Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 436 - Ample Men (feat. Sam Tallent)

Episode Date: March 29, 2023

Support the D.A.W.G.Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod Support Samuel @ samtallent.com & listen to the Chubby Behemoth podcast Go See Matt Live @ mattmccusker.com/dates Go See Shane Live @ shanemgillis.com YO. We're back. LIVE from the Big Kahuna's crib. The D.A.W.G.Z. are blessed by dear friend Samuel Tallent this week. Go see him on the road and read his novel. God Bless. Please Enjoy. Get 20% off your first order of Liquid Death @ liquiddeath.com/drenched Get 25% OFF @ trueclassic with Promo Code DRENCHED at https://trueclassictees.com/DRENCHED #trueclassicpod Support the show by going to https://www.HamiltonDevices.com and use code DRENCHED15 for 15% off  

He's like, I know last time that we hung out. I was just the producer now, but now I'm cool. I was the producer. Now I'm the produced. Yeah. Yes. He's got a riff. I was a great clip to start out on, man. What riff? Yeah, that was great. It's very fun. I got to watch it every day to be like, whenever I'm worried about anything, like, wait, this guy, that guy exists.

I need to tap into that. It's the best. But Sam, you were saying because that's something I'd like to go back to. Yeah. What did Sean tell you? Sean said, hey, I want to let you know I'm cool now. Why'd you say that? Or was it a voice to text message? I didn't say I was busting my chops.

I would never lie for. Mary, how's the producer shot? The child looks good. You have to do that up now. That's a great idea. I never said that. You got to run ideas like this by me, too. No, no, this is your world, dude. No way, dude.

I forgot I had the camera to sit in my house. I forgot all about it in my basement. It's a great idea. Yeah, producer shot, dude, prod shot. I want the man to do found footage, holding it as close to Sean as you. Getting tight zoom on him. Yeah, I'd like to see more of the Marin Sean, the Blair bitch project. The Marin Sean are two handsome, nice boys.

They are handsome, man. I like to look at them. Both of them are sweet guys. They're specimens, man. They are. They're from different ends. It's unbelievable. They're both the same species. Yeah, aliens would be pissed. You're like, we're never going to figure this out. No, Sean did nothing but invite me to come to a show.

He was very sweet to me. Damn, he big time. You said I can get you tickets to my show. Yeah, he's like, I put you on the guest list. I can't get you in. Yeah, no green room access, but I got you. You just stay in the room preventing you from getting like, dude, come on, dude. Yeah, he put his hands on me.

You were just showing us on tour all week. Oh, you're doing like arenas. The wheels on the bus, dude. I was just doing theaters. Just theaters. You're listening to a man like, wow, it's going to his head. Damn. It's super.

A little. It was so much fun. What's your preferred prior technique? What was in the T-shirt cannon, Sean? No T-shirt cannon. Wow, wow. You can edit that part. You don't need to.

You don't need to take that. It's all good, dude. We're just. It's a warm up, dude. So we're warming up. Honestly, it's for the best before it'd be like, we'd be La Mer and Sean inflating us, dude. If this were ancient Greece, we'd be getting inflated by these guys.

Yeah. So you could you could give them the knowledge they needed to engage with with holding like, yeah, like stuff about cubes from them. And then they flayed us and they're like, all right, here's a deal of fucking cubes. Yeah, it's like, here's a little too. Like, what the fuck's this? Like, it's just like a double multiplier. If it's a triangle, it's just as long to this side as it is to that side.

I want to teach you about the world of ideal head. I can't believe I didn't flay any of my geometry teachers. It's kind of fucked up. That's why you don't contain it. Well, I was actually pretty decent, but yeah, I would have remembered more. You were good at geometry. I was nasty. I don't know how, dude.

What? Pyro squared. Terrible at fucking algebra. And I took geometry fucked off as well. And I'd be like doing the proof. So like, well, it's that. Like, how do you know? I don't know.

I don't remember one thing hopeless. Dude, those proofs, I somehow could be like, bam, and spit them out for like a B average. It was just there, dude. I know what a parallelogram is, but that's about it. What's a parallelogram? It's a it's like a rectangular square. It's where the two sides are exactly parallel. That's all I remember.

I did like to think about the parallel lines going on forever. That was the one thing in geometry class. And I was like, fuck, yeah, dude, line segments. They'll never touch. Yeah, never, dude. It's kind of sad forever. They want to touch, dude. That's all they want.

They're so close. unrequited lines. Yeah, just run in parallel. Makes me think about parallel universes. We should just go full. You know the fact that parallelogram may be about parallel universe. Move a hundred. I'm going to school in 1991.

It was cracked by these doctors. You can just talk and ride. I'm like an AM radio. It's a stream of constant nonsense. You know, just going forever. You're just going to start talking in sound effects. You pulled my hood up on me, dude. I'm sorry.

Guys, this is the great powerful Sam Talon. Hey, everyone. I'm so concerned at whatever angle I sit on this couch. People are going to call me a wad and a pamphlet. Bro, there's no way to sit on this couch. That's why I've gone full mummy. I'm just bobsled this entire time. Because if I sit forward, they're going to be like,

God damn, we got you. Look at the folds on that sweatshirt. If we got you on a luge, dude, you'd be quiet. You'd ramp first. Your first turn here in the orbit, dude. Must be so cool to be big and strong like you guys, dude. I'm such a twerp. I'm such a twerp.

Dude, I was asking Sam about whether it was a hocus. He was like, they're perfect for the ample man. Yeah, they are, dude. Call us ample men. I might be stealing ample valor. Definitely. You don't need those, bro. I need these, dude.

No, you don't. I want feet. I come from ample men, dude. I'm just a midget. Hocus brand themselves is like for ultra marathon runners, but it's just dudes who punish CCs. Just big ample men walking. Yeah, executive cut, says the tailor at my wedding called me.

Dude, I want to. Really? The executive cut. Yeah, he's like, we're going to need an executive cut for you and your groomsmen. I was like, whatever that means, yes. Yeah, I like when they do that for big guys. Yeah, when they have no muclature.

Presidential size. Yeah. You're like, I'm going to need to do a big royal. We were on the tight suit. Yes. That's awesome. They said it. Get a big bathtub for you.

I got, I took a bath this weekend. How was it? Fucking insane. It's great. It's a treat for guys like us. It's so great. Did you do a tub big enough for me? During the show.

They dropped it from the ceiling. After I would have drowned, died. Puked in the tub. I do them after stand up to calm. It'll like get me ready for sleep. I got to start bringing them. He gave me some salts. I got some salts.

I was feeling ill once and you sent me some salts. Dude, they're nice. Oh yeah, I did. I forgot about that. Be a carrier pigeon. Dude, I opened the closet yesterday when I saw them and I thought, man, that was very nice and matte. Were they lavender?

Yeah. Good. I did use salts in my bath. Dude, aromatherapy with salts. It's such a relief. Very nice. Water's hot as you. Although I did piss pretty quickly.

In the tub? In the tub? Yeah. Did you at least arc up and shoot it in the air? Did you piss? No, I laid and looked at my penis while I was pissing. Oh, you saw the river? You saw the carry?

Yeah, I saw the stream come up. Dude, you got to go down Periscope. Then I laid in my own piss and then I blew my nose once because I thought I was in the shower. And there's just boogers and piss. I took an unreal monster's bath. The glamorous life of Shane Taylor. Disgusting bath.

I had a shower after the bath. Yeah. That's actually probably good for you, though. They say drinking your piss is good for you. I've never heard anyone debunk that. A little bit of piss. I heard it's good for you. How deep of a dive have you done on that, though?

Not very. Not very. Bear Girls drank his piss every episode, you remember that? Yeah. Did he really? Yeah. He didn't even have to. As soon as he got off the plane, he just be like, one for me?

Yeah. Pour some out for the homies. For real, though, they filmed that show. It was like a regular... It wasn't like he was actually out in the wild. No. There was a whole team of producers and cameras watching him. Everybody was there.

Like drinking Capri Sun. Sometimes you have to drink your own piss. He was drinking his piss in the woods. He was in the woods drinking his piss. Like behind the airport. He was in the woods. He said, Discovery Nat Geo is like, this is our guy. Yeah.

That was a good show. Dude, I was watching River Monsters, too. River Monsters is nice. Yep. Were they catching big fish? Yeah. Dude, carp? Really?

They go catfish? Prehistoric creatures. I saw him. He was in Indonesia catching puffer fish. They were biting guys. What? There was a bunch of puffer fish biting motherfuckers. Jesus.

You should get rid of them. Yeah. People are going to say I look like a puffer fish in this video. Now. Dude, I got hit hard after the last one because I wore a long sleeve Key West shirt. And they were like, oh, good Kirby's on this. I was like, why am I reading these? What's the matter with me?

I did it last night. I read some YouTube comments. What did you read? I was just bored. I was sitting here. I started scrolling until I tried to find one. Yeah. I got one.

I tried to find you. I scrolled and there were so many good ones. There were so many good ones. It was crazy. They were like, this guy's great. I'm so glad I found this. And it's like, oh, Michael even more is so funny. It's like, fuck.

