Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 425 - Traumatizing Rizz (feat. WARMODE & Rone)

Episode Date: January 13, 2023

Go watch Gilly and Keeves "The Special" @ gillyandkeeves.tv Support WARMODE @ patreon.com/WARMODE Support Rone & Sas Listen to Son of A Boy Dad Pod Support the D.A.W.G.Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod YO. Matt has fallen ill to the Novel Corona Virus. Please send T's & P's, and tune into the paytch for a message from him. In his absence the Big Kahuna gathered three beasts (Bill, Spud, and Rone) for an evening cast in Stuff Island HQ. Cast is as hot as ever, and it's not cooling off any time soon. Please enjoy. God bless.    Get 25% OFF @ trueclassic with Promo Code DRENCHED at https://trueclassictees.com/DRENCHED #trueclassicpod   Support the show by downloading the DraftKings Sportsbook App and using the code DRENCHED.   If you or someone you know has a gambling problem, crisis counseling and referral services can be accessed by calling 1-800-GAMBLER (1-800-426-2537) (IL/IN/LA/MI/NJ/PA/WV/WY), 1-800-NEXT STEP (AZ), 1-800-522-4700 (CO/NH), 888-789-7777/visit http://ccpg.org/chat (CT), 1-800-BETS OFF (IA), 877-8-HOPENY/text HOPENY (467369) (NY), visit OPGR.org (OR), call/text TN REDLINE 1-800-889-9789 (TN), or 1-888-532-3500 (VA).   21+ (18+ NH/WY). Physically present in AZ/CO/CT/IL/IN/IA/LA(select parishes)/MI/NH/NJ/ NY/OR/PA/TN/VA/WV/WY only. New customer offer void in NH/OR/ONT-CA. $200 in Free bets: New customers only. Valid 1 per new customer. Min. $5 deposit. Min $5 wager. $200 issued as eight (8) $25 free bets. Ends 9/19/22 @ 8pm. Early Win: 1 Early Win Token issued per eligible game. Opt in req. Token expires at start of eligible game. Min moneyline bet $1. Wagering limits apply. Wagers placed on both sides of moneyline will void bet. Ends 1/8/23 @ 8pm ET. See terms at sportsbook dot draftkings dot com slash football terms.

Guys, we're on the pot. The pot's on. Go fuck up. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Yeah, this is tough. I usually go about. I usually just sit here. You should have Matt and really can make a map, though. Matt gives me ideas. Matt just talks and I get to sit here and go, what? But without Matt, I'm just I got to find.

Why are you picking your nose like a little kid? What? The finger. I was getting that nose, the place I was getting it. It was on the inside of the top left nostril. It doesn't matter. That's my inside left. How do you get it? But like, you were like covering it up. Your thumb's big as fuck to pick your nose with.

Yeah, tiny. You should just be able to pick your nose, too. Like, hold on, guys. Just because Matt's away doesn't mean this is going to be a free for all. Bill, go ahead. What was it you were trying to say? Thank you. I'm a part of me around. Don't talk over each other.

Don't talk over each other. No. What's going on, guys? How are you? Nothing. You asked the pod. Yes, just come up here. What I said, dude, I can't believe you did. I can't drop every guy's butt. I'm I've changed my entire mindset on this entire thing.

Yeah, what? It's going to become a pro. I have to adjust to ride with Billy. Billy's going pro. I have to go wherever Bill goes. What? You're a pro now. Bill's a pro now. I have to follow him around where I'm letting him go.

Anything I do, I give 110% except your job that you quit. Well, I was giving 110% until I started working. You quit your job? Yeah, he's a pro podcaster now. Really? That's why you came up here. That's why you're dressed like this.

Dude, now I fucking see you, dude. You're a fucking pro, Jack. No, I'm a Jack. He's a pro. It's sick. It's sick. This is dad's jacket, stop. It's my dad.

It's cool as fuck. I just didn't know you were a hipster like that. And I think it looks good. I think it looks cool. I think it looks sick. It's got the right stitching, the holes, the right places. You got the Justin Bieber boots. That's kind of...

You can't hit him in the first minute with this. You can't hit him in the first minute. Why are we already talking about this? I think you saw the video. Look down, dude. You feel he will go down. You see just Terminator scammed me to see what good roads be. Nah, I can't.

I can't hit on anyone's sneaks, dude. It's just not me. Sneaks just aren't me. Sneaks just aren't me. I literally just bought boots. Sneaks are cool, though. I bought some Jim Green boots because I'm trying to get in. What do you think of these boots, bro?

Do you think that I could pull those off? Or do you think I need to get harder hands? I don't think you need harder hands. You need a big puffy jacket or something. Yeah, I need a funny one. That's not us. But yes, now you're a pro, bro. I thought I was going to come in.

It's fine. I just show up and it's like, hey, be the heel. This is why I said I don't want to do this. Be the heel. This is why. They were like, don't mention his jacket. Don't mention his jacket. And I was like, he can handle it.

I didn't know Billy was a hipster. We were both like, don't try to protect baby Billy. Hipster, these are clothes given to me by my father. This is a free jacket given to me. It's a cool jacket. I enjoy it. No, it looks fucking sick. And I'm saying, I'm speaking out of insecurity,

my own insecurity for not being able to dress well. You just have fun on a pot. What is that a Calgary Flames? I think it's like Lancaster Flames or some shit like that. American Needle? Yeah, it's American Eagle. It's American Apparel. No, American Needle.

I think that's right. Is that where the hat's from? No, my. See, how did you know that? I like a good hat. I don't look at me. I'm not fucking attacking you. I think you're doing great.

I like your outfit. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I guess it's different at bars though. We're just like, we just like having normal conversations. Barstool can't do so much without before he started attacking. Before he started to do it, it's so nice.

I would be so nice, but then I had to performatively be a dickhead. I didn't mean nothing by it. I'm sorry, dude. It's all good. We're down in Drunk Island's pockets. Don't go. What is happening? We're going to have to beat this.

Now he's in the cage. Why can't we talk about anyone else? Spades here, that's fucking sick. Spades here, I'm very excited about that. I might be on the way out, bro. Why? I got my SnorLab app, and I know that you're tired hearing about it. But I think I need the CPAP machine.

Yeah, he's on Logs hard as fuck. I need every CPAP machine. Dude, I die constantly. There's an ass that records you sleeping. And then you can listen back to you doing that. Oh, I can't. It's fucking hell, bro. It's chaos.

Soda got one. 57% of me sleeping. Oh, yeah, you were saying that. 7 hours of sleep. Let's listen to some of your sleep. 7 hours of sleep. 4 hours of sleep. You got recordings?

4 hours of straight snoring. Is that bad? Yeah, dude, it's 57% of the night, I'm snoring. Song logs? I got to stay alive for Billy, dude. I feel like I snored the whole time. Yeah, dude. Spades doing the high pitch shit, though.

Yeah, I'm doing it like that. No, what do you mean by that? How do you snore? It sounds like a balloon. I could play for you. Yeah, let's hear some snoring. I snored just slow death. Wake yourself up sometimes.

Yeah, look around. It's tough, but what can you even do about snoring? I feel like it's an irreversible problem. We'll probably work on my health a little. Yo, if you have a BMI between 25 and 30, you're fucked. That's why you're snoring. You got to get the BMI under 25. Why are you coming to a chain like that?

I'm not coming to a chain. He's there, too. Why are you coming to me, dude? Now you're attacking me. He was not attacking me. I'm here. I'm connecting dots, dude. I hear what he's saying.

This isn't like you. Look, this is one of your battle rats, all right? We don't need to be mean to each other. Oh, fuck, dude. I'm terrified of this guy now. Yeah, he's nice. Oh, shit. No, it's because I got another one cooking against the Asian,

dude. Sean, can you hear it? I don't have headphones. That's me ripping, dude. It gets weird. Spades a lot for you. Yeah, I'm little, right? Yeah, I'm little guy.

I'm sorry, yeah, I had to fool myself back. He's butt ass naked, too. He's just exposed. You sleep ass naked? Oh, yeah. Do you come every time before you go to sleep? I try not to. I'm trying to save my room.

I'm on day like Wednesday to Wednesday. This is day seven. I just keep doing this. I drove a hole in my thumb. I'm worrying about your car. So I can't fucking. I usually beat off left-handed because when I was young, my fucking dick was slightly curved to the left.

And I thought it was because I was using my right hand so that I switched to my left. And it didn't fix it. I just have a slight curve to the left on my penis. People think I'm not nothing crazy. Just something cute, you know, something to be remembered by. What? It's like a like a good imperfection, you know,

like the miles out like a mole or something. Yeah, yeah, like a Nike swoosh. Yeah, something sweet. No, no, not that hard. Not that hard. Just like a. Is that if you're looking like a two by four, you're like, is that thing fucking straight?

Like, I guess it isn't does. I never knew this about you. I never knew this about you. Straight here. I hate hearing about anything. I hate hearing about your sex, dude. Why? He didn't ask me when he was a win, dude.

You. So what? He's got a nice penis. It goes to the left. I feel like that's natural. I feel like that's normal. I think a lot of people. It's normal.

I just gotta get over it. It's just fucking weird. What? You have a perfectly straight dick? No, it's weird. I get sketched out when Bill starts talking. He's a bit of an elitist because yeah. I'm not an elitist, dude.

