Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 401 - Home Of The Free

Episode Date: July 6, 2022

Support the D.A.W.G.Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod Buy Merch @ mssecretpodcast.com/merch shanemgillis.com For the land of the Brave and the home of the Free. The D.A.W.G.Z. are back fresh off of Indep...endence Day celebrations with a pipin' hot ep. We discuss Shane's sorrows, rollerblading away from disaster, chillren, and much much more. Please enjoy.  Support the show by going to sheathunderwear.com and use promo code DRENCHED to get 20% off your first order.

Transcript
Discussion (0)
Starting point is 00:00:00 Yes, dude, we're here. Yeah, we're here. I'm sitting up straight because I just wanted the chiropractor Really? Yeah, all my problems come from the fact that I sit like slumped and then it pinches out my upper back Really? Yeah, I gotta fucking remember the Brueger method? I slid from the Brueger method You keep your I think that's what it's called You keep your lower back just fucking like sucked in like that and it keeps the spine straight because if you Hunch you end up paying for it up here when you hunch the lower back you pay for it in the upper back Would you think it would you even imagine it? No? Yeah, exactly. I feel like I never even thought that like a dumbass I went to the chiropractor two years later the guy told me the same exact thing. I was like, oh, yeah, I forgot
Starting point is 00:00:37 Yeah, I can't work my fucking back. I'm a dumbass sure. I can't work this simple machinery known as a back Without causing myself immense pain in the upper thoracic area How you feeling I feel good me to like a young fighter. Do you really yeah, I feel like I'm a prime You're an SR Essentially, yes, although I've been popping them off dude. I've been dropping asses the cup of Hermes Is how how full is a cup of Hermes right now two days? That's basically half way full four days. You have a full cup. I have one more day to one more day until my woman returns I'll probably retain the seed for her really. Yeah hit her with a three-dayer. I'm gonna hit her with a solid three-day
Starting point is 00:01:18 We're gonna give her the party weekend. Yeah. Oh my god Do all for the July weekend, I'm gonna give you the fourth of July seeds You're gonna give her the fireworks. Yes, the two fire now. It's time for the real fireworks That's gonna be nice a real launch across my girlfriend. That's gonna be nice when you finally ejaculate It's gonna feel so much better when you do it so long since I've laid with a woman Yeah, man, when you do with another person, it's a whole different thing Even if you're just masturbating and she's sucking your nipples cuz you begged Sex life is me masturbating be like can you just please suck my nipples? That's pretty fucking good. It's very nice, dude
Starting point is 00:01:56 Yeah, I can imagine it's a serious hack Any girl can wiggle out of a blowjob, but if you like can you just suck my nipples? They're like, okay, fine Okay, fine. Damn, dude. It's no real deal. It's got to be a little disappointing for her though I'm like, yeah, my husband's like a fucking freak But like not a good not like he really fucks me hard any of that. It's like no, he's like a weird He squirms. I suck his nipples. Dude, you ever your nipple suck while you're jerking off? No, well, not well It's basically getting late. It is getting late. It's getting late for sure. It is
Starting point is 00:02:32 Yes Sensitially, that's a fucking wild sex act. That's like more sinful than most sex acts For real, that's bad Dude, that's gay release. That's bad. No way. There's a sweet release I'm thinking about it and I would like it. You don't think you don't think I want that I don't think I would have been doing that stuff Like seeing them I like feeling or get creative on it too because they switch it up on you Oh, you'll start feeling it. They heard it. Dude. It's I'm telling you
Starting point is 00:03:03 They're like a seventh grader on the clitoris or like, what do I even do guys nipples? They have no clue Give it a shot, lady. They start getting creative. I swear to God I'm gonna take one of those fucking like six inch hairs Pull one of those out of me. There's some of those things here Dude, I got four chest hairs and she's against all of them You need to let them stand did my my chest there. It's coming in nice. Really? It's coming. I'm well I mean, it's still like a patch of cubes. It looks terrible still, but it's good Do you have like a like a focal point right here? Yeah, lucky right in between. I just have random nipple hairs, dude
Starting point is 00:03:33 Still I need permission from Lewis J. I don't think I'm gonna get it. So fuck it I'm just gonna tell you the story last night. You gonna beg for forgiveness later. Yeah, if he doesn't Whatever We don't have to it's nothing bad. I'm sure they've talked about it publicly before it's I've never heard this we're sitting out we were sitting up on Ari's deck last night and You know, it's right after the fireworks the firework display from Ari's roof is Sick, it's as cool as it gets and I was sitting up there while I was watching the fireworks I was like it was actually like a I was getting
Starting point is 00:04:06 In I was deep in thought I was like yeah America fine And then Jay who didn't climb up the ladder started playing like Me so horny on the music and I realized I was gay for Looking at the fireworks and be like man America. You're having a peak experience. Yeah, I was having a nice experience Anyway, we get down. We're sitting down. We're all talking having a good time And then we noticed you can see the Freedom Tower. We're like damn. I can't believe they tried to 9-11 us bullshit pieces of shit And then I know you're talking about drop to this bomb. He said Lewis Gomez because we were all talking about people's experiences that were in the city during 9-11 like Justin Silver was there
Starting point is 00:04:45 He was like, yeah, my girlfriend showed up covered in ash. I told her to Some girl he was fucking showed up to like banged on his door That's how he found out about 9-11 and he woke up and the girl he was with was covered in fucking Dust from the towers. Really? Yeah, he was like be gone. I don't think we were making fun of him saying he kicked her out Yeah, true. I don't think he did kick her out. You look like a coal miner. Get out. Get out of here. You know You're coming in cancer So we get to Jay just goes yeah Lewis Jay Gomez Rollerbladed it out of the city on 9-11. What?
Starting point is 00:05:23 This this brought on about two straight hours of crying laughing dude Lewis Jay Gomez was That then we called him to get the story. He was at the he was at a hotel He lived I think at the Chelsea Hotel, which was a fucking dump. That's where it down and when 9-11 happened He decided to rollerblade to Rockaway New York, which is reading goodbye. It was a complete dude It's the longest fucking trek It's so long. He rollerbladed across the George Washington Bridge On 9-11 rollerbladed
Starting point is 00:06:02 And he was fatter back then he was a big guy back then Lip ring fat dude rollerblading out of 9-11 from dude across the George Washington Bridge We were like how long is that fucking thing I googled it. They were like at the time It was built as the longest bridge on earth. I mean everything is the funniest thing. He got across And then that's nothing Rockway's 30 miles. What it's literally like Further than Levity live from here that confirms my theory that Lewis Jay's the streets of rage character It's
Starting point is 00:06:35 9-11 I gotta get out of here Rollerblading was you already strapped up. I don't know that was that was the debate because there was rumors that he was Rollerblading while 9-11 happened and he was just like I'm out and turn around turns out. No, he put he strapped up He saw he saw the smoke and said Something something made right. I got to get out of the city Now it's time for a fucking six-hour journey That's like 25,000 calories. It's the craziest thing I've ever heard and then I was thinking like There had to be fire trucks coming in on the George Washington Bridge that one of the last things some of those heroes saw
Starting point is 00:07:16 Yeah, it was a fat Puerto Rican dude Rollerblading out of the city. I mean there's got to be when they do like code red code orange It must have been like that's code orange. That's a bad problem. The reacons put on the blades It's like Fucking rollerblading and also one of the guys one of the firefighters thoughts had one of the last thoughts one of those guys had to have was like Yeah, so that was that was about two hours of laughing last night. It's very funny. That was giggle time, dude How'd he get back?
