Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 441 - B.L.A.D.E.Z. (feat. Chris O'Connor & Tommy Pope)

Episode Date: May 3, 2023

Support the D.A.W.G.Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod Support Chris and Tommy @ patreon.com/stuffisland Go See Matt Live @ mattmccusker.com/dates Go See Shane Live @ shanemgillis.com HELLO. wuts gudddd. We're joined by the Stuff Eye bros this week. And guess what ... the cast is as HOT as a MF. Support Stuff Island. God bless Chris and Tom. God bless us all. Please enjoy.  Get 20% off your first order of Liquid Death @ liquiddeath.com/drenched Go to https://auraframes.com/mssp and get up to $30 off today

Cat Scoring Goal, I saw this as Chris written all over it, Chris is going to love this Cat Scoring Goal. Wait, dude, is this that autistic dude that says like mundane shit? Bru, it walks off like it's something intense. There's a crazy event happening this weekend. Have we begun? Have we begun? Dude, did we ever even stop? That's the question from last week. That's the question.

This is big. Dude. Just a Cat Scoring Goal. Autism Watch. That's fucking... Did you say that? Is that real? No, no, no, no.

Turn the start over! Start over! Start over! Holy shit. Yeah. Cat ran on the pitch. Put it up and behind it. Hit the goal.

With a tail flick? I didn't see the other players, I thought it was tough. It was tough. Dude, a cat can do that. Dolphins can do it. Dolphins easily. Damn, my dad's on the cat. It's crazy what they can do these days.

I don't know anything. The coolest stuff is found every day. A cat wondering on a scoring goal on a soccer. I'm like, that definitely happened. The first time I watched it, I had a moment where I was like, you can't train a cat. Yeah, the first time you see it, the first time the ball hits, I'm like, maybe that happened. Yeah, I have a child's brain. Like they purposely hit him?

Yeah, the ball was just going by and he hit it. I've seen some dogs surfing. Bulldogs sitting on the front of a surfboard. Dude leaning into a skateboard? A cat hitting a fucking upper 90. It was going so fast. The rest of the thing was a cat at a press conference. It was funny.

Watching like a fat security guard trying to catch like a raccoon on a baseball field. It was funny. I was watching, yeah, there's some good animals on, animals on field, compilations on YouTube. You can treat yourself to that. Can we just bleep what the cat did so no one knows? No, no, no. In fact, we're going to attach the intro.

The intro. I'll send you the video. That's the intro. It's a scoring goal. In no way a cat can... How the heck are you guys? But yeah, both of you guys have been sending me that South African guy. I assume.

He's so fucking funny. He's hilarious. He's locked on to the way you locked on to cat videos. Cat videos are... I can't get enough of this guy. Every 10 minutes. I hate him. Did I send you the one with the Prince Harry?

Prince Harry gave up a whole nation for his girlfriend. Yeah. Don't you dare settle for anything than total commitment. His comments are just ladies being like, Oh my God, finally a nice guy. I know. It's them doing gorgon. Instead of like hot guys being, you know,

Pedro Salinas, gorgeous. Yeah, yeah. It's just, it's just fucking girls being like, It's about time guys stand up. But he's also like, he's, it's so transparent. Like what he's going through. Like there'll be one where he's like, he's like, You fuck with my family.

You fuck with me. And then the next one will be like, Listen, don't just ghost me. Don't say I ghost you. I leave you. You'll tell when my love is gone. If I don't reply immediately. He's wearing just like a Bart Simpson.

Apparently like an $800 shirt from Balenciaga. Sure. Sure. Someone told me that and I went, what the hell? Dude, he's a sociopath who just reads bumper stickers and like they're powerful and then walks off. I mean, I've gone on to watch his YouTube vlog and I think it's very illuminating.

Yeah. He's just a hot dumb guy. He's a hot dumb guy who's plugged into a thing. And it's just like, So you can do these days is if you get, like you got to get super jacked and then you can just walk around and put on like cool kid clothes. Yeah.

And say something stupid. Yeah. He's got like $500,000 followers. It's a highly profitable endeavor. He's a consultant. I actually love girls. And if you were with me, I would be nice to you and I would never be mean.

I've got a couple of these. There's versions of it. There's like Western guys. I got Cowboys. Oh, yeah. I remember this guy. Cowboy hats. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, it's like the. What I would wear on my first date with you. It's a cowboy guy. It's a Christian cowboy. It's a Christian cowboy. The romance novels for the modern age. Yeah.

There's just the deconstructive romance. They also do those. There's females that are romance novel authors that make Instagram reels. I was in that hole for a while. Wait, what? One girl is like a hockey groupie. So she only writes romantic novels for like hockey.

So it'll be like when your boy friend versus your ex boyfriend meet on the ice. And it's just like a hockey clip. Two guys fighting. I feel like people that write romance novels, there's no way they're good in bed. You know what I mean? They're just fantasizing about being good in bed.

I bet they're pretty good. That's all I do. That's all you can do, dude. Good in bed. Describing these sexual encounters. It's like they've probably never been, you know, fingered in the woods. No, I bet they're maniacs.

They probably blush. I'd imagine they blush. I mean, just imagine fingering your third grade English teacher. Yeah. It's easy to write. It's easy to write. I remember which one it was.

It is a blush. She's passed away. Was there any of your teachers in grade school you would have taken down? Oh, 100%. I was an art teacher. I think she was grooming me. Really?

Yeah. What was she doing? She would come to my house personally and we were private lessons. I'm going to put McRoy on your penis, Tommy. She was talking like... You had an art teacher that came and gave you private lessons?

Yes. Whoa. Yes, and she would like... She would like get close. You're good at art though. You're really good at art. Yeah, thanks. That'd be awesome for an art teacher.

It'd be funny if that's how all the guys in the Renaissance were, which is Tommy's. So you want me to fucking... What do you want on that roof? Just take your beer breaks because my neck hurts from painting the ceiling. Look at his little pecker.

Put a little pecker on him. Everybody's got small dicks on purpose. Fuck him. If I got to live with it, he dies. You're not one hog. Look at this. I made a fucking flying machine. It spins around.

You fly. Waffle, Angel. Dude. It does seem like something Tommy would come up with. It's literally a corkscrew. Michael Angel has designed DaVinci. DaVinci, yeah. He can go fuck himself.

Those designs sucked. Every one of the drawings is like something I came up with in like fifth grade. He was musk for back then. He was coming up with futuristic weapons. Yeah, he was. You guys got to see some of my barnapkin drawings. They're fucking out there.

You're drawing. Your painting's good. I saw it. I admired your art. I said, wow. That's nice. I'll bring it up here. I love it.

I'd like that. We need some... Yeah, I need some more art. Wow, wow, Wes. With the teacher I wanted to fuck. Yeah, you should name her on this. Yeah. She'd love to hear it.

She's probably dead by now or something. Think she's dead? I don't know. Self-inflicted or you think old age? I don't know what she looked exactly like. Pam Anderson. There's no way. To me.

To me. To me. To me. To me. She looked exactly like Pam Anderson. I'm not the father of the whistle. Go to the goog. Yeah.

People are going to find this one. You're going to find her obituary, dude. She's dead. No. She's changed her name multiple times. What? I don't know. There's no way they're going to find her.

Yeah, we had an eighth grade teacher. She was old, but she had giant tits. And it made everyone... Everyone was like, she's so hot. Yes, dude. It's crazy how she was not hot. Yeah, but you're 13. You got waterbed tits, dude.

It doesn't matter what you look like. We had a certified babe. When I was in eighth grade, the fifth grade teacher was a certified babe. And I used to, like, disrupt her. You found her already? You found her? That's insane, dude. I don't know what it might be.

