Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 397 - The Heart of Straightness

Episode Date: June 6, 2022

Support the D.A.W.G.Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod Buy Merch @ mssecretpodcast.com/merch yo. Classic ep for you. nbd. Just the D.A.W.G.Z. in Shane's hotel. The paytch has a special surprise. Matt is now girldad x2. And It's an extremley prideful month. What are you most proud of? Please enjoy.  Support the show and get 20% off with the code DRENCHED at https://Lucy.co Support the show and get 20% Off and Free Shipping with the code DRENCHED at https:// Manscaped.com    

That's a good shot right there. Oh nice. That's the shot right there. Are you sound speed you hurt your knee? Yes, dude careful 466 children have been shot so far this year in America. Yeah, dang that stinks 466 whoa 10,000 suicides. Yeah With guns. Yeah, just with guns. They there's the so far this year 10,000 CDC estimate 10,000 suicides CDC estimate. Yeah, okay, it's probably a little low. They probably feel bad about what they did CDC estimate

That's the fucking official word. Yeah, I mean, dude, they did that they're during the book chasing the scream No, the yo han harry. I think his name is or we're not afraid of his name, but he uh, No, you gotta cite it. He said it's not yo vel. Yo vel harry is like the evolution nerd Johan harry is the guy who did chasing the scream in the other book Something else, but they were saying in England. They used to have this Some sort of like these gas ovens and like you get a lot of people sticking their heads in the gas. Oh, yeah Yeah, that's how people use it. It was like the public gas and they took public gas away And people had to get it they did drop off people to get a little more creative

I'm not trying to take anyone. I don't want to take anyone's guns You don't want to take that was that was a pretty solid statistic when they were like Oh, people are gonna kill themselves no matter what and they took away public gas and like people are just like Yeah, I don't know if it's not here. Yeah There was a famous famous female poet who gasped out her stuck her head in the oven Yeah, who was it? Who was that again? What the fuck was her name? She was a famous female poet Like gasped I think almost her whole family. She definitely got herself I think she like try to like block her children's rooms off. I don't know if she got the kids

But Sylvia plath. Yeah, she rolled the dice on a gas a gaseous suicide Wow, I had no idea. Sylvia plath, man. What a fucking idiot Fucking asshole. She almost got her kids. I think so. They were in the house. No, no I think she's trying to protect them. She did the old like freshman dorm room like towel under the door If I hope this gas doesn't pass through I think she might have set up a chiller or a uh, what are those things called with a febriestown A paper towel. She's like breathe through this. I wish you would have done that in there killed myself. No

Put a towel on the floor So that gas didn't leak out here. You know o'connor dumped in the green room last night. Oh, that's he is A vicious. Yeah vicious crapper. Yeah And he hit the green room crap, which is he's it's a rude thing to do that green room too There's no room for it and there's no ventilation in that bathroom. I've done it Sometimes you have to do it O'connor did have to do it. True. What was what's going on with the staff bath? What's that was wrong with the staff bathroom? Absolutely true

Oh, he was featuring though Yeah, he should have he had a feature told me he did he had grumbles a little feature told me He should have hit staff bath. He should have hit the staff bathroom But that does suck because usually you get the you get the grumblies right like halfway through the host and you're like You know, I don't have time But he crapped and it lingered for Over an hour that might be the one place you really can't take a shit and he sprayed it Ah, it's even worse. It's just it. Yeah, just for breeze with a hint of shit at the end

Ah Anyway, this is good fruit. This is what we want. It is rotten fruits nasty dude. What's up, dude? How are you? Dude, I'm good. I'm fucking I like have not slept in two days Had two cups of coffee me neither brother. Yeah, you mean on the same We're basically partying for both party and hard as we're having the party times of our lives Dude, yeah, I've been up. I've been up for pretty much two straight nights So it's not that hard though. Everyone says the second kid is like, oh my god I mean so far it's not too bad. Can you just play age of empires the whole time?

Could you I can't do anything could you get a laptop? I can't do anything. You can't play age of empires And he's I literally perform chores and just like weird duties all day and at the moment I have downtime I have to sleep because if I don't sleep if I don't go to sleep I stay up and a kid wakes up and it's like you're just locked in for another six hours Of just like the most inane act hit like repetitive. You're just trying to make sure like a A little being doesn't kill themselves. Yeah, they're not trying to kill themselves, but there's no They can very easily

And now I have to make sure a two-year-old doesn't kill herself and a baby Yeah, because they'll just lay on a baby's head for like 10 minutes and I'll think about it Cats do that, which is kind of funny. Yeah, dude, it's that's not funny. Obviously. Well cats Ladies like no lay on a baby Cats will suffocate babies by laying on them Are they on purpose or just like they're just like they go to sleep. I don't know why I think this is true No, I think they do it. I think it's true. There's so many warnings when you have kids You're not supposed to sleep in bed with them because like you can just roll over on your kid and smush the crush

It's done, but someone told me they put those warnings on. It's just for like drunks Like any like normal person will just pop right up But they're saying like they put them on with people like drink rip like an eight pack and pass out and just like smosh Smosh their kids It wake up like the worst hangover. Oh my god This is what you've realized that you'd be like that would be a sitting on a hangover five Just a baby on a chair and you come in hammered like Oh no

Oh shit It's probably pretty constant. Yeah, you know, I mean, I know gun deaths are a pretty bad thing Gun deaths are bad though. We do a lot of dudes drunk moms and dads Smanchin kids sitting down on kids. Yeah rolling over CDC needs to look at those numbers too Oh, yeah, they do that's why there's like big all-caps on every cow thing like don't fucking Spawn to your kid. Yeah and put it in a crib by itself People will like leave like towels and shit draped on it and kids will just grab a towel and just put it over the face And just be like

Fuck I don't know how to get this off my head. Yeah, and you're just fucking ripping logs, dude You're just sleeping off like 19 fucking ganglings And you wake up and you go. Oh, no Do you ever see Manchester by the sea? Yes. Yeah, so sad. He had a couple drinks. Yeah, he did He went to like the gas station Sophie came back and he was like, oh shit. Yeah, dude. It's it's literally It's that in the back of your head all the time. You're like, I might Manchester by I might like what am I not thinking of that?

