Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 421 - Birthday Party (feat. Tim Butterly & Mike Rainey)

Episode Date: December 8, 2022

Get in on the super special live cast powered by moment https://www.moment.co/mssp Go watch Gilly and Keeves "The Special" @ gillyandkeeves.tv Support the D.A.W.G.Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod Support Mike & Tim @ patreon.com/dadmeatpodcast Buy Merch & Get Tickets to See Matt @ mssecretpodcast.com shanemgillis.com YO wuts gud. On this ep the D.A.W.G.Z. are joined by the Dad Meat bros. We celebrate Mike's born day with ice cream cake and some good ol' fashioned podcasting. What a blessed day. What a blessed podcast. Please enjoy. God bless.    Go to https://auraframes.com/mssp and get up to $30 off today.  Support the show and get 20% Off and Free Shipping with the code DRENCHED at https://Manscaped.com Support the show and get 20% off with the code DRENCHED at Lucy.co Get 25% OFF @ trueclassic with Promo Code DRENCHED at https://trueclassictees.com/DRENCHED #trueclassicpod

Let's go another trip around the song. Yes, another trip around the song. How did how did you feel about this year for yourself? I had a good year. I thought about killing myself over the summer. Yeah, which method? I didn't decide on that. But I was in the middle of the field at the end of our street screaming. My fucking brain is broken while there were people there. But Jamie talked me off the lid. But other than that, a pretty good year. She talked me off a second base. Other than that one, pretty tragic experience. We're doing pretty good now though. Yes, Mike Rainey, happy birthday. Happy birthday, bro. Blow the voice for something special.

Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, dear, my baby train. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday. Okay, I'm going to blow them out. Okay, so my podcast, I'm going to blow them out. Happy birthday. Wow. What a start. Happy birthday. Do you think, why do they make the room dark? Do you think that's the symbolized the womb? No, I smoke that. No, it blaze that shit. No, put a wet towel under the door. Do you think that's to symbolize the uterine darkness?

Turning the lights off? Yeah, you think it's to symbolize being in the womb? What's the candle then? Oh, that would be nice. The birth canal, the light? Yeah. The light at the end of your mother's. How funny it is when other little kids cry when they can't blow it out. It's every time. When they open presents, when you see them open presents, it's so funny. When they're like four years old, they'll be like, what's he have? The cousins come over, and they just start taking the box. You have to give it back and scream, cry. I was in that phase for a very long time. Like late, like I'd be like, I'm done opening my

Christmas presents. Like what's up? They got more than me. Why did they get more? When you were at these parties, would you be dressed like a Puerto Rican Power Ranger there? Dude, this is the Nocta collection from Drake and Nike. You could never even dream. I didn't get drunk in order to Drake tracksuit on the Internet. I regret it. I'll never wear it publicly. This is the only time I'll wear it. I'm telling you, you have to be down there chilling anytime you're outside. Just go, yeah, order the Nocta. I'm part of the Nocta. It also, a baklava is what completes it. I would need that. The sickest shit possible.

Yeah, true, true. Yeah, that'd be pretty cool. I just noticed the gold swoosh on the front. I mean, it's gleaming. This is a royal outfit. Yeah, that's what you want to be buried in. That's the color purple of our time. This was very important to me. I'm glad you guys are giving it attention. It's nice because it meant a lot to me. Bro, we're freeze framing this for when we have you taxidermy at a poker table like a Dominican guy. You know, just bust out, dude. What do you mean? Completely break out in this rocky tracksuit everywhere. Sick tracksuit. We're baklavas on my head all the time. Yeah, we're baklava, dude. Start wearing the white one. That's going to suck. They're going to have to eventually tell people you can't wear ski masks

and it's going to be hilarious. The white mask. What's the white mask? Yeah, we are getting in trouble with secret little meaties. We get around sales stuff you're not supposed to say. What do you got on underneath that? Sheath underwear. Nice. And a t-shirt under this. A Nate Diaz t-shirt. Those are my other outfits. More free stuff. I owe you a thank you because at Skankfest, you introduced Nate Diaz to my wife. Yes. And I had a holder back like a fucking rabbit pit bull. Yeah, that was right before chaos ensued. And there was the naked roast and Nate Diaz did not like it. I heard thought I was even gayer than they already do. Hey, guys, come hang out. There was a guy on the naked roast. His name is Harrison Dye.

He was very excited to meet all the bros. And so he does the naked roast and they make you walk off stage and all the way back to the green room naked. And so he's like he goes out. Everyone bombs. So he goes out bombs naked. He I'm saying this a nice way. He looked like when Chris Farley drove the bus in Billy Madison and they they march him back through through the crowd all the way back to the green room. And he said, I got back to the green room and I opened the door and the first two people I see are Shane and Nate Diaz. And he said, Nate looks at Shane and just goes, yeah, let's go somewhere else. I mean, that's a nice way of him, how he said it. He's like, yeah, let's get the I don't do that impression anymore. He's like, yo, let's get the fuck out of

here. This is gay. It's not that gay. It's kind of funny. I talked to I talked to I talked to Harrison after and he said he was like he physically repelled Nate Diaz away from the whole scene. He said he came out and the guy went, oh, man, Nate and his team, his squad got up in formation. Almost no words exchanged. The second and naked dude walked in there all like and hit the they hit the exit of me. Oh, you don't want to be the last dude. One of them stopped dropped and rolled. Yeah, I think I was the opposite. Yeah, I was like a 9 11 firefighter going toward me.

You're going into the place. Ma'am, so it's good to have you guys here. Thank you for having me. Thanks for having me. It was great here, man. Thank you. My girlfriend does a good job of cleaning it. This is really nice. If it were not for her, this place would be this is insane looking. This is top tier girlfriending. Yes, this is a part of this is lovely. Yes, it really is set up. Yeah, that's her spot. I I dominate that corner. You can literally if you get up and look at the cushions, you can see where I fucking dominate. It's wide. It's pretty fucking sad. You sit in the dinosaur footprint right now. Try my best to sit on that one. Occasionally it doesn't.

I'm an L guy myself. Yeah, L guy. Feet up. Oh, man. It is a very feminine spot. Sticks your gut. You're gutting bold. You go straight out. It's so bad. If I sit there, it's chaos, dude. You might have to pixelate this. You watch your birthday. It's your birthday, man. It's your day. It's your day. It's your day. Thank you. It's baby monkey's birthday. Mike, any cool presents this year? No, I haven't gotten anything yet. Um, this was very nice. This was a nice surprise. I think it's $46 fucking cake. I'm hoping to get a little PUSSY. Oh, for sure. It's your day. You can literally demand.

Yeah, it's the one day you can be a pussy brat. Yeah. Oh, yeah. How would you say it if you were me? They she's right there. You could talk to her. Demand pussy from my wife, Matt. Don't be nervous. I wouldn't even look at you, so it doesn't matter. I would just be sitting there going, man, that was a birthday. You tired at all? I'm not tired at all. I'm actually kind of awake still. That's crazy. I feel like you go for some pussy right now. I'm glad I didn't overdo it with the cake, man. I feel like I got a lot of juice left on me. I'm not stuffed. Yeah. Would you give me a head? I could use some head. Or I would. Or it just went full like Valentine's Day. Did you forget what today is?

Were you just not going to suck my meat? I'll do one of these. I just go, hey. Oh, come on. Okay. Wake up. Come on. I know you're tired. It's my birthday. Or the big thing is you get in bed and you lay there like this. Don't show that. Matt, stop, dude. You're talking fully new, though. You know what today is? I was born. I was born this day years ago, and now you can suck my penis. You know what I'm saying? My birthday is Sunday. Or next Sunday. What day is today? Tuesday. No, I mean the day. Sixth. Oh, yes. Yeah, it's coming up. Five days from now. Laundromat. There's a dog. There's these Hispanic women that work at the Laundromat, and they have this like a Mexican shrine to this dog named Rocky.

