Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 384 - Justin From Canada

Episode Date: February 23, 2022

Support the D.A.W.G.Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod Sup bros. We're back yet again with a pipin' hot cast. Shane's the man in black. Matt got a juicy scoop on the pelaton this mornin. We discuss several different men from Canada, Manchester, fat lazies, and more. PLease enjoy. Be good, and if you can't be good ... be careful.

Hey Wow West there it is. I need so I need a slap. Are we on imagine you're slapping a thick romp, dude How would you slap it was a thick romp? Yeah, let me see if it was a fat ass and you're behind it So you're gonna line your hand up on it and make sure you don't you gonna get there So you don't actually get inside a cheek. That's real. That's a very sensitive area to smack a girl Oh, yeah, sometimes they go. What the fuck are you doing? You mean they're like in their buttocks accidentally connect with the crack a little Oh, yeah, dude. That's I'm fucking I

Don't even know I don't hold at all. I just cry again. I go I just karate chop them right on the butthole There's you gave a girl karate chop on the butthole not as hard as you could obviously because you'd split her in half Yeah, if you did like a you did like a quick fucking to the butthole they Probably do so. I mean, yeah, if you can split them. They probably split brick. I can split a brick I've no doubt it's close butthole would be nothing girl's butthole. Just yeah, dude Give me three you'd stack three of them on top of each other And they'd all just come

It's right all girls really want to be cut in half from the butthole Ma'am I hit my I hit my girl with a funny one this morning. Would you get it? She came in the room it was she was looking for a laptop and it was in the bed And I was like, what do you want? And she goes my laptop. I go, when do you want it? She goes now What do you want she gets my laptop when do you want it now? It's a fun little trick you get very good. You see somebody looking for something hit him with what do you want? When do you want it? And then they go now Then he started changing. You go, what do you want?

The fun trap and it's fun to get him caught up bad they get peeved now. She liked it Did she like that? She had a fun she had a fun laugh and I said ma'am Pleasure doing business with it. I said pleasure eating your pussy Sorry, I'm was chopped. You know, I might have sex with just the boots in the hat today. Why wouldn't you? You look like fog horn leg horn I Can't wait to the top of my career takes off enough for me to get a full fucking peanut plastic When I get my dick implant, I can't wait. Oh my god. I'm going you're going six guns

Yeah, big long Barrel I'm gonna widen I'm gonna widen I'm gonna wide I'm gonna get the extended. I'm gonna get the barrel I'm gonna get it. I might get a sack extension barrel Get a Tommy gun for a dick I'm gonna get blue I'm gonna get blue contacts and get my dick widen I'm gonna get blue contacts lacy to get bad. I want to try to get 2010 lacy my vision's fine But I'm gonna get pilots vision and then a wider penis

So I gotta do and then see what's up. I'll take I'll take it from there Yeah, I might do 2010 pilots vision and then just talk my wife into doing like a group tinder profile Yeah, get cat eyes Get cat eyes and then go fucking swinger with your wife if I got a fake nine and cat eyes, dude Yes. Oh my god. I'd be crazy. What else is what is there? What is there left? nine-inch fake dick and cat eyes And then you got to get yeah extension braids so you can get cornrows for sure long cornrows cat eyes Dude, yeah, it's over. It's over. It's become essentially riff-raff at this point shark teeth. Yeah, dude

Man, so what's up? Do we did I talk to you about JP? No, that was after. Oh I was all Jordan Peterson awesome got to meet him after went to the green room to meet the esteemed Dr. Peterson By the way, that shit ruled. Yeah, it was like really good at first. I went with Francis Ellis Nice, so me and him are just sitting there Francis for a Harvard man didn't really follow along too. Well, really? Yeah I think it's more abstract shit Francis has it Francis is a book man high and openness. Yeah Francis was like, do you understand this was like, yeah shut up No, I did not just at one point. He's like that's a Freudian nightmare. Isn't it? No, it's like the fuck is Freud

We had a good laugh. That's fun. Yeah, but uh At one point this is this is what made me laugh and I mean this story with all due respect sure dr. Peterson and Michaela this is a complete respect. Absolutely. All right, so I mean dude exactly yes tip of that respectful as hell to the Canadians our neighbors up north stay strong stay strong Justin from Canada and we So we get done One of the things he's talking about is how when you look at something you're always valuing something

So like your eyes you knit you value things naturally. So whatever you're looking at you're valuing that yeah, that's what Exactly what happened. All right, so whatever you're looking at that's the most not the most important thing to you But your eyes you've decided you've got a value system something moves quickly you naturally you look at it because that's an It could be a threat something like that. So you're assigning value at all times basically was what I gathered Anyway, we get done. I'm talking to Michaela and Jordan and while he's talking to me I was just looking at Michaela's tits And it was making me laugh so much that I was like while talking to him. I was like I've assigned value. This is better and this is nothing but respect. Of course. I wasn't like

Oogling I just happened to look over and see them you caught they attracted you thought it was a threat They caught your field of view like is that a fucking buffalo? No, they're just that was not a threat It's just a damn titties. I'm Canadian that Canadian shot You caught them in your line of vision. That's awesome. I don't Is that a holy man? No, that's some fucking titties. It's milkies. It's Canadian milk So I went back to respect in the doctor. That was big natties. There was I saw some naturals you assign value to them He's like I value my head. I was I was like should I tell them how funny that is I was gonna tell him you would have he would have fucking rolled his sleeves up. He may have he may have fought me. Well

He might have actually been like, well, I see what you did there. Yeah, it's clever But yeah, he would have went but that's extremely disrespectful what you've done. Yeah, worry But we might but you might carry a knife. Yeah, it could have killed me on the spot He might have I was dispatched by JP. That'd be pretty tight Sent to the next realm gains all your powers He probably has it he probably keeps a blade on him. I would I would imagine he keeps that something bow staff up his sleeve that he can He might have staffed you it was that was that was a wise move to keep that under your fucking. Yeah If you that would that's a joke. I think he would have been like I think that's a joke that even if they heard it now

They wouldn't really like that much But I thought it was a funny goof. That is a funny goof and he might have giggled but I don't know Because he's a funny guy. He had some funny quips. He's a funny guy. Yeah, he's a fucking you know, he's like a musician, right? Did you see the song I Don't know again. I will look at things on YouTube and I'm half paying attention. He has a song I think he just cut a track. No, it sounds like a pink Floyd tune. It's sick, dude I didn't think it was him. I thought he put out a weird music video and it dude He's putting out music that my fears could be coming true that he is a glory hands. Oh, that means total glory

What do you mean It's probably 440 bad, I guess although pink Floyd apparently recorded in 432 and it does sound very Floyd-esque So good doc might have been 432. Yeah, I mean, dude, we're he's for sure I mean, we're all glory hounds at some level and he is sure but he doesn't he uses his glory houndness for I would say It was fucking crazy. Just watch him. He has hand. Oh, he's crazy, dude. He's in the ether, dude He's fully in either he's like he's just walking around but it makes sense when he goes and then he pauses Freestyle raps for like a second Yeah, he's Dr. Strange, dude. I think he's he's Dr. She's Dr. Strange is for sure

But the first like I was sitting there the first like 20 minutes. I was like fuck. Yeah, I fucked up Yeah, the first 20 was tough. Yeah, I didn't understand what the fuck he was saying It's a weird thing to strap into to I saw him in upper Darby. I was there. Yeah Yeah, me and Spud went yeah separately me and me and the sponge went the sponge absorbed very little He doesn't like JP Because the sponge is just a CNN lit. Well, he had he did have when they brought out there like that Midas touch it Peterson got hit with that. He got hit with like a like a Mechanized media machine that's beholden to the Democratic like that's what Francis was saying when we were walking in

