Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 412 - Rookie of the Year (feat. Rone)

Episode Date: October 5, 2022

Go watch Gilly and Keeves "The Special" @ gillyandkeeves.tv Support the D.A.W.G.Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod Support Rone & Sas Listen to Son of A Boy Dad Pod Buy Merch & Get Tickets to See Matt @ mssecretpodcast.com shanemgillis.com YO. The cast is pipin' HOT. The D.A.W.G.Z. are joined at casa de Gillis by elite D.A.W.G. / bro Adam "Rone" Ferrone. You must go watch the new Gilly and Keeves. You must listen to Son of a Boy Dad podcast. Please enjoy.  Support the show and get 15% off your first Raycon order at https://BuyRaycon.com/DRENCHED Support the show by going to sheathunderwear.com and use promo code DRENCHED to get 20% off your first order.   Support the show and get 20% Off and Free Shipping with the code DRENCHED at https://Manscaped.com

I went to snap. What happened to your fucking hand? I was peeling apples this morning. I peeled my finger. Uh-uh. I went right down my goddamn finger, dude. How bad? Peeling of Granny Smith.

It wasn't too bad. I used to love Granny Smith. Dude, I still do. Really? I'm a red guy now. You're a red guy. I switched. So now I'm, excuse me, man.

Excuse me, brother. Oh, hey, here's our guest. Good to see you both. Is it Red Delicious or Macintosh that you like? That's a question. What's the crisp? Honey crisp. Honey crisp?

Oh, those are nice. I don't like the reds that are, like, soft. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a Macintosh, I think. Yeah, grainy and soft. Yeah. Not with that either. Not trying to eat the same.

Nah, I still hold down Granny Smith. But I got into... It's so sour and tart now. Dude, I love them. Yeah. This is apple season. Yeah, it is. So now what I do though, I used to do all straight Smith, but now I've got into baking

apples. So you got to do a little variety. There's some Smith in there for the tartness. I think I threw some Honey Crisps actually in there. Wow, look at you. Can I see the cut? Can you show me? We have bandages.

It's small, but it was in the heat of the moment. I didn't want blood to get on the apples I was cutting. So it's just a little nick. It's nothing crazy. Okay. But I was leaving. But you still, you did the right thing by covering it up. Through the bandage so I can continue.

I was just like, yes, yes. I got some Neosporin. Nah, just the bandage. The acid from the Granny Smith probably... Oh, that probably hurt. Probably just cured it all out. Yes. Cleaned it out, but I heard kissing a wound will actually make it better scientifically.

It does. It does. I heard that too. The saliva actually does it, yeah. It feels like that cannot be true though. Oh, it's true. Yeah. But saliva, is somebody else's saliva in your cut?

Your mommy and daddy's you're talking about? You're talking about your mommy and daddy? My mommy and daddy would probably break out in herpes. Yeah. It's fucking disgusting. My slut of a dad. You had to get your finger amputated. My fucking gay slut of a dad.

There he was. It was a gay slut. You got AIDS from your daddy kissing your wounds? Whoa, dude. What the hell? My dad doesn't have HIV. I thought he was a slut, dude. No, he just said he was gay.

I said he was a gay slut, dude. I thought when you know, scientifically, I would real give anything for my dad to come down with monkeypox if he just somehow, not sexually, just if he's accidentally got it. Just for the giggles? Just to be like, dude. Like sharing a needle with his body? What were you doing? Sharing a needle.

What? Also, he would rock it. The pox? He would totally be like, what? What's the pox? He could have serious sores on his face and he'd be like, what the hell? What are you talking about? Just arms, bears?

Short-sleeved shirt? Yeah, he would rock pox. Do people die from mpox at all or is it just like? No, I think it's just a... Just unsightly? You just become a freak. Yeah. It cycles through, though.

I don't even think it's that bad. I think they just wanted something. I think monkeypox is nothing. Yeah. The only thing that's scary about it is the stigma. True. But now everybody else has got another shit and they think it's monkeypox. Ooh, monkeypox is rough, dude.

Oh, yeah? Monkeypox is rough. Holy shit. What's it looking like? Yeah. If that's real, but you never know. Oh, they're bumpy. You can Google.

Yeah, true, true. Just about anything. It looks like the Skittles commercial where they can like, pop the Skittles off. Oh, man, monkeypox is bad, dude. Yeah, little bumpies. It would be funny if your dad got it, though. Yeah, if he accidentally got it. If it ran through the Elks in Mechanicsburg, the Bros just came down with it.

Just some dudes fucking high-fiving over the game. Yeah. All it takes is one of the Elks to go suck someone at the Y. De-stigmatize it, though. True. There's got to be one guy in the Elks. There's definitely some homosexuals at the Elks. Yeah.

Wait, what's the Elks? The Elks Lodge? It's the fraternal brotherhood. Yeah, they have a frat. They have a frat. They have a frat. They have a man frat? Yeah, they have a frat.

Really? It's just for dudes to get the fuck out of the house. Is there dudes you have to pay to get in? Yeah. My dad was named the rookie of the year. What? His first year. They have a rookie of the year.

My father has a picture at the Elks. Well, he did it for a year called the rookie of the year. It was a picture of Phil. How do you... Placer. In a suit. How did he get rookie status? Just dominated.

Showed up nonstop. Put down Bruce. What kind of status is he putting up? People were like, damn, this guy's unprecedented. That is actually pretty sad. What? Getting the rookie of the year at the Elks? Rookie of the year at a local bar.

What kind of rule? 60 years old. What kind of rule? People were like, holy shit, this guy's an alcoholic. What's the age range for the dudes? There's some young... My bros are getting into it from back home, which is the Elks does rule. It's like a dollar a beer.

Yeah. That sounds incredible. You pay your dues, you get like 50 cents of beers. There was a bar in Westchester called the Eagles. The popcorn machine? You got to see if you could play at the same time. They have like one big screen TV that's like one of... It's not a flat screen, it's like a box.

It's like 800-pound television. They all gather around, watch the Steelers on it. That's sick, dude. Yeah, there's a place you used to go to in Westchester. You could drink fucking dollar. It's the best. You used to go there and get hammered at the Eagle. Yeah.

It was all like club. Yeah, everyone assigned you in. It was sick. When I go home, I go to Friday night bingo night at the Elks. Bingo is fun. And then I lie to my mom. I say they called that. And she'll be like, bingo!

And everyone's like, boo, everyone gets mad, whoever gets bingo. And then the guy comes over and he's like, it's not a good bingo. The whole place is like, I wiped my car! We got to go over the numbers again. That's not rookie of the year material. No, that's a good trick, though. When you trick your mom. That is so fucking funny.

She was devastated. She actually hasn't really forgiven me for that. The fake called bingo? Fake, yeah. If you get someone to lie on a bingo. She probably trusts you so hard. She was probably like, oh my god, this is it. I've never won anything in my life.

Yeah. Dude, especially if you know you're responsible for someone wiping their card. That's fucking crazy. Yes. I wiped my card. But that's on them. That's true. There's a chance of a knock-up.

