Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 435- Cedar Fever

Episode Date: March 23, 2023

Back in the parent's basement...you know how that goes...just cool dudes with big d*cks having lots of fun. Go ahead and tune right in.  Support the D.A.W.G.Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod Buy Merch @ mssecretpodcast.com Go See Shane Live @ shanemgillis.com Go See Matt Live @ mattmccusker.com/dates Go watch Gilly and Keeves "The Special" @ gillyandkeeves.tv Or on Amazon Prime ! Watch Shane's special and the sketches @GillyandKeeves Go to psychnaw.com Support Stoner Dadz @ patreon.com/stonerdadz Shawn Gardini's shows -linktr.ee/shawngardini Support the show, and try Babble for up to 55% off at https://www.babbel.com/DRENCHED Support the show and get 10% Off with the code DRENCHED at https://Lucy.co Support the show by going to displate.com and use promo code DRENCHED to get up to 27% off your first order.

From my parents' basement. Again, this is the big one. Stuff goes down when we're here. True. Last time my mom put a hole in the roof with a dump. Oh, that was weird. Remember, she clogged. How was that long ago?

And then I got fired from SNL the next day. What? Like the next two days, yeah. We haven't done one since then? I think we did one. The Hot Wheels track, yeah. Hot Wheels, yeah. Okay.

That's all I was saying. I was like, damn, I thought I was like... Did we play with it? Yeah. We played with the Hot Wheels. Yeah, we had that Hot Wheels track last time we were playing with it. This is, I think, the third one. It's pretty good.

This is the third one. At least the third one we've done, man. At least the third live. Oh, yeah, because I think we went to Gettyspring. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway. Well...

Anyway, it's good to be here. What a good week. How do you feel? I feel pretty good. I feel more confused than ever. About what? My whole life, dude. I got to raise a whole family.

It's dawning stuff. I forget about it all the time. And I'm just like, yeah, I'm going to do another book. And then I'll go, oh, and then I got a shepherd fucking two lives. I got to raise those kids. I go, what the fuck? I go, what the hell am I going to do with those guys? I go, oh man, I freak out.

And then I go, I'll just try to find a good school. That's all you can do. That's all you can do. Yeah. I've been trying to figure that out, trying to figure out relationships. They're difficult. Very difficult, dude. I've sort of got, I think, the big part of it is you have to sit there.

If you're in for the long haul, you have to selectively pick parts of your personality and just incinerate them. You have to also make sure you're not like incinerating your core personality because then you'll just turn into like a bland fucking, you know, happy wife, happy life type. Because you have, you will, I understand the reason, dudes. I emphasize or empathize with dudes like, I would see those blank thousand yard stairs and be like, what a fucking pussy.

And I see it now. I see why you'd smash the emergency glasses, go hard reset in my whole system. I don't care about anything. You have to. I don't care. Please just fucking stop torturing. Don't fucking yell at me. Phil was just telling me how nice it was.

The first thing he said when he picked me up, he was like, your mother's been gone for two weeks. God damn, you must've been getting fucking hammered, dude. He must've been getting blacked out every night. He had just 14 days here. 14 days. And I was like, how was he? It was like, I mean, it was pretty much the same other than not having your mother come

down and be like, did you empty the cat litter? Did you empty the litter box? It was like, she asked me every fucking day. God damn, cats got the nicer bathroom than I do. Well, you start waiting for those, that's the thing. When you know you're fucked, you'll be sitting there preemptively having that. It'll put a ghost in your head. Now you're having those conversations when they're not even there.

And you're like, see, I did put that there. And if she fucking, oh, I'm going to, you know what? She left that thing there. I'm going to put it away quietly. And once you're there, you're fried. Oh man. I've been, I've been navigating that realm. And I, you know, it's going well.

It is going well. It's a difficult realm. And it's a difficult realm. I see why, dude. It's completely freaked out. Having one person tell me to do one thing. I'm like, dude, I hate them. I wish they weren't in here.

Leave me alone. Dude, it's crazy. Oh, yeah. I had to get woken up at 8am. Who woke you? Phil Pound. Dude, Pound's on the door like he's serving a fucking warrant. It's fucking crazy, dude.

It nothing bothers me more. Get up. It's how he fucking does it. It's so fucking annoying, dude. I'm furious. And then my mom's yelling. She's like a cat, dude. She'll stand outside your door.

Come on. Let's go. Oh my God. Got to get moving. Oh my God. Shut up. You're having like great school flashbacks. Dude, I was having, I had a wild night.

I know. I know. These are my dreams, dude. I have wild dreams. She's a cat. She really sits outside your door. Shit. Shit.

Come on. It just rubs the wall. Let's get moving. Oh my God. Let's get moving. Dude. So many dumb, women have so many dumb phrases. Dude, I'd rather see a swastika on my wall.

Wake up. What the hell is that? Yeah. Then fucking see her that. Phil Pound. We got to go. Pounding the door. Let's get moving.

I'd rather someone like eight by eight hit the side of my house with a swastika. Absolutely. I'd be upset. I'd be deeply upset by that. Obviously. But I'm saying if somebody hits me with that. If somebody happens to spray paint a swastika inside your room while you're asleep, you prefer that.

I'm livid, dude. I'm livid. You're livid. But nothing like waking up furious. Is there a worse feeling than an early morning wake up just absolutely? Dude, imagine at four a.m. Imagine that at four a.m. Bro.

Bro. Imagine then you wake up to a kid, a kid going. You just feel smacked and I just go. It takes everything in me not to just go. Let me fucking out of here. Yeah, dude. I'm still thinking about, I can feel my shoulder getting nudged like a week ago and all that. That just reminded me that fucking Stortis waking up.

Dude, I fucking hate to that guy. So sorry. That's what I was saying last night. No, no. Oh, my dreams. Every single dream I had, I was trying to get a drink. I was thirsty. I was thirsty in real life.

Every dream I kept going in and out of like, cause I'd been drinking for five fucking days. I was in Austin. So last night was the first like sober sleep. Yeah. My dreams were fine. They all came back. Yeah. But every dream was about just trying to get a drink.

Just plain old liquid. Yeah. And then I woke up and I was like, Oh yeah, I'm thirsty. I had to walk downstairs at four a.m. I had to raise my way in five days to give me that message. Yeah. You have to drink, you idiot. Drink water.

Yeah. Finally we got them. You were like that. I had a tornado and a plane crash stream. You did? Simultaneously. Last night? Yeah.

Before it was just all while you were trying to get a drink. The plane happened to crash in water. So maybe that was something. Whoa, dude. You fucking, I think that might be a foretell. I was, I was reading about this guy's name. I can't remember him. Herbert.

I pulled up on my phone. He was like one of the early aviation guys. Yeah. And I was, I was actually going to come here and tell you about this guy crashing like five planes and living. What the hell is this guy's name? Yeah. It's pretty fucking sick.

I always do this. I always go to something else when I pull something up for myself. Oh, there he is. Howard Hughes. Oh yeah. The aviator. You know of him? The aviator, dude.

He was a director. I didn't know he was like a big Hollywood guy. Yeah. Did you ever get into his shit? Did you ever see the aviator? No. Yeah. Did you know what that guy's shit was about?

What? He was just, he was like a big time Hollywood guy, had a ton of money, and he was like, I want to fly. Yeah. He's got into flying planes. He was a crazy person. He's nuts. He ended up, I mean the end of the movie is him locked in his personal theater, pissing

in jars for weeks. Oh, he was OCD. Yeah. But dude, did they get into the movie? Did they get into all of his plane crashes? Yeah, crashes. Yeah. Crash five fucking times.

Yeah. I didn't know, I was reading this. Built a giant plane? Did they talk about that? I don't know. It's like a movie. He builds a fucking gigantic, I don't even know. It might be the F-11.

He was like contract. It's like an Albatross or something. Oh, the one with the, it was, yeah, I think I know what to talk about. Which one, he broke the, he circumnavigated the globe. He broke that record. That was three days. He did it in three days and 55 minutes. And the other guy was like eight hours.

