Ep 393 - The Presidents (feat. Louis C.K.)
00:00Guys, this is a history podcast.Serious. Let's talk presidents.In fact, let's talk all of them in order.Yeah.That was it. Hold on. No, no, no, no.Just wait.Let's talk Washington.Adams, Jefferson, Madison, Monroe, Adams, Jackson,
00:22Van Buren, Harrison, Tyler, Polk, Taylor, Fillmore, Pierce,Buchanan, Lincoln, Johnson, Grant, Hayes, Garfield, Arthur,Cleveland, Harrison, Cleveland, McKinley, Roosevelt, Taft,Wilson, Harding, Coolidge, Hoover, Roosevelt.No.No, hold on. Give me a second.Hoover.Yeah, it's Roosevelt.
01:15Truman.Uh-huh.Oh, yeah.Second, Truman, Eisenhower, JFK, Johnson, Nixon, Ford,Carter, Reagan, Bush, Clinton, Bush, Obamna, Trump.Did you say Obama now?Obama.Wow.
01:39Obama now.That took me all night.Damn, dude.You studied for that all night?No, it took a half hour, but it was pretty impressive.That's pretty good.Yeah, I had to keep practicing.I was doing it before bed, like I was praying.
01:53Do the vice presidents.Adams.Are you seriously going to try?I could go.I think I could go.Here's a good piece of trivia.And don't look it up.Nope.
02:05OK.Here's a quiz question.Who is Johnson, Lyndon Mains Johnson's vice presidentafter Kennedy was shot when he became the vice president?Your mother's cunt.Oh, man.It wasn't her.It wasn't her.
02:23It wasn't your mother.It was her cunt.Her cunt was a real, wait a second.This is a history podcast.Yeah.What if that was true?You're telling me.Jones' cunt.
02:38Yeah, because he only needed her for one year.And then when he ran for, then when he ran,he got somebody else.But he was like, he calls out, Joan, I need your cunt to be myvice.He called her from Dallas.You know that famous picture of him on the plane?That was.
02:57He called her right before that.I need your vagina to be my president, my vice president.All right.So let's start from the top.Mom, I'm so sorry that he said that.I'm not.I never met your mom.You fell back.
03:13I didn't know she's very sweet.Very sweet.Bob.All right.Let's start with Washington, dude.Yeah.What do you guys know about him?What do you say?
03:25I mean, Washington is like a transitionary guy because hewas he was so British.He was a British general.He wasn't like, you know, he wasn't born in the American.He didn't create America.It wasn't even his idea.Yeah.He was he was just a tool of.
03:41He was the first general president.Now, he was born in the U.S.No, I know, but he wasn't like he was a Brit.He was a.Yeah, he fought in the French and Indian War as a British.Yeah.Yeah.He's a Lord.
03:51He actually kind of sucked in that in that war.In fact, also kind of everybody sucked in the wars.Everything he did was retreat.It was luck to be to win anything.Yeah.He was good at retreating.That was like his number one.The important thing to be good at very good in war.
04:05They don't otherwise you lose once.He got he would fight again because he retreated so well.Yeah.It's pretty tight, though.Show up like nah, run away like nice.1789.That's when he started.Well, most of the guys it was so hard like a lot of the army
04:20didn't want to be there and didn't have to be there.It's crazy like 1776.The year that Washington did all all that insane shit.It's crazy that people kept.They kept expecting the army to flee.Yeah.But they hung in there with with little.It's not like they were like we're making America.
04:39That's coming later.Yeah, they had no fucking idea.So he's he's as good as they were basically.And it's not like you picture him on this horse like talking.But no, most of them didn't even look at the guy.They didn't see him.You know, like in the movies when they show guy making a speechto a whole army.
04:56And there's three guys can hear it's impossible.And the rest of like, what is what's happening?And they're all shitting.Yeah, it's like a brave heart.He's getting a speech.The only people that can hear him are like shut up.Yes.Yeah.
05:09The English are too many.The English are too many.Yes, we will.And we will live.Yeah, we will live.That's a good point.I never thought about that.Yeah, no one heard those.
05:20No one heard any of those speeches.So it was really these guys all got together.I don't know they got together.They decided to just keep doing it.I don't want to spend too much time on Washington.Yeah, Washington.I was like, I never really.I mean, the great thing he did was leaving when it was time to go.
05:36Yeah, it was like the thing because he a lot of them wantedhim to be king.Yeah.A lot of them wanted him to be permanent.He's the one who said the thing where they wanted him to be.Adams wanted him to be your Majesty or your Excellency.They went by his Excellency and he said, Mr. President.No, no, Jefferson was the first Mr. President.
05:59Yeah, but Washington wanted Mr. President.Washington went with his Excellency because Adam said this long one.His Majesty, all this shit.What?Washington kept his Excellency.According to the HBO series about John Adams.Yeah, but I looked into it.Washington said, I want Mr. President.
06:17Maybe he did, but he went by his Excellency.Therefore, the reason he did it was because he didn't want to shakepeople's hands and back then that kind of he was like Howie Mandel.Yeah, he was like, he rather just have people bow.I don't think he was a germaphobe as much as he just was like,this does command some respect because this is the first timein his life he started to get criticism.Really?
06:37Because when he was a general, everybody globally outside of England was like,this guy's the fucking president.Like to talk about that word for a second, what a president is like,just for just an overall president thought here.The why I love about presidents is there is that it's a human being.It's a person.And to me, like it's like, you know, like some college professors teachthe Bible as literature.
07:03You know what I mean?Yeah.Like they don't teach the Bible as a religious subject.They teach it as like what it's done for history and what the stories are about.And you know, that kind of thing.I look at US presidents that way.I don't have a political view about any of them.I just think they're fucking fascinating and president, the word by itself,
07:21like your president is nothing.It's not you're not a leader.You're not a ruler.You don't rule.You preside.I mean, that's literally what it means is that there's a whole group of peoplethat are running the government by the people's will and you preside.You just happen to be there.
07:42It's like in the Senate, whenever they show people in the Senate speaking,they always say, Mr. President over and over again.And they're speaking to whoever is presiding.It's never the vice president is literally the president of the Senate,but it's whoever takes the chair that day who's presiding.It's it's an incidental title given to an equal who is chosen for themfor that minute to preside.That's what I like about.
08:07That's why I like that's what I like about how they framed it.Yeah.When did they set term limits?I didn't even look into that because he just left.Right. He was the first one to go.I could stay, but I'm let's get going.Let's get this started.Yeah.
08:19There's some famous moment where he was speaking to the Congressand they were trying to get him to King himself.And he was apparently really vain about that he wore glasses.So no one ever saw him with glasses on.And so the moment that's supposed to be this shocking momentwas that he took out his glasses and put them on and he said, like,I fear I didn't see you for what you are.That was supposed to be this big moment.
08:47I like to think that if he did like he was really hoping if he missed,he's like, I fear I didn't see.And they're all like, yeah, you wear glasses.We all you know what I'm saying though?Yeah.Like he keep the whole thing on this moment.See what I'm saying?And they're like, George.
09:07Yeah, it's also a good moment for him to be like, yeah, you're right.You should not.How do you turn down King status?Funny jokes.What?How do you turn it up?Like, that's what makes him the king.And you're like, that's what makes him the man, dude.
09:17That's wild.That's what makes him.Well, also, he wasn't again.None of these people knew the future.He didn't know that he was giving away the keys to later nuclear war America.True.Yeah.He thought we were a dumb fucking like what?
09:31Yeah, these were all separate colonies.Like if Louisiana became a separate nation, the first PresidentLouisiana might be like, you guys, I'll do one turn.Yeah, I'm done.That's good.I don't need to like hang in there.All right.Adams.
09:47Okay.Adams is like my favorite of those guys.I like founding fathers.I like Adams from the show.I love them in that.He's great.Paul G.Amati.
09:57Well, I read his biography.I listen to it.I don't really as a president.Council.Oh, he was not a great president.Not at all.He chose everybody's got these different kind of strengths.He was a great framer.
10:11He was one of the guys.He he did many very important and gutsy things.And he was also the only one of those guys who was not rich.He was a poor farmer.He was his education.His made changed his life.He's like one of the first Americans who had that experience,you know, where he he was, you know, had a decent farm, but not
10:33much, but he made his brain work and he excelled and and passedthat on to his son.Who we're talking about.He fucking ruled in the revolution.Yeah.Adams was the man.Adams was the man and because these other guys fuckingBenjamin Franklin was just a giant perverted asshole.
10:52I love them.Oh, he was great.And all these guys are great.I'm not judging any of them, but he wasn't.He was of limited use because he was intrigued by America,but he didn't give a shit.Yeah.He never would have shed a fucking any blood or sweater tears
11:05for the country.He just was interested and he had a huge brain.So he'd lend it when he felt like he was also full of shit.You know, like he was supposed to he was supposedly invented electricity,but some other guy, he saw a guy in his own autobiography.What?He saw he never I just watched the can burns on him.I'm pumped on him right now.
11:24OK, so he saw a guy do the kite.What?And he was like, that's cool.And he paid the guy for like the license to the to the gag and he thenhe got one of his sons to do to go around doing it for money.It was just the thing that he he picked up other people's ideas,which is his own, you know, thing.He also all of his inventions.
11:46He would never patent really is pretty sick.He was like, all my inventions are for everybody.Yeah, he was for what do we call it?A open source open source.He did get a little jealous because all of a sudden because he was the man.Yeah, he was the American that everybody loved before any and thenWashington became the man general like the French were like the generalgeneral Washington's the guy.
12:06So he got a little he was a fame hungry.Did you ever read his autobiography?No, it's amazingbecause he has no judgment of himself.So he's the only a lot of people that write autobiographies.It's kind of careful, but like he tells the story about he was living inLondon and there was a guy who worked for him kind of like a half tradesmankind of guy who he befriended and the guy had a woman.
12:32He wanted to marry a maiden, but he didn't have a position and hedidn't have his own home yet.So and his mother didn't want I don't remember all those logistics,but it was that that he asked Benjamin if he could move his wife intohis house so that they could marry and he said sure.And he said that she moved into my home and then I I took it of my pleasureto you know, to two partake of her sexually and she you know,spurned my advances.
