Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 438- Full Zordon

Episode Date: April 14, 2023

Shawn is out of town, hotdoggin on the Road. Lemaire is filling in...all the way in if you know what I mean.  Matt and Shane are two fully adult men. Though time has not yet claimed their minds or bodies. And so here they are yet another week, digging into the crevices of their depraved minds for your entertainment, to provide a temporary escape from your vaguely nightmarish life.  God have mercy on us all... 

Alright, Lamar you fixed the problem. Good job. Keep an eye on that thing guard dogs. The superstars already gone He's left our lives. I know he's already out big dogging on the road He's on tour tour bus dude because you know how sticky it gets he's on them big silver wings, dude carrying him across the country Yes, dude He's such a nice humble boy Every week just to tease him. So we're here with Lamar Lee the executive producer today the big big shots of the bigger shot Wow

You should have seen him out dude out in Boston way Lamar. I heard bro. I heard Was that your first pop? Yeah, I didn't I didn't really know what to do I actually said exactly that I said I'm sure when they did it he was like, oh, okay Hi, okay Yeah It's very funny. Yes, I gave him a I told the sound but given the songs is very fun I was like go pull up for Lamar I'll see pull up kiss by the rose at the most dramatic point. He walks up. It was like

I tell them every time when they're needs to come out to Simply irresistible he walks so artistically fast to the mic. I know there's no time it literally just goes simply It was the first time I gave him something but he was so fucking fast I didn't get to hear it. I forget what I gave him, but it was it was so fast It's like I asked him what you guys play it. Oh, yeah, we did but he was like right to the mic Yeah, he's quick. I said look keep it up turn it up and let him stew in it and dude It's like, I've been just but baby It was pretty tight he the mayor hit me with the fucking was that you with the NBC song

Oh, round ball rock. Yeah, that gets some people going. I come out to the NBA NBA That's kind of nice. Oh, I stand and let it play for a minute. No one everyone's like, all right Yeah, I think start the show. Yeah, come on funny music. You've found out several times It's only funny to us. I know I try doing like ambience. You're gonna have to like space lasers We get like barely here. It's like, what is this? I tell you about my death spiral. No, I'd like to hear it dude. I was doing a when I was I switched And I told you this I switched the order of everything. I was like, I got to figure out. Oh, yeah, and dude I order your set. He's got to remember it, you know, it's not it's not as like tight as it's

Fucking remember an hour It's a fucking time that's what makes sense to and it's like dude. I came out and just went I'm like, all right. I got this and I like two seconds in I went. What was that first thing? And I went, oh, why'd I switch everything around? I was just standing there going Yeah Yeah, you know and dude and people I was literally my body was like my body was like get off now I had to be like, no, dude. I can't end right now I I'm convinced that there's gonna be a point where I just have a complete mental breakdown and have to go

Hey, sorry. Sorry. It's just canceled. I gave you a second guys. I'm gonna go home right now My dad just died Have to go there's a family emergency my whole family just died You understand my family got hit with a bus full of gay kids Please don't fucking ask for a refund You understand goodbye. It's like it's one night guys. It's one night. Come on Dude, I'm telling you. I think I have vanquish just part of my brain But it goes back to you have the dreams where you come out. You come out. Yeah, maybe

That's what I was telling you. I was like, I'm in a good good spot. Yeah comments. Nothing's getting to me They get you next week. You'll see me like guys stop What the fuck guys every time it's like it's like the arm's race Do you think you develop like the mental structure to be like nah? I'm pretty impervious and someone crafts this brand new weapon. You go Mass casualties I Was watching one's a red a video and it was in the middle of it's just like hi Shane

No, it's just like fuck. I gotta stop doing this the videos. Yeah, they anytime. There's a comment that's like hi Shane Oh, yeah, I'll stop you in your tracks. Yeah, I go goddamn. They know I'm a fucking weirdo working on subreddits Yeah, that was fun. It was fun to overcome dude an absolute like Dude go leave you know, I get like full body waves of panic that just like start here and just go on stage I've gotten them before never before that bad on stage ever in my life but I got them before from like If I like mixed mushrooms with weed that I get hit with the most sinister

It was that level of like it's like it's like honestly like a demon passing through my body and I go Yeah, and I was able to stall then get my feet. I was proud of myself I had one like a month ago at the stand. I don't know why there was a girl in the front row and I said something making fun of her and she was like, oh great and I felt so bad And I didn't care but I'd my react dude my face got dark red and I started sweating like fucking crazy And I couldn't look at her as soon as she said all great. I was like looking at it. I was like Started staring at the ceiling the rest. Oh man. Yeah, I mean you're playing got off stage. I was like, it's hot up there, right? The host was like, no

Fuck dude, I think I'm dying Dripping in sweat Fucking on it like a ten minute set. I was covered in sweat. Yeah, it stinks man When you know don't grab face on stage an embarrassed face. You're terrible crimson dude. She's crimson so weird Dude, you're playing with like archaic Like biotechnology where it's like hi being in front of like 25 people your organism is going like or even if it's Yeah, I forbid it hundreds if not thousands your organisms going like dude. We gotta get out of here Yeah, this is why are all these people staring at us. They're gonna eat us get out get out your body's going no

Don't do this. Yeah, your brain goes back to me need to that's why it evacuates all this shit Oh, yeah piss and diarrhea before you go on stage dude guarantee can of snakes It is you sit down right before people are like dude. That was quick and I'm like, yeah Yeah, it's one spray of shit All right, let's go on stage part of me I have to spray a horrific spray of shit out of my ass physiology of a sick dog Tell just Yeah, slinking around the green room

Yeah, so man, you drop vicious diarrhea sometimes before you go on stage. No, I poop before I go home or before I leave the house Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah, I try I do too and then I go and I sit there and I go hold on a second It's like, yeah, hold on. I'm nervous. My stomach's upset. I think like a duck shit Granted, I just got done eating some buffalo bites I'm nervous Hey, I throw some dip in there. Yeah, true some skull that'll settle my stomach, but I was good It was good overall. I don't want to paint the wrong portion But in terms of an inner I haven't had that intense of an inner episode in a while and I went like whoa

That was a crazy arena for it There's all you know, it's only four. It's four seconds and it feels like 40 minutes and you just go like they know I lost my mom everybody knows I'm retarded. No problem. It was yeah, everyone in the crowd can see I'm a giant buffoon They're right. It's not that good That comment was right. I'm better at podcasting than stand up Dude Boston was pretty nice to you we stayed in South Boston. Oh, you're so healthy, bro. Dude, I was talking the whole time. I was talking about this Walking around. I was so tough to the whole time. Are you listening to dropkick Marius?

No, I should have I was just walking around. I was I was going back like pre I wanted to tap into like 80s Southeast. So I'm like no music. I'm walking around nice. The fucks its problem Yeah, you're like, what's that guy fucking Vietnamese? I was telling him. I'll get a mark I was telling him. I was high enough. It was like I saw an Asian dude. I swear Yeah, like don't dude. I'm Mark Wahlberg But dude, I was walking I was walking around being like dude this place is not tough like this place has gone soft It's healthy. Yeah, dude. It's been like really developed. I can't believe you're talking about sound I was dude. I was walking the streets just being like dude. I didn't see I didn't see a single soul

I don't think anyone lives there anymore. How does how does Boston get so many fucking movies? It looks every movies from Boston because it looks cool a bunch of white. That's actually I know the answer It's the last white tough city. That's what I'm saying. So white people. That's good for that. That's a big blockbuster Yep, white people love to see whites being tough. That's exactly what is a tough white place But dude, I was having tough white movies did great threes mouth just a white guy just like get out of here Get out of my neighborhood. I'm tough white. Didn't he stay there? Yeah, he was yeah He stayed and then they be fucking market marks bunch of Asians move them. He was like, what are you guys doing in my neighborhood? They're in there doing the math

Torino Dude, the I'm walking around is like I'm like I might honestly be the toughest dude here I thought I was you might be the toughest kind so dude. No, they have they got the bro They have the heroin bros kicking around they're hiding I went to a target and it was like ten o'clock at night and I was like alright I was like nine fifties. I'll get a couple things and leave they hit the lights. They just cut the lights Yeah, so it's like it's not pitch black, but it's dark. So I'm like, all right fuck. Let me get out of here I'm like pushing my cart. I'm like, they'll probably be like, you know

