Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 437 - We Got Guys

Episode Date: April 5, 2023

Support the D.A.W.G.Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod Go See Matt Live @ mattmccusker.com/dates Go See Shane Live @ shanemgillis.com YO. We're back with another episode of Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast! Just the D.A.W.G.Z. this ep and boy is it hot. Please enjoy. God Bless.  Support the show and get 10% Off with the code DRENCHED at https://Lucy.co Support the show by going to displate.com and use promo code DRENCHED to get up to 27% off your first order. Support the show and get 20% Off and Free Shipping with the code DRENCHED at https://Manscaped.com

You're a good guy. What the fuck, dude? Oh my God. What the fuck? That was crazy. They've been lashing out. You guys yell at each other. Lemaire lashed out at me earlier. What'd he do? As soon as he came in. What'd he say? I was saying, where's Matt?

I said, you're his assistant. Where's Matt? He said, sorry, I didn't get fired from SNL. Whoa! What the fuck? Why are you abusing? I don't know, dude, I'm sorry. I apologize, I think. You've lashed out at me.

I wasn't trying to be like a dickhead. I thought it was funny. I thought it was funny. To be fair, Trump's got like ten dudes standing outside the place. You should be standing there until I get here, dude. It's all clear. It's all clear. We were in Denver.

We were in Denver. We had fucking security at our hotel. Did you? So much. So the first night I was going around asking all the security guards, I was like, is this because the Golden State Warriors are in town? Are the Warriors standing in the hotel? And they were like, we can't tell you.

We can't tell you. I was like, fuck, it's definitely the Warriors. And then we got back from the show and they were like, you can't go on the seventh floor. And I was like, damn, the Warriors are up there. I'm going to the seventh floor. Get up there, there's just secret service at the elevator. You can't be up here. Who was up there?

And I was like, is it the Warriors? And they're like, yeah, it's Dreymon Green. And then the doors closed and they laughed. They laughed out. And they were like, fucking idiot. Dreymon has secret service in the elevators. It was Jill Biden. It was Dr. Jill. It was Dr. Jill? Yeah. Dr. Jill was in Denver.

She had secret service? Yeah. She was upstairs banging the secret service. That's a little secret rumor, anyway. Oh, I heard about that. I heard about that, too. There's a little rumor. I mean, to be fair, I'm not going to indict her over it. That's kind of their job, though. That's their job.

Secret service job is there to pleasure high power ladies. You don't have time to have sex with your wife when you're running a country. Dude, I'm not going to be able to stop watching this. I know. I have to turn it off. Is that him? Is that him? I can't tell. No, when he comes out, the place is going to go nuts.

Yeah, it'll be cut. I mean, God, they're just holding up the whole TV on, like, shots at the street. Just waiting for Trump dog. All right. On some bullshit, dude. That got me fired up, dude. I was full Republican this weekend. Yeah. As soon as they...

I was going at... My manager was in the green room. This weekend, I was fighting her the entire time. You were acting. I was fuming. I mean, it is fucking nonsense, dude. I haven't been following it at all. I didn't even know he was actually... When they say indicted, I think... I thought that means, like, when they serve you. I don't even know what it is. What's good?

LeMair needs his telephone. LeMair needs his telephone because he wants to watch the stream. He wants to watch the live stream? That's actually a good idea. Then you can tell us when he's being arrested. Oh, I like the background. What is it? What is your background?

Oh. That's cool. It's a quality assistant. You're going to be a Monica Lewinsky LeMair, dude. I might. Stick a cigar in LeMair's pussy. Oh, my, dude. I might put him on security detail, honestly.

Although, his fly... He's been making show flyers. They've been fire. LeMeezy? Yeah, LeMeezy's digital grab. He's a man of so many talents and he hides them. Can you do video editing? No, not really. He'll whip something together, perfect. Can you do this?

Yeah, he was on the road talking about coding with me. The boy can code. Yeah, I'm telling you, man. He's a wonder king. He's a genius. He's a wonder adult, dude. He is a wonder king. He's a wonder adult, dude. Wonder kind.

Yeah. I had a light. It was like an impromptu semi-security experience this weekend. I had to take a shit, badly. And I was at the stress factory. They owned the pizza place next door. So I was like, there's people coming in. I'm like, is there another bathroom I can hit up?

And they were like, you can go to the pizza place. I'm like, sick. There's a pizza place and there's a bouncer too. They all came. They opened a side door to a pizza place. It's torrential rain. And it was just for some reason, nothing but an Asian lady pizza party in this back room.

So I opened the door. They hold the door open so they just get hit with Gale Force wins. You had to come in and take a shit. So I just sat in the toilet and took a shit. And then they walked me back out through the party. Oh, no. They sat and waited while you shit.

I told Brittany to order pizza. So she ordered stuff and then they just chilled and I took a dump and I got back and they're like, all right, we'll take you back. I knew how to get back. I was laughing so hard at being like. Security detail. Going back through an Asian pizza party.

Like. Asian pizza party. Dude was crazy. I opened the door to just nothing but a bunch of Asian ladies getting just like crushed by wind. And they were just sitting there like walking surrounded by people. Yeah.

It was the wind of the gods. I had to take a shit. There's 220 people out there. This is fucking awesome. No paparazzi. I have to shit. Please. I felt like I could have just walked over. No pictures, please.

I don't know why they did that. That was very intense. I knew exactly where the place was. We'll see if we can let you in the side line so that line gets that bathroom is lined up. I was like, I got to go now. Green room's tough placement too. Dude. Green room's crazy.

It's like being in like the back of a suburban with somebody. It's like the drunk. Was Vinny there? Yeah. He hosted two of the nights. Yeah. Dude, he was killing me. Did he run the light? No, he did. It's common misconception. That's what I'm saying.

Because he goes, how long do you want me to do it? I said, do whatever the fuck you want. Maybe he's aware of it now. That was a long thing against Vinny. That's what I thought. He would always host and do like a half hour. He would do another 20 in between. He was bing-bang-bang the whole time.

He pulled pranks on you? Yeah, he's a big prankster. The first time I ever met him, he pranked me. I was hosting for him and he was like, don't do anything about race or politics or sex. And I was like, that's it. He was like, don't swear either. And I was sitting there and I was like,

I have to. He was like, I'm just fucking with you. That's hilarious. Yeah, there was another guy from Bridgeport, Connecticut. His name is Matt. He's funny. He was the host there. He came to a guest spot and him and Vinny had this

discussion of who would fuck up who. And he was like, I would fuck this Vinny. I would fuck him up. And Matt's like a, he's a bigger, he's a portly gentleman. He's a hearty fellow. He's a hearty fellow. He's a big boy. He's an ample man. And he's like, for some reason, he's like, I would beat your ass.

And they start going back and forth who's ass you would be. And then he told a story. It was just, I don't know. It's, it was, the story just made me laugh. I don't think anything of it, but it was like, he was like talking about his backstage of Robert Kelly. And for some reason, he claims that Robert Kelly was like,

I'd beat your ass. And Vinny was like, I'd beat your ass. And they had this thing with it. He like, that sounds very. He talks about Bobby. Everything I, every time, every interaction I had with this dude is the funniest dude in the world. Anybody saying that's funny. Particularly an older gentleman.

They're talking about beating people. He went from talking about beating this guy's ass to beating his ass. And I'm like, dude, what the fuck is going on? You can get Phil going on that. That night, I can get Phil going. After a couple drinks being like, dude, that guy would fuck you up.

Yeah, right. Two hits. Me hitting him and him hitting the floor. If Pete don't get you, repeat will. He's talking about beating up like Chris Webber. I'm like, dude, Chris Webber would beat your ass. That is such a fun conversation. But yo, he can beat your ass.

He's getting so going. Can't beat my ass. NBA players. Phil thinks he can beat. He's like, yeah, right. That guy's a punk. Dude, speaking of punks, basketball, you didn't see any of this. No, it happens. There's a race war going on

because of women's college basketball. If you're white, you support the white chick. If you're black, you support the black lady. What's the race? What happened? This white chick, Caitlin, from Iowa, she's dominating. Killing everybody.