Any time they call 69, the whole place goes, ooh! Bingo must get rowdy, so that's all they have, right? That's bad bingo discipline, dude. If someone wipes their cards, like, dude, how about you get the fuck out of here? Yeah. Fucking spaz. And you got to cheat. You got to cheat.

How do you cheat? You get multiple cards. Oh, you know what? You lay out all your cards. Yeah. And whatever the first number called, you check and say, all right, I'm going to go with this card. Yeah. Get a little advantage up top.

Oh my god. Yeah. I'm a couple of Bruce Keys deep at this point playing bingo at the Elks. Whatever it takes. Whatever it takes. I swear to God, that's about as happy as I get. That's so fucking fun. So nice.

Is there ever a scandal? Any cheating scandal or just that? Yeah, there's some accusations. Yeah. Whenever one particular table is doing well, the rest of the bars, they hate them. They're talking. They're against them. But how can you even really cheat in bingo?

You just told us. I mean, you can start like that. But that's not like a cheat. You can bring extra cards. You can play multiple cards. You can not use a marker. You should be using a marker. You can use chips.

You can check your cards and be like, actually, this card's doing pretty good. I'm going to move. Yeah. You can play multiple cards at the same time. That's what I'm saying. Play multiple cards. Play multiple cards. Wipe it, keep it.

And what kind of prize money are you looking at? Life changing? I mean, we're talking about blackout, the final cards. Full blackout, final round. 600 bucks. And at the Elks, that's 1200 beers. That's rookie of your shit. That's incredible, dude.

Every night at midnight, they all do this. It's like, it's the secret, dude. I shouldn't be divulging this. The Elks are going to be pissed. Yeah, don't know. I don't know. I forget which one's the moose. The moose might be this.

The Elks might be this. Yeah, yeah. It's one of those. At midnight, to the veterans, dude, to all the fallen troops. Just bunch of drunk guys. What? It's like they're teasing over you. Is he respectful?

Almost none of them were troops. They're all just draft dodgers. They got to hold it down, though, for the troops. Old dudes love troops so much. Of course. What's not to love? What else is there to love, though, once you're older? Are there troops in there?

Do the troops hit it back to them? No, they all, yeah. I think it's actually just for dead Elks. I could be wrong. Yeah. For the ones who've gone before us. For the rookies of the years. For all the rookies of the years, I'm short shelf-wise, dude.

What if you joined and didn't get rookie of the year? Dude, how furious with yourself would you be? If my father got it and I didn't. It'd be like a griffy. It'd be like a can't-griffy situation. Yeah, exactly. I might come in, catch a fly ball in front of him, and be like, that's just us goofing around.

I might be can't-griffy. You'd have to. Otherwise, it'd be like the beginning of Gladiator. You'd have to find your dad. Yeah. I never knew. Dude, I just watched Gladiator again. Did you really?

Put it on in the green room this weekend was nuts. I watched Ghost in the Darkness. A lot of guys don't know about that. Killmore, bro. I don't know anything about that. Killmore. That was one of my favorite movies ever. Killmore goes out.

When I was a kid, that was on replay. Got that from Blockbuster. It was just like, oh, fuck. Yeah, this is unbelievable. Yeah. It's actually pretty good. It's not as bad as you would think. Then we watched Gladiator.

Got in an argument with a comedian named Mike Turner. He was sitting there. He was trying to trash it. Hadiator? Yeah, he was trying to trash Gladiator. What were the points? He was saying it was too long. I don't know.

He's made me sick. Yeah, that's crazy. That's like chick shit. I was just, I didn't want to say it. It's fully chick shit. That same movie's too long for girls. That's girl stuff, dude. He said he was like Top Gun was the best movie I've ever seen.

That's probably also long. Is that not long? Well, it's long, but you'd have to be simple. Can I tell you something? I've never seen Top Gun. The first or the new one? Either. I've never seen Top Gun.

They're pretty good. They're sweet. I don't know why. The new one's cool to watch. Yeah. But you'd have to be a moron to be like the best picture. Yeah. No, I need gladi.

I need fucking, I need Regicide or Patricide. I mean, even care about a movie. What about like, you said Fratricide? What about a Fratricide? I could deal with that too. Fratricide, Regicide, Patricide, I was saying. There was some Patricide in Top Gun. Was it really?

Kind of. Did you get it? No. I thought you had it. I thought I did too, but it was fucking band-aid. I always feel quick as shit whenever I catch one, but then they're like the slowest, dumbest animal. That was a slow-moving fly, dude.

Yeah, it was pretty pathetic of a human to be like. I caught you. Got you. You're like a single-cell organism moron. You're so dumb, you don't even know you're alive. But yeah, it was good. It was good. They gave me this awesome, the club gave me an autographed John Rocker jersey as a gift.

They must have done a little research. They contacted my agent and said, what would he like? They said my agent said, autographed John Rocker. When do you think he signed that after the tie ring? I always had him. I always had him. I didn't get him. I didn't get him.

No, he's quick, dude. He fucking did it. That guy's hell, Boston Scott. He had faked it, dude. He's hearing all this Top Gun talk and he's fucking having a good time. Yeah, he said he's in the dangers out of there. He's not bothering you. Yeah, how did they know you liked that?

I'll tell you what happened. My agent, my Jew agent, my white Jew agent, he wore a fucking... He wore a Jackie Robinson Dodgers jersey to my special tape. I thought it was a Michael Vick jersey. No, I wish it was a Michael Vick jersey. I would have given him credit. Kidding. He was a white dude rocking a Jackie Robinson and I was like, bro.

That's kind of... It's crazy. Yeah, that's kind of crazy. And he was like, a lot of guys are telling me it's a lot of black guys have been complimenting it just so you know. And I was like, I bet they're kind of making fun of you. Yeah. They definitely are.

That's crazy. It's... He is the man. He is the man. He is the man. But rocking a... It's like wearing an in-living color shirt. It's like if I were to wear an in-living color shirt, it's like...

Yeah. Dude, that's not for you, bro. Yeah, for real. It's like a BLMT. It is a BLMT. It's the ultimate. But before BLM. Yeah, exactly.

It's a real... It's a not fake one. Jackie Robinson was a Jew, right? Jackie Robinson? He was the original... He was a real Jew. Yeah, well, that's how we got the leak. He was one of the true Jews.

But it was... Yeah. I was like, dude, get a Kofax. Like, stop. Kofax is at least putting on. Honestly, you know what he said? The Kofax Jews, these are too expensive. And they're like sold out everywhere.

Jews keep buying them. Jews love baseball. They do. But anyway, I was making fun of him. He's like, what should I be wearing? And I said... John Rocker. John Rocker.

True. And they found... They found one autograph. And they got an autographed John Rocker. What gun show are they selling that at? I don't know. Shout out to Rocker for still selling shit. Yeah, that's sick.

Damn. It's like, that's a Victoria's weekend, dude. Two movies, Rocker. Oh, and I saw a movie in theaters. What'd you say? I saw the newest, spookiest movie of the Halloween season. Smile. What is it?

Dude, check it out. I think it's the best horror movie I've ever seen. What? They got a sweet marketing campaign. Very spooky. Incredible marketing. What's it about? Tell them about the marketing.

