Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 393 - The Presidents (feat. Louis C.K.)

Episode Date: April 27, 2022

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Guys, this is a history podcast. Serious. Let's talk presidents. In fact, let's talk all of them in order. Yeah. That was it. Hold on. No, no, no, no. Just wait. Let's talk Washington. Adams, Jefferson, Madison, Monroe, Adams, Jackson,

Van Buren, Harrison, Tyler, Polk, Taylor, Fillmore, Pierce, Buchanan, Lincoln, Johnson, Grant, Hayes, Garfield, Arthur, Cleveland, Harrison, Cleveland, McKinley, Roosevelt, Taft, Wilson, Harding, Coolidge, Hoover, Roosevelt. No. No, hold on. Give me a second. Hoover. Yeah, it's Roosevelt.

Truman. Uh-huh. Oh, yeah. Second, Truman, Eisenhower, JFK, Johnson, Nixon, Ford, Carter, Reagan, Bush, Clinton, Bush, Obamna, Trump. Did you say Obama now? Obama. Wow.

Obama now. That took me all night. Damn, dude. You studied for that all night? No, it took a half hour, but it was pretty impressive. That's pretty good. Yeah, I had to keep practicing. I was doing it before bed, like I was praying.

Do the vice presidents. Adams. Are you seriously going to try? I could go. I think I could go. Here's a good piece of trivia. And don't look it up. Nope.

OK. Here's a quiz question. Who is Johnson, Lyndon Mains Johnson's vice president after Kennedy was shot when he became the vice president? Your mother's cunt. Oh, man. It wasn't her. It wasn't her.

It wasn't your mother. It was her cunt. Her cunt was a real, wait a second. This is a history podcast. Yeah. What if that was true? You're telling me. Jones' cunt.

Yeah, because he only needed her for one year. And then when he ran for, then when he ran, he got somebody else. But he was like, he calls out, Joan, I need your cunt to be my vice. He called her from Dallas. You know that famous picture of him on the plane? That was.

He called her right before that. I need your vagina to be my president, my vice president. All right. So let's start from the top. Mom, I'm so sorry that he said that. I'm not. I never met your mom. You fell back.

I didn't know she's very sweet. Very sweet. Bob. All right. Let's start with Washington, dude. Yeah. What do you guys know about him? What do you say?

I mean, Washington is like a transitionary guy because he was he was so British. He was a British general. He wasn't like, you know, he wasn't born in the American. He didn't create America. It wasn't even his idea. Yeah. He was he was just a tool of.

He was the first general president. Now, he was born in the U.S. No, I know, but he wasn't like he was a Brit. He was a. Yeah, he fought in the French and Indian War as a British. Yeah. Yeah. He's a Lord.

He actually kind of sucked in that in that war. In fact, also kind of everybody sucked in the wars. Everything he did was retreat. It was luck to be to win anything. Yeah. He was good at retreating. That was like his number one. The important thing to be good at very good in war.

They don't otherwise you lose once. He got he would fight again because he retreated so well. Yeah. It's pretty tight, though. Show up like nah, run away like nice. 1789. That's when he started. Well, most of the guys it was so hard like a lot of the army

didn't want to be there and didn't have to be there. It's crazy like 1776. The year that Washington did all all that insane shit. It's crazy that people kept. They kept expecting the army to flee. Yeah. But they hung in there with with little. It's not like they were like we're making America.

That's coming later. Yeah, they had no fucking idea. So he's he's as good as they were basically. And it's not like you picture him on this horse like talking. But no, most of them didn't even look at the guy. They didn't see him. You know, like in the movies when they show guy making a speech to a whole army.

And there's three guys can hear it's impossible. And the rest of like, what is what's happening? And they're all shitting. Yeah, it's like a brave heart. He's getting a speech. The only people that can hear him are like shut up. Yes. Yeah.

The English are too many. The English are too many. Yes, we will. And we will live. Yeah, we will live. That's a good point. I never thought about that. Yeah, no one heard those.

No one heard any of those speeches. So it was really these guys all got together. I don't know they got together. They decided to just keep doing it. I don't want to spend too much time on Washington. Yeah, Washington. I was like, I never really. I mean, the great thing he did was leaving when it was time to go.

Yeah, it was like the thing because he a lot of them wanted him to be king. Yeah. A lot of them wanted him to be permanent. He's the one who said the thing where they wanted him to be. Adams wanted him to be your Majesty or your Excellency. They went by his Excellency and he said, Mr. President. No, no, Jefferson was the first Mr. President.

Yeah, but Washington wanted Mr. President. Washington went with his Excellency because Adam said this long one. His Majesty, all this shit. What? Washington kept his Excellency. According to the HBO series about John Adams. Yeah, but I looked into it. Washington said, I want Mr. President.

Maybe he did, but he went by his Excellency. Therefore, the reason he did it was because he didn't want to shake people's hands and back then that kind of he was like Howie Mandel. Yeah, he was like, he rather just have people bow. I don't think he was a germaphobe as much as he just was like, this does command some respect because this is the first time in his life he started to get criticism. Really?

Because when he was a general, everybody globally outside of England was like, this guy's the fucking president. Like to talk about that word for a second, what a president is like, just for just an overall president thought here. The why I love about presidents is there is that it's a human being. It's a person. And to me, like it's like, you know, like some college professors teach the Bible as literature.

You know what I mean? Yeah. Like they don't teach the Bible as a religious subject. They teach it as like what it's done for history and what the stories are about. And you know, that kind of thing. I look at US presidents that way. I don't have a political view about any of them. I just think they're fucking fascinating and president, the word by itself,

like your president is nothing. It's not you're not a leader. You're not a ruler. You don't rule. You preside. I mean, that's literally what it means is that there's a whole group of people that are running the government by the people's will and you preside. You just happen to be there.

It's like in the Senate, whenever they show people in the Senate speaking, they always say, Mr. President over and over again. And they're speaking to whoever is presiding. It's never the vice president is literally the president of the Senate, but it's whoever takes the chair that day who's presiding. It's it's an incidental title given to an equal who is chosen for them for that minute to preside. That's what I like about.

That's why I like that's what I like about how they framed it. Yeah. When did they set term limits? I didn't even look into that because he just left. Right. He was the first one to go. I could stay, but I'm let's get going. Let's get this started. Yeah.

There's some famous moment where he was speaking to the Congress and they were trying to get him to King himself. And he was apparently really vain about that he wore glasses. So no one ever saw him with glasses on. And so the moment that's supposed to be this shocking moment was that he took out his glasses and put them on and he said, like, I fear I didn't see you for what you are. That was supposed to be this big moment.

I like to think that if he did like he was really hoping if he missed, he's like, I fear I didn't see. And they're all like, yeah, you wear glasses. We all you know what I'm saying though? Yeah. Like he keep the whole thing on this moment. See what I'm saying? And they're like, George.

Yeah, it's also a good moment for him to be like, yeah, you're right. You should not. How do you turn down King status? Funny jokes. What? How do you turn it up? Like, that's what makes him the king. And you're like, that's what makes him the man, dude.

That's wild. That's what makes him. Well, also, he wasn't again. None of these people knew the future. He didn't know that he was giving away the keys to later nuclear war America. True. Yeah. He thought we were a dumb fucking like what?

Yeah, these were all separate colonies. Like if Louisiana became a separate nation, the first President Louisiana might be like, you guys, I'll do one turn. Yeah, I'm done. That's good. I don't need to like hang in there. All right. Adams.

Okay. Adams is like my favorite of those guys. I like founding fathers. I like Adams from the show. I love them in that. He's great. Paul G. Amati.

Well, I read his biography. I listen to it. I don't really as a president. Council. Oh, he was not a great president. Not at all. He chose everybody's got these different kind of strengths. He was a great framer.

He was one of the guys. He he did many very important and gutsy things. And he was also the only one of those guys who was not rich. He was a poor farmer. He was his education. His made changed his life. He's like one of the first Americans who had that experience, you know, where he he was, you know, had a decent farm, but not

much, but he made his brain work and he excelled and and passed that on to his son. Who we're talking about. He fucking ruled in the revolution. Yeah. Adams was the man. Adams was the man and because these other guys fucking Benjamin Franklin was just a giant perverted asshole.

I love them. Oh, he was great. And all these guys are great. I'm not judging any of them, but he wasn't. He was of limited use because he was intrigued by America, but he didn't give a shit. Yeah. He never would have shed a fucking any blood or sweater tears

for the country. He just was interested and he had a huge brain. So he'd lend it when he felt like he was also full of shit. You know, like he was supposed to he was supposedly invented electricity, but some other guy, he saw a guy in his own autobiography. What? He saw he never I just watched the can burns on him. I'm pumped on him right now.

OK, so he saw a guy do the kite. What? And he was like, that's cool. And he paid the guy for like the license to the to the gag and he then he got one of his sons to do to go around doing it for money. It was just the thing that he he picked up other people's ideas, which is his own, you know, thing. He also all of his inventions.

He would never patent really is pretty sick. He was like, all my inventions are for everybody. Yeah, he was for what do we call it? A open source open source. He did get a little jealous because all of a sudden because he was the man. Yeah, he was the American that everybody loved before any and then Washington became the man general like the French were like the general general Washington's the guy.