I'm just saying that you were. You're hooded up. You're hooded up. You're hooded up. You're hooded up. You're hooded up. You were mutilated. I wasn't.

I feel bad for you. You're on demon time with your dick. Dude, I spot you, bro. Yo, is a demon time guy like a conservative? I think so. Yeah, he put up a January 6th demon time and it like fired me up. I was like, yo, shit, rule. What's demon time?

It was pretty tough to explain, but I'll show you. It's January 6th one. It's actually going to get you excited. It's just like a fire up compilation video, like a Friday beers type of thing. Like you just. Storm of the capital. You can't use you can't use reference like that. He's off all the apps has no.

I never really had it. I just got rid of everything. He has an iPhone Pro Max 14 zero apps. This is where it got. That's it. Yeah. You like it. You'll see the 911, bro.

That's demon time. Yeah. It's kind of sweet. It's sweet. It's like nothing to it really, but just something to enjoy for time to time. I liked that video though. He's like, we can take that thing. And then the guy goes and do what?

They're real in Brazil. Yeah, they are doing it. They stormed it. Bolsonaro's in Orlando. We got poisoned. They try to kill his ass. And then they're down there storming the capitals fucking everything up. What are they swimming in the pool in shade or what?

The dude who got elected, as opposed with all the communists and the drug dealers. So they're spazzing the fuck out. Damn, bro. What side are we on, dude? All side up. Billy Bolsonaro, obviously. What's the reason? I was in Bolsonaro, right-wing guy.

Yeah. They were saying he was like a fascist. They were just calling him that. This is a cheap shot. I know. That can't stop thinking about that shit. You were telling me about the soccer teams. What about them?

The soccer teams in Europe have political names. Yeah, it's pretty neat. Like Barcelona's communist fucking... Real Madrid was like the fascist team. Real Madrid was like the fascist team. And they kind of still hold it down like that. Pretty sweet. What?

So do they only get players who are of that political leaning? Not anymore, but I'm sure they did. Like Rangers and Celtic and Scotland were doing that. Yeah, Shane started talking about this and it fucking sent me down a Troubles rabbit hole. And I'm probably not going to get out of it. Let's talk Troubles a little, dude. What do you got? I don't know shit about that.

Well, I mean, I don't want to talk about it. Me and Billy are going to get to talk to some Irish dudes. That's right. It's going to be sweet. For real? Yeah. Some real Irish guys are like... Yeah, just because it's like, it's very hard for American people to understand.

Yeah. You know what I mean? The bigger picture of it all. Yeah, I don't know shit about it. I only know a little bit about the famine, which was really like that. That was a genocide. That was a genocide. Absolutely.

I don't know shit about it. You're exactly right. I deserve like I should be paid for that. Yeah. I mean, you get real fired up if you get into like the Blankyman, hunger strikers, age block, the maze, on-cash. And you guys are going to do a podcast series on the Troubles. That's what I want to do.

Wow. That's a plan. Next level. You know, that's a plug. Yeah. Professional podcast. That's warm-o, dude. So now that you're a pro-podcaster.

Oh, dude, you do this. What happened? What happened to your job? I was trying to move on. Me and Spader working on... This is the thing. I'm getting slandered constantly because I am working. We're just working for ourselves now.

So me and Spader working on the house. You're not getting slandered. You're reading every comment. I can't help it. It comes on my phone. It comes on my phone. I'm going to read it. Maybe New Year New Year.

You got to change the fucking settings so it doesn't email you. I have no apps, bro. And how am I supposed to know when something from Amazon is coming? You got to get home. You have push notifications for comments? No, no, no. Just for emails. Because I used to get like seven emails a year.

He likes it, dude. Now I have like a thousand emails a week and it's fucked. Because it's fun for a little bit when you're hearing good stuff about yourself. No. Because when the comments begin, it's great. Yeah, it's incredible. It's like this many... People are listening to this?

Yeah, this many people are thinking about it. Then you get one bad one. You're like, what the fuck? I suck. I'm the dumb guy that used to roast me. I was like, there goes a bitch. He ran him off. Fuck that guy.

He's around. He's got to be lingering. You think so? So you use your name? Day one. Yeah. I mean, all I'm saying is I'm just going to try as hard as I can with this. If Shane calls me, I'll come up.

This is more of a family matter than it is. This is family. Yeah. What is? Matt's family. Me and Bill's family. Yeah. Matt's under the weather, so you guys had to sub it.

You call me like, dude, please. No one does it like you. I was like, dude, all right, fine. It's true. No one does it like you. I want you to come up here. I want you to get a little exposure. You're the big dog now.

You're the big top podcaster. You're the big pro. Come on, dude. You're the pro now, dude. You wear a cool jacket. It's a pro. Dude. When are you coming in and doing a son of a boy that or a fucking barstool-ass podcast?

Let me get some confidence up here, bro. That's what we're doing right now. That's what we're saying. Let's do it. What do you mean your confidence is up? You know about the troubles. You know about H-Block. You know about the fucking...

We're building ourselves up here, bro. You're ready. What are you talking about? You're fucking running. The statue's almost done. He's not ready for exhibit yet. Bro, I think you are, dude. Put that shit on display.

Throw yourself in the fire. You gotta get out there, dude. I'm trying. This is it, dude. You're looking at it. Gentle please. I can't believe you got it. What?

I can't believe you secured Spud for this. I got a nice little BLT. He abducted me with a BLT. You're excited now. You like coming up here to have a couple drinks. I love... I just want to hang out and drink beers. And Bill was like, dude, if we do this right, you will get to hang out all the time.

Exactly. I want to. Yeah. The last time we hung out, we had the night of our loss. That's what I'm saying. We were at helium. We were fucking joking, dude. We were laughing.

Let's go. It was fun. Felt bad the next day. You know what I mean? That's what you're looking for. I want to feel bad tomorrow. I'm trying to feel like shit tomorrow after hanging out with you boys. I'm going all January, no drinking though.

Why? I need a nice little fucking reset to start the year and then, you know. You're the easiest, dude, to fucking get in their head. You literally change your life. You're making fun of you for drinking too much. We were like, party boy. You're like, I just need a reset. Bro, when?

You don't drink at all. You drink like two fucking mixtures. There's so many jumps you're trying. You're trying to get me a drink just so you can see you got me a drink. And then when I say no, you said, oh, we got it. That was not like that. You just did. This is something I came up with on my own.

I was like, I'm just going to chill for January. Remember when you cut your hair? Pussy. I cut my hair because you said, you're a fucking idiot. I just made you grow your hair out for a month. I'm never going to pay for a year. I'm never going to pay. I'm just going to give you games.

No, you weren't. You're tight, dude. What? I don't know that value. You sent me an email request after Nashville. It's time to start getting tight, dude. I got a phone call. Taxation's coming, dude.

Oh, you're about to get audited. You're about to get ran down on. That's bullshit. On the way to Nashville, the tax lady called and was like, here's how much you owe. And I was like, ooh. She told you already? Venmo time. That's fucking January?

End of the year. She was just like, yeah, this is what we're expecting. Jesus Christ. Yeah. Is it a scary amount of money? Yeah. Any amount is fucking scary, dude. I didn't even know I made that much money.

Yeah, I watched a video of Kevin Hart. I didn't think I had that. Dude, Kevin Hart bought a bunch of people houses and then owed 500 Gs. And he was like, yo, what? It's crazy. Like, you have no idea. You can't be doing nice things for people like that. Exactly.

That show's not worth it. Fucked up. That's bullshit. I'll give you exposure. That's all I can offer you. That's fine. I just want a friendship, honestly, at the end of the day. I would love it.

Just help me, dude. Spuddog. Yo. Guys, I'm trying. This is a point. I love it. You are running the show. You're directing traffic.

You guys say, I'm going to bill. Watch that. Spud. Come on. Hit me. What do you guys want to know about? What do you guys want to talk about? What are we doing?

All right. I'll give you guys. Girls, what do you know? I'll give you a nice story. This has been bothering me for now, going on 24 hours almost. Last night, the seller, sitting at the table, big time, and starts nice friendly enough conversation. Me and a comic, I'm friends with.

You've been accosted again. He recommends books. I listen to them. We talk about them. It's a very nice time. And then somehow we got to Osama bin Laden. And I was like, isn't it kind of weird? They just, we never saw a picture of them.

Wow. That's it. That's how it started. They told me all the FAA, the FAA, downed all the planes today. Yeah. From a power outage. Every plane's grounded right now. And I'm thinking this is the first time.

Every plane in America just got grounded. What thoughts did you guys both connect right there? I don't think. I mean, why would this? Since 9-11, this might be, today might be the first day that all the planes are grounded and are we under attack? I don't know. Is that true?

Yeah. I was going to fly tomorrow. I don't know. Bill also showed me a picture of Joe Biden. That's definitely. Yeah. That was photoshopped. Every flight was canceled right now.

It's been lifted. But it was now. It was. Yeah. Apparently. What the fuck? It might be the first time since 9-11. Don't make Sean King when it comes to breaking stories.

Sean King. It sucks. Sean King. Dude, I used to go on his Twitter account and just fucking eat it up. Dude, Sean King. He's brutal. Oh, hold on. What happened with the flights?