It's this little white terrier that sits on the clothes in the back and barks at you when you come in. So fucking funny. And they're like, Rocky, no. Rocky. Rocky. And then I came in and I was like, where's Rocky? Because he wasn't in there, but the shrine was up, and I was like, what's going on with Rocky? I like to fire him up and talk about Rocky. And she's like, it's Rocky's birthday this coming week. I was like, when is it? She was like, December 11th. I was like, that's my birthday. She was like, Santa Maria. She was like, no fucking way. So then I came back in yesterday. I mean, I don't mean to be racist. They look very similar. And they wear masks. Yeah. So I was like, hey, it's Rocky's birthday coming up. And she was like, that's not me,

but everybody knows it's also your birthday. Like it's news amongst the Mexican women that me and Rocky the dog have the same birthday. I'm very excited about it. You might be an honorary Latin people. I don't know why the story was dragging on. No, that's one of those things that you will get. So that would have me charged up. This shrine is incredible. It's a picture of the dog with like camels and shit, like those types of flowers around it. Like the frames made out of like paper, flowers and shit. It's great. Is it like a Dio's, Dale's and where today's almost thing? Kind of just to Rocky the dog. Yeah. Fuck. That's awesome. Imagine how pumped up you're a Mexican lady. You're in the laundromat. You see your Rocky shrine. You're just like,

fuck, that guy's the best. He's the lifeblood of the business. Yeah. Rocky. No, he barks the entire time. You stand there and wait for your fucking bill. It's just a dog barking in your face. Is he free? No, no, he's just, no, you get scared and wrong. He's a nasty little terrier. What kind of terrier? Talking Jack Ross, rat terrier. Sure, sure, sure. This is a short hair terrier. There's a, there was a driving ring, a golf course and a driving range down the street from me when I lived in the hood. And the driving range was actually back down this like very dangerous road behind a cemetery. And you get down there and it's owned by I think a Korean guy who's got an extremely well trained

Isn't that a Westie? Sorry to cut you off. No, no, no, no. We're talking dogs. That's a curly haired. Oh, that's a sweet pop. That's a sweet pop. Aren't they called Westies? I think so. Yeah. That's exciting. Yeah. That's what Rocky looks like. He's a man. Damn. And he yips it. He's a purina dog. And you go, shut the fuck up. That's not a very Latin dog. When the Mexican women don't look, I go, inch fucking Rocky. He flicks nuts. I don't know. Anyway, it's just an Asian guy sitting back there waiting for people to come hit golf balls with an extremely well trained Akita or Chibi or something. Well, how big is it? How big is it?

Medium sized dog? I don't know. Not like Chibi. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So he's got this thing trained. He can do like shoot it and it plays dead. It rolls over, but it's completely hostile to strangers because he lives in the hood, I guess. Yeah. Yeah. And also very loyal breed. Kind of family first breed. And he also was like kind of like ready. His fucking like furs all chopped up and shit. Anyway, that's that. I don't like business dogs. I typically don't like business dogs. Typically aren't that great. No, there was a lady that. Oh, I got one. There's a lady who owned a photography place by me. I forget it was filled with Newfoundland's was that big ass mountain or no, it's Bernie's mountain or Newfoundland's big boys. Yeah. Which

ones? Newfoundland's are all black. All right. So it was the Bernie's mountain. Yeah. They had the white pasture here. There's like four of them. They would like breed them. They're wonderful. Anyway, I'm just spurting on dog knowledge, white patch, brown paws, black coat, top coat. Yes. Yeah. I'm not a dog guy. Actually, when my wife, we go for walks a lot and I carry a knife in case I'm attacked by a dog. Really? Yeah. You bring a knife to be like if a dog comes out, I'm stabbing it. There's I'm always prepared and there's always an instance where it comes close. Really? Yep. Very territorial. I'm trying to get into hating dogs. A little bit. Why? What happened to you? Well, all right. The last time that I can remember being terrified of

a dog was I was going running. I got fired up during the 96 Olympics. That was after the blizzard? Wait, after the bombing? Yeah. It was it was during the Atlanta Olympics. I got fired up because like I really wanted a girlfriend and I got very into the women's gymnastics team. So I was like, all right, I'm too fat. I need to run. And I started running. And there was a dog that took off. I didn't see him at first, but he took off across his lawn and he stopped at the edge of his lawn. But it was enough to scare me to carry a knife in case I come across the dog. Really? Yeah. So 30 years of knife carrying for dogs?

What the fuck? I haven't had a bullet yet. Oh, man. Should have been carrying a torch. I got true classics as a Christmas gift for all of the jolly men in your life. True classic teas are a gift for you, for her, but don't call her jolly. And for any guy in your life, almost all men's t-shirts are designed to look good on certain body types. True classics team design t-shirts to make fellows of all sizes out there feel confident in their clothing. It's fucking Lane Bryan mandatory personal endorsement. It fits good. Actually, I like it. You know, I have like big broad shoulders and like crazy fucking traps and shit. But I do have kind of a little bit of bishops from polos to workout shirts to even boxer briefs designed to keep

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way to use nicotine, visit Lucy.co and use that promo code drenched. Thank you. My similar timeframe, probably like 95, 96. I was a little kid. It was like second grade and a friend's dog bit my ass. It was a German shepherd. He bit my ass and I had a vampire sunscreen in my ass cheeks. I got bitten a gut by a corgi, dude. Why? Because you put a peanut butter in his belly button. Too hard, too hard. Last teeth, last teeth. No, they had a dog. My friend had a dog that if you went bang bang. That's actually not illegal though. Above the waist is fine. It's definitely legal. No, it's definitely legal. Yeah, you can put peanut butter anywhere

other than your dick or ass. You can put it on like the pocket on your groin. You could do that and the breath could turn you on. That's street legal. No, they had this dog. If you went bang bang at it, it would spaz and chase you. So when we were kids, we'd bring it down to the park and put it on one side of the tennis court and go bang bang and then you'd have to run to the other side and chase you. So I'm standing directly across to it and I go bang bang and just went straight under the net. It's a corgi, dude. It's like they get his dog to get attacked by. You would remember this. Do you remember? This went straight under. I was like, I've been outsmarted again. This time by a corgi. Say, do you remember a police dog

biting a player during a college football game? Yeah, well, there was the dog. It's down south. There was Oga, the fucking Georgia Bulldog would snap a people. Okay. And yes, there was a police dog that bit somebody in the end zone. Yes. It might have been South Carolina. Okay. Sounds about right. A police dog just saw a football player right, ran into the end zone, sprinted right at him. That's like born identity, though. If you've been a police dog all your life, you see a black dude running full speed. This man, you're in Canada. A whole stadium like. Someone just clicked a thing and they're like, huh? Yeah. Georgia, the Georgia Bulldog tried to bite people sometimes. It was pretty fun. Yeah. And then he got chased off by the Texas Longhorn

before a game once he was yapping at the fucking Longhorn and it chased him. Almost killed him. It would have been very fun. Yeah, it'd be awesome. How do you think they would get that dog fired up before games? The slapping it around. You can really slap a bulldog around. It's all, it's like, it's your world. I think they show him like footage of like desegregation. A little round. The bigger the dog's head, the harder you can hit them without it being bad. Yeah. My dad still holds down. That's such a good fucking mascot. Look at this guy. That's fun. That's fun stuff. Guys, if you're listening at home, Google a good dog. Georgia Bulldog. And then just swipe through images while you're supposed to be podcasting.

Yeah. My dad's still to this day holds it down. Like you should definitely hit your dog. I connected with him over Thanksgiving. He was like, yo, man, my cousin brought his dog. My dad's like, yeah, I'm going to fucking kick the shit out of this thing. What do you do with little dogs though, man? Real little dogs? How are you supposed to discipline them? You're supposed to beat the owner. These are for girls. If you have a little dog, you are gay. You beat their owner? Yes. Now you can just, or you can just grab a little dog and chuck it. You can, you know, it's up to you. I don't, man, I don't hit dogs, but it's totally chill. You can fucking grip some dogs up though. I've seen you fucking a dog. I'm a work in progress,

dude. There's 30 people in the background, by the way. Oh, you got white clothes for the gang. That's wonderful. So I'm sure these fellas will drink it. By the way, speaking of white clothes and having a lot of fun, we're going to do the live stream. Oh, my goodness. We got to fucking promote this thing. The live show, dude. Live show is going to be very fun. We tried just for those of you at home, we tried to get Beetlejuice. We could not. That was, I was like, we can pull some strings, dude. We finally have clout. We can get a big get like Beetlejuice. Did you ask him or his handler? I asked people that worked that I knew from Stern,

and they asked his whoever's running stuff. I don't want to say handler. Yeah. Say manager. Yeah, sure. There's got to be a lot of situations where he's almost been kidnapped. At least some attempts. Oh, dude, that's right. He'd fuck them up. I was beat. I was talking to the guy Shuley from Stern and he was, he used to be Beetlejuice. It's like everybody else, they'd be on the road, would go out and party. Yeah. And he'd always get stuck in the hotel with Beetlejuice, just making sure Beet didn't fucking wander off or like, he had to hang out every night in the hotel as a Beetlejuice. He's an endangered species. And he would go out and go out. He's one of one. Oh, wow. Nice. Yeah, dude. We'll have one. Will you hand him another? Thank

