Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 387 - Promise Me (feat. Ryan Long)

Episode Date: March 16, 2022

Support the D.A.W.G.Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod Sup broz. Just blessin you with a hot cast. NBD. Elite bro from up north Ryan Long joins the D.A.W.G.Z. this ep. We discuss Ryans new special "White Immigrant" available on his YouTube. We also discuss our pasts, Shane's trip, passing gas, and competitive munching. Plus Burke almost sings us a beautiful muslim song at the end. Please enjoy.  Support Ryan @ patreon.com/theboyscast Shows mssecretpodcast.com/dates/ shanemgillis.com/ Support the show by downloading the DraftKings Sportsbook app, and use promo code DRENCHED to get $200 in free bets when you spend $5 Support the show and get 20% Off with the code DRENCHED at Lucy.co  

Ready, go to fuck, Sean. Ryan Long, dude, what's up in the building, dude? We got a, you know what? Actually, I just got I was on the dip pods that you told me to get on. And then I put those because they were taken over my life. These these two cigarettes per pot, he tells me. Yeah, they're too much. I'm addicted to them.

The Lucy's. And it's a weird one. I'm also getting addicted to sponsors. I'm laughing at that. Cratom guy's like substance. I'm sitting here addicted to these substances. I'm shilling out the fucking people. Now I'm addicted.

Are you addicted? What are you addicted to Lucy's? Yeah, they're good. We'll come out with a new product to help everyone get off Lucy's. Oh, yeah, I mean, are you addicted? Are you addicted to the shit we gave you? No, they got you constantly on the run right now. The what?

From one thing to another. Yeah, from cigarettes to vapes to true back on cigarettes. Then you go back on the pods with just two cigarettes. Good for Philip Morris, though, just sticking with it. Everyone's like that's fucking evil, dude. And eventually they're like, no, no, Lucy rules. We're not dispatching our sponsor. What's Lucy?

It's our sponsor. I thought you were talking about a Lucy cigarette, like what's six line was ratting on people. No, that's illegal, dude. Yeah, never sponsored illegal sale of cigarettes. There's one guy that sells Lucy's in my neighborhood, but he literally fingers them all up with his hands. Oh, yeah.

And I asked him twice, like, hey, if you're going to give me cigarettes, can you touch it with not the filter? Keeps handed to you. Oh, you're mad at the guy selling Lucy's here? You're complaining about service? Like, you'll be careful that it has a risky business. Lucy's?

Sale of Lucy's, yeah. Selling Lucy's in New York will get you fucking strangled to death by the cops, dude. Yeah, to God, fuck off. He got the death penalty for that. He did. These guys don't care. They have a lighter attached to the thing ready to go.

You light it in the stove. Oh, they light it for you? Oh, they don't care. That's actually kind of nice. You live in Brooklyn? That's great. No, this is East Village. Oh, nice.

Yeah, yeah. You'll be just normal people coming in to buy the paper and some guys lighten the cigarette on the string. It's kind of gentlemanly, though. It is. If I were, if I owned a convenience store, I would just sell that guy cigarettes and make, yo, sell Lucy's outside and light everyone up.

And they come out and give them a little light. That's a nice touch. It is a nice touch. The funny part is most people that buy the Lucy's, they buy two or three and they keep it in the same pack. So they always have one pack of cigarettes. They refill it three at a time. Kind of nice.

Nice little racket they got going on. What the fuck was that? I'm glad I never got addicted to nicotine. Very happy. It's nice. I'm telling you, I might start. I might get into it. It is funny that people go back to cigarettes.

I think it's more of a get into in your 30s thing now, yeah. Yeah, I think so, too. That's why I started doing Coke. 30s. Once I hit my 30s, I was like, it's time for me to invest in doing cocaine. See you how that does. Yeah, that's a, I guess that's not a bad one.

Wait, at least you're more mature. Wait until my heart's mature. Yeah, get your heart nice and mature. Get very overweight and then it's like, all right, now it's time. Frontal cortex is formed of your heart. Yes. Now it's time.

It's a bad one to get caught up on. Cocaine? Yeah. Yeah, it's a rough one. It's a bad one. Especially when it completely takes a hold of a person that fucking stinks. Takes a hold of girls hard, too.

Oh, man. Girls get rocked by cocaine. Dude, it's everything they need. It's perfect. They're like, I don't eat anything. They don't eat it. I've seen girls like go gray in complexion from Coke. They get beased up.

They get beased. Our buddy, six, you and Brian, six, any time he gets on drugs, his face just goes gray. He loses all blood. That was a ramp. It's fucking crazy. He's sort of a red guy to begin with, too. He is red and then he'll just come into a room

and you'll be like, oh, fuck, dude, what happened? He's like, what? Yeah, what? Yeah, dude, that's a girl. And first of all, girls love Coke. Adderalls, girls. Now they're all ad-ed up. They all went back to like 1950s

when we used to give housewives like, remember that? We used to give them housewives like Adderall. Adderall is designed, it's perfect for ladies. They just clean and don't eat. They can get a meme, though. You just get a perfect, and then they get a little nasty. They get cranky, dude.

They run out of their Adderall. And then they stop cleaning and they start munching and they sit there, dude. Start munching. They start fucking munching and they start yapping at you. I can tell, too. I remember a date and a girl that she was,

and they'd always be like, I'm not, I'm like, listen, I don't care. We're not even that in a relationship. And she goes, I never did. Well, mine, you go, is a visibly different person. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, two completely different people. Yeah, I like when people try to hide their drugs.

Yeah, it's pretty nice. Like my sister was trying to hide that she was on heroin. It's just so funny. Why? She was just like, yeah. You'd be like, yo, what are you doing? The best is hiding it from people who don't care. Yeah, you go, I'm not your girlfriend.

You don't want to do coke, do coke, you don't care. Dude, my friend would do, I think at the time, I think it was heroin, but he would like have one beer and be like, dude, I'm just tired, man. Yeah. I'm like, nah, that cruise light took me down. That's when we realized my sister was doing it because she, it was at a Christmas party

and she had like two glasses of wine. Yeah. And then we went to Sheets and when we were driving, my sister, my other sister was driving and came up to a red light and my sister was sitting shotgun and it nodded off. Just smacked her head on the dash. We were like, what?

She's like, I'm just tired from the wine. We're like, you're in one glass, dude. Yeah. Something else going on. I'm like, I'm just tired of the heroin. Yeah. Pretty fun. That'd be nice for the Christmas party.

Imagine like a nice sweater. Holy fuck, dude. Christmas lights just sitting there with all your family on heroin. Yeah. I mean, I don't know. I give her credit. I mean, she stopped doing it.

So that's a good run. I was telling Sean my brief run with the opiates. I weren't for me, but I remember it's like. What'd you do? I was just selling perks. So like, my one friend was like, dude, you have to try these things. One for you, one for me.

Yeah, I took like a 15 milligram rocket set or something. And then I took a 10 milligram per cassette and then I drank syrup. And I was like, I was pretty fucked up. Yeah. Not gonna lie. I was laying on a futon just like floating

in my face. Pretty nuts. Straight up cough syrup or is there some? It's pro meth. It's pro meth. I was, I was slaying at syrup. What's that? What does that mean?

I'm picturing like. Pro meth is a purple drink. But not just. It's not a regulation. Like you have to get it from a guy. So it was prescription. No, it was sipping. I was sipping syrup.

It wasn't, it wasn't DXM. I wasn't robot tripping. This was syrup. This was pancakes and syrup. I had the motherfucking pills. I had the motherfucking syrup. I was just doing any of those jokes. Ah, did the oxys I probably did a lot of.