Yeah, tell me the marketing. They just have, like... You know, when you smile and, like, bend your face down a little bit, like this? Yeah. They just have people go into sporting events and they're just populated amongst the crowd. They'll just, like, show up on the Jumbotron in, like, a yellow shirt doing the creepiest smile that... And, like, don't move the entire game.

At baseball games, sit behind home and play just... Nine innings. Play Joker smile? Joker smiling the entire time. Because that's what happens. This thing... Yeah, there you go, Sean. You'd be the scariest one.

Yeah, I'm not a fan. I don't like that kind of stuff. It's scary. It's demonic. Yeah, it truly is. It's a demon that when whoever is possessed by it, it smiles at you whenever you see it. Like, it possesses someone and then smiles at you. Then it's, like, coming kill you or something?

But then it comes and gets you. Okay, coming kill you. It's a very scary smile. Yeah, that's not... That makes me feel... Yeah. Not at ease. It's funny, me and...

I saw a spooky thing, too. Me and Finance were in the car on the way to it. And I was like, do you like scary movies? Like, do you freak out? He was like, no. Dude, we got in there. He screamed... He screamed the entire movie.

Out loud? Any time there was a jump, he'd be like... Like, during any stressful scene, he was like... I was like, dude, stop. Shut the fuck up. This is how crazy Finance is. He went and bought candy before. He didn't even try to hide it.

He bought... He carried a trash bag in. Good for him, at least. Which I couldn't believe. Ziploc bag or a CVS bag. You know, it's about times we all... Some people came out of that closet and... Agreed.

I'm like kind of... Agreed, but he... Hold up. His candy... Yeah, do me the honor of it. He did bring... In the... Guess the candy he got.

You'll never, ever guess. Getting plenty? What type of psycho this guy is. No. Well, you'll never get... Saltwater taffies. Whoa, what the fuck? Yeah, what is he, 70?

That's crazy. Yeah. Where'd he secure the bag? He went to a CVS in Phoenix and got saltwater taffies. What the fuck? Brought them into the movies and then screamed to the whole movie. He was the most retarded shit. That's a wild experience that you should have.

That's fucking crazy, dude. Saltwater taffies not at the beach is crazy. I didn't know it existed. I'll be honest, I started indulging with him. Yeah. They're so good, dude. I haven't had saltwater taffies... I don't know.

I haven't had saltwater taffies since I was like eight. Yeah. They're yummy. Yeah, they are yummy. I'd feel strange. Yeah, in the desert. I'd be curious... Yeah, exactly.

I'd be curious about them. They're not fresh made on the boardwalk? No. A lot of flavor? Yeah, where's the saltwater? Where are they getting the saltwater from? There's no local saltwater taffy. Adam, that's a great question.

He's a hard hitter today. He's a hard hitter. You might be the next Colbert. What was the spooky thing you saw? Oh, I saw a play, The Legend of Sleepy Hollow. Well, you went to see a play? My niece was in a play. Oh, thank Christ.

I thought you were going to see a play. My niece was in a play. Dude, my niece was in a play. She did a fantastic job, but the audio guy should be fired. Really? There was people whose whole mics were cut. So they'd come out and do a musical number, and you just couldn't hear. Must have been packed.

Was it packed in there? It was pretty packed. It was like an outdoor-type thing, too. There was pouring rain. Oh, shit. But we were under a barn-type structure. Oh, it was raining the whole time? But the little kids got scared, because there was ghosts coming out, and then the one teacher

came in. But the actors got scared? No, my niece is a nephew. She's like the two-year-olds and all fucking on edge. How old were the actors in the play? They ranged from nine to about high school seniors. Damn. Yeah.

Oh, so it was probably a pretty decent production. Yeah. You enjoyed it? Yeah, it was good. Was it spooky when he came out? When the headless horseman? Dude, the headless horseman was, that was the best above and beyond. The train came out?

They had a real horse. Damn. Real horse? What? They had a real fucking horse. How did, honestly, did you go like this? I know you. I was pretty pumped, dude, because the ghouls were pretty scary.

They were coming out and saying, don't worry, these are just ghouls. They hit me with a real horse, and I was like, man, get the fuck behind me. Get the fuck behind me. What the fuck, dude? That's a real fucking horse. No, don't worry. It's fake. Get back.

This is real. This is scary. But in the play, my niece was in the play. One of the teachers, Ichabod Crane, smacked her hand because he was like, that's what happens to the kids, and the kids, all the kids are fucked up about it. Ichabod Crane hit a girl? He hits all the students. Apparently, I forgot what the whole play was about.

I still don't really remember it, but he came out and he's like, spare the ride, spoil the child kind of thing. There's a whole song about beating kids, and he goes and smacks their hand, and dude, my two nephews were just like, he just hit Sadie, and they were fucked up. Which one, Chuck? Chuck. He's a unit, isn't he? He's a unit.

Dude, especially him. He saw Sadie get hit. A horseman might be in trouble. My sister said his last words if we're going to bed. He'd be like, why did that guy hit Sadie like that? He was fucked up about it. He's like 6'2". Are you talking about the little...

Chuck? Talking about the little guy. Yeah. Yeah, he'll be a big boy. How old is he? He's like one. I saw him. He was huge, dude.

I went to that party. I was like, how old is that kid? He's a huge baby. He's just staring at the ceiling. He's three now. He must be huge. He probably had a shank under his bed, dude. Yeah, he's three now, dude.

He wanted to fuck that guy. The Ichabod crane was played by a girl, too. I tell the guy around. I was, dude. I was none too pleased. Yeah, we can't have anything. I was like, what is this, 1912, dude? What are we doing?

Yeah. Yeah, girls with no head. Yeah. It's not for me. If it's a man, have a man play the fucking part. Yeah, get that true, right? Yeah. Did you have to lie to them and be like, this was a good level production?

Did you have to go up and be like, this is actually like a college level production? Nah, I just focused on my niece. I said, you fucking knocked it out of the park. Yeah. That's all I said. Give them notes afterwards. Give them notes for a couple of days later. Kind of let it cool down a little bit.

I'm going to let the floor cool down. I said, you knocked it out of the park. Man. That fucking AV guy is a dumbass, though. Your child must have been so alarmed. Seeing a parent get serious must be like, oh shit. What, the horse came out? Like when the horse came out, like having a parent be like...

It was just all reflex. Yeah, like when you're in the car. Oh, your kids are in the back in the kid's seat. Yeah, yeah. Remember when your mom, my mom used to do that. Every time. I know. It's really sweet.

Yeah, it is nice. Now that you think about it. That I come through and just fracture your fucking arm. It's very nice. Nobody cares about me. Jesus Christ. What? You're popular.

I got, this is unbelievable. Is it good news or... Shultz said I was on The Daily Show. Now it's... And now I'm getting texts from like people from high school. Like dude, what a comeback. Congratulations. That's sick man.

Congrats, bro. You got big shoes to fill though. Trevor Noah. Trevor Noah. Trevor Noah. I laughed and cried with him. I don't know about you guys. The whole journey.

The whole... Because I was like, who's going to fill fucking Colbert shoes? No. Or John Stewart shoes. John Stewart shoes. Oh, that actually is tough shoes to fill. I mean, he was... He invented that genre basically.