I mean, I can't. I don't know. I just read a tweet. Just about talking shit, battle rapping. You have like the biggest dick. Like, you walk around anywhere. Everyone will fear you. Bro, this is the most ADD down conversation that I've ever heard.

Yeah, this is not good. Oh, I'm sorry. This is bad. No, no, no. It's good. It's good. I like it. This is Patreon.

We'll get it cooking. This is just a conversation. Yeah. No, it's a conversation. So I'm trying to figure out why the shit got canceled and I wanted to figure out what you guys are talking about. I don't know what you guys are talking about. I simply just heard that.

Well, this is what I'm running into because I get my news from like you guys. Yeah. And fucking jinx. That's bad. You got to stop that. I'm pretty right. I'm fucked. And then I get in a conversation with a dude who watches the news and I get fucking eaten

up. Yeah, destroyed. I got butt fucked last night. They were making shit up. And they were making stuff up. And I kept saying like, that's what you're making stuff up. It's just made up. And they're like, what are you, a fucking cute guy?

I was like, no. That's what I said. All I said. You know, that's like, you know, they've been doing that. That's all I said. All that I said. Sorry. I wanted to have the fucking country.

Wasn't it weird? Don't you find it weird that Hunter Biden was on a board at Barisma? Yeah. It wasn't that strange. It was like, Trump's worse. And I was like, how? Is that what I'm saying? I mean, dude, you're just, you're in a classic argument.

It was unbelievable. This is all dead. Dude, I got hit with not my. This is why a dude hit me with, have you seen Hunter Biden's laptop? Yeah. That's cock sucker shit, dude. Well, then we can't talk. What are you talking about?

I saw him smoking crack and getting a foot shot. This guy literally meant, have you seen physically? Have you been in the room with the laptop? Have you seen it? You should have said, yeah, I saw it last week, fuck yourself. Did you see me seeing it? What the fuck? Why do you also know?

How did this happen from not having a conversation? Oh, because that was, do you think he was like, what do you think? Like it was an inside job. And I was like, no, but how come there's no picture? That's all I'm saying. Yeah, true. We got there. I was like, I'm not accusing anything.

I was just trying to have a conversation. Why do you think there wasn't one? Sodom. Sodomy. Sodom was all on camera. Fucking. Can you say shut up to somebody? It was a real hard ass.

It's pretty fucking sick. It's not on rules. It's fucking legendary. So what could have happened with Osama? I was looking into it. I think one of the stories is a bunch of the seals that killed him shot him a ton of times, like fucking Inglorious Bastards hitlered him. Like God.

Just. Game went and he goes. Just ripped his face. Like everyone got a couple in and they were like, we can't put this picture out. They defiled him. That's one rumor. That would be like better. I feel like that's the most reasonable explanation.

Every dude went and got one. Yeah. So you don't know who did it. You don't know who's bullet it was that killed him. Paws upon the liability or everybody gets to share the who has to do his name Rob O'Neill or some shit like that. The guy who gets credited. By the way.

I don't know about that. Yeah. I've got some inside sources saying that guy's telling tall tales. Really? But I don't know. I heard the same thing about the devil of Ramadi. The dude. Yeah.

The sniper or whatever. Yeah. I heard that he's telling tall tales. He's inflating numbers. I heard that from other Marines. I don't know. But I like to think all those guys get a little wacky wasn't fucking during wars. Kyle say numbers.

Wasn't American sniper saying he was shooting people in New Orleans or something. Yeah. I think so. Even during the fit. Yeah. You're saying the craziest shit. You're going to tell some tales. They're well.

That's who you want out there. Yeah. Guys making shit up. You see Prince Harry said he had 25. He had 25 kills. Damn. But it was from a helicopter though. Like he's 25.

Yeah. That is how the Brits do it. Dude. It was choppers. But how could you how could you count from the helicopter. How could you be like I definitely had 25 kills from a helicopter. Like how do you even know that. He probably wasn't even over at war zone.

It's probably just slaves. You got him. Harry. Go back. Way to go. Good job. Good job. Wonderful shot.

Harry. You just blew up a school. He's got a ham and a bunch of beagles. He's on a horse. Just chasing people out of the woods. Yeah. I mean war for those guys is banner lord. Yeah.

That is their deal. It's badass. I always get freaked out when the war is kicking in because it's like there are dudes that are war but there have been dudes in history that like win wars and like those guys are genetic. Are we talking about this or are you talking about this. I've talked to this about this. I've tried to talk about this to everyone but I think you and me because I got pumped

on Grant. I spurred about this shit. Just Grant getting activated. Like there's a dude out there right now that's like Grant and like if America had to fight a war on the soil which God forbid it ever happens there's dudes that will get activated that like and they have another mindset so they're built for war because Grant was like drunk. He's just drunk.

He was like drunk on the sidelines before before the Civil War he was working at like his father's fucking general story dudes are out there right now when the Civil War started like six pence please fire up they activated Stonewall and he was ready to go. He was ready to burn Philadelphia down in like two days. He was like fuck it. Let's go to Philly. Let's burn it the fuck down. He was like a quirky teacher that they all were like dude this guy's a dork.

They all like joked about how weird he was. Civil War started. Oh yeah. He would like memorize his lessons and saying word for word someone like ask the question one time and he just ran back the lesson word for word the next day. Clearly had Asperger's. But I'm saying like. But when that one like an officer told him like stay here or whatever he was like attention

he stated attention for a day for a day the guy what the other professor saw him standing there and was like dude what the fuck he's like waiting for my next order paid by the rules. Activate. So do you think dudes can still get activated like that? I'm saying that this is those guys exist. They still do. That's what I'm saying.

Like this is a thing humans have that only war brings out. You know what I mean? So it's like we don't know who which dudes they might be among us are going to be like among us are just random dudes right now. And you think that their soldiers are ready. Guard dog. Everybody thinks it's them. Trust me.

I got the West Point. I found out right away. It wasn't me. Yeah. Soft. There's dudes that are built for the mud and the blood. I'm more doing this. But you think that they're just working like a union job.

But right now. Or do you think most of them are enlisted? Like wall was a teacher. You never know. That's what I'm saying. Like when real shit hits the fan. Not these backer ones. Yeah.

Lives of Tik Tok. Like the teachers are just those freaks can do it. Blue hair teachers. Activated. Revolutionaries out there. Everybody just locked. Oh yeah. Yeah.

Like all those guys in the IRA were just random ass dudes. Thank you very much. Hell yes. Blur her voice out like she's a Mexican in one of those drug shows. We got some blood lines. The cartel was built. The cartel was built. Matt's away.

The mice are playing. The mice are playing. It's drink time. It's dark out. Throw in some nog, dude. Throw in some porno. I actually love porn. Yeah.

What? Fuck what Matt's talking about. We've been hard together. That shit was sick. When I was in second grade, me and my cousin were chilling down his basement. We had ice cream Sundays. He had CineMax, like 230 rolled around and we watched Passions Peak after you know Ice Cream Sundays.

The first time I ever saw a pair of tits. Passions Peak or Passions Cove? Passions Peak. Passions Peak. I had Body Double. It was a very weird fucking. First time I ever saw a porn. Your Body Double?

Body Double is the movie. Oh. It wasn't porn. It was the first time I saw tits. And I tried to remember every. I was like, dude, I'm gonna. This is amazing. And then every time I saw tits on CineMax, I tried to remember it and I built up like

a legitimate spank bank. Yeah. I went in the shower and got down on my knees, faced away from the water. Fort Knox. And I fucking would play back the. I would play it back. Back to the fortress of dreams. Yeah.

And then. Yeah. Then I went in my room. Why'd you get on your knees though? I don't know. I was trying shit out. I was 13. Faced away from America.

His brother told me about it. His brother was like, dude, you have to do this. I know you're not doing this. You have to do this. I tried it. Jerk off. Oh, well, when you were young, I was like, when my first tits was leprechaun in space. That's nice.

Yeah. That's nice. I don't know that leprechaun used to be smart. Yeah. Mine were starship troopers. I was at it. I was at a Jewish house. They were sitting Shiva and like all like the little kids were like downstairs, like

fucking watching the shit while the grownups were upstairs, like eating bagels and locks. And like me and my sister were fucking pious. And dude, I think my sister blocked the TV screen like they're watching fucking. Porno down there. Oh, they got. The screen. Yeah. That was almost right around.

I ruined my sister because that after seeing passions peak, yeah, we had a babysitter that I fucking love. Like I was obsessed. Dude, I used to wrestle with my babysitters. It was very crazy. Dude, we were watching. I was like, they were babysitting my little siblings and I was like, I'm not like them. Yeah, you're.

I'm you know, you don't have to babysit me. We're just. I'm spoken. We watched Titanic and like she let my little sister watch it. I thought I would get some of my G.B.P.s and I like right when my mom died, I came over to Kathleen, watch Titanic and just really, oh yeah, right away. Why wasn't she allowed to see tits? I do.

We were like seven. I was young as shit. You I understand, but she's a woman. I'm like, dude, we got Jersey Shore blocked in our house when I was like 17, 18, my mom's not about that fun or shit way. She blocked it on the DVR Comcast and couldn't get it on that TV. That's crazy. She put it under lock and key.