I was thinking there was gonna be like parents or someone there who like ran out of time getting stuff It's it was dude. It was literally seven heroin addicts In like just different shopping carts all like going about their business shopping, dude I was checking out and it was just one guy just being like, excuse me Yeah, that's a tough white dude. That was it was a It was a polite. It was a polite heroin addict. That's nice. It was kind of nice. He was like, I'm sorry about that He was completely just lost and there was a couple the whole time It's gonna be tough to be a heroin addict and still have like self-guilt

Yeah, like guilt and like aware that you're causing a problem intent He was intensely aware of the fact that his presence was a burden on but it was just because no I've never seen one that has that awareness dude the other two There was a couple who was a you know doing a girl the dude who's kept going like baby They'd the hair white heroin addicts talk like like 30s jazz musicians So smooth they gotta be babe. Gotta keep your baby in line. You can't be like baby. Don't worry. I'll get the juice for us, honey I now steal that We got a heroin out for

I'm gonna do some heroin in five minutes and she kept trying to pump up steal those dunkaroos That box of dunkaroos, baby Stole too many dunkaroos gushers They're gonna box 24 back at gushers just heroin They were talking about snacks. He's like they love snacks. I like the cherry ones like actually Let me see if I have any cherry ones. You like babe put this shirt on it looks so good on you You're wearing the shit out of this shit

They're like you're out and he'd be like baby It was the good Not from a collapse building after the building collapse They just wake up and start her pullover This Listen to their conversation was the funniest fucking things. I'm like, all right. I get out of there finally And I'm like now there's like the bros There's literally probably like 12 active like not an out fucked up dudes

One of them was just like torso in a shopping cart. It's like passed out, but it was crazy So I'm outside now I'm kind of like do you know one of these dudes because if one guy anyone who walked by him He'd be like what the fuck's your problem fucking pussy like you just talk shit to anyone So I was like he kept bopping around. I'm like dude if he sees me He's gonna say something to me. We're gonna. I don't want to fucking fight this guy So we're sitting there. I'm waiting outside. I'm like I call on me. We're like, oh my god You got like zombie walk past them. I had a dude literally

Pretend to be zombies. You gotta do that. You see one. You know, oh, it's the cops are right there So I walked out with them the cops the cops are sitting in coops I'm gonna go anything through there yelling at the pigs. Yeah, they don't like to fucking pigs Fuck you co-op the co-ops. I walked past here the co-op. I didn't want to be looked at as another heron addict So I walked back all upstanding. Yeah, hello, sir officers officers I'm just here to get stuff from my family and do you know, so I walked out So I was like, yeah, I should have zombie walked on a fucking fruit by the foot cops gonna stop us from getting the gushes I

Walk out the guy's talking shit to everybody. I'm like, I hope this guy doesn't say anything to me in my head I'm like, yeah, the caring guys like not like you're not scared of him But like you just don't want to touch them as you don't know. Yeah, like radioactive Like a dude nodding out in a parking lot. It might have you know Some sort of disease that you know, you know, you don't want to like mix blood. Yeah, so the plague. Yeah, literally They have old diseases. Dude, I know Diseases are back these guys ruined their immune system so much It's crazy I

Go out. I'm like this guy starting fights everyone. I'm looking I'm like, please don't please don't my uber driver pulls up old Asian man I went because this guy's like he looks over he literally sees the driver and goes It starts walking over the car. I'm going. No, no, no, dude. He walks up to the wind He's like yellow. I don't know what he's yelling something. He walks up the window and goes, okay, you're a good watch a good Do the Asian driver and I was like, damn that actually kind of fucking rules it okay You're good. What's in his face? We went to the way face to the window at Jurassic Park style, dude Like I thought he's gonna open the door

Fuck they're learning. I thought I thought he's gonna yell something terrible. Dude. He yelled that I went pretty funny Yeah, so then I I'm like, all right That's why you need a Tesla dude. They don't know how to open those true. Oh, yeah, tough doors I don't know how to fucking know I Look like an asshole every time I've got an Uber for those guys multiple times. I'm like pushing the door like Elon Musk rules and it's good at Twitter. No, that doesn't work They fucking yeah, the last thing you want is one of those guys Although that must he's obviously the Asian driver never heard little wing. He was probably like damn

I was pretty fucking cool. He was that guy just said it was pretty neat He was not have it's like a 55 year old Asian man who was almost you know, Like there's a dude who's like so old and very still linked to his like Asian roots when they talked to them It almost looks like it's just like I guess they don't understand language But he was like he literally just like looked at this guy yelling was like the most calm serene is There's no like what the fuck is this guy doing it was just kind of like it's a passive just Beasts pretty sick. Yeah stoic master. I think he just drove down from the top of a misty mountain and picked me up But then so I pull I got through my style like throw I don't load all my groceries in a trunk

So I like the guy leaves the Asian guide of like like a slow Mexican dude walked by and he just looks over him and he goes Fucking pussy and the dudes did he would stop I like sat there or slowly load them so I could watch He the guy at the Mexican guy would literally like what you know, if you like go like that to a dog He went be froze. He's what I fuck you man Then the guy would laugh though you fucking queer dude start fucking with this guy And he was every time you said anything to me go fucking man. Yeah, it's like Fucking man, dude, and it was such a delay that he'd be like, you know fucking pussy I'll beat your ass and he's stop and go

That fucking man and then like go about it. Everything you said the guy would freeze It was like a 10-second thought you go. I fuck you. Yeah, dude. It was making me laugh So fucking I couldn't get over how funny it was. That's his yeah Oh, it's the worst. Those are the worst one. Those are the worst homeless the ones that are just screams They they're always scream. They're in an argument With themselves. Yeah, they're always there's dudes all the time in New York They'll just walk past you like fuck that shit motherfucker. I told that motherfucker shut up bitch They're not on the phone. I know you got to walk by them like

Please don't make eye contact. Please don't fucking spit on me Yeah, told you my friend did the best thing ever when they were around a dude who was just completely losing it And he was screaming like locking eyes of people and he was like, yo, I'm sorry about it It was his fault the guy's like locked eyes with his friend. Oh, no, he's walking away and he was like He's like dude, it's his fault. Yeah, that would work There's the motherfucker. That's the that's the guy who's the cause of all my problems It was that that shit was so fucking funny of his watch. I'd never seen a target like that They got to be pumped for springtime. Oh, dude, they get like a month or two grace period here before it gets

Swelteringly, how the whole life makes sense. They get two month period where it's like your life makes sense If you get 24 pack of gushers, you just stole from CVS Little bag of that sweet stuff. You got a shirt go to the park. Just lay in the grass You don't need the park everywhere's the park at that point. They were they were they were camped out in the parking lot itself Yeah, so there was like, you know those strips of grass like when in like the parking dividers Dude, they had their hat the clothes hanging on like a little shitty tree and they're just laying in the grass Yeah, it was pretty fucking nuts. I never had a nice little tense tense. Really? Yeah One of the parks was just a fucking Hooverville at day. They're gonna tear it down soon. Are they really making legislation?

