Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 442 - The Devil's Day

Episode Date: May 10, 2023

Support the D.A.W.G.Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod Go See Matt Live @ mattmccusker.com/dates Go See Shane Live @ shanemgillis.com Hey! We're back with another podcast for you all. D.A.W.G.Z. only (nbd). Another day in the office. We've had the devil's day. We'll lick'em tomorrow though. Please enjoy the episode. Gold Bless.  Get 25% OFF @ trueclassic with Promo Code DRENCHED at https://trueclassictees.com/DRENCHED #trueclassicpod Support the show by going to sheathunderwear.com and use promo code DRENCHED to get 20% off your first order. Visit thefreezepipe.com and use code DRENCHED for 10% off your order

Hey, what the hell's going on Sean Gardini? Sean. Tell us a little something about him last night. Yeah, about last night? Bro, I did the showcase. OK. Helium last night. White's crowd he had so far.

Lightest? I knew the day would come. I don't know why I thought he said whitest. They're also probably the whitest as well. Sick. I mean, they've been pretty white crowds with this. Only the white showed up this time. Only, pretty much.

Yeah, whites only did show up. I didn't want it that way, but that's what happened. Yeah, dude, fucking we go there. I'm like, I'm all cocky. It's the last couple of shows, like 100-some people. And I'm like, Brad, what are we looking at? What do we got tonight? He's like, 44.

I was like, yeah, I got there. I said, I knew this day would come. I said, I knew this day would come. We had a nice run. So I go in there and the crowd, you know, it's a small crowd. People start to question if they're at the right thing. If it's a smaller crowd, people start getting kind of like weirded out.

Yeah. Dude, Gardini comes out. We're a couple deep in. Gardini comes out, dude. We've been getting licked, Brad. You mean, you said, we'll lick them tomorrow. You've had the devil's day. You're going to get the devil's day.

I mean, the devil of the day, general. There's a couple of people out there had the devil's day, dude. Guard dog is back there on half a stove going, I'm going to lick them tomorrow. Comes out, dude. Lick them tomorrow, though. Dude, I said, the boys become a man.

I was watching them. I said, I think the boys become a man. He kills? Yeah, the guard dog. He had a fantastic set and a pretty, you know, not the best of circumstances, dude, comes out. I said, God damn it. He finally mumbled his way into fucking.

He mastered the mumble. Speak up, holla. He mastered the mumble. Last night, I watched the mumble be mastered. I went, God damn. Yeah, the mumble's nice. Always become a man. The boy who came a man last night on stage.

Don't you think trans people are stupid? No. Dude, I could have been happier. I was sitting there going, this is the best. Nice. Took command of the whole room. I watched. I said, God damn it.

Of course, he's a young custer. He's a young custer, dude. Yeah, you might be a custer. Dude, it was. We're obviously Grand Chairman. Obviously. There's no doubt. Yeah, obviously.

There's no doubt. LaMair, are you Frederick Douglass? Yeah, it was fun, though. It's a good time. I was happy to see it. That's awesome. Dude, LaMair on the way up, man. His navigation is taking just another development

that I couldn't have seen coming. Wrong exit of the mayor, dude. Oh my god, dude. Dude, on the way up. Hold on, I'm sorry. This is the quote I was looking for about Grant and Sherman. This was Sherman on Grant. He said, he stood by me when I was crazy

and I stood by him when he was drunk. Now, sir, we stand by each other always. Might be the cast. We might be Grant and Sherman. I'm flexing my fucking feet. Might be Grant and Sherman, dude. Unbelievable. So what did LaMair do on the way?

Such a good quote, dude. I love it. I was telling him that after a couple of exits, I was like, LaMair, are they planning me a surprise birthday party or something? Like, are you trying to keep me away? Oh, why? What was he driving like a fool?

He just kept messing up. I'll be sitting there like, all right, don't bother him. And I'm like, hey, dude, we're on this one, right? It's like, eh. Yeah. Wrong exit. I'm like, no big deal. I had a three minutes.

Really, no big deal. And then we're getting on the RFK bridge. I'm like, dude, this is the one, man. We can't miss this one. Oh. Like, bro, are you? What the hell's going on? I was just, you know, I was just off.

What's in your head? At the end? He's high. You get a stone, you get a driver, and he gets high every day. Even if it's the exact same drive every time, he's going to forget. No, I didn't forget.

I'm the worst. I was like, dude, if you're worse than me at navigation, I had a problem. I didn't need the nav, dude. I didn't need the nav. I had a problem. Oh, you tried to go no nav. He did try to go no nav.

Yeah, fuck it. Just use it. I was nailing it. I was nailing it. Why is he saying differently? Because the nav came up. The nav came up, dude. You were completely missing every single exit.

I was like, dude, these are the crucial exits we need. These are critical exits. I almost missing the RFK bridge was pretty funny. Although I was blown his mind, LaMaire, to be fair to you, I'd showed LaMaire 311 Music the album. Dude. Bro, it was too powerful. That was part of the argument.

That was back to the Prince argument. Anytime my manager's in the green room, I hit her with, this is better than Prince. 311. Somebody was like, my first concert was 311, and I was like, better than Prince. Bro, do you know 311's story? Amherst, The Color of Your Energy?

Back when they were old albums, they were basically rap, metal, and reggae combined. And they were like, dude, you guys got to pick a genre and stick to it. We'll never be able to get you on the radio. Like, well, what if we don't? Like, you'll be on the road forever, and they went, sick. That's what we want to do anyway.

Year two of the road, they were like, whoops. Whoops, I'm dying. No, they just finally came up with a hit album. They're like, fuck it, we'll put you guys on the radio. We don't care. Awesome. Ever since, they've just been like, whatever. Who was first, Sublime or 311?

Oh, that's a good question. Because there's that whole genre of California white reggae rap. You know where 311's from? Omaha. Yes, I did know that. They're from fucking Omaha. Yes.

I think they might have been around the same time. 311 might be a little older than them. Maybe, I don't know. I did know they were from Omaha. Yeah, because Sublime was more like, 96. Was which one? Sublime was 96, and 311 was 1988.

Yeah, 311 was 88. Bro, yeah, they started early. They've been going since I was alive, dude. 311's been kicking for 35 years. Yeah, dude. They've been ripping. Dude, I haven't listened to 311 music, that album music on the way. Dude, we listened on the way up, and I was like, hold on there.

When I was a kid, all mixed up was. That's blue. That's the blue one. Yeah. All right, I wasn't early. They came out and sold 3 million copies of that right away. Blue was when I stole it. Blue was.

That's when I got in them, too. I'll be honest. I'm not stealing on 311 Valor. I came post-blue. Obviously, I had an older brother who was like, check out 311 music. And I was like, yes, sir. How sick is it? Do I know any hits from it?

You might not. Honestly, none of them were hits. But the whole album was like, man, so far. I was telling them, I'm like, dude, Lamar, imagine you're down in your basement. You and your friends have taken a four by four from your dad. Wax it up. And you guys are grinding it on your skateboards,

blasting this. He was he rightly he was like, this is bad kid music, dude. Yeah, it is, dude. It's so fucking nasty. All mixed up came out. It was right around the time the Space Jam soundtrack came out. I was fucking hit him high. Hit him.

Look, that song. Yeah, that was big. That song wasn't that all mixed up was on rotation. Dude, I don't want to get us a copyright strike, but dude. It's so nice, 311, please punish us 311, you fucking have mercy on us. Don't copyright strike us. But dude, it's it's so nasty.