So he got a little he was a fame hungry. Did you ever read his autobiography? No, it's amazing because he has no judgment of himself. So he's the only a lot of people that write autobiographies. It's kind of careful, but like he tells the story about he was living in London and there was a guy who worked for him kind of like a half tradesman kind of guy who he befriended and the guy had a woman.

He wanted to marry a maiden, but he didn't have a position and he didn't have his own home yet. So and his mother didn't want I don't remember all those logistics, but it was that that he asked Benjamin if he could move his wife into his house so that they could marry and he said sure. And he said that she moved into my home and then I I took it of my pleasure to you know, to two partake of her sexually and she you know, spurned my advances.

So I threw her out and that was the end of their marriage. I never saw him again. He was real upset. I never saw him again, but I know I but the both their lives were destroyed. And then in May, I met this other guy like he just talks. He did awful things to people and didn't kind of. Yeah, he was he there's some pretty sick quotes about slavery too. That he was like I am racist.

Like he was one of first, if not the only founding father to like constantly be like the I am bigoted. Right. None of them, everyone else was like, this is the law. Everybody was like Ben. Yeah, shut up. This is it's economics. It's not it's not about race.

He's like, well, it's totally about race. Yeah, they were right in the Constitution. Like, look, our hands are tied. We have we can't do anything. They had to break it out. So he was when he showed focus. He was of use to like the revolution and the same with Jefferson. Jefferson was like a depressive fucking freak.

And so he was just like leave Washington. He would just go like my wife is dead, whatever, bullshit. And he would get on his horse and just leave because also he was a man of great wealth and he had his his life in Monticello and in Virginia was we'll get to him. But the point is that Adams was just a doggedly hard working. He was he was the only one who worked constantly. Yeah.

And that was really the three of them in Madison. But he was the guy who did the hardest work to get this shit started. Yeah. He also apologized for cursing. Adams in one of his things. He's like, I meant to admit that I sometimes cursed, which I feel shameful about also when Adams did his did the Constitution of Massachusetts. Mass the Constitution of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts is

like the most liberal document in the world because Adams was like, he's like, I'm going to get it right. Everything that I couldn't get done in the American Constitution. I'm doing in this and there's stuff in there about Jews having rights. There's even something about gay people in there. Like he was into gay rights, Jews. Back then, it's pretty gay, pretty Jewish. It's gay to be a gay Jew.

It's gay to be into Jews. To be into Jewish rights in the 1700s was gay. Those parliaments. Undeniably gay, undeniably gay. Back then, I don't know. What about Jews? People like, get the fuck out of here. What are you talking about, guys?

Jews back then have a room full of dude and powder wigs being like, boo. And the Jews looked exactly that they looked the same as they do now. The big black coats. Exactly same outfits. Same outfit, same bed. Well, I guess what Adams did while he was in office, he was worried that his logic was another country could just come take this at any moment. So he came up with the Alien and Sedition Act, which meant if you talk shit

on the government, we can jail you. So he started arresting journalists. He started him. Well, because he got he was the first liberal who got befuddled by guys that back then it was another Democrat. It was Jefferson. Yeah, put going like whatever it takes to win. Yeah.

It's always been like the different parts of American democracy, the different kinds of people, the people who are like, we got to get this right. We got to sell our good ideas and convince people were right. But then the other guys who are like, we just got to take office. We just need to win and nerds lose that fight. Adams was the first one term nerd president. There's a few of them. Yes.

You're exactly right. Bush the first is another one. He's a one term guy. He was from 97 to 01. Yeah. Let's move to Jefferson. Jefferson. He's number three.

That's 01 to 09. He was a two term guy. Adams was a federalist. Washington was obviously independent. Jefferson was a Democratic Republican. He was the first Mr. President president right when he got in the French and the British started going to war.

So everybody in America was like, fuck England. Also, France just helped us. Yeah. Fuck England. Let's join it. And he was he was he loved the French. He loved the revolution in French. Yeah, he did.

The Adams didn't because it was bloody and horrible. He didn't like the French. He didn't. And and and Jefferson loved the revolution and he loved it. All these friends over there. He spent a lot of his life there. Yeah, but they started Americans started being like, fuck England. Let's join France in the war.

He was the only one with the foresight to be like, we have 40 guys in our military and three boats. Yeah. Let's shut the fuck up. It's not. So he declared neutrality and everybody called him a pussy. Then England started blocking his like fucking ships. I think he didn't he might have been the one who said, we're just not going

to trade with either of them. So then our economy, the American economy just plummeted. England started just saying, if you're not trading with us, we're just going to confiscate your ships, steal, kidnap all the sailors, make them join the British Navy. So he's getting punked by England. You're talking about Jefferson. Jefferson.

Well, it's interesting because Adams ended his presidency was a fake rumor that Jefferson started that Adams was trying to start a war with the and start a Navy and do the study and he was all fake. But then it ended up kind of haunting Jefferson because the truth of about all that ended up fucking him a lot. I one thing interesting about Jefferson is because he's so famous for having had a slave and having had like 50,000 slaves or whatever that not that many and having had children with his slave.

And I don't think he ever even gave him freedom, didn't free. He didn't free the kids. He didn't free a couple. He freed a couple. He freed two. Yeah. And the rest he kept enslaved until he died. And what was interesting about them.

Tammy did the ultimate because I said so. Is so. Can I stop being a slave? He's like, no. I said, no. They were like white. Really? His slave children.

The woman he had, the woman that he had kids with Sally was like half white or like was very light skinned. Yeah, I think her mother because her mother was in his family for a long time and his dad was fucking that. Yes. I mean, it was like, but she was kind of a product of his father. I'm not sure about that. I'm not sure about that.

But it's something about him in terms of slavery and American politics is that his first elected position was in the Virginia legislator. He was like a house or reps guy in Virginia. And the very first act he ever did. First thing he ever did as a as a politician was to propose a bill in the Virginia government to abolish slavery in the state of Virginia. It's the first thing he did. Well, of course, it got shot down, but it was his.

It was his desire in his dream. Yeah, because he was big on that with the French Revolution. Yes. And the whole yeah. Yes. And all of these guys, all of these early guys wanted slavery out, but there was no way the South was going to do it. Yeah.

And they wanted the Southern because so the choice was to have like just two countries or four countries over here or have a unified country and just deal with it. Yeah. We're going to have slavery but create a framework. Yeah. Where in the future, when it becomes possible, when things change, when things get more modern, we can we can get rid of it in the future.

And I could be wrong, but I think the North had abolished slavery early, like 1806, which is while Jefferson's in office. I could be wrong. I don't know. It was around the exact same time as England. In fact, maybe before the north, we were right. Us northerners. We got it right.

A fun Jefferson story that I like is that when he was in Paris, he had this woman, a girlfriend named caught something causeway or something. His wife died when he was pretty young and she made him promise on her death bed that he would never have another woman, which is a horrible thing to do. Yeah, fuck. To a young man that you're fucking. Yeah, it's like not even somebody to take help. Take care of the kids they had.

No, I promise. Yeah. And oh, for sure. So it was part of the reason that all of including Sally Hemings that his loves were all secret because he was ashamed of every woman that he loved after that. That's hot. And so there was a woman in Paris. She was a British painter and her husband.

She was a woman. She was married, but she was a painter and she fell in love with Thomas Jefferson and they were very much in love with each other. But then the way they broke up was very funny to me because he was in wrote her these beautiful letters. She was in love with him. He was in love with her. But then the French when he was leaving France, they wanted a great portrait

of him to put in the National Gallery and they said to him, you can choose any painter in the world. And he was like, no, I want, you know, a real guy. His girlfriend was like, why not me? And he's like, baby, come on. I mean, you're good. You're good, but you're not like fucking grown man. You're not like fucking.

I'm not for history. True. These guys were his. That's the weirdest thing. How history might they were like knowing they were going to get in the history, which is crazy to think about. So here's a good one because we got speed up. Yeah.

Yeah. So he goes over. So Napoleon's in there in France post revolution. This is the this is the Louisiana purchase. They sent James Monroe over. That was his bro. He goes to France. They thought they were negotiating the sale of just the port of New Orleans.

This is all thanks in part to the fucking Haitian Revolution, which fucked France. Look into the Haitian Revolution. It rules. He gets over there. Monroe finds out. Oh, they're trying to sell all of the Louisiana. Like it's from it's from New Orleans to the Rockies to Canada. It's huge from the Appalachians to the Rockies, basically.

And they didn't have time to consult Congress. So Thomas Jefferson just bought it on the spot, which he was like, I abused the fuck out of my power. And he was that was his whole thing is government should have no power. Yeah, he was against any. Well, that's what Jefferson's whole life was like doing fucked up things and then saying nobody should be like slavery. It's like people that need to stop having it's like he's fucking a slave.

And it's like somebody stopped this. We got to stop this. Yeah, somebody's got to stop this. Somebody's got to stop fucking these things. Yeah. Well, the we should be me six. But I need to fuck this one right now. Those arguments must have been crazy.

All right. The but yeah, that was big because that secured the southern port. And I mean, and Monroe was Secretary of State Monroe. Yeah. And then wasn't he the? No, Madison Madison is usually the Secretary of State would end up being president president vice president at this point. Although who was it was Jefferson Adams.

Jefferson was Adams's vice president. Yeah. So that's three straight or two straight vice presidents. Then we got James Madison. He was a dork. Yes, he was a huge dork. He was a nerd. A frail nervous thinker.