What does she play? She plays basketball. What position? Guard. She's a guard. Iowa had a big lesbian down in the post. Just fucking physical

white chick. Imagine her groupies, dude. I could be reborn as anyone. It would be a female college. Just fucking stud. But again, I'm sorry. Power forward. One of the games at the end of the game,

towards the end of the game, in the game, that Caitlin scored and did the You Can't See Me in Louisville. For some reason, the girl from LSU took that very personally. You can't see me? And was mad at her.

She's like, I see you right there. You're right there. Don't play games. You didn't like that? So then during the game, at one point, they're next to each other on someone else's shooting foul shots. So the chick just keeps going like this to her. Fair enough.

Then at the end of the game, LSU was up 15. As soon as the buzzer sounds, that lady just follows her around, going like this for a while, and then started pointing like, I got a ring. The white chick was like, I don't... Why are you mad at me? LSU won the championship,

and when the buzzer sounded, that lady followed her around taunting her, instead of like, we won. Yeah, so what's the race for? Well, the guy from Bar's fucking Portnoy tweeted, he was like, classless piece of shit. And then everyone's mad.

He Kumi... Well, I wouldn't say... No, Kumi would've... Yeah. He's pretty active on Twitter lately. I've seen him. He shares a very specific... No, no, no. Kumi shares a very specific genre of video. He certainly does.

Pretty regularly. And when that gets in your algorithm, that's all you see. I've been watching him for three months now. I've been watching black people jump a white person. That happens way more often than you did. That happens a lot, dude. And then you think, man, if that was the other way around,

God damn, that'd be big news. But anyway... God damn, that'd be pretty big news anyway. He's been pushed into my like, suggested for you, and I always see it as him being like... Fucking wild. Look at this, imagine. This is a white lady getting hit by a black woman.

She's knocked out. I was like, dude... Yeah, no, it's tough. So he was like, classless. Yeah, he called it classless. He was in the heat of the moment. So the white lady hit her with it once, you're saying? No, the white lady did it to a totally different team. Oh.

I don't understand it really. Oh, she did to Louisville, yeah. She did it to a different team. Louisville State University. And LSU was just like... Yeah, yeah, yeah. They were hitting her with it. I think both sides have some decent points. Yeah.

If the LSU chick did it during the game, in the heat of the moment, yes. After you win a championship to follow the other team's best player around taunting them, is shitty. I don't understand what the... Yeah, it's just... I guess when somebody as big as Portnoy gets on Twitter

and calls a college chick a fucking classless piece of shit. Yeah. People, you know, they take homebridge. Oh, they were saying it was like a racial... Of course, it became racial. Yeah. Well, yeah, that's the thing. And now it's political. The lady who gave her this after the win

never got this herself. She just saw someone get this. Yes. And then she went, this is for her. Yeah, she's like, I'm defending Louisville. Yeah. Yeah. I hear what you're saying.

It's all meaningless. Yeah, it is. That's that bitch. Yeah. I'm mad. You were pissed when you saw it. Goddawd didn't like it. Yeah, I was pissed. When you saw her classless, you think?

I think that was a bit classless, yeah. They just hate to see a white queen shining, you know? And they like to. You think it was more... She was putting up... She was basically taking up for her people, basically, being like, don't do that to one of my babes. I don't care about it anymore,

I don't care about half-hour, I was mad as hell. Yeah, I got a little mad. It works. I might need the visual. You sure it would be like, what the fuck? You want to see it? I'll show you. Pause. Pause the podcast. Pause the podcast.

That was just big news, dude. I like that stuff. I do like that stuff. Yeah, resume. We're back. We're back. We're back to the criminal court. Trump still has not been let out. If he goes back in the winter. Should we go down there?

Should we go down there and make some noise? There's people making noise down there. There's some patriots down there making noise. Yep. God damn. Trump Tower, criminal court. But yeah, I saw that was... You know what? That was poor sportsmanship.

We can agree. That was poor sportsmanship. That's all. I feel like after you score a point, you're allowed to do whatever you want for three seconds. After you win, it's like... It's time to have sportsmanship. After you win a championship to go around and follow the other person and...

Even hitting them with them once is like fair enough. You're talking shit on the game, like bam, blah, blah, blah. But I don't know. She also did appropriate that. You have to understand. Caitlyn Clark did appropriate that. And she should be probably kicked that way. What? You can't see me? That's a white.

Why people started that? Yeah, dude's John Cena, dude. Yeah, Tony Ayo started it. Get on the mic. Tony Ayo started it. You can't see me? Yeah, Tony Ayo and Lloyd Banks. That sounds like some of the black people made up. Yeah, you can't see me. It does sound...

No honkies don't even think about it. See, the black people are like four-year-olds. If I can't see you, you can't see me. Yeah, it didn't sound like a white linguistic turn of phrase. Dude, I'm full red-pilled, dude. I'm so red-pilled, dude. I can't believe they're arresting my president. It's fucking that lady's fault.

That basketball player is so happy right now. It got to me. Did it got? Yeah. It got me. I was taking a shower the next day. I was like on stage. You know what? Maybe I have a fucking Republican. And then the next day I was in the shower and I would tell like, Jesus. This is how it starts, dude.

It's really how it starts. One news story gets you. And it breaks you. Yeah, dude, I got fucking severely weirded out. I've been off the weed for a while. Like minimal, if any. And the other day I was like, spitting long enough.

It's Sunday. I got the kids are down. I'm going to take the dogs for a walk. I'm going to hit my little volcano vape thing a little bit. Just take a walk. Dude, I have periods in my life where I can't smoke weed. It fucking spins me. Was that when you and me were texting? No, no, no.

I walked outside. It was nice out. And I was just going, there's a little more than I thought, I guess, and I went, all right. I might just go with it, dude, no problem. Dude, I don't know what I saw all the people. So I walk, I have my dogs walking outside of Rose Park and I see everyone in my neighborhood. My neighborhood's like mostly

it's it's Democrat. I was like looking at it's like kind of more like upscaled Democrat type of thing. That's like my neighborhood affiliate. And I in my head, I was laughing at the playground. I went, the demon rats. And I started like just kind of laughing. I started laughing myself.

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What? Please don't come to my show at the stand. It's tonight when this is coming out. Thank you very much. Get in the camp. Don't put it on the goddamn... Displate, Ed. Alright, go ahead. Throw it in. This is a fine print from Displate. No, dude, shut up. My show is tomorrow at the stand. If you can come, I'd really appreciate it.

What's the date? What's today, the 6th? Oh, no. Is it the 6th? I don't know. Today I think it's the 4th. Oh, it's the 5th. You have a show April 5th at the stand. It's coming out today. When you're listening to this, it's tonight. If you're listening to this, hurry up.

Rush down to the stand Comedy Club of New York City. Please come. Thank you. You were saying tomorrow I didn't want people to get confused. It's today. It's right now. Right now, as you're listening to this. And ShaneMGillis.com. Not Shane Gillis. That'll take you to Dan Souders.

But also, check him out. He's the best. They got me a couple times. I'll be honest. That's pretty funny. Thank you. Back to the show. Yes. Damn, he's rolling up like that. 25 cars. He rolls deep, dude. I mean, dude...

What are you even doing at this point? Like, what are you getting done in the day? Do you have like 14 cars following you? Like, how do you do anything? I mean, besides obviously make history. He just chills at Mar-a-Lago. Yeah, true. Here's the bros outside with machine guns.

Look at that unit cop over there. Dude. Holy shit. That guy's like 6'8". You see the video of the guys who held the dude down on the platform in Philly? No. There was a guy shot someone on the subway. And these two dudes held him down the whole time. Until the cops got there

and they wrestled him off the L or whatever. Nice. And, dude, they're holding him down. The cops ran up to him, are so fat. Dude, they literally waddle. It was insane, dude. It was fucking insane. Yeah, it was like two...

One guy came, he was pretty fat. The other guy held his belt and literally... It looked like he should have been on bed. It was insane how fat these dudes were. There's another fat fucking cop. Bro, they're from Tony. The bros are... What are the cops doing, dude? They eat the worst food all day.

They really do that. A lot of them get jacked as... They're like dudes who are jacked as fuck, too. And then you sit on your ass for like 12 hours a day and you're munching unbelievably because a lot of people give you free food. And then you get a call and you have to sprint full speed.

