.

Dude, if he goes to fucking scuba tech down in Mississippi. Holy shit. Please, Gruden. He's about to get paid. I think it becomes Notre Dame. Notre Dame's homophobic. You know, I remember Catholic. They have to be.

By nature. I had a dude fucking corner me about Notre Dame when I was in Chicago. I was on a, we were flying back. You were used to it, though. You've been trained. I was ready to roll. Trained by the master.

He hit me with ND lax. I got hit with ND lax, dude. So this guy, we're sitting there and he sees Maya. Like, you know, this guy's obviously a gentleman and his wife and, you know, Brittany were sitting, or his wife, him and his wife were sitting down in a crowded rental shuttle. And he goes, man, he gives Brittany and Maya a seat

and he stands next to me and he was like. That's a Notre Dame man. Dude, big time Catholic values. He was like, how old is she? I'm like, she's about 19 months. He was like, you got to get her into lacrosse, bro. Really? He got as soon as you can.

He was. Get her in. Really? Lady Lacrosse. He's like, dude, she'll go to school for free. Yep. He's like, you get them in early. They play on the elite teams.

He's like, if you just get them in at eight years old, the rest will take care of itself. He's like full ride. Lady golf too, apparently. Yeah. Well, you have free college, but you are going to have a lesbian daughter. What?

Fair. No, lax. You're going to have a lesbian daughter no matter what at college anymore. So she might as well be able to fucking toss you around more. I thought you were saying me. I was like, what the fuck is that supposed to mean, dude? I'm saying everyone, all of our daughters

are going to be lesbians. Yeah. I mean, God forgive me, my sweet baby. What? All girls are lesbians now, dude. Yeah, yeah. Every girl, yeah. They have to try it out.

Yeah. I mean, you know, God bless them. Do you think you'll resist it at all? No, man, I'm not it. Dude, I'm one of those dads. You ever see a dad's t-shirt? It's like my daughter's body's not mine to protect, and I support her.

Yes. You ever see those? Yes. I saw that on Facebook. It's your people. It's the liberals. True, it is the Libs. It's the liberals.

I've never seen that at the meeting. If you're Republican, you're just like, you can date my daughter, but I have a shotgun. Oh, shoot, your fucking head. But yeah, that the guy he was he was telling me specifically to stay away from. I'll shoot you in the fucking head. If somebody fucks my daughter, I'm going to kill them.

I'll fucking shoot them, dude. I'll kill everybody. If someone fucks my daughter, I'll kill my son. My firstborn. I've managed to not date any girls with dads like that. What, protective? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like aggressive.

Yeah, I never looking up and down the first time. Sixth grade, my girlfriend's dad was a cop. He was he was pretty laid back, though. Really? I just remember he was a big Dolphins fan, which made me laugh. That's pretty funny. He was just watching Dolphins football. They had like dolphins memorabilia in the living room.

We're in central Pennsylvania. Yeah, that's the Marino guy. Yeah, all the Wops love the dolphins. Yeah, dolphins and cowboys. The Wops are a little greedy fucks. Dolphins, they love the dolphins from Marino, but then they're bandwagons for the cowboys. Yeah, yeah.

I was trying to stoke up higher on the cowgirls the other day. You hate the cowboys? I do hate the cowboys. I did. I didn't think I hated them until I went to that game and saw how like people, Texas, people from Texas are just. Yeah, it's crazy. People from the Dallas especially.

Texas, man. It's like, dude, I don't give a fuck about your gay state. You fucking anti football. Pussies. God. You think Texas is anti football? No, Texas loves football. You got to give them credit.

You do have to give credit. I do have to give credit. True. Texas does rule. That's what sucks. Wealthy Texas is is almost weirder than like LA, though. We encountered a little Wealthy Texas. Mm-hmm.

Fuck you, though. Which one was that? What was that? He's the only one dude who's so coked out of his mind. Where? When we were in Austin. Fuck, I'm trying to think. Just some dude.

We were in some bar. Oh, my God. Dude, he was just. Oh, my God. He was so coked out. Oh, my God. I've never seen someone that much coked. It was nuts, dude.

Holy shit. It was crazy. He walks in and says, yeah. And he's like, where's the bathroom right away? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, Wealthy Texas is tough. I never forked with it other than that.

I was the only Wealthy Texan I've ever met. No, like the dudes. Wealthy Texas dudes are like guys that are trying to really like live forever. They get like plastic surgery, like chicks get plastic surgery, like nose jobs, like blood, lip injections. What's other stuff when you get like young people's blood? Is that adrenic room or something?

What's adrenic room? Yeah, bro, I'm not trying to get these platforms. What is it? I don't even know what it is. Yeah, right. Liberal. You guys probably have it at Thanksgiving, dude. Yeah, that's right.

All you guys. It's like a gland. It's like some glandular thing. You can get it out of a baby and you eat it and feel like a God. Yeah. Really? Yes. And then you mandatory vax everybody.

Chris loves the mandatory vax, by the way. Do you like it? I'm indifferent to it. It's racist. It's just, it's just demo racism, bro. It's inherently racist. You can't be on a jury apparently now if you're not vaccinated. Really?

I think that's great. Damn. Well, back to all white juries. That's what they're saying. That's a problem. Yeah, I'll tell you what, man. I I'm a big fan of, you know, I can't stand the man's politics, obviously, but I love Robert F. Kennedy, Jr.

Big fan of politics abominable. What's he saying about the vaccine? Can't stand it. Oh, yeah. But I like his pizzazz. But what's he saying? What's he saying about the vaccine? He's not a proponent.

Bungie non. Bungie nonsense, dude. You know, talking about simulation 201 or when they simulate it, like what will we do in the event of a novel coronavirus? Yeah, something like stuff like that, saying like people like ran a simulation like five years ago and talking about how we would suppress. Yeah, like if there were an event, how we suppress disinformation rather than like focusing on how to get people healthy.

It's just not as bullshit, bro. This is crazy. I saw I just turned it off. I was like, what the fuck? Yeah, that's kind of how I feel about the whole thing. I like the guy. Yeah. I like his energy.