Starting point is 00:07:46 Did he put him around his neck? I don't know. I don't know you know He went to his parent or somebody's house. Really think his house or somebody sister's house somewhere Damn, his bug out bags just rollerblades bug out bag was rollerblades Jesus Christ and then you know, there's no phones. He had to rollerblade for five hours and then show up We're laughing so hard at that fucking first glass of water. He had Five hours later Yeah, another plane hit You might have seen it from the bridge which would have been fucking crazy
Starting point is 00:08:25 How how nice is that if he did go to his kids house or like oh my god I wonder if he's okay, and you see him rollerblading over the horizon. You're like, thank God. Yeah, you're like, thank God Well, he had no reason He told him the enemy was coming Damn, that's awesome. That's a good fact to know about him Yeah, and then we just told they just told stories about him for hours and it's he's the funniest He is the funniest dude of all time. He's a lead dude. He's the funniest dude of all time That's a peak experience rollerblading away from 911. I'm waiting out of 911 as much as it sucked for all those people who died and lost
Starting point is 00:09:01 loved ones Getting the rollerblade away from that was probably pretty sick for him having like a real like I got like a die He had a diehard for Fucking I don't know what he has nobody. There's the worst idea. I've ever heard he was Louis J. Willis dude. He fucking he He said the rumble strips were rattling his bones. He was on the side of the highway the whole way That's your blade on the side of the highway the whole way That's scary. You know how hard it is to get up to the George Washington Bridge the ramps. I can't imagine I Couldn't imagine it how steep the fucking ramps are like and they're
Starting point is 00:09:34 It's like a mile that's crazy spiral uphill that he rollerbladed on He he probably that's free. Yeah, it's free on 911, dude, please. Yeah, it's really probably raised the toll I didn't say guys get in or out. We got something you're gonna take it from that Like check the date. You're like mother fucker, dude. Yeah, hit you on 911. Oh Justin said he had footage of it He said he was filming from his roof and he was like I've never watched it since I was like make sure you save that Yeah, that's like important. It's priceless. He's like why is it important everybody? I was like dude just If your grandpa had footage of fucking Pearl Harbor, you'd be like, yeah, I want to know that. Yeah
Starting point is 00:10:14 Does he still have it? He says he does we I'm gonna check in on him today So you better not have been fucking lying to me on the roof. That's true If you're lying to me, I'm gonna be pissed. You didn't film shit, dude. You didn't film anything That's good to know about Louis J. Yeah, so you should do an annual Lewis J rollerblade-a-thon No one could do that true Last night I was like, I would pay him money I would have to find out how much money it would cost for him to do it again and for me to film It's actually really dangerous what he did. I think everything was at standstill
Starting point is 00:10:46 But that's good. Yeah, did you ever walk across like a live bridge? No, I did in New Orleans, dude It's scary as fuck. Yeah, I got lost and new and new. Oh, dude in the fucking you got lost It was all for you to breathe, huh? It was all for you to breathe on I went through where basically juvenile around that area But it was wiped out dude in the floods. Oh, I told you that that fact warty. Yeah, well about that Wote comes from somebody who lives in your ward in New Orleans. Yeah, uh-huh. What warded juvenile living? He's not Magnolia projects. Is he what would you say you put a smile on? He's Magnolia, bro Oh, okay, he's Magnolia till I till we both so I got it correct. Yeah, he's made it. Yeah Yeah, I think that's nine. Is that Ward 9?
Starting point is 00:11:27 Third word third word. I think I was in the nine I was in the night. You're in the ninth vice. Yeah, so vice all the fucking Was that the one who got fucking leveled by Katrina the ninth ward? Yeah, that's what I had a I don't walk back to the ninth You'd walk through that swamp. I'd get back to the ninth dude to my wodies. What were your wodies up to? There was nothing remaining. It was it was literally like a camp for migrant workers which my brother found for us to stay at which is fucking weird and What we guys doing down there. We went to New Orleans to party Really like it was like two years after yeah, it still wasn't it was still fucked up
Starting point is 00:12:00 They had the X's on the houses from like how many people were inside It was really really really sad my brother was like, yo, I booked us a sick place We can like camp and then like go right into town now God camping in New Orleans sounds like it was crazy It was a crazy it now that I think I was like 24 And it was just they had found a lot that had gotten flooded and these like Korean dudes leveled it and laid gravel Even staying dude like staying in a nice hotel in New Orleans for like three days still sucks I bet like when you're fucking hammered like drinking those fucking hurricane things dude dirty city. I mean it's cool place
Starting point is 00:12:32 But I can't imagine getting shit-faced and then staying in a fucking tent It was like five miles from the fucking where we're supposed to be good It was too cold for a tense We all slept in a van together and like four dudes were sleeping a tent and there was these Michigan guys who started like they were migrant workers from Michigan who came down To like get in on all they're like the rebuilding action They're also like smoking cracking stuff, but they had a nice fire going they're probably ready to rebuild they were hit that crack Yeah, they were fucking put dude you hit the crack you they drive down to search for work hit the crack get out there
Starting point is 00:13:02 They're doing like power lines Katrina didn't stand a chance against those guys No, dude not at all crack from Michigan cleaning couldn't stop them and then us down there to party You guys down there to mess it up have fun. You got you guys thought that we're stimulating the economy You thought Katrina was bad here comes a real hurricane It's the McCusker brothers, dude It was staying in a van in a van the ninth Ward the only thing there It was McDonald's and then there was a wishy-washy across the street. Oh, no The guy I didn't pay to hit in vans and fucking wishy-washy and McDonald's
Starting point is 00:13:34 I didn't patronize and then heading into Bourbon Street. I wasn't that wasn't that paid to patronize it yet, dude I but I'm not putting that on you That would have been the one guy did it the one guy one of the guy at our party actually smoked crack and then went and fucking Patronized the wishy-washy crack with the Michiganders Yeah, he actually hit crack in a bathroom and then claimed he thought it was weed. It was like, right Right, bro Exactly where you would do crack New Orleans bathroom. Yeah, I was like, they don't smoke crack out of like ornate sick glass dude
Starting point is 00:14:01 You smoke crack out of a crack pipe It's whatever you want to come to wishy-washy or not. I was like, nah, I'm good Yeah, he went he went he smoked crack and then went Dude With all the boys he went with all the boys and he was so close to the wishy-washy We watched him walk over there and then we clocked him when he came back and like dude You were there for ten minutes. What's good? He was like, dude, she won reverse cowgirl like came it's That's fucking nice dude