You ate an entire meatball sandwich and like 4 cups of coffee and then you have to break out into the fastest run. So I'm trying to catch the fastest dude of all time. Who's running for his life, dude. But you do have like 25 dudes,

you can call it. But yeah, dude, it's fucking if you're running as fast as you can. Dude, I went on stage full this weekend. I do it all the time, dude. It was fucking terrible. I do it all the time. In between shows, they got us tacos. There was just a buffet of tacos. Dude, I was like, what's this?

I'll try this one. 10 tacos. I went on stage like... Look how beautiful a green river is. Oh my God, that's crazy. What the fuck? What?

Why does it look like that? I don't know, dude, New York stinks. That looks... That's like when they die the river from Chicago for St. Paddy's Day. It really does. Goddamn. Tell me Trump's not going to get to clean up the rivers, dude.

Trump's needs to get in to clean up the beautiful rivers. Let's just take the green die out of the rivers. What do you think the demon rats are doing? They're dancing in the streets, dude. They think they got them. They're loving it, dude. Can you imagine if this was Hillary's Arrangement? That'd be pretty fun, dude. I get it.

I see why they're excited. It's so fun to see your political opponents getting arrested. That's the best. Dude, this is my spin-out. This is the start of my spin-out where I'm walking. I see these people playing. I go, the demon... I'm laughing at myself going, the demon rats.

That's so funny. It sounds so dumb. You know when your high things seem so profound? I was like, oh, this is what it is to be polarized. And I went, Jesus Christ. There's dudes that have really completely different world views right now. And I go, wow.

And I started thinking about how everyone is making basically their whole sense of reality. Birds pick up trash to make bird nests. Everyone's sense of reality is just scraps of just bullshit propaganda. Dude, I was walking by this park. You were absolutely right. I was freaked, dude.

Everyone's world views are just scraps of trash propaganda and clips and shit from TV that's completely far off of reality. And everyone's basing their life on it. I was going, Jesus Christ, why do I do vape pens, dude? I shouldn't have done this. I shouldn't have done this. I drank my way into a full Republican in the green.

Did you really? Are you trying to help me? Just my team? They had to just stomach me in the green room for like two straight hours. One of the people was like, they banned to kill a mockingbird and

the diary Van Frank in Florida. And I was like, I don't know this story, but no, they didn't. I guarantee you they did not. And then we looked it up and there was an AP article right away that was like, there's a fake list of books that are banned in Florida. Really? So what did they say?

They kept searching on their phone. To find it? They were like, nah. All right. So you were doing battle? I was doing full battle. Really? Yeah, I couldn't stop. So you got stuffed and did battle and then went out and did a show?

Got stuffed, did a show, came back. Well, I was doing battle the whole time. I was doing battle, launching. So you went to the General's tent? Yeah, back to the General's tent. Got painfully full. That way I was angry for the next debate. Yeah, it was

kind of embarrassing. It's in hindsight. Pretty fucking embarrassing. How are people feeling about the fight? I think people didn't like me. I think people were mad at me and they were going, dude, please shut up. The demon rats were upset.

They couldn't handle it. They have to be nice to it. So I was just getting drunk being a Republican. It is funny to be like, what do you believe? Yeah. As soon as I went to the Green Room, I was like, what do you believe? One of them was she loved Prince.

I was like, Prince is overrated. They just happen to be a Prince record in the Green Room. I got to play. I go, oh, this is good, I guess. Oh, man. Oh, no. Yeah, that's fun. It was a good time. The podcast spread was nuts.

God damn it. Well, there it is. Yeah, this is bullshit, man. They're driving through New York. It's pretty good. How are they making a whole fucking day out of this? You're telling me there's nothing else going on that I might need to know about

rather than watching nine SUVs driving a road. I don't know. Pretty cool. They're in like a pattern. It's pretty sick. Look at that, dude. Cool. Dude, there's an ambulance behind him for some reason. How much did it cost to rent

all the police cars for one day? He might undertake her out of that ambulance. There's a fucking school bus? Dude, he's just got every municipal vehicle. That's his lawyers. He's got a fucking Giuliani on a school bus. Oh, my God.

Dude, did you see the fucking brothers got out? The brothers that attacked Justin? Tate brothers. Tate brothers are out. I watched the brothers that attacked Smollett. What? They did like a breakdown interview of how they did it. It was pretty funny, but yes, the Tate brothers are free.

Tate brothers are free. Again, same thing they're going to do with Trump. That made me like Tate. I was like, free my man Tate. He's out now, dude. He did a video of himself just walking. Smoking a cigar. I was like, I don't know.

I literally watched the video. I was going to say it to you. I was like, this would piss him off. It would get me very angry. Sam got me pissed off this weekend. You would have appreciated it. Sam talent was doing. He was opening and after the last said he did,

he got down when he shook my hand and goes, that's how you do it. I was literally like while the crowd was like still clapping for my intro. I was like, Sam, stay there. You motherfucker. I was like, hey, whoa, it's good to be here. It was very funny.

Sam was excellent this weekend. He's extremely funny. The whole theater. That's his neck of the woods out there, right? Yeah, he's from Denver. God damn it, dude, that's what's up. He hates you as a that's how it's done. Yeah, that's the funniest thing he can do.

He also was selling his book in the lobby, which he didn't run that by me. He didn't run that by me. I told him, I said, man, the first show he finished and he was like, I'll be out in the lobby selling my book after this. I was like, next time ask. I'm going to tell him no.

You're not allowed to do it. I'm going to tell him to box up your book. Shut it down, run a school bus in five SUVs and pull up and surround them and indict them, dude. You're actually loitering and you're not allowed to do that. I might pull up to Mechanicsburg like this. To my parents' house for Easter.

Five SUVs. Dude, you need the school bus. A school bus is nice, dude. You'd have to get like a Penske truck, a school bus. Five SUVs minimum. I mean, Trump has 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. He might have 10 SUVs. What in the fucking world?

Do you need 10 SUVs? Unless they're like decoy stuff. Like, why would you... I mean, I'm trying to... Obviously, the guy has a lot of stuff going on, obviously, dude. I guess if he gets attacked, but it's like... He's here. He's always...

It's easy to find. This is what emperors in ancient times would do. They'd have the most elaborate things. You can get rich enough to be like, dude, this procession. You just get into processing. He's fucking sick. Shut down New York.

It's pretty wild. Jill Biden had the most security I've ever seen. Really? Yeah. All the dudes nuts were drained. She was upstairs servicing the service. The true secret service. Ask them if it's the Warriors.

They're like, yeah, it's Traymont Green. Get the fuck out of here. Yeah, it's Traymont Green, dude. I was like, damn it. I know you're going to humiliate me. You have to be a dick about it, dude. How fast... It's not illegal to run past those guys, is it? Like, as fast as you can.

Like, guys, I'm just fucking kidding. Why are you guys beating my ass? I was kidding. Yeah, walk up to me. Just kidding. I had a jump on you, though. Dude, I told you when I was a little kid, I tried to grab a cop's gun.

When I was a little kid... You acted on it. You actually thought everyone has when they see it. I was a little boy and they had a cop at it recess for some weird school thing. They said like an officer friendly thing. They're chilling outside and I went to pull it out of his holster from behind him

and he hit my hand and he was like, what are you doing? Don't do that. But cops have a dual release. I didn't know that. If I got the gun out of his holster, that would be funny as fuck. And he was pissed. He could have shot me.

He could have fucking shot me. Could have John Wicked you. I remember thinking as a little kid, this is funny. Snatch a cop's gun would be so funny. If I popped it out of his holster... Not as dangerous. But I was a big middle finger guy for a while.

You can get a result out of people. You can get a reaction. Out of cops? Everybody. At the car window. Did anyone ever come up and tell you? Yeah, people would immediately. I told him before it sucked.

Thank God I was with my uncle Neil. My parents were completely freaked out. Backseat of the station wagon? All the facing backwards? It doesn't count. Nice try. You thought you got me in trouble. Have you got a school bus fired up? Any time soon?

School bus? Have you pulled up behind a school bus and got the kids fired up? No, I like it though. I had them going not too long ago. They hit me with finger and I started laughing. They hit my finger back to me. They go... That's fun.