13:07So I threw her out and that was the end of their marriage.I never saw him again.He was real upset.I never saw him again, but I know I but the both their lives were destroyed.And then in May, I met this other guy like he just talks.He did awful things to people and didn't kind of.Yeah, he was he there's some pretty sick quotes about slavery too.That he was like I am racist.
13:32Like he was one of first, if not the only founding father to like constantlybe like the I am bigoted.Right.None of them, everyone else was like, this is the law.Everybody was like Ben.Yeah, shut up.This is it's economics.It's not it's not about race.
13:47He's like, well, it's totally about race.Yeah, they were right in the Constitution.Like, look, our hands are tied.We have we can't do anything.They had to break it out.So he was when he showed focus.He was of use to like the revolution and the same with Jefferson.Jefferson was like a depressive fucking freak.
14:03And so he was just like leave Washington.He would just go like my wife is dead, whatever, bullshit.And he would get on his horse and just leave because also he was a manof great wealth and he had his his life in Monticello and in Virginiawas we'll get to him.But the point is that Adams was just a doggedly hard working.He was he was the only one who worked constantly.Yeah.
14:29And that was really the three of them in Madison.But he was the guy who did the hardest work to get this shit started.Yeah.He also apologized for cursing.Adams in one of his things.He's like, I meant to admit that I sometimes cursed, which I feel shamefulabout also when Adams did his did the Constitution of Massachusetts.Mass the Constitution of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts is
14:54like the most liberal document in the world because Adams was like,he's like, I'm going to get it right.Everything that I couldn't get done in the American Constitution.I'm doing in this and there's stuff in there about Jews having rights.There's even something about gay people in there.Like he was into gay rights, Jews.Back then, it's pretty gay, pretty Jewish.It's gay to be a gay Jew.
15:16It's gay to be into Jews.To be into Jewish rights in the 1700s was gay.Those parliaments.Undeniably gay, undeniably gay.Back then, I don't know.What about Jews?People like, get the fuck out of here.What are you talking about, guys?
15:28Jews back then have a room full of dude and powder wigs being like, boo.And the Jews looked exactly that they looked the same as they do now.The big black coats.Exactly same outfits.Same outfit, same bed.Well, I guess what Adams did while he was in office, he was worried that hislogic was another country could just come take this at any moment.So he came up with the Alien and Sedition Act, which meant if you talk shit
15:56on the government, we can jail you.So he started arresting journalists.He started him.Well, because he got he was the first liberal who got befuddled byguys that back then it was another Democrat.It was Jefferson.Yeah, put going like whatever it takes to win.Yeah.
16:14It's always been like the different parts of American democracy, the differentkinds of people, the people who are like, we got to get this right.We got to sell our good ideas and convince people were right.But then the other guys who are like, we just got to take office.We just need to win and nerds lose that fight.Adams was the first one term nerd president.There's a few of them.Yes.
16:36You're exactly right.Bush the first is another one.He's a one term guy.He was from 97 to 01.Yeah.Let's move to Jefferson.Jefferson.He's number three.
16:45That's 01 to 09.He was a two term guy.Adams was a federalist.Washington was obviously independent.Jefferson was a Democratic Republican.He was the first Mr.President president right when he got in the French and the British startedgoing to war.
16:58So everybody in America was like, fuck England.Also, France just helped us.Yeah.Fuck England.Let's join it.And he was he was he loved the French.He loved the revolution in French.Yeah, he did.
17:08The Adams didn't because it was bloody and horrible.He didn't like the French.He didn't.And and and Jefferson loved the revolution and he loved it.All these friends over there.He spent a lot of his life there.Yeah, but they started Americans started being like, fuck England.Let's join France in the war.
17:24He was the only one with the foresight to be like, we have 40 guys in ourmilitary and three boats.Yeah.Let's shut the fuck up.It's not.So he declared neutrality and everybody called him a pussy.Then England started blocking his like fucking ships.I think he didn't he might have been the one who said, we're just not going
17:43to trade with either of them.So then our economy, the American economy just plummeted.England started just saying, if you're not trading with us, we're justgoing to confiscate your ships, steal, kidnap all the sailors, make themjoin the British Navy.So he's getting punked by England.You're talking about Jefferson.Jefferson.
18:01Well, it's interesting because Adams ended his presidency was afake rumor that Jefferson started that Adams was trying to start a warwith the and start a Navy and do the study and he was all fake.But then it ended up kind of haunting Jefferson because the truthof about all that ended up fucking him a lot.I one thing interesting about Jefferson is because he's so famous forhaving had a slave and having had like 50,000 slaves or whatever that notthat many and having had children with his slave.
18:34And I don't think he ever even gave him freedom, didn't free.He didn't free the kids.He didn't free a couple.He freed a couple.He freed two.Yeah.And the rest he kept enslaved until he died.And what was interesting about them.
18:45Tammy did the ultimate because I said so.Is so.Can I stop being a slave?He's like, no.I said, no.They were like white.Really?His slave children.
18:57The woman he had, the woman that he had kids with Sally was like halfwhite or like was very light skinned.Yeah, I think her mother because her mother was in his family for a longtime and his dad was fucking that.Yes.I mean, it was like, but she was kind of a product of his father.I'm not sure about that.I'm not sure about that.
19:16But it's something about him in terms of slavery and American politicsis that his first elected position was in the Virginia legislator.He was like a house or reps guy in Virginia.And the very first act he ever did.First thing he ever did as a as a politician was to propose a bill inthe Virginia government to abolish slavery in the state of Virginia.It's the first thing he did.Well, of course, it got shot down, but it was his.
19:51It was his desire in his dream.Yeah, because he was big on that with the French Revolution.Yes.And the whole yeah.Yes.And all of these guys, all of these early guys wanted slavery out,but there was no way the South was going to do it.Yeah.
20:08And they wanted the Southern because so the choice was to have like justtwo countries or four countries over here or have a unified countryand just deal with it.Yeah.We're going to have slavery but create a framework.Yeah.Where in the future, when it becomes possible, when things change,when things get more modern, we can we can get rid of it in the future.
20:31And I could be wrong, but I think the North had abolished slavery early,like 1806, which is while Jefferson's in office.I could be wrong.I don't know.It was around the exact same time as England.In fact, maybe before the north, we were right.Us northerners.We got it right.
20:48A fun Jefferson story that I like is that when he was in Paris,he had this woman, a girlfriend named caught something causeway or something.His wife died when he was pretty young and she made him promise on her death bedthat he would never have another woman, which is a horrible thing to do.Yeah, fuck.To a young man that you're fucking.Yeah, it's like not even somebody to take help.Take care of the kids they had.
21:10No, I promise.Yeah.And oh, for sure.So it was part of the reason that all of including Sally Hemings that his loveswere all secret because he was ashamed of every woman that he loved after that.That's hot.And so there was a woman in Paris.She was a British painter and her husband.
21:29She was a woman.She was married, but she was a painter and she fell in love with Thomas Jeffersonand they were very much in love with each other.But then the way they broke up was very funny to me because he was in wroteher these beautiful letters.She was in love with him.He was in love with her.But then the French when he was leaving France, they wanted a great portrait
21:49of him to put in the National Gallery and they said to him,you can choose any painter in the world.And he was like, no, I want, you know, a real guy.His girlfriend was like, why not me?And he's like, baby, come on.I mean, you're good.You're good, but you're not like fucking grown man.You're not like fucking.
22:08I'm not for history.True.These guys were his.That's the weirdest thing.How history might they were like knowing they were going to get in the history,which is crazy to think about.So here's a good one because we got speed up.Yeah.
22:18Yeah.So he goes over.So Napoleon's in there in France post revolution.This is the this is the Louisiana purchase.They sent James Monroe over.That was his bro.He goes to France.They thought they were negotiating the sale of just the port of New Orleans.
22:36This is all thanks in part to the fucking Haitian Revolution, which fucked France.Look into the Haitian Revolution.It rules.He gets over there.Monroe finds out.Oh, they're trying to sell all of the Louisiana.Like it's from it's from New Orleans to the Rockies to Canada.It's huge from the Appalachians to the Rockies, basically.
22:57And they didn't have time to consult Congress.So Thomas Jefferson just bought it on the spot, which he was like,I abused the fuck out of my power.And he was that was his whole thing is government should have no power.Yeah, he was against any.Well, that's what Jefferson's whole life was like doing fucked up thingsand then saying nobody should be like slavery.It's like people that need to stop having it's like he's fucking a slave.
23:21And it's like somebody stopped this.We got to stop this.Yeah, somebody's got to stop this.Somebody's got to stop fucking these things.Yeah.Well, the we should be me six.But I need to fuck this one right now.Those arguments must have been crazy.
23:33All right.The but yeah, that was big because that secured the southern port.And I mean, and Monroe was Secretary of State Monroe.Yeah.And then wasn't he the?No, Madison Madison is usually the Secretary of State would end up beingpresident president vice president at this point.Although who was it was Jefferson Adams.
23:54Jefferson was Adams's vice president.Yeah.So that's three straight or two straight vice presidents.Then we got James Madison.He was a dork.Yes, he was a huge dork.He was a nerd.A frail nervous thinker.
24:07What?He was garbage.Really?He but this is sick.So basically had the first they said his lady was the firstfirst lady, Dolly Madison.That was like really like they would have parties at the White House.They would like try to get it also.
24:22He was Jefferson's meant to.He was another guy like Adams, who was there all the time.Yeah.He was like a worker.He kept shit going and he would write Jefferson and say in France and go,can you fucking come home and be president?And Jefferson right back and go, I am just enjoying Paris.And I don't want to do it.
24:42And then he would float in and just take the fucking big job.And yeah, Madison gets four years and people like, dude, you're boring.No.America has never liked.Madison gets to.Don't touch.Don't touch me.Don't ever put your fucking hands on.
24:57I can't touch your shoes out of respect.Fucking hands on me.I'm going to grip you up.God damn.Hold on.So Jefferson's Jefferson was shut the fuck up guys.Shut up guys.Sean, don't look at me.