Everyone's excited about it. Yeah. Yeah, I get it. I'd be excited. But also like, what are you gonna do? Dude, you could buy a good dude all these people everyone keeps saying house the homeless and it's like Dude, you get you get a is it a bio dome? Like what are we working with here? We're trying to put them in a radison and like yeah act like them being in a radison is not going to be a problem Like they're not gonna you know what I mean, they I think they did that here I think they did that a lot of places during COVID. They were like just toss them the tail toss them Which doesn't make any sense. Yeah, I don't get it. Why don't I cover did we house the homeless? I don't know. Oh, it was because they were roaming around like going like two feet from people

That was when you really saw how much people care and I remember like, dude There's all these guys that stand on Columbus Boulevard and people roll their window downs give them a dollar During COVID the window is up and people were just yeah, they didn't get paid anything. I'm sure for money I mean, you know that the part of me thinks it's probably just we got some kickbacks Like we have a budget of ten billion dollars. We need to help with COVID It's true. We'll just say fill the renting the radison cost three million. Yeah, actually cost us a hundred grand True to keep that. Yeah, they kicked them back out. They're nice. Yeah, I think so. Yeah, they you could do it My thing is you could do it. It's like then what I mean, just maybe just give them some tube Tommy's ex lived down there

Oh, yeah, and in her like across the street from where they just turned it into the homeless Center of the city. Jesus. So like every day she was out there and like people were just screaming all day Yeah, you should I mean this is destroyed your house This is a tough take but it should be If you become like not like, you know, there's like when they talk about like housing insecure Only dudes crashing on counters is like bro. That's not to me. That's not homeless. I get it. You don't have a crib sucks But you're not with the bros, dude That's what I mean. I've heard before like oh, there's like a quarter of people who are homeless

It's like no not having a house sucks. I get that but like I'm talking about the true Dude, yeah, the true dudes who just walk around all day in a park and have not even an apartment couch to crack screaming Yeah, dude, those are tough dudes that let me do with them that level of homeless should be an exchange country exchange Yeah, we're just like yo, we hit you We could send him to Cuba. Yeah, we'll take your best Yeah, I'm saying we do a swap We'll take one of your best and brightest and you get like four dudes who are just gonna stand around and scream in a plaza That's like

What else? Well, you know, yeah, it's not a bad deal So you got to give these dudes just like a rice cake every day We'll take one of their kids into America and you'll have to now Just fucking you just heard like five homeless dudes. You're like a Filipino farmer, dude You have five get him out of the paddies. Yeah Screaming fucking imagine instead of waking up to a rooster just being like motherfucker It's time to get up. Yeah, I mean, that's not at the best taking the world, but no, I don't there's no answers I mean, it's up to there. That's the only real answer is like you can't sit. You know, you can't

Can't do heroin you can't do heroin. It's like an if adults completely lose the ability to care for themselves Someone's either gonna have to dedicate their entire lives to going through their assisted daily activities or whatever of living or Those dudes are gonna like fucking stroke out on the street because like yeah, it sucks when dudes lose their mind and can't function It fucking sucks. It seems to be what everyone's doing is just waiting them out. Yeah, they're gonna die Yeah, man, or they're or they're gonna figure out. They're not gonna die. They don't die. No, well, they do There's just a lot of them. There are and there's more. I think I might die and come back I think there's more every day. I think they die and I'm just like Well, they're gonna they'll probably figure out some sort of like drug to put them on to kind of completely like

Pacify them. I think that's gonna what's gonna happen True Everyone takes them out for a while. Well, dude, did you hear my fear? My theory right now with the heroin is that I I think the Drug companies are gonna lobby the US or whoever however that works. They're gonna they're taking out the cartels right now. I think the Pharmaceutical companies are start legalizing heroin in like ten years. Yeah, ten years. Those guys will have legal prescriptions. Yeah, so I Think like Pfizer's gonna be making clinical somebody just didn't you on just say that. I don't know somebody Yeah, it was like if we legalize these drugs, there's not gonna be overdoses. Yeah, well, that's we can They did it in England. They did it in England like I think like I don't know the 1920s or something

Or they like toss the bros you would come in for a prescription. They give you clean hair like safe heroin They'd what they like measured out for you. They beg our dude Did you sure you want to stop doing this and apparently it worked like really well? Hmm. So so they say in the book chasing the screen. Hmm, but yeah, dude I think fine. It's probably a good thing though. I think they're gonna lock up the cartels So aren't they already like locking those bros up right now? No, I don't know. I think it's very difficult True. I mean, it's a controlled the government. Yeah, true But if you I mean, it's one of those things you could pop it pretty easily. Yeah, be like especially if they're like, dude

It's billions of dollars. Yeah, you send in special forces to be like, all right. Yo, these guys That's do the United States military could destroy cartels in like two seconds At least I would think so. Yeah, but they think there's enough people in America making money off of it. True. Yeah, and The entire Mexican government's making money off of it. Yeah, it's tough Yeah, there'd be tough enemies to have to from a political standpoint lads. Yeah, the lads We don't want war with the lads dude. There are we're gonna need lads. I know especially China and Russia teaming up Yeah, what if we normandy China with a bunch of lads? Unstoppable. Yeah, that'd be absolutely unstoppable instead of fucking

CCR playing you just here fucking That'd be fun Hey, it would be you think you think I have a stronger military, Mexico. Yeah, there's such hard I mean, you know they get after they do they have some beasts they'd be but they all join the fucking cartel true All they're like heads of the cartels like security instead of former generals I Wonder I wonder if they'll pay them off. I wonder if they'll be like look you guys are not cartels You're actually production facilities

Pfizer's gonna control the distribution of all the world's heroin. I mean, I guess they would be like no Oh Can have a ball that's a hefe it would be awesome I think that's going to happen. They'd be like, all right. Nice. Now. We all don't die and go to jail Yeah, we'll just keep making heroin you get and then you could just like but they're gonna get they're gonna get hit with salaries They're gonna be like actually you guys make 60 grand a year. Yeah All right, well, we're gonna make it illegal or we're gonna make illegal stuff sell it cheaper I mean, they also might be like we'll make it. We'll make it elite. We're gonna make it legally and come down here

And I'll call my friends in the Pentagon. They'll bomb you guys. I Think again, maybe not but I have a feeling that's going to happen pretty dude It's billions of dollars and it's it's not gonna be hard in 15 years to legalize here It's gonna be actually probably really easy More and more of those 10 cities coming up that'll be some guys and I come up and be like we need to do something about this And this needs to be remain we need to do something about these homeless Dude, what's his name Pearson Pearson? Yeah, that's that's was uncomfortable, dude. It's making me uncomfortable Yeah, well, it was just fiend. I mean again

I this obviously sounds like bullshit for me to say but it seems fake dude. Yeah, the shots on six people You can you can kind of tell when there's no one attending a thing to the shot. You're like, yeah, there's nobody there I don't know. I don't know enough about it yet But yes hearing somebody talk like they're from the 60s. Yeah, it'd be like if there was a white politician now I say what we're gonna do? Hey, why are you talking like that all of a sudden kind of Leon bridge? Leon bridges a bit of a time capsule Who's that? He sings a He's like a black dude who sings like very soulful older R&B and that's the music's fantastic

Then you actually I saw an interview with him and he's like It's like he's from the 1930s. I got a van fleet. Is that is that that other band that just is doing Led Zeppelin I was like listen to it. It's pretty good that people get so mad. They're pretty guy. Like a lead singer is a lot and acquired And I'm gonna quiet I was hoping it was a girl. He's cute. Really. He's a little cutie. How new how new is Greta van fleet? I think they're old so they took they took the mantle of Wizard Rock basically. Yeah, they just do Led Zeppelin and kind of rush That's kind of sick actually. Yeah, it's okay. It's a Led Zeppelin cover band, but That's awesome. What's wrong with some more is that dude? That's what I don't get people still need to get there

I was saying I was talking to Billy about it. He was like fuck that. Fuck you that shit sucks They're just it's a Led Zeppelin cover band. I was like, what's wrong with getting more Led Zeppelin? Yeah, dude Now we get new Led Zeppelin get the lead out dude. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know I Like I like them the singer was and again I have to give it because like I like Neil Young and I know Neil Young's an acquired taste for people vocally So I can like I can get down with like an acquired taste, you know singer But she that I sucked on Bill's day I fucked his ass

What are you looking at? Let me see you like that boy. You don't like that boy. I see the face here, man You don't agree with my boy red event fleet. I Matt play we tried it. We both listen to it. Yeah, the third. Yeah, I Thought it was all girls. I didn't know That's cute boys. I had it had me and then that guy would sing again. I go fuck something Yeah, I liked it one day on a plane. That's when I was taxing. I was like it's good And then I landed and started listening to it again. I was like I was wrong. Well, dude I was talking to a Dude stand outside the hotel you're at it was like we were talking about Spotify you went inside and I was like the valet