That's crazy. I mean, dude, thank you. You know what I say now? I'm partying all the time. I'm not, dude. I think I had to go sober for a month. You're partying. Dude, we had to go.

Yeah. The way these guys party, like, you know, you got to go out. You got to have fun. And I imagine having a couple beers at the bar fucking around like I do with my buddies. What these guys do is who you're talking about these guys, him and his young guys do they shut down the bar stool bar fucking booths fucking so much. Is this true? Is this true, Billy?

They had one of those Sparkling drinks and they had one of those little baby Billy wasn't true. Little baby Billy wasn't there. What the fuck? They don't drink beers. They just drink hard drinks. It's expensive. I just drink vodka sodas because if I crush beers or like white claws, I got to fucking

hang over the next. That ruins your form. What ruins your form? Dude, even if you drink your tea lowers, no matter what, I'm trying to build my room and I go low as your tea. What? If you drink it all the time. Yeah.

Like you got your fucks your hormones up. What? But Kate, you can cold shower that away, right? I don't know. You've got to throw that cold shower. I try to take one and I was out and like I tried to go just two minutes and I was out in 90 seconds. My head was hurting.

I got an all fours in my bathroom. It went my way. I got out of the fucking cold shower because I was like, I'll just start with like two minutes a day, build up to eight minutes a day. And the first day I went 90 seconds and like I had to get out and fucking like the earth was spinning underneath. Why is everybody doing this shit? I don't fucking know.

I drink too much. Soft times make soft people. Yeah. Everybody keeps doing like I'm not going to come for a week. I'm going to fucking I'm going to work my way up to take freezing cold shower. Yeah, it's terrible. What are we doing? Supposedly it's beneficial.

I don't know. I mean, there's women. There's women saying to do it. This is I mean, of course, it really comes a little obviously from Rogan at the top. But yeah, the McCusker brothers are constantly like, no, they're the sleeper. I'm going to grow my hair out for fucking two years. I mean, and they're fun. It's fun.

And you're only getting it from them. The one that's my age is out here picking up hitchhikers. Yeah, Tom picked up a hitchhiker today. Awesome. Where the fuck are there even hitchhikers that comes across them all the time. It's fucking crazy. He's constantly picking up. Tom is the peak of all the gibberish.

Yeah. All the gibberish. Yeah. What did he what they pay? Ask Andrew Grass. I mean, Tom's at Delaware County Community College taking chemistry. I mean, no, you think Matt's Matt's something. Matt did go get his masters.

Yeah. But I mean, I'm just saying that's way different. That is. Yes, you're right. The true Tom's on a mission. The ultimate is chemistry at Delaware Community College. What's he about to cook? Like some some drugs.

You can't talk about this kind of stuff. Come on. All right. Offline, offline. He was sitting there and he was like, somebody's got to do it. No one else is doing it. I was trying to catch the ops lacking. I'm really here, bro.

If he's fucking chef and meth. I just want a little. That's crazy. Just a fucking RV. He said that you picked a dude up. They were driving and he was like, dude, if you think about it, how come you've never seen a fucking cemetery built? Because I think they're throwing away bodies.

People die. Every fucking day. They're throwing away people. I've heard this paranoid. There's never been. You've never seen a new cemetery open up. That's a really good point. It's the dawn.

That's a very good point. I one of my buddies works at a cemetery. They just keep expanding cemetery. Bro. Yeah. Every day motherfucker. There's a cemetery by my house. That's a lot of people.

Dude, I'm telling you, if you watch cemeteries, if you could zoom out, Sim City cemeteries, they're just getting bigger constantly. Not going to matter to me when I'm there. They incinerate people constantly. Yeah. They do cook a lot of people. Yeah, dude. That saves space, I guess, in the cemetery.

But New York cemeteries are like fucking chalked out though. It's like full to the edge of the cemetery. Yeah. New York cemeteries are tough. I'm sure they're tough to get a spot in. Maybe this guy's also sensitive. That's why he's walking down 95. It's very expensive.

My buddy who works at the cemetery, it's very expensive to get a spot, and then they kind of like will. That's dick. If you're poor, they'll be like, if you're poor, they'll be like, oh dude, we can cremate you and it takes like an hour with a jet engine fucking blue flame burning a skull. I watched it. All right. I know where that's going, dude.

No, they got it first. They got it right away. Six million times over. Dude, but I don't understand why they don't just switch to making it like. It wasn't by the number. Not six million times, dude. Like nine, nine feet deep or like instead of six feet deep, why not just go deeper in the ground and like stack, stack bodies or like what 12 feet deep.

We might end up changing all of this shit. Six feet deep. I think it's dead. I think that you got to go to deeper and deeper. But then you being hell. Yeah. I think a lack of religion is going to lead to people just being like, fuck it. Throw me out.

Burn me. Throw me out. It's trash. Feed me to the animals. That's what I want. They're going to try to get uploaded. It'll be incinerations and be like upload my consciousness. Yeah.

We already did. What's that? We already did. Don't do that shit to me. You saw Tom freak me out with the mushroom talk the other night. Neuro linked up. Yeah. I mean, I don't want to do high talk right now.

Yeah. Well, you're trying to get high first or not be a simulation. What? You think I'm narrow links right now? I think I'm dead. You ever think about that? You think you do anything different if it was? I couldn't.

It's already been done. Yeah. Exactly. He was real often. What are you seeing, bro? What are you seeing? I'm just, I'm taking in all the paintings, dude. He's a fucking artist.

Oh, yeah. He was just pointing them out. This is crazy. Is this what they did when they bring the girls back? They're like, oh. Yeah. I'm smoking a raise. Little Cezanne.

Yeah. Caravaggio. Yeah. Caravaggio. I didn't know about Caravaggio. No doubt, dude. No doubt. No doubt.

I don't know shit about Caravaggio. He was a bad boy, dude. Why is it so dark? I read about the man. He was a bad boy. That was one of his things. I forget the name. What's the word of his evil?

It's like when it's black, can you use lighting? Caravaggio. Yeah. He was like an innovator. He's a smart guy. Yo, you're a smart as fuck. Do you make art school? I went to art school.

No, no, no. I went to art school. No, no. I feel bad because I'm supposed to know all these. You went to the best art school in Philadelphia. No. I swear to God. No, it's not the best.

Dude, it's one of the best. Come on. It was one of the best. Don't be humble like that. Really? You can paint like that right now. You can be painted. What kind of brush strokes are we talking about?

Short brush strokes? Anything more, bro. I'm for hire. You can sculpt. I'm for hire, bro. Really? Why have you stopped painting? Do you still?

It doesn't make you any money, bro. I bet you can make some money. If you have a trust fund, you can paint all day long. If you have a trust fund, you can paint all day long. Be a peasant and be like, you know. I'm working on a painting. Yeah, yeah. Be a peasant and be like, oh, dude, I'm done busy.

What do you think I did? Yeah. I mean, obviously I had a safety net. I did have mommy and daddy. Yeah, but like, dude. Just in case. You might do it. You're an artist.

You're an artist from the ground up. You've been for fucking six years. Yeah, struggle. You love beans, so stop saying that. I've been thinking about them. I love beans. Black beans last like four days. Croshing beans.

Refried. Refried are the best beans. I don't know what the fuck it was. My woman made some type of white chicken chili. Yeah. Croshing beans. Spicy or what? Yeah, it's a Mexican.

Yeah, a little spicy. Campoio? Yeah. Avocado? So yummy. It was a big pot up there. You know what he's fucking up? Stop munching it.

Whenever I had like teachers, when I was in like second and third grade, when they would talk about their stomach, you'd be like right over their pussy. That's where women's, that's where their stomachs are, dude. Ever noticed that? That's exactly where they are. Anytime a teacher were talking, oh my God, I'm hungry, I was like directly above their pussy. You know what's fucking up?

My heck in the day. Bro. Stomachs were lower. That's your lower intestine. I know. I used to get crushes on my teachers and they were like in their thirties. Yeah, they probably were hot. They were hot.

Obviously. Yeah. As opposed to what though? Like are you thinking that they shouldn't have been hot because they're teachers? Yeah, like it's weird. You know what I mean? Yeah. We were mature.

We had a teacher that was like 25. I was like, holy shit. This is insane. All the boys shut down. We were good for a year. Right? We were amazing. We were like best behavior.

Everybody was getting great grades. She read us the outsiders. It was fucking insane. Damn, the outsiders ruled. She read us the outsiders. She read us the color purple. That was sixth grade. We rolled in the seventh grade.

Did she say the N words in it? Did she read them out loud? I mean, I'm guessing yes. That was on the table when I was in high school. Yeah. What? N words in books. Yeah.

Tom Sawyer. Always like a weird white English teacher. You're just saying just barrel through it. We ended up having a busted teacher and that was sixth grade. We had a busted teacher in seventh grade. We were monsters. She quit. She quit school.

She dropped out. And we had subs for the rest of the year. She brought her down syndrome kid into the classroom and put him in a playpen. And like we were seventh grade. We were like, what the fuck? And we were like fucking with them and stuff. It was fucked up. It's Lord of the Flies.

