Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 485 - Twenty Second Blast (feat. Simon Rex)

Episode Date: March 13, 2024

Support the D.A.W.G.Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod Go See Matt Live @ mattmccusker.com/dates Go See Shane Live @ shanemgillis.com Go See Dan Live @ https://www.dansoder.com/ Get Merch @ mssecretpodcast.com/merch HELLO. We've returned to deliver the weekly episode of the podcast. This week the D.A.W.G.Z. are joined by the broski Simon Rex. Simon can fart for so long. One time he farted for like 20 seconds straight. One fart. Pretty sick. Please enjoy. God Bless.  Visit https://www.fast-growing-trees.com and use code DRENCHED for an additional 15% off your first purchase. Offer is valid for a limited time. Terms & Conditions may apply. Visit www.babbel.com/drenched for 55% off your babbel subscription!

Howdy y'all. We're here with the bro. I'm the bro now. I feel like I've stayed on your couch long enough to be the bro. Yeah. Wait till you hear. You're gonna come in hot?

Dude, of course. You're gonna come in hot? This is why you're here, brother. What is it? You wanna give a little backstory first about how we fart? We discussed it on the pod. I heard about that.

Phil Madden on your... I could fart really long. And it's been a superpower amongst me and my friends. It's been a joke forever. And I had a 17 second fart that I've had record on my iPhone for about 10 years that I've shared with my friends. And I just beat my record and I sent it to him. He didn't respond.

I didn't open it. He didn't open it for a couple of times. I'm like, there's no way he didn't listen. Cause we were kind of bonding on farts here on the couch. Yeah, of course. And there we go. Perfect timing. And I think farts are funny because even the person doing it doesn't know what it's going to sound like. It's always a pleasure. That's true. And if they don't stink, it's a win win. And mine don't stink for some reason. Then they're very

long. So I bet my match you might be the chosen one. You're the last airbenders. Yeah. Yeah. This is textbook airbending. What did your record come out to be? You said 20-something seconds? It's about 20 seconds.

We could have some more time on the internet. This is timed. This is on time. In the middle of this fart, it becomes a Geiger counter for radiation. Wait till you fucking hear this thing dude. Hey dude real quick. Um.

Um. Um. It's nowhere. Um. Um. Um. Oh my God. All right. That's my time. I should just where I go from there. You don't have to put that on. No, I love it. But how do I follow?

I got to just call. No, you're going to call Guinness. You got to get a hold of this book. A world record. No, there's actually I remember on Howard Stern, there was the dude who'd put that guy could do it for like a minute Yeah, that's it anyway. It's a That's great. It sounds like when like aliens crackle through like NASA Tapping into some alien yeah, you've been able to do that forever. Yeah, I don't. Yeah. Yeah. Damn, that's awesome. It is pretty awesome.

I mean, that's like a high. If you were like a high school stunner stash and you rip that, I mean, that's the apocalypse. And remember in high school, those plastic seats, you get the angle and just rip off them. But yeah, I'm proud and slashing embarrassed. It's it's I own it. It's it's a gift. It's a gift. It's a gift.

I recently got a colonoscopy because all my friends are like, dude, you got serious problems. Like you should go. So I'm, a year ago at 48, I went to get my colonoscopy. I'm like, dude, it's gonna be bad. You know, to put the camera up your ass

or whatever, whatever they do. And I was fine. It's just, no cancerous polyps. Nothing like that. It was just I rip That's just made yourself. That's haters when you fart real good haters will be you got a fucked up ass disease I hate when people hate on a fart. It sounded wet. You shit your pants. I don't put that on me. Yeah, man I just farted well fart. Yeah, there's jealous. They didn't everybody's jealous. They can't fart like that Yeah, and people that don't laugh at farts It's like fuck you. You know you can't laugh at that. It's just Simon

We've covered this probably every other episode all the last seven years, but you're exactly right people not laughing at farts is The pedophiles those are pedophiles the only time you don't laugh at a far as you're thinking about trapping a kid Yeah, like wait. What was that? Did you get interrupted from? So we just moved furniture. Yeah, it's not American. I mean. Yeah. So.

You're a stern nun. Stern nun, I could see her not being stoked on a hard fart, but like a dude being like, excuse me. I know. What the heck? And then of course, when you're in a relationship, the fart bear, you're like, you hold them in for the honeymoon phase.

Then eventually like when it comes out, that's like a glorious time when it's kind of like, and then the girl's relationship, the fart bear, you hold them in for the honeymoon phase, then eventually when it comes out, that's a glorious time when it's kinda like, and then the girl's looking at you. Yeah, you showed me that, you put together a compilation. Oh my God, that's. You put together a major compilation. Here's one comp. Dude, dude, dude.

He is a fart comp. Dude, dude. Dude. Dude. That, what a trooper she was too, yeah. Yeah, that's kind of a good, is it litmus test? Is that the word? Yeah. Of like, okay, can they hang or not? Because that's fun, yeah. Yeah, that's kind of a good, is it litmus test? Is that the word? Yeah.

Of like, okay, can they hang or not? Or, you know, because that's fun. Once you could do that. Yeah, but I'll tell you what, I'd become a stern nun myself if the girl fucks. No, oh dude, dude. I become a bit of a stern nun. So, dude.

So is that sexist? I don't know, because my ex-girlfriend got really comfortable and she ripped one once. I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no. This is different. Never again. This is big-gaining, dude. Yeah, never again. That's for the boys. Stink, dude. Because my ex-girlfriend got really comfortable and she ripped one once I was like no no no no different That's for the boys stink dude For the boys yeah, there's are so bad. I get furious if I smell my wife's fart. I'm mad

I'm like what the fuck are you yes, I for it last night I actually got up and farted in the bathroom because they were I had like hot terrible ones, so I did her the soft parts I might I might have she always, you go to your ass. Dragon's breath. Yeah. But yeah, you gotta, girls shouldn't fart ever. Unless they're with amongst each other. I think women should only fart in women company

and guys should just carte blanche. Yeah. Yes. All day, every day. Guys should fart at the most inopportune times. It's not sexy when girls do it. It's not sexy No, let's be real guy does it it is sex so sexy. Let's let's lay. Let's be honest They should have a good they should have one of those cologne commercials the guys just like going through a meadow By the way, I saw dune too. It's just a fucking cologne. Oh stop. I loved it. I loved it

But it was three hours fucking clone commercial the fucking black. I loved it. I loved it. But it's a three hour fucking clone commercial. The fucking black and white gladiator scene. It was awesome but it was just a clone commercial. When he was walking in the tunnel with the girl after I was like oh man I've loved this movie for five hours. This is a fucking clone commercial. It is. It's chalamet like. Yeah the black and white parts, the gladiator arena. Yeah. Yeah it starts in there. Yeah that movie was so fucking sick. Movie was sick.

That is funny though, that absolutely was shot. It was a cologne commercial. I was trying to put my finger on it and I was like, damn that was crazy, like what was that? How did they do that? It looked nuts, but it definitely was a cologne commercial. Yeah they did a cologne commercial. Guy without eyebrows, hot, walking around.

That was Elvis. Yeah, Elvis was nice in that. Yeah, Elvis was very good at that, very evil. He was a little evil man. He was. Dude, it was, I watched that on, I think Saturday, all day in my head, I was just like, yeah, I'm Dune. You are Dune.

I am Dune. Cause I can't remember one character's name. I am Dune. I kept trying to be like, I'm the Abgegall. Paul is the only name, dude. I am Dune. Because I can't remember one character's name. I am Dune. I kept trying to think, I'm the F. Paul is the only name, dude. Paul. You know Dune's an acronym. Desert Underground Necrophiliac Entertainment Society.

We've been on an acronym thing lately. You just drop the S. What I like about Simon is when you hang out with Simon, he's done stuff. You're geese. 48's crazy. 49. Oh, I'm 49. You're 49.

I have the body of a 48 year old. You look great. I feel great. You look fantastic. I feel fantastic. Thank you. No wife, no kids, maybe. Yeah, true.

But just the things you've done. I lived a wild life. I think I just did the right drugs. Like I didn't do the, I was into stoner. I was never into like blow and all the things that'll make a lot of alcohol. I was more into like popping a Xanier and smoking weed. So I think it just slowed me down instead of like.

Yeah. I think, I think. Or it's just genetics. I don't know, but thank you. I'll take that as a compliment. The music career, like all that stuff. Dirty nasty, when I toured as Dirt Nasty, because I basically lived your guys' life.

Like I did, Matt, if you know, I did a music comedy character for years called Dirt Nasty, fitting for the opening fart. And I lived on the road touring and, you know, driving from fucking Chicago to Detroit overnight, show, show, and then it became to the point, I was doing it in my 30s and I was like, fuck this is something for a guy in his 20s,

I'm too old for this. At 30 I was thinking that and I did it for about 10 years. And it got to the point where, you know, you do drink on the road and you'd look at the tour schedule. It's like, okay, I'm in Detroit Thursday, Chicago Friday. I won't drink on, I'll drink in Chicago. You gotta like figure it out because there's no way you could hit it every night.

And then one time I did a show and I filled my Jack Daniels bottle with apple juice and I'm pounding it on stage pretending to be drunk because I couldn't drink every night and a fan grabbed the bottle and pounded it and just looked at me like, you fraud. Like the moment he just, my hero is a fucking fraud because he knew it was apple juice.