you. Yeah, man. Keep my beloved off camera. True. But yeah, although the hand might be visible, I don't know. I don't know her race. No, thank you. It's the last thing we want. Dude. But yeah, so that'll be fun. The stream will be fun going there. Is this also going to be like live in person? Yes, there's going to be people there and then it'll be a live show. We do have one guest right now. I'm not going to name it. Big get. It should be fun. Yeah, and an interactive stream. There's an interactive stream. It might be. I really pray to God we don't see. I might have to have. You're right. I want nothing to do with it. What'd you call Shawn today? Hard peony. He might have hard peony moderating the live stream. That's because Shawn's

his lady, Shawn Hard peony. Such a fucking sexual picture. He's a fucking sex symbol, dude. Did you all be honest? Were you like, babe, babe, take a picture? Did you see it? No, I did not see it. I could tell by the photo it was definitely post or it was post-coitus. You guys were naked in a room together. You devil. Yes, I could tell. I could tell that it's shine. Did you have Shawn over his belly? You have your helmet peeking at the top of your waistband? Well, you probably were fully nude in the photo. Fuck, I would have liked to have seen that. I said, babe. Yeah, you look so hot in it. I said, babe, those likes are on me. You enjoy that. I bet you got groundskeeper Willie body. Yeah, he's Jack. He's a very, very abs.

He kind of has groundskeeper Willie head as well. Yeah, we'll have Shawn, Shawn Hard peony, Shawn, big, big, Shawn Hard peony. Let me see that. Dude, get out of here. And it's tasteful. It looks like your honor. She took that a mirror. It's safe to say you're in love. Wow. You're way too hot. Gardner came over my house one time and one of my daughter said, oh my God, he looks like Jake Jones. Yeah. Yeah. My girlfriend said that. Jake Joannall. Yeah. Yeah. And then, and then in a different conversation was like, I think Jake Joannall is hot. Yeah. And I was two and two together.

I was like that corgi. I did the math real quick. That's why I don't know if you notice I've been mean to Shawn for the last couple of months. Yeah. I'm as mean as I can be to him now. Yeah, I have no reason to jump in. Be quiet. You know not to talk during the podcast. I'm not. I'm definitely kidding. That's moment.com. That is going to be a fucking whooping. She's going to beat your ass. On my part, by the way. I'm like, no, I was joking.

Dude, if I'm in my Drake, if I'm in my Drake outfit, can't tell me nothing. Dude, my heart is cold. You gotta keep that on for a long time. You're going to be building up some social bits. I had a serious discussion last night with Brittany. We're talking about like what we're strategizing for. We're going to do the night of the live stream. We're just talking, coming, talking, not coming. We're sitting there talking. It's like a, we're just having a general like check-in. I was in a robe and my balls were sweating to the point where I was dropping drops of water hitting the floor. I was like, well, you got to think about it

and you're going to be up there and worried about the kids and it's just ball sweat splattering the floor. Wait, hold on. What was the fight? It wasn't even a fight. We were figuring out like, are you coming? Are you not coming? Here's why. Here's maybe why. You know, back and forth, back and forth. And that kind of sucked. You spiked your sack temp. My sack temp fucking, I had a fever. I had a fever on my sack. And dude, I was, I never had my, I wear that robe every day. You wanted it so bad. You wanted to go up here alone so bad, dude. Your balls are like, please, please, please. Your balls are doing this the whole time. Did you think about putting a little wristband on them? I should have. I need like a tennis

sweat band. I never had my nuts sweat like that. Dude, it was full fucking. I get an occasion, dropping dude, especially during a podcast. I'll like, I'll be sitting down during a podcast and get up and be like, dude, my dick and fucking ass is drenched. Yeah, they've become one. It's, yeah, it's just, I can move like a slope on the ground. I could slide. When I hit like, end transmission on Twitch, it's like getting out of a pool. I'm fucking soaked. That's the only time. Really? I feel dripping down my side, dripping down my fucking tits. I don't do that. I usually don't sweat, man. My body's going through changes. I usually don't sweat. You're becoming a man. I think I'm becoming a man. You're becoming a man. I finally was like,

well, here's an idea I have to my wife and my body was like, what the fuck's going on? Fight. My body just started fucking sweating. I was like, dude, don't fucking share your ideas. Matt, do you get hot balls when you get riled up sexually? Definitely, I would say. Really? Yeah. Hot balls. Like, they heat up? Yeah. I'm pretty sure. I like, I like kind of salivate a little bit. If I get riled up sexually in my mouth waters. Whoa. Yeah, dude. It's a problem. Nipples get hard? Yeah. My nipples are very sensitive. Is your nipples starting smoking? You're getting your nipples sucked on? Yeah, dude. I love getting my nipples sucked on in a while. I'm going to get them sucked on. Get them sucked. Oh, yeah. Didn't you used to get jerked off and sucked? Yeah,

dude. That's my go to. I can't believe I knocked it for that. How good is that, dude? How good is that? I'm talking about like, dude, I'm not trying to make any waves. I'm like, how about a little HJ? Easy. And it's like, yo, mine's talking about nipples. That's, that's like when, you know, people on heroin do like a little bit of a methadone and then Xanax? Yeah. Get a hand job when your nipple nipples sucked is like, when you take your methadone, it's like you're doing heroin. He was like, ah, yeah. Your body just, that's that like short wire, some sort of circuitry in your body where like, I'm getting pussy right now. Do you just get one sucked or alternating? Well, I mean, ideally my left, but it's like, they have a health gauge. Each nipple has a health

gauge. You gotta complete that health gauge and then move on the other one while the other one recharges. I mean, if she wants to move around, that's cool. But if she wants to latch on to one, that's fine. The left is closer to your heart. True. I'm telling you, man, nipples suck HJ. Whew, man. Shane, do your nipples get super hard when you roast? Oh, never. This isn't about me, dude. I'm not a sex pervert. I'm not a freak sex pervert. Dude, I'm off the porn still. Look what's happening. Dude, it feels good. Why would I fight my biology? I also went to poo the Vaseline the other day. I need to spice it up a little bit.

You're doing the right thing. Being off the porn is great and I support it. It's been tough, but it's like, I can't go back now. How affectionate are you with your wife now? Wildly. In the morning, I'll stop. I do a thing where I freeze time. In the morning, we're sitting there. It's like we're busy and I stop and just look at her and I just walk towards her and hug her. It's so timeless. And then we just go back to my day. It's freeze time. I'm picking up your slack. Dude, I go over and I just go, babe, get the fuck over here. I love my porn. Oh, really? Yeah. That's good. You embrace it. It's two. It doesn't, for me, it goes just, I can fall into the porn hole so easily. I have to stay out. I have to completely stay off the

break. How much do you like it? I watch most days. The only time where I felt like it got treacherous was I was spending $50 a month on OnlyFans. That's quite a bit. What are you talking about, like, watching it most days? Like, how long are you watching it? Once or twice. No, but like, length? Once or twice a day? Yeah. Twice a day. Sometimes. I would say maybe like 10 minutes at a clip. Okay. All right. See, I'm a big find the perfect video head so I can spend like 30 minutes browsing and be like, is this really the one I'm going to give myself to? Yeah. Like, start searching a little more. It means some to you. Yeah. Dude, and then, you know, God forbid you just start hitting up. It's just, I'm big on audio. I'm not going to talk about it.

The audio is going to be right. I mean, there's a lot like I like amateur stuff. And there's times where like you could hear them playing like yin-yang twins in the background. And I don't like that. I like to hear the communication between the two. I like hearing the news sometimes in the background. There was like watching the news. Yeah. Some ladies like, I feel like it's always family guy. They're always watching cartoons. Dude, I feel like that's taken over the animated porn market. Family guy stuff. Yeah. I've never got into the animated porn. It'll find you. I don't think it will. It's a calling, dude. I've made it pretty far. Yeah. It's all CGI now. Now Overwatch is the big animated porn. I'll be honest, there's CGI ads. I know we've talked about them

before. You wouldn't last five minutes, dude. I wouldn't last five minutes playing this game. Master Bader's hater for this one trick. You wouldn't last five minutes. No, we talked about it. It was the lady getting fucked, the animated lady. Yeah. My husband's almost home. I'll stop, man. I'm just waiting for the thing to load. I'm like, geez, you're going to make me pop on this one. I'm going to pop to a cartoon accident. I told you I downloaded the game one time. That's why I can't have porn. I downloaded the game and it was just something entirely else. It was almost like a used car. It was something ridiculous. When you download the game, you're done with porn. You're off, bro. It's on AutoTrader. Yeah, I was on the list.