He was like, isn't this guy like an alt-right guy? I was like, I don't think no, dude I was like, I'm not I don't think I can think of one thing dude He recorded all of his lectures and they were they're sick and it was just like Jungian archetypes nothing in there that was kind of political. I love Jungian archetypal Dude, it was nasty as well. Just watching Pinocchio make this is what this means isn't you're like, oh, dude Oh my god, this is so fuck yeah, it's awesome And then he just at one point is spazzed about that bit once he spazzed the bill that he's all right Yeah, but he was basically said whatever I was thinking about Pinocchio

Yeah, I mean kind of called it dude remember like three years ago when he was like this is how totalitarian systems emerge Everyone's like shut up. Yeah, all of a sudden. It's like I hope they show us your papers freeze my assets Yeah, yeah, dude. I've been watching fucking Canadian. I think parliament. I guess they have a parliament or something Yeah, and they've been the app and they're fucking like the British. They've a British parliament, dude It's have you been watching those things when they clips of them talking shit. Oh my god. The conservatives are so funny Yeah, they did like when they did that they had a whole Jewish off Was like I'm not saying it basically they're like dude

You didn't even go talk to the truckers trove is basically like they're Nazis. Yeah in more or less He was like they're associate. They're supporting Nazis blah blah blah I don't know that anything and then like a lady with a you would think she'd be a lib She had a wild hairdo and I was like, oh, yes, was there colors of reverse? Sorry. She's demanding apology. Yeah, she Jewish she's like as a Jewish woman I find very blah blah blah and the guy dude people started busting out like My great-grandfather was and like the liberals big well my grandfather was Jewish and the one guy fired back with like Mom half Jewish and like I didn't they didn't they actually skate before the Holocaust

But it was you know, I still didn't like it. It was a lot. You know and they were pissed We demanded and true. No better apologized dude. It was a Jewish. Oh, they had a total Jewish off Which side was more Jewish and who was right? It was so fucking funny. Yes, great. Yeah, they have British Where they all just yell at each other and then one time We got him on that one And the conserves just talk over when the Libs talk the conserves is like boo like start like shut up But dude, they're they hit Trudeau with like who's like this guy's done blackface more than he can remember He's gonna say something's racist dude. The whole place is just like

Crushed him crushed him dude. He left. He walked out. Yeah, Joe walked out What is this Trudeau coward? Coward complete read retard Trudeau is getting stank stank stank stank stank. He does stank Do you hear that quote of his about like it was old I was I was watching Bill Maher not a big deal Turns out I'm getting sci-opt. He's tip of the liberal spear. Yeah, what do you mean? Yeah, I just was around some Some geniuses this weekend. So what are they saying mom and Sam hide and I was told that I was a retard

Turns out I'm a retard. How's you the tip of the liberal spear? There's he's like one of the major Talking heads they go through like how he's starting to be like yeah, the vaccines are bad Yeah, they're gonna they're gonna flip yeah, that's gonna naturally it's naturally going that way Yeah, and they're gonna come out and be like well, they're gonna say well the vaccine did its job And that's why we're at this place today and then come out and say like and then we're gonna be the good guys get the repeal That's the big fight right now. He's still holding out dude Hold on Trudeau had a quote about the

Anti-vaxxers and he was like a lot of them most of them or not a lot of them not most of me It's like many of them are racist misogynists. He's like it has a leader of a country You have to decide do we even tolerate them? It's like, you know Chill, he's maybe tolerate them. Yeah, dude. You're gonna kill him dude. It's yeah That's what frees their assets and put them in camps He's Yeah, why not? Why not? You think Trudeau wouldn't lock me? He would fucking yeah, I know you well, dude You got his hands on me

Yeah, I'm like a bond villain in the Canadian Parliament What do you think Trudeau would do to you he would fucking lock me he would probably disappear my whole family You're probably sneaking your house with blackface at night. He would he'd sneak it for sure like this isn't you know You'd sign a flashlight on me be like no, this isn't what you think it is Yeah, god damn it Justin from Canada knock it off. Do you think he was special ops? That's why probably using deep camo He kept going to parties still from work. He might have been his wife. Yeah, Castro's son, especially I wish I knew anything about Canadian bullshit Other than just going Trudeau's gay. You just gotta watch him

Oh, my grandfather fought in World War two and it's a shame that you'd bring that up You should apologize and I've seen that I've seen those clips Understand what's happening Justin Trudeau basically called them all woman-hating Nazis. Yeah, and he was like, you have my grandfather fought in World War two I've seen the clips. I'm saying I don't understand what's happening. That's what's happening There's more to it Get together they tell each other sad stories 1942 my grandfather fell on the shores and you should really apologize Like I have five a sad family story to a listen to mine. It's just sad stories

That was your theory on Canadians They do that was your theory on Canadians forever, right? They get drunk and they corner you and they're like, I'm having a really tough time. I'm having a tough go at it Yeah, just like I'm sorry. It's so cold all the time. It's like, yeah, it is We lost our great-grandmother a couple of months ago, and I have gained 10 pounds I don't know what to do. The natives keep fucking taking our ski doos or whatever our snowmobiles And now we're not allowed to throw stuff at them anymore. I'm just confused. I want to do

Yeah, baby. I don't know what to do our leader is in blackface and otherwise a good fellow, but I don't know It's very confusing Yeah, they're sad and confused at all times Dude, they have the sorrows. Yeah, they're a guilt. They have guilt constantly. It's that Canadian guilt. I'm sorry Very sorry about everything Oh Bloody Bloody rule my great-grandmother's a tragedy. It's the bloodiest rule. That's what he kept saying

JP kept calling things bloody and being like it's the bloodiest It's a curse like dude. No It's just so funny because it's like yeah everybody in America's like yeah, why is he talking British? Fuck is this I Do the crowd is just there to be like say something about cancel culture for sure Yeah, but at the end he gave a very stirring speech really. Yeah, you got emotional. He's nice, dude Yeah, I like good. He's gonna he said before he said he has a feminine temperament or feminine archetypal temperament or something Yeah, it's personality type sick way to psychologize being like I'm kind of fucking gay

Yeah, I'm pretty gay I have a feminine archetype if you're high and open as you're running a danger of being gay of feminine heaven I'm dude. I'm if you're more interested in people they say you more lean. Yes, check shit. I Have a feminine archetype as well. Yeah, it's fair enough. I mean It's really hard for me friends will play with cars and I'd be like, well, what's going on with you, but How's your parents? Yeah, yeah, dude. I had a guy corner me one time and it wasn't even his problems He was like my buddy's wife's a bitch

Mean to him and I can't take it It's tough to watch and I'm like you got to get out of this and he's like I can't you gotta just distract him with hockey true toss it on I wonder if any of the truckers are listening to this now the truckers I wonder if anybody's sitting in that convo is listening right now truckers the only ones you don't do it They're the only one they keep their stuff to themselves Yeah, right they're all in the CB all day The freedom fighters they are freedom fighters They're absolute freedom fighters, dude, I had a I didn't rip it. I actually moved myself

I moved myself to the point of tears today, dude Why I was in my kitchen is thinking about how much I love my family and my friends and everyone in my country And I moved myself to tears. It's where the guy I choked myself up. I choked myself up nice I was like I hit the peloton this morning I was like I just want to keep my body in good shape so I can be around for the people I love as long as I can I was like, and I love this country so much and I literally started to almost cry Jesus, I'm so I'm so sad everyone's having a tough time right now. You go What is it your period? I hit the peloton hard dude