So I had to fake it sometimes. And then I realized fake drunk was even better because I was fully in control but acting drunk because the persona was like, hey, I'm fucked up. Yeah. Damn, that's pretty impressive though. Fake drunk that hard for all those people was pretty, it was fun.

I'm sure it's freeing. Yeah, yeah. And then you go to bed and you're fine. It's like when people drink N.A. beers and they're like, I actually feel a little they feel like I feel like I'm having fun. That's like a placebo kind of situation. And there is a little bit alcohol, just like my stepdad was an alcoholic growing up and he would drink a 12 pack of beer beers in the 80s.

And he's like, I'm buzzed. Yeah. He'd be like, I'm buzzed. That's pretty. You put the governor on him, though. You just put a governor on. My God, you guys, you know, 12 and a like I'm buddy. That's pretty nice. You put the governor on him though. You just put a governor on It's an a beer belly Yeah, yes, that's fucking sick, dude. Yeah, so I relate to you comics and I'm such a comic fan I just like I'm a comedy nerd and I so I understand the road and like you came home last night from Chicago three nights In a row you just had SML just like you came home and slept 10 hours.

I'm like, I get it. That road will fuck you up. I meant to ask you that. You're fully settled down now. Your nervous system was like. I mean Chicago was very nice compared to the last two weeks. Yeah. That was, also I didn't get to say it before publicly.

Thank you dude. When you were at SNL, that helped me a lot. That was a blast. You were such a nice, you were my rock dude. You were my anchor. Oh you were at SNL? That helped me a lot. That was a blast. You were such a nice, you were my rock dude. You were my anchor. Oh you went with them? Cool. And everybody else is sitting there like,

this is what you need to do. This is it, you gotta do this, you gotta do this. Like, don't read the cards, read the, like do this. And Matt was just like, this is crazy how good you are. That's awesome. Thanks dude. I'm serious, I was impressed.

Who's the one person that was like, this is crazy. Well it's funny too, because I was like, do you remember any of that? good. Thanks, dude. I'm serious. I was the one person that was like This is crazy. Well, it's funny to you. I was like, do you remember any of that? You're like, no There's like seven people came in like look to the camera look left read this line We're gonna scratch that word. Remember we took that word out and I was like, do you remember that? I was just standing on of it Yeah, all right. That was crazy though. Yeah, that was crazy just from like a psychological point of view It's like you're about to go on then just to have you rushed with 50 fucking people giving you like minor tiny critiques.

It's like, dude, that's not, that's to put someone in a good headspace. I don't remember one thing of that. Yeah. I was nervous like walking into the building. I was like, oh, Jesus. Yeah, in the building is scary. I was so intimidating.

I got to go recently to see Pete when he hosted it recently and it was magical just to be backstage and see how it all works. And like, it was pretty cool. It is cool when you walk in. It was funny, dude, when I went in, I had a so I called called Becky. And I was like, hey, how do I get in here? She gave me like she's like directing me. So I'm like walking around getting like puppeted by her directions. And I go to this office and I'm like, I'm here now to go to the dressing room.

And they're like, what? I was like, uh, uh, I don't know how this works. So I get down there. They're like, oh, well, I guess they'll send somebody up for you. And I'm like, okay, cool. So like, okay, I'll just wait here. Then like, you know, they looked at me like wherever the fuck you want to. We don't care.

I was like, right on. So then I just sat, I just stood there like this, like I've probably holding like a bag or something. People with clipboards would come up and I'd be like, they would look at me like, dude, and just keep walking by. There's my ride. Just be like, I did it the entire time. I was the guy on the show and I was going around like, I don't know where to go.

Where do I go help? It was so fucking funny. Just watching people walk by the clipboard. I smile. Just kind of like, oh, you're here for me. Obviously, they look at me kind of like, the fuck is this walk away? Yeah. I sat there for like 15 minutes just going like.

Yeah, but you were extremely helpful. Every single other person was giving me fucking insane notes. You were just like, you're good. It's gonna be awesome. Yeah, I was like, oh yeah, thanks. It was awesome. I watched these two stoners didn't hate nice set

They hated everything about me On the balcony I'd look out that I'm they're both gone We were smiling Next to quest love he smelled so good I was scared. You got too high. You got afraid of the lights. And we sat next to Questlove. He smelled so good. It was crazy. Questlove smelled good? We were overstimulated.

You guys were next to him? I think my theory was right there. He did not laugh very much. No, he liked you. He laughed? Oh, I take it back, Questlove. Questlaugh. He smelled like a Candlestore.

Questnotlaugh. Questhate. I looked up and I saw him there in my monologue not laughing. I was like, God damn it. Questlove. Come on, Quest. Quest hate I looked up a song I saw there my monologue not laughing Come on quest quest laugh one he laughs at the end I was like sick. Yes donors are too worried I saw the machinery they're talking about I was like yeah, that's a scary room to be in if you're high It was a fucking insane room. It was funny at the dress where he didn't have your dad. You're like, that's my dad Yeah, it's just a random guy. Oh, yeah Dude, I got I got really stoned one time and went into a police station

Till like I was getting when my wife was working for the affiliate PD She's like I got to clean out all my stuff and I was like right on I just like forgot we had to do that So I ate a weed edible and I went into the precinct and I was like there's just so many guys with guns and everyone Was so serious You really should get out of here. The vibes are harsh. The vibe is crazy. Yeah, the vibe is the most harsh vibe. Philly PD dude's like pointing guns at people all day. Yeah, dude, and getting shot at. But then they just go sit down and they're just like in a room with guns with just, it's the, and a lot of them are like nice dudes, but they don't even know.

They're stewing in the harshest vibe. It's the harshest vibe. It's crazy. It's like it's the and a lot of more like nice dudes, but they don't even know they're stewing in the harshest vibe It's the harshest. It's crazy. It's like imagine school principal is like the Requirement for base level of the vibe. Yeah, I briefly stood in the harshest vibe When I was doing child fucking crime investigation So after I got back from I lived in Spain for a little, taught English over there, and I made the others just me being cultured. And I got home and I didn't have a job forever. I thought I could just get a job.

I thought getting a job was easy. And then my sister got me a job at Department of Human Services in Pennsylvania. She worked for like the welfare office and PA. So I got the job as like a contractor to investigate child crimes at child facilities. You know what I mean? So if a guard had to restrain a kid,

I would go watch the tapes and be like, all right, that was a good restraint. But it was just, you go to the office every day, you sit in the weirdest, an office. Terrible lighting, just you and like ladies. Whoa. And then you leave every day to go like drive two hours to go to where a kid killed himself. And then talk to everybody there that it's all like child rapists. Jesus, they're all kids that got raped

that became rapists. Jesus in a facility living together. So all they're doing is fucking, it's chaos. Did you ever walk to one of the scenes with like headphones and classical music playing? Classic. What happened here was a guy who has the equivalency of a mall security Goldberg spirit kid. I need to watch the tape.

Just going backwards a little bit,, where the term cop comes from. Here we go. I know where it actually comes from. The copper copper bag. Copper bag. Nice. They just had plain clothes back in the olden. Did they really? They didn't have outfits. So that's how you could tell a cop was the copper bag. Damn, they're all plain clothes. Yeah, copper. Yeah, that's that's crazy.

You know why they're called five. Oh. Because they had Mustang five point ohs for a while in the CHP would have the five point. Oh, and that's the one that will get you the high speed chase was the five point. Oh, so there are five. Oh, that was like a West Coast one. I think because California had Mustang five point.

Oh, cops. And you know, you don't want to. That's crazy. Yeah. They went dodge. They went cops went hard dodge. They were big dodge heads right now. Well, yeah. Yeah, they were Ford Crown Vicks for a while. Yeah. And now they're they're big like Dodge Challenger. So you're a challenge.

First challenge. Now, the challenge of first challenge. The fighting fire is it is. They're just all driving challenges. Just on different sides of the same coin, really? Yeah. When you think about it, they are just like cops are a lot of cops or Jeep heads to Jeep culture. Cop cultures pretty synonymous cop cultures.

It's great. You can I can now from knowing a lot of cops, I can tell an undercover or not undercover and off duty police officer. They drive one of like four cars. It's like a murdered out pickup truck with Sean your father Murdered out pickup truck and then it's just like any any car you see we're like who the fuck spent that much money at pet boys It's just an off-duty police officer The fucking yeah the Punisher's shield on there the yeah punishers call

Call you already know. I'm pretty much an Iraqi war veteran. And you could tell. I'm a cop in mechanics bird. And you could tell undercover by their haircut and their shoes, usually. I've heard that too. They got the clean cut, you know,

whenever I go get a haircut, I always say don't give me the cop lines because I don't want to look like a cop, no offense cops. For sure. It is a hard, you don't want to be called a narc at like a festival. Also, it is like you'll get like dudes at festivals. There's like a 47 year old white guy being like, yo, where could I

score some ketamine? Yeah. That was me. Actually, I was. You don't you look you don't look like an undercover cop. You don't think so. I pull it off. Yeah. Thank you. I'd like to play. That'd be fun to play a cop in a movie or something. I think I could play a cop,

but I don't have the essence of a cop. You know what I mean? You know what you're saying, you have the essence of a football coach. I don't think I have cop energy. Yeah. It's a different vibe. And there's nothing scarier than a dirty cop

because they're above the law beyond like a dirty cop. Yeah. Scary. Who do you, you know what I'm saying? Like a dirty cop fucks with you. Or like one of my boys, he's been in and out of prison forever, and he was fucking a cop's wife and stole the cop's badge. And he was, like, showing it off to me.