He doesn't know. The guy who's complimenting him, he doesn't know. Then you find the guy who calls you a loser and you're like, he knows. He gets it. Two dark souls connecting online. Some guy just typing and going, ah. That's what happens when those parallel lines connect. True.

Just sadness, chaos. Yeah. Seeking out the one that just really hurts your feelings and just going, ah. It's fucking crazy. Fuck, I knew it. You do it to yourself because it's a new feeling. It's like, it's a realer feeling than gratitude. It's just cutting yourself where no one can see.

True. It is kind of like cutting. You're very actually right about it. It's like finding a complete stranger that calls you a fucking dickhead. Yeah. I knew it. Yeah. I was thinking about when we eventually start to die and then like be like processing your

death as well as online comments. I mean, Lord willing, the cast goes into like just. The cast is not going anywhere. Going into death. It might not stop. You imagine just dying and being like, this guy is a jerk. I'm being serious about my death. It's really affecting me.

He's calling me gay. Yeah. It'd be tough. All those negative comments reverse though when you die. Yeah. Best guy ever. They used to attack Patrice. Oh yeah.

You get on the ONA subreddit, they'd be like fucking gorilla. Oh. That's Soda told me. I didn't look back then. Soda spilled the beans. Soda spilled the beans on the ONA subreddit. He spilled the beans though. Yeah.

You see he spilled the billions of beans. No. What he's. The news alleges that he revealed that it was their last season. He goes, oh shit was I not supposed to say that. Oh fuck. I didn't know that. He was all like TV.

I don't know if it's just the media slag reel. He spilled the beans on Legion of Skanks. I think he spilled the beans. Like yeah, you know, it's the final. Oh shit. Damn. I don't know if I'm supposed to say this now, but it's the last season of the show. So nice.

So nice. He's the best. He's got that fucking Smoky Hill brain over here in New York City. You can't take trash out of Aurora Colorado and expect him to be your mouthpiece for your multi-million dollar show. True. I love fucking trash dude. I would go to it when I first moved here.

I was at his apartment every day and it's just. It was funny to see what happens when a trash person gets money like that. Yeah. His whole apartment was just wrestling figures. It wasn't even like. replica belts. It wasn't even like set up. It was like a folding table.

Yeah. Plastic table on the side with just shit all over it. Yeah. Wrestling belts everywhere. I would play him in video games. He would wear them on his shoulder. So they would come home to Colorado around Christmas and he'd be like, damn, what's it like in the big city?

And he'd be like, oh my God, it's the greatest. You guys got to come out there. And then like a bunch of terrible open mics would hit him up when they come to New York and he'd be like, I can't get you on anything. He's the king. Yeah, he is. He would take me to the cellar. Yeah.

I couldn't sit at the table. I would just sit at the bar and stare at the people at the table. Somebody would be like, who's that guy? Who's your friend, Dan? Oh, that's Corky. Me? That's my friend. You want me to come over?

No. That's cool. Yeah. I can sit there. You invited me down to the cellar tonight. I don't want to recreate that. You're sitting at the bar. I'm not.

Those are tiny stools, too. You look like a dumbass or something. You look like a candy apple. Yeah, I'm going to look like an ice cream cone. Just plopped. Hello, Jim Norton. Now people are going to respect you instantly. Yeah, you'll see your girth.

Yeah, they love girth. They love girth. They respect girth. They're real. Can we be clear? Everybody respects girth. Wow. I wish it was the same in the penis community.

Everybody respects girth. What? I don't have length. I have girth. I'm like a toad through. Oh, in the community. I thought you meant, yes. You claim a coke can?

Huh? You claim a coke can? I'm like half of a coke can. Not bad. No, it's not good. You have length and not girth. I have no length. It's fine.

I think girth is preferable. I know. We don't use that word in the community anymore. You chose. You chose. You're the plug, dude. The plug. The plug.

Yeah. That's what I tell my wife. The plug's coming over. The plug. You could have used me in that bathtub and tell you what. The water'd still be in there. Hold on. I'm sealing all those juices.

Yeah. Yeah. The bathtub. Yeah. Just. Yeah. We've talked about for just the tiny tip of your penis breaching the water. Oh, yeah.

Sticking straight up. It's like a dead body. It's crazy. It's crazy. We don't have to troll the river. The worst, if you're naked in a pool during the daytime and you look down at your dick, that's like a fun house, dude. Yeah.

I remember my friend was telling me he was having sex in a pool. He was having sex in a pool and I looked down and I saw my little big dick in the water. It does distort your bird. Your bird looks crazy underwater during this sunlight. Yeah. It's like if Gowdy painted your dick. It's all refractory and trippy. You know what I like to do in the pool is fart underwater.

Oh, yeah. You go to the other end of the pool and go get underwater, hurry up. Yeah, go ahead. And you fart and they can hear it across the pool. It's pretty fun. There's nothing more fun than being in the pool. I can't wait for summertime and farting in the pool. Dude.

You know when they have steps in the pool that go down? That top step where there's barely any water covering it? If you go bare ass on that and fart on that, it's awesome. There's like a splatter. I've never thought. It's like a shower fart. Exactly. Makes that insane noise.

Yeah. Shower farts are pretty wonderful, too. If you push it against the wall in the shower. Just crack the lining. They're like, what the fuck? How does this keep happening? Yeah. Whenever water is involved, just a little bit of water makes the fart

so much sweeter. There's a community pool near me. You might go to the summers and shit in the pool. I'm going to shit in the pool. From outside. From that chair they lower handies into. Yeah. I think I'm going to shit in the pool.

Just get one drain. Dude, they would never, if I could do it like once a week, they'd never. Scream and panic. Oh, no. What's happening? Not again. They're tearing you out of your shark.

People would be jumping in to grab their kids. Yeah. It'd be nice to get the news away from all this terrible stuff that's been happening. Look, man, shit's the pool. Look, man, dumps pool. Shit's the pool. You're trying to be the change you want to see in the world. They're dumping in pools.

Yeah, be the shit you want to see in the pool. I'm a refugee right now from Philadelphia, dude, from the chemical spill. Oh, yeah. Is that affecting you? They just keep. All they do is they give you a text on your phone. They're like, water's still good up until Tuesday. Now they're like, your water's good until Wednesday.

They're just waiting for it to enter the reservoir. So they don't know. Oh, shit. So I've been trying to get my supplies up anyway. So now I finally have an excuse to wait. It's time to get supplies. I'm based. I'm lightly prepping.

I have like, right now I'm sitting at like 25 gals in the basement. Did you fill up the tub? No, I should have. They said you're like, they want, they told people to store the tab water now because it's good. So they're like, yeah, it should be good. It should be good. So they keep delaying it.

They're like, yeah, the water's good now. We'll check back in like midnight on Tuesday and we'll let you guys know what the deal is. Damn. It's fucked up. That's what Philadelphia needs. More mutants. I know. Yeah.

For real. Dude, 12,000 gallons of like some latex finishing chemical filled it. I think I think it's the stuff that makes like when you use paint. It's like a liquid latex. It turns like hard. Yeah. So I think it's the stuff that like it's like a reactive agent. That's not good.

I might have to drink some of that. It's hard. So I can get achieve erections. True. That'd be crazy. Whoa. Everyone's just rock hard in Philadelphia. Everybody gets bricked up.

I've been pretty bricked. I've been waking up bricked lately. Isn't that fun when you get a little older and you get a real hard one and your belly hurts? Oh, I love that. Yeah. When you're like, oh. Yeah.

That's just blood flying to my dick. Yeah. Through my belly. Yeah. Through the four cans of garbanzo beans. I don't know how things work. I don't either. Yeah.

Well, your blood is right here. And then when you get hard, it just. I think when you're in love. Daily. Your blood rushes your penis and you're in love. You say, fuck, I love this so much. God, I'm in love so hard right now. I love this Littorotica audible story.

Fuck, it's so hot, right? Just laying in bed at night. That's what I've fallen. I still have not viewed porn, but I have. We'll be honest. I have used Littorotica audible. What? Dude, I'm not perfect, man.

I'm not perfect. I'm not perfect. Shit. I'm not perfect. I still haven't viewed it. But I have listened. But you've been beaten off to books or you've listened first. And then when I call over, do you let it play while you're whacking off?

Obviously, I'm letting it play and getting swept up into the narrative. Yeah. I have fallen. I have fallen from grace. That's not falling. But I haven't viewed. Exactly. I haven't viewed.

Yeah, but it is in both years, though. You're being penetrated with it. No, that's an old fashioned. Reverberates. I'm in a gray area right now, dude. I'm in a gray. I'm like this right now. On a cliff.

Yeah. But when you fall, it's going to feel so nice. I have not viewed. No, I haven't viewed. If you don't watch porn for a while, when you go back, you're like, damn porn is awesome. Dude, I salivate sometimes. I forgot how cool porn was. I had to get off Reddit for that same reason, because I quit porn as well to save my seed

for my lady. That's what I have. And then, dude, you have to. You get on Reddit and you're like, oh, look at this little tomboy with her nips out. And you have to, like, fucking bury your phone. It's so hard not to engage in that act. I haven't fallen to Reddit porn. Thank God.

