Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 439 - Poky Puppy (feat. Mark Normand)

Episode Date: April 20, 2023

Support the D.A.W.G.Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod Support Mark @ patreon.com/tuesdays and @ patreon.com/MarkNormand Go See Matt Live @ mattmccusker.com/dates Go See Shane Live @ shanemgillis.com HELLOoOOooOo. Here is the weekly episode of Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast. On this episode the D.A.W.G.Z. are joined by one of our most elite broz Mark Normand. What a magnificent podcast!! Please enjoy. God bless you all.   Get 20% off your first order of Liquid Death @ liquiddeath.com/drenched Get 25% OFF @ trueclassic with Promo Code DRENCHED at https://trueclassictees.com/DRENCHED #trueclassicpod Visit http://http://babbel.com/DRENCHED for up to 55% off learning a new language.

Hello. Got a lot of Chlamydia cured at that CityMD. Oh, nice. They do good with that. Yeah. You know. Oh, jeez. Sorry. It's an urgent care. Urgent care. You want to start over? You want to start over? No, no, it's out there. Not recently, years ago, in my heyday. Yeah. They cured your Chlamydia. One pill. Knocked it out. I was supposed to have it. I didn't have it.

Someone called me like, you have it. And I was like, I went to the doctor like, bro, you're good, dude. Yeah, men don't get STDs that easily. I think it is harder for guys together. It is. One time I got shit in my dick. That'll get you. Yeah. And that hurt. Yeah, that's like leprosy. It was bad. It was a throbbing pain.

You had shit in your dick. Yeah. And the dick hole. How much shit you need in your dick to go like to need to go there? Very little. Teeny bit. Tiny amount, like a BB. Yeah. How much shit was in her pussy? Tons. Who said it was a lady? True. Sorry for us to assume.

So you ain't all the lady in your dick got fucked up? Yeah. And I didn't know what it was. I was because it hurt right right away. You know, when you're in STD, it takes like two weeks or something to kick in. This was right away. And I went to the doctor and they were like, well, you passed all the tests. You might have shit in your dick.

That was a diagnosis. That's a city. I'm dead. You might have some shit in your dick. Yeah, that's the thing. That stinks. But they give you a pill and it goes in and kills the shit. What? Yeah, it's pretty impressive. I need that right now so I don't have to shit. Yeah. I need that pill to kill all the shit in my body.

I would take it every day. I don't know. I kind of enjoy a nice dump, dude. True, but neutralizing would be powerful. Yeah. I got a shit to hold on and actually fuck it. Let's go. I'll take this pill. Dissolves. Dissolves the shit. That's true. Road trips.

Yeah. Yeah. Comedy clubs. Oh, yeah. God, especially in the city. That's the worst. Oh, the cellar. You get into the cellar and you're like, fuck, I got to take a shit. And I'm here for the next five hours. Yeah, shit at the village underground. And you have to shit next to an audience member who saw you.

You come out and they're like, hey, you're a big fan. Yeah, pass the toilet paper. Nice. Brutal. Thank you. Yeah, I just dumped out at JFK this week. Did you really? Two days ago. The lounge at JFK. No, regular, the regular packed fucking bathroom, dude.

Foot to foot with a fucking immigrant. I heard a dude in there taking piles together. International shitting, too. It's a whole different world. There's always a fucking foreigner like washing his face. Yes. Brushing his teeth. Yes.

Every time. Doing the nose hairs. I heard a dude handle a business in the airplane bathroom. You know, like, like sitting there, I took my hands. I had a two year old like to take a shit. Yeah. So I'm sitting there like, all right, get on the toilet. And the guy was, you hear him going like, I didn't realize because I was getting it

from like a two year old's perspective. The dudes are in there like moaning, groaning. Oh, yeah. Dude, the guy was talking. You got to go headphones. You got to block out your own explosions. I couldn't. I was in there. That must be what was going on.

The guy was on the phone. He goes, I'd like to ground swell with them. See if we can. Oh, my God. Literally moaning. I swear to God, I'm not making it up on a business call being like, you know, let's get the leverage. That is a power move.

It was crazy, dude. But people like that. They've never, it sounds like they've never shipped before. The shits are so explosive. In an airport. Wow. It's crazy. Hold on a second.

No, I mean, I don't want to get nine or eleven. I think they were stitched up like an African bride. That's what it feels like. They were smuggling. Yeah, I loved it. I love to see the boys washing their face. Oh, yeah. Fucking shaving kit out on a disgusting JFK counter.

It's an old Asian man doing jumping jacks in front of me. Yeah, I was I was star old, dude, because I was she was like commenting on people's shoes and shit. Like he has blue shoes. It's like, dude, chill. Yeah. That's code for you. Want to actually the last thing you want to do that because I'm thinking

that while I'm taking a shit, I'm like, hopefully no one recognizes me when I leave. They see my feet and hear me dumping. Yeah. So it's the guy in the white new bounce. He's like, fuck. Yeah, that won't even offer it up any shoes. Like offering, like talking about the people's stuff next to us, not a single

like friendly, like, haha. I was just people just your daughter. Yeah. How old? Two year old. Oh, man. Sorry, three. She's a three year old.

Yeah. Hitting just like nonstop commentary on everything that was occurring. I was like, dude, stop. I don't know what I was doing. I don't know. I'd probably, yeah, I guess you got to laugh a little. I'd come into the stall and like, yeah, watch out. Come get you.

I want to fuck your dad. I'm going to rape you and your dad. I'm going to rape you guys. I'm going to fuck your dad. A little trick. Yeah, that's fine. If my foot touches your dad's foot, we have to have sex. Yeah.

So what do you do to your beeline of the stall? You don't want to see in any random dong. You just go right to the stall. It wasn't too bad. I don't know, a lady, a girl. Little girls can take it. They have no idea what it is. They don't.

They truly don't, dude. They start to, around three, they start to kind of like. How come yours is different? Yeah. Around three, they start asking questions. And they'll stare in a way that you're just like, dude, I want to cut my dick off right now. And they're babies you pee in.

It's like whatever. And one day they just go, you're like, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's enough. Yeah, we would sword fight me and my dad. Yeah, hell yeah. Did you guys do that? Yeah. He would do it over the shoulder, too, when you pee behind me.

You guys didn't do that? You got some dribble doing that, dude. He was good. He had a laser beam. There's no way you don't catch dribble on the way out. Although you outlast a kid. Your piss is longer than a kid's. Oh yeah, I was out of there.

So you were already out of the firing zone. My mom used to read me books when I took shit sometimes. That's the best. Damn. And I remember the very last time being too old for it. I'd be like, can you read one of those books? And she was like. It was like, for whom the bell tolls?

Yeah, I'm on chapter 38. Can you start from page 276? She's just holding your phone for an audio bunch. Yeah, having a book read to you while you're taking a dump. It was nice. Awesome. It was one of those. I forget what they're called.

It was like cardboard books with like the gold. Oh yeah. Yeah, whatever those were. I know those. I remember it. It was like the Pokey Puppy or something. Damn, what is this? I used to love the Pokey Puppy.

This is like 2013. Yeah, that just came to me. I haven't thought of that fucking title in forever. I got to Google what that looks like. Pokey Puppy. You got to get that. Put that on there as your bathroom reader. The Pokey Puppy.

I don't know that one. I never heard of that either. Yeah, the Pokey Puppy. The Pokey Little Puppy. What was the Pokey Puppy up to? Dude, don't worry about it. Look at it with the cardboard and the gold binder. Yeah, wait.

I closed it like a dumbass. Look at that. Oh, that's a cute puppy. Oh, dude. How cute. Now I got shit. A little golden book classic. That's what they were called.

I was curious what they were called, a little golden book. That's pretty fun. That's a good mom right there. But yeah, I didn't realize school teacher. Oh, there you go. She was used to it. Yeah, true. Is she out now?

She's retired? She's out. She's retired. Good. She won't get shot. True. She did get out before all the shootings. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, true. Yeah. You see, there was a girl who got misgendered, and she's like, five? It was like a kindergarten class. And she got misgendered, and the teacher got fired. Really? They shoot the teacher?