I'm like, dude, you are asking for a big problem. You're going to jail forever. I'll kill you. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. You don't do, you just don't do that. Yeah, man. Don't do that. Fuck somebody else's wife.

Yeah, he's my boy. He was probably awesome. He is awesome. And he's, yeah, I'd go visit him in prison, and it was always so gnarly. Don't do that. Fuck somebody else's wife. Sounds like a cool boy though. Yeah, he's my boy. He was probably awesome. He is awesome. And he's, yeah, I'd go visit him in prison and it was always so gnarly. I'd visit him. He was in a prison called Wayside,

which is near Magic Mountain in California. It's like this gnarly prison. And he would come out, I was like, out of the movies, and you talk to him through the thing, and like he's just surrounded by killers. And he just had the craziest prison stories. I'd always ask him like, dude, just tell me, you know, the shit that happened.

I guess it's very race related in California. I think Texas is the same, like you gotta stick with the whites, but he's Jewish, but he is white enough that they wanted him on the white side, but he had a Star of David tattoo on his back, and they covered it because they're like, you gotta roll with us, but you can't have that Star of David.

So they covered it, so he was a soldier for the white boys. As a Jewish guy. That's pretty cool. Yeah, I guess you don't think about what do the Jews do? Others. Yeah, there are no others. It's others, yeah. Asian Pacific Islander Jews.

Jews, yeah. But yeah, you'd have to just go white. Because there are, yeah, there's a lot of wild ass Jew boys, dude. Yeah, like I'm half Jew so I'm like a white. Loco fucking Jew boys. You know, I'm telling you, a lot of Jews, like people don't think about it,

but yeah, the underworld is chock-full Like with drug dealing and stuff a lot of like Jewish dudes. Yeah walking out pretty hard. Yeah, they were like the og mafias Yeah, you know what's his name? Who's the guy rigged the World Series? Skip Bayless yeah Skip's not having a good time. Oh you guys got it you guys gotta know this like Skips not having a good time. You guys gotta know this. Lucky Luciano and him. Bugsy Siegel?

Not Bugsy Siegel. I know you're talking about the OG Jewish mobster. He was a beast. Netanyahu? Yes. There it is. There you go. Yeah.

That's pretty tight. Shoeless Joe Jackson? Damn dude. Yeah, that's pretty tight. So your boy Jackson. Damn dude, yeah that's pretty tight. So your boy was in, he was engulfed in West Coast prison politics? Yeah, yeah he was in and out for years. He's been out for a while now, but it was just like,

I remember I'd go to trial with his family. I'd be sitting there with his dad waiting to see how long. He was doing counterfeit money and he was so good at counterfeit money that the feds interviewed him in an interrogation room and they're like, we know you're working for some bigger operation, like who are you working for? He's like, no, I do this myself.

And they're like, no, you don't, how do you do it? And he showed him how he does it with like literally Kinko's paper and Aquanet and he makes the best bills. And but he got greedy and he would do hundreds instead of doing twenties. So everywhere he goes, they'll hold up the hundred and look and like, why don't you just make 20s, man?

What are you gonna get in greedy? And I'd let him stay at my house. And sometimes I'd come home and I'd see a silhouette on my window of like these, he'd dry them on the window. So I'd see like these hundreds like that he pulled off and I'd call him, I'd be like, hey dude, were you at my house like making counterfeit money? He's like, nah, man, I'd never do that.

I'm like, dude, I'm looking at the hundreds on my window right now. Do me a favor, don't do that and really don't do that at my house. Damn. And yeah, so that's a serious crime. And then he said the feds, when he proved that he made them himself,

he said they stood up and applauded as a joke, like you're the best. Damn. They'll catch me if you can, actually. That'd be so hard not to do if you knew you could just make money. They caught him. I heard the Secret Service investigates that actually. That'd be so hard not to do if you knew you could just make money. They caught him. I heard the Secret Service investigates that too.

I could be wrong. I heard the town of it was very serious. Yeah, it was a federal thing. It's no joke. Damn, dude. What a beast. Yeah. Yeah, fake money is a tight hustle to get into.

Yeah, and then I guess another thing you said, what that in jail, the amount of time that you get for doing counterfeit and how much money you could make is way less time in prison than someone who moved like an ounce of Coke across state lines would get way more time than someone like him who could make $100,000 in counterfeit and he'll do five years compared to someone

getting 20 for moving an ounce. So it's like, oh, if you do wanna do a crime, maybe go that way, you'll less time, money, not dealing with drugs. So I encourage everyone out there to do that. Yeah, I mean, if you're gonna do do something yeah, it'd probably be a lot better I just funny is he's making them probably so many people getting killed over them too so gnarly you found with the fake bill Oh, yeah, people probably get crushed

Debbie he should have just do it. Why doesn't do a little gentleman's version of it Just like go get like free like gross you can go like it The tens and twenties you can do them all day. Yeah, be cool. But hopefully he's not doing that anymore. No, what else you doing now? He's good. He has a kid. He's chilling He's older. He's uh, yeah, he was just living the fast life. I remember one time I went over his place and he was He was he had got he had an ID and he was making He was peeling off the ID and putting a picture of himself in so he could have a fake ID. And so he took a Polaroid of himself

and cut it out to put in there. And I realized the Polaroid he took of himself, his shirt was off. So as he like ironed over it, and I'm like, dude, do you notice anything weird about your picture right now? He's like, well, I'm like, you have no shirt on. You think you're in DMV with your shirt on?

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I need that. Babel's designed by real people for real conversations. Plus, Babel's speech recognition technology helps you to improve your pronunciation and accent. Request the host to record their interaction with speech recognition technology and please share as a part of the read. What? The speech recognition? Well, you get it. Please share as part of their read. Yep, share that. Is that about us? Yeah, when you share it. No,

I'm sharing it. I think they just want us to be like Whoa, listen to my yeah It just says request the host to record their interaction with speech speech recognition technology and please share I I'll bring it next week, but it did tell me I sounded exactly like Antonio Banderas. It knew it I said you oh my god, you sound exactly you do have a little bit of that. I'm not bad I can do I'm decent. Yeah, but you know, thank you. I appreciate that. That's your personal endorsement. I agree I agree Matt sounds like Antonio, but you know, thank you. I appreciate that. That's your personal endorsement. I agree. I agree. Matt sounds like Antonio Bandeires.

Thanks to the speech recognition program for real humans for real conversations. Antonio Bandeires. Studies from Yale, Michigan State University, and others continue to prove Babel is better. One study found that using Babel for 15 hours is the equivalent of a full semester at college. God, take me back.

Yeah, really? Can you imagine being in college now? That's pretty tight. If you do Babbel for 15 hours, you get a blowjob from a kid. Yeah, you get a blowjob from a fat kid that no one else would fuck. But hey, who cares? Everyone else is getting pussy. You're not. You might as well.

Well, if you pick up another language, you double your chances of getting pussy. True. Yeah. What do you think about that language, you double your chances of getting pussy. True. Yo, what do you think about that? Babbel has over 10 million subscriptions sold. That is not a Babbel endorsement. Babbel does not endorse Matt McCusker. Babbel has over 10 million subscriptions sold. Plus all of Babbel's 14 language courses

are backed by their 20 day money back guarantee. You gotta love that. All right, here's a special limited time deal for our listeners. Right now get 55% off your Babbel subscription, but only for our listeners at Babbel.com slash drenched. Get 55% off at Babbel.com slash drenched spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash drenched rules and restrictions may apply Hell yeah, oh, please also go to Matt McCusker dot com slash dates for stand-up I'm gonna be in hyenas Fort Worth, Texas Chicago improv funny bone comedy, Orlando, Florida

Las Vegas, Indianapolis Philadelphia and on and on and on. Thank you so much. Please. Yes You're doing Vegas. Yeah, sir March 19th cap city April 2nd Please get him out. Yes. You're doing Vegas? Yeah. Sick. Yeah, wise guys. March 19th, Cap City, April 2nd. Get in front of the camera if you can do that. Put your face in the camera. Get closer. March 19th, LaMarily, Cap City.

Yeah. Cap City. Got his ass. Andy's gonna be there, Sean's gonna be there. And also, Optimal Knock is, Knocked is April 2nd, Matt's on it. KC Rocketman's gonna be there. It's gonna be there, Sean's gonna be there. And also, Optimal Knock is, Knocked is April 2nd, Matt's on it. Kasey Rocketman's gonna be there. It's gonna be a good time.

It's gonna be a good one. Yeah. Please come to Helium Ville on April 10th if you can. Thank you. ShaneMGillis.com. Also check out Quentin Tarantino's 10th and final movie, I Have the Lead Rollin' It. No, I don't.

No, I don't. No, I don't. Yeah, no shirt. ID is sick. I have the lead role in it Yeah, no shirt I do That's a holy grail I always wanted to put tinfoil on my teeth and go to the DMV and just go full grill I would hurt. Yeah. Well, you can't bite down. It's like hold on a second. Oh, yeah tinfoil on the teeth. Let's go Just grow it up all wall. know. Get a real grill. We gotta hit a Paul. I was telling my wife, I wanna get like a silver teeth. I feel like I could get one. I got the diamond.