But dude, did they show you when he crashes into a suburb? Yeah. Like a jet. Yeah. Yeah. He catches on fire. It's fucking insane. The first time he flew, he was like, this is what's up.

This rules broke the speed right. You want like 450 miles an hour and then it's crashing to a beat field. He crashed five times. His friends, he cracked his skull the one time his friends died. This is all in that movie. Yeah. It's pretty good. You're gonna like that movie.

I got to check it out. I was reading about this guy's life. I was thinking about him. I think about that movie constantly. He gets stuck in loops of repeating himself. And he's like, I can't stop. And it's like, dude, I'm there. I'm there.

I have thoughts. I have recurring over and over the same thought. I'm like, this can't happen. That's crazy. Cause I was, I was reading about the aviator last. I didn't know that he had the movie. Yeah. Yeah.

He was just picking up babes. They're saying he would just like... Dude, fly babes. He was the first dude of his time to be like the, what was it called? Like the city list citizen who was just flying. He was like the first like truly global type of dude. And he was just flying over cities and swooping down and grabbing stars. And they're saying like, he was like a mythical creature just coming down and picking women

up and taking them into the sky and just dumping them back down. Yeah. There was some guy, the only guy that could fly came by and fucked your girlfriend. Yeah, dude. The only dude. He was flying, but he crashed constantly, dude. Yeah. He'd be praying for that fucking...

Five fucking plane crash. That motherfucker. Dude, he had the one, his heart moved from this side of his body to that. But apparently the same thing happened to Princess Diana. Her heart had gone completely over this way. Yeah. It's fucked up. In the car accident?

Yeah. When she was dead? Yeah. She was still alive when they came and got her. Really? She was still alive. Everybody's always still alive. Yeah.

I mean, her heart. Lincoln was alive for like two days. Was he really? Lincoln was alive for like a long time. He didn't like say his last word. Kill me. What the fuck? What if they shot him right in his free, free the slaves part of his brain and then

he got hit and he was like, what? Hey, let me put me on TV. What did I do? Son of a bitch. I don't want to do that. We all have that part of our brain. Which part? FTS dude.

Free the slaves part of the brain? You got shot right in his free the slaves part of the brain. The angel. The angel on his shoulder. Yeah. Shot him right in the angel on his shoulder. And the bad guy was like, get them back. Get them back.

We need them. I'm not going to do chores. That's all it was. There's a bunch of dudes with wives going, when are you going to pick up that? You keep leaving the cotton everywhere. He's like, I'm going to get other people to do this. I don't even think that's worth, you know, I don't think that was as funny as it was. Offensive.

I mean, it was a very funny premise when you carry the camera on you real quick. Yeah. Anyway, let's let you know this is a racist rally. Speaking of dude, speaking of race and US politics. La Mer, dude, on the way here, almost. I mean, I thought that he was only, I thought literally easy. They're going to go like dead or jail, dude, on the way here. Why?

What happened? We got pulled over. Pulled over. He was driving again. I was chilling. Don't let him drive your car. I listened to sci-fi audio. Why?

I listened to sci-fi audio. Hold on. You can listen and drive. Why are you driving? Why is he driving? He's so chill. He's driving Miss Daisy. Dude, he's so chill.

Not driving. I put on sci-fi audio books and I prefer driving. Really? I like driving. See, I used to be the same. I got a passenger anxiety where it's kind of like we'll slow down, but La Mer is like steady on the wheel. Good driver.

Yeah. La Mer is steady on the wheel. Except for today. Did I? You weren't even going that fast. You're going 85 miles an hour. That was my ass as hell. 85 is pretty fast.

In a 2019 CRV? That's going fast, dude. You think it's on the turn button? 85 is pretty fast. It's up there. 90's. I'm like, all right. 90 I'm on.

This is a bit. Yeah. But on the turn, let's get that dehumidifier going. True. I like it. It's part of, look, where my parents' basement, dude. There might be some noise in the back. We don't want to, you know, we don't want to humidify over humidify.

Nothing worse. Dude. So we're driving. That was a sound, La Mer. Okay. Cool. You're going to turn it off. Don't you dare touch my dad's humidifier.

Empty the drip tray. You can touch it. Empty the drip. Make sure the drip. Make sure the drip. Come on. Dude. So we're driving.

I'm passing. I think we're listening. No, we weren't even listening to Neuromancer yet. I think we were just listening to music. Roy Harper. Yeah. Yeah. I was hitting him with like acoustic gods and like soft percussion the whole way up.

Somehow he caught some speed. He just fucking spoke out heavy on the pedal. Dude, I look at the map and go, oh, La Mer says a speed trap and we just pass a cop. Oh, fuck. Dude. So the guy starts coming behind us. La Mer's like, he's not going to pull us over like La Mer. This guy's definitely pulling us over.

He's reading my place right now. He's going to pull us over. Dude. Black state trooper comes jackpot. Major pain. Did you go either way? Major pain. You go either way.

He was cool. But he was, you could tell this guy, I mean, this guy wasn't a troop. I would give him an Oscar. He must have been like a Marine or something. Oh, really? Comes up. This guy was. They all do pretend to be Marines.

I true. And that's why I wish they were Marines, dude. But I was like, you know, this guy comes up. I'd been waiting to interact with police in this way. I've been excited because I wanted to do cop talk. Yeah. Because I had that thing. It was from when Brittany was a cop.

I had like officers, officers, boyfriend, but I was, that would look like true. You were his husband. True. Officer's husband. If you like. But it has a picture. He's driving. It has a picture.

He would have been furious. La Mer's fucking black cop daddy scared him straight. He's your, but he's your black cop daddy. No, no, no. The mayor's black cop daddy pulled us over. Well, that's your grandpa. Cause that's your black cop daddy. The mayor's your daddy, dude.

You have the, all right. But there's a picture. Brittany's picture's in it. All right. So there's a picture. So the cop pulls us over. I was like, fine. I've been waiting to be pulled over to see if this works.

I go, sir. Um, you know, I was like, you know, my bad. I get all, I'll get all my paperwork together. I go, but I wouldn't see it. You know, if you can give us a professional courtesy. I was like, my wife's down. She was down in Philadelphia for a while. Hit her with the picture.

This dude could not be less interested. He goes, do you have your license or registration? Not a big deal. But dude, old criminal. Let me see, dude. When he goes to get his license, he grabs his jacket and dude, the fucking car stinks like weed now. When he moved his jacket, I go, great.

What the hell? The whole time I'm just kind of laughing at this whole situation. Like, this is ridiculous. So before the cop comes, he moves his jacket. My car smells like weed. I go, great. So we're sitting there. The cop comes.

He's, you know, I don't have any of my paperwork. Of course I call, I call Brittany. I'm like, Brittany, could you please send me all my stuff? Yeah. Send me my stuff. Everything was fine. Going smooth. I'm like, yo, here's the deal.

And the guy was being pretty cool. Doing a podcast. Yeah, totally. What are you doing? I said, oh, working. Doing a podcast. It was like, anything we said just bounced right off him. He gives us our stuff back.

And he goes, you're smoking weed in here? Oh, no. I was like, we were not smoking weed in here. Oh, no. Well, dude, for some reason, something told me to grab my vapor. I have not been smoking weed at all. I grabbed my vaporizer, sitting right there. And I said, officer, no one's smoking weed.

This is my vaporizer. Here's my medical marijuana card. You're probably smelling that. And he goes, no. And he goes, look at me. I'm talking to the driver. He goes, look at me. Look at me.

You're smoking weed today. And the man goes, oh, at five in the morning. No, you fucking idiot. Five in the morning. What a stupid answer. That is Black Cop Daddy, dude. He's scared. He's scared.

I was panicked, dude. I couldn't drive after. I had to apply to drive. I didn't take him to the turn, but I didn't go to a rest stop yet. He had to get a Roy Rogers Pepsi and Roy Rogers. He got some curly fries, dude. He's Black Cop Daddy. Shook him, dude.

Why would you wait? He's stuck his head in the window. He said, have you been smoking weed? The mayor said five in the morning. I turn it. I look at the mayor. I'm like, is the mayor looking high? Dude, his eyes were.

