Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 370 - Gladiator

Episode Date: November 12, 2021

Yo0o00o00ooo. What we do in life echoes in eternity.  After long weekend in H-Town the D.A.W.G.Z. have returned home for some good, old-fashioned casting. Topix include fat Nuns, gladiator, the weekend's rumpus, and more. Enjoy. Support the D.A.W.G.Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod

Yes, dude. Yes. Yes. Wow, man. It's good to be here. Sorry for my little horse. Oh, yeah. That was hollering. What were you hollering? Carrying on.

Carrying on. I've never seen you carry on like that. I was carrying on. Man, it was crowd surfing. Dude, that was... Skankfest was fun. Skankfest was fun. That was a lot of fun.

It was maybe too much fun. I had too much fun. I'll be honest with you. I had the perfect amount of fun. You did. Well, you tend to... I took it easy. Yeah.

I took it easy. You're a T-toddler. I try to alter my states when I'm in, like, more of a therapeutic setting. I know. It's not an attack, dude. I know you hate that. What? The way I alter my states in a strictly spiritual context.

What the hell are you talking about? Why do I hate that? That was an attack. No, no. You're always on the... What was my impression? Breeding high is different. I don't know.

I'm not attacking. I'm just... I'm trying to make you as comfortable as possible. Okay. What the fuck, dude? We're sitting here hanging out. I know. You had this fucking attack in your back pocket this whole time.

It wasn't even an attack. We're watching Gladiator together? It was great. You have a secret attack. You knew that. No, it wasn't a secret attack, dude. You might be the son, dude. I'm definitely Maximus.

Don't hug me. Don't hug me, dude. I will squeeze you to death. Yes. You're in a very deep therapeutic state. I escaped this. No, I wasn't. That's what I'm saying.

I avoided it. Oh, nice. Well, you called me a T-toddler, which is kind of a... Is that a nice thing? No, dude. T-toddler is someone who takes a bridey to the point where there's like very... Oh, a cunt. Oh, never mind.

Although, I think it's... I thought it was somebody who... No, I'm mistaken. Kind of T-toddler's a line? I fucked that up. I could be wrong. I could just squeeze you right now. No, I think you're right.

I think T-toddler's weird. I could just be squeezing you. You could never squeeze my head to death. Dude, if you were 80, I could squeeze you to death. If I'm right now... I'll never be 80. I wish. Do you know which my grandfather was still alive?

I'll literally never be 80. I'll squeeze him, dude. If my grandpa was still alive, yeah. I would squeeze him. I have a hard time seeing old people not just being like, yeah, come here. I used to go to the nunnery when I was little, dude. I thought about squeezing a couple of them. The nuns.

Dude, I could have two at a time. You could easily. Systematic. And just the whole time, he'd be like... Oh, the noises. Dude. It wouldn't be that. It'd be guttural.

It'd be like... Yeah, it would have been. It'd be like, oh my God. It's like quietly going. That was also pretty fun. You could get into the nunnery and do that. Yeah, these nuns. You could get in and squeeze everyone one by one.

You could volunteer with a acoustic guitar. Although there could be the boss nun, which is the young bull. The young bull dyke. That would get you. True. That's not an appropriate thing to call them. True. I know what you're talking about.

The young bull, yeah. There's a big one in there waiting. Yeah. Although a lot of the younger ones are petite and beautiful. We had some big dogs run around. Did you really? Yeah. They had two units.

Yeah, they tended to have large teeth and crazy eyes. A lot of the old nuns had like... They looked like the... You know Beezer's new poster he's putting out for the... They look like the motorcycle like Harley-Davidson Skeletons. They really do. They were scary. We had one that was very nice and I like her, but they used to call her John Madden.

She was huge. She might have been 6'2". She might have been 6'2". And then during her class, people would be like, boom! Like they would do John Madden things. She had no idea. No. Imagine if they just gamed the whole time.

Well, it was all just because they were... I'd be sick. I'd become a nun. Yeah, it'd be awesome. I'm not far from being a big, big unit nun. Would they take a trans, do you think? A trans male to... Yeah, I mean, the nunnery was just lesbians.

They were just Catholic lesbians. True. They all had like partners. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah, I didn't know. Just in a small community, everybody was like, you can't be gay. You were a nun.

You were a nun. Girl gayness until you're done with it. That must be a nice day. You're like, I don't think I'm... I kind of envy that life. You just go to high school sporting events every year for 50 straight years. You're like, nice. It's basketball season.

Can't wait. Nice. It's football season. The shit rules. Damn, you're outside watching the states. You have a blanket over your lap. Oh, blanket. You get a hot cocoa.

Being a fucking giant lesbian at a Catholic school, it kind of fucking rules. I mean, giant lesbians. They don't need to. Yeah, but dude, you're so good at geometry by you're like 25. You're like, you'd ask me anything. I know every single. I know how squares and triangles work. Every few years, you get to taste box secretly.

True. Yeah. Probably on Christmas time, I would say. What a nice treat that must have been to taste box. A little bit of wine, dude. A little bit of wine. A little wine. You're at the party.

Can you believe you won states? Can you believe it? I mean, it's double A, but that's still pretty good. How's modern American history going? And the box must taste so nice after not tasting box. You've been depriving yourself for so long. And finally, you get the sweet nectar of box. You wake up, dude.

Yeah. I mean, no one's policing. Like priests come under fire because they're controlling all the money. If I get a whole parish as a nun, you can probably munch away pretty much in peace. You can munch box. Yeah. I think the letter slide. Yeah.

As a priest sucking dick is much more grave sin. Or getting, yeah, that getting posted. A lot of those dudes have girlfriends. Really? Yeah, dude. They must be cool. I actually like those priests. They're pretty.

They are actually pretty cool. Yeah. Yeah. My, uh, my bro was working. Spudman was working. I mean, how many confessions can you take before you try to fuck? If a lady came in and confessed to some wild shit, I'd be like, Mashed up against the screen.

Hey, Slided it open. What? Did I get an image of you? Yeah. Yeah, man. I mean, that's, uh, how long do you think you would last if you were just to completely forget the world and then have to like just, I guess, priest around before you just got

into like some crazy shit. Uh, Completely forego all of your strivings and just like, I'm going to sit here. I'm going to, If I, Obviously you're a man of God. If I tomorrow became a priest. Yeah.

How long? Before I got fucking shit house at the fucking monastery or whatever. It'd be so fast. Those dudes booze too. Some of them boozed. Yeah, dude. Yeah. Father Flynn.

Dude, I didn't know what alcohol smelled like. Like, you know when it comes off of people's pores? Yeah. He just smelled like that. And later on I was like, oh dude, that guy was a big time out. Yeah. He was a nice dude. He was a nice dude.

That's forgivable too. If you're a priest, you're sitting there. You just got to get hammered nightly. Oh yeah. And then you get to go to the high school football games. You get to be a priest. And you get to give a fucking pump up prayer. You ever have that?

I'd have to get a couple in me for that. We had a priest give us pump up prayers. I've seen them do it, yeah. They're like, our lady of victory, pray for us. They'd give you like a biblical thing about smiting your enemies. Jesus Christ. Before the big game in the locker room. Oh.

Pretty tight. That would fire me up. Nobody's awake. Just a shit house priest being like, dude, fucking send these motherfuckers to hell. And you're on Pornhub later that night. You're like, I'm not perfect. Dude, I'm not perfect. Yeah.

It's a crazy life, man, especially the dudes who are doing it seriously. Dude, the guys who are on like a pure thing of like, I'm going to completely get salvation for my soul. Fuck. That's hard. There's a retarded kid. Huh? There's a retarded kid.

