Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 375 - Puss-Fluenza (feat. Lemaire Lee)

Episode Date: December 25, 2021

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There we go. Yes. What's up? Wow, it's good to be back in the dude. Yeah, man. The official still in with our with our guest today, LaMaire Lee. You may know the man as the guy who got fired. Arguably, the simplest jobs of all time. Yeah. I didn't ask Josh Adam Myers to move. Oh, that's all it was. That's all it was.

It was one of the all time greatest episodes, too. It was a great episode. We lost that bit, man. Yeah. No, that's like when they used to burn those libraries and you just never know thousands of books. All the knowledge lost. All of Josh Adam Myers's stories. That was one of the.

That was so fucking funny. LaMaire, then he came the next week and then fixed our blunders. Fire, he had him on. He like fixed our shit. Like, it's all kind of bad. Fuck. So, Matt, what's going on with you? I'm scared of the Omicron, bro. The Omicron.

I'm not going to get. I'm going to crumb. I'm going to get the Omicron, dude. I'm a fucking crumb. I'm going to crumb. I call it the Omicron. Dude. Call the Omicron. Everyone's catching the Omicron.

I was like, oh, fuck, I'm a crumb. Yes. That shithound pussy. Isn't that shithound pussy, bro? I was like, I'm a crumb. There. What type of pussy are you getting? Where's it from? No pussy. These days.

What? Are you single? Yeah, dude. I'm single, dude. I'm sorry. I didn't know that. It's OK. It's OK, dude. It's OK.

Did she break your heart? Did she die from Omicron? Yeah. You broke her heart. I just had to stop things. Yes, I had to end it. I had to end it, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Does it happen? I don't mind. Yes. 100%. Yes. It does have everything to do with a six minute video. You're a heartbreaker. You know, dude, I'm a fuckboy now.

You're fucking business, bro. I hate business, bro. You play with fire. And they're strictly business. Yeah, dude. Get in. Give me some cuddles and leave. That's it.

That's it. So what type of pose are you on the market for now? Geographically speaking. Geographically speaking. I hate that I'm so honest, but I really would like to have sex with Indian women. That's pretty. That'd be pretty badass.

Yeah, dude. Yeah. You tell it. I think that'd be cool. Learn some things. What do you think they would teach you? The Kamasutra. Yeah.

On the art of love making. Try to find your Kamala, dude. Yeah. I need a strong half-black woman in my life. Half-black, half-India. What type of love making do you think you would make? What type would you make now? Would you say you'd do anything that's

in the Kamasutra right now? No. Just naturally? I think if it happens, it happens. I'm just kind of flexible. Physically flexible? Or like you're open to things? Both.

Physically flexible. I'm physically flexible, yeah. I can do, I can, my palms can touch the ground, dude. Straight leg. So how does that serve you, sexually? Getting fucked in the ass. Fucking game, hound, dude. Fucking pegs, yeah.

Indian chicks will peg the hell out of you, dude. Indian chicks will peg you. They'll absolutely peg you. Hell hell yeah. I love the hand job with the head, like it's my idea. Bobblehead, nice. So you're looking for an Indian queen? No, dude.

You need to approach an Indian princess and just tell her two things. Just be like, I know how to be patient and I know how to meditate. Yeah, dude, I'm a playboy. I don't need no queens. The young sit-out, you're a playboy now, dude. Play poor.

Now you're a playboy. Slow down, dude. I'm gonna play poor. No. This is bullshit. You guys will be back together in two weeks. You'll be, you'll cut, yeah. No, it's dead.

It's dead. Yeah. Do you feel comfortable talking about this? Maybe on a Patriot or something. No, this is what we are, this is the real deal. We're live. OK, I can't. No, no, no.

You don't have to say anything more. I'm sorry. He was asking if you felt comfortable saying what you've already divulged. I mean, if somebody dumped me and then they acted like a jerk like this, I'd be pissed. No, I'm just my heart hurt, too, dude. I got to protect my heart by being a playboy.

You're laughing through the pain. Yeah, yeah. Dude, I tried to love. I got all I got is living and laughing now. Trill. It could be a fire right now. Yeah, what the fuck smells? Let's pause up.

It's a fire. Maybe one of your dumb cigarettes got thrown into a pile of leaves. You're going to burn down this block. They might be cooking some shit downstairs. They probably don't know how to fucking cook. Hey, Bill, is something on fire, bud? It doesn't smell like it in here.

This is hot ass. Is it the fucking fume? Is the fume burning? No, it's not. Is it the fume? Maybe something's just outside burning. The door's cracked. That's probably what it is.

It smells like an electrical fire. All right, we're good. We'll find out. We'll catch a place. It'll be actually great for the podcast. It would be very good for the book. You'd have to salvage that. You'd have to grab the equipment.

We're still we're good, right? Yeah, we're so all right. Yeah, yeah, I'm sorry about that. We smelled a kind of chemically flame. Yeah, it's getting stronger. Yeah, it might be math. It should be the Chinese. Oh, it is.

It's it's it's the chat. There's a vent fan. No, it's a no game. It's a vent fan. So the mayor, you're you're a fresh out of love. Yeah, and I'm fucking hurting, dude. I started listening to metal. Yeah, you listening to metal.

Yeah, yeah, like what? Like hardcore, like fucking. All right, knocked loose is a band. Yeah, listen to you, dude. And I fuck with them a lot. Arf, arf, dude. Yeah, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, really? Yeah, you didn't even know that side of me, dude. I know that side. I know that side of you, dude. Yeah, right. Pop punk and screamo, dude. No. Yeah, I like co-heating Camry.

So fucking embarrassing. I switched between co-heating Camry and Drake. Yeah, it was my two moods at all. Those worlds are colliding. I might be a fucking Gemini. You might be a gem, actually. I really am very Gemini-esque. Those worlds are colliding at light speed.

Yeah, they are. Aren't you a Sag Fereldo? I am a Sag Fereldo. OK, dude. Here's what I'd like to discuss. I went to a girls high school basketball game this weekend. Three. We're talking a big time shootout.

29, 28. What? And what grade? And it was 25 at half. It was like 25 to 18 at half. So it was a bad old defense. The winning team scored three points in the second half. What?

It was chaos, too. What? And they don't... And this was good girls about like the highest level. AAA. And 6A. 6A. 6A.

6A ball. Doesn't get higher than 6A girls ball. And watch my old man coach. What's he running? Is he running woman on woman? No, they're running little kid soccer where everyone screams and chases the ball. And whoever has the ball looks straight down and goes like this. It was fucking crazy.

What? I couldn't believe it. I was... I've had arguments with my dad about how many points I would score. And he's like, shame it. These girls would rip your ass. And I watched. I was like, dude, I would score 100 points.

Yeah. It would be unbelievable. Who would you have to play center? I wouldn't have to play... Everyone's like, oh, you think you could run the whole... I'm like, first off, that's very insulting. Yeah. Yes, I can jog up and down and stand still.

Even if you didn't... I could have scored 30 with a beer. With a beer, I could have scored 30. Even if you didn't... You could have stayed on... Literally cherry picked the entire time. Exactly. I would have outscored them.

Exactly. Yes. Just field goal percentage alone. You could have just gotten off the court. Yeah. When it wasn't your... And then step back on the offense. I could lay down.

At one end of the court. And then finally sit on the back right here. You could run up to score and just take the third quarter off. Yeah. The only thing I did realize is I would get in trouble for offensive fouls. You think so? You could take a post. Any movement, a girl would go flying.

True, yeah. You could power forward though. Here's what I was doing. My mom was sitting courtside, dude. You know how girls are. Really? We get a little money. We get a little flashy.

My mom was sitting courtside, 6-8 girls ball. And I was in this exact sweatsuit. And so I was running. I would run down the court side. I'd be like, can I get 50 cents to go to the contestant's in? And then sprint out of the gym, dude. And just made trips to the contestant. How was the snack bar?

The snack bar was crazy. I got Skittles, M&M's. My niece and I went in on Skittles. Did you really? Who was your fastest time, dude? My fastest time from... From stand-up. There's one thing I've noticed.

