Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 472 - Howard and Sam's Secret Podcast (feat. Howie Mandel & Sam Tallent)

Episode Date: December 13, 2023

Support the D.A.W.G.Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod Support Samuel and Nathan @ patreon.com/chubbybehemoth Support Howard's Podcast 'Howie Mandel Does Stuff' Go See Matt Live @ mattmccusker.com/dates Go See Shane Live @ shanemgillis.com Go See Sam Live and Buy His Book @ samtallent.com/ Get Merch @ mssecretpodcast.com/merch HELLO. Wutz gud?! This week, the bro Howard Mandel joins the cast. Shout out Unc - listen to his cast Howie Mandel Does Stuff. We also had our dear pal Samuel Tallent on - who is releasing his comedy special on our YouTube channel on Dec 26. Please enjoy. God Bless you all.  Support the show & get 20% off & free shipping at https://www.manscaped.com with the code DRENCHED Visit thefreezepipe.com and use code DRENCHED for 10% off your order Get 25% OFF @ trueclassic with Promo Code DRENCHED at https://trueclassictees.com/DRENCHED #trueclassicpod Go to https://auraframes.com/mssp and get up to $60 off today. This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try for 10% off your 1st month at betterhelp.com/mssp & get on your way to being your best self

Hey guys, Sam talent has a big major announcement. Yes, Matt and Shane have been kind enough to allow me to put my next comedy special on their platform It'll be debuting here December 26th It's called the Toads Morale and you can watch it right here on the MSSP YouTube page Thank you very much. I can't I can't speak highly enough about the Sam's ability as a stand-up comedian. I know I'm very It's very nice of you guys. You're great but we're honored to have you on our page. Thanks, Paige. Yeah, watch it, tell your friends about it. Watch it and share it, that's the point.

December 26th, tell everybody, I'll probably do some fucking gay watch party about it, but you have to do these things. Also see me as Zany's first weekend of January. Thank you guys. Of course, man. Fucking pops. It'd be awesome.

It'd be a very funny podcast, apparently. Just sleeping, instead of how he meant those sleeping counts. Just sleep, dude. Wow. Watch a June nap. Yeah. I would.

People don't do that. Just watch Jews sleep. They know what they used to, but it wasn't sleep. Yes. They would, uh, use the final rest. There you go. The ultimate nap. They know they used to but it wasn't sleep. Yes, they would It was his final rest There you go to the nap. Well, I'm already sending you down the wrong road. Oh, no, no Question shadows and photos. Oh, we started already. Oh, okay, you didn't know I didn't know

Exact same conversation for restart. We're talking about you sleeping every time. We're sleeping, are we on? Yeah. We'll do that. Is there an opening? No, no, we've been right in. I like that. We don't, this is so fucking weird. This is a beautiful home.

I don't know that you talk about this being your home. Yeah, but it's a beautiful, like custom home that seems really expensive, except you got a fake fireplace. The fake fireplace. Why is it, why would you have a fake? I have no idea. But that's like, it's like a beautiful home. And then they, they tossed in that fireplace with fake jewels.

But like, I mean, you live in Texas now where everything is like barbecue is real. Like, you're gonna like a fire to have a barbecue. And the reason I asked you, I just walked in and I said, are you moving? You have a lock box still. Like, that's how I just moved. Yeah, just moved in. But why wouldn't they take off the lock box?

Do they know you moved in? Cause the lock box, I genuinely, I'm not sure. Cause what are you doing? I'm not Is this the house you bought I think yeah no because you know what a lock box is yeah So your key is in that yes, and the real estate company has they can come in they could keep We could be sitting here on your podcast and there could be a showing That'd be wonderful sure there's a plumber that came in when I was in here. We use lock bug. I keep it out there. I get locked out a lot. He doesn't lock

the house. I don't lock the house. Yeah. Why are you broadcasting that? Why the fuck are you Why do the address and I'll be auctioning it off to the highest bidder? So hit me up. And the year and just sitting here and meeting you in person is an honor for me. Because I think that you're one of the funniest people. And, and do me next. Yeah, I was gonna say, you're not. Sam, I'll be honest with you. I'm not really aware of you, but I have a feeling that you,

Sam's really great. Really great author, decent comic, but is writing. Jeez. You're not there. I'm a comedian who dabbles in the literary world. He's just before they turned to the sun. You were, you were, you were talking about, he was being nasty. No, you said you were talking about your book.

I wrote a book. You were being nasty. Right. So why are you, why are you being nasty for a young man? I'm not. I'm very proud of the book but I've been doing a lot longer the books called Running the Light. It's about an old road comic guys you probably worked

with up there in the wild west circuit running through Calgary and Winnipeg. Well I'm Canadian but I didn't do the I haven't done the Calgary Winnipeg circuit. I'm a lot older than you. I'm a lot older than you. You might have to put a barrier. It might be a fight.

I know what the whole thing's in sear. I know what's the Calgary circuit. I don't know. I figured you guys went out there and you like performed in like you know big pits where they had barbed wire around it so no one could get in. It's Canadian comedy. Yeah, Canadian comedy. I have no idea what your book is what you do. Well, that's math. His book is genuinely really fucking running the light. Yeah, like going on past the light. That's right. Yeah. Like in a comedy club. Right. Yeah.

It's as if he was past his prime, but yet he won't, he won't stop this curse that he bears. Yeah. It's really, it's shocking how good Sam is as a writer and he's very smart. Yeah. And it's even better on stage. I can only act down. Really selling. And you were also, I remember when the,

this is perfect. Is this good? Is it going up? Obviously, I'll say the intro is bad. I as soon as you walked in, I immediately extended for a hand chick. I think you thought I was secure. It's not an incorrect move. I think I'm the,

I'm the bear, you know, as my therapist always says, how nobody has to live in your world, you have to live in theirs. Bobby's world. Bobby's world was huge. It meant so much to me. A young man. Yeah, especially out west. Yeah, where it always looks like rain. Yeah. Yeah. Bobby's world was, uh, is, is paid well. Dude is still on. Bobby's still on. Dude was so good. I was on, I think. I don't know where it is. I was on. I wanted a tricycle so much, but I was too fat. For a tricycle. Yeah, I was too fat. My legs were too long. So like, you couldn't get like adult tricycles. It's huge tricycles. I was like five years old sir. I was I was, I was chaffing. I was, I was telling Matt that was it came on every single time when I had to leave for the bus in the morning. You had to write a special bus. Yeah,

they had a lift on it took a while. Yeah. But I, I, you are on a special bus. No, I like the thing you do about your is your nephew Uncle you're on I love that. Thank you. That's that's brilliant Thank you very much, and I just love your facial expressions. Yeah, I got it. It's an easy You do it's not difficult for me to morph into that. Isn't that right? I find that coach. I couldn't stop out there. There it is. He's choked. I really haven't coached. That'd be funny if we did that. You know, there's podcasts that sometimes, you know, they use black stuff.

But I don't know if you know this, but I'm not. We switched and it was like, you're gonna eat the statue. Have you ever like approached a woman with that? I mean, truthfully, yes. I mean, by the time, if I'm drinking a lot, yeah, I'm there. Oh, you did, if I get drunk, my face is that.

And I've definitely only, the only time I've ever approached a woman is if I was drunk. So I was making that face. Hey. And that doesn't work. No, no, not doing great really. No, and then sometimes we'll have like a big lump of skull on his lip. It looks like hiding Legos in there. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, you don't want to take them away. She wants to get down. Yeah, down syndrome. That's what I was doing. Oh, there you go. We have a we have a thing You're gonna talk about living in someone the whole living in someone else's world

I got I had to shake hands with a man this week. Oh, is it target? This guy came up He was like, hey fan goes to shake my hand his hand was covered in fucking lotion. Oh, it was the most Fucking lotion. I like it was the most fucking lotion. Like it was like, this guy just jacked off. Oh. What else would that be for? And then he was like, hey, could you talk to my friend on my phone real quick?

His phone's covered in lotion. What? What? What? He was a super nice guy, but he satisfied. Right. Another satisfying customer at Target. Did you check his other hand? No, but let me see

He shook no, but he can I touch your dick to see if yeah Yeah, if it's what I think it is that guy was jacking off a target and then he was like oh there's shame What I owe you a hand oh Christmas I oh Yeah, yeah, it's the holiday season. It is He was jacking off on all the fucking ornament those are tiny Tim Like looped up jacked off Bob I'm talking. I didn't say anything. I didn't mention it now. Why?

Because it was really uncomfortable and he was excited and I didn't want to he's very excited. I didn't want to be like What's your hand? What's all over your what is all Or I'd be like, what's your hand lubricated? What's all over your, what is all of your hand? What's all over your hand? Yeah, what are you covering? I've got terrible sausage recovering me in. It was a lot. And he'll go, I'm moisturizing and you go,

why didn't you moisturize the other hand? Yeah, yeah, true. And then you got to check the other hand. Yeah, check me. Yeah, let me, let me touch where your penis meets your balls. That's, that's where it gets. That's where the lotion stays. Yes. That's where you go. I got everything off. I don't

What is it called? The perennial duck You are a writer. Mm-hmm. You are an author. Thank you I was also a doctor, so she knows about areas. It's actually called the perennial duck the perennial duck I think is what the perennial duck. The perennial duck, I think? Is what? The perennium is your taint. The duck. You know, your penis meets your ball.

Perennial means you. It's that strip. It's the perennium. I'm talking about where your, well, my penis doesn't go down to the strip, but I'm talking about where your penis rests on your balls, I think. Like the absolute midpoint between balls and the star. Mine doesn't even rest.

It looks like a third eye in the ball's forehead. I'm getting it. So I just like it. I've never, I've never, I've never, I've never, I've never, I've never, I've never, I've never, never. I've never, I've never, I've never, I've never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, Third eye in the balls forehead I used to Sat naked and just put a pair of like sunglasses on your dick you put it you sit you put a pair of sunglasses Like those what Do the bit why and And then and then you take a cigarette or something and you put it

between your dick and your nuts. You hold the hold the cigarette and you have glass. That's really fun. No, it is. And then when you when you when you move up when you it looks like it looks like it's Oh yeah, that's a great fit. No, I've never thought I'd never done that. I did it when I was a kid. I used to talk about it in my act. I talked about it in my act. This is a true story. So I'm doing it in my room. I've got the thing. I have a friend. So I made one and so I put the I put the glasses there and I had a cigarette yeah in between I'm going like and a cigarette moves It's great. You'll I know that who's ever watching this is gonna try it. Oh for sure Yeah, I'll tell you some other things, but my mom walked it my mom walks in she walked in and I was like that And I just like froze and I You know she says to me? You fucking smoke.