All right. On this couch. Oh, God. There's a retarded kid from my high school named Doug who is like all in on priesthood. Like he was like, once I graduate, I'm becoming a priest and I'm going to be the fucking man. Did he? Then he did. Oh, nice.

Yeah. It's good. Why's he retarded? Because he's actually like a retarded man. Oh, really? I don't know. I think he kind of like his pretend priesting and they kind of. Damn.

That'd be nice to get confession from a retarded guy. It's like, I'm going to need you to sing three baby sharks. Fire department's probably relieved. They're like, God. What do you mean? Our roster's full. Oh, yeah. He's a volunteer firefighter.

It's crazy when retarded guys opt to the priesthood, dude. Otherwise, just sit with a Dalmatian all day. He's a big firefighter. The firefighter's like, God damn, thank God. No, they do need special needs guys to volunteer to feed the Dalmatians. For sure. That's what they do. For sure.

That's a sick gig, too. They're great boys, dude. That's a good gig. I was at a grocery store in Atlanta and their greeter was retarded. Yeah. He's the best, man. You get some dude in there who's like, oh, I'm fucking going to hit this job. This dude came in.

It was like, it was an absolutely enlivening greeting. I was just like, fuck, man. Great day for you. It was fantastic. Rather than like, I've walked through Walmart sometimes and it's just like, I swear to God, I've walked past ladies where I think if I look them in the eye, turn stone. You walk by them. They're all Walmart.

They're just staring all the way down. Yeah. They're just like staring through the cinder blocks, just thinking about their life. And you're like, all right, I'm going to just avoid this person. It's a tough one. I can't believe they still have greeters. They have them. Yeah.

They have the security detail. Funny thing to call retarded people. I used to walk by, dude, back when I would steal from Walmart when I was a checkout thief, I would do it so brazenly because I would look at them and be like, this guy is somewhere else right now. Like literally they're somewhere. They hate their job so much that they're mentally elsewhere. And now we're just like put stuff in a bag and look at them like they're not even looking.

And I'd walk past them like here's my receipt with literally one thing on it. And I had four bags. And I'd be like, here you go. They would just go, dude, I told you I went to that mentally handicapped movie theater. What? I went to it was in New York. Everybody that worked there had down syndrome. Nice.

That theater fucking rock. It's the best. They were so pumped to get you the popcorn and then be like, what movie are you going to see? Holy shit. It's the fuck. Holy shit. It's so good.

Yeah, dude, they're absolute angels, bro. Absolute angels. Some of that Skankfest COVID I have. I think I had it two weeks ago after my wedding, but my body, you know, I've recovered from it. I think I actually probably did because at Rogues, I got that antibody test and they said, you've come in contact with it recently. My body said, nah, yeah, dude, it's hot.

I'm telling you, hot bath and eat spicy food. And it goes away. And that's my, that's what I do for me personally. I'm obviously not a doctor, I'm not giving up medical advice. Every time that I think that I have COVID and I didn't get a test because I didn't feel like it, I would go take a hot bath and dude, it kills it every time. I would probably have some benefit. I'm telling you, dude, I think every time I feel a little sick, I just scorch.

I give myself a fever. Yeah. Kills it. I like grasping for everything other than the Vax. It's very funny to be like, I think this might work. I do it for myself. Yo, they're bringing leeches back in. They're bringing leeches back in a medical technology.

It's about time. I'm telling you, they're starting to use leeches again. That shit worked. For what? Blood shit. I don't know, bro. Look it up. I'm not a fucking doctor, dude.

I just heard. Fucking doctor. I was watching a YouTube video on Ashwagandha and they talked about how they're using leeches again. You need to get some leeches. I might. If I need them, I don't have. You don't feel good.

What was it? Look up what they're using leeches for now. Did you ever see bloodletting off of like they just cut like the vein on the side of your head? I think it works. They just put a bowl here and slice open like a temple. I think if you have an infection or something, they just let, they just like get rid of some of your blood.

That's what you feel watching. Bloodletting? That's how we die. You know how Benjamin Franklin died? They just kept cutting them. I thought he had pneumonia. And they just. They try to get rid of it with bloodletting.

Okay, dude. Okay. Well, you know, some people have adverse reactions to the vaccine, dude. Yeah, true. If you give something to everybody, obviously people are going to have bad reactions. That must have been a dark move when you accidentally bloodlet a little too hard on Big Washington. Some baby turned into a raise. Oh, big wash, dude.

Oh, shit. Oh, shit. This one's deep. You're looking at the diagram like arteries are new. Was that one of the big ones? Fuck. That was a huge one. That was one of the big ones.

He's dying of pneumonia. Which one part of the body are ghosts in? I think their stomach cut their arm. Benjamin Franklin died. They thought because he would breathe in, he was a firm believer of getting fresh air every single day. So he'd open his window no matter what time of year it was, and sit and just breathe in like air, especially in the wintertime, and he developed an abscess in his lung just from

sitting in front of the cold air and he fucking died. So they say. So they say. Yeah. What are they saying? They look, it looks like leeches can cure anything according to Google. Bro, I'm telling you, they're bringing them back. It says nervous system abnormalities, dental problems, skin diseases.

It could help save limbs in plastic surgery of incidents like bad plastic surgeries. It could help hemorrhoids. What? Whoa. Now we're talking. I know. Oh, I would love to put one of those things up my ass and have a bunch of hemorrhoids. Just suck a hemorrhoid right out of you.

Dude, Jiver, this happened to me recently. Who wrote that? American Medical Association, NIH probably. That's smart. That's why I was like, we got a lot of leeches. I can't read these. That is from the Royal College of Surgeons of England. That's from the UK.

That's good stuff. Mm hmm. That's good stuff. Dude, I had. I had some like, you know, when you have light hemmies. When was it written fucking 1308? What the fuck? I'm telling you, I brought in, I was watching a video in Ashwagandha, which I take right

now. It's Indian ginseng. It's, you know, miracle worker. And you look good. You look glowing. Thank you, bro. It lowers your cortisol. The, um, it increases your tea too.

What's cortisol? It's like stress. It's like a stress hormone. You release. Yeah, dude. Ashwagandha is a shit. Yeah. You posted that on your Instagram story about like stress destroying your brain.

I was like, I don't remember the last year. I don't remember the last two years. Burns up the hippocampus. It really does. I was reading a study. It scared me. It was saying it's like stress, experiencing negative emotions. It's like pouring hydrochloric acid on your brain.

You know, and obviously not as extreme, but it just like, those accents and dendrites just start to just unravel. Your brain starts to just melt. It's like, well, fucking this sucks. Yeah. Brain's like, let's try to not think starts to melt. FIFA. Yeah.

Yeah. People are like, shade, you gotta be like, watch it. This is your own TMZ. What? Man, you, I'm down three, two right now. That's a problem. This is a problem. I'm fine.

Dude. Tony, it's the worst. Yeah. Having problems stinks. Problems suck. You try to figure them out and you're like, I have a ton of food. I'm not ever really all that cold. Like, are they fake?

And you go, oh, fuck, I can't figure them out. Yeah, you can't figure out your problems. That's why you need to be a fucking greeter. Yeah. For sure. Yeah. If there's problems, go right out the door. You sneak some raisinettes.

Yup. Fucking. Pocketing raisinettes. There goes all your problems. They're like, oh, you're going to see Space Jam? Fuck, I wish I was in there with you. It's going to be awesome. Your manager's like, pretty slow.

Get in there and check some movies out. You're like, dude, fucking yeah. Oh, man. I wish I was a manager. They got to be like, dude, it's slow. Get in there. Get to Space Jam. Rolling.

Yeah. Dude comes into your theater. It's like, ah. It must be tough though. You pick up another wave and you're like, psst. Psst. You know, with a flashlight, you're like, try to hide. Psst.

