Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 368 - Island Boiz (feat. Mike Rainey & Tim Butterly)

Episode Date: October 20, 2021

Hello. Studio was an island ting dis week. Daddy's away on very important business. So Matt held it down with two true D.A.W.G.Z. Mike and Tim, mere days before he and his wife are to be joined in holy matrimony. What a beautiful thing. Enjoy.  Support the D.A.W.G.Z @patreon.com/MSsecretpod Support Dad Meat @ patreon.com/dadmeatpodcast Support Lil Stinkers @ patreon.com/lilstinkers

There we go made it just three island boys, baby. A couple island boys Epstein island boy Give my lesson by Bill Clinton Probably gonna feel my cheeks figured by Gary Glitter So I must be hilarious when you're doubt like taking the weirdest request and it's like, you know Like you're like you're like I need 12 year old Cambodian chicks and I'm like, whatever bros me and potatoes They're like, what about two little special needs wiggers? They don't need Florida wigger twinks

I need some reggae tone 14 year old white reggae tones. They're like Dude twickers, they're on the menu. You see it start calling around Yeah, that's pretty hot. You think they got parents getting up on one of them little island boys So fucking Florida island boys Where in Florida they from their little fellas too. You could definitely there. Well, I was when I saw their pictures You can take them both by force at the same time. Oh, dude, no problem Dude, they're from the world. I could do four store along both of those Twisting my torso to whoever I did. Yeah, I could make them spit roast me

Well, you back one up into the wall Oh, let them you don't let them you got it. He's gonna try to get like lateral movement But you got to back him into the wall and you just pull the other one You can do four sodomy on yourself. Yeah Yeah, it's called a four sodomizer For someone to fuck you in the butt I call it bottoming from the front I'd be a fucking I mean, it's there's power bottoms when you throw it back, but that's like absolute

dictator bottom, dude You're gonna fuck me in the butt Yeah, little bitch. It's the ultimate display of power. It is it's it's a pair. It might be a strange loop That's the ultimate paradox goal display of power. It's dictator bottom It's kim jung Dude, I'm here with motherfucking Mike Rainey. I'm here at motherfucking Thank you for having us out bros. It's great to change in california. Good for him man. What's he doing partying? No, he's uh, he's opening up for a very famous. Oh, right. Right. Right. I forgot about that. Oh, yeah

The biggest news in the world. Yeah, I forgot about that sometimes pretty cool. Sometimes daddy has to take very important business trips, dude I hope he brings us back presents. I hope so. He better come back with presents for us I mean a little keychain a little mug Does he take like does he take like a trinket of yours and like take pictures of it on the road for you and send him back? I wish you know like an absentee father Yeah, I gotta take this uh This stuffed uh frog to the Eiffel tower and take a picture on a business trip. I just have my baseball glove, dude I'm just coming up front and out front every day just tossing my fucking car and calling my glove

Every time you hear like a car passing and it's like a quick perk up Little matty Be truthful. Would you get jealous? Would you get jealous if you saw an instagram video of him in the pool with the island boys? That would be the thing I think that pushed me over the edge. I would tear this whole podcast apart just out of spite and rage It's being like, what the fuck? I'm an island boy, dude, not you If you like got tatted up with them as in the pool, damn my island boy There's I call me. What are you doing right now? What are you doing? I

I just got this one thing I gotta do today, and then I'm probably just gonna go back to the hotel Fuck I'd be I'd be devastated dude if you're with the island boys What's their names again? It's like red something Kodiak Kodiak. Look at those two little youngsters, bro. Gardini. I appreciate you disciplining yourself for the google You've been uh pigging out lately and people were very upset Guard dog, you could be an island boy. You're built like that Uh, are you saying you could force him to fuck you in the ass? I'm saying it wouldn't take much

You think you could back it up on him. Yeah, what would trap you have to set it trap Those little kids are rascals, bro. They're quick dude. I would leave a trail of m&m's leading to my asshole It would you have to do like one m&m one xanax bar And then they would fucking those kids they look they strike me as a couple of fellers that love barbiturates How will they think they are gotta be 14 I mean look at the one go to the one where he's looking top right cardini guard dog Go to gotta be 14.com. I feel like soldier boy is connected with these guys. Look at that guy Guy loves an axe. Yeah, it's also. How are you getting so many tattoos these these fellers for the audio listeners, dude

I promise you two maybe what 120 pound fellers kids look like this in high school now. It's nuts tats Yeah, it's crazy. Don't you need like a parent to come tatch you up? I don't know boys, dude. I think you're sure you're international waters. True that They probably live in like fucking I think Orlando. I think parents are like kind of letting their kids go forward on tick-tock now True if you need full body tat That's the only reason I have to support you. Yeah, that's the only reason I'm having kids They better wear like fucked up eye contacts the whole time like like glowing eyes Yeah, my kids don't go viral. What is this? Are you not on perks?

Are you not on xanax right now? What's wrong with you? Hey, why don't you call like nine of your friends over here and stay here for like I don't know two years and see if you guys start something. Let's pay this mortgage I learned it by watching island boys. All right I'm gonna pressure the shit out of my kids to go. If my kids don't go viral. I'm gonna be pissed, dude Yeah, that'd be so sick your kid starts making like 250k a month Just put him in the pool in basketball shorts and don't let him out till they come up with a jingle I'm gonna take my skin. I'm gonna tap my kid's face. I'm gonna be like, you'll hold the sir

Get my kid like a tear dropping across Nine months that baby will go viral dude if I had it my baby my baby go viral probably get paid I might do a um, I might start Yeah, if I have another kid, you know anytime soon, I might have My uh, Maya like do stunts over the newborn Yeah, like jumps and like tat them up Tat up Maya let her do like jumps or like or just like see if I could train my newborn to like, you know when jackass kids bob You know when strong men have like uh, people step on their stomachs

Like trucks, I'm gonna train this infant to be able to withstand like I don't know. Maybe like a dog or something Dude, if you have another girl, you could have island girls island gals would be nice, dude Island gals. I don't know that would be That would be way more successful if these were 14 year old girls in the pool Yeah, we don't we don't have like uh island girls conjures a different image by the way island boys is like you're smoking We playing soccer island girls is like you better put this fucking basket on your head, dude Get this basket on your head right now True as he calls really insensitive. I shouldn't say that

No, yeah island boys have a lot more fun than island gals. I do island boys. They're falling out of hammocks on weed Yeah, you guys island gals island girls. Dude. There's a lot of there's a lot of egg row island boys, too Like a lot. It's a lot of like, yeah, we're chilling. It's because they're getting concussed from falling coconuts Dude, I I briefly I briefly dated a woman. She was dating an island boy And she got kicked out of her house because there was an ak-47 Island boy had a ak-47 and apparently He was beefing with someone and like the person came to the house who also had a gun That's why the cops came and he got deported back to the island boy

And then we'd be hanging out and some guy from Ohio another island boy who moved to Ohio We'll call her literally. That's what I got. He would call her like 25 times We'd be sitting there at our phone like Merch like yeah, he calls me like 20 times a night. He freaks out. Wow. Sometimes island boys. She probably loved that too Well, probably yeah, I definitely loved that. It made me scared when I found out at her More you're scared that you like she probably told you more details watching you getting freaked out. She'd be like, yeah And he's just like crazy There's this island boys, dude. I was dude. I was fucking chilling with a lot of island boy

I might have been putting out island boy vibes myself. So that might have been why even fucking we were vibing so hard I had fleas in my house at the time That might be the most island boy She was a trooper she would come she saw I had fleas like come to my spot, dude That dude was sick. I've told this story before that's when I slept in at bodega for like Would you fuck her with your james on? Uh, no, we would we would we would make love to like the uh, media dvd. You know what a dvd is all loop It was just a loop in the background. Would you hear her? We're like

No, no, I don't remember actually. I don't remember the sound of it. I think no I think it was actually silently looping in the back. Would you be like, okay? Gardini stop picking out on the screen. Hold me upon command I'm sorry. I'm kidding. Gardini. I appreciate you and I I celebrate you. He's fired up off all that dark chocolate you gave I get bossy, dude when the dark chocolate hits me I you can do knows about me. I get bossy as hell. You turn to it. You turn to a city boy I'm gonna do a fucking I it's a new york minute, dude. I get the dark chocolate at me I'm fucking I'm like Logan Roy from uh, did you watch a succession? No new seasons out