Starting point is 00:14:30 That's really they're fighting for their lives dude They didn't see a single person then finally the migrant workers showed up and the one dude or one boy all crack Yeah, he rolled up and they're like finally the wishy-washy people imagine just getting leveled from a hurricane You're like, where's the clientele? It's just some white guy on crack and they're like jackpot hit him with the reverse cowgirl I'm gonna make this guy pop. Yeah, dude. She had it all saved up. This guy's about to pop He didn't stand a chance But yeah, dude hit the crack get the reverse. That's I mean, that's that's a decent night Smoke the crack in the bathroom get the reverse cowgirl
Starting point is 00:15:01 Not bad at all. I'll tell you what wasn't a great night for me What I did the barstool case race. Oh, yeah, I Haven't hated myself more than the next morning in a very very long Well, I mean obviously did exactly what we came to do which was win Yeah, drank as fast as I could as much as I could yeah, and then you know, how much did you win by chaos and soup? I think one really got down to the wire and I said Roan. I got these last three Sit back got three done. So we won That you fucking chugged the last three when they thought they had a game. Yeah, they thought yeah
Starting point is 00:15:42 They might have been tied or up one I haven't I haven't mustered the strength to rewatch it because of the shame and guilt But here's what the real funny part is what so You know got the face paint fighting dudes arguing yelling being a big mouth being a big shot Was it one on four or is me and run nice Yeah, and being arrogant not good everything. I hate I really I thought I was a good time guy Turns out I was you're in a competitive environment. I was it was competitive and it felt like they were you know Trying to gang up. They're gonna free dude. Yeah, that's what happens dude
Starting point is 00:16:21 I'm telling you I've moved on since but that took three days really that took three days of deleted social media In a tomb, bro. I'm sad my baby's gone my girlfriend. Yeah, just got off the tour Yeah, there's a big dump. You know, I mean a big Bob's eager sad. I was sad You're a secret dude. What do you mean? I was on the road again now. I'm home dude. You know the verse of that side which part like I like a cigarette and wonder I try to start a playlist of introspective badass songs and I got like three. I don't know any other ones Here I am I was introspective and badass I'm gonna change everything about my life. Oh god, everyone's right. I do suck
Starting point is 00:17:07 That was the problem is I like the next morning. I thought it was fun. I was like, Dan That was a fun fucking time. It was I I love those guys. I saw it. It's very aesthetically pleasing It was sitting there in face painting this blame No It's also a very funny thing to judge There's 15 people getting hammered and to watch that and be like that didn't exceed my expectations it took three days for us finally to be like actually It's corny or to sit there and be like fuck these guys like dude. We literally those were astronauts you witness dudes
Starting point is 00:17:42 Launching yeah, and you judge them dude. Those are the men in the arena. Yeah, we all agreed Let's get shit-faced for three hours on camera. Yeah, what else is funnier than that a lot of people don't like it And they're mad about it. Is that a whole show in of itself or is that like a like a specialty? That's what that show is called yak Is that a thing he does all the time because that is the second time they've done the case race Yeah, that's it not a very sustainable was like two or two and a half hours. It was a lot more fun This time they brought in me your D1 athlete. I'm a D1 athlete They can't take it. They can't they can take you off the grid. I don't notice the bucket hat
Starting point is 00:18:17 This is a good one. I mean, they can't take the grid. I was there. He's a ten-year NFL vet So, you know, there's two years on the other team. It was two D1 athletes. You have two basically NFL star Yeah, two NFL stars basically two. I mean, I yeah In three weeks D1 you should go to your Wikipedia and just say you played for like the Jaguars Just say you did the camp for the Jaguars. Well, now that's gonna happen Yeah Pro football player, but uh, could you walk on at the in the NFL? You'd have to bag groceries first and then get your shape from back
Starting point is 00:18:48 to pray a lot To pray dude, you're fucking like ten decades of the rosary away from walking on If you started bagging groceries and saying how Marys dude, you could definitely walk on if they were like run one sprint They'd be like you're cut They saw me try to run a break. Yeah, I would need a couple breaks. You need to pick real they Would suck dude. So here's the here's the part people don't know true the next morning. Obviously Devastated devastatingly hung over like this
Starting point is 00:19:19 This is after a month on the fucking road. This is after Burt tour and doing Rogan. What time is the case race though? 6 p.m. So when we start like started around six after it just lingered Okay, lingered around the office talking didn't keep the party going. I kept the party going a little Went out to the bar with Fidelberg fucking it was a nightmare dude. Oh my god. It was a nightmare So you got a drink. No, I was drinking water at the bar. That's sick got to the bar and I was in face paint like I get water The next morning I Had to go do a sit-down interview one-on-one with Andrew Yang. Oh
Starting point is 00:19:59 No, bro, I put the pieces together. This interview is gonna be the craziest-looking fucking thing on earth I'm dark red It's it's gonna be crazy looking. I'm dark red Hong-o out of my mind hung over. Oh, it's so sad. Oh Face-to-face did we sat in chairs face-to-face? In a hot room, it was hot, of course It was a small hot room with lights face-to-face. Oh and first thing we got to address SNL watch you say that about
Starting point is 00:20:36 Sit down you just went watch it. I mean I didn't even mean it You should like watch the clip from Barstool case race, dude. I was just what was the word? They was your two options. What Josh giving off. I was giving off Yeah, I was giving off and You got a big dude. I already addressed this yesterday on the case race I was just giving off and that I think still maybe like eyeliner in this interview dark red my face is dark red I mean it was you should have sprayed
Starting point is 00:21:13 Basically did there's like there's like weird like it was black around my eye. They give you makeup Real dark red in there. You should request just eyeliner or whatever you do press your full god. What? And then we just talked politics and I was like Yeah, Trump is bad, bro. I agree Andrew Yang by the way is the man he rules he fucking rules, but With that that interview I've been waiting for a long time to talk to him. Oh And I shit the bed, dude, you got fucking hammer that I showed up showed up in fucking face I didn't realize that was the day before that
Starting point is 00:21:55 Was the day before that a booking nightmare. That was a nightmare. That was a nightmare. And then you want to talk anxiety that fucking Uber home What the fuck am I doing cuz I was one I mean the case race. Yeah, I could see that but that gliding those two worlds is tough case race into the national spotlight Shifting gears All right, now it's time for me to sit down with a former presidential candidate. Here we go. Is he going again? He's gonna probably go again. I don't think he is really I think he's working on his own political party now the forward party good. Yeah, when the hell's he launching it?