We're on the way up and it was just God, I was on I was in cloud nine. We all we were listening to Bad Bunny for a second on the way up. I haven't gotten into it. Bro, I was telling them I might be a bad bunny guy. I like Spanish. You know, dude. Don't read the lyrics. Why they're so I can't listen to it.

I can't listen to it anymore. Why there's just stupid. They're the dumbest. It's them. Like, yeah, the guy might as well just like come in your face. Oh, if you're listening, dude, I was. So we had the first some hot Spaniard jizzing on us, dude, at the whole time, you thought you were like, that's kind of cool.

The guy's being basically he's hoping the air, dude. Oh, he's a dog, hoping the air the whole time. Dude, I had the first one I had was I hate horny music, bro. This is the horny is the horny music actually fucking bothers me. When you'd sing about sex, it bothers me, dude. The first so the first song I had it was T.T. Me Pregunto. This all started, honestly.

Pride became before the fall. I could have just stayed in ignorance, but I started showing off the La Mary said Pregunto means question. Ask me a question. Nice. I was like, that means he goes, what's T.T. mean? I said, fuck, I have no idea. Don't worry about it. I was like, me question, question me.

Dude, T.T. Me Pregunto means ants asking a question. Yeah, all his aunt wants to know, dude, is why do you have so many girlfriends, dude? He said, I'm going to take him to the VIP. Dude, this is fucking. He said basically songs about taking women to his VIP section, VIP section to say hi to his auntie.

He said, let the ones I already slept with smile. The ones who have forgotten about me smile, too. He's showing off ladies. He bangs to his auntie in the VIP. I'm like, first, first reaction. I went, all right, I guess that's kind of sick. What else? You got that bad, dude.

So then we go to the next song, Tarot. Dude, this is the horniest stuff in the world. Let me find the, they're so funny, dude. So it's like, if you uploaded a story so you can get replies, if I set a fire emoji, it's because you got me horny, horny. Hornies replied, or like they say horny twice. You're atone for the back and even more delicious on the front. What was the part from the back?

He said, you're atoned from the back, but even more. You're atoned. Yeah, but more delicious from the front. Oh, so your butt looks good, but I like eating your pussy. Yeah, that's, yeah, it's kind of nice. Moi deliciosa. I'm reading that and I'm going, all right. Que deliciosa.

Yeah, but if you're just a lad, dude, you're just a lad putting together, building some fucking house. There's dude, there's these fucking, let me spread sunblock on you so you don't get burned. But there are a lot of pretty babes here, but you've got it playing with me that entertains you. Don't be mean.

You treat me like a meme. You treat me like a meme? I'm ready for you and you pull away from me. Damn it, what a conceited little girl. She puts her heart in the cooler. She says all the summer she'll be single. Like, dude, what the fuck? What you are is an abuser.

I got you a beer and you drink up the heart. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So fucking. You tell this chick she's a dickhead. Sounds like a Civil War letter. Yeah, really, it's crazy. This is insane. But that's his whole all of his songs are just that.

Baby, give me the signal. If you keep on looking at me like that, I'll kiss you. I'll kiss you. His lyrics are crazy. He is bad. He's so nasty. Dude, he's so fucking nasty. But yeah, it's just him being like,

I'm such a nasty fucking boy, stay away from me. But I want to be a good boy. But he's truly nasty, dude. I didn't even get into the half of it. There's so many lyrics that are just like the horniest dude ever grabbing a girl by the arm. Like, seriously fucking come here. I'm more of a rainstorm.

Take me away from the norm. True. That's what I'm saying. You know, I mean, something nice. Dude, I was like, let me have to shut this off. This is because I was making a case. I was like, let me he might be better than Drake. Bad, but dude, this song. But I didn't know what he was saying.

I was just making up all the lyrics in my head. And I'm like, dude, bad bunny's nasty. People love bad bunny. I think he's he's like the biggest international appeal. Yeah, he's huge. He it's ridiculous. Obviously, he's not Drake. But dude, as soon as I look up the lyrics,

I'm like, man, this guy's got some fucking horny lyrics. So dude, nothing like this guy. Yeah, those are weird. Let me show you my aunt rubs. I'll bring you to the bar and you can smile at my aunt if we've had sex. What? Crazy.

Yeah, so I said, incidentally, Mary, take that back. I was like, Drake's way more of a worse guy. You guys need to record your conversation on the way up. We should. I'd love to hear you two are up to fucking pinky in the brain on the way up. Well, yeah, so I took it back. I hit him with 311 music and I said, bro, this is the stuff.

Are you guys ever quiet? Rarely. Yeah. When I do, I told you, I hit you with those steel magnolias. I'm on that new mushroom microdose, bro. I was sitting there. We were quiet for a little bit and I was like, I'll take one of those now. Yeah, they're, dude, they're fucking fantastic.

The one, no, they're easy going. They're mild. Easily. They're mild and easy going, but they're, you know, a bit of a burst of energy. So, yeah, so that was the ride up, bro. I'm sorry. Those were not illegal drugs.

That's a bit. No, I know. I didn't mean to spur on you about bad money, but that people should know what the fuck this guy is saying. Everyone's listening to it. I was like, I'll listen to. I've just been the lyrics. I said, no, none of this stuff, man.

I've just been on a U.S. Grant kick. I mean, back on my Ulysses S Grant bullshit. That shit you show me was the best. Yeah, obviously, he's the fucking best. I mean, for real, dude, he's, you know, now I'm going to be when I see a $50 bill, I'm going to be like, fuck yeah, dude. Yeah, this guy fucking rules.

It's the best about time people learn a little something. Yeah, that kind of stuff. He's got a monument here in New York. I think it's in the fucking Bronx. That's what's up. No one sees it. No one goes and pays homage. You should lay a wreath.

I may lay a wreath on his aunt. Well, wreath of Franklin. Yeah, I've been pumped on Grant. That's that's kind of what I've been up to. San Diego was good. The burns, the burns still there at the top. Dude, I forgot you got crushed. God, dog, you should have seen it.

We went, we were at a pool, pool bar, pool restaurant on Saturday before the show. It was a nice time. That was very hard not to completely let your hair down and just get hammered. So we're an outdoor, outdoor pool restaurant, dude, with all the bros, all the bros. It was, I mean, dude, the show of interdiscipline to not get hammered at that took a lot. Crazy. I could have easily gotten fucked up. I was like, all right, I'll have one.

I had three, but still not bad. That wasn't not bad. I mean, staying in single digits in a pool and a sun pool thing with your bros. Man, that's tough. I don't even drink that much. And I was like, I want to get hammered right now. Yeah, so fun wrestling in the pools, getting spot in the pool. Dude, we're in a pool like spot in the pool.

It's a hotel pool. So like hot, cool, rich people. Dude, you're in a hotel pool and people like when anyone in a shared pool is like basically turns into a statue. They're just kind of like you're just watching like, I don't know. It was people were just kind of like very quiet, very reserved. So we're in a hot tub and then I was like, dude, that would be sick to kind of there's enough space where you can go straight from the hot tub to the pool.

And the idea was like, it'd be nice to like seal slide across the bottom, not show tennis. So I'm like, just a fucking yeah, we're all in tight gym. My tennis was dude, I was although I've been I've been embracing mine lately, dude, I've been fully show to you guys. I'm like a fat chick in an underwear about a catalog right now. You're brave. Yes, come on, man.