Oh my god This is one of the shows that you told me was good. My favorite. I think it's my favorite show I've already watched I can't watch show this dude. I don't have the capacity to watch a show anymore. You watch squig games I did watch squig games. Yeah, that's pretty good. Yeah, that's pretty good I'll tell you what and this this is I think you're gonna clown me like you watch you watch that shit I thought it was so far. I think it's pretty cool. I do get discombobulated and I say this with respect and I here's You know, I'm gonna I'm gonna frame my statement A lot of times I've uh, you know, I've talked to people who aren't white and they said they have a hard time

Try seeing the difference between certain like especially like um Like if a white person a younger white if I land boy If you want to buy liquor you want to go to the store that has someone who's not white because it's like It's harder from the gauge how old if you're not white It's like you're not fucking 20. Like you can't really tell as good It's like your things off And then you know, I've talked to a lot of people who aren't white I've been like, you know, I have a hard time telling white people a part and I've totally do like that's fair

That's a fair assessment So I say all that to say this when I watch squig games and they all come out in a crowd I get my eyes start getting all like you become black It's like dude, it's like going into a dark room out of the sun. Oh, I need a minute I need the three or four episodes real quick If you ever see ea sports, do you ever see like when you play like mba2k and like the crowds like it's like four people But there's a thousand They all emerge into the playing fields. I always start going like yeah, because I'm I'm like, come on matt

You're better than this and I'm like I'm getting confused dude I know the four of the main characters and I can't look at one asian person at a time I see all of them at once it's fucked up And I don't I don't say this with glee it's something I'm working on I watch squig games like matt come on dude. I need you to distinguish every single person and they call come out I'm like, huh getting dizzy. It's hard. Yeah, it's hard Yeah, it's when the whole when the whole when you're watching a real-time scene

You're like, is this a flashback from a different character? Is this the same person? What is He puts on like migraine glasses that are actually just those those trick aging glasses Because I see like the five main characters and then all of a sudden the rest of people come out and I I'm just going like come on Man, you're better than this and I'm just like, oh no, I already saw that guy and I'm like, no, what the hell And I'm like, no, he's over here and I see him again. It's dude. It's crazy But you know, I don't say again. I'm not saying that any other different race or just asian people I don't say No, I don't know. Honestly. I've never had like a do you ever go to like a family party on your wife's side?

No, I'm pretty I'm pretty good with that. I'm because it's just I've never had I've never had like a such a crowd emerge like that to where I'm trying And I'm like, you know, I'm obviously like working on myself So I'm like, all right, Matt, you're going to tell you're going to see each individual person and not get confused at all And I just start going My eyes started getting googly on me. So, you know, did have you go in the IMDb? I'm pisses. I'm like fucking shit. Matt. Did you go to IMDb to look up all their individual names? Yes, I did just honor them. I want to I need to know every single cast

I get the same one with the names to him like these names are different Actually a lot of similar names in korea in korean There's a lot of a lot of sim names. Yeah kim is like a common surname. It's like a smith Equivalent, but yeah, I hold my wife's hand. I'm like, please. Please imbue me. I tell him like, please imbue me with your powers, dude Please She's you know, she's she's like, I'm actually kind of having a hard time Yeah, we play that game. Do people ask me all the time. Would you rather have The ability to fly power of invisibility or tell Asian people apart and I say tell Asian people apart every single time, dude

That's how serious I am about it. That's how that's how much I would try to grow I would forego human flight to be able to Tell 400 Asian people just yeah and be like, yep. I remember names. Yeah, everything. Yeah, I'm dude I'm tell I gave it a good f a solid effort, dude of ally them and I'm watching I'm just like here you go And it was just dude. My eyes are just like I was so fucking confused. It's so funny. That's why white people's eyes are so wide compared to theirs because every time you see a group of them You didn't have to take it there. You didn't have to take it there

Although I do celebrate all of our differences. So I appreciate you Tim's a round island boy It is you can't hold him back, dude It is funny. Yeah, it's funny. Like you can't mention that. It's like, man, something deal. It's just Dude about I would say Last spring I go and get a massage like once a month and it's dude Can you at least have waited till we talked about something else before diving? No, well, this is the record relation I was gonna talk about one other thing. You could have brought massage. I I tip two separate women because I wasn't sure who my lady was

Was this a professional massage? Yeah, it was there was no funny business But uh Very good place taiji acu care. They um, it's a great massage, but I was at the front of the trick in the book, dude They got you But at this place, I don't know if they do this other places, but they stand at the register while it happened When did you say like are you just covering your like? I don't know which one of you guys massage me Here you go or I didn't know because I had I was going to give 20 dollars And I had two tens and I truly did not know because one was my masseuse and one was waiting for her client

And it's the male madam. Whatever his title is is the one that rings you up. Yeah. Yeah The sir is ringing me up and I there was a male madam there Yeah, he's the guy that runs it like he has I guess he speaks the best english So he handles all the phone transactions handles all the financial trend transactions too. Gotcha. So that place is probably running tight Yo, yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, and it's all it's all above board. Yeah, it's great. You can just walk in there And it's never asked for a hand job I have not no Okay

Although the place that I took you two to get a massage once they got kind of funny once not that I had asked for But the lady well the lady I was getting massaged my underwear or I laid on the table in my underwear She's like, no, you take it off So that's fair. That's that's that's fair. But dude it didn't end there as I yeah At this place I got massaged in jeans with my wallet in and she didn't move the wallet away and like still massage my butt How do you get massage in jeans? What? Why do you massage in jeans? I wasn't getting on dude. First of all, it was a he like sprung it on me We were we were doing something else. He was like, let's go grab him a chair massage

And we get there. There's no chair. They'll take you into the back. I'm like, dude I was grooming I'm not fucking getting first of all the sun was out You're not gonna be fucking jerked off while I was supposed to I was just stepping out real quick to get a sandwich with Mike Don't fucking ruin my life True What places above wait, this was the place you said might be in a little bit of funny business He was all wrong. They were not above boys. First of all to jerk them a hand job is the logical end of a massage

That's the point of a massage is to like build yourself up to a hand job The massage is good for you, but you like I I have a feeling if you don't get a hand job after massage You might also have a heart attack That's a serious rev you can't just fucking punch the gas dude That's what they ask when you come to the ER if you're like, all right There's your arm hurt. You have chest pains and did you jerk off after you got a massage today? Or they should have a room or at least like excuse like set you up. Yeah. Yeah in a term They are like, you know, we're married men

So they should set us up and then be like take it from here, bro Like literally get you to every step of the way in the ultimate loop. You have my blessing Like I might be watching I might not be it's not a big deal. It's not on you Just bounce that around your head and you know, take care of yourself. Just and just do the logical end of this massage Like I'm gonna FaceTime your wife, you know, that's what they call that's why they call it a logical end. That's a logical ending Yeah, that'd be pretty tight I'm gonna whisper through the crack of the door. You know, well, do they have that when you go? You know when you go floating they have like that transition room

Where you sit in and you get rehydrated and you listen to the music and you sit in the chair Yep, that would be the space for it true That's actually a good idea Go to the transit now. I need to I need to crank it out then and there the transition room will be cool But could I work myself up on the walk? Didn't you didn't you almost hands-free in a float tank one time? Yes. Yeah, how'd that go? Dude, it was crazy. I was just I was I'm gonna get back into floating. What the hell are you doing? I'm kidding. I almost uh, I almost hands-free'd yeah, because it was like the water was bobbing up and down

And I just started getting hard, dude And it was felt kind of good and I was in a deep space and you know I felt like I encountered an entity and he's fucking the surface of the water I mean, dude, it was it was I encountered an entity It was very feminine entity Sexual energy was pretty strong and then those things started going up and down I started getting hard in the float tank. I mean, I was could have been a guy in the end. You don't know Yeah, it definitely wasn't dude astral beings don't they're very upfront about what I don't know dude astral beings show you what they choose

Dude, I think you might have been getting trade I would have taken it at that point. You know, I mean, I couldn't if I got fucking power bottom if I got Your astral being just like flipped you over like a burger Yeah, I mean that's is a possibility. Yeah You know some sort of like trans astral entity You got tricked tricked me. Yeah, you know, that's what it is. That's what it is There's worse things I can have float tanks are like truck stops for trans astral entities True but the um, yes, that is something to happen. Do you want your dick sucked or not?