Because it was all little kids running to and from the contestants. Yeah. When an adult man runs, people get very alarmed. You see a man sprinting in any situation like that. People are very like... That's like a run and a slide on... Like swishy pants. You run and slide on swishy pants.

Slide down the baseline? Yeah, dude. And also the whole time I was thinking, this is how Phil is going to die. Phil is going to have a heart attack in the middle of a girl's high school. Girl 6-8 ball? On the bench, in front of all the girls that he's coaching,

and they're all going to be like, Ew! That's statue stuff, dude. He's going to die at Redland or Cedar Cliff, and they're going to have to put him on the bus. He's going to die in an away game. They're going to enshrine him like, fucking Mary Magdalene, dude, beneath the school.

I think that's the worst death you could possibly have. Heart attack on the bench of a girl's basketball game? You fall down, and you just, that's it. I still think, I think amusement park. Your dad and Gino Ariama is going to have the same death. True. Who? Gino Ariama.

Who's that? He's a fucking coach. All-time legend of Yukon, girls basketball. You gotta freshen up on your girls who play. Yeah, what is it about girls ball? It's about the guys having heart attacks. I'm legitimately into the WWE. I mean, can you imagine?

Can you imagine the stress? Also, no, not making sexual jokes. The stress of actually watching them play. Be like, look up, and you don't have to throw the ball. Yeah. Dude, the other team's defense was just their bench yelling. And the offense of the other team would panic. Any time they did it, they would start with like a low scream

and then build it up like a shot clock. Yeah. And eventually they'd be like, and the girls on offense would be like, it was fucking crazy. So he's building a sound barrier. It was dog break. It was dog break.

They would start loud noises and the other side would be like, it was wild. So at the very, I put it on my story. It was very funny on Instagram. I watched the game winner. There was eight seconds. The other team was down two. They embedded this girl, took a fade away.

Air ball three. It was so funny. It was so funny. Dude, her whole life would have changed you. It would have changed. If she would have sunk that three, I would have been like, yo, that's just incredible. It would have been awesome.

She took a running fade away three from the corner. These girls hadn't made a layup in two quarters. And for the game winner, they were like, all right, I got this. And it was one of those. It really was. She had like one leg kicked out, shooting a fade away. And it air balled on the other side of the rim.

So like, it didn't touch anything. It just landed on the other side. It went over the rim? Yeah. That's impressive. Air balled on the other side. That's impressive, actually. True.

If she's a champion, she'll use that to become better. She will. Yeah, but it doesn't matter. If a girl sinks a game winning shot in high school, her world doesn't change. Like a tree falling in the woods. Yeah. She's going to get so much.

I knew it, dude. Yeah. I always had a game. There was, there was a dude in my high school who, who sunk like a game winner three in playoffs. And like he got pussy into like college from that. Yeah. Yeah.

Actually, yeah. I think it actually kind of fucked them up. I got too, it was like too much pussy at once. But, uh, yeah. A girl could like dunk it for the win. And every dude's is going to be like, eww. I was like, what did you just say? Say that again.

What the fuck did you think was funny? What? Say, say it again. Puss fluenza, dude. What is that? He just had an influx of puss and it warped his brain. You ever heard of a fluenza? Yeah.

I understand the angle you're coming from. This isn't going away. I want to know. You got the stoners up in arms, dude. The stoners are rowdy. Wait, I want to tell you, but I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. The stoners are rowdy. Wait, I want to tell you,

but I don't know where you guys are. Oh, you fucking weed cookies, dude. Oh, you guys ate weed cookies. What are you on? Noah? I hope something. Are you on an opiate? Dude, no, he picked up.

Yeah, this team, dude. The fellowship is falling apart, dude. Yeah, it really has, dude. I've been watching Fellowship of the Rings or the Lord of the Rings. Oh, nice. All about the fellowship. Dude, I didn't know that's what a fellowship was.

You have, like, seven to nine dudes doing one thing. It's a fellowship. The whole time, like, the fellowship's falling apart. Yeah, I rewatched. I'm glad you're watching it. I just rewatched it. Did you really? You know, Connie, you sat down

and put down the trilogy one day. Ooh. That's loser shit. No, no, no. That's important. That's adult men living together. Loser shit. But it was when I had to quarantine.

Oh, you guys both had it. You did the right thing. Conner was, like, one of the Egyptian boys buried in the tomb. He was just trapped. He was like, fuck it. I guess I'll die too. I thought he had it.

And it's like, you can't go back to your geezer parents. He did the right thing. Because, yeah, I had nowhere to go. Yeah. So he was just like, fuck it. You've been hanging out. I was already living with him for, like, two days before I tested positive.

So he was like, I'll just stay here. Occasionally we'd be, like, watching a movie laying on a couch and I'd just look over and he'd be like, he'd put his mask up while we're sitting on the couch. I'm like, dude, it's over. It doesn't matter. We can stop. Yeah.

But he never got it. So. He never got it indoors? No. He sat with me for a week. He wasn't taken to, like, the CDC and studied as a medical anomaly? No.

It turns out due to, I think, because I wasn't very symptomatic. You can't really, it turns out if you're asymptomatic. You're telling me the invisible enemy is not his, wait, dude. Hold on a second. You've worked for my whole world. Matt, I've been listening to Dr. McCullough. True.

True. So I'm fired off about that. I listen to one podcast. I'm like, I actually know everything about the topic. And my dad was like, what do you mean? I was like, you can't get it twice. He's like, what are you saying? Well, how do you know that?

He can't. Dad, just listen to me. Just listen to Dr. McCullough. Dr. McCullough said it. Second time we get COVID, you die, don't you? Isn't that like what happens? I don't think. I don't know.

Dr. McCullough claims that you can't get it twice. Yeah. Dr. McCullough. And then everybody's like, I got it twice. True. It's like, did you? Or did you have a, yeah. Did you have a-

Did you have a sniffles one time and claim you had it? The definition though is that people never like, they might have had the symptoms, but they weren't like brought, I think they weren't brought to the CDC and like had their like virus analyzed the DNA of it. So they don't have like conclusive proof. Yeah. So that's it. That episode was pretty.

Interesting. Yeah. Interesting dude. Yeah. You don't see anything about it though. About the episode? No. I even looked on JRE clips on YouTube.

They were known to be found. Not allowed to run that. Interesting. They bury a lot of stuff. So you have to search from newest added and then you'll see videos. Yeah, that's why I'm searching. I went to videos and uploads and I couldn't find it. Maybe I was just looking at it wrong.

Dude, Robert F. Kennedy came under fire. So did the rest of it. So did his uncle. True. Dude, so apparently RFK Jr., they had a- They came under fire. It was in the news. Heavy fire.

What happened to his uncle? Oh, JFK. I thought the other one, I thought someone else got shot too. I was like, who else got shot? They all- Helldog got that one. Think Helldog was on that? Body count.

For sure. Dude. I was at this podcast called American Spink Scandal and they were talking about Monica Lewinsky and how she was down as hell. She was like, I'm not snitching on the president. Yeah, she loved him. Yeah, dude. She was just sweetheart.

How'd they flip her eventually? Nobody flipped her. There was this fucking old crusty bitch in a Pentagon, dude. Linda Tripp. Linda Tripp. She was recording her calls with Monica Lewinsky. Secretly recording her. Thank God.

Bro, speaking of secretly recording, I told you this, right? No. One of the nights I got drunk at the brew house in Mechanicsburg, let's go. I'm in the Uber home, me and my lady. And, you know, I'm yapping. I'm chirping a little. The guy was listening to Stand Up, I think. And I was like, I do Stand Up.

And then he was like, oh yeah, what's your name? I said it like 10 times. I was like, my name is Shane Gillis. I got fired from Saturday Night Live. Do you remember the guy who got fired from what, that lived in Mechanicsburg from Saturday Night Live? I said it clear as day, like 10 times. And then I went on to like trash comics, I think, a couple times.

I was like hammered. He was like, what about this guy? I was like, eh, that guy fucking kind of sucks. This guy, this guy's cool. I was actually happy because I did compliment a lot of comics. Sick. Which is usually not what I'm doing. Usually I'm getting drunk and I'm like, I hate them.