Was he a geese? Is he an old guy? Yeah, pretty old. He's off. Yeah, he's got a fucked up throat. He got fucked up. He sounds insane. Yeah, he got his like that.

Yeah, I've never heard anyone sound like him in my life. Apparently, apparently he says it was from a vaccine. Fucked up a sort of really? He said that. Not, you know, yeah, that's why he's a fucking major network. That's why he's off all the major tubes. Yeah, I will say this. You were anti-vax like years ago.

I remember that. Yeah, I was like, what are you, a fucking hippie? I remember that. Remember years and years ago, I was like, they're positioning for a new trillion dollar industry. And, you know, they're getting it and they deserve it and they should have it, you know, they should all do what they say. And if you disagree, you're a fucking asshole, dude.

You're a threat to our democracy, to our health. Yeah, I just hope all those people get the justice that tried to storm and overturn the entire government. Remember that? The justice that they deserve justice. We need to rat those people out the storm of the Capitol and attempted a coup. What all starts with it all starts with finding homophobic emails.

That's where you find that's like the fucking breeding ground for an anti- My penis stings right now. Yeah, man. I think that's true. I think I think we're safer as a country now that Gruden is not in charge of these Las Vegas raiders. God, dude, the network, they did.

They did not cut the head off the snake with that. If they were if the raiders, I know they're having a good year right now, but if that was like a long term, they won for like, if that happened to Bill Belichick, the Patriots would be like, no. Like we're keeping. Yeah, I wonder now. Belichick's like kind of now that Brady's gone. I think he could he could succumb to it.

Yeah, but I bet they would have. I bet if it wasn't like New England, they were winning the height of his power, bro. Yeah. Where do you go from there? What do you think he's going to do Gruden? Yeah, be sad for like a year. Yeah, and then be like, oh, yeah, I have a hundred million dollars and I want a super bowl.

True. Yeah, it is always like everybody's thing. When someone gets like canceled like that, everybody's always like, you know, he's rich, he'll be fine. It's like, what? So he should just be done with his life now. Yeah. What should he do? Yeah, all he did was like eight years ago. He sent an email to buy a football team, like a minor league football team.

They probably wouldn't sell the Gruden. Yeah, that's the money's right, dude. I don't know. You might grab like in like a year. He can hold coach somewhere. Jay, he hit up John Bon Jovi, dude, and by like an arena. Yeah, turn into a fat cat. That's the crazy thing is I bet if they just coached for another

three weeks, people would be over. What do you mean? Like if they just didn't respond to it, if he said like, this is if. Yeah, no, you just like just you just stop talking about it and like move on to something else. True. Or just, you know, if he came out like, I'm sorry, I called people anti-posting, anti-football. Yeah, that dude, that's got to have coaches fucking quick.

Every coach, every coach, every coach I've ever been in front of has said something wildly homophobic. It's like the military. It is. It's very similar to the military. Yeah. So we're going to have the military, you know, people going on, killing people, you know, they have to do it. But it's like, they're not going to be like, excuse me.

Yeah, yeah. You know, do you remember there was like an island like I think it was like part of some marine base that had some separate island for like the most hardcore. Marines, do you ever hear about this? I know what it is, but I don't want to talk about it. There was something where they like because like someone died because they were doing like, yeah, Paris, Paris Island.

Yeah. Yeah. But I think it was like it was all I think a lot of friends over there. Yeah, I like to talk about that stuff. But I remember them being like, well, this is crazy. We shouldn't be letting them do this. And it's like, I don't think this is any crazy. Yeah, we should. Yeah. Also, it's like, look at Jackass.

Jackass is crazier than whatever they at least they're doing something on that island to like get better, kill other people. Yeah, yeah. Whatever they're doing can't be more dangerous than putting a blindfold on naked with a bowl. True, right? So you want to cancel Jackass? Of course you do. You fucking liberal.

Now, I'm fighting for those marines that want to do risky training on Paris. I don't know that's not giving voice to the voiceless. True. Yeah, I think. Yeah, I think those dudes are I think that's the agreement. Like if they die, everyone's like. Yeah, it's a friendly fire. We're trying to shut it down at the time.

Well, they they have a yeah, if you have like health issues, they'll say like, hey, you know, sit out or if you want to, you know. So having to talk, I've told Goggins. Goggins is a hero. Yeah, they told Goggins. Yeah, he had a heart condition. He tapped out of the I think they're called revolutions when you're in the marines or Navy Seals. It was a water revolution.

He was like you pop or evolutions. Can't do it. Now is one of his biggest crazy, right? Is he what's he talking about? On a day like this, he used to. Well, I think I think he shredded his body. Goggins has to do like two hours of stretching a day. Really? Yeah, he ran.

He ran he ran like 100 mile races. Yeah. What? And just diarrhea all over himself. Nipples bleeding. He's like, I'm not gay. What the fuck? Why do people do that? Because they're not gay. Demons, bro.

Yeah, but it's like, what is it? Why not? Demons, bro. Bike instead. He did it. He did all that shit. He was I think he was doing like. Did everything he could. Yeah, dude. Couldn't escape.

I want to get one of those stickers, dude. They give the marathoners to tell him how many times they had sex at twenty six point two. I literally woke Britney up with that the other day. That makes you give guys stickers for sex or shaking in bed. Do you see those stickers? Twenty six point two. Yeah. Thirteen point one.

Yeah. And we passed the car. What is that? I was like, it's how many times I had sex. I remember that late in bed and was like, got her. That's the best when you're shaking. What would you say? Three? How many times have you had sex? Real rap. Too many to count.

Really? How many times? No, I'm just kidding. I don't know how many different girls. I don't know, man. If you had a guest, dude, don't get weird. You lost count, dude. You pig. Yeah, dude, I'm a pig. You pigged out. I'm an absolute pig.

What? I don't know. I mean, don't worry about it, Sean. I can see you're uncomfortable. You don't want to save yourself from marriage. No, maybe I should start now. Too late, dude. It's never too late. Damn it. Yeah, for a guy. Yeah, you're right.

For a guy, it ups your stock. True. Proves that you're a good guy. But you can't talk about it. They ask you just like, I don't want to talk about this. Girls will ask. They'll be like, how many girls do you do? You say just you, babe. Never kiss and tell.