Starting point is 00:22:29 I don't know Tell them to hurry up and launch that thing in your country's and fucking shambles country's stinks I hate reading that like the democracy is in a precarious situation It's like dude, I don't know. Yeah, I mean democracy with all these people sharing their opinions You don't like the fucking ruining the democracy. They're ruining the democracy. It's definitely not the lobbyists and corporations That's not it. Yeah, it's gotta be the people on Facebook It's got to be your aunt on Facebook ruining democracy putting them on peril Yeah, that stinks. You know the Russian memes. They're destroying democracy not the fucking lobbyist interview. I
Starting point is 00:23:04 Can I'll never watch it. I'll never watch the case race. I'll never watch that. This is a week That's one week dude. We all have weeks. I mean, it's pretty It's a pretty wild week It was totally intentional. Yeah, that's the thing like I decided to do that sober That's like this will be crazy. It's gonna be not this will be fun It is funny again from a meta perspective. That's the problem There's a huge Population that cannot adopt a meta perspective. They're ill-equipped. They're neurologically ill-equipped to adopt a meta perspective
Starting point is 00:23:35 And it's most of the country. I hate to say it dude fucking into that individuality is a recent phenomenon In the grand scheme of things. Yeah, like people to have a distinct identity is like maybe 2,500 years old 3,000 and it's still not everyone called on Yeah, most people are just kind of bumbling through life and they're just like give me a football team Give me a local union sticker to put on my car and it's like game over. That's me That's nice. I'm a steam-fitter and I like this team and it's just this is my I've adopted my parents
Starting point is 00:24:09 Spiritual and political views and it's just don't bring anything outside of that to my attention or I will freak the fuck out on you Like It is Yeah, it is because I was I was driving today and I saw a guy with the sticker It was like an Irish flag is like whatever stick It was like an Irish flag going into like a like an asphalt like it not an asphalt like a bricklayer thing Troth such a fucking elite a little fucking Such a fucking elite you are an elite. I never knew what things called
Starting point is 00:24:41 What's the thing called that you just get a little bit of spackle a trowel What's the bucket called the trough? That's what pigs eat trowel the little shovels called a trowel That's what I call my girlfriend's butt, dude That's the trough, dude. I can't wait to see her I'm gonna come out of the brush like a fucking feral hog, dude Yeah, so I've been down I've been down on myself quite a bit this week. Yeah awfully sad Then last night was I needed that one. I haven't hung out with the brothers. I stopped talking to everybody nice I haven't talked to any my friend. I haven't talked to you. I haven't talked to you need it, dude
Starting point is 00:25:24 A month of not talking to people you mean you need a fermentation period Everyone needs a fermentation period the fucking lie. They call depression is just fermentation Yeah, it's people brewing in their own greatness and then they emerge out of the other side. Thank you, but you know people got tricked You know when I was I was you'd like this. I've been listening to this book Uh, it's fucking carlin's book So he's like you wrote a book Dan carlin. Yeah, he was a couple. Yeah, this one's about like this one's called the end is always near or something
Starting point is 00:25:54 But I've only been listening. I've I bought it this week. I've been listening to it while I sleep, which is tough He's a tough one to listen to Does he know he's loud? Yeah. Yeah, he's like why what is that? He's pumped. It's loud. So it's tough to sleep too but He's been talking about how if you really think about it, uh Nearly every single generation in every society has been victims of child abuse
Starting point is 00:26:18 So the entire culture It was abused as children. Yeah, so obviously they were going to be fucking Wacked out of their fucking minds. Yeah, dude wild. This is the first time in a long time The last like 70 years The babies haven't been totally fucked with that's so fun and like slapped Yeah, and like hammered. They were just poor booze and shit in the kid's mouth. Yeah, mom would be drunk You weren't allowed to speak. They just put them outside. There were cultures that would just like fucking dude My uncle used to get tied to the porch. Yeah, beating your kid. Not like not like a not like a spank
Starting point is 00:26:53 Like for real, it was good to just beat the fuck out of your kid Dude, whenever I asked my I'm like, I wasn't talking about putting Maya down My mom's like, yeah, whenever like when I was younger My kevin and then my cousin neil like the old like the three oldest cousins on my mom's side My mom's like, I would lay in bed like this and just trap him with my legs And then until they eventually stopped kicking and screaming and they would fall asleep Like this I'll do that to my nephew now and it's so fun because they can't do anything
Starting point is 00:27:20 Dude, the fucked up part is you kind of have to overbill that's the thing too Because I like I don't want to beat the fuck out of my kids But you have to like there's times and you have to physically restrain them because they're just so wrong about what's going on Yeah, and they're just like And you're like you have to hold them down and they have to gas and they eventually just go It's fucked up dude, and then they wake up like They wake up and it's just it's just good vibes. They wake up and they're like, what's good. They completely don't remember They're just a little orb of energy dude. They're completely untethered like you have to like chisel them into people
Starting point is 00:27:51 It's fucked up It was talking about like some of the ancient. I mean Spartans Hilarious the biggest babies weak throw them off that fucking cliff all the time I mean leaving babies outside be like leave them outside. Let them get tough for the weather They just leave babies outside in the elements. I see obviously they die or get picked up by a dog. Oh for sure just They were property dude They were you had a kid and you're like, I can't wait to send this little fucker into the factory
Starting point is 00:28:18 Yeah, it's factory time like the beginning in like the early 1900s You're like sweet at least I can send this dumb ass in the factory. It's gonna be a dollar a day It was like six year olds You'd be like you got to start pulling your weight and they would be like falling like getting their arms ripped off into fucking Yeah, and yeah, it's crazy. Yeah, it's funny too because even in my family they don't let like little boys cry There's like four year olds and anytime they cry. There's like nine people be like, yo, don't cry Don't knock it off. Don't cry That's probably good though
Starting point is 00:28:42 Dude, my cousin one of my little it was like my cousin's kid He uh, he's the sweetest fucking kid. Is that why you cry? I'm a sensitive. I'm a sense of that I'm a sense of the type dude this little kid. That's why you have outbursts of like Oh dude big time. Yeah, I still like everyone's like don't cry. It's time to cry. I'm a sensitive Dude this little kid I was watching him. He finished some of his ice cream went here. You go dad I'm full you can have the rest of my ice cream and I was like, what a fucking sweetheart and I was telling his mama He's the sweetest kid and she was like Dude, we're at the beach recently and someone was
Starting point is 00:29:12 He's maybe eight years old and they're hitting him with a very effective move Calling him by his mother mother's maiden name rather than his actual last name So hit or chanting it at him hitting and he's like, that's not my last name. That's not my last name Finally fucking cried and they're like, dude, you can't cry about that and he's like mom. He hurt my heart He hurt my heart mom Damn, dude, so he did he's exactly correct. So right. They heard he was in tuned with reality That's exactly what happened Hitting you with your mother someone hit me my mother's maiden name five times. I think dude, you're hurting my heart