Definitely. Oh, dude. That's babe teacher. Yeah. Oh, really? Good for her. Shut it up, dude. Just kind of...

How's that geometry going? Beaver name. Set it up. You seriously could probably take her down. I don't want to... And if she has a family, I don't want to disrupt her, but, like, you could probably take her down now. I bet.

Kind of what's stopping you, dude. What is she tutoring? Social studies? Yeah, that's it. Bro, I forget all the capitals. He's getting worked up. I know him, dude. I forgot all the capitals.

Stacy. I need help. Oh, what's the capital of Thailand? Bangkok. Let's kiss. Yeah. What did you say? What did you just have a background in history?

What's your marital status, dude? Get to the good. Yeah. Dude, that'd be so hot. You'd be like Macron from France. I don't think it would matter. She knew it was you. We had some lesbian teachers, too.

There was two... Yeah, they're called gym teachers? No, no. They're math. They're math. True. They're math teachers. Dog the bounty hunter.

Dude, we had a dog the bounty hunter gym teacher. I think she wore, like, wrap around Oakley's. Oh, dude, we had a gym teacher in high school. That was dog the bounty hunter, pure dog the bounty hunter. She would call us snakes. She'd be like, get in there, snake. Come on, snake. Oh, my God.

Dude, she was the best. Speaking of heaters, dog the bounty hunter's ladies dits are enormous. Oh, she's dead. Oh, she died? She died. From what? Meal over death. The cartel, send her head over on a turtle.

Dog was like, oh, no. No, fuck. Did she look, like, kind of just like him? Yes. That's so hot. The final lady looks the most like you, and then have sex with her until she dies. Maybe the worst bad breath face in history. Dog the bounty hunter's wife?

Yeah. Why? For sure. Bad breath face. I got a bad breath face here. You can see bad breath on someone's face. At that point, her titswet could be, like, in the zone of the breath. Imagine titswet stinks.

Don't be smart. Dog's beautiful. That casket had springs on it. Shocks. Dude, that's kind of bullshit. We don't seek out someone who looks like the most like us to mate with and then just fucking... It's just your sister. True.

Well, nonrelated, obviously. It's just your sister. I think a lot of people do that. What? They do do that. There are couples where they do look like they're... Well, there's like a science where you constantly look at yourself and then you see yourself as the standard of beauty. What the hell happened to me?

What science is that? I was hoping to follow up. Who told you that you were... Somebody told you, no, you're right to think that. No, I think there's like a... Every time you look at me, you're like, this is it. No, I mean, there's a... I said just the wrong words, but there's like a normalcy...

There's a normalcy to your angles and your look so that when you see somebody, it looks like you're like... If I see a woman that looks like me, I go... I feel her pale. It's like that Chappelle sketch when the haters go back in time. He's like, don't make fun of him, buck nasty. One of them could be a great, great granddaddy. And then he looks up and he sees somebody's like... Yeah, I'd be opposite.

If I see a woman who looks even remotely like me, I want to physically attack her. Yeah. I want to destroy her. Yeah. Dude, you know what I realized you can do in your car in road rage? If you're road raging with a woman, you're within your legal right from your car to go... Oh, yeah. From your car.

Don't. I may or may not have employed it today. I heard you road raging. You were road raging against a black lady when we were on the... I did. I did. I road raged her, yes. She was road raging with me.

It was like an intense one. She road raged me. I was chilling. I was dude chill zone 10 o'clock in the morning. It's like, I'm at my zenith of chill. No, it was 10 o'clock in the morning because I was on the phone with you. You were getting up a little early every now and again. And I think it was heading to work out.

Okay. 10 30 workout. Bam. For a second I was like, oh fuck dude, it could have been bullshit. But no, I was pulling up and there was traffic on Gerard Avenue. Just, you know, like a little two lane street in Philly. And I go to pull up and there's like a break in the traffic because I'm at a red light ready to make a right. Like 20 feet behind me.

There was like a lady. So I didn't have the light, but I was like, I have nothing but space and I'm pulling in the traffic. So I just pulled right in and stopped. Yeah. Dude, she pulled behind me fucking let off the loudest, most insane honk. Just a big fat, like pissed off black lady. Just, just fully shaking her fucking car, screaming out of her window.

And I chilled for a minute and I stopped and I went, roll my window down. I went, shut the fuck up. She went ballistic. Dude, they treat. Yeah. She kept going down. I love it. I don't care.

I don't care. I don't care. I got pulled back. No, everybody treats Gerard like fucking Frogger. They just don't stop. And there's not that many lights. Dude, when I was in college, I lived in North Philly and two people, it was like older lady and then a younger dude or just sitting in the middle of the street, like the turning lane.

And as I went to turn, she pushed this kid in front of like my car. These are pedestrians. Yeah. And it hooked the purse of this, the younger one. And they made, another car made me pull over as if I hit this person. They pull out like a siren and fucking. No, he's like coming up and he's like, you hit it. You hit it.

Going fucking nuts. So I pull over and then I was, I just got out and I'm like, you okay? She dropped her purse. Right. And I'm like, are you okay? I'm just passing through. And then I realized the kid's like mentally ill. So the girl's like, yes.

And then she go, the mom's like, she's not okay. She's not okay. And now I'm in this like, she's fine. She just said, and then she went, no. And they took my license plate like 30, 30 days later, I got a fucking. What did you get in the mail? I had to go to court and they had to settle with my insurance company. They tried to get like 350 grand.

Eventually settled out of court for like 1500 bucks. Frogger. All right. Oh my God. 350,000. It's like, all right, we're going to give you a thousand. Deal. That's a fucking scam.

They just chill in the middle of the streets looking for a payout. I fell for it. I was young and dumb, full of calm. Yeah, I just kept moving. Yeah, I couldn't do the, the, the, the police, the people's police were out and about trying to, they would have fucked me up. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, you might have been in on the scam. You almost got WWE. Yeah. You almost got. Oh yeah. The scam expert. LaBear. LaBear.

Come on, say it. Seems like a no. I'll leave him be. Oh yeah. I can tell when there's a no. He's got a pack. You got a pack of scams? Yeah.

He's been scammed. I can, I can tell when. You have been scammer. You doing scamming. He got scammed. Let's go. We've already talked about it. But he was, he was, uh.

We were in Milwaukee, got on Milwaukee, gone wild, self-reddit. Tried to, dude, tried to join an orgy. They made him buy a ticket. He was like, I'm only going to give you half. Then he got to the holiday end and the days in or wherever there's a holiday in Milwaukee. And they were like, he was like, all right, I'm here. They were like, we're too busy. We're too busy.

We're too busy. We can't let you in. How much is, how much you lose? Oh, that's not too bad. That's a fun time. 100 bucks thinking you're about to come. Yeah. That's tough.

It's, you know, it's what it's attached to. Yeah. But the emotional roller coaster rides kind of fun, you know. Yeah. I was a fun story. I was happy about it. Your heart beats. It's flopping at a level.

Once you walk in that day's in, you're getting psyched dude. That's why the hundred bucks feel something in Milwaukee. There's nothing else to do. 100 bucks on the face. Narrow honestly. Yeah. You should have just jerked off to the idea of it happening. I'm sure he did.

I'm about to beat up. I've done that. I've done that a couple of times. I've been on the pages and then just, and then just texted someone and they'll be like, I'll meet you right now. And I just jerk off. I ordered one in, in Montana and this rhino showed up and I was like, I shot the door outside.

I was like, I knew I should have done this. Dude. Beating off. It was backwards. It was fucking nuts. It's like the Harry Potter portal. Just into like, you're standing right at like, like platform 33. You're about to go through into another part of life.