Yeah, I'm just kind of looking for the right person. True. Share a moment with. Yeah, man, I'm telling you. That's what you got to say. Keeps me honest, dude. I think about I'm like, dude, if I had to do adult dating, like, yeah, it's tough. Yeah, I like it.

I guess. Yeah, I like it. I hear you. I truly enjoy it. Going out on dates, fun. I've mixed I've mixed a mixed emotions about it. It is kind of tender things tough because you're like, yeah, I don't have to thankfully do to my incredible career and entertainment. Yeah, I can just go on dates.

You can have fun and have fun and do cool. I'm talking about looking for the one, dude. But if I didn't have this fucking incredible cloud, if I was just this and worked still selling cars, yes. You'd be on 10. Tender would be. I did try Tinder and it was a nightmare. It's scary, dude. It's socked. It is bad. I go on there.

Everybody would be like, oh, no, I would get DMs. Take it to fuck off here, you freak creature. What's a bumble is the one where the girls can. Yeah, it's all sad. There's like, fuck you, dude. Yeah, I would just get DMs. It's a piece of shit. New York tenders, especially brutal,

because everyone's it's like so hot. And you just look through them all day. Yeah. And then you only get you only get that. You only get that. The most disgusting people on earth. Yeah. No, that's not bad. You're on Tinder, right? Yes. How's that going?

Not well. Do you have fishing pictures? No, I don't. Because that's like everybody thinks it's attack. You should make all fish. I was thinking about it. That's funny. You should do it.

I feel so gay doing it like why you're just trying to fall in love. Just kiss a fish. Anything I write or say or post makes you feel like a fucking lose on on the thing. Yeah, it does make you feel like a loser. My my profile was off the hook. I'm sure it was. My profile was nice. It was insane.

It's like the fiery. My heart has a fiery passion of a thousand Latino lovers. My fucking profile is nasty. Oh, God. It was pretty nasty. It was my only strong suit. Yeah. That my I manipulated my Comedy Central web series, like extra.

I remember that pop that in the profile. That was a big change of pace. Big change of pace. You're on TV. Technically, yes. I'll get blackout. I'll get blackout drunk and give you head one night. In a sense, yes, I was connected to a major network tenuously.

They were interested. Very tenuously. I was an extra in a web series. I'm a big physical actor. Let's just leave it at that. What did you guys have as a yearbook quote? I got so much game. I need a referee.

No way. What do you got? What do you got? I got it from an ice cube song. I don't even know. I was big in ice cube. The Predator that album when I was in eighth grade got so much game. I need a referee.

Oh, my God. Yeah, it was Chris. I don't live lack. Slough. Now, I think I think it was. I think I had like I think it was a Damian Marley quote. Oh, fuck. It was bad.

That's the next one of the most embarrassing things. What was the quote? You have to know. I swear to God, I don't know. I will. I'll find it. Junior Gong. Damian Junior Gong Marley.

What are the calls? Was it a quote from the song or like him? Yeah, it was a quote from the song. It was what's something about, I don't know, probably like stuck in between or something. I seriously. What is it? Yeah, you know, I swear to God, I don't know.

Wish I could call it up. I'll get it. I'll get it for you. I'll figure it out. He said stuck between. What I think it may be. What's what are some of the songs? Stuck in between is definitely one.

That's the first one that I remember. Look up the lyrics just stuck in between. It's bad. I feel like it was. What was the nature of the quote? What was it reflecting upon? It's gay, spiritual, just weird. It's so bad.

It was like it was one of those things. It's gay and spiritual. Matt's like, what's wrong with that? But it's not a big spiritual and gay is fine. It's not a cool. It's so cool. I like it now. That's actually pretty chill.

Are you sure it's this one, Chris? Because this one's written like Chet Hanks told me. It's like Miguel, Miguel. Please tell me. Them kind of gal, they boost your self-esteem. That's why not be here. Man, this is giving me anxiety. I feel terrible for you.

Did you have a patois fucking quote? It is, it is Chet Hanks. Big ups to my music teacher. This is Chris, OK? Me's going to miss you now. Dude, it is that bad. It's something really bad. Fuck, dude.

You had a junior gone quote. Holy shit. I don't think I would have done that. You remember your quote? I either probably didn't hand it in or wrote something to be a dickhead. My brother, Tom, tried doing bad luck, class of 96. They took it away and gave him good luck.

They just like, fuck you. Yeah, I don't know if we did one. I'd have to check. I think yours might have been these anti fucking football. Mine was probably like, I'm D1. See you later. And by the time it was printed, I was already quitting. Did you guys win cool superlatives?

I think we might be home. No, we don't have that. Yes. Wait, was this 8th grade? No, I wasn't class clown. And I remember that bothered me. Somebody else was class clown. And I was like, I'm funnier.

Really? And then I dedicated my entire life to the craft of comedy. I had to be like, I'm definitely funnier than that person. Does it hold up? I don't know. I think it might have been a guy named Joel. Who was very funny?

So that's a funny name. Joel is a funny name. He is still funny. Really? Yes, I've run into him and it grinds my gears, dude. I'll see him at the bar. He'll be like, hey, what's up? And then he'll say something hilarious.

Every whole bar. It's like, hey, guys, the round is on me. How you been, Shane? Yeah, fuck. And I say, big ups, me bark wanted. Me looking for the girl to boost me self esteem. Me play lacrosse at the Drexelman. Drexelman singing anything bus driver.

Me one toss this ball around the horn with me pals. So bad. That's lax talk, pass it around the horn. Yeah, yeah, swinging around the horn. Swinging around the horn, yeah. I played one game of Summer League lacrosse. Lacrosse is great. It's gonna smack me to the stick.

I became furious. Yeah. I became furious, hit them back with the stick, and they're like, that was how they sold it as kids. It was just like, do you want to hit people with the stick? You can do it. What'd you say? Nah, man, that sounds wicked brutal.

Me don't like them sticks done. He played baseball. Everything's going to be ironing. Hey, hey, I didn't know you could do that. Dude, he's junior gone. Chris, now do you believe wet sand holds umbrellas? The wet sand, that boy there. You should have told him you were from the islands.