Starting point is 00:29:44 What you're doing right now? I'm like dad's the last name. You're making a fool of me. It hurts. So stop Stop it. I'm some bad's gonna happen You're not gonna like start every time me like you're not gonna like me when I'm angry I would just cry. I would just cry. I would cry You didn't think you were a fucking you didn't think you were wolverine or hawk Someone would get me going. I'd be like I would like strike out and kick ball and get ridiculed off my front lawn and run inside I'm like, the big shut up, man
Starting point is 00:30:22 Just run inside and then dude, it's funny. You just black out and you come back like what's up, bro You completely forget about you forget about it. Can I play again? Yeah Get in here You go from like your most of your young life is just like insane psychotic crying fits And you just come out of them and you're just kind of like you have to tone you get like hammered into toning that down And then your boss sends you an email and you're like 20 years later the arteries like 20 years later
Starting point is 00:30:54 I can't let anyone know how much this affects me Oh man, it's killing me inside Every day is a slow grind Yes, a body mind just went through a breakup Hurt my heart hurt his heart it hurt his heart was hurt and I could tell it hurt your heart and it hurt my heart It made me sad because I was like, dang there's nothing worse A breakup problem like a sad breakup. He said his girl was like I A month ago. I started this process. I'm moving out. I need to get all my stuff. My dad's coming tomorrow
Starting point is 00:31:29 I was like bro It's the worst. It's the worst going through a breakup because no one else cares Now everyone else is like, yes, so what? Yeah, get another one Shut up about it and you're like, you don't understand how much I loved her and this is it's her And then he brought up a fact. He was like she works at a bar And I know there's fucking dudes. Oh, yeah, that have been way. I'd be he's like I've been to the bar There's dudes that show up to try to hit on her and he's like tonight. I'm not with her. We just broke up
Starting point is 00:31:58 He's going back. Those dudes are going for it And I was like, bro, that's that's just a story. I'm so sorry, dude It's not a story in his head. I believed it. Wait, how old are they? Uh, she's young Yeah, release her to the fucking wolves, dude True release her to the wolves. I mean, of course She's a chambermaiden, dude. That's the callous way to look at it, but I've been there, brother Then I was like, I told it. I gave him the advice that I wish someone would give me when you're going through a breakup
Starting point is 00:32:29 Try your hardest not to do anything gay Because in a month you're gonna regret it so much, dude Don't send an email. You're mentally aware. You're way to you're wearing a Paris beret, dude Don't write a poem for two months. Don't fucking Yeah, don't drink. Don't drink because that's the problem. You'll get hammered. You'll be like, that's the long text You start pulling it out. See that's I I kind of disagree You hit the shots. I could hit I could hit the bar and be like Forget about her. Really? I could do that when I was going but then now you're staring down a hangover. That's what I'm saying
Starting point is 00:33:03 The next morning is when yes, you're right. I've never I've never gotten the like Analgesic effects of alcohol. It's just it's like a highway to me crying hard. I'm not gonna forget anything I'm gonna remember everything and be like I mean, I will say during the drinking You can that's the thing. So like I I've been through a The the big one when I broke up was sad. I was very sad Even though I I was the one who like initiated it for like a year that's sad But then finally when it came down to it, I was very sad
Starting point is 00:33:34 I could I could drink like I drank that night and I was like Fuck whatever. Look. Yeah, I don't need her. She's great. I wish her the best I woke up the next day like My baby It was like I threw away a fucking marriage for stand-up. Oh, fuck Yeah, and that was back when things weren't going great. That's tough. It's like this might not work. That's tough Now look at me, dude Had to be done the world had to be done. Everyone's gunning for me now
Starting point is 00:34:07 I'm trying to be drinking beers and stuff. Everyone's trying to make me chug beers all the time, dude No, I'm done. True. No more chugging beers. Hang the jersey, dude. Hang the jersey It's uh, immediately Sean Patton went on bonfire and challenged me to a fucking drink off and I was like for real I'm done. He's got to go through. Okay. Now you can set up like a mortal combat period. Somebody needs to get to me I am Goro. Yeah, somebody needs to get up to me. Yeah, you gotta fight I'm gonna yeah, we're gonna take it easy for a little while. Yeah. Yeah That's a tough thing which has been tough because this week I like I was like, all right, and I just happened to have fucking seven spots every night
Starting point is 00:34:45 So That's long dude. That's usually where you drink because two's long one's long arrive at 7 30 Leave at 1 30. Yeah, the whole time in between spots are just sitting at a bar Yeah, and and you're feeling good because you just did stand up. That's right. Oh, man. I'm on I'm the best Yeah, I'm so cool. That's where you have a bad set and you're like, fuck I gotta drink you down to my head. I gotta drink my way out of this But this week, yeah seven spots just about every night didn't drink Nice like one or two then just water
Starting point is 00:35:15 Not bad, which is doable. I can do it. So I'm happy about that one or two beers It's good for you according to the world health. One of two beers is good for you Yeah, no doubt in my mind although they found that a lot of the effects of having one or two beers Is just the fact that you're around other people and you're not alone So it's better if you'd have one or two beers a day and be around people then have no beers and just be alone all the time According to the world health organization alone is tough Yeah, I can get to some people. Yeah, you can get to people. I think I could spend a lot of time by myself I do. I actually do. Yeah, actually. No, I don't have never really always around motherfuckers
Starting point is 00:35:50 If you're outside, yeah, I guess so you're most constantly I can I can clock decent amount of days Very alone and I'll never get to do it pretty much ever again for very long time. Yeah, you're probably die. That'll be it. I'll die Towards the end you'll probably get old you and your wife will resent each other. Yeah They don't talk you just by yourself sitting in a recliner. I got dude. I got Hammered the other I was so my new tradition now is on Sundays Put the bed I put my eye to the nap and I'm like I'm gonna go chill. That's my chill time I drink my weed juice have it in the fridge. Yes. I went to my office and filled up like five liter bottles And I stashed him in my fridge. Yes. I finally was like went to my wife. I was like, I'm filling up weed juice
Starting point is 00:36:31 I'll be back. I kept trying to come up with a good excuse and I was like, no, I'm getting weed juice It was time to deal in reality and you did it was good I filled up all my weed juices Having the fridge so I chug a bunch of weed juice and I lay down and just go into basically probably a theta state No, I had a guess. Yeah, I just lay there and I don't really nap undoubtedly a theta state Don't nap. I was in a couple things last couple months, dude I can't yeah, I don't nap