It was just, is that what precipitated you going off the nog? No, this was years ago. Rainy, I wish. It's a porno, dude. What happened? Just an absolute porno. What were you in? If you don't want to talk about this. No, you can talk about it. You start jerking off the hooker ads. You start looking at them like, oh, she's very close. Yes. That's when it started. You follow her here, her voice hang up real quick. Maybe she gets angry and calls you back.

You're talking about wasting time now. No, man. I've done it. I've done it. That's a mortal sin. Hey, man, webcam sesh, webcam sesh. That's the next one I call in the credit card company going, yeah, I have this charge on my thing. That's not mine. But they give it back to you? Oh, yeah. The credit card's your best. Don't give you back. I mean, you know, don't abuse it, but you could, one could wander into the wash. Don't ask them what they're wearing.

Wake up and go, what the hell is that? What the fuck is that thing? Yeah, I never called that lady. I never went. I never saw on a spa. Not me. You can get one free trip to the wash here and contest it and be like, the fuck is that? They don't even know that place. They'll take it. They'll just wipe it right off. I call a lady. You can't have like the, you know, the Korean lady can't call and be like, I jerked that guy off. Hey, Max, I jerked that guy off. I still feel bad about this, but one time I called phone sex and put him on the phone with my wife.

And then I drank like two pints of vodka that night. So while my wife was talking to this lady, I went into the bathroom and threw up. Oh man. That's pretty awesome. But what was the, what was like the plan? I wanted to hear my wife talk sexy to another woman. So like I was eating my wife out while she talked to this phone hooker and then like two minutes in, I started feeling sick. So I ran into the bathroom with the phone hooker and threw up. Wait, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Please repeat. Oh my God. I'm sorry. Dude, I spent the night drinking vodka in my living room. My lovely wife was like watching me and listening to me rap in the living room.

What year was this? Probably 2013. Oh, so I mean, wait, this is like post. It was Wu Tang and mob deep that I was. That's what you're rapping. Now you're going with music or you just go? Yeah, with the music. Not on my own. And then bless her heart. Nice as fucking lady in the world. She came upstairs and I was like, I took her pants off and I started dialing phones next while she was looking on the bed. And then I was like here and I just handed her the phone without telling her what was happening or G dude. And you performed oral while she was on the phone for like a minute and then I came back and got to work.

I had to take a half day of the work that day. Oh, wow. Did you rap triumph? Yeah, I bombatomically. Socrates philosophies. The four ladies like are you squirting? She's like, no, my husband's throwing up. Now, have you ever thought about sitting down in the computer chair, making her DM some of the only fans, ladies? I wouldn't do that, man. Why not? That's way better. Dude, that's that's the one path I want to go down. Sorry about your boyfriend's making his arm or whatever.

Those are his goomahs, dude. He can never let his wife meet his beautiful goomahs, his internet goomahs. Tim, it's funny you mentioned that because that's one of the appeals of only fans. Are you an only fans man? No, I tried it and I felt badly about it. It is because a lot of times they'll mention shit like that. Like, hey, my special needs son needs a fucking wheelchair. So could you guys tip special today? Yeah, customs are $9.99 this month because my, you know, my son broke his arm, fighting his stepdad, fighting the kids at school. Yeah. Can you hit him with a pruvit?

Picks of your injured son. If they're lying about that, that's terrible. That's where I draw the line. I trust them, man. They. Yeah, true. The ladies I follow look like they got some special kids. That'd be dastardly if they lie. Yeah, I guess they don't. So you can really, can you just find like, because there's like probably stars on there, but then there's like women in the trenches. Do you find the women in the trenches? The island of misfit toys is more my speed.

If you look like you've been hit by a car and should not have survived, I'll probably subscribe to your only friends. Like girls that look like they are like, they're fighting a workers' calm case at CVS. Just like fucking cross-eyed pigs. 30 feet. Anytime I've shown Tim my only fans, he reacts like, like he's reading bad news. It's terrible. It's the worst shit in the world. Yeah, like he remembers where he was.

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Oh man. Speaking of which. Wow. Speaking of books. Yeah. This this week on perks is finally being printed. Yes. Took me a long while to get here, but here I am.

But yeah, if you go to own perks.com, you can purchase my new book and it is as retarded as it seems. So I have about close to three years of Facebook posts. I was addicted to perks. And unfortunately during that time, I was very active on Facebook. So this is a collection of a few rare, by the way. I don't want to cut you. That's rare.

Whenever, whenever someone's in an open edition, I feel like they kind of fall off the book for a while. Yeah, they drift off. I feel like they drift off and come back. Whenever I see a dude who won't shut the fuck up on, maybe it's because of Mike, but when I see a dude who won't shut the fuck up on Facebook again, I guess it's a fucking no problem.

Yes. Yeah. I've seen dudes like completely fall off and then they come back. They get sober and they come back on. They take like one picture with their nephew and they're like, oh, yeah, Facebook is bright. And the cleanest white t-shirt of all time. They come back and then they're in a they're crazy. They're gonna move so fast like the how you act on there.

Yeah. Then they get back on Facebook and they're like, I don't know, post some shit that you would like. They're doing like the fucking ice bucket challenge. They're like back in the city. They're like frozen. They're like, damn, figure out about that. Watching your uncles catch up on memes after rehab is fucking nice, dude.

Watching minions, dude. He's on methadone. The minions crush the methadone, bros. I had a friend get out of jail and I'm like, yo, have you heard about the Illuminati? And we were like 29. I was like, yeah, bro, I heard about them. Heard about those guys.

Covered that nine years ago. So Mike wouldn't shut the fuck up on Facebook. And the whole time he was addicted to drugs, I just thought he was like the coolest guy I knew. I knew he's doing drugs. I was like, damn, that's pretty cool. I did not know no one intervention number anything. The only night where I know Tim was actually concerned

was the very first night that I smoked crack. Whoa. I called him from Atlantic City and I went there. I took off. I tried not to pass my let my wife see me as I passed her. I got her right on the Atlantic City Expressway. Went down there. One thing led to another.

And unfortunately I did smoke crack. Was it fun though? I didn't like it. Oh. It was too fast. And then I called. Too furious even? It was.

Yeah. How fast was it? Paul Walker fast. Yeah, you're fine. Dude, I didn't like it. Really? So you got high like on the inhale. Yeah, I didn't like it too much, man.

Not for you. No. One star. Yeah, it was definitely one star. So you smote the glass pipe with the rock in the end. Yeah. Faberize it. I guess this is how most people end up smoking crack,

but it's like you're doing coke and then the guy that got it for me was the crack head. Yeah. And I was like, can we get some more powder cocaine? And he's like, no. He's like, but I have this. I can chop this up, dude. But why don't we cut off the middle and just smoke it. So I texted all the contacts on my phone and asked him to send me 100 bucks to Western Union

in Atlantic City. Tim did. Tim called me and he's like, are you okay? I was like, oh yeah, man. I'm just in Atlantic City. I'm just having fun. I also, by the way, I also had to admit to you that I didn't own a hundred dollars. I didn't want to send it over text and make it sound insincere.

You did moral support though. Oh yeah. Yeah. Very sweet. Damn. Yeah. It was four in the morning. I just got an iPod touch and I pawned that.

Damn. 20 bucks. 20 bucks. For crack. Yeah. So you didn't like it, but you figured you doubled down. I mean, I was already in trouble. So.

Yeah. Why not? Why not? Let's just be like, let me just see if I can get it. Like, you know, it's probably like a quiet taste. First couple of times like that was good. I think people either take to it or don't. Thankfully.

Yeah, it wasn't for you. Yeah, it was two and done. So it was a burn on the inhale. Walk me through. It has a distinct smell. And I don't like smoking things to begin with. So like that was awkward. Yeah.

Every one of them smells awkward. Awkward. I usually don't do this. Random. I usually don't do this, but. I am in Atlantic City. How was the dude? How was your companion?

Super sweet guy. Nice. Just the guy that was hanging outside of the motel. Sick. And he's a little angel. And what did you guys do that evening? It was the first of the crack. What was going on?

Well, it was the first night of the Stanley Cup finals. So we watched that for a while. And it was 13. Yeah, it was Devils. Oh, okay. Kings, I think. Or wait, Kings. The Kings were definitely playing.

It was 2010, the Flyers. Yeah. Yeah, never mind. So this was 2012, actually. So the Kings were definitely playing. Nice. So you were cheering for the Kings. They had those forms for them.

Yeah, Richard's in that quarter. Yeah, it was poem form. Yeah. And you were doing the best thing you could to support them. I was, yeah. You were smoking crack. You were like, come on, Kings. Long to see Richard's get one right now.