Could possibly Manchester you could Manchester. Yeah, dude, it's the worst Yeah, the gun violence is wild. Yeah, pretty high. It's pretty high. I mean, I like that. We're not doing anything about it though, too I mean, dude, I mean as a country. We're all just kind of like This is what we do. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, it's also I mean, there is neither side's really offering a Viable fucking well you're in Europe. There's less people getting shot and they have no guns. Yeah, but but they also They are set up a team. They also did have world war two true. That was their fault. Very true They have more guns. They could have stopped true. They could have stopped the hot. They could have stopped the hitler

You just stop Hitler and all of his boys that what is that Godwin's law? Like the longer an argument goes on the quicker like eventually Hitler gets brought up and someone gets compared to Hitler I mean, there's a rule Um, I'm sorry. I'm reading an etymology book right now. I know what I got an etymology book sent to me That's fun. Etymology is great. I'm gonna I'm gonna try to get the author I'm gonna start interviewing authors put on the page. Let me type You should have seen the guard dog last night. What was he up to? Holy shit? What were you up to last night? Oh, man, you know what I was doing, dude, I was minding my piece

He comes out the fans Oh, shit. It's guard dog. What was he doing? Like, yeah, well, it was like, come on, man. I'm just trying to get a drink I was like, dang the superstar You were laying it on me at the end. Yeah, you took it personally. Yeah, I remember it was hilarious I was rubbing your head and being like, dude, it must be so nice having fans It's true. So young too. That's what I was I was like, damn, dude, you just basically start with fans, dude That's so sick. Justin Bieber status He's a child star. He's Bieber. He's a child star. Yeah

I'm a pop star. You are a pop star. You motherfucking pop. You took it personally when I was doing it. You're like, come on She ain't stop being me. I was like, I had to fucking earn mine, dude Like I was being mean to him when he thought I was serious I had a guy absolutely attacked me last night He'll do it on twitter. It must have been a burner account zero both and it was just like, fuck you, dude I'll kick your fucking ass. You're a pussy. Why? I don't know. I started laughing. I was in my bed tweeting at your DM DM me on instagram Attacked me, dude. Yeah, they some of the boys want attention that way. We're cool. I was DM you and be like, are you fucking fat, bitch?

I'll beat the fuck out of you We squashed it. Yeah, you gotta squash I squashed it. I was like, dude, why why are you doing this? Why are you mad? Why are you doing this to me? The fucking Noah thing is the craziest thing of all time Should we not talk about that? It's hilarious. He's a tortured artist. He is I don't know. I don't know Why not someone fucking yeah, they posted it. You can talk about it. Okay So we're fucking torched one of his paintings. Yeah, somebody purchased art from Noah. Yeah, and then burnt it On camera and said he sucked. Yeah Well, actually his wife said no, it's funny. The wife said the wife said this is his wife and you're not an artist

isn't art I mean, dude, buddy of that caught on and people just kept buying Noah's art Kind of rules. It's a more of an artist. Yeah. Yeah That's like a what was the time? It wasn't like a bad time in spain or something It reminds me of like a very spanish problem the inquisition inquisition. Yeah, that's what I'm thinking of It's very inquisition-esque. I knew spain had some growing pains there. Spain had a bunch of growing pains Was that which related to the inquisition or is that just like a little bit? Yeah, but it was like They're like you're not a good enough catholic

Really? Yeah, I should like that and they'd fucking burn your paintings. They'd burn your commission paintings. Burn all your paintings Stab your paintings That was scary That was scary. It's a very spanish thing to do to be like I'm burning this picture. Yes, you're right. I didn't think about that Yeah, it is very spanish, man. Yeah, I told that I was like damn the fuck poor Noah Yes Yes The hotel room you guys are basically you I was just about to ask you you have no idea what's been going on in here

I can tell I walked in when I walked in here I got like hit with an overwhelming afterglow. Just imagine what I've been doing. I walked in an absolute sexual aftermath pig face into butt You're suckling dude. You're suckling at the troll dude You ever lay horizontal and just get up in the troll I come running. I run to man I get in the bathroom and get naked

And she lays down and goes dinner time and I go And I run out You should get into pig play. It is pride play. It is pride but dude. Yeah, the boys were out yesterday I saw they're here kicking around like eyes are watering. They were having fun Yeah, dude, very prideful week. Yeah My dad my dad threw a vicious pa towards you towards me. Yeah all the way down. He's like he's like how Shane does Oh, he's been here all weekend. He goes. Yeah, what's he doing? I was like, dude, that's a peak though. He's doing He's trying to say it was pride week

So what? There's no big deal. He might have been complimenting you. He might have been like I'm pumped for Shane You know dude, he's so it fucks him up, man. He's not mad. He's not pissed about it, but he's like He's like worried about the traffic. He's like, I'm coming down early. I'm not getting caught up in that all that That's what they call it gay traffic It is. Yeah, it's a gay show out here written houses. Oh, it's crazy. There's a lot of gay foot track Dude, someone fucking smack my head right off my head. Yeah, you gotta watch out for those guys, too They're kicking around too. I don't know if you thought I was trying to figure that out. It was a

homeless black man and I was like, is he Thinking I don't know if he thought I don't know if I look straight or gay in my outfit. I've we look very I have a very colored bathing suit on so I think I think he hate crying me as a gay guy Yeah, I think he thought I was a gay guy you and Sean together. That's I was trying to keep my distance Sean's got a fucking mustache. You've got a benders mustache. He does. Yes So I was worried I kept I wanted the social distance Sean so people didn't think we were gay I'm trying to keep six feet the whole time. I'm like, dude, not right now We're outside of a hotel. We're two dudes. I don't want to steal gay valor and have people think like we're up here