25:13So Madison takes some of the flat because everybody was calling Jefferson a pussyfor not fighting England.So he's like, you know what, fuck it, let's do it.What?So America just declares war on England.He nerd raged.He nerd raged on England.England immediately marches down and burns Washington DC down.
25:31They burnt the White House immediately.He spaz cried.But yeah, he spaz cried.She's like, nobody's going to call me gay.But then everybody always acts like we lost 1812 just because they burned thatshitty White House.Yeah.So first off, Washington DC was a swamp.
25:47It was literally a swamp.It was a shit hole.No one lived there.War of 1812.We fucked England up.Fort McHenry.Star Spangled Banner.All that shit.
25:58Battle of New Orleans.We smashed them.Battle of New Orleans was, what's his name?Jackson Jackson.Yeah.And Jackson, they were fighting the Battle of New Orleans.The war had been already over for a while.Oh really?
26:07Yeah, the war was already settled.The treaty was signed.It was in January of 1815.And he was still fighting.Yeah.When you get to Jackson, he's fucking incredible.So Trump, he was the first Trump.Yep.
26:21First.So all of a sudden America, that's our first war as a country.Yeah.So now America is not just college.Because England was just taking potshots.England would just park a ship outside of like a, you know, a Baltimoreor whatever to start heaving fucking fireballs for no reason.You know Hudson, New York, it's a town of the Hudson.
26:44It has a weird maritime feeling to it.It looks like Nantucket.And that's because it's all people from Nantucket.Used to be this little whaling village in Nantucket.And in the 1810s, the British would just park a ship and just sethouses on fire for fucking fun.What?So all the people that lived in that town found a, they founded Hudson
27:06and they would go out and whale in the ocean and then they drag a whaleup the Hudson River.Holy shit.And they would slaughter it and then send it down the river.It was a great way to send whale meat and oil down to here, New York City.And that established a hub in New York, an upper New York state.Hudson became a very big important.And that's where you never heard of a guy named Leggs Diamond
27:29because Diamond Diamond Street was like the first horror street.It sounded like Hudson became a place for farmers.To bring their herds and get laid and get, you know, just fuck and gambleand and have their animals slaughtered and brought down here on boats.And then they go home paid.Damn.Yeah.Anyway, so that's what was going on.
27:51That's how much things like just the English, one English ship,lobbing fireballs changes a ton of things.And they finally needed it to stop resulting in some guy getting ahead.I'm never going to be able to face me.Wife, my wife.So OK.So yeah.So now you were kind of unified.
28:10That was the first time Madison.The Madison War of 1812.It was a draw.I mean, they signed a treaty after two years and nothing changed though.Nothing.The English stopped harassing us.Yeah, but we declared war.They came over.
28:23Yeah, we kind of fucked them up though.I looked at the casualty numbers.It was like double.That doesn't matter.No, his stroke or of course, of course, but I always everybody alwaysacts like because they got over here and they all died of disease.Kind of immediately got fucked up.It was hard and they were like this.
28:38We can't afford to fight this while we're fighting the French truce.That brings us to Monroe.Monroe was kind of the main Monroe is the last founding father to be apresident fought in the Revolutionary War was at Valley Forge.He came up with the Monroe doctrine, which is neutrality.We got the Americas.Nobody fuck with us because they were all worried Europe was going to Spainor Europe was going to come back and take it.
29:00Well, that was all the sorts of all our problems was these other fuckingEuropean countries being involved in their wars.So he was the first guy to go.Yeah, we're never going to get involved in their war.Yeah, yeah.Yeah.And that's that's kind of what they were saying was that's like the mostlasting policies of any of the founding fathers was like American
29:17neutrality Europe.You can have your wars.We're staying the fuck out.Obviously lasted 100 years.Added Florida Monroe got Florida from the Spanish.Nice.So the reason that happened though was because of Jackson because Jacksonwas taking his troops to Florida and Monroe was sending a guy on a horse or
29:37what?I don't know if they had telegram yet, but it was take them eight days tosay leave Florida alone.We're trying to negotiate a price.But finally Monroe decided we don't want to Florida anymore.They're asking his the Spanish on it that we can't afford to buy it.I can't justify it.I'm not going to get it through Congress and Jackson was writing back and
29:58saying, I'm just going to take it.I'm just going to take it militarily.I'm going to attack them and Monroe said, No, you may not.I'm the president.You may not do that.And Jackson just ignored him and he did it.He took Florida and then he showed up in DC and was like, right?That was good, right?
30:20And Monroe's like, Yes, thank you very much.Yeah.He's like, but also I bought it.Good job.Yeah.Also, I think we paid for it.We paid for it.And it was a while.
30:28Jackson was while Jackson was like fucking with them.The Spanish were like to Monroe.They're like, Yeah, you can buy it.He's going to kill them.He was down fighting them.And he was like, Yeah, actually, you know what?Yeah, we're going to sell it.There's two generals that did that.
30:40Him and MacArthur did that too.Just did shit without permission.Yeah.And then showed up and said, right, Mr.President, wasn't that playing along?Because I guess it was the plan on whatever you want.Whatever you got that.But this is interesting because Monroe was the first part that
30:54this is where the slavery issue starts to take real issuebecause it was the Missouri compromise.So Missouri was becoming a state.It was another slave state pro slavery.Yeah.So every just every time they added a slave state, they'dhave to add a free slave free one to make sure it was balanced.Yeah.
31:11So that's when we added Maine.Missouri got to be a slave state.That's it for him.John Quincy Adams.Yeah.So John Quincy Adams was Secretary of State.John Quincy Adams had a big role in the in the in Florida.Yeah.
31:28And he had a big role in that compromise that was a big party.He was a statesman.John Quincy Adams fucking fascinating guy.I read his biography.The thing about him and his father is that they wrote copiousreally long diary entries.So we know a lot about those guys.But he was he traveled with his father to England.
31:48He's like he was like the last link to the Great Revolution.Yeah.Because he was with his father wherever he went and he tookhim to France.He ended up being a diplomat.He was the first American ambassador to Russia.He lived in St.Petersburg Russia and him and it was he the one who helped them
32:07kind of revolutionize.I don't know was that before that.Okay.But he was in Russia way way back then he'd take like a sleighto to you know countries that aren't there anymore likeRussia and he was he traveled all over.He traveled more than any like human being back then he wentacross the ocean several times.
32:27So like something like 12 times back and forth.Now he's an amazing guy.His is a good guy.His opponent was Jackson in this election.Yeah.Jackson dominated one.He won the popular vote by a greater margin than Reagan beatCarter.
32:43It was a landslide victory for him.But Jackson in the Battle of New Orleans came out and saidall the guys from Kentucky were being fucking cowards.So then when it comes to the Electoral College the guycounting the votes happened to be like a senator or somethingfrom Kentucky.What I was like fuck this guy and he just swung like 10 statesbecause back then back then the Electoral College made perfect
33:08sense.Nobody in any state had ever heard of one of these guys.There was no news.There was no fucking anything.Now you needed somebody.Yeah.You needed super delegates.You needed to just get your local guy.
33:18Yeah.And be like you go you go figure it out.Yes.Yeah.But that was enough for this guy to swing all these dudes inthe meetings to be like Jackson to fucking dickhead.We need John Quincy Adams.So he swung.
33:31I mean it was another nerd one term nerd.Yes.Who just couldn't get.I mean as a president he couldn't get and he got almost nothingdone partly because Jackson and his people just thwartedevery single thing he tried.The whole country loved Jackson.Everybody fucking loved that dude so much.
33:50He was Trump.He was Trump.He imagine if Trump like dueled as much as Jesus.Jackson died with something like 12 bullets in his body.What that never left his body.He dueled all the time.Yes.Just go straight to Jack Jackson.
34:06He's the next.Wait just he can't not be mentioned.John Quincy.You have a fuck John Quincy Adams.Well after his presidency he was in Congress forever fromMassachusetts.He died at his seat in Congress.He died in at his desk.
34:23He was made because his thing he was a huge abolitionist.He was like the only guy in the Congress willing to be anout and out.The slave states had so much power that they passed a law agag law that said you can't say the word slavery in Congress.It used to be there was a thing in Congress back then calledpetitioning.Anyone could send a petition to their Congress person and
34:45they had to say they had to mention it.So like you could send a thing to Congress saying I want allyou know I want retards to be allowed to drive whatever youwould want retarded people to have drivers license.Yes.And he would say he'd have to go OK the petition from ShaneGillis he wants retards to drive the honorable and everyonewould go I moved to table it and then they just table it.
35:11But they passed the law saying you couldn't even you couldn'teven mention the petition that said the word slavery becausethat's how electrified that it was like we don't want anybodywe know you're trying to get rid of slavery.We don't even want you to say they passed it.So John Quincy Adams would do it and he would just break thelaw and he would just say over and over again he would readpetitions about slavery and he would get sent then they would
35:35all vote the whole Congress to censure him for going againstthe rules and he got censured over and over again and hehe represented the Amistad slaves and got them.Oh shit.Yet it's no.Yeah he's the slave ship that was taken over by slaves andwas grounded in Massachusetts I think.So you're saying the S word you got in trouble.
35:58Yeah he got not only in trouble they came those slaves askedhim to represent that he was their lawyer because they wereall they were Virginia slave masters who were waiting fortheir Haitian slaves that they were waiting for that they hadpaid for but he found a way just with it wasn't like a slaveryis wrong trial it was you guys don't have a receipt trial itwas like you ain't got the paperwork go fuck yourselves sothere's so they were free but but yeah he died he was in the
36:25middle of a big impassioned argument he was yelling andhe had a heart attack and he died right there with the wholeCongress around him watching because they loved people lovedthat guy he was a great guy he was the first president orformer president to write on a steamship and he's to writeon the steamships with a blanket over him and folks wouldsurround him all the passengers would surround him and justhe would just tell stories is a great guy.