You made you smoke the whole pack? No, she was more of, she was more of a turd than I had a fucking cigarette instead of sunglasses and I was talking to my own nuts. Yeah, yeah. Why is that? Why is that? I mean, did she know you were like a fucking weirdo already?

I didn't ask. I just, she was mad at me for having cigarettes, not for putting... Yeah. It's probably trying to solve one problem at a time. Yeah, let's go. I was supposed to be that one first. I think it was... I guarantee she was...

Anybody that would have walked into that room. She taught me doing so many... My mother, my poor mother, that shit that she saw me doing, you know what I did this to. We... Do you ever have silly putty? Oh yes. Do you know what silly putty is? You know, you put it, did you ever do it

where you put it on a comic strip? Oh yeah. And you take the comic strip and then you can put that on another piece. I didn't have silly putty. But in the summer when I was sweaty, I would put my balls on the on the comics. And did that work? Yeah. No. And then I, oh yeah.

I'm really it does. And then on that, we had like a linoleum, like a linoleum countertop. And then like my mom said, who put fucking beetle Bailey? All over it. Beetle Bailey was that was that yeah, you know, it is yeah It was like the war criminal right yeah, yeah, yeah, and then I would and then he was all over and she didn't know it's from my Not it was from your nut sack He transferred in transferred from your nuts to the oh my god, it's transfer. It's amazing. I have so many things to do I have so many things to do. I have so many things to do. This will be a reason I tell you guys because you live here in Texas. There's a lot of humidity. Which is yes. No, for transferring, it just adds another. It's like you would think

Betel-Bale started on the counter and didn't start in the colleagues. Yeah. True. It's perfect. It's the perfect. We're just leaving one you're not. That'd be nice to have a good day. Pardon me? It's not a girl. Just have a Dilbert card you don't need not. Something for, you know. Yeah, just great.

I'm married. So I need everything I can get to be like, hey, you could read the funny stuff. Yeah, read the funny stuff. Read the funny stuff. We can 69 and you can get a real good chuckle. What do you see with Captain Garalt? Yeah, Captain. Someday funny. That's cool. What do you see with Kathy? Sunday funnies!

I always I did a lot of things with my testicles. Really? Do you have like a pronounced sack? Now I do because I did things that shouldn't, I got cut from, I got cut from one of those, the red, does your appointmentopoly? Yeah, those little red, did you ever play me anopoly? Yeah. Those houses.

Sure. I got, I cut my nuts on one of those red houses. You're gonna ask me, I said, I don't know. Didn't say, I was adhering them. I would thought it would be funny. If I adhered them to my nuts, and I was trying to, what I was creating was a cul-de-sac

When you dig cut your testicles on them. Yeah, because they're they're not made for that. They're sharp Yeah, yeah They're very sure preventing exactly what you were trying to do Yeah, they don't you know when you read the box when you buy them in Opley You'll say like the small object could be a choking hazard. They don't they don't Imagine this was a joking hazard Sorry You mother fuck I'm yes, the ending. That's great. Yeah, that's great. You're not also bleed forever too if you got them

They do they bleed for fucking ever they never heal you nick a ball sack or shaving they get in the shower You can't You can imagine how much they bleed from monopoly. Yeah, it's more than More than your are you nuts? You're lucky. It wasn't a hotel Five houses. Yeah, I have to have five houses on my nuts to get a hotel. You know, just get a hotel like that. Sorry. Yeah.

Who the fuck is this? Like I got a, like I got a five houses on my nuts. Come on, sir. That would be crazy. That would be crazy. That would be nuts. That would be crazy. That would be crazy.

That one, oh my gosh. You didn't, where you're going to get five houses. Once you get three houses, you're already at the perineal duck. That's right, yeah. Yeah, once you get the perineal duck, that's a side street. That's a bad neighborhood.

That's a bad neighborhood. Filled with lotion. True. From two weeks ago, a target. It's a floodplain. Yeah, the circle of life. I used his loop. I got a home, my hand was still looped up. That's the gift. It was insist. Oh, he looped it. Yeah, he was his circle of life. I used his loop. I got home. My hand was still looped up.

That's the gift. It was insist. He looped. Yeah, he was Kobe and Jack. It's a Christmas article. You know what to do. You know to do with this. He was your stock. Little pistol peaks. So you've done everything. You've done everything under the sun with your balls.

Literally under the sun. Yes. Yes, that is awesome. I was a child. I didn't have a lot of friends. I didn't have any friends. Really? It was just me and my nuts.

Damn. Yeah. You're like Scarface. That's all you have in this world. You're balls in your words. You ever try and float them in a cup? I did that once. Really? Yeah, like a little T cup and you like try and make your balls float, but they don't float.

How do you know they don't float? Like how do you know they're sinking? Well, if you're been in a pool and you ever see them, they've never rose up on you. Well, they can't rise higher than you. Right, I know, but like I tried as a boy to like dip by gentleman's purse in a bag and see if it would float, but no, it just descended. You would say I ever had. I know.

It don't sit on toppling a water boat. Science. Science. They don't float. No. Yours don't float. You dick does, you know that. That's not true for my dick floats for sure.

Yeah, my dick floats. Your balls float. Your balls don't have an a fat in them. No, that's not true. I'm telling you that there's a problem that you should actually talk to your wife. Is she really a doctor? Yes.

What kind of medicine does she have? Family medicine, emphasis women's health. I use really fast. Family medicine, emphasis women's health. You're putting an emphasis on women's health? I do. It's sort of important. Mm-hmm.

You're not? What are you, a Republican? What are you, that's Trump? I must love Texas. But the truth is that they're supposed to float. The fact that you're sinking that's why I get a cup. Yeah, get a cup. Joe, go to the bathroom and tell us this is the Patreon. Sean actually you can see it right now.

Sean is a huge dick. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, but I'm being honest with you that it's a problem. If it sinks, there could be some You could have a fiber a fiber. I could have lead in there No, but it's a there's a problem. I'm being honest. I don't know if you're being honest But I feel like your test mind have never floated in my experience. How many times do you try out just that one as a boy? That one time they're a mother put an emphasis on female health. Yeah, they don't have to worry about this shit

They lick their fingers and it's. They don't have to worry about this shit. They lick their fingers and it's fried gold. We have to get hard. It sucks. Yeah, I think it's bullshit. Yeah, I know. I've never heard it. It's always.

Yeah. I'm like half mass. It's like the president's dead every time. Yeah. Yeah. I'm also in there, see what goes on. See if it stays on. It's a word business.

That's a victory. Yeah. Do you have an active sex life? Yeah, I believe that I've been married for a long time though. The married I'm old. I've married for the 43 years. That's no small feat. It's tough. No, it's average size. We're two masters. Little cool. You got me going down the tunnel highway. Yeah, I know. I'm in the back seat.

Yeah. No seatbelt. I'm doing kegel exercises right now. Oh yeah. While we're in kegel stand. What? Right now. Right now.

Is that how I'm doing? Are you, I bet whoever's listening to me. Now I am. I'm doing it too. Someone says ke listening to it. Now I am, as soon as someone says Kegel, I start squeezing something. Oh, oh, there you go. You're focused on the camera, are you doing it? No, you're doing it. Don't be in the eye, it's what you do.

So what's good with, like, how do you keep, like I would imagine, like you, as you advance an age, a lot of your friends just lose their dicks, like how do you keep your dick into? Kegel exercises, I do Kegels. I do do kiggles and I'm not gonna show it for sure now, but I've got a I'm doing it right now Are you really? Well, I'll tell you you should go home take a picture you're nuts, okay? Then do you need a big camera? Sorry, I just didn't end up.

And then do Cagals, do the set of Cagals in the morning, a set of Cagals at night, and do that for six months, and then take a picture of your nuts in six months. I don't want the balls to be bigger. They'd not bigger. I have a six sack. Whoa, you're developing more eggs? Do you know how to celebrate Easter?

I don't even understand what that means. I know this is, yeah. But you're getting abs on here. These abs are as balls from Higgins. This is on abs, there's like a six-sack. They're ripped. Okay. They're ripped.

Nice, Vainey. Yeah. Vascular. Vascular balls. Yeah. I'm trying to get my dick hard right now. Trying to get your dick hard right now. Trying to get your dick hard right now. What the fuck is your problem? I'm uncomfortable. Fake fire. I was trying my dick hard right now trying to get your dick hard

To what From balls to balls of dicks. How is it is good? That's that's better than we can say for ours. Thank you. And your ball bag looks like a crown royal pouch So it up Canadian again. No, is that Canadian? Yeah crown royal pouch. It's like Canadian. It's so dope. Canadian again? No, is that Canadian? Yeah. Crown Royal? Yeah.

Because you guys love the Queen. Yeah. Hi. Hi. I didn't want part of Canary from Toronto. Oh, okay. Nice. Yeah.

Seagrams. Yeah. Crown Royal is Seagrams. Seagrams is a big Canadian company. I didn't know that. Seagrams. I'm trying to tell you how to do. Ginger ale. Excellent. What? Seagrams ginger ale? No, Canadian. Canada dry ginger. There's no Seagrams ginger ale. There is in America.

Yeah, should we go back in Canada dry? I can't control this. They're Seagrams ginger ale. We boycott a Canada dry. Yeah. Why? Because the war of 1812. When you remember what you guys did? No, you guys came down burnt or precious White House. Yeah, me.

Yeah, you're fucking Canadian bullshit ancestors. January six. That was hard, yeah, you guys really did it. So that's why I want to be half of me and my entire country. I just wanted, that's why I want to be here of me and my entire country. I just wanted that's why I want to be here. I want to apologize Thank you and now I understand the symbolism of your fake fire. Yes, that was that's the White House Why do they come down there do that why they do that? Yeah, why do we do England? Why do I do that?

Because you guys are under the rule of the crown true you were vastly you guys had to listen to you guys had to listen to England And they said go burn that fucking White House We we would I got to tell you that when I started school every morning we sang God saved the Queen Well, we didn't have a flag until I was in fifth grade the sex crystals version The no wait, what was the Canadian flag? Just the Union Jack? No. Yes.