Yeah. She got fired. Damn. Shot. I bet that teacher must have been being aggressive. I don't know. I was like, you're a fucking boy. Yeah.

Apparently, he went in and did like a, how are you doing girls? It was a girl school. Oh, no. And that was it. It was that easy? Yeah, give it a goog. Wait, it was all girl school, and they got missed.

Yeah, well, she said not everyone here identifies as a lady. Jesus Christ. Well, then you can't be in this school. Yeah. Oh, good point. It's all girl school. All girls.

That's crazy. Oh, it was a girl who was a tomboy. I guess. I'm a tomboy. I like to climb fences and play sports, and my dad don't dare you. I think a tomboy's out. It identifies a tomboy.

You got a slingshot. I play with frogs. I'm fucking, I'm a lesbian. I'm 10. I'm in the bullpen. She's in the bullpen, dude. Yeah, dude. Just getting ready to get out there.

She's scissoring. You got a guardrail? Guardrail? Yeah, I think it was in New York yet. Was it in New York? Seems like this one says New York teacher forced girl, nine years old, to use male pronouns, causing suicidal thoughts.

Whoa. Hey, who forced the girl to use male pronouns? Was it the whole boy school? The teacher. That's why I'm wondering if it's the same school. I'm not sure. Might be a different story. It was last month.

Oh, this was, I think. They sued the school. Oh, man. They sued the school. Yeah. Yikes. What a bunch of losers. That's crazy, dude.

Yeah, if you read it, if you watch any of the old Disney movies now, it's like a full essay on apologies about everything. It's like this, look, guys, we fucked up. And I got the Tiger Woods golf game. You have to select your identity. Your pronouns is in, when you create a golfer, you select your pronouns. For real.

For golf. He him, dude. My guy's a boy. That's you, right? My guy's Nate Marshall. I created Nate Marshall. That's he him. Played Tiger Woods with Nate Marshall.

So how does the league work? If you identify as they, them, what's the? I don't know. I don't know if they put you in. I guess you just dominate women's golf. You could just join the LPGA and. Dominate. Outdrive everybody by 200 yards.

Here you go. Yeah, there's been, who was the, there was a male powerlifter who entered some sort of, people have done this a bunch of times. But recently another one came in. There was a trans woman who smashed the record. Then he smashed the trans woman by like 150 pounds, walked away. The trans woman was like, that guy's an asshole. He knows what he's doing.

He just smashed the record, walked out like later. That's pretty funny. This is fucking hilarious. The record before that was another trans. Really? Yeah, yeah, I think so. That's gotta be nice to break another trans as a record though. Yeah.

Yeah. What's progressive? We should just translate, just have a translate. Trans League would be sick, dude. Trans League would be sick. Just create a third league. What's that? The Monsters.

The Monsters. Yeah. Say it into the mic, guardrails. The Monsters. Guardrails. The superstar, the guardrail. He's been going. Yeah, where have you been?

You've been out touring, big shot. You like, I see all those pictures you posted. You're the funny man in the group. No. Is he doing the life of the party? Yeah, he's smoking cigs. He's doing this. He's like, yeah, I smoke cigs.

I get some little young to smoke cigs, but you know, tour life. Yeah, tour life is fun. Yeah, you had a good time. It is nice. You're late? No, no. Oh, let me smell that stash. Here's a girlfriend.

I have a wonderful girlfriend, yes. He's a beautiful Habibi ting. He did not get laid. Indian? No, she's Egyptian. Oh, he's a Habibi. Arab. Oh, shit, sorry.

No, it's OK. Arab. Oh, man. Arabian. It's all we go in one place, you know what I mean? He even cares. I did the Peloton today, and there was a lady who appeared to be, I would imagine, she was mixed black and white.

She did a classic rock ride the whole time. Like, can you believe I know this song? I was like, take it easy. Yes, relax. Take it easy. Just Pink Floyd wished you were here. It's like, you know, fucking hit song. Yeah, it's not crazy.

It was like, can you believe I know this? And it's like. Could be related to George. True. Peloton, how is that? You got to get a subscription. Yeah, yeah. Oh, shit.

It's only pretty nice. I got one back there. Really? Yeah, I haven't touched it in one year. It's nice. You put it on the tunes. It's pretty nice. I like it.

Fun fact about Peloton, their sales went up when they raised the prices. Really? I love shit like that. True. Did you ever play the game Mike's Bikes in college? You guys go to college for business? Mike's Bikes, no.

We played a game called Mike's Bikes, and it was like, it was like a business simulator where you could do like super expensive bikes, middle line, and super value bikes. And you had to run like an analysis of how you did as a businessman. We had a lot of African exchange students there. This one guy, he would try to name the business.

He'd be like, let's call it really nice bikes. You can't call it that. And he'd be like, why not? Really nice bikes. I honestly don't remember. I wish I remembered. You came up with it. It was a group project.

I was chilling. Never working. I was chilling the group project. But yeah, really nice bikes. It's like, oh man. It's like a Chinese food restaurant. A number one. Number one bikes.

Golden number one best bike. Yes, yes. Happy food, Billy. Happy food. Nice. That's going to go away soon, man. It'll be a thing of the past. There's one.

There's a foreign barbershop on the street that clearly Google translated the name. What's it called? This is called She Goes to Your Head. They have no idea what that means. No idea. She goes to your head. She goes to your head.

Yeah. I'm going to go down there and get a do. Is it all dudes working it? I have no idea. It's just dude. I've never been in. It's a crawl. Yeah.

It's on Steinway. Why does she go to your head? I don't know. She goes to your head, dude. How could she go to your head? How could she go to your head? You've got to watch out for those guys. They don't listen.

So you'll go like, just scissor, trim around the sides, and they just give you the same thing every time. I would like to go in there and be like, whatever you want to do, whatever you'd like to do. I'd be curious. It'd be fun to get whatever. That'll just buzz you. Yeah, that's what they like, those Eastern Europeans, Shave.

Shave head, who needs hair? Why do you have hair, you woman? This is nice. These screen savers are nice. This is nice. What do you think would happen if you went down there and tried to get them a Shave your pubes? Like, you just would or hit me just the belt line.

You don't have to pull my dick out. Just hit me with the belt line. So you give a good head. I think for money, they would do it. I think they would have done it. That's hair. Hair is hair. It's wear sweatpants and just pull down the scrum.

Yo, man, fuck, man. Welcome to the jungle. Clean me up just a teeny bit. Hey, see, I'm going to Bozeman, Montana this weekend. Really? Really? Gigs. Oh, really?

Well, I blew my wad all over the country. So I was like, send me to some new places. Yeah. So we're doing some black box in Bozeman. That'd be awesome. I can't wait just to see these mountains. Yeah, that'd be cool. I was over, I was just in Seattle and Vancouver.

I've never been to Vancouver. Oh, Vancouver is awesome. It was fucking beautiful. That's BC. Isn't that like British Columbia? Yeah, it's perfect. I mean, it's a six-hour flight. We did it.

But other than that, that was like the nicest city. Really? It was just beautiful, dude. It's super expensive and super Asian. That's perfect. That's what you need. Yeah. It is like the best places.

Yeah. Irvine, California, Asia's hell. Asians. Perfect. You drive through LA, and right when you hit Irvine, the roads are better. It's like immediate. Yeah, you're not allowed.

I think in Orange County, they figured out some thing with homeless people, where they pick them up and drop them off somewhere else. Wow. There's some weird town thing, where if the homeless beds are full, they have something where they can literally pick up homeless people in a van and drop them off in the Bay Area. Yeah.

I was in there, and then I went from Vancouver to Seattle. And the difference between America and another country is, I mean, it's kind of the same looking city. It is. And then Seattle's just tense. Yeah, homeless people everywhere, graffiti, trash everywhere. Crazy. America is fucking gross.

And they got heroin there, too. They have heroin problem, but it's still better. Yeah. It's still cleaner. Yeah, but they have centers for them to go to or something? Oh, yeah. Big needle town. It's coming for us.