Starting point is 00:36:53 But I disappear into like a realm of like incoherent thought that makes sense until I wake up actually I was meditating on uh I think platonism, which is like the like the ancient Greece It was like the early uh philosophy of the ancient Greeks, which is pretty sick There was matter and then there's the intelligence that forms matter and I just read that and I was like, whoa I wonder what that stuff is and I laid down into a theta state And I'm sitting there just like whoa, whoa all these cool thoughts that I never remember And it just dude I'm just having a good time, dude
Starting point is 00:37:23 Just thinking about goodness truth and beauty and all of a sudden it was just like You left the doggie bags in the laundry. It was like a meteor just coming into my consciousness and I was like I came out of it. It was like what? It was like the dog bags were in the laundry. They're all unraveled now just holds up to me. I go Whoa, dude. I was like man wait with shittin them. No, no, no Fuck dude, that'd be crazy. That would be fully deserved pocketed I like dude. I I left a decent amount of stuff. I left like a full vape pen in the laundry I like there's like there's a decent knapsack of stuff
Starting point is 00:37:56 Come on, dude, bro. Come on. I fucking I'm up to my ears and bullshit. Please don't grab my gears for this Please don't fuck with me on that. That's what you gotta tell you later. Oh, dude I can't stop in the laundry. Like look, there's gonna be stuff in the laundry sometimes That's what I told her. I was like, look, I do my best. That's gonna be stuff sometimes But I started laughing. I was like, dude, dude consciousness rules so hard I was basically played over two hours being like Wow, dude, the fucking newest just fucking comes and forms all this matter. That's so cool And I was thinking about how it was so tight, dude
Starting point is 00:38:23 I can't remember us thinking it was I was full play though. Just like this Oh, and all of a sudden it came screaming in so woman's conscious Sophia, dude came screaming into my consciousness And I was like woke up and like, oh man. Yeah, I'm thinking about goodness truth and beauty. You're all dog You're my you're about dog bags I'm so sorry, dude. I wish I could take you into my fucking realm Yeah, the babes aren't in that room. She shadows on the cave, dude. They'll they'll never be in there Shit, they're full shadows in the cave. I hate the fact that they can't rise to the sublime heights of pure thought with me But dude, I
Starting point is 00:39:04 See that's not a real concern They're plastic fucking dog bags. They can fold the vape cartridges. Yeah, I'll buy another one I was like, let me see if that works. Did I'll give her that reverse that if I'm like I Could do that. I can go girl brain I can be like nice now. I have something to fucking drill her on. Yes Uh, you left the dog bags in there. It's not a big deal I'm not mad. See how this works. I don't get mad about it. It doesn't work
Starting point is 00:39:31 That's just another thing that assaults great because it's like, yeah, but you don't care about that Therefore you can't bring enough because that we care about different stuff. I care about truth Goodness, it's true the beauty dude. Do you want to know the opposite of goodness? Truth and beauty last night tom tossed on one of his fucking Hellish faces of death. Come on, man. Stop that. I couldn't watch it. I was sitting there Of course not, dude And then I was then I was getting fucked up about I was like, this is the worst things In humanity it was it was like middle eastern fucking executions. Yeah, it was terrible
Starting point is 00:40:04 Now here's a question. He they got Tommy up here to field this one But what the fuck's going on the point of fire that up. I don't know I've been reading a lot about shadow. I was putting on cat videos. It's good. We're having a good that's goodness Truth and beauty cops singing the national anthem poorly It's just as funny as it gets red glare This is the funniest That's a thing you must find that your theta state that's you find the sickest shit to youtube I couldn't be funny. I don't know what the camera is painting and showing dudes trying to like holding the flag like
Starting point is 00:40:46 There's one where this dude obviously doesn't know the words he's saying he's like He closes with There's a big dude that's just staring at it like And then it cuts to this young dude who's for real dying like you can see he's like And then you can see him, you know, do that thing where you like swallow a laugh where you're just like, okay Chill the fuck out stop laughing and then he starts to try to sing along with the guy and then he's like the bomb's bombing He realizes the guy's singing the wrong lyrics and just starts dying again That might be the funniest thing in the world
Starting point is 00:41:38 Yeah, I'll give it to jay. He started during the fireworks. He started playing like roseanne's national anthem Like the worst the worst national anthems. I was just one of them. It was so I wanted to get back to that Where is he getting the me so horny from that's a classic fucking there's I don't want to put dirt on his name. There's there's a tough ladder to get up to the roof So he did the best thing possible, which was i'm not even gonna risk trying to climb that ladder I'm gonna sit down here and ruin it for everybody that did climb the ladder That's an extra move. It was if I had to give it up to him. I was like, that's really funny As above so below big beats
Starting point is 00:42:12 I mean, yeah, that was a demon reaching up. Like if I can't have it, no one can He was in 80s and he reached out. It was he was right in the end. He was right He did ruin an incredible fireworks display with songs that were like Yeah ass entities That rules Yeah He might be the bejeweled crab from moana That's a little demon that attacked you
Starting point is 00:42:40 Did I tell you I went on youtube and I saw uh hallucinogenic entities and they broke them down by like seven different types Dude, the jive confronted the jester and there was a black and white tiled floor is the exact thing I fucking saw They did artist renditions and i was like back in white tiled floors. Yes Louis Gomez lived in a one bedroom entirely tiled room with a dog that was
Starting point is 00:43:04 Feral for I don't know how long but that was part of his origin story that was making me Hacking white tile floor black just a fully tiled studio Fucking floor to ceiling tiled Hell is he hunter jason? And his dog was a menace and would try to escape if he'd open the door it'd be like Hold on So, yes It was it was
Starting point is 00:43:32 Louis might be the funniest dude of all time. Yeah, buddily was talking about how that's a serious hood phenomenon It's like having a dog that must be put in another room if anyone else comes over or it will bite people. Yeah, it's crazy That's crazy, dude. I'm a pretty bad dog trainer But I definitely get my dogs not to bite except matilda might attack shoes depending on what they are I think I might have done it. You did dude. You imprinted on matilda. Yeah by assailing her with your military boots Yeah, that was fun though. That was great. She had fun. She had a blast and now she thinks it's on every time Like a work a guy comes in like work boots. She's like I have to be like I have to like shepherd them I did it all the time with matilda. Oh, it's a layer. It was non-stop. I'd be sitting there playing video games
Starting point is 00:44:09 and I would just Matilda spent her basically dog adolescence in the house on Uh, malvern yeah It's a good place to raise dude. We were laughing so I was thinking about when finnell's dog just walked up and took Chris woods food. That was that was juicy. And that was that was blue. Oh blue. It was blue. Fuck. Yeah It was so fucking funny dude. He's so alive. Yeah. Yes. Blue probably has another year or so blues hanging in Blues out on the parents. That was one of the dumbest fucking dogs. I've ever seen in my life. It's crazy, dude