And I didn't like. Jesus. I probably did. I was being a gentleman eating percassettes. Oxys. Straight up. And I got them from. I probably did a lot of oxys.

I had a bunch of like broken noses and stuff. And I kept getting prescribed oxys. So at one point. Oxycodone or oxycontin? Was it oxycodone or oxycodone? Well, which one did they give you for that? Like broken nose, not oxycontin. Okay.

It's oxycodone. Okay. They're the same thing. Oxycontin is oxycodone, but it's like 80 milligrams. But I was kind of liking them. But I was tweaking. I remember one time. I don't like them now though.

I think people love them. Dude, I used to, I was at that one point. I was, I did like three days in a row. I would get up in the middle of the night and then I'll be kind of still tweaking on them. And then I would go to my computer. I go, I got to send this email to the guy. You know, they're going to get me and blah, blah.

And I'm like, okay, I got to shoot this off before I get to back to bed. I go, I can't find this guy's contact. And then I would kind of be like, what contact? Who, what guy? Who am I sending this to? Maybe they were giving you oxycodone. I go, I don't even have a job.

Oh no. Yeah, it gets you frigging tweaked. That's terrible. I've heard, I've heard opiates make people angry. I know, I know. I'll tell you that, dude. First thing I experienced, dude, I had a grumpy sister.

Yeah, it did. She was such a fucking grumpy. Isn't that just when she doesn't have it though? No, you get, if you take, if you're on opiates, my one friend said viking in specifically, he would take vikes and then just be like, pissed. He'd be at work, he'd just be at work and just be like, fuck, dude, he'd be a dickhead.

He's like, sorry, man, these vikes make me fucking mean. Stop taking. God, that sucks. Yeah, yeah. Cause that's what happened. Once you get like fully addicted, you're just, you're miserable. Yeah.

You're like taking it to not be sick and then you're just mad the whole time. Let me get my coffee so I can get grumpy. Yeah. You don't talk to me after having my coffee or before. Or you have to constantly interact with pill dealers too. So shitty. It's nothing worse than hanging out with dudes

who sell opiates. They are the biggest pieces of, I'm saying this, including myself back in the day. You, were you a jerk? I was, I used to sell Suboxone and Oxycontin. So if people would try to get off Oxycontin, I'd be like, well, here's Suboxons and I would sell them. You probably killed a couple of people.

Yeah, yeah. People would sell you Suboxons to try to get Oxy's. So I'd be like, I'll trade, dude. They're, they're pretty, they're at your mercy. It's a buyer's market. That's a hustle. Oh dude, dude, then dudes would take Suboxons just to get fucked up if they, if they like,

we're off and for all like, I'll just take a sub and get fucked up. It's the craziest shit. Dude's would smuggle methadone out in their mouth and spit it out and sell it. It's crazy. Methadone's fun. The opiate thing is the most fucked up.

It's fun to see. Methadone? Watching people crush methadone. Yeah. Cause you can take methadone and the Xanax. Yeah, fucking wrecked from methadone, dude. Dude, if you take meth and his Xanax, methadone and his Xanax, it's like being on heroin.

They figured that out down at the clinics and all of them were like, Yeah, I hear that guy. We're back boys. I think you just switched to heroin at that point. I think, yeah, you stop going to. Well, that way you can, I guess you're right, yeah. You're getting out of heroin,

but you found the perfect combination of the basic heroin again. It's free though. You get the free, you get the free methadone and you just score Xanax script and you're, the party's on, dude. The party's back, fucking hell. It's back to the party, dude.

You're with all your boys at the clinic, dude? You're like, You're like the fucking NSYNC Marionette stage. That's nice. I wish we got, we should get into that. Pills? Yeah. We could probably, yeah.

We could get addicted to pills and then run the podcast for like one or two more years. It's so good. And just fucking drive this thing straight into the ground. It'd be so good, dude. And then you'd have a whole press tour about how we're back and we're getting off. You could find God.

Never be that good ever again. Nothing would be as good as watching a podcast. No, but it wouldn't supposed to be good. It's inspirational at that point. Watching a podcast deteriorate the drugs would be very fun. Be awesome, man. We'll see.

We'll see. I'll keep my eye on the numbers. If they start slipping, it's timed. I wouldn't start calling people my year. It's more believable at this age when the, you know, the 20 year old who's got the drug problem is a big eye roll for me. The what?

20 year old with the drug problem. Like in college, the guy that had to go to rehab for Coke, you go, yeah, that's kind of that's bullshit. It's like, dude, come on. Yeah, there's a bunch of, there's people that are like, I was an alcoholic and it's like when? Yeah.

When I was 19. There's a lot of comics that's that. Oh my God. I've been off alcohol, I'm 30 years sober, I'm 50, you go drink a few times in your 20 and you're a hassle. I saw a couple of comics battle a craft beer addiction. I'm an alcoholic.

I'm like, bro, I've only ever seen you drink like IPA. You're not an alcoholic. Sorry. Yeah, I was. My addiction dude to fucking. I might have to check in a rehab for Bud Light's. To fucking Guinness. Yeah, it was crazy.

Yeah, you got to check in a fat camp if you're getting too into the IPA. Yeah, the IPA should get you. That happened dude to the whole old scene. The old scene. They all got fat as shit. That's what happened. Yeah, they got craft beers, dude.

They got hit with the IPA's and then now they all beets and sweaters. You get wide hips and a soft dick, dude. They got jolly. Very jolly old scene. Stop like your girlfriend doesn't look as pretty. I think IPA's make you kind of gay. Definitely.

I think you get like wide hips or you start producing estrogen and your dick stops working. You're like, why am I hanging out? Why do I live in my girlfriend? Yeah. Hang out with my old buddies. And they just pretend girls are funny. 15 years, you're like, I think she's hilarious.

Fuck you. Or it actually works. You're like 10 beers, drink, drink, deep. You're like, that's actually pretty funny. You go, what the fuck? All right, I got me on bartending. You wake up to your patriarch, you're like, Jesus Christ. That is what happened, dude.

Subscribe to the caller daddy offshoots. Oh, god damn. That is exactly what happened to the old scene. Oh, yeah. Philadelphia, at least. Yeah, they got it. I'm sure it was nationwide. It was in epidemic.

The craft beers hit. Trump led them. Trump broke all of them and they're all fat bitches. They're just sitting there like, this is not OK. I got some easier tensions. Here, have a sip. Here's my IPA's, dude. The local Communist Lodge.

That fucking destroyed communism. IABV's fucking. Oh, another thing called. Yeah, that fucked up the Comrade. I think the CIA gave the all team craft beers to disrupt the communists. Couple of them got a little handsy. They did get a couple of IPAs because they

start touching people. Oh, god. Yeah, they did get handy. They did, dude. They kept getting. The sex pest got handsy. They fucking grabbed the lady's cross. They kept.

They came out so hard against all that stuff. And then it just like one after the other, like, oh, this improv guy grabbed my ass. Yeah, this all. Dude, they constantly got busted. I mean, it was a guy in the Toronto scene that got busted for being like a legit child pedophile. Whoa.

Yeah, he was. He was like doing child porn. Who, Drake? This guy's name is Kai, I think. Yeah, he was. I won't say his last name, but he. So basically when all this stuff was happening, then people started posting like, yo,

did this guy get busted for child porn? And then the people in the Facebook group took it down because they want to give him a fair shake because he was like one of their boys. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then it came out. This was like on the news, right? And then it's.

And he was straight up going to meet people to buy hard drives and stuff. That's a dark. You know, man, or is he just like, was he selling some of it? Or is it all headstache? I think he's more of this is personal. And not my body, who is his uncle was a cop or whatever. Because you're when you hear about someone get first time,

you go, who that could be an accident to file ends up in your computer. I don't know. Whatever. He buys files. No, no, no. But all you hear is like this guy. This I go, oh, that could have been some girl.