Yeah. The mayor looks high. His eyes are always watering. His eyes started watering. He's crying right now. I turned. I just don't mind. I turned to look at him.

I was like, praying to God, like the mayor, you better have your best poker face. You better have a poker face. He's like this with water coming out of his eyes. Motherfucker, dude. Come on. Dude, for real. You had five in the morning. Oh my God.

That's the last. Dude, if I was looking, if I was next to somebody and I was like, you got to have a poker face. The mayor is the last person I would want to see, dude. Dude, God damn it. He literally looked like a parent just walked in there. He went fully already. Sorry. His face was sorry.

He's like, yeah. Have you ever smoked a weed? Yeah. Yeah. I was like, we were not smoking weed in this car. The mayor goes, yeah, it's a five in the morning. Why? Why?

Five in the morning. I'm a bad liar. I couldn't like panic. I'm a bad. I hate the panic button. I didn't want to lie. I thought I was going to tell the truth. I didn't want to lie.

I was telling the mayor, I was like, if this cop took you out and started beating you, I would have jumped in. He would have jumped in. I was like, you fucking dumbass, dude. You're my fucking cartoon. Oh, fuck. I told him I would have had to have jumped in. So what happened?

What'd the guy say? He was super fucking cool, dude. He was just like, you know, he gave us a ticket and then he was like, yeah, man, like, you guys just fucking chill. There's a million cops out here. Take it easy. And I was like, dude, I even told him, I said, bro, take it easy. I love you.

I appreciate it. I love you. I appreciate what you're doing. I love you. I love you. I'm a Korean financial fan. I said, bro, I still, I've, there's no hard feelings on this side. I want you to be safe.

Be good. I was so happy. I wanted to talk to cops, dude. Yeah. Talking to cops seems fun. So dude, I, there's, we had a dense moment there where it could have went either way. Like that's, they can rip, you know, they can take your blood and shit. Fucking right, dude.

Especially when the guy says yes. Five in the morning. He claimed sanctuary, time sanctuary. Yeah. But it was the sun wasn't up. That's, that's state law. That's commonwealth law. Sounds down.

You can do it. I'll never forget his face. He was smoking weed. Yeah. Shut the fuck up. Why did you say that? Cause I was, I already had a perfect story. Like this is the weed.

It's my Vapora and he just fucking again. Dude, him stonewall in the, you might. Oh dude, but he asked me. And the fucking medical marijuana card. He was like, yeah. He asked me. He asked me. He asked me.

He asked me. He asked me. He asked me. He asked me. He asked me. I was like this is the, this is the first time I've ever seen a medical marijuana card. He was like, it was glamorous black cop daddy.

Dude. I was just some shitty white friend. Dude. I was a spoiled white brat, dude. Stunner, white brat. Just sitting there. This is ridiculous. But no, he actually, he was like, let me see that thing again.

He goes, yeah, someone gave me a fake one of these recently. And I was like, bro, this is, this is. Definitely legit. I was named a district. Yeah, I was like, bro, this is legit. Yeah. I didn't include the fact that she quit, but you know, you dominate it, dude. You're, you're good at that.

I was pretty, I was told. Very good at the fucking. Did I not have ice water in the veins or what? Yeah. Dude, calm. You're fucking Kobe out there. You're a clutch. I'll tell you what.

Remember you and me got pulled over in South Carolina. I was a little too calm. You were. You were going. I was a little too cool for school. You were fucking against the cops. I was laughing at him. I knew it.

That was a young cop. Shut the fuck up. Yeah. Maybe I'm pretty bad too. I might be just as bad as La Mer. I was like, dude, this guy's so cool. We were smoking out of a weed pipe that was like that big. We were talking about the judge.

You guys were placing dogs. Can I see the glass? It was a sick cherry. What's that? What's that called the embryo? Wait, was the pipe charied? It was still charied. Who hit it last?

Did you hold your breath in for 10 seconds? Noice. That fucking cop was so lame. That was a young cop. South Carolina guy. Yeah. You have to. Yes, sir.

Young cops. This guy was like a mid minute. You know, he was like. He was a good daddy. I'll never forget his black cop daddy, dude. I mean, he was doing, he was breaking the fucking law, dude. Yeah. I'm never breaking the law again.

I'm driving 70 on the highway until I die. No weed until smoking your weed at three in the morning. Five in the fucking morning. I like threw, he said that and I was like. Yeah. What the fuck? What did you say? Five in the morning.

Dude say yesterday, man. What were you doing at five in the morning smoking weed? That's a good question. How are you up to? Smoking weed at five. It was probably like 10 a.m. Yeah. Definitely was.

Definitely was. Definitely on the way to your house. Dude, I'll tell you. You didn't. Did you smoke on the way to Matt's? I smoked before I went to Matt's. I smoke at my house. Yeah.

Dude, I'm tell. It was bottom lip puckered out, dude. It's fucking. Can you make the face? Can I see the face? Just tears. Moisture coming out of his eyes. Because I'm like, open your eyes up.

Brighten them up. He can't open his eyes. Dude, look like he had a hook in his mouth. He pulled him out of the water. Dude. He pulled him off the bottom of the ocean. You do look like one of those fish. You look like a deep sea fish.

I think he fully took mercy, bro. Because you gave him full obedience, full subservience. That was me. He fully went. No ticket. He couldn't. It's like 100. Yeah, we got to pay.

All right. But there's no points, no nothing. All right. But I'll just, I'll do the fucking, I'll do the driving from now on, dude. As soon as he got pulled over, I was like, man, I wish I was driving. I'd be able to. It's to be so much easier than I was driving. He grabbed his coat and it was just like, oh my God.

I was like, God damn it, man. Can you imagine if I was in a passenger seat? Cause he came to passenger side and be ruined. You'd have to do all the talking. I wouldn't lean right over you. Yeah. Black cop daddy would have, dude, he would have pulled you right out of there. Yeah.

It was so funny seeing his black cop daddy on the way to here. It was, it was, I was cackling the rest of the way. It was nice. Damn. What a odd couple to pull over too. I was telling him, obviously this is a drug deal. Well, dude, that was the thing I was telling him. I'm like, I'm there.

He was, he, the car's in my wife's name. So I was like, he saw a black guy driving a lady's car. He was probably salivating. Oh yeah. Being like this is, I'm getting some, I'm getting an eight ball of Coke. Something coming from this. Definitely. I'll be off of a traveler like speed or detail.

Run the jewels, dude. Yeah. Whatever. Run the jewels. It threw over an absolute loop because I was like excited to talk to him and like chop it up with him. And he was just like, dude, shut up. The marriage is like, uh, we had no, I had zero paperwork.

I was like, here you go. He's like, this is from last year. And I was like 23. He's like, that was January 23. I was like, you know, COVID. Come on, man. Everything was shut down. Come on.

Thank God for pretty. She, that's, I will say that something about her dude. She'll, I'm like, yo, where's all my paperwork from my car? Text it in two seconds. She goes, where is it? And I'm like, I don't know, man. Fucking. Yeah.

I was laughing. She didn't like that kind of stuff. That's fun though. Yeah. It was so fucking fun. I had her on the phone the whole time. That's worth $150. I'm seeing the mayor's fucking.

Dude, it was worth. Sad face. Every penny. I might go 120 the whole way back. See if you can get a little bit of scared face out of the mayor again. I might hold a gun in the mayor's head and be like, go. Yeah. How do you, how do you fucking, you know, you got to let the mayor go when you see the

mayor making sad face? Dude, I'm telling you, he fully, he had the moment. He could have turned it up. He could have cranked it up to 10 and he went, man, get the fuck out of here. Yeah. Get the fuck out of here. Whatever you two are going. Whatever you two fucking.

We're going to my friend's basement, McKay expert, the record of comedy show. And you're singing karaoke at a coffee shop. I wish this guy could have seen the rest of your day. Imagine if he blocked that fucking moment. What a moment. I should, that's all me for talking fast and loose about karaoke, dude. And the coffee shop. So, all right.