I'm about to fucking dig Sean out. Yeah, you about to go upstairs and Dude, that's the dream 36 year old man linking up with a 24 year old boy 25 Oh, you're 25. You better hurry up a little more famous 25 is the clock's ticking. Yeah, that's like sensation stuff Yeah past that 30s like 30s sucks and go to AC Oh Fuck dude, yeah, the bees has been wild out this weekend. It's been a fun weekend. Yeah, man, dude He's MIA. I don't even talk to him anymore. We go on the road. He's just really he's his own man

Really? He goes and he's up to things What'd you say? I said, he's a ronin. He is he's adult dator He is an adult dator adult dator. He dates. He goes out. He gets on boats constantly. Really? Yeah Did he get only but not this weekend? I think he's on a boat. I think he's on a boat right now. What? Yeah, he looked dude. I saw him from across. I could tell he was hung over from across the street He looked like a puffer fish, dude Yeah, it was well, it's also the same thing like uh Whenever we go on a weekend, it's like all right Thursday night. Take it easy on the first night. Take it easy

Don't get fucked up. Yeah, of course. I got here Wednesday night and got blacked out before Even before it even started. You're supposed to take it easy on Thursday though. So I was supposed to take it easy on Thursday I got no, I was bad. I was hung over for every show. Oh, no. Yeah, although Thursday I think I might have taken it ease do it ease slightly Yeah, yeah One night. No Thursday. I did take it easy because I came back here, but I stayed up late Yeah, I stayed up to that. I came in. No, I was by myself. I was by myself and I channeled my energies into the age of empires

I channeled my sexual energy into the age of empires And I played it for four hours. That's what fuels all the troops in the age of empires Fucking it is not a good game. Really? It's just it's a cell phone game. You literally like yeah, I gotta just keep creating guys That's so fun. It's not a good game. I mean, that's so fun. It's a dick thing. I can't stop playing it What are you you're saying? There's no strategy to it or no, not really It's just you were just massive just more men Is it freemium? Can you pay for extra to get some perhaps? I'll look into it. Check it out

I remember I did I I had a stop clash glance because I was fucking spending on it That was the most shameful. We played that fucking World War one game. I forgot about that $200 at least just to buy like a battleship and a plane and be like i'm fucking these dudes up now I can't with the freemium games. I can't stop. I literally can't I think they have fake guys like things they make Yeah, I think they have like plants basically There's no way there's that game was fucking sick. God. That was so that was a sick game That was so fucking fun. Remember Beezer played with us a knife. We betrayed him He was france. Yeah Beezer was france

Uh, so I got I got some damning information. I need to tell you this You remember when you were using dong wax? Yeah, because you had ringworm on your penis I've entered the brotherhood, dude. Really my penis is destroyed. What happened? I got fucking ringworm on it. It's a worse It's disgusting. That's the worst. Yeah, what you do now? I'm now. I'm cured. Loachman is last week Yeah, I got fucking but it takes a while to cure that thing up. There's a long time I've never got it on my dick. I've got I usually get it in the crevices on the side my fat crevices on your bird It's on my bird. Do you sun it? No, these are some good winners that you could pop up on here and sun that thing

It helps sun it out. Yeah, get some sunlight. You gotta sun that bird, dude It shouldn't be illegal by the way Taking your penis out medicinally if you're like if you're medicinally sunning your bird at a beach It should be like dude. My ob Yeah, I don't I'm sitting here in a chair. You're looking down to see my bird You need to see your way out of this conversation. This is mine. Yeah It's my penis I think people should get over the whole secret. You're sad about though. What ringworm. Yeah, it sucks. It's not uh, you know

It sucked You have you're done with it now Pretty much he survived. It's hanging. It's it's but it's it's it's coming back down. It's good Did you at any point have like condom ringworm dick sex? No, I don't know what happened. Oh, you just fucking let it on I don't wear condoms. You let it ride. Oh, oh, oh, you mean like that when you when you had your talk about what I've been up to Would you have your sergeants marks, dude? Let's not talk about that I had that was the saddest probably my saddest part of my sexual history. It was like condom ringworm dick sex Although

Yeah, you gotta keep moving you gotta keep it moving you gotta keep it pushing I should have brought this up. What did I have ringworm on my penis? Because it's not fun. It happens it happens and as guys we shouldn't be ashamed to talk about it not at all but also, it's you know That's what happens in your fucking tearing down the walls, dude You know a little more room even more room, dude You're hitting those walls like that if I can create friction and the ringworms get in there

Yeah, all ringworm, you know where it comes from Girls dirty vaginas. Yeah, they're disgusting. Petri dish, dude. Ew. Absolute Petri dish There are probably if you like you hit it with a like a big microscope, you would probably never Touch it one again if you could see what was going on in one of those Do you ever see that episode of the magic school bus? They went in the pussy and they're all like They flew up the pussy they went in the pussy they went in one of the kids pussy I What the hell dude

You didn't see that episode They went up in the spanish girl's butthole Oh boy, wow, that was fun. That was fun. I got to come down my eyes keep watering, dude I don't know what you're having fun. That's why you're happy. Oh two cups of joe, you got two cups of joe Until I knew you were stimmed up You'd be a nasty I'm sure you would be a nasty. That's why that fucking guy guy you're Knocked your hat off. I didn't have nothing but nasty thoughts. Did we wait. Wait. Did you say what happened there?