He had a photo of a girl. Like, I don't know exactly what it means. Sure. It's fair. Then but then my body was like, no, no, no. If you get busted for child porn, they've been watching you for a year. Yeah.

Because they've been they've been checking on your computer that there's no. Well, because they know it ruins your life. Mounties are in there. These are going to children. They do the undercover sting. The dude is wearing like a fucking nutcracker hat. That's what it is.

You know, was he funny? No, not really. Not that hilarious. They know if they ruin your life, if they put the accusation out there. So apparently they're a little bit sparing with it. Wow. That's nice to.

Yeah. Yeah, if you toss out child porn accusation, like because then you go about you. That's the child porn guy. You go misunderstanding. Yeah, yeah. Everybody go, OK. That's on you for a distinct.

Yeah, they do. They do pile up the evidence on you. They kind of lay don't like I only heard of one person. That's because they're the bros, dude. They're like, dude, I look at porn every day. Anyone get caught in the car? Easy. Let's not toss this out willy nilly.

I know a guy in my college who got in trouble. He I think he was 18 freshman year. And apparently his dorm got raided because he downloaded that one fabled like 17 year old girl gives hand job. He clicked it and apparently they busted into his room. I mean, that's what he claims. He might have been downloading tons of child porn.

Definitely. I should sell like I tons of purposes. Yeah, dude. You want perks? What's better than that, dude? Now it's time to fire up some CP. You're burning your fucking. Napster was full of that stuff.

Like kids did well. Dad watches like whenever you type in just born, you know, it would list off like the wildest shit. Oh, dude, no, it wouldn't be that. Like, you know, it'll probably be like a Dane Cook video. It actually be. That'd be nice if they came in and those people came in and kicked in your door for the seven, the fabled 17 year old

girl gives hand job. You're like, actually, it's Dane Cook. Just Dane Cook. It's always Dane Cook. Napster days, it was always Dane Cook. Gather around and watch with you. It's pretty good. That's hilarious.

It's like I spit in water right now. That was the funniest thing back then. Yeah. I saw Dane Cook when I was in college. I was like, this is the funniest thing. He was incredible. Yeah. No, it's where the hand signals.

That's it. I can't do it. I thought he was giving you guys a 10 minutes. Keep it rolling. Oh, no. Let's wrap this thing up. Keep cooking. That'd be nice.

Nice 10 minutes. Just sitting on perks. And we're off, boys. Trying so hard to move your arms to get to the CP. Yeah. Just like. The perks are pretty fluid on them. They just give you perk head eyes.

So you're just kind of like, all the time, your eyes are like squished. You're like, stop, bro. Dude, my buddy would do perks or viking, whichever one just makes you sweat and lay there. Both? Yeah. He would come in and just sit.

I'd be playing video games. He would just sit next to me, just sweaty, just drenched. That's a sweaty drug, for sure. That sucks. Yeah, the vikes, people complain. The vikes, people say, aren't strong enough. The perks are the preferred. I had a good mushroom racket at Guelph University,

where I was selling pretty good amounts of mushrooms. That's nice. And then I had maybe the worst mushroom treatment of all time. And I got out of the game. Yeah. What do you have? When you have tons of mushrooms, and then you're taking them,

you're selling mushrooms. Yeah, I took a quarter ounce that way when I was 19, being like, I just grabbed a handful at one time. I was like, that was fun. And I took two handfuls. I'm like, this will be twice as much fun. Yeah, yeah. I lost my fucking mind.

Dude, I like walked out of my house and was just in the hood. And I was just like, this is so fucking scary. I'm dead meat. I just ran back to my house and was like, yeah. Yeah, yeah, I locked myself in my restroom, and I wouldn't come out here in college. And you wore the plug. And you were in the plug.

Just let me die. The Canadian plug is locked in his room. Like, this isn't cool, guys. It's not that fun anymore. I'm under the bed. What did you do? Did you have to offload the rest? Or did you have to like?

Know what happened? The problem was I smoked too much weed while I was on all the mushrooms. It was the mix that did me in. Damn, man, that'll get you. They heighten weed. Exactly, because it's the psychedelic component of the, you know, the split your brain component of weed.

I don't like that stuff. Mushrooms and weed, yeah, it makes you scared. When you're on the mushrooms and you have a little bit of weed. Being scared sucks. Yeah, especially when you're scared, you don't know what's going on. You know who I knew? I knew these hippie dudes.

It was kind of like a town like fucking Portland or something, right? There's all these hippie dudes that played in these jam bands and I kind of met them through music or whatever. And then these guys started basically got me selling for them at the university. It turned you out. It turned me out.

Gave me the bushes. They go, all right, have these mushrooms. They go, all right, we got you on camera doing that. So. Thanks for your thighs, dude. Yeah, you download a couple of CP porn. Next thing you know, you're working for these guys. Like I see what you just downloaded.

You can do five in the bin or you make decent money. Basically, it was like every four months. Yes, you know what it is, right? That's very tough. Now it's different. Every four months you come in, you go, you tell everyone. You know, everyone does mushrooms now. Now you could you could just sell mushrooms if you wanted to.

Before it was back in the day, you got mushrooms. Everybody nice. You know, like, mushrooms are coming through December 7th. Dude, people do them twice a year back in the day. Now, like people will. Everyone I know is doing mushrooms constantly. Yeah, people. It's like we now, like people would do mushrooms all the time.

A lot of people try to get sober and be a mushroom guy. Dude, back in the day, it was rough. You'd cop the pea of mushrooms. No, I know. It's just like that sucks. I'm a buddy and they go, you know, at the bar, you'd be like, every day taking mushrooms and you're like, this isn't better. Something's going to go wrong.

Dude, you're giving me PTSD when you cop the pound of mushrooms, you're about to come up, you give some material boys and go, what's good? They're like, I don't want those for like a year. And you're like, fuck. You have a pound of mushrooms in your apartment for eight months. Sucks, dude. Yeah, that's part of the game, though.

That's part of the lifestyle sucks. Nice. Yeah, that was the worst part. Are you still getting jacked with the trainer? She tell me. No, I just took a week off. I was skiing in Park City. Oh, yeah, skins.

That's trip sound seemed fun. It was. It was. But, you know, fucking four straight. The Ari and Ryan O'Neill are good skiers. So they were just I was just the last day I was by myself on the fucking bunny hills. Did that's good. No, it's sucked.

You were just waiting for them to come down to start party and in the shallot. Yes, I had to sit by myself. That's a fun one day thing. We just wait towards like the very bottom of the slope. OK, it's OK. No, I had to fucking you're cheering them on. I don't ride the lift by myself of like families.

It's all little kids. What about Ian Ian? Ian was great. He had he was no, he was a bad skier, but he had no fear. He just went straight. He would have his jacket open and stuff. Yeah, so fucking fun. Dude, I like that.

He this this was the funniest thing. So we were like, dude, you can hit the moguls. You're very good. Oh, he was like, I'll hit the moguls. It's like, dude, do it. He goes to the top of this pretty steep hill of just moguls. And he's like, whoo, here we go. And he just went straight and he hit it like a ramp, dude.

He hit the first the top mogul head on. And he was like, I thought you ramped over these things. Dude, he hit it and just exploded on the second mogul. Just went off the top one chronically bad back. He was taking falls. So that's why he's a maniac. Yeah, Jesus Christ. It was it was the hardest I've laughed in a very, very.

Yeah, and you're like, dude, you're going to hurt yourself. He goes, I could be so lucky. I deserve it. No, I was I was I just kept talking him into ramps. You did the right thing. I was like, dude, you can do that. Yeah, you did the right thing. Yeah, you're at the bottom of the hill with four.