36:50Yeah that's pretty cool man.I know I know there's just a part of me that liked JacksonJackson's great but I mean I mean to me I'm I read I look atall these guys I evaluate them as characters they're all greatamazing care they all did awful things of course.Yeah but I mean Obama fucking bombed you know fuckingweddings Obama Obama but but but yes Jackson was a crazybut shrewd a great thing about Jackson was that his party
37:23is an inaugural party in the White House.Yeah this is wild they they stormed the cap he invitedeverybody that's exactly right they still invited everyoneand he said anyone that wants can come.No no invitation needed it's the people's house and the housewas crammed with common people getting drunk stealing shitdestroyed and they wouldn't leave and there's a there's ahonor code in the White House you don't ask someone to leave
37:50you don't ever throw anybody out so they couldn't get themlike days went by where people are shitting on the floor andgrating the fucking pantry and just fucking people andwhatever what and so what they did was they got huge kegs ofbeer and they put them on the lawn and they said hey come outlet's let's drink under the stars let's have you know andthey invited them out for beer on the lawn and they all cameoutside and they locked locked doors that was how he he was
38:21a he was a people's president.Yeah like there was a populist in his first yeah first oneto appeal to the common person there was an author of Englishguy I read his biography of him and they have one account ofan English traveling writer who write travel logs and he wasin Washington and he thought was it like can you meet thepresident and he just why there wasn't a fence around peoplejust could walk in and so he just walked to the front door
38:49and he knocked on the door and a butler came to the door andsaid hello and he said I'd like to meet the president is likeis he expecting you goes no and the butler is like all rightwe'll come in and sit down and he went in the guy waited like20 minutes and Jackson came out of his office which was likefull of people and he said I'm gonna pretty important likewho are you yeah and he said I just wanted to meet you andsay hi and he was like alright can you wait an hour and he's
39:16like sure so he went whatever fucking signed a thing to killall the Indians and then he came and had sandwiches broughtand he sat with the guy and just talked to him for an hourthere damn he also went he was the first president I thinkto write on a on a real like on a train he took a train hewas the first one to do this that he went all over thecountry yeah he went came up to he went up to Maine presidentsnever travel he was the first guy to do that like he thought
39:45people should see the president people should have contactwell with the president the trail of tears he he flubbedthat one yeah flubbed he nailed a bit of a play he did doexactly what his goal he tried to do fucking flubbed that wasa bit of a flow no he was not he didn't make mistakes I lookedit up I don't know if they had slaves it's yeah the fuckingdudes on the trail of tears they were like we got to bring ourslaves if slaves are available folks get slaves that's just
40:14the way that goes I couldn't believe it but when when he waspeaceful man yeah that's what the part you don't hear is likethe Indians like you know what he did to us and what he did toour slaves yeah our slaves had a real bad on the trail oftears tell me about it didn't they like share everything withtheir slaves though yeah they were way better real peacefulit was a Gallatin there was no good slave owners he thenatives there is some story from the some chief big chief went
40:39to the White House to meet with the Jackson because Jacksonwas very honest yeah in underhand ever he didn't playpolitics he did horrible things but he just went ahead and didhim like there was a slave revolt during his presidencywhere they took over a fort the slaves took over a fort andjust said we just went out we just want to be taken to thenorth or Canada or whatever and so he just got a bunch ofcannons and just he just lit the whole place up on the he
41:06didn't fucking care so some famous like a name you recognizeI wasn't like sitting bull but it was some big all of theIndians the tribes all the tribes chose this guy yeah tonegotiate with Jackson and he went and talked to Jackson justthe two of them and he came out crying and so we're not we'rein trouble we're not he this is going to go bad oh it's goingto go bad no no he was he just had his way of thinking abouthow it was going to go he's like no we got to clear these
41:39guys out of here also in line with Trump he was like this iswhere the term mud slinging starts yeah it was him andJohn Quincy their election or their debates and shit was hewould just talk they would talk shit they would be nasty rumorsin the paper whatever it took yeah whatever it took no Iremember I have a friend who's a Trump guy who I've known fora long time I'm not going to say that his name is NickDePaolo knowing Nick has always given me some insight into
42:06the into the mentality of that kind of guy not just Trumpbut guys like Jackson I remember once I was with Nick and alot of people and he was like three Democrats were yellingat him and he was starting to say crazy fucked up things tothem and at one point I'm like Nick you even you know that'swrong and he goes it's three against one like he's and Iand it gave me that I and then brought me back to when I waslike nineteen and I was friends with Nick and we were
42:39comedians in Boston and there was a a pinball machine wereally like playing at this one club so we're playing pinballagainst each other and when it was my turn I was starting tobeat his score and he just put his hand over my hand so Icouldn't flip and he just looked at me like this and I'mlike really he goes yeah I win I win I don't care butJackson was yes Jackson was the first yeah he was a footballplayer yeah college football player Jackson was the first
43:09president to go like fuck you I'm I'm winning I'm winning thisI don't care what happens to you we're gonna we're gonna youknow so he also one of the big things with Jackson he wasthat he vetoed more bills than every president before himcombined nice he hated the banks he he like went to warit's crazy he's on the 20 yeah it's like a joke because hehated the idea of a central bank he hated the idea of atreasury he thought that it should just be folks have their
43:36money use gold and you trade and he wanted so I think the USBank at the time I think it was called the United States likethe Bank of the United States was up for re to be renewed andhe just happened to be the president and he vetoed ityeah and it was a thing you don't veto it can't veto itno he vetoed it so then the next guy will get to him is hisvice president Van Buren he takes over he takes over acompletely destroyed economy because he vetoed the bank
44:03that's the that's the way it goes yeah the cool guy yeahAmerica is made of cowboys and nerds so you got cowboys whoshow off and who show what kind of people we are then you havenerds who actually get things done but the cowboys get thecredit yeah then the nerds get fucked every got fucked hisnickname was Van Ruins. Yes he had a lot of nicknames oldKinderhoek he was another total nerd and everybody hatedVan Buren he was like a little fucking yeah he was supposed to
44:32be I think he was one of those vice presidents that was supposedto be a link like because Jackson was the man in the southkind of or wherever and they were like let's get this dorkto he's from. New York here's his pants yeah yeah. He was thelegend is that you know he was one of the first people to havepamphlets like a lot of pamphlets like the press likethe mass press started to get big so his pamphlet was becausehe was called old Kinderhoek because he's from Kinderhoek
45:03New York so his thing was okay and it was a check mark niceand that's where people say that okay comes from what yeahbecause it was like his thing was okay with a check mark thatwas the point it was like vote for old Kinderhoek. That's thething that's the thing when you look in this that's where allof our shit comes from yeah that's all of this. All rightwell you got to speed up because this one's funny Van Burensucked whatever yeah he's here comes Harrison he's the next
45:29guy everybody called him old granny because he was too muchof a geezer to run so on his inauguration he was like I'mgoing to prove to everyone how tough I am yeah it was freezingcold and raining he had like an eight thousand word inaugurationyeah he got it pneumonia died he died he was like a few monthshe died immediately like shortest term shortest term never hadit didn't have a minute of acting as trying to prove he wastough got sick the first day died immediately and died a few
45:58months later what yeah G that brings us to Tyler he didnothing Tyler was his party abandoned him no Taylor he wasHarrison's vice president so Harrison dies the one thing hedid do is set the precedent that the vice president staysas president nice so everyone was like what we don't know whatto do here the presidents never died do you take over as aninterim guy until we find a new guy and he was like no I'mjust the president and enough that his party hated him for
46:29that so they were they his own party abandoned him they didn'tput him up for reelection because they thought theywanted to choose another guy they wanted to be able to putanother guy yeah so he stayed he had no parties supported himhe got nothing done he was never up for reelection againit must have been awkward that brings us to our guy thoughthis is who I wanted to get to poke dude turns out polks themain really yeah I know nothing about no he was one term
46:53because he was a dark horse out of nowhere and he promisedeverybody in his party I'll only do one term that way some ofyou guys that are good that are getting ready you can takeover I promise to do one term when he was running his opponentslogan was who is James K. Polk like people are talkingshit soon as he got in all this is good he was a tiny guywho's five eight which was like that's really small yeahhe was five eight and when he got in his wife was the one who
47:20came up with they got to play hail to the chief every timeyou come in a room to give you some respect give him a littleyeah yeah so that's why that happens so right away Polkstarts going it was kind of a joke it's like if a midgetwalked in no polks a beast immediately he starts fuckingwith the British about organ so they have the organ territoryyeah out there which is just beaver hunting everybody'syeah beaver hunting we're doing a little bit of that in
47:49Nash Vegas I mean about pussies hunting an organ for theywere they were in Oregon Oregon pussy hunting so the Britishwere pussy hunting the British and Americans were both pussyhunting on the same territory and Polk was like nah we're donewith that and he said allegedly the latitude and latitude was54 and 40 so he came out the slogan 54 and 40 or fight yousaying that to the British he was like we're gonna fuckingguys up true it came out but that's and the British people
48:21were really into it love attitudes and longitude they werethen so he called that and the British were afraid to callhis bluff they were just like fine take it like that slogan isso good this guy's to not you came up with the fucking youuse the longitude latitude so he takes that territory whichis huge and then it's not just Oregon's Washington all thatyou know how wide Oregon is Portland is called Portland Ibet you I do it was do you know it's not it was gonna be
48:49Boston what cuz these two guys is it Lewis and Clark thatyeah so one of them is Jefferson one of them is fromBoston and one of them is from Portland main and they bothwant to name it after their hometown and they flipped thecoin and named it Portland and there is a Boston in Oregonthere's a town called Boston already anyway go on so afterhe gets Oregon yeah he's he's a guy it's time for me to getTexas he starts fucking with the Mexicans like so they would
49:17send troops down just to see if the Mexicans would shootfirst finally they did he immediately Mexicans it finallythey shot so many times to get off their fucking free ladiesand fire a shot so they they go to war they kind of likeyeah I don't want to fire 70,000 troops poured in oh nothat we immediately took California Arizona New MexicoUtah Texas and then who was the general who was the generalthat penetrated all the way to Mexico City that this later