Getting the school bus hype is one of my favorite things. Fatwap security guards. Yeah. Dude, this is crazy. The motorcade's out of control. It's just like... I mean, this has to cost the city like 2 million dollars.

Yes. Now every single person's late for everything. Some guys just getting stabbed. Yeah. Oh my God, dude. Damn, hitting with the wave, Trump dog. Look at my brother wave. Sick.

He's looking good, dude. That's a good gait. Yeah, man. Dude, how do you even wake up for such an epic day? This is so fucking epic, dude. He gets up, snorts his fucking 30s, pseudo-feds or whatever.

That guy was going wild on those things. What if he's doing like shaking big meth, like that shit you shake up and show at a soda bottle? Be sick to show up for this. Show up for this. That's it. He's inside. Now he's in the hands of the demon rats.

He's in the courthouse. He's getting arraigned. I thought they were going to get him. Now he pulled up, dude. That's how he pulled up on the courthouse? One, two, three, four. That's at least 12 parking tickets. It's a major league swag out.

Oh my God, dude. So he had to call the city and be like, I'll be in the city today, shut down and then you see that and you go, these guys don't like collude on anything and have weird shady businesses. Dude, they called someone and he's like, yo, I'm coming, block all the streets.

That's crazy. What's like the permits for that? If I want to call my mayor, I'm like, yo, how much would it cost me to block entirely block Broad Street? That would cost millions and millions of dollars. Yeah, they're going to charge. They do that shit for like filming.

They'll shut down a block and I think it costs a lot of dollars. Jesus Christ. That's just my knowledge. Yeah, I bet it does cost a lot of money. That's why they don't, they do it like in Philadelphia instead of New York. Well, there it is, dude.

We watched it. History. We watched history. Slice of history, boys and girls. Guys, now let's get down to business. Let's get back down to the brass tacks. Me freaking out at a playground. That's nice, though. I was going like, dude, Jesus Christ.

Get it together. Not the men. And this is like a kind of a weirder thing. But then I started, I didn't realize how much I do this, but like when I'm out, I'm not sensitive to it unless you're like, it's kind of stoned. You walk by people. I have like almost like a mental reaction to every single person I see. And it was like, I started being like, holy shit.

I've not even like a social anxiety thing. Like I saw a dude's kid kicking a soccer ball who was like probably like five and you know, they kind of like stunk. They didn't kick it far. I was like, it went through my head. I went, what the fuck is wrong with you, dude? That's nice, though. You're proud of your kid.

It was kind of funny. That's what I started being. And it was like, but I started becoming hyper aware of every reaction I was having to every single person. Why do you, I hate weed. I hate weed. It was crazy. I was losing it, dude. I got, I saw a, like a Puerto Rican couple who were wearing like cool denim jackets. You were like...

Well, here's the thing. I was spinning on every single person I saw. This was a Puerto Rican couple in like cool denim jackets with like cool hairstyles. And there was a part of me that went like, I mean, it must be cool to like be part of like,

I was calling it the culture in my head of like, you're involved in the culture. And I'm like, they have a tiny little slice of it and it's got to be enjoyable. But I was like, if you get too close to the epicenter of it, you're destroyed. When dudes try to take too much of the culture I was telling Britney this and she was like,

don't tell anyone this. There's dudes get greedy and they pig on the culture. And I'm like... I'm with her, or my king, my queen. You've gone too far. Beauty at the Beast. On the beauty, she's the beast. You've gone too far.

But there's a part where I think it becomes all, it'll just be completely consuming. I was like thinking about how they were on like the comfortable like periphery of it. And I'm like, that must be pretty sick. And I started thinking of dudes who try to like completely get to the epicenter of it. They got in the head in a nightclub.

That's what I'm saying. There was a guy recently in Chicago that got shot. Lamar, did you see this? Have you heard about this? Yeah, this rapper. He returned to the scene in the front. He was in the guy he killed the blood taking pictures with like money as a phone. He got shot like an hour later.

They're like, oh, there he is. The ops got him. My whole point was that like it does when dudes try to like get like, the cowboy from Westworld is like, I'm in the game and it becomes all consuming and like, dude, it's like, I was thinking of that kid too.

I saw the same thing of like I'm the man, I'm it and it was like just, I'm standing in my enemies blood with $40,000 and it's like, the whole thing it began. I'm not trying to say, I'm not trying to say I'm shitty. He's standing in my opponent's blood. But it does become like a perversion, it becomes like crazy.

I got like real geeked on that. And all the comments on those tweets are like, it's like a game. Yeah, they're like emojis. Bull guy. They're like, dude, bull guy, clap back. The quick clap back. His ops must have been an Amazon Prime.

They're so fast. Yeah, people enjoy it. It was uncomfortable. It was very, I was like, dude, it was just nothing but a walk, a four block radius of me just going. And then they're seeing other people and be like, god damn it, why do I react so viscerally to everybody I see? Yeah, I'm pretty aggressive towards, like, in the airport.

I'm furious. The entire time, dude. I don't move. If someone's walking like a dickhead, I'll hit them. I'll shoulder someone's book bag or someone's bag hanging. Like, learn how to fucking walk in the airport. God damn it. That's what I was tripping on about the level of inner battles

you have. I'm furious every time I'm in an airport. And I'm in an airport constantly, dude. Every time I walk through, I'm like, fucking dumbass. Learn how to fucking walk. Don't stand on the fucking moving. Don't walk, get out of the way if you're going to stand. Yeah, it's not a good quality.

I'm going through a phase of life where I'm allergic. I get mentally allergic to weed for stretches of a couple of years, and then it just wears off. Right now, I tried the baby-est amount, and I was fucking spun, dude. Fully spun out. I got a weird, I was walking past. There was a lady with a ball or something,

and I'm like, I let my dog pee. This is what I do, too. I let my dog pee on a little young sapling. I was like, hopefully the pee doesn't fuck the sapling up. And there's a lady, she just looked over casually, and I'm like, if that lady says something, I'd be like, yo, shut the fuck up. And then as I did that, I got intense deja vu,

and I was like, did I dream about this? And I was like, I gotta get the fuck out of here, man. I gotta go back and stuff. Yo, if she says this, I'd be like, yo, shut the fuck up. I'm going to go fucking wild. It's funny, too, because you're like, I hope I'm not wrong right now. Maybe I'm in the wrong.

If somebody even says anything, I'll go nuts. I did that for like, I just couldn't stop. And I used to do it way more, and I've been doing it less. Then I got high, and I got in my head, and I was realizing how much I like, these thoughts, like, I was like, these might not even. Dude, I maintain eye contact with people at the airport. If someone's walking the other way,

I'm not looking away until they look away. It's fucking crazy. It's so bad. That was what they stabilized me, because I looked at every single person. I'm like, oh, these guys are all just having this psycho. But my whole, not even epiphany, it was like, oh, this is an inner life.

I'm having an inner experience, and I'm like, so is everybody else, and everyone's is completely out of control. I went, uh, this is for the dogs. You said you'd make eye contact. I'll make eye contact with them. Come in this way, if I'm going this way. If they don't look back, I'll be like,

that guy's probably pissed. If they never look back, I'm the only one doing this. That's a fucking psycho move, dude. That's not good. This is actually kind of embarrassing to talk about. It's kind of really funny. It's crazy. That was my whole point, though.

Everyone does. People are like, and that was the thing when I was walking out. Because then I think Spud called me. I'm like, what's up, Spud? I'm talking to Spud. No problems. I'm like, oh, this is what happens. People are left to their own devices.

I get nuts, dude. Then you start stewing in your own juices, and it's just like, what is that lady thing? And if you're talking to somebody, damn, that lady's fucking caring. Bitch. She's not even looking at you. Dude, it was insane.

It was purely fucking insane. And I started just thinking, those dudes are so lucky to be able to take a piece of the culture. I was thinking, well, it looks so fucking fucking so cool. I wish I was wearing a full denim outfit. Denim outfit with a cool head. No one bats an eye at it. Fuck.

If I were a full denim, people would get out of the way. This is something's going on here. This is schizophrenic, man. It's like the coolest haircut imaginable. Yeah. That would be, people would be like, this is dude. Yeah. They just started to be like, this is crazy.