There is something hot about like just reading like the descriptions of like who you could possibly walk these days in as a get an ear support with a phone call is a very dangerous game as well. But I don't know. They're talking to like, never mind. They'll get you. They protect their own dude. This is blue line.

They back blue. Yeah, I think, I don't know. How do you think hookers are doing now? You think they're like thriving or you think they're getting backpaged out of existence or what? Like it seems like they're doing pretty good. Yeah. They just start doing that.

I follow them on Twitter. No. Yeah. You follow back page hookers on Twitter. Yeah. Well, they've been dispersed, dude. I follow a couple. Why?

I just want to see what they're up to. You know what they're up to? They're fucking guys. But it's still the pottery. It's interesting because they're always like, they just, they make me mad because they're like, they tweet stuff. They fucking serial. A hundred percent.

A little bit of sex workers make me mad. What? I follow them on social media. He's pissing on fucking him. No, not that mad. They just like, they'll always be like, oh man, I tripped today. Can someone send me 200 bucks? It'll be like that kind of stuff.

Yeah, they're like alt comics. Yeah. Exactly. Dude. We're trying to put together a tour. Yes. Can my aunt send me $200? Yes.

They post dates. Or some guy that wants to. Oh yeah. Or they post dates. They post, they'll be like going to be. They're whole things. They're trying to take advantage of the weak minded. They're like, they're like pastors.

You know, pastors are just selling this, the fake story of Jesus to fucking kind of true to mentally ill people. Talking about the fake story. Yeah, dude. Even if, okay, let's get into it, dude. Even if it's Jesus is just a historical person. Yeah. What a great person.

That fucking ripple effect he's had on the history of humanity. Yeah. Take away the transcendent element, dude. I'm just, it's more about the pastors. I work that. These guys need to tone it down with all their goods. Yeah, those late night pastors. They got to hide some money, dude.

Yeah. Well, again, that's just another, they're like hookers for religion. It's like. Exactly. Yeah. That's fair. But again, if, you know, woe to them who fucking fall for such a thing. Yeah.

You see the dude in like Detroit that just got fucking. You think Jesus would protect fools. He was showing up in like a Bentley and like diamond suits and shit. And then there's some dog shit church in Detroit. Dude, these people are trying to eat dinner. Yeah. But every once in a while you start watching them and you start thinking like, could I do that?

Yeah. Like how long would it take me to, to rise the ranks? We had a friend in Philly's to whose dad was a pastor. You need charisma, dude. You need lots of charisma. Yeah. You stage presence. Yeah.

Yeah. Not going to do it. I've been watching the tape recently. Tommy's got some stage presence. Yeah. You know, Hitler could have been a great pastor. Yeah. You know, he was.

He was a great pastor. I guess. He would have made a pretty poor rabbi though. I got a hunch. I'm sorry, dude. I haven't had a beer yet. I don't want to do it. So you hate these early KS's.

You hate the priestly class. Huh? You hate the priestly class. I do. Yeah. I got real stickler about those motherfuckers these days. Gotcha. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. You're not the only one. There's a couple guys I like. Bill Burr seemed to. He had some jokes that were like that. About the priests. About like growing up in that. Yeah.

Yeah. It's not just a priest though. It's like I was pissed at my parents for a while. For what? My dad never went to church, but like he formulated it like a system like where I, if you didn't go, you were like grounded and shit. Yeah. Imagine what else you might have gotten into if you didn't go to church.

Imagine having kids. You don't go to church and you get to send your kids away for an hour and a half every Sunday. Yeah. That's great. Every Sunday just like you guys go. Yeah. Or you're grounded.

Yeah. Awesome. I'd have like three religions for my kids. Yeah. How bought into it were you as a child? It's never. I was all in. I mean in grade school.

I'm all in. Yeah. I was all in grade school. Were you? Yes. I was fully committed. Up to like seventh grade. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I was on my hands and knees doing prayers at night. And fifth grade. I think. Give me the whole thing. Maybe I'm figuring out why I'm pissed. They fucking tricked me.

You're just like kissing the guy through the confession screen. Yeah. Yeah. I feel different. I'm ever being younger. Man. That's not. I brought up really.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I brought up religion. Who cares? Who cares? Religion rules. We talk religion.

I love religion, dude. Are you a Buddhist or something like that now? I could see you being like. No, I never. I can never get like that into it because then you're just doing all these like rituals every day. It's like I couldn't possibly. Yeah.

Down like say words my ancestors for real. You seem like a very spiritual dude though. I do. I have a ritual I do in the morning where I blast cold water on myself and imagine the like the unfathomable depths of space. And I go man. I should be alive. Yeah.

I hit cold water on myself and I go and it hits me and I go one day all my particles will be out in deep dark cold space. I just go. I might as well take advantage of this now. That's my ritual. I do. That's pretty good. That's like.

That's meditation. I'm pretty Zen, I guess. I guess you could say. But they all school up all those things school up and it turns into a fucking cold eventually and it's like. Thank you. You gotta it's it's it's feels like it's easy to slip into the cultness of it. Yeah.

You know, cause it's so nice to believe in a higher power. Yeah. Yeah. I went to when I was in a Rhode Island and I was driving home in a past the Vedanta society, which is like a it's like a sect of Hinduism and I was like, dude, I want to go in there. I've never passed a place like that. I want to see what it was like. So I got up at like 530 the morning and went to like their morning service.

Dude, I use I sat on a fuck. It was so sick. They're very sweet. You went to a Hindu service. Yeah. Yeah. This weekend I got up like 530. And I did not tell telling your friends that should be the first thing out of your mouth.

A hundred percent. Really? I forgot all about it, dude. I went to the one in. It was fucking sick. It was only like six people, but I rolled in and it was just like to always shit. They were probably like, all right, this is it. Yeah.

Here's the shooter. Here he is. What kind of people were in there? He's here. He's here. He's here. He's here. I am become death.

He's face timing. It was that we went. We just sat in silence. Live streaming. Live streaming. We just sat on pillows on this on an altar for like an hour. The whole when I went in, I was like, oh shit, am I sitting in like the wrong spot? Because it just it's totally silent.

Yeah. Then a lady like got up after an hour or lady went and got up and hit a keyboard. It was like. Oh, he's new. He's just chilled. I was like, this is awesome. Nobody said hi to you or what are you doing here? No, they welcome you.

They have to grab an extra pillow over there. No, there's one on there. Thank God. Yeah. So yeah. So we just chilled in there. It's like a Moroccan restaurant. Dude, it was nice, dude.

You just sat like Indian style. Yeah. I want my knee start to hurt. So I can't. That's the thing too. It's totally silent. I'd be like. I'm trying to move my knee.

In the morning. Dude, in the morning, my stomach the whole time. Oh. Mine was growling, but the lady was being really loud, which I was like, thank God. Because if she would do something loud, then I'd be like, like move my legs. You got to time it with the big brother. That's insane. You did this.

Dude, she hit the key. They just did this whole thing. And I was like sitting there and a dude just slid me a book. He's like, here you go. And it's like pointed to the page. She's like, we're right here. And I was like, thanks, brother. It was just me.

But when I first went in there, I was nervous because I was like, I had my eyes closed. I never seen these guys. I don't know these guys. I was like expecting them to clobber me. One dude just beat my ass and be like, we got him. I mean, imagine your wife not thinking you're fucking somebody else. You're like, I'm just going to go to a Hindu church at 530. You got nothing to bring on the proof that you didn't fuck somebody.

I was laughing. It's like that meme. They think like you're thinking about other girls and I was. I was in like a non-dualist temple. That is a great fucking way to start cheating on your spouse. Just like start this whole program where you're checking out new religions every early morning. Dude, I took I took the most challenging. That's the farting thing.