Yeah, brother. The guy deserves it. He's toiling, Philly. Oh. So it happened. The night just ran out, man. Yeah, so I came up on you. It did.

And fortunately, one of my buddies was playing poker down there. So Danny Ozark, I met up with him. He gave me $40 because I was out of gas, too. So he gave me gas money and I had total money and I made it home. And then two friends actually did Western Union and me money. Yeah. So I got it when I got to the Kmart by our house, just so I could prove to my wife that I was coming home with money.

Like you won, basically? Yeah, I came home with $200. Because I knew she was going to say like, and I guarantee you don't have any money. I was like, yeah, well, what about this? That came in handy. That was that crack brain being like, dude, we got this. Rip off your friends just in case your bitch voice comes.

Act like we're losers. We're not losers. Damn. So whatever. So that kind of a win in my book. I'm not hearing the problem here. Damn. So that was that rock bottom or close?

No, you still had a couple more years in the tank. Dude, well, that was like three weeks before I got in the perks. Oh, Jesus. I had sworn off everything at that point. And then I had like a job at a place that was like UPS, but not a UPS, not exactly UPS. And I hurt my back. And then they instantly gave me perks.

And then once they determined the severity of the injury, he's like, here, I got between 120 and 180 a week. And I was off to the races, baby. Jesus Christ. Holy fuck. They had a good time. Did you know, what was your knowledge of them when you got hurt where you just kind of like,

I guess I'll help. I had taken them before. I had broken my hand like four years prior when I presented my wife with earrings at my parents' house. And when you're in the kitchen, I gave them to my wife and I was like, she's going to love these. I haven't given her anything in a while. She opened them.

She looks at the earrings. She's like, I don't even have my ears pierced. So then I punched the fridge and I broke my hand. And then Perks found you. Yeah, the universe found a way, man. This guy needs Perks. I got him. So it was from a broken hand is how you got addicted to Perks.

Dude, break your hand on the fridge. That's like the red hotline phone for Perks. And you broke a glass. Break your hand in case of emergency. I think you yelled after punching the fridge. You don't think I yelled after punching the fridge? Yeah, it was my mom's fridge, man. Oh, my God, Michael.

Great. Good. I hope you're happy. Oh, that's great. Look what you've done to your hand. Come here. Let me see. Impressive, Fred.

You got a necklace. Frank, you're running. That'll work. What's the life alert? Is that the old people's one? Yeah. This is Perkler, dude. This one's like, here's.

There probably is a new punch like a nice suspense. They're hard enough. Yeah, just trying to squeeze my Perkler with my broken hand. So then they were just like, that's so funny, too. That was 2013. Like, what did you do? You punched the fridge? Here's drugs.

Here's very addictive drugs. You'll be fine. You're going to tough this out. Yeah, that was Jesus Christ for a broken hand. They give you a bunch of Perks. They give it to me for a sore throat. I had a sore throat one time. Like, do you want Perkler sets?

And I was like, no. They're like, no, seriously, it's fine. You can use them. I was like, I'm good. Yeah. Dude, back then, you can get them for anything. Yeah, it was nuts. I've never once gotten them.

Really? Yeah. I think you mentioned this before, and I think this is the reason why. They just see your zip code. They see your zip code and you go, well, I'd be proven 800. You go, oh, OK. Well, that surgery felt pretty serious.

Although, I don't know, Delco is like minor leagues of opiate addiction. Yeah, you guys are not on. Compared to Kensington. You guys are a feeder neighborhood for us. You guys take the train down to where we live and get stuck. You guys are the iron pigs. For sure. Those are the fight ends up in Kensington.

You get under the play lights. Which are under the train. That's the lead, dude. That's the show. Welcome to the show, dude. Yeah, Delco, we have a master to openly shooting heroin yet in the States. We're not there.

The show is real, though. Kensington's got it down. It's crazy. Yeah, dude. We got to figure out our live show, too. Right. We got to do cool stuff. You had a nice idea.

I think it'll be pretty fun. What do you say? Can you share it? We can share it, I think. Yeah, I think so. It's a plan that might happen. We'll see. If anyone knows a professional opera singer,

I might have Sean Harpini curate comments. Matt wanted to have an opera singer. And then feed the funniest comments or whatever to the opera singer to have this guy belt out funny words. Funny things. But in a beautiful baritone. I didn't see. You never told me the funny part.

All I got was a text that was like, we should get an opera singer. And I was like, that's my bad. All right. Yeah, I'm down, actually. That's an epic communication for me. I was like, if you want to get an opera singer, yes. That is funny.

Jesus, man. I didn't know there was a joke part was involved. Such a dumb ass. Matt. No, what you could do is, you know, how they do Twitch plays, right? So they do Twitch plays Pokemon, a Twitch streamer puts on Pokemon

and the chat has to play the game via comments. You could do some one entire opera. I want nothing to do with the chat. From live chat. The chat. This is for the opera singer. All right. The opera singer.

So the chat. The opera singer's just going to be like, Shane is a faggot. You're right. This is a funny idea. That is hilarious. God damn it, that's funny. Or he could just, if he was savvy enough,

he could just pick up and like, if there's, if it starts to kind of lull it all, which it won't. But it will be no lulls. If it ever even like felt like we took a breath from laughing. If this is half as good as our fucking skanksfest live podcast.

Bro, that thing was nasty. No, this is, this is all in. I've totally reformulated, reformulated my energy into podcast. Yeah. I'm all burners on now. We got to get this thing up to 30 million views in the episode, dude.

This is bullshit. Absolutely. Dude. With my blog and your connections to power fans. 00:48:37,760 --> 00:48:38,560 What's the point? With my blog. It's my new blog.

Dude, I didn't want to. Should I talk about the text I got? Or is that too intense? I don't think so. You have a duty. Trying to get this 30 mil, dude. Bro, one of the craziest things. It was right after you guys saw

a yay on Alex Jones. Yeah. So I'm on the flight home from, I don't know, Florida, I think. No, I was in Austin. Yeah. And I was fine home. And I'm watching that the whole day.

Just like, no, yay, no. Nay, nay, nay, damn it. It's like, I get what he's trying to do. Yeah. Yeah. What he thinks, what he's like, Jesus would love everybody. I love everybody.

Yeah. And he keeps trying to say the worst things possible. He's trying to get canceled. He's trying to be a martyr. That's what I've... That's what I'm hoping. He's trying to show the little dot inside the yin-yang, dude. When he does that, he's like,

that one thing he did on Alex Jones was just, you mean to tell me that every single Nazi was bad? Some weren't just fighting for the country? Yeah. You're like, God, please don't do it. Please stop making me say that. Some Nazis were good. Obviously, yes, there's...

Yes, yes, the answer is yes. Some were probably fucking cool. Valkyrie, dude. That guy was cool. Tom Cruise in the movie Valkyrie. He was awesome. Yeah, dude. And Blightson from Street Fighter rules.

So don't make me say it all out. I hate to spill the beans, but I got a text that said, yo, it's yay. And Kanye contacted me that day. That day he was... That day he was on a tour. That night, yes.

And he wanted to work on something. On his media daily storm? And unfortunately, I had to decline. What? Yeah. He should be here eating birthday cake. You know, the views, we could do that, but I do feel like the people that are latching on to him

are taking advantage of whatever's going on. Yeah. And that looks fucking lame. Yeah, it's sinister. Because yay is the best. Well, that kind of sucks, because I want to give my views on Israel right now, if you don't mind.

See, I already feel weird about talking about it. That is funny. It's a funny thing to have him... I mean, it was crazy. It gave me like my face got hot. I was in an Uber, I was talking to Matt, and I was like, dude, yay, he just texted me. That's crazy.

Did you show that to the guy next to you? I was in the back of an Uber, just like... Like, he wants to talk right now. I was like, I'm in an airport, I can't. I was just trying to buy time. I was like, holy fuck, holy fuck. Because I knew whatever he said, I was going to say yes. I fucking love Kanye West.

I love his music. I love his music so much. You're doing the right thing. You're doing the right thing. Yeah, it was hard. Huge Kanye West fan. Can't stand his music. I'm not into that fucking crap.

Pull your pants up. You're the best at everything. Yeah, I feel uncomfortable about that. Although, I will say, he's on Alice Jones. It needs to be pointed out that Kanye texted you. Dude, it fucked me up. Him on Jones was, no one better to interview him than Alice Jones.

Yeah. So, what am I saying? The Nazis are cool. I don't like them. They kind of like attack people. Yeah, tell them. You don't like Nazis, so I like Hitler. Yeah, dude, the one that caught him.