Yeah. Of like snarky liberal. That's funny. Yeah. Except he could do it. Yeah. Since then he's spawned. But nonstop.

That's comedy now is people trying to be like... Actually, Mr. President. I think you don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Yeah. John Oliver. Yeah. John Oliver. All some fucking spicy facts.

But then they get the thing is now there's the next phase which is grow a beard and then go back on late night as like the wisened guy who's like attached. Letterman did it and John Stewart both grew... Now they grew their beards and they're like, yeah, I'm just into like pottery now. And the crowd's like, oh. Wow, that's crazy. They're so charming. Letterman grew the fuck out of his beard.

He did. He came back inshallah. See, if he was really about it, he would come back as a militant Islam. Like I've actually converted to militant Islam. The holy infidel must die. That would be so sick. Sick of show of all time. That would be the funniest shit ever.

It would be funny to have a biased late night show like a James Corden that was like Sharia Law. Oh, dude. Like women getting abortions, whores. Am I right, folks? That's crazy. Have you seen this? Whores.

Disgusting. And just like kick it to the roots. Yeah, the roots. And just have a quest love play them out. They might, yeah. They might be Muslims. They probably are Philly dudes. Philly Black dudes.

You'd have to kick it to some fucking dude just on like a big bulbous flute. Like... Yeah, this is the Star Wars, man. Yeah, there's a place in front. Every time. Yeah, dude. It really did start the archetype of just like a snarky host. Yeah, and he was excellent at that.

They're best friends, all black band. Hey guys. Can we talk as friends real quick on camera? You laugh as hard as you can. Now let's not put that smut on Stuart. What? That was Colbert. That was?

We were watching some Colbert highlights and good crush. What was that? It was Colbert. Nancy Pelosi was on last night. Top tier television. And there was also... Who was the other guy? The...

Samantha Bee? Nah, who was like Fallon had? I think he had something like that, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's crazy that they're like the man we... He who should not be named when they're talking about Trump. They literally had him on.

I thought they were really old clips. When he was campaigning, they brought Trump on. Did they really? Yeah. SNL had him host. Oh, family host. Yeah, true, true. Fallon, Fallon Tussle was there.

That's crazy. No respect. You see Yeezy? Yeah. White Lives Matter. Yeezy, Rockin' Little White Lives. And there was Candace Owens. And Candace?

White Lives Matter? Yes. Did he explain it? Did he have a reasoning for it? Yeah. What was his reasoning behind it? He said it was to point out that BLM was a fraud. And it was funny.

I was looking at Twitter today and like every top comment is a black person like, he's spitting. Like, he's not lying. Except for Jane Smith. Really? I mean, Jane Smith, yeah. He was the only one that was pissed. Jane Smith was pissed? Yeah.

He walked out. What does he think white lives don't matter? True. Just because we're saying white lives matter, it doesn't mean. Yes. I mean, personally, I think all lives matter. It's such a fucking funny intersection of philosophy or like political stuff and t-shirts of just the most retarded, obvious stuff.

Well, I mean, yeah. Obviously, Black Lives Matter motivated to say, oh, it's like, dude, you're missing the point, dude. It's about black people right now. Yeah. About black lives specifically. But yeah, the point was that all the leaders of BLM ended up buying like 10 million dollar mansions.

They all got listed on mansions. Yeah. So that was what Yeezy was pointing out. Wasn't that the thing that the money of it, too, had like, if it could only sit for like 60 days, then like buying all got funneled into like DNC? I don't know if that's Russian disinformation, but. Could be Russian disinformation. Oh, apparently got funneled into the dude's pockets themselves.

I can't believe fucking Russians tricked us like this. The Russians? Yeah. Are they tricking us again right now? I think I'm being tricked. There are another trickery going on right now because I got my antennas up because I'm hearing a ton of shit coming at me. What do you got?

What do you catch? I don't know. People are fucking like throwing themselves off a cliff, not to join the army and shit like that. Oh, in Russia? Yeah. In Russia. But I don't know if I'm getting tricked the other way.

I think that's yeah. Yeah. Yeah. True. Demoralize them. That'd be so awkward, too. So many weird in like 20 years when like we have to have like the bad guy movies like the Russia Ukraine situation, you can't tell who's the good guy who's the bad guy.

They're both just like eating like raw potatoes and you're like, wait, what the fuck? They have the same last name. You're like, oh, fuck. The guy's like. He's a bad guy. He sounds Russian. Just two dudes are like really fucking shitty sweaters. You're like, fuck, I got the oh, who's the enemy?

Just block apartments. He's wearing the striped turtleneck. It looks like it's from 1986. Tiktok saying there's going to be nuclear war in Russia. Dude, I can't believe they're feeding that to the young children. There's been an uptick of nuclear war talk this week. That was BP was talking about that. Breaking points was talking about.

They were saying we're getting nukes. The title was like high chance or something like that of nuclear war. But they're like, we don't want a fear monger. Dude, I will be so fucking pissed if we get nuked. Well, apparently Putin was saying like America used them and they're telling us not to. And like it worked out pretty fucking well for America. So why the fuck can't we use them? Dude, but right after you got the Daily Show.

I hate when I get beat by logic. When Putin destroys America with logic. You guys used them. They hit him with two wrongs, I'll make it right. Nice. Two nuclear holocausts don't make a really sweet deal, dude. You know how you want this war to end quickly? No.

You guys can't do it. Well, they'd have to nuke us. They can't nuke Ukraine. You're the one who told me that. It's too close to them. Ukraine? Yeah, they can't nuke Ukraine. They could?

Wouldn't it fuck them up? I guess they're already... No, they'd be all right. It depends what they use, how big it is. True. You can use it. There's some small boys you can drop. So you came out like, guys, we've updated nuclear.

There's little guys. Yeah. There's little guys you could use. Little button mushroom cloud. Yeah. A little bit. But if they hit... Yeah, if they got us, that would be the sock if they hit New York.

Because they're only going for New York, dude. You think so? You better not touch. Obviously. Don't you think? They might go west coast. It might be easier for Russia to hit the west. I'm not sure.

Actually, no. It's closer. Yeah, it'll be... Depends where they're firing from. I would imagine they're firing from the... I'll tell you what, I'll be embarrassed and dismayed if we get hit with nukes from Russia. Meanwhile, all those dudes are in DC being like, here's a fucking... No, he's actually a piece of shit.

It's like, dude, you guys could have been watching the nukes. We should have been guarding for nuclear war. Yeah, I don't think it's going to happen. I hope not. I truly don't think. It seems like it won't. It seems like we're all adults. Yeah, I don't think.

Unless Putin just wants to get one off before he dies. Unless he does some bullshit like really tiny nuke just to say he did it, that'll kind of piss me off. Yeah. What's that? North Korea launched missiles at Japan. At Japan? Over Japan or some shit. Over, sorry, over Japan.

Which is all... What is this shit? This is buzzing, buzzing the power, dude. Just tossing them off the plate. Monkey in the middle of a little sky show, dude. Yeah, what's up? Just so you know, Japan's probably like, what the fuck, dude? Damn.

They all go down as the big, huh? Yeah. This is the third time Japan's gone. It's kind of fucked up this, send them over Japan. It is. Those boys have been through it. Yeah, dude. They're just trying to chill.