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I fucked around and found out quick. Yeah. I was a gala. Yeah, obviously I'll do karaoke. Yeah, I love karaoke. I didn't know it was right, Danny. Like, oh, good. Right now.

Yeah. Fucking noon at a coffee shop. Sing summer love it, dude. Sing fucking Greece. I was, I haven't died in a duet. That was actually very nice. That was very, very nice. What a good day.

I mean, that's, that's, that's governor's wife getting through. Yeah, dude. With the team. Dude, that's purely good vibes only. The news was there. I was making sure they didn't catch me on camera. Oh my God. They hit me with the B roll being like, this is a coffee shop for guys with disabilities.

Just me looking around with my mom. What mom? I'm standing over here. I am going to wear the shirt. They don't have my size. No, it was a beautiful day. That was so fucking nice, man. Yeah.

I'm very happy about it. It's got to be the first of its class. No, there's, there's more of these. Really? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's the best. It's as good as it gets, dude.

It literally, it's just the, it was, that was my favorite experience I think in a long time. It's got some vacuuming going on upstairs. Yeah, true. Vacuuming the hardware. This is at your parents house, dude. Yeah. But yeah, very nice.

And it's on the mayor. We were sitting in the shop and I'm like, what a day, dude. What a great day to just have the encounter with the law again. I met my heroes. We were talking about, we were talking about different songs to sing at that moment. I mean, mine was kind of, Summer Lovin' was pretty racist. Summer Lovin' was getting a little racy. That was a racy duet.

Yes. I don't know if you noticed, we switched up the guy in the girl part. Sometimes I was singing the girl part. Oh, really? I was singing the guy part. Yeah, of course, bro. It was high level shit. We were looking at each other.

It was like, yeah, it was high level stuff. Yeah. You hear us hit the ad ad? Tell me more. Yeah. I was dying. You were good though. I mean, dude.

You're a good singer, man. I heard you hitting those. That was a new coffee shop. New coffee shop. I didn't want to go, you know, I wasn't going to pour it on really. But that was, that was awesome. Yeah. That was a blast, dude.

I just still can't get over LeMise, bro. LeMise on the motherfucking wheel, dude. Driver man. I just, yeah, I don't know what happened. I folded. I folded real fast, dude. It was kind of endearing, honestly. I was like, once I figured out you weren't going to be any serious harm because I was

going to leave you there to rot. No, I would have taken him away. I would have sprung you. He was what the hell? I could have died. Yeah. My head could have turned into a toaster. You son of a bitch.

You've been high officer. He's high as a kite. Take him away. He blazed a bowl this morning. Smoking doobies all day. Get rid of him to the gallows. Yes. You should have been in the stock.

Meanwhile, I'm on my little thing of mushrooms. Like I'll take it from here. Don't worry, officer. I'll drive from here on out. Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Den, Den, Dan, Den. That was popping in at Merlin's Cavern, dude. He had no clue.

He popped in. It was just he, I think his brain is like, like I can't make anything of this. Nothing's going on. I can't make heads or tails. Usually you pull someone over and it's like, dude, ripping cigs, like ... Yeah. Oh, great, dude. Oh, great, dude.

Fucking great. You know nothing better to do. Full of Connor. Oh, of course. He's like, you fucked up. Great. It was full on up. I was like, cause I was talking to Brady.

He's like, why'd you get pulled over? I was like, oh, we were speeding. The guy's just like ... Going 85 in the 70. Yeah, we ... It is not crazy. No. 85 is about right on time.

We saw him. It was a full brake jam. We jammed the brakes and I looked and it was 87. It was a full brake jam. Double spaz. We were both like digging around the car. Yeah. To be fair, I was looking for my officer's boyfriend.

Nice. But yeah, someone gave me ... It says boyfriend? It says boyfriend. I said, officer's boyfriend, now I'm the husband. I was like, I'd like to get a professional courtesy. If you can't, I obviously totally understand. I know the state trooper and Philly cops, totally different things.

Bro, he just went up right back. He just walked. Then he did say people were giving him fake ones and he was like, I ... He's like, I'm pretty sure yours is legit. I'm like, bro, I mean, I got her on the phone, dude. Yeah. But yeah, he was ... Just hit that badge number quick.

I think so. Yeah. Now, he also, you can tell, dude. You can tell because now I'm so comfortable around police officers. Maybe someone argued a little too comfortable. I'm very comfortable around police officers and I love interacting with them. It's so fun. Because I was telling the mayor, have you been in the back of a cop car?

Yeah. Because they try to chat you up because it's their normal day and you're having the worst day ever. Yeah. So you're always like, dude, don't fuck around, dude. They're like, yeah, I don't know, man. We'll see. You guys think you're tough.

Oh, fucking losers. I know. You do fucking losers, dude. I know. That's what happened to me on St. Patty's Day when I was 21. I was like, what are you guys fucking blowing each other before you came and got me? I'm like, we'll kick your ass. I was like, fucking it.

You guys could never kick my ass. Why does stuff like this always happen to me? I actually, I lodged a large terrorist threat against the Wellington Police Department. I told them I was on a bar. I was like, I'm going to fucking pull this place up. They're like, fuck you. I'm going to fucking pull this place up. I'm like, fuck you.

I'm going to fucking pull this place up. I'm like, fuck you. I'm going to fucking pull this place up. I'm like, this always happened to me. I actually, I lodged a large terrorist threat against the Wellington Police Department. I told them I was on a bar. I was like, I'm going to fucking pull this place up. They're like, fuck you, pussy.

You're not going to shit. I'm like, fuck you. You have no idea who this is for me. Do I have to tell my parents about this? Don't tell my fucking dad. Don't tell my fucking dad. Dude, they called my parents to be over. Oh.

Thank God I was like 20. I think I was 21, actually. So. Please, man. I'm calling the shit out of this house. Yeah, man. Jesus Christ. Take it easy.

Yeah. That was the best. Getting arrested. La Mer's never seen the fucking back part of a cop car, dude. No, I've never been. Have you ever been pulled over? Yeah. But what happened?

Same thing. Yeah. He was. His protocol was nice. Speeding weed everywhere. He fucking moron. Yeah. I don't want to do this.

I don't want to do this. I don't want to do this. I don't want to do this. I don't want to do this. Yeah. I don't want to name names. One of the Philly comics, didn't he fucking like immediately crash and get out of the car?

Oh, wait. I don't know if it's snitching. The motorcycle, right? I think it was leaving Raven. Oh. Hammered. Immediately just crashed along those cars. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, right? Yeah. Yeah. What was that story? He talked about it on his podcast. All right. So it's the Wild Wild West. Yeah.

And Naim was telling me about this. Yeah. He was leaving Raven drunk. He was driving to his house, but he just like turned and immediately crashed into like a Tesla. They were like, dude, you can't drive. He was like, I'm fucking driving. He just slammed into cars, got out, left, left the scene.

Hit everything? Yeah. They all came back. Had to go back in the morning. I think they went to his house to rest. Oh, of course. They'll come get you. Yeah.

God, that sucks. They didn't arrest him because he had deniability. He wasn't there. Oh. So he could have said. Never mind. Yeah. I don't want to.

No, he's already talked about it on other things. Like, yeah. All right. If you crash and run away, I know someone that happened or that happened to or they crashed their car, ditched it on the side of the road. Yeah. We're drunk, ran all the way home. The cops came to get him and their dad was like, he's not here.

And they were like, we know he's here and he's just not. Yeah. And as soon as I tell, that's a Wild West law. As soon as like the sun comes up again, it's like case closed. Yeah. So I had to prove the guy had alcohol on his breath. It's a good move. Like were you drinking last night?

No. Five in the morning. Yeah. Five in the morning. I had some weed at 5 a.m. I was like. I had some weed at 5 a.m. I was dumbfounded.

I was like. You don't tell cops you're up at 5 a.m. They don't like it. You chock out at 5 a.m. Yeah. Time to chock out weed. I'm up. I'm grinding.