Yes Yes, the um, no, I'm actually I've been very I wouldn't say I've been very chased lately on all fronts My masturbatory life has been reduced pussy too Well, yeah, you know, I've uh, I've been taking it easy on my wife. Yeah You know, well, you're getting married. You're saving yourself save myself. I'm saving myself for the big night I'm showing the sheets to the family I'm gonna go out

Just be like no A fryer you should get a fryer to like announce it to every Announce your observation. That'd be pretty sick I'm gonna I'm gonna show the sheets when you set up before, you know Back in the day it was obviously the hymen. I'm just gonna hit the load and show the I'm gonna show the ropeage to my family. He gave us a signal I will show the ropeage and I'll black I'll blacklight it up That'll be you know, they do like the break the day after brunch

It'll be I'll have that on display like right above the coffee and donuts of this the sheets hanging With like a little black light on the load to be like, dude Make it so like they got missed a little too, but like there was more but like that's that's I could say like they got to pass through it like a college football team burst them through the Like your mom mom's got to run through it Dude, that's so sick. That's how people used to get down You after the wedding the guy would you would just be all hanging out and they would be smashing and they'd be like Yep, that was how tore that pussy up. Here's proof. That was how they invented high fives

True That's absolutely that's 100% true That's an absolute involuntary response. You're waiting Dude, oh my god, that's crazy. People used to really fucking not have sex For a long time. I think I feel like everybody just lied. You think so. Yeah, I don't think I don't know dude That sheet trick dude that would fuck you up if you were a girl Your whole family and the sheets you don't see that dude And it's a fucking it's a motherfucker for both because the dude might not have popped the chair

That's possible too. She tries to spill a little Kool-Aid on it They're had to you you are probably right your grandmother if you had like a slut grandmom She'd probably hit you. She'd probably slip you a little thing So dude would just be buried like oh and you'd be fucking I always love in story in like fantasy movies and stories when there's a slut grandmother Who's like don't worry. I'll I'll break it all down for you. I think game of thrones had like 15 I was yeah, that's literally what I was thinking. Bloody grandmoms breaking it down for their whore granddaughters. Is there anything that you guys Saved like for the wedding night

My ass How do I said that it's such a low sultry toad um I mean I've recently reclaimed my virginity so I don't know man. I don't know if I really uh like you didn't like pull like a hood out Like a leather mask or something. No, I didn't no no no no no the uh, I can't think of anything I know I didn't I didn't save anything. I'm core. You know, unfortunately. I was born into a culture that doesn't value chastity and I I was fucking damn it. I was beat up goods, dude. I bet you timber. Yeah, I regret it now, obviously

Not saving yourself. I do that kind of wish I waited. I wish I'd never had sex. Yeah until I was like 25 I wish I still have never True true. It would be sick, dude. I saved myself till I was 19 Swag pretty long. That's not bad. Yeah I was 17th But you know, I wish I waited till way longer Were you consciously like holding it back or did it I was I was desperately trying to get pussy since I was like in seventh grade I was I was trying to fuck day one

My brother hit me in fifth grade with like an absolute conundrum where he was like Yo, uh, he's like, I think you're gay How's it fucking fifth grade? He's like, I think you're gay. Which brother? Tom. Yes. He goes, dude, uh, pretty sure you're gay I was like, um, not gay. He was like, no, he's like, have you ever even gotten ass? And I was like, no He's like, well, you're not not gay and I was just like Fuck dude, literally there was a 10 day period where I was like, I fucking might be gay. I was like, fuck Dude, that's probably when those astral demons found out

Fred is passing by and heard Tom talking. Dude, gay shit about you Maybe Tom probably did a an astral ceremony that tipped him off like, listen guys, that's gonna be in the tank He's in the tank, I prime the boss It is funny thinking in fifth grade of being like just dealing with that problem when you're 10 being like, am I fucking gay? You know, like, shit, dude, that would be a big setback. So embarrassing. That'd be a big setback. It's so embarrassing if I was gay Do you think every teenage boy has that like paranoia for some degree thinking like, what if people think I'm gay? Yes Maybe not now. Now it's like, hell yes, dude That's probably awesome to be gay now. Hey, dude, if you're not gay now, you're gay. Yeah

The polls have flipped classic anti-adromia, dude. Yeah, not not being gay right now is a big problem for teens being heteros. Fuck Yeah, that sucks. Yeah, you know, dude, there's like It's like wearing Wranglers being straight. It's like wearing Wranglers now. True. It's like, dude, they do make nice Wranglers though It is like the new balance of sexuality to go straight Mike over Windsor Yeah, dude, like I was uh, I it's not uncommon for me to hear like People like Gardini and nose age. They'll talk and they'll be like, yeah, I've kissed dudes before like, you know, whatever

If you're a stickler about it, they're kissing right now You guys kiss dudes and shit at parties not a big deal. Absolutely not dude. I'm telling you the kids kids I heard it's no big deal and it isn't I'm not jaming you guys You guys are practically tongue kissing trying to talk into that mic at the same time Get a paper plate between those two But yeah, the um Yeah, I've talked to multiple people who are in their mid 20s being like, yeah, I've kiss, you know I've like, you know, been on molly and kiss dudes like just stuff we do like power

Are they being like very like does that make me cooler? I don't think so. I mean, I'm just, you know, a normal guy We kiss dudes. I mean if you're doing that to get pussy That's kind of sick Damn, dude, that's pretty nasty. That's the lengths you're going to like I put I That would be the fawns now, by the way, if they made happy days now the fawns would just be like doing gay shit all the time Damn, dude Who is the fawns is uh, who was that redhead guy who directs that rich? No, rich Ron Howard, yeah, dude, they would have like had a like a they would have been like at like a

Rave and they would have done like a half-assed hand job to each other It was all in one of the episodes. I've been one of the they definitely the font dude. Do they fuck? I don't think the guys fuck yet. I think they just make out and they're like, yeah No, I'm saying back then it was like the fawns and Ron Howard did yeah, Ron Howard and that with his face um Henry Lincoln, Henry Lincoln, they definitely they back in the day. They definitely I'm pretty sure remember like the Rolling Stones. I think all like they're all those dudes all people's favorite classic rock bands Dude, you ever see them like play guitar back to back and like singing to one microphone together. They definitely all fucked

Oh, yeah, apparently Mick Jagger like and David Bowie used to fuck That's so cool. It is fun to find like an older guy and like listen have him listen like the rolling like rolling stones Like, you know, Mick Jagger was like fucking little boys and stuff and I don't know. I shouldn't say that about Mick But they did fuck little girls a lot Yeah, they fucked little girls. That's for sure a lot of them and then they were just like, you know Mick Jagger and David Bowie would be cutting a track and just start blowing each other What was that song under pressure? There you have it

But yeah, dude, um So I don't want to talk about that junk. So so what happened at this thing So he took you you went to you took him to you wanted to you know help him relax Yeah, I just took you kept the wrangler. That's straight as hell. By the way massage and some wranglers That's fine. That's pretty nasty. Yeah. So what happened a thick wallet, dude a wallet that gave me back problems I was in my pants as this woman's trying to touch my butt part of the massage was like just like moving the wallet to the other other pocket So what tipped you off that this place might have been trying to offer the full massage experience that major intended

It wasn't the time that I went with tim Probably the next time or two times later I went in with my wife and there's a back room that I'd never been in before but they led me back there They led me back there and my wife was right outside the back room I don't even remember she was getting massaged or not She might have just been waiting for me and I got down to my underwear and she's like, no you take you get you get naked So I took it off and I lay down and she instantly goes for my cheek and she's like pulling him apart. She's like, oh, that's so sore Like are you my twin? Are you able to feel what I'm feeling and no, it's not sore you dumb bitch

Imagine like walking back out to the lobby and meeting up with your wife and you're still covered in like the new roo goo It's just like You know, you get somewhere on vacation and like you just have aloe vera under your shirt all week You're walking out very like not trying to touch the material. Hey, it was all right. Let's go Could you tip all these women for me real quick? Dude? I told you I had a failed new roo before when I was a younger wild man I had a disgusting new roo. I just was like it was like it was the only new roo. I was like get off me Get off

Wait, you actually did the massage initiate or did you get in there peep the scene and bounce? Uh, I was slid upon I was slid upon I was just like It just wasn't like, you know You have one thing from the videos and it was just some lady who stunk like cigarettes He was like breathing heavy on me and I was like get off me Get off me So, yeah, I said, can I get a ride of the the cvs? I was like, no I'm leaving. I'm going home