We're going to have the, like, space needle. The what? I used to be a bit of a spacy needle. Oh, really? Well, I just go to Seattle, and go, you've got a heroin problem, and your biggest tourist thing is a needle. Which, by the way, not that big. No.

Space needle. I thought it was going to be like tower over the skyline. No. Not at all. I've been in it, too. It's like a small building compared to the skyscrapers. It's bullshit. Maybe I saw it at a bad angle.

No, it's not huge. Yeah, if it's a big building. Toronto's got a nice tower. Toronto. What do they got? What's that thing called? We've got the Canada Tower. Pull it up.

Right? Isn't that what it's called? Did they use that thing? It's like a better space needle. Is it like, is there a functional use for that? I have no idea what they do up there. Observatory deck? Yeah.

Damn, you see people just pass out on heroin from the top of it. It's common. We're going to have places you just shepherds them into, inject them, and let them kind of run on board. The Canada, you've seen it. This one Drake was sitting on.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a better needle, I would say. Good looking needle. Canada's got a better needle than us. Damn, they're kicking our ass. Well, man, you don't like that. Canada's needle's better? Are you wearing a joker?

No, it's a hairband. I just put it on my neck. I didn't even notice that. It's tough to see. Lift your head up. Look up. There it is. Yeah, why are you wearing a joker?

That's what we're wearing here. Oh, OK. Oh, jeez. I thought you were on some extreme aggro goth shit, dude. Damn. Black goth. Who's the guy you look like?

Mario Judah. You are Mario Judah. LaMaria. What's this song again? I can't sing it. Oh, right. When are you singing for us? I don't know it.

Oh. Garderel, did it. Did you break the chair, joker? Joker. Gay is Batman villain, the joker. Joaquin Phoenix is the joker. Don't be gay. Why so hetero?

Yeah, he is the best. He's been the best, I think. I thought Heath was overrated. You think Joaquin's better than Heath? Yeah, dude, Heath is the man. I think Heath overwalked. I think Heath overwalked. He killed it.

He died from it. Yeah, but is it like death stuff, though, when you die? Or is it like, that guy was the best? There is always that, but that does count. I also haven't seen it movie. I just think Joaquin's better. Well, you haven't seen the fucking The Dark Knight? No, I saw the movie.

I must have seen the movie, too. I think Joaquin's was better. I think Joaquin's was a better movie. Who was more twisted? Who was more twisted? I don't know. But Joaquin's movie was better than The Dark Knight. Joaquin was more emo.

I didn't like the emo aspect. What was Heath more, just like circus? He was just like crazy psycho Achillea, unhinged. I like, LeMair, you're the resident dork. Which one? Which Batman? I think which one's better, a Joker? Heath or Joaquin?

I like Joaquin better, I did. Oh, geez. That's a good, that's better than that. The whole movie was about him, to be fair. Yeah, it was about him. Heath was a supporting role. Yeah. So, yeah, I liked the movie better.

I liked it. It was a good movie. It was a deep dive into the Joker psyche. Yeah. But, yeah, I don't know. I feel bad Heath died. Do you think he really died from that? I think he was just addicted to drugs.

I think he was addicted to drugs. And then they were like, no, the role. Yeah, the role wasn't that. If you watch it again, you're like, all right, you're just a bad guy in a superhero movie. Like if Thanos killed himself, you're like, God damn, I told him not to play that role. Remember Jack Nicholson said that?

Yeah. They told him about Heath. Oh, really? They told him about Heath Ludger died. And there's a clip of him being like, I told him that's a tough role. What? He just played it like Jack.

He didn't even do anything different. Jack? He might be my favorite Joker now that I think about it. That's my favorite. Yeah, he was fun. I hope Nick doesn't use it, but that's my favorite Nick Mullin. What's that?

He's got a joke about how the shooter in the Aurora shooting was in Aurora where he dressed up like a Joker. And he's like, he dressed up like a Joker. And like, we all knew which Joker was. It was obviously the Heath Joker. Wouldn't it be funny if he was the Jack Nicholson? Like, sorry, folks, show's over.

He started shooting everyone like a Tommy gun. Like, ah! Prince on blank. Sorry, folks. Let me figure that whole problem out. What, shooters? He was just blasting into places and being like, yeah.

It seems like it's getting bigger. It's ticking up. Yeah, it seems like it's upticking and across like, you know. Trans getting involved. Yeah, I was, I was surprised. Everyone's getting involved. Yeah, I thought it was Hate has no home here.

Kick through the Kate has no home here. They did. Fucking blasted, dude. Hate had a home. They stopped one guy in Colorado. They got him before he, yeah, before he shot it up. Anytime they catch him before they shoot it up,

it's clearly FBI just catfished a fucking schizophrenic man. Yeah. They're like, we got another one. We're doing our job. It's like, you guys fucking set him up. Fair point. Fair point.

He's gonna assess anything. Like we've been monitoring him for months. It's like, what have you been doing? You've been emailing him, fucked up shit. Yeah. Just being like, you want to buy guns. You get an email from fvi.com. What's the point?

You're like, yeah. What's even the point, dude? Can I buy some guns off you guys? I'd like to be an FBI informant at schools and bully kids into entrapment. Best, dude. You know what I mean? Just try to bully a kid into shooting up a school.

See what's good. Just whoop his ass every day. Pants pushed down? Pants pushed down daily. Get the teachers in on it. Be like, nobody help him. When he tells his parents, deny it. Is it arrest him?

Is it arrest him, life in jail? Job done. Yeah, they're doing that with January 6th. There's so many informants. It's like all the Brown boys, the leader of the Brown boys was like an FBI informant. They're all FBI, dude. They did January 6th to arrest like three dudes.

They'd be nice to do the Jiu-Jitsu crazy. If they did the Judas and the White Messiah on that, that'd be nice. They really will. They should, dude. Gavin McGinnis. Yeah. The new Puerto Rican guy is the Judas.

The one guy got out, I think, to Elk. Yeah, he's free. Elk face. Oh, QAnon Shaman? Yes. Yeah, he got out. Because they had that video of him walking around peacefully with all the cops, like, what's up, bro? Yeah, he's doing stand-up.

Is QAnon Shaman's in stand-up? He got passed the cell. Yeah. Yeah, no, they had a video of him just walking around peacefully through the Capitol and like picking stuff up. And they were like, well, what the fuck was this? Yeah.

So I guess somehow that let him out because they were like, he didn't break in. They were like, oh, that's the thing. They actually, yeah. Oh, they opened the door and had him walk in. Opened the door for him and let him in. Yeah. They said, he ran the door down with his horns.

Nah. Yeah, that was it. That was a shame, that whole thing. Now we got some space, some distance on January 6th. We can talk about it. Yeah. Well, there was another one like two weeks ago. What happened?

In Tennessee. Yeah. They stormed in Tennessee? Oh, yeah. Trains people stormed it. Trains are just copying white nationalists. Yeah, right? School shootings, insurrections.

Yeah, for real. Dicks. So the trains? The trains stormed the capital? Yeah, twice, I think. What did everyone do? Two different capitals. I think they put on a drag shirt.

Everyone had to let them. It started a brunch. They talked kids. Made $20,000. Yeah, they brought in kindergarten classes to watch them. Yeah, they read them Pokey Puppy. That must have been terrible. Were they scared?

Everybody was scared. They came in like, ugh. Oh, yeah. They start doing like bomb drills. You know, they do the nuclear drills. They should do it for like a trans invasion. What position would you assume? You got to play dead.

You get big on them? You got to try to play dead. You can't get big, dude. They fight, they hate that. Oh, they're big, too. Oh, I'm not a man. So you don't get big on them. Hit me, I dare you.

Put your fucking hands on me. Would you take a knee? We'd take a knee to talking. I forgot how fun that trans voice is. That guy, there's a clip of this. It's an old one. This big guy, big, big trans. These guys are filming him.

And he's like tearing up a Trump sign. And they're like, oh, big man. And he's like, I am not a man. And the guy filming goes, I am not a man. So fucking funny. Wasn't he like 55? Who, the guy filming? Maybe.