I was thinking about starting a YouTube channel that's like a Huberman or a Lex Friedman, but it says guys slowly letting themselves go. Yeah. I stopped even counting calories at all. Oh, dude. I stopped as well. I feel like much better. I just.

Yeah. Slowly. I'm telling you, man, there's got to be the point where like it's got to be nice to stop improving at all. Yeah. And shit still is going well. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. And shit still is going well. What the fuck? Wait, I don't have to care. Yeah. That's got to be a good feeling. I'm getting close to just slowly just letting it go.

I think all you got to do is go on your walks, dude. Yeah. Your walks are, you seem pretty healthy. Yeah. I mean, that does help. I'm saying like. Mental health and the stress of a family is a lot. Mental health has been questionable lately.

Yeah. That's stuck. Usually I've been pretty good control, but every now and again, I'm like. Project Pat, dude. That will help. It'll help. It'll help. I've been, I have been chilling.

I've been very happy. Choice of music has changed. They've turned things around for me. Project Pat. Little Led Zeppelin and then Project Pat. Yeah. Van Halen. Yeah.

VHs. Walking through an airport listening to Van Halen. You're like, nice. Yeah. I'm not depressed. That does help. I'm not worried that I don't really have a social life anymore. Or just entirely my career.

The only time I talk to people is this podcast. It's pretty tight though. So you're like being lauded now. You're basically. I just sit here. The mayor, you should not smoke weed. When your mom makes you, wakes you up in the morning. It is very funny.

You got the very angry. Insha'Allah. My father knocks too hard on my bedroom door. It makes you want to do something. It makes me want to do something bad. It makes me want to do something real bad. Like a flyjack plane and fly it straight into a fucking building. Dude, you got to be so pissed to do that.

Oh, I mean, fear. You got to be so mad. You got to talk other dudes into it and be like, nah, dude, this is going to be the best thing that ever happened to me. So tight. Dude, you are going to, it's going to be crazy. Yeah. That's why most of the suicide bombers are like 12.

Oh my God. It's just crazy. I mean, it is the best. They're like recruitment protocols be like, oh, what are you a fucking girl? Yeah. You want to drive a thing in there? Get in there. We'll see.

They were telling them for a while, it blasted outwards. What? They're telling kids that the suicide vest blows outwards. It doesn't hurt. God. Whoever's wearing it's fine. It explodes out. What?

Yeah. And it worked? I mean, the guys, yeah, it worked out. That's a sick thing to think. Like I'm going to explode my immediate environment and there's going to be like a wall between me and the explosion. I see how that could trick you. It's 12.

It will be like, well, the bomb is going to go out. It's like a claymore. I didn't know they were doing that. Yeah. Really dastardly stuff. Yeah. I mean, tricking kids into suicide. When did you get that split second in consciousness while your head's like flying through?

I guess your head will just evaporate. It's not like your arms. Yeah. If you, if you're wearing a suicide vest, there's no time to be like, fuck those guys lied. Yeah. Yeah. True.

You'd be going instant. You wouldn't be having one second where you're just flying through the air. I did it. Everybody at this different denomination mosque is going to be fucking dead because of me. There's a slightly different religion than mine. That'd be funny to be like, and then I floated above my butt. But like, no, you literally were floating on the body. Your head was above your body.

Oh man. Yeah. That sucks. They got those little, that's why I think they really lost it when they got the kids blowing up themselves. Suicide bombing. Yeah. That's truly heinous.

Yeah. Bombing. I mean, they make Pablo Escobar look cool. Kind of for bombing. I didn't see the whole show, but Narcos, he's bombing a lot of stuff. Yeah. And it's kind of like, you know, he's still kind of the man in the way. Yeah.

But he didn't have any, if he had like kids doing it, that'd be, you know, I think a lot, I think Colombians have a split opinion of that guy. A bombing? Of Pablo Escobar. Yeah. It makes sense. I'm talking about it. A lot of them are like, the guy was, oh, you said, wait, what'd you say?

No, that makes sense. I'm saying, I'm just going off the show on Netflix. I'm like, he looks cool. Yeah. It was cool as hell in that show. Dude, you've talked about his gear. His gear is so fucking good. It's tight.

It's the most alpha gear possible, dude. It's crazy. But yeah. So what you're saying, Columbia's got like, he was kind of the man, not the man kind of thing. Yeah. Because he killed so many people. Like the country, not a half, but like a lot of the country was affected very negatively.

Fuck this guy. Yeah. I've heard people say like, if somebody says they're from Columbia, I've heard someone be like, oh, dude, Pablo Escobar is awesome. And they're like, no. He's terrible. He's like the worst thing that's ever happened. Yeah.

That'd be like if you were in Morocco and they were like, yo, Waco, you'd be like, well, I'd be like, yeah, fuck. Yeah. Wait, where? Wake up. I don't know. No, Morocco. Someone from Morocco was like, oh, America.

Oh, yes. Waco, right? Yeah. Waco was sick. Actually, Waco. Again, that's how they crush the man. That's what I'm saying. Yeah.

He did. Yeah. I was like, even when I sent you my ancestry.com, it was like, I was talking about like, yeah, I got like viking blood in me, but obviously, definitely, you know, the way that happened, time does heal everything. True. I hear I am like, fuck. Yeah, dude.

Oh, nice. I'm 2% rapist. 2% sailing rapist. Fuck. That's why I'm never satisfied. You don't get that viking blood in me. You have viking rapist blood in you. Lamar, you should do a 23 in me.

It's just going to say black. No, they break it up. It's going to say where though, like from different parts of the motherland. Dude, I think I'm Egyptian. I think I'm an actual king, dude. I promise you, you're not Egyptian. You're definitely not from North Africa. No.

Do it to come in. No. Yeah, you get like, you'll get a thing. It'll be like Nigerian sub-Saharan. They break it all up. And then you'd be surprised. You know, you might find some, you might find some boat rapists in you as well. Yeah.

There's a lot of boat rapists. Boat rapists made their way down to Africa as well. Yeah. We got Brady's back. Brady's was. Boat rapists. A little bit. No, it was just English and Irish.

Yeah. I mean, cool guys. Those are boat rapists. English more so, yeah. Yeah. A lot of boat rapists throughout history. Yeah. It's true.

It's fucking. Yeah. So she had a decent, you know, she had a little Native American too. That's pretty cool. That's exciting. Two percent. That's exciting. Two percent.

That might be enough, dude. I think you need like 25 to not, which is fucked up. No. If you have any, if you have any of the same amount. You have a decent amount. I thought it was 25%. You can not do tax. What's wrong with the music?

My mic out. Oh no, your mic. I just thought it was here. So we're good. Okay. Here in the, yeah. Look at you, dude. You're on the ball today.

Normally you're. He's on edge, bro. He's fucking snacks. What's that snack there? That's not yours. Is it? No, that's my left hand. You've been considering rummaging through that?

How long have you been considering? It's loud, dude. It's loud, dude. How close have you been to sticking that ball? I mean, dude, he was on the edge of life and death today. He was on the edge today. I saw it all flash. How scared were you for real?

I saw all the different video games flashed. I think you can play videos in when you're locked up. Oh, really? You might be able to get that in there. You can get the TVs for sure. Yeah. You probably would be able to actually. I was pretty scared.

I didn't. I wasn't scared until he was like, were you smoking weed? And I was like, oh, man. Yeah. I didn't think about that part. I didn't think you were going to ask, but I have to say yes. She'd be like, um, are you a cop? You have to answer that question.

You know, you have to before I tell you. Yes, I'm high. I'm high as shit, dude. Oh my God. Are you a cop? I'm getting pulled over. Am I being detained? I know my rights.

His life hung in the bounds, dude. We've been no more King of Philly, dude. No, man. King of Philly would have been locked up. The streets would have been chaos. The king with the kingpin gone. Open mic would be directionless. Raven would be.

It'd be a power vacuum. Huge power. A powerless vacuum. The throne of biggest dumbass would be vacated. Thousands of dumbasses would try to do it. It'd be like the Mongols, dude. When emperor Khan fell, a bunch of alcoholics punching each other. You are the great con.