I was so happy. Lunch, guys. Yeah, I just drank. I had I had a nice blue. I had a couple of blue hills, dude, which up in the Rockies, dude, that's nothing to sneeze out of there. Bro, there's you start and you're at the top of a fucking mountain in the Rocky Mountains.

It's terrifying. The there's a cliff. The sides of the fucking path is a cliff. Yeah, I like that. It was terrifying. I was like, this sucks. Being scared, dude. I was just scared.

Should be good times. And then I got on the fucking Green Hill, the little bunny hill. What's the two of it? Just me and children. Did you have to do the thing? The the pole, the pole chair? No, no, thank God. What's tubing like up there?

I was looking for tube. Yeah, you probably die. Tubing would be nasty. Tubing, yeah, it'd be terrifying. You ever see those like clear balls they put people in? What? Yeah, there's like a giant ball and you get inside of it. Dude, there's a video online of one that they lose control of it

and it falls off the mountain and they die. It's so scary. What do they hold? They have a string on it or something? No, it's just a clear inflatable ball. Well, how do you get stopped? There's there's usually stuff. There's like a ramp at the end.

It like stops you. But this they missed it. They went off the side and died and they perished in a fucking dumb inflatable ball. That's how you perish. And there's a lot of the remains out of that thing. Yeah, you're all splattered up in there. A big turkey bag.

There's a lot of those weirds flying too. Yeah, you almost. Yeah, you go, is this safe? They go, nah, yeah, you go. A couple of people did die. Dude, while I was going up, I saw somebody getting fucking carted down. I was like, I'm not.

This is this is a little fucking risky, fellas. You just had your poles dug in the entire time. I'm so scared, bro. Dude, see, doing the same thing or like, did they take the sleds on the lake? Like people, like three people die a year every time. Jet skiing is terrifying. Yeah.

And jet skiing not long ago was terrifying. Yeah, you got lost in the waves. My lady got fucking my lady. But you don't, people don't die during that. You were lost, you see. People get fucked up, you can break your neck. You don't realize when you're fault, when you're going that fast and you hit the water,

it'll fuck you up. That's so fun. It is fun. You ran from the waves. But yeah, I had my way. You should never do anything. That's that's my life. So I can't believe I went skiing.

No one can be trusted. No event can be trusted. I don't like it. That's why I want skydive. I refuse. I've been invited to skydive so many times. Dude, the teams asked me to skydive. I said, zero chance.

If I was strapped to the back, I consider it. If I got to hold a gun, strapped to the back, fire. It would be nice to have a team member on my back. That'd be sandwiched. If I got fucking sandwiched, that'd be nice. Two team members flying through the air. It's a dream. Alpha Charlie, just give me a radio.

Alpha Charlie Bravo, Alpha Charlie Bravo. Yeah, just start making calls to the rest of the teams. I had an ex that was trying to make me go skydiving. I was like, yeah, zero interest in doing anything like that. Won't do it. Absolutely. Not on the docket. I won't skydive. If I was, if I was your guy's size, maybe, I'm a big unit,

dude, that's a fucking, I really got to trust that parachute. I think I'm getting that train and knowing me, I'd be a little fucking bitch about it. They'd be like, how much do you weigh? I'd be like, two 30. I'd be ashamed of my actual weight. We only need the the lightweight cables. Yeah, yeah, great.

Oh, great. It'll be fun to get up in the plane. You're like, I lied about my weight. I know a dude who used to get stoned and go skydiving. It's the craziest fucking thing. It was insane. He would, the guy is, you know, like, if you do it a lot, he was certified.

You got to pay somebody to pack your parachute. If you don't do it yourself and he would pay the guy in weed to pack his parachute. I'm like, dude, that would be, I'd be so nervous. The guy was like, hi, packing my parachute. Then I'm high jumping out of it. I was like, dude, he got reprimanded for it. And it was kind of like, dude, they're being ridiculous.

I'm like, what are the reprimanding? They're like, dude, you stink like weed. You can't be high jumping out of the plane. He was like, dude, come on, man, don't be a square. They got a good point. Yeah, watching somebody fall straight down without a parachute would be pretty fun. Not not fun, but it'd be funny to see like the guy who's

like, come on, man, let me up there. It's just a little weed. And you just see him fly. Well, once you accept, once somebody is falling, you accept it, you're like, it's your job. And you're like, he's, there's nothing I can do. It must, you must be able to be like, well, all right. Well, this would be cool to see.

I guess I'll watch this. I'll always remember this. It's an explosion, right? It has to be, I think people bounce. What? I think one guy lived, I think. Yeah, there's been people who live. There's been people who live. There's one guy.

I think that was his whole shtick, because he was like, I'm going to jump out of the plane with no parachute. And I guess you try to catch a run. Just explode. Did he live? I think well, there has been people that live. I mean, sometimes land is going to be just a failed. The dream is a tree, I think land. Yeah, it has to be. Yeah, OK.

Not no one's ever just like matrixed off the ground. I mean, like, what the fuck? Yeah, no, you got to die. He's definitely died. Even if you hit water, you're fucked. You're dead. True. There was that guy who jumped out of that building in New York and lived.

He fucking landed on a car from like 10 stories up. There's a video of it. He like gets up with like his arm like hanging off. He's like, what the fuck? What happened? That's pretty great. Jumping out of the big building. Like he lands on the roof of the car.

So he's just smashed. Was he trying to kill himself? Yeah. What a bummer. Yeah, that sucks. Your life's a way worse. Just destroy your arm. There's a guy viral like a fucking moron. And they got their face shot off and they're just like,

you know, I almost killed myself, but I learned to live. You go, this is worse. Yeah. If you want to kill yourself then, this has got to be a good, better reason. This time. Scary, though. You're like, fuck it, I'll do it. Then you do it once.

And you're like, that was fucked up. That sucked. I don't have it in me. You don't have any for the second time. Second time around is tough. No, you got to hit. You go drugs the second time of jumping off the building. Didn't work.

I don't know why people don't just always go drugs. You can fuck that one up, too. You know, I just have to accidentally have a great time. That stinks. And we kicked out of your apartment complex. You're overdue. If you try to kill yourself and overdose, you get kicked out of your apartment complex.

Go to rehab. Really? You reset the whole clock. Yeah, we kicked out of your overdose off the lease. Immediate addiction. They don't fuck around. Really? Yeah.

Off the fucking seems fucking. That's where all the homeless people are from. That's a good way to try to get your spouse out. You know, you got to jump right out. Oh, yeah, it's poison or with heroin or heroin. You're like, dude, it's suicide. She's gone. You go, babe, that still sucks.

You're out. It would be pretty easy to do. I'm like, again, I have no interest in murdering my spouse, but that would be. Yeah, me neither. You could like a couple of people and you could easily poison somebody like, yeah, you fucking kill them. So it's crazy.

Definitely. You get away with that pretty good. Back in the day, that used to be the main move to make someone disappear. How'd you poison your husband, dude? Dude, back in the day, you probably That's what ladies serial killers do. They're always poison people.

No, they never get caught. Poison them and then take care of them. They like make them sick for years. Yeah, that's nice. That's actually nice. That's a good way to die. Just get slowly poisoned by your wife. Yeah, but she's probably so.

End to you. She's probably so mean to you. She's probably like, you never do anything right. And you're sitting there like, fuck, why does my stomach feel. Arsenic in my fucking food. Also, that guy, you got to be an idiot to not figure that out. Yeah. I would figure it out.