What? He was garbage. Really? He but this is sick. So basically had the first they said his lady was the first first lady, Dolly Madison. That was like really like they would have parties at the White House. They would like try to get it also.

He was Jefferson's meant to. He was another guy like Adams, who was there all the time. Yeah. He was like a worker. He kept shit going and he would write Jefferson and say in France and go, can you fucking come home and be president? And Jefferson right back and go, I am just enjoying Paris. And I don't want to do it.

And then he would float in and just take the fucking big job. And yeah, Madison gets four years and people like, dude, you're boring. No. America has never liked. Madison gets to. Don't touch. Don't touch me. Don't ever put your fucking hands on.

I can't touch your shoes out of respect. Fucking hands on me. I'm going to grip you up. God damn. Hold on. So Jefferson's Jefferson was shut the fuck up guys. Shut up guys. Sean, don't look at me.

So Madison takes some of the flat because everybody was calling Jefferson a pussy for not fighting England. So he's like, you know what, fuck it, let's do it. What? So America just declares war on England. He nerd raged. He nerd raged on England. England immediately marches down and burns Washington DC down.

They burnt the White House immediately. He spaz cried. But yeah, he spaz cried. She's like, nobody's going to call me gay. But then everybody always acts like we lost 1812 just because they burned that shitty White House. Yeah. So first off, Washington DC was a swamp.

It was literally a swamp. It was a shit hole. No one lived there. War of 1812. We fucked England up. Fort McHenry. Star Spangled Banner. All that shit.

Battle of New Orleans. We smashed them. Battle of New Orleans was, what's his name? Jackson Jackson. Yeah. And Jackson, they were fighting the Battle of New Orleans. The war had been already over for a while. Oh really?

Yeah, the war was already settled. The treaty was signed. It was in January of 1815. And he was still fighting. Yeah. When you get to Jackson, he's fucking incredible. So Trump, he was the first Trump. Yep.

First. So all of a sudden America, that's our first war as a country. Yeah. So now America is not just college. Because England was just taking potshots. England would just park a ship outside of like a, you know, a Baltimore or whatever to start heaving fucking fireballs for no reason. You know Hudson, New York, it's a town of the Hudson.

It has a weird maritime feeling to it. It looks like Nantucket. And that's because it's all people from Nantucket. Used to be this little whaling village in Nantucket. And in the 1810s, the British would just park a ship and just set houses on fire for fucking fun. What? So all the people that lived in that town found a, they founded Hudson

and they would go out and whale in the ocean and then they drag a whale up the Hudson River. Holy shit. And they would slaughter it and then send it down the river. It was a great way to send whale meat and oil down to here, New York City. And that established a hub in New York, an upper New York state. Hudson became a very big important. And that's where you never heard of a guy named Leggs Diamond

because Diamond Diamond Street was like the first horror street. It sounded like Hudson became a place for farmers. To bring their herds and get laid and get, you know, just fuck and gamble and and have their animals slaughtered and brought down here on boats. And then they go home paid. Damn. Yeah. Anyway, so that's what was going on.

That's how much things like just the English, one English ship, lobbing fireballs changes a ton of things. And they finally needed it to stop resulting in some guy getting ahead. I'm never going to be able to face me. Wife, my wife. So OK. So yeah. So now you were kind of unified.

That was the first time Madison. The Madison War of 1812. It was a draw. I mean, they signed a treaty after two years and nothing changed though. Nothing. The English stopped harassing us. Yeah, but we declared war. They came over.

Yeah, we kind of fucked them up though. I looked at the casualty numbers. It was like double. That doesn't matter. No, his stroke or of course, of course, but I always everybody always acts like because they got over here and they all died of disease. Kind of immediately got fucked up. It was hard and they were like this.

We can't afford to fight this while we're fighting the French truce. That brings us to Monroe. Monroe was kind of the main Monroe is the last founding father to be a president fought in the Revolutionary War was at Valley Forge. He came up with the Monroe doctrine, which is neutrality. We got the Americas. Nobody fuck with us because they were all worried Europe was going to Spain or Europe was going to come back and take it.

Well, that was all the sorts of all our problems was these other fucking European countries being involved in their wars. So he was the first guy to go. Yeah, we're never going to get involved in their war. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And that's that's kind of what they were saying was that's like the most lasting policies of any of the founding fathers was like American

neutrality Europe. You can have your wars. We're staying the fuck out. Obviously lasted 100 years. Added Florida Monroe got Florida from the Spanish. Nice. So the reason that happened though was because of Jackson because Jackson was taking his troops to Florida and Monroe was sending a guy on a horse or

what? I don't know if they had telegram yet, but it was take them eight days to say leave Florida alone. We're trying to negotiate a price. But finally Monroe decided we don't want to Florida anymore. They're asking his the Spanish on it that we can't afford to buy it. I can't justify it. I'm not going to get it through Congress and Jackson was writing back and

saying, I'm just going to take it. I'm just going to take it militarily. I'm going to attack them and Monroe said, No, you may not. I'm the president. You may not do that. And Jackson just ignored him and he did it. He took Florida and then he showed up in DC and was like, right? That was good, right?

And Monroe's like, Yes, thank you very much. Yeah. He's like, but also I bought it. Good job. Yeah. Also, I think we paid for it. We paid for it. And it was a while.

Jackson was while Jackson was like fucking with them. The Spanish were like to Monroe. They're like, Yeah, you can buy it. He's going to kill them. He was down fighting them. And he was like, Yeah, actually, you know what? Yeah, we're going to sell it. There's two generals that did that.

Him and MacArthur did that too. Just did shit without permission. Yeah. And then showed up and said, right, Mr. President, wasn't that playing along? Because I guess it was the plan on whatever you want. Whatever you got that. But this is interesting because Monroe was the first part that

this is where the slavery issue starts to take real issue because it was the Missouri compromise. So Missouri was becoming a state. It was another slave state pro slavery. Yeah. So every just every time they added a slave state, they'd have to add a free slave free one to make sure it was balanced. Yeah.

So that's when we added Maine. Missouri got to be a slave state. That's it for him. John Quincy Adams. Yeah. So John Quincy Adams was Secretary of State. John Quincy Adams had a big role in the in the in Florida. Yeah.

And he had a big role in that compromise that was a big party. He was a statesman. John Quincy Adams fucking fascinating guy. I read his biography. The thing about him and his father is that they wrote copious really long diary entries. So we know a lot about those guys. But he was he traveled with his father to England.

He's like he was like the last link to the Great Revolution. Yeah. Because he was with his father wherever he went and he took him to France. He ended up being a diplomat. He was the first American ambassador to Russia. He lived in St. Petersburg Russia and him and it was he the one who helped them

kind of revolutionize. I don't know was that before that. Okay. But he was in Russia way way back then he'd take like a sleigh to to you know countries that aren't there anymore like Russia and he was he traveled all over. He traveled more than any like human being back then he went across the ocean several times.

So like something like 12 times back and forth. Now he's an amazing guy. His is a good guy. His opponent was Jackson in this election. Yeah. Jackson dominated one. He won the popular vote by a greater margin than Reagan beat Carter.

It was a landslide victory for him. But Jackson in the Battle of New Orleans came out and said all the guys from Kentucky were being fucking cowards. So then when it comes to the Electoral College the guy counting the votes happened to be like a senator or something from Kentucky. What I was like fuck this guy and he just swung like 10 states because back then back then the Electoral College made perfect

sense. Nobody in any state had ever heard of one of these guys. There was no news. There was no fucking anything. Now you needed somebody. Yeah. You needed super delegates. You needed to just get your local guy.

Yeah. And be like you go you go figure it out. Yes. Yeah. But that was enough for this guy to swing all these dudes in the meetings to be like Jackson to fucking dickhead. We need John Quincy Adams. So he swung.

I mean it was another nerd one term nerd. Yes. Who just couldn't get. I mean as a president he couldn't get and he got almost nothing done partly because Jackson and his people just thwarted every single thing he tried. The whole country loved Jackson. Everybody fucking loved that dude so much.

He was Trump. He was Trump. He imagine if Trump like dueled as much as Jesus. Jackson died with something like 12 bullets in his body. What that never left his body. He dueled all the time. Yes. Just go straight to Jack Jackson.

He's the next. Wait just he can't not be mentioned. John Quincy. You have a fuck John Quincy Adams. Well after his presidency he was in Congress forever from Massachusetts. He died at his seat in Congress. He died in at his desk.

He was made because his thing he was a huge abolitionist. He was like the only guy in the Congress willing to be an out and out. The slave states had so much power that they passed a law a gag law that said you can't say the word slavery in Congress. It used to be there was a thing in Congress back then called petitioning. Anyone could send a petition to their Congress person and

they had to say they had to mention it. So like you could send a thing to Congress saying I want all you know I want retards to be allowed to drive whatever you would want retarded people to have drivers license. Yes. And he would say he'd have to go OK the petition from Shane Gillis he wants retards to drive the honorable and everyone would go I moved to table it and then they just table it.

But they passed the law saying you couldn't even you couldn't even mention the petition that said the word slavery because that's how electrified that it was like we don't want anybody we know you're trying to get rid of slavery. We don't even want you to say they passed it. So John Quincy Adams would do it and he would just break the law and he would just say over and over again he would read petitions about slavery and he would get sent then they would

all vote the whole Congress to censure him for going against the rules and he got censured over and over again and he he represented the Amistad slaves and got them. Oh shit. Yet it's no. Yeah he's the slave ship that was taken over by slaves and was grounded in Massachusetts I think. So you're saying the S word you got in trouble.