Are you the con of the open mics? Who's the con? Who's currently the con if you're not? No, I don't, I don't, I don't even go really. That's con behavior. Who's currently the con? What do you mean? Who's like ruling open mics?

Dude, I don't know. You don't know who's the ruler? No, I want to know. Jay Simpson. Jay Simpson is the ruler. Yeah. Wow. He's a new KOP.

Yeah. Nice. Sick. You heard it here first. I love to hear it. I love to hear who the new KOP is. Yeah, yeah. Dude, those are some tight.

Thank you, man. Thank you. I didn't knew. Yeah. I had to get my, I burned through these shoes and they started to hurt my heels. Dude, the KOP see both of your shoes. That would have been a major red flag. I don't think so.

Those moonwalkers. Dude, what happens now, my new shoe policy is so I go to this one place to get my shoes and they, they're always, there's like the shoe, the model there. And I go, yeah, I'll have that one. They go, well, I don't think we have that color anymore. I go just bring me any color. So whatever color they bring me, I go bingo. Got it.

Man, let's leave. So that's pretty cool. I did that. My, I bought these white Air Force ones that I went on stage, but they're like cloth material. It's not like shoe. Like canvas. Like a trailer. Yeah.

Like they get, they're covered in food. And they're covered. Like, dude, I got home in Texas and there was a bag of meat on the table with my Airbnb from barbecue. And I was like, oh, nice. Dippin' in barbecue. Just dropped cheese and shit on my shoes. And I had to wear them the next night.

So then I was like, I need to, I know there's a Nike store down the street. You got to buy new shoes. I'm something's wrong, dude. I did the same thing. You couldn't do it. I just drove around it and then went straight home. You might be the aviator, dude. Something's wrong.

I'm fucked up, dude. If I go to a mall, I walk, I walk in. I go, let's get the fuck out of here. That's, yeah, I see what you're saying. This one, I didn't even get out of the car. It's the urges to go in and the urge to get out immediately. Yeah. Split personality.

There's two wolves. You need a man. You need a moon. You have two. One guy who wants shoes. Get out of here. Go home. Go home.

You got to go home. It might be your mom and dad. I don't, I don't know what it is, but I got in my car. Nice. I'll go do this. Yeah. That's the one thing I'm going to do today. Yeah.

Go get you drove, drove past it, looked at it and was like, no. They're not even going to have my shoes. Dude, I was going for five minutes. It's fucking crazy. That's a tough one to go home and hang the keys up from that. It really is. So what, what's, what's the, there's just a feeling like a no feeling or is there like an actual, I don't understand it.

I have nothing I can say. I don't know what it is. It's a complete urge. It's like, I'm, I was watching no sitting there and just watching and like basketball. Yeah. I was like, fuck, these shoes are disgusting. I'll just go, I'll go get some new ones. Yeah.

Got up, got the keys, drove past it, parked and went, sat back down and watched basketball. It's funny. I should do that with prostitutes. No, you know what? I'm, that's not a good thing to do. I'm not right now. Yeah. So you sit down and you're like, good.

True. You go, you know what? That was nice. I didn't do that. This was, I sat there and go, whoa, that's something. That's bad. That's bad. Last minute on a prostitute.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I can't do it right now. It's going to ready your blood pumping though. Just call a prostitute. Nick, I'll be right there. Ooh.

Nevermind. Voice, mouth, voice, mouth, sorry. You'll be contact block on. Jesus Christ almighty. I'm actually a cop. Get the fuck out of there you bitch. Have you been smoking weed? You've changed your life.

You're under arrest. I take it back. Call me tomorrow. This was a sting. Oh man. It's good to be home though. I'm happy to be here. How nice is it man?

You can breathe. I can't breathe. I'm fucked up. What? You got allergies. You got allergies. Yeah. Dried my fucking throat out.

No homo. Yeah, true. Talking throat with guys. That's straight though. They have a straight, they have a dry throat. Your throat, if you're like, dude, my throat's clogged. Dude. What?

Clogged. So warm and wet. So slimy. Oh, if you stuck it in there. My throat's a breeding ground. I don't know what's wrong. Yeah. It's probably five days of alcohol and screaming.

Yeah. And then my allergies. Then the pollen gets terrible down there. Yeah. Yeah. That sucks. I could have sworn it was live oak down there. I was so excited.

They call it Cedar. It's called Cedar fever. Yeah. Yeah. I didn't think about the seat. It was. I mean, it still is still got me up. You probably still have pollen in your whole nose.

Yeah. I got long nose hairs right now too. They're good. You're thank. You're probably happy for those. They're blocking. Yeah. I shaved mine the other day and I said, I'll be sorry to see you boys go.

You boys, you guys are doing double time. They're fucking hanging out. I was spying on full, like hanging out of my nose. I think I still got some. Yeah. Fully coming out. That's a no. That's like, dude, that crushes me.

And I go, I really have to shave my fucking nose. Yeah. Because they just not grow outside of my nose. That'd be great. Yeah. But. Oh, dude, I think you'll enjoy this. I was in.

So I was in a. Connecticut. It's just not my favorite state. I'll be honest. One of the worst. Yeah. I was not. I think it's the worst.

Yeah. That was probably the worst. That was my big line towards the Connecticut people. I was like, you guys are truly, you guys are like lumberjacks. I got tricked into being Democrats. I'm like, you're a confused people. It's a wild state. It's fucking trash.

Like it's like white trash, dude. I don't know why. Like I always thought it was like a, you know, New England. Like, oh, hello. Not at all. That was all vampire weekend. Yeah. No, dude, it's like.

Weird. Rhode Island's vampire weekend. Yeah. Up there. Yeah. Next time I'm speed. Well, obviously drive speed limit, but I'm going right through Connecticut. Rhode Island.

Rhode Island's. Wops though, too. I battled. Wops dude. Yeah. I was battling. There's so many walk-ins. The bridgeport.

Which I'm going to call it. Stress factory. I was going to say comedy zone. Stress factory, dude. It was just, I was battling people constantly. It was fun. It was fun. A lady threw up in the front row.

Oh, I was at the bridge. And she ran straight into that back wall. Yeah. Where the fuck was she trying to go Hogwarts? I think someone threw up discreetly at one of my shows as well. Yeah. I didn't know. It was the girl in the front row and she was just going.

I was the only one who could see her throwing up. She's dead center front row. And I was like, yo, she's throwing up red wine into her shirt. Oh, that was the one her boyfriend took. She was like passing out. Then I was like, he got her to go. That's when she ran into the wall. I hit her with the Hogwarts.

One of the better ones. Unbelievable. One of the better ones. Wait, were you there for fucking the opera? Might be my best joke. There was a guy in one of the balconies at the theater and he was in the balcony. And I was like, yeah. Was that the opera?

I was like, oh, it's John Wilkes Booth was here to fucking take care of you. You piece of shit. This is a theater. Yeah. In a theater. Where was this? Texas. Oh my God.

That was, yeah. Because Naeem was with me. That's bringing the house down. Yeah. That's unbelievable. I was like, I just wanted to know that was definitely the best joke I've ever told. Wow. The opera and he was opening a booth.

He had to like look down at me. But no, that was the one where the guy, she was passing out. He took her outside. And then they came back in and I was like, I couldn't believe they were coming back in. I was like, would you guys do coke? He was like, no, I just smoked a blunt. I was like, if I smoked a blunt while I was blacked out, I'd be sick. Within a minute.

She was like, oh, yes. Yes. Dibbled. Oh, hell yeah. He was such a camera hog. Yes, dude. Dibble. It was, it was, I was doing battle.

Yes, come to me. Yes, dude. Show them, show them. Show them our connection, dude. Get up. Oh, he wants more of that, dude. He wants more of that. That's a good cat.

That is man. Come on. He wants to chill. I'm like, what's you guys doing? Dude. Well, that's exciting. That's awesome. There's nothing better than an animal walk out.

Disgusting ass. He's got two asses. He has, I think he has two. No, that's shit. No. That's shit. The neck's out of his ass. But dude, we did, we did, so that was good.