You're on a billboard in New York. Breaking down walls, dude. Yeah. You're a dove model. Dove was the first to break in the fats. People were furious. Little we know, that was only them taking an inch. Now I'd love to just see fat models.

True. I was like, look at this fucking dude. We put a dude in. Yeah, where's the fat dude bottles, man? All the male models are ripped and chiseled. I get like fat t-shirt, fat, I get Instagram ads for like fat guy t-shirts. I think the algorithm, I think the phone sees me pulling at my shirt all the time. This guy needs fat shirts.

True classics, I will say. I know I don't know if we have an ad for them today or not, but I do. I feel so swollen those things. You've been getting swole, dude. Yeah, man, I've been, I've been, dude, it's all about your lats, man. I don't want to give away the secrets of the trade. Like, bro, nobody uses their lats when they bench. Yeah.

I told the guys, I feel like I got fucking boosters behind me, man. You're rocking. That's the right form. You're the right form. You're the rocker, man. I might be. I might be, but that pool was just people as being serious as possible. Yeah.

And then just absolute buffoons entering the water, dude. The monkeys, dude, found the fucking aisle. Then Jackson showed up and the true alpha showed up. Good lord. That guy, what a freak. Yeah, dude, we were having a good, well, yeah, to give people context. What was that show again? I didn't see it.

Uh, probably Chimp Empire. Chimp Empire on Netflix. So Spud was all, Spud and Billy were, I guess, Chainsaw too, were talking all Chimp Empire, where they're just watching, like, alpha's display or the dude. Yeah, there's, there's one of the monkeys in the show is called Jackson. And occasionally he'll just freak out. He's the, he's the alpha of the fucking group.

So occasionally he has to just show everyone he's nuts. He says to do parkour. It's like, they'll show him just sitting there and he, he's just sitting there, like, everyone's just lounging. Everybody's just chilling the whole time. And he's just like, like, jumps and kicks stuff

and everybody, everybody sitting there has to go, Oh, you're so cool. Isn't it if they don't show, if he gets into your fucking face and he's like fucking tell me how sick that was. He like breaks a tree in half and runs. Everyone's like, dude, that's fucking crazy. You did it again.

Every has to go dude. It's so sick. You get all the pussy. That's so cool. They're all like 38 40 years old Damn Jackson you just did a 180 off a tree dude. That was Fucking all my cousins. I don't get any pussy. Yeah, it's so awesome. You're here. It's so sick that if I get pussy You'll kill me You're the best I fucking love. Yeah, we were we were just monkeys in the pool and then also Jackson Jackson showed up a true alpha This dude is we all we all were just like dude. He was so young and he had two females with him, too

He had two babes two females one of them was one was recurring nips lips if I might point out I was going ah constant nips lips with her giant fake tits and her Fake head maybe two. I don't know entirely fake women have fake heads now. She had a totally fake head. She had they cut off her nose For some reason it was probably him true. He probably Jackson doubt he might just do is just jacked as fuck dude We were jacked we were monkeying around too hard. I think for his liking But he was just a very serious cool man. Yeah, he displayed he proved his dominance. Yeah jacked this He was just roided out tats two babes laying on him. Yeah, he was just ladies nipples were showing she was displaying Which they were very that was a weird. I know we were adults grabbing each other's dicks

Being jacked and having two clearly sex workers just laying on you. Yeah, it's coconut steroids, man It's a coconut steroids is an option available to all of us and it's like it's pretty nuts You have to like get Versace You gotta make you gotta like do a ton of steroids get jacked and do a bunch of blow and then like make a bunch of money But you can't do honestly people cocaine is a bad drug But if you're serious about business could be a good ally if you're if you're a businessman If you're if you're doing fucking deadlifts before you close the deal. Yeah You need some cocaine if you want to be as serious as possible. You want to be a wolf?

Yeah, you'll be a wolf of Wall Street Probably your greatest ally, but yeah, he had put all his chips on the table being a serious man bent on power and Dude, it was a man. We were it was a respectable. That was a little not respectable at all It was a way I mean dude what he have fucking What do you afraid the boy you listen to that way dude? No, you listen to put his it would have been his house Yeah, that was crazy. A lot of people don't know that about US grant He freed his slaves

Didn't sell them when he tried he tried he had zero dollars He was like I gotta let you guys go the guys like bro I'll get imagine if you had zero bucks and someone's like y'all I'm gonna give you two hundred fifty thousand dollars And you went that ain't right. No, I'm not doing that's crazy. Yeah grants the best unbelievable Yeah, this guy would I mean, I don't know we got you gotta get in the Sherman So I want a dog. I might have to now that dude. I yeah, I don't make that south howl You went down and fucked all those southern really up dude Do they have one of those things on sherm or is it just a documentary? Yeah

Yeah, one of them things on the TV in the story the moving pictures I Watched my other favorite one last night is the the rise and fall of the third right. Oh nice good one I've talked about here plenty. I'm sure I don't just a bunch of home videos from Nazis. Oh Pretty sick. What were they getting up to? It's just them basically being like dude shut up. You would have done it, too We're just fucking regular people. We don't know what the fuck was going on They're right. They're right. It was a cool symbol dude. It was the kind of the coolest fucking symbol Hitler was cool for a minute Are bad dude now all you guys think we're dickheads

Yeah, you guys fucked up Yeah, it turns out history just doesn't smile upon these who try to just smite people and just burn people You know other than Sherman who went down and burned the Southerners. I was there We think you know, you gotta be in bad guys crack couple eggs if you want to free the slaves, bro They were being bad guys. Yeah, it is funny if you look at it history in long stretches of time doesn't smile kindly bond people We're up to no good selves Who do what take too much for themselves? Yeah, you know if you want to figure out what to do with themselves Like look at the lessons of history slavery's falling

Nazism's falling. Yeah, it's like America is still the best. Huh? We take a lot. We're number one Yeah, but we're pretty fairly you've said it before for in terms of a world empire, dude We're pretty good. We're the most chill empire in the world. He's done some obviously ever seen we've locked some country Doesn't have a fucking slavery shit. We did for a couple hundred years. He stopped it, dude. We did yeah England had a big part of that too, but would you have guessed Mexico? Abolish slavery before us did they really? Yeah, those guys wanted to work. So goddamn bad And it's like God damn, I wish I was out in those fields That's not how you pick strawberries

Come on That's what we do Yes, well for those interested there's a seven-day free trial on the history channel on oh Amazon you check it out Yeah, that's a grants a fun documentary and Rise and fall of the third Reich give it a shot. I was totally in on Graham I mean, I knew he was cool, but I didn't know you didn't know he's riding horses like that dude riding a horse in the battle He's an officer. He doesn't have to touch a gun doesn't have to do anything and the guys like yo We're out of ammunition. I need a fucking volunteer and he goes I'll do it. They said, what are you doing?