I like a good tomboy. I love tomboy. Yeah, it's kind of nice. Holy shit, dude. Oh, man. The lady from the end of Ghostbusters on top of the building, you know, the one. Are you a God? Then die.

That lady. You know when you had to fight that lady at the end? Yeah, exactly. And I blew up and coated the city. Hey, you watched it. Nobody ever made fun of me that way. Nobody called me that. I got hit with slimer recently.

That rocked me. Slimer is tough. You'd rather be the fucking. Marshmallow, man. Marshmallow, man. For sure. Slimer's tough. Slimer didn't have any legs.

Yo. Slimer. Yeah. Yeah, slimer hurts. That wasn't good. Or remember Critters? Remember that movie Critters? Yeah.

Yeah, someone called me a Critter recently. What's Critters about? I look like a Critter. I was like, oh, shit. Yeah. Balls with teeth and fur. I'm a full Critter over here. Where are you getting this flack from?

Just my podcast, Javi Behemoth. Hell yeah. We got to work on that name. No, it's the way. You look like Critters. Let me see. Let me see. That's me.

La Mer, you're Critter adjacent as well. There's room for you in the community pool. You know who I was kind of like bugging out on today? La Mer's Critter is adjacent. You're a cuter though. La Mer's a cute guy. La Mer is cute. You are.

You have like cute eyes. You always look like you're smiling even when you're pissed. It sucks. I want to see La Mer. I can tell when La Mer's upset. You have like Aboriginal face. I got him upset a couple of times. This weekend he got upset with me.

You guys got pissed at Shane? He doesn't. Normally if you make fun of him, he goofs. Yeah. But I'd make fun of him and he would be like, he would stand up and be like, no, I'm telling the truth on this. La Mer, you were getting attacked.

We were getting fired up about like technology. Oh yeah, about chat GBT. Yeah. Oh yeah. Are you pro or con? I was saying La Mer didn't know shit. And he's reading headlines. What do you say La Mer?

Yeah, I am reading headlines, but I know stuff. And then no, he does, he does. He knows significantly more than me about all that. What's up with chat GBT? I don't hate it as much as people think they should. It's not that bad. It's not that bad. It's bad, but it's not that bad.

Yeah. What's bad about it? It's going to, it's going to decentivize people from learning skills, but it's also going to like do the stuff that people really don't. So it's going to like turn these skills into like things we don't need anymore. Yeah.

So people just get fatter and dumber, you're saying. Yeah. We're going to turn into Wally. Yeah. Perfect. Why are you so close on him right now? Sean's trying to be mean to the marriage. It is funny.

At whose expense? Yeah. Why is it funny? At whose expense is it funny? I thought you were going to talk about the going wow, dude. I was afraid of it. What's going on? Well, I'd love to.

Who's going wild? I wasn't going to. I'd absolutely love to talk about going wild. I think it's fair to talk. Who's going wild? Gone Wild? There's a, you know, Sam, you're a ready guy. You know about the going wild groups.

Oh, yes, I do. Yeah. I went to. I'm trying to suppress those longings that I have for them. Well, what's going on? This is a pretty wonderful story. I went to. I was going wild?

No. A Milwaukee going wild. I went to Milwaukee going wild. So Friday night, I go home. Yeah. I go taking a tease. Or was it Thursday? Thursday or Friday?

Thursday night, I was like, got take a tease on Thursday. I go straight back home. Lameezy's like, I'm going to go out. I'm going to use the scooters. I'm going to scoot around town. Nice. And so then the next morning we wake up, we go. Lamar and I go and get breakfast.

And he's like, I went, I went to an orgy last night. What? He's chewing his nails. Wait, you went to an orgy last night? Or I guess last weekend. Yeah. But I didn't get in. I didn't get in.

What? What? They had a strict no credit. You guarded the orgy. He's a critter for you. You guarded the orgy. You guarded the orgy. No, I just didn't pay enough money to get in.

Yes. He got ripped off. Wait, what happened? It's called Milwaukee going wild. So he goes, I went to an orgy last night, but I couldn't get in. And then he was trying to hide the fact that he paid for a ticket. No. And then he was trying to hide the fact that he showed up.

He said he got there. Initially, the story was he showed up and he was like, no, this isn't for me. And he left. He's like, my dick's too big for this orgy. Then it turns out I was like, his story was he got there and was like, I can't do an orgy. Who am I? What am I thinking here? I gotta get out.

I wish you liked yourself out. Not that he got ripped off and scammed, which I quickly found out. I was just like, wait, what happened? And he was like, no, I got in there. I texted him and they said they couldn't let me up. They were too busy fucking. And I was like, well then, wait. You paid $75 to be a part of an orgy.

You actually went to the hotel, sat in the lobby, DM them and was like, hey, I'm here. And they were like, actually, we're too busy fucking. We can't let you in. You ripped off. You got ripped off. I already bought a ticket. He just Venmo'd somebody fucking 75. Shit.

Where'd you hear about this thing? I got a ticket on Snapchat. I didn't get a ticket. It was a fake ticket. It was fake. Come on, man. Well, man, if you don't mind, I have a check for $10,000 coming in. Do you mind if I cash in your back again?

I swear I'm going to get you back, dude. Where was it? Wasn't it like a day's in or something? It was a day's in. He sat in the lobby, but days in at like 3 a.m. There was no orgy. There was definitely like five teenagers laughing in fucking Indiana. We got him.

We got some fucking guy just gave us $75. This is crazy. This is the best night of our lives. What's the sales funnel look like? Do they have like footage of it or is it like are they showing babes? They did have pictures. They did show me pictures and video of it happening actively. You live streamed an orgy and then couldn't gain access to it.

Did it look like a day's in? You're sitting your heart in the lobby of a day's in. To be fair, it's a noble mission, dude. What, to orgy it up? Yeah, it's a noble mission. It's a porn hole. It's part of a porn hole. You're in a fat hole.

You see an orgy thing. You go, I'm going to kill this fucking orgy. I got to try it. You would do some damage in there, man. I hope. Yeah, you do. I hope. That's fucking crazy.

Have you thought about getting revenge? You should try to get revenge. Sweet revenge. Went on Milwaukee's Gone Wild subreddit and found an orgy and got ripped off. You'd be like Sonic the Hedgehog in there. Just full armadillo mode bouncing off the walls. Just spinning. Yeah.

Rings popping out of place. You still have the phone number? I still have the Snapchat. Yeah. We should call. Oh, you did a Snapchat call? Yeah. Fuck.

You should have beat off to the call. You should Snapchat and say, can I have my $75 back? Yeah. See what they say. So the guy answered and said, we're too busy fucking. Did you hear any sex going on? No, nobody. It was just like messages.

Nobody answered. Oh, man. Hi. I'm so scared right now. I mean, I can't believe it worked. Yeah, I guess it's easy to trick a horny guy. Dude, he's got a little cash jangling around in his pocket. Oh, yeah.

I had a couple of vodka sodas to do. Yeah, you were fucked up on the road. True. Like I haven't been duped in my younger days on the road. No, I don't think it's anything shameful. I think it's not. Once in Wyoming, a girl invited me back to her hotel room and I got there after a show and like Gillette or whatever.

And there was just a man waiting for me and he says, give me the money. And I was like, what? And he's like, you were the comic. Give me the money. And I was like, all right. And I gave him $200 and just went back to my hotel. It sucked. I thought I was going to get blown.

Oh, the lady wasn't even there. No, she tricked me. She tricked me. Give me money. Give me the money. And I was like, fuck. Do you have a gun or was he just thrown? No, I was just like in Wyoming and 21 years old.

I was like fine. Here's the money. Yeah, if a man yells at you when you're 21. Was he sitting on the bed at least? I didn't even get in there. He was just in front of, he like came out from the side of like the motel. Oh, no. And he was like, give me the money.

You're the comic. And I was like, fair. Here you go, sir. Did you see anything in me or like? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. That was my set room. Did you see the show?

Yeah, yeah. How did that buzzer do? It sucked. Give me $200. Fuck. Yeah, that was a low point. I didn't fucking know all about that. But no, I do support the mares.

I'm jealous of his confidence. Yeah. I would never partake in a movie. I would have fallen for that in a second. I'm there. You would, I think that of all of us, maybe you would be the best in there. What? In an orgy.

You think so? Probably. Out of the three of us. Sean, of course. No one wants a big guy in an orgy. Sean's first pick. You're sweating in there? Yeah.

You think? Just looming and sweating. It's fucking hot in here, right? So where do I lay down? I'm going to lay down. I need to be on the bottom for all of you. Yeah, right. They make this little twerp, dude.

Get them out of here. I went to a party recently. It was a birthday party. Oh, so there's no way. I'm sorry to cut you off. There's no way an orgy of the days in Milwaukee is fucking good, dude. That would have been horrific shit. It would have smelled like a puppy.