Dude, and I'm like we're talking Spotify and I was like he was like I can't I can't listen to music anymore I'm like, you know, I have a hard time, dude I don't like now that I have total control over like what I can listen to whenever I get bored quickly Yeah, it's hard. The only thing I listen to now is this I listen to Shane Chilis playlist dude. Nice Shane Chilis is growing I can only listen to like a like Tronica pop All the Chevy Cruze all new Chevy Cruze the the McCuxtor was Matt McCuxer You gave him a cuxtor that was a whole new genre music. I didn't listen. I didn't ever listen to before gay EDM That's all I can listen to now

Rufus Del Sol just gay. Yeah, I put it on the morning and make breakfast my whole game music so nice It's the only music left. It's literally is I try to listen to fucking Like the Spotify new rap playlist and shit every song just blows. Yeah Getting old dude. Did you get into the Spotify de the AI DJ now? No Spotify has a feature where it's like hey What's up, man? This is the DJ and like you like I've come I've taken some of your blasts from the past combined I mean there's like a DJ that'll talk to you and put the other playlist So far it's been it's all right. Yeah, it's pretty cool. It's kind of funny though. It's like, what's up, man? I'm the Spotify DJ. It's just Josh out of Mars

Hey, man But yeah, dude, I am telling you reminds me that Canadian fucking. Oh you guys weren't there. What Canadian strip club DJ It's like, oh bud. Look how hot she is. No, it's what he did the whole time. What was the best that's the worst Yeah, it wasn't an American like come up. He was hey, dude. Yeah, give it up a little yeah This guy was literally just a Canadian bro. Just like boys. Look at her boobs. Oh, yeah What she's so hot boy. Look at all the naked ladies around here boys. He was horning out. It's awesome. Yeah, what occasionally you just hear him like Oh, yeah, so he was DJ and MC and he was MC and do Oh, yeah, American strip club DJ sound like they're like punching themselves in the nuts the entire time. Oh

Oh Boy, I gotta go back to the fucking gymnasium today. Do you really? Yeah, I'm not excited about it Dude, it is once you're there. It's the best dude. It's gonna feel good. No actually today's gonna suck I haven't worked out in like a month. Yeah, but still rocked dude. You feel so that's the only thing my body soar on a plane tomorrow I'm gonna have my sore ass in a plane for fucking six hours Yeah, I gotta go to fucking Vancouver. You're going to VC. Yeah, damn sucks far as fuck. Yeah, it's the farthest place ever Yeah For real it'd be like flying to fucking like Brazil

How far yeah, Brazil is about that actually. Yeah, didn't we get no didn't we connect in Vancouver first? Yeah Yeah, it was like a six hour fucking flight and it's like all right now We got across the Pacific Ocean. It's like fuck. Yeah, that was that was terrible that flight. Yeah. Yeah, dude was insane Told you I'd heart palpitations for like seven days afterwards. Yeah, that was a negative experience Yeah, dude, I'll show you it was sick, but that's like I was just dreading the flight back dude It's the jet lag coming back from there. I've never I've ever heard I thought jet lag was just a thing people made Yeah, I'd always like yeah, I guess I'm a little tired from flying back the only time the only time I get is a late show on the West Coast. Yeah, the first day. Yeah, when you fly out there, and then you're like, oh shit

It's 3 a.m. Back home. Yeah, that's why I'm fucking dead face feels hot shit. Yeah You heard it here first I do think Legal legal heroin legal heroin fies. Yeah, I think I think one of them is gonna control That'll be another billion dollar entry right now. It's the Vax's. I think are gonna be like they tried them dude They're killing my mom the Vax's my mom's still getting back boosties. She's getting boosts. Yes She I was like I told you stop the booster is like getting the booster is basically Comcast You're getting it for some reason because they still try they trust doctors like they you know, you would think they're right They go in the doctors like yeah, you could looks like you could use another booster. It's been three weeks

Once you shoot that shit back in I like talk to my dad like what's your cable plan? He's like it's like $750. I'm like dude stop it. It works for me. I just steal everything feel as HBO Max $400 There's no idea. I'm like, dude, you don't need it. He's like, yeah, but it's right there. You're flaky talk to my remote Yeah, I'm like and that never would they're like I feel he's baseball God damn it Comcast sports network

You requested Paul patrol god damn it. It's like an Indian spelling Interactive with technology they can't I'm I it's coming for us shortly. I checked out a while ago Yeah, I don't know how to do this Well, all this this is foreign. Yeah, it's yeah, I'm not operating on the mayor's level Well, mayor's a knowledgeable fellow mayor. I'd like you to get involved in this. I'm feeling a little sleepy I'd like you to tell us a fun story. I don't have any nothing crazy's happened. No, really nothing That's crazy. Just from your heart and soul. Like what are you feeling lately? Why don't you come sit over here? We got a monitor

Something fuck up. Isn't it good to go? I think so, but I don't want to stuff fuck up during the show No, but you know, I just don't want it to All right. No, it's okay. You don't have to do it. I Want the people to see you I like when they look at you You're a fun guy to look at we're all in our shorts today. Yeah, it's shorts time dude I'll be wearing socks sandals gym shorts and a baseball jersey the remainder of this this summer as you should yeah I was kind of do football season there. It's Notre Dame time. Yeah, lastly to come back out Dude, I got discombobulated today in the warm weather where it was just like just warm all of a sudden

I'm walking around. There's just like yeah part of me in my head I'm excited to get jock itch as I do every time it gets hot now. I said I hit the baby powder Yeah, I hit it early. I give you fucking nut cancer No way. They gives you sweet nuts. You gotta check that out. Really? I think they keep getting sued like every fucking week I thought but I thought just babies couldn't breathe it talcum. Really? I thought it was just cornstarch Mayor search that for me brother. Yeah, check it out. Look up Johnson and Johnson's a baby powder Yeah, it's just I just sprayed on my grundle. I forgot about this time Dude, it's like shards of grundle. Something's wrong with my ass and grundle. What's on there?

I told you it hurts. You're like the grundle has been itching really like out of control Oh, hopefully you don't have eczema, bro. I have bouts of eczema every now and again It took me forever to figure out what it is. Yeah, I'll just yeah, I'll be hanging out like before bed I'll just go to fucking town on my gooch. You might have the eggs. You might have some eggs Just listening to a book on tape about Adolf Hitler. I'm still listening to it How is it? I don't know I fall asleep every time so I'm just a bad guy It turns out he was not great Beginning of the book you're like, God this guy's on to something

You lost the plot I found the information they have a they recently settled for nine billion dollars for because their baby powder causes cancer all the baby powder does Johnson and Johnson Yep, I thought breathing it in was it was fucking them up. I thought there's like asbestos in it. What? Shit, I'll get off of that. I'll start putting cornstarch I'll have some tamales underneath my fucking grundle. Nothing we can do dude. I have I'm not gonna vase my fucking I'm just gonna keep doing it. I do tons of shit that causes cancer. Yeah How the fuck was baby powder? I mean maybe for babies No, dudes dudes nuts are getting fucking. Yes, you're getting not cancer from tossing baby powder. Oh, that sucks

That does suck. That's like the greatest feeling in the world. I guess I guess my nuts are sweating right now Dude, I I put it on this morning and I was sliding dude. I was fucking walking like oh my god I Was gliding this morning. Oh, that's a good feeling. That felt really good what I just did Yeah, aired it out having a little dick fan to be nice You heard us sheath dude a little just a little thing you put right here a battery power that goes right up the shorts smell the whole room up Make sure the room the whole room here and smells like not sweat

Maybe your dick has to sweat like that like you know like that's the argument against deodorant It's like your lymph nodes are all up here and your body's like pushing moisture out And you just literally it's like sealing a door. Yeah, you're sealing a door in your body And there's water that has to get out. It's probably deodorant. It probably is bad for people. Everything's bad dude. True Smelling like shit is also bad. It's way worse for your health. Yeah, true Now everyone doesn't like you and that has severe ramifications on your health Trust me. I know Why do they hate you because you everybody when you break out of the matrix dude? They fucking hate you dude

Everyone hates when you break out a fucking matrix We might have to break out of the New York matrix. Yeah, that'd be tight. It could be time dude. You could be We'll see Yeah, it could be we'll see Trill. Hey, dude Stay tuned. Gotcha. Go to Alaska. We're moving to Alaska. We'll be awesome. It's the new comedy hub Alaska Juno Just get ripped apart by bears Dude, I I was thinking about taking a speaking of disappearing my physical body. Yeah