Dude, you're sipping on a hatery. But he gets us to my parents' house. And he goes, by the way, I filmed all that and I put it on YouTube. What? I was like, dude, what the fuck? Don't do that. And then my girlfriend sits up and she's like, I'll fucking sue that shit out of you. And I was like, don't do that.

Don't do that. This guy's obviously a psycho. She started to bark though. She started barking. And he was like, actually, due to the laws, you're in my vehicle. Like he had the response to that. Like you cannot sue me. Yeah.

And then I was like, he was like, just say the word. I won't do it. Dude, you'll fuck my life up if you post this. Please don't post this. He's like, OK, I won't. And he drove off. Oh, man. So who knows?

That was a fun one. The anxiety of that waking up the next day, just like, oh, fuck, I forgot. There's going to be a YouTube video of me. Socks. Trash. Trash in comics. How many stars did you give him? I didn't give him many stars.

I forgot. I forgot. I probably gave him five. I always give him five. Yeah, I guess you got to expect it. You just got to expect to be on camera now. You got to report that. That's why I don't jerk off in my basement.

I assume I'm somehow like I have something's open. I'm like, nope, not doing it. Not doing it. You imagine that, dude? That was a nightmare. Yeah, that kind of thing. I think of being drunk on Uber and someone being like, this is going on YouTube. And it's just you like, I was on Saturday Night Live.

It would have been so bad. What was the party? It would have been funny. What was the party? Were you guys spraying champagne after the victory? I was at the brew house. After the fucking 5A victory? Oh, 6S.

6. Sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Oh, fuck. I'm sorry. Did your dad's team win? Yeah. Yeah, they did win. Yeah, they did.

Yeah, you guys yourself. Did the team air ball to buzzerbeet? Like then Phil took home the victory. Was the team down and came back? Was that your team? Phil's team was leading the entire game. That's just leadership, dude. That's just leadership.

He was giving him hell on the bench. Did he run his own frill? Did he run his own? I don't know. Boxing one? It looked like it was man. It looked like it was man to man. Fine, dude.

Oh, dude. Yeah, that's terrifying, dude. So what's going on with the fellowship? Well, first of all, with RFK Jr., he had a party at his house. And it leaked that he apparently had said that he required vaccination status. No. Vaccination, he said. What's wrong?

Well, here's what happened, dude. He came out and apparently his wife sent out invitations. He didn't know. So he said nobody was checked. He goes, sometimes you're not the boss of your own house. There's nothing he could do about it. Dude, the guy's building like a fucking national movement. His wife fucking almost ruined it.

Yeah, that happens. Well, I think we should do it. And he's just like, I don't know. I'm under so much scrutiny taking all the fucking invitations. Robert, he was about to start listening to Knock Loose. True, he might start listening to Knock Loose. He might be down on his luck a little. He might be a little sad and heartbroken.

Imagine being like, he's been stricken down. I'm coming out of my melancholy slightly. I was stricken down for a couple of weeks there. Yeah, that's the worst. I'll be back. I'll be back into it. Yeah, I mean, yeah. I live there.

Yeah. We always make our way back to it eventually. Kind of just got to greet it. And at this point, it's just kind of like whatever. I just I just greet it, dude. And it's like, yes. Matt, I was thinking this. I think you were like this, dude.

I was thinking about happiness and how like happiness isn't like the end goal. Happiness is the journey. You know? Profound. Yeah. Dude, you know, I'm trying, dude. Spot on, bro. We can't all be philosophers.

Spot on, bro. You're telling me it's not the journey, it's just the path. Yeah. That's what I'm talking about. No, he's saying it's not the end result. You don't wind up with happiness. Happiness is on the way there. Yeah, you don't you don't just listen to the end of the last note of a piece of music,

bro. The whole thing. Because the end is dead. Loud and clear. Talk about the end is dead. The end is dead. What's that? Like dead, like you're dead.

Like that's the end. Yeah. For sure. For sure. Yeah. We die. Elaborate on this. We die.

Elaborate. A little more. Don't touch that. Hold up. So we die? What'd you say? You tell us we die. You sure about that?

Yeah. We die, dude. What? What do you mean though? Happiness is on the way there. Give me an example. What are you thinking? Like a...

Like you can't always be happy. I don't know. No, you're on to something. Keep going. You're on to something. Yeah. I can't always be happy because like then you won't know anything else. Yeah.

Like happiness comes from knowing the other things. It's almost like sunshine wouldn't be so great if it wasn't for rainy days. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. So what else you got? When did you realize this after the breakup?

No. Dude, I've been stewing on this for a little bit. Yeah? Really? I've been stewing on it. So what type of sad things are you thinking about? Did you ever see a yin yang? Simple.

Let me introduce you to a yin yang. What type of rainy days were you talking about? Dude, I've been talking shit on Jay-Z a little bit. Why? Fuck Jay-Z, dude. I'm with Nas, dude. Fuck Jay-Z. Okay.

This is gonna be... I feel like Jay-Z like... I feel like Jay-Z like... I feel like Jay-Z like... I feel like Jay-Z like... I feel like Jay-Z like he like... He like uses black people to get wealthy. He's always used black people to get wealthy.

He was a drug dealer. Like he's always used black people to get wealthy. Yeah? Damn. Yeah. You're growing. Yeah. Soon, dude.

Kanye West is a slave master. Or Uncle Tom. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Kanye West is Uncle Tom, dude. Why? Dude, this is all from what he said. Like he tweeted like record contracts are modern day slavers. It's modern day slavery.

And then you think about it. He signed a bunch of people to stupid Def Jam record deals. And then when he was on that Drink Champs podcast, he was like, I don't give a fuck about all those people I signed. They were just so I could get out my shit. Okay. Yeah. He's an Uncle Tom.

Why does that make him white? It doesn't make him white. It makes him an Uncle Tom. Wait, why does that make him an Uncle Tom? Because he's like... He's like... Because he's not... He's like using the...

He's like the... Okay. It's like multi-level marketing. Yeah. What's that have to do with it? Why are you comparing that to being white, dude? Maybe he's just being a jerk. There's no whiteness in Uncle Tom.

Yes, it is. No, it's not. That's the whole crux of a thing. No. When you're Uncle Tom, you're like a dude who you're like fucking dancing, you know? For who? The man, dude.

He's dancing for Rick Rubin, dude. He's a Jew. All right. Those are just some hard feelings I've been trying to come to terms with recently. Yeah. Like Kanye West. No, I love him. Okay.

Yeah. Well, then I didn't understand. No. I'm really confused. Yeah. You know, sometimes love comes from hate. True that. Hold on a sec.

Dude, the people you love can be wrong, too. What? You ever think about that? What? What? Sometimes, like if you have good things, you wouldn't appreciate them as much if you didn't go through hardships to attain them. What?

Dude. What? Dude. And Kanye. What the fuck? No. You'd be too powerful. You'd be too powerful, dude.

Do not. Come ahead, dude. Toss it on. Behold. No, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What were you calling, Kanye? Throw it on.

Throw it on, dude. I'm not Kanye, dude. I'm not him. I'm not him. Dude, I read it. I read a... I was reading an artwork. For some reason, I canceled the Atlantic.

They still send me shit. There was a guy... Their new thing now is saying that January 6th was just a warm-up, bro. Yeah, I've heard this. This was... Lamar, you'd actually dig this take from the Atlantic. So they're saying... So basically, they're saying democracy's going to die.

Everyone's saying democracy's dying. Democracy's flickering out. And the reason it's... Because of the white... Was it ever really alive? Bro, dig this. This is the... This is the staff writer.

Get this... Dig this. This is the staff writer from Atlantic. Democracy's dying because the right is afraid of it in, like, an imaginary sense. What? Oh, man. This is the deepest podcast we've ever fucking done. That was...

I'm reading the thing and I was just like, dude, are you fucking serious? He's like, and it's dying because the right thinks it's dying when it's not, but that is dying now. It's like, bro, are you guys fucking serious with stuff? I'm gonna punch some of these guys in the belly. I'm not in for physical violence, but there's a couple guys in the... Not even punch them. Just hold them down.