You got one? Damn, dude. You got a diamond tooth. Actually, my friend who I'm talking about, he's the one, we did it together. We went to a dentist in LA, and my friend's brother-in-law was a jeweler, so we went downtown, bought the diamond,

took it to our dentist, and the dentist is like, all right, I'm gonna drill a hole in your tooth and cement it in, and let's see what happens, and he did that for us, and mine's been in here since 05, and his fell out and he swallowed it. Oh, shit. So he's shitting diamonds, baby, which is like a cult. There's gotta be a joke in there somewhere.

He's shitting diamonds. Did he wait for the diamond? I don't remember if he's fished it out. I'm not sure about that. Yeah, but dude. Speaking of turds, you know how last time we were talking about Bobby cutting his son's shit up? Yeah.

So many people have reached out. That was a big deal, yeah. I couldn't believe how many people are doing this. Oh, how many people reached out to be doing it? That are like, yeah, I did that. What? Yes. I didn't know that.

Multiple people be like, yeah, yeah. I just saw people saying like, that's crazy, that's insane, that's insane. It is insane, but there was way more people than I thought would reach out. What is the point of doing that? Bobby Kelly's. That's a good question.

That was my first concern. Bobby Kelly's son dropped such large shit. How old is kid? 10. Now you're onto the real problem. 10. He's 10. He's 10 at this point. Okay.

Bobby's still going back and cutting up his son's shit. Is it because it clogs the toilet? Yes. Whoa. Yeah, he's the young Padawan. He could inherit the Fort Forrest. Okay. Fuck.

I think I got some competition. Yeah, so that's I didn't know. Yeah, a lot of people reach out and we're like this. I've seen one person in my life break up a turd and he was a janitor at the high school. Hilarious. And he's like he had had, there were everyone, I told you about this before,

is when this guy I knew took a humongous dump and it was like tiny balls, it was like corn kernel kind of thing looking and it was just, literally it looked like a small Nerf football, it was insane. And we were all, everyone was like, yo, there's a turd in the bathroom, go to the bathroom and check it out,

so we'd all just be leaving from class. We were making like pilgrimage to this thing. Yeah, and then eventually The janitor came by like all cool like I'm about to go break it up and I was like you're gonna break it He's like, yeah He was looking at a distraction Kid, we gotta learn we can't I just remember him being like, just another day, bro, like this is nothing, we're all just like, bro, it's crazy, and we kept calling him St. George

because he was gonna fucking slay the dragon. He's a dragon slayer, yeah. Do you guys piss on other people's shit in the toilet public? Yes. Why do we do that? You gotta clean the bowl. There's the food.

Yeah, that's our version of doing that. True. And you'd think it'd be more effective. Sometimes the turds, they stick. They will. You'd think the hot piss would fucking get it. I like the laser beam. If someone leaves some toilet paper, like the laser cut,

the toilet paper, if it's floating, that's a good one. Oh yeah. That's a good one. I had an uncomfortable recently. I was on a plane and shitting on the plane is the worst. And this pretty- Do you do it? If you have to sometimes, that's all I'm talking about. This was months ago. You're surrounded by greatness right now, dude. I'm so staunchly against shitting on the plane is the worst and this do it I if you have to sometimes this was

much around my greatness right now I'm so staunchly against sitting I should always do sometimes you have to me if you I feel like you go out of your way to shit all play I feel like you my way to beat off on a plane I feel like I feel like the second you have to maybe shit you're like I'm shitting on this play all right well I feel like you have full comfortability. I have no compunction. But yeah, if I have to shit, I have to shit.

What does compunction mean again? It just means like you're not going to like, like a compunction. He's not going to be nervous. There's no problem doing it. There's nothing. There's another part of my head being like, don't shit on this plane. Yeah. Well, what happened to me was this pretty girl was sitting next to me and I went to the bathroom to take a shit.

I'm in there. You know, you could tell that everybody's like, oh, he's been in there a few minutes. He's taking a shit. You're kind of insecure about the amount of time spent in there. I'm like, they all know I'm take a shit. I'm in there, you know, you could tell that everybody's like, oh, he's been in there a few minutes, he's taking a shit. You're kind of insecure about the amount of time spent in there, I'm like, they all know I'm taking a shit. And sure enough, as I exit the bathroom, she's waiting to use the bathroom and it just smelled like the end of the world.

And then I had to sit back next to her the whole flight and just as she just smelled my in your just oh you should have been like did you smell that i know i was trying to think how you had to yeah i know girl was in before me for two seconds yeah shit her fucking brain yeah that's rugged man yeah when when the when a strange woman has to even i've done that at like a bar before comedy shows a lot of the clubs will be like well we don't have like a bathroom. It's like the regular bathroom. We have a restaurant next door.

You can take a shit. I'm like right on. Then you just crush that with like a nervous comedy dump. Then like you're just at a restaurant. So like someones came. Nervous comedy dump. Cause that's the thing. So is it because the nerves before a show,

you have to take a shit. Is that a thing? Like, but that's in your early years of comedy. You don't get the nerves like that. No, it still happens. It still happens? Yeah. I'm give or take.

I'll get, I have a, usually I'm like every time lately I've been getting not as many. It is not like it used to be. But this used to be every single time. Yeah. This weekend I crushed her. So this is a podcast about farting and shitting. Okay. Pretty much. Yeah.

And other stuff we'll cover. We'll get into Emmanuel Macron's possible male wife. What's going on with First Ladies right now? First Ladies are down bad, dude. First Ladies are having a tough time. Everyone's just accusing them of having cocks. I don't get it. It's crazy.

Who else? Now this is gonna spawn within news. There's an effect whenever the one story gains traction and there's gonna be just more and more and more. So I'm excited. But you know the French. They're not coming to Dr. Jill. The French there and there's gonna be just more and more and more. So I'm excited. But you know the French. They're not gonna come to Dr. Jill. The French there and there's some other shit.

The French, like I kinda, not as surprised I guess. Old McCrone, yeah they're like, you know, origin story as the one they say is the one. They're always like, it's pedophilia, it's like, that's the French theater. True. It's the French theater. You know what you're getting into.

30 year old woman falling in love with a 16 year old boy, that's France. That's French theater. Let the French be great. That's their thing of being disgusting freak perverts. Yes. So it's like, I'm not against, I hear that and I go,

hey, that's France, man. And isn't the term pedophilia, is the textual term for pedophilia means like, I thought it was like prepubescent. So it's like a 15, 16 year old. Is that technically pedophilia or is it before puberty? Is it a febophile? That's a what? A febophile. What's that? And a febophile is is it before puberty would be a file? That's a what a feebe file

what's that the feebe files you're like it's like a Pedophile yeah, you're saying it's not prepubescent. It's like if you're liking teens, you're in a feebe file Okay, but no one ever uses that one like when they talk about Epstein Island when it's like a 17 year old They're saying pedophile sounds a lot worse and I'm like, you know what? This has been going on forever 17 year old chicks with rich old white dudes. I'm not saying it's good, but that has happened forever. That's not the biggest crazy story that that's happening. Like, yeah, that happens forever. Yeah, I think they had like a nice I think he was doing

pretty much everything is probably just a little pedo, a little a feebo. I think they were tossing in some pedo. Yeah, I think he was rocking. Oh, was he? OK. He was like 1312. Yeah. And then obviously, he probably, you know, cleans his powders and some Phoebes as well Was that list ever come out that what are we talking about they're gonna hold it over

This is common. It's common. I don't know what to believe anymore I do is I assume everybody's on it that I write anyone. I go. I don't like your political opinions I go there we go. I knew you fucking I do I, there we go. You must be a fucking. I do. I knew you from somewhere. You must be on that huge pedophile list that's living over the national. Pedophile or a Nazi. It's one of those. True. I can't figure out which one. We might go to war.

Might have maybe World War three. The American Civil War will be pedophiles versus Nazis and no quarter for prisoners. Just trans first lady. Trans first ladies areers ladies go charge. The transpedophile first ladies are going to be the fucking commanders of the Civil War. The German charge.

We'll have the longest spiking force. We'll just have hats with giant deer antlers. Going against fat Nazis. The fat Nazis are going to belers? Going against fat Nazis? The fat Nazis are going to be crazy. Is there fat Nazis? I guess there's American fat Nazis. But the German ones were all, the German ones were pretty lean.

Like you didn't see any fat Nazis in the type program. They always had the sucking. No, they had some big dogs at the top. Yeah. I think Hess was a fucking unit. Was he really? One of the guys, I think it was Hess, one of the guys was a fucking slob.

Wasn't Hitler known for having really bad flatulence? Isn't that a thing? Hitler was, yeah. He he really one of the guys? One of I think it was Hess. One of the guys was a fucking slob. Wasn't he known for having really bad flatulence? There's that thing. There was. Yeah, he had really bad gas. My mom told me that when I was farting a lot. So you know, fart a lot of Hitler. All right. Thanks. Yeah, didn't he?

He was on a cocktail of like meth and he was getting towards the end. He was just jacked up. You see the footage of him just tweaking out on me. There's an amazing documentary called High Hitler. And it was about his drug use and his doctor that was with him all the time that everyone hated. He was this annoying doctor, but he gave him his cocktail of meth and opiates,

and it got to the point towards the end where he would have to, in bed, get shot up just to get out of bed of a cocktail of drugs. This documentary's amazing. I haven't been able to find it. I saw it years ago, but it was probably on the internet somewhere, but yeah, High Hitler about the drugs.