It turned into Lord of the Flies. It's because you were pent up for the year. All I remember is her sitting there and we broke her down to the point where she was crying. They cried. She cried. She broke down because this is just a mom. We went to Catholic school. None of these people are teachers.

None of them have certificates. But we have spent all day long, each of us, 40 kids in the same room all day every day. For seven years. Yeah, that goes our team. You're not defeated. Telekinesis. Yeah. And she started to break and this one dude just goes, what are you going to do?

Cry on your pretzel. And she fucking lost it. Got up. Walked outside. We saw her. We were in the room. We were like, yeah. She's walking outside having a nervous breakdown.

Her son's a devil. We got her. It was fucking insane, bro. That's so fucked. But we did the same thing in high school. We had a South African teacher named Miss Davidoff. And we just made fun of her accent for like a whole semester. Is Davidoff rude?

She's like old and she just like quit straight up. She was replaced by like a young, like, like tough, like guy. And like he almost cried on the first day. Like you weren't beating us. We had subs come in to try to like remedy the situation. When I went to high school, I met a girl and she had the same last name as one of the subs. And I was like, oh, is your mom a teacher? And she's like, oh, yeah.

And I was like, oh, I went to St. Thomas. And she's like, she just stared at me like, what the fuck? Like it was terrifying. She knew what you did. Whenever we had subs, I would get a book and throw it at the fan. It would fucking hit the fan. It would go fucking crazy. It would go fucking crazy.

It would go fucking crazy. It would explode the fuck. You get like an old Hardy Boys book to go. We used to have toilet paper. It's awesome. We crushed the ceiling with toilet paper. Yeah, that's very fun. We devoured bathrooms.

We just pissed all over the toilet paper. Or we had like a skinny ass hallway in our bathroom. So dudes would go like Spider-Man up to the hole on the top of it. People walk through and like you drop down right behind. It's terrifying, bro. It was fucking scary. These are good times. Well, I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. It was terrifying, bro. It was fucking scary. These are good times. What, dude? It was elite.

Yeah, we made every... I was in Catholic school, too. Every teacher was not... In any way, sir, they were literally just ladies from the Lincoln Church. Every one of them broke down and cried. One of them used to sing in front of us, which was incredible. We kept being like, dude, you're so good at Ave Maria. Oh, my God.

No, it was... Gentle woman. Oh, I love that song. People stop. Dude, remember I learned how to play that down in Florida? Yes. On the rumba or whatever the fuck that thing's called? Gentle woman.

There was two ladies. One of them was a... Well, I'm sure they're... One of them was a lesbian, for sure. She loved the fucking Hershey Bears, dude. Hershey Bears hockey team. The hockey team at 8-0. She was the number one...

I think she was a muff diver. She was the number one superfan of the fucking... Donut bumper. She loved the Hershey Bears, dude. She came in winning like fifth grade. She was like, bears are winning the Calder Cup this year. Are they? Dude, you rule.

They were nice. The fandoms won the Calder Cup the one year, dude. There was a lot of chatter about the fandoms. The fandoms were on the... They were nice, dude. That was sick. When someone was like, dude, he's on the junior fandoms, I was like, oh, shit.

She's sick. Midamaki, dude. Teachers wisdom. Were you all boys? Teachers love. That's not a fucking good song. Were you all boys school? In high school, but in grade school, it was a co-ed.

I was all boys as well. From the Ripper? No, no. Grade school I had and then I was so proud of the old boys. I don't think it's good. I don't think it's a good thing. Yeah, that's why you're a fucking lunatic. Why am I a lunatic?

What are you saying? I don't know. I'm confused. I was a confused person. Why am I a maniac? I don't know. I went to all boys school. You figure it out.

I mean, that was a little fun, you know? I bet. It has its opposite. Double-edged sword. Yeah, it's double-edged sword, dude. There was never dudes being weird around chicks. That was the most fun shit in the world. But one of your boys tries to get...

Dude, farting in front chicks is like... When one of your boys was trying to get pussy... Trying to make this make sense. School was so fun. Yeah, dude. You don't understand it. You got to go up to him and be like, dude, you are a fucking gay bitch

for trying to get pussy right there. Yeah, I never got the experience. You got to watch your bros try Riz in like seventh grade. It's dude. Check it out. Dude, I got caught. I wrote a love letter. You did?

With a Bible verse in it. You did? Yes. My bro found it. What? Yeah, and he... I left it. What Bible verse?

Bro, don't worry about the verse. I've never... I'll never disclose the verse. No. Guys, obviously it was song of songs. I don't know if you know the Bible. My dog does. Song of songs is beautiful.

What was it for? She probably liked it. I think it was sixth or seventh grade. I left a note in this girl's desk. When I got to school the next day, my friend Tyler was just holding it up in the hallway. Bro, how are you here? And I was just...

How are you alive right now? That is devastating. That's how I got to be able to do stand-up. You get publicly humiliated so many times, you're like, nothing can stop you. Nothing can stop you. But you were bold enough to leave her the letter, though. That's like...

It was crazy. And me and her didn't even talk. And we never spoke again. Aime? Not even close. I love this. Aime, I would try. Yeah.

She'd be like... I had my first girlfriend in sixth grade. My first girlfriend was sixth grade. I was pumped as shit. I put her on my profile. Dude, my whole profile was dedicated to my sixth grade girlfriend. Obviously. I made it one day.

Oh, man. I made it one day because I was staring at her in class. You told my girlfriend this is great. Your girlfriend did? One day. Oh, that's your girlfriend. My sixth grade girlfriend, I was obsessed with my sixth grade girlfriend. Really?

She was in seventh grade and had a big deal. She was kind of the hottest. Actually? I was the new kid in school, sixth grade. Oh, yeah. She's fucking cool, dude. Got the hottest chick in me. What the fuck?

Then that fell apart. Dude, I lost the love of my life in sixth grade. And then in seventh grade, I was reaching for the next hottest girl in the grade. Wrote her a Bible where she just got fucking destroyed. I suffered from every new girl. I was in a drought for seven years. Every new girl that came. Yeah, the hottest girl ever.

Obviously, we're going out for two weeks. Yeah, I remember watching a girl from a crawl, like a Jason from a 7A was there. I was in 6B. 7A's, right? How was it in 6B? Yeah, 7A's right there. What the fuck? They would come with a tub of air container, like fucking airheads and stuff.

Yeah, oh boy. This chick got an airhead and deep thirted, dude. I was just sitting there from the other side staring at like, dude, seventh grade's going to be sixth. Seventh grade's going to be nuts. Are you still doing Secret Santa's? Yeah, I was. I did Secret Santa to a girl.

Did you for real? Got a poster. Unspoken words. Wrote her roses are red. The whole deal. How old were you? Fifth grade. It's not that bad.

Fifth grade got a winner. I was hoping you were like sixth or seventh. I was in seventh. I'm trying to say sixth. It was seventh when I wrote the Bible verse. Wait, did everybody guess Secret Santa or you just picked out this girl that you had an admiration of? Most of the time people got Secret Santa for their family.

And then I was like, I'm going to do this for Joanna. I was like, this is it. I'm going to make my move. Yeah, Joanna. Everybody was like, dude, she's got bad breath. And I was like, I don't even care about that. I fucking wrote all this shit in my blue pen. You were going to hook up with the bad breath chick?

Didn't even care about that. You must have been down. Kind of dig. Was she hot either or what? Disabilities. Kind of in the... If you give me a little something off, I'm down. Yeah.

My imperfections. Why? Because you thought you could get in there or you just admired her because she was like real? I don't know, dude. I'm done trying to figure out my psyche. Who you're sexually attracted to? Yeah, I'm just here.

Dude, I was sexually attracted to Jamie Lee Curtis in True Lies. Yeah, of course. It was the hottest lady. But I'm saying she had short hair and so like I still think sometimes short hair is hot or whatever. But I'm like, where is that coming from? And then I saw a replay of that scene. Jamie Lee Curtis striptease.

Yes. Or what else? She was in... What was it? Like the Eddie Murphy movie where she had her titties out or something like that? Trading places maybe? Yes. Trading places.

She had her titties out. Yeah, she had her titties out. Jamie Lee Curtis. I had a thing with her too, which was... And I don't anymore. But Leaving Las Vegas. Elizabeth Shoe. Elizabeth Shoe.

Bro, chill. Elizabeth Shoe was literally the hottest chick. When I was a kid, the hottest chick on the planet. Who's Elizabeth Shoe? Elizabeth Shoe. She was Karate Kid. Leaving Las Vegas. I gotta look her up.

So she's Karate Kid. I'm a kid. I'm watching Karate Kid. I'm like, yeah, this is a hot chick. I get a little bit older. All of a sudden, she's a hooker with a heart of gold in an Oscar-winning film, Leaving Las Vegas. Nicholas Cage.

What are they trying to do to me? She's a hottie. She's currently still leaving a hottie. Back to the future too. She is very hot. Cocktail. I'm gonna lay with her. Nice pick, bro.

Nice pick. Yeah. Hey, hey guys. I was trying to bring the content for the professional podcast. I was pinned by Jamie Lynn Spears and Zoe 101. All I wanted to do was go to a boarding school. I didn't go up like that. I didn't think like...