I was up there, bodily was fun. And then just, just doing battle. But the day we kept going to Yale's campus in New Haven. Nice. Did you ever been there? No. It's beautiful, dude. The football stadium's iconic.

Is it really? I didn't see the football stadium. We were walking around and we were, it was, they were on spring break. So everything's like gated there too. Like you can't get into that. Usually like a Drexler pen, you can get into one of the buildings. Yeah. Dude, this was like, everything was gated the whole weekend.

It was two days. We were walking around and I'm like, dude, I'm, we're getting into one of these buildings. So we fucking, at one point I see the fucking table. Don't. Get off the camera. Dude, you can't help it. So we walk up. There's a building.

I see people coming in and out. I'm like, I'm going to catch a door. It's shut. You're going to get into a university. Yeah. Yeah. There's procedures as well. What are you doing in there?

I want to get in. I've solved some problems on the mat, on the board. No. That is true. I love get, it's like, it's a complete, it's like the, it's a very nice rush with like no risk to like just being a building house. But like, you can't get in trouble really. Even though I didn't know these days.

Maybe, yeah, maybe so. True door. I could lock it down. True. But I got it. I want it in, dude. I want it in. I love like metal gear soliding and sneaking around a place and what I'm supposed to be

in. So dude, I go in, I get us in the building. Well, I get into the building. I call it Buddley and I'm like, bro, I'm in. Cause I was walking up, dude. I'd walk into buildings and there would just be a guy in a security desk and I'd be like, how you doing, man? Like walk right out.

So I was like fucking, I'm like, no security desk. I'm like, I made the left. I'm like, yo, get in here. We're good. So we walk in. And there was like, there's a table and it said like swimming meet this way. And I'm like, oh, it'll be a Yale swimming team. Hopefully they're going against Penn.

I thought it was going to be like the college. Catch the lady. Bro, true. Well, if it had to be girl swimming, this was, it just said swimming meet. I'm like, dude, let's get up, see what's in here. So we went in. It was like Yale's pool. So it was like an old historic building, like balcony style.

It was crazy. We get in though, dude. It was Connecticut boys state champion. Nice. Dude, we walk in and it was no, no life. Just packs of like 14 little boys and speedos just ripped through. So we're like, dude, we're going, we're going in. So we got, I even got a t-shirt from there.

We went in. I got a tee. I obviously paid student rates. I paid five bucks. So I go instead of 10 bucks a big five. So we go in and it was just so fucking funny to be walking through these hallways packed with that. And you just have like, it was just naked boys everywhere.

So we go up. How did their penises look for real? I didn't look at, I did not look at DONG. I'm telling you, I, once I got up to, once I got up to the bleachers and I would say if I started scoping out a little bit, but I honestly, I was like, these kids were just shredding these things. And I was like, dude, I'd be fucking like adjusting myself. I mean, I do it now.

I did in these pants. I was, they were just strutting around. I'm like, dude, this has to give you the most insane confidence. I'm just, dude, it's, it's nothing but like ultra shredded young Adonis. Shredded boys. Adonises, dude. And I'm like, the moms here, this is like a, such a charge. If I was a swimming dad, you would get like a little bit gay.

Towards the end. Watching the boys in the water. It's like, dude, it changes your whole biochemistry. Yeah. Listening, glistening boys. I'm not into that stuff, but I'm saying it's just like, just something like a biological level. Just on a biological level, you're around like jacked, beautiful children and speedos.

I'm like, this is not okay. This is Greece. And they just, yeah, dude. And they just walked around. You're a philosopher. Dude, I literally was sitting up on that balcony. I go, I could see how that went down. Oh yeah.

If you're in the woods and these kids, you know, these kids are getting like 1200 calories a day. That's what they're going to start looking like. Everyone's laughing at fucking Play-Doh and Socrates. Like your pedophile is like, bro, you've never seen these boys. You weren't there, dude. I saw the boys. Yeah.

Before I was, the boys I'm looking at were truly the shadows on the cave. Yeah. I came out of the cave and wanted to, these boys are fucking hot as hell, dude. Steve Williamson's a comic. He is out. Nevermind. Nevermind. What?

It's all of us. It's about to indict myself. Looking at boys. No, I saw a picture. His kids play water bowl and he posted like a team picture and I was scrolling through. I was like, what the fuck is this? Bro, it's a bunch of jacked boys. Dude.

And like, I was looking at these swim moms being like, get rid of that part. He's going to be like, dude, don't look at my fucking kids Instagram. He knows though, dude. Yeah. Yeah. I was looking at these swim moms being like, get rid of that part. He's going to be like, dude, don't look at my fucking kids Instagram. He knows though, dude.

You walk in there and it's like, you're on 10 sections. Like again, like, you know, obviously you're not sitting there like, like, oh my God. But there's like, she broke into a swimming. You have an exclamation point. You broke into a swimming. I was like, how did you guys not know about this? Yeah. So we're in the top level, bro.

Birds. I literal birds. I've just at the top and we just watched the warm up. And I'm like, all right, let's get out of here. Something's happening. But dude, that was a being and being like, we're finally in. We walked in like, what could this be? What could be back here?

Just naked boys. Yeah. God damn it. But it was honestly some of the, it was a funny game moment this week. So the Airbnb I was at the hot tub was destroyed. I was like, before show me in O'Connor with air, I was like, dude, let's get in the hot tub. We opened the thing.

It was like a thick layer of mold. I've never seen anything like it. The whole hot tub was just filled with mold. What the hell? I told the owners they sent over to Mexican dudes to fix it. So while they were fixing it, me and Adam Egett were watching Goodwill Hunting. Nice. And it was the scene.

You ever see Goodwill Hunting? The part where they're hugging and crying. So these two Mexican dudes, it's like the most, it's the part where Robin Williams finally breaks through with them. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. And they start like hugging and sobbing. But like these two Mexican dudes are walking through the house.

Me and Adam are just sitting on a couch watching two guys hugging and crying. And I was like, God damn it, the lads. The lads are going to think we're gay, dude. Could you fix our hot tub? They come in with guys that scream crying and hugging. Your hot tub is good now. It should be good. They were probably like, what did we do?

It was too fucking... They were probably holding the rosaries on the way home, praying for us. We just... Yeah, they're going to have gay sex in there. They set the scene. We're just fucking... Dude, you would have popped out of the water. What was that movie, Wild Things?

Oh yeah. Who was it? Not Demi Moore, but there was like a babe. I would have walked out like that. Thumbs out of the water. Out of the mold. Swamp thing. Just covered.

But yeah, that was a good time, dude. I had a good time there. The stand-up was truly very fun. Yeah. I honestly enjoy too now where it's like... Again, this was a lot of walk-ins and there was this fucking... I don't know if you're like... Not Mexican lady, Hispanic lady.

I couldn't really specifically nail her down, but she was... Everything I'd say, I was talking about divorce and she'd be like... Well, 60% of the country is divorced. And it was just not... But dude, she was such an old, sweet lady that it was making me... I was laughing the entire time. Dude. And everything she said would be...

I would... Everything she said, I would say something or one of us would say something that was funny and people were laughing. I was like, dude, you are the best. Because it was... And this guy was just like next to his wife, couldn't stop her. But she wasn't being mean. She would just be like, yeah, well, you know what they say about that.

It was unreal. Is that a fresh turn right there? Yeah. God, a fresh turn. Dude, you blessed the cast. Thank you, Timble. Timble, did you bless the cast again? Thank you, Timble.

Did you bless the cast again? That's a good cat, dude. I think it was built like a fucking raccoon. Dude, he really is. Come get your reward for blessing the cast. Disgusting fur. Oh my God. He's a dandruff dude, don't...

Timble, don't get rid of your dandruff. God damn it, Timble. What a good boy, dude. How confused do you think that cat is as to like what's going on and like what it's up to? His... His... My parents hate him. Yeah.