Give them a strawberry on their belly. Yeah. Just let them know who's boss, but in a fun, ticklish way. Maybe a British bulldog. Run from behind them. Grab their head and jump. No violence, but strawberries. Yeah, I would catch them.

And I wouldn't rock them. I'd catch them. Did you give them a strawberry? Oh, for sure. Is a strawberry like when you hit them like this? No, no, no. It's a rabbit punch. With you.

There you go. Isn't that a strawberry? See how it makes you feel? It makes you laugh. True. Giving strawberries is very funny. Tickling them would be nice. You can give them strawberries.

Yeah, she laughs. Yeah. Very hard. It makes me feel good. Yeah, if you give a baby one on their belly, dude, they're pretty excited about this. And then there's other places you can give them strawberries, and that's funny. Am I your girlfriend? Yes.

When it's your girlfriend. When it's your lady lover. No, dude, I would playboy and just be giving out pussy strawberries every day. Well, that was the joke I was kind of insinuating. I know. Do you? I'm sorry. Can I eat the rest of this edible?

Yeah, do it. Do it. Munch it up. Please do. Munch it up. I wasn't being critical of you there. Yeah, we're just messing around. You're telling me if I'm sad, it's only going to make me happier once I'm happy.

Yes. You ever listen to, damn, I'm slipping. I'm falling. I can't. Yeah, dude. I had this revelation about fifth grade school bus just looking out the window. It's like, damn, dude, I'm so down right now. It's going to get better, though.

Dude, this is the first breakup where my girlfriend, like, lived. You live together? No, like, like, survived. Oh, yeah, you had that girl. La Mer was so close to getting the elusive sex one time, and a girl fucking died. Oh, God, man. Which was pretty, not no offense to her or you, but it was funny from an onlookers' perspective, because the whole time we were friends, we were always cheering on La Mer

to finally have sex. And finally it was going to happen, and God needed her back. God needed his angel. God needed his angel. Did you know she was dying? Yeah. No, it was sudden. She was like, did she know she was dying?

No, dude, it was very sudden. Like an accident? No, like she had pancreatitis, and she would go to the hospital back and forth, but they would just send her home and, like, goop their drink. Yeah. What? Yeah. So you guys were full on, like, faulting the stars.

Yeah, dude, yeah. And you honor her now by making jokes about her. Oh, my God. I don't like this new La Mer, dude. You got too many colors. He has fucking pus fluenza, dude. Yeah, you definitely have fucking pus fluenza. Dude, just warped my brain, dude.

Who's more of a big shot now? You or Sean? What do you mean? Who's the big time shot collar? People fucking love Sean, dude. Yeah, they love Sean. Yeah. Who's the biggest shot collar in Philadelphia right now?

That's a good question. Gardini or La Mer? La Mer. No. Not me, dude. Who's the top dog in the scene? Be honest. Joe Murdoch.

Joe Murdoch. Joe Murdoch. Murdoch is king. Who else? Who's the true king? Naeem? You fuck you up. I've already beaten Naeem.

I've already slayed him. Oh, yeah. How'd you slay Naeem? I slayed Naeem. La Mer tapped out Naeem. What? In a wrestling match in Sydney's kid's playroom. That's pretty big.

Naeem's strong. It was pretty big, too. Yeah, it was like 30 minutes, wasn't it, La Mer? Yeah, it was a while. Oh. He just outlasted him. That's great. Yeah.

True. Damn, he hit him with the Mark Henry. Fuck it, man. You're sexual chocolate. You slay a lot. But we're supposed to box. He's a boxer. That's not going to be good.

No, it's not going to be good. He's a 14-year-old. It's going to hurt a lot. He's definitely going to want to box you after beating him at wrestling. Yeah, he's going to tag you in the belly a lot. The body shots are going to hurt so bad. You've got to get a slow-mo cam for that. That's what I was thinking of.

That was my big joke, was running to get concessions and money. Hilarious. Hilarious. So good I didn't want to tell you. It's hilarious. I had other stuff. Hilarious. I had a lot.

YouTube guy in the Uber, that was rough. Yeah, it fucking stinks. Oh, yesterday I had to drive my lady to the airport at like 6 a.m. I had to drive to Baltimore. I was ticked. Oh. Yeah, I had to drive three hours in the morning. I kind of offered that to her as like a thing, and she called my bluff.

She was like, yeah, I'll just do that. I'll fly out of BWI. I was like, great. I can't wait. But it allowed me to go to my favorite bagel shop in McKinney-Expert. Wrestlers bagel. Got a nice breakfast sandwich. But while I was driving around McKinney-Expert, I realized it's just geezers driving around

at this time. It's just geezers and losers. What time is this? It's fucking 9 or like 10 a.m. Once everybody's gotten to work, and the geezers come out, and dude, they're driving. Like, I was watching them driving for me. Like, I think they look like fucking cadavers. Yeah.

It was fucking insane. And then the next car would be a dude with like a hoodie. I was like, just a loser. So it's just losers and geezers driving around. That's a tough road condition for sure. That's road conditions are wild. That's actually very tough. No one's looking.

Dude, I had to lead a geezer to the Verizon store recently. What happened? I pulled up. I was food shopping out near my parents' house, and this lady was just parked sideways in like four spots. So I was like, are you all right, dude? Like 95 years old. It's fucking crazy.

I was like, are you all right? And she was like, I'm trying to get to the Verizon store. And apparently, I was like, oh, that one's closed. And she was like, she had MapQuest. Printed? Printed directions. And I was like, you got to go down to Delaware. Also, you know what?

You're in 2004. I was like, do you have your phone? Dude, she busted out a flip phone. And I was like, fuck. And I was like, so I was like, just go down 202 South all the way down. She was looking at me. I'm like, do you want to just follow me? She's like, yes, please.

So I assumed she was going to be slow. Dude, she was, she put on for her people, dude. Really? She was driving fast as hell. I was like, dude, you don't have to do this. She was fucking. Dude, they fly. She went ahead of Buick Tesla, dude.

She was moving. My dad got my mom a Buick Le Sabre once. That's a surprise. She was like, I want a new car. He got her a used beige, dude, beige Buick Le Sabre. She cried. What's that drift song? She cried.

My dad was like, I got your car. She came outside and just started sobbing. She was like, who the fuck is this for? Dude, it was one of those that had like, you could fit like four in the front seat. They're the best. They are the best. Dude, I want one. I like heavy fucking car, dude.

If you accelerate, it's like a boat. Literally in the front. I got accused of self-gift. He probably likes, if your dad's like you and I, alpha as hell, he loves bench seats up front. Bench seats up front. It's alpha as front. Bench seats up front. I got accused of self-gifting.

I bought my mom a book, Living Buddha, Living Christ in Britain. He's like, your mom doesn't want to read about Buddha. I'm like, dude, it'll be good for her. She always gives self-gifts. I'm just giving people stuff they might like. I don't fucking know. Yeah. It's good to give people gifts and be like, you should be more like me.

You know what I was thinking for you? Why don't you change to be a little more like me? I thought it'd be good to open up her spiritual horizons, dude. It's nice. You know? I was telling Brittany, she's like, you always do that. You think whatever you like, everyone else likes. It's like, it's called autism.

It's called autism. I had my family Christmas party this weekend. The entire family is in full noted anger. The entire family. There was 30 people here. There was a whole decked out note. There wasn't even a Notre Dame game. It was nothing.

It was crazy. Every gift, every gift was a Notre Dame gear. It was all generic Notre Dame gear. God damn. It was crazy. Just recycling. It was a pep rally. It was a pep rally.

It's always a pep rally. You guys had a pep on you. We were a pep. We were like, are we going to be no-go mistake or what? Yeah. What happened to the car, by the way? The Buick, she drove it for like seven years. Dude, might.

Dude, might. It was great until she got upgraded to a beige Buick set. What the fuck was it? Like the SUV? Yeah. The Rendezvous. That's right. That thing was nice.