I would get one dose of mercury and I'd be like, bitch, what the fuck? Yeah, you know, yeah. I just like, why don't you put a blanket over me? I'd be like, what the fuck's going on? You're up to something, lady. It's like a dollhouse in the room. I'm like, what's happening? You want some soup?

It's mercury, isn't it? You see it like separating out of the water. Yeah, that'd be terrifying, dude. What? Having a munchausen mom would stink. Munchausen is by proxy. Even when they like, like, no, you're sick. And they make you like laying around all day inside.

You're like, my mom said, I can't come out. Your mom's just being like, he's sick. It's such a fucking perverse pleasure. It's milking your kid for sympathy. Yeah, I might munch out my fucking girlfriend. You should be like, you're sick, babe. You can't go anywhere. You should just give her laxatives constantly.

It's like, babe, it's not safe for you to stay in here. The porcelain can handle it. Oh, it's convinced a chick she has like total crows. It's like, babe, I love you for who you are. She's like, I can't go in here. You're a clinical fart machine. I don't know how to do it. It's a good way to break up with a girl.

Start dosing her with laxatives and be like, listen, these dumps are out of control. I'm going home. I don't even know who you are anymore. You used to never shit like this. Now you shit all the time. Yeah, but girls would hold it. They'd hold it in though.

They'd hold it into the name of love. Like they would just. That would kill them. That's not good for you. They would die. Yeah. They would die. You guys all right there?

Babe, what the fuck? We talked about this. You've got to stop shitting constantly. Babe, it's Thanksgiving. My whole family's out here. What the hell? No, it's a fun thing to do is when the girl goes to the bathroom. Generally, that's when they take their shits

before their showers, right? Because it's the only time it's safe. But three minutes after they did go in the shower, go knock on the door and say you need to get something. Yeah, it's fun. I need to get something quick. Any time my girl goes to the bathroom, I go in immediately and go, ew.

She's like, I didn't do it. I'm like, did you fart? This happened to me yesterday. Yesterday I did this. I didn't promise me right now. Swear to me on everything. You didn't fart in there. She's sitting there like, I didn't.

Dude, you know what gets them fired up too? I was sitting there yesterday cleaning out. I was cleaning out my closet, dude. Oh, yeah. We were getting worked on in our house. So I had to get everything out. Yeah, I was so sorry to my mama, dude. I had to clean out my closet.

Everything she would, she would like get. I'm going to give this a good will and I just go, you're a good girl. You're so mad. You fucking stop. I'm like, yo, you're a good girl, man. You are a good girl. My girlfriend, yeah, you're bringing that over.

She can't stop taking me seriously. And I can't, I can't be around someone that takes me that serious. So like no matter, I'll be like, did you put the fucking cups away? She's like, yes. Did I yell at her constantly? I guess the laundry's just doing itself today, huh?

Dude, I'll say shit like that to her. And she'll be like, well, I'm trying. Oh, man. I used to call my ex fat and she was like, tiny. And she was like, which is why it's OK to call you fat. And she'd be like, well, whatever. I'll stop eating or whatever. I go, what are you fucking out of your mind?

You're if anything, you're anorexic looking. It's gross. It's a wait on. Stupid fucking bitch. Yeah, they don't handle the funny, like the funny jazz. You'll give them out. Yeah, no problem. But yeah, if you hit them back with one, it's like.

It's nice using high level SAT words on them. Yeah. What do you hit them with? Boy words. Kermudgen. I hit it with a Kermudgen. Boy words. I don't know if that's a high level SAT word.

Pretty high levels. 1,100. That's 1,100. Kermudgen's like a fucking old person. Anything in four syllables. Anything. This goes ridiculous. That would get him.

I called her. And he had four syllables. Three syllables. That's three. Called him pigheaded. Like you're being pigheaded right now. Four. Just literary terms.

Pigheaded's nice. Hit him with literary terms. Pighead. You said I had a pighead earlier. The next day, it's like, what's your problem? I don't have a pighead. Yeah, hit it. I'm so excited to go back to my girlfriend right now

and yell at her. I tell girls you don't want to have kids with them because they would do something wrong with their genes. I don't want my kids to have those hands. Like it's hot on you, but what if we have a boy? He's going to have those weird little hands or something. That's a good prank. That is a nice thing to mind.

Fuck a woman. Like I could just never have a son with you. It's unfortunate. Your dad's too weak. You could bear me a week. Your father's too limp-risted. Your father's not a man. You should ask, but what's the size of your father's

penis? Like what's the size of your father's penis? I don't want to sire a child with a small penis to boy or that or maybe one with bigger than mine. You might have to king her at the situation. Yeah, we're going to need speedo pics of your dad. Yeah, if it's all the same to you, it's too big. I'm going to kill like a like a male bear.

I'm going to kill my first born competition. Yeah, that would be that would be tough to have a have a son and just having to have a fucking hog. I think I'd be OK with two or three years old and just being like, it's catching up quick. He's nipping at my heels, dude. Well, you get the nice glory days. It will come out in the nurse that you go like, obviously,

you know, you get to talk to the nurse. You'd have to start stuffing. You'd have to start stuffing yourself. Yeah. Have a nice little runner. Yeah, son comes out with a small one. I might do that. I might start stuffing.

I'm not lying. You should stuff in. Dude, Conrad Greger post pictures constantly with a stuffed fucking dick. Either that or he has boners constantly. That's a rap scene. You got to see that's the more likely. So I think he does have boners constantly.

He's gotten so jacked and all he does is post pictures. He's probably on T. So it might be a reaction. Really? He looks you get a lot of reactions on T. I mean, I don't know. More testosterone. Yeah, I think I think you do. I think you're actually I thought that would be bad.

It could be a picture. He's got a fucking boner. Now you're right. I don't get it. Let me see. At least he has a boner. At least he has a boner. I can't say.

And you take a bunch of photos, right? What the fuck, dude? You don't need to post the one. This is the first picture I looked at. All right, posted one the other day. It was great. It looks like a talk to boner. He got so fucking strong, dude.

Yeah, he's doing his fitness program now. Dude, he's like 200 pounds. He fought at 145. He's huge. And all he does is have boners. I'm on the altar. All the way to the penis. And the next one?

Does he have the hog? Barstool guy posts those, too. They like to post with it poking out. Really? A little poke out? Yeah, it's not really hard. Yeah, they like to see that. They like to be a tip imprint almost.

Really? I have that. It's just a fucking point right at you, dude. Give me the old witch point. Why is it like a Russian sub? It's nice to get like a chicken part mashup, dude. I've got the same thing. I've got fucking dead sites, dude.

Just fucking. Yeah, right down the scope. Little James Bond. Like a pool stick, dude. Just fucking. I like mine pointing upwards. You got a dong, don't you, dude? Not hitting the band.

This guy clearly has a huge dick. Yeah, it's unfair. If your dick pointing upward and Rex still not hitting the band. Yeah, what's it all about moving in different directions? I'm out. Yeah. We're fine. You have a big penis.

Long and skinny. Real fucking blade of grass. Hanging out the window. The probe. If you wrap it up and then put it together, you know, you make a fool. I was talking about the tuck. I told my, did I tell this on the pocket where I told the trainer

that I told, we were bench pressing and I was like, this brings back memories. Yes. And I told him about this. Yeah. I told him about it. You didn't tell me about that. And he was not excited about the story.

What the hell? I don't think. And then the next day I came in, I wore a t-shirt that had jizz on it. I go into the workout. I take my hoodie off the shirt. It has clearly has jizz on the side. Yeah.

Try. And I was like, by the way, this isn't come. And he was like, what is it? And I was like, it's definitely come, dude. He was like, this is crazy. This guy's sick of your shit. No, he's the man. But yeah, the day after I told him my dick came out when I was bench pressing.