Wow. And then we got, and then we came up with the Maple Leafs. The Maple Leafs, nice. I like it. Okay. I like a lot of it. Yeah. It's good.

I like the Canadian flag. I like the Canadian flag. How often have it? Yeah, it's nice. It's pretty good. But I remember when we got our own flag. That's exciting. Google, when did we get, when did Canada get a. Google when did we get when did Canada get a flag?

Sean quick, when did when did Canada get a flag? We're looking at busty TikTok Toronto's a great city in North America. I know. I've got a city. When did Yeah, I was already 10 years old. Wow, nice. You're 155. So it was my father. Do the math. I did son Daddy Give me the big try my nuts sing also That's instead of DNA yeah, nothing nothing floats in this family. Yes Yeah, I'm the same age as your father. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that speak up. I'm just, I've been chatting, I was talking, I just said, I got hard.

That's it. And I said, you guys are talking about flat. You got nothing to talk to me about, do you? I guess nothing to talk to you about. No, we don't really have everything. Yeah. No, we were just far and around. That was a warm up for the whole thing.

That's warm up for the whole thing. That's warm up for the whole thing. I was gonna do a podcast with, yeah. But Shane didn't have time yesterday. And I got a call. He can't make it to the podcast. Two minutes later, after he tells me, I go, oh, fuck.

And then my dog died yesterday. All within 15 minutes. Shane canceled the podcast. The dog did not die. You think they're connected? I don't believe it. I saw the photo. I sent a photo because he said,

I don't, who says I don't believe it? I go, I can't talk now. My dog died. I sent him a photo. And't who says I don't believe it. I go I can't talk now my dog died I sent him a photo and he said I don't believe it. He's dead dog. You think they're connected. Yeah Would you find this dead dog why are you laughing? Where did you find this dead dog? We rescued him about six years ago my wife and I rescued him and he died and He has been the pillar. I rescued him the same day my father passed and

Would you name the dog daddy? The dog's name was Papa Papa Papa and what breed other than dead was this dog Breed it dead is not a breed what type of dog was it mix I want to see if you remember dark furry mix And I lost my father and I thought I have no direction in life and we went and we Rescue this dog and the dog has been by my side. I travel with the dog. And the dog has been there. And I said, I'm coming to Austin.

And there's only one reason to come to Austin. I want to talk to Shane. Shane has been blowing up the internet, been blowing up the comedy world. Blown up toilets. Blown up. But I'm telling you, because he meant a lot to me. I'm one of the owners of Just For Lapse. Oh, really? And Shane was at new faces. I was there that because he meant a lot to me. I'm one of the owners of just for laughs.

Oh, really? And Shane was at new faces. I was there that you're too. Nothing happened for me. Well, you got the other fat guy. He got Saturday night life. I know. And when I heard that, I've been watching Saturday night live

every Saturday and you're not getting a lot of screen time. No, no, it turns out they didn't want me. Oh, yeah. Just finding out. Because of this podcast, they saw this. Oh, yeah, just finding out. Because of this podcast, they saw this. Oh, and they said no. Anyway, it was a mat. It wasn't my fault.

It wasn't not my fault. You were setting. I didn't say anything. But you were supposed to be on Saturday and live and then. Yeah, something else. And then I'd one bad meal. What? One bad meal.

I was standing about a restaurant experience I had just got taken out of it. What do you know? I know, I know. No, no, let's not bring it up. Let's not bring it up. No, no. But it's ancient history.

But my mother was so worried about me and paid to have the shots for the dog. And the dog has been with me ever since. The dog vex. You think your mom pay. Yeah. And I came here to Austin and I said, you know what? What I love what I would love is if I could talk to Shane guilt, Shane has been like a bright light on the internet and on the stage and his

face is like a bright light. So round and white. And I can't believe it. I flew all the way here with the guy with the camera flew all the way here. And then I got a call here. So round and white. And I can't believe it. I flew all the way here with this guy, with the camera flew all the way here, and then I get a call. Here, where did you get him? The skate park?

He looks like a furry. Sorry, next. Okay. And then you said, I can't make it. And I go, what the fuck? He's not going to do my podcast. He said, he can't make it. I said, oh, wait, oh, wait.

Anytime, just come for an hour. I'll bring my cameras here. I'll do something. And he said, no. And then I went, I just squatted down with my little, with Papa, you want to get one last pet? And I give him a pet and he falls over. That sucks.

And he was taking a picture of it. And I said, send this to Shane. The dog died, He doesn't show up But now you're here at his house doing his pot. It says if he power moved you in your time of whoa and grief I would console you with touch. He's he's a nasty little bush. Sean. He eats slime. He does eat slime. Yeah I had to put my dog down recently. I didn't have to. He was three years ago. Oh, now I feel good. Thank you. Oh, and all your dog is dead dog. All I hear from you is bad news. You're not ston't float. Your dog is dead. I am just a shit. I'm just trying

to I got over. I'm getting over the loss of my dog dog you fucking up on my podcast and all you're doing is you know Just down should we say like a you legit honor of your dog To papa. Yes, yeah, I'm papa. What? To papa. Yes, you're right. Are going at Dear ancient Hebrew God We come you don't have to you don't have to pander to the Jew in me. I'm not. Yeah, I think you are.

Try to be respectful. Well, I'm just saying. Dear, uh, you open the holiday cost reference. So you can't take that. That is the first thing you did was bring up a molecule. True.

You did. You did trying times. We were saying we were thankful for. Yeah. Wow. We say which holoca thankful for. Yeah. Wow. Which holocaust? Well, anyway, you could have been the Armenian. It could have been, which I dear Lord above, we are here in this tragic time to come to you to offer consolation and solace to our mentor and hero, howie mandel. And if it would bring you any kind of sucour

in your time, howie, let it be known that your dog has gone on to feed a bunch of worms and beetles beneath the earth. And now their children are being provided for with the sustenance brought by your canine's body. In Christ our Lord, amen. Did you think that was a good deal, G? Deal or no deal? True.

No deal. No deal. No deal. No deal. You're doing it again, Matt. You're talking to me. I'm trying to lose the fucking dog. I lost my fucking dog.

I hope you find him. Hold on. Hold on. We have something planned. Matt, here's a little segment we do on the show, regardless of who the guest is, we do a bit of a talent show. He true.

There's has nothing to do with America's Got Talent. America's Got Talent. Now we do everything. But Matt did want to show you something. True. No, what? What are you doing? It's having an attack.

Okay. What are you doing? It's having an attack. I'm gonna talk about bitches and crazy. Oh, I'm gonna go to my room. That's why you're drinking out of me. Is he gonna be my stream? You know what I mean? Bitches and crates. He wanted to dance for you. He wanted to dance. Oh. what you want the dead well oh

I tell you were having some kind of you're stricken with paul's it wouldn't know what you say to that that was talented That's pretty good. I think it started with promise true, and then You like the truth of the matter is it's not really about the dance. It's not about the movement. You have to Give me some background. Tell me a story. Tell me something sad about your story. Tell me something that you and then With the story. Yeah Then I will judge it. Yeah, well my parents both died while they were dancing. So My parents were dancing. They always dance in front of us, like at dinner time, they get up and dance, and then one time they just go. So now you're in orphan, and you dance to connect yourself

to your parents. To your parents. They're a ballroom dancing. Well, I gotta tell you something, I connect because my dog died. And what I do is when I see dogs in the street shitting that aren't mine, I'll pick up that shit through my me of my dog. True. You dance through my me of your to remind yourself of your dead parents. Absolutely. And you know what I'm sensing? When I see you dance, it's not about the

movement. So not perfect. You're not in time, but it's about the heart. And I don't know that if people who are watching wherever you're watching this, I don't know if they can feel it But we feel it here in the room. Oh, you are Oh, I am you moved it you moved us you Did and we feel it and if it I Don't have the power to move you to whatever the next thing is from here for sure But if it was up to me. And there was a golden buzzer here.

Oh, confetti. Fireworks. Thank you. I have talents. You're going to sit right up. Book. That's a little bit of a... Hambone as we call it out there in the circuit. In Calgary.

Yeah. Do you have a story that goes with that? Yeah. So they used to call me Hambone. And then I used to do that and they'd give me food scraps. They're wearing a bone. Yeah, it's like, play your body like a drum and I would tap it and I would slap it. Head buzzer. Oh, oh, oh, oh, I'm just sorry.

It's not a, it's not a, and maybe other people might find it good. I think that, you know, talent is subjective and is it subjective or an objective? It's whatever you want to be. You're the fucking writer, go ahead. It's subjective. Okay, and I didn't connect with that. Okay, what if I was molested by a guy named Hambo? And he taught me how to do that.

Golden buzzer. Okay, all right. Perfect. What's your podcast all about? What do you do? We talk about the possibility of getting Shane Gillis on our podcast. We have other guests. How would you compare yourself to Shane Gillis?

People can be up about manifesting. Manifesting. Like if you have a goal and if you want something in life, you just manifest it and it'll come true. And if you we always open, what is today's manifestation, Shane Gillis and Papa in the same room. Both of them are live too. Yeah. And we just talk about the virtues of manifesting. That's what we do. That's the podcast. It's what's it called the man that does stuff. Oh, no, not the man that will affect. That would have been good. No, that would have been great. Yeah. Nice. What is the name of the podcast?

How he Mandel does stuff. Okay. And it's with my daughter. No, I don't do stuff with my daughter. That was my follow up. Pardon me. That was my follow up question. No, did I? You answered on you. No, no, no, you answered it perfectly. Yes. Yes. Yes. And guess just doing stuff like whatever. me you guys just do like whatever like just do stuff. What's not is it's not as smooth and well planned as this We try ours is more Lucy Goosey and yeah, let's you know, let's produce when it comes to the planning I did fuck you pretty bad on that dance and I do apologize what the best you Initiating that dance. Oh, it's fine. It's not a big deal. You should see him sing too. Oh my god Like you can see him sing without hearing him you're technically good

Definitely that'll be a good thing where you take acapella to the next level No music and no voice. Just say I'm actually nice. Yeah. Just a big opera just launching out. Pretty nice. Do you sing? I'm right. I'm an amateur. So I'm a two nights ago. They had the holiday party at Rogan's Heart of the Club. Is that why you couldn't make it? There's carry that was no yesterday. I had a bunch of bullshit, but there was karaoke. I'm gonna use that. I'm gonna use it. You don't know when you want to make it. Yeah, I can't make it. Bullshit. Bullshit came up. Yeah. The excuse is the bullshit. Well, you can't get using the dead dog thing. So no, you have to

Well, you can't get using the dead dog thing. So now you have to do that. I said, send them text them. I said to you, text in the picture of the dead dog. He'll fall for that and you go, oh fuck. Yeah, he's an ape. Fucking cares. I don't care. But there was karaoke at the party in Matt got up there.