Peloton did well the Peloton releases estrogen. Well, no, it wasn't I had a killer 90s playlist Oh, it's fucking Google Dolls Iris was playing too. Okay, that got me Google Dolls got me. I was getting wait, which one's iris is that a Hold on I was in third or fourth grade I Looked at my yearbook at a girl. I liked him played iris in my room. I remember it. I remember it like it was yesterday Karina Whatever, I don't get you man. I was got me iris is good It was playing I had a killer 90s playlist going and I was like I was getting my ready for school

And I was like just I just worked out and I felt good about it and I started being like Man, dude, I fucking love my friends so much. I love my family. It's like I love my wife. We recently We were working on stuff so we're getting a lot better Hey, you mean just had a talk I'm just joking. It wasn't a bad time. It was it. I know they're always listening. It's girl I know my girl. My girl my mom listens. They are spot. We had a Rusky upstairs just now and still on a shelf, dude It's you got fuck you probably got little holes old spike turns out my girl is not Ukrainian She is in fact the Russian. It's been a Psy off to KGB. She pretended to be Ukrainian

KGB now she's it now. She's like, yes, we must take all of Ukraine It is ours. It is right for you. I hear she speaks at night when she's asleep. She's like, yes True we need to extend the planes More Ukraine's easy March, right? There's a straight lowland right into the Kipita We need The fuck do they need shit for cuz it's you can just walk right into their cap They need a long foot. They need to make it a long fucking walk You keep talking about buffer states like it's fucking World War two, bro. I am World War two, dude

I'm reading fucking goodbye. I'm finished the book. I'm really good by darkness. I'm all about I'm all about I'm stuck in the fucking Eastern Front, dude Guys like me guys like me. I'm saying I'm in fucking Papal New Guinea, dude. Yeah, that's not these. That's that's the Pacific Theater. Yeah, that's way East China ways That's well for us. That was our Western front True, but I try to use the language of like the East Try to be respect. I think the Eastern Front is Russia. True. They can't yeah, they flew from California I get what you're saying. No at the same time, dude. It all becomes the same thing. It's it is it. Oh, you're saying it's not

Circles you're saying here. It's not flat or dude. It's fucking a ball. It's a ball. Yeah, so when you're going east eventually Guess what dude? You're gonna get a West true. So technically. Yeah Russia and Germany was the Western front I mean, what even was the Western front is no one even knows so they could okay. What's they call that? What do they call that? That's the Eastern Front. That's the one that you're thinking the Pacific Theater Pacific Theater Yes, I was calling by darkness is the Pacific. I was calling. I was just saying will you Manchester? Yeah, dude, it rules dude that was the best one so good man Everybody wants to do it wants to give sledge all the credit for the best Pacific book. Nah, William Manchester He's got a huge dong too. Yeah, he talks about it

It's crazy yeah, he just drops in like I guess I was cursed with this huge penis that I got a Wacking off called him tripod in college And he's he's pit dude the level to which Back then it was not cool to be gay was dude. They were there was an 80 year sentence You got caught sucking in the military. They'd lock you away from 80 years, dude You'd be jagged court and they'd be like gay and you would go away 80 jackpot. I'm headed to suck heaven Dude he wrote a nice little trilogy on Churchill really like fucking three books are like that It's upstairs. He's a master. He's a master wordsmith. He really is he's a great writer

He it's fantastic. That's the difference between him and sledge sledge's book was about he wrote it as a memoir for like his family Yeah, and then they published it so it's not like it's like well-written and it's not well I mean it's well-written, but it's all like sledge is very like It's very he doesn't like curse it's very like yeah morale was low Yeah, it's not like my friend just fucking blew up and my his guts were on me turn to goo Yeah, like Manchester's interest is dark dude. Just like me. It's why I'm wearing the black hat I'm a bit of a black hat myself. You know, I just look like JR from WWE My god, we're doing the podcast

Not the flute, not the flute. He's got a family Oh God it's an ad read The funniest part in that book is when he's talking about a girl beating And I'll turn on he can't she strut he's like she was in what was called the female dominant position I see how wait, that's the one that opens with him shooting a guy a Japanese dude that shits his pants Pisses himself. Yeah, he like charges it. Yeah, and then he pisses. Yeah, he's like throws up and pisses his pants Yeah, they don't talk about that. They don't have that and saving private Ryan

No, I kill the guy and shits himself and throws up fuck a fuck a fuck a fuck. Yeah. Yeah, that's what I mean Dude, that's why thin red lines the goat movie Yeah, little it's a little I mean, it's still you know, it's still movie. Yeah, but it's a little darker. That's versus Saving private Ryan. That's like come on Give the letter to my family. Yeah, I'm Vin Diesel dude. The funniest is how like Tom Hanks Yeah, fucking not a strong male role model. I'll tell you that not a strong not a strong male role model We got a chat chat dude. We are people trying to tear him up being like, okay, Tom Hanks isn't a strong male role model It's like that actor that act. Yeah, exactly alleged

Alleged actor Why do you take a picture of a glove on his Instagram? What the fuck dude? I've now said it's not a strong male role model, dude. No acting like a fool is that one movie where he played a fool Yeah, but the fool that ran that's a running fool No, I was he Vin Diesel finally get his Emmy nod when he go Vin Diesel goes full retarded for the Emmy Fast and furious Dude, there was a while that there was like almost a trope in Hollywood people were making fun of that like if you did Yeah, a person with like a disability

Drop it dude. You never go full retard though. True. Yeah, champagne and I am Sam Never go full retard. He crushed it. He did he crushed it. I want to see Vin go all the way Vin's gone all the way dude Vin's already You think he lives his life life quarter life. He's life fucking a pair of sweatpants at a time Yeah, Vin dude, don't sleep on the fact guess how many followers Vin Diesel has on Instagram 22 million 78 million Every foreigner loves fast and furious. This is true. This is true He's the most famous dude. That's true

I mean before your whole culture sinks into kind of like hip irony all you have is like that guy's so strong and fast No, I'm strong and fast guess how many followers Tom Hexas 32 million 9.3 dude Vin Diesel That's not a strong male role Vin Diesel probably is the most followers on Instagram. That fucking rules. Yeah Everybody loves fast and furious. What is this is his thing? Just him being like I'm so grateful today like flexing his bicep Can you imagine being in China and seeing fast and furious? Oh, I must be crazy. It must be fucking crazy It must be the movie reviews are probably so fucking funny Yeah, so fast. It's very exciting. It's a very exciting movie very fast. They're even faster

Well, it's also the movie reviews are probably purely written by like the production company So I hear publish this and they're like a very good business wonder who's got Vin Diesel beat Who has the most look up who has the most it's probably someone you would even even think of babe, dude Yes, it's definitely a hot chick second first. What's what's what's her name? Kanye's Kim think he's gotta be a lot look up who at the female who has the most and it's definitely a hot chick But it might be one you've never even heard of dude And now probably not Holy shit Kim Kardashian 28 287 287 Vin Diesel's killing her now. He only had

287 dude what she's got Basically the population in the United States country of sluts dude. Yeah, I see why That's a lot of fucking good. Yeah, I'd fight for good googly I'd fight for would you kiss it? I Know what I would do is I'd go. Yes Yeah, man, I could man put some clothes on You look like a fucking idiot that must be I'd be blushing though If you saw her just having said we're like if you're having sex with like a mega model