You're not you grant. You don't have to you need a volunteer. I'm going dude So you had a ride a horse across a open battlefield. He rides it sideways as the lads it true lads are over there They were like, it's probably why they stopped shooting. They probably went whoa. Yeah, show them the rodeo Caballero, haha, hey against the side of his horse while I was moving got to the ammo I don't know how he brought the ammo back on one horse, but yeah, he probably figured out something He's like fuck I only got us five bullets Who cares? Yeah, I like those stories those officers that like want to taste battle for real

They don't have to like I got to know and they just get in there. What's the name at the end? That's Southern general is nice a chile. Mm-hmm Johnston, maybe I think so. Yeah, he's just like we just need to cast the dive war. Yeah, we conquer a parish Guess what motherfucker Paris Paris done. They were dominating on day one of shy though Yeah, that's when Grant was like we'll lick them tomorrow. There's that was the best went right Adam What was it quote again the devil? He's like we've had a devil of a day general lick them tomorrow though Sick just powered by 20 cigars a day. I

Did I love I'm just experiencing depression. Yeah, that's what he was depressed guy. He got blue. He's a drunk depressed guy. I Mean it is kind of an evolutionary advantage When like the world is a terrifying place and you're just like yeah, this is all meaningless Yeah, yeah, I don't see the point of any of this. Yeah, I'm not really scared of battle I Fucking hope I get hit in the forehead Musketball goes through my fucking forehead What an evolutionary event what a gift that is always people squandering it going like make it go away

What pain yeah, did a pressure. It's like I'm all man. How are you can't get away from that? Yeah, that is funny thinking you're getting ahead of it. Very Catholic of you. Thank you, dude You need to you need to recognize the suffering. That's God exactly. Let's go got to get into it. Yeah, dude I've been fine. I've given Catholicism a now that I've toured a lot of world religions. It's pretty good, dude It's not even close. It's pretty good. We're number one I mean, dude, I've been a church in the last three years. No, you don't need to go there And the church is in a dark period right now. Yeah, I'll call them. Yeah They're not really doing they're not doing what they need to do right now, Mary. You're a good Catholic

Christian they're different we don't know what type of Christian right non-denominational So you got like trans pastors. Yeah one of those guys Yeah, like lesbian pastors. It's just like who gives a fuck about what God said. Let's just hang out together Dude, we're all right in the eyes of the Lord true true. I love Hitler Said Jesus We're done me Said Jesus. I did very religious dream last night. By the way, really yeah dream. I was walk

I was with my brothers and I was like walking into a church and I had dude It was actually kind of funny now that I think about it I had like in my dream been like all of my cells and all the particles the ones that know everything that's going on I went it was like it's like a stupid idea, but in dream I was just all struck of being like oh, they're the real things and then I walked into a church and I was walking like this My sleeves Like this. Yeah, the priest was like this and we looked at each other the priest was kind of looking at me like bro You can't have your hands in your fucking sleeves. Yes for us. Did you copy watch me?

Me and my brothers doing a church and then I went and peed in a big fountain and I woke up on Very spiritual It was sick. That was a cool dream. That's nice. Yeah, it's pretty fun. I had a dream Michael Che died Oh, no, and I thought I was at his funeral, and I was like fuck. I'm never getting that $10,000. That happened this afternoon Did it really? Yeah, sir going through. They've carved up this morning. Yeah, man. I woke up at like eight I saw the text. Yeah, I was pissed. I'm always curious, and then I went back to I was like I'm fucking tired I went out watched more Grant nice, and I was like I'm gonna take a nap before this fucking workout Terrible mistake woke up at 1245 had to be there at one

You're the dude's getting attacked at that thing within 10 minutes of waking up. This shit blue dick You're like the battle of Shiloh, dude. You're the guy's getting shot in the tent. Absolutely woke up just lick them tomorrow Yeah, it's gonna be a long evening for me. Yeah after this like five fucking sets at the cellar That'll be cool. It'll be I don't have any new material. I should think make it all I might just talk about Grant Dude, just you guys don't know anything about Ulysses s grant. Yeah, dude. What the fuck's your guys's problem? Trust me. It's it's daunting there. Ah Yeah, yeah, actually cuz it's risky there. Yeah, they don't know who I am

Yeah, people in the audience have no I'd like, you know, I mean it's not doing it in front of our fans with it Like yeah, that's funny. I know where you're coming from. Yeah. Yeah, these are just people that are like what the fuck I Try to do the Australia shit up front in that Well, they're pissed right. Yeah a lot of stuff up front. They're getting mad right away. They don't know you so they're like He means that. Yeah, he means that too. He's being racist I'm not gonna listen to the rest of the bit to see if he gets out of it He's being mighty nationalistic against these other countries and I don't know that I don't think he's being ironic. I Think he's very seriously being a nationalist pig

What's wrong with that dude, what's wrong with St. America's the best I mean dude the grant fucking Grant give him what for I mean, they got it too good. I do. I am done with the southern the southern respect Yeah Gentlemen there for a while every once while going phases where I look, you know, if I get into a civil war phase a little iced tea I'll go Damn Stonewall was the man or something like that. I got a snap out of it and be like that was a fucking traitor That was a fucking traitor. Yeah, Lincoln was the bro grant chairman with the bros. Yeah costa was the bro Yeah, so I mean stone. John Brown was the bro. Yeah, man. It's all union, dude. John Brown was the bro. No, it's all union, bro

Look at that father Corby bro. Yeah Jesus Christ, bro, the bro gave Davis bro All union I think games from Florida, but whatever he says Union colors on though. Yeah, blue buffalo bills. Yeah, blue absolutely Here we go. All right, you ready start? I Got nothing San Diego where San Diego was shout out to the teams dude San Diego's nice the teams were nasty as hell Yeah, I mean we did have an unfortunate incident, dude

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He goes I thought of this dude. It's too funny not to tell you guys run it by someone else doing like don't do that Yeah, yeah, yeah, he was like I got to tell you this joke. What do you think on Mary? You give me a look like I shouldn't say All right The mayor loves it, dude It just was so out of nowhere. It was like and just bringing that up is not the best thing to bring up to heroes Dude, he goes in there's we're sitting there. Everybody's having a decent time Nate comes in goes I thought of this joke and I got to ask you to one of the teams bros. He goes

If you ever watch a comic bomb so bad, do you ever get PTSD? He was a flashback whole room with dead silent It was like what the fuck dude And he ran away He's scurried off. I didn't see him the rest of that night Talking about it on panties. Yeah, I made it seem like He made it seem like Somebody overheard him and he was like, I guess I got to tell everybody now

He was like I was gonna keep it to myself, but it's so fucking funny. I have to say I think he was telling someone that I think he was Telling someone the joke and everybody what's up? No one thought it was funny. No Yeah, didn't it would have been funny if somebody was bombing and he was like you ever get PTSD like yeah Yeah, even then that's a risk to talk talk to a guy who's in the military be like do you have fucking PTSD? Well didn't one of them say like yeah, we do get PTSD from like our friends killing themselves and he was like yeah Yeah, he was like all right and they didn't nobody thought it was funny. Yeah, the next day though They were very funny about it. Yeah kept teasing him about it and it was the funniest shit in the world Nate was hoping everybody forgot. I was sitting I was swimming in the pool

I saw Nate come down. I go Nate. You got any more good jokes? He's like fuck. Oh, how about Nate trying to swim under water, dude, dude, we did back so funny We swim race. I'll be honest. I got second place, but it was an honorable defeat We're going back and forth. He won the first one, but that was just me showbo and I should have done it, dude I mean true. I sure you're trying but also that could have been a strategy. I thought you're genuinely trying I thought I was turning sideways and poking you while we were swimming in my head. I'm swimming. I'm going I'm so fast He has no other choice than a physically slow me down. I was swimming like this on my side You didn't turn around you gotta be like one. I won. I was like I was I was fucking around

Dude in my head. I was like I'm a complete body length ahead of him right now He has no other choice than a grass for my ankle. My basically these are fins So we're me and Matt, you know down and back underwater not a big deal That's just something we do the teams the teams told you know, they're watching and they were like holy shit, dude Yeah but then Nate Nate was like can I go to the length and we're like, yes, you have to be able to yeah We did down there to go one. Yeah, you gotta go. He got 10 feet and his ass