You can see him at the Olympics. Damn, that sounds awesome. The 36 Olympics, he's sitting there. That's what he was just, yeah. And they were saying it was like his... Yeah, he was an ant. Not Parkinson's, they were saying it was something, but it was really like he was just tweaking it.

Yeah. Damn. No, they gave all the Nazis meth. Yeah, I knew they gave the boys... So they created it, right? Or was it the Japanese first did it, and then it was these Japanese, the Germans. So two of the thirds of the Axis of Evil were creating it.

I'm not sure. And I also- You like that I knew what Axis of Evil was, didn't you? That was nice. And Italy's the third. That was nice. I'm not that good at history, but I knew that one. That was good.

Yep. I don't get, here's the thing I don't like. When they put, like, he had bad farts on Adolf. Yeah, what'd you think? They were always like, yeah, you know, he had fucking herpes and he was gay and he had fucking, he farted a lot. It's like, dude, he killed six million people.

That's the one we should stick with. We don't need to add stuff. Yeah, true. Well, they're just trying to make him seem as like not as cool as possible too. He had a huge lousy fart all the time. Bad farts on meth, dude. Going nuts, dude.

Chill, you gotta get it. Are bad farts synonymous with meth? You would think that's not. I would think they would just, you know, it's like you're probably tweaking and just pushing that shit out all day. I mean. Yeah, sure, that's a good point as well.

It's just, yeah, that's, you ever take an Adderall? That's the same shit, I've done that before, which is you farting hard on it though? Yeah, you take some D's and craps. D really? Yeah. I guess so, if you're, yeah, your nervous system's all on it. That's it. Yeah. You take some decent craps. Do you really? Yeah, I guess so. You're yeah, your nervous system's all ramped up. You're just. Yeah. So World War Two was essentially alcohol versus meth.

Yeah. Yeah. And they would stay up for two or three days and not need to eat. They had the advantage. Alcohol reigns supreme, though, again. They won. In what sense? Fuel the Roman Empire, fuel the the the allies. I mean, alcohol continues to dominate. Yeah. Other than the Irish. Yeah. But the allies. I mean, alcohol continues to dominate. Yeah.

Other than the Irish. Yeah. But the British control too. I mean, the fact that Ireland's still a country, it didn't do much. Yeah, hold on, it's too long. Yeah, people invaded it. I think three, was there three major invasions in Ireland?

And then the British too. Yeah, they had the Vikings. They had the Vikings. Germanics maybe, I forget. But. And the Brits. The Saxons, but that was in the, That's kinda.

Whatever. I just saw something, it was like the Vikings were on drugs when they would hoard and rape and pillage, and they're on psychedelics. You know, there's all these theories about like when you hunt, you would take the mushrooms to, Berserker? Yeah.

That's become a very common theme lately with history, and I don't understand why. I mean, I guess it's, how do you prove that? I don't know if it's true, but you know Makes sense that you could use some psychedelics to help you with your young hunting or whatever You could be born in the fucking woods and live in the woods your whole life That's true. Yeah fucking retarded guy and somebody hands you an axe Well, it would have been like back then that would have been like taking mushrooms go to a sports game like back then like murdering and raping and pillage was like

No one would have been like, yeah, this is fucked. They're probably like, fuck it. I wonder how much knowledge they had over that shit. The what? And ability to get a lot of it to give to people. Oh, like grow the mushrooms? Yeah.

They're probably just wild. I think they did. Yeah, they'd find them in the cow shit. Imagine being a hot, imagine how hard it must have been to be the hot Viking girl in a village And how much she's just like I'm getting raped a lot You know like be super hot like I feel like we're women is hot back then or are they getting hotter?

Because I feel like women are getting hotter. They're getting by getting their face done or whatever but like dudes were horny must have been like a really hot girl and like the mountains of Where I missed that one? What'd you say? say? I was saying, girls have definitely gotten hotter, but wimp dudes were hornier back then, so it was kind of relative. Yeah. But yeah, that's- Because rape was not illegal until not that long ago,

right? I think rape was pretty illegal. I think it was frowned upon, it was probably, I mean in the biblical times, they were kind of like, bro. Yeah, they'll kill you. Yeah, but it was like, you could go to enemy territory and kind of like- Right, right. That's when it's, yeah. Yeah, the vikes couldn't like- That's when it's like expected. Yeah, the vikes couldn. Yeah, but it was like you could go to enemy territory and kind of like. Right. Right. That's where it's.

Yeah. Yeah. The vice. That's when it's like expected. Yeah. The vice couldn't like micro dose at home and go, let's just like rape everybody in their village. I'm like, bro, what the fuck? What does it mean to pillage? I'm so high. What does it mean to pillage?

Is that like rummage through the shit after you rape them? Yeah. Taking their stuff. Taking their loot and booty. Yeah. I'd like to history. I had a history professor that said, Pillaging would be sick. That said booty all the time. Did he really?

Yeah, we would talk, anytime we were talking about war, he'd be like, and then of course, they gathered all the booty. What is that? Like, pirate booty? Is that what that is? Like, what is that?

What is booty? It's just stuff. Oh. Yeah. You ever thought about guarding your booty? Do you have any booty here? I don't have that much booty. Oh, I have my precious sword.

I saw that, dude. Take that out. You're gonna wanna get a gander at that. I didn't wanna touch it. Have you seen this thing yet? No. It's my West Point sword. You know sword's an acronym, right?

This is how I always open swords. I don't know about you guys, but I go a little bit, and I go. Take a look at that, dude. It's very dull, dude. It's a show blade. Yo, that's nice, man. It's a show blade It's a parade blade Yes

Leave the handle dude. It's pretty sad. I was in here admiring it, but I you know That's my manners. I was like this duty on a country, bro. That's fucking nasty Is that like a replica remake or is that a real relic? I don't know. There's some some gentleman From the West Point gave me that. They honored my service. Damn, that's awesome, dude. I honor your service too. Thank you for your service. No problem, man.

I appreciate that. It was really hard. Probably was difficult. Is there East Point? Probably. Yeah, where the fuck is East Point? East Point, smoke some dang. That thing was sick. I was in here admiring it and I went, I was about to, I was like, hold on. Probably. Yeah, what's the point? Smokes and day.

That thing was sick. I was in here admiring it and I went I was about to. I should have. I appreciate I appreciate the house is prudence. My prudence. The house is sword. I want to know. Do my I'm just morphing into James at this point. I got a little bit of money. It's time to buy swords and fusion frenzy

His Instagrams are for real the best Have you ever had a friend come over and he won't stop farting on your couch, but It is funny. So I'm wondering in the comments if you think What what I should do here? Oh my God. Yeah, he is the motherfucking name. He rocks, James rocks. Oh man, what a beast. Just by based on your impression,

are you talking about the dude from Love on the Spectrum? Yes. Dude, good impression. Thanks man. And I just recently found the girl who's the, I found her Instagram, followed her yesterday. She's, I can't remember her name. She's like the cute one that went to Africa on the safari.

Oh, she is awesome. And her mom posts her. And it's kind of like, it's not really like exploitative. Is that the word? Is it the right pronunciation? But it's amazing because it's like her mom's like, oh, look how cute what she says. It's fucking incredible.

I told you when I came over here last time I stayed with you, I don't think a show has ever moved, no movie could move me as much as any episode of Love on the Spectrum. Like, I'll cry. You told me you... You cry. It is the most touching, moving, beautiful thing

when they hold a hand. Can I hold your hand? Like, dude. When the parents see it too, it's like when the parents are happy, found found someone Danny's mom gets me every fucking time Which one the one you were talking about? Oh the lady that's posting that so yeah, what's her name? I forget her name. The girl's name is Danny. Yeah. Yeah, and Yes, the mom the first episode they were in like they went out

They like went outside and like would you like to go on a date or like can we be boyfriend a girlfriend? They came back inside and told her and then the mom was like, would you like to go on a date? Or like, can we be boyfriend and girlfriend? They came back inside and told her. And then the mom was like, oh, that's great. And then it cut to just the mom talking to the camera, crying. Yeah, that's right. I saw that. Or when they're in Africa overlooking the safari

and they're like behind them, like choked up. It's just like, oh, dude. Why do you think they fuck with medieval times so hard? Cause I fuck with medieval times myself. I'm wondering like- Because that's where the inbred started that long ago. It's like deep DNA. It's because they know what's good, dude.

They do. They know exactly what's good. Medieval times is. Transformers, medieval shit. Yeah, for sure. Lions, all cartoon. Wrestling. Wrestling.

The new Mario Brothers movie. The new Mario Brothers movie. It's going to be off the charts. It's going be off the charts Yeah, they fuck with medieval times so hard and it's like I was wondering if it was just more of like a James got outshined on the last one for how the new swordsman was another guy with a Connor as a nasty sword collect Yeah I forgot how good I went back and watched the Australian one with fucking Michael Michael's obviously Michael's Michael's go to

What's his name Calvin the Asian kid yeah, he was so nice. It's like do you want hugs and kisses? Yes, please Yes, I want hugs and kisses. He's one to one on a date and they busted out like Nintendo DSes and fucking ripped. Yes. Yeah, that was. He's like, no, I'm waiting patiently. I'm not playing that shit. Patiently. Yeah. He's the one who, he has the camera in his room

and he starts showing all his, he draws anime girls. Yeah. And it got to one that was like, it was just zoomed in on Dead City Drew. That was his bait. The camera's next to him and he's like, he's like, chill. They're like, do you want us to leave now?