I'd be blushing like where do I do you go? I Would enter and go Fucking yeah, you've probably been with a lot of guys who are bigger than me You probably move the guys are way bigger than me You have 287 million fall off I got you have so many I think Ariana Grande it might be number one which that I don't like that. It's got a chap KK's ass, dude What she have 287

Pete Pete's got both of them. She's a 295 Ariana Grande is a 295 who has the most there has to be I think it's Ariana Grande 290 do you think she has the most there has to be someone who has more than her the rock the rock sitting at the rocks it a lot Who has the most? Christiana Ronaldo nice Soccer player. Yeah, how was he got like 300 is like 700 million? Oh He's got 400 mil Then Kylie Jenner has 300 Leonel Messi has 306 So the dude who's the most the dude Christiana Ronaldo has the most yeah, Ronaldo has rocks it at 299 loser

Probably cheat meals, dude He needs to go all the way with the gear dude no more of this like legal limits testosterone stuff He needs to start abusing gear Wait, did he claim to like use steroids responsibly he's probably claiming he's on They probably don't talk about it. Dude. His did you saw him at the Super Bowl? No, dude his bicep was It was ridiculous really. Yeah, he's standing on the field before kickoff Screaming having a fucking rage, dude. He's like take that fucking ball. What it's time But he was like

Doing that shit to the camera was really yeah, and his arm was like It was the most preposterous looking dude. I've ever seen That's just him going out and just fucking flexing and being like it's the Super Bowl And every every dumb fucking America was like It's the rock Yeah, I got I got bummed out. I was walking this day of the Super Bowl the day of the Bowl I was coming back from food shopping and I'm why I have park like far away So I'm walking up this little street near my house and I saw right into this

It's like a big Gargantuan house near my house and it was a guy standing in front of a gigantic screen Just standing in front of in front of his TV watching a Super Bowl commercial and I was just like just deflated me Yeah Not to be I don't to be a dick, but it's just like there would be like a Debbie Downer, but it's like Just the whole thing like you know, I can't let it do it. Can't we just see the commercials? It's like really yeah The commercials are terrible. It's just celebrities was just a guy who was like he dude. He's like he's living in a house It's almost a million dollars. Yeah staring at a fucking tea watching it. He's like I did it

He's just watching a commercial just like you get to the top of the mountain to be like Did you see the new Sprite commercial with the project? It was really funny. I don't I don't again I don't be a jerks again. Whatever you do. It's fun, but I it did deflate me on some way now I'd love to get pumped for I'm a bit of a Thomas Manchester if I got to say myself. Who's that who's the guy from Manchester? Who do you think it is it might I'm thinking of his cousin. What's the guy's Whatever the Manchester is he wrote the book. I'm a bit of a man William William a bit of a William Manchin William Manchin Dude, how about what he gets fucking kicked out of the officer school? Yeah, so I didn't come here to do the same chicken shit fucking bullshit that started this war

He's like I'm out send me to my father's platoon. They're like, no Dude that was like Just the level of to which dudes had to hold themselves to was crazy back then yeah You had to be he was a flaming heterosexual by his words You gotta be so fucking horny, but you can't fap And then you got to be a Christian gentleman, but you can't but then you have to also go and like stab dudes in the fucking stomach Yeah, but then also like fuck whores Yeah, some yeah, I think they all did it. I think they all that was wartime

I'm talking about back at home. They're like when they were in San Diego and shit They'd be like, oh, I know this girl She'll go all she'll go all the way and he couldn't get a pass and somebody else went and went all the way with her really yeah That's good No, they couldn't fap though even dude his dad claimed his dad claimed he's like I never even heard of it They fat he was like he was like fat. He's like I asked my dad to give me the low down on fapping He says my dad what I never heard of that until I was in the military and some like doctor told us about it We're all like what the hell?

They found out I figured it out like fourth grade. I was like you just eat I went to school like you guys ever like make your hand like this Dude that back then if you got caught fapping your dad would pull you out of bed by your neck and just beat the shit out of you What are you talking back in world? From that book dude, dude, they said if the guy would come out what what the hell is that dominoes Should we pause no no sure. Yeah, you'll get a lady. You'll take care of it Um Dude, here's what I'm getting that from this drill sergeant will come out every day

This isn't from the book the guy would be like I won't let you go I want to let you little shitheads know that there was a report on like some military base of a guy sucking another guy Yeah, let you know they're in jail for 80 years. All right, none of that bullshit So they were getting you're going to jail for 80 years for sucking He could have been fibbing that drill sergeant I will try to make people not suck But apparently he did find out about a guy in his platoon who sucked. Yes. He said they he heard that they went away to jail Yeah, yeah, yeah, so they got sent they got sent away

You probably go to jail for sucking. I think they were saying military jail, dude I mean, it wasn't it wasn't an illegal. They just never enforced it and No, but I mean like militarily there's don't ever don't even ask it's like it's not a thing But no, but I mean now Like recently like while we've been alive there's been states that it's like sodomy's illegal Oh, yeah, yeah, just to arrest gay dudes Yeah, but I'm dude. I thought that was real like they were sending gay if you got caught sucking on military property I'm sure you did you got just you got dishonorably discharged 80 years, dude life sentence. I don't think that's true

But maybe I do you think Manchester would lie? I think maybe he told a story about a drill sergeant lying to say you guys better not suck will kill you I don't know was he was saying he's like there's guys going the way I read it It was like you would go if you sucked you went to jail. Yes But not for 80 years But they didn't even know they were just like dude you believe there's guy like dude I think guys are doing this and they're like, oh, he went to fucking sex pervert gel for 80 years Yeah, there's yeah, our parents didn't know what fucking sucking dudes was

It's great. Yeah, but it's just that's why you call dad a faggot and he's like, what you fucking that's what I'm saying That's I'm not going to jail for 80 years That's what I'm trying to put it that's what put it into perspective for me It was like, oh these were the state. This is what the states back then it was like If you were the least bit if you like didn't know also William Manchester fat dude hard Oh, he definitely did he's covered in blood. He did but that's that's shock. That's shock. Yeah, but I mean he fat He did he admitted it. He thought as soon as he got as soon as his boys were eviscerated. He was like, oh nice I'm alone. That's what I'm saying

That's you were with you're in a family of 10. You're always with people your whole life family of 10 into the military There was no time to fap. Soon as your boys all got blew up in the jungle. You're like jackpot me time Yeah, there was uh, there was certainly fapping fappings a tale as old as time True, but the stakes were so like you couldn't even talk to your boys about it about fapping. Yeah. Yeah, you get punched in the belly That was making me laugh so hard it was like the ideals back then were so fucking funny Like is it dude? It was like questionable going to the doctor. They'd be like going to the doctor I mean, I I would I hold that

I I still keep that stand. I know that's where it came from. Yeah, that's where it came from I go to the doctor with you a sissy the dude His dad's arm was like blown off from the war Maybe like if you're like here, let me get that for you, but get the fuck off. I'm like, okay I'm like go to jail for 80 years because you cut up my fucking meat you bitch Dude, it was killing me I for some reason I had this like wordless flash of just like it all makes sense to me Just why all dudes are the way they are now and it's like Jesus Christ. What a fucking

I mean, it's a double nightmare Because then today, dude, so I fucking I didn't have a peloton this morning 6 30 a.m I do the year I do by the way, they wouldn't have taken kindly to that bro You would have seen the peloton ride I took I do two thousands jams. I'm like, that's gonna be nice I'm thinking I'm gonna get like I don't know whatever the fuck they were playing back then Some cool smash mouth. Yeah, dude. I'm gonna get something like cool stuff I go on the guys like all right peloton gang. Let's go and I was like All right, he starts playing lady gaga and I'm like, I think this is a giga. I think this guy. I think this guy's a danger of 80 years