Filled with air and he kept floating ass first up every time And this is in a pool surrounded by nothing but like rich cool people. Yeah, and the waitresses were the hottest Every single waitress was an Instagram lady Everyone there was rich and hot. Yeah, it was obscene. It was obscene my beautiful body Nate's fat ass surfacing Tina's spuds fucking spud sliding into the pool Like hell spot actually did do the seal slide. I was talking about where you went from the hot tub on his belly and slid into The right into the pool It was like eight feet as far as also. Yeah, I wasn't killed his stomach. Had to have that ground was not like smooth

Who talking to look at his fucking cut. Oh my god. Yeah, dude. Look at this. This is from your brother biting I Put Billy in a headlock and I was shit-faced and I was like doesn't hurt. He's biting the fuck out of me Dude Nate's was a day tries to go to the other end makes it ten feet All of a sudden some of the ice started to crack some of the bros around us are Laughing about how to kind of participate in what was going down and then fucking finally he tries like five times Finally, and of course, there's this lady standing there a voluptuous white woman, dude Yeah, standing there, huh? His one was Nate's weakness

What was it his strength dude? True. He did it for her on bro. He made it to the other end of the pool Of course, there was some he serviced and started splash Yeah, his fucking ass popped out of the water everyone was laughing What he made it? Turns out you put a piece of fucking cheese in the maze the mouse makes it to the He had to show out for the white Yeah, it was a fucking great trip. It was so fucking fun. It's NFL blitz dude. Let's go

Don't remind me dude. Don't know my greatest failure. No, you got a back. I play Billy Of course, I'd be my little Billy if you can't be your little brother and blitz man Kill yourself. That's actually very true You lose to anybody younger than you If there's like an age gap like if you have like nieces and nephews and they come over for like a holiday party and you lose Kill yourself, dude, you know how much of a fucking loser you must look like it's crazy. Yeah, let me nuts That would suck dude. I mean, I think it gets your dad losing pick up basketball till like a fucking

6th grader She's like fuck. I mean, dude, some would probably rather get cocked. I would rather get Get fucking like trounced and maddened. I'm Thanksgiving like a fucking second grader I would rather get I'd rather someone come into my house and fuck my mom What's the word for that what kind of cock is that like a great cocking Edibus cook If your dad gets cocked if your dad gets cocked in front of you and your dad your mom gets cocked wait Yes, your dad's like a family curse

That's probably you can definitely find that if you have to get to be like a brother and wait that guy wasn't here to fix This ain't that what the hell what's going on? We got cocked son son. We've been I thought that was dynamos. I open it up. It is Domino's We open it up. That's all the guys dick in the pizza You guys just turn to your father go lick them tomorrow though That's the devil's day, dude That's a devil of a day. So don't dynamo's guy comes in and fucks your mom in front of you and your dad

There's black guys in your back. Oh Oh, yeah, get out of here. God. God damn it. He's just chasing away the big So fun We would order pizza every Friday both my cousins lose next door they attend kids We had six kids and we'd order 16 freaks Hills have eyes So like when you see the moves we'd all be looking out from our respective houses on Friday night to see which way the pizza truck We're waiting like where is that?

Would be waiting outside Pulled up their driveway. There we go Oh, they're like nine years old Yeah, they're nine years old they're also 200 pounds six five Yeah, yeah, how big were those fucking how big was bad? So when I'm me and bad my cousin bad shit, we were You know, I think six seventh grade bro Like just same height and we hit seventh and eighth and he just like skyrocket. He don't a mode out

Don't a mouse Yeah He was taking cheese bread back I think the fucking I think that which I'm gonna call it the cinnamon and breadsticks kind of stunted my growth They're doing the right thing. They were going cheesy breads Classy red Don the Moses so good Me and my mom and my dad Dynamo's is good though, dude people hate on Domino's pizza. I've always liked it. Uh, we just got it this week

I remember I saw it. I got it too late though. I got fucking stale dynamite But still it was fine. I know what you're saying. I was excited for the chicken wings. True So I got the eating them chicken wings I had a hey, I had a little bit of dynamo's and then I realized the teams were watching me dark red eating fucking dynamo I was like, I look like a freak. We can talk about the burn Well from inside out I was absolutely that dudes we got we're in a pool all day Honestly, one of the best days in a while having a good time People are starting to break the ice. This is the most rigid ice around us of just like dudes trying to be cool

Obviously the alpha was there and fucking displaying people having a good time We get we retire to our bedrooms and Shane's like I'm gonna be burnt. I'm like, bro We're not gonna be burnt man. I can feel it. We're not we're good. We're not gonna get burnt. No I saw it before I went up. Did you really I saw it on the tops of my thighs Like right above my knee before I went up. I was like, holy shit if I can see that I'm burnt already Oh, no, it's done. I'm fucked on deal I didn't know how bad it was. It was a San Diego sun dude first Imagine your first fucking burn of the year being the San Diego. It's also

Fucking 68 degrees 70 degrees. You don't realize how fucking harsh the dynamo's is I got Fucked dude. I took a nap before the show. I went to take a shower before the show. I looked in the mirror I was like, holy fuck dude. It was my forehead was ruined So then It obviously just progressively gets way worse throughout the evening. Yeah first show. I'm like, holy fuck Everyone's gonna notice how much of a freak out by the second show I would have given anything to look like I did on the first show

Any time I walked back in the green room with whoever was in there would be like Jesus Christ, dude It's getting worse. I'm purple and it was it was not far off. It was a deep crimson Well, I'm losing my hair. I can't fucking talk today crimson. Don't worry about it Crimson nose At the top of my head is it's new to the sun. Yeah, this is baby skin. This area is still purple Yeah, so it's not nothing like it was Nothing bro. I was crushed that shit Then I had to fly back the next day. You had the sunglasses paled, dude

I had the Zoros. This side of my face was worse Because we sat in one spot for like a half hour at the end. I was Harvey Dent I'm Harvey Domnez There's Harvey Donovan up there. Well, then I was like, dude, no one's gonna be able to tell Well, they put blue lighting on the stage to help And they're like, well, you're gonna be lit with blue lighting. You won't be able to see it like that And I was like, that'd be funny if you were up there and was like, shit, where is he? He completely disappeared. He canceled me out

They fucking, I got on stage. I was like, dude, I got fucking so somber and only the people in the front row could see it Yeah, the other nine, the other nine hundred, 95 people were like, what's he talking about? That is a bad feeling waking up with a Look, you look insane. I looked insane It was funny. It was so hot. It hurt. I know, dude, you were dying. It was so shitty. That was crazy But I was like, woke up. Normally when you get a bad somber and you're just like, whatever, who gives a fuck? This was like, oh, a spotlight's gonna be on my forehead in front of a thousand people tonight I'm gonna look like a fucking insane person

It might have been Spud. People are gonna be like, he was like, people are gonna be like, damn, he's not doing good I was like, fuck, man It sounds like a spot is a Yeah, I'm just like, man, you're so fucked that like people are gonna see you and be like, holy shit He's doing bad. To me that somber and like you must be like drunk and depressed I think someone was like, well, would you fall asleep outside? Yeah, no, I was I was like, no, this was a choice

I could have put sunscreen on You did make the choice. You're like, nah, I'm just wrong It's like, fuck it. I'll get, you know, get a couple more freckles. Yeah. Have fun. No big deal That was the right choice though Cool, now, cooling your sunburn Dude, let's go back to an age-old debate. Who's more salt life? You got to cool your sunburn head off on stage with a with a I won't mention the beer You got to cool your head off on stage with a beer from your sunburn