He's like, yes. Well, that's becoming more like common now. There's more, autism is spiking. I wonder if it's just not mother nature being like, let's do a little reset on humanity. Cause they are angels, dude. They are angels. Although they can go evil. They can go rogue. They can go very good.

It's time to break the sword collection out at the bowling alley. It's time to fucking. They certainly live in a sick, sick world though. Has there ever been like a serial killer who's mentally challenged the right way? I think probably all of them. For sure, yeah.

There had to be one. I think back in the day, just murdering and. I don't know about serial, definitely killer. Maybe not. Yeah, I think they would solve the crime pretty quickly I know who did it Yeah, it might be not cereal but I mean an altist for sure could get go on a nice run I think most of them are probably yeah. Yeah

Most of them have personality disorders. This is yeah Yeah. Koonanin might be the goat, dude. Koonanin is. Gay serial killer. Yeah, that was pretty awesome. Did you see that show? I remember when it happened, like in real time, that was like in the 90s in Miami. I remember when that shit was going down

and they like chased him down. He was in the boat and everything and he'd pop Versace on the steps of the house, right? Yeah. Andrew Koonanin. And the rapper, he refers to him as. Shine. Shine. He talks about Koonanin? Andrew Koonan. And the rapper refers to him as- Shine. Shine.

He talks about Kunan? Andrew Kunan, and he flipped some bar about Andrew Kunan. Damn. That was a hot bar. Is it Bad Boys? I can't remember. Shine, I forget. We listened to it in your car,

but remember you skipped it. I'm like, go back to Shine. I was like, don't skip Shine. We had to go back. Shine rules. Shine became a Jewish, you know this in real life? He went to Israel and like after the puffy thing with the gun and all this shit and now he is fully

in Israel at the wailing wall with the whole thing. He's become like a devout Jewish religious guy. Is he really? Oh yeah, you can look up on the internet. He's like fully in Israel with the beanie and the, not the peasis, I don't think he could grow the thing, but he's like at the wall, at the wailing wall, and he's just like, he must have done something bad

to find religion that much and go that way. Like he must have killed to go find Judaism. Yeah, prison Judaism's crazy. So I can see going and finding. Well, that was another thing, when I visited my friend in prison, I remember seeing this black dude with the Star of David. I brought my boy, McDonald's,

he was at a fire camp for a while, and I brought him McDonald's, and I had to walk through this outdoor courtyard. And when I had that McDonald's in my hand, everyone looked at me, all these killers and fucking prisoners, like I had McDonald's. Dude, it's like when you get to leave during school and you come back with McDonald's food,

that never leaves. Dude, I had McDonald's through the yard. And I remember I had green pants on and the warden was like, you can't come in here with those pants because they look close to the pants of the prisoners because they thought I'd be doing a swap. So I'm like, I don't have, and I had to go back to my car

and put on these like basketball shorts just to enter to bring the McDonald's. And it was just like, imagine being in jail and getting McDonald's. Oh man, that's awesome. Yeah, I'm a good friend. It was like a three hour drive. That's awesome. Yeah, I'm a good friend. That is nice.

It was like a three hour drive. That's awesome. I forgot about the fire fucking. Fire camp, they send you in first. It was like a program you could do when you took it. What is a fire camp? You have to fight fucking wildfires. They send you in first as a disposable here.

Kind of like in Russia what they're doing when they send the prisoners in first, because of the war, kind of like that with fire. Like they send them in first, they're more disposable. But you want to go to fire camp because you get out of the outdoors kind of prison. That'd be kind of cool, yeah. Fire camp would be sick actually.

Yeah. If you're bored out of your mind, I would be like, yeah, I'll go. But yeah, that is scary if that thing. That would be the scariest shit ever. You start losing the firefight. That's tough. Yeah, I just murder the guy next to me

and be like, take me back to jail. I did a survival thing recently, a one day survival crash course where you have to build a primitive shelter, make drinking water out of a stream and start fire. And me and this dude together did it like with the friction fire with sticks. Took about four hours. Me and this guy had to do it together. Forearms balls. So tired.

But when you start that fire and the tinder goes and you create fire, maybe the best feeling you could ever imagine. That's awesome. To create fire. Like, it was awesome. Yeah. So you, how, what was the shelter? You just had to make like this little thing that, and then they have to approve it. And you basically just make like a little TP type thing

out of like brushes and sticks. And then you have to get water and boil. You have to heat up these rocks. You guys saw a friction fire in the tent? Nah. That'd be dope though. Imagine me farting in that tent for 20 minutes. You could have fueled it dude. That's true.

You could have fueled it dude. 20 second farting. I would have been like a resourceful person in the old days. That would have been like my survival thing. We need this guy, yeah. And then I also just learned in prison, my boy told me this, sorry to keep harping on this.

No, it's great. He said if you fart, you'll get your ass beat in prison, so you have to fart on the toilet and flush it immediately. And if you don't, not kidding, if you don't, you're getting your ass beat. You're getting your ass beat if you just fart. Do you think a murderer and a cellmate says good morning? Like, good morning or good night?

I don't think they do that. I don't think so. When you put women on that program though. Yeah, that would be so like, good morning. How do you say it? Good morning. I mean, a they do that. I don't put women on that program though. Yeah, that would be so like, good morning. Or how do you say it? Good morning. I mean, a good night from a murder in prison. Good night.

Oh, that's even scarier. Good night. You'd be like, nope. Especially if you're like, I'm up. Good night. Ah, and you'd be like, fuck. Just fascinated with jail, because I would not, I don't know what would be

my survival thing. I'd have to be like a court jester and be like, maybe make them laugh to beat the boards. Then you might offend somebody. And that'd be, I don't think I'd bring the muscle. I'd have to be like a court jester and be like maybe make them laugh to be the part then you might offend somebody and yeah I mean, I don't think I'd bring the muscle. I'd have to bring something it hit some books become a jailhouse lawyer Yeah, that'd be the move. Yeah, just yeah fully go spiritual and learn and become like a monk that too. Yeah Yeah, I like to fantasize that I'd be actually I mean, I don't like shock all or not Not that and all you get I think I think more like like stowaway monk where they're like, I don't like the food part. No, not that at all. You get the swan. I think I'd be more like Stowe-Aid Monk,

where they'd be like, I don't know about that guy. I would try to go like, I would definitely get White Boy Crazy. You could mentor a youngster though, eventually. For sure. Get old, become a bookworm. That would be nice. The youngster comes to you.

Reading and working out, I would like that part of it. Yeah, push-ups, food. Yeah, maybe pretend you're gay and then just bite a dude's dick off and they'll be like, you don't know, fuck with this dude. You know?

Yeah. I wonder, yeah. I mean, guys. For sure. That's my plan. Guys have to go for the bite the dick a lot. There's probably some harsh punishments for that. What else would you do, yeah?

I mean, you'd probably get kicked to death pretty hard. Yeah, I think if you bite the dick, they're... John Wayne Bobbitt, remember that? John Wayne Bobbitt? Yeah, yeah. My stepdad, who I told you about drink the mirror beer he did. He was like a radio personality in San Francisco, like a local kind of DJ DJ on the radio. And he did stand up one night and it

was during the John Wayne Bobbitt time and he he says, John Wayne Bobbitt, he's just nuts. It's funny. That's hilarious. Actually really good. Yeah, I remember I remember being young, obviously, when that happened. And like, it was just a joke. Everybody made that joke. And then they saw this dick back on. Not that particular joke, but just like,

that guy doesn't have a dick anymore. They saw it back on though. Everyone just laughed at it. They did saw it back on. Good for him. Her, it was huge too. Really? Must have been if they found it. They found it. Exactly. Finding it on the side of the road.

They found it on the side of the road. Yeah, crazy. It couldn't have been hard anymore, so it was a soft little, big little thing. You cut off a boner, does it turn flaccid? Yeah, it's a good question. Does it stay like almost rigor mortis where it stays? Yeah, it just is.

You'd think all the blood would rush out. It'd rush out and turn into your flaccid bird. It would turn into the, just skin. You guys wake up with whatever still yeah We need to you guys know it's technically like a blood a blood sponge So like blood goes into it it gets in gorge so I should it would stay in gorge unless it's like squeezed So you have to watch if you someone cut your penis off you want someone coming around just fucking gripping it up Jerk this thing with the prison survival, would it be nice to,

instead of biting the dick, just get like real nice and giving dome, but still keep it 100. Becoming the throat goat. Still keep it 100, would you be like sloppy toppy? Just be known as. You'd still be thugging, you'd be like foot up against a wall with your boys and be like, I got you, just fucking.

Yeah. Come through and just be like. Ah. Yeah. You gotta get, yeah. The cops. Yeah. All right. Yo, catch you later, bro.

You gotta become the throat goat so they don't, so you never get fucked. You make them pop before they fuck you. That's a good point. But you can still keep your masculine, tough prison energy, be like, all right, bro, catch you later, dawg. Yeah, one love.

One love. I bet one love. Come here. Kuk, kuk, kuk, kuk. Did your friend, did you ever watch Wes Watson? Yes. As a matter of fact, as a matter of fact, I had a podcast for a while.