Yo. Psst. It was a proper life long as hell. They'd be stoked on that though, too. It'd be like, dude, you get through the scooping. They'd be like, yes. It's true, dude. They keep getting fucking bad.

There's lunes. Oh, man. Fuck, dude. I forgot what the hell was I'm talking about. We're talking about leeches, talking about problems. Problems. Talk about Ashwagandha. It's out of my head.

It's gone. It's all right. Too stressed, dude. Good job on the roast. You helped me out. Thanks, man. Good job for you, dude. You wrote some good jokes.

Dude, it's my pleasure. That was very, very funny. It was a lot of fun. I liked reading jokes that were written like hacky. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. My favorite part of the roast was just saying something mean. Yeah, that was the best part.

Really lost some steam, though. Especially out of a tone of concern. No, that was very funny. All right, good. Say something in a tone of concern and just go, and that's sad. And then just next. The roast was fun. It was a lot.

I handled it a lot better than I thought I would. Yeah, it was, dude. It was fun. I thought I was going to be fuming, dude. You thought so? I thought I was going to be fuming. Yeah, no, everything was nice. Yeah, no, it was really that nasty, wasn't it?

No. And everything was funny, too. Anything I heard was like, that's hilarious. Dude, there's no naked roast. The naked roast is hot to watch. When it's not funny, it's bad and evil. Were you? I should have followed.

That was crazy, dude. Did I stay after? You left shortly after. You left right after. Yeah, I was just, to be fair, I was tired. I was just tired. Well, because now it's hard to watch. To be fair, my legs were sore.

My legs got so sore that first day. That's a lot of walking. Oh, my God. Yeah. I was standing there. I was like, I got to go home. Yeah. Yeah.

I was like, oh, this shit's fucking weird, dude. I don't know what these things are. You guys are gay. I got to go. My feet actually hurt. I was like, my legs are sore. Dude, the naked roast was rough. It's not a thing.

It was sad. The whole time, anyone I looked at or talked to would go, why are they doing this? Everybody in the whole room was like, why is anybody doing this? And then it's being like, let me see that guy's dick. Yeah, you're standing on my tippy toes in the dead. I was like, look at that dick. Yeah. I sure got on your shoulders.

I knew it all the next day. Check your dick. Flassen. I'd be like, how would I have looked on that stage? I would have looked bad. Yeah, I would have looked horrendous. I mean, I was judging those guys' penises because I was drinking and I thought I was fucking cool and tough.

Those were absolute normal penises for the situation. Oh, every time I get up here. Choose during a roast. Dude, I would get so quiet. They'd be like, look at this guy's small little dick. And I'm like, dude, I was literally just cupping it up. Oh, no. Dude, I would just reach down and be like.

I have naked roast dong right now. On stage dong too, dude. On stage dong is, I mean. I was in the comfort of my home hotel room just like checking it out and being like, dude, and then I was like, I was on stage. That one dude, that one black dude's dong. That was nice. Chilling.

I know, dude. For real, just hanging straight down. We were maybe about 50 feet away. And then the other dude came along. Yeah, the second black dude had bad genes. Oh, yes. Bad genes. He had a working man's penis.

He had a working man obese man's penis. I know. That was a problem. True. Peezer kept saying, I got a bigger cock than every black guy in Houston. Peezer. Jesus Christ. What the heck, Brian?

First of all. I'm sorry, Peezer. First of all. You put out your business like that. 50% of that lineup. There's two of the two black guys. There's no chance that Peezer's dong was bigger than the one guy. True.

The first year that was great. Well, he was tall as a hawk. He had a loincloth and it was hanging out from the bottom of it. Yeah. And then the one girl was not naked. Yeah, that's when we all left. Yeah, dude. I yelled tits a few times and that girl next to me was like, that's my friend.

I was like, I'm sorry. What were they wearing then? I was just joking. What were they wearing? She was wearing like lingerie. lingerie, yes. Ticked me off, dude. I sat through dozens of tiny dongs to see one pair of tits from 150 feet.

Bush. Yeah, I want to see thick pews. It's a big bush. I don't know if it was a bush. Having a bush? Was it a bush? I know her tits weren't. No.

No shave your bush for like two months. And it's have a strictly bush roast. But you can only talk about this person's bush. That'd be fun. That'd be fun. That is a fun thing. That'd be fun. Did Gladiator pump you up?

It did, actually. Yeah. Gladiator pumped me up. It was actually that opening scene was firing me up. Yeah, that pumped me up. It was tough to turn off Gladiator to do this podcast. It's I genuinely thought about just sending out a brief memo. That guy, sorry.

We drove up to New York. I ended up watching Gladiator. Gladiator. Gladiator. So I could turn that off. It is. Especially the scene, the part we're in in the movie is probably the sickest. Dude, that's like.

When he's down in Africa. Balling out. Yeah, because Spain. Close to the Horn. Yeah, I think he was down in Morocco. Close to the Horn. I would imagine. Yeah.

Yeah, dude. That's far from the Horn. Oh, right. The Horn's over by the Middle East. East Coast. Yeah. West Coast, gotcha. Yes.

Dude, I've been reading about the, I'm almost on that Joseph Campbell book. They talk about the bear cults back in the day. So the Japanese ones. Not just Japanese, but they did. It wasn't a bunch of different areas. Yeah. I remember you told me about those characters. Not that.

Not the Anu. Those are some wild characters. This was an, I think in Africa, they did more kind of like the feline cult type of thing, but it was the same, same idea, but like in the Germanic region, you would have in like up around there, these dudes were just like freezing. It was fucking cold as hell. It's Ice Age. I think it was the, I'm trying to get cool name, which Ice Age it was.

I forget instantly. Massotheliumic. It was the worm buzzer. Yeah. It was just something like that. The worm wise. No. The, so these guys would just be fucking freezing their dicks off and bears hibernated.

So they'd really get to a cave and be like, fuck, fuck this guy. And then they'd just look in the back of the cave. There'd be like a bear family just snoozing. Oh no. And they'd be like, sweet. So they would just, they would just carve up a bear family and they had like a walk in freezer. But they, that's why they honored the bear.

The bear was like a gift from the gods. So what they did was in all these different areas they'd find, they would excavate and find these bear skulls with like the eyes like covered up because they didn't want the bear to like, I guess, see them. Yeah. They did the same thing in Africa. When they, when you killed a panther, you had to like, took the skull and you put like bones in its eyes so you didn't get the evil eye.

So you killed a panther, you had to close your eyes and then sneak up on it to take it down. It was crazy. That probably was ineffective. But it was pretty tight. They had caves all around the world of that one thing of a bear. They would headless bear and they put the skull down and they'd cover up its eyes. It makes, this is one thing, do you ever see that show alone when they're up in Alaska?

Like naked and fray type thing? Yeah. It's kind of like that. They just drop people off in different parts of Alaska or of Canada and let them fucking try to survive and whoever survives the longest wins. Is this in the wilderness? Is this under like the tyranny of just Canadian gay bullshit? Castro's boy.

He's like, I'm trying to get no business. Get the fuck out of here. Yeah. But what I was trying to say. Castro's son. Of course he's communist. True. So they're all the remote like bees.

But they all end up like after like a month, if they kill an animal, they like worship it. Oh yeah. That's just what happens. It's just human. Yeah. It's crazy. They'll kill a rabbit and sob. Yeah, dude.

Like thank you. Yeah. Fuck. That rules. Yeah. Yeah, that's all they did. I worshipped that bowl of turkey mash and lettuce. I could have finished that whole fucking bowl, dude.

I was munching that. Dude, go to P.F. Chang's, get the lettuce wraps, bro. They're hard to put down. Yeah. Hard to stop eating. Oh my God, they're so fucking good. Dude, the gang fest fucking ruled. I'm telling you, dude, I mean, we should just become karaoke singers, dude.