I mean, I thought the women were hot in movies like Jamie Lee Curtis and shit, but I was fucking Lizzie McGuire, Ren Stevens. That was the two. Dude, you know who I liked? Her Instagram is nutty now. Ren Stevens is, yeah. Yeah, it's fucking good. What?

She's like, I was traumatized by my shit, dude. She's like crying on TikTok. I'm not even traumatizing Riz in Disney. I guess Dan Schneider from Nickelodeon. Yeah, at the foot thing. What, nowadays she's fucked up? Not fucked up. She's just fucking...

She's having fun on Instagram. TikTok too, bro. Look at her TikTok. She's just like weeping about, like, I don't know. She just can't stop crying. I can't download that. China's by where? Yeah, true.

Oh, really? Dude, you know, it takes a photo every few minutes or seconds. Free yourself, dude. Get a new phone. No apps. New number, too. Well, I'm not bugging. I don't mind the apps, though.

I don't mind getting horny from the apps. He's bugging. You're afraid you get to horny. You're scared of yourself. Hey, guys. You just said you have to download... I couldn't be more afraid of myself. I couldn't be more fucked up.

I literally, in the last month, couldn't be more fucked up. Yeah, we just got him a calculator. It calls people. He said, okay, we're still on it. Dude, that's what I was telling Spain. My dad shriveled me when I was a sophomore in high school. I was begging. I had an envy touch, the brick.

I was begging this chick for tit-picks. If you're pleased, like, I don't care. Just please send me one. Dude, this is the funniest shit. Whatever it takes. I won't show anyone. My mom barged in the room. Like, what are you doing?

And I was like, nothing. Kilpatrick. Just hung up immediately. My dad, like, the next day, took me to get a phone and I was pumped up. I was like, all right, sick. Thought you'd get a sidekick. Because I always had everyone's hand-me-down phones.

Yeah. You guys got me talking to you. No, no, I'm with you. I'm with you. I still have my mom's phone number. Yeah. This is my mom's phone number. This is my mom's phone number.

Yes. So I thought I was going to get... It was like the newer Envy's were coming out. Like, the cool LG Touch Dare. Do you remember the dares? They were a square phone that had the touchscreen. It was awesome. Sick.

My boy had pictures of a chick. Like, it was sick. So I thought I was good to go. My dad rolls out there and just says, give me something that calls in text. And I was like... Like, so his dad took him to the phone store. Bill thinks he's dead.

Probably on my mom's orders. You thought it was time. Bill thinks he's dead. No, it was on my mom's orders. No, I know, but you thought it was going to be sick. You thought it was time. Yeah. And then it was literally call or text, black and white.

I couldn't even have custom ring times. His dad shut it down. I had Flute Loop by Beastie Boys on my touch. Or on my Envy. I mean, just to be a fly on the wall watching your dad laugh at that shit. Oh, hilarious. He was loving it? I would assume so.

If it was me, he never, he never like told me. But he just, he's all business with that shit. So it was just like, yeah, you got to get a regular phone. I was like, what the fuck's going on? In reality, I'm begging a 60-year-old girl to send me a picture of her tits. How old were you? I was in high school. She didn't come on.

Clip that. Geez. Why? Begging 16-year-olds for nudes? Dude, I was 16. It was cool. Sorry, I didn't get that part. The first time when I was nutting, when I was like...

You said nutting? The first time when I was nutting, I would like let... Like, my first nuts that I would have. Like, I wasn't really cleaning up, probably. Yeah. And I was like, probably how you're nutting when you're ass naked sleeping, going to bed or whatever. My stepsister moved in my room and she was like, why is the floor crunchy? Holy shit.

Why are there stalactites? I just thought I'd walk it through a cave. Hit the floor? No. How old were you? When was this? That was like, probably nine to... Oh, this is when you were a young man.

That room. That room, I was a warthog. I was a warthog in that room. I left that room when I was like 16. Okay. When you just started nutting, you were just leaving it on the floor. I was just hitting the floor, hitting the floor, rubbing it into the sky blue carpet, bro. You rubbed it in with your hand?

I would be like, yep, it went away. Not even with your foot? This is how retarded kids are. Yeah, they're dumb. I was on the same shit, dude. I was letting my nut dry on my dick with my boxers, like, dried to it. Bro, that gives you... And like, peel my...

Like, I would enjoy the feeling of peeling the, like, the nutted boxers off my... It disgusts you. I thought we were really... I thought we were letting you sleep, dude. You're over here texting 16-year-olds for their cities, dude. When I was 16. When I was 16. That's how you make a battle rapper.

My first nut is my horn. It was like, it was like peeling the glue off the top of the Elmer shit, dude. It's satisfying. It's nice. I honestly think it does sound nice. Our South Paners, we call it skin in a bucket. Skin in a bucket, bro. Dude, I was just skin in a bucket.

It's a Buffalo Bill shit. It's a Goodbye Horses plan. You're a big fat person. I had to move on. Man. Mine was busting up my butt volume, too. D.V.D., portable D.V.D. player. Fifth grade.

We know, dude. This is bullshit. You're sick of setup. No, no, no. I'm saying, when it happened, the first one, I spazzed and ran and played basketball. I lost my shit. I thought I did something wrong. Fuck.

When I first beat off, like, I finally got it to happen. And then, like, I fucking flipped out and ran, like, basketball tucked under my shoulder to our basketball court and just played basketball. Like, nothing happened. 10 footer, did you go mini-ball lower? No, we couldn't lower the court before that. I don't think we could. Dude, my dad?

No, they could lower the court. Angry if we lowered the hoop? Yeah, I agree with that. Well, I agree with that. My dad would get mad. Just out of, like, it should be higher. Yeah, he's, like, put it at 10 and learned how to play basketball. He would get angry.

He'd see me out. He'd throw me at my friend. He'd be the dad of the basketball coach, though. Yeah. I mean, he beat me up that time when I didn't play basketball. I've told you this story. What? Me and my friend were walking to the park and he was like, what are you doing?

We had tennis rackets. I was like, we're going to play tennis. He's like, no, you're not. You're going to play basketball. And I was like... Dude, I had to see me. I should have. I went, because it was right when South Park came out, the movie where they were like,

can we have five tickets? Terrence Phillips, acid fire. Nah. So I was doing that to everybody. Phil goes, no, you're going to go play basketball. And I went, nah. And he walked into the garage and we just kept walking. We're cutting through all these houses in the backyards, dude.

Phil comes five houses down. He comes sprinting from between houses. That movie. Who's an unhinged? Dude, he was... Russell Crowe. Fully unhinged, dude. Yes.

And then he chased me in an open field. I never saw my dad during the day. I don't saw my dad. I saw my dad. Dude, I fell down and he started kicking me. You ran? And he gave me an elbow drop. And he was jacked.

Yeah, he was. Phil was jacked. Just jumped on me. For playing tennis? For trying to play tennis. You're about to do some vacation, dude. Well, for saying no. Oh, yeah.

They're going, nah. Dude, five houses down. It's very far for him to be looking. So did you say no to him and then he waited? No, and he walked back into the garage. And then he got heated. He thought about it. Yes.

And then he searched for me and then saw me and sprinted so far. So much. You know, I'm talking like Terry Tate off his linebacker. I saw him coming. He was like a football field away. I saw him running that far, dude. And what were you like? It was from a movie.

No, at first he was, he understood it was while he was chasing me, he was laughing. And then he got, he caught me and for real was like, you don't fucking lie. You don't talk back. Dude, like that's what that's a rage. It's a rage you don't understand. In front of my friend. Yeah. It's just me and my friend.

That's the worst. He gave me an elbow drop. That's the worst. He was in front of you. I was like, dad, what are you doing? No. Did he punch me in the face for no once? Yeah.

It was an accident. He tried to grab me by the collar. The phone was sitting next to me. I was on the computer and he goes, answer the phone. It was ringing. I got, nah. He walked straight back. He tried to grab my collar.

I was like, what the fuck, dad? Can you act abused for like the next week? Yeah. That's amazing. Dude, there's a rage dads have that I can't understand, but like I kind of get. I probably denied sniz and paying for everyone's meals. Also, if you have a child, you've raised a fucking and then me sitting around like a fucking fat idiot playing games and being like answer the phone.

I'm like, wow. He's probably just like, dude, I'm going to beat the fuck out of this kid. They gave my little sister a boombox for birthday or Christmas or something. And I just like took it. I was like, fuck it. This will be mine. I'm in the basement. I have no idea.

My mom called my dad at work. My dad drove home and chased me around the house. I was like, Cartman be like, dude, I drove home and like, I heard the door. I heard the door open up and you know, it's your dad coming home. You're like, what the fuck is he doing here? And my mom's like, don't know, Jimmy. No, Jimmy. No.

And then it's like, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, down the stairs, dude. And I was just, I hit it. I was 11. I mean, I was probably running like 14s in the hundred. I fucking booked. I was out with the boombox. I was like, fucking, I was doing that shit where you run and then you slide to try to fucking get out of a corner.

Like I was doing like shit on the carpet. Dad's are fucking nuts, dude. Yeah. Jesus Christ. They get crazy. That's why I look at Tom and Matt and I'm like, bro, keep it together, please. Yeah. I always saw my dad run one time.