I was actually thinking last night. I was stubborn stress, bro. I've been fucking well I understand man. So stressed, but I was like trying to see if there's amount of osemic You could take to just reduce 100% of your body mass. I want to take the new fucking fat medicine and disappear, dude Yeah, it reduces it doesn't reduce like bone mass zero. Yeah, I want to completely disappear Just get the mega shot of osemic and just go I Think you could do like shortening surgeries Like what like like a life like no, no, no, like

Take like giant chunks out of my femur and shin bone And start taking chunks out of my arm take some vertebrae's out I thought you're saying getting a life. No, you can get see if you can see if you can just eliminate most of your body. I Physical reduction I got my fat though. I had someone drill a hole in my gallbladder to reduce 10 years off my life My spleen ruptured. Yeah, I went out of the doctors they poked a hole in my head That eased a lot of my problems Yeah, I got bugged out the other day on that shit of what the fuck was I I saw I mean I saw the osemic that was one thing and I think it was I think it was just the shots in the osemic

I was there was the article and they were like, I mean, yeah, obviously people gain weight But it's not your fault. We're around all these high calorie nutrient or high calorie foods Sedentary life saw and I think they are really priming people to completely give up and it's be like, dude Sit down relax. Nothing's your fault. You have no power over anything. Just accept it sweet We'll take care of you. Thank you. Just vote. Yeah, I'm telling you it's coming. It's coming and it's like yes It's pretty understandable, dude. Yeah, by the time the time the Civil War does erupt in America Just the fats dude the fats the dude Dude, that's your machine guns. It'll be a charge. It'll be the first time in a battle. Everyone stops a quarter of the way and they're like

Moving Roman rates on just crossing the battlefield We lost an entire big eight Why Dude, World War three. I'm just the fattest dude Oh, I'm just my mobility scooters coming across the planes Evaporating it'll be Star Wars. It'll be fat dudes in the robots fucking attacking each other. Yeah I don't like it. I don't like where this country's headed It's dude. It's a it's a problem of personal agency

They're putting out like it's not your fault. You had no control You can't help it everything set in stone. I'm going like goddamn. That's so fucking dismal and bleak Yeah, that's the best part of being a human being. We're the only animals I can like hijack our own biology and fucking Get in there and reflect They're being like, no, that's not really a thing. You're you're you're predisposed to just fucking eating these snacks Yeah, I mean the snacks are good. The snacks are good made snacks. Dude. I'll sell them there up here I have more and more I have more and more empathy now or sympathy for like We're listening to hunter biden book him talking about is like abusing bottles of alcohol. Yeah every day that passes. I go

I can see why alcohol gets you I every day Yeah Every day that passes. I'm like rules, dude But yeah, you can't be drinking bottles of vodka in your garage But I get it dude I get it because they did what they did was fucked up when they tricked people with the one or two drinks a day or not Only safe but better for you

That is tricky dude because you can have two drinks and it's like yeah, you can not drink I know that's pretty good for you for sure But they were like when they did a study saying then what then what what do you want to live forever? Come on, man. Well, the arguments of that are If you drink you tend to be around people more and being around people actually extends your life So people were like, yeah, I should totally have Drink a lot and you're around the worst people And one of them stabs you

Yeah, I was uh because it is I dude it's it's It's very funny because you can be like Fucking I've taken up three beers every day. Yeah, and it instantly is it's like your whole afternoon morphs and you go This is great. It's good every single time. Hey, I don't have to pay those bills. Fuck them I'll do it tomorrow You wake up Dude, it's a strong. I'm like between the cell phone Of just giving your sister you can lose three hours a day when I was home. I went to my parents house on

Sunday or monday. Mm-hmm. I stayed on the phone. I was on my phone for a day. Awesome. No I had like a freak out It's crazy start feeling sick. Yeah start feeling very open an app close it open Go on the go on the like messages on instagram Close instagram open just regular instagram like it was nuts I watched the dude do that when I was flying I was looking over his seat That was after the travis scott incident and he was coming from what's it called? What's this thing called? The astral world he was all astral world it out and he was like on the phone like talking about astral the whole time

And it was kind of funny. She was like if you're not there, you don't understand He was like speaking up on behalf of astral. He was defending astral. He was defending astral world day after He was tired of all the hip pieces dude. He literally did I watched him going? Facebook email facebook email facebook instagram and just and I was like what a weirdo I catch myself doing that too. I do it. I just go dude. You're going I had to stop and ask myself like what do you what do you what is your goal right now with your phone? And what are you looking for and I go? I don't know. Yeah, just fucking Dude, it's fucking bad. Are you tossing you have the cell phone you're checked out toss in the osmbi cell phone

I want to look at it. I know dude. It's fucking. I want to look at reels. There's probably something new on there You haven't seen fun dog video dancing Dude, I go I get into it. I go I gotta see the news. There might be something worthwhile There might be something for me to you know, I need to know what's going on in the news Now the next thing I'm scrolling instagram ads being like Why is it on my feed? And I go where the fuck am I? It's tough dude tossing some beautiful babies

I don't have beautiful babies. Luckily. I I have essentially escaped that algorithm, but they hop in they get you They still because they my beautiful angels still show up. How do they find? How do they find you? I don't know. I'm usually watching dog videos and they pop up dogs and horrific accidents But then sweet billy was said he's been falling to the beautiful babies on billy's whole algorithms that his beautiful babies Yeah, man, but that's what happens a beautiful baby comes up. You go. What the hell? I'd like to look at her profile You cut the profile now you're locked. Yeah. Yeah, you're a man. You know what that's like Yeah, I thought is I went to my reels the one time I thought there was just going to be beautiful babies There was no beautiful babies at all

That was the time I had to go get my Penis checked out by dermatologists So I figured I'd look at some beautiful babies in the waiting room. Oh, you want to get a little blood going little blood flowing Yeah, I didn't find any beautiful babies. Then they're like next they call me back and went no I have the smallest penis on earth. That's why I'm here dude. I the smallest leprosy penis. Like what's wrong with your penis? There's a rash on it and it's it meant it's so small. I should make the rash I've been shrinking my penis and something's gone wrong I shrunk my penis

People usually gasp when they see it flaccid, but now it just looks like this tiny little kid penis on an adult's body And I have pimples on my belly I Fuck can you help that Fuck yeah, it was the worst dude It was so and I'd been there before for a penis rash So I had to be like hey, I swear this isn't some weird kink I have like it's actually a weird rash I'm not going back. I'm done. I can't go back. You can't you just gotta let your penis rot

Oh, I figured out what it was now Well, they she did diagnose it the beautiful angels did diagnose and cure my penis out out of pure mercy Yeah, dude out of pure mercy Dude, just what yeah a little just a fucking little like a deli sandwich stick just lifted it up And they use it on the next person they're gonna say ah That'd be funny too. I should go back and go I have a latex allergy Please use your hands touch my rashed penis My fucking decrepit breeze life into my tiny rashed penis. Can you get my penis CPR?

Yeah, that was do you have any surgeries that could kill me. Can you cut my penis off? Can you cut my fucking head off? I could freeze it off like a wart dude You could freeze your penis straight off. Can you get the wart gun in his freezes wart off my body? I call my penis Insurance covers that now Guess what dude that's going on Today's episode is sponsored by honey

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Hey, we're back. Oh my god Oh my god, we're back to bring you back up speed if you missed the other stuff We're talking about freezing off our tiny we're talking about freezing freezing off the fort treatment abomination. I call a penis Why did god curse me with this? I might I might have a penis for another time. I think my penis is more. I have a village penis now You have a futuristic penis. Do you think I have a future? Oh, yeah, these are future penis like the tiny cell phones Yes, I feel like it's gonna be flopping dongs in the future Dude, we're gonna get the what do you think's coming after a zambic, dude?