No, the trans was in his, probably looks like he's late 20s. Oh, really? I thought it was. He just looks like a fucking kid in like Fishtown. Yeah. He was like a chubby white guy. Well, fat. It was a fat white guy with like Joker hair.

He had like green hair, I think. Yeah, they were short about 50 Gs of realizing their ultimate goal. Yes. That stinks. That's a shame. But dressed totally like a man. I remember it.

He's wearing like a jean jacket or like a jean vest and jeans. And he's a big guy ripping up a Trump sign. They're like, oh, big man. He's like, I am not a man. Fuck you. They had the hair like Kathy from Dilbert kind of though. It was like a jean jacket set up,

but just looked like the Kathy from Dilbert. You mean it? You never see like a little drag queen. It's always a giant dude. Yeah, they're all like six, eight. Yeah, they're huge. They are fucking huge, dude. Yeah, you never see like a little Asian drag queen.

I think they get paid to have sex with business. There's a whole island. But it's in Thailand. Hell ago, you can go to. I think they don't have to dance and showboat. They can just set up shop. Yeah, clean up with the sailors. Yeah, true like the mermaids for the sailors.

They really are. There's sirens, dude. And I just stuck down there. You spent a decade in Thailand. You go, holy fuck, what time is it? Yeah. Oh, shit, I'm 48. I got to go home.

I forgot about my family in England. It's all British dudes. It's all British dudes. It was the Brits. Don't go to that fucking light age. She's not a internet. If you were into trans, pre-internet, and then you ran across a lady boy on an army tour,

you'd be like, I found my thing. Yeah, I'm staying. You didn't even know about them. Yeah. It was unicorn. You were going, that was a hallucination. Exactly. You see weird things out at sea and sometimes on the port.

Because we have the privilege of the internet. You can find your thing alone, quietly, behind closed doors. I still haven't found what I'm looking for. On the internet? My thing. Yeah. I found my thing. Just me scrolling.

Yeah, you're like, what? La Mer and a choker. God, I hope that's not it. Yeah, I mean, dude, if it is, it is. If it is, I'd be unstoppable. Yeah, he's right here. Me and La Mer started dating and having sex. I mean, it's over.

Oh, my god. Honestly, dude, it's really just the moment of insertion. Once you guys got over that, no problem. You'd get a sitcom immediately. Honey, I'm home. You have to listen to La Mer's giggle, dude. Me and La Mer would do worse than that. We would not be good as a couple.

What? Look at the hair. It'd be just Xbox, Grubhub. That sounds like heaven. I would double what I'm already doing. He's cute. Oh, yeah. He's a cutie and he's sweet.

He'd be an enabler. He would be an enabler. Yeah, we'd both be each other's fucking feet. Have you had nice drinks? We'd both be feeders. True. We'd be two feeders. He'd be crazy.

Two whales. Yeah. You'd be down at the health clinic for shit on your dick? Shit on the shiggle? Constant. Oh, my god. There's a filth of that. Constant shit in our dicks.

Oh, yeah. Well, who's the bottom is the question? Bottom feeder. It'd be UFC whoever loses. Bottom feeder. True. We'd have to do best three UFC. Oh, yeah.

I can't take flash knockouts. Yeah, that hurts. I'd say that hardly counts, dude. That hurts. Yeah, it's not like a long haul. I can't believe you guys beat me today, though. I watched. We've been playing.

We've been studying, dude. But then you saw what happened. I know, yeah. Both times. But then now, but then it goes. I did best of three series with Matthew and LaMair. Both of them won game one. Decision, though.

That's different. Decision was crazy. That's grueling. Yeah, that was tough. That's hard. It's termination. Especially at the buzzer. I had you fucking dead.

You made it, though. Yeah. That was a big win, man. I know. And with Nate Diaz, that's tough to beat. Yeah, but I want you to go to the ground. You know, I don't want any sort of stipulation. I want to start if the fight goes to the ground,

I want to go to the ground. It's first round. It's a guarantee. But I could learn. It's very, very easy. I'll tell you how. I don't even want to tell you guys, it's the easiest, you guys are missing one button. It bothers me so much you haven't figured it out.

You guys don't grapple at all. It's all striking. Well, it's because I can't. They don't know how. We lose right away. Got it. Yeah. Tell myself every week, I'm like, I'm going to spend just one hour a week.

It would take you three minutes of Googling to figure out how to do this. I know, dude. But it's so much more fun. The excitement, dude. Yeah, it's fun. It's fun. It's a good time. We have a good time.

Dude, we almost had the button stick, too. So I would say we wiped the record out. The button doesn't, the button doesn't stick. You're still throwing elbows with the other controller. That button sticks, too. You have two bad controls. No, you speed button spaz and you hold down RB. You'll see me in the corners throwing these.

But those elbows in close work. They do. But it does help you. I need that jab. I need to stay. I need distance. You know, I need to get any established distance. We were close to a big one for you.

Chido Vera almost did the pod today. Damn. He had to leave. I was going to surprise you with Chito. I would have been so excited. Did you speak English? Yeah. Oh, shit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very funny, too. That'd be awesome. He speaks, yeah. Scare a guy. Very funny English. He's a beast. Yeah.

Almost had it. Dang. I love those guys. They're the best dudes of all time. You have to see guys. Yeah. It's such a grueling process. There's dudes in gyms that are just so,

if you were to like fuck around with them, like you got to be a pro fighter and they're like, nah, man. Yeah. It's like, it's such a grueling life, dude. Yeah, it's horrible. Even try to become a black belt or like good enough to like compete in Atlantic City locally, you got to be like nasty, dude. Yeah.

Yeah, and they all hate it. Like you talked to. You ever hear Nate talk about it? No. It's crazy. Nate Diaz, like they did an interview where they were like, how come, it's like, does your dad come to your fights? And he's like, no, I don't, he's like, I don't want people.

He's like, I don't invite people to my fights. It's like comedy. Yeah. Yeah, it actually, yeah. He's like, I don't invite people. He's like, think about like there's a chance I get knocked out and crippled in front of everybody I love. Yeah.

I don't want anybody there. Good point. These guys bring their kids sometimes too. Yeah, that was a mistake. That's horrible. Adesanya made fun of the kid. No. And then one?

No, he made fun of him after. Yeah. Because he did it to him first. He did it to, yeah, but he was like five. Yeah, that's true. So he knocked, so Pereira knocked him out when they were like kickboxing. And the little kid was in the ring

when they were putting the hands up. And he like laid down like Adesanya getting knocked out. He sent Adesanya one this time and saw him in the crowd and was like, you. Fuck you, dude. That's fair. He did it back then. Turnabout's fair game.

The kid's like crying in his mother's arm. It was crazy. Your son's in my DMs. That was probably my favorite, dude. Connor laying there and just like, this is not over. Oh, dude. That was a low level right there. That was so sad.

That was crazy, dude. I was like, fuck you. It was so easy to be like, what a lack of class. Like, dude, you get your ass kicked in front of the entire world. He didn't even get his ass kicked. He got his legs shattered. And the other guy's celebrating like he won.

I'd be furious. Yeah. And he was the guy. That was a leg KO. Yeah, he was for sure. That was a leg KO, right? He was done. He lost.

Yeah, he lost. He checked. Arguably, he checked the kick early and broke it. But yeah, Connor stepped back on it. Isn't that a bit weird, though, to check a kick and get your leg broken? No. I guess it makes sense.

It happens to these guys a lot. I'm still off the video game. I thought it only hurts the other guy. No, they stepped back. No, he got it checked. Oh, he got his leg kicked. Yeah, allegedly. Or he broke it in camp before.

He was like hairline fractures. Why wouldn't he just push back? Can't he push it back? Push what back? The fight back. Maybe I broke my leg. Oh, you could. So yeah, he probably broke it in the ring.

Yeah, that's great. I heard that, too. Like, he just said, it's like, why would you knowing you have a fracture and go into it? Like, when Tyson, did you ever see Tyson? He's like, I broke my back. You don't feel like how do you do it? Like, what type of injury is it?