That was the most fun. Dude. That was the most fun. Music is so much better than fucking gay, dude. Gay stand up. So much better. Holy shit. When we were singing Dracula and dudes were mosh pitting.

Dude. I was on stage just like, this is the best. Like I was getting chills like up there. It was crazy. It was so fun. I was electrified, dude. I couldn't keep hold of my body. Now I know I Elvis' legs are so funny, dude.

Yeah, man. I couldn't take, I couldn't control my body. Yeah. I was in a state of total happiness. I saw the videos of you. I was like beeping some butt head, dude. That's all I was doing. Yeah, I was full fucking.

Dude, I was, god damn it, that was so fun. I was so sick. I'm glad I did it because that was one thing I've always said no to. I always said no to doing the comedy jam. Yeah, yeah. Although I think the next one is Monday at the cellar. In New York. In New York.

The Libs. I don't know if they're going to take the U.M.E. singing Dracula. No, they have to. Which will be even funnier. That's Dracula. If no one james, that'll be fun. That'll be so, dude, I'll go even harder. I'll go even harder.

Yeah. We can stop and attack the audience, too. Yeah. True. What the fuck is your guy's problem? Hey, guys, stop playing it for a second. What the fuck? Or what we should do is, like, if it doesn't go well, we'll do, like, examples of, like,

positive crowd control at Lincoln Park. Like, yo, yo. Hey, man. I thought you fell. That's not cool. You got to pick up our brother. Have you seen them running all those videos of, like, this is how you really do it. It's Lincoln Park being like, whoa, whoa, whoa, dude, somebody fell.

Yeah. When someone falls, what do you do? Pick them up. There's a lot of those videos going around. Oh, fuck. I'm trying. Come on, man, dude. They're such fucking pieces of shit.

They're putting shit out of, like, here's time someone actually got it right. They are constant. Although, did you hear that the security detail at Astro World apparently, allegedly, according to... I'm fairly certain those are Greeders. The Smurfs. They aren't the best hires. Two.

The security detail at Astro World. So here's the thing, though. There was apparently... They had, like, an internal memo or some type of code that was like, yo, if somebody dies over the radio, you call them a Smurf. You don't say death, and you don't say dead, because that way they didn't want to get it picked up and have, like, make it a scene. That way you can kind of quietly squid games, like, fucking get a dead guy out of there.

Yeah, I figured somebody is going to overdose. Overdose, exactly. So they're like, someone might die here, so look, here's the deal. Dude, festivals are the bag, dude. That's the major bag. So they're going like... On the radio, just like, Smurf, holy shit, a bunch of Smurfs. And then there was another thing saying, and if there's a bomb threat, let's see if it's

real. Don't get everyone all freaked out. That's kind of makes sense. Which could be, exactly. That could be a four, like, you know, don't make people freaking out. Don't make a stampede. Bomber it! Yeah, exactly.

But they were like, let's show us the, let's see the bomb. Don't, you know, that one's understandable. Dude, that's so... I mean, at the same time, too, it's like if someone dies, like, you know, don't say like dead. Yeah. Don't be like, there's a dead guy. Say tired.

Say their legs. I don't want people taking naps. Yeah, dude. Yeah, I mean, dude, they're attacking Scott. That's BS, dude. It stinks. I don't like that. They're like, you know, like, although how do these heavy metal got...

Do people die at them? Does no one care? Like, how do people... Dude, like, a wall of death? That one dude died at Woodstock 99. Did he? Yeah, he just wanted to see Metallica. And he died?

He got smurfed. He got smurfed. He was the OG smurf, dude. Those stories from there are so sad. Every time they come out with the fucking victims of that, it's like, dude, they're like little kids. Yeah, it's terrible. A couple of best friends, dude.

It's just... The thing that's hard to not make jokes about it is because it is Astro World. I know, dude. It's... Oh, dude. You know what I mean? It's just kind of a funny thing to die at. It's crazy.

That's what's sad, you know. It's insane. It's fucking... Complete tragedy. It's an absolute tragedy, but dude, it's our culture. We laugh, you know, we laugh. We laugh in the face of death. Sick and twisted shit, dude.

We laugh in the face of death, dude. How else can we get through this? I was exactly... How else can we get through this fucked up thing called life? Dude. And how joking about it? I was... So, I'm flying back.

So, the day... I'm like, finally, dude, I'm done. Again, too, I like... Flying back from Skankfest? Skankfest. Oh, I'm so happy to get home, dude. I fly back from Skankstraw World, dude. Skankstraw World.

I'm like, bro, that was... I had a lot of fun, but again, it takes a toll on me, bro. There's so many... Like, so many... Talking to so many people, I'm like, oh, god, I can't wait to go home. And, dude, I'm sitting there. The sky walks up. Wearing this, like, wild sweatsuit.

Big dude. I'm, like, looking at him, like, where the fuck is this guy coming from? Dude, he sits right next to me and goes, McCusker? And I was like, fuck. Oh, I know. The airport was packed. Dude, the airport was packed. Dude was the man.

He's like, McCusker? I'm like, what's up, bro? And he was like, I just ate four grams of mushrooms. I went to the wrong airport. I got to the fucking... Finally got to this place. I fucking lost it and cried in the bathroom, but I think I'm good now. Oh, my god.

Dude was tripping it, because he thought he had eaten them before. So, he's like, I must have to, like, double or triple up, because, like, I think my... He goes, no, sir. They worked for the flight. That's what I'm saying. Oh, my god. So, this guy just... And then as they start kicking in, he realizes he's at the wrong airport to catch a flight.

Oh, my god. That's an Uber. And it's just, boom, boom, boom. Has to go through security. I was telling him, like, dude, you're a purple heart of mushrooms at that point. You went through airport security on 4Gs, and then he's like, you know, you worked it out in the bathroom and did what you had to do. And then what are the odds, though?

He sounded to you. Dude. That probably was, like, God is real. It was so... Dude, it was so fucking funny as we sat there. And meanwhile, I'm fucking watching videos about Fauci on my phone. Yeah, of course. I'm watching it, dude.

I'm like, I fucking hate Fauci, bro, so much. I'm trying not to. I'm trying to, like, learn about him. What am I fucking doing? Dude, what the fuck? It's wintertime, dude. I'm out of ankle socks, so I can't bunch them down. What is happening?

Although, just as gay, mine are Adidas, and so is my entire outfit. No, dude, it rules. That's astral. I like to have my shirt tucked in and my socks pulled up. Dude, what the hell? So, yeah, the dude, you know, he's sitting there, and we have the same kind of... You look like a founding father right now. What the fuck, dude?

For all the listeners at home, I opted to pull my socks all the way up to my knees underneath my jeans, and I just revealed them. Thank you, dude. Pull the jeans on. Roll the jeans, dude. Wear some nickers. Gotta make sure you get that one correct. Risking it all, bro, you're risking it all.

Yeah, dude, it was very fun. You know what those are called? Yeah. Like, what pain store you used to wear? Yeah, dude, you did it. You did it. I'll make sure. You're an absolute fucking...

I want to make sure. That's a tightrope. Yeah, dude. Yeah, like, they say to that, yeah, why do you walk the tightrope, dude? It's like, if I see two buildings, I gotta fucking walk across. I need to. I have to. There's something in me.

Yeah, dude. So he... It was really nice. He came, we were chatting it up. I was actually... At this point, I wasn't watching Fauci. I was watching the lady in charge of the CDC, admitting to not know what percentage of the CDC employees were actually vaccinated.