You should have told him, you know. I'm from the islands, boy. Yo, did you see Tyson Fury, you say, in the end word? Tyson Fury? Tyson Fury, the boxer, the gypsy king. Oh, really? He's like 6' 9". He's huge.

He's a heavyweight champ of the world. It's not, he doesn't say it. He's a white bro. He's singing along to notorious. And if you don't know, now you know. And he says it. On where? Like just like a snapchat?

It's just an old video. It's him and his family. He's like singing with his family. They're all little kids and shit. But it's funny because Black Twitter's been pretty funny about it. Yeah, he can't fall into it. Because he just knocked out Deontay Wilder, who's

like a jacked Black dude. This is the third time he's whooped his ass. And they're like, he said the end word and all the Black Twitter's like, we sent our best hitter, dude. He's allowed to do it. We can't do anything about this one. I feel like there is a grace period with the singing stuff. Singing and when you're the six foot nine heavyweight

champ of the world. Yeah, maybe he's British. Yeah. He's a gypsy. He's a fucking. What are you going to do? Have you seen this guy? You'd love this guy.

I think I've seen you would fucking love this guy. I'm sure he sings. He after after the match, if he wins, I saw that guy sings for like three straight minutes. I saw a clip of that. The guy actually saying walking in Memphis and he changed it to walking in Vegas and he sang it. Slim Thug actually put a thing up on his Instagram.

Fucking incredible. I follow Slim Thug. With a hat, with a Jesus hat, like a Mexican, a Mexican Jesus hat, like Jesus in the shape of the fish. And he's just. And he's a six foot nine gypsy. He's the gypsy king. He's I think his family was like bare knuckle boxers.

And there's a video we talked about a long time ago. There's a video of him. They did like their own podcast type thing. It's just him laying on a couch being like, and the drew the Jews control the media. I don't know what accent that was, but that's he's laying on a couch. Like they do.

He's talking into a mug. He's like, they control immediate. Yeah, man, the. He's the heavyweight champ, dude. He's a champ, bro. There's nothing they can do. Yeah, it's weird. They're fucking going for these dudes who are like dealing

with strict just like like grudans in charge of dudes slamming into dudes. He's in charge of his punching dudes in the head. And they're like, can you fucking believe this? It's like what Chappelle said and his special about the baby. Yeah. He's like, they got him for saying like, my fans don't have AIDS.

Meanwhile, he literally murdered a guy in a Wal-Mart and everyone's like, yeah, he's a rapper. Yeah, man. Yeah. What was it? Wasn't a self-defense? Or must have been must have been. Yeah, them fangs on him.

Really? Say it into the mic, Sean. I might run up on you if you don't talk to the mic. Yeah, dude. He shot someone down in the Walmart when they ran up on him. He said he'd clean up in aisle 16. Damn, I just seen a shooting in the Walmart.

I'm sure I would have. Dude, my car, that would have been right out the door. Oh, you would have stolen? Security, I believe you have something to handle. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. After shooting somebody? No, during the shooting in Walmart.

Immediately shoplifting. I would have been. What was that show where people load as much stuff into your shopping cart? Yeah. That Walmart must super market. Plunge, dude. Super market sweet.

When I was a kid, that was the dream. I used to fuck around. I remember watching that like, this is incredible. And then now that you're adult, it's like they got like $300 of like bread. Some idiots just swiping like Ziploc bags. It's like shopping at BJs. You can just go shop at BJs.

Yeah, you can just do that now. Yeah, that was that was really. They should bring those shows to like North Korea. You know, just be like, hurry up, dude. Yeah, as much as you get as much food as you can real quick. And then at the end down on the way out at the end, just like check if they said anything bad about the fucking leader, the dear leader.

Yo, put that shit back, bro. Yeah, man, I used to I used to watch that and go to like Gennari's with my mom and just be like, I just want to fucking swipe it in just one aisle, dude. Snack aisle. It's like fruit by the fruit by the fruit. Gossiers kangaroos. Swipe kangaroos, bro.

Yeah, man. That was a bugles guy. You would be your main bugle man. Did you put him on your finger? Yeah, of course. Yeah, yeah. When's the last time you have bugles? I got them at a hotel recently.

Yeah, really? They hold up. They're good. I hadn't had bugles in a decade. I was a big Funyuns hat, dude. Funyuns. A big Funyuns hat. They always seemed low class to me.

The decadent, dude. Funyuns are decadent. They always, the bag always seemed like it was for pores. Yeah, true. It is a poor person snack. That was a trade I'd get. You know what else I've literally never eaten? Spicy hot Cheetos.

I've never even eaten those. Flamin' Hots? Bro. I've seen too many pores devour them. You're just in Shytown. True. You go to the corner stores there. I tried to get some Shytown pussy,

and I ended up slicing my damn penis. That's a big thing in Shytown, dude. You open a bag of Flamin' Hots, and they just throw cheese on it, and shake it up, and send it out. Damn. It's basically a chi-cheese. It's like a G.O.A. thing. But yeah, bro.

Get some Flamin' Hots with cheese. That's the only thing second better to Chattown pussy, bro. I'm not a big fan of super hot chips. Andy Caps Hot Fries? No. What'd you say? Andy Caps Hot Fries? I've never even heard of those.

You know the cartoon Andy Caps? No. Andy Caps Hot Fries. They might have been the most swiped out of them. Andy Caps is a cartoon in the Sunday paper that it was just a guy who'd come home drunk, and his wife would like hit him, and he'd leave. And then they launched it, and then they launched their merch.

Man, you must have loved that. Oh, all right. Yes, I have seen those. Yeah, their merch was. Then they started slanging merch with Hot Fries. They were probably the most delicious snacks. You know who else ruled? The Lockhorns.

Isn't that their name? It's just a guy who trashes his wife every day. Was it the Lockhorns? Or is this the Viking dude? No. I think I know you're talking about. Two guys, it was a guy and a woman that would just talk shit to each other.