Oh, I did guy fucking just literally I I didn't even see it coming dude comes up Smacked my hat right off my head and I I sort of got my first thought was like that's very funny It is very funny that dude just plop didn't touch me nothing affected me Pop just popped my head off on the street in public street crowded as hell And I stopped and I was just like The fuck and then I was like then I started getting mad and I was like I walked like half

You didn't know you were stimmed walked half a block and I went what the fuck dude What the fuck The fuck was that for pussy and he just he literally was like, no, yeah, what the fuck was that? He just went Deuces fuck and I went pussy And then I just went turned around and my thank god. I didn't have to fight that guy This is a jack black dude with no shirt jacked. Yeah, no shirt. He was probably stemmed up too Most likely definitely stemmed most likely in my head I was like did he think I was a gay guy and like already said that but it's in my head

I started being like fuck or did he think I was straight as fuck and was like dude. What the fuck you doing down here? as a homeless guy He kind of got to pick it up a little bit. What do you mean some gay action? Oh, yeah, yeah, that's like that's on the back of the business card just to get by You have to suck and fuck that's on the back. That's in the swiss army knife of a homeless guy Definitely, it's one of the best moves. What's sucking? Sucking to get dude. You got to get resources. You want to talk about people squealing, dude? Those boys end up squealing. Oh, yeah, that's a net. Yeah, that's a real bummer

Yeah, you get you get that's a that although that is a diamond in the rough raped in a fucking tent Yeah, or like a bear dude just some guy just Like rubbing the walls here and there like oh no, don't come in here. I'm talking about getting brought up in the hotel I'll get taken up something like fucking. Yeah, something like rich 60-year-old gay guy spotting him. I mean, he was jacked. He wasn't on the streets for a woman for a homeless dude Exactly. Richard gear comes down. He's like takes you to the spot black homeless guy. Get up here. We got to remake it We got to remake it and have o'connor as uh, richard gear and then have This isn't gonna be a tough sell

He's a sexual pig We got to remix pretty woman and uh, what was that what rent? What was the movie where everyone gets aids pretty woman, but richard gear gets aids Chris O'connor gets aids. Yeah from a gay homeless black guy And then eventually just goes back to business harder than ever and it's like this isn't gonna work I'm furious that you didn't disclose your status to me. You have HIV. You didn't tell me you were positive, dude I came out of the bathroom. Fuck it O'connor getting aids just

Great, of course I have aids Well, this is great I would never have Me and O'connor both have We drink every night don't stand up and then both are like every the next day. We're always like We gotta turn this thing around Every single time we both have such shame about drinking drinking. Yeah I mean, it's built into the experience the next day. It like takes such a taxing. It's such a toll on you

There's nothing else to do, but I feel it last night because I was like I was a little hungover I wasn't that bad for the shows. Yeah, but when we got done I was like, all right Why I started drinking again. Yeah and like four or five in I was like nice. This is awesome. I'm online helium rules This is so fun And then I caught myself being like this is how it happens When someone was like you want some molly? I was like, yes Yeah, no

That's actually that's impressive That's impressive. That's the alcohol my critical thinking my like whatever it's called my willpower. It's just out the window Yeah, three drinks dude. I'm fucking it was if it wasn't so late I probably would have yeah But it was like it was already like midnight See I have I what I tend to do when I'm drinking is I I'm out. I'm getting drunk and I will When I'm like having a good when they're going down easy they won't stop But that's why I I keep the edible like an edible on me or like a vape pen shuts you down

It's the it's the full circle Yeah, then when I get so drunk that I'm like I could probably smoke a whole vape pen And then I almost do that and then it's like what are you doing go to bed? And I'm like, yes. Yeah, it's pretty tight You need to start vaping hard as fuck while you're drunk. You might as well Vaping weed. Yeah when you're super drunk weeds really tight kills me You was like you can't bug out though throw up. You can't bug out a puke. Dude, you're rock star Dude, you puked off an edible every time I had a sad one up here the first night. I ordered a fucking papa john's pizza

Nice Fucking one in the morning. That's the start of a tragedy. That's a bad weekend week night one sitting here with a fucking small Yeah, papa john's pizza crushing the whole thing and then going straight to bed I went to bed with a full papa john's in my bed. I woke up so sick the next Little It was one of those things where I like I was like, you know, I was hazy waking up And I looked and the pizza was right on this table, dude. We're at the spot

We're at the site of the crime. Are you really sitting right there munching a full pizza Did you see the little green papa john's pepper? Those things always bum me. They always put a little pepper in that I mean the garlic is Garlic sauce. It was so good. The pizza was so good. I don't care what he said You know what papa said? Yeah What did the papa say again Sean, what did he say? In context Now shack works for him. So it's okay. I got shack owns it now. He's like a ceo

Really? Yeah, they get to shack CEO papa john's. He's like a part owner or something. I think I don't know if he's the ceo, but yeah, I Talked about him like tail. That's a good, uh, I don't know That's a decent thing like a decent like societal mechanism. Yeah, if like if you say yeah, where do you have to pay a famous black guy like a million dollars comes in Yeah, they pay didn't j it's not jz's whole job at the nfl Isn't he like if they're like, hey, we're doing something involving black guys. What should we do and jz's like here's what we're gonna do Here's your we're gonna have yeah, I was pissed at m&m I'm like an old black guy when it comes to white rappers. I'm like fuck

What the hell that you see you see will Compton from bustin with the boys that guy He released his top 10 best rappers of all time. Did he really? Number one m&m. What number two mac miller. What three was like biggie or two pock four was the beastie boys What? He just listed 10 what? It was serious People were so bad People were like this is racist

You're racist Oh, it was making me laugh so hard. Oh, he probably thought he was gonna have the best day ever He was like nice dude. Everybody don't think I'm cool for it. I know rappers top 10 rappers top that beastie boys over Damn, yeah, it's a sick move to release a top 10 and have four white dudes in the top five Best rappers for sure vanilla ice Oh, it's making me laugh. Who else is there vanilla ice? There's not a ton. He was he was reaching dude. He had some guy named like nf Even heard this underground white rappers

Yeah, that's pretty wild. It's uh, it was a very funny top five. Yo, this is this is this hurt me yesterday. What? Uh, no name changed their fight song It used to be What though the odds be great Now now while her loyal sons go marching on word to victory Now they change it to while her loyal sons and daughters march on to victor They added and daughters. That's thanks. It pissed me off. That fucking stays. Yeah I just watched Mulan today. Dude. Don't gotta tell me about that. Yeah, that's all about a girl going to war