Yeah he got not only in trouble they came those slaves asked him to represent that he was their lawyer because they were all they were Virginia slave masters who were waiting for their Haitian slaves that they were waiting for that they had paid for but he found a way just with it wasn't like a slavery is wrong trial it was you guys don't have a receipt trial it was like you ain't got the paperwork go fuck yourselves so there's so they were free but but yeah he died he was in the

middle of a big impassioned argument he was yelling and he had a heart attack and he died right there with the whole Congress around him watching because they loved people loved that guy he was a great guy he was the first president or former president to write on a steamship and he's to write on the steamships with a blanket over him and folks would surround him all the passengers would surround him and just he would just tell stories is a great guy.

Yeah that's pretty cool man. I know I know there's just a part of me that liked Jackson Jackson's great but I mean I mean to me I'm I read I look at all these guys I evaluate them as characters they're all great amazing care they all did awful things of course. Yeah but I mean Obama fucking bombed you know fucking weddings Obama Obama but but but yes Jackson was a crazy but shrewd a great thing about Jackson was that his party

is an inaugural party in the White House. Yeah this is wild they they stormed the cap he invited everybody that's exactly right they still invited everyone and he said anyone that wants can come. No no invitation needed it's the people's house and the house was crammed with common people getting drunk stealing shit destroyed and they wouldn't leave and there's a there's a honor code in the White House you don't ask someone to leave

you don't ever throw anybody out so they couldn't get them like days went by where people are shitting on the floor and grating the fucking pantry and just fucking people and whatever what and so what they did was they got huge kegs of beer and they put them on the lawn and they said hey come out let's let's drink under the stars let's have you know and they invited them out for beer on the lawn and they all came outside and they locked locked doors that was how he he was

a he was a people's president. Yeah like there was a populist in his first yeah first one to appeal to the common person there was an author of English guy I read his biography of him and they have one account of an English traveling writer who write travel logs and he was in Washington and he thought was it like can you meet the president and he just why there wasn't a fence around people just could walk in and so he just walked to the front door

and he knocked on the door and a butler came to the door and said hello and he said I'd like to meet the president is like is he expecting you goes no and the butler is like all right we'll come in and sit down and he went in the guy waited like 20 minutes and Jackson came out of his office which was like full of people and he said I'm gonna pretty important like who are you yeah and he said I just wanted to meet you and say hi and he was like alright can you wait an hour and he's

like sure so he went whatever fucking signed a thing to kill all the Indians and then he came and had sandwiches brought and he sat with the guy and just talked to him for an hour there damn he also went he was the first president I think to write on a on a real like on a train he took a train he was the first one to do this that he went all over the country yeah he went came up to he went up to Maine presidents never travel he was the first guy to do that like he thought

people should see the president people should have contact well with the president the trail of tears he he flubbed that one yeah flubbed he nailed a bit of a play he did do exactly what his goal he tried to do fucking flubbed that was a bit of a flow no he was not he didn't make mistakes I looked it up I don't know if they had slaves it's yeah the fucking dudes on the trail of tears they were like we got to bring our slaves if slaves are available folks get slaves that's just

the way that goes I couldn't believe it but when when he was peaceful man yeah that's what the part you don't hear is like the Indians like you know what he did to us and what he did to our slaves yeah our slaves had a real bad on the trail of tears tell me about it didn't they like share everything with their slaves though yeah they were way better real peaceful it was a Gallatin there was no good slave owners he the natives there is some story from the some chief big chief went

to the White House to meet with the Jackson because Jackson was very honest yeah in underhand ever he didn't play politics he did horrible things but he just went ahead and did him like there was a slave revolt during his presidency where they took over a fort the slaves took over a fort and just said we just went out we just want to be taken to the north or Canada or whatever and so he just got a bunch of cannons and just he just lit the whole place up on the he

didn't fucking care so some famous like a name you recognize I wasn't like sitting bull but it was some big all of the Indians the tribes all the tribes chose this guy yeah to negotiate with Jackson and he went and talked to Jackson just the two of them and he came out crying and so we're not we're in trouble we're not he this is going to go bad oh it's going to go bad no no he was he just had his way of thinking about how it was going to go he's like no we got to clear these

guys out of here also in line with Trump he was like this is where the term mud slinging starts yeah it was him and John Quincy their election or their debates and shit was he would just talk they would talk shit they would be nasty rumors in the paper whatever it took yeah whatever it took no I remember I have a friend who's a Trump guy who I've known for a long time I'm not going to say that his name is Nick DePaolo knowing Nick has always given me some insight into

the into the mentality of that kind of guy not just Trump but guys like Jackson I remember once I was with Nick and a lot of people and he was like three Democrats were yelling at him and he was starting to say crazy fucked up things to them and at one point I'm like Nick you even you know that's wrong and he goes it's three against one like he's and I and it gave me that I and then brought me back to when I was like nineteen and I was friends with Nick and we were

comedians in Boston and there was a a pinball machine we really like playing at this one club so we're playing pinball against each other and when it was my turn I was starting to beat his score and he just put his hand over my hand so I couldn't flip and he just looked at me like this and I'm like really he goes yeah I win I win I don't care but Jackson was yes Jackson was the first yeah he was a football player yeah college football player Jackson was the first

president to go like fuck you I'm I'm winning I'm winning this I don't care what happens to you we're gonna we're gonna you know so he also one of the big things with Jackson he was that he vetoed more bills than every president before him combined nice he hated the banks he he like went to war it's crazy he's on the 20 yeah it's like a joke because he hated the idea of a central bank he hated the idea of a treasury he thought that it should just be folks have their

money use gold and you trade and he wanted so I think the US Bank at the time I think it was called the United States like the Bank of the United States was up for re to be renewed and he just happened to be the president and he vetoed it yeah and it was a thing you don't veto it can't veto it no he vetoed it so then the next guy will get to him is his vice president Van Buren he takes over he takes over a completely destroyed economy because he vetoed the bank

that's the that's the way it goes yeah the cool guy yeah America is made of cowboys and nerds so you got cowboys who show off and who show what kind of people we are then you have nerds who actually get things done but the cowboys get the credit yeah then the nerds get fucked every got fucked his nickname was Van Ruins. Yes he had a lot of nicknames old Kinderhoek he was another total nerd and everybody hated Van Buren he was like a little fucking yeah he was supposed to

be I think he was one of those vice presidents that was supposed to be a link like because Jackson was the man in the south kind of or wherever and they were like let's get this dork to he's from. New York here's his pants yeah yeah. He was the legend is that you know he was one of the first people to have pamphlets like a lot of pamphlets like the press like the mass press started to get big so his pamphlet was because he was called old Kinderhoek because he's from Kinderhoek

New York so his thing was okay and it was a check mark nice and that's where people say that okay comes from what yeah because it was like his thing was okay with a check mark that was the point it was like vote for old Kinderhoek. That's the thing that's the thing when you look in this that's where all of our shit comes from yeah that's all of this. All right well you got to speed up because this one's funny Van Buren sucked whatever yeah he's here comes Harrison he's the next

guy everybody called him old granny because he was too much of a geezer to run so on his inauguration he was like I'm going to prove to everyone how tough I am yeah it was freezing cold and raining he had like an eight thousand word inauguration yeah he got it pneumonia died he died he was like a few months he died immediately like shortest term shortest term never had it didn't have a minute of acting as trying to prove he was tough got sick the first day died immediately and died a few

months later what yeah G that brings us to Tyler he did nothing Tyler was his party abandoned him no Taylor he was Harrison's vice president so Harrison dies the one thing he did do is set the precedent that the vice president stays as president nice so everyone was like what we don't know what to do here the presidents never died do you take over as an interim guy until we find a new guy and he was like no I'm just the president and enough that his party hated him for

that so they were they his own party abandoned him they didn't put him up for reelection because they thought they wanted to choose another guy they wanted to be able to put another guy yeah so he stayed he had no parties supported him he got nothing done he was never up for reelection again it must have been awkward that brings us to our guy though this is who I wanted to get to poke dude turns out polks the main really yeah I know nothing about no he was one term

because he was a dark horse out of nowhere and he promised everybody in his party I'll only do one term that way some of you guys that are good that are getting ready you can take over I promise to do one term when he was running his opponent slogan was who is James K. Polk like people are talking shit soon as he got in all this is good he was a tiny guy who's five eight which was like that's really small yeah he was five eight and when he got in his wife was the one who

came up with they got to play hail to the chief every time you come in a room to give you some respect give him a little yeah yeah so that's why that happens so right away Polk starts going it was kind of a joke it's like if a midget walked in no polks a beast immediately he starts fucking with the British about organ so they have the organ territory yeah out there which is just beaver hunting everybody's yeah beaver hunting we're doing a little bit of that in

Nash Vegas I mean about pussies hunting an organ for they were they were in Oregon Oregon pussy hunting so the British were pussy hunting the British and Americans were both pussy hunting on the same territory and Polk was like nah we're done with that and he said allegedly the latitude and latitude was 54 and 40 so he came out the slogan 54 and 40 or fight you saying that to the British he was like we're gonna fucking guys up true it came out but that's and the British people

were really into it love attitudes and longitude they were then so he called that and the British were afraid to call his bluff they were just like fine take it like that slogan is so good this guy's to not you came up with the fucking you use the longitude latitude so he takes that territory which is huge and then it's not just Oregon's Washington all that you know how wide Oregon is Portland is called Portland I bet you I do it was do you know it's not it was gonna be