Like, he's like, we're having fun here. We're just fucking around. Everybody's crazy here. All right, we're going to head to break. And then, just Kanye, like, well, all the cameras panning past the desk. He's like, I like Hitler. He must have been like, god damn it.

Shut the fuck up, dude. He's, no, he was like, yeah, we're going megafile right now. I don't think you really want me to tweet. It's lit. It's lit. It's lit. You can't say it is lit.

Have you thought about texting him about other stuff? No, I don't want to bother him. Yeah. And I don't, yeah. Of course, there's that fucking fame-hungry party that's like, yes, do it. Yeah. Yeah, that's like, be doing it big.

And then don't. And then do not do that. And then do, yeah. You know, but I was like, dude, you fucking talked to him right now. And you're like, I was like, yeah. Everybody, that was every single person's reaction. He was like, do it.

I also had no idea. We would lose everything. I had no idea what his hijinks were that day. I was like, yeah, dude, definitely. That was that was the problem. I said, did you see what he said? And I looked it up and went, yeah, too much soda. He might have, yeah.

He might have, dude. He had surge at the birthday party. He might have jolt. He had a couple jolts. Kanye, he's on the Pepsi. Yeah, I was just super sleepy. He might have been just super sleepy. Yeah.

Are you? Yeah, it sucks. I mean, dude, it's definitely one of the most interesting things ever happened. Also, that day was we were on Rogan. We did like 10 minutes on how great Kanye is. Yeah. We get done with the episode that doesn't come out

until today or tomorrow. Uh-oh. Yeah. It's literally Rogan like, look at this guy. He's a genius. Oh, I do. Put up this video of him at the Amazon concert. It's the best thing I've ever seen.

And then we get done on, you know, anxiety from doing that podcast. And the next day I'm on the plane like, oh, God. What have I done? Yeah, I mean. Then you get a text from him. And it's like, damn, spooky stuff. Very scary times.

That is spooky stuff. Yeah, it fucked me up. And I was on mushrooms on Rogan. So I was on the mushroom hangover the next day. It was a lot. That's a lot. It's a lot to take in. It was a lot, dude.

I'm sweating in my robe. I'm trying to make plans in my robe. My balls are dropping on the floor. I'm having a panic attack in an Uber. Leaving JFK. Just like, man, I got to go. I got to talk to you later, dude. I'm going to believe what's going on.

I'll see you later. I was saying to Shay that how funny is it that Kanye and his head is like, well, I'll just go on Gillian Keeves. It'll be fine. That's fine. I'll just go on Matt and Jay. Whatever.

He's right that we do need to preach love and forgiveness. It's just, yeah, I think the sands of time, maybe you got to deal with him in like a 500-year span. Yes. But it's like right now. You just got to go. All right, Hitler, back of the line for love and forgiveness. We'll take care of everybody else first.

Yeah, yeah, get all the way back. For sure. He jumped the line. But it's, you know, again, 90% of people are going, what did he do? It's fucking weird. Well, did you use who's really hot-blooded? I've seen so many comedians now who are like,

it's like, well, anti-Semitism has no place. He's like, come on, this isn't real stuff. Maybe you could do like supervised podcasting, like they do supervised visitation, just to see if you can handle like 15 minutes of time. And a half hour, what do you mean hour? With yay? Yeah, just have like a word of the state come with you,

just to see if you can keep it together for like 15 minutes. Dude, if I would join immediately, immediately, he'd be like, this is how I feel. I'd be like, you're exactly right. You're right, dude. It's fucking unbelievable. They're fucking killing us, dude. As you see, his subreddit got turned into

like a Holocaust awareness thing. Really? His subreddit got turned into all of his, yeah, the headlines are like, Kanye's fans turned his subreddit into like a Holocaust awareness page. That is one thing people seem to be a little unaware of. Yeah.

What do they do? Just like stream clips of like, I think they just post like numbers and stuff and go, this is real for sure. They ran ads for a Holocaust Co. A little fucked up if you ask me. They what? Ran ads for a Holocaust Co.

Hey, hey, birthday one. You got too much soda. I got brownie in me. He's going to be on here one way or another. Can you give me another white claw? I feel like the whole thing just launched like a two week rum springer on like Jewish jokes on podcasts and it's like, now I'm all out.

I'm done. I'm like, I'm out. Yeah, it makes, yeah. I'm out. I've had it. Yeah, I was already running pretty hot. Yeah, it's like, all right, that was cool. Chill out for another, you know, hopefully 30 years or so.

Yeah. Does anybody else, would anybody else like a white claw? Yeah, I'd all grab another one. Thank you. We got a 10 o'clock show. That'll be fun. Yeah, dude. That's my, my whole concern is not even concern,

but it's like, dude, if you were really pull a bunch of people and hook them up to like blood pressure tests and be like, yo, how pissed are you about this? I think 90% of people will be like, yeah, it's fucking weird. I've run into a couple that were actually upset. Yeah. Now. The one lady I know is from Poland.

And her, she's old and her parents were in, they were Jewish in Poland. You okay? During the Holocaust. Checks out. Okay. So, yeah, all right. Checks out.

She's like, you can't, she got to shut the fuck up about it. Don't joke about it. Yeah. Checks out. You know, she's got it. I'd be pissed. Yeah, makes sense. But I don't know, this whole thing's gay and I'd feel stupid.

Yeah, it's okay for bringing it up. No, that's the only, that's what will get you when someone is actually like, that's the only time I really feel anything when I know somebody who's actually a physical being is like, no, it actually, here's why I feel bad now. Yeah. I won't laugh about it when you're around. But most of it's the realm of abstraction where you're just

kind of like, dude, we're having a laugh. We're having a laugh. We're having a goof. There is the most famous person in the world denying the Holocaust right now on a meta level. It's funny. On a meta level. Because it's so ridiculous.

Yeah, take yourself out of the equation. It's funny. When he was like, if you were like, if you went back in time and he was like, George Bush doesn't care about black people, you got to sit there in your time machine and go, Oh, you guys just wait for the lid pops off of this guy. That's a funny thing to think about. It is very funny.

When you just get out of the fourth dimension, this whole stuff gets kind of funny. True. When you can just spend time, it's like, it's kind of all kind of funny. You used to spend time. It's all kind of funny if you can spend time. You go to a doctor's.

You're like, Holocaust. There's an alternate time. Or funny. There's an alternate timeline where you're the only thing that's different. Oh, shut the close. Close that. That's terrible.

Close that one. Don't do that one. Well, how did I move my forearms on that one? That was ice cream cake sweating, dude. You gotta eat the fucking cake. I spent everything on this thing. But no, I hope ever. You're not going to have a slice of cake.

I'm definitely going to eat it. You eat the fucking cake. I just want to hear the rest of your Kanye story. No, that was it. I don't want to delve into it anymore because I feel like I'm already taking advantage of... That's what he gets for texting you. That's what I mean.

I hate that. Although all the guy does is screenshot conversations and texts with other people. True. But then again, he also, I could be having a thing. He might be having a bit of a mental breakdown. I think he is. He could be.

Or he's a genius that's trying to show everybody that you can be a martyr and lose everything publicly. Well, I also did. One of those things. They didn't get to just get it all away. I think he's probably. 200,000 martyrs. I'll be honest.

I think this guy just fucking happened. Yeah. And I don't want to be in advantage of it. I was more so on the like, oh, maybe he's next level and I've been watching it going. 00:59:20,880 --> 00:59:22,800 You know, I just wish he was in there. Musically, absolutely next level.

That fucking, again, that fucking Amazon concerts makes me happy. Yeah. It was also also when he came out at the time, it'd be like, I love Trump. That was a taboo. He was breaking the taboo. Yeah. And it was like, all right, cool.

He got to taste it. He got to taste the breaking taboo. He goes, taboos, huh? Going to the ultimate one. I'm going to the number one. What if the black Israelites texted you on the plane? Would you invite them on? On to the podcast?

Yeah. They were just backed by a line of black guys with swords. That would be a little worrisome, the swords. But yes, if they were defending our. Yes, they'd be like banner lord. I saw them. I would recruit them. I'd say, you guys, you will join my squad.

You'll join my squad. And we're actually going to go after the other black Israelites. They will, the black Israelites will hit you with the thing that hurts you the most as you walk by, just going to work mine in your business. Yeah, they'll get you. I saw them. Especially me when you already have pig-ish features.

They hate swine. They're like an army of Steve Hostetters. What did you say? They're an army of Steve Hostetters. They really are. They destroy every hackler that walks by, dude. I feel like nobody bothers those guys, though. Everyone's while a white woman falls into their web.