Yeah. What is this new phase? What is this new phase? Who's this young billionaire? Yeah. We were getting, we ran into some tough home braids in Salt Lake. Were you there?

No, you weren't. I'm at the airport when they carted Kyla. Like, you can't sit here. It's like, dude, she's obviously, she's not fucking 20. Carted? They carted her at the airport bar, and then we're like, sorry. And they were like, your license has expired. We can't, like, you're not allowed to sit here.

And I was like, that's ridiculous. That's crazy. And they're like, do you want me to get my manager? And I was like, yeah, please. And then the manager came out and was like, we need valid photo ID. I was like, she just got through TSA with this ID. Can you give her a fucking drink?

Or let her at least sit here and not drink? They're like, no, she can't sit at the bar. Yeah, please, please not. Please not have a fat dude with pleated khakis with flour all over him. Please no, don't get your manager. But then, yeah, yeah, my worst nightmare. You want me to get the manager?

Yeah, please. Oh, yeah, for sure. The only reason I thought that was, there was a cool white guy with a cool haircut. He had a cross shaved into the back of his hair. The Mormons out there, the LDS, they love it. Really? Yeah.

You can be a cool Christian out there. And coffee, don't forget. Yeah. They can't have coffee either. Unless you're a, what is it called, a Jack Mormon? Yeah. Jack Mormon, then you can kind of just be a bad boy. Enjoy all that good, pussy.

It's a pussy. Being secretly pounding coffee and being a Mormon would be so tight. Yeah, but they'd pick up on it. You think they'd get you? Yeah. I'd get busted in a second. What?

I understand a word! It's three o'clock in the morning. What the fuck are you looking at, bitch? It's three o'clock in the morning on my phone. Like, don't worry about me. I'm not on coffee, honey. Dude, I abused the coffee on a Friday night. I drank it before shows.

I never do that. I abused the coffee. Did you have fun on stage, or you fired up? Fucking blast. I had a blast. I will say I had a blast. You might get to do a abused coffee. I had a blast all weekend.

I had a blast, and I didn't do it the next day. I was still fine. But yeah, dude, I got home, and it was like, I was like crackhead shit, where I couldn't sleep until like four in the morning. That's also after a show, too. Yeah, it was. After a show is tough.

It's tough to get back to bed, you're sleepy. Yeah, after you had so much fun. Dude, I literally did have so much fun the entire weekend. It was the best. Some dude, on the last night, this guy, he was talking. And I was like, in the front row, and I was like, what the fuck? I'm like, dude, I started to give him the high eyebrows. Like, what are you doing, dude?

Yeah. Fucking with him. And he was like, sorry, man. I'm like, well, what are you talking about? And he goes, dude, I definitely want to know. What are you talking about? And he goes, I was just telling my wife, you remind me a lot of my friend who just passed away recently.

Like, look a lot like him. And I obviously hit him with like, but that's me. Yeah, I'm back. Like, I'm back. I faked it. I faked it, yeah, literally. Yeah, that's fun. Kind of funny.

But then he was like, we did a big cheers to the, I was like, well, everyone cheers to his dead friend. We did a nice cheers to the dead friend. It was a very touching moment, dude. I got to make high contact with him. He was very happy. He was very pleased. That's nice.

Because I was like, what could be possibly more important? Yeah, what are you guys talking about? I was like, that's pretty important. You're missing your dead friend. My close friend had passed away. And he's like, you kind of looked like you were reminding me of him. And I was like, so touching, dude.

We all did a nice, he did all cheers to his dead friend. It was a good time. He got to stand up like, to Dennis or whatever his name was. To Dennis. How did he pass away? I didn't ask. I didn't ask, but yeah, I should have. I should have asked.

I didn't crowd him as much. You did the right thing. But I'm getting into the digger. Because that could be pretty, no matter what. If he's young, that's going to be a rough one. I know. I'm kidding. But yeah, that would be crazy.

So what happened? No, it was nice. It was like, I was enjoying it. The whole thing was a very fun time. It was a very fun time. And it made me happy to have, you know, like I had a nice, very pleasant moment, we had to do a big cheers and it was good. I had a good time, other than the tacos.

It was a good trip. Do you have people like yelling theaters at all and like heckle? Yeah, sometimes. That's got to be brutal, because you can't see. Sometimes, but for the most, it calms down in theaters. They chill out. Although one of the shows this week and the guy was just yelling podcasts, references, just totally out of nowhere.

Just be like, West Point, like, what? That got to me. That's the thing. Everyone's thought that just makes me so angry because I can't figure it out. Yeah, I can't understand the mindset of being in there. I understand yelling something dumb for sure or like screaming something. But like being like, I know the podcast. I'm going to yell at Mechanicsburg.

It's like, I don't. Yeah, it makes me mad to think about what you're thinking. There were somebody at every single stress factor show, at least one person that would like fully like almost stand up and try to talk. Yeah, it was insane. It was kind of fun. Yeah, that's the that is at a theater is insane, dude. Yeah.

To just be like, yeah, Wiggy Wild. Wiggy Wild. Like, yep. Yes. Thank you. Protect our parks. Yes. That's a podcast.

Just it. But the thing is, like, how long to do my art? How long are you sitting on it for? Or is it just a spur of the word? Yes, it's kind of funny, actually. Now I think about it. It's actually very funny, but it makes me so mad. I've been doing.

I'm telling you, I cannot stop battling Italian dudes. Not even performing the Italian region. That's what it is, dude. I need to get out of the Italian zones. I do. I think I think I'm out. I'm out. I'm out.

I'm out now. I think that was the last. I did my Woptor. But that was like down Texas way. A little Wops. Dude, they're they're just brutal, bro. The Wops. They might be the worst.

It was crazy in the crowd. They might be the worst. Yeah. No, it was it was first table I ever kicked out. Was Wops. New Jersey Wops. The Greeks. I've never kicked anybody out.

I was like, you guys get this table, this entire table. How's it go? Please leave. Yeah, it's a shame. And that wasn't like that fucking back room at Bananas. Oh, hotel lobby in fucking North Jersey. And that's a little Wops right next to the stage. Just fully just talking to me, talking to each other

and talking to me. The Roman legions could have all united too. That was a tough one. That was a room of Wops. I know. Yeah, that's where they hang out. So here's the bad Wops. Get the bad Wops out.

Yeah, the mafiosos. Yeah, dude, it was there was there was continually a problem every time. It was so bad that I was talking about how bad they were. And they was like, there wasn't any there. And people were just confused. What are you talking about? So you don't understand they're my natural enemy in this.

The Wops. The Wops. They are, dude. They won't stop, dude. They don't stand. They have to go like, OK, but OK. All right, keep it moving. Next subject.

I want to do this. And they might come up and there's a guy. There's also, yeah, they might take my ass. They might attack you. Yeah, it's very far. What are you doing? They're the Wops. They have brass knuckles.

Other jackets with weapons on them. My uncle gave me these. He was security for John Gotti. No, he wasn't. He worked at FudEx. Yeah, everyone's knuckles in the mouth. The mafia must be huge. Yeah, the mafia is huge.

Every Italian person I've ever met, their dad was a secret service. Truly a conspiracy. Yeah. Everyone's in on it. Yeah, but either way, it was, dude, I will say, I just. La Mer, I'm sorry. What's going on?

What? Are you high on pot? Yeah. God damn it, dude. What if someone had rushed into this room and tried to fucking kill us? You were making it. I wasn't making anything.

You've been up to something. I've seen it. I've not up to anything. You seem angry today. I'm not angry. I'm fine. You seem high in doing what Matt and I were just talking about. What?

Just looking at people being like, if he says this, I'm going to fucking do it. No. No, I'm listening. What's a really weird thing that you do internally? When I get high. When you're high on pot. Yeah, well, yeah.

No, I just lay down. Once the spiral starts to kick in, I lay down and I'm like, all right, dude, you're fine. You're in one place. That's nice. That's actually awesome. I can't do it. You're in one place.

I try. I go, you're fine. You're laying here. Yeah, I lay down and I go. I'm like, where am I laying? What a bum, dude. I'll get fucked up. I'll be like, this beds made out of particles.

What the fuck is that? So am I. Oh. Trying to grab my wife. There's so many times at night, I fucking grab her. Hugging someone helps. Dude, hugging someone. Do you actually love me?