The what what did the uh, the the gel what did that smell like? I think I blocked it out. I don't know. I genuinely don't remember it didn't smell The ambiance in terms of smell wasn't pleasant. I remember but I don't think it was the gels fault. I think it was just kind of like You know, when did you know something was afoot? I had when I pulled up She was missing one. Yeah when I walked directly from the parking lot into the door of the motel room I was like this place seems a little seedy You gotta come in those balls for me, sir

It is crazy when you get possessed by coming what happens when I was a young man. I was possessed by coming Oh, you're a demon. Oh, it's insane. It's the worst dude. It's the fucking worst stuff Dude, that's actually pretty impressive that you pulled the eject on a new roux. I wouldn't have been able to do that You say that you if you encounter this one, it was fucking rugged, dude Man, I get so even now like I'm 42. I get so compass like when I'm in the midst of a composition And now I'm like looking at my phone. I'll talk to the phone Dude that's I I used to be compass as well. I I don't know how I've broken it and it's I'm worried your virginity I reclaim my virginity for sure. My one of my biggest fears is that my composition is going to resurface this ugly head

I don't think it will. Hmm. It's like alcoholism. It's always there. Like they're exactly steps to keep it buried It is there, but I'm always like are you worried about being murdered on your wedding night? That's a classic move. No That's like the that's like the ultimate lady move like the ultimate dude move is like, what am I saving for this, right? What's you know to show them the sheets being the ultimate for a woman is to murder her husband on the wedding or have him murdered I think they like to do it with like a little poison needle and it's like, oh, yeah Sorry, I I think monthly she like looks over my sleeping body with a dagger and it's like No

I couldn't do it Do you think most ladies like have murderous thoughts? Yes. Um 100% that's all women think about is murder Murder and betrayal. I would say 98 of their thoughts. I fucking hate and they get horny for it I agree with that And then the other 2% is them imagining themselves on like breezy villa grotto like balconies outside Unlike princess poster beds They're like a thin sheet and just like just after they betrayed you I feel like you have a camera into my my wife's brain

It's crazy how elaborate their imaginations can get but then it's like if you try to send them to the dmv by themselves It's like How what do I what paper do I fill out? Dude, how could I ever figure that out? I had like a week ago. It's because all there is just all dude They have a screensaver When they're not attacking you personally on something their mind freezes and just an image of like them being held by like a Muscle down Matt two weeks ago my wife was watching under the tusken sun and she's like there's she's like uh, what is that?

It's like it's like the rom-com hall of fame movie. Gotcha. Gotcha. And at one point she's like, uh, do you think we could ever move the Tuscany? It's like, I can't afford sneakers you dumb bitch No, we're not ever gonna fucking tusken But it was a serious question too, there's no like like what man would it be nice to live there? Yeah, it's like in their mind in that moment and same thing too like she'll be reading these fucking James Patterson books and when I catch her reading one of those it's like, all right. Well the next week I'm going to be accused of cheating having multiple affairs and I'm the high chance of being murdered right now Whereas like if I watch goonies like there's no point that I think like the fucking fratellis are after me

Yeah, dude, it's uh I've I've I constantly uh I'll confront britney on her girl porn intake like the certain show she watches. I'm like, this is pornography I'm like, you can watch this but understand this is like me down here watching like gape Like triple x gape stuff. It's like no dude will ever behave that way. This is pornographic. This is emotional pornography Do you ever try to trigger and putting something like healthy for her? All the time healthy programming. Yeah, dude. I try to make her watch healthy programming all the time It's like probably like pull down a dog's throat

You ever watch a cool movie with your wife and then like there's like a graphic sex scene and they're like, okay I don't need to see all this You should do the same thing with her when she's watching like love island and like a dude It's just like having abs and being like, yeah, it's like, oh, I'm not really sure we're making a connection. Are we like I can't even look at this dude. This is dude. You ever see love Sex slash love it's on netflix. It's fucking porn dude. Cool. It's pornography. No, this is crap Dude, there's the first I like walked in and some lady was getting fingered. I was like, what the fuck are you watching? Turn this crap off sex life. Yeah

Sex slash life It's like if it's like a 50 shades of gray level dude. I was telling her I'm like, this is softcore pornography She's like, no, it's not we we should see if we can make like the ultimate chick film Have just like have dudes saying all your thoughts are valid, babe. Oh, yeah Your thoughts are so valid. I want to kill you. Like it's just weird to hide your body I've never got a boner for a woman's intelligence and I feel like you're giving that to me Like you should start your own product line. You'd be just as successful as Kim Kardashian She's actually they're like saying things that we'd be like, wow

I feel like someone who would even enjoy what we're doing would be like a really smart and intelligent woman. Yeah, but In order to but he'd have to be in a relationship And he'd have to be like, I'm not the type of guy who cheats But you're just pulling me out of this because you're so much better than this girl I'm with on every level. I can't believe you're such a more successful woman than she is. Yeah on every business lady Oh god, like I just subtracted to your business acumen But I also I just I'm so because my other wife died

They love when dudes are like and my wife died and left me with these kids Ever since you became a rodent of fields millionaire Ever since your fucking craft company of bracelets took off You came to Brazil That's a girl dream dude all those people in mind. I reorganized your Pinterest for you while you're asleep Oh my god I got you a trophy to commemorate your powdered milkshake sales lady of the year It's crazy you became a CEO of Herbalife

Ah, did you ever sell Herbalife? You would at least enjoy the the intake meeting you slang Herbalife. I used to you're slang you song powder. Yeah I got out of the game though But they set it up It was like some some weird uh Dominican lady that I worked with she set me up. She's like here. Just go to here Here's the plug. She was I had queen of the south dude. I met her at a borders in springfield To buy the kid off of her, but then she made me go to like this event at the ramada Yeah, she went to the event. Yeah, it's it was at the ramada down by the Philly airport. Probably a lot of fit mommies. No

Dude, it's it's it looked like people that have been hit by trolleys Everybody there is fucked up for some unknown reason And um when they start the event I brought my my daughter with me and they asked me to have her sit outside the room. What? All right, so I had her sit outside Dude in the disclosure. Yeah, and then why they have trade secrets. I don't think you would never be groomed by a coach Um, I'm reasoning Could you actually have your teen daughter sit in my car for this, please? And then they start blasting uh, you're simply the best

And everybody there clapping like over there Wait, was it because like uh Were they worried about her getting trades? It was she like not old enough to sign an NDA I still don't know why they because at the time she was it's like nutrition 2003. She was probably four So I had my four-year-old daughter sit Inside the conference room at ramada While this like 45 minute presentation went on and they start what'd she do what'd she do? Yeah It just sat out there

Now full scope now that I think about like I'm not just saying this because I sound like an awful person But my my wife might have been with her. Yeah, that would make more sense because I don't think I would leave her by herself I gotta I'll verify with my wife But when they start blasting the share song Um, it's like a procession of people that sell herbal life that are also giving testimonials Just to how much weight they've lost And then afterward like the head guy comes up to me and all the other newbies and they're just like talking about like All the shit they've been able to buy with their commissions and how much money we could buy

And then I had to meet the Dominican lady at borders in springfield to buy my kid I don't think what a normal job interview would be your boss just flexing like you're interviewing for like an IT job And he's just like listen, I need I need someone for windows infrastructure and it's like bro by the way I got a ps5 Throws his Kia keys across the table. He's like, yeah, you know Dude, they should do that anyway when you come in like we are the best Every jibber catch like uh, like you have on a target early enough where they're going like one two three. Yeah Yeah, that's walmart thing right they do in target too

I watch I walk past the target and watch them all do it and like like fro that kind of startled me and they're all like Fuck Probably not following like regular people see that who aren't like I might start doing that at work You should get dude now that I'm imagining I might start making dudes like clap and shit You should go like stand in a circle. You should go like tony robbins level every morning Just being like and you get you should put on the fucking headset I worked at a place where the guy every monday morning would do a monday morning sales thing Headset and come out on the floor wolf of wall street style and be like come on guys