He's like, it's spinal. That's spinal. It's a vertebrae. It's so good, dude. So he broke it doing push or sit-ups. His back popped out. Oh, he didn't do what he did. Didn't they say if you do the wrong stuff,

you can fuck your back up for sit-ups and lift your legs up? Probably. Yeah, he didn't keep his neck down and broke his back. He shattered his back and knocked the guy out. I've never lifted with my legs once. People tell me that my whole life. I don't know what that means.

Lift with your legs. Well, it means you're curling your back. Yeah, they used to do these things where you lift your knees up and do those things. You'll break your spine. It's like, come on. I don't have to worry about that. I'm not doing them enough to break my back.

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It's look good, feel good season. It is look good, feel good season. And with that, let's get back to that fucking silly podcast we do. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Dude, I'm reading a book about longevity right now and they're saying like, if you don't work out

three days a week, you're just gonna completely degrade. Peter Atia, I think. I'm done with all these guys. We're all gonna completely degrade, so they can shut up. True, true. This guy is saying... He wants to live forever these days.

Well, there's health span and lifespan. He's talking about it. He's like, life span's whatever he goes, but in order to be able to like move when you're older. He was talking about like old ladies that like tear their, like shatter their femur or falling off a curb. He was like, that's avoidable.

He's like, you can't avoid that. No, you can't. No, you can't. No, you can't. You're old. My grandma played golf every day. Towards the end, she was laying down there. She was laying down all the time.

She'd fall, get stuck for like four hours before someone found her. I want to believe I could hop a curb when I'm 80 and not break my femur, dude. Dude, try to hop now. It's so hard. It's inevitable. I had a jog yesterday on the treadmill.

I was fucking dying. Dude, this guy says... Publicly, there was two girls working out next to us. Oh, no. He ran as fast as he could. I bumped it up. I bumped that speed up. I was gassed.

It was nice though. He's like, you got a nice stride. I was like, thank you, dude. Thank you, man. It was nice. Yeah, that's a nice move though. You're gassed on the treadmill. There's girls be like, I got a business call.

I got a business call. Sell. Your business. Sell, sell, sell. A million dollars, I don't even care. That's the move that guy pulled in the airport. He was embarrassed shitting. So he was like, I got to look cool right now.

Let's buckle down on the investments. The ground swell is nice. Oh, it's gonna... Ground swell. Ground swell is nice. I want to know what the fuck it means. I don't know what it means. I don't know.

Ground swell. I like the... Ground swell and partner up with this startup. Oh my God. Nice. Damn, dude, turning me on in here. Yeah, Sam Bankman-Fried over here. They say just walking really saves your ass.

I've heard walking. I'm a big fan of that one. But then it's like... Just walk. Yeah, I like to walk. Low impact. This guy was saying you should be able to like hang from a bar for two minutes, dude.

Two minutes. That's crazy. I was like, I got to be able to do a minute. Dude, 30 seconds. I was like, yeah. Hanging stuff. It's hard as hell. Yeah, I'm tough.

You can hang. I can hang, but I did this thing. I was walking around in Miami with my lady and this guy goes, 200 bucks, anyone could hang for two minutes. I was like, oh, I got this. But if you lose, you pay him 10. I think I got like 48 seconds.

Oh, fuck. It's an eternity. We had to do that. 20 seconds is pretty good. I did 30. Football. We had to do that. You had to hang for a minute.

Really? You had to hold two 45 plates for a minute. The other guy had to hold the bar up for a minute and the three of you would rotate every minute. That's the longest minute of your life. You're a sucked dick, dude. Yeah, but dude, you won't shatter your femurs on a curb when you're 18.

Well, no, I don't know. Shatter them 49. Yeah, certainly. But no, the guy was saying, if you get strong enough, but you can basically, Dragon Ball Z, if you just get jacked as fuck, you can ward off the deaths of like this, like the stupid shit of just like laying in a bed and dying.

He's like, if you're strong. I don't know, have you seen jacked guys when they get old? Yeah, but they, a lot of them take steroids and they overeat. He was saying, if you get jacked enough and just starve yourself your whole fucking life, you got a shot, dude. You have a shot.

What? Yeah, just fucking hop it over. You live a miserable life. Hop it over curve when you're 85. If you suffer your entire life, when you're 85, you won't be hunched over, like the rest of those fucking losers that had a good time.

That's the other thing. These guys are all fasting, too. You're not allowed to eat. You got to wake up at 5 a.m. and you got to shower cold. Yeah, look at the sun first thing, too. Yeah, you gotta look at the sun. Yeah, it's all a bunch of, it's bullshit.

Dude, I'm pretty motivated to do all this stuff and I can't, I get up and I go, not fucking, I can't. Good for you, dude. It's hard. You look healthy. Thank you. I'm gonna get back on it. The eating is a big thing.

Try not to eat when I'm not hungry. That's an easy one. No, it's America. You gotta eat. Yeah, you gotta watch. Dude, I eat to the point where I'm uncomfortable. But grazing is good for you, just graze. Just graze?

Every day I eat and I go, geez, I got him tomorrow. I'm not gonna eat for 10 hours after this. I'm full and it's just like, it is dinner time. Yeah. I have to eat. It is dinner time. Yeah, you ever fall asleep when you go, hey, I didn't eat.

I was sleeping for like seven hours. That's pretty good. Yeah, every day I wake up, like, nice. Yeah. 10 hours off. Yeah. I earn a lot of fat. Yeah, true.

True, true. I'm gonna go, I'll go for it. That's the other thing, they all go, you gotta get sleep, sleep's the superpower, you have to sleep, and then they're like, wake up at five. Yeah. So which one is it? Wake up and grind all day.

Yes. But don't be mean to yourself, too. That's another thing, but be nice to yourself. You gotta be nice to yourself. You gotta be nice to yourself. That's a good way to call jerk it off. I'm being nice to myself. It's almost like the man is for your shit

we were talking about last week, but it's like, all right, dude. Here's all you have to do. Okay, tell that to the guy who's got a fucking job. Right. Yeah. But that's like, you need to wake up at five, run seven miles.

Damn up. Then the next book's like, Running Destroys Your Legs. I know. Yeah. And then, yeah. It's all a bunch of guys, they don't know. They're not 80.

Yeah, well, I think. I hope that guy gets to 80 and he goes, man, staring at the sun every morning didn't do shit. It's just burned my road. I don't want it to be my friend. I was blind and I don't have friends because I bothered everyone. But you're jacked.

But you're jacked. You're jacked. He's a jacked blind guy terrorizing a fucking village. Yeah, I wonder. I mean, that is though, you know, it's one of those things, man. It's like, yeah, I don't know. I have no concept of being 60 and my body

just fucking failing completely. I don't know. Every once in a while they interview those people. They're like, how'd you get to 120? They're like, I fucking bacon and vodka. Yeah, pancakes and whiskey. They always say that. Yeah, they hate those guys.

It's just smoking on camera every time. True, they do put those guys on camera. What is the oldest person? Let's take a bet. I think, all right, that's good. No, that's too high. They lie. There's always Tibetan monk fucking liars.

Suck my tongue. It's forbidden. Dude, that was making me laugh. So fucking funny. Did you see that, the dog mama? Suck my kiss, yeah, I saw the dog mama going. Suck my kiss. Da, da, da, da, da.

The only thing that was making me laugh, my sister got in the car and was just like, some kids suck the Dalai Lama's tongue. He's holding the left. Multiple kids. He had a whole sizzle reel. It's a fun gag, dude. It's a gag.

True, that could be, maybe that's some cultural thing of like sucking the wise man's tongue. Come on. I swear to God, I don't think it was a sexual thing. What are you talking about? I have no idea. If your girlfriend did that to a Dalai Lama, you would. If we were a fucking dude that lived in the mountain

that thought he was a reincarnated fucking god. How about a handshake? Who knows? Suck my tongue, dude. Who knows what that guy's doing? I asked my girl to do it. I'd never heard of the tongue suck. How was it?