Tell me I'm not an asshole, right? It's not true. The meditons are wrong, right? It got like a lot of karma, actually. There's not this comments. Imagine when you see a lot of uploads around, then you go, there's a lot of guys that think this. Why is there so many fucking uploads?

Someone gave that a silver coin. I don't know what that means on there, but it cost like $3. They really meant it. It's funny. It's not going to pay three bucks. It seems to be like, yeah, fuck him. Yeah.

Yeah, that'll get you, baby. She'll spin you. I hope Trump's not getting shot by anybody in there. They can't, if they shoot him, it's... I mean, what do you think about DeSantis? What do you think DeSantis is doing? Do you think he's kind of like nice, nice, nice, or is it like... I think it probably fucks him, unless Trump gets arrested.

I don't think he'll get arrested. I don't think he'll get arrested either, but yeah, probably hurts him. He was already pulling behind Trump, though. And he's getting in trouble for... His indictment galvanized the Trump supporters. I think so. And it's also for... It's hush money.

His crime was using campaign finances. He can pay people out of your personal stuff to not say anything, but you can't use campaign finances. I think that's it. But they, I don't know, they haven't announced it. I guess that's what today is, the arraignment. Yeah. You know, they tell you what it is.

Yeah, I mean, that's... Which seems like they should tell you before you get arrested. Oh, like what exactly we're going to do? Yeah. Yeah, what if they hit him with like war crimes? Yeah, yeah. Put me a quanta on him. Yeah, the one guy who didn't start a war.

I know, I know. Like war crimes. Yeah, like one of your drones blew up a fucking school and you're like, oh, it happens. That'd be fair. Yeah, if they put him in for that. As long as we get everybody that did that? True.

As long as we're being fair. True that. I don't think we're being fair. See, I'm back, dude. You're back in. I'm full Republican again. I mean, dude, people say stuff about my Florida head all the time.

Like, you know, like Florida. Like, I'm always like... Oh, Florida? Like, yeah. Like you're racist. Yeah, like something's going on at the fact I'm wearing a Florida hat. Yeah, Florida, well, they're doing a good job

of demonizing Florida because that's where DeSantis is from. Florida fucking rules. Florida does rule. Florida rules. Every time, I remember we went to Northwest Florida. They were like, this is the worst part of Florida. Remember we went to the, remember?

The Gulf. Yeah. No, no, no, not the beach place. I'm saying we did, when you were doing the thing down south through the Harrisburg Comedy Zone. Oh, yeah. Comedy Zone tour. Well, that's where we were though.

We were at... So we were around Emerald Island or whatever. No, we were at... The fuck was that place called? It was up there. Yeah, it was like north. South of Alabama. Oh, that's where it was, yeah.

South of Alabama. Yeah, we were close to where we were the second time. Shit ruled. Yeah. Destin. Destin. Yeah. Destin, yeah.

Every time I've been in Florida, I'm like, yep, whole state fucking rules pretty hard. Continues to rule. Rules pretty fucking hard. Yeah. I'd see dudes, when during the pandemic, we went down there, I'd see people yelling at each other in the supermarket about masks versus no masks.

Sick. Perfect. So funny. Yeah, that's cause they don't know, they can't operate computers. They have to do their Twitter fights in person. We have to go to the supermarket with a mask. They're like, take that off, fucking homo.

My son's gay. How dare you. I forced my four year old son to be gay. Because I'm lonely. Yeah, for real. It's gotta be sweet though. That would be nice. What?

Just getting like tons of fucking. Getting love, forcing your kids to trans. Yeah. Like my three year old is fucking, it's a girl. I knew it the whole time. Yeah, I knew it. He always wants to wear a dress. Is trans house in my proxy or whatever?

They say, quit crying, since he do some push ups. That would spill into munch house in my proxy. It is. It's like an intention thing. It definitely is. Yeah, it's like, yeah. God damn it, dude. A lot of it, obviously.

That's the scariest disease to me. Yeah. Making a kid be sick. God, I'd believe it in a second. All the adults were telling me. Oh, dude, he'd be fried. I'd be like, yeah, I guess I do want this attention. I don't wanna make my mom sad.

Oh man. I'm a girl. Yeah, true. I'm thinking of like being pretending you're sick. If you were kept in bed, what would you rather be? Pretend to be sick in bed or do you have to be a girl and like go out in the world and like kind of kick ass? Kind of kick ass, but every once in a while,

someone at school is gonna hit you with a real fucking mean bully. They're gonna risk it all, dude. Yeah. They're gonna risk a hate crime. You get expelled. I think you get expelled now. If someone were to be like, freak.

Yeah. You would get expelled. There's no way a kid's not doing that though. Doing a fucking. Kids don't have the fucking foresight to be like, I don't know. I'm gonna get expelled if I make fun of this kid. True.

I don't know why though. I think kids don't do that anymore. Could be wrong. I think they get the death penalty. I think that's why all those kids are in cages right now on the border. It's actually just kids who are in a tight chance. Yeah, well, that was good.

We gotta stop them. Those kids might. Those kids aren't gonna come out and be like, kids, stop it all. My child is a, my son wears dresses, you motherfucker. Lock him up. Lock him up. Put him in a cage.

I saw someone protesting the kids in cages recently. Good. There's like 10 people standing in the middle. Hopefully someone's still doing it. Yeah, fucking. Get him out of there. Are they still in the cages? I don't know.

Yeah. I think kids are in cages. Yeah, I don't think anything changed before or after Trump when it came to kids in cages. I think there's a lot of kids in cages. In cages, yeah. What a time to be alive. Yeah, I wonder what we should do to them.

We should free them ourselves. What we should do to them? No, I'm saying we should get out and free them. We should get out and bust them out. Yeah, break. Get out of here. Yeah. What now?

I'll be like, uh, help. I don't know. Help. God damn, there's a lot of people here. I don't know. There's a lot of people without. Maybe we should put them in a centralized place where we can, son of a bitch, son of a bitch,

we got them back in cages. Maybe put in some living walls or something, you know? Cages was a tough look. Cages was a tough one. Cages and fucking those tinfoil blankets. Tinfoil blankets, they're handy. Those are handy blankets. I wonder what those feel like.

Because it is a crisis. I wonder what those tinfoil blankets feel like. They've got a marathon. They give you one at the end. This shitty. They're going to need a body bag for that. They're going to give me a tinfoil body bag after mile two. Imagine rollerblading a marathon.

That'd be nasty. They'd be sick. They'd be so mad, dude. That'd be sick. Imagine rollerblading a marathon with a he-hate-me jersey. By the way, I would still lose. It would take me nine hours. And I would be close to the end.

I'd be with the people walking. I'd be walking with the rollerblades. You'd take them off and sling them while you're showing them. My legs would be shot, dude. That'd be impossible. Still rollerblading a marathon would be so hard. Oh, dude, full LLH. Bike, I would crash.

You could ride a bike 27 miles easy. I don't know, inner city? I don't know. That'd be tough. Although, they do block out the street. They block out the street. Dude, you rip on a bike. They'd be so mad at you.

Yeah. You get a little motorized, boy, too. Get a sick fucking mongoose, a small one. Stand. Yeah, that'd be pretty nice. There would definitely, if I had to ride a bike for 26 miles, there'd be three crashes. Yes, dude.

It is a crowd. You'd have to start a block of people. Puddles. Dude, you could be killed on. You'd be on your left, on your right, on your right. Making turns. Little bell. All the way around.

On your right. Dude, the people who do that on bikes make me. That makes me angry, too. I get very mad. On your right. It's like, just fucking ride around. Get a car, dickhead. Get a car, walk.

Yeah, that drives me nuts. Especially when people on bikes try to do, like, rules of the road, it's like, dude, I'm in a car. Just fucking get out of the way. Listen to me. Just try not to get hit by my superior fucking machine. Yeah, I'm in a car. You need to listen to what I say.

Yeah, dude. Imagine if a dude in like a wheelbarrow behind you was like, hey, man, come on, get the fuck out of the way. Buzz off. I hate this shit. I do like to do is that where. I might start doing, I kind of like, I don't know, I'd be getting jealous of this.