With a passion, dude. That's gotta be kind of nice for him. He does nothing and he's pretty fucking gross. That's gotta be nice for him, though, to like, you know, it probably mimics the jungle. Just like nothing but just hatred and animal frustration. I had a cool week. Did Rogan's Club all week. It was pretty fucking cool.

Dude, that was probably awesome. And then Wednesday, I was the first person to stand up on the... He has two rooms. So I got to go first and it was just me and Dave Chappelle. Which room? The small room. Dude, how was that one? Fucking awesome.

Fuck. That room is... It's like, what, 150 people? Yeah, it's small. What'd you guys each do? I did like 20 and then brought him on and he did his thing. He didn't go that long. He only did like an hour.

It was fucking wonderful. God damn it. But I didn't do that good. What do you mean? I had to go cold open and go first. And I wasn't loose because everybody was in there watching. Including fucking Dave Chappelle. Rogan introduced me and Dave Chappelle was in there.

It was... Dude, I had fucking... It was a scary one. I'd jump off the stage. Yeah. Yeah, I was up there. I was like, this isn't going as well as he usually does. I better do Trump.

Oh fuck. Yeah. It was pretty neat. Paulie Shore. How's he doing? He fucking murdered. It was hilarious, dude. I had to follow him and he murdered.

I was like, God damn. I didn't think he was going to do that. He crushes. Yeah. I didn't mean it like that. I just meant... I know what you mean. Because I never met him before and he's very quiet.

He just sat in the green room very quiet. You're like, damn, this guy... Well, those dudes could go either way so hard and it's almost like a non-issue. You're like, yeah, they can just kind of... He murdered. He was hitting. He's like, the wheeze. He's like doing all that shit and just killing.

I was like, fuck. God damn. I'm next. Yeah, that's so scary. Yeah. But... It worked out. Made a great time.

That's fucking awesome. What a great audience. So when you're... I'm always interested in this. So when you're in the midst of that and you have like that while you're doing stand-up, your voice being like, you're fucking right. I wasn't... How strong was the voice?

Fully just the voice the entire time. Just the voice the entire time. No. I was not into my set. I wasn't thinking about it at all. I was only... Yeah. Yeah, the voice spoke to me a couple...

I had a lot of fun doing a lot of them, but a couple of times the voice reared its head like, you're all out of order here. What the hell is going on? You don't know anything. You're just... There's not even that many people here. Tybalt's on your ass, dude. He is.

He's staring at you. I mean, La Mer's... He's showing you his turd. Kind of dressed like Tybalt. You're gonna fuck me or what, dude? I'm showing you his turd. Dude, he's not gay. Tybalt's a lot of things.

He's not gay, dude. He's straight. Yeah, the voice... I can get a point where the voice... I get a total slowdown where it goes like, the voice will be like, it's over, dude. You're gonna fucking lose it in front of all these people and break down. You'll never come back and I'll be like, yes, anyway, yeah, my dad's a pretty cool guy. Fucking shit.

Oh, God. Yep, the voice was 100% of the set. It was the whole set. You checked out. It's like, now you're doing Trumps, you fucking hack. Chappelle's not gonna like it. It was good, though. How long does it take for the voice to burn off?

Right when he got on, he was like, she ain't gay. Motherfucker's so funny they had to cancel him preemptively. I was like, yes. Thank you. Thank you. I love you so much. You're in the room like, you see? Shut up, dude.

You don't know anything. Yeah. Leave me alone. You're not the boss of me anymore. I love the thing about the voices hitting dudes the door of the day, too. It comes for you, dude. It comes for us all. It's my life quest is to conquer the voice, dude.

I cannot for the life of me figure out how to do it. I'm getting better at death, dude. I think so. Some people become the voice. I know, man. Sometimes the voice takes over and you just sit there and you're like, he sucks. I'm the best. Fucking stupid asshole.

No one understands me. Yeah. Yeah, it's truly the worst. I've been doing very good at just like, because I told you I'd bug myself out all the time. I'd be like, I'm gonna forget all my stuff. I don't do this enough. I don't do this anymore. Oh, you can't do this.

This is a bad thing. And lately I've just been waiting and like, it's time to go on now. And I show up and go, oh, I still, I still get that thing though where it's like, fuck right before you go on stage. You're like, fuck, how do I do this? Why do I do this, dude? So I crazy fucking dumb job. I used to have that all day leading up to it.

Now I'm getting good at like, like this is what it is. But do when they call my name, I get completely just a bug. I might as well be six feet behind myself. So then I'm like, people smiling and clapping. Hey, guys, like, hey, man, you project confidence. And I'm like, yeah, I walk up and I'm like, all right, dude, I'm literally six feet behind myself until I get rolling. Then I get back in my body.

I leave my body. Yeah. It reminds me when I, when I did it, my first, uh, I did do like a presentation in college where I had to write my name on the board. Dude, I could hear myself talk and I was writing my name on my board and I was completely dissociated. And I was like, that's my name. I'm me. Who's thinking and talking in my head.

And I was like, oh, that is me in my name. I'm going to pass out. It was like a business. Dude, I did a, I had a business class. I had a presentation. I sweated so hard. I went to the bathroom and threw my shirt out at the end of it. I stopped my shirt in a bathroom trash can and went home.

I couldn't talk. I had to do a public speaking thing. And I was doing stand up already. I was like, I can talk publicly. That's what I thought, man. Bro, armpit was, it was fucking nuts. And I didn't, I sucked at school. I was so stupid.

It was like, if you look at the charts I provided, I was trying to get a fucking PowerPoint going. Just like, the worst is like, I'll see that on the PowerPoint. I'll just go into a whole thing. 01:06:01,900 --> 01:06:02,900 So that's that. That's a market, market cap. Next slide.

Not that one. Go back. Fuck. There is no other one. Your soul just falls out of your ass. You're like, fucking crazy. Dude, I did a, it's your laptop. You're like, please God, please God.

Don't have what I was just jerking off to, which is definitely on that fucking screen. It kicked out of school. You had the Honor Biden laptop. We all have the laptop from hell. Everyone has a laptop from hell in college too. Some guys. It's funny the real laptop from hell is dudes with CP just fucking, fuck. Dude, it's got to be crazy though when you're like, oh, the internet.

It's just like floating it out of space. It's all stored on like a hard drive somewhere in Nevada. And you're like, I should have taken an IT class before I pigged out online. Yeah. All right. Yeah, I think we're, yeah. Let's switch over to the Patreon guys. If you want, if you liked what you just heard,

Oh man, get over there. We're going to, we're going to keep going on the Patreon. Yeah. I got it. I actually have a decent book. That's why I was reading about Herbert. What was the guy's name again? What did I say?

The aviator. What's his name? I keep calling him Herbert Humphrey. I don't know. I looked up. I was trying to search it. Yeah. And how like the people who like the people who first came into the electronic media

and had to deal with their like two-dimensional avatars, like just melted them all down. Yeah. Dude, the book stick is fucking. Reading the comments. Yes. The original reading the comments. The very first comments.

Fucks you up. How they try to escape the persona they created. Somebody trashed Phil on a comment we were talking about today. What the fuck? Yeah. It was pretty funny. I was reading them to him. Did he get him?

Because people were killing him. And then they were like, someone was like, why does Phil have such fucking tragically small feet? And he has tiny feet, dude. Phil has little tiny feet. He wears like size 10s. He's 6'2". So I forget they were killing him, dude.

He looks like he's got Freddy Krueger's skin. He was like dark red and freckled. Why'd you show him this? Because it was so funny. Because I was like, Phil, the comments are getting you. He's like, I don't care what those guys say. I was like, here's one. I would read it.

He'd be like, he was like, what? He started laughing. He just got him right away. Yeah, everyone, dude. I love it. My favorite is when, like when our friends start to get comments. And they're like, the same dudes who are always like, I don't read the comments.

I never would. I'm like, you don't have comments. When you do have comments, you're going to read them. Oh, yeah. The boys will turn. Yeah, they're going to. They're nasty boys. Even if like 10 of them defect, that's enough.

It's enough to hurt. To take you down. It's enough to really hurt. All right. Let's switch over to the Patreon. Please stop commenting. All right.