Dude, nobody gave a fuck this whole place. Nobody cared. Yeah, they would do mass firings These fire like it would be like everybody in this board room They oh you guys should all leave like 25 people at a time. Cool. Yeah, it's pretty sick. It's high turnover But I left I was three weeks and I fucking no call no showed Oh, that's the best way to leave a job man. I never give two weeks. I gave an email dude two weeks is bullshit, dude That's not steve jobs level dude. If you give two weeks jobs will just disappear Never give a job two weeks notice. Yeah instantly if you vanish in mystery and they go Fuck yeah, that's pretty cool

I don't just cool that guy fucking rules and then come back a month later and just go What two months have passed Be like I quit a job on the fly at little caesars and I went back like two months later Just I had no money and I knew I was like fuck like I was calculating the hours that I would have had I was like I would I probably have a check for 40 bucks in that safe and I went back and they're just like no We're not giving you a check should be like prove it Prove you guys. I'm not that slick man

So you went back to caesars. I went back to little scissors to see if they had a check for me and did you buy across the rubicon? True Did you buy anything? Did you wear all right? Anyway, let me get like a small personal pass. I did not man. Nice I hated that fucking job, man. Yeah pizza places can be in my experience can be There's there's a pizza place in the neighborhood I grew up in that I always dreamed about working at it was so like hot and smelly and it looked so exciting And I love the mozzarella sticks so much I just like like as a kid I would daydream about like dude someday

I'm gonna be on that fucking griddle just chopping cheese steaks and like one mozzarella stick at a time just Dude, you're a little caesars material. You would have fitting great there Caesars. Yeah, tossing. I did enjoy spitting the pizzas. That was so much fun, man That was something I enjoyed and I'm you know, how would you say you're pretty good at it? I was great at it You it doesn't take much. I learned literally in like maybe three hours I was able to toss off Italian people can do it true fair point hard gonna be no, I appreciate you bringing that up That's very fair point. Yeah, they are pretty unskilled That's why they traditionally had a resort to a lot of murder

Violent people. Yeah, very violent people very criminally minded punch. Yeah, they are like chimps Italian people. Oh, yeah, they're like harrier chimps You ever see a counter dude in a pizza place like flirting with people's girlfriends. That's the best It kind of rules. I thought about that recently dude of like Because there are some dudes that just like you get dudes in relationships who are less like I'm a flirt And it's easy to find a dude who's a cheater who's just kind of like they just they all do the same stuff They'll be like you're looking looking good Always grabbing people's wives and shit. Yeah, take care of her. You better take care of her. It's dude

It's pulsing every Italian. It's like every Italian dude acts like R. Kelly. It's fucking R word Kelly Would you consider getting a job at a pizza place like that now? Actually, my mouth started watering when I thought about my love a little bit. Although I'm gonna work now I'm going back to London. It'll turn you off though. My my brother going in this place It was so small that it was like the counter and then the kitchen almost backed up to the counter It's stunk every time I went in and I was just like I'm addicted to this My brother worked at wings to go and he ruined him it ruined wings to go forever Dude, when you work again next to a fryer all day, you were visibly sweaty every time you went in

It was a bunch of fat people visibly sweaty Pizza was probably so good As a best Montreal stick probably on earth. Yeah, dude, you want you definitely want a fat like a fatter person Lording over a grease pit. Yeah, I wouldn't trust seasoning it with their fucking literal sweat Oh, dude, it's coming right back out right in the we should make a stop after this. Let's go back to I would do that for you True, but can I see how fat your grease person is? You hear a breathing before you see him Like the last part the last guy died last week like damn that pizza is probably so good up until the end dude

Yeah, right at the end. Oh ultimate when he was like just when all his arteries were clogged. Yeah, that's the ultimate delicacy That's an Italian delicacy is like day before you die fat pizza man pizza What's like what was that thing in the in like a french cuisine when you like drown the pigeon and like put your Yeah, you have to eat under a towel to hide from god. Yeah, dude. Jesus Yeah, leave the bones of like the fat grill man Yeah, working in a place like that does change you so it's like the fog of war sets in within a couple weeks Yeah, I'm telling you it takes away all the magic when you're around a greet like a fryer and you start like You know, see like just the nasty how much like bugs and shit

Dude, honestly, I feel like little Caesars is what made me racist really working there because There used to be a bus stop right outside of there And it would close at like 9 30 or something and my buddy ran the place So he would make he made me the assistant manager pretty quickly just because I wasn't an absolute retard. Yeah And I would close by myself and at the bus stop at that time

There would be like just full of minorities and they would come in and ask for free soda all the time And I was too much of a pussy to say no But it became so overwhelming that I was getting done later and later because all these minorities were coming and asking me for free Dr. Pepper And that's what I felt actual actual hate toward minorities Oh My god, dude So I think about it for you judge a racist an entire black neighborhood thought they had a cheat code for a little

See like there's a guy who will just give you free soda The thing is you have to go right as they're closing You gotta line out the door You know Dr. Pepper kitchen, dude So when did you finally work up the gumption and be like No, I did not dude. I quit fill me up Honestly, no, I will not fill you up anymore The syrup's low

I was getting done so late because they would all come in and I just couldn't say no to these people So I would get everybody a free cup of soda and there would there would be No less than 10 people getting free sodas and when I'm shutting all the shit down by myself like that's that's like an extra Like 20 minutes where I'm putting giving them cups And so I was gonna press no ice. Did anyone have the gumption to make no ice? No, nobody did I might have let an n-bomb fly at that point But it was getting later and later and that was a major contributor to me just like a turn back time But if you had been like sorry guys

No free sodas It wouldn't have even occurred to me to say that I was that big of a fucking pussy and it just slowly built of just that there was a guy socked His wife out front of the store one time and I had my buddy hoff who was a delivery driver as soon as I saw him sock Socked the lady everybody's like, oh my god, and I said hoff go lock that door I'm just so scared that the man will come in and turn it on me free soda, dude Like man, I'm fucking I'm sorry Let's give her hell dude

She was roping dope at me, dude. I need to quench my thirst within 32 ounce dr. Pepper, dude People there does a bay in their thirst, dude It was a voice dude that was a voice to fucking god being like Yes Yes, father Well, it's fair. I mean, that's you know, I appreciate the honesty of coming in and being like, you know He created bad feelings to get just I mean, you probably must have gotten some pretty sick compliments though

These people weren't very nice. Really? Yeah, it was maybe a thank you like here and there or like an exclamation of excitement more than any like compliment or anything like that but But it was bad and I'm glad that's not there anymore What do you ever think is begrudgingly filling sodas like here Did you ever try to think of a way to like deter them without saying no Like did you ever think about learning like a sleight of hand magic trick to make them run out of the store? Then lock them out

Hoff lock that door is this your soda Damn, so you've been working back you've been on a road to perdition ever since Hey, every day. It's an honest effort, man. True So I just I just know my triggers. I just can't I just can't go to little Caesars I can't feel I can't fill up my cup of the soda dispenser. You're grabbing a soda. No, I can't you don't understand That's very funny. It is funny to slowly just fucking why are you late? I don't want to talk about it Yeah, that place was the worst. Papa John's was great though P. John's company culture is great there Company culture incredible boss everybody's great. They would always like put on more people

That's the perfect place to go to after you become racist at little Caesars. Yeah. It's like racism rehab. You got a Papa John's They retrain you like they have like a full like 20 pages in the manual like and here's what you do Someone comes in asking for free sodas. Yeah, we don't even serve them, dude Better ingredients better violent crime statistics better beats Man, that's a hoot. That's pretty funny. Um, did you work for us food before? No, just one pizza place and like a couple Like shitty restaurants, but I never did a fast. No, I never do fast food Um, no, I couldn't do it my shittiest job by far was a fucking pool company

That was my shittiest. It was a family. Did you ever work at a failing business? Yes, dude. I might be Yeah dude, this was like a a fucking like It was going downhill really quickly and uh the guy This was the I was like probably 17 His brother or someone he knew had another company and I stood. I swear to god

I'm not making this up. I'm there and the guy shows up with a Mexican dude. This is like, you know 17 years old This guy was talking about The Mexican the Mexican guy I guess he had hired as if he were a slave He's like, yo, you got to get yourself one of these Mexican motherfuckers, dude He's like, I pay this guy barely, you know, he's like, I don't really you know You don't cost much it worked a fucking ass off and the dude was just sitting there like He was like, you got to get yourself one of these guys. I remember just being like Interesting and he dude it was nuts. If he's really generous you like matter of fact go with matt