Yeah, he thinks you're trying to fuck with me. The next day I came in with a come, with a come tribute on my shirt. Took a come walk at the gym. Oh my God. I can't believe it. Having the idea that you seem like a pain in the ass. You should have told him, you should have been like, dude,

I'm just auditioning for like a Korean game show. I have to wear a come. What does he say? Was he trying to get in touch with my feminine side? We moved on knowing, I mean, we did the workout, but there was it was very visible semen on a black t-shirt. What's next? What are you going to hit him with next?

I'm just going to have to fuck this guy. I'm going to just try to kiss him. You have to. He listens to this. He's going to. This is going to be an awkward next time I see him. So it was come. It was definitely come.

You should be like, can you train me into jitsu? True. Start wrestling with him. What's that one where the guy gets your back and is fucking to pin him like, oh, man, if he pinned me, he's a handsome guy. Dude, he's going to fuck like I have to go tomorrow. This won't be out. Nice buys me some time.

Yeah, he won't get. I actually got a shout out to the dude. I left a buffalo to a TSA guy. He was like, yo, man, saw the show last night and never listened to the podcast. But dude, it was great. I was like, thank God, you never listened to the podcast. I always brag about like smuggling pens.

That's awesome. Here's the man. Dude, he was eyeing me. He was like this. And I'm like, fuck you. I'm looking at you. What's up, bro? I'm trying to just get my weight.

I'm like, there's my bag. Let me get it. And it was totally clean. Nothing in it. But the never know, though. Yeah, I think, dude, I always got to give a good look. My school bag could have anything at any time. I never know.

So it's like, dude. Yeah, he was like, hey, man, I was there last night. I was like, dude, that's so funny. I'm glad they can get serious, too. Like, you know, there's a bit of coke on the toothbrush stuff like that. Good. OK, that's when they do that last little scan.

They scan you for like a tiny thing. My body, they took him for that. Like, well, yeah, this guy specifically, he kept getting stopped. But this one time they got him on the toothbrush and then he goes, they're like, oh, you got coke on your toothbrush. And he goes, I mean, yeah, that makes sense.

I do coke. They really ran his toothbrush for real. Well, they I don't know if I can't remember how it happened. But basically, they I don't know if it's like the dog or the thing that senses it or something. They do have that thing they can touch you. And like, if you have any sort of like particulate on. Yeah.

And then once they get that, then they start going through your stuff. Oh, yeah. And then they go and try to find stuff. They use this thing or whatever. But then afterwards they go, you know, they don't they can't. Like, if you just have the shit and they don't find anything that they can't do anything about it at that point.

Dude, Ari leaving. Still spooked, though. They thought me and Ari went to different security things at the airport and they took his lighter. So he comes over to me. Mine took forever. He's he comes over like I was like, what's up? He's like, I fucking hate TSA.

And I was like, yeah, for sure. And then I realized he was serious. Like he was like, furious. He's mad. Dude, he got in a fight with TSA. Really? They took his lighter. He's like, you fucking losers. You fucking loot.

Now it's Utah. So it's all honky TSA. Yeah. You got to fight with them. They brought over the cops. I'm like, dude, chill the fuck out. Yeah, let it go. It's just a lighter.

I'll buy you a new lighter. And he kept spazzing. Then we walked past me and Ari, walked past a cop. Clearly on the side. A cop and two TSA agents. He goes, I hope you fucking die. Each shit, motherfuckers. Each shit I hope to a cop.

And then fucking TSA was like, bro, it's a lighter. He's crazy. That's why he got away with it. They were just like, oh, real nice, mister. He's like, I hope you fucking die. I was like, dude, damn, don't say that at the airport. Bad boy behavior. He's a bad boy, dude.

Oh, he's a bad boy. I've been getting off on respecting the hell out of the TSA. I respect the fuck out of them. Begging to get pulled over just so I can be like, I'm sorry, officer. Sorry, but what everyone says about you, they ain't right. Yeah, it's not true.

As soon as you get pulled over, it's crazy. They say to be crazy when you meet your heroes. It's actually very, very funny. Are they actually hired at the fucking? Yeah, I'm thinking about joining the force. Joining the force. You got to ask for a professional job. Your dad must be proud, huh?

My dad doesn't like cops, oddly. Yeah, well, you get older. You get enough DUIs and tickets. You start to really fucking hate cops. Dude, so many people that probably, you know, from like, dude, like, red states or that. Oh, he said enough DUIs. Yeah.

It's my fifth one. It's a fucking pain in my ass. You guys are fucking riding me. No, I love the dude that probably like hated cops forever and then everyone started hating cops and they're kind of like, oh, maybe I like cops, too. That's what happened to me. Exactly what happened to me.

They flipped. I flipped, totally. I started loving how you guys don't like them. I think they're pretty cool. I don't know, the job's pretty hard. Yeah, I was pro cops until one guy got me and then I went full BLM, dude. Did you really?

Yeah, I'm full BLM. When'd you get snagged? Remember, it bankrupted me. Dude, it was like a $150 ticket. When you got... I was like, well, that's all I have. I'm done. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, some guy followed me. It was at Sheets. Same Sheets my sister knotted off at. Bullshit. Yeah, he followed me in. Dude, he checked my license plate, realized I didn't have a fucking registration. That's a...

And then he followed me out. I'd like to punch him in the belly. You didn't ask for a professional courtesy? Like, sir, can I ask for a professional courtesy? It was a disaster. Sir. Also, my side mirror was missing. Sure lied about being an EMT,

but sir, I'm an EMT, kind of a professional courtesy. Asking for a professional courtesy is great. I really do wonder about those dudes who have like... I saw a guy the other day who had like two first responder flags. It was like... I don't know, it was three.

It was firefighter, ambulance cops was waiting in his yard. It's like, that must be so sick. Did you just be pumped? Like 52 and be like... King of the city. Yeah, just be like, fuck, dude, there's an ambulance. God, I fucking love those guys.

I love those guys. They're so cool. I wish I did that. Yeah, you're awesome. That'd be so sick. Like, damn, man, there they go again. Probably helping someone out. It is nice to be like 52

and that autistic for like fire trucks. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Like, look at those things. Yeah, to be still that much into it. Yeah, I'm not pumped on anything like that. Trying to get in. I'm trying to get into more stuff, dude, but it's like, yeah, I guess...

I'm not into... It's harder though. It sucks, dude, I'm not in there. It's a married man thing. I need more things, dude. I need way more things. I was just thinking about it, dude, I... Yeah, I hate everything now.

I don't even know what to talk about on stage. Really? I'm not interested in anything anymore. Go on stage, everyone's talking. It's like, I don't care about fucking Russia. It's all gay. You know how fun it helps? Going back to the basics

of trying to find a new band that you like. Just start poking around. Yeah, talking to people. Spotify, Discover Weekly. Yeah, find a new band you like and kind of you go, all right, this is cool stuff getting made. There's stuff that's cool.

I find that helps. I'm gonna try to download that new video game, Elden Ring or whatever. That'd be cool. That could be big for me. That could be big. I need more video games. Going to the fantasy realm.

I need to escape into my fantasy realm. I might go fully into the metaverse. Everyone's shitting on it. I might get really... Every 10 days, I'm like, you know what, I should get back to reading. I'm in touch with... I'll never read again.

I'm gonna be in touch with them. Really? I'll just look at them and I'll go, never mind. I read constantly. Gotta go, I'll... There you go. You got stuff you like. I actually have too many hobbies, I think.

Yeah, definitely. I have too many hobbies. I think I do. But everything I... Yeah, I can't get into music anymore. Shows, a couple of good shows come out. That's just something you do. That's not a hobby.