Yeah, a girl beating the Huns dude, dude, bro. Yeah, yeah, right. Come on. I was watching that I got up and left You said I said, you know what guys this is not for me. Not for me. Is this a mongolians? The mongolians would fuck her up dude. Oh, they would have fucking trampled her dude. Yeah, they have a trampler It's bullshit. I watch that it's fucking bullshit They would tell your daughter Oh, I don't you ever try this shit mongolians will kill you mongolians would have fucking wrecked you You know the mongolians are like 10 finish

No, yeah, and a lot of finlanders are 10 percent mongolian. Really? Yeah That's an interesting fact. Where'd you find that? I googled it. Yeah, because Brady was like, what are these guys mixed with? I'm like, these guys are white guys. Basically white guys. Yeah, I was like, they're basically white guys I think they have white in them. Yeah That was that was how, you know, I had to get that in I was like girls can't do the army. You know, these guys are these jacked guys are white guys. You know the cool guys in this You know the guys who were dominating like they were actually white That's why they're jacked. That's I was laughing. I was like because to do the mongolians and Mulan are fucking enormous

But I was like, ah, that must have just like white guys Yeah, you're going through like whenever that was When they go through, uh, when the mongolians do that genghis Khan genghis Khan the gang 12 100 80 no 1200 was that BC 80 80. Yeah, no doubt. Yeah mongolians came in my guys Actually that fight song Strengthens my theory. I I uh flowed it by you. What's that under the lights When you're saying the Notre Dame's fight song is our daughter son's and daughter's

Yeah, go marching towards victory. It's a war song. Yeah, that was my theory. Oh, yes. Sports come from Yeah, I mean football is very warlike, dude. Yeah, you run a blitz, but that's what the losses of that sack Yeah, that's all war. That's the emotional component of the loss. It's yeah Oh, all our fucking daughters and wives are dead and raped. Yep Because Notre Dame lost to Cincinnati the Buckeyes came and fucking just Buckeyes Yeah, they're gonna squeal Notre Dame's gonna squeal week one, dude. The Buckeyes. Oh my god. I'm gonna be there and I'm gonna be sad Yeah, I would stink. I saw speaking of girls in war

saw the new top gun Pretty tight. How was it? But one of the one of the sick pilots is a babe. Nice kind of pissed me off Yeah, that's all that's the future. I saw it. I was like, no, uh That's not true. The pilots of babe. Yeah Look at that. How many female fighter pilots are there? Yeah, we gotta just spell that I'm gonna shut that down right now. I mean, here's here's here's the here's the million dollar question What kind of future do you want for our kids? One where we have no guns and all the fucking heroes and movies are girls or where there's a couple

Massive shootings a week Yeah, and you know and we get guys in movies We get cool guys in movies not girls. No, we don't want that You see uh That's what happens. They're gonna take all of our guns. Do you want to get fired up again? The marines posted a pride picture? Did they? Did bullets Rainbow colored bullets and a helmet Hell yeah, dude

Gay guys in the marines. Yeah, it's probably I thought I I always thought like most of them were gay anyway I thought the marines are more like priests or like 85% of oh, it's the navy aren't them. Oh, yeah, the marines are what I assumed all the trips are gay This says here that uh There are only 103 female fighter pilots across the u.s. Air force and then there's article right here by military dot com That says five female sailors so badass. You can't even Fuck from military.com military.com. It's the first article to cave up. Why are they doing that? Yeah, what is that about?

I can't even I'm pretty sure I could even I'm pretty sure I can handle that information. What I know and just keep clearing my throat This says uh commander becky hadler maverick who? Becky hadler is a navy commander and she's the first aviator For navy strike fighter tactics instructor program known as top gun Oh, shit. There are ladies in there. I guess so becky hadler The movie was accurate and I'm just a fucking sexist and then the end says say it with me bad ass in all caps What the fuck is this? Is that real dude? Is that from military?

It's military dot com that can't be a real That's the government dude. No, wouldn't it be dot gov? Good point It's just a fucking weirdo dude psycho Yeah, that sucks. That's a bad idea for a website. I agree. There's some guy being like Sorry women are beating people's head. Look at this kick-ass woman bombing and shooting a guy Starting the website military.com and being like, all right. We got to move with the time It's just a blog about the military in general. I'm like, we need some fucking female positive news

Yeah, all these are like three bad ass women in the coast guard Getting to know the first black navy seal black female pilot Broke barriers. It's like all these articles are really the same thing. Yeah, dude. That's it works though. That shit sells Yeah, yes, true. Those will get shared All right, sure Do you see the lesbian flag? No, I never knew it was a different flag. They got a lesbian flag. Yeah, I saw it There's down in the lobby It's like four shade you the original one was like a bunch of shades of pink

Dude, the lesbian flag is fucking lit. It's a flannel now the Softball cross The new lgbt with the ukraine colors on it, they put the ukraine colors on the lgbt flag Really? They need to explain Intersex agender flags tight. What's that one? It looks it was nice black white and green like that the bottom middle. That's pretty that's actually pretty nice I think they stole that from like I think like in african province. We go on lgbtq plus progress

That's a nice flag. What's plus progress? top one middle that's the lesbian flag The middle one the one right top right is lesbian. Yeah. Yeah. What's the other one? What the fuck is that plus pro oh, that's like social progress. That's like Damn trans flags are sick too. What's a trans flag? It's just the pink Tight, that's nice, man. I'd need flags true Oh pink pink line flag

That's nice nasty Just just for lesbians gay people. Yeah It's stealing like the black lives matter thing and making it about blue lives. That's the blue lives matters, right? But yeah, yeah, they blue line. Yeah, but they started popping those flags up in response Oh, for sure. I didn't see those flags really then blue lines. Yeah until after true Yeah, that was that was like, yeah, well, we got flag too. Well, that was after the all lives matter Someone was sitting there. It was just like

dude What about all and they were like, dude, write that down now That was such a funny response to black lives matter. Like, yeah. Well, I mean, yeah, they were all lives Why don't you guys shut up? Could you guys shut the fuck up That's such a funny it is funny to get activated to be chilling and it's just like Although I've been activated. I get activated Yeah, I mean