But I was like pretty much all guys are kind of gay now So maybe not and then it's like and then he all of a sudden The peloton the song comes on he goes I was like, oh, oh my god, this this guy is for sure. Why do they dance dude this guy every peloton other dude other than Alex Troussaint. Thank you, bro. There's another other guy's name. He's he fucking rules. No, no Alex Troussaint's the girls dance. There's one girl with an afro lightskin chick. She's hot. Yeah, but She's not a good dancer at all. What's on a bike first? Yeah, true except for Troussaint gets I gave her Troussaint I'm not saying get it pause. Troussaint gets it. He does that. He's like we're gonna move up to two three

Oh, yeah Well, hey dude, I gotta remember that there's a white guy who's he does the m&m artist series He's the funniest fucking say he's breaking down lyrics. Dude. He breaks down lyrics. I did his other one. That's just uh He does these other rock rides. I did a 30 45 minute ride with him. He'll start talking He'll be like it's pretty much full circle circles complete. Let's ride and he'll like do it makes no It's so pretty peloton family. He's so funny lock in. Let's ride dude At the end of the workout the end of the one workout the end of the one workout he goes He's like hey gang be careful or he goes guys be good and if he can't be good be careful

But dude, so this guy dude I'll half the time and that's with Troussaint Even that's the only guy I could do any time I try like I tried that chick with the fro and I literally while I'm on like This sucks dude, I'm gonna give you the guy I talk like Dude the guy I talked with This was another level. This was another level. Yeah, it was like He goes on. He's just like we're sitting. I don't know where I'm like I'm like, I don't know. It's hard to tell if guys are gay anymore And I'm like sit there. He goes just so you know I did gaga Beyonce gaga Beyonce and I was like, oh, this is definitely this guy

He's hell. It's so gay. So I'm like, all right fair enough I'm in it. I just want to get back to my normal guy. I was trying to exit. Yeah, you gotta exit, bro I couldn't get out I couldn't get out. I was like, I'm already making fucking progress. I'm tearing up these hills because it was like right off the bat And I'm like, it wasn't it wasn't the fact that bothered me. He was gay. It was the music selection sucks So bad selection's unbelievable. It was fucking gaga and the music's a big part. Yeah, so I'm like, you know, divide dude I need to vibe. He always out of nowhere. He would just be like You do choreograph dance moves

It's 6 30 in the morning. I'm like stop It's so bad It was so funny and then he would just be like I'm like zoning out. I'm sitting there and all of a sudden he's like Yeah, I just said something about Jamie Lynn Spears. I promised I wouldn't but I did anyway. Let's ride Peloton Why is this 40 year old man being so mean to please? Was he a bitch about Jamie Lynn? Sorry, I'm being a bitch lock in Peloton. He was such a bitch. He was being such a let's go family He was such a bad boy. He was a gay bad boy. Like it was just killing me all morning, dude

I'm trying to fucking get my I'm trying to break my PR. It bothers me when the like the girls are like You know, I gotta push it the hardest. I always push so hard. It's like dude. We're doing a fucking spin class Shut the fuck up. You're doing this so you can get a fat ass to get banged Although my my heart rate. I've been pushing my heart. I've been pushing my heart rate to the max on that thing, dude My apple watch almost exploded, dude. Really short circuit. It was like, dude too much, dude The gay This is how gay you were last week, dude

This guy it was he kept going and finally switched. It was it was Beyonce and Britney Spears and then it switched to No, no, it was Beyonce and Lady Gaga. They don't want to Uh, Britney Spears and Madonna. He was going back to back doing them and dude every guy hit exit, dude I couldn't get out of it and by then I was I was born You're like when I was you go to a gay bar and you're like, what it's fun I like I like the music. Sorry. I get free drinks I was also number third in the leaderboard. I'd never been up that high. So I was just me and I was like, oh, this is a secret I was battling gay guys

Who I thought would just be slaying me You would expect that it was two ladies. I was dude. I was smoked with those ladies It was the tears were whoever was below me and me and two people were in our own tear I was the top of that and there was two 50 or one operator. I was tier two There's two ladies who were there were like 60 resistance the whole time to slaying me I mean you put on the Gaga for the 60 year old ladies. It's over They were killing it. But dude at one point he was like I'm just saying if britney spears is on oprah, which she should do

That would be amazing. I'm not saying it's gonna happen, but it would be a juicy scoop. Let's run What the fuck? What the fuck man What is this? Seppy this guy dude. I'll sit. Yo just for research purposes I don't care about that stuff, but I wouldn't mind hearing about a juicy scoop while i'm out of breath like Dude, it was all hills. Is that the workout is a good workout. It's all hills almost broke my ass ready for dick I've got to strengthen that fucking honk just to squeeze it in

I dude true if I did that every day, dude. I might be seeking juicy scoops, dude That's what I've been doing all about This whole conversation this is what I was bugging out on there's a whole conversations framed in just world war two Guys being like i'm not fucking dead and it's been 80 years and we're still like no, but seriously though It was kind of weird Dude, I was seriously like Get me out of this dude. Have you gotten to the where they start like when they get ahold of dudes wives pictures and girlfriends pictures No

It's a fab city Dude those those steel I'm sure the boys are still operating this led Somebody will get a letter for the wife like a girlfriend's the sweetheart back home Seals it with a kiss dude some red lipstick somebody you'll steal it immediately Whoever the male guy is just goes through and steals everybody's porn And then they all pass it around and whack off to it and then it finally gets to the guy who's like wife is like I miss you so much. It's just covered in jizz

I want to go home Yeah, they had a negative experience over there on the eastern front that red cross shit was wild too how the red How the red cross would come and try to like sell shit to people Yeah, yeah, the dad hated the red cross You'd be laying there was a bunch of injured soldiers like dying the red cross to come through and make y'all sell you guys They were like sell lucies and just like rip people rip like injured vets off Yeah, the dad the dad was in his william manchester's dad was in world war one

He got fucking hurt and uh, he got fucked up. He got fucking drilled. Yeah They thought he was going to die. He like was like at one point a week later was like, uh, they're like, jeez Oh fuck that guy's still here. Get him out of here God he stinks But he hated the red cross and he instilled that in william Dude, I hate the red cross. I'm gonna fight dude next time Right, isn't that the case? wasn't his dad the one that was like fucking the red cross. Fuck those guys, dude He was in the hospital with him for like three years. He said salvation army was tight. He's like sal army rules

Red cross is bullshit. Yeah Oh wait guys Matt, why don't you hit this one? Let me read it. Let me do this for you, dude Let me let me fucking come into the big time Hey, Shane, what do you hate about smoking and how is lucy helping? I don't smoke at all But i'm addicted to nicotine because of pouches like this. Go ahead. I'll tell you what, dude I'll tell you something lucy makes all sorts of nicotine products like gum Laws and jizz and pouches lucy is a better more responsible way to consume nicotine. You hear that guard dogs are chimmy

Hear that guard dog. Hey guard dog. Do you ever suffer from like crushing anxiety at the looming specter of your death? Yeah, try to suck on a lucy lozenge. That'll save you. That'll calm that'll calm you down, dude Next time you're like, I'm gonna fucking die one day or get old and become rehabilitated. I should just fucking do a lozenge Yeah, I might that'll take the jitters away, dude. Yeah, just think of william manchester Yeah Jacking off in a crater filled with his friends blood and guts. You know what he could have used at that point Lucy a lozenge true, dude Yeah, be like, oh, oh, what are you scared of mouth cancer? You fucking pussy shut up