Nice. I was like, why does she not know that? Watching these panels are so fucking funny. So I'm trying to watch that, and he comes up, he's hitting me with this, and I'm like, well, I just gotta... We had, like, about an hour. So he was chilled, talked it up, you know, bullshit. Every now and again, I pop up my fucking stuff, and I'd learn about some stuff on YouTube.

I mean, watch this. Yeah, but hold on. Let me see exactly what's going on with why the liberals lost it to this. Oh, man. Yeah. So then, yeah. That's all I do now. I realize I have nothing to talk about anymore, because I only listen to spiritual audio books,

and then I just watch negative information about Anthony Fauci. That's good. That's all I do. That's literally all I do. Yes. I was reading the open letters from, like, 19... You're transcending. This is the next level.

I think so, bro. Last night, I got into the archived letters from, like... You're soon... You're soon going to be at drinking Bud Light's and watching The Five. That's the... That's what I've been doing. That's what I've been doing. I've been watching Guff Feld.

Dude, how can you not? I watched Guff Feld. Dude, he took shots at Stelter the other night. Did he? Yeah. You think he's listening, bro? No. He took a shot at Stelter.

What'd he say? Something about Stelter, like, loves donuts. He took a fat shot at Stelter. Damn. Two pugs. Lies, dude. They're a few. Biggie and two pugs.

They might go to West Coast. You think Stelter's a new... Guff Feld and Stelter? Guff Feld is pock, dude. I keep watching... Stelter's got to fucking tighten up his circle, dude. I keep watching videos of Stelter getting crushed. People crush Stelter.

Constantly. Stelter, man. He's got all enemies, dude. He'll take all... He'll be, like, a big... You know, like, into CNN's credit they had on this guy who didn't exactly... And it'll just be some lady who wrote a book and be like... He's like, well, who do you think's in charge...

Who do you think's responsible for all this stuff in the media? And it's like, frankly, you. And he's like, well, I don't know about that. She'll just build, like, a fantastic case against him and CNN. And he'll be like, I don't know about that. And they'll be like... Dude, that blows. That's the new thing now.

That's the... I've noticed, dude, of, like... It's like, well, let's hear from the other side of the aisle. And then they'll just have people on... Noah had on Senator Dan Crenshaw. Oh, sorry. And would be like... Okay, well, anyway, let's go on to the thing, blah, blah, blah.

Yeah. It's funny. That is the new thing. They're being like, let's hear from the other side. And it's a... Yeah. Where was that two years ago? Discourse.

Dude, I've said before, you know, I love when people fucking... I love discourse. Peacefully disagree. Yeah. We need more of that, man. I watched the Dan Crenshaw, all the argument... All the comments are like, we need more of this, bro. Two people talking.

It's like, yeah, it's... Well, it's also hilarious that people are like, that's nice. It's like, well, it's funny that you can't have that. What's he doing? What the fuck? You think he... Gardini gives a fair shake. He does give a fair shake to most people.

Gardini can respectfully disagree. I love political discourse. I can't, dude. I melt down. I'm one-sided. If anyone comes against me, dude, it's like, we have to silence this person. We have to eliminate them at all costs. We have to eliminate this fucking point of view.

I love eliminating points of view. Yes. Love it. Especially when they're against me. Oh, it makes you look like an idiot, dude. When someone's opinion is just, fuck that guy. Oh, yeah. And it's me, I'm that guy.

Especially if I'm wrong. If I might be wrong, it's like... If I might be wrong and it's important, it's like, no, let's just squash this. So I'm right. Who cares, dude? Let me just be right about this. But yeah, I was in absolute fouchy hole last night. Dude, I stayed up so much later than I should have.

Just being like, what happened back then? Dude, there was a bad one. I'm not going to get into it. Get into it. Who cares? Yeah, you should get into it. There was a bad one. There was a video of him.

Of him back when he had... I might be Guff Hill. Is that Guff Hill? Yeah, dude. All I need are the sneakers I always wear and just a suit. And I sit there and go... Yeah. Stelter likes donuts.

And the other people are like, oh, Greg, you're crazy. Yeah. His boys are always like, bro. Dude, the five gets down. Gerardo Rivera is the other part of the five. He's ripped. And then babes, dude. It is, dude.

And smoking babes and Guff Hill just dominates. Fox has the fucking smoke shows, dude. Fox is... It's crazy. It's crazy. The absolute just cream... What time did the fives come in on soon? We're in New York.

We can go to the fives. Dude. We can go stand in the window. You don't think they sold out? I don't think they had a live audience. That makes sense because remember we were watching them and it was just silent after everything you were saying. True.

It was very quiet. It's only because there was no crowd. Otherwise, you'd be crushed. Oh, dude, is the crowd... That's a tough... That's a gauntlet to get into the five in New York City. Yeah. Where are you going?

I think I can get on Guff Hill. You could, dude. 100%. There's comedians on there all the time. Yeah. Dude, if you got on the whole time, we're just going and it's fucking... Joe Mackie works for him. I know.

We saw that. Yeah. I was watching some Guff Hill highlights. Mackie popped up. We were watching clips of it on the way home from last time we did it here and there's... It breaks down. It starts to lose the thread of any kind of sense. It's so fucking funny.

The five might be the worst show I've ever seen in my fucking life, dude. We were watching The Father. We were watching Gutfill. We were watching Straight Up. I just... You were watching Straight Up. I need to go straight to the source. The five is too watered down.

Five is a little watered down. I even got to be running the show. Guff Hill runs a tight ship, though. It's very fun. He... Every once in a while, tossing his thing and I'm like, get him, Greg. Remember the sketch? Oh, he has a...

He has a walking theme that he's like murdering his staff, but at him as a puppet. Oh, yeah. I've seen this. Like a Chuckie doll. Of course I've seen this. It's just him killing his staff. Yeah. That's the whole bit.

Also, according to them, they are the number one late night talk show. And according to the internet. Is it true? Is it true? Yeah. It was Wikipedia. That was... Everyone tore that page out of Trump's book to attack ratings.

Yeah, just... Now all of a sudden everyone's like, fucking ratings. It's like, you had no idea what MSNBC's ratings were. Everyone now. But it is... If they are number one, dude, that's a rock star lifestyle they're living. Just having fun, they're like, dude, we'll just do the puppet sketch. We'll go get fucked.

Well, they probably are because they have no competition because they have... They have to compete with, like, Kimmel. Stealthy. They got to... If they're like... They're like, they're only... They're the only conser... They're like a late night show, kind of.

Yeah. Yeah, they're supposed to be. They're competition with Kimmel Fallon. So they might be the number one conservative late night talk show, for sure. I think they beat all of them. Wikipedia says they beat all the Fallons, the Tonight Shows and shit. What? Yeah, it says they get more views than all of them on Wikipedia.

That's true. Yeah. It has to be. He's the king of late night. He's the king of late night. He's the true... He's the kingmaker, dude. You got to go...

Gutfeld has to give you a chistering. If he bites you in the couch. Imagine if he let people do, like, a tight five. And he sat down next to Gut. He does. The comics I've seen on there are pretty funny to watch. Really? Yeah, they're dudes I've never heard of.

That lady did a tight five. They're all, like, long island guys that just show up and ball out. They're about to be celebrities. But he's probably the kingmaker. You're speaking a lot of truth, dude. I could... I might have to ask. You got to go on, bro.

Damn, you're the best. He's viscerating me, dude. Gutfeld went on to do... Gutfeld could kill me if he wanted. How would he kill you? Just that. On air? You think you'd never work in this town again?

Yeah, you look like Stelter. You think you'd never work in this town again? If Gutfeld crushed me? True. If he says so. Yeah, true. We're all working under the grace of Gutfeld. Gut...

Gutfeld... Gutfeld... We might have to toss a five on in the green room tonight. For sure. You're never... You're not going to believe it. I've seen clips. It is wild.