Do you have this in New York where guys wear full Spandex suits and like go grocery shopping? That's like the most, I think they're like. With the shoes. With those like cleats. Cleats, helmet. And then they go like in like a Spandex Tour de France outfit and go grocery shopping.

And I'm always like, by the way. Yeah. They have gay penises. Crazy gay penises. Giant gay penises. If you're in a Spandex suit biking. Yeah, and then you walk around the grocery store with your big gay penises.

Like, dude, get that thing out of it. My son has a gay big penis. You motherfucker. Son, look at his gay penis. Look at her as long as you can. I can employ you. Stare at it. You're a girl.

I don't know if that's bad, if we're allowed to do that. Are we allowed to make fun of those parents? Stare at it. Those particular parents. Not the real ones. We're talking about the parents that force their kids. Yeah, I'm for sure. Which there are those.

There are. Imagine like if there was like a psycho sports dad who did that same energy on their kid. Yeah, it does. It happens all the time. Shatters the kid. Yeah. You go, you're going to fucking play in the NFL.

Start lifting. Imagine it for like five. My son's jacked. My son's playing for the Ravens, you motherfucker. My son's. What does watching him type to strangers online be like, you got to get it back in there, dude. Thank God Phil was close.

He could have been that. Psycho sports parent. He occasionally would show up and watch practice. That's stupid. He was bordering. But during the games, he never. He would never yell one. He just sees as he stood at the top of the bleachers.

He was just invested. Did you? Dude, one time I got done my sophomore, sophomore year. No, this is crazy. I get done. I came down to the basement. Phil was down there and he like mutated the television when I sat down on the couch and he was like,

how do you think you played tonight? I was like, what the fuck? He's like, if you had to grade yourself, what would you give it? I was like, what the fucking B? I'd say D, but I was like, holy shit, Phil. That was the only time he ever did it. He was mad at how I played.

Yeah, that's the worst. That must feel bad. It's a sophomore. Give me a chance. Come on, man, yeah. It's going against Black Defense events. You're good. Just getting rocked.

I used to get picked up. My parents truly didn't give a fuck at all. But my friend's dad was like, he'd pick us up from summer games in summer leagues and fucking yell at us the whole way home. I'd just be like, man, what the fuck? Yeah. I would just sit in the back and kind of laugh and laugh.

Yeah, it's funny. I would laugh during basketball. I never took that seriously and I'd laugh. I got in trouble several times. Yeah. Coaches would just, you think this is funny? I'd be like, yeah. I wish I had what I know now.

I'd be like, yes, dude. Oh my god. You're 48. You're yelling at seventh graders about fucking B. The score was 12 to 7. Yeah, true. You loser. That is kind of.

You drunk fucking loser. God damn it, dude. That is like the darkest shit in the world. I said, dude, spazzing. Being a drunk fucking Pee Wee football coach. And spazzing. We had dudes that were like laid out, like almost crying. Am I like, yeah, the youth club football?

Practice. He'd be in four pads. Freak. Come on. Dude, we had a guy who used to wear shorts like 1970s, like tight, tight shorts to the top, little polo. And he would fucking freak out. And his son, he made his son the quarterback

in his son's top. They always make their kids, their fucking son the quarterback. It's crazy. My son's a quarterback. Dude, and the son was not a quarterback at my end, again. I don't want to go back way back in time and ball and trash this dude's son as QB. But he clearly wasn't QB material.

He's not QB material. I wasn't QB material. You were not QB one, but two. I knew I wasn't QB. You do have leadership skills, though. I don't give myself that. You're a bit of a leader. I could see that.

I give myself that. But that's more, I'd like to lead from the other side of the ball. I'm talking middle linebacker. You're a middle linebacker? You're talking about middle linebacker. I could see you with the cowboy collar, especially how jacked you've gotten later. You might look good in pads right now.

Get a cowboy collar. I'm more of a safety right now. I'm more of a safety. Before the snap. You'd be good. You'd be throwback, dude. No gloves, no wristbands. I wanted the cowboy collar so bad.

Coward collar is so sick. I got it in seventh grade. It was so fucking nice. God damn it, dude. Obviously, I missed weight eighth grade year. You're still out. Keeps me up at night. I missed out on that season.

We could have made it, dude. They lost the Super Bowl without me. I was just watching, just. Oh, no. I got to get big for freshman football, guys. Sorry. Can't cut weight now. Can't be down to 142.

I did the same thing. Yeah. I fucking. We need you big for next year, dude. Don't try it. Don't do it. How sick did that feel that summer? I used to chug gallons of milk on in freshman football.

And I was like, dude, this is so important. I thought I was going to the NFL. You have to understand, I really thought I was going to the NFL when I was a kid. Yeah. I was chugging milk. You were a locker. The summer, the summer I was going into freshman year,

I was waking up if I would go live with the team prematurely. I lifted as like a 14-year-old. I was in there with the football team. I asked permission to go live with them. And I was just chugging milk, sitting on my ass all summer and lifting with the team. Just chugging milk. Dude, I'm going to be in the NFL.

And I just got smashed. I was like, why are the linemen so big? It was just fucking, dude. They're big. It's not like when you're a little kid, whoever the linemen is just suck. Yeah. They're just everybody's small.

Dude. Whoever the offensive line is are the least athletic kids. Yeah. Yeah. And I was playing, dude. I was playing line, full back, both special teams. I was playing everything. You were a hitter.

I was. I was cautious about putting my head down. I was always smart about not hitting the head in people. I just liked, I like the clash of the scrimmage. But dude, I know it was a good play. Knows offensive guard, weren't you? Yeah, beast. How nice did you feel when you pulled?

That was my favorite. Pulling is so nice, dude. Pulling is so fun. Unless you fall. Like a fat idiot. Yeah, it's so embarrassing. It's so embarrassing. Paul, because somebody gets knocked back.

You just get tripped. Sometimes you're not looking. Then in DN comes, just cleans your clock. Yeah, you get hit. I did prefer blocking, hitting people, blocking to tackling. Tackling, I didn't mind, but I preferred just like really. Yeah, bam, and nailing someone. Blocking is awesome.

Pulling guard. When they used to pull me, I loved that shit. Traps, dude, it's so fun. When someone doesn't see you coming, you get to just level some dude. That's so fucking sick. Such a cheap fucking shot, too. It's just somebody getting through the line like, oh, I got through.

This is great. It's nailing. Then you get to fucking hit him and go, I still love that. What's up, motherfucker? Dude, knowing the half fact. This is my field. Knowing the half. This is my fucking field.

Fucking. Dude, knowing the half fact was behind me, and I was fucking hitting him. So nice, dude, when you block, when you block and you see him go, bye, when you see him take it to the house, you're like, oh. It's the best. Oh, so far. Maybe football was so fun.

They're actually, I take it all back. They're so right. This guy was like, this is going to be the best shit ever. Come on. It was so fun. I would give anything to put the pads on and get out there with you, boy. Every coach ever has said that. You don't know how good you have it, dude.

The rest of your life is a fucking nightmare. I hate my fucking bitch, wife, God, damn it. I wish I was with you kids. Dude, getting fucked up as a coach and spilling the beans to the kids in the locker room. God, damn, the pussy you guys could get if I was in your school. What about this girl? You guys like her just curious?

See some of those cheerleaders. Those fucking cheerleaders, they're growing up, huh? What do you boys think of that? That's my dream. Coaching would be so fun. My dream is, dude, obviously, I love being a comedian. Doing stand-up comedy, being a fucking comedian. But there's a part of me.

I have something in me that wants to be a coach. There's a part, I keep, I don't know what it is. There's a part of me that keeps wanting to scream to a group of dudes. We got guys. I can't even finish the sentence. I just know I want to scream that, whether it's good or bad. We got guys going half ass. Not full speed, we go full speed.

It's in there, dude, I want it so bad. You walk in your room at night times, no one's in there, it's fucking. Yep. I don't know what to say. Yeah, I don't know what to say right now. I don't know what to say right now, but I'm... Listen, listen up. I am so proud.

I want that so bad, dude. That's shit. Listen to me. I mean, dude, I can... I am so proud to be a comedian. I mean, dude, I can... I am so proud to be your head football coach. And then they all hug me. Oh, my God.