People died so you could do this, dude. So you could get some very safe nicotine Check out the full line of products at lucy.co. That's lucy.co and use the promo code drenched at checkout Warning this product contains nicotine nicotine is an addictive chemical But you already know that but that's just the current science. So we'll see what happens If you're interested, you already knew that Does it have no they took it out? Oh, that's the best part if you're interested nicotine is addictive, but you already knew that If you're interested in a better way to use nicotine go to lucy.co and make sure to use that promo code drenched

Support the show and get 20 off the code drenched at lucy.co. Wow Thanks a lot lucy appreciate you Hey lucy Thanks, I'm gonna start. I'm gonna start chewing a beetle much obliged lucy. I'm gonna start chewing beetle nut What's what's going on beetle nut matt? That's that stuff they chew down Tell me about some beetle nut beetle nut and chocolate. It's like it's like a almost a nicotine type thing They were chewing it down in a

Pop on new guinea Oh, yeah, you know nuts that like red thing that you you put lime on your tongue and it breaks it down Dude, I've been telling you about and it like ravaging the fucking fuzzy wassies for so long Dude, you it's this is the the craziest part of the book Every i'm reading it. I'm going. Oh, that's a chain song. Yeah. I'm like this shit is fucking nuts It's the coolest stuff ever it unsettles you it does like I'll put it down and lay down. I'm just like Oh, Jesus Christ. You can't you can't even fathom what people have done. It's fucked up It's absolutely and then with the stuff you were saying too about like

Japanese were truly up to no good Dude, they were it were a full fucking maniacal force Yeah, they're they were evil through their own dude their own guys too just sending them into the jungle and push They just dudes were dying. It was crazy. Yeah, man. I was I'm not even I'm a quarter of the way into the book and I was just like Jesus, I just tossed in a lucy by the way. Did you really? Yeah You should zoom in on that and go like ba ba ba ba. Just a nice fucking Yeah Thanks, Lucy

Thanks, thanks to lucy things are looking up for me You might be a new marbles. I might be the marbles ever lucy Are you tired of dipping in public and people don't like you have a lucy it's gross The polls in everyone things dipping everyone's mad and you're not gonna get pussy from dipping at comedy clubs So it's time to do lucy cowboy time to do lucy You can also you can tell chicks. It's ketamine put it in a bag. Yeah, you can yeah, they won't know girls have no idea what drugs are Girls don't get high girls. Don't get high first off. They're all on Adderall So they take Molly and they're like, I don't even feel it. It's like yes, because you're on

50 milligrams of Adderall every day. Yeah, you're like a little Japanese Honestly, if I was a girl, if I was a girl, I'd be tossing an Adderall all day. Yeah, you might as well It's you don't eat problems. Yeah, you don't eat your high energy clean shit. It's literally the girl drug It's that's red pill blue pill for girls. It's fat and tired or skinny and tweaked. Yeah, which one do you want? It's your two options in life skinny and tweaked is tight. Yeah I gotta pick this up Yeah, it's clean clean, you know, if your Pinterest is just Yeah, this is nice. This is if you're fat and tired. Yeah, your room is all messy and you're just

Fat and tired lady get out of here Beat it scram although although scram mongrel Although you can get a nice fat and tired lady nice and comfortable Yeah, get a blanket on her some tv and she'll put that snail on you dude She will open up like a flower with a wet snail You get her some take You get a big fat and tired you get that fucking thick snail on your leg Put on a fucking movie and hit her with some takeout dude. Joe fucking she'll just ooze over toward you

You just suck the cum right out of this job of the slut you do. You just sucked into her whole dude So you gotta be careful, but again a skinny tweaker. Oh, well, a skinny tweaker will she'll blow you for 45 minutes So much I don't come back from a peloton class all sweaty. Yeah Wow, you did so good on the gay bike You didn't get hard at all for that gay man I didn't get hard. I was soft as fuck. You can't you can't get hard on the peloton Dude, I stand up. You stand up. You lean forward a little dick's gone. You got a nub There's just a thick dick gay dude dancing in front of you

You gotta nub your dancing to fucking beat my lover wanna be Oh, dude, literally, I just be Anyway, peloton fam turn it it was just like we're gonna crank this thing up. He thought I was gonna take it easy on you this week Peloton fam you gotta work Pushed your limit. I love my peloton fam though. Oh, dude. I give hi. I'm the only one giving out high fives, dude Yeah, they don't like it. No one's giving. I'm I'm high five. Well, you're probably are you high fiving People here now or just the leaderboard here now. All right, nice here now. Yeah, I'm doing here now and I'm doing it like All my people you hit high fives hard. I do I go hard high fives are fun

I didn't know you could FaceTime we FaceTime. Yeah, it's echoey. We gotta figure out Yeah, we'll figure it out. Yeah FaceTime on the peloton is fun. I always get paranoid. They can see my face I know I'm laughing There's somewhere the Chinese deep state is putting together a nice montage of me Lifting my shirt while on the peloton to wipe my face just a fat gut and tits mine resist me like that's gonna be worse I was just mocking my gay instructor the whole time like I'm not gay at all turn my resistors Let me stand up

Do you ever try to do the dance when Tristan tell when alex to son tells you to rock board? I've tried I've tried to like I try to I try to sink my knees to the rhythm at least that's a good one Yeah going fucking Sinked to the beat. Yeah But yeah, dude, that was shocking this morning of just like Turn it on being like, all right, it'll be playing. I was like thinking they're gonna play like Like 90s alternative stuff. Yeah It was just fucking Beyonce and Lady Gaga and it's like

What do you think of the queen b dude? Let me lean forward now that my face is to you. I'd like to hear what you think about the queen I've said this to my wife. My wife's a big fucking. I forget what Beyonce's fans are called Beehive big. She's a big part of the beehive and also second tier level of the navy rihanna's uh slot army The navy rihanna's the navy Is that true? Yeah, rihanna's fan base called the navy. Look it up. Is that because she was in the is that because she was in the

hit movie battleship Oh, that must have been a smash hit. Was she really in battleship china? They must have been like video game is real I don't even know what the movie is They made a movie battleship of like f7 like they played the game battleship versus like aliens or something What? Yeah, it was starring rihanna. Dude. I saw the movie warrior Good god. What's that? I feel like somebody told me it was good What is it? I feel like someone told me it was good It's the worst. It's the craziest movie I've ever seen

It's tom hardy and bales in it too looking. No, it's not bail. Oh, that's that's fighter. That's a good one That one's good. This warrior is in warrior. Callan and plays rogan. Yeah, callan plays rogan in warrior Yeah, they do a world. They do a mma tournament sit up for this. They do an mma tournament. It's like a Except it's like called sparta They do every what it's fake. It's not everything that's like, yeah so they do uh There's one guy Is tom hardy's like a hard-ass former marine

Hates his dad the dad's nicknalt. He's a drunk He's like, I just want to be back in your life son He's like you can train me, but we're not friends And then their other brother is a like fucking biology teacher And he's like we need to save the house, honey. I'm back to fighting. She's like, don't don't do it He's like, they're gonna look we're gonna lose the house if we don't so he enters the tournament Both brothers enter the tournament run through the tournament, dude The chemistry guy is more of a fucking submission tactician