They're definitely going to spaz, but I don't understand. Dad spaz. But yeah, it's a good thing. Yeah. Why? What was the time you saw your dad run? We were in Ireland and he fucking we were racing and he was just like, we're going to race since the only time saw him run there.

I ran against your dad. We played football. Yeah. Me and your dad play. I went to Ireland. I fucked up. Phil played me and my friend two on one in football once. Really?

We were watching football. And my dad was like, you guys want to go play football? We ran the option. So whoever was the quarterback would pitch it. And my dad would spear whoever was the quarterback. Then he would score and run onside kicks. He would score and roll the ball in the backyard. And if you tried to get it, he would run onside.

Phil's last chance to you. It's unbelievable. That's so sad. Yeah. Me and my friend still say it to this day. He was running into the end zone going, yeah, baby. He was going, yeah, baby. Good idea.

This is nuts. He must have probably had a buzz. Definitely. Probably came home from the ox. He was like, you boys want to play a little football? And that's my thing with my dad. I swear to God, all this shit is 60%. What?

It's just to fuck with you. Yeah. But he was leveling my friend. I get it, but I'm just saying, how big were you guys? We were probably seventh, eighth grade men. Yeah, you're big enough. Yeah, you're big enough. He was drilling us, dude.

Was he tackling to the ground? Yes. Or just like throwing a shoulder and knock you down? Or was he like alligator rolling? Dude, Phil was big 33, dude. Yeah. Phil was big 33. He was.

I wanted to see if he could tackle high schoolers. He was just speared on. His glory days just fucking running it back. He was big 33 tight end, dude. You played Delaware ball. You have no idea what the big 33 is. Oh, bro. The PA was so high.

This state championship shit with Delaware kills me. I mean, dude. State championship Delaware, dude. You can't say it didn't happen. Did you guys play eight on eight? Huh? Was it seven on seven ball? What are you talking about?

Football. Like Texas ball? Like in the summer? Seven on seven? No Lyman? What's that called? What's that? Sprint?

Sprint. Like where it's not 11 guys. You don't have enough people. You don't have enough people. If I came up something like you on line, I'd laugh. I'd bury you, dude. No, you just wouldn't. Should we lose a table?

Let's get an Oklahoma drill. I would love that. Nowadays, dude. My playing days are done. You were just in a gym. I just saw you're deadlifting for. Not a big deal. Billy actually goes to the gym.

You are in Jack. Dude, the gyms got me fucking wrapped up right now. The V. The V. Yeah, but it's the V. The V is crazy. The baddest fucking love handles. You need that.

It's love handles? It's winter. It is winter. You're exactly right. You survived. You're right. What if your guy's plane goes down and you gotta like hatch it out? Chill in the woods.

I don't want a plane tomorrow. I know, dude. I think about it every time I'm on a plane. Planes are scary. Dude, I just say what others are thinking. True. The only difference is you have the balls to say. You don't have to be false or sugar.

To the lady next to you on the plane, like, yeah, what if we crash, dude? This is probably going to go down. This bird's going to go down. Don't worry. Hold on to me. We got to switch over because this is probably too long. How long is it? Oh, really?

That's it? God damn. That beginning was rough. Dude, that was a weird term. I don't even think it was, dude. I don't even think it was rough. I thought it was nice. It's just a conversation between friends.

Don't get in my head. I know it's up. No, you don't. Dude, I feel like I've been cheating this entire time. Like, I feel like I'm front row at War Mode, dude. I used to not know what you both looked like and I had like images in my head. Yeah. I mean, I used to think...

Better or worse, don't lie. Honestly, both better, I think. Oh, dude. Thank you. Yes. Both better. You guys are handsome guys. Yeah, that's what I mean.

I want to say that something to this check in the gym is so bad, I just can't do it. Definitely don't hit anybody. Maybe, girl. No, no, no. But like, we, like, I don't know if she works there. She's there all the time and it's like eye contact. And then finally, like, she was working. I was like, oh, shit.

Chick's working here, too. Actually, yeah, you probably should say. Well, what kind of stuff are you trying to say? Riz. Just like, what's up? As long as you're not like trying to make hard plans. If I drink every time you say Riz. Yeah.

Just, just I'm saying like... Riz does Riz. There's no good... Riz is so funny. There's no good way of going about it. Because no matter what, you have to fucking leave. Like, if I go there and she says, no, I go to a new gym. Never going back.

But why are you asking her a yes or no question? Why don't you just give it... Spit her some of the rizziest games she's ever heard. I'm just gonna say what's up to her. But like, dude, the last thing I want to do is fail. Dude, can't be afraid of failure. You know what I mean? Now that you're a professional podcaster, you're gonna have to get used to some failures.

Yeah. But you're just gonna... It's an embarrassing job. She's so hot. It is a humiliating job. I love her. It's like MTV made. Like, you gotta get tasked with going to talk to like a certain number of women knowing

that the fail will be built into it. I can't do that shit. Man, like... So you like this girl? Oh, I love her. Can I see what she looks like? I don't know. I don't know her name.

Do you know her name? Two ships. Why don't you just ask her name? Hey, what's your... So... Yeah, I would never... I would literally never do that. She knows my name, though.

I would never do that ever. She knows your name from that computer. I checked in. I was like, I'm gonna get a bottle of water. Yeah. Just check and maybe search me. It's easy to hide behind the internet. That's how you can meet people.

What? Instagrams. Fire emoji? Easy. Yeah. In real life, that's fucking psycho shit. Walking up to someone and be like... I'd done it before.

I noticed you. I'd done it twice in my life. Sorry. I was doing some deadlifts. I've been watching you. You see me in here. I'm touching a hundred pound dumbbells and no one else is. That's the last dumbbell.

There is a hundred pound. You are? Yeah. For what kind of exercise? Climb press? Yeah. A hundred pound dumbbell? Not bad.

Guys, nobody touched the cheese. I had some cheese. I don't want to eat a little cheese. I'm not trying to mukbang you on the pod. Eat a little cheese. Chewing into the mic? Yeah. RIP Diamond?

Is it Diamond who died? Diamond did pass away. Yeah. Really? From Diamond and Silk? Yep. No, she did it. She passed away.

Get the fuck out of here. She did? Died suddenly. Yes. I'm sorry about that. Because I always see people crawl on Instagram reels and shit. Suck in there. Bro, I know exactly who you're talking about, dude.

I know the one thing you're talking about. She's probably a nice woman who doesn't mukbang, but. RIP, obviously. What's Silk going to do now? I don't know. She needs a new lady. Silk did a shocker. She needs a new lady to get in there.

Get out of here, William. Ouch. Dude, you just hit your ice coffee. What happened? Legs are sore. I kept my leg crossed the whole time. Really? I don't want to hurt.

Because if I sit like this, I look like a fucking retard. IQ 10. Bullshit. I had about five blood lights. I feel hammered. Jeff Bec died. Motherfucker. Jeff Bec died?

Yeah. Holy shit. Are you serious? No. The guitarist? Jeff Bec died? Died in 78. Are you fucking kidding me?

Jeff Bec just died. Who do you play for? Jeff Bec. I'll show you. This will pump you up so viciously. That's fucking Jeff Bec. He's the guitarist, guitarist, brother. Jeff Bec died.

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Kill yourself, bitch. You didn't fucking roll. Yo, did you rip a $5 bill in half? No, I just had that. You had a half of five? I'm saving it. You fucking bum. I'm saving it so I can get someone to put it together.

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Come on with the money now. Only DraftKings Sportsbook with promo code Drenched. Minimum age and eligibility restrictions apply. See notes for details. Thank you, DraftKings. Thank you, DraftKings. That's bullshit. What?

Jeff Bechtat. I love them. Who's Jeff Bechtat? Can we play Jeff Bechtat? Can we play Jeff Bechtat? Yeah, I have one. We'll play it out. We'll play it out.

We just did Becht's Bolero. Yeah, can we do that? Bolero or something? I just, a girl asked me, I'm sure if you could meet anyone in the world, who would it be? It's happening to me with John Martin. Yesterday I said Jeff Bechtat and he's dead today. I heard about John Martin. He died that year.

Man, Shane's Secret Podcast is brought to you by True Classic. True Classic's got the best feeling and best look for T's out there. Yes. Mandatory, mandatory personal endorsement. How does it feel? I've worn one. It literally is the most form-fitting T. It's actually pretty nice.

No, they're fantastic T-shirts. They just fit. They go to the right part of the leg. They hit the arms right. The arms are very important. The arms is good. When you have it sticking out like that, you look like a big fat fucking dork. I wish I was wearing one right now.

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You're getting excited. You're going to vomit. He's like a dog, dude. He sounds like a dog throwing up. He's like Barney Frank. Even boxer briefs designed to keep your boys. That's funny bullies. Feeling nice and comfortable.

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That's 25% off at trueclassic.com with code drenched. Santa won't be the only one saying thanks to true classic. How old is this at? Oh, fuck. Did I fuck that up? No. Santa won't be the only one saying thanks to true classic. Your girlfriend will.

Your girlfriend's going to say that. She's going to see you wearing a shirt you bought off the internet. This is like a push-up. Your girlfriend's fucking disgusting pussy is going to get soaked. It's going to be throbbing. Ew. Your girlfriend's pussy? I would not even want to see it, dude.