That's nice. That was nice. The Rendezvous was tight. My dad, one time for Christmas, bought my mom a set of pots and pans. She was upset. It was pretty disrespectful. She was pissed. I got nothing.

My mom, my mom, oh, again, remember last time it was fucking I paused my game for this? Yeah. They've done it again. They had to be a pair of aviators, Notre Dame aviators. They had the Notre Dame logo on the aviators. She was like, you'd wear these, right? I was like, never. Never one.

Dude, those are stunning. I got Notre Dame aviators and Notre Dame socks. Really? Multi-colored blue and yellow. I left them at home. Yes, you did. I left them at home. Why, dude?

You're such an ingrate. Just bring them. I'm not a fucking ingrate. Bring them. I have no room in my suitcase for crap like that. You absolutely do. I've seen your suitcase. What's in there?

One pair of jeans. True. It is one pair of jeans. One pair of jeans. Four black shirts. Yeah, just hoodies. These are the losers that meet each other. It's like a symbiotic relationship.

It is. True. The losers just go around and hoodwink for these. You ever fuck around with one of those 55 plus communities? No. There's always like a loser kid that lives in the 55 plus because they can't fly the coop. They have to make the adjustment.

55 and plus, but you have to make a clause like M will take like two of your loser kids. But there's always loser kids kicking around. I was driving into my neighborhood. I was thinking about like how nice it would be to be a loser kid. Oh, yeah. Like just like driving into my neighborhood being like nice. I'm home in this sick ass house. I get to just play video games in the basement.

Yeah, but no, we're talking like into your 40s. Dinner's made for me. You get dinner every night. Dude, I don't pay rent. You just munch and then get to go lay and watch movies. Mommy kisses you every night. No, mommy and daddy don't like you. But they don't have enough self-respect to kick you out.

I would go to the room like three in the morning and be like, Mom, I'm having an existential crisis. Can I sleep with you guys? Mom, I'm fucking through. Mom, I'm having anxiety about my life choices. Can I sleep with you guys? Yeah. Sleeping on the floor in your parents' room when you're 48.

Imagine having a panic attack as an adult is going to write in your parents' room and be like, ah, nice. It is laying down. It's just us. Oh, this makes me feel better. Move over, dad. We're going to have to have our parents. Our parents are going to have to live with us.

I'd love that. I'm going to do that, I think. Unless it's my mom. I'll let Phil live. Phil could chill. I almost got bursitis when I pushed up. Fuck you. That's a parent.

He almost got bursitis. He almost got tennis elbow, dude. Dude, he was pissed. You talking about your mom that way? How dare you talk about your mom that way? Fire me up, dude. Yeah, it feels good. Are you getting mad?

That's a power, dude. I'm at a turning points rally. Here it comes. All right, ladies and gentlemen, your next speaker, Kyle Rittenhouse. I'm talking about mansion, too, dude. You fuck with mansion? Good morning, Joe. Is that about mansion?

At the family Christmas, yes, I support mansion. Obviously, mansion rules. There's one lady in my family who's very, very liberal. And this was the Gillis family Christmas party. So she was in a den of full-on Trumpers. Like dudes that were like, fuck that. Fuck the mask. Fuck vaccines.

And she came in, wore a mask the whole time, called my 1A white supremacist. And she came in swinging at this. Like fought everybody. What the fuck? It was great. And then she brought a black Santa doll. So that certain family members could feel represented. She brought that into my parents' house.

I've never seen a lady put on a clinic like that. It was awesome. She just came in and fought. How big was the black Santa? It was a doll. It was a Santa doll. And she was like, this way, everyone feels included. And everyone was like, all right.

What the fuck? And she was like, yeah, you fucking white supremacist. She was swinging. She came in swinging. What kind of flak did she get in return? Just a lot of secrets and whispers behind her back. A lot of stern. She got a gut felt it, dude.

Oh, the whole family. Every Gillis member in there, full no-name gear. Somebody was like, you need to wear a mask. Everyone in there was like. She brought the lib tornado. She did. She brought the lib story. I actually sided with her and started going around fighting with her.

Good move. But she doesn't like me. What? She turns a beautiful 19. Ever since SNL. You guys tried to fight it? Ever since SNL. Not a fan.

She was not a fan of my work. How'd you take your support? She didn't even acknowledge that. I kept calling up me like, hey, what's going on? Yeah, you got to get the vaccine. I got it. I live in New York, you know. What's her relation?

What's the relation? Her, she's married to my dad's brother. So she used to bitch in law. Yeah, but you got to give her credit. Yeah, no, she fucking badassed. She came in and fought. The Atlantic writer was saying in 2024, there's a good chance that like, if you see like a Democrat neighbor, their house will get stormed and they'll get like kicked out of the neighborhood.

They were saying in 2024, what's going to happen is if the election goes the wrong way, Republicans will definitely storm any like blue signage. They'll start ripping people. Like, get out of my neighborhood. So that's coming. And then liberals will, if anything, like storm like Trump's golf course, not anyone's personal property. Trump's only Trump's golf course.

I'm reading this like, dude, you guys are crazy. 2024, it's all going to happen. Or we'll just become Russia. No, we won't. They need strawberries. We're going to become China. They do need strawberries, bro. Just hold them down.

Stop, stop. Come on, dude. I want to pee, stop. Yeah, that's, that is good for that lady to come in swinging like that. It's nice to show up to a party and be like, I'm going to fuck everyone in here. I'm fighting everyone in here. Also, too, if you like, imagine going to a place and I, maybe she was, you know, using hyperbole, but like to be like, all right, I'm going to a party full of white supremacists.

Yeah. I mean, like, she must have believed it enough that she called someone that to their face. Yeah. Or like Biggie Smalls. She wasn't joking. She wasn't joking. Oh, no. She wasn't being like you fucking white supremacists.

Strictly business. Sure. You don't joke about white supremacy. No, you don't. You're right. People don't like those types of gags. I'm going to attack my fam. Fuck, my parents went to Florida for this Christmas.

Fuck. They left us. My mom left us. What are you going to do? I'm going to go to my Aunt Kathy's on Christmas Eve. That'll be fun. But my mom, I asked my mom what she wanted. She was like, just donate money to the like abortion law fund or whatever.

So I have to fund the abortion law from my mom. You're going to do that? Yes. My mom's wishes. I want to fund the abortion law. I don't like that. My mommy trumps everything, dude. How would your family react?

How would your family react to Black Santa? They wouldn't care. Everybody would be pumped. Yeah. Yeah. Wouldn't care. Okay. Okay.

No, everybody, no one, that's the thing. No one in my family was like upset. Everyone was just like, okay. Yeah. All right. Great. This is a long term play though, because like what Santa comes out next year, you know, like we're having people over, we got to put the Black Santa out.

I like it. I like having one white, one Black Santa. We have Black Santa on a Christmas tree. I like to segregate the Santa. True. This one only goes to Black houses. White houses. I should be doing a predator handshake.

Yes. You're exactly right. And Black Santa has white elves. True that. Yeah. And White Santa has Black elves. Also known as orcs. And he makes them work.

Dude, this is a crap you're not trying to see, dude. What? She's going to hear that. He jokes that Black elves are orcs. Dude, how dare you, dude, shame. Brittany hit me. We were watching Lord of the Rings and we were like, you know, you're watching it and all of a sudden like the orcs come and she was like, okay.

She's like, the bad guys are just Black people. Yeah. They all look like Serena Williams. Bullshit. She's a beautiful, bro. She's a beautiful woman. So are the orcs. How do you know I'm not attracted to orcs?

You're sexual, dude. I am. No, or a guy. Or a guy. I'm thinking the or a guy. No, the orcs. Or a guy. Or a guy, yes.

Who's the or a guy? The or a guy. I mean, I didn't get that. I didn't get that. The or a guy. I didn't get that part yet. Have you watched episode one? Yeah.

Those are the orca. Yeah. I've seen. I've seen one of the people like the or plus. Yeah. Or pluses. Yeah, dude. It looks like alpha.

Yeah. Yeah. Those are clearly just and the elves are the whitest people of all time. Oh, dude. Just white with long hair. New England. Firing fucking bone airs. They have like a rabble of Black dudes with like machetes.