And I was with your karaoke song choice on chain meldy. Oh, wow. I want that. I want that. Brought the fucking house down. Yes. That was a golden buzzer. Isn't that a two't want that. I don't want that. I want that. I brought the fucking house down. Yes.

That was a golden buzzer. Isn't that a two-part thing? No, it's not a duet. I mean, it is a right- to go. It's not in ghost. It's not in ghost. The movie ghost. Yeah.

Yeah, Patrick's Wazey. Yeah. There's a video of someone posted in him singing and then it was me. You know what would be funny? You could re-enact that. Shane, you get your Patreon thing. Yeah. Put it between your legs like you're molding it. You get behind him like you're showing him how to mold it. And read this scene from unchained melody. But from Ghost Ghost. Wouldn't that be great?

And he makes that little egg Patreon egg thing. So your balls, but it does. What are you right after you peel the house off? Yeah, it's true. Discolored, made in runs. Discolored. Yes. Thank you. We have our own thing going over here.

You guys do. We literally have a podcast going. It's perfect. This is great. How is he doing featuring Sam? How long is each of your episodes? We can end it whenever, but usually like an hour. Yeah.

Cause it already seems like an hour. I bet it's been shockingly, it's not a lot of time. Yeah. We can also start from up top and just rip. We got all the weird energy out of the room. Yeah. Oh, see, when I start, I think there's been going great. It is good. You know me and you were of the room. Yeah. Oh, see, when I start, I think there's been going great. I did. It's good. Which you don't mean you were carrying the weight. Okay, ham. Oh, wait, was it you?

They never found it. I'm gonna put the scraps. Oh, well, I don't want to ask you like personal questions. Go ahead. You can. I don't want to say anything. I'm open. I was like, you know, I'm like, you know, I'm open. I'm here to be. One was like, one was the last time you cried. Yesterday one popped. No, it's popping. No, it's popping. And right before that, it was when Shane said, nope, can't make it, can't make it. Why?

Bullshit. Got a lot of bull shit. True. I think that's fair. It is. I think it's fair. What is fair? Just going fucking excuse. Here's mental health is your mental health my mental health. Yeah, your mental health now your

Paner mental health. Okay, seeing that fucking picture that dead dog Trill Semino Sparrow cuz I was thinking about my dog Shaky his dog's dog. How lucky am I that right when you canceled? dog. Shaky. His dog's dog. How lucky am I that right when you cancel a fucking dog. He's like, how lucky am I? Am I the luckiest guy in the world? I mean, what are the chances that I would be here in Austin and a dog would die right beside me right when this guy can't stand doing my podcast? I've got my whole life without finding a dead dog. Really? Yeah. Well, that's because you're not looking around. You're wondering whether your nuts are floating.

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Thank you. It's the holiday season. Oh, please call it McGubby's this weekend. Police in Maryland, McGubby's. Sweet McGubby's joke house. Please. I's the holiday season. Oh please call to McGuuby's this weekend. Polis and Marilyn McGuuby's Sweet McGuuby's jackhouse. Please just added some shows. So go to ShaneMgillis.com Yes, yes, check them out and see if you want to go. Yes, Namakosu.com slash days, please Same to all.com. Oh, yeah, Sean Nickyp City Comedy Club. Oh, don't start over. I'm starting 24. Getting in front of the camera. Stand directly in front.

How many clips? Get in front of the camera, stand directly in front. This is one move. Hey everybody, it's me, Sean Gardini. I'll be performing at Cap City Comedy Club on Wednesday, January 24th if you'd like to join me. Headline. Headline. You know, our friends will come and do stand up too.

No, don't try to fucking use us as bait dude. This is all you, you your headlining. If I'm headlining in cap city in Austin, Texas, and you're sticking your face in camera bragging about being a headliner. Thank you if you could come I'd really appreciate Found a dead turtle the other day Real deal dead in the pond and the pond. How do you know? How do you know? I was like I pride myself on being able to like sneak up on animals. So I was like, I'm getting pretty fucking close to it. That's your pride in life?

That's what you pride in. That's a lot of people's pride in life. You get my animals is very, very close. No, no, no. That civilization up on our fucking dead turtle. That's the thing I thought was alive. Turtles wasn't. I know.

And you sneak up on it. I was dead. Well, I was sneak, I did technically did sneak up on a dead turtle. There's a dead turtle in the pond. I did sneak up on this year. No, who's I was dead. I did technically did sneak up on a dead turtle. Did you get a turtle in the pond? I did sneak up on this year. I did sneak up on this day. You fucking did. I was so close and I was like, what the fuck?

Yeah. It's head was all the way out. It was like, aw. It was dead. Sit upon. How do you know? You know, turtles can be shocked very easily. You know that. Oh, yeah, that's what I'm saying

I'd never usually if you don't read the route going Go to shell sucks Sam right before you know Sam's got it. Sam wrote a lot No, because you could have killed it. He could have startled it. They're they startle so fast That's why I was like do this is crazy. They do scary. They turtles are faster than you can be quick They're so fast man their heads are in the water. They fucking pop right down. So I got super. You're both convinced that turtles are so fast. They're fast. If you ever try to sneak up on one more, especially on a log, I do. I do. I do. You get close to it. Falls right in right off. And they stick their heads out. You know, turtle off a fucking log. That's not it's scurrying. Especially if you sneak up on a turtle on a log, you say like that, like millions of people

are watching now going, they're right. They're right. Yeah, a lot of people. Literally every time. Sneak up on animals is like the ultimate pass time. It is. It's the ultimate pass time. Sneak it up on animals is why we're here.

I'm just carrying, I'm just carrying a torch into the future. I want to make sure I can sneak up on these animals. I got close to a lizard the other day. Sneaking up on dogs in the house. Oh, very fun. I was hit in my dog when you're living dog is asleep. You sneak up on it.

You fucking scare him. They get scared. It's very fun. Yeah, the lower you are at the track, you see that. I was hit in my dog in the leaf floor yesterday. You got one. Unrelated, I was hit in my dog the leaf floor full blast

and you jump up in the air every time. I was playing a lot with pop by used always. like to sneak up on him and give a little hug. That's nice. You could have him stuffed. Ooh. Then you could sneak up on him whenever you want. True. We're smelt him.

Smelt it down. Smelt it down. Yeah. It's like an amulet. Yeah. Make a diamond out of your pop. Well, you grind his bones to make your bread. Yeah.

You're rich in a fairytale. Although, dude, real I had a- When I tracked ogres. Someone I know, some of my, one of my cousins, I won't say who, they're one of their neighbors, dog died. And my cousin sent him a text thinking like, kind of as a joke, like, yo, great,

like congratulations on getting rid of your dog. And the dude called him back and he was like, why the fuck would you send me that? He's like, that's so fucked up. That is fucked up. Yeah. I know, but I'm like, it was fucked up. But he called my, he called my brother back being like,

what's this guy's bro? You know, it's funny, right? Is that what you're saying? I think, well, my brother was like, you know, we had, we had like dog. You know what's more, you've more fucked up. Huh? Name him. Name him now.

I don't know what kind of name my cousin. Name your cousin. No. They don't name the kids and his family until they're 35. What's side of the family is it on your mother's side? Your father's. I won't, I absolutely won't identify, be tree my family for this.

Yeah. But he, it was just funny he my brother had explained to him like Yeah, our family grew up like kicking and beating dogs. That's why it's funny. But like nobody else does that people love the Yeah, wait, huh? Yeah, we grew up like a house of like full. Yeah, everyone beat the dogs my family What do you mean beat though? You beat them if they were bad you like beat their ass huh? If they were in the way and fucking fuck out here and kick dogs. Yeah. Large dogs?

Yeah. They were a little bit in the shit of it. Yeah, my dude they had a fucking, they had a guard dog, they had a trasher and they had a guard dog and they fucking shot in the head. Cause they were trying to bite a customer. Oh. So they fucking blasted it. So that's like all that context. That's why he

thought nothing of it. He thought nothing of it. He thought nothing of it. I'd be so sad if somebody made fun of my dead dog like that. Yeah, my brother who explained to him how like normal people work. No, that's actually really sad for a family of loser dog. And he's like, all right, I guess. Yeah, fucking posies. Don't look at me. I'm trying. I don't know where to look. Why I killed a dog once, you know, just because I rolled over on it while I was sleeping. Is that true? Is that true? You killed a dog like that.

You haven't. Did you really roll over on a dog? Why were you fucking a dog? What a fucking dog. I can ask this all the time. Alright, I was not fucking the dog. It was light fritage and heavy petting. We're back. A lot of people didn't have faith in this podcast. A lot of them tapped out already. True. I'm gonna miss that.

True. He do like a cold opening where you'll say this good stuff coming up. Oh yeah. We do 45 made a cold opening. Yeah, it's pretty, very fucking cold pool podcast. Yes. If you wait, Sam's gonna fuck a dog and kill it. Yeah.

Go ahead. Not in that order either. Yeah. I. Go ahead. Not in that order either. Yeah. Yeah. I like it gold. Er. Oh yeah. Oh my God. Hey, you brought it up.

This is so different than America's got talent. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. If we were the judges, that'd be fun. Yeah, would be.

Who were the other judges? Kelly Clarkson. No. No. No. Yeah, what would be? Who were the other judges? Kelly Clarkson? No, no. No. Um, Heidi Klum. Heidi Klum. Model.

Vavavu. I wish she was that dead dog. If you know what I mean. I do know what you mean. Yeah. She's a fucking corpse. Sure. Selfie of a car.