Yeah, that was pretty sick. That is ultimate salt life. That's SL, dude That's a stamp That might have put a pin in the fucking case, dude I will be at the beach all of July You were nice, dude. The underwater battles, you were You said you claimed to be Gio, dude, in the pool. You are not True. Underwater you're fucking nice Underwater on the surface, I'm crap

Yeah, true. I saw that backstroke You know how I learned how to swim underwater? I used to pinch people. I'd go to the beach in Jersey Shore I'd go up to them underwater pinch them and I would go so far away underwater Yeah That time I popped up nobody suspected me Wow And I would do this pretty much all day to my cousin's delight

Dude pinching strangers underwater. Oh, what's our strangers? Strangers, total strangers Holy shit I swim up on like I get deep enough You're probably scared the fuck out of me Dude, I would watch people run Well, my cousins were really watching I'd pop up and kind of check the aftermath Oh, there was no then I get them. I'm like, you do it. Let me watch my cousin make like

Because the water is so murky in New Jersey like if you're like four feet underwater, you can't see anything Yeah, dude a pinchy watching a stranger react to getting water underwater or open your eyes underwater. It's pretty salt life, dude Yeah, I don't think I even opened them, but I think I just fucking echolocation I'm cetacean nation But dude the uh, yeah, dude, that was I want to do that this year. I'm gonna get someone this year. Is you're gonna get arrested? Dude, I would fucking like dude There was one time where I watched you can't do that as a fucking adult

You have to Did I watch the guy there's this dude in a cut sleeve shirt chilling the whole time like coming in the way? He's like, no the water's clear. Thanks to see you Fucking weird guys coming towards us True I would get ladies and men alike dude just right on their foot and fucking or I would do a quick little like One of these will get people I would run dude I

I don't know if it was the guy I got a tough guy one time like kept a cut sleeve shirt on in the ocean I got his foot. He fucking booked that there was a lady There was a guy trying to get like a his daughter to come in the tough guys nice I got a tough guy and he fucking scuttled out of the water I mean, anyway, dude, I feel something like it was like a conscious Yeah, fucking creature rubbing your foot. It's just If I touch a fucking seashell that's like if it's all saying and I touch one hard thing There's something in here. I'm the same way. I'm the same way

Dude, I fucking that was so fun doing that one time I went to the beach and I was getting crushed by jellyfish I was like, I'm getting stung. I was with my cousin And she was like, no, you're not you're being a pussy. I was like, I swear to god. I'm getting stung something. It hurts so bad And we stayed out there and I'm finally she got stung once and it was like, holy shit. I just got stung We got to go back dude. I had welts Welts all over me. We had to piss Do you have to pee after you stung tinkle on it? Oh, is that what happens? Yeah, you got piss on the where you got bit by

Did it work? I got who uh, did you did you How'd you get the pee on you? Just curious. I don't think we tinkled. I was just trying to make that story somewhat interesting Once I started telling it. I realized it wasn't I figured I would insinuate that my cousin peed on my lip I was just gonna tell you about a time my female cousin pissed all over me I mean that is true though for if a girl's like, no, you're being a pussy. I'm like, you're absolutely right I am being a pussy. I stomached like three fucking jellyfish stung dude. That sucks

I'm still terrified. I was absolutely like it really hurts I'm serious. I wasn't like champing these things. I was like for real like oh, oh We have to go in No, I remember we put sand on it Did you wet sand on it and you were like would you please pee on this? I was like, I don't think this is working This hurts still hurts. It's like three bee stings dude. It hurts so bad Fucking sucks. Were you down there in august might I ask? I'm not sure when it was It's like august is when the fish think we were down hillhead way. Oh, let's know my family. Yeah, probably wasn't prime time

Probably fucking october Dude as I get older man the beach in september is nice. Oh, yeah, summer. Oh my god. Yeah. Oh my god less crowded beach the better Yeah, dude, I don't care if the water's cold. I'll be blacked out up to my knees pissing nothing Then I'll try to lay down No, I don't need to I don't need to swim with the water's warm in september in september, man. It's like not bad Yeah, true I went down there last september way and it was uh, it was nice. What'd you hit? It's down to sea owl

But yeah, I do see I don't I don't love the jersey sure like that. I don't either. I mean, it's just too much fucking It's just filly trash. Yeah, it's filly and jersey trash packed on a beach Yeah, well sea owl especially because there's like a million bars. God damn it What was that? My fucking agents are calling incessantly. I hope something bad's not happening in my career. Yikes They found out they found out you're worshiping the devil. They found out. I'm actually a satanist Dude, I pulled up behind a fucking satanist license plate today at daycare I pulled up and there was they're probably scoping out some fresh blood I don't know what the fuck was going on. There was like a

You know, like that little religion thing with the fish and it has some people Yeah, co-exist or the well, it's like the oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, just the fish. Yeah. What's that thing called? Ixias or something. Yes It's something like that. I it's like the I forget but the uh, ixiakos or some whole shit Dude, the uh, yes, I pull up the ixiakos sort of whatever the fuck that thing is with a like devil like sainton inside of it and I go Oh, fuck is that and then I pull up and then briny didn't notice it. Yeah, I'm like DaVinci Ko and obviously I'm hitting all the symbols There was like a goat like a goat head thing like a guardian with a goat. I'm like, what is it?

ixiakos, ixiakos Oh, I had to tap into my dead language based You're aramaic I have been reading the lamps the translation of the bible, but it's not a big deal What's going on with the translation of the bible the lamps the translation? I think we talked about it. How long have you been working on this? Dude, I have months. My progress has been spotty, but Yeah, yeah, it's all right

It is sick though. I had the first hundred pages of east of Eden. I've been telling everyone. I'm like East of Eden's so good. I love it dude. You got to read the professor of desire You might like that. I think it sounds like I would hate this. No, it's so good. Is about a horny fucking professor Yeah, but he did not he denounces his sexuality denounces his horniness, dude And it's like him who now he can't get a boner and he's depressed and dude. It's the it might be the fun It might be it's my uh, philip roth a classic. I love philly roth classic. I mean it's classic jewish literature mushy's It's classic. I mean jew's rock again. Let me say it again on the record jew's rock classic jewish literature philip roth Dude, my fucking boner is not

Well, that's pretty much how his parent dude, he's at one point he gets so depressed. He's he has a threesome in france I'll give you the whole you have to read it. I'll tell you the whole story. So this guy. He's a young man his parents own a Over like a resort basically a hotel for like rich jewish people and they come and they're like pray He like he's like a cousin or something they keep praising. They're like, oh, he's he's so handsome I'm herby so handsome and like herby. Yeah, some some kid is his cousin So and he's just kind of watching his other dude get all the shine So and eventually he goes to high school and this is like their late fifties

So he's so horny and he's like asking like smell the girl's hair and he wants he like he finds out He's hitting him with jb. I hit him with jb. He gets to like kiss a girl's belly button dude. It's america. Smell your hair He kisses a girl's belly button That's like the one because they're all like dude go away. You're fucking freaking girls bellies is the fucking shit Dude, he I mean he wasn't wrong about that. Yeah, and also too I think the author might be the biggest horn dog because he's like this stuff's so specific that I'm like, dude You didn't make this up. Yeah, which this guy phil broth is the bro. He does rule So he he's like kissing ladies bellies and they're like bro. Go away. You're kind of weird