Oh, we're wreaked, dude. It smelled like a bunny cage. Yeah. It's like a ferret household. The dudes in there would have been fucking brutal. Oh, yeah. It's tongue pierced dudes. I've been sick of it.

It was like four more of the mayors. Yeah, true. Just a bunch of critters in the hotel room. Although this does sound like I'm using a racial slur. Take that one back. It does. Let me go ahead and walk that one back. I'm sorry, pal.

That was our trip. It's pretty good. Nice. We can recreate that this weekend in Denver. One of us getting shrimped for sex. Did you really use FAP when you got home? There you go. It was on the walk home.

It was all about the build up, dude. I just love the initial story was. I got there. I don't know. I didn't want to do that. I was just like, I second guessed it. I was like, wait, I broke it down within one minute. It's like, wait at 3 a.m.

You had a change of heart. Yeah, you got there and we're like, you've went the whole way to the days in and then you just changed your mind. That's too many girls for me. They're too eager. You know, the old Thursday night orgy at the days in Milwaukee.

Young love. That is young. He's fucking old as shit. He's got a great beard. I thought he was like 23. No, the man is old as hell, dude. What? He's only in the moon and a motherfucker's son.

That's not good. The man is a geezer. How old are you? 32? Oh, the man. You know better. Taking chances on the road though. That's what I love about taking the mayor and Nate.

Nate goes hard too. Not with women, just exploring, going out. They're like, dude, this is awesome. We're on the road. So nice to have new people. Enjoy it. I usually just get there and I'm like, Crump.

Beezer and O'Connor were with me. They've been on the road too much. Yeah. You get there and be like, all right, let's just lay in our rooms. See you later. He's just bringing a carnival of malevolence from city to city with you.

Yeah. Now I got the young guys coming. Now we got, well, La Mer. La Mer. Dude, I didn't tell you what happened. I got a 47-year-old La Mer lady. Mr. Lee. I told you about this, about the boys.

I think I told you what happened to me. I told you last week. Let me hear it. I told you about the swimming thing. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I told you about that. I saw those boys. It's nice to go on adventures on the road.

Yeah. I'm very reluctant. I need someone to be like, come on. Let's do it. Yeah. Oh, you got to get out and see that city, man. I've seen all these fucking cities, dude. They're all the exact same.

I've seen them more than you have, dude. And I get out there. What? I've been on the road longer than you. I still find a new enchanting thing to do. No. I wasn't throwing down a gauntlet. No, no, no.

I wasn't saying I've seen them all, like, in a, you haven't way. I know. I know. The way you did. So who's been everywhere? Nice try. Better women? Probably him.

Probably him. Yeah. But you know. Too much less regard and financial gain. Yeah. Bar shows don't count, but. You're a nasty jerk. You made it this way.

You made it this way. I did not make it this way. Shane. You did. All right. You did bar shows in fucking Wyoming. That was my fault to go. Yeah.

That was in 2008. Rewind the tape. Watch. You'll see. You'll see where it turns. You'll see where it turned. I was just saying, I've been, I've been, I've seen all the cities look the same. I don't like going out.

I invited you to a botanical gardens in Columbus and you responded gay. That is, I stand by that. It's the best botanical gardens in America. The Franklin conservatory. And I want to share it with you. Burn it down. When we look at fucking flowers. Yes.

They also have a butterfly exhibit in there. Butterfly exhibits are nasty. It's magical. Butterfly exhibits are nasty. I've been to a butterfly exhibit. It's fine. They're awesome. They land on you.

Yeah. You feel like a little flower. Where was I? I was with O'Connor and Mackie. Nice. I forget. Phoenix has a nasty. Maybe you're in Phoenix.

Phoenix has a pretty nasty. Oh, I think we're in Boston. Really? I bet they got them up there. Yeah. Educated whites love butterfly exhibits. Yeah. Pretty nice.

Got to see the butterflies. That was fun. O'Connor was wearing a shirt that he thought was cool. As he does. It's pretty awesome. What kind of shirt was it? I got to find it. It was one of the funniest looking shirts.

Button down? Yes. Short sleeve. Like lime green plaid button. I definitely have this photo. Everyone can fall for it. I have a photo of him with the cool shirt. I had my short sleeve plaid button down and thought it was the shit.

The only people complimenting it were hookers in Vegas. And I was like, I didn't know. You found your demographic. They were like nice shirt. I was like, dude, that's what I'm saying. It was like a bugle boy button down short sleeve. That's what I'm saying. Nice.

I haven't scrolled back in a while. Here's Phil's jeans. His jizz jeans. Remember that? Oh, it's the best. Oh, yeah. This is the highlight. This is a clip show now.

This is fun. Where is it? Did Chris tell you about when we did that don't tell thing in San Diego or Santa Barbara together? Oh, my God. Of course he didn't do it. He wasn't allowed to. Yeah, we signed that NDA.

What happened? Chris was there and it was me and a couple other comics and like, it was Santa Barbara at sundown. It was beautiful. And this guy, Brad, who hosts the show was like, Hey, we're going to make sure that everything here goes just smooth for you. We got the best crew. We got the best crowds and all of don't tell and all of America and they're here.

We're going to make sure the lighting is perfect. The sound is great. Everyone's going to look immaculate. And Chris just goes, can you please shut the fuck up? This guy was trying to be the most like hospitable host in the history of comedy. I heard that from O'Connor's side. Wait, you guys, it was for taping, right? Yeah.

And the guy was like, just make sure you don't like trip on something or like, he was just giving things that could go wrong. Yeah. He was like, trying to make sure it went perfect. I know. And he was like, can you shut the fuck up fucking tell me things that could go wrong. I'm going to be fucking thinking about it. I tried to smooth it over by being like, classic Chris, right?

Everyone. And he was just like simmering. I was like, oh, okay. Short fuse. I don't mean it was fun to see it in the wild because he popped off nasty style at this like very handsome man. It's like what happens. You see dads that act like that, like short fused adults.

Yeah. Now it's happening that we're all getting old. Yeah, you can see it. Like we're all becoming men that are like, God damn it. Dude, I was, I got to go do this fucking. I was yelling at my GPS the whole way up. I was like, why does it fucking do this shit? No.

I was like telling him where to go, but I was exploring alternate routes. So I was like clicking this way, clicking this way. And he listened. I was like, yeah, we're going to the left. And then my phone was like, take it right now. And he almost went on to the media and I'm like, where are you going? And we just stopped on the media. Stop having a major.

He's elderly. True. It blows my mind. I thought you were like a fresh-eyed, bushy tailed, 24 year old. No, look at his gray beard, dude. I have a gray beard. He's the mayor of the gray. I'm not.

I'm young too. How old are you? 35. Yeah. We're geeseed, bro. This sucks. I have to grow out my beard for this like thing. And I'm just stuck in the zone.

Yeah. Getting old is tough. Yeah. I like it so far. I don't mind it, but there's certain things that I, like, like I talk about. Like I talk about a lot of balding stuff, dude. Yeah. Early on in the beginning of the process, I was like, I'm just going to go bald, dude.

Yeah. Fuck it. True. I'm starting to go and I'm like, I wish I hadn't said that so many fucking times. I would have got fucking hair bugs. I wish I hadn't said that a thousand times. I was looking up early onset Alzheimer's last night. Oh, fuck, dude.

Don't do that. Yeah. I googled all types of problems last night. Dude, that's crazy. You did that. I just, I watched hyper normalization. It was just fucked up. I watched Adam Curtis again.

I keep watching Adam Curtis and it keeps making me fucking like totally disillusioned. Yeah. I'm like, oh, everything's fucked. Yeah. The bankers. The early Alzheimer's. The fucking bankers. That might be a dog whistle, dude.

Now that I think about it. What bankers might be? I think Adam Curtis might be being, might be sending us a message. Well, I think it's possible that bankers greed is ruined stuff. Why people? Me, I was reading on the way up. I was, I was reading a magazine. Adam Curtis.

It's like a, you know, it's like an intelligent document. This is deciding the Jews? Nah, dude, if you read about, if you do read it, the problem is if you read about like what's going on in Palestine and Israel, it's like genuinely fucking heinous. Oh yeah. I was reading just like a regular magazine on the way up here and it was just like, they're saying there was a camp at like Hawaii or something. Not the, not the Hawaii.

Not the Hawaii. It was Hawaii. And like these two, dude, they're called, they're called settlers. Yeah. They're like, they're on the frontier. Yeah. Settlements. The cowboys, dude.

Yeah. They're the cowboys and they go out there and they like chill. They fight those Palestinian Comanche. The what? The Palestinian Comanche. Yeah, dude. And these guys, these guys, these two Jewish cowboys got shot and they're just shot to death in their apartment and then dudes went and just lit the fucking place on fire.

Like Israeli dudes came down, citizens lit it on fire and their government's like, yo, come on, we got played by the rules. Well, that sounds just and honorable. It's just, you read about it. Like this is, it's a horrific war going on with no end in sight. And it's all, it's like civic groups rising up. It's pretty nuts. Yeah.

It's all bad. Very bad stuff. So yeah, when you get into it, you go and China, everybody's switching to their currency. I know. They're rid of the dollar. We're all fucked. The brick currencies. Yeah.