It's gonna be on it's gonna be dong zambic, dude. They're coming. It's coming Don control is coming, dude Full don control is you tell me Pfizer has the power to give whites giant penises That's probably the thing they're sitting on. Maybe we need to support them instead of mocking them for their disastrous I dude, I'd be calling my family. I'd be like Guys, seriously, you really got to support this dude. Have our best Yeah, Pfizer trust them get the booster mom get it you definitely have a stroke get a dong booster Oh, dude, I'd run the risk. I'd be triple masked

I'd have a glass visor on I'd be bothering my family screaming on a flight Where where your mask? This is helping our penises Get your hands off my penis This is democracy manifest I see you know your judo well, that's the bloke that's got me by the penis That guy fucking rules, dude, who's that guy? There's a fucking australian guy they arrested one time He's enjoying a meal a succulent chinese meal

I see you know your judo well Get your hands off my penis Ta ta and farewell That's the bloke that's got me by the penis Yeah, it's it's getting to that it's getting very sad because it's like anyone trying to do anything meaningful looks absurd I was thinking about the piercing guy. I know it's yeah He's out there trying to help trying to enact the sound like a dickhead. Well, it's also it does look absurd Yeah, it looks like they're all standing up there cosplaying

It doesn't seem like he's driven by I don't know maybe that's my I know we're not attached gays We're not allowed to speak on but you see the king talking you go Yeah, dude millions of people standing there. He's at the reflection pool. Who? Oh, Martin Luther King. You see him talking. You're like, yeah, that's pretty legit. I watch that and you go It seems kind of fucking weird. Yeah, it seems like you're Yeah, whatever. Well, it's also like what it's against gun rights. It's like, yeah, dude Yeah, it's against gun rights. It's like, all right, there's fucking it. Don't have any no more disband the NRA. Go ahead. Go for it. Yeah Take him away. Take all the guns

Take the guns. I don't have any guns I'm saying my thing is like I was so close to buying a cool gun this past weekend. Well, the problem is with the gun legislation It's like they're guns It's like we're gonna take the guns. It's like well, you gotta get them off of dudes who want to shoot stuff So it's like yeah, get ready leave them be. Yeah Yeah Or cap them just cap them in this economy But dudes are ready to die

Yeah, true eggs are four bucks or something true. What the fuck eggs dude eggs are like fucking I mean some eggs are like they're they're testing the upper limits. You can get a 999 dozen of eggs, but it's like It's like dude. I'm dumb. That's literally seems like a decent deal. It's like we think I mean to be fair I know it's not a good deal to be fair. There are eggs, dude. It's like eggs It's like we fingered these eggs that we grab these chickens and we would fucking Finger them every day and let them run a mile. I know it's not a good deal, but 999 for a dozen. That's 999 for three four million dollar per egg, dude

That's my thing with eggs, dude It's like or even food in general they're like food costs are gonna become 40 percent of you It's like should be 40 percent food costs is 90 percent of my money. Yeah, it should be grub up, dude It's the most important shit you can have and it's like food costs are creeping up to 14 percent of people's incomes It's like dude between a house and food Jesus Christ. It'd be like eight, you know, obviously you should have a stuff left over But like I don't know I was just thinking about my money people seeing my grub hub They see the gh they might have to see my grub hub for Tax per like if I'm on the road and I order food, it's right off. Don't don't release it like Trump's tax

I'm gonna have to hold on to that. They're gonna say you spent 48 thousand dollars on grub What redacted I had to redact it they redact what it redact the amounts and just let them say I redact what they are So yeah, let's see. I fucking block them out. Yeah, you sick. Yeah, maybe that's a maybe that's a stupid take But I always did think that food when they're like it was surprisingly low every time I checked what percentage of people's income food was I'm like could probably be up above your car You know most slightly more important Yeah, I guess you need a car to get food

Do you ever think about that in order to have fucking kids you got to work in order to work? You got to put your kids in daycare. What's the point of any of that shit, dude? You know what I'm saying? Do you ever fucking think about that? You got to buy food You got to have food in order to have a family you got to have food in order to have kids You got to work in order to work. You got to send your kids daycare. Who even gets to see anyone? You know what I mean? Yeah, it stinks. Especially when you see the babies in daycare, dude That always fucking freaks me man. Oh, there's babies. There's yeah, you can have a kid and like just drop it off at a daycare Like two weeks. You got to work. You got to get back there. I think no

I think there's might be like three months. I think two months or three months. You can be like All right, I'm gonna go resume my life. I'll pick this little fucker up. Yeah, you can just kind of do that the whole time Made it cost you can leave cost thousands of dollars. You can drop your kids off at a fucking orphanage I thought I envisioned I was sitting there the other day I envisioned a like an article people someone could write that was basically like white collar Deadbeat parents where it's like, I mean, again, it's such a shitty thing too. But dude, you walk in there. I'm walking in there I'm like, this is wrong. I get you have to do it Yeah, dude, like it is. I mean if it works. I say this if you're into the whole

Like this is what humans should do men are hunter-gatherers women. It's like dude. That's what they did There's dropped the kids off in the village No, that is true, but I don't buy in I don't like all that I that's the whole country got into the mumbo jumbo of like as humans. This is we're supposed to do this. Yeah, shut up Yeah, true. I actually thought about how funny that would be if like Chris Ryan came out It's like we actually are supposed to eat women who're not supposed to live with them We're supposed to fuck them and eat them. Yeah, so that way they're it breeds a tent You know when people talk about like what was going through a caveman's head. He's like, this is what they were

Yeah, this is the caveman diet. He's fucking twigs like well, we got out of that I Go back further. Let's go back to Primordial soup. Yeah, true. We all come from primordial soup You should be at the bottom of the ocean sucking on fucking volcanic gas coming out of an abyss It's like stop. Why are we going back? It's real always forward, dude. That's what I'm talking about. Yeah. I don't want to you know The modern man should be sitting on a plush couch playing xbox ordering grubhub not using ideally not using your body

What so ever hardly using your body? We're we're basically Zorda. We're both Zordans, dude That's great Now give me money for Taco Bell But yeah, I it's such a touchy subject. I don't I don't want to see it because I have My kids in daycare, but it's like dude. It's like gotta get them in there, bro It's a lot of socialize you do when it did. It's a good thing But when I see the babies, you know, you got to let them get fucking legionnaires disease Just foot and mouth every day. Yeah, they get hand for every day trench fucking

Wipe in their butt and there's just like they like do they get fucking herpes in there though? They get like ass sores from hand foot and mouth Yeah, they get herpes. All the kids got to go get some herpes. I got their immune system going get them fucking chicken pox Dude, here's the thing it has worked. It's what she started talking. It does work. It's a very good thing Just every day I walk past the baby room and I go Maybe the baby it maybe this is cool. It just freaks me. I go like is this a massive cool I was like, this is a massive misstep Just I mean you have you have to do it. You have to do it

But you know, it's better than just like letting it slowly die on a rock. Yeah, but I just go man, you know That I don't want this one I'm gonna take it in the woods leaving on a rock Go back to the fucking village like nothing. I bet a fucking dog came out of nowhere Yeah, you treat your baby like your cell phone. You're like We're gonna hold up on my baby Fuck I'll get a new one. Yeah There's a new one next year. This is over. Yes

But yeah, again, I just that's some that's my own guilt. I'm projecting on because I walk in there. I go Yeah, I think that's your guilt because that's Yeah, nothing. That's what's saying people. Not only do I think it's nothing I think it's probably decent for the kid now an infant in a fuck just laying in a room I peek in There's 12 little infants just like And there's just two ladies just tending to him like a fucking little colony. It's like, yeah, yeah But I guess they have to play with each other. I don't understand how women are they are capable of that

Of all day with babies. Yeah, I think when I drop whenever I drop my off I think I'm like I could stay here all day and talk to these guys, but it must make you go nuts, dude That's why women have childlike brains They have to be able to communicate with the children I mean there is something to be said for that I think it's true. I think the only women could sit with a kid all day and be like what what was your story? Why you know this guy is blue. It's like, oh, wow It's funny because I'm actually

Way better at that than britney. Oh really? I'm I could sit and talk. I could see you being good You'd be good to talk to kids. I can talk to a child. You're also very inquisitive Nine hours. I'm sure the kid will hit you with some stuff that you're like, whoa Oh, dude, I never thought about that either all the time. Why the fuck dude dalmatians have spots? I don't know Yes, every every they like I tried to I tried to hang out with kids. Yeah this weekend. No, not not Yeah, they're they're great. Obviously they're fun to be around but for sure. I took anthony and lea to the park Disaster really anthony dude. No