Yes, when I did when I'm watching I'm working on it when I'm watching Netflix and I see like When I know what's going to happen next because I'm like, this is following like the yeah, whatever I just go. Oh man. Just it's a bummer. It's like man. All right. Come on. Write something fun. Write something original Yeah, but we're artists. We can write something original. True. You write original stuff. I try You're an author. I try I'm an author I hope you stick your head in an oven I should you should plath out. I gotta fucking put the put the towels down, dude See my head in my electric oven and just boil my face. Yeah

Oh boy guys, this is podcasting. This is podcasting 101. This is podcasting 101, dude Step one, don't sleep for two days. Yeah, neither of you sleep be hung over. Have a kid. Have a kid Three days ago How do you feel about that? I feel good, dude. It feels nice. The first one you're like What the fuck? This is crazy. The second one is literally just like All right Yeah, toss another one in the home in two days. It is kind of nuts because like literally my night now

I was waking up every night like Three times a night just for Maya. Yeah, and now it's like I'll put Maya down and then The other baby sleeps in our room and as soon as my they're like on alternate schedules So then the bit like literally the baby will sound off So it's just alternating. I just don't sleep. I can't you can't like it's impossible. You need a nanny True an overnight nanny. Yes Get the guard dog. Yeah, but you're not doing shit overnight nanny Yeah, you can do that. I'll do three

But then it's like then you got the super star lurking. Yeah, dude, man. He did man, nanny Or I'm in the or it's like I'm in the bed. I'm sleeping Nanny comes in to get the baby and like she might catch a glimpse She might fucking ravage me. She might throw the baby down fucking ravage me, dude That's one way people lose babies too. True horny fucking nanny. It's just Dropping everything on this just to get to it. Just as he had tiny bulge in my sheets. She's a tiny bulge in my sheets She's like what the fuck? Holy shit, dude. Yeah, I never saw someone. I never seen someone almost fill out the medium sheets, dude. They look so nice

Yeah, no, I'm just I'm just charged dude. I just I go down every morning I feel so tired like I'm swimming in my head and then I just fucking pound coffee And then I'm just like let's watch incanto and I just sit there and recite the words to incanto like a psycho That's fun. Do you like watching the kid? I know you like watching that shit I've seen incanto 45 times and every time I watch I'm like nice toss it on But yeah, other than that, dude, it's like Yeah, it's just you're you're fucking it's gonna be so hard to find good kids movies Pixar's decent sucks when the kid doesn't like it

It sucks when you watch this is my favorite one from when I was a kid and they'll just be like put on they do Paw Patrol right now. Yeah, and it's the same thing over and over where I was watching puppy dog pal First it was fucking cocoa melon, which is fucked up. That's a fucked up show. It's bad for kids It's like it just like flood You know they for some reason they advertise it towards like babies And like it you're like oh you know your little kid can watch this but it like apparently floods them with like sensory overload So they'll produce it's like if you gave a kid like a drug like they'll start producing like a ton of dopamine They're getting like super stimulated from all the colors

And then you turn it off and they fucking freak out. Yeah, they'll spaz and like cry They've done they've like starting to look into this now of like what babies can hand it was like it's unprecedented No one ever had like that level of animation and like color and detail and they have these dudes like studying it Dude, if you turn on what if that's the autism Yeah, yeah, I mean I think I think that's more of like people fucking taking advantage of the autism What do you mean? I don't or no never mind because I yeah, no there was a uh, what's the shit in Roundup. Sorry. That was the dollar

Trying to figure out what you meant. I meant like people just being like just seeing that kids are autistic and being like We got something nice for them So I don't think it would cause autism I think there's there they did a study with One of the things that lines up with autism pretty good because there's a ton of people saying like this is autism This creates it the uh, what's the shit? What's it called guard? Look it up the uh stuff in roundup I forget the name of it, but it's in like everything we eat Whereas in every single thing we eat it's called um, glycophates

That's in literally every all the food Really and apparently like when they introduced glycophates to farming around I think the 1940s or so Like dude like it like it's apparently if you look at a graph. It's just spikes up with it It's fucked up And they they still put it in everything. Yeah, it's pretty shitty I think yeah, we gotta look into that. We gotta look into that. It's pretty bad. Yeah I mean there's like barrels and barrels of a weird chemical. They don't I mean dude. It's pretty crazy Like they set up the world set. We're rocking on a setup from like

1920 They're like, you know, I don't know. I saw an old man griping about like styrofoam cups being illegal And I was like Toxic dude, maybe maybe we can give a different cup, dude. We'll be fine different colors This is great That's good. I like boxed water. I do too. It makes me feel good. I do well people dude people get really uh That's the thing they get the straws they go like Yeah, it's like dude. What if one day there's straws everywhere, dude

That's pretty much what we're charting towards. Yeah straws everywhere. Yeah, there's gonna be a lot of straws a lot of cups Dude, fuck that shit, dude But yes, what'd you say? It's pride week. Don't say that Dude, you're newfound famous. You're not doing well. You're not doing well with it. You're talking about shopping bags They just banned them in jersey. So it's thinking about That does fucking piss me off, dude My gas station got a fucking paper bag. I love it. Give me those

You gotta do the shirt trick dude. I'm a secret. I've been a secret You're just trying to show your abs, dude. Yo, bro Fuck what the fuck dude already just showed me his dick off Just after he said the godini weenie guys Yeah, I have a secret environmentalist. I'm for getting rid of all of that stuff. I hate fucking. I hate all that stuff Yeah, it's like dude. Just think of another thing to carry your crap in It's stupid crap for the most part that you don't need and you're like, no, I want a different cup

It's like dude, you can't have it different cup. They they made these cups in 1910 and they're poisonous Literally, they're poisoning you and you're like give me this fucking it's like it sucks It's the worst cup you can have styrofoam cups stink. I don't like them. They're bad. Yeah, styrofoam is utterly poisonous Yeah, you burn styrofoam It's utterly poisonous and people are so retarded That they're like, oh, what's next you're gonna say? It's like it's the poison cup that you've been drinking because you're an unconscious retard Sorry, they took it from you finally Damn