They're just trying to eat fish and live in a bad area. That was George Bolsheet, dude. He imagined Japan. I got nuked again, dude. And then the whole world was like, no more nukes. Come on, man. If I was Japanese, it'd be like, dude, we get nukes now. We're allowed to use them.

Oh, yeah. We get three now. True. Yeah, that's a fair. What if that was like the new Geneva pack after we like fight Russia? Like, look, if anyone was going to nuk anyone, it's Japan. They get one. Every 50 years, let's just send every bomb we have to Japan and get over it.

They're tough. They'll be back, dude. In fact, it kind of helps them every time they've been nuked. They've done better. Yeah, they get more beautiful, they're smarter. Maybe nukes are good. What if we get nuked and get knocked out? That might get our shit going.

We would start pulling off our pants and start acting. If we got nuked, there'd be a lot less foolishness. I'll tell you that. We'd unify. We would unify. We'd start focusing on good stuff. They bring back the flags. We'd be looking at the flags real.

They might hit Puerto Rico. They bet not. They knew Puerto Rico, dude. That would galvanize the country. If Russia hit Puerto Rico. I swear to God, if they hit Puerto Rico, I think things would continue as usual. No, I'm the best thing. Puerto Rico got nuked.

We'd be like, holy shit, Aaron Judge. They interrupt the broadcast. They interrupt the carnage. Judge hits 62. Judge hits 7th all the time on the home run list. If Putin's smart. And again, I wouldn't call for him to do this. It'd be funny if he nuked every Democrat-run city.

There's other half-America like... Look at Chicago. There's Democrat mayors. What's Putin doing to me? My girlfriend's mother is here this weekend. And it's been fun. She's a full Fox News mom. Really?

And last night, I got in her head. She's a Cubs fan. She's obsessed with the Cubs. So I was just... Well, first, the reason I'm bringing this up is I kept hitting her with Lori Lightfoot. I just said Lori Lightfoot. She starts explaining. And she would be like, that fucking bitch.

I'd be like, yeah. Because you met her. She's a very, very sweet woman. Wow, wow. Yeah, for real. Fuck. She's whoever. She's very, very sweet, which is funny.

And then if you just say Lori Lightfoot, it's... Sicko mode. She just crushed her glass. He really gets so mad. But then last night, she choked me. What? There was a couple cocktails. Everybody was...

There was some wine. Red wines? Hey, don't get me wrong. I was like, hey, stop. You and your daughter on this couch? Check me out. The slop is out, dude. I started running.

I started running circles around the couch. She said, you started air pumping. She listens to this. That's not good. But... I was sitting right there. You're in the spot. You're in the spot.

That's right where I was. Oh, yeah. The fair mode. But now I was just talking about how the Cubs sold their entire team and they don't give a fuck about the city. And she was devastated because she knew the truth. On white socks, bro? That's right.

And that's what I said. I said, you should have put it on that fucking black and white. You should have immediately... South side. The second your team, your whole team gets gutted like that? Yeah. You gotta go to the south side. The fuck?

The socks. We paid fucking Ryan Howard $800 million to just live there. And they got rid of... He's stunk. Yeah. They got rid of Shorby, dude. They got rid of everybody. Yeah, that's what started it.

I was like, yo, the Cubs... I kept being like, oh, man, the Cubs are about to clinch the play. Oh, fuck, that's the Phillies. What happened to the Cubs? That's all our guys. She was like, we swept you this season. I was like, no one even watched those games. No one cares.

No one even knew you guys were playing. Your team got sold. You rattled her cage. Yeah, it was fun. She can't even put the fucking clamp down. She joked me. The Cubs are the Lib team of the town, for sure. They are the Lib team.

And then the socks get in. That's devastating. They're not gonna like that. They are. You know, there's a Fox News mom listening to this right now. Human, dude. Lib team, dude. That's killing me.

The Cubs are... No, they're not the Lib team. Of the two? They definitely... The socks are not. Obama, dude. He's a socks guy. Yeah, he is the one.

But remember when those two white socks guys, like, jumped over the... These Cubs now, though. Yeah, he's... That's old Obama. That's grassroots Obama. Exactly. Obama now. Cubs.

Yeah, but I think Cubs is a lot of... I think there's a lot of white, frat Fox News bros that are at Wrigleyville. Yeah, I think that's all Wrigleyville. They probably keep their hats low, dude. Yeah. I mean, yeah, it's the north side of Chicago. Chicago is, like, perfectly yin-yang segregated. Yeah.

It's literally all black on the south side. It's just north and south. Yeah, it's crazy. Damn. Every time I go there, I just go, dude, this is nuts. When you get in that Chicago bus. When you get in that shot, bro. Hey, Ben there.

What? Yeah. All right. This is goddamn... I'm gonna make sure... I mean, like, for real, do not watch this. That's an obscure reference, dude. That's not good.

Oh, damn. Fuck. No, keep it. Keep it, dude. Yeah, man. Dude, I live and die by the sword of comedy. I heard that, dude. Sword of truth.

Dude, there was a... Fuck, I don't know what reminded me of this. Something we were talking about reminded me of... I watched yet another Project Veritas of getting a gay teacher. Dude, a gay teacher spilled the beans? Dude, a gay teacher spilled the beans? Yeah. Dude, there was another Project Veritas of getting a gay teacher...

Dude, a gay teacher spilled the beans? Dude, a gay teacher spilled the beans? It was the funniest... Do you know what Project Veritas is? Dude, they reached out to me one time to... What? They were like... They were trying to get you to spill the beans on...

They wanted me to, like, infiltrate, like, sports illustrated or some shit like that. And you denied the call? Dude, it... Sports Illustrated? Get... No, no, give me some... Give me, like, a high level... True.

You know what I mean? We're gonna find some sports illustrated. I don't care about, like, taking down sports illustrated or whatever it was. That's true. Why were they trying to bring them down? I don't even know. They, like, just sent me a DM that I never even responded to. I know we're gonna go back to Project Veritas,

but while we're on the topic of sports journalists, shut up about concussions. Just shut up about it, dude. Done with it, yeah. I'm tired. Dude, sports journalists have gotten so, like, liberal. Yeah. Or, like, not liberal.

I'm being an idiot, but, like, you know what I mean? When Tua got concussed, they were like... There was a lot of pearl clutching. There was a lot. It's like... Yeah. Let Tua skate. Well, they can't gleefully cover Antonio Brown

if they're gonna talk shit on concussions. Yeah. They're so happy about Antonio Brown having, like, a few shit happen to him. Yeah. Like, a helicopter in his dick. They're like, what the fuck is this guy doing? You see that?

Yeah. What was he mad about? Well... I saw the picture. He's right. Antonio Brown's wild, but he also got... Was he nervous? Perfect, fucking cut his head off one game.

Antonio Brown got dinged up, dude. That guy's brain must be... Yeah. He's wild. Was he in his own house, showing his penis? Or was he at, like, a hotel? No, I think he was in, like... He was in Dubai.

Dubai. Where you cannot show your penis. You definitely can't show your penis in Dubai. But I think he got out scot-free. But he was, like, ass in a girl. Do you ever ass someone? And you just put your ass on someone? He was an assid?