Tom hardy's just a one punch knockout dude Nothing, but he knocks dudes out and just walks straight out doesn't stick around doesn't celebrate doesn't celebrate Turns out he was a war hero. He ripped the door off of a tank that was in underwater in iraq Somehow this is all fictional. Yeah, there's a Some diesel fan So then other hands on a screenplay. Yeah, so then the marines find out and they're like he again He's entering the ring with no no no entrance music and while he walks out. There's a whole section of marine singing there the marine song That's his entrance music his marine singing getting pumped

And then he comes out one punch knockout everybody and then in the final round Obviously they meet in the finals chemistry teacher in the former marine They meet in the finals I'm not gonna spoil it, dude because you're gonna like you're gonna like it. They suck each other and go to jail for eight years They get the death family They're sucking Not only being gay, but with your brother is UFC dubai and they fucking go to jail for a hundred years Did they

And then they so if you're watching it, you know, their brother's the whole time Yeah, and then it's like a big reveal to the people in the movie. You know, they're like as soon as you started this movie They're brothers It's it's yeah. Oh, that's dumb. I as soon as you start telling this movie. I'm like, they're gonna end up fighting each other Yeah, they fight in the championship. Yeah chemistry brother wins He breaks tom hardy's arm Good and then tom hardy fights through it and he's like, come on give up brother He's like, fuck you. I'm never giving up. This is for the marines. Dude. We won the house. Shut the fuck up you idiot

Yeah, the house is secure. Yeah, tom hardy should have through the fight That would have been great if like tom hardy had like a horrible gambling addiction and through the fight Got paid be fun. See that would be a good actually hit his brother and killed him Yeah, that'd be great to write a movie Because that's that's clearly in the vein of like a triple x fast Where it's got it's like guys being strong and fast and honorable. Yeah, and you just go watching you're like Oh gotta be a better man Yeah, but it'd be nice to have that where it ends just wretchedly

Yeah, where the guy that gets hit his brother dies and like they lose the house Yeah, he's like, I'm not strong or fast anymore ma. Yeah, you're like, it's all right. It doesn't make sense What's the point of this and some fat some fat dork that has money comes and fucks his wife puts him in jail Or the guy wins the fight and he gets let out handcuffs with the ed sex with like a 60 Which is still tight that still plays into the hardcore masculine part two. Yeah, there's jail. Come here. You fucking pedophile jail You know who I am

I was thinking because we were Me and The fellas were working on that king show We're trying to we're working on we're right whatever but I was I was talking to john yesterday It'd be funny if any time we introduce a character, you know how like In any series you add characters and they leave they come and go every character that leaves the show needs to kill themselves There's never another way that somebody leaves the show Every character eventually kills themselves

It'd be funny just building up the circumstances to why they have to do it be so fun Yeah, because yeah, if the viewer knew that they were going to eventually you just slowly see like them drop a cup and be like Just the whole time small things bothering them immensely Especially a medieval suicide methods to be so nothing to be self guillotines. Oh, dude, you know, yeah Entering the iron. What's like the thing they put on those like a Iron Maiden Just stand there for a fucking one month. I'm killing myself All along with nails that you close Yeah, they did some wild stuff

They're bad boys the boys were up to no good. They were bad boys I wonder how tolerant they were of other people though in terms of like people's beliefs and I'm sure they were very Now they put them in a fucking nail bed Yeah, they would just push you out of a window immediately. Yeah Dude was like, this is my country song Yeah, get that country out of here. It sucks. That's fucking with that. It's different than us. It'd be funny that back down there like That's different than us. We should kill him It's exactly that's different than us tribalism. Yeah, dude. That's in chimps fucking

I don't know. That's different than us. That's exactly everything That's exactly everything. Yeah, but that's not like us. Like what should we do? We should Break that there's a whole other tribe. We found they're wearing pants different than us We got a break in there at night and cut their heads off And but we'll still we'll keep their wives. Yeah, true bring their wives Yeah, true their wives Yeah, that must have been weird man

because as a lady it's like You know, you'd eventually come around and play ball With whoever your captor was. Yeah, I mean, there must have been a lot. I mean, I'm sure there was a couple Down-ass bitches who would be like Fuck you never fuck you. First off the chances are it was an arranged marriage and whoever they got arranged to was also a psycho That's true. That's a good one. There was not a lot of loyalty back then In fact, I'm sure it still doesn't exist today If that rusky that was doing the shelves upstairs cut my head off. She would have just moved in

True and she would have been like, well, he's nice He's cleaner than shame He doesn't yell at me. Yeah, it's true women actually. Yeah, the women were like currency and uh That's the same thing that would happen to me some hot chick fucking kidnapped to me. I love this lady That's true. That's broken and murdered my girlfriend. I mean like I have a billion dollars. Who are you? Yeah What's your name? You're coming with me No, I could never if kim Kardashian came in and ripped me out of my bed. I think Get off. Get off kim. How many instagram? You have 207

13,000 It's nothing to sneeze at Could you tag me or something? You tagged me in one thing so I can get a couple more before you force yourself apart But you might tag me. I'm an adult male that cares about followers I love being an adult man that cares about followers. I'll tell you what I'm pretty I am good about that What I do I every now and again I look and go oh wow. Yeah, I'm not like Oh, fuck I gotta get more the fucked up thing. It is it is a uh, yeah, but if you're a bro stuck down at like 85 You got it there's gotta be a boring dumbass you should have wasted 10 years doing stand-up comedy

You should have gone to open mics and battled with fucking mentally unstable people for 10 years That is funny though. That that is a big deal the quest having like a digital platform I thought you're talking the quest it takes to reach this level that I'm saying that that's I'm saying it's like Everyone you know is like you idiot go get your series seven and learn how to do accounting and I was like I don't think so and instead I was just like selling weed in an open mic. It all came together. Like I knew I was right Yeah, I had a feeling this was gonna work out. Dude. I do that every time I go home every time I go home I'm like dad. You need money. I told you dumbass Yeah, I mean that was a big yeah, that was my mom was begging me. She was like, please just please go get a job

And they're right. They were right. Well, they didn't know they should have never worked What happened is we were so retarded that like the technology just siphoned around. We're like, well, perfect Yeah, we jumped we leaped. It was a quantum leap. We were so retarded and steamlining towards like deep embarrassing failure at such a rapid pace that we quantum leaped with technology We found a wormhole dude retarded wormhole that Just flying through the cosmos. It was my late 20s on an air mattress. It's like I don't know where this is headed

I'm losing everything And then it just one day it was like, here's a million dollars Oh, fuck. I'm so retarded though Yeah, I don't know. Yeah. Oh fuck. I don't know how to have relationships. It's like, look, I have money Nothing has changed. I'm like, I still don't understand how relationships work. I don't know one thing Yeah, I guess I'm fucking Rusky up there installing shelves. I'm down here like, I know things Let me tell you about world war two So we paid it we paid to have some guy install some shelves

And uh, he came in today. He's he's clearly he's just a russian dude And I was like, it's nice to have a man around the house. He just stared at me I was wearing a cowboy hat and boots Oh, fuck I came up with the ultimate jest today Completely organic and natural. I accidentally went through the non-easy pass And I look at the ladies and I got the easy pass I'm gonna go Dude, she goes, oh, okay. Yeah Wait, was it an easy pass or did you pull up to the cash only? I had the cash only

So you pulled up the cash only and just go Well, now, now what I do, this is Sean's idea. You attempt to hand him your easy pass, but I got the easy pass Just go, yeah, go ahead. I'm gonna go through It's it's so funny. I mean that honestly must happen quite a bit Which is fucking geezers and foreigners just coming through like, hey, I have it And they're like, no, you're good. It's like good This good I got the easy pass I'm gonna go through

Okay, I went last night. I did less last night. They're showing Long Beach, New York There's a town that's oh, it's it's a secluded white island. Really? Yes, dude They've they have a toll that's cash only there's no easy pass To enter on the bridge and then you get in there and you have to pay for beach passes And it's just firefighters and cops It's just a white paradise, dude. What do you gotta flick it? I gotta flick like a 9-11 coin. Yeah, you gotta give him a 9-11 coin and then I'll never forget What's the password go black out on the beach?