Starting point is 00:44:39 I've never seen a dog like that dude. That was like a guatemala. Trawat like street dog That was a dingo. That was a fucking dingo if you look at that's like a native south american street dog It's like a dingo Fucked up. He was a chill fucking dog until he isn't dude. Yeah the first couple days I went to his dog bed and fuck he'll like fucking freak on people sometimes and go full mexico city But watching him just absolutely bully a human dude. I've never seen it dude the dog walked up slowly Slowly took it out of his fucking hands
Starting point is 00:45:11 And this is back. We didn't have no one had money. No that was woods meal. That was all he ate all day His meals were crazy his meals were crazy, but I in his he did hook it up for me He did every times where I have no meals and he'd say hey I got a bowl of fucking like beans and tuna. It was a hummus tortillas It was hummus. Yeah, it was like hummus five pizzas and then like a ton of chicken. Yeah, it was good He was actually good your gruel your gruel was fucking true. Yeah, I miss the gruel Grills good. I'd need that gruel Fired up in os. Yeah fire up some gruel. You think you can make gruel in australia. I'll get a stinger, bro
Starting point is 00:45:47 I'll make us chichis, dude. Dude. I was listening to speaking of australia. I've been listening to fucking plane crashes Speaking of you listen to the black box. I started listening to black boxes dude Well, it was just one night. It's not like I'm doing this regularly still and then I wicked There's a website where you can see everybody's last the last sentence of every black box in a plane crash What do they give something nice some of them Are funny some of them were like mountains It's just very funny. Does anyone play me so horny? Some of them are very sad. It's like amy. I love you It's like not bad
Starting point is 00:46:22 Fuck he knew. Yeah, he knew he was gonna be able to say I mean the one was like mom. I love you Nice. Yeah, but that I was talking to chris about it. I was like, I don't want those pilots I want the guy who's still because there's some pilots that are still trying shit the whole way down calmly They're like, okay, we're gonna go ahead and switch this. All right, that's not working Go ahead and try this Looks like we're gonna be coming in pretty hot just fucking
Starting point is 00:46:51 Yeah Yeah, that's that air force training, bro. I like that. I don't like I don't want a pilot that's like, oh god Like there's several of those. Yeah getting emotional. Yeah, I'm out. I want a guy who's trying till the very end True pilots like this is obviously the way I was going to go. Yeah Sorry, sorry to the 300 people behind me. I knew I was going this way. Yeah, that's just part of their fucking That's like the uh, which we'll call it. That's the sati tradition They're the egyptian king and that's all of their subjects True
Starting point is 00:47:20 You're in my tomb. They dug up those tombs There would be like up to like 300 people buried with some of the egyptian pharaohs. That's how I want to go pretty wild You're just getting buried alive No, I want to die and then make sure everybody that was around me does get buried alive should be legal again Maybe by that they might really they might legalize suti. Yeah, we couldn't because dude good religious exemption I read a thing there. I read getting religious exemption out of suti. Yeah, I read a thing. Uh, apparently I don't know if this was like a skewed data point, but they said that 25 of the deaths in like finland or some scandinavian country were euthanasia
Starting point is 00:47:57 Yeah They get a lot of the bros are being like put me down. That makes sense like medical death It's a lot, dude It is but if you think about that's how many people make it to fucking full gays Yeah, and like riddled with fucking disease and dementia. Yeah 25 just knock them out It's a sick mpr fan. I feel like a lot of mpr listeners want to be euthanized I might be able to break out. I want to burden my family as much You want to I think I could break out just like one day just be like
Starting point is 00:48:29 This is where I am. What are you watching golf put on golf put golf on Has anyone ever busted out of it? I think I can get out of it bust it out. I think I might go the opposite round I might actually start remembering stuff when I get older. Yeah, fuck There's my keys. I finally find my keys when I'm like 80. Yeah, I'll be like, what the hell dude. There's my car Yeah, dude that uh, that stinks. I was talking a little uh, which I'm gonna call it forgot the word for it. Alzheimer's I'm talking to Alzheimer's. It stinks, dude. Yeah, apparently they all Think or a lot of them think that the people taking care of them are stealing from them
Starting point is 00:49:07 I thought that was just my mom's aunt. That's a lot of them No, I mean, I'm sure you if you're confused all the time. You're very paranoid about people strangers walking in and That's true. Like, holy shit. There's a new guy. He's in my house. Get out of here thief Try to watch the goff I'm watching goff that's got to suck too because my mom's aunt Ernie Elz is on Get out of here thief. Let me see if they only can remember pga legends probably The only thing tether in the tether in the reality There he is. I don't like that tiger woods character
Starting point is 00:49:40 Why That's the only thing you can muster is like talking about tiger woods like why is there gonna be a weird about my takes on tiger woods? Yeah, sorry, I don't like them. Am I right now? And why is there a black golfer? What the fuck is going on? What the fuck? That'd be nice to not remember. You're completely Like citizen zero. You can't remember anything. What's the what was the soldier in the one movie? Matthew Damon Jason Bourne Jason Bourne. You're born identity every morning, dude. You wake up you craft your pants Somehow I know how to do you craft your pants. You know, I do know how to do racism still It's the only thing you know in the restaurant. Just like there's five Puerto Ricans over by the back
Starting point is 00:50:18 There's a Jamaican lady who says my she's my living nurse. I don't believe her. There's a mixed fella in the booth over I gotta get out of here. That's probably why they end up on the side of the highway I can rollerblades 17 miles out of the city right now That's why they end up they end up walking on the fucking like a two-lane highway with all their stuff from the diner They just see all the minorities and they're just like minorities. There's no minorities on here Yeah, but then they get to the side of the highway and guess what that's minority city true Yeah, I've noticed that's the uh It's where they like to hang out a lot of barbecues around like the side of like the whistle-hicken like a lot of Puerto Rican families
Starting point is 00:50:53 Really? They're just setting up They set up like yeah, they set up the road We now don't it's not the side of the road. It's the side of like the whistle-hicken on the like the river Oh, okay, you'll go down there with your dog and it'll just be like a full like Party you're like whoa, man. That's pretty awesome. That was a long trek to get down there. Yeah Those guys don't mind tracking now, man. Especially for a good time. That's a great time. Especially some surveyses by the Rio Yeah, man. It's time. It's a good time Speaking of time
Starting point is 00:51:22 Nice, hot diggity dog. There was one plane crash In san diego Where this this bowing was flying in these two dinguses in a fucking Cessna We're practicing landing And you can you can read the transcript air traffic controls like Uh, just so you know, there's a Cessna around you guys about within five miles and the pilots are laughing They they're like, oh these fucking idiots what the hell where are these guys then they find them They're like, all right there. They are they're about a mile off to the right