It was a man and a wife. A lot of things. I used to fuck with. See if that's a, it can't be, it might be the Lockhorns. I used to fuck with Don Secreter. Maybe I'm wrong about Andy Caps. Is it the Lockhorns? Was that correct?

Do you fuck with the Piranha Club? I don't even know what that is. The Lockhorns. Let me see, can I see them? Yeah, they used to Lockhorns. Oh, dude, the grumpy guy. The grumpy guy and his shitty fat wife. Do they talk shit to each other?

That's a lot like Andy Cap. Yeah, it sounded like that's what. I just munched on Andy Cap. I didn't enjoy his artwork. It's so funny. I just enjoyed his culinary fucking art. Yeah. Like I never, I would, because I would, you know,

I'd laugh at all this dude. You used to laugh at the Funnies? Yeah, dude, I loved it. I used to like. Mom, mom. Look at this. Yes, I'll have strawberry cream cheese on my bagel. Yeah.

Yeah. Christopher, are you looking at the Funnies again? We have no time for this. It's yacht practice. You're late for not tying. Take the real estate section. Oh, my god. Christopher, have you been listening to that reggae?

You must be on marijuana. Dad, I'm not. I just got to my room. I plan to drive some Mexicans out of their minds. It makes them crazy. Anyway, I enjoyed the Funnies. You used to blast reggae? I used to enjoy the Funnies big time,

big Sunday paper. I was, I go home, I would just munch a bagel. That's, you know, I'm as projected. I will say Family Circus can suck my dick, though. Yeah, I never liked Family Circus. Not for me. Beetle Bailey was. Is he the troupe?

Yeah, I liked Beetle Bailey. I used to grab. I liked that big ass Great Dane. What was his name? Marmaduke. Always up to no good. True. I liked Calvin and Hobbes.

I'd pretend that I understood. You love, you, you actually like love Calvin and Hobbes. Yeah, I used to read their books. I got their books. I used to read them. Funny, funny side, or Farside is the goat. Farside is so good. I used to snag the bra section out of the like Coles catalogs

or like JC Penney's. I would snag that and the Funnies at the church. Whack off and laugh. Let the bath and ride the fucking. What's better than that? I mean, come on, man. That's the whole point of life. It was the best.

Jizzing and laughing. I'll get out of church. Everything will be so fucking good. There's a there's a Farside cartoon that caused a ruckus and it was it was like a cow's tools. And it made no sense. And it drove people insane. What was it because they couldn't figure out

what the point of the joke was. You're right. It was like it was like it literally a cow standing there with shitty tools that a cow would make. That was the joke like a shed. Yeah, the joke was that cows would not be able to make good tools. And it just drove people nuts.

What the fuck does this mean? He was getting like letters. Really? Yeah. Yeah. What's that guy's deal? He's he's just rules. Yeah, I love to read.

He said he would get so much hate mail. Yeah, you get so much hate mail of people being like, yeah, with a lot of stuff. Just like, what the fuck is this? What does this mean, dude? And he would just be like, I don't really know. Yeah, it's just a cow's tools. Doodle this stuff.

Farside is great, man. I don't he didn't like set out. I don't think to be like he just made doodles and like started putting man. I'm going to look at some Farside. I guess that's so funny. I have a big Calvin and I was anthology. I used to read those when I was little.

I fucking love those. It's time for us to get back into the funnies. True. Where's do we have a funny section? Hocus Focus was my favorite. Really? Which let me go dog. Bring up Hocus Focus.

So I can take a look at it. Hocus is just where there's two similar looking images. It's slightly different. Don't judge me. I used to fuck with differences. Oh, yeah. I used to fuck with Kathy hard. Kathy?

Kathy. Let's see Kathy. Let's see what Kathy's up to. Kathy was a sick funny. What was that pitch up to? It was just like I think it was just looking back on it. I think it was just like a middle-aged woman in crisis. Did you ever get a Kathy birthday card for your mom?

Oh, OK. I remember Kathy. I didn't see him as Kathy, sir. You talking to the mic? Sean, talking to the mic. Act like you've been here before, please. You're the producer, bro. What the hell?

Sean, this episode was going great. You guys ever, I always tried to catch up with Prince Valiant. I never could. Did you have Prince Valiant? No. Oh, was that like the serious ones? Dude, those bothered me so much.

It'd be one clip. And I'd be like, what's happening in the story? It'd be like, and they got away on a boat. I'd be, I remember being a little kid taking a shit. Like, what the fuck? What happened? It would just be one scene. I'd be flipping through.

I'd be like, ah, dude, I always. And the cartoon was crazy looking. That was that's crazy that that was like a remnant of like World War Two, that like we got to experience. That was like what old people back then were like, oh, I wonder what happened this week. My favorite. Wow.

Back to walking around outside. Back to staring at the sky. Yeah, never had any idea what was going on. Back to remembering those war crimes. We need to do a funnies, dude. There was a funny guy. I committed to Prince Valiant for like two months. Yeah.

And was unable to figure out what was happening. I used to just forget it. I look at it and by the time the next week came, I'd just be like, totally forget it. I was a big deal. There was funny. Dober was my one of my favorites. One that was like the it was like birds in a tree.

Do you remember what the fuck was it called? And they would like there was like a bar. There was it was like, you know, it was birds in a tree, but they were having their lives were falling apart. All the funnies were lives are falling apart. Yeah, dude, these are both those were fucking. Yeah, like depression era humans. They were like, yeah, you think your life sucks?

Look at this bird. Scott Adams did try out. Scott Adams did try out. He was one of the only cartoonists. One of the few who now he has like a YouTube blog. Yeah, he's he's a lot. You know what propelled his career or no? He's he's like he has very strong views against.

Oh, wait, was he Dilbert? Yeah, he's he loved the Trump. Yeah, he did. Yeah, he was saying he like try. He was trying to he did like a weird thing. He's like, I don't love Trump, but you have to understand. He's into his art of powerful. Yeah, yeah, he's big into persuasion, extremely powerful.

And that was exactly what he's doing all the time. Yeah, big into persuasion. He was he was like, if he did, I mean, that's what that's. Well, that's the that's like, how can you argue and look at the results? That's the real problem with you guys. That the real catch point, too, with the left is like, is he a nincompoop or is he orchestrating a coup and destroying the democracy?