Yes, it's a it's a fat whitehead paradise. Really I fit right in there like what are you a cop? Pretty much pretty much pretty much. I was mad during the riots Pretty much I didn't like that at all I'm one of you guys welcome to the force Yeah, it was fun though didn't stand up in front of a bunch of Long Beach fucking morons. That's awesome. They were great It was just the bros long bunch of just fucking Long Island bros dude backwards hats Hockey jerseys screaming. Oh, it was fun. It was fun. That's a good. I gotta get you there I gotta get you there. I would love lbi

You would you would do well there see a bunch of cop heads Bunch of cop heads. Hello my big-headed brother. Yes. What's up fat heads a fat buzz Oh my god, I didn't even show you this what? Soder brought this I I showed Soder this I sent a picture of this dude. You're never gonna believe this dude So I was driving I was in Rhode Island and this dude looked You know how like you're you shouldn't realize who your doppelganger is. Yeah, like if you see someone that looks like you You don't realize it. Yeah, this guy looked so much like me. I was like, what the

And then Soder was like, oh, yeah, I forgot you have fat new England head and there's like 90 dudes that look like it This is how I saw the man You don't see the resemblance in the face Oh my god What the fuck are you guys talking about? It's I get it. Let me zoom in. Let me see. He was smaller than me, but we've got the same dimensions, dude The zoom hurts his headphone is nice He's chilling. Yeah, I mean you just got the fucking echo sweatpants on sitting on a guardrail along a highway

Dude that guy fucking rules. Yeah, it's a legend That is a town legend, dude. Beena beena new england fat heads fucking Yeah, there was a guy at our old job. We should call Buffalo head There's a dude at an old job. He's called Buffalo head This big black dude with a humongous fucking head and one day this guy called it to him to his face He's a go Buffalo head and rolling. Oh, no, no, no, dude. That's what we all say when we laugh behind his back Oh, fuck dude, we're uh, where are we at? Yeah, let's switch over, baby. Wow. That's nice

All right. What uh, what do we got there? We'll be in where you going? We insult like this weekend, but don't worry y'all That's all sold out. Sorry Oh, but I do need to sell tickets to levity live march Third through the fifth All right, and then march 17th 18th 19th. I think that's denver comedy works It might be sold out, but take a look Oh, this is a big one that I haven't promoted march 24th 25th 26. I'll be in edmonton canada. Whoa I'm headed up to canada the truckers will let you it's time for me. Yeah

I need to have a conference with the boys in edmonton. That'll be Yes, I need to talk to justin from canada I'm gonna say justin from canada cut it out with the black face. Would you we knock it off the fuck are you doing? Cut it out with a freezing bank account stuff, dude That's nonsense. You gotta wonder where that go that money has to go somewhere It was frozen Just that's it. They don't deplete it. It just can't access it. Can't like the cops can like steal your car I'm sure I'm sure the canadian government is like put that towards like I'm sure they could

I'm sure they can be yeah. I'm sure they can be like Uh, we signed a new bill where if you were in the trucker rally They're bees pushing for you're gonna donate that money to the native To native people they were saying well, they they're locking them up, too They're locking up the natives. Yeah, dude. They got those guys. They can't go out and do their like regular native life stuff Hey, hey, hey, hey, god damn man Yeah, you know what dude, you know what Yeah, like you're out doing shit

They you know, they they have to they have to basically would go into a reservation and be like, yo By the way, you guys got this full covid protocols lock it down They lock those dudes down, man. Of course in australia, too Some bullshit dude the fuck I would never go Do you see they were going to like into the amazon and like given the vaccine or like tribes that hadn't met people yet? Yeah, they're like, hi We fucked up We fucked up pretty bad just in case. Oh, we have it. Yeah, sorry. Oh my god. We gave it to your tribe

Jesus Guys matt, where are you go to buffalo new york march 12th? Oh, yeah Helium buffalo and that's gonna be litty the big the big test dude. This is I might I might retire off this but The big test is gonna be bananas dude bananas. I believe is april 29th Try to find it. You're gonna sell that out, bro That thing's gonna be packed. I don't know. I'm always I'm always ready for anything. That is one of the saddest I heard well, I mean you're lucky, bro. Yeah, I've been doing Matt. Let me tell you what it was like

Let me tell you what it was like, bro. Is that like going out there with zero fans to bananas? You want to talk about a bad time? Wait till you get to bananas. You're gonna say who would live here Really? It's hell. We cut the rutherford the one time. Yeah, you it's a dry. It's a highway. It's a fucking highway Yep, this hotel is along the highway. I saw it actually. I went to my cousin's wedding. We passed it. It's a long a long Yeah, it's a long longest highway april 29th. Don't listen to shame. I love rutherford april 29th, april 30th To fucking wop down of shit, dude

April 29th, april 30th But anyway, you're gonna get imagine this dude. You're gonna go into a nice hot crowd In a fucking banquet hall of a holiday in along the highway. Yeah now imagine doing that for 25 people I did I've yes I did I went up to cool. I went up to fucking uh, you'll see I did I did you see that room Imagine it empty dude the Bristol comedy. I did the Bristol comedy works, dude. I mean not as a headline. It's different though Just get a headliner. Yeah, that's different. Just get ready. That's it's a sad room While you're up there, just go I wonder what this would have been like. Yeah, except I would have like two guys

they're like, yeah That'd be a room full of wops eating fucking pasta Staring at I battled the wops up in somewhere in New York a long time ago up a gig salad gig and just came out and just Dude, they fucking hated me. Yeah, I had to hit him with Ginzo. It was Cinco de Mayo I'll be happy Ginzo de Mayo and dude they were all like what the fuck They're so bad They're doing like fucking spaghetti. They had like spaghetti. They had guacamole, which I was making fun of. I'm like you fucking wops

I want to make guacamole I wish I'd been sharp that night I'm like you wops can't make guacamole knock it off. Yeah, I was like who made it They're like we didn't make it put they pointed some Mexican lady and I was like, all right. Nice. She did Um guard dog, you got anything you want to promote? Yeah, dude Uh No, well, I'll do a beezy show tomorrow at going to hell at helium But oh, yeah, this will probably come out just before that and I think they're due I think it's sold out

So, oh nice. Sean, you should have a meet and greet after you still Do a meet and greet dude. Do a meet and greet after going to hell No, set up set up a merch table after yes, you should dude Guys, please stop teasing We're not teasing we're trying to fucking show you the business dude. You're right. I'm sorry Sell water sell like Gatorades or something after the show. Yeah, go be like one of those kids on fucking Lincoln have Yes, pretty football team. I'm gonna do turtles like the guys Please don't attack the Muslim community

Why aren't you renewables We don't sell water I was just thinking my Aunt Kathy calls Italians gindaloons. I always felt that was fun That's pretty fun. That is that wins gindaloons wins Gindaloons is nice. All right, we're gonna switch over to the patreon guys join the patreon for imagine you had fun this hour Dude, I think of a whole nother hour of laughs and imagine when we really get to let our hair down, dude Yeah, I'm probably not gonna wear the hat for the second episode. So imagine how cool that's gonna be Think about it