Starting point is 00:51:52 and then a couple minutes later air traffic controls like Do you guys still see them the Cessna and they were like, no, they must have gone right We don't see them anymore. Turns out the Cessna was directly below them at this point So the bowing goes to land Starts starts going down hits the fucking Cessna. Oh My don't this is in san diego in 1973. I think bro the bowing obviously crashes What the whole plane goes down the Cessna those boys are could put But the fucking thing lands in a neighborhood
Starting point is 00:52:26 Kills like eight more people In the neighborhood 170 people on board are dead. Obviously. What? Yeah real bummer But it's also reassuring that plane crashes happen in america like once every fucking Takes it. It's very rare. Is it? I never know extremely rare I'm always wondering like dude. I feel like I heard I'm always like thinking like I swear I just heard about a plane crash. It's no, it's very rare. Yeah, I guess you're right But also you got to remind yourself because I fly a lot and I'm always I'm sure about it. Yeah. Yeah
Starting point is 00:52:57 Even if you were like, all right, let's say there was a major air accident today. Yeah the day I'm flying If it came from this airport statistically, I'd still be extremely unlikely Oh, there's so many flights. That's true. The odds of it being on my plane are out of you know True, but if it was how bad would you be like ain't that about a bitch? I'd say isn't it ironic ain't that about a bitch a little too ironic What did I do? Yeah, that would stink. Yeah, especially on a way to australia if it just nose dives over the ocean out of nowhere Yeah, never to be found we're asleep in our nice little pods. That'll be nice, dude
Starting point is 00:53:33 Shit-faced in a pod There's worse ways to go. That's a good way to go. There's worse ways to be like i'm with my friend We're gonna have a fucking theater tour in australia. This is fucking awesome. Leonard skinner's saddest, dude I would be skinner People wouldn't go back and play this podcast me like dame. This is sweet home Alabama. This shit's incredible Oh, for sure. They did it Everybody would forget a bit turn it up everyone would forgive us, dude Pretty much did it. I told you my dream was to become a host at helium
Starting point is 00:53:58 Did it done done my win Philly's money is Done done now. It's now we're in bonus level as you that's it. What were you saying me? It's sonic bonus level. Yeah, it's collecting coins That's it. This is it So there is And then getting dude all it really is is getting a hand job getting a hand or giving yourself a hand job jerking off aka jerking off Yeah, get your nipples sucked Phew we dude if you don't think for a second that i'm gonna give that a shot
Starting point is 00:54:27 You have to after the whoo pig zoe when I chase her into the room Have that as a snack go feast Feast when she gets back like gorge myself on a night. Maybe she has a cold. Maybe she has a cold or something Just be like perfect, dude jackpot. You're a little sleepy get a little snot in there What a sweet treat for my nipples. Oh my god Yeah, dude, could you suckle at me? Can you suck my nipples suckle? I used to be ashamed to ask now. There's just no shame whatsoever. It's just like, yo Do you do it like do you demand it? Are you like? No, I suck my nipples
Starting point is 00:55:04 If she if you said like I don't have an in me to suck your nipples I might hit her with the old like All right. Well, there's gonna be vapes in the laundry tomorrow. I'll tell you that. You what? There's gonna be some shit in the laundry I need just to clear my mind. I'm gonna go walk the dogs. Do you know where the bags are? Yeah, I would I would definitely threaten her If she refuses to suck you have to throw out shit. We got dumb ass. Ah, it's just uh sheath, right? Perhaps it's just the sheath. I believe 9,000 fucking emails. Let me tell you about sheath on the wares Nice pga tour shows looking for comedians and they want me nice dude. Look at that. It's time for me to talk golf
Starting point is 00:55:41 That's crazy. Dude. Are you gonna sit there and be like a commentator? Oh, here we go. I'll fire it up. Matt patreon hit. We're rich. Oh really sick Matt, we did it sick We did it, baby. We got money break out the red panties. We did it, baby We're fucking another month dude a month a month until like it's sucked up into the fucking Guys evil enterprise god bless america and god bless sheath underwear. Sheath underwear keeps your balls off your legs I'm wearing them right now for real. Look at that. That's funny. I'd attribute that to my incredibly small penis Yeah, I always thought it was because of my small penis and my dick and nuts never even touched my fat thighs that are nearly touching
Starting point is 00:56:23 Uh, this idea for sheath came from its founder u.s army soldier, dude Forgive me for laughing at all disrespecting a future u.s army soldier U.s army soldier robert patent during his second torn iraq dude second. Yeah second It works for him. It'll work for you support the show and support this awesome veteran owned company Go to sheathunderwear.com use promo code drench to get 20 off your first order Every order comes with sheaths 100 money back guarantee. So you can just crap in these things Be like I want my fucking money back for sure Mail them back to them. You could for sure do that
Starting point is 00:56:56 Every order with sheaths, uh, that's sheathunderwear.com promo code drenched get sheath underwear and let them support your balls Dude, you know that's for real get sheath those things fucking real nice You notice thinking about today or actually the other day That we're essentially just carrying we're a biological organism carrying our father's penis into the future Then our children carry our penis in we're just a penis being carried in the future. What a burden on my young son It's crazy, dude. My boy is gonna fuck. He's gonna But he's gotta carry it. He's gonna have to strike me. He's gotta carry it. He's gonna say you burden me What is this? I'll be I'll be like Robert the Bruce's dad and brave heart
Starting point is 00:57:35 Covered him boy. You must carry it into a betray him. You must carry it into the future You must have sex with a must live big butted Irish waitress carry our penis into the future fucking right, dude See if you can find a fat ass pale chick. Oh, yeah big fat pale butt at a bar That's the torch for that's a torch bear of a small Irish penis Is a drunk small penis that butted whore Finally our legacy continues We continue to strive forward as a burden on civilization
Starting point is 00:58:11 We're not contributing We're taking I'm a hard worker, dude. That's the fucking trawl. You do need the guy that's that's the trawl, dude Just an alcoholic working for sure. Yeah for sure. You do need the worker bees I sold that sticker and I said, you know what? That's kind of nice just to be like I fucking lay bricks. This is the way I feel about everything. It's all and it's fully automatic Because I was like I looked at it. I'm like still is because I was like I wonder how the guy feels about trump And I was like no, I know exactly I can tell you exactly not to be a dick. I'm like, I just know it's look I don't like anybody tells the truth
Starting point is 00:58:44 Yeah automatic Oh my god, you can't even talk about it anymore. You can't even you can't even fucking joke around. Yeah, man. It's pretty nuts. Think about that That's that's apparently the thing of uh, one of the things in young Ian therapy We're just archetypes. We're just fully just pre-loaded Things that emerge into like a pattern that already existed that takes on a different flavor due to like the cultural cultural around it And then like certain people come up through that and like And self-create into a new thing Hmm pretty neat pretty neat. You want to go to the patreon and have a good time. Yes. Yes. Have a very good time
Starting point is 00:59:20 Do you want to get crazy on there? Very crazy It's gonna be crazy. Let's go. Thank you guys so much. Thank you for listening

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