Dumb fly white woman. Like, you're actually ignorant. You're a white bitch. I should break you, bitch. I always try to say hi to them, man. And they always act like I don't exist. I'm always like, what's up, boys? And they're always just kind of like, the fuck,

get the fuck on. That fucks their whole shit up. I can't be like, what's up, dude? If you're going out there, you're like, I'm trying to bother white people. And a white guy walks by like, yo. A white guy with your energy is definitely their cryptobite. I saw them in DC.

They were swinging the church fume stuff and the frankincense or whatever. They were pretty nice to Tim in Indianapolis. Dude, are you serious? Those guys didn't give me the time of day. I know. I was there like a month before you. I cruised by on an electric scooter.

And they were just like, okay. Like, nothing. They gave me a hang loose. Yeah, for real. I hit them with, I basically hit them with it. Oh, boys. And they were just like, maybe a smoke break or something. But I couldn't get anything out of it.

What do you think they would do if you dressed like a stormtrooper and stood next to them and started yelling at people with them? Like, Star Wars are real. Star Wars, right? I'm not sure. Or pulling one. Yeah, really. That would be kind of, what would they do if you rolled up?

Dude, that was another thing. I mean, they're getting orders from the top, dude. Dude, cool. Kanye talking about fucking the Nazis uniforms on a fashion level. That was killing me, dude. What was it, Hugo Boss? I think Hugo Boss. Hugo Boss.

He's like, I mean, as a design, Alex Jones is like, I mean, you're a designer. You're talking about design. He's like, I love the Nazis. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, dude.

I saw a funny tweet, though. It was on Black Twitter or someone who was like, for real, though, this fit does go hard as fuck. And it was like Hitler wearing a cape. Walking down these steps. It was like, for real, the fit is fucking sick. I don't know. Maybe I have too much faith in humanity, dude.

I've said it before. I don't think we're in danger of another age. Did they have Nazi swimsuits? Probably, to be fair. They did a lot of weird shit with that stuff. They would have like little girl camps, little boy camps, and then they would let the camps mix and fuck each other because they needed more people.

Oh, no. Like girls, your kids would go away on like woman Nazi camp and all of them would come back pregnant. What? Well, that's what the birthright shit is in Israel. You go on your free birthright trip, you get there, and it's like these hot sluts are pretty into American guys. Oh, really?

Stick around. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Israel is cool. That's what you said. My friend went there. No, dude, they're training. Don't backtrack now to Impress Connie, dude.

Yeah, my friend went there, said it was lit. My friend went there for like soccer or something. Free Palestine, dude. They live in abundance. Let's not talk about Israel. Yeah, let's talk about Israel. This whole thing's a mistake, and it's not kind of like it. It's giving me anxiety.

I don't want to throw a guy, he reached out to me. I don't want to throw him under the bus. You're not throwing a man under the bus, bro. It was just surreal. Pretty sure he reached out from under the bus already. He's trying to drag me under the bus. I think he was already under the bus. You're trying to say you love his catalog,

and he turned him out. You're like, actually, I love his new stuff. His new thoughts are really what I'm all about. No, no, no, no, no, no. His new album. What's his new album? What do you think his follow-up to Christ is king will be? Didn't we talk about it on here?

He tried to name a couple albums, Hitler. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's someone said? I think it's true. Although. That's what the news says. Well, then he went on the news. Dude, that's what the media says.

Imagine him standing next to Mike Myers and just saying, like, there's no way it was six million. And Mike Myers was like, oh my god. Swing. Excuse me. Okay. Harsh. Garth falls backwards in his chair.

That's a funny sketch. If he's looking for funny sketches, Mike Myers and Dana Carvey. And fucking do Wayne's World Basement interview. And then hit him with those thoughts. Look, man, we're being liberated. Get the net. That's a good bit.

That was a good bit. That was a good bit. Yeah. Hold over the limo. I need to grab a you who. I was talking to some of those like you who's fucking head of PR. I was just like. That was the anti-Semitic chocolate milk.

Well, how's it really? Did he talk about you? Or did you say? He said he was doing a rawt out of you. He was doing a rawt out of you, dude. And he was like, these guys are. Because that was the. I thought you're saying he was.

He was doing carrot top. He was doing sweet potato top. He had a butt-catching net and a you who. And he's doing net and yahoo. It was awesome. I was like, I thought you were the you who was. Hey, we're going to freeze all your assets. I thought he just had a you the whole time.

For real, though, if I found out I had to pay $200,000 a month in child support, I would be dropping grenades out of a helicopter. I'm sorry he's fucking around too much on the internet, but it's pretty bad. Did he try to drink the you who through the mask? He accidentally chocolate boarded himself. I do dig that mask, though, because these are all deep fakes. In the court of law, you can't prove that was ever him. Oh, can you get you can't get in trouble for that in court?

Talking with the mask on. No, I was going on a podcast and I like Hitler. Alex Jones got busted pretty hard. They didn't like that stuff. If you want to wear that black mask, but. If you just don't say that one thing about the school. All right, never mind. I'm staying out of this.

I don't know. I mean, dude, you know, look, tell you what, if you were to focus on the age of the age of never mind. We're about to enter the age of acquires, guys. We're all trying to have fun. Everyone needs a good laugh. You know what I mean? Have a little birthday cake.

Yeah, go dog or no. You prepare a slice of this cake, please. The whole subject is my whole point is the whole subject is quicksand, dude. Yeah. And I'm out. I find you get out of it. Then you go, it's very thoughtful. Is the ground still full?

You slip down to it up in your nipples. You're like, dude, hold on. I got this. Yeah. Maybe we're kind of trying to do it. Well, let's see what the numbers are. It was actually funny if you saw it. Dang it.

No, we don't have to talk about that stuff. Well, we did. That's fine. It's something we're all dealing with collectively right now. Yeah. One of the biggest stars ever. Just go, dude, imagine Mel Gibson just sitting by. Poor guy.

Mel. I mean, they're going to form the Avengers. No, Mel's totally, Mel's, he's fine. No, when you bring up, when that's the hot button issue, people are like, and yeah, you did that to me piece of shit. Yeah, true, true. Oh, can you share the first message you sent? No.

Okay. Can you share the Mel Gibson voice mail? No. I don't want to share any message. True, true, true. Other than, yeah. You're an honorable man. By the way, it was hilarious.

Yeah. Yeah. You're an honorable man. You are an honorable man. Let it be known for the record. Thank you, Matt, but. Many others in your position feel sleazy. Well, that's why you're an honorable man.

Because you feel that rather than going. I did call my agent to tell him I'm doing it. He's like, okay. He was like, he said, the fuck you are. He was like, what? He was like, Shane, do not do this. I put it on speaker. I put it on speaker.

Shane was in a convertible. I can't hear you on and off through the backseat. No, I'm going to do it tomorrow. Actually, he wants to fly me tomorrow. He was like, we've worked so hard. You and all your friends, you can't do this. And I was like, I'm doing it, dude. It's going to be hilarious.

And then I was sitting around. I was like, dude, if I was a true artist, I'd do it. Yeah. But I'm not. I'm a coward. Well, also, I don't think he's a coward. I think he's nice. I think he's nice.

You're calling now. I'm a coward, dude. I should have been on that fucking plane, dude. Should have been me, Milo, Flentes, and Kanye. I mean, that's a tough flight to Florida. I mean, just that picture. That's a tough two and a half hours, dude. That's a dork city, dude.

Just that picture alone, dude, would be terrifying. It'd be devastating. On the private jet, Milo was pretending to be reliable. All the people criticizing me would have been on the private jet to Epstein's Island. They'd be like, I can't believe he's on that plane. What about that other jet? There's this pretty bad private jet that a lot of you guys were on.

Is Epstein Island still functional? For like kids, or you mean like, can you live there? Like, do they still got the water slide open? Was there a water park? Oh, there had to have been. Yeah, there had to be some kid-friendly stuff. And that's how they deliver on your room. Yeah, it's just, it's just a whole lot of kids slid in the room.

Like, everyone's got the end of a water slide in the room. They just come slide. Yeah, just basketball court slides. That screech noise in your bedroom floor. Prince Andrew waiting at the bottom of his mouth open. Yeah, people forgot about that. Backwards Marco Apollo. They can't forget about that.

That child sex ring with all of the elites, well, a lot of the elites of the world. And they got busted and everyone went. That did slide in my mind. That guy hung himself in prison weirdly. Oh, the security cameras fell off and the guard took a smoke break. And he hung himself. At the all times, he was like, no.