I had him on as a guest. Him and Charlie Sheen were my two highest ratings. Hundreds of thousands of views. You could look it up on YouTube. I had a show called Nervous Rex, and I had him on because I found him, and I was like, and I ended up hanging out with him because I had him on the pod.

He came up from San Diego. He came up and did the pod, and he was just explaining. Because I'm fascinated with the prison stuff, so he was explaining all the politics and all this stuff. Yeah, so I had him on the pod, and I remember I took him to lunch to Air One, which is the bougiest health food spot in LA, and I'm sitting with him to lunch to Air One, which is like the bougiest like health food spot in LA. And I'm sitting with him in the car with Wes Watson

and I take him to get like an organic lunch. And I would go at one point I'm like, why am I doing? What am I doing? Like this dude is gnarly, but he ended up being the homie and we stayed in touch and like, I still hit him up once in a while. That's awesome. Yeah.

Big homie Wes. I'll get him on your pod if you want him. Dude, I would love it. I've watched so much of his shit. Matt's been on Watson for day one. His videos homie, Wes. I'll get him on your pod if you want. Dude, I would love it. I've watched so much of it. I've been on Watson for day one. His videos. Yeah. Way back when he started doing like the walk in the yard. And dude, he's my favorite dude. He makes me laugh so hard.

Yeah, he works out. I went on No Jumper and said that he hit him up. There's a guy on No Jumper that has a trans girlfriend. And then he hit up West. I saw that guy. That's like, it's not. He said he's not gay. Yeah. But West, he hit up West and he went on the thing like he hit up Wes. I saw that guy. That's like, he said he's not gay. Yeah, but Wes, he hit up Wes and he went on the thing. He just called me.

Yeah, it's so funny. What is funny is he's been in prison for 10 fucking years. Yeah. So he's like, he's hit him up and he was like, you're fucking gay. Shut up. What's funny is that he was really into snowboarding when he was younger.

My boy was a pro snowboarder and he was like, he saw that I posted my friend Nate Bozung, he's like this legendary snowboarder, and Wes was like, dude, you know, he was starstruck by my boys. I rode with him before, that dude's a legend. And it was funny, like, picturing him as a young snowboarder, he was really good.

He was like semi-pro or pro snowboarder. Yeah, I heard he was nice. It'd be funny if he was still that Jack. I know So much fucking air Yeah, he's the man dude he's uh his have you followed him still his like now he's on where he's just like he's Blow up I found I was like the first one to find him and I it's awesome I don't know how I found him just in my algorithm of looking at prison shit or whatever and I just hit him up and he was down he drove up from San Diego and had him on the pod it was

a cool conversation he was like breaking down just I'm just fascinated with that shit man it's just so not me that I'm just like yo that is scary it's scary shit yeah especially when you have to do all like you have to become like like get into like the white gang politics and all that stuff You know cuz that's gotta be tough Especially now having to do now if you did like all this work on yourself You became like super live and then all of a sudden you're like California prison. You're like, oh damn it Yeah, start from scratch and be a little bit back to back to fucking home base Yeah, cuz some states aren't as race.

Some states aren't as race related. But I guess California and maybe Texas are. Maybe I shouldn't speak on that about Texas. But I think that they're very race like you go with your race. And it's really like that in California. My boy told me you can't even bump potatoes with the black dude, which means like give a pound like you can't even do that there. Because that's a crazy way to say pound like you can't even do that there

Because that's hanging with the others, you know, yeah Damn was nice for him was then he got out and was like look I don't have to if people try to spaz on him for it He was like dude If you went to prison you'd have to do say you'd have to do 88 burpees and it is I've been working out a lot It is tempting to rip 88 burpee has nothing to do. Yeah I've been working out a lot. It is tempting to rip 88, but it has nothing to do Number it just would be fun to be like, okay cool. Is that hell hitler 8a? Yeah Well, let's say they'd all do like 88 burpees and 20, you know It was all like 23 white or whatever but it is just like it's a you know

It's a fun thing to keep in your head like it's a fun. Yeah Fun goal race politics aside. What do we have the burpees come? What's the origin of that word burpees? What? Was it military first or is a prison thing military? That's a good question. We get a I'd like to know that actually an acronym for missing Acronym check before the podcast. Well, it's pretty nice. Yeah, that is a very fun thing to do. It is fun But it's where he's come from. It from the name of the guy who invented it I was a physiologist from New York City in the 30s and he invented the burpee that a burpees as a part of his fitness test What? Fun they're hard man. Yeah, that's no joke dude and the form you got to get the form right. There's like a You do not jump when you come up. That's weirdo shit. That's what in the West was that's big. How many let's jump up top

We don't jump up top. That's weird That's important to Wes Wos. That's Big Homie. The jump up top? We don't jump up top. That's weirdo shit. All right, good, I'm glad to get rid of that. I'm all right getting rid of that. Yeah, that's weirdo shit, dude.

You can't do the jump up top. I do the jump up top. The jump up top's tough, dude. The jump up top's crazy, but now I know it's weirdo shit. I don't do it anymore. Damn, that's fucking sick. You're chilling with the Big Homie.

Yeah. He is the man, dude. He is a fascinating character. That's the thing about Simon. Every time I hang out, you've done so much shit. Yeah, I've had pretty crazy life. Like last night Paul's the song My Dick. Yeah. I was gonna just say last night My Dick. It's funny cuz you get a lot of trouble saying that I remember when we got well I was so the

for people watching or listening the our big song when I was doing my music stuff was called My Dick and that was our biggest party song and and I remember we got signed to this with Interscope Records and there's this executive and like the song was like a demo and he was like, all right, but, you know, the song's good, but it needs some work. There's a few holes in my dick. So people always say, like, you got to be careful. There's a few holes he wanted to fix the like the mix on it was bad and all these

things, but just just sounded so weird. But yeah, that's the anthem, man. And then I showed you the one from the war, 1980 with the soldiers. That shit's crazy. Yeah. A bunch of guys. Was that Afghans? I think it must have been because it must have been like 2008. So we have Afghans 2007, something like that. And all these soldiers made a video. It's on YouTube. If you just type in 1980 dirt, nasty, maybe US military, whatever will pop up. And it's the soldiers made a music video

like in their downtime in tanks, fully fatigued, doing like funny things and they're doing my song. And it was just like, and I remember I was working at Happy Madison at the time and Sandler loved it. He was just so pumped. He's like, that's the best compliment you could get.

He was like proud American, they motherfuckers got your shit out there, you should be stoked. That's awesome. That is pretty tight. So what instrument, you play instruments, you're just singing and. I have an MPC which is, it's a drum machine, so I don't know how to play any instruments.

I saw you break it out on a plane. That's right. That's hilarious, dude. I set it on a plane when we first kinda started hanging out. So we met on Bupkis. That's tight. We met on Bupkis, and we were actually on a flight to Austin before we moved here for South by Southwest. And we were actually on a flight to Austin

before we moved here for South by Southwest. And we were sitting next to each other and you had your little Nintendo, you were playing a game on Nintendo and I busted out my big MPC. And I'm making beats. Because it's just like hunting and pecking. It's like almost like if you're typing,

you're just like, do, do, do. So it's really, I don't know how to play an instrument, but I listened to enough rap as a kid to emulate a beat. So I made that song, My Dick, in five minutes. It went platinum. I have a platinum plaque on my wall. One million sold, and I made the beat in five minutes. And then of course, there's like a metaphor for life.

Like, if you're, okay, at eight o'clock Saturday, we're gonna go in and make a hit, and you overthink it. No, you're not. It happened because it was just like a happy accident. Like I just made a beat. My boy, actually, Andre Legacy, he's like, oh, I got an idea for a song. It's called My Dick. And I was like, let me guess what it's about.

He's like, no, no, it'll be like My Dick, you know, your dick. And I was like, that's a horrible idea. So I was like, let me just make a beat to shut you up. So I just made a beat to shut him up. And that was our biggest song of all time. That's crazy. I know. That's awesome.

It was on Harold and Kumar. It's been on like American Dad. That's crazy. I know. That's awesome. I wanna play it. It was on Harold and Kumar. It's been on like American Dad. That's where you make the money. What I learned in the music industry is if you make a song, you produce it, you get 50% of the royalties right out of the gate as the producer of the song. Really?

Then I'm rapping on it too. So you get a third, it was three of us, so I get a third. So I made like 66 cents on any dollar that was made on that song. So if it got licensed by American Dad, I got a nice little paycheck for a five-minute song I was like this is how you make money because no one really buys music that much Yeah, you gotta go on the road and sell merch. I imagine it's kind of you guys probably the same with merch

That's where you clean up But yeah, yeah Yeah, my brother was saying he knew somebody like through someone he knew who just makes like the music for like between Scenes and football games and shit and he makes a ton of fucking money. Yeah That's where it's at. There's weird like one-off things like TV shows. He's like, that's all he does. Yeah, pretty cool but yeah, that's how I'm you and shit man, we did bupkis and We've met briefly before that did we wear the comedy seller? Oh, we did. I remember that. Yeah.

My bad. But no, no, no, we didn't. We didn't really hang out. I said I love going to the cellar, man. Yes, that's the best spot. It is. I'm a comedy nerd. I go to the store all the time.

Me and Jeff Ross went the other night and got to just because that the seller of the store on any given night, you will just get the best live entertainment back to back to back to back. It's yeah, it's fucking magical. I feel like it's so cool to see Stand Up being so big right now too. It's like, you guys are just crushing.