Ooh, even better. How about those float? Wait, you're gonna like the... Simon Cal. Yo, what's good on Simon? Yeah, what do you got? You like Simon? I like. Give us the dirt. Why is he so critical? I think I'm more critical than him now. No, no, you don't want. I hate to break it to you. Not more critical. I think people say you've you're always very kind to the comics. And my one friend, it was my one, uh, doogie, doogie horn. Oh, I love it.

He's a Philly guy. We started with him. Yeah. Yeah. That was big for us. I think that people don't understand comedy and don't understand that, you know, if somebody's up there and I'm not taking anything away from the ability to sing or dance like yourself. But I know what you're really bringing to the table.

If you're singing somebody else's song, you go to fucking Ramata Inn and you can see somebody singing. But a comic is out there, writes the material, performs the material, sometimes they create a character for themselves. Like Josh Blue. Yeah. It's really hard. Josh, yeah, he's fine. Yeah. But he came up with all. He has CP, but it's not terrible. Paul's if you know what I mean. Wow. Carry on. A cunt anapenus? Yes. Let's go back. Yeah. You can bang himself, how he? He's never alone.

So, but the point being that I don't think people give it the gravitas and the worth of a comic, especially if you go on after somebody's been hanging upside down from the ceiling. It's a Chinese lady with plates. That's a tough follow. Is that who he follow? I think it's who he goes to. I don't know. She's good though. That let you know I'm talking about.

She's had a deal. She always catches the plates. I'm talking about her. Are you talking about her, Baji? I mean, pretty much. It's just a regular. A Baji, yeah. That's impressive as fuck.

Herbachi. Still, yeah. Every time I go, I'm like, what the fuck? Oh, the guy puts the shrimp. It's right in your tail. Throws in your mouth.obachi. Still, yeah. For sure. Every time I go, I'm like, what the fuck? Oh, the guy puts the shrimp. It's the shrimp tail. Throws it in your mouth. Right in your belly, dude. No, he gets it in his hat.

Isn't that what he does? Yeah. It's another one of the tricks, yeah. Yeah, he's always in his hat. Or he makes the volcano. Yeah, the onion volcano. The onion volcanoes. Awesome.

Wow. Yeah, it's real. We went to one of, I've talked about before, but we went to a bachi thing, the girl I was dating at the time and the guy was mad. The chef, he was just angry the whole time. Really? And was literally like, open your fucking mouth. He was like, open your mouth. He did the sake. It's like, yeah, and like, shot it right in my fucking mouth. Warm, socky, aggressive, warm in my fucking mouth. Whoa. Warm socky.

Aggressive warming. Open your mouth. Open your fucking mouth. Have you ever traveled down to China? How are you looking in the eyes? I've never done this before. What are you saying? I just feel like Habachi restaurants are enjoyed

by a population of the American community. Have you, in your black experience, have you noticed that Hibachi's very popular in the community? Yeah, every time I go there, I have a picture in my house where at many hunters, yeah. It's usually black families very dressed up and then me and my wife, and I'm afraid to speak.

So I wanna blow it for everybody. I'm not, I'm not at all being nasty. This is a true. No, it's just, it's not a truth. It's just a bullshit observation that doesn't apply. It's my lived experience. My lived experience would make it truth. You live in a fucking dream world.

I don't know. Oh, yeah, wake, wake me up, howdy. I like going to a Hibachi and I'm white. True, I, we, my family go to, we go to Hibachi and I've been there with my wife's family, too. We've all went. I every time I go, it, my family go to, we go to a botchie and I've been there with my wife's family, too. We've all went. Every time I go, it just seems like it's the production. It's like a Dave and Bussers.

Those things are packed with black stuff. What, are they? No. I'm at every time. Dave and Bussers? Dave and Bussers. No. I go in the Dave and Bussers, because they have experience.

They got the dealer and no deal machines. I've met all the time. I played those. I played. I played those. Yeah, I got one in my office I go up to people like right well. They're playing you know go just on there They're like so into it and they're figuring it out. They don't see me coming and I'll just put my chin on the shoulder to go Deal or no deal and Fuck off No deal and Get the fuck off me exactly And then you should whisper they'll never believe you That is awesome if you ever do that I swear I did that rich didn't I do that and didn't I get elbowed?

I did I got elbowed and get the fuck off of me I did and they were laughing so fucking hard I had the win knock that I'm gonna surprise You're gonna be so excited to see me This is gonna be crazy And should I go over and even turn and then I got at least I go oh fuck. I'm sorry I didn't know it was you and it didn't even get that I did I did so that I kind of hide I don't go out in public too much anymore I'm always you you get an attack.

What? You get an attack. In public, you get a attack. I do. You shouldn't have to go to David Buster's. How are you doing quite well? Didn't Buster's just fun. I love it.

I know. It's just a shit man. You know what's funny? It's how to play the games without touching anything. That's for me. I play a whole different game. You probably have like a sporting one. I got a sporting one.

Yeah. That's why that guy had lotion all over his hands. That's right. That was fucking. I'm with you on that. I might be done with fucking handshakes after that one. There's no reason the shake hands. I don't think anybody, even if you're not a germaphobe, I don't understand.

If I don't know you, even if I do know you and you're not somebody I like why do we need to touch it? It's a replace makes sense. The European greeting used to be a kiss on the lips and then the plague happened and people were spreading the bubanak plague through saliva. So they ended up shaking. Wait, everybody kissed on the lips. That was the traditional European greeting all over the body. Yes.

Hello. Hi Sam. Yeah. Hi. No, I'm a theory. You know what kissing came from no I think traditionally you'd hold mouth in your food and if you like wanted to talk to another person You'd flash a little food at them and then they would come and just eat you to food out of your mouth. That's birds Yeah, I think we were good. That's what why would we kiss? I think that's why we Yeah, we would sit in the wild with food you kiss to us and we we would go like that and then we'd feed them from our mouths Huh, who that's I it's my theory on kissing. That's a theory on kissing. Yeah, where else do they came from? Why would we kiss why would we kiss? Because you want to fuck because you're live before but there'd be no you could just in why in the wild no other animal kisses each other Yeah, they take nozzle no

animal kisses each other. Yeah, they did. They nozzle. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no I'd not that I know of. I think it was back in the day, you would have some food in your mouth. The reason you don't see him kissing says you're sneaking up on him and killing him. I would see them. I would see them. That's definitely where you would see them. No, you're behind. You don't see them kissing.

Yes, you're coming up behind. Dude, I'm telling you, I think as we used to sit there and his women would come up to you and he was giving a little bit of food. Can somebody Google where their kissing come from? Where does kissing come from? How is kissing invented?

Who was the first guy or girl or whoever that said, you know, let's I'm gonna suck your face There's Jimmy kisses Jimmy kisses used to work at the dock and you agreed all the Irish as they came off the boat with a smooch Welcome They say hi, you tricked me. I thought you had food in there They're like, oh, you tricked me. I thought you had food in there. Yeah. I thought there was food in there.

They already lost. And then they can script them and they they'll fight the world. They can put the day to go to Tennessee. What does he say? What does it say came from? Okay. And why?

Pussy bragging on Spireglyphs. Like uniformed. Yeah, he's drawing a bird. John. Why did they say Yeah, he's showing a bird. He's showing a full straight line. Why did they say why? That's just where? No, it's just because they were the first ones to write anything there.

Yeah, true. Kisses have been there. They probably wrote down like, I mean, I'm in a girl's battle. I would imagine kissing is pretty much instinctive. Yeah, so it was sexual. But it wasn't a feed. It was sexual. Well know, it's a shit. No, but it felt cool. My stomach felt good. My fucking I dripped in the shit off my fucking finger. Now, I'm all test.

He's teed up. So you just quit doing any more research after you read that. He's teed up. So you just quit doing anymore research after you read that Assinine, well you didn't get an answer. Yeah, you didn't get an answer. I would get stronger like you guys all the time Do you want to show him your talent the Ventriloquism act? Oh, I Don't time You're really good at it. I don't think I have. So humble about it. Are you talking about having Sean sit on my lap?

Is my dummy? Well, I was going to maybe allow that to happen in a comedic way, but yes. Yeah. Should I pretend I didn't hear that? We can do it in private. Yeah, we can do it in private. Private show.

We turn all the lights off. That's what it's called. No, it's for the broadcast just like after. Just after all of Sean sit on my lap. Completely nude. But you're able to read. But you're able to read. for the broadcast just like after just after all of Sean sit on my lap completely nude The old secret trick Yeah, you're able to reach up Sean's ass and manipulate his lips. Oh, little rat too. You can you can move his lips with your how do you move his lips? How do you get from this?

What's this? He's practicing kissing. What do you think of that? I mean, the theory still stands for that. Would you ever consider a GT? Oh yeah. I'm telling ya. He would eat 12 dozen hard boiled eggs. I would go eat eggs.

Is that your thing? You can eat it. I would eat a dozen eggs. I'd say, how do you clue him with T.C. this? It you can eat. I would eat a dozen eggs. I go. I'd say how do you clume with DC this? It's sucked down a bunch of fucking gas station eggs. And they would have people do that. They would have me escort it off. We've had people do that. We had a group come on. They were I can't remember who they were. You know who they are Jeremy that that guy came on and just pissed himself. What? Out rich. The guy who just pissed on the stage.

They got mad, but that's what he did. He just pissed himself. I mean, that's what he was. That's what he was. It's real. He's a comedian. You're going to Vegas. He was a comedian, and that's,

he had planned to do that. They didn't know. He said he was gonna do something else. And he just said, I'm nervous. Seriously. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. They were like, genius. You know what, if you're're if you look on tiktok to the people from the people from VCR party or something. I don't know. Oh, yeah Those guys is that the guys that do the home videos? They do they do they did they you know what they also did They booked themselves on winning shows. Yes. Yes, with fake things. Like you know what I'm saying? Yeah, they're so good. Yeah.

Yeah, those guys are good. No, not Chad and JT. Chad and JT do the things where they go to H.O.A. meetings and public meetings. These are guys that were really on real, like good morning Wisconsin. Yeah. And he was a-

They do feats of strength. Yes, yes. And I was there one where the guy was like, I have to take this phone call Have you ever seen that one he's seen before he got on and did one of these bullshit acts He told them he was like something's wrong with my my father. He's in the hospital Yeah, and I need to leave my phone on just in case something happens in the middle of the segment He picks up the phone. He's like oh God. Oh, no. Oh, no

Says this final words to his dad. So there was another show that I just love that fake stuff, but there was another guy. Do you have their names? You can't find him. I pissed himself on it. I mean, that's as funny as a guy. What did you guys say to him? I laughed. They were really, the production was not happy.