Remind me, I took the most challenging shit of my entire life. Recently, I was at 7th Street Comedy Club and I like had to shit so bad. It's a tiny little room and the bathroom is like a thin door right next to the showroom. And I literally and I had I had explosive, explosive, like, like I couldn't hold it. I tried to hold it for like 45 minutes. And then Aaron Burgers on stage, Aaron Burgers on stage and literally said, it's like, you can hear people shitting. That's how like small this room is.

I literally I was holding it. I was holding it. I was straight up Shawshank Redemption. Like I was I was farting when he would get laughs. Like I was just nice and it was so painful. I can't tell who that came from. We're all one being anyway. He was on stage.

What's the difference? Guys, I can fart constantly. We're all particles. They're just particles. They're made out of stardust just like you. That gas was destined to escape. Of course. Someday you'll meet that gas again.

I mean, if the universe is infinite, eventually your particles will meet that party. For sure. In the swirling in the swirling cosmos. I'll just smell it one last time. So how did it end up? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I got away with it. Dude, I was so some girl fainted. It was freezing like crazy. It took me his entire set to get the shit out. How was the life? Clean. That's what's up. I was letting it out just like...

There is something that happens before shows where you rush the shit. If I'm about to go on and I have to shit, you gotta rush it. Then you gotta dirty ass. Ew. Yeah. It happens. They make tubs of Vaseline for your lips. Then you take your pants off later and it smells.

Oh my... No, Chris. Good Lord. Not that dirty. I bet it does. Liquid Death's Mountain Water. Flavored sparkling water and iced tea made look like a Tall Boy can. Sweet.

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Wow. Let's get back to the show, please. Let me ask you a question. You got it. Feel free to jump in on this one. Yeah. What if you could put all of your photos onto one gorgeous frame? Oh, I'd love it.

You can. I can. With a connected frame from Aura. Shane, it was named the best digital photo frame by Wirecutter and the strategist and featured in hundreds of gift guys. Aura frames are guaranteed to make mom or grandma smile. I'd really like that because my grandma hasn't smiled in a while. My grandma has passed away. Same.

I could put one of those auras on her tombstone, which I've never visited once. What would you put pictures of? Ronnie Coleman. Me having fun. True. I'm alive. Just to have anyone grieving just be like, hey, what are you doing over there? It must be nice not suffering at all.

Hope you're having fun down there. I can't wait. Well, Shane, it takes just minutes to set up for years of enjoyment. What would you load on your frame? We already talked about that. Sports. Taunting our dead. Taunting our dead relatives.

Invite as many people as you want to add their photos to the frame. You never know what fun or embarrassing moments you'll get to relive. Oh my God. Right now, Aura has a great deal for Mother's Day. Listeners can save on the perfect gift by visiting AuraFrames.com slash MSSP. That's A-U-R-A frames.com slash MSSP. Use code MSSP to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on their best-selling Carver frames. This deal ends on May 14th, so don't wait.

Terms and conditions obviously apply. And Sean, you have something. Sean has a show at the stand. I have a show at the stand. It's May 3rd, which is when this is coming out this evening. If you're listening right now, I'd really appreciate it. You're going to get this out this evening? No, it's tomorrow.

Tomorrow? Okay. Well, don't be fucking around with days like that, dude. I can't tell. Thank you. Thank you. Matt, let's get back to the show where we're having a great time with our friends, Chris and Tommy.

Hey, guys. Vaz is in my road kit now. They have these little tiny tubs. They have tiny tubs for chap lips. Yeah, my ass is, dude, first shit of the weekend. My ass is just completely disarray. That little, it's a tiny tub of Vaz. Did you get birth to your kids?

Why is it all fucked up? No, because when you take a shit and then you don't get to wipe properly, you go on stage, you do the whole night. It gets chapped. Yeah, it gets all fucking blistery or whatever that is, man. If you don't wipe your ass right, dude, it just like shit just destroys your body. Yeah, I told you. Do you have a squatty or a tushy?

No, I have a travel one, but I always forget it, but I take the trash can. But it's like once I'm in the club, I have to shit. What do you mean a travel one? You have a travel squatty potty. They fold out. No, a bidet. A bidet. A travel bidet?

No, no, no. Just a bidet at home. What happens to me when I'm gone? I have a bidet. The line broke. I get a new one. Yeah, you got a wet toilet paper. You got to bring some wet wipes.

I'm saying that road trail. Bring us up. Well, that's the vase. Just fucking smear it with vases. Yeah, yeah, dude. Move on. I was putting aquifer on my butthole for a while. Aquifer.

Yeah. Why don't you get just preparation age? Isn't that vassaline? Isn't that... It's proper, yeah. Just for your butthole vassaline? That was like something different, though. Tomato, tomato.

Yeah. Well, it's a vassaline that helps hemorrhoids or pain. Much less shameful to vassaline. You buy it. It's a bright yellow box. Yeah. It's the same. Walk through the Walgreens.

Yeah. And it's for your lips. It's tiny. It's like lip-intensive. Everybody thinks it's for your lips. Yeah. Ooh, somebody's going to use that. True.

Your wife's going to be like, oh, nice. Yeah. Well, I told her to get it specifically for my butthole. You got to stay away from that one. Oh, yeah. I told her, like, these are mine. Yeah. Have you wiped your butt and then put your finger back on the thing?

I've made that mistake as a child. Yes. I've stank up some vassaline. I've stanked up the family vassaline a couple of times, dude. That sucks. We open it up and it's just like fucking groans in your face. Do you ever stank up the vassaline? No.

Dude, it holds the ass smell forever. Do you ever stank it up? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, dude, it stinks. What do you mean it's a holder? Because I got a chapped ass. Yeah. I would go three fingers in that thing.

You fucking asshole. You do crap. You, dude, if your ass is so gross that when you take your pants off, it smells like shit. That is so fucking gross, dude. That's a lot. I swear it's never happened. No, I believe you. I knew one guy who...

I take it back. I used to know when this boy lies. When I would... Why are you coming at his pussy like that, dude? We've had several disputes. When I was playing sports though, if I was really exerting myself at the end of practice, I would like my fucking spandex or whatever it would be like. I'd be like, this is...

I definitely shit a little bit. Oh, wow. Whoa. You never had a... I would think football, you'd be... You would think. Yeah. No, I don't...

I've never shit myself playing football. It was never a full shit. It's hard to find NFL pro players with a little dung in their pants after a big hit. We'll also be going to a cafeteria, basically just eating buckets of ol' lean. Yeah, I don't play that well. You know, it gives you anal leakage. Drexel cat food? Yeah, yeah.

Can't believe that fucking cat scored that goal. That's crazy. No! Fuck. That's... Yeah. Was that real? That's a tough one.

Dude, it got me, man. It got me. Yeah. We had a nice weekend. Lamisi was with me. Oh, yeah. We went to the Cassini. Oh, yeah.

Parks. Yeah. How was it? A couple of the birds showed up. That was pretty exciting. Nice. Which ones? It was two tight ends, Stoll and Tyree, and then Jergens the Guard and Ian Book, dude.

Get to hang out with Ian Book. It was so exciting. Yeah. As soon as he walked in, I was like... Yeah. Pretty embarrassing. Yes. Nice.

He's cool. Did they stay at the casino? He's our third? We played Blackjack. He's our third? Fuck, yeah. Yeah, I guess. Can he punt?

He's second. He's probably second. See that punter we picked up? Sorry, this is going to be boring. No, no, no, no. The draft was crazy. Who was it? What was it they called?

The... He's a fucking... J.B. Carter or something? J.B. Carter is a good one. Yeah. We got the secondary of the school. We got Georgia. Georgia.

Yeah. We're going to be dirty. I'm following the news. Yeah. I'm following the news. Yeah. Georgia's fucking secondary. We got Georgia's defense.