Who's the jacked black dude? I think he might be half-white, half-black. I'm not sure. They have... Gardini called it. They have a Marine. A soldier that comes on. A troop's gone.

They have a... Do you know the conservative twins? Do you ever see those two guys? Yeah, the two black twins. There's a guy who kind of looks like them, but it's just him. He'll roll on and be like, the thing about there's Gutfeld. Yeah, there's one of the dudes that looks exactly like Thanos.

There's a comedian that's on there constantly. He looks exactly like Thanos. Do you have any photographs? No, that guy's awesome, though. They get high-caliber black conservatives, dude. Yeah. You guys who mean business. Yeah.

That is a sick new conservative talking point. You just start to just vaguely be like, I don't know what they're doing down there at Astro World. What are you talking about? I mean, it's crazy they're doing that. The fact that they didn't run the security right is just fucked up. Oh, that reminds me. Big J's been going to like, he goes to like hardcore shows

or whatever, fucking rock shows. He goes to like corn and all that shit. Yeah. And he went to one, I forget the names of the bands, but like the first two bands were all like, fuck Joe Biden, like getting Let's Go Brandon Chance. And then the last band came on and was like, hey man, fuck all that political shit, dude.

We're just here to jam. And the whole crowd was like, fuck it. It was like God smack. Like Monday. Yeah, Monday. Somebody came on and was like, everybody let's just chill, man. Take it easy with that. And then just let's go Brandon over their music.

And they had to be like, all right. Yeah. Guys, man, that's not cool. I am death. Damn, that was a gut-filled. What? Me. What are you talking about?

I am death. No, it's not. That would have crushed on the five, dude. That would have been like sick impression. Yours had two smoke shows. You guys suck. Oh, that was really funny. No, I wish you were Rivera.

Oh, dude, I'm going to put out photos like him. Didn't he put out like Al Sharpton's six photos? Put out hot photos, yeah. Al Sharpton's photos. They were so crazy, dude. I got to see it, right? I'd like to see it. Rivera's was crazy.

Rivera had like plastic shirt. It looked like he had it. I don't want to smite the five. He was like crazy ripped for a six-year-old. I talked to Al Sharpton, nude. The first thing that came up was Al Sharpton, asshole, nude photos, amateur porno. Al Sharpton, asshole. It's just a funny thing.

What's that? Rodo. God damn, dude. He's a beast. Was that the moment? Where was he working before he went to Fox? No, he wasn't Sherlock. That's the craziest photo.

Look at number two on Al Sharpton. I talked to Al Sharpton, nude number two. Al Sharpton's built like fucking a gumby. He's crazy looking. Dude, look how much of a... I know we've covered how much of a... Who's that? Oh, hey girl?

Hey girl, dude. Dude, we're all the donks on Sharpton. Al Sharpton used to look. Sharpton used to be the king. He used to be the king. God damn, dude. Oh, man. That's crazy.

What the fuck, dude? How come when you type in Al Sharpton, nude, you just get... Why is that? Is that a fucking... Crazy. Damn, Sharpton... Reverend Al Sharpton dating 35-year-old stylist. Really?

This is when you see his stylist. Is that why you get those pics? That's why you get those pics. Dude. Dude, fuck. Whoa. Fuck, Geraldo. Geraldo.

For listeners in Harlem. We're just looking at naked images. Honestly, Geraldo crushes all of us. Yeah, Geraldo's fucking ripped. That's a fucking nice pic. Geraldo's ripped. Dude, who do you think... I mean, obviously, you guys know the answer.

Who are you guys to win? Just tell me. Sanjay Gupta or Geraldo? No blows. Just Greco Roman wrestling. No punches. What was the question? Sanjay Gupta or Greg Geraldo?

In a... Geraldo. In just wrestling. Just wrestling? Geraldo. Okay. What do you think? Yeah, probably Geraldo.

You're a wrestler. What do you think? Probably Geraldo, but the Indians do have a history in wrestling. They like wrestling games. Yeah, true. True. Never thought of it like that. Which one's Sanjay?

Is that the... The guy who was on the Sesame Street thing that Ted Cruz freaked out? Oh, yeah. Yeah, dude, he gets crushed by Geraldo. I don't know if this is real, but Reverend Al Sharpton and the National Youth Movement say boycott Whitney Whitey Houston. What? What?

Back in the day, he was trying to boycott Whitney. She's too white. Was it... Whitey is in, like, cocaine? Jesus Christ, dude. Dude, he was like fucking... Sharpton. Fucking ugly, dude.

Jesus Christ. He was so much better fat. Yeah. Yeah, he's probably way more powerful. His head is exactly shaped like Slimers when he was fat. That's the same head shape, dude. It's all his masses in his chin. Dude, how the hell are you, dude?

We did the fucking... I'm dying. We rocked and rolled. I actually feel good. Thank the Lord, dude. I felt real good. This is day three of my sobriety. Oh, yeah, yeah.

You were on a bit of a... We'll see. Let's see if I get to the... You were a rude boy. See if I can get through the live cast without a cold brusky. You were a rude boy. I was wild, dude. There was mushies.

Dude. It was a terrible experience. Yeah. We had the smallest amount of those dudes' mushrooms, and I had a very negative experience. I saw them. They were blue. They were like fucking blue. Yeah, it was bad.

That's an indicator, by the way. If you're foraging, you pinch. Slowly, if it becomes blue, you know it's got a slossy peak of pence. Well, there was a lot of slossy peaks of pence. Is that the penis envy? Yeah. They were like some type of... They were like something else, but they were a form of penis.

And then we met that guy at the live podcast, and he was like, I grew those in my closet in upstate New York, and I was like... Good boy. Yeah. Yeah. They worked. They worked. Really, mushrooms come from dudes' closets in upstate New York pretty much.

Just dudes' closets, different areas of the world. Yeah. I had no idea. Dude's closets are producing a ton of mushrooms. Oh, yeah. They're everywhere. So you can legally buy the kits. You can buy everything you need to grow them legally, but they're just like, but don't do

it. Yeah. He sells them at his establishment. Yeah. You can sell spores, all that shit. No. He sells like eighths of mushrooms. Man?

Yeah. What are you snatching, dude? Dude, it's like a... He's right across the street from the quarter house. That guy must be political. He's been selling like... Dude, he's got like... He has to have like videos of all the Trenton politicians fucking dudes or something, because

he sells weed and mushrooms in this building. He does in a humongous van, but the problem... And he has a warehouse now where we just walk around. Does he sell psychedelic truffles? I'm not sure. I had no friends. Because he was selling... He was selling CBD for a while.

The weed man shop. He was kind of selling fake weed for a while. It's like, it can't make any sense. There has to be a catch. Because he says he's selling all these drugs. CBD mushrooms would be nasty, dude. They'd rape him. You take mushrooms, you just get a stomach ache.

There's a lot of that. I had a stomach ache. Did you? Yeah, they'll... Big time stomach ache. I was very nauseous. Man. It was terrible.

Really? Yeah, it was terrible. Yeah, he was... The guy was like, yeah, man, these things are made to make... You know, they're known to make people a little emotional. And I was like, damn, that's so funny. Yeah, I got pretty emotional. Dude, to be fair, I gazed upon Houston the second day.

At night? That does look like the future. It looks like the future. To be fair. Were you high on pot? If you're high a little... Slightly. I was high on those mushrooms and I was like...

That was so funny. This is crazy. Are you looking at your window? This is a city in the future. This is unbelievable. And then woke up the next morning to just like a deserted parking lot of a city. I was like, oh my God, I'm a fucking loser. At nighttime, I was looking at it like, this is actually kind of impressive.

H-town was sick, dude. H-town was sick. Fuck with H-town heavily. Good city. Fuck with H-town heavily. H-town's a good city. Very good. Yeah, that was...