Catch 22 with the left is nothing they do is cool. Everything they do is not cool. I'll tell you what, your guys having a tough time right now in the polls. And everything Republicans do is kind of cool. Well, no, it didn't used to be that way. Leave me alone. It didn't used to be that way. It didn't be until you guys really started shoving it down. Everyone's throw.

All you guys had to do for a while was just like, no, you can get abortions and everyone's like, yeah, it's sensible. Now you guys fucking lost. It's too tough. I have a theory, Trump was like a CIA shock doctor and just completely destabilized the country. I when he first came in, I was like, dude, I think this is part of a larger orchestra.

I think he's just a rogue way. I don't think it was orchestrated. I think it just is what happens with our media and with everything. I don't think it was like they sat down and were like, let's do this. I think just any time something that polarizing comes out with today's the way we're set up, it's going to destroy everything. That's very possible. My thing is significantly.

I don't think they've been able to. No, they're true. I was saying, it's very possible that I'm wrong. What I'm saying is he created the perfect conditions for us to have, you know, and rightfully so, I'm glad we've had all of our constitutional rights stripped away. Yeah, I think I think he set up the perfect conditions for that to happen. Yeah, but again, yeah, right back.

But that was just because exactly what would happen with this media is if one bully got it, I guess so, I guess. Yeah, I guess the media had chilled on him a little. Yeah, it wouldn't have been that polarizing. No, that's a fair point, because they would have just passed. They made everybody cry. Did you see the video of him? Chris and all his friends cried.

I did not cry on election night. I did not cry. You came close. I was upset. The democracy is dead as we know it. Me gone one. Me so sad now. You hear me?

It's a dick day to ship to my people. The Trump I'm on. Him no good. Yeah, well, they were just quietly passing that stuff before. That was a funny thing. They were just quietly past all kinds of wild shit. Yeah, that's what Snowden got. Like that was his big moment when they were like, you know,

the government can read all your texts. Everyone's like, what is it? Yeah, we passed the bill. Oh, come on. Stop crying. Yeah, we're going to read your text. So I guess you don't have to destabilize. Yeah. Yeah, they can do it some other way.

Maybe it was just the swing from Obama. It was like everyone got to be pumped on Obama. And then they're like, I don't know. Just like, you can't take it. I mean, that clip the other day was the funniest thing. Eight. No, no. The one where he was looking at that sleeping guy.

Yeah, it's just like there's some dude out of speech. I don't know where he's from, Turkey or something. Yeah, Muslim. And he's Egypt, Afghanistan, Turkey. Muslim fell asleep in a Trump round. He was just hand to the right and Trump's there looking at him. Somebody else was giving a speech. All these world leaders are on a stage

and there's a Muslim guy sleeping. The camera pulls back and Trump's just like. Like a dad in church like, what the fuck are you doing? I thought he said it was doing a Trump rally of Middle Eastern guy passed out like slap. Oh, no, no, no. You think you'd be on fucking. It's so pretty.

Yeah, as they're paying for the right Melania sitting there just staring straight ahead, motionless, just gets to his face. And it is the funniest scow. It scowls in the only way that Trump can. Yeah, you think he'll be back? I think so. I think he'll be back.

Storm back 2024. You're dropping breadcrumbs. Do you think the storm is coming? I think so. How could he not doing Q drops, bro? He's still got the heat. Yeah, he's the only one that can. No one can beat him.

But like, what are they even beating? What are they doing? Well, I'm saying like, there's no other Republican that'll be able to get the nomination over him. Yeah. And then. Then it's because there's a whole middle ground of people that don't give a fuck about politics that want Trump to win.

Yeah, you know. Whoever those people are. Yeah, true. I don't want to win. Yeah. I don't know what I want. I genuinely don't don't know what I want right now in terms of him coming to do.

I want to deal with it. Yeah, I don't want to do more years of hearing about him. I don't want to deal with that. But then again, it's the same thing as last time. And we've said this a million times, but it's like, do I want to deal with him? No. But do I want the left to get their way

after they stomped and cried for four years? I also don't want that, which that's them winning. Us all being like, I don't want to deal with this again is us being like, I don't want to deal with the left being fucking giant pussies, know nothing, anti football pussies for four more fucking years. The left is anti football. I think I would say so.

I'm telling you, Matthew Conahey. I think it's going to be a I think it's going to be a classic. It's going to be Kamala Trump. It's going to be a classic and she's not even going to be close to him. That would be a fucking disaster if they try to run her. Yeah, definitely not. And they might because they have to.

Yeah, they have to buy their own rules that they've created. They have to elect a woman of color. Biden's just got a limp into that fifth year. He's, um, bro, I see the videos. People trying to say he should himself. Yes. When everyone rushes out. I got you told me about it. I got to see every I was looking for.

I was looking for Chris doesn't watch Biden. It's not Chris refuses to look at himself in the mirror. I see what you've created. Yeah, I mean, dude, I've seen that a while for the first time in my life. I'm like, I think I might vote. I think I might vote next presidential. Yeah, for Trump for anyone other than I might vote Republican Libertarian. No, I need I need someone to win.

I need whoever these Texas senators are who are being like, we're not fucking shutting down school. I don't know. One of these guys from Florida might run. Yeah, that could be a guy instead of Trump because Trump will be geased up. I mean, he'll still be on whose wild amounts. I'm in a ramp all right now.

Rand Paul hate the man's politics, bro. I hate what he's doing to Fauci, but Rand Paul. Did you guys get to watch Fauci? He doesn't have the magic. What? Fauci's Disney documentary. What was that about? I saw a trailer. Your people made this.

It's about around this pandemic back when he was. No, they leave out the AIDS pandemic. So they don't talk about his role. They leave out HIV. Like a girl who's got lesbian parents who grows up to be a doctor or something. Oh, I have no idea. There's a Disney thing on Disney Plus called Fauci.

I know what you're talking about. It's about it's like it follows a family from like the start of Fauci's thing and like you watch his American health get worse and worse under his leadership over the course of like 30 years. And then it looks into his patents and where all his money comes from. I see that looks decent.