49:52right this was the next guy who was Zachary Taylor yeah ZacharyTaylor was a big Mexican American warrior he was the warriorwhat Zachary Taylor was dominating together he went intoMexico City and the and if you go to in Mexico City the bigthing is Los Niños these six I think it's four six kids sothey stormed they went all the way to Mexico City and theCitadel the the Chapultepec the palace the army was sodecimated that it was finally just the cadets of the military
50:26school were the only ones defending the Capitol and theywere there were just four kids firing on the American Armyis just coming and they finally they wrapped themselves inMexican flags and jumped and dove and killed themselves thatwas how they end this war and the moment is Zachary Tayloris holding one of them and he's saying they were just kidsI get no idea they were they are like fucking 1215 years oldman and in in Chapultepec there's four big pillars that are
50:58still they're like war heroes that's pretty awesome yeahwhat did Mexico have back then like it was it like a king orlike they well they had in Mexico so the what was going onall these years Napoleon assumed that the south would winthe Civil War eventually that the south that there would beEurope always bet bet on the south because the south waswas a aristocratic America it was about plantations and oldfamilies and that's a European and they loved Europe in the
51:32south the north was always against Europe and wantingto start something new so during the Civil War so Maximilienwas just a Hapsburg but the way Kings worked back then therewere some royalty factories so the Hapsburg family who I thinkwere like Flemish or whatever the fuck they just had likesomebody a cousin of a king they went Maximilien and his wifethey're like you guys take Mexico you're so Napoleon sentFrench troops to Mexico and in installed Max Maximilien but
52:04then those would send you to my house yes and then so thenthem the the Mexicans finally over because when we lost theCivil War when the when we lost the Civil War what made me saythat no when the when the south lost the Civil War Napoleonwas like I fuck this well Napoleon was gone for whoever theFrench pulled their pulled their well there was like threeto pull oh true I think it was a later to pull in yes pulledsupport yeah and Maximilien they beheaded him fuck they fed
52:42peyote to his wife and center home and there's some littlevillage somewhere in like the Netherlands where they tell youlike she's gonna come get you cuz she would run the streetsshe went insane she would run the streets screaming and theytell kids if you don't get to sleep cuz she comes out atnight you don't go to sleep she's gonna she's gonna come getyou that's how far that's how far in Mexico I'm sorry toderail you but so Zachary so you were still at poke and then
53:09but still so one thing that was cool was when Polk wasinstigating this war with Mexico you got to cut that partwhere I say we lost now that's not that I don't know whatyou corrected it immediately this is pretty sick so Polk wasup there like they're fucking with us they they shot at ourtroops and I saw an old one term senator from Illinois at thetime stood up and said were we on their territory when weshot him there's one guy that was opposed to the Mexican
53:35American War guy by the name of Abraham really Abraham Lincolnpeople like hey shut up pussy yeah dude we're trying to takeTexas yeah you guys were we like yeah he's like sorry I thinkthis was wrong anyway that's why Polk's kind of man he headded one third of the entire United States in a four yearterm pretty good on territory I know but still still like thosebig big got Texas and California and they're really half ourpopulation they're sitting I wish he hadn't added them especially
54:06Texas but again Mexico fuckagain that was a smashing we America destroyed Mexico was meanit was mean then this is good Polk he was working his tail offhis tail he was tired he got he was he was so exhausted when hegot done he went back to Tennessee and just died like rightaway right yeah yeah he was like that was too much I shouldhave done a lot of work yep just died so then comes ZacharyTaylor this is 1849 to 1850 that's a quick term old rough and
54:52ready yeah pretty sick Nick old dead and yeah he's about to bedead yeah he died I don't know what he died of he was a justbeing in the 1800s yeah he was one of the largest slave holdersin the south so when he got elected the south was like nicebecause at this point the territories he just added Polkdid all that in four years which was sick but it also it wastoo much because now there's so much territory and the slavesversus the abolitionist debate every state they had to add
55:21there was a debate there's a debatey all Southern presenceso many Southern presidents yeah I mean outside of the Adamsis pretty much nonstop Virginia yep and then it gets into likeTennessee and they started digging into their their bench wasnot good enough and then we started kind of with Ohio westarted coming back yeah actually kind of northern presidentstended to suck Lincoln ruled yeah but he was well he wasKentucky Illinois yeah Illinois before killing which I
55:52always forget one I think he I think he was born in Kentuckyin a log cabin in Kentucky and then he was then he was inIllinois yeah who fucking knows there's no way to know weweren't right about ever no we were never correct about halfthese facts but we're having fun oh yeah I I could be I'm justI love just acting like I know it's great so one thing Taylorgets in there everybody's like nice everybody in the southlike nice this guy's pro slavery he gets any tends to start
56:19actually leaning towards standing with the north this is allleading to the Civil War because like guys like this startfucking this up as soon as he says we're going to establishor abolish slave in the Western territories South Carolinasays they're going to succeed Taylor says he's going tofucking hang everybody down there if they do it what yeah hedidn't react well yeah no he wasn't like let's talk and sendit every area fucking you just say that and then they're like
56:47are you and he's like well no but I'm gonna hang a lot withtough talk yeah this is this is how he died we went this ishis first term podcast about go ahead how did he die he wentto Washington D.C. for Independence Day and he ate toomany cherries and milk what because like I said it was aswamp so there was like a collar like the old pop rocks andcoke yeah he had cherries and frosted milk and he explodedit was been by the way you know how many there were four
57:22presidents were you think about the fact that four of themwere assassinated yeah four well successfully yeah I see fourwere killed yeah shot and killed yeah we're out of 40 there'sbeen 47 presidents 10% wait hold on how many got shot andkilled it was I don't think they got shot and killed yeah fourwere shot and killed Garfield this is where I stopped a guywith a G grow you'd see the Grover Cleveland or Garfieldone of those two was shot and killed yeah McKinley shot and
57:50killed JFK and Lincoln nice for shot and killed Reagan fuckingclose badly shot yeah Roosevelt Teddy shot in the chest bullbut had a speech a thick piece of paper with his speech andfinish the speech did yep finish the speech shot was likeand somebody shot at at at Jack Andrew Jackson yeah you getand he had a cane and he beat the guy the shit out of the guyalmost beat him to death the guy shot shot him and he just getthe fuck goes right outside the the Capitol what like by the
58:29big pillars or whatever yeah and he just beat the fucking shithe was insane were they all crazed lone gunman type thingsor is it like yeah most of them were crazy people there's a fewother guys that were shot at that somebody took shots at themand but that they didn't get her what's his name well FDRthey killed the governor right who's sitting next to somebodya spray of bullets and he wasn't hurt but the governor sittingnext to him was killed Jesus governor of Georgia or Florida
59:00I don't fucking know anyway go on but yeah like over 10 perlike 12% of them had been shot have been shot yeah so it's anintense job it's a good chance it is like a higher rate thanactual soldiers in war yeah well I don't know it's probably Iguess so I bet it is it's fucked up yeah cuz in likeregular like revolutions it's like 70,000 soldiers 2000 deadwhat's crazy like that before it used to be like when you knowyou like what's his name Alexander the Great and whoever
59:31some Kings used to lead heads of state used to lead chargesbe the front horse like going right headlong into an armyit'd be nice to be a Roman Roman guys did that and yeah yeahfucking God holy shit he's coming right at me he's comingso now we're at Fillmore the thing that sucks about fuckingTaylor dying is he was like kind of a beast that could havemaybe prevented the Civil War that's looming and then Fillmorewas it just a schlub Fillmore was a schlub he signed this is
01:00:08where it all starts to fuck up every single one of these guysup to Lincoln is just fucking up immensely he wanted to signand pass in the buck so Taylor was offered to sign thecompromise of 1850 which was some shit about one slave stateone regular or they get to decide shit like that as soon asfucking Taylor died Fillmore takes over and signs itsoutherners were mad that California would join as a freestate northerners were mad about the fugitive slave law so
01:00:36they both compromise and we're both pissed fugitive slave lawwas if you can if you find a slave in the north there's usmarshals that'll catch them and bring them back to the southyou have to help them get them back and there were dudes thatwere just like grabbing black people got him where's my bountyso it was a slave guy got taken oh shit is it yeah he wasn'tthat he was a free northernerwho was kidnapped by one of those guys was bad happened all
01:01:03the time he was the last member of the wig party they didn'trun him a second term here comes Franklin Piercehe was a pals with Jackson son of a revolutionary war herohe's from the north but he was pro slavery they thought thiswas going to worktwo months before the this is crazy two months before hisinauguration he and his family were in a train crash and theonly casualty was his 11 year old son so his entire time in
01:01:25office he's blacked out drunk and depressedhe's the saddest guy of all time he's not listening his kidjust died his wife blamed him for the death constantly shewas like we should have never been on that train you just hadto be the fucking president you gave birth to him bitchyou're on the train you were you had fun yeah dude fuckso he's there during Pierce they do the transcontinentalrailroad this is this is like the real this is a fuck up for
01:01:53the the north wants it to be from Chicago to LAor one of those places ls the south wants it to be fromAtlanta to LA in order to get it done they have to get rid ofthe Missouri line compromise which made itnothing's north or south of here was the slave linethey decided to make it so every new territory got to decidethemselves they got to vote in order to get the transcontinentalrailroad
01:02:17so this open every single thing we did to build this nationran into this slave problem yes every single thing we triedto do was like yeah but the fucking north south slave fuckingslave states non slave states we need to build a railroadacross that's the first interstate yes thing the firstinterstate objective yeah it's the first thing that is thefirst thing that need you need a federal governments why westart the federal government got stronger and stronger because
01:02:41every state gets to do their own thing but you want to take afucking train from one to the other you guys these two stateshave to make a compromise so you needed a federal governmentto make these it was like the precursor to union non-unionthey just blow yeah yeah like flammable yeah yeah yeah yeahit's and it's the other reason just to just a general thingthat the federal government became what gave the federalgovernment power was the state's wanting parity with each