And then he goes away to college and he is like he only gets along with one dude Belly time. Well, there's time to explore this dude's gay. He doesn't know this guy's gay So he's like shit. He showed they were just arguing about like literature and he's like no and no one else will talk literature with him But this one gay guy, so Obviously, obviously, so then he's like and he keeps noticing how this gay guy has like what books was the gay guy reading? Like how to be a bad bitch in the business world Sitting poolside have a subtle art of not giving a fuck I don't even care

I forget I think this guy was uh, the dude in the book was obsessed with chekov Okay, there's a dreary russian. Yeah, kind of like a dreary russian christian type of dude But it was actually kind of sad that the conclusion of the whole book by the way is like as a human You can either stifle your passions or go like go fully with them in both ways. You're destroyed in the end But I was like damn, it's kind of sad But then he uh, so then he you can either follow your passions or not But either way you're dead. Well, he was like your passions will somebody write that down. Oh, okay Yeah, he goes because your passions will destroy you if you follow them recklessly, but if you try to stifle them too much

It'll just kind of like kill you inside. Oh, oh, I see. I thought it was more of like a you can follow your dreams or not Either way you don't know it's talking. They're more about like like they thought like coming was a sin back then So this guy was like under the under the impression that like coming was bad So he's kissing bellies at school. He goes to college He's hanging out with this one gay guy and then their friends are like, yo that guy's gay and he's like god damn it He starts thinking about all this soil. He's a bunch of soiled Kleenex's in his room and he goes Ew, dude, dude. He's been jizzing this gay stuff, dude So then well, it's funny is the guy's a gay guy gets drafted

And then so he got the gay guy goes off the war but the gay guy runs away So in the fbi comps and they're like, you're the only guy who knew this gay guy and fbi is basically hitting him up being like, yo Did you guys and he's like, no, dude, I don't even I don't even know what a gay guy was but he hits him with like I don't even know it was a fucking thing So what year is what year is this? This is supposedly taking place like pre-60s So this is like world war two. He gets drafted. I don't know. Maybe it was vietnam I forgot maybe he was a boy. Maybe you know, he was a boy in the 50s. Now. He's entering the 60s Okay, yeah, they talk about hippies and stuff. So I think his friend draft

We sent a gay man over to vietnam vietnam and he fucking he's he obsconds. So then Sorry, this is a long explanation. No, it's fine Dude, so then he uh, I didn't have anything Dude, I'll give you the whole book. You can have I was gonna read In glorious bastards quotes. That's what I was doing last night I was I was quoting out of rain That quote that all right, sorry, what happened dude, so then he gets he gets a fellowship So he's doing good. He goes to postgraduate in literature

He gets a fellowship to go to europe and now he's finally away from his parents, dude Like the he's like away from there like I think he's calling it like they're brooding like jewish like rigidity of like Go find a girl like all that. Yeah, he's he's in the quote. He likes to give himself He's a rake amongst scholar a scholar amongst rakes, dude You're a rake. I'm a bit of a rake, dude He's a well now i'm a scholar, but I mean again, it doesn't even matter So dude, he goes there. He finds these swedish ladies talks him into a threesome. He also has a huge jewish dick, too He's a huge jewish. The worst

He talks these ladies dude into a threesome one of them's a beautiful Just a very like humble swede and the other is this lady's name is bergitta Begitta is a nasty whore, dude So he teams up with a nasty whore who's a really ankles. Oh, it's the sixties. She was a legit whore Well, she had they had a threesome. Well, basically he had sex with a roommate watch Then he was like let's all get into this. So then he eventually was like What's the nastiest thing you want to do and the lady's like tie me up This is a big deal back then

So he ties his ladies up and he spanks her bottom while the roommate watches And then after they do that the lady like cries and then she just moves. Yeah, obviously she moves home to sweden They all cry after that I actually loved it. It's like no, you didn't dude Dude, she moved home. So now it's him and the roommate who's just a nasty little freak. You just gotta go home and listen to johnny cash Yep, what have I become dude and now he's like this guy's bugging out He's like dude, I can do what he's a young man. He goes. I can do whatever the fuck I want So then he goes with this lady is here nasty little roommate. They go to france and then he's with this roommate talking to a

Hooker like we're gonna have a threesome and a guy fucking a frenchman pulls a hammer out of his overalls How dare you subject your wife to this? And he's like, I'll fucking hit you in the head. They have to run away. That's how I was back then dude If they saw you and your wife, well, he thought it was his wife talking to a hooker. He's like, dude I'll hit you in the head with a hammer. Yeah, how dare you subject your wife to such a disgusting nasty business What a fucking honorable frog crazy All right, so then he run he goes back home and he goes bring it out I don't even like you dude

I don't know what I was thinking Sends her packing and then he has to move home to the states where he becomes a literature professor And he ends up he meets up with a lady's feme fatale, bro Just that he runs he runs into a lady who her whole childhood and this is boring to stop me. I'll I get no No, no story. This is good. So he comes back from fucking Europe being like I might be the biggest fucking And he's like basically I'm the biggest sex man. He's a freak dude. He's bad. He's bad bunny. He's a 90 He's bad bunny 1963 super freak bad bunny But he did he did fuck up his studies to go get a ton of pussy. So he goes

I'm gonna focus on my study. So he's trying to turn over a new leaf How much pussy are you getting the fuck shit up two pussy? He had two pussies. That's all it takes. She's that That's 10 minutes of my dad Yeah, but in 62 this is like sets of five. He was also like fucking hookers too out of nowhere He would find like old nasty hookers and fuck them And then he would write that lady in sweetened letters be like, I love you so much. I miss you so much Please come back here But uh, so then he moves home. Maybe I'm gay dude. What do you mean? Why I just don't like women as much as all these guys like women

I don't know sounds like such a fucking headache. He went to france with two or ladies Well, he's trying to have a threesome. Yeah, but I don't know. I mean I'll spend all that time with fucking women. Well, to be fair. He was there He was sent to europe to research. I think like Scandinavian folklore So he's like either I try to have a threesome with Swedes or I go back and read about Norse gods And he was like, I'm gonna fuck these Swedes, dude. All right, if you put it that way, that's pretty awesome So then dude, so then he meets a lady But this lady's story is that she was like a very hot chick

So she was 18 years old from like a, you know religious family and then she met up with like These like like rich businessmen that were like working in like Asia and they were like, let me take you to Asia Tokyo partners the Tokyo partners bro taking 18 year old into Asia And then they just were just like passing around basically and she got to live like the fabulous life And then at one point the one guy who was who's with Jackson's she was at the San Diego pool She was dude alpha wife. She was alpha wife basically alpha widow, dude So she goes with the ultimate alphas in Asia and one guy is such an alpha ghost I'll kill my fucking wife. Just give me the word. Yeah, she got scared and ran back to the states

So then this guy marries this lady knowing that that was her past and it why did dudes do that? It's all the time you hear people like got caught talking to a cop about like to just kill my fucking wife What a pussy thing just get a divorce you freak You couldn't get back. Oh, yes. You could back there. It was the 60s. Yeah, true true Although dude Frenchmen were out to hit you can't kill them. You definitely can't kill your wife But he's like I could have gotten away. He was a powerful businessman In the orient dude. He could have gotten away with it. That's definitely all the more reason to just get it Just go please go away