He's working hard. He picks up and makes a move. I can't believe no one's like gotten tricked hard enough anti Fauci to try to kill him yet. You know what I mean? Because dudes that fall into that like wormhole of like Fauci is the devil. Like Bill was like seething when he saw Bill Gates.

He's got an army. We just had Bill Gates on TV. He's like, I hate this motherfucker so much. I was like, why? He's like, fucking look at him. Now Fauci's got body doubles. He's got an army of tiny Italians. Yeah, man.

I mean, dude. Yeah, that's what I think. I'll be honest. I don't like the guy. You don't like him. I don't like Fauci, bro. I don't like Gates. I don't I don't see them.

I just like the fact Gates hangs with pedos, bro. And that's kind of like weirds me out. Yeah, but so did Trump talk. Yeah. Fucking weirds me out. Yeah. It's bizarre. But Gates is like, but here's the thing though.

Trump did say I went there. I went out to staff. I went there once Gates's stuff is post conviction for child sex. And it was like, allegedly multiple encounters. Yeah. Gates is like, I was looking in for fundraising options. And it was like, it just doesn't add up.

Yeah, I saw that that interview. Oh, wait. Didn't you guys just show me up? Yeah, yeah. And he's like, I was exploring fundraising options. And his wife apparently has come out and been like, he used to go chill there. He used to decompress.

On the island. At the New York. His ex-wife. Excuse me. I think you get high enough up there. You're going to cross paths with some pedos. Yeah. That's your excuse.

But post, they get post. What the fuck? I don't get mad at Trump. You fucking make excuses for these people. All that. I hold Trump at arm's length. No, look. I hold Trump's for every arm.

I'm a pragmatist, you know? But what would the world's richest man need to do to like, what contacts would he need from a convicted pedophile? I don't know. Like, who can he not talk to? I don't know. I don't know. I mean, he probably has a pretty extensive network.

I've watched enough Game of Thrones where sometimes, you know, you got to make strange. Do you think Epstein was just protecting the realm? Instead of being eunuch, he just had his egg-shaped penis and was like, yes. He was. Epstein was that guy. The guy that was out in the woods with all his daughters.

I mean, John Snow did stay there. True. So, raster. John Snow did stay there. So technically, John Snow is on the list. God damn. Instead of leaving his firstborn sons, he was leaving like Claire's accessories out in the snow.

They will come. Yes. Yeah, man. Yeah, I don't, you know, I don't have extreme animus towards the man. I'm just kind of like, what's up with this fucking guy? I haven't done any research at all. I only watched talking points with Saga and Crystal Ball.

And the whole time I watch it, I just laughed at myself thinking, how much Saga has a crush on Crystal Ball? I just watched him look at her. You're doing it for the world. Saga and Crystal Ball. Crystal Ball? Yeah, her name's Crystal Ball. Her name is Crystal Ball.

Yeah, dude. She's not to be trusted. Dude. She just she comes from bad stock. Crystal Ball? She comes from stupid people. She definitely does. She definitely does.

She does the number one news show on Spotify right now. I heard. Thanks for your listening. Joe Rogues. Joe Rogues likes them. I like them, dude. Did they pass Joe Rogues? No, he put them on.

Dude, before I forget this, there's a podcast. Everybody go listen to it. It's called Promo Code Podcast. All right, that's all. Check it out. I forgot. I wanted to pump this up. Hell yeah.

It's a very funny podcast. It's called Promo Code Podcast. Listen to it. Who's podcast is it? Fuck, I can't think of his name right now. Did you put him on a spot like that? What the fuck's your problem, dude? Yo, speaking of getting put on the spot,

I was watching this interview with Ben and Jerry's. Did you guys see that at all? I saw it. It's so funny. Why they don't support Israel or something? It was something about their anti-Israel. They're pro-Israel, but they're against Israel's policies. So I think they were going to stop sending ice cream there.

Yeah, they did. And so the girl was just like, aren't you guys big on voting laws and abortion? Why don't you stop selling the text as in Georgia? And he's like... That's a good question. He was like, well, we're not going to just stop selling. Those are our countrymen.

Can't not sell ice cream. Yeah, it was pretty funny for him to get hit with that question. And just be like... And the other guys, I don't know which one, Ben or Jerry, I don't know which one doesn't talk. They've got a real pen and teller thing going on. Yeah, one of them doesn't talk. Damn, dude.

And just sat there looking at the other guy like, don't fuck this up, dude. What are you going to say? They did a blockade on the Jays, dude. Yeah, they hit them. How much ice cream do you think the Jews eat? Yeah, do they eat a lot of ice cream? Quite 25% of the world's.

You think so? I don't know. You think they got a stranglehold on ice cream? They probably eat a decent amount of ice cream. I bet and Jerry Jews. I actually, I think Jews typically have fucked up stomachs and react to dairy poorly. So maybe not.

And Asian people too. Asian people don't tolerate the lactose. I could see that. Yeah, because they didn't... We, you know, the whites, did we were the first to do the milk and shit? No. What are you talking about, dude?

No chance. Stop stealing the stuff from the Africans. You're appropriate. I don't know. No. The milk and stuff, I would imagine, like that was Middle East, North Africa.

Milk and honey, bro. It was in the Bible. Oh yeah, landed milk and honey. Just some hungry boys. Although they do like goat's milk. Yeah. So it could have been any milk. Could have been a tit milk and honey.

True. Would have been nice. Just hitting a cow. Sucking a lady's tits. It must have been awesome, dude. What, sucking lady's tits? Just sucking tits. Just walking around the earth back then,

just being like, I'm hungry. Come here, lady. Fuck yeah, dude. Lot of... I got a full belly from sucking this cow's titties. Yes. Man.

Where did that... That's ancient knowledge, dude. Yeah. You're just so fucking hungry. You just suck to go full life and never have an ice to drink. A what? Never have one cold drink.

Yeah. Yeah. I bet they got a cold night. They probably got some cold nights. Yeah, dude, that's chili shit. And there's some cold water. They probably ran into some cold water. But I'm talking about cold water on a hot day.