True, yes. Girls think that's a hobby, it's not. True. Shows. Shows. I go to dinner, like movies. You go, you're not a hobby. Dude, Spud's dad, my friend Andrew's dad,

held it down, still does this day that movies are for girls. He's like... That's the ultimate man. That's very funny. When you see a movie, he's like... He's like, the fucking girls are watching shit. Is he watching a movie?

The fucking... It's so tight. It's like, it's not your fucking movie. Movies are for girls, it's amazing. You're such a tight way to hold it down, but like, all that make-believe? I'm kind of, I agree a little, dude. It kind of rules.

Getting in the make-believe is for girls. I'm like... What about docs? You can watch PBS docs. That's for men. You can only watch, like, Thunder Road Truckers. You can only watch, like, reality TV, job shows, that's it. Like, you see that shit they hit on?

Fucking goldmine barters? That's the only thing about it. Those roads up there in Alaska are a son of a bitch. Is that Tommy's singing? I think so. That's so great that you're kicking around singing. That's pretty cool. I get all my history from Robert Green books.

That's the only place that I've ever enjoyed my history. Or Green. What'd you know about Or Green? Nothing. I never, yeah. Who's Or Green? 48 Laws of Power guy. Oh, God, yeah.

But basically what he would do with all his books. He was kind of the original pop culture book guy for a while. Really? I don't know, probably. This thing is incredible, yeah. But he used to, like, basically every... He would go through historical things and tell them. So it's like, that was my...

It's kind of like my hardcore history for me. That's like, I'm Glenn Beck. I get all my history from Glenn Beck. Yeah, yeah. You find a guy that also ingests some history. I want, yeah. My dad got into Bill O'Reilly for a while. Bill O'Reilly's the biggest story in the world.

He'll read, like, one chapter. Yeah, so he'd be like, I'm just finished. You get the gist of it. Yeah. If it comes up, you can comment. You go, World War II? Yeah, I heard it, but that one's... I know who the guys were.

The Geysers are reading the Bill O'Reilly history books. Yeah, they love them. Plump the cheeks on the seat. Is that what he's doing now? Post me, too. He's a fire, dude. I think his one book's called, like, Muslims Are a Problem?

I think that's... Stop. It's Islam, I think. There's a book called, like, Islam Is the Problem. They are taking our jobs. Dude, imagine taking a dump. You're 50 years old, fucking. Actually, they are.

Yeah, I knew something was wrong with my life. Just going in depth. It's the Muslims' fault. Shit's not going well for me. It's good for the Muslims right now, dude. It's Russians. People are giving the Russians fucking hell, dude. Well, the Russians are up to no good, dude.

That's going to be a nice prank to hang Z-flags above people in your friends' houses. Yeah. You would get attacked. If you flew the sign of the Russian aggression... The Russian flag right now? The Z? What Z?

I think a Z is like the Russian aggression. The Azov battalion? I think so. Z, again, this is just secondhand. I haven't seen it, but someone was telling me if there was an Olympic guy who put a Z patch and that's like a pro-Russia aggression. Oh, really?

I believe it represented some sort of invasion or something, paths that they would wear, the military would wear. Oh, OK. Oh, great. This podcast is really... What time is it? Hey, man.

How far into this, are we? We're 40 some minutes in. Jesus, age Christ. People are cooking around. This is the critical moment. What are you doing in the studio? Oh, yeah, we got to do ads. That'll get us through the hustle and bustle

of this apartment. Yeah, dude. Oh, my car's about to expire. Guys. I know we're joking around about... Being addicted to nicotine. Yeah, but... We're just joking.

Dude, what do you like about Lucy? Let's be honest. I love that I'm not smoking cigarettes anymore. That's nice. You don't like stinky cigarettes. Oh, I hated it. Yeah, when girls smell cigarettes, they think you're just like a total fucking loser.

Yeah. Total fucking loser. I disagree. Oh, yeah, that's why you have such a tough time having sex. Because you don't use Lucy. Yeah, that's it. You smoke cigarettes and don't get pussy. Yeah, you're trying to be a modern man?

Are you trying to be a modern man or some relic of the past, dude, where you stink like chemicals? You could just be quietly and discreetly... Is that what it says in there? Not making it up. I like it, though. You could be quietly and discreetly

being addicted to nicotine. True, probably. Rather than being a dumbass, pluming... It's like coal. It's like burning coal equivalent to nicotine. I like that. What do you think you're fucking... What are you, an idiot, dude, smoking cigarettes?

Oh, fuck. Sean, this is your intervention. It's really just sad. Sean, I'm really worried about you. We want you to check out the full line of products at lucy.co. You used the promo code. Sorry.

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science is never a complete process. And also, who cares? I mean, who cares? What is an addictive if you think about it? True. Oh, yeah. Dude, what else have we got? Oh, dude, please.

Can you take the sports one? Oh, yeah. No, I want you to do the sports one. Let me do the sports one. I did it last week. Fuck it up. Guys, guys, no, for real, guys, can we buckle down the biggest college basketball tournament

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If you want to be responsible about it, start a little savings account for your gambling and call it like your kids' college fund. Yes. Or go into your kids' college fund and put half into quitting smoking and half. That's what it's for. And half into gambling.

Yeah. Also, he showed us what he does. If you, gambling is fun. It is fun. Just think of any night, any regular night. It's just a regular night. Oh, there's sports on. I don't give a fuck about these teams.

Man's activity, not like watching movies. Yeah. It's like, I don't care about these teams at all. How about I put a lot of money into this to the point where this means everything to me? So every night, think of any movie you watched if the consequences were real. You know what I mean?

Like, you get to do that with sports. You can turn it into a real life fucking major issue. Yes. Every night. Yeah, this matters. This matters immensely. You go, oh, you're watching a stupid game. It's not as matters as it does now.

Yeah. You're basically the owner of the team. I promise you this matters. This matters more than anything you've ever done with your fucking life, lady. We need Oregon State to cover. Or we're sleeping out in the tent. Oh, now it matters.

Get this one. Put on your beaver gear. We're cheering for Oregon State. Bedding makes things. It does make things so fun. We used to bed on Sumo wrestling. Very, very fun. Bedding on Sumo wrestling's incredible.

Come here. Just sit down. Bob, sit down. Where you going? Grab a seat. No, no, no, sit down. Look at this fucking guy, dude. This is a classic New York boy.

Classic New York fellow. Oh, he had to make peepee. Yeah. He had to peepee. By the way, a lot of terminology of mine. Do you guys know each other at all? Yeah, we met. All right.

Burke. We met. What's up, brother? Burke's the fucking man. Thank you, dude. Thank you very much. Assalamu alaikum. Assalamu alaikum to you as well.

Assalamu alaikum, salam. Yeah, dude. Can you sing some stuff in Muslim for us while he's pink? Do you know Muslim songs? Yeah, he does. Muslims are on top right now, to be honest. Muslims are back. Here we go.

Get in the middle. Get in the middle. Yes. When I went to the competitive eating, the hot dog competition, I couldn't get action. And Gino knew a guy that would get action on the competitive eater. You couldn't buy it on any of the place.

And he was calling every bookie. Like, come on, you got to give me action on Chestnut. And he was trying to get. But he even. Where'd you bet on? Chestnut, Joey Chestnut. I mean, the odds are, you know, 100 to one, but that's the only reasonable bet to make.

True, yeah. He's never lost. Wait, he didn't. Kobayashi never got it. Kobayashi can't play anymore. So basically Kobayashi, they said if you want to be. You're big in the competitive eating. If you want to be in the major.

Yeah, yeah. If you want to be in the major league eating, you got to sign the contract. You can't. It's kind of like how the comedy clubs do. If they said, and Kobayashi said not doing that. So basically. He's too honorable.