You call that piss. I'll show you piss. You have it up as. People thought it was a joke, like maybe he had something in his head. When I first started stand-up, I thought it was funny. This is in the 70s. I started, I had a like a squ had something in his head. You know when I first started stand up I thought it's funny this is in the 70s I started I had a like a squirk gun in my pants and I would just stand on stage and I thought it was funny and I would do it. I just hit the thing and my pants would get wet and it was funny and the little plugs. And I would never even say anything about it. I would never even say but it was funny to me and I'd be going get you notice like when you go shopping, the fourth wheel on the cart doesn't work.

And then I'd hear like mumbling the luck is everybody. Everybody's pissing. I'm not even saying. So you saw the America's got town guy and you were like, this is genius. This guy's actually doing it. But I did these things. My wife would always say like, who's the fucking joke on? You're not even saying, gotcha. It's, it's, it's, no.

People just think how he man they'll piss themselves. I did that. I did. It's so good. But I wasn't known and I wasn't on TV. And I just like, my whole act was a fucking joke when I started. You know that.

It was a dare. Oh, really? My act was a dare. Dare. Yeah. Wasn't it a love thing a dare? Well, I'll tell you what the glove thing was. And I just talked about this recently

so somebody dared me to get on stage in the mid 70s that was a before this boom that feels like it's happening again I went to a comedy club. I had never been to a comedy club and they said they're having open mics So somebody said to me you should go up and I said, oh, okay, I'll go. I'll do that Thinking that the joke would just be, somebody went ladies and gentlemen, how he man dealt. There's no reason for how he man dealt to be on stage and be introduced anywhere. They go, ladies and gentlemen, how he man dealt.

I walk out and there's a smattering of applause and then people sitting there, I've never been on a stage and you realize, I see the mic and now these people, they stop laughing and I realize, what the fuck? And I started getting terrified and I started going, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. All right, okay.

And I was trying to think of something and they started giggling at my nervousness and my fear and I would go, what, what, what? And that became like my act. And then I had nothing to do. And I put my hands in my pocket. And I had rubber gloves because I have OCD. And I was out in public.

And I didn't want to touch anything. And I knew I probably had to go to the restroom. So I always carried gloves. So I had the glove and I took it out. I went, okay, okay, okay. And I just pulled it over my head. And I started breathing. And the fingers are going up.

The audience is laughing. And then I blew it up and it popped off my head and the audience applauded. Sorry, good night. I knew enough to spend that. Leave him what? That's a dropped-a-mic moment and I went, good night. You ripped the glove bit.

Yeah, and then the owner of the club, Mark Brezzlin, he owns Yackex, you ever met Mark Brezzlin? He owns Yackex, he goes, you gotta come back tomorrow and I go and do what? He goes, do what you did. What the fuck did I do? Yeah. Well, close with the glove.

I went, oh, okay. Wow. And so my act became out of nothing. My whole career is nothing. Well, in a moment of fear. This podcast, nothing. Yeah. I mean, it doesn't matter.

I mean, it doesn't matter. You had done the glove before though, just now on stage. I just thought about the brain and the figure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I carry a blog, but not I wasn't comedian. It wasn't course. You were never. I was in sales. I was in, you know, I got thrown out of school at 17.

I was not. What did you kick down for? A bunch of stuff. It's the old cigarette trick. The sisters didn't love it. I, uh, the last thing was they ended up doing it in Caddy's shack, but I did it before the movie ever. I didn't want to go swimming. Shitting the pool.

I did the pool. I did the shit in the pool, but I did it. I didn't want to go swimming. I could show you. You can see, I did the shit in the pool, but I didn't wanna go swimming. I could show you, you can see, when the cat is here, come out, probably came out in 1980. If you look at Make Me Laugh in 1978, I'm on, and I talk about why I got thrown out of school.

I threw the chocolate bar in the pool when the kids hung around, they all showed up at the end of the day to look at the third and the bottom of the pool. And I just, without thinking, I dived in and came up with it in my mouth. And then they called me to the... Which I thought was funny,

but when you're like 15 or 16 years old, I was the most disgusting. Everybody hated me and thought I had each shit. Well, that's crazy. Because that's the fun, that's literally the funniest guy on earth. Yeah, but not snobby. Especially if it was shit.

And context. And then I did other things too. I moved to another school That's literally the funniest guy on earth. Yeah, but not necessarily if it was shit. Especially if it was shit. And then I did other things too. I moved to another school and then I thought it was funny and I didn't tell anybody because I didn't have any friends. But I hired a guy, I phoned the yellow pages to a contracting firm and I had the guy, I said we wanna add 25 feet onto the library

on the west side of the school. Could you measure and give me an estimate? And he said, okay, what's your name? And I said him Howard Mandel. And he was like, that's an adult's name. Yeah, that was always Howard. Yeah, everybody was mad at me. But I said, and you need to do it at 315,

we'll open it up because the kids are in class. That's when I need you to measure and do it. And I did that because I was in mass at that time and I looked out onto the field. And it was funny to me to watch this guy with a tape measure and he's writing down things and he's out on the field. And then I saw the vice principal

walk out in the field and talk to him. And I know like just in my own mind, he's going, what are you doing? And he's going, I'm going to give an estimate on the addition onto the library. It's 25. And he's going, who authorize this? And he's going, I mean, I give an estimate on the addition onto the library. Yeah. And he's going, who authorized this? And he goes, which made me laugh, Howard Mandel. You see the guy leaves. And then they go and over the, over the loudspeakers, and what Howard Mandel please come to the office. And I go to the office. And the principal goes, did you,

And the principal goes, did you, are you getting a, did you tell a guy to build a, an addition onto the library? And I go, no, he goes, he gave me your name. And I go, no, I'm getting three estimates. I'm a lot more. And he goes, could you please, like he's nervous.

He goes, could you please sit down and I sat down? And they called my parents and My parents came in and he's it was the bad I'm writing my lip He's explaining my parents, you know your son hired a company to put an addition on to the library As if my parents I've told a story so many times but my parents were supposed to say like we told them never to do that But they couldn't they started laughing. They're laughing But they could they started laughing. They're laughing. They're laughing. They're trying to laugh. Nice and get out. But I was always doing things like that. I always like.

Very percussive. The leader of discomfort is always my happy place. Yeah. I guess somebody's calling. It was like it was one thing when you ate the turd, howie, but this whole addition is too much. Really? At the least, school. No, I'm. No, it was one thing when you ate the turd, howie, but this whole addition is too much. Really?

No, I'm going to go to the principal. No, it was a lot of things. I would do a lot of things. I came in to class, we had a class on the second floor and I would come in 10 minutes early, I would go before and I'd unlock the window and then I'd go to the janitor's office and I'd get a ladder and Ten minutes the class is already in I'm not there. I would just climb in through the window and go sit down at my desk like nothing happened Damn it's pretty awesome. I got in trouble for I was not in close. I was like just a fart in class

That was as far as I got you were doing doing real good pranks. Classical. Not. They're good now. I'm almost 70 years old and I tell you these stories. And now they get laughs. At that time, I was a pariah. You were ahead of your time. I didn't even have the wherewithal to say, hey, you don't understand it. I'm ahead of my time.

You are going to, you're going to live in three decades from now. You are going to find this so fucking funny. You know, I was just, I was like five feet tall and... You had to feel vindicated when they did it in Caddy Shack though. No, I actually tried to sue. I, I, well because it's Canadian that wrote it, a guy who saw me talking about it at Yuck Yuck. I don't think he took it. I think he might have thought of the same thing,

but you can't, you can't in a movie or something like that. If he took like three or four different things in a row, but I asked questions, I'm just saying, if you look at, make me laugh, and you could look at the date on it sometime in 77, and then you look at, when the catty-shack come out. Yeah, so this is three years before I was talking about it on, wasn't written yet. Yeah, it could be. It's a, it's easy to say that,

you know, you throw a chocolate bar in a pool. Two people could have thought of it. I'm not a genius. No, that's, so I think it's gold. Duggery is what that is. That's reason. Yeah, it was to the queen gets wind of this. Yeah. You know, there's a comedy college outside of Toronto? Yeah, no, in Toronto. You know, they dedicated a wing to me there. A chicken wing?

Hold for the laugh. I'm waiting. Whatever. I'm coming. There you are. You just did an hour. You just did an hour. I love the signal.

Oh, there's a guy off camera. No, I know I got to go because he's got bullshit to do. He just need a big meatball sub. Yeah, no, he's got bullsh- he doesn't have time. He doesn't have time. This is crazy. I have time for you. How are we? We can hang out. Oh, now who's got bullshit? We can hang out. Oh, now who's got bullshit? That was bullshit time. I got to hang out with him. I got a fucking hang out with Sam. You get to.

It was his birthday yesterday. That's bullshit. No, no, no, no, are you serious? Yeah. Mm-hmm. Swear to me. I swear. So why wouldn't you just say that? Why didn't you use that because that is bullshit?

I'm an adult man being I could actually it's my birthday because it's 42nd birthday Yeah, that wasn't the reason actually You don't think that's a good enough. No, yes, they had to do that fucking I did do Rogan's podcast and kill Tony. He didn't do kill Tony. No, I drank so much on Rogan's podcast I got sick and had to go home. I can't. You can see the bursted blood vessel in my eye. What are you doing today?

Hello. Today. I am now after this, I'm done. So why don't you and Sam come over and do my podcast. Maybe. Do as well. It's as good as this. We still have one more podcast after this.

And then yeah. Don't wait. Yeah. Hang out. Oh wait, we're doing it. We're having a ceremony. We're having a ceremony for Papa for the next four hours. What? To four hour long. Do you need a grave digger? Cause I got a guy. We're not doing. We're not bearing what are you going to do? I'm going to do a mulsify. I don't even know what that is. Dog mayonnaise. What? You're gonna whip him up and do an emulsion out of oil.

Like with sardines and Caesar dressing. Never done that. Then you get it all over your hand, then you go to target, then you meet him. I know, and he looks it off your fingers. He's like, yeah, I'm jerking off the most pie dog. His dog died and he gave him his last little pet and he felt down and he was Shane Killers.