He's yours. This is all yours. I'll tell you dude. It was I remember thinking like it was pretty weird and then he would we would dig fucking uh Pools up, you know, he had a machine but you had to sit there and like clean the edges up with the shovel He would stand over the edge of the shovel and be like or edge of the pit and be like go Go go. Why is that shovel not hitting the dirt? He would just fucking dog you all day long mush You're getting mushed you would do it. He mushed us, dude He sat that's how he thought you're supposed to do as a boss stand at the top of the thing and like dig Dig it was like a fucking galley ship, dude

It was second by second fucking him just being like go go go be moving a shovel Were you guys like singing songs? No It was me and a dude, um Uh, this one guy the one guy he was actively trying to fire So every day he would flip the dumpster over and make him pick it up to try to get him to quit So he didn't have to pay him on employment It was fucked up and he had the guy the salesman his jacuzzi salesman had a vicious stutter So you've you've gone there you make jacuzzi's a tough word when you have a stutter

He was it was it was the worst Practically sells itself It was little i'm not lying. It was that bad So he had a stutter and jacuzzi salesman and you know, he had one employee He didn't like very much the other guy who was his main man for the maintenance was fucking uh, the main maintenance guy Had gotten he like his company fell apart because he like got into meth by accident Fought it was coke stayed up a couple days, you know His business failed. So he was a pretty he was actually he was really good at working. But that was uh

That guy would come home I would do maintenance with this guy and he would just like he would the guy had no idea what he was doing Or like the dude who hired us So the maintenance guy was pretty smart He would get all his jobs done in like two hours So we played tiger woods on playstation and we was like smoke weed But apparently he to the other guy who they were trying to fire He like would do weird sexual shit where he'd come out like and like in his underwear and like show his ass to him

Pretty weird And he asked me I saw the guy we met years later He's like never show you his fucking ass and I was like no, dude. He's like bro. He brought me in his apartment like showed Showed me his ass He's got him just fucking around bro. I was kidding. Cool. That's cool Yeah, this was easily the worst place ever that was the guy with the stutter No, the salesman just he just chilled in the office. He didn't go out in the field Take him three three days to say I quit. Yeah

That was easily the worst job, dude The guy would just scream and then at one point he was like, yo go service pools and I was like I have no idea how to do that. He's like, you'll be fine And I'd do I just went to houses and just fucked with people's shit in their pool filters And then I went home early. I just drove home and like, dude, I don't know The guy was like, you didn't clean my fucking pool. It's like I genuinely don't know how to do that I don't know how to like get the shit I had to like hook up a vacuum to the thing and like use like like suction

It was crazy, dude. I'd look at the pool. Did you ever look at a pool filter? It's fucking terrifying, dude If you're not mechanically inclined, I would just like turn knobs and be like It does look like a fucking victorian steam machine. If you're not, it's crazy, dude Valves and shit worst place ever were you picture? I picture you as somebody who would take off a shirt and get in the pool to check it out I fell in a pool one time. The dude fucking complained too. I was overwhelmed. I didn't know what I was doing I bent down to like adjust something. I fucking fell in and the dude accused me of trying to cool down

I was like, dude, I wasn't trying to cool down. I genuinely lost my balance and now I'm drenched head I think it back to the truck and wet jeans He called he called and he was like, dude, one of your guys and my boss was like, you had to cool down I was like, I didn't fucking cool down. He took a dip. I slipped Dude, imagine how good of a jacuzzi salesman you'd be right now, though You'd probably be the best that ever hit it. Oh my god, dude Thank you for googling pools so we can have a better understanding of what matt's talking about I try to tell him, bro. Knock that off

That's what the homeowner took of matt getting in the pool Dude, it was a pure like Fall in I was on my knees unscrewing something on the side and I just I was fucking I was like stressed out of my mind, dude I was a 17 year old driving around a pool truck trying to like Fix shit matt. Do you remember what thought you had as you were under water coming to the surface? I always kind of like that. That feels good. I remember thinking like fuck. Yeah, this feels pretty good Yeah, dude, I got my ass chewed out for that

Sock dude was the worst and then it just completely Went into ruins pool company fell apart. You didn't give me my last check Dude, I you know, I bet you something that had more to do with that than you just falling in the pool was you are The ultimate pool boy and his wife probably said something I'm never gonna dude this guy I mean this guy clash this guy had a mural of himself on the wall of his pool and it said buzz man's paradise Fucking hated this guy, dude. He was like fireworks in his fucking pool. It sounds like a fight club situation I was in buzz man's paradise, dude. It was dude. He would leave candy jellies out and I would eat them out of spite

I would just be like Let's eat like four orange slices and get in the truck and leave like fireworks in his pool and like fuck this guy Buzz man. He'd be like he came in Vulcan took a dip and then he didn't even take the shit out of my pool and I was just like Dude It was ridiculous. There's so much shit in there He was lighting like m80s in his pool. You ever ask him where you got buzz man from? I didn't interact how sick were his sunglasses Uh, probably pretty nasty from what I remember this dude had a nasty tiki setup

It was like this dude in like Delaware had a wicked tiki setup with a mural of himself Buzz man's paradise my my revenge plan. I used to go to places I would fail personally as an employee at like a bunch of places then concoct like revenge plans So like, you know, I would pillage cash registers the places I worked at but this you know, it's a service thing So my big revenge. I was going to go into buzz man. I would do that I was very set on this I was going to infiltrate buzz man's paradise because I knew when they weren't around and take all of his liquor out of his Bar in his outside pool. Whoa

That's some prank man. That wasn't a prank. It was man. Dude. I hated buzz man You fucking call my boss on me, dude. He accused me of cooling off. I was like, I wasn't cooling off, dude It was a sweltering day, too So my case didn't look at it. My case didn't look so good. It's pretty surprising that he'd be so willing to be such a buzz kill I mean, I did step into the that's like garden of Eden, dude I was in buzz man's paradise I jumped in fuck. I mean, it's probably pretty normal for him

To have someone fully clothed. That's like I was powered head behavior It's it was bullshit So back to the massage What happened besides that she squeezed your butt cheeks that was it and she like pulled them apart She says, oh, it's so sore. So, so how does she know your butt was sore? I don't know and like to me like I interpreted that as like Do you want to get jerked off? Like yeah, I would play around with that a little bit. Yeah, it's yeah Did she look into your asshole like a jeweler? It's like the eye of star

That is very funny. It's so sore. I think that was a vocabulary slip up. I think I think you're trying to say you're so tense You have a tense ass. Your ass is telling me you need a hand job. Did you have itchy butt that week? I did not Oh, man, that would be a great service if you can go somewhere and get a professional butt scratch when you have itchy butt hole Dude, I have canceled appointment massages because I knew my asshole wasn't clean. I have not cancelled them And yeah, that's you don't feel good Got a greasy butt. There's it. Well at the place where I mentioned where I paid the two separate ladies They do this thing where like they'll pull your underwear down like four inches so that it's like they can access the glutes

Yeah, just like so that your underwear is just above your asshole. It's a part of your body It needs to get massaged actually a very important part of your body I'm with you, dude But there's times that where I've been like, oh, fuck I pooped today Yeah, and I might not have cleaned as well as I should have and you know, I I don't want people to have to deal with that working people Sure, if you got like a race and strive up the back Yeah, I uh

I'm trying to think I I had a I had a time when I was in Chicago with Brittany and we went to a b-dubs Buffalo Wild Wings and I mistook our waitress for somebody else and they were none too pleased Uh, what ethnicity they're black ladies. Okay, and Brittany went to the bathroom and I was like, you know, I was like Man describing waitresses. Are you my wife? Help me They both had pretty elaborate like braid setups with like a different color And I and I I went to Brittany. I'm like, come on. Give me that and she was like no, dude

They don't look the same at all and I was like Well, she's pretty pissed at me right now. So you might want to get out of here. You want to be associated with my ilk I do maybe if they don't want people getting confused. They have different baskets on their heads She got me, you know, and again, I was I was just like dude. I was so pissed. I was like, god damn it not again Yeah, I think I'm an asshole to be fair though. I remember kind of being like, come on, man You guys One of you can have that you can't be both rocking that or just be like, yeah, that makes sense Yeah, I get I get confused all I get confused all the time. Yeah, can one of you wear a cast?