All in all, that was great. And singing Dracula at the end together. What a fun... Imagine if you prevented yourself from doing that. I could have. That's the question. Being gay. You could have been like, I don't know.

I don't know if I want to sing. And you start saying, what else am I fucking stonewalling myself off from? Bisexuality? You're joking, bro. Dude, I'm not bi. I don't think you're bisexual at all. I think you might be the least bi person I probably know. You're probably just as unbi.

I'm definitely not bi. I'm gay. I'm strictly gay. Dude, yeah, I'm a bi. I'm still fixated on being a fucking fat lesbian at Catholic school. Just fucking chilling, dude. That blanket across the lap, hot cocoa, high school football game. Man, dude.

Had a big game, watching the boys chill on the boys. Check your phone call. Yep, nobody's called or texted me. Nobody's called or texted in five months. My family, my family abandoned me in the 70s. They're dead. I'm here. Fuck.

Speaking of people's families abandoning them. That was what the open letter was about to Anthony Fauci. I was reading the letter. The video I got sidetracked was him going on and being basically saying, well, it's highly probable that people can catch HIV AIDS off of people who are positive for it just by living in a house with them. You don't have to have sex with them. You don't have to shoot drugs.

Yeah. He's just sharing a spoon or whatever. He's like, we think it's very possible. And then the people are mad about this is the stuff you can't talk about really. Again, I don't know if it's real or not. But they were saying that that administration under him was pushing for a vaccine for AIDS and they put tons of research and blocked other treatments in the meantime. And then, dude, so many people died and then they're like,

all right, let's check into these fucking therapeutics and there are the things that worked. Yeah, people are trying to draw a parallel to the time. Let's knock it off. Yeah. And then I'm watching. I've been watching the fucking vids at night. You've been in the YouTube comments. Guys, knock it off.

Yeah, guys, come on, dude. Just relax. Dude, we need discourse. Check out Trevor. No. Yeah, dude, we need to fucking. Let's have some peace. I'll disagree.

But yeah, dude, the get on YouTube comments from now on and be like, yo, did they really check out Godfell last night? I might crush this topic. He fucking lampooned these guys. The open letters are crazy, dude. There's these gay guys literally calling for him in front of a firing squad. And they're archived, dude. Like these are like, I don't know why I keep saying archive, but it's like these people

are like, they saved them. They saved them. They saved them. They was like, Anthony Fauci shouldn't have a medal. He should be in front of a firing squad. Really? These gay dudes were pissed. They were pissed, dude.

They were ticked off, dude. Them and all their friends are dying. I kind of what Dallas Buyers Club was about. They couldn't get like certain medicines and they had to like go underground. And apparently it was like, the drug companies were like, now we're going to get an AIDS vaccine. This is going to be sick. They didn't work, bro.

I want to fire up the research back up for the, I believe in the AIDS vaccine. I want to fire back up. I think we could do it. If we put our heads together. Yeah. Now with this technology. Dude, this is why I get fucking so many ads for AIDS. We talked about last podcast, every fucking every three videos is like a fucking AIDS commercial.

What? Yeah. It's because you're talking about falching AIDS every 10 minutes. Dude, you know, bring up AIDS or AZT. Here's one for you. Give it to me. I've been watching. There's a show.

I'm saying people that did assassination of Versace. Oh, dude. They're doing one now on the impeachment of Bill Clinton and it fucking rules. But there's one. But the episode I just watched is about how how Clinton got out of it technically. I didn't know this. I was a young boy when this happened, but it was like he and his previous rape case, they had given him documents on what sexual relations meant.

They gave him a document and he read it and it was like, this is what sexual relations are. So then when Monica Lewinsky came around, he was like, I didn't have sexual relations and they were like, didn't you say she performed oral sex on you? And he's like, by your definition on my previous rape case, that wasn't sexual contact or relations. What? Like that's how he got out of it.

What? Yeah. Yeah, it was beast. The show makes you kind of like Bill Clinton a lot. He's a scumbag, but he's also like... Sweet Willy. Yeah, he's Slick Willy. Slick Willy.

That's what it was. See what you call him? Sweet Willy. He's Slick, dude. But there's one part where they're like, you can't tell the truth here because then you'll admit to have perjured yourself and he's like, well, then we just have to win and he just destroys everybody. What?

Clinton rules. I like a good boss, dude. You think he's a boss? He's a boss, dude. Dude. He's second in charge. He's second in charge. To Hilldog?

Hilldog was the boss, bro. They made Hilldog a good lady in this. Really? Yeah, a little bit. Herds being like... Well, they do kind of in the show, like show her decide this is a career agreement now. We're not together anymore. We're on a job together now.

Damn, dude. Which was pretty sick also. That's pretty tight. Yeah, all business. Yeah. He had a fucking airstrike on Osama Bin Laden during like having, he had to wake up that morning and tell Hillary, all right, I lied to you before I did fuck or I did get ahead from that lady.

Yeah. So she spazes on was like, fuck you. He's like teary eyed in this meeting. And they're like, we have Osama Bin Laden. Should we do it? And he's like, fucking kill him. Oh, yes, dude. Bill Clinton rules.

Yeah. Can you imagine going through like admitting to your girl you cheated and then you get to walk in another room and they're like, you want to kill someone? It's like, yeah. Yeah. Pull up that whole fucking village. True. I am curious as to what actually happened.

Yeah. Of course. I mean, it's a show on FX. He's like, Hillary, can you take your dark cloak off of your head and she's like, ugh. Her goat's head. She's sleeping in. Oh no. Ow.

Ow. Ow. True. No, that is, that is pretty sick. Yeah. That's wild though. I get tricked by every political TV show. If I watch it, I'm like, that's what happened.

Every time. Well, it's also funny too. I mean, it could be. So who knows? But it is funny for him to be like that rape case and being like, well, yeah, life, Angie Lemons. True. He's like, I got some fucking decent info out of that.

Yeah. So how did he, what was, what did they say sexual relations wise? It was like touching with the intent to stimulate on the girl. It's not sexual. It was all just bullshit where he technically he was like, I didn't lie, which that's the crime. If he lied during his testimony, then he committed perjury, then he was, then he was guilty and could be fired.

That makes sense. But because legally he told the truth, right? It didn't matter that he got his dick sucked. That's not what they were trying to get him on. They were trying to get him on a whining about getting his dick sucked. That makes sense. Yeah. So they kind of like played with the definition of like the thing he was actually up against.

Yeah. I mean, there's one part during it where he's like, depends on my enemy, dude, I'm fighting right now on YouTube. What are they? They're fucking changing the definition of gain and function, so he's, I just don't know. I love attacking falchion. It just makes me so happy.

Yeah. Every time I hear, I don't do that. I'm being 100% forthright. I don't know anything about technology or medicine. I just love hearing when he gets, I'm like, yes, that's as obvious, honest as I can be. It's good that you're honest about it. When anything, something bad comes out about him, I go, yes, yeah, yes. And that's fine.

And I delight. That's one of my pastimes. It's a sweet treat for you. It's watching mean videos about some guy who I don't know of any idea what they do. Yeah. He might be the man. If he was the man. I don't think so, dude.

Yeah. But, you know, if someone, if that was someone's hobby, getting into him, I could see that. Like, no, I'm actually rooting for him on my last one. It's like, you know. Yeah. The people that root for him did stink. The Steelers. Yeah.

That's the thing. It's like, every time these sides are picked, I'm always like, man, do I really want to be on that side? It stinks. Although it's fun watching Rand Paul call him a liar. Rand Paul rules. He fucking rules, dude. He continues to rule.