Boston what cuz these two guys is it Lewis and Clark that yeah so one of them is Jefferson one of them is from Boston and one of them is from Portland main and they both want to name it after their hometown and they flipped the coin and named it Portland and there is a Boston in Oregon there's a town called Boston already anyway go on so after he gets Oregon yeah he's he's a guy it's time for me to get Texas he starts fucking with the Mexicans like so they would

send troops down just to see if the Mexicans would shoot first finally they did he immediately Mexicans it finally they shot so many times to get off their fucking free ladies and fire a shot so they they go to war they kind of like yeah I don't want to fire 70,000 troops poured in oh no that we immediately took California Arizona New Mexico Utah Texas and then who was the general who was the general that penetrated all the way to Mexico City that this later

right this was the next guy who was Zachary Taylor yeah Zachary Taylor was a big Mexican American warrior he was the warrior what Zachary Taylor was dominating together he went into Mexico City and the and if you go to in Mexico City the big thing is Los Niños these six I think it's four six kids so they stormed they went all the way to Mexico City and the Citadel the the Chapultepec the palace the army was so decimated that it was finally just the cadets of the military

school were the only ones defending the Capitol and they were there were just four kids firing on the American Army is just coming and they finally they wrapped themselves in Mexican flags and jumped and dove and killed themselves that was how they end this war and the moment is Zachary Taylor is holding one of them and he's saying they were just kids I get no idea they were they are like fucking 1215 years old man and in in Chapultepec there's four big pillars that are

still they're like war heroes that's pretty awesome yeah what did Mexico have back then like it was it like a king or like they well they had in Mexico so the what was going on all these years Napoleon assumed that the south would win the Civil War eventually that the south that there would be Europe always bet bet on the south because the south was was a aristocratic America it was about plantations and old families and that's a European and they loved Europe in the

south the north was always against Europe and wanting to start something new so during the Civil War so Maximilien was just a Hapsburg but the way Kings worked back then there were some royalty factories so the Hapsburg family who I think were like Flemish or whatever the fuck they just had like somebody a cousin of a king they went Maximilien and his wife they're like you guys take Mexico you're so Napoleon sent French troops to Mexico and in installed Max Maximilien but

then those would send you to my house yes and then so then them the the Mexicans finally over because when we lost the Civil War when the when we lost the Civil War what made me say that no when the when the south lost the Civil War Napoleon was like I fuck this well Napoleon was gone for whoever the French pulled their pulled their well there was like three to pull oh true I think it was a later to pull in yes pulled support yeah and Maximilien they beheaded him fuck they fed

peyote to his wife and center home and there's some little village somewhere in like the Netherlands where they tell you like she's gonna come get you cuz she would run the streets she went insane she would run the streets screaming and they tell kids if you don't get to sleep cuz she comes out at night you don't go to sleep she's gonna she's gonna come get you that's how far that's how far in Mexico I'm sorry to derail you but so Zachary so you were still at poke and then

but still so one thing that was cool was when Polk was instigating this war with Mexico you got to cut that part where I say we lost now that's not that I don't know what you corrected it immediately this is pretty sick so Polk was up there like they're fucking with us they they shot at our troops and I saw an old one term senator from Illinois at the time stood up and said were we on their territory when we shot him there's one guy that was opposed to the Mexican

American War guy by the name of Abraham really Abraham Lincoln people like hey shut up pussy yeah dude we're trying to take Texas yeah you guys were we like yeah he's like sorry I think this was wrong anyway that's why Polk's kind of man he he added one third of the entire United States in a four year term pretty good on territory I know but still still like those big big got Texas and California and they're really half our population they're sitting I wish he hadn't added them especially

Texas but again Mexico fuck again that was a smashing we America destroyed Mexico was mean it was mean then this is good Polk he was working his tail off his tail he was tired he got he was he was so exhausted when he got done he went back to Tennessee and just died like right away right yeah yeah he was like that was too much I should have done a lot of work yep just died so then comes Zachary Taylor this is 1849 to 1850 that's a quick term old rough and

ready yeah pretty sick Nick old dead and yeah he's about to be dead yeah he died I don't know what he died of he was a just being in the 1800s yeah he was one of the largest slave holders in the south so when he got elected the south was like nice because at this point the territories he just added Polk did all that in four years which was sick but it also it was too much because now there's so much territory and the slaves versus the abolitionist debate every state they had to add

there was a debate there's a debatey all Southern presence so many Southern presidents yeah I mean outside of the Adams is pretty much nonstop Virginia yep and then it gets into like Tennessee and they started digging into their their bench was not good enough and then we started kind of with Ohio we started coming back yeah actually kind of northern presidents tended to suck Lincoln ruled yeah but he was well he was Kentucky Illinois yeah Illinois before killing which I

always forget one I think he I think he was born in Kentucky in a log cabin in Kentucky and then he was then he was in Illinois yeah who fucking knows there's no way to know we weren't right about ever no we were never correct about half these facts but we're having fun oh yeah I I could be I'm just I love just acting like I know it's great so one thing Taylor gets in there everybody's like nice everybody in the south like nice this guy's pro slavery he gets any tends to start

actually leaning towards standing with the north this is all leading to the Civil War because like guys like this start fucking this up as soon as he says we're going to establish or abolish slave in the Western territories South Carolina says they're going to succeed Taylor says he's going to fucking hang everybody down there if they do it what yeah he didn't react well yeah no he wasn't like let's talk and send it every area fucking you just say that and then they're like

are you and he's like well no but I'm gonna hang a lot with tough talk yeah this is this is how he died we went this is his first term podcast about go ahead how did he die he went to Washington D.C. for Independence Day and he ate too many cherries and milk what because like I said it was a swamp so there was like a collar like the old pop rocks and coke yeah he had cherries and frosted milk and he exploded it was been by the way you know how many there were four

presidents were you think about the fact that four of them were assassinated yeah four well successfully yeah I see four were killed yeah shot and killed yeah we're out of 40 there's been 47 presidents 10% wait hold on how many got shot and killed it was I don't think they got shot and killed yeah four were shot and killed Garfield this is where I stopped a guy with a G grow you'd see the Grover Cleveland or Garfield one of those two was shot and killed yeah McKinley shot and

killed JFK and Lincoln nice for shot and killed Reagan fucking close badly shot yeah Roosevelt Teddy shot in the chest bull but had a speech a thick piece of paper with his speech and finish the speech did yep finish the speech shot was like and somebody shot at at at Jack Andrew Jackson yeah you get and he had a cane and he beat the guy the shit out of the guy almost beat him to death the guy shot shot him and he just get the fuck goes right outside the the Capitol what like by the

big pillars or whatever yeah and he just beat the fucking shit he was insane were they all crazed lone gunman type things or is it like yeah most of them were crazy people there's a few other guys that were shot at that somebody took shots at them and but that they didn't get her what's his name well FDR they killed the governor right who's sitting next to somebody a spray of bullets and he wasn't hurt but the governor sitting next to him was killed Jesus governor of Georgia or Florida

I don't fucking know anyway go on but yeah like over 10 per like 12% of them had been shot have been shot yeah so it's an intense job it's a good chance it is like a higher rate than actual soldiers in war yeah well I don't know it's probably I guess so I bet it is it's fucked up yeah cuz in like regular like revolutions it's like 70,000 soldiers 2000 dead what's crazy like that before it used to be like when you know you like what's his name Alexander the Great and whoever

some Kings used to lead heads of state used to lead charges be the front horse like going right headlong into an army it'd be nice to be a Roman Roman guys did that and yeah yeah fucking God holy shit he's coming right at me he's coming so now we're at Fillmore the thing that sucks about fucking Taylor dying is he was like kind of a beast that could have maybe prevented the Civil War that's looming and then Fillmore was it just a schlub Fillmore was a schlub he signed this is

where it all starts to fuck up every single one of these guys up to Lincoln is just fucking up immensely he wanted to sign and pass in the buck so Taylor was offered to sign the compromise of 1850 which was some shit about one slave state one regular or they get to decide shit like that as soon as fucking Taylor died Fillmore takes over and signs it southerners were mad that California would join as a free state northerners were mad about the fugitive slave law so

they both compromise and we're both pissed fugitive slave law was if you can if you find a slave in the north there's us marshals that'll catch them and bring them back to the south you have to help them get them back and there were dudes that were just like grabbing black people got him where's my bounty so it was a slave guy got taken oh shit is it yeah he wasn't that he was a free northerner who was kidnapped by one of those guys was bad happened all

the time he was the last member of the wig party they didn't run him a second term here comes Franklin Pierce he was a pals with Jackson son of a revolutionary war hero he's from the north but he was pro slavery they thought this was going to work two months before the this is crazy two months before his inauguration he and his family were in a train crash and the only casualty was his 11 year old son so his entire time in

office he's blacked out drunk and depressed he's the saddest guy of all time he's not listening his kid just died his wife blamed him for the death constantly she was like we should have never been on that train you just had to be the fucking president you gave birth to him bitch you're on the train you were you had fun yeah dude fuck so he's there during Pierce they do the transcontinental railroad this is this is like the real this is a fuck up for

the the north wants it to be from Chicago to LA or one of those places ls the south wants it to be from Atlanta to LA in order to get it done they have to get rid of the Missouri line compromise which made it nothing's north or south of here was the slave line they decided to make it so every new territory got to decide themselves they got to vote in order to get the transcontinental railroad

so this open every single thing we did to build this nation ran into this slave problem yes every single thing we tried to do was like yeah but the fucking north south slave fucking slave states non slave states we need to build a railroad across that's the first interstate yes thing the first interstate objective yeah it's the first thing that is the first thing that need you need a federal governments why we start the federal government got stronger and stronger because

every state gets to do their own thing but you want to take a fucking train from one to the other you guys these two states have to make a compromise so you needed a federal government to make these it was like the precursor to union non-union they just blow yeah yeah like flammable yeah yeah yeah yeah it's and it's the other reason just to just a general thing that the federal government became what gave the federal government power was the state's wanting parity with each

other like when environmental laws became a thing they were state laws so like Indiana would make a law you can't dump you know sludge into the river anymore so every company in Indiana has to pay extra to do a better job of dumping their shit and take it to the ocean or somewhere else ruin somebody else's life yeah but so next door to Indiana is Illinois they're like we dump we go and we dump anything we want and so all the business goes there and so the the Indiana the