How about our runner back, though? D-line. How about our fucking runner back? Bro. Swift. D'Andre Swift calling back to Philly. Kind of nice. Yeah.

He went to St. Joe's Prep. Did he? Yeah. Yeah, I know. He went to high school. He went to Georgia. Yeah. Yeah.

What the hell? How about that? Something's going on. It's going to be good to your boys. Yeah. Something's going... Yeah, we already almost... Birds are looking good, dude.

Birds are looking real good. How'd they get such good draft picks after it almost... The king. The god. Sorry. Howie Rosemont. Howie Rosemont's been... He's the best in the business.

He fleeces every fucking team. We're doing well. Things are looking up for us. We're doing well. Things are looking up for us. Yeah, that hurts. That's going to hurt. Yeah, true.

Who hurts? Right? Yeah. 25, 35, 50. I mean, at that point, with that money, didn't you think, like, if they hurt their ACL, they would give them, like, a prosthetic, they would just, like, cut their leg in half and give them, like, a cybernetic knee? Yeah.

Give them a blade. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. Why not? It's got to be... Someone's got to be sneaking that in pretty soon. Yeah. Sooner or later, there's going to be an NFL player with blades.

Right? You know those are, like, $20,000? Those blades? What kind of blades? That's it? Yeah. Yeah, like that. Man, that thing costs an arm and a leg.

When you say blades, what do you mean? It's like that, like, carbon fiber, like, spring. Oh, yeah, why not? 20,000, I would have guessed, 300,000. Really? Yes. I thought it'd be, like, five. Yeah, but if you're pricing the legs, you can't price the legs.

A lot of these people, their legs are falling off for different reasons. They can't afford $20,000. Spring. Spring. No, it's getting spring. It's got to be a dude with diabetes. He's like, do you need the blades? Yes, yes.

Getting banisters. Banister, I would assume, costs $20,000. For somebody to install a banister in your leg. Yeah. 20,000 is not it. You're just bringing a leg carburetor out here and measuring you up. But it's just, you just... He's off, he's off an inch.

It's just a carbon fiber thing with a drunk on the top. Drunk on the job, using the wrong side screw. Just using your uncle to play your leg. Those blades have to be so expensive. Dude, I can't be more than a motorcycle, though. Blow the whistle on my bed. Are they letting these dudes play with regular people, like in the Olympics and stuff? I don't think so.

I think there was a big controversy. There was a blade man? I think they almost... I'll tell you what, they're letting other people play where it's not very good. Exactly. They're giving some dude with blades was in long jump or triple jump. And he fucking smoked everybody. Yeah.

I bet he was even like an athlete. He's like, I could do something with this. How have I never heard about these blades? You remember the Oscar Pistorius? Yeah, he was the first one. He was a sprinter from South Africa that had it. He was surprised. And then he shot his wife.

His wife misplaced one of his blades. Did she come out of his blades? She came out of the bathroom and he was like... Where's my second blade? He said, who's in there? It's better not. Oh, I hope it's up my wife. It was like the end of the terminator.

He's just like dragging himself along the... He shot his wife in self-defense. That's what he claimed. He claimed it was an accident. And I think got away with it. No, he got it. He got it. Yeah, he got it.

I'm pretty sure she was like against the bathroom wall like trying to get out the window. They confiscate your blades like when you're a drug dealer. They take it apart. Yeah. You can't take your blades. We're confiscating your blades. Look at him. He shanks those things up.

Dude. Runs at you. Dude. Just flying away, dude. The bike's okay. It's true. We were supposed to be double-dragging, dude. Dude, imagine like 50 years later, he's hobbling back to get his bag with like his suit jacket

and his blades. I don't even use them anymore. Yeah, he gets Shawshank right out of there, dude. A couple little shovels on there. Cops are trying to chase him. Don't take my BLADs, please. Burn up with my wife. I didn't know it was my wife.

Damn, dude. I'm so sorry that happened to him. So what happened to the parts? Oh, yeah, Shrews. We played, yeah, Shrews were fine. Played poker at me and Beezer last Sunday night. Dude, Beezer at a card table is a problem. He's a nightmare.

Why? He just talks shit to everybody at the table. Talks to the dealer. He's like, come on. Give me a card. Damn it. He loses every time. I'm not saying I don't.

I lose every time, too. We played poker. We found like a dollar, $3 blind poker table. So as cheap as you can get. These dudes are sitting there. We're the saddest dudes I've seen. Some are more cool, but there was a couple that I was looking at. Like, God damn, this is dark.

They're playing like $10 hands of poker at 3 in the morning. Like, fuck. Dudes would be like, I'm all in and stand up and be like, oh. Yeah. It was crazy. It was tough stuff. Dude, you want to know how much money? I was drunk.

I was like, I don't give a fuck. The casino just paid me more than fucking ever. Dude, I remember. Playing house money. I think the first time I did a casino was with you in, where was it? Central PA somewhere. And I was like, this is going to be sick.

Dude, we're going to a casino. The casino sucked. You thought the ladies were going to come out in front of you, like, dude. Dang. You know what I'm saying. Yeah. Now it's so sad.

Casinos are disgusting. Yeah. And sad. And if you drink. We had the buffet ticket. It takes them 35 minutes to bring you a free drink when you're losing $200 an hour. It takes so long.

It's insane, dude. They wouldn't let us drink. And then what was that? They wouldn't let us drink at the casino. What? What do you mean? You keep saying the casino. Sorry.

I was just that angry at you, but I've been dealing with this guy all weekend. He says, the way he does, he's like the skinny guy with the mustache. I'm like, I don't know. You got to help more than that. Where? In what capacity?

What are we talking about? He's like, we got done seeing a movie. He was like, was that the deaf guy in the movie that won the awards? And then he stopped. He goes, no, he talked. And I was like, what do you mean? And then he doesn't, he doesn't say, he just repeats it.

He goes, the deaf guy in the movie that won the award. No, he talked. I don't know what the question is. Where, where, where couldn't you drink? And you can see every. He said they were barring performers from, from drinking before they performed. Oh, we had to buy our own drinks.

Yeah. That's what it was. They didn't stock the, they didn't stock the green. There was a strict more than one beer. The guy said that, which never came to fruition at all. One beer per hour. Remember when he said that? He was like, the guy before we go on, he's like, yeah,

you're not allowed, you're allowed to have two drinks an hour in this casino. Oh, everybody? Yeah. That's what, and we were like, where? And he was like, casino, casino rule. Immediately we went to chicken and pizza and drank 10 beers in an hour.

He was like, what is this guy talking about? Does he meet from the service? I don't know. He, I guess. They held your fridge back? Your personal green room fridge? Yeah, there was nothing. Get the fuck out of here.

And then they were like, if you want drinks, you can buy them. And it was like, all right. That's kind of weird. Yeah, yeah. Casinos are fucking nuts. And then a bunch of people that I knew were there. So they all came back to the green room and they were like, security's all over this, the fire marshal's furious.

You know, they have this many people back here. It was like, shut the fuck up. Okay. Yeah. I feel like there's, there's that. Yeah, it was, it was an aggressive, the guy walked in and immediately he was like, you got a lot of guy fans, huh?

A lot of guys in the audience. Whoa. Yeah, that's good. Yeah. You get a whole, you got a whole stadium of girls. There's those guys. There's those guys. Nothing true.

They've been like living in their parents' basement for a long time and they finally get a job. And then it's like, it looks, it's like they joined the Marines. Who? I feel like those guys. I'm not getting much fans of the guys. No, no. The guy, the guy, like the guy managing that backstage area is like

this is the first job I feel like he's had in a while. I was like, I was like, I wonder if they've had how new this is. Yeah. Have they not have a performer that drinks? Yeah. Sticks is there in a week, dude. They better get ready. They're just toll booth operators with something to prove, you know,

they got nothing else in their life. So like, this is my fucking time to shine. I'm going to be the sheriff of this green room. I'm going to ruin someone's fucking day. Yeah. A whole back of Coors Light. Jerks. You're drinking your beer being like, well, you're down.