It's not great. It's nice when you're the one doing it. I like doing it. How long am I doing it? Suck your tongue. I like to fucking do it. Yeah, I tried deep throat. Suck my kiss.

I'm saying 110. No, there's some geese. He's pretty close. Right now, The Guardian has an article that says the oldest lady is in France, and she's 118. Damn. She survived the bird flu, the fucking Holocaust. Both World Wars, yeah.

The Spanish Civil War. Damn. COVID. True. Insurrect. And she made it through COVID. That seems possible. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. So did Biden. True. Yeah, true. I think he sleeps in that Wolverine water every night. I think they have a look of that. I would. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Just doing Adderall. Yeah, Hunter's been in the Hunter's been at his side. Hunter was over in Ireland. Oh, yeah? Hunter was with him in Ireland. I want to party with that guy. Dude, that intro they gave him was insane. What was the intro?

You see him in Dublin, Biden in Dublin? I saw the little clip of him being like. He came out to like shipping up to Boston. He walked on stage. It was like lights. What? He was fucking crazy, dude. And he walks out just.

He doesn't move his head when he walks. All right, he can't. He doesn't move anything. Yeah, they probably have like stitches holding his brain in one place. You know, do you have like an old fucked up car battery and you can't move before it goes off? They probably have it like.

Like an old PlayStation? Get that fucking intro screen. You're like, yes, it worked. Don't move your neck at all. He's a walk man. He is, dude. He's gone. Yeah, man.

And he sucked my run again. Yeah, he can't do it. He keeps saying that they can't, dude. They cannot. It's crazy. But he has to while he's in, he has to be like, yeah, let's fucking do it again. Right.

He can't be like, no, I'm old as fucking losing my mind. I can't do it again. Yeah. So he keeps saying I'm considering it. I'm considering, yeah. He has said I'm going to. We just haven't figured out when. Yeah, he almost didn't take the presidency

allegedly after Obama's son died. Yeah. Oh, really? He dropped out in 08. Or no, no. Oh, they said it was Hillary's turn. 16, he didn't run. But he said the party could get some kind of it.

Obviously, it's her turn. Obviously, they said it was her turn. They cut out Bernie. Yeah. Actively eliminated him. Yeah, that was great. They really thought. No one cared.

I mean, it was, she had those boss pants, though. She did have boss pants. Lady boss pants. Motherfucker in those. Yeah. Damn. Behind closed doors, her just yelling at you. Oh, yeah.

Big labia. Just pinching one off. Just giant labia with pinching one off. Yeah. Carrying hot sauce in case you run into a black. Yeah. What's in your bag? Hot sauce.

Damn. If you didn't talk to Bill, how did you get all those black people to like you so much? Yeah, he's like, play the sax. Played the sax on Arsenio, got some pussy. Yeah. Pussy sax. Yeah, that sucks for her, dude.

Ann McDonald's. She tried. Every politician has to try to court the black vote. Every white Democrat has to basically do the black room. Trump's done the best of the Republicans. Trump? Of the Republicans. Easily.

Santa says to step it up. He had a moment. Oh, Lincoln did pretty good. That's true, Lincoln. Oh, yeah. Lincoln did pretty good for the Republicans with the black vote. That was an easy one. Yeah.

Who do you guys want to vote for? True. The tall guy. The tall guy that wants to free you? With that other fellow. That must have been crazy news for a slave. Like, wait, what? Does it go on our side?

That's insane. Yeah, you're sounding out the newspaper being like, what the fuck? You must be misery. You must be misery. Yeah, you can't read. Yeah, they weren't allowed. You lied, motherfucker. That's what Juneteenth is.

Juneteenth. Yeah, what is that? Well, they keep hearing about it. It was like celebrating the whole time. Not a year. I don't know how long after. Yeah, yeah. After the Emancipation Proclamation,

somebody finally got to a place in Texas and was like, you know, you guys are free, right? They didn't know it? Yeah. You've been working for the last fucking seven months. Well, they didn't have phones. Yeah. Damn.

They didn't have telegrams. That slave owner was definitely like. Oh, yeah, dude, for sure. I'm not going to let this news get out. Slavery is diabolical, but like, once you're like, all right, you're free to keep it going, it's like, that's double diabolical. Maybe not double, but super diabolical.

Super diabolical. But a lot of them couldn't read, but I guess he was trying to hide the front page of the paper. Yeah. I'm sure guys coming by on horse like, did you hear the news? And he's like, the fuck up, keep it moving. Lighting off fireworks. Yeah, that's going to be a crazy.

See other black people walking around outside. How'd you do that? Get out, go. Yeah. Fuck this up for me. It'd be funny if he only had like two slaves left. Just one guy. You guys are all right, man.

You know what I'm saying, you guys, I feel like there's opportunities here for you, you know, spitballing. I mean, dude, even if it did, yeah, true. God, man, that must have been crazy for slaves to be free. And then just they have white dudes walking around like. Oh, yeah. Nah, they didn't do that.

They were like, sorry, they were like, fuck you. I can't believe you got free. They seem to hate white people more now than they did then. We were like controlling ex-boyfriends, basically. Tell that to Nat Turner. Call Natty Light. Natty Light was not a big fan, dude. What was Nat Turner?

Nat Turner had a slave revolt. Oh, yeah, yeah. He got nasty with the boys. He was right. He was right. That's the right move. Yeah, I talk about a lot. Same thing with the Haitian Revolution.

It's like, yeah, that's right. What happened with the Haitian? They got rowdy. Oh, yeah? They realized they outnumbered the French like 15 to 1 on the island. And they were all getting handed machetes. Yikes.

How do you talk about it? That was, I didn't mean it. There was one proto-anime black dude who was fucking like. A style bender. A style bender. Damn, they definitely were showboating. They were showboating, dude. I mean, dude, I could tap into that

of just being like a Haitian slave running full speed at your French master with machete. It gets the juices flowing personally. That's the Irish blood in you, bro. True. True. Just fucking. That's the white slave blood in you, brother.

I mean, yeah, true. We're not going to talk about it. It didn't happen. Our ancestors' sufferings didn't matter. We're still being oppressed, dude. It's 2023. We can't even talk about it. Can't even say it.

You might be wrong, something like that anyway. What's up with the IRA? Is that still going on? No, not really. Is it peace in Ireland? Yeah, that has been. Yeah, there has been. The field?

Yeah. The bombs. Once you bring out the bombs, people start, you get the people. You get the air. Yeah, the Molotov. The most powerful people in the country. Yeah, especially when you start getting framed by, you know, MI6.

Yeah. It's my first buy at that point, though. They joined with the Protestants. Started framing the IRA for shit. Bullshit. Damn, Protestants. Nasty Protestants. Yeah.

They're the worst. Yeah, they're nasty, nasty. We're fighting a religion, different religions. They're all religion. The whole point of the religion is like every man for themselves. Like, yeah, I'm fucking, it's on you, bro. Don't bother me. And then the Vikings popped over there for a hot minute.

Yeah. To Ireland? Yeah. Yeah, that was wild. I watched a YouTube video. Yeah. Yesterday. I got Viking blood in me.

There you go. A little bit. I mean, you know, you know, loser and winner combined. Yeah. You know, it's a shame to think about. What? I pour a great, great, great, great, great. Seeing those, seeing the QAnon showman, dude,

coming off the boat. Storm and the Castle slain my great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather. Yeah. Fucking his wife. I mean, it's probably Jack that's fucking tall. Yeah. True.

Which obviously, you know, talking a long time back then. Yeah. Obviously, that's what I'm planning out. Back then, I mean, you know. Oh, that's where they're from. True. Oh, sure. They're sitting there and they were going,

we should go somewhere else and rape everyone. Yeah. Guys, you want to get in a boat and rape everybody, we find. Yeah, that's tough, though. That's like hitting these next. Sure, I'm not doing anything. Hitting Ireland with no concept of just like a number one spaz country must have been like,

hey, we'll chill on that place. That was crazy. That was really England hated Ireland because of the sexual licentiousness. They were like, just they were saying they went there. It was just disgusting. Really? Oh, dude, they're just dudes just fucking like they're.