Imagine what imagine you're an American expatriate kind of like businessman Watching your hit go down where I think they're gonna like hit his wife with a car And you have one of those raiden hats and you're just going excellent Dude So then he starts getting real jealous because this lady's the whole time being like, yeah, you should have seen this other guy But that's what his mom did to his dad by the way His mom the whole time worked for this businessman one time and he she would be like he had the straightest posture

He stood up and I typed so well for him. Yeah, dude. So then he was he was beating himself Yeah, so dude. He this lady. He's with her Fucking they're torturing each other. It's I'll stop. I'm not gonna stop. No keep going. I want to what happens Dude, you guys invested at this point. Yeah, so basically he leaves his wife to the glorious bastards quote Just going over that in my head I'll basically sum the whole book up as quick as possible The lady eventually spurges out and then tries to go back to the dude three years into their marriage She steals all of his money

Goes to the guy's house and at his gaze and goes let me in the guy goes Oh, fuck. He's like, yo, go get her out of here and he she starts screaming like he was going to kill you to his wife And the guy's like that's just a crazy lady. I've never heard of her and then she claims that he planted coke on her And then he so she gets caught with cocaine In this country and the guy has to bail his wife out of jail And the whole the passages are so funny because he was like I've never heard of people going I've heard of people going from bliss to suffering, but in my case suffering to bliss It's he's basically like I'm done

Dumbass I'm out. So yeah, he gets out of that marriage and he meets like a very plain-faced woman And then he just goes I tell you can ask for but then he goes this is cool But I'm not because he can't stay hard. So he goes I'm not I'm hard now for this lady There's no way I'm staying hard for this lady So then the book ends with him just being like sucking her nipples being like I'll never be hard for this There's a whole bunch in the middle that's actually very poignant and funny But yeah, the ending of it is just him just fiercely sucking your nipples against all the odds There's stuff in the middle with a gay guy ringing his doorbell and his dad getting all pissed off

I wanted to pour boiling water on him, but that was Very funny Sick He sublet an apartment from a gay guy. He knows so then when his dad comes to visit There's a gay guy ringing the doorbell being like hey candy pants and he's like his dad's like what the fuck is that? Do you know this man candy pants that I swear. I don't know this man. There's a gay guy like talking gay shit Do you imagine if a gay guy talk gay shit through the intercom? You had to be like dad It was the old guys. I don't know who the fuck the old tenant and your parents are like definitely worried about you

Oh, but anyway, I'll shut up. I'll just shut up. I loved it. I'll just come on dude That was great. No, that book does rule professor of desire. I kind of gave away the whole plot, but it's pretty good Dude, there was one path. I'm sorry. This is I'll stop after this There was one passage where I almost started crying on the plane. So he's losing weight. He's so depressed He moves he's in new york in his it was a gay guys place the gay guys ringing the buzzer His dad's all concerned the mom has cancer And he just found his dad told him like your mother's got cancer and they're all like we're worried about you You're losing weight. You can't get boners

So after the gay guy rang the doorbell. Do they know he can't get boners? No, they don't know those they think he's gay because there's a gay guy going around dad goes Don't we go to I'm gonna beat this guy's ass and he's like dad for real It's just this things just happened But at one point he's in the lowest point of his life finds out his mom has cancer It's like his dad's like he's like oh my dad is gonna destroy my dad. I'm gay I'm at the lowest point in my life, but I think I'm gay and then he goes He starts to fantasize about like as a 40 year old man crawling in a bed between him and like cuddling up

He's like how weird come on. It wouldn't be that weird. I could sit there at the foot of their bed and like bring up all the good times We had as a child a joke. We'd make constant He's like I'd stay like described how he would do it. He's like it wouldn't be weird I go hey guys remember that one time when we all went there. I was nice. We had some good times, right? He goes I might as well lay down with you guys Dude, I was like I was like crying on the plane. I was like, oh, it's so fucking sweet He wouldn't be this is one more time My mom's gonna die is want to get in the bed with the both of them as an adult is erect. It was it was pretty good, dude

I don't know about y'all, but I sure as hell didn't come down from the goddamn smoky mountains cross 5 000s of water Fight my way through half of Sicily and jump out of a fucking aeroplane to teach the Nazis lessons in humanity Nazis ain't got no humanity Come on, man That was from the fall. That's out of the rain, dude. No, no, no, that's employers bastards. Oh That's yeah, now y'all might have heard rumors about the armada happening soon Well, we'll be leaving a little earlier, we're gonna be dropped into France dressed as civilians once we're in enemy territory as a bush wick Bushwack and grill army. We're gonna be doing one thing and one thing only killing Nazis

Dude I was getting so pumped. I was just screaming this last night Nazis ain't got no humanity there the foot soldiers of a Jew hating mass murder in maniac And they need to be destroyed come on dude, dude Yeah, how does the good guy? How did the good guys always fucking win, dude? Because they write the story after true You're saying there's more to meets the more than meets the eye about the economy. I'm the direct descendant of jim bridges

Come on, man Now hold on. There it is Now i'm the direct descendant of the mountain man jim bridger. That means I got a little engine in me Oh, come on man fire it up. Yeah, that's pretty nasty. That's all I needed last night dude What's fucking good? You know What the fuck is good? I just I'm just laughing at people think they can possibly stop you Like Do you ever watch this podcast or it's like diary of a ceo?

So take me through your day. How are you waking? It's like, well, I wake up at 11 a.m Then I read glorious then I scream in glorious bastards quotes Then I go through five shows What is a day in the life come home? There's a million fucking british guys podcast with like nine million subscribers like Just two people I've never heard of being like when you found it your first company Tell me what was that was like when you walked through that and it's like just tell you what accidentally wake up at 8 a.m Eat some bacon. Don't cook it the whole way

Feel sick Take a nap for an hour wake up late have to kind of jog to the gym to do deadlifts Come back scream about nazis go-do shows That's it. We hit an hour garden. You must be gotta be an hour gotta be a goddamn hour. Got him I got a feeling patreon is gonna be lit dude. It's gonna be great. I'm gonna need some coffee though. Yeah I'm ready to go to sleep. Let's get some cafe Yeah, these are I'm again. That's a little it's a little taste of those fucking steel magnolias. I have five of them on thursday

I had to fucking go home. Yeah, I forgot about that Jump out of a goddamn aeroplane Teaching nazis humanity nazis ain't got no humanity I took one of that. We'll talk about the pay. Yeah, let's talk about more about I'm just gonna keep reading those quotes. Perfect Sick, it's perfect. Thank you Good. Oh dudes, uh Oh wait, well, they see this. Yes denver. Yeah, please go to denver comedy Cleveland and pittsburgh may 12 and 13th comedy works is gonna be nuts comedy works denver. That's comedy works is denver

May 12 13th matt will be in denver. Thank you. 12 and 13th. I'll be in cleveland and pittsburgh Also me tim dill and nick mullin and big j are doing shows in charleston may 19th, so go to that That's awesome. Lamarra. You'd like to plug something. Hello. I'm lamarra. I'm gonna be at the comedy scene june 23rd june 24th Come here. Where's that fox bird in foxboro massachusetts. Whoa home of the new england patriots Guard dog. You want to say anything bud? You got nothing to plug? Please come into my stand show it's the first wednesday of every month. Yeah, with it. We are a real fucking marketer She should have seen him last night. No bells and whistles killed it capture the room

Capture the heart out of the room. You want this? Yeah, give me that We're looking tomorrow. All right. Well, we're gonna lick them tomorrow. We're gonna lick them on the page Yeah, we're gonna lick them on the page. Yeah, for sure. Goodbye