Could you tell tell you can, could you emulsify some like a anything, right? If you could fake it, you could flank Pro Team Plus Fat. You could jack off with remains. Have you ever eaten a balloon? Oh, yeah, for sure. Do you know what that is?

Balloon is the, what, the smoked liver? No. Oh, he was talking about the egg? Yeah. The thousand year old egg. Yeah. Oh my lord. No, I have not.

Oh, it was in Manila and they tried to get me to eat that, but it was a, how did you get in that envelope? The Manila envelope. Yeah. Two steps ahead. Anyway, talk about that. So, yeah, I'd rather hear about the egg. I want to hear about the egg. I want to hear about the egg.

Shut the fuck up. So they eat the duck is already, it's almost ready to hatch, but then it doesn't, and then you eat it. You just out like a shot. It's like a duck. And it's the yolk and the drink is in there. And then if you chew, you could feel the feathers and the bones. So you want to shake hands? Will you eat one of those?

Yeah. I'm just talking to you. I'm excited, howie. You try to figure me out. I can't. I'm loving it. I was so nervous. You're going to come in here.

It's been nothing but a joy. Yeah, you've seemed so nervous. You know, well, I opened the door and you thought I was security. I was like, hello, how are you, Mandel and company? I love that you've got the scenario going on in your head that nobody has. People are mistaking you for fucking security. Well, yeah, huge and I keep you safe.

That's good. That's nice. I love that he just thought I didn't even think. No. No, you want to know what I really thought? Wrong house. Oh, I thought I was one because it had the padlock on the outside like nobody lives here.

Then I see you and I went, oh, maybe it's next door. Maybe I got the address off by one. Only giant freaks live in this neighborhood. That makes sense. It's like you were the real estate maybe, a showing. I thought there was a show. Do you want to see the house? Making offer?

He showed me the house. He showed me the room you're staying in. I'm living out a show. You want to see the house, making offer? He showed me the house. Oh, he showed me the room you're staying in. I'm living out there. I was walking. I came home today and you were all bundled up by the whole reading on that couch. Yeah, you're on book. Not my own day. He's reading it again.

No, every page he goes, God damn you did again. I am good. I am good. I can feel this is exciting. I feel it in my perineum duct. That word, you know how this is like a song, it gets stuck in my head. Yeah. Perineal duct.

Perineal? Perineal. Perineal duct. Perineal. Perineal. Perineal, I hear that thing on TV. That's when your dick goes sideways. Perine, it's perineal.

Oh, perineal. Yeah, and then a prolonged boner is a perineal. Can you get those from spider bites? TV that's when your dick goes sideways. Proneys. Priapis. Oh, Proneys. Yeah. And then a prolonged boner is a Priapism. And you get those from spider bites. Not from Seattle. You can't. Yeah.

Seattle is a spider bite. It's more realistic. That's what Seattle is. That makes sense. Could be. Yeah. Really? So the fact that you give that out

is like people who don't want to pay for Viagra or the little blue pill. If they see a hot woman, you just stick your dick in a web. Yeah, you carry a hobo spider in a little pouch around your neck. You fuck a web. And then, true. I shoot a web. I got that one already. I heard last night I was on Instagram Reels and I saw a guy do some

crowd work that made me laugh very long. What do you say? He's just like, what do you do for living the guy that goes? I'm a web developer, he goes, what are you a spider? Plays, that's great. That's great. Anyway, I figured you guys were wanting that.

That's pretty funny. What are you spawning, spider? That's what I call crowd work. I'm starting to do crowd work in empty rooms. Nobody's doing that. You're out of control. Do you do crowd work? I don't really do. I did. Before anybody ever, you look at my HBO comedy special, you know, I was on the young comedian special, the sixth annual, you know, who's on my special with me? Bob Hope. No. Jerry Seinfeld. Oh wow. Richard Lover happened to him. I don't know.

Perry Anderson. It was with the Smothers Brothers. But then might they gave me an HBO special. My next HBO special half of it was me talking to the audience in 1983, 1984. Yeah. No, he was doing that. I was doing it because I didn't fucking act. That's why that writing material. It's just a good deal. What are you doing for a living? How long can you, well, I became Diana Ross' opening act and they hated me.

I would pull the rubber glove on my head. There's nothing like standing in front of a room of 3,000 people or 5,000 people pulling a rubber glove on your head, popping it off to silence. Oh my god. You get that damn glove off your head. Oh my god to silence. Oh my God. You get that damn glove off of me. Oh my God. Yeah, that would happen almost every night to him.

She liked me though. I tried to do crowd work in Estonia. I asked the woman, what do you do for work? And she went, no! Is that true? Yeah. It's hysterical. No!

Somebody should be posting bad crowd work like not work that doesn't work I would do but just I just my worst night if it ever happen I don't record myself and I don't have a recording when I'm writing but if it doesn't work I like that's my favorite moment. Joe list is posted. I think he posted bad. I said my worst crowd work ever so most of the crowd work posted is very embarrassing. It's so good. Well, I think people, there's a give for crowd work,

because the audience assumes that all comedy is written. So, as soon as they think it isn't written. But you're also at the mercy of them being really funny. If you hit a funny character who gives you an answer that's kind of easy, it's more about who you're talking to than who you are. It's not a real, I don't think it's a real amazing thing. Well, the dumbass is online, eat it up with a big ol' spoon.

More slop. It's fun. Well, it's funny, it doesn't suck. Well, because you want, I think it's okay. You don't suck. Well, because you want your, I think it's okay. You don't have to give away your material and the, yeah, they can come see your material fresh. You're not in right. What do you think it sucks? I just think that a lot of crowd work as someone who likes to riff and talk to the crowd.

You see a lot of people posting things where it's like, what's your name? Oh, Candace. Candace, where do you work? Candace, Dick fit in your mouth. The chocolate factor. There you go. There you go. Okay. That is killer. Yeah.

But I think it's funnier to see somebody in somebody a comic and trouble. If you're okay with it, I'm okay. You're wondering if they're funny. Deroza did that with Deroza. Deroza had now them where the first album was him being good. And then the second part of the album was the same set bombing. Yeah. Well, you know that I was there to watch every night. I watched Richard Pryor write and create live on Sunset Strip, which is probably one

of the most seminal movies ever. There wouldn't be a Chappelle or anybody without that. I think they all looked up to him, Eddie Murphy. He, I watched it bomb. and I watched him write all that stuff to that they loved him and I watched him bombing every night just to write just to write and I think we're losing that art and we're losing the joy and watching It's like watching a painter paint something and before it becomes something. It's also really cool Yeah, you know the making, the making of an act. And if you don't bomb, you're never gonna get anything great.

You're never, you can't just go up there with something slick. But I like those moments. I enjoy them. I enjoy those moments when shit happens. And then you can, you know, it's like crushing coal into a diamond. Oh yeah. Beautiful. Wow. I just got pretty heavy. Didn't I? Yeah, man, but it's good. I mean, you have years of comedy experience. This stuff is

incredibly brilliant. And you are so lucky. Generally, we are. We're pumped. We're pumped. We're pumped. We can't. Yeah, it is not the most conducive environment to being pumped. No, it's nice. We're pumped. I're pumped. We can't. Yeah, it is not the most conducive environment to being pumped. No, it's nice. We're pumped. I'm pumped. I'm fucking stoked out of my mind. Call me a re-buck. So I'm pumped. I get it. Thank you. That's right. Okay. Well, it's been he told you about 10 minutes ago. I know, but I know we're starting to flow a little. I'm the flow with this. I told you, I've liked the flow of this. I do, I know right now everything we're doing is cutting into the beginning. Yeah, this is like, oh, do you edit? Well, I think we might this time. The beginning was great.

And cut out all references of me not doing his podcast. We're not going to have more than a half hour. So then it's a 10, this is, this has been a past six minutes. This is playing in case you're doing that. I'll tell you something. No, nothing. No, even six minutes being here, you made it seem like two hours

and that's the beauty of what you three just get in fact. I can't even imagine. Time flies. It does, that was a blast, man. Not this. I'm just saying in general. In the air goes faster, tears get older. It can go faster than us. But this makes me appreciate time flying when you're having fun.

Yeah. You have any fun? Things like this makes you appreciate when you are having fun. Yeah. Yeah. And I'll tell you, this is more fun than my dog dying. Oh, yeah. I'm sorry. No, but listen. I got good news. I can cheer you up. You can emulsify him. I know you told me. I have a real question.

What was your favorite act on America's Got Talent? My favorite act ever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There are a group called V Unbeatable. And they are this group of Indian, they're from India. Nice. And there's all these kids. Seven, it's so fucking crazy.

They toss children. Three stories in the air on top of motorcycles. And they're like, it's so fucking dangerous. One of them, I think the V stands for, it's not for victories, for whatever the kid who broke his neck and I don't know that he's still living. Vickram?

God. That's a kind of yoga, isn't it? No, that's big rub. That's a human name. I don't know what it is. But if you saw, are you on the, you want to see it? You want to see a piece of it? Yeah.

Okay, let me give you, can you put V unbeatable, V unbeatable, their act on the YouTube? Hey, toss kids out the window, you said? It's the scariest, most amazing, and I've ever seen. And they're on, when does this air? Do you know when this airs? Tomorrow, probably. Oh, tomorrow? So starting on January 1st, there is something called,

A-G-T Fantasy League. And and what it was Mel B came back. It's me Mel B Heidi and Bring it show it to him. Yeah Throw it here and and we get the top 40 acts all our favorites And we get to we get to make a team So the Matthew I can see that you can you see it? That's I'm gonna let them do play by play for it Okay, oh, it's a lot of Indians up there. Yeah, it's a can you see it? That's I'm gonna let them do play by play for it. Okay. Oh, that's a lot of Indians up there. Yeah There's probably 36 or 40 people on stage from seven years old to 30 years old Maybe you can fast forward till they start doing something so you don't need the interviews

So there a bit of a brown man group Shit Are they working on a fine are they wearing your shoes? It? I don't know what they're doing. Oh look They land nice. Can you see how high they're tossing? Vickas was the guy's name. How do you know they're waiting on the back of the show? Oh, okay? You're reading damn that's ridiculous dude Damn dudes like bring it on oh Damn, that's ridiculous dude. Damn dude, it's like bringing on. Oh, it's more.