01:03:07other like when environmental laws became a thing they werestate laws so like Indiana would make a law you can't dumpyou know sludge into the river anymore so every company inIndiana has to pay extra to do a better job of dumping theirshit and take it to the ocean or somewhere else ruin somebodyelse's life yeah but so next door to Indiana is Illinoisthey're like we dump we go and we dump anything we want andso all the business goes there and so the the Indiana the
01:03:39Illinois companies like we don't want to dump we don't wantto hurt the environment but we can't compete with theseguys yeah right so they would go the so they all the stateswould go to the Fed and say please pass a law that affectseverybody so that we can all do the right thing that wewant to do without having to get squeezed out by this guyyeah and that worked until we started doing shit with Mexicoand India and China but anyway go yeah it's it was it was
01:04:08interesting to me we're at I think Pierce on the on theTranscontinental Road yeah that turns out to be like that'swhat started I mean obviously there's a ton of majorfactors but that was like a big one because it opened whatwas called the Nebraska Kansas Act which is they got to decideto vote whether they were pro slave or pro abolition so thena bunch of people just rushed in from the from the northsouth and they started fucking killing each other what it was
01:04:34the it was I forget the names they were pretty sick it waslike the Free Staters versus the border ruffians this is whereJohn Brown and his son was out there oh yeah yeah they startedhacking people with swords to death like that was that wasthat was it and Franklin Pierce was like he did nothing hedidn't get involved yeah it must have been crazy when you hada bunch of slaves like this is wrong you had to be like nohuh no it's been crazy to be like no I don't think it is
01:05:01why you just would pretend not to or you just wouldn't I meanyou'd see it on the newspaper was faded yeah I don't know thatmuch about it just not being able to go down to my slaves Itreat him okay they're great yeah right tell him oh yeah he'sgreat all right he was it yeah no it's fine no and meanwhilethe north was starting to get I mean it's getting after Pierceis who Buchanan so Buchanan is the guy who Lincoln who rightbefore Lincoln yes right because the other thing that was
01:05:31going on is the north is industrializing and the northis starting to build sweat houses and factories and so partof the argument that people were having that is like the kindof argument we would have now if it would be interesting totake this culture with Twitter and everything and supplantedto slavery days and how we would have handled that debateback through because there were people that were saying youknow the north has free workers and a ton of them immigrants
01:05:59that had started and they're treated like garbage they'reliving like shit and there's dying in large numbers andgetting sick uneducated not and being not allowed to beeducated kids are working heavy ton of southern southernpolitical cartoons that are like that that are about how badthey weren't like our family we we give them their own housewith their plot of land they get to do this and that we youknow most slave owners were this were better that this is the
01:06:26argument and that the north was just like wholesale destroyinglives yeah and you know read what's his name fucking up toSinclair the one she was going on in Chicago and the slaughterhouse meets what's it called it's a they're not the meatpacking shit right yeah jungle what's it called the jungleyeah yeah so another important thing about that that point ofthe industrialization of the north it just flooded withimmigrants so now their population is so big that they get
01:06:57more votes they get more electoral count like all that sonow the south like we need to we need to get power we need sonow we need more states we need more states because otherwisethey're gonna abolish slavery and we're gonna be poor and butthey're also hanging on to a way of life in the south yeahand in the north they're not they're trying to do anythingthat's new and anything that's next and anything that's largeamounts of money and large amounts of industry and they're
01:07:20they're they're manufacturing in huge amounts in the souththey're just trying to play a fiddle and whip the guy growgrow a little tough to cotton shirt one shirt every sixmonths to the thing to point out it's important to know yeahthis was the fight was an insanely different yeah we stillwanted to be one country we wanted to be one country sois this weird a conflict that never went away so like doesit continue to morph till now it's just like something it
01:07:50does we are like no we need to talk about yeah yeah it'sbut so okay so what's his name now we're at James Buchananwho's probably the worst I think he was frozen by two he hadso much pressure he was a lawyer from Pennsylvania that wasjust about the law yeah which was the last thing he neededto be as the president which was like well that's the rulebut he had all of Lincoln's problems with none of hischarisma and guts yeah and blood that was James Buchanan
01:08:18had the dreads to kill dread Scott was under James Buchananwhich was where if you don't know about that that was abouta slave living in free territory and he was suing to gethis freedom it went all the way up to the Supreme Court wherethey ruled he was an object so he had no he was not a citizentherefore that ruling made sure every black person in Americawas an object yes not a citizen and Buchanan responded bysaying that's the law that settles it instead of standing up
01:08:50he just had to follow the law yeah so he was like an extensionof the court yeah that's not it wasn't his job yeah man thatbrought us to Lincoln and as soon as Lincoln gets electedthe South secedes yeah every state starts to say we're notAmerica anymore like immediately before he takes yeah officeit's also crazy checking in on the headlines and you know likenow they said you're a chair basically like fuck yeah yeahfuck you got Lincoln though you know Lincoln well we could
01:09:19just maybe skip them because they'll be the whole fuckingyeah we could stop we could stop with Lincoln let's stop andthen you go on to some guys you're interested in after allright yeah we're good we can go as long as we want talkingfor an hour okay well you're not enjoying us you're not havingthe time of your life I'm having a great time I knew you wouldthis is nice right having a great time you're not having agreat time I'm not I hate this decent time really no I'm having
01:09:42a good time how much you decide which onethe thing I liked about I mean I gave you that book aboutLincoln that's a great wasn't in Carl Sandberg it's a weirdkind of stream of consciousness telling of Lincoln story infour volumes it's crazy just the Warriors just from when hetook office and when he was coming here there was everythingthe hell was breaking loose and there was supposed to be aJanuary 6th there was supposed to be one there was a plan to
01:10:15stop the certifying of the vote and so they went to generalfuck what was his name he's the only American general thenbecause we didn't fight wars anymore yeah so the army waskind of like not you know I think he was the commander he'sthe name you just know when you hear like Scott some oh yeahWinfield one field Scott yes so they went to Winfield Scottthe guys run in the government then they said we thinkthere's going to be this thing where they're going to try to
01:10:42stop the so he said he said if anyone he did made a declarationhe's publicly he said if anyone tries to stop the countingof votes and the democratic process from happening eitherby force or by infiltration I will stuff them into my Canonand fertilize my lawn with Lincoln said that that's whathe said what no no and what he did in real fact because hewas a really smart guy he gave all of the Capitol police andall those guys that they had that the day all they said go
01:11:17home and he went and got a policeman from Baltimore fromNew York City all kinds of like badass cops and he had themin plain clothes all over the Capitol heavily all heavilyarms but in plain clothes so and people so if somebody startedsomething the guy would just go like this or elbow him orwhatever but the appearance was that it was peaceful and thatthere was no military presence but nothing happened that's whatit took to get Lincoln everybody up to the minute that
01:11:48happened everyone was like I don't know if he's ever goingto take office of people believed he would never bepresident he wasn't even on the ballot in the southern statesnot even on the ballot yeah what he didn't win one southernstate a lot of people big big people who would be like whoevernow wrote long things saying don't take office your presidencyyour your victory is hollow it's not real not even just peoplefrom the south but people from the north they were they
01:12:15everyone was afraid that Lincoln was going to justimmediately free the slaves and start war with the south andhis first inauguration he says first thing for first thing outof his mouth is I have no intention of freeing the southernslaves or changing their slave laws and yes we will chase downand bring you back your slaves when they come up here withinReezy puts like a tiny thing of like we're not going to likemake it our obsession but we will do it like so first thing
01:12:45out of his mouth bothers me about people like people thatare critics of him hang on to that and they're like youknow Lincoln didn't want to do it it's like dude the wholetime that's what he wanted of course you did that's whatagain it goes all the way back to the framers they all wantedthis to be a better country than it was so they they knewthey couldn't they couldn't create a nation without slaveryso they said let's create a nation where people can change
01:13:11peacefully they can change not only leadership but the lawsthat create a situation where people figure it out forthemselves and move forward and change instead of like aconstitution could have been a very permanent thing it couldhave been a very solid permanent thing but they actuallymade it elastic on purpose and that's yeah Lincoln was likewe'll do it yeah we'll do it yeah just we need some fuckingtime and boy what it cost yeah is crazy and a lot of people
01:13:41who didn't want slavery we're really angry at Lincoln forhow hard he pushed that war and that he didn't just settleit just let the South do whatever they want we have wehave our free blacks here let them take their chances downthere you're killing millions or however many fucking I don'tknow how many people was like quarter million people diedin the Civil War yeah probably around there something likeabout how many we killed in Iraq in a day yeah pretty much
01:14:05true yeah for doing nothing less than Middle Eastern civiliansyeah measure it like Persian weddings yeah exactly but yeahit was yeah Lincoln's the Lincoln's the best I reallysomething I mean it just took a lot a lot of political gutsa lot of doing a lot of fuck yeah he's just trying to talkto these fucking cons from the south it's just like clearlythis is for money you know it's wrong yeah you know it'swrong it's it's dude it's 1865 it was the ultimate time 60
01:14:42they know it's wrong one folks not wanting to say that shit'swrong yeah and him like not making them say it but gettingthem to yeah just one guy at a time one guy at a time hewould just go around get support here get support there putmuscle in where he had it and he fought a brutal brutal waryeah fucking a incessant war and he had to wait until he gota victory to fucking announce the Emancipation Proclamationoh he was trying so hard to get it out but his generals
01:15:11kept fucking up and losing and he would just be right intothese dudes like go yeah please do it get one get one likeI think he wrote it after Antietam which was like a drawthat's pretty good that's close enough here we go we're doingit shot yeah and he got his fucking head blown off by nextto his wife yeah and they put a little napkin that was whatthey did for him they put a little napkin back there and hopedbut it was not a good was not a very good life for a while
01:15:41after yeah that's what he didn't just die right away he didn'thave to die at all yeah he didn't die right away reallyyeah he was like alive in the hotel and they're like we don'tknow how to do anything yeah yeah what play was he sayingdoes anyone know fuck I do know what well what was the playit was at the Ford's Theater I don't remember thehe was watching it was something good yeah he was fixatedhe didn't notice the assassin thing it was Hamilton he was