I feel so bad for you guys. I've never even had a racist thought. Oh, I'll give you some of mine You've never been suck at the fucking just filling up Mountain Dews, dude And I guess they're both for the grace of god, you know That's like filling up sodas for minorities who are holding up your time. It's like racism recharging The door sell white power battery Goddamn There's actually one I wanted to talk to you guys about So and I figured you guys, you know, I'm gonna say something. I want you guys to chip in with some entertaining banner

Maybe something inside. That'd be great. No So I was at I was at the playground. I was actually excited to talk to you guys about this I was at the playground and I saw a A young girl was on a bicycle some, you know, people some people do bullshit shit in the playground We're like, she's just pedaling around a bicycle and the other kids Somehow got their hands on like a clothesline like a fucking 25 foot length of rope And we're like playing almost like Tom Sawyer. It's not cracked the whip But they're all just running through this playground with like this long drawn out rope

And the girls on the bike dude got literally clothes lined off her bike They ran and the girls like That is fucking fat like right on her back. Cool, dude So what what I'm my question to you is have you ever seen any kind of nasty carnage with kids at playgrounds as such That was pretty for me. I was like, that was a pretty nasty carnage and I was like, damn Yeah, I you know, to me nothing I've seen like a lot of other bike shit because at a park where I used to live There was a basketball court where older kids would fuck with younger kids on bikes

And I think I just have like a thing for kids getting hurt on bikes So I guess I'd be fair to say I'm a convicted pedophile What do you think Tim? Wrap this up Now dude, I guess I think the most fucked up kid thing I saw there was a kid in my neighborhood who had a His dad built him a ramp and my wife and I were going for a walk and um He was he was riding his bike off of the ramp and he fell off of it and he landed like he hit the ground first

And that was the most fucked up thing like there was no like tricks involved Yeah, but it was just he really fucking ate it hard Did he go off the top of the ramp or try to bitch out off the side? No, he he went off the top, but I he just didn't yank his bike up I don't know what you're supposed to do with the bike, but it wasn't what he's supposed to do Trill you gotta pull up and then just hear that electric guitar going your head So he just like just drove off of a bike ramp. Yeah, he just heard a dude. You gotta catch it That's like part of catching air. Some people aren't built for the air

Catching it. What's the most air you probably call it? You think? I'm not an air catcher, man. No, I I was terrified of getting hurt Like anything I did like my mom would tell me I was gonna get hurt. Yeah, so I've never tried anything I can't recall any when I was like 15. I got soaps remember soaps. Yeah Yeah, the wheels with oh no the grinding not wheelies. Yeah soaps you can grind. I'm sorry. Healy's. Yeah, I got soaps They had a plastic plate in the middle of the foot on the bottom. So you could grind you just run and grind That's pretty cool. Yeah, would you what you grind any rails or big kid slide The edge of the big kid sliding board, dude. I mean it's

How'd you sound like a rag? Did you go from the top of the Come on, man. I went from the awning above the slide jumped down What loudest piece of metal in the world Oh Would you do like a 50 50 50? Did you like a 50 50 grind? What kind of grind would you say you dig 50 50? Yes, 50 50. I mean you can get pretty fucked up and twist one ankle around. Look at that, dude Damn that guy's nasty as hell. Yeah Yeah soaps were sick. We had a guy had soaps in our high school and he would grind the chalkboard

That's pretty nasty. Yeah. Oh, dude. We would get up to some shit in school Yeah, I want to get some front step like you you're walking like into school You're like real quick busting grind across the bottom step Big deals, whatever dude, how expensive wear these curb at the bus stop How do you wax the curb? Yeah, I remember saving up For some soaps. Yeah Yeah, we need I need to get I might start waxing some curbs just around me in case anyone has some soaps on Dude, just I do there. They're 800. I get the fuck out of you. Yeah, that must be vintage

Those are like the jordan wands or whatever $800 those are high piece those are high piece soaps 175 bucks. They're all do they still do they not make soaps anymore? What the fuck why not? I don't know dude, dude just out of nowhere grinding something with I mean, there's an entire generation of like Chubby white kids that just have permanent ankle injuries Yeah, they're already fat enough that their knees were going in the middle like toward each other in the middle Now this I think I had those ones the navy blue ones with the white. Do you really so they're being made right now?

I think they're firing them back up And they're just I mean the ugliest shoe ever I mean, dude imagine imagine you're in a Sri Lanka sweatshop You're making shoes like what are these ones like you can grind shit. There's like man. Fuck me, dude Whoa Fuck man. Yeah, dude. That's dude. Those are dead kid shoes. That's what they put on you in the casket How much are those 79 bucks, dude, what size what size do they go to they got a 12 and a half There's got to be bootleg. Those are probably value-dos Yeah, getting some soaps man, that would be that would be pretty chill just to grind shit again

I don't even know the existence. I mean kids your guys's ages are too busy fucking kissing each other to get You guys could be fucking grinding you guys never soaked in your lives could be grinding but Not our type of grinding. Oh Just fucking dry humping. Have you guys ever tried like at your parties? You guys when you guys go to parties with your friends or age you guys like ever just like dry hump each other like grinding music I mean, I get it. You guys are doing what you gotta do and I don't like you know, I have absolutely no ill will I'm just curious like what's that like for you guys. Yes You guys grind the parties. No, I I was never I was ever invited to high school parties

Really? I went to a lot of high school parties last year But I never grinded on any boys never why you never whined for them or girls Really? No, I just it's chill. No, you you you look like you were definitely hot in eighth grade. I got a dry hand job in the bathroom Boys room or girls room Sears the family bathroom is a household. So there's no gen it was a all gender bathroom. Nice No, what's up? Why didn't you go to parties in high school? What the hell?

I wasn't I wasn't invited to them. Why what the hell were you bad? No, I just didn't have many friends That's it. I went to one one time Girls like just like fingering herself on the couch just in front of everybody. It was insane It really blew my mind and like no one was acknowledging it like serious like it was crazy Like no one was acknowledging it I was just kind of like walking around and then I looked and she was just like on the couch like fingering herself And I was like is anybody else like seeing what's happening right now? But like no one was around dude imagine how vicious the rumors were about her

She was openly fingering herself and everyone ignored her. Bro. It was insane. It blew my mind No was going in circles on his healies That sucks too. Like you're not getting invited to parties. You get a one. You're just saying you guys know I didn't actually fuck my stepdad Yeah, that would happen there, you know, there was girls who were just I mean it's it's a I understand the moves You're in high school and you just like blow like five dudes in one night Yeah, get some clout have you pretty cool, but you get some clout. There was always girls in high school I'm like, yo, she fucked but she blew like seven dudes. Oh, yeah, we had a girl last night

The ski trip that I didn't I couldn't afford to go on but apparently in the ski trip this girl. It's a ski trip, dude She had apparently she had a bunch of dudes that's it. Let me see you dude. Let me see you hit me with it Yeah, tell a story like that Let me see it. Let me see it You want something I suck the way I do it again eat it I'm like fuck that. Yeah, we had a girl who ate a bunch of free soda dudes butts on the ski trip Yeah

Right, I hear you're saying but the the rumor is that like yeah, she ate 10 dudes But they were lined up out of her out of the hotel room door down the hallway What pretty gross legend Legend she never got she never shook it I think to this day She probably had like there's probably a good number of people that she like has to pretend don't exist because of how tortures She was she ate all the butts How does work get out? She's like, yo tell your friends, dude

It was like one day morning or whenever the next day everyone's back from the ski trip It was like everyone was like, dude, did you hear she ate 10 dudes? She came she came back with a goatee and a cleft palate It is funny on the ski trip just free soda dudes butts by the way not just 10. Yeah, well imagine though. Okay, so imagine Imagine, you know, you're a young african-american. You're on the ski trip and it's like, yo There's some lady just eating black asses. Yeah, isn't that gay though? You're on the slopes. You're just breaking. I think it's gay No, dude, not if you're with all your boys Not if you're all your boys. No, it was like black sexuality. Yeah, if you're with all the squad

Getting your buddy anything related to the butt in black sexuality is gay No, no black dude has ever fucked without bringing it bringing a friend. Oh, I I agree with that never happened But they just their their balls could be fucking Making pizzas with one another. Yeah, but as long as there's no asshole play, they're good I think was it just ass eating? She was probably blowing people and stuff There's no way she was just eating ass. Who knows those dudes are guessing for some blow jobs, dude Yeah, that's what I'm thinking. Any, you know, anyone would or you thinking about like the sixth dude She probably had a pretty good clip going, you know, I mean she's got a rhythm pretty good