Yeah. Yeah. Is that your first though? Yeah. I'll be back. There was a fridge in the green room with like sodas and waters. So when people came back to start drinking it and he was like, those sodas and waters are for the staff.

Oh my God. I was like, dude, I see two people drinking a Diet Coke. Fuck off, man. That's crazy. I just sold this out twice. I was just going to say, dude. We have two Diet Cokes. I sold $9 million worth of beer.

Yeah. I just built you another parking garage fuck face. Get me a beer. You would think they'd be, yeah, they'd indulge everybody's things. Dude, that's how it was in Long Island, man. Great. The fucking Paramount? The owner of the Paramount?

Yeah, that was awesome. This guy rolled out the carpet. Yeah, that guy was perfect. Oh my God. He was making his handmade cocktails himself and making us, we had lamb chops after each show. You were in Rhode Island? Paramount in Long Island.

Long Island. Long Island. Yeah, this guy was the best. He was the fucking man. That's awesome. They're a little speakeasy. The show, just like a private group of us sit down and have a dinner, like a King's Table.

Yeah. Bring out lamb lollipops and all you could drink. Fuck Parks, is what I'm saying. I could get into a guy like Nymie. Yeah, fuck him. I could get into like, they're like a handler. They're like, no Coca-Cola's. And you're like, thank you, sir.

The one, having security following me around the entire time was nice. Yeah. There was one guy that was, it was a bodyguard the whole time. That's kind of nice. And he was like, no picture. Because people would ask for pictures. He'd be like, no pictures. And I'd be like, dude, then he'd get pictures.

And he was like, I got you. Don't worry. He was like, I'll be the dick. You can fucking do it. I was like, you don't have to be the dick. I'll be the dick. You'll be the balls. He was the man.

Yeah. That guy was fucking awesome though. The poker guys were, they were very scared of me. Really? Because I had a bodyguard standing. Oh. And they were like, we were wondering who security was for, dude. And then you were like six dollars.

They thought it was for Beezer. They thought security from the casino was like, we got to keep an eye on this guy. He was like a Polish diplomat. Dude, Beezer was so funny. He'd be like, he'd call dudes. And these dudes were taking it so serious. He'd be like, I don't think you have it.

They'd flip over a fucking full house. He'd be like, yeah. Damn it. I don't think you have it. I never played poker. I never played poker like that. Also, neither has he. I guarantee it.

To be using that language as a player. You got to put chips in for the blinds in the beginning, but it's like three dollars. You're like, I'll have his fives. They're like, just throw it in. We'll give you the change. It's like, all right, I've never played. Jesus, man.

I'm trying. I think they were mad more because Beezer was there before me for like an hour. Sowing seeds of, they hated us. Oh, you took my car. Yeah, they hated us. You took my car. You took my fucking car.

Yeah. Beezer. Beezer would be like straight. They'd be like, no, that's not a straight. Damn it. I thought I had that straight. What was it? Hold them.

Did they have three cards? Yeah. I knew how to play hold them, but like, attempt thing was it to six security on Beezer. I couldn't do that to a sweet. I did. I do get, I get, I recognize it's a shitty thing. I do where I turn on bees in those situations on my bees.

Shut the fuck up. Yeah. And he's like, dude is a fuck. I'm like, all right, you're right. But you're being annoying to these retarded guys. Now he can be tough. He can be tough in a lift. He gets drunk.

He gets in a lift. It's that exact attitude. He does that in the casino. Yeah. He'll get drunk in the lift and be like, how do you drive their stick? Turn up the dude. Teemo.

Put it on when that 10th Adderall hits. He gets rowdy. The mayor's family came. Jabri and his mom came. Nice. Got to meet the mayor's mom. That's awesome. How many beers did she have?

None. You guys, you guys smoke the blunt though. That was pretty sick. That's nice. Am I allowed to say that? All right. Yeah. That was fun.

What was the grub stitch? Grub stitch was, was actually nice. They did hook us up with the grub. Let me see you getting greedy with the grub, dude. Really? I've never seen, he was ordering, he was hitting the rich, rich boss. He would order a meal at the club and one to go.

Did you bring those wings all the way back to Philly? Come on, man. He ordered wings after the show. The show is at 730. We stayed at the casino. You left at like one? Yeah. He's been carrying wings with him the entire time.

All the way back to Philly, all the way back to helium and Philly on Sunday night. Did you eat him? Did you eat him at helium? No, I didn't eat him at the car. Nice. Jabri was awesome. Hanging with Jabri is a treat. God damn it.

It's two lemayers. Yeah. It's two lemayers and they're both doing the same thing. Like the waiter will come over and they'll be like, um, I would like, um... Um... Sorry, I ordered like that earlier. I'm sorry about that. Oh my god.

It's okay. It's fine. God, that's awesome. Yeah. That is a treat. Yeah, it was a fun weekend. I was so sad though. Well, you're the Cassini.

Yeah, I was sad. It was raining out. Sad. Was there something else at play? Yeah. Yeah, Chris, let's get into it. Is there something else you know about? Yeah.

Who are you with in San Diego? Matt and Nate Marshall. Nice. I'll be in LA. Maybe I'll come down. Really? Yeah. Oh, you gotta come down.

It's only like a two hour drive, right? I'll tell you, there's this top secret awesome person coming on Friday. Let's go. I'm very excited. That's fucking sweet. Oh, so gay for this person. I'll guess. And of course the teams, dude.

The teams are coming. The tier one operators. The tier one operators, the community wants to show us around. They want to show us around Coronado. Oh, please. They want to show us where the seals operate. I'm almost nervous to go. Give me the obstacle course.

I would just give me the obstacle course. Dude, do one push-up. I would be like, no. I want to run the obstacle course. I'm going to go sit in the ocean. Let's hold a log and run in the ocean. True. Hold the boat.

I think it's a boat or a log. It's like 45 degrees. I'll tell you what, that salt water starts to burn on your skin. It gets in your eyes. I read Goggins book right now. Your nooks are going to go straight in your ass. It's very cold to stay in there. Yeah, but I feel like I would dominate my superior after a while.

He would see my work ethic. He would see you. You'd be like American Sniper. They'd call you old man at first. Going through it. You're too old to go through training. What are you doing here? And then they'd quickly realize you're the American Sniper.

Matt, he's got a flipper, dude. He's an aquaman. Remember? He's a good swimmer. I suck at aquaman. I suck at aquaman. Matt can't swim the same as I do. I love to swim.

But I'm very actually slow underwater. Maybe just because you were on that skim board and then shallower. Oh, no. That was skim boarding. He's nice. He can shred nars. Skim board on math. Swimming.

I'm like a fuck. I'm like G.O. dude in the pool, dude. Yeah, but that's good for Navy SEAL stuff. True. You're able to shred where the water meets the land. Oh, yeah. You could be a good operator. I'm a fibby.

I'm a fibby, too. I'm a fibby. You might be a frog man, dude. Frog man, dude. I am going to pay. I'm going to tell the Navy SEALs. I'm going to be like, dude, pump up Matt. Be like, dude, you remind me of a SEAL.

I mean, you would seriously be like, yeah. You could tell me that now. They'll say it to me and I'll still go. Yeah, I know. Definitely. He's got the operator stuff. There's no breaking that part of my psyche. It's completely intact and it won't break.