No, just like my old dog doesn't respect me. Yeah, anthony has zero because he knows I'm fucking around all the time He literally we get to the park. He just sprints to the other side. Just I was like anthony come back No I can't hit you. I'm obviously not in your family Yeah, yeah, that's It isn't fear especially when you're like, dude, it's like I never took a kid to the fucking park Dude, it's so weird. Yeah, any second they could fucking die. There's beautiful moms are all around. I'm yeah, dude I'm just you know, I'm a good guy. The vibe is crazy. The vibe is crazy. The vibe's fucking great

But I'm watching anthony go bother little girls Well, dude trying so hard to talk to them be like that's tag. You're it to like a 10 year old I get off and they're like leave us alone. You're weird Tag you're it Uh, beast that's kind of yeah, it was awesome. Yeah, there there is like a uh Once you have kids It's like you do have like a multiplied kind of insecurity thing of like, you know, are we like a re like I worry a lot that like my family is just like a ridiculous because you start talking to people and you're like

People seem like they have it together. Like it's my family. It's just like a failed triangle Failed just like a lepo just mental a lepo. Just wondering more On just a full unit of idiots dude never so you have you start plenty of those families Yeah, dude, you start bopping around like, you know, that's got to be continuum So there's definitely if I can notice that about other families I'm like there's got to be families that are scoping me out being like Jesus christ Definitely, but then you have like you have like rich families growing up dude the orthodontist families That's crazy. They look at your shitty family. It's haha. Yeah, it's nice. Kia. You fucking drunk idiots

Yeah, like a dentist and like all their kids are just completely even killed Every kid's handsome and smart. There's a 4.9 GPA. Yeah So how come I can't be like them? Yeah, your dad's like my dad's like I'll kick his ass Yeah, okay, Shane I'll tell you what when these kids don't listen. I beat their ass. Yeah, I hit them. See the orthodontist is going Oh boy. Oh, that's strange. Well, my children listen Probably because I didn't strike them so often They're not afraid to return to the house

Because they don't dude. Yeah, I would do that. I would run away. Yeah Yeah, yeah, I'll go outside. Phil will be like get in here. I'll be like, I'm not coming in there. You're gonna hit me Yeah, not doing it. Get in here. Oh, fuck Just full of rage Well, that's why you can't dude. You really can't hit kids because it's like even if you're like I'm trying dude I Yeah, it's I was with these kids for an hour. It's all on the table fucking hitting It's on the table. Yeah, even if you're like like come on. We got to go come on

We got to go and you can pick them up really hard and like you can like physically jar them Yeah, but that did nothing that had no effect on me. I didn't care. I had to carry them out Yeah, sure. I mean that's kicking and screaming the whole way out of park. I was like god damn it. Why did I take you here? I knew how to trick him though. He was like he was like I'm gonna he was like five more minutes He kept saying five. Yeah. I'd be like, okay. You got five minutes 10 seconds later. I'd be like you're down to two minutes He has no concept of time and then Well, obviously the deal he broke the deal immediately. Yeah, they're like the pale face

They break every fucking treaty they make But he He was fucking I was like, I know how to get him. I was like aliyah walk with me. So immediately I was like, all right, you can stay I'm leave you did the I was like, all right. We're gonna leave you and he was like fine He started playing on the park. I was like, he's he's not gonna like this. I was like aliyah. Give me your hands And I swung her in a circle with her feet off the ground. Whoa And he was like he came running over. It was like do me. Do me. I was like, nope. You were bad

Aliyah jump off that tree tree. I'll catch you jump. She jumped off a tree caught her He was like, I told her I was like look how much fun she has. Yeah, she listened. Yeah, what'd he say? He screamed and cried grabbed me he was punching She was like, do me do me. I was like, no I was like when we get home. I'll do it and then we got to the front yard. I said, no I lied to you like you lied back at the park. Yeah, dude. Then I brought him in I said Katie keeps these kids some fucking discipline

I spent 10 minutes with these fuckers and it was nuts She is dude. She's got four it's insane. Yeah She's gone Yeah, you I mean imagine just a totally different person. Obviously, she needs to be. Yeah, dude. I mean, well, it's like, so you have your own day to day anxieties and insecurities bopping around. Now just times that by three.

Now you're anxious and insecure and angry for three. It's, you know, it's pretty taxing. But you do get it. You do get kind of reprieve from yourself, at least. Yeah, that'd be fucking nice. It's not bad. But then it kind of come full circle where you'll like make a decision or a mistake. And you'll be like, oh, shit, I've been an idiot this whole time.

Yeah, and you know, all those impacts. But, dude, the funnier thing at the park is when it's like, is you get like, I'll be like, damn, my family's like, I'm fucking dumbasses. We're all mentally inept or emotionally. We can't handle like you just worry about shit like that. Kevin Hart had a bit about that. Oh, his squad. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it was something about them all wearing them as a unit.

Yeah. Matching sweatsuits to a fucking like kids party. Like, like fucking idiots. Well, for then, like, you'll. So then like a Frisbee got caught in a tree and you'll see like a dad who can't climb up the fence to get the tree. So I'll be able to like scamper up. Dang, it's like not. I'm really not trying to revel in it at all.

But yeah, there's part of you that's just like, yes. Now I get to display my prowess. I'm waiting. Yeah. The children can see me. They did. I would absolutely go. Hey, guy from the dumb family, climate tree. I got it. I did. You know, he didn't even have to ask.

I saw it. I got it. I got to like climb a fence. I was like, honey, there was an idiot at the park today. I want to climb a fucking tree and climb the fence and flip flops and like jumped on the thing and knocked it down. It's pretty nice. Kids like, yeah, it's pretty sick. So I was like, you know, we got to make up to make your kids proud. We got to make up for what we're lacking. Yeah.

Yeah, I don't think you're lacking. I think you got a good unit. Let me do have a good. You got a good unit. You're a great guy. Dude, I live in fucking like it's all doctors or my neighbors are. So I'll like walk them. How much cooler it is that you get a doctor's salary from this. True. That is sick. Would you go to school? Sweet. Yeah. Nice.

I went to school. I went to grad school for fun. I do. Yeah. I don't know why I got a degree. I knew when I was getting it, I don't need this degree. I just didn't want to look like a loser. Dude, I just I should have never graduated college. Yeah, it'd have been cool. Can you go back and get your credits? Like revoked so they're not a graduate.

I go back and say, I was cheating. I cheated the whole time. That's how you never take this degree from me. College boy. Yeah. I'm tired of being called college boy. Dude, I hated that. College boy. Yeah. My parents are my fucking all my uncles and shit. The college boy, they can't tell what they teach you there.

Yeah, you should have been like, yeah, held not to be a dumbass like you, you fucking loser. For real. Yeah. That would be fair. And again, this does sting. This does sting because it's like I didn't know there's a lot of people when you don't go to college, it's kind of a sort of insecurity as you can become an adult.

And it's like, dude, I don't think it means that like you're not smart or not intelligent. But I remember I got out of college and I went that was such a waste of time. And then I went and was working for my dad with just like with laborers, like literally from the labor union. And I would talk to some of these dudes and be like, and maybe that wasn't a total waste of time. They would read the newspaper, dude.

And it was like, this is true. And I'm like, well, you know, there's a guy who writes it. It's and they'd be like, what the fuck are you talking about? All right, maybe that wasn't a complete waste of time at all. Yeah. And also back then, like, I remember the kids in my high school that didn't get into college, you were like, Jesus, how did the fuck did you not get into West Virginia? What did you do?

Yeah, sure. There's got to be one place. It's one thing to be like, yeah, I don't I don't need college. I have a plan, but there's other people that are just like high school ends and they're like, well, there's one there's one thing to not have the resources not go to college. Of course. Totally. And it's it's how do you like those apples, which is kind of a sick path. That's kind of a sick path. But I think you're talking more about the people who did have the resources.

You grew up in a suburban neighborhood college. What? No, thank you. Like, what the fuck? What the fuck? I was just like, did you take the SATs? Yeah, I did all your garbage and Foley got like an 860 on his SATs. Dude, Foley's dumb as a prick. No, did he really? Well, man, did you take it?