Like, we're going to get in there. No. No, you can't. This is a hemp rope. You can't get our stuff. We're the lord of the ring. Oh, so pretty. I'm like, no, they're white.

They just have like mud and shit. It's war paint. It's war paint. No, clearly they're the only Black people in. I mean, it's without a doubt. It's war paint, dude. They really fucked that up. But those sci-fi guys love that.

Like Jar Jar Binks. Yeah. I love costing them. I stand for Jar Jar Binks, dude. Yeah. What's wrong with that? I don't understand what's wrong with Jar Jar Binks. Just some slave.

He's not a slave. He's not a slave. He's not a slave, dude. Oh, we's are going to go over there. He's not a slave, dude. He's not a slave. He's Jamaican and he's in the High Council. I like Jar Jar Binks.

Jar Jar Binks is not a slave, though. In what? Star Wars? Okay, I'm a dude. He's not a slave. This is a fucking man, dude. Jar Jar Binks loony tunes the bunch of people to death, dude. True.

Yes, he does kill robots and stuff by falling down. That's badass. Is this Star Wars? Yeah. This is episode one, dude. Not episode four, episode one. Is this when girls started writing Star Wars? Yeah, this is when they went back and started to ruin it.

Then they got one of those like 28 point fucking Star Wars movies. You know what sucks? I find myself doing this. I go back and watch the end of Rogue One a lot when Darth Vader goes through and kills everybody. That was pretty sick. Why did they not? Why couldn't they do that for the rest?

That was the coolest Star Wars thing. All the new episodes. Why couldn't they make them cool like that? Like episode one, two and three is the best like trilogy. Like if you watch all of them like as one thing, it would like have the best arc. Like which one? The Anakin? Episode one, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Revenge of the Sith. That's my favorite one. Yeah. That's the one. I'm glad we all are in agreement here. Country needs to agree more, dude. Country needs to agree.

Yeah, that is absolutely best. Look at this. Get this on camera. How do you like this? America? Liberals hate this, dude. Liberals hate stuff like this. It's 2024.

It's all coming down. It's all coming to a head, dude. Who are you going to vote for in 24? Manchin. I don't know, bro. Dude, I like the way Manchin rolls. Dude, they're coming at him for spiking that like billion dollar or whatever it is. Trillion.

Trillion dollar. I think it's 1.7 trillion BBBs. He spiked BBBs, dude. And anytime they get a quote from him, he's like, let me tell you something. I'm from West Virginia. Yeah. I'm here from West Virginia. You don't worry about stuff like that.

Everything he talks about is just West Virginia. He's actually me at first, dude. He's dubbed me first. I support that. Dude, everything. Is that Meddler's tweet? What? It was great.

She was like, oh, sorry that you're from fucking piece of shit, West Virginia, where everybody's a junkie and a fucking loser. It was like, yo, dumbass. Yo, that's Country Mountains. Country roads. That's good. Yeah, close. Mountain mountains, dude.

Mountain mountains, mamas. What? Yo. Yo, dude. Did you put fentanyl in all those cookies? You guys are cookies. You feel good off that cookie? I'm feeling, I'm feeling nice.

What do you think the funniest thing is that you can even think of? Yeah. John Denver, dude. They said, that's the guy that's Country Roads. Yeah. John Denver. What's the funniest thing right now? Yeah, think about it like a dog.

What's the ultimate joke? Are you like dogs? No, I think. Are dogs funny? Dude, I watched a video of a blind dog the other day. What was he up to? I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. What was he up to? He was in the car just like trying to get to the park. He like, he didn't know he was going to the park. His head was out the window. He was blind and his fucking.

He could smell it? Yeah. And his tail started wagging. I was like, oh shit. His dog's fucking height. He got. So he knew he was going to the park. He could smell the park.

He got fired up. That's a delightful thing. That's not funny. That's just a sweet, nice thing. Oh. And you know, the dog wouldn't have enjoyed it so much if his life wasn't very difficult. I heard that. He wasn't blind.

Do you know when you're like, when you lose one sense, your other senses are heightened? Yeah. You ever think about that? Here's a quote. We owe the mayor. What would you rather do? Have no legs or be blind? All right.

Okay. No legs because then I could get Tesla legs. Sorry. Get some Tesla legs. Put my torso on one of those Tesla butts, dude. What about no legs and no hands or be blind? But you can get, you can get like loose Skywalker hands. Yeah.

I'm not sure. That seems like an easy way out of this because I mean, I think you still got to go no legs and hands. So you can't ever get blind. Blind sucks. Yeah. Blind stuff, bro. Blind sucks.

You can't fix blind. Yeah. I think they will hopefully soon because that's the worst one. Yeah. Blind sucks. What about deaf is funny? There's a lot of guys that are blind and don't have any fucking legs. That's true.

That stinks. That's gotta be kind of chill though. Just you're just fine. By the way, how much do you think they fucking love music? Oh my God. Just no legs, blind. Just some headphones on. This is what it's about.

I was, dude, when I'm watching LOTR we had the subtitles on and it's whenever they play music, it's just three musical notes. And this guy, you got to be, I was wondering about deaf people to see and those be like, oh, they're playing that thing called music. Hmm. Hmm. Interesting. I wonder if deaf people can feel music.

That's a good point. You did some crash test dummies on them. There was this blind guy. If you're blind and deaf, you're diabetic. I mean, if you're blind and don't have legs, you're diabetic. Yeah. Or a veteran. You have some fucking respect, bro.

Or a diabetic veteran. True that. The ultimate sacrifice. Diabetic vet? Yeah. We're a fucking man in the sugar fields in NAMM. Get out of here. Let's talk about this breakup, bro.

You seem pretty broken up, dude. Yeah, you seem different, dude. You seem pretty broken up. It's never going to come back. What the fuck? Dude, relax. Dude. It's never going to come back?

Yeah. Who's the new girl? Who are you looking at? There's no new girl. No, but do you want a new girl? What type? I know you said Indian. There's no names.

No names. No names, dude. Just bluesy. Just fucking. Yeah. I'm trying to get some pills. Playboy. I'm trying to get some milk and pills.

I'm trying to get some cuddles, dude. I need some fucking... Yeah, you're a big guy. I'd be nice to cuddle with you. Girls are like cuddling with me. Yeah. Not until he fucking turns around and breaks your goddamn heart. Yeah, bit of a heartbreaker.

You got to leave. I got to get up. Damn. That's the heartbreak right there. You got to leave. I got to get up. It's a heartbreak hotel, dude. Yeah, baby.

It's 2 p.m. I got to get up. I got to go watch Yu-Gi-Oh. And then go to an open mic and bully losers. I don't do that, dude. Yeah, you do. I see you out there. I'm no bully.

I'm no bully, dude. There's no bully. No bully? He's a good guy. There's no bullies? There probably should be more bullies. There's no bully. Yeah.

There should be more bullies. Sonya's a bully. Is she? Sonya's a bit of a bully. That's funny here. You guys got to get the bees back out there. True. Bees just come down and crack skulls.

He still does sometimes. Bees have been flowing around. Yeah. Yeah. Saw him last weekend. Yeah. After we hung out. Yeah.

Bees is doing stand-up tonight on my show. Speak of the devil's text, man. Oh, no. Oh, dude. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know if this is true or not. Someone told me they used to hang out with Kyle's brother.

And his nickname is Leche Sweet. Leche Sweet, dude. Sweet milk. Because he would end conversations rather than saying bye, he would go, sweet. Sweet. Sweet.

And Leche, he said something about like big boobs and milk. Milkers. Yeah. They call him Leche Sweet. Necesitamos Leche. And he'd be like this. Mama.

Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Necesitamos Leche. And he'd be like this. Mama. All right, guys.

Sweet. And he would leave. That's a fucking great nickname. Sickest nickname. Leche Sweet. Leche Sweet. Leche Sweet. The sickest fucking nickname ever.

Well, Jeremy, if you had a high school, if nickname based off the, when you were talking about big titties and like the last thing, and the thing you would say like as your salutation, what would you, what would your name be? Bye, Sweet Tooth. Sweet Tooth.