Yeah. Like daughters. England and Ireland, they were the same. Yeah. Back in the day, Rome got there. That's who that must be. Rome got there and got in there. They just stopped at basically Scotland.

Yeah. Hadron's wall. They were like, nothing's good up there. Yeah, nothing's good in Ireland. Just a bunch of fucking swamp people. But then they got Britain, though. They took Britain. But even those people were out of control.

Yeah. Yeah. That's good. Good to know. They weren't always posh and proper. No. Walking through like. I think Ireland dominated England for a while.

Really? Yeah, back in the day. I can see that. I think with the Viking boys. Yeah. They teamed up. The Vikings just stayed in Ireland. Sweet.

Yeah. They weren't just raiding. They had like cities and shit. Oh, OK. Yeah. Like Dublin. Dublin was a Viking city. Really?

I believe so. Dolfsland. Yeah. Didn't they have like three different regimes come? Or Ireland? Wasn't it conquered like a multiple times? I think Vikings did a couple other people. Yeah.

They've all been conquered. Yeah. Over and over again. It's pretty tight. And the Anglo, the Saxons moved in. Ah, yes. So they're the Anglo-Saxons. The Saxons were from, sat like, Netherlands, Belgium area.

Because of Celts, the Saxons. All types of bullshit. And the Briggs. Who knows anything? True. I don't know. I just know I got that in the British. Somehow have Norwegian DNA, according to.

Oh, that's the Viking. Is that a fucking thing? Yeah. No, finish. Excuse me, finish. But I'm going to bore you guys my genetic profile. That's fine. My ancestral trauma.

We're all processing it the same way. You know what it carries over? Your ancestral, the trauma, it's still with you today. I know. If something bad happened to your ancestors, it's with you today. I mean, I'm going to ask that. I'm going to ask that you don't, when we play UFC,

that you don't jumble top people up on the ground. True. It's like spying ancestral trauma, and then I can't play. True. Oh, I want to play UFC, dude. I was warming up to watch it. I want to get this podcast done and just play UFC. Not on the real thing.

We should take a break every 10 minutes. We could stream an episode. Oh, Patriot. We could just play an episode right now. Head sets. We could do head sets at UFC and talk the entire time. I'll commentate. It'd be terrible.

It would just be. It would. Dude. This is button smashing. Sticky button. Button sucks. The guy, my guy sucks. Oh, let me cut that.

Let me cut that. I said, cut that. My button stuck there. Cut that part out. LaMaria, you were feeling good after that. You knocked out Nate Diaz with Max Holloway. I felt nice. It felt good.

And then what happened? Two first round knockouts. Out of the ground. Obviously. Right to the ground. I couldn't. Well, I knocked you out and then jumped on you. Yeah, it wasn't a take down.

Did you feel like you learned, though, like your game increased? On the ground? My game, I feel like it increases. I lose, but I'm like, I definitely get XP points every time I play. Makes sense. Going to the legs.

When you check my leg kick at the beginning of the end, if I get one leg checked, I fall apart. Yeah, you stop doing it. I fall apart. Yeah, I can play this. I notice that. LaMaria likes to open with a one, two leg combo. Yeah.

I know how you guys play. Yeah. You got to switch it up. You can't just go straight for the face. What's the pecking order right now versus LaMaria and Gardini? Who's better? Yeah, who won last time you guys play? I think Gardini.

I think LaMaria did. I believe these two humble superstars, too. All right, I hate how falsely humble you guys are. Disgusting. It was a couple of weeks ago. Well, I hope you guys do get out afterwards. I can't wait. I'm pretty excited.

How long we've been doing this? We have eight more minutes. Yes. How long? Eight more minutes left. Yes. Just to complete you have seen it again. No, I'm going to tell a story for eight minutes.

Go. Oh, shit. My dad used to sword fight. That's pretty good. You know how your shoulder is, honestly. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Do you ever think about turning around?

Do you ever think about turning around to a kiss? Playing the ultimate joke? Yeah. Blindfold, bobbin' for some apples. Being a little boy in the fountain is a thing to worry about. Oh, it nuzzle with it like a neck pillow on a plane. Dude, that must have lit up. I'm imagining there's other people in the bathroom

being like, this rules. Well, I was at home. What? We weren't doing that in the public. I thought you were like an Eagles game or something into the tub. No, I get arrested. Bro, I've been.

I basically did. Yeah, I've been hit with that. Over the shoulder pisses every night at end game. Oh, yeah. You get the troughs. You're a little kid. That's what I'm imagining. Go in, there's just two dicks.

Yeah. It's like headphones. Doesn't matter. When you're a kid, though, you're just like, god damn. Yeah, yeah. They're all huge and hairy as fuck. These are giant. And they got weird marks on them and shit.

Yeah. Different colors. Yeah. The multicolored dick. You ever see that in porn? No. Yeah. It looks like a push pop.

It's like red. Uncircumcised. Well, no, there's that too. But there's one guy, he's like kind of tan and then super white on the top. Pull it up. Is that a white? Is that tan dung?

He's a white guy, but a tan dung on the top. Yeah, like where the foreskin would be, it becomes very pink. And he's pretty well endowed. Really? He's like got two dicks. That's pretty cool. Got like a dolazole. Wish I had a huge dick.

Yeah. Wonder how that would affect your life. That'd be a cool back to the future type of thing where you go back and you get like a huge dick and you got to put it on your body. Hey, mom, tries to fuck you. What the fuck? She fucks you, she doesn't want your dad after.

She's stretched out. Apparently girls don't love huge dicks, I'm hearing. They hate them, dude. Yeah, they despise them. They honestly do hate them. All right. Keep hearing that. I don't know.

I hope so. The ones that do like them are fucking disgusting, dude. They talk about it a lot. Yeah, the ones that hit the deck was huge. They have like hip problems. I think the girls that love fake dicks have like hip disorders. They're not going to make it to 85.

No, they'll break a femur. My theory was that it was like an evolutionary thing where you want to get that thing beat up with a big old dung so you can ease the pains of childbirth. Whoa. That was my question. Don't say whoa. Interesting.

Now, also can a baby feel good if you're that much of a size queen? Some do. No way. Some clean orgasm sometimes? Some clean orgasm. They have the underwater things and they go, ugh. Pedophile.

Orgasm and, yeah, true. But imagine what a heavenly birth that would be. You as a child coming out of your mother's orgasm vagina. That would be, you know. Oh my god. Maybe you gave your mom an orgasm. Just some biochemical standpoint, though, because otherwise you're just like your mom's freaking out.

You're still kind of connected to her. So you're getting that like epinephrine dump and your mom's like, you're a baby just going, why am I getting all these fucking chemicals? And you get clamped down. Fucking. I don't think you have any thoughts. No, but you're feeling, you're getting,

like if your mom's spazzing the whole time while they're pregnant with you, you're getting the taste of all those like neurotransmitters. Whatever it is. It stinks. No, it's good to have. You want to get ready for life. You're a void.

You're a non-sentient being and a void. Come out to fucking squirt, cum. Ah. Yeah, but you're feeling it on the way out. You're going, oh, fuck. Yeah, you're going, ew, and then you're a sexual freak, dude. You're like a non-conscious entity just experiencing states. No, you need to experience the worst hardships immediately.

You're slapped in the face by the doctor. Exactly. Slapped by a stranger immediately. What if he slaps your mom and mom and goes, oh. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Spank her too. Dude, I don't like squirting. What?

I love squirting. I'm pouring on me. Oh, I'm pouring. It grosses me to fuck out, dude. Why? The way they act. The women are like, ah. I'm like the dudes from Mad Max, dude.

I'm at the bottom of the can, and you go, ah. Yeah. Yes. I don't like it. Yeah, I think it's a good thing. I think it's a good thing, but you know. I'm out of a gross phase in porn. Really?

I don't really like the gross stuff. I don't like it. What's the, what's, what would be gross? Like gang bang or something? Yeah. I'm kind of with you. I'm looking at like Ikea ads now. I saw a gang bang.