Illinois companies like we don't want to dump we don't want to hurt the environment but we can't compete with these guys yeah right so they would go the so they all the states would go to the Fed and say please pass a law that affects everybody so that we can all do the right thing that we want to do without having to get squeezed out by this guy yeah and that worked until we started doing shit with Mexico and India and China but anyway go yeah it's it was it was

interesting to me we're at I think Pierce on the on the Transcontinental Road yeah that turns out to be like that's what started I mean obviously there's a ton of major factors but that was like a big one because it opened what was called the Nebraska Kansas Act which is they got to decide to vote whether they were pro slave or pro abolition so then a bunch of people just rushed in from the from the north south and they started fucking killing each other what it was

the it was I forget the names they were pretty sick it was like the Free Staters versus the border ruffians this is where John Brown and his son was out there oh yeah yeah they started hacking people with swords to death like that was that was that was it and Franklin Pierce was like he did nothing he didn't get involved yeah it must have been crazy when you had a bunch of slaves like this is wrong you had to be like no huh no it's been crazy to be like no I don't think it is

why you just would pretend not to or you just wouldn't I mean you'd see it on the newspaper was faded yeah I don't know that much about it just not being able to go down to my slaves I treat him okay they're great yeah right tell him oh yeah he's great all right he was it yeah no it's fine no and meanwhile the north was starting to get I mean it's getting after Pierce is who Buchanan so Buchanan is the guy who Lincoln who right before Lincoln yes right because the other thing that was

going on is the north is industrializing and the north is starting to build sweat houses and factories and so part of the argument that people were having that is like the kind of argument we would have now if it would be interesting to take this culture with Twitter and everything and supplanted to slavery days and how we would have handled that debate back through because there were people that were saying you know the north has free workers and a ton of them immigrants

that had started and they're treated like garbage they're living like shit and there's dying in large numbers and getting sick uneducated not and being not allowed to be educated kids are working heavy ton of southern southern political cartoons that are like that that are about how bad they weren't like our family we we give them their own house with their plot of land they get to do this and that we you know most slave owners were this were better that this is the

argument and that the north was just like wholesale destroying lives yeah and you know read what's his name fucking up to Sinclair the one she was going on in Chicago and the slaughter house meets what's it called it's a they're not the meat packing shit right yeah jungle what's it called the jungle yeah yeah so another important thing about that that point of the industrialization of the north it just flooded with immigrants so now their population is so big that they get

more votes they get more electoral count like all that so now the south like we need to we need to get power we need so now we need more states we need more states because otherwise they're gonna abolish slavery and we're gonna be poor and but they're also hanging on to a way of life in the south yeah and in the north they're not they're trying to do anything that's new and anything that's next and anything that's large amounts of money and large amounts of industry and they're

they're they're manufacturing in huge amounts in the south they're just trying to play a fiddle and whip the guy grow grow a little tough to cotton shirt one shirt every six months to the thing to point out it's important to know yeah this was the fight was an insanely different yeah we still wanted to be one country we wanted to be one country so is this weird a conflict that never went away so like does it continue to morph till now it's just like something it

does we are like no we need to talk about yeah yeah it's but so okay so what's his name now we're at James Buchanan who's probably the worst I think he was frozen by two he had so much pressure he was a lawyer from Pennsylvania that was just about the law yeah which was the last thing he needed to be as the president which was like well that's the rule but he had all of Lincoln's problems with none of his charisma and guts yeah and blood that was James Buchanan

had the dreads to kill dread Scott was under James Buchanan which was where if you don't know about that that was about a slave living in free territory and he was suing to get his freedom it went all the way up to the Supreme Court where they ruled he was an object so he had no he was not a citizen therefore that ruling made sure every black person in America was an object yes not a citizen and Buchanan responded by saying that's the law that settles it instead of standing up

he just had to follow the law yeah so he was like an extension of the court yeah that's not it wasn't his job yeah man that brought us to Lincoln and as soon as Lincoln gets elected the South secedes yeah every state starts to say we're not America anymore like immediately before he takes yeah office it's also crazy checking in on the headlines and you know like now they said you're a chair basically like fuck yeah yeah fuck you got Lincoln though you know Lincoln well we could

just maybe skip them because they'll be the whole fucking yeah we could stop we could stop with Lincoln let's stop and then you go on to some guys you're interested in after all right yeah we're good we can go as long as we want talking for an hour okay well you're not enjoying us you're not having the time of your life I'm having a great time I knew you would this is nice right having a great time you're not having a great time I'm not I hate this decent time really no I'm having

a good time how much you decide which one the thing I liked about I mean I gave you that book about Lincoln that's a great wasn't in Carl Sandberg it's a weird kind of stream of consciousness telling of Lincoln story in four volumes it's crazy just the Warriors just from when he took office and when he was coming here there was everything the hell was breaking loose and there was supposed to be a January 6th there was supposed to be one there was a plan to

stop the certifying of the vote and so they went to general fuck what was his name he's the only American general then because we didn't fight wars anymore yeah so the army was kind of like not you know I think he was the commander he's the name you just know when you hear like Scott some oh yeah Winfield one field Scott yes so they went to Winfield Scott the guys run in the government then they said we think there's going to be this thing where they're going to try to

stop the so he said he said if anyone he did made a declaration he's publicly he said if anyone tries to stop the counting of votes and the democratic process from happening either by force or by infiltration I will stuff them into my Canon and fertilize my lawn with Lincoln said that that's what he said what no no and what he did in real fact because he was a really smart guy he gave all of the Capitol police and all those guys that they had that the day all they said go

home and he went and got a policeman from Baltimore from New York City all kinds of like badass cops and he had them in plain clothes all over the Capitol heavily all heavily arms but in plain clothes so and people so if somebody started something the guy would just go like this or elbow him or whatever but the appearance was that it was peaceful and that there was no military presence but nothing happened that's what it took to get Lincoln everybody up to the minute that

happened everyone was like I don't know if he's ever going to take office of people believed he would never be president he wasn't even on the ballot in the southern states not even on the ballot yeah what he didn't win one southern state a lot of people big big people who would be like whoever now wrote long things saying don't take office your presidency your your victory is hollow it's not real not even just people from the south but people from the north they were they

everyone was afraid that Lincoln was going to just immediately free the slaves and start war with the south and his first inauguration he says first thing for first thing out of his mouth is I have no intention of freeing the southern slaves or changing their slave laws and yes we will chase down and bring you back your slaves when they come up here within Reezy puts like a tiny thing of like we're not going to like make it our obsession but we will do it like so first thing

out of his mouth bothers me about people like people that are critics of him hang on to that and they're like you know Lincoln didn't want to do it it's like dude the whole time that's what he wanted of course you did that's what again it goes all the way back to the framers they all wanted this to be a better country than it was so they they knew they couldn't they couldn't create a nation without slavery so they said let's create a nation where people can change

peacefully they can change not only leadership but the laws that create a situation where people figure it out for themselves and move forward and change instead of like a constitution could have been a very permanent thing it could have been a very solid permanent thing but they actually made it elastic on purpose and that's yeah Lincoln was like we'll do it yeah we'll do it yeah just we need some fucking time and boy what it cost yeah is crazy and a lot of people

who didn't want slavery we're really angry at Lincoln for how hard he pushed that war and that he didn't just settle it just let the South do whatever they want we have we have our free blacks here let them take their chances down there you're killing millions or however many fucking I don't know how many people was like quarter million people died in the Civil War yeah probably around there something like about how many we killed in Iraq in a day yeah pretty much

true yeah for doing nothing less than Middle Eastern civilians yeah measure it like Persian weddings yeah exactly but yeah it was yeah Lincoln's the Lincoln's the best I really something I mean it just took a lot a lot of political guts a lot of doing a lot of fuck yeah he's just trying to talk to these fucking cons from the south it's just like clearly this is for money you know it's wrong yeah you know it's wrong it's it's dude it's 1865 it was the ultimate time 60