Dude, I saw on the ground today, I saw six gummy burgers. Somebody dropped, somebody dropped six gummy burgers. In the wrappers? Yes. All in the wrappers. They're so good.

There's dude, and they were like, I thought someone was trying to trap me. One, then like two, then up a driveway, like two more. Oh, that was a trap.

I think it was a trap. That was a trap. Six packaged gummy burgers. Trying to catch a young La Mer. Dude, what would you do if you ran into those gummy burgers? Like what? Six packaged gummy burgers. I would have walked right up to the driveway.

Yeah. I would have followed it like that. You would have been in a net. I'm like, hey. That was a scene that didn't show from Get Out, dude. Just gummy burgers. Just Krabby Patties. Gummy Krabby Patties in the street.

Those are so good, dude. I like gummy treats. Oh yeah, I've been back on, I've been back on my bullshit. You're off a keto. Ben. Ben off keto. Keto is a two-day experience.

That's true. I run keto until I drop eight pounds in one day. Nice. And then have diarrhea the next day. And then I'm back on my bullshit. I'm like, all right, mission accomplished. Oh yeah, you were gastrointestinely challenged. I was.

You put the hex on me. I'm sorry for that. I had diarrhea of constipation myself. It might have been on the Chrom, bro. It might have, it could have been on the Chroms. It could have been. I was back on sweet treats. Yes.

I haven't had, I usually don't eat sweet treats. But my mom and dad had a Christmas party, so there was copious sweet treats. Sweet treats can lead to some wonderful issues. You're talking gummy burgers, gummy worms, salad with the colors. No gummies. We're not talking numbies.

Man. What, you think I'm a fool? Of course I know you're kidding. We had Tommy made us cheesecake. Oh. Tommy's an exceptional cook. It was some of the finest cheesecake I've ever had. Yep.

And I'm not much of a cheesecake guy. But when it's done right, I mean, Mama Mia. True. And some peanut butter chocolate cake from La Casteve. The wops, we had to hire the wops to come in and make us sausage peppers and beef stroganoff.

I had beef stroganoff. What is beef stroganoff? It's just beef and egg noodles. That's awesome. It was the best. I literally had beef stroganoff, six straight meals. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner, stroganoff.

Yeah, that was definitely what happened to my stomach. Yeah, that's the liquid diet. My stomach got fucked up. Brittany used to make tetrazine. And I would eat that for like three days straight. It's the same thing. Yeah. Your stomach just like, all right, let's try this again.

Shane, did you ever think when the first skill is like touchdown on Ellis Island that his like Irish can will be being fed by some wops? Oh yeah. We dreamt of this. Yeah. Someday. Someday we're all going to be sitting around

being fed by wops. And that is the goal. That's everybody's goal. That's true. Absolutely. Got to keep them busy in the kitchen. Otherwise they get bad ideas. Otherwise they get terrible ideas.

They get bad ideas. I watched Cassini. Keep them away from sports, bro. I haven't seen him in a while. Bad wops, dude. Bad wops and Jews. The Jews and the wops link up. That does go to my original theory that Italians are just

dumb Jews. Casino is the perfect representation. They're vulture. So there's a wop and then there's a Jew. And the Jew's like, we got to chill. Be careful. Here's how we're making all the money in the wops. Like, I'm just going to hit everybody in the head.

And he's like, no, don't do that. You're going to fuck up the money. And I'm like, you don't tell me what to do. I'm going to hit everyone in the head. I'm the boss. Yeah. So the wop eventually ruins it. And I don't know if you remember.

The wop and his brother get beat to death by other wops. Yeah. With baseball bats in front of each other. Good classic pride. Did you ever see the movie? Is it Gamora? That movie about Italy? Yeah.

That's just wops back stabbing each other for like two hours straight. They're jerks. Hey, I finally got it. And then some guy's like, yeah. My brother, how can you? And then it's like, I'm the big guy now. And the cousin's like, yeah.

That's it. Every time. I thought you were loyal. Loyalty's important. Is there a mob movie that doesn't end like that? You'll be nice to make a happy ending mob movie. Oh, he's not. Scarface is Cuban and he does get shot in the back.

No. After killing his best friend. Starface gets shot 10 toes down in the front, dude. What? He's like 10 toes. So I can stand tall when he gets killed. Yeah, but he gets killed. Yeah.

And he's a drug addict. I'm so mad that you said he gets shot 10 toes. Yeah, is that what you learned? Dude, that's Playboy talk. I hate this. I hate this. New LeMan. 10 toes down.

Jesus Christ. He was selling drugs, cocaine and murdering people. He murdered his sister's love. Doesn't he kill his sister there at the end? He kills everybody. Does he kill her? No, she lives. No, I thought she got killed as well.

Yeah. How does she die? I think by the FBI. She tried to kill him at one point. Yes. I love you so much. He kind of wanted to fuck his sister, which, by the way, makes sense. That is a very common WAP theme, although this was...

That was just Al Pacino, his WAP coming out. He probably demanded that being a script. Can you please stop trying to fuck your sister? That's not part of it. She has a small beard. Nobody else should love her but me. He's like, no, no, no, it's script's all wrong. Yeah.

I hate my sister's beautiful. She was hot as fucking that. You remember her sister in Scarface? Yeah, man. I hope she wasn't too young. Now that I'm thinking back, I haven't seen it in a while. I bet she was a young lady in that. I bet she was a young woman in that feature film.

If your sister was hot, would you keep your bloodlines strong? No. LeMan, what the hell? Sex with my sister? Dude, I don't know, dude. She was fucking like crazy hot. No. No?

No, you wouldn't. If you had a sister, you'd understand. I don't have a sister. I'm sorry, dude. I'm sorry. You wouldn't have sex with your sister, right? You gotta stop the pornography, bro. I'm telling you and this isn't me being like, oh, don't watch porn or anything.

I just, I can't watch it anymore. It's too ridiculous. I watched it today. It's too fucking ridiculous, bro. It was great. I turned it off. It was a nice, chetchin' porn. Really?

Nice, chetchin' prostitute. It goes into a van. The boy's better. She has fun. What is the problem here? This was just a, it was like an arched, I guess there's a subgenre of arched backs, so like chicks and dogs out arching their backs, but the whole time the dude- That's cool as hell.

Yeah, dude, but it's like, when it's presented as like that specific thing, I don't know, that was like whatever, but it was like a 45-year-old dude just fucking like, huh, huh. I was like, yeah, fuck it. Yeah, that's no good. I can't see this guy like actively enjoying himself. Yeah. And he was like, it was weird, dude. Flexing a little.

He was like tanned, yeah, like when male porn stars take too good of care of themselves, it kind of fucks me up. It's just kind of like, dude, this isn't about you at all. Yeah. Get out of here. But I do want to see you rail the shit out of this lady. Yeah, like- So I'd like to see you in some type of-

Just something, bro. Yeah. But he was trying to steal the scene and it was like, the whole thing was like, this is too ridiculous. I don't know, I get just kind of like, ugh. There's nothing wrong with that. It's too much for me. There's nothing wrong with porn.

Porn's bad. You are right about it. It's getting weirder. I have fun watching it. I want to, dude. I want to have fun. I don't like- I mean, I don't like sit down and look at it.

But I have five minutes. I'll fire one off. I'll go about my business. Pure maintenance, bro. I was getting the fucking- I was getting like, cum cramps. Right on like my right side. And I was like, I just got to get this out of me before I start my day.

But now that I have a lady, I like to save it up for her. Save up my seed two, three days. It's the best. No fap and then you enjoy sex with her. Yeah. Otherwise, it's like a fucking monotonous hellish chore. No. I'm just kidding.

She listens to this. She's gonna hate me. No, you got to save it up. But sometimes you save it up and then it's just for whatever reason, say your wife's pregnant or whatever, you miss. It's just not happening. And it could be like a week or so. Then you get to whack off after a save up, which is such a victory.

That's what you do. Yes. But I'm telling you, for me- That's fun, dude. They are fun, but they become- If you save up too much, it's almost pleasureless. Literally just kind of being like, you just get it out of yourself. Oh, this is crazy.