Please tell me, yes. Yeah, what the Foley get? 860? Yeah. What are you rocking? Sorry, I didn't get much higher. I might have got like 1040. That's not that's really good. That's not bad. Then I got probably like around with Foley.

And you took 1040 is good. No, 1040 is better than eight 40s. Like if you only took one half of the test. Yeah. I mean, perfect on one of the 1600s. No, I think he got a 55 percent. I didn't do 1040. I did worse. I did a lot. I didn't mean to make you feel bad. I'm sorry. It's OK.

Why are you saying? I don't know. Would you get you got a 1040? No, I got like an 860 because I did really good on the math part, but I did really bad on the writing part. So where did the 1040 come from? Just the math part? Yeah, the math part, the line in the math part. I did the math real quick. I got he just beatle juiced out about 7000.

I got about 8000. I said, yeah, I thought I said he's got a plus. I got about a plus. What's the 1600? Yeah, I didn't get that. I got I got. Who's the guy? Yeah, what's the low one? You were just making fun of. Yeah, that's exactly what I got.

I definitely didn't get way lower than that. I'm lying. The opposite. I got like I got like needs help math score. And then it was all my verbal carried me into an institution. I cheated on math. What? How'd you cheat on the SAT? I'd noticed the girl. I knew the girl.

She was sitting two up in front of me. Had the same test as me. That's awesome. They give you random tests. That's awesome. Yeah. Because I can't do math to save my fucking life. So bad, dude. Yeah. When I took it, I think they like moved it up to 2400 or something. Because then they like, oh, no, you got an 860 or 100.

I got 1040 on the 2400. Oh, there was the line. Oh, yeah. So I was going to say, I was like, I wonder if you took it when it turned into like the mega million. So it was like, it's out of 12 billion. Yeah, there's also you got to write a paragraph. Yeah, I love my mommy and daddy very much.

The Webster's dictionary says that love is defined by. Remember that's how every fucking one started. Starting every paper with a definition. If I found some of my old papers, that'd be so embarrassing. So embarrassing, dude. We. I don't even. All right.

Oh, never mind. It's too much, dude. I'm going to save it for the page. It's truly too embarrassing. I have some good page talk. We listen to the Hunter Biden memoirs and we listen to the Spud told me to listen to the last like three hours of his like drug years. Dude, it's bell ringers.

The what? The bell ringers or whatever he keeps calling him. Is that what he calls crack? Yeah, if you hit it hard, you get your bell wrong. He we're we're still in alcohol right now. We're making our way to crack. I just listened to War Modes. Yes, but it's actually it is a really good listen.

A lot of it. War Modes. The War Modes is shit. You made the book. The book is a good listen. And I mean, there's a cynical part of me that's like it was written by ghost writers for a PR company for the Democratic Party.

Yeah, absolutely. But dude, he's entirely his tales are still like so far. I'm like pretty sick. So crack. He didn't get to the crack yet. He's just drinking, dude. We'll get. Yeah, I've heard.

I heard War Modes talk about the booze toys of him like and then next thing you know, you're drinking a bottle of vodka in the garage watching Game of Thrones. Dude, I don't think he's lying. I don't think he was lying about that. I was driving as he was saying that and I was like fucking right, dude. That's a good night.

It's like what you saying vodka watching Battlestar Galactica. Yeah, dude. Well, it's like it's like you say when you read that stuff, it works on you. Like I was at one point I was going to cry. I was like Joe Biden is actually a pretty good father. Dude, we should be like it worked on me on the way up.

Dude, I cried during succession this week. That's Joe fucking rules though. Have you watched the last episode? I don't think I've ever seen the very last one. And you know what? No, I did watch it. No, I did watch it. I watched season one and season two.

Yes, I did. I skipped season three. The new season is out right now. But there's a new season. There's a new season and the last episode made me cry. Oh, I didn't see the new season. I said my parents house just got me choked up, dude. I'm such a dumb bitch.

Dude, the book got me on the way up. They're talking about that fucking church shooting. And the one. Yeah, yeah. So they were talking when Biden went back to that church after his son had just died. And he's like, again, the book seems to be a little bit horse feeding where it's like he didn't plan to give him a speech.

And then he goes up and he's like, and this is what he said. And they asked him to speak. And it's like a beautiful. Yeah. Dude, and he's just like, faith sees the best in the darkness. And I was like sitting there and I was like, Biden does have that. There is that part of Biden I like. Yeah.

Where he's like, we're America, dude. We can do anything we want. Come on. I know, dude. We can do anything we want. If you read the book, guess what? You start to love him, dude. Yeah, it works.

It works because he's just like, it's dude. I mean, that's how I feel about the Hitler book. Anyway, I mean, if you read the book, I didn't mean to do that for real. That was not a Roman salute. That was. Oh, what do you do if you read the book? That's how I feel about the Hitler book. Anyway, oh, yeah, I meant to say goodbye.

I wasn't. Yes, it's crazy. Still doing it. It's crazy. You have to like, you know, edit your physical. You say I'm not a Nazi. People like he might be a Nazi. Yeah.

Like you turn off the camera. I think we've moved past. We're just goose, goose stepping. Although we it's going to revamp once Trump thought. Yeah, true. I guess we have moved now. Then what's the biggest threat now? Dems.

Bro, did you see Trump at the UFC fight? No, bro. What was he up to? Wait, isn't he in jail for a hundred years? He was down in Miami. So that's my he's in Miami, bitch. Damn. So he went down to the UFC.

I was I was basically begging Rogues. Like, please, I was I was I never asked him for shit. I was hitting him with hints. I was like, are you doing the April 8th fight down in Miami? Oh, that's out of Sonya. That's gonna be so sick. And he was like, yeah, man, I'm going. I was like, fuck.

Yeah, I waited like a month. I was like, dude, the easy fights can be crazy. He's like, yep. I was like, fuck. Fuck. Then I look. Some cool NFL player hit me up. Joey Bosa texted me and was like, what are you doing?

Me, Joe Burrow and my brother Nick are down here. Come chill. I was like, fuck. Damn. I miss that. And then why did you go? I just it was my one week off. And yeah, true.

And then it turns out this is this is a disastrous no go. Trump shows up, rolling deep with Kid Rock and Mike Tyson. Damn. That's tough, dude. I was watching on TV just like dag gum it. That's the bottle vodka. That's on her body. I went out to the garage.

It's on her body. No, it was easier. That's why I went to the. Oh, yeah, duh. Went to the Pekingese with my family. Sure. Sure. I mean, that is that's a freak show.

Trump, Kid Rock and Mike Tyson show. Think of those conversations. Fuck. Man, America is fucked. Yeah. I mean, also, it might just be the best. I think it's the best, but those three sitting together ringside.

Yeah. Was a little unnerving. I did. I told you, I was there. I was in Boston doing a show and I'm sitting there. I'm eating a steak from the restaurant next. They have a restaurant next door and order whatever you want. We'll send it over.

I was sitting there like eating a steak and just watching two dudes punch each other in the face on Butlerley's phone. And I was just like, what is this, dude? What am I doing? This is American rules. Yeah. I was like, America rules. But also I was kind of like, dude, what is this?

I'm just sitting here like in between like literally thrilling myself to the point of immense anxiety. I'm like, well, in that downtime, I'm going to watch a guy beat the shit out of another guy and just eat a steak when I'm not hungry. I'm like, Jesus Christ. It's good. It is the best.

It's the best. You're getting worried about the stimulation. True. It was a good problem. You can't punish yourself for enjoying the sweetness. I know. That was a realization I had on the way up, dude. I need to start integrating my shadow, dude.

Yeah. Exactly. I need to integrate my shadow. I'm telling you, I need to start. I mean, I'm trying to fend off the other parts. And I said, dude, I have to embrace them all. Yeah. Munch steak.

I love seeing guys get punched in the face. It's the best. It's cool. It is fucking awesome. That fight was so sick. I didn't get to see the whole thing. I saw the oh, nice. Well, let's let's go to the picture.

We got to talk by the end of that fight. It was the cool shit. Let me see. I got to see that. All right. Thank you. We.