So good. Wait, they think they're switching to the China currencies? I think Russia and China and like India. Saudi Arabia is the big one. Right. If they start trading oil in. In China. You on?

What's it called? You won? You went? Yeah. Whatever their bullshit made up body is. We're still number one, dude. Yeah. I think it's fear mongering.

I don't think they're going to do it. I don't, I think it's fear mongering. I don't think. I don't. Yeah. Of course. Everything you look at the news is like it's, it's happening. Yeah.

It's happening. It's all going bad. Because then it's like, okay, they switch. So then America becomes like fucked money wise. It's like, what do you think's going to happen? I don't think we're going to take that lightly. No. Every fortunate sun blaring.

Everywhere. Chalmers flying over. Just in Mexico for no reason. Like you motherfuckers. Canada is burning. We could link though. We could nafta up. We could link with those boys.

Dude. We'd be totally fine. We don't need anybody else's money. We don't need a trade. We got us, Mexico and Canada. Canada has all the oil. We have everything. We got the labor.

We got everything we need right here. Oh dude. We're fine. We can chill. We can continue to chill. And also, hey Brazil. Patron's going to still be there. Let's move it to the servers.

Let's move it to the servers. You on. I'd be sick. We're like, hey guys, we're invading China right now. We're back from shooting Chinese people. Everyone would be like, we were right about Shane. We just got back from executing prisoners. There's a statue of you in 200 years.

He was a great man. In both word and deed. The sweat suit assassin. Yes. The ghost of Harrisburg. Yeah. True. Yeah.

I don't, you know, you're real. I would love to die a hero, dude. Instead of how I'm going to die alone in a hotel room. Days in and walking. Yeah. In an orgy. Yeah. Just telling everyone, I just got 75 off this LeMore guy.

Yeah. He's ripped off an idiot. Scamming people. We can buy coke with this. Yeah. There might be the chorus of angels you hear when dying in a hotel. You're like, is that a bunch of teenagers having sex? Yeah.

I see it. I'm there. Wow, they're all airless. It's beautiful. They love that. I'm there. Everybody's excited that I walked in the door. No one's furious when the door opened and saw me and my disgusting body.

We're in cut-offs. When I walked in, a woman didn't audibly go. No. He's walking with the church's big gulp. Damn. Get hit with it. Yeah. I can stiff arm that orgy like right when you walk in.

I can stiff arm by everybody. Oh, man. I was walking naked in my house last night and I was like, dude, could I go to like, what would happen if I went to like a nudist colony? Would they just be like, I don't know. I was like, or is it just like completely chill there? There's like whatever. I think they're pretty chill.

There's some fucking, you would be furthest from the biggest creature there. Oh, yeah. That's creature city. Yeah. I know that. I'm talking about just a tiny flaccid penis where you walk out on the beach like, hey guys, I feel like it's hog life. Yeah.

Because I'm kind of like, you know. In a situation like that, my penis is gone. I'm like a carved Michelangelo, dude. On stage, my penis is a fucking memory. Penis is gone. Throwing a podcast. Penis is gone. Penis is gone right now.

Yeah. Point at that. Hang on. Right now. It's like an elevator. It's like it's hitchhiking away from my balls. Oh, but yeah, all that Adam Kerr stuff got me bummed out again. Oh man.

Hypernormalization isn't even, at least to the end of can't get you out of my head is like a, you ever see that one? Yeah. The very end. There's like a very nice message. He's like, but the secret of the, oh yeah. The secret of the world is that we have the power to make it whatever we want. And that's how we get along those lines.

Yeah, it's true. This one just ends. Yeah. This one's just like, yep, we're fucked. Yeah. Well, dude, I told you when I did that five grams of mushrooms and I like, I was like coming back into my body and I came back. I'd like remember how the world was set up and it was like a big time bug out.

Yeah. I was going like the system. So I'm in a country and there's other countries and they all have fucking like, I was like imagining like barbed wire fences and like weapons and shit. I'm like, and they're mad at each other. I was like, oh man. Yeah. I'm like, so what's everyone doing?

I'm like, you have to get money. And I went, oh man. So I was like reconstructing the world and literally coming back to it and going like how's this thing? How's this whole thing set up? And I went, that's scary. Yeah. But what's the other options, dude?

That's what we got to think. We got to think. We can just go along with the system. You got to think of the new. I think you can distribute this one. You got to think of Momar Gaddafi's. Dude, right now. True.

True that. I tried to read that book. It was. It's gibberish. Crazy. It didn't make any sense. It's gibberish. My favorite part of hyper normalization is they sit him down.

When they're trying to. So after 9 11, they were, they found out there was no WMDs when they invaded Iraq and all that shit. I still believe there were by the way. Definitely. They're still hidden. I'm still hiding them. Fucking Blair and Bush had to like be like, no, this is good.

It's good we did this. We're bringing democracy to the Middle East. So they called Gaddafi and they were like, dude, we'll lift the sanctions. Just say you got rid of your nuclear program, which he never even came close to having. So he was like, yeah. All right. Deal. And then he had to, he had to claim responsibility for like a terrorist attack.

That plane. There was a bombing and some Scottish plane. And, but then they had to like do a PR thing to make him like, now that they brought him back in to like the good countries, they had to be like, he's actually one of the great thinkers in the Middle East. So they sat him down with like three other intellectuals in England and he had his green book is his book at the third way. And everybody was just like, Jesus Christ.

I was so excited to read it. I was like, this makes no fucking sense at all. Yeah. Like the grasp of modernity keeps us from like actually doing anything new because we can't imagine any way out of like this gilded cage we live in. So it's like, what's next? I don't know. This feels pretty good.

Yeah. Let's just keep it how it is. Yeah. Don't change. Don't improve. Keep it. This rules. Yeah.

That's kind of rule. Yeah. You're beautiful daughters can't have water now, you know. So I got the water stashes up. Dude, I'm prepping now. Yeah. But I literally have a bunch of salt in my house. Water was tough for a while.

Water's tough. Water was tough for a while. Yeah. If he lived in Philly like 200 years ago, you'd be in the Skookle with just piles of human shit. Yeah. Check your hands on it. Yeah.

Your kid would get fucking cholera. Yeah. Hypoid was rampant. So it's not, it's not new that you can't drink out of the Skookle. So that's my thing. They figured out the setup. Now they have to figure out how to not the setups. Dude, it's, I think in the 70s, there was 4 billion people and now we year by 2030, they're

saying we'll have 4 billion overweight slash obese, which is kind of a victory lap. Yeah. That's like the entire world population of 1975 in 2030 will be, it'll be like an obese planet, basically. And they fear it, dude. They're going to be using us as fuel. There's too many, too many units. It's so sick.

They just run at things. Just walk towards things. What is funny is that you have them all go log style and just roll them down the hill. Yeah. It would just take like everyone in the developed countries could just take 20% of their food and be like, I'll share this and everything. Everyone's chilling. Don't solve a lot.

Dude, it's so easy. Everyone's chilling, but it's so hard. I was just thinking of a most extreme elimination challenge. You remember that? That's going to be the war with China. A bunch of fats rolling down the hill. Just butt fucking dudes. We're just going to roll our fats down the hill.

I'd like to do commentary on that war. Yeah. It'd be so weird if we had to go to war with China, though, because it's like... That would suck, dude. Also, what if we'd lose, dude? That would suck. Oh, my God. We'd lose.

We'd do for a big whopper, too. Yeah. Oh, yeah. If we lose to Russia and China, that would suck. And L is coming. If everyone teams up against us, that sucks. Who else would team up? India.

Well, I think India is one of our boys. They're the bros, yeah. They need Trump back. Yeah, true. India is like, yeah. We might need Trump to be president, dude. I mean, he was doing better than now. Did you see Biden after the Nashville shooting?

No. He was having... He had like a press conference right away. Yeah. But it wasn't for the Nashville shooting. He was just doing like a White House meeting. Oh, no. Like it was like a small business meeting, but he comes down there like...

The president's about to speak about the Nashville shooting. He goes, he goes, my name's Joe Biden, the wife of Dr. Jill Biden. What? And I like vanilla ice cream. I like chocolate chip ice creams. No, he didn't, dude. I came down here because I heard there was some chocolate chip ice creams. You don't think I got a whole freezer of it upstairs?

He didn't. I do. Yeah. He didn't. That's when he opened the Nashville shooting. But it wasn't... Yeah, he was... In his defense, it wasn't that press conference yet.

Yeah. He was giving a small... A meeting with a small business. Like he was getting... But was Ben and Jerry? He was getting laughs. Yeah. He came down and got laughs.

Everybody was excited to see him. He was like, I didn't know. I came down here for some ice cream. Hey. Oh, so false point. Guess what? There's no ice cream. That's how he always talks.

He whispers. He does whispers. He loves whispering to make a point. They're really in him away. I watched two... That was the third Biden speech I've watched this week. How have they been? I watched...