Fucking rules. You know, he's ugly. I had a lot to make fun of him on that, but I'm not. Rand Paul's kind of handsome, dude. Rand Paul's not that ugly. Yeah, not at all. He's actually. Trump, that's all Trump actually said.

It was, he was like, I can make fun of Rand Paul's looks all night, but I didn't say anything about it. Everyone was like, what the, Rand Paul's like, Rand Paul's literally like, what the fuck? And they were all too scared to be like, no, you're ugly, you motherfucker. Dude, I, if they would have called him ugly, he'd have been like, I've slept with a thousand supermodels, dude. It would have. Yeah.

Go back to Kentucky. Always. He would have pussy, but he always pussy. He dick-bragged. He dick-bragged. True, he did dick-bragged. I keep saying I got small hands, dude. Aaron Rogers' girlfriend came out and basically was like, dick-bragged for him, bro.

That's a fucking, that's a support system, man. That's a good chick. Under national scrutiny. She's like, I tell you, he has a huge dick and everyone's like, I got to rethink. It's a mistake. I don't think this vaccine thing is a big, big mistake. These libs often make, which is to try to attack the best quarterback in the NFL. They tried it with Brady.

True. And he ended up with Ben. Big Ben. Big Ben. Big Ben, they have it. Pretty solid case. What did Big Ben do? He did not engage in sexual relations.

I don't think he intended to stimulate the woman once. Did he have multiple cases? He had two. What did he say? He was like, did you hear about the guy on my team and what he got on him? Farved dick pics. Big Ben had, brought a lady to a fucking, yeah, he said, get over here. And their argument was like she was wearing like a pin that said DTF.

And the jury was like, sloth. Oh my God. I don't know if it, I don't think that went to trial. The DTF pin? Yeah. Dude, that must be a lawyer, like what do we got, bro? He goes. This is a Ziploc bag with a DTF pin.

Showing it to the jury, just come on. Man, what does this stand for? She's like, down to fuck. Rest my case. And be like, sir, what do you do for a living? Starting quarterback for the Pittsburgh Steelers. And what's your completion rate? It's like, I'm not like 75%.

Yeah. Come on. Come on. That was probably in the Pittsburgh jury. Oh God, yeah. Yeah, especially if you have money on it, you're kind of like. Yeah. We need the Steelers.

Yeah. Like, where are we at? Timeless. 47. Oh nice. 57. We can keep it rolling. Dude, we'll do a, we'll do an hour and switch right into a, we'll do an hour and

switch. We're going to toss those. We're going to go down to the stand and record a live podcast on behalf of the New York Comedy Festival. Thanks for having us guys. Yeah dude. For sure. And the live skank fest will be on the Patreon.

Go to the Patreon dude, join it. It's a dollar. If you want to give more than a dollar, we'd appreciate it. True. And if you want to give a dollar or not complain about stuff, that'd be nice too. That would also rule. No, it's fine. The boys complain.

I talked to them. They've kind of taken it easy on the complaining from what I've seen, although I haven't really been looking. They've chilled. Yeah. They've chilled. There's a while there. Well, I think they, I think they, they thought the end of the podcast was near.

People will see stuff and they get all doom and gloomy. Yeah. It was just a busy month. Yeah, man. It happens. That's going to happen. It does. Especially now that me and Rogan are like best friends and stuff.

It happens dude. Damn. How sick is that dude? Rogan is the best. It's the best dude. It's the best dude. Yes. It is the best dude.

Oh man. That's fucking castley rock dude. That's number, Louie's number one. True. Louie's true king. That's emperor. Louie texted me. Louie texted me.

It was like, Hey, what are you doing? I was like, you miss me? And he was like, fuck you pussy. No, I don't. Yes. Yes. Yes. Louie, I love you.

You should squeeze them both to death. Rogan's fucking suplex you. True. You could, you might be able to get a decent squeeze on the Louie dog. What the fuck are you doing? And you just go out and headline everyone's like, where does Louie go? You're like, he passed away. I'm the new Ember.

I am new Caesar. Actually, if we end the podcast shortly, we get to watch the desert gladiator scene before the live podcast, which would kind of be cool. We get to watch, are you not entertained? True. Spaniard. Spaniard. That would be sick dude.

Maybe we should watch that. Maybe we should actually speed the Patreon. We'll just watch it and just sit here and like breathe into the mic. It's like, oh fuck nice. Hold on. I have some dates. Oh yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. This weekend is sold out. Sorry gang. Sorry guys. Sorry guys. You snoozed. Actually, I'm, I kept it light in December, although we are going to do a live show at Helium in Philadelphia on the week, the week of Christmas, the 22nd and 23rd.

We're going to do a live show and then a live showcase. Showcase. We're awesome. The rest of our friends get to horse off. And then. You like that guy? You like horse and off? Yes.

You keep that up. You might be on the show. You and La Mer, dude. Can you guys, we might have just, I think we should just have a roast battle between Gardini and La Mer. Why not? Me and La Mer do naked roast battle. Can you please?

Can you please? It's fun facing backwards. We just see your butts. Just cheeks dude. We do manjina too the whole time. Manjina roast battle will be nasty. Talk to Ray, yeah. Those guys couldn't even talk, dude.

Your penis is too small. You wouldn't even be able to talk in a pig's tail. You can squeeze in with. A lot of pigtails. With what? Pigtails. Just the curly nubs sticking straight out. Classic lute.

Just a pinky joke. True. The improv for New Year's, the Irvine improv in California, Cali, what up? January 6th, 7th, and 8th, I'll be headlining Carolines on Broadway, dude. Can't wait to see my name up in the lights. New York, dude? Yeah. 13th, 14th, 15th of January, Tacoma, something.

Washington. And then a Summit City comedy club, whatever that is, go there. Sounds like Washington. I don't know. Summit. Yeah, a lot of mountains. Maybe. Dude.

December 3rd, 4th. Whoa. It's a big one, dude. Yes. Good night rally, North Carolina. That'll sell out. No problem. It's a little seat.

No. You can sell out, dude. Pack that shit up. I'm going to be like, sold out again, guys. Sorry. Sorry. Don't worry about how big it is. You guys missed out.

Such a six. I'm excited. I'm excited. You're going to put on a hell of a show. Sid the Kid. Yeah. Spud's been pumped on, Sid. Yeah, dude.

Spud witness, Sid the Kid's power. He loved it, dude. Yeah. He loved it. I'm going to finalize all the other ones. I do believe a live roast at the holiday party between the guard dog and Lamarpe. What are you so sad about, dude? If you win, the winner gets to do stand-up on the next show.

How about this? You guys can do a roast? True. That seems nice. You guys can do a roast? There's two shows. There's two showcases. You can pick the roast each other or just roast somebody we all know.

If it's me, you'll never work again. You can just pick like anyone. Any comic. You can just roast the shit out of them. Spare Lamarpe. Can it get to me? She's not even there? No, no, no.

It has to be someone that we all know and I see every day. Actually, we could hire them to do the roast of Beezer. Beezer would like that. Beezer would not like that at all. We should just do the roast of Beezer for our holiday. Roast of Beezer is so fucking fun. So you don't want to do the roast battle with Lamarpe at the holiday party? I mean, if you really want me to, I will.

I don't think Lamarpe will want to do it. It makes me want you guys to do it more. I know, I know. Never mind. I know you guys are going to be such sad. No, no, no. I'll do it. I serve you, dude.

I work for you. Shut the fuck up, dude. How dare you disrespect me? You're a seizure, dude. I'll do whatever you ask. You're trying to get back to the farm. This is how you do it. You're trying to get back to the grains.

You're trying to get back to New Jersey. All right. Well, good podcast. Let's watch the desert scene. And then we'll go do the live one. And then we'll do the live podcast. Thanks for watching, everybody.