It's coming, dude. It's got to. I'm telling you... My second cancellation, I'm going straight back to high school. You have to watch the movie where the guy coaches... It's like based on a true story where he coaches his sons. He was an NFL defensive player. Oh, the... No.

The Salem... Sean Payton. Yeah. And he goes... Yeah. It was Kevin James, Sean Payton. Dude, the movie's good. I'm going to check it out.

I want him coming back to his high school team and he's watching. It's like son's team. He's like, what the fuck is that guy doing? He's like, I'm not going to say anything. He goes down. He's like, hey, um... Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's so fucking funny.

I was the best. There's a clip I have to show you. It's one of... It's a great high school football clip. It's from the early 90s of... It's this Texas playoff game. It's the semifinals. This team's down like 42 to 17 with like two minutes left.

They score a touchdown, but the radio announcers are from the team that's losing. They're like, all right, we got some fighting us left. All right, good boy. And then they get the onside kick, score again. And they're like, hey, we got... You never know. We got a ball game. Then they get another onside kick score.

They're like, god damn, we're right back in this thing. Here we go, boys. Get another onside kick. They're like, we did it. Oh my god. They score a touchdown. They're like, oh, the most improbable comeback of all time. There's like 10 seconds left.

They kick it off. The other team returns the kick. They lose. These dudes are like, oh no. Oh god, oh god bless those kids. I feel sick. I mean, it is. It is the most heart wrenching loss I've ever seen, dude.

You guys see it. These dudes, yeah. But that's when you go in as a coach. You're like, boys. Yeah, I love you. God damn, I don't care. You guys say I love you, dude. This goes deeper than winning and losing, dude.

You get real deep as a coach. Yeah. I love you, boys. They're interviewing the guy like 30 years later. It's still haunts him. Really? Yeah, he's like fucked up from it. They all are.

The one dude started crying talking about it. Oh god, man. That must be kind of cool though. You have a group of kids. You're watching them within a short period of time, like grow, learn things about themselves and all this stuff. It is kind of like. Become men.

You get to watch them become men. True. God damn, you're getting big. God damn. What the fuck? What you have this cowboy collar? You used to be mine. This is a cowboy collar.

You're going to look so fucking cool in it. You're basically going to be so cold, Steve Austin. Just write me letters. Tell me how old the pussy you're getting now. You're going to be so fucking cool out there, dude. You want to have a beer? I'll give you a beer. Don't you come to my apartment.

I'll give you beers. I mean, if you want some girls there, I understand. We can bring girls. Don't fucking tell anyone about this. Come over to my apartment. I have course lights. I have smeared off ices on chill. Fucked up.

I have an old N64. We can play fucking NFL Blitz, dude. I don't have any fucking friends. I love you kids so much. Who are you taking to the dance? What's one of these girls you're taking to the dance? She seems like a bitch, dude, honestly. The Emerald Catillion.

Dude, I want to go back. I want to go back and coach. I was just thinking about, dude, when you're like, it's spring. Actually, sorry, that's fall for football. But it feels like it's still warm out from the summer. You're playing the first games of the season. You're standing as a kid in football pads waiting for a kickoff.

There was no thoughts in my head back then. I was just sitting there going, I hope the ball doesn't go to me. Because the ball doesn't go to me first. It's a lot of pressure. But I can't wait to run or a kickoff, dude. I'm going to run as fast as fucking trying to fuck somebody up. Fuck somebody up.

I don't care who it is. I'm running into someone. I used to love that, dude. It's the best. There's a blur of the sidelines. There's a blur of people in the field. They're like, that sounds like my dad, all right. Yeah.

And you just go, I'm going to run as fast as I fucking can. Come on, Matt. Yeah. Come on, Matt. It's my mom. It's my mom. She's screaming for me. I vividly remember that.

You're standing. I hit a kid from the other school, so my dad's proud. Love that shit. I'm playing tough out there. I remember I get the big bumps on my arms and be like, fuck it, dude. I am going to definitely go meet the NFL. I'm going to play for the Eagles.

Obviously. Obviously. They're just one strong kid from the other school. I hated that. I hated those kids. Some of the bigger and stronger. The jacked kid from the other schools out there. Fuck, I got to block that kid.

Yeah, exactly. Matt, it's always nice. He's going to fuck me up. He's not my guy. And then you're going to watch him tear some of his time. You're going to watch him rip when your friend's head's off. Oh, shit. This guy's killing it.

La Mer, I wish you played football. You've been nice out there. I quit. I wish you hadn't quit. You would have been good. You've been a nice nose guard. No, I hate it running. Yeah, that does blow.

Yeah. That was the worst part. You've been a nice nose guard, dude. True. Yeah. Low to the ground, strong. Yeah. You've been a problem on the D line.

You should really fucking win. You would. Then if you drop enough weight, you'd be a fullback, lead block. You think you're full point. He's quick, dude. I know. He's got a four point stance. I'd like to see him in a four point stance, going forward, just diving forward.

Good luck. Giving centers hell, dude. You'd be like, as soon as that ball lifted off the ground, he'd be shh. He'd be under there. How do you feel about that? What's that make you think? I appreciate it. I don't know.

I just can't play. I don't know. I don't like the waiting. There's a lot of waiting in football, even though there's still like a lot of action. There's still like a lot of waiting. No, trust me. When you're on the field, you're very happy there's waiting. Yeah.

I can't wait to get the fuck off and get some water and sit down. Dude, this sucks. This hurts. This guy across from me is better than me. I got to get knocked out. Get fucked up by him for three straight hours. Dude, it's so hard. Yeah.

It's so fucking hard. You just get rocked by a dude for an hour and a half in front of your dad. Somebody better than you. A better man. I think that was one of the reasons I quit because my parents couldn't come because they had to work. So I was like, why am I even doing this? Yeah, you're not even doing it to make your father proud.

Yeah. I liked it. I liked it. My parents didn't come. I hated when my parents were there. Oh, yeah. I didn't like when they were there. Football was one thing is you couldn't see it.

Basketball was like. Basketball was so embarrassing. They were right there. They were like, dude, is there any more pressure as a kid than getting fouled? Going to the foul line in front of the entire gym and being like, please don't fucking airball this fucking thing. I've airballed him. I've airballed him.

Yeah, dude. I've had something to slam across the side of the back. No rim. Just straight backboard. People like, people for real, like audibly gasping. Oh. Oh. See, I've, I've touched, I've done it where I've touched nothing.

Like you just missed the rim entirely. Yeah. Hit the bottom of the net. Mentally fall out completely. You're like, you got to make a joke. You got to laugh. Four girls from our grade there and you go, the cheerleaders. Oh, you're red.

I turn red and I have my fucking places. One time I had to check in. I had the wrong jersey or something. I'd take my fucking shirt off directly in front of the cheerleaders. That's how you become a high school coach. Something traumatic like that happens. You go, we got guys out there and I know what it's like to take your shirt off in front of the fucking cheerleaders.

That shit sucks. It's, it's the worst day of your life. You're never going to recover it, dude. Cause you had tits in seventh grade. You guys think this stuff's imagine a lady seeing your inverted nipples, dude. Cause you had puffy nipples cause you were going through puberty and the girls didn't even know what that was. So they thought you had weird nipples.

Fuck. And the one girl that gave head was in there and you thought you had a chance. So she saw your fat nipples at the main street gym. It's all right. You got vinegar fries after the game and that was worth it. Dude, everybody saw your puppy nipples. Come in. Airball way up.

Get some french fries. Call it a day, dude. Back to the basement for Vigia games. Nothing can hurt us there. You have a fucking fun dip this. Full uniform. Just crushing. Trying to forget.

Just trying to drain out the pain. Fun dip. Trying to forget, dude. Of the eighth grade girls seeing my nipples. Where are we at, Joe? All right. Let's go. I got a whiz anyway.

Yeah. Guys. Well, join the patreon. I think we're just heating up. I think so too. Slow start cause the arraignment. I didn't like that. True.

I was mad. True. And I was mad at Angel Reese. I was mad at her. Nobody makes one of my precious Caitlyn Clark. My white queen. Yeah, true. Especially not.

This is a sensitive time for us too. The king of the whites, Caitlyn Clark. All right. Goodbye. Bye.