He did. In the pool, their ass was jumping up. He was an assid. He was smashing the ladies. He was smashing the ladies. He was smashing the ladies. What was the ladies' reaction? She actually...

I thought she would be with it. Party? She was trying to get away. She was hitting the person that just kind of doggy paddled away. She was trying to get away. Like, she moved quick and he started just taking his dick out. That's when the helicopter began. Yeah.

And the picture they used to blur out his penises... Bro. Extremely flattering. Complimentary. Holy hell. I see that. I see that. That thing's crazy.

Do you think that he was pinching and stretching? Or do you think that he was rock hard? No, I've analyzed it. He's got... I think he was rock hard. Really? Yeah. Dude, there's no way...

He was like that and maintained some girth like he had in that. Yeah. Trust me. I've stretched. Bubba coming it out? Yeah. I would even give him... Even if he stretched, I'd be like, good on you, bro.

Yeah, that's a big stretch, dude. Big stretch, dude. The stretch arm's strong, dude. It's fucking crazy. It is, dude. Yeah, I support his activities in Dubai. We can't ask women, dude. You're telling me I can't put my ass on?

You're telling me. She was horse playing too with him. She kind of gave him a little bit of green light. She wasn't asking for it, but... Whoa. What was the green light? She's about to be a sports journalist right now and say, What you're doing is extremely sexist.

I said she wasn't asking for it. You're a sexist. Fuck. I'm a sports journalist. She was horsing around in the pool. She's probably having a good time. They were at first. Chicken fights, maybe.

And then he just kind of took... He read the signals wrong and then she had the doggy paddle away. We've all been there, dude. She did swim like as fast as she could. To like 10 meters away and like out of distance like she saw a gator. I would imagine all like big titted Instagram thought ladies swim exactly in the doggy. There's a big titted doggy paddle. Yeah.

I think that's fair. Silver has to probably... Minnows. That was the lady of babe who got asked. It was the victim of the assing. It was kind of grainy. I couldn't tell. Shut.

Yeah. I'm jealous of people who are like exhibitionists. Like dudes who just reveal dong publicly. I don't think it should be a crime. I think it points to our own sexual immaturity. Yeah. It's like... Yeah.

If dudes are just getting naked on the train, that's on us. If we're like... If we feel any type of way about it. Yeah. Dudes are allowed to get naked on a train. Are they? Yeah. I don't think you get in almost any trouble.

No, you do. Dudes get in trouble. You don't get in trouble. No, you don't. New York, you could. You just got free. Show dick. Depends what you look like.

You got to look like... You got to look ratty as fuck. Yeah. If you were in a suit. You got to hurt it. Hold you down. Wait, do you say you couldn't Christian Grey? No.

I'm into a lot of dark stuff. But if you were to lay on the train and cover yourself with a newspaper, you could just show your nutsack to everybody. Yeah. No, that's what's up. You're a little dirty. That's a step in the right direction. You could...

Here's a good idea. You put a trash bag on his pants, trash bag his shirt, get on, have a boombox, play the Hulk Hogan intro. And then just lay down. You could sleep for... No one would touch you for hours. Yeah, true. Especially with the pox going around.

Just shit. Yeah. You could shit the entire time. It's blockets hot. Take it dump. I took the train recently. I haven't been on the train since COVID. And yeah, it's chaos down there.

The penises are a myth. They're all about... There's chaos down there. There are penises. Dream come true. It's pretty funny. Finally. This is the New York I knew.

I've never... I've never not seen it. Now, it is startling when you see a dude dick out on the street. But I've never not gotten 10 feet further and been like, yo, that was hilarious. True. In that 10 feet range, though, it is like you get a little pep in your step. It's like a cup of coffee, dude. It is a cup of coffee.

Nice little cup of coffee. It's adrenaline rush. Yeah, I'll get you a pump. You have to shit. I can honestly almost do dick. I rushed. Starbucks bathrooms back up. I rushed to a toilet, dude.

You're finding something? Open it up. Some poppers going. The bathroom's fucking backed up in the Starbucks. I love that we're doing all these... Starbucks has like bathroom codes. Yeah. We're doing all these measures to prevent...

Every hotel has a fucking... You got to put your key on the elevator now. We're doing everything we can to just accept, solve the problem. Other than actually solving the problem, we're just like, all right, let's make it hard for these dudes to get anywhere. Get anywhere, yeah. Let's make it hard for these fucking guys. Well, just the dudes who own the businesses, have you ever been in like...

Like my brother had a taco shop and you would get a homeless guy walk in and they have to get out immediately. They fuck up the vibe. They crush the vibe for everyone in there. People always come and stand there and start begging for alms and it's just not pleasant when you're eating. You're just like... No.

Bro. Dude, that's how it is by the seller. That whole street is just... Oh yeah, they'll run up. The one's good at golf though. Yeah, Tiger Hood. Tiger Hood? Tiger Hood.

That's what's up. He has a cardboard... He makes cardboard square golf balls and he tries to hit over the street and he charges... That guy's pretty nice. That's awesome. And he dresses like Tiger Woods. He wears the red. Yeah.

Tiger on that street. Yeah. You run into some tough hombres. Do you really? Yeah. They come up just like... Fucking money. Like...

Oh. And it's these nice outdoor cafes. Yeah. Cafes. Yeah. Cafes. Japan. I love the beautiful cafes of Manhattan.

I love living in Manhattan. Dude, during COVID... I live in the financial district and I do cocaine. I'm a bitch. During COVID, I was eating at a restaurant and like right by the window. And a homeless dude just came up and just like stared at us the entire time. Dude, they must have had some good dicks and asses against the fucking plastic barriers. Dude, he...

And he just peed right there. Oh, yeah. All during COVID. He peed? And like I eventually just... Fantastic. I had to go outside and just give... I was like, I'm so sorry to do this, dude.

I have to give you $10 to stand somewhere else. Like you just can't stand here. Nice. Sorry. That's a fucking... That's feeding the birds though. No, it was feeding the birds but... And it worked.

That guy's gonna... He just went somewhere else and took his shit. No, we went back to that restaurant and he was there like weeks later. That's his home base for sure. He like got me easily. But I was just like, I can't... He told her off. She probably told the bros.

He was pissed in front of his restaurant. I was gonna give you 10. I would have ordered a bottle of champagne and instructed the waiter to pour it on him. Repel that, man. Repel that, man. He's disgusting me. But what would you have done, dude? Like I just couldn't...

You did the right thing but... Like I had to give him money and I had to get him away because it was just like ruining the experience. Would you have a waitress? Yeah. I would have summoned the waitress and said, hey, ma'am, as the customer, could you please physically escort that man off the premises? And she stuttered it all being like, what's the matter?

Are you scared? Do you not have the physical brawn and girth required to move this, man? True. You're a waitress in New York. Aren't you tough as nails? Are you tough as hell? Are you badass? What do you mean?

Wait, you single-handedly defeated COVID. You tell me you can't move this. You're the first response. I've been applauding for you for months. What was I applauding for? What was I whistling for? I need you to physically bully the schizophrenic man to another street. I need you to corral this man, entice him sexually and lure him to a park, brawn back.