That was one of my favorite arguments. That was for real, like my favorite argument. We were at Healy in one night after a show. And Matt was like, I could have been a fucking sick soldier. I'd be like, dude, no, you couldn't. My identity has got lobotomized in one night. I was like, yeah, I guess if I did wake up every day at four and work out, I could have been a Navy SEAL.

For 12 years. I was like, dude, you and me live together. You can't. Did you whack off on an air mattress? I couldn't have. I couldn't deal with the structure of a job. Yeah. The Navy SEAL.

That's my whole argument. I was like, you and me are losers. I would read the tone of an email and be like, I don't fucking like this. I'm out of here, dude. Dude, I get emails constantly and I can't read them. It's like my money managers that are like, here's what we need. Here's your investment portfolio.

I'm like, I'm never going to read this. I'll sign it. But do you have to read emails as a Navy SEAL? For sure. I don't know. I doubt it. There's a dream dying for me right now. But I'm telling you.

I'm telling you. You're going to see that. They're going to rig that bell. Some guy's going to be holding the bell. I'm beating everybody to it. Fuck that. Yeah. That's a tough life.

You've got to be wired different. You're a crazy person. Yeah. I can't wait to come back with some messaging on these guys. There's no way they're going to be normal dudes. I've hung out with them before. Are they good normal dudes? You hung out with one of them in LA at the Chargers game.

Yeah. There were seven hunks in there. Yeah, there were some hunks. Oh, he was the short guy, right? The short guy was the seal. Yeah. Yeah, he was a great guy. He's the man.

I stand corrected. He's not going to be there though, unfortunately. Bosa? He's deployed. Bosa's not going to be there. Bosa, I wish. Yeah, he's the man. Yeah.

Diego's going to be nice. It's going to be awesome. I might get tatted. Here's your West Watson stat. Dude, we should definitely both get Frogman tattoos. Although I think that's actually a thing in there. That's my man. I don't mean to disrespect the teams on that one.

I get a gang tattoo on it. Yeah. They know you're joshing. They better know. We can get little ones on our ankles. I'm going to be on stage and see a couple red dots. Back at them! Call me!

It's time to show our skills, man. For real, could you carry us? All right. Let's say there's a building. Yeah. How many of us in the building do you think it would? One team of Navy Seals. Let's say five guys trying to clear out a building.

How many of us would it take to get them? You're saying to stop five Navy Seals? Yeah. Do they have one? Are we armed or are they armed? We get guns. Are we having the same guns as the Seals? We have the same kit, basically?

Nobody teaches us how to use anything. What's the numbers? Is it five on five? No, I'm saying how many of us? Could they clear out a hundred of us? We'd just be like the Taliban. Yeah. I just imagine them coming up the stairs and being like, sponge.

Sponge. The guy who pops his head out is great. We would need an overwhelming force. Dude, that would be really great. We need cannon fodder. Yeah, we would need a lot of cannon fodder. We'd try to run at them. Dude, a mover for loyalty to this podcast.

True. Dogs vs. the Seals. I think the dogs get wiped. Dude, a comedy? I think the squad gets wiped. A comedy about that? You'd be on a horse with a little scope like, not looking good. Richard!

We would fuck them up in the comments, though. Even if they won, we'd be like, dude, they were so fucking gay. Dammit. How many La Mer and Jabriz vs. the team? La Mer, you'd probably think. If I know one guy with confidence through the roof, it's La Misi. He's very athletic, though. Yeah, they're athletic and they're thick boys.

Don't start this. Throw the guns at him. If you just heal and shield the first two, the second two might get killed. So now, if you're talking hand-to-hand combat, that's a different story. Those guys get overhyped hand-to-hand. I'm a one-striped white dog, just kidding. That was actually just a take from Chael Sonnen as a podcast. Yeah?

I watched it, dude. He's funny as fuck. He's nuts, dude. He's so funny. He attacked Hooberman. Really? He calls him Hooberman. Good.

He attacked him, dude. Like, flamed him. Your tip of the spear on the Hooberman war. I thought it was funny. Like, WHO Hooberman? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He calls him Hooberman. I mean, dude, I have nothing against you guys.

It is funny to make fun of him. It's funny to make fun of a science guy. Yes. Obviously, it's a tale as old as time. The funniest guy to make fun of is the guy who's talking about science. Especially when they shit their skin and get, like, jacked. Good one, Dorg. Well, now that they're using, like, fucking steroids and shit, it's kind of, like, thrown

it off. It's hilarious, dude. Talk to like, dude. Jack science guys. Like, dude, let me see the back of your boxers. When I hear big words like that, I go straight to the back of those jockeys. Imagine someone kneeling behind your Hooberman. Let me see your solar plantars now.

Your Hooberman would rock us. Dude, it's huge. I know. Getting pants and table-topped in Gray School. You gotta change neighborhoods. It's over. I have a vivid memory. We got someone with it.

We're still boys to this day. Talking penis out? Yeah. Pecker out. Penis out, table-topped. Yo, it was gym day, brother. It was gym day, brother. Easy to get down.

There could be a boner in there, too. It was a tough time. Gym class? There's no way to hide that. It's not like there's nice pleated khakis. I told you, I used to display when I was younger. You'd display. When I was in Gray School, I'd get a boner and stand up.

I thought it was funny to stand up, show bone, and sweatpants, obviously. You were right. Yeah. Show bone. I've said it before. We convinced this kid that in order to be in our club, he had to go get a boner, walk to get tissues, and stand in front of the class. As soon as he was out there, we were like, what are you doing, dude?

Scott is a boner. We would get boners that flash, like, what's good? My cousin would be like, nice. I'd be like, check it out. We only had a... What the fuck? We used to do the wiggle. You get a boner and talk it low, and go, dude.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pull the string. Yeah. You used to be showing your boys, like, I'm boned up right now in class. I never pulled the string. That's a good way to do it. I only just went with the wiggle. You could be like, yo, magic.

Look at this magic I'm doing. I'm going to continue to do that now. I can't wait to do that. I just got to get hard first time in weeks. I was in the audio. I was in the audio. In the audio porn. Really?

I thought you were off the... I'm off no visual porn. That's my thing. I don't want to go for... What I do traditionally is I just, like, push myself unnecessarily just to prove that I can do... I'm looking for a functional solution. That's the teams in you.

You push yourself. You break yourself. True. That's what I'm trying. You're basically Goggins. I mean, basically, it can't hurt me. Dude, you can't hurt me. Dude, fuck you.

So I've been trying to find a healthy medium. Dude, it doesn't feel too extremist. Either I'm, like, on the porn, sick on the porn, or I try to do, like, I can't deny my sexual energy. I don't think that's healthy either. So the audio has been a healthy medium. I'm serious, dude. No, I agree with that.

I know you're serious. So am I. I agree with it. I agree with it. I can't deny my sexual energy. You can't, dude. I've tried. Release your sexual energy.

But then I'll start doing it when I'm not even horny. That's the problem. Then it becomes a thing. And it's a fun nighttime treat. You go, oh, shit. I didn't whack off today. I'm going to whack off before bed. That's the problem.

That day never comes where I didn't whack off. Oh. Yeah. I'll hit, like, three. And then be like, oh, yeah. Nice. I'll never hit you. I'll beat the energy right out of you.

Yeah, dude. Three, five. And then just you take, like, a day off. No days off, brother. I'm going to. So wait. Do you do audio every day? Only when I need it.

So I get to where I need it, and then I give myself a boost. So I was doing it. But the whole moral of the story was, is I was holding it all in, and then I'd have sex with my wife. And, dude, I would. Yeah. That's still fun. Yeah, that is fun.

I'm going to pop. Yeah, but I finally got one where I was able to, like, hang for, like. Damn. Are you throwing verlanders? The what? The ropes. The long ropes have seen it. My rope was lacking because I was on the audio all weekend.