they know it's wrong one folks not wanting to say that shit's wrong yeah and him like not making them say it but getting them to yeah just one guy at a time one guy at a time he would just go around get support here get support there put muscle in where he had it and he fought a brutal brutal war yeah fucking a incessant war and he had to wait until he got a victory to fucking announce the Emancipation Proclamation oh he was trying so hard to get it out but his generals

kept fucking up and losing and he would just be right into these dudes like go yeah please do it get one get one like I think he wrote it after Antietam which was like a draw that's pretty good that's close enough here we go we're doing it shot yeah and he got his fucking head blown off by next to his wife yeah and they put a little napkin that was what they did for him they put a little napkin back there and hoped but it was not a good was not a very good life for a while

after yeah that's what he didn't just die right away he didn't have to die at all yeah he didn't die right away really yeah he was like alive in the hotel and they're like we don't know how to do anything yeah yeah what play was he saying does anyone know fuck I do know what well what was the play it was at the Ford's Theater I don't remember the he was watching it was something good yeah he was fixated he didn't notice the assassin thing it was Hamilton he was

sitting there like was it nice he was sitting there watching it like I got to pretend to like this yeah it's fucking Hamilton and then they shot him he was like thank God Christ the shit sucks so bad so that brings us to Johnson so this is great first first guy to be impeached was he impeach oh yeah first guy to be impeached yeah Johnson shows up this is great he was he was like a tough guy he was supposed to be the counteraction Lincoln well

he's one of the reasons the war was prolonged because everybody knew if we could just get rid of Lincoln Johnson was behind him with there was a deal to be made it was like don't was like don't talk outside the family he was like son you know yeah son he liked my deal didn't he son he was happy Johnson would have fucking settled in a minute Johnson started his life as an indentured servant no shit and worked his way up how sick is that that's impressive and then before his inauguration

you got fucked up on whiskey and just couldn't talk it's inauguration it was in the rain in the mud right after Lincoln got shot never was like he's he's the one who proved you can you can impeach a president but you cannot get the fucking votes it's a waste of time and he ends up stronger yeah the dumbest move in the world it's it's vanity yeah it's just that Congress hates the president is just bullshit yeah but it doesn't accomplish anything they they I don't remember why

they went after him whatever he was very corrupt fucked up guy I don't know who knows it's all shit that I heard because of them but they they impeached him and then failed to get rid of him really nothing else about him but I don't know either but then fucking Grant Grant amazing guy great guy amazing guy I feel like his presidency was a bit of a fucking letdown for how cool he was I mean he did so Christing much this guy to help the south he was pretty good what do you do well and

say he was he was first of all some people get on him because he owned his he owned us one slave because his father his father-in-law his wife's father yes hated him because he was an abolitionist me wasn't like an active abolition sure but he was against it just for not having a slave back then if you didn't have a slave you were a dick to serve yeah so you were like put on a mask yeah you were that guy you were like why do you have slaves yeah and they're like why is this guy

making me feel uncomfortable yeah so he hated him because he had slaves and he didn't want one so he gave him one for as a wedding present like to spite him what a dick yes so Jesus so Grant made the guy his partner and they started a little business together which he then freed the guy and gave him the business yeah so he would go he would go work with the slaves to be out there with them working yeah and then while he was like financially ruined yeah he freed his slaves instead

of selling but he had one though I'm not sure he might have had one at that point story story I just told you I think his slave story I don't think he had a bunch of him he had he had one slave and he freed him instead of selling them but his father and he gave him a business yeah it started with him his father-in-law history fucked him he was like yeah that's right that's right here's and then he was he was in the army and he went one of his first jobs was outpost near San

Francisco was in the middle of nowhere there's no I mean it was in the desert of California he was the only one there and he was a family man I loved his family he missed his bed missed his family so much and he started just getting drunk and they can somebody came to drop the mail and found him passed out drunk and that was his only experience with alcohol he was not he was a very rigidly living guy and he was thought known as a drunk for the rest of his life really there's every time

he had a political problem they'd go he's drinking there's arguments there's rumors he was fucked up at Shiloh because he said because he sat under a tree in the rain they found him sitting under a tree in the rain outside of a military hospital it also is funny because Shiloh he woke up on day two of it yeah at like the start of day two or maybe it was the start of day one when it started he was late to get there so everybody was like he was hammered but if he was

hammered that's very funny to be like oh shit there's a war so after he was after he was he had won the Civil War started really reconstruction like started like really he was in earnest wanting to get opportunities in the equity for black people equal opportunity for black people and then he retired and was in New York they became a New Yorker he became big big big part of this city yeah and he had a son named Kermit who I think his name was Kermit who those

1800s yeah so Kermit invested like fucking great name invested his money and all of his father's money with some asshole guy who took it and just left town and just took all of their money every penny that they had and so Grant went to visit Vanderbilt who's outside of the Grand Central Station is a great statue of him I think it was Vanderbilt yeah went to the richest man in New York City who was a hard ass a guy who didn't care for charity or anything but he brought his

he brought sure what's his name the sword that was get who yeah Lee Robert he had Robert E. Lee sword that he surrendered to him he had his congressional Medal of Honor and the Bible that he was that he took the oath of office and he gave them he said I want to sell these to you because I have no money and Vanderbilt said Jesus Christ president holy shit we're not doing that he said I I'm going to donate these to the National Museums and I'll give you a you know like he bought

them for the nation but did he buy his biography isn't that what he knows what happened with the biographies is the best part of his story and it's actually his greatest legacy is by his biography his autobiographies like the greatest ever written so he met two guys on a train he was didn't do and he'd do anything for money at this point he's because his wife was very young he was broke as everything he's been through he was broke and his wife was young and he was going

to leave her destitute so he met two guys on a train they're like why don't you write your autobiography will pay you a thousand dollars and he was like done what so then about a week later he meets up with Mark Twain was like his best friend and Mark Twain said why don't you write your autobiography your memoirs and he said I'm doing that for these guys and he goes what are they paying you and he goes a thousand dollars and he's like dude what is wrong and he says give me

the book all published because he Mark Twain and started his own publishing company because he hated publishers said I'll publish it and I'll help you write it and he said I promise those two guys he's like did you sign something he goes no but I did I like I gave my word so so Twain or his real name what's his Clemens Clemens goes travels to I think he went to see Sherman he went to see he's like I need to see somebody who trust who you know listen to so he went to visit Sherman and

said please like please get him to do this so Sherman wrote a telegram to Grant saying for for the love of God give the book to that's what that's what the thing that's all so he wrote his biography autobiography and the remarkable thing about it that I read was that there's like no adjectives in it it's like all verbs and nouns the entire book is verbs and nouns because he just says what happened it's a very well written book and so Clemens turned it into this special edition that

you had to order one you could get any color you wanted and it was the first blockbuster book in American history it made like half a million dollars in the first month meanwhile he had a goiter that was growing and growing Stoges you always see him with the Stoges died of throat cancer like right as he finished the book and then his wife was made for life her first check from Twain was like four hundred thousand dollars whoa yeah I think he wasn't he buried here and this monument and

he's buried in in Grant's tomb on the Harlem and when he died the north there was this huge funeral and it was northern and southern soldiers southern soldiers were allowed to put back on their southern uniforms because it was a big thing that his casket was carried by north and south it's too bad you can never get away with wearing a Confederate uniform in Harlem these days because that would get away with yeah but he was he was fucking awesome at the when when Lee

surrendered he was very like I mean it was it was unconditional surrender so he was like you guys are gonna fucking give up but he was like keep your guns go home start rebuilding like he could have fucking destroyed the south and he was very chill I think Custer stole the fucking sword he hated I think Custer stole Lee's sword maybe got it back but I think the story was Grant wouldn't accept it or something a lot of them keep it and yeah Custer's blood thirsty and then on on the parade

back into Washington yeah Grant was obviously out front Custer fucking rode ahead and Grant was like this mother fucker Custer was the blonde hair you look at if you look into Custer he was pretty fucking I don't know much about him he fucked up Jeb stored at Gettysburg which was pretty cool because Jeb was the man and he wrote in he was with the Michigan Calvary and he was like come on you Wolverines and fucking let him into a charge that's why they're the Michigan Wolverines all that shit so

then you got Hayes who undid all of this yeah cool stuff for black people it's all very just he didn't want to get deal with it so he just he just did away with it and then you got fucking who else then it goes Garfield then I get bleary yeah this is all this is like the Gilded Age is what it's called it's all shit yeah but this is where shit like it goes from we ended slavery to now just right back into just just racism really not slavery but just every law against them

subjugation just like every it became the same obsession as before yeah but without slavery just became all about not letting them vote keeping them off and that goes all the way up until like now yeah yeah like we're just yesterday we figured out yesterday thank god finally Arkansas nice little nation yeah Louisiana cleaned up their act a little true and Alabama my favorite president just jump in way the fuck ahead is Nixon is my favorite dude he's awesome he's

the best and again as a character yes Nixon gave the country one great gift that I wish was like I wish it was taught like the speech that Lincoln has on his monument and though ask not what your country and all that shit the greatest thing that he did because it speaks more to what Americans live is that when Nixon was shamed and destroyed and had to leave office he had to fucking resign he had to give after a couple of I'm not a crook and this is all bullshit he