But it's not bad. I'll go a couple of days without realizing it. Then on the third day, I'll be like, oh, nice. I get to have a sweet treat today. I get to explode salmon. Mine's now expanded now. I get to fucking explode and launch. That's seven days for me now.

Really? I hold it in for like seven days, me showering and being like, ah. Really? Goddamn. You get like a- Dude, I'm used to fucking firing them off. There's a prick in my head. That body's not used to all this goddamn cum.

My body's kind of like, what the hell's going on over here? Yeah. I've been trying to retain it just because of the Omicron, bro. I want to retain all my vitamins and stuff. That's true. Omicron can't be cum. Dude, if you store all your cum up, dude, there's no way. I actually thought about that.

I've been getting a lot of mucus. I'm like, is my cum turning into mucus and it's coming out of my nose? It's pretty cum-like. Cum is a mucus. Cum is a mucus. Of course. It's a mucus membrane. Viscous.

It's very viscous, dude. But if someone comes into a sink, you'd know they didn't hawk a luger. Maybe. Huh? They would be eating the sink. Yeah, they get the water slugs. Yeah, true. Yeah, cum is like the navy seals of the viscous.

It needs to be hydrophilia. No, phobic, actually. It's like... Dude, how about that? How about that? Shout out to whoever sent us that. Very faithful listener, dude. Sent us a shirt signed by the guy who slayed Bin Laden.

Apparently, this is an autographed shirt. Autographed military shirt. Apparently, it's autographed by the guy who killed Osama Bin Laden. He looks over us. The operator, bro. He's a smooth operator. The operator. Let me tell you something.

Recently, actually, yeah, you got kicked off. Delta. Apparently, removed from Delta. I looked up. I was like, who is this guy? I looked him up. He took a picture of his face without a mask on Delta being like, I'm not a pussy. And Delta fucking kicked him off.

Delta barred him from flying. I got another interesting factoid today as well. I was looking up. Remember the guy from the St. Lunatics who has the... Yeah. Murphy Lee. It's not Murphy Lee, dude. I thought it was Murphy Lee, too.

It's... Do you know it? Don't tell me. It's a little flip. It's not a little flip. No, no, no. It's in the St. Lunatics. You're right.

You're not going to guess it. I thought it was Murphy Lee. I am going to get it. I love this guy, dude. He's got a fucking silly string. He's got a wild man. Do you know his name? Yes, I do.

Hold on. Tell the story about him. I'll think on his name. Okay. So he's pissed, dude. He didn't get cut in... It's not Murphy Lee. Hold on.

He didn't get cut in on the pie. I'll read the quote from his fucking thing. It's so funny. So basically, what's up? You found it? Yeah, dude. So, damn, I can't find the article I had. What is it?

Slowdown. Slowdown? Slowdown. Oh, I would have never got that. Slowdown. It's City Spud. It's Slowdown, bro. Slowdown.

With a half mask? With a fan of the opera? In the silly string? Silly string? No, it is Slowdown. Slowdown, bro. Slowdown. Slowdown.

Yeah, man. That's him. Yeah. Slowdown. Dude, this is... Someone asked him, like, you know, so, like, how did that whole thing play out? This is the response. I'm like, fuck around and get emotional talking about how the money was getting split up.

Shit was crazy. Motherfuckers was eating and I wasn't one of them. I was snacking. That's great. I was lunching, having lunch every now and then. Motherfuckers was having four course meals and I didn't have shit to do with shit. City Spud. Damn.

So they go on to the article and he's like, yeah, I didn't rap. Yeah, I didn't make any of the music, but I was absolutely indispensable to the hype I provided. He was. He was just a hype man, dude. He's one of the most memorable thing about the St. Louis. He got no money. He was a fan of a black opera.

He was. He really was. Yeah. Yeah. He got apparently never got slowed down. They were eating, bro. He was snacking. Imagine how pissy beef you're just snacking while everyone was eating.

Four course meals. You're eating lunch, dude. I was eating four course meals. You gotta think about the St. Lunatics. Nelly's the head right there, dude. So when they would do a gig, Nelly would take half and he'd give the other half to the rest of the Lunatics. To the St. Lunatics.

And then the St. Lunatics. It's actually pretty fair. Very fair. It's generous. And then the St. Lunatics would go to slow down and be like, here's like 50 bucks. I don't know. Slow down with piss, bro. Imagine snacking, dude.

I'm so good with them looking some muck. McDonald's. That was me doing slow down. It's crazy, man. Normally you're on top of your game. This is wild. Yeah, man. Yeah, I don't fucking know, dude.

Swing bad about it. Swing bad about it. Swing bad around. I'm the first to swing with that homerun. Hit me with your God thing. High wing. Fuck a duck. Maybe not because I got something.

Swing bad about it. Huh? Hey, bro. Murphy Lee. Was it Murphy Lee first up front? Shake your tail, father. It was Murphy Lee as well. I think that's, I think that was Murphy Lee.

I think he was first at batter. You might have been doing his first. He ruled, bro. I guess about D12. I used to like D12. That failed hard. That was... Yeah, it did fail.

That failed pretty hard. They were tight. Purple Hills was awesome. That was tight. Yeah, that was like it. Fight, fight, fight, fight. There was that one fat guy. My bad.

Bizarre. Bizarre was the only one to kind of... No, what's his name? Proof. Proof was good. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Then he's deceased.

Well, we've reached that part of the show. We talk about... Where I think it's done. Dead Rappers, yeah. Where the show has reached its final conclusion. Woo. It's pretty good, man. That's not...

Also, speaking of St. Louis, you guys can catch me there. January 7th and 8th. That's why I was looking up St. Louis facts. January 7th and 8th. St. Louis facts. Helium.com. Are you going to go to the arch? Yeah, I'm going to go to the fucking arch.

Are you kidding me? You'd be surprised. Yeah. I've been there twice. Never went to the arch. I don't leave. I don't really leave. I don't care that far.

But yeah, I'll be... Go to Helium. Go to my Instagram. There's like... Yeah. Stuff. Click the tickets. Go to Matt's show in St. Louis or...

Or... On New Year's, if you live in California, come to the Irvine Improv and celebrate the New Year with me. Ring it in. That'll be nice. Whatever you have left. Yeah. This could be it.

Someone was asking about Northern California. They're asking Northern Cali. Yeah. I don't fuck with no cow, dude. No, I was just there. I was over there with Louis. I did shows. Then, January 6th, 7th, and 8th in the Big Apple, Caroline's on Broadway.

Come to that. That'll be big. That's going to sell out. So hurry up. Buy tickets for that if you can. 6th, 7th, and 8th, Caroline's on Broadway. And then the 13th, 14th, and 15th of January, come to Tacoma, Washington. The Tacoma Comedy Club.

LaMare, what do you got? Oh, fucking City Winery at January 26th. Come to that. Show me. You're doing Sam. Day before my birthday, bro. Yeah. It's kind of jacked up.

I don't know. It was just my birthday. You didn't even say happy birthday, dude. Dude, I fucking said it the very next day. What the fuck? I always think your birthday is in November for some reason. Have we done a podcast since my birthday? Yeah, we did.

We did? Last week. You know, I was struck down with melancholy so hard. To be fair. How many times is your birthday? You feel like crap? Yeah, it sucks, bro. Damn, dude.

I'm 34? I sent you a text that morning at like 6.30, so it's basically Sunday. No, I don't look great, LaMare. Thanks, though. You're just horny as shit. You look great for 34. Shut the fuck up, man. You trying to make fun?

I'm not making fun, dude. I'm 34 years old. Nice. That's what's up. 34 is tight. That's the year, dude. All the pieces connected. 33 was tight.

34 is going to be tight as shit. Oh, yeah. Wait till 36, dude. 36 is... That's dying time. That's awesome. That's what I'm getting towards the end of my rope. Oh, yeah.

The world's in your hands. That's when I got to make some changes, lifestyle wise. Senior citizen, yeah? Yeah. Absolutely senior citizen. All right. Let's go to helium and do stand-up together, guys. It'll be fun.