It's probably very rare. Yeah, it's very rare. It's more comfortable. Eat cold water in winter time. I could live without... I could live on just room temp water. It's so refreshing, you know, when it's cold. Yeah, I don't mind room temp water.

It's not, it doesn't... Easy to chug. Do you? Yes. And I love chugging water. Love chugging. I chug water constantly. I don't want to brag, but I have to pee so bad

because I chugged so much for a game here. Matt. Sean, I basically drank... But yeah, no, I think they must have got like little mountain springs every now and again. Yeah. The Romans had ice. That was something we got called out on.

Really? How the fuck did they get all that ice? And then the show was bullshit. The Romans apparently had ice. They bury it, right? You bury ice, you can last a long time. I don't want to talk about that. I don't want to get into that.

Yeah, I don't want to get into that. You bury ice, you can last a long time. Yeah, you know about that and sand, huh? Yeah. These are two things I know about. That's what they used to do. They would bury ice in the ground because the ground is cold.

It's chilly down there. Or it's stable temperature. Yeah. Geothermal. And you pack it all together. Back in the day in Harrisburg, they used to chop the ice right off the river. Yeah.

01:10:47,720 --> 01:10:47,720 01:10:47,720 --> 01:10:50,200 And then the ice man would come around, cart around some blocks of ice. There's a big block. They still do that in poor countries, I'm sure. No, they do it in New Hampshire. Well, you can go up there for an ice cutting.

You just cut big cubes of ice out of them. Nice. How many people do you think, how many ice men do you think got greedy in the spring and died? Trying to get some more. I think you can only do a deep winter to get big chunks. True. But that's the that's the point.

Exactly. And you're saying how many people got greedy. Yeah, they don't cut it off. It's like it's a chilly March day. And you're like. What the fuck are you doing? You couldn't wait until the podcast was done to jump. Dude, we have like four more minutes left.

And you had to jump. He's like a fucking mouse in the corner. And it was loud. That was it was unfortunately loud. God, dog, America, dude. You've been masturbating so hard that your penis is damaged. Have you been using those chocolate covered almonds as like a. No, no way.

That's a once a day thing. Chris, where in my case like that, man? How hard you fapping? How long? What's your duration of your sesh? I mean, I mean, I don't know, 15, 10. Yeah, that's that's about right. 15 is a little.

So how are you getting that? Because you live with your parents, right? So what are you, you know, you wait till they go to bed. You're doing it while they cook dinner. Like what do you do? Do you ever come down for dinner after just fapping? No, no, I don't really. Chris did that after the garden.

Remember that? After what? When you and your father built a garden, you went upstairs and. And then you masturbated and went down for dinner. How many times do you think your dad masturbated before dinner and just came down like, I don't know. True.

Just did it. You know, they come down, they go. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, one time I did get caught masturbating and then have to go right down to dinner afterwards. Oh, she were masturbating. No, I was masturbating before dinner. I was like middle school, maybe like 14.

My mom came in to tell me dinner was ready and I was masturbating. And I had to go and eat meatloaf with mommy and daddy after getting caught. Who'd you rather get caught by, mommy or daddy? Daddy by a. Daddy, but daddy was a jerk about it. Yes.

Daddy would have made fun of you. Daddy would make fun of you. Which would have been funny. And if my dad caught me wacking off and then we had to go to dinner. Oh, he, first of all, he was funny. So he wouldn't do it right away. But eventually he's like, Shane, really,

cutting that meat pretty fast. Like some bullshit like that. And he makes you break. He'd be like, fucking dad, everybody does it. My dad would get me, dude. My dad would get me. He got me a few times. Just he knew how to do it in the bathroom.

That was my main. He was Cation. He was gunning for you. Before shower. That was your Alamo. If I were in there too long. If I know someone's wacking off, I'm fucking with him. What?

He would bang on the door and be like, what are you doing in there? Get out of there. Yeah, it's the best thing to do. What the hell are you doing in there? Oh, sometimes he would even pop open the lock, but not open the door. Just to pop it to scare you.

Holy shit. Dude, you're sick, man. But your dad's jacked, right? Yeah, he's jacked. He's jacking Italian, dude. He's a jack and Italian guy that's fucking with you. That's very funny.

Yeah. That's nice. That's actually a nice thing. It's good fun. Yeah. Yeah. My dad, I think, catches you. That's bad.

Yeah, that's disgusting. Put the almonds down. You don't need to eat. What was that dinner, Charlie? Situation. What was that dinner? I can't remember. I remember it was masturbating black down.

I remember it was masturbating to the girl in Super Troopers, the blonde lady in Super Troopers. Yeah. That's nice. Oh, and what? Ursula, on my TV, I paused it on the TVR and just looked at the still photo. Wow.

You just looked at it nice. I would rewind and go to like another. That's pro football right there. That's your very pro football. Damn, dude. Yeah, my dad would, I think, would have just been like, yeah, Jesus Christ and blocked it out. Yeah, what the hell are you doing?

He's very uncomfortable at sex talk. My whole family would never, ever talk about sex. Yeah. Yeah, which is the right thing. Yeah. Same. I mean, we didn't talk about my mom opened the door when she called me before dinner, screamed.

I screamed and she shut it. And then we just never talked about it again. Screamed. How did she scream? She was like, ah. And you went, ah, ah. I was like, it was like a yell. Get the fuck out of here, mom.

Yeah. And I like ripped my shorts back up. I'm not hungry. Man, that was bad. Imagine kids now, dude. You'd probably have like a VR headset, like a blood plug in. You're like, dude, come on, come on, come on, get up.

You have like a, do they have like any sort of like artificial tentacle device? I don't know. Just sucking on a tentacle. That would be rough getting caught by your mom and not knowing you're caught because you have your VR on and your mom just walks in and you don't notice.

She's had to have happened. Oh, certainly. You're sucking on a vibrating egg. It's just in your mouth. You have a blood plug. You have like vibrating panties over your face. You're sucking on the vibrating egg. Be hot.

Yeah. All right. I think it's time to switch over to the page. Yeah, I think so. Where are we at here, Sean? 120? Thought so. Yes.

Austin 116. Go listen to promo code podcast. Yes. Thank you. Yes.