01:16:12sitting there like was itnice he was sitting there watching it like I got to pretendto like this yeah it's fucking Hamilton and then they shot himhe was like thank God Christ the shit sucks so badso that brings us to Johnson so this is great first first guyto be impeached was he impeach oh yeah first guy to be impeachedyeah Johnson shows up this is great he was he was like a toughguy he was supposed to be the counteraction Lincoln well
01:16:44he's one of the reasons the war was prolonged because everybodyknew if we could just get rid of Lincoln Johnson was behind himwith there was a deal to be made it was like don't was likedon't talk outside the family he was like son you know yeahson he liked my deal didn't he son he was happy Johnson wouldhave fucking settled in a minute Johnson started his life asan indentured servant no shit and worked his way up how sickis that that's impressive and then before his inauguration
01:17:11you got fucked up on whiskey and just couldn't talk it'sinauguration it was in the rain in the mud right after Lincolngot shot never was like he's he's the one who proved you canyou can impeach a president but you cannot get the fuckingvotes it's a waste of time and he ends up stronger yeah thedumbest move in the world it's it's vanity yeah it's justthat Congress hates the president is just bullshit yeah butit doesn't accomplish anything they they I don't remember why
01:17:41they went after him whatever he was very corrupt fucked up guyI don't know who knows it's all shit that I heard because ofthem but they they impeached him and then failed to get ridof him really nothing else about him but I don't know eitherbut then fucking Grant Grant amazing guy great guy amazingguy I feel like his presidency was a bit of a fucking letdownfor how cool he was I mean he did so Christing much this guyto help the south he was pretty good what do you do well and
01:18:11say he was he was first of all some people get on him becausehe owned his he owned us one slave because his father hisfather-in-law his wife's father yes hated him because he wasan abolitionist me wasn't like an active abolition sure buthe was against it just for not having a slave back then ifyou didn't have a slave you were a dick to serve yeah so youwere like put on a mask yeah you were that guy you were likewhy do you have slaves yeah and they're like why is this guy
01:18:38making me feel uncomfortable yeah so he hated him because hehad slaves and he didn't want one so he gave him one for asa wedding present like to spite him what a dick yes so Jesusso Grant made the guy his partner and they started a littlebusiness together which he then freed the guy and gave himthe business yeah so he would go he would go work with theslaves to be out there with them working yeah and then whilehe was like financially ruined yeah he freed his slaves instead
01:19:08of selling but he had one though I'm not sure he might havehad one at that point story story I just told you I think hisslave story I don't think he had a bunch of him he had he hadone slave and he freed him instead of selling them but hisfather and he gave him a business yeah it started with himhis father-in-law history fucked him he was like yeah that'sright that's right here's and then he was he was in the armyand he went one of his first jobs was outpost near San
01:19:36Francisco was in the middle of nowhere there's no I mean itwas in the desert of California he was the only one there andhe was a family man I loved his family he missed his bed missedhis family so much and he started just getting drunk andthey can somebody came to drop the mail and found him passedout drunk and that was his only experience with alcohol he wasnot he was a very rigidly living guy and he was thought knownas a drunk for the rest of his life really there's every time
01:20:02he had a political problem they'd go he's drinking there'sarguments there's rumors he was fucked up at Shiloh becausehe said because he sat under a tree in the rain they foundhim sitting under a tree in the rain outside of a militaryhospital it also is funny because Shiloh he woke up on daytwo of it yeah at like the start of day two or maybe it wasthe start of day one when it started he was late to getthere so everybody was like he was hammered but if he was
01:20:26hammered that's very funny to be like oh shit there's a warso after he was after he was he had won the Civil War startedreally reconstruction like started like really he was inearnest wanting to get opportunities in the equityfor black people equal opportunity for black people andthen he retired and was in New York they became a New Yorkerhe became big big big part of this city yeah and he had ason named Kermit who I think his name was Kermit who those
01:20:571800s yeah so Kermit invested like fucking great name investedhis money and all of his father's money with some asshole guywho took it and just left town and just took all of theirmoney every penny that they had and so Grant went to visitVanderbilt who's outside of the Grand Central Station is agreat statue of him I think it was Vanderbilt yeah went tothe richest man in New York City who was a hard ass a guywho didn't care for charity or anything but he brought his
01:21:30he brought sure what's his name the sword that was get whoyeah Lee Robert he had Robert E. Lee sword that he surrenderedto him he had his congressional Medal of Honor and the Biblethat he was that he took the oath of office and he gave themhe said I want to sell these to you because I have no moneyand Vanderbilt said Jesus Christ president holy shit we'renot doing that he said I I'm going to donate these to theNational Museums and I'll give you a you know like he bought
01:22:07them for the nation but did he buy his biography isn't thatwhat he knows what happened with the biographies is the bestpart of his story and it's actually his greatest legacyis by his biography his autobiographies like the greatestever written so he met two guys on a train he was didn't doand he'd do anything for money at this point he's because hiswife was very young he was broke as everything he's beenthrough he was broke and his wife was young and he was going
01:22:30to leave her destitute so he met two guys on a train they'relike why don't you write your autobiography will pay you athousand dollars and he was like done what so then about aweek later he meets up with Mark Twain was like his bestfriend and Mark Twain said why don't you write your autobiographyyour memoirs and he said I'm doing that for these guys andhe goes what are they paying you and he goes a thousanddollars and he's like dude what is wrong and he says give me
01:23:04the book all published because he Mark Twain and started hisown publishing company because he hated publishers said I'llpublish it and I'll help you write it and he said I promisethose two guys he's like did you sign something he goes no butI did I like I gave my word so so Twain or his real name what'shis Clemens Clemens goes travels to I think he went to seeSherman he went to see he's like I need to see somebody whotrust who you know listen to so he went to visit Sherman and
01:23:37said please like please get him to do this so Sherman wrote atelegram to Grant saying for for the love of God give the bookto that's what that's what the thing that's all so he wrotehis biography autobiography and the remarkable thing about itthat I read was that there's like no adjectives in it it'slike all verbs and nouns the entire book is verbs and nounsbecause he just says what happened it's a very well writtenbook and so Clemens turned it into this special edition that
01:24:05you had to order one you could get any color you wanted andit was the first blockbuster book in American history it madelike half a million dollars in the first month meanwhile he hada goiter that was growing and growing Stoges you always seehim with the Stoges died of throat cancer like right as hefinished the book and then his wife was made for life her firstcheck from Twain was like four hundred thousand dollars whoayeah I think he wasn't he buried here and this monument and
01:24:33he's buried in in Grant's tomb on the Harlem and when he diedthe north there was this huge funeral and it was northernand southern soldiers southern soldiers were allowed to putback on their southern uniforms because it was a big thingthat his casket was carried by north and south it's too badyou can never get away with wearing a Confederate uniformin Harlem these days because that would get away withyeah but he was he was fucking awesome at the when when Lee
01:25:05surrendered he was very like I mean it was it was unconditionalsurrender so he was like you guys are gonna fucking give upbut he was like keep your guns go home start rebuilding likehe could have fucking destroyed the south and he was verychill I think Custer stole the fucking sword he hated I thinkCuster stole Lee's sword maybe got it back but I think the storywas Grant wouldn't accept it or something a lot of them keepit and yeah Custer's blood thirsty and then on on the parade
01:25:36back into Washington yeah Grant was obviously out front Custerfucking rode ahead and Grant was like this mother fucker Custerwas the blonde hair you look at if you look into Custer he waspretty fucking I don't know much about him he fucked up Jebstored at Gettysburg which was pretty cool because Jeb was theman and he wrote in he was with the Michigan Calvary and he waslike come on you Wolverines and fucking let him into a chargethat's why they're the Michigan Wolverines all that shit so
01:26:03then you got Hayes who undid all of this yeah cool stuff forblack people it's all very just he didn't want to get dealwith it so he just he just did away with it and then you gotfucking who else then it goes Garfield then I get bleary yeahthis is all this is like the Gilded Age is what it's calledit's all shit yeah but this is where shit like it goes fromwe ended slavery to now just right back into just justracism really not slavery but just every law against them
01:26:32subjugation just like every it became the same obsession asbefore yeah but without slavery just became all about notletting them vote keeping them off and that goes all the wayup until like now yeah yeah like we're just yesterday wefigured out yesterday thank god finally Arkansas nice littlenation yeah Louisiana cleaned up their act a little trueand Alabama my favorite president just jump in way thefuck ahead is Nixon is my favorite dude he's awesome he's
01:27:02the best and again as a character yes Nixon gave thecountry one great gift that I wish was like I wish it wastaught like the speech that Lincoln has on his monument andthough ask not what your country and all that shit thegreatest thing that he did because it speaks more to whatAmericans live is that when Nixon was shamed and destroyedand had to leave office he had to fucking resign he had to giveafter a couple of I'm not a crook and this is all bullshit he
01:27:39had to go and say well all right I'm gonna go and still notcook but I'm gonna get out of here yeah Gerald Ford wouldtake the you know with the office at this time in thisoffice and he left but before he left he gave a speech to hisstaff to the White House staff that was impromptu it wasjust on his way to the to the to the helicopter and he'sjust and he's copiously crying in the speech this video of itthat you can see you have to try to find the whole thing
01:28:11because there's clips that you can find on YouTube but Iactually ordered from C-span DVD of the whole speech andthey're all balling the whole staff and his family standingbehind him and he just tells them look don't he's encouragingthem he said this is a tough moment for all of us he saidfirst of all I don't want to encourage I don't want todiscourage young people from taking from being in publicservice he was afraid of what would what the what would
01:28:41has happened yes he was right he said don't be discouragedfrom public office it's a great calling and he said in forany mistakes that we made in all the everything that'shappened not one person in this administration um gainedfinancially from anything from being here left richer thanwhen they got here he made it first of all he defendedeverybody that was there and then he just starts reflectingfor he reads from Teddy Roosevelt's uh from his diary