He hung himself. He couldn't live with the guilt. Would you wait for the lifeguard? Go ahead. On the water slide at Epstein Island. To the petaville? Yeah. Water slide?

Would you just be a man like him now? What I respected, no. I've always respected lifeguards. Yeah. Actually, that's not true. Salute him back. You used to have a lot of fun disobeying the lifeguards. Williams Grove, the motor speed, what?

You used to have a theme park across the street. What? Now it's in every online is like the haunted thing, just because it's all overgrown. Was that partial custody kingdom? It was absolutely partial custody kingdom, dude. It was a shit show. But we used to go on the water slide.

And you'd be, I mean, like 10 of my friends would go. And whoever went first would be the blocker. You'd go down first and turn sideways and wait for the next guy. And wait for the next guy. And then I was the wedge breaker. I'd come down last. And I would just smoke them. It hurt so bad.

It was so funny. And then 10 kids would come out at once. And the lifeguard would be like, damn, you care together. And we'd be like, fuck yeah. Oh, man. You work at Williams Grove, loser. He'd go right back to the top. Yeah, go right to the top.

Oh, my god. You guys would have crushed at Epstein Island, man. I mean, 10 coming down at once is just, oh. Chris Tucker down there at the bottom just like, yeah. I think I ordered too much. I get some of these to go. Was he on the logs? Yeah, he was on the logs, dude.

I was on everybody was talking there. Didn't he like, oh, it was a different Chris Tucker. That's what I heard. No. No, he was boys with them, right? Well, he was hanging out with Michael Jackson, too. Yeah. Oh.

Spacey. Spaceman. Space, the Spaceman was big. Tried and true. Yeah. Damn, dude. You think they all clapped when the pilot landed on Epstein Island? Absolutely.

Absolutely. Well, with whatever free hands they had. Because that jet was popping, dude. Yeah, true. Yeah. Because he did like a 180, didn't he? At one point, he like really cleaned up his act. He stopped cursing.

Spacey? Absolutely. Oh, Chris Tucker. Tucker. Tucker. Probably. Didn't he? Probably hit fucking Rockwell.

He probably hit the fucking. Yeah. Wow. A week in and. Do you think one of the kids came out of the water slide? He went, can't do it. His face fucking a kid. Do you understand the words that come in your mouth?

Never, never, never. Touch your back, man. Sex slave. Do you understand the kid that's coming in my mouth? Yes. That's the one I was going for. I'm sorry. I couldn't get it.

I just said his line from the movie. I didn't change any comedy at all. Imagine waking up the next morning with like dry kid coming in your mouth. Oh my god. I got to change, man. Imagine getting charged for the water you use to clean kids come out of your mouth. He cracked up with a bottle of Evian. Oh man.

He was going to hit a kid after he roofied them. What would Chris Tucker say? What would I say? After now, what would Chris Tucker say after he roofied a kid and the kid fell asleep? Yeah, ding. Yeah, or. You just got knocked the fuck out. There you go.

That'd be terrible if he really was never there. He's probably innocent for real. Sorry, Chris Tucker. Yeah, we're talking about the other Chris Tucker. His funny thing about his voice. As a child rapist. No, Matt. No, Matt.

How disappointed do you feel? Child rape. It is funny. I froze time and it's funny. Although that probably did alleviate tension. Like if you're a kid getting blasted and you're here in the next room, you're like, is that Chris Tucker? No, I mean, yeah, of course.

It's better than just an uncle. What do you think it sounded like when Jackie Chan had to express his disappointment in Chris Tucker? No, no, no. When Jackie Chan did it? Jackie Chan probably had to talk to his old friends. They made three feature films together. Should I say Chris is not good?

It's probably something like that. Yeah, Chris, this is no good. That would be a nice fucking movie. Rush Hour 4? No, he finds out about the island and comes down and clears it out with his karate. That'd be such a sick movie. Just breaks Prince Andrews' boner. That'd be so good.

That would be nasty. And that's the reveal at the end is Chris Tucker, he's like, Chris, come on. We're going to get the fuck out of here. He's doing that all the time. We got to get out of here. And he goes down to save Chris and the kids. And then at the end is the reveal that Chris was in on it the whole time.

One of the kids is like to Chris. He's like, man, that ain't true, man. And then like five more kids are like, it was him. And then Jackie Chan kills the kids. He's like, we got to get out of here. They'll seal the court documents. Don't worry. Let's go.

The island explodes and they fly together. And Chris is like, I'm never going to curse. Where am I staying? I'm never going to. I'm done with that stuff. Damn. The last shopper out of Epstein Island had to be like Platoon. Yeah.

Again, it's just a joke. Chris probably didn't have sex with kids on Epstein Island. I really hope. But what I could have sworn he was on the flight. Was he on a lot of Chris Tucker was on there. He's on the flight logs. Maybe they I do think they were getting flights. There's a lot of people on these flight logs.

Yeah. I think he had a private jet and was just like, I'll fly. You're at a rich famous party and he's like, I have a jet. You can you can take it. Let's go. Yeah. Also, I don't think they were unless it was it to the island. You can't tell from the logs.

So I think Matt Groening went to from the Simpsons. And they were saying like, why are you little? Oh, no. What do you have to write? I don't know. I went out for kids. I went out for kids. I went out for kids.

That was great, man. That's the real reason Bart never ages. But apparently he was on the flight, like taking his shoes off. Like, OK, girls, let's go. Start working. Yeah. Yeah. He was he made him so pretty comfy.

This isn't like an article. March. I wish I could do a march. Oh, me. That was great. Jeffrey, I mean, I mean, that's your fifth little boy. Don't you think we should go? March.

That fucking sucks, dude. That can't be true. Dude, I love the Simpsons. Brodie. I used to. Yeah, Matt. I used to. They stuck.

Hey, you're the best. Well, then they all became like liberal fucking dorks. Why do you think, bro? No. True. Why do you think? Matt Groening foot massage. Hang on a minute.

I need a boy. I need a boy. Yes, dude. Who's it? I need a boy. I'm looking for a boy to suck on. A boy to suck on. Again, if you're in there.

He was on. Good for him, dude. Wait, Matt Groening or a boy to suck on? So what? Has it been a whole time? Groening. I've been calling him Groening my whole life. Well, he was animation and child pornography heads.

No, that it's Groening. Do you think he does all the Simpsons voices? Do you think he draws all the Simpsons? You're going to beat off to this. What? You whacked off to this? I didn't beat off to it. I've seen it, but I've never been off to it.

You've never been off to Simpsons before? One of Mike's favorite gifts is I tried to get into it. Marge has Bart in like a powerbomb position and she's sucking on his beef. That's exactly why I don't jerk off to Simpsons because every fucking cartoon is Marge fucking Bart. Yes, but they're not real.

That's not real. I know, but I still want to see Marge and Ned. Yeah. Yo. I wouldn't mind that. Now you're talking. Yeah. You should switch to the Patreon.

Abu is Marge. Yeah. Guys, live stream. Don't fuck around. Live stream. Look, if you want to be a little brat about it and complain, don't watch it. Yeah, don't.

But it's going to be fun and it's going to be good. And Matt, we're trying to obtain an opera singer to sing funny words. Yeah. If you know one, please get at me. No. We'll follow you. Oh, opera singer is not funny words.

No, no, no. Because they're going to get some DMs. They don't get that. All right. Yeah. We need some opera singers. Dadmeat. Yeah.

Bros. Johnny's got in the world. Onparks.com. Thank you. Check out Little Snickers too. Yep. Onparks.com. Hell yeah.

I have to sell everything through my website because the. Kanye's enemies. Yeah. Kanye's enemies are jamming me up at Amazon. So I'm doing everything through onparks.com. It's like anything I do. I promise if you check that out, you'll like my book.

Also check out Little Snickers. Me, Del Kahlo and Jake Matera. Why? Because it's called Perks? No. They just stopped paying me for my other two books. They kept saying that my bank info was wrong. And it's been the same for years.

And they just stopped paying me royalties for my previous two books. So I refused to do business with them. Good for you, man. Talk to you guys. Bezos is Polish, huh? Yeah. That's how he made his fortune.

Well, they're downsizing. I think Amazon's hurting, dude. So you don't want to go down with that shit. You think Amazon's hurting? Yeah. They're laying off like 40% of their workforce. I think they all figured out they can do it. After Twitter laid off a bunch of their workforce

and it's fine. Like, you know. He's like, these guys aren't doing shit. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. All right. We're going to switch over to the Patreon. Thank you for joining us.

Yes, yes, yes. Thank you guys. Yes, yes, yes, yes.