The last one I watched was like a, there was a bunch of dudes fucking a lady, and some of them were like, disgustingly fat dudes. It was like, ew. Yeah. Too many dudes. Haven't just poor lady. Haven't viewed since August.

That's pretty good. Nice. Haven't viewed since August. It's been August since you watched porn. It does help, but I have fallen to audio content. That's fine. Honestly, it's good because you let yourself ramp yourself up to the point where like I have to jerk off.

Yeah. And then you have some lady, and you're like, oh. What are you doing here? It's like audio books. Perfect. You ever watched a gang bang porn and you hear the guys goofing off? No.

They do the whole time. They all say stuff and laugh. Do they really? It's disgusting. Damn, that'd be great podcast. What are you guys backing up on this? I've never seen that. I've never seen that either.

I know who has. What else are you doing? You know, it's just one lady. Yeah, you gotta get a tic-tac out. Did you fall? Tyrus? Did you fall? I can't stop watching it, dude.

How are they goofing? Are they goofing on the lady? Or goofing just on like each other? Just gross, like. I'm going to go. I don't know how to. I'm like, yeah, man. Get in there.

Oh, I've heard that. That's different. Like, yeah. Give her that. That's the last thing I want to hear. Yeah, you're joking. I'm like, come on, guys. Come on, guys.

I just want to watch this lady get defiled. Don't finish. And I feel bad for her. That's what I like. That's the one thing. If you don't watch porn, you avoid that after. Because I would jerk off when I didn't have to jerk off. Yes.

Same. And that's what you get out of that. That's the road. Which is nice. Yeah. I don't know. We've had this discussion over. Empty vessel with like a sore bird on that stinks in a hotel.

If you go too hard with a sore bird, then that does suck. That's what I'm saying. What was that for? He piss in it. He's talking about. Yeah. You don't want that. That's that's my.

Take care. That's my zone. Nice. Get a little hotel lotion. That's enough. That's enough for two. I'm a fucking lotion hog. Yeah, you must be.

Yeah, you are. That's easy for two. Really? I get down to the last drop. Have to go in the shower. Get some conditioner. Yeah. I've done that.

I'll polish it off. Put some water in it. Stationary conditioner. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Stationary conditioner. Yeah. I haven't used. Bernie gave me shaving cream recently. I was just using like a bar of soap and she gave me shaving cream and I smelled it. It was like, oh, I should jerk off of this stuff. I forgot about it. Oh, yeah.

You've been shaving with a bar of soap. Yeah. I just rub a bar of soap and lather up and shave. Oh, wow. I never even heard of that. What are you Irish? Yeah. Yeah.

I was like, I was like, I don't feel like buying shaving cream. I was like, I'm done with it. And dude, I was used to it, but I used to cream. I'm like, whoa, this is so much. You whacked off of the shaving. Women shaving cream, bro. That was a good gel. I've never whacked off with that. It goes away quick though.

That's the product. Stay out of the water, dude. It does this job. You hit the water. Go on. It's slick. Conditioner is a good conditioner. That's where you put a hurting on your bird.

Yes. In the shower. When you're a young man in the water. Burn the pee hole too. Yeah. Shampoo. No, no, no. Conditioner.

Wait, wait, wait. Conditioner also removes Vaseline from you. If you have a Vas-dub-dong. Oh. Yep. Good to know. That's dude. Let me do sex ed.

I should do sex ed. Vaseline is no joke. We gotta get you into a school. I try to get myself into school to do a program. Put on a dress. Try to get in. Not the sex ed. Oh.

In a dress. That's the good way to get in. What if we could do that as a nice bit? What? We could do a drag show of reading for kids. Pull out my dick. It's a very dress. It's a very dress.

Small flaccid piece. And when it starts, just take your fucking dress off in a suit and be like, we're reading the Bible. Oh, shit. Yeah. Flip it on him. Yeah. I thought your agent provocateur, where you go in there, then you like show kids your

penis and ruin it for all the drag school things. You're getting so much more trouble for that. That Bible thing. Yeah. Yeah. And the drag thing. You'd be arrested. Showing kids your butthole.

Reading the Bible. Yeah. Go out to a drag dance, show your dick, show your buddy like, nah, I'm fucking around. That's weird. We're gonna read the Bible. So just cleaning up a shit you just took on the gym floor. I bet we could get a drag brunch. Oh, yeah.

You could easily contact a public library in New York or one of these coffee shops and be like, I work for a drag company of dancers. I can't say no. They have to say yes. We get the podcast in there. You can do it right now. Yeah, we can do it today. Yeah.

Put on that joke. They can say yes. It's gaggy on Dilip's nose. The pokey puppy. All right. That seems like eight minutes. I mean, we got UFC to play. Yes.

My internal clock for UFC. Wait, that was an hour? Yeah, dude. Jesus, I flew by. It did. Yeah. We got to do another one too. Why does it smell over there?

What's going on? Who farted? It's a mystery. You fought? You were the man who fought. Tyrus! Did you fight? No.

I am not farting. You would have been happy. You would have been happy. Lamar, I got in a race war at JFK with Nate. Yeah. Yeah, we got in an argument over Joe Kitch versus Embiid. He loves Embiid. I finally, because when I'm with Nathan, we like to joke around about race quite a bit.

And usually he's totally impervious to it, no matter what I say. Nate. Nate Marshall. Oh, OK. But finally, I found it. I found it. Obviously, he loves Joel Embiid, and he thinks there's a conspiracy against Joel to win the MVP.

Well, dude, he did have, like, he had better seasons than Joe Kitch those years he's dropped. Both years? Yeah. Maybe at least the second year he did. I think the second year was definitely questionable. Yeah. This year is Joe L. For sure.

Hey, Zell. If Joe Kitch wins this year, you guys got a point. Or Deer and Fox. True. Deer and Fox. Especially lately. If you try with the beard who was like racist against JJ Redick. No.

No. What's the announcer? That black guy who's like super racist. So that's what Nate used that as an example of like, well, since Kendrick called it out, now Joel's going to win. And it's like, bro, dude, Redick went fucking hard. I was surprised. Redick fucking.

Yeah. Dude, if you look at ESPN, it's it's racial all day. Yeah, I know. If you look at the bottom line, like, while they're like NBA scores this and they'll just be like, this happened in the Bundesliga. A German soccer player got racist against. I feel like they're like, I feel like they're like this though, sports and race are ultimately tied.

Definitely. And I feel like people at ESPN feel very obligated because they're all a bunch of white people. Right. Then all they do is coast off. Yeah. American excellence. The owner of things kind of difficult. It's got to be the most diverse channel.

ESPN. No. Yeah. I mean, but no, I mean, just all they do is play highlights of different races. Yeah. True. It is. And then they're just shoving fucking women's basketball up our ass.

Oh, yeah. That's cool. That's been. And they're, yeah, they loved that. Yeah. They loved it. They loved it. They were like, Angel Reese is the greatest of all time.

Can we go back to ESPN? Not caring about them? Yes. We can. Okay. But they found the only way for everybody to care about when it's basketball or just race war. Good point.

Good for them. And the white chick was cooking, dude. That's a good one for the whites. There's a white chick from Iowa named Caitlin hitting like step back three. Oh, really? On the logo. Yeah. She was so much better than that.

Angel Reese chick. Really? Yes. Then she won. But the team was significantly better. Yeah. The stuff's bleeding out and everything now. Now, did you see the picture of all the Democrats drinking Bud Light together casually?

And now that's a big thing. I did see that. Yeah. There's like four Asian senators like sipping Bud Light's down with them. It was so fun. What were they drinking? Bud Light's. Yeah.

Yeah. It's funny that that's a thing now. It's cooking up, dude. It's getting going. We're getting ready for another election. It's time to fire up racial sex. Yeah. Can't handle it.

It's time to fire it up. Get ready. Bomber. It's coming. That'll be fun. There you go. That's the buzzer. That is, dude.

There it is. Final word. We got into racism and now a fort. That ends it. Goodbye. Safe. Bye.