He's too far too honorable. Kobayashi takes the cyst. You're not going to. Yeah, you're not going to pin him down to one contract, right? Is he the champ, though? He was at the time, but then major league eating said he can't compete unless he signs the contract.

So then Kobayashi went across the street and set up his own competition the same day as major league eating and beat the record. So he said, basically, your records don't matter. Wow. Fuck. Dude, how do you know about fucking major league eating? Big Joey Chestnut guy.

I like Kobayashi too. I want to get Joey Chestnut to a video. That's the craziest fucking sport. It's incredible. I don't know. I think it's terrible. Well, isn't that that you like spaghetti and chips? No, you don't eat like other food stuff.

Oh, no. Well, a lot of them. So a lot of this is good. A lot of the competitive eating guys are famous from being like YouTubers and stuff like that. So it's kind of like when you should have to come to stand up, right? Shoes nice.

You ever fucking shoe nice? I know. I know these guys. I mean, they're not a real deal, but it's fun to watch the YouTube videos, right? But so basically, they don't want to do the competitions because it's bad for their brand to just show up and get murked by some actual real deal competitive eating.

Yeah, true. Whereas he's having fun making his I8 10,000 Oyster videos. But it's like, you put them in the real arena, he just gets. Exactly. You see the reals, they're like, fuck the fuck. Dude, did you just do a bump in the bathroom? You guys started talking about competitive eating.

He started talking about betting on Sumo Res and then I go, you know. That's fun. That's an age old non-tradition. I would love to do that. Yeah, that is my two ex-girlfriends are fighting. I say, I bet on the Sumo. Yeah, I'm not yucking your gum. Competitive eating is something.

It's just such a it's got to fuck people up from other countries. It's not. That's got to be a bummer. Watch people just gorge themselves. I was like, yeah, they take it seriously, too. And then I bet. Oh, here's the it was it was in, you know, where it's Coney Island, right?

Yeah. And the guy comes out. Did you go to it this year? Yeah. Of course you did. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is crazy. Wait, are you serious?

You're in the competitive eating. You like. Well, kind of the way that you begin to like wrestling, I guess, like. It's fun. It's fun. Yeah, so very much. You're the only guy I've ever known that. Yeah, no one ever wants to go.

I assume I assume. No, my body's from Toronto. I kind of into it, too. I assume the crowd was just old Chinese ladies. I thought it was just old Chinese ladies there. No, no, it's like Hicks body and they get the, you know, de Blasio comes out and then everyone booze them. He sucks on all that.

They boo the coward. Like, get off the stage. Pussy. We're here to watch. And then the chief prosecutor came out and everyone loved him. This is like big BLM comes up. And he's like, you know, we locked up twice as many as ever before. And I'm like, that's a real man.

Fuck you, de Blasio. What the fuck? So wait, these hot dog contests are also clan rallies. They're like sneaking in alt-right shit. I'll just say the clientele that goes to hot dog eating competition. A little different from the book, the Williamsburg pub. Yes. Well, there's two. When I went, there was a guy and a girl and the dude was like one

of the top competitive eaters and his wife was one of the top girl competitors of the competitive eating couple. Just love and diarrhea. Yeah. They've eight and Joey and the main guy, what he does, he keeps hitting himself because it like he's trying to get all these techniques to try to get it to go into the right spots in his belly and stuff. It's it's it's disgusting.

Yeah. What's what's is it always hot dogs? Or is it like they ever do like lasagna lasagna? I'd pay to see major league eating mainly does hot dogs at Nathan's because that's the Nathan's one. But no, they do they'll do. Well, a lot of these guys do the B league kind of the equivalent to the Mexican wrestling where they go around to some state fair and they do a crappy, you know, pie eating competition or some garbage like that.

Not respectable. What's the what have you seen cuisine wise? That was like, what's the best cuisine you've seen competed upon? Why don't watch those ones? The hot the Nathan's once a year is the only one. But these guys, they bring them up to their things. So they go and this guy was finished first place in the Iowa State, you know, clam eating championship or pizza eating or whatever.

I would like to see. I like to see competitive candy eating. That'd be sick. See how candy you see me on Halloween. Nineteen ninety eight. It's just 12 year olds. King size. I think that's what a lot of those guys do on their YouTube channels, right?

They will. A lot of those guys got popular from like eating detergent and those shoes. Nice. She nice was glue. That's that guy. You like chug a bottle of vodka. Yeah. That's a big one for those guys chugging the bottle of vodka. That's an easy one. Man, that must fucking suck. Terrible chugging a bottle just as soon as that hits.

Hot stuff. That probably hits so hard. You probably just black out in like. Yeah, it's usually it's like anesthesia. You probably just go under it. It's not. Yeah, I said I got a high school. Drank the bottle of vodka smashed skateboard on his head. That was his trick. Jesus, I said I said.

I was like six shots of vodka almost fall construction worker. He's a construction worker. Nice. Apparently, no, he was one of the one. He was I guess it would be roof or more than construction worker, but fell off the roof and he was at a commission for a bit. Like we're not sure if it was vodka induced. Nice. She probably hacks so much darts, though. Yeah.

Hey, look at this. Hey, hey, hey, buddy. I was thinking to think a while. I came in. So no problem. Come on, get out of here. Yeah, let's let him. Yeah, just close this out. Give us a final word.

Yeah, final word. I'll get to the cash. What do you think about Russia, Ukraine? Go ahead. What do you think about Russia, Ukraine? Both good or both bad? Both good, both bad. Switch it on. Oh, oh.

NATO is a tricky, tricky thing. Yes. Amen to that, brother. North American twink associations, what I'm talking about. Yes, there's a good pocket. What do you think about NATO? It is tricky. What do you think we should do moving forward?

What would you like to see done? If you had your druthers. My druthers. That's a good one. Hey, hit your woman. Hit your woman with that. Druthers. You're married. Aren't you? Do you ever yell at your girlfriend as a joke or your wife?

Wife as a joke, not so much. I've just got into it. I didn't come in locked and loaded. It's a fun joke. It's a fun joke. The Klitsch goes, I want to see Lomontranco get it going back to Russia. And I want to see Usik also get strapped up. There's some good fighters who I haven't seen out on the front lines yet.

Is Lomontranco out there now? He's such a good Klitsch goes are strapped. That's all that guy's hand to hand, though. Because I like to see Khabib. Lomontranco is a little small. I like to see Khabib join in. Yes, they should just settle it like that, like champions. That would be tight.

Just have both armies be like, all right, Khabib versus. Where's Khabib? He's Russian. We were like, they would fight Klitschinkos, Ukrainian. Yeah, that's a good point. Klitschko would probably actually, Klitschko is geased up. He's two geased up. No, he's two geased.

He might be two geased up. I'll be a huge way to settle it, though. Once and for all, if you guys do agree to it. And then the whole world watches, put it on pay-per-view. When you guys get to split the money. Yeah. And the Ukrainian competitor could have like an American fighter, like sliding him weapons.

Yes. Giving him every now and again, throwing like a stick in there. Yeah. Let me tell you. That'd be fun. All right. Well, guys, that was a podcast. That's a great podcast.

Ryan Long, check out Ryan Long's special. Yeah, dude. White immigrant, youtube.com slash Ryan Long comedy. Look at that, dude. Check it out. Get in there. The boys cast. Get into the Ryan Long podcast.

Check it out. Check it out. Check it out. Train by day. Ryan Long by night. Check it out. Yes, yes, yes. Let's go in there, click a couple buttons,

get on the tube there, and just... Let's just call this one a day. Call it a day. Yeah, we can promote on the next one. Let's do it. God bless.