I hate styrofoam clubs, dude Yeah, I never liked them. God. Did fire styrofoam food container. It's like I know I'm eating some of this eating some of this I just don't like the I don't like how light it is I don't trust it pisses me off. I don't trust it you get towards the end You're almost done with your sandwich out of the foam. Yeah, dude wind picks up You're losing your whole trade. True. I didn't realize how light it was till I picked up the sandwich and ate all the french fries That stinks Well, the worst is when you get your breakfast and you see it burnt into the styrofoam you go. Thanks guys. Yeah, thanks guys

How much of that am I eating? You're fucking. Thanks guys get new cups get a different fucking thing to put food in But yeah, I mean dude again People will say oh shut up. You're a pussy blah blah blah, but who tells you that About styrofoam every all that stuff If you tell you to shut up Dude, the majority of the planet if you're to be like, I don't know Maybe you should use different straws like the whole fucking work is good. It's like you're right, but They do not work. The problem with the straws was it never goes away. We've got bigger fish to fry

So it was annoying that all of a sudden everyone was like, yeah Straws are killing turtles. Yeah, it was like shut the fuck up about turtles, dude I like turtles too. I like turtles as much as the next guy. Sure for sure probably more than most guys Well, here's this is the conundrum So for some reason dude We're having people I'll get excited to see turtles. I did you don't have to tell me You know, I mean like anytime I'm watching a nature documentary if they cut to one of the guys just by himself Those giant sea turtles just out in the middle of the ocean. It's fun to look at. They're awesome, dude

It's fun to see them having fun by themselves spin back the archives. You'll see me in my turtle rescue shirt Oh, nice. I gave it away. Finally. I had to play 10 years. I gave it away. I'm sorry, dude. Sorry. Well, that's the problem, dude Pardon me, man. We're gonna have to make it another 100 years On a setup and I get it. I get it a lot of my enemies Hate the stuff that you know, we're all gonna be crying about all this stuff But we're gonna make it for 100 years. How do people not go into places and shoot up people in malls And the only thing anybody looked into the pharmaceutical ship Yes, that apparently that lines up pretty well with it as well

Allegedly, apparently allegedly If they started putting kids on fucking Ritalin and Xanax probably in the 90s That's what I want. I want to see how many people in like 1930 were going in with like bolt action rifles and shooting people in public Not really That's what I'm curious about It was very rare dude in the 70s hit up Texas In the guy that said with like a six shot pistol rifle and went up in the bell tower in Austin Yeah, okay. Oh, I remember hearing about that. Was he really? Yeah, he was fucking hitting people

Dude, speaking of that. I watched a kennedy documentary. Mm-hmm. You know, they killed him. Oh, yeah, for sure You know, it wasn't You know, it wasn't Lee Harvey Oswell. Really? Yeah They got him. It was somebody else One person or a couple. I don't know. I heard of Woody Harrelson's dad Woody Harrelson's dad had a lot. No, it was uh, Ted Cruz's dad had a lot Ted Cruz's dad? Yeah, what? Yeah, he was there. He's shot JFK, but Now I got hit in the front

He got shot in the throat and the head from the front. Yeah Lee Harvey was behind I mean, dude, it's crap dude. Look it up. Arlen Specter needs to answer for what he fucking did You know, I painted his estate, dude, you know, I painted his estate really bro that dude He's dead obviously, but me and spud painted that dude's Estate they got paid somehow, dude. Yeah, that place was crazy full maid service everything. Yeah That was what the place we're at when the fucking me and spud were painting and they were like having a party and they were like I thought this wouldn't I didn't know this would smell this bad

I'm like, yeah, we're using oil paint and the lady came in while we're standing there to spray us Just started spraying perfume around the wall like you imagine if you're spraying perfume and there's like a human being You'd be like, oh shit. They would be like It's like right in our face. What the fuck? Well, they covered up killing JFK. Yeah. Well, yeah, that's true I mean if you're that rich you must really see people who aren't that rich and be like Yeah, that's how garden dog treats people. You should see him in healing Should see him in healing really walking. He literally walked into people. He would let me be like, oh, I didn't see you Keep walking. It's like, holy shit, dude

You talk weird lies Uh, yeah, it's fucked up. It is we're at it. We're at a tough point right now Yeah, how do you make people not shoot people in malls? Stop giving kids pharmaceuticals What happens in my opinion? Yeah, or if you're walking down the street and there's just like 5,000 gay dudes, how do you not go like this fucking traffic? It's fucking shit sucks So you say how do you not be homophobic? Not homophobic, but just be more a little more annoyed that it's a gay parade causing you traffic

Just there's a tad. There's a teeny bit. Yeah, it is a because then you start you think about it. You're like, why? Yeah, because you guys fuck That's what I started on the way down here. I was kind of like, you know sports team winning I I get sports team wins important, but it's just like sucking and fucking Cheezing it's like, all right, dude. Come on, man. Go have sex But I get it people. They got bullied pretty hard people got bullied and now Dancing in the street saying they're dancing in the end. They are dancing in the end A little they are dancing in the end zone right now. Good for them for that. Honestly, it's true

It's true from celebrating dude. Don't let them score. Don't let them in the end zone. True. They scored already True. They're allowed to dance. I might have to go on grinder and become a total time-waster Yeah, that's a good thing. Just show up and be like, yeah, dude. I'm out with that. Shit. I'm fucking too bad coffee by yourself I'm gonna keep you better watch out those pictures of your abs for safe keeping Time waves you might find yourself too deep You be getting coffee. No, I don't care. I just I get grumpy when I have any sleep. I get caught. It's okay I like got grumpy. I was like thinking you got homophobic because you didn't Why are they even out here? I was just driving is being like, it was more of just like, come on with this