He was in Canada. I watched him address Canadian Parliament. It's pretty sick. That's awesome. And then I watched him do a press conference with Trudeau after. It's pretty sick. How's he doing? Somebody was like, isn't...

Something about China giving Russia weapons. He was like, everybody's been saying they're going to give them weapons this whole time. Guess what? They haven't done it yet. It's like, dude, holy shit. What's wrong with this guy? Hey, where are you going yin-yang, twins? Hey.

Hey, little roster, let me wish me here. No, that's the oil that I really want to use. Give us that fucking oil. Yeah, they're going to whiff. Stop doing this to us. They're going to put everyone up into another frenzy and they'll infringe on everything. In like five years, they'll do some wild infringement. They're like, guys, we have to do this.

There's no one ever and ever. And I'm like, man, I fucking wish I could own my own house. I'm like, you had to give him away. You had to give us your house. You had to give him away. It's free real estate. Uh. Whoa.

What are you doing? I'm so thirsty from all that podcasting, dude. There's a ton of reasons why you might want to drink something that looks like beer, but isn't. Maybe because you're hanging out with underage. Yeah. Maybe you're pregnant. Maybe you want to confuse people at the PTA meeting.

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Working out, dude. Yeah, I noticed when you were laughing, you got veins in your neck. Really? You're jacked. I'm fucking dead. Vein right there? You were laughing. Yeah.

You look like a fucking troupe. Dude, I mean, I'm pretty much fucking in, dude. Bro, when did you get so jacked? He's hanging out, dude. All right. Matt, let's get back to the show. Yeah. MLB, the show.

Yeah, watching him give speeches, and then last night, O'Connor was up here when I watched Adam Curry's talking. We got to the end, and it was like, oh, fuck, he was born in, he's like our dad's age. Yeah. That's kind of, shut up. I'm not watching a documentary film made. That's true. But then I was like, wait a second, and O'Connor was like, imagine your dad making a documentary.

And I was like, yeah, imagine a guy 20 years older than your dad running the country. Yeah. And we had a nice laugh. Yeah. Think of your dad right now. Add 20 years. Ugh. And see where he's at mentally.

My dad's publicly horny now. Sick. It's not good. He says horny? He's publicly horny. What do you mean he's publicly horny? I see a girl wearing like knee-high boots, and he'll be like, not bad. Yeah, like hit.

Not bad at all. You get an age you start hitting on waitresses. Yeah. Like totally. And everyone laughs. Right. Like my mom died, and now my dad's like. Oh, yeah.

Too bad you're married, huh, Sam? And pointing to like 10s. And I'm like, yeah, dad, that's all that's happening now. Well, that wasn't good. Yeah. That's all that's preventing this from happening here. He's talking sniz now. Yes, dude.

You got it talking sniz, though. My dad, God bless him. He'll be like, yeah, sorry, buddy. I can't come up and watch the game. I'm the head of this grief group, and I got to do a one-on-one with this lady. Her husband died about 13 years ago, and she's really going through it. And it's like, dad, just say you're going on a date. Yeah.

We're happy for you. You did your time with mom. You rode hard for her. Please be getting it in. Because I don't want you to become like a model train guy or like a birdhouse collector. We talk about model trains. Please go to Hooker with him. Hey, honey, you can't be mad.

My dad's here. I'm spotting my dad. I'm having a freeway with my dad. Dude, you should have done it on Cat House. You got to kill yourself. I know. On Cat House, yes. I'm taking my son to get laid.

That's the horniest dad of all time. My dad's word doesn't know all the new tricks, honey, so I'm here holding his hand. That would be, I would cut my penis off and send it to my mom's grave. If you got your dad's ass. You'd Van Gogh your dad. That is the post-knock clarity of a freeway with your dad is suicide. That's suicide, dude. As soon as you know it, you're like this.

Or you ascend and you're like, nothing does matter. Yeah, true. Me and my dad are like Vikings. Yeah. This is like an ancient thing. This is a ritual. This is what men are supposed to do. It's like at the end of it where they lock tongues.

We're definitely not reaching the weirdest level of gay there is. That would probably be better at it than me, too. My dad's doing all sorts of cool stuff. What if he, like, blew your mind by proxy? Yeah. He'd beat it up. I've never been in the room with someone, you know. I've never seen another dude fuck.

It must be crazy. I know. It is. Yeah. Every once in a while I'll be watching porn. I'm like, dude, that's definitely, dude's fucked like this now. Yeah. Like I was watching pornography and a guy was, you know,

he was doggie silent chicken. He was like fish hooking your mouth. Yeah, yeah. Going as hard as he could. And I was like, I'd feel terrible. I didn't know. Yeah. That's bad.

I miss the days of like, you know, like real slow, like watching like BET after dark and it's like the real slow. Yeah. That's a little more my speed. Yeah. Someone getting their groove back. Right. Yeah.

Like genuine style. Yeah. You know what's nice? I'm bad enough at sex that I got to pretend I'm making love every time. Oh. You gotta go slow. You gotta go, ooh. Yeah, no flash.

No flash. This is just so nice. That's why I'm going this slow. I don't know their options. I got my back hurts and I'm dizzy. Yeah. I guess the blood's flying out of my dick going straight to like the cramp in my left hamstring.

It's not because I had an audience for breakfast. Your mother passed out. I can't think of my old Dave T. In a fucking three way with me. Yeah. That's nice. Oh, dude. Funny thing to think about.

My dad's all like, he's half Mexican. He looks very, very mahogany. So I bet he looks better in the lighting of that strange situation. I can't even imagine seeing my dad's face receiving sexual pleasure. That would be so fucking weird, dude. Oh, man. You think he's your dad? So he definitely.

Come on. He's doing down there. What the hell are you doing? No horseplay. Yeah. God damn it. I'm about to come. He pissed.

How much of them coming to you? Damn it. They're getting up. Definitely. That's like miniature o-face. He'd wink at you, too, because it's your dad. He would, yeah. He'd have some zing.

Not bad. Shane, let me tell you. Not bad. It runs in the family. Shane, I want to go home. No. Shane, come here. Come here.

I'm about to come. Shane, get over here. God damn it. God damn it. What if your dad came in like two minutes and you went for like a half an hour? Oh, you just said that. He's crushing. You're going to hurt it.

Slow down. Jeez. Shane, save some for the rest of us. When did you watch your dad's erection fail in front of a hooker? It's like an expensive one, too. That's so sad, dude. Seeing your dad shamefully try to work it up. I can't use these condoms.

But if my dad takes a Viagra, he's done for. He's going to have a heart attack. You can't do that. Yeah, I don't know anything about this. That's what happened to fucking Keith. He took a fucking... Robinson, he took a Viagra on a plane. And a stroke.

On a plane? What was the plan? The plan was to land and fuck this check immediately. Whoa, in the parking lot. Took one on a plane. Have you ever had one of those? Viagra? Yeah.

Oh, yeah, brother. Dude, we found a bunch of boner pills once. I hosted an open mic in Denver at Lion's Lair. Me and my co-host Roger went around and we were like, buy people beers and put a boner pill in there. And they were just hand-dosing people with boner pills, allegedly. And then we just got to watch people like... Then slowly, one by one, they all like laughed.

Dude, you get so hot. You're hard. We know you're hard. The first guy here at Gas Digital was there blue chewed out. Yeah, I got in on that. And it's a nice treat, but you get so hot it hurts. It really hurts like you're a little groin all the way. Dude, your dick...

It is the biggest your dick's ever been in your life. Really? And it's so hard that it hurts. It's about to pop. Why can't they make those things safe for your hearts? We can just stay on them at all times. So they wear blood pressure medicine. And women take them for cardiac ailments.

They take Viagra. They get boners to help their... No, because the blood doesn't have a dick to go to. So it just kind of probably goes like... Yeah. Their clips are just... What happens to their blood because they don't have a dick? Their blood?

Yeah. It's worse than ours. It gets converted into negative thoughts. Yeah. It all goes to the accusation part of their brain. It's your fault. That's why they're so good at that mental jujitsu. They're really not.

We just have to go along with it. Yeah. You know when they're... They say they're like, actually it's your fault. You're like, well, I don't know. I think that's why the court of law was invented. Yeah. Lawyers.

To corral women. Yeah. Johnny Depp won, right? Yeah. He won. And when he won, we won. Dude, huge. That must have been so nice.

It's a whole room full of people. No, lady. No, you lose. Even then though, obviously she's... It's never going to work. She's never going to... She's going to be like, you gaslit the whole jury into thinking I was wrong. Yeah, she'll be okay.

She'll end in her tits. Yeah. She will. Who's scooping that up? Someone's going to scoop that up. Someone's going to give her a shot. Oh, yeah. Probably fucking Sean.

True. Big dick superstar, dude. Yeah. Thick meat, Sean. God. Hard weenie, hard weenie. See that penis. One day.

Please. Did you fap on the tour bus at all? You didn't? No, I never... I just hit the sound effect by accident. No, I didn't. No. You didn't masturbate on the tour bus?

No, I was like... We had hotels for the beginning and we were here, so I purged everything I could well while I had the chance. How nice was it? Did you get to sleep on the tour bus? Yeah, it was the best ever. So nice, right? I loved it.