It's the whole way. Am I dumb for saying sports journalists are getting right? Soft on. Aren't they doing that? On concussions. I mean, it is. Not soft on concussions but like, I don't know how to say this. They've got like super woke.

They hit me. Yeah, they're like actually woke as fuck. Yeah. They're like, dude, you cover the NFL. Yeah, it is the most barbaric sport of all time. We're just like training and dudes to launch each other. They're the fastest human beings that muscle can hold in a body, launching each other at each other with weapon helmets.

I mean, it is inherently dangerous, but they are also like killing people. They're killing themselves at like crazy rates. I don't know. Well, you ever get a concussion when you're bowling? I don't think. Well, never out cold. I mean, you got your bell rung. I got my bell rung a lot.

You got your bell rung. But not like, I mean, the dudes you see get concussions where they're like, their legs go out. Yeah. No, I never got that. Yeah, when they get the fencing syndrome. When they try to stand up and they're like, no, I never told anyone this. That's why I had to stop playing football.

I was giving out too many concussions. You're giving too many out. I was giving them out. They're like, bro, stand out. You're still one of them. You're a danger to the sport. Yes. I mean, dude, the sky was a limit for me, but they're like, bro, you're fucking dangerous.

You're a missile. There was a kid that played PV football. That's what we call the missile. The missile. He was the missile. That's a nice nickname. I was not big on the kickoff team. I believe so.

We played defense. He played, no, he actually played outside linebacker. They called the missile. Send in the missile. But no, I was pretty averse to tackling like people head on. I was more of like, let you pass. Now that we're talking football, I got a good story for you. An absolute menace entered my green room this weekend.

Holy shit, dude. So one time, one of my buddies came to my show in Chicago. He was my number one all time worst friend to come into a green room, yacked out of his fuck, dude, coked out of his mind. Like I've never, I've seen it twice. Yeah. I saw the bees man hit it once where I was like, holy shit, you're on cocaine. Like you could never, I could never like visibly see it where somebody's like, yeah,

they turn into, they turn into Beetlejuice. The bee, the bee's his feet. He was standing and going, Jesus Christ. He was like, fuck this guy. You fucking missed it. You're watching sports. Anytime sports are on the bees like, fuck, I had that guy. But I don't mean to, I don't mean to be smirks the bees, but he remembers.

It was funny. That's so fucking funny. This dude came into my green room in Chicago. He gets done. I got done up with the show. It was fine. He comes back. He's like, I give it about a C plus.

I would say that wasn't your best stuff. That was like a C. I was like, dude. Oh no. That was this again? No, this was like a year ago. And I was like, dude, please, please leave. Yeah.

Did you know him? Yeah. I knew him since we were kids. Oh really? Damn. And he left immediately and he was like, yes, sorry. So he knew he was wrong. This guy, he got me.

He came in linger, linger. Came after the first show, hit me with the same. He was like, you think that was good? Like he was like, is that what you're going to use for like your next special? Like just. What? And he just kept hitting me with shit. He was like, I remember like you sucked at football.

Like just like crazy shit. But I'm just like, why are you saying this stuff? I do like that though. I mean, that's a terrible thing to do. It's a fun thing to watch for somebody. Oh, it was fun. Just to have like someone's ego imploding and being like, I got to turn this around and being like, you know, you're not that good.

It was insane, dude. What? And like just kept hitting me with shit. Yeah. It's crazy how much like I saw you open this one time and the guy open for you was like so much better than you. And it was like, that guy should be getting all these headline stuff. You know, and I was like, yeah, man, like it was and and the other people in the green

like finance and the dude opening were like hesitant to talk shit on them because they thought we were boys. Yeah. I was being nice. I wasn't like, well, but he was the same boy. No, different guy. This is the number one worst friend in a greener. So he wasn't on coke.

He knows. He was on coke energy. It was not cocaine. This was drunk. But this guy, he's, he's always been like this is how he, he's a nice guy. But he can't help. There's something about him. He just hits you with personal attacks whenever he talks to you.

That's crazy. That doesn't sound like a nice guy, dude. I don't know if he's a nice guy. Yeah. But once you know him, you're like, that's just who he is. You might just love him and he's a mean guy. He's always going to say something shitty to you. I was just like, finally, right before I went on, I was like, dude.

Oh, cause then finally he was like, dude, and you went D one. Like, that's a weird thing. Now bring up football. All he was talking about was high school football because he played football the next year. He played one season a senior year. He was younger than you. Yeah. He was one year behind me.

That cannot stand. You're elder to him. Yeah. But he stoned him. My team went five and five. Yeah. We sucked. We were good.

And that's what he, he held onto that forever. He was like, everybody thought you guys were good. We were good. And I was like, dude, who cares? Oh man. But then this is what finally got me. He was like, yeah, like I remember we had that like the news came when I signed to go to army and he was like, I remember we were watching that and I was in the back like,

he's not going to make it. And I was just like, dude, you're a cunt. You've been a cunt. Do you know how lame you have to be to even in high school be a huge cunt and you haven't stopped being a cunt. You haven't graduated from your hatefulness. And I'm like, you were in the back in the library like, never going to make it. Dude, you're a pussy.

It was fun. How'd he take it? He, I think he got the picture. I think he was like, all right. He's a teacher in a rap song being like, you're never going to make it. But then, true. But then he was like, I'm going to stay and watch this show. So he was standing on the side and I did very well.

He was in the wings, dude. And every single time I did well, I'd look over at him and be like, kill. And I look at him like, how's this? Dumbass. And then we got off and he was like, that was a 10. That was the best show I've ever, I was like, yeah, you little fucker. Whoa. You little motherfucker.

Damn. I don't want to be too harsh on him. But for real, I've never seen someone harsh the vibes like that. Why did he put bad energy on you like that, dude? That's what he does. He's literally a hater. He might not be a friend. I hate to be one of those dudes that even says there's haters.

This dude is a natural hater. Yeah. It's pretty great. Well, I'm telling you, there's, there's, I think everyone has a little piece of it where you watch someone doing something. You're like, all right, what about this though? You're like, I'm better in this regard. Let me go tell him.

Yeah, but he wasn't. He's a five, five quarterback. He couldn't throw up the line. You got to keep digging. You got to keep digging. You got to keep digging though. I kept hitting him with shit. Once I realized he was being the total nasty little bitch, I started being like, dude,

but you only played one season. That's crazy. We were a pretty small school. How'd you wait till your senior year to see the field? That's also the worst place to attack you in a comedy green room. And then he, dude, he came back. He was like, no today and fucking stops. I just start to finish.

Dude, why are you doing that? That's a demon. Yeah. He was a deal. Oh dude, he hit me with fucking. He was like that last, the one Rogan you guys did where you guys got hammered right away. It was like, un-listenable.

I couldn't watch it. But the other one you did was pretty good. Why? Dude. Why? Dude. He's up and down. He's nagging you, dude.

He's nags. He would hit me with, yeah. Does he think that there's like value in honesty? Do you think that he thinks he's like the straight shooter in your life or something? I guess. Maybe he does. Maybe like just, he's trying to like. But it was, but then the next night he wasn't there and I was just in a quiet green room

watching Ghost in the Darkness. And I was like, I for real kind of missed that guy. I was about to say, which was better to be honest. I needed that energy. That was your muse. That was the best show of the week. That was your muse. You might have hallucinated this man.