had to go and say well all right I'm gonna go and still not cook but I'm gonna get out of here yeah Gerald Ford would take the you know with the office at this time in this office and he left but before he left he gave a speech to his staff to the White House staff that was impromptu it was just on his way to the to the to the helicopter and he's just and he's copiously crying in the speech this video of it that you can see you have to try to find the whole thing

because there's clips that you can find on YouTube but I actually ordered from C-span DVD of the whole speech and they're all balling the whole staff and his family standing behind him and he just tells them look don't he's encouraging them he said this is a tough moment for all of us he said first of all I don't want to encourage I don't want to discourage young people from taking from being in public service he was afraid of what would what the what would

has happened yes he was right he said don't be discouraged from public office it's a great calling and he said in for any mistakes that we made in all the everything that's happened not one person in this administration um gained financially from anything from being here left richer than when they got here he made it first of all he defended everybody that was there and then he just starts reflecting for he reads from Teddy Roosevelt's uh from his diary

when Teddy's uh wife and mother died at the same night they both died of cholera or whatever on the same night he was going from room one room to the other oh yeah and they both died and he was like at 21 or something and he wrote this quote that was like the light has gone out and it'll be darkness forever and he said he so he read it to his staff and he said that's how he felt having lost his wife and his mom and he went on and had this incredible life so he's

trying to say don't so he says now don't be discouraged never be petty uh don't hate your enemies because that's when you'd start to destroy yourself he's starting he gets it really introspective about everything that happened without talking about it and then he says it's horrible he goes um he says uh they'll never write a book about my mother but she was a saint oh man and I think of her like one of his brothers had tuberculosis and they had no

money so she moved to Arizona where the air was better and she was a nurse a wet nurse she nursed other people's babies for money in order that her son could live in Arizona and he talks about his father who was a lemon farmer who had a failing lemon farm and then he was a uh switch man on a on a street car and he just talks about his parents and and what they did for him and all that and he just cries oh it was it's fucking beautiful but it shows you a man at the at the

height of American experience destroyed from that height which is the worst thing that can happen to a person is to get that high and fall and he just went here's how this feels he just told the world this is how this feels is what this looks like and uh here's all I can say and then he went and incredible I mean he was one of the most influential people in American history yeah he ended Vietnam right yes that was already about he was in that he was in he was fucking uh

Eisenhower's vice president he there's there's uh there's a guy we know that's a bit of a conspiracy guy but he's been pretty correct on everything so far and he's got a book coming out on Watergate yeah okay and about how that was more it was a little darker than it seemed so I know a guy back when I was first living in the city as a comedian um there was a guy named Frank um Gannon who had a Gannon Frank Gannon wrote speeches for Nixon and was a very close friend of his and

weirdly he became the guy who books the comedians on Letterman and when I moved to New York back in 1990 or so being on Letterman was the all anybody wanted so Gannon was the most important person in comedy at the time and he was a strange guy who was very serious and he would just come and he'd watch you and if he liked you he'd get more of you to come and maybe you'd be on the show so he liked me he never got me on the show but he liked me so I went to Letterman's office and met him

and I asked him about Nixon because he wrote Nixon has one big biography called R.N. that Gannon co-wrote and he told me that when you get a few drinks in Nixon he says the same people that got the Kennedy's got me it's the same same people that got yeah he said it's the same machine that took out yeah John and Robert came after him he said they just couldn't use bullets anymore because it was getting too they were getting they were on exactly what we said we said that without Watergate was he said Watergate was something that happened

all the time it was just like and still does I mean it's not like oh my oh my goodness it's how things are done yeah yeah it's a safe for the million dollars in it what president doesn't have a safe for the million dollars it was uh so that's that's Nixon's story that was that was Nixon's story he didn't say it in public sure because the same as he conceded the presidency to Kennedy which Kennedy stole I mean hope everyone knows that that his father took suitcases of money to delegations

and stole the presidency and Nixon knew it and he was like I'm not gonna this not good for the country to get in that that's why he resigned instead of standing trial and that's why he didn't talk about that's well that's the story you know yeah um yeah that's that's a good that's a good uh most interesting president most interesting I think to me yeah I mean Johnson was also fascinating yeah Johnson was and Reagan was kind of an empty-headed genius incredible knows how to just be as long as somebody's else is in the room Reagan was brilliant

but I'm not sure he had any thoughts yeah I mean there are people like that yeah he he was like a actor that was an actor I guess I'll be a republican while he was there and then which was which was pretty admirable at the time because he was actually no it wasn't because that was in the middle of the red scare he was like one of the guys being like you're a communist he just became the man my favorite film of Reagan is Larry King interviewing him after he was shot and saying so what do you what do you

how do you what do you feel about this guy and he said well I just pray for him he's a sick man he's just you know I found out later that he's he's sick he's mentally ill so we add him to our prayers and we hope him for the best for him and he says it with his big oh yeah we're fucking that guy up oh yeah he's I hope he's doing good yeah yeah yeah he's doing great yeah um I think that yeah that should be it right yeah yeah thanks that's fun enough you had fun yeah it was good why do you get accusing me of having fun it was fun uh thanks for thanks for doing it man

sure thanks for asking thanks fun goodbye wow wow yeah let's just do that yeah we're not gonna do ads on the next one we got to do ads on this let's do it yeah can't do ads on the next one no dude in the middle of that you can't drop an ad no so man Shane's pot man Shane's secret podcast is brought to you by Hawthorne I bet you think it really stinks in here and it did but now we've got Hawthorne what the fuck what why did they say we stink and it did but now we've got Hawthorne to make us

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you got this one Lucy yes guys just give me some wrap about Lucy like you know you know the favorite flavors I love it mangoes my shit because although I'm addicted to it I'm still a fucking fruity true fruity guy I'm still a bit of a fruit man yeah you want to enjoy it you gotta be healthy when you're doing it for sure that's how I get my fruits yeah so you guys know the deal if you're addicted to nicotine that's a funny joke if you're addicted to nicotine go to Lucy I know that doesn't work

Lucy's safe it's the chemical they isolate the chemical nicotine and make it taste yummy they make it taste good so not only are the chemical itself is addicting they give it a good taste exactly to make it even more fucking enjoyable exactly that's that's all we can do now is just enjoy ourselves guys yeah so guys check out the full line of products at Lucy.co and use the promo code drenched at checkout that's Lucy.co and be sure to use that promo code drenched and if you're a listener from Canada Lucy is now available at ca.lucy.co

warning this product contains nicotine nicotine is an addictive chemical but also that's why you like it that's why you like it and that's why you like it and probably the baby was probably on nicotine when he had that quick reaction time to get that you know play red dead yeah you can take a tobacco to can you really you can take Lucy to fucking the golden eye yeah so guys I'm gonna be on my fucking dumb tour forever I'm gonna be on the road forever so April 28th to 30th that's this weekend I'll be in Indianapolis

tickets going fast there's there's some tickets left I think May 6th I'll be in Manchester England May 8th Leeds England May 9th Glasgow Scotland May 12th Dublin 13th London 13th London so this has been a big confusion for a lot of people the first show is at Leicester Square I believe it's sold out the second one is at 02 Shepherd's Bush Empire don't worry about what it fucking time it says on the tickets or whatever just get there at night and wait I think that's the first like

real theater I've ever headlined really London so yeah please come to that because if that doesn't sell out I'm gonna feel like a fucking doofus you gotta get Jason Statham out too oh I will get Statham down dude yeah welcome to the show welcome welcome yo uh June 3rd through 5th Philly already sold out not a big deal June 6th through 11th Brea California whatever St. Louis Austin Baltimore Pittsburgh San Francisco Brisbane Australia Sydney Australia Adelaide Australia Perth

Melbourne let's go oh my goodness I mean and then I'm dead yeah true after that whole tour then I will be dead mummify your remains dude place you in the fucking hallway at helium just as a mummy be tight dude bananas comedy club that's the big one that's the end that's the absolute end of my just wicked run dude one show a month for four months where are you going bananas brotherford how is this not it's sold out I don't know

I'm bringing Sid and butterly so it'll be nice we're gonna do stand up oh shit at the end of it we'll just do a bit of a live stone dead but just never to never to be seen again live a little live dude a little at the end of the shows we'll have a nice oh it's been having fun this weekend yeah this weekend bananas bananas coming up north jersey I mean dude New York it's not sold out yet so get tickets not at all I don't think it's close but it'll be fun it's gonna be fun it's a new room that's why that's why yeah I thought it was the tiny room

is it the new room the other one used to be in it's not the one by dad it's not in the thing about a thing really now you're at yeah someone well it's brotherford whatever this will be which is right next to it it'll be fun dude I've been having me know me and said the kid I've been having a good time yeah so we'll get the butterly man dude it's gonna be it'll be a good show Gardini we'll have the absolute SS himself super star oh SS Gardini the old SS officer Sean Gardini I was disappointed no one yelled eight off

at Chris when he got on someone did I think someone yelled I went outside to hear yes he could do a sponge no he's he got him a turd I think turds that means you're super that means you're an og also I would like to get Gus the groundhog going for Nate Marshall that's what I was thinking about I'd like for him to be called Gus that'd be nice Gus the groundhog that's his rap name what do you got um the drip at the stand uh Wednesday May 4th at 7 p.m that was gonna be fun

some instagram nice and then the doghouse at sesh Friday May 13th Friday 13th very that will be a spooky time guys we're about to go do something could change our lives forever true thank you for listening adios