Just fucking the ninth dude be like, oh fuck bitch eat my ass. Oh fuck bitch man That's a funny rumor. That's tough. I mean it was tough, dude It was tough to witness. Did she have like a recent breakup? She was trying to get back at a guy or something No, I think she was like very christian She had a very christian family. So that's probably mother tree cell for dude. She probably did that's mt, dude That's deep calcata stuff. Oh All you my children, dude, she wearing her ski boots. Just rocking back and forth in her ski boots

It's calcuma That's so funny. So yeah, what probably happened was that she probably did a little bit of rebelling Yeah got away from her christian parents for a weekend and One person that didn't like her found out about was just like 10. It was 10 bucks. She ate. She ate 10 bucks She probably like kissed a guy. Yeah, and like within 48 hours. It was like dude life is over Maybe she just couldn't say no See if I get my ass eating. She was like, I don't see any way out of this. It's like pringles. Bet you can't eat just one

Maybe yeah, maybe she's like, hmm. This is just butthole little scissors. Like I said Can I have some free time coming in backwards just fucking Gosh, she's looking. She's like, that's good. I'm never gonna get out of here. Fuck. That's why I stopped eating ass, dude I'm never gonna get home I'm gonna miss my bust back Yeah, that's always uh, it's tough. That's tough What was like the rumor in your school because for us it was just a kid got they somebody started a rumor freshman year This kid rupture was jerking off and he haunted him for the next four years

Hey, where was he jerking off? They started a rumor that they caught him jerking off in the stalls because at our high school, we didn't have doors on the stalls Say what? Yeah, there were no doors on the stalls. So somebody said they walked past in this kid school at veteran stadium They removed them all it pissed troughs in the uh classrooms. Damn. So you took a dump. It was just you had a It's like pretty trust in one another. True. Yeah But yeah, they caught him fapping I don't think they I think they were just that's why I would wear a cape. I would just hold up my shit

Shit and private look over at the top two like don't look at me. I'm pooping in here There was people found out there was a bathroom in our high school. That was like I think a staff bath, but it was a solo people found I found about that like my junior year and I would hit that up and take Yeah, that's a tough one. Nice dumps, bro So I didn't like dumping I dude. I wasn't wanting to dump in public until I think I was in like late high school For that reason I never shit in grade school. I wouldn't go shit in public bathrooms when I was young. That's normal Yeah, I just was like that's turned off then it was like once I found I was liberated in high school once I started Shit in public. I remember being like I got kind of ballsy with it now. I'm back to like if I can avoid it

I will yeah, I got you know, I've gotten into Uh, I I I vietnamese shit in public bathrooms. I stand on the seat squatting over Do you really I do this in porta-potties a lot too actually porta-potties I think are wise to it if you notice next to the toilet seat in porta-potties is like slow down It's like the homeless like spikes so that they can't sleep Yeah, that's it. You'll I hop I hop up on the seat and hover over Like that. What do you hold on to like the the pipe where this is perfect pistol squat form, dude

Yeah, it's like he's posing for like hold on. Look at this. You think I need to hold on to something True and you're on wheels too on a pivot. Look at this. You understand me. Yeah, I get you question me again And and you will you know, that's nice too because when you're apparently that's a squatty potty when you put your feet up It like releases some sort of muscle that it lets you just drop. It's like a natural popper There's a squatty potty. I've used one at tommy popes house. Dude. I'm telling you I can't I I'm pissed if I have to shit without My yeah, I can't go back to not have I've got the sega cd 32x setup I've got the squatty potty with the high-end bidet the bidet is crazy. I ever have to use an away bathroom It's like I put like war paint on my face and shit like all right time to get back

Yeah, dude, it's the bidet. I I'll my billy has a bidet. I'll just clean my ass I'll just stop at a bidet and it's you never know if you're getting a massage or something. True. I'll clean it True. It's freshen up before I go back But yeah, that's my hot tip, dude Stand on the dirty toilet seat with your sneakers on but you put yourself at risk of splash back No, you know, you know what the trick for splash back stand up as you drop a layer of toilet paper on the surface of the water Dude, come on, man. Yeah, I've gotten splash back from a port-a-potty and it's haunted me, dude I've had the blue blue the blue liquid is no

Just a potion of just like construction worker dumps. I had that shoot up my butt. That's like a bank robbery die pack It's probably why I didn't get covered stank robbery. I'm telling you man. I think that's why I didn't get covid Yeah, because you got the uh, the blue liquid, dude. Yeah, dude. I have like 19 countries fucking Just up it probably went up my into my like stomach lining. It's awesome Oh, it splashed your hole hit my hole, bro I got it on like cap stick. That's true splash back. Did you hit it? It hits your hole So, yeah, that's how you that's how you zero your butthole. You have to splash directly back in it If it's off, you got to like adjust the cup. It's like signing a scope on your gun. I got recalibrated

That blue liquid hits you bro. It's a bad feeling Oh, man, where are we at? Timeless All right, let's wrap it up and go to the patreon. Let's do baby start to enter. Yeah, I don't want to answer abruptly But yeah, let's go on the page Also, what do you guys what do you guys just want to do? Anything you want to tell people? Oh, yeah, um, check out Our podcast dad meet if your fat get retard. I think you'll find what you need there and also check out my new podcast with del hollow and jake metara little stinkers

Uh, it's mostly serial killers, but it's anybody who does fucked up shit who also happens to be very funny. Nice swag Yeah, just check out that me. Yeah, check that out. Yeah, check out at tim's twitch channel, too. Yes Oh, yeah, farming on twitch twitch.tv slash tim butterly. It's just a nice time on sunday mornings Couple weekends here and there but heard that just take care of people. Yeah, I don't have anything right now I'm i'm i'm in negotiations of a small little string of shows Oh, oh good. Once I get them, uh, we got more solo casts. Are you gonna do more solo? I'm still doing them I started an actual uh, uh, dude, I swear. I got I think I have type 2 bipolar dude

I started it in a good way, but I started a I had the idea. I was doing a solo cast I'm like, I should do a book club And like a fit of just glee and I'm still gonna do it I signed myself up to do a book club the first book 700 pages. I'm like, I'm a fucking I woke up three days later I'm like, I'm such a dumbass And it's like it's like super complex like ideas I've read the intro like four times dude. It's confusing me But I think I'm gonna start my solo cab the thing I do on patreon. It's just a solo

It's just gonna be I think I'm gonna Mix a bunch of different stuff in there, but part of it's gonna be whatever book I'm reading I'm gonna take notes and give you you know blinkest No, blinkest is an app where you can kind of do like you can listen to like the gist of a book But it's kind of dry, you know, so I'm gonna try to read books take notes and be able to give like a Very short and summary so you can just absorb the knowledge of books You should think about doing these live from buzz man's hideaway, bro I'm gonna fuck buzz man's probably that buzz man probably I don't think buzz man survived 2020. Oh, no

No, he's hunkered down in paradise dude. This guy he had the orange jellies out all the time He had a tiki bar. He was a jerk Yeah, they don't die. I don't think yeah, true. He's probably step motherfucker. It's probably still alive But yeah, but um, yeah, so yeah, go on the patreon go on your as patreon Or don't do it every word don't I don't care, but you know, I just feel obliged from a business sense to enter some stuff in here right now, so also check out um I'm trying to think of other businesses. I don't know. I think Papa John's that's a good one pj's

I think there's some decent sales right now. Some company was having a sale. I forget what it is Black Friday starting really this year. Hmm. Really? Yeah, you're already I mean probably in the next week or two you're gonna start seeing deals Oh, I will say this I do want to plug this. I haven't gotten it yet, but and it you know, I've no financial stake Original sebsi. That's my Moroccan ceremonial hash pipe. It's in the mail Guy was an absolute fucking gem to deal with so wow I would like that guy to get very get a lot of sebsi orders Sebsi it's it's like a look up a sebsi. Yeah, there it is dude. Oh, that's neat Yeah, man, I have like a foot long hash pipe. It's in the mail right now every day. It doesn't come. I'm so pissed

That's a classic feeling That's the that was the original edging before before you got into like come edging. It was like waiting for Something like the one time a year like your parents would order. Oh, yeah, dude Sebsi bro, mine looks way better than that But yes, it's a dude. It's so sick All right, well, thank you guys. We're going on the page. See you guys