I heard you talk about it. And at first I was scared by the rocking. I thought it was going to make me sick, but then I just... It's like a mobile cast kit. Yeah, it rules. It's like a tomb. Were you pulling putt on the Chrysler Mobile? I did masturbate on that.

Yeah. I jerked on Tim's bus a lot. Tim had a bus? Yeah, Tim did a bus. He did not like it, of course. I was going to say that doesn't sound like him. Yeah, you can't park the bus at like the four seasons, you know? Yeah.

So we had to stay like at airport hotels and he was like, well, this was a waste of money. I thought it'd be good, but it was bad. It's bad. Maybe it's good though. It's bad. It is bad. It's good. It's real bad.

It's bad. I'm firing these people. Being close to Tim rules. Tim's like... This is fucking bad shit. It's awesome. He's wild. He's the best.

Yeah, he really is. But yeah, I was really cranking it off hard in that bus because I was like, this is cool. I cranked it off once. Everybody was out. Everybody was out doing something. I was like, I'm sleeping in. Yeah. Got one off.

Oh, yeah. Into a sock. Had to keep the sock in the bed. Yeah. Had to hide it. Then I tucked it into my... Shamefully threw it in my luggage or threw it out. That sucks, dude.

Would you put that sock in the luggage? I'm going to keep that sock, dude. I'm not going to lose a sock on this. True. Yeah. Then you go to your laundry and it's like stuck to your sweatshirt and you're like, oh, Indianapolis. Hello. We masturbated shamefully on a bus.

I was whacking once on that bus and I heard Tim answer a phone call and I was like, do I finish? Is he yelling at something? Of course I did. Yeah. It was not easy. That was like alpha level training. It is.

You hear Tim scream on the phone with somebody? Yeah. You got to not laugh and whack off through it. Yeah. It sounds fun though. Just jerking off in just like a cube. Jerking off at 70 miles per hour. It was really nice.

It was really nice. Land speed record. I'm telling you, I'm good for catching them on a flight in the bathroom. Something happens. Wow. That is truly insane. Dude, it's like, it's two seconds. There's some, dude, I've been on planes.

And you're right near the stewardess. Dude, they have lotion. They have a lotion on some plane. Do they really? Yes. You scope it. They have hand lotion in the bathroom on first class on Delta. Really?

Yes. They're asking for it. I was in there. I was like, this is for real. This is for guys to... You have to sometimes. Jesus, on the plane. Something happens.

You hit high altitude. If you're like, if you have too many of them saved up and you go up in the sky like that, you go like, God damn. I do wake up incredibly hard on airplanes. Yeah. I'll have boners. I'll have boners for entire flights. Yeah.

Dude. It's a pressure station thing. Just hard for 15 hours. Yeah. When I flew to Tokyo, I had, I'd masturbated on a plane for the first time. It's great. I know. It was a fucking Marvel movie.

It was necessary. It was a must. Wait. You masturbated on the way to China? To Tokyo. Yeah. I had to get it out because it was hard for like seven hours. Yeah, exactly.

My wife's asleep. Yeah. I don't know why that mattered if she was going to... Blank it actually. No, me. Yeah. She's lucky she wasn't awake because she would have caught that bullet. In an airport?

Yeah. In an airplane seat? There's no, I don't think anybody could reach my penis. Well, we went polaris over there. I'm sitting. Yeah. My knees are against the seat. There's no way you can get your head in there.

It's like a gated community. Yeah. It really is. This is the worst angle for a dick. Yeah. It'd be funny though to be like... That if you were like spooned up with your wife and they... You would just put it on the fucking stewardess and be like,

sir, I'm not inside my wife right now. What are you talking about? How dare you? How dare you insinuate that I'm inside my wife? You just call my wife a slut? We're spooning. Wait, did you call her a slut? Yeah.

Did you? Say it again. Are you a slut, babe? You're right though. That leaning forward is... It's a terrible situation. I don't have a penis when that happens. You ever have sex with a girl that wants to do that position

where you're sitting up and she's... Oh, the sit-up? Yeah. And she like, you blow up, you're like... This isn't working. This isn't gonna work. It's not gonna work. One time, my wife wanted me to do it.

I'm sitting in a chair, like a stool. And I was like, why? Oh, a stool? Yeah. Yeah, it's a setup. I can't even sit on a stool. No. I hate stools.

I'm not built for any high-top chairs. High-top chairs are disastrous. So uncomfortable. Yeah. High-top tables. Why'd they do that? Girls like it, dude. Girls like lording over.

Girls love high-top shit. They walk on fucking sticks. And then they sit in... They're ridiculous. They're like, let's sit in chairs where our feet can't touch the ground. At all. Right, yeah. I'm gonna step off of those and balance myself on a popsicle stick.

All my tippy toes. I'm gonna fall. I'm gonna drink and fall. How much is it to get it in this place? $100? That sounds reasonable. Yeah. Do I have $200 to get it in this place?

Doesn't matter. It's not my money. I don't understand money. It's the circus, dude. 24-7. Already planning an expensive brunch for the next morning. That was one thing Biden and Trudeau were bragging about. They're like, both of us for the first time ever have half of our cabinets with women.

I was watching it like... Yeah. That's why Chinese, everybody's switching to that kind of thing. Like America's gonna have no idea what money is in about fucking five years. America blew $3 trillion on Edison light bulbs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. One asked, the secretary was asked, I don't know. I don't remember.

I got stuffed at the airline by a fucking fat black lady. Oh, yeah, with your bag? Oh, I got meta-line of scrimmage, dude. I got leveled. You got Gilbert Green. I got fucking clowny versus Michigan. I got fucking serious. I tried to ask a question.

Dude, so they lost my luggage in Wisconsin. Well, it was easy. I saw it coming a mile away. I flew from Harrisburg to Milwaukee. The Harrisburg flight got delayed. I flew from Chicago to Milwaukee, which is a one-hour drive. Kind of annoyed me. It's kind of a chill drive.

That'd be nice. It would have been very nice. The flight was delayed. I had to fucking switch airlines in Chicago. Americans switched me to United or whatever. As soon as they did that, I was like, there's no way you guys are going to get my luggage. I told the lady when she did it, I was like,

are you sure you're going to get my luggage onto the other plane? She was like, yes. Get, of course, landed in Milwaukee. The bag's not there. I go to the United desk. It was the black lady. She was like, your problem's with American.

So I went over to American. It was an Asian man who worked his hardest, worked his fucking hardest to help. And then he was like, but you can check with that lady. Now that you have the bag number, you can go ask her again. And I walked over and I was like, excuse me. And she was like, I told you your problem was with American. Oh my God, dude.

Just stuck me. You just left it at that? Yeah, I was like, well, you guys lost my luggage. I didn't even say it. I was like, OK, yes. Yeah. And there was no line. She was literally just sitting there.

Oh my God. There was no one around. I wasn't like, yeah. I had the opposite situation. When I came back from Paris, they lost my luggage. And it was gone for three days. And then I was in Detroit and I was flying out. And I went up to the lady on my flight out of Detroit.

And I said, I know you're buried in here, but is there any chance you got this? And she was like, honey, follow me. And she ran me down to some terminal and my bag was coming down. And she was like, is that you? And I was like, yes, it is. And then we did the hand tug.

And then she did a little worm thing on the way out. Oh. It was a big deal for me. Yeah, there is that version also. She was like, it feels good to help. You can get that version. Yeah. Because she's like, I haven't been able to help anyone

for a long time. But I helped you. Woo-hoo-hoo. There is certainly that version. Yeah. I've been mad with that version as well. Damn. But man, when they hit, when they decide to hit stick,

there's nothing you can do about it. Yeah. When they dig in. You're getting just fucking crossed. Yeah. They actually brought the luggage to my hotel room that day. They did. Yeah.

Oh yeah, that's pretty nice. I didn't know they did that. I was saying, I was like, there's a good chance to get it. I had to go buy outfits. Yeah, that's fun though. The outfit was sick. It's not fun. It is.

Because I got to go to the DXL and just be like, here's my card. Treat me. It's my glow up. I can't buy anything. What? I don't know. We talked about it last week.

I got a fucked up thing. And then of course this happened. Yeah. My exact nightmare. I had to buy a full outfit. That's how things work, dude. I bought vans. The outfit was sick.

The outfit was insane. The outfit was sick, dude. The outfit was, I just grabbed whatever I could. You went to Zoomies. I went to five different stores. Zoomies? I essentially went to a Zoomies. I went to like, well, it was either that.

In walking distance was like an untucket, which I went into and tried. Two women were there helping as hard as they could. And they kept bringing me like beige sweaters. I was trying them on for them. I was like, I don't know if this is going to work. It's like big body baths. Oh, it was tough.

And then I finally went to Zoomies. I bought pants, vans, and a vans t-shirt. The shirt was a skeleton, like a grim reaper in front of a clock. And it was like, it's revenge time. You wear that on stage? No. I thank God the fucking luggage got there. I thought I said it's strange times.