They would put fuck bringing on, dude. Oh, this is the scariest. I thought I was gonna watch death. So we have the top acts in the world, people who have won all over the world. They come on, we pick teams, it's like a fantasy team and me and the other judges are going against each other. Start your chance first.

And you got your judge first. I don't want to give anything away, but they'll be there. Yeah. Okay. They will be there. Seems like an easy first pick. I like that. I like this.

You would think. It's pretty crazy. But maybe I didn't get it first day. Maybe you did. Right. We have to trust. Yeah. Can you tell?

I don't know if this is one of their best ones, but the dancing could you some work, I'd say? Well, you know dancing. Most people watch you. I'd be really saying you're getting, I got it. It's good. No, I know, I know. I know. I feel bad about being funny.

Don't homologize. I didn't want the V-man group to. The V-man group to. V-man group to. Yes. Well, look at that. I don't know how he got up there. That guy's like seven, seven years old. These are movies. Yes. Well, I don't know how he got up there. That guy's like seven

years, seven years old. These are little kids. You're not supposed to throw children. I will say, though, this is, I don't want to trash the show. But this is like, when you see like, when you go to circus and you're like, how they get them to do that? It's like, somebody was hitting these kids with sticks. Yeah. Well, these kids, to be honest with you, if you know about these kids, they live in, some of them don't have families, they don't have food, they live in the streets. They get paid in place. This is all they have.

Well, I know, but it's a little mistakes. That's fun. It's a little bit more. It's a little bit more. It's a little bit more. They're getting hit themselves. They're getting hit themselves. They're getting hit themselves.

They're getting hit themselves. They're getting hit themselves. They're getting hit themselves. They're getting hit themselves. They're getting hit themselves. They're getting hit themselves. They're getting hit themselves. They're getting hit themselves. They're getting hit themselves. They're getting hit themselves. It really does how much you guys give him how much money they get I don't know what well if they win they get a million That's not bad. That's a bar. There's 36 of them. That's dude. Then they would all be Slumdog millionaire

And I don't mean that racist Talking like that you're not gonna get on sat in the live you know that You ruin all your chances. I'm fucked. How would you how would you like pay them if they won't you have to like pay them each and like an individual Satchel of like little tiny jewels I don't pay them all out of Simon's you don't have to pay me just go five stars That would be a World they're making a living they got a rule no, I mean what they did was absolutely incredible And so you understand so you see that and you go that's amazing it really is amazing

Yeah, but the hard thing is and the shitty part of it is and now Don't do the horn is great. I don't know if I want to go on after that and that's hard and the audience just watched what do you wait? I said a guest judge. Yeah, yeah, because his wife was on there. Okay. Yeah, he was a guest. Yeah, that's gonna be a tough what his wife That's gonna be a tough follow no Really yeah, yeah, yeah, that's gonna be real tough follow those kids doing those flips And you got fucking stand up. Yeah, yeah, no matter how you are, you know Yeah, that'd be tough and that's the problem with being a stand up But you know, I always tell stand-ups they should do the show and I'll tell you why do the show

Don't give a fuck and get that exposure You know every one of these videos gets a hundred million even if you sink into the toilet the problem that comics Do the show, don't give a fuck, and get that exposure. You know, every one of these videos gets a hundred million, even if you sink into the toilet, the problem that comics have is they worry about us for sitting at the desk. It doesn't matter. I'll probably, I'll never say anything bad unless somebody just totally sucks to a comic, but I'll never say anything bad. Don't worry about us. We're about the millions and tens of millions that watch it on TV and on YouTube.

And if you do your thing, it's not about winning. Where are you going to get this kind of exposure with all these cameras on you, with this kind of platform? If you want to get exposure, there's no reason not to do the show. It's either this or like a bus attack. Right. Right. Kind of an active territory. Well, like a bus attack. Right. Right. Right. An active terror. Right. Well, that's a closer. Right. But I'm talking about an entire set. True. So I would say to any comic watching this and anybody do the show. Can I come on there?

Yes. You do well. I probably do well. Yeah. You should do it. Okay. No reason not to do it. The only thing is, the chances of winning for anybody, even them, are hard and tough. The chances of getting exposure and finding an audience is guaranteed. So if you do what you wanna do and you deliver, what you wanna deliver, you are going to be in a better place, 100% guaranteed.

Your ticket sales are gonna go up, you're, you know, a better place, 100% guaranteed. Your ticket sales are going to go up. Unless you show, here's the other problem. The other problem is, I always tell the comedians, if I have a chance to talk to them before, but you're going to listen to it now, come out with who you are, with who you want to project. So let your comedy persona be there, even when they're asking you questions. Don't come out there and go, this really means something to me. And this is my last chance.

Are we ready? Hey, how is everybody tonight? You know what I mean? Then all of a sudden you've lost any authenticity for your comedy, you've lost. Nobody's laughing at you because you're putting on an act. So if you have a point of view and things you want to do, if you're sarcastic or punny, I would say I'm sarcastic. No, it is. It is. It is. It is. It is. It is.

Sarcasm. No, but I mean, those, you see through this, my T-shirt, but that's the way you have to answer all the questions when you come out. You've got to be like, assume that for the moment they say your name and you walk out, that's your act. That's your act. And your act has to be on. Don't, don't show them another side. Well, kind of questions they ask you, like personal questions are like, if you have a great story, you know, you could be set up for a great story. You could tell them that it's a TV show. You could tell them, ask me about my wife, you know, do you have a funny story about your wife?

You know, you're married to a doctor. That'd be funny. You know? You'd be like, ask me about my wife. Great tips. No, yeah. She can't sleep on her back. She'll be like, I don't know that that would play.

Oh, true. I mean, it would play. That would be just, and figure out things that they're not gonna edit. Right. They edit, they're gonna edit But and they'll edit and then you have to go over what you're going to do and they'll edit you before that But I think that you can wisely I think if you in your mindset, I'm gonna play to the to you and not to who's ever sitting here play to Mastacheo Simpletons. That's what I'm an idea

Because he's pointing at you. I love that he breaks the joke. He breaks his, he's gonna be funny. You go simpletons and he goes, why would you say that? I know. And you go and then just get in. Just get in. I love when the just kid comes right on the, you know, he's not on screen talent. Yeah, he's can't sleep my wife can't sleep on our stomach just kidding Is that true? I'm just Josh and that's a funny comic Who just says after everything? Just kidding. You ever notice I'm taking serious ladies to joke

We screwing around up here True. True dad. Absolutely. Hell yeah. AGT. Is that a stuffed animal? Are you holding a stuffed animal? What is that? It's Papa. Just kidding.

Just kidding, it's a pillow. I'm just kidding, it's a fucking pillow. But no, I really appreciate you come by. This was fun. Well, I'm really, really, and I'm not asking you. Just kidding. Just kidding. I am so blown away by what you do.

All kidding. All kidding aside, I'm talking to him. Oh, I don't know what you do, but I hear you're a great writer. He's a really good user. And you a dancer. Man, so I watch this, but you guys are all really funny. And I think what you're doing, and I said this to Tony.

I did, Tony came by. Yeah. I said this to Tony. I think this whole. Tony Shaloube, yeah, from Monk. From my love that show. I have OCD. He had OCD.

I felt like I was watching me. I said, the movement here and the thing that people are doing for comedy. This is not since I said this to Tony, I said that, you know, there was a in mid 70s when I started, there was a move from New York to LA. Everybody came to LA and they had to go to the comedy store, the improv and that's when the tonight show came out and that was the thing. That was what everybody was striving for and that's where all the sitcoms and that's where everybody who was anybody was in Hollywood. And I feel like now everybody there and I feel like corporate America has kind of hurt comedy,

the art form of comedy. I don't think political correctness has even a little space in comedy. It has not, it can't exist. You can't do the art with any political correctness. You should be allowed to be just kidding. And, and, and I think this move that Joe has kind of led out here, out here, and the mothership and everybody. And I think the proofs in the pudding, I'm not below and smoke up your ass, there is no smoke. It's not a real fire. But, but the proof in the pudding, I'm not below and smoke up your ass, there is no smoke, it's not a real fire. But the proof in the pudding is,

you guys are playing to numbers like traditional comedy doesn't play. Yeah. And if you look at the numbers on podcasts and you look at the numbers in arenas and you look at like even a podcast like Killtoni is playing two sold out of readers on New Year's. You know, and the numbers that you're playing

and you're blowing up. And I would imagine all kidding aside, at the moment when the your Saturday night live thing happened, you thought, oh fuck. And now, you know, it's probably the best thing that ever happened. I can openize you. I don't know that you saw it in a moment.

I had an idea. You did? Right away? I was never really, I never thought it would be big, like as big as comedy's gotten, I think. But I knew it. I knew I wasn't gonna, I was gonna just keep doing standup. Right, but there was no reason for.

No, I never was like, Oh, I'll do it for us. No, no, no, no, no, but what I'm saying is, even to get, I don't know what the word is, but maybe semi-canceled from there. Yeah. You know, if the word is canceled,

for jokes and comments that were not even made, not for you, especially not in the moment, pulling things from way in the past, that's so bizarre to me. Yeah, yeah. It's so, when I came to comedy, I thought it made sense. Okay.

But when I came to comedy in the 70s and watched people like Richard Pryor, the comedy club was the safe place. There is no line. There was absolutely nothing. I said the same thing. I feel like I'm repeating myself on this as I said, to Tony's, but thank you for even spending this time with me.

You guys are amazing. And it's so inspiring to see the young kids kind of taking this is what I loved about comedy I you know, I feel like it doesn't exist and I think you guys are breathing breathing fresh air into my favorite thing in the world And it's not only doing comedy, but it's watching comedy and watching it done right and watching it done raw and watching it done Dangerously and just watching it and you are it's it's kind of a dichotomy between you guys are on fire. Not your fireplace, but you guys are. Yeah. Thank you very much. My place. Awesome.

I've got a big news for you. I have a special coming out on December 26th on their YouTube page. Yeah. We'll put it out. Oh, that's important. We should, we should, we'll put that in the beginning. So if you ever get a minute, come over and do my podcast with him and we'll promote his. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Okay. It's really an honor, howie. I know what you're doing. You're very funny. You really are. And you are also an amazing dad. Thank you. All right.