I love it, I love it. It's awesome. It's big. It's like bigger than ever. It might be too big. True. In my opinion. Cause people want live shit now.

The mothership's nice now. It's right there with those. These two are the heir apparent to the mothership. I mean these guys, Gardean and LeMare, they can't get enough. They're there all the time. It's rock star lifestyle every fucking day. That green room's dangerous though.

The smelling salts. These guys. Dude, the smelling salts we did, dude, woo. You guys are the, you guys, you guys are on Austin. They're rock star lifestyle. They're Elite Austin. You guys are the, you guys, you guys are on Austin. They're on Austin. They're Elite Austin. You guys are Uday and Kusa, you're the five-hugging nasty little sons.

Drinking, carrying on. Drinking and carrying on, fighting, slapping people. Kissing, pushing, kissing. Yeah, it's pretty wild what you guys have done. We were doing some wrestling chops the other night. Yeah, of course. You guys are hitting. You guys are roughhousing all the time. It's like ancient Greece, isn't there wrestling drinking wine, kissing

sack of wine? Matter of fact, it was that trip that was open. It was like the soft opening of the mothership. Chappelle did a set. Yes. That was that weekend. It had just opened, but it wasn't like officially open. It was like the first time it had opened doors. It was one year ago.

Wow. That was only one year ago. Yeah, I felt like, oh, this is cool. I'm like, this is legendary. I'm in the green room first. We bomb on the little boy. I was the first comic to go on the small room. That's so fucking fun. And yeah, I got to open for Chappelle.

And I just, you know, took one right on the fucking chin in front of everybody to christen to christen the room. You broke the whole room in. Yeah. That room's fucked up though, because you think you're like 150 people, I'm gonna smash it here. I'm about to slaughter. The first couple times in there, it was just bad.

I did terrible. I did so well. I did so bad the first month I was in there consistently. That's the room that's not the balcony room? That's the other small one. I like that room. Now it's fun, now I like it, but it's weird. That must have been real pressure. If I knew anyone was watching me, I'd be like... Yeah, they're like, this is it.

This is the first show on this stage. Dave Chappelle's watching. And it's like, it's just you and Dave Chappelle just open. Oh. Yeah, it gets you nervous. That would get my heinie hole puckered up. Yep. It was puckered.

It was puckered for you. And it was just, like, comedians and... Ah....Chappelle and his group. Yeah. Yeah. A lot of cool people in the room to bomb in front of. Yeah, it's the worst. I think I might be hitting a point, though, in my adult life

where I'm like, I can't. Whatever physical material is producing anxiety, I don't think I can make it as much anymore. Like, I can't afford to stress over certain things. I just can't. So I think it might just be like a psychotic, like a light psychotic break. What do you mean?

Cause I was like, I'll like stress like if I'm like, oh I'm here at the show or like someone's watching, I'll get kind of like, eugh. And like my brain just did a thing where it's like, I just can't afford to be stressing out this hard anymore. That's nice. I can just be like, I'm just gonna try it. I've been trying to get more into the spirit

of erotic play. Of just- That makes sense. Not so much where it's work, it's just play. I'm telling you, I think it's the key. Erotic play? Just play in general. Yeah, just not like sexual, but like an erotic element is what you're doing. Neurotic or erotic?

Erotic. I'm trying to take it with the neurotic away with the erotic. Very sexual. Yeah. Sexual play. Just trying to recapture childhood innocence, really, rather than all this business and all this personality. That's what it loses the fun when it becomes work sometimes. Exactly.

Yeah, it definitely does. You got to get a play. I need to play. That's all I've been saying. It's just like going out there and being, Tee hee hee hee hee. Hello, Chicago. Tee hee hee hee hee.

You know I hit the tee hee hees. Yeah, Chicago. You know, I hit the T. Yeah, I always do. I was up there going, no, no. Hi, guys. It's around there. I'm doing that nice. Roughly. You're going out there. Yeah, I get a lot of that. Well, what a great audience. True. Well, well, well, you guys are so awesome, wow.

I remember back in the day, I used to go to The Cellar in the 90s, and I'd see Chappelle and Bill Burr performing in front of 12 people at one in the morning, and I remember they hadn't blown up yet. This is before the Chappelle show even. And I remember Chappelle, this is back in the days before Uber and everything,

where they wouldn't pick up a black guy in a cab. It was racist cab drivers. So Chappelle would be like, hey Simon, go hail a cab and I'd hail the cab and then he'd get in. That's awesome. Yeah, and I was on tour with, well I was hanging out with Jeff Ross and Chappelle and a pair of angry African drivers.

Yeah, but I just thought that's so awesome that I was like the white guy to hail the cab. And then, yeah, I was recently Jeff Ross, open for Chappelle for like five shows in Paris, and I was out there working and I got to go hang with them and was hanging with Chappelle and reminded him of that. He had no memory of that whatsoever. I was like, dude, it was pretty awesome. That's pretty funny. Yeah, that's cool.

And it's funny. Remember that? You're like, no. Yeah. Fuck. Yeah, I've stopped also saying nice to meet you, because I a lot of times say nice to meet you. It's a big topic. You have to say nice to see you, because at least then they say, oh, we haven't met, but then they know if you're full of shit. So that's a big problem for me, because we can't remember this many fucking people.

I've always been bad with people names and faces, and I always go, oh, nice to meet you. Oh, we actually feel so bad. I just did that fucking people. I've always been bad with people names and faces and I always go, oh nice to meet you. Oh we actually met, I feel so bad. I just did that to you. Yeah. Yeah. We actually, that wasn't the first time we met but. Yeah, that's right. I'm trying, I think I just go delighted.

I'm like delighted. Oh, the pleasure. I'm so delighted. Oh and I kiss all the way up their arm. I'm like, I'm so delighted to see you. What a pleasure. You're so sweet. Maybe you could just say, nice to see you

and what's the safe way to do it? Nice to, no, not again, nice to see you. What a pleasure. You're so sweet. Maybe you could just say, nice to see you? What's the safe way to do it? No, not again, nice to see. I just go, the pleasure is all mine, and then I kiss them. The pleasure's all yours, and then slap them. Yeah. No, you gotta hit them with it, just say, hey.

Yeah. Hey. Hey, true. I got to, name drop, I got to do a movie with Leslie Nielsen, Scary Movie 3, and I was just like, dude, this is Leslie Nielsen. And he was, at this point, pretty senile, Scary Movie 3. And I was just like, dude, this is Leslie Nielsen. And he was, at this point, pretty senile.

And he still walked around with a fart machine, like the little Play-Doh one. And there'd be craft service, like a lady bending over, putting something. He'd walk behind her and make the fart thing, and like, ooh, and walk away. I'm like, he's still got it. And he would get David Zucker, who did Airplane Naked Gun,

wrote Scary Movie 3. He'd be like, hey, Leslieley, you remember so and so, and then he would say, nice to meet you, and they'd say, oh, no, we met before, and he'd always say every time, oh, yes, how could I forget? That was it. But he said it.

Such a nice line. Oh, yes, how could I forget? Those are my algorithm right now, just Lesley Nielsen, dude, Just everything he said was so fucking funny. Well, so he told me, David Zucker told me he came into audition for police, not police squad. Whatever the first thing was is Frank Drebben. I think it was a TV show first,

or maybe it was for Naked Gun, but he came in and they had seen him in a movie as a dramatic actor and they said they thought he was so funny because he was doing his serious thing and they thought it was funny. So he came in and auditioned, but he was doing a comedic performance and they said they thought he was so funny because he was doing his serious thing and they thought it was funny. So he came in and auditioned, but he was doing a comedic performance and they weren't laughing.

Like, no, no, no, just read it serious like you do in those other movies that we've seen. And they said he just read it deadpan and they're on the floor and they're like, you got the job. Because he's just not trying to be funny. He was just committed down the line, play it straight, it's funny because the writing's funny.

And then you could look this up online too. There's a thing called the Zazz 15 Rules of Comedy. So for all those movies, there's 15 rules of comedy you have to abide by for the comedy to work. One of the rules being, if there's a joke going on in the background, like in the back of a police car, if you're getting attacked by bees, you can't do a joke in the foreground

because it negates the joke behind you. So they have these rules. So I would try to improv and add something that cut note like Simon rule 7 you did it's like they had rules That were like the rules of how to do their movies That's how serious they were about the comedy and even like in the delivery of a line like I'd say a line He's like no Simon. It's the dot dot dot then the line like the pause is that important? It was like music It was like writing music. Yeah, they were like classical slapstick stuff. Yeah, and it did,

because comedy is kind of musical in the delivery and it was just a cool way to work. It was just like, and I remember Kevin Hart was kind of just coming up and we would shit in each other's trailer, was our joke, be him and Anthony Anderson, and not flush it. So I'd get to work a little early

and take a shit in Kevin Hart's trailer and not flush it. And I would just hear him go, oh, damn it, Simon. That was my Kevin Hart impression. And we were shitting each other's trailer, man. And I remember watching Kevin Hart going, this guy's gonna make it. Cause I remember thinking he knew how to work the room. He was so good at talking to everybody.

He was so like, he just, I'm like, I just remember thinking he's gonna do more things than this small hole in this movie cut to arenas True that yeah, they'll kev little motherfucking kev We should probably switch over. Yeah, let's do it. Let's switch over to the patreon. Simon you the man