No, it said revenge time across the top. And at the bottom it said what a time to be alive. That's what it was. Which I actually didn't mind, because what a time to be alive. Not only Drake, but I was watching best sports calls of all time on the airplane. Got me emotional.

It was very fun. And one of them was at home running. And the guy goes, what a time to be alive. I bet the band was on the field. The band was out on the field. Tiger Woods Chip. A lot of horse racing calls, which are great. That's weird.

He runs for history? That's great. When you're in Toronto, did you link up with a certain person? Drizzy Drake? Yeah. No. I was so close. Yeah, I know.

And I was so close to maybe getting an invite from someone that didn't happen. You think I would invite you to hang out with Drake? No, I was hanging out with Drake. There's O'Connor Wood though, because I was talking to Chris. You are scum, dude. Just saying. Go through me.

Did I try? You scum. And then I get no response. I was doing a show. I made time. I was also doing a show. Doesn't feel good, does it? I didn't bother you while you were doing a show.

I didn't bother you either. I said, oh, my friend's in town. Can I come to the Drake party? I didn't ask that. That's girl stuff. I said, hey, Shane, what are you doing, buddy? Maybe we could chillax. We're up in the same city.

Oh, you're going to go to the records? Yeah. Wow. Can you believe this? I think it's going to be like six unanswered. Yeah, it probably will. From you. Go to the tape.

When was it? Oh, wow. So how many other people are there? You didn't even ask me. I didn't ask to go to Drake. I would never. You go to Drake? O'Connor was like, hey, we might be making up with Drake.

And I was like, that would be cool to be invited. You didn't ask me anything about hanging out. I did too. No, you didn't. What's going on? Are you staying in Toronto tonight? I said tomorrow. Okay, excellent.

I'm at the Royal Comedy Theater. It's bleak. The next day in Texas. Easy. We don't have editorialized things. The owner here is a fucking... The owner here is a retard. Hey, you got enough openers on the first show?

I said too many. I got three. I wish you would have asked yesterday. Oh, then what did I say there? And then you said I felt bad about asking. Then I was like, if I don't ask, maybe you'll think I'm a dick and don't like him. I've been fighting a private war in my mind about it. You understand.

I do like you and I hope you have very good shows. I said, I totally understand. What a nice text to receive from someone. I totally understand. I like you too. I think you're very funny. You said, I knew you would. You're the man.

I have to do this fucking midnight show now. So, not sure I'll see you at all. Then you said, hey, I'll make time. No, that was... Oh, you didn't say that? The next text was a picture of you and Adam Egett when you were in Austin. Oh, yeah. You did not ask.

Otherwise, I would have said, yes, definitely come hang. We were just at a bar. I don't think so. Absolutely. I would have said, come hang out. We're at a bar. Real loggerheads here. No, we're not.

That was the... That was it. We have no proof. Anyway. Easy. Yeah. So, I'm at this comedy club. It sucks.

Everybody here sucks. My openers suck. I didn't say that. The openers were quite nice. But no, we were close. Because Druski was in town. Who's Druski? He's a comedian.

Yeah. That is friends with Drake. Whoa. He was in town. And I knew I could finangle my way into there. Mm-hmm. I said, what if I can get to Druski's show? I know.

I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know.

I know Druski's show. Yeah, if you would have gone in. I know Jersey Drake is going to be there. Yeah. Sure enough. Drake. They were like, yeah, you can come over. And then Drake showed up and they're like, eh, we're pretty busy.

It was like, fuck! It's the orgy. It was the orgy. It was the orgy. I sat there in days in. They were like, we're not going to hang out with Drake again. O'Connor posted a photo of like a cool, like upstairs ballroom area and it looked like it might be Drake in the photo.

And then he took it down pretty quick and I was like, if they're hanging out with Drake right now. I didn't get the invite. I'm going to be really wounded. Let me tell you. Okay. When it happens. Yeah.

I'm not inviting anyone. Okay. I'm going to. That makes me feel better. No one's inviting. Yeah. It's just you and him one on one. I'm going to.

It's just going to be me and him laughing and having fun. Dude, I listen to you every day. He's going to be like, that's so sick. You listen to me all the time. You guys on go-karts. It's going to be so fun. It's just a montage of best friend in the batting ages. It's going to be unbelievable how much Drake definitely likes me.

He's tying a tie from behind. No. I'm going to go up and try to shake his hand and get pushed. Like five security guards. I don't know. What if he's a fan of yours? He's not. You don't know that.

He could be a shaniac. Guys. Drake's not a shaniac. He might be a shaniac. He's not a shaniac. He could be. He's a Drusky head. Wow.

If you're a Drusky head, you're also a shaniac. True. Yeah. Who's going to step up and take his place? He was like King Alpha. Drake? Yeah. Drake was like the king of the culture.

He was like the king of modern pop culture for a while. Yeah. Forever. It's for sure. For a while. For longer than anybody. Toongee was ahead of him, dude. Yes.

Toongee was him and like Nicki Minaj. Toongee brought a lady with a humongous ass. Yes. And then Lazarus. Toongee brought Nicki Minaj and Drake. Lazarus, Drake from the wheelchair. Yes. Rise, dude.

He came and they were at the top of everything and then Drake became the top of everything. And now who's going to hit the top? Rise. Someone's going to hit the top. Who's going to be? There's, there's young dudes doing it now, but I'm too old for them. Yeah. They're all.

I hate them all. True. Ya know. La Mer, who's number one right now? Rapper? Yeah. Or who's like a young cool guy that's going to take Drake's? I don't know.

There's no one. I think it's Playboy Carti actually. It can't be. I think that's the guy. So, you guys are going to start dressing like vampires? That's the bank guy? No, I'm thinkin'. Is he a vampire guy?

Playboy Carti. Kind of he has the red hair, like he's kind of white. Right? Yeah. I'd like Michael. Michael Strayham. Sounds like the culture is slowly shifting. Yeah.

It's an Ouroboros. You wore the mouth this time. He's so scary. That's the guy? It can't be him. Why is he so scary? Man, I think your view, your vote may be a little bit skewed. That's the guy, huh?

Man, you're just predicting anime black guys are taking over. That's the guy that only makes- Anime black guys are kind of taking over. That's so sick. That is triangular. There's a little loosey bird. It's got to be a- Yeah.

He's an anime black guy. Well, it has to be some of the girls like, too, because girls love Drake. True. They do love Drake. That's to unite the- Especially if you don't know how to do it. Yeah. He's a-

Well, it has to be some of the girls like, too, because girls love Drake. True. They do love Drake. That's to unite the- You're too genderless. He's got all Jack and Gro beer, too. Oh, I loved when he did that. I was like, oh my God.

That's so cool. Drake's so fucking cool. I'm going to do that, too. I would think about doing it all the time. Yeah. You could grow my shitty go-tig. You could just look Arab. Just become a Jacked Arab, man.

I want to wear those flowing white gowns that Arab guys wear. You can do it. You go to Dubai. You can wear it. I know. I want to wear it here. You could- You could do that, too.

I don't think so. I'm mad at me. I've seen white dudes do it in West Philly. There's this white guy who went full Muslim. Was he big? Was he ample? Pretty big, bro, yeah. If you're fat, it looks insane.

It's so silly. Nah, it looks sick. You look fucking nice. No, he looks- No, it looks gigantic. Yeah, like billows out. It's even better. You look like a lighthouse.

It sucks. Your stature increases. Yes. We should switch to the patch. Where are we at? Now we're 34. Oh, I like it. Sam, you're so good.

My man. You're so funny. I love you guys. You're the best. I'm looking forward to this. Sorry I bothered you guys so much. I always have these schedules. Oh, these, dude.

No. Hey, can I say something? Yes. I have a podcast called Chubby Behemoth, which I've never plugged anywhere because I'm the worst at it. But listen to that if you enjoy this kind of humor. Yeah. And also, Philadelphia, I will be at the Helium Comedy Club on April 19th.

That'll sell out. I hope so. There you go. Yeah, get on that, guys. Yeah. All my dates are at samtalent.com. Hell yeah. Oh, Stress Factory, please.

New Brunswick this weekend, please. Yes. New Brunswick, New Jersey, get the fuck out there. I added a bunch of shows yesterday. Oh, you did? Dude, when you post that and then the next one is they're all sold out, I get fired up on here behalf. It makes me very happy.

Dude, I love to see someone funny when it makes me very happy. Thank you, Sam. Oh, dude, because you see all these people post dates and then the next thing they post, it's like it's sold out and it's like, I would bury your ass. Yeah. You don't want to follow me, but yeah, it's nice when someone good gets it. Oh, update for me. If you're in Boston, April 7th and 8th, I'm gonna be a hideout comedy, please.

Come check me out, dude. Yep. Then for comedy works, April 13th, Houston, Lafayette. You gotta check out Guard Dog's new pot. Yeah, dude. It's all the rage. The super ultimate audio visual experience. Suave.

I like that name a lot, dude. Thanks. It's very postmodern. Yeah, I like it. It sounds like a translation of like a Japanese game show in English. All right. That's it. We'll see you on the Patreon.