That might just be your muse. He sucks. He sucks. He sucks. You stand up sucks. You can't even throw him a fucking line of scrimmage. He didn't find it. It's like, what are you talking about?

You're like, wow, man. Leave me. Leave me. You could have fought my devil on your shoulder if you were Tyler Durden. That could have. I might have durdened him. I kept looking in the side of the room. Everyone's like.

Oh, fuck. Yeah. He did fuel me to have easily the best show of the weekend. That's pretty tight. Yeah. I've never had a spiteful set of comedy like that. You need to bring him back. Dude be like, you suck and be like, watch this fucking piece of shit.

Bring the energy big time. Hey, how's everyone doing here? It's the weirdest. It's the weirdest thing to do comedy. Like, I listen to rap. Yeah. Like, I listen to like Drake and then go on stage. I'm like, I'm going to do this.

Or like, listen to rap like in my headphones walking to the venue. Yeah. It's such an opposite of like rap. Standups the opposite of rap. No, but Drake makes sense though, because he's like the main character in his songs. And it's like very like. True. All right.

Thank you. You're just like the main, you're just like this. I'm trying to make myself feel. And it can carry you through that pre-show kind of anxiety. Like, I'm a fucking worm. You just, you get to ride right through that. Like, no, I'm actually. That two hours in the hotel room before just like, I want to take a nap, but I don't have

enough time. Yeah. Now you got to just sit there. I wiped my ass weird. Just take a bad shit. Take like three. You will wipe your ass weird before every show. You will wipe your ass weird.

And then you'll take 10 tiny dick pisses where nothing comes out. I think I got a piss. So you don't have my entire set. Fuck. Fuck. What is it? You wipe your ass weird. Dude, I think my, my butt hole is offset to the left, dude.

I've been checking my splatter pattern and it's just like, it's on the left side. It's like, how is it on one side? You're hooking. I'm hooking dude. I got a slice. You might have a one last turn of your colon that goes. It shoots out the side. This might be, I might be exposing myself here too hard, but you ever hit under the fucking

seat? I think I had. It's insane dude. Forward under the seat. I'll take shits. I'll take a vicious splatter. Okay. And then lift the seat up.

I need to fight gravity. Or like later lift the seat up and there's shit under the lid. Yeah. I've been there before. And I don't understand it. I've never hit. That means when you're shitting there's shit. You like airbendered it.

It's like a hail. It's a hail storm dude. It's fucking like horizontal range. It's fucking crazy. Dude, you bent the bullet. You bent the bullet. The only thing I'll get every now and again is when you stamp, I'll stamp the toilet bowl.

I'll get shit on like the back of my ass and I'll get up and the whole back is shit. I'm like, what the fuck? Well, that's wild. That's also wild. I'll hit the top. Yeah. The top's fucked up. How do you hit the top?

I get like gravatron dumps where they just like, it all sticks to my ass. I stand up and I'm like, where'd it go? Just stuck to my ass. It's like stevo and the fucking, the poor body shit. Zero G dumps. The worst is, yeah, then I got to run. Eat an apple. Dude, you must be shitting when you're sane.

Dude, I don't know what happened. It happened to me like literally last night. I went to wipe. I went to wipe last night. You were shit on the top of your ass crack or like on your tailbone. I guess I just wipe it. I don't realize and I'll bring up myself a racing stripe. Oh, okay.

But last night I had a fucking stowaway. I went to wipe and it was just like, clunk. And I just fucking like proddy shop to turd. And I was like, ah, and I had to run because Brittany was waiting to take a piece. I'm like, you want me to just like get, I was telling her, I'm like, I'll just get up mid-dump UP and I'll get back to business. And she was like, dude, you are the weirdest fucking guy on it. I was like, I'll flush UP because I want to just read my book and enjoy myself.

I want to be out of the fucking. You guys have multiple bathrooms. Yeah, but we're all, I'm not going to make her walk all the way downstairs. We're on the third floor. So you pinched off and fucking went back. I was already done. I was already in my book and joined myself. It was chivalrous.

I'll give you that. But also, I've never been chivalrous. I've never ever been like, all right, I'll pinch this dump. You piss. I'll come back in and shit again. I said, I'm saying, I was like, I'll flush where I got now. You piss. I'm going to hop back on the turdlet and fucking read my book about fucking childhood in India.

There's no way that you had any, any poop the second time around. I didn't. I was done. I said, you're just sitting there fucking around. I said, Britt, I'm just making sure sometimes you get a last minute drop. Sometimes you get a little fucking nugget that comes off. Maybe the crowning, the little crown of the turd sometimes. Yes.

Head of the snake comes out. Yes. Dude, I stood up thinking she was coming back in and went to wife. When my God. I got globed and then I had a fucking like going this and his beeline to the shower. Bro, if she caught me with a turkey butt, dude, I would have fucking been fried. I had a turkey tail, dude. I fucking flushed and just booked thinking she was coming in.

I'm like, dude, she'll never let me live this down. Dude, I was at a wedding a couple of weekends ago. We stayed at the wedding and it was like a big house in South Carolina. Everybody had their own rooms and I like slept in my room, woke up the next morning and took like a post wedding dump, like a very beery, Bud Lighty gross dump. And I looked to the left and dude, there was no toilet paper in this room. I looked to the right. There's no soap.

There's no soap in the room. There's no soap. Yeah. I was about to do that. You didn't holler for help. Help! Help! What'd you do?

I fucking, I climbed into the fucking shower like a fucking like probiscous monkey with probiscous. I had the hand wipe, dude. I don't think I've ever hand wiped in my life. You had to get to the shower. Shit. It was horrific. We got to read ads.

Oh shit, yeah. And then we got to go to the Patreon. True, true. Yo, check out Gillian Keyves. Come on now. It's already out. Yo. Go check it out.

Yes. Go to Gillian Keyves.tv. Come on. Go get it. Don't fucks your problem, please. You can get that shit. That's going to be fun. We need it.

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We're just going to. Man. This is for men. Use the kitchen's scissors. Or whatever we can get our hands on. I do trim my pubes with the fucking scissors. You barber it up? Yeah.

I barber up. That's crazy. I barber. Yeah. But I use the manscape on my face. The one for the balls I use on my face. I don't know about you. I never trimmed my pubes once in high school.

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Oh, really? Oh, yeah. That's actually sad. They are actually really nice headphones. Damn, dude. We got the same good quality. We got the same sponsors, I think. Really?

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We need McKever to quit his job so we can make cool stuff. Pretty please? Thanks. Adam? Pretty please. Son of a boy, Dad's a great show. Thank you. You're the man.

Thank you for having me on. On the Patreon. Let's go ahead and talk about the fucking case race because I forgot about it. Oh, God. Oh, God. I forgot about your brothers in arms and that. The Backel. Yeah, it wasn't the Backel.

See you on the Patreon. And we got to hear about Project Veritas. Oh, yeah. I'm gonna do it. I'm sorry, I cut you off. You're fine.