01:29:13when Teddy's uh wife and mother died at the same night theyboth died of cholera or whatever on the same night he wasgoing from room one room to the other oh yeah and they bothdied and he was like at 21 or something and he wrote thisquote that was like the light has gone out and it'll bedarkness forever and he said he so he read it to his staffand he said that's how he felt having lost his wife and hismom and he went on and had this incredible life so he's
01:29:43trying to say don't so he says now don't be discouragednever be petty uh don't hate your enemies because that's whenyou'd start to destroy yourself he's starting he gets itreally introspective about everything that happened withouttalking about it and then he says it's horrible he goes umhe says uh they'll never write a book about my motherbut she was a saint oh man and I think of herlike one of his brothers had tuberculosis and they had no
01:30:12money so she moved to Arizona where the air was better andshe was a nurse a wet nurse she nursed other people's babiesfor money in order that her son could live in Arizonaand he talks about his father who was a lemon farmer who had afailing lemon farm and then he was a uh switch man on a on astreet car and he just talks about his parents and and whatthey did for him and all that and he just cries oh it wasit's fucking beautiful but it shows you a man at the at the
01:30:45height of American experience destroyed from that heightwhich is the worst thing that can happen to a person is to getthat high and fall and he just went here's how this feelshe just told the world this is how this feels is what thislooks like and uh here's all I can say and then he went andincredible I mean he was one of the most influential people inAmerican history yeah he ended Vietnam right yes that wasalready about he was in that he was in he was fucking uh
01:31:15Eisenhower's vice president he there's there's uh there's a guywe know that's a bit of a conspiracy guy but he's beenpretty correct on everything so far and he's got a book comingout on Watergate yeah okay and about how that was moreit was a little darker than it seemed so I know a guy back whenI was first living in the city as a comedian um there was a guynamed Frank um Gannon who had a Gannon Frank Gannon wrotespeeches for Nixon and was a very close friend of his and
01:31:51weirdly he became the guy who books the comedians on Lettermanand when I moved to New York back in 1990or so being on Letterman was the all anybody wantedso Gannon was the most important person in comedy at the timeand he was a strange guy who was very serious and he would just come and he'dwatch you and if he liked you he'd get more of you to comeand maybe you'd be on the show so he liked me he never got me on the showbut he liked me so I went to Letterman's office and met him
01:32:21and I asked him about Nixon because he wrote Nixon has one big biography calledR.N. that Gannon co-wrote and he told me that when you get a few drinks inNixon he says the same people that got theKennedy's got me it's the same same people that got yeah he said it's thesame machine that took out yeah John and Robertcame after him he said they just couldn't use bullets anymore because it wasgetting too they were getting they were on exactly what we saidwe said that without Watergate was he said Watergate was something that happened
01:32:56all the time it was just like and still does I mean it's not like oh myoh my goodness it's how things are done yeah yeah it's a safe for the milliondollars in it what president doesn't have a safe for the million dollarsit was uh so that's that's Nixon's story that was that was Nixon's story hedidn't say it in public sure because the same as he concededthe presidency to Kennedy which Kennedy stoleI mean hope everyone knows that that his fathertook suitcases of money to delegations
01:33:29and stole the presidency and Nixon knew it and he was like I'm not gonna thisnot good for the country to get in that that's why he resigned instead ofstanding trial and that's why he didn't talk about that'swell that's the story you know yeah um yeah that's that's a goodthat's a good uh most interesting president most interesting I think to meyeah I mean Johnson was also fascinating yeah Johnson was and Reagan waskind of an empty-headed genius incredible knows how to just be as long assomebody's else is in the room Reagan was brilliant
01:34:04but I'm not sure he had any thoughts yeah I mean there are people like thatyeah he he was like a actor that was an actor I guess I'll be a republicanwhile he was there and then which was which was pretty admirable at the timebecause he was actually no it wasn't because that was in the middle of thered scare he was like one of the guys being likeyou're a communist he just became the manmy favorite film of Reagan is Larry King interviewing himafter he was shot and saying so what do you what do you
01:34:36how do you what do you feel about this guy and he said well I just pray for himhe's a sick man he's just you know I found out later that he'she's sick he's mentally ill so we add him to our prayersand we hope him for the best for him and he says it with his bigoh yeah we're fucking that guy up oh yeah he's I hope he's doing goodyeah yeah yeah he's doing great yeah um I think that yeah that should be it rightyeah yeah thanks that's fun enough you had fun yeah it was good why do youget accusing me of having fun it was fun uh thanks for thanks for doing it man
01:35:13sure thanks for asking thanks fun goodbye wow wow yeah let's just do thatyeah we're not gonna do ads on the next one we got to do ads on this let's do ityeah can't do ads on the next one no dude in the middle of that you can't drop anad no so man Shane's pot man Shane's secretpodcast is brought to you by Hawthorne I bet you think it reallystinks in here and it did but now we've got Hawthorne what thefuckwhat why did they say we stink and it did but now we've got Hawthorne to make us
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01:36:16to know I can't talk it's triple x dude I can't talk about I'll tell you how thecream felt made me jizz all over myselfnow I had to shower I'll tell you what I used to like man scape when I rememberreading man scapes ad and I was like I love man scape stuff sucks I like Hawthornedude hey I'm kidding I'm kidding I like man scape Hawthorne is the best I yeahI've been using yeah I was just about to start endorsing oh yeah true HawthorneHawthorne's worse let me tell you something you motherfuckerHawthorne stands by their customers so if you're not completely satisfied
01:36:46they'll real retailer your products for free based on your feedbackand pay for the shipping so there's truly no risk at all that's a Hawthorne waynormally when you're buying cream and clone there's a pretty high riskoh yeah right now there's no risk not at all right not at all dudeso make sure I've been using the face wash dude look at thatreally clean dude touch me I haven't even got you I don't evenreceived my somebody touch me I beg you so makeI'll rub you it's good they're gonna do the clone
01:37:21maybe we should put on a lot of their clone before we go to our othersto our friend's house spray ourselves so make sure you're ready for anythingor anyone that comes your way by taking Hawthorne's quiz today so make sure you'reready to fucking if you're in Walmart make sure you're ready for anybodygo to Hawthorne.co and use promo code drenched to get 10 off your firstpurchase that's Hawthorne h-a-w-t-h-o-r-n-edot co promo code drenched Hawthorne dot co promo code drenchedyou want to smell good and get yes good you get them smell goods going on
01:37:58you got this one Lucy yes guys just give me some wrap about Lucylike you know you know the favorite flavors I love itmangoes my shit because although I'm addicted to it I'm still a fuckingfruity true fruity guy I'm still a bit of afruit man yeah you want to enjoy it you gotta behealthy when you're doing it for sure that's how I get my fruitsyeah so you guys know the deal if you're addicted to nicotine that's a funnyjoke if you're addicted to nicotine go to Lucy I know that doesn't work
01:38:23Lucy's safe it's the chemical they isolate the chemical nicotineand make it taste yummy they make it taste good so not only arethe chemical itself is addicting they give it a good taste exactly to make iteven more fucking enjoyable exactly that's that's all we can do now is justenjoy ourselves guys yeah so guys check out the full line ofproducts at Lucy.co and use the promo code drenched atcheckout that's Lucy.co and be sure to use that promo code drenchedand if you're a listener from Canada Lucy is now available at ca.lucy.co
01:38:58warning this product contains nicotine nicotine is an addictive chemical butalso that's why you like it that's why you like it and that's why you like itand probably the baby was probably on nicotine when he had that quick reactiontime to get that you know play red dead yeah you can takea tobacco to can you really you can take Lucy to fuckingthe golden eye yeah so guys I'm gonna be on my fuckingdumb tour forever I'm gonna be on the road foreverso April 28th to 30th that's this weekend I'll be in Indianapolis
01:39:34tickets going fast there's there's some tickets left I thinkMay 6th I'll be in Manchester England May 8th LeedsEngland May 9th Glasgow Scotland May 12th Dublin13th London 13th London so this has been a big confusion for a lot of peoplethe first show is at Leicester Square I believe it's sold outthe second one is at 02 Shepherd's Bush Empiredon't worry about what it fucking time it says on the tickets or whateverjust get there at night and wait I think that's the first like
01:40:14real theater I've ever headlined really London so yeah please come to thatbecause if that doesn't sell out I'm gonna feel like a fucking doofusyou gotta get Jason Statham out too oh I will get Statham down dudeyeah welcome to the show welcome welcomeyo uh June 3rd through 5th Phillyalready sold out not a big deal June 6th through 11th BreaCalifornia whatever St. Louis Austin Baltimore PittsburghSan Francisco Brisbane Australia Sydney Australia Adelaide Australia Perth
01:40:45Melbourne let's go oh my goodness I mean and then I'mdead yeah true after that whole tour then I will bedead mummify your remains dude place you in thefucking hallway at helium just as a mummy be tightdude bananas comedy club that's the big onethat's the end that's the absolute end of my just wicked run dudeone show a month for four months where are you goingbananas brotherford how is this not it's sold out I don't know
01:41:14I'm bringing Sid and butterly so it'll be nice we're gonna do stand up oh shitat the end of it we'll just do a bit of a live stone dead but justnever to never to be seen again live a little live dude a little at the endof the shows we'll have a nice oh it's been having fun this weekendyeah this weekend bananas bananas coming up north jersey I meandude New York it's not sold out yet so get ticketsnot at all I don't think it's close but it'll be fun it's gonna be funit's a new room that's why that's why yeah I thought it was the tiny room
01:41:42is it the new room the other one used to be init's not the one by dad it's not in the thing about a thingreally now you're at yeah someone well it's brotherfordwhatever this will be which is right next to it it'll be fundude I've been having me know me and said the kid I've been having a good timeyeah so we'll get the butterly man dude it's gonna be it'll be a good showGardini we'll have the absolute SS himself super star oh SS Gardinithe old SS officer Sean Gardini I was disappointed no one yelled eight off
01:42:15at Chris when he got on someone did I think someone yelled I went outside tohear yes he could do a sponge no he's he got him a turd I thinkturds that means you're super that means you're an ogalso I would like to get Gus the groundhog going for Nate Marshallthat's what I was thinking about I'd like for him to be called Gusthat'd be nice Gus the groundhog that's his rap namewhat do you got um the drip at the stand uh WednesdayMay 4th at 7 p.m that was gonna be fun
01:42:47some instagram nice and then the doghouse at sesh Friday May 13th Friday 13thvery that will be a spooky time guys we're about to go do somethingcould change our lives forever true thank you for listening adios
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