My rope wasn't crazy. But yeah, when I'm like full, when the Kundalini, the Kundalini serpent is fully contained in the basket. Dude, the ropes are like, they're gross, dude. They're gross. Yeah. The Kundalini serpent is fully contained. I'll now release my sexual energy on my wife.

Holy fuck, dude. You're fucking nuts. I'm telling you, dude, I found a half a medium. I was always wondering why people compare these two on like, on a podcast, like it sounds just like that. No, Matt, there's a difference. I don't know, man. It's the same plane.

I know you're talking about it. It's the same plane of saying something insane and looking around like, what? Exactly. Exactly. Now I get it. But his is much, his is much more, this is just raw. This is just a raw, insane person. He's coming from a book of choice.

Yes. It's matters. You don't feel like it's curated? You? Yeah. No. Don't listen to them, dude. They're breaking your spirit.

There's nothing we can do to stop his spirit. True. He talks. There's nothing we can do. I'm going deeper in. Yeah. You have to. I know.

I'm already looking up secondary podcasts. So it's for you. I'm falling. You're suicide. Yeah. Yeah. Right here. You're gonna kill yourself.

No, he won't. You promise? Yeah. For now. Yeah. Ten year deal. Ten year deal to get there. You're a pessimist.

You have to reach Schopenhauer. No, I'm an optimist. Oh nice. Yeah. That's what's up. About everyone else. Of course something good happened to them. I knew things were going to go well for them.

I'm telling you, you have to read O'Connor. You have to read Schopenhauer. Yeah. He lays out a cogent argument against killing yourself. He's like, obviously it's a rational solution to all your problems because you're not doing, it's not doing anything. Because that urge, that torture dude, just lives on in everybody else forever and ever. Yeah.

I'm more just like, I mean, why do that? Because then you're just not doing anything. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. Yeah. That's... That's show fun. Yeah, he might as well hang out.

Yeah. That's show-ups thing. Show-ups like, obviously nothing wrong with it, but also like dude, don't be fool with anything. Instead of killing yourself, just meth storm. Yeah. Fuck it dude. Yeah.

Let's go down to Arkansas, get his shitty trailer. Dude, if you don't care. If you don't care, yeah. If you start sexualizing the need for meth, you know what I mean? Like you should start the second dick and stuff. Oh. Hold on. You're a heroine.

It's what I'm saying. People's like, they're for heroin. That's what I'm saying. There's two very dangerous drugs, whereas if you just play the cocaine route, you can just, your heart will explode. We're talking about guys on the brink of a blitter, like a total obliteration.

True. We're saying if you're ready to kill yourself, why not just turn your life into an absolutely dangerous amusement park? Shit show, yeah, yeah. So where did sucking dudes' dicks for meth come into the equation? Because of the meth.

I mean, I'm not saying do meth. He was saying that could lead to sucking dick. Yeah. Yeah, perfect. But you're also, you're gonna kill yourself, so. You kill yourself right before the first dick you suck. And I think meth, you wouldn't suck dick. Kills up all the dicks in there.

Oh, it's nice. Bullies dick off too. And the jaw locks like a pimple. Throat them. Oh, yeah. And shoot yourself in the throat. I feel like you would just beast up all meth. You wouldn't be sucking dicks.

You'd probably just try to rob a bank on successfully. Yeah. Rob a bank will be sick. I would try to travel the world and just disappear and then die and no one would know. They wouldn't be able to trace me back. Yeah, you say that, but if you're depressed, you're not going to arrange a trip.

Dude, if I knew that stuff, that's true. Paying for lessons for one of those wingsuits. Asking Shane for $50,000 for a helicopter ride. Go up to the Swiss Alps. You ever see these videos, dude? Where they're like dodging trees by like a foot. Right, no bridge. And it comes out and they just go for an hour.

It's nuts. Damn. They float forever. You could fly. And during that time, you have a decision. Should I just fucking buck into a mountain or let this ride right to the ground or you could push you.

I'll do it next week. I'll do it next week. Yeah. You're having a hell of a time. Then one day you see a guy in a fucking hand glider and you're like, there he is. This is hilarious. Just grab onto him.

Dude, there's a, there's a, I don't care if I live or if I die. Grab me like. There's a, there's a video of two, two wingsuit dudes that one guy has to go over like the Golden State Bridge and one dude is supposed to go under and his whole family, their families are like on the bridge. One guy successfully goes on there. The guy on the top just caught like a wind or something.

Right into the fucking side. His whole family just watched him float down to the ground. Yeah, that's. So there's other options. Speedboat, speedboat accident. Those are pretty fun. Speedboat ramp at least. Fast ones that flip up.

Yeah, flip up and the guys skip along the water for a while. Yeah. If you're going to go. Yeah, but also I think there's an aspect of it that's like they're just sick of excruciating mental pains or like do something physically painful. They're like, brother, I don't want to do that. Yeah, for sure.

If we're talking honestly. That's what I'm saying. That's why you got to take the drugs. Yeah. Take the drugs. Just do heroin. Block the, yeah. And then jump out of life.

And then, yeah. Then fall out of a two story building and break your legs. It was a priest. This is it. I'm going to jump. Priest in like Spain or something to attach himself to like 50,000 helium balloons. Yeah, I saw that.

He was in Brazil or Brazil or something. Yeah. Maybe it was Argentina. Did his wife just die or something? No, he was trying to raise money. Bro. Was he up? He up.

He absolutely up. Yeah. He was trying to raise money, but he was also like a parachute and like trained. He thought something was going to happen as they, he gets to a certain elevation. I think if they start popping, he could dislocate, you know, disengage and then take a parachute down.

Dude, they don't, they go up pretty fucking high. Yeah, I don't know. He found his remains at sea. Yeah, they died. Yeah. He just suffocated at altitude and he probably did probably went too high and lost consciousness. He could have just jumped.

Maybe he could have hit the block. I think he hit the fucking, I'm out of here. Yeah. That's why he's trying to get the heavy. He's probably up there. Yeah, he's probably up there like, I could unbuckle this. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Up music playing.

He got up as high as the opposite of jumping over the bridge, just fucking going up as high as possible. That's kind of, that's definitely a good way to go and just slowly. Go as high as you can. Slowly at 68, like, less and less. Yeah, you could do like the fucking Red Bull guy that jumped out as high.

The highest guy I've ever seen. Did he spin it? Yeah. Just never deploy a parachute. Did he die? No, that guy lived. But he almost got caught in like a flat spin or something, I think.

No, no, no. There's no one else up there. Who fucking hit it? He was in sparrot, man. He was going to catch him. Take an easy basketball cap. Why are you fucking? A lot of those guys have like teams that like film the

talk. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, he was like in space. Oh. He jumped out like a moon capsule. Yeah. It was crazy. Yeah.

Did he hit it? No. I've seen that guy before. Eventually. That guy's pretty cool. No, he steps. It's hilarious how fast he goes. As soon as he steps out, just like, it's crazy.

There's no air. This is like eight years ago. He was ripping. Yeah. How'd he survive? If he was not going to pull the parachute. Eventually. Oh.

What the fuck? That's all right. I think we're going to switch over. Yeah. Let's go to the patch round. We're 21 minutes. Oh, that's it. I thought it was longer.

We got to go get fucked up. Yeah. You guys got to go do Are You Garbage? Yeah. It's a drink. Thanks for doing it, guys. Yeah, thanks for having us. Thanks for having us.

It was awesome. It's been so fun. Yeah. You're going to be in LA? Yeah. You should come down to. I'm coming. All right.

Nice. I'm coming. It's going to be good. I'm a bees there. All right. Yeah. Thank you.