If somebody had a picture of your girlfriend's pussy on their phone, I would go, No. I don't even want to see it. And I watch cartel videos. Be heading. All right. Thank you, trueclassic, dude. Come on, guys.

Up your pant legs. Seeing up your shorts. Yeah, Jim Schwartz wasn't the best choice for a lot of... I'm trying to sell you this for my back. Me and Ron have bad backs right now. That sucks. I know. They pointed it out as soon as I sat down.

They're like, you got bad back. They're back where it spurs. But I went to the doc today. I got a script for fucking physical therapy, dude. I thought you were about to get addicted to me. She offered me. She offered me. And I said, no.

She was like, you need anything for it? And I was like, no, I'm straight. I could get it on the street. Zombie tranks. Yeah. I'm back home. Dude, I got fired up last night to sell it. This triggered me again.

What? So then I get in this fight with those dudes that are making fun of me. They're like, dude, say their names. Have you seen the laptop? Like, have you seen the laptop? Everything is just a conspiracy. That is so pussy. Hold on.

What the fuck? And then I go down and watch stand up. And the guy before me is like, my uncle's a fucking idiot. He's addicted to perks. Every one of his problems, he blames on Biden. He's addicted to perks, dude. What did Biden do that to you? He was sitting in the back like, yeah, kind of.

Kind of. Yes. He's actually right. The government did kind of destroy everybody. Yeah. They didn't give us. Don't press buttons, dude. Well, it plays a laugh track or something like that.

What is he playing something? Hit it again. Yeah. We'll play now. That is a pause. How contentious did the argument get with crickets? Isn't stopping. Dude, I will say this.

That's awesome. Like when Obama. I totally get it. We have that one guy had hillbilly energy crickets and applause. Right. And it was all. What? Yeah.

You can do this all day long. Roadcaster all day long. We have one at the house. You can't hear it though. What's that? What's that? Oh, that's. Yeah.

Let's go. Let's go. Gillism on. Gosh. You ever been to Jamaica? Yeah, you have. I stay in Jamaica. No.

Pondy. Right. This is not your buttons. These are my buttons. What's that? What's that? Oh, yeah. All right.

We got to stop. There's no way I'm going to talk anymore. All right. I'm a roadcaster pro myself. How do you stay away from this? Crickets keeps getting touched because the stuff of the stuff me and Spader talking about. I'm a roadcaster pro myself.

How do you stay away from this crickets keeps getting touched because the stuff of the stuff me and Spader talking about dude, like we're just trying. You do need to break some. What do you mean? We're trying. I'm just talking about shitting myself that died. I was playing along with what you were saying.

I'm saying you got to break it up. Dude, that's the thing. You're the pro. I can't even notice something. You'll notice. What's that? All right. Crickets.

Crickets. You use that. Make a beat. Make a beat real quick. I got hit with it a couple of times yesterday. Last night. Yeah. Why?

I was human, dude. I got no fucking. You just read. Political battle. Yeah. Attacked by the lives. Yeah. And this was wild.

This was like a scary one. I got on stage and there was a girl in the front row. Dead center. Yeah. She. I forgot every single comedian was making fun of her for being Australian. I get on stage and I'm like, I was just in Australia.

This is the first thing I say and the girl just goes. And for some reason, dude, it fucked me up in my face. I got like embarrassed. I got dark red and started sweating like insane amount of sweat. Like, dude, I went to like, I thought I was sweating a little and I went to wipe my forehead. My hair was so wet.

It totally. That's a nightmare. And then I was like, at the end of my set, the host came on. I was like, is it fucking hot as fuck on the stage? And she was like, not at all. I was like, oh, then I'm having a heart attack right now. I need help. I was like, I hope that wasn't that.

You were like a code. It was crazy. But you were one of the codes. What do you mean? Like when you bring them in the hospital, they're like code blue. That's fucking nice. You were one of the early codes. I said, I just saw this girl in the front.

Just go. My I looked away. I was like, looking at her watch her do it. And I went, I went. And I could feel my face turned dark red. Just from one micro interaction. I didn't care. It was something that just just watching.

When you started joking, you see someone just go. I had a dream. I had a dream. Bill didn't stand up and he was crushing it. And I was in the audience and I was like, I knew he could do it. That's really sweet. Never in my life would I do it. Why?

Why? He'd be so funny. You'd be sick. But you're out of the, you're like a pro now. Yeah. You're like Anthony. You're like Anthony. No, I'm like, it would be a comment.

They call me bro. Rogan. That's me. Just thought of that right now. You just thought of bro Rogan. That's why you're a pro. Exactly. It's wordplay.

That's wordplay. You could battle rap too. Word Smith, battle rap. Word Smith. Yeah. Same type of shit, bro. You're in the game. When you went back upstairs.

Bill Shakespeare, dude. When you went back upstairs with the dudes who were politically roasting you. What, did it, did it get contentious or was it like? It never got contentious. I got fucking angry. And I was like, what am I doing? What am I doing? I left and I was like, it ruined.

I was mad for like two hours at least. That's terrible. Quiet. Didn't talk to any other comics. Just sat there like. And then I'm watching every comic and I'm like fucking liberal pussy. They make you hate it. They're just going to call me fucking Republican.

I'm not even that Republican. Yeah. What the fuck? It's infuriating to me. But it's weird when you're at a club like that where every single person agrees. Really? They're like CNN Democrats. That's wild.

They lost the board like CNN. They love to sit at those tables and argue about that shit. They were baiting you. They definitely left. They got me. I'm the only one that'll argue. Yeah. They got you.

They want to sit. I turned dark red. I was like, I'm just saying we never saw a picture of Osama. Dude, what the fuck? Yeah, it was pretty embarrassing. I think he kept his composure. The guy was arguing. I think he probably forgot about it.

Probably didn't care about it. I'm on day two of being angry about that. This time someone says, day I go SR. Yeah. You guys, don't worry about crumb, dude. I thought you were maintaining your seat. I will be tempted this weekend. I jizzed all over today.

What? I jizzed today. Did you? Oh, yeah. I'm saying try drying it on your dick and peeling it off. It might be nice. You don't think that's ever happened? I used to do it.

I was doing that. I used to do it. I think that you guys got to try it again. Elmer's glue, I would put it on my finger. The analogy of the Elmer's glue is perfect. It's perfect. And it's satisfying. It's super satisfying.

I'm worried about if I slept ass naked like you do, that I would fart and shit myself in bed. Well, I listened back to some of my SnorLab to see if there was farts. And there's this weird, like, it sounds like a balloon. When you listen back to hear your fart. Yeah. It's twilight reel.

That's made twilight reel. They give you a high-reality reel. They tell you how to fix your snoring. But my snoring, I was like... They got a strap that goes around its head like this. Yeah. I didn't get the strap. I didn't get the strap.

I just put me in his bed. Shit. That's all he wears to me. He's got my brakes. I went on a date, dude. I went into his house. What's that? Imagine someone breaks into Spade's house.

I have a gun. Your autopsy picture is going to be you with this strap on your head holding fucking... The ax from Lord of the Rings. Well, I just have pictures of Spade after he died. Give him a card, doggy. Yeah, that's steady. That's a power.

That's power, bro. That's a kingly snore. I don't think that's any like... Yeah, that's pretty awesome. That's not even a problem. Nah, dude. You're not supposed to snore all night. That's just going up.

You got a king snore now. You're not supposed to snore all night, dude. Dude, there's times where it just stops and you go with no breath. Yeah. Yeah, it's fucking nuts, dude. 90 seconds, no breath. Oh, it's insane how long you cannot breathe

when you're sleeping. I do it. That does suck. Whenever you're kind of... I might be dying a little bit. A little bit of DMT. Oh, he's back. Yeah.

Wait for yourself up from the start. Hold on. We gotta switch over. Let's switch over. We're going to... Either that was the Patreon or the one coming up is. So join the Patreon. Dude, none of them were bad.

Listen to War Mode. Listen to War Mode. Listen to War Mode. Listen to Son of a Boy Dad. Listen to War Mode. I've been geeking this entire time just because I feel like I'm front row to a War Mode podcast. I mean, that's what it does, too.

It's my favorite. It's literally my favorite. I'm such like on some... Well, man change is fine, but War Mode's pretty good. Yeah. Whatever. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Can you make a... Bill, make him stop. It's different. Yeah. It's like being on Dat Piff here and like Cush and OJ. You know?

You're like Wiz. Yeah. We're like Cush and OJ, Wiz. It's also like... I gotta explain to people that you guys are joking. Yeah. What the fuck? Obviously we can't around.

It's all sat down. Some of it. Sometimes we get pissed off. Am I not allowed? To get pissed off? Yeah. You're allowed. It's a free country.

Wow. That was a good snap. That was a real good snap. Wow. Dominant daddy. How gross is that on euphoria? Dominant daddy. Panging that tranny chick.

That was so weird. What? On euphoria. Did you like that? Huh? Do you remember that? Like I watched euphoria. Yeah, okay.

Bruh. That was like the main story. I didn't watch any of it. Dominant daddy. I didn't watch any of it, bro. You need to get down. Yeah, man. I know what this is.

That was a dominant. All right. It's just nice to hear your voice. Thank you, Bill, for adding that. No problem. Cricket plays every time. Cricket's broken.