Well, you knock it off today Oh, dude, it's everywhere. It's everywhere. No, there's what I was thinking about I was driving and this this is a thing that actually got me. I was driving And I saw a lot of hetero dudes I am these guys had them in hetero dudes with girlfriends walking hand-in-hand down to it I assume is pride parade going on and just being like, dude Imagine being a het sis male and getting dragged down a gay parade with your girlfriend. I heard it's fun I mean, yeah, I think a parade's fucking fun, dude. Maybe

Gay dudes go hard. They go. I mean they go hard. They have fun. They go hard as hell There's nothing gay about that. No, that's not good. I'm not saying it's gay. I'm saying they party didn't have fun They party gay stuff That's the one who does gay stuff. It's really relaxing. Although I think I I think I You know Showed extreme fucking tranquility from getting my hat smacked off my head And not spazzing my body spazmed my heart rate went up to like a million Yeah, I mean if that guy were not as big I probably would have reacted differently pushed him down

I might now I probably wouldn't have honestly How do you get smacked? How do you get your hat smacked off, dude? Thank you, sir. Can I have a fucking other? Yeah, I don't give a fuck dude. You look good Do it again, dude. Do you think I give a fuck? True smack my head off in front of 40 fucking gay dudes, dude True the gay dudes are probably like they probably snickered behind your back, dude. Oh, they might have thought I was fucking I should have went full like what the hell yeah, true guys help. Yeah, that would have been tight That would have been tight. They would have formed up dude. I mean, dude. I formation dude I'm not gonna lie. I was kind of happy walking around knowing I looked straight as hell

I was kind of in my don't think I look straight as hell. No Am I babysitting? Guys today's episode. What's it brought to you by that change episode mountain chain secret podcast is brought to you by Manscaped yes Father's Day What do they got it's father's day coming up. I think I want to get a bluetooth boombox for father's day. I'm manscaped No, don't get that get manscaped Sorry riff on father's day gifts. Would dad like manscaped?

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That shit was nice. It's nice. I enjoy it. Yeah, I like it. I use that stuff Also, yeah, we got to get your dad's pubes down my dad's pubes are I saw him last summer. What? I saw him naked remember when at the fucking in florida. No, I was downstairs He was staying in that room downstairs. Yeah, he just walked out ass naked and you didn't tell me that go into the bathroom Well, as he walked out, what's the pubes on by the front door ass naked It was crazy. I think he was trying to get some of the boys. He was with the boys and unfortunately it was just me I think he was trying to get one of you. What kind of bush is he working with?

Not crazy. Really? Yeah, he's not that hairy. Ah, true. Yeah I mean, but I mean he and I have similar penises. That was something I did. Oh, that's pretty tight. Yeah Similar bodies and the way he was walking his dog. Yeah, I was like that. It looks like me a little nice But I was also like, what the fuck are you doing? What the fuck are you doing? He was like, what? Just walked into the bathroom dude. That's so tight. He holds down like that. He held it down like that I think you I could tell he was embarrassed. I don't know what the fuck he thought He could walk from his bedroom to the bathroom locker room. There's a fucking first floor in the living room with the boys

Ass naked. Yeah, he's locker room with the boys My dad might be a pride week. Do you think that was a prideful fucking move that is prideful Now your turn you get an easy one. Hell yeah, dude What do you like about lucy and how do you use it? I love it because I'm addicted. What are your favorite flavors? I'm a bit of a mango man myself. That's pride. That is prideful. I'm prideful mango Well, check out the full line Lucy's nicotine. By the way, check out the full line of products at lucy.co

Use promo code drenched at checkout. That's lucy.co pride. The pride's in summertime because pride comes before the fall Also, that was a that's pretty good, dude. That's that's a seasonal gay joke. That's fantastic. Also, too Maybe you know, how do I come up with this shit? That was a lot of guys wouldn't be able to function Living my lifestyle. Please do that. Papa John's getting hammered every fucking night And then still being like I got it Oh, they should montage that weekend with that. Please do that tonight. Please start off with that of your show Terrible not that funny Guys, that's lucy

lucy.co lucy.co use promo code drenched at checkout be sure to use our promo code drenched If you're a listener for canada, fuck you lucy is now available at ca.lucy.co Warning this product contains nicotine nicotine is an addictive chemical. Also, if you're from canada, you know what you gotta do Canada it's time Well, it's yeah, it's like nicotine you chew on or put in your mouth. Yeah, it's good your drugs It is future drugs. It's future drugs Yeah, absolute fucking future drugs. Yeah, man. That's gonna be switch. We should probably switch over to the page. Where are we at? We got an hour

Thank fucking god That's fucking close. I told my wife this was important. Don't make me wrong. Yeah, I'm at the brea Brea improv this weekend the 9th 10th and 11th. So la people, please come out. That's not sold out and it's hurting my feelings Really? Yeah, and then I'm on the road with a bunch of comedians for the Burt krasher fully loaded tour That'll be a it's gonna be a tough month. Yeah, you're gonna dude. I'm gonna drink Get into like fucking a kava kava. No, I'm just gonna keep trying. Do you think so? Yeah, don't you feel terrible? Yeah The hangovers are crazy dude. I tried that one night and I was fucking devastated all day. Yeah, although

It's funny. I didn't have so much. Yeah, that's the big although you're such a crab when I'm hungover I was just walking the whole time moving like Yeah, that was funny. That was funny. The worst is when you get shit faced and it's like a shitty night Then you wake up hungover and you're like, oh, fuck. I got in a fight with someone Yeah, that's thanks or you swatched your kid or you've laid on couch and crushed Smashed a kid didn't happen in sopranos didn't one of them like didn't he get hammered and smash a dog or something? Yeah, yeah, Christopher sits on adreon's dog. He's on harrowing He smashes her dog

Um, all right, let's switch over to the patreon. Please join our patreon so you can look we're gonna pick it up That was nothing. That was nothing. The patreon will be better. Oh, it's gonna be crazy It will for sure